#seriously breaking the pattern in an argument is the fucking best i want everyone to learn it

[britcision]

Hey by the way I just wanna throw this out there because I’ve been thinking about it

Just… some analysis but also commentary on said feeling about people telling you you’ve always annoyed them below the cut

Shuro’s in one hell of an overwrought mental state right now. The woman he loves has not only died, he arrived too late to revive her and learns that the people who did revive her MAJORLY fucked up

They’re probably going to have to mercy kill her, and he doesn’t know if she can ever be revived, because Laios beat him down here

(Don’t worry about how anything might actually have gone if Shuro got there first it’s irrelevant, the point is he’s overstimulated and in a shitty place)

Why is this relevant?

Because he probably doesn’t actually mean what he’s saying

He’s lashing out at the first and closest target, and trying to make all of his problems Laios’ fault in case that makes them go away, and frankly probably didn’t actually expect Laios to pay attention to the “we were never friends” when he is explicitly saying “I’m going to kill you and bring Marcille to justice”

When neurotypicals say things like “I never actually liked you you’ve always annoyed me”, it is very rarely The Secret Truth And Everything Else Was Fake

It’s an exaggeration, and yeah, it is meant to be hurtful, but if it’s said in a heated moment like this? It’s probably not worth going back and trying to evaluate every interaction you ever had, looking for clues

Because it’s probably not true. Your friends that you spend a lot of time with probably have a choice in spending that time with you specifically, or someone else (or alone)

If they keep choosing to spend time with you, there’s something about you that’s worth it, even if you have some annoying qualities

And yeah, we can all be annoying - including your neurotypical friends

Those right there are the hurty panels, because it’s a pretty big trigger for a lot of people; that your friends never really liked you

But the important panels come later on

There’s the actual frustration underneath (and listen I don’t actually think Shuro’s neurotypical I think he’s been forcibly taught heavy masking by his dad)

“You’re the only one who gets to act totally sincere all the time, and everyone else has to take on the burden of dealing with you.”

High masking friend to low masking friend behaviour. And again, once the fight is over and they’ve calmed down, Shuro can name what he’s actually feeling.

It’s not that Laios has always only annoyed him and he faked the whole friendship. It’s that he’s frustrated, spiralling, and jealous of how uncomplicated Laios makes all these complex issues seem by being blunt

Because for Laios (for a lot of us), it is simple. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Why wouldn’t you just tell someone if you were annoyed by them?

Well, if you’re used to having the burden of managing other peoples’ feelings for them, for one. What if your friend gets angry when you try and tell them they’ve annoyed you? What if they blow it into a bigger fight?

And the really important part of all of this, and I swear it’s part of why we got this whole fight and heart punch in the first place:

Shuro 1000% guaranteed does not hate Laios for always being annoying. He’s still in a pretty shitty place, but he’s had his meltdown, blown off some steam, and when it comes to the actual truth?

They’re still ride or die

If Laios survives the dungeon, with or without Falin, Shuro will ride to the rescue and do what he can to keep them safe

(And possibly still narc on Marcille’s ass, he made no promises there)

If someone you love and trust says they’ve always hated you in a heated fight, or that you’ve always been annoying, you don’t have to believe them

Because once everyone has calmed down, if you can ask again “hey, did you really mean that? I’d like to not annoy you, can we fix it?”

Yeah, they’re probably not going to have the massive list of all your personal failings that the trigger puts in your head (if they do, well, you’re probably better not being friends because that is petty bitch behaviour that we do not stan)

They might have a couple things they don’t like

You might have a couple things they do too

Then you can decide together if you wanna keep hanging out anyway and try and do better

Deadass though, having a completely frank discussion, when neither of you are upset, will get you much closer to the truth than a screaming fight

Anger is a liar and will push you to say whatever you think will hurt the worst, no matter how you really feel

The truth is never that black and white, or that easy

Tl;dr: never trust what someone says when you’re fighting more than what they say when you’re calm

You’re not going to get a real answer until the adrenaline fades, and a very honest “I still like you and would like to be friends” is a pretty solid first step once you’ve both calmed down

Do not let the squirrel brain hold onto and covet words spoken in anger to hurt you. Kick that spiral in the ass and hey, if you talk about it calmly later and it turns out it was true? At least you know now and won’t waste more time on it

But that’s gotta be better than just taking it as read, holding onto it, resenting the person, and losing them as a friend anyway

Oh god, this chapter is hurting me.... the adhd/autism feeling of not realizing that you're upsetting and annoying the people around you until they treat you like you're a bad guy for doing it.... aaaaaaa

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 297: We’re Bustin’ Outta This Joint

Previously on BnHA: Horikoshi did his best to undo all of the good vibes from the Girl Power arc by killing off Midnight. It sucks and I still don’t like it, but it is what it is. Unfortunately, Not Killing Off Your One Female Teacher Character With Any Character Development was worth 30% of his grade for the semester, so it brought his average down all the way to a C-, and so he and his report card will just have to live with that. Meanwhile Ochako did some rescuing, and the other U.A. kids lay around unconscious and/or traumatized. The chapter ended with an abrupt cut to Tartarus, where AFO is apparently just chilling and waiting for the Nearly High Ends to come bust him free. What kind of a cliffhanger is that to leave your fans hanging on for three whole weeks. Who’s suffering more here, the characters or the readers.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all “okay I know you all want to know what happens to Deku and Shouto and the rest, but have you considered finding out what happens to Overhaul and Muscular and Moonfish and New Girl Character instead?” Fandom is all, “you had us at New Girl Character.” Seiji’s dad is all, “I’m just going to say a bunch of stuff to help make sure none of the readers feel conflicted about cheering on a bunch of mass murderers escaping from prison.” Tomura is all, “dammit AFO why are you still here.” AFO is all, “shhh, Tomura, go back to sleep.” Tomura is all, “wtf but you’re literally hijacking my body and continuing to shred it to bits while we break into BnHA Alcatraz to recruit your own personal Suicide Squad.” AFO is all, “:).” Real!AFO is all, “HERE I AM, EVERYONE, SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING.” And then the chapter ends. Geez.

oh shit lol it’s a whole big fucking page all about Tartarus

my very first thought was “that’s a long-ass fucking bridge”, and then I went to go google “longest bridges”, and Wikipedia was all “son there are literally a hundred and fifty bridges in the real world longer than 5km, and the longest one is actually 165km”, and I was all “oh shit I really don’t know jack shit about bridges.” then I looked at the list for a few more minutes and realized that the super-long bridges were all built over land, and that the longest bridge over water is only 38km. which is way more reasonable, but also still really fucking long though?? ngl I would freak the fuck out on that bridge. what does any of this have to do with Tartarus you ask?? absolutely nothing, I literally forgot I was reading a chapter for a sec lol uh

anyway, my parting thought on the bridge is that it kind of defeats the whole purpose of having a giant island fortress prison, but whatever. moving on

and the six levels thing is straight out of One Piece lol. something tells me BnHA’s prison break arc isn’t going to be quite as fun. hmm

so now we’re cutting to “the Bronze Gate”, which is the main entrance off of the bridge, and some goat-looking motherfucker is out here trying to become my new favorite character. bro

SON OF A BITCH WHAT’S WITH THE BULLETS FLYING IN THE BACKGROUND. DON’T TELL ME THEY’RE SHOOTING AT GYGES. THEY CAN’T KILL OFF MY FRESHEST HOMIE GYGES. SURELY THEY WOULDN’T

ooh and now, giant robots!

giant robots with machine guns. “I’m very sorry I killed off Midnight, makeste” you know what, fuck you Horikoshi. thinking you can buy my affections back so easily

does Gyges have six arms??? look how fucking calm he is announcing the code red security lockdown, holy shit. GYGES

NOOOO

NO NOT BRIAREUS. THIS DAY EXACTS A HEAVY TOLL

YO, WHAT

he came there himself?? so much for making the Noumus do his dirty work. and based on the speech bubble shape and font, this is still AFO talking

uh oh what’s happening

is he using Decay or is his arm just sort of crumbling to pieces because he hasn’t had time to heal up yet? if it’s the former this prison break is going to set a record for shortest arc yet isn’t it

now we’re cutting to B10 which is apparently the lowest level. but do they mean lowest as in the least security, or lowest as in the deepest underground, a.k.a. the most security? idk it’s confusing and I think they should be more specific. is it B like in basement?? are there six levels or ten?? stupid Tartarus

anyway so the guards are talking about how Gigantomachia is scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning. heh. will there even be a Tartarus tomorrow morning

(ETA: WELL, UH.)

wow they’re talking about just killing him outright. damn

I kinda feel like “prison guard” is one of those jobs that just sort of naturally attracts shitty people. anyways yeah, Seiji your dad is a real piece of work

and he’s even doubling down on it after the other guy repeatedly keeps trying to hush him up. dude we get it, you’re an asshole

ooh and now we’re getting an interesting look at the various prisoners, some of whom look suspiciously familiar!

for starters, that’s definitely Moonfish in the upper left corner, I’m like 99% sure. not quite clear who that is across from him in the upper right, but it’s been a hot minute since we saw Muscular, so maybe?

and could that be Overhaul in the panel beneath him?? they’re not showing his face so I assume it’s someone we’d recognize, and he’s the only currently-incarcerated villain with that haircut as far as I can recall. though it seems weird that he’s not restrained more given his quirk. I thought Horikoshi mentioned in Ultra Analysis that he’d gotten it back somehow. eh well we will wait for answers

I don’t recognize the person to his left either (though she has an oddly familiar look to her?). but the person on the bottom right, next to Kurogiri... is it Stain?? the hair and body language are sure giving off Stain vibes. if someone had told the me from two years ago that I’d actually be excited to see Stain again I would have said you were full of shit. and yet here we are. these sure are interesting times

anyway so now the Code Red intruder alarm is blaring. and I gotta say, that one scene sure was effective at killing any sympathy I might have been inclined to feel for these guards lol. bring on the imminent massacre

“what horrible timing” lol yes. it’s almost as if they planned it that way

uh oh

is he omae wa shindeiruing. watch your six, Mr. Prison Guard

oh shit

WHAT DID I SAY. WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY. but nooo, you all were all, “but a bridge is more convenient!” VERY WELL THEN, LIE IN THE BED THAT YOU HAVE MADE

anyway so it’s the High Ends lol. I mean we already knew it was them. let’s just get on with it

omfg Tomura ARE YOU RIDING ONE

WHAT ARE YOU, A NAZGUL. WHY IS THIS MY FAVORITE THING

and it looks like it actually is Tomura again, too (as opposed to AFOmura)

-- is he using Decay on himself?? is that what it is?? or no wait, is this just more of the weird side effect shit that’s been happening since he Awakened. actually yeah never mind that’s clearly what it is

y’all this man is out here having a full blown argument with himself

so this is equal parts compelling and hilarious to me right now lol. like I feel so bad for Tomura, but I also lowkey want to see how far this escalates. like do you think he’d go as far as to punch himself in the face. where will this journey lead us

fucking look at this shit

other people have already mentioned this, but with this scene especially it makes me really curious how they’re going to show this in the anime. will it be AFO’s voice coming out of Tomura’s mouth? or Tomura’s voice using AFO’s speech patterns? more importantly, will it be cool and dramatic, or will it actually wind up being hilarious? or both?? never count out both

also he’s looking pretty good there in that bottom panel with his one eye just barely visible. that doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but here I am, pointing it out

also also, lol at Tomura being all, “the fuck do you mean, ‘rest’, you’re the one that dragged my body out here to raid a fucking prison,” and AFO being all, “oh yeah, lol, true true, but I meant rest after that.” yes, this man clearly has nothing but the purest intentions, Tomura. trustworthy af

this fucking guy. Tomura is your bullshit radar finally operational yet?? can you see yet that it was always his intention to use you right from the very start?? oh man I am starting to get fidgety now listening to this

so Tomura’s saying he doesn’t just want to be used as a chess piece. and AFO is all, “well okay but what if it’s a VERY NICE AND IMPORTANT chess piece.” bro DID HE STUTTER

-- AHH BUT NEVER MIND THAT, HERE IT IS, THIS IS WHERE THE FUN STARTS OMG

GO ON AND ACQUIRE THEM THEN! omg. why am I so fucking excited. it seriously makes no sense. like seriously, ‘hooray, our old buddies, Overhaul and Stain!!’ -- come again now?? who is this person that I have become

meanwhile AFO is making all this fuss and I really don’t understand it though

why would you need to plow directly through the building. why can’t you just use doors like a normal person. it’s not like they can lock you out, like hello, you can literally turn anything you touch into dust, what’s with all the melodrama

anyway so he’s apparently hitting the prison with some sort of EMP attack now and shutting down all their systems

omg the suspense is killing me. this is going to be so badass once it’s animated, but right now all I keep thinking is “YES, GREAT, CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE IT ALONG”

the doors are opening ahhhhhhh come on come on come on let’s go let’s get to the excitement already

now the guards are running over to try and regain control. but, like

yeah that’s pretty much how I’m expecting the rest of this to go basically

so now they’re shooting at the dust cloud lol. well if there’s one thing movies have taught me, it’s that bad guys who wait inside clouds of dust while panicked cops blindly rain bullets at them until they run out of ammo are basically invincible lol. soooooo

OHHHHH SHIT

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. THEY ARE SO FUCKED LOL, SHIT

YEP, AND HERE’S ANOTHER ONE

is this the first time we’ve seen Moonfish’s face? I feel like we might have caught a glimpse of it before on an omake page or something. either way, it wasn’t anything I actually needed to see again. thanks...?? I guess??

okay but seriously, are we supposed to actually know who this badass lady is?? like I don’t know her but I feel like I know her, you feel?

(ETA: lol there are already like 60 different theories about how she’s related to every single character in the series. will be interesting to see if anything comes of this. although we did just get three “this villain was secretly related to [insert character(s) here] all along” reveals just in the last arc, so idk, it might be better if we pass on it this time lol.)

girl who are you. please stick around. for the love of god don’t let this man kill you off too

????

wait so is this Overhaul? boy sure has seen better days huh. but the floppy sleeves... yeah, it’s gotta be him

anyway so then the only ones missing are Stain and Kurogiri, yes?? omg. and one page left to go

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO CONVINCE ME HE COULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS SHIT RIGHT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. FUCKING TIME-BIDING DRAMA QUEEN

AND HE’S JUST FLOATING HIS LIFE SUPPORT SYSTEM ALONG BEHIND HIM SOB. THIS FUCKING GUY

AND IS HE JUST ABSENTMINDEDLY DRAGGING SOME POOR SCHLUB’S CORPSE ALONG BESIDE HIM LIKE A SLEEPY TODDLER CARRYING THEIR TEDDY BEAR. I FUCKING CAN’T. REST IN PEACE, FRIEND. GIVE MY REGARDS TO GOOD OLD BRIAREUS

so that’s it! and we still don’t have any idea what AFO is actually planning to do now, after all of that. are they going to merge bodies?? or is he going to try to switch with him?? either way Tomura’s body has to be part of the plan somehow since he keeps making so much of a fuss over it. flkhglkhlk. dammit I need answers lol

[birdsareblooming]

Sonic may actually be lost royalty

I keep going down these rabbit holes I shouldn’t go down BUT! Although this theory is one that I don’t fully believe in (unlike the infinite/solaris theory and the chaos emerald theory) I still have a good argument that I want to talk about very bad.

I also tried to make this as short as possible but there’s a lot of ground to cover, but at least it’s not the infinite/solaris theory. But I have a TLDR at the end.

[Spoiler Warning for Sonic and the Black Knight]

let’s start with a ✨numbered list✨

1. Blaze the Cat

Blaze is the biggest caveat for this theory, but I think it’s best to start with her.

Now, firstly I need to clear up some things.

[Eggman: My world...]

[Eggman Nega: and my world...]

[Eggmen: are in a manner, inextricably linked!]

[Blaze: Like two Eggmans?]

Part of the Blaze’s world is that it’s a parallel universe. Parallel Eggmen, Parallel emeralds, Everything else that isn’t stated outright. Like how Tails and Marine are definitely counterparts. Seeming as Tails came from South Island and Marine came from southern island, Tails is definitely based on a kitsune and Marine, in theory, based on a tanuki. 

And, although not stated completely, Blaze and Sonic are universal counterparts.

[From Sonic Wiki: Blaze was designed as a charater who was equivalent yet and alternate version of Sonic’s character.]

Much like the Sol and Chaos emeralds, Sonic and Blaze are a mirror version of one another, although slightly different.

Alright, now that we have that out of the way:

Looking at the connections between the others, Sonic and Blaze seem, a bit too different.

The Sol and Chaos emeralds fulfill the same role, although their different appearance, and have a similar story.  Tails and Marine fulfill the same role, although their different appearance, and have a similar story. The Eggmen fulfill the same role, although their different appearance, and have a similar story. 

Blaze and Sonic fulfill the same role, although their different appearance, and have a... completely different story. 

Blaze was born to a royal family, and set to protect the Sol Emeralds and the Jeweled Scepter as her birthright, and it’s somewhat hinted that her powers may also be a birthright. Sonic, on the other hand, has no known past, and seems to have just run into the Chaos Emeralds by accident. 

You could claim that Blaze does take on the role of both Sonic AND Knuckles, which is fair and stated on the wiki, however Knuckles is also never stated to be any kind of royalty, and certainly doesn’t have that kind of past, his past being one of the more tragically alone ones. 

And here’s something interesting.

Time has warped our vision of Blaze. We all know her as “Princess Blaze the Cat.” But from watching Sonic Rush, her opening game... she is never mentioned to be a princess until the very end.

[Burning Blaze: As princess, it is my duty to protect the Sol Emeralds...]

From what I remember, this is the FIRST mention of her royal status. 

From this game’s viewpoint, they reveal the mirror status of the dimensions. They then show both Blaze and Sonic having mirror super transformations using their emeralds, highly implying that Sonic and Blaze were mirror versions. (also this was implied already by just Blaze’s shoes.) and then it’s revealed that Blaze is royal, and a princess. 

So if she’s the mirror of Sonic, what does that mean for Sonic? Especially right after showing the two of them being, well, mirrors.

2. King Arthur

SATBK is much less transparent about the counterpart universe thing.

Now this is an alternate universe, set up by Secret Rings, and surprisingly not just a story Sonic told as an elaborate excuse.

They don’t hide obivous Sonic characters being put into roles, and their in these roles for a reason.

Blaze and Silver as Percival and Galahad, the knights who quested together for the holy grail. Knuckles as Gawain literally only because of “Gawain and the Green Knight” But I respect that so much. Jet as Lamorak because of Lamorak’s fiery temper and competitiveness.  Shadow as Lancelot because he’s the “closest knight to the king” stated in game (👀) Tails as a Blacksmith because that’s p much the medieval version of a mechanic. Amy as the Lady of the Lake because like. Fuck she’s the most powerful one there. (but seriously, in forces she’s shown to be the most level headed leader and strangest, especially in Sonic’s absence. As well as “sensing” that he was still alive and having a past in tarot.) And Merlina as Merlina because... well that’s a whole other theory.

(all my theories are being brought up in the post. like i know the first two were expamples of theories I fully belive in but damn this is like a avengeners, ok,)

But Sonic as King Arthur makes sense when it’s revealed. Although he wasn’t anyone’s counterpart in Secret Rings (because secrets rings was confused as hell) He is in this game, and as the ring leader of everyone following him in SATBK, it makes sense. 

Although something that was never brought up...EVER is the Knight’s backstories, which are EXTREMELY important not only in Arthurian legends, but for the knights in Sonic lore. All of the knight’s mentioned backstories are important to their character, in both contexts. Although their never brought up.

*DEEP BREATH* Alright. The similarities between Sonic Character/Knight backstories.

Shadow and Lancelot have pretty simmilar backstories when getting down to it. Shadow/Lancelot were both raised for greatness, but still outshined by Sonic/Arthur. Although remaining loyal to them, even if for Shadow it’s only in times of need. Shadow doesn’t want to admit he’s a supporting role to Sonic, although Sonic generations kinda throws that Idea out of the water when Shadow cheers Sonic on while watching from the sidelines, much like early Lancelot.

For Blaze and Percival, in multiple interpretations Percival is of noble birth. Upon meeting Sonic’s Gang/The Knights, Blaze/Percival get’s inspired by their heroics and eventually joins them.

“Lancelot and Percival prove morally superior to Gawain who follows the rules of courtliness to the letter rather than the spirit.“ Is an actual quote from Wikipedia. Although it is VERY hard to find a concrete backstory for Gawain other than “separated from his home”, I think this proves enough. As well as the Gawain and the Green Knight story (in which Gawain tries to slay the green knight and then he picks up his head and says “see you in a year” is pretty representative of Knuckles constantly breaking the master emerald in a comedic light.) 

Lamorak/Jet are known for challenging Arthur/Sonic to competitions. 

Galahad/Silver are searching for an object/person aided by Percival/Blaze

So now that we’re all good, do you see the similarities between part one.

Although everyone else has given backstory similarities, Sonic is given none, seeming as, as far as we know, Sonic HAS no backstory.

But isn’t it interesting that King Arthur’s backstory is being lost royalty? And the secret son of the king? Wack.

3. Sonic Fucking Underground

Now, most of you are probably unfamiliar with Sonic Underground. Good.

If you’re not, you watched it as a kid and you’re nostalgic, and let me tell you I watched the entire show recently and it’s not as good as you remember.

But Sonic Underground’s quality and history could be a post on it’s own, it doesn’t matter here. What matters is the plot:

[From Sonic Wiki: Sonic, Sonia, and Manic are the children of Queen Aleena, the rightful ruler of Mobius and are pursued relentlessly by Doctor Robotnik and his bumbling bounty hunters sidekicks, Sleet and Dingo. As infants, the siblings were separated and placed in hiding to fulfill a prophecy made by the Oracle of Delphius (a spoof of the Oracle of Delphi of Ancient Greece) that the triplets would grow up to find their estranged mother, overthrow Robotnik and take their places once more as Mobius' rightful rulers.]

FORGOTTEN ROYALTY YOU SAY.

Now, Sonic Underground is VERY SEPARATED from Sonic Lore, and nothing has ever taken from it besides Manic appearing in some comics, although from what I know he’s never mentioned to be Sonic’s brother. So This is the part I always take with a grain of salt, however;

4. In conclusion/TLDR

We have Two Instances of Sonic being lost Royalty (One in a separate reality and one in a separate continuity) We have Two Instances of Dimentional Counterparts of Sonic being Royalty (Blaze and King Arthur) We have zero given backstory for Sonic We have Three instances of Sonic, or a counterpart, being royalty

And from what I remember hearing, three’s a pattern.

[matthiasschoenaertsdaily]

Matthias Schoenaerts full interview for De Morgen Magazine (original in Flemish, translated into English by @matthiasschoenaertsdaily​)

Interview by Els Maes, published on November 28, 2020

Even a global pandemic will not destroy the optimism of actor Matthias Schoenaerts (42). Because he knows from his own experience how much beauty can emerge from the most hopeless situations. "I've had my back against the wall often enough, I'll always find a way out."

A bleak autumn day on a concrete square. There is lukewarm coffee, lukewarm Chimay and rolling tobacco. At dusk we see the silhouettes of fat rats that shoot past our ankles. And yet Matthias Schoenaerts will tell us in a glowing argument that this, here and now, is the very best place to be. That there is so much beauty to discover, he says. Le paradis c'est ici. As long as we want to see it.

"It's strange to say in this unpleasant period, but I've enjoyed the past few months enormously. It's the first time in ten years, since Runskop actually, that I'll be home for a long period of time. This is so beneficial: I am photographing, painting, writing. I can devote time and attention to the very simple things we'd otherwise race past."

"Seriously, look at that," he says, picking a leaf off the ground. "Those colors, that pattern. I can spend hours looking at the pure beauty of the things that surround us."

Above us a pigeon is wreaking havoc between the thinned out foliage. "While you are singing about the wonderful beauty of nature, that animal is going to shit on our heads," I say. "And that too will be a s-p-l-e-n-d-i-d moment," Schoenaerts answers.

Matthias Schoenaerts is Belgium's most successful international film star. But here and now, on a bench in his hometown, he is a technically unemployed actor, an all-round searching artist, but above all: fighter of cynicism. "I refuse to go along with all negativity and fear. The true battle today is cynicism versus courage. And I always choose the latter."

We're on the Oudevaartplaats, the square that everyone knows as the Antwerp Bird Market, and where Schoenaerts' childhood memories are waiting to be picked up. It comes into the conversation just like that: Brando, the cute chow chow that little Matthias got from his mom on this square, when here on the bird market puppies were still sold. "My dogs were my great loves. The home situation was often difficult, and with my dogs I found security. We had three chow chows, those fluffy lion dogs with a blue tongue. Brando was the first, I loved that animal."

"We lived in a small apartment with three dogs, anything but ideal. One day we let them go, to people with a large estate. That was heartbreaking."

There is a beautiful lesson in that, about love and letting go. It would have been selfish to keep your dogs if you could give them a nicer life elsewhere, wouldn't it?

"Absolutely, but I obviously didn't process that departure properly. Brando still appears in my dreams, after all these years. Then he returns home unexpectedly, and am I mad with joy.

"I often dream about my parents too: that reunion is so intensely beautiful and warm. Oh, there you are, finally! Those dreams are true to life, and the awakening is rock-hard."

Is that one of the reasons why you like being here in Antwerp, because here you feel more connected to the people that you loved?

"This is my home, my zero, I can't imagine a place in the world where I would rather live. When my mom was alive, and especially when she got sick, in between filming I tried to be with her as much as possible here in Antwerp. In the meantime I have an apartment here, my first permanent place of my own, but I've hardly been there in recent years. Now I can finally enjoy my home, I find peace, tranquility and inspiration there. I have seen fantastic sunsets on my roof terrace in recent months. So much beauty, and you can just admire it there, every day, for free. As long as you take the time to enjoy it.

"Normally I would have started filming again in April, and left for a hectic ride of at least two years, with projects that would follow each other quickly. I was at my limits, sooner or later I was going to bang my head against the wall. I feel how beneficial it is to slow down for a moment. David Lynch said that: 'Just slow things down and it becomes more beautiful'.

"As an actor you have to work in a big machine, according to a tight schedule. I have now discovered the pleasure of creating things for myself very spontaneously in my own cadence."

Is that work something you ever want to go public with?

"I want to do something with my photography someday, but I'm in no hurry. I'm also writing a film script, I've had an idea for a trilogy for a long time. It's a very personal project, and it takes time for it to crystallize into something very pure and proper. Maybe those films will come within ten years, maybe never.

"The most important thing is to keep busy. You have to look for something, anything, on which you can focus your passion, love and attention. Of course I would like to return to set, and those projects will come back later. But if I can't change anything about a situation, why worry about it?

"From a very young age I learned that there are not many certainties in life, I adapt easily to unexpected circumstances. There is one thing I can't stand, and that is feeling powerless. I never want to be the victim of a situation, I will always think: what can I do myself? Which way can I go? I have often enough stood with my back against the wall, I will always find a way out and take matters into my own hands."

So Schoenaerts decided to use this period to put Zenith - his artist name as a street artist - to hard work. Since the lockdown he has already created nine impressive murals, including one in the courtyard of the Oudenaarde prison, and one at the beginning of this month in the Antwerp Begijnenstraat, on the bare walls that form their furthest horizon for the prisoners. A moving event, he says. Not only by the touching conversations with inmates, and the forty-minute applause with which the prisoners welcomed him. "The mural contains a poem by my father. While I am there painting those beautiful words of my dad on the wall, I suddenly remember that my mom used to give meditation lessons to the prisoners there in the Begijnenstraat. I had completely forgotten about that until I stood there. How beautiful that is. Suddenly I felt my parents very tangible, very close to me."

It's a bit funny: a long time ago you were arrested for graffiti, now they invite you to prison to make a mural.

"I used to tag a lot, but I really don't like the vandalism that sometimes comes with graffiti. Defacing a facade, that's just ridiculous. But trains, bridges, tunnels.... frankly I think that's the max. Soon I'm going to do another oldskool graffiti wall, with some friends, back to the roots. But with permission, yes."

Scary dudes

The problems of the Belgian detention system are well known: outdated infrastructure, overcrowding and a system of pre-trial detention which means that some people are innocently stuck for years. Schoenaerts: "These are human lives that are destroyed by the Belgian state, isn't that scandalous?"

Schoenaerts' engagement started years ago, after meeting Hans Claus, prison director in Oudenaarde, who contacted him when he wanted to organize a screening of Le Fidèle, the film by Michaël R. Roskam starring Schoenaerts. Claus has been fighting for many years for a reform of our detention system, among others with the non-profit organization De Huizen, small-scale centers that are more focused on rehabilitation and reintegration of the detainee. How does Schoenaerts see his role? "Those murals are a kind of lubricant for me, to get attention for this problem. I am not the expert and I am certainly not a politician. This injustice touches me as a human being, and my message is clear: please listen to the people who have been working hard for decades to reform the system from the inside."

In The Mustang, your last feature film to be seen here before the lockdown, you take on the role of a prisoner who learns to tame wild horses and his demons. Has that role changed your vision?

"That rehabilitation program with mustangs really exists, and the chance of recidivism is almost zero percent. I had a conversation in the Begijnenstraat with the minister of Justice Vincent Van Quickenborne (Open Vld, ed.), and he told me that the chance of relapse here is 40 to 50 percent. Isn't that madness?

"That's what fascinates me most of all: what do we do with those detainees while they're stuck? How can we help to break the destructive patterns that put them in prison? Imprisonment is a punishment in itself, but someday we'll send those people back into society, so let's mainly support them in their self-development.

"In preparation for The Mustang, I visited prisons in the U.S., and talked to men who had been detained for 20, 30 years. Heavy guys: Aryan Brotherhood (powerful crime syndicate of neo-Nazis in American prisons, ed.), Mexican gang leaders... real scary dudes. You know what those say to me? That they live in fear every day, but they must not show weakness. Psychological counseling and things like that have their value, but that's often very cerebral. I especially believe in the healing power of art. Imagine that inmates can express all those fucked up emotions through art: I think that there is an enormous potential in this."

I heard you're playing with the idea of giving acting lessons to inmates?

"That's not a concrete plan yet, but I would love it if people from the creative sector would commit themselves to this: musicians, sculptors, dancers. Or writers who help prisoners put their own story into words.

"The cultural sector needs to start sticking its neck out. The sector is lying flat, and that's terrible. But we have to keep moving. We can all do something for the community, without being paid for it. Planting small seeds, doing something good for your fellow man, something beautiful always comes out of it."

Had you been to a prison before The Mustang?

"To visit friends, yes. In Merksplas, Hoogstraten, Hasselt, Dendermonde... We shouldn't talk about that any further. A prison is deep tristesse. Who dares to call that 'a hotel', shame on you."

This summer you painted an impressive mural in Paris in honor of George Floyd, murdered by American officers. And in Ostend last week a new mural was unveiled, with a 'decapitated' Leopold II. Is activism an important part of your street art?

"Graffiti used to be more of a style exercise for me, you want to create things that get noticed within the scene. But gradually I felt like communicating with a wider audience. I like to incorporate a lot of symbolism in my paintings, such as the cracks I photograph all over the world and then magnify them in another place. And the praying hands, a universal image of hope and faith in yourself. Art has the power to speak to our deepest emotions, and that is what binds us to the other. Connectedness, empathy, harmony, solidarity, that's the essence for me."

The corona crisis is one big exercise in empathy and solidarity. Sometimes we seem to lack that.

"I refuse to surrender to cynicism, and I surround myself with positive people who do beautiful things for others. This period would lead us to insights: how do we deal with each other? Do we help each other, or is it every man for himself? A human is such a wonderful creature, but we mess it up so much for ourselves.

"Yeah, I know. Some people who read this will think: this guy is smoking too many joints. (laughs) I don't smoke joints, and I'm not an unworldly idealist. But I will always focus my attention on the good, in spite of everything."

If you always want to see the good in people, are you sometimes disappointed?

"Yes, of course. I'm not a naive brat, I've learned to guard my boundaries. I can't please everyone all the time, and I don't let anyone rush me. I react badly when people put pressure on me because they want things from me. The perception of me that others have of me, I can't control. I don't let myself put out of balance easily anymore."

I saw that on your Instagram Stories you warned about fake profiles on social media, of people pretending to be you. That made you visibly angry.

"Really, that makes me angry. Every day I receive screenshots from people who have been tricked by crooks who approach innocent victims with my name and my pictures. There are stories of fans who have paid thousands of euros because they were promised a meet-and-greet with me. How disgusting is that? One person has transferred 14,000 euros to someone who pretended to be my manager.

"Of course, that raises questions about how gullible some people can be. But I've seen those chat conversations for myself: those criminals are terribly sneaky. They know how to play on the vulnerabilities of their victims in a very cunning way. This is manipulation and swindle of the filthiest kind.

"Really, I get physically unwell when I think about it. How can someone be so mean? If I ever catch these guys, I'm gonna bash their skulls in, I'm not kidding. Sorry."

Or: those crooks get a jail sentence, where you're going to give them acting lessons.

(laughs) "Okay, let it be clear that I think everyone should be punished for their crimes. My commitment to the prison system is not a plea for impunity, and I certainly don't want to romanticize crime.

"But when someone abuses innocent people's trust in such a cunning way, the question is: how did you derail so morally? And above all: how can we initiate a transformation in that person? Surely you can't lock someone up and expect that person to suddenly make better choices years later? First such a person has to take responsibility for his own actions."

Do you have something criminal on your conscience?

"No." (Thinks for a second) "No. Thank God. I couldn't live with that.

"I've probably hurt people in my life, like everybody else. Sometimes we just hurt people because of who we are, or because we can't fulfill what others want from us. But I have never harmed anyone consciously or criminally, no."

As a teenager you sometimes came into contact with the juvenile court, for vandalism. Do you think you could have ended up on the other side of the bars?

"Probably, a life can take strange turns sometimes."

What made you sit here today, and not get on the 'wrong' path?

"Wait... that's a good question. There's the one terrible dramatic event that caused a total turnaround in my life: when my dad went into a coma after a psychosis, and I was told he only had 24 hours left to live.

"I was 21 then, thrown out of school for the umpteenth time. I was doing graffiti and wanted to find my way creatively. But I was messing around, going with friends who... Anyway, there was latent danger, it threatened to go a little bit the wrong way.

"And then I got that phone call: come and say goodbye. Bam. The relationship with my father had been sour for years, we hardly saw each other. Until I stood there at his deathbed in intensive care... I only felt love, a wave of emotions that I had pushed down very deeply. That realization was rock-hard: this was it. My father and I will never get the chance to figure shit out, I thought.

"Long story, the rest is known: after 72 hours my father woke up from a coma against all odds. Like a plant: he could not speak, reacted to nothing or nobody. According to the chief psychiatrist, we had to accept that his condition would never improve. That was without the fighting spirit of my mother and me.

"It's because of that unlikely event that I've changed my whole lifestyle. For eight months, my mother and I went to visit my father every day. We talked to him, but he seemed to look straight through us. For hours we sat with him at the psychiatry department of Stuivenberg, how desperate those first months were also. We continued to fight, taught him to talk, to eat, to walk. A miracle, the doctors called it. Bullshit of course. It was love, dedication and stubbornness. Especially thanks to my mother, the lioness who kept fighting for him. And see how much beauty came out of it. My life then received an entirely different impulse.

"I suddenly think of an anecdote I've never told before. After a while we were allowed to take my father to the cafeteria once in a while, or to the garden. But he was absolutely not allowed to leave the hospital. Fuck it. I hid a bag of clothes for him, secretly dressed him in the toilet and took my father to the city. By bus, because I didn't have a driver's license. I wanted to stimulate his senses, test if any memories would come back. He was fond of Our Lady's Cathedral, so that's where I wanted to take him."

Matthiaske, why am I crying?

He plays it out. The written version here is only a dead script compared to the lived-through performance, right there on that dark square, just around the corner of the Arenbergschouwburg, where Matthias made his stage debut as a 9-year-old boy next to father Julien, as The Little Prince.

Matthias shows how he supported his frail dad, and how they shuffled in small, careful steps towards the cathedral. Dad looking at the ground to be sure not to fall. "I say, 'Dad, look up'. He looks up, and I see the tears rolling down his cheeks. I had never seen my father cry. 'Matthiaske,' he says, 'can you tell me why I'm crying?'

"I had already decided then that I would take my father into my house. Overconfident, yes, at that age, but they have become the most beautiful years of my life. Mom came by every day to help. Suddenly we were a bit of a family again, something we had only been for a short time when I was young."

It was at that time that you decided to become an actor. Why did you decide to become an actor?

"I had always resisted following in my father's footsteps. In my youth I mainly wanted to break away from my father, and seek my own path. I didn't want to have anything to do with him and all those loudmouths around him in the theater world. But most of all I was terrified that compared to the great Julien Schoenaerts I would never be good enough.

"Only now do I understand why I then decided to go to the conservatory. Not to become an actor, but to understand my father. We had so many years together, and now that we had been given a second chance, I wanted to get to know him as well as possible. By acting, maybe I could get closer to him." (pauses)

Sentimental fuss

He banishes the tears. It's one of the many things he has in common with his father, he says: they're both very emotional, but they hate sentimental fuss. "Come on, Matthias: breathe," he commands himself.

"Voilà, see how much beauty can come out of misery. What a chain of beautiful things came out of the fight my mother and I put up in the most hopeless situation. Who knows how differently my life would have turned out?"

"There are so many lessons in that. If we just talked about the rehabilitation of detainees, for example. It takes commitment. Not a workshop of two hours. You have to persevere, even in the event of a setback, with no guarantee of a happy ending. That's why I think it's so important to keep telling that story about my dad. Those are the values I believe in: dedication, stamina, attention, love. You can apply that to everything in life. Love is the fuel."

You often talk about your parents as if you want to keep them alive with your words.

"Because my mom and dad are the people I've loved most. With them I shared the most important moments, built the most beautiful memories. That loss is enormous. Life has been really fucking tough since they've been gone.

"That's what grabs me so much in this period. How many people have died of corona in Belgium?"

According to Google, today, on the day of the interview, the counter stands at almost 14,000 deaths.

"Fourteen thousand! Imagine how many people that has an impact on? How many people have suddenly lost their mother, father, brother, sister, best friend or neighbor? Behind those figures lie tens of thousands of poignant stories, of people who see a loved one torn from their lives. That is a mountain of unresolved grief, and far too little attention is paid to it."

Earlier during our conversation a guy had walked past coughing and maskless. It pissed Schoenaerts off: "And whining about masks or strict measures. Grow some fucking balls. Having to say goodbye to a loved one, that's the worst thing."

"Isn't that what this period teaches us? That our time here is limited? And what really counts in life: sharing moments of beauty with the people you hold most dear. All the rest is wallpaper. Having success, making movies, that's all fun. But the day you lie on your deathbed, you really don't think about the professional successes on your resume. No way."

[binniedeactivated]

saint. || soobin (3.1)🌪

pairing: soobin x reader genre: au  word count; 3k

“wow, you’ve really been studying a lot haven’t you?”. you say, seeing soobin’s notebook splayed out on the bed filled with notes that you had no supervision on. you were shocked to know that he took the time to study by himself. he was really taking things seriously. soobin nods, 

“i want to pass”. 

“it sure looks like it. you’re going to do more than pass with all this knowledge”. 

soobin laughs, “good. maybe I’ll earn the ski trip”. 

“ski trip?”. you question, having absolutely no clue as to what he was referring to. 

“yeonjun told me that everyone who does good on the exams earns a ski trip as an incentive”. 

you were kind of amazed, “wow. that sounds fun. when did our school start doing stuff like that? they must really want us to pass”. 

“definitely. and I think if everyone doesn’t do well the school’s going to be shut down. so I already know my parents are to blame”. 

you roll your eyes and smile a bit, writing down your chemistry notes to study. “must be nice having money”. 

“stop saying that. you have money too now”. 

“really? where?”. 

“right here”. 

you shake your head and laugh. soobin eyes you before going back to write his notes. 

“seriously why don’t you ask me for money? you never ask”. 

“you want me to?”.

soobin nods as if it were a stupid question. “yes”. 

“why?”. 

“because why not? I think every boyfriend does”.

“I love how you just call yourself my boyfriend in front of my mom and now that counts as us being an official couple”. 

soobin laughs and takes your hand. you look at him like he was the biggest joke in the world. “what are you doing?”. you say trying not to laugh. soobin was holding in laughter also while attempting to look at you seriously in your eyes. 

“do you want to be my girlfriend?”.

“i hate you soobin”. you laugh. 

“I’m serious I’m serious stop making me laugh”. 

you roll your eyes playfully. “fine. I guess I can be your girlfriend”. 

“good. are we an official couple now?”. 

you sigh scrawling your pen against your paper pretending to be frustrated. “I guess we are an official couple now soobin”. 

“you’re always trying to act like you don’t like me”. soobin laughs again, flipping his notebook page to finish the rest of the notes on the backside. 

“because if i act like I’m in love with you then things will be cringy”.

soobin lays his head on his hand, staring at you. 

“are you in love with me?”. 

you try not to blush. keeping your eyes on your own paper. his stare was eating you alive. 

“of course not”. you mumble jokingly. soobin chuckles. 

“your first time lying to me and this is what you waste it on?”.

you continue laughing leaving his rhetorical question floating in the air. he was still staring at you lovingly. 

“tell me the truth. because I’m in love with you. and I’m not afraid to admit it”.

“why are you in love with me? I’m not shaming you I just kind of find it odd--I’m just a church girl. living a normal middle class teenage catholic life. there’s nothing special about me. and here you are every girl’s dream. you’re rich. good looking. everyone wants to be you. why me? I’m nothing”.

“do you really think I can fall in love with someone whose nothing?”. 

you sigh. “I don’t want to put all my eggs in one basket. I’m scared of getting my hopes up and then one day you just leave. there’s so many girls out there that’s better. look better and dress better. and you can get with every single one of them if you wanted”. you ranted and you didn’t mean to take it this far but it’s honestly how you felt. you couldn’t help it. 

soobin presses his warm hand against your cheek. “why are you getting so upset, princess?”. 

“I don’t know”. you utter being swarmed in a sea of vulnerability. 

“I’m not going to leave you. and if I did who would I even leave you for? some girl who only wants sex and clout from me?”.

“what about the ones who are looking for a relationship?”.

“I’m too in love to care”. 

you sigh again, giving him pitiful eyes. being the cheesy person he was leans in and kisses you. that didn’t stop you from liking it though. 

“I only want you i swear. now please admit to being in love with me because I’m tired of waiting for your answer”. soobin says gradually laughing. you smile a bit breaking out of your sadness. his reassurance was what you needed. to be this deep into a relationship and him leaving you? it was your biggest fear. 

“I may or may not be”. you joked. soobin sucks his teeth playfully. 

“fine don’t admit it then. guess you won’t be getting a car for Christmas”. 

“soobin?”. 

“yes?”. he grinned while continuing his notes, knowing he caught you by surprise there. 

“a car?!”. 

“you heard me”. 

“don’t buy me that it’s way too expensive”.

“i’m totally going to obey your command”. 

“soobin I’m serious”. 

“so am I”. 

“how am I even going to explain that to my parents? they’re going to think I did something for it”. 

“something like what?”. soobin asks knowing exactly what you were getting at. 

“you know. they’re going to think I had sex with you or something for you to buy me such expensive gifts”. soobin waited and laughed once you finally said it. 

“that’s hot. they think you’re like a little churchy prostitute”. you childishly punch his arm. “that’s hot to you?”. 

“if it’s you doing it then yes”. 

“how is having sex with someone for gifts and money hot?”.

“I just like the idea of you being a whore for me”.

you laugh, wondering what else went on in soobin’s mind. 

“you know--like the outfit you wore when you came over my house for the first time--god i wanted to devour you”. 

“oh yeah? why didn’t you say anything?”.

“because you were most likely going to punch me. you didn’t know me yet”. 

“I still don’t. I’m still learning”. 

yeah, but you know enough about me now”. 

“I wouldn’t say all that. how do I know you’re not some serial killer deep down?”. 

“you sat on my face last night I’m pretty sure that whole ‘secretly a serial killer’ bullshit is out the window at this point”. 

you laugh loudly, “soobin!”. 

“you also didn’t call me soobin you called me daddy”. 

“alright that’s enough!”. the both of you laugh in perfect sync. interrupting it was his mother obnoxiously calling him from downstairs. soobin promises you his return before he goes to stand at the top of the stairs answering her. 

“yes?”. he says kind of annoyed. 

“me and your father have a conference to attend. our flight leaves soon. if I come back and find out you’ve studied nothing words can’t explain your punishment. don’t just sit around this house making nothing of yourself”. 

soobin rolls his eyes, “where is your conference being held?”.

“france”.

“for how long this time?”. 

“why are you asking meaningless questions? did you hear what I said?”.

“it’s not meaningless if you guys just came back and spent less than 8 hours in the house with me before you leave again”. 

“soobin don’t start. we’re leaders and we are also missionaries. you know what is required of us”. 

“what about me?”. 

“what about you? study and make yourself useful for something soobin. we were glad finally seeing you out with the sports team and doing things that don’t require a suspension”. 

soobin’s breathing pattern changes swiftly. he could hear the nonchalantness in her tone and he hated it with a passion. 

“study and make myself useful and then what? so you both can come home and beat me and yell at me anyways?”. 

his fathers enters the foyer pointing his finger up at soobin. 

“watch your volume”. 

“for what! for what whose going to hear me?”. 

“for respect soobin! don’t make me come up these stairs”. his father threatens. 

“why should I respect you both if you guys barely respect me?!”. 

“what are you talking about you have a house to live in don’t you? you have cars you have nice clothes you have gourmet food to eat and your bank account surpasses any number of ever seen in my life. you have nothing to complain about you need to be grateful!”. his mother spat. 

“yes you’re right thank you mom thank you dad for subtracting the parental love I could’ve gotten in my life and supplementing it with material things! I appreciate it so much!”.

“what did I tell you about saying that? huh?! we love you. this is tough love”. his father replies. soobin ball his fists. 

“that’s bullshit you’re only saying that because you don’t want anyone in this town to know that the two people they respect so much don’t give a damn about their son! half the shit that you do you only do it so I can never say that I don’t have anything”.

“soobin watch your mouth!”. he father growls. 

“it’s true just fucking admit it and stop getting angry!”

soobin spat harshly and his dad was about to take off up the stairs in a fit of rage until his mother pulled him back. 

“our flight leaves in less than a half hour we have to be at the airport. we can deal with him later”. his dad nods and points his finger at soobin again. 

“consider yourself lucky”. he stated before clutching his suitcase. his mom clutches hers and they both approach the door. she shoots a disgusting look at him. 

“maybe this getaway will help you clean up your act”. she muttered and closed the door behind him.

“What about me!?”. soobin stands at the top of the stairs still yelling.

“your getaways don’t help! they never fucking did!”. he could feel his heart racing and his cheeks growing hot.

“just say you don’t really love me. thats all you have to do”. he croaks without even realizing he was crying. 

you’d been in his room overhearing the whole argument but unable to come out due to you not supposed to even being there in the first place. so you kept silent until you heard the front door shut. you snuck out of soobin’s bedroom to see him down the hallway still yelling, so it was hard to tell if it’s parents really left or not. you approach his tall frame timidly, touching his shoulder. 

“soobin?”. he palms his face sniffling. you wrap your arms around his torso and glance up at him. 

“it’s going to be okay alright? they don’t deserve you. you’ve made mistakes in your life and sure you weren’t the best behaved kid but you are still theirs and they should treat you as such”. 

“I hate them. I fucking hate them both”. 

“soobin don’t say that”. 

“I will say it. because they don’t care about me”.

“look at me”. 

soobin sighs, removing his hands from his wet eyes to glare down at you. he looked so miserable when he cried and you hated it. you’d only ever like to see him happy and laughing. this was cruel. 

“I’m in love with you, okay?”. you say, reaching up to help him dry his eyes. 

“do you mean that?”. he replies. 

“yes I do mean it”. 

“good because I fucking knew it”. soobin admits with a straight face until you playfully slap his chest and laugh. it was a relief to see his reddened face contort into a smile. 

╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱

“babe! hurry up!”. soobin yells from the living room couch. he had the movie ready and he was just waiting for you to cuddle with him. you figured you couldn’t leave him alone while he felt like this. so you gave your parents your usual excuse for being out so late. 

you promised soobin you’d do anything to help him feel better and guess what he requested? you guessed it. 

four peanut butter and jelly sandwiches specially made by you. and of course the big baby was being impatient. you rushed and slabbed the layer of peanut butter on the last slice and sat all the sandwiches on the plate. 

you carefully walked into the living room with it and soobin started the movie. you sat criss-crossed between his legs on the couch, trying to hand the plate off to him. 

“feed me”, he begs. you turn your body and face him. “you’re a big baby do you know that?”. soobin smirks knowingly. you rip a piece of one sandwich and hold it up to his lips which he munches on adorably. you feed him a few more pieces and watch the crumbs fall from his lips. 

“you’re the only person I know that can get fed and still make a mess”. you use a hand to dust the crumbs off of his lips and hoodie. 

“you’re such a mom”. 

“and you’re such a baby”. 

“your baby right?”. you sigh trying not to blush once again. 

“cmon. it’s okay to admit it”. 

“I’m not going to make things cringy soobin”. you mumble and he immediately tackles you down on the couch playfully. 

“soobin you’re going to make me drop all of these sandwiches on the floor!”. you laugh.

“admit I’m your baby”. he laughs. 

he face was inches from yours. he looked so cute and cuddly in his big sweater and hood over his head. you pulled one of his drawstrings. 

“fine. you’re my baby”. soobin smiles and softly kisses you. 

“you forgot to get me something to drink with my food. I’m going to suffocate from this peanut butter”. 

you laugh, “you didn’t ask for anything to drink”. 

“I know. I should’ve asked for milk”.

“see, that’s your mistake not mine”. 

soobin thinks for a moment before grinning. “i mean--if i wanted some milk I can just--”. he interrupted himself just to snake his hand up your shirt and massage your boob. you cackled loudly. 

“soobin!”. 

and your mornings were usual. this time around though you were encouraging soobin. he’d be taking his first history exam today. 

“remember you got this. you are smart. you can do anything and you studied really hard for this”. you remind prior to kissing him. “I believe in you”. you added. you went into your classroom and let soobin put his skills to the test. he was even more inspired now that he had you rooting for him. 

“I tried to call you yesterday but either your phone was dead or you didn’t pay your phone bill”. taehyun admitted. 

“my phone bill is paid. my phone was probably dead”. you lied. you were declining his calls to keep from soobin’s wrath. 

“we can study today after school if you’re down. I don’t have anything to do and plus the exam is coming up soon”. 

damn. you couldn’t say no to his face. could you? 

“yeah that’s fine. library?”. you ask. 

“yeah that’s cool”. taehyun shortly replies. all the while you were wondering how the hell you were going to continue studying with taehyun behind soobin’s back. it wasn’t like you were cheating on him or anything. just studying. maybe soobin was being too overprotective. 

soobin adjusts his backpack strap and attempts recalling his notes in his head while he walked to his classroom. 

“ayo? you ready?”. yeonjun asked catching up to him

“hell yeah. I actually studied”.

“good. I uhh- kind of have some news for you though”. 

“what is it?”. 

“they found more evidence on the hotel case”.

“shit. why the hell would you tell me that right now?”.

“I’m trying to tell you all the shit I know before anything comes up later so you can be prepared”. 

“how do you know this shit anyways? do you have a part time job at the police station or something?”. 

“I have my connections. and i’ve been following it to make sure they don’t try and frame me”. 

“why would they frame you?”. 

yeonjun shrugs, “I was acting pretty hostile during interrogation. but still”.

“I don’t have time for this shit”. 

“yeah that’s probably why you still haven’t told your girlfriend”.

“don’t start yeonjun”. 

yeonjun shrugs again, “I’m just saying. you keep dragging this shit out she’s going to fuck around and leave you”. 

[foundthe8wing]

I know exactly what I mean when I say “the dndads team is endangering minors in their spaces,” but I think from the outside, seeing that sentiment repeated, it’s easy to interpret it as rhetoric or as something like “if you’ve ever mentioned the existence of sex you’re a danger to children” when that isn’t the argument here at all. So I want to do my best to lay out why we call it dangerous.

CW: discussion of grooming (a bit more specifically than in previous posts of mine)

For context, these are the rules for the dndads patron server, at least as of October 4:

[ID: a discord message from Freddie:

In order to keep this a safe and welcoming community, we have some rules and guidelines everyone must follow.

If you need help or if anyone makes you uncomfortable (in chat or in DMs), the mods are here for you! You can ping them in the chat by using @/moderator, message the group using @/ModMail, or if you’d prefer to discuss a matter privately 1-on-1, you can also PM the community manager @/Ash or moderators directly.

Listen to the mods! They enforce the rules. Infractions are handled on a case-by-case basis. Breaking the rules will result in you being muted for a duration determined by severity and infraction history. 

We’ve enabled nicknamed editing on the server, so please feel free to append your preferred pronouns at the end of your username.

Always remember these basic guidelines:

This is an 18+ space. Per Patreon’s policy, you must be 18+ or have parental permission.

Keep conversation polite. NSFW content is not allowed!

Stay on topic! If you find yourself drifting off topic, move to another channel. When in doubt, go to #shoot-the-breeze or #shoot-the-breeze-2 /End ID]

You’ll note the policy against NSFW content, but damn, I don’t know what kind of world they live in where linking kink tests and writing erotica are SFW activities. Definitely wouldn’t fly at my job, I’ll tell you that. Anyway.

I’m not saying that everyone who’s ever discussed sex in the presence of a minor is a predator, or that these discussions are always, definitely a slippery slope to kids getting groomed. But I’m saying that when the cast says things like “Grant has never jerked off in that house” and “there’s so much sexual tension between Bella and Dr. Cullen” and “Glenn definitely looks through Nick’s porn history,” among other things; and when they then allow people to regularly discuss sex acts and share kink test results and erotica in their server (yes, even if it’s meant as a joke), they’re making it much easier for predators to approach minors, and much harder for those minors to then be able to tell when lines are being crossed. 

You know the saying about how you can boil a frog and it won’t hop out of the pot as long as you heat it up slowly? The server is getting uncomfortably warm, and it makes it that much easier for someone to turn it up a few degrees in private. It contributes to things like, for example, 9th grade me not pushing back when a then-20-year old made comments on all the “sexual tension” between me and one of my classmates (in response to me telling a story from when we were eleven). 

I believe that if a 14-year-old in a position like the one I was in said “hey, this person keeps asking invasive sexual questions and I’m uncomfortable,” the mods would do something (though whether it’d be handled well is still questionable), but I don’t feel confident that that hypothetical kid has a good reason to believe that’s the case. If I was in a similar situation, I can’t cite anything that would make me feel like I’d be supported and have my concerns addressed, or that would validate my discomfort with the situation, and I can actually point to a lot of things that send the opposite message. 

Because if that kid takes a look around the server and sees that plenty of adults here are bringing up sexual topics in this all-ages space anyway, that no one in charge is objecting to users sexually discussing 13-year-old characters, that Anthony considers “why, did the podcast make you nut” a perfectly acceptable thing to say unprompted . . . it doesn’t give a great impression that whoever they approach will take them seriously if they ask for help. It doesn’t give them a good basis for trusting their instinct that something is off with the way they’re being spoken to. That piece is vital, and it’s where the cast, community manager, and moderators have failed over and over and over. 

Simply saying “if anyone makes you uncomfortable (in chat or in DMs), the mods are here for you!” isn’t sufficient when it’s not coupled with a direct statement that adults approaching minors about sexual topics isn’t okay. It’s not cool for adults to be having explicit conversations with or around minors. There is no good reason for an adult to be asking or speculating about a minor’s sexual behaviors, or discussing their own sex life with minors, or sharing/discussing explicit media with them. Make that clear. It’s not the kid’s job to automatically know this; it’s your job to tell them. 

(Which isn’t to say that an action has to definitively cross that line in order for someone to express discomfort-- “these things aren’t okay, and if you’re unsure, you can reach out anyway” would be a good approach in my book, but the second part on its own isn’t enough.)

Right now, if a teen in the dndads server is being groomed, all of the responsibility is placed on this teen to:

Identify the fact that they’re uncomfortable (and then choose to examine that discomfort rather than immediately downplay it)

Articulate why this is bothering them

Convince themself (and, potentially, whoever they approach about it) that it’s a big enough deal to bring up at all

Speaking as someone who’s been there: it can be really fucking hard to do. But it’d be a hell of a lot easier if the cast said anything to the effect of “hey, adults shouldn’t be initiating this kind of conversation with you,” or if they made any effort to rein in the “spicier” conversations in the server. 

Adults detailing their kinks in the presence of kids isn’t cool, even if none of those kids say they’re uncomfortable. I need an indication that a single person managing the dndads patron server understands that and is taking it into account. 

Nobody wants to be the killjoy who says “hey, I’m not comfortable.” Especially not in an environment where there’s a pattern of such concerns getting dismissed and belittled. Double especially when the behavior is coming from some of the most influential members of the community. It’s not fair--and not safe--to foist all of that pressure onto an uncomfortable kid, and it’s absolutely crucial that the people with power get ahead of it and take on the responsibility of calling out and shutting down unacceptable behavior.

In order to be effective, “reach out if you’re uncomfortable” needs to also be coupled with an apology for the way they’ve been conducting themselves. Because if they don’t apologize for things like the examples I listed above, for the ways their content and actions have contributed to harmful ideas about consent and about sexualizing kids, for allowing the server to exist in this state for so long, then they’re implicitly saying either that those things were okay, or that they’re above those standards. Not a great look no matter how you slice it.

TL;DR: allowing this level of sexual discussion around minors, especially in the absence of any type of messaging or warning regarding grooming, makes it easy for those minors to get preyed on. And saying “we’re here for you if you’re uncomfortable” doesn’t on its own count as actually making the server a safe or comfortable environment. 

[taeguboi]

BTS Reaction to you bumping into an ex that was emotionally manipulative / abusive

... (and in which the BTS member is your current boyfriend)

So first of all, a big fat [!]Warning[!] about the themes about abuse - it’s not like highly descriptive or visual, just mentions about it but I don’t want to upset anyone. 

Like seriously, please don’t make yourself read this because it’s BTS themed or because you think you should force yourself to read something like this when you aren’t ready too. Sending much love to everyone who might have had similar experiences <3 

EDIT: here’s my Reactions Masterlist if you would like to pick out some content to read that’s more your jam :)

RM

Calms you down

You see your ex one day when you and Namjoon are just walking down the street before a nice stroll in the park. Today was supposed to be about you relaxing and forgetting about all of life’s problems but you can’t help but feel a bit sick in the stomach at the sight of your ex who was very emotionally abusive and manipulative. He’s right there in the near distance; across the road but heading in your direction. You start thinking all sorts of negative thoughts about yourself like maybe he was right about your appearance, weight or ambitions… 

Without you even saying a word, your current boyfriend Namjoon just knows there is something the matter. Just a second ago you were extremely chatty and having a laugh and all that, and the next thing he knows, you’ve gone silent, so pale, almost grey, in the face. 

He looks around, in front of the two of you, behind, then finally as he turns back, he can see across the road, a lonely figure. From description, he initially wonders if it’s this ex you opened up to him about even though you still haven’t said a word about it right now.

The aim here for Joon is to stay calm and ensure that this doesn’t get made into a scene. For now, at least he thinks so anyway, the ex hasn’t caught sight of the two of you yet. But in order for this to have a chance at being handled well, he needs you to talk to him (to Joon).

“Um… is that…?”

“Afraid so” you reply.

“Don’t worry about it honey, all you have to do is have a normal conversation with me, yeah?”

“Okay” you utter.

And that’s exactly what the two of you do. He asks you about how your work / studies are going and you manage to think just about straight enough to send calm, constructed replies and the two of you even get a giggle in when your boyfriend responds to something you just said with a joke.

In the corner of your eye, just as you are laughing with Namjoon, you can faintly see the figure walking across the road, now passing you. It seems Namjoon’s idea worked. The ex doesn’t seem to have any intentions of talking to you and as a bonus, he looks unhappy at the sight of you with someone else. You moved on and now he knows you are happier than you used to be. Just the kind of closure you didn’t realise you needed.

Jin

The defensive boyfriend

As your best friend even before the two of you got together, Jin was always very protective of you. In fact, he was your ex boyfriend’s worst nightmare, not that the latter would have ever admitted that to you.

Your ex was… let’s say not the nicest of human beings in the world, and whenever an argument arose - usually caused by this ex - the subject of Seokjin would always arise. Constantly, you were accused of cheating on him with Jin or that you spent more time with Jin, and so on… You ultimately plucked up the courage to break up with him when Jin agreed to be present when you had the conversation to break things off.

Fast forward about 6 months and you’ve been together with Jin for about 2 months now after finally getting over the trauma you experienced and allowing yourself to think about other people in a romantic way.

But just as life for you finally seemed to be turning around, the sight of your ex really put a cramp on your day. There you were just minding your own business in the supermarket, and he just so happened to be shopping in the same place at the same time.

Immediately Jin notices who is nearby and wants to go up to him and tell him to leave you alone, but you insist that he doesn’t act rashly just incase the ex actually doesn’t even bat an eyelid at the sight of you two; for all you and Jin know, he could just honestly be shopping there and not around only to bother you. This could be a coincidence.

However, a few minutes after spotting him and when the two of you are browsing the veg aisle, really putting some thought into what you’d like to cook this week, you can’t shake this feeling that your ex is sort of… lingering… and it sends a unpleasant shiver down your spine, causing you to twitch.

Jin, sharp as ever, notices this sudden movement you make and your ex happens to catch his sight. He could have sworn he was there like 5 minutes ago. And there’s nothing in his basket STILL. What’s he playing at…?

You give Jin a look though, giving him the message that you don’t want any trouble and he nods to show that there won’t be any trouble. Instead, he just gives your ex a hard glare, giving the message without using words that he should probably stop this suspicious business. Jin would never let anything bad happen to you and it seems he warded away the ex boyfriend for the rest of your shopping trip, the rest of your day and hopefully the rest of your life.

Suga

He won’t give trouble as long as he doesn’t get trouble

You were a bit shook when you were out alone one day. You were just walking back home from a friend’s house when you saw your ex. Now, you weren’t sure if he had seen you, but just you seeing him was enough for you to feel like your lungs were about to go into overdrive.

Hands shaking, you reached into your pocket and hit Yoongi’s number, being sure to whisper as you tell him what’s going on.

“Hey, y/n! I was actually just about to...”

“Yoongs, he’s here” you tell him a little breathlessly

“Hey, hey, calm down and start over” he says, his voice having a bit of a soothing effect on you

“Okay, so you remember... do you remember when a while back, I told you that thing? The thing about my last relationship...” and you’re trying your absolute hardest to keep the breathing pattern regular

“Yeah, of course... what’s the matter?”

“Can you come meet me... please? Like could you just walk up the street as if we were walking up to [y/f/n]’s house?”

“Yeah, sure, sure... Is there any way of telling me what’s happened sweetie?”

“Um, yeah, I think... Um... Well, about what I just said....” You beat around the bush a little, worried that your ex might be within hearing distance. “About what I just said... I can see him; it’s him”

Yoongi immediately hangs up and pretty much races down the route you asked him to go to come find you.

To your relief, it only takes your boyfriend a matter of minutes to find you, now much calmer than you had sounded over the phone. It seems the ex was out of sight now and once you think about it a bit more rationally, you’re quite sure he didn’t see you anyway and you tell your boyfriend you feel silly for causing such a fuss.

Yoongi doesn’t mind though. He will always be there for you. Though Yoongi didn’t come across your ex this time, he imagines some scenarios in which he could just get the opportunity to talk to him. There’s questions. What is wrong with that brain of his? Did he consider therapy? How could he treat anyone like that let alone the wonderful being that is you?

And although no trouble happened in this situation, if there is ever a time this ex tries anything with you, Yoongi knows he will be there to defend you. If the ex is civil, Yoongi will be civil. If there’s trouble, then your ex will probably regret his actions.

J-Hope

“Nope, she’s not here...”

You had another bad nightmare again and had asked Hoseok to stay the night with you. Whilst it felt a bit odd roaming the streets at 1am, he didn’t mind coming to comfort you.

He let himself in with the key you gave him and everything felt great again. A sudden knock on the door makes you both jump and your boyfriend Hoseok offers to answer it for you because a) you’re still in a bit of shock about the dream and b) this is an odd time for someone to be knocking on your door...

Since you were both in your living room, you’re sat pretty close to the door, within hearing distance anyway. Your heart sinks when you hear the voice other than your boyfriends in conversation.

“Uh, oh, is y/n here?” you can hear him asking. You don’t believe it. You thought that was the end when you broke up ages ago and that he’d quit bothering you.

“Who’s asking?” replies Hoseok, being certain not to reveal anything too soon.

“I’m [your ex’s name]... I’m uh... a friend of hers...” 

Hoseok knew instantly who he was talking to as soon as he heard the name. Whilst the two had never met, you had recently opened up to Hoseok about your past.

“Y/n you say?” replies your boyfriend, playing dumb.

“Yeah, I...”

“Well, I don’t know if this y/n was nocturnal or something but she moved out. A couple of months ago... did she not tell you that as her friend?” he challenges but still pretending to be some unknowing tenant of the house.

“Oh, right...” sighs [your ex] unsure what his next move is. “Did she leave like any details of where she moved, like a place to forward her mail, or...?”

“Afraid not fella. Have a good night anyway” Hoseok tells him, warding him away now.

Shutting the door behind him and coming back into the living room, you can’t speak. All you can do is stare at your boyfriend in shock at the ex’s appearance and mouth ‘no fucking way’ and he can see the worry on your face. He instantly comes to cuddle you on the sofa as you get emotional but he reassures you that [your ex] won’t be bothering you anymore any time soon. After all, thanks to Hobi, your ex now believes you no longer live at the address he thought you did.

Jimin

It’s all about the future

Jimin hated to see you feeling this way. Worried, emotional, even scared. There were an increasing number of incidents in which you had passed your ex: the one that flipped your world upside down and took everything away from you that was in your personality - your confidence, your self-esteem, the lot.

You had started to get back on your feet but you couldn’t shirk the feeling that either you were being followed or there was these set of coincidences that meant you saw your ex at the local shop, the park, and on one occasion, work.

So Jimin made it his duty, his mission, to help you move on. He believed that your best defence against this situation, to ward this dude off, was to show him how happy you are now, or at least show you’ve moved on. Once your ex gets the message that you’re no longer available, he won’t be as interested in the idea of pursuing you, right?

Jimin starts by just taking you on days out just because, you know, to make new memories with him. Sometimes he takes you out of town and sometimes, he takes you to some of the places you went to with your ex but at first it’s only the places that don’t hold strong memories like that one takeaway down the road that you maybe went to twice ever or that one pet store you think you walked into once like a year ago.

Once he thinks you might be feeling more up to it, one day Jimin suggests you go to that park with him for a stroll. It’s a sunny day, you should go and appreciate the nature, but... you’re hesitant

“I don’t know Jimin, it’s just that last time I went there...”

“Exactly! The last time you went there. This time it will be us going there. I’m here for you...” he replies, coming in closer for a cuddle.

“I’m always here for you now he assures you, kissing your head.

V

Pulls you in closer

Okay I may or may not have sort of based it on this even if I wrote it like 3 years ago lmao (the post’s date is actually Feb 2017 woww)

You want to run out of the local convenience store as soon as you see your manipulative ex already in there as you enter with Taehyung. Your boyfriend keeps hold of the arm you have linked through his and you wonder why he is even making you stay.

“No, no, no, don’t worry sweetheart, you’ve got this. I’m here, yeah?”

He un-links his arm from yours and instead puts his arms around your waste, keeping you close. This both makes you feel a bit safer and gives your ex a stronger signal that you’re taken. 

With Tae’s confidence and smooth acting skills, you both manage to pretend you didn’t even see your ex and he’s none the wiser. But, just to be certain about the whole making it clear you moved on thing, whenever Tae thinks you’re both within hearing distance from your ex as you navigate the store to shop for essentials, he just makes little comments to sort of hint at the life you now have with him like

“What should we get in for dinner this evening?”

“Ah, I haven’t had this wine since we sat out in our back garden...”

Before you know it, your ex is out of sight, out of mind. Taehyung is all you need to focus on to make you feel better and to have a happier life with

Jungkook

Tells him to go away

One night, you and Jungkook were sat in watching a movie. You were waiting on the takeaway order of both your favourite pizza so you were listening out for the door.

You shoot up from the couch at the sound of the doorbell, open the door, and to your shock... there stands your ex with your order.

“Oh, um, hi...” you say.

“Yeah, hi...” he replies awkwardly

Worry fills you; you aren’t even sure you can recall your ex even mentioning a job like this. Granted, it’s been a long time but still...

“You alright?” he asks.

“Yep, great” you abruptly reply, not even caring to ask about him.

“So, it’s been a while...”

“Yep”

“Uh, can I come in?” he asks, really sending panic through your system.

“No, thank you!... Mr delivery guy” you boom, sort of being over the top in your state of panic.

Jungkook hears this from the other room and decides it’s been a while for the pizza delivery person to have only brought the pizza.

“Hello?” questions Jungkook, eyeing your ex up and down as he comes to the front entrance next to you.

“Oh, hello... I...”

Something in Jungkook just sparks because he knows exactly who this dude is as you all went to the same school together.

“Listen mate, thanks for the pizza, now I think you have better things to be doing now than harassing my girlfriend...”

“I wasn’t harassing, I was just...”

“Come on, what sort of pizza man asks to come in? No. They give the pizza,get paid and leave. We have the pizza” Jungkook tells him crossing his arms. “Now leave.” 

Your ex tries to as about the payment part but Jungkook is one step ahead “And since I’m sure you wouldn’t want your boss to know about this incident... let’s say this one’s on the house, yeah?”

You were amazed at how confident your boyfriend had suddenly become all because of this situation. Usually he was so shy, never dared even speak a bad word about his older friends.

The ex admits defeat, albeit in a huff, and walks away, allowing you to finally shut the door.

“Wow, Jungkook, that was...”

“Yeah, I don’t know what happened” he laughs nervously. “I guess it was just not seeing him after all this time and I guess I didn’t realise just how angry I was about the way he treated you, and...”

“Kookie, there’s no need to say anything. Thank you”

He never really realised he had it in him, but now he knows... he really can and will protect you.

***

I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to write about this; I think it’s just that with lock down and all that, my mind sort of casts back to weird, bad and confusing times in my life because I guess I’ve been left alone a lot with my own thoughts and then there’s the bad dreams which don’t help, and sorry that’s really enough about me, I just thought I’d explain in case anyone was wondering why I would want to make this kind of piece. Also I guess I have less angsty stuff on my blog because of all the fluff and more so the smut I wrote over the years lmao

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The 12 Step Job

leverage 1.10

Hardison (brings up map on monitors): That look like a pattern to you?

Parker: It's like Billy from "The Family Circus," If Billy was a drunken sex fiend.

eliot straight up looked at her like ?????

- - - - -

Nate: Actually, it does. He's an addict, under stress. So he's not gonna be doing a lot of exploring. He's gonna stay well within his comfort zone. He's still in LA. Oh, yeah. All right, we're gonna do this old-school. Ah, Parker, you break into his condo, see what you can find. Sophie and I will hit the retail spots. You guys go to his favorite haunts. But don't spook him, just follow him. Let him lead us to the money.

Hardison: All right?

Eliot (to Hardison): Strip Joint.

Hardison: Mmm. (to Nate) You know, I'm - I'm gonna need change for $100... in singles.

Nate: I'm sorry. What? Y-you think I have 100 singles on me?

(Eliot and Hardison walk out)

they looked at each other giddily that the con was going to take them to a strip joint and immediately asked their dad nate for money

they’re children, your honor

- - - - -

Hardison: This dude, you see him trying to force his keys onto that girl?

Eliot: Yeah. It should be the other way around, huh?

(Hurley gets into the car and starts it)

Eliot: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot. You don't know nothing about that.

Hardison: Really? I almost had it in me to wash this car. Almost.

Eliot: Ten bucks says you're washing the car.

Hardison: I know it ain’t

Eliot: I guaran- (he is cut off when a car pulls up behind Hurley as he’s backing up, and he hits it. Men get out of the car and run around to where Hurley is getting out of his car)

CHILDREN

also as soon as hardison spilled that slushie he was Dead™

(also when did they stop to get slushies ??? like did hardison beg eliot to stop at some place to get one ??? did eliot begrudgingly to it, complaining all the way but secretly not actually minding it that much ???)

- - - - -

eliot and hardison fighting goons in the parking lot ? two words: 🥰 crime boyfriends 🥰

- - - - -

Hardison: I got a gun. I got a gun.

Man: All right, man, hey, hey.

(the men back away. Hardison points the gun and shoots. The bullet goes into the engine of the men’s car, disabling it. Eliot pulls Hardison toward their car)

Eliot: Nice job blowing out the engine block.

Hardison: I was aiming for his leg.

(Eliot grabs the gun)

Eliot: Yeah give me the gun, Hardison

hardison can’t shoot for shit and it’s hilarious

- - - - -

Parker: Hi. My name is Rose. I'm a kleptomaniac. My parents are rich, but I shoplift anyway... (looks at notes on her wrist) because I hate myself.

HER NOTES ON HER WRIST LMFAO

- - - - -

making parker take the drugs without explaining the process or making her sign anything etc is unethical

- - - - -

Hardison: It-It's, uh, a computer bomb. I-I-I know computers. Computer bomb, um. We-we-we got to reboot the system. Yeah.

Eliot (stands up): You want me to kick it?

Hardison: God, I’m gonna die. No, just, look. (reaches under dash)

Eliot: Wh-wh-wh-whoa.

Hardison: J-just, no. Duck up under the hood and just tell me how it's attached to the electrical system. (pops hood)

I’ve seen meta for this scene where eliot actually obviously knows not to kick it, he’s just saying that to jumpstart hardison’s brain since he’s freaking the fuck out. and I believe that wholeheartedly.

- - - - -

Eliot: What's our margin for error here?

Hardison: About half a second.

Eliot: Run the bag of bricks by me again.

Hardison: You ready?

Eliot: No.

Hardison: Are you ready?

(Eliot reaches under the hood with a shaking hand and grabs the wires)

Eliot: Yeah

ELIOT! COULD! HAVE! JUST! LEFT!

they were a newly formed team and if worst came to worst, he could have just gotten himself to safety and have that be it. except he would NEVER do that. he’d never leave any of his team behind (especially hardison). in this scene and the one before it his hands were SHAKING because he was so scared for hardison and that hardison wouldn’t make it. eliot is the retrieval specialist and he’s the one that is supposed to get everyone home safe. he needed hardison to be safe.

- - - - -

Receptionists: Can I help you?

Eliot: You sure can. Here to see a patient of yours, Mr. Tom Baker.

Receptionists: What's your relationship?

Eliot: Why?

Receptionists: Second Act has a strict policy. Only family members can see patients. We want to make sure outside influences don't hamper our clients' recoveries.

Eliot: I think that's an excellent policy. I'm Tom's brother. Hi. Mark.

(Eliot kisses the receptionists hand. She looks at Hardison)

Hardison: I'm-I'm with him.

Receptionists: So, you're a friend of…

Hardison: No, no, I am—

(Hardison puts his arm through Eliot’s. Eliot stiffens)

Hardison: I am with him. See, he thinks the flirting makes me jealous, but it doesn't. You know, but if you was, like, Brad Pitt or Denzel or somebody, oh, girl, it would be on, seriously. (rings the bell) Bring your ass. Bring your ass. (pulls Eliot away from the desk)

ot3 foreshadowing in season one- we love to see it

(also what a fucking nerd, hardison, tom baker? you live to base aliases off of doctor who)

- - - - -

Parker: I thought my foster parents just wanted me so they could get money from the state, but now I realize they didn't love each other. They just wanted someone to love them.

Hurley: Like they need you to fill in the gaps for their relationship.

Parker: Exactly. But when that didn't happen, they just withdrew

Hurley: Yeah.

Parker: Which led me to steal.

Hurley: Yeah.

Parker: It's all so clear to me now

I’m not sure how much of this was true from her origin story but I’m keeping it as meta just in case

- - - - -

Hardison: He's not all bad. He did give some of the money to people in need.

Eliot: You ever notice how all bad guys know at least one stripper?

Sophie (answering phone): Hello?

Hardison: And you know at least a hundred, so what does that say about you?

Eliot: Hey, I’m a bad guy

stfu eliot you know you’re not a bad guy anymore

- - - - -

parker walking around all happy

- - - - -

Parker: Okay, Parker, get into the air vent, out to the front gate.

Parker: No.

Nate: No?

Parker: No, I feel like I’m making real progress here.

Nate (puts his hands on her shoulders): Listen, I need you to focus, okay?

(Parker smiles and looks down at Nate’s arms)

Nate: What?

Parker: You don't usually touch me, or any of us, really. It's the hole in your heart, Tom. It doesn't allow you to get close to people.

Hurley: She's right

parker got so insightful in this episode. like it was because of the drugs but it gave an interesting look into her mind and into her past

- - - - -

Hurley: Dr. Tanner?

Sophie: Hurley, jump on. Let's go. Now!

(Sophie is pulled away, but another creeper comes out from beneath the car. Hurley gets out of the car. Eliot is pulling on the rope from behind another car. Hurley is pulled away to safety. Eliot covers Sophie)

Eliot: Keep your head down. Keep your head down.

eliot covered sophie with his body and we love to see eliot protecting his family with whatever he’s got

- - - - -

Eliot: Ooh.

Hurley: Steel-Belted radials.

(Eliot pulls a knife and cuts open the tire, revealing the inside full of money)

Eliot: Ohhh.

Hurley: What do you think?

(Eliot hands Hardison a handful of money)

Sophie: I think you might have a knack for this.

that was actually really smart ??? tagging this as something useful for a fic maybe ???

- - - - -

Nate: Just-just take the win. Take the win. (grabs an envelope from Hardison and hands it to Hurley) Here you go.

Hurley: What's this?

Nate: That's your new identity. It's a driver's license, a passport, birth certificate.

Hardison: Your library card, Netflix membership, Sam’s club. Oh, I got you three months free at 24-Hour fitness. Maybe work off some of those tacos.

Hurley: You guys didn't have to do all this.

Nate: Yeah, well, actually, uh, we did. Uh, Jack Hurley is dead. We killed him. So this is your chance to kind of start over.

Hurley: Wow. Hey, d-do you think Michelle will forgive me when she gets the payout from my life-insurance policy?

Nate: Yeah, why don't we just, uh, go with the win? (escorts him toward the door) We're giving you a second chance, so don't screw it up. If you do, I promise we'll know. (hands Hurley tickets) Train ticket.

Hurley: Don't worry about me.

Nate: Yeah.

Hurley: I'm playing it straight from now on. In fact, as soon as I get to, uh... (looks at ticket) Rosarito, I’m gonna find the nearest support group. I promise. Thanks for everything, Tom. (shakes hand)

when the team has someone “die”, they take CARE of them

- - - - -

Dr. Frank: You're sure this is for the best?

Sophie: Absolutely. Second Act isn't the right place for her.

(Parker smells marker. Sam comes and takes it away from her)

Sophie: No, she needs to be around people who better understand the issues she's struggling with. People more like her.

parker sniffing a marker and smiling snjdnssjsj

also SHE NEEDS HER FAMILY. HER FAMILY UNDERSTANDS HER.

- - - - -

(Parker walks out of the building, laughing)

Parker: Hi. (runs up to the group, who are waiting for her) Hey! I missed you guys!

(Parker throws her bag at Nate and jumps into Eliot’s arms)

Eliot: Oh! (to Sophie) When do the happy pills wear off?

Nate: Usually about 24 hours.

Parker (hugging Hardison): I missed you.

Hardison: That's too bad. I kind of like this Parker.

(Parker puts an arm around both Eliot and Hardison and they start walking away)

Nate: Uh, Eliot?

(Nate throws Parker’s bag, Eliot catches it)

OT3 OT3 OT3

also PLEASE give me a fic of them watching over her while she comes down from the meds just in case she needs anything. fuck, I might have to write this if no one else does.

- - - - -

eliot and hardison having a mini argument in the background getting parker in the car

[britishassistant]

Too Many Bridges (I Dig Canals) 1

He was twenty-two when he died.

His mama hadn’t wanted him to move out to West Texas, crying that it wasn’t safe. His dad had soothed that he’d be fine at UTEP, the first one in the family to go to university, a business major, doing them all so proud.

His little sister had said they’d all dealt with much worse in high school, where the teachers screamed at you for speaking Spanish until you could barely remember a word.

His short older sister just snuck a dumb Homestuck backpack into his luggage, filled with the latest volumes of Boruto. He’d liked to read them while eating shitty convenience store ramen at 2AM.

Then he’d run out of cup ramen in his senior year, gone to the 7-11 at 1AM to grab some more, and made the mistake of glancing at a cracker junkie shaking from withdrawal.

Last thing he knew, he was bleeding out around a knife while the druggie tore through his groceries, crooning, “C’mon, c’mon where’s the hit, where is it, I know you’re hiding it.”

He’d only had the strength left to flip the racist fucker off before he finally drifted away.

He wakes as a baby.

The only natural response to this is to begin screaming.

What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck?! Why the fuck is he a baby?! Is everyone a baby when they go to Heaven?! Or wait, his butt’s kinda damp, is this Heaven at all?! Is he in Hell?! Was him flipping off that cracker enough to get him sent to Hell, after all he’s done?! All the masses he’s been to?! For the love of Christ, what’s going on—

A woman with white-blond hair and a tired face leans over him, muttering something harsh-sounding in a foreign language.

A loud and angry sounding man’s voice shouts something from somewhere he can’t see, which startles him into crying harder.

Then a large and callused hand slams down over his mouth, practically smothering him.

The woman’s face looms over him, wrinkled and shadowed like the face of the devil himself, poisonous green eyes glaring at him.

“Damare, kuso gaki.” The devil-woman hisses.

He whimpers.

His hair is green now.

Like a dehydrated shrub left too long in the heat, spiky-dry and almost yellowing at the edges.

And his eyes are purple. As if the green spiky anime hair wasn’t enough to humiliate him.

He misses his mama and his dad and his sisters but thank Jesus they’ll never see him like this.

At least his skin color’s pretty much the same as his last life. If he ended up resembling that fucking junkie who murdered him in any way, shape or form...

Well. All he knows is it wouldn't be pretty.

His new name is Meiun Nobuo.

The devil-woman who would rather smother him in his crib than let him cry apparently gave birth to him.

The deadbeat who cursed him with this eye and hair color and returns most nights stinking of alcohol and rotting fish is the sperm donor.

He misses his real family.

They live in a dock town.

Their house is farthest from the shore, so the scent of rotting fish guts and seagull shit is vaguely bearable. It’s bigger than the fishermen and farmer’s huts and market stalls that make up the rest of the village, with a curved asian roof.

He thinks the sperm donor is in a relatively high position in the village, perhaps an official of some sort. Probably inherited, because he seriously doubts anyone with a brain would elect that drunk deadbeat to any position of authority, but who knows.

He used to think the same thing about the government in his past life, and look what happened there.

Ragged official looking people buzz in and out of the rooms he’s not supposed to enter all day every day. Some of them smile at him if they notice him, lips spread sickeningly wide and eyes sycophantically crinkled.

Others look at him like he’s a nuisance, worthy of only their ire.

As if he asked to be reborn to this fucking paltry excuse for family when he had a perfectly good one back home

The devil-woman isn’t from around here.

That much is obvious in the way she’s constantly ill at ease, snapping at the slightest inconvenience, acting like everyone’s out to get her.

To be fair, a lot of them probably are just for the chance to have some peace and quiet again.

He privately counts himself among that number.

She’s always grumbling about how much better it is in rain, but regardless of the weather her shitty attitude never seems to improve.

She also starts trying to poison him when he turns four.

When his rice tastes weirdly bitter he spits it back into the bowl.

The devil-woman slaps him across the face.

“Eat.” She hisses, forcing his head into the bowl. “I didn’t destroy my body for you to bring shame to the Dokuso name like this. Your great uncle was already immune to neurotoxins by the time he was your age. The least you can do is eat.”

He tries to struggle, to scream for someone to help him, but the devil-woman just forces his head down farther until he swallows every last grain of tainted rice.

His body won’t stop shaking for the rest of the day, every gasp of air feeling like it’s scraping his lungs raw.

It becomes some kind of demented pattern.

He’s poisoned, he suffers, his body adjusts, he’s poisoned again in a new way, rinse and repeat until he seriously finds himself contemplating whether his last death was better than this.

The look of dissatisfaction the devil-woman always wears, as though he’s somehow not doing this (or dying) fast enough for her liking, weighs the argument a lot.

On the days where he’s in less danger of throwing up his guts, he has lessons with a tutor, because of course he fucking does.

Death, taxes and homework: the three constants of existence.

The tutor calls him a prodigy with mathematics, even if his grasp of kanji is shaky.

The deadbeat uses this as an excuse to push some of his work onto a five year old with some garbled line about “carrying on the work of our forefathers”.

He hates this.

He hates it so fucking much.

He prays every night, asking Christ why he’s being tormented like this. He hasn’t got an answer back yet.

He’s gonna make a break for it as soon as he’s old enough to do so. He’s still too young to be allowed out of the house, even for festivals. He also doesn’t receive anything like an allowance yet either, though he suspects that’s more due to the fact that the sperm donor is a cheapskate.

It’s fine. It’ll be fine. He’s already got access to some of the accounts, has proven himself to be a dedicated worker beneath suspicion.

Nobody’ll suspect the kid “carrying on the work of his forefathers” if money begins disappearing, not when there are so many greedy adults around. It’s foolproof.

He’s just gotta wait until he learns where he is and how he can get away.

He can do that. It’ll be fine.

“The daimyō has declared dōjutsu users enemies of the state.” His sperm donor complains one evening. “The Mizukage has authorized the use of deadly force to subdue them.”

The devil-woman sniffs, says something nasally and contrarian back but he can’t hear her over the blood rushing in his ears.

Dōjutsu.

Mizukage.

His mouth is dry. He can’t breathe.

There’s no way—there’s absolutely no fucking way—the tech here is way too primitive, he must be hallucinating, going through withdrawal from not reading his favorite manga for so long.

There’s no way this place could be the same world as Boruto. Besides, Chojuro would never authorize a-a genocide like that, Kagura-kun would be so disappointed in him—

But Kagura-kun’s grandfather wouldn’t have had any problems with it, would he?

It’s not until the devil-woman whacks him over the head and screams at him to get up that he realizes he’s on the floor.

He climbs shakily to his feet.

He endures the scolding quietly.

He goes to his room when dismissed.

He shuts the door behind him and slides down it, trying to muffle the sounds escaping his throat. They could be hysterical laughter or sobs. He really isn’t sure.

Because of course he’s been reborn years before any of the good characters of this series or plot developments that he can clearly remember will make their appearance.

That’s just his fucking luck.

He presses his forehead to his knees and screams.

This revelation helps along his plans, at least.

If he’s in Kiri, then he knows he’s probably on one of the many islands that make up the...peninsula? Archipelago? Fuck, geography was never his strong suit.

But yeah, he’ll need to charter a boat to get to the mainland so he can disappear.

He briefly entertains the idea of becoming a ninja for Kiri, maybe growing up to become one of Chojuro’s aides and Kagura-kun’s mentors. Getting to meet Boruto when that arc comes around.

But no. Or at least, not yet.

Going there before Terumi Mei has had the chance to overthrow Yagura isn’t a good idea, what with the whole “kill everyone else you studied with to become a genin” thing they’ve got going on. Also the people claiming to be his parents might track him down and have him sent back.

Fire Country is probably his best bet to vanish. The ninja there actually care about the populace.

He might even be able to go to Konoha. See Boruto and Sarada and Mitsuki grow up firsthand.

The thought leaves a warm feeling in his chest even as his limbs tremble from the effects of the latest venom for the rest of the week.

It doesn’t last.

Of course it doesn’t.

It’s one thing to know that certain people in the community are slated for death.

It’s a different ballgame entirely to see a mob barge into the sperm donor’s office, howling for blood.

He can only hear the words “kekkai genkai filth” chanted like a curse before the deadbeat is nodding his head and rising, grabbing a huge ass sword from where it’s been gathering dust on the wall.

He tries to shrink back, tries to let the throng pass him without drawing their attention, but a hand grabs his collar and yanks him away from his little table, away from his calculations, and drags him along with the frothing crowd of people with hate in their eyes.

He’s squashed near the back of the herd, but every time he tries to get away there are hands and arms to yank him back into line, hands of men or women or—Jesus, or other kids.

He’s eventually funneled through the doorway of a tiny farmer’s hut, pushed into one of the walls by the crush of people, and he looks up and there’s—

There’s—

Oh God.

Oh God.

Oh Jesus in Heaven have mercy.

He can’t look.

It’s awful, it’s too much, he can’t look, he can’t, he gags, averts his eyes—

He sees the girl in the corner of the room.

She’s crying, mouthing “Mama” to herself over and over.

One of those murderers has seen her too.

The man takes a step towards the girl—

“Stay the fuck away from her!” He yells.

He can’t remember moving. All he knows is he’s now in between the girl and the mob, knees trembling and adrenaline pounding in his ears.

His voice is all shaky and squeaky, not intimidating at all.

He’s scared.

Jesus Christ, he’s so scared.

These monsters just killed that innocent lady for their dumb fucking witch hunt.

What’ll they do to this girl if they get their hands on her?

One of the villagers steps forward and growls, “Outta the way, boy. You don’t wanna get hurt for that thing.”

“Fuck you, asshole!” He screams back.

“Meiun, discipline your fucking brat before we do it for you!” Someone else in the mob shouts.

The sperm donor is pushed to the front and begrudgingly holds out a hand. “Don’t be stupid Nobuo. Get your ass over here, now.”

“Listen to your father!” The demon-woman shrieks from the safety of several people away.

He laughs. He can’t help it. “My father?! You want me to acknowledge that drunken excuse of a sperm donor as a father?! Get real, you fucking hag!! You and him wouldn’t know what real fucking parenting looked like if you fucking murdered it in cold fucking blood!!”

He points at what’s left of the lady. “Because guess what? Looks like ya did!”

“How dare you—” The deadbeat’s gone dark purple.

“No, how dare you?!” His hands are shaking and Christ, there’s no way this can end well, but his mouth won’t stop running. “That lady was a perfectly fucking nice lady, a loving wife and a good mom and you assholes think you can just come out here and murder her for what?! Having something that you don’t?! Being a genuinely good person, like you aren’t?! You’re all just JEALOUS FU—”

Pain explodes in his temple.

A man’s screaming, “SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP, YOU KNOW NOTHING YOU LITTLE BASTARD, SHUT UP—”

He tries to raise his arms, tries to fight back, but the man’s swinging too wildly, he can’t stop the blow to the gut that knocks the air out of him.

More arms appear from nowhere, shoving him to the ground, pinning him down, jeers and taunts about how if he loves kekkai genkai filth that much he can join them, see what happens to them.

The knife glints evilly in the light.

He doesn’t wanna die again.

Jesus Christ, he doesn’t wanna die again.

There’s cold for a moment behind his right ear.

And then there’s nothing but agony, red and sharp and pounding pounding pounding and Nobuo is screaming screaming screaming.

Until his throat feels like it’s going to give out.

Until he knows he’ll die like this.

He doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die he doesn’t wanna die Christ—

The sensation is sudden and painful.

Like he’s been punched in the chest again, but in reverse.

Something erupts from him, with enough force to leave him breathless.

The jeers and ugly laughter become screams as pained as his own.

“Shit, he’s one t—?!” is the last thing he hears before a sound like glass shattering over and over overwhelms all other noise, even the terrified shrieks for mercy.

Nobuo’s eyes roll back into his head.

He blacks out.

The right side of his head throbs.

He whimpers in pain, curling in on himself.

“A-are you alright? Are you hurting? I tried to patch you up as best I could...” A soft, sweet voice murmurs.

He cracks open his eyes a sliver to see a dark-haired head with a pretty face hovering over him. The pretty face looks worried, almost scared.

“What...?” He tries to ask, voice croaky as hell. “Where...?”

“Ah, I, uh, took you and ran away after you got those guys off you.” The pretty face explains, averting their eyes for some reason. Their kimono is torn in places. “You-your e-head was bleeding really bad, so I tried to fix it, but I don’t think I did a very good job...”

What?

His hand lifts to the side of his head, feeling cloth sticky with what he can only assume is blood.

And feeling nothing beneath it.

His breathing hitches. He tries to stop it, tries to gulp the panic and fear back down, he can’t cry, he’ll get hit again if he cries, he can’t—

He lets out a sound that can only be described as a wail, shoulders shaking.

There’s movement and he flinches, oh god, he doesn’t want a hit, not now, not when he’s already dealing with this—

Small, thin arms wrap around him, trembling. A head of soft hair buries itself in his other shoulder, and a low voice begins sobbing “I-I’m so-sorry, I-I didn’t, I co-couldn’t stop them, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” in his remaining ear.

A small part of his brain notes that this is the first time he’s been hugged since he woke up as a baby.

They cry for a long, long time.

Finally, when it feels like he’s gonna have a head cold for a week at least, he shrugs his shoulder minutely.

The girl looks up, face blotchy and red.

“You’re that girl, right? What’s your name?” He croaks.

The girl tenses and pulls away a little. “I’m Haku. I’m eight. A-and I-I’m a b-boy.”

“Oh. Sorry.” He rubs the back of his neck, feeling his cheeks flush. Where does he feel like he’s heard that name before...?

“And you are?” Haku prompts.

“M-Meiun Nobuo.” He states with a grimace. “M’ six.”

“Ah...then Official Meiun was...” Haku’s eyes begin to fill with tears again. “Y-your father, and, and your m-mother—”

“God no.” He snaps. “That man impregnated that woman to make me, but father and mother are the last things they can be called. Real parents don’t pull the shit they do on their kids.”

He folds his arms across his chest. “This may’ve sped up my plans, but you did me a favor, taking me with you. I was planning on running away anyway.”

Haku lets out a confused sniffle.“Where were you planning on running away to?”

“Fire Country.” He might puff out his chest a little. “Their ninja actually care about people, and they don’t hate kekkai genkai there.”

“Kekkai genkai...th-that’s what they kept calling me and m-mama...” Fat tears begin rolling Haku’s pretty face.

He shakily slides an arm around the older boy’s shoulders. “Y-you can come with me. If you want. I-I don’t exactly know the way, I was hoping to get some more geography and funds first, b-but I’ll figure something out, I swear.”

Haku takes a few deep, shuddery breaths. “I-I don’t either, but I know how to get to the next village, if that’s okay?”

“That’s great! That’s way better than what I can do!” He assures, giving his traveling companion’s shoulder a pat. “...d’you, like, wanna start going now, or...?”

“Can we stay here for a moment?” Haku asks. “J-just until I can check your head’s okay?”

Meiun Nobuo nods carefully, leaning more against the older boy. “Sure. No rush.”

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

Witches, Chapter 29: something of an overdue talk, in a long overdue chapter.

Hey everyone! We’re back at it, hopefully, with a few orders of business.

First things first: I’d like to issue a small warning for a short discussion of past suicidal ideation that pops up during this chapter. Since this series is a retelling, generally most of you do know what’s coming up next and what we’ll run into and to brace ourselves for that. You know about the characters’ past traumas and future choices and know where that pops up, or if it becomes unexpectedly relevant or makes a new parallel, you did at least know in advance that it happened. Phoenix’s occasional oblique allusion to Edgeworth’s “choosing death”, for instance. 

As this is not something quite like that and comes up more out of nowhere than usual, I just wanted to make sure that no one is uncomfortably caught off-guard. It felt like something different to me personally as I was writing - whether it’s going to strike any of you as different than other heavier material we’ve had in the past, I can’t say, but I’m erring on the side of caution today. If you’ve got any questions or concerns or anything you want done for content warnings in the future, please do come talk to me and let me know!

On two lighter notes: thank you all for bearing with me through the “oops all Fire Emblem only Fire Emblem” hiatus. It’s been a weird year, obviously. I’m hoping that I can carry on with room in my brain for both.

And finally: Happy UR-1 day! Today is, yes indeed, the exact day that Simon Blackquill is arrested for murder, and in honor of that, have a chapter where I mention him one (1) entire time.

[Seelie of Kurain Chapter Masterlist] [ao3]

[Witches of Los Angeles Chapter Masterlist] [ao3]

----

Golden Saturday-morning sunlight streams in through the blinds, lighting up the dust particles swirling through the air. The office is colder than Apollo expects for the end of October - colder than it was last year this time - and Phoenix is even wearing a sweater, the shining locket that Apollo hasn’t seen in a while hanging around the outside of the tall collar. “Morning,” Phoenix says, without raising his eyes from what appears to be a manila folder full of newspaper clippings he is perusing. “What’s up?” 

Straight to business, then. Apollo is fine with that. He grabs the chair from his desk and drags it around, not directly in front of Phoenix’s desk, but near enough that it will be harder for Phoenix to ignore him.

“Is there any way to break a curse?” he asks, shoving his hands deep in the pocket of his hoodie. If it were this cold in a regular office on a Saturday, that would make sense; save money on heating bills when no clients are coming in. This is just - fae bullshit. The beginning of their seasonal tantrums. Winter only properly begins on the solstice, and Apollo really wishes that the fae of Kurain would respect the astronomical seasons. Stave off the snow until the end of December and end it in March. Don’t allow it to span from October to April. 

Phoenix sweeps the scraps of paper all back within the folder and ducks down to set it inside a drawer. “If I knew a way,” he says, rising back up with the magatama in hand and setting it down on his desk with a hard clack, “do you think I would go around looking like I do? You don’t think I would’ve gotten this mess cleaned up a long time ago?”

He doesn’t offer Apollo the magatama for a refresher on what that mess looks like. Maybe he was just making a dramatic point with it. “Oh,” Apollo says, scratching the back of his head, faintly embarrassed by how obvious the answer is if he’d given it a modicum of thought from that perspective. “I guess not.”

“Right,” Phoenix says. “As my understanding goes, you can theoretically maybe mitigate a curse, if you layer another opposing blessing on. I am ‘lucky’” - he makes sarcastic quotation marks to ensure that the bitterness dripping from the word doesn’t go unnoticed, as if Apollo could possibly not notice - “to have known enough fae that I’m saddled with both Fortune and Misfortune, and Life and Death. But I’m also not certain that when you drop those on each other they don’t just each take their own separate niches. I’m not dead, but god knows when I try to go somewhere for a vacation or a day off, I still stumble across crime scenes like nothing else. Stunningly lucky in some aspects, and wildly unfortunate in others. You know me. I don’t need to elaborate too much, do I?”

Apollo nods. 

“So that’s the theory, but I don’t think that helps anyway for your purposes, which - this is about Prosecutor Gavin?”

Apollo nods again. Phoenix sighs and rubs his eyes. “Shit,” he says, folding his hands together in front of his face and leaning his head against them. “I - believe me, Apollo, I wish I had some - I wish I had any way to help him.”

And Apollo does believe him. Apollo has to believe him, and believe that Phoenix means well, because he’d go crazier if he wasn’t reminding himself that Phoenix’s most frustrating decisions are born out of good intent. That Phoenix thinks he knows what’s best, but there’s still that old saying about good intentions. 

“Why didn’t you tell him?” Apollo asks. “You knew before this. You knew before he asked you.”

Phoenix raises his head. “And what does telling him get him? Secure in the knowledge that his brother - who is already in jail by the way, don’t need any more proof of his crimes, he’s already never getting out to be able to hurt anyone ever again - hates him enough to have wished him dead?”

Basically the same reasoning that Klavier had, but Apollo has a counterargument now. “Gives him time to come to terms with it before someone dies!”

“You don’t!” Phoenix slams his palms on the desk. Apollo flinches. Of course everyone is volatile and heated over this topic, but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment that it first gets directed at him from people who are usually frustratingly calm and casual. But Phoenix winces, lifting one of his hands and dragging his fingers through his hair, and sighs. “I’m sorry,” he says, and repeats, much quieter, “You - you don’t. Or I never didn’t. I knew from right when it happened that I was cursed; I had three years between then and when Mia died - it - I could’ve had a decade, or two, and it - it wouldn’t have helped. I wouldn’t have felt any differently. Any more come to terms with it. With the thought that I - helped cause—”

His tongue heavy in his mouth, Apollo nods. “But - but wouldn’t it have been worse to find out right after she died?”

“Of course it would have,” Phoenix says blithely. “Of course that - this - is the worst possible alternative. Of course I would’ve said something if I’d known that this was what would happen instead.”

“But you have to have expected that someone would—”

“No, I didn’t,” Phoenix interrupts. “That’s not how this works. You know Klavier. You know how much he doesn’t say, don’t you? How much I don’t - you know what people like us are like. Who’s going to tell him? Sebastian forgets half the time that he even has the Sight. Kay only acts like she knows things. Prosecutor Blackquill spent until two days ago acting like magic isn’t real even when he knew we knew otherwise. Someone who means ill isn going to keep that information to use it, and not to just plainly say something.” He frowns. “Well, usually not. Unless they’re a clumsy interloper stumbling in somewhere they don’t belong and getting themselves fucked over for it too.”

“So other than Means just walking all over everything” - because he wasn’t immersed in this kind of fae etiquette, didn’t grow up in it, learned just enough to spot what he thought were opportunities and ruined himself by it - “you think every other random stranger is just going to respect all these - these weird little rules about what you don’t say?”

“Rules of engagement, basically,” Phoenix says. “Yeah, I do.”

“Prosecutor Gavin told me that you’re cursed,” Apollo says. “Don’t just tell me that’s - that’s the exception that proves the rule, or whatever.”

Phoenix’s expression, smug and trying to dampen that smugness back into something that respects the seriousness of the conversation, tells Apollo that yes, yes that is absolutely what his retort was going to be. Apollo considers screaming. “I’ve been tangled up in this for far too long,” Phoenix says. “I can promise you, I know the patterns. I know the way these things go.”

“And because you’re so much smarter than the rest of us, that makes it okay?” Apollo demands. “To take a gamble and just hope that it won’t go wildly wrong?” 

And he wants to, really wants to add, I guess that’s what you do, just gamble with people’s fates, and he doesn’t, and Phoenix’s face still darkens like he knows, like he can read Apollo’s mind. Because every time Apollo ends up arguing with him, that’s always at the core. This playing card that haunts them both, burnt a bridge barely built, and they keep trying to balance on the ashen skeleton of it. “Just because Prosecutor Gavin is too fucked up about everything else to be mad at you for hiding this—”

“I did,” Phoenix says, voice low, eyes narrowed and dark as an evening’s storm clouds, “what I thought would be best, based on my prior experiences of both how curses don’t get talked about, and knowing exactly what it is like to personally live with knowing that I’m cursed. This is not something I want anyone to have to know how it feels.”

“So you think ignorance is bliss,” Apollo says. Klavier said that. Apollo wants to know how Phoenix takes that statement.

“I wouldn’t call it ignorance,” Phoenix says. “It’s not like he, or you, didn’t know what Kristoph was like until you found this out. You know the crime, the verdict, the sentencing - and everything else that Kristoph tried but failed to do. That Kristoph also wanted Klavier dead is only another small piece in the grand scheme of it all.” 

Still the same argument that Klavier made; Apollo can’t imagine they discussed it. What brought them to the same conclusion? That they both have lived this strange specific kind of grief? This common ground that they share that is foreign to Apollo.

“Come to terms with - Klavier’s already got to come to terms with the rest of that,” Phoenix continues. “It was obvious during that trial how much Kristoph despised him. He knew that too. He knows that Kristoph ruined more lives than just the people he murdered - that he tried to kill more people than he actually succeeded at - cursed and tried to kill children because he couldn’t have - didn’t want anyone remaining who - who could - could… say…”

If Phoenix hadn’t faltered like that - fumbling and failing to continue, words petering out as he went back over what he just said, his eyes going wide and welling up with horror - then Apollo would have simply assumed that his thoughts were moving too fast for his mouth and he couldn’t keep them straight. It would have been easy to talk right through it, and Apollo wouldn’t think twice. If Phoenix hadn’t showed his own hand, gave the game away. Something too terrible for even seven years of professional poker to hide. 

“Mr Wright?” Apollo asks, and Phoenix turns his head, glancing away away, no longer meeting his eyes when less than a minute ago he was staring him down with a cold confident glare. “What - what are you talking about? Vera, and - not someone else? Who else?”

Phoenix makes a tiny shake of his head, and even that little motion is a bright, distinct liar’s red. It lights up his eyes, too, when they dart down to the floor. “Mr Wright?” Apollo repeats. When would this have been? He casts his mind over everything he learned, just a little over a year ago, Phoenix sitting him down to explain seven years of information collected about Kristoph, what he’d done and how he’d tried to cover it up. He tried to kill Drew Misham to tie up that loose end; he cursed and poisoned Vera, two precautions because he wasn’t confident enough in the former, hoping that if she ever left the house she wouldn’t be able to speak to his identity and the forgery he requested. He killed Zak Gramarye seven years later to hide the same. He wanted to eliminate every link in the chain that connected the diary page to him. Its makers Vera and Drew, and Zak who knew he was the first attorney on the case, and then the page got to Phoenix via—

Via—

“Mr Wright,” Apollo says. His voice shakes. “He didn’t—”

“Promise me something, Apollo,” Phoenix says firmly. His mouth is drawn in a tight line but he doesn’t look stern. He looks more like he’s going to cry and is desperately trying to stop himself. “Promise me.”

“Wh - what? I can’t—”

“Promise me, Apollo.”

Not until you tell me what I’m promising, Apollo thinks, Apollo knows is what he should say. He’s been told this enough times; he’s aware of this on his own. Don’t agree to a deal before all the terms are set. Don’t sign the contract before it’s read thoroughly. Rules for lawyers and fae are the same. Just because Phoenix means well doesn’t mean that Apollo agrees with those decisions he makes; certainly not the one they have been discussing, and likely not whatever Phoenix is asking him to agree to. 

“Please.”

The air in the office is so cold. Even the sunlight seems cold now. Apollo shivers, hunches himself up further. What does Mia think? Is this secret-keeping so natural to her, easy as breathing once was, because she’s fae and that’s what they are, liars by trick and by trade?

“Just promise me you won’t tell her until I do.”

His mouth dry, Apollo nods and croaks out, “All right. I won’t.”

He almost regrets pushing the issue,regrets ever asking Phoenix why he faltered. Phoenix sits slumped, his hands in his hair, and when he glances back up at Apollo, he looks so exhausted that it reminds him of Klavier last night. Burnt-out and broken, when it’s so rare for either of their masks to break. Rarer for Phoenix not to be positioning himself as the one with all the cards in hand; for him to fall apart, for Apollo to actually see him upset. “Yeah,” he whispers, soft enough that Apollo sits forward to make sure he can hear him. “Everyone involved in getting the diary page from him to me, Kristoph wanted dead, or to make sure he could silence them. Everyone who knew, even if she was - eleven years old, or eight. The girl who made it, and the girl who gave it to me. He fucking hated the Gramaryes. You think he didn’t jump at the opportunity to try and get rid of all of them that he could? That he wouldn’t cast a curse on each one who ever entered his sight?”

“And she” - Apollo’s voice cracks - “she doesn’t know? You didn’t tell her?”

“Shit, no,” Phoenix says. He sounds close to cracking, too, and when he drops his hands to his desk he starts shaking his head, his eyes scrunched closed. “Being a Gramarye has been goddamn enough of a curse for her. She lost all her family and then found out that her grandfather buried her mother’s soul in the woods because he was a monstrous son-of-a-bitch who deserved worse than getting to go out on his own terms by shooting himself in the fucking head—”

Apollo shudders. Phoenix had never before directly stated his opinion on Magnifi, but Apollo could definitely tell he held only disdain for the man. This, though, is more than disdain. This is positively venomous, and more than a bit frightening. Did he always feel like this, and hid it, or is this hatred something that has only come about since last year Trucy came back to the office with her mother’s soul in her hands?

“—so yeah, on top of that, I’m definitely going to tell her that the same man who killed her father cursed her just because of the accident of who her family is.”

“B-but—” Apollo doesn’t quite know what he’s arguing. He also doesn’t know where all of his prior conviction went. Of course Klavier should have been told - because he found out in the worst way possible - and Trucy - to take a gamble with her too - that’s got to be just as wrong— “Nine-Tails Vale,” he says suddenly. “We went there, and then there was a murder - that - that’s - is that like—”

“Like what happens to me?” Phoenix asks. “What happens with a curse? Yes. That’s how it goes.”

“And you - you’re not going to - to tell her? Ever? In case - in case something happens to her like with Klavier, or—” Too many thoughts are playing in his head, and the next one grabs hold of him and pivots him away from the point he was going to make about maybe why Trucy should know. “The concert,” he says. “When we went to the concert, Trucy and I, and Klavier was there too of course but that’s - Romaine LeTousse was murdered. They’re both cursed and they - wait, was Klavier cursed then? That was before…” 

Did Klavier know when it happened? Did he tell Apollo? He’d said that Phoenix had seen him twice since the trial last October. Presume then that Kristoph cursed him then. The last time the brothers saw each other, and that doesn’t make one bit of sense. 

“How could Kristoph have cursed him?” Apollo asks, and he doesn’t miss a momentary flash of panic that passes over Phoenix, his eyes popping wide for half a second and a loud, sharp intake of breath. “Klavier always has iron on him. He gave me—” He looks down at his hand, and then back up, to Phoenix’s lifted eyebrows. Apollo sticks his hand back in his pocket. “What’s the point in iron if it doesn’t actually save you from being cursed?”

Phoenix is obviously trying not to move. He knows Apollo is watching him, waiting for a twitch, anything to pounce on and draw an answer out of him. Staring steadily back at Apollo, he barely blinks; he rests his folded arms on his desk and his fingers curl just a little tighter into where he’s gripping his arm. Apollo is right to be asking these questions. He’s getting closer to something that Phoenix is hiding. 

“Or it does,” Apollo says. The veins on the back of Phoenix’s hand flex from his grip. Apollo thinks about someone else with a tense hand and secrets. “And he couldn’t have been cursed then, at Vera’s trial, if it does. So then Mr Gavin hated him that much before then.” Phoenix blinks placidly, but he doesn’t adopt his lazy-eyed gaze. Too serious even for that. “And you lied,” Apollo adds. “You lied about when.”

Phoenix flinches. It’s just a tiny one, pulling his head back, the muscles in his jaw and neck tightening, but Apollo can’t miss the light show. Can’t miss that the lie is bleeding out of him.

He finds himself on his feet, not stepping any closer to Phoenix’s desk, just needing the height, just needing to move a little to stop the shaking in his hands and in his chest, a trembling that goes right down to his heart. “He knew already that he’s cursed! Why did you keep lying to him!” 

“I didn’t lie to him,” Phoenix says evenly, but very quietly, and Apollo wants to go over and slam his fists on the desk and make him stop with these hollow justifications, make him face what he’s done couched in none of his winding words. “I just didn’t correct his assumption.”

“That’s lying!” Apollo shouts. “That’s still lying! That’s what happened in Mayor Tenma’s trial! Do you remember that? Do you care!” 

“Don’t accuse me of not caring.” Phoenix’s voice is low, his eyes dark, staring up at Apollo. “I do care. I—”

“You don’t care about lying! But you do care about - what, about us? Doing this because you care, because you always know what’s best for everyone not to know!” Apollo throws his hands in the air. Phoenix’s brow furrows further, his jaw set tightly. “Never mind that Athena had a breakdown during the trial because Means hit her exactly where you were worried she would be! And you didn’t prepare her! Never mind that Klavier’s having a breakdown now because he found out at the worst possible time! When you could have told him! You know—”

“And if what he knows already hurt him this badly, then what do you think would be happening if he knew Kristoph cursed him years ago?” Phoenix slams his hands on his desk like he’s at the defense’s bench, pushing himself up out of the chair and onto his feet. “That his brother’s wanted him dead for that long? You think that’ll help anything, for him to find that out right now on top of all this? You want him to have that to come to terms with right now, too? I didn’t lie to him! He made an assumption that I didn’t correct because I’m not in the business of salting anyone’s wounds!”

He makes - a point. Apollo sees where he’s coming from. Why he’d do that. An additional piece of truth, yesterday the same as a salting of the wound. “But you don’t think he’s ever wondered if - if Mr Gavin resented him for that long? If he - if you would be setting something to rest, if you told him that. You can’t decide for someone else what they’re capable of handling.”

“Fair point,” Phoenix says. He sinks back down into his chair, and then motions to Apollo’s, suggesting he sit back down. “If he’d asked, I’d have told him. If he ever asks, I’ll tell him. I just wasn’t about to drop that on his head with him unprepared. Or if he asks you - I’m not asking you to swear silence to that. Shit, if you ever think that it’ll help him to know, then tell him - tell him you just found out from me, throw me under the bus and lie to make me look worse, that’s fine.”

Apollo returns to his chair, still not feeling any less like he wants to take a swing and see if he’s gotten any better at punching since last April. “You want me to lie now too?” he asks. 

“I want you to use your best judgment about what he might want to know or be able to handle,” Phoenix says. “To not pile on more if he didn’t ask, if you don’t think he’s prepared. Like I said, when it comes to being cursed, I didn’t ever not know, and I know what the knowing is like. Yeah, I took a gamble that if I didn’t tell them then no one else ever would. That they’d never know, I hoped.” 

He shakes his head and then leans it back against his chair, his eyes closing. “See, it’s not just grief, not at all. The woman who cursed me was someone I thought I knew. Though I’d known for a while. She had actually wanted me dead since we first met.” His eyes pop back open. “Eventually she tried to poison me, and when that didn’t work she tried to frame me for murder, and when that plan fell apart she just tried to kill me with a curse because she was pissed about it. She was a lot stronger than Kristoph, I’ll tell you that much. But Mia stepped in, and now I’m still alive and other people just drop dead all around me instead.”

He sounds almost like he is making a recitation, like he’s rehearsed it, scripted it. Apollo wonders if he’s ever told anyone else all these details, if anyone else lacking the Sight knows that Phoenix is cursed, and if he used this same script then too. He’s speaking about himself, something so personal, in a way so curt and crisp, so much more detached than he’s been speaking about Klavier, or Trucy. 

Apollo nods numbly, unable to force his tongue to ask any of the questions he has.

“I could have come to grips with her hating me that long and that much - I could’ve come to terms with it and moved on. I was - well, I eventually became glad to know what she was. I could’ve been okay with all that. Eventually. If I hadn’t known about the curse. But I did and the - the knowing, the - Mia was murdered. Three years after she saved me. That long, thinking I could accept that I was cursed, and as soon as something really happened - I couldn’t.”

He presses his hands together and rests them against his chin. “And I couldn’t ever even just grieve her, because I had this guilt. That her death was my fault - I know, I know, some other man murdered her. He got to rot in jail for the rest of his life for his crimes, and he would’ve hated her whether or not I was cursed. For the things she did and because of what he was, and I had no part in any of that, but I was still - thinking, if maybe if she hadn’t ever taken me under her wing. If I hadn’t been around, maybe it would’ve been different somehow. Maybe she would have survived.”

The lights flicker gently and return dimmer and softer than they were before. Everything that gets talked about in this office, Mia hears; Apollo wonders if Phoenix doesn’t get sick of it sometimes, just want to say something without her offering input. Even if this is presumably well-meant, some attempt at comfort, the most a dead woman who can’t speak can give. Apollo exhales and can see his breath. He shivers again. “Why are you telling me this?” he finally asks. 

“I want you to understand.” Phoenix rubs his hands together, a vacant look in his eyes, like he hasn’t quite realized why he’s so suddenly cold. “What it felt like, and what I’m worried about. If I’d told Klavier, or I tell Trucy - once I say something, I can’t take it back. That’s it, and they know, forever, just like I do. So I want to be sure that this won’t - I want—” He drops his hands and reaches over and picks up the magatama, idly spinning it around between his fingers. Apollo can’t remember ever seeing him this uneasy, this fidgety. “Klavier, especially, reminds me of myself when I was his age, and of a prosecutor I knew then, too. And that - recognition” - he gestures with the magatama clutched in his hand - “is not good, because we were not - okay.”

Apollo wishes he could remember with clarity all that Phoenix said to him about this time a year ago, about Klavier, about Phoenix being concerned for him. He does remember that Phoenix said something about some other prosecutor then, too, that Klavier reminded him of. Or that he was worried Klavier was going to end up like.

Phoenix inhales slowly, and says, “Six months after Mia was murdered - which was three, three and a half years after I was cursed, mind you - I lost someone else. I didn’t realize how badly he was doing - he did a good job at hiding it, and I didn’t know how to reach out. I was wrapped up in my own loneliness and depression, and then he was gone.” 

He stops turning the magatama between his fingers, staring down at it for a few seconds, and then he resumes fidgeting with it. “I felt like I’d caused both of those. Couldn’t convince myself otherwise. Every other factor I knew there was, every single thing I couldn’t prevent or control, all these other things that other people did - I still thought that if I wasn’t cursed, then it could have been - just different enough that they would still be here.” He reaches up, brushing his fingertips across his temple. “Wouldn’t have been a fatal wound. Or wouldn’t have—”

He falters, staring past Apollo now, over at the window. This is the same thing he said about Mia earlier, about that sense of guilt, even knowing someone else murdered her. That he held some kind of responsibility, for a curse that seems to manifest itself as coincidence. Just coincidence, a little too often. 

“They could’ve been okay, somehow, in the end, I thought,” he continues. “And instead, I was - I was there, I was still around, and they weren’t. And all I could think was that if I didn’t do something, then I would just lose the other few friends I still had - they would be around me, and they would die for it.”

“Didn’t you say that there’s no way you know to break a curse?” Apollo asks. From Phoenix’s solemn expression, he’s not going to suddenly say that there is a method, but Apollo has no idea what he is going to say. What that something he thought to do was. 

“Right,” Phoenix says. “So I thought - only way to take the curse out of the equation is by taking myself out of the equation. I thought - as long as I’m not around - if I go and die, then anyone else who I love won’t. The curse will be gone, right, if death finally takes me. But the curse only seemed to hit other people, not me, so if dying was what I needed to do, then I…”

Klavier lying on the stage, wondering why it had to be Courte who died instead of himself. Phoenix’s dark, pained eyes, as he speaks again, finishes the thought in a voice barely above a murmur. “It made - made far too much sense to me, then. Was far too appealing a prospect.”

The question of what Phoenix won’t quite spell out catches sideways in Apollo’s throat, and when he tries to force it he just makes a soft croaking sound. Phoenix presses his lips together and glances away. “It’s a pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone,” he adds softly. “Klavier’s - he’s what, twenty-whatever? I was twenty-five when I—” 

When Mia died, Apollo thinks, but that Phoenix doesn’t finish the thought, swallows hard and stares at his desk and says something else, makes Apollo think there was something even worse he could have said, with that implication he didn’t say. “And Trucy - she’s my daughter. I’m supposed to protect her. I took her in because I couldn’t live with the thought of anything else happening to her when I could bring her here, hope that Mia could somehow bless and protect her as much as she did me. But I can’t imagine just - I can’t let that happen to her. To suffer the way I did, to - to spend her life wondering if wherever she goes, someone’s going to die - the concert, Nine-Tails Vale, to ever - to think she can blame herself. Or that everyone she loves is better off without her. Or to—”

He blinks, fiercely, his eyes watering, and Apollo hopes he’ll never have to see Phoenix this close to tears again. Phoenix, cursed and trying - and in the case of Klavier, now failing - to shelter others from that same pain. Klavier, and Trucy, and—

“What about Vera?” he asks. “You explained to me, but did you ever tell her that she’s—” Phoenix stares at him, blinks slowly. Apollo squeezes his own eyes shut. “You didn’t tell her.” He’s unable to muster the same indignation he was before. He can’t really even bring himself to feel manipulated. Phoenix told him exactly that he was saying all this to make Apollo understand. Phoenix sought this reaction. But Phoenix’s chessmaster act has never superceded his desire to keep secrets before; there’s no way that Apollo can convince himself that this emotional vulnerability is all entirely a ploy to get Apollo to shut up. How many times has he refused to explain something and just left Apollo to stay angry about being in the dark? He has never been reluctant to do that. To just sit silent and lock Apollo out. To let Apollo hate him for his secrets.

He wanted Apollo to understand, intimately, whatever it took. So that Apollo would agree keep these secrets. So that Apollo would go along with him. And it might be concern that drives him - he cares, of course he does - but it’s still manifesting in the most infuriating ways possible. In well-meant silence.

“Would you want to know?” Phoenix asks, and that question at this time is an answer and confirmation in itself. “I know the truth is important to you, Apollo - I know it is to all of us.” 

For once, Apollo believes he means it. He’d know it’s the truth because he can see when Phoenix is lying, but he’s actually convinced, this time. 

“But,” Phoenix continues, “if you already know that the person who cast the curse hates you and is in jail for committing murder - already got to come to terms with that, or grieve that, or for someone else dead - you already know that truth. Would you really, honestly want to live with also knowing that you’re cursed?”

To possibly want to die because of it, like Phoenix did? Apollo opens his mouth. He wants to say yes, yes he would like to know, because that’s the truth of it and he wants to always know the truth, all of its facets no matter how ugly. 

Doesn’t he? 

He thinks about Nahyuta, about Dhurke, about trying to forget they ever were anyone, because that’s easier than facing the fact that Dhurke abandoned him, and they might both be dead by now. Easier than wondering whether they were human or fae or something else. He doesn’t want to know what they were. He wants to deny the dreams, to convince himself they’re nothing but the weird subconscious mash-up of memory and the fae horrors Clay has spent all these years warning him about. He doesn’t want the truth about his childhood. He doesn’t want to remember his childhood at all.

(Is it well-meant silence when he doesn’t tell Clay, or Trucy, or Klavier, about them? To not worry them about his life and his past? Or is it just cowardice on his part? Blissful ignorance.)

He closes his mouth. Thinks about the smile Trucy forced onto her face as she realized that Apollo was about to reveal to the court that her father Zak Gramarye was murdered six months before then. Thinks about how she couldn’t keep that smile forced when she found out that her dead grandfather took her mother’s soul for his own personal gain. Thinks about Klavier lying on the stage wishing that he had been the corpse there, not Courte. All the pains that truth has caused them. Is that better or worse than that alternative? Does it depend on what truth it is being hidden?

(He thinks about how long it’s been since he’s said Nahyuta’s name out loud. What color were his eyes in real life, and not Apollo’s haunted dreams? He doesn’t remember.)

“I - I don’t really know,” he admits.

The smug, victorious expression he expects never arrives on Phoenix’s face. There’s no satisfaction in winning this argument. “I’m sorry,” he says, closing his hand around the magatama. “I told you about Vera because it mattered directly for that case, but the rest of this - I wanted to shoulder it myself. So the rest of you don’t have to worry about it. I don’t want you to have to keep secrets from anyone. But I don’t know what else to do.” He forces a smile onto his face with visible effort that makes Apollo wince. Nothing masks the exhaustion written into the lines on his face. “Maybe we put our heads and together we figure out some better way to talk about it. If I ever figure that I should tell…”

He trails off, touching a finger to his locket. Tell Trucy. If he ever gains reason to think that he should tell Trucy. Would he actually run it by Apollo first, ask for his advice? The possibility of being in Phoenix’s confidence for something that isn’t a case doesn’t make a damn bit of sense. 

“I still don’t think you should try and keep it secret forever,” Apollo says, “but I - I guess I see what you mean. And why you don’t just…”

Why he doesn’t just tell her. More reason that just because Phoenix doesn’t “just tell” anyone anything. For once, he’s not being a cryptic bastard.

“Believe me, Apollo,” Phoenix says darkly, “I’m always thinking ahead and trying to plan for the worst. I’m not naive enough to just hope that anything will stay one way ‘forever’. But I have to be sure I don’t make it worse, either.”

It isn’t the lack of a visual cue that makes Apollo believe him. It’s knowing him that makes Apollo believe him. Phoenix always has his eye on something down the line, playing out the plan a few steps ahead to find the complications. Even - especially - while he wasn’t a lawyer. A gambler’s steady hand holding the cards, chancing on an outcome, because the cost of doing nothing at all is even more unthinkable. 

Apollo nods, more times than necessary, lacking anything else to say. Phoenix cocks his head. “Apollo, you all right?” he asks. 

What the hell is he supposed to say - how the hell is he supposed to be? Fine? In what world is he possibly fine? At the end of this, he’s learned more than he ever dreamed he would from his sole initial question, but in it all, that first answer has never changed. 

This is all there is. A rabbit hole of pain so unfathomably deep and winding, and in its darkest depths, the same as the answer given to him on the surface: there’s no way to break a curse. Their lives aren’t the kind of fairy tale where true love’s kiss can wake a sleeping beauty or transform a beast back to a prince - it’s grimmer than that, colder than that, crueler than that. Curses not so concretely visible but more like haunting coincidence, a ghost whispering at the shoulder with reminders of guilt. How could a man who wasn’t even there when the crime happened blame himself for his mentor’s murder? And yet, even after the killer’s confession, how could he not? How can even the curse’s caster be blamed when someone else wielded the murder weapon? And yet, how could they not share in it?

Apollo would rather someone have been turned into a frog, honestly. Wouldn’t that be easier to grapple with, a simple chain of cause and effect, and no ambiguity in who to blame. 

“No,” Apollo finally says. “Not really, no.”

“I guess that was a bit of a stupid question, huh.”

Apollo nods. No kidding. What’s a better question at this point, anyway? Not what he says. “How - how can there really not be any way? For a curse to be broken, I mean.”

Phoenix spins his chair around, resting his head back against it, eyes turned up to the ceiling. Once he slows to a stop, facing the windows, he says, “I mean, maybe it’s possible there was, once, but it was forgotten. There’s a lot of magic that’s gone that way.” 

He gives Apollo a moment to digest that, and then continues, “The Court’s heyday was thousands of years ago. They’re living ruins of what they used to be, and a fraction of what they used to know. Maya - you haven’t met her, she’s Pearl’s cousin - Maya’s helping me out with some matters by trying to dig up more about some kinds of magic they’ve forgotten the nuance of. But even that’s something we’ve got a hint that they knew, once. Not like—” He shrugs helplessly. “I’m sorry. Don’t hold your breath waiting for a way to break a curse.”

“Oh,” Apollo says, somewhat surprised, but pleasantly so, that Phoenix said that much. It would be typical of him just to reiterate that no, there just isn’t any way he knows, that’s all, and to skip the explanation for fear of giving Apollo false hope. But thinking about the prospect of false hope is still easier than really, truly considering the meaning of what Phoenix just said - that this, that everything they’ve ever had to deal with in regards to the fae, could have be so much worse. They could do so much worse than all this pain they’ve ever wrought - they were once so much more dangerous than this, and now their Court is only ruins. This is what they are when they are weak.

“If I do find anything out, I’ll—”

Phoenix breaks off, rising up slowly from his chair, staring at something past Apollo, over his shoulder. Apollo twists around to look, not sure what he expects to see, but it certainly isn’t Vongole standing in the doorway, her head held high, her body much more solid than it usually appears, and stiller. The wispy fur at the back of her legs and off of her tail does not stir as though she is made of mist and surrounded by a breeze that affects only her; she could almost, in this moment, be a normal dog, but for her glowing eyes and her ears so bright red as though they were dipped straight in paint.

All the color drains from Phoenix’s face. He snatches up the magatama and springs to his feet, hurrying past Vongole to peer into the other half of the office. Apollo rises to his feet; if Klavier was here - if he heard what Phoenix was hiding - how Apollo promised to keep it a secret—

Vongole stares at Apollo. She doesn’t move. Phoenix reappears in the doorway, curling a hand in his hair, but his face has fallen slack with obvious relief. The claws curled into Apollo’s heart unclenches. “So then what are you doing here?” Phoenix asks the hound, whose ears fold back flat against her head, though her snout does not turn to shift her attention to Phoenix. She stares Apollo down like she will pounce. “Does he send you places or did you just wander here yourself?”

“You don’t know?” Apollo asks.

“You think I’ve ever had the chance to ask either Kristoph or Klavier about the logistics of their spectral hellhound?” Phoenix asks. Apollo tries to remember when he first started seeing Vongole. Whose ownership she would have been under. How soon after Kristoph’s arrest did Klavier come back to Los Angeles?

Despite her weirdly lanky proportions, like a regular dog was put on a rack and stretched out, Vongole always moves with grace, a predator’s prowl and elegance. A monster, but a beautiful one. She circles Apollo like she intends to herd him somewhere, like she is a shark smelling blood waiting for the moment to strike. “What—” Apollo spins too, trying always to keep her in his sight. She moves just slowly enough that he can keep up, but just quickly enough that he becomes slightly dizzy in his efforts. “What do you want?”

She stops. Apollo steps forward, trying to escape her circle, but she swings suddenly to the side, throwing her body up against Apollo’s hip. He expects her to fade through him, as she does walls and doors, but when she hits him he staggers with the force of her weight. And the cold - her body is cold and it reaches straight through his clothes, cold enough to burn, ice on bare skin type of burning, and Apollo doesn’t understand. He’s touched Vongole before, without problem, hasn’t he? Surely he has. What’s wrong with her? Or is something wrong with Klavier?

She trots over to the door, standing on the threshold, staring back at Apollo with her head aloft. He can’t bring himself to move, can’t unfreeze his feet from where they are riveted into the ground. Vongole presses her ears back against her head, lowering it so that her neck is level with her shoulders, prowling again, and she makes another circle of Apollo before again stopping in the doorway.

“I think she wants you to go with her,” Phoenix says.

She wags her tail, much faster than the usual low, wide swishing path that it takes. Apollo wrenches his foot from the floor and takes one step forward. Vongole bounds through the front room of the office, weaving between magic props tossed carelessly on the floor as though she couldn’t pass through them. And she stops and waits at the door, glancing expectantly back at Apollo. He fumbles his phone free from his pocket, finding no messages waiting for him; why would Klavier do something as cryptic as sending his faery dog to collect Apollo, rather than just calling or texting him?

Unless it isn’t Klavier instructing Vongole. Unless she’s acting on her own. Or unless Klavier is in trouble.

“You’d better go,” Phoenix says. “I can lend you the—”

“It’s fine,” Apollo says. He’s pretty sure that Klavier hates the magatama, and he found him fine without it last night. And he didn’t have Vongole guiding him then. 

“Let me know that everything’s all right,” Phoenix says quietly. Apollo opens his mouth to ask what Phoenix knows, why he’s so sure that this means something is wrong - remembers what Phoenix said about himself and how Klavier reminds him of himself, long ago. Closes his mouth. Knows why Phoenix worries.

Phoenix always worries. He means well. His road is paved in well-intended worry.

“Yeah,” Apollo says. “I’ll - I’ll let you know.”

Vongole waits for him only to reach the door, diving through it as his hand reaches for the doorknob. He next finds her waiting beside the bike rack, her smoky fur drifting independently of the chill breeze, and as soon as he mounts his bicycle she lopes off down the sidewalk. She never looks back at him but is obviously monitoring him in some way, her pace changing depending on obstacles and traffic so that she always remains in his sight. He follows her through the quieter (relatively, anyway) city of weekend mornings, through his usual stomping grounds, to end up on the stoop of an apartment building that is - quite frankly, not as grandiose as Apollo would expect. He presumes this is where Klavier lives.

(If it’s not, then he’s far too deep into something that it’s also far too late to back out of.)

Vongole noses one of the buttons on the buzzer at the entryway and disappears through the door. Only seconds later, too quickly for her to have physically covered the necessary amount of ground, the door clicks to unlock. Apollo enters the lobby and before he has time to take in his surroundings, she appears in front of him. Literally appears - not bounding up to him out of a wall, but materializing out of the air, white fog swirling in circles around her ankles. She directs him to the elevator, pressing her nose into the button for the fourth floor and then several times in quick succession slamming her nose into the close doors button. “So were you always like that, or did you pick up your impatience from him?” Apollo asks.

She sits down and fixes her eyes on him. He doesn’t know what that means. He’s not sure why he bothered talking to her. She can’t respond - can she understand? Does she have some way to communicate information she hears to Klavier? Surely not - hopefully not, depending how long she was in the office.

She does not move until the elevator halts at their destination, and she springs to her feet and slips through the doors before they have opened wide enough for a fully-corporeal dog of her size to pass through. But when he makes it through, she meets him right at the other side, her impatience not taking her any further down the hall until Apollo can follow right at her tail. The walls are not cracked and peeling as in Apollo’s building, but they are certainly plain - again, very much not the kind of place he would imagine Klavier to live.

Vongole throws herself through the door of Apartment 404, and Apollo waits in front of it. A moment passes, and then another. Right. Even a faery dog doesn’t have opposable thumbs to grip a doorknob. He fails to swallow his apprehension but knocks anyway. There has to be a reason Vongole brought him here. He can’t just run away from it. 

The seconds crawl past. Apollo reaches up to knock again, but the door swings suddenly open, and he flinches back.

Klavier’s hair is barely held together in a ponytail, strands falling loose around his face, and he looks even more like he hasn’t slept, going by the shadows under his eyes. And Apollo never thought there would come the day that he sees Klavier in sweatpants, but - he’s still alive. He’s still intact in one mobile piece, and he’s lucid enough to look annoyed. Apollo fumbles for words, any at all, but none arrive on his tongue. He hadn’t thought this far ahead. He starts to raise his arm to point at Vongole, to blame her, and before he can, Klavier sighs, shaking his head, his apparent annoyance sliding into exhaustion, and he steps out of the doorway, pulling the door open wider, and gesturing for Apollo to come in.

-

[notes on the chapter]

[latestageyouth]

When you walk away (Nothing more to say)

chapter 11 - Knock Knock Get The Door It’s Depression

trigger warnings: cussing, coffee, a quick mentions of death, mentions of running away from home, mentions of injury (pieces of glass in a hand), some negative self talk, please let me know if i forgot something

summary: Remus finally decides to do something right...kinda

author’s note: Sorry it took so long the planets just weren't aligned right. No, but seriously, I'm really sorry haha, shit was just going on in my life and I got really stressed. Hope people haven't forgotten about this yet :|

Remus knocked on the wooden door again, frustration apparent in the sharp, loud pattern. C'mon answer. He knocked again, his knuckled started to ache. C'mon. C'mon. Come on.

The door opened, revealing a tired man who was clearly perplexed by the sudden visit, partly because he just woke up "Rem? Dude, it's, like..." Nate trailed off and looked at the clock on the wall, "Shit, it's gonna be midnight. What the hell happened to you, kid?"

Remus looked at Nate's baffled face, the concern apparent on his features enough for both of them. He rolled his tired eyes, still slightly puffy from the tears "It's whatever. Will you let me in or not?"

Nate was...unsettled, to say at least. He didn't care what Remus did, for the most part, it's not like he was a big part of his life, but this...this doesn't feel good. Remus wasn't joking now, which meant something seriously bad has happened. Nate learned that the hard way. Besides, Remus' attempts at running away stopped long ago, so it wasn't that, which...actually made it worse now that he thought about it. Nate stepped out of the door frame, a few raindrops falling onto the floor as Remus made his way inside.

The house was significantly warmer than outside, Remus noticed. Still cold, though, maybe that was because he spent an hour or two wandering outside in rain, his clothes felt heavy, probably everything including him was soaked with water. He could hear Nate walk up to him even though the violent beating of the rain, "So, I am assuming you're not here for a slumber party," the older man looked him up and down, making a mental note to ask about Remus' clenched fist later.

Remus scoffed, "Yeah, no shit."

Nate furrowed his eyebrows...no joke? He's not even trying to be sarcastic? Something...someone seriously messed up. He walked over to the kitchen, turning the kettle on, they will both need something to drink, "You want some coffee? Y'know, since otherwise you're probably gonna freeze to death," he tried to lighten the mood, Nate never did that, he was the cool guy, Remus always clowned around. He even made a morbid joke, hoping to at least hear Remus chuckle. Not even a proper response came back, just a hum of what Nate assumed was agreement. He took a jar of coffee from the cupboard. Remus was surprisingly quiet...too quiet. He was never good with serious stuff, no matter how much he tried to be, he thought Remus knew that. Hoped, Remus knew that.

He glanced into the living room where Remus was seated on the couch, a wet spot from all the dripping water forming around him, some from his hair even fell to the ground as he ducked his head further down, "What happened, dude? Was it Elise again?"

Remus tilted his head back, "No," he said with a groan, "You know she died when I was like fifteen," he looked at Nate, "Right?" Nate was never the type to pay attention but damn it, even he should remember that.

"Oh, yeah, sorry, you know how I am with memory."

Remus hummed in response. The same monotone tone he was humming in all the times before. Nate really didn't want to nag Remus about it for the fear of only making whatever was happening worse. Still, he needed to know what was wrong, otherwise he couldn't help him "You still didn't answer my question," Remus looked at him with a sour look on his face, Nate doesn't think he saw that ever since...shivers shot down his spine as he shook his head, that was a long time ago, Nate was reaching, "What happened?" he pressed on, a little uncertain if that was a right thing to do. For fuck's sake, didn't his school have a counselor or something?

Remus looked away, eyes overflowing of doubt. Nate sighed and poured the finished coffee into two mugs. A little spilled on the ground as he made his way to the couch to sit with Remus, though both of them paid no mind to it.

"Have you ever..." Remus started and didn't finish, as if he swallowed his tongue. Nate was sure Remus could come up with a more creative and gross metaphor if he wasn't a shivering cold mess, which Remus never was, until, well, now. Nate started at Remus, finally putting his acting skills to use and making himself look serious and worried. Not that he wasn't, but his default face was more of a resting-bitch face, as Remus always put it. He never was good at expressing himself.

"Did you ever...fuck up? Like, big time? Something that you couldn't fix?" Remus's voice cracked a little bit at the end. He tried to scratch his arms but his overly-bitten nails didn't allow it. Nate made another mental note to ask about that, maybe talk to Natalie about this, suggest getting the kid a therapist.

"I mean, duh. All people fuck up sometimes" he took a sip of his coffee, unsure of what to say. It was painfully obvious he was trying to play it cool while having to idea what to do.

Remus tsked as his body jolted from the cold, then continued, "No, I mean like," he hesitated for a second and thought over the words racing around his mind, "Majorly fuck up. L-like, something really important."

Nate honestly didn't know how to respond to that, but he tried, for once in his life, "Yeah, of course. Everyone has things that they regret, there's no shame in that."

No response. Nate waited a bit longer, hoping the silence would urge Remus to speak up, before sighing heavily - finally something he was good at - and pushing the now lukewarm coffee towards Remus, "C'mon, drink, it'll warm you up."

Remus didn't drink the coffee, instead talking again, which was a relief but it did nothing to ease the knots in Nate's chest, "Let's pretend you fucked up with a really important person. And ruined years of building a friendship. Do you...do you think there would be a chance to save something?"

"Huh, I never really..." he hesitated, "Fucked up that much with a person, I don't..." Nate put down his cup with a huff, trying a more assertive approach, "Look, Rem, you're like 14-"

"17."

"Doesn't matter. Listen. If the friend that you're talking about really is your friend, they will forgive you, people have arguments all the time."

"It wasn't an argument," Remus rolled his eyes, "It's my fault that this happened anyways, and even though I've known him for so long it feels like I don't know him at all and it's weird and I want things to go back to the way they used to be," his vision got blurry, but he didn't let himself cry, he had enough of that. He wasn't sure if the uncomfortable tightness in his chest was from the melancholy heartbreak or the fact that he was running out of breath.

Nate took a sip of his coffee again, it was apparent by now that this was a nervous gesture, but it shouldn't be, he should be confident and reassure Remus, but hell, this was a new level of teenage drama. He took a deep breath, "Sometimes things can't go back. Sometimes it's for the worse, sometimes for the best, but right now you can only focus on what will be and if you'll let this one thing break you."

Once again, uncomfortable silence filled the room. But not for Remus. He felt better, knowing that he wasn't bottling it up inside anymore. At least not all of it. He reached for the surely cold coffee.

A piercing pain surged through him, still clinging in his hand even as the mind-numbing, quick sensation came to an end. Fuck. He forgot. How could he forget? Stupid. Stupid Remus.

"Woah there, the hell is that?" Nate reached towards his arm as soon as he could process what was happening, at which Remus promptly moved further away from him and stood up, backing away from the couch slightly. Nate hesitated, "Remus," a troubled tone sounded the room, "Show me your hand, Remus."

Reluctantly, almost like half of him protested, he did. What good was it gonna do keeping it from him anyway? Nate knotted his eyebrows, "Oh, you clumsy idiot," he huffed at the sight of the tiny pieces of glass scattered around inside the palm, "I am not a fucking doctor, why didn't you just go- y'know what? Fine, stay here, I'll bring the first aid kit, it's gotta be here somewhere..." he walked down the hallway to what Remus assumed was his bedroom, not that he was familiar with Nate's house. And Remus was left in silence once again. Left to wonder how exactly he found himself here, and why he found himself here? Remus found himself thinking about the butterfly effect, that one small misstep on his side which caused his life to change in an instant.

It wan not often that Remus thought about his future, but the heartwrenching scenarios that could - and will, Remus was certain - happen couldn't help but slowly creep their way into his head, slowly eating him up from the inside like maggots, Remus could practically feel the dopamine and serotonin leaving his body, leaving an empty shell of the jokester he once was. Maybe he was exaggerating, Dee always told him he was a drama queen, so did Roman. It hurt to even think those names, has Remus really become that sensitive?

The tiny drops of rain drummed against the window as Remus heard a distant, quiet rumble of thunder. Huh, he's probably gonna stay here overnight, he wasn't sure Nate would even let him leave, considering what state he came to him in. Speaking of Nate...

Remus got up, looking at the wet spot left behind him on the couch before he walked further into the house, his ears picking up on a hushed tone behind one of the doors.  He carefully put his ear to it, trying to pick up on the sentences being spoken.

"Yeah, he's here, no need to worry."

Remus' breath hitched in this throat.

He barely heard Nate sigh, "Natalie, it's past midnight, just let him sleep here."

Oh, was it really that late? Remus didn't notice...

"Yeah, yeah, I will, don't worry, g'night," Remus presumed that Nate hung up, because the next thing that came out of his mouth was, "Worrywart bitch..."

Remus knew he and ma weren't on good terms, the reason was there, so that wasn't much of a surprise. Still kind of angered Remus. He could hear footsteps coming closer, and stepped away from the door as it opened.

"Oh, Rem," Nate startled.

Remus groaned, "You took too long, I was tempted to just pull the glass out myself," he added a playful tone to the end to make Nate less worried.

Nate scoffed and walked back to the small living room where Remus followed him, "Yeah, like I'd let you do that."

Remus wanted to complain but shut his mouth instead, sitting back down onto the couch. He silently wondered...what was everyone doing right now. How they were...

He was getting sentimental.

[herzdieb]

I have to bite the bullet and ask - how do you deal with being in a relationship with an introvert as an extrovert yourself? I feel all I do is argue with my girlfriend because she's an introvert and I'm an extrovert. :(

One thing you have to take into consideration here is that I’m talking purely based on my own experiences.

I’m also speaking from a POV of an eight years-long relationship filled with lots of talking, adjustments, arguments, miscommunication, trial and errors, and a lot of compromises.

Let’s dive into this, shall we?

The obvious thing is - your partner recharges by being away from people, while you recharge by being with and around people. That’s the first big thing that will drive a divide between you two. Because you don’t function okay if you are isolated for too long, and your partner doesn’t function okay if they don’t get the right amount of isolation from people and life in general.

We started dating when I was a bit on the wild side of life; lots of partying, staying out late, lots of all the fun things that you can imagine a college girl would be into. And she simply was not. Never, really.

I’m not sure at what point of life you guys are at, because at a certain point, life kinda winds down and it’s easier to settle into a routine that’s equally as comfortable for both parties. Other times, things are just too hectic and all over the place. Nevertheless, if this got me through my college years, it can get you through anything. 

It used to drive me insane. I used to take it very personally. And I know it’s hard not to. I don’t think it’s easy for anyone to initially understand that someone needs a break from you and it’s not personal, it’s just how they recharge and cope with the world. Due to my nature, I was surrounded mainly by extroverts and dated them as well, so this was a huge learning curve for me.

She gave me space, but there were moments when I desperately wanted her to occupy that space as well. And I’m sure you feel the same way. It gets lonely after a while if you attend most of the social events on your own, or feel restrained, one way or another. 

That’s life. 

But here’s what helped me and helped our relationship in the end:

understand that their need to be left alone has little to nothing to do with you personally

social interactions of any kind, that you wouldn’t even register as a “big deal” can exhaust them to no end; acknowledge and learn to respect that

don’t guilt-trip them - that’s a given for anything really concerning a healthy relationship, but sometimes it gets far too easy to play the blame game - still, don’t fucking do it

learn to give them space - learn to register the signs and patterns, and don’t be afraid to ask “hey, do you need some alone time?”. it hurts to hear a ‘yes’ for the first few times but you’ll adjust to it, just keep yourself busy with something else in the meanwhile. us extroverts are good at that

learn to be patient and understanding - their social battery can go from 100% to 0% in a blink of an eye and sometimes you don’t see it coming. don’t make a big deal if you have to leave a party or a social event before everyone else. or if suddenly they don’t want to go anywhere. staying in isn’t the worst thing that could happen, now is it?

it took me years to realize that staying at home with her, in her little isolation bubble wasn’t her trying to keep me away from things I wanted to do, but was actually her way of showing and expressing love by including me instead of excluding me.

talk about things; ask them what makes them comfortable in social settings, how you can make things easier for them, etc. Usually what we do is that I stick by her side and it’s one of the best things really. you can still mingle as an extrovert, you can still have fun. these things are not mutually exclusive. you can and will have fun with an introvert. 

last but not least, take it easy. make small, short-term plans. don’t overwhelm them. learn to accept a “no” from them if they genuinely don’t feel like doing or going somewhere. it doesn’t mean you have to go alone, it could simply be a matter of rescheduling things. 

Look, it gets better. Talk about things. If you get hurt, explain why you got hurt. If you get frustrated, do the same. Give your partner a platform to discuss whatever is on their mind as well. 

Trust me, nobody who loves you wants to hurt you and your partner is no exception to that rule. Also, keep in mind that escalating every little thing into an argument won’t bring you far. Don’t let things pile up and don’t be afraid of objectively expressing what’s weighing on you and what behavior affects you.

Finding a healthy balance takes time, but eventually, you’ll realize that instead of going to the 10th party that week, chillin’ at home with your s/o doesn’t sound half as bad. It took me years to realize all of that and for us to adjust because I came into this relationship convinced that the only way to spend quality time was by doing things. and doing things meant going places. and that’s simply not true; the sooner you realize and accept that all you really need for a good quality time is your s/o, the better for you guys. 

But seriously, if you want someone who is far better at solving problems, you should go annoy @ifishouldvanish. Without her, I wouldn’t be half as insightful as I am right now regarding any of that. 

[alluratron]

What’s wrong with VLD?

PART 1

This is a continuation of a long post discussing everything I feel went wrong with Voltron: Legendary Defender. If you haven't read part 1, I would suggest doing that before coming back to this one.

(once again, apologies to those on mobile.)

Pidge never fucking learned a single solitary damn thing. In the first season she supposedly learned to value her new team and recognise that they need her. But going forward, she still prioritised her blood family over everything, yelling at everyone and just generally being a brat when they were discussing how to negotiate exchanging Lotor for Sam (Blood Duel, S5E2). I mean seriously, nobody ever said they wouldn’t get Sam back?? They were just saying they needed to be smart because Zarkon could pull the rug out from under them (which he did). But Pidge acts like a brat that must get her way. And that’s fine because she’s 15, but can the narrative acknowledge her brattiness? Can she grow from that? Nope. They go right back to genius Pidge who is always right about everything and can never be wrong on even the smallest of things because they will combust and die. Even something as stupid as the double modulation argument (Kral Zera, S5E4). They couldn’t just let Hunk win that one argument? Nope. Pidge has to be a know it all and come out on top. I initially loved Pidge because, as a woman in STEM, I related to her strongly. But she quickly grew boring and stale for me.

In fact, all of the Holts grew boring and stale to me. There was so much time and focus dedicated to this basic white family when, for 5 seasons, we didn’t even know Lance’s family’s names despite him supposedly being terribly homesick. And nothing for Hunk! For a long time all we knew was that Hunk had a mom (now we know he also has a dad, an aunt and a niece and nephew but still no names). But the Holts were all perfect. Somehow, both Matt and Sam survived the Galra more or less unscathed. And, though we were told that Sam, Matt and Shiro were like family as a crew, we never see any familial overtures from them towards him and Shiro continues to not have any loved ones.

Seriously, why is Shiro so isolated? Where is his family? Does he just not have one? Did he crawl out of a rock fully formed and ready to mentor Keith? The one episode we have to explore Shiro’s pre-Kerberos past (I really don’t know season 7 names, S7E1) focuses almost entirely on Keith and not Shiro himself. The episode, where Shiro’s quintessence struggles to merge with the clone’s body (more YIKES on that later) would’ve been a perfect opportunity to delve into Shiro’s childhood, show us his family (if he had any or if he was an orphan), show us the onset of his disease, show us what drove him to join the Garrison, show us him meeting and getting together with Adam (or just meeting and befriending if they were really limited), show us him taking Keith under his wing, show us the decline of Shiro and Adam’s relationship and eventual breakup, and then show us how he never gave up on Keith and why Keith will never give up on him. This would’ve given us so much more insight into Shiro’s character, but the episode was never about Shiro, not really anyway. It was about Keith.

In fact, Shiro is rarely allowed to have something for himself. His relationship with the black lion? Apparently he was just a seat warmer until Keith was ready to take up the mantle. Even his confrontation with Sendak was set up to make Keith look cooler. In their first confrontation (Fall of the Castle Of Lions, S1E4) Shiro fights Sendak to a standstill. He only loses because Haxus threatens Lance’s unconscious body. Then when Sendak is in the holding pod, he taunts Shiro and asks him “do you really think a monster like you could be a paladin of voltron?” causing Shiro to panic and eject Sendak from the Castle. Aside from the fact that the show answers that question with a decisive “NO” by not allowing Shiro to return to the black lion (even though he did everything right but okay!), they also don’t even let him win the confrontation with Sendak. As they fight a rematch (pls forgive me I have no episode name or number season 7 really was a nightmare for me and I blacked it out mostly) Shiro takes hit after hit after hit, barely landing any himself. By far the worst moment, in my opinion, comes when Shiro lands a hit squarely on Sendak’s jaw with his human hand and yet it does nothing! Sendak doesn’t even flinch, he just laughs and sends Shiro flying. What kind of awful implication is that? It very strongly implies that Shiro’s humanness is WEAK and inferior. That’s extremely fucked up. On top of this, Shiro was able to fight Sendak to a standstill with a galra prosthetic, but not with the one Allura made for him, powered by her crown jewel. Remember when Sendak said Shiro’s galra arm was the strongest part of him? Yeah, this just confirmed that. Not only is Galra tech is superior to Altean, but Shiro is weak without it.

Finally, when Shiro is battered and bruised, on the ground just waiting for death, Keith jumps out of the black lion and kills Sendak in one slice, holding dramatic pose for effect, despite having no emotional stake with Sendak. Why this needed to happen, I will never understand. Why could the writers not bear to allow Shiro win his battle? Why couldn’t he have his victory? Why Keith and nobody else? Because Shiro’s character is treated as an accessory to Keith. He was never meant to be a main character in his own right. He was always just intended as a mentor and prop for Keith. He’s hardly allowed to bond with the other paladins. For example, despite the focus placed on his handshake with Lance the pilot, their relationship never grows. They barely talk at all, with Lance probably being closer to the clone than the original. Also of note is how Shiro never thanks Allura when she saves his life (Defenders Of All Universes, S6E7; that episode in season 7 where she puts the jewel in his arm). In both cases, Keith appears in front of her, taking up Shiro’s vision despite Allura actually being the one solving the problem. I don’t even think Shiro and Hunk have a single one-on-one interaction, clone or original.

Despite Shiro’s. Well. Everything. Being given to Keith, the latter still suffers dreadful writing. He is stagnant for 5 seasons, relearning the same lesson of relying on your team over and over again, until he meets his mother and in the space of two minutes, a montage on the back of a space whale in S6E2 solves all of his problems by ageing him up two years. Seriously. He spends two years on a whale with his mom and his dog and suddenly he’s ok now. At least that’s what the story wants us to believe, except he really doesn’t change at all. He comes back and promptly goes off on his own again, this time chasing Clone Shiro. He’s still snappy and impatient. The only thing that changes is that he doesn’t hate the prospect of flying the black lion anymore. And he has longer hair. Seriously, that’s it. He even still shows ambivalence to Allura’s safety. Which brings me to my next point:

Why is Keith so ambivalent to Allura’s safety??? Seriously, throughout the entire show he just really does not care for her and it shows. When she sacrifices herself to save Shiro and they are all brainstorming ideas to rescue her (The Black Paladin, S1E11) Keith suggests they don’t rescue her at all. He’s called out on this by the others and I’m willing to let this one slide because I thought he was just overly pragmatic and would eventually grow to love his team so much that he would never consider leaving anyone behind. The next time this happens is when Keith is piloting the black lion and chasing after Lotor (The Hunted, S3E3). Allura is struggling with flying the blue lion and takes a hit (due to low visibility in the gas planet that Keith rushed them into) and Hunk declares that he is going back for her. Keith actually gets annoyed by this! They can barely communicate with each other and can’t detect each other outside of view so the only way they’re going to find Allura is if they go after her immediately, but Keith is angry that Hunk does this??? Would he prefer they just leave her to die??? His disregard for her safety comes up again in when she’s in the quintessence field with Lotor and Keith returns. Pidge informs him that Lotor is in the quintessence field with Allura, to which Keith responds “can’t we fly in there and attack?” He is willing to attack Lotor even with Allura there. Once is excusable. Twice may be coincidence. But 3 times? That’s a pattern emerging.

It’s worse still because Keith isn’t ambivalent to other people’s safety. We know he saves Shiro time and time again, but he also saves Acxa in BotW and Lotor at the Kral Zera, despite only just meeting Acxa at the time and not even interacting with Lotor at all. So what sense does it make that he will happily save random Galra that he comes across, but not his own teammate? Really not selling me on the found family aspect.

In fact the found family completely breaks down. Pidge’s entire motivation is her blood family and she remains closer to them than her team. Keith never actually bonds with the team and all his problems are solved when he reconnects with his birth mother. Hunk and Pidge spend seasons 3 to 7 taking cheap shots at Lance’s intelligence and mocking his feelings for Allura (they don’t do this in season 8 but that’s more because Lance barely talks to anyone that isn’t Allura in season 8). Shiro isn’t allowed to talk to people that aren’t Keith. Keith insults Allura’s DEAD FATHER (lost in space? is that what it’s called? idk please I really don’t know anything about s7) and is rude to Lance even when the latter is trying to be sweet (The Feud, S7E4). Coran is usually forgotten. Nothing about this team feels even remotely familial. Pidge and Hunk are best friends. Allura and Lance are dating. Shiro and Keith have history. Allura has a decent enough rapport with everyone that isn’t Keith but that’s about it. Keith himself questions whether they’re even friends (lost in space episode again idk the number) and the truth is they’re not! They’re co-workers that occasionally have a laugh together but they are not a group of friends by a long shot. Their relationships are superficial and, when push comes to shove, they don’t look out for each other.

This brings me to the clone arc. God, I mean. Where to even start. The entire arc was a hot mess and only existed because they were forced to bring Shiro back earlier, but they didn’t want Shiro back so they made him a clone. There are several theories and meta out there discussing how Shiro was pasted over Keith and the personality mismatch handwaved as “he’s a clone” so I’m not gonna go into all that here. Believe them if you want, or don’t. What I will point out, is how shoddily the arc was handled. First of all, there was no real need for it. Haggar didn’t do anything with the clone that she couldn’t have done with Shiro. After all, she did tamper with his mind for a whole year so she could easily mind control him somehow. She didn’t need a Narti clone to see through her eyes, so why would she need a Shiro clone to do the same? Moreover, Shiro’s arm had been a blatant fucking Chekhov’s Gun for seasons so we absolutely could’ve had Haggar controlling the real Shiro through his arm, just as she did with the clone. The only reason I think a clone would be of ANY use to the story, is to give Shiro some family by having this clone become VLD’s version of Shiro’s historical twin brother, Ryou. But they didn’t do that. They didn’t do anything with the clone except torture him and kill him. And this is my biggest gripe with the arc.

POOR KURON!!!! What the hell was all that???? They introduced Kuron with a whole episode showing us how desperate he was to get back to his team and, in what were almost his final moments, his thoughts were on all the moments he (believed that he) shared with his teammates (The Journey, S3E5). Throughout his entire period with the team, he suffered from chronic headaches and is more short tempered than the Shiro we’re used to, but he ultimately has the best intentions. He apologises for losing his temper (Post Mortem, S5E3) and reaches out to Lance for help when he begins to suspect that something isn’t right with him (White Lion, S5E6). He plays monsters and mana with his teammates and has a grand old time with them (Monsters and Mana, S6E3). He convinces the black lion (and, let’s not forget, original Shiro whose quintessence is in the lion at this point) to allow him fly black because his friends are in danger and he can’t stand not helping (Code of Honor, S4E1). He cares deeply for this team. And yet, when push comes to shove, they don’t care for him.

As soon as Haggar activates the final stage, the paladins all give up on him (except for Keith, but Keith doesn’t even really count because he doesn’t go after Kuron for Kuron, he does it because of the history he shares with original Shiro. He has no relationship with Kuron) with Hunk stating “but Shiro’s not Shiro anymore”. Hunk - and implicitly the rest of the team save Keith - is willing to give up on him in a heartbeat, despite the moments they’ve shared since he stepped onto the bridge all freshened up (Tailing a Comet, S3E6). Even the original Shiro - who must have known Kuron only ever had good intentions for him (and black) to have allowed Kuron pilot black at all - calls Kuron a “thing” with disgust (All Good Things, S6E6) and an “evil clone” (you know the season 7 drill by now).

When Kuron is revealed to have been a clone, even Keith ceases to care for the person inside, referring to him as “this body” (Defender of All Universes, S6E7) instead of treating him as a person. The team of supposed heroes all watch as Allura takes Shiro’s quintessence from the black lion and superimposes it over Kuron’s existence. And it’s not like Kuron was dead. Keith says the body is “barely living” so he was definitely alive. But this was of no consequence to our heroes and they kill him without remorse. EPs tried to remedy this a little by saying in an interview that Kuron and Shiro were merged into one person, with Shiro absorbing all of Kuron’s memories. But extra-canonical explanations already hold little weight (on account of not being deemed relevant enough to be included in canon) and that little is reduced to nothing when canon directly contradicts it. If Shiro had truly absorbed Kuron’s memories, he would have seen how tortured Kuron was by Haggar’s control, how confused and afraid and in pain he was, and how he only ever wanted to do the right thing. If Shiro has absorbed Kuron’s memories - including those of delighting in playing M&M or reaching out to Lance for help - there is no way he would still call Kuron evil. It makes no sense at all.

In the end, Kuron was brought into existence to suffer and die unceremoniously at the hands of the people he called friends. Charming.

Want to know a flop of a character? Romelle. I mean, really now. She was only relevant for one episode! Her entire purpose was exposition on what Lotor was really doing and then she never again did anything of consequence but hung around for two full seasons after. More character flops include ALL of the MFE pilots. Seriously, why did we need them at all? The most relevant of them is James LastNameICantRemember (and of course in a perfect parallel to team voltron, the white boy is the leader) yet he even is a waste of a character. We first see him in a flashback in the black paladins as the kid Keith got in a fight with. All well and good. Now why, pray tell, did we need any more information about this kid? All we ever needed to know was that Keith clashed with his classmates, period. He suddenly becomes Keith’s rival except not really? Because they aren’t really competing. Keith is of course a far superior pilot to the rest of his class so he’s rather untouchable and he knows it. He’s a show off and gets all his classmates (including Lance and Hunk) in trouble for it. James makes a nasty comment about Keith’s parents and the fight is on. Given all of this, I still fail to see why James requires any fleshing out or recurrence in the show. Hell, I fail to see why he even requires a last name!

It also bothers me that we see this whole rivalry with a brand spanking new character yet we never see when or why Lance decided to see Keith as his rival. But that would require acknowledging Lance’s insecurities - that never actually get addressed - and recognising him as a character whose purpose isn’t solely to be in love with Allura, so I can see why they skimped on that. Lance is also the only main character (save Coran) that doesn’t get a flashback during which they are the focus. Pidge gets all the Holt stuff and sneaking into the Garrison, Allura gets the first recollection to Zarkon’s final attack when she is put in stasis, Hunk gets the scenes with his family when they’re taken hostage, Keith gets the events leading up to his birth and the whole background on why he never gives up in Shiro. Even Shiro at least gets his breakup with Adam where he’s the focus. But Lance? Lance is always a side character in someone else’s story.

The entire Earth arc was stupid and boring to be frank. Voltron has never required more than a single episode to save one planet. In fact, it only took them 2 episodes to liberate a third of the Galra’s conquered territory (Begin the Blitz, S4E5; A New Defender, S4E6) so why do we spend so much time planning for an attack on Earth? It feels like wasted time to me. All those episodes of military nonsense could have been spent on developing characters and relationships further. In fact, the atlas needn’t even have been built by the time voltron arrived (it doesn’t even make sense that it was conveniently built anyway because why was Sam making that monster of a ship???). They could’ve have reached earth, found it colonised by some fringe general, freed it and then spent some time building a replacement castle, but word of voltron’s arrival on earth eventually reaches Sendak and that’s why he comes and attacks with his full fleet. With some time spent on Earth not doing military stuff, we could’ve met Hunk and Lance’s families properly in s7. We could’ve seen Shiro and the Holts interact.

Allura’s alchemy (lbr it’s just magic) is also just so wishy washy. We are never told what exactly she can or cannot do and sometimes she saves the day by hubsfjz. Sometimes she can’t save the day by hubsfjz. When she can and can’t? Who knows! That’s up to plot. Once we get to Oriande I have zero clue what is even going on with her alchemy anymore. What are sacred alteans anyway? Are they connected to the mark of the chosen? And what does she even gain from Oriande that she didn’t have before? By the time we get to the season 6 finale there is no tension at all because sure, there are several rips in the fabric of reality, but can’t Allura just fix it? No? She can’t? She doesn’t possess this level of alchemic knowledge? Then what the fresh hell was the point of going to Oriande! I thought Oriande was supposed to be the source of all alchemic knowledge!

Everything about Lotor made no sense. Until this day, I still have no idea why he did anything he did. He wanted to get quintessence from the quintessence field, but for what? For the empire? He never seemed to actually care for the empire so that’s unlikely. What was his motivation for anything? And why was he treated as worse than Zarkon and Honerva? I mean, I personally always saw him as a villain and expected him and team voltron’s alliance to fall apart because he was never actually redeemed from his position in s3 and s4. In HitS he expressly states that if the paladins never return from the other reality then it's a win for him, and he kills Narti with no hesitation (Black Site, S4E3) so he was very much meant to be a villainous character, but surely not worse than his parents? All of Zarkon’s misdeeds were wiped away as quintessence poisoning (or dark entity possession, the show is never quite sure what it’s doing here) but by that logic, shouldn’t Lotor’s be as well? He was literally born of the rift, so wouldn’t he also be somewhat possessed? And Honerva tried to destroy all realities just because she couldn’t have her happy ending (I mean, relatable. I didn’t want any endgame ships because it became clear I wasn’t getting any of mine bc yeah I’m that petty when I’m upset, but still) and she did this in her right mind, clear of all influence yet she was still redeemed in a second. And yet Lotor received none of this grace, despite actually being the most sympathetic of the three.

Voltron itself became so useless. As in the robot. All the power ups that were crammed into the final two seasons (especially season 7) and yet the robot never won a fight on its own. They always needed some interference to save their asses. How did voltron remain the most powerful weapon in the universe for TEN THOUSAND YEARS without being used, and yet the paladins disappear for just three years and suddenly technology has moved past them completely??? Doesn’t add up. And yet Keith is still telling us (to Shiro’s face haha YIKES) that voltron is more powerful than ever when it’s really not. Voltron gets its ass kicked on the daily. More still, the power ups were so much more impactful in the first two seasons because they were earned. They were spaced out and actually effective and were an obvious result of earned bonding between paladin and lion. The entire second arc has very little lion-Paladin bonding (mainly just Allura and blue in season 3) and then suddenly a bunch of them are rushed in the final arc. It doesn’t feel natural. And each paladin should have gotten a bayard weapon in voltron but they don’t. Keith forms the sword, Hunk forms the cannon with multiple target ability, Pidge forms the rocket thing(?) but Lance never forms anything. Neither do Shiro or Allura (they both form the blazing sword I suppose, but that’s only in conjunction with Keith as neither of them actually form the sword). All the weapons we see formed with multiple bayards are also very random. Look at Steven Universe, where the fusions form weapons that are combinations of the individuals’ gem weapons. Does voltron make that much sense? No! Lance and Pidge form dual swords, despite neither of them actually forming the single sword! Keith and Lance form...big wings I guess, despite Keith’s weapon being the sword and Lance not having a weapon at all. Allura and Hunk forming rocket blasters at least somewhat makes sense because Hunk’s single weapon is the multiple target cannon, but seeing as Pidge forms rockets shouldn’t it be Pidge and Hunk?

Keith and Lance’s relationship was set up to be an important one (I don’t mean romantic, but important). In a show about found family, characters within the team that are at odds are always going to have receive focus on their relationship growth until they reach an understanding (this is why Keith and Allura were also set up to have one of the most important dynamics). This focus is always going to happen with “rivals”. That doesn’t mean they end up dating (although sometimes they do) but it means their dynamic has to develop and change and improve a lot more than others. Like I said before, conflict begets growth and Keith and Lance had conflict in spades. They initially bickered incessantly but worked well together (Return to the Balmera, S1E7; Eye of the Storm, S2E5). In season 3, Lance supports Keith early in his tenure as pilot of the black lion, and Keith attempts to reassure Lance of his place on the team in TAC. They have each other’s backs, although Keith is still unaware as to why Lance pinned him as a rival in the first place. And then Keith leaves and their friendship never picks up again. They never discuss the origin of the rivalry and can hardly be considered friends until season 8, where they randomly have two Deep Meaningful Conversations (Launch Date, S8E1; the one where Allura is in a coma) despite doing none of the work to get to the stage where they have such conversations. It’s not convincing at all. And the reason any positive development between them was scrapped after season 3 is most likely to discourage shippers, which is frankly a terrible reason to mess with your characters and relationships.

The sheer number of dropped plots and threads. What a waste of story time. Team Sincline being a perfect mirror of team Voltron? Nothing happened with that because we never even get to see them form Sincline together (Narti is dead before the final ship is even built so uhh). Keith having future vision or quintessence detecting or whatever? Who knows why or what that is. It’s certainly never explained. It existed entirely to make him cool and spicy. Lance’s altean broadsword? Even Jeremy Shada wasn’t aware if he ever used it because it only shows up for like two seconds and was obviously used as an afterthought. Alternate reality alteans? HA! They were only there to make us ever so thankful that our reality altea was destroyed because look, they’re even worse than the galra, at least the galra left people with their free will. And Zarkon was only as bad as he was because of the rift (he’s suddenly a good guy in Honerva’s mind in s8), whereas empress Allura did all this rift-free. Why was Acxa in the weblum? Who knows, who cares. Why did she and Keith keep saving each other? Who knows who cares! Even the lion goddess stuff never makes a return.

The entirety of the eighth season made no sense. Allura’s death was pointless. Seriously. We don’t even know how she fixed anything. She just walked towards the light and died and somehow? Everything is okay now? No, that doesn’t make any sense. Was it her quintessence? Her hair? What exactly fixed all realities? And how did Altea and Daibazaal return? They were both destroyed by being blown up, they weren’t eaten by the rift of anything. So how did they come back? And did they come back with all the people or just as ghost planets? Did all the other planets that were destroyed during the war (like the one Lotor colonised but in a ~friendly~ way that made Zarkon angry enough to blow it up) also reappear? Voltron doesn’t care to say.

So this is all I can remember for now. There’s probably a ton more things that are either problematic or senseless but I’m all vented out so I’ll leave it here for now. Peace out.

[krissykat420]

All the things I've needed to say

Hello, 

First of all I want to ask that you please bear with me and my words as I try my fucking hardest to slice my chest open with this paper and pour my heart out onto it at the same time. I've prayed for guidance and for you. 

I hate the words “I'm sorry” as they do nothing to convey if someone is sincerely and unconditionally sorry. Also, I've found myself using this phrase out of pure routine and avoidance....without any true feelings of sympathy or guilt. I've always been someone to refrain from recognizing and accepting my wrongs. My pride is high even if my self-esteem is low and I do agree that I display narcissistic traits. I often apologize to avoid dealing with an issue rather than honestly admitting my faults and accepting the shame guilt and remorse associated with them. I do have that ability I just choose to avoid it at times to feel like I am not to blame. I feel as if I am trying to explain someone who I have lived as and you have lived with....someone who you could so easily explain while I struggle to explain the nature of the girl staring back at me in the mirror. 

okay, I know that I have made enough jail references and it is becoming more of a distant experience instead of a recent challenge. However, I'm going to try to recall some of the nights I spent full of emotions with a bible in my lap and tears in my eyes trying to figure out how to make it in there and out here. I've always been codependent even though I claim independence and being forced to depend on myself and my God alone was what I needed to experience. I told myself regularly that jail was a necessity to my survival as God made it part of His plan for my life. I needed jail and I desperately needed to realize that I was not God and I was not able to decide the worth of others. It took me months to accept that I had made the decisions I had made and I had treated those who loved me most so fucking wrong. I still have a hard time believing that I was so cruel and cold. Feelings of pure shame and embarrassment sit at the bottom of my stomach every single day. I still try to mask these feelings by disregarding the severity of my actions and laughing at the story of it all. I am still learning how to cope outside of punishment and distance from those I hurt. I need to pray about this more and focus on the future rather than the damages of the past. 

I remember when things first began for us in every way. I remember hating you because you had a idgaf attitude that I actually envied. I remember the way you enjoyed life and focused on your happiness rather than meeting the needs of everyone else. Even down to sleeping with a damn ashtray because you do shit how you do it. I think that Ive always been attracted to you since I met you but different aspects have been highlighted over the years. Your personality and your mannerisms, your gestures, expressions, your behaviors all together attract me more than I could explain. I know that throughout our relationship arguments and attempts to change you were frequent as this happens with every relationship I have been in in the past. I am someone who likes to make projects out of people instead of finding a legit hobby to occupy my time and attention. I find myself so focused on avoiding my own issue and instead magnifying the “problems” I find within others. I hate that I do this because I know that I strive to be more open minded and accepting as a person all together. I find myself getting lost in the moment so often that I fail to realize patterns of my behaviors and the repeated consequences. I seriously have to create timelines in my head frequently to reflect on how insane my behaviors look. I want to stop this cycle so bad. I judge the person closest to me so much to avoid judging myself when that is who I need to be focused on instead. 

Anyways back to you, whenever I brought you to my house when you were avoiding my ex husband I did because I was uncomfortable with my choices and I wanted you to know what I was doing. I needed someone who cared to break that pipe and tell me I was fucking up and deserving of more. Its like someone who cuts their wrists but doesn't cover them up completely when going to school....so that its a call for help. I wanted you to care CJ. I know that I said that I purposely “got you addicted” but I lied to seem even more heartless than I was. I didn't have any premeditated thoughts of trying to get you addicted like I was however misery does love company and I was miserable inside and out. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and I wanted someone who loved me around to lessen the guilt and shame that I felt inside. As time passed I pushed those feelings back and focused on my ego alone. I treated you so badly because I was in love with myself and who I had become at that time. I knew that if anyone could destroy my ego then it was you so I attempted to destroy yours first. I manipulated, abused and took advantage of you in every way possible because it fueled my ego. I was not only on a high from drug use but a high from false power and control. I honestly think that I allowed the devil to enter my life in ways that I never have before. I have had a faith in God since I was younger as I prayed to Him with full realization for the first time in the passenger seat of my moms old Honda car in our drive way one night when I was about 12 years old. I've given my testimony in front of my home church when I was younger and I've rededicated my life more than once. I turned my back on God when I was in high school and found God again in rehab. I know that I need a closer relationship with Him today as I became closer to him in jail and have distanced myself again since I was released. I never want to allow myself to become so lost again. I never want to have a disregard for life like I did before......testing God, thinking I was God at times and seriously playing with nothing but fire. 

Even though I have not made every right decision since I am a lot more aware of how scared I am of myself and who I have been in the past. I am trying my absolute best to focus on the present and live in the moment in a positive way. However the stress the unknown future does affect me and my choices. I am trying to be the best me I can be today. I am also trying my hardest to give you the best of me as well. I know that I've disappointed you but part of me knows that I am again falling back on the cutting wrist example given earlier. I desire affection and attention and I want that from you. I also need direction and discipline as I have lacked so much In the past but I also want that from you. I'm still clearly struggling with self discipline, self love (without drugs), and being content with myself. 

I know that no amount of words could ever compare to action and time to show that I am sincerely, honestly and completely dedicated to our happiness. I hope that I've given you some insight into the craziness of my mind. 

I think of our family, our happiness and the future I want for us so badly. I also feel so undeserving of this yet I know everyone deserves the best. CJ you are my best and I just want to be your best too. I promise I will die trying for not only you but my daughter as well. 

Lost story short, I'll die sorry for who I've been and I'll be forever burying that part of my past.

[pbjpuppy]

do every oc question but with horsepower PLEASE

DUDE I WAS SO HOPING SOMEONE WOULD ASK ABT HER IM SO EXCITED

THIS IS SO LONG SO I’M PUTTING A READMORE

1. Do they sleep with a stuffed animal? If they have multiple, who’s the favorite?

SHE does Not surprisingly!! BUT similarly to Giovanni with his kids, Serene is always sleeping next to her bc she’s Warm and Soft so it’s like, kinda the same thing 

She IS the type to love sleeping with a ton of pillows though

2. Can they take care of a plant? What about a pet? What about a child?

Horsie doesn’t have the world’s greenest thumb but she could probably keep a houseplant alive!! She likes nature a lot she’s just not stellar at gardening

She would be REALLY GOOD with a pet though that animal would THRIVE and she’d be the type to take like 400 pictures of her pet and spam everyone with them like “Look at this Fucking Angel” 

And she’s DEFINITELY GOOD W KIDS seeing as she’s basically raising Serene!! Serene can testify that she’s the Best babysitter (even if she accidentially taught Serene like. 20 separate curse words gdgjdsk) 

3. Ask them to describe their love interest.

OOH FUN DIALOGUE

“Um, she’s.. REALLY pretty. Like, really fuckin’ pretty. I think she made me like, 17% more lesbian the first time I saw her. And like, we’ve known each other for a long time and we know each other’s secrets n’ stuff… ahahah, that came out really weird! I just mean we’re good friends, y’know? Hah. Anyway, she’s a bad bitch, I’d die for her. Love her.”

Her love interest is actually a character named Destiny who I havent drawn yet!!

4. Do they look good in red?

I think she could pull it off bc red is in her color scheme but also like.. there’s already so much warm colors!! I think she looks the best in gray or black tbh (like imagine her in a black suit or something she’d look SNAZZY)

5. Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Will they give one, and what about?

“HHuuh WHAT AM I S’POSED TO TALK ABOUT? Fuck. Uh. Respect lesbians.” Mic drop

6. Who will they take advice from, no matter what it is? Who won’t they take advice from, no matter what it is?

She’ll ALWAYS take advice from her friends, especially Destiny, bc she trusts them to know when she’s being too hot-headed or rash- There’s a character in her friend group who hasn’t got a name yet but he’s REALLY good at giving advice!!

She will NEVER take advice from her old rival Lockjaw, and she shouldn’t- he’s always out to sabotage her somehow and plays dirty a lot of the time, and he’s known to be a huge liar (Plus they just hate each other)

7. Describe them in three words. Now let them describe themself in three words.

My three words: Fiery, protective, loving!!

Her three words: “Uh.. Gay. Handsome. Wait, scratch that. Gay, HOT, optimist.”

8. Do complex puzzles intrigue or frustrate them?

She WANTS to be intrigued but she just gets frustrated and crumples up the paper after a few minutes if it’s not a super easy riddle sjhsjf she knows by now that it’s just Not Worth It

9. Do they empathize with non-sentient things (dolls, plants, books…)?

She only usually does with like people (or I guess furry)-shaped objects like stuffed animals and dolls, and even then not to an extreme degree- it’s really Serene who has the EXTREME empathy and empathizes with everything!!

10. What age do they most want to be right now?

THIS IS SUCH AN INTERESTING QUESTION she misses being a kid like Serene is a lot, but she’s pretty happy where she is- she’s in a better place than she has been for a long time at the current point of her story! If anything, she wishes she could go back and tell her middle/high school self that things are gonna be okay

11. They’ve won the lottery. Spend, or save?

She’d SAY she’s gonna save it and REALLY try but she wouldn’t be able to resist splurging on some really cool stuff bc COME ON she won the LOTTERY!! She’d also wanna buy gifts for the Monster family because she wants to thank them for how generous they’ve been to her so it’s really very wholesome 

12. Do they like romance in the books they read (or in the book they’re in)?

She doesn’t READ that’s for NERDS

JUST KIDDIN but nah she’s not really one for “mushy stuff” and prefers action/adventure stories!! She’s also a fan of mysteries and anything that’s not Painfully Heterosexual 

13. Name one thing their parents taught them.

Her parents weren’t the best, but they did teach her very good manners- she did go through a BIG rebel phase where she definitely was Not as polite, but overall her politeness and natural charisma really help her out in social situations (especially when she has to get favors from people and stuff)

14. Would they agree with the term ‘guilty pleasure’? Do they have any?

I think she’d agree with the term in a general sense!! I’m not sure exactly what guilty pleasures she has, probably just the fact that she can be kind of a thrill-seeker and take unnecessary risks- not involving Serene though ofc

15. What would they consider a waste of time– other than school or work?

The first thing that came to mind is that she considers arguing with people you KNOW aren’t gonna change their mind to be a waste of time- Especially when it comes to social justice type issues she knows not to waste her energy on people who just won’t listen (but she’s argumentative by nature and usually ends up doing it against her better judgement)

16. If money wasn’t a limit, what would they wear?

LEATHER JACKETS AND COOL BOOTS AND SUCH!! She’d also wanna buy a bunch of cool pins to put on said jacket (And she’d probably have to get it tailored bc of her wings too which would also be money..) She would also probably get some kind of cool patterned horseshoes!!

17. Do they like children?

Yes she DOES and Serene is her favorite (Even though she calls her a booger)

19. Do they study before tests? Practice before job interviews?

NOPE she usually dives into most things headfirst, which can be VERY UNWISE but she feels like it keeps her brain clear to not stress about stuff beforehand  

20. What do they like that nobody else does?

HMM… I don’t really have an answer for this one tbh!! I’ve been thinking about it for a bit, the only thing that I can think of is that she likes waking up REALLY early and the smell of smoke, but lots of people also like those things

21. What would it take for them to break up with someone? What would be the last straw?

She’s actually really bad at getting out of situations like that, like if she’s in a relationship she’s not happy in she’s bad at getting herself out of it- but probably something that really make her realize she needs to get outta there would be if the other person seriously hurt her on purpose 

22. Do they like being called pet names? Do they call other people pet names? What’s their go-to?

She LOVES pet names and calls EVERYONE pet names (unless they’re not comfortable ofc)!! Nicknames are kinda hard to make from “Horsepower” so a lot of the time she’s given weird affectionate pet names instead, it’s somthing that she’s kinda known for

DEFINITELY her go-to pet name is “babe”, she calls almost everyone that and I like to imagine that it’s very soothing bc she has a lovely deep voice.. other go-to pet names are baby, hon and love!! She has a lot of personal nicknames/pet names for individual people though 

Tbh she only really refers to someone as their full name if she doesn’t know them or if she’s mad at them shfshf

23. Stability or novelty?

Novelty!! Stability is important to her but she gets bored and anxious if she’s stuck in the same routine for too long, that’s why she likes taking care of Serene bc Serene is ALWAYS doing new things

24. Honesty or charity?

Ooh that’s difficult… Once again both are important values to her, but I’m gonna go with honesty- she’s a very (bluntly) honest person

25. Safety or possibility?

Possibility!! As established before she’s kinda a daredevil she doesn't care about SAFETY (unless it’s anyone else but her doing it then she’s gonna lecture them)

26. Talent or effort?

Effort!! She is EXTREMELY passionate and such an overachiever about everything shkfskh it’s like Hey Horsepower Can You Do This Simple Task For Me and she’s like Oh You Wanted Me To Change The World? I’ll Do That

27. Forgiveness or vengeance (or…)?

Definitely vengeance she holds grudges REALLY BAD and as kind as she tries to be if someone who hurt her or her friends gets hurt… she can’t help being satisfied

30. What would they do if they knew it would be forgiven?

OH THATS A HEAVY QUESTION since she holds grudges so bad she’s probably try to get revenge on Lockjaw for all the grief he’s caused her over the years, if she knew she’d be off the hook she’d get really nasty about it bc her anger at him has just been Boiling for years 

WOW THAT TOOK A WHILE BUT IT WAS SO EXTREMELY FUN THANK U SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!! I’ll do the other one tomorrow bc I need to go to BED 

Also I did cut out a few questions!! I either didn’t wanna answer them or I had answered them before 

[canyousevmyheavydirtysoul]

on the 8th day of 🎄, canyousevmyheavydirtysoul gave to you...

Decorating with Fall Out Boy.

Joe:

“No, it can’t be,” you murmured to yourself, leaning closer over the steering wheel and squinting to get a clearer look through the windshield.

You were approaching your house, and from what you could see, there appeared to be something hanging from the roof. You had a nasty suspicion that it was either your boyfriend or his bandmate, but you gave them the benefit of the doubt and shook it off; surely they couldn’t be that incapable of hanging Christmas decorations.

Upon pulling into your driveway, your suspicions were confirmed.

Your boyfriend, Joe, was dangling from the roof, holding onto a string of Christmas lights for dear life as Pete stood on the roof tiles, frantically trying to pull him up.

“OH MY GOD!” you exclaimed in a mixture of horror, disbelief and infuriation, hurriedly exiting your car and sprinting across the lawn to where the previously propped up ladder lay on the grass.

Swiftly, you set the ladder underneath Joe and carefully guided his feet to the steps. Once he was safely on the ladder, Pete let go and both guys sighed heavily in relief.

“Seriously, you guys?” you threw your hands up before setting them on your hips, frowning at both of them, “Can I not ever leave you two alone? First, you bury Joe in the snow, then you use the roof-gutter as monkey-bars!”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Joe spoke, stepping down from the ladder, “But this really wasn’t our fault! The ladder fell over.”

“Uh huh,” you ran your tongue along the inside of your cheek and nodded, “And why exactly did the ladder fall over, Joe?”

Scratching the back of his neck, Joe avoided your gaze; as did Pete, who whistled through the silence.

“That’s what I thought,” you nodded mockingly before turning around and grabbing your bags from the car before heading inside, “Just know that now, not only will Pete definitely not be our baby’s godfather, but you two are never, ever allowed alone with them!”

Andy:

You stifled a laugh as you watched Andy struggle to wrap the tinsel all around the tall frame of the Christmas tree.

“Why the heck did we buy such a huge tree?” he complained, stretching his arms as far as he could in order to wrap the tinsel around the entire tree.

“You’re the one who wanted a big one,” you chuckled, walking over to assist your husband, “Need I remind you the tantrum you threw over wanting to get this specific one?”

“You’re smarter than me,” he retorted as he draped the final piece of tinsel over the lower branches, “You’re supposed to stop me from doing such stupid things.”

“I’ve been doing that for almost five years now,” you pointed out, adjusting one of the baubles that had gone askew, “I think I’ve earned a little break. There,” you smiled, stepping back to admire the tree, “Beautiful.”

“Yes, you are,” he cooed, scooping you into his arms and nuzzling your neck, making you giggle in adoration.

“You’re such a dork,” you mumbled, ruffling his short hair as much as was possible.

“You love my dorkiness!” he defended, “Why else would you have stayed with me for five whole years?”

“Gosh,” you breathed, wrapping your arms around his neck and shaking your head in disbelief, “Can you believe it’s been that long already?”

“I know,” he murmured, gazing soulfully at you, “It’s crazy. I can still remember the moment we first met as if it happened yesterday. I knew my life would change for the better from that moment, and I was right. It has. I love you more than anything.”

“I love you too,” you whispered, “Happy anniversary, baby.”

Pete:

“Doll, help me put the star up?” Pete called out, struggling to reach the top of the towering Christmas tree.

“A star?” you quizzed, stepping into the living room, “I thought we agreed that we would put an angel on top.”

“When did we agree on that?” he replied with a confused scrunch of his face.

“It’s a given, is it not? Angels belong on the top of the Christmas tree. Not stars.”

“That’s bullshit,” Pete snorted, and you let out an offended gasp.

Pete let out a gasp too, but the purpose of his one was to mock you.

The two of you stood in silence, staring at one another – eyes slightly twitching. A minute later, the soundtrack of the classic western standoff started playing, and the both of you slowly pivoted your head to look at Joe, who was playing the music from his phone.

“Go on,” he encouraged, making a shooing motion with his hands.

“Pete,” you spoke, turning back to your boyfriend, “we’re putting an angel up there. End of argument.”

“No, we’re not! Everyone knows that stars belong up there!”

This back and forth continued on for the better part of an hour, during which both you and Pete each made multiple attempts to place your respective ornament on top of the tree as Joe observed from his seat on the nearby armchair. It was mildly entertaining at first, but after almost an hour, the novelty had worn off, and he was beginning to get irritated.

While you two were preoccupied with arguing, Joe took the opportunity to find a way to secure both the star and the angel on top of the tree.

“GUYS!”

“What?” you and Pete yelled in unison, whipping around to face Joe, who held out his hands to draw your attention to his solution.

“Oh,” you said.

“Wow,” Pete added.

“That looks stupid,” you snorted.

“So stupid.”

“What were you thinking, Joe?”

“Yeah. Take it down.”

“But I… You… I just,” Joe stammered, gesturing between you two and the tree. He gave up and waved a dismissive hand soon after. “Ah, fuck it. You two can fight it out. Ungrateful bitches.”

Patrick:

You winced as you heard a crash; the unmistakeable sound of glass shattering. Turning around, you saw your boyfriend, wincing too and giving a sheepish smile.

“My mom got me those ornaments! Stop breaking them!” you scolded, carefully securing a bauble to the tree.

“It’s not like I’m trying to break them!” he defended, gasping when another one slipped out of his grasp, resulting in yet another crash; the third one so far. “Oops,” he chuckled nervously, casting his gaze downwards when he saw the death glare you were giving him. “Uh, maybe you should handle these.”

“I think that would be best,” you agreed, rushing to take the remaining three ornaments from your husband’s arms before they too suffered a tragic end. “You can take over with these.”

“Okie dokie,” he replied happily, quite content in being tasked with handling the baubles.

Until you started yelling again, that is.

“THAT IS NOT WHERE THE BAUBLES ARE SUPPOSED TO GO!”

Patrick startled so much, his fedora fell off.

“WHY ARE YOU YELLING?”

“BECAUSE YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!”

“I’M SORRY!”

“YOU SHOULD BE!”

“I AM!”

“GOOD!”

“Ugh,” he groaned, removing the silver ball from the tree and readjusting its position so that it fell into the pattern you had going, “There. Is that better?”

“That’s perfect,” you beamed, “You’re amazing.”

Patrick raised an amused eyebrow. “Oh, so now I’m amazing? I could’ve sworn you were about to file for divorce a minute ago.”

You frowned at him before looking down at your swollen tummy and gently caressing it.

“It’s not my fault I’m having mood swings. Blame baby Stump,” you pouted, and he sniggered, moving to plant a kiss on your head, and then kneeling to plant one on your stomach too, making you giggle.

“It’s alright, I can handle it. It’ll be worth it in the end,” smooching your tummy one more time, he started rubbing it slowly, “You’re the best Christmas gift I coulda ever wished for.”

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Thank you for reading x