#self neglect

[kuro-is-doodlin]

You're... Still... Alive

[Spoiler for in stars and time, up to the end of act 4]

[CW for exhaustion, sui, self harm and self neglect]

This is the continuation of my previous lore post ;)

You wake up.. in a bed?.. oh, so this is the same loop. How weird, to be back at the clocktower. You barely ever go there now. You either slip on that awful banana peel, or just… stab. You couldn’t get yourself to use your dagger in the village before, but now, it doesn’t matter.

Sometimes, your hands shake again, holding your dagger. You see the light hit it, the metal shining, and your face… And you realize just how far down you fell.

Still, you do it, you always do it. Can’t waste time.

You suddenly realize something is heavy on you. You open your eye and try to focus your vision on whatever is crushing your side right now.

It’s Bonnie, they’re on the bed, too, curled against you. Their eyes are closed, but a little darker and swollen.

You blink.

With what’s left of your strength, you raise your hand, and slowly rest it on their hair, brushing them between your fingers. A hand joins in, touching yours ever so slightly. You’re too tired to flinch, but your eye turns to.. Isabeau.. He’s looking at Bonnie, but quickly focus on you, giving you a smile. Not one of those explosive smiles you used to see before, no, this one is.. Sad. So incredibly sad.

With a Soft, but deep voice, he asks.

“How are you feeling, Sif? Do you need me to move Bonbon?”

You blink… And shake your head a little. It’s fine, you can barely feel a thing anyway.

“Okay..”

He sighs. Is he upset at you? For being so useless before the end of the world happens? Maybe.. Maybe he is… You don’t know.. What exactly their personalities are anymore. Isa is… Buff, yeah, you can see that, idiot. But he’s… He is….

He is petting your hair now, looking at you, into your eye.. To make sure you’re comfortable.

That’s right.. He’s kind.. So kind, caring, always here for you. His eyes.. so full of life, of.. love.. How could you even forget that?..

He never told you but.. You know.

You know, oh so well, why he’s always looking at you that way. You.. love that feeling.

“Alright, Siffrin, can you tell us what’s happening to you, please? You look like you’ve just spent a year stuck in a cave.”

It’s Odile.. She’s in your blind spot, you can’t see her. But you know her voice. That’s one thing you think you can remember.

“Three… actually..”

You cough, it’s hard to speak when you don’t do that anymore.

Ah, and here they are, looking at you like you just said the most shocking thing ever. But you don’t want to explain, you can’t explain, you’re tired. “Siffrin…”

You hear Mira, she must be next to Odile, she sounds concerned. Bonnie.. Bonbon is sobbing, they try to make it so you can’t hear them, but you know. You hear. You... feel. It’s warm…

Plic..

Ploc..

On the sheets you’re tucked into.

“There is.. A book.. It’s hidden in my cloak..”

You try your best to be clear, you can feel them getting closer to hear you. Wow, you voice must be sooo fucked up right now.

“Please, don’t wake me up.. You can.. read it.. But please.. Let me rest.”

You see a nod from Isa, hear a faint “hn”. That’s enough for you to close your eye again, as you’re dragged down to sleep once more.

[burningvelvet]

"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin as self-neglecting."

— Shakespeare, Henry V (2.4. 80-81)

[whump-blog]

Prompt 45

From the first day of his rescue, Whumpee had been difficult. He wouldn't talk to anyone, wouldn't come out from under his bed, wouldn't eat, and from the dark circles under his eyes it looked like he wasn't sleeping either.

Many workers at the rescue centre had tried to talk to him, but Whumpee didn't seem to trust anyone except Caretaker. Caretaker was the only person Whumpee talked to, ate or slept with in front of. But, Whumpee was nothing personal to Caretaker, just another rescue. So how, after all the progress Whumpee had made, would Caretaker be able to tell him that he was being transferred to another rehab centre, and they would never see each other again?

[mashriqiyyah]

Your self sabotage and self neglect are one of the biggest signs you're in state of self hatred. You might think that you love yourself apparently. But when you don't do the things you're supposed to do for your betterment...rather...you keep subjecting yourself to stuff that's ruining your physical and mental health... you're basically pulling up the hate on your being. The shame, guilt and sense of inferiority that's hidden in you. Deep down you think you don't deserve good things so you keep plunging into the bare minimum and worse, the evil things. When you know you should sleep enough to heal but you keep staying up late at night dwelling on actions that aren't good for your body and soul. You know you should maintain a diet that can meet the needs of your body but you keep skipping meals or binge eating junk. You know you should limit your screen time, stop scrolling randomly on your apps but you keep wasting time to distract yourself from stuff that's bothering you. You avoid facing your thoughts with conviction and let them wreck havoc in your mind. You allow negative assumptions and patterns to repeat. You don't allow yourself to get up after a relapse thinking you deserve to suffer. You avoid healing. You take care of everything and everyone around you but keep putting your needs aside. You don't rush towards Allah as you should. You think you're far away from Him and not good enough to stand before Him.

You do all of it subconsciously yet in a state of complete persuasion.

~ mashriqiyyah

[fallenwhumpee]

Traitor

• Part 7 • Part 8 • Part 9 • Masterlist •

Warnings: Self neglect (self harm?), accidental hurt, strangling.

Mentor was right. Coming back was a bad idea. Being honest with themselves, at least, it was reasonable to say that being around the team threw them off balance.

It was hard to admit. Hard to admit that they loved, they got attached to the team in the first place.

It was a lot harder to admit that this love was also what harmed Leader the most.

Their deeper than expected talk with Villain was stealing their sleep. There was no peace for their weary mind when they couldn't be sure of anything because—

No, Leader snarled to themselves. They didn't want to think. And the best way to busy their mind with something else was training.

Deep down, they knew this was foolish. They were in no shape to do what they had been doing for their usual training. If anyone else had tried to do this, Leader would be unleashing a very furious Medic onto them. But no one would bother to do that for Leader, and Leader just thought that it didn't matter. It didn't matter as long as it didn't compromise anyone else.

They walked to the training room, getting themselves ready mentally to start warming up. The best choice was the treadmill. They would have control over it, at least, and it gave them a sense of security.

Ignoring the voice whispering then that they weren't supposed to get too comfortable just in case and do their usual routine, they gave into that safe feeling. With their highly altered time perception, they felt the control over something for the first time they could remember.

They started with a calm pace. Their legs ached, but they didn't think about it. Their steps soon started to drum as the machine sped up, surpassing every other thought with a throb like sound. Their panting breaths matched with their chaotic heartbeat, but it didn't take long for them to falter for the first time.

Leader could feel the strain on their body. But they had to continue. Leader couldn't stand to mess up something so easy like that. They weren't even going with a half speed of what they used as warmup.

Leader could do more than that. And with each step they felt like sliding, their thoughts returned. The loudest one was the one that haunted them through their life.

Weak.

It was that treacherous voice again. Repeating it again and again until it gave Leader a maddening passion. But their body got louder from that voice for the first time.

With an uncharacteristic panic, they pulled the safety pin, their knees crumbling. A sudden wave of dizziness swept over, and they lowered themselves to the floor. They stumbled, clutching the side rail for support. Breathing heavily, they pressed a hand to stop the coughs that tried to surface. Their limbs felt like dead weight, unresponsive to the commands of an exhausted mind.

For a while, Leader lay there, defeated. Weak. The exhaustion was not a welcome distraction but a distraction nonetheless, their all energy focused on breathing.

The buzzing of their phone startled Leader. Slowly, they reached for the device, wiping the sweat from their forehead with the back of their hand. It was again an unknown number, and Leader hesitated before answering.

"Mentor," they greeted, trying to pull themself together.

"Leader," Mentor's voice echoed through the empty room, "just wanted to update you on..."

Leader tensed, the simple mention bringing a flood of emotions they would rather ignore. "Go on," they replied despite the knot forming on their throat, their voice betraying none of it.

"They are maintaining their stance, denying any involvement beyond what you've already learned. The agency is pushing for a harsh sentence, but there's something off about the entire situation."

"What do you mean, 'something off'?"

Mentor stopped a little before talking. "We need more information."

Leader hated the vague answer. Clenching their fist, they let out a shaky breath. They weren't in a position demand more than what was given. "Keep me in the loop."

"You will get involved regardless of your wishes," Mentor said with a guilty tone. "I need your and your team's testimony. You should come to the HQ for it."

"Don't involve the team. They had seen Doctor only when my team's one, Medic, was not enough. Some of them probably don't even remember seeing their faces, but I will be there." Leader almost snarled. Their last wish was tangling their team into this.

"If you say so," Mentor probably bit back another answer. Leader doubted their word was still enough for the agency.

"Are you still resting in bed? You sound... distant," Mentor murmured. Leader must have acted a little too harsh about all the matter with conscience if Mentor was talking so hesitantly to them.

With the guilt, Leader couldn't bring themselves to lie outright. "Recovering," they evaded, their eyes wandering around the room.

"Don't lie. Whatever you were doing, I doubt it is more important than your health."

Leader jumped to their feet when a sudden noise from the corridor made them jump. A metallic clatter echoed, cutting through the conversation.

"What was that?"

Leader, on edge, replied, "I'll call you back," and hung up abruptly. The sense of urgency overcame them as they stumbled to their feet, driven by an instinct they couldn't stop.

They rounded the corner of the corridor, ready to confront the intruder. In the next turn, they spotted a shadowy figure and locked onto it.

Without hesitation, Leader attacked, shadows dancing around their vision as they throttled the shadow.

It struggled to defend against Leader's assault. The shadows seemed to amplify Leader's movements, making them more aggressive. Leader's hands tightened around. Despite the strength they first lunged with, Leader's breaths became strained, their movements losing strength.

It was at that moment recognition flickered in Leader's mind. Their grip faltered, and they quickly got back to their feet.

"Don't sneak up on people like that," Leader muttered. They didn't want to admit that they had just jumped on a prey like an animal.

Right Hand, catching their breath, leaned back to the wall. "I didn't think you'd react like that. Are you okay?"

Leader was supposed to ask that. They had just strangled one of their own. "Just go back to bed, Right Hand. It's late."

Right Hand hesitated. "Just what were you doing here anyway?"

It was a lot easier to lie to Right Hand. "I forgot my phone."

Right Hand didn't look like they believed it, but at least they didn't dig further.

-•-

Thank you to dear :D anon for proofreading.

[bread-tab]

must convince the foolish adhd brain that "work on weekdays, self care (eg sleep, eat) on weekends" is not a viable routine

[ayyy-imma-ninja]

I have a few questions about Fairy Sun & Moon.

Why does Moon feel the need to be the strong/protective brother when Sun is the older one? If Sun is always trying to make sure Moon is taken care of when he’s hurt or sick, when did Moon feel like he had to reject the help? Or had he always thought he had to be the strong one?

Age is just a number and doesn't always account for experience or roles in a family. So just because Sun is "technically" the older twin, doesn't mean he is the sole protector. They are both learning to protect each other, equally.

Moon does need to be reminded at times that it's okay to ask for help.

When he and Sun met for the very first time, feeling that brotherly hug, he instantly wanted to keep Sun safe, to protect his brother's happiness and to continue feeling that love.

Which of course develops his unhealthy habits of neglecting himself.

[pixiedoll2]

Tw/self hate ,bad self talk ,self neglect, self punishment/self harm behaviors

I loathe myself so much that even when I'm sick with a cold or something I refuse to take medicine for it or rest

I tell myself "It's just a cold ,it's not that bad "

" it's not bad enough to take medicine yet "

" you're overreacting, you don't have a bad fever or the flu ...stop being weak "

" you don't deserve to take medication ,you deserve to be miserable. "

I don't know why I do it ...why I put myself through such physical stress for no reason when I could just take some medicine and I won't feel bad anymore

It's like I punish myself for existing .. every chance I get .

I'll ignore and dismiss any type of discomfort or pain I have..no matter if it's emotional or physical.....

I feel like it might be a symptom of my trauma but I'm not sure tho .....I don't know what's the benefit of doing this is...I don't know what I'm looking for to happen by doing this .....but I do it every time I'm sick ...sometimes I do it when I have headaches or menstrual cramps too ......

Maybe I just believe I deserve to suffer somehow .....I don't know why tho maybe there's something wrong with me .

[phoebeismebee]

Overcoming Self-neglect

Sometimes the feelings I have are overwhelming, like I've come home from a long trip, and the person who was supposed to take care of the house ran off several years ago - the pipes are frozen, the furnace hardly works, half of the light bulbs are dead, things are scattered in random positions, and there's dust everywhere. It's frustrating and the issues seem to keep popping up, but even still - it's home.

[kajilychnis]

家に帰って

[kuro-is-doodlin]

Still alive

[Spoiler for in stars and time, up to the end of act 4] [CW for exhaustion and self neglect]

Loop 1030

Today, you got up.

 It was hard, but you managed to stumble back into Dormont. People are looking at you weird from far away, But you can’t hear any sound, you can’t even hear the fishing one giggle.

 You probably look miserable.

Is it because of your uncertain steps? The way you swing from side to side, as if you’re almost falling every time? Or maybe it’s the light in your eyes. The one that disappeared a long time ago. That hope you gave up on. It's all a waste of time..

Time..

You have more than enough of it, and yet, it’s almost as if you’re running out.. …

A voice wakes you up from your thinking. Mira is screaming your name, she’s_.. crying…

Why is she so tall?.. Has she always been that much taller than you? That’s weird.

…

..oh.

You collapsed, that’s why.

She’s screaming for help, trying to make you react. You can feel her warm tears fall on your face.

You flinch.

The following events are a little fuzzy, you can’t hear or really see much of it, your body is so heavy. But you think you recognize Isa’s voice, and.. His arms, around you, as he picks you up gently. It’s nice.. It’s.. comforting.

You can’t help but drift off into a dreamless slumber.

[rubberduckyrye]

Lately I've regressed back into bad habits--namely, self neglect.

Not taking my meds, not showering, not brushing my teeth, barely doing more than eating and sleeping... man, I hate the fact that my self harm of choice is so easy to slip back into without even realizing it.

I going to make an effort to try to take my meds daily again. Even set an alarm for everything that's not stimulant related so I can take my meds even if I'm in a horrible sleeping cycle for it.

Tomorrow I'm asking my doctors what dose of Folic Acid I need to be taking to counteract my gene that doesn't allow me to digest folic acid well enough to gain anything from it, so hopefully that helps my energy levels.

Sometime relapses like these happen and that's okay. I just got to start off small and work my way back up to functional again. Or at least, taking care of myself.

[lady-laureline]

You know what.

Negative emotions are a valuable resource and we are silly for treating them as obstacles. They are tools for not only navigating the social landscape, but for learning to read one's own bodily compass, something we're collectively quite bad at.

Say you've been having an okay day, and then, in some quiet moment, you feel a little sad for no reason. Many of us would be inclined to then feel annoyed - the day could have been unmarred by this random sadness and would have therefore been a success! A success of a day, without sadness. Because negative emotion is failure? Why?

I'm pretty sure that all emotions are felt for a reason. We don't have to know what the reason is, nor does it have to be a good reason, but there is always one present. We habitually disregard little nudges of discontent that seem irrelevant to the task at hand, and are therefore habitually unaware of where they come from. And you might not think that there is much use in recognising that you felt a little sad because you were looking forward to having a snack that ended up being out of stock.

× however ×

I implore you to think about it. Ignoring a message that needs to be heard (and you don't get to decide if it does) is likely to prompt repeated attempts, quite possibly growing out of proportion. So allow that sadness, sit with it a little bit, then let it go. You'll learn about opinions you never knew you had, boundaries you didn't realise were being crossed. This isn't always fun, but it sure beats living on the glossy surface of directionless resentment.**

Categorising emotions into "valid" and "invalid" stems from our very human forever-quest for optimisation. Eliminating threats to our productivity so we don't decrease in value. We live in a society; my point is that disregarding the messages your body is sending you is a form of self-neglect. It's not that you are entitled to your snack, but you are most certainly allowed to feel a little sad about not getting it. Because guess what - when you acknowledge what you're already feeling, that sadness doesn't need to stick around. It got its recognition and can therefore make space for the other stuff.

There is, after all, more.*

×××

*This should work for heavier feelings as well as the little ones, though chances are those won't be digested in one sitting; nor can you move past your reaction to something you keep getting exposed to.

**do I have a bone to pick why yes I do

[anthropologistfromentropy]

I'm very grateful I have never become an alcoholic or drug addict like a bunch of my relatives. But I have to admit I'm definitely escaping my life and my body into stories, intellectual pursuits and just mindless scrolling, to an unhealthy degree.

I'm neglecting my basic needs, and it's holding me back, making me less productive. In general disconnected from my body, though at least not as badly as I used to. I think I'm pretty "social engagement and investigating my environment" oriented nowadays, rather than stuck in a Freeze trauma response.

I want to take better care of myself. Just not sure how to actually successfully do it.

Part of the problem is ADHD/autistic hyperfocus, which my meds only worsens. Also my brain being conditioned to be disconnected from my body through years of trauma. Probably gender dysphoria too. And probably schizoid/schizotypal traits (though that's mostly trauma stuff too).

I have tried phone alarms and they help some, but I ignore them a lot too. Especially showering, brushing teeth and exercise I procrastinate/avoid a lot. Lately struggling more with going to sleep at a reasonable time, again.

[fallenwhumpee]

I'm starting to realize I'm a person of the classics lmao. How about some good ol overworked whumpee doesn't think they're doing enough?

:D anon

Hello! I hope you're doing well, dear anon <3 and i love classics too. I'm sorry for the short piece, though. I'm bad at writing comfort despite loving it. Please enjoy.

Now.

• Masterlist •

Warnings: Exhaustion, self neglect.

Whumpee swayed on their feet, almost missing the chair as they collapsed onto it. They were already behind their agenda, and they couldn't afford some sleep if they wanted to get the piles of work done before the sun went down.

None of it was due tomorrow, not even for that week, but the part Whumpee had to do was essential, and it was nothing compared to what their team was doing.

Whumpee closed their eyes, letting the exhaustion wash over themselves for a moment. They let out a shuddered breath to collect themselves, clenching their fist around the pen. They hated working at night.

And they hated how exhausted they felt even though they didn't start anything. They hated just how easily they got tired.

Whumpee hadn't been sleeping well. They drank too much coffee to be able to sit still or lay down, but their mind was too worn down to catch up with their body. They knew they weren't going to get much done at that state, but they had to finish half of it if they were going to claim that they had worked.

They had already taken enough leave that month. The bug Caretaker brought in had wrecked everyone— Whumpee didn't want to make it sound bad, but everyone already joked about the role reversal between Caretaker and Whumpee. At least until it spred all of them, putting the team out of commission for two week.

Whumpee yawned, sweet sleep tempting them to put their head down and close their eyes just a little. They could just sleep there, and no one would disturb them. That was what Whumpee wanted to avoid. All the coddling and tolerance were unbearable.

They suddenly stopped leaning on their fist, getting into the most uncomfortable position with one of their knees leaning to the desk, the thin edge making their leg hurt a little. Despite the discomfort, it helped them to stay alert.

As time passed, Whumpee realised that they had started to read the paragraphs twice— even thrice. And it didn't take long for that length to shorten from paragraphs to sentences, their eyes barely able to see through the blurry lines.

They tried to keep their attention on their work, but they were failing it miserably, and it fueled their frustration, causing the sentences to slip from the grasp of their understanding.

"Done," Leader slammed their hand to the paper in front of Whumpee.

"Excuse me?" Whumpee flinched, sleep still making their head fuzzy. When did Leader got in?

"You," Leader breathed out, "are done with working."

Whumpee opened their mouth to protest.

"I said you're done. You're basically dead on your feet. Or sitting. While doing whatever you're trying to do."

"I'll live. And I'm almost done with my work, too," Whumpee returned, their eyes throbbing with the new place to focus.

"You're done now." Leader ordered. "Or would you rather want me to call Caretaker? I'm sure I can survive one of their lectures if it means you're going to get some rest."

"Who's calling me for what?"

Whumpee swore. This was the worst timing possible. And how did they keep not noticing the people coming in?

"I was saying, Whumpee, you're incapable of this with how weak you are. I'm sure Caretaker would like to take you to your room."

"They're not weak!" Caretaker almost shouted. But it lost its effect as Caretaker yawned.

Whumpee had just noticed that it was already past midnight, and they had likely woken up Caretaker with all of the noise. Caretaker looked a little embarrassed before they schooled their expression to angry and serious.

Whumpee didn't know the reasoning behind the sudden shift on Leader's tone, but they would be lying if they said they didn't enjoy the protective look on Caretaker's face.

Caretaker eyed them for a moment, sighing quietly.

"What about you just give them a break? I'm sure it's not something a sleep can't fix, right? Whumpee?"

Whumpee blinked— they had missed the question.

"Y-yeah," they stuttered, Caretaker smiling them with the response.

"See? We'll be on our way. And I can handle Whumpee's work later."

"Don't bother," Leader waved their hand. "It's urgent, so I'll do it. Make sure they don't come like a zombie next time. And if you can, keep them away in my working hours."

With no way out, Whumpee walked as Caretaker pushed them to their room, hands firm on their arm.

"So rude," Caretaker scoffed once they got into Whumpee's dark room. "I will show them who's weak—"

"Caretaker," Whumpee warned, their voice not so effective.

"Don't Caretaker me! You're just as guilty as them. And they have no right to make you work like that."

"Caretaker," they warned again.

Caretaker grumbled, but waited as Whumpee changed into comfortable clothes, glaring them to get into the bed.

"Caretaker," Whumpee muttered this time, hesitant. They sounded tired even to themselves. The warm covers were weighting heavily on their body, their eyes closing slowly.

Caretaker's expression eased.

"Stay?"

Caretaker smiled.

"Of course."

[cerebraldischarge]

If you're female-passing, and live in Europe (like me), or are otherwise barred from effective self-defense, the are multiple strategies that have the best chance to be effective if used in combination.

One of my favorites is weaponized self-neglect. People think that when some women started to stop starving themselves, shaving their legs, wearing skirts and makeup, and even started having short hair, that was some sort of attention-seeking defiance of "beauty standards" or a sociosexual revolutionary act.

Nah, fam. It's not that I don't need to be pretty/cute/beautiful to value myself (although that is usually a prerequisite to using this strategy), it's that being pretty/cute/beautiful would put my physical safety in danger, and I don't want that. This approach also saves energy for the more important stuff in life. It's only a first line of defense, though, not a guarantee that no man will approach you with ill intent. But it decreases the likelihood.