#she bought me so many small things which just reminded her of me in our absence

[a-dash-in-the-middle]

what if i-

best friend clears her whole schedule before she even reads where

-Love is your second nature, love is your language. Love! or whatever that one uquiz said about me

[sturniqlo]

We Make Three- M.S

summary: the day stepdad!matt gets called 'dad' by y/n's son for the first time after two years. (a little extra something at the end)

cw: slight cursing, bit of angst, fluff, mentions of a toxic relationship and slight mention of abortion

an: thank you to this anon for the wonderful idea, i've never seen any fics about this so i decided to go with it. don't forget my inbox is always open | reminder: if this isn't your cup of tea you don't have to read it, i have many other fics :)

masterlist

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It's been two years since both Matt and Y/n have started dating. Despite her having a son, Matt wanted her either way. He's seen little Cameron go from an almost three year old toddler to a five year old child. Cameron had always wanted a dad ever since he started to understand the idea of a father when he would watch his cartoons at the age of three.

He would mention it from time to time to Y/n and she had to explain to him why he didn't have a father. However, she gave him the simplified version. Something an almost three year old would understand.

"Well- listen baby, you do have a father he just- he wasn't ready to be a daddy, okay?" She stroked his cheek. "But we don't need someone else, right? We have each other. Always, we'll always have each other."

That night, she cried herself to sleep, cursing her baby daddy hoping he could hear her wherever the hell he was. Cursing him for being the reason why she had to tell her son why his deadbeat of dad isn't around, leaving out the disgusting parts of him trying to force her to get an abortion, manipulating her that if she didn't get it he would leave her and never contact her again, not wanting a relationship with her or that thing, is what he referred to the unborn child.

Accusing her of cheating on him, implying that that baby wasn't his. She would never do such a thing! She was only nineteen at the time, she knew right from wrong. She soon realized he was self reflecting and he was the one cheating.

Thankfully, there was a light at the end of the tunnel and she met Matt, the love of her life, almost three years later.

"Hey, Matt. Is it okay if I run to the store really quickly? I need to get an ingredient for tonight's dinner." Y/n runs into the living room where her two favorite boys are on the race car track carpet playing with toy cars. "Of course, me and Cam will be here playing." He pauses from crashing the little red car into Cameron's blue one.

"Anything you two want from the store?" She asks. "Mm, I think we need a restock on ice cream." Matt says, looking at Cam who is suspiciously smiling. "We might've ate the last bit late last night when we were supposed to be sleeping." He refers to him and Cam. "Oh gosh, okay. I'll be back in no time." She rounds the couch and leans down to kiss Cameron's curls and pecks Matt on the lips. "Bye, Mommy!"

"Okay, where were we?" Matt says looking back at Cameron. "We were about to crash our cars." Cam lifts up his blue hot wheel before placing it back down. "Oh yeah, well- boom!" Matt crashes the mini car into the blue one. "Noo, now the car is on fire!" They continue playing for about five more minutes before Cameron gets bored of it.

"Let's play something else." He packs up the many toy cars into their designated container. "Here, let me help you with that, bud." Matt picks up the slightly heavy container due to the excessive amount of toy cars Matt has bought him (he received a small scolding from y/n).

Cameron leads both of them to his bedroom which is right next to the living room. Matt, his hands full with the container and the rolled up small carpet, sets them down in their designated spot. "Remember this!" Cam picks up an old stuffed animal. "How could I not! I remember when we first hung out, I bought this for you." Matt recalls the day, remembering it as if it was yesterday. Although he had met him before Y/n and him were a thing. He had never hung out with him until a month in their relationship.

Matt was eager to meet him officially and not it being just a run in. He wanted to form bond with him considering the fact that he saw a long life future with Y/n. "Don't be nervous, he's a toddler, Matt." Y/n said over the phone. "I know, I know, it just makes us feel more official you know? And I want it to be perfect." He said as he drove to her house. "I promise he's going to like you." Ten minutes later, Matt arrived and he met Cameron officially.

Even though he was still two, he loved to play and he was forming mini sentences here and there. Both him and Matt were playing when Matt remembered he had brought something for him. "Look, I got this for you. It's a pug." Cam immediately grabbed it and smiled at it. "You!" He said. A couple of weeks earlier, Y/n had mentioned how Cameron had a difficult time saying the word 'thank' and said you as a form of thank you. "You're very welcome."

"You know, you had some trouble saying 'thank you' wanna know how you said thank you instead?" Matt sat next to Cam. "What?" He looks up at Matt. "You." He giggles. "You?" Cam says confusingly. "Yea, you would say you."

"Thank you. I'll tell you now that I can say it." Cam says. "You're welcome." Matt loved moments like this when it's just the two of them. As much as he loved moment with Y/n and Cam together, he loved bonding with him one on one. It made it almost like a father and son bond. Cam has yet to call Matt, dad. Y/n and Matt had talked about it, whether Matt would be okay with it or not. And, he was more than okay with it. In all honesty, Y/n saw Matt as Cameron's dad and Matt also saw himself as Cams dad as well.

However, Matt decided it was best to not mention it to Cameron as he thought they would be pushing the idea onto him and he didn't want it to seem like that. He wanted Cameron to do it whenever he wanted to. And Y/n agreed with Matt's idea.

"Can we go to the park tomorrow? It's Saturday and I have no school." Cameron says, putting the stuffed pug back on his bed. "We can, we'll just have to ask Mom and see if she's okay with it." He nods. "Can I tell you something?" He almost whispers, as if what he's about to say is a secret. "Anything." Matt nods. "All of my friends at school make fun of me for not having a dad, and I want to tell them about you because I think you're my dad but, what if you think you're not my dad? Or- or what if mommy doesn't let me call you that." Cameron looks into Matt's eyes with a sad expression on his face.

"I like to think I'm your dad. Always have and always will, okay? You can call me whatever you want. You can still call me Matt or you can call me dad. And your mommy will one hundred percent let you call me dad, I promise you. And don't listen to your friends, alright? They don't know what they're talking about." Matt wipes Cameron's tear that has silently slipped down his cheek. "Okay... Dad."

When Y/n arrived back from the store, she quickly got started on dinner, realizing she was making dinner a bit late than usual. Matt excused himself from Cam as they were watching a movie cuddled up on the couch when Y/n got home. He spotted her in front of the stove mixing tonight's dinner.

Matt wrapped his arms around her waist and placed a small kiss on her shoulder making her jump a bit but soon relaxed into his touch. "Hi, baby." She says. "Hi, you'll never guess what happened when you were gone." Matt says excitedly. "What happened?"

She lets the food sit above the heat and turns around to face him, moving away from the stove. "Cam called me dad." Y/n gasps, knowing how much Matt has been waiting for this moment. "Really?! How- how did it happen, oh my gosh." She laughs happily. Matt tells her the whole story that happened a few moments ago and she couldn't be happier but a bit upset at the fact that he was getting made fun of. "How are you feeling about it? Know you've been wanting this." She fixes his hair a bit. "I'm over the moon, he's called me dad about three more times now and it still feels like the first time."

Over the next few days, Cam can't stop saying dad and the end of every sentence while talking to Matt. And Matt can't complain, he loves it. The following Friday, Nick and Chris wanted to hangout with both Matt and Cameron so they set up a 'boys day' is what Y/n liked to call it so it stuck between all of them. Nick and Chris have hung out with Cam many many times, they've even babysat him a handful of times. And he refers to them as Uncle Nick and Uncle Chris and they were more than okay with it. They loved it actually.

The first thing on their 'boys day' list was go out for ice cream, per Chris' request. "Hey, dad. Can I get that cone?" Cam points to the cone with sprinkles. "Of course." He looks at Nick and Chris whose eyes are widened and a smile is across their lips. They also knew how much Matt has been waiting for that and they were happy for his brother. Matt only smiles and nods at them.

"Come on, Dad! We're next!"

!EXTRA!

three years later

A lot has happened in the last three years. Matt had proposed to Y/n on their third year anniversary with the blessing from both her father, her two brothers, and of course Cameron. For the proposal, he wanted Cameron to be apart of it. And it turned out perfect. Matt had went out and bought lettered balloons and decorated the backyard while Y/n was out with her sister and mom doing some shopping.

He bought many bouquets of her favorite flowers and had Cameron help him rip the petals out and sprinkle them across the backyard and a bit in the house. "You think she'll like it?" Matt asked Cam. "Yes!" When she returned home, Cameron led her to the backyard and the rest was a wonderful memory.

The year after they got engaged, they got married. Y/n had finally gotten the wedding of her dreams. Her dress, her veil, her bouquet, the venue, everything. Cameron and Y/n's dad walked her down the aisle and Cam was of course the ring barrier and handed the rings to both his mom and dad. The vows made each other cry and all of the guests shed a tear or two. Matt had made a special speech for Cam and he couldn't get through it without a crack in his voice.

After the wedding, they went on their honeymoon and nine months later, a baby girl was born. It was a couple of months later and it was now Matt's birthday.

They decided to stay in for breakfast and lunch and later in the day they would meet up with his brothers and go out to dinner with the whole family. When they returned home, it was nearing nine pm and Y/n put the baby down to sleep while Matt was helping Cameron with some last minute math homework. Y/n soon came down and made herself known. "Cam, do you wanna give your dad his last birthday present from you?" She said, holding something being her back. "Oh! Yeah, I do!" Cam put the pencil down and ran over to his mom. "Close your eyes, Dad." He said. "They're closed."

Ever since his baby sister was born, Cam realized that she had Matt's last name. When Matt wasn't home, he brought it up to his mom. "Why does she have dad's last name and I don't?" He said sadly. "You don't like having my last name?" She said. "I do, but I also want Dads last name in my name." Y/n then explained to him that in order for him to have Matt's last name, Matt had to adopt him. Cam wanted that, he did.

Over the next few weeks, Y/n randomly asked Matt if he would ever want to adopt Cam and legally be his father. Matt immediately agreed and was up for it if that was something Cameron wanted. That happened a couple of months ago.

"Okay, put your hands out." Cameron said as he got closer to Matt. "And open you eyes." Matt felt a stack of papers land on his hands and he opened his eyes and looked at them first before looking down at what was in his hands. The first word that caught his eye was Adoption and immediately looked up at them eyes filling with tears. "Oh my god- are- are you guys serious?" He said, a smile creeping up on his face. "Will you adopt me?" Cam said.

Matt placed the papers down on the table and scooped Cameron in his arms. "Of course I will. A million times yes." Y/n only stood and watched, tears rolling down her face as she watched the beautiful moment between the two. The very next day, they signed the papers and waited until it was official.

"Cameron Sturniolo Y/l/n." Matt read as he held all of Cam's new records. "I love you, Dad."

[oneforthemunny]

merry christmas eve-ie to all!!!

here's a little blurby blurb for our fav dilf <3

"How's it going?" You whispered, slipping into the garage carefully.

"Good." Eddie grunted, tongue poked out in concentration. Glasses perched on the tip of his nose, he tightened the screws. "I woulda thought they would've evolved this shit by now." He huffed.

"What?" You whispered, head tilting down the hall to make sure Delilah was still asleep.

"I had to build all this stuff for Brielle, and I just woulda thought it would be easier by now." Eddie rolled his eyes. "Shit should come assembled."

You joined him on the cool concrete floor of the garage. It was warmer than you expected this year, no chance of a white Christmas. "You're a pro at this, Santa." You grinned.

"Reminds me of this one year," Eddie reached for the screwdriver behind him. "I think Brielle was nine, and I saved up to get her this Barbie Castle Dreamhouse thing, right? I was working like overtime because those things were so expensive and I wanted her to have all the dolls and shit that went with it."

You watched him, eyes shining in adoration as his brows creased in focus, securing the tiny elevator onto the track. "Anyways, I spent all this money because she was having Christmas with me this year. And I hadn't bought the house yet, so I decided to put it together in my closet while she was asleep. I stayed up all night, all fucking night, putting this thing together." Eddie snorted at the memory.

"That thing had so many fucking little pieces and parts."

"I bet she loved it though." You cooed, chin pressed to your palm, a lopsided smile on your face. "Bet she was so excited when she saw it."

"Yeah." Eddie smiled, head bobbing at the memory. "She didn't want to go back to Gina's because she just wanted to stay and play with it."

You looked at the doll house Eddie was working on now, the number one thing Delilah had asked for- besides a puppy, which you had put a stop to.

"I think Lilah's gonna love this." You grin.

"Yeah, I hope so." Eddie muttered, fastening the plastic pieces together. "Oh, look what I got her." He laughed lightly, reaching back to snatch the small box beside him.

Inside the bright cardboard, a tiny plastic puppy. An accessory that went with the other dolls, but it made you laugh. "There's her puppy." Eddie smirked.

[fanaticalfantasist]

The Duchess - Chapter 1

AN: This story is set in my version of the Duke and I, so it's Daphne's story but with my favourite Bridgerton brother as well haha.

Every drawing room in London was full of the news being presented in Lady Whistledown's latest pamphlet. It passed through the lips of every young woman about to be presented at court, every concered mama and every eligible young gentleman who cared to read the latest gossip. Norfolk had been opened for the first time in over a decade.

The enormous home which acted as the london seat of the Dukes of Norfolk had been closed for so long many couldn't remember what it even looked like inside. It's halls had been left to gather dust and its fine furniture covered in large white clothes. The first activity in the great house was noticed by the maid of one small household who noticed the windows being openeded, and before long it had spread throughout London and clearly to the ears of the mysterious Lady Whistledown.

From her carriage Juliet watched as the fields slowly turned from the beautiful countryside of peace she loved into the city she was visiting for the first time in her life. Her parents had hated the place allways saying it had bought nothing but misery to them and they would't inflict that on her. She smiled a little looking at the city, thinking of all her father's descriptions that she could just about remember.

"You're away with the faries again" a deep voice made her jump out of her daydream. She looked up to see her only friend in the world Simon Bassett, the Duke of Hastings. The two had been thrown together at a young age by Lady Danbury, as two lonely children she thought they'd get along. Or at least she'd hoped they would, what had transpired was a close friendship which was fraternal in nature. Despire the late Duke of Hastings attemps to set a match between the young nobles it never took.

"Remind me again why I am doing this?" Juliet asked pushing a dark brown curl from her eyes and placing it behind her ear. Simon sighed, he hated to see his friend unhappy, he knew she was anxious, that she had a part to play that she was worried she'd fail at.

"We're both here to just show our faces, show our power and then we can runaway again" he said smirking when Juliet cracked a smile laughing a little.

"I'm guessing that's not what you said to Lady Danbury?" she asked as they pulled towards Hastings House.

"God no" Simon let out a boistrous laugh, he brushed his trousers down and got out of the carriage. "I'll see you for dinner?" he asked and she nodded.

As the carriage pulled away again and she was alone with her thoughts, Juliet took some deep breaths. The carriage held the embelem of the Norfolk family, so she knew the minute she stepped from the carriage eyes would be on her. Taking the small hand mirror she'd put into a bag she carried Juliet checked she looked every part the Duchess she was. She reminded herself this was a part she was playing, this wasn't her but the Duchess of Norfolk. She'd trained for this moment, she knew her power and knew what to do with it.

//

Everything about this day had been planned perfectly, to the point where Benedict was almost certain he could repeat each thing his mother had repeated to him. As he stood with his siblings waiting for Daphne's great entrance in front of the queen he would rather be anywhere but where he was at that moment. Nothing but a room full of mama's ready to push their daughters in front of the first eligable man they could come across.

"Miss Daphne Bridgerton presented by the Dowager Vicountess Bridgerton" the herald announced.

Benedict had to admit, that though he hated this and all these antiquated traditions, he was proud of the way that his sister was holding herself in front of all these people. He knew she'd be the diamond of the season, and knew the chaos that would cause in the Bridgerton household, his mother fussing and Anthony loosing his mind constantly.

With great interest Benedict watched as a herald ran towards the throne, and a message was passed on. He wasn't the only one who noticed that this was taking place, he could hear the slight murmer throughout the crowd gathered. They were all waiting to see what could have caused the Queen to pale slightly, and for those around her to look shocked.

//

Juliet took some deep breaths, knowing this was going to be an interesting moment for her, she had to stay calm. Running a hand down her white dress she smiled to herself. Thinking of what her mother had said to her, "Being a Duchess means being strong, no matter what anyone will say, you are a Duchess". She smiled sadly at the thought before hearing the chief herald from behind the large doors.

"Her Grace, Juliet Wyndham, Duchess of Norfolk" as he finished speaking the doors swung open. Juliet could hear the rippling murmers throughout the crowd. Slowly and confidently Juliet walked into the hall, she was keeping her eyes a head with keeping eye contact with the Queen. She oozed the air of being a Duchess, her power seeping through her veins.

She had chosen everything so prescisely, choosing to against all the traditions expected of her. No large feather, or cold trim. She wore a beautiful silk and lace dress her hair was not placed up but flowling around her shoulders, flowers delicetly spread around them and her diamonds sparkling in the light.

She kept her head held high, she knew the power she held. Juliet was well aware, as was everyone in that room including the Queen that Juliet was the most powerful person there. In fact the Wyndham family had more right to the throne than the current King and Queen did. She was richer, politically more savy and clearly admired.

"Your majesty" Juliet said clearly as she did a deep curtsy in front of the Queen before standing up again, she didn't wait to he invited too. She knew the power of the move, she was sending messages, and as many messages as she could.

"Your Grace, what an unexpected honour" the Quen was slightly stumbling for control, which made Juliet smirk.

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part Ten

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way? 

Authors Note: It was in the drafts and it's been a while so I thought I'd post. Might not hear from me for a bit though after this, so I hope you like the next part. Thank you for all the love on this one.

Masterlist

A warm bout of light filtered into the bedroom through a small gap in the curtains. It gave the space a sepia feel, tinting the light bedding and walls a warm hazel colour. Creating a haze of skittering beams above me.

It wasn't much, the room. It simply held the necessities I thought I needed seeing as I didn't spend too much of my time in it, other than when I needed to dress or sleep. I’ve really had too many other things occupying my time during the past few years that have kept me from worrying over the state of it.

There was a rickety old dresser, which sat in the far corner and had been something I'd picked up during my time at uni. Student accommodation had been lacking and so Finn had decided, quite early on I might add, that it would be in our best interest to find ourselves some cheap furniture to fill it with.

In truth, we’d actually had to lug the pesky thing all the way down a dual-carriageway and across a roundabout, after having spotted it advertised in the window of our local offy. It held a good few memories though, like when the pair of us had jumped up onto it at the first sight of an eight-legged pal, or the time I’d walked in to find him getting railed over its top.

Then there was the large mahogany wardrobe that had been purchased from a wholesaler not very long after I had finally gotten a newly born Teddy settled into the tiny flat I'd rented out in Hackney. 

It had been cramped, what with the bathroom having been the size of a broom cupboard and the only bedroom having led straight into our ‘fun-sized’ kitchen. But we'd made it work. In fact, it had practically been a Godsend during those nightly feeds- six steps and I’d been right by the cooker!

The wardrobe had been a much needed purchase though, and one of the first things I had bought solely for myself since I’d moved out of mam’s.

Then there was the side table, sat next to the one edge of my bed that hadn't been backed into a wall, which held a reading light, a three wicked candle and a couple of novels with folded and refolded receipts sticking out the sides as page markers.

I had garnered quite the collection of books, I could admit, all of which seemed to line up haphazardly on the opposite wall. I tended to smile whenever I caught sight of its heavy shelves, a reminder of all the havoc that had gone into them whilst putting them up. It had taken me three whole days, and even though they were still a tad lopsided, I still gazed upon them in pride.

A woeful plant burdened my windowsill, a slither of its olive coloured pot barely seen from behind the billowing beige curtains. Whilst cushions sat in disarray across the hardwood floor below, having been tossed every which way the night previous.

There were dirty clothes in the hamper by the half-opened door and a basket of clean, partially folded, washing in a chair sitting beside the wardrobe. 

The room wasn't completely tidy, but not a tip either.

Humming groggily to myself, I began to stir from the deep sleep I’d lost myself in and used the ball of my palm to rub tiredly at my eye just as a furrowed line creased between my brows. 

It was far too quiet, I deemed, and must've been later than usual too because Teddy normally had us both up long before the crack arse of dawn. So I sniffed once and then went to turn over, just to check the time as I always did, but couldn't stop the way I stilled completely at the sight that greeted me.

Because in bed, right beside me, laid another body. One hidden deep beneath the weighted duvet and my favoured blanket, but a body nonetheless. 

Shit.

It appeared in the remaining foggy haze of last night, I had quite simply forgotten about the man I'd invited back home. And into my bed, it seemed. As well as the ill-timed events that had led up to it, too. 

My breath hitched when the man suddenly moved in his sleep and I did my very fucking best not to express any of my thoughts or feelings outwardly. Desperate not to actually rouse the sleeper. 

Instead, I inhaled. Once, then twice. Before finally, I gathered enough courage and strength to slowly inch myself all the way down to the very end of the bed. Mindful not to drag the duvet down with me.

Once I was standing- still fully clothed, I might tack on (thank you to small miracles!)- I allowed myself a second to just peer down and admire the dark, curling locks that now sprawled across my pale pillowcase. As well as the slither of skin which poked out from beneath the bed sheets. 

In all honesty, I couldn't actually recall the last time I'd shared my space like this, so freely it almost felt effortless.

Quickly though, I blinked myself out of those sorts of thoughts and took another, much needed, deep breath. The flat was still as quiet as it had been a moment prior, but I was careful to tread incredibly lightly when I turned to grab the nearest set of clean clothes. Then, cautiously, I started to tiptoe my way out of the bedroom.

Standing in the hallway, with a wooden door now planted firmly between me and my overnight guest, I threw my head back in silent ire. Questioning just how, why! I had gotten myself into a situation this stress inducing, a situation I had not been in since my days at uni. I could only  just begin to imagine how this would all pan out once everyone was finally wide awake and Teddy had-

Oh God, Teddy!

It was painfully embarrassing to admit that I had just about worked myself into a right state before it finally hit me that Teddy was, in fact, still with Finn. At his flat, not even ten minutes away, and not down the hall, sleeping in the same space as a fucking strange bloke he’d never even set eyes on.

So with that anxiety riddled train of thought now settled, I found that I was ultimately calmer and took a deep breath before resolving to head off to the loo before anything else happened to occur. Or before I sent myself into another full blown panic attack.

I wandered down the rest of the hall into the bathroom and went about my business before stripping out of last night’s clothes. I couldn't stop myself from wincing at the laddered tights I’d since tugged off, those which would surely have to go straight in the bin, and then stepped into a pair of well-worn joggers as well as a newer jumper I’d found during the early summer sales.

It was a long and thoughtful process that had me deciding that I should start on a pot of tea, because if I couldn't sneak my way out of this entire affair via the front door, then tea would simply have to do. Us Brits, hey?

But first, I needed to find my phone.

The thing wasn't too hard to locate. I found it lying on the kitchen counter when I walked in, charging, and did my best to recall the events of the previous night as I puttered around to fill the kettle.

There had been the phone call.

Then Finn taking Teddy.

The tube ride to the bar.

Ronan... As well as everyone else.

And then, Matty had appeared out of nowhere and turned my entire sodding night on its head.

"Christ." I heard myself grumble under my breath, feeling as though I had aged an entire year in a single night.

The hangover I was now supposed to be nursing was teetering around the edges of my mind, a headache oncoming I reckoned seeing as though my shock had hit it clean off onto the verge upon waking up. But still, I found myself rubbing at my temples for a brief second before splaying my palms out on the cold counter in an attempt to calm my brewing emotions.

"Could tell you a few ways to reach him, but I don't reckon he's the sort to make house calls..."

I startled at the sound of the unexpected voice and snapped my head straight up to find Matty standing in the doorway to my kitchen. The man had apparently foregone trousers, choosing instead to make up for the lack of material on his bottom half with a pair of thick socks and an oversized jumper I knew had been draped across my dresser only moments earlier. 

I couldn't find it in himself to complain though, not that I would've. Matty looked far too indecent standing there, morning light illuminating his milky skin and shadowing his already dark, tousled hair, watching me through bleary eyes.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" Is what I chose to reply with, heartbeat still a little erratic, pulsing in the curve of my throat. I reached a hand up to tug on an earring, the other arm moving to wrap its way around my torso.

Matty’s lip quirked upwards when he stepped further into the room, just as the kettle whistled away to a boil.

"You're alright." He waved off, and shook his head lightly as he made his way over to where two mugs had since been placed on the counter. Two mugs I’d put down without much thought as to whether or not he was sticking around long enough for a brew.

Still, I hadn’t needed to fret over it, seeing as I was forced to watch on as Matty brewed the tea himself; popping a tea bag into each cup and steeping them in hot water. He then cocked a questioning brow in my direction which startled me into motion.

"Sugar’s in the tin.” I told him softly, pointing in its direction, “You'll have to make do with skimmed milk though I'm afraid, got none of that oat shit."

Matty snorted in retort and crossed the floor to open the fridge, looking almost too at home in my austere, little kitchen. Especially when the jumper he wore rid high enough up his thighs to expose the edging of his tight, black boxers.

I looked away.

"Might be a bigshot, babe, but a decent cuppa means actual milk." Matty tutted, paying no mind to the homage of colourful drawings on my fridge door as it rattled shut, and then returned to his station to pour an ungodly amount of milk into one mug. He hovered the bottle over the other.

"Just a splash, please. No sugar." I told him quietly and he hummed in turn, stirring methodically before he fished the teabags out and into the bin.

I took my mug rather cautiously once Matty had picked up his own and taken perch on top of my countertop, feeling a bout of unease at seeing the singer so comfortable in my humble home. What must he think of it all?

I tried not to stress anymore than I already had and took a small sip instead, looking at the way the man opposite fiddled with the old school radio that resided on the closest shelf. It was something I'd brought along with me from back home, it had belonged to one of my grandfathers, I wasn't sure which, but it tended to soothe me whenever I cooked in the late evenings, or during the long nights when Teddy was up all hours. 

The warm tea soothed my dry throat and eased some of that tension I still had coiled in the line of my shoulders, enough so that I felt the need to start up another conversation just to fill the lingering silence.

My tongue darted out to wet my bottom lip and then I cleared my throat, cradling the hot mug in my hands.

"So, about last night..."

I was overall quite surprised to see the way Matty's entire mood immediately shifted upon hearing my opener. His lethargic demeanour- mostly down to having just woken up- stiffened entirely and sharpened his tired eyes and soft lips.

"Last night." Parroted Matty, voice low and tinged with a slight rasp that I hadn't paid much attention to a minute ago. It held power, though toneless. 

I paused, if only for a moment to weigh my next words. It was important that Matty understood that last night had been a bit of an overreaction on my part, that I’d misstepped whilst drunk, and not something other. I couldn’t deal with any of that right now, if ever. No one needed to know the extent of what had gone down.

"Ronan, he's... well, he's just always been a bit protective."

Matty stared back at me, his face utterly blank. Enough so that I actually startled slightly when he scoffed. It was a loud sound that echoed off the tiles, before his jaw set sternly and his narrowed eyes met my own. “Hang on, you're actually choosing to defend that dickhead?" 

I blinked in return, gaping in truth, at the realisation that I’d completely forgotten the fact that I'd explained much of what had happened, drunkenly, to Matty on the cab ride home. The same journey which had ended with not only Matty escorting me up to my front door but me also inviting him inside. 

Couldn’t he have just been a gentleman and declined? Left me to choke on my own sick and perhaps allow me to die with the little dignity I’d had left?

It wasn't anything like most would've probably imagined though, the whole me asking him up thing, that much I knew. My intentions hadn't been anywhere near illustrious and I certainly hadn't set out to lure the illusive singer into my bed. I’d merely wanted some company after all that had happened that night is all, scared to be alone with the guilt, even.

Which was honestly a first for me. It had always been so much easier for me to just deal with my many thoughts and complicated emotions alone, behind closed doors and far, far from judgement. 

It seemed that the alcohol had addled my mind slightly.

I couldn’t help the sigh I gave then, nor the way I curled up further into the wooden chair I’d since sat in.

"No, just-"

Matty scoffed again, this time cutting me off completely. "Well, it sounds as though you are, darling."

I went to argue but found I couldn't- not that Matty gave me much of an opportunity to though. No, the man simply stampeded on, didn’t he?

Were all rock stars this pigheaded?

"I mean, for fucks sake, Mouse! What were you thinking? I've met my fair share of arseholes but he was no doubt one of the biggest, toed right in line beside me when I was off my face, in truth. He was so fucking arrogant, controlling and- moody! My God, he was a downright moody prick, too. And those were just my thoughts before seeing the aftermath of what went down at the end of the night!” 

He shook his head vehemently.

"And protective, really Squeaks? I'm sorry to say this, babe, honest I am, but you might need a reality check, mate. He was downright possessive. Glaring at you the entire night only to try and stake his claim the second you were alone."

I gritted my teeth, unhappy with the way Matty had portrayed everything.

"He's a friend!" I tried to defend but Matty, who had since quietly settled his mug down in spite of his obvious anger, jumped off the counter and stepped forward.

"More like deranged!" He spat back, "I saw you! I was fucking there! I had to look into your eyes, see the blinding panic, the fear. Don't tell me that he's a friend, not when he caused a reaction like that. I mean, you can be intimidating when you want to be- all sweet like, subdued, and intelligent. You're all these fascinating things rolled up into one oversized jumper, and yet, you let someone like him walk all over you? Treat you like you're his property or something." He scoffed once more, shaking his head like he couldn’t believe the words he was having to spew.

I stared long and hard into his dark eyes before I couldn't stand to any longer, instead I turned away to blow out an unsteady breath.

Matty was right, I knew that much, alright? But it didn't mean I had to enjoy having to admit to that. Having someone else in on a secret I’d kept for so long, one I hadn't even realised I’d been keeping, not really. It all just felt like a little too much to be dealing with all at once and so early in the morning to boot. Because in actuality, I didn't want to face up to the fact that I had actually allowed someone to treat me that way. To know that other people had finally been a witness to it. Seen me that weak.

I had vowed long ago to never let another person put me in such a state of vulnerability. But here I was, a-fucking-gain.

I heard Matty sigh before socked feet dragged closer and I felt a gentle hand come to rest at the bow of my elbow. He sighed again, softer this time though, when I only continued to stare resolutely out of the kitchen window.

"I'm sorry for blowing my top, yeah? I just- it annoys me, to see you wash your hands of it so easily. As though you believed what he'd done was okay."

I swallowed thickly.

"You deserve better than that, okay?" Matty added.

I had to glance up at the ceiling to blink away the mist in my eyes, but did finally dip my head in silent acknowledgement, pulling away slightly so that I could take a moment to gather myself.

Matty didn't move when I crossed the kitchen floor to riffle through my cupboards, rooted to the ground almost, but he was spurred into action only a few seconds later.

I’d just placed a carton of eggs on the side and moved to turn on the hob when the old radio stuttered to a start. It let that silence I so hated fade away, and gave me the kick I needed to carry on.

"How'd you like your eggs?" I asked, and felt more than saw Matty’s relieved smile. He just had a way of taking up all the space in a room, as though he were its own gravitational pull and everyone else just had to be aware of his every cue. 

I hid my own, however tiny smile, as best I could.

"Fried. Got any bacon?"

And just like that, things evened out and our 'talk' was seemingly long forgotten. To be honest, I actually got so caught up in the normality of it all, the radio playing, the sidestepping, the easy smiles, that I completely forgot about the world around us. Everyone else that lived beyond these four walls.

It was just as we’d finished up eating and Matty had jumped up to grab our plates, that a familiar alert sounded. I glanced away and was reminded that life had in fact continued on without us.

I hurried over to where my phone was still sat on the side and worried at my lower lip when I saw the many notifications which lined the dimming screen. The newest was from Finn.

Messages now Finnleyyy Awake yet drunkard? Got a little man here ready to head home, well fed and only a little dirty!

It was instantaneous the way my gaze darted up to where Matty was now standing by the sink, only a tad surprised to find him making an attempt at the washing up. He must've felt my eyes on him though because he turned to flash me a grin over his right shoulder a second later. I tried my best to smile back, but the thought of Teddy meeting Matty, and of Matty meeting Teddy... just didn't sit quite well with me.

My thumbs flew their way across the screen to type up a speedy reply. 

Messages now Just woke up Sort of got a visitor? And before you start, no it wasn't like that, but I promise to tell you more when you get here Can you give me half hour??

It was only a little embarrassing, having to mention my overnight guest, especially whilst knowing it was the same man Finn had been blatantly teasing me about these past few weeks, but I really didn't want to have these two parts of my life crossover. Not right now.

With everything I understood about Matty and his past, I had to be certain that he was the kind of person I wanted my son to be around. The kind of person my son was safe to be around. And I was nowhere near sure where I currently was on that scale.

Matty was unreliable. His job had him everywhere and nowhere at once, up all hours of the day, and on a bus most months out of the year. That was something I really had to consider here. 

Because I really was just trying to be brutally honest with myself. No matter how genuine Matty might've seemed in his recent efforts, I also knew that he was bound to get bored of our dubious friendship sooner or later, and that Teddy tended to get rather attached quite quickly. And I wouldn't stand by and watch my son get hurt when Matty finally chose to walk away. It was tough, him only having so few people constantly around, I wished so greatly that I could give him the big family I’d always dreamed of, but new people always had me so weary.

I breathed out a quiet sigh of relief when Finn finally messaged back giving me the okay, as well as the expected hard time.

Messages now Finnleyyy Ah I'll be sure to rinse you of every detail, you lazy sod! And Teds will be fine, we'll stop off at the park on our way over

Matty popped up right beside me then, just as I exited my messages, and I was merely thankful that I'd managed to avoid him seeing anything that could have led to questions. In an attempt to both evade and act casual, I scrolled down further to see who else had texted. 

"Anything interesting?"

I blinked up at him, mouth now suddenly agape, then to my screen, then back up at him.

"Erm, you might want to see this." I told Matty as I all but threw my mobile into his hands. 

The Sun 07:34 HOTHEAD HEALY IS BACK AND MAKING HEADLINES WITH DARK HAIRED BEAUTY

MTV 08:02 MATTY HEALY SPOTTED AT LONDON BAR WITH NEW FLING!

The Mirror 08:11 A WILD NIGHT OUT ON THE TOWN FOR 1975 SINGER AND FRIENDS TURNS SOUR

In all the new texts I’d gotten Jamie had been the one to send the first few articles, but one seemingly spiralled into another, like a spider spinning its deceitful web.

Matty’s sudden bout of boisterous laughter startled me though, the sound so unexpected, and I shot a hasty look over to find an amused smile dancing on his lips whilst he shook his head.

"Erm," I attempted, but stopped there when I realised I didn't quite have the words, or rather no actual clue on what to say.

"Same old story." Matty told me, shrugging it off as though him being pictured simply standing next to Indra, the friend of a friend from last night, in a crowded bar was enough to warrant such a spectacle.

"But you barely said two words to her!" I retorted when Matty handed me back my phone, surprised by his utter nonchalance.

He only shrugged again! "All publicity's good publicity, and all that crap. Besides, I know the truth, the people who matter know the truth," He dipped his chin over at me then for some reason, "And so does she. They'll find something, or someone else, to hound soon enough."

"What, so it really doesn't bother you then? Being made out to be this person you're not."

"A slag, you mean?" Matty teased as a mischievous smile limned his lips. 

Tutting, I could only roll my eyes at him before I forced myself to my feet and wandered over to the sink. The bigshot singer made an abrupt noise of indignation when he realised that I really did intend to redo all of his hard work.

"Oi, I already did those!"

I couldn’t hide my smirk as I rinsed the plates off properly, honestly glad for the distraction. "And you did quite well, what with it being your first try."

Matty scowled halfheartedly, but I took note of the faint blush that flushed the back of his neck. Seemed like I wasn't too far off in my assumption.

"So, what did Jamie have to say about it all then?" Matty quipped, swiftly changing the subject.

I let him have it, not saying a word more on the topic before I went to dry my hands. "What I think you mean to ask is, why did he text me?"

"Well, yeah." Matty replied with another single shoulder shrug, "How did he even know that we were together?"

"Made a good guess?" I supplied simply when I found that I didn't really have the answer to that particular question. 

But privately, I reckoned that maybe Jamie hadn't realised that Matty and I had been together at all. I hadn't been photographed in any articles, from what I'd seen at least, and neither me nor Matty had had any contact with him until right now. 

Maybe Jamie had just wanted to let me in on what was happening, on the know, perhaps he'd wanted someone to rant or share his frustrations with. It wouldn't have been the first time. 

So I made a mental note to message him again later, when Matty was long gone and I had time to stew on all of this.

"Enough about him anyway, what are you up to today?" Matty asked me as he jumped backup into the counter. I consciously avoided looking at the way his thighs pressed against the granite, the tattoos that marked the length of his skin.

"Apart from bleaching your arse off of my countertops?" I snarked back and snorted when Matty merely wiggled his arse in retort, "I've got a couple of things to sort today."

"Work things?"

I hummed my general assent but avoided meeting Matty’s eye, not wanting to outright lie. I really did have plans though, plans to waste the day away with Teddy, grab a late lunch, and maybe head off to the cinema to watch that new superhero film he'd been yapping on about for the past two weeks. Only, I couldn't tell any of that to Matty.

"What about you?" I asked instead (always so polite!) as I went about the kitchen, clearing away what remained of our cooking session. I'd rather get the majority done now, than fret over it later.

"Not much." Matty mumbled as he ran a fingertip along the edge of a nearby cupboard, kicking his feet up when I swept past. "Avoid Jamie, dodge a couple calls, maybe meet up with some friends. Think Ross got the new FIFA, so might bug him for a bit."

I hummed around a small smile, returning the dry cutlery back to its rightful drawer, "That Danny guy?"

Matty flashed me a knowing smile. "Mayhaps."

"Mayhaps?" I mimicked, shooting him a questioning brow.

"It's a combination of words, Squeaks. Emphasises the meaning!"

I snorted. "I'm sure."

Matty chuckled quietly to himself before he finally pushed himself off of my kitchen side and back onto his feet. "Well, I'd best get out of your hair then. Leave you to do your important work and what not."

I faked a sigh of evident relief and dodged the swat he aimed at my arm, grinning as I rounded a table chair.

"Don't act like you won't miss my Godlike presence, darling." Matty looked down his nose at me mockingly as he made his way over to the doorway.

A belly laugh bubbled up out of me upon hearing that and Matty all but lit up at the sound. "Godlike? Wow, it's nice to know that fame really does get to some people’s heads."

Matty cut his eyes at me and with a mirthful smile, flipped me off. "Dick. I'm just gonna head up and get changed. That alright?"

I dipped my head, feigning wiping down the table before I glanced up to watch him walk away, finding my smile never faltering even after Matty had disappeared from sight.

It wasn't too long later when he popped back up again though, all dressed up in a pair of expensive boots and the tight trousers he'd been wearing last night. I didn’t miss the flash of my jumper that had been hidden somewhere behind the zip of his jacket though, but I didn’t say anything, pleased that he’d taken a liking to it. 

Looking at him, it didn't even seem as though he'd been out drinking all night, or that he'd just rolled out of the bed of some other. He looked rather lovely like this, still a tad bit sleepy- it was all in the crook of his smile, you see- and soft.

"Well, I'd best be off then." Matty announced from where he was now stood idling waiting in the hallway. 

I propped myself up against the bannister and found myself wearing an amused smile, drinking him in. "Best be."

He grinned back over at me and just when it felt as though he was about to reach out, he stuffed one hand into his jacket pocket and pointed at me with the other. "I'll text you later, yeah? So make sure to actually reply this time, all right?"

Rather dramatically, I blew out a large breath and crossed my arms over the ball that sat atop the bannister’s wooden beam. "Seems like a hard task..."

I laughed when Matty shot me a particularly nasty glare, but relented.

"I'll be waiting on your many messages, my dear." I corrected, doing my best to feign the doting wife sending her husband off to war, even going as far as to clutch at my jumper in a pained goodbye.

"You’d better." Matty smirked and when I took a step away from the staircase, he decided to take that as his leave.

Though it was just as he was halfway out the front door that he paused and turned back to chance a glance at me, ring clad fingers toying with the latch on the inside lock. 

"We might've dropped the subject but, just know, if I ever see that ginger prick near you again I will put my fist through his face hard enough that he'll be shitting out my rings." And with that Matty dipped his chin at me once and let the door swing shut behind him.

I wasn’t ashamed to say that I stood there in the silence that encompassed the house for a very long moment, before my lips finally quirked upwards and I let myself laugh. 

It seemed that everyone was right, Matty Healy truly did have a way with words. Only, the wrong kind.

[stayandot8]

Heart and Seoul

Genre: tooth-aching fluff

Relationship type: married nonidol!Chan x fem reader

Important Contents: thank you the request friend :) I immediately got an idea when you sent this to me and I'm sorry it took so long to write. I hope you like it.

request can be seen here.

WC: 1.8k

masterlist

Hubby: Guess what I got???

A picture arrived a second later of three plane tickets, all with the same destination: Seoul, South Korea. A flash of shock hit me and my fingers worked faster than my brain could process. 

“Isn’t it awesome?! My parents helped pay for them so don’t worry, I didn’t spend too much money. Well, not yet anyways. I’m going to buy a snow suit for Celeste because she’s never seen snow before and she’ll want to play in it because if she’s anything like me but that’s beside the point!” Chris was so excited and when he was excited, he rambled about everything and anything. A change that occurred after he became a dad, but a welcome one at that. Getting him to share his feelings wasn’t too too hard when I came along, but ever since his daughter was born, he was a babbling mess. A good change, really. After five years, he’d really mellowed out with her safety. She had too many clothes to begin with with the overexcitement of her arrival from her uncles, but now she was down to only a few new outfits a week, and now he at least acted like he was thinking about it when he changed his mind from a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’. He couldn’t deny his little girl anything. 

“Chris, she has snow clothes. Her grandmother bought some for her the last time we went to Korea in the winter just in case it snowed, which she’s still upset about.”

“I know, the weather app is stupid, they never know anything.”

“Chris! She has enough clothes! We’re going to have to give her our master closet if you keep buying her more things!” He was quiet to this, like he was actually thinking about the logistics of it. “Babe, she’s not getting our closet.”

“I know!”

“You were thinking about it though.”

“...Maybe. Then I was thinking about everything else I could buy her with all that room.”

“Chris…” I said warningly. 

“I’m done, I’m done. She’s not getting our closet.”

“Good.”

“But she is getting a snow suit. Okay, love you, bye!” I clutched my phone as he hung up, shaking my head and wondering where in the world he was going to put one more thing she didn’t need. It wasn’t like he was buying nonsense, it was just that he couldn’t tell her no if she really wanted something. He was a good dad like that. 

Me: Christmas with the uncles sounds good :) 

Hubby: Start packing. We leave in three days :) 

Me: Won’t mom be upset we won’t be in Sydney for the holiday?

Hubby: My mom will be fine, she’s used to holidays without me. 

Me: Don’t remind me 

Hubby: It’s yours we have to worry about. 

It was true, I was worried that my mother would be upset about a holiday without her grandchild. She loved them more than anything, cherished her truly. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt about it. 

Hubby: We’ll tell her together. We’re adults now, we can choose to spend the holidays wherever we like. 

Always reading my mind, my husband. 

The front door opened and shut, letting in the Sydney breeze along with it and a head of dark hair waltzed right in. Heading straight for the fridge, she reached for a small bag of apple slices just out of her reach. 

“Mommy!”

“Yes, baby, do you need some help?” I was already off my stool at the kitchen island and heading towards her. 

“Yes please!” She turned her shining eyes towards me, just as warm and comforting as her father’s. Her smile pushed her round cheeks upwards toward her eyes, just like his. Chan said she had my nose and he was more thankful for that than anything. He hated his nose. 

She was still reaching for the bag, knocking a bottle of water to the floor. “Whoops! I’ll get it Mommy.”

“Oh thank you Cece, that was very helpful of you.” She loved hearing these things, loved hearing how she helped someone. Anyone. More of her father’s features shining through, she just loved to help in any way she could. I opened the bag and handed it to her. “There you go, baby .Do you want to watch some TV before your grandmas and grandpas come over for dinner?” 

Once in a while, all the grandparents came over for dinner to spend time with the three of us. They wanted to see their Cece before all the holiday craziness came and they had to get busy with everything else that came with the holidays. 

With the house smelling like grilled meat and rice, the doorbell rang like chimes in the wind, a touch from Chris when we bought the house. Cece ran to the door, yelling “I got it, I got it!” She opened the door to both sets of grandparents flinging their arms wide open at the sight of her at the door, her red sparkly dress swinging as she lept for them. They hugged her, bags swinging from their arms as all four of them came around her. 

I was luckier than most with my in-laws. They had welcomed me with the most open of arms into their family and made me feel like a part of the family, like they had always been there just waiting for me. My parents got along with them, his mother bonding with mine over their love of plants and house decor. Our fathers got along with sports, the only issue ever being who was paying for the wedding (they both wanted to pay for it). They loved me and I loved them. I knew this situation wasn’t common, so I cherished it whenever they all came together. 

“Cece, are you going to let them come in?” I laughed while they hugged her, knowing they wouldn't let go until she did. 

“Oh, it’s fine, she’s fine.” Chris’s mom said while the others were putting their belongings in the hall closet. She picked up her favorite grandchild and held her until she arrived in the living room with all her toys neatly stacked. Celeste had a habit that she picked up from her father of finding joy in organization. It had to come from him because it definitely did not come from me.

As the other grandparents gathered around Cece on the floor, my dad followed me out the back door to find Chris hard at work grilling. They hugged and we watched Chris grill. 

“How’s the producing business, Chris?” Neither took their eyes off the meat.

“It’s good! Keeps me busy, but I get to meet celebrities so it has it’s perks. And the company is still good with letting me off for time with Cece. So I can’t complain.”

“That’s because you still work on your days off. I still haven’t been able to stop him.”

I sighed and gave Chan’s back a reproachful look. My dad chuckled. 

“Honey, you haven’t been able to stop him from working since you started dating. Remember Valentine’s Day a couple years ago?”

“Hey!” Chan finally turned around, mouth open in mock shock. “You said you were okay! You know how hard it was to get Tiger JK to actually sit down and work with me.”

“I do! And I’m still proud you managed to get it done in time.” I smiled and took his free hand that wasn’t holding a giant pair of tongs. “That doesn’t mean I can’t be a little salty that you had to miss our second Valentines together.” His eyes squinted. 

“And have I made it up to you every year since?” He cocked his eyebrow. 

“I need a beer! Anybody else?” My dad quickly jumped up to head back inside for said refreshment. I shot Chan a smirk. 

“Was that necessary?”

“Hey, he could’ve done the math. Cece was born in November.” I rolled my eyes. His tone suddenly got serious. “Do you want to tell them now or after we eat?”

“After. Let them enjoy their time with her now.”

*

“You what?!”

The plates were cleared, Cece was passed out on the couch watching her favorite show, and the news had just come out. My mother, ever the drama queen, was fanning herself from the news. My father was helping her, if only to save himself the pain of a scolding from her later. 

“Well, they’re adults now, honey. They can do what they like.”

“But they’re taking her for the holidays too, Richard. Did you think about that?”

“Yes I did. They’ll be fine, they’ll be back afterwards.”

“And besides,” Chan’s mom interjected. “You can spend it with us! We can get wine-drunk and celebrate Christmas ourselves without the kids.”

Chris grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. My mother just watched us smile at each other. 

“We miss Korea, mom. And Christmas is such a wonderful time of year, I just think this year we want to spend it differently. We’ll pick you up some of your favorite face cream while we’re there, too.”

“So the trip won’t be a total waste for you!” Chris tried to placate her, but her face remained unchanged. “Alright Mom, what about this: when we get back, you guys can have Celeste for a whole weekend, just her and you.” She perked up at that.

“Friday to Monday?”

“You can even bring her back Monday night.” Chris, ever the diplomat. A rush of pride went through me. My mom thought about it for a moment. 

“Deal.” 

Chris’s dad piped in.

“What about us?!”

*

Celeste did really well for her first plane ride. We arrived at the Incheon Airport around noon, but we didn’t know what awaited us outside until we stepped outside to our car waiting to take us to our hotel. Driven by Hyunjin with a passenger seat occupied by Felix, they waved us over before climbing out of the car to fling their arms open for Celeste, who stopped halfway to them, noticing the white fluff all around. 

“Daddy, what’s that?” she asked, her voice dripping in wonder. Her eyes shining with pure curiosity, she ignored her uncle’s waiting arms to hold her arms out to catch the falling flakes. They disappeared as quickly as they had landed in her hand, but that didn’t stop her from trying to catch all of the snowflakes in her immediate vicinity. She jumped and reached, trying to reach the clouds they were falling from. This insanely cute action was met with laughter from all angles, and before she knew it, she was hoisted into the air by her uncle to get a closer look. 

Chris and I stood by and let them catch up and enjoy the cold.

“She’s so cute. She takes after you, you know.” I placed a hand on my stomach. 

“I dunno. Maybe this one will be just as cute.”

[stillm0nster]

·˚ ◌༘₊· ͟͞꒰➳6th of october, 2024!!

his old self would have been quite oblivious to any hints but things were different now–- he was different. a changed man. at the back of his head lingered thoughts related to the conversation he overheard between aeri and their new friend at the midsummer festival earlier this year. the subtle hints were also something he noticed but never audibly noted for he had his own stance about marriage. maybe he had a more realistic and pessimistic outlook on that due to how his parents ( and many more ) ended up. it wasn’t like he didn’t have eternity at his disposal now, so why would he cage himself? if he was to be selfish, it would have taken way, way too long to take a step so important. but then there was she … she just–- had this effect on him that nobody else ever had ( or would have for that matter, he’s sure of that ). something about the idea of seeing her in a white dress with a pretty bouquet in hands has been stuck in his head. watching her dance with ylva, with flowers tucked in her braided hair plus the cute flower crown … the little white dress she had on to blend in with the other girls. but she was never able to blend in. she was the prettiest among them all, with her radiant smile and her contagious laughter! something deep within him m o v e d, as if with ease the switch was flipped. since then, so many thoughts went in and out of his head, so many good timings were missed but maybe he has done that purposely for he knew a better time for such a special moment. the sun was setting behind the tall mountains, earlier than it used to, reminding of the upcoming cold months. standing by the window, he waited while looking at the small box in his hand. opening it, inside was a pretty silver ring with a few stones on it. they reflected the flickering fairy lights above his head, making him smile to himself. he was ready and he knew the answer. closing the lid and tucking the box into the pocket on his jeans, heedo sighed softly when he noticed the familiar figure of his girlfriend approaching the building. remaining by the window for a while, he moved towards the door only when she twisted the key to unlock it. the smile on his face only grew bigger and he threw his arms in the air as soon as she was in his line of sight. “ baby! ” a few strides and he was by her side, already pulling her into his arms. “ i missed you. i missed the birthday girl so much! happy birthday, angel! ” he cooed, releasing her from his suffocating hug only to then start peppering kisses all over her cute face. after their small greeting, he let her go freshen up first. he didn’t lie when he said he prepared them dinner and bought her a cake ( which was absolutely the cutest ) but she had no idea about the actual surprise. nobody knew and it wasn’t the easiest thing because everybody and their mom would know it wasn’t a virtue of his to keep secrets like that. he managed though! when aeri reemerged, all fresh and comfortable, he knew it was the right time. standing in front of her, he looked down for a moment only to see the questioning look in her eyes. adorable. falling on one knee, he fished the little velvety box from his pocket. “ i know i’ve told you how marriage for me is not important and equals a cage. my view was totally different from yours due to our upbringings i suppose but someone special came by and showed me i was wrong. i’m thankful that you respected me and never once tried to push that on me just because you wanted it. it’s very selfless and … honestly, that’s so you. i’ve known you long enough to know that. it’s my turn to respect you and your wishes, to make you happy. it’s my one and only wish. ” making a small pause, he opened the little box, revealing the engagement ring in it. “ hân minh bè, will you marry me? ”

[leggerefiore]

ooof what about CEO Ingo and take your kids to work day before he and his so have emin??? I can only imagine that would drive him insane to see kids suddenly in the offices, being adorable, and then his SO cooes at some baby and it’s all over

assuming u meant Erin bc Emin is Ingo if you really think about it....

cw: CEO au, Ingo wanting to be a dad, Ingo/reader, short

-----

Ingo would admit the idea was entirely his own, and Emmet's protest about why it might be a bad idea went ignored. His younger brother was always trying to get away with a variety of unsavoury things in their office, so he had concocted a plan which prevented these very activities while also allowing him the ability to see one of his favourite things in the world. Parental affection towards children.

Emmet had told him plenty of times, declaring his love for children as a rich man in a high position would raise many eyebrows, but Ingo simply adored kids with all the growing paternal affection in his heart. The older twin dreamed of the day he would finally settle down and start a family since his childhood. Which is why he eagerly enjoyed this Emmet preventative measure and seeing his employees with their kids. They had made a designated play area with a constant monitor and child care specialist, so parents could get a reprieve from their kids.

You had laughed at his idea at first, but it had actually gone over well. Ingo would admit he felt a bit proud, seeing all the parents working in his office and their kids running around. It had also definitely prevented Emmet's behaviours.

His attention was caught by you kneeling down in front of a crying girl. You softly pet her head while also looking around the office. Had she lost sight of her parent? He could only wonder. Just as he was about to head out to help you, he watched as the girl suddenly latched on to you in a hug. Small sniffles could be heard as you recovered from the small shock enough to rub her back. Picking her up, you gazed around the office area before spotting a distressed woman. She noticed you and quickly rushed over.

The girl was exchanged to the other woman with a loud 'mommy' being whimpered out. Ingo felt his heart swell at the scene. A gentle reminder of what he had yet to have. You turned your head to him and waved before going into his office with his lunch. Your position as his assistant was between a genuine want to see you more and needing actual help with his work.

You left the office for a moment to go get him another coffee. Barely gone for a few moments, Ingo heard you suddenly let out a coo. His head perked up as he saw you just outside the door, caught by a younger male coworker with a toddler half asleep over his shoulder. The little guy was pretty cute, Ingo would admit, but his heart raced at your reaction. The coworker gave a polite smile as he conversed about the tyke and everything he had been up to.

A snicker to his left, unfortunately, snapped him out of it. Emmet rested his head on his hand as he gave a teasing grin at Ingo. “Brother, you look smitten,” the younger twin spoke easily, “You have barely done any work today.” Ingo's face grew warm as he recalled how he had taken to watching all his employees and their children interact. It was a bit hard to focus when people were so close and living out his lifelong dream.

“I want a baby,” he told Emmet, “I have wanted one since our mother finally relented and bought me that baby doll.” Emmet's eyes shot wide.

“I need to warn them,” Emmet stood up and tried to head for the door. The other twin quickly caught him.

“N-no! I want to have that discussion alone,” Ingo pleaded with begging eyes. Seeing his older brother in such a state left Emmet wordless for a moment.

“Fine,” he promised his brother, “I'll work late tonight.”

The wink Emmet gave drove the stake completely into Ingo's heart. Alright, Ingo realised, he really needed to speak with you then about his dream.

[sleepycyborgz]

Rick and Giovanni breaking into a terrorist organisation to fix their Yugiho cards. That’s it thats the fic. Enjoy me trying to be funny <3

Ao3 link:

—-

Rick followed the black string coming out of his heart with a bounce in each step. He and Giovanni were both planning to meet up at the arcade since Crusher’s mum got sick of cleaning up the mess they both left every Friday. They both had this system set up for a while now. Every Friday, Rick would come over to headquarters to do stuff since he usually couldn’t join in many evil schemes due to working for S.T.E.M now. He loved working there absolutely but it was nice to take a break and “hang out” with people who were definitely his friends. Whereas with his work friends, he was only like 70% sure they actually liked him. (At least the strings were still there though.)

Last week, Giovanni had brought a pack of these strange-looking cards. They reminded Rick of the Tarot cards he used to have as a kid but these had a bunch of writing underneath the picture. Giovanni called them “Yu-gi-oh” cards. Rick originally thought they were just like tarot and tried to give Giovanni a reading but he was quickly stopped after telling Gio that all he needs to do to succeed in life was to draw three cards from his deck and add them to his hand.

Giovanni explained that the cards weren't for reading fortunes but were actually for a game. Apparently, all you had to do was use these cards to fight against your opponent to bring their hit points down to 0. Rick played a few games against Giovanni most of which he lost but he was just happy to hang out with a friend at all really. Giovanni said it was fun too and that he actually wanted to play again next Friday. Rick had gotten really excited over this and looked up a bunch of guides when he got home and he even bought a starter pack and some extra spare packs with some of the money Naven lent him. Naven specifically told Rick that the money was for important things like buying food and paying rent and Rick was pretty sure buying Yu-gi-oh cards would also be included on the list! Keeping up friendships was pretty important after all.

Rick had the starter pack and extra cards carefully stored in a small backpack that Phoenicia had gotten him. It was pastel blue and purple with white glimmers and little starfish stitched onto it. Phoenicia had also given him a little sheep charm she made with those crocheting kits with 10 different designs to choose from. Trixie and Molly also got him a crow and bear respectively which they both made using the same kit after Feenie begged them both to help her make them. Rick absolutely adored the bag and took it everywhere, even if it got some weird looks from strangers.

Which made tripping over nothing and dropping the bag in a puddle all the more devastating.

Rick shuffled over to the bag in a panic, barely even feeling the impact of the fall over the adrenaline. The bottom of the bag was now soaking wet, covered in little bits of concrete and whatever else would be on a city footpath. But even that was nothing compared to the terror of seeing the bag’s zipper wide open and the cards Rick had just bought being scattered across the floor.

Rick scrambled over to each card and picked them all up carefully so they wouldn’t get any more damage. Thankfully most of the cards were unharmed. The worst damage Rick could spot was a bit of scratching on the back but not too bad!

Then Rick turned around and saw it. His blue eyes white dragon, the card that Giovanni told him was the most valuable card you could get. One he had managed to pull from a random packet and screamed so loud out of his excitement over it his neighbours filed a noise complaint. Sitting face up in a puddle, soaking wet.

Rick sat right next to the puddle, staring at it with a glossy look in his eyes. Before breaking out into a full-body sob. Morning over the card he’d gotten yesterday like he was standing over a beloved pet’s grave.

“Woah dude, are you alright?” Rick looked up, tears still clinging to his cheeks, only to see the same evil boss that he’d bought the cards for, holding two cups of a strange drink with black pearls floating at the bottom. Rick tried to apologise for dropping the cards he just ruined but whatever came out of his mouth was completely incomprehensible. Giovanni looked around and saw the pastel backpack now covered in dirt, gravel, and everything else gross you can find on a city footpath.

“Hey man, it’s alright.” Giovanni squatted down to match Rick’s eye level, a gentle smile on his face. “We can get that bag cleaned no problem, no need to get so worked up over it! I think my uncles have this detergent that can clean pretty much anything so I can just ask him to help with that if we can’t do it.” Rick swallowed the tears clogging the back of his throat and finally managed to form a clear sentence.

“That’s not it.” The wizard said, his voice still wavering.

“Huh?”

Rick pointed over to the card in the puddle. Giovanni stared at it for a moment, before grabbing Rick by the scarf and shaking him so fast Rick’s sunglasses nearly fell off his face.

“WHY DIDN’T YOU PUT IT IN A SLEEVE?!” Giovanni yelled with tears in his eyes.

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS!” Rick yelled back just as loud with just as many tears.

Giovanni let go of Rick and dropped to his hands and knees over the puddle. “It’s too late to save it now…” He said like a video game war general during the darkest hour. “It’s gone…” Rick joined him. The two men cried over that puddle in silence over the body of their most prized possession that lasted like a week. The people walking past just squeezed past the two somehow legal adults sobbing over a Yugioh card.

“WAIT A MOMENT!” Rick yelled, Giovanni looked up at him with tears still in his eyes. “I know a colleague who has an epithet who can reverse time. I’m not exactly friends with her yet however, we might be able to convince her to save this strange tarot card!”

Giovanni’s eyes sparkled with hope as he carefully grabbed the card and stood up, taking a dramatic pose that he’d definitely practised in the mirror that morning but Rick looked at him like he just saved his life regardless. “Then let’s go find her!”

—

“Zora,” Static rang out from the speakers above the table, the voice underneath it calm and controlled. “I believe that we should try a less direct approach with collecting the arsene amulet. So I am instructing Yoomtah to lead the search for the amulet instead.”

“WHAT!? THAT’S BULLSHIT!” The cowgirl yelled, slamming her fist into the table. The electric gremlin giggled beside her.

“Thank you boss~” Yoomtah said in a sing-song tone, subtly sticking her tongue out at Zora when their shadowy leader wasn’t looking. Which only made the cowgirl’s rage rise further. Moot stared at both of them under her hood, ready to grab Zora if the energetic cyborg pushed one too many of her buttons. A tired sigh rattled the speakers.

“I apologise Zora but your skillset just isn’t needed for this plan.”

“Wait, plan?”

The shadow nodded its head. Despite the lack of pupils, it had everyone could feel the leader’s eyes on them. Their gaze pierced each of their souls and revealed every part of them. Zora and Moot both shuffled a bit meanwhile Yoomtah stayed perfectly still, staring at the screen with eyes full of admiration.

“We should try and approach this from a different angle. Moot,” The hooded figure lifted her head. “After Yoomtah finds the location of the amulet, you will go collect it. Try not to kill as many people as last time, we don’t want to cause a scene.” The figure contemplated for a moment, before nodding.

“Alright, good. Yoomtah, I have a couple of locations for you to scout out where the amulet might be, first is the Sweet Jazz police department, since that’s who Zora said grabbed it.” Zora grumbled something about how the two people she met in redwood run cheated somehow. “If we’re lucky, it will be there and we can get in and collect the amulet before anyone even knows we took it-

SLAM!

A loud bang swept through the massive meeting room. Zora screamed “HOLY FUCK!” at the top of her lungs and aimed her gun right at the door. Moot jumped a bit before her head swooped around towards the noise. Yoomtah just casually tilted her head towards it. They didn’t know who to expect at the door but it definitely wasn’t two young men with brightly coloured hair and tear marks running down their faces.

“Oh hey, Rick!” Yoomtah chirped, the others stared at her. “Oh, yea! I kinda gave him the keys to the building in case he wanted to hang out with us!”

“Why did you do that…” Moot asked, disappointment clear in her tone that somehow flew completely over the cyborg’s head.

“Cause these meetings get BOR-RING! And Rick’s always fun to be around! He kinda doesn’t know anything so making him eat inedible stuff is funny. No idea who the other guy is though.” Yoomtah giggled, kicking her legs under the table as she explained.

“Do you realise how dangerous that is? If he heard half what we were talking about then we’d have to kill both of them.”

“Well in that case we’ve heard absolutely nothing!” Rick chimed in, an unsettlingly wide smile stretched across his face. “We didn’t come here to spy on any conversations anyway. We came because we have a favour to ask Zora over there.” Zora leaned back in her chair, eyeing the strange man. Welp, as long as taking this job pissed Moot off then it was worth it.

“...Well I’m not exactly busy right now since someone took my job. Who d’you want me to track down?” Despite this guy’s… frankly creepy demeanour, he didn’t seem like the type of person who’d hire a bounty hunter. Maybe he wanted revenge on the person who fired him from his job. He definitely looked homeless so it seemed like the most likely option. She probably wouldn’t get too much cash off the weirdo but she was sure that her prey probably had enough funds to cover him plenty.

“...Huh?” Rick tilted his head like a confused dog. “What do you mean by that?” Zora stared at the man with very unsubtle judgement. Was this guy serious? How do you walk up to a terrorist hideout, somehow make it past all the security, ask the contract killer for a favour, and not know that she murdered people for her job?! “We aren’t trying to find someone. We’re actually trying to fix something.’ Before Zora could ask what he meant by that, the pink-haired boy jumped out from behind Rick and scrounged around in man purse before pulling out a piece of wet cardboard.

“Please fix our blue eyes white dragon. It fell into a puddle on the way to my house and I wanna show Rick how to play.” The teenager begged on his knees in front of the cowboy. She stared at the card before breaking out into a hysterical laugh.

“Are you serious!?”

Giovanni looked up at her with determination is his eyes. “Very.”

“Hmm, alright! I like you two weirdos enough. However, it’s gonna cost ya.” The two young men stared at her wide-eyed before looking at each other. The pink-haired one scrambled off the floor and ran to Rick before they both whispered frantically at each other. Zora managed to pick up the name Giovanni which she assumed was the pink-haired one’s name. Rick dug through his wallet but he didn’t seem to have much cash on him. Based on the cringe from Giovanni when Rick asked him for cash, he didn’t have much either. Giovanni turned towards the table with a lot less confidence than before.

“I, uhh,” he stumbled, “Oh! My animal crossing town has really good turnip prices right now! Almost six hundred bells. We could trade you that!” Giovanni said like Zora understood a single word he just said. How the hell does this guy own a whole town? And why would she sell him turnips in exchange for bells? Why does he want that many turnips?! Zora paused before letting out a long sigh, a smirk appearing on her face.

“Look kid, you’ve got a big heart but I’m gonna have to decli-“ Zora was cut off when she felt a white glove grab her scarf and quickly pull her away from her ‘clients’.

“Listen,” Yoomtah started, her voice way more serious than Zora was used to. “I’ve got at least 500 turnips I gotta sell stat. If you turn this down, I will not hesitate to snap your spine and use it as a back scratcher~” Yoomtah sang despite the threat. Zora looked at the two goobers then looked back at the gremlin that just threatened to kill her.

“Fine, fine. I’ll fix it for ya. But only if you hand over those bells for… turnips. Seriously Yoomtah, why do you have so many of those?.” The two men’s eyes sparkled with pure joy.

“Thank you Zora! We don’t know what we would’ve done without you!” Rick shook Zora’s hand so hard she nearly fell over. Giovanni reached his hand into his purse and pulled out his switch absolutely covered in stickers, most of which appeared to have the same brand of ‘cool’ as a back-to-school lunchbox. Yoomtah pulled out her own switch which was also covered in stickers, these ones being mostly cute mascots with the most unhinged text possible underneath them. As they exchanged friend codes, Zora used her years of training and hard work to repair the drenched Yugioh card. Rick stared in awe as any damage the card has taken was reversed in the blink of an eye.

“Thank you, you just saved our whole Friday,” Rick said again. Zora waved her hand at the homeless-looking man.

“Yea yea don’t mention it… actually never mention it, ever.” Zora smiled at him with enough hidden annoyance that it might as well of be written all over her face. Rick was apparently illiterate though and politely returned her creepy smile with one of his own.

“Anddd~ done!” Yoomtah popped up from her hunched-over pose over the switch. Giovanni closed the game and headed over to Rick with a smile. Making wild gestures with his hands as he talked about how cool his work friends' switch was. They both waved goodbye as they opened the door to leave.

“HEY RICK! WANNA GO GET FOOD TOMORROW?!” Yoomtah shouted just before Giovanni could close it. “I KNOW A GOOD SEAFOOD PLACE!”

“Yes, I would love to join you! Thank you Yoomtah!” Rick shouted just as loud. And with that, the door was closed. Everyone in the room other than the tiny electric woman still trying to process what the hell just happened.

“I can’t fuckin’ believe ya just gave some RANDOM GUY the keys to the building! He could’ve just outed the entirety of Bliss Ocean damn it! Do ya realise how many cops we’d have to get rid of?”

“He’s not random though. He’s my friend there’s a difference.” Yoomtah smiled with her tongue sticking out. The two went back and forth, Zora giving Yoomtah a perfectly reasonable reason to be upset, and Yoomtah basically responding with ‘Lol stay mad’. The hooded figure with glasses let out an annoyed huff at the lack of professionalism.

“Sir, should we go after them? They present a massive risk to our operation.” She asked, trying to ignore Zora and Yoomtah’s bickering.

The boss let out a static-filled sigh. “Don’t worry, I just so happen to know these young men. They’re rather sweet but more importantly harmless. They don’t pose a threat to our plan.”

—

From outside the door, both an official and unofficial weenie talked about whatever came to mind as they walked through the terrorist organisation's halls.

“And then, just as the boyfriend thought he was going to kill her, the wind took the disguise away and revealed it was actually Len!” Giovanni blabbered about this one music video he’d seen, Rick listening intently to every word. They both walked out the front door and eventually made it to home base. Both played the card game at least thirty times and watched the rest of season one of the anime before passing out on the couch. Their dumb smiles still carrying over in their sleep.

[princejibble]

The dream started out with me trying to head to church before school. There was no seating so i stood in the back with my hands over my head, in worship (kinda) but moreso to stretch. A woman in front asked me why my hands were above my head with a snide look to my tattoo.

I answered "uh, in worship?"

She sneered at me and said something along the lines of "With that thing?" pointing to my tattoo, "You know there are children here?"

I got pissed and was like "You're distracting me and everyone else from the mass. Thanks for the pleasant experience." And left in a huff. However, I was driving two kids from church to school first. An older sister, about 8, with flowing blonde hair with a single small braid on the side and her younger brother, about 6, with short blond hair. They scurried out of the church with me, backpacks jangling on their backs reminding me to take them to school. I nodded my head towards my van, an older VW microbus with a dark turquoise base color and so many flowers and lines painted on in rainbow like I had designed it (which technically i did i guess lol) and we headed inside.

After obtaining the location from the two, we drove over to the school. It was a smaller school, like one of those old one room schoolhouses but slightly bigger. It was stuck underneath the bridge, accessible by a single exit and hidden under dense tropical foliage so the sun never shown through the windows.

We walked inside, I think I had to sign them in? Inside was strange. There were no regular school decorations, nothing store bought. The inside looked as dated as the schoolhouse itself, as if it were plucked out of time and dropped in the 21st century. Even all the students were dressed like the early 1800s, with girls in unsaturated dresses and braids, and boys in stockings. They all looked fearful and afraid, covered in scrapes with bloody fingernails. I was a bit freaked out, and the kids I was transporting also seemed alarmed. I tried to usher them out but the staff closed the door on us and we were locked inside.

In an instant, our clothes changed to match the others, and I de-aged to match the ages of the older students which were around 16-17. Obviously pissed off, I tried to confront the staff but a swift snap of a stick on my hand interrupted my speech. At once I knew, that in order to leave, I had to pass this day of class.

Everything was rigorous and proper, and students who failed to meet that criteria were forced to march into a beaming blue crystal at the front of the room, the only source of light. As they marched forward, their bodies were torn apart and they disintegrated before our eyes. Frightening.

The last thing from this scene was me and another girl rushing away from the crystal as it's light shine brighter to catch up to us, and I saw her scream and be pulled apart as my vision faded.

The next scene changed to a new Hannah Montana show without Miley Cyrus. Instead, the actors for Miley Stewart, Lily, and Oliver? Mitchell Musso's character were all different and switched out every once in a while. I was the first actress for Miley Stewart. The show was more like a skit show, with us three acting out the scene then the actors would switch with the secondaries, then back and forth. However, during one of my scenes, a flashing blue light shined before my eyes and I fell to the ground half dead. I think this is the connecting thread between the two scenes, something about the crystal half killed me, like Danny Phantom. Somehow, my body teleported to a nearby gas station near a camping ground. When my fellow actors (just the two others who acted with me, not the secondaries) and producer found me, I was failing at recovering. They helped me up, and asked what they could do. There was a sense of comraderie, like I've known them for a long time.

I explained briefly what happened to me years ago with the schoolhouse and crystal, both of which were missing. Somehow, I reasoned that if I were to fully die, I could be free from the crystal's grasp but I needed them to capture my soul and purify it before putting it back in my body. They all agreed to help despite the prospect of killing me. The producer held a gun to my head, and pulled the trigger. Out of body experience where I shot out of my body, seeing it collapse with a hole in the head. The actress for Lily held the purifying device and held it out before my vision faded to black.

Shooting back into my body, I coughed up the remaining vomit in my system as the hole in my head stitched itself up, but something was off. I still felt the crystal's grasp on me somehow, but differently. The producer and Mitchel Musso actor helped me up and frantically explained that the actress for Lily defected, breaking the purifying machine and bolting away. Somehow, this left me with strange powers, but my body wasn't in complete control. Last thing I remember before waking up was running out to find her as my body warped into different shapes.

[honey-katsu]

Garden Secrets - ao3

Summary:

After being dragged out of his apartment by Sylvain, Felix wanders to a local garden where he meets Annette for the first time. (Modern AU retelling of their C Support conversation.) Now with a podfic! Right here!

note before we begin: i am chickenKatsu on ao3. I do not give anyone the right to repost my work to another platform unless I’m asked then properly credited. Please support me on ao3 and ko-fi if you like it!

“Hey Felix, which flowers should I get Mercedes?” asked Sylvain, peering at some pink delilahs in the store window of Knightly Flowers.

“Like I’d know,” Felix scoffed. Sylvain didn't stay to hear, rushing inside to ask the employees before Felix could say anything.

Felix sighed and followed him in. He would never admit it to Sylvain, but he knew the answer to his question. Flowers were one of Felix’s favorite things; he even had a small, hidden garden at home. His roommate, Ashe, who thankfully kept his secret, helped Felix tend to the flowers and taught him everything he knew. If Sylvain knew, the torment would never end.

“Excuse me,” Sylvain tittered. “Could I get some help with picking out flowers for my girlfriend?”

The shop owner, Ingrid, rounded the corner. “Welcome to Knightly Flowers,” she said cheerily. Then she spotted the customer and her face dropped. “Again,” she added dully. “Sylvain, this is the fifth time this week.”

“I know, I know.” Sylvain leaned on the counter, resting his chin in his hands. “But she’s too perfect. I just have to give her flowers every day, you know?”

“No, I don’t.” Ingrid said unenthusiastically. She waved over to Felix, who had been meandering around the shop. “Hey, Felix. Did Sylvain drag you in here to listen to him blabber about Mercedes?”

Felix nodded and opened his mouth to say something, but Sylvain cut him off. “Yes, but that’s not the point, Ingrid. What flowers should I give her today? Last time I gave her tulips.”

“Yeah, I remember. Leonie,” Ingrid yelled to the backroom. “Grab some red and pink roses for Lover Boy over here.”

“Sure, but it will be a minute,” called Leonie. “I’m still working on Byleth’s order. I’ve got two more bouquets to go!”

Spotting a familiar name and an opportunity to be annoying, Sylvain asked, “Oh, Professor Byleth from Garegg Mach University? What did he order?”

“Too much,” sighed Ingrid. “Three flower arrangements, five bouquets, and two flower crowns. All to be packaged as a gift.”

Felix snorted, unnoticed by the two up front. Although he was close to the age of his students, Professor Byleth had managed to graduate highschool and college early. Principal Rhea of Garegg Mach University had taken a liking to him, and offered him a job at her school. The class president, Dimitri, had immediately and obviously fallen for their young teacher. And so had Byleth. Felix wasn't surprised that Byleth had bought so many flowers as a gift to Dimitri.

“Anyway, Ingridddd,” Felix heard Sylvain whine. “Let me tell you how perfect Mercedes is. Her hair is so soft and silky like sand sifting through your fingers at the beach. And her puppy eyes…”

Felix shot Ingrid a sorry look before quietly slipping out of the shop before he was forced to listen to more of Sylvain’s lovestruck babbling. He was happy that his best friend was in love, but his constant rambling could get overwhelming and tiresome. Felix didn't know how Mercedes dealt with all of it. However, she must love that part about Sylvain, too. How nice it must be, thought Felix, to be so happy every day just because you love someone. To be so overjoyed by her mere existence and to think of her all the time, never getting bored of her.

Lost in thought, Felix found himself wandering over to the local botanical garden. It was one of his favorite places to go. He didn't visit often because it reminded him of everything he lost. Lately, however, Felix discovered that surrounding himself in flowers and memories wasn’t so bad. If he did that, Glenn wouldn’t be forgotten.

Brushing his hands gingerly over the tops of bushes and across the bark of trees, Felix allowed himself to be engulfed in the past and the plants. He reminisced about when he and Glenn had caught six butterflies in one afternoon. His parents had laughed and praised the both of them for their nimble and gentle touch. 

A far-off song, so contrary to the memories that flooded his mind, snapped Felix out of his little trance.

“ Today's dinner is steak and then cake that's yummy yum…��” sang the voice, gentle as butterflies and as lighthearted as a child. “ Now it's time to fill my tummy tummy tum! ”

Enthralled, Felix followed the voice, weaving through a maze of flower patches and looming exotic trees. He found himself in front of the greenhouse. Peeking around a magnolia tree, Felix spotted the singer. In the midday sunlight, her orange hair gleamed like the warmth of fire, strung up in two little loops. She stood under a blossoming orange tree, watering the flowers beneath. Felix took a step forward. “Excuse me,” he called softly.

“ Oh, this mountain of sweets, and treats I long to eats… ” she continued, swinging her hips in one direction and watering flowers in another. She flitted around primroses like a hummingbird, gentle yet purposeful. “O h, snacks of steaks and cakes and crumbs and yums… ”

She didn't seem to hear him. Her tender voice, warm like sheep's wool and bright as the glowing sun, beckoned Felix. He had to know her name. Before he recognized what he was doing. Felix stepped out, speaking a little harsher, “I hope I'm not interrupting.”

She flinched and spun around, hiding her watering can behind her back. “Ah, um, hi. You weren’t listening, were you?”

Her rosy cheeks flushed with embarrassment as she spoke. Her eyes were as blue as hydrangeas and as wide as the cloudless sky. It took Felix a little too long to register that she was talking to him. “I, uh,” he stuttered, “heard enough to know that you're hungry.”

“No! I mean… Well, yes.” She fidgeted with her watering can. “At least tell me you didn't see the dance?”

“You have nice footwork,” Felix commented matter-of-factly. He saw this mystery girl’s face flush a shade brighter. “Get something to eat,” he continued hurriedly. “I can take over watering the plants.”

She didn't look up at Felix, mumbling, “What’s your name?”

“Uh, Felix. And yours?”

An awkwardly long silence passed between them. Felix could see her brain working and turning. Suddenly, Felix realized what he had said. Great job, Felix, he belatedly chidded himself. You don't even know this girl and you're offering to take over her job. Wait, is that her job? Does she even work here?

She was the first to break the silence. “YOU'RE EVIL, FELIX!”

“And you’re shouting,”  Felix retorted.

“You can't just.. spy on people while they're singing without even saying anything!  It’s not right!” she yelled, obviously flustered.

“I actually did call out when I was coming in,” Felix admitted. Still a little irritated at her uncalled-for insult, he added, “It's not my fault you didn't hear.”

“Well.. you need to speak louder, then!” She put her hands on her hips, pulling herself up a little taller and puffing up her cheeks a bit. Immediately, she deflated. “Ugh, this is so embarrassing…” she mumbled to herself. “And of course I was just singing some silly song I made up. Oh, come on, Annette! I should have been singing about… bears! Or swamp beasties!”

Ah, so her name is Annette , mused Felix. Fitting. Wait, what's a swamp beastie? “I didn't realize there were songs about bears and swamp beasties. But that food song seemed really close to your heart. Your stomach isn't far from your heart, after all.”

“Ugh, you are the worst !” Annette sped out of the greenhouse before Felix even had the chance to defend himself.

Huh. What was that about? Felix wondered. He picked up the watering can Annette had dropped . I guess I should give this back to her next time. He studied the colorful assortment of primroses, alstroemerias, and chrysanthemums Annette had been watering. Well, I’d better water these plants. Wouldn’t want them to get thirsty, or they might start singing, too.

[love-little-lotte]

Miss Saigon in Manila!

Here in the Philippines, even if you're not a fan of musical theatre, you'd definitely know about Miss Saigon and Lea Salonga. That's how big this show is to many people here. The last time this show was in the country was way back in 2000, with Salonga herself playing the role of Kim. It also blessed us with a full pro shot available on YouTube, giving me and my fellow Gen-Z theatre fans a glimpse of Salonga in her most acclaimed role.

Fast-forward to 24 years later, and Miss Saigon is finally back, stopping in the Philippines for their international tour. My mother has been such a huge fan of Miss Saigon. As a child, I remember her playing her Original London Cast cassette (double tapes, of course, one of each act) and singing along to "I Still Believe." In 2014, she also bought me the cast recording of the West End revival, and I used to play this a lot because I was obsessed with Eva Noblezada's voice.

So, of course, there's no way we're going to miss Miss Saigon in Manila (even if we had to travel miles and ride a plane!) Along with us was also my older brother and his girlfriend. Watching this musical with my family was so, so exciting and certainly just too much for one heart.

This is my third show in the Solaire theatre, and so far, Miss Saigon has been the first to blow me away with its production. Don't get me wrong, the Phantom's Lair from POTO and the revolving stage from Hamilton were amazing, but Miss Saigon's production was so extravagant and spectacular that my mouth was just hanging open the entire time — especially during "Kim's Nightmare." That helicopter scene was just so fricking cool.

The story itself can still be a hit or miss. While some aspects are not as offensive as the original run (changing the lyrics in The Wedding Ceremony to actual Vietnamese words, for example), the show is still far from perfect and has so many dated themes... which I fear could never be corrected properly even in the future. There's simply no way you can make productions of this musical without including the problematic parts, so I understand why some people don't like this show. However, I'd argue that the show is not a white savior story. Is Chris really a white savior if he didn't get to save Kim in the end? He's not the hero of the story. (No one is; it's a tragedy.)

Nonetheless, there are still so many things to like about Miss Saigon, especially the score. Les Misérables is one of my favorite shows of all time, but Miss Saigon's music kicks its ass any day. While Les Mis has better individual songs, Miss Saigon's overall score always brings a chill up my spine. In addition to "Kim's Nightmare," "This Is The Hour" is one of my favorite moments and that's all because of the soaring music and the ensemble.

I also enjoyed the incredible cast during our show. Everyone was superb and amazing at bringing this show to life. Abigail Adriano, who played Kim, astonished me; how that powerful voice came out of such a small girl is beyond me! She's only 19, but wow, she commanded the stage like a pro and transported the audience to another dimension with her vocal chops alone. Her versions of "You Will Not Touch Him" and "I'd Give My Life For You" were too good. Her acting was also on-point. Adriano's Kim was so gentle yet strong and fearless. My family and I also got to stagedoor (my first time!) and when we approached her, I jokingly said, "You made me cry!" to which she replied, "I'm sorry!"

I was so looking forward to watching Seann Miley Moore as the Engineer ("EnginQueer," if you will). Instead, we got Nicholas Kong, who was such a great scene-stealer! His version of "The American Dream" absolutely gagged me — and not just because of the visuals. His Engineer also reminded me so much of the Thenardiers from Les Mis than other versions I've seen: funny but also a scheming menace.

Nigel Huckle played Chris in this performance and was also terrific. See, I've never warmed up to Chris in other versions. Some Chris actors are too aggressive, and I feel like they don't really care about Ellen in Act 2. But Huckle was different; he also even actually made me feel sorry for Chris. I can feel his desperation and confusion in "Why God Why." He also shared really good chemistry with Adriano; their "Sun and Moon" was too perfect.

Another performance that I was so looking forward to was Kiara Dario, who played Gigi. I've been seeing a lot of her tweets and simply loving her theatre-girl energy so much. A homegrown Filipina talent, she showcased everything: her impressive dance moves (no wonder she's part of a girl group here in the Philippines), her vocals, and of course, her acting. I'd love to see her in another big role soon or even grace the Broadway stage.

Here are some pictures from my first stagedoor (I wish we'd had more but we got so overwhelmed and frankly, we got tired from the very long day):

Overall, just a really fun night in the theatre with my family and so many wonderful performances. Definitely one for the books!

[casspurrjoybell-17]

Heart’s Choice - Chapter 34

*Warning Adult Content*

Carlos

"Can't we talk about this?" I ask, apparently having reached the 'bargaining stage' of the hostage experience.

Ignoring my question, Rafael hauls me from the back of the van as Rexi hops from the driver's seat and slams the door.

"It doesn't have to go down this way," I say, trying to sound reasonable and not as if I'm begging for my life.

"You know how dangerous this shit can be. One misstep and it can literally go to hell. Why risk it? Besides, the cops are onto you. Skip town; take me with you. We'll work together and no one has to die."

I can only hope this last part is true and that John, at least, can use his Dracula skills and find me in time.

Unfortunately, Rexi seems unimpressed as she comes around the side of the van and pulls a small black duffle bag from under the front passenger seat.

We're parked along a utility access road, with a bramble-choked canal on one side and a chain-link fence on the other.

"You think we're stupid?" Rexi slings the bag over her shoulder and stands in front of me.

"Yeah, cutting the timeline short is risky but not as risky as missing this opportunity altogether. Too many people have died already for us to waste our chance. If it makes you feel any better, it's nothing personal, Carlito."

She pats the side of my face as she walks past and beckons to Rafael.

"Come on. Get him inside."

The nickname reminds me of my aunt.

Unfortunately, so does being forced to serve as a host during a ritual of demonic exorcism but I'd still give just about anything to see Toni right now.

Fuck... I'd give just about anything to see 'anyone' but judging from the fact 'Rex and Rafi' aren't bothering to keep their voices down, we're alone.

With one hand tight on my arm and the other holding the gun, Rafael walks me towards the fence, where Rexi pulls aside a section that appears to have been pre-cut for access.

On the other side, I can barely make out a weedy parking lot and the back of an old building.

Even in the dark, though, I recognize the abandoned theater near the edge of town.

I know about it thanks to one of my regular customers at the garage.

She belongs to the local historical society and instead of leaving her vehicle for me to work on in peace, she likes to hang around and watch.

To pass the time, she tells me things I'd almost rather go deaf than hear about, like the scandalous capers of her fellow bridge club members, how her most recent colonoscopy went and of course the daring endeavors of the Spring Lakes Historical Society.

This theater came up a lot.

It was one of the last small places to go under when the big multiplex moved in and the historical society bought it in the hopes of preserving the building, which is over a century old.

They intended to rent it out to performing arts groups and schools or some shit like that, until they found out there was lead in the paint and asbestos in the walls, after which its doors shut for good.

The surrounding area is as abandoned as the theater, home to a partly defunct rail depot, an empty lot, an old postal building and some county offices, which go dark and silent as a graveyard at five p.m. on the dot.

At this time of night, I might as well be in space for all the people who would hear me scream.

Giving me a shove, Rafael nods at the gap in the fence.

"Through. And don't try anything or I'll break your fucking legs."

Shaking him off, I duck through the opening.

As Rafael's jacket snags on the snipped links and he stops to untangle himself, I briefly consider making a break for it.

They're planning to kill me, anyway... at least I'd have a say in how.

My courage fails me though and I stand like an obedient idiot as Rafael makes it through and re-establishes his grip on my arm... as if I've any place to run now, unless I want to play 'ring around the building' within the confines of the fence.

Rexi comes last, letting the piece of fence fall back into place with a rattle and as Rafael drags me along towards a set of concrete steps leading up to the theater's back door, she extracts a set of keys from her duffel and takes the lead.

"So, Lucille was a member, too, wasn't she?" I say, eying the set of keys while Rexi fumbles for the right one in the dark.

"I remember now. Barbara thought she was a bitch. Didn't like her much."

"What are you talking about?" Rafael mutters, shifting impatiently as Rexi tries a key, fails to open the door and tries another.

"Hurry up with that, Rex."

I realize he's nervous as I continue my ramble.

"The historical society. Lucille was a member. That's how you have the keys."

"Should have the keys," Rexi murmurs, trying yet another.

"Fuck. Why are there so damn many?"

"'Cause the stupid bitch keep 'em all on one ring," Rafael says.

"Like, all the keys to everything. She said it was labeled."

"Well, I can't fuckin' read in the fuckin' dark, Raf," Rexi snaps, turning and thrusting the keys at him.

"You try. We're wasting time."

"You're wasting time," Rafael grumbles, handing her the gun and taking her place.

He pulls out his cell-phone and uses the light to examine the tiny label on the head of each key.

"If you got the keys, why cut the fence? Why not just unlock the gate?" I ask.

They're both on edge and maybe if I can keep them talking, their sibling rivalry will give me an opportunity or at least stall them and give John a better chance of finding me in time.

"Because the third ritual requires preparation," Rafael says distractedly.

"Couple weeks of it. There are security cams facing the street. Just one on the front of this building but more on the places opposite. It was easier to go around back."

Rexi laughs derisively.

"Keep telling yourself that. If we'd gone with my plan and pretended to be contractors, we could have performed all three rituals here and Lucy could still be alive.

"Contractors do actual work, Rex," Rafael returns, having found the correct key and struggling to open the door.

"Besides, nobody's nosier than a bunch of old biddies with nothing better to do with their time than attend... historical society meetings. Someone would have noticed and come... poking around."

He grunts as he finally gets the door open, yanking it ajar on rusted hinges.

In the effort, he drops the keys.

They land with a dull jangle and he swears and bends down to pick them up.

The keys slide away from his reach as if kicked by an invisible foot and as my breath fogs in a suddenly chilled pocket of air, I realize I'm not alone after all. Kyle.

"What the fuck?" Rafael reaches for the keys again, in that split second, my body takes over where my rational brain failed me and I take the chance and kick him in the head.

With a howl of pain, he topples to the side, clutching his face.

At the same time, I shove Rexi almost by accident, off balance from the kick but I take her by surprise and she falls against the rusty rail.

She goes over, dropping the short distance to the ground and landing with a thud.

Unfortunately, she never let go of the gun and now another decision freezes me, go for the weapon or run.

Rexi makes the choice for me when a bullet sparks off the metal door an inch from my head.

She recovered fast.

Rafael isn't down for the count either, despite the blood pouring from his nose and makes a grab for my leg.

I dance back a step as I would from a striking snake and then... astounding myself more than anyone... stomp hard on his arm.

He yowls like a scalded cat and curls in on himself, cradling the limb to his chest and I bolt past him and into the theater as another bullet narrowly misses me.

"Stop shooting, you stupid cunt," Rafael screams, pain making his voice shrill.

"We need him alive."

"Not for long we don't," Rexi replies coldly.

I yank the door shut and fumble blindly for a lock but it's got one of those push bars instead of a handle on this side and I can't find a deadbolt.

Thankfully, it's one of those doors that locks automatically when closed and I hear Rexi swear on the other side.

Still, they've got the key and it won't take them long to get it open again.

I've bought myself thirty seconds, at most.

Backing away from it, I blink in the nearly complete darkness of the theater, shaking with adrenaline and with panic burning my chest.

"Kyle?" I whisper. "A little help, buddy?"

A flicker of light catches the corner of my eye and I turn.

My vision, already adapted to the night outside, adjusts a little further, allowing me a dim glimpse of the building's interior.

The door through which I'd come is located at the bottom of the auditorium, which is bigger than most modern theaters and probably sat several hundred people at a time.

Built in the days when it was fifty-fifty whether there'd be a film or a live performance showing on a Friday night, there's an old wooden stage in front of the movie screen.

The seats have been ripped out but the rows of skeletal metal frames remain, aligned in three columns ascending on a gentle slope above the stage, on which I see the source of the light in a single, flickering candle.

Jogging towards it, I inhale dusty air and cough, praying I live long enough to worry whether or not I'm breathing asbestos.

I mount the side steps to the stage and stop in my tracks.

The polished dark planks, worn smooth by decades of feet treading the boards, are covered by a huge, incredibly complex seal... circles within circles, cut by intersecting lines that form many-pointed stars, with arcane symbols in the spaces the shapes form.

Candles ring the seal, placed at the points of a many-armed star but only one is lit.

Rafael wasn't kidding about preparations... this must have taken weeks to complete and I see now why they chose the theater.

Finding a place for a seal this big, where it wouldn't be discovered or disturbed by people, animals or the elements, couldn't have been easy.

A chill spreads through my body like poison in my blood as I study it.

It's a real gate seal... one that opens a portal to another realm and now the Morellis' crazy plan makes sense.

They're not just planning to exorcize the demon... they're planning to literally send it and me with it... to hell.

Or a hell. Somewhere unpleasant, for sure.

I wouldn't bet my soul on tropical beaches and beautiful men bringing me free drinks for eternity, anyway.

The door screeches open, protesting on its rusty hinges and Rex and Rafi enter, Rafi with his outer shirt bunched against his bleeding nose.

They spot me immediately, thanks to the candle and Rexi raises the gun.

"Rex, no," Rafael grabs her arm and yanks it down.

"The seal."

I look down at the intricate design at my feet and realize what he means.

Even if they cleaned it, one drop of blood across the wrong line could mean disaster.

I move around to the top of the seal, where the single candle burns, thinking I understand why Kyle drew me to it and pick it up.

There's a good pool of melted wax around the wick and wax will take even more time to clean than blood.

"Don't come any closer," I call, holding the candle aloft.

"Or I'll ruin it."

"Ruin it and we'll kill you," Rexi returns.

"This is a lose-lose situation for you. Just give up."

I shake my head.

"At least this way, you lose, too."

"Fine."

"Rex, no," Rafael lunges for her but not before she gets off a shot.

The bullet strikes my left shoulder and I stagger back a pace.

The candle flies through the air and lands in the center of the seal, rolling in a circle.

Wax splatters everywhere.

I fall to my knees, Rafael and Rexi's shouts a distant ringing in my ears, while another voice comes through loud and clear.

"Mr. Martinez?"

Raising my eyes, I see Kyle's ghostly form standing on the opposite side of the seal.

Maybe because I'm close to the other side myself now, I see the energy in the seal, too.

It glows like pale blue fire along the lines and those interrupted by drops of wax flicker like a faulty neon sign.

Kyle flickers, too and suddenly he's right in front of me.

"Use it."

"Use it?"

My eyes widen.

Kyle is right. With the seal compromised, the demon could come through easily enough but it won't be held for long.

Raf and Rex wouldn't stand a chance.

On the other hand, they'd talked about the demon like it meant the end of the world.

Could I risk that for the sake of my own life?

"Trust me."

Kyle extends his hand.

Trust a ghost?

Sure, given the alternative.

In the peripheral of my already shadowy vision, I see Rafael and Rexi mount the steps of the stage, moving towards me as if in slow motion.

They can't see Kyle, of course... they think I'm just sitting here, bleeding and in shock, which isn't entirely untrue.

Looking up, I meet Kyle's unnervingly black gaze, which is like staring into the depths of space.

Do I really want to know what's out there?

Do Rex and Rafi really know what they're dealing with?

'Fuck around and find out,' I think to myself and then I take Kyle's hand.

[amassgraveofsaints]

start somewhere

as i write this, it's june 18th, 2023.

mom is out on a business trip, dad is asleep, not for long though as he has to wake up in a few minutes.

it's my friend's birthday, and while the day is young and it's a worthwhile reason to celebrate, this is the lowest i've been in a while.

i was supposed to go to new york with my dad last night, my idea of an early father's day gift, however earlier he fell and hit his head on a table. thankfully, he's okay, though it did put a scare on me and a damper on my mood for a good portion of the day.

he's still in high spirits, eager to care for his youngest as always, and just as ready to go to work like every other day, and i can't blame him. can't let small mistakes ruin your mood.

i feel as though i'm wired different from most, though. either that or all those small mistakes are piling up, as when i walked alone for the first time in years to the supermarket, everything just... hit me.

i remember when, too. 6:45pm; an hour and 15 minutes before aew collision, and around the time the first openers were to come on at that show.

maybe it was the music. maybe it was the situation i found myself in. maybe it was the loneliness. maybe it was the shoes, which i had bought for that concert and i saw as a reminder of how much my parents love me in spite of the stupid shit i ask of them daily.

i looked tired on the outside, and i was looking for tea, so to the passerby, i'd probably just look like i was looking for a pick-me-up. internally, all of my fears, sins, and bad memories had come back with a vengeance.

there's way more negative i can say about myself than positive, but there's only so much time in the world for me to bring it all up, and the one thing i hate worse than myself is how little time there is in the world.

i can't spend forever looking back or looking forward. and yet i despise looking at the now. the past looks empty, the future looks like nothing, and the present looks even lesser than both.

but this doesn't stop the clock from ticking. and ticking. and ticking.

midnight always comes one way or another, no matter what we do.

and so the clock moved, and yet as it moved i forgot everything i did in that supermarket.

i got my stuff and left, and everything else is a blur.

i got home at around 7:58, eager to watch aew collision with my dad in lieu of the concert. i gave him the father's day gift i was to give him today then and there, and he embraced me for a hug.

aew collision began, and we watched. and as i watched, all my fears had vanished.

dm's from friends rolled in as one spectacle happened that night after another. me and my dad were ecstatic at the big spots.

it didn't fully hit me, but i understood at that moment, something i probably won't understand again in my life.

time is finite, and ever crawling. one day we will be here, the next we won't. make the most of things that disrupt your pattern. spend what you have with people you care about. chess, or a funny co-op game, or watching tabloid news shows/pro wrestling together. even if it's only for a little bit, or if it's mundane, cherish it.

as i write this, it's june 18th, 2023.

it's 4:50 am, dad is asleep. he's only slept a handful of hours due to caring for me amidst mom not being here, and yet the couple of times he woke up he's still got a smile on his face and a thumb pointed upwards.

it's my friend's birthday, a day we started off with by playing chess and cod at the same time, many a laugh to be had before she went to sleep.

i'm alone in my bed. i feel nothing like the alone i was at the supermarket.

i'm 20.

my friend is 20.

my mom is 53, 54 this wednesday.

my dad is 47, 48 next month.

the clock moves.

i know our time is finite, but for now at least, all i see is "today after today after today".

tomorrow, at night, mom will be back from her business trip and things will be back to normal, most likely.

uncle wakes up to go to work at 4:50pm, dad comes home at 5:30pm, i watch inside edition at 7pm, and the occasional chat with my online friends throughout.

last night was an outlier, as dad was off work the whole day and it's the first time since february me and him spent the whole day together.

that time we went to a concert.

this time we didn't.

there's more chances, and i won't let this roadblock fuck my day up for now.

even as things go back to business as usual, i will, at least for a couple of days, learn to appreciate today for what it is. maybe even convince dad to go to a concert next week just for us to make up for it.

will he agree? probably not.

but if not, then at least i'll have a newfound appreciation for the time we all spend together.

after all, you never know when the clock will stop unti

[anxiety-thyme]

Let’s talk about depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder. 

I know a lot of people struggle with it. Some more than others. In my family it is really bad, as in my mom moved to Florida because her doctor was worried that some winter soon she would not make it through.

I was talking to my therapist about it yesterday. Every year we prepare for this long dark night of my soul. I’m going to share how we approach it in hopes that it is helpful for someone here.

Our plans include:

Setting reminders/alarms for things that require habits but that you struggle continuing to do. Mine include: taking my medication, eating, taking showers, standing up to walk around the house. I struggle with getting out of bed during the winter so that one is super important for me, and honestly it doesn’t always work but sometimes it does and that is better than nothing. I live and die by these alarms year round. I even have one set nightly at 8:30pm that just says ‘mental health check in’. It is when I stop and think about how I’m feeling. Is it better or worse than yesterday? Do I need to talk to someone? Did I get out of bed today?

Find a hobby/hobbies that are low effort but that you enjoy and set goals around them. For instance, once a week (minimum) I will work on a project I have going at the moment. Depending on what stage I am in the project, I can do it from bed and those parts that I can’t, are still ‘at home’ things which helps a lot. For me, finding hobbies where I use my hands and make things gives a sense of accomplishment that gives me a small glow for a few days

Do what you can to remove as many barriers as possible from what you need to do. For instance, see if your therapist will do remote sessions. If I had to leave the house I wouldn’t be able to do it. If you take medication, keep it wherever you will be when you need to take it, like on your nightstand or desk including vitamin D

If you are a tv person, find shows that release episodes weekly so you have something to look forward to. Same with reading. Thank you writers and artists for anime and fanfic. If that isn’t your jam find something that is. I have stupid stuff that helps me a lot. On Fridays I get to have a coke, On Sunday mornings, my spouse makes me get out of bed so we can walk and get coffee

Find other, larger things you can look forward to to get you through the rough patches - preferably with someone who can make sure you do it. I struggle the most in Jan/Feb/Mar because there isn’t anything inherently to look forward to like the holidays. This year I bought tickets to go see my sister in June and we are going to a concert together. I haven’t decided what my Feb/March plan is yet but that was my homework from my therapist this week.

If you live with someone and your relationship allows for it ask them to make sure you get some physical contact in. That could be hugs, sitting on the couch with your head in their lap, even sitting shoulder to shoulder is better than nothing

Make sure there is someone who knows to check in with you regularly if you don’t have someone, find someone and make sure they have a way to contact you that isn’t online

Lighting can make a big difference. I don’t find ‘happy lamps’ terribly useful though a lot of people do. Instead all of the lights in my house are on the cooler end of the spectrum, so very white rather than the more yellow side.

I recognize I’m privileged that I can even do some of these things. And I know these things will in no way cure your SAD, like, trust me I KNOW. But they help me a little and even a little is massive during the dark season.

A lot of these are things I have to do year round to manage my depression in general but this is a time to look at my list and make sure that I am still doing those things and to adjust if I need to.

Please, please take time to prepare and put a plan in place because once you are in the hole it is incredibly hard to get yourself out of it.

[noys-boise]

putting this under readmore because it's long

like. okay this would require some school traditions to be explained which i can't bother to properly do but. we had the annual campaign except I'm pretty sure school just started? in my dream? it's supposed to be february at EARLIEST but there's been times it was in MAY. why was it just one class (even though the rest of them still happened but no one cared about them) WHY was their stand on the 11th floor (we don't have that many and in my dream there was still no elevator or anything) why did my classmates seem to mysteriously disappear when i entered WHY WERE THERE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE KIDS THERE why did the classroom become open like no roof when i entered. and why was campaign on one day in a classroom where this class' stand was normally it's not one day and there's DEFINITELY no stands in any classrooms) the whole thing was off. also the food was store bought instead of hand made that's very unusual as well. and THEN they made us stand up and march to a children's song (this part isn't as weird there legitimately is a children's song to march to in hungary) the weird part is by the time i wanted to sit down there were these construction workers?? at every desk with ladders (even in my dream i kind of went "haha game changer deja vu reference which is the most realistic part so far. i would do that.) which is weird because like i said there was no roof at this point. and it made sitting down near impossible and they just ignored us.

at this point i texted my mom that I'm running late which is funny because it must've been like. 7 pm at this point. she did not reply at all. and i only left half an hour later at which point i realized that leaving the school somehow led to a completely different place that is not where leaving the school is supposed to lead me?? i started navigating with google maps and it actually seemed to work (i don't know what to make of the random woman that ran out of a building that was next to the school in my dream and clearly was trying to hide) i had to cross a small river that had a bridge and it was kind of hard but i managed. then i saw my mom with some guy she was as apparently following somewhere but then the guy kind of disappeared and we were at a train station. which again makes no sense. it would not make sense for us to go by train i live half an hour from the school right now none of this makes sense. then another train went by not the one we were supposed to get on and an announcer voice said we need to go to the train conductor immediately like us two by name. and my mom said to just ignore it. then 5 minutes later we heard it again and it said we broke some train law?? but my mom said this has happened to her before and we can just ignore it.

our train came and she must've been right because there were never any consequences to our apparent train crimes.

we then went to a mall and let me remind you it must've been at least 8 pm at this point it's absolutely wild that anything was even open let alone that we would decide to shop at this point. so anyways we went to get more of my medicine but the cashier was so confused?? by my medicine?? i think she thought it's some kind of dark magic or something because she kept saying things like "how did you get such powerful medicine..." and "you know this will stay with you for 10 years right..." and it was really uncomfortable. then she asked how many I take and i said 2 (i don't know why, i only take one per day) and then she tried to literally just give me two pills?? I'm supposed to get 30 in one pack?? at which point i had the realization that she thinks i literally take the same pill every day and then spit it out or something. and then my autistic instinct won because i just yelled out "um, actually, I'm supposed to get the entire pack!" and i remember being so smug about it for some reason i think i just enjoyed being able to do a dropout reference without anyone noticing.

and THEN my mom took me to some weird store where a video was playing on a screen and i truly don't know how to explain this video. the background of it was this store itself (which btw was full of plants) and it was very hazy and random people kept appearing and the screen showed their name and pronouns while they said "i wanted to be [thing] because [reason] but then i decided to instead [something else] and then there would be a sparkle effect and a lot of times their pronouns changed which sometimes was related to what they said but sometimes not a lot of it was related to being trans.

it was like. "i wanted to use fae/faer but instead i decided to use hee/theem!" "i wanted to be a she/her but instead i decided to just dress differently!" and my personal favorite "i wanted to be a ballerina because i wanted something that would make me uncomfortable and take up a lot of my time but instead i decided to start owning snakes because of the same reason!!"

and at this point i didn't know what my mom's intentions were. I thought it was something transphobic but then she said "this video is relatable because it talks so much about choice like when my ex boyfriend cheated on me and i decided to move out of the country!" she just dropped that on me without any explanation.

and then i seriously started thinking through the day and instead of any of the surreal things i just mentioned my dream brain fabricated a fake memory of me in biology class where the biology teacher was telling a story and i was half asleep and i thought she was talking about herself in third person and somehow THAT'S what made me realize this is a dream. at which point i told my mom "this day isn't real" very matter of factly. and then i woke up.

what the FUCK was my dream it was an entire journey that left me in universe saying "this day isn't real" well it wasn't.