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leonardo-capulet · 5 years ago

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Pull Me Through || Cris & Leo

Who: Cristian & Leo Capulet

What: After a second, difficult therapy session Leo calls on Cristian’s help before slipping up, they meet up for coffee. Leo opens up about the most critical event in his past and makes mistakes. As usual.

Where: Unnamed Cafe

When: February 28th, 2022

Trigger Warnings: Just want to be careful so the TW are as follows - death, depression, PTSD, alcoholism... etc...

Cristian sat staring at the text as he sipped at his coffee, a mixture of emotions passing through him. He’d told Leo he would be there if he did therapy... and was relieved the Dominant was getting help— and communicating... But it didn’t change how confusing and difficult it was for the submissive to meet with him either. He needed to keep space to some degree— to make sure Leo didn’t rely on him too much, since it was obvious he still had feelings for Cristian... Something that again left Cristian with a confusing mix of emotions... And the last thing Cristian wanted was to be hurt again. His life finally felt semi normal again— and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t enjoyed trying to date again and meet people. He’d been on a handful of dates with Dominants over the past few weeks, enjoying himself far more than he’d planned. Hell, he even was seeing Jian again after he chatted with Leo, much to his own surprise. He felt confident again, even if it wasn’t where he’d seen his life going perhaps. Did he still care about Leo though? Of course. He just didn’t want to lead Leo on... Or risk falling for the Dominant again. It would simply be too easy to fall back into old habits and give into the lingering feelings he still had for Leo— but it wasn’t worth the chance of getting hurt again. The submissive didn’t trust himself to recover a second time if Leo ever left him, and it was that thought that reassured him it was the right call to push purely for a friendship with Leo at this point. To help him... but make it clear he couldn’t be more. Sure He texted back. He had somethings he needed to do for work, but he could push them off till later in the evening. Where do you want to meet? Or would you prefer to call?

Leo hated the fact that he was feeling this weak. This broken down. Too many bad habits built up over years worth of time. He wanted to be someone better and stronger than all this. Although, he supposed, therapy was supposed to help with that. Everything hurt too much, bringing up the past only made him relive it. Perhaps, he shouldn’t have asked Cristian for company, but he had nobody else. He’d made sure to isolate himself from everyone. There was nobody else he trusted to speak to. Once again, he reminded himself that even if Cristian helped him, it was nothing more than friendship. Nothing more than being a good and kind person, someone far better than he could ever be. So, when the text came back, he stared at it for a moment swallowing back the relief he felt.

Coffee? Maybe? If that’s okay?

He followed that text with an address to the coffee shop he intended to go to, and made his way in that direction.

The submissive sighed in relief when he saw the coffee shop address wasn’t as far as Leo’s apartment had been. In the current traffic it would easily still take 30 minutes though, but he didn’t bother mentioning it if that was where Leo wanted to meet. His gaze darted to the coffee he held in his other hand, bringing it to his lips to finish off what was left. Did he need more caffeine at the moment? No, but he’d just get decaf or a tea, he muses to himself. Thats fine. Why don’t we plan to meet in an hour? That would at least give him enough time to finish up what he was doing and not rush there. Thankfully he had a while still before meeting up with Jian, so he wasn’t overly concerned for time.

When the next text came through, Leo checked his watch, and decided it wouldn’t matter if he was early. Better he was early than late, and he didn’t have time to go home first. If he did, he surely wouldn’t come back out and he didn’t want to sit in his apartment alone. That’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour, and thank you. Despite the lack of alcohol, Leo found himself slowly pulling himself out of the dark hole he felt he was in. Somehow, mentioning Alex, going through every single moment of what happened, it made him see things clearly. He wouldn’t have been able to save Alex. It was an unfortunate accident, unfortunate circumstance. Leo was surprised he was starting to feel less of the pain, less of the guilt, although it certainly weighed on him and he still didn’t completely relinquish the blame he shouldered. Arriving at the coffee shop some time later, he ordered a cup and found a table with the most privacy possible to sit, staring down into his cup as he thought over the session he’d had today.

Cristian arrived several minutes early, as was typical for the submissive. What he had not expected was to spot Leo already at a table off in the corner, coffee in hand. Quickly grabbing himself a cup of tea, he made his way over to join the older Capulet, giving a weak but polite smile as he approached. “Hopefully I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”

Having been lost in his thoughts, Leo hadn’t noticed when Cristian arrived. Lifting his head to see the submissive, he surveyed the smile on his face. It bothered him, seeing that particular smile. This wasn’t the smile that he was used to, it wasn’t the genuine smile that he’d come to love, and that made him feel uneasy. Trying not to show it, he shook his head, unable to smile as his mind was still reeling from his therapy session. His eyes lowered back down to the cup in his hand. “I wasn’t waiting long.” He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry to ask you to come, I didn’t know what else to do and... quite frankly... I’m not feeling very in control of myself at the moment.” Weak. Thats how he was feeling at the moment, but he couldn’t bear looking at Cristian knowing he wasn’t able to handle what was discussed in his session once again. He’d already seen Leo drunk, for the first time, now he was seeing Leo completely weak. The thought made him even more nauseous, but it was either have Cristian there with him and find a reason to continue pushing past the pain, or do this alone and likely fall into his old habits.

Cristian slid into the seat opposite Leo, lips curling into a frown. It was as he feared, considering the other's interest in meeting up. He really shouldn't have felt surprised. "I'm presuming.. You went to therapy then and it was a big much? Or is it something else?"

A heavy sigh escaped Leo, and his head dipped down lower. "No, it was therapy. We talked about it... it was the first time I've talked about it... about him..." Leo's fingers tapped on the coffee cup before he said the name out loud. "About Alex. I talked about what happened, everything that happened." He took a shaky breath and brought a hand to his face, covering it for a moment as he shook his head. "I know I shouldn't be bothering you... but the therapist suggested that talking about it would make it easier. Anyway, I don't expect you to be the one to listen to it all... it's just hard. Talking about it makes me feel like I'm reliving it all over again." Still, he didn't look up, or meet Cristian's gaze. This one event had changed everything, it had been the catalyst for everything that happened after, and all of Leo's terrible mistakes. "This was somehow harder to talk about than the military... maybe it's because it was the last thing to happen... maybe because he was family. I don't know. Maybe because I made the worst decision of my life after it... the first thing I thought about when I left this session? I wanted to drink. Then that made me think... when did I become the person who needed alcohol to cope? When did I become the man who got so drunk he could hardly function? I used to look at people like that, people who were too drunk to be in control, and I hated it. Then I became that. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision... and all this because I didn't know how to face what happened... not the right way. And even now, I'm still sitting here in front of you, wondering if drinking wouldn't still make this easier."

“Oh Leo,” Cristian responded softly. One hand was wrapped around his drink, the other reaching out to gently lay upon Leo’s lower arm. “I’m sorry it’s so hard for you to discuss... but I’m glad you still went and tried, yeah?...” He gave the Dominant’s arm a gentle squeeze adding, “Alex isn’t an easy topic for anyone, Leo. But me or anyone else in the family will always listen if you need to talk about it... him.” Alex knew the risks. They all did. Leo just seemed to have trouble accepting that fact which had otherwise helped the rest of the family cope with the loss. Hearing the other discuss his drinking habits wasn’t particularly comforting though, and reassured Cristian he’d made the right call dumping what he’d found at Leo’s down the sink. “Drinking would not help this though. You’re a smart man— you know it was only delaying you thinking about it. Delaying reaching this point in the path to recovery, yeah?”

Feeling Cristian's hand on his arm was comforting, and he was grateful for the gesture. Still, Leo kept his eyes lowered and he merely nodded at what Cristian was saying. "I want to get better. I really do and I know that talking about this is going to end up helping... but it doesn't make today, and right now the easiest. I don't want to talk to the family. There's nobody in the family who knows... knew me better than you did." That was the truth, but Cristian had also made an effort to know him, and Leo felt comfortable telling him things, even if they were small bits of himself. Leo was aware he was difficult to truly get to know. "The only person I can see myself talking about this to always ends up being you, but I can't help feeling like it's unfair to you." He kept putting so much of his burden on Cristian, and the submissive didn't deserve all of that. Thinking about the drinking, the way the alcohol had made him feel, he nodded. "I know that now. I see what it was doing to me, and you're right, it was slowing down my ability to recover from it all. I just have to keep reminding myself of that, and I have to keep reminding myself that it'll get easier with time."

Cristian cringed first the briefest moment before forcing a polite smile again, somewhat grateful Leo’s gaze wasn’t on him 100%. It definitely felt a bit unfair to the submissive, but he understood Leo lacked many other options. It was unfortunate, and Cristian knew there was no way he could not help the other. “Well... the first step is recognizing that, Leo. Whether or not you can learn to control your drinking— or if it’s something you need to perhaps stop entirely, will be up to you. Nobody expects you to be perfect at it though. Trying to identify situations and triggers though that lead to that behavior is a good start.”

He could only shrug at what Cristian said at first. Then, finally, he said, "I expect myself to be perfect. It's like I told you before... I expect better from myself. I set high expectations for myself, and I expect to meet them. The drinking... that's going to stop. It has to. I just... today was hard, but I'll figure it out because I have to. It's just easier to make sure that I don't make that mistake again when you're here." Another shrug, and he pulled his arm away from Cristian, wrapping his arms around himself, and his eyes flicked up to the submissive before looking back down. "I won't talk to you about what happened unless you ask. It's not fair to you." He'd just talk about it with the therapist, it was easier that way. Lifting a hand, he ran his fingers through his hair again before sighing. "Sorry, for this and everything else. Seems like you were right, when you said I keep screwing you over." He let out a harsh laugh. "I fucked up, and now I'm asking you for help and support when I don't have any right to it. Yet, here you are, and I don't know why. I'll never be able to thank you enough for this... for the help, for even sitting here and listening to me."

The submissive couldn’t help the bit of irritation he felt with Leo’s type A perfectionist personality at times like this. “You know as much as I respect someone who tried to get things just right, it doesn’t make them a bad person or failure if it doesn’t always work out,” Cristian retorted, voice slightly more stern. “Stop expecting yourself to be so damn Perfect, Leo. You’re not and I’m pretty sure you’re aware of that right now more than ever, so why set an impossible goal?” He paused to bring his mug to his lips, frustrated that Leo had pulled away and was making excuses. “You may not be being fair to me, but you’re also not being fair to yourself, Leo.” He sighed and ran his free hand through his hair, tone relaxing when he realized he was beginning to feel a bit heated. “Look... I’m here now. I gave you my word I’d meet at times when it felt easier to just drink alone at home instead of go out. I’m not backing down on that, and I’m happy you felt comfortable enough to call me... I’m not going to pressure you to chat about your sessions, regardless of what your therapist suggests. You can, or we can talk about anything else that gets your mind off it if you want. But I will not sit here if you’re just going to keep putting yourself down, Leo.”

Cristian’s words were like a shock to the system. It wasn’t anything that Leo didn’t already know. He’d already thought about his impossible goals for himself. Still, hearing it from the submissive seemed to pass through whatever barrier he had stubbornly set for himself. “You’re right.” He said softly. “Maybe I set those goals for myself because I hope to reach something close to it sometime.” He finally looked up at Cristian, letting his gaze settle on the other for a moment before saying, “Funny, isn’t it, how I used to be one ridiculously cocky son of a bitch. But I find it difficult not to be hard on myself when I look at the mistakes I’ve made... and I’m not talking about all of those in the military, or even Alex.” He sighed bringing his arms back onto the table as he leaned forward slightly. “Do you want to know... what happened? What really happened, and why it bothers me so much? Because I’ll tell you. I’ll get it out in the open, whatever it is you want to know. Anything you want to know. It’ll be easier to be honest anyway.”

“There’s a lot I’d like to know, Leo,” the submissive responded after a moment, deciding to be careful about his wording. His mind immediately went to their breakup when Leo denied his focus being the military or Alex with his comments, though Cristian knew it could be several things. “But... what matters more to me is your comfort discussing all of this, and it being positive discussion versus something that’s only going to hurt you— both of us— more.” He set down his tea and reached out again, reaching directly for one of the Dominant’s hands to clasp in his own. “I... I’m sorry you’re hurting... And that it took two years apart for you to feel you could sit down and try to have conversations like this. Yes— I was angry with you— and I think a small part of me still is if I’m honest.” His blowup seeing Leo at the bar was proof enough emotions lingered. “But I was mostly worried, Leo. Scared... Confused. And as much as I might like to know what happened, I’m just relieved seeing you here— alive. That’s much more important to me right now.” He gave Leo’s hand another squeeze, thinking back to a lot of his own therapy he’d attended that had helped him process Leo’s absence. He forced a sad smile, continuing, “I... already accepted that a lot was out of my control, whether I liked it or not. I think at this point acceptance of the past might be a positive step forward for both of us.”

Leo didn’t move away this time. His other hand covering Cristian’s. He let the submissive speak without interruption. His eyes lingered on their joined hands for a moment before looking back at the other male. “I understand why you’re angry with me, and I don’t blame you at all... and I’m sorry for making you worried, scared, and confused. What I did was wrong, it was selfish... I know that now, and I’m so sorry for that. I can only say if I could do it again, I would never have made the same choice.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “I am okay... I’m okay with discussing anything with you. So, you’re saying there’s a lot you want to know... and there’s a lot I’m wanting to answer. Just ask me whatever it is, and I’ll start there, I’ll answer whatever you need and I’ll do my best not to be too hard on myself. I just think once everything’s out in the open, maybe we can find some way to move past it... or maybe it’s just me that needs to find a way to move forward, either way... I want to talk to you, I do, even if it’s hard to say.”

Cristian shook his head, biting his lip for a moment as to not lose composure. Getting those apologies from Leo— a sober Leo— meant a lot, even if they didn’t undo the damage. But he didn’t come to the cafe to discuss what they had been. His hand began to feel uncomfortably warm and sweaty in the Dominant’s, and he found himself gently pulling it back, as much as it hurt to let go of the other’s touch. “Leo, I told you we could meet if you felt yourself teetering towards drinking and were alone. I thought... I thought you needed to talk about your therapy session. I didn’t come here looking for answers. Regardless of what I want or wanted to know, as I said I’ve already accepted what happened regardless. It feels like you’re trying to push this conversation though as if it’s going to magically fix everything for you.” He sighed, pausing and sipping at his drink again to buy himself time. “What... what do you want to talk about or tell me. Why don’t we just go with that?”

It was his own fault for changing gears. Leo nodded and as the submissive pulled away he clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking. No use in apologizing again for having changed the topic. “Okay. I’m just trying to hold it together, Cristian... but alright. Might as well rip off the bandaid and talk about what caused me to call you:” Leo focused his gaze on his coffee cup. He wasn’t going to make it through this discussion if he looked at Cristian. He’d already gone through the story once today, it was going to live on repeat in his mind for the coming days, talking about it now wasn’t going to make it worse. “Alright, well, I’ll just start with the day it happened since you already know everything before that.” They’d kept in contact when he was gone, Cristian was aware of everything that had passed before the day Alex died, before he caught the person they were tracking. “If at any point you need me to stop... just... just tell me and I will.... I’ll understand.” His hands unconsciously gripped tighter, as if the tighter he held on the more likely he would be to control his emotions.

Cristian was somewhat relieved when the tone seemed to shift, nodding in understanding. It was tempting to reach back out and take the Dominant’s hand again, but for now he wanted to see if Leo was strong enough to get the words out on his own.

Taking the submissive’s silence as a confirmation that he could start, Leo took a deep and shaky breath and launched into the story, beginning with that morning. The words started off slow, however it wasn’t until he got closer to Alex’s death that his throat tightened again. He closed his eyes, seeing everything as vividly as when it happened that same day. The series of events happening slowly. He could see each thing happening like a domino effect of events to the point where Leo could see what was about to happen, but it was too late. He wouldn’t make it in time to stop anything, he couldn’t reach Alex in time no matter how fast he ran, and he had run. He’d gone faster than he ever had before. Leo stopped then, at the part where he’d reached Alex. He tried to swallow, his hands hurting from how tightly he held them, but he could feel them still shaking despite his efforts not to. It took a moment before he continued on, all the way through capturing the man, but not after sustaining his own injury. Once he was done he paused feeling the grief as if it were new all over again. “Do you know why it was so hard for me? I know that they knew the risks... but I should have seen the warning signs sooner, and when I did realize what was happening, it was too late. I might have stopped it all if I’d just... paid better attention. I’m trained to do this, Cristian. I’ve saved plenty of others before, people who were family, people who weren’t as good as Alex, and I failed him when he needed me.”

The submissive’s eyes stung as he listened, not surprised at the topic but rather by the detail Leo went into this time as he retold the events. The big chunks of what had happened weren’t actually new... He’d been Tybalt’s personal assistant and thus had known almost as much as the Head of their house regarding the fallout after. And he’d witnessed the changes in Leo. Still, here was his ex blaming himself again for something that wasn’t his fault. Alex had known how dangerous it was when he volunteered, and he certainly couldn’t see the deceased cousin happy to see his family struggling to process his death still years later. “Leo, Alex knew these risks too,” he urged sternly, frowning. “He wasn’t a child. He knew, and as much as you blame yourself, it’s not your fault, sweetheart.” His hand reached back out cautiously, gently laying on top of Leo’s clasped hands. “Do you think he would want to see you blaming yourself? Letting your life come to a halt because of his? ... No, Leo. He wouldn’t, trust me. If- I had been who was with you, not him, and the same fate befell me, I would never want to see you struggling like this. Mourn me for a period of time, sure, but never to blame yourself for what happened. He would want you and the rest of the family to be happy and at peace... To enjoy Verona finally calming down and both our family and the Montagues at peace. You didn’t hurt Alex— those horrible men did. None of what happened to him is your fault.”

Tears brimmed his eyes before spilling over and he pulled one of his hands away fo rub his palm over his face to rid it of the tears. He cleared his throat and said, “I know... I know... but it doesn’t change how I wanted to save him... I wanted to save him so bad,” His brow furrowed as he tried to calm himself down. “I don’t know why it’s always me. Why do I have to keep seeing friends die? I know there’s nothing I can do to stop fate, but I still keep wondering... why wasn’t it me? Why them?” He shook his head and used his free hand to run his fingers through his hair. “I guess in the end that’s the real problem I have with everything. How much can a man see? It’s... God, Cris... it’s... the most awful thing I’ve ever seen, seeing a man die. It can break a man... seeing things like that.” And it had broken many men and women for centuries. He was merely one of many. “Maybe it’s not my fault... maybe no matter what I'd done I still wouldn’t have been able to change the outcome... but it hurts, and it just keeps haunting me, and I keep doubting myself and whether I’m good enough at my job. Should I be doing my job? And why... again... why me? These are all things that keep running through my head.”

Perhaps if Cristian had had more of a spine he’d have remained where he sat— but he’d always had a soft heart, wanting to help others. He may have come off as rude or boss at times, but he hated seeing sights like the one in front of him. Not wanting to deal with anyone who might glance their way, and wanting to comfort, Cristian pulled his hand away from Leo and held up a napkin to the other Incase he would want to dry his eyes. It was intentional, moving to stand then and repositioning his chair so it was beside Leo, effectively sandwiching the Dominant between himself and the wall, with thankfully only a wall in front of them. “Leo,” he repeated again softly as he slid into the chair. His arms immediately slid around the Dominant tenderly, not minding how tense the other felt and hoping he could relieve some of the other’s pain. How often had he cried over this alone? Hid it from Cristian in the past, even when he’d been there for him? “I’m beyond grateful it wasn’t you, sweetheart.” Maybe.... Leo did need a career change though? Something behind a desk similar to Cristian? Certainly less dangerous clients and assignments. He rubbed gentle circles on Leo’s back adding, “You’re excellent at your job, you are... but maybe you could look into something a bit easier down the road? On your heart, if nothing else, yeah? Being a personal bodyguard doesn’t have to be it for you, if you’ve had enough. And nobody would blame you for needing a change of pace.”

It took a moment to register that Cristian had moved next to him. Leo didn’t move at first, but eventually he leaned into the comforting touch. The calming effect that the submissive had was still shocking to Leo. He wondered if he’d opened up before he left, would he have figure this all out sooner? Would he started healing faster? It seemed like wasted time, so much wasted time. He registered a question, “You’re grateful it wasn’t me?” He thought over the potential of switching jobs. “Personal security is supposed to be the safer option. Maybe someday... I don’t know, I’ve been told I’m really good, really thorough at my job. I don’t even know what else I’d do... but it does almost feel like it’s only a matter of time. Kind of like a cat with nine lives. Like I’m still going on borrowed time.” Oddly, that didn’t bother him. The possibility that his time might come in the line of duty? Not a fear for him. It probably should be, but it seemed pointless for him to worry about something like that. Leo turned his head to look at Cristian. “Going to Verona was supposed to be safe for me. I was supposed to settle... finally find a home. I didn’t want to move anymore. Then all of that happened and I couldn’t face it, the death and the guilt. It’s easy to tell me that it’s not my fault and I understand why... it’s just going to take me a little while before I can believe it... Just... don’t give up on me yet, Cristian. I’ll heal, and I won’t hurt anymore. At least I’m not holding everything in.. I promise I won’t hold it all in anymore.”

Cristian sincerely hoped Leo would heal... And that the Dominant believed his own words. He had to bite his tongue though, holding back when he almost spoke his mind. You had a home in Verona. Me. Instead, he buried his own head in Leo’s neck for a moment himself, sighing. “That’s all... anyone can ask for, Leo. But yes— I’m grateful you’re alive— that you’re here,” he admitted And paused to pull back enough to look the Dominant in the eyes. “I didn’t imagine I’d ever even have you here like this to be honest. So perhaps it’s selfish... but I’m glad it wasn’t you. I have no regrets in regards to that line of thought either... Alex... he was family, and loved and is dearly missed. But mercifully... he wasn’t seeing anyone. He didn’t have someone waiting for his safe return like I was. Losing you would have been all of those things and so much worse, Leo.”

God, Cristian was so close, and as the submissive buried his head in Leo’s neck, he tightened couldn’t help but pull Cristian in close. Meeting the other’s eyes, he listened to the words being spoken and he tried hard not to read into it. Leo had come back to Cristian, but not the same. Instead, he’d returned a broken man, unable to work past the things in his mind. Listening to every word the other said only made him wish he could do something to make up for walking away. As he sat there staring back into those blue eyes he loved so much, he knew he shouldn’t do what he wanted to do. But if he could just kiss him again. Leo leaned in, feeling an ache inside him, one that yearned for Cristian. A million different things crossed through his mind, a million words, but none of them seemed sufficient after what the other had said. He knew in the back of his mind that Cristian didn’t want anything like what they had. He knew that whatever love he’d had for Leo, it wasn’t there anymore, and if love was there at all it wasn’t what it used to be. Only Leo was hanging on, and as he stared back into Cristian’s eyes he felt himself react before he could talk himself out of it again as one hand lifted and rested on the side of the submissive’s face and his lips found Cristian’s. He knew that he shouldn’t, worried he would push the other away, but in that split second as his lips met the other male’s he poured every bit of love and emotion he could. If it was the last memory he would have of him, he wouldn’t leave any questions. He’d always been the man to speak through his actions, and he did that now swallowing back regret and clinging to hope.

He knew he should have seen it coming. Cristian knew Leo still had feelings for him. His body tensed the moment he felt Leo’s lips against his own, frozen in shock. He reflexively relaxed a moment later, only to break the kiss when he realized what he’d— what they had done, eyes wide and glossy, face masked in shame. He was over Leo. He’d worked hard to move on— and the last thing he wanted was to relapse into the depression he’d worked so hard to climb out of after Leo left. The words fell from his lips defensively, despite the fact they were a lie. “I’m seeing someone.” His gaze flickered down to his lap, terrified of the other’s reaction. It wasn’t 100% a lie... Cristian had been dating around— though nothing too serious. Still, Leo didn’t know that, and as much as he felt like an asshole for saying it, it was the first thing that came to mind. “I-“ His throat felt swollen, practically choking out the rest of what he wanted to say. “I’m sorry if I misled you— I shouldn’t... I— I already told you, Leo... I think it’s better— healthier for the both of us if we work towards a friendship... And not rush into something that we might end up regretting.” He glanced back up, eyes wet as he forced a smile and added, “You mean a lot to me, but I don’t want to risk losing that, you know?”

God dammit. He shouldn't have done it. He knew he shouldn't have done it and yet... his body reacted without thought. Well. Now Leo would pay for, yet again, another thing he'd done wrong. He loved Cristian, loved. That wasn't an emotion he allowed for anyone. Apparently, there was a reason for it. The vulnerability that came with that? It was too much. He found himself thinking for a moment that he wished things had gone differently after all, Alex alive, him... well, it would have made things far easier. He felt guilty thinking that. The moment that Cristian said he was seeing someone, Leo tensed, feeling a cold wash over him at the realization. Cristian had moved on, of course he had. How could he forget? Leo would be paying for a terrible decision he'd made when he was in the worst possible mindset, and it was no excuse, but he hated it just the same. Even though the other was talking, Leo could hardly hear the words, hardly process what was being said as swallowed back embarrassment and disappointment. "No... no, it wasn't you. This was all my fault." He heard himself saying, as if it were coming from someone else. He meant a lot to Cristian. As a friend. Leo was going to have to learn to live with that fact. But he couldn't figure out how someone could live watching the person they were completely in love with, fall in love with someone else. How could he have thought that this was the best option? God, how could he be so stupid? His urge to leave was screaming at him, but being trapped as he was between Cristian and the wall Leo simply buried his face in his hands. What a fucking day.

Cristian frowned, feeling horrible as he watched the Dominant’s reaction. Shit. He immediately felt guilty for lying to Leo, but... But he’d kissed him, and Cristian was still trying to process the fact he hadn’t exactly pushed him off immediately. The fact Leo... he felt different yet the same— and there had been a scary desperation and love poured into the short moment. “Leo... Leo— look at me,” he urged, one hand moving hesitantly to the Dominant’s back again.

It was the way that Cristian said his name, a hand on his back, it had him turning his head to look at the submissive. His eyes meeting the other and swallowing again. He didn't know what was about to be said, what was about to happen, but he tried not to feel dread over what he'd done. His eyes ran over the submissive's face, fighting that urge to reach out for him once again.

“If you insist on taking blame, then please also accept my forgiveness, okay?” His hand moved from Leo’s back to gently cup the Dominant’s cheek for the briefest moment. “If this close of physical contact is too much for you, that’s my fault, and I’ll try to keep some distance if you’d prefer. I know I can be... touchy. I just care about you and don’t want you to ever forget that, alright? But I just.. don’t think I can offer you more than friendship, Leo.” He shook his head, explaining, “I’m not the same person I was two years ago. You said you loved me... But you love me from two years ago. A memory of me.” Cristian’s voice was soft as he spoke, reflecting on the fact Leo had also changed just as much. “I want to be there for you and help you get better, but using who I was two years ago as a crutch... I can’t be that person for you. I’m not him anymore.”

Leo's face softened, although his eyes were still sad, and he closed his eyes at the touch, savoring the feel of the submissive's hand on his face for too short a moment. "You have nothing to apologize for." He began, but after Cristian finished speaking Leo sat up straight, his eyes locked on the submissive. "I know you're not the same. I'm not the same. No person would ever be the same after two years, even if the things that happened for us hadn't happened, we still would be different." Leo didn't know the changes in Cristian but from the small bits of interaction they'd had he knew something for certain. "I love you. And yes, we've both changed... but the important things about you haven't changed. You're still good, Cristian, you're still incredibly good, and just what you've shown me so far? That isn't likely to change, but... if you want to be there for me as a friend. I can respect that. I'm not... well, you're seeing someone and it is what it is. I can handle whatever you give me, whether it's touchy, or not. I just know one thing... I don't want you to keep some distance. I would much rather have your support."

The submissive’s lips split into a genuine, relaxed smile at Leo’s response, utterly relieved. As much as he hated to lie to Leo, Cristian was scared of him and what they’d had— and how it had hurt. Being around him still made Cristian feel horribly anxious as if he was going to run off again at any moment — yet he couldn’t deny a small part of him was also thrilled, having missed him so. He knew it was probably unhealthy for the both of them, but Cristian silently felt his heart warm each time Leo mentioned loving him— words he’d missed for too long. If the little lie meant he could get to know Leo again without it being more then so be it. Was it selfish? Definitely. But in that moment, Cristian didn’t care. “You will always have my support, Leo Capulet. Always,” he promised.

#[convo: cristian 7]#tw: death #tw: depression #tw: ptsd #tw: alcoholism #//using Emarosa - Blue Reimagined song lyrics #kaythanx #Leo's self-para was posted earlier today that goes along with this

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