#she could never stand alone
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Azula would have lost the Final Agni Kai no matter what. Here's why:
Azula is insecure. That's why she takes cheap shots. She did it with Katara, and she did it with Aang in CoD, AND she did it with Iroh striking him with lightning. One could even argue that her behavior in CoD foreshadows some of what happens in the Agni Kai, where in CoD, Katara fights Azula, and Zuko saves her, whereas in the Final Agni Kai, Zuko fights Azula and saves Katara. It's a little mismatch of dynamics.
Azula cheating (constantly), is a staple of dishonorable behavior, which I think is interesting.
We see her "play with her food" like a cat, with the Dai Lee and other opponents she encounters. She tricks them and manipulates them and there's no threat. Killing Aang with lightning was SUPREMELY stupid on her part, and she wouldn't have done it unless she was cornered. She didn't even stick around to make sure he was dead or have any of them followed-- because she was scared. Zuko NEVER flees in fights out of fear. He doubles down like a lunatic and tries to get himself killed instead. Azula is not willing to risk her life, and that's why she's a worse fighter. The insecurity gets to her head and she psychs herself out
Azula has a lot of fire power (lol), but Zuko has the heart and commitment to see actions through to the end. That's why he would have won, had Azula not cheated.
By the end, they were evenly matched in firepower anyway. They did the Raging Line of Flames Competing Colors thing and met in the middle, and stayed there. That's how animation tells us about their ability.
Azula's seat of power in her firebending is spite and fear. She's not even mad, bro.
Zuko's seat of power, at the end, is light and life and love. One is a powder keg that runs out after you blow it up once, and the other is like an oil fire in a parking lot. There's essentially infinite fuel there.
Zuko would have certainly outlasted her. And did, if you think about it. Because she panicked.
Azula's entire persona is a mask, just as Zuko's bravado and pettiness in the first season was a mask. (Funny, that he can only be himself when he's hidden the scar with the blue spirit mask, therefore freeing himself of the shame and the mark that brands him as a villain)
They show us that Azula's mask is not only slipping, but cracking, crumbling in the mirror scene. That's why it's there: to show the audience that all of her running has finally caught up with her.
This world that Azula created has been a sham from the beginning. Castles in the sky to make up for what she lacks: love.
Which is why she would never win against Zuko if they both reached their full potential, as they did during the comet.
#zuko#azula#this is to address some 'zuko is a worse firebender at the end still and never mastered firebending because azula js more powerful than him'#nonesense that we are seeing in the azula stan tumblr rabbit hole#y'all lost the plot fellas#azula is a tragic heroine or whatever in your hc but she's really just a sympathetic villain destined to fail from the beginning#her foundations are shit#she's completely unsustainable and working on borrowed time#and SHE KNOWS IT#because her worth is rooted in the percieved approval of her father#she could never stand alone#azula critical#i wont say it's an anti post because its not#its just analysis and thoughts and if that bothers you get off the internet and read a book thanks#atla#AT:LA#avatar the last airbender
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do you think fourteen has a breakdown one day about just how much time with donna he lost. it was that easy, the whole time, for the metacrisis issue to be resolved, and instead of him ever figuring that out, he lost years and years of a life he could have had with her. he stood on the outskirts of her wedding. he wasn’t there when she was pregnant with rose and wasn’t there when she had her. he wasn’t there for a thousand little moments where he could have made her laugh. every time she looked for him without remembering who she was looking for could have been a time he was standing next to her. and he’s never going to get that back. time machine at his fingertips and yet somehow the one thing he never has enough of is time.
#it’d make him more grateful that he came home to her in the end but god. god.#and its not a long amount of time. not to someone like him. but at the same time. isnt it.#isnt every second that he could have had and never will get the chance to an loss so infinite that he cant stand it#its not that donna was alone without him. its not that she had no one else there to support her.#but he couldnt be there.#‘you were okay without me’ is such cold comfort when he could have been a part of her life. she could have been okay *with* him.#sorry im losing my mind over how much they both lost and how theyll have to live with that and move on from it and take what they have#and hold onto it so tightly#doctor who#fourteenth doctor#donna noble
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so pleased with my growing collection of secondhand, very well loved agatha christie books 📚
#studyspo#studyblr#bookblr#books#problematicprocrastinator#myhoneststudyblr#notebookist#agatha christie is my go to author for whenever i need something comforting but still stimulating enough to keep me hooked#and she has never let me down#i've actually read all her poirot books and am slowly making my way through her miss marple ones#as well as the other stand alone novels 🤓#could not love her books more <333#mine
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Doctor Who "The Giggle" spoilers
It took 15 years but finally, finally, the awful pain inflicted by DW s4x13 "Journey's End" was healed in my fangirl heart. I'm not even saying that facetiously, my friends. Donna's ending in s4 hurt. The fact that here in the year 2023, Donna not only got her memory back, but she got the Doctor back? And the Doctor finally stopped running? And he found a home, found a family, and it's with Donna?
I can hardly believe it.
It took so very long but they got the happy ending they were denied back in 2008. I can't even tell you how happy I am right now. 🤗💖
#doctor who#doctor who spoilers#dw spoilers#spoilers#okay yeah if you knew me in my dw days then you know i'm a ten x donna shipper#but this ending is just SO much better than how they were left previously#i don't even care that it wasn't left as them in a romantic relationship#he's HAPPY#she's HAPPY#they're together#they have a family#they love each other#that's just so much more than we had previously#her without her memory sent back to how she was when we first met her#him standing in the rain running away alone yet again#and then look at them now#this was a gift i never expected#i honestly thought he'd just regenerate and she's go off with her family and that was as 'happy' as we could expect#but they're together and they're happy and i just appreciate that so very much#my bbs are happy#i'm so glad#i wish i could let 2008!me know that they were actually going to fix it in canon#i would've never believed it#ageless aislynn
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Mój przyjaciel. Co oznacza 17? Prześladują mnie twoje przypadkowe bazgroły. Czy ktoś... był z nią "romantyczny"?
answering this in english since it touches on the Janka lore 💥💥💥
although the comic idea was there more for the laughs, there's a significant difference between Giewont and Janka when it comes to relationships with people. The first one used to be a hard worker but got betrayed by humanity. They're wandering around, with no place on this earth, scared of what being around people will do to her. Forming meaningful connection is hard and they're not even sure if they really want to do that.
on the other hand we have Janka, designed to look nice, to be amiable. she's always there to listen. she knows your favourite songs and brightens your day. she can't leave you unless you get rid of her yourself!
i think it's an idea that would need some more exploration. people who are lost or lonely or angry or searching for whatever feeling they need in their life try to find a thing to bestow those feelings upon. and sometimes it ended up being Janka. whether or not the feeling was reciprocated or not, or if they've seen her as an object or as a person - that's a question for another time
#i was thinking about what may happened with some of the people she was close with#since she communicated in songs i imagine a scenario where she met a singer who was eager to write songs for her she could use to speak#simple phrases incomporated into lyrics like 'i love you' 'i miss you' 'please stay a bit longer'#but after a while she noticed some phrases were missing. there was never a 'you've hurt me“ but an ”i'm sorry you had to do that“#“you're to good for me to be true” instead of “you never treat me like a person”#“i can't stand a moment without you” instead of “please leave me alone”#the singer may have proclaimed love but did they really love Janka or just the adorations parroted back to them in their own voice?#amazing how you can make others bend to your will when you're the one writing the script they have to follow. but is it love? is it?#yeah sorry i got carried away. also sorry for responding so late i was out of town 😔🙏#Janka and her 7 evil exes (and 10 normal ones too. i guess.)#janka spg#giewont spg#(making a wild appearance)#asks
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🐇☀️☁️🍦
#im glad i went today to hang out with my friend c:#it was nice to just hang out with another person and talk and stuff#i also just like how considerate she is#and she's accepting and chill. i can like tell her that oh im sorry if im low energy now im just overheated bc of the weather and im feeling#sad. and she'll be like dont worry thats ok! and it also is ok she doesnt get annoyed or anything#plus she doesnt look at me weird when there's awkward pauses and i cant express myself properly lol#i overanalyze too much i know :c but anyway it is always nice talking w her so it was nice today#we walked to a sushi place and then to the library#i only stayed for like 30min at the library even if i wanted to stay longer#i realized that it's bc like she had sushi which gives her energy#but i cant afford to buy things out lol so i never eat and refresh my energy#so after 3hrs i got so low energy and just wanted to go home#i should try to find smth easy and cheap i can bring to snack on so i can stay longer!! T-T ugh.. next time!!#we also met a dog! :o she was just standing alone outside a house and stared at the gate#and we came by she walked up to us and looked at me and was like 'get me inside :)'#so my friend went around the house and the owner came and was like omgggg she ran away again!!!#im glad it was so easy to help the dog bc i could not have left her alone by a street w cars and stuff#but she was so sweet and cute and let me pet her 💗#hmm yeah! then i walked home in the heat that killed me... and now im sitting in front of the fan ^-^#im not cut out for summer!!! anywaysss it was just a nice time#i wish i could've stayed longer. i'll make sure to bring a cheap snack next time so i can hang out more
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I'm about to be so annoying btw
#by this I mean I'm going to talk about my job until it's no longer new and exciting sorry guys#but this is literally the first good thing to happen to me in MONTHS#shit has been so bad like SO unbelievably bad for a WHILE#like. not only do I have a job (!!!!!!) but it actually seems like a really good fit for me and what I need#like. the hours aren't horrible and in fact I could stand to have more of them#the pay isn't *good* but it's not the worst I've ever made for sure#the work environment though... that's where it gets me. because I get to just be one guy in a store interacting with customers and literally#nobody else#for most of my workday#like. no small talk except for with customers. no learning about my coworker's stupid life. no trying to get along with someone for the sake#of work#like. I just get to be alone and sell shit and when it's slow I get to organize shit like. hello??? yes please#I don't have to be micromanaged because I'm literally alone. like. god I'm so excited#plus it's similar to work I've done before. so. yay#I do really like the coworker I've met before though. he's very sedate and has excellent customer service.#which I know bc every time my mom shops there and he's the one working he's very genial and nice#definitely good at his job. but I wouldn't be surprised if he was getting high in the back or something lmao#he's just so calm ive never met a dude more chill like. he seems like the exact opposite of anxious#and then my other coworker I haven't met yet but I'm sure she's fine.#I do like my boss though! and she's only my boss until they get another manager bc she's actually the manager at another location too#she's just filling in here while they look for another manager#but I like her she was extremely up-front and no-nonsense and plainly stated exactly what she needs from an employer#employee*#which is honestly such a relief like my last job I felt like I had no clue what people wanted from me and it was horrible#but this seems better so far#also I know for a fact I beat out two other people who had interviews the same day and I was so much the preferred choice#that she didn't even wait to decide or anything#she called me like a few hours after my interview ended like. that 3rd person left and she immediately hired me instead lol#which I have to admit does feel good after so long feeling inadequate and unhirable.#I am more hirable than at least two people. so THERE
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mcu wend–[gunshots] bu-[knife slashing]
I can't take people who calls mcu Wanda...."Wendy" seriously...like come on it's 2024 and almost 2025..I thought we leave that shit in 2021😭
#mcu Wanda is a freaky ahh white girl..yes i know yes she's a terrible white woman i know i know that's still my blorbo#i will die defending her ong😭(what happened to the class cieric?)#can't even stand to read or hear the name “wendy” i am traumatized [ww2 shell shocked soldier meme]#“wendy–”HER NAME IS WANDA MAXIMOFF! SHE'S A VARIANT OF EARTH 616 WANDA DJANGO MAXIMOFF#yes i am obsess with probably one of the terrible adaption of Wanda...yes i am not ashamed she's my own personal Jesus#am i pathetic? yes...is she also pathetic? yes... were made for each other 😔✋#oh pathetic white girl were really in it now....aba ginoong maria napupuno ka ng grasya#god lord 2021 - 2022 me was at my strongest...the post-wv discourse is hell but dsmom is literally like fighting satan with a butter knife#mcu Wanda they could NEVER make me hate you☹️#she's just also a Wanda variant y'all...😔✋she ain't doing nothing to the main queen#leave the pathetic white girl alone [me on fighting stance]#god...never have i ever thought i would be going hard for a white girl but here we are#wanda maximoff#idk#txt post
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discussion topic: dean winters comes back to cameo. on a scale of 1 to 10 what is the animosity level btwn brian and elliot
#need to know if i'm alone in thinking that it wouldnt be as explosive as fics make it out to be#terminal svu brainrot#like okay yeah yeah. I Get It. but also.#what reason does elliot have to resent brian other than misplaced self-hatred#assume they see each other. Assume Elliot Knows. yes i imagine he's pissed but is all that anger not directed at himself first#the girlies love a fist fight & okay yeah it Could be fun BUT. is brian not a stand in for himself?#would elliot not be hurting brian in lieu of hurting himself#is brian's hypothetical animosity not born from feeling defensive of LIV#lasting remnants of resentment because HE was there HE was with her at her lowest and he KNEW he wasnt who#she really wanted but he did it anyway because he loved her. he really did love her!#idk. i dont think they'd be friendly exactly#but i struggle to always buy the extreme hostility#like they're meatheads but also they are standing there tense as fuck gritting their teeth trying to rein it in for liv's sake#also cannot believe im saying this but i think there is a level of maturity w brian with this specific issue.#like he lived with elliot as the third person in his relationship the same way kathy lived with olivia as the third to her marriage#this is the man who was THERE who helped clean up her apartment and sat in that court room and told her she was the love#of his life and then followed it with 'you were never going to bear your soul to me'#like. do you get it. or is my memory of 2.0 that poor that i am wildly misreading the sitch
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See the further irony is:
That in using 'Mall Goth Sauron' as the take on Dark Willow over 'misogynist has character randomly killed for LULZ' it also allows for greater accountability on the one hand and for Season 7 to thematically focus on repairing all this damage in the midst of facing an enemy of shadows reliant on lies to further itself. The only way to break the Druj is the absolute Truth in a very Zoroastrian sense. Characters don't get to neatly skip past accountability for their actions, and this would spiral over into further later seasons with the essential reality that in an otherwise lower-level setting this one random girl from California is a Dark Phoenix-tier reality warper and the most powerful person on the planet, or the universe.
And the questions of how that power could and should be employed on the one hand and that Willow is essentially a Doctor Strange type who beats up Gods and Eldritch Abominations for her regular line of work where her counterparts deal with the more 'street level' crises would in turn be the logical conclusion of where the show ends. She doesn't do as much physical fighting for the same reason that Stephen Strange never uses magic to go punch the Hulk in the face, her narrative role is ultimately that of Sorceress Supreme of Earth, with literally nobody in an ancient established war anticipating that this one random ginger from California was and is the new Sorceress Supreme and that if they had had such awareness the realities are that this power would and could have taken worse forms.
Unfortunately for the world, the reality too is that it is a shy computer geek who has a not at all subtle dark side and the usual teenage anxieties and insecurities given the equivalent of being able to reliably actually do things other people might dream of but can never do.
But again as long as Dawn Summers being a good thing is a narrative convention that's established memory magic is a poor choice to show the corrupting effects of reality-warping. It's a case of 'yes as established in canon all of this is true for that one season but then they decided to retcon it, so the fans are not obligated to care about it any more than the canon does about this itself.'
#willow rosenberg#tara maclay#dawn summers#you will never convince me as long as Dawn Summers is a plot device that 'memory magic unforgivable' is anything but bad writing#it was the choice used but there are other equally toxic things that could have been done instead#the basic theme of 'very powerful person decides things for another in an abusive fashion' works just as well without it#Tara's growth arc in refusing to tolerate abuse even from the person who brought her out of her shell can stand perfectly fine#it works even better with a budding Sauron than abruptly deciding 'wholesale memory rewrites good retail unforgivable.'#killing Tara off also denies her any sense of closure or ability to get that closure with the person who does this#the entire element here with the way things went down is bad writing from Point A to point Z#and it's also easily forgotten but Tara wasn't in fact intended to be Willow's love interest#she was replacement Willow for sympathy points#her entire arc as such became Willow X Tara but it was a choice from actor chemistry#So in giving Tara a role besides 'Willow's Girlfriend' it arguably does better by her character#tara x willow#btvs#and yes yes the 'scale changes things' argument is true but only to a point#it's really no different to introduce Dawn than what Willow did#if the retail is wrong so is the wholesale and the decisions to make this that point of no return is an avoidable mistake#plus honestly imagine a Season 7 Tara going 'sweetie no' and a Season 7 Willow dealing with those consequences in real time#equally one can have Tara's cold turkey approach stick exactly as it was#and serve as her role in the time bomb because she's a product of an abusive family and not an infallible moral guide#she rightly sees the problem and at least tries to address it when nobody else did#but unfortunately her solution was pouring gasoline on the fire and then vacating the range where the fire would burn#still further between that and Willow being human enough to resent being told to take that pain and do it going it alone#there'd be plenty of reasons for a surviving Tara and Willow to spend season 7 broken up as is#Tara would not at all be wrong to be wary and not want to touch reformed Sauron with a 400 foot pole#Willow equally would resent someone whose bad advice helped create the problem and who evades any recognition thereof#good old fashioned drama with entirely human motives
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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STOP STOPPP IM SO CONFLICTED OVER WHAT TO SHIP IN THIS DAMN SHOW
#LIKE SHIT. THAT WAS SO CUTE. i was really against v.anijeanne at the start because of how. Weird their dynamic is#plus v.anoe was just so romantically coded i could not read their relationship as anything else#but that scene!!! of vanitas alone and jeanne being the one to come up to him!!!!!! and the HUG AW#and THE CHEEK KISS#i always wince when v.anijeanne have a bloodsucking scene because yeah it's hot but i find that to be the worst part of their dynamic lol#BUT THEN SHE WENT OFF AND VANITAS HELD HIS CHEEK LOOKING ALL DUMBSTRUCK#LIKE THAT WAS GENUINELY SO SWEET I DIED#but then theres v.anoe. who own the entire op and their dynamic is fascinating and i fr think vanitas has a crush on noe that he hasnt#quite figured out yet bc of how closed off his heart is#god. never fucking mind vanitas has two hands he can date both of them#but ARGH!!!! this is like struggling between s.skk and a.tsulucy all over again lol#i like them both but i cant picture atsushi dating both bc i think aku would not be able to stand it#same here. i dont think noe could stand it. especially cause jeanne's mark is on vanitas. i think therell be BIG jealousy issues on his end#sigh. why did i pick the most bisexual anime ever. even IM conflicted and im not vanitas#lena watches vnc
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Orville peck on tour but if I've learned anything about gays and this specific venue it's that I am not gonna see SHIT
#have I told the crj story?? I'm gonna tell it again#my friends who said they'd go canceled on me#and I got high as shit cus I was going alone#and the edible immediately won I had to get off the bus and get a donut so I could stop breathing on manual#I was already late to the show#I missed the opener#and I love empress of#anyways I get there and it's just tall white men as far as the eye can see#I've literally never seen this venue so packed people standing all the way up against the bar#and this is the largest non stadium venue#I start chugging waters cus I cannot let this edible beat my ass like this#I am wearing a mock neck idk why I wanted to be stylish#she finally plays call me maybe and like a fraction of people leave but it's not enough I still cannot see shit#I cannot see the stage at ALLL#she plays my fav song and decide I'm leaving#no signal in this bitch so I have to walk all the way outside to call my friend to pick me up#it's so fucking cold and all I got is a denim jacket and my friend is like 20 minutes out so I just walk west while she drives north#I guess that's the edn of the story it might have been lightly raining but I think it only rained the way there#I spent like 30 minutes at that concert max cus I got so fucking paranoid with that edible#sorry guysss I am not a sativa girl that shit scares mee
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We need better fucking care infrastructure. I should not be trusted with anyone's care ever 💛
#thing is caring for myself? I'm not GREAT at it but i can scrape by#i know my limits i know how much or little i need to survive i know that i can usually more or less bounce back after a tough time#i think if my life fell out from under me i could probably scrape it back even if i wound up doing a lot of couch surfing in the meantime#i genuinely don't know how I'll survive if i have to be fucking sole carer for someone#dad's on his way back now and he's been prescribed antibiotics and hopefully that's that#but at least a couple of times a year there's some shit like this#an awful cough or an infection or a fucking insane choice to like do some diy on the outside of the house standing on the windowsill#he fucking nearly chokes on his food once or twice a week#maybe he's just one of those cockroach type motherfuckers who'll never die no matter how the universe steps on him#but I'm fucking PISSED that he's taking that for granted and won't even sit and fucking talk to me about what happens when his luck runs out#I've been looking after mum alone for what four hours today and I'm already so tired and frustrated i wanna die#i am. a deeply impatient and unsociable creature.#i can be infinitely patient with friends! those are my fave people i chose to have them in my life I'd wait like a fucking mountain for them#mum and i were.... already sort of At Odds before all this started.#i'm the kid she never 100% really wanted and who never really 100% wanted to be here#and now we're stuck together and one day possibly sooner than any of us want it will be. just the two of us.#and i just. i don't know what that looks like. i really don't.#anyway. mental breakdown over hopefullly.#with a bit of luck dad and i actually fucking TALK before the next one#idk man. i never really knew what i wanted to do with my life but i thought I'd have time to figure it out#but maybe I'm just. the unqualified burnout with covid memory damage and a whole ass other human to care for#the exact thing i set out to avoid when i decided never to have kids#anyway. enough oversharing.#thank you anyone who's read my spiralling tag rambles in solidarity i love you#mr. bees speaks
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i like to think apoptosis tries to lie to tenshi but tenshi cares too much & has figured her out pretty well & can see through most of it. i dont have much to support this beyond the fact theyre clearly heavily tied together across their songs.
#actually if im doing any analysis here#the timeline i think is like.#the group decides to go thru with the sacrifice to see if that would 'absolve their sins'#potentially targets apoptosis first as. she doesnt seem to get along with anyone#she doesnt want that obviously so she goes to pin it on someone else#someone else just happens to be tenshi who REALLY does not want the role#the whole lying about doing it for her & then tenshis dont leave me alone could be like.#tenshi gets the role & apoptosis just walks free not really thinking of the consequences#of course then its already getting too late to change anything & tenshi tries to convince herself shes doing the right thing#that her death will matter and maybe at least get them more time or something if not fix the problem#but no!!! it does nothing!!!! & apoptosis has to face that fact!!! that since it wasnt her it was someone she#(refuses to admit she) cares about!!!!!!!#& she cant stand that & suddenly shes in meltdown mode & will do whatever to destroy herself#i dont think its guilt shes dealing with like i genuinely think shes too selfish to feel guilty#kanons the guilty one not apoptosis#apoptosis feels more like. she lost something important & if she cant have it(her) then she doesnt want anything at all#unfortunately as per da rulez her being selfish means she continues to live.#permanent torture of knowing the one solid thing she had she got rid of and will never ever get back#the girlies#thats my current take on the situation#but in general i think those two are closer than either of them will admit
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I keep crying really easily
#just now started crying reading a post on reddit from someone who was talking about the possibility#of reincarnation and i thought about how awful it would be if i killed myself only to get reincarnated and never be able to know my gf#honestly being apart from her is the only reason i fear there being no after life at all#before i met her i thought nothing sounded nice#now i cant stand the thought of not being with her. i guess i didnt care if it was nothing because i always had nothing#but now shes everything#i feel so bad for still being suicidal when i know i have her#i could never leave her here alone... i know that#and yet i still feel like this#im so lucky... so why cant i be grateful#i think i am grateful and its just not enough. everywhere i look it seems no one has enough#it hurts so much. i hate the world for being like this#i hate the people in this world that make it so#i dont know if it would be better to live out of spite and try to help or to give up and leave this world hoping it works out anyways#i dont know how much i can ever do here. especially the way i am now#im too sick to help anybody. im so tired of being like this
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