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sadselfhelp · 4 years ago

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Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks.

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me.

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing.

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble.

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one.

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me.

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

#trigger warnings #mental health #anxiety #borderline personality disorder #adhd #domestic abuse #child abuse #self harm #violence #just all the trigger warnings

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runningw-thewolves · 4 years ago

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Why am I sharing this? Well, here’s why.

Loki first started sending signs to me in like, January, I think? Now, I had been working with Fenrir since November of last year, and I was really comfortable with Fenrir. Loki on the other hand. I had done some light reading and it seems that the way things were worded made it seem like Loki had bits in common with my abuser. So, naturally, my anxiety went rocketing past Mars and I was absolutely terrified of the mere idea of working with Loki, worshipping him, just straight up scared of him cause my anxiety decided to hit ‘Red Alert’.

It was in March when he sent more signs that I finally decided the only way to get the right information is to take the plunge and talk with other Loki followers/worshippers/Lokeans and... oh boy. That night when I joined a Loki chat, I had a full blown panic attack. I can confidently say the worst one I’ve ever experienced. My entire body was shaking to the point that my back was sore. My throat was dry and my eyes couldn’t stop streaming with tears as I tried to make sense of the cacophony of noise in my mind and type it with hands barely able to stay still. Thankfully, someone was on and they helped calm me down and gave me reassurance about Loki. Eventually, when I calmed down enough that I was more present in my mental state, I think I heard someone speak. “Wow. He fucked you up, didn’t he?”

I believe that was a Saturday evening, perhaps? So on Monday, I invoked Fenrir and asked him to assist me in communicating with Loki. I had two candles lit - one for Fenrir, one for Loki. I had brought up I believe some chicken for Fenrir as an offering, a sort of pay for helping me communicate with Loki. So, I started talking and admitted I was straight up nervous about what I was doing. I explained my worries and concerns - stemming from child abuse, which lead to me developing depression, anxiety and PTSD alongside having been born Autistic. I attempted to use tarot, which failed miserably and I could sense an audible sigh so I used my ‘last resort’ technique of asking a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ question and giving each direction (left or right) one of those answers and watching the flame. It works as a last resort, and it’s what I use as a last resort. I made a compromise with Loki on one of my concerns, which I might talk about another day, and asked him if he was OK with it - he said yes. I also proposed a grace period with Loki, so I can get to know him more casually. Again, I asked if he was alright with this, and he agreed.

Now, in that time, everything has changed. That tension and anxiety has mostly melted away - it still rears its head every now and then, but what can you do? I went from straight up terrified of Loki to not being able to see my journey without him and his family. I’ve been learned so much, about not just my present but also my past. And it seems that childish wish that young 5 year old me wished did in fact come true, just not how I imagined. I always wanted my abuser’s approval as a child, cause I loved him. Of course, he never loved me though. I wanted to know what it was like to have a loving father you could run to when everything was going wrong. All I had known was being shouted out, belittled, berated and degraded, blackmailed and threatened left, right and centre. So when I realised I had begun to see Loki as what I had always dreamed of as a child - what I saw in the movies and books - my anxiety came back. I felt I was overstepping a boundary, like I was forcing myself into a family. It ate at me for several weeks, but I eventually told Loki. I finally admitted to him - after several minutes of hesitation from rejection and abandonment issues - that I had begun to see him as the father my own should’ve been. I think for a split second he was stunned, surprised even, but that quickly changed into care. I was crying bucket loads, so I can see why. What was the strangest part was after I had admitted to it. He gave me a little nickname; “daughter”. He said it twice, and both times I was sat in silence for a solid minute, processing. It was this evening the little ‘We sang the theme song of Bolt’ incident happened.

Now, just around the beginning of me opening up to him, Stray Kids’ Changbin and Felix released a song. Loki was practically screaming at me to listen to it so I did. I had first thought it was in regards to Sigyn - “I know you love your wife, dude. You don’t need to tell me about it.” Now though, I’ve come to realise he wasn’t talking about Sigyn. He was talking about me. Somehow, he knew that they were releasing the song and it described his thoughts about me and got me to listen to it. “Those sparkling eyes of yours, overwhelming with joy, they become waterfalls if I were to make a wrong move, I’m so terrified that I could end up hurting you, because I really like you.” “I love your genuine, heart-bared, honest eyes, and how you’re fucking shit at telling lies.” “I love how your face says it when you simply won’t, how you can’t hide when you’re feeling like shit.” It’s a not-so-well-hidden secret of mine that my emotions are easily translated on my face. You can tell when I’m hurting pretty damn easily. What hit me weeks later when speaking with some mates I made in the Loki chat was the meaning. “I’m so terrified that I could end up hurting you.” In other words; “I’m terrified that if I do something that reminds you of your father, you won’t trust me anymore.” It puts into perspective why he’s been so patient, why he has been just so careful with me. So, in a way this song is my response.

“Maybe I know somewhere deep in my soul that love (family) never lasts, and we’ve got to find other ways to make it alone and keep a straight face. And I’ve always lived like this, keeping a comfortable distance, and up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness. Cause none of it was ever worth the risk, but darling, you are the only exception.” There will always be a place for my grandfather deep in my heart - the father-figure I did have in my youth - and that will never change. But even he couldn’t help heal the deep scar of having a father who was just shitty through and through. Loki, on the other hand? I’m not sure if one can sense this, but I can feel that wound closing up. Loki understands so much about my traumas, my aspirations, fears and dreams. He has seen my hurt, listened to my hurt, and I always get the feeling that he listened properly. Properly tuned in. I’m still getting used to it. The one thing I’ve come to love the most about Loki is how when I’m depressed, he knows just what I am needing in that exact moment; a hug. I can tell when he’s hugging me cause he’s done it so damn much. Even when I had managed to anger him and I was practically eroding myself with guilt, he still gave me a hug. I can always hear his whisper when I’m upset. “It’s OK. You’re OK.” The only downside is I can tell he is hugging me cause my back and shoulders start getting sore for no explicable reason - and trust me, I’ve tested how the pain manifests multiple times and it still doesn’t have any explanation. It’s not that bad though - it’s actually really reassuring.

I said to myself I’d make my decision at the end of April. And well, it pretty much is. And this won’t be the first or last time Loki reads over my shoulder (hi!). At this point, to say ‘No’ would kill me, destroy me from the inside. So, I guess my answer is rather obvious then; of course. I don’t want this journey to end yet. I’m sure Vali will be happy to hear that. LOL But I guess it’s official now, huh? Would ‘Lokean’ be the right term? For now, I don’t know. But of course I’ll work with Loki. The sly rascal he is, getting me this attached. LOL Still, I can’t complain. I wonder if Sigyn was also calling out to me like my mate suggested; I’m sure you probably know, don’t ya, Loki? Well, I guess I better prepare for the entire family swarming the house like this is The Addams Family. So, here’s to the journey and where it goes next.

#loki #loki pagan #loki norse #pagan #i might sound slightly crazy but fuck it

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wersoverytired · 4 years ago

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Watching the Supernatural finale hours after almost dying is, well. Different.

I cannot stress this enough: MAJOR triggers for frank discussion of a recent suicide attempt (no, not because SPN ended). Steer clear if this might hit too close to home. I'm no longer at risk, this happened a while ago and is over, and my care manager is aware.

Right, and spoilers for the series finale.

_____ _____ _____

I'm old enough to have been a fan of SPN since 2005. And considering the fact that childhood abuse had me suicidal at around age 12, probably earlier, it's safe to say that I have never watched the show without that constant battle going on in the background, unrelated.

When Dean said he was tired, that he was done, I got it. When Sam asked in that abandoned chapel what the upside was to him being alive, or when he confided in his brother in a hotel hallway that he had always felt unclean somehow, I could relate. There was more to the show than that, of course -- the love, the loyalty, the humor -- but the struggle was another point of connection.

As both the show and I grew long in the tooth, and my life circumstances were progressive getting worse (as they sometimes do when you carry untreated trauma), I used SPN and the fandom as a comfort. And increasingly, living to see how the Winchester story ends became one of those grappling hooks you latch on to when you look for reasons to keep going just a little longer.

Naturally, that didn't (and couldn't) arm me against the waves of acute, hope-obliterating, soul-sucking despair that can routinely crash on your head when you're dealing with poverty, chronic physical illness and disability -- and in a harsh country, too -- as well as being severely post traumatic and dissociative. Saving me was never the show's job, nor should it have been. I used it as much as I could, though.

The more I felt like I had to die, the more I tried. Dying hardly ever comes naturally, not even when you feel like there's no other way. Painfully isolated and increasingly bedridden, I watched convention panels and smiled so hard my face hurt. Other times I cried. And I made online friends, often through the fandom, who made life less empty. Who loved and laughed and cried with me from afar. It's hard to overstate the effect that can have when you're trapped in a body that's pretty much your cage, with a mind that's wounded and struggling.

I kept fighting. But I also kept finding myself, over and over again, faced with the reality that most people who are deeply traumatized, certainly those who are also severely dissociative, get to know early on: the world excels at letting many of us know that there's no place for us. Fighting hard to survive with about 10% of what I need to live, I sometimes find it hard not to listen to that toxic message that many survivors and disabled folks hear and feel coming at them over and over: you're too broken to justify the cost and effort of keeping you alive.

It's been an especially hard couple of years in that sense. And as the finale was months, then weeks, then days away, I kept telling myself to wait. Wait for that. Decide later. "Deciding later" is a survival technique I've been using for decades now whenever I get actively suicidal. It's not a bad one.

So that very last Thursday evening (or very late night, where I live) came around. And it so happens that I was at the very end of my rope. Again, for unrelated reasons to the show ending, obviously. And I couldn't go on.

The finale was hours away, and off I went on that same journey. Wait. Wait just long enough to see how it ends. It's been 15 years. You've survived so far, and that bit of closure, at least, is within reach. Just fucking wait to watch that last episode; see how they go before you do. Let that be the one last kind thing you do for yourself.

I kept telling myself that even as I numbly went through my final checklist.

I know it hurts so much. I know this damn body is tortured beyond what you can stand, I know we've been told it's about to get even worse. And hours more of this seem like an eternity. Watching anything seems impossible. I know the PTSD is intolerable, I know you can't sleep, you live in constant fear and rage and exhaustion; I know you're alone in this.

I know you live in a place that has made its peace with people like you dying of Covid, and finds it a small price to pay for refusing to wear masks. I know how that makes you feel, to be told that your life is worth that little because you're disabled. I know 9 months of what amounts to house arrest, while living alone, have made everything so much worse. I know you just want to go.

But wait to watch how it ends. And decide later. You can go later. You can.

And I almost made it. I mean, I'm obviously still here, so I eventually survived. But I tried not to. I couldn't wait.

Sometimes, when you get to the lowest low point, when you are in all-encompassing agony, when your circumstances leave no room for hope even though you desperately want to live -- and I do, I so want to live -- no show, no fandom, no unfinished story can keep you from taking that step over the edge. Many times it can, but there are places where nothing has any meaning. Thursday night became one of those. Watching the finale was a faded notion in the background of all that agony, and then it was nothing at all.

I only managed to write one goodbye letter. Hard to be as organized as you imagined you would be, hard not to leave unforgivable loose ends. I have no memory of what the letter said, and I can't look at it, not yet. It's tucked away now, just out of view.

And then I went about doing the only thing that I felt could be done.

I didn't get to go away. Both because I couldn't stand the torment of the only method I had handy, though I sure gave it my best efforts -- two more minutes would have sealed the deal -- and because I was fucking afraid to die. All the way through, until I gave up and stopped what I was doing.

Fear of dying when you're your own executioner is an odd thing. Your body wants out of this plan you've made for you both. It responds like you'd expect when someone's life in under threat. It makes you have to run to the bathroom over and over, it makes your heart hammer in your chest and your ears ring.

There was no crying. Not at that point. I don't think there was crying when I gave up and accepted that I was staying alive, either. But I can't remember.

I don't know what I did during the few hours after that. The physical consequences of what I did were gone within half an hour or so -- being so ill, I knew not to try something that would land me in the ER during COVID, should I not complete the plan. I'd also be on my own there, and most likely dissociated to such a degree that I wouldn't be able to move or speak. That's not something I ever wanted to experience again, and a fucking horrible starting point if I survived.

Anyway, I was okay physically soon enough, which is not how it usually goes. I just remember being fuzzy and distant and alone. There was no one to call, and I also thought about how it would feel to get a call like that. I considered a crisis hotline, but didn't have the energy to explain my messy, complicated circumstances. I probably just lay there.

A few hours later, I was present enough to watch the finale. Still don't know how. Dissociation has it occasional advantages, one of which is being disconnected from certain things when it's all too much. And so I watched the final episode in bed, with the aftermath of that suicide attempt still all around me.

I watched Dean die the way he did. I watched Sam die. I watched them both being given the pained, tearful reassurance that it was okay to go. Watched them being held, watched those two strong, kindhearted, emotional, loyal men crying as they breathed their last. Dean's death, especially, broke my heart. He so clearly did not want to die. Was afraid, more than ever before.

I did cry then. I sobbed. I could cry for them. Hell, I could cry for that dog, wandering with Sam through the empty halls of the bunker. I cried as that dog looked up, with all that trust and love, at the only human he had left. I cried for Sam, sitting drained and aching in the dark library. Saying "I know, me too" on the unmade bed in Dean's cold, empty room.

Before that, back in the barn, I watched Dean not want to go. Sam begging him not to go, then forcing himself to tell his older brother what he needed, what he begged to hear. That he wasn't abandoning the one person he had spent his life looking out for. That Sam would survive him going, now that he had to go.

I never saved the world, and there's nothing heroic about me. But so much of what went on around those characters' deaths echoed what I had felt hours earlier, what I still was feeling. It gave me a safe way to cry for that, too.

I will always be grateful to the show for that small mercy. And grateful to Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki, whom I've never met and never will, and have given such phenomenal performances here that they reached through all that distance, to unknowingly touch an ache that I could not cry for. They'll never know that. I imagine there are so many people like me who feel the same gratefulness, too, for their own similar moments of human connection.

The show is over now, and I try not to be sad about that, and I'm sure I will be. It would be sadder if I didn't feel a loss. Meanwhile, life doesn't stall just because you tried to stop your own. It's around two weeks later now, bright and loud outside my window in a world that's not safe for me to go out in, and I am lying in bed in a half-lit room trying to manage my pain. I didn't die. I'm still here.

I can't pretend I'm glad that I am, but I also know that I'm not ready to go yet. I'm just not. I have no good reason for that; sometimes you're just too afraid to die. And so I can't see myself trying to go away again any time soon. My health might take care of that for me anyway, but otherwise, looks like I'm stuck on this ride.

I'm very grateful that I've had SPN and its people for so long through this battle, to give me and the rest of the fandom so much more than meets the eye. And I'm grateful for that last, good cry, too.

Well, not the last cry, for sure. There's always rewatch #475783.

#spoilers #supernatural finale #triggering stuff #surviving #Suicide #supernatural 15x20 #supernatural #15x20 spoilers #ptsd #cptsd #trauma

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lilulo-12fanfiction · 5 years ago

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Say It Again

Say It Again- Bucky Barnes x Reader

Requested by @Winter-In-Wakanda for a Stark!Sister Reader and prompt 150. “Do whatever you want, I don’t care.” Girl is after my own little heart with a Stark!Reader request.

Okay...so for this one...we're pretending Infinity War & End Game didn't happen...because Cannon sometimes interferes with my ideas. Once again...this one got away from me, like almost 10K words. I hope you guys like it. It turned into something I didn't expect it to turn into. I always try to pre-plan these and then my imagination takes over and I end up someplace completely different. I am super in to Bucky stories lately if you haven’t been able to tell. I’m a little unsure on this one so I hope it’s up to snuff.

As always likes, comments and reblogs are SO APPRECIATED. Requests are open (Avengers, Supernatural, TVD/The Originals. I do dabble in some Green Arrow and The Flash (DC TV Only please). Prompt list can be found here.

Please let me know if you would like to be added to this tag list or one of my others.

Avengers Tag List: @shreddedparchment @fanfictionjunkie1112@this-is-mycrisis

Avengers Masterlist

“You know what? DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! I DON’T CARE!” You could still feel Tony’s anger the day you told him you were going to Wakanda to help Sergeant Barnes. 8 years and you could still feel his voice reverberating through you. “He killed our parents!” Tony had spat. You let him feel his anger. When he was done ranting, raving and feeling his feelings you put your hand on his and he looked down at the scars on your wrist and you quickly pulled it away.

“Tony, we both know what Hydra is capable of.” They had taken you hostage and tortured you just to get to Tony and the rest of the Avengers. You weren’t a super hero by any means, but anyone who knew anything about Tony Stark knew how important his baby sister was to him. Being Iron Man had put a big red target on your back. It was rare you were unguarded, but Hydra had played the long game and gotten to you anyway. “It wasn’t his fault. They made him into that monster. He was a good man. He IS a good man. He deserves a chance to have his life back. I can help Shuri make that happen. I need you to understand.”

It took him a while, but he did understand and he agreed that James Barnes deserved a shot at redemption. He kissed you on your cheek and put you on a jet to Wakanda with his blessing.

Shuri knew she could get the programming out of Bucky so that no one could ever use those words against him again. Yet the trauma would remain. The horrible memories. That took time to heal. Steve Rogers knew that if anyone could give him his best friend back, it would be you. He was waiting for you as you stepped off of the jet with a big smile and a hug. You linked your arm through his and he took you to meet T’Challah, Shuri and Bucky.

“Welcome Dr. Stark. We’re happy to have you join us.” T’Challah led you and Steve through his home, which was one hell of a palace. He was a King after all. You walked down a large corridor to an area that reminded you a great deal of Tony’s lab. “This Dr. Stark is my sister Shuri.” The youthful smile on her face made you feel at home. When you pictured a princess in your mind, she wasn't what you had imagined, and that was the best part about her. She shook your hand with enthusiasm.

“Dr. Stark, this is truly a pleasure. I’ve read some of your papers. Some of the work you and your brother have done is quite remarkable. Though I thought you were a medical doctor?” You smiled at her excitement. It wasn’t often someone knew you for you and not for Iron Man first.

“I also studied trauma and psychology. I’m sure you know both my brother and I have experienced some severe trauma.” You looked down at the scars on your wrists. “My brother dealt with some severe PTSD a few years back. I was the only one he trusted to help him through it.”

“Dr. Stark is brilliant. We’re going to miss having her at the compound taking care of us all after missions. Though I’m sure someone less trained could handle some stitches.” Steve joked as you elbowed him in the stomach. He put his arm around you and turned you to the man you felt like you knew already. You and Steve became fast friends. You were one of the few people he talked to about Bucky.

“Y/N, this is Bucky.” You were met with an intense stare. He was as good looking as the pictures you had seen of him in the museum, just a little more rough around the edges. He was arguably the most handsome man you had ever laid eyes on, and you were standing next to Captain America. And then he smiled at you and you knew that you were in trouble the second you felt your mouth go dry and your heart beat just a little faster.

“Thank you, for coming and helping me. I know this can't be easy for you." It seemed he wanted to say more but stopped himself. You nodded and stuck your hand out for him to shake.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Sergeant Barnes.”

“Please...call me Bucky.” You didn't know how you were going to get through this with him looking at you like that.

It was amazing how meeting one person could change the course of your entire life. ***

”How are you feeling Sergeant Barnes?” You walked into the exam room. There he sat, the infamous Winter Soldier. He studied you silently for a moment. His blue eyes bore into yours.

“You can call me Bucky.”

“I can’t call you that.” You shook your head. Shuri was watching the two of you out of the corner of her eye and smiled to herself. She could sense something between the two of you the first day she saw the two of you interact. Bucky had been willing to acknowledge it. You however, were stubborn and refused to. Bucky gave you a questioning look but didn’t push you further. You were trying to keep a professional wall between the two of you. It had been a struggle over the last year. The urge to have a personal relationship with him was palpable. Bucky was well...Bucky. Despite all of the trauma and damage that Hydra layered in, he still had his incredible charm. It may have been 70 years since he was interested in a woman, but it was like riding a bike. He laid in on thick every chance he got. But you were here to do a job. It was your job to help Bucky work through his trauma the way you had helped Tony work through his. You felt like a hypocrite because yours always bubbled right under the surface.

He tried to get you to spend time with him outside of your time in this room. You continually denied him. If you were in the gym when he came in, you either popped your ear buds in or left shortly after he entered. The last time this had happened, Bucky's disappointment was apparent. T'Challah, ever observant put a hand on Bucky's shoulder and commented how the ones that were the most worth it were the hardest to catch. You were giving Bucky a run for his money.

The hardest day for the both of you had been the day you discussed December 16th, 1991. It hadn’t been the first time you had seen Bucky shed a few tears, but it was the first time he saw you cry. It was also the first time you had let him cross the patient line and hug you. You had felt safe for the first time in a long time as the Super Soldier held you to him whispering how sorry he was. You reassured him that you didn’t blame HIM. You separated James Barnes from the Winter Soldier. He needed to do the same thing. They were not one in the same.

Bucky had thought he had finally broken down your wall. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t think about you when you weren’t with him. The curve of your face. The way your eyes lit up when you smiled. Your snarky sense of humor. He was excited for his next session. Yet a few days later when you saw him again, your walls were back up and it was business as usual. He was disappointed. You were giving him an expectant look. He had gotten lost in his thoughts of you. He snapped himself out of it and answered your question.

“I feel more like myself. But I think he’s still there under the surface.” You wrote some notes down.

“What about the nightmares?” You looked up from your notes.

“I still have them, they’re not nearly as frequent or intense.”

“Do you still feel like you’re a danger to others Sergeant?”

“Bucky.” You pursed your lips. “And I’m not sure. Shuri couldn’t activate me with the words.” You smiled at him and his heart almost jumped out of his chest, he was sure of it.

“Sergeant Barnes. I think we can confidently say your programming has been removed.”

“Are you sure? What if I leave here and something happens? I don’t know if I could live with myself if I hurt another person like that.” You set his file down and put your hand on his forearm.

“We have tried multiple times to use the activation words...they no longer have an affect on you. While T’Challah has made it clear you are more than welcome to stay as long as you’d like, it’s time to stop hiding in Wakanda.” Bucky scoffed and looked away.

“I’m not hiding. And I’m still having nightmares.” He was looking down at the floor.

“So do I.” His head snapped up and he studied you in your sleeveless shirt. There were scars on your wrists and a few on your upper right shoulder. Usually you sought to cover them but the Wakanda summer was stifling. There was a story there. He just wasn’t sure what. “I still see my brother as a captive with a bag over his head. I still see him falling out of the sky..among other things. Recovery is progressive. You aren’t all of the sudden better. You learn to live with your demons and find a way to move on and be happy.” Bucky put his hand over yours.

“And are you?” You furrowed your brow. “Happy. Are you happy?” You slowly pulled your hand from his.

“We aren’t talking about me. Look, you’re ready. You’ve been ready. Steve needs you. The Avengers need you. It’s time to get back to your life.” You turned to walk out of the room.

“Y/N!” Bucky yelled your name and it turned. “We leave here- you can’t hide behind being my doctor.” You stared each other down for a moment and then turned again and left the room.

***

,Your heels kept getting stuck in the dirt as you walked through Wakanda toward’s where Bucky’s place was. Bucky stepped out and watched you struggle for a moment and rushed over laughing to help you. You had come down to make sure he was ready to go. You promised Steve you would get him on that jet. It had taken another two weeks for him to agree.

“Why the hell would you wear those shoes?” You glared at him.

“I wear three inches or I wear nothing!." You wrinkled your nose at the goats.

"You are NOT bringing those to New York.”

“You’re such a girl.” He rolled his eyes and slung a bag over his shoulder. It had taken some convincing from you and Shuri but he had agreed it was time to leave. “You really didn’t need to come out here. Everything I have is in this bag. I told you I was going to go back, I meant it. I wouldn't lie to you and I wouldn't make it hard for you either. I Know you want to go home too."

“I made a promise to Steve to get you back to yourself and get you home. I intend to follow through. Regardless of how long it took” He stood there, freshly cut hair, jeans and a short sleeved shirt that was the same color as his eyes, his vibrainian arm reflecting the bright sun. It was a far cry from his normal Wakandan wardrobe. Though he would be beautiful wearing a trash bag.

“So that’s all this is? Fulfilling an obligation?” He took a few steps towards you and was standing too close to you. You felt the alarm bells going off in your head, but you couldn’t step away. He was like a magnet.

“I wanted to help you. As soon as Steve told me what happened I wanted to help you. You're not an obligation. You're more than that and you know it.” He studied your face for a moment and before you could move he had scooped you up bridal style and started walking towards the hangar where the jet would be picking you up. “SERGEANT BARNES PUT ME DOWN” you screeched.

“Jesus Y/N, I may be deaf in that ear from now on. We don’t have time for you to literally tip toe back in those shoes because you refuse to wear flats. We're wheels up in 10.” You groaned and gave him a dirty look. You felt the heat rising to your cheeks as you got closer and could see the smirk on Shuri and T’Challa’s faces. When he finally placed your feet on the ground you took a few large steps away from him like he had a disease. He rolled his eyes and said his goodbyes and thank yous to the pair of siblings in front of him.

Shuri gave you a hug. “It was a pleasure working with you, I hope to do so again.” You agreed and bid her goodbye and did the same with her brother.

"Good Luck Dr. Stark. I'm sure we will meet again." T'Challah gave you a kind smile and led you onto the jet.

You stepped into the jet that already had your things. Tony had sent a Shield agent to pick you and Bucky up, he had wanted to come himself but had to finish up a project. You looked over at him and could see the nerves on his face. You gave him a kind smile and took a seat and strapped yourself in. You pulled out your earbuds to play some music as you took off. You hated flying. And it was a good trek from Wakanda to New York.

Bucky had been hoping that you could have held a real conversation on the flight back. He was desperate to get to know you on a deeper level. You had denied him for so long. He let out a disappointed sigh. He would just have to work on it once you were back in New York.

An hour into the flight and Bucky was in his own world when he heard a distressful cry come from your lips. His head snapped up and he realized you were asleep and having a nightmare. He watched as your face twisted in anguish. "No...no please don't." slipped from your lips and Bucky felt his heart crack a little bit. He slipped next to you and l gently shook you.

"Y/N...wake up sweetheart." He clenched his jaw as you thrashed slightly, wanting to hunt down the person that hurt you enough to plague your dreams. "Y/N..."He shook you again. Your eyes shot open frantically as you inhaled deeply and shot forward. Bucky wrapped his arms around you to ground you. "It's okay. It was just a dream. It's okay." He cooed in your ear. You focused on his heart beat to get your breathing back to normal. You slowly peeled yourself away.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to fall asleep." You couldn't remember the last time you slept and didn't have a nightmare. He was sure he saw shame in your eyes as you looked away.

"Y/N...do not apologize to me. You didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't have to worry about falling asleep, especially around me. You helped save me. Is it so bad if you let me help you a little bit?" He watched as you blinked back tears and contemplated what he said.

"Thank you Sergeant Barnes" You pulled yourself out of his arms, but didn't move completely away. He sighed.

"Bucky...my name is Bucky."

***

Bucky watched as a different Y/N emerged the moment the two of you got off of the jet. Your face lit up as you ran to Steve and he scooped you up in a hug. Bucky felt red hot jealousy coursing through his veins. For the first time he found himself curios about your relationship with Steve. Were you more than friends, is that why you kept him at arms length?

“Where is she? Dammit Rogers I wanted to greet her first! Why didn’t you tell me she was here?” Tony came running out to the hanger disappointment clouding his face.

You had been only 8 when Howard and Maria died. Tony with the help of those in his life had taken care of you. It was hard for Tony, he was rather young himself, but there was no way he was letting you go to anyone else. It had been you and Tony against the world.

“We did. You were too focused on your work.” Natasha rolled her eyes. You gave Natasha a huge smile.

You slipped out or Steve’s arms and launched yourself at Tony, almost knocking him over. “I missed you so much!” Bucky couldn’t help but smile at the display of sibling affection.

“I missed you too kid.” Soon Steve was greeting Bucky and reintroducing him to the team members he had met before and giving introductions to those he hadn’t. There was an awkward tension as Bucky approached Tony.

“Barnes.” Tony nodded. Everyone was collectively holding their breath. Tony rolled his eyes dramatically. “Look, I’m not going to apologize for trying to kill you in Siberia. But I’m glad you were able to get help and get back to yourself. You can thank my baby sister for opening my eyes to the truth is the matter. That wasn’t you, it was someone else. And as long as that monster is long gone, and I have been assured he is, you’re more than welcome here. We could really use your expertise. Plus we need someone to put Rogers in his place. The Super Soldier advantage is going to his head.” Tony stuck his hand out and Bucky shook it.

“Thank you Tony. I’m glad to be here. And Y/N will have forever have my gratitude. She helped put me back together. I owe her my life.” Bucky gave you a fond look and he watched you blush slightly. It gave him some satisfaction that he had an affect on you.

“You’re not the only one, trust me.” Tony had his arm around you and smiled down.

“C’mon and see all the cool shIt I’ve made since you’ve been gone” Tony turned you around and led you to his lab, ready to catch up on the past year and a half.

“Alright Buck, let me show you around. I’m so glad you’re here.” Steve beamed at him and led him into the compound. Steve showed Bucky the common area, where the gym was, meeting rooms he pointed where everyone else stayed. You had your own wing of the tower, where as the team members minus Tony were closer together. Bucky was on the same wing as Steve and Sam. As Steve led Bucky to his door, he could tell something was weighing on his mind.

“You look like you want to ask me something.” Steve finally said.

“You and Y/N...are you guys like a thing?” Steve laughed.

“No...I mean once upon a time she used to flirt with me. Mostly because she thought it was hilarious how embarrassed I got. And she’s beautiful, don’t get me wrong, but no. We’re just really good friends. We’ve gone through some shit together so we’re close. But nothing ever romantic. Why?” Steve narrowed his eyes at Bucky.

“I was just curious. She was just really happy to see you so I didn’t know.”

“She hasn’t dated anyone in a really long time. Get settled and get some shut eye. G’night.”

“Night Steve.”

“Buck...it’s really good to have you here.” Bucky smiled.

“I’m glad to be here.”

***

You and Bucky had been back in New York for two weeks. It was August and disgustingly hot. You were so happy to be home so you could feel comfortable in your own skin and didn’t feel like you had to cover everything up like you did in Wakanda. You had only gone sleeveless a few times and always felt eyes on the scars you had. Now you were with your family, they didn’t ask questions because they knew. The only prying eyes were that of Bucky Barnes, but he would never asked.

You had tried to keep your interactions to a minimum, convinced that if you drastically cut your time down with him, the feelings you had stirring inside would go away. You had cut that part of yourself off. You didn’t plan on revisiting that. You were content without a relationship. You had Tony and Pepper, Steve, Natasha, Rhodey and Sam. That was all you needed.

Tony had tried to talk you into going back to the hospital. You were a gifted general surgeon, but you just didn’t want to. Being the team doctor was enough. It wasn’t like you needed the money. Tony was happy to have you exclusively but you were so talented. You were great at helping other people, he was concerned you were letting your demons win by not going back. You had bounced back almost completely but there was still a part of you that would always be on guard.

There was a huge in ground pool and an outdoor patio at the compound and you were thrilled to enjoy it. You were clad in a ruffled coral and black flowered takini top, high waisted bottoms and large black sunglasses.

Natasha was sitting by the pool with Wanda while Steve, Bucky and Sam were in the pool enjoying the day. Bucky watched as you smiled widely at Nat and Wanda, your whole face lit up. You had a tattoo that he had never seen before because the pencil skirts you wore religiously, that drove him crazy, were always right at your knee. It was watercolor with a dream catcher design, it went from your hip all the way down your thigh. He understood the meaning after witnessing your nightmare on the jet. He had to force himself to look away from you before someone noticed that he was staring.

“Stark! Those look like the glasses you wear when you get Lasik eye surgery they’re so big.” Sam yelled over. You flipped him off and sat down next to Natasha. Bucky let out a sigh that caught Steve’s attention.

“What’s up Buck?”

“She hates me.”

“Y/N?” Steve looked over at Bucky confusion clouding his face.

“Nah, she doesn’t hate anyone for starters and dude she went to Wakanda for you. If she hated you, she wouldn't have stayed” Sam shrugged

“We spent a year and a half together and she avoids me like I have a contagious disease. Do you know she has not once called me by my first name. It’s always Sergeant Barnes. I’ve begged her to call me Bucky. I thought maybe it was just how she was. But then I see how she is with you guys, with Clint when he was here. And I know that we have a complicated past and you’ve known her longer. But she won’t even make eye contact with me.”

“Well someone has a crush.” Sam grinned and jumped back before Bucky could punch him. “Don’t take it personally. She has trust issues. She just knew us before.”

“Sam.” Steve used a warning tone.

“Before what?” Bucky looked back and forth between the two men. He knew there was something in your past, the scars on your body told him so. “You can’t say something like that and then NOT tell me.” Bucky crossed his arms. Steve pinched the bridge of his nose before beginning the story.

“She wasn’t always like this. She was actually a lot like Tony. Out going, a bit of a wild side, very open. Man...she was something else. Being Tony’s sister and close with so many of us really put her in the spot light. So we kept a close watch on her. She was an easy target. Not enhanced, no suit, and being close to us could be dangerous. She started dating this guy Bryan. Tony did the most extensive background check I’ve ever seen. We kept an eye on him and he passed with flying colors. She was so damn happy. They were together for a year, he even proposed. Then one night, she didn’t come home from the hospital. Normally if she was staying there she’d text me and let me know because if Tony was in the lab working he wouldn’t even notice. I thought maybe she had an emergency surgery. I was going to call if I didn’t hear from her by 11pm. I fell asleep. We had a really rough mission and I was beat. When I woke up at 5am she still wasn’t home. I called the hospital and she had scrubbed out of surgery at 7. They were certain she didn’t leave any later than 8:30pm. I called Bryan thinking maybe she was with him after she didn’t answer her phone. He said she wasn’t there and was frantic with worry. He came here and we all tried to figure out where the hell she was. I knew it was bad. I knew someone had her. Then we got the video. She was stripped down to a tank top and her underwear and she was soaking wet. It was Hydra. They proceeded to zap her with a cattle prod.” Steve had to stop for a moment to compose himself. The memories fresh in his mind. “Believe me when I tell you that was the nicest thing they did to her. We were waiting for demands and all of the sudden Bryan was gone. He....he was a Hydra operative. He took her. How we didn’t catch it, I’ll never know. When we finally found her, it...it was bad. They tried to get info from her about the compound and our missions. She didn't know much of anything. Tony never wanted her exposed to it, he thought he was keeping her safe. Maybe if she could have given them what they wanted it wouldn't have been as bad.” Steve shuddered. “She understandably shut down. She stopped operating, she would leave the compound. Tony brought in so many therapists and no one could reach her. He was desperate. She had gone and studied psychology to help him and he couldn’t help her. Eventually she found a doctor she liked and started to bounce back. She was slowly getting back to herself, but she still refuses to work at the hospital. And then everything came out about her parents. I thought it would set her back but it seemed to awaken something in her. She had a taste of what you went through. She was determined that Hydra wouldn’t win. She wanted to help you. She did help you. She's just not great at trusting new people, understandably so.

Bucky contemplated what Steve said. He quelled the guilt he felt about her parents, the way she taught him to. He looked over at you and then back to Steve, it was like a light went off.

“The tattoo?” He looked back to Steve.

“They cover the worst of the scars Hydra left behind. The ones on her wrists are from being tied up. The ones on her shoulder were from the cattle prod.” Bucky felt sick to his stomach. Steve couldn’t bring himself to tell him what the tattoo was covering up and how she got it.

"Jesus. I mean I get it. I get her being cautious with someone she doesn't know, especially a man. But she wasn't like this with T'Challah or anyone else in Wakanda. She knew she could trust him. She should know she can trust me. Why else would she spend so much time alone with me?" A smile slowly spread over Sam's Face.

"She likes you." Bucky and Steve both looked over at Sam. Bucky scoffed. "I'm serious. That's the difference. She has a thing for you. She's trying to keep it super professional with the "Sergeant Barnes". Steve, we both know she's terrified to get involved with anyone, so it makes sense, she's keeping him at arms length. Believe me, we've tried to introduce her to someone else. Break her out of her shell. But you could be exactly what she needs Freezer Pop." Bucky shot Sam a nasty glare. Steve was just happy someone else was being made fun of besides him. “I’m just saying don’t give up. I mean don’t over do it, but I think you’d be good for her.” Bucky was shocked by Sam’s compliment. He turned his gaze back to you. Your bright smile, hearty laugh. He was determined to get you to let him in.

“What happened to Bryan?” Both Sam and Steve’s eyes darkened.

“Natasha. Natasha happened to Bryan.”

***

Another two weeks had passed and you had successfully avoided any alone time with Bucky Barnes, that was until right that moment. The temperature had cooled considerably in the last week and you wanted to take advantage of the clear night and walk around the compound.

“Y/N! Wait up!” You came to a halt and turned and watched as Bucky jogged towards you. You held your breath. You knew you couldn’t avoid him forever.

“Where are you going?”

“Just for a walk. I need some air.”

“Can I join you?” He was staring down at you with a soft smile. Even though everything inside of your brain screamed no, your heart won out and you said yes. He gave you a boyish grin and opened the door for you to exit the building. You walked in silence for a while.

“It’s a beautiful night.” you finally commented, not being able to take the silence anymore.

“It sure is.” When you looked over, he was staring directly at you and you stopped walking. Bucky cleared his throat. “So what made you decide to stop avoiding me?”

“Sergeant-“ Bucky groaned.

“If you call me Sergeant Barnes one more time I swear to God himself I’m going to scream.” You looked at him wide eyed. You stared each other down for a moment You started to say something and stopped multiple times. Bucky finally spoke up again. “Y/N, you don’t have to be afraid of me.” You wrapped your arms around yourself and looked away.

“Who told you?”

“Steve...but only because Sam let something slip and he didn’t have a choice.”

"Fucking Sam and his big fucking mouth." You groaned. You were dreading the pity in his eyes, but when you looked at him you saw something else, you just weren’t sure what it was. Bucky took your silence as his cue to continue.

“Look, I know you were hurt, bad. But there is something here. I felt it the day you walked into that lab in Wakanda. Please don’t push me away. Just get to know me."

"I do know you." You looked away from him again. You jumped slightly when you felt his hand lightly wrap around your upper arm, you slowly looked up into his eyes, feeling yourself waver.

“No...you know the Winter Solider. You don't know Bucky Barnes. We will take this slow. Maybe stop avoiding me to start?" He gave you a small smile.

"Okay." your brain was slowly loosing the war with your heart. Your resolve was slowly breaking down.

"Wait...really?" You laughed.

"Yes really....Bucky." He positively beamed.

"Say it again."

"What?"

"My name, say it again." you rolled your eyes.

"Bucky."

"I promise you, you wont regret this." He slowly put his arm around you and continued your walk. You felt your heart pounding, part from anxiety part from the sheer excitement of being so close to James Buchanan Barnes.

***

Another month had passed. Bucky had taken you out for coffee a few times, you'd forced him to watch a few movies he had missed and refused to admit he actually liked. True to his word, he was taking his time. Letting you get to know him. You were like a baby deer, he knew if he moved too quickly he'd spook you. He'd be lying if he said he wasn't dying to kiss you. But he made the decision that he wouldn't do that until he was 100% certain you wanted him to, but it was killing him.

"Sergeant Barnes" Friday's sharp voice grabbed his attention. It had taken Bucky a while to get used to Friday. She still scared the hell out of him every time she called out to him. He let his heart rate go back to normal before he answered her.

"Yes Friday?"

"Ms. Stark is in distress. She needs some assistance." Steve and Tony were on a mission. Sam was out on a date and Natasha was visiting Clint and his family. It had literally just been you and Y/N for the evening. You had ordered in some dinner and he had told her stories of himself and Steve growing up. He had quite literally walked you to your bedroom door and bid you goodnight. He had put his hand on your cheek and rubbed it slightly with his thumb before he had walked away. It had been a good night, or he had thought.

"Is her room locked?" Bucky was moving quickly to your wing of the compound. "No, I disabled the lock." Friday responded.

When Bucky reached your door he had planned on knocking but he heard you screaming so he threw the door open. You were tangled up in your blankets thrashing in your bed like someone was holding you down. Beads of sweat covered your face and body. You were in the throws of a nasty nightmare. "No...please no. No more...I don't know anything" you cried. Your body stiffened like a board. If he didn't know better he would have thought you had a seizure.

He sat down next to you. "Y/N...wake up. Please wake up." he tried to shake you lightly but you thrashed away. He took hold of both of your shoulders and shook you hard. "Y/N Wake up!" he yelled. As your eyes shot open you pushed him away as you sat up trying to scramble away from him. He wrapped his arms around you so you didn't hurt yourself and held you close to him as you tried to fight him away. "Shhh...it's okay. It's me, It's Bucky. You're safe. You're in your bed at the compound. Stop fighting me. I'm not going to hurt you." It took a good 5 minuets for you to calm down. You slowly stopped fighting and he felt you slip your arms around his torso and bury your face in his neck. He felt your hot tears against his skin. "You're okay." he kept saying over and over. After a little while you pulled away and you looked positively shattered.

"I'm sorry for hitting you. I....I didn't realize it was you." He wiped the tears from your cheeks and tucked your hair behind your ears.

"Doll...you couldn't hurt me if you really tried." You smiled a little. "That was a bad one." He had heard her cry out before, many times, but nothing this bad. The only other time she didn't wake herself up was when they were on the jet from Wakanda.

"I haven't had a nightmare like that in a really long time."

"Do you want to talk about it." You sighed and took a moment to meet his eyes.

"Sometimes...when I dream, I can still smell my flesh burning." He hadn't expected you to say that. You pulled your leg out from under the blanket. You were wearing an over sized Stark Industry T-shirt and a pair of shorts. It was the first time he had seen your leg and tattoo up close. You took his hand and placed it on the tattoo so he could feel the scarring. It took him a moment to get over the shock, but you wanted him to feel the scar, you knew he would recognize it. It had a distinct shape. It took him a moment to realize what it was and he looked up at you, horrified. The mark was huge. It was almost the entire size of your Tattoo. "They branded me with the Hydra symbol. I've felt pain before...but nothing, nothing like that. Please don't look at me like that. Like you feel sorry for me."

"It's not pity, Y/N. It's admiration. That you made it through that."

"You made it through worse. I'm a fraud. I preached to you, and to my brother about working through your trauma. About recovery. And here I am, years later still so damaged. I didn't want to get involved with you partly because I was scared to let someone in, that's true. But mostly because I'm so damn broken and you deserve someone who isn't." You put your hand over his that was still resting on your leg.

"Y/N...don't you get it...all of us here are a little bit broken. You, Me, Steve, your brother, Nat, even Sam has his demons. You can't be a solider and not have them. But we get through it because we have each other. The reason why I feel so much for you is because you understand. How could I ever be with someone who didn't? I love you, broken pieces and all." It took Bucky a moment to realize what he had said to you as he took in your wide eyed look.

"What did you say?" You whispered. He took a deep breath and smiled at you.

"I love you. Broken pieces and all." You hadn't been seeing each other all that long, but you had spent almost two years together. He had been in love with you before you even agreed to semi-date him. He just hadn’t realized it until recently. He was bracing himself for you to pull away. Instead, you jumped up on your knees, grabbed his face with both of your hands and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around your waist, pulled you into his lap and kissed you back. When you both finally pulled away, you were breathless. You had even surprised yourself. For the first time since Steve Rogers had pulled you from Hydra's dungeon you did something completely spontaneous and dove in without over thinking it.

"I didn't think anyone could ever love me. He told me that I was easy to fool because I was so desperate to love, yet I was unlovable.” Bucky clenched his jaw, certain that if Natasha hadn’t killed him, that he would hunt him down and do it himself.

"How could I not be completely in love with you? You’re so smart, and funny, you care about so many people. You save lives. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Through the eyes of everyone else that you know, but especially mine. God...Y/N...you're everything. You can’t believe a thing that monster said to you." You rested your forehead against his. You wanted to say it back...more than anything, but you weren't just ready. Instead...you did what you could do. You reached over into your nightstand and pulled out a little black box and handed it to him after you sat back down next to him. His eyes darkened when he opened it. It was an engagement ring. White gold, two karats and emerald cut.

"You’re right. I know that you’re right. I just can’t seem to get his words out of my head.” You paused and then gestured to the ring. “That's the ring he proposed to me with. It was the classic proposal. We were at a restaurant, it was Valentine’s Day...he put the ring in the dessert, then he got down on one knee. It was everything I thought I ever wanted. He played me. I've held onto it for so long because I wanted to remind myself how he betrayed me. Remind myself that I couldn't trust anyone other than my family. Well my family that is in this compound anyway. I didn't think I would ever be ready and then I met you." He studied your face, trying to figure out where this was going, but he couldn't tell. You had so many emotions sprawled across your face. "I want you to get rid of it. I don't need it anymore."

"Are you sure?" Bucky knew what it was like to hold onto the darkness of your past, it could serve as a blanket of sorts, he knew what it was like to use pain to keep you warm at night.

"Yes. Go...put it down the garbage disposal, burn it, shoot it, I don't care. Just get it away from me and then comeback and lay with me. " He kissed you lightly on your lips, told you he would be right back and ran out of the room. True to his word, 20 minutes later he was back with some extra pillows and climbed into your bed and pulled you close to him. Neither of you said anything else. It was the first time you slept without nightmares in years.

***

"Ahh haaaaaa...I KNEW IT." Sam laughed. He had come to visit you in the med bay as you were organizing your supplies. Tony was off in his lab working on his latest project. Steve, Natasha and Bucky were off on a mission to bust an arms dealer. It left you to entertain Sam.

"Shut up Sammy." You glared at him...it was the most pathetic glare he had ever seen.

"Sergeant Barnes..." he teased. "I KNEW you had it bad for him the moment he said you would only call him that...the way you were brushing him off, ignoring him. Girl I know you. And damn it's about time you put out for that boy. I couldn't stand the brooding anymore."

"You're such an asshole." you jumped back as he poked at your stomach teasing you further.

"But seriously Y/N...you seem so happy. Like a burden has been lifted. I'm really happy for you. I'm even happy for our little Popsicle." you laughed a full belly laugh.

"I have to say, Steve is so happy that someone else gets made fun of about being frozen because my brother is relentless." Your ears perked up when you heard the Quinjet land in the bay.

"Look at how excited you are." Sam teased. You flipped him off and then laughed. Your happiness was abruptly halted when you heard Steve scream your name. You and Sam gave each other a concerned look and ran out to meet him.

"It's Bucky. It's bad. He was shot...it's, it’s really bad...he’s not healing. He's lost a lot of blood. We were going to take him to the hospital but he refused. He said he didn't want anyone touching him but you."

"I can't operate on him! He's my boyfriend. Jesus...get him in here." You turned to Sam. "Go get me the hemostatic gauze. It's in the top shelf of the far left cabinet." You hurried back into the med bay and starting washing up. "Friday!" you yelled.

"Yes Ms. Stark?"

"Tell Dr. Banner I need him in the Med Bay." You somehow turned off your emotions and moved quickly into business mode. Steve and Natasha carried Bucky into the room and got him up on the table. "Steve....use those scissors and cut his suit off of him so I can see what we're dealing with." You went up to Bucky's head and smoothed his hair back.

"Hey gorgeous." He whispered, his lips were pale.

"Hey...hey. I'm going to fix you up okay? Don't try to talk. And don't you dare die on me okay?" You clenched your jaw and got to work.

A few hours later you sat outside of the room Bucky was recovering in. You twirled the strange bullet around in your fingers, staring off into space. Steve sat down next to you and pulled you out of your thoughts.

"What the hell is that?"

"This...is the bullet that almost killed him. When it entered his skin, it expanded, blocking him from healing. There must be something else about it that makes it effective on anyone with enhanced healing abilities. THAT is for my brother and Bruce to figure out. I have no idea. But they were ready for you and Bucky. They wanted to take you out. Steve...why did you listen to him instead of taking him to the nearest hospital?"

"Y/N...he was adamant that it be you. He wanted to be brought to you. He fought me and Natasha the entire way. I was afraid if he kept fighting he'd bleed out so we brought him here. Honestly, the only other person that is equipped to save him is Helen Cho...and she's further away." You leaned forward and put your face in your hands.

"He's lucky. Really freaking lucky." Steve put a steadying hand on your back. You gave him a side glance. "I don't know what I would have done if he died and I didn't get to tell him I loved him."

"He knows. You’ve shown him in a thousand different ways. You guys have been together for 6 months. He knows that you aren't ready to say it. That it's going to take a while for you to be ready to say it. But he knows you do. You show him you do even if you can't say it. The day you had him trash that ring he knew."

"He told you about that?" You whispered. You hadn’t told anyone you had kept the ring that long.

"He tells me everything. Just like I tell him everything. But you’re all he talks about.”

"Steve...I didn't think I could ever love anyone again.I love him so much. He’s been so patient with me, so understanding. Anyone else would have given up on me by now. I can't lose him."

"Tell him that. You know how short life is. You know how quickly it can end. Don't wait."

"I mean...I feel like you can't tell me how short life is. You're like 100 years old." He pushed you away from him and laughed.

"Real funny, Y/N...real funny."

"I'm going to go sit with him and wait for him to wake up."

Bucky felt you before he opened his eyes and physically saw you. You held his hand in yours, slowly rubbing your thumb over his hand. He slowly opened his eyes. You were looking down at the floor and didn't realize he was awake, it wasn't until he squeezed your hand until you shot your eyes up.

"Bucky!" You jumped up and were fussing over him. "How do you feel? You should be close to healed now that I got that bullet out. Does anything hurt?" and you continued to rattle off question after question.

"Sweetheart, slow down." You stopped at looked at him and then slapped him in the shoulder. "OW! What are you doing? I was just shot!” You smacked him again.

"Yeah...and you're a Super Solider! Now that the bullet is gone you're fine. Why didn't you go to the nearest hospital?! They could have at least started to treat you and I could have come to you. Or better yet we could have gotten Helen there! I'm not supposed to operate on loved ones! It's against like everything I ever agreed to. You could have freaking died before you got here!"

"Geeze...I get...what like two minutes of sympathy and then you're yelling at me? I didn't trust anyone else. And I just wanted you." You leaned forward and pressed a hard kiss to his lips. "Are you alright? You're acting a little bipolar right now." He joked.

"You almost died." You whispered.

"But I didn't." he put his hand on the side of your cheek. "You can't get rid of me that easily sweetheart. I’m in this for the long haul."

"I love you. I'm sorry I didn't say it sooner. I love you...so much. More than anything." You kissed him again.

"Say it again."

"I love you."

"Say it again...with my name."

"Bucky, I love you." You kissed him again.

"Seriously...stop making out. You guys are vile" Sam said with disgust.

"Get out!" Bucky threw a pillow at Sam, but hit Steve instead.

"Dude...seriously you should have seen her in action. Your girl's got some skills.” Sam sat on the other side of the bed.

"I thought I said to get out?" Bucky crossed his arms in front of them. You patted his shoulder.

"Be nice...Sam helped. I'll be right back, I have to go let everyone else know you're awake." As you stepped towards the door you looked back at him and he shot you a wink and then proceeded to tell a demanding Sam what happened on the mission.

***

"Baby you got this." You and Bucky stood outside of your new place of employment. You had decided to go back to work on a case by case basis. You didn't want to work at the hospital full time, still preferring to work for The Avengers, but it was time to get yourself back to as normal of a life as you could. Operating on Bucky had given you the itch to put your skills to use again. You could save lives and it was time you got back to it. So two months later after finding the hospital that would agree to your terms, you were attempting your first day back. They were thrilled to have the talented and notorious Y/N Stark on their roster. You already had a stack of cases to work through.

"I know...it's just the last time I was in a hospital...someone knocked me out and well...you know the rest." Bucky put his hands on your shoulders.

"No one is going to hurt you, or take you. I promise you that." He kissed your forehead.

"I know, rational me knows all of this. But there’s that tiny bit of me that is still trapped in that room. I just need to go inside and once I get to work I'll be fine. It'll be like riding a bike."

"You need me...you call me okay? I took myself off missions for the next week. I'll be right here if you need me."

"I know." He leaned down and kissed you on the lips.

"Call me when you're done and I'll meet you out here."

And that was the starting point of your new life. The more time went on, the more you worked and now, almost two years since you and Bucky got together you were back to almost a full time schedule. Tony was thrilled that you were operating again and back to yourself. Your nightmares were at bay, you credited Bucky being next to you every night. It had taken a good long time, but you were seemingly healed. You still had your scars, they would never leave you, but they no longer held you back. You had gone to Wakanda to save him and he ended up saving you too. James Buchanan Barnes had truly transformed your life.

You and Bucky had dinner plans, but that night an emergency case had come in and you volunteered to stay. When a 10 year old patient needs expert hands, you don't say no. You slowly dragged your tired body through the compound to your shared wing with Bucky. You opened the door and saw it was relatively dark, but there was a trail of rose petals leading to the balcony off of your living room. You smiled and followed the path and found Bucky standing and waiting for you. There he stood in his well fitting jeans and a fitted black henley.

"Give me a minute, I'll change. I’m kind of gross" You looked down at your black scrubs and sneakers. Your hair piled on top of your head.

"Stop...you look beautiful." You rolled your eyes.

"I'm a mess."

"Shut up...you're ruining my moment." He might as well have stomped is foot like a child.

"Okay, okay. I'm shutting up." You closed the door behind you. You looked around and he had white Christmas lights strung up along the railings, there was champagne and clearly some sort of dinner under the covered plates.

“SInce we couldn’t go dinner, I decided to bring dinner to you.”

"How did you know when I'd be home?"

"I had one of the girls at the hospital call me when you were on your way." He grinned. He stepped closer to you and took both of your hands. "It took us a long time to get here. And you were worth the wait. God were you worth the wait. I sometimes wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn't..." he trailed off. "What is it that Pepper always says? Everything happens for a reason. I never believed that...not until I met you. Because if everything didn't happen the way it did...I never would have met you. I never would feel this utterly complete and so happy. You helped me heal in so many ways. I don't know if I'll ever be able to really thank you...but I want to spend the rest of my life trying." You widened your eyes. He didn't get down on one knee...he didn't want to be cliche. He didn't want this to be like your other proposal. So he pulled the black box out of his pocket and opened it for you. It was a 3 karat princess cut diamond with small diamonds on a band that weaved like an infinity sign. "Marry me." You put your hand over your mouth for a moment to blink back the tears of pure happiness in your eyes. You never thought you'd ever want to marry anyone else again. But here was Bucky Barnes proving you wrong yet again. You nodded your head at him. "I need you to say it."

"Yes."

"Say it again."

"Yes." He tilted his head to the side and you knew exactly what he was going to say before he said it.

"Say it again with my name."

"Yes Bucky...I'll marry you."

He scooped you up in his arms and spun you around and then gave you a searing kiss before he slid the ring on your finger. Never in his life would he ever get sick of hearing his name on your lips. You kissed him again, thankful for the man that blew into your life and put all your broken pieces back together again.

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lxvesickreality · 5 years ago

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fix you

Request: Bucky x reader just absolute raging angst with the promise of a happy ending? ✨♥️

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, mentions of suicide

Word Count: 1866

Add on: song being used is called Fix You by Coldplay

gif is NOT mine, credits to owners

Please do not read if easily triggered by talk of suicide and dark pasts. If you are feeling in that way at all even if you didn’t read this, my inbox is always open and you can private message me anytime.

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

You never had an easy childhood and you had no role models to look up to as you grew. Your parents got into a fatal car crash on the way to get induced to have you since your mother was almost two weeks past her due date. You almost didn’t make it because your mom was dying quickly. You were born on a street that 12 minutes away from the hospital and you were taken away from your mother the minute you came out. Your parents passed away that night. As you grew up, you were told this story by many social workers that made you jump home to home to live with foster homes. It devastated you and sent you to a dark place.

Many homes you grew up in weren’t very nice to you. When you were 8 years old, you were struck by the male figure in the house for not finishing your peas on your plate. He called you ungrateful, selfish, and even a bitch. You were sent to your room that was as small as a bathroom. Each time your social worker came, they put on a front and wouldn’t let them know you lived in a small room, not in the normal sized bedroom like they said. From 8 years old to 13, you lived in that place until you were able to get on the phone with your social worker to explain what had been going on. You left the next day to a different home. The next couple of years was like that until your 15th birthday. You found a home where they wanted you and made you feel welcomed by embracing you with open arms. They adopted you and gave you a better chance at an education so you can do what you wanted. You had everything you had ever wanted but something wasn’t right. You would try your damndest to show how happy and appreciative you were to find someone like them because you knew kids in the foster system either never made it out or stayed in a really bad home until they were considered an adult. You just missed your family.

You ended up in a really dark place by your 16th birthday. You caused your adoptive family a lot of money with the therapist and psychiatrist they provided you with. They knew how sad you were. Who wouldn’t be sad? What they didn’t know was you were depressed and developed PTSD along the way. Your psychiatrist put you on several different medications to help you stay focused in school, let you sleep properly, and feel okay for once. One day, you tossed and turned all night because that day was really bad for you. It was your birthday and though your adoptive family went all out for you, buying you a car and your own laptop so you could write down your thoughts, you were feeling weighed down. You felt sorry that you disrupted their lives and blamed yourself for it. You continuously would blame yourself for your parents’ death. You should’ve felt happy but instead it felt reversed so you did something you regretted; you took half the bottle of antidepressants.

When the tears come streaming down your face

'Cause you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

What could it be worse?

The person who wanted you to call mom came to check up on you when you unexpectedly left to go to bed at 8pm a few weeks after you attempted suicide, she caught you crying into your pillow. Her heart clenched at the sight of a girl she desperately wanted to be her daughter. She wasn’t able to have kids so she felt incredibly lucky to have you by her side. Your sobs were loud enough to draw her husband and their small Cockapoo, Pilot upstairs so the small family of theirs comforted you in every way they possibly could.

You told them, “I feel so alone. I miss my parents. I barely even knew them but I remember the safeness and security I felt around them. I was a baby, a newborn and they passed away. I didn’t even get to know them.” they wanted to know more but didn’t want to push you. You eventually continued, “The first family I lived with was a good family. I lived with them for 5 years I believe and it was so great. I was loved but they told social worker back then they no longer wanted me. Their explanation was they finally got pregnant. With twins! Three kids were too much so they let me go. I lost a family I loved but I guess they didn’t love me back, you know? It just went to waste. When I got to my first abusive home, I lost a part of my self-respect that day and I never got it back. I lost so much the first time that asshole struck me. He made me think the worst of myself at 8 years old up until I was 13. Did you know he beat me till I passed out because I started my period for the first time?”

You went on for awhile and they all listened to you until you fell asleep on your adoptive mother’s lap while she stroked your hair gently to get the knots out. That day was memorable for you because you started to feel more loved.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

At 18, you felt different. It was as if you had this electricity surging through you dying to get out and to be used. You didn’t know what it was until you got into a fight with someone on the street for trying to pay you for a certain action no one in their right mind would want to do to some random old guy. He was found dead in the morning inside of a dark alley you dragged him to. Their diagnosis was that he was killed by 12,000 volts of electricity which must’ve been from the telephone pole near him. The police didn’t think anything of it but you did then a few days later, S.H.I.E.L.D. found you. It seems as your adoptive parents knew exactly what was going on. You became an agent that night with every intent on controlling and managing your powers. They called you Carmina, Latin word for electro.

Years rolled by in a blur but time stopped when you met him.

But high up above or down below

When you are too in love to let it show

Oh but if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Bucky Barnes was in no way perfect, in fact he was probably the most imperfect guy on this entire universe. His past was dark and foggy to him but he knew what had happened, of course, he did. Nobody would forget the murders they committed and he didn’t wish to be a part of anyone’s life. He barely let his best friend back in because of the things he did to him and his team but you were the most unique, gorgeous person he had ever met. He didn’t know what drew him in, maybe it was the sweet smile you gave everyone that you knew and didn’t know; or the twinkle in your eye when you talked about something you were very passionate about; maybe it was the same mutual darkness in the back of your brain that matched his. It was something and it made a change for everything.

You were the first to ask him out. It was a pretty big risk for you seeing as you didn’t trust people very often given your past but he had something separating him from every guy you’ve ever met. He was perfectly imperfect to you. Oh god was he imperfect. It just made you fall even more for him.

You both were very closed off people making it difficult to talk to one another without giving too much information about yourselves but you were a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent so you had a file. Bucky didn’t think twice to look at it and you did the same with his from H.Y.D.R.A. You both weren’t ready to mention the files you took a peek at because you wanted it to be told in your own way from the heart so it took a while to warm up to each other but eventually you did and it was epic. You fell head over heels in love with each other from one date, the very first date. But the moment you opened up was tragic.

5th date and you were crying but he didn’t understand why. Your past was nowhere near as bad as he was yet you felt like you were barely worth anything. He didn’t understand why you were crying so hard because you worth everything so he told you his past in bits and pieces. You cried in each others arms together, comforting and kissing each other to make yourselves feel better. You felt happy and content to find someone who loves you for you and vice versa.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

From the very beginning, you felt unlucky and like you were bad luck because nothing good ever happened to you. Your parents passing away was the beginning of a tragic story or that’s what you thought before you found your adoptive family. The loneliness and constant worry about yourself followed you every home you went to. Your depression was something you never imagined you would have and it was the worst thing you imagined. You would never wish that upon your worst enemies because that was real and it controlled everything you did. You didn’t try to kill yourself because of it, you did it to get away from the pain and you were so lucky to still be here because you wouldn’t have died feeling loved. You would’ve died feeling sad and alone. You weren’t alone. You survived.

Bucky Barnes helped you through your journey of recovery after dropping your therapist and psychiatrist for good. He and your family guided you through the tunnel that you couldn’t see in. Your family taught you to love. He taught you to open up. Life wasn’t all that bad anymore. You weren’t unlucky nor were you a bad charm to anyone. You started that way but it didn’t define who you were.

Bucky and you tied the knot 6 years of being together and had the biggest family. You felt at peace. That’s what life wanted you to have. It just gave you a dark tunnel in the beginning and you found your way through. You were finally happy.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes #the winter soldier x reader #the winter soldier imagine #the avengers #the avengers imagine

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literalbuzzkill · 4 years ago

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Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

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xellshun · 4 years ago

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It's been a while once again... Some times I wonder what the point of writing on here even is. So why do it? Why do I post on here? Especially after already receiving a lot of hate... I'm not sure...

Some times I hope that I will encounter others like me. Or even better, others that are worse than me. Not because I crave a sick minded friend, but because I crave the proof that I'm not as bad as they come.

When I look in the mirror I don't see the kind hearted, empathetic, ambitious young man I used to...

I see a monster. I see an unrecognizable creation without a properly beating heart. Completely lacking in empathy, remorse, shame, and guilt. I see a beast who lies pathologically, who deceives, who manipulates, and who only see's other people as disposable pawns in my dark and twisted games. I see a beast who has targeted women and used them like pieces of meat to quench my thirst for revenge. I see a being that has no disregard for its own life, let alone the lives of others. I see a creature that finds comfort in the darkness and warmth within pain. I see an addict, a junkie, a liar, a bully, an asshole, a player, a thief, and an individual who can easily hurt others in cold blood and calm pulse...

That's all I see... Is a monster...

The only things I feel love for anymore are children. I have an affinity for them all, especially my own. They are the purest forms of joy and innocence and must be protected at all costs... They are everything I am not...

Anyways, to the point... When I was younger, before my disorder became worse, I used to want to join the Marines. I went and saw a recruiter and he asked me, "Why do you want to join the Marines?" And I answered, without hesitation, "I want to kill people." And he responded with, "That's the best damn answer I've ever heard!"

Maybe he was joking? I'm not sure. But either way my high school teachers convinced me to take the college route instead. Ultimately that route didn't work out. I have several degrees but just haven't used them, clearly...

Fast forward to about 3 years ago and I was working for a family friend on his farm for extra money while I was in college. This was the point in my life when I first started to discover my disorder before knowing what it was even called... I brought it up with this family friend. I told him how I was feeling. Told him how I WASN'T feeling. He listened and gave me his opinion and was basically my first therapist. He was also the first person that introduced me to the butchering of farm animals for food. It was the first time I was able to legally kill animals and dismember them without consequences. Not that it had any direct effect on my disorder but it was the first time I was able to butcher another living creature and realize that it had no emotional effect on me... In fact, cutting chickens heads off and throwing their flopping bodies around after decapitating a deer and skinning it was kind of... Soothing...

But one time I asked him a question while talking about high school. I brought up the subject of the military because he was a former combat medic. He served a long time and saw many dark and graphic things during his career. Not only that but he managed to make quite a life for himself financially. So I figured he would be a good person to ask.

I asked him, "Hypothetically, what if I had gone into the Marines and what if I had gone into combat - Would a person like me not be the perfect type of soldier? Someone who could go into combat, kill others, not feel remorse, empathy, guilt or shame, and be able to come back to the states without PTSD?" Because just think about it. Someone like me who can't feel real emotions for others, trained in the art of combat, and trained to use weapons of death and destruction. Now imagine me being unleashed upon the battlefield to reap havoc on the enemy where the beast inside me can thrive and enjoy the thrill within the Devil's playground...

I explained this hypothetical situation to this friend and he thought long and hard before he answered. Once he did, his answer went something like this, "Technically, you have a point. Someone who is as heartless as you described would make a very ruthless and useful soldier when it comes to combat. But here's the real question you have to ask yourself. If you did go into combat and got your first taste of bloodshed, would you then have an off switch when the war was over and it was time to come back to the states?"

Or in other words, if I let the true sociopath within me out, would I be able to lock him back up and regain control of the monster?

I've thought about it hundreds of times since then. What would happen if I did? What would happen if I took that next big step on the spectrum of sociopathy and psychopathy and took my first human life? What would I feel? Would I feel anything or would I just continue to be a cold and heartless vessel? I've made it a point to seek out some of the most violent, graphic, and horrid videos on the dark web to test myself. I exposed myself to visuals and images that would make most people physically sick... But when I saw these images and videos, I won't lie, I felt nothing at all...

Do I actually want to kill someone? Yes and no. No because there is not any one single person I have enough hatred for to actually want to kill. And yes for the simple fact there is a part of me that wants to test it out.

Will I ever do it? No, that would be pointless and would put me at risk of ending up in prison for the rest of my life.

But what if I had the chance to kill someone worth killing? Like another murderer, a pedophile, or a rapist? For them the answer is clear, yes I would, in a heart beat. But then again I'm sure most people would gladly say yes to that as well. The only difference is I'm not sure if I would enjoy it or be completely unmoved by it. Surely a normal person would feel some sort of negative way, regardless of who they're killing, because that's.. Well.. Normal, right?

Sociopaths and psychopaths are known for either feeling completely numb to killing or enjoying it...

I just don't know which one it would be for me...

#sociopath #cluster b #psychopath #aspd

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skruffie · 5 years ago

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in which I’m getting to know my brain better

I can’t really pinpoint a time when I started reading about ADHD and believed that maybe it was something that I had. I think it’s kind of been in the back of my head from when ADD was still a commonly-used term but then I would go “naaaah can’t be me, I’m just a lazy person!” I remember ages ago in high school I was at a friend’s house and watching their brothers and I thought “This is what actual ADHD looks like” so I guess that kind of pins it for me thinking about it as long ago as 15 years ago but I never gave it serious consideration until more recently.

(This is very, very long so I don’t blame you if you want to just skip it entirely)

Just last night I was talking to Zack and I was giggling and going “I still can’t believe I really didn’t see this before” and they were going “Really?”

Let’s think about this. As a kid I was always pretty sensitive and had weird... I used to call them compulsions but now I wonder if it was more impulsive behavior where I would hoard things like rocks and leaves or do dangerous shit without thinking about it (one memory comes to mind immediately when I noticed there was broken glass on the playground and I started meticulously picking it up as carefully as I could, and my teacher freaked out when she saw what I was doing. It unsettled my mom too, but me explaining that I didn’t want anyone to get hurt didn’t help put them at ease). I would be deeply sucked into my imagination at times, like...

When I was a kid I always kind of pictured myself like everything that was happening was a movie. I don’t really mean this in a dissociative derealization kind of thing, but just imagining every second was a movie or a video game. Sometimes I still do this. I can’t really pinpoint if there were a lot of hyperactive symptoms other than countless times my mom told me to stop fiddling with my hands or string or whatever was within my grasp. I would always come home from school dirty with grass stains on my jeans and holes in my knees and rocks in my pockets, earning the title “skruffy ragamuffin” from my sister, but I just kind of figured that was part of being a kid. Looking at it NOW through this viewpoint gives me second thought though.

I picked up on physical activities rather quickly from a young age like dancing and karate--probably the physical movement was what I needed to help me focus--and I do things like pick at the skin around my thumbs, bite the inside of my cheeks (Didn’t realize this was a thing until I watched Hannah Hart describe it as part of her fidgeting and went “OH.”)

As I got older and after my sister died, see... I always viewed this time period in my life as I couldn’t do school or focus because of my grief and my home life falling apart, and I think part of that is still true. However, I would continue this with “And because of that I didn’t form good study habits and that continued into highschool when I stopped giving a shit”. Which was better than thinking I was just a stupid failure, and I really don’t think I am stupid... I can think quickly on my feet, I notice things that other people don’t, I’ve been an advanced reader from a VERY early age and I can infer correct answers from context clues and analyze things in that way.

There is one memory from high school that, in the past, I thought maybe was tied to an emotional flashback but I realize now that it might’ve been Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. There was a weird disagreement that I was having with a friend of mine over something (truly can’t remember what it was about now), and somehow this rejection of him not listening to me spiraled me into this state of Why Should I Fucking Bother and the first target for this heavy, painful feeling was “okay, well I should just stop drawing because Why Should I Fucking Bother”. My English teacher found me sitting in the hallway crying and sat down with me to ask what was happening and I tried to explain, and then he had me show him my artwork and he goes “You are an incredible artist, you shouldn’t give this up.” One of few teachers in my life who I will always respect because he was always stern in a kind way, understanding, and an overall wonderful man.

I’m kind of getting off track here but I think that’s really just self-demonstrating at this point.

When I worked at Target there wasn’t really an opportunity for the ADHD type symptoms to manifest because I was pretty much always moving. In school I could zone out very easily but at work I was able to have more bouts of focus, but traded off my inattention for anxiety instead. This was also just a few years after the big PTSD causing event, but retail in general can give pretty much anyone some anxiety issues. Nonetheless, the things that I enjoyed about working there is that I was able to master my work zone completely (to a point of annotating the training guide with new information and keeping it updated), became the go-to person for several things, and I enjoyed being able to have a bit of freedom of movement around my work space. I enjoyed being able to have physical, tangible ways to see progress being made on something and there was a surprising amount of nuance and problem-solving when it came to resolving customer complaints.

Moving to a desk job in 2018 was a weird departure from all of that. I had started off kind of as a clerical worker and would compile the concrete goods vouchers that we send out to our clients, receive them back, prepare them for scanning, scan+upload to case files, etc. It was dreadfully boring a lot of the time but I didn’t mind the long stretches where I could sit and prepare documents for scanning because I was able to listen to music while I got them ready. After a while I was encouraged to become a fiduciary, and that is really when the Maybe I Have ADHD started to rear it’s head.

My job doesn’t have the tangible way to see that I’ve made progress. I update placements to generate foster care payments, I generate the vouchers for concrete goods, I put in ongoing foster care case management payments or daycare payments, I will sometimes resolve some payment issues but only to a certain point--I’m able to see information but being able to solve the problem is actually not my area unless I can correct it within the case management system. There is an extreme need to be detail oriented because we work with specific service dates, with some services ongoing but some needing to be renewed every six months, gobs of emails with paperwork and trying to get the right signatures on everything because we’re dealing in state money...

on top of this, in order to move into the permanent position, I’ve been taking the accounting classes online outside of work and (until the pandemic started) having a long commute-work-commute day that totaled about 12 hours out of my waking life. My diet changed radically because Zack and I didn’t see each other often and getting home at 6:30 at night didn’t leave a lot of room to cook and then eat before having downtime to sleep... only to wake up at 5:30 AM again... my insomnia started kicking in to a point now where I take a benadryl through the work week to keep my sleep schedule on track. I started having anxiety attacks at work because trying to keep up with remembering all the little details I need to at work was getting to me.

As I was training, I would write a post-it reminder whenever I repeated a mistake and stick it to my monitor. I got up to about 14 post-its before it became distracting and I instead compiled them onto a list and tacked it to my cubicle wall.

A few months into this I had a crying jag talking to Zack because it felt like something was really wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. Depression? Anxiety? Trauma? School trauma? I think it’s just been untreated ADHD this whole time. I keep thinking back to this post I’ve seen on Tumblr a long time ago where someone said “disability exists in the context of the environment” and I think that’s what’s happening to me. I previously have bee in environments that weren’t butting up against The ADHD as much, but this job has been extremely challenging for the past 11 months.

Thankfully, my boss and I have one-on-one discussions regularly (used to be every other week but since the pandemic started it’s been weekly phone calls) and she has no issues with my work performance... likely because I exert a lot of mental and emotional energy to keep up with everything I need to do. I’m also in charge of the busiest field office in our region--there’s a high turnover rate, lots of child welfare cases, etc--and the social workers that I talk to on the regular enjoy having me as their fiduciary. There have been many times however, despite the fact I seem to be doing pretty good, where it feels like I am hanging on by a fucking thread. Here’s something personal that I don’t think I’ve shared yet on the blog: last year, within the first month and a half of adjusting to this new pace of work and school and the long commutes, the schedule was so stressful for me that it made my period late. Worrying I was pregnant just stressed me out more. Not being able to treat this Probably ADHD has been detrimental to my mental health.

On the 22nd, I’m going to have a telehealth meeting with a doctor to see if I can get a referral for a screening. I kind of worried that if I do get diagnosed with ADHD it would send me into this mourning state of what-could-have-been but honestly... I’m tired. I’m tired of beating myself up for exhausting myself into keeping up with other people. I think I owe it to myself to get the help that I need. Looking at my life with the lens of I Probably Have ADHD has actually given me a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence because it’s something that I can learn how to take control of. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

#actuallyADHD #?#examining my entire life in a tumblr post #adhd

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leonardo-capulet · 5 years ago

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Pull Me Through || Cris & Leo

Who: Cristian & Leo Capulet

What: After a second, difficult therapy session Leo calls on Cristian’s help before slipping up, they meet up for coffee. Leo opens up about the most critical event in his past and makes mistakes. As usual.

Where: Unnamed Cafe

When: February 28th, 2022

Trigger Warnings: Just want to be careful so the TW are as follows - death, depression, PTSD, alcoholism... etc...

Cristian sat staring at the text as he sipped at his coffee, a mixture of emotions passing through him. He’d told Leo he would be there if he did therapy... and was relieved the Dominant was getting help— and communicating... But it didn’t change how confusing and difficult it was for the submissive to meet with him either. He needed to keep space to some degree— to make sure Leo didn’t rely on him too much, since it was obvious he still had feelings for Cristian... Something that again left Cristian with a confusing mix of emotions... And the last thing Cristian wanted was to be hurt again. His life finally felt semi normal again— and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed trying to date again and meet people. He’d been on a handful of dates with Dominants over the past few weeks, enjoying himself far more than he’d planned. Hell, he even was seeing Jian again after he chatted with Leo, much to his own surprise. He felt confident again, even if it wasn’t where he’d seen his life going perhaps. Did he still care about Leo though? Of course. He just didn’t want to lead Leo on... Or risk falling for the Dominant again. It would simply be too easy to fall back into old habits and give into the lingering feelings he still had for Leo— but it wasn’t worth the chance of getting hurt again. The submissive didn’t trust himself to recover a second time if Leo ever left him, and it was that thought that reassured him it was the right call to push purely for a friendship with Leo at this point. To help him... but make it clear he couldn’t be more. Sure He texted back. He had somethings he needed to do for work, but he could push them off till later in the evening. Where do you want to meet? Or would you prefer to call?

Leo hated the fact that he was feeling this weak. This broken down. Too many bad habits built up over years worth of time. He wanted to be someone better and stronger than all this. Although, he supposed, therapy was supposed to help with that. Everything hurt too much, bringing up the past only made him relive it. Perhaps, he shouldn’t have asked Cristian for company, but he had nobody else. He’d made sure to isolate himself from everyone. There was nobody else he trusted to speak to. Once again, he reminded himself that even if Cristian helped him, it was nothing more than friendship. Nothing more than being a good and kind person, someone far better than he could ever be. So, when the text came back, he stared at it for a moment swallowing back the relief he felt.

Coffee? Maybe? If that’s okay?

He followed that text with an address to the coffee shop he intended to go to, and made his way in that direction.

The submissive sighed in relief when he saw the coffee shop address wasn’t as far as Leo’s apartment had been. In the current traffic it would easily still take 30 minutes though, but he didn’t bother mentioning it if that was where Leo wanted to meet. His gaze darted to the coffee he held in his other hand, bringing it to his lips to finish off what was left. Did he need more caffeine at the moment? No, but he’d just get decaf or a tea, he muses to himself. Thats fine. Why don’t we plan to meet in an hour? That would at least give him enough time to finish up what he was doing and not rush there. Thankfully he had a while still before meeting up with Jian, so he wasn’t overly concerned for time.

When the next text came through, Leo checked his watch, and decided it wouldn’t matter if he was early. Better he was early than late, and he didn’t have time to go home first. If he did, he surely wouldn’t come back out and he didn’t want to sit in his apartment alone. That’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour, and thank you. Despite the lack of alcohol, Leo found himself slowly pulling himself out of the dark hole he felt he was in. Somehow, mentioning Alex, going through every single moment of what happened, it made him see things clearly. He wouldn’t have been able to save Alex. It was an unfortunate accident, unfortunate circumstance. Leo was surprised he was starting to feel less of the pain, less of the guilt, although it certainly weighed on him and he still didn’t completely relinquish the blame he shouldered. Arriving at the coffee shop some time later, he ordered a cup and found a table with the most privacy possible to sit, staring down into his cup as he thought over the session he’d had today.

Cristian arrived several minutes early, as was typical for the submissive. What he had not expected was to spot Leo already at a table off in the corner, coffee in hand. Quickly grabbing himself a cup of tea, he made his way over to join the older Capulet, giving a weak but polite smile as he approached. “Hopefully I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Having been lost in his thoughts, Leo hadn’t noticed when Cristian arrived. Lifting his head to see the submissive, he surveyed the smile on his face. It bothered him, seeing that particular smile. This wasn’t the smile that he was used to, it wasn’t the genuine smile that he’d come to love, and that made him feel uneasy. Trying not to show it, he shook his head, unable to smile as his mind was still reeling from his therapy session. His eyes lowered back down to the cup in his hand. “I wasn’t waiting long.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry to ask you to come, I didn’t know what else to do and... quite frankly... I’m not feeling very in control of myself at the moment.” Weak. Thats how he was feeling at the moment, but he couldn’t bear looking at Cristian knowing he wasn’t able to handle what was discussed in his session once again. He’d already seen Leo drunk, for the first time, now he was seeing Leo completely weak. The thought made him even more nauseous, but it was either have Cristian there with him and find a reason to continue pushing past the pain, or do this alone and likely fall into his old habits.

Cristian slid into the seat opposite Leo, lips curling into a frown. It was as he feared, considering the other's interest in meeting up. He really shouldn't have felt surprised. "I'm presuming.. You went to therapy then and it was a big much? Or is it something else?"

A heavy sigh escaped Leo, and his head dipped down lower. "No, it was therapy. We talked about it... it was the first time I've talked about it... about him..." Leo's fingers tapped on the coffee cup before he said the name out loud. "About Alex. I talked about what happened, everything that happened." He took a shaky breath and brought a hand to his face, covering it for a moment as he shook his head. "I know I shouldn't be bothering you... but the therapist suggested that talking about it would make it easier. Anyway, I don't expect you to be the one to listen to it all... it's just hard. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm reliving it all over again." Still, he didn't look up, or meet Cristian's gaze. This one event had changed everything, it had been the catalyst for everything that happened after, and all of Leo's terrible mistakes. "This was somehow harder to talk about than the military... maybe it's because it was the last thing to happen... maybe because he was family. I don't know. Maybe because I made the worst decision of my life after it... the first thing I thought about when I left this session? I wanted to drink. Then that made me think... when did I become the person who needed alcohol to cope? When did I become the man who got so drunk he could hardly function? I used to look at people like that, people who were too drunk to be in control, and I hated it. Then I became that. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... and all this because I didn't know how to face what happened... not the right way. And even now, I'm still sitting here in front of you, wondering if drinking wouldn't still make this easier."

“Oh Leo,” Cristian responded softly. One hand was wrapped around his drink, the other reaching out to gently lay upon Leo’s lower arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to discuss... but I’m glad you still went and tried, yeah?...” He gave the Dominant’s arm a gentle squeeze adding, “Alex isn’t an easy topic for anyone, Leo. But me or anyone else in the family will always listen if you need to talk about it... him.” Alex knew the risks. They all did. Leo just seemed to have trouble accepting that fact which had otherwise helped the rest of the family cope with the loss. Hearing the other discuss his drinking habits wasn’t particularly comforting though, and reassured Cristian he’d made the right call dumping what he’d found at Leo’s down the sink. “Drinking would not help this though. You’re a smart man— you know it was only delaying you thinking about it. Delaying reaching this point in the path to recovery, yeah?”

Feeling Cristian's hand on his arm was comforting, and he was grateful for the gesture. Still, Leo kept his eyes lowered and he merely nodded at what Cristian was saying. "I want to get better. I really do and I know that talking about this is going to end up helping... but it doesn't make today, and right now the easiest. I don't want to talk to the family. There's nobody in the family who knows... knew me better than you did." That was the truth, but Cristian had also made an effort to know him, and Leo felt comfortable telling him things, even if they were small bits of himself. Leo was aware he was difficult to truly get to know. "The only person I can see myself talking about this to always ends up being you, but I can't help feeling like it's unfair to you." He kept putting so much of his burden on Cristian, and the submissive didn't deserve all of that. Thinking about the drinking, the way the alcohol had made him feel, he nodded. "I know that now. I see what it was doing to me, and you're right, it was slowing down my ability to recover from it all. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and I have to keep reminding myself that it'll get easier with time."

Cristian cringed first the briefest moment before forcing a polite smile again, somewhat grateful Leo’s gaze wasn’t on him 100%. It definitely felt a bit unfair to the submissive, but he understood Leo lacked many other options. It was unfortunate, and Cristian knew there was no way he could not help the other. “Well... the first step is recognizing that, Leo. Whether or not you can learn to control your drinking— or if it’s something you need to perhaps stop entirely, will be up to you. Nobody expects you to be perfect at it though. Trying to identify situations and triggers though that lead to that behavior is a good start.”

He could only shrug at what Cristian said at first. Then, finally, he said, "I expect myself to be perfect. It's like I told you before... I expect better from myself. I set high expectations for myself, and I expect to meet them. The drinking... that's going to stop. It has to. I just... today was hard, but I'll figure it out because I have to. It's just easier to make sure that I don't make that mistake again when you're here." Another shrug, and he pulled his arm away from Cristian, wrapping his arms around himself, and his eyes flicked up to the submissive before looking back down. "I won't talk to you about what happened unless you ask. It's not fair to you." He'd just talk about it with the therapist, it was easier that way. Lifting a hand, he ran his fingers through his hair again before sighing. "Sorry, for this and everything else. Seems like you were right, when you said I keep screwing you over." He let out a harsh laugh. "I fucked up, and now I'm asking you for help and support when I don't have any right to it. Yet, here you are, and I don't know why. I'll never be able to thank you enough for this... for the help, for even sitting here and listening to me."

The submissive couldn’t help the bit of irritation he felt with Leo’s type A perfectionist personality at times like this. “You know as much as I respect someone who tried to get things just right, it doesn’t make them a bad person or failure if it doesn’t always work out,” Cristian retorted, voice slightly more stern. “Stop expecting yourself to be so damn Perfect, Leo. You’re not and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that right now more than ever, so why set an impossible goal?” He paused to bring his mug to his lips, frustrated that Leo had pulled away and was making excuses. “You may not be being fair to me, but you’re also not being fair to yourself, Leo.” He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, tone relaxing when he realized he was beginning to feel a bit heated. “Look... I’m here now. I gave you my word I’d meet at times when it felt easier to just drink alone at home instead of go out. I’m not backing down on that, and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to call me... I’m not going to pressure you to chat about your sessions, regardless of what your therapist suggests. You can, or we can talk about anything else that gets your mind off it if you want. But I will not sit here if you’re just going to keep putting yourself down, Leo.”

Cristian’s words were like a shock to the system. It wasn’t anything that Leo didn’t already know. He’d already thought about his impossible goals for himself. Still, hearing it from the submissive seemed to pass through whatever barrier he had stubbornly set for himself. “You’re right.” He said softly. “Maybe I set those goals for myself because I hope to reach something close to it sometime.” He finally looked up at Cristian, letting his gaze settle on the other for a moment before saying, “Funny, isn’t it, how I used to be one ridiculously cocky son of a bitch. But I find it difficult not to be hard on myself when I look at the mistakes I’ve made... and I’m not talking about all of those in the military, or even Alex.” He sighed bringing his arms back onto the table as he leaned forward slightly. “Do you want to know... what happened? What really happened, and why it bothers me so much? Because I’ll tell you. I’ll get it out in the open, whatever it is you want to know. Anything you want to know. It’ll be easier to be honest anyway.”

“There’s a lot I’d like to know, Leo,” the submissive responded after a moment, deciding to be careful about his wording. His mind immediately went to their breakup when Leo denied his focus being the military or Alex with his comments, though Cristian knew it could be several things. “But... what matters more to me is your comfort discussing all of this, and it being positive discussion versus something that’s only going to hurt you— both of us— more.” He set down his tea and reached out again, reaching directly for one of the Dominant’s hands to clasp in his own. “I... I’m sorry you’re hurting... And that it took two years apart for you to feel you could sit down and try to have conversations like this. Yes— I was angry with you— and I think a small part of me still is if I’m honest.” His blowup seeing Leo at the bar was proof enough emotions lingered. “But I was mostly worried, Leo. Scared... Confused. And as much as I might like to know what happened, I’m just relieved seeing you here— alive. That’s much more important to me right now.” He gave Leo’s hand another squeeze, thinking back to a lot of his own therapy he’d attended that had helped him process Leo’s absence. He forced a sad smile, continuing, “I... already accepted that a lot was out of my control, whether I liked it or not. I think at this point acceptance of the past might be a positive step forward for both of us.”

Leo didn’t move away this time. His other hand covering Cristian’s. He let the submissive speak without interruption. His eyes lingered on their joined hands for a moment before looking back at the other male. “I understand why you’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you at all... and I’m sorry for making you worried, scared, and confused. What I did was wrong, it was selfish... I know that now, and I’m so sorry for that. I can only say if I could do it again, I would never have made the same choice.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I am okay... I’m okay with discussing anything with you. So, you’re saying there’s a lot you want to know... and there’s a lot I’m wanting to answer. Just ask me whatever it is, and I’ll start there, I’ll answer whatever you need and I’ll do my best not to be too hard on myself. I just think once everything’s out in the open, maybe we can find some way to move past it... or maybe it’s just me that needs to find a way to move forward, either way... I want to talk to you, I do, even if it’s hard to say.”

Cristian shook his head, biting his lip for a moment as to not lose composure. Getting those apologies from Leo— a sober Leo— meant a lot, even if they didn’t undo the damage. But he didn’t come to the cafe to discuss what they had been. His hand began to feel uncomfortably warm and sweaty in the Dominant’s, and he found himself gently pulling it back, as much as it hurt to let go of the other’s touch. “Leo, I told you we could meet if you felt yourself teetering towards drinking and were alone. I thought... I thought you needed to talk about your therapy session. I didn’t come here looking for answers. Regardless of what I want or wanted to know, as I said I’ve already accepted what happened regardless. It feels like you’re trying to push this conversation though as if it’s going to magically fix everything for you.” He sighed, pausing and sipping at his drink again to buy himself time. “What... what do you want to talk about or tell me. Why don’t we just go with that?”

It was his own fault for changing gears. Leo nodded and as the submissive pulled away he clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking. No use in apologizing again for having changed the topic. “Okay. I’m just trying to hold it together, Cristian... but alright. Might as well rip off the bandaid and talk about what caused me to call you:” Leo focused his gaze on his coffee cup. He wasn’t going to make it through this discussion if he looked at Cristian. He’d already gone through the story once today, it was going to live on repeat in his mind for the coming days, talking about it now wasn’t going to make it worse. “Alright, well, I’ll just start with the day it happened since you already know everything before that.” They’d kept in contact when he was gone, Cristian was aware of everything that had passed before the day Alex died, before he caught the person they were tracking. “If at any point you need me to stop... just... just tell me and I will.... I’ll understand.” His hands unconsciously gripped tighter, as if the tighter he held on the more likely he would be to control his emotions.

Cristian was somewhat relieved when the tone seemed to shift, nodding in understanding. It was tempting to reach back out and take the Dominant’s hand again, but for now he wanted to see if Leo was strong enough to get the words out on his own.

Taking the submissive’s silence as a confirmation that he could start, Leo took a deep and shaky breath and launched into the story, beginning with that morning. The words started off slow, however it wasn’t until he got closer to Alex’s death that his throat tightened again. He closed his eyes, seeing everything as vividly as when it happened that same day. The series of events happening slowly. He could see each thing happening like a domino effect of events to the point where Leo could see what was about to happen, but it was too late. He wouldn’t make it in time to stop anything, he couldn’t reach Alex in time no matter how fast he ran, and he had run. He’d gone faster than he ever had before. Leo stopped then, at the part where he’d reached Alex. He tried to swallow, his hands hurting from how tightly he held them, but he could feel them still shaking despite his efforts not to. It took a moment before he continued on, all the way through capturing the man, but not after sustaining his own injury. Once he was done he paused feeling the grief as if it were new all over again. “Do you know why it was so hard for me? I know that they knew the risks... but I should have seen the warning signs sooner, and when I did realize what was happening, it was too late. I might have stopped it all if I’d just... paid better attention. I’m trained to do this, Cristian. I’ve saved plenty of others before, people who were family, people who weren’t as good as Alex, and I failed him when he needed me.”

The submissive’s eyes stung as he listened, not surprised at the topic but rather by the detail Leo went into this time as he retold the events. The big chunks of what had happened weren’t actually new... He’d been Tybalt’s personal assistant and thus had known almost as much as the Head of their house regarding the fallout after. And he’d witnessed the changes in Leo. Still, here was his ex blaming himself again for something that wasn’t his fault. Alex had known how dangerous it was when he volunteered, and he certainly couldn’t see the deceased cousin happy to see his family struggling to process his death still years later. “Leo, Alex knew these risks too,” he urged sternly, frowning. “He wasn’t a child. He knew, and as much as you blame yourself, it’s not your fault, sweetheart.” His hand reached back out cautiously, gently laying on top of Leo’s clasped hands. “Do you think he would want to see you blaming yourself? Letting your life come to a halt because of his? ... No, Leo. He wouldn’t, trust me. If- I had been who was with you, not him, and the same fate befell me, I would never want to see you struggling like this. Mourn me for a period of time, sure, but never to blame yourself for what happened. He would want you and the rest of the family to be happy and at peace... To enjoy Verona finally calming down and both our family and the Montagues at peace. You didn’t hurt Alex— those horrible men did. None of what happened to him is your fault.”

Tears brimmed his eyes before spilling over and he pulled one of his hands away fo rub his palm over his face to rid it of the tears. He cleared his throat and said, “I know... I know... but it doesn’t change how I wanted to save him... I wanted to save him so bad,” His brow furrowed as he tried to calm himself down. “I don’t know why it’s always me. Why do I have to keep seeing friends die? I know there’s nothing I can do to stop fate, but I still keep wondering... why wasn’t it me? Why them?” He shook his head and used his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I guess in the end that’s the real problem I have with everything. How much can a man see? It’s... God, Cris... it’s... the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, seeing a man die. It can break a man... seeing things like that.” And it had broken many men and women for centuries. He was merely one of many. “Maybe it’s not my fault... maybe no matter what I'd done I still wouldn’t have been able to change the outcome... but it hurts, and it just keeps haunting me, and I keep doubting myself and whether I’m good enough at my job. Should I be doing my job? And why... again... why me? These are all things that keep running through my head.”

Perhaps if Cristian had had more of a spine he’d have remained where he sat— but he’d always had a soft heart, wanting to help others. He may have come off as rude or boss at times, but he hated seeing sights like the one in front of him. Not wanting to deal with anyone who might glance their way, and wanting to comfort, Cristian pulled his hand away from Leo and held up a napkin to the other Incase he would want to dry his eyes. It was intentional, moving to stand then and repositioning his chair so it was beside Leo, effectively sandwiching the Dominant between himself and the wall, with thankfully only a wall in front of them. “Leo,” he repeated again softly as he slid into the chair. His arms immediately slid around the Dominant tenderly, not minding how tense the other felt and hoping he could relieve some of the other’s pain. How often had he cried over this alone? Hid it from Cristian in the past, even when he’d been there for him? “I’m beyond grateful it wasn’t you, sweetheart.” Maybe.... Leo did need a career change though? Something behind a desk similar to Cristian? Certainly less dangerous clients and assignments. He rubbed gentle circles on Leo’s back adding, “You’re excellent at your job, you are... but maybe you could look into something a bit easier down the road? On your heart, if nothing else, yeah? Being a personal bodyguard doesn’t have to be it for you, if you’ve had enough. And nobody would blame you for needing a change of pace.”

It took a moment to register that Cristian had moved next to him. Leo didn’t move at first, but eventually he leaned into the comforting touch. The calming effect that the submissive had was still shocking to Leo. He wondered if he’d opened up before he left, would he have figure this all out sooner? Would he started healing faster? It seemed like wasted time, so much wasted time. He registered a question, “You’re grateful it wasn’t me?” He thought over the potential of switching jobs. “Personal security is supposed to be the safer option. Maybe someday... I don’t know, I’ve been told I’m really good, really thorough at my job. I don’t even know what else I’d do... but it does almost feel like it’s only a matter of time. Kind of like a cat with nine lives. Like I’m still going on borrowed time.” Oddly, that didn’t bother him. The possibility that his time might come in the line of duty? Not a fear for him. It probably should be, but it seemed pointless for him to worry about something like that. Leo turned his head to look at Cristian. “Going to Verona was supposed to be safe for me. I was supposed to settle... finally find a home. I didn’t want to move anymore. Then all of that happened and I couldn’t face it, the death and the guilt. It’s easy to tell me that it’s not my fault and I understand why... it’s just going to take me a little while before I can believe it... Just... don’t give up on me yet, Cristian. I’ll heal, and I won’t hurt anymore. At least I’m not holding everything in.. I promise I won’t hold it all in anymore.”

Cristian sincerely hoped Leo would heal... And that the Dominant believed his own words. He had to bite his tongue though, holding back when he almost spoke his mind. You had a home in Verona. Me. Instead, he buried his own head in Leo’s neck for a moment himself, sighing. “That’s all... anyone can ask for, Leo. But yes— I’m grateful you’re alive— that you’re here,” he admitted And paused to pull back enough to look the Dominant in the eyes. “I didn’t imagine I’d ever even have you here like this to be honest. So perhaps it’s selfish... but I’m glad it wasn’t you. I have no regrets in regards to that line of thought either... Alex... he was family, and loved and is dearly missed. But mercifully... he wasn’t seeing anyone. He didn’t have someone waiting for his safe return like I was. Losing you would have been all of those things and so much worse, Leo.”

God, Cristian was so close, and as the submissive buried his head in Leo’s neck, he tightened couldn’t help but pull Cristian in close. Meeting the other’s eyes, he listened to the words being spoken and he tried hard not to read into it. Leo had come back to Cristian, but not the same. Instead, he’d returned a broken man, unable to work past the things in his mind. Listening to every word the other said only made him wish he could do something to make up for walking away. As he sat there staring back into those blue eyes he loved so much, he knew he shouldn’t do what he wanted to do. But if he could just kiss him again. Leo leaned in, feeling an ache inside him, one that yearned for Cristian. A million different things crossed through his mind, a million words, but none of them seemed sufficient after what the other had said. He knew in the back of his mind that Cristian didn’t want anything like what they had. He knew that whatever love he’d had for Leo, it wasn’t there anymore, and if love was there at all it wasn’t what it used to be. Only Leo was hanging on, and as he stared back into Cristian’s eyes he felt himself react before he could talk himself out of it again as one hand lifted and rested on the side of the submissive’s face and his lips found Cristian’s. He knew that he shouldn’t, worried he would push the other away, but in that split second as his lips met the other male’s he poured every bit of love and emotion he could. If it was the last memory he would have of him, he wouldn’t leave any questions. He’d always been the man to speak through his actions, and he did that now swallowing back regret and clinging to hope.

He knew he should have seen it coming. Cristian knew Leo still had feelings for him. His body tensed the moment he felt Leo’s lips against his own, frozen in shock. He reflexively relaxed a moment later, only to break the kiss when he realized what he’d— what they had done, eyes wide and glossy, face masked in shame. He was over Leo. He’d worked hard to move on— and the last thing he wanted was to relapse into the depression he’d worked so hard to climb out of after Leo left. The words fell from his lips defensively, despite the fact they were a lie. “I’m seeing someone.” His gaze flickered down to his lap, terrified of the other’s reaction. It wasn’t 100% a lie... Cristian had been dating around— though nothing too serious. Still, Leo didn’t know that, and as much as he felt like an asshole for saying it, it was the first thing that came to mind. “I-“ His throat felt swollen, practically choking out the rest of what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry if I misled you— I shouldn’t... I— I already told you, Leo... I think it’s better— healthier for the both of us if we work towards a friendship... And not rush into something that we might end up regretting.” He glanced back up, eyes wet as he forced a smile and added, “You mean a lot to me, but I don’t want to risk losing that, you know?”

God dammit. He shouldn't have done it. He knew he shouldn't have done it and yet... his body reacted without thought. Well. Now Leo would pay for, yet again, another thing he'd done wrong. He loved Cristian, loved. That wasn't an emotion he allowed for anyone. Apparently, there was a reason for it. The vulnerability that came with that? It was too much. He found himself thinking for a moment that he wished things had gone differently after all, Alex alive, him... well, it would have made things far easier. He felt guilty thinking that. The moment that Cristian said he was seeing someone, Leo tensed, feeling a cold wash over him at the realization. Cristian had moved on, of course he had. How could he forget? Leo would be paying for a terrible decision he'd made when he was in the worst possible mindset, and it was no excuse, but he hated it just the same. Even though the other was talking, Leo could hardly hear the words, hardly process what was being said as swallowed back embarrassment and disappointment. "No... no, it wasn't you. This was all my fault." He heard himself saying, as if it were coming from someone else. He meant a lot to Cristian. As a friend. Leo was going to have to learn to live with that fact. But he couldn't figure out how someone could live watching the person they were completely in love with, fall in love with someone else. How could he have thought that this was the best option? God, how could he be so stupid? His urge to leave was screaming at him, but being trapped as he was between Cristian and the wall Leo simply buried his face in his hands. What a fucking day.

Cristian frowned, feeling horrible as he watched the Dominant’s reaction. Shit. He immediately felt guilty for lying to Leo, but... But he’d kissed him, and Cristian was still trying to process the fact he hadn’t exactly pushed him off immediately. The fact Leo... he felt different yet the same— and there had been a scary desperation and love poured into the short moment. “Leo... Leo— look at me,” he urged, one hand moving hesitantly to the Dominant’s back again.

It was the way that Cristian said his name, a hand on his back, it had him turning his head to look at the submissive. His eyes meeting the other and swallowing again. He didn't know what was about to be said, what was about to happen, but he tried not to feel dread over what he'd done. His eyes ran over the submissive's face, fighting that urge to reach out for him once again.

“If you insist on taking blame, then please also accept my forgiveness, okay?” His hand moved from Leo’s back to gently cup the Dominant’s cheek for the briefest moment. “If this close of physical contact is too much for you, that’s my fault, and I’ll try to keep some distance if you’d prefer. I know I can be... touchy. I just care about you and don’t want you to ever forget that, alright? But I just.. don’t think I can offer you more than friendship, Leo.” He shook his head, explaining, “I’m not the same person I was two years ago. You said you loved me... But you love me from two years ago. A memory of me.” Cristian’s voice was soft as he spoke, reflecting on the fact Leo had also changed just as much. “I want to be there for you and help you get better, but using who I was two years ago as a crutch... I can’t be that person for you. I’m not him anymore.”

Leo's face softened, although his eyes were still sad, and he closed his eyes at the touch, savoring the feel of the submissive's hand on his face for too short a moment. "You have nothing to apologize for." He began, but after Cristian finished speaking Leo sat up straight, his eyes locked on the submissive. "I know you're not the same. I'm not the same. No person would ever be the same after two years, even if the things that happened for us hadn't happened, we still would be different." Leo didn't know the changes in Cristian but from the small bits of interaction they'd had he knew something for certain. "I love you. And yes, we've both changed... but the important things about you haven't changed. You're still good, Cristian, you're still incredibly good, and just what you've shown me so far? That isn't likely to change, but... if you want to be there for me as a friend. I can respect that. I'm not... well, you're seeing someone and it is what it is. I can handle whatever you give me, whether it's touchy, or not. I just know one thing... I don't want you to keep some distance. I would much rather have your support."

The submissive’s lips split into a genuine, relaxed smile at Leo’s response, utterly relieved. As much as he hated to lie to Leo, Cristian was scared of him and what they’d had— and how it had hurt. Being around him still made Cristian feel horribly anxious as if he was going to run off again at any moment — yet he couldn’t deny a small part of him was also thrilled, having missed him so. He knew it was probably unhealthy for the both of them, but Cristian silently felt his heart warm each time Leo mentioned loving him— words he’d missed for too long. If the little lie meant he could get to know Leo again without it being more then so be it. Was it selfish? Definitely. But in that moment, Cristian didn’t care. “You will always have my support, Leo Capulet. Always,” he promised.

#[convo: cristian 7]#tw: death #tw: depression #tw: ptsd #tw: alcoholism #//using Emarosa - Blue Reimagined song lyrics #kaythanx #Leo's self-para was posted earlier today that goes along with this

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calliecat93 · 5 years ago

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Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 6

(Top 5 Dislikes)

Holy Hell, I actually made it. Twelve… err, eleven posts in one week. I somehow did it! It’d been super fun to go back over Volume 1-6. Some of them I haven’t rewatched all the way through in years. It was a super fun ride, but it’s time to wrap things up. Volume 6 is my favorite volume, and now I get to talk about hey. So let’s conclude this series of Like/Dislikes posts with my Top 5 Things I Liked About RWBY Volume 6!

#5. Maria Calavera

Back in V5, they had to cut out a plotline where, during his search for Huntsmen to recruit, Qrow met an elderly woman. This character, however, had to be cut out due to timing. But they didn’t throw her out. They just her back into this volume. That character was Maria Calavera, and she is awesome.

Maria brought so much levity into the volume honestly. She’s funny and really charming, but also sharp and intelligent. Her ass towards Yang and Qrow always got a giggle out of me. It also helped when the flashback ended, since she wasn’t feeling crushing hopelessness and was able to get everyone to at least start looking for shelter. We didn’t know anything about her, but with how she chose to stay on the train after it de-railed and her going through Barlaby’s journals, it speaks a lot to her mindset and definitely hint at her experience.

Most everyone figured this out by the time of the reveal, but Maria was a former Silver Eyed Warrior. Which while I wish that they did some more foreshadowing about her legacy before, the flashback with Maria was freakin’ awesome and showed how much of a badass that she was in her prime. She agrees to mentor Ruby, and honestly? Maria is exactly what Ruby needs. She’s experienced and an overall nice person who gan give Ruby proper guidance, but also stern enough to give her a good bonk on the head when necessary. Which proved valuable for when we got to the end.

Maria came in at exactly the right time, and she was a big part of what made V6 so enjoyable. She was hilarious, like the “Maybe she’s dead!” line still cracks me up. SHe’s wise and can get everyone to focus on what matters. She’s been through the same hopelessness and sense of loss that they are… well okay not the exact same way, but she gets it. She wants to do something to make up for when she gave up and finds it in guiding Ruby. Someone who has the same gift and the same drive as she did in her youth. If Chapter 12 was any indication, Ruby may very well be on her way to being the next Grimm Reaper, and that’s all because of Maria. I love that old woman~

#4. Ozma and Salem Backstory

I have been watching RWBY since V1. I started just as the volume wrapped up, so I have more or less been around since the beginning. I have been following every plotline since 2013. I’ve had so many questions for so many years. One of the big ones was the connection between Oz and Salem, and why they have a conflict to begin with. I had waited since the end of V3 to get an answer. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but when we finally got it, I’d say that it had been very well worth the wait.

The Lost Fable was everything that I had been hoping for. We found out about Salem. We found out about Ozma and why he keeps reincarnating the way that he doe. We found out about the Gods. We found out the history of Remnant and what exactly happened to cause the world to be what it is now. We finally found out about why the moon is broken! There were so many answers to so many questions and even stuff that I wasn’t expecting. I had guessed that Oz and Salem were former lovers, but them having actually formed a family? Making themselves God and that being the beginning of their downfall? Damn man…

The backstory was very well done. I feel so bad for these people. Al that Salme wanted was her lover back after he gave her the happiness and love that she never received before. But she was also selfish, trying to turn the Gods against each other and then driving the world to war But the GOds also made her immortal and wiped out humanity, treating them more like objects than anything else. But the biggest victim here is Ozma. He did nothing wrong except die of an illness. He accepted a deal to be with his wife again, but still had to do what was right for the world. He didn’t do that, and by the time that he realized how twisted Salem had become, it was too late. He lost his love. He lost his children. He lost his life and had to start all over again, doomed to never die until he’s united the world. Otherwise, when the Relics unite and the Gods return, everything and everyone will die.

It all makes sense. Why Ozpin acts like he does and why he keeps reincarnated. Why Salem is so Hellbent on destroying all of humanity and making Oz suffer. Sure there are some unanswered questions, like how humanity came back after their demise, but that’ not that big a deal. This was several years in the making, and I can still remember the utter shock that I felt after the first viewing. I was so happy to have this at last, and again, the wait was very much worth it.

#3. The Brunswick Arc

As much as I wished that we had more varied reactions to the Ozpin stuff, we did get a very good arc due to the hopelessness that everyone felt. These two episodes were really great. It had this horror tone, and the snow setting certianly gave it a cold feeling. There were some good bits. Yang’s PTSD still affecting her and Blake trying to comfort her but saying the wrong words. Weiss being afraid to go back to Atlas after just escaping and her terror after finding the corpses. We have RUby’s concern of Qrow drinking if he finds the storeroom of alcohol and her trying to get him to talk to her, but he’s just closed himself off completely. RUby’s trying to be optimistic, but you can just see how much everyone is weighed down.

Then we get to Chapter 6. Things aren’t going well and everyone’s on the verge of just giving up. Yang’s tired. Blake is tired. Weiss is tired. They’re all doubtful of why they’re doing any of this and why they’re going to Atlas. Ruby tries to remind them that they have to… and that’s when we get Yang asking why. We see her blank anime eyes, and we just know that something is very, very wrong. They all try to get Ruby to drop the lamp in the well, and even she begins to say how tired she is. She goes to the well, her hands trembling as she holds the lamp over the well. Her eyes are blank, but she sighs, pulls back… and a pair of red eyes make her drop ti. She refuses to leave without it, so RWBY all go down and while they find the lamp, they also find something much, much worse: The Apathy.

These embodiments of nightmare fuel are Miles’ favorite Grimm. They’re essentially zombies, using their power to weigh you down until all that you feel is apathy. You feel nothing. You don’t care about anything. You just lay there, and you either die from that or the Apathy get to you first. They are horrifying. You can’t just shoot them dead either. The girls barely get away, only being saved by Ruby’s Silver Eyes. It ends with Weiss burning everything tot he ground as they escape. We find out that Bartleby brought the Apathy tot he farm in hopes of using it to ward off enemies since they can’t keep affording a Huntsmen. Instead, the whole horde found their way there, and no one cared. They felt nothing, except for tired.

This arc is short, but dark. There’s this bleakness all the way through. It feels like you’re the one standing out there in a blizzard with no warmth to push away the bitter cold. They did such a great job of nailing the tone. The Apathy are horrifying, but such a great concept and I can see why these are Miles’ favorite. You feel for all fo the characters and know that they are not acting right and there’s just so much relief when they snap out of it and drive away. On the upside, this gets them to apologize for their words and regain their resolve in getting the lamp to Atlas. It did a lot of good for Ruby, but we’ll get to that later. For now, this was a highlight of the volume, and I enjoyed it immensely.

#2. Bumblebee Storyline

Ho boy, this one has been controversial. And by controversial, I mean this has been hated on for stupid reasons. Like… really stupid. Bt I’m getting ahead of myself.

We all knew that when Blake came back, she and Yang would have things to work out. Which I think that they handled very well. Weiss’ talk with Yang helped her realize why Blake did what she did and let her back in. She still needed time, but she was just happy to have her back. Blake clearly still felt horrible for running away, trying to help Yang with her bag. I don’t think that Yang needed to be more angry towards Blake. Like I said, she had time to cool down and Weiss helped her with that. Blake was genuine in trying to make things right, especially when she saw that Yang was having a PTSD flashback. She talks about Adam’s tactics of making others feel powerless and tries to comfort Yang. But she ways the wrong words and Yang pushes the whole thing back as a result. Still, Yang pulled Blake out of the house after they got away from The Apathy after Blake, in particular, came close to death, so clearly Yang still cared.

But now, we get to the end of the volume, and as such the controversial bit. So int he final arc, Blake goes to take down the city’s radar, but as it turns out Adam stalked her. At this point, he’s lost everything. The White Fang. His power. His standing. At that point, all that mattered to him was making the one that he saw responsible suffer, and that was Blake. She fought back as Adam kept calling her a coward and a traitor. Unfortunately for him, Blake wasn’t alone. Yang entered the fray, and she held her own against him. Adam tried to intimidate her over what happened last time, and it’s enough to make Yang’s arm tremble. But Blake grabbed it, telling Adam that she isn’t protecting Yang. Nor is Yang protecting her. They’re protecting each other.

Adam was an abuser. While seeing his scar certainly leaves an impact, it doesn’t justify all that he had done. He only cared about control and power, and anyone who got in the way of that would earn his spite. He became a monster who emotionally abused Blake and frequently gaslighted her into making her stand at his side. That is until Blake decided that enough was enough, and she left him and the WF behind. Since then, he wanted her to suffer, as well as anyone else that she cared about. It’s why he dismembered Yang. Imo, Blake had no romantic feelings for Yang at that time, but she was still her partner. And because of it, Yang had to suffer at Adam’s hand. Which caused Blake to run, and for Yang to be traumatized and broken. In that moment, Adam made his choice, and there was no redeeming him nor did he want it.

Fortunately, the two girls recovered and got back together. But there was still one obstacle in their way before they could truly move forward, and it was Adam. They gave him the chance to eave. He refused. They fought him. It was either fight back or die. It ended with Yang managing to stop Adam’s Semblance by using her own, getting rid of his sword in the process. Adam lunged at Blake’s broken weapon ut as Blake did, and had he gotten it first then he’d keep trying to kill them. As such when Blake grabbed it and when Yang grabbed the other half, they did the only thing that they could to save themselves: shove the blades forward through Adam. It ended with him falling over the cliff, and to his watery grave.

Adam’s death caused a lot of controversies, but considering that this is a Likes post, you can probably guess where I stand. Adam wasn’t ruined by the CRWBY whatsoever and he led himself to his end and this was the right time to do it. But really? That’s not important. What’s important is what happens after, when Blake breaks down. Yang hugs her and Blake tearfully swears that she’s not going to run again. Yang answers that she knows. These two girls went through so much Hell, and it was together that they were able to set themselves free. This is what finally got me to subscribe to the bumblebee ship. Before. I was indifferent and at times angered by how many people used it to attack the writers. But this was when I saw the value of it. That sense of mutual support that they both needed. How they freed each other. How they can now move forward, and do so together as equals. This showed how great that bond is. How great that their characters are. How far that they have come, and how they can now move on. I loved this arc. It was well written, well-acted by Barbara and Arryn, and was just a super satisfying ride from beginning to end. I loved it.

But alas, there was one thing that I loved even more. Which is a big deal because this was the one thing that I was hoping for above else in this volume. What was that thing? Well...

#1. Ruby Character Arc

In my Volume 5 Dislikes post, I said that Ruby’s lack of development was the thing I hated most. It was the only real thing in the volume that I hated. When V6 was about to start, my one hope was that they would give RUby something. I didn’t care what, as long as it was something that would develop her character and have a payoff, I could live with it. And… well… they did it. They absolutely did it.

This was everything that I had been hoping for. In this volume, Ruby has to take the reigns of leadership. She’s the one who reminds them about the innocents on Argus when the truth about the Relic came out. When Oz tried to make her give the lamp back, she refused and questioned if he lied about protecting humanity. She made her own choices and was the only one aside form Maria to keep her sense and keep moving. At Brunswick, she had every reason to be frustrated and hopeless. But she kept it together and tried to do things like find food or get Qrow to talk to her. This girl was trying her best.

Then we get to Alone in the Woods. I went over this a bit int he Brunswick section, but Ruby here was fantastic. We do see that she can get frustrated and that she can’t always kepe up her optimistic facade. She almost gives in to being tired, but he fights it back, This was what she signed up for. She had a duty, and she was going to carry it out to protect everyone. She managed to fight back against the Apathy’s influence to save Blake, and then with Maria’s help was able to tap into the Silver Eyes enough to blast a huge number of them into dust. And because of it, we finally, finally have Ruby question about the Silver Eyes and ask Maria to teach her to use them.

So much good for Ruby was in here. She has to harden herself a little. It never gets to the point of brooding or angsting, but she and the others are left with no true guidance. The closest thing that she has is Maria, but she’s a new arrival in the conflict. Ruby’s used to Ozpin or Qrow having the answers, but they both have given up. But Ruby hasn’t. And when Qrow refuses ot hear Jaune’d plan out and tells everyone to just give up now, what does Ruby do? She turns to her uncle, her mentor, and tells him that she’s going to hear Jaune out. THat she doesn’t care what Qrow thinks. He may have given up, but it doesn’t mean that she has to. This was where she truly became the leader of not just her team, but the entire group. It took a second talk, but she restored Qrow’s hope. She refused to give up because they can’t. This was what she chose to do, and she was going to do it. With or without anyone to guide her.

It all ends when, after the plan went array, RUby faced Cordo. All that she has is her scythe, but this teenaged girl tells Cordo to either let them through or else. Cordo refuses, so Ruby carries out her threat by gumming up the canon arm to the point of disrepair. But that’s not the end. The Grimm attack, and they all decide to stay. RUby calls the Argus base, telling them that she is a Huntress. This isn’t the same wide-eyed girl who fangirled at Glynda and asked her for an autograph because she was a Huntress. No, this time Ruby is that Huntress. Her resolve is stronger than ever. She’s going to save Argus, and she has the one thing that can do the job: the Silver Eyes.

This was RUby’s trial by fire, and she passed it. It isn’t easy as her happy memories get tainted by the bad ones. But she’s able to use her wits and summon Jinn to buy herself time. Yes, she used the Relic despite not having a question, and she got away with it. It’s enough to let her recollect her happy memories, and ended with the first shot of her mother, Summer Rose. That image is the last thing that RUby needed to, for the first time by her own choice, use the Silver Eyes. while she’s only able to briefly freeze the Leviathan, it’s enough time to let Cordo recover and kill it for good. She lets them through due to this, and RUby not only guaranteed Argus’ safety, but them successfully making it to Atlas.

Ruby is often derided as a flat and under-developed character. I disagree. It’s not easy to move forward. It’s not easy to stay strong when so much is falling apart. Giving up is easy. Hating is easy. But RUby refused to take the easy way. She made a choice, and she has stood by that choice over and over again. She began as a naive girl with a childish dream and major anxiety. She surpassed it. She went from being afraid to make friends to befriending everyone that she meets. She went form charging at a Nevermore to prove herself, to channeling that recklessness into insane but brilliant plans. She went form questioning Oz if he was right to choose her to be leader, to effortlessly leading her team and encouraging others. Her dreams went from a childish fantasy to true dedication and understanding of what she’s fighting for. Bad things happen, and she wants to make people’s lives better as much as possible. She has a stronger understanding of the world and used it to better herself. Now here? She’s taking matters into her own hands and pushing everyone forward along with her. She’s holding on to her hope, and that is what makes her strong.

Ruby is an amazing character. She is my favorite character. And this volume shows why that is. This corrected all of the mistakes that I felt that V5 made. She actively develops and it’s never dropped. She questions things and starts to learn from them. She learns to use her Silver Eyes. But most of all? All of this got a payoff wth her facing the Leviathan. Yes, she’s still suppressing so much and that’ll come back to haunt her. But for right now, this is what she needed. She needed to take this step, and they executed it wonderfully. As such, ti si is without a shadow of a doubt my favorite thing about RWBY Volume 6.

And with that, we are done! It’s been one Hell of a trip going back down memory lane, but I enjoyed it! Thank you, everyone, who read this as well as the previous posts. I’m not likely going to do any other LikesDislikes for RWBY until V8 starts. But I’m not done reviewing. V7 starts tomorrow, and I plan to do my episode reviews for it. I hope that you all will check those out. V7 is on the horizon my friends, and I am ready for it! I hope that you are to. But for now, thank you again, and I’ll catch you later~!

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