#she just isn't the best at communicating
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There'd Better Be a Mirrorball | Azriel x OFC [part thirteen]
Summary: Azriel attends dinner. The skies provide a bit of comfort, if perhaps not clarity.
Word Count: 4.2k
Warnings: angst, yearning, betrayal, lying, slight deceit, Elain attempting to court Azriel, miscommunication, intentional miscommunication, conflicting emotions, Eowyn in a bad place and Azriel doesn't know what to do
a/n: its been a long minute and I sincerely apologize for that! i got busy around halloween and then with the election results I was just... too upset and disappointed to do anything. but fear not, i haven't completely lost my mojo! sorry for the delay and the slight heartbreak, i promise its gonna get better, it just needs to get a little worse (oops!), also a special shoutout to those that reached out to me to make sure I'm still alive and doing well, thank you guys so much it really means a lot to me <3
Minors, do not interact.
part twelve
masterlist
"She's been loop-the-looping around my mind
Her motorcycle boots give me this kind of
Acrobatic blood, concertina
Cheating heartbeat, rapid fire"
- Arctic Monkeys, She's Thunderstorms
He notes, if perhaps a bit absentmindedly— as he tries his very best to focus on anything but the growing nervousness in the pit of his stomach— that he’s never quite looked at himself in a mirror for this long.
His clothes weren’t too much to cry about, a simple buttoned up black shirt tailor made to accommodate not only his size but his wings as well, and his black pants were casual if perhaps a little more formal than his usual clothes. He couldn’t well go to dinner with Eowyn in his leathers.
He huffed as he adjusted the simple silver cufflinks on his sleeve, reminding himself once again that it was a casual dinner with friends in a group setting, it wasn’t a date, but the thought of sitting with her, sharing a meal with her— he wouldn’t allow himself to linger on the thought of fixing her plate for her unless he wanted his pants to tighten uncomfortably for the rest of the evening (considering he had no time to take care of the issue before dinner)— and what’s more, to possibly have the opportunity to see what she hides behind her veil made the tingles of nervousness to bite at him once again.
Fixing his hair, although he only pushed it from one side to the other and then pushed it back in frustration when it didn’t fall the way he wanted it, he pulled himself away from his reflection, figuring there was nothing more he could do and finally slipped out into the hall towards the dining area.
Before he could hear the people in the room, his shadows rushed back to him, reporting on Cassian, Nesta, and Gwyn’s attendance but not yet Eowyn’s. Figuring it was best if he came in before she did, lest she think he was late, he calmly strode in and nodded in greeting at his friends who cheered upon seeing him, already seeming a few glasses into the wine.
“Am I late?” He asked with a raised eyebrow, finding himself in a rather pleasant mood, if not to say excited.
“Just in time,” Cassian assured him good-naturedly but Azriel needed to only spare him a glance to notice there was something only slightly off about his brother. Unlike Nesta and Gwyn who seemed in rather bright spirits as they both went into the kitchen to bring more wine, Cassian didn’t seem to be drinking at all, his face a little more serene than usual.
“Surprised you agreed to this,” Cassian admitted to him when the girls were out of earshot.
“Why?” Azriel shook his head, as he took a seat, directly in front of his brother to leave them both room for their wings.
“I just.. didn’t think you were interested in her,” Cassian admitted, much to Azriel’s confusion. Hadn’t Cassian been the one pushing Eowyn and Azriel to train together, hadn’t he been the one to gossip to Rhys about his feelings, feelings he could barely even admit to himself, having been so hurt so often by his choices— and he was surprised?
But before Azriel could answer him, Gwyn and Nesta came back in, not yet tipsy but seeming just a little lighter than usual. Their light idle chatter filled the space as they set the items down, followed by the feast the house thoughtfully spawned out for them.
Nesta immediately took her seat at the head of the table to Cassian’s right, leaving her between Cassian and himself, while Gwyn sat on the one directly next to Azriel. He tried to not be bothered by it and the fact that it would leave Eowyn in the seat diagonal to him.
Gwyn grinned widely, if perhaps a bit abashedly at him as she placed the bottle down on the table.
With that action came the realization that the table only had four sets of silverware.
“Here, try this,” he looked up to find a blushing Gwyn gently stacking a small cracker with a creamy spread and thin cold cut of meat for him to try. He felt himself go pale at the forward act.
Food sharing was sacred among fae. No female shared food, especially directly feeding anyone that wasn’t already part of their families. This was solely an act of courtship, something he truly didn’t want to entertain, despite the way he’d seen Gwyn’s eyes following him wherever he went.
Azriel felt at a loss, not knowing how to proceed. What if in an attempt to spare Gwyn’s feelings, he accepted the food and gave her the wrong idea? What if Eowyn walked in and thought the same thing? But what if he disrespected Gwyn’s kind act by rejecting her and ruining the entire dinner?
Since when did he overthink things so much?
“I— thank you,” he tried to smile graciously, but both the words and his facial expression gave away his awkwardness.
His shadows flurried around him in offense at her forwardness.
He took the offered food from her, careful not to touch her as he did and took a small bite.
She watched him with wide expectant eyes. “What do you think?”
“It’s… good,” he cleared his throat to fill the silence.
“Thank you,” she blushed harder, either from his response or out of embarrassment, he wasn’t sure.
“You ladies cook all of this yourselves?” Cassian saved him, the mood lifting with his playful incredulity as he raised a suspicious eyebrow at his mate.
“We had help,” Nesta rolled her eyes.
“We?” He continued to tease, causing Gwyn to laugh lightly, eyes sparkling in glee despite the lingering awkwardness from her interaction with Azriel.
“Nesta made a beautiful layout,” Gwyn defended, waving a hand over the board containing a variety of cheeses, cold meats, and spreads. “Wynnie helped us with a few side dishes and I roasted the chicken and vegetables,” she grinned proudly.
Azriel felt his heart leap at the sound of her name. It offered him the perfect segue to ask about her.
“When is she coming? Is she alright?”
They all turned to look at him and several things happened all at once.
Azriel wondered for a brief second how anyone thought he could make a living out of noticing those kinds of things. He was supposed to be a Spymaster, for Cauldron’s sake! He was supposed to be aware of everything in every room all at once, and yet he hadn’t noticed— or perhaps, he’d willingly chosen to ignore— that which was so glaringly obvious the second he stepped into the dining room: Eowyn wasn’t here.
Still, all he could do was gather all at once every intake of breath, the barely noticeable gasp leaving Nesta’s lips, the twitch to Gwyn’s jaw and the way her gaze dropped— every minuscule movement everyone in the room made at any given point to give away something they were hiding. Seeking what they knew.
All at once he noticed the way Cassian’s head snapped up to look at his mate, his eyebrows furrowed in a way that spoke of both accusation and betrayal. Gwyn, who was filling a plate either for him or herself froze in place and focused on the plate for a second before looking up at him with something akin to betrayal in her gaze, while Nesta merely stopped chewing on her own bite of cheese and cracker for a second before continuing her slow mastication, gray eyes set firmly on the food she was piling on her plate.
“Eowyn isn’t joining us tonight,” she said simply, all wine playfulness gone.
“Why not?” he couldn’t help but snarl under his breath and this felt much too familiar, much like when he’d snapped at Gwyn the night before as she told him Eowyn’s decision to stop training with him.
“Well, she… said she didn’t want to intrude,” this time Gwyn spoke up, seeming recovered enough to speak although her tone was more questioning than telling. He turned to her and noticed the pink tinge to her cheeks and the glow in her eye was gone, replaced by a paleness to her skin and a distant countenance. “She helped with dinner, but said she didn’t want to be a fifth wheel on our double date.”
He remained silent at that, head blank despite his boiling blood.
“I see,” he spoke stiltedly after a minute of silence.
The tension in the room could be cut with even the dullest of blades and yet there was nothing anyone could do to bring back the lightness. Gwyn, seeming recovered enough, straightened her back and jutted out her chin. “You came because you thought she would be here?” She confirmed, although they all knew at that point it wasn’t necessary.
Azriel had made it clear to all at this point without needing to say a single word that he cared about Eowyn. Everyone knew. It wasn’t a secret he was trying to keep, he cared about her, that much they all knew. Just how much he cared, he was only starting to figure out himself.
“Yes,” he replied simply yet honestly, wanting nothing more than to get up and leave the room and possibly hunt Eowyn down and demand an explanation.
He thought back to the conversation they’d had that day, attempting to recall her wording.
She’d told him the girls were making dinner and asked if he wanted to join. He wanted to both kick himself for not confirming her presence and scold her for not correcting him when he said he’d see her at dinner. Wanted to rip his own heart out to justify the unrelenting pressure on his chest.
“You love her,” again, she stated rather than asked.
Azriel remained silent however, and that was all anyone needed to know.
—
He considered going straight to the library and storming into her office to demand an apology, but most importantly, an explanation for her clear deception.
After the disastrous dinner he’d been blindsided into joining (a rather brief encounter) he found himself taking to the skies instead, needing to clear his head.
He considered everything that had happened in the last few days, or rather, the last few months of his life.
He flew for hours, relishing in the exertion on his back, the soreness of his cold wings, but all he could think about, every possible thought he had, always led back to her and how she’d crept her way into his life
He’d found her…interesting at first, that he couldn’t deny.
He’d always noticed a quiet spark under those captivating black eyes, a certain knowing look that was both thrilling and challenging in a way few dared to look at him with. She was a breath of fresh air and she was a mystery to him, and the more time they spent together and the more he uncovered the layers that made her her, the more he grew immeasurable fond of her.
He’d sworn, after his brief disappointing fling with Elain, that he would not allow himself to fall in yet another pit of unrequited love.
He’d sworn off females for the sake of his growing desperation for belonging, for a mate, and he’d given up on seeking it and trying to force it to happen with females that were either uninterested in him entirely but were too kind to tell him straight off, or were barely interested in something short while and empty.
That had not been the same with Eowyn. Mostly because his interest in her wasn’t based off of his attraction to her (at least at first) but derived from a curiosity that might’ve remained friendly if not slightly distant had they not spent almost every day together, training in the morning and as of more recently, spending a few hours together in the few and far between occasions he wasn’t needed elsewhere.
He had subconsciously sought her out every instance he could, and while the itch to see her hadn’t come to him all at once, it was undeniable and ever present now.
While he was self-aware enough to admit that his attraction to her hadn’t spawned in a day, but through the small intimacies shared, the trust and friendship they’d built, as there wasn’t anything licentious rooted in their relationship. He hadn’t salivated after her like some kind of beast, hadn’t even considered crossing any lines with her that went beyond their respective roles as trainer and trainee, for despite the fact that priestesses in Prythian weren’t generally considered pious and virginal maidens, these priestesses were special.
This group of females resided there to stay away from males lusting after them.
Eowyn was never outwardly flirtatious and outspoken, but she was also not meek and docile.
She was like an impending storm, she was the anticipation between a bolt of lighting and its following thunder. And like a raging rainstorm that had begun in the furthest distance, raging closer with a speed that bade it impossible to escape yet took it’s righteous time to flank him entirely, the tempest was upon him now and despite his careful precautions, he was now caught amidst its chaos and found he never wanted to leave after witnessing its splendor.
He cared not about mates, not anymore.
He didn’t even care if she didn’t want him the way he wanted her, he simply found he couldn’t be without her. It was beyond the fact that no one truly understood him like she did, no, it wasn’t about him. It was about the privilege of knowing someone like her.
He’d had a taste of divinity every time he was near her, and he didn’t know how he would go on if he could no longer be by her side, in whatever way she wanted him.
He couldn’t be selfish, not when it came to her. He didn’t know what had been done to her, didn’t know if she was interested in males, interested in him, but he would never expect anything of her. Not when it came to that.
In his roiling thoughts, he wondered if he’d come off too intensely in their last few meetings. He wondered if he’d scared her off by hovering over as close as he could to hear about her well-being. He wondered if… wondered if his pathetic attempt to kiss her had made her think he was an animal of a male who sought nothing more than sex.
He wondered if she cared about him even half as much as he cared about her.
With his jumbled hurt and angry thoughts that merely circled and intertwined in his mind, he found no answers to his growing list of questions and doubts. He was, however, exhausted after flying for five hours straight, and found he couldn’t feel properly surprised when the shadows he’d left behind to guard the library entrance rushed to tell him Eowyn was waiting in the greenhouse.
She sat with her legs crossed on top of a sturdy windowsill at the furthest wall, looking outside with her back to the entrance.
He bit his tongue to hold back from scolding her for it, for her lack of precaution and safety.
“You’re angry,” she stated, rather than asked.
Not wanting to risk snapping at her and driving her further away, he remained silent.
She sighed at his lack of response and twisted around to face him, although it accomplished nothing as he noted that despite her loose hair, her face was still covered entirely so that he couldn’t even see her eyes.
“I would be too,” she continued.
“Would you,” he snarled through his teeth.
“Yes,” she replied immediately, latching onto his response, “I would. Because what I did was idiotic and insensitive—“
“Don’t do that,” he cut her off, “don’t try to empathize with me by putting yourself down.”
She stilled and her back straightened, suddenly looking away and he noticed for the first time that she sat next to Thelxie, and that the once bright and proud flora now dropped sadly at her side, wilting.
She turned to him fully then, legs hanging over the side, back straight and if he could see her eyes, he knew he would see them looking straight at him.
She only gave him a brief nod before speaking. “Ask your questions then.”
Again, he was faced with the closed off and cold Eowyn. He narrowed his eyes at her in disbelief, a pang of guilt and self-deprecation eating at him as he watched her put her true mask on and push him away. For a second, she’d acted like herself, if perhaps layering it on rather thick to get on his good side, but could he not even express justified anger at her clear betrayal without her slinking back into a shell of who she was?
The anger that had been directed at her suddenly turned inward and he chastised himself for it, for he knew better than to allow a blinding and useless emotion such as anger get in the way. He breathed deeply and tried to let the rise of emotions ease into a steady stream.
“Why did you lie to me?”
“I didn’t,” she replied, her voice cool and tempered and he realized that in the few seconds it had taken him to calm himself down, she had used that time to do the same and strengthen the walls she erected around herself. Dammit. “Everything I told you about my father— about myself, is true-“
“Not that,” the wave of anger tacked him yet he relented against it, for he’d had much time to think and he now came to realize that although she’d clearly made rather important omissions to her story, she had been truthful in everything she’d shared. Intimacy like that could not be fabricated. “You think you’re so clever, inviting me to dinner with Nesta and Gwyn and not correcting me when I said I’d see you there?”
She remained silent for a beat and he knew, without seeing her face, that she was gaping at him. “I- technically, that’s not a lie—“
“Eowyn,” he snapped.
She sighed, “I’ve no excuse for that,” she spoke quickly and sharply, “that was just me being a coward and not wanting to explain everything after training, and, well-“ she turned her head to look at her plant, gathered herself and spoke with the same speed, if perhaps a bit stiltedly, “Gwyn likes you. That’s all I would hear, every time I came back to myself from those horrible visions. She was by my side and she would tell me you were waiting outside the library walls, always so attentive and caring, and always so kind to her and anyone that would share a bit of news of your dear friend, and she asked me if I— if it would bother me if she asked you to dinner, and why would it? She’s the kindest fae I’ve ever met, she’s brilliant, she’s funny and sweet and beautiful and you deserve nothing less—“
“Eowyn—”
“-and I know I should’ve asked you first,” she nodded quickly, hands fidgeting in her lap, “I know I should’ve, but I was so weary… so tired, and I didn’t want to talk about what the herbalist said, and I just wanted you to give you both… an opportunity.”
If he thought his emotions were jumbled before, they were nothing but a mere puddle in the raging ocean within him now. “Eowyn, that wasn’t your decision to make,” he stated simply, unable to hold his words back, even as she nodded again and hung her head, “do you think I don’t know how she looks at me? You think my shadows don’t keep me aware of her reactions— of anyone’s reactions to me? I’ve been the target of people’s lust just as often as I’ve been the object of their hatred, their fear and disgust. I don’t mean to sound arrogant,” he frowned, feeling uncomfortable speaking in such a haughty way, “but if I wanted Gwyn, I would be with her. She is not the one I want.”
Eowyn gripped the windowsill tightly, her back ramrod straight. “You’re right,” she spoke after a moment of silence, “I’m sorry for deceiving you and for just— going about this all wrong. I should’ve asked you. She should’ve asked you without me being in the middle, but she thought she could trust me and I went and fucked it all up.”
“She should have asked me herself,” he found himself agreeing, listening to her breath as it halted for a beat longer, her only tell in an otherwise unmoved reaction. “That way, I would’ve been clear that I have no interest in her.”
“Right,” she murmured, sufficiently agreeably if perhaps dismissively, “are we not going to talk about the pegasus in the room?”
And while he wanted to push and prod at her to understand why she was actively trying to push him onto her friend after their own day together in the obsidian cave, he knew the subject could not be ignored for much longer.
“Are you a witch?”
She sighed. “It’s complicated,” she pushed herself off her seat and paced in front of him, one hand resting on her hip while they other pinched the bridge of her nose, “everything I told you about myself is true, I haven’t lied about that, but—“
“Are you a witch?” He repeated.
“Yes,” she snapped, and stopped pacing for a second before she continued, “or I was. I don’t have access to my power anymore.”
His eyebrows furrowed at that, “why not?” And while he was at it, “and why didn’t you tell me?”
“Out of safety,” she turned to him and he couldn’t see her face but he knew that if he could she would be looking at him with incredulity. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t have told your High Lord I’m a witch the second you knew? As a matter of fact, why haven’t I received a visit from the High Lord?” She crossed her arms and looked around as if Rhys would spawn out of thin air.
He frowned at her. “I haven’t told him, and I find it quite offensive you’d suggest otherwise.”
“Is it?” She tilted her head, “don’t you ‘live to serve’?”
His frown deepened, not liking her tone, “don’t use my own words against me.”
“Oh that’s right,” she continued, “you needed to confirm with me first, right? Well go ahead and tell him what you want, it’s not like I’d be of any use to him anyway. I have no way to access my powers even if I wanted to.”
“Stop that,” he scolded, “stop trying to antagonize me.”
“I’m not,” she snapped, suddenly standing before him with her arms crossed over her chest, chin tilted up and he knew that her obsidian eyes were looking straight at him, “I’m simply stating the truth, and if I’m being entirely honest, I don’t blame you: having a witch at your disposal would’ve been helpful during the fight with Hybern but unfortunately for you, there was nothing I could’ve done to help you.”
“I haven’t told Rhys,” he repeated, needing her to understand that. “I wouldn’t.”
“But you thought about it,” it wasn’t a reproach, it was a statement of fact. She knew him well enough to know his duty always came first to him. He was a soldier, he was a warrior and not only was he loyal to his High Lord based on his unfaltering belief in him, but he also held an innate sense of pride in his Court that was as deep-rooted as it was repressed, having been an outcast to his own homeland. Eowyn knew him well enough to know he would have at least briefly considered going to Rhysand.
“It’s fine,” she repeated, almost to herself as if it were a mantra, “Not many… know about that. Only Clotho and now you, but I’m-” she sighed and shook her head, “I’m not who you think I am.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before?” He took a step forward but stopped when she took a step back.
“I just told you,” she snapped again, but it no longer sounded as firm and decisive as before. “No one knows. No one is supposed to know, and if you knew even half of what I used to be… of what they all expect me to be, you wouldn’t be having this pleasant little conversation with me.”
“Then tell me,” and although his tone was firm, it was out of desperation and need more than anger and frustration. “Nothing you can tell me will change what I know-”
“You-”
“—because I know you and don’t you dare say I don’t. I know you, Eowyn-”
“No, you-“
“I do,” he insisted, refusing to let her cut him off, “I may not know all the details of what you’ve done or what you’ve been through,” and when he stepped towards her that time she didn’t pull away, so he gently took one of her hands and held it between them, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles in a soothing caress, “but I know who you are.”
She remained silent and said nothing more for a long moment before pulling her hand away from his.
“I’m sorry… for what happened today,” she began and the way she collected herself and shifted slightly, looking over his shoulder and towards the door told him she had not and would not budge on the subject, “it was a mistake.”
taglist: @lilah-asteria , @a-courtof-azriel , @honk4emoboyz , @feyretopia , @mrsjna , @buttermilktea11 , @bravo-delta-eccho , @kylieinwonderland , @adventure-awaits13 ,
#acotar#azriel#azriel fanfic#azriel fanfiction#azriel shadowsinger#azriel spymaster#azriel x ofc#acosf#acowar#azriel acotar#azriel x eowyn#eowyn isn't a bad friend#she just isn't the best at communicating#azriel x oc#there'd better be a mirrorball#yearning#angst#heartbreak#azriel doesn't want gwyn or elain#what's wrong with eowyn?#azriel x witch!oc
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Okay but can we pet Dream? Can we get a diagram on him and Nightmare?? The hoomans deserve pets too!
*no unless specified
Nightmare's Hair: avoid the face scar and hair knots
Nightmare's Left side of face: holding only
Nightmare's Hands: massages help with the pain/swelling (i'm projecting). holding is fine too
*no unless specified
Dream's Hands: massages help with the pain/swelling (i'm projecting)
Dream's Shoulder: fine
Dream's Legs: used to kids running up and clinging to his legs, probably won't notice
Comic Book Summary: Siblings who got separated at birth, and ended up on opposite sides (hero and villain) (comic book)
Kid with birthday hat: why is your hair short?
Dream: that horrible villain i'm always fighting stuck gum in my hair
Kid with birthday hat: ohh
Teenager: didja have to bleach your hair for this job?
Dream: no
Teenager: ..sorry for bothering you
Dream: it's all good
Teenager: i remember at my uh- 7th birthday party, i think, i clung to Barney's leg and wouldn't let go and the girl under the suit dragged me around the whole time. by the end of the day i was covered in mud and had a stomach ache from all the cupcakes i had, but i had a good time and it's one of my only childhood memories
Dream: were you emo back then too?
Teenager: HA! nope, but- this is really nice. thank you. i kinda thought i was too old to do this
Dream: for the record, not being effected by kids clinging to my legs is why i work out
Teenager: solid reason to be honest
Adult: HOW DID YOU GET ON THE ROOF
#nightmare sans#dream sans#additional human dream lore#roof context: kid was crying because she got a tennis ball stuck on the roof and was embarrassed so Dream parkoured to the roof#swap cat was not present due to him falling ill from a stomach bug and staying at the vets just in case (he was fine)#probably not the best idea to go out all day when your service animal isn't there but you know. community service hours gotta get done#queue
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I think the reason Heathlock has become my main ship is because Sherry, while being based off Sherlock Holmes, is the insert who's the most like me--because her counterpart does so many things I do, like getting moody for seemingly no reason, or getting hyper focused on a task, or having a cluttered space, or just observing things others miss. So, naturally, Sherry does all these things, too.
But the real comfort is when Sherry does slip into moodiness, or become averse to romance, Heathcliff is still there. He doesn't ever cross her boundaries, and (usually*) communicates with her about how she's feeling/what she wants. Even when she's not in the mood to be touched, he'll simply sit nearby and wait for her to invite his affection. Or he'll be quiet when he knows she's overwhelmed and needs silence.
He's very attentive to Sherry, and--while he never says it out loud-- him respecting her boundaries is a way he expresses his love for her.
#I hope you know that oftentimes when I say ''Sherry'' I am imagining/referring to myself ... and that is very much the case here#this post was mainly inspired by me going romance/touch averse last night and imagining how Heathcliff would handle it#specifically in a situation where there was initially little communication ... hence that little * after ''usually''#because sometimes there isn't always clear communication--there's misunderstandings#and yes they get upset with each other because of that ... but that's just how relationships are#sometimes you're going to have disagreements#but after those few initial squabbles Heathcliff gets a lot better at reading Sherry's body language and figuring out how to respond#at first I think he is a bit stung by Sherry becoming romance and touch repulsed ... but he learns that's part of who she is#and if he loves her then he'll have to accept that there are times when she isn't going to be able to provide or receive affection#and he does ... and because he does it makes it easier for Sherry to come out of those moods--because I know thinking about this--#--helped me slowly shift back into favoring romance again#Heathcliff's the only character who does this for me too#and part of that is Sherry being almost a 1-to-1 of me ... but it's also because Heathcliff is canonically very good at identifying--#--what his partner doesn't like and doing his best to accommodate them--even when that means checking his volume or not touching them#and I think him being that way makes it easier for Sherry to reciprocate his affection#he's so easy for me to love ... I know I can be difficult but knowing he'd be like this comforts me more than I can express#otp: the adventure of wuthering heights ⛈️🔍#r: remind my heart to beat 💢#si: to a great mind‚ nothing is little 🤎#scattered pages
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Workforce B7 Au
B'Elanna and Seven start living together out of concern for B'Elanna living by herself so far along in her pregnancy (B'Elanna initially takes this as an insult, that Seven doesn't think she's a good mother because Seven does not phrase her concerns well but she is genuinely concerned about B'Elanna and her child.) They both mutually agree that if they find a romantic partner they'll just live separately again but as the months wear on they realize they've become more and more attatched to each other, their feelings taking a romantic turn which frightens them both. B'Elanna still goes to that diner place Tom works at and considers them friends. He eventually asks her out and B'Elanna, thinking that she's probably being a burden to Seven and confused by her feelings towards the other woman, accepts though she doesn't have romantic feelings for Tom. Seven is upset by this though she knows she shouldn't be so she tries not to express it but eventually they have an argument which ends in them both admitting that they like each other romantically. They hesitantly kiss, hold hands, ask if they want to really commit to this...yes. The answer is yes. Then strange men in a ship tell them they're members of an organization called Starfleet or whatever?? Then they're taken to sickbay and their old memories return. This leads to both of them having private freak outs about the fact that they felt so strongly attracted to each other and so...happy, with one another when all of the more complicating aspects of their relationship weren't an issue. This is a double edged sword for B'Elanna specifically because without all the history between them she truly didn't feel any attraction towards Tom and if she's being honest with herself - when was the last time she did...? Dun dun dun! You know this episode ends with B'Elanna staring out a window or something, wondering about what she should do...what it all means....
#B'Elanna#Seven of Nine#B7#B'Elanna Torres#Seven of Nine: (trying to be helpful) -something condescending-#B'Elanna: ??????#<- It's that on loop for awhile until they learn to communicate better and Seven actually DOES try to understand B'Elanna#She doesn't know about being borg so she just thinks she has a lot of trouble with talking to people and B'Elanna's like 'hey it's not like#I'm a whiz at it' (That's very clear to me.) Hey! Oh - you're joking? (...Half joking.) Well it wasn't half bad then~#<- the start of their good times era where they become much closer#B'Elanna post this memory regain able to remember how nice it was to be with Seven which directly contrasts her relationship with Tom which#mainly makes her anxious and self conscious...remembering the long talks with Seven whenthey were supposed to be sleeping...remembering#Seven coming home with like ten different baby things because she read that they were the best on the market#B'Elanna 'joking' that she's just being crazy...typical her! when she's upset and Seven telling her that she isn't crazy - she#trusts that there's a REASON B'Elanna. Tell her what it is. (pause) please tell her what it is.#a month later B'Elanna 'jokes' that she's just being crazy...typical her! to Tom and Tom smiles and says he kinda signed up for crazy when#they got married didn't he? <- B'Elanna's heart breaks a little bit but she smiles thinly and laughs without vigor#st voyager#st voyager art#bea art tag
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I understand why everyone who read dunmeshi instantly shipped marci and falin but tbh the fact that it's just treated as canon by the fandom cuts on a lot of interesting analysis that could be done on their relationship outside of the romantic reading, which is kind of a shame
#when i read through i spent a lot of time trying to understand if marci saw her as an equal or as a younger friend she had to take care of#this started from her comment about how 29yo is “a child” and falin is younger than that#and then the scene in the bathroom which is very loved by the shippers#it felt a lot like falin understood the implications and marci didn't yk#i read that and it just felt like they were failing to communicate bc marci just couldn't see falins body as something she should be#embarrassed about#very mom with a child behaviour#same in the bed falin mentioned growing up and marci said it was just the same#doesn't it imply she still sees her as a kid?#there's that time in the backstory of when she first met laios and how she treats falin like a kid who can't make her own choices too#like she tells laios off for taking her away and then tells her she'll take her back to the academy like falin isn't#perfectly able to choose for herself#extremely “mom knows best” of her??#there's a lot of moments like that#then there's also everything that could be said about falin being marcis first friend and what it means for her to die#like...if you just call it romance it goes to undermine a bigger issue in marci's character imo?#like marci went to those lengths just cause she's in love with her but i think the point is that this was yet another person she lost before#she was ready to let her go? her character arc culminates in her accepting that falin might just be dead after all#and even with the possibility of falin being reborn she was ready to be taken away by the elves and never see her again#this is incredible growth for her but it only makes sense if falin was just one of many friends this could have happened with#and not the love of her life? I'd assume she would want to spend the rest of falins life with her if that was the case#whether or not she got over her fear of everyone dying before her#it's a thought! i think it's interesting to think about!#it's fun to ship them so I'm not saying we shouldn't or whatever but not treating it as canon now and again would open#to so many possibilities#for example I can't get out of my brain the scenario in which falin is in love with her and marci just can't see it until it's too late#kind of like himmel and frieren? think of the angst!! all lost because we just assume they're canon......tragic
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Someone's tiny child drew a Something and they put it in their box saying the kid drew it for me. Which is cute, I guess. My mom did stuff like this when I was a small child who was obsessed with the arrival of mail. It's in the route's case to be immortalized forever.
Now to figure out how to read the drawing so I can find what I assume is treasure beyond my wildest imagination.
#girl if this isn't a treasure map i don't know what is#Lucas knows something i don't know. but he's three so he can't tell me in words.#i just have to interpret the drawing. somehow. at least it's color coded. that helps.#the back of the page says something about how he asks where the mail is every day#she wrote that he watches for my truck but they're in the woods so i know they can't see me approach#maybe she meant he listens for the truck. it's definitely loud enough to hear from a ways away.#whatever the case. little guy tried.#i always keep drawings from kids. even though i don't like kids. there's just something raw about what they draw.#no talent. no knowledge of fundamentals. but also no fear of being cringe or failing. just vibes.#i have so many things my brother and sister drew as little littles in a drawer with my art stuff and my sister wants me to toss it all#like. no dude. you drew a 'flower' when you were 4 and I'll have it until that paper crumbles to dust.#it's from a time before you could do anything to show you appreciate the people in your life in the same way you can now#a time when a shitty drawing was the best way to say 'hey. we're cool. i appreciate your presence'#i have one from my brother from when i broke up with my hogh school boyfriend that's a transformer (i think?)#and it says - in kid spelling - i hope you aren't so sad soon#like. he was 5 or 6 when he made that. guy didn't know what i was going through. he just wanted me to feel better.#something something humans find a way to communicate with one another despite language barriers and shit
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There's honestly... just so many people, just so so so so so many people in this world where I'm like... aren't you people tired of this fucking... you know, I was going to call them clowns but that's really disrespectful to clowns, these people could never get their face on an egg...
Anyway, aren't you tired of this childish jackass? Don't you just want to ignore them and never have to hear about them again? If we just ignored them they legitimately would go away... don't you want that?
And this applies to... just ungodly amounts of people, from jake paul to even elon musk (just... don't touch his shit, he'll run out of money eventually with how bad he is with it), to just... name an annoying famous person and you'll name someone I've literally forgotten right now that I could never have to hear about again if people would just ignore them (unless they committed crimes, investigators are welcome to pay attention while gathering a case)
Yet the answer's always "no, we're paying so much attention to them!" and I'm just like... why? Why would you watch jake paul box? I heard about that and was like "he's still doing that shit?", and yet I guess it made a lot of money yet again and it's just like... ignore him
These people could go away, and yet
#to be blunt this is also very very very much about trump#the best part of all if he'd lost is how I'd never have had to see or hear about his loser ass again#and you people couldn't even manage that (collective you; not you personally... unless you're Pennsylvanian basically)#like he's insufferable... unless you're a die hard fan of him you know he's just stupid and annoying#why would you want to hear a washed up reality star for four more fucking years?#we could ignore these people hard enough to make them go away#and yet I'll be stuck having to hear him say shit about Hannibal or whatever for four more years cause you couldn't do that#I'm so sick of it; I honestly am#jake paul could have been ignored into obscurity like a decade ago; and yet he's able to launch a scam with mr beast#like dear god... can't you people find something better to do than watch these people? ...like watch paint dry?#it's not just people; it's every live action disney remake; it's... it's just all of it... fucking ai#can't you people fucking ignore it? can't you just kinda boo when it shows up and then forget about it?#I get someone like elon is a toddler that needs an eye kept on him to make sure he's not breaking shit but like...#we could just not buy his cars... which... like... doesn't seem like a hard ask given how badly they're manufactured#again... weirdos on tumblr; I'm doubting you're to blame for most of this#but just like... could we just for the love of god let the stupid shit die out you losers?#I'm not even... I'm not even joking here; this isn't like a goof; this is a prescription#nfts die if literally everyone ignores them; live action remakes die if no one watches them; elon goes bankrupt if no one buys from him#(also gets really sad because he's a massive attention seeker; and that's pretty funny so bonus)#why do I still have to hear about jake paul other than like... 'he's been arrested for fraud' or something reasonable?#could have been done with him years ago... like maybe if you kept around one or two bad habits but... like the lootboxes couldn't go?#tune in; turn on; drop out... this part here; I'm asking you to do the drop out part#drop out of society and stop playing their bullshit games#pay attention; be engaged with the world and your community as best you can; and just stop... stop giving this shit oxygen#but again... if this isn't hitting the void it's probably hitting the choir... you're not an oaf on twitter sucking this stuff up#but fuck me... worry over tariffs and other shit aside; concrete quantifiable worries I can lay out I might add#for the people who act like it's just sky is falling mentality; nah... I can expressly say what and why I worry about come january#but all that aside... you couldn't have voted against him just... just to never hear his annoying ass again?#not saying harris would have been good or bad or anything else... I'm saying she would have been a fuck of a lot less annoying#and like... you gave elon a win too... the two most annoying people on the planet and ya couldn't just... not
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shirley curry retiring is kind of giving me a huge reminder that time passes and things don't last forever
#like i'm not even a fan of hers per se but yk. cool gaming grandma is obv gonna be the kind of person i'm fond of#it's nice that she knew when to stop because she wasn't enjoying it anymore & all like. good for her#it's just the realization that 9 whole years have gone by since she started being known and that like. stuff doesn't go on forever#like in the corner of my mind ''there's a nearly 90-yo woman making skyrim let's plays'' felt like a universal constant#and Ah Right it isn't it's just something someone decided to do and they can just as well decide not to do it#i wish her the best she was so sweet and i truly love what she brought to the gaming community#+ it's nice that her goodbye is. how to put it. a deliberate one rather than waking up to hear she passed away ykwim#which is what i thought happened when i saw a headline beginning like ''shirley curry 88-year old 'skyrim grandma'...'' gkfjd
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vid i just tried watching called 'get out' a satire... of horror movies? with the followup sentence of 'when you watch it... your expectations are subverted... and you see all the standard beats... but you're confronted with like, the feelings, right?'
i think this is a new level of 'i do not think that word means what you think it means' because for the life of me i can't even figure out what THEY think it means
edit: also it's really bizarre that they're supposedly discussing 'the final girl support group' and to compare to it in a 'this did SOMETHING who knows what better' and not only picked a movie without a final girl, but not Scream???? thee slasher horror final girl deconstruction series? so much confusion in a short minute
#i mean my best guess from context is that they actually mean 'deconstruction'#....which it isn't? there's actually like no subverted expectations in get out#it's a good movie but like#being a good horror movie doesn't make something... a satire/deconstruction...#the only 'subverted expectation' i could possibly come up with is like. the girlfriend's betrayal maybe?#and that's just. a reveal#it's a pretty bog standard 'people in this small seemingly friendly community are doing scary shit' plot with an interesting twist#i don't say bog standard in a mean way bc i love that shit. small creepy communities always#but yeah i clicked on the vid bc it looked like she was criticizing the final girl support group#and i have a continual bone to pick with grady hendrix#but this + her saying she's going to discuss it without spoilers which... you really Cannot critique a book articulately without spoilers#is my opinion. so yeah quitting that#aaaaand going back to bed bc i feel my migraine threatening to re-emerge lol#vic talks
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yes im trying not to be so mean yes im working on my temper but under no section of my Healing Contract does it mention that these things must apply to my sister. in fact if you read the fine print it says im actively allowed to make her miserable. for my mental health
#she's so mean all the time like constantly telling me im stupid and shit#which probably didn't hit as hard before this econ degree but now every time she does it im just kinda like :/#and i laugh it off obvs bc am i fuck about to look put out by it#so she genuinely doesnt have any reason to stop bc ive not set any boundaries or communicated or yk. done anything correctly#i instead just let it frustrate the fuck out of me until one day im in a bad enough mood that i'll give as bad as she does#which i HATE bc as tough shit as she thinks she is i always think being mean - specifically the primary school way she does it -#is SO embarassing as a conflict method like girl 'you're stupid' is really the best you can come up with? bffr 😭#like when i say IM mean and SHE'S mean im talking about very different things#im mean less often than her but when i do it it's effective bc i literally catalogue people's insecurities and use them against them#like some fucking anime villian like it's actually uncomfortable to watch and i hate myself every time#whereas her way is effective bc it's all dumb comments ANYONE could make but she says them repeatedly until she wears you down#and of the two methods they're both shit but at least my way isn't cringe LMAO#so if i ever get so frustrated i revert to her method i just get v annoyed with myself like IM better than this she might not be but i am#and we've just been moving things in the garden with mum which is a flashpoint anyway#and me and my sister were just GOING at each other and it was all jokes until i said something she didn't like#and she was like 'what's your problem? it's fine when we're joking but you always take it too far' girl.#like i cannot accurately explain on here how ridiculous that statement is coming from HER#and if id said something actually horrible id get it but the convo was literally just#her: mum can i wear your watch for the chem ball coming up?#me: why do you need a watch for that?#her: ive got a dumb tan line on my wrist that i want to cover#me: i really dont think anyone is going to be looking at your wrists#THAT WAS IT LMFAO??? YOU HYPOCRITICAL LITTLE BITCH#ironically i had a field day with it like her saying that was the worst thing she could have done#latched onto it like a bloodhound fr my eyes must have lit up#i was like 'dont be such a baby' which is basically a fucking trigger word in our house#thought she was gonna hit me with a spade <3 peace and love on planet earth#godddddd i cant wait for her to go back to uni i HATE sharing a room i cannot escape her she's literally here as i type#i hope she knows im slagging her off to my niche online micro-community#hella goes home
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You know, I've held for a long time the belief that canon!Denise eventually surpasses Sylvia and is just a notch above her in terms of battle prowess despite being younger. But the more I think about it the more I realize Paldea!Denise blows Sylvia out of the WATER with how strong she is to the point it's not even a contest
#mel's musings#forest for the tree#little songbird#first of all. dena started 3 years younger in this au. she got her sprigatito at 15 whilst syl got oshawott at 18#she's got FIVE rivals as opposed to syl's three. one of whom has a reputation for being a battle maniac#(honestly. nemona alone does wonders for dena's growth as a trainer but I'VE STILL GOT MORE)#dena literally has battle studies on her academic record and has studied at two different schools for it#she's fluent in both singles and doubles strategies and beaten elite and champion ranked trainers in both playstyles#plus she's got 4 legendaries AND access to terastallization. syl would get WASHED#to be fair to her though. she certainly would not go down without a fight#she's got 2 legendaries herself plus a mega gardevoir she can communicate telepathically with#and she's significantly more adaptable than dena when her strategies don't go as planned. whereas dena tends to get boxed in her mind a bit#meaning if she manages to catch her off guard it's even possible she could pull a win from her in some circumstances#but after she spent so long wearing herself into the dirt gaining the strength she needed to beat team plasma#and trying her best to live up to everyone's expectations for her as the hero of truth (to say NOTHING of her expectations for herself)?#she's just not the grinding type anymore. she's simply content to live out her life with her beloved pokemon#and if she gets stronger as a side effect of that then cool! but it's not her main focus and she wants to keep it that way#paldea!denise was never forced into getting stronger the way syl was. and she's less beholden to others' expectations in general#and having that agency means her natural inclination to gain knowledge and grow isn't stunted by feeling like it's her only option#so she doesn't have the same reservations about striving for strength as her cousin. but that's not to say she's inherently better for it#point is. both girls had different circumstances behind how they got to where they are and the struggles they faced along the way#but regardless of that they're both content with where they ended up. they're living their best lives and that's what matters#sobs. they're so everything ;_;
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whats the point of leftist praxis if youre just going to be mean and cynical to everyone. literally if your politics aren’t grounded in Being Kind they are worthless to me. personally i dont want subsidized healthcare and fair wages because i read that theyre Correct in a book somewhere. i just think its a dick move to have a world where people cant afford to live. conservatism isnt Mean because it’s Bad, it’s Bad because it’s Mean.
#id rather serve soup with a kind well meaning bunch of old ladies who dont really get all that 'politics' stuff#but think everyone deserves a warm drink and a safe bed#than a million self righteous assholes who think if you aren't working 90-hour weeks and streaming marx straight into your skull#you're worthless to The Movement.#the latter group..... like girl you aren't a community organizer. you're just deeply unpleasant to be around.#if your service to your community is based in self-flagellation and musty old theory instead of love#then what are you doing. cmon. whats the point. you're gonna say all that just to turn around and be an asshole for no reason?#CHRIS FLEMING SAID IT BEST PER USUAL.#CALL YOURSELF A COMMUNITY ORGANIZER BUT YOU CANT EVEN GET ALONG WITH YOUR ROOMMATES.#anyways i am prepared for someone to reblog this and say that i'm tone policing#but this post isn't about the difference between being ''nice'' and being ''kind''#it's about the people who use that difference as an excuse to be neither.#so do your bad-faith interpretations if you want. if this upsets you you're probably the sort of person it's about.#(this is not a vague about any of my followers though it's mostly a general statement)#(prompted in this case by someone in my social work class)#(who's on a horse so fucking high she might as well be outside the gates of Troy)#rhi talks#sj#misc
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Me on the day I was hired: I know you can't tell, but I have a disability, which I am heavily medicated for and I have to constantly go get check ups by my doctor. The headmistress: Okay. Me on last Monday: I have an appointment with my doctor on Friday, at 10am. But I know how these things work in that hospital and I may not be on time. My shift starts at 12:10 but the soonest I can probably be here, is a little after 12:30. The headmistress: It's okay, I'll ask your co-worker to stay a little longer, or I'll take care of the kids myself before you come. Me on the day of the appoinment: *leaves hospital at 12:35 and immediately goes off to work* The headmistress: Throws a temper tantrum because I wasn't on time, accuses me of lying about what she said to me while I let her know that I'd probably be late, lies about me always starting my shift a little before 1pm, accuses me of being entitled, threatens to report me for my behaviour and basically accuses me for everything that's going wrong in the school.
#i thought the headmistress i was working with last year was a bit of a b*tch#but damn this one is even worse#that f*ckin' c*nt#i called her out on her bs tho#and told her that i am not gonna stand and just take her abuse#i also told her that i don't control the traffick in a hospital full of patients waiting to get examined#and i told her that she shouldn't act surprised since she knew i was gonna be late and she was aware that have an autoimmune disorder#that needs to stay under control#i've also let her know that because of that my health and my strength isn't the best#does she care tho? absolutely not#i should have said a lot worse#i should have called her out on making me and my co-worker be responsible for 18 kids with no help#the co-worker has the morning shift and i get the afternoon one#and that she was well aware of which kids are the toughest to handle and she put them all in the class WE'RE in#because god forbid she or her friends have them in their classes#when she threatened to report me i should have answered with 'do it if you dare!'#scorpion-flower#we were the kids and the queues#disabled#disabled community#invisible disability#physical disability#autoimmune#preschool#preschool teacher#childcare#child development#ableism#work#workplace
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i'm going to fucking kill someone. i got screamed at & called selfish & stupid for telling my mom to wear a mask. she gave me covid
#& you wanna know the kicker? she's going on a vacation. yeah. she's going on a plane right now while badly sick with covid#how do i communicate with people who are literally missing their brain?#it was my sister who screamed at me btw. she feels the need to play devil's advocate whenever i open my mouth#my mom did what she always does & coughed 17 times without covering her mouth & then sat down in the livingroom to doomscroll for 7 hours#what the actual fuck is it with parents & not covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze? they straight up just spray people with covi#& then laugh about it when you point it out as if spreading the fucking plague is funny#best part is that we're pretty sure her getting covid 5 times a year because she refuses to wear masks killed her husband#not joking about that btw. all she had to say oh ''ooh yeah that would explain it''#like ??????????????????????#i didn't get the chance to go grocery shopping either so now i dont have any fresh food#if i have to eat one more frozen or processed meal i'm gonna fucking kill someone. & now i cant do that because i have basic empathy#i don't even feel right ordering food cuz like. i have to interact with someone to do that (can't pay online)#i avoid covid for this long & then get it because ''people look at you weird if you wear masks. you wouldn't get it''#bitch i'm queer. i wear queer pins. i wear a queer jacket. you're telling ME i wouldn't get receiving weird looks???#god my sister wants to be oppressed so fucking bad. i'm sorry but bitch isn't a slur & you're a fucking coward for not wearing masks#i hope you cant fucking work for weeks because of this bullshit. bitch
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Trin is now in the process of healing up at the Whitespring after a highly eventful weekend.
#this is one to send home just to prove to her family that she is Alive after some concerning communication from Kay earlier#she has no idea that Kay used that photo frame and isn't going to be best pleased lol#Trin#chaos plays fallout 76#the Whitespring is supposed to be a pretty chill place for her to rest and she still managed to die to glowing deathclaws there
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I'll ask my manager a single yes or no question and get a 3-5 minute response. Like I just have to sit there and nod and then when I give a 'okay, cool, thanks' she complains I don't talk much. Like...yeah? You talk TOO much, leave me alone lol
#between this and getting 17 slack messages at once....girl we gotta get you a bit of a filter. please.#like I get it! I also ramble bc I like options and allowing room for ambiguity!#but idk since she's my manager it comes off more as her just liking to hear herself talk and seem In Control 😭#I usually give succinct responses so she realizes she doesn't have to do All That but it has not worked.#now my 'not talking' is something I need to work on instead of her considering her way isn't always the best for communication 🥴
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