#sh: burning with love mad with sadness

[sl003]

SESE's Fic Recs Part 2 (ATEEZ)

Hi and hello! Today, i present to you the second part of my fic recs because i spend waaaay too much time reading stuff on here when i should be working on my own stories, hahah :) I just have so many ideas that it's hard to stick with one, you know?

Anyway, it's the same as before, the fics will be sorted by members, my all time favourites are marked with a "♡". And as this one is a bit shorter than the previous one, you can be sure that this one will be updated from time to time.

You can find the first part here:

SESE's Fic Rec (ATEEZ)

And as you can probably notice by these fic recs, i'm a sucker for long ass fics, i just love them so much! (no hate to shorter fics, they're just as good!!!)

Warning: Some of the fics will have a bit of "commentary" from me below them, these might contain spoilers for the fics, just so you've been warned.

Once again, a giant thank you to all the incredibly skilled and talented authors out there for creating these masterpieces!!! <3 You deserve all the love for doing what you do and allowing us to read and take part in that!

And because I have a habit for reading and recommending a lot of fics from the same authors, i'll just tag them once in this even if there's more than one fic. hope that's okay :)

Anyway, have fun reading!!!

PS: if any of the links are wrong or don't work, feel free to tell me so i can try and fix it.

KIM HONGJOONG

Philoselene - @ncteez (6.2k)

alt!stoner!hj x kinda!detached(?)!reader

♡ It Can't Be That Hard - @seung-hwa (12k)

brother's best friend!hj x reader / college au / exes to lovers

i'm a sucker for the "brother's best friend" trope, so it was already quite clear that i was going to love this. and well, i was right with my suspicion. the dynamic between all the characters is just so *chef's kiss*. i kinda felt bad for yunho, though... that guy has been sneaking his way into my heart lately, so no surprise there... (i mean the thing with the knitted hat? so damn cute!)

Cry For Me - @yeostinys (3 parts)

ceo!hj x secretary!r

this is normally not a plot that i read very often, but this was so incredibly good, oh wow. reader is really a bit of a crybaby, but like in a so not annoying way, you know? i loved it, read it.

♡ I'll Let The World Burn - @koyagifs (3.4k)

dragon rider!hj x dragon!r

this was such an interesting read because reader is a dragon in this one. but i love how their close bond was portrayed and it was so sad... i was this close to crying, i'm telling you. but i loved every second of it.

PARK SEONGHWA

Where Water Turns To Flame - @sungbeam (6.1k)

dragon!sh x dragon!r

♡ Playing With Fire - @ateezmakemeweep (5 parts)

(kinda)sugar daddy!sh x daughter's bff!r

hoooly shit. this was a rollercoaster. a real good rollercoaster. the relationship between the reader and seonghwa is so sweet and hot at the same time. (tbh, during the time eunbi and mrs. park were mad pissed at reader, i was kinda on their side, because if i was in their shoes, i'd be as well, but like i get the reader too, cause it's hwa) and i also love the dynamic between reader and eunbi, especially after the whole shitshow that went down, when eunbi is chill with reader and seonghwa's relationship, it's so hilarious.

JEONG YUNHO

Love Again - @xomakara (6.1k)

single!dad!y x single!mom!r

Guerrilla - @sorryimananti-romantic (27k)

doctor/serial killer!yh x crime author!r

♡ You Can Run But You Can't Hide - @bvidzsoo (25.8k)

vampire hunter!yh x vampire!r

i've been a little vampire fanatic since i was a child, so i really like vampire tropes. and i've especially come to like the vampire x vampire hunter pairing (probably cause of my love for enemies to lovers). the tension between them is crazy and i love it. the detail that did it for me though is the one with feeling pleasure from the biting and drinking from each other. i remember that i've read something with that a very long time ago, and it stuck with me since then. so finally seeing this in a fic again was sooo cool, it's just so intimate. and the small cameos (if you can call it that) of mingi and seonghwa? so tragic, yet so sweet.

Summer's Dive - @santheestallion (30k)

brother's bff!yh x reader

i've actually only read the first part to this, somehow i haven't gotten to read the other two (i think it's two other parts?). until now i totally loved it, and i'm sure the other parts are just as good, i'll have to read them as soon as possble!

KANG YEOSANG

♡ Don't Lean On Me - @sweetinsaniiity (27k)

tsundere!outcast!ys x semi-stalker!r

i'm writing this one day after i read it for the first (and the second) time (11.01.25) and holy shit. in my previous fic rec i've stated that "entropy" (also a ys fic) is my all time fav fic, well this one just tied with it, if it has not even surpassed it (no hate to entropy, it will always have a special place in my heart), cause this is incredible. i love these type of fics and the way yeosang was portrayed here made me feel some type of way (in the best way possible). the small details and gestures from him, oh my god. seriously, if you're as yeosang biased as i am, you definitely need to read this. or just read it anyway, i'll force you if i have to <3

A World In Your Colours - @ bvidzsoo

daycare teacher!ys x florist!r (soulmate au)

CHOI SAN

Stay Focused - @beginningofwonderland (12.5k)

office worker!san x uni student!r

SONG MINGI

My Way - @ sorryimananti-romantic (18k)

guard!mg x princess!r

Orange Soda - @atozfic (13.4k)

single!dad!mg x reader / fwb to lovers

By Her Side - @arilevenatz (8.5k)

bodyguard!mg x princess!r (modern royalty)

i've never read anything like this before. obviously the bodyguard x princess trope is pretty common (and i eat it up every time) but not in the way this was made (with the age gap and all). when i read the summary, i was a bit unsure but i knew i just had to read it, and i was not disappointed. their relationship is so sweet and this fic? AMAZING. and as i'm writing this i'm realizing that i've literally just recommended two mingi fics with this trope, well what can i say? bodyguard!mingi is just *chefs kiss*

♡ Love Me Like A Rockstar - @ bvidzsoo (15 chapters)

uni student/local rockstar!mg x uni student!r

oh dear, i can't even begin to describe. as you can probably tell here, mingi has been on my mind a lot. and this series, wow. i've read this in one evening, i was so invested. tbh, reader was unnecessarily rude to mingi a lot, but like i get it because of her past (though letting it out on mingi wasn't really cool of her, i mean, it wasn't his fault). but seriously, this story is so amazing. from the detail of her suddenly starting to draw mingi instead of yunho to how mingi just suddenly starts being nice to her even if she's still behaving like a jerk. and just when their friendship (love their texting, by the way) starts to progress, reader goes and pulls that shit? i was hooked. and i also was totally on seulgi's side for a second when she called just to shit on reader hahah. anyway, such an amazing and sweet story!!! <3

JUNG WOOYOUNG

coming soon ... (i need to read more about him again, this is my sign)

CHOI JONGHO

♡ (Not) Another Love Song - @yourlocaljonghoe (11.5k)

uni student!jh x uni student!r (roommates to lovers)

her basically only being able to sleep when she listens to jongho's covers on youtube? so cute. and how socially awkward she is? it felt so relatable, because honestly? i'm the same way. normally, i enjoy reading fics with a more confident reader (something that i'm not, but i like to pretend) but it also feels so amazing to read something with a socially awkward reader like here. and the way he covers the song she was talking about to him just like a day earlier?? now that, folks, is love.

POLY/MULTIPLE

♡ Compass Of The Heart - @velvetvisionsaurora (ongoing series)

pirate au // hj x r / sh x r / mg x r / yh x r / wy x r

oh my god. this story is so precious to me you don't understand. the scenes from when they were children? i could have cried. and the way each of the boys has a nickname for her is so cute. and i'm such a sucker for her relationship to mingi. i love the way he is written as like the guy that doesn't talk much and the deep connection between them is so sweet. and generally the way everyone treats her, i love it. i get so excited everytime a new chapter of this gets posted.

Hope you enjoyed these, because i certainly did!!

'Til then, bye bye <3

-Sese

[scekrex]

TW(If you dont want to do it it's completely fine)

Can you do a adam x male reader where the reader is depressed because his life when he was living was shit and he thought it would be better but it still haunts him, and he starts to date adam and a few months into dating Adam saw reader SH and gets all sad but becomes more protective of reader and explains to reader how much he loves him and he bandages reader and they cuddle together(I love your writing BTW, you don't have to do this if you think it's shit)

I absolutely do not think it's shit, I hope I did it justice - as a person who suffers from depression myself this kinda is/was my view on the world. Really hope it's to your liking :3

Burning, I feel it too

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, hurt/angst, suicidal thoughts, self harm

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

With him around, heaven seemed brighter. With him around your past life felt less heavy, the burdens you carried were easier to lift and he seemed to bring a reason to all of existence.

But when Adam wasn’t around for a couple hours, the world turned dark again, like he was purposely taking all the bright colors and the joyful emotions with him when he left. The burdens turned insanely heavy again, unable for you to lift, let alone carry on your shoulders and every reason that caused you to take step after step was gone. Adam knew your life had been a dark pit of hopelessness and tiredness. There had been nothing that held you, what was holding you now? A single person and that person wasn’t even yourself how it should have been. It was Adam.

Heaven, the paradise of afterlife that everybody dreamed of, not you though. You just wanted to rest, not continue to suffer above earth in another world. You wanted peace and quiet, eternal rest. But that had been denied, not only by God, but also by Adam. The first man was worried about you and while others thought of it as cute, you felt like a burden to him by making him worry so much. He cared, that you were aware of, he let you not only hear you about it, no, he also showed you that he cared about you. And that caused the clouds that covered your view to lift temporarily. But once Adam left - even if it was just the room - the clouds came back, painting the worlds in black, white and gray again until he came back.

Extermination days were the worst, not only was your partner gone the entire day, no, he was also at risk of getting injured, maybe even killed. Who was there to promise you that Adam would make it out alive? And what would you do if Adam wouldn’t make it out? If Lute would come back alone, nothing but his halo in her hand that she would hand over to you as proof. Would it hurt? Would it hurt worse than the pain you inflict on yourself?

You flicked the lighter on and for a short moment you watched the flame dance in front of your eyes, then you moved the lighter close to your thigh until the flame licked on your skin, the burn that followed felt save, it felt like coming home after a long trip, it welcomed you with open arms and you were so used to it that you closed your eyes and enjoy the silence the pain brought. That was a thing you had missed so much, the silence in your mind that pain brought with it whenever you invited it to visit you. You had been so lost in the quietness that you hadn’t heard the door to the bedroom slamming open. Your eyes cracked open when the lighter was harshly ripped from your trembling fingers, the usually so calming voice of your boyfriend was now the reason for you to flinch away from his body, “What the fuck are you doing?” He sounded mad and you hated the way anger made his voice sound. Why was Adam back already? Was it already that late, had you lost track of time again? Did it even matter if he was back earlier?

Paralyzed you watched as he pulled you off the bed, you weren’t reacting to his words at all, not because you didn’t want to, but because you found yourself unable to. The brunette pushed you flush against his body, you felt the soft golden feathers that wrapped around your nude body to shield you and just like before, there was silence in your head - not because of any pain, but because of Adam. Adam, who had returned the colors to your world, Adam, who was drowning you with his body warmth. “I don’t want to fucking lose you,” he mumbled against your head as he buried his face in your hair. He spun the both of you around slowly, then he let himself fall backwards onto the soft mattress of your shared bed, pulling you with him. “You can’t fucking leave me too, I- for fucks sake Y/N, you can’t fucking-” he interrupted himself and it was only then that you felt the salty tears that were streaming down his cheeks. “I don’t fucking want you to-” he tried again but failed yet again, a sob fell from his lips and you couldn’t help but hate your self for making him feel that way. Adam deserved better, you had tried to explain that to him ever since the both of you had started dating. Yet the brunette had always disagreed. “Please,” he whispered and his voice sounded so unusually broken it tore you apart from the inside. You hated the way it voice was able to sound so unstable, so broken, so sad. You hated that you had caused Adam to feel that way within seconds. “I fucking love you, Y/N,” he mumbled, clearly out of words. You knew he wanted to scream and yell, that he wanted answers. And he knew screaming and yelling would only push you further away from him and that you’d give him answers once you were ready to. So he bit back all the questions he wanted to ask you, all the things he wanted to get off his chest and placed a soft kiss on your head instead. “I’m sorry for being such a mess,” you whispered quietly and maybe, secretly, you hoped it had been too quiet for him to hear. But it hadn’t been, “You’re not, babes, you’ll never fucking be.” But the both of you knew that wasn’t true, that he was lying. You were not only ruining your own mental health but also his. It was only a matter of time until Adam would either drop you or fall into the same hole you were already sitting in.

[s1dssn0rtinggl1tt3ragain]

No one ever talks about this when it comes to SH

Okay so when I got caught c4tting back in 6th grade everyone was reasonably really concerned and thought I wanted to kms and I remember everytime I would relapse my parents would be so mad with me and my dad would often ridicule me for my scars and whatnot but I never did it because I wanted to die I was just addicted to feeling that sensation yk? It releases a chemical high and I love it. Plus I never really did it because I was sad, I was just in a really bad spot mentally and I would often do it because I was super frustrated and had too many emotions built up plus c4tting is not the only form of SH and I wish people would realize that it's also burning yourself, pulling out hair, picking at yourself, purposely letting wounds get infected, purposely running into things to get hit, constantly consuming bad things, letting your body fail, etc, etc. I just hate when people only think SH is c4tting I just want awareness raised about it. I hope this made sense I don't really feel like putting punctuations and what not.

[perpetualexistence]

Alley Cats AU: What Izzy Did

Ditzy Izzy was her first nickname.

She got it in elementary school. Her teachers would call her in from recess and she'd have to be dragged back to school each time. They put her in the front of the line every year when the school nurse held the listening test.

She kicked her legs as she tapped the headphones each time.

Listening wasn't her problem. Her problem was that her teachers never had enough to say.

Why bother listening to people who would go on and on and on about the same thing over and over when she got it on the first try? It was much more fun to play around. Learn from the trees instead. Let loose all that energy they were trying to stifle. Climb up and watch people. Much more fun to watch than to listen. She learned a lot that way.

No one else got it. They'd call her a ditz and move on.

It wasn't until she bit her first kid that her parents bothered to show up at school.

It wasn't her fault, of course. No matter how he tried to whine that he was just trying to get his ball back. She'd been playing a Warrior guarding the Moonstone. It wasn't fun always by herself, so she jumped at the chance to play when he approached. Then he tried to steal it away from her. What other choice did she have?

Her parents didn't see it that way. Which wasn't fair, because they never saw much of her anyways. They left her to be raised by her mom. Her real mom. The one who was actually grandma. She was too old to do much of anything besides watching her. But she was the one taking care of her while her parents were away and telling her to keep them being away the family secret. So grandma was Mom, her parents were Her Parents, her dad was That Guy (whoever he happened to be that week), and her mom was A Good Mom if Anyone Asked.

It led to the creation of Flee the Freak. Izzy chased, and they ran. She didn't see much difference between her laughter and their screaming. The other kids liked it a lot too. They must have. They never stopped playing.

Even when she wasn't chasing.

This continued into middle school. Same students, same games. But now there were more options. Electives were a thing now!

She chose marching band. It'd surely be the most fun. She'd get to walk around, make noise, AND no one would get mad at her for it? A bonus! Sure she had to do things like 'follow the sheet music'. And she did, because you can't really get kicked out of recess but you can get kicked out of band.

But there was still room for more excitement.

With a baton from cheerleading tryouts (their loss, she would have totally killed nationals), and a stolen lighter from her Dad of the Week, she had everything she needed.

One burned living room later, Izzy was starting to regret something for the first time in her life.

She didn't even know her mom could still scream that loud. Didn't know she could move that fast. So much still left in that frail body.

They were okay. The old woman made sure of that.

Until Izzy shared how fun it'd been to see her still have that fire in her. The same as the fire that had been around her.

That earned her a trip to fire setter school, to work that habit out of her.

Which. Was fine, she guessed.

They went on and on about how fire was bad. Which wasn't true, because fire wasn't good or bad. It just was, and wanted to do its best to keep going.

They tried to get at 'the root of her love for arson'. Asking so many personal questions and clearly fishing for answers. If they weren't going to respect her, then she wouldn't respect them.

Like always, no one ever wanted to listen to Izzy. Except this time they really could keep her forever if she didn't behave.

So, fine.

She could play at being normal.

Her sob story was about a family who didn't love her and a fire that did. How she longed to see the world burn because deep down she was just a sad, miserable angel.

They bought it. Hook, line, and sinker.

There were only two things she learned from that program:

How to rig a proper explosive.

She really loved acting.

And, then, finally high school hit.

Everything was new, and bright, and vast. She could lose herself here. Not that she would ever want to. Everything was different.

She didn't stick with the normal schtick for too long. Not that she couldn't have. She was an expert when she wanted to be. It'd just be for too long, be too boring.

Anything had to be better than boring.

Flee the Freak looked different this time. No more running and screaming. It was whispers, this time. From teens older and teens her age who knew her in middle school. The stories spread like fire.

Izzy, the feral. Izzy, the arsonist. Izzy, the psycho hosebeast.

She could laugh it off. She always did. Words only mean as much as you let them. She wouldn't let these words break her.

Wherever she went, conversation stopped. She'd fill up the void. She did enjoy going on and on, even if the looks on their faces meant no one else did. She'd throw herself into a group if no groups would let her in.

It was fun to see which response she'd get this time.

There were the ones who nodded along and squirmed the whole time.

The ones who talked without saying anything.

The ones who had the guts to say they didn't want her around to her face. Those she respected the most. They would bite with words to make her go away. Not that it'd ever work, but she appreciated their effort.

The worst ones were the polite ones. They had advice to grow up, be more mature.

Grow older? No, duh. Grow wiser? Every day. Grow up? Ha!

Izzy would make a perfect friend without doing that.

Despite popular belief, there was nothing wrong with Izzy.

She just wished that belief wasn't so popular.

But oh well, there wasn't much to be done about it. Not without changing. And she's not doing that.

If nothing new was happening outwards, then it was time to focus inwards.

She wanted to take up baton twirling again. Personally, she thought it'd be sick to be in the mascot costume juggling fire. REALLY get the crowds pumping.

Still, she needed more practice. Safer practice. She didn't want to ever see that look on her mom's face again.

So she found an alley behind the school.

It looked all nice and decrepit, only garbage to burn back here. That's what she assumed at least. Until she heard the voices coming from deeper in.

She followed the voices until she saw two people who she didn't think even knew each other. Eva and Noah. Noah and Eva. It made sense the more she talked and laughed and poked.

Their experiences showed in the ways their body spoke. She looked for tension first. That was the easiest to spot when Izzy joined a conversation. Disgusted and annoyed tense came hand to hand with other people.

Angry and scared and worried and trying to hide it tense? That one was new. They could hide it all they liked. Izzy always saw through everything.

It was just them here. Not really much of a group.

Not yet. She thought as she hatched a plan so great she couldn't believe she hadn't thought of it before.

She's always tried to jump into groups that were already together. Cliques formed quick if you weren't paying enough attention.

But these guys had been kicked out of their cliques. Lost to the wind without any purpose.

So why not give them one? These guys were outcasts from everyone else, just like she'd been for as long as she could remember. They got it. Or could get it. They just needed someone to show them the ropes to being a screwup! Might as well be her since they clearly weren't doing anything about it.

Izzy dubbed them all Alley Cats, and she was ecstatic to have a group of her own.

Even more so when their group grew.

<- What Eva Did | AU Masterpost | What Owen Did -> (Coming...eventually)

[dragonstar2568]

✨Zane Ro’Meave headcannons ✨

(Does contain explicit content and has mentions of SA and SH (under the cut) if you don’t like that please scroll)

Has a box of everything his brothers have made or gave him like drawings or bracelets that mean so much to him so he takes them out when he’s sad

When he gets dysphoric Travis comes over to distract him whether it’s playing Minecraft or watching my little horses he is all ways gonna be there to help.

Likes his hair being played with it helps him fall asleep

Sleeps better next to someone

Is really good with kids and often baby sits

His room is mostly pink and he owns pink clothes he just sleeps in them

Bites his nails or scratches his arms when nervous

Always has bandages in his pocket and suckers

Needs glasses but thinks they look stupid

Like sketching and painting but is scared people will make fun of him more

Loves when his brother hugs him but is also scared of Garroth because he looks like dad.

Has snake bites and a lot of ear piercing and has hip tattoos

Dante once forced him to dye a piece of his hair blue (Zane really liked how it looked)

Will stop to pet every cat he sees

Vylad runs to him when scared or hurt because he views Zane as a motherly figure (he once accidentally called him mom)

Loves strawberries and mango

Knows how to play piano

Zane has a biting kink and a praise kink and definitely cry’s during and has an oral fixation

Loves to pet Ein’s ears

Has crooked teeth and is really insecure about them

Just wants someone to love him instead of hurt him

Has a sparkly dildo (you can’t change my mind)

⚠️Mentions of SA and SH under the cut⚠️

⚠️TRIGERING HAS MENTIONS OF SA AND SH⚠️

Travis sits beside the tube when he when he bathes because last time Zane almost drowned himself but stopped before he blacked out and called Travis who ran over to comfort him. now Zane tells him when he’s about to bathe.

Has problems with SH and smoking he promised Vylad he would stop but hasn’t

His father used to SA him growing up. It started when he was drunk and mistook him for his mom but it kept happening he tried to tell Garroth but he didn’t believe him.

Zane puts his cigarettes out on his arms.

Gene rap3d him in school and took pictures to show his friends then laughed at him saying it was his fault

Is scared someone will hurt him again if he dares love them

Once Garroth got angry and hit the wall beside Zane’s head (brining back memories of their father) making him cry and gorroth got mad at him for crying when he didn’t do anything. he felt really bad about it once he calmed down and Zane said it was fine but is scared to be near him alone.

He burns himself because he told Vylad he would stop cutting (he also thinks the flame is pretty)

Keeps a gun or knife on him at all times just in case someone try’s to touch him again

[taylor-swift-bracket]

Battle of the Bridges!

Round One

Debut Era 🦋

Tim McGraw vs. Picture to Burn

A Place In This World vs. Cold As You

Stay Beautiful vs. Should’ve Said No

Mary’s Song (Oh My My My) vs. Our Song

I’m Only Me When I’m With You vs. A Perfectly Good Heart vs. Invisible

Bea utiful Eyes vs. I Heart ?

Fearless Era✨

Fearless vs. Fifteen

Love Story vs. Hey Stephen

White Horse vs. You Belong With Me

Breathe vs. Tell Me Why

You’re Not Sorry vs. The Way I Loved You

Forever & Always vs. The Best Day

Ch ange vs. Jump Then Fall

Come In With The Rain vs. Superstar

The Other Side Of The Door vs. Today Was A Fairytale

Mr. Perfectly Fine vs. We Were Happy

That’s When vs. Don’t You vs. Bye Bye Baby

Speak Now Era 🎆

Mine vs. Sparks Fly

Dear John vs. Mean

The Story Of Us vs. Never Grow Up

Enchanted vs. Better Than Revenge

Innocent vs. Haunted

Last Kiss vs. Long Live

Ours vs. Superman

Electric Touch vs. When Emma Falls In Love

I Can See You vs. Castles Crumbling

Foolish One vs. Timeless

Red Era 🧣

State of Grace vs. Red

Treacherous vs. I Knew You Were Trouble

All Too Well vs. 22 (Taylor’s Version)

I Almost Do vs. We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Stay Stay Stay vs. The Last Time

Holy Ground vs. Sad Beautiful Tragic

Everything Has Changed vs. Starlight

Come Back…Be Here vs. Girl At Home

Ronan vs. Better Man

Nothing New vs. Babe

All Too Well vs. 22 (original version)

Forever Winter vs. Run

The Very First Night vs. Safe & Sound vs. Eyes Open

1989 Era 🏙️

Welcome to New York vs. Blank Space

Style vs. Out Of The Woods

All You Had To Do Was Stay vs. Shake It Off

I Wish You Would vs. Bad Blood

This Love vs. I Know Places

Clean vs. Wonderland

You Are In Love vs. New Romantics

Slut! vs. Say Don’t Go

Now That We Don’t Talk vs. Is It Over Now? vs. Sweeter Than Fiction

Reputation Era 🐍

I Did Something Bad vs. Don’t Blame Me

Delicate vs. Look What You Made Me Do

So It Goes…vs. Gorgeous

Getaway Car vs. King Of My Heart

Dancing With Our Hands Tied vs. Dress

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things vs. Call It What You Want vs. New Year’s Day

Lover Era 💘

I Forgot That You Existed vs. Cruel Summer

Lover vs. The Man

The Archer vs. I Think He Knows

Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince vs. Paper Rings

London Boy vs. Soon You’ll Get Better

You Need To Calm Down vs. Afterglow

ME! vs. Daylight vs. All Of The Girls You’ve Loved Before

folklore era 🌲

the 1 vs. cardigan

the last great american dynasty vs. exile

my tears ricochet vs. mirrorball

seven vs. august

this is me trying vs. illicit affairs

invisible string vs. mad woman

epiphany vs. betty

hoax vs. the lakes

evermore era 🍂

willow vs. champagne problems

‘tis the damn season vs. tolerate it

coney island vs. ivy

cowboy like me vs. long story short

marjorie vs. closure

evermore vs. right where you left me

Midnights Era 🌌

Lavender Haze vs. Maroon

Anti-Hero vs. Snow On The Beach

You’re On Your Own, Kid vs. Question…?

Vigilante Sh*t vs. Bejeweled

Karma vs. Sweet Nothing

Mastermind vs. The Great War

Bigger Than The Whole Sky vs. Paris

Glitch vs. Would’ve Could’ve Should’ve

Dear Reader vs. Hits Different vs. You’re Losing Me

The Tortured Poets Department Era ✒️

Fortnight vs. The Tortured Poets Department

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys vs. Down Bad

So Long, London vs. But Daddy I Love Him

Fresh Out The Slammer vs. Florida!!!

Guilty As Sin? vs. Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me?

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) vs. loml

Clara Bow vs. The Black Dog

imgonnagetyouback vs. The Albatross

Chloe Or Sam Or Sophia Or Marcus vs. How Did It End?

So High School vs. I Hate It Here

thanK you aIMee vs. The Prophecy

Cassandra vs. Peter

The Bolter vs. Robin vs. The Manuscript

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived vs. The Alchemy

Other 🎸

Carolina vs. Beautiful Ghosts

Christmas Must Be Something More vs. Christmas Tree Farm

Crazier vs. I Don’t Wanna Live Forever

Renegade vs. The Alcott

[deaththcekid]

RENGOKU SH COMFORT

Sorry if I haven’t been writing a whole lot guys I’ve just had school and other stuff lol. OKAY SO UHHH…yeah

I’ve been wanted to write a Kny sh short comfort story for a while. As a person who has suffered with sh for a long time I’ve been wanting someone to comfort me for the longest time. So let’s get to it.

Warnings: Self-Harm, Blood, Scars, Blade, insecurities

Rengoku Sh Comfort

When you first got Rengoku you didn’t talk to him about your problem with Self Harming. You’ve tried to stop, and stop, and stop but the rush of pressure and insecurity kept creeping back up to you. One day you just wanted to rot in your bed, you didn’t have any motivation to get up, you just wanted to lay down and cry. You also didn’t talk to him about your insecurities since you have always bottled you your emotions. You just couldn’t take it anymore. You got up opened a secret drawer you had in your room, and pulled out a blade, still has blood on it since the last time you used it. You hated how you look, you hated everything about yourself, your body, face, your personality, your past scars from where you cut, you hated everything. You put the blade up to your wrist and started cutting. The pain, the burning sensation of the blade when you cut deeper into your skin. Blood seeping down your wrist. You stared to cry and cry, nothing was stopping the flow of your tears. You kept cutting deeper and deeper the more cuts you did. Rengoku was away for a mission so you expect him to not be home in a couple on days. The more you kept looking back at your insecurities and your past, you kept going deeper. The flow of insecurities kept getting the best of you. The rush of blood falling down your wrist onto the floor. Before you were gonna do another cut you heard a voice calling out to you. “Oh my little flame in ho-“. As soon as he opened the door he saw you on the floor, crying, bleeding, cutting. He rushed over to you “I-…why?!”. Not knowing what to say. He reached his hand out, “p-please give me the blade!”. You gently gave him the blade still crying. He threw the blade across the room then pulling you into his arms. He started to tear up, “darling why would you do this to yourself”. You started to cry even more. “I’m sorry Rengoku..it’s just that… I cant cope with all of this stuff I’m going through”. You said, “oh little flame, I’m always here for you and if you need someone to talk to I’m right here”. He pulled from the tight hug and looked at the red marks you made on yourself. “Wait here I’ll be right back, don’t move please” he got up and went to get something. When he came back he had Bandages and some alcohol to clean the marks. He sat back down and reached out his hand, “Can I please see your wrist”. You slowly gave him your wrist. He started to disinfect the cuts. Once he put the disinfectant on your wrist you flinched at how bad the stinging was. As he was bandaging it you asked him “A-are you mad at me Kyo?”. “I could never be mad at you.. it’s just that… why didn’t you talk to me about this Y/n?”. Once he was done bandaging it he pulled you into a tight embrace. Tears stared to fall from his eyes. “I was scared to tell you… and I didn’t want you to worry about me”. “Oh Y/n… don’t be scared to talk to me if your feeling sad or insecure”, “I love you so much I never want to see you like this”. You tears stared to creep up on you again. “Shhh it’s okay I’m right here, I’ll always be here for you, and if you need to talk about something I’m right here.” The warmness of his embrace made you feel safe and comfortable. You pulled back and looked into his pretty eyes. “I love you Kyo, and I’ll try to open myself up to you” A big warm smile appeared on his face “I love you too my little flame”. After he said that he kissed you on your lips. Then he started to leave small little kisses all over your face. Then he grabbed your wrist and kissed it very gently. You felt so safe around him. Then he picked you up bridal style “Now lets go get something to eat I’m starving!” You laughed and gave his a kiss. “I love you so much Kyo..” “And I love you so much too my little flame”.

[oceanwithinsblog]

ok nobody asked for this but let me present you

✨my personal evaluation of each eurovision 2023 entry✨

where should i begin? i've decided to quickly comment this year's participating songs !! these are all personal opinions so don't take them too seriously ! hope you enjoy this sh!tpost of mine and, most importantly, happy eurovision grand finale day to all those who celebrate !! 💙💛

a quick legend: ❌ = song i don't like | ✅ = song i enjoy | ♾️ = song i have on loop (and is therefore among my faves)

as for the order of the songs, i'm using the eurovision 2023 playlist on spotify ^^

tell me more (turalturanx) ✅

this song is very simple and cute imo, still i'm not surprised it didn't make it to the final

aijā (sudden lights) ✅

this song is soooo good once you listen to it a couple times !! they were robbed, i really wished for them to qualify :((

we are one (wild youth) ❌

honestly? no. this doesn't quite do it for me. plus their staging was pretty awful during the 1st semi so yeah ... hopefully ireland will do better next year !

dance (our own party) (the busker) ✅

can i be totally honest ???? I DO NOT UDNERSTAND HOW IN THE EUROVISION THEY DIDN'T GET THROUGH THE FIRST SEMI I WAS AND STILL AM IN AWE WTH i have to admit the song didn't really catch my attention the first time i listened to it on spotify, but the performance they did on tuesday night left me speechless. so much fun ! so much color ! so much dinamicity ! plus those references to michael jackson the king of pop ! not my fave entry but they deserved to take part to the finale imo :(<3

burning daylight (mia nicolai, dion cooper) ✅

this song is actually pretty good to hear on earphones (on spotify), the chorus got stuck into my mind for days lol but after watching their performance i do agree with the televote - the live singing wasn't really nice. unrelated but the netherlands should try singing in their native language more often at eurovision !!!

like an animal (piqued jacks) ❌

i'm sorry fellow italian compatriots but i don't vibe with this song ... you tried and did your best on the thursday night tho !! kudos to you and good luck for your future ^^

d.g.t. (off and on) (theodor andrei) ❌

romania ... what happened to you ... don't tell me that hola mi bebebe was your peak at eurovision .... i don't wanna believe it .... but this whole song and performance really isn't it ... deeply unsettling for me

what they say (victor vernicos) ❌

greece ! i don't really know what to say about this, the guy has a nice voice but the song just doesn't work for me. i'm sad he didn't qualify 'cause he was very excited (and you could easily see it during his performance) but i think it didn't qualify for the best..

breaking my heart (riley) ✅

might come off as a surprise but i do enjoy listening to this song from time to time (on spotify) ! this boy is a personification of tiktok and that scares me ngl but i think the song itself is catchy. surely not suited for eurovision tho. the live version of breaking my heart loses all its catchiness but it's ok he tried

echo (iru) ✅

WHAT ! A ! VOICE ! iru's tone is so powerful and beautiful to listen to !! too bad i can't understand a word she is singing :// i was actually rooting for her to qualify on thursday but apparently european are deaf lol

power (diljá) ✅

i genuinely like the song and i think she has a great voice ! the performance at the second semi wasn't even close to one worth of qualification tho :( she was left alone on the stage and it felt pretty empty imo :( she's the cutest tho <3

mama šč! (let 3) ✅

OH MY LORD !!!!!! THIS IS MADNESS !!! THIS IS EUROVISION !!! HEAVILY POLITICAL LYRICS FIREWORKS COLORFUL CLOTHES THOUSANDS LIGHTS SCREAMING TRACTORS SILLY COSTUMES HIGH HEELS HEAVY MAKE-UP ROCKETS GO CROATIA FEED US

ps. i wrote that i enjoy the song - which i do - but i never listen to it on spotify honestly

blood & glitter (lord of the lost) ✅

germany has finally submitted a good entry !! love the alt rock vibes !! still no idea what the live performance looks like but i feel pretty good knowing these guys have a lot of fun on stage ^^

bridges (alika) ✅ ♾️

she's like a goddess ... vocals are super on point !! i'm kinda rooting for her, the staging is very nice, simple and neat. love the details !! go estonia !!

because of you (gustaph) ✅ ♾️

OMG PLEASE I'M LOVING THIS !! the live performance is even better than the studio version imo; the stage presence, the '90s vibes, the VOGUEING, the back up vocals, the dancer EVERYTHING IS SO ON POINT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT I LOVE IT totally my cup of tea <3 GO BELGIUM !!!

eaea (blanca paloma) ✅

it took me a few listens to really get the vibes and the lyrics, but i have to say i love this entry ! most importantly i love that spain is always doing spain ! vamos blanca ! love the union of traditional and modern elements into this, i hope it does well in the final ^^

break a broken heart (andrew lambrou) ❌

big no for me. any straight man singing about heartbreak is a big no for me. we don't care. ok, yk, you have a nice voice mr. lambrou, i'll give you that, but you shouldn't have gotten to the final imo. no hard feelings. plus wearing a tuxedo and singing on stage shoeless ??? ugh.

promise (voyager) ✅ ♾️

hell yeah !! aussies doing rock'n'roll and showing up on stage in a random car are also my thing !! they understood the assignment and i'm glad they did. can't wait to watch their performance again tonight !! kinda rooting for them ^^

ai coração (mimicat) ✅

again, kudos to portugal for always being portugal and bringing such gems to eurovision. i like this one. i don't listen to it often, but i for sure enjoy it when i do ! wishing her the best for tonight's finale !!

samo mi se spava (luke black) ✅

it took me a while to appreciate this song ngl ... luke gives an incredible performance on stage tbh, i'm happy he qualified for the final. plus singing in your native language and naming yourself after the dead serbian music panorama are big reasons to give you bonus points. slay king !!

due vite (marco mengoni) ✅ ♾️

i might be biased (i'm italian after all) but i love this song. i relate to this song. a lot. marco's voice is sublime imo, i'm so very glad he is representing our country in liverpool. <3 tbh i actually can't wait to see what he prepared for the finale !!!! i have really high expectations but i know he's gonna leave me awestruck <3 vai marchettooooo <3

stay (monika linkyte) ✅ ♾️

my lithuanian queen !!!!!!! love the song ! love the live vocals ! love the lyrics ! love the orange themed performance ! love the interactions with the back up singers ! totally 10/10 for me. sending her a big hug !

duje (albina and kelmendi familja) ❌

i don't know how to feel about this song. i personally don't get the hype. it's very albanian and very traditional and i appreciate it a lot, but i can't quite come to like the final product :(

watergun (remo forrer) ❌

sort of the same scenario 've already described for greece, he's got a nice voice but the song isn't right. plus it's a bit funny to hear a swiss guy saying he doesn't want to be a soldier ....

solo (blanka) ❌

poland is another big no, rigged. rigged. rigged. if anybody asks me, poland didn't participate to eurovision in 2023. shoutout to jann, i hope you're having a wonderful day <3

carpe diem (joker out) ❌

very much appreciating their outfit and vitality and sort of silly joyous queer vibes, but i personally can't come to like the song. still, i'm glad they made it to the final ^^

soarele si luna (pasha parfeni) ✅ ♾️

moldova has me clapping and singing and dancing and trying to learn how to play the flute. 10/10 chef's kiss. constantly on loop. great job pasha and friends, i'm partially rooting for you tonight !!

future lover (brunette) ✅

very interesting song, from the lyrics to the musical structure, from the outfit to the staging. brunette's voice is lovely. i wish she had sung the entire song in armenian, but still - it's good!

unicorn (noa kirel) ❌

a total ... skip for me ! shouldn't have qualified for the final ! and as i keep saying for years, israel shouldn't be allowed to participate to eurovision anymore ! good bye.

my sister's crown (vesna) ✅

the song is great, the message is nice (if i understood it correctly) but the whole pink outfits don't match any element of the performance. still, a nice entry for czechia !

[chaoticookie]

Ok, so hear me out.

Once Bruno returns, despite being on their 40-50s, the triplets decide to play what they used to play the most when they were young: pretend to be each other.

The most hilarious part is that they don't even look like each other but when young, were convinced they were identicals.

So, it goes like this:

Julieta, pretending to be Pepa: oh my, I better smile so the skies can be clear!

Dolores: Tía Julieta?

Julieta: No, mi amor, is Mama!

Antonio, already in character: *launches himself onto Julieta* Mamá!!

Camilo: I'd beat everyone in this game. Why can't I be a triplet?

Pepa and Bruno: okay, twenty points to Julieta.

Bruno as Julieta: MIRA!!!

Mirabel: QUÉ PASA TÍO?

Bruno: Mi hija, quieres ayudar a tu mamá?

Mirabel glances him from head to toe and grasps the situation: Sure.

Minutes latter:

Agustín: mi amor I just need to know HOW did you BURN the WATER?

Bruno and Mirabel: WE DON'T KNOW *sobs*

Pepa: Ok, Bruno gets-

Julieta: *already making arepas to heal the three burned idiots* One.

Pepa as Bruno with four rats on her hair: BOOOH!

Camilo, that little bastard: AAAAAAH! SEVEN FOOT FRAME AND RATS ALONG HIS BACK?!?!?!? HELP SOMEONE PLEASE!!!!

Bruno:

Julieta: pff-

Bruno: *glares*

Julieta:

Bruno: That's it. Round two.

Round 2 goes:

Bruno, as Pepa: Oh my I am so happy and joyful, look at these clear skies! *the rats jump from his hand dressed in rainbows, one as a sun, and others as white clouds.

Dolores: Mamá, mamá, Camilo pretended to be Mariano and told me I am ugly!

Bruno: what?!?!? *throws the rats now dressed as black clouds and thunder*

Bruno: I AM SO MAD! BOOM! BOOM! ZAP ZAP! CHOOOOOOOOOOO (sound of rain)

Pepa:

Julieta: look he isn't wrong-

Pepa: this little sh-

Pepa, as Julieta, but afraid to attempt to cook after Bruno's disaster: *preparing sandwiches*

Pepa: Isabela! Luisa! Mirabel! Let's have a bonding moment and talk about our feelings!!

Luisa: I'm sad.

Pepa: we know, dear.

Julieta:

Julieta: I'm not so condescending. And I don't talk about feelings all the time!

Bruno: pff- 20 points for Pepa.

Julieta: BETRAYAL?!

Julieta as Bruno: *knocks at Abuela's door* Mamá?

Abuela: Sí, Jul- I mean, Brunito?

Julieta: I am in need of validation and comfort because of my loneliness.

Bruno, hidden: oh, she wouldnt

Julieta: I am also very self counscious about returning.

Abuela, grabing "Bruno"'s face and kissing his cheeks: Oh, Brunito, I'm so sorry. I love you.

Bruno:

Pepa:

Pepa: *hugs Bruno*

Pepa: she still gets 10 points tho.

love a good hair swap

[justvent314]

Tw: idk don’t read it if you don’t want to get triggered? SH ig

I feel like I’m just dancing on a fucking edge man, like nothings ever real for me. I cut myself but not like girls in our school who actually cut themselves, I don’t have an eating disorder but I get so fucking happy when that number on the scale drops, I’m at 98 pounds and I’m scared to go over 105, but I’m not starving myself nor throwing up, even if I try attempts are always short lived. I don’t really want to die but I can’t bring myself to throw away my old prescription because what if I want a way out, I love my mother and she doesn’t hurt me physically nor mentally like yours does but she never really knows how to react, she says ‘I want you to stop cutting yourself’ not like she’s truly sad, but like this is a teenage thing that just frustrated her, similar to ‘I want you to stop drawing on your arms’ like you think I fucking want to do this? That I wake up with the intent to make her mad, at this point if I attempt and survive I think she’d be more disappointed than sad. I’m not ‘gifted’ but I’m not dumb either, I know I’m intelligent but I can’t seem to bring myself to put any effort into anything, I can’t call it burnout because when have I ever even tried? I’m not hardworking like Rhea, or naturally smart like any of you, I’m not dedicated like Rahaf either, shit I honestly don’t know what I’m good at, I know random useless shit and I feel like I can’t change anything in the world. I like to pretend I have a plan, ‘be a psychology professor’ but honestly I don’t know if I’ll make it that far, hell a plan is all I have bro, without it. What am I? Mediocre, a 13 year old girl toeing the line between ‘brilliant’ and average, unable to ‘apply herself’ All in all I’m just glued to a line, but no matter how bad I want to let go, how fucking bad I want to suffer, and let everyone know, how I want to burn, and make everyone see who the hell I am, how I want to relish in their fucking disappointment, to truly give up, I can’t bring myself to do so. I can’t bring myself to try either honestly, I’m just second in all I do, never enough to fall into a category, good or bad

[holorform]

Sibling's Love.

A door slowly closed as to not alert anyone inside his home and tip toeing his way to his room upstairs. "Now what were you doing outside, little man? Or should I call you: little woman?" A voice stopped his track, he look over to his shoulder and saw his older brother standing behind him, looming his smaller figure. His single eye that inherited their mother is looking down at him. He was tall like their father, about 8 feet high and Teviallio needed to crane his head high to look at his brother. "!ʎoq ɐ ɯ'I ʅɹᴉᵷ ɐ ʇou ɯ'I" He sighed and crossed his arm over his chest. "We all know that your a girl, Teviallia. Your mind is just telling you that your a boy."

"!ʎoq ɐ ɯɐ I ʇnꓭ" Turning around fully to face him with that emoticon of sadness as he stomp his way back downstairs to be in front of him, clearly upset. His brother look down and sighs "Listen, you've been out there recently, don't know why you did that and you only come home at night almost bed time! You could've been kidnapped or something worse could happen to you, your a girl remember that."

"--ƚuᙠ"

"No buts"

"!uɐǝɯ os ɹno⅄"

He ran upstairs as he yell those words to his brother, crying. "Wait Tev I didn't mean it!--" The tall TV man then hears a door shut, he admitted he is mad that his little sister came home late. But he just need to remind her that she's a girl not a boy, she's been going out lately. He remembered she was not always like that, not an outdoor person but an indoor person. And he also noticed she's been avoiding him and their father as best as she could do. She really did changed after what happened to their mother...

After their father killed mother....

He shook his head, he shouldn't be thinking that incident years ago. He walk upstairs and head towards to his sister's room, due to his height he crouched down to knock on the door lightly. No response. He knocked again but he was met with silence, he lean his head on a door and says. "Teviallia, it's me. I wanted to apologize for what I said to you."

"...."

Still, no response from his little sister. "I didn't mean it, I was just worried when you weren't coming home. You've been coming home lately than normal, you weren't always like that. And I thought you were kidnapped or-- or worse! Killed..."

"...." Once again, he was greeted with silence. He sighed as he lean away from the door and stood up. "I understand that you don't want to talk to me... Please remember that I still always love you." With that, he walked away from her room. Giving her some space, and maybe she'll come out from her room and talk to him again like they always do before the incident.

He was right. He's not a boy, he's a girl. It was a harsh truth. But she wanted to be a boy rather than to be a girl. She wanted to be with Tâe forever, but she remembers the rules in Porcelain Kingdom where Tâe lives. A man can marry a woman, but a woman can not marry the same gender. It is impossible to bear a children when both individuals are the same genders.

If she confessed to her, then she'll immediately rejected her because of their rules. She will never have a chance, nor have a future with just the two of them. It was sad, really. Or one should say, cruel reality.

And if-- ah... She's over thinking again. Her small figure curled up into a fetus position as she wrapped her arms to herself like hugging by just herself. She needed a distraction to push those thoughts away. She sat up and slid off the bed, opening a drawer near bedside, she grabbed a headphones and closed the small drawer. She then picked up her phone underneath the bed and turned it on if it is still in full battery, she put out her headphones on and connected it with her phone's Bluetooth.

"Bluetooth connected." After hearing that monotonous voice she immediately scrolled her phone for a perfect music that could sooth her down. And she picked a song called 'A burning memory.' the music sounded old but that's what makes her like it.

Approaching her desk, she pulled the chair and sat down as she lean both of her arms on the table. The music is slowly putting her at ease. Her mood had lighten so she grabbed her sketch pad, pencils, and an eraser from her drawer and begin to draw on what's forming on to her mind. Let her hands control on it owns.

Teviallio-- I mean Teviallia's brother was in his room, sitting down on his desk as he holds a picture of him and his little sibling. If only their mother is still here, none of these would've happened. Tev wouldn't be avoiding him and father every day. Avoiding them like a plague... it hurts, his chest ached when seeing his only sibling avoiding-- ignoring him every day..! If only father did not kill her, then Tev would have been happy like always, not upset like now.

Three days ago, he purposely pretended he was busy with something so father could ask Teviallia. He did that for a reason, he saw how father was pretending like he wasn't hurt by her actions, always avoiding him like a plague. But on the inside, he is in pain-- no, in guilt. Guilty because of what he did, and he should be. He was the reason why she is like this, and the reason why she avoided them both.

When father tried to approach her, she ran away from him. When he tried to make a small talk to her, she stayed silent and did not spoke a single word. That's why he lies about being busy so father could have time with Teviallia. He knows that father wanted to bond with her again after an incident years ago…

The same goes for him too, he wanted to bond with her again and not avoid him like when they were first introduce to each other.

He still remembers how they met, how she had black tv before painting herself to a baby blue colour. He also remembered how Skittish she was when seeing him because of his height that loomed over her small figure, how scared she was when his near. He remembered every detail.

So it is sad to see the progress he did all years ago to gain her trust only for it to be broken to a million of pieces when an incident had happened.

And he wished it never happened.

The image inside the picture he is holding:

[geekbarprincess]

I have a normal relationship with food and my perception of myself

Ever since I was young my dad was weird about food. I mean, when I was really young he was in the army and not home so I don’t even know. But then as I got older he eventually got fired for not being fit enough (I think?). After that he lowkey went crazy. Well, no. This man was crazy from the start. But he went more crazy. This time it was about food.

I remember in elementary school coming home from what felt like a long day, but what was probably just a ‘long day’ of learning multiplication. Whatever. I had math hw to do and I knew it would end with my dad yelling at me and me crying. My thought was “I should eat a snack BEFORE hw so that when dad makes me cry I can just go to my room and go to bed.” It was a rule to ask for food before you ate anything. I always thought it was normal to have to ask before you ate anything. Honestly I’m still not convinced that it’s not normal. I mean it does kinda make sense. If ur kid wants to eat a bunch of junk, they should ask so if it’s around dinner or smth you can tell them no so they’ll have room for dinner. But I had to ask before literally anything. If I hadn’t eaten in 3 days and I was starving, and I went to get something without asking, my dad would freak out.

I remember one time in 9th grade after my parents broke up. I was alone at my dad’s. My dad’s car pulled into the driveway while I was cooking ramen. I hadn’t asked to eat the ramen. I immediately freaked out. Thankfully I didn’t put the noodles in yet. I had only boiled the water. I was so scared my dad would get pissed at me for making something without asking. I was doing online school at the time and he was at work. I hadn’t eaten anything yet that day. It was like 5 pm. I just wanted ramen but I got so scared that he was going to yell at me about it. I got scared I was going to make him mad, and I don’t like being around angry men. He is the reason for that. My first thought was to get rid of the water and put the pot away and take the noodles to my room to eat dry. I picked up the pot, but too fast apparently, because it splashed the boiling water on the side of my lower stomach. It hurt so bad. I was crying. I didn’t want my dad to know. I went to my room crying and put ointment on the burn. I ate the dry ramen noodles.

I guess that’s just some backstory of part of why my relationship with food is weird. Here’s another part of it- I’ve felt fat for my whole life, but I’ve only BEEN fat for a year or 2. When I was in middle school I weighed around 110 lbs. I felt so insecure and big. I wanted to be less than 100. I wanted to be skinny. I started restricting, counting calories, fasting, and purging. I was cutting myself a lot too. I was just doing really bad. I was heavy into sh and ed instagram. I was literally 12. That’s so sad. Thinking about it being me isn’t sad, but like if it was any other 12 year old I would feel awful for them. Whatever though. So my disordered eating behaviors started around 2018/2019.

It got worse again in 9th grade. I was dating a girl who would constantly talk about how she hadn’t eaten in days and how skinny she was getting. I was jealous. I was super skinny at the time, but not good enough. I weighed about the same until the end of 10th grade. Or like the start of 11th grade. I started meds and I gained weight. I’m genuinely convinced the meds are what made me gain weight because I didn’t change my eating habits. It makes me so sad to know that if I never started these stupid fucking meds that don’t even work, I would still be skinny. Maybe. I honestly don’t know. It’s a hunch. Whatever

I’m now 170 something and I hate myself. I have a tummy, which I even had when I was skinny, but obviously it’s bigger now. I hate it. I started going to the gym w my fwb but we stopped talking because I got back w my ex (I mean it’s a W bc I have the love of my life but an L because I lost gym buddy). But ig the perk is, I got boobs. I don’t really know if it’s completely a perk. I mean I kinda like them and they’re really soft. Also I got my nipples pierced and it’s sick asf. If I didn’t have boobs it would look more weird. Whatever. My point is, I used to have a really skinny waist. I’ve never had hips, but I at least was skinny. Now I have no hips, no ass, and I’m fat asf. I hate myself so much.

I’ve been eating so much less lately. I mean when I do eat, I usually eat more calories. But I don’t eat more than a meal a day. I’m trying to cut down to nothing. I’m fasting right now. I’ve decided to go until tomorrow, I mean basically the day after tomorrow. I got a cute little app. I hope that I don’t fold. I don’t have money to be ordering anything and there’s nothing I desperately want here at my house, so I will probably do fine. As long as I drink a lot of water it should be fine. I hardly get hungry anymore. Idk what it is, but I’m really glad. I love it. I’m not losing weight yet because this started fairly recently and I don’t have a scale to know how much I weigh. But I can definitely notice the difference in how much I’m eating and I’m really proud.

This isn’t like…. And Edtumblr account.. I just felt like since nobody will find my page this is an okay place to talk about it. Idk. I mean it went on forever lol nobody would read this all.

Something else that kind of contributes to my issues in this department is that the love of my life also had food problems. He used to/maybe still does, maybe fast and purge, and occasionally work out. It makes me really sad to think about it, but also it feels like competition ? I know that’s an awful thing to say, that you view your romantic partner as competition. But I just felt if he was going to lose weight then why wasn’t I going to? I felt fat. And then after him I did talk to a couple gym bros and they also made me more self conscious about eating and working out. Whatever. I just felt like that part was an important contributor.

I don’t really have much else to say and I don’t know how to end this. More recently I’ve been an observer on edtwt…I just look at thinspo and save weight loss tips. I don’t post anything, god no. Also more recently, as I previously mentioned, I’ve had less appetite lately. I don’t know the reason for that. Maybe it’s because I feel so fucking depressed and suicidal. Literally all I want is to fucking die. I try not to think about it but it’s bad right now. Ermmm LOL sorry for turning emo right there. Anyways, my point is that I have less appetite and GOD BLESS THAT….

Seeing my psychiatrist today! Wish me luck

[galindathrop]

Eras Tour Setlist and Surprise Songs (as of May 23, 2023)

Taylor Swift

Tim McGraw - March 17

Picture to Burn

Teardrops on My Guitar - May 5

A Place in this World - April 22

Cold as You - April 23

The Outside

Tied Together with a Smile

Stay Beautiful

Should’ve Said No - May 19

Mary’s Song

Our Song - March 24

I’m Only Me When I’m with You

Invisible - May 20

A Perfectly Good Heart

Fearless (Taylor’s Version)

Fearless

Fifteen - May 6

Love Story

Hey Stephen - May 14

White Horse -  March 25

You Belong With Me

Breathe (feat. Colbie Callait)

Tell Me Why

You’re Not Sorry - April 21

The Way I Loved You

Forever & Always - May 13

The Best Day - May 14

Change

Jump Then Fall - April 2

Untouchable

Come In with the Rain

Superstar

The Other Side of the Door - April 28

Today Was a Fairytale - April 22

You All Over Me (feat. Maureen Morris)

Mr. Perfectly Fine

We Were Happy

That’s When (feat. Keith Urban)

Don’t You

Bye Bye Baby

Speak Now - Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) was announced on May 5. Coming on July 7th, 2023.  

Mine - May 7

Sparks Fly - May 5

Back to December

Speak Now - April 13

Dear John

Mean - April 15

The Story of Us

Never Grow Up

Enchanted

Better than Revenge

Innocent

Haunted

Last Kiss

Long Live

Ours - March 31

If This Was a Movie

Superman

Red (Taylor’s Version)

State of Grace - March 18

Red - May 21 (Performed on Guitar instead of Piano due to rain damage from May 20)

Treacherous - April 13

I Knew You Were Trouble

22

I Almost Do

We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Stay Stay Stay

The Last Time (featuring Gary Lightbody of Snow Patrol)

Holy Ground

Sad Beautiful Tragic - March 31

The Lucky One - April 2

Everything Has Changed (featuring Ed Sheeran)

Starlight

Begin Again - April 23

The Moment I Knew

Come Back… Be Here - May 12

Girl at Home

Ronan

Better Man - May 19

Nothing New (featuring Phoebe Bridgers)(added to the setlist on May 5, only to be performed when Phoebe Bridgers is one of the opening acts.)

Babe

Message in a Bottle

I Bet You Think About Me (featuring Chris Stapleton) - April 30

Forever Winter

Run (featuring Ed Sheeran)

The Very First Night

All Too Well (10 Minute Version)

1989

Welcome to New York

Blank Space

Style

Out of the Woods - May 6

All You Had to Do Was Stay

Shake It Off

I Wish You Would

Bad Blood

Wildest Dreams

How You Get the Girl - April 30

This Love - May 13

I Know Places

Clean - April 1

Wonderland - April 21

You Are in Love

New Romantics

Reputation

…Ready for It?

End Game (featuring Ed Sheeran and Future)

I Did Something Bad

Don’t Blame Me

Delicate

Look What You Made Me Do

So It Goes…

Gorgeous - April 29

Getaway Car

King of My Heart

Dancing with Our Hands Tied

Dress

This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

Call It What You Want

New Year’s Day

Lover

Forgot That You Existed

Cruel Summer

Lover

The Man

The Archer

I Think He Knows - May 21

Miss Americana & the Heartbreak Prince

Paper Rings

Cornelia Street

Death by a Thousand Cuts - April 1

London Boy

Soon You’ll Get Better (featuring The Chicks)

False God

You Need to Calm Down

Afterglow

Me! (feat. Brendon Urie of Panic! at the Disco)

It’s Nice to Have a Friend

Daylight

Folklore

The 1 (era opener as of March 31)

Cardigan

The Last Great American Dynasty

Exile (featuring Bon Iver)

My Tears Ricochet

Mirrorball - March 17

Seven (spoken)

August

This Is Me Trying - March 18

Illicit Affairs (era opener on May 5)

Invisible String

Mad Woman (w/ Aaron Dessner) - April 15

Epiphany

Betty

Peace

Hoax

The Lakes

Evermore

Willow

Champagne Problems

Gold Rush - May 12

‘Tis the Damn Season

Tolerate It

No Body, No Crime (feat. Haim)

Happiness

Dorothea

Coney Island (feat. the National) - April 28

Ivy

Cowboy Like Me (w/ special guest Marcus Mumford) - March 25

Long Story Short

Marjorie

Closure

Evermore (feat. Bon Iver)

Right Where You Left Me

It’s Time to Go

Midnights

Lavender Haze

Maroon

Anti-Hero

Snow on the Beach (feat. Lana Del Rey) - March 24

You’re on Your Own, Kid - April 14

Midnight Rain

Question…? - May 20

Vigilante Shit

Bejeweled

Labyrinth

Karma

Sweet Nothing

Mastermind

The Great War (w/ Aaron Dessner) - April 14

Bigger Than the Whole Sky

Paris

High Infidelity - April 29

Glitch

Would’ve, Could’ve, Should’ve (w/ Aaron Dessner) - May 7

Dear Reader

Hits Different

[mitchellwrites]

ADAM HAYWARD & DANIELA SANTOS | @kirkewrites

How do you make love stay? You don’t. You just ache. You just ache.  // Haunted Heart

Send me “♔” for an aesthetic of our muses’ relationships.

[petersbaby]

This is rough, probably the most triggering thing I’ll ever post. It’s very emo, very dramatic, very stupid but I digress. This sucks but I wanted to get it off my mind. It’s probably best to skip this one

TW SEWERSLIDE TW SH TW DRUGS ANGSTY AND SAD, POTENTIALLY UPSETTING CONTENT ‼️

Eddie x su!c!dal reader

-

“Hey, eds, I love you and I’m so sorry.” You weakly said into the phone.

“I love you too but wait-“ the receiver clicks.

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.” He scrambles to throw on a jacket and shoes and stumbles out the door. He jumps in his van and prays it doesn’t go dead this time, because it was a life or death situation. Thankfully, it turned over right away and he started to speed to your house.

The front door was unlocked, but nobody in the driveway so you were definitely there alone. He enters, and starts calling out your name growing more and more desperate each time. He checks your room first, no sign of you. He starts to freak out, he looks down the hall where the bathroom door is closed with the lights on. “Oh fuck.” He goes to try the doorknob but it was locked. “Hey, let me in. Please fucking let me in.”

You heard him faintly, but couldn’t really move or speak, so you stayed on the cool bathroom tile floor. Outside the door, he fumbled with his wallet, digging out an old gift card and starting to unlock the door. The knob clicks open and the door swings in on you. He finds you in the corner, balled up and spaced out.

“Hey hey hey, what the fuck did you do?”

You just start crying. You failed and now he was mad at you.

“Pl-please don’t yell at me..” you slurred, with fear and upset in your voice

“Okay no I wasn’t trying to, I need to know what you did. Let me see your arms.” He grabs your wrists, pushing up the sleeves of your sweater. There were some cuts from a few days prior, nothing recent.

“Hello? Can you tell me? Please tell me.” He scans the room, finding 3 empty medicine bottles lying next to the trash can. He grabs them, frantically trying to assess the situation. One was just a higher than average dose of ibuprofen. One was fluoxetine, your antidepressants. The last was something he did not recognize and it wasn’t your name on the bottle.

“What were these? Who’s were these?” He shows the bottle to you.

“I-dunno, found em in the cabinet…”

“Okay, shit. You’re not gonna die but I do need you to throw up.”

“Please let me. It could still work, I wanna leave.” You beg him desperately.

“You can’t fucking leave, okay??” He shouts, and you flinch. “Now come here.” He grabs you from under your arms and tries to maneuver you to the toilet.

“Please try. The quicker the better, try to get it out.” He asks, as he slides the hair tie off your wrist to messily put your hair back.

“You won’t FUCKING TRY.” He’s just so scared. He gets closer and puts two fingers in your mouth harshly, hitting the back of your throat and making you gag. He does this a few times before you start to finally show signs of being close to vomiting. Eventually, you start to throw up right as he removes his fingers to get them out of the way. You continue, esophagus burning and tears streaming down your face.

“It’s okay, you’re okay, keep going. I know there’s more.” There was, and once you had nothing left in you, you weakly fell backwards, almost hitting your head on the wall. “Umm, shit, stay here.” He runs to the kitchen to get a glass, filling it up with sink water and then handing it to you.

“Drink it, please, for me.” You still had not stopped crying, so upset that you failed again and that you just ruined your friendship with Eddie forever. Not only that, but you probably scarred him for life. You do your best to drink between sobs. He sits in the floor next to you and pulls your body to him, holding you with his arms around you. He pets your messy hair, getting the sweaty strands off of your forehead.

“I’m so tired.” You murmur against his chest.

“I know.”

He doesn’t know if you mean literally or mentally, but either way, he understands.

-

About an hour later, he helps you to your bed and sits on it with you.

“You’re gonna tell, aren’t you? I’m gonna get sent away.” You say, staring blankly into the distance.

“I know you don’t want to get sent away, trust me, I don’t want you to either. I’m gonna have to talk to your mom, okay, and we’re gonna figure out what’s best to do for you.

“Okay.” You confirm, defeated.

“God, just- just let me appreciate the fact you’re still alive. I’m so glad you didn’t take more than you did. You scared the fuck out of me.”

“I’m sorry. We’re not- I know we’re not friends anymore” you say, having already accepted that. You fucked up really bad and there was no coming back from it.

“What? You don’t want to be friends with me anymore?” His expression is hurt.

“No, you.”

“Me… me what?”

“You,” you slur, pointing at him, “you hate me after this. If you don’t already, you will. I promise you will.”

“No, no, I could never hate you. Never. I’m not mad at you. You’re hurt, you’re just hurting and that’s not your fault.”

You start to cry.

“Do you mean that?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean it.”

“You aren’t gonna leave like everyone else?”

“No, I’m not leaving.”

“I love you,” you say meekly between sniffles.

“I love you too. I’m gonna go see if you have anything to eat, okay? You need to eat, soak up any shit that’s still in your stomach.”

“Okay.”

You drift away to sleep as soon as he steps out the door.

[absolutewhore101]

I'm Here When You're Ready

Pairing: Luke Hemmings x GN!Reader

Summary: Luke is there when you're ready to let it all out

Warnings: depiction/talk of mental health

Word Count: 800

Minors DNI

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The love you and Luke shared was nothing short of pure.  

The light touches, the lingering stares, the soft words – it was innocent, the definition of love.  

You could read each other easily. It was easy to tell when the other was having a rough day, when they needed a little help.  

The only problem was, after years of practice, you got incredibly good at acting like everything was okay. Like you weren’t entirely breaking inside. Like you were fine.  

Luke could see right through it. Right through the carefully constructed mask that fooled the rest of the world, right to your heart. It was very, very frustrating.  

The look on your face immediately gave away how you were feeling. Your lips were slightly turned down, your brows furrowed just barely, but it was the look in your eyes that truly gave you away.  

The look of desperation and hopelessness. The look of sadness and anxiety.  

Luke knew that you had a hard enough time with him knowing how you felt, so it was easy to imagine how you would’ve felt about the rest of the boys knowing.  

So he kept it to himself, waited until he could get you alone to ask what was bothering you so much, how he could help.  

Your eyes followed Luke around the room, watching as his eyes flicked over to you every few seconds. You wished you could be mad that he knew, but you truly couldn’t. There was no feeling quite like someone knowing you enough that you didn’t have to say anything was wrong for them to know.  

Ashton got up to go to the bathroom, leaving you, Luke, Mikey, and Calum in the room.  

Mikey left to get food, leaving you, Luke, and Calum.  

You were hoping that Calum would stay until one of the other boys returned. You knew Luke wouldn’t say anything in front of them, and you weren’t quite ready to talk yet.  

Unfortunately, Calum got a phone call and left the room to take it, leaving you and Luke on your own.  

You quickly pulled out your phone, busying yourself with scrolling through whatever app you clicked on first.  

“Honey,” Luke started, making his way over to you, “do you want to talk about it?” 

“No.” You answered shortly. Luke couldn’t say he was shocked by your answer or your tone. It was always a challenge to get you to talk about how you were feeling, even harder to do when you were upset.  

He nodded, sitting down next to you. You leaned your head on his shoulder, enjoying the warmth he provided. His arm wrapped around your shoulders, pressing a kiss to the top of your head, bringing a smile to your face.  

Ashton walked in, taking his seat back on your other side. You turned your body, kicking your legs up into his lap as you laid across Luke’s lap.  

Luke’s hand immediately fell into your hair, Ashton’s resting across your shins as he allowed your legs to stay there.  

A few hours later, you and Luke were finally alone for the night, and he could tell that whatever was on your mind was bothering you more than it was a few hours ago.  

“If you still don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine, but I’m here when you’re ready.” Luke told you as you were cleaning up the kitchen.  

“I know.” You said, not turning from where you were.  

He nodded, slightly hurt that you didn’t seem to trust him enough to talk to him.  

His words were bouncing around in your head.  

I’m here when you’re ready. I’m here when you’re ready. I’m here when you’re ready.  

Tears burned at the back of your eyes, but you willed them not to fall. You finally turned around, and one look at Luke made it all spill out.  

The thoughts plaguing you for the past week were finally out in the open, finally in Luke’s head just like they were in your own. 

When you were finished, there was a few seconds of silence before Luke reached out to you, gently grabbing your shoulders and softly pulling you into his chest.  

When you were firmly situated against him, he leaned down and placed a sweet kiss on your forehead.  

Within seconds, you were broken down into heaving sobs, your entire body shaking as you finally let it out.  

Luke held you, not saying anything, just rocking the two of you back and forth. You weren’t sure how long passed before your eyes were dry and your throat sore, but eventually you pulled back to look up at Luke.  

“No one’s ever done that for me before.” You told him.  

He smiled, squeezing your waist.  

“I’ll always be here to do it for you.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tell me your thoughts! Thank you for reading :)