#series is definitely a little plot heavy lol

[iwritesickfic]

Surprise

part 1! - partially in response to a few prompts, partially its own thing. enjoy!

Seamus is almost vibrating with excitement. He hasn’t seen Theo in a month, and tonight is finally going to be the night. He’s been touring, and though Seamus would love to travel with him, he has all his own shit to do in Ireland. Lots of shit. Unfortunately.

But he finally had the time to fly the 7 and a half hours to New York to see Theo perform this week. And Theo has no idea. He's taken every precaution to make sure of that.

The show is just about over, and Seamus is standing in one of the cinderblock and concrete access hallways below the stadium, fidgeting like he’s waiting for his prom date.

Then Theo’s there, swarmed by crew members and production people, gorgeous as ever. He’s still a ways away down the hall, and it doesn’t seem like he’s seen Seamus yet. He gives it a few moments before calling out.

“Theo!” A few heads turn, and Theo looks around, totally confused, so Seamus calls again. “Theo!” His voice echoes in the cavernous space, and finally Theo’s eyes find his. Then he’s sprinting down the hallway toward him, nearly knocking Seamus over as they embrace.

The first thing Seamus notices above all else is how hard he’s trembling. It’s more like shaking. Seamus holds him tight, pulling him flush against him, and feels Theo start to cry, his face buried in Seamus’s neck. He's sobbing, gasping for breath. He’s slick with sweat, his hair stuck to his temples and forehead.

“Hey, it’s alright,” Seamus says gently, and kisses his cheek. “Are you happy to see me?” He asks teasingly, and Theo pulls back, looking half overjoyed and half exhausted. He presses a kiss to Seamus’s lips, then rests his forehead on his, eyes closed. He's out of breath - from the crying or the sprint or the kiss Seamus isn't sure.

“You have no fucking idea,” Theo whispers. His voice sounds totally shot, and he’s still shaking. He’s flushed and warm too, but that can probably be chalked up to the fact he just did a two hour set under stage lights. “Please tell me you’re staying the night. Please, fuck.”

His arms are looped around Seamus's neck.

“As long as you want,” Seamus says, and presses another kiss to his cheek. God, he’s warm. He runs his hand through Theo’s sweat damp hair, pushing some off his face and forehead. “You wanna sit down?” Theo nods, and Seamus guides him to a folding chair. He stumbles, and Seamus catches him by the elbow.

He’s getting more and more concerned with each passing moment. He’s seen Theo after shows before, and it’s never this bad. He almost seems drunk.

Theo practically collapses into the chair, then folds forward, elbows on knees, head in his hands. His greasy strands of auburn hair hang down around his face. Seamus lays a hand on his back and squats down.

"Are you ok?" he asks, hushed, and Theo nods, but doesn't say anything. "Are you sure?" He swallows thickly and looks up.

"I'm so happy you're here Shay, I'm just having a terrible fucking day and I-" he stops abruptly as he sees something over Seamus's shoulder and forces a smile.

"Amazing show tonight!" a female voice says, and Seamus looks back to see Emma, the tour manager. Immediately Seamus feels his shoulders tense. He and Emma always seem to be getting into screaming matches. He never intends it to be that way, but that's how it always ends up.

"Thanks," Theo says, voice still hoarse. She keeps walking, and as soon as she's gone, his smile drops again. He lowers his voice and looks back to Seamus. "Can we just go? Please, can we go home?" He sounds on the verge of tears, like he's unsure of what the response will be. Seamus tucks some of his hair behind his ear.

"Teddy, of course." He's beyond worried now. Theo stands, and Seamus is about to make a joke when Theo's eyes roll back. Then he's falling. Seamus is frozen for a second before he makes a desperate grab for his arm. It doesn't help. He's limp, and though Seamus manages to break his fall somewhat, he's on the ground. "Theo!"

A crowd starts to gather almost immediately, and Seamus's heart feels like it's going to burst out of his throat.

Theo's eyes are already fluttering open again, but in contrast to how flushed he was a minute ago, he's gray-pale now. A soft noise escapes his chapped lips.

There's a medic kneeling beside them now, and Seamus lays his hand on Theo's chest. Theo's hand clumsily finds his, fingers still trembling. Seamus's hand is shaking too.

"You with us, Theodore?" the medic asks, and Theo nods, starting to push himself up. Both Seamus and the medic simultaneously ease him back down. "Whoa, take it slow. Just relax for a minute. I'm gonna take your blood pressure, alright?"

Theo nods again, his eyes falling closed.

The crowd is murmuring, and another medic arrives. They exchange a few words before he goes to work too. Taking his temperature, his blood oxygen, his pulse. The whole time, Seamus is sick to his stomach. He just tries to focus on the feeling of Theo's chest rising and falling beneath his palm.

Finally, they sit him up and he opens his eyes and the first thing he does is lean his forehead down onto Seamus's shoulder. He's still holding his hand, and Seamus squeezes it tight. He's also still extremely warm, and Seamus really wants to ask the medic what his temperature was.

"Dehydrated?" he asks instead, and the medic tilts his head as if to say "sort of." He stands and starts to talk to Emma, who looks more stressed out than concerned. Seamus tries to make out what they're saying, but he can't quite. He knows it's more than dehydration. Something is wrong, and Emma knows. The medic knows. Everyone knows but him. And it's making his blood boil.

"Shay, please, I wanna go home," Theo whispers, his lips hot and dry against Seamus's throat. His face is tucked in the crook of Seamus’s neck. His pleading, soft voice brings Seamus back down, and he's able to shift his focus.

"I know," he whispers back. He rubs his back, and Theo hums. "When did you start feeling sick?"

"I'm fine. Please just get me the fuck out of here." He's obviously not fine, but now isn't the time to argue the obvious. The second medic returns with a bottle of Pedialyte and a straw, which Seamus hands to Theo.

"What's - Do you know…?" he asks, and he doesn't miss the way the medic's eyes dart over to Emma before he answers. It relights the fire in his stomach.

"Low blood pressure from dehydration. Once he drinks that he should be good to go," he says, and leaves before Seamus can ask anything else.

"Maybe we could get you an IV?" Seamus asks, and Theo shakes his head.

"Seamus, please just get me home. Please."

"Ok."

He texts the driver to pull around and a flags down a PA to grab them a golf cart. He has to practically hold Theo up as they get into the cart, and as soon as they sit down, he presses his too warm body against Seamus's.

It's the same story for the car, and as soon as the door shuts and they're on their way, Theo lets out a heavy sigh.

"What's going on?" Seamus finally asks, and Theo tucks his head back against his shoulder.

“Tough show,” he mumbles, and when Seamus's silence indicates he isn't satisfied with that explanation, he sighs "I feel like shit.”

"I can tell." He presses his lips to Theo's temple, and is sure beyond a shadow of a doubt he has a fever. "How long?"

"Long time," Theo says. Seamus has so many questions he can't even get one out.

"You've been sick?" He finally asks. Theo nods. "How… What is it?"

"My throat,” he murmurs, and Seamus brings his hand to Theo’s throat, feeling under his jaw. Sure enough, his glands are swollen, and when he brushes his fingertips over them Theo stiffens.

“Baby,” Seamus breathes out, and Theo shakes his head weakly.

“It's not that bad.” Again, Seamus doesn't need to say anything for Theo to get the message. “Ok, well it's better. It's getting better.”

Finally, Seamus asks the question that's been bothering him the most.

“Why didn't you say anything?”

Theo takes a breath like he's about to speak, but the sound of his phone ringing cuts him off. Seamus is about to tell him to leave it, but Theo is already pulling it up to his ear.

“Hey,” his weak voice says, and though Seamus can hear someone speaking on the other end, he can't make out who. Eventually, he just hands the phone over to Seamus.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Seamus. You guys are headed back to Brooklyn?” It's Zeke, Theo's manager.

“Yeah, we’re on the bridge.” He pauses, staring out the window.

“Ok, that's fine, we were all just wondering where you guys went. Especially since he passed out, we wouldn't - well… It's just good you're getting him home.”

“Tell me what's been going on,” Seamus says, and Theo makes a small sound of protest beside him.

“Seamus,” he whispers, as if pleading with him to drop it.

“Realistically, we can’t cancel every time-” Zeke starts.

“Zeke!” Seamus snaps, incredulous.

“I care about him just as much as you, but what has to be done has to be done.” Even he doesn’t sound fully convinced.

“Spare me,” Seamus spits back.

“Shay, please,” Theo murmurs, and Seamus takes a deep breath.

“Just tell me everything.”

–

He didn’t have to carry Theo in from the car, but he certainly had to carry him upstairs. He’s exhausted, not even to mention the fever he's running. Someone in perfect health would be exhausted after the tour schedule Theo has.

He’s had some kind of throat infection for at least the last month, and he's been doped up on painkillers and antibiotics nonstop for the last two weeks. In the interest of keeping him on stage they've had a doctor shooting him up with Prednisone before each show. If it wasn't for the steroid shots he likely wouldn't be able to talk, let alone sing.

Seamus always knew deep down the label would do anything to keep their tour rolling. But he never imagined it would come to this. Performing with a throat injury is playing with fire, it’ll be a miracle if his voice doesn’t need serious rehab. For now though, Seamus is just focused on trying to make the best of the situation at hand.

Theo is sitting on the edge of their bed, flushed and shivering, while Seamus slowly helps him out of his sweat damp clothes. As he goes, he presses kisses to Theo’s overheated skin, slowly and reverently. Theo melts under him, pushing himself as close as he can get.

The way he’s pressing closer, the sounds he’s making - it all says he wants things to go further, but Seamus knows that would be ill advised at best, disastrous at worst, so when Theo’s fully undressed he pulls away.

Still, he leaves one hand on Theo’s head, the other on his shoulder.

“I’m gonna go make some tea, alright?” Seamus says, and Theo gives him such a miserable look Seamus almost wants to forget it and just lie down with him right now. He runs his thumb over Theo’s temple. “I’ll be quick, I promise.”

He kisses his forehead before heading back downstairs to the kitchen. He can’t decide whether he’s more livid or worried out of his mind.

A month. He’s been sick for a month, and he didn’t tell Seamus. Seamus imagines him in fancy hotel rooms trying to sleep with a soaring fever. All by himself. Shivering, aching after a two and a half hour show. It’s enough to make Seamus want to punch a hole in the wall.

While he’s making the tea, he schedules an appointment with Theo’s doctor and his ENT for tomorrow morning. He’ll need to dig through Theo’s bag to find his antibiotics, not that they seem to be doing any good.

The last call he makes is to Emma. While the line rings, his jaw is clenched so hard it hurts.

“Hey there, Seamus,” she says when she picks up.

“Hey there, Emma,” he says, barely holding himself back. “I was just calling to let you know we’ll need to be rescheduling the next week of shows. So that’s…” He squints at his notebook. “The next two nights in Edison, then Boston, Philly, and Pittsburgh.”

There’s a long silence. So long he almost thinks she hung up.

“Ok, Seamus. I understand you’re concerned for him. We’re all concerned for him. We all want what’s best for his health.”

“Emma,” he starts, just barely contained.

“We’ve discussed this in the past, and I’ve explained to you time and time again that he is an adult. He does not need you coming to his rescue, especially when you don’t have the full story. He’s perfectly capable of telling us himself if he’s too unwell to perform. Frankly, I think your behavior -”

“That is such fucking bullshit, and you know it.”

“Please,” she sounds bored more than anything, and that’s only making him angrier. “Can I explain?”

“How he lost 15 pounds in a month? Why he can’t stand up without blacking out? Why I wasn’t told about any of this?”

“You’re his boyfriend. Not his mother, not his husband - his boyfriend. And maybe the question you should be asking is why he didn’t tell you.”

Seamus’s fists are clenched so hard he feels his fingernails digging into his palms. He forces himself to relax. He takes a deep breath before continuing, fighting to keep his voice even.

“The bottom line is he’s not showing up for the next week. So do whatever you need to do, this isn’t a discussion.”

“Maybe you should discuss this with Theo before you break his contracts for him,” she says, her tone more grave. Of course now that her money is on the line it’s suddenly very serious.

“Goodbye, Emma.”

He wants to throw his phone. But the tea is done and Theo is upstairs waiting for him, so he takes another deep breath and heads back up.

When he walks in the doorway to their bedroom his heart nearly breaks in half. Theo's curled under the comforter shivering, breathing like he's trying not to cry.

Seamus doesn't hesitate in getting closer - they've been apart too long. He pulls Theo into his lap and strokes his hair, trying to not let how overheated he feels overwhelm him.

He's on fire with a fever, and it doesn't help that what little Pedialyte he drank has probably burned off already.

“Seamus,” he murmurs, like it's the only word he knows.

“I made you some tea,” Seamus says softly, and Theo makes a soft sound. “I'm gonna grab the thermometer and some ibuprofen and I'll be right back, ok?” He feels Theo nod, so he maneuvers his way out from under him and into their ensuite.

In addition to the thermometer and medication, he soaks a washcloth in some lukewarm water. When he gets back, Theo's half sitting up, taking hesitant sips of the tea, eyebrows furrowed.

Seamus climbs onto the bed next to him and presses the damp cloth to Theo’s forehead.

“I love you so much,” Theo whispers, and his voice sounds even worse than it did an hour ago. Seamus just kisses his cheek. He brings the thermometer up, and doesn't need to say a word for Theo to open his mouth obediently.

They sit there in silence as they wait for the reading, Seamus combing his sweaty hair out with his fingers. He’s terrified to see what his temperature actually is, and tries not to panic when he reads “102.8”

“Why didn't you tell me?” He finally asks.

Theo presses his chapped lips into a line and sighs. Seamus draws the damp washcloth down the side of his throat, then down his sternum.

“You know I would've dropped everything. I would've been on the first flight,” Seamus says, and Theo’s trembling fingers wrap around his wrist. They're so unnaturally warm.

“That's exactly why I didn't tell you, Shay.”

[wasitforrevenge]

oh sweetheart pt 4

pairing: boxer!ellie x f! jesses sister!reader

word count: 6.6k

rating: 18+ (smut will be coming in later parts)

warnings: boxer!ellie, fighting/boxing, flirting, blood, weed, alcohol, joel is dead in this :(, kissing, sexual interaction (almost im getting there pls!) talk of abusive relationships, cheating mentioned, smoking, talk of death, talk of mourning (lmk if im forgetting anything) ellie likes coffee lol, also i post w no specific character descriptions besides being female :)

summary: you and ellie spend the day together, your luck turns and you both realize you’re not alone anymore.

author notes: hi guys sorry this is later than expected! got a promotion at work and it’s kept me a bit busy, but reader talking ab her ex gf???? there’s no name yet for a reason (hint hint) and with that i just want to say that personas of a character im writing do not reflect back on the actual character and it’s just a plot twist i thought id throw in for later down the line! anyways pls forgive me for being late i pulled an all nighter and i finished this so i will go back and edit soon! thank you for reading! pls comment like reblog and follow!

part 1 | part 2 | part 2.5 | part 3

series masterlist | main masterlist

from the river to the sea, palestine will be free 🇵🇸

READ: this account stands with palestine, and so— i require everyone who interacts to educate themselves, and support/donate. READ THESE; 1 and 2, HELP HERE, BOYCOTT. silence is complicity, do not scroll past this.

DO NOT BUY THE REMASTER, TLOU2, TLOU1, OR ANY GAME FROM NAUGHTY DOG! neil druckmann (the creator) is a zionist. PLEASE READ THIS. AND REBLOG THIS.

the sun beamed from the window in your bedroom, creating a pattern of light shining across your comforter. your eyes flutter open as you were took in the brightness covering your room. you cursed yourself in your head for not closing the curtains. you looked at the clock that was reading 8:48am,.

you realized you definitely drank too much last night and now you’re suffering the consequences. you take a little while to gather yourself before you went to get up from your bed, throwing the blankets over the top of you to sit up. all you wanted to do was think about last night as you were interrupted by the sight of her tattooed arm, resting over your waist holding you against her, you being unable to move as thoughts of last night played in your head as you try to ignoring the pounding.

ellie.

you guys outside smoking last night enjoying each others company. the way she got so close to your lips that you could feel her breath. ellie and you hanging out at the bar with dina and jesse. ellie walking you home and giving you her jacket. her agreeing to come up to your apartment, the tension that floated in the air every second you were each other. the way sweetheart rolled off her tongue when she talked you. getting high on your couch and kissing her as she pulled you on top of her.  the way the she moved your hair out of your face before falling asleep. admitting to her that you liked her and that she felt the same way about you. 

she liked you.

ellie stirred, arm around you as you were caught up in your thoughts. you heard her take breathe deep in her sleep as she pulled you even closer, your back pressing against her chest. you couldn’t believe this was happening. you and ellie fell asleep in your bed last night. kissing her and being with her has clouded your thoughts since you met her and now…. she has her arm around your waist fast asleep breathing you in.

the way your lips would connect with hers, if they would move perfectly in sync with each, fitting like two puzzle pieces together. how her heavy hands traced inches of your body, sliding her hands up and down your hips and thighs…

your eyes felt droopy as you got comfortable against ellie, drowning in the scent of her that took over your sheets and pillows. you cuddled into ellie’s strong chest that she held you against her. you moved your own arm to lay across hers as you fell back to sleep, now remembering everything that happened last night and what led to this moment of you waking up next to each other.

a couple hours, you stir around and wake yourself, only to find the bed empty. your heart drops realizing ellie was gone and didn’t say goodbye. did she not mean what she said last night? you told her you liked her and she left. overthinking was your specialty.

as you pulled the blankets over your head ready to sulk the entire day in end over what happened, you decided you were going to shower the night off before you spent the hours upset. you got up and headed into your bathroom, turned on the shower and got undressed. you took about thirty minutes washing your hair and body, despite not wanting to wash off the scent of ellie that you were wrapped in. you turned off the shower, got out and dried off as wrapped yourself in a huge fuzzy pink towel and as opened the door to your bedroom, you saw her.

ellie was there sitting on your bed facing the bathroom door, with two coffee mugs in her hand.

“good morning sweetheart,” she spoke softly. 

“hi els,” you blushed, “i thought you left..” you told her shyly. 

“i wouldn’t just leave after last night,” she responded, “i told you we’d talk sweetheart.”

“yes you did,” you utter, looking at her as you smiled sweetly and adjusted the towel around you.

“do you want to go to breakfast?” she asked, “theres this nice diner by my apartment if you wanted to walk.”

“yes that sounds perfect el!” you said, excited at the sound of food in your stomach.

you told ellie you’d get dressed and meet her in the living room. she left the room and you walked over to your dresser. your thoughts piled as your picked out your outfit. 

she stayed. ellie stayed. your mood changed at the sight of her and you were so glad that last night meant something and you weren’t just drunk. flashes of ellie laying in your bed as she faced you and the way she touched you, the way her skin felt on yours. it was intoxicating. 

you changed and left your bedroom to find ellie sitting on your couch. she was focused on avatar the last air-bender streaming over your large tv screen. (the animated series ofc!) she reached to get the coffee she made and handed it to you as you took a seat next to her. 

“i love this show.” you spoke as you wrapped your hands around the cup and sipped on your still warm coffee.

“yeah toph is so badass- the best part of the show,” ellie laughed.

you guys finished the episode in comfortable silence until you spoke up and asked ellie if she still wanted to get breakfast. she said yes as she took her last sip, held her hand out motioning for your mug. you handed it to her as both got up. her putting them both in your kitchen sink and you grabbed your tote bag from your bedroom. ellie grabbed her bookbag from your living floor and threw it over her shoulder as she met you by your entry area. you both exited your apartment and you started the walk to the cafe, ellie leading you since she knew the way.

as you walked, ellie talked about jurassic park which she just watched the other day and how she loved the movie series which lead to her telling you about the time she went to a history museum for her birthday when she was 15, how exciting it was seeing the dinosaurs up close and she managed to spill at least 20 dinosaur facts in half the walk. 

she told you about the space section they had and how fucking cool it was to sit in the space shuttle they had there. you laugh as she tells you that she’s gonna be the next person who goes to space. she points out the spaceship pin she has on her backpack, telling you its one of her favorite things she’s ever been gifted.

you loved hearing ellie talk about the things that she loves. she told you she collects superhero cards and reads comics, “like a nerd” she said. she tells you about her favorite songs to play on guitar. she told you she can’t wait to play for you sometime. ellie asked you about your favorite songs, mentally taking note of them because she will be teaching herself how to play one to impress you. 

as you continue walking, you take in the scenery surrounding you on the street you walked. your eyes spotted the wire benches that were spaced out throughout the street, the flower stand on a far corner ahead, and the small gas station and convenience store up ahead. as you made it a bit further, you saw a bookstore coming up on the corner as you and ellie walked side by side. “oh my god ellie! do you mind if we go in?” you asked.

“yeah i love this place,” she responded as she opened the door for you to walk in. the bell chimed and you were amazed at the sight of the long book shelves that covered the walls and littered in columns down the center. there was a section of comfy chairs towards the back you could see peeking out behind a cart of books waiting to be unloaded. you see plants hanging from the ceiling in front of the tall windows towards the side of the bookshop. 

“ellie! oh my gosh! how nice to see you!” you heard as you followed the sound of the voice. it was a short older lady probably around her 60s, with long grey hair and she walked with a cane. she made her way over and engulfed ellie in a hug. “oh my! how have you been?” the lady said as she pulled away, “and who’s this lovely lady?” as she grabbed your hand to shake. 

ellie laughed as she said, “miss ashley, this is y/n.”

“oh you’re lovely!” the sweet old lady said towards you, “ellie doesn’t bring people around so its nice to see she has some friends, especially such pretty ones!” miss ashley laughed and gave you a warm smile. 

ellie blushed, “ash please… don’t embarrass me,” she said jokingly putting face into her hands. 

“oh nonsense! im just making conversation!” she exclaimed as she let go of your hands, “its so nice to meet you!”

“its nice to meet you too miss ashley!” you responded.

“oh please that makes me feel old, just call me ash! i insist please,” she laughed.

“okay ash,” you smiled, “i love this place, this is what i imagine heaven feels like.” you laughed.

“well you wouldn’t be happening to be looking for a job, would you?” she joked but your attention was caught as soon as she said those words.

“you’re hiring?” you said almost shocked. you didn’t want to get your hopes up but you’ve been looking for a job since you moved here and you’ve been having no luck. but this place… it was unbelievably beautiful and you could only imagine the peace you would feel working in a place like this.

“yes!” ash said to you, “since my husband passed, its getting hard to keep up with everything, i’ve been looking for the right person to help, ellie helps in her free time, but i cant make her do everything and theres no much i can without some help most days.” she said sounding a little defeated at the mention of her husband.

“well i’d love to come help! this would be great for both of us,” you said towards ash but your eyes met ellie as you spoke, hoping you didn’t cross a boundary with ellie.

“well think about it and get back to me!,” she said and then continued, “now go look around girls! i’ve got something something to do back in the office, but don’t leave without saying goodbye!” she said as she disappeared to a side room behind the cashier counter. 

ellie looked at you and tried to apologize, for what miss ashley said and that she hoped she wasn’t too forward, but you just laughed and said that it was funny, and that you didn’t mind the sweet old lady who clearly loved her and meant no harm. curiosity got the best of you as you asked ellie how she knows the lady who might be the nicest person you’ve ever met. 

“i actually live in the building next door,” she started as you guys made your way down an isle of fiction books but you stopped in your tracks and interrupted her, “you practically live above a bookstore that’s so cool el!”

“yeah i guess it is, i’ve known her since we moved, my dad was friends with her husband, so we used to come here all the time, it’s one of my favorite places.” ellie told you, “it would be cool for you to work here, i know you’re looking and i wish i could do more to help her but she seems to love you already.”  she finished.

“are you sure that’s okay? you’ve just known her for so long and you live righ-“ 

she cut off your rambling off, “sweetheart it’s actually a great idea and i think you should take it.” she smiled at you as you both continued down the isles, you found a book you’ve had on your list and you picked it up to purchase. ellie and you came across the comic book section and she practically squealed in excitement as she held up a comic that read savage starlight. it was crazy seeing this badass boxer geeking out over comic books, space snd dinosaurs. you never would have thought it but it just makes you like her more.

“oh fuck yeah! i don’t have this one! this is my favorite series ever.” ellie told you smiling. 

you guys made your way up to the counter and placed down the book and comic. ellie reached to hit the little bell since ash was in the back still. she made her way out of the back and her face lit up again when she saw you guys.

“hi ladies! is this all?” she spoke as she picked up the merchandise and clicked the price in her outdated sale system. 

you opened your bag and grabbed your wallet. ellie tried to beat you to pulling out hers but you put her hand over hers and pushed it down, giving her a smile. 

then you pulled out a 20 and handed it over. ash smiled as she finished the transaction, gave you the change and told you thank you.

“id actually like to take you up on the job offer, this place seems so cool!” you responded.

“oh yes! it would be a great help! you can come back on wednesday around 11 for your first shift! we’ll sort paperwork and stuff out then! thank you so much again!” the little lady said across the counter as she handed you your paper bag with ellies comic and your book.

“sounds perfect! i will see you then!” you said.

ellie said goodbye to her and she came around the counter to give you both a hug before you headed out of the store and continued the walk to the cafe.

“well it looks like im employed now, this is exciting” you said as you grabbed ellies hands in yours.

“it looks as so sweetheart, im excited for you!” she said as she squeezed her hand in yours, “now lets eat? and this time i’m paying, to celebrate!”

she then turned you around with a spin to see the cafe to the side of you. it was a cute retro diner that looked like it was straight out of the 90s. how does ellie know the best places? she’s unbelievable, you thought in your head, not being able to stop the smile growing on your face as you looked at her with your mouth dropped open in disbelief.

ellie laughed as she held the door for you as you both walked in and saw a seat yourself sign. you leaded the way across the checker print floor to the last booth in the corner of the right side of the diner, right next to the window.

ellie followed behind you and watched as you picked that booth. the red booth her and joel used to sit at every single they came here. the booth she spent years sitting at with the man who was gone forever. ellie felt her chest tighten as you took the side she always sat in, leaving ellie the spot that held so many images of her late father. she couldn’t blame you, its not like you were aware of the memories this particular booth held. but ellie couldn’t help that it hurt.

you noticed a sudden change in ellie when she didn’t respond to you as you asked if she had any idea what she wanted as you guys slid into the booth across each other.

“hey el?” you tried to get her attention but she was off in her own head.

you reached over and held her hand which is stopped her fidgeting with the other and she finally looked up at you.

“ellie are you okay?”

“yeah sweetheart… this is just- this booth holds a lot of memories.” she spoke to you with a hint of sadness behind what she said, “haven’t sat here since my dad died.”

“els, fuck, im sorry should we move over there-“ 

she has a habit of cutting off your rambling with a squeeze of your hand and saying to you, “hey no it’s okay, it’s nice to sit here again, it’s been so long but i’m glad you’re here with.” 

you made sure ellie was okay with staying before you guys took a look at the menu when the waitress came around and introduced herself, telling you her name and she started you and ellie off with a round of hot coffee while you guys looked over the breakfast section.

“okay ellie… i have a serious question.” she looked up from the menu and made direct eye contact with you before you proceeded talking with the most serious look on your face, “waffles or pancakes?” 

“not the biggest fan of pancakes, definitely fuck with waffles more,” ellie laughed but the sadness couldn’t help but show up again as she thought about joel again. he didn’t really like pancakes either. ellie thought about the last time her and joel were here, a couple days before he passed. she wished she remembered more of him.

interrupting her thoughts, the waitress came back for your order which for you was waffles with scambled eggs and bacon and ellie got the same thing as you too. 

you talked about how nice it was to see parts of the town you didn’t even know existed and that you and ellie got to explore it together, you told her “thank you for bringing you to places that were special to her.”

ellie beamed, “im glad i got to show you sweetheart.”

about 10 minutes later, the waitress brought over your plates and you guys started to dig in to the so needed breakfast. you watched as ellie drowned her food enough that syrup was over her entire plate, laughing as you told her “theres not even any food left at this point, its allllll syrup.”

“hey leave me alone! this is the best part!” she said as she cut a bit and brought it to her mouth as the syrup dripping down her chip. you watched as she licked her lips as she swallowed looking you dead in the eye. all you could think about was kissing her again. the way her lips felt on yours, how her hands covered your body and the goosebumps she left. ellie noticed your eyes change as you thought about it and didn’t speak.

“whatcha thinking ‘bout sweetheart?” ellie finally asked with an innocent smile on her face but she was feeling the same way you did, she couldn’t help the thoughts of last night, staying wrapped around your warm body, the way your lips connected with hers and how you begged for her to kiss you again. she only wonders what would have happened if you guys didn’t stop.

“how good this fo- food tastes el duh,” you stuttered. ellie laughed and mumbled a “sureeee.”

you guys finished your food up and continued drinking the coffee that was refilled a couple minutes ago before you asked for the check. the waitress sat down the receipt and ellie slammed her hand down on to of it before you could snatch it up and treat her again.

“what did i tell you? tsk tsk tsk” she made the noise with her mouth, “i’m getting breakfast,” she said as she pulled her wallet from her back pocket and sat cash on the table. “done with the coffee sweetheart?” as soon as she asked you took your final sip before adding it to the table of empty dishes you piled up for the waitress to make it a little easier for her. 

“now i am.” you gave her a smile. she returned it and stood up throwing her backpack over her shoulder, before holding out her hand for you to hold. you gripped her hand as she gently pulled you out of the booth and let you walk first. you walked the diner to the front door before you opened it before the both of you.

as you stepped out of the diner, you wondered if this was a date? you knew it wasn’t said but this would be a great first date if it was. bookshop and a diner with ellie. you’ve never just been out before like this.

in your last relationship, the one that sent you running from new york, you never left the house, she wouldn’t let you. you couldn’t go out with your friends, leading them to stop talking to you because “it was pointless” in being your friend anymore. it hurt but you couldn’t escape it, you knew it was bad being shut in like that but you didn’t want to face your ex girlfriend.

you spent 2 years in that abusive relationship and couldn’t be more happy to get away but the thought of her finding you was always a thought that never left the back of your head. when you threatened to leave before, she told you she’d always find you and that you would never be able to get away from her. you wonder if you ran far enough away from her. hopefully half a country away was enough. 

as you both stood out on the sidewalk trying to figure out what your next plans were since it was only about 3pm, ellie asked if you wanted to head to her apartment. you told her yes and you started the walk back down the street you came. hand in hand, the bookstore came in view on the corner and you knew you were close. she brought you down the connecting street to the building next door to a green door with chipped paint. she pulled her keys from her front pocket and unlocked the door. 

inside was a stairway to the second floor and a door at the other opposite side of the front door. it was nice entrance with a door mat and a nice table against the wall with some fake flowers and some little decorations. 

“ash lives downstairs actually, this is all hers.” ellie told you as she saw you looking the trinkets.

“aw that’s so nice,” you said as she lead you up the stairs to a another green door. ellie unlocked her front door and she held it for you to walk inside. she flicked on the light as she pulled the door shut and locked it. you were taken back at how nice her apartment was. you stepped more into her apartment and took a deep look around.

she had a wall of vinyls next to a record player and stereo system and 2 guitars, one electric and another dark wood acoustic with a moth on the neck. she had a couple plants in her window and a few on the fireplace in the middle of the open living room, connected to her a bit outdated kitchen (but it added to the ambiance) she had a playstation connected to her large tv screen across from a long grey couch. the door to the bathroom was open so you can only assume the one that’s shut across the room is her bedroom. band posters littered her walls and picture frames sat around her living room. a bookshelf full of comic books and action figures along with a series of books on space. 

she walked over to the couch and dropped her bag as you followed her and took a seat on the couch. it was so comfy, it was unbelievable. she grabbed the remote and handed it to you telling you to turn on whatever. you did as you watched from the side as ellie emptied the contents of her book bag which consisted of her jar of weed, her rainbow grinder and a pack of papers. 

“hm sweetheart?”, ellie said getting your attention, “m gonna take a shower, mind rolling one for when im done?” she smiled at you.

“yeah sure els!” you said as you picked up the pack of papers. she smiled and walked into her bedroom. you heard the shower turn on you finished prepping a couple papers. you packed the grinder, then started stuffing each one them, licking them shut and placing them back on the table. once you finished, you were watching community as yours eyes darted around ellie’s living room and landed on a picture of her with dina and your brother. 

you got up from the couch and walked over and picked it up, examining it. they almost look young in the photograph, you wonder what it would have been like if you were here with them at that time instead of now. how life would have been if you weren’t stuck in new york with her. you placed it back down on the table when another frame caught your eye. you made your way over to the bar area it sat on and held it in your hand.

this must be ellie and her dad. 

it was a picture of them in a stable feeding a horse, she had to have been like only fifteen in the photo. “she was so cute,” you thought. you stared at the man who you assume was her dad. he had darker but greying hair, he seemed so young in the picture but it was only taken a couple years ago. 

you jumped as you heard ellie speak behind you. you didn’t even hear the water turn off. “joel, that was his name.” she said, you turned around to see her standing right behind you, “our relationship was complicated but he was a good man, taught me most of what i know,” she took the frame from your hands and held it in her own, looking down at it, “but i miss him… you know i planned to ask him to watch a movie that night on the day he passed… but it never happened.” ellie said as her thumb brushed over him in the photo.

you held one of ellies hand over the photo and you gave her a small smile, “i wish i would have met him, he seems like he was a great dad els, i know he’d be proud of you.” she looked to meet your eyes, “thank you sweetheart… really thank you.” she smiles as she puts the picture back down. as soon as it was out of her hands, you couldn’t help but wrap your arms around her and squeeze. she returned your hug instantly and rested her chin on your shoulder and her hands made their way to your hips.

“aw sweetheart what was that for?” ellie joked as she pulled her face away but kept her hands on your waist. you swear you skin burned every time she touched you. 

“els cmon,” you rolled your eyes jokingly at her, “you know why, now are you ready to smoke?” you wiggled your eyebrows at her and she moved you guys towards the couch. 

you both got comfy as ellie lit up a joint and you switched on the movie stepbrothers. you got comfy when ellie grabbed a big blanket from a basket next to her couch and she put it over both of you, you scooted closer to her, putting her arm over the back of the couch behind your neck and you cuddled close to her chest, breathing in the wonderful scent of her. as you started the movie, ellie leaned forward grabbing a joint off the table, putting in her mouth and lit it with her free hand. 

she took a big hit and blew the smoke out. you watched her as she took her next hit. ellie realized you were watching her and couldn’t help but smile. “you know its rude to stare sweetheart?” she spoke as she took her last hit and held it out to pass to you. 

“oops!,” you shook your head and grinned towards her, grabbing the joint as you looked at ellie’s tattooed arm, then back up at her face. the freckles that painted her cheeks and could help yourself as the words left your mouth, “you’re so beautiful els sorry can’t help it.”

you saw the blush creep up on her cheeks as she told you, “so are you sweetheart.” 

eventually you guys finished the movie and ellie picked the next one, superbad, one of her favorites she told you, but you guys paused before you started it. ellie stood up and went to the kitchen on the other side of the living room. she looked through the cabinets until she pulled out a bag of doritos and some sprite in a can back to the coffee table for you to snack on during the movie.

when she sat, ellie lit up another a joint and you and her got comfy on the couch as you hit play on your next movie. smoking and laughing over the film, you and ellie got caught up in talking. it felt like you’d known each other for years, the way the conversation flowed and the way you guys connected. you could talk about anything for hours and you know you’d never get bored.

cue to the movie credits and the bag of chips is empty and the soda is drank up,  you were laying on ellie’s couch, your legs spread over the top of her lap as she sat up, her hand rubbed up and down your leg under the blanket you were sharing. it was calming but still sent butterflies through your whole body everytime her long fingers made another pass up and down. 

your eyes fixated on ellie as she picked up the remote and started looking for something else to watch. she scrolled through a bit before she turned to ask what you were thinking you guys should watch, catching you staring at her yet again. you were nervous to speak but what you wanted to ask her had to be said. 

“when i’m with you i don’t feel so… alone.” you admitted to her, “i really like you els, i’ve never felt this way about anyone, i mean there was just one time i thought i did, but it wasn’t like this… this is different.” you paused, looking at her, her face was soft as she listened to you admit this and you can see the grin growing on her face as you finished speaking, “and i know we haven’t known each other long but the last thing i expected when i moved here was to met someone as great as you. i want this els… if you do to of course.” as soon as she knew you were done speaking, it happened so fast. 

ellie’s lips connected with yours. she leaned over you as her free hand reached up to your left side of face to pull you closer to her, her other hand had moved from your leg to your thigh now. chills ran down your body as your lips moved with hers slowly but filled with urgency. your hand moved to the back of ellie’s neck, your fingers tangled in her hair and she couldn’t help the moan that escape from her mouth. you took that to to your advantage and introduced your tongue into the already deep kiss. “oh sweetheart,” she mumbled against your lips before copying your actions before she moved on top of you faster than you could blink. 

ellie could feel your heart start beating faster as one of her legs slid between both of yours. your lips were warm against hers, the way your fingers stayed gripped in her hair as you pulled on it when the kiss grew sloppy but it was still passionate as ever. ellie needed you, in every possible. she wanted to feel your lips all over her, she loved the way your body molded to hers as she was on top of you, how you fit perfectly under her. how you moaned so low and that it made her body ache for more of you. 

ellie couldn’t help but break apart the kiss as she got overwhelmed by her thoughts and had to catch her breath. as much as she wanted to keep kissing you like the world was ending, she didn’t want to rush this yet, yes she can’t wait for it to happen but it was worth the wait, she knew it would be worth it. foreams holding her up, ellie’s forehead rested against yours as she opened her eyes to see you, underneath her, practically panting with your eyes still shut as you caught your breath too. 

ellie couldn’t help but lift her head off yours and stare at you while you laid under her like this. your hair was sprawled out messily against the pillow your head was resting on, your shirt was twisted around your body, and your lips were slightly pink and swollen. she could get used to this, ellie thought in her head, seeing you look this gorgeous in a position like this.

you opened your eyes to see ellie staring at you and smiled towards you as she started speaking, “i want you sweetheart.” she said, “i want this to happen, so badly.” she stopped as she pulled her hands up to your face again, hands on either cheek as she brought her head down to kiss you softly, “‘m gonna take you out on a real date sweetheart, ‘m gonna show you how much i want all this, all of you.” she said giving you another kiss, this one lasted a few seconds longer.

“els, i want you too.” you spoke as you placed a kiss on the lips of the the girl who’s on top of you right now. when you pulled back, ellie couldn’t help but place another peck on your lips before she sat up, moving from laying between your legs, but she did move them right back on her lap, sitting closer to you now. you smiled at her as she grabbed your hands with hers, rubbing them with her thumb over the backside as she started talking.

“i feel less alone when i’m with you too,” she took a deep breath before continuing, “‘m gonna get serious for a second if that’s okay?” she questioned looking up at you, you gave her a nod with a smile on your face, before she looked back down at your hands in hers, “joel… when he passed, we were finally starting to build a relationship again. we weren’t very close before he died, dumb shit happened and i just couldn’t forgive him… and as soon as i did, he was gone … it wrecked me- fuck ‘m sorry- its still wrecking me- he taught me so much, he showed me so much… the only time i’m not thinking about him is when i’m with you sweetheart. i hate talking about him, i feel like once i start im not gonna be able to stop but- i just- i need you to know that i’m trying… because you make me want to enjoy my life again.” you hung on everything she spoke, watching the words fall from her lips as she played with your fingers in her hand, a habit you notice she does to her own hands when she’s nervous. 

“ellie, you’re not alone in this, i’m sorry you never fully got the closure you needed, you do not ever say you’re sorry for opening up about how you’re feeling, i’m listening if you ever do want to talk about it.. no pressure els but i think it helps to open up to someone and get some things off your chest. im always here for you ellie. i’m still wrecked about some things myself so just know there’s never any jugdgement from me,” you squeezed her hands in yours, showing her you were serious about what you were saying. she lifted her head to look at you, “you make me happy els, i didn’t think i’d get to experience this again…” you paused nervously before she gave your hands a gentle squeeze, showing you that she’s listening and giving you the courage to tell her what happened.

“back in new york, i was in a relationship with this girl. i lived there for about 4 years and we met during my second year of college through a mutual friend… it was great at first, ya know? we connected so fast that within a couple months of being together she ended up moving in with me, that was the first mistake,” you laughed to yourself before continuing, “once we lived in the same place, it made it so much easier for her to control me… she wouldn’t let me leave the house unless it was for work, i couldn’t see my friends, she came home drunk and angry all the time and always accused me of things i would never do, she’s the reason i had to drop out of college while she stayed enrolled and became a lawyer… ” you took a deep breath trying to contain your emotions, you didn’t like talking about this, you didn’t want ellie to see you as a victim. you were so much stronger than even you thought and you hoped she saw that side of you before the other one.

“she made me feel horrible and insecure, …she was extremely manipulative, also i knew she was sleeping with someone else too, i saw messages from her coworker and they were more than slightly suggestive,” you chuckled, almost losing your train of thought as you caught and held your focus to ellie’s hand touching yours comfortingly. “the first time she hit me… it could have been worse, that sounds bad but i don’t know. by the last time she hit me, i dreamed it was the first time again so that it wouldn’t hurt that much.” you could feel the tears well in your eyes. 

“the day after when she left for work, i packed as much of my stuff as i could into my car and just left. i didn’t leave a note, i changed my phone number and deleted my social media. it was the best decision i ever made. i don’t know if this was too much to share but i wanted you to know that you aren’t alone in not being okay els, we got this.” you gave her hand a final squeeze as you waited for her to respond. 

it took her a minute to process everything you said again before she spoke up, “oh sweetheart… ‘m so sorry that happened to you.” she said disconnecting her hands from yours to move them to hold both sides of your face, looking straight into your eyes, “you’re the most beautiful girl i have ever seen, i’m sorry that she made you feel like that, you don’t deserve any bit of that, wish i knew you back then so all of that never would have happened to you but i promise sweetheart, you will be safe with me. you will always be safe.”

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lmk if you want to be added to the taglist :) thank u sm for the support!!!!

@lookforthelight1 @ucannotcompare @diddiqueen @mikellie @vvitchesh3x @benthoee @bready101 @all-things-0dd @bunlikean-angel @mulan-but-gay @lovejuliettq 

[randomfoggytiger]

React: A Late-Canon Reviler Gives the Revival a Try (My Struggle I), Part I

For David Duchovny’s birthday, I put out a poll asking Tumblr which of his projects I should watch for the first time. 

The Revival won. Welp. 

I then, fool that I am, put up another poll wherein I doomed myself by including an option to watch the whole thing. 

And here we are. 

My Struggle I. 

Oh, boy. 

This post will be long because I'm laying the groundwork for the rest of the series.

MY MODUS OPERANDI

I don’t care how cute or cuddly or happy or heartfelt individual MSR moments are, popcorn will be thrown if those scenes are achieved through incomplete, inane, or nonsensical plot points. Give me 1+1=2 or give me death.

The Revival is part of a whole that includes all of Seasons 1-9 and Fight the Future and I Want to Believe. As much as I prefer to distance this series from canon, the reality that it functions as a direct follow-up remains; and it needs to be judged accordingly.

And, as always, I separate the art from the artist~.

...WELP. It’s time to face my doom. 

Let's go!

MY STRUGGLE IV

The intro’s… fine. Engaging, even. 

I did notice, though: the last series and Fight the Future and I Want to Believe began with the same formula: glimpses from what will be an x-files case, then straight to Scully’s perspective. Usually Mulder’s narration and POV didn’t feature until the tail-end of a two or three parter, i.e. Redux or Amor Fati or… well, even then, it was juxtaposed against Scully’s. 

Scully was the voice of The X-Files-- even Chris Carter noted that her report of each episode’s casefile became a motif of the show. Mulder’s narration was rare, very rare, even in episodes that were written to focus on him. 

A definite and purposed choice, to be sure. Mulder as an active agent in his own story. …OR a story that focuses on Mulder’s voice instead of Scully’s. 

We shall see. 

The intro continues; and it’s still engaging, possibly gripping (too bad I know where this leads)... but the music got a bit LOTR there. Is that just me? Seems… mellow, orchestral, a little more fantasy than sci-fi. Am I nitpicking? Maybe. 

The BIBLE references UFOs?? Lol, no. (Unless you count the objects described in Revelations-- the book, not the episode-- but even then, those are largely considered to be drones, not UFOs.)

Chris Carter, I see you. 

(Note from the future: NOW I see why the Bible bit was included-- lots of heavy-handed "God means this, Scully" in order to get her on-board to join the files. Ugh.)

…They’re really doubling down on the UFO lore, huh. All of which evaporated because of global warming, I guess. 

GUYS, why couldn’t this have been about life on Earth after Colonization?????

It fits with the disaster footage, it fits with Mulder’s voiceover, it fits with the character progression from Season 9 (I GUESS), it fits with a whooooooooooole ton of other factors. 

I’ve never been one for wanting Colonization in canon, but it literally would have worked for this series. There wouldn't need to be a complete wipeout of humanity, maybe just a “disaster happened, but the humans are fighting back” scenario. 

And that would fit with Mulder and Scully’s "breakup", PERHAPS-- they spent so much time working, trying to save the world (she in science, he on the ground or with untainted factions who coalitioned post-Colonization) that their relationship cracks would need to be actively worked through. Not broken up so much as together and repairing.

It would also help CC and co. to avoid the tempest of modern US politics and the more mainstream conspiracies that were taking hold at that time-- a broader reach to all audiences, a "bigger picture" for everyone to unite under.

(Guys, they should have let me write for this show. …I take it back, I’d have quit after three days.) 

Also: The show writers spent all their brain power on this sequence and this sequence alone, didn’t they? 

Obiwan Kenobi and Military Man are going on a bus somewhere.  

...On closer inspection, neither man looks like anything like Obiwan Kenobi, but the nickname is staying.

We’re back to Scully at a hospital-- not unlike I Want to Believe’s opening.

Skinner called? Oh. Didn’t know he was “here” this early. 

WAIT. 

Wait, wait, wait. 

Scully just called up Mulder like nothing’s a big deal? He answered like nothing’s a big deal? She’s smiling over his joke from the get-go?

…And we’re supposed to believe they’re seriously broken up. Which the show will insist is the case. 

David and Gillian really said, “Script? What script?” and did what they wanted. I salute them. 

Also, “What’s happening out there, Scully?” is a great line to point to Mulder’s continued isolation… which the series will IMMEDIATELY toss aside because he’s, apparently, not been as much of a hermit lately? (Granted, this could be a joke at his own expense because he’s no longer claimed by ~the darkness~, but…. I don’t think the writing’s gonna be that clever, I’ll be honest.)  

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

Fine, I admit it. 

I’m loving this so far. 

And that’s gonna make me even angrier later on. 

“Why doesn’t he [Skinner] just call me?”

“He doesn’t know how to reach you, Mulder. I barely know myself.”

Mulder is baffled and a tinge annoyed, Scully is amused and straight shooting. 

THERE IS NO HINT, BEHAVIOR, OR MANNERISM SUGGESTING THEY’VE BROKEN UP. None. At all. He’s isn’t reluctant to answer her call, isn’t sad or withdrawn, isn’t affected by anything she’s saying other than to be teasy or poky. She isn’t hesitant to call, isn’t sad or depressed, isn’t anything other than a little pleased to dangle a juicy tidbit in front of Mulder’s face. 

This is gonna follow IWTB’s ping-pong writing-- they’re fun and in-character, they’re suddenly out-of-character, they’re fun and in-character, they’re suddenly out-of-character, etc. etc. etc.-- isn’t it?

(Mulder taping over his laptop’s webcam is a great touch and not something at all that I’ve done before. At all.) 

“I thought you were done with UFOs-- the ‘stranglehold they put on your very existence’, I believe you put it.” 

“I’m just the messenger, Mulder.”

That’s GOOD, that’s necessary writing. That’s planting the seeds of what happened between them, what led to a cooldown or a breakup or a whathaveyou. AND STILL neither character acts as if they’ve broken up: no melancholy, no sadness, no nothing. 

Mulder’s timbre became a little sardonic while quoting back her words, but that doesn’t mean they’ve broken up. If anything, that points to a bicker and line-in-the-sand between them-- him bringing up UFOs at the dinner table and her reminding him to talk to someone else about it before turning the topic to how the lettuce is growing or something.

Neither actor is performing like one would if pain and trauma and heartbreak and distance were placed between them; and that really complicates things because the breakup is built on top of the aforementioned list of struggles. 

Would Mulder have dug his heels in post 2012, seeing it as a sign that “the aliens” just changed their plans? Yes. 

Would Scully have seen a pursuit down that rabbit hole as a waste of time? Debatable. The Truth S9 Scully wouldn’t have-- the aliens are still out there; and they cost her months of her life, months of Mulder’s abduction, months of Mulder’s death, months of Mulder’s separation, and the ultimate cost: William’s adoption and their life on the run. Post The Truth Scully would have seen this as her quest, too: she won’t give up, she says in the finale, because he won’t. 

IWTB Scully, however, would- and that's a problem. 

I’ve already discussed, at length, how out-of-character Scully was in I Want to Believe (posts here.) Although Mulder doesn’t escape from the same writing blunders, she is really, really scalped: of her courage, of her will, of her determination. 

Whenever Scully gave up, in canon, it was only because she thought she was holding Mulder back, or when she felt Mulder had lost his faith and trust in her. That held true in Season 9-- despite the appalling writing choices there, too-- but didn’t in IWTB. 

The Revival had the perfect opportunity to factory reset the writers' mistakes: portray a wiser duo who continue to fight the fight according to their strengths, like they always have before Mulder ever met Scully. (When Mulder tells Scully to set up a meeting with Skinner, he adds, “Don’t pretend I’m going alone”-- which reinforces my point.) 

But I know that's not going to happen.  

Scully goes without argument-- THAT’S GOOD, THAT’S GOOD CHARACTER WRITING. At this point in the game, of course she would-- they trust each other, they have for years, they’d have reached even deeper levels after going on the run for [insert math] years. All good things! 

The problem: this will create a huge conflict with her actions later.

(I’m already so disappointed.) 

“Uber?”/”Hitchhiking. Relax, Scully, I’m kidding” was a fun modernization of their humor, I’ll take it. 

This scene is starting to highlight the distance between them, which is all well-and-good, but feels tonally different from the previous scene. As in, their two scenes were definitely filmed on different days, in different moods, and with different intents. 

She’s worried about him, with tears in her eyes; he has his walls up; there’s distance, as previously noted. 

“Good for you to get out of that little house every once in a while”/”Certainly was good for you” is followed up with knowing, indulgent, pleased smiles and you expect me to believe these two are seriously broken up. Nope. I’ve seen Scully sad but amused, I’ve seen Scully too sad to be amused, but these two? This moment? Nah.

Tonally dissonant-- the IWTB problem: at-ease and close one minute, at-odds and distant the next. Hoorayyyyyy....

None of this makes sense for a long-term, permanent (as Scully infers later to someone else) breakup. Nor for a short-term, semi-permanent one. Math doesn’t math. 

“I’m always happy to see you,” she says, implying he's the one who permanently pulled away… which will be contradicted later this very episode. 

“I’m always happy to find a reason [to leave the house],” he says, somberly. 

Both of which are odd lines. 

If he’s happy to leave the house to see her… why hasn’t he? 

If she’s happy to see him, always, but says a relationship between them was "impossible" (which she will later), why is Scully staring at him with heart eyes, hoping he gets better so they can continue their relationship? (And mark my words, this tone underscores her interactions with him the rest of this series.) 

Tad’s here. He’s... fine. He represents the overly cautious very well. At least he hasn’t gone full Alex Jones mockumentary (...yet.) 

I’ve heard criticisms that Mulder and Scully don’t act like themselves in this series, but based off the few minutes I’ve seen here… I don’t agree. 

The essence is the same. Truly. Scully’s got the same face that lights up the same way, Mulder’s got the same expressions and young-at-heart humor. Neither are really melancholic. Neither are David or Gillian esque. 

Perhaps that will change. 

(Note from the future: OH BOY. Which Mulder and Scully are we talking here-- OG Mulder and Scully? Nope. IWTB Mulder and Scully? Yep. David and Gillian? Once or twice.)

But, again, their interactions feel… wasted. Hollow. They’re supposed to be broken up, but their breakup doesn’t contribute to their interactions or the plot. They’re supposed to have suffered and are working back to each other… but they aren’t really separated, haven’t seemed to suffer (note from future: except for one scene which comes outta nowhere), and won’t collapse back together on-screen.

They’re supposed to be wiser and more mature, but they’ll still engage in a silly will-they-won’t-they while Mulder eats up the latest UFO or conspiracy slop he’s either already engaged in or debunked [insert math] years ago and Scully clings to her cowardice like a leech. 

First nagging problem: Scully smiling at Tad, Scully excusing Mulder’s mannerisms when he becomes briefly jealous, Scully making nice with a conspiracy nut. 

…Isn’t that Mulder’s job? Didn't she leave because conspiracies were consuming her life? Does this mean she actually does want this life back but is she playing coy or elusive because...?

Furthermore, when Mulder popped a comment off to a witness or informant in the past, Scully never excused him-- just breezed over it professionally with another question. She’s only saying “excuse him” here because she’s taken a shine to Tad. WHY, on this post-2012 global warming green Earth, WOULD SHE?

Tad says Mulder is the X-Files, Mulder says that “book is closed”... WAIT. Wait, hold up--

Pause. Stop. Rewind. 

Mulder wants to believe. Actual proof is hard to come by. 

Tad thinks Mulder is the X-Files. 

MULDER SAYS… *ahem*... Mulder says, “I’m afraid that book is closed.” …Which means he’s no longer into UFOs or aliens, too. SO. why did Scully LEAVE.

If that’s behind him, why aren’t they together again???? Mulder didn’t know who Tad O’Malley was a minute or so ago, meaning he’s been outta the conspiracy scene for a bit. That MEANS his departure from Conspiracyville's been long enough to patch-up his obsession and ensuing depression, I guess.

But then... what about Scully??

Because Mulder wants her to come back (already subtly established in each scene), and Scully is concerned for his welfare; but Scully thinks he’s still into UFO conspiracy and hasn’t come back because of it? BUT SHE ISN’T SHOCKED WHEN HE SAYS “I’m afraid that book is closed” MEANING SHE KNOWS HE’S PUT THAT BEHIND HIM... BUT STILL HASN’T RETURNED?

And both of them aren’t acting as if they’ve broken up, anyway, except for a pointed line of dialogue here and a brief reaction there before they yeet back to the status quo.

They’ve left that behind them, Scully says, for better or worse. And Mulder latches onto that better or worse, making a pointed barb at their breakup, but…. There’s no writing glue, just suggestion and inference; and the suggestions themselves don’t add up. 

Here come the bullet points. 

Season 10 posits Mulder became depressed after the aliens didn’t invade in 2012-- that’s reasonable and logical, his nature is depressive when his expectations are subverted or smashed or etc. 

Season 10 also posits Scully left because Mulder became too much to deal with. That’s… not logical, since her nature is to rescue and nurture, even when Mulder’s being an actual boil on her sittin’ cheeks (ala Demons, etc., etc.) 

Season 10 posits Mulder’s hard to get a hold of-- despite being in the same house the FBI helicoptered to in IWTB-- and posits it might be hard for Scully to get a hold of him-- despite the fact both characters easily got in contact, knew it was each other, and even joked about the fact it’s hard to get in contact with Mulder… which means it really isn't. (The script doesn’t catch these discrepancies, of course, pretending Mulder is very hidden away at the same ol' house he'd been discovered at in 2008.) 

Season 10 says Scully doesn’t want UFOs to be part of her life anymore, that it was a stranglehold… yet she came along on a conspiracy gig without question to… what? Be around Mulder? But then, why warm up to the conspiracy guy-- an embodiment of what drove her and her partner apart?

Season 10 posits Mulder chased Scully off with his conspiracy spiraling YET ALSO states he’s put that part of his life-- conspiracies, UFOs, the X-Files-- behind him. Which implies: A. Mulder’s aaaaaaall better now and B. he put that all behind him but Scully never came home and C. Scully shouldn’t know he put that all behind him if that’s what’s keeping her away; but she does know because his declaration doesn’t take her by surprise, which means she’s still driven away and concerned for him for no discernable reason.  

Season 11 posits Scully didn’t leave because Mulder became too much to deal with but because she, too, had issues to deal with. This point wasn't mentioned or hinted at in the episode that introduces their breakup, which makes that line of reasoning a complete rewrite. (Whatever. I’ll judge how well that’s executed when I get there.)

It doesn’t add up. 

Are we surprised. 

Five seconds after this, I had to listen to a back-and-forth between Tad O’Malley and Mulder on conspiracies and Conservatives and alien beliefs and the O’Reilly Factor and….

This seems out of touch, I’m not sorry. 

When this show aired, Conservatives already had their miles-long conspiracy theories. For Mulder to be ignorant of that fact while allegedly knowing exactly who and what Tad believes while also alleging….

More bullet points!

Fox “I’m afraid that book is closed” Mulder has, supposedly, been out of the conspiracy scene. 

Fox “I’m afraid that book is closed” Mulder isn’t aware that not only did 2015 Conservatives believe in aliens-- despite the fact Tad is a watered-down copy-paste of Alex Jones-- but that there were also Conservative believers in the 90s (who were a fringe in their own group, but.) This was Mulder’s expertise; and his eidetic memory isn’t likely to have tossed that info because it was no longer relevant to his life. 

Fox “I’m afraid that book is closed” Mulder has supposedly not been out of the conspiracy scene-- despite saying he is-- because he does know who Tad O’Malley is-- despite not knowing who he was two minutes ago. 

Mulder is assuming that Conservatives “of your credentials” don’t believe in UFOs or “9/11 false-flag conspiracies” despite people from the Left, Center, and Right publicly believing those conspiracies in 2015. 

Fox “I’m afraid that book is closed” Mulder is supposed to be dismantling Tad’s grift; but he (and the writers) sound uneducated and incredibly out-of-touch during this dialogue-- as if all Conservatives were still Bush-era believers. Most were suspicious of the government by this time (they helped elect a man who ran on a “drain the swamp” campaign, after all.) Mulder’s bewilderment here is old and tired, even by 2015 standards. 

This writing is flashy-- long sentences, quick back-and-forths-- but poorly constructed and badly executed. 

This is also the first segment where David Duchovny is peeking through Fox Mulder; where Scully is swinging wildly between absolutely-fine-with-Mulder and we’re-no-longer-together; and where we, the audience, are being force-fed that only one side of the political aisle believes in aliens-- or the Bigger Question or whatever-- on a show that wants to poke at unfounded conspiracy beliefs.

Oh, look! Scully made a Scully-face, so everything’s good now! 

(UuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH--)

Sveta. Aww, I like her--

“You don’t remember me.”

“No, I think I’d remember.”

WHAT WAS THAT. 

Show writers, STOP with the romantic triangulation, it’s NOT. GONNA. HAPPEN. David doesn’t even TRY to make that romantic-ish. Yet you angle on Scully’s face as if she’s supposed to be out-of-the-loop and a tinge jealous. 

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, hoooooooooooooooooooold up. 

Svetta was a dark-haired little girl Mulder interviewed after her first abduction, meaning she’s set up to be another Samantha. 

So…………………. What’s with the murky jealousy issue, CHRIS. You wedged it in solely so Scully would feel jealous over Mulder? Y’know. Like I Want to Believe? 

And I say Chris Carter because he wanted to play the breakup angle:

"We do it in an interesting way," Carter told The Hollywood Reporter. "We put some of the tension back in that was relieved by them being together. It added to the storytelling opportunities. It's something that I came up with; I had been thinking about it. There was always talk of [breaking them up] if we did another movie."

The first shot canon takes right between the eyes:

Scully being “familiar” with the “screen memories” abductees are given was a cool touch… except she’s never been given “screen memories.” The abductees in Jose Chung’s From Outer Space were given screen memories-- she was returned a blank slate. (Even Mulder didn’t have “screen memories” after his abduction.) 

Scully poking Sveta about aliens taking her unborn fetuses seems a tad (heh) strong except all the alien-related pregnancies have been the result of government testing, not alien probes. So. If this scene followed canon's rules, her skepticism would be warranted.

But this skepticism is still odd. 

Two seconds ago, she was making nice to Tad O’Malley in the car, and now she’s leading the questioning for Sveta. The odd icing on top of this odd cake is that Scully left because she didn’t want UFOs to have a stranglehold on her life, yet here she is leading an interview with an abductee.

Sveta: “I have alien DNA, for sure.”

Scully: “Have you had a doctor confirm that?”

Sveta: “No.”

Me, too, Mulder. Me, too. 

Scully doesn’t question the alien DNA bit, so that’s good. 

…I’ll bet everyone forgets she and Mulder have a bit lingering in their systems from the black oil and his brain thingy and residue from when she touched the ship and and and. 

“Something you can test. Dana.” 

What… what was that. 

Honestly, what was that. Whatever mood David was conveying through Mulder, it didn’t match anything from any previous scenes, let alone this one.

Is he poking at Scully? Why? He’s not jealous anymore (if he even was.) The way he says it and her expression in response implies they have a tense back-and-forth going on, but they don’t. THEY DON’T. 

We’re 13 minutes in and I could make another numerical list. But I won’t. Yet.  

Back to not-Obiwan Kenobi and Military Man. 

That alien’s stupid bad-looking. 

Wait. 

That’s not how canon said Roswell unfolded. 

And the first alien shot on Earth was by Deep Throat’s hands-- that was his whole turning-point backstory. 

CURSE YOU, LACK OF A SHOW BIBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Note from the future: All of that past canon? Fake. Faked. All lies. None of that happened.)

“What have you done??” Not-Obiwan Kenobi yells… and what have they done? 

Back to Scully and Sveta. 

Sveta can move things with her mind-- not all the time-- but at least Scully is listening to her claims without automatically shutting them down. 

But also…

“I can move things. With my mind,” should have IMMEDIATELY had a greater impact on Scully, up-close-and-personal as she was to her son’s abilities. But nope! No reaction! Of course! 

Sveta “You were together but now you’re not” is asking the right questions. I don’t even mind Sveta. I’ll bet this episode’s the last time we see her, though. 

Does she contribute to anything? No. But she’s nice, so. 

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIT, WAIT, WAIT. 

Scully diagnosed-- wait, hold up, list time. 

Scully diagnosed Mulder with depression. 

That killed their relationship. 

…THAT killed their relationship? After everything? 

The writers are going to have to explain, in detail, why that killed it. 

Why does canon need to explain? Because we have a history of Scully sticking by Mulder during the worst periods of both their lives-- leaving him would have to require a very, very good reason.

And there is no indication, thus far, that Mulder’s depression drove a humungous wedge between them, forcing her to walk away. In fact, there is no indication a wedge exists between them, AT ALL-- only the odd, inconsistent word or phrase here or there that bears no weight on the plot or their ultimate decisions.

Whenever Scully left in canon, it was because she could no longer help Mulder. Season 11 will rewrite Season 10’s initial explanation but setting that aside: we’re not given any indication that she did try to help him; or that his depression was so deep and so dangerous that it drove her away.

And if it were that deep or that dangerous enough to drive her away, Scully leaving would have been the last and worst possible action she could have taken. If Mulder's mental state was in such a massive nose-dive that she couldn’t handle what he was going through, Scully-- a medical professional-- would have had him hospitalized, even temporarily against his will, because she would know (per Demons or Gethsemane or Amor Fati) that this level of depression always manifested in suicidal tendencies for her partner.

But Mulder, as per the rules laid out in this episode, never went that far in his deterioration. (Note from the future: We'll get to that.)

If he had, Skinner would have been aware of his hospitalization and wouldn’t have asked for his help; Scully would have been aware and wouldn’t have passed on the information; and Scully wouldn’t have called from the hospital with a degree of buoyancy when relaying Skinner's request to Mulder. 

In short: Scully leaving = very big, very drastic measure. Mulder suffering from depression = very big, very bad consequences. Scully's nature and past actions = getting Mulder help, even if he resists at first (i.e. shooting him in the shoulder to save his life.) Mulder and Scully's partnership = unbroken, except through distrust or botched writing.

“And you have a child together.”

Wow, that wasn’t clunky at all. 

SCULLY STICKS SVETA HARD WITH A NEEDLE BECAUSE SVETA MENTIONS WILLIAM, darkly saying "That's enough", SO SVETA WOULD KNOW SHE DID IT ON PURPOSE.

I’m… so disgusted. Like, eck. Urk. Awful. 

Telling Sveta to back off, strongly, would be in-character; USING PAIN TO DO SO is…. So wrong on so many levels. Scully never utilized medicine to inflict pain or injury on her enemies.

Wow, this grossed me out. You know why?

Scully diagnosed Mulder with depression and left. At first glance, that seem like an out-of-character action that the writing can salvage later by this or that means.

BUT THEN, Scully inflicts pain on Sveta for mentioning William, leaving the audience with the impression that she’s vindictive. 

Which then connects the dots between “vindictive” and “left Mulder when he was diagnosed with depression.”

And since we, the audience, haven’t been given a stronger reason for how Mulder’s depression got that bad or why she didn’t help him through it, we’re then left with a sour impression of Scully’s character. 

The writers then try to imply Sveta was spilling out Scully’s personal secrets to prove that her powers were real, but that still doesn’t give Scully the right to abuse her power. Especially because a traumatized woman was trying any method possible to be believed.

And the fact that Sveta is also victim of the government weaponizing science and medicine makes me even angrier at Scully.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, BOY, another helicopter outside the Unremarkable House, my favorite part of IWTB....

Mulder’s never seen… an alien replica vehicle. 

Oh, my mistake: “No. Never. Not like that.” Covering all the bases, I see. Y’know, in case the writers FORGOT MULDER SAW ONE in SEASON 1, EPISODE 2. 

OH, LOOK, he’s got his wonder face back, everything’s aaaaaaaaaaaaall better now!

Running on free energy they’ve had since the 40s, sure Jan. Whatever you say. 

This just feels so old. Like. Tech we haven’t had since the 40S, GUYS, GET IT, BIG MONEY CORPOS KEPT IT FROM US. Yeah, we got it. 

And the flashbacks to Not-Obiwan Kenobi just walking off with an alien corpse because Military Man didn’t… see… value in studying… it. I guess. 

Scully doing “God’s work” giving kids ears because their biology neglected it.

I admit, that’s an intriguing window into her perspective of God vs. science, and how she sees a person’s biology separate from God messing them over or messing them up just because. I dig it.

(Note from the future: This will be used as a plotline club rather than a nuanced discussion of her faith.)

Mulder being the most challenging relationship she’s ever had-- “and the most impossible”-- is a weird line. Because yes, it’s true that their relationship is challenging; but her fervor at impossible is the only time in this episode we see an adversarial tendency, DESPITE My Struggle I trying to drum up moments to prove TENSIONS still LINGER (they don't.) 

It’s IWTB all over again. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. 

“Yeah. I got that impression.” Tad says, and Scully’s hurt because she thinks Mulder gave Tad that impression of her. 

So. So. Wait. 

Scully lied when she stated “It’s impossible” because she didn't like Tad poking into her private affairs?

But she sounded truly convinced their relationship was "impossible" while saying it.

So, she was either angry or still confused about her emotions-- which is fine, Scully's not always in-tune with her inner workings-- when Tad replied, "I got that impression."

Which explains why she was so hurt at Mulder's seeming rejection.

Because she thinks Mulder’s behavior led Tad to that conviction.

Which means CC just wants Mulder and Scully to be caught in a miscommunication fic.

Also, why is Tad so sad about this? Were they his OTP, or is he pretending to sympathize to get in Scully’s pants? Because that’d be crummy, Chris, to have her be overly nice to Tad only for him to try to twist that into an opening as the new conspiracy guy on the block. 

On a lighter note, Chris Carter said Mulder and Scully could still get it in their 50s, so there’s that.

HE DID, HE DID SET SCULLY UP TO BE PURSUED BY TAD--

WHAT. WHAT. WHAT WHAT WHAT--

KNOCK IT OFF, CHRIS. 

Poor Sveta. She’s gonna be butchered in this script, isn’t she?

The series is EATING up vast amounts of time with very little scale or grounding. For all I know, a day or a week could have passed. 

It’s so, so badly paced. 

Mulder’s investigating now, without Scully, because he noticed Sveta had a tell during the interview. 

Um. 

Sure, that’s a Mulder thing to do.

Oh, wait. This is the “work of men” realization.   

The dialogue between Mulder’s questions and Sveta’s answers are really disjointed, as if they’re mildly talking past each other-- another aspect of IWTB I couldn’t stand. 

Welp, at least it’s easy to prove they were both written by the same people. 

The second shot-in-the-head for canon: 

“Sveta, who took your babies?” 

“Men.”

“Men? Humans? You saw their faces.” 

Also, Sveta’s babies are referred to as her babies, but William-Jackson isn’t Scully’s baby despite sharing half her DNA but Emily Sim was Scully’s baby despite also only sharing half her DNA.

It’s a mess. 

Well… Mulder doesn’t seem too surprised here that men were involved in her abductions (I mean, he's long since been aware the government was involved from day one, so.) It’d be really stupid if the writing made him surprised about this later, wouldn’t it?

…Wouldn’t it?

Another poorly constructed set of lines:

“I haven’t worked for them [the government] in years.” 

“But you always wondered… if they were lying to you, too.” 

No, he didn’t wonder-- he believed it.

A wonky way to address his old skepticisms, for sure. 

JUST AFTER I NOTED THAT MULDER DIDN’T LOOK SURPRISED AT SVETA'S REVELATION, HE CALLS UP SCULLY AND MAKES A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT BEING A CONSPIRACY OF MEN. 

I knew this was coming, but maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan that was so, so poorly handled.

SCULLY WAS GETTING (sort of) WINED AND DINED BY TAD O’MALLEY??????????????

I HATE IT HERE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHAT IS HAPPENING, WHAT IN THE WORLD AND WHY, HOW COULD YOU BE SO EASILY FLEECED, DANA, THIS ISN’T AN ED JERSE PARALLEL BECAUSE YOU THINK MULDER DOESN’T WANT YOU, THIS IS STUPID, THIS IS THIS IS THIS IS

WHAT. 

I thought Scully had dated Tad O’Malley in the past (sometime after the breakup) but this is worsefarworse. 

SVETA IS THE KEY TO EVERYTHING, I’M SO TIRED. 

“Mulder, where are you going?” sounds exactly like Scully, and now I’m mad Gillian didn’t use that voice for the rest of the show (voice recovery aside....)

I KNEW SKINNER WAS BEHIND GETTING THEM BACK. He just calls up Scully to call Mulder up, then just unlocks the old office when Mulder wants to get back in. 110% Skinner thought this would help his buddy Mulder. And he’s not wrong. 

Wait. 

Did Skinner put in more effort to save Mulder from his mental health struggles (per this My Struggle I episode) than Scully??????

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-- my brain is broken. 

The hold on Skinner’s face while he says “Can you tell me what this is about” was way too long. 

Also, don’t try to play coy with me, Skinman. 

Now the camera’s zooming around and losing its “X-Files” feel by being too… modern. 

Skinner telling Mulder to calm down is the only time in canon where I agree with him. Mulder’s just spouting and demanding and not really making clear sense and this is why you don't let Mulder back into his basement without Scully by his side, Skinner-- don’t you remember that lesson?

Skinner telling Mulder to calm down then saying he doesn’t take orders from him only for Mulder to say “Who do you take orders from?”, ugh.

GUYS, THIS WAS RESOLVED IN SEASON. 2. BECAUSE MULDER KNEW MEN WERE BEHIND THE CONSPIRACY SINCE SEASON 1, EPISODE 2; AND SKINNER SINCE SEASON 2, EPISODE ASCENSION.

BECAUSE SKINNER’S ALREADY HAD HIS LOYALTY TESTED AND THIS IS HURTING MY BRAIN MAKE IT END.

I’m not even 25 minutes into this, help. 

“Why do you think I called you? Because I was looking out for you, because I’ve always looked out for you.” Is… is Skinner the only character who’s progressed? That’s exactly what he would do-- he’s acting sensibly, rationally, and in-character... and more mature, more veteran, than his agents.

I know the Revival is supposed to be “Mulder and Scully all grown-up” but none of their actions have been intelligent, measured, or informed by their age or life experience. It’s a farce that I hope future episodes will rectify. 

“A decade of my life--” Mulder rants and kicks his poster like a toddler AND YOU KNEW ALL THIS INFORMATION FROM SEASON 1, MULDER. NONE OF THIS IS NEW. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT IS THIS. 

I can’t imagine how disappointed philes were when they tuned into this episode. Well... I can because of how I feel; but at least I knew, roughly, how bad it would be going in. 

This is worse. 

Skinner: “You’re blaming me for that?”

Mulder: “No, I’m blaming myself. I’m sure they lied to you, too.” 

This isn’t a revelation, chump. 

At least Skinner confirms my theory: “There hasn’t been a day since you’ve left that I haven’t reached for my phone to call you, Mulder, wishing you were still down here.” 

Feral Mulder is touched. 

“Since 9/11--” OH NO, WHY ARE WE GOING THERE “--this country’s taken a big turn and in a very strange direction.”

Guys. Guys. This isn’t… this… what. 

“Now they police us, spy on us, and tell us that makes it safer--” CAN THE WRITERS GET OFF A SOAP BOX FOR FIVE SECONDS. Of course it isn’t safer to be unnecessarily policed or spied on, but the answer isn't just "boo, the government!" What… why… my brain’s melting, I feel it deteriorating. 

This, again, feels so Bush-era. Like, whoever wrote this didn’t update their mentality. 

Also, the camera shots and cuts are weird. Holding too long, zooming out at “pause and take THAT in” moments, focusing on Mulder’s phone while he silently calls up Skinner to prove a point… it’s supremely unsubtle.

Back to Tad, I don’t care. You did this to yourself, Scully, cozying up only to be used as a name drop on his show. Stupid. 

Is Scully gonna be shocked she has alien DNA? She shouldn’t be. 

But then again, Mulder shouldn’t be shocked this has all been a work of men, so. 

She’s expecting-- no, hoping-- for a call from somebody named Mulder. 

Sure, they’re broken up with hard feelings. Sure. Absolutely. 

Is this old man Not-Obiwan Kenobi?  

Of course.

At least Mulder seems old hat at this informant business. 

But of course, he’s “not even close” to putting it all together. 

Stupid. 

WAIT.

The countdown was WRONG-- Mulder states it began, not ended in 2012, meaning he's believed this theory for some time. Meaning... why was he so depressed after 2012? Why are there still depression concerns in 2015?? Seriously, what's with his depression if the 2012 Colonization was allegedly the cause of it but there is no Colonization and the clock's simply been reset????

WHY WAS HE DEPRESSED IF HE RECONFIGURED THE COUNTDOWN. WHAT.

Mulder: "Not by aliens, not with aliens, but by a conspiracy of men--"

“You’re wasting my time.” Tell him, old man Not-Obiwan Kenobi!

“Ten years ago, you came to me--”

Wait, ten years ago? What, 2005? The guy showed up while Mulder was on the run? And Scully never… knew about this?

There were no aliens lighting each other on fire??????????????????? WAIT, I NEVER HEARD THIS INFORMATION. 

THERE WERE NEVER ALIENS, AT ALL???????????????????? Like, AT ALL????? 

The writers are saying that Scully's experience on Ruskin Dam in Season 5 was not two warring alien factions BUT TWO GROUPS OF MEN LIGHTING EACH OTHER ON FIRE, OR GIVING EVERYONE FALSE MEMORIES OF ALIENS LIGHTING EACH OTHER ON FIRE, OR...??????

hONESTLY. 

Let's be real specific for a second: Chris Carter expects us to believe that the ENTIRE mytharc from the original show was ALL faked; that there were no aliens, ZERO, ZILCH; and that CSM and Deep Throat and all the others created elaborate schemes JUST to manipulate MULDER because the aliens weren't a threat from the start????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? DON’T BELIEVE YOUR LYING EYES. THEY WERE ALL MEN IN SUITS.

Like… do you realize how stupid that is? How actually, unfathomably stupid that is? It’s not just “the aliens didn’t invade because of global warming,” no, it’s “they were never a problem to begin with, we just manipulated Mulder into believing they were because… because he’s so important, I GUESS.”

Roswell’s also a smokescreen, of course. 

Y’know how, during the 90s, DD thought The X-Files was a stupid sci-fi show? If he thought each mytharc plot was as bad as this one, no wonder he wanted to bail. 

Oh, by the way, the global warming explanation is part of a theory: the fascist elites will dominate the world and escape from consequences into space, leading the rest of humanity to die by a globally warmed planet. The aliens weren't chased off by global warming because they were never a factor to begin with.

Wow.

I CAUGHT A CONTINUITY ERROR!

Scully shows up at his place in her uniform from yesterday, panicked, like she’d just run from Tad’s side to see what happened despite her saying over a day has passed.

Going to ignore his “What are you doing here, Scully?” because we’ve ping-ponged back to the out-of-character Mulder that the writers use when it’s time to remind everyone he and Scully are broken up. 

It’s IWTB all over again, I’m so tired. 

They’re talking past each other and he’s touching her shoulders now because he needs her to trust him and yadda yadda yadda. 

It’s soooo, sooooo, soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo highschool, I’m sorry. This is Riverdale. This is [insert whatever teen series you want to watch.] These are teenagers masquerading as adults, for the angst.

None of this holds up, their emotions shift left and right without provocation, things just happen, and there is no strand of continuity stringing anything together.

Scully trying to talk Mulder down from further pursuit doesn’t make sense because, AGAIN, she’s the one who's always gone back to the files even when he walks away; and every time he’s given up, or wanted to, SHE'S called him back and held him accountable and kept him going. 

This is the Scully from IWTB with no gumption of her own, who denies her leaps forward because of plot, plot, plot. 

Guys, I’ve been religiously dosing myself with caffeine (via chocolate), but my body keeps trying to make me go to sleep because it’s so uninvested. I don't even need sleep.

“This is my life, this is, this is everything I believe in--” HOW. MANY. TIMES. Has he said this before. WHEN HAS THAT LINE EVER WORKED ON SCULLY.

But that's beside the point: "this" was no longer his life after Amor Fati, by his own choice. Closure brought him closure, but he was already spittin' walk-away talk by Requiem, chose to leave in Vienen, and insisted Scully stay gone in Alone. In Season 9, it was Scully who had to beg him into hiding to pursue the Truth or whatever; and it was Scully who brought him the case in IWTB and Scully who relayed Skinner's request and tagged along both times until she got uncomfy and decided never mind, too hard.

Y’know? This claim gets to me because it’s a lie. A lie so blatant that 90s Mulder would have thrown hands over it, a lie so baseless that it erases his declaration in the hallway:

“I don’t know if I want to do this alone. I don’t even know if I can.” And every time Mulder yells his “THIS IS MY LIFE”, he erases that part of his past, the part that willingly left the files or the big Truth or the next chase to save Scully’s life or to keep her by his side. 

Chris Carter said Mulder and Scully were The X-Files post The Truth… but I guess he keeps conveniently forgetting that. More accurately, he keeps making MULDER forget that, in spite of all evidence in Mulder’s history and personality to the contrary. 

It infuriates me. 

“Tad O’Malley is a charming man--” get outta here. 

Now Scully’s been played the fool so she’s going to think Mulder’s being toyed around with by a social media sociopath. You’re an idiot, Scully. 

You’re an idiot, Mulder. 

You expect us to be idiots, writers. 

Here’s some ham-fisted “Fate” dialogue for you, *ahem*:

Scully: “How do you know he’s not playing you, he’s a player!” (You would know, Scully.) 

Mulder: “He’s a Godsend!”

Mulder’s not a believer in God, BUT this is also supposed to refer to the God conversation Scully and Tad had in the hospital, which will inadvertently make Scully ~believe~ again.

“What are you talking about?” I’m with ya there, Scully. I’m with ya, there. 

Scully’s trying to insist Mulder's on a verge of a breakdown, which… UGH. 

This scene implies Mulder hasn’t had a breakdown or a break from reality YET-- Scully spends the episode constantly concerned for his health and begging him, here, to watch what where he's stepping because he’s on the verge of spiraling. 

Which means he hasn't spiraled, because she's afraid of what would happen to him IF he did.

MEANING that there wasn’t an inciting factor that made her leave: no alcoholism, no outbursts, no nothing. He just became depressed, probably withdrawn, and wouldn’t change; so, she left. 

Do you realize what that means, per this episode? It means Scully ANTICIPATED a breakdown and left BEFORE it happened. Then hoped he’d get better before it did. 

Which breaks the established morals of her character. If she had been able to help, she would have stayed. If she hadn’t been able to help, she would have found another way to help him, even if it involved calling in a third party against his will. Instead, she withdrew and hoped he would get better BEFORE he reached a breaking point-- essentially, leaving him to an impending breakdown while hoping and praying against it.

This makes her decision to leave a mark of weak character-- not because she was a woman who left her depressed husband, but because Dana Scully, whose character we amply know, left. It checks none of the boxes she'd have to clear first before choosing to take one step out the door.

All the fic I’ve read to justify their breakup-- and make no mistake, CC wrote her to say “as your friend” intentionally--  or time apart or whathaveyou had Scully reach a breaking point. Because, of course! That's logical. But here, in canon-- in black and white-- that didn’t happen. 

We, the audience, have to create a plausible scenario in our minds to justify the steps she took. Because. it. Is. not. In. canon (as per this episode.) 

Now Scully’s gonna get jealous of Sveta, I’m so done. Riverdale, uuuuuuuuugh. 

Mulder just lets Scully walk away because Scully thinks he wants Sveta but “Sveta is the key to everything” and if Scully wants to misunderstand that she should have more trust in him, I guess, and I NEED A RESPIRATOR.

He just says “Scully” once  and lets her huff off.  

TAD’S BACK, GO AWAY. 

WAIT, TAD STOPS HER BEFORE SHE LEAVES. 

Mulder: “I would have invited you, Scully, but I didn’t think you would come.” 

That’s…

That’s….

Let’s break down this stupidity: 

Scully shows up. 

Mulder had Sveta in the house because he was calling her and O'Malley for a group meeting. 

When Scully becomes nearly hysterical over his safety, he doesn’t reason with her, just spouts like a lunatic. 

When she misreads the Sveta situation and stomps off, he lets her go with a weak, “Scully"--

--because he knew Tad was right behind her and was pulling in to stop her from leaving. 

Because Tad and Sveta were invited but Scully was not. 

And Scully was not invited because.  

Because she might not show up. 

I’m just preaching to the choir at this point, continuing on. 

Scully gave in, just like that. Guess she’s not leaving, anymore. 

She’s so, so… spineless. Has been since Season 9, has been a BIT since Season 8 (though that was at least justified and kept to a bare minimum.) 

I’m just. So sick of passive Scully. 

I HATE THOSE STINGER NOISES NOW. 

It’s always, “You can't let this information out because these men work in secrecy”/”What is it?”/”You’ll see”; then stinger; then we, the audience, are immediately shown what it is.

No suspenseful build-up.

Tad: “Then why are you [Scully] here?”/”Scully: “Mulder, what are you up to?”/Mulder: *knowing look*/stinger/next scene.

KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY.

“Implanting of alien embryos”-- so Sveta’s babies weren’t her babies. 

So Scully’s baby wasn’t her baby. 

But Emily was her baby but William isn’t. 

Sure, Jan. 

In spite of this information, the Revival will paint William as their son until it doesn’t; despite, again, stating from day one that the alien babies are implanted embryos and not biological babies.

So, these two boneheads should have suspected that William wasn’t theirs, anyway. 

Even though William is theirs because the CSM timeline doesn’t add up, which they would have mathed in their heads by the time little William was snuggled in their arms. 

It’s all so stupid. 

Why does this feel so fearmongery about the government? And I’m not going to sit here and say the government should be trusted-- it has a VERY bad history, I'm aware. But this is “my first conspiracy” level of worldbuilding.  

Did the writers think it was clever to set O’Malley up as a bad actor then reveal he was a good actor, modeling him after the notorious Alex Jones only to point and jeer, “HAH, you assumed! He’s actually on Mulder’s side!” 

Because that’s not genius, that’s laziness. 

Scully only now decides to inform everyone Sveta has no evidence of alien DNA? So, what, she was never going to tell them unless Mulder kept being, what, crazy? 

“They got to her” says Mulder about Sveta, but Scully LITERALLY SAID she had no alien DNA, so what was Sveta supposed to believe???????? That Tad O'Malley wasn't using her for as a hoax???

Mulder ran all the way to her house, or ubered then ran, or whatever… and she’s gone, of course. 

Poor Sveta. 

Tad O’Malley’s Truth Site is gone, oh, noooooo. 

Look, I’ll always be against censorship. But this is sending so many odd and mixed signals that it’s creating craaaaaaaaaaaaazy levels of dissonance. 

Mulder wrote “Don’t Give Up” in Scully's car dust…. 

Riverdale. 

Mulder presents the global warming = no aliens theory? 

I’m so tired. 

WAIT, SCULLY BELIEVES MULDER'S THEORY NOW THAT HER BOY TAD’S BEEN PULLED OFF THE NETWORK. 

“We need to find her [Sveta], Mulder,” Scully insists. 

Hold on, prediction time: Scully only changed her mind because this case now involves her-- i.e. only extending empathy to Christian (a boy that reminded her of William) and not to the string of missing, possibly murdered, women in IWTB.

OF COURSE. Her results for Sveta ended up being wrong AND HER OWN GENOME HAS ALIEN DNA IN IT, TOO. 

You selfish, self-centered clone of Dana Scully. 

Scully truly hasn’t recovered since… Season 9, let’s be real, where she told Mulder to leave then spent the whole year crying over his absence. In IWTB, she brought Mulder a case then left him when he wouldn’t stop his pursuit (to SAVE. LIVES.) And in the Revival, she called Mulder and the gang crazy until her own genome showed alien DNA. 

Hate this, hate this, HATE this. 

Also, yeah, she already knew she had alien DNA in the OG series, moving on.

Oh, and now they get a call from Skinner just when Scully says someone has to stop the bad guys. 

OF COURSE. 

Remember the God convo from earlier, guys???? GOD. FATE. SOMETHINGSOMETHINGSOMETHING. 

You had ONE good idea to explore-- how Scully views God vs. the aberrations of biology-- and then just... used it as a convenient club to beat in the “God/Fate means for us to do this” instead. 

“Scully, are you ready for this?”

“I don’t know there’s a choice.” 

Can’t someone PLEASE just explore her faith with nuance? PLEASE? 

Sveta's DEAD???????? I’M SO MAD, I liked her!

YOU FAILED HER, SCULLY. 

YOU FAILED MULDER, SCULLY. 

WHY DOES SCULLY HAVE TO KEEP FAILING PEOPLE???????????? 

Skipping the CSM scene because I don’t care, the END. 

CONCLUSION

How does Scully’s mischaracterization keep reaching new lows? 

How does Mulder become less wise with age? 

How is Skinner the only mentally mature character here?

I’m so tired.

[traffic-was-a-b1tch]

anthem of the heart

(jake kiszka x reader) 18+

summary: you and your best friend move into a new apartment after college, wanting a fresh start in nashville. however, you come to find that your neighbors are musicians. very loud musicians who like to keep you up at night. especially one, who likes to bother you on purpose. you would hate him… if he wasn’t so hot.

warnings for overall series: eventual SMUT!!!, angst, mentions of past abuse (not jake), abuse (not jake), mentions of past sexual assault (not jake), sexual assault (not jake), enemies to lovers, cursing, let me know if I missed any. (i’m still making this series up as I go along so it might change)

warnings for this chapter: abuse, mentions of past abuse, sexual assault, misogyny, ex drama, violence, insults, cursing, let me know if I missed any.

author’s note: this is where the plot thickens, ok? trust the process lol. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO READ THE WARNINGS. this is a heavy chapter. we’ll get to more of the lovey-dovey in coming chapters, but this? this is not love. reader beware.

• • •

Chapter Three:

you did your best to forget about jake.

sure the loud music was annoying but the image of him, shirtless, brushing your cheek replaying in your head constantly was much more infuriating. you just had to forget about that asshole. that toned, cocky asshole.

kaylee finished painting that night and in the morning, while you were getting dressed, you apologized for not helping her finish.

“don’t worry about it. I could tell you were too in your head to work”, she smiled then squinted at you, “what happened that made you so spaced?”

you told her. everything.

from the first time you talked to him, to him touching your cheek.

she was speechless.

“yeah. I definitely see where you’re coming from”, she breathed.

“yeah, I don’t know what to think”, you finished buttoning your blouse,”but for now I gotta go. I have an interview in an hour.”

you hugged her, grabbed your keys, and made your way down the stairs to your car.

you knew what you needed to focus on today was getting a job. you didn’t spend four years working two jobs and being a full-time student to daydream about your neighbor.

you were interviewing at your second pick of jobs in the city. your first pick hadn’t responded to your online application yet, so you decided to go for this one for now.

you wore a patterned pink blouse with black slacks and small pink kitten heels. you were already a little uncomfortable in the heels, but you chalked it up to nerves.

the building was huge, many offices on many floors peered down at you. you felt small, but you were trying to stay confident.

walking into the waiting room, you felt eyes on you. many other people lined the walls in chairs, seemingly applying for the same job. as you checked in, you took in the overbearingly white, hospital-like walls and gray details.

certainly less color than you would prefer, but you needed a job nonetheless.

the wait felt like forever, but it was probably only ten minutes.

a woman walked in, in a black dress, and looked down at her clipboard. she called your name and you quickly stood up. following her, you were led down a small white hallway with gray carpet.

they must really detest color here, you thought.

she let you into an office and you quietly thanked her. inside was a man in a suit and tie sitting behind a desk. his face, adorned with a small scowl, was halfway hidden by a computer screen.

“hello, sir. i’m here about the marketing job”, you greeted, holding out your resume for him to take.

he didn’t look up, focused on his computer, but waved his hand for you to sit.

you did, squirming a bit uncomfortably in the thick plastic on the chair. finally, he finished typing and looked at you.

“oh, right. the, uh, marketing job.”

his middle aged voice was a bit raspy, and his posture suggested he’d been working nonstop for a few decades.

“so”, he started, “what do you see yourself doing in five years?”

the question was a given at any interview, so you were thoroughly prepared.

“I see myself with a growing career, hopefully in a higher position than i’m interviewing for, and living in my own house just outside the city.”

“with your husband?”

you had to hide the flash of pain on your face as you remembered your ex. ex-fiancé, in fact.

you replied, “sure, maybe in time, but I don’t have any plans for that right now.”

he rolled his eyes and wrote something on a paper in front of him.

“i’m sorry, sir”, you smiled, not understanding what you did to illicit that response, “is there something wrong with my answer?”

“it’s always girls like you, so young, that act like they don’t care about relationships. only careers.”

you laughed half-heartedly and tried to stay polite.

“well, I did work very hard on my career so a husband can wait.”

he raised his eyebrow, “that is a woman’s purpose, you know. your life doesn’t truly begin until you are married. then you can have children and fulfill yourself.”

you were shocked.

such an outright misogynistic remark made you question if you heard right.

you didn’t hide the shock and anger on your face as you stood up.

“excuse me, sir, but I am more than just a machine that can get married and produce children. I am a person, a very smart one at that, who can make her own decisions and pay her own bills. I do not need your input on what you think is important for me to do with my own life. thank you for the interview, but I think i’ll pass on working here. i’ll see myself out.”

you turned and left, angered and appalled.

fuck, is it asshole men month or what?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the drive home gave you time to calm down. you listened to a podcast and tried to relax but it was becoming harder and harder with all the things on your mind.

you finally got home, relieved to go upstairs and take off your shoes.

walking into your hallway, you start looking for your keys in your purse.

“hey.”

you stopped.

you’d know that voice anywhere.

your ex-fiancé.

“tanner, what the fuck are you doing here?”

you looked up, taking him in. your breath quickened, terrified. he was intimidating, scary.

“I found where you ran off to. such a hole in the wall, is it not?”

tanner examined the hallway, flicking the chipping paint.

you looked beyond him to see your apartment door, just a few feet away. you had to get there. you needed to lock yourself inside and call the cops.

“it’s good enough for me”, you replied shakily.

you started to move towards your door, steadily.

he followed you down and planted his hand firmly on the door.

“no. you’re not going anywhere. not until you tell me that you love me again.”

even while being frightened of him, you scoffed.

“say I love you again? tanner, you beat me at our engagement party! you’re fucking sick! you really think I could still love you after months of abuse?”

his faced hardened. he started inching closer to you.

you backed away, hitting the wall.

“please, tanner. calm down. just go home. please just leave me alone. please.”

in a swift move, he grabbed your arm hard. you yelped in pain, knowing he’d leave more bruises on top of the ones still healing.

“what was that? you don’t love me?”, he was borderline yelling. “you can’t fool me, bitch. I know you do. you still want me.”

when you started to sob, tanner forced his face on yours into an unwelcome kiss. he pushed his knee in between your legs, putting pressure on your core, as he grabbed your breast in his hand roughly.

pain entered your body from every angle.

you grunted and sobbed against him, “get off of me!”

then you heard a door open.

after this, it’s all a blur.

you remember bits and pieces of two men fighting.

“get the fuck off of her!”, one yelled. he planted a punch right on tanner’s jaw.

you fell to the ground, sobbing with your legs pressed to your chest.

the men swung at each other, tanner landing a few blows to the other one. but then, after one more punch to the face, tanner fell.

he was unconscious, and you buried your face in your arms to avoid seeing his face anymore.

the other man squatted to your level.

“fuck, are you ok?”

you lifted your head, and saw jake.

• • •

yeah. I told you. no picnic in this chapter. BUT keep reading, it will get better. as always PLEASE feel free to leave me feedback, give suggestions, etc!

[theriverbeyond]

what series scratch the same "itch" as TLT for you? Recently finished the trilogy and feel empty and have found nothing to fill the void in my chest (lol) that TLT had in the weeks I was reading it. I have already experienced homestuck, when thhey cry, and most of the other "big names" of similar media. Any format works as long as its good. I like morally grey characters (Ianthe), well written female leads, character driven narratives and lesbians (in that order.

1. Princess Floralinda and the forty-flight tower (by Tamsyn Muir. excellent audio book narrated by Moira Quirk, same voice actor as TLT)

2. All of Tamsyn Muir's other novellas and short stories (The magician's apprentice, The house that did 16 loops of time, undercover, chew, the deepwater bride, etc)

Next up is entirely my personal and extremely picky and subjective preferences of brain zing, ranked in order of me remembering them

Chainsaw man manga (i read this 5x back to back when I first got into it in 2021. part 1 is complete, part 2 is still updating. part 1 can be experienced as a complete work. the anime is very good but the first episode is not as good as everything after it)

This is how we lose the time war book (feels sorta like fanfiction but the prose is gorgeous)

Interview with the vampire tv show (it's fun, it's camp, there are a lot of gay and bisexual people making really terrible decisions and being very hot)

Gurren Lagann anime (my favorite anime of all time. the women characters are not good, as is typical of many animes. the bathhouse episode can be skipped in its entierty without losing any plot. the overall story is really good and gives me that zing)

Arcane tv show (i watched this in full once and every since have just watched a caitvi + jinx whump clipshow but it did give me that zing. i do not care about the men)

Fullmetal alchemist manga or FMA brotherhood (really good and at this point a classic. royai is the queerplatonic campal blueprint i will not be taking critique at this time)

Revolutionary girl utena anime (watch the sub, do not watch the dub, the dub didn't make them gay. it's really good but heavy TWs and also it is paced like a 90's anime so: slow with a fair amount of filler, which can be good or bad depending on your preferences)

I have complicated feelings about Baru Cormerant and recommend reading up on content warnings if things like violent homophobia and very intimate portrayals of being a colonized subject are things that would upset you. It felt a little too personal to my life for me to like... think it was "fun" or whatever like it felt uncomfortably personal (and also subjectively I didn't super enjoy the pacing of the latter 2 books) but it did make me feel a lot of things and think a lot of thoughts. if the blurb sounds like something you are interested in then I recomend giving it a shot and then you can decide what you think of it yourself

Ancillary justice book (liked this one a lot, but havent felt motivated to read the sequel)

Other fun Studio Trigger animes such as Promare, Cyberpunk 2077, Kill la Kill

Nausicaa and the valley of the wind manga (the movie is good but the manga spanned 10 years, is gorgeously rendered, and goes MUCH more in depth especially wrt climate philosophy and such)

Slay the Princess video game (on steam but also I got into it just by watching letsplays online. It's really good and REALLY interesting, i love how it uses the visual novel format to its story advantage to pull of some incredibly cool story twists. Highly recomend!)

I feel like I am forgetting things that made my brain zing. My childhood special interest was CATS the musical (stage play and 1998 recorded production) and i definitely got brain zing from that but I don't think it has a lot of taste overlaps with tlt. this post really went off the rails but in my defense, it is after midnight

[otakween]

Digital Monster X-evolution

If those janky Digimon World cutscenes were a whole movie, it'd be this. To be fair, I think outdated CGI has a lot more charm than a lot of the higher quality but soulless stuff they put out nowadays. Plot-wise it was nothing special, we've seen this plot a zillion times by now. They just injected it with some new gimmicks. I did find the main character charming enough. I honestly wouldn't mind seeing another attempt at an all-CGI movie as long as that didn't become the new default (slippery slope lol).

Notes:

Although the plot of this film was really simple they managed to add some convoluted lore anyways...because Digimon. Just when I was thinking "that was confusing" I saw that this wiki has a 900 page long (not really lol) explanation/play-by-play. Maybe I'll read it when it's not my bed time: https://wikimon.net/Digital_Monster_X-evolution

Of course they had to open the movie with Leomon dying (really?) Why is that a thing? I've never felt emotional seeing any Leomon die tbh lol

I think Dorumon and his digivolutions have really strong designs. His rookie form kinda looks like a furry version of Monodramon. I've been playing Digimon RPG (the MMO) and just by chance ended up with him as my partner (I actually thought I was getting Impmon lol). Fate!

Not a lot of levity here, the script took itself very seriously and the characters spent most of the film just being existential and talking about the meaning of life. Kinda heavy for a silly little monster battle film.

Legit got a little emotional when Dorumon was being bullied, but it's really easy to feel sad for a furry little creature

The CGI actually held up better than I thought it would for the most part, the mecha digimon especially looked awesome. The only "AH! KILL IT WITH FIRE!" moment was Andromon -shudder-

(Of course, Andromon is ugly in any form, but this is definitely his worst).

Weird seeing Omegamon vs. WarGreymon. I was also surprised to see Magnamon in the Royal Knights. He just seems more beast-like to me than the other knights.

Tokomon was one of those "is it cute or is it annoying?" baby characters. I'm leaning more towards cute, but there were moments where I was like "alright, that's enough of him" loi

Dorugamon kinda reminded me of Toothless. I wanna pet his big nose :3c

They just couldn't resist, they had to call something in this franchise "Yggradsil" didn't they

(They also used other Norse names, the same ones used in Ah! My Goddess).

The funky X-forms of digimon were fun, very angular. It reminds me of the newer Pokemon games how they keep adding new gimmicky forms. I'm sure we'll be seeing more of these. I guess in a way, this is a more realistic "evolution" since it has to do with the digimon reacting to their environment by developing antibodies.

I saw people complaining that Frontier only had two Royal Knights, well I guess they made up for it a bit here. Are they always gonna be working for the villain side? I wanna see a series where they're the heroes!

It was neat seeing Silphymon again. I get excited when 02 characters show up cuz it's kind of the underdog season in my mind.

The villain digimon (aside from the royal knights) weren't very well explained they just kinda showed up, caused havoc, then went away. The only reason why I have a name for any of them is cuz I read the wiki. I guess it would be hard to naturally fit in all the names...

The name "Alphamon" was kind of an eyeroll. They're running out of epic names lol. (Also, it just makes me think of alpha bros nowadays). The design is nice tho, it's got the black w/ gold highlights thing that I liked in Frontier.

Lots of badass cape shots in this (see my final screenshot above)

At the end of the movie the digital world was destroyed and then restored (Frontier much?) It wasn't really clear what that meant for the digimon. Did they all just resurrect via digiegg? Were they recreated exactly as they were before the world's destruction? -shrug-

Pretty sad that this movie never got any love in the states. I wonder if there's a fandub out there somewhere.

Apparently Digimon World 4 is related to this movie so I'll be playing that next!

[spnfanficpond]

New Member Spotlight September 2024

The Pond is always growing and we want to make our new members feel welcome! Here’s a list of recent additions to our fishy family and a little info about them!

Turtles

Mads - she/her, US, BookFreaks24 (Discord)

OTP? - I’m definitely a multishipper! ;)

Looking for in the Pond? - Mostly see how the fandom's been thriving over time. Check in with the community.

Pairings you read? - Mostly slash ships but poly occasionally works it’s way in there.

Genres you read? - Crack is an all-time favorite. But my most common genre is hurt/comfort.

What do you like to write? - Mostly pre-series thoughts and dabbles for myself. I tend to jot down headcanons whenever they pop up in my head. 😅

Guppies, Jellies, and Mutuals, oh, my!

Nightbreaker - Eastern US, @the-nightbreaker, The_Nightbreaker (AO3 & Discord)

Looking for in the Pond? - Writing friends and readers :)

Genres you read? - Angst and fluff

What do you like to write? - Angst and fluff. Mostly angst. Mostly Sam trauma angst.

Masterlist!

Dallas - it/he/they, West Coast US, @thicc-mothman, @hotel-casifornia, Thicc_Mothman (AO3), thiccmothman420 (Discord)

OTP? - Destiel

Other fandoms? - lots & lots, far too many to all list

Looking for in the Pond? - community and to get some of my writing out there

Pairings you read? - reader inserts & oc fics mostly

Genres you read? - all kinds, i do favor smut the most though

Masterlist!

Ciel - East Coast US, @incesthemes, southerngothics (AO3 & Discord)

OTP? - wincest (samdean, more weirdcest than wincest)

Other fandoms? - the terror (amc) predominantly, but also a lot of other boat media too. i'm also a fan of interview with the vampire

Looking for in the Pond? - it seems like a great way to network, and also a nice place to talk in-depth about writing and writing theory :)

Pairings you read? - i basically only read wincest shipfic. there are a few ships i'm interested in outside of wincest, but i haven't explored much of the fic scene for them

Genres you read? - i don't have any specific genres i enjoy reading; i just like long (or longer, 7k+ words with no upper limit), well-written, plot-heavy stories. my favorite tropes are soulbonds, bodyswaps, genderbends (in-universe supernatural gender transformation, NOT different gender aus), and canon divergent aus.

Favorite writer(s)? - i'm a big fan of @according2thelore's fics :)

What do you like to write? - i like writing longer stories (15k+) with horror elements—i almost exclusively write romance as a horror, with complicated and toxic relationships are the crux of the conflict and a source of dread and anxiety. otherwise, i enjoy writing much shorter character/relationship studies which deal with a sense of unreality and experimental/creative prose styles.

Masterlist!

Something you haven't written but would like to try? Why not? How can we help? -i have a million and one wips and no time to finish them, lol

Nicole - she/her, Central US, @honestlydonotcareenough, Lorel77 (AO3), nicoleveryofficial (Discord)

OTP? - Destiel (but am a true multishipper)

Other fandoms? - Stephen King's IT

Looking for in the Pond? - Fandom community and getting excited about writing!

Pairings you read? - Usually ships, but am excited to start RIs

Genres you read? - Angst, AUs, casefic

Favorite writer(s)? - kalliel on AO3 is an old favorite :) valleydean (AO3) too

What do you like to write? - i've only written one spn fic, and it was fluffy pre-slash

Masterlist!

Most underappreciated fic? - monster movie

Something you haven't written but would like to try? Why not? How can we help? -I'd like to write a couple of AUs, but they seem like big projects! I could also use help with character voice honestly

Freyja - she/her, South Africa, @eldritchlibertine, EldritchLibertine (AO3), Perephone/hellisotherpeople (Discord)

Other fandoms? - AHS, Marvel, TVD, True Blood

Looking for in the Pond? - Friends who read fanfic, friends who write fanfic, advise on my own fanfic, recommendations, community.

Pairings you read? - Reader inserts and OCs mainly.

Genres you read? - Angst, smut, slow burn, whump

What do you like to write? - Angst, slow-burn, reader inserts, sometimes smut

Amanranth - she/her, under 18 years old, Eastern US, @darkdiamonds7, morethanoneface (Discord)

OTP? - I don’t have one! I’m only on Season 6, but I haven’t found a ship I really like yet. I guess I would say I ship Dean with my OC

Other fandoms? - Marvel, The Owl House, Gravity Falls, AtLA, Shadow and Bone, Spiderverse, Hamilton, Lunar Chronicles, Brandon Sanderson Cosmere, Outer Banks, Arcane, Lord of the Rings, and Wings of Fire

Looking for in the Pond? - I’m looking to read other people’s stuff so I can learn from their example. I’m looking for a community to talk about SPN and delve into its themes. I’m looking for answers about how to write fanfiction. And, maybe, eventually, I’m looking for a place to advertise my work and get feedback.

Pairings you read? - Reader inserts and OC inserts are my favorite to read, and I also love anything AU. But I’ll read anything 😈

Genres you read? - Def fluff, followed by angst

Favorite writer(s)? - Rebekah13592 on Quotev. I read Sola by her over several years and loved it

What do you like to write? - OC inserts, that change the plot slightly. I also add in my own details if there’s something in the original material that I hate

Arty - she/her, UK, @artyandink, artyandink (Discord)

OTP? - Either Dean x Jo (they could’ve worked if she stayed) or Sam x Eileen

Looking for in the Pond? - To share my work with other writers, support them and make friends :)

Pairings you read? - Reader inserts

Genres you read? - Fav trope: coworkers to lovers and I read pretty much any genre

Favorite writer(s)? - @zepskies (same name on AO3)

What do you like to write? - Smut/angst/crack/fluff

tête-à-tête

Most underappreciated fic? - tête-à-tête (Dawson's Creek)

That's all for this month, folks! (If we're missing anyone, let us know and we'll add them to next month's list!) Make sure to say hi to the newbies and make them feel welcome! Thanks to all from @manawhaat, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mariekoukie6661, @thoughtslikeaminefield, @heavenssexiestangel, and @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes!

[scarecrowofthefields]

sotf surveys - Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow

Yo, welcome to a series about my reactions to the Naruto movies and OVAs. Today we will be reviewing Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow (legit thought about doing this right after I finished the movie while having dinner lol)

I had previously watched Naruto Movie 1 when I was younger so this was more of a refresher to me. I remember a few major details but the rest were cloudy so I had a few surprises which was exciting, this is the benefit of rewatching something you've seen ages ago and become encapsulated with it all over again. Let's get into it:

OH MAN, you can definitely tell this was movie quality animation. I did not notice how well it was animated when I was younger, they really used up the budget well. Animated shows like to cut corners when it comes to animating to save both time and money which can make the animation feel stale. BUT THIS OUGH, you can see the overshoots and the anticipation in the characters' movements which adds more to their personality, specifically Naruto and Sakura who are outwardly expressive.

SPEAKING OF EXPRESSIONS

FINALLY I KNOW THE CONTEXT OF THIS IMAGE, I've seen it around before but wasn't sure where it was from.

An example of animation that display's Sakura's personality is in a scene 11 minutes into the movie where Team 7 (minus Naruto) gets a debrief on their mission with the film team.

Just for those 7 seconds we see how interested and excited Sakura is being in a movie studio. If it were set on the show I feel like she would only look over her shoulder and that would be it. In movie form we get a bit extra, not just looking over her should but she's innocently rocking back and forth. In addition, we have some background characters moving around which makes the space feel alive.

Another thing to note is the fluid motion of a character or scene being carried over from one frame to the next also the physical weight of their actions.

My favorite example of this is Yukie getting drunk in a small bar, you can see in both her and the other patron are clearly drunk and it's not because of the sake present. Yukie would slosh around, jerk forward suddenly, and have a heavy hand. When Sandayuu and Sakura burst in you can see the weight of their movements as well.

I'm also a sucker for sound quality and the use of foley sounds in movies ever since I learned about it in school. The sounds in Naruto Movie 1 are DELICIOUS. I'm fortunate to have access to a surround sound software also the website I'm using to watch the movie still contains the original sound file so, audibly, it feels like I am in a physical movie theater.

Interestingly, noticed a few scenes used dolly zoom. Not much to comment about it, very neutral about it.

Ma ma, enough with the technicalities, let's get into the plot-

"I guess it can't be helped." KAKASHI!?!? STRAIGHT UP WHIPS OUT THE SHARINGAN JUST TO PUT YUKIE UNDER A GENJUTSU. LIKE I GET IT, GOTTA MOVE HER ALONG NO SENSE IN BICKERING, BUT LMAO

Baby Koyuki and her father :(( the whole dream/flashback was adorable, even if it was short-lived.

Time to be a little Kakashi-biased, mainly the voice acting teehee. I'd like to note that I'm watching this in sub so Kazuhiko Inoue I am all ears. This is the scene where the filming gets interrupted by the villains, Kakashi springs into action, with a quick and commanding voice directs Team 7 to protect the now revealed princess, Koyuki.

If only y'all can hear this gif

Not the villains boasting about their literal plot armor to our protagonists.

Good job Sakura on doing what you're suppose to be doing! Protecting Koyuki-sama. Naruto ran straight towards one of the antagonists, though to be fair Sasuke was defending himself against the female antagonist. For theatrics sake makes sense, you gotta have a fight scene yknow.

I need to remember the movies aren't canon- Kakashi copying Ice-Style? Not possible since it's known as a kekki genkai, though for the sake of the plot and theatrics Kakashi's allowed to use Ice-Style lol.

ANBU KAKASHI SPOTTED IN FLASHBACK

"I, Sandayuu, will protect you with my life!" My pattern recognition senses are tingling...

Gonna dip back into some technicals again for a moment:

One of my favorite tropes in shows and movies is the involvement of the behind the scenes team present on stage, regardless if it's the camera crew, the animation crew, the production crew, etc. It's a funny gag, letting the audience know how hard these people work to produce their shows and movies. In Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow is no different where they show the type of work they put in setting up the scene with backdrops and props, ensuring the actors are in costume and make-up, and the final touch is the lights, mic, and camera are a go before calling action. The movie takes it a step further and shows us how far the director is willing to go to produce the final chapter of their movie series, it's also a chance of a lifetime.

I WAS RIGHT- BUT HOLY FUCK WAS THAT OVERKILL. RIP Sandayuu

I love the initial exchange in dialogue between Koyuki and Naruto during the prison scene,

"Well deserved." "You too."

MORE BABY KOYUKI AND HER DAD FLASHBACK

"Everyone seems to forget, I'm an actress." Ngl, thought Koyuki was under a genjutsu at first, then she double played me by stabbing Dotou. She really is an actress, go off girl

Sakura and Sasuke showing off their clever battle tactics??? A really impressive scene with their skills as shinobi; using their environment to their advantage, great use of ninja tools, great use of taijutsu too, and lastly they figured out how to destroy the chakra armor.

"Even if ninjutsu and genjutsu don't work on you, a shinobi still has taijutsu." The essential Shinobi Battle Skills!!!

A common trend with the first movie and the following Naruto movies, the main villain is always defeated with a rasengan variant, with Naruto: Ninja Clash in the Land of Snow it's a 7 color chakra rasengan, or "rainbow rasengan". I find the variants really cool, though the trend to be silly /pos

baby Koyuki and her father memory? NO, baby Koyuki and her father projection!!! Legit thought she was having another flashback.

MY MAN KAKASHI JUST FOUND OUT ICHA ICHA PARADISE IS GETTING A MOVIE ADAPTION AND KOYUKI IS STARRING IN IT

Like any marvel movie, if you stick around until the very end the animation crew shows their gratitude towards the audience by thanking them which I really like especially since this is the first Naruto movie so they worked really hard on this and I appreciate their efforts.

[slexenskee]

JJK Recs

Got a comment on this and figured I'd turn it into a post. Here are some of my favorite Gojo-centric JJK recs that basically live rent-free in my head and also very much so helped me form my own characterization for Gojo. Most of these are GoYuu bc I'm a shameless fan.

I keep the warmest truth - dehawny: Gojo/Yuuji | just adore this ace!Gojo headcanon. lowkey so torn on Gojo's sexuality bc I absolutely can see him being asexual and maybe even a bit touch-averse with the whole Infinity thing, but I also can see him being a total slut lol. This is one of my favorites and the only ace!Gojo I've found I think? The tags are just perfect and very much so aligned with my own personal Gojo heacanon 😂 "Gojou is confident about everything and that includes his sexuality", "he's also good at everything except maybe communicating"

A Duty and Responsibility - googlehome: Gojo/Sukuna this fic definitely pushed my 'bottom Gojo agenda' idk I can see this man with any sexuality I swear. Another great characterization of Gojo, and also Sukuna. I adore very serious fics with a splash of humor in the narrative. I can't imagine Gojo as a person who takes himself entirely seriously, no matter how much responsibility he accepts, or how many burdens he carries for others, or what kind of nonsense gay crisis he ends up in, so I just love his voice in this.

Countdown - Rizna: Gojo/Yuuji a fandom classic as far as I'm concerned. This is such an excellent role reversal AU - if you're into S2 teenage brat Gojo, this delivers. I love all versions of Gojo, including mouthy teenage twink Gojo deeply obsessed with his adult sensei who's Trying His Best™ to be the adult in the relationship.

Enough (A Cinderalla Story) - athena_crikey: Gojo/Yuuji in an absolutely fucking hilarious twist of irony, I actually didn't read this story for a long time because it was a rockstar AU and when I first got into this fandom I was desperate for canon stuff. Meanwhile I then go on to bust out 400k+ words of my own rockstar!Gojo AU, so I guess I'm just a fucking clown.

Heart Laid Bare - athena_crikey: Gojo/Namami incredible introspection on how Gojo handles (or rather, doesn't handle) the burden of being invincible and the strongest told in Nanami's POV. I could wax poetic about this fic and the way Gojo comes across so multi-faceted as both a man who can do everything and also a man who can't even remember to adequately feed himself. I drew a lot of the inspiration for Gojo's cursed technique in my fic from this, how Infinity is both his blessing and his curse and the parallels to his overuse of RCT being a kind of toxic spiral.

Shared Infinity - athena_crikey: Gojo & Yuuji - read the tags on this one it deals with some heavy stuff (not with Gojo) I love the way this fic showcases Gojo as a mature adult deeply protective over his students while still maintaining his kind of flippant/uncaring outer persona we see in the show. Just completely love fics that really naile the dichotomy of Gojo being both caring and yet rather unkind.

Take Two - athena_crikey: Gojo/Yuuji - specifically love how this AU fic deals with the idea of Gojo's own fame being his shield between himself in the world around him where his Infinity technique doesn't exist. I love how Gojo is handled in this one, so jagged around the edges, and just his own worst enemy when it comes to his own feelings. Also love me a Gojo who can own up to his own mistakes, look at our baby go, showing emotional maturity and everything!!

Still, More Firsts - hngr4fngr: Gojo/Yuuji man do I adore this whole series. Great porn with ridiculously excellent plot/characterizations lol like I came here for the bottom!Gojo and left with way too many feelings about how Gojo deals with his trauma and how that would effect his sex life. Also has a super interesting take on how Infinity works!

little lamb to the slaughter - voxofthevoid: Gojo/Yuuji still obsessed with the astoundingly incredible smut, just absolutely shook by how god-tier this writing is, it is so hard to write good smut, just pacing, flow, word choice... this could be a masterclass on how to write really great smut that can actually pull a visceral reaction out of a reader. I think a great deal of that ability comes from a mastery of the tone of voice of the characters, too. Gojo is just incredible in this Yuuji POV, the way he describes Gojo is just utter perfection. On a related note, in general Yuuji's voice is so fucking funny in a way that doesn't detract at all from the mood of the story. In fact I think this would be too heavy without his hilarious occasional inputs.

there is no try (but it's still going to take a while) - juurensha: Gojo/Geto I love me a star wars AU jfc. I'm not even a fan of SatoSugu but this is just *chefs kiss* Jedi Master Gojo is such a mood.

anchor - valleykey: Gojo/Geto I love this one mainly for the Suguru characterization, which I truly never thought I'd say bc I'm just not normally a fan of his character/relationship with Gojo. He's just perfect in this fic though - it just makes so much more sense for his characterization, and idk, pulls it altogether in a way I think it falls flat in canon. That isn't to say Gojo's not great in this, he's just really not the main character at all. But it deals well with Gojo's loyalty to those he deems worthy of it (even if the recipient isn't considered 'proper' by jujutsu society) and just offers a good take on supportive (and smitten) Gojo

[audioroleplayconfessions]

https://www.tumblr.com/audioroleplayconfessions/733894052580327424/i-cant-get-into-other-audio-roleplays-because-the

Answering the questions!

Thank you Admin! ♪⁠ ⁠\⁠(⁠^⁠ω⁠^⁠\⁠ ⁠)

I like a heathly combination of fluff and plot though I don't mind either on their own. I prefer cinematic stories with more parts!

Slow burn is definitely a favorite of mine! I like all genres but I do have a preference for fantasy storylines.

I absolutely avoid the fan made y/n-esque audio rp with already existing characters i.e Midoriya, Todoroki, Bakugou, no hate to the ones who like or make those, props to the voice impressions. I find it amazing they could imitate the voices but they just aren't for me though. Original characters are much more my thing.

Otherwise I'm fine with regards to everything else!

So far I only like GBA, Redacted and Sundew. I prefer soft, gentle mid-ranged to deeper voices. I like deep voices but I don't think I'd like a voice as deep as the mariana trench lol. Higher pitched voices also aren't my thing and if it's too whispery then it won't do it for me as well.

I'm pretty picky ain't I? Apologies if this is inconvenient, I have no one to ask for recommendations and I'm particularly new to the community (⁠*⁠´⁠ω⁠｀⁠*⁠)

Warmest regards, much love, numerous thanks and salutations,

T.

Oh, I have some recommendations for you! My opinions are a bit biased here (I have a very strong preference for plot-heavy audios over fluff) but it looks like a lot of my favorites suit your tastes. I dislike fanfiction stuff too, especially MHA stuff and I also prefer gentle voice ranges that aren't too high or too low.

I'll give you a few recommendations.

#1: Escaped Audios! He's the very best VA at making you feel like you are living in a movie. All of his stories are heartfelt and exciting, most have slow-burn romances. Most of his characters have a gentle, mid-range voice that isn't too high or too deep (though he as a couple deeper voiced characters). I like his style of acting because he sounds very sincere and "real" when he talks. My two favorite playlists from him are Matador Gothic (his dramatic vampire slayer adventure) and The New Jersey Rats (a mafia-themed Romantic comedy).

I've followed him since Matador Gothic came out a little over a year ago but he's only recently started to gain hype after being super under-rated for a long time. If you like GBA's style of story telling you'll probably like him too. The only downside you might experience is that his stories usually don't leave a lot of room for fluff, so there are no cuddle audios or sleep aids etc on his channel. That said he's my current favorite, is incredibly creative and original, and he's amazing at supercharging my brain with serotonin.

#2: Obsidian Lantern. He has some of the most immersive sound production of any VA I've ever seen. Some of his earlier stuff is a little weird and clumsy but once he catches his footing he's great. His voice is very gentle and comforting to me, and he'll even speak a little Spanish sometimes.

His Gator Boys series is great and actually ties in with the lore of a few other VA's universes! I also really like his Merfolk series. He also plays around with common tropes while putting his own unique spin on them and I really like that too. He also makes all of his own art, and he not only draws thumbnails but actually makes illustrations of the scenes in his audios which is super cool. Overall really great, I think you'd like him.

#3. ZSaku VA. His playlists start out a little slow but over time his style evolved to be more cinematic. I really like his Vampire series (the Xanthus playlist) and his two interconnected crime series (The Elias and Issac playlists). They're good from the outset and just get better. Lately he's been making higher-stakes stories with more collabs and I love that. He's also collabed with a bunch of the other people I mentioned, which I love to see.

He has a nice balance between fluff and story-telling, and lots of his plots/characters connect to one another. If you like Redacted Audio you'll probably like ZSaku. The only downside is that he takes a long time in between episodes of each series, and works on multiple series at the same time, so if you really get into one playlist you might end up feeling a bit impatient.

#4: YuuriVoice. He's got a rotating cast of characters and he's one of my long-time comfort channels. He has ongoing plots throughout all of his series, but his stuff is mostly character-based. It's worth listening to everything and getting attached to his characters, as their development gets better and more complex over time.

He can do a pretty broad range of voices too, and they all feel unique and fresh. He has done some MHA/fanfic type audios before in the past but over time he transitioned to focusing on his own original characters and I love all of them.

#5: Shining Armor ASMR. I like him more as a comfort/fun/fluff channel. A great channel for listening to little bite sized audios with fun character concepts and lower stakes. I also like his voice and his accent, and it's fun seeing him do different voices within his accent. Definitely more on the fluff side but I think you'd appreciate him!

That's about it! There are more channels I like but based on your tastes I think you would like those channels. Also, honorable mention to Desmond ASMR. I love him but he's been on hiatus for like a year now!

Feel free to leave your own recommendations/cosigns/etc in the comments and reblogs.

Love, Ringmaster.

[sleeping-jayy]

"Here we go again" Information Post

(Read the fic here)

《¤》

Calling all creepypasta fans!

Do you like Eyeless Jack? Do you like gore, violence, and thrilling horror? Do you like homey vibes too?

I have just the thing for you! This fic (somehow) has all of this! From tags like hurt/comfort, to found family.

This fic is about Jack, who has hit his one year mark of working for The Tall One. Provided with a cabin, electricity, and protection, he is tasked with fixing up anyone who comes along. It's not in the job description to become familiar with them, but Jack can't help but hear their stories.

With reoccurring characters such as:

Toby Rodgers, Helen (The Bloody Painter) Otis, Tim Wright ("Masky"), Brian Thomas ("Hoodie"), Kate Hayes-Milens ("Kate the Chaser"), Cody (X-Virus) Unknown, and many more iconic characters.

And with lesser known characters (/OCs) like:

Pippa Darling, Leo ("Cross-X") Fincher, Reed Carter, "Something", "Smokey", and more!

《¤》

(For those of you who have read it already, hi welcome to under the cut, the ad is over lol. I wanted to explain some stuff since Act 1 has ended.)

Act 1

Starting with Toby Rodgers, and ending with Kate Hayes-Milens, Act 1 is a calm, homey handful of chapters with intertwined hurt/comfort along with sting of horror.

Although Jack has only been in his cabin for a year now, he definitely has a handle on things.

Along with the end of Act 1, comes the start of a secondary fic called "I want to die with all my scars (and if they don't like the way we are then fuck them)" I know I do a lot of songs as titles, but they do actually have significance, I swear.

This fic, will have a lot of additional material from outside of Jacks cabin. At the end of Act 1 (spoiler for those who haven't made it there yet.) Kate visits and gives Jack a walkie talkie to communicate with the others outside of his small circle. This secondary fic is for things mentioned in the first one but not fully touched on.

For example, it's mentioned by Liu that Ben said the Hornets boys (Tim, Brian, and Toby) were on a road trip. That is one such things that will be talked about in this fic.

Silly little adventures with other characters that may change the dynamic between each other that wouldn't otherwise be I the central plot of the first fic.

This includes OCs! Pippa Darling, a character from a fic on ao3, will be popping up occasionally, and my own character Reed Carter.

You can even submit your own character to be in the two series. Just leave a comment with a link leading to their story, or a social media so I can contact you!

(If they're heavily leaning on or shipped with a popular ("canon" in heavy quotation) character, then I probably won't use it due to not wanting any shipping or big relationships in the story. Unless you happen to have a set of OCs.)

FAQ

1. "Can I make fanart/fanfiction of HWGA?"

Yes! I encourage it! Just tag me so I can see it!

2. "Will [insert character] be in it?"

Most likely. If there's any requests, then I'll probably write for them too!

3. "What does Jack look like?"

Jack in this fic is more of a metaphor than a person. I'll let you choose what that means to you, but this also means that Jack can look like whatever you wish him to. Any "official art" I make for the series won't even have a consistent design for Jack because that's not the point. See Jack however you'd like, because he's supposed to be a source of comfort in anyway you, and his patients, see fit. You'll notice that that's why I've never outright described what he looks like. Be creative. :)

4. "Where/when does this take place?"

That's sort of a spoiler as of now. It's connected to "The Path of Black Leaves" which was made/coined by the slenderblogs here on tumblr, which is a a mode of transportation. But for a simple answer, kind of in New England.

As for when, it's taming place sometime in the mid 2000's

《¤》

That's all for now! This post will update as things get posted and the plot moves along. If you have any questions, OC submissions, or just want to say hi, do so in the comments! :) I love to see it!!!

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

yessss, two friends showed me jennifers body a couple years ago! the movie deserves every single bit of hype it gets, i had so much fun, it was delicious!

(if you have more recs? 👀👀 I love literary/audio horror but ive been too... idk, scared? because i don't know what i like when it comes to visuals?)

LET’S GOOOOO!!! I put off watching Jennifer’s Body for so long because I was worried it would not live up to the hype but MAN was it worth it. They have been plaguing my thoughts ever since. I am especially a massive fan of the costume design because they NAILED that shit!!

Admittedly I’m more into horror movies than novels (it is . So hard to read these days) and podcasts have never caught my fancy, but it would feel wrong to not recommend sign here by Claudia Lux and the ever infamous American psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. I actually haven’t finished American psycho because it is a dense read but my god it’s a beautiful masterpiece of a book and I did not expect it to be as hilarious as it is

Movie wise I tend to jump all over the place and watch whatever catches my fancy so this is. Not a very cohesive rec list and not full of very many older homoerotic movies but. I plan to watch more when I can

First and foremost I am an absolute die hard fan of house of 1000 corpses. I cannot put into words how much I love it in all of its weirdness. It was made by rob zombie of living dead girl fame and you can TELL in the best of ways. It’s got fun colour grading, excessive swearing, weird ass characters, and such a fun setting. I’d say it’s on the medium-heavy side of gore with a couple of body horror scenes and a good bit of blood and mutilation. The seocnd movie is good, third eh, but you don’t actually need to watch those two. They take the camp of the first movie and turn it into a more gritty realistic energy that is almost meanspirited in nature

I’m a HUGE cabin fever fan and I will recommend it at every chance I get, BUT! There is a caveat and that is that it is not only significantly gory but also that it is weird, campy, kitschy, and a real big fan of slurs, LOL. I think we hit several n-words, an r-word or two, and some use of faggot. Some of the later scenes are downright WEIRD but despite it all it is one of my favourite horrors with some really haunting scenes

Hellraiser in general is a wonderful franchise, I love Clive Barker’s choice to base the cenobites around a mix of BDSM and gay culture and how he characterizes pinhead, even if the later movies fuck it up a little. The 2022 standalone is a huge favourite in particular, I love the imagery and the cenobite redesigns that lean heavier into body horror as well as the cinematography. Jamie Clayton’s pinhead is fucking INCREDIBLE to boot

If you like erotic horror, X is definitely a good one to watch - the plot centres around sex workers determined to make an erotic film and make it big, with some immaculate commentary on desirability, beauty, and aging. Good bit of tits and ass in that one, as well as medium level gore. It also has two sequels, Pearl and MaXXXine, which are set in the past and future respectively. Pearl was secretly shot at the same time as X in the same location and focuses on the lust for fame, the need to make it big, and a youthful mania of sorts coming from Pearl. MaXXXine I haven’t actually seen yet so I cannot say much about it, but I hope to get to it soon!

The fear street trilogy is also a remarkably well done series that seamlessly covers one long tangled mystery throughout three different timelines, using the same handful of actors for each one! The use of setting and cinematography is so fuckint cool, the eventual mystery reveal is absolutely wild, and there’s even a canon queer relationship! The gore isn’t too bad, I’d say light but there are some moments that push it to a medium at best

Ready or Not is a movie I enjoy for a variety or reasons (I think the iconic shot of Grace in a ripped and bloody wedding dress is pretty big on the internet), from the setting to the storytelling to Samara Weaving’s fucking banshee screams, with medium-light gore (though the bits that do show up are impactful as all hell. Cabin in the Woods is fun as a deconstruction of the horror genre (and a story that theoretically makes every single horror movie made canon, wow), though it’s also just really fucking funny. Another medium gore!

Candyman 2021 is a brilliant take on an old legacy of movies (again, no previous ones need watching) with a wonderful exploration of gentrification, black trauma, and what makes the candyman the candyman. I know I keep talking about cinematography but holy fuck, the multimedia use in this film in particular. Immaculate. I feel practically obligated to recommend Deathgasm, which is an indie horror with some pretty wicked gore, if not just because the main characters are all metalheads, and as one myself, it’s SO COOL to see us as protags in a horror movie

Last but not least, Prey 2022. Holy fuck, Prey is an utter masterpiece. It’s the latest addition to the predator franchise, another one of those ones you don’t Need to have watched in order to watch prey, but havint seen them gives the watching experience a good bit more depth, with iconic lines being given a new spin. It’s technically a prequel to the first ever predator movie, focusing on one of the first few appearances of a predator on earth (ehhh debatable considering the canon of aliens vs predator but I’m ignoring that for the sake of conciseness), giving it more a more basic appearance and weapons, while also letting it kick absolute ASS. The plot is incredible, the cinematography is incredible, the CGI animals are so much better than ever expected, and it’s also the first ever feature length film to ever have an official Comanche dub!!! Holy fuck!!

As a bonus, though I haven’t seen it, Doctor Sleep also seems like a really well done movie! It’s based off of the Stephen King book set after the shining, reprising and revisiting a lot of iconic moments to tell a new story with fucking incredible visuals that put their own spin on the shining

[anoramactir]

book recs! tagged by @rosenfey & @jennystahl. blows kisses to both of you <3 i'll tag @a-treides, @katsigian, @dekarios, @shellibisshe, @devilbrakers, and @frankensteined.

last book you read. the salt grows heavy by cassandra khaw.

horror/fantasy, kind of a little mermaid retelling? i had mixed feelings about it. there was definitely an interesting plot in there, but i thought it was bogged down by purple prose. felt more like a challenge to write the prettiest sentences possible - and there were v lovely lines! - than a story at times.

book you recommend. fight club by chuck palahniuk.

hard q, but i went with this one because i feel like the reputation the movie + it's fans have makes people avoid it. i could repeat all the soundbites about it being a brilliant satire & criticque of toxic masculinity (especially if you read the narrator as closeted) but tbh... i'm reccing it because i think it's fun. that's really it.

book you couldn't put down. bunny by mona awad.

disclaimer: i've seen this one hyped as the weirdest shit you'll ever read in your life but i didn't think it was that weird. lower your expectations. i did like it enough to finish in three days, though. idk what to say about it that won't spoil the plot— kinda heathers meets frankenstein? more eerie than scary.

book you've read twice or more. the queen's thief series by megan whalen turner.

society if this was the old school ya fantasy that blew up on booktok instead of shatter me: ☀️🌊🌳 i read this one back in high school and it rewired my brain permanently. attolia irene is the only girlboss that matters. i come back to it every few years (rereading book 4 now) & i think it still holds up.

book on your tbr. last call at the hotel imperial by deborah cohen.

it's a non-fiction about a group of reporters that covered ww2. i picked it up randomly at a bookstore because the cover was pretty, lol.

book you've put down. the priory of the orange tree by samantha shannon.

i know i'd love it if i finished but it's just so long. 😭 i've tried like three times and i always lose steam about halfway through. at this point i'll finish it by 2050.

book on your wishlist. hollow places by christopher hadley.

ambie actually recced this to me ages ago and i've been dying to read it. it sounds so interesting! but it's not available as an ebook or at my library, and i'm banned from buying physical books until i get through my stupidly tall tbr stack. one day.

favorite book from your childhood. howl's moving castle by diana wynne jones.

nobody is surprised. it's probably my favorite book of all time. a+ vibes, characters, romance, everything. i own three copies and refuse to get rid of any. if i could find an autographed version, i'd own four.

book you would give a friend. interview with the vampire by anne rice.

i need you all to become obsessed with lestat & louis and then watch the amc series so it gets renewed for season 3. please & thank you.

book of poetry or lyrics you own. time is a mother by ocean vuong.

haven't read it yet, but i've heard great things!

nonfiction book you own. girl sleuth: nancy drew and the women who created her by melanie rehak.

goes into the creation of nancy drew & how it evolved through the years, especially how it was shaped by the original ghostwriter and the daughter of the creator, and their decades-long beef with each other. i came out of it with a parasocial grudge against a woman who died in 1982.

what you're currently reading. a conspiracy of kings by megan whalen turner.

book 4 of the queen's thief series. crown prince sophos has been kidnapped and sold into slavery and it's all very dramatic.

what you're planning on reading next. moby dick by herman melville.

i've never gotten around to this one and i feel like i have to eventually. there's a 75% chance i'll get sidetracked and pick up something totally different, though.

[runningwithmyeyesclosed]

I took such a long nap yesterday that when I woke up it was 10pm and I knew I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep. So what else could I do but start reading another fic??

Another Mask Behind You by lettered

Main Pairing: Harry Potter/Draco Malfoy

Pairing Type: Rich Harry/Sex Worker Draco

Type: Post Hogwarts - Shunned Slytherins

Spice: 9/10 (I think the sex is more intense than graphic but there is a lot and it's described so this gets the highest "spice" level I've given)

Word Count: 116,557

POV: Draco

My Summary:

After the war is over, Draco is forced to give up everything he knows. With no way to take care of himself, he is forced into sex work to make any sort of living. When Harry Potter hires an escort through his company, Draco makes a plan to bring Harry to his knees. Will Draco succeed, or will all the cards come tumbling down?

My Thoughts:

(This is going to be a long one fellas)

I have so many thoughts. Haha, so many of you (literally no one) may have been wondering how I choose my next fic. I quite literally just have a search saved for Harry/Draco, complete, descending by kudos. And as long as it's not one I'm saving for a rainy day (Harry Potter and welcome to the world of grey) or like a series I'm working myself up to (The Mirror of Ecidyrue) I read it. As I get further down the list, I'm skipping some based on tags that just aren't my cup of tea. This is all to say I DEEPLY considered skipping this one. The only reason I wanted to read it was because so far I've enjoyed everything I've read from lettered. I'm glad I didn't skip it.

I say all that but you need to seriously beware the tags, they are there for a reason. There were definitely parts that made me uncomfortable, but I believe they were meant to or at least it wasn't meant to be a good example of intimacy. With all that said.

I absolutely love the way lettered characterizes Harry and Draco. I can't get enough of Harry in them. I can't quite give it justice but I shall try to explain. Harry is so closed off. We can see, mostly through Draco, that Harry just can't communicate well or doesn't do it enough, but Draco always manages to push through. Or he does his best to. Draco makes me want to pull my hair out and also give him a huge hug but then push him in a pond. He is so dark and twisty.

I think the plot is a little darker than I am used to lol, but I think it was a good story, and none of the plot points feel forced. The character decisions seem to match what I would think they'd do in the particular position they were in. There were so many times where I wanted to be like "Harry just think from Dracos' perspective!" I did consume this fic at an unexpected pace, it being less than 48 hours since my last post. There were scenes that were heavy, but they weren't out of place, the story being what it was. I enjoyed this fic a great deal.

[roosterbox]

hey! found your blog the other day and i love it<3

do you have any arthut/eames fic recommendations? i rewatched the movie a week ago and can't stop thinking about them

(sorry about the wait!)

First of all, hey there! Hello! Glad you found me, and glad to know you liked Inception. Hard to believe that it’s still drawing so many people in, 14 years on.

Second of all…

Oh baby. Oh man. Not just fic recs, but A/E fic recs? Yesssssssss my time has come.

First, there are a couple of writers whose entire oeuvre you should definitely check out if you haven’t.

Lolahardy, whose Dreamhusbands work is vast and varied, but here are a few of my own favorites (important note: no links because Lola’s fics are currently locked, but they are easily findable if you have an AO3 account, and you should definitely check out all of them, not just the few I mentioned here!):

In Every Universe - the fic that will never die, lol. So many great A/E stories here, but for me, the biggest draw are the other JGL/TH ships contained within. My personal favorite is Forrest/Evelyn, who I almost love even more than A/E at this point. Also, so many tropes and kinks and whatnot. Safe to say, I’m positive you’ll find a lot of different things to enjoy!

Le Mal Du Pays - this one is just lovely. I reread it again for this rec list and boy… still amazing. The chapters set during canon are so good, it’s like watching the movie again, but with the added bonus of actual A/E in the plot, you know?

Love is Strange - A/E by way of Dirty Dancing! I love it when you can enjoy an AU based on a very specific property even without having seen said property. For example, I adore everything about this fic even though I have never watched DD, not even once, lol.

OneWhoSitsWithTurtles, whose A/E work is never anything less than stellar and beautiful, and regularly makes me cry. Also, they have works in other fandoms that are equally worth checking out!

Christmas Without You (Is a Christmas Not Worth Having) - the best. The pinnacle. If ever you (or anyone else, for that matter) were curious about what my favorite A/E fic of all time is? Here’s your answer.

Dream of Me - This one is just beautiful. A simple little somewhat canon-compliant love story. So sugary sweet at times, it runs the risk of being tooth-rotting. But I’m always willing to take that risk.

39 Days to Fall in Love - the survivor AU you didn’t know you were missing. Seriously, it’s so good it might make you want to watch Survivor if you haven’t already, even if you know there’s no Arthur or Eames in it, lol.

Lullaby - Hands down, the saddest A/E fic I have ever read, and certainly in the running for saddest fic period. Seriously, it’s beautiful and worth reading but don’t go in without some tissues.

The Bumblebee and the Flower who Fell in Love - Also very sad, but so very whimsical and sweet besides. A/E works well in seemingly silly setups like this.

And now, for a few more individual recs. Mind you, a lot of my recs are a bit older - I really need to go back and peruse through the ship tag to find new stuff to bookmark - but hey, something something wine metaphors, lol.

End of the Road - this one is so cool. If you like Mad Max Fury Road and ever wondered what it would be like if you combined it with A/E (sort of) and some A/B/O Dynamics, you can’t do better than this.

Quiet Desperation - a lovely little A/E and 00q crossover story! I would read an entire series of this if it existed.

Next Big Thing - A/E as judges on a HGTV reality show. Classic! The exact kind of fairly low stakes drama I can get behind. No spoilers, but my favorite character is Misty Rainbow. For one scene in particular. If you read it, you’ll know exactly which one. Also I wish this show was real.

The Party - heavy subject matter in this one (heed the tags), but getting through the rough stuff makes the eventual fluffier bits almost extra sweet.

Out of Reach - a recent addition to my ranks, but absolutely beautiful. The emotions are so palpable and heartfelt.

And… would it be completely shameless if I included a couple of mine? I don’t like to toot my own horn too much, but since nobody else ever puts me on their reclists, why not, right?

Darling I’m Killed - my somewhat still ongoing Inception/Bond crossover. There are two sequels, and I have no concrete ideas for more yet, but there’s potential.

(I Would Like To) Paint the Way a Bird Sings - the Paint Shop AU that wouldn’t quit, lol. Still can’t believe I actually finished it. Four ships for the price of one in this fic!

Other inception fandom peeps, feel free to reblog and add any fics or authors you like! Especially more recent stuff because I am such a fandom oldtimer, lmao.

Thanks for the ask! I love recommending fics! Also thanks for the follow!

Happy reading!!

❤️

[eccentric-nucleus]

so, i finally finished (posting) my huge, novel-length teenage mutant ninja turtles fanfic. i just posted the final epilogue over on ao3!

here is my director's commentary on it, if you want to read even more about it. this contains spoilers for the whole thing. maybe read the epilogue first and sit with that for a minute. also this will probably be pretty incoherent if you haven't read the whole thing. it's just a disconnected series of thoughts i have about the story, really

man, this story. this is maybe the longest thing i've ever written? like 'the new hive' and 'hell game' had more words (i think) but they were mostly a disconnected series of sex scenes with thin connective tissue between them. this is ~200k words of a single, linear, mostly-plot narrative. i'm writing scenes that aren't just about getting the two leads to fuck!! that's weird. it's definitely the most ambitious thing i've written. kind of weird that it's tmnt fanfic. that's just how it worked out, i guess.

so back in 2022 i watched the rise of the tmnt movie because people kept talking about the animation quality of the fights and that got me into a spiral of actually paying attention to the ninja turtles. i had never been into them & genuinely i think a huge part of getting into tmnt stuff was that rise actually varied the design of the turtles so that they weren't all basically identical save for color-coding. turns out visual design was the missing mystery ingredient.

also in 2022 i was burning out on writing 'goblin cave', when what i had intended to be a fun little writing exercise ended up getting algorithmically surfaced and getting me hundreds of comments on each chapter. that got a little stressful and i wasn't really enjoying that, so i stopped. but i was like, hmm you know i mostly just write weird porn but maybe i should write something a little more ambitious. with a plot, and everything. 'goblin cave' was (in my mind) all about a character who was created for violence deciding art was a much more worthwhile pursuit. but the main character of that doesn't know what art is. because it's a magical dungeon core. and i was still thinking a lot about dead zones of the imagination, by david graeber. so i was like, okay, let's do this again but in a slightly more self-authentic way and make it weird gay porn with weird animal dicks. let's give michelangelo ninjaturtle a monologue about how the powerful are utterly insulated from any consequence.

(also early on, after watching most of rottmnt, i stumbled across this blog post about the tmnt comics and the end of the world. that ended up being deeply influential on the fic too. i've been kinda in a state for the past few years and this fic is absolutely a part of me working through a lot of complicated feelings about the world and the future. lol people talk so much about people writing dark fic 'to cope' but this was pretty much the first time i've outsourced my emotional processing by having bad things happen to fictional characters.)

so uhhh where to start here. the setting of the fic is this complicated messy mashup of a half-dozen tmnt continuities. it's very rise-heavy, since... that was the only series i had watched(/read) when i had determined the major plot points, but there's a lot of bits and pieces from all over.

to roughly outline the characters here, a huge influence on mikey's personality in this is... mikey's 'dr delicate touch' persona in rottmnt. in the sense that... okay yes yes that is a kid's show and all of his dr delicate touch lines are, you know, setups and punchlines. you think he's going to be nice but actually he's mean! etc. but in-universe it's like, wait hold on a second. mikey is like the most emotionally-intelligent of the four. he absolutely knows when people are on the edge of flipping out and need a calming out to a stressful situation. and instead he freaks them out more! mikey's hobby is: being mean to his friends & family, for fun! what a fun character trait.

i was thinking about this tweet a lot, too. i read some writing advice once that people tend to make characters who are supposed to be likable too squeaky-clean. nothing but positive character traits for them! but actually every 'positive' character trait is exactly the same as a 'negative' one; it's just a matter of focus and degree. a character is light-hearted and comedic? they can never take things seriously, even when they really should. a character is willing to do anything to protect the people they love? so they're violent and threatening and scary if they happen to decide you're something that they need to protect against. etc. i was really dedicated in this to bringing out the worst characteristics of everybody's personalities.

mikey was also very deeply inspired by: all the garbage progression fantasy stuff i've been reading. i've complained about this several times on this very blog, but a constant theme in most progression fantasy is 1. the main character will constantly get more and more powerful and 2. the main character will never really have their relationship with the rest of the world changed via that power. it's just stat-ups. they just have higher stats so they're more powerful. mikey is the most powerful person on the planet and it's fucking ruining his life. he knows that there's nobody capable of actually checking his behavior, & he's in this constant state of thinking he's maybe a few bad days away from murdering half the planet and incredibly aware there's not really anything he can do about that aside from constantly worry. he's kind of an anxious mess.

mikey absolutely thinks it's more ethical to murder somebody out of the sheer glee of seeing people crushed before you than murdering somebody for something as tedious as mob orders. you're satisfying a deep, raw desire felt from the heart! that's good!

what he'd like to do, in some sense, is just hang out in his studio and chill with other artists, but he knows the world is not gonna let him do that. things will come up. a lot of his being a creepy bystander thing while people get murdered is b/c he's very much formulated his morality to be like... it is not his responsibility to fix other people's problems. other people will do what they want and that has no bearing on him. is that a pretty cowardly and self-serving morality? sure! but he was kinda designed to rule the world & his flinch away from that pretty much defines him as a character in this. that's kinda the morality he needed to end up on to convince himself not to be a genocide machine.

he's incredibly aware he could basically be a superhero, & all it would take is... giving up on all his hopes and dreams and constantly engage with his abilities. and being a superhero isn't that many steps removed from living up to his full design spec and just taking over the world and ruling as god-emperror. idk how well i hit all those notes in the actual fic, but, that's what i was going for. mikey as the narrator clearly doesn't want to talk or think about it so it's never really directly confronted.

raph is... okay so i guess a fairly common piece of fanon, for rise especially, is to characterise raph as having multiple personalities? whether that's him just having alters or him having full-blown MPD depends on the fic. my fun little nod to that is that he's kind of a disassociative mess. he has kind of failed to reconcile the disparate aspects of his personality and he switches between one of several different facades depending on the situation. also, you know. the trauma.

(i didn't really mean for it to be as such, but there is this theme in the story about names? despite everything else mikey has a crystal-clear self-conception of himself and has one name, which he gave himself. raph, who has kinda failed to build his own personality, has a collection of name other people have given him, none of which he feels actually fits him. donnie has a more fluid self-identity and also has roughly a million aliases and false identities & constantly slips in and out of character when it's convenient. leatherhead still going by the name mikey gave him goes hand-in-hand with that bit where mikey meanly thinks about how maybe leatherhead's entire self-conception is hung up on something mikey said to him once, etc. this is one of those things that i'd go back and make more present if i did go back and clean up the rough draft, b/c as it is it's there, but it doesn't really do a whole lot.)

--

this fic was inspired by... i had read a few big aus that were just like, taking the characters and loose bits of setting and going off in completely different directions. some of NeiNing's aus were a definite influence, plus like, this one au where raph is an ex-con mechanic, etc, etc. just like "i am going to play out a completely unrelated drama using turtles as the dolls". maybe most directly influential was Of Knights and Thieves, where donnie & mikey are corporate espionage hacker/thief types and raph & leo are do-gooder vigilantes. the original concept for this was much more heavily focused on the art forgery. in a very early draft the idea was leo would get involved much more actively in trying to track down the creator of the false takenobus. then i was like, "i am going to crash a completely separate story concept about the dark armor into the side of this art-forgery story". the filename for the story is still 'lol grindr hookup art thief'. that is not really where the story went.

oh man, the art stuff. i made some posts about this at the time! that are now several years old. here's one! i did end up getting a traditional woodcut printing of Tokaido 53 stations, no. 11, Hokone. in a lot of ways doing all the art research was more satisfying and fun than writing the extensive downward spiral that was the latter half of the fic. but, hey, that's life too i guess.

also raph in this is... okay, so, i don't mean this in a mean way. i really liked the fics! but cndrow has written several raph/donnie fics where raph is just like... like a repeated theme in them is raph confessing eternal love & talking about how he's like, mentally planning on them being together forever. on the first date. and sure sure everybody has different tastes; i'm absolutely sure that my interest in guys who are mean leads to some stories that are extremely offputting to some people, etc. but it's like, oh man, raph, please slow your roll a little. if somebody said they were planning our future wedding all of ten minutes into talking to me i would flee the room. & the raph in blinded by the summer sun is very much inspired by that. sadly, i never fully committed to that. originally i even had a line in chapter 9 where slash was like 'please tell me you didn't drop the 'i love you forever' on this guy already' to imply that that was, you know, a theme for raph, but i chickened out and cut it. raph as a kind of rolling series of bad relationships characterized by him falling forever in love w/ his latest crush until the relationship detonates and leaves him not really understanding how things went wrong. but i don't think that's expressed well like, at all. but that ideally should characterize a large part of why he keeps chasing after mikey even well after the point where it would be reasonable to disengage. also to convey some of the downsides of a character believing in true love. it's rough out there in the world.

also thank you tumblr user averyterrible for writing this goncharov post. that was the point in the story where i was like, actually i have been writing raph as way too much of a sad boy. if i want to play in the space of crime drama, there needs to be some crime! he's a yakuza assassin. he needs to chop off somebody's fingers with bolt cutters.

--

to me, the central question in the fic isn't really 'will the mikey/raph relationship work out' or 'will mikey succeed in his plans', it's 'why is mikey doing these things'. & i think the leatherhead chunks in chapter 23 finally give enough context to what's going on with mikey to let people answer that? like oh, mikey is a mess.

(lol the initial setup for the early chapters are supposed to give an audience response of like, "oh no, raph has some dangerous secrets" "oh no, raph is a violent yakuza murderer! i hope mikey is going to be okay interacting with raph" "...oh no, i hope raph is going to be okay interacting with mikey")

a lot of the story really is about how... mikey & raph's relationship is in a lot of ways very adolescent? they have not had a lot of prior experience with healthy relationships, and they're trying, but, uhhhhhhh. mikey likes to act like he's so cool and above-it-all and unaffected by things happening, but that's actually just b/c he doesn't really care about most things. when something happens that he genuinely doesn't like he immediately snaps and has a giant meltdown. (we see this once with raph, when mikey has a panic attack and throws up when raph blows him off wrt warning him of bishop, and once with donny about the armor, where mike immediately starts tantruming and threatening to kill himself. mikey is very bad at resolving conflict. he's kind of a brat, actually.)

like every character in this is in some way their worst self. they're all pretty awful people. but they're all also trying to... grapple with their place in the world and try to be better people. to even figure out what 'better' means. this is a story about how 'being a good person' is a constant struggle, not to 'do the right thing', but to even figure out what's 'right'. it's about picking yourself up again after a bad period and going, well, let's keep going. like mikey has a lot of traits but one that i, the author, actually think is fairly admirable is his ability to get back up and keep going after a really bad period. which is funny b/c characterwise that goes hand-in-hand with his callousness. just shrug off all the misery you caused other people, i guess! see above about positive/negative character traits.

(also uh there's another tmnt fic author whose work has a lot of... a Bad Guy is constructed/identified. then helpless children (or teens!) are rescued from him. then the bad guy is ruthlessly & violently murdered. sometimes onscreen, sometimes offscreen. and then it's nothing but chapter after chapter of people being happy and cutesy to each other. and like, i get it. but the, like, recurring theme there of the Bad Guy having done something fundamentally unforgivable that separates from all understanding & mercy, to which the only justice is a violent death, just strikes me as... simplistic. sometimes people do really awful things and part of grappling with that as an adult with an adult moral conceptualization is realizing that you gotta look past your initial reflex to punishment.

or like, mikey's whole childhood in this really fucked him up but a huge part of his identity is him having to form an identity from that. having to make the determination of which parts of him are 'him' and which parts were done to him. lol @ him aggressively and extensively rejecting everything about what draxum made him to do & then blithely being like 'we were engineered to eat humans anyway' as a defense for all the corpse-eating. mikey you just like eating people & have decided that part does align with your self-identity. mikey would really not appreciate anybody being like 'i'm sorry nobody saved you from that' b/c that (to him) would basically be the same as them saying they thought he was fundamentally, irreparably damaged & was going to be forever incapable of being anything other than what draxum made him to be. he wouldn't take it well.)

uhhh what else. i mean there's a lot. fun fact pretty much every time mikey gets mad at somebody else he's hugely projecting. even his pacifism is like... hmm maybe he should have killed draxum. a lot of his talk @ raph about splinter is secretly mikey relitigating his feelings about draxum. oh what's that mikey you think that splinter is only playing happy family b/c he's immortal and he has infinite time to spend humoring somebody's illusions but that when push comes to shove he'll drop all that? gee i wonder if that might apply to any dynamics in mikey's own life. lol at mikey being like "wow red your life is kind of a fucked-up nightmare of weird psychopaths playing like they're happy family" and then two chapters is like "hey come meet my family. we live in my genocidal dad's bombed-out lab and we're treating him like a weird racist grandpa". i kinda wanted something that would complicate mikey just being like "i am a pacifist now and i don't kill anybody"; mikey that's all well and good but like half his inner tension comes from not being sure if he should've left draxum alive. that's kinda the mirror to him debating whether or not actually killing leatherhead would've been better. (in a few years shelldon is gonna go through a period of not wanting to talk to any of them. mikey & donnie are better parents than draxum but that's such a low bar.)

(likewise at the end when mikey is like "this is raph's healthiest relationship so far!" to leo, like, this is more mikey projecting. really the raph/casey relationship was probably better for raph & casey, idk, who can say. but is mikey's relationship with raph the healthiest romantic interaction he's ever had? yes, absolutely. we don't get to see the mikey/leatherhead relationship really up-close and personal but it should be pretty clear that it was pretty awful for everybody involved. compared to that, the mikey/raph is absolutely mikey's healthiest relationship so far. just. low bars.)

lol i am a little concerned that mikey's tendency to monologue, & especially his whole political monologue near the end, will get people to think he's just acting as an author's soapbox. i mean, okay, the little author's note where i'm like "as always, mikey is a perfect role model and everybody should do what he does" was a fun little joke. but, oof, the number of fics i've read where the authors feel the need to loudly and repeatedly disclaim that This Story Contains Things The Author Does Not Condone In Real Life is pretty disheartening. way to have absolutely no faith in your audience. but likie, the part where mikey is pretty much flat-out like, "actually i think my moral framework is whatever is necessary to justify my actions" is meant to be pretty damning. maybe not of mikey specifically as a character, just of, you know. the whole world where that's a pretty common outlook among people with power.

--

lets talk about the rape. part of it is that it felt like it would be inauthentic to go through the entire story without mikey seriously violating one of raph's boundaries. part of it is that mikey here kinda has the trifecta of ASPD, ADHD, & bipolar, and the thing with that is it's very easy to just say that but a little more difficult to convey the personality traits involved. this isn't really something ever stated as such in the fic, aside from various people calling mikey crazy + raph calls him a sociopath once. it's kind of too didactic to just flatly state "and this is what's wrong with mikey!" imo. but. this is a story about violent people. imo you can't just gesture to a character with the background level of callousness for the genre and go "okay this is a clinical sign"; you kinda gotta do something more direct. 'wow mikey sure is CRAZY and WEIRD good thing it only shows itself as him being slightly mean to people'. no. mikey has done some pretty horrible things in the past and clearly isn't fully done with that.

(i did pretty much go straight down the list of symptoms there. impulsive, suicidal, aggressive, violent, risky sex, arrogant, limited empathy, no regard for other people or social norms, difficulty with relationships, arson, etc, etc, etc. but it's not like he's a 'realistic' portrayal here, since... i mean, he is a super-powered ninja. there's a level of 'superficial charm' here but we do get enough of mikey's interiority to be able to tell he's a total mess in a way that's not particularly constructed.)

also it's like. raph graphically tortures several people to death & i didn't really feel the need to disclaim that here. murder is usually seen as a lesser crime in fiction than rape. people love their violent blorbos but the second there's the implication of sexual violence people freak out. the usual line people say is that the threat of murder is a little more removed for most people than the threat of rape, which idk if i fully agree with. but part of it is also to draw a line between raph's violence and mikey's boundary violation. like mikey says, well, raph tried to non-consensually murder him a few times too.

anyway i don't think i really stuck the landing with that either, in part b/c raph's response to it. he's a little too pathetically accepting of things at the end instead of being angry + violent. that could use a rewrite or two.

--

honestly i'm kinda sick of this story now? which sucks a little, since i kept realizing things about the story all the way up to the very last moment of editing. if i had waited to post any of this until i was done with the first draft... well, it'd be a very different story if i went back and turned this rough draft into something more complete. i never really did manage to hit the character beats with raph i was hoping to. oh well. like, i still like it. but i can definitely see all of its weak points. i guess that's just part of the process of writing. it'd be worse if you wrote a giant novel and came out on the other side not more aware of your failings as an author.

i feel like raph isn't super well-realized in terms of character motivations. or... his relationships aren't shaded in as well as they could be. if i were redoing this whole thing i'd definitely include some chunks of raph pov just to lay out more concretely what he's doing & what his life is like when he's not in the same scene as mikey. i kinda included that raph+donny conversation at the very end just for jokes, but actually ending every chapter with a little section of non-mikey pov would've helped ground a lot of the characters. raph isn't super well-developed and leo is pretty much incoherent absent external familiarity with his character's deal. they're not conveyed super well, in part because, well, any time mikey is onscreen everybody is having to deal with mikey. it's a problem.

but something that absolutely could have worked as a secondary narrative to the story is the whole thing with raph working w/ the oroku. that was a bit of a late addition to the story. it's meant as a reference to, you know, all the times raphael ends up being compared to/assuming the mantle of the shredder in the comics. but as it is since we don't get any real looks into exactly what's going on in yakuza town when mikey's not around none of that got developed very well, imo.

--

it was very important to me that mikey not learn any lesson here. where things are at in the end are pretty much the exact same as where they were in the beginning. the bit in the pizza scene where he's like 'you guys get to live and i get a boyfriend' is very accurate. literally the only change in mikey's life through this entire thing is that at the end he is in a relationship w/ a guy who he can tell some of what his life is like to. not that it's a super healthy relationship, but it is there.

well, that, and also now he's maybe out of time. (uh, so the laughter at the very end of the epilogue is mikey realizing he's out of time. the whole epilogue really is about how he's got all these conflicting tensions of who-knows-what in his life, & then right in the middle of the tension it's like, whoops, the utrom aren't coming in 10 years or 20 years, they're coming now. and in a week you're gonna be getting some really pointed questions about how you know the utrom envoy. and in a few years, well, there's gonna be some planetary evacuation) like the whole story is about... anxiety. mikey feeling the weight of the future on him in every moment. actually seeing things collapse would be a relief; you'd get the release of all the potentiality collapsing into an actual problem. the moral of the story is you get what you get and in the end all mikey's actions, good or bad or otherwise, have bought him is nine more months of ignoring his problems.

anyway sorry to all the tmnt fans who were expecting a happy cheerful mikey/raph story. this is actually about the fundamental injustice of existence. whoops!