#sh or anything anymore

[vinnyandthephenomena]

tattoos hm

[kyo-hiki]

im not projecting, im not projecting

[spiritcc]

at this point I don't even know if tag fragmentation in the general russian holmes space is worth addressing. a few years ago I successfully kept the ancient customs intact because I wrote a post so deranged and pretentious it displeased people into doing what I wanted but nowadays what's the point in making a grand return of being terminally online if yall kinda right

[damagesuppressor]

.

fuck i’m honestly really scared to check my bandages because i dont want my shit to be infected

[thehealingsystem]

i'm so fucking irritating with this but dear god I want to kill myself so bad. Day after day after day I am reminded of what I am and that I can't fix myself. It's getting worse again and everyday is getting harder to just live through. I don't even know why part of me still imagines things getting better, that people even still care, i'm an obsessive freak that deserves to be put down. Nobody cares if I don't show up the next say or ever again. I destroyed everything even in my attempts to preserve it. I don't do anything with my life, my cutting has gotten worse, I barely eat most days, I cry multiple times a day and cry myself to sleep many nights. I have nightmares literally just about what I experience every day. I layed down on the couch today and cried to myself how much I wanted to die. If I tell anyone this i'm just gonna get in trouble and not actually helped, because that's what happens every single time and no one's gonna believe me when I say there's something wrong with me. I'm trapped and there's no place to go other than hell. there's nothing anyone tumblr is gonna be able to do to help me but I literally have no one to tell. most shit just festers inside me and I can't even articulate what's happening in my head most of the time. even now

[bugbxyjunk]

dont read if sensitive

[kale-of-the-forbidden-cities]

hello tumblr! isn't it fucked up that i'm sitting here wishing i was suicidal again, if only to feel something, to feel real, to feel

[lilyimmsim]

he was here he was in my house.. he was rotting my bedroom, what if he touched the same doors i touch. he's smoke choking my lungs, he's a lingering taste of bile in my throat, he's inescapable. his presence screams for me to hurt myself, it croons and cries out for bitterness and revenge, it yells at me to destroy myself and it was here. he walked these halls not five hours ago. i wasn't here but he was and i can feel it. my room is colder tonight.

[bury-me-alive]

I should have never started working, I should have checked myself into a psychiatric hospital

[lovsome]

>:(

[arenabreadandbiscuits]

Ngl y'all. I feel the crashing out starting to begin.

Might end up just writing a bunch of vents or something. I'm so drained and upset that I don't even have it in me today.

TW

because I just need to vent this out because I literally feel it building in me. It's hard to explain really but I just feel like disappearing all over again.

[aresianrepose]

You hurt me. Is a full sentence. No justification. No explanation. No screaming about how bad it hurt or how fucked I was after to get you to understand. Just. You hurt me.

You hurt me. 

I never wanted to be. A mod. It was supposed to be a group chat. I just happened to be the one that made it. It hurts to be told I'm mad with power that I didn't even want, that I don't even actually have. Everyone was fine while problem causers ran rampant and just expected the mods to take care of it. As if... we somehow signed up for that? I didn't sign up for that. That's not what this was supposed to be. This was supposed to be a group chat of friends, of community that spoke up, spoke out, and self-managed. Through like, idk, actually talking to each other when shit went bad.

I poured myself out for nearly a year. I should have left sooner than I did. Should have left when I was accused behind my back of psychologically manipulating people or being an actual rapist. Or maybe when I got into an argument about weighing the ability to go to concerts without a mask versus immunocompromised people's lives (as an immunocompromised person) which. Was never resolved.

But everyone was just fine when I called someone out for being shitty... as long as it wasn't someone they liked. Never was too good about taking sides like that. Everyone was just fine coming and getting us to do the conflict for them, never doing the work to keep the community flourishing and problem free themselves.

Idk. It hurts. You hurt me.

I opened up about the struggles that I had been facing as a mod. And the reaction was to tell me I should keep my mouth shut and mod better. I'm staining the carpet with all this blood.

"What always stood out to me when I joined is that you thanked me for treating you like a person"

I wasn't vaguing. I sent a message confronting someone about allegations, which has been litigated. And when the response was to ignore that pain and then when corrected, to say what the fuck... by the same person who the mod team had repeated issues with. Good faith is not the same as blind faith. I just had enough and sent a message to the community channel that I had written a couple of nights prior while I crying and overwhelmed. Like I cannot express enough how much that message was a genuine cry for help written while I was like barely holding on.

It's not pretty. It's not perfect. But all of it was genuine. No hidden meaning or agenda. Just. Please stop. Please stop. I can't do this anymore. Here is what I've been carrying. Please stop.

And that message was met with, you're vaguing. You should have just taken it. You should have been professional, as if I signed up for that. (No one should have to worry about professionalism when shit like that happens to them). Be a good victim. Swallow this logical and objective talk over your pain (as if we havent spent hours decrying that same approach in other contexts). Take accountability.

For what? For bleeding? For saying a bad word? For telling someone to be quiet because I need the space? Am I allowed that space? Do the buttons I click on my phone to take me to the appropriate channel make that pain any less important? Am I a person?

I keep thinking about why this has caused... a lot of trauma issues for me, when I have actually died and have that shit on lock. This is so small in comparison. But I. Am hurting so much.

Is this vaguing? I honestly don't know.

Because my intention is not to put anyone on blast or talk shit. It is just to say. I'm hurting. You hurt me. On the blog I've had since I was 16 years old. In my own space that is mine. So that maybe I can use this app without having panic attacks.

All I know is that I spent a year in a role I didn't ask for, that I never wanted, took care of that space, things slowly escalated to me actually having to be a mod in a capacity that I didn't actually sign up for (I was just supposed to create channels and roles), and not a single. Person. Outside of my family. Not a single one. Messaged me when all this shit happened.

You don't have to be cursing or yelling at someone to hurt them. Just because you are speaking calmly and "rationally" does not mean you are listening or approaching anything in good faith. Doesn't mean you're actually resolving anything. Just because the flavor is palatable to the audience does not mean you're not doing harm. Just. Stepping on my throat with how I should have done better while I am bleeding out already.

[elliesbelle]

lol

[lovotomii]

i know therapy is bullshit but idk what to do if this gets any worse

[tillbonesshow]

Time to be self destructive again :)

[izzymalec]

hey besties!! i've finally caved and starting today (saturday, 15. july) i'll slowly but surely (more surely than slowly) post things from other media as well 💔

everything will be tagged w the media name + the #not sh (that geniuely nobody has blacklisted but it's for me), if there are any triggers etc pls let me know so i can tag accordingly!!

this also means that my sideblog @deemacs will no longer be active bc anything that would've gone on here will now be on main

also this itty bitty change will be accompanied by tiny little changes in my (v faithful) icon and header (these aren't actually related, it's just good timing honestly)

thank u for reading and happy tumbling!!! 🩷🩷🩷