#self loathing just has a tendency to hurt the people around you

[sibillascribbles08]

Finally got past this point in the main fic so have some more What If. This is going to be much more upsetting than it is in the OG storyline aslkdjf

@thelamebat

Everything moved way too fast.

Donatello couldn’t get a grip. Not on his surroundings, his vision, his hearing, or even his sense of smell. Images and sounds flashed by him so fast. In a weird way he could comprehend it, and in others it made him feel sick. He wanted to puke. Maybe he did.

He could tell he wasn’t actually anchored in anything that was happening, but still couldn’t see beyond it.

His father. His siblings. The first car he built. His first laptop. The time they snuck out of the lair. The time they met April. Their first lair games that cemented his fear of beach balls.

The first trip to the Hidden City. Going out night after night trying to be heroes. Dark Armor. Shredder. Draxum.

The Kraang.

He felt the scream that tore from his throat as he felt the sensation of being ripped out of the ship. Then--

“Leo.” He shouted. “Leo. Leo!”

“Donnie, I’m here.” A voice interrupted. Just where was it coming from? “I’m right here.”

Someone held his face. The familiar sensation finally ripped away the images rushing through his vision, but he still couldn’t see clearly. Everything seemed blurry, faint, like looking in a dream.

Still, he recognized that shade of blue, the red underneath it.

“Leo?” He kept blinking, trying to get his vision to focus but the memories started rushing in again. That’s what they were, right? “What’s going on?”

“Just breathe, Donnie.” Mikey spoke from... somewhere. “Your memories are trying to catch up.”

Of course they were. But why?

He’d probably know the answer to that soon enough.

Big Mama. The Battle Nexus. Becoming Champion. Keeping secrets.

Holly Blue.

The business proposal. The Lab. The tech. The threat letters. His dart gun. His accusation.

Her hand gently patting him on the head.

Varii.

Remembering the eel’s name snapped the final pieces into place.

He sat up straight, his vision finally shifting back to normal. Leo still sat in front of him with the rest of his siblings and father nearby. They were all on the floor inside some kind of... well he couldn’t figure out what it was. A lab? It looked like they built it out in the middle of the woods.

Closer to the door was Draxum, with April and both Casey’s by his side.

Donatello glanced at all their faces before looking down at his hands, then his arms, then his shoulders. It looked just like how he remembered it. But...

“I got de-mutated.” He mumbled.

“Y-yeah.” Raph kept pressing his fingers together. “B-but it’s fine. We got you back. You do uh, remember everything, right?”

Donatello nodded, but even with the rush of memories gone he still felt numb, lost, trying to pick through all the information he’d been hit with. “Is... is Varii still in my lab? How long have I even been gone?”

“Two weeks.” Draxum stated flatly. “Just about. There’s a lot to catch up on.”

Still, he didn’t continue that statement. Donatello took a second to do some math. If Varii attacked them then, then today’s date was--

“Oh.” Donatello looked directly at Leo, who was failing to keep the tears from spilling out of his eyes. “Leo I’m--”

His twin suddenly hugged him, tighter than he had in years. “Don’t. Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“But... our birthday--”

“It’s fine.” Leo leaned back to show off his half forced smile. “It’s fine because you’re back now. We can celebrate it later. Okay?”

Donatello was barely convinced that it was “fine,” as his brother put it, but he nodded anyway. Leo pulled him back into a hug, and within seconds the rest of his family joined in. He still felt pretty overwhelmed, and now a bit suffocated, but he let it happen. For their sakes.

He let his mind wander while he was buried under all the contact. His first thought was about his mask. Then his goggles. Then what this sorry excuse for a lab was.

Then--

“Wait,” he spoke loud enough to be heard through the pile his family created. “Where’s Holly Blue?”

-------------------------------

Holly Blue hadn’t gone to the lab.

She stayed in the cabin, in the spare room, staring out the window.

For one, she wasn’t sure she could stomach seeing what happened to Donatello last time, just in reverse, all over again.

For another, his entire family insisted on at least being nearby, so no doubt the room would be crowded enough as is assuming everything worked.

If everything worked...

No. She couldn’t think on it. It would be what it would be, nothing more and nothing less. And if it turned out they couldn’t get Donatello back then she would just--

A set of footsteps rushed through the hall. Her antenna twitched, unable to pick up a specific scent among the smoke she left in the air. She should have opened the window.

Then someone appeared in the doorway. At first she didn’t even recognize him. Without his goggles, purple mask, or his father’s eyebrows his face looked completely different. The blanket wrapped around his shoulders hid his markings as well.

But, after a few seconds of staring, she recognized the expression on his face.

“Donatello.” She wanted to rush over to him, cradle his face in her hands and whisper a thousand apologies, but she didn’t move. The direct contact would just upset him anyway. “It’s good to see you again.” A far too simple way of putting it, but it was all she could manage.

His shocked expression shifted to confusion. He stepped into the room, slowly, clutching his blanket tighter. “Yeah...” He kept walking forward, only stopping when he stood a few feet away. “You... weren’t in the lab.”

Her antenna twitched. “No. With the rest of your family there I thought it’d be too crowded.”

He continued to stare, eyes moving only ever so slightly as he studied her face. “Tell me the real reason.”

Holly hated herself for flinching. “I... don’t know what you mean.”

“They already caught me up on everything.” Donatello shifted the blanket further up on his shoulders. “About my lab, Varii, Shelldon, the drones, the city, and how you avoid them as much as possible.”

“Things have been tense since you...” She reached up to run her hand along her antenna, trying to rid herself of the phantom smell of acid. “I did not wish to make things more awkward.”

“Did they blame you for this?”

“Some did. They tried to apologize for it later, but there was no need.” She scoffed and let go of her antenna. “They were right.”

Now Donatello looked flat out horrified, his eyes shifting between shock and anger. “No. It’s not your fault. How could it possibly be your fault?”

Holly rolled her eyes. Was she really going to have this conversation all over again? “Varii was my client. I let him right into your lab not once but twice. In all my experience in the city, I should have been more cautious about what clients I brought to you.”

“He was lying to both of us. There’s no way you could have--”

“I should have been more cautious.” She emphasized, raising her wings. “Especially when I was receiving threat letters. I should have... I should have made you leave the city.”

“What?”

“Of course you would have been a target. It was naive of me to think that just because I was the only one getting threats that they wouldn’t go after you. You’re a scientist. You’re the one best equipped to counter them. I should have realized you’d be their number one target. When I showed you what I know I should have told you to leave.”

“No.” Donatello glared at her. “No. I told you back then that you’re my friend. I wouldn’t have just left you there to deal with that by yourself.”

“And what good did staying do? Varii kept all the suspicion off him. Investigating didn’t give us a single clue and, I assume, lead to your dart gun being discovered and stolen.” He never actually had the chance to tell her how that all happened, but it was an easy assumption to make when Varii pulled it out. “If you hadn’t been there Varii couldn’t have gotten that tech from you. His plans would have been delayed, at worst, or put to a halt at best.”

“Stop.”

She wouldn’t. She was sick of all the arguments about this. “You would have been better off staying on the surface until--”

“Stop!” Donatello shouted at her, at a volume she’d never heard before. “Stop. Just stop. I’m not--” His voice sputtered, tears forming in his eyes. “I’m not a liability.”

Holly Blue flinched, her wings going down. What? No. That wasn’t what she was trying to say.

“I’m not...” His gaze darted around before it settled on the floor, his shoulders dropping. “No, maybe you’re right. I spent all that time standing at the top of the Battle Nexus only to get taken out in a matter of minutes by a stupid eel and some stupid lightning. My tech was useless. My magic was useless. I lost Shelldon and then failed to block a single dart.”

No. That wasn’t what she meant. “Donatello.”

“But,” his gaze moved back to her, a tear finally rolling down his cheek. “Even if that’s the case, I still couldn’t have just left you there. Even if I was worthless, I couldn’t--”

“You’re not worthless.” Holly Blue snapped. “That wasn’t what I meant. It’s the exact opposite. You’re too important. You should have been somewhere safer.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Your magic.” She pointed to him. “Is the only thing that could eventually counter Varii’s. Your ability to hack tech could develop to be the perfect way to fight back. You... I should have been faster. I should have taken that hit.”

“Don’t say that!” He was shouting all over again. “As if that would have been any better.”

“If I had gone down instead, you and your siblings could have easily stopped Varii by now. Instead there’s a whole invasion happening in New York.”

“So what? You still would have been...”

“And why does that matter?”

Donatello flinched before he glared. “Because I care about you!”

Holly Blue opened her mandibles, but failed to think of something to say in response to that. In some ways the statement was so obvious, but it still took her off guard.

“I hate this.” He muttered, finally wiping at his eyes. “Why are we even arguing?”

Why were they? Because she was so desperate to take on the blame for this whole mess and Donatello wouldn’t let her? She’d call it foolish, but here she was scolding him for trying to do the same thing. Hypocritical, at the very least.

“We can’t change what happened.” His voice slipped back to his monotone. “All we can do is reconfigure and find a way to stop Varii. Does it even matter who’s fault it is? It’s his fault.” He narrowed his eyes. “He’s the one causing all of this.”

Holly Blue sighed, crossing both pairs of her arms. “You’re right.”

“And after we stop him don’t...” He kept trying to meet her gaze, only to turn away. “Please don’t kick me out for some dumb reason like trying to keep me safe. I don’t care how dangerous it is.” Finally he focused his stare on her. “I don’t want to give up the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Her wings fluttered but she forced them to go still. “Donatello, if you wanted to keep making tech for the hidden city you could easily--”

He groaned. “No. Not that. You.”

Holly Blue couldn’t disguise the confusion on her face. “I don’t...”

“Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean.” He was glaring, but his expression looked far more akin to a childish pout. “Even if I could make it selling tech down there by myself I wouldn’t want to. Working with you is what makes it fun, and I’m not giving it up. And if you kick me out I’ll just come back.”

Holly Blue sighed, her eyes squinting just a bit into a smile.

So stubborn. Just like his father.

“True, you would, wouldn’t you.” She held up her cigarette holder, tapping it against her mandibles. “I can picture you now, trying to climb through one of the windows like a cockroach.”

He made a disgusted face at her. “Is that supposed to be a joke?”

“Yes, perhaps I have bad timing.” She reached out to pat him on the head, but went still when she remembered he wasn’t wearing her mask. Maybe she should go for his shoulder instead?

Didn’t matter. To her surprise, Donatello reached up to grab her hovering hand and press it to his cheek. His eyes squinted shut, clearly not enjoying the sensation, but he refused to let go.

“Donatello, you don’t have to--”

“It’s fine.”

“I know the sensation bothers you.”

“So what if it does?” He opened one eye to look at her. “Sometimes there’s more important things.”

Her wings fluttered again as she hummed. “It’s appreciated, but don’t overdo it.”

At least he listened to that, letting go of her hand so she could pull it back. She watched him rub his face a few times with both hands.

“Where is your mask?” She asked. “You look so strange without your father’s eyebrows.”

His eyes went wide. “Huh?”

“Am I wrong? The ones you draw on your mask look so much like Lou Jitsu’s.”

“I mean, they were inspired by him.” His voice shifted to a mumble. “But I didn’t think it was that recognizable.”

“To be fair, he’s one of the few humans I interacted with, so I don’t have a lot of reference material.” She considered it a bad idea, but still reached out to tap him on the nose. “Just one of your many shared traits I suppose.”

“Shared what now?” He narrowed his eyes at her. “I’m nothing like my dad.”

Holly Blue snorted before covering her mouth and smothering her laughter. “You think so?”

“What possible shared traits?”

“You should go find your mask.”

“Holly...”

“Go on.”

“No. No no no.” He kept holding the blanket as he waved his arms up and down, making it flap like a pair of wings. “You are not escaping this conversation.”

She couldn’t manage to hide her laughter this time. Once again, she wished she had the ability to cry, even if this time it was for more of a joyful reason.

She was so glad to have him back.

[chevroletdean]

mirror sex [dean winchester] ── ✮⋆˙

kinktober 2024

ship: dean x afab!fem!reader genre: smut, angst to note/warnings: explicit – minors dni, established relationship, hunt almost gone wrong, canon-level violence, patching/stitching up wounds, dean’s self loathing tendencies, hurt/comfort, little bit of praise kink, fingering, porn with plot word count: 3.6k a/n: three days until halloween and i feel like i’m way behind on kinktober. i might just try to get to some of these during november as well, my apologies. also, the cat’s out of the bag: i’m a sucker for angst. i’m curious what you guys enjoy to read/write the most, are you more into fluff, smut, or angst?

Dean’s harsh on himself. Always. You knew that even before you started dating him. It’s how he grew up, after all. From a young age it’s been drilled into him by John; that he has to be tough and strong, that he isn’t allowed to think before he acts, that certain things have to be done – even when these things are ugly. Even when they turn other things ugly. Things like the sight of his hands afterwards. Things like his whole reflection, honestly.

It’s days like these where he enters autopilot, in a poor attempt of resorting to a self-defense mechanism. He can’t stand the reflection in the mirror, so he simply doesn’t look. He wouldn’t like what he sees, so he avoids it altogether, if he can.

Saving people, hunting things, the family business – killing monsters always sounds so heroic until you realize your decisions are cut-and-dry to the cruelest degree, until the soap can only scrub clean the red from your hands but not the guilt that still sticks to your skin, and until you begin to wonder who the actual monster is.

Dean’s harsh on himself in that he blames himself for everything. It’s all his responsibility, the weight of the world always on his shoulders.

Hunts go wrong. It’s part of the job, but that thought isn’t as comforting as it should be, because it doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t take away any of the gravity.

Dean and you had been tracking down this pack of aggressive werewolves. The job had sounded so easy, everything had been so straight-forward. Until you two realized that the town’s sheriff was in on it, and ultimately, so was his son. Partially, at least. Just a kid, barely twenty-one – about the age when Sam hit the library, when he should’ve hit on cute girls on campus, around the age of frat parties with beer-pong cups and hangovers.

A guy who had his whole life ahead of him, but had it snuffed out by a silver bullet to his chest. (or rather, by Dean’s finger pulling that trigger, if you’d ask Dean how it went down, because he sees no point in distancing himself from the narrative when it was his doing). Not because that kid wanted any of it. Hell, as Dean and you had been investigating the case, you came to realize all that boy wanted was a peaceful life. And you knew it was possible, some werewolves were able to build up normalcy without killing anybody, picket-fence and all, more so than your average hunter, sometimes.

But you had shot the sheriff, given that he’d been systematically kidnapping his victims throughout the years. And upon witnessing the silver piercing through his father’s chest, the student went downright feral. He attacked you and jumping you, going for a bite that never landed, was the last thing he ever did.

“You had to shoot him,” you told Dean in the car, just like he predicted you would.

“I know,” came Dean’s reply and those were the only words during the whole ride, just like you predicted they’d be.

Even upon arrival back at the bunker, he remains silent. The loudest noises are just his footsteps, which are heavier than usual as he drags you to your shared room, and ultimately the slam of the bathroom door that he shuts behind the two of you.

“Sit,” he says, voice laced with anger that you know he only directs at himself, and nudges you to the edge of the bathtub. You know better than to argue with him and despite the fact that there’s a nasty gash on his shoulder, you let him clean the minor scratch above your eyebrow first. You must’ve hit your head back when the werewolf slammed you against a shelf, but you’ve definitely had worse. But Dean puts others before himself and your wellbeing is always his priority.

Yet, his ministrations aren’t exactly gentle. He dabs the rubbing alcohol to your cut brow without any regard for the way you wince slightly. His eyes don’t meet yours as he shoves his hand into the cupboard and impatiently fishes for bandages. His jaw is clenched tightly as he patches you up with a bandaid.

He’s in his own head, clearly – or trying to keep those spiraling thoughts at bay within his self-critical mind. Those what ifs and should’ve dones would kill him otherwise.

You can only watch as he straightens his back, turns around, takes a step towards the sink opposite to the bathtub, slams the cabinet shut again, and keeps his gaze purposefully low. His eyes remain glued to his hands as he washes them, as if he doesn’t dare to lift his chin.

“Let me help you with your shoulder,” you mumble softly and he almost can’t hear you over the running water and the running thoughts. It’s your gentle touch that makes him snap out of it, but even as he raises his head at last, his eyes only land on the reflection of you. Your face peeks out over his shoulder, one of your arms wrapped around his middle, the other hand ghosting over his blood-soaked sleeve.

“No need, ‘m fine,” he grumbles, stubborn as ever. But as he turns off the faucet, the movement reminds him of the sharp ache and the dull throb in his arm. Just the graze of the sheriff’s bullet. He knows he got lucky, but he also can’t bring himself to care about any of that with every other dreadful aspect of today.

“A couple of inches away from death doesn’t fit my definition of fine, Dean.”

He can’t argue with that, it would be hypocritical. A droplet of blood on your forehead is enough to make him worry and who is he to deny you your concerns when he’s been injured too? Besides, he knows you can see right through him. Physical injuries are one thing, but the emotional damage often runs deeper than any blade or gun could.

Though his muscles are stiff, Dean doesn’t resist as you slowly peel off his flannel. His eyes are still fixated on you. He can’t bring himself to look at the wound himself, much less let his gaze drift anywhere close to his own reflection right now.

Your movements are mesmerizing enough to keep him distracted anyway.

You reach around him to turn the faucet back on and you grab a washcloth. You tie your messy hair back and out of the way and you carefully roll up the short sleeve of his shirt. You dampen the cloth and wipe the blood from his arm. Once you disinfect the wound, he ultimately looks away. Not because of the sting of the rubbing alcohol, but because of the pain he recognizes in your eyes. Your brows knit together and you frown slightly, sighing to yourself.

He can’t bear watching you pity or fuss over him when part of him feels like he deserves this.

“C’mon, ’s not even that bad, sweetheart,” he grumbles, but his voice is strained.

Your movements come to a halt as you blink up at the mirror, expecting to see his green eyes look back at you through the reflection. But Dean’s head hangs low again and his hands grip onto the edge of the sink he’s staring into.

“I’m glad it’s not,” you hum, but you still grab ahold of his hands and pull him away from the sink. “Sit.”

When you say that word, it sounds a thousand times softer than when he did. You know he hadn’t huffed it at you earlier, but rather didn’t bother concealing his bad mood. Still, his annoyances aren’t directed at you, so he makes an effort to pull you closer gently, in apologetic fashion. His hands settle on your hips as he sits down on the edge of the tub. You’re standing between his legs, surgical thread and needle in your hand.

“Lift your arms f’me, babe?”

When Dean follows your instructions without a witty remark about how eager you are to get him to strip, you know the self loathing is bad. You help him peel off his shirt, tossing it straight into the laundry basket. Luckily there aren’t any other major injuries, though you suspect a couple of bruises will bloom by tomorrow.

His hands go back to your hips, as if he’s able to steady and ground himself by holding you, to which you have no complaints. As long as he’ll let you stitch him up, you even let his bolder touches slide. You’re so focused on closing up the wound that you barely react to his fingers curling around the back of your thighs.

With this position, Dean’s practically forced to face the mirror again. It’s right behind you and with the way you’re half bent over, leaning down to his arm, the view is without obstruction. But his attention is fixated on the jeans-cladded plush in his palms. His hands wander higher, fingers splaying out over your curves. He gives your ass a gentle squeeze to which your breath hitches.

“Careful, unless you want to end up looking like Frankenstein’s monster,” you chuckle playfully, relieved that he’s in high enough spirits for teasing touches.

“Since when are you not into the scarred badass guys?”

“Touché,” you smile in response, “Although I prefer them in a confident mood.”

He groans, knowing where this is going, but he decides to play along. “What d’ya mean?”

Your smile curls into a smug grin as you shrug. “I mean,” you sigh and finish the last stitch, securing the thread into a knot and setting the needle aside. “Scarred, badass guys are even hotter when they know that they’re strong,” you continue, before you plant a kiss to his forehead, “that they’re brave…” Another kiss, to his nose this time.

A quiet growl escapes him as he instinctively tightens his grip on your ass. You know he doesn’t fully believe your words, but you’re adamant about convincing him, so you continue with your list: “…heroic.” More kisses, this time a chaste one directly to his lips, though Dean scoffs and pulls away almost immediately.

“Yeah, right,” he scowls. “Nothing screams hero more than murdering someone.”

“You saved me tonight,” you argue back, whilst gently cupping his face. “You’re definitely my hero.”

His gaze wanders from your lips up to your eyes, seeing nothing but gratitude and adoration in them. Both of which he feels undeserving of. Dean Winchester isn’t half the hero you think he is, he’s all kinds of screwed and his fucked up life consists of violence and regret most of the time. Yet you always look at him as if there’s something worth looking at. Even when he can’t see it himself.

“Just doing my job,” he replies and his voice feels thick and wrong on his own tongue.

“No,” you huff, your thumbs tracing the sharp edge of his jaw, the scruff grazing against the pads of your fingers. “It’s not your job to look after me, or to fight evil. But you’re damn good at it and you do it to make the world a better place. Just like you did today.”

He raises a skeptical eyebrow at your words, since he’s not exactly sure how shortening the lifespan of a young man can possibly add any plus points to his karma. But he understands where you’re coming from, even if he can’t accept it fully just yet. He doesn’t regret pulling the trigger either, he’d do it again – in a heartbeat – if it meant keeping you alive. In that regard, what he did was the right thing, but that didn’t mean it was an easy thing.

“You did what you had to do, babe,” you sigh, tilting his face up a little again before he could avert his gaze once more.

You’d tell him that he shouldn’t beat himself up over it, but that would be like talking to a wall. Your reasoning tends to reach him better than the loving reassurances, even though you both know you’re right. Maybe that boy didn’t deserve to die, werewolf or not, but in that moment it was either him or you.

Your lips land on him once more, this time on his jaw, before they wander down the hollow of his throat. Dean welcomes the sensation of your mouth on his neck, your teeth against his collarbones. Your hands on his chest, warm and soft and eager. So eager to make him feel good, to prove to him his own worth.

Your fingers are always enough to make his walls crumble. The sweet nothings you whisper to his ear always suffice. It might not heal him entirely, but his doubts are soothed for the moment whenever you need him. Whenever you give him what he needs. Whenever you love him.

Your hands reach the waistband of his denim pants, against which his cock is already beginning to strain. Once your touch ghosts over the prominent bulge, he snaps and indulges. In one swift movement, he stands up, his hands still tight on your hips as he picks you up and carries you to the sink. Within a second you find yourself positioned on the bathroom counter, your back nearly bumping against the mirror behind you and your legs draped around Dean’s waist. You’d complain about how he should be careful, lest he wants the fresh stitches to rip open, but your protest dies on Dean’s tongue, which he has already slipped past your lips.

Dean kisses you hard and with purpose, as if wanting to repay your praises. Where your mouth works its magic through words, he has always known different ways to use his. Always a man of actions, your boyfriend. His lips wander down your neck, making you gasp in delight.

He grunts, dizzy with the taste of you, your scent, your voice. You’re so soft under his calloused hands that he’s reminded once more of how close he was to losing you tonight. His impatient hands pull your shirt up over your chest, where his lips latch onto. He doesn’t even bother pulling it over your head fully, eager to search your heartbeat with his tongue, as if he’s able to taste that you’re still alive that way.

While you’re busy discarding your shirt properly, Dean’s mouth finds your nipple through the lace of your bra. You arch your back into his touch further, his name falling from your lips in a whimper that almost has his brain short-circuit.

“Fuck, sweetheart,” he gruffs and pulls you off the counter, turning you in his arms so you’d face the mirror. His low voice is gravelly and half muffled by the column of your neck, which he still works some hickeys into. “Always treating me like some kind of hero when you’re the one keeping me alive and sane.”

His bare chest is pressed flush against your back and your hips are lodged against the edge of the sink, to which your shaky fingers grip so tightly that your knuckles turn white. You whimper again, softly, as you feel him rock his hips against your ass. Were it not for his large hands around you, one on your waist, the other cupping your breast, your knees would give out and you’d topple over.

Dean shoves a little harsher, his chest still flat against your back as he pushes you closer to the mirror. It’s fogging up slightly with how heavily you’re panting against the glass. Your eyes meet through the reflection and he finds himself not minding the mirror so long as you’re in the picture as well.

The bandaid that used to roughly match your skin color earlier now sticks out against your flushed face, red and warm all the way down to your neck and even your chest. Your lips are kiss-bitten, puffy and slightly parted as your ragged breath is interrupted by little mewls and whines.

Most days Dean’s looks in the mirror and hates what he sees. But he could get used to this view. At least he can appreciate the sight of his own hands on you, one around your throat, the other between your thighs, making you unravel, being held by yours as you reach for his wrists.

“Maybe scratch the sane part, you know you’re driving me crazy,” he revises his earlier statement as his deft fingers make quick work of your jean’s button and fly. His breath is hot against the shell of your ear and you shudder as he watches every small reaction of yours closely, like a hawk.

He shoves his hand straight into your underwear, satisfied when his fingers find your slick and his ears pick up on the meek moan. He’s barely even touched you yet, but you’re already soaking. You’re so damn responsive it almost makes him want to rip both your pants off and just take you until you’ll see stars. While patience is a virtue, it’s not Dean’s strong suit – yet he wants to take his time with you.

“Always taking such good care of me,” he whispers roughly, gently pinching your clit between his middle and ring finger. “My turn making my girl feel good.”

Using your previous methods on you now, he presses a soft kiss to your temple. His lips brush right against the edge of your bandaid. “My pretty girl,” he breathes, before his mouth wanders to your cheek, where he places another kiss.

“My smart girl, always using her pretty head to keep us alive.” God knows his words are true – your quick thinking and ability to stay level headed has saved the both of you out of dangerous situations more times than he can count.

One of his fingertips slips past your entrance, causing you to overhear whatever he adds to the list of compliments. You’re too distracted by the digit sinking deeper into your cunt with little resistance.

Your blush deepens further, fingers curling around the sink’s ceramic. Your eyelashes flutter and your eyes threaten to close, but Dean prevents your head from dropping low with a gentle nudge of his hand. His fingers tighten around your throat, firm enough to make you redirect your focus, but not enough to squeeze your windpipes, let alone hurt you in any way.

“Eyes on the mirror, doll,” he hums against your jaw. “Would be a shame if you were t’miss out on the show, huh? Look how pretty you are f’me, princess, all sensitive and needy.”

You squirm and whimper, struggling to follow his order with how he’s making your head spin. He’s not playing fair. How’re you supposed to focus on anything except him adding another finger to pump in and out of your cunt?

“Dean, please,” you moan, desperately trying to wiggle your hips. You aren’t even sure what it is you’re begging for, exactly. More of him. All of him. Not like you can’t already feel him throb against the curve of your ass.

“Wanna see you cum on my fingers first, baby,” he mumbles, nearly slurring over his own words. But the hand around your throat loosens its grip and he already moves it down to pull your pants lower. “Know you’re almost there, can feel you squeezing the shit out of my fingers.”

You half groan half sob, beyond flustered, but too far gone to argue back. Your legs are already shaking thanks to his fingers thrusting in and out of you and your breathing becomes more ragged with each intake of oxygen. You attempt to throw him a pleading glance through the mirror, but all you can see is your own messy state. Your gaze briefly flickers down, watching his thumb circle your clit in the reflection. However, your eyes are forced back up as Dean’s free hand winds up in your hair and pulls your head back until it’s settled against his uninjured shoulder.

“Eyes up here,” he quips and you’d want to wipe that smug smirk off his lips, were it not for his fingers curling inside of you and pushing you over the edge at last. Your mouth falls open and you cry out as liquid heat rushes through every fiber of your body. You see your own reflection, expression twisted into pleasure and bliss as your orgasm washes over you and you clamp down on Dean’s fingers. Your grip tightens around his wrist, which doesn’t stop him from guiding you through the ecstasy.

“So good for me,” Dean praises, or you think that’s what you hear in your hazy state. You’re still trying to catch your breath as he withdraws his hands from between your now sticky thighs. He brings it up to his mouth, giving his fingers a brief lick. You shudder in awe watching him. His pupils are blown wide, glistening tongue peeking out from those plump lips of his.

But he changes his mind at the last second.

“Not done with you yet, sweetheart,” he whispers and presses his fingers against your lips. You obediently open your mouth for him, welcoming his fingers in, though you flush more as you taste yourself on his skin.

Your walls flutter and clench around nothing just at that, but you have a feeling he’s about to do something about the empty feeling. He smirks knowingly, his cheek pressed against yours, your faces in the mirror side by side.

“Think I should show you how pretty you look taking my cock? I swear, it feels unfair that I’m always the only one who gets to enjoy the show.”

credit & links: ao3 ──〃★ dividers ──〃★ request here taglist: comment a green heart 💚 to be added to the dean x reader taglist (please note: ageless blogs will only be tagged in fluff and angst posts)

@winchester-whiskey @whormotional @spacecowgirl126 @zepskies @hot-and-confused

@spookyfunhottub @calibootsgirl

[inbarfink]

Okay, so I already wrote a bunch of stuff about how that scene, although it is really sweet, is also kind of a Bad Sign for Simon - how he refuses to learn the Obvious Lesson from the Winterworld adventure (that being the Ice King again is probably a really really bad idea). But I want to talk about it also a little more about what it means for Fionna’s character as well. 

Because while sitting around and wallowing in self-loathing is probably bad for Fionna, especially after being told that she shouldn't be allowed to exist, and Simon is right to try and get her out of her funk. It's also still worthwhile for Fionna to have some introspection about the Consequences of Her Actions. Because she and Cake really did not consider them at all at first. They have a sense of morality and an instinct towards heroism, but they also tend to kinda forget the fantastical worlds they visit don’t exist entirely for their fantasy and have kind of a Protagonist-Centered-Morality fallacy. 

Most obviously you can see it in the market in Ooo. How Cake, in her excitement, damaged and hurt and even killed

A bunch of innocent marketgoers without even noticing. And then Fionna immediately jumped to Cake’s defense against these ‘weirdos’, who were actually just normal kinda-righteously-angry Oooian citizens.

It’s actually very similar to the whole Winterworld situation. Fionna’s assumption that she’s automatically the hero and protagonist of the story and black-and-white view of the situation and her tendency to kick ass first and ask questions later meant that she just recklessly injured a lot of innocent people.

(It might’ve been worse actually cause at least in Winterworld she was at least manipulated by an evil Wizard)

Fionna and Cake clearly have a great potential for heroism, but they do need to be a bit more considerate of the situation and people around them. And it does make sense considering that from their perspective - they’ve been living a very ordinary life up until now (and Cake was literally an animal. A very clever animal, but still not bound by the same standards of morality as the talking animals in Ooo). Action and adventure and fantasy stuff has been purely the realm of daydream and video games for them - and Fionna literally speaks about it in these terms.

(also, Fionna's Main Character Syndrome was undoubtedly validated when God literally told her that she was created to be the main character of her universe)

So yeah, it takes them some time to really process how to be heroes - they need to grapple with questions that Finn and Jake already kinda dealt with seventeen years ago. And actually a lot of those; how to resolve a situation without necessarily using violence, when does a 'villain' actually deserve sympathy and kindness, the importance of the larger context of any given conflict... their confrontations with Ice King all played a big part in that. It was never just him, but he was still a very major part.

And for Fionna and Cake right now, learning these lessons require some amount of personal introspection. So while it was a sweet attempt at comforting, I dunno if Simon’s little ‘the only problem with that universe is that this Alternative Me was terrible because he didn’t even acknowledge or remember Betty as the love of our life and the light of my entire universe’ thing is actually Good. 

I’m not quite sure Simon is the best person to teach Fionna and Cake heroism 101, because he is so focused on the Crown Quest as the thing that brings back Meaning to his life, and because his fatherly instincts just kinda go “Sad Young Person???? MUST GIVE COMFORT!” and also on account of the kidnapping.

I’m sure Fionna is going to become the heroine she dreams about eventually, it’s just going to be a bumpy ride. The best we can hope for is that they accept Simon’s comfort, that she doesn't start believing that she is nothing but an Error for the entire universe like the Scarab claims, but don’t necessarily listen to all of Simon's his words either.

[idolomantises]

I think I’m gonna discuss this once and hopefully never have to bring it up again. Originally I wanted to talk about it on Twitter but people are very disrespectful when it comes to mental health so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Basically, I haven’t been doing so great, mentally. Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m safe and surrounded by people I care about, and it’s been like that for months. I just, I haven’t been feeling good.

For people who do follow me on accounts like Twitter and Instagram, you may have noticed I haven’t posted anything new since January. I was struggling to feel motivated to make something for my main accounts despite having countless ideas I’d love to work on. I feel better now and do plan on getting something done in March, but that sudden lack of motivation is pretty rare for me. Art is not only my job but a big hobby for me, I just love drawing. I did get some nsfw art done at least.

I don’t know what really prompted my mental health decline, I’ve been getting a few worried messages and fanart because someone insulted my art. But that didn’t hurt me at all, it actually boosted my account and patreon.

I guess I just… got sad?

I have a really bad tendency to suppress and even ignore my trauma and feelings of guilt. And I guess one day I really sat with my thoughts and I just, lost it I guess. I have so much traumatic memories and sudden and intense feelings of self loathing, something I’ve never felt in almost a decade, that it got overwhelming. I couldn’t reassure myself, I couldn’t really talk to anyone about it because how do you confront things that happened years ago? You feel almost irrational. It’s just memories that haunt you, it’s nothing physical or tangible and yet it’s a crushing feeling of anxiety, self hatred and resentment.

I was crying almost every day, and crying so much that my eyes kept hurting long after I was done, and I could barely see my own screen. I’ve had paranoid thoughts about myself and others, thoughts I can’t get into because they’re so deeply irrational. I was feeling suicidal urges and thoughts of self harm. I don’t see myself doing it, but it’s so frequent and overwhelming it’s like I’m already planning my suicide note.

I was talking to my therapist about it, that I was starting to hate being alive. That I hated living. That I could spend the next 50 years of my life with no more conflict or trauma and I’d still be in intense misery and turmoil. They’re feelings I couldn’t really bring myself to tell friends about because what could they say? How do you calm yourself down and reassure yourself. I can’t even talk about my trauma verbally without crying. And it’s funny because sometimes minor irks started to affect me negatively. I was feeling anxious about what to draw because I didn’t want to do deal with homophobic backlash.

I went to a therapist, I talked to friends, Ive been working out more and eating better, I did everything I should do to improve my mental health and all of a sudden a single night just sitting in my room destroyed everything I was slowly building up over the past 5 years.

It’s been really difficult for me. I think also, I just felt so much guilt over not being the best person I could be. I decided to lessen my online usage, not just for my mental health but because I really wanted to work on being a better person. I want to stop hating myself and letting my trauma push me down and I want to do just be better and do better as a person. A lot of people have been very forgiving and kind to me but I don’t feel like it’s enough and I want to do more and I want to feel better about myself. I want to give everything I can to people around me. I’ve been going to therapy a lot more lately and things are getting better for me, but it’s been a very slow process.

I just want to repeat that nothing serious has happened to me. Nobody attacked me in a way that negatively affected my health. A lot of people, friends and strangers have been really nice to me these past few months. I just was doing a lot of self reflecting and unintentionally forced myself to confront a lot of my trauma. I’m saying trauma a lot. I don’t want to get into depth about what I endured because it’s my business but people who do know me know how bad things were for me. I don’t want to feel like that again. I want to feel better, and I want to do better.

Sorry for the long read. That’s just how I feel.

[rockwgooglyeyes]

uhm . . i have a small proposal for you . . nyx . . as sayaka < : < ?

although i think . . lang is the 2nd closest to solei ? ( if it was probably someone else i um . might have forgot ), and solei and nyx are more of casual friends, i just uh . i just think sayaka and nyx are a bit similar . ? and i also think that him and solei could maybe have the potential to be best friends if they grew up together, and that they would also probably meet from nyx defending them from bullies . .

OH and i know that homura kinda hates sayaka . . mostly ( in my opinion ) for always hurting madoka with her always inevitable self - destruction and how homura is ultimately powerless to stop it also because of their closeness . . but,

for aurien at least, although she’d definitely be frustrated and angry nyx would always end up doing that to himself, she’d, generally be more inconsolable and anguished over it . she would also be irritated with how nyx always hurts solei in that, but even more that she can’t do anything to stop him herself . ( basically . aurien doesn’t hate nyx lolol . . wait would they still be siblings in this au . . wait would that be why nyx and aurien would be 2 of solei’s childhood friends . . wait )

i also think that sayaka’s color schemes and costume themes ( with whatever changes or modifications you’d like to add of course ! ! ) could work for nyx . .

but that’s just my opinion . . i hope you didn’t mind all my yapping, i feel like im sending full on essays into my poor victims moots inboxes at this point 😭 but im generally just enjoying messing around with this silly au but its also agonizing because i cant think of anything else ! ! ! but anyways . love you rock, and hope your doing good at the moment : ) !

APRI!! hhhiiiiiiii!! I love you too I hope you are having a good day (well actually I hope that you're asleep but that's another story entirely, innit?)

To address your other ask- I would actually be delighted to have Nyx as a magical girl because I really love this stuff and the inherent subversion of gender roles inherent within. Besides, I don't think that it's really gender-locked in universe, at least, I don't think it's ever explicitly stated to be.

Either way, Nyx is a very fitting pick for Sayaka! They both have the strong principles, the tendency to get into fights for what someone else might view as trivial reasons, they are both doing this for the ones that they love, not themselves. Additionally, the nature of Sayaka's witch is "falling in love" and I do think that's actually fitting for Nyx as well. Not that he falls in love romantically with people but when he loves someone, it consumes him (another reason he and Tov @ivanttakethis are similar). He doesn't care much about himself and so, when he loves someone, he devotes all of himself to them. Not only that but he has a hard time quantifying love, driven by instinct rather than logic in this arena, which makes it all the more dangerous.

If he and Aurien were still siblings in this au, I think that would actually be funny and a super interesting subversion of Homura and Sayaka's canon roles. The reason I say that is because, if they are still siblings, Nyx would perhaps loathe Auri for trying to monopolize Solei's time, as he is Solei's friend too and yet she wants them all to herself. Despite his resentment, though, he would still do anything for his sister. In fact, that could very well be why he became a magical girl- not to save someone he loves (the Kyousuke stand-in), but to protect them. He wants to protect Auri, tooth and nail, feelings of resentment non-withstanding.

(Sorry, went to go get lunch. anyways!)

The fact that Aurien's resentment would stem from Nyx's willing self destruction in the name of others, well, uh, that's. that's very canon for them. As siblings anyways. Nyx's resentment of Auri wouldn't really be as focal and if anything, it would be his frustration with her driving herself into the ground (they're hypocritical what can i say) and the way that she devotes herself entirely to saving Solei (@solei-eclipse) with no consideration for saving herself. In a way, it's a horrible cycle- Solei sacrifices themself for others, Aurien sacrifices herself for Solei, and Nyx sacrifices himself for Aurien.

Almost like karma or self fulfilling prophecies. . . something something ouroboros

[somethingclevermahogony]

Character Interaction Tag

Thank you for the tag (x2) @illarian-rambling , to keep this simple I'll just use one of my OCs. Posting this again because I accidentally posted before I finished.

Rules: post the OCs of the people who tagged you and one of your OCs and say how yours would interact with theirs

Katie's OC #1: Ivander Montane is a 30 year old corrupt detective from the trade city of Unity. He has blue blood and double-pointed ears, wears fancy suits, and walks with a cane. His estranged family runs the banks of Unity, however he left them years ago, and in doing so, broke a divine contract, which left him cursed to slowly and painfully be transmuted into mist over the course of many years. Personality-wise, he's kind of a privileged shithead. He's got the catty attitude and love of gossip of a middle school girl, and can insult your outfit just as acutely. He doesn't have a sincere bone in his body and is afraid of any form of intimacy. However, deep down, he really just wants a friend and to not be in pain anymore. Show him the slightest hint of compassion and he will crumble. His hobbies include being a hater, fashion, and marksmanship (he's a crack shot with a rune rifle). All in all, he's got the snark of a drag queen, the heart of a lonely noir detective, and a body that's been through a cheese grater.

Katie's OC #2: Djek Kagura is a young man (19 in the first book, 23 in the second two) with a shifty appearance, red eyes, and a constant squint due to poor vision. He grew up on the streets after his parents tossed him out to cut down on mouths to feed, only to later join the brutal Tunnel Wasp smuggling gang, which he later split from due to his aversion to violence and need to do what's right. As a person, he's always quick with a joke or snide comment, loves sarcasm, and lies like a fish breathes water. His bad habit is that he loves to annoy people on purpose. At his core is a deep sense of self-loathing and abandonment issues, but he covers these with humor. He tends to try to find peaceful solutions to situations and has a bit of a bleeding heart, even if he pretends to be tough. His friends mean the world to him and he's loyal to the point getting himself hurt in fights he can't win. Also, he's surprisingly in touch with people's emotions and always trys to make them feel better, even he does it with a bad joke or by irritating them to action. He has a weak form of sorcery, specializes in shadow magic, and has incorrigibly sticky fingers.

My OC: (As of the start of Book 1) Narul is a 23 year-old slave at the Palace of Labisa, the Great City by the Lake. He is a forestfolk, a person or group of people who have been mutated or altered by the effects of wild or ambient magic. His birth mother was a priestess, his father is a mystery. He was adopted by an enslaved woman as an infant, thus how he ended up in the servitude of King Hutbari. He is a giant of a man, literally, at just a hair under nine feet tall. He is additionally quite bulky, much much larger than even the biggest human. He is so large that the door into the slave quarters had to be reconstructed just to fit him as he grew up. Aside from his size he is also just a bit rough in appearance, hairy and broad, picture a DnD Dwarf, just sized way up.

He is inhumanly strong, a fact that causes him a great deal of distress. Because of his size and strength, Narul has the potential to be quite dangerous to normal humans, as he has been repeatedly reminded of since his childhood. Narul has a great deal of anxiety around his body and his potential to accidently hurt others, as such he is quite timid and careful. He has a tendency to mumble when he talks, which unfortunately due to his low voice, often makes it sound like he is growling.He is a gentle person, he likes flowers and abhors violence. He cries relatively easily and gets easily anxious or overwhelmed.Despite all of this he is fiercely loyal and kind. He doesn’t talk much but loves to listen to others. 

His fatal flaw is a healthy dose of self-doubt and self-loathing. Narul hates his body, it scares him, and he believes that it scares others. He is often self-deprecating, though not in a joking way. He feels an intense jealousy towards those around him that are able to live normal lives and pursue normal relationships.

How they would interact: Ivander’s propensity for expensive clothes, his snarky attitude, and his privileged attitude is something that Narul is fairly used to, Ivander would fit in well with Labisian Nobility. Upon first being introduced, I imagine that Narul would be polite but ultimately not particularly interested in interacting with Ivander as a person. However, I think upon realizing that Ivander is having his own issues with his body (that pesky mist curse), Narul would begin to empathize. In a funny way, I think Ivander’s cocky exterior and his hidden longing for a friend would remind Narul of Ninma, and even though Ivander is older, I think some of Narul’s fatherly instincts would kick in.

Narul would get along fine with Djek. Personality-wise, Djek seems very similar to Narul’s adopted brother and best-friend, Suru. Both are witty, sarcastic, and quick to make a joke. The big difference between Suru and Djek is that Suru doesn’t have that sense of self-loathing. Suru is quite aware of his flaws and is happy with who he is, even if he isn’t happy with his situation (also Suru is a scrawny guy, with 0 magic and 0 fighting skills, Suru couldn’t hurt a fly not from want of trying, but because in a fight the fly would probably win.) Narul would enjoy having Djek around, so long as Djek didn’t pick on him too much. Narul would eventually try to help with that self-loathing, though with how awkward Narul is, and how deeply his own sense of self-loathing is, it seems doubtful how much he could actually help.

Tagging @roach-pizza , @mk-writes-stuff , @dyrewrites , @finickyfelix , and @kaylinalexanderbooks

[mk-writes-stuff]

OC Interaction Game

Rules: describe an OC, then describe how they would interact with the OC(s) of the people who tagged you

Thanks @somethingclevermahogony and @illarian-rambling for the tags! I love this game

C’s OC: (As of the start of Book 1) Narul is a 23 year-old slave at the Palace of Labisa, the Great City by the Lake. He is a forestfolk, a person or group of people who have been mutated or altered by the effects of wild or ambient magic. His birth mother was a priestess, his father is a mystery. He was adopted by an enslaved woman as an infant, thus how he ended up in the servitude of King Hutbari. He is a giant of a man, literally, at just a hair under nine feet tall. He is additionally quite bulky, much much larger than even the biggest human. He is so large that the door into the slave quarters had to be reconstructed just to fit him as he grew up. Aside from his size he is also just a bit rough in appearance, hairy and broad, picture a DnD Dwarf, just sized way up.

He is inhumanly strong, a fact that causes him a great deal of distress. Because of his size and strength, Narul has the potential to be quite dangerous to normal humans, as he has been repeatedly reminded of since his childhood. Narul has a great deal of anxiety around his body and his potential to accidently hurt others, as such he is quite timid and careful. He has a tendency to mumble when he talks, which unfortunately due to his low voice, often makes it sound like he is growling.He is a gentle person, he likes flowers and abhors violence. He cries relatively easily and gets easily anxious or overwhelmed.Despite all of this he is fiercely loyal and kind. He doesn’t talk much but loves to listen to others. 

His fatal flaw is a healthy dose of self-doubt and self-loathing. Narul hates his body, it scares him, and he believes that it scares others. He is often self-deprecating, though not in a joking way. He feels an intense jealousy towards those around him that are able to live normal lives and pursue normal relationships.

Katie’s OC: Elsind is a 20 year old changeling whose true form looks like a mannequin wrapped in raw meat with five fins ringing its face, and who can transition between a solid and liquid state. They change their disguise frequently (they can only do people, not animals) and use the pronouns of whatever face they're wearing. As a person, Elsind is anxious, easily flustered, cries a lot, and is overall very kind-hearted, despite working as an assassin for a rebel cell. She ended up in that line of work because she wants revenge for what the nobility of her home put her through - kidnapping her at thirteen to serve as a court freak. He thinks if he can assassinate his target, he can earn his courage back and be more than another discarded toy of the ruling class, even if the idea of killing someone makes him sick. Indeed, classism is where Elsind gets very passionate, as well as talking about romance novels. They long for love, even if they think no one would accept a changeling without a disguise. I would also say she's chronically unlucky. If anyone is going to slip in the mud in his nice new dress, it's Elsind. All I have written down on their character notes is "eager to please, easily overwhelmed, great combo of traits," which is pretty much Elsind's deal.

My OC (created by my lovely gf): Nellie is a clone in her mid-twenties, although she’s only been out of the vat for about six months. She’s reasonably tall and pretty skinny, with pale skin, short black hair, and narrow red-and-gold eyes, which she usually hides behind sunglasses. Nellie is a sweet, kind, and empathetic woman who cares very deeply for others and wants to help, to the point where she sometimes struggles to put herself first. She also has a deeply traumatic history of abuse by her genetic donor that still troubles her deeply and gives her struggles with intimacy, as well as an addiction to mindsplit that she’s trying to shake. She longs for a simple, happy life - a good job, a nice place to live, good food, and the chance to live as her true self (Nellie is a trans woman) is all she’s really looking for (and maybe a partner one day if the opportunity arises - she’s met a friend who’s cute but he’s also a clone of Belladonna’s dad so she’s a bit uncertain). Nellie also has empathic magic, although she hasn’t trained it much, which she mostly uses to see how others are feeling and help them where she can.

How Nellie and Narul would interact: I think at first Nellie would be a bit intimidated by him because he’s huge. But with her empathy magic, I think she’d quickly realize he was actually a very sweet, anxious man, and she’d no longer find him scary. She’d be happy to talk to him (I think she might kind of hope the creeps would steer clear of her if she spent time with him, but regardless she’d be happy to just because he seems nice) and would be fine talking if he wanted to listen, although I think she’d feel like she was running out of things to talk about because she’s still figuring herself and her life out. If he ever opened up to her, she’d understand the feeling of being different very well - she’s only just recently been able to start living a normal life now that she’s out from under Narcissus’s thumb.

How Nellie and Elsind would interact: I think they’d get along great! They’re both very kindhearted people with awful pasts due to their natures (Elsind being a shapechanger and Nellie being a clone). Nellie doesn’t want Narcissus dead particularly, and would certainly never want to kill him, but she wouldn’t blame Elsind for wanting their abuser dead. They both have similar view on the world (classism bad and nobility kind of sucks), and Nellie would love to hear all about Elsind’s romance novels - she’s just starting to read herself, so she might ask Elsind if he has any suggestions. She would be happy to befriend Elsind despite her being a shapeshifter, so I think they’d both benefit from this friendship, since both of them could definitely use a friend.

This was a fun one! I hope y’all like the answers, lmk what you think :)

@kaylinalexanderbooks @rkmoon @writingsfromspace want to play?

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

OC interaction

Thanks to @somethingclevermahogony here and here, @illarian-rambling here, and @mk-writes-stuff here!

Rules: describe an OC, then describe how they would interact with the OC of the person who tagged you!

Under the cut, it got long:

C's OC #1

Narul is a 23 year-old slave at the Palace of Labisa, the Great City by the Lake. He is a forestfolk, a person or group of people who have been mutated or altered by the effects of wild or ambient magic. His birth mother was a priestess, his father is a mystery. He was adopted by an enslaved woman as an infant, thus how he ended up in the servitude of King Hutbari. He is a giant of a man, literally, at just a hair under nine feet tall. He is additionally quite bulky, much much larger than even the biggest human. He is so massive that the door into the slave quarters had to be reconstructed just to fit him as he grew up. Aside from his size he is also just a bit rough in appearance, hairy and broad, picture a DnD Dwarf, just sized way up. He is inhumanly strong, a fact that causes him a great deal of distress. Because of his size and strength, Narul has the potential to be quite dangerous to normal humans, as he has been repeatedly reminded of since his childhood. Narul has a great deal of anxiety around his body and his potential to accidently hurt others, as such he is quite timid and careful. He has a tendency to mumble when he talks, which unfortunately due to his low voice, often makes it sound like he is growling. He is a gentle person, he likes flowers and abhors violence. He cries relatively easily and gets easily anxious or overwhelmed.Despite all of this he is fiercely loyal and kind. He doesn’t talk much but loves to listen to others.  His fatal flaw is a healthy dose of self-doubt and self-loathing. Narul hates his body, it scares him, and he believes that it scares others. He is often self-deprecating, though not in a joking way. He feels an intense jealousy towards those around him that are able to live normal lives and pursue normal relationships.

C's OC #2

Mikrab is a spiritblood, half-human and half-spirit, a demigod. Mikrab is just over 1450 years old, his body is functionally immortal, though his mind is not. Time and loss has made him apathetic, and his memory has faded with the ages. He does not remember where he comes from, nor his family, he doesn't even remember his birth name, Mikrab is the Knoshic version of his original name (Like Juan vs. John), and his culture and language of origin have since gone extinct. While he does not relish in violence or destruction, he simply does not care if he causes it. He will kill and destroy for the sake of convenience. He wanders the world, not seeking death but also not avoiding it. He is lethargic and cold, save for moments of frustration, often with his predicament. As with all spiritbloods he is massive, though among spiritbloods he is on the short side, only about 7'8, and is a bit more lean in his build compared to the likes of Narul or Batricca. His supernatural strength and durability are what have allowed him to survive so long. Surprisingly, he is quite a skilled linguist and can speak in Kishite, Knoshic, Apunian, Korithian, Arkodian, Ikopeshi, and Namuti.

Katie's OC

Djek Kagura is a young man (19 in the first book, 23 in the second two) with a shifty appearance, red eyes, and a constant squint due to poor vision. He grew up on the streets after his parents tossed him out to cut down on mouths to feed, only to later join the brutal Tunnel Wasp smuggling gang, which he later split from due to his aversion to violence and need to do what's right. As a person, he's always quick with a joke or snide comment, loves sarcasm, and lies like a fish breathes water. His bad habit is that he loves to annoy people on purpose. At his core is a deep sense of self-loathing and abandonment issues, but he covers these with humor. He tends to try to find peaceful solutions to situations and has a bit of a bleeding heart, even if he pretends to be tough. His friends mean the world to him and he's loyal to the point getting himself hurt in fights he can't win. Also, he's surprisingly in touch with people's emotions and always trys to make them feel better, even he does it with a bad joke or by irritating them to action. He has a weak form of sorcery, specializes in shadow magic, and has incorrigibly sticky fingers.

MK's OC

My OC (created by my lovely gf): Nellie is a clone in her mid-twenties, although she’s only been out of the vat for about six months. She’s reasonably tall and pretty skinny, with pale skin, short black hair, and narrow red-and-gold eyes, which she usually hides behind sunglasses. Nellie is a sweet, kind, and empathetic woman who cares very deeply for others and wants to help, to the point where she sometimes struggles to put herself first. She also has a deeply traumatic history of abuse by her genetic donor that still troubles her deeply and gives her struggles with intimacy, as well as an addiction to mindsplit that she’s trying to shake. She longs for a simple, happy life - a good job, a nice place to live, good food, and the chance to live as her true self (Nellie is a trans woman) is all she’s really looking for (and maybe a partner one day if the opportunity arises - she’s met a friend who’s cute but he’s also a clone of Belladonna’s dad so she’s a bit uncertain). Nellie also has empathic magic, although she hasn’t trained it much, which she mostly uses to see how others are feeling and help them where she can.

My OC

Ash Hathaway is a thirteen year old (at the start of Pt1) girl with telepathic powers. She's ambitious to the point of self-destruction, where she wants to try new things just to see where her limits are. Part of it has to do with wanting to prove herself - that she can do it. If someone says she can't do something, she's likely going to go out of her way to do it. She lives in the moment with only some hindsight and no forward thinking. She seeks pleasure and thrill and risk, with no regard to how this could hurt herself or others. Not that she doesn't care about people, but more of she just doesn't recognize danger. She wants nothing more than to expand her powers just to see how far she can go. Despite being able to read minds and feel the emotions of others, she struggles to empathize or understand exactly what she's feeling, usually misinterpreting what others are thinking. Overstimulation and frustration can lead to her seeking ways to avoid her problems and more dangerous behavior. Ash needs to be kept busy - have her do something productive and hands-on, and she will be fine.

Ash and Narul

I think Ash would feel a little conflicted about approaching Narul, considering his size, and she doesn't like feeling physically helpless. However, I think she would, because she also likes risk and after a bit of debate would decide she could use her telepathy to her advantage. Being able to read his thoughts, I think Ash would figure out that he's not a threat, even if she doesn't understand being timid of himself just because he might hurt someone. She does get the fear on some level, since she has done so before herself, but she's always just reassessed how to go about testing her powers. Why limit herself? She may try to teach Narul that. You can't learn if you don't try. Narul I think would be scared that he might hurt her, a child, in the process, so probably wouldn't give in. I think Ash would get his frustration in his own skin, since she's felt that way many times. However, she will never understand not wanting to see what he's capable of. But I think that Narul will ultimately remind Ash of her best friend, Lexi. Jealous easily, cries easily, easily overwhelmed, hates violence...just a million times more reserved than she is. Narul may be jealous that Ash even has a friend group, even if Ash manages to admit most of her friend group was constructed by Lexi. I think they'd be able to connect on some level, but ultimately not understand each other quite well.

Ash and Mikrab

I think Ash and Mikrab could help each other. Ash is always eager to learn more, and through telepathy, could help Mikrab potentially regain some memories. She would love to absorb the knowledge he has, maybe experience what the long life was. However, if he's lost the ability to care, Ash may do this without consent, even if she believes it would ultimately help him. I'm sure she'd sit on it for a while, but in an intense situation, in an attempt to stop him, she'd easily rip into his mind to try and access what he once lost. She wouldn't do anything that deep without consent on impulse, I don't think. Unless we're talking about Ash toward the end of TSP, then I think she would, and in a way she becomes more and more apathetic like Mikrab. So depending on the circumstances, Ash could help Mikrab connect with memory and emotion again as she learns new things and tests her abilities, or Ash's drive to do that will get her severely hurt, killed, or just in a generally bad situation.

Ash and Djek

Djek may intrigue Ash a bit too much. She may be able to sense he's lying, sense him covering pain with humor, etc wonder why, and peak into his mind. May get a bit overwhelmed by the self-loathing thing. She has used humor before to defuse situations, so they have that in common, but she does not exactly covering up her own pain with it. She will try to understand Djek, but her curiosity may get the best of her, and I'm not sure he'll like her experiencing his own self-loathing and calling out every lie he makes. I think they would clash, at least at first. Djek being in touch with emotions naturally would be an interesting comparison. I feel like they'd call each other's feelings out, read each other and make the other one irritated as a result. However, I do think that if they were in A Situation in which they were forced to work together or bond, they could do it. Ash definitely would be interested in Djek's magic, weak or not, and may even encourage him to test his limits.

Ash and Nellie

Ash would probably accidentally sense Nellie is a clone, but she'd also sense she shouldn't reveal that to anyone. Her kind empathetic nature who puts herself last would remind Ash a lot of her friend Gwen. Hearing Nellie has empathetic magic would definitely cause Ash to be curious, and she'd ask her many questions about it. First, she may ask how she could learn to interpret emotions, but also may see if she can help Nellie expand her powers a bit more. Ash also has a bit of a developing addiction to telepathic probes that expand her mind and give her visions but start to take a toll on her - mentally, emotionally, physically. If Nellie is shaking off an addiction, I would hope she manages to convince Ash to stop using the probes. Cannot confirm if it would work or not - it may make Ash get irritated and want to use them more to prove she can do it. That last bit may cause a divide, but I think they'd mostly be interested in the other.

Well that was long.

Tagging @elsie-writes @winterandwords @sleepywriter00 @cherrybombfangirlwrites @duckingwriting @ceph-the-ghost-writer + anyone else who wants to play!

TSP intro

TSP tag list (ask to be +/-): @thepeculiarbird @illarian-rambling @televisionjester @finchwrites

[princess-of-the-corner]

The Redemption Arc Seating Chart

So, uh, my friend has started something she calls “The Redemption Arc Seating Chart”? Almost like a tier list (But not really)? Anyway, she says she needs more ideas for “tables”, so, I guess if anyone has any ideas, shoot them out?

“Tables” she already named:

Honoured Rival Table - you used to hate the main characters guts, and honestly, you still do. But respect has come to outweigh hatred or loathing, and if anyone else tried to hurt them, you’d most likely go a little feral. Like, you probably would still stab the main character in the gut if given half the chance, but only in an already established fight. Sometimes people “mistake” you for a friend of the MC, which you deny vehemently. You aren’t friends. Your bond goes far beyond the trappings of mere friendship. Only you can beat the MC.

True Companions Table - you have turned your life around so much, the main characters consider you a friend now. No matter where you started, you have realized the error of your ways and come around to the side of the protagonists. You’d easily take a bullet for each other, and probably have. You probably feel awful about your past deeds, and have some self-sacrificial tendencies because you feel it might be the only way to make up for what you did. Overcoming your guilt is most likely a big part of your character arc. Adjacent is the “Enemies to Lovers” Table.

Study Group Table - so, turns out you were seriously misinformed about something when you went up against the protagonist. Maybe a bad guy promised you something, or maybe you didn’t have all the facts, maybe you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but you have done some pretty awful things for reasons you have since learned were motivated by false information. Upon learning this, you’ve struggled to learn the truth of things, and now you work hard to make sure you aren’t tricked again.

Former Bully Table - You … weren’t ever really a “villain” in the strictest sense of the word. You were just kind of a dick, going through some shit, and coping by trying to make someone else’s life hell. Then the plot kicked off, and you got a massive dose of reality. These days, you and the protagonist aren’t really “friends”, but you’ve both moved on from squabbling with each other. They have bigger fish to fry than you, and you’ve found other things to do with your time.

Project Partners/Coworkers Table - You were very much a villain, but teamed up with the protagonist because you had a mutual enemy. This team up lasted long enough that you realized working for the other side sucked, and working for the protagonist actually isn’t bad. You have benefits now and shit. Like, you and the protag might not be buddy-buddy anytime soon, but you’ll shoot the shit at the water cooler, and help each other out to get work done on time.

Expelled Table - so, you tried real hard to turn your life around - really, you did! You even made some pretty serious progress! People were starting to think you could change. So were you, to be honest. But … well, maybe it wasn’t the right time. Maybe you backslid too far. Heck, maybe someone tricked you. But the fact remains, you ended up back on the path you started on, and nothing anyone says right now will convince you to try again. 

And, of course, my friend’s personal favourite:

Why Are You Sitting Here? - no, seriously, why are you sitting over here? You did a bunch of awful things, then did a complete 180 … why, exactly? Did you ever tell us your reason for suddenly deciding you weren’t going to murder people? Was that ever communicated? Wait, why are you trusting them!? Yeah, they saved our lives here, but they previously tried to kill us multiple times, are we just forgetting that because they decided not to shoot us? Hey, why are you moving to the Friends Table!? And as for you … you were a villain? When? What exactly did you do? Why do you need a redemption arc?

If anyone has any other ideas for “Tables”, feel free to share them!

-

Fucking beautiful.

[mischievouslittlecreature]

10 and 12 for Lucy and Tommy 🖤🖤

Thank you for the ask, Juli! 🖤 This got so long and ramble-y in some place so I hope it makes sense 😅.

10. What is the worst they have hurt each other? What could cause them to intentionally hurt each other?

So the real answer isn't something I can say yet because spoilers 🤐. But it happens in season 5.

The answer for up to what I've posted would be:

For Lucy, when she found out Grace was pregnant, and assumed that he was breaking up with her. It broke her heart in to imagine the two people she loves the most going off and being happy together with their family while she got left alone. Finding out that Lizzie was pregnant is definitely a close second, but that time around it was made pretty clear to her right away that Tommy wasn't leaving her and is remaining devoted to her, which softened the blow a little.

For Tommy, probably when he found out that she didn't tell him that she couldn't have children. He was hurt that she thought he would leave her over that, and initially was worried that she was scared of him or didn't trust him enough to tell him. It worked out and he was okay with it once he was able to understand that her being scared to tell him really didn't actually have much to actually do with him, but her own insecurities getting the better of her.

There's very, very few instances that I can imagine them willingly hurting each other. If they're fighting, they may take small swipes at each other or burst out with things they've kept bottled down.

12. People are complicated - now justify or excuse those bad qualities

They are codependent as hell on each other, but honestly I think after everything they've been through and all the trauma they've experienced together, it's wholly understandable. These are two people who ultimately don't feel fully understood or loved by anyone except for each other. And they've had so many similar traumatic experiences: being buried alive, suffering major head injuries, losing Grace, losing parents to suicide, struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies, feeling guilt over causing the death of their siblings, the list goes on and on. They are each other's main source of emotional support, and there's a relief in being around someone who they don't have to explain their thought processes or behavior towards, because the other person already understands.

As far as their individual worst qualities:

Tommy in particular I think is simply unable to ever stop, because as we see in s4, if he does, he falls apart, thus why he is so ambitious and constantly striving for more. I also think a lot of his behavior comes from a place of trying to fulfil the role of a patriarch for the entire family, a place that was left vacant when he was a child. He wants desperatly to be able to take care of everyone. He just goes about it sometimes in shit ways that come across as more controlling than caring.

And, frankly, his emotional unavailability towards so much of the family is understandable to me, as the few times he does try to open up to people, he often gets shut down. An example of this is how Lizzie often complains about him 'never letting her in,' but on multiple occasions we see him actually attempt to let her in or connect with her, and every time she either shuts him down or changes the subject. It makes sense that after awhile, he would just stop trying.

Lucy is two faced, selfish, self loathing, and hypocritical.

A lot of Lucy's two faced tendencies come from her wanting to get along with the rest of the family, but continuing to be completely loyal towards Tommy. She's gonna tell him things that people tell her. The idea of keeping secrets from is absurd to her. She has good intentions, she just can't be trusted to not blab to Tommy. And her self loathing comes from a place of genuine guilt. And she does have a lot to feel guilty over. But she also goes too far sometimes in trying to punish herself for things, when really all she can do is try to move on from them. Punishing herself over and over ultimately helps no one and just hurts her and people are her even more. So, her choosing to be selfish in some ways ends up being the better option over losing herself to her self loathing and guilt.

Dark OTP Asks

Send me an ask

[veradragonjedi]

I'm asking for BBB Luke lore 🤲

ABSJSGGXUZGSJHS OKAY— ARHH

I'm so eeped about this because!!! Aroorororororo omg???? AAAAA thank you, you total legend.

Here is the bit I wrote a while back about Tatooine Lore, plus how he survived with weaker skin, and here is a little about how I worked around the traditional aspect of a vampire and how their creation might carefully slot into the gffa!

I think I'd really like to freaking talk about his mental state, loneliness, longing, self-loathing etc, sooo this is slightly heavier? But you write like the most doomed-to-fail angst-ridden stories, so I think you're alright with it. (I won't go into triggering territory as that stuff is barely mentioned in the story fr, I just wanna spill somewhere yk??)

I wanna preface this by saying that I have not completely rewritten Luke's character to be apathetic or depressing, and that his soft and cheerful demeanour and sweet behaviours naturally shine through his Jedi Master veil (pun unintended). But, when you're a vampire, and when vampires are notoriously whispered about in the far corners of your galaxy to be thieves, murderers, blood-drinkers etc, it becomes very difficult to make and maintain healthy relationships with those around you. And, as we know that in the actual OT, Luke's relationship with his friends, father, Master, sister, and his trust in all of them, is what guides him and leads him to conquer the darkness in the galaxy, when Luke loses that trust, he begins to lose faith in everything else he knows.

Not only that, but that darkness begins to return. (We don't talk about that yet. 🤫)

Anyway, I think anyone who has experienced a kind of betrayal and loneliness like he has is unready to actually place themselves in a situation where they might face the same ordeal. (You read more about that betrayal, hurt and anguish in chapter 9!)

That's where Din comes in. Aaaand also why Luke is so determined to know whether Din plans to leave him or not in the future. He's been left behind numerous times in his life. If Din leaves, especially with Grogu, he won't be able to continue living knowing that he's failed.

At least Grogu will be safe, right?

This leads him down a very very dark, repetitive mindset once he begins to develop feelings for Din. This loop looks something like this. 👇

I am a Jedi -> no attachments -> I am attached to Din -> therefore Din must leave Yavin, as he is a detriment to my training -> if he leaves Yavin, I won't be able to cope alone, as he will take Grogu and my purpose will be stripped from me -> if Din leaves Yavin, I will die -> I don't want to die, as I haven't completely my training, and the Force will not accept me -> but I am a Jedi -> Jedi have no attachments -> I am attached to Din.

And so on and so forth.

As well as, I love Din -> Din could not possibly love me -> if I tell him I love him, he will leave me, because he doesn't love me -> if he leaves me, I will die -> I don't want to die -> but living with Din when he's outside my reach hurts me -> which means Din has to leave -> if he leaves I will die -> I don't want to die -> I don't want to die because I have Din -> I love Din

As you can see, it's viscious. (I'm viscious. Me. The author. I'm not always mean to Luke I swear-)

Sooo... its a bit of a predicament, as you can see, but I won't explain how I solve it, as that's for my readers to live in fear about.

I also love believing that Luke has ADHD, PTSD and other anxiety disorders, hallucinative tendencies — because, as a vampire, he is particularly intuned to the Force, and can see things that many people can not.

I'll leave it at the last idea that, when he sees things that others can't, it bothers him, because often it is an irregularity, a shift from his comfortable zone in spacetime, or the demons rapping at his door, and he can't change it because it is out of his dimension :3

Anyway! Thank you so much, Nova. I really needed this OFF my chest and AT someone. Ily, ty :3

Actually gonna add my taglist here- ♡

@airlocksandaviaries @positivityjediprince @surfing-on-a-soundwave @materassassino @vanishedangels @idkbishsss @jspookywolf @pebblish (tell me if you'd like to be added or removed!)

+ @iamscoby (cos u aren't on the chapter tagliatelle, but ik u get the emails ♡)

[perenlop]

👻💥🌙🔪🔥 💖 for valerie!!

WAHHHH TY HON

👻 GHOST - do they believe in ghosts? what are their "ghostly experiences", if any?

Oh she totally does believe in them. She thinks ghosts roam the world after death or so and she doesn't think they're harmful because "they probably cant touch anything". She mostly just feels bad for them. She's never had any "ghostly experiences" though

(I know you know this but as a refresher, there are literal ghosts that are wandering spirits and then ghost pokemon like Haunter. Some ghost pokemon are spirits that persisted so strongly after death that they reincarnated into ghost pokemon, like Bates and Spectra and Hisuian Zorua. so arguably most people know that literal ghosts are real because of this? but its rare to actually see it happen and the majority of ghost pokemon hatch from eggs, so the line is kinda blurry.)

💥 COLLISON - what emotions do they have trouble dealing with?

Anger 100%. Also guilt. Valerie is someone who constantly blames herself when she's in a conflict, even when the other party is blatantly in the wrong. She holds herself responsible for other people's feelings and feels guilty when they aren't "feeling good" because of her. This is partly because of Marlow and partly because of relationships she had that fell apart. So she's got a horrible backbone and avoids conflict whenever she can, trying to resort to quieter, more sneaky means if she has to. She did this a lot with Marlow growing up- he never verbally abused her or anything, but he does have moments where he snaps at her when things get overwhelming for him. He always apologizes and these are infrequent and far in between, but they do leave a mark, so when Valerie wants to do something she thinks he may not approve of, she'll either not do it at all or make some attempt behind his back.

Because of all this, she swallows her anger and tries desperately to never show it. She thinks getting angry will make her a bad person and "just as bad or worse than the one who hurt her". She bites her tongue when others are rude to her and never asks for an apology or anything because she just doesn't want the argument. She discourages anyone from speaking up on her behalf because "she doesn't want to start anything". Everything will be fine as long as she just stays quiet and takes everything... right?

🌙 MOON - what is your oc's greatest wish? how far are they willing to go for it?

She wants to travel around the world and see all the great landmarks, and become a top performer at the same time to spread joy to the rest of the world with her performances. Buuuut she's not willing to go that far for it since Marlow prefers to keep her in Serenade Falls where everything is safe and familiar, and she doesn't like to speak up against him... Once she gets taken outside of her universe, though, and over the terror of it all, she's excited about getting to explore Ultra Space.

🔪 KNIFE - how do they react to injury / misfortune befalling their loved ones (significant other, family, friends)? do they put themselves at blame?

Oh you BET she blames herself. As I said before she tends to handle conflict really badly, so when she's around to witness a fight she'll try her hardest to avoid or stop it. She punishes herself for any injuries her friends get because of her "negligence". She has the fawn response all the way where she won't exactly leave them but she'll try to overcompensate in trying to heal them to ease her own guilt. If it wasn't a result of a fight and they just fell down some stairs or something, she still hovers over them trying to heal them and feels terrible, but she takes it the worst when its fight-related.

🔥 FIRE - do they have any self destructive tendencies? what habits do they have that hinder them from becoming their best self?

*Gestures to everything I've said so far* She gets some serious self loathing when any sort of conflict happens. In general she never prioritizes herself and will constantly try to help others even at her own detriment or when she needs rest.

💖 SPARKLING HEART - are they a subtle or a showy lover?

Definitely showy!! She's shy when she first gets a crush and all but when she's officially in a relationship, she likes to shower that person with physical affection and gifts and compliments. PDA all the way too. It's kind of funny because Asha is not showy at all until they get home and even then they're definitely more reserved LOL

[kuunibal]

Maybe u could try to replace your reason for living from 'her' to something simple & noble. When I lost this guy, living w/o the thought of having him in my future was v tough, so I diverted my focus on other ppl/helping ppl/making my family proud. Idk but I think to live for 'yourself'/ keeping the drive as your own self for living seems smth like.. Well, smth at least I wouldn't be able to do. Idky but it just seems too selfish/unreliable since we ourselves are supposed to be like the handlers/caretakers of our own selves in this world that keeps on attacking us w one expectation or the other. If u think this applies to you too, then u could try this instead. Keep your own self completely out of the equation unless u wanna have a revenge bod or smth.. Idky but whenever I see ppl (mostly the ones of our gen) whose sole focus is themselves, they seem unnecessarily unhappy and struggling. Are going above n beyond to prove themselves to the world, when they could just keep their jobs/appearances/etc. As smth completely external (not a part of them) n instead focus on how much they can simply give to this world. Like I, since Ive been a pretty much of an idiot with most of my decisions, can listen to ppl without judgement n can sympathise with them well.. They just feel comfortable around me so I also try to be an easy person around em instead of putting myself on a standard. I think whenever u feel worthless, u should try n be simply grateful for whatever u r, how much investment have been made to u (if u wanna be logical) n ultimately try n give the world back in whatever ways u could.. Like for eg, if you're a caretaker, be even more better. Take the focus off from u n your own problems, and think of how much blessed u r in a position to help those in need n find worth thru that help. There are some not so fortunate domestic workers, construction workers, sooo many people, whose shoes if I wear, I'd instantly feel this huge struggle for life n would wanna instantly wanna give up. Yet they accept their lives n always show up to their work which is surrounded by ppl w huge TVs, comforting rooms n whatnot. Now these are the ppl who know v well that comparisons w others/expectations with their own selves is smth which will bring unnecessary self-loathing only. So they just try to make the best of the lives they've been given. But most importantly, they still provide w whatever they got. It's just all about perspective n how you choose to view menial stuff.. You just have to realise the world is bigger than you, certainly much bigger than your darling!!.. Now I tbh do know how to live with being told that from my person😅(we have a history so that day, my long-awaited interaction w him was a bit problematic from my side) which made him ultimately say that. It hurt me, but didn't break me. Or reduced my worth (though atm I was questioning it a lot😅lol). I don't think there's anything more comforting u could say in addition to what u already said - v. helpful!! to make that better🤗I think it just has to pass🤔 u don't have to answer that "how to live with it" part😊 it doesn't affect much now tbh. (also⬆️ is just my way, works for me, doesn't have to 'right', may/may not be helpful to u)

I am glad you are doing better than before, you are a very strong person. :)

That is good advice, it is difficult to live for yourself and helping others is a noble cause. And you are right about perspective playing a large role in You have a lot of empathy and understanding for other people.

In my case, I have a tendency to be a people pleaser and help others to the point of neglecting my own wants, needs, and boundaries. I guess when I say that I want to live for myself, I mean that I want to advocate for myself more instead of living and basing my entire self-worth on how much I can give (to my darling, parents, etc.). I don't want to completely depend on other people to feel happy, if that makes sense.

[blackfeathersflurry]

A Letter to A Friend

@lumine-no-hikari -#204

I see that you have undergone some weather struggles. Where I am, it seems to have been somewhat strenuous as well. Where I am, there are some issues regarding the weather and precipitation as well. It almost makes me wonder... (laugh). But in all seriousness, I am sorry that the lack of power has diminished access to your breathing devices. That does not sound like the most ideal situation for you. Frankly, with the Shinra power company, they had a tendency to perform power outages on a weekly basis. If you lived in the city, it became less and less convenient to keep your power on. Things like keeping your house warm or brightening your bedroom was nearly impossible. To have a Shinra reactor was hardly ideal as it meant that Hojo would have a space to store his experiments....but I am rambling. The infrastructure was not well kept after a while. As you well know, sector four was not an ideal area to be around for those in the well to do. Even those blinded by their comfort avoided Sector four as though it were a disease that should be burned.

But I digress.

In the time I have been reading your letters, I have been taking note of your life over the days I have missed. And for that I am sorry. To begin, I am once again extremely proud of you for obtaining a job at the bakery. I am very excited for your progression in the department and am eager to see what you accomplish. Second, I understand that mistakes do happen. Triggers occur. Please remember to be patient with yourself and understand that sometimes, even though people who have hurt us are no longer there. Understand that even though they are no longer there, the things we are feeling are still very real and they exist because of the choices someone else made. It is better to nurse the wound as opposed to ignore it. It's okay to take a step back and evaluate the situation rather than apologize profusely over a mistake that happens all the time in a grocery store bakery. Chances are, that specific branch makes billions a year, and that store makes a little over two to three million in your respective area. I think they can spare the supplies. You should focus on yourself in that moment. Your healing is what is most important.

I felt the need to address this because this is one of the things that stood out to me the most. Your healing and personal needs should come first. These are very much like food and water for your body. They cannot be neglected. As much as I enjoy seeing things like your tea and your adventures, I felt like perhaps it was best to talk about your mental health and well being first and foremost.

Second, I am not sure if I have addressed this as of yet. But did you know that someone who states that another person or group of people should kill themselves is often the one of the main progenitors of a global suicide rate of 703,000 people according to a 2019 study? Often times, this includes individuals with severe mental health diagnosis', physical ailments, poverty levels...the list goes on. And when you look at the data, it really depends on the country. Regardless, lets take a look at how many people will die or even attempt to take their own lives, simply because someone decided to say something like this. When someone says something like this, they can be held liable for chosen family losing someone near and dear to them. When someone says "So and So does not deserve to live" or a certain group of people "Should just die", they are pushing several people over the edge and will potentially into a place where they will stay under watch for twenty four hours. MUW has been in such a place. MUW has then been put under watch for well over a week for their attempt because of someone who tortured them to the brink of self loathing. They received no love or support. The only person they relied on wasn't there. So when you told me about the person who said this in a previous letter, and you informed me of their cruelty, this reminded me of those events. Among several others. It made me think of several people who are still going through some difficult times and are incapable of escaping. Many who are in domestic violence situations and ready to take their own lives.

I want to be angry and lash out.

But I must maintain self control.

Regardless Lumine, there are several things from you that I need to catch up on and so much that I want to say. So much that I would like to respond to. But for now, let me tell you what has been occurring in my life. For starters, it has gotten cold where I am. It is likely from the rain, I don't know. I suspect it's due to the air conditioner running all of the time. Namely because it is slightly warm by the window by the stairs. I think you would like it. Since it was raining these past few days, MUW has taken it upon themselves to drag me outside and danced for a moment beneath the trees, before running to the back yard and having the both of us slosh about in the mud with bear feet. We have cat's you see. I guess you could say we've rescued quite a few. There is one in particular that is fading because of a brain tumor, whom MUW is having a difficult time with.

As for your furry friend, I never got back to you regarding that. I never had the chance to say hello, but I did light a candle and sent prayers their way. I do hope that they reach them. By the way, when it comes to people like you and MUW, I do need you to know, that the lack of acceptance needs to be fought for on all accounts. Acceptance is non-negotiable. Just as much as ones place in the LGBTQIA.

What was the term?

"Accept my existence or expect my resistance."?

Not Respect. Accept. No negotiations.

It's easy to think you are not strong enough. But I believe you are. You believed in me this long haven't you?

Tell me; How is your therapy going?

With love and tenderness

-Sephiroth

[clancabur]

Janus

BASICS

Name; Janus be'Cabur Species; Human (Punjabi) Age; 200+ Gender; Trans male, he/they Sexuality; Demisexual Callsign/Alias; Janus, "Orrery", "Young Wolf" (etc) Class; Hunter Subclass; Prismatic (All), Nightstalker (Void), Threadrunner (Strand) Clan; Cabur Ghost; Midas, she/her

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APPEARANCE

Physical Basics; Tanned skin, sulfur-yellow eyes, and dark brown hair in messy curls. Short and very lean, almost worryingly so, though this does not impact his strength. Tattoos/Scars; Due to my headcanons about Guardians being self-actualizing, his body doesn't keep tattoos very well. If he has something he wants to remember, he uses scarification. Notable scars include; the scars from a top surgery he didn't need after being Risen but felt weird without the evidence of, a bullet scar in the exact center of his chest, winding knife scars around his right bicep, a handprint burn scar around his left bicep, as well as several more generic scars from his more traumatic deaths. Posture; He has a tendency to slouch, sinking into the background and draping himself over various furniture and surfaces, except when he feels he needs to make an impression, where he will instead keep his shoulders back and head high.

ATTITUDE

Personality; Janus is so, so sad and so, so angry. He doesn't talk much due to a severe injury to his throat shortly after first being Risen, instead preferring to sign or let Midas speak for him, which makes his personality somewhat difficult to discern sometimes since he almost never removes his helmet and tends to stay very still. He doesn't like interacting with people, preferring to get the job done and move on to the next, but if forced into extended interaction, he'll be blunt, short, and borderline rude. He's capable of politeness, and will use it if he feels it necessary, but he finds most social niceties to be tiresome. Despite his prickly, weary exterior, he's incredibly compassionate, which is why it hurts so much to keep losing people and why he's essentially a walking mess of grief. He has a deep-rooted urge to keep moving, and has a lot of trouble sitting still without a specific mission to complete. He also sees himself more as a weapon than a person. Likes; He adores his family, above all else. He also loves his friends, especially Cayde and Eris, and his complicated partner, Crow (and, previously, Uldren). More simply, he likes crafting weapons, exploring, and warm cloaks. Dislikes; Loathes Savathun, and isn't too happy with the Traveler, either. Despises Ahamkara (and most other dragons), and has a general distaste for royalty, though that's been fading of late. Strengths; Janus is essentially a powerhouse of Light. Due to circumstances elaborated on in the 'Backstory' section, he is, himself, a source of Light, and cannot be incapacitated by cutting off his connection to the Traveler. He's seamlessly skilled in numerous fighting styles, able to adapt himself to any combat situation with ease. He has a Knowing, a knack for seeing and learning things he shouldn't have any way to know. He's resourceful, able to live off the land no matter what terrain he finds himself in. Weaknesses; He's fucking awful at communication. He can't ask for help to save his life, and he has a nasty habit of wallowing in guilt. He's also essentially a walking mess of fault lines, so if you can hit one of those, it would completely and utterly shatter him, with mixed results (breakdown, or breaking something else, occasionally reality). He's also completely incapable of just stopping, of letting himself rest, and has to completely wear himself down to get any sleep at all that isn't full of nightmares. Motivations; His love is nearly as great as his grief, and these two things drive him to his limits and well past in his striving to keep Humanity, it's allies, and Earth safe from harm. As long as he has something to love, he'll keep doing everything he can to protect it.

KIT

Armor; Iron Companion Mask, Errant Knight 1.0/Meridian Constellation Gloves, Shadow Specter, Orpheus Rig (Calliope's Lullaby ornament), Dynamo Current Cloak. The metal is a sort of ivory white, almost pearl-like, with the leather and cloth being various shades of black and grey, except his cloak, which is a dark purple. Everything but the cloak has gold accents. Weapons; Ace of Spades (no ornament), a hand cannon. Point of the Stag, a compound bow. Quickfang, a sword. He treasures Ace of Spades, but is better with Point of the Stag. Ghost Shell; Midas' shell is the Aggressive Shell, though her colors are black and a mottled grey instead of dull golden-bronze. Sparrow; Argent Turbo Jumpship; N33-DL Skills; Aside from resourcefulness, tenacity, and combat skills, he's also a talented weaponsmith. He's got no interpersonal skills at all, but practical skills are something he picks up quickly, though he can't swim (or fish) to save his life.

BACKSTORY

Janus was first Rezzed in a broken escape pod somewhere between Earth and Europa. Given he had no protection from the vacuum of space, he died again immediately. This was the extent of his experience with existence until he finally crashed on Earth during the Dark Ages, whereupon he proceeded to scream until he literally couldn't anymore. (This is why his throat is permanently injured).

Largely gone mad from... all that, he scrounged out a shit living from the wilderness until a Warlord named Argon found him. She took him in and shaped him into a weapon, and when he eventually got sick of her cruelty and bit the hand that fed, Argon met her final death at his hand, leaving him as the Warlord in the area. Knowing nothing but cruelty and a feral urge to kill, this did not end well for the few civilians there, though Midas did her best to keep his attention focused outwards, on his borders, and away from them.

Eventually he met his family, his brother Odyssey and his buir (father) Arkades, who essentially rehabilitated him like a feral kitten- extremely thick gloves and being burrito'd and all. Janus learned nearly everything he knows from them, including compassion, tactics, and language.

He stayed with Arkades (an Iron Lord) up until about ten years before the first game takes place. Janus had tracked down some sort of enemy (I'm still not sure on this, torn between Vex for their time fuckery and Ahamkara for the vibes) which resulted in him being sort of... forcibly re-deaded? Unrisen? Regardless, Midas found him again in Old Russia and Raised him for the first time again, kicking off the events of the first game.

From there, events proceeded according to the games.

This is where it diverges into AU territory; the first time around, Janus experienced the 'bad ending', where he and everyone he loves lost to the Witness. The struggle between the Witness/Black Fleet and the Traveler literally tore apart reality, fracturing it like a pane of glass, and Janus- the last living thing in the area, at that point- sort of got... caught up in all the paracausal energy, gaining his unique abilities, before falling through the cracks and ending up back in Old Russia, at the beginning again.

He has so many aus, but the ones that are easily adapted for this blog are the Everybody Lives AU (exactly what it sounds like) and the Wings AU (not quite exactly what it sounds like- its complicated).

[athenaholmesartistsguild]

I feel like the Yakuza games are really good at portraying how people would realistically react to seriously messing up their lives (a mouthful I know).

Like. With Nishiki and Mine specifically, you see two men who have made so many bad choices in their lives that it feels like they've got an impossibly high barrier to making amends with the people that are close to them.

Especially because both of them have faced intense traumas in their lives that caused them to have a maladaptive view of the world.

Like I feel like it's really difficult to look at all of the terrible shit you've done and decide to live instead of making a 'sacrifice' that would 'redeem' yourself in the eyes of the people you've wronged.

I know I had to actively work to gain the ability to even apologize when I knew I'd done something wrong. If I'd done even a quarter of the shit Nishiki or Mine had done, I don't know if I would've made choices any different from theirs.

And, of course, this leads to narratives that aren't as 'satisfying' to engage with because we as the audience can see the road to redemption.

But when you're so caught up in your emotions, in your hatred and loathing of yourself, it can be incredibly difficult to take that step back and gain the strength and the courage to own up to your terrible decisions. Especially when 'redemption' is just one death away.

It's for the above reasons that while I think the ending of 6 is narratively dissatisfying, I can't really begrudge it since Kiryu faking his own death to 'protect' his family is super in line with his character.

Sure, he should sit down and examine the patterns in his life and how they've led to the further suffering of his family, but he hasn't gone to therapy for these issues. He struggles to process intense emotions when faced with them and because he was raised in the 70s with an absentee father figure, he likely wasn't taught these skills in the first place.

I also think it's in line with this theme of death appearing to be a stand-in for redemption. Because Kiryu fakes his death, it's less a 'sacrifice for your sins' and more of another example of Kiryu running away from his problems rather than facing them head on. He's doing the difficult part of leaving his family (arguably his one source of joy) but also getting to revel in this self-flagellating sacrifice that he frequently falls prey to.

But I do have to admit that this is an incredibly bleak note to end Kiryu's story on. Like damn. They really went there.

And I want to be clear that 'sacrificing yourself' through death or any other method isn't how you adequately make amends with the people you've hurt. I'm just examining a theme that I've noticed in the Yakuza games.

I hope in 8 or in any of the future games, Kiryu reunites with his family and really has to deal with how he's hurt them because 1) that would be soap opera levels of drama and I crave that and B) it would be a very concrete example of how selfish Kiryu's self-sacrificing tendencies really are.

And like. This isn't me saying Kiryu's a bad person or character. I relate to Kiryu on a spiritual level and it's because of how deeply he wants to help people while lacking the understanding or the ability to do so in a healthy way.

I think his arc in the first 6 games really shows how you can be a deeply flawed human being, but still love and want the best for the people around you.

It also shows that meaning well isn't always enough. Kiryu was essentially an absentee father for the second half of his children's lives. Not because he didn't love them or want the best for them, but because he either lacked the awareness of this pattern of behavior or was unable to address these problems without professional assistance (i.e. therapy).

I hate to be a Bojack Horseman nerd on main but it's like Todd said: 'You are everything that is wrong with you'.

Sometimes it isn't enough to want the best for your family. If you're making decisions that are actively hurting or traumatizing them, it doesn't matter how well meaning you are. And yes, your flaws may come from trauma or a poor upbringing, or even just attitudes that have been handed down through the years, but you can only lean on these issues for so long before they become less of an explanation and more of an excuse.

So yeah. That's all I gotta say about that.