#seriously though andrew was so unhinged for that

[ninyard]

what is your most unhinged neil hc

(tw; animal cruelty)

there's a line in tkm where neil says he "hadn't progressed past cutting up hunks of dead animals" and that two of nathan's people taught him to use a knife.

i had to search for a while to find the exact quote because i thought it was "neil hadn't progressed on from just killing animals". it's only because i read it over my partner's shoulder yesterday or the day before that i even remember that line existed, and I remembered it wrong. but instead of ignoring that old oopsie daisy of my memory, i propose to you this;

when andrew suggests the idea of getting a cat, or arrives home one random day with a kitten in his arms, neil freaks out. he'd never had a pet before, or thought about having one, but for a second he's back in his childhood home and remembering those few months where his father's people handed neil a knife and curled his fingers around it like the handle in his palm was his purpose.

chunks of meat turns into dead mice and then rats, then alive squirrels or birds, but one day he's sitting with romero maybe, and he is talking neil through the best places to stab someone for them to bleed out slowly, when lola comes into the cellar with her coat wrapped around something. her smile is evil, it's disgusting, and when neil is stupid enough to ask her what she has, she laughs.

i think you're ready for it, junior, she says, with her lips curled into a grin, sharing a glance with romero as she turns to show him what she's hiding in her hands. romero matches her laugh with a pleased nod. all this practice has to mean something, doesn't it?

so she pulls this tiny animal out of her pocket, no bigger than her hand, her fingers almost making a full loop around it. when neil looks closer at the kitten, there's no way it can be older than a few days old. he tells lola hes not doing it. she tells him he has no choice. and so he has no choice.

when andrew comes into their apartment, and his hair is all soaking wet because its pouring down outside, neil doesn't see lola in the room until he hears the quiet meow of whatever andrew is keeping dry under his jacket.

neil remembers how he threw up, how he was beaten for crying, how he begged and begged not to have to do it, which just got him in even more trouble. this tiny, helpless kitten in andrew’s hands triggers him to the point where andrew finds a box to keep it in and after punching some air holes in it, he hide it away in their closet, away enough that Neil can’t hear it’s incessant meows.

neil feels awful in that moment, remembering what he did, remembering what he was forced to do. he gets over it slowly, quietly. but before that, andrew tells him in seriousness if he wants him to get rid of it he will, if neil can’t have a pet like a cat, if it’s too much of a trigger for him. neil sees how much andrew looks after the abandoned little kitten, and he can’t. he can’t tell him to get rid of it, even though every time he looks at it he’s overwhelmed by guilt and trauma enough to leave the room.

in the end, it’s ends up being really healing, neil having a relationship with that little kitten. andrew tells him he found it on the road, alone, abandoned. it would have died if he hadn’t stopped to save it. it would’ve died if neil hadn’t let it stay. it’s like a second chance for him, to show the love he can have for such an animal, to try to get over the guilt of what he did, what he can’t take back.

[azurdlywisterious]

How would the atompunk trio react if the protags of their games were switched around. Like idk, put Chell in Rapture and the Courier(however you designed them) in Aperture and Jack in the New Vegas Strip. You can decide how the protags are swapped around though

oh ho ho you have no idea how long ive been planning the larger universe this au in my head is set in. so let's tune into the madness together, shall we?

(circutboard divider made by @violetbudd )

Mr. House meets Jack

Mr. House was not expecting a jumpy, uncoordinated young adult to stumble his way into the Lucky 38, but Victor has nothing but good things to say about the kid so he can't be bad. Jack follows order well, which is both a blessing and a curse Mr. House finds out, so he works out a way to get Victor to keep reminding Jack of what he needs to do and it's smooth sailing from there. Would consider working out a deal with the Followers of the Apocalypse to see what is up with Jack after the Hoover Dam battle.

Mr. House meets Chell

Mr. House gets along with Chell quite well. Chell is efficient and creative with completing missions. And she's willing to be paid in only information which cuts down on costs by a lot. He does find that gun of hers rather intriguing, which would turn into a whole cat and mouse of him trying to get the portal gun from her to examine and her not giving him the gun. Chaos ensues.

Cave Johnson meets the Courier

Cave Johnson wouldn't realize that the various people he keeps testing are all the same Courier. But hey, when you're dealing with an anomaly that keeps reincarnating lets you vivisect them, you tend not to ask too many questions (except for why do you keep coming back after you fall into the corrosive water). Certainly keeps the Courier around later on, hoping to figure what keeps them regenerating their body while keeping their memories intact (in his quest to live forever). Sadly, he doesn't figure it out in time. The Courier would then explore the Aperture labs until who knows when. Although thanks to the fact that they can sorta never die (sure their body dies but their memories dont think kinda like a timelord) then they would remember exactly who Caroline was when interacting with GLaDOS. Oh and the angst of finding all the old lab stuff and Cave Johnson's voice logs again at the Portal 2 timeline point of the game that would actually be heartbreaking.

Cave Johnson meets Jack

Cave Johnson loves Jack. Everyone loves Jack! Who wouldn't love Jack? Cave Johnson would be sure to let everyone know that no one gives Jack orders except for him and Caroline. Would treat Jack like the son he never had and also give him cocaine for his anxiety (for science). Would also want to vivisect Jack to figure out how he keeps lighting things like the mantis men on fire. Wasn't seriously considering making combustible lemons until he saw Jack could light things on fire and decided that the same principles could be applied to lemons too.

Andrew Ryan meets the Courier

Andrew Ryan actually gets to interact with only one Courier thanks to the Vita-Chambers. And as luck would have it, he gets to interact with Suzie Fromme (my favorite courier and the one I always think of when I think of couriers). And he would think Suzie is weird and unhinged and way too powerful but not in a cool way but in a way that scares him (you modded a Bethesda protag of course she breaks reality). But since she's an agent of chaos that only wants to help people he would strike a tentative deal with her to take Atlas down. She would agree for the low price of "a room in the prettiest building in Rapture" which according to her is in Fort Frolic(?) which with all the delirious denizens dropping like drones means that there probably is an open room. Did I mention Suzie has the Black Widow perk? Upon finding out how she got rid of Atlas, Andrew Ryan decides that she is not to be trifled with at all and can be Sander Cohen's problem until the city collapses.

Andrew Ryan meets Chell

Andrew Ryan would probably love and hate Chell. Love because she dispatches enemies with efficiency and doesn't listen to Atlas but also doesn't listen to him. Eventually determines that she just wants to go to the surface and leave forever and after doing a couple of missions for him, lets her. Doesn't like that she's playing all sides trying to find the fastest way to leave, but she just wants to always come put on top. Which she does. Would weaponize her bond with Tenenbaum in a last ditch attempt to get her to do what he wants.

[seasy33]

Fr the WIP Game could I have some “flash drive” please? <33

hi!!

so the "flash drive" fic is something i've been working on for a long time (over a year lol) and is sort of a collaboration with @mostlymaudlin !!

it's based off of a tumblr post (that i'm too lazy to find rn) about a person who worked at the university library and basically fucked with people's flash drives for the pure chaos of it or something -- and obviously as soon as i saw it, i knew i had to write an aftg fic about it

it includes: neil finding a VERY interesting flash drive while working at the computer lab at PSU and proceeding to make it everyone's (especially kevin's) problem. all the while neil and andrew play a little game of will-they-won't-they that maybe goes too far -- neil being a nuisance and never taking anything seriously may just bite him in the ass this time.

my favorite thing about this fic is how neil is his most unhinged self and almost apathetic to everything around him (except for andrew of course :)) it's been really fun to write, i just hit a wall with it and haven't been able to push through yet but i still have high hopes of finishing it soon!

here's a snippet:

Eden's is comfortably packed tonight. Loud music of an undefined genre pumps through the speakers, the dim lighting and smoky atmosphere making the room, with it's dark paneled walls and robust furniture, seem smaller than it is. Yet the large clumps of patrons remain spaced out enough to slip in through the cracks and disappear if one ever needed to. Being one of the only bars just off of campus makes crowds unavoidable, even on a weekday, but somehow Neil feels more comforted than trapped here.

Especially as, through the larger gaps in the crowd, Neil sees a familiar blonde head making its way over from the bar to their corner booth, accompanied by an assembly of drinks balanced on a tray.

Neil's heart does a one-two punch against his ribcage as Andrew slides the tray gracefully onto the table without spilling a drop, looking up through the fringe that's fallen over his eyes to meet Neil's gaze. Eden's moody lighting carves contrasting, mesmerizing geometric shadows out of Andrew's mouth, his sharp nose and blunt chin. He quirks an eyebrow at the grin spreading across Neil's face, then picks up one of the taller glasses between thumb and index finger and holds it out to him.

"Your slushie," he says with a not-insignificant amount of disdain.

Neil takes the slightly frosted glass, the thin layer of ice melting under his fingertips. He lifts the straw out of the glass, lips still quirked as he licks the sweet and tangy deep-red sludge from the plastic in one long swipe of his tongue. "It's a daiquiri," he says, slurping up a stray drop, "not a slushie. Didn't you used to work at a bar? At this specific bar, in fact?"

It might have been a trick of the light, but Neil could swear Andrew was just looking at his mouth — though Andrew's full focus is now seems to be on rearranging the other glasses on the tray in an unintelligible new order.

"Virgin. A daiquiri is a slushie with rum," he corrects, voice casual but hands twitching slightly as he moves a glass of amber liquid a half-inch to the left. "Yours does not have rum. Ergo, slushie."

thanks for asking <3

[mlobsters]

supernatural s11e17 red meat (w. robert berens, andrew dabb)

have a vague idea this episode is gonna be difficult to watch, didn't have the emotional fortitude to watch it last night

well, sam getting shot in the cold open sure would do it.

DEAN All right, well, we make a call and we put somebody on it. SAM Yeah, but... [He sighs, closes his laptop and looks at Dean]. We'll get him back. DEAN How? SAM I... I don't know. But we'll figure it out.

i feel like an asshole but i'm like, are we talking about cas? dunno what other dude he'd be distraught over. maybe it's my total lack of emotional connection with the character but i'm just very ???? literally whatever i'm expecting they're feeling about him, i'm always wrong. broken record on that.

s11e17 / s8e23

reminded of that little smile dean gave sam when he was wrapping his hand in the church. and it reminds me of being with my mom when she was dying in the hospital. we're gonna smile and be so positive and softer than we normally would, but also try to keep it light. (i'm not sure i have the emotional fortitude for this tonight either)

not quite sure i'll ever have it to watch sam die like this. this is awful. trying to talk myself into just finishing so i don't end up crying for an extended period of time today and another day.

BILLIE It's cute, though. You pretending you're trying to save Sam for the greater good, when we both know you're doing it for you. You can't lose him.

just saw this line in an edit recently and thought it was attributed to Death, no wonder i didn't remember it.

DEAN I'm asking you... I'm begging you, please. Bring him back. Bring him back and take me instead. BILLIE I'm not here to bargain with you, kid. I'm here to reap you. And the kicker is... Sam's not dead.

here's where i'm never happy with anything. despite the unhinged love and commitment of it all, this all is really veering into emotional torture porn for me. how can we make it the worst. and then a little worse on top of that. except instead of making me irritated, i'm just more sad and want it to be over. maybe this is one i won't be able to appreciate until i have some distance.

DEAN Michelle, this is gonna be very hard. But you will be okay. And, eventually... eventually you'll get back to normal. MICHELLE No, I won't. They said I could leave an hour ago. But... where am I even supposed to go? After everything we survived together... I watched the man I love die. There's no normal after that.

not sure what this pointed zoom into dean making the sad puppy face is about. we know he can't be normal when sam dies, he knows it too?? does he remember that year with lisa and ben? and now he has the threat of not only losing sam, that sam won't be waiting for him in heaven or anywhere else if he does die.

well, fortunately we have the production draft of the script linked in the wiki for this one so actually can get answer

so i mean.. ok. both watched their husbands die is what we're saying

DEAN So, that's it, huh? Two quarts O-neg, and you're good to go.

i thought we were treating abdominal gunshot wounds like the serious emergency they are but i guess not

SAM Hey, so, what did you do? When you thought I was dead? What did you do? DEAN Thought about redecorating your room [Sam chuckles], you know, putting in a Jacuzzi, a nice disco ball... really class up the joint. SAM Right, seriously. DEAN What, I, uh... I knew you weren't dead. SAM Right. DEAN I knew.

so i mean. sam not buying that, clearly. wonder if dean ever tells him

should remember to check for a script next time i have wonderings about what they're trying to convey with their faces (went to check if they had 11x11 because i was curious about that whole pining line, but wiki doesn't have one linked)

tonal shift after the like.. heavy focus on sam (mostly) dying very... graphic in swimming around in the pain and slow death and almost-murder of it all and then we're having dean kill himself (briefly) to try to take sam's place with no consideration of repercussions, to hey dude we saved (and tried to kill sam) is a werewolf and he changed and he's gonna punch through this cop's chest cavity in a pretty silly manner. so no moral quandary killing him either, look at that. weird. anyway, the woman who played michelle was really good in those emotional scenes

i'm wiped out.

[desruc]

Hey! Happy to hear youre enjoying aftg! I could slide you the pdf haha, but i understand if you prefer physical (since I own the physical copies myself xDD)

Hi! Oh yeah, I'm enjoying aftg much, much more than I anticipated :DD I went in it thinking "let's see how it is" and now I'm honestly feeling like Sakavic's style of writing is one of my favorites :'D I don't know what it is that clicks so well, it just feels so different than anything I've read before; it's so effortless but sharp at the same time. Not to be edgy or anything but my mind keeps going back to picturing serrated blades when I'm trying to think how to describe Sakavic's style :'D

And oh,,, the characters... Every character feels unique and I can easily imagine them in front of me; I feel like Sakavic doesn't even spend that much time describing them and I still get different vibes from each of them :D Neil and Andrew are (surprise, surprise) my faves and, regrettably, I found myself drawn to Riko too because I can't help loving sadistic bastards, but I'm also pretty fond of Dan and Matt and I truly wish their relationship will last through the last book, I want them to be happy :o

All that said, yeah, sure, there is room for criticism, too - in all fairness the story is quite unhinged and unrealistic and shit's fucked up - but seriously, I kind of feel like... this story is not meant to be taken too seriously? So all that is all right by me. However, sometimes I felt like I'm totally lost what the characters are talking about (English is not my native language though, so maybe that's the problem), sometimes the time skips forward a lot unexpectedly, and beacuse of that there are scenes with a lot of telling instead of showing - BUT the overall vibe of the first two books is super intriguing and yeah, simply put, so far I like All For the Game a lot!

Lastly, thanks for offering to slide the pdf my way! :'DDD But yep, you guessed it right, I prefer the physical copy - but if it starts to feel like an eternity waiting for it, I might come back to your offer (ˉ ▽ ˉ；)

[zombies-aliens]

There's this video about a guy named sneako. It's a short documentary style video like 30minutes. I used to really not care about what he must be going through internally because he genuinely seemed like the biggest egomaniac. And he actually is though. But the video shined a light on his younger self and how much better he was. So who is sneako sneako is a social media influencer who makes youtube videos and streams on rumble and he's a controversial figure like Andrew Tate (although I don't really understand the hate on andrew after watching interviews from him). Sneako is one of those guys who uses terms like alpha male/beta male and so maybe that says a lot about him already. He's part of the red pill community that talks about harsh truths of life, women, and social heirarchy to name a few. I personally used to be interested but it felt so toxic as if the point of it is to make me hate women. And the way they speak and present things is so harsh and overly blunt like absolutely insensitive. I think it's their overall attitudes that turn me off from that crowd. And I'm glad I did because again it felt toxic to listen to that all that crap. Even if some of it is true, which maybe some is, it's seems to have a negative impact on people who really immerse themselves in that world. It seems like only people with serious issues tend to be drawn to that crowd. It's really hard to find someone that's not so off putting in that community. Sneako is like unhinged he doesn't seem mentally well. Of course how can we not mention that he saw his girlfriend the woman he loves getting missionary'd in bed getting it on with his friend or whoever it was IN FRONT OF HIS EYESSSSS!!! DUDE!!!!! my guy is not okay bruh!!! Deep down everyone knows he has insecurity issues and he's handling it in the worst ways. He seriously has a fragile ego and just issues around ego.

I'm not here to bash him since everyone else is already going to be doing that probably until he changes his life around for the better or maybe if he gets off social media stays low key. But I really wanna wish this man well.

I really hope sneako gets serious help like therapy, maybe a doctor, find Jesus. All 3. Get with Christ. But some aren't into that but I still want him to get the help he needs. Christ definitely wouldn't hurt him like his current lifestyle choices is hurting him. Literally his biggest issue is his freaking ego.

But better believe I don't want to be around sneako because he scares me. Don't expect me to hug this man if I see him I'm not that guy lol

[tomwambscunts]

Pt. 2 - Ok but anyways, Celeste Yim is like my absolute favorite writer, I think so much of what they do is brilliant. Bowen Yang might be my favorite cast member ever, he’s got such a spark that feels kind of… glamorous? Also this might sound wishy washy but it does feel awesome watching 10 years later and seeing how much progress has been made in terms of diversity. Obviously there can always be progress made but seriously, we used to have Nasim Pedrad and Fred Armisen playing every POC under the sun and the nuance just wasn’t there. Now there not only are there are multiple POC and LGBTQ members on the cast but the writing staff is more diverse and imo that really shows. There are sketches that you can tell are queer or tapped into a specific culture (I’m Latina myself was just dyingggg over Pedro pascal’s protective mother sketch and the Spanish class sketch with Ana de armas and Karol G. May have claimed Marcello as my son, nbd lol). And Molly Kearney playing men and women characters in different sketches is so fucking rad.

Chloe Fineman reminds me of Abbey Elliott if Abbey Elliott took risks and I appreciate that even though she gets featured a lot play she can play the straight man really well so it doesn’t feel too over saturated (I think they made this mistake with Kristen Wiig and Kate McKinnon during their respective heydays).

I’m lowkey fascinated with PDD as writers vs performers (and as people in general tbh but that’s a whole other ball of wax lol). I think they write GREAT sketches and I also LOVE their digital shorts but I think both should be kept separate… I hope they don’t become cast members. I don’t think combining the two would work.

It’s also so funny to me to see who people fangirl over. I think Andrew Dismukes is super funny and I love his writing (Toyota dealership ruled) but I am lowkey shocked he has such a following lol. And I totally agree with you, Michael Longfellow needs to be an update host. He’s got fucking awesome deadpan delivery and a subtle sardonic mischievousness to him that combined with those good looks I could see him becoming a new niche heartthrob.

I completely agree with you on Chloe and PDD. I absolutely love the rookies, especially Michael and Marcello have been standouts for me. I’m LOVING Ego, Sarah and JAJ this season + Rosebud Baker as a writer. I’ve always loved Celeste and Bowen, like Celeste is such a solid writer and Bowen as a performer shines every sketch he’s in but I’m not really into their sketches this season. I usually like the stuff that are coming from this pairing but honestly not so much in s48.

The thing about Andrew, we love him so much because he’s like TLI, Tim Robinson, Kyle Mooney and Will Forte combined in one person. Completely unhinged. He has a writer’s brain and type of sense of humor that no one really has (which is I think why he can’t vibe with current writers). This season should’ve been his breakout season… and yet… remains incredibly underrated.

[shiningshenanigans]

Seriously though, I wish more people of tumblr knew about the Wingfeather Saga simply so they could appreciate how utterly unhinged it is with its wordplay. Imagine if Lord of the Rings had a child with a Dr. Seuss book: that my friend, is The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson.

The first time I read On The Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness, there were literally moments where I had to put the book down and stare off into space with a confused expression like I was looking into an imaginary camera on The Office, because what in the ever-loving heck did I just read. For example:

I also love that this delightful tradition of incoherent gibberish has translated into the animated series, because there are definitely moments of dialogue that make no sense and it’s hilarious. Favorite example is when Bunce is explaining the gameplan to the Zibzy team.

(that’s not even an error of the auto generated captions it’s LITERALLY what he says)

These books are ridiculous and they fill my heart with endless glee.

my favorite things about The Wingfeather Saga so far:

It was obviously written to be read aloud

If I read aloud any given sentence, it will sound like I'm having a stroke

[yearning-and-arson]

ur opinions r so real & so is your music taste . since i dont know what else to say obligatory blorbo infodump section here -an orange (real) :D

Omg thanks!! I have a hard time articulating words about my blorbos so I will some blorbo bingos but with characters of my choosing :) I’ll do Steve Harrington (the blorbo ever) and another Nancy Wheeler because I love her so so much, and then my two favorite Riverdale characters because they’ve been on my mind 24/7 and I gotta rant about them, this post is rather long :D

Steve Harrington (THE blorbo):

He’s just simply the guy ever, silly dude with the most gender, he’s my babygirl, girlfriend material, they get all the bitches, she should be allowed to wear a skirt, need I say more? (Sadly no bingo for Steve)

Nancy Wheeler (I love her I love her I love her I love her I lo-):

Got a bingo for Nance! *pats her head* this girl can hold so much angst, she has the brain cell, she should be allowed to go insane, someone (Robin) save her from that awful love triangle, she deserves the world, i want to put her in a blender and watch her bounce around in there, I simply don’t understand how people hate her, like I respect their opinions but they’re just wrong

Now onto my Riverdale blorbos, this show is insanely unhinged but I simply can’t get enough, and for the love of god I wish they would stop traumatizing my beloveds (also I’m going to school in Jughead cosplay today because he’s simply so gender even though I do not care for him as a character)

Archie Andrews (my son):

He is but a boy, he’s a golden retriever, he’s an absolute idiot, like so incredibly stupid and unhealthily selfless (Archie son listen to me Hiram murdering all those people IS NOT YOUR FAULT), he needs sooooo much therapy, he needs to stop finding every excuse to take his shirt off (sir your father was just shot please put your tits away), i wish his relationship with Veronica was more than just them having a short conversation then fucking (it’s seriously so annoying I have to skip through so many sex scenes, they could be so cute but they don’t do anything except for that and it pisses me off), I love him <3, He simply doesn’t know how to human, he’s trying his best, I want to hug him so fucking badly, got a bingo for my boy

Betty Cooper (the love of my life):

GET THIS GIRL SOME FUCKING THERAPY!!! REAL THERAPY NOT JUST REFILLING HER ADDERAL! This bitch is so fucked up it’s not even funny, her dad’s a serial killer, she got sent to a corrupt nunnery and drugged, all of her tuition money was given to the cult her fucking mom’s in, she is held to wayyyy too high of expectations and definitely has body issues, internalized homophobia and heteronormativity has this girl in such a tight grip (she’s lesbian and asexual), like the whole first episode of the show is her forcing herself to be in love with Archie and then she has her sexual awakening via Veronica Lodge (don’t even get me started on how gay those two are for each other), I really wish her and Jughead were just besties because I simply do not like them romantically (they are mlm/wlw solidarity and in a qpr), she is on my mind always, I really just want to hug her like she is so fucked up, I am so incredibly gay for her like I would not mind if she held a stake to my throat and threatened to murder me, her in the midnights club episode of season three is like one of the hottest things I’ve ever seen she is just so pretty

Alright that’s the end of my rant, I’m sure there’s some more thoughts up in my brain, but this is it for now! I noticed that my blorbos from both these shows are a bisexual himbo and a badass traumatized asexual lesbian who date at some point in the show but I don’t like them together. Interesting.

[purpleshadow-star]

Contrary to popular belief I think Andrew has the "technically you can't prove that I can die until I do die; I am immortal until proven mortal" mentality rather than Neil. Because Neil was on the run doing everything in his power to make sure he didn't die, then he went through the whole book series thinking he would die at the end, while Andrew is literally just some guy who decided he could take on the literal yakuza like...

[klovenhooves]

Karate Kid/Cobra Kai survey

I got tagged by a couple of people (thank you so much!) and then promptly forgot about doing this so here I am, late as usual!

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?:  Do not kill the cringe, kill the part of you that cringes. Also I think there’s so many lovely things about The Karate Kid and Cobra Kai that aren’t very cringe - the cringe is just the extra spice that makes it fun. 

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?:  I didn’t watch a lot of movies as a kid that weren’t Disney or Land Before Time, if I’m honest, so I didn’t watch Karate Kid until about five or six years ago. I only watched Part Three about a year ago because everyone told me not to watch it because Mr. Miyagi cries. 

It was a very upsetting day. 

We gotta do the basics. Favorite character:  Daniel, but also Johnny, Kumiko, Amanda, Jessica...

Favorite ship:  Lawrusso for sure, though I do love Johnny/Daniel/Amanda and Daniel/Kumiko.

Underrated character: There’s a lot of ways to take this so, bear with me. Underrated in the traditional sense - Aisha, Moon. Underrated in that they get a lot of hate for no reason - Robby, Shannon, Sam. Underrated in that the writers don’t see the reason to develop them much - Anthony, Amanda, Kumiko, Ali. 

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol):  Okay okay okay SO: 

Daniel/Johnny/Amanda - not so much underrated anymore, but I think the vibes are impeccable, they’d be a great support system, and um....sexy. 

Amanda/Shannon - Not often touched on, but Shannon needs love and support. 

Daniel/Jimmy - I’m obsessed with the chatty/quiet one trope right now okay. 

Aisha/Tory - this is what should have happened yes I will die on that hill. 

Robby/Moon - I wrote them in Imbalance of Nature before I saw them in any other fic (@lawrussorights has also written them BEAUTIFULLY) but they would be so good for each other I love it. 

Amanda/Jessica - would kill to see it. 

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?:  Wax on, Wax off, because I’ve actually done it in real life.

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favorite?:  That red shirt open over the black tank with the hachimaki? Whew. The blue prom tux? Amazing. The orange coat from KK3? Perfect. His formal red outfit from the end of KK2? Amazing. The blue bomber jacket? ICONIC.

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver: Jessica Andrews!!!! Though I would like to see more of the OG Cobras.

Scene that lives in your head rent-free: from Cobra Kai? Daniel seeing Kreese again for the first time standing next to Johnny and the hurt, betrayal, trauma all over his face. From the movies? Daniel sitting beside Mr. Miyagi after his father dies and making the conscious choice to relive his own father’s death to make his mentor feel some comfort.

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?:  Will he ever join Cobra Kai and learn karate from Johnny? Because...I’m waiting.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?:  Eagle Fang. There’s a DILF to thirst over and I don’t have to die doing yard work. I can die in a junkyard or in a cement mixer instead!

What’s your training montage song?:  Eye for an Eye by Soulfly

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?:

If I want it to be taken seriously: Sex Education - GET SOME THERAPY

If I want it to be absolutely unhinged: Riverdale. Please let me see the karate gangs reacting to shit like Jingle Jangle and bear attacks and Gryphons and Gargoyles pLEASE.

Tagging: Everyone who wants to participate! 

[welllpthisishappening]

Welllp These Are Books: the March 2021 Edition

There aren’t even any pictures! Except in that one book where there were pictures! It was weird! This was a weird book month! Back at it again with thoughts and opinions about a whole mess of books that no one explicitly asked for, but I’ve got lots of thoughts and opinions and they only count if I share them on the internet. Seriously, someone let me go to a baseball game soon. Obligatory warning for spoilers and vaguely unhinged rants under the cut. As always, feel free to come tell me what else I should be reading at literally any time ever.

Best Book of the Month Honors Goes to This Book, Even Though They Called It Halftime at a Hockey Game. A Hockey Game!

The Dating Plan by Sara Desai

Daisy Patel is a software engineer who understands lists and logic better than bosses and boyfriends. With her life all planned out, and no interest in love, the one thing she can't give her family is the marriage they expect. Left with few options, she asks her childhood crush to be her decoy fiancé. Liam Murphy is a venture capitalist with something to prove. When he learns that his inheritance is contingent on being married, he realizes his best friend's little sister has the perfect solution to his problem. A marriage of convenience will get Daisy's matchmaking relatives off her back and fulfill the terms of his late grandfather's will. If only he hadn’t broken her tender teenage heart nine years ago… Sparks fly when Daisy and Liam go on a series of dates to legitimize their fake relationship. Too late, they realize that very little is convenient about their arrangement. History and chemistry aren't about to follow the rules of this engagement.

— Ok, it’s important to know that I really did love this book. It hit all my trope-wants. Childhood friends, incredibly stupid misunderstandings, pining, seriously God the pining, fake engagement, BANTER. It was all going great. I was occasionally swooning. They kept making out! And then! THEN. They went to a hockey game. On a date. A fake date. Cool, cool, cool. All tropes, all the time right? Not so fast, internet! Because these self-proclaimed Sharks SUPER FANS referred to intermission as “halftime was coming up.” Halftime! At a hockey game! That’s—that’s not how hockey works! If this hadn’t been “traditionally” published, I probably could have let it slide. But that was not the case. This was a “real” book with, I can only assume, real editors. All of whom saw the words halftime and hockey near each other and we’re like YEAH, PRINT THAT SHIT. I read that at nearly one in the morning and seriously considered waking Justin up to be like CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS IN A REAL BOOK? Anyway, it was still real cute. Everyone lived happily ever after. It made want to eat samosas.

This Book Had Pictures, It Was Weird

Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews

On the outside, Dina Demille is the epitome of normal. She runs a quaint Victorian Bed and Breakfast in a small Texas town, owns a Shih Tzu named Beast, and is a perfect neighbor, whose biggest problem should be what to serve her guests for breakfast. But Dina is...different:  Her broom is a deadly weapon; her Inn is magic and thinks for itself. Meant to be a lodging for otherworldly visitors, the only permanent guest is a retired Galactic aristocrat who can’t leave the grounds because she’s responsible for the deaths of millions and someone might shoot her on sight. Under the circumstances, "normal" is a bit of a stretch for Dina.

And now, something with wicked claws and deepwater teeth has begun to hunt at night...Feeling responsible for her neighbors, Dina decides to get involved. Before long, she has to juggle dealing with the annoyingly attractive, ex-military, new neighbor, Sean Evans—an alpha-strain werewolf—and the equally arresting cosmic vampire soldier, Arland, while trying to keep her inn and its guests safe. But the enemy she’s facing is unlike anything she’s ever encountered before. It’s smart, vicious, and lethal, and putting herself between this creature and her neighbors might just cost her everything.

— So, Ilona Andrews is a name that keeps coming up because when I borrow a book from the library I have to go through Kindle and Amazon is like...here are some other absurd fantasy romances you’d enjoy. Also, one of her other series had been recc’ed to me. Only problem? The first book in that series is the only book in that series not available at my library. So, I was like, ok, I’ll start this one instead. It was...weird. Honestly, it felt like I’d been dropped in the middle of the story and the narrator was like, well why don’t you already know what’s going on? In theory the world building was cool. (I was not expecting alien werewolves, lemme tell you that!) But also it all felt very rushed and the end just sorta happened.

In Which I Continue to Love “Same Verse” Books & No One Else Had Sex in the Port Jeff High School Dugout. For Which I Was Grateful

Love Her or Lose Her by Tessa Bailey

Rosie and Dominic Vega are the perfect couple: high school sweethearts, best friends, madly in love. Well, they used to be anyway. Now Rosie’s lucky to get a caveman grunt from the ex-soldier every time she walks in the door. Dom is faithful and a great provider, but the man she fell in love with ten years ago is nowhere to be found. When her girlfriends encourage Rosie to demand more out of life and pursue her dream of opening a restaurant, she decides to demand more out of love, too. Three words: marriage boot camp.

Never in a million years did Rosie believe her stoic, too-manly-to-emote husband would actually agree to relationship rehab with a weed-smoking hippie. Dom talking about feelings? Sitting on pillows? Communing with nature? Learning love languages? Nope. But to her surprise, he’s all in, and it forces her to admit her own role in their cracked foundation. As they complete one ridiculous—yet surprisingly helpful—assignment after another, their remodeled relationship gets stronger than ever. Except just as they’re getting back on track, Rosie discovers Dom has a secret... and it could demolish everything.

— Listen, one of my absolutely favorite tropes that I do not think gets enough love in the world is COMMITTED LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. And, like, ok, sure the premise of this was that they were separating in that long-lasting relationship. But no one really believed that, did they? Rosie and Dominic were real cute and their banter was good and I wasn’t totally skeeved out when they literally fucked on the kitchen floor. So, I think that’s saying something. Also, also! I seriously appreciated the realism of this book because no one on Long Island would ever call Manhattan Manhattan. It’s the city. Every other borough gets a name, but Manhattan is just the city and I nearly cheered when they said that. But also, no one’s taking a cab from Port Jeff to the Meatpacking District. You know what that would cost? God.

Tools of Engagement by Tessa Bailey

Hair, makeup, clothing, decor... everything in Bethany Castle's world is organized, planned, and styled to perfection. Which is why the homes she designs for her family's real estate business are the most coveted in town. The only thing not perfect? Her track record with men. She's on a dating hiatus and after helping her friends achieve their dreams, Bethany finally has time to focus on her own: flip a house, from framework to furnishings, all by herself. Except her older brother runs the company and refuses to take her seriously.

When a television producer gets wind of the Castle sibling rivalry, they’re invited on Flip Off, a competition to see who can do the best renovation. Bethany wants bragging rights, but she needs a crew and the only member of her brother's construction team willing to jump ship is Wes Daniels, the new guy in town. His Texas drawl and handsome face got under Bethany's skin on day one, and the last thing she needs is some cocky young cowboy in her way.

As the race to renovate heats up, Wes and Bethany are forced into close quarters, trading barbs and biting banter as they remodel the ugliest house on the block. It's a labor of love, hate, and everything in between, and soon sparks are flying. But Bethany's perfectly structured life is one kiss away from going up in smoke and she knows falling for a guy like Wes would be a flipping disaster.

— It should first be noted that in the three books of this series, I could not and cannot understand why Bethany’s brother was such a monumental dick. He was just...he was a dick. His marriage was awful. How long was his wife pregnant without him knowing???? I digress. This continued to be cute, Bethany was a legit heroine as far as those rom-com things go, Wes was very Texas and that got a little over the top, but they had sex in a bed like normal people so that helped. Oh, except that one time on the construction site. Whatever, this book was cute. This whole series was cute, really, and I was a big fan of the happy little wrap-everything-up with a bow ending.

Romance That Happens In Point Two Seconds Is...Unbelievable

Too Hot to Handle by Tessa Bailey

The road trip was definitely a bad idea. Having already flambéed her culinary career beyond recognition, Rita Clarkson is now stranded in God-Knows-Where, New Mexico, with a busted-ass car and her three temperamental siblings, who she hasn't seen in years. When rescue shows up---six-feet-plus of hot, charming sex on a motorcycle---Rita's pretty certain she's gone from the frying pan right into the fire . . . Jasper Ellis has a bad boy reputation in this town, and he loathes it. The moment he sees Rita, though, Jasper knows he's about to be sorely tempted. There's something real between them. Something raw. And Jasper has only a few days to show Rita that he isn't just for tonight---he's forever.

— For as much as I loved the Port Jeff series by my new pal Tessa, this one was...oof. Too much, guys. Too much. Fucking in trucks. Fucking in back offices. The whole book lasted, like, three days. And keep in mind this is coming from someone who has written like two million words about Killian Jones, self-loathing champ 250 years running, but Jasper’s self-loathing was a little over the top. Like, let’s not objectify dudes, but also...I don’t know guys. Maybe the other books in the series are better? I was mostly just annoyed by Rita.

What the Hell Happened at the End of This Book?? Seriously, I Have No Idea

The Queen’s Assassin by Melissa de la Cruz

Caledon Holt is the kingdom's deadliest weapon. No one alive can best him in speed, strength, or brains, which is why he's the Hearthstone Guild's most dangerous member. Cal is also the Queen's Assassin, bound to her by magic and unable to leave her service until the task she's set for him is fulfilled. Shadow of the Honey Glade has been training all her life to join the Guild, hoping that one day she'll become an assassin as feared and revered as Cal. But Shadow's mother and aunts expect her to serve the crown as a lady of the Renovian Court. When a surprise attack brings Shadow and Cal together, they're forced to team up as assassin and apprentice. Even though Shadow's life belongs to the court and Cal's belongs to the queen, they cannot deny their attraction to each other. But now, with war on the horizon and true love at risk, Shadow and Cal will uncover a shocking web of lies that will change their paths forever.

—WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AT THE END OF THIS BOOK??? I figured out the so-called twist like...two chapters in. Fine, ok, whatever. It’s YA, this is not rocket science and I was interested enough in Cale and Shadow to see how it all played out. Only it didn’t really play out! Because the whole end was just this like four chapter retcon of basically EVERYTHING ELSE THAT HAPPENED and I genuinely could not believe it was happening. It didn’t make sense?!? Like with the plot? Also, spoiler, good thing Shadow and the other king haven’t consummated their marriage yet since she and Cale totally fucked after her wedding? What is YA? Why is Amazon telling me this is a Teacher’s Pick? Why hasn’t my hold come through on the sequel yet so I know what happens next?

Low-Stakes Romance Was Real Boring and All The People Were Boring In It

The Ten Rules for Faking It by Sophie Sullivan

As birthdays go, this year’s for radio producer Everly Dean hit rock-bottom. Worse than the “tonsillectomy birthday.” Worse than the birthday her parents decided to split (the first time). But catching your boyfriend cheating on you with his assistant? Even clichés sting. But this is Everly’s year! She won’t let her anxiety hold her back. She’ll pitch her podcast idea to her boss. There’s just one problem. Her boss, Chris, is very cute. (Of course). Also, he's extremely distant (which means he hates her, right? Or is that the anxiety talking)? And, Stacey the DJ didn’t mute the mic during Everly’s rant about Simon the Snake (syn: Cheating Ex). That’s three problems. Suddenly, people are lining up to date her, Bachelorette-style, fans are voting (Reminder: never leave house again), and her interest in Chris might be a two-way street. It’s a lot for a woman who could gold medal in people-avoidance. She’s going to have to fake it ‘till she makes it to get through all of this. Perhaps she’ll make a list: The Ten Rules for Faking It. 

— I am a broken record. Shouting. From the highest hilltop. Just because you think someone is cute when you’re technically not supposed to be dating them does not mean you get to be anything less than nice around them! It’s not cute! And part two, which often goes with part one: rom com dudes have GOT to stop lying or hiding or otherwise avoiding telling people who they really are. It’s a convoluted, passably lazy way of writing and dropping a third-act bomb on the story. Don’t do it. Stop doing it. We’ve moved past the need for hidden identities. Unless he’s, like, a spy or something. Um...this was a weird book. I know Everly had anxiety and that became a PLOT POINT, patent pending, but she was also not super relatable? Which is crazy considering my very real, rather undiagnosed anxiety. Chris was boring. The whole plot, as this title suggests, was very low stakes and no one actually  seemed to remember that their jobs were ever on the line? Did Everly and Chris have a conversation before they decided they liked each other? Who can say, really.

Shipped by Angie Hockman

Between taking night classes for her MBA and her demanding day job at a cruise line, marketing manager Henley Evans barely has time for herself, let alone family, friends, or dating. But when she’s shortlisted for the promotion of her dreams, all her sacrifices finally seem worth it. The only problem? Graeme Crawford-Collins, the remote social media manager and the bane of her existence, is also up for the position. Although they’ve never met in person, their epic email battles are the stuff of office legend. Their boss tasks each of them with drafting a proposal on how to boost bookings in the Galápagos—best proposal wins the promotion. There’s just one catch: they have to go on a company cruise to the Galápagos Islands...together. But when the two meet on the ship, Henley is shocked to discover that the real Graeme is nothing like she imagined. As they explore the Islands together, she soon finds the line between loathing and liking thinner than a postcard. With her career dreams in her sights and a growing attraction to the competition, Henley begins questioning her life choices. Because what’s the point of working all the time if you never actually live?

— YOU NEED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE TO DECIDE YOU LIKE THEM. AUTHORS REALLY REALLY NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BUILD ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS. IF THEY ONLY LIKE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THEY KISS WELL IT’S NOT A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. AND THIS IS COMING FROM ME. Back at it again with the annoying so-called heroine who was just...occasionally real mean to Graem for no reason at all? Also her name was Henley. Which is not a great reason to dislike her, but here we are.

Apparently I Read These Books Out Of Order. Who Knew?

Pride, Prejudice and Other Flavors by Sonali Dev

It is a truth universally acknowledged that only in an overachieving Indian American family can a genius daughter be considered a black sheep.

Dr. Trisha Raje is San Francisco’s most acclaimed neurosurgeon. But that’s not enough for the Rajes, her influential immigrant family who’s achieved power by making its own non-negotiable rules:

·       Never trust an outsider

·       Never do anything to jeopardize your brother’s political aspirations

·       And never, ever, defy your family

Trisha is guilty of breaking all three rules. But now she has a chance to redeem herself. So long as she doesn’t repeat old mistakes.

Up-and-coming chef DJ Caine has known people like Trisha before, people who judge him by his rough beginnings and place pedigree above character. He needs the lucrative job the Rajes offer, but he values his pride too much to indulge Trisha’s arrogance. And then he discovers that she’s the only surgeon who can save his sister’s life.

As the two clash, their assumptions crumble like the spun sugar on one of DJ’s stunning desserts. But before a future can be savored there’s a past to be reckoned with...

A family trying to build home in a new land.

A man who has never felt at home anywhere.

And a choice to be made between the two.

— Surprise, apparently this was the first book in the series. I did not know. It didn’t affect my enjoyment of the Persuasion version in this same ‘verse, which is also strange because I liked the Persuasion one way better. There was a lot of medical in this. And not super uplifting medical, either. This was like...oh the Jane character (I guess???) has cancer and either she’s going to go blind after having a surgery (also she was an artist, so you see how this was a problem) or she’s just going to decide to die. Wait, what? That came out of left field, really. Also DJ and Trisha were not nice to each other. Like, I know this is Pride and Prejudice so there has to be some of that at the start, but it wasn’t like Trisha ever really went through the Darcy-required time at Pemberly. She just decided she liked DJ and told him and it was as awkward as Jane Austen intended it, but then we got more medical and everything was cool. It felt very rushed and shoehorned into a modern setting and the Persuasion one was better. You can’t have Darcy’s growth without the Pemberly stuff. You just can’t.

In Which I Didn’t Like a Nickname??? Is the World Ending??

Crazy Stupid Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams

Alexis Carlisle and her cat café, ToeBeans, have shot to fame after she came forward as a victim of a celebrity chef’s sexual harassment. When a new customer approaches to confide in her, the last thing Alexis expects is for the woman to claim they’re sisters. Unsure what to do, Alexis turns to the only man she trusts—her best friend, Noah Logan.   Computer genius Noah left his rebellious teenage hacker past behind to become a computer security expert. Now he only uses his old skills for the right cause. But Noah’s got a secret: He’s madly in love with Alexis. When she asks for his help, he wonders if the timing will ever be right to confess his crush.   Noah’s pals in The Bromance Book Club are more than willing to share their beloved “manuals” to help him go from bud to boyfriend. But he must decide if telling the truth is worth risking the best friendship he’s ever had.

— If Noah was going to call her Lexa, then her name should have been Alexa and not Alexis. That’s it and that’s all. Also, the story was n u t s. Estranged dads and kidney failure and they got together so fast in this book. Which usually is cool by me, but I really could not get over the nickname and the estranged family was mean to Alexis. Lexa. HER NAME SHOULD HAVE BEEN ALEXA, IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Also Noah was a former hacker? The estranged family accused him corporate espionage or something? A lot happened in this book, guys. Her name should have been Alexa.

Dumb Brother Was Dumb™ Everyone Else Was Real Cute

The Off Limits Rule by Sarah Adams

I have found rock bottom. It's here, moving in with my older brother because I'm too broke to afford to live on my own. It's okay though, because we've always been close and I think I'm going to have fun living with him again.

 That is until I meet Cooper...

 Turns out, my brother has very strong opinions on the idea of me dating his best friend and is dead set against it. According to him, Cooper is everything I should stay away from: flirtatious, adventurous, non-committal, and freaking hot. (I added that last part because I feel like you need the whole picture.) My brother is right--I should stay away from Cooper James and his pretty blue eyes. He's the opposite of what I need right now.

 Nah--who am I kidding? I'm going for it.

— This was cute, mostly mindless fluff. Hit some trope high points, including, obviously, best friends sister. Only the brother in question was a Neanderthal and I really thought people were going to make out more while said brother was on his business trip. I got it for free off Amazon. Which I think should explain a lot. Like, story-wise. Sorry, free Amazon books. Don’t be insulted.

Prose, Prose, Prose, Please Someone Have a Conversation

Trick by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Spring, Poet is renowned. He's young and pretty, a lover of men and women. He performs for the court, kisses like a scoundrel, and mocks with a silver tongue. Yet allow him this: It's only the most cunning and manipulative soul who can play the fool. For beyond the castle walls, Poet guards a secret. One the Crown would shackle him for. One that he'll risk everything to protect. Alas, it will take more than clever words to deceive Princess Briar. Convinced that he's juggling lies as well as verse, this righteous nuisance of a girl is determined to expose him. But not all falsehoods are fiendish. Poet's secret is delicate, binding the jester and princess in an unlikely alliance—and kindling a breathless attraction, as alluring as it is forbidden.

— The purplest of prose. Mauve prose. Royal purple prose. Lavender prose. There was so much writing here. So much. Too much, some might say. I say. Actually. If we want to get specific. And that was a shame, really, because when Briar and Poet actually had a conversation, they were interesting to read about. Also, the world building here? Yeeeesh. The so-called, wait for it, FOOL TRADE played a prominent role and that was...super cringe. Super Cringe. That being said, I asked Justin what I should read next and he thought it was funny that a book was just called...

Dare by Natalia Jaster

In the Kingdom of Summer, they say she's wild. Locked in a cage by the sea, Flare dreams of escape. She dreams of a lost world, known only in legends. The island is calling to her. And she won't let anyone keep her from it. Especially not him. They say he's cruel. Jeryn has crossed the ocean for the Trade, to bargain for those fierce, imprisoned creatures that make his skin crawl. By law, they're subjects meant for experimentation. And easy to despise. One girl in particular. But on the cusp of transport, the tide rages. That hidden island awaits. Stranded, the prince and prisoner must fight to survive. In a mysterious rainforest, they must band together...if they don't slay one another first. Or become something more to each other.  Something just as dangerous.

— This was Justin’s fault. He could not believe this book was just called Dare. It should have been called “We’re going to weirdly force what is basically slavery into this story and then a prince is going to fall in love with an escaped slave and we’re also going to call that ROMANCE.” y i k e s. Remember that one story that took place over three days? This was the complete opposite. Years! They were shipwrecked for years! They got saved, spoilers, the DAY they started having sex. What are the odds, right?? And then MORE YEARS passed. Multiple years! Five years! They couldn’t actually be together because of that aforementioned slave trade. What the shit, man? Natalia, ya gotta be kidding me with this. The internet claimed Trick was good and a solid follow to reading ACOTAR and that there was this whole verse and it was also good. The internet was wrong.

Nothing Happened, Everything Happened, I...Hated It

Graceling by Kristin Cashore

Kristin Cashore’s bestselling, award-winning fantasy Graceling tells the story of the vulnerable-yet-strong Katsa, a smart, beautiful teenager who lives in a world where selected people are given a Grace, a special talent that can be anything from dancing to swimming. Katsa’s is killing. As the king’s niece, she is forced to use her extreme skills as his thug. Along the way, Katsa must learn to decipher the true nature of her Grace… and how to put it to good use. A thrilling, action-packed fantasy adventure (and steamy romance!) that will resonate deeply with adolescents trying to find their way in the world.

— I can’t believe this was a book. Katsa was so annoying! Like, listen, I know her life was sad. And she was a pawn being used against her will. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. The tone of the whole book was so strangely formal and Poe was strangely in love with Katsa? Who obviously didn’t want to get married because she was WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR. Or kill people, as the case may be. Only she wanted to make out with Poe? Only ONLY they didn’t even really get together at the end? I could not believe the end of this book. I nearly threw my Kindle across the room. Once again, no apologies for spoilers because do not read this book, but HE WAS BLIND? Katsa had to leave him behind to save his cousin and he just ENDED UP BEING BLIND? AND THEY NEVER GOT TOGETHER REALLY?? What the fuck? Seriously. Steamy romance, my ass. Nothing happened. The villain got defeated in point two seconds. There are other books in this universe? No, thanks.

[whitehotharlots]

Previewing the 2024 Democrat Primary

Within a couple weeks of his being sworn in, just about every person on earth will wish Joe Biden was no longer president. Sure, the few surviving John B. Anderson voters will be thrilled to see 4 years of crushing austerity and half-assed attempts at Keynesian stimulus. But most people will begin dreaming about a brighter future.

Good news! The 2024 Democratic primary field is going to contain dozens of options. Bad news! They are all going to be disgusting piles of shit. 

The “top tier”

While it’s too early to do any handicapping, these are the candidates the media will treat as having the most realistic chances of securing the nomination. 

Kamala Harris

Kamala did not win a single primary delegate in 2020. This is because she dropped out before the first primary, and that was because no one likes her. She has no base beyond a few thousand of twitter’s most violent psychos. Her disingenuousness approaches John Edwards levels: any halfway incredulous person can see immediately beyond her bullshit. She has no principles whatsoever, and while that may be par for the course for Democrats, she lacks even the basic politician’s ability to intuit anything that might, hypothetically, constitute a principle. 

Even better: she is an awful public speaker. She sounds like how a talking dog would speak if he were just caught stealing people food off the kitchen table. She communicates in weird grunts and faux sassy squeaks, which is how she imagines real black women sound like, but something about her is unable to sell the bit. She begins her sentences in halfhearted AAVE, stops and panics halfway through as she realizes that maybe this sounds fake and offensive, and then reminds herself oh wait, no, this is okay since I’m black. This doesn’t happen once or twice per speech. This is how every single sentence sounds. 

Kamala is like Nancy Pelosi in that no sketch show will ever impersonate her correctly, because anything that came close to authenticity would be considered far too cruel. This might benefit her in the primaries, as she exists in the minds of Democrats as someone and something she absolutely is not in reality. Nominating her would be like allowing your child’s imaginary friend to attempt to drive you to the store. 

Andrew Cuomo

Easily one of the 50 worst people alive, Cuomo has a solid chance because Democrats, same as Republicans, are unable to differentiate between electability and self-serving ruthlessness. Cuomo used the deadliest public health crisis in American history as a pretext for cutting Medicaid and firing 5,000 MTA workers, and his approval rating increased. New York Dems are little piggies who love eating shit. If we assume that the political media will continue their habit of refusing to discuss the legislative history of right wing Democrats, Cuomo might well cruise to the nomination and then lose to literally any human being the GOP nominates by an historic margin. 

Joe Biden

The party loves him because he is a right wing racist. “Progressives” tolerate him because black primary voters over 40 supported him, and their opinion is supposedly a magic window into god’s truth. Everyone else can tell he is manifestly senile. I don’t put it above the DNC to pick a candidate who is in horrible health, dying, or even dead--whatever the financial sector wants, they’ll get. But I would be shocked if his approval rating is above 39% by mid-2023, and by that point deep fake technology will be advanced enough they’ll put out a very lifelike video in which the Max Headroom version of Joe explains he’s proud of his accomplishments--that budget’s almost balanced already--but, man, I gotta abd--I gotta abdica--, uhh, I gotta, I, uhh, I gotta move down, man. 

Wild Cards

These candidates would have all have a chance if they ran, but they could all much more easily retire to Little Saint James off of kickbacks they’ve gotten from Citibank and I.G. Farben. 

Rahm Emanuel

Rahm is going to receive some hugely influential post in the Biden administration. Let’s say he becomes Secretary of Education. His signature achievement will be replacing all elementary school teachers with Amazon’s Alexa, which saved the taxpayers so much money we were able to quadruple the number of armed police officers we put into high schools. This will give him several thousand positive profiles on network news programs and the near-universal support of the Silicon Valley vampires who will own 99% of the country by the time Biden’s term ends. They will use their fancy mind control devices to convince geriatic primary voters that Rahm’s the one who will bring Decency back to the white house. His candidacy will be the paragon of wokeness, as expressing concern toward the fact that he covered up the police murder of a black guy will get you called a racist. 

Rahm has a bonus in that Jewish men are now Schrodeniger’s PoC. When they are decent human beings, they are basic, cis white men who are stealing attention from disabled trans candidates of color. When they love austerity and apartheid, they become the most vulnerable people of color on earth and criticizing them in any way is genocide. No one will be able to mention a single thing Rahm has ever done or said without opening themselves to accusations of antisemitism, and that gives him a strong edge against the rest of the field. The good news is that an Emmanuel candidacy would result in over 50% of black voters choosing the GOP candidate--which, I guess that’s not really good but it would certainly be funny. 

Gavin Newsom

Newsom is every bit as feckless as Cuomo, but he doesn’t put off the same “bad guy in an early Steven Segal movie” vibes. He will mention climate change 50 times per speech and no one will bother to mention how he keeps signing fracking contracts even though his state is now on fire 11 months of the year. If anything, this will be spun into an argument about how he’s actually the candidate best suited to handle all the water refugees gathering on the southern border. Look for his plan to curb emissions by 10% by the year 2150 to get high marks from Sierra Club nerds. He’s also a celebate librarian’s idea of what constitutes a handsome man, so he’ll have some support from the type of women who claim to hate all men. 

Larry Summers

I mean, why not? Larry, like most members of the Obama administration, has politics that are eerily similar to those of Jordan Peterson. In normal circumstances, this makes a person a dangerous fascist who should not be platformed. But if that person has a D next to their name this makes them a realistic pragmatist who has what it takes to bring suburban bankers into our tent. If current trends in Woke Phrenology continue apace, Larry’s belief that women are inherently bad at STEM will be liberal orthodoxy by 2023, and his dedication to the Laffer Curve could see him rake in massive donations. Seriously, I’m not kidding: cultural liberalism is now fully dedicated to identity essentialism and balanced budgets. Larry is their ideal candidate. If he were black and/or a woman, I’d put him in the very top tier. 

Jay Inslee

Unlike Newsom, Inslee’s attempt to crown himself the King of Global Warming won’t be immediately derailed, since his state is only on fire because of protestors. This, however, poses a different problem. He’s going to be a good test case for the Democrat’s uneasy peace with the ever increasing share of the electorate who become catatonic upon hearing a pronoun. On the one hand, you need to take their votes for granted. On the other hand, they’re not like black people or regular gays: most voters actively, consciously despise wokies, and associating yourself with them will ruin a campaign even in deep blue areas. There’s still gonna be riots in a year. Biden’s gonna announce the sale of all our nation’s potable water to the good folks at Nestle and some trans freak named Sasha-Malia DeBalzac is going to use that as an opportunity to sell their new pamphlet about how it’s fascist to not burn down small businesses. No matter what Inslee does in response, it’ll end his career. 

AOC

I’m not one of those “AOC is a secret conservative” weirdos, but I am aware enough of basic reality to know she has zero chance of coming close to the nomination. The right and the center both regard her as a literal demon. The party is already blaming her for the fact that a handful of faceless Reagan acolytes failed to flip their suburban districts even though they ran on sensible pragmatic proposals like euthanizing the homeless. The recriminations will only get more unhinged when the Dems eat shit in the 2022 midterms. She will be a Russian, she will be white male, she will be a communist, she will be a homophobe: any insult or conspiracy theory you can name, MSNBC will spend hours discussing. Her house seat challenger will receive a record amount of support from the DNC in 2024 and it’ll be all she can do to remain in congress.

Larry Hogan

Don’t be dissuaded by the fact that he’s a Republican. Larry is the DNC’s ideal candidate: a physically repulsive conservative who owes his entire career to appealing to the most spiteful desires of suburban white people. He’s an open racist in a material sense--if you’re old-school enough to think racism is a matter of beliefs and actions, rather than the presence of cultural signifiers--but his is the beloved “never Trump” style of racism that Dems covet. He’s also a Proven Leader who thinks the role of government should be to finance the construction of investment property and give police the resources they need to run successful drug trafficking operations. Few people embody the Democrat worldview more than Larry. 

The Losers Bracket

These people will have at least a small chance due solely to the fact that the Democrats love losing. They have lost in the past, and in the Democrat Mind that makes them especially qualified.

Joe Kennedy

The man looks like a mushroom-human hybrid from a JRPG. Trump proved that physical hideousness need not doom a presidential bid, but a candidate still needs some kind of charm or oratorical abilities or, god forbid, a decent platform. Joe aggressively lacks all of these things. A vanity campaign would be a good way to raise money and perhaps secure an MSNBC gig, so Joe might still run. 

Mayor Pete 

I am 100% convinced that Pete’s 2020 run was a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. I am also 100% aware that Democrats are dumb enough to enthusiastically support a CIA plot meant to prevent working class Americans from ever having a chance of living decent lives. If we have some sort of military or terror disaster between now and 2023 the Dems are sure to want a TROOP, and wait wait wait you’re telling me this one is a gay troop? Holy hell there’s no way that could lose!

Stacy Abrams

Never underestimate the power of white guilt. She lost the gubernatorial race to Gomer Pyle’s grandson, and her spiritual guidance of the Dems saw the party lose black voters in Georgia in 2020. Nonetheless, she is regarded as a magic font of fierceness within the DNC. She might stand a chance if she can establish herself as the most conservative non-white candidate in the field, but there’s going to be stiff competition for that honor.

Elizabeth Warren

Liz is probably angry that the party so shamelessly sold her out even after she was a good little girl and sabatoged Bernie’s campaign for them--yet another example of high ranking US government officials reneging on their promises to the Native American community. Smdh. The fact that this woman hasn’t been bankrupted a dozen times over by various Wallet Inspectors genuinely astounds me. So Liz is probably going to run again, and her campaign will be even sadder the second time around. 

It might surprise you to hear this if you don’t work at a college or NGO, but Liz diehards actually do exist. She’ll get even less support this time because there will be no viable leftist in the field for her to spoil, but she’ll still hang in long enough to make sure the very worst possible candidate beats out the second worst possible candidate. Maybe she’ll fabricate a rape accusation against Sherrod Brown. Maybe she’ll spend her entire allotted debate time doing a land acknowledgment. With Liz, anything is possible--so long as it ends in failure. 

Amy Klobuchar 

Amy was the most bloodthirsty of the 2020 also rans. She will double down on the unpopular failures of the Biden administration, explaining that if you weren’t such a selfish idiot you’d love the higher social security retirement age and oh my god are so such a moron you think you shouldn’t go bankrupt to get a COVID vaccine? There’s a non-unsubstantial segment of the Democratic base that’s self-hating enough to find this appealing, but it won’t be enough to make her viable. 

Martha Coakley

She lost Ted Kennedy’s senate seat to a retarded man who was pretending to be even more retarded than he actually was. Then she lost a gubernatorial race to a guy who openly promised Massachusetts voters that he would punish them for electing him. Her record of failure is unparalleled, making her perhaps the ideal Democrat standard bearer for the twenty twenties. 

[2ofswords]

Since I am so tired of reading „I know Dankovsky sucks and his ending is horrible“, before every comment that defends him, I will now throw myself into the fires of discourse and write an essay about:

Why The P1 Utopian ending does not mean Danko is an asshole

(A bit of swearing and a lot of spoilers under the cut)

Since I already spoke about being tired of disclaiming a lot, here are some of them. Firstly: This is NOT a comparison and I am definitely not saying, that his ending is better than the ending of the Haruspex or the Changeling. That would be ridiculous and I wholeheartedly belief that the other characters have morally better endings. (Though I will make one ending comparison at the end of this essay just to make myself even more of a hypocrite and there will be a comparison of one aspect of all three P1 endings, that is not made to compare their general quality but… well… this specific aspect of the ending.)

Also this essay isn‘t about Dankovsky not being an asshole. This is not a character analysis, I am only talking about the ending and his relationship regarding his path towards it. There are entirely different arguments to be made about his character that I will not talk about. Surprisingly a character is not only defined by the outcome of their story.

And last but not least the weirdest disclaimer of them all: While my arguments try to defend Dankovsky in his ending I totally understand if you still think his ending makes him more of an asshole. Killing a lot of people is always a dick move and the decision is still a horrible one. I do not really want to argue that people are wrong for judging him based of his ending. I just want to explain, why we also do not have to feel ashamed for deciding to not judge him as a complete asshole based on the main outcome of his route and why his motivation isn’t only based on spite or even ruthless calculation. Also, I think that there is a lot to say about his decision, that isn’t really said and that these are interesting aspects. Sorry to say it, but I just wanted to have a catchy title. I just really love this ending and it’s complexity and wanted to discuss it aside of calling it the evil Danko ending.

So. Let’s start with the easy argument that some people are talking about.

Argument 1: Danko completely lost it and holding him accountable due to his rationality defies the point of his route.

This one is… one of the weaker arguments, but I will still elaborate on it. The entirety of his route is built upon loss and failure. While the Haruspex starts with a mob that wants to kill him and works his way up, the dynamic of his route is him seemingly starting on top of everything and slowly loosing his bearings and by the end of the story this man is already driven to madness. Being used as a pawn in politics, getting daily “fuck you”-letters from the Powers that Be, realizing your lives work is already destroyed and all of your colleagues are probably as doomed (and being the one responsible because he was their leader), realizing that Aglaya – who was the one person who seemed to be his ally at the end – used and betrayed him just like everyone else, having the one truly honestly kind person commit suicide at least partly because of his failures, witnessing his own helplessness against the plague (an enemy that should align with his expertise as a doctor), being hated from day one by almost everybody in town, realizing that the political allies are totally bonkers and also preparing to off themselves (Victor! You seemed moderately sane at the beginning. The betrayal!), getting almost beaten to death while trying to help the town while spending all these days in an hostile place that slips into chaos… yeah I think you really aren’t in the headspace for rational thought. It is a miracle that that guy hasn’t completely broken down and day eleven and to some extend day 9 and 10 are showing him as completely unhinged already, only leading up to a decision, that isn’t really made out of spite or coldness but rather desperation and blind tunnel vision. The day eleven mission involves him going on a rampage against a military squad because of a vague hint and he only checks after the killings, if Andrew is even there. That isn’t a calculated action it’s about a man being completely shattered and making everybody suffer because of that. (Which is also horrible, but an entirely different sort of tragedy.) By now he just shouldn’t be the one handling the situation at all but the local powers sure want to wash their hand of any guilt that they haven’t already attracted. Also – and more importantly – the Polyhedron literally is the one good thing happening to this man. After going into it on day 9 he thanks Khan for reminding him of a childhood he has forgotten! He has a shit week, he is completely beaten down (quite literally) and this is the one happy moment he finds in all this chaos. Clinging onto that is surely not rational, but it is human. We all know that the Bachelor has the tendency to survive on willpower alone and here clinging to the tower and its miracles is literally his only motivation to continue his route at all. Of course he is going to protect it at that point, if thinking about any other option bring nothing but utter misery and the acceptance of complete and utter failure. After all Dankovskys route is about the limits of his rational worldview and how it hinders him more that it serves him in a world, that isn’t defined by rational beliefs. Of course he will be out of it by the end and actually loosing his composure is an important part of his suffering and character development in the story. His ending is not a sign of rational thought but the last consequence of being enraptured in a web of circumstances that forbid him from making rational decisions in the first place.

Truth to be told, I don’t really like this as an argument. I love this thought as a peace of characterization. As much as I love his ending and the horrible consequences and the actual failure it imposes, when we look at the other playable characters. But it doesn’t really help us here. It doesn’t change the fact, that Dankovsky destroyed an entire town just for a dream, a man-made building, a promise of utopia that we never witness ourselves. He still destroyed so… so much! But… let’s look a bit deeper into the motivations behind that exchange.

Argument 2: The Trolley problem

“There is a runaway trolley barrelling down the railway tracks. Ahead, on the tracks, there are five people tied up and unable to move. The trolley is headed straight for them. You are standing some distance off in the train yard, next to a lever. If you pull this lever, the trolley will switch to a different set of tracks. However, you notice that there is one person on the side track. You have two options:

Do nothing and allow the trolley to kill the five people on the main track. Pull the lever, diverting the trolley onto the side track where it will kill one person. Which is the more ethical option? Or, more simply: What is the right thing to do?” (Wikipedia)

There is a variation to this question and interestingly enough it is one of the morality questions Aglaya asks in Pathologic 2: Would you push a man down a bridge, to save the children from a train? The curious thing is, that we can see all healers giving the same answer, (even if we have the choice to choose differently, since it is… you know… a dilemma). Necessary sacrifice is a constant of all three routes and every single protagonist has to kill in order to save a larger amount of people. Still, the game never answers moral choices with a simple answer and here with the Utopian ending we can see the darker side of this moral dilemma in full force (to a lesser extend this also applies to the Humble ending, since it also involves the Trolley problem, albeit on a smaller scale.) If we take the Kain’s studies about the focus and the soul seriously and see the Polyhedron as a method to ensure immortality seriously – or if we at least assume that Dankovsky wholeheartedly believes in that concept – than protecting the Polyhedron at the cost of the town suddenly becomes the Trolley problem at a significantly larger scale. The Polyhedron could ensure the survival of humankind but only at the expense of the town and it’s infected inhabitants. After all death is to Dankovsky but an affliction that can be healed just like the plague and consumes far more victims (if not all of them even if one would survive the disease). And that poses the question: When does the Trolley Dilemma stop working? What if there are two million people on the tracks and one million on the other side? What if there are hundred people on one and ninety nine on the other? What about five million vs. four million and nine hundred thousand? Can a human life be counted against the life of several others? If we look at the game itself and the healers answer in their daily life, it seems kind of simple: Yes, it is possible. The effort of saving is worth dirtying your hands after all. Risking at least your own life seems like a fair deal and no route really works without at least some degree of human sacrifice. But on this larger scale… it seems absurd. And… well… it is. But still. If we just try to empathise with the Bachelors mindset. If there is a possibility to cure humanity’s mortality… if there is a sliver of possibility (and since Thanatica is destroyed the Polyhedron seems like the only possibility at this point)… what kind of sacrifice is worth preserving it?

I myself have my own answer to that question. In Germany the Constitution starts with the sentence “Die Würde des Menschen ist unantastbar” or: “Human dignity shall be inviolable.” (This is the official translation though a more direct translation would be “Human dignity is inviolable” which is more of a statement and less of a law) Even if the effect of that sentence in politics is very debatable and it is incredibly vague and not really a usable sentence as a law… I really like it. The human rights as a concept as well as equality can be concluded from the fact, that human dignity is something that cannot – under any circumstance – been taken away and is always a thing that must be considered just by being human. It is… nice. And it also means, that a human being cannot be seen as a mere object and has its own agency. A human being is not quantifiable in their existence by any parameter, be it birth, skin colour, gender, sexuality, religion, interests, talent, job, body, etc… It is incredibly important… and incredibly interesting in our scenario. Because if life isn’t quantifiable at any circumstance… the Trolley Dilemma has a solution. There is no way to tell, if one life can outweigh several others and deciding over their lives is something and judge over the worth of their live is something one should never do. Thus Dankovsky’s choice to save the Polyhedron and outweigh the lives of the infected seems morally wrong.

But… is that the answer the game has? Well… the artbook of Pathologic 2 states that the design of the game is about enforcing ambiguity and I would argue that the first instalment is no different. Firstly: In times of crisis lives become quantifiable. That is part of the tragedy. The healers’ lives are suddenly worth preserving, while others appear as nameless numbers in a daily statistic and caring about the individual dignity seems impossible. As already said the act of killing in order to preserve life is almost mandatory in every single run. So, what about human dignity? Can it even be preserved under such a dilemma? (And there is probably a point to be made about everybody being dolls and thus not even a being with dignity and agency at all… but I digress) Especially doctors have to face this dilemma and they have to make these judgement calls, weather they like it or not. The game doesn’t answer it but makes different variations of the same dilemma that we may judge differently. The Utopian ending is one variation.

What I want to say is, that – if we take the Kains’ believes seriously and see the survival of miracles against the law of nature not only as progress but as a question about human mortality itself – the question if the Polyhedron is worth saving is a very different one. I personally think that the idea of the focus still feels too esoteric to be a real point of interest but on the other hand… it is not like we haven’t some proof when we visit Khan and listen to his testimony. It is not that this place is above it’s miracles, and we know that a lot of the mysticism is grounded in reality, be it by the very real ways of the Kin or the past existence of Simon. So only thinking of the polyhedron as an abstract concept is… well doing it a disservice if we take the other parts as serious. Yeah it is made out of it’s own idea but… you know being like “it cannot exist but it can sure puncture the earth and kill everything” is… a weird way of thinking and it sure is a McGuffin (and even called that in the Artbook) but as we said, the game is about ambiguity and the only way to look at its existence is not only “evil tower of doom”. Is it worth keeping? Eh… I wouldn’t say so myself. I still think the Utopian ending is pretty shit and seeing the tower as salvation for our mortal lives is pretty farfetched. But the question for this essay is: Is it wrong to think, it is worth keeping? And from Dankovsky’s perspective, who sees it as the only possible chance of curing human mortality… Well… the answer at least isn’t as simple anymore. But – and now we are getting somewhere – the argument about the complexity of human value can be also made without even relying on Kain-Bullshit.

Argument 3: The Utopian Ending is the only ending, that completely gets rid of the plague (at least from Dankos point of view)

But wait you say, the other endings also defeat the plague! There even is a cure, something our beloved Bachelor of Medicine never archives. What is this lunacy?

Well here is the catch: A cure does not destroy its disease. Or at least it is an unreliable method. Sure, if everyone is cured and/or the disease helps to build antibodies, then it does help to get rid of it. But the sandpest seems to leave the bodies and not finding these remnants and antibodies is one essential part of the Bachelor’s route. It is the reason Rubin needs a living heart in the first place. The disease doesn’t seem to stay and no antibodies seem to be developed. (And even if I try to avoid material of Pathologic 2 in this analysis since there are differences in the Canon I still at least want to mention, that the Panacea as well as the shmowder do indeed not help against the disease after it is cured and a person can be reinfected. I do not know, if the same is the case in one and if you can test it out.) But if there are no antibodies, the cure could only eradicate the disease if every single infected person is cured at the same time. Good luck with that! That’s not bound to be a complete mess in this town!

This is backed up on day 12 in the Bachelor’s own route. When he is presented with the options the other healers have, he always asks both of them the same question: How does that ensure the future of the town? The Haruspex makes a cure yes. But what if the disease returns? After all the underground water he talks about still exists and there is no telling, if it will ever reemerge. It already happened once… The Haruspex doesn’t answer with “no, that will never happen”. He says that they will have enough cure if this is the case. An optimist, I see. And definitely not a satisfying answer if we consider a scientific perspective. What if the cure runs out? What if they find out too late and the plague spreads outside of town? A cure is not a waterproof system against plague. (You know what works better though? A vaccine.) Daniil’s mission was always to eradicate the disease and this would not do the trick. Having only a cure is risky. And it might not be a permanent solution.

The same applies for the Humble ending. If one asks the Changeling what would happen if the blood of their sacrifice runs out she answers “There will always be people willing to sacrifice themselves” Which is… just great. Constant human sacrifice just doesn’t seem that sustainable. And it also means that there will be constant loss of human life. Something that might even lead to more sacrifice in the long run (although that would be a reaaaaly long run considering how long the sacrifice of the Clara’s bound is supposed to last.) But it sure as hell doesn’t make the plague disappear. What if there are no willing sacrifices? What if Clara is gone and there is no one to perform a miracle? Clara’s ending relies on faith by nature and putting your trust in it is easy from a player’s perspective but even harder when there are lives at stake, the success unsure and these questions to consider.

Dankovsky’s ending is built upon uprooting the plague and eradicating it. The problem is that it is everywhere and not easily destroyed. As Lara very adequately realised: There is no source. His ending is the consequence of that goal and even if it loses in every other aspect, this is the one, where it wins. It actually destroys the problem itself. Building a new town and keeping the tower it cannot reach, actively minimalizes the possibility of the plague reappearing. And a more permanent solution might save more lives than one that sounds more humane at the beginning.

Okay, to defend the Haruspex for a change of pace: In his route he actually does believe that his method eradicates the disease as much as Dankovsky is convinced that his solution does the trick. For him the source is the Polyhedron and the way, it wounds the earth. With it removed the plague will not reappear. But why should Dankovsky share this belief? No one tells him! The inquisitor says that the Polyhedron is the root of evil but there never is any actual proof for that. Even If the Polyhedron is partially responsible and Danko actually does acknowledge this, it is the bloody mess of underground fluids that are in fact the source (which is ironically confirmed by the Haruspex himself). As he tells the inquisitor herself at the last day: The source and the cause can be too different things. It already seeped through Andrey’s spiral to the upper layers. The damage has already been done and in fact the Polyhedron is now the only save place, where nobody is infected. Everything else needs to be destroyed to eradicate the disease but why even destroy the Polyhedron? Wait. Why even destroy the Polyhedron? What good would that even do if we would consider it? What the fuck would Dankovsky even do with the destroyed Polyhedron, how would that save the town?

Argument 4: Dankos ending isn’t about the town vs. the polyhedron at all!(From his perspective. It totally is for the player though!)

I experienced something weird while playing the Bachelor’s route in P1. And with that I mean that I experienced something weird, that I wasn’t already expecting. After hearing so much about the fabled Polyhedron love, assuming that he sacrifices the whole town for its sake and hearing from the inquisitor in Pathologic 2 again and again how obsessed he is, I waited for the revelation. The moment Dankovsky would completely lose it and become utterly and undeniably obsessed with the children’s tower. That moment… never happened. Or well… it happened remarkably late and with less impact than I thought. Until day 9 the tower isn’t even a point of interest to the Bachelor, which is two thirds of his route. But even after you witness the miracles of the Polyhedron yourself, you still can argue against its glory. You can agree with Aglaya on day 10, that it seems dangerous (even if that could also be tactics, but until this point there is not really a reason for that). Hell, you can tell Peter on day 12, that his ideas will always only exist in his mind and blueprints and that the new town they will create will not work out! That is so weird, if the result of his run is, that he sacrifices the town for the Polyhedron! Why is there always an option to speak against the miracle we want to save? Isn’t that completely strange?

If we take the town vs. polyhedron conflict serious then… yeah it is. But is this all, what his end can be about? I would argue against it. Because what finally tips him to his solution and completes his view on the map of the town isn’t the Polyhedrons glory: It is the towns underground water and the Haruspex telling him, that the deeper layers are infected. That is, when he flips his shit and he even has an “oh no, it can’t be!” moment. Weird, isn’t it? If he would be set about destroying the town, why agonizing over this information? But from his point of view it is a nail in the coffin, the realization, that the whole towns ground is seeping with infection and if not eradicated, it will reappear. The Bachelor doesn’t have a cure and the Haruspex, while promising that he has a solution, sure as hell doesn’t explain how that would work and insists on arguing his own case without interference. (Which is completely understandable but doesn’t clear the situation.) The Bachelor has no means on his own to fight the plague outside of destroying the town. This is his only option to call of the bombardment of the Polyhedron and the tower and from his point of view, destroying the tower would archive absolutely nothing. It is free of infection, why destroy it? What would ripping it out do aside from letting even more blood seep out? In his own case, this would be completely useless, thus destroying the Polyhedron does not save the town! When the Bachelor flips the switch and guides the trolley in a different direction, he isn’t guiding it from hitting the Polyhedron to hitting the town. He guides the trolley from hitting the town and the polyhedron to only hitting the town! And by the way to only hit the town which his infected people while everybody else evacuates in the tower. (Which is confirmed by his ending cutscene, where people are actually present. After all it takes the healthy to built the new town). In his own mind, the Bachelor is saving people, not killing them! He does what he can so that the most of them survives and in his case, destroying the town is the only method to ensure victory at all.

If we stick to his own route – as I am doing right now – we have two counterarguments against this theory. The first one: But isn’t that only the failure of finding a better method? And: yes it is. As we already discussed in the first argument, the Bachelors story is about failure and the game itself is about necessary sacrifice, lose-lose situations and making the best out of a desperate hopeless scenario. Which leaves us with the question: Could Dankovsky have found a better solution? And… maybe. If he was more attentive, made different choices, would have been nicer to the Kin… There always are “ifs” but I would argue that the ones in this scenario are… pretty small odds for a change. He does genuinely try to inspect the abattoir and find a solution and ensure it’s safety and is almost punched to death as a result. The Kin regard him with absolute hostility, and for a good reason but it doesn’t help his case. Without Burakh’s knowledge and caste-rights making a cure would be (almost) impossible. He isn’t allowed to do any normal doctoring the one time, he tried to gain some blood from dead people, multiple guards had to die in order to ensure this absolute act of evil to go unnoticed. Thus he has to rely on Rubin’s secret lab. The possibility of Simon and his powers against the plague also aren’t usable… The Bachelor doesn’t even get to see his corpse after all. What choice does he have other than eradicating the cause itself? It’s definitely not the elegant solution that he was hoping for but there is a reason for him switching to inspect everything after ruling out a living plague carrier. These are the desperate means of finding a solution when his own knowledge of medicine has already failed him and the hopes of providing such medicine are already dwindling. Saving the town is simply not an option, the moment itself becomes the source of the plague.

The second counterargument is this one: Why not side with another healer, when they provide a better solution? And this is also a very valid argument. And thus, the moment it becomes an option, we as the Bachelor can choose to do so. If he has the cures that are necessary to ensure another healers victory, it is completely possible to avoid that ending. He doesn’t have to stick with it as well as the other healers do not have to, so judging him based on the other routes being better outcomes becomes obsolete. He has the ability to use these options, but if we lack the cures, his own solution is the only one. (Of course you can also save the other characters bound and then still decide to destroy the town, but using this scenario as his only motivation, when you can totally decide for yourself is a bit harsh, isn’t it?)

Of course, this argument collapses the moment we play any other route and he is trying to convince us to save the Polyhedron and abandon our own plans. However his own route can be considered his own perception of the story and our knowledge, how much he knows about the others paths is pretty limited and dependant of our choices as the player. Also, seeing his character and the changes made with that in mind, we can actually explain, why they appear. Of course, everybody tells Artemy how much the Bachelor is in love with the tower, when we’re not seeing it to that extreme in his route! It is necessary to fulfil his role in the Haruspex route. Of course, both the Bachelor and the Haruspex will appear as demons in Clara’s route. They do offer nothing but destruction from her point of view and both solutions seem destructive and spiteful, if they try to convince her. Everybody seems on board with seeing the characters in her route differently, but I think that the same applies to the Bachelor and the Haruspex in each other’s route, since their roles in the game changes. Or at least the perspective changes based on the others worldview. The Haruspex seems a lot more dangerous and his medicine a whole lot shadier, while the Bachelor seems to be more in love with the tower and ready to abandon everything for it, because it seems that way in comparison to the other persons knowledge of the situation. This is also backed up by the doll ending, where the Bachelor is being called out as the villain most of the time. In other routes he appears more villainous than in his own route, because we do actually have the means of comparison. But this is our perspective and not actual character motivation. We as the player do have the choice to work toward an ending. We can with our knowledge of the game go the extra mile to secure enough cures from the very beginning and help another healer. We are aware of the fact, that Clara and Artemy are other playable characters and we know from the very beginning that their beliefs have to be of value and their solutions will be backed up by their own routes. We know the opposition these characters stand in and while we see the different routes we may judge them for ourselves. And while Clara definitely knows and the other two healers show some sensibility towards this opposition (the “left hand, right hand”-quote comes to mind), at least the male healers are basing their decision upon their beliefs and not some outside point of view (while Clara watches and not-so-silently judges them). They even try to help each other and even provide the key insight to their own plan’s destruction (the Bachelor guides the inquisitor eyes to the Polyhedron and its structure, while Artemy outright tells Daniil of the underground infection). Of course they do not have the full picture! How could they, this entire game is about them not having it and making terrible mistakes! Dankovsky doesn’t have the ability to judge his own solution how the player does. And while judging his ending based on this information is completely valid and sensible, implying that he knows this detriment and still goes through with everything feels… a bit unfair to say the least. The conflict of the town vs. the polyhedron is an important debate in the game. And yes, Dankovsky’s role is being the advocate of the polyhedron, but man, this guy has the tendency to get manipulated into advocating random shit! The town vs. polyhedron debate is as present with him, as it is with the Haruspex. With the Polyhedron being the source in his route, he really has no choice but to remove it. After all, this guy really has no reason, to protect the Polyhedron. Of course he doesn’t! He would never sacrifice the town for the sake of his own ideology!

Argument 5: Let’s talk Nocturnal!

I promised one comparison, didn’t I? Still, we are now diving into abstract talk about the games’ themes and less about character motivation. Consider this more of a bonus and a different thought and less as an argument for Dankovsky himself. Comparing one ending to a different one does not make one of these characters more or less of an asshole. And comparing Pathologic 1 to Pathologic 2 obviously doesn’t tell us anything about the canon of either of those games, since they have vastly different results and we have no idea what the Bachelor’s endings will look like in Parhologic 2 (though I would be surprised if we couldn’t destroy the town and save the Polyhedron. But who knows, in Artemy’s case the army only pisses off.) Still, I think it is very interesting to talk about both of these endings side by side.

And I will begin this comparison by telling you that I love this ending! I am so happy that it exists and I think it is glorious and I think it’s existence is really important. I am so happy that Artemy has a reason to destroy the town. But is this okay? Or – as a comparison – is this a better idea than the one Dankovsky had?

I would argue that these endings have a lot in common. They both preserve their own ideals and establish a radically new order at the cost of the town itself. They both kill a shit ton of people for the miracles they have witnessed along the way. One could even argue that the Nocturnal ending is more horrifying. Firstly, more people die. While the Bachelor saves the uninfected, Artemy saves only those who “live with earths will” which seems to be like… the ten guys chilling in the abattoir and some of the kids. We know that there are only mere hundreds of people left of the kin and since everybody in the termitary doesn’t seem to count… who even gets saved? It’s at least as vague as the question who isn’t infected and can be saved at the Utopian end. But – more importantly – Artemy definitely has a choice in that matter and decides to sacrifice the town for the sake of the past. (If you’re not me. In my playthrough I got the courier note twenty minutes before 22:00 and the game was like “what are you going to do, such a hard choice” and I was like “I literally do not have the time to get this thing to town hall”. And then Aspity was like “you made your own conscious and completely willed decision” while Artemy just awkwardly stared at her…) But even disregarding that, the ending is surprisingly similar. Yet I see no one judging either the Haruspex or his ending for being overly cruel and well… killing a lot. Actually, I only read posts defending it and saying that it is as morally okay as the diurnal ending and could also count as a good end. And… I kind of agree. The sacrifice of the diurnal ending is pretty steep and destroying some species – while the worms, herb brides and albinos definitely show human qualities – is pretty fucked up as well and preserving them can seem worth the cost. (Oh my, do not say we arrived at the problem of human value again!) Still… It is destroying the town for its miracles. That is literally what this ending is about, yet our asshole sense does not tingle at all! Why is that?

I think there are two arguments for this difference between our outlook on the Nocturnal and the Utopian end. The first one is that the Kin and its culture is very endangered and protecting it just seems more morally sound than protecting some rich dudes. Which is very fair and the Kains are very fucked up. Buuuut, it isn’t like there is the termitary quest that preludes the diurnal ending. Finishing the game doesn’t exactly mean that we abandon the Kin. Part of its beliefs and culture, yes. Definitely, and as I said I still think the Diurnal and Nocturnal ending are pretty balanced. But a part of the Kin is assimilated and is coping and while protecting its culture and very real traditions is completely valid, the Nocturnal ending also destroys parts of the Kin (the Termitary part) as ill fitting for living with the earth…. So… hm… It’s not as easy as saying “but you help the Kin in one and some rich dudes in the other”, since the Kin itself are also torn and we are still only allowing a specific way of living. A specific worldview containing the miracles of the town… On the other hand, the polyhedron and its miracles can also be considered endangered and unique. It is a one of a kind structure as is the miracles it can provide. The Stamatins are pretty unable to reproduce it, as the game likes to tell us and destroying it would destroy all hopes of a one in a time event to come to life. Also there are talks about the Utopians being a faction of the entire town with one third of the population agreeing on their beliefs (as it is the case with the other ideologies). And the plans Peter and Maria make do sound interesting, dreamlike and… well unique. Something that can also only happen in this circumstance. But alas… we do not know that much about it and their word is only what we have. And this is the second aspect that makes the Nocturnal ending more relatable: Buildup. We witness first-hand what this Nocturnal world would be (sometimes for better and sometimes for worse), we know the beings and the miracles of the earth. We do not really get in touch which the utopian ideas and only have the rambling of good old Georgji which… yeah that doesn’t help their case! But there are kids calling this new town an “eternal adventure” a miracle that can come to live and I would say, that this thought is quite beautiful. And it certainly is unique, which is the main argument of the Nocturnal ending. Wonders, plague and miracles. Destroy one and the other will vanish. So… what is worth keeping a miracle? The answer now seems even harder to grasp. Maybe even impossible.

But we also do not have every puzzle peace. I still have hope for the two different routes and with them there are the possibilities of new realizations and also new endings. I myself am really curious if we either get an option to save the town or a reason to destroy the Polyhedron as the Bachelor. (And I am very curious as well, if Clara will get a second ending. What would that even be? An all destruction ending to set everyone free???) There also could be more elaboration on the Polyhedron and its inner workings. Maybe we will even understand what the Kains are talking about! There are some allusions to a more concrete Kain worldview. The nut-game while very disturbing makes the entrapment of the soul way more real and gives the focus some context. (It also doesn’t only connect it with the polyhedron since “anything can be a focus. A polyhedron, a room, a nut”.) The same applies to the clocks and their connection to the save system, which makes the miracles of the Kains way more real. And I digress. Only time will tell.

Conclusion:

I think it is clear by now, that this way too long text isn’t really about giving answers and more about perspective. I myself would say that the Bachelor’s choice is terribly misguided most of the time and the only possible method to save anything at best. But I do not think that it is made with its destructive force in mind. What I wanted to show is, that the motives and the narratives surrounding this ending are way more complex and also really, really interesting. (I just wanted to gush about this game!) As are the characters that comment on the situation at hand. And reflecting on how we judge them can say a lot about our own view and the world (this one as well as the Town on Gorkhon).

[luminouslumity]

A visual representation of me watching Love Never Dies for the first time:

Seriously, just why? You were doing so well, Andrew! I don't think I've ever really hated a musical before. But as they say, never say never. I also tried separating this musical from the original story, but it just doesn't work, either. Most of the characters are still unlikable either way.

First of all, I am insulted what they did to Raoul. Insulted, I say! Oh, I'm not expecting him to be perfect. I love it whenever former protagonists are presented to be flawed partners and parents, but good god! It's even more annoying when it's very clear he's written like this just so Christine can go back to Erik.

And speaking of, I like how Christine seems to be a good mother to Gustave, but I hate how little agency she seems to have and I find it really hard to believe that she'd cheat on Raoul at all, least of all with Erik of all people. And maybe it's just me, but the timing of Gustave's conception also just seems odd, although how Erik realized that the boy was his son is actually laughable. And as for the Phantom himself, he's still as awful as ever. Not only has he learned nothing from the original story, but he's also an idiot! "We can't all be like Christine," he says to an unhinged Meg, who is wielding a gun!

And Meg. Meg, sweetie, what has Andrew done to you? I pitied her more than anything throughout the musical, at least up until she kidnaps and threatens to kill Gustave, who was really the only character I liked all throughout. And with Madame Giry, I also really hated how spiteful she was when it came to Christine even though she seemed to be done with the Phantom by the end of the original musical to the point of helping Raoul get Christine back. And don't even get me started on her behavior towards Meg!

And given the musical's plot, I feel like Madame Giry being the musical's climax antagonist would've made more sense. It certainly seemed to be building her up as one, at least.

Also, this is more of a personal thing, but the fact that this takes place on Coney Island is something I just can't take seriously no matter how hard I try.

And from what I hear, the book isn't very good, either. And yes, there's a book. It came first, but from what I've gathered, apparently Andrew and the author Frederick Forsyth worked on the storyline together before it went to the public. I also heard that LND is basically Andrew's spitefic that he worked on after Sarah left him, but considering that Christine dies at the end... Yeah, all I can say is yikes if that story really is true. Also, I really worry for Gustave at the end there.

It just felt like no one really won in the end, which is why part of me hopes that this musical was to show why a relationship between Erik and Christine would never work no matter what.

A few more good things I will say however is that I did really like the set, songs, and costumes (the way Christine and Erik are dressed compared to Raoul was great visual symbolism), and of course the actors are all wonderful, but the few positives in this musical aren't enough to save the abysmal storyline for me.

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: June 2019

Halfway through the year! Here’s how I spent the month of June.

……….FILM……….

Godzilla: King of the Monsters (2019) Delivers on everything I’d want out of a Godzilla movie: destruction, cool monsters, and bland humans making crazy decisions. It perhaps took itself a little seriously, but that also felt on-brand, you know? Hopefully this series keeps going so we can get to a Mechagodzilla showdown.

Booksmart (2019) So good. We caught this at the end of its run so it’s a shame I can’t tell more people to go out and see it. Great bff chemistry, nuanced cast, funny, and solid direction. It felt familiar and new. Oh but as a former teacher, the Jessica Williams bits were all sorts of problematic.

Rocketman (2019) Just wonderful! The framing device of rehab wasn’t just a break from the biopic tropes, it was a crucial element towards reinforcing the main thrust of the film. Sure it goes through the rise and fall of a star, but it uses that arc to show the growth of a human. That’s why this is great. Also Taron Egerton is just overwhelmingly great.

……….TELEVISION……….

The Bachelorette (Episode 15.04 to 15.07) I worry that Hannah isn’t going to make it to the end of the season without some sort of emotional break. The slightly unhinged antics were fun at first, but now it feels like it’s bordering on full-on meltdown. I still long for a season where we’re given simple romance and good good friendships, but until then I suppose we’re stuck with Luke P. It’s really hard to watch a genuinely problematic relationship continue but hopefully he’ll be gone soon. Also that clip episode was next level.

The Magicians (Episode 1.10 to 3.08) It’s still doing a great job of acting as a sort of remix of the books. The stuff from book 2 is carrying over to the later seasons and while it’s not moving quite as briskly as the first, it’s still doing a great job of showing a different perspective and interpretation of the core plot elements.

……….READING……….

Thisby Thestoop and the Black Mountain by Zac Gorman (Complete) I put this on hold at the library thinking it was a graphic novel. Then I saw it was categorized as “children’s so I figured, knowing it was a collab between Gorman and Sam Bosma, it was an all-ages comic. Turns out it was a children’s chapter book and I loved it! Light-hearted, touching, and full of lovely illustrations by Bosma, it delivered everything I wanted in a format I wasn’t expecting. Also it’s about the adventures of a D&D-styled dungeon’s gamekeeper, Thisby Thestoop. So if you have a kid (or you, yourself) want an RPG-adjacent read, this is a great choice.

Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman (Complete) Compilations like this are always a lot of fun and I find it interesting to pick up themes when reading a collection of myths. There’s an awful lot of punishment in Greek mythology and in reading these, I really picked up on a lot of tests. Tests of strength or drinking ability or speed and it’s all rather fascinating. I admit that Gaiman’s writing is what brought me to the book but it’s rather subdued. Very cool to read how interested in Norse Mythology he is and it adds another layer to his other books (particularly American Gods). I don’t know if I’d recommend it if you were only a fan of Gaiman’s work, but I’d definitely suggest it if you’re keen to learn more about Thor and Loki and the gang.

Motherlands by Simon Spurrier & Rachel Stott (Complete) I love bonkers sci-fi. There are giant fleshy bounty hunters, pixelated teleporting guns, tiny lizard people, and civilizations all on the backs of crabs, but at the end of the day this book is about the relationship between a mother and her daughter. Sure, both are bounty hunters, but it uses the fantastic to explore the personal and that’s what my favourite speculative fiction does best.

Black Hammer Vol. 1: Secret Origins by Jeff Lemire and Dean Ormston (Complete) Think alternate Justice League trapped on a farm in an alternate reality (likely our own). It’s a family drama set in a small town and it’s really good! At first it felt like a “this is our version of Shazam! This is our version of Martian Manhunter!” but the characters are breaking away from the tropes and it’s in that deviation that the book really shines. Worth checking out.

The Creepy Case Files of Margo Maloo by Drew Weing (Complete) As far as all-ages comics go, this has a good range of appeal. It touches on topics like gentrification and xenophobia, but uses monsters to communicate them. The main characters didn’t really resonate with me (the POV character doesn’t get to take much action and the expert is perhaps a little cold for someone meant to show compassion for all). There’s a second volume and while I didn’t love this, I want to check out the next chapter to see where it’s all going.

……….AUDIO……….

Factually (Podcast) If you know Adam Ruins Everything (either the show, youtube clips, or the podcast) then this is a natural continuation. I’m still not sure why the transition from the other podcast to this as it feels essentially the same, so I can only assume it was a contractual or savvy business move. Also the podcast is a deeper dive into common misconceptions in the world and it has Andrew W. K. for the intro music. What more could you want? 

……….GAMING……….

Maze of the Blue Medusa (Satyr Press) We had a bit of a lull this month from me being sick, but the party continues to hesitantly explore deeper into the maze and so is running into more dangerous encounters! It’s all very exciting.

Cadence of Hyrule: Crypt of the NecroDancer featuring The Legend of Zelda (Brace Yourself Games) Having never played the original indie game (Crypt of the Necrodancer) I found it to be a steep learning curve and I died a whoooooole bunch at the start. Now I feel like I’ve found the literal (and metaphorical) rhythm of the game. Lots of fun, a great blend of new and familiar Zelda elements, and just a generally breezy game that can be very difficult. Oh also you can play as Zelda! For the whole game! 100% recommend.

Gato Roboto (Devolver Digital) Perfect bite-sized game. Three-ish hours of a cat in a mech suit is exactly what I wanted and it didn’t fail to deliver. The bosses are challenging though I admit most of the other enemies were pretty chill. Worth the modest cost and the whole thing was a lot of fun.

And that’s it! As always, feel free to send me any recommendos as I’m always looking for something new to watch/read/hear/play!

Happy Sunday.