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fanficsforheartandsoul · 4 years ago

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Must Have Been The Wind | [Fem!Reader x Ben Solo] | Star Wars

Notes: This piece was inspired by Alec Benjamin’s song with the same name. I recommend you listen to it while reading, it’s beautiful :) Also, this is kind of an AU where Ben did turn to the dark side but Luke was able to persuade him to come back, so he never met Rey. In the end he decided to give up his life with the force and moved to Coruscant.

Fandom: Star Wars

Warnings: Abuse, Slight Gore, Violence, Swearing, Angst, Fluff

Summary: Ben Solo decides to complain about the noise upstairs but instead falls in love. But Y/N has a boyfriend and dark secrets.

Word Count: 10′105

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Voices woke him up. He sighed. The neighbors upstairs were going crazy. Again.

He contemplated if he should retaliate since this was now the sixth time they screamed him awake, but he decided not to. At least not at... His eyes traveled to his nightstand. Not at 3 am in the morning. And they seemed to have calmed down.

He turned on his left side with a relieved sigh, but then they returned to yell at each other. It was incoherent because the walls muted the noises at least a little, although not enough for him not to know when they had a fight.

He would go up tomorrow. He would complain. Tell them to keep it the fuck down. And then they would shut up. Because if they didn't, he could still use the force to threaten them. Although he had decided to never use it again, this was an emergency. His sleep was at stakes. And without sleep, he could turn into a real monster. He would definitely intimidate them for his precious 8 hours.

But when he took the elevator to the 13th floor and knocked on the apartment the next morning, he didn't expect the person who opened the door.

"How can I help you?"

In front of him stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She had dazzling e/c eyes with h/c hair, and he felt as if the whole planet paused just to give him more time to savor her beauty. A thousand thoughts rushed through his mind. She tilted her head in confusion, and when she waved her hand in front of his face, he blinked and said breathlessly:

"H-Hi."

The corner of her lips twitched, and his heart fluttered. There was an awkward silence where he just gazed at her openly while she returned the eye contact. When she lifted an eyebrow - a perfectly shaped eyebrow - he coughed and stammered:

"I uh... I'm living in the apartment below yours and... I wanted to t-to..."

She saved him from his weak attempt to speak, but he didn't like how she had flinched. She hid it well; nonetheless, he had seen it.

"I'm so so sorry! I know it's been loud at night in the past few days. My boyfriend came over."

Two years ago, he would have never guessed that his heart would be crushed by one word. Boyfriend. Makes sense. She looked like a goddess and her voice...

"Well, it happens, I guess."

Sith, what a great response. NOT.

"I'm Ben, by the way. Ben Solo."

She smiled and stretched out her hand. He clenched his fist into his side, hoping that any sweat that might have appeared would magically go away, then he shook her hand while she introduced herself.

"My name's Y/N L/N, nice to meet you, Mr. Solo."

He cringed when she said his last name. She obviously didn't mean it, but Mr. Solo just sounded mocking. How would she even know that he was single? Also, in regard to any friends? They have never met before.

"Please call me Ben, I'm not that old."

The comment caused her smile to widen, and his heart beamed when he saw how her eyes turned into crescents. He almost didn't want to let go of her hand, which was really soft, by the way, but he didn't want her to think he was a creep, so he almost ripped it out of her grasp.

"Well, Ben," Holy Sith, how she pronounced his name, "let me apologize for the noise with some Jogan fruit cake I just made. Are you free right now?"

He nodded profusely.

"Yeah, of course, totally. T-That sounds great, I love Jogan fruit."

His awkward way of speaking got a giggle out of her, and when she opened the door wider for him to step into the apartment, he felt like he was the luckiest man alive. When he passed her, he could smell a fragment of her shampoo or perfume, which only quickened his heartbeat. He would probably die of a cardiac arrest.

"Just walk down the hallway, the kitchen is on the right around the corner."

He hesitantly followed her instructions while he sensed her presence behind him. It seemed like his sweat pores had decided that it was time for a celebration flush today, and when he reached the kitchen, it felt like he had crawled around on Mustafar.

Y/N showed him the table where he could sit down while she prepared some cake slices, and he took the seat facing the kitchen counter where he was able to see her.

He didn't quite know what he was doing here. He had planned to lecture his neighbors, but now that she invited him in and showed that she was a kind and beautiful human being, he had no idea how to approach the whole noise thing again. She did apologize, but he still wanted something more.

A relationship sputtered his virgin brain, and he had to reprimand himself that he was indecent. He needed a confirmation that they would keep it down starting from today.

"You only recently moved in, right? I'm sorry I was too busy to come and welcome you."

She set a plate of Jogan fruit cake and a fork in front of him and then sat down, so they faced each other. He dismissed her apology with a wave.

"It's fine, I didn't expect anyone, and there are so many apartments in this complex so it would be a hassle to say hello to everyone."

She only hummed, but it seemed to him as if she wanted to disagree. But when Y/N didn't say anything, he didn't comment on it either. She started to eat, and he followed.

"Wow, you're really good at making cakes," he almost let a satisfied moan slip past his lips but was able to catch himself in time.

"Thank you! I have quite a lot of time to practice my cooking skills, so..."

He smiled at her, and they began to talk about their lives on Coruscant. Ben didn't realize at first, but then he noticed that the young woman seemed to avoid any topic involving her boyfriend. So when he brought the noise up again, she only apologized once more and promised to be quieter from now on. He didn't pry even though he really, really wanted to know what the yelling was all about.

Two hours went by, and when Y/N glanced at the clock, her expression changed, and she explained to him that she needed to start to work again. He nodded and let himself be escorted back to the door.

"It was nice meeting you, Y/N. Let's talk someday again."

She returned the smile and pointed to the floor.

"Yeah, I feel the same, and since I live right above you, we can do that any time."

The young woman laughed, and his heart got hit by an arrow again. What was she doing to him, holy Sith?

"I will knock, alright?"

She demonstrated her knocking skills on the wall, and he grinned. It felt like they had become good friends in the few hours they had spent together.

"Let's make that our signal."

He repeated the rhythm she meant, and they just knocked on the door for a few seconds. Ben was the first one to stop their band rehearsal.

"Thank you for the delicious cake."

Her eyes lit up, and he could see the happiness in them. The compliment meant a lot to her.

"Next time you come by, I'll have some of your favorite foods prepared," she joked, and his mind couldn't stop a dirty comment.

"That would be awesome."

With a wave, he walked to the elevator, and Y/N closed the door. While he waited, he couldn't get the comment out of his mind. I would prefer to eat you.

Were his pick up lines really that bad? Cringe.

They began talking over their holocoms, and it was so much fun. For Ben, who had lived with strict rules and never proper puberty, it was a welcome change to chat about trivial things like the coffee from one of the cafés in CoCo Town, or what kind of holo transmissions they regularly watched.

Y/N recommended shows and music for him, and while he listened to her favorite artists, he thought of her beautiful smile and kind eyes.

He began to understand why she liked the husky voice of the lead singer. And while the band of Twi'lek men continued singing about unknown planets and adventurous journeys to find the love of their lives, he imagined himself as a powerful and elegant Jedi who could save the young woman upstairs from her worries.

It was childish, but he couldn't stop himself. The songs just stimulated his imagination. And since he had a lot of free time besides his part-time job at the beginning of the week, he let his mind wander.

But she wasn't the only visitor. He thought about his mother and how her force signature cried out in happiness when Luke had brought him back home. He was often reminded of her tears and how her weakening arms had embraced him with surprising strength. Ben's love for her and his father never stopped, but it had been concealed by all the pain and betrayal he had felt.

He wasn't ready yet to tell this to his uncle, but he was so glad that he had taken Luke's hand and returned. Their relationship was still rocky, but after he had listened to the stories of his mother about her brother, he was able to understand why the Jedi reacted the way he had back then.

But the relationship he had with Luke was better at the moment than the one with his father. Han Solo was surprisingly cold when his only son returned to the light side of the force. It hurt Ben, badly to tell the truth, but he didn't have to courage to say it to him. The smuggler had turned gruff and bitter through the years when he believed that he had lost his son forever.

It was probably precisely the fact that Ben was his son that both of them couldn't approach one another because they didn't know how to start. Talking about their feelings was never a strength of the men in the Solo family.

He wanted to share these things about his family with Y/N, but he felt like he would overwhelm her and potentially scare her away if she found out that he was the guy who had tormented the galaxy with the first order. Of course, it was in the past, and he had repented for it, plenty actually, but there was a reason why the noise from the apartment upstairs hadn't been the only thing that kept him awake at night.

So he kept these things to himself, saying he could talk with his therapist about it while their friendship continued to grow.

Y/N knocked on the floor every evening before she went asleep. It became a ritual, and he would knock back with the help of the robot arm that he still hadn't re-attached to his service droid.

From time to time, Ben would ask himself if Y/N's boyfriend minded their interactions. He never met the man, but he knew he would always come over for four days in a row. He knew because these days, the woman upstairs would knock softer.

The man seemed to naturally be a loud person. Ben could often hear his laughs and shouts through the thin walls when he watched a holo transmission. He not only appeared to be noisy but also short-tempered.

There were times where he had to listen to their arguments. He never knew what they had been about, but it bothered him greatly. The noise less than the fact that this man screamed at the woman he was supposed to love.

If I was him, I would never yell at her.

When his brain first spewed out that thought, he was shocked. What was he thinking? Firstly, he had no right to judge that guy since he didn't know him at all, and secondly, why did that even cross his mind?

He didn't want to admit it to himself, but maybe he should. Nothing good would come out of it if he didn't.

That's why he called his mother 4 months after his first meeting with Y/N. He told himself he was only calling because Ben wanted to thank her for the care package with sweets she sent him, but he couldn't deny that he also wanted to talk about, well, feelings. Unique feelings, to be exact. Love.

Sith, he couldn't believe he wanted to share his thoughts about Y/N with his mother, but he would rather cut off his own arm than contact his father. They were still ignoring each other, so Han Solo was a no-go. And his uncle Luke also wasn't an option. So he would embarrass himself a little and let his mother swoon about his emotions like that one time where he had confessed that he planned to marry the neighbor's girl when he was 5.

"Ben, Sweetie? How lovely that you contact me first! How is my son?"

She began to call him that again when he had broken down in her arms a few days after Luke had brought him back to his mother's house. At first, it bothered him a little. He had been a merciless killer, and sweetie wasn't a title a person like him deserved, but he never told her off. To be true, it made his chest warm up, and it reminded him of his childhood.

Leia Organa Solo never lost her loving attitude towards her son, and she didn't even hold herself back when she was in diplomatic meetings, and he suddenly called. She may be a politician, but she wasn't cold towards her family. Thankfully she was at home when he called this time.

She seemed to sit in the living room on one of the sofas with a cup of tea in her hands and her hair was tied in a loose knot. Her posture was relaxed, and Ben could feel her calmness in the force.

"I'm fine, Mom. What about you?"

Her eyes didn't lose their kind look through the hologram, and she leaned forward, putting the cup on the small table out of view. He noticed a blanket in her lap, and he immediately recognized the ugly carpet, how he called it, that his father bought his mother when he was younger. The green color looked like puke according to his younger self, and he still agreed.

"I'm enjoying the quietness in the house. Han is buying groceries with Chewie. I don't want to tell you too much, but your father doesn't have the best digestion anymore."

He furrowed his brows, and when he saw her mischievous expression, he made a face. He didn't want to know that. His display of disgust caused his mother to chuckle. But soon after, she watched him carefully.

"Are you doing alright with your part-time job? You know if you ever need money we-"

He interrupted her softly but with serious eyes: "It's okay. I make enough to pay my bills."

He didn't have the heart to tell her that he disliked his unfriendly boss and how he was ordered around like a slave when a new customer arrived with their battered spaceship. But it was true that he received enough money. The work environment may be shitty, but the job in Kai's Repair shop paid him enough. It was alright. He had already complained about it with Y/N.

"So did you receive my package? It shouldn't take this long, but maybe one of the transports had troubles. It's still not safe on some trade routes."

Ben shook his head and glanced at his side, where the box with the sweets laid. Most of the candy was already eaten. Since he was living alone, no one could stop his sweet tooth.

"No, I got it. I wanted to say thanks. They were delicious."

"You already ate all of them?"

Her raised eyebrow and teasing tone made his ears turn slightly red. If she had seen how he watched one of Y/N's recommended space series two hours ago with a bowl full of candy in his lap and how he absently filled his mouth with a piece every minute, she would have probably scolded him.

"Mom, I'm already 32 years old. I'm not a child anymore, and I can eat what and how much I want."

The defensive answer only proved more that he couldn't control his sweet tooth at all, like so many times in his childhood. His father didn't use to call him a cookie thief for nothing.

"I know, I know. But my adult son still needs his Mom to instruct him on how to wash clothes, or am I wrong?"

Ben could only roll his eyes. That was one time! Or two... Well, it didn't matter. While he tried to ignore the rising heat in his cheeks, he fiddled with his fingers and tried to get the courage to tell her.

She noticed he wanted to tell her something, and her voice was soft and calm when she asked: "Do you want to ask me something, Sweetie?"

He took a deep breath and then raised his head to look her straight in the eye.

"I-I think I've fallen in love."

Her eyes widened slightly, and she opened her mouth, surprised. Saying it out loud made him cringe. I feel like I'm going to regret this.

"Ben, that- that is wonderful! Who are they? How did you meet?"

His mother's curiosity and sparkling eyes embarrassed him, but he told her the truth:

"She lives in the apartment above mine. Her name is Y/N, and we uh, met when I wanted to complain about the noise."

Leia furrowed her brows then raised them as if she remembered something. She leaned forward and asked:

"You mean she's the neighbor who keeps you up at night? The one you complained about last time?"

The way she said keep you up at night made him clench his teeth, and his ears turned even redder. He nodded. He may have talked some shit about Y/N before they met, but that was because they had been very loud.

But not anymore. After he talked with Y/N about it, there hadn't been any problems. Or at least they shifted their arguments to daytime.

"Really? The one you said and I quote "They are as useless as bantha shit, and the force would do us all a favor if it killed the-"

"Yes, Mom! It's her. And I regret that I talked about her like that no need to say anything else!"

He knew she was just teasing him, but he could feel that he was already red as a tomato from embarrassment, so it was time to stop.

"B-But I..." he tried to find the right words, "I- she... she already has a boyfriend."

He let his head hang low, and his black locks covered his face. His mother wasn't able to see his dark expression, but she could read his body language, and she immediately stopped giggling. Her eyes turned soft, and she sighed.

"Oh, Ben...I'm so sorry."

Why did she apologize? It wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault. Y/N was already taken, and he couldn't do anything about it. He didn't have the right to do anything. All these years, he was never properly confronted by love, but he knew enough about it from things he saw and got told.

"It... It hurts", he spoke without thinking but was the truth, "my chest. Why does it hurt? I don't know her for that long and- and I never... Why does it hurt like that, Mom?"

Leia watched her 32 years old son turn back into the little boy who was shy and quickly cried, the boy she had hugged so much in his childhood, the boy who had treated the world around him with gentle and soft care, the boy who had gifted her a four-leaf-clover and told her to stop crying after she had had a frustrating talk with some idiotic politicians. She could see the lonely boy in his hunched posture, and she regretted her decision to send him off with Luke to become a Jedi.

"Love is, how should I say it... it influences our minds and our bodies. It can be amazing but also painful, sometimes both at the same time. The pain you're feeling right now will fade. We cannot choose who we fall in love with. The heart decides, and sometimes it decides wrong. That is not your fault."

He knew that she didn't really answer his question, but Ben realized that she tried to comfort him. The calmness she radiated through the force engulfed him, and it was as if his Mom really was in his apartment and gave him a hug. He believed he could smell her perfume faintly. His tense shoulders relaxed slightly.

"I feel stupid. I mean, she told me she had a boyfriend when we first met, but I still wanted to continue talking to her. Okay, that might also be because I know literally no one else in the apartment block, but still..."

He ignored that he basically just told his mother that he had no friends, not even acquaintances. Too bad, it was the truth.

"Well, what do you like about her?"

She crossed her legs and folded her hands to listen to what he wanted to say. He thought about it for a bit. Obviously, the first thing he noticed about Y/N was her stunning appearance. She was attractive, and her stare made his heart flutter. But when they got to know each other better, he found out that she was also kind. Kind and good at making desserts.

The Jogan fruit cake wasn't the only thing he received from her. Over the last 4 months, she had put some boxes with dessert and sweets in front of his door. Or left a bag with homemade cookies, and all of them had been delicious. A customer once told him that love goes through the stomach. If that was true, Y/N reeled him right in with her skills.

Then there was the way she talked. She was carefree and outright, but he liked it. She said what she was thinking without taking shit from anyone, and that intrigued him. Also, she had an excellent taste for music and holo transmissions. He had watched one of her recommended series in 2 days and then watched it again and again.

She was fun and talking with her about the shows or his work, or her friends was enjoyable. Surprisingly, he loved it when she told him stories about her work life and what gossip was going around.

But Y/N was also understanding and knowledgeable. When he complained about that one guy who couldn't understand that his ship needed a hyperdrive to travel at light speed, she widened his perspective and showed him that not everyone in the galaxy had left their planet before.

And something crucial, especially for him; the silence between them wasn't weird. Sometimes they would just call and let the holo com on while they continued doing their own things or chores. Once Ben was so tired, he just took a nap while he could hear Y/N humming in the background cooking something.

Or another time, when her boyfriend didn't come over, they went on the balcony and watched the stars, and she dropped a can of soda with the help of a rope. It was an awesome night, and his heart couldn't stop beating fast that evening.

It was true that his chest was hurting whenever he thought about Y/N and her boyfriend or when she talked about him, but there were so many moments where he was overjoyed. If he had to feel the pain to receive good memories with her, it was worth it. He could endure it. The pain was nothing to him.

But unfortunately, it wasn't the same for Y/N.

"You stupid bitch!"

His palm grazed her cheek again, and the speed of his slap flung her head back. Pain spread across her face, and she clenched her teeth.

"I'm so sorry, B-Babe. I'll fi-fix it immediately."

She wanted to kneel and collect the shards of glass when another sharp pain struck her body.

Y/N couldn't stop a small cry escaping her lips as Cain stepped on her hand, pressing her palm right into the sharp broken glass. His weight caused the shards to tear her skin, and she could feel how they drew blood. The pain caused tears to prick in her eyes, and she whimpered.

"Fix it? You already fucking broke it! Clean it up and get out of my sight."

He shifted his weight to make himself even heavier, and she sobbed, her other hand grasping his ankle:

"Stop. you're hurting me, please, stop!"

Usually, she wouldn't plead like that, but in the last few days, their arguments turned worse and worse, and Cain's temper was always boiling. She didn't dare to talk back or curse at him because she worried that he would break up with her. And she couldn't let that happen. Too much was at stakes.

He finally stepped back and turned away to leave. While he went to the living room, he muttered: "Fucking useless piece of shit."

She stayed in the kitchen, kneeling on the floor with her hand a bloody mess. Tears rushed over her cheeks, and she cried silently. It's alright. It's just a phase. It will get better, his job is just annoying him, it will be fine.

That evening she didn't knock on the floor. She didn't want to risk it. Cain didn't know anything about Ben yet, and he definitely wasn't in the mood. Besides, he quickly got jealous; that's why she refrained from telling him about her friendship with her neighbor at the moment.

Instead, she laid on her side of the bed and listened to the steady breathing of the man next to her. She could sense his body heat, but it was as if he wasn't there. She felt cold and lonely.

What went wrong?

Their relationship started out great. She had felt like he was her soulmate, the man she wanted to spend her life with. His laugh had filled her chest with warmth, and his kisses made her heart flutter. He took her to the most beautiful places, murmured lovely compliments into her ears, and supported her dream of working inside a bakery. It was perfect.

He was polite and proper, the way he treated her sister was so kind. He disregarded her disability, and Y/N felt like she found an angel. Family was the most important thing for her, and Cain wanted to pay for her sister's surgery.

His kindness was incredible. Unbelievable, yes.

As it turned out, there was another side of him. A scary one.

She turned around to face her boyfriend. He looked so peaceful, so different from the angry man he was in the last few weeks. It was the fault of his friends, she knew. He was friends with some shady people, and Y/N had realized there was spice involved, but she ignored it. Closed her eyes. After all, the money he got would help her sister.

If somebody heard her thoughts, they would probably think that she only stayed with him because of the money, but that wasn't true. She hoped, no, knew that under all that anger and bitterness rested the man she fell in love with.

She lifted her hand and traced the lines of his face. His breath tickled her skin, and she smiled weakly. Tomorrow will bring change. With that thought, she pressed a kiss on his hair and then cuddled closer to him.

She didn't notice the blinking red light coming from her nightstand where she had put her holo com.

When she woke up, his side was empty, and the bedsheets were already cold. Y/N rubbed her eyes and frowned. Where did Cain go? He didn't need to work today. It was Saturday. She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and checked the time on her alarm. 08:41.

That was way too early for him. Usually, he wouldn't wake up before 10, so why...? She heard the slam of a door, and it only took her 5 seconds to jump out of bed and run to the front door of her apartment. He was gone. His shoes, his jacket, even the ugly ass sweater that hung on the coat rack which hadn't been touched for ages, was gone. No, no, no, NO!!

Y/N opened the door and rushed down the corridor of the 13th floor.

"Cain! Babe, wait! Where are you going?!"

She saw him standing in front of the elevator, and the fact that he carried almost everything that he had stored in her apartment let her blood run cold. His head whipped around, and he watched how his girlfriend rushed towards him.

"Go back in, Y/N."

His voice was threatening, and she stopped in her tracks 3 meters away from him. She gulped and searched his face for any clue. What happened?

"W-Where are you go- are you leaving me again?"

The words that left her lips were nothing but a mere whisper, but he heard them anyway because he responded. And his answer left her devastated.

"Yeah. But this time for real."

The ground shook, and her legs crumbled. If she hadn't grabbed the wall at the last moment, she would have crashed to the floor. Her chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe. He just watched her, his expression icy. It was totally uncharacteristic for him.

"W...Why? Why are you saying this?! What did I do?! Was it because of yesterday? Or the day before? I apo- I already asked for your forgiveness! You said it's fine! Why-" a sob interrupted her, and she gasped, "why are you always leaving without telling me anything?!"

Her voice got shrill towards the end, and she realized in the back of her mind that her neighbors would probably complain, maybe Ben too, but she didn't care. Not after he wanted to pull the same move again. "I can't do it anymore, I'm fucking leaving!" It wasn't the first time where he just threw in the towel of their relationship and left.

"This- This is not how people solve fights, Babe. We can talk about it, alright? Let's talk it out. Please. Please!"

The elevator door opened with a ding, and Cain gave her a look. He stepped inside without saying a word. When her boyfriend turned to face her, his eyes were the ones of a stranger.

"Don't contact me."

It was as if the door closed in slow motion. Y/N wanted to rush inside, but her feet didn't move. Her body was frozen. She could only watch through her tears as the elevator closed and vanished. Just like her relationship.

"Fu- Fuck."

Her crying echoed through the corridor of the 13th floor.

Ben had just left his apartment for groceries when he received a message on his comlink. He opened it and let it play while he locked his home, and it confused him a little that there was only silence. At first. Suddenly a voice spoke, and he paused in his tracks.

"Ben, Son... Hey."

He almost dropped his bag. Thankfully there was nothing in it yet.

"My- my..."

Stars, was that his Dad?! He continued listening attentively, and he could hear some background noise on the recording. He would recognize the humming anywhere. His father was in the Millennium Falcon.

"It's late here... Listen, I don't really know what I wanted to say- I forgot. Planned this whole thing, but uh... It's gone now. Your father is an old bastard."

Ben slowly walked to the elevator, still listening to every sound coming from his comlink. He absently minded pressed the call button and waited. Han Solo sighed into the recording, and the familiarity from it almost made Ben laugh.

"Uh, so... I'd like to... to see you again. Maybe you want to join me- and Chewie of course - on a.. a trade deal? We could talk... I would like to know, uhh, how you're doing, and everything."

The message was not a holo, so he couldn't see his father, but Ben just knew that he was squirming in his seat when he had said that. He could practically see it. The awkwardness that the recording transmitted... It made him cringe. But in a good way. If that made sense.

It just showed that his Dad was just as awkward and shy about their relationship as him. A warm feeling bloomed inside his chest, and he recognized it as hope. Maybe the father-son bond from his childhood could be restored.

His father continued to speak right when the elevator appeared, and he stepped inside. He immediately felt the weird atmosphere inside. A man with curly brown hair and an angry expression on his face stood in the corner. He had a big bag slung over his shoulder, and the force was screaming around him in anger.

"...and uh... I love you, Ben."

His eyes and the stranger's met. The man raised an eyebrow, and he just gave him a nod. He wanted to press the button for the first floor, but it was already lit. So he turned around and faced the door.

The recording stopped, and he pressed the button to mute his comlink.

"Was that your boyfriend?"

The fact that the clearly pissed off man wanted to start a fight with him shocked him more than the insinuation and the mocking tone. What's that guy's problem? I just walked in. He rolled his eyes.

He contemplated if he should just ignore the man, but the spikes of anger in the force told him not to. The fact that he remained calm, while the man clearly antagonized him, showed how therapy was helping him.

"That was my Dad."

The familiar term rolled over his tongue with ease, and it made him smile. He didn't realize until now that his father just ended his message with a demonstration of his feelings. He still loves me. It finally sank in, and boy, did it feel good. He had to lower his head because his eyes got a little wet.

"Love. What a joke", mumbled the other guy under his breath, and that's when Ben noticed the smell.

It was faint, but for his sensitive senses strengthened through the force, he could clearly identify it. The warmth in his body disappeared almost immediately.

He turned around and wanted to speak when the elevator bell indicated their arrival on the first floor, and the door opened. The brown-haired man just walked past him and ignored his open mouth. Ben shifted his head and watched how Y/N's boyfriend left the building, his fists were clenched to his side.

"So, that's him."

The boyfriend. The lover. The screamer. The bedmate. The asshole. The soulmate.

Sith, how his blood boiled. His jaws clenched.

Almost instinctively, he reached out with the force and felt Y/N's presence in the building. The weight of her sadness and shock almost crushed him.

What the hell happened?

After the first meeting with the boyfriend and the realization that Y/N and that guy had a fight again, it was pretty hard for Ben to continue his journey to get groceries.

But he couldn't go to the 13th floor and comfort the person he liked. It would be weird for her. Maybe she would think that he was a stalker. How else would he know about her sadness and the argument? So he gritted his teeth and also exited the apartment block.

Shit, it would've been better for him if he never met the guy.

He contemplated whether he should contact Y/N later or if he should wait a few days for her to calm down. When it came to the whole relationship topic, he felt like there was a wall between them. She rarely talked about her boyfriend, and he realized that he didn't even know his name.

Maybe he wasn't even that close to the young woman in the apartment above his. His thoughts were grim, and the joy about his father's invitation to hang out and talk got pushed back. His strides were big, and the scowl on his face made the people on the street give way for him. Ben was so buried in his thoughts, that he didn't even realize how he parted the pedestrians like a blade.

A week passed, and he almost turned crazy. The fact that Y/N didn't even mention the fight and just went on with a fake smile painted on her lips not only hurt him but also made him angry.

They had shared many secrets, and Ben really thought that their friendship was deep. But apparently, it wasn't deep enough for situations like this. Or she didn't want to talk about her boyfriend with him, because she fucking knew that he was in love with her he was a man.

That seemed like a plausible reason; therefore, he tried to ignore the fake happiness and waited desperately for her to spill her thoughts. But she never did, and her sadness only grew.

Their conversations turned superficial, and he had problems to hide his concern. The dread in the force pained him, and it physically challenged him not to storm up the stairs and knock her apartment door down.

Why aren't you telling me anything?

The thought spiraled in his mind every evening. He held the robot arm of his cleaner droid in his hands and stared at the ceiling. There were already marks from where he hit the roof with the metal fingers.

10 days after the fight between her boyfriend and her, Y/N stopped replying to his knocks.

Ben didn't give up though. He knocked every day. With the force, he was able to sense her in the room above, but she never responded.

Sadly, he got a lot busier with his work, and the upcoming meeting with his father distracted him enough to forget to knock one day. And when he did. It was a grave mistake.

He was on his way back to his apartment after an awesome day with his Dad and Chewie. He whistled in happiness and reminisced about the day he spent in the Millenium Falcon. They went on a trip to Corellia to get supplies and parts for the Falcon. It was a relaxing and calm journey, but Ben couldn't be any happier.

He was in his favorite place with his father, who still loved him and his best friend since childhood. It was like paradise. At least until he walked through the front door of his apartment complex.

The dread had turned into something Ben could only describe as depression. And it hit him hard. He knew this emotion, and he couldn't believe Y/N was feeling it now.

So he obviously didn't hesitate to press the elevator button to the 13th floor. When he arrived, the air was heavy. He knew that the young woman wasn't force-sensitive or anything, but the intense emotions of any living being could influence the force. That's why he was so shocked. The disturbance was greater than he would've expected. It made it hard for him to breathe.

Ben had already knocked on her apartment door, even though he didn't even know what to tell her. He was literally covered in sweat and some oil stains after he had helped his Dad to do some repairs on the Falcon.

He checked his appearance in the metallic apartment plaque and frantically tried to get rid of the black stain on his cheek.

Please don't open the door yet, please!

His rubbing only caused the stain to smudge, and now he just looked dirtier.

Great, just great.

A sigh escaped his lips, and he let his head hang low. What should he even tell her? "I know you had a fight with your boyfriend because I can sense what you feel, and it's breaking my heart." Ha, as if.

He took a deep breath and then lifted his head.

Only now did he realize that quite some time passed since he had knocked. And still no sign of Y/N. But she was clearly at home. The cocktail of sorrow, regret, and heartbreak was proof enough.

He knocked again. This time louder and it was accompanied by a few words: "Y/N? Hey, it's me, Ben... Do you... uhh, do you have some time to talk?"

Silence.

Then the light sound of footsteps coming closer.

The clatter of a key and then the click of the door opening.

Ben straightened his back and watched how Y/N slowly opened the door.

The first thing that immediately caught his eye was the absence of the cheeky glim in her eyes. He only stared at her, and she did the same.

The dark circles under her eyes and the exhausted expression made his heart clench. He could feel how his own face turned into a frown.

"Hey..." she mumbled, not even trying to hide her unhappiness anymore.

"We need to talk. About this."

He gestured at her, and the corners of her mouth slightly lifted. She opened the door wider, and like the first time they had met, he walked past her, but this time the only thing that he could sense was her mental exhaustion.

This was only the second time he entered her apartment. But thanks to their holo conversations, he knew how Y/N's flat looked like. She followed him into the living room and pointed to the sofa, an invitation for him to sit down. He did, but he was stiff.

She leaned on the wall, crossing her arms in front of her chest as if she wanted to create a barrier between them. Ben took a deep breath.

"Listen, I... I know something happened, and I can't bear to see your fake smiles anymore. You know... To see you like this... it hurts me."

His voice was hesitant, and he fiddled with his fingers, something he always did when he was nervous.

The young woman stared at him with wide eyes, then she seemingly slumped.

"So you knew..."

He scoffed.

"How could I not. You're not exactly good at hiding your sadness... kinda like A'tak."

The mention of their favorite character from Smuggle Kings brought a real smile to her lips, and he relaxed slightly. It was a relief that he could still make her smile, even when it was just faint.

Y/N sighed. It was deep and long, and he could feel the weight of her thoughts in it. She slowly walked over to him and sat down on the sofa. There was still a significant distance between them, but it was smaller than before. She sat on one end of the couch, and he on the other.

Ben faced her, and she pulled her legs closer to her body, embracing them and hiding her face in between her arms.

"You know... My boyfriend... Cain and I broke up."

What? He exhaled slowly. WHAT?!

That wasn't what he had expected. Okay, he knew that her boyfriend - no, ex-boyfriend was leaving that day, but he thought it was only temporary.

"Uhhh... Can I ask why?"

She raised her head and gave him a look through her hair that has fallen into her face. He regretted his question immediately.

"Forget it... You don't have to talk about it, I'm- I'm sorry... that was, uhm... not appropriate."

He was just so surprised. His head that was already filled with the emotions he could sense from her got filled with some more. Anger, worry, and a small flame of... Hope?

She shook her head and leaned her head back. He noticed how her eyes watered up.

Oh, wow, man, you're an asshole he told himself and mentally screamed.

"We- We had problems... For a while now and... well, two weeks ago, he took all his stuff and", she lifted her hands in defeat, and her voice was almost inaudible when she continued, "left. He just left without an expla- explanation."

There was so much bitterness in her voice, the force lashed out, and he had to gulp. Sith, he wanted to kill that asshole Cain.

Anger welled up in his chest, and he clenched his fists. If he ever saw that man again...

His fury distinguished as fast as it came when tears finally spilled, and Y/N's cheeks got wet.

She huffed and groaned, wiping the falling tears away.

"Ahh, I hate crying... I cried so much in the last few days, I'm really tired of it."

She laughed, but it sounded as fake as it was, and her breath was shaky. She looked into Ben's eyes, and he could see the pain in hers.

"I'm sorry... For not telling you. It's not that I don't trust you. It's just... I- I don't like it when people see me all weak and vulnerable."

Y/N stretched out her hand, and he watched her for a second. Her expression was still pained, but there was a hopeful look inside her eyes, so he grabbed her hand and sat closer to her. The moment their palms touched, she pulled him into a hug. He froze at first, but when her body shook from a sob, he put his own arms around her and sighed into her hair.

“It's okay. I understand..."

They stayed in that position for a while. Ben embraced Y/N while she held onto him and cried.

Fuck, it hurt him so much to hold her, knowing that she was crying and yearning for an asshole and not him.

But the fact that she let her guard down and cried around him, also kind of made him proud. It was apparent that she considered him to be trustworthy enough to show him her vulnerability.

"You know... My Mum told me that love can hurt, but the pain will eventually go away with time. You probably also heard that from your friends, bu- but I really believe it's true."

His cheeks turned red when he remembered the holo conversation with his mother. Then Y/N told him something he wouldn't have expected:

"You're actually the first one who knows that we broke up..."

He blinked.

"Re-Really? Oh, wow... I uhhh... didn't expect that."

Her grip around his torso tightened, and he could feel how she smiled into his shirt.

"Well, maybe I knew that you're a good comforter?"

His heart skipped a beat.

Oh, stars.

Wait, was she able to hear how his heart was pounding fast right now? Please, no. Nooo-

"Is your heartbeat usually that fast?"

Her tone was slightly teasing, and she finally- sadly? - let go of him and backed away to look into his eyes. Ben averted his gaze, heat crept up his neck, and he was pretty sure that his ears were as red as her cushions on the sofa.

"Uhhh..."

She only laughed and wiped her eyes again, this time with her sleeve.

"I apologize, I might have decorated your shirt with uhh... my snot."

He grinned and dismissively waved his hand.

"It's fine. Not like I'm already covered in oil and dirt."

She studied his face, and her sharp gaze only embarrassed him further.

"You really have an oil stain in your face," she commented, and he sighed.

"Yeah, uh... I met my Dad today."

Y/N's eyes widened, and she excitedly clapped her hands.

"What? Really?! How was it? Have you made up?"

He nodded. He realized that she seemingly wanted to change the topic, but he kind of didn't want to let her.

"We did, and it was really fun, but I... we..."

Ben really didn't know how to steer the conversation back into the direction of the breakup, but the young woman apparently picked up what he wanted to tell her.

She opened her mouth to speak, and her expression was somber:

"I never told you, but I actually have a sister. She's six years younger than me and... disabled. Can't see and uhh... I've been working my ass off to pay for a surgery for her eyes. But it's really expensive. I can tell you, Coruscant is for the rich. Not that it isn't obvious or anything..."

He knew she was beginning to ramble, but he let her. He had to process her revelation first.

"But well, my boyfrie- ex-boyfriend... Cain... He wanted to pay for the surgery. He really likes - or at least liked Liah very much, and he had a steady income, so I... I really hoped he - uhh, you know..."

She avoided eye contact and looked down on her hands.

"would pay for it?" he finished her sentence.

Y/N nodded. He could sense her shame in the force, and he cringed. He didn't want her to feel like that, he could totally understand her thoughts. If his Mum or Dad...

"But that's- that's not why I stayed with him while he was so, so angry, I just... Although he hit me and insulted me, I just- I really loved him - still do, and it just, fuck, Ben, it hurts so much."

He exhaled slowly through his nose.

What. What. What? What?

"He hit you...?"

His tone was indifferent, he didn't even realize that he asked a question, too buried by his racing thoughts.

"Yeah, but- but he's not a bad person, just... He has terrible friends, and his work agitated him, and sometimes when he drank, it... it just happened. But it wasn't hard, like, just a slap, actually, nothing serious, okay?"

Her voice was shaky and panicked when she tried to defend the man who had abused her.

Ben slowly stood up.

"Wha-What, Ben, hey, are you... where are you going?"

I... Dunno, just... home... I...

He turned and slowly walked to the hallway, Y/N hurried to her feet behind him and followed him bewildered.

"Hey, hey, are you alright?"

She stepped in front of him and put her hands on his shoulders.

"I gotta... That asshole, I have to-"

He couldn't form a normal sentence, he was so out of it. The black-haired man couldn't even feel his anger. There was a void inside his head, and the only thing that he knew at the moment was that he was going to kill someone.

"Ben, no, hey. You don't have to do anything, alright? It's over. It's over between Cain and me."

"He hurt you."

Y/N paused, a little taken aback that he seemed to care so much about that.

"I know... But he won't anymore."

His eyes, who had rigidly faced forward, now landed on her.

"Really?"

Her grip around his shoulders tightened, and she smiled weakly. She added:

"Yeah..."

The void cleared a little, and suddenly he could sense an emotion he wouldn't have expected in her force presence. It was relief? What for?

He slumped slightly, and Y/N, all of a sudden, stumbled, losing the strength in her legs. Ben caught her with his hands, and suddenly, she was pressed to the hallway wall.

Their eyes connected, and both breathed in slowly.

"Sorry, I- I feel a little light-headed..."

He only nodded. His heart was pounding loudly in his ears, and his eyes were forcefully drawn to her lips.

Fuck, he wanted to kiss her so badly.

But how could he do that after she had just revealed that she had been abused by her ex-boyfriend?

She stared at him, and he could see the wheels turning in her head.

A realization washed over her face, he stepped back and abruptly let go of her as if he had burned his skin.

She blinked, her hand still raised when he muttered an apology and stormed to the end of the hallway, and left the apartment.

"Sorry, I'm..."

Y/N stayed behind a lost expression on her face. She slid down the wall and sat on the floor. Her hands clasped over her head, and she snorted disbelievingly.

"Is Ben... with me...?"

As soon as he had left the apartment, he stopped. Did Y/N realize? Did she find out?

An icy feeling welled up in his chest, and he heaved.

"No, please, no."

He gripped his shirt and breathed in torturingly slow. There was so much going on inside his head.

He hit her. She has a sister. She wanted him to pay for her sister's surgery. Probably stayed with him because of that even though he hit her. They broke up. She's single again. He abused her. I never knew. Never knew.

Ben ran his hands through his hair and grabbed a few strands harshly. The pain cleared his mind a little.

Mortification hit him like a brick. He had listened to their arguments countless times. How many times had he just listened to Y/N being abused?

"Oh, Stars, please..."

The sudden waterfall of emotions caused his eyes to prick, and he gasped in shame.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

His breath was shaky when the first tear spilled, and he gritted his teeth.

What kind of friend was he?

He loved her and gazed at her often. How did he never realize? How did he not see?

"I'm so pathetic..."

He gulped and wiped the tears away.

I have to apologize.

He turned and walked back to Y/N's apartment door.

He didn't even knock this time, just straight up walked in.

"Y/N, I am so sorry for not reali-"

Two lips crashed onto his, and his words got swallowed by them. His eyes widened in shock when Y/N latched her arms around him, and he saw her face from so up close. Her cheeks were wet again, and he could taste salt on her lips.

His hands grabbed her arms, and he returned the kiss clumsily. The knot of emotions in his chest exploded, and the world around him swiveled.

Y/N tasted like soda, stardust, and Jogan fruit cake. All the things he had shared with her and loved.

His heart seemed to have left his body because its pounding was so loud, it sounded like the drum of their favorite Twi'lek band. If this was a dream, he wanted it to never end.

Until he noticed the echo of sadness in the force.

Ben placed his hands on both sides of her head and slowly stood back, although he couldn't bear to part with her.

Both of them gasped for air as soon as their lips separated. Y/N slowly opened her eyes, and they were cloudy with emotions.

"What... What was that for?" he breathlessly asked, his tone timid.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out, and he bit his lip.

"Listen, Y/N, I- I like you. A lot."

"Yeah, kinda felt that just now..." she stammered, but her expression surprisingly lit up.

Ben gulped. The thing he would say next would hurt him. But he had to say it. Otherwise, it would just hurt more.

"But I... I don't want to... I don't want to kiss you when I know that I'm not the only one in your heart."

She paused and slowly let go of him. Her gaze avoided his.

"I know I- I didn't kiss you because you're a replacement! I just... the look in your eyes and I..."

She stopped, seemingly knowing how she would only make it worse. She grabbed her own arm, and her fingernails dug into her skin.

He felt shame again. It was Y/N's.

"I've fallen in love with you," his confession spilled over his lips seamlessly.

Y/N raised her head abruptly, her expression a mix of surprise and shock.

"And I- this kiss I- I can only hope and pray that it means the same thing for you like it means for me."

"I-," she began, but he pressed a finger to her lips, tilted his head and smiled.

"But I don't want to rush anything. You just broke up with Cain, and I know your feelings aren't sorted out yet. I don't want you to regret anything, and I..." he lowered his head, "I also don't want to get hurt... Or hurt you."

She nodded.

"So... Can we take this slow?" he asked with a small smile.

Y/N watched how he stretched out his hand and offered it to her. Her fingers intertwined with his. Her eyes turned into small crescents.

"I'd like that..."

3 months later

Loud voices woke him up. He sighed. Then he jumped out of bed.

"Y/N!"

He struck his holo com and deactivated the weather forecast transmission.

Today is the day!

Hastily, he grabbed the metal thing on the ground and stretched it up to the ceiling. A loud thudding rhythm echoed in the room. A few seconds later, the same rhythm could be heard from upstairs. Ben grinned from cheek to cheek and walked out of his bedroom.

The remains of their movie night decorated his living room, and he carefully avoided standing on the popcorn on the floor. He would clean the mess up later. He went to shower and rushed through his washing routine.

The relationship between Y/N and him had changed after their sudden kiss. But it progressed slowly like Ben had asked for. She was truly not over Cain yet and had to figure out her feelings first. The young woman was thankful for the time he gave her.

Although, he had begun to worry that she found out that her actions that day had been a mistake in the heat of the moment.

But it apparently wasn't the case, and both of them together mended Y/N's broken heart, and it took her a while to realize that Ben had fixed it. Not through the power of love but through his friendship. He was understanding and patient, and the way he treated her with respect and adoration caused her heart to flutter.

"It happened!"

Was what she told him one day, and while he dumbfoundedly watched her, she just laughed and pecked his cheek. He turned beet-red almost immediately, and he couldn't hide his happiness.

That day he wanted to hug her so badly, but he restrained himself. He had seen the way she flinched when he suddenly touched her and didn't want to risk it. The abuse she suffered may have caused only a few physical wounds but her mental scars were deep and would hurt for a long time. He would let her approach him first, just to be safe.

And Y/N did.

"Let's go on a date," she had whispered a week ago, and her breath caused shivers to rush over his spine. They decided to go on the weekend and now it had finally arrived.

Ben changed into the white shirt his mother had recommended him - yes, he told her about the stuff that had happened - and checked his looks in the mirror.

His black hair was still damp from the shower, and he could feel a slight stubble on his chin, but all in all, he was happy with his appearance. The fact that the dark circles under his eyes had long disappeared satisfied him greatly.

He watched the clock on the wall, and his eyes widened in panic.

"Uh oh."

With an inhumane speed, he rushed out of the bathroom, took his keys and black jacket, grabbed the basket on his kitchen table, and hurried to the front door. It only took him a few seconds to lock his apartment, press the elevator button, and step into it, ready to conquer the heart of the woman he loved.

When he pressed the button to the 13th floor, he smiled.

7 months ago, he stood in this elevator, ready to punch whoever decided to yell at each other at 3am in the morning. Now he was going there to take said neighbor on an awesome first date. Oh, how the tables turned.

The elevator pinged, and the door opened. He strutted to Y/N's door and knocked using their significant rhythm.

A few seconds later, the door opened and in front of him stood the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"H-Hi."

The corner of her lips twitched, and his heart fluttered.

"Hey, Ben."

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maylovexhs · 4 years ago

Text

everytime - DELICATE (Chp. 32)

Author’s Note: Sorry I postponed this a few days. I had it all written and tumblr gave me problems about posting it. (Thank god I didn’t delete the Google drafts). Anyways this is the last chapter of everytime for September. I’ll be back with more chapters a week before Halloween. See you soon and hope you enjoy - May

Catch up on everytime here

NYC. October 30, 2019. 1 PM.

How can you trust someone? How can you trust someone with your heart when they can walk out the door any second? How can you fall in love with someone when it could fall apart so easily?

I wasn’t afraid of all that. At least, I used not to be. I used to be so excited in a new relationship. Spending almost everyday together. Listening to your favorite music together. Showing them your favorite hidden places. Introducing them to your friends. Them being there for you on all your hard days. Getting to share your life with someone else. . . Who wouldn’t be excited by that?

I guess over the years with each relationship I had, I lost more and more of that excitement until I learned to expect disappointment. And now I felt that way with Ashton.

I like Ashton, a little more than I should but I do. He makes me feel like no one else. He makes me happy -too happy. I shouldn’t feel this happy. At least, not yet. It’s been less than a month I’ve been dating Ashton. It’s too early to be feeling this happy, or too attached. It was still new. I shouldn’t get attached so easily to things that could break, especially to people who can easily leave.

BRINGGG. BRINGGG.

I walked over to the little chair in my closet. I picked it up, seeing it was Harry calling. I pressed the side button of my phone, silencing his call.

I didn’t mean to avoid him. I just been too busy and I had a lot on my mind. I didn’t have the energy to talk to him. The last time I talked to him was last week, the day after my date with Ashton. Ever since then, I’ve been too busy catching up with family and friends to answer his calls. He knew that. He knew I would never avoid him on purpose. Well, he knew I don’t do that anymore.

I looked at my shelf of hats. I picked my black baker boy hat from the shelf and walked over to the mirror in my closet. I adjusted the hat on my head. It tied my blue jacket with my black jeans and boots.

Anyways, I was too busy getting ready to go out with Ashton to answer Harry’s call. I asked Ashton to go out to a museum with me yesterday. Of course, he said yes. I felt as I should confront my fear of being too attached by spending a day with Ashton. I didn’t know why I was so nervous around him but maybe today will shake that feeling out of me. Besides, Ashton was Ashton. He wasn’t like any of my exes. I had good reasons to trust him. I shouldn’t have to worry about him . . . but I did.

DING!

My heart stopped for a second hearing the elevator bell chime through my apartment. Ashton was here.

I looked in the mirror, shaking my head.

I have nothing to worry about. Completely nothing. I was nervous for no reason. It was all in my head.

“Y/N?” I heard Ashton call out for me.

“Coming!” I yelled out to him.

It’s all in my head. It had to be.

2:30 PM.

We were at the MOMA. The Museum of Modern Art. I’ve been countless of times here but each time was different than before. First time I came here was when I was seventeen with Ali, Jie Lin and Jessie. Next time I came, I was on a date with my first boyfriend, Lev. He was nice to be with him until he cheated on me. So much for first loves . . . A few times and a few boyfriends later, I’m standing here with Ashton in front of Louise Bourgeois’s spider sculpture.

“Okay, I get that the spider is protecting the cell. . .” Ashton spoke. “But did it have to be a spider?”

I looked to him. One of my exes said the same thing.

“What?” I asked him. “Are you afraid of spiders?”

“Well, if they’re that big . . .” Ashton said, looking up at the sculpture. “Yes”

I smiled, shaking my head.

“Spiders are a symbol of protection” I said. “Feminine protection. It’s a mother protecting her home and children”

Ashton squinted at the sculpture.

“Still didn’t have to be so creepy” Ashton said.

I rolled my eyes at him.

“I actually looked into her work after the first time I came” I told Ashton. “She draws from her trauma to make art. She didn’t have a good relationship with her mom. She was scared of her but her mother always protected her”

“Hence the spider” Ashton said.

I nodded at him.

“The spider” I said. “Intimidating yet protective”

I walked away from the sculpture, exploring more the museum. Ashton closely followed behind. I walked past a few artworks, stopping in front of one of my favorites in the museum. On the wall, there was a series of black and white photos, showing a woman wearing a dress made from only gloves.

“Lorraine O’ Grady. Untitled” Ashton said, reading the title work on the wall.

Ashton squinted his eyes, looking at the photos.

“So, Lorraine took these photos of her?” Ashton asked.

“Not quite” I said, shaking my head. “The woman in the glove dress is Lorraine”

“She made the dress out of gloves on purpose” I said, pointing at Lorraine in the photo. “She was a beauty pageant queen before she became an artist. The gloves represented class, acceptance. But since she was Black, she didn’t have that. Her work is mocking that”

Ashton looked to me.

“You told me you majored in business in college” Ashton said. “Did minor in art?”

“Actually, music” I said. “But I do still have a great memory of an art class I took sophomore year”

Ashton shook his head.

“Okay, I don’t buy that” Ashton disagreed.

“You don’t?” I asked him.

“No” Ashton said. “I can’t even remember my senior English class. There’s no way you saw this in an art class and remember it ten years later.”

“I didn’t say I saw it in my art class” I told him.

Ashton looked at me, staying silent. He bit his lip.

“I just come here a lot” I admitted.

Ashton crosses his arms.

“How many times?” He asked me.

“A few” I said.

Ashton didn’t drop his gaze from me.

“Fine, more than a few” I said. “But definitely under ten”

“So, who do you usually come with?” Ashton asked me. “There has to be someone who is willing to come here ten times with you”

“Well, it wasn’t exactly only one person” I said. “But Ali only came with me three times . . .”

“So, you came with other friends?” Ashton asked me. “Did you come here for dates?”

I looked up to Ashton, afraid to answer him. I could tell him I’ve been with almost every boyfriend of mine here. I could tell him it’s my favorite place on Earth and I wanted to show my exes it. I could tell him and he would understand that I wanted to share my favorite place with him now. Or I could tell him and he wouldn’t understand. He could think I was stupid for making my exes come here. He could think he wasn’t special enough for me since I took him somewhere I’ve been before. He could think that and want to break up with me.

“Y/N” Ashton said my name.

I blinked at him a few times, snapping out of my thoughts. I let out a little sigh.

“Would you hate me if I told you I brought some of my exes here?” I asked him.

A little smile formed on Ashton’s lips. I didn’t know if it was the museum’s lights reflected in Ashton’s eyes but there was a certain glisten in them. A familiar one I’ve been lucky to see before.

“You had dates here” Ashton said. “It’s a museum. Why wouldn’t you?”

“You’re not mad?” I asked him. “That I’ve been here before? With my exes?”

“Of course not” Ashton said. “You wouldn’t be mad if I told you you’re not the first girl I played my guitar for?”

I smiled at him, feeling a little better.

“No, no” I said. “It’s just this place is special to me and I wanted to share it with you because . . .”

Should I say it? Should I tell him I love him? Wasn’t it too early to tell him those three words? What we had was delicate and I didn’t want to risk it that soon. But maybe . . . he felt the same way. From the look in his eyes, he had to. He did fly to Paris to see me after all. What did I have to lose?

“I think I love you” I said. “I don’t know if it’s too early to say that but . . . I felt that way for a while. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t feel it. The last thing I want is to make you feel weird”

Ashton’s smile grew bigger.

“But I love you” I said. “Enough to care what you think love”

Ashton looked at me for a moment, his smile not flinching a bit. Suddenly, Ashton leaned into me, pressing his lips to mine. I closed my eyes, feeling taken back by him. I felt Ashton’s arms around my waist. I titled my head to the side, cupping Ashton’s cheeks. Ashton pulled me closer to him. I would have began to take off his jacket if I didn’t remember we were in a museum. I slowly pulled away from him, still keep my hands on his face. I opened my eyes to see Ashton smiling down on me.

“I love you too” Ashton said.

I blushed, letting out a little sigh. Ashton removed his hands off me. I let go of his cheeks.

“Umm . . .” I began to speak, catching my breath still. “Do you want to go to a party with me tomorrow?”

“A Halloween party?” Ashton asked me.

“Yeah” I said. “I’m going with my friends and maybe you would like to meet them. You don’t need to get dressed up if you want.”

“Really?” Ashton asked me with slight sarcasm in his voice. “Because I was planning to go as a character from a show. Miraculous Ladybug, you heard of it?”

I raised my eyebrow at him.

“Just say yes” I told him.

“Yes” Ashton said. “I would love to meet your friends and see you in a costume”

I smiled at him.

“Should we continue to look around?” I asked him.

“Lead the way” Ashton said. “You’ve been here before”

I took his hand in mine, dragging him along as I walked.

“Off to the escalators”

October 31st, 2019. 8 PM.

The elevator doors opened in front of me. I walked out and into the hallway. I walked down the hall, stopping at the door to Ashton’s apartment. I knocked hard on the door a few times. I stroke a pose in my costume, waiting for Ashton to open the door. Instead, Brayden, Ashton’s roommate, did.

I flashed a smile at him.

“Hi” I said to him. “Is Ashton ready?”

“Yeah, he’s taking a last minute piss” Brayden said.

Brayden looked up and down at my costume.

“Nice costume” Brayden said. “What are you?”

“Oh, I’m a superhero from a tv show” I said. “Probably don’t know of it but I’m Ladybug from Miraculous Ladybug”

Brayden looked as he lost interest the second I said superhero.

“What?” I asked him. “Don’t like superheroes?”

“Oh, I do” Brayden said. “Comics version at least-“

“I’m here” We heard Ashton say.

Brayden turned around looking at Ashton behind him. I smiled seeing who Ashton dressed up as.

“Oh my god” I said. “You’re not-“

“Luka” Ashton said. “Coincidently, we have the same hair color”

“You didn’t have to dress up” I told him. “And not from someone from a show I watch and you don’t”

“Who says I don’t watch Miraculous Ladybug?” Ashton said.

“You got into it?” I asked him.

“Adrien is seriously blind to Marinette’s feelings” Ashton said. “Luckily, Luka isn’t”

I smiled at Ashton. Brayden rolled his eyes at us.

“Are you two leaving or staying for a drink?” Brayden asked us.

Ashton looked to me.

“You’re in charge, Ladybug” Ashton said. “You choose”

I looked to Brayden. I think he suffered enough from our Halloween’s costumes.

“My friends are waiting for us” I said to Ashton. “We should get going”

Ashton walked out of his apartment. Brayden closed the door as Ashton and I started to walk to the elevator. Ashton pressed the button for the elevator. A DING was immediately heard the second he did. The doors opened for us.

“You really should know,” I said, walking into the elevator with Ashton. “I really ship Marinette with Cat Noir”

“Aw,” Ashton said, pretending to sound hurt. “I should have dressed up as him then”

“Oh, don’t worry” I said. “I feel like Luka will be fine for tonight”

Ashton pressed the lobby button on the side of the elevator. The doors closed in front of us. I felt the elevator began to move. I looked to Ashton, smiling at him.

He loves me. Enough to even dress in a stupid costume for me.

“What’s that look for?” Ashton asked me.

I looked away from him.

“Oh, nothing” I said. “Nothing at all”

London. November 1st, 2019. 6 PM.

*HARRY’S POV*

“Guess who finally learned to play Falling on the piano” I said into my phone.

I sent my voice message to Tom, sending a video of me playing the piano too. I looked at my phone, waiting for Tom to text back. After a minute of nothing, I set my phone down on the piano.

He was probably busy with Jenny or his family. They were a cute little family. Tom would always bring his son into the studio while we were writing. I smiled to myself, remembering one day when Tom’s son wouldn’t leave me alone. I wished to have a family - someday. I liked the fact that I got to build and share a life with someone. Having a family meant I got to share my life with more than one person. I couldn’t wait for that day.

I picked up my phone again, unlocking it. I went to my messages, feeling as I should call someone. I scrolled down, stopping at Y/N. I didn’t talk to her in a few days. From when we last spoke, she was excited to see her friends back home.

I tapped on her name. I held my phone to my ear, waiting for Y/N to pick up. She didn’t.

She was probably busy. Probably with Ashton too . . . Was she?

I looked down at my phone, tempted. I stared at the Twitter app on my phone. I tapped on it, giving in. I immediately searched Y/N. Pictures of her and Ashton were the top tweets.

STOP Y/N AND ASHTON MATCHED I CAN’T

OKAY BUT THE FACT THAT THEY WENT AS Y/N’S FAVORITE SHOW IF THIS ISNT LOVE IDK WHAT IS

LOOK HOW CUTE THEY ARE THEYRE LITERALLY TWO DORKS TOGETHER

I scrolled more down, seeing more photos and videos of Ashton and Y/N. They were pictured out at a Halloween party together, both in costumes. One photo was of them leaving the party, holding hands. Y/N was smiling at Ashton. One video showed them talking at the party. Another picture showed Y/N, Ashton, Ali and Ezra.

I locked my phone, setting it back down on the piano.

He met her friends. Of course, he would meet them. He is her boyfriend after all but . . . isn’t is too soon?

I shook my head.

What am I talking about? Y/N’s relationships were none of my business just as mine weren’t hers. Besides, I introduced Camille to my friends soon after I dated her. I shouldn’t even care that Ashton met her friends quicker than I did.

I looked down the piano keys.

He met her friends before I did. It took six years for Y/N to introduce her friends to me. It only took him a month. I don’t understand it. What does Y/N see in him? What does she see in him and not in me? She trusts him so easily when I have been here for six years. I’ve always been there for Y/N and still, she couldn’t trust me enough around her friends.

Granted, there was reasons. Y/N and I always were too busy with our careers. We never could spend more than a few days together without the other having to leave. And I remember what Y/N said that night on her balcony a few months ago. She said so herself she had a hard time trusting people when we met but what about after? We’ve been friends for six years. She could have introduced me to her friends sooner than she did. She could have.

I sighed, feeling frustrated.

What did she see in Ashton but not me? She knows how much I’ve been there for her. She knows how much she means to me. I’ve shown it over and over again. I was there for her when Ashton wasn’t. Did she tell Ashton about her terrible parents? Did she tell him how she almost got married by mistake? Did she tell him about her miscarriage? She could tell me all that but won’t see what I have to offer?

I stared at the piano keys. I gently pressed on one key.

Maybe I was jealous. But I had the right to be. I’ve known Y/N for longer. I’ve been there for her. She knows that but refuses to accept it.

I pressed on the same piano key again. And again. And again.

I had the right to be jealous. I had the right to be angry. I felt used and lonely. I had the right to be.

I pressed down on the key once more.

“I know that you don’t. . .” I said. “But if I asked you if you loved me, I hope you lie to me”

#harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #hs imagine #hs imagines #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fanfic #everytime chapters #everytime HS

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jimlingss · 4 years ago

Text

Thank you, everyone, for your words of encouragement. In this short amount of time, I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed with messages of support. I want to reassure you all that I’m by no means as hurt as some of you think, or at least not after so much kindness. I’ve always encouraged all kinds of feedback!! From compliments to constructive criticism. And I’m (supposedly) an Adult™, so I can definitely take someone’s opinion.

Regardless, thank you to everyone who reached out to me. I want to respond to each and everyone of you under this post so I don’t flood other people’s dashes.

Anonymous said: about the anon who said your fics lack emotion, hmm i wouldn't quite agree tbh, i remember reading tears of a villian and deadass crying, it hurt me so much!! also, in "fall in hatred" their feeling are so well portrayed and i could understand why they acted a certain way! to conlclude, there is always some space for constructive criticism but your stories, are to me, something very attentively built and created, it's apparent that you completely enjoy writing, I can feel your enthusiasm!!

--to that anon; pls don't get this wrong way but it's just the way I see it and I've read quite a lot till now

nah deadass crying isn’t good enough anymore, anon. You have to be keening and violently sobbing until you’re brought into the ER for my fics to be considered to have emotion. lol I’m only kidding, thank you for the message.

peachiest-hun said: To that anon who said your work lacked emotions, I beg to differ! I have read Jungle Park so many times I know at exactly which chapter when the heavy angst starts happening and I read those parts when I just want to have a good cry (I still cry every. single. time)! Also Head Over Heels to Hell, The Colour of Our Voices, Love So Shallow (because I so relate with OC), and many more have given me the FEELS (happy and sad ones). 1/2

So what I'm trying to say is that Jimlingss is doing a great job in her craft. She does deliver emotions in her work and the reason I love it so much is that it's SUBTLE and not completely in your face. Sometimes emotions that are subtle and they hit you slowly, but powerfully it hurts even more for me. On another note, I'm loving Sugar and Coffee. In times of darkness which are often these days, I have something to look forward to every week to keep me motivated. So thank you Jimlinggs! 2./2

Istg Jungle Park is one of the most unexpectedly beloved fics on my blog but I love it hahaha I can’t believe you’ve read it to the point of knowing what chapter is what though. that’s an honour. There’s definitely stories of mine that are less subtle than others, but I’m glad that you enjoy the latter of them too :’) Thank you.

Anonymous said: This is my first time ever leaving a message on someone’s tumblr, but I just felt that I HAD to after reading that anon’s comment about your stories lacking emotion. I wholly disagree (in the nicest way possible, not throwing any shade at anyone). I’ve read all of your fics (for the past two years) and I look forward to when you release new material (the highlight of my Mondays right now after I come home from working at a clinic). Your stories have really lifted my mood during this pandemics an

Anonymous said: Sorry for that long tangent. Don’t even know if I made sense. You don’t have to respond to any of this, but you deserve to hear some positive words as well.

Oh my god. Did I just take your tumblr-message virginity? asdfghjkl I’m kidding. but thank you for reaching out to me. I can’t believe you’ve been around for such a long time and that I’m a part of your Monday routine :’)

Anonymous said: OK that ask about "constructive criticism" was def imo RUDE. You don't just anonymously go into someone's asks and bluntly tell an author that their fics "lack emotion". That is not the way to encourage someone to improve and continue to work hard. That's just flat out mean. That person clearly doesn't care about your feelings or the fact that you write and share your stories for FREE for us to enjoy. I love your stories and appreciate what you've shared with us. Thank you for your hard work ❤️

I like to give the benefit of the doubt to anons and anyone sending me a message online in general. God knows there were times I meant well but it was received wrongly. But anyway, my mind was more boggled than I was hurt, that’s one thing for sure.

joonie-mono said: + it was called love so shallow which genuinely made me see myself in a character, but my point was that your writing has a specific feel to it, it's made me laugh and cry (His Name personally killed me :] ) and that's my opinion. You and your writing are amazing and I'm sorry but that anon was just so wrong.

oof bringing out the evidence. be my attorney please.

Anonymous said: As someone who has read your entire masterlist (and going through it again) i will have to wholeheartedly disagree with that anon. The way you portray SO many emotions in your fics is *chefs kiss* and I honestly thought that the ones that “lack emotion” were meant to be that way, with an open ending, the idea that their love just started, soo.... yeah, I’ll have to disagree.

There are definitely stories of mine that are a bit looser on romance. Such as Kitchen Romance, The President’s Son, The Heiress’ Son, Arcadia, etc. But I have a loooot of fics that are quite emphasized in either despair/sadness or cute fluff.

ladyartemesia said: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I am here to disrespectfully disagree with anon who probably doesn’t write effing ANYTHING and has no idea what it takes to produce the content you do. I have followed for months and I’m still not through your masterlist BECAUSE reading your stories is a bloomin EMOTIONAL EVENT. When I read Brass and Strings, I LOST A WHOLE DAY. Like I was so into it, my DAY was gone. Anon is prolly salty there isn’t more smut I guess. That’s whatever for them. (Part 1)

It’s subtle, deep, meaningful, and incredible and you’re one of my favorite authors. I can’t FOR A SECOND let that comment go cause it’s RIDICULOUS. You’re literally so gifted. You don’t need to change a thing. Every artist, no matter their medium, should continue to improve. So in that sense I wish you all the growth in the world as you work towards the perfection of your craft. BUT SERIOUSLY you’re an incredible writer. That anon is loony. I’m so sorry you had to even read those crazy words.

As I answer these messages, it’s starting to feel like I’m the third party mediator of a dispute and all y’all are just HAMMERING it to this anon, LOL. I’m not sure if the anon is necessarily requesting for more smut but if they are, they might be happy this Friday (*COUGH spoiler for those actually reading my responses)

Anyway, you’re too kind. thank you. I am definitely not as hurt as I was earlier.

((and tbh you’re hilarious, you’re actually making me laugh irl))

krystle1990 said: Woah!! Ok first that Anon is absolutely crazy. I literally stalk your page for new work being put out! I probably blow up your notifications daily. I've never been disappointed in any of your work. You always give a heads up if it will take time for the characters to realize their feelings which I absolutely love. It always leaves me ready for the next part and I am glued to my phone with every update. You're amazing and I can't wait to see how you grow with your work. 💜😘

ASDFGHJKL PLEASEEE if it’s someone who’s worried about blowing up notifications, it’s me. To those who have notifications on I sincerely can’t fathom how often I blow up people’s phones. I digress, I always give out warnings to keep people patient since I know slow burn can be excruciating haha thank you for the message.

kigurumu said: Also just want to add that saying you have good intentions or "don't mean to be mean" does not cancel out whatever offensive thing you just said. IT WILL STILL RUDE. Not saying all negative feedback is bad. Criticism can be hard to take no matter how it's phrased, but telling a writer to be more like another writer is like telling them their style isn't good enough which is NOT helpful. Your writing is your own. If the anon wants to read fics that are like gukyi's, they can read gukyi's fics 🙄

Also I've been waiting until Sugar and Coffee is done so I can binge it all at once but avoiding spoilers from all the asks is so hard haha! I keep seeing all these good things about it and I'm SO tempted to just read it now but I've already waited this long so I don't wanna give up kfnrjrofvjskdh guess I'll reread your other fics in the meantime

The message was fine on its own but I think dragging in another writer at the end was definitely not ok. When will comparing writers end. But regardless, gukyi and I are cool with one another - i mean we wrote 100k together so it’s gonna have to take a reverse Zuko arc for us to be on bad terms lol

Anyway, oooh you’re one of those bingers. Can’t say I blame you cause I love binging myself, so it’s understandable for readers to wait till the series is over. and since you were so kind in following up your original message with two more and expressing so much appreciation for me :’), I’ll let you know that the finale of Sugar and Coffee will be posted by July 20th! by then, the entire series will be completed.

Anonymous said: Tbh i think that neither you nor that anon is wrong. Some people like it more romanticised and cheesy, some people dont. I believe that your stories are more on the realistic side of life. People (whom your characters represent) cant always be cheesy and passionate for love, there are other things in life! Maybe you're just the type who's too realistic for any hopeless romantic things like i am and it's fine. Not all writers can write dramatic romance

Tbh, I agree. It’s a matter of opinion and there’s no one wrong in the fight of opinions. As I’ve said many times on my blog, the cringe factor varies between person to person. What someone might think is fluffy is absolutely cringey to another. What someone might think is a good amount of fluff is not enough for someone else. I’ve written a lot. And I’ve made sure to add lots of variations between the amount of romance in my stories. Indeed, some are definitely more subtle and “realistic” while others are completely cheesy and makes me gag from the amount of sugar in it lol I just think the anon should take a look at more of my stories before coming up with such a conclusive opinion.

Anonymous said: I’ve been reading your fics for over a year now and religiously follow updates every week. Why? Because they make me feel something whether it be joy from fluff or grief from angst. I’ll remember a story of yours months after I first read it and return to it just to feel those emotions again. I understand that emotional responses are usually subjective but I think that anon needs to read your works again, because they sure are missing out.

I replied to that anon that they should check out more of my fics and then come back to tell me if they haven’t changed their minds, so I don’t know if they’re missing out or not lol

I don’t expect my stories to elicit emotional responses or fanatic feedback for everyone. God knows there’s been other people’s writing styles that just didn’t resonate with me no matter how hard I tried to read their stories. But all I ask is that people try. It’s fine if you give up halfway but at least try reading. That’s fair to ask, right?

#Anonymous #peachiest-hun #joonie-mono #ladyartemesia #krystle1990 #kigurumu

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gintamajustaway · 4 years ago

Note

Are there any other popular fandoms like JoJo and AOT that you did not get into? Me personally, it was AOT and FMAB. AOT was justing meh to me, and while I enjoyed FMAB, I did not stay in the fandom for too long. I get flak from my friends for not being into such classics, but I personally do not care for them, and I feel like it should be fine to not like the same things as your friends.

LOOOOOOL oh my god yes, probably most of them and the timing on this ask is actually great because I just had a discussion about this kind of stuff with a great friend of mine the other day. Not specifically about popular anime/manga necessarily, but just how incredibly fucked up fandom culture and fandom mindset is anymore. The whole thing is fascinating and honestly just wild to me because I’ve never been able to relate to it. Like, just reading this and if you look it up on this blog, I’ve talked about Fullmetal Alchemist (both Brotherhood and the 2003). It’s one of my favorites of all time. It’s the only anime I’ve bothered to buy all the manga for and have the complete collection because I just loved it that much. Having someone come into my ask box and say they didn’t care for it, I feel absolutely nothing. Because there’s nothing wrong with that and it doesn’t matter to me at all?? Everyone is different, everyone will like different things and have differing opinions, so I don’t understand why so many people have taken on this really fucked up fandom mentality that they need to attack someone or make a big scene about things that don’t matter.

I can obviously only speak for myself about any of this and using my own experiences here, but just like when I was having that discussion with my close friend recently, we both noticed that the best and longest relationships we’ve had with people online are with people that aren’t super invested in fandom. We enjoy anime and movies, but I swear the absolute best and most down to earth people that I’ve grown attached to and consider important to my life are the people that are chill and relaxed and none of them have ever or would ever attack someone online over something stupid like anime or fictional characters. I’m going to throw this example out there because it fits really well with this topic: Not too long ago, this random chick I never knew existed made this big long callout post about me and put it in the main Gintama tag. In this post, she called me all kinds of things -- arrogant, selfish, narcissistic, and a bunch of other buzzwords.

Why? Because I’d deleted my fanfiction over two years ago and she wanted to publicly let me know I’m a horrible person for doing so. And then, in the same post amongst all these nasty things, she begs me to repost all my fanfiction. So, this is a piece of that ‘fandom mentality,’ but then you also have to add in the fact that she’d posted in a public Gintama discord group her intention to make this callout post and they all agreed that they should and encouraged her to do it. These people that I’d never met and that know absolutely nothing about me were saying things like, “Yeah you can tell a lot about a person when they delete their fanfiction.” And one of the people involved in wanting this callout post to happen was someone I’d spoken to before, had only been extremely nice and inclusive to, and on top of that she was still following me. I don’t know if it was to keep tabs on me or what, but the whole thing is just wild to me and I’m endlessly fascinated by this whole fandom culture mentality because I don’t understand it. If you don’t like me, that’s totally fine, I won’t hold that against you as it’s not a big deal to me. I’m confident and strong enough as a person to be able to withstand if some random stranger doesn’t like me, but if you don’t like me then lol why are you following me?

But what’s so fascinating about this callout culture is that these people legitimately think that ganging up on people they disagree with is good and they’re doing the world some kind of service by treating people like shit. Whereas for me, sitting where I’m at as the one that had been attacked, I’m so glad I was never part of anything like that. Calling people out over something as stupid as fanfiction? God, I can’t imagine. Some of my favorite artists had deleted their work due to reposting and do I miss it? Of course! I loved their talent and creativity, but more than anything, I respect their decision to look after themselves. It’s wild to me that some people don’t possess this really simple concept and get so involved in getting things for free and consuming all they can that they completely lose sight of reality. I could seriously go on and on about this subject because I’m being completely honest when I say it’s incredibly interesting to me. What’s also kind of hilarious about it is that the groups that go around attacking people rarely stick together. There was this phenomenal post on twitter that a friend sent me. Here’s the link to it, I highly suggest giving it a read and reading the comments too because the whole thing hits the nail on the head.

Anyway, all of this rambling has a point and that point is this: maybe you need better friends. I’m absolutely not saying they’re bad people or that there are good things about them that you enjoy because I’m definitely sure there are! But if they’re genuinely making you feel bad over something as stupid as “you don’t like this anime,” then find people in a better mental place to hang out with. I am not kidding when I say my best online friends that I’ve had for literal years and talk to every single day through discord or texting, they are extremely well adjusted and enjoy anime/writing/drawing casually. From experience I’ve found that the people super obsessed with anime, feel entitled to free stuff from writers/artists, talk trash about people in cliques, stalk people -- these are the ones you want to avoid at all costs because they may be your “friends” but if you do anything they consider to be “wrong,” their next target is going to be super easy because it’s going to be you.

#anon #long post #not Gintama #small shout out here:#if any of my followers feel like they're trapped or stuck #or don't fit in because they can't relate to fandom mentality #hit me up #send me a message #I'm always down to chat #(just may take me a hot second to respond since I only get on here like once or twice a week)#you can always ask for my discord #I'm on there everyday #peace out

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allelitefics · 5 years ago

Text

Your Past... Pt 2.

Characters: Jon Moxley x reader (OFC)

Summary: He was your best friend for the longest time, and now he’s reemerged in your life. All the feelings you once had start to resurface. It gets complicated.

Warnings: borderline infidelity.

Categories: eventual smut, fluff, angst - again all the good stuff

The night was coming to an end, Brandi invited you out at the end of the show to go get drinks with some of the roster and you could honestly use it after taking a trip down memory lane. A terrible, horrible, trip down memory lane. And now all you wanted to do was avoid Jon, because you could feel yourself feeling how awful he made you feel after things ended. Unfortunately for you, he wasn't wanting to avoid you.

"Hey" he said approaching your area. You were almost done cleaning your makeup brushes. Once you packed everything up the crew would transport everything to the next location. "Hey" you said with a smile to him. "Mind if I sit?" he asks. "Go ahead." "Ouch, you not looking at me brings back memories." You shake your head and let out a laugh, "Seriously Jon?" you say. He laughs when he see's your smile, "Sorry. Last time I saw you in person.. it sucked." You nodded, "Yeah it did, didn't it." "Yeah..I question myself all the time if I did the right thing." You glance at him, "You're married." you say matter of factly. "Heh.. yeah." he says hesitantly. "Trouble in paradise?" you ask, did you care though? you thought to yourself. "For a while, but I don't want to bore you with that. How's Brian?" he asks raising an eyebrow at you. You lean against the table to face Jon. "That ended 6 months ago." "Damn.. I'm sorry." But he wasn't. "How do you know about Brian?" you ask. "Instagram." he says shrugging.

Your phone goes off, it's a text from Brandi asking where you were. "Oh shit." you say out loud. "Whats up?" "Brandi asked if I would go out tonight, can you give me a ride?" you ask then smile cutely at him. "Oh yeah, I was supposed to be there too. Yeah of course I'll give you a ride dummy." he says with a smirk. You smack his arm, damn has he gotten bigger since the last time you saw him, in a very good way. He laughs at you and looks at you ...he looks at you the way he used to look at you and it makes your heart race. "You all done here?" he asks. You nod your head, then bed over to grab your purse, and yep his eyes are all over you. All he can think about his grabbing you from behind and fucking your brains out. "Fuck" he says under his breath. You stand up and turn around to look at him and you almost laugh at him. "Did I say that out loud?" he says, he's flirting and you know it. "Yeah you did." you say. "You look really good." he says gesturing. You look to the side, "Thanks."

You walk in silence till you reach his rental. He opens the car door for you, "Aw thanks" you said and he laughs. "You always made me laugh." he says as you get inside. He stands in between the car and the door and looks at you and you turn back after you buckle, "Jon." you say because he's looking at you still...that look you knew all too well. "I want to kiss you so bad, y/n" You look in his eyes and get lost, "I know." you say nodding your head. He leans towards you, he's hesitant at first - things are rocky in his marriage and he's given up clearly. And then you pull him towards you and he presses his lips against yours. Your hand roams to unbuckle to the seat belt to free your body as you get out of the car and your back is against the door to the backseat of the SUV. His hands are tangled in your hair and you pull him towards you feeling him grow hard against you. He breaks the kiss and leans his forehead against yours. "Holy shit I've missed you." he whispers, then kisses you softly. You mouth won't let you say it back to him, even though you have. As long as he stayed away you never thought about him, but clearly for the last 3 years you still weighed heavily on his mind. You pull him closer one more time so that your lips touch. "We should get to that bar." you say. He steps back and nods, "Yeah good call." he says. You get back into the car and he gets in the driver seat. You pull up the address on your phone and put on the GPS. "Should I have not kissed you?" he asks after a few minutes of silence. "I..honestly don't know." you say. "I mean you're married Jon.." "But its you." he says quickly in rebuttal. "You also ended our..." you pause "friendship" for her." He sighs, "I know.." then he pauses, "I wish you told me how you honestly felt." "Would it had made a difference?" you ask. "Yeah it would have." he says almost sounding irritated. "See that's the thing, you always did that.. or I guess do that" "Do what?!" "Downplay how special you are to me. Or downplay how you feel because you don't want to be rejected. You had a relationship after me for a few years, clearly it's just me you do this with." You roll your eyes, "Don't roll your eyes." he says. Which makes you do it again. "So if I told you back then I was in love with you, you wouldn't have ran away?" "No!" "Bullshit, you were just as scared. I overheard you saying so many times to your buddies you didn't want to be locked-down." He shakes his head like he's disagreeing, and now you're 5 minutes away from this bar. "It's true Jon." "Fine I was an asshole, but all I ever wanted you to do was to be honest with me about how you felt. And you never could. So I had to let you go, and it fucking sucked." You had no words, and he pulled up and parked the car. "Thanks for the ride Jon." you say then go to get out of the car but he pulls your hand back and you're forced to look at him. He leans over and kisses you again, you give into him again and then gently push him off of you. "I can't do this with you. Not if you're still married." you say. "We're separated." he says. You almost want to laugh. But you just leave the car and head inside.

"There she is!" Brandi says when you approach her. "Yeah got caught up again in memory lane." Brandi then looks behind you and see's Jon coming through the door. "Did you two talk?" she asks as you order a drink from the bar. "Yeah, I don't know if i'm angry or sad or what." you say. "He told me he was separated. Which I call bullshit, I mean really you show up out of nowhere, clearly flirts with me, and then tells me that he's separated only after I told him I wouldn't basically hook up with him." Brandi's eyes widen and then she looks down to the side, "What.. what do you know?!" you persistently ask. Before she can reply to arms sneak up from around you, "Theres my favorite makeup artist." it' a line that everyone says to you..you get used to it now. You take in that heavenly scent, it was Scorpio Sky. Tall, dark, and extremely handsome. You turn around and give him an actual hug. Brandi standing there watching this interaction and she's just grinning. "You blew me off today!" you say hitting Sky's arm. "I'm sorry, you knew I would've come to see you, too much extra filming and bullshit."

Eyes on you, there were a pair of eyes on you and they were staring daggers into Sky. Jon from the other end of the bar watched you flirt with another guy and it was driving him insane.

"I'll let you two get back to your conversation. Come find me when you're done?" he asks. God is he charming, but very outspoken about not wanting to be in a relationship. You turn 30 next year, you're not wanting to be the hookup girl anymore. "Sure." you say knowing that conversation would be the same one that happens every time, he tries to convince you it'll be worth it and you laugh it off.

You turn your attention back to Brandi and you stop her before she can say anything about that interaction. "Don't! You know all he wants is a hookup." She shrugs, "Maybe just do it." she says laughing and taking a sip of her drink. You down yours, and now onto your next drink. Jon still keeping a close watch on you while another new kid from the roster picks his brain. "What were you going to say though?" you say. "Oh yeah!" she pauses, "So apparently that might be true." she says referring to Jon's separation. "How much did he pay you to say that?" you ask and she laughs. "Seriously, I still have friends over there. Word is that she cheated and now that they're not on the road together he was like fuck it." "Wow." you say...he was telling you the truth. "I guess if you're not with him 24/7 he'll just not care anymore." "I'm sure that's not what happened with you two." she says. She knew you never fully admitted your feeling to him before. "Yeah yeah.."

---

You go for your fifth drink when you see a hand take your drink before you can and you're about to give whoever it is a piece of your mind when you look over. "5 is your limit." he says. "I'm not 22 anymore, I can handle my alcohol like you." you say and then he laughs. "Have this one, but I'm cutting you off after." "Oh really?" you ask tilting your head. The alcohol made you definitely more comfortable. "Yeah really." he says with a smirk tilting his head to mock you. "What am i supposed to do after you cut me off?" you say sipping from your drink. "Let me take you back to your hotel." he says. You laugh, "I don't know Jon." He leans in and whispers into your ear, "You and I both know that we want this." he says and then kisses your neck and you melt. "Fuck" you say under your breath. "Wanna leave now?" You nod your head.

---

Everyone is usually booked at the same hotel, which made it even easier for Jon to navigate how to get there after the bar. He was glad he only had two drinks because he had been thinking about you all night. "I got really jealous when you were talking with Sky." You laugh, "Yeah, he's been trying for the past couple weeks." "He's a good looking dude." he says casually. "I know what you're trying to do.." you say. "What!" "You're trying to figure out if I've fucked him." "Have you?" he asks. "No. He's pretty outspoken about not wanting to be in a relationship. Legit all his focus is on wrestling." "And you." You shake your head, "It's whatever." and you finally pull up to the hotel. He grabs a parking spot and you get out of the car. You take his hand and go into the hotel from the back entrance.

It takes two minutes to get up to your room and it felt like the longest two minutes of your life. Once the door to your hotel room is shut your back is against the opposing wall and Jon's mouth is all over you. He pulls your shirt off of you and you do the same to him kissing each other in between clothes coming off. He's pulling your jeans down to the floor along with your panties as he drops to his knees, your body is eager as his tongue hits your core. You whimper, it's been a while since you've had sex, you needed this badly. "Fuck, get on the bed." he demands after a few minutes. You do what he says, you like this dominant side of him. You forgot how your body responded so well to it. Your back hits the bed and he can now really get a taste of you, his mouth is right back to where it was this time he sticks two fingers inside of you and you moan out. You can feel him smiling knowing he made your body react the way it did. "Fuck Jon." you moan out. You try to pull him up. "No I'm not done yet." he growls and you gets even quicker with his pace and within seconds after that you orgasm. "Oh my god" you moan out. He pulls you up and turns you over, so you're on all fours. He lines himself up with your entrance and eases himself into you. "Fucking shit" he growls as he enters you, you're so tight around him, because again it's been a while since you've had sex. He thrusts into you so hard you fall to your stomach and he remains on top of you until he wants to change positions, he flips you over again taking full control and you're on your back. He looks into your eyes when he enters you again, the moan that escapes your mouth he catches with his lips. "Goddamn you're beautiful." he says. You wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him intensely, which makes him go faster and harder until you reach your next orgasm and he cums seconds later, filling you up. "Fuck shit, I didn't mean to..I just" "It's okay." you say as he exits you. "I'm on birth control." He lets out a sigh of relief. "Sorry." "It's okay." you say laughing. He lays on his back out of breath next to you and lets out a laugh as well. He looks over at you as your laughter fades, "What's wrong?" he says then he grabs your hand and brings it to his lips to kiss. You look over at him, "This whole thing just brings back a lot of memories." "Yeah..same here. I'm glad you decided you believe me." "Yeah well sources told me you weren't full of shit." "Told you." he said then rolled over to his side, he leaned over and kissed you. "Look I know this shit is crazy, but I never stopped caring about you.. shit you know I don't use fucking social media but I checked on you all the time.." "I know." you say looking into his eyes.

He seemed truly genuine but you were afraid of what you've just gotten yourself into. Or that you became so vulnerable to him already.

You turn your head again and he can already feel you growing distant. "Don't do this to me again." he says, you quickly turn your head back. "Do what?" "You're getting distant, you're afraid. I'm not going to fuck you over...not again." "I believe you Jon." And you do believe him, you do. But your anxiety gets the best of you, you can't help but be a little timid to all of this. "But?" "No buts" you say. "There's always a but with you, but i'll take it. Come here." he says pulling you into him. He kisses your forehead. There's so much more he wants to tell you, tell you that he's loved you since you walked through the doors of CZW for training, that he never stopped loving you. But he knew it would just overwhelm you. For now, you both were going to embrace this moment.

#jon moxley x reader #jon moxley fanfiction #moxley x reader #jon moxley #dean ambrose

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tessatechaitea · 4 years ago

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Justice League International #7 (1987)

Kevin Maguire not really trying looks an awful lot like John Romita Jr at his best.

Ah! It feels good to be back! Taking a crack at John Romita Jr while he's just sitting there not doing anything particularly wrong. Just going about his business pretending to be a comic book artist! I don't know what John Romita's politics are but I bet he now agrees with Donald Trump on one thing: naming your kid after you is a huge fucking mistake. Was all that previous nonsense poisonous, vile, and toxic? I suppose one could argue the point. But I'd also guess that somebody arguing that point has never seen John Romita Jr's art. Or perhaps they have seen it and like it because they have a terribly underdeveloped sense of aesthetics. Otherwise nobody would argue with me at all! They'd just read the previous poisonous, vile, toxic nonsense and nod their heads in agreement while pausing for a second to snort a line of Adderall. Fine, I'm sorry, JRJR! Obviously you're an artist! Drawing squinty people with block heads and weird noses holding geometric guns without a single curve on them absolutely falls under the definition of art! Although I draw the line at accepting that Rob Liefeld is an artist. That's a bridge too far! What the fuck does that even mean, "a bridge too far"? It must be a term bombers in WWII used, right? "What the fuck do you mean, carpet bomb Dresden?! If we fly past the Geralthauskopfplatz Bridge, we're definitely getting scrawked by anti-aircraft flak, you bingehart!" Did that sound like an authentic American bomber pilot from the 40s? It's not like Catch-22 is my favorite book or something. Wait. Catch-22 is my favorite book. I guess I'm just no good at written impressions. I assure you it sounds exactly what you'd expect from an American pilot in the Forties if you heard me do the impression live. Also, this is probably the last month of my life where I'll be able to say, "Catch-22 is my favorite book." Because I'm over 500 pages into Gravity's Rainbow and it's just as fucking amazing as everybody who has pretended to read it says it is. This issue begins with Guy Gardner regaining consciousness after having been violently assaulted by his employer.

Why was the mouse glowing green?!

In my memory, Guy Gardner's change from dickhole to sweetest guy on the team came after Batman punched his lights out. But apparently that isn't the case. It's possible this new whack on the head is the cause or maybe it's something a bit later. I bet an editorial mandate came down which said they couldn't have Guy suffer serious head trauma from Batman punching him. So they had to add this new scene where Guy basically gives himself the head trauma that results in a catastrophic change in personality. The Justice League didn't quite finish destroying The Gray Man last issue so that story gets resolved pretty quickly this issue. Doctor Fate transported him to the Realms of Order where a big blob of Order disintegrates him. Which is what he ultimately wanted. It's what we all ultimately want. It's just you don't know that you want it until you've lived long enough for all the wonder to be bled out of life. That's why he's the Gray Man! Some people think life's too short but at 49, I'm beginning to suspect that it's way too fucking long.

This comic book passes the Reverse Bechdel Test: "Any story that has only one woman in it and every scene she's in, she's treated like a sexual object."

With The Gray Man out of the way, it's time to get to the important part of the story: turning the Justice League of America into Justice League International! I wonder how many people this change pissed off in the 80s? Fucking globalist woke elite bubble bullshit! People talk in derogatory terms about the coastal bubbles but they absolutely shouldn't. I won't disagree that I grew up in a totally different environment in the San Francisco Bay Area than people who grew up in the Midwest. A bubble? Sure. But it was a fucking good thing. I was recently showing the Non-Certified Spouse some of the station breaks from local stations in the late 70s and early 80s out of San Francisco and she was amazed at the representative shorts these stations presented, especially KTVU's "Bits and Pieces." Sure, there were the ones about ethics and morality humorously presented with a horse and bulldog puppet. But there were also the ones that showed different ethnicities and their lives, often ending with "I'm proud to be a Chinese American!" or "I'm proud to be a Black American!" The one about Japanese Americans even mentioned how Japanese families were put in interment camps during World War II. One was about Italian Americans and instead of Italian history, it just showed Italian art and various activities of people in the Italian community. One of the Japanese American shorts just had a Japanese American kid having to explain how he was tired of answering questions about being Japanese in America because he was fourth generation and just American as anybody else. But I guess that kind of commie pinko hogwash is why I'm a big fat America hating socialist! As I was saying before my politics politely interrupted (my politics interrupting impolitely would look like this: Trump voters should be forced to shit in their own mouths for all eternity), the main thrust of this story is to set up Justice League International. Judging by the cover, that means hiring some guy with a bucket on his head from Russia and Captain Atom, another white American male.

Ah yes! The introduction of the best character of the series: Big Barda!

Big Barda might not be on the team but at least there's another female character. Sure, Doctor Light was sort of on the team for three pages. And pretty soon, Fire and Ice will join. But it's mostly just been poor Black Canary having to put up with Booster and Blue Beetle's jokes about banging her. Max and J'onn discuss the United Nations possibly backing the Justice League while Superman talks respectfully with President Reagan. What a mistake! The biggest do-gooder on the planet normalizing fucking Ronald Reagan! He should be scolding him with a liberal smattering of Kryptonian tsk-tsks! That's when a Kryptonian gives you a little burst of heat vision every time you deny the AIDS crisis or invoke the spectre of Welfare Queens or destroy the economy by lowering the top marginal tax rates pretending that the money saved will trickle down to everyone instead of fat corporate cats simply keeping all the extra for bonuses and investors. Fuck that guy. I'm so mad now!

Of all the digs they could have taken with Reagan, they poke fun of his dementia?! Christ, Giffen and DeMatteis.

Hal Jordan drops by headquarters to give Guy a good talking-to but Guy doesn't need it because he's suffered a traumatic head injury on top of his brain damage alongside Batman's sucker punch to the face and now he's Mister Sweetbeans. And because he's acting so nice, nobody gives a shit that this is actually a medical emergency. Backing Maxwell Lord is a computer satellite in space. Is it Brother Eye already?! Are they already working together in 1987?! Or is it just some alien gizmo from the Millennium bullshit coming up? I don't remember! Heck, this Maxwell Lord might even be a Manhunter! Anyway, the satellite begins destroying shit on Earth with a giant heat beam. The Justice League, having nearly nobody who can do anything about it, doesn't call Superman to fix the problem. Instead, they decide to spend precious hours borrowing a space shuttle from STAR Labs to launch them into space to battle the space station. Also, they leave Guy Gardner back at headquarters on monitor duty. Because who needs the guy with experience battling in space with a ring that can protect every other member of the League while in space? Also the ring is the greatest weapon in the universe. So, you know, sideline that guy, right?

It's possible this was in the era where Superman couldn't survive in space either, really. But then that's even more incentive to get fucking Guy Gardner up there with them!

The Justice League manages to stop the satellite's destruction but mostly only because it was a huge set-up so every nation could see them save the world. Everybody wants them defending the planet now so the United Nations agrees to back them with one condition: two new members, one to pacify the U.S. and one to pacify the U.S.S.R.

I've read a lot of ridiculous things in comic books but Rocket Red's power levels being nearly equal to Captain Atom's might be the most ridiculous.

I love how Captain Atom's power level is 9+ but Rocket Red's power level is 8.43 instead of 8+. I guess the accuracy of whatever system they're using breaks down over 9. Captain Marvel quits the team and Batman steps down as leader so J'onn can lead. And that's about it, I guess! The issue ends with some kind of flim-flam about how its the 80s and we've become a global world and boundaries just don't work anymore and superheroes are cool as shit. I guess it's inspirational or something. There's still just one woman on the team though. Justice League International #7 Rating: B. Seven issues in and the Justice League has defeated two villains who weren't actual threats to anybody. They were just scams to get the Justice League some press. They also beat up and killed an old guy who was just frustrated with the boredom that came with the immortality the Lords of Order forced on him. So all in all, they're nearly as terrible as the New Titans who practically only ever battled relatives while putting the residents of New York City in danger every time.

#Justice League International #Justice League #DC Comics #DC #Kevin Maguire #J.M. DeMatteis #Keith Giffen

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buttered-ghost-toast · 5 years ago

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OC background story//Secondary Characters

1: i’m aware they’re sorta boring in a sense (literally all 3/4 profile busts lol) but I couldn’t be bothered to get super detailed about them yet. I was trying to work out a look, and this is the quickest way lol. Lots of mistakes here, don’t focus on that. Just...jive with me.

2: idk that anyone is going to be interested, but i’m happy with my little babies! :) This kept me busy lol.

Long post ahead!

Okay, so the band, Adria was formed sort of by accident. None of the members thought they were really going to get anywhere and were mostly just learning to play instruments and jamming to escape the pressures of adolescent life.

Niri--her parents were very strict and proper. “Yes, sir. No, ma’am.” type people who do what they can to keep up appearances. Her father is a police detective and her mother was a homemaker after the birth of her children, but was once an attorney. They expected the same level of success from their children, having picked out career paths before the kids were even a speck in the womb. When Niri and her older brother showed excellence in academics, they moved to a new city, enrolling them in an academy that was known for churning out high level success stories--Politicians, Judges, CEO’s of major corporations...you get the drill. They were happy to practically go into debt forever if it meant their kids would be successful.

Year 1...Enter KOU.

Kou’s dad was always business first. He expected his son to be the same. So much so that the day after the birth, he went out and bought a whole building to keep for his son, the future doctor, to house his practice. Being from an old money family, there was never a shortage of opportunities to rub elbows and make a way for this kid to be a success no matter what. Through years of primary education, he was a quiet kid, but there was something under the surface that loved to go against the flow of where his life was forced to travel. His mother passed when he was very young, but she was the reason he was able to have few moments of peace and fun. He and Niri were school rivals, fighting for the top spot on the scholar’s board, but...they wound up giving up the struggle when they realized they had a lot in common and neither really cared to pursue their parents’ dreams. They stopped attending after school programs and chose to graffiti and vandalize the building Kou’s dad bought while it was still empty. When they weren’t tagging, they were listening to “inappropriate music” and that soon became them teaching themselves to play the songs on instruments they bought...with Kou’s dad’s credit card. They didn’t sound bad after a while!

One day, the pair skipped school altogether to avoid an exam they had not studied for. On their way out of the academy, they were tailed by someone they never expected would keep their secret so well...

KRISS

Kriss and Kou are cousins. Their mothers were twins, so the two share a few features, but their personalities couldn’t be any more opposite. Where Kou is a grounded, sensible person, Kriss is carefree and...kind of an idiot. His mother raised him on her own and as a very open, artistic soul, she taught Kriss to always follow his heart and his dreams. He’s basically never been told “No” in his entire life. He was a very energetic kid, so his mother urged him to try out the drums (maybe it would tire him out enough for a nap) which he ended up falling in love with. It’s one of the few things he ever really kept an interest in despite being pretty flighty with his pursuits otherwise. Once he realized what his cousin was up to, he set up a drum kit within a few hours and was glued to their side ever since.

Kriss’s mom is the only person who really believed in the band from the start. She would be a big help through their early years and to this day has a reserved spot to watch them play shows whenever she wants (usually stage right).

Did I mention Kriss was part of the percussion section of the academy band? Well, it was more of an orchestra, but still. He felt there was something lacking in their sound during jam sessions so after a few weeks, he called up a few friends.

Vash

Vash is a complete wildcard. He’s the sweetest person you’ll ever meet, but it takes a while to realize that because his personality is quite...Sharp. He has no problem speaking his mind, never has, and he’s not afraid to call anyone on their BS. Does an expert job of providing entertainment with his outbursts. His first words when he dropped by the “clubhouse” were “so you expect me to play in this shit hole?” His mouth usually got him in trouble at school so he was somewhat happy to have something to occupy his mind so his mouth wouldn’t run so often. He’d been playing music for many many years, his parents both being famous musicians themselves, so he has mastered quite a few instruments and often provides backup vocals because “none of the rest of you dingbats can be trusted to stay on key.”

He is the glue that holds everything together and his honesty keeps everyone grounded. He expects everything to run smoothly and on time, so he was made leader of the band within the first hour. It’s effortless and he keeps his cool pretty well under pressure, but the one person who manages to make him snippy is Eri.

ERI

Eri is a mess of a human being in the most endearing way. He’s a walking contradiction and he loves to push buttons. He and Vash have been neighbors and best friends since they were born. They’re the Yin to each other’s Yang and act like an old married couple, always disagreeing on the most basic things. It has never been an issue and the others love to watch a match go down. Where Vash is hands-on and always on track, Eri is laid back and couldn’t care less if something goes wrong. That’s not to say he’s not passionate about their dream, he’s just more of a “Things will happen as they happen, just go with the flow” type. His easygoing nature lends him a very grounded and rhythmic personality...perfect for a bassist. His favorite thing is spending time with friends and being able to just do what his soul calls him to do. He does, however, absolutely hate attention. It makes him feel pressured to act a certain way or do a certain thing and it just clashes with his entire vibe. He broke out in a rash when they got their first major gig and had to do a meet and greet. He loves his fans, but...can they not want pictures all the time? “I look awkward when I smile.” He really does. The boy doesn’t smile, it’s always a grimace.

Eri’s dad owns a very successful restaurant and often got the band small gigs like birthdays and weddings that he was hired to cater for. He doesn’t understand what they’re hoping to do, but hey, the kids play some mean covers of songs he grew up on. Besides, if his son is happy, that’s good enough for him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For the first few years, they snuck around and the others lied for Niri and Kou when their parents had questions. They couldn’t say they weren’t all hanging out together, so once things got real, they moved their practices to Vash’s house since his parents had all the equipment they needed and didn’t really care one way or another about what was going on, too busy with tours and things.

Once they graduated, it was harder to cover. Niri came clean to her father, her mother having found out shortly before but promising to keep it quiet if she just quit and focused on school. Her father was furious and demanded she cut ties with her “hooligan friends” immediately as she was set to go to college and become a lawyer like her mother. Niri refused and was kicked out of her home after being called a failure of a child. This only fueled her fire to pursue her dream. She called Vash, mostly to cry in frustration, but he met her at the front of her neighborhood saying “I just felt something was up with your dumb self so I came by to check. Good thing I did. Let’s go, you’re moving in with me til we figure all this out.” The two soon became three when they got an apartment with Eri two months later.

Kou had a similar experience once he told his father he didn’t want to be a doctor and had no plans to attend his father’s alma mater (which he only got into after his father wrote a very generous check being Kou’s grades had slipped to an abysmal level) he was removed from the premises by security, cut off financially, and removed from the will within 2 hours. The only thing he managed to keep (for a while anyway) was his car, so he hopped in and drove over to his aunt’s house and lived there for a while with her and Kriss.

During this time, they still had small shows coming left and right. One night after a few years of a rough grind with no money and shitty daytime jobs, while playing a local club (that didn’t even pay them by the end of the set), they met a small time producer who liked their sound and asked them to record a demo. The producer played the demo to a group of friends that called a separate group of friends and eventually their little song made it to the ears of a real band who had an unexpected opening in their roster for an upcoming festival tour. Adria got the call and had to scramble to get their set list ready. It wasn’t anything big, just a side stage gig, but the more stops they played, the bigger the crowds they drew.

When they made it home after several stops, they were met by the producer who found them, asked to record a whole album and from there they filmed a very low budget MV and soon after their first single was playing on the radio. They were asked to appear on small time local talk shows. They spread like wildfire once their second single dropped, played on stations nationwide. More MVs and a headlining tour followed with a second album set to drop. Kriss and Niri were asked to be part of a 6 episode arc on a popular TV drama and a second tour. It was a tough climb, but they’ve been at it for 15 years. Niri and Kou did go back home at one point and faced their parents, attempting to make amends and build a bridge. Kou and his dad are in a much better place now, the old building they used to play around in was transferred into Kou’s name and they now use it as their recording studio/ band headquarters.

Niri’s family reunion was a little less of a happy ending, in fact, it’s still a work in progress. Her mother apologized and they cried a little over the years missed, but her dad is a very tough man to get through to. He acknowledged he was harsh in his actions but still feels justified in what he did. He says if it weren’t for his tough love, Niri wouldn’t have felt the need to work so hard to get to this place in her life. He did at least say thank you when Niri handed him a check to cover the hit her parents’ savings took when her brother went to medical school. She has weekly calls and video chats with her mom and her brother often makes it out to shows and sends her snaps when he sees her on TV or hears the band on the radio. Her dad sometimes texts her “Heard your new song. It’s loud.” That’s his way of saying he's giving it a chance and doesn’t exactly hate it.

#butter's OCs #the band Adria #OC backstory

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afriendtokilltime · 5 years ago

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Okay, fine. Let’s talk about parasocial relationships.

The term “parasocial” has been making the rounds as a very very smart sounding thing to say. It not only establishes that you know an unusual and complex word, but also that you are too smart to fall for marketing tactics, and that you are much too cool to show enthusiasm for anything!

So, what’s a parasocial relationship? It’s a one-sided relationship with a celebrity or fictional character--the entire relationship takes place in your head. You’re reading this on tumblr, which means you have lots of parasocial relationships. You’re very parasocially popular! Maybe you even have one with me. (Probably not, I stopped posting for a long time, so we probably don’t parasocially know one another at all.)

I first encountered this term being used as an inherently bad thing, something to avoid, as though the term referred to the negative version of itself. What I saw was not people explaining why it can be harmful, but speaking as if we all know it is (the way you’d use “alcoholism”).

I see people carefully watching themselves to make sure they aren’t engaging in a “parasocial relationship,�� or referring to a behavior they don’t like as “borderline parasocial relationship behavior.” But, there is no such thing as “relationship behavior” other than closing the psychological distance between yourself and another person. “Parasocial relationship behavior” is doing this, but it’s one-sided. You get closer, and they do not. That’s it. That’s the only thing. Does that mean building a shrine to Kristen Stewart? Does it mean crying with joy at Hbomberguy’s Mermaids/Donkey Kong stream? Does it mean writing a 100k fanfiction about Hermione Granger, Vampire Slayer? Does it mean buying a David Bowie CD? Does it mean begging the show writers to finally make that queerbaity relationship canon? Does it mean killing the president? You decide!

Becoming psychologically closer to people and characters is not inherently unhealthy, whether they know who you are or not. How you treat them and respond to that closeness, and how they choose to cultivate closeness, can of course be unhealthy...but so can reciprocal relationships.

What’s weird to me is that we generally seem to be aware that there are bad and good (healthy and unhealthy) relationships. I have a good relationship with @randomshoes because we support each other, are interested in each others’ success, spend quality time together, and communicate well. If I was to stalk her or kill a president for her, or if she was to abuse my trust and take all my money while falsely assuring me she loved me, our relationship would be somewhat less healthy.

So, what’s so bad about parasocial relationships?

They don’t actually care about you and they are taking your money.

If a marketing team/a celebrity uses these relationships to prey on vulnerable people, that might be an abusive relationship...in the other direction. If I manipulate a friend I know out of her money, I’m the bad guy, right? But if I’m famous, and she’s 16, and I knowingly manipulate her out of her money, then she’s the bad guy, because teenage girls are dumb and they should feel bad for ever liking anything, forming identities, feeling attraction, or basically being uncool and childish in any way.

It is definitely a good idea to remember that transactions are a part of how art is usually consumed, and not to express your affection or deep identification with an art/artist by spending lots of money on tee shirts that depict them. However, even this type of interaction can be encouraged in a healthy, positive way. Patreon seems to really make people mad, but it’s not the worst system for artists who Live in A Society and don’t happen to have any lembas laying around. “I’ll pretend to love you so you can make me a millionaire” seems kinda gross but “I appreciate that your support helps me continue making the art you love” kinda sorta does not.

Some people go too far and commit heinous crimes because they expect their parasocial affections to be reciprocated.

Those crimes would be heinous even in an already reciprocal relationship. (I already mentioned this, but if I committed terrorism for my very real girlfriend who knows exactly who I am, that would probably make me no better or worse than Hinkley.)

You’re an isolated loser and need real friends.

Okay. Anybody pouring all their energy into one relationship is probably not doing life correctly, regardless of how parasocial that relationship is. But this is a point on which I simply do not agree. People engage in these behaviors regardless of how wide their friend circle is. If not with celebrities, then with fictional characters, or even historical or political figures (think more “little father” than “senator” though what you do with that Bernie Sanders picture in your room is between you and God). Oh speaking of God, relationships with religious figures might arguably have some similarities and speak to the same human tendency, but there is of course the difference that Justin Bieber doesn’t know who TF you are, but God does.

Uh, sorry, you didn’t address my point. Forming parasocial relationships stops you developing real relationships.

I actually think it encourages reciprocal socialization. I didn’t have many friends growing up. When I met two other kids who were obsessed with Harry Potter, we bonded over that, making up our own characters (next generation type of BS...still better than the book 7 epilogue), and this formed the basis of a friendship that lasted basically my entire pubescence. These parasocial relationships are generally part of a broader interest, and interests and hobbies help you meet people, break the ice, and uhm...form real relationships.

It’s not just interests, though. I was hardcore into dinosaurs as a kid. Literally every child likes dinosaurs, but that didn’t help me form any new friendships. The other reason I think parasocial relationships lead to better real relationships is...practice. You are engaging in social behaviors, whether or not you’re any good at them, whether or not you succeed. This is what’s required to learn any new skill, but it’s generally discouraged.

You don’t just learn about how to socialize, you also learn about yourself. You develop a sense of identity and learn what you like and dislike by associating yourself with favorite characters.

Children and teens often imitate their behaviors, and though that can be a bit annoying (why yes I do have the Spanish Inquisition sketch memorized but thanks for repeating it to make sure I got it), it also helps them figure out what kind of people they want to be (maybe you want to be funny, so you over time learn that what made Monty Python so funny was surprise, surprise and fear, and you develop comedic timing). Knowing what kind of person you want to be is important.

Right, but it’s selfish. You keep calling it “one sided” which it literally is. There’s no checks on your behavior.

Right. I think that’s good, though? I think it’s good for people to sometimes do selfish things. I think it’s good to cultivate parasocial relationships because they are a way to self-soothe, and get your own needs met, without burdening others. We are social creatures, and we absolutely need relationships, but nobody owes you a relationship. Nobody owes you affection or love. Having a way to cultivate that for yourself is actually incredibly valuable.

It’s worth commenting here that I think my strongest parasocial relationships are probably with characters I’ve made up myself. They are “a part of me” in that they are always there in my life, but unlike some writers, I do not base characters on myself or see them as reflecting specific parts of me. I relate to them in the same way I relate to Harry Potter, except that I was the one who made them up initially, and books I write about them can be published and I can make money off them. (On some theoretical plane of existence.) It’s pretty clear that I am the one doing all the work on both sides of this particular parasocial relationship, but it doesn’t feel super different to me than the fact I very intensely relate to certain characters not made up by me. I don’t conceive myself dating one of them, like I don’t have a Dorothy L. Sayers thing going on, but I don’t really think it would be wrong if I did.

What do you mean not being a burden on others? What about toxic fans putting pressure on creators?

Yeah...that’ll be in the “unhealthy relationship” category. But, okay, I guess where I am ending up here is I do think it’s good to recognize parasocial relationships exist and talk about them, because it reminds you that even if a relationship is not reciprocal, you do have responsibilities. If the other person is real, that means they are only human, and even if you have no choice but to stan, you should give them some breathing space. The Shinji Ikari ContraPoints in my head can be my super close friend, but if I expect the real Natalie Wynn to give me any more energy than she already does to her entire audience by making the awesome videos I enjoy so much, I’d be really rude, demanding, and honestly not worthy of her friendship if it was “real.”

Parasocial relationships are relationships which means, just like with reciprocal ones, you have to not be a dick. You have to respect the other person and recognize they are a human being separate from you. Even with characters, Harry Potter can’t be hurt by anything weird and demanding you do, but Rowling could, and so could other HP fans, so respect is still important. If it’s not already clear, I strongly disagree with people who suggest fanfiction is disrespectful, so.

If you understand that your relationship is abstracted, and that you do not deserve any kind of reward for all the energy and love that you pour into it...then enjoy your parasocial relationship, because it is absolutely normative, human, and can bring great joy and meaning into your life. In fact, almost all of what I just said applies to reciprocal relationships, too.

#parasocial relationships #fandom #fanfiction #relationships #I have some more thoughts probably but here are these ones

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surveys-at-your-service · 4 years ago

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Survey #304

“she’s got a hold on me / maybe she is just what they want me to be”

How many foreign friends do you have? Only one that I know of that actually immigrated into America in their life. I think. In which countries do they live? She was born in Asia, either China or Japan. What was your dream birthday party as a kid? I either wanted to go to the skating rink or Chuck E. Cheese. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, definitely. Whose hand did you hold last? Probably my niece's or nephew's if they were taking me somewhere. What was the last thing you planted? Habaneros, I think. Do you have a green thumb or are you all thumbs with plants? I don't really try with plants because I'm not interested in the maintenance. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? Does telling your therapist about another person and what they do to stress you out count? lol Any books on your night stand? Wings of Fire: The Brightest Night. Would you ever consider going vegetarian? I was briefly one, but I had to introduce meat back into my diet because I just hate too many foods needed to keep me healthy without meat. I would love love LOVE to go vegan, but I just can't. When's the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? Probably holding open a door for someone in a wheelchair. What's the most selfless act you have done? I don't know... Maybe letting my mother use all my Christmas and birthday money (which was a lot) to take care of bills to keep us from being evicted and losing the car. She was going to pay me back, but then cancer happened. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. What makes you feel lucky? The fact I have a roof over my head, food on the table, access to water... That kind of stuff. Never take it for granted. How many Lidls are there in your town? One. Last time you went to Ikea, what did you buy? I don't believe we've ever bought anything from there? But I wouldn't really know. How do you like your favorite beverage? Really cold in a can, heeeeell yeah. What's your big family secret? We don't really have one. What did you think you were good at, until you saw someone else do it? I remember thinking I was the "gifted" artist in school until I met my acquaintance Cailin in the 5th grade, lol. She is SO talented. What is something nice going on in your life right now? My partial hospitalization program is going well. I'm getting more comfortable with talking via things like Zoom, it's a good opportunity for me to socialize with like-minded people almost every day, and I ADORE one of the teachers so much so that I want him to be my normal therapist. I have never in the entirety of my life felt less judged and more cared for from any therapist before him, and it's almost supernatural how easily this man reads people. You could twitch a certain way and he picks it up. I'm ready for him to teach more of the sessions. What was the pinnacle of wealth to you as a child? The idea of owning one of those toy crane machines, haha. If I saw one in a store, I would like beeeeg for it. I remember I cried once when I came across one I adored, it was just too expensive, lol. I did eventually get a little one, I think. What's something that you hate, but can't live without? My meds. What skill do you not talk about, because you feel it sounds like bragging? I don't really brag about anything I think I'm good at because I feel bad about it and don't wanna emit a "better than you" vibe. Who's the worst person you've encountered on the Internet? Ahhh, a lovely "friend" nicknamed Shakes. God she hated me. If death wasn't a consequence, what would you try? Probably ride a motorcycle. I'm too scared to risk the possibility of crashing, and those wrecks are nasty. What's the dumbest thing you've heard someone say? There's this one video of a TV show host thinking the moon was a planet and it was just- What is the worst smell you can remember? This smell was forever branded into my memory as if it was fuckin trauma. When my late dog Teddy had a massive, infected cyst near his ~you know~ and also wore diapers because of incontinence with his age (also keep in mind he had a UTI we couldn't afford to fix, and that smells bad enough), changing the diaper he would wear overnight could, swear to God, be enough to make you puke. It literally came to a point that I personally could no longer do it. It sounds so so bad and selfish, and it probably is, but Mom had to do it before she left and came home from work; she's way less fazed by stuff like that than me. Yes, when we had the money, we got the cyst removed. What song gets better the louder it gets? Only like, every song I enjoy. The louder the better until it becomes obnoxious to others. What's the biggest inconvenience that does NOT ruin your day? Having to pee at like an unnatural frequency? haha What's something everybody should know how to do? Cook... which I don't know how to do. What is a great movie no one knows about? I'unno. I don't really know the success level of most movies unless you see stuff about it everywhere. What type of person could the world use less of? Rapists, pedophiles, monsters like that. What makes you tingle? I have this odd reaction to rubbing my hand while someone is holding it???? idk why????? What’s the best Wi-Fi name you’ve seen? Oh MAN, I wish I could remember 'em all. I've seen some goodies. What's easy to learn, but hard to master? God, it's pathetic that my immediate response is related to a video game, haha. Then again it's such a common idea that it's basically a meme in the World of Warcraft community. So, playing hunters in the game. They're argued to be one of the - if not the - easiest classes in the game that requires little to no skill, while as a hunter main, I disagree with the second part firmly. I don't know about the other specializations because I don't play them, but at least in beast mastery, it takes focus and thinking ahead to master your rotation for optimal damage and just to generally be a skilled player of the class. Not to mention you need to watch your pet(s), too. What's something you've changed your opinion on? Wow, LOTS. Tons of political ideas, like my stance on gay rights, transgender folks, etc... If you had a refilling bowl, what would you want it to contain? For some reason my mind immediately jumped to fresh strawberries. I'm picky with the firmness of fruit, so I won't eat them if they're older because ew. If your bedroom had three portals to anywhere, where would they lead? I mean this in the least creepy way possible, but Sara's house so we could actually hang out, Dad's house so I could see him more, and then uhhh South Africa to regularly see meerkitties. You can ask any author one question about their story. What do you ask? Oh, I dunno. I've got some for writers of other media, but I guess by "author," you mean this is for books exclusively. If you have caffeine late in the day, does it cause you to struggle with your sleep? Shit, I wouldn't even know because I essentially always have caffeine in my system. I don't believe it affects me. When you struggle to sleep, what do you do instead? Keep trying to sleep, or more common than not, I do exactly what you shouldn't do and get back on the laptop for a while. Who was the last person you spoke to for the first time? How did you come to speak to this person? My most recent therapist in the PHP. I love love love him. The therapists rotate the days they teach, and he was the last one I met. Are there any TV shows from your childhood that you still watch today? I'm not opposed to it if I actually watched television. Do you enjoy buying gifts for other people, or do you never know what to buy them? If I actually have the money to, omg yes. I honestly do think I create or buy very thoughtful gifts, and I just really enjoy reminding other people that I love and think about them. Who were you with the last time you went out for a meal? My sisters, Mom, and I went to the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday dinner. That place has come to oust Olive Garden as my favorite restaurant, haha. What’s the last thing you watched on TV? Is this a programme you watch regularly? I believe it was this amateur cooking show called Nailed It!, I think it was, with my mom when I sat in the living room with her for dinner one night. Do you have a favorite documentary subject (eg. nature, celebrities, history, crime)? Absolutely animals. Does having to wear a mask stop you from doing anything, just because you dislike them or find them uncomfortable? Do not fucking talk to me if you're anti-mask. If I set foot in public, I'm wearing a mask like a goddamn considerate human being. Do you prefer zip-up or overhead hoodies? Overhead. I really dislike the appearance of zippers on them. If you have a yard or garden, how much time do you spend out there? N/A When was the last time someone bought you flowers? What was the occasion? I think it was the first time Tyler came to my house. This was quite a few years ago. When was the last time you stayed overnight away from home? Was this with friends, family or in a hotel somewhere? What was the occasion? Hell, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept over anywhere since the last time I was visiting Sara, which was like, two years ago. What’s your favorite period to learn about in history? What got you interested in this particular era? The Renaissance; I always found it to be an attractive subject, art being in its "glory days" and all. My Art History course in college really hooked me in. What is the smallest thing you lose your temper over instantly? Homophobic bullshit. What's a job that doesn't get enough respect? As others have said before me, teachers might just top the list. The shit they gotta put up with for so little pay... What did you take for granted until you visited another country? I've never left America, so I wouldn't know. Who is your favorite scientist and why? I don't have a favorite; I don't know nearly enough about any. Do you prefer emoticons or emoji? I'm from the emoticons era, so I'm biased, haha. How did you meet your pet? Roman was the kitten of one of my sister's mother-in-law's females. They have quite a cat problem and wanted to adopt the kittens out, and Mom knew I desperately wanted a cat, so there we go. One day when we were over there, she showed me the kittens, and Roman caught my eye instantly with his beautiful blue eyes. Venus, I "met" via the Morph Market, a reptile hub website for selling, as the name implies, reptiles that are generally morphs of their species. I was clicking through the genes, keeping my price ceiling in mind, and really fell in love with champagnes, and I thought Venus in specific was just absolutely beautiful. I officially met her as a little thing mailed to me, and she was and still is just the sweetest. I wanna point out that when I chose Venus, I hadn't the slightest idea that champagnes harbored "the spider gene," as otherwise I would have avoided adopting her and feeding the market. Regardless, I love her to death and wouldn't trade her out. Did/Do you have any PEZ dispensers? I did as a kiddo, yeah. Do you enjoy erotic stories? If so, do you read them or write them? No; they make me really uncomfortable. When writing RP, some scenes can get sexual, but I have my limits for sure and know when to stop writing and just time-skip. If you had to choose, which one would you rather have: a pet or a baby? Keep the baby away from me. Gimme a plains hognose or tarantula, please. ^Why did you choose the one you chose? I don't want kids at all but would love the mentioned animals as pets. Do you live with your parents or on your own/with a partner? I live with my mother. What's the car of your dreams? I don't have a "dream car." Have you ever witnessed something or someone die? Animals, yes. Has anyone ever told you that you snore or talk in your sleep? I don't snore, but I talk a LOT. Do you have any houseplants? No. Are you more on a laptop or a desktop computer? I only have a laptop, and I prefer them for portability's sake. If you could do absolutely anything, what would you like to do the most? Entirely leave behind my anxiety, probably. Or PTSD. Do you think your parents raised you well? Yeah. Dad didn't really take much part in "raising" us/enforcing rules and stuff, but hey, my sisters and I wound up being good people. Do you have a Facebook? Yeah. Do you know any of your neighbors? Definitely not well. We haven't lived here long at all. Does/did any of your relatives have an interesting, nowadays unusual job? I'm sure somebody does. Have you met your ideal partner yet? I think so. Have you had a serious relationship yet? If so, how many? Yeah, two. Do you enjoy books, magazines or comic books the most? Books. Are your parents old-fashioned or up-to-date about certain things? Dad is more old-fashioned I think, while Mom is pretty up-to-date. Do you or did you at some point keep a diary? I very briefly did on a few occasions. I always had a journal I wrote in during all my hospital stays. Have you ever upcycled trash into useful items? I remember I once followed this craft idea on Animal Planet where you turn a milk jug into a bird house. We never got any birds in it, though. Which color Skittle do you like best? The only right answer is red. What’s your favorite element? Of the classic four, fire. If you had your own radio show, what would it be like? YIKES, I don't want one. Don't make me talk in front of (through a radio or not) people. What has been the biggest surprise you’ve ever gotten? An "impossible" breakup over Facebook Messenger lmaoooo. Is there a holiday you can’t stand at all? There aren't any that I "can't stand," but I do hold at least some degree of dislike of ones bastardized by religion. It's disrespectful as fuck. Who is your favorite person in the whole world? My mom. Has there ever been an activity you became obsessed with? I was definitely obsessed with RPing in my early teens. Like, I ALWAYS wanted to be writing it. What has been the strangest place you ran into someone from your past? I can't think of an occurance. What is something people tend to come to you about? Anything related to English and grammar. If applicable, what's the furthest you've traveled because of a hobby? For purely a hobby, definitely not very far, partially because I can't drive or afford travelling via plane or whatever. Do you have souvenirs from other countries? If so, what and from where? N/A What do you do when someone is talking to you about something you don't care about? Pretend to be interested to avoid being rude. Do you have Photoshop installed on your computer? Yeah. Do you put lotion on after you get out of the shower? No, but I need to. Has anyone ever given you a promise ring? No. Do you have any bruises on you? Yeah, on my shin. When getting in Ash's van the other day, I hit it against the thing that helps you step up into the vehicle. Because of my muscle atrophy, I, and I am not kidding, can barely manage to absolutely yank myself up there. And mind you, her van isn't even very high up at all. My legs are just that damn weak. Any changes in appearance lately? Gaining weight is fucking lovely. Who was the last person to call you babe or baby? Probably a gal friend commenting on a selfie or something on Facebook. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? Sometimes. Do you actually care about other's problems? Probably too much for my own good. Have you ever gotten a teddy bear from someone? Besides my mom, I don't think so.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''big bad wolf'' by in this moment

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criticallyalexandrite · 5 years ago

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Ah fuck it. To make up for me grieving over Scott Cawthon turning out to be a nasty rule 64 artist I’ll just remake that old post about my AU Diamonds right now.. My AU is now officially called Crystal Rebel Nora. I saw another SU crit propose the title of Crystal Rebels for the Crystal Gems and I really liked it. So my AU’s plot uses it. I also came up with the title Crystal Rebel Nora cuz it sounds like it could be a magical girl title. My version of Nora Universe is very much a magical girl. Even if her magic comes from being half alien. Here’s a basic rundown of what to expect from my WIP AU’s version of the Diamonds. The Diamonds are very much slaveowners and space nazis in my AU. This is not toned down even a little bit. Even though my AU Diamonds will have fleshed out personalities, their abusive nature will be made very clear. Their motive in this AU is me attempting to rewrite White’s interesting motive in Change Your Mind. But I plan to take it even further and not use her mindset for her motive of forcing everyone to be like her as a way to garner sympathy. It'll instead be used to show how evil and scary she really is. The Diamonds’ origins in this AU is that they are Gods that come from another plane of existence. Think of the spirit realm because that describes pretty well what their home origin is like. They’re malicious spirits that wanted more power than they started off with. So they found a way to use their powers to transcend out of the spirit realm and become the Diamond Authority/Godhood. All the Diamonds are the same age in this AU so Pink will not be coded as the other Diamonds’ child. Think of their behavior as being like the original folklore for sirens. They have pretty humanoid appearances as a way of luring other species’ into giving up their autonomy and resources. They know how to manipulate their new colonization victims into a false sense of security. Their victims often won’t realize what’s going on until it’s too late. And by that point White will have been able to program them into being robots that repeat whatever she wants. White did this for eons without any remorse. In her mind she justifies it by claiming her actions are driven by the darwinist survival of the fittest mindset. She craves the energy she gets from brainwashing and enslaving new victims. To her that is more immediately beneficial than trying to consider the well beings of her victims. So thus she does not care and if say Nora tried to redeem her the effort would be pointless. The other Diamonds don’t secretly disagree with her plans/methods. They have the same amount of carelessness for “lesser life forms” as her. Think of the Diamonds being almost hivemind-like in nature. To the extent that incubators in Madoka Magica all seem to think just like Kyuubey himself. In fact that’s a good comparison for how White’s mindset works. She sees compassion as a disease that needs to be wiped out because it gets in the way of efficiency. Thus why she labels any gems who her brainwashing efforts don’t work on immediately as defects. Defects that must be either shattered or harvested. And she will just see Nora as another defect once she can stop seeing Nora as a “weird looking Rose Quartz.” Nora will be treated by her like White would treat any other defect gem even if the defect gem was raised on Earth. Since the Diamond Authority in this AU have troops on Earth like the Sea Spire gems and the kindergarten gems and all the other parts of Earth they’ve taken over that have Quartzes/Topazes/Angelites/Lapises/etc guarding them. Here’s a quick summary of my plans for how the CRN AU Diamonds will be characterized. White Diamond the main and first Diamond could represent famine. What happens when a leader focuses too much on gathering resources for the sake of it at the expense of their people. White Diamond is the real reason Homeworld is running low on resources. She uses them for materialistic reasons. Like gem harvesting and making huge impractically designed monuments for “aesthetic.” She also calls for them to be used to colonize every single planet in existence. White Diamond is like that mom that spends over a hundred dollars on her favorite chic designs because they look cool to her. And then remembers last second that she forgot to buy food for her kids. Or that capitalist rich person who steals savings from poor people on the verge of poverty so she can buy a yacht that costs a billion dollars. Yellow Diamond, the second Diamond, represents what happens when military is supported more than is needed. When they essentially get power hungry and start doing inhuman things with their experiments and weapons. To establish this aspect of her, she created things like the cluster, forced fusions and the geodes out of petty revenge reasons against Earth gem rebels. However in this AU she actually makes sure to send out gems regularly to monitor them. Though she seems like a blowhard she genuinely enjoys being an authoritarian military commander. She wouldn’t trade her position for anything else. Yellow Diamond also takes in Jasper after Pink Diamond dies because Jasper’s a soldier. Blue Diamond is the political diplomat that tries to act centrist to make herself seem more emotionally sophisticated to a dangerous fault. When she’s in court sessions she’s harsh and unforgiving with her subjects always. Blue Diamond only shows a bit of lenience to the upper class lower gems. Mainly to make sure to uphold the false idea they’ve made that upper class gems have any power. But aside how mindlessly horrible she seems, she’s a master manipulator. Blue Diamond’s favorite weapon is guilt tripping people into thinking she’s the victim. It’s how she easily gets so many gems to her side. Like in canon she’s obsessed with Pink Diamond but it’s NOT portrayed as a romance to any degree. Pink Diamond is the youngest and last Diamond. Only sadly for the other Diamonds and their still brainwashed slaves, she was the first to die. Though she doesn’t look it, she’s the most violent out of all the Diamonds. In fact that could even be said to be apart of her methods of keeping her subjects in check. She acts like a sugary sweet princess when things are going her way but when they’re not she acts like the christianized version of Satan. The main thing she handles in the Homeworld caste system is adapting their new colonies. She embodies the part of politics that intentionally offensively alters another civilization’s culture. Pink Diamond loves to manipulate her fellow colleague Blue Diamond the most. She sees life as a game and everyone beneath her as toys that can just be tossed away when she breaks them too much. She was the one who came up with the idea of harvesting. Mainly for when even when she learns some of her gems are defective she’s not bored of playing with them yet.. She’ll be portrayed as a deliberate foil to Nora’s optimistic and friendly personality. What happens when you take those traits that could be otherwise good but use them for evli. The parallels between them won’t be used to show Pink is “redeemable” but to show the lesson that just cuz someone is friendly doesn’t mean they’re not abusive. What’s funny is that in terms of design concept her appearance is very similar to what Becky ended up going with for pre evil Spinel. Def not saying Becky was intentionally copying me there though. Just a really weird coincidence. This is everything I feel like sharing about the Diamonds in my AU so far. The post has already gotten pretty long. Feedback is welcome so long as it’s not feedback of people being butthurt that i’m not fixing the Diamond redemption. There’s so many other AU’s to go to that cater to the Diamond redemption. Go to those if you wanna see that so badly.

#su critical #su au #crystal rebel nora au #crn su au #abuse tw #implied child abuse tw #slavery tw

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wtfzodiacsigns · 6 years ago

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The Signs as People I've Come To Know

Note that everyone described was born under the sign they are listed next to.

Aries: He doesn't really know fear, but when he does it's intense fear. More than anything, he is a daredevil, going from place to place and from person to person quickly and dangerously. He tells jokes until they're soiled and sour and you just wanna tell him to shut up, but you know you aren't going to because his stupid jokes that often make no sense and aren't even funny are all a part of what makes him who he is, so you can't help but laugh, and at the end of the day that's a person you find yourself always coming back for. A person you just genuinely want to be around for a long time. He can be air headed, but he protects ferociously and is endearingly kind to strangers. Inside, he never quite lost his childlike nature, something I hope he can one day embrace. I also hope he can one day understand, he is not his mistakes.

Taurus: She has a lot to say that she keeps inside, but whenever she does speak it is always soulful and insightful beyond description. It's so easy for her to get lost in her own mind, and though she doesn't care to admit it, it happens a lot that she shuts down and isolates herself. But everything is honestly better when she's around. Sometimes it's hard to convince her of that, but she has an inner and outer beauty that glows on everyone she meets. She doesn't realize other people take notice of her radiance. When she retreats, it's not uncommon for her to be quiet and not really know how to explain why she's feeling the way she is, and yet she approaches things with such an extreme level of insight and consideration. She makes everyone around her proud. Introverted as she may be, she pampers all her friends, even when they may not deserve it, and she's more brave and outspoken than I think she understands. She is one of the people who genuinely makes me happy.

Gemini: She is curious about almost anything and everything, and invests fully into things that interest her. It's actually beyond pleasant to watch her work out a task she loves working on, or talk about anything she loves in general, because her eyes light up and she has this smile on her face and you can just tell in that moment she loves being heard and she loves sharing what she's come to find wonderful with someone. I wouldn't call her quiet, at times she is, but I would first use the adjective "thoughtful" to describe her, as her mind is constantly generating new ideas. She processes and remembers information quickly and speaks about her feelings almost fluently. More than anything, I hope she knows I am always there for her. I hope she knows how much people love her. She is so kind, and a delight to be around.

Cancer: She has been through a lot. She used to walk through life with a heavy heart, but she is trying to learn how to remove the crutches and take everything as it comes. Very driven by her emotions, she experiences drastically different periods of highs and lows, but never lets anyone go to bed without knowing how much she loves them and cares about them. She has certainly been done wrong by the world, and this has led her to experience frequent trust issues and to on occasion become suspicious about other people's motives. However, this doesn't stop her from giving her all to those she loves, even if at times they may not completely deserve her help or her advice. She often settles for less than what she deserves, but I hope that she can eventually come to understand she need not settle and need not cater to people who do her wrong. She should look out for herself too, it's something she owes herself.

Leo: Though I haven't known her for very long, it's clear how influential she is and how in tune she is to other people's feelings. She seems very open to the world around her, and has no problem expressing herself without fear of what other people may think. She always does her makeup almost flawlessly, and you can tell she dresses for herself and no one else, and only worries about impressing one person, her. She is extremely loyal to those she cares about, and often talks about them as if they are wonders of the world. Even if you haven't spoken to her before, you will want to, because she gives off extremely positive and warm vibes, and publicly stands for everything and everyone she happens to believe in. She has a big personality, but a beautiful one at that, she is a true individual, and is one of the only other Leo's I've come to know, as well as one I hope to know better soon.

Virgo: She is wise beyond her years. She often works harder than most adults I've seen, although she is young in age. She always wants to make sure she has a say, but it's just as important to her that other people do, too. Other people don't always treat her as nicely as she deserves to be treated, and it's because they think they don't understand her, but in reality, they wish they had the heart and bravery that she does. She has accomplished and been through so much in such a short period of time, and she never let it taint all the love in her heart. She can be a bit anxious and scared, waking up at night after a nightmare or worrying she has not done her best, but she always gives her all, and I strongly believe there is nothing she cannot surmount or accomplish. Always willing, always eager to help. I wish I had her strength. I wish I had the beauty of her soul. I hope she someday sees how magnificent she is.

Libra: He is a character, he has always been a character dating back from the first day that we met. Everything he does and everything he says is with good intent and magnifies his already vibrant personality. Overall, he is a people's person, friends with everyone who is kind and attentive toward him. And he plans to keep it that way. He always tries to see the best in everyone. Although sometimes he cannot continue this and experiences outbursts of anger, they are usually temporary and he can move on from situations quickly. He is a marvelous friend. Creative, funny, often indirect, but always there in some form. Half the things that Come out of his mouth are jokes, but when he speaks and he's being serious, all you can hear is his heart speaking too. He's great to have around.

Scorpio: He says that he has a twisted mind, but really he's just into a lot of horror movies and has extreme reactions to otherwise small situations. I couldn't see him harming a fly, unless the fly went and did something to really piss him off. He can be a little self centered, but he is also self sufficient and just wants to make sure he himself is okay. When he starts something, it'll get done before he moves onto the next thing, and he's not really one to leave anyone with unanswered questions as he's pretty intense and direct. He's great to talk to because no silence is ever awkward, some of those silences are necessary and he knows it. He won't let things stay quiet for too long, either. One of my favorite things about him is once you've been a part of his life, he'll never forget about you. Even if you're miles and miles away.

Sagittarius: He gets extremely excited about small things, like going on a trip or hanging out with his friends and playing video games. He knows no part of life is insignificant, and that everything we go through either means something or leads to something else, but he also knows when to let go and stop worrying about things that are out of his control. Overall, he loves to have fun. He loves to laugh with his friends and share what makes him happy. When people disagree with him, he can become rather snippy, and might even resort to telling them they are flat out "wrong." He doesn't realize he's being rude, but often it just doesn't come out the way he would like because he speaks exceedingly freely. That's what he is, a free spirit. He makes decisions for himself and is not afraid of his opinions. He will share them willingly with anyone who asks and takes great pride in being who he is and leading the adventure called his life.

Capricorn: She is aware of who she is, what her limits are, and what her intentions are as well. Though sometimes she surprises others by acting the way one wouldn't have expected, she is consistently trying to take responsibility for things she know she's done wrong and does not like it when people refuse to acknowledge it when she has been acting like a fool. She holds herself accountable for many things, even when they are not exactly her fault, and she refuses to be kept in the dark for too long. When people don't like her, she wants an explanation, because she always tries to do her best and be the best version of herself she can become. It hurts her to consider that she is not doing well with that. She wants stability and security, she wants to be able to feel safe in situations, and that's all a part of what she fights for. Overall, life is a fight she does not want to lose. And one she will not allow herself to.

Aquarius: She is one of the most artistic people I've had the privilege of meeting, and decorates everywhere she goes and everything she creates with her glowingly positive vibes. She cares deeply about her friends, and however quiet she has a brilliant way of words, and is a phenomenal person to have a late night (or any time of day really) conversation with. She understands life on a deep level that not a lot of people do. Although she may not always feel comfortable completely showing her emotions, she is not afraid to be in touch with them and always knows how to nicely phrase them. I'm grateful that when I ask her what's wrong, she doesn't lie to me and she trusts me enough to talk to me about it. I know it's not always the type of thing that's easy for her. She is artistically talented in every aspect, and aims to perfect her performance in all she does. But honestly, the way she adds her own flair to all she accomplishes and makes it so original is an amazing thing to witness in itself.

Pisces: He doesn't understand the impact he can have on others. It is not uncommon for him to get so lost in his thoughts he forgets about the rest of the world, but he seemingly always finds his way back. Whenever he drifts, he will usually talk about it at one point or another, and he always has all these philosophical things to say that never cease to amaze me. His speech is always sweet and fluid, and he always sees things, both their interior and their exterior. Even though sometimes he asks silly questions, he's highly perceptive and caring. He loves having a good time, but he loves talking about life and all it entails as well, and he knows that both those things can overlap. He's one of the greatest friends I think I will ever know, and he always tries to be, even if at times he can't. I wish he came out everyday.

Source:avenge-my-ghost

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deereelis · 5 years ago

Text

RE-CALIBRATING...

Written June 11, 2019

Transcript:

Good Morning sunshines, thank you all for being here today. I’d like to start by acknowledging all of you for being here at this moment, friends, family, colleagues, ex-boyfriends, ex-PO’s, teachers, my esteemed spirit community but most importantly... my long lists of partners in crime. My partner whom I share with spirit, my other partner who I share with in love, My other partner whom I share with in laughter, my other partner whom I share with in art and my favorite partner of all: the one whom we shared a body: my seed, my love my utter joy, my mini-goddess... mi hija.

I invited you all here today because I’ve got a little bit of bad news & rather than go and send this many individual text messages, I decided to do it the ‘old-fashioned way’ & make a video on you tube.

Speech: I gathered you all here today to hold myself accountable and apologize to all the men & women I’ve disappointed. I recognize that I have not been the easiest person to deal with and for that, I am sorry. I also recognize that sometimes my snarky remarks, smug face, and my ability to lift your mistakes and downplay my errors can be provoking. Maybe those provocations have led to you wishing bad things for me, saying mean things to me and hoping I would disappear. Maybe you tried to make me disappear, maybe you threatened me, poked me, put yours hands on me, raised your voice, maybe you tried to smear me. Or maybe, you just didn’t say anything when you saw others express meanness toward me. Either way, I wanted to apologize to all of you whom I triggered or offended to the point that you felt uncomfortable.

I accompany your sentiment of discomfort. I too feel extremely uneasy that I exist in a world where we could treat one another so poorly. I have been treated like crap and I have treated others like crap and I regret it, I do. I am by far not a saint, though every day I try to be better than the day before. My life has given me the most unique of perspectives & I’ve learned to embrace them all. Every memory has contributed to the person that I am and who I strive to be and for that I am eternally grateful. The ability to have such vast life experiences that it allows you to connect with people genuinely through love is one of the many blessings of my life. It’s been a long journey and I still have a ways to go. As a child, I chuckled when I saw 2 men kiss; because that's what I knew to be humor. These days, I feel ‘love’... so deeply inside... it overcomes what the eyes can see and what the mind perceives. Sometimes I roll my eyes or make fun of people when they say foolish things, because that’s what I know to be humor; but I want to work on my humor not being at the expense of possibly shaming an individual. Though shame can build character, it’s not my place to build outside of my temple.

I want to free my mind of colonialism.

I want to be in the business of building others and not contribute to their stress. If my humor comes at the expense of picking another apart or using my words as venom to your spirit; no lifting can occur if I am pulling you down.

I want to free my mind of colonialism.

Far from perfect as I am, I live in a home where individuality and creativity is encouraged. I come from a long, deep lineage of strong Puerto Rican matriarchs & the warriors that lift us. In my community we hold up our men and our men hold us up. I have been lifted and supported through the grimiest seasons, by the most masculine of gods.

I try not to make plans too far in advance, because while I may enjoy drinking wine & sitting by a fire right now; in a couple of weeks I may not want to toxify my liver and would rather meditate by a lake. I am constantly changing, and more times than not- am barely recognizable, even to myself.

As many know, I ran for local office for the first time in 2015, because I was tired of challenging a non-inclusive system whose representatives didn’t feel they needed to respond to people like me. So I ran and I won. It’s been an amazing run and there’s nothing I love more than being able to sit at decision-making tables on behalf of folks who don’t typically have a voice: (My identities: disabled, woman, MOM, less-affluent, of Puerto-Rican heritage, reformed hood-rat, Goddess, Artist)

But the truth is, the system needs WD-40 because it is rusty and it has creaky ankles. This structure is set with such rigidity that any attempt to change anything would create such a significant shift in a cycle that’s perpetuated convenient chaos for years. I have had many heated one-sided conversations with humans of the male persuasion who believed that disagreeing on a vote was grounds to threaten, disrespect, or slander another. (Let’s hold this thought)

For the past few years, I have been on a spiritual journey that has intensified deeply in the past few months. Everything I’ve known to be true and my life as I knew it, was no longer. It wasn’t that I stopped loving those whom I’d chosen to build a life with. It was that, the way I was showing up for them, wasn't conducive with my best self (or who I believe her to be). In fact, recognizing that lacking self-love for so many years, created a falsehood of sorts, I had to re-evaluate EVERYTHING. How could I fully love my husband, if I hadn’t learned how to love me yet? What was I teaching my daughter about what love and relationships are through my actions? How could I ensure that my judgmental or critique didn’t make her self-aware or insecure? How can I create space for her to be her fullest self without inflicting my conditions? How can I be a better daughter, sister, mentor- without being a better individual, first? How could I fix my life when I’m so stuck in the hamster wheel of cycle of life to stop & actually fix it?

So I worked at being better. I woke up early to watch sunrises, sunsets, I’ve written, I’ve meditated, traveled, spent time in nature, be mindful of how I eat, reading, called old friends, spoke my truths, participated in ceremony and began to exhibit this beautiful thing called unconditional love within friends and friends of friends. Through this healing community of love, I made new connections with people with similar interests. The question remained, how do I maintain these newfound relationships when I still haven’t figured out how to maintain my nucleus, myself? And who was she anyway? (Let’s hold this thought)

I’ve been in conversation with friends where we project our insecurities onto each other. You accept it because as the more ‘enlightened one’ you see the bigger picture and respect their process? When family begins to ‘judge’ you; ‘resent’ you; and loved ones want to attempt to ‘compete’ with you; you tolerate it because you know that they must be going through something and it will eventually work itself out. When people who were once supporters begin to attack you, and ‘agreeing to disagree’ is no longer a viable option, but you accept it because you accept it as part of the ‘game’ you signed up for. (Let’s hold this thought)

When death, abuse, disease and long held traumas begin to peer their ugly heads to remind you of your limited time on this plane. When you see loved ones suffering, homeless, sick, dying, abused, children left with no parents. When you know your love is vast but your resources aren’t. When you stretch yourself so thin that you no longer respond to emails, phone calls at the pace you once did. There were activities that I once was so excited for that no longer resonate for me, because of my constant evolution. It seemed like a great idea in January, but NO, I am no longer interested in going to that concert. Yes, the book seemed like a great idea a month ago, but I rather read something pertaining to astrology or genetically modified foods. I am a constant, ever-changing soul that has found her way and unfortunately it is NOT the way in which people know or remember me. I am not sorry for what this loss means for you. For to know me is to know how I’ve struggled and to know those struggles, only an enemy couldn’t find joy in my growth.

You see, I am holding myself to a higher standard. I want to ALWAYS see the humanity in folks and am committed to treating everyone I come in contact with, with full-respect and honesty. Mainly, because as long as your heart beats, you remain a wonder and worthy of love. As a steward of love, I accept that calling.. I don’t ask for ANYTHING in return, except mutual respect..

This means that those games of ‘playing victim’ to make me feel bad, the little jabs you take to send a message when you refuse to ‘use your words’ to communicate, those blatant calls and texts of mine you ignore, the ways in which you feel it’s okay to touch me when you’re upset, lie about me, spread rumors about me, threaten me; if it isn’t centered in love & growth; I NO LONGER speak that language. So you can go fly a kite and go fu&k yourself with all that negative self-talk. I can’t keep holding space for all those thoughts without it depleting me.

You see, with all due respect: colleagues, family, friends, husband, daughter, soul mates: we all have a lot of work to do. I won’t ever sit here and pretend to be healed because I’ve got a long way to go before I even scratch the surface of progress. But, I can recognize that I haven’t been living up to the standard in which I know I’m capable of and want to strive to be better. You can come with me for the ride of growth or you can stay where we’ve been. I will love you anyway, but for me- settling in the same ol’ same ol’ is NO LONGER a path I’m willing to travel. I want to be better. I will be better. I don’t mean better THAN you, I mean better than I have been to myself and to others.

I scheduled a trip for my spirit in the first week in July where I’ll be traveling alone to New Orleans. While down there, I will be attending a concert of soul music and only invited my best friends for the concert ONLY. The rest of the week is to nurture my soul, sit with myself and just be. I have a lot of releasing to do of the many ways I’ve absorbed other people’s toxic behaviors towards me and in the ways I’ve internalized and perpetuated those vicious cycles. I also have a lot of forgiving to do: of myself & those who’ve demonstrated remorse.

Being a City Councilor while on this spiritual path has been the most exhausting time of my life. Holding space for others and not having a place to release those holdings has been tiring. Having people tell me I’m a diamond, yet ignore and disregard me like rubbish, is brutal. But what is even more brutal than someone who dares mistreat the Goddess is that their view of whether I am rubbish or a diamond are irrelevant; what matters is that I KNOW I’m a diamond & never settle for less-than diamond treatment.

This diamond has been in the rough & as she buffs herself to shine; she hopes you do the same. So we can all shine together.

For those that feel discomfort of my shine; it isn’t your decision to make.

Blessed be, beloveds.

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