#self care ig lmao
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ughhhhhhhhh the hardest part about my grad classes atm isn't actually the work or whatever, it will get done no matter what I know that...it's sitting in a classroom for THREE HOURS talking about equity and education with a room full of people that have so much drama and history between them that you can feel it, and one of which is consistently playing oppression olympics and trauma dumping every chance she gets. The emotional labor is just!!!!!!!!
#this is me ranting bc my friends have heard enough about it this week#but every time i get out of class im so exhausted the day is over#also realizing tonight that some times its literally triggering lol#and it's just ridiculous im paying to go through this lmaooo#anyway#going to continue my criminal minds rewatch with some emotional support Chinese food i jsut ordered and ignore the world for a little#self care ig lmao
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I don't know what this is all I know is that LimL Joel makes me really emotional
#I know he has a tendency to go deranged on his red lives but idk something about him beginning to lose it after Jimmy died and killing Grian#joel smallishbeans#smallishbeans fanart#trafficblr#Again its his red life shenanigans but... If only Jimmy had known how affected someone was by his death. I'm choosing to believe this#and him then going out like a sad pathetic wet cat even with Grian's sacrifice... He really deserves a win one of these days lmao please#Also I cant stop thinking about how Jimmy wouldn't have left him. Grian was sensible to and most players probs would have#Joel really does become a lost cause so its fair and Grian did still care (and went to say goodbye as well as sacrifice his time for him)#But Jimmy would have stuck by even if Joel were in this state (and they'd both get themselves killed pathetically but)#And Joel having shown such genuine care for Jimmy and concern over his limited time... man anything w Jimmy makes me so emotional lol#I love them so#oh Ig about the art itself. I dont like it but hey thats how it tends to go when you try smth new. And no shame in trying#but if one person likes this then yayy I will still feel accomplished and happy#Im looking at this again and hey its not that bad actually yay I love to approve of my own art. self love hell yea#tubby art
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Ash via Perola Navarro's IG Story
#yes i accidentally screamed when i clicked on this we really don't need to talk about it#5sos#5 seconds of summer#ashton irwin#ashton#instagram#other ig#kh4f post#he is just sooooooo#ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 👹👹👹👹👹🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️🤸🏻♀️😭😭😀😀🥰🤩🥲😘🤪🫠💅🏻#so that's that on that#he sure has a face#it definitely has lips#and a chin that sure has a dimple#that's the last tag actually I can't do this actually#have i mentioned yet today that i got like 2 hours of sleep last night lmao#so I'm definitely in the right place to process this#godddddddd#i think in the name of self care i need to commit myself to writing again these feelings need to go somewhere jfc 💆🏻♀️
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not afraid of oc posting anymore <3 (person who is still afraid of oc posting </3)
#i'm like oh no what if ppl i don't know don't like the random guy who exists only in my head. ahhhh#wish i didn't care so much bc other ppl don't but unfortunately i am too self aware and i DO care. very much#me saying this like i wasn't ranking his names last night & posting shirtless pics of him lmao#.......... and then i logged out of tumblr and went to sleep out of sheer embarrassment of talking on him on his blog#normally i don't feel weird talking ab ocs other than eldon bc i love him so much it feels odd sharing him ig#but new guy has given me the brainrot and now i feel annoying about him too. can't win i fear#and when ppl talk to me about him and remember things i mentioned about him i'm like ''oh ppl actually pay attention... huh''#bc i feel annoying. i genuinely want to talk about him forever rn but i think it'd be annoying if i did#can i be normal. can i please be normal. can i stop feeling annoying and stupid over anything i like#then my brain says no and i'm like oh ok </3
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chat, i did it i finally broke up with my partner
#vark posts#did it back on monday#figured id update for those of yall that were so supportive lmao#i read all those messages i got before i did it#im honestly like completely fine#i was pretty fucked the first convo but ig i just needed to process which made the finalizing convo so much easier#was pretty emotionally exhausted for the next like 24hrs after but im just chillin now#yall were right its def a big relief lmao#its just a little awkward now since we live together but at least its not just us two here#i havent been single since dec 2020 since my first 2 relationships were unfortunately back to back lmao#they werent nearly as bad as my first relationship but it was like trying to force together two puzzle pieces that didnt fit#which made a lot of things pretty frustrating#another win for self care#ty again to those of yall that were so nice abt it even if it was just consistently liking the vent posts of me losing my mind lmao :^)
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my ship with C/able has to be my defining life achievement thus far
#the way I'm obsessed with my own lore it may as well have been canon. to me.#I am extremely lucky to be able to say this but cable/josh brolin strongly reminds me of 2020 in a really idyllic way#like okay last time I felt free and unhindered enough to dream and imagine. ig I will be running back to his old ass forever now#I still find myself thinking what would cable tell me to do cause I fully trust his imagined advice and comforting presence lmao#LIKEEEE that's daddy. Sorry. ig this is like a comfort character to me. play how to disappear lana del rey#I just gotta imagine him and I feel so safe taken care of and supported like tension GONE#f/o:cable#see I was JUST 2-3 months into the josh brolin thing when the pandemic happened. ig the rest is uhhh.... what you see here#I had the josh brolin + lana del rey brain augmentation procedure (self performed) weirdly enough kinda mom and dad
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they/themavos real
#the dragon prince#lgbt#aaravos#i know tumblr hates chat ai but personally i enjoy it it amuses me#im also going into computer science so like#u can view me as The Enemy if you want ig#but#idk personally i feel yeah#publishing ai writing for a profit anywhere is totally wrong#and underpaying/overworking workers#but being a little silly and goofy with the chat bots#without feeding it anyone else’s writing#that’s coolio#yk basically there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed#it’s like any sort of technological advancement. it can be used for good but also to cause harm in the wrong hands. arcane tv series moment#but you can’t deny the advance it doesn’t rlly care if you do or not lmao#unsolicited rant yk but here u go#self spaghettification#😘#original post#tag rant#it’s a tool. like anything else#it’s good not to become too reliant on it though#its a tool with a lot of possibility :)#i do have some of that guilt going into cs like am i selling my soul to the devil?…. i mean maybe#but also automating things is nice. making advancements is nice#so yk. ultimately i think it’s best to be a well rounded person with both scientific and humanitarian intent in mind#and im open about basically every facet of myself good or bad lol
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I'm so eepy RAAAAHHH
#anyway gonna just throw Doppio at you#it's a thing. he's tired and wants to be cared for the same way someone would treat a sick person#but lmao guess who's gonna go over that dude's face and help him out? yeah no. Absolutly nobody#idk how the thing works/worked#but he wants to lock himself in his house and lay down in a burrito blanket#and#not work for the day#tldr: he wants a break#AAAANYWAY since he hates everybody nobody wants to get that close to him unless it's for the funni#so HAHAHAHAH SUFFER POOR CHARACTER OF MINE#also he's surprisingly polite. like yes will tell someone to do the self blergh but will not allow himself to yell EVER#E V E R#hmm what more stuff can I give about him#anyway idk asks allowed or something ig for “what would he do if” “how does he act when/if” or “what if” or just idk opinions of this???#i don't know it's almost 12AM so whatever is cool for me lol#I'll be going to sleep after writing this I think#Yeah. Yep i'm eepy i'll wake up and check if this has anything or my inbox or idk#goodnight everybody i'll go to the discord in a second!!
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it should've been totally obvious due to my actual usage of tumblr, but i completely forgot how Deeply Uncool i was at 17 🙃
#i only have 2 mutuals left who remember me from ye olden tymes but goddamn.#met and talked with a young nb today at the pride center and followed them on ig to plug the community block party on friday#that i'm performing at with the choir (<- also not cool. very geeky 🤓)#but they have? fashion sense? elevated tastes?#i had musicals and panic at the disco#(kill me)#but tbf they are a minecrafter which makes me Feel Olde even though people my age and older play it idk#i have a complex about it#i was somehow very angsty very geeky and very pretentious as a teenager. all at once. the drama of it all.#Anyway. there are pics of me at 17-18 on here still for sure. lmao. if you even care. dm me and i'll send the link#(the curse of my real life existence be upon ye)#ALSO LAMENTING MY HAIR LOSS.#<- realized i've ALWAYS been self-conscious about my hairline now just for an entirely different reason!!#404 not found
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It’s strange, I’m used to hyperfixating hard on things like HARD (beats my 2yr long beetlejuice musical obsession back with a stick) but Starbreaker- not even fantasy high itself took me over to the point of feeling like a teen about. Like I haven’t had this much fun in fandom in years. I haven’t like- interacted with people this much in fandom in years (which is still not enough but if I beat myself up about social interaction again I’ll jump off a cliff)
But there’s never been a concern of like “this obsession won’t fade for a while but it’ll lose popularity” and that’s fine and surprisingly it hasn’t. But it is different. It’s like adapting to it constantly as the thing itself changes even when there are aspects that you’d like to stay the same. Like that ‘I don’t go to this school of thought, but I’ll still take the class bc it’s interesting’ sorta thing.
And then there’s that feeling of WANTING to contribute but the thing has become such a beast that it’s like oooh I’m so out of my depths here.
Also like constantly having to look myself in the eye and be like ‘bitch you don’t have to talk or contribute to EVERYTHING’ and the sooner I accept that and accept that it is what it is, ill miss things, I won’t get enjoyment out of every aspect and every aspect isn’t for me and that that isn’t a bad thing, I’ll stop having moments of feeling weird and out of place. I have my lil corner and that’s okay
#ngl I think the biggest ‘culture shock’ ig about being in fandom is that tagging systems have changed so much or something bc I’m used to#walking in a tag and that’s where you find everything#but now it’s different#things are tagged wayyy differently and it means missing things or setting aside time to go down a list to check every blog#I dunno#I always feel a little weird about main tagging sb stuff now bc I’ll check the tag and it’s like oh? things are slowing down#but it’s like nooo bc of tagging and different lanes entirely I’m just missing stuff#idk what this is I’m just talking but it’s strange#I think I’m bad at fandom and that defeats the purpose of it bc it’s recreational#it’s supposed to be fun.#it’s /supposed/ to be fun#I saw a post the other day of someone that’s in this purely for Jace and having similar feelings of being out of the loop and it got me#thinking bc on some part I’ve contributed to it and I’ve probably clogged tags#but the lizard part of my brain that gets the dopamine boost from getting a note is like if I don’t main tag it won’t be seen#but truly either way I am mostly talking to myself lmao#so yah know? idk it should be fun#idk what this is and idk if I’ll fully ever commit to a different/quieter tagging system#bc tumblr is the place I got to scream and be annoying without being told it’s too much and some how I’ve convinced myself that on my own#blog and fandom spaces I enjoy that I’m just annoying#and I don’t wanna think that#I think I’m tired. like hyperfixation hasn’t died but the part of me that’s hungry for being completely consumed by it is tired#my one fear is that I’ll be so annoying that my fic will finish and no one will care#which isn’t true bc I’ll care until the bitter end lmao#idk I’ve talked so much that I’m like oh I’ve done the thing again I should shut up#also this is too like- self focused way too self focused#which just makes it worse bc then I’m like that’s what got me in this mess#but goddamn there’s just so much shit I’m missing out on and interactions I’d like to have but about things that I’m out of my depths on#so it made fandom a little lonely and a little secular#feeling like a kid on the outs#I want that feeling to die especially about the things I love
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my blog my hobby my fun times idc but also i always feel the need to justify this ongoing arc of clark because it's just so...relationship based. and yeah a lot is romance because, let's be frank here and be real, that's a good chunk of the rpc's motivations and wants and it's the easiest to get. but it's also friends and found family, kindred spirits, etc. but he's transitioning into a very heavy emphasis on actual, meaningful connections and yeeeeah it's been a natural path here and yeah it makes sense from a writing standpoint for a muse i've had since like 2012.
like clark's initial arc was yearning for this sort of stuff and not being allowed and then we moved into him actively avoiding it and now we've moved sort of into the 'fuck it. fucked up healing arc' period where he's letting himself feel and love in all senses of the word.
and it all makes sense to me because i've been here through it all but i can just imagine new people stumbling to my blog and seeing hella smut or romance shit or wooby-wubby shit or what's supposed to be this big bad villain making bffs and being turned off or worse thinking i'm just the person for easy shipping or smut shit and writing off clark completely as an individual and that kinda sucks but yKNOW it is what it is
#iDK THIS IS JUST RAMBLING LMAO#i cant control how my muse is perceived and ig i wish i didnt care and i mostly DONT most days#but it just sucks i worry AT ALL that doing casual shit and focusing less on#action centric plotted stuff and more on dynamic building is going to make ppl disregard me or write me off#or target me for self gratifying shit etc idk idk idk im chill im chillin!!!#its just like for every silly Clark in Ships posts i want to make i hesitate or i feel like#i have to compensate somehow with a really well written 'Serious' reply kdjfghdkg iDKKKKKKK AAAAAAAAAAA#cw negativity#this is ic for my muse and if it was a book this would be an acceptable progression of plot and development like it's totally sensical but#there is no book to read and no oNE has been around since fucking 2012 to know this all actually totally makes sense and should be taken#seriously lmAoooo
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Maybe I'm just desensitized from dealing with like cptsd probably ocd neurotic soup unchecked for my whole life and finding ways to just phase out the chatter of it but seeing ppl here talk abt moral ocd and stuff in a way where they refuse to be reminded of racism or anything is baffling to me. Like I don't get how that's helpful for you, instead of separating thoughts and morals from yourself and your actions you're just going oh no my religious ocd is triggered when ppl talk about me having privilege or benefitting from systemic oppression so therefore I'm never going to interact with marginalized people who talk about it ect ect ect. Or proship ppl being like it's too hard to take a stance against incest and age gap ships so they're just no holds bars for it now. Like again maybe I'm being mean, being online is hard I do think the way ppl talk is especially triggering for ocd and the whole born good born bad self flaggelation for forgiveness stuff never be wrong takes especially eat at me but they are symptoms ultimately and letting it box you out from ways you can actually genuienly improve as a person feels wildly unhelpful to me. Sitting with guilt and understanding what is real harm thats been done by you and actual bad things you believed and what is the brain chatter is crucial.
#ig it's just that unpacking that and ingrained beliefs and the urge to be centered and coddled is#something you have to be doing regardless and i kind of jsut cant respect not doing that#like i care abt ballroom there is a ballroom scene here and my ruminations can play up on anything like#i absolutely cannot engage with the ballroom scene here its not a space for pakeha reslly and i dont want to come off as a white drag race#fan who isnt aware of privilege and wants to be inserted everywhere egotist ect maybe even being into drag at all is problematic ill never#understand ballroom bc i didnt go thru enough and bc im white and z and x and x#and like THAT is disordered thinking that is feedjng off scraps of white fragility and online discourse#but there is truth that the scene here is intimate and new and primarily for maori and pacific and takatapui and that is how it needs to be#like i hope im not wildly off base. idw be one of those ppl who are like just found out abt opression im going to make myself the singular#voice and educator on it coughing at breadtube phenomena kinda thing right right right#like just white ppl bouncing obvious things they just learned back and forth to feel more progressive#i just think ocd isnt a good reason to feed into the left cannibalizes itself cant say anything these days isms of it all and the like#ohhh ur a puritan bc u think cp is bad parts of the net#my self analyzing and ruminations are a thin line but it has genuienly improved me to understand that#your shame and guilt whether it's rational or disordered or not isn't the center of the world and does not need to be coddled#anyway LMAO it did spend 5 hours writing this bc it is disordered and got stuck on it#long post
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well... i woke up in time for school. which is the hardest part since it starts at 9am nd i always go to sleep at 4am and wake up around 12-13pm lol. but i got up nd checked when the busses are running.. i checked the weather nd it says it's gnna rain. then i thought "do i rlly need to go today..... cant i go next week?". the thing with me is that if i allow myself to have that thought then it's ruined. if i have the thought of not going, then i wont. thats why i make myself just get up nd go thru the motions nd leave, nd never allowing myself to think that. buuuuut i messed up today... i just wanna stay in bed nd go back to sleep T-T im sitting here "thinking abt it" but the time is already running out nd i dont rlly have time to get up nd get ready now. i dont think i'll get in trouble that i missed this week if i just make sure to go every day next week. ugh
#i should rlly just get out of bed and go#but its so cold and im so tired#my neighbor is stomping around upstairs nd just that makes me wanna die lmao#i just dont feel like going even if i do hate staying at home too#bc i do feel like a loser and a worthless failure#it's just that.. idk i dont want to do anything :/ ig i also kinda feel like self sabotaging#and im so tired of trying#im trying to do this but i get no help from the health care system#i rlly need therapy bc i wanna kms lol but everyone r just like nah sorry cant help u#why should i have to try soooooo hard when nobody cares#i just wanna rot#even if rotting also makes me feel bad#idk i just wish i was normal and healthy#can i even go back to sleep now that i feel so bad abt mysel skskksks#ughhh#no ok i decide i will stay home today#then i'll go every class next week#but i'll give myself one last day to stay home nd feel bad abt myself#im not allowed to do this again next week i've decided
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is there a sweet spot between caring too much about what people think and not giving a shit about what people think. because both seem to be kind of toxic for a truly healthy social life
#june shines#for me right now#barely hanging onto any sense of wanting to talk to people at all#because i just barely fucking care#NOT in a mean way or a hateful way#i just dont have the energy for it#my brain doesn't know what people want from me#care* ???#idk#pondering#ig#maybe it is a hateful way#pretty hateful to just not want to talk to any of the people who invest time and love into you#like fuck#i'd be content by myself if i didn't self destruct over it#those are kinda hard to seperate lmao#i love being antisocial#im thinking about#a story#i might write#i might need to#write a thing#hm#ahlkdssahldkf#vent tw
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for some reason i am thinking that, if my ocs had a fandom, chase would be the character who mostly gets "i can fix him" type of x reader fanfics
#i get the appeal of wanting to fix the guy who thinks hes unfixable and a lost cause but i think its kinda funny too#he doesnt make a single effort to change due to his non-existent self-esteem. not even for the people whom he values the most#so finnley in the past and caspian in the present. he just tries to minimize the effects his actions have on them (specially caspian)#because when it comes to himself and his own well-being; he legit doesnt care a single bit.#tbf he would probably be dead by now if he didnt clung to finnley (and lowkey dalila) in the past and now to caspian ngl.#not even by suicide; although thats a possibility. he just probably picked a fight with the wrong person (or people) and got overpowered#or even getting a std that; if not treated; could be fatal. you can guess he isnt going to the doctor before it is too late#well shit got too dark and way too swayed from the point. going back to the point; i doubt he would try to change#regardless of how much he loves the reader; as i said he would try to make his actions affect them as less as possible though#and only if he truly loves them; which ig is the point of the fic lol. so; a 'i can fix him' type of fic would be at least a little bit ooc#but hey; i cant judge people getting ooc when being self-indulgent lmao im also guilty of that (mostly when it comes to fhs)#anyway thats it thats the post#oc talk
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i think ppl were hoping me becoming poor would make me as bitter as they are but... nah
#i move about the world different sorry#i have my reasons to be upset but i dont let it consume me and become my personality#going to therapy ever since i was like 12 has done wonders for me#you hafta realize that- i could- if i discarded all my values and desire for wellbeing- probably get whatever money from my dad.#my conservative dad who wants me to not be myself and would probably try to black mail me about it like he did when i was a kid#you dont understand how much i have to hate someone. to not be around someone. to PREFER to be poor than interact with them.#im by no means comfortable. sometimes i have periods of comfort other times i have no money and barely anything to eat.#id rather starve than go back to that abuse. you might feel different but thats bc like i said i move about the world different.#you dont know what that abuse was like. after experiencing it you might choose the same.#and no i personally dont consider that me 'having options'. i really dont see sacrificing myself and living as a shell of my former self#as an option personally. its either die by starving or die by sacrificing myself and quite frankly atp im choosing the former.#ive already tried the latter and hated every second of it every time#the only bitterness i have about being poor rn is at yall who wanted me to become poor. so no. it didnt work out in your favor.#not sure why you thought it would. i hate yall.#dont get me wrong- i hate the rich too for this- but ig i dont see them as subhuman or whatever since i lived like that#the uberwealthy though? yeah idk. still dont like the nazi rhetoric of calling them subhuman but i dont have any real#sympathy for them. most of my sympathy for rich ppl anyways is when they're kids and how that fucks em up but if they become#corrupt selfish adults i dont have sympathy for them atp.#and to be clear- im not saying the benefits of having money somehow hurts them- there are negatives to it though if your parents#suck and think buying you things = love. and make you dependent on your parents bc you've had everything taken care of for#you your whole life so you have no real life skills so you cant as easily leave. which is worse if your parent is abusive.#also dealing with other rich kids? sucks! depends but it almost always feels like a dick measuring contest.#being isolated your whole life + not knowing how to take care of yourself- the number 1 thing animals teach their children first +#not having any genuine friends + not receiving genuine love? kinda turns ppl into super villains ngl#if i didnt have dogs who taught me a lot of shit id probably be a super villain too ok lmao
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