#self blame is a coping mechanism often rooted in childhood trauma

[sysmedsaresexist]

Hot Take

You can go too far in either direction of system accountability

"Don't blame them, blame me alone, I did this, not them," is equally anti recovery and just as damaging as "that was my alter, not me"

It's still not taking accountability, just disguised as overly taking accountability, and an unhealthy abuse of self blame as a coping mechanism to feel in control of situation, without any real ownership over the results

It's a way for an alter to shrug their shoulders and say, "well, I did what I could, it's actually the other person's fault that they don't understand we're not the same people," and shift the blame back onto the people who were hurt by said alters actions (aka blaming the victim for being hurt, pretty sure there's a term for that, hm)

It's still a shield for an alter to do what they want without any tangible repercussions, and cement them firmly in the "not me" part of dissociation

You know, the opposite of integration, the thing required for functional multiplicity

But I don't think most of us are ready for that conversation

[loveyourlovelysoul]

Especially after a very big trauma or repeating ones for which we are not responsible (that may have occurred in our childhood), it may happen that we start developing a victim mentality (which has nothing to do with victimism or playing the victim, but it's a clinical condition) as a coping mechanism. For example:

-We may think others are the cause for everything negative in our life without realizing we're avoiding taking responsibility for our own actions and decisions (our mental pattern may be so rooted in us that we don't realize we have another choice but we keep ourselves stuck in a certain place; we blame others also for things we decide to do to ourselves as we just got used to our life being that way).

-We may also often believe others are there just to hurt us, even in those situations when that's not their intention: especially if we have been treated in a certain confusing/hurtful way (and we're already stressed by other events), we may tend to misinterpret them and their words/actions more easily and let anger and resentment born in our past fog our mind.

-We may also tend to believe others have it easier, and give up on everything without trying cause "I'll fail anyway" or "it's impossible for me"; we may also get relieved after receiving self-pity and sympathy from others.

There can be other behaviours or types of thoughts that may occasionally originate from what we had to deal with and that can be connected with the huge spectrum of the victim mentality, like for example: feeling undeserving and unworthy, guilty and shameful (since the way we were treated); avoiding taking risks; loss of control; feeling passive, pessimistic, generally powerless and helpless but not deciding to understand the cause of those feelings; being hypervigilant around others, overly self-defensive and self-absorbed or entitled (despite being deeply insecure); seeing people and actions/values as good or bad and no-in-between; lacking empathy; needing recognition and validation; feeling morally superior and wrongly persecuted by threatening unmoral people; ruminating over situations and their causes rather than finding solutions.

This is even more true if we feel like we haven't grown or changed, nor gained power or resources from the time in which we happened to experience that deep trauma. But we did. We just cannot see it for various reasons (generally our mind is trying to keep us "safe"). Try to remind yourself that you are in control of your own life, and that you can make different decisions and that you will be safe. You can get out of that hurtful place (at least mentally), whenever you decide it's okay to and in whatever way. Ask for help, talk about your problems with others. Remember you can say no, you can have boundaries, you can start taking responsibility for your life and you don't have to be successful at the first try. Don't give up, even on days when it feels like your mind is right: it may be, but remember to be grounded and objective. Keep questioning its reasons, get to the root cause and slowly try to get out of there. It's okay and it will be okay.

(part of source)

[nova-bos]

SHADOW WORK PROMPTS

Hello again, I decided to make and collect some prompts and store them here for others to see. I have them divided up into different topics, so I hope it makes it easier for you to find what you need.

How to Treat Yourself.

How can I be kinder to myself: mentally, physically, etc. In what ways am I subconsciously attacking myself?

What are some things you don't like about yourself, and why?

What are some personality traits / qualities you wish you had.

What are some things you love about yourself? What are some things you dislike? Why do you think you dislike these qualities?

List a few of your coping mechanisms that make you feel bad or guilty. Why do they make you feel that way? What are you using them to cope with? Is there a healthier mechanism you would be using?

When was the last time you forgave yourself?

What unhealthy attachments (things, people, feelings, habits) do you hold onto? What fears do you have around ending these attachments? What do you gain by ending these attachments?

What relationships and friendships do you have that are unhealthy? How would your life improve/change if you let them go?

Do you reward yourself when you accomplish something productive?

Do you completely accept and love yourself the way that you are?

Do you over think, and what causes this? What happens when you start to over think?

What's something you've REALLY wanted for a long time that feels out of reach to you? Why does it feel out of reach? Is it unrealistic or do you feel like you don't deserve it?

What animal(s) do you associate yourself with? What traits, positive and negative, do you associate with this animal?

Trauma & Reactions.

When was a time in your life where you opened up and felt rejected?

When was the last time you forgave yourself?

What negative emotions do you avoid? Why?

What were you like as a child?

What is the worst way someone could describe you?

What is your definition of failure? What's something you have previously failed at and how did it make you feel? How can you deal with failure in a healthy way?

How do you lie to yourself everyday? Why are you doing this and what am you trying to avoid?

How have you internalized your parents' judgement? How do you free yourself from it?

What is something you hate about your body? See if it's related to your trauma or the world around you, and why you hate it.

What are your triggers and why? What events happened to cause that trigger? Do you have any specific triggers, like a song, a movie/tv show, etc?

Did you have a good childhood? Why or why not?

What are some intrusive thoughts you've had lately? What triggered these thoughts, what do you think the root cause is?

Think of a time that you were hurt and felt you deserved it. What made you feel like that? Was it justified?

When reflecting about your childhood, what makes you extremely angry or sad to this day?

Did your parents provide you with everything you needed?

Emotions & Self reflecting.

What emotion do you try to avoid? What makes you so afraid to feel it? 

What negative emotions are you the most comfortable feeling? How often and why do these emotions show up? 

What emotions do you rarely express Infront of others? Why are you hiding these emotions? What would happen if you started expressing these emotions more? 

Are you okay with the fact that not everyone will like you? Why or why not, and how does this make you feel? 

Which behavior that you know is wrong and has negative effects do you repeat over and over again? Why do you do this? 

How long do you spend reflecting on failures and mistakes? Do you have difficulties coming to terms with them? 

Are you self deprecating, or self destructive? When, how, and why did this begin?

What are some of your toxic traits? When do they tend to show themselves? 

Name 5-10 negative beliefs you have about yourself. Where do they come from? Do they have validity? Why or why not? 

What are some things you consider "cringy"? Why do you think that? Do you associate those with someone? If it's yourself, what can you do to be nicer to your child self? 

Think about someone you hate for "no reason." What are some things about them that bother you? Do these things remind you of yourself, or someone who hurt you? 

What are some things you blame yourself for? Is it really fair to blame yourself for this, or were there other factors involved?

What is your greatest experience with confrontation? Do you find it more difficult than it should be or do you feel like you handle confrontation in a healthy way? 

When are you the most critical of yourself? Explain what your self-talk sounds like. 

What do you currently envy in someone's life, and why? 

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

Some brain dump word vomit that I will start off with these points regarding Silco and Jinx, namely that their relationship:

is developed through trauma bonding between a vulnerable, young trauma victim with abandonment issues (Jinx) and a grandiose narcissist who exploits the vulnerable one's need for connection (Silco, whose grandiose narcissism probably developed as a coping response to traumas probably stemming from his own childhood - narcissists are not born, they are made)

has the narcissist parent (Silco) viewing the child (Jinx) as an extension of themself; the dependent child then becoming a default source of narcissistic supply.

has the narcissist parent (Silco) controlling the “family” narrative by engulfing a “favorite” as the golden child (Jinx) whose strengths and successes are celebrated and whose failings are overlooked or blamed on a primary scapegoat (Sevika). The golden child (Jinx) is a projection of what the narcissist parent (Silco) wants to believe about themselves - an idealized mirror image controlled and manipulated into compliance (Silco's "rants and hard-won lessons" that all “sound the same”, as Jinx put it, and in true narcissist fashion, his belief that he is responsible for creating Jinx - a claim disputed by Jinx herself as she attributes responsibility to Vi)

is codependent on both sides, although their individual codependent tendencies stem from different sources. Powder's codependency is rooted in her traumatic history of loss and abandonment by those who should have nurtured and protected her, ie. the death of her parents, followed by the death of her found family, followed by abuse and rejection from Vi. Silco's codependency is rooted in his narcissism, as evidenced by his resentment of Vander for rejecting his political ideology, viewing it as the ultimate betrayal (Silco’s resentment was not rooted in Vander’s physical attempt to kill him; for this, he actually respects Vander). Grandiose narcissists are characterized by high self-esteem, a sense of personal superiority and entitlement, overconfidence, a willingness to exploit others for self-gain, and hostility and aggression when challenged (Silco to a T) and narcissists often tend to be codependent themselves; starving for validation unless they have access to an active supply (Jinx)

The difference in root causes for Silco and Powder’s codependent tendencies is why Powder is willing to give up her codependent connection with Silco for a codependent connection with Vi, and why Silco is willing to reject the Piltover offer that could deliver his goal of a seceded Zaun in order to retain his codependent enmeshment with his “golden child” narcissistic supply.

Silco is adamant at proclaiming that she is Jinx, and that Jinx is perfect - because Jinx represents the idealized projection of Silco’s own grandiose self-importance. What he sees when he looks at her is a mirror that he holds up to himself.

Ultimately, the relationship between Silco and Jinx is dysfunctional and the dynamic they display is toxic, abusive, and not remotely healthy at all.

But even when her abuser and enabler is cut off (Silco’s death) there isn’t any means for Powder to return to herself.

That’s because Silco didn’t create Jinx, just as Vi didn’t create Jinx, and just as Vander didn’t create Silco, and so on and so forth.

Everyone is a product of their cumulative experiences, traumatic and non-traumatic.

Being born into poverty in Zaun, seeing the violence of her parents’ death, the violence of the Undercity streets, the rejection and bullying from her “brothers”, being made to own the blame for the death of her found family followed by the immediate physical and verbal abuse from the sister she sought comfort and safety with (this abuse itself is an example of Vi’s own unresolved trauma; her coping mechanism is to lash out and hit with her fists), only to spend close to a decade enmeshed in a codependent relationship with a narcissist parent crime lord, to then accidentally shooting him in a state of psychosis... 

Jinx is a coping mechanism to protect a deeply hurt child who has been the victim of intergenerational trauma and the cycle of abuse her entire life - left without any tools or support to allow her to process and heal from any of it, Powder created Jinx out of self-preservation.

[split-reality]

who am i?

26 / f / jane

i don’t know how to introduce myself. i don’t even know how to run a blog. i’m currently on my first few days of wellbutrin. truthfully, this blog is probably a symptom of the resulting mania.

i have an entire pharmacy in my room with meds i’m apparently supposed to dispose of. who can relate? my mom taught me not to throw anything away. she struggled with hoarding. we all struggled with it. she passed away from covid. 

other than the hoarding and childhood trauma, my mother was an amazing person. i am not being sarcastic when i say that either. i don’t know if i had it easy compared to my four older siblings, or if my childhood coping strategies of daydreaming, escapism, detachment, and splitting, preserved my loving feelings for her. but i love her. i always will. 

side note: who knew daydreaming was so dangerous? is daydreaming as a coping mechanism (split worlds) the root of splitting itself? daydreaming, if used as a way to cope, can cause idealization. daydreaming is also a primitive form of childhood play and spontaneity. the difference is that children who are just playing know how to return to their safe (just as “good”) world. what if play (spontaneity) in children is severely criticized and punished? the child then begins daydreaming excessively to the point of idealization and creates a safe “reality” in their mind where they get their needs met by idealizing love, attention, and affection from the people in their life. they then have an image of the “good” mom that is available with endless love and affection whenever they want it. their core being (spontaneous self) in the unsafe world (actual reality), is locked away to protect the underdeveloped child from conflicting feelings they cannot yet process. the split world divide causes the child to become more withdrawn, antisocial, and detached from their reality. the child might hallucinate or see things that aren’t there which explains lingering symptoms of psychosis in some adults with bpd. over time, when the child begins to understand what a core identity is (adolescence), they realize it is underdeveloped and no longer serves them. they try to resolve their core identity through spontaneous acts that mimic childhood play in order to work out this internal-external conflict. these activities (coping strategies) usually engage all the senses and the physiological result is strong enough to temporarily “snap out” of the split worlds they created. these activities can include sex, substances, and thrilling seeking. the question is, where does the child’s core identity go? is it locked away for safekeeping? does the child have an underdeveloped core identity that is put on pause? what prevents it from developing? would play therapy help adults with borderline personality disorder develop spontaneity? 

growing up, i did not have a close connection with my mother. the youngest of five siblings, my mom was too exhausted to pay much attention to me. the attention she gave me was very surface level. i learned quickly that acting out would get me noticed. any recognition was better than none at all. 

before my mom passed, i pressed her for details of “that time when” and laughed at my failed attempts of evoking love from her. she told me about the times i would cry because none of my siblings wanted to play with me. being the youngest, i just couldn’t understand the games that they played. all i could understand was that they wouldn’t. play. with. me. i would run over to the towers that they built out of wooden blocks, say “fuck this shit!” and kick them down. i was a shit kid. this is how my futile attempts at love made me the scapegoat in my family.

and i was good at it. i became the outlier. the hyperactive child who just will. not. stop. i became the outsider compulsively looking for a way back in. 

my mom often told me stories of my odd and downright disturbing behavior. 

there is one that stands out in particular. i was three years old. she said my eyes were as big and shiny as cherries when i looked at her and said, “mom, jane isn’t going to take this fork and stab herself in the eyes and twist to pluck them out. jane isn’t going to.” 

my frightened mother hugged me and said, “jane, why are you acting like this?” i then looked at her and said, “i’m not going to!” and started crying. most parents would take their kids to the nearest psychiatrist, but as a child of immigrant parents, my mental health was a figment of the imagination. a myth. a fake illness they use to lock you up and pump you with prescriptions. 22 years later, i was locked up anyway, my pupils big and glossy like cherries. this time from lexapro. 

my mom told me of another time when she came home from school, too tired and hungry to play with me. she said i took a big ass potato from the kitchen. this potato was not just any potato. it was as long as an iphone 12 pro max. and i said, “i’m going to throw this potato and hit you!” she asked me why. perfectly reasonable question. i looked up at her and said, “because no one loves me, mama.” 

i asked my mom if my dad ever dropped me. perfectly reasonable question given the circumstances. she said he didn’t drop me, but he did lose me once. 

my mom claimed she loved and cared for everyone the same. i believe that was precisely the problem. she did not recognize our core being, our individualism. i don’t blame her. we were living in a bad neighborhood where, as a child, i would play and find needles on the ground. her hard work allowed us to get out of there. how could i find fault in that?  

side note: some might say that i’m making excuses for my mom. to be completely honest, i’m not sure if that’s the case. sometimes i wonder if i’m not fully processing my childhood anger and hurt lurking underneath. if it’s so deep, i can’t even reach it. more on that later. 

there are so many stories regarding my childhood antisocial, attention-seeking behavior but i just don’t have the energy to share. the only one that worth sharing is when i pretended to be mute for six months in preschool. 

my mom was called in for an appointment at the school. the teacher said, “what are you thinking? you wanted to fool us into thinking your child is normal? she has not spoken for six months!” baffled, my mom turned to me and said, “jane, why are you not talking?!” i said, “because i didn’t want to talk to them, mama.” my mom said the teachers turned pale. before then, not one peep had come out of me.

- jane (shit adult)

note: i know that there are few 26-year-olds named jane, okay? i get it. i couldn’t come up with a name. black and white thinking prevents me from making decisions for myself. no grey area results in a fear of failure and perfectionism to avoid it. 

another note: sorry to all the janes out there. i know you all still exist, but to be frankly honest, i don’t even know a jane. the name reminds me of morgue scenes from Law & Order SVU. 

maybe i’ll call myself olivia. 

[fiti-vation]

Unpopular opinion: TLC’s My 600-lb Life Story TV show needs improvement

I can never finish watching most episodes of My 600-Lb Life Story on TLC because there is always something that breaks my heart and makes my soul slightly cripple.  Today, I was watching Renee Biran's Story and literally only 15 min in, my eyes were bawling.  Studying in social sciences really made me understand the importance of knowing a person's story before judging them. Not only did Renee's social network (i.e., her family, especially her mother) failed her, but so did the school system and the medical world.

A program such as TLC's 600-pound Life Story has a golden opportunity to shed light on the ever-growing societal problem of obesity, but it fails all too often because it still ignores the fact that health is a multidimensional concept. If you have followed me for years, you know that not only do I promote physical health, but all types of health. As I have emphasized multiple times over the years, being healthy isn’t just about the physical aspects like eating better and getting exercise – it’s about all aspects of your health: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In other words, health/wellness goes beyond exercising and eating health. Health encompasses 7 dimensions; each dimension contributes to our own sense of wellness or quality of life, and each affects and overlaps the others. At times one may be more prominent than others but neglect of any one dimension for any length of time has adverse effects on overall health.

The Seven Dimensions of Wellness • Physical • Emotional • Intellectual • Social • Spiritual • Environmental • Occupational

The link between mental health and physical health is often misunderstood. They’re often thought of as separate entities, but the two go hand in hand. In fact, the World Health Organization defines health as a state of complete physical, mental and social well-being.

The problem

What bothers me most about TLC's 600-pound life story program, is that they focus solely on the physical aspect of health. With respect to Renee's story, I do not understand why they did not start with psychological help first. This is a recurrent problem that I have noticed while watching many episodes of My 600-pound life story; many cases revolve around mental and emotional issues.

As stated in one of my previous posts, “the first step to any fitness goals is mental wellbeing.  I am a huge advocate of mental discipline. Most of us think that it is our body that will get the job done when in fact it is our mind. If you’re not right mentally you will never perform well physically. Mental toughness is really what will get you to the finish line. The body achieves what the mind believes! Mental limits will hinder you far behind physical limits will”.  Mental health and physical health are fundamentally linked.

The My 600-pound life story program does the mistake that too many people do when getting into fitness. Too many people get into physical health without cultivating mental health… Mental toughness is really what gets you to finish a workout when you don’t feel like it! Again here, the body achieves what the mind believes! When it comes to training, I feel 90% is mental and 10% is physical.

Although the program has tremendously helped Renee, I feel that they have also done her a disservice. You cannot ask someone who is mentally weak and unstable to be physically strong! It is not realistic and you’re doing that person a disservice.

Poor mental health can affect one’s ability to make healthy decisions and fight off chronic diseases.

The problem - Are they really promoting wellness?

Promoting physical well-being without emphasizing other aspects of health not only minimizes the importance of the seven dimensions of health, but also promotes and perpetuates the misconception that losing weight / being fit equates happiness.

The perceived disconnect between “mind” and “body” creates the misconception that mental illness is not a physical disease. In reality, mental health has a direct impact on your physical health.

Wellness is the pursuit of continued growth and balance in the seven dimensions of wellness. Too many people think about "wellness" in terms of physical health only. The word invokes thoughts of nutrition, exercise, weight management, blood pressure, etc. Wellness, however, is much more than physical health, it involves much more than your pant size. Wellness is a mindset and a holistic way of life. Wellness is a full integration of physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well-being. It is a complex interaction that leads to quality of life.

Shows like My 600 lb Story need to start emphasizing all aspects of health not just the physical part.

Heal Your Soul and The Body Will Heal Itself (Healing first)

Only once one has a clear mind can they have a clear vision of their goals. A clear mind is a healthy, productive mind.

The only way to become mentally, emotionally and spiritually strong is by healing ourselves first. Prior to an aesthetically fit body one’s mind must be aesthetically fit. Train the mind and the mind will train the body. Willpower is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. The starting point of all achievements is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results.

Whatever part of you is broken internally won’t be affected simply by getting a new body. Simply put, a new body won’t repair a broken soul. A dream body won’t make all of your problems disappear. So many people have “dream” bodies but are internally miserable.

It’s absolutely crazy how much value we put on weight in our lives. It’s as if losing weight is the secret to finding love, having more confidence, more success, more friends and a golden ticket to begin the rest of our lives.

I've seen many individuals lose weight, only to find they still have the same problems and stresses in their lives that they had before the weight loss – they still struggle with the heavy thoughts and beliefs that contributed to the weight gain in the first place. The fundamental thing that has to shift in order to create permanent change is how someone sees themselves, aka your self-image.

Happiness is complex and multileveled. And weight loss is not the antidote to the things that truly make us unhappy.

Research consistently shows that when people start workout programs with "weight loss" as their main motivator, they are automatically less likely to stick with their healthy lifestyles. And, according to findings from the University of California–Los Angeles, after losing weight, most people gain it all back – and then some – within a handful of years.

In regard to Renee, chances are at some point in her life she became disconnected from the authentic, beautiful, brilliant self that she truly is and as a result, became unhappy. It just so happens that unhappiness is one of the biggest triggers to weight gain. In essence, her unhappiness has nothing to do with the weight.  The weight is a by-product of you not being happy. If she wants to permanently change this, it’s necessary to go back to the core where it all started.

We know there are many things that contribute to poor health: smoking, bad diet, sleep deprivation, a lack of exercise. But did you know that exposure to traumatic events as a child also contributes to poor health later in life?

Childhood trauma has been linked to things like cancer, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, and depression. Studies are increasingly showing us that things like physical, verbal, and sexual abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and family instability (substance abuse, death or divorce, domestic violence, incarceration, mental illness) are intrinsically tied to your general health and well-being.

The most critical part of the problem with Renee isn’t her poor eating habits and lack of exercise, but her trauma. The roots of Renee’s emotional eating come from her childhood trauma. That being said, even if Renee manages to get to healthy weight, there is a strong likelihood she may fall back into the same pitfall if she does not deal with her emotional trauma. Instead of taking on weight-loss as a cure-all, the energy here should have been poured into addressing the real sources of Renee’s unhappiness.

When we’re living with blame or shame, we use food to soothe, stay in unhealthy relationships, and let go of all of our boundaries.  

The untold truth of My 600-lb Life

An article written by Lisa Swan for The List touches on everything discussed above. In her article Swan acknowledges that many of the participants on the show have experiences some sort of childhood trauma.

If you've ever watched the TV show Intervention, you know about the clear link between childhood trauma and addiction to drugs and alcohol. My 600-lb Life shows that it's the same deal with food addiction, which is what the participants all appear to be afflicted with. In many cases this is due to the terrible things they endured during their childhoods, such as sexual, physical, and/or emotional abuse. Some participants were raped when they were young, and put on the weight as a protective mechanism. Others ate to make themselves feel better. For example, Ashley Reyes said she used food to cope after her uncle raped her when she was 12. "I didn't know what to do," she said on the show (via The Wrap). "I didn't know how to feel safe. So I would eat to gain back whatever little happiness I could."

That's why when participants start losing weight, emotions often bubble to the surface. Weight loss surgery has removed their coping mechanism (overeating), and that can present additional challenges. For example, it was only when Ashley went through therapy after surgery to deal with the abuse that she started to really lose weight.

Food for thoughts

Society's definition of healthy isn't very good. It's almost strictly physical, which means so many people qualify as healthy when they're struggling with other unhealthy aspects of their lives. We all need a better definition of what being healthier is. And, even if yours doesn't end up being as rigorous as mine, at least find out what your own definition of healthier is.

When more and more people will start to realize that being healthy is not just about exercising and eating healthy, society will no longer consider fitness as just an end goal. Fitness is not an end goal. It is not a number on a weighing scale. It is not a dress size. Fitness is a lifestyle. It is a journey. And along that journey, you must work on ALL aspects of your health, not just your physical health.

Heal your inside and the rest will follow 🍃🔁

[jessicalynnhepner]

Chapter 2—Screening and Assessing Adults For Childhood Abuse and Neglect Part 1

Substance abuse is a chronic and relapsing condition. It is often associated with problems in physical, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and social functioning (Brown, 1998; Landry, 1994). These problems are not likely to be the result of one specific cause but rather the result of an accumulation of factors that clients have faced in their lives (Luthar and Walsh, 1995). Risk factors associated with substance abuse disorders include histories of childhood abuse and neglect (Carlson, 1997). In fact, a recent study found that adults with histories of child abuse have an increased likelihood of heart disease, cancer, and chronic lung disease, as well as greater risk for alcoholism, drug abuse, depression, and attempted suicide (Felitti et al., 1998). These findings emphasize the importance of comprehensive screening and assessment for individuals with substance abuse disorders and client access to adequate health care.

Although childhood abuse and neglect disproportionately affect adult substance abusers and their families, clients' substance abuse disorders are not often examined within the context of past abuse or neglect experiences. The reasons for not considering or eliciting this kind of historical information vary. Treatment providers may not have comprehensive screening and assessment measures available. Often, counselors simply fail to ask, or the intake organization does not instruct them to ask, about childhood abuse. Yet in some instances disclosure rates have risen dramatically when substance abuse treatment clients were asked directly about their experience of child abuse.

Clients may be unable to address traumatic childhood events because of memory problems that, in the past, have helped them cope with the trauma (Brown et al., 1999). Clients' family members may not be available or appropriate as family historians, and it is not the counselor's role to independently investigate family histories. Sometimes the immediacy of other problems causes assessments of child abuse and neglect to be delayed. Yet without proper screening and assessment, treatment providers may wrongly attribute symptoms of childhood trauma-related disorders to consequences of current substance abuse. Mental health issues often precede, rather than follow from, substance dependence. Therefore, comprehensive screening for root causes of clients' presenting symptoms may greatly increase the effectiveness of treatment.

Go to: Challenges to Accurate Screening and Assessment Counselors face great challenges when screening for and assessing childhood abuse or neglect. Few adults are comfortable with a history of violation and neglect. Many abuse survivors are ashamed of having been victims of childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse and may feel that the abuse was self-induced. Screening and assessment, therefore, should be designed to reduce the threat of humiliation and blame and should be done in a safe, nonthreatening environment. Although family members can be an important part of a comprehensive assessment (with the client's consent), treatment providers should be aware of what impact their involvement may have on the client's safety (or the safety of the client's children) and which family members the client considers nonthreatening.The following sections illustrate the challenges that treatment staff should anticipate and prepare for when screening for a history of childhood abuse or neglect and when assessing its impact on clients with substance abuse disorders. Underreporting Trauma History or SymptomsWhen screening for and assessing a history of childhood trauma, the counselor should ask clients to recall and indirectly reexperience abuse-related events (Briere, 1997). This process can trigger defense mechanisms--such as denial, minimization, repression, amnesia, and dissociation (Bernstein et al., 1994; Briere, 1992a; Cornell and Olio, 1991)--that diminish the distress associated with these events and memories (Fink et al., 1995). These mechanisms may cause a client to withhold or ignore information that is important for the assessment. Adult survivors of childhood trauma commonly suppress memories of certain traumatic events or minimize, either consciously or unconsciously, their symptoms (Brown et al., 1999; Whitfield, 1997a). Frequently, such defense mechanisms relate to the shame and stigma of the events. Clients may fear retribution from perpetrators or family members or loss of contact with people on whom they are emotionally dependent. Minimizing has often served to protect family members from having to deal with the criminal justice system (including the possible arrest of the perpetrator). Also, clients may fear that treatment staff will assume that they are abusive to their own children and report them to the police or child protective services (CPS) agencies. Still others may have never perceived their experiences as abusive or harmful but rather as normal and deserved.Certain sociocultural factors may encourage denial and minimization. For example, there is a social imperative among males to be strong and silent and unaffected by abuse. Physical abuse is difficult to evaluate because most males see their abuse as normal punishment for their behaviors (Langeland and Hartgers, 1998). Men may self-report child abuse and neglect less than women because their occurrence implies weakness and an inability to protect themselves (Evans and Sullivan, 1995; Holmes et al., 1997). Recent studies have concluded that sexual abuse of boys is underreported and undertreated (Holmes and Slap, 1998).Issues of confidentiality, mandated reporting, and trust may influence responses to interviews and questionnaires by making some clients less inclined to reveal personal histories of abuse or neglect. Reporting requirements may vary from State to State (see Chapter 6 for more information on reporting child abuse and neglect). Maryland law, for example, requires that treatment providers report incidents of childhood abuse disclosed by adults in substance abuse treatment programs. Repressed MemoriesAn important limitation of most of the research on childhood abuse is that it relies on retrospective recall of personal events that usually are not independently corroborated. This is a standard problem in many areas of

research, but particular concerns have been raised about the retrospective recall of childhood sexual abuse. The primary concerns have revolved around the "false memory syndrome" and child sexual abuse that has been forgotten and later remembered in the context of counseling (Loftus, 1996). Laboratory research on memory indicates that people may be led to remember events that did not actually happen to them (Loftus, 1993). These findings have raised the concern that suggestible clients may be led by therapists to believe that they were sexually abused as children when they were not. Other research indicates, however, that people can only be led to believe that nontraumatic events happened to them and that they are much more impervious to suggestions that false traumatic events occurred (Bowman, 1996). See Farrants, 1998, for a review of the research on this subject. Overreporting Trauma History or SymptomsRecently, research has suggested that some individuals may overreport or misrepresent abuse histories or abuse-related symptomatology, although this does not normally happen (Briere, 1997). In such cases, the client's conscious or unconscious should be viewed as having significant pathology that may contaminate the screening and assessment processes. For example, some clients may report inaccurate abuse histories or symptoms so that they may receive treatment rather than be incarcerated, may receive inpatient instead of outpatient treatment, or may qualify for disability-related entitlements, such as Supplemental Security Income (LaCoursiere, 1993). Others may overreport their history of trauma or current trauma-related symptoms in an effort, consciously or unconsciously, to deny or minimize their substance abuse disorder. Although overreporting is probably a less frequent phenomenon than underreporting, staff should be aware of the possibility that clients may receive secondary gains from overreporting symptoms or the severity of past abuse. Just as many clients with substance abuse disorders tell "war stories," some, with a great deal of experience in treatment settings, have become experts at giving psychiatric labels to all their problems. Coexisting Psychiatric DisordersA number of studies have found that childhood maltreatment and trauma are significant risk factors for later psychiatric problems (Beitchman et al., 1992; Neumann et al., 1996; Polusny and Follette, 1995; Trickett and McBride-Chang, 1995). Indeed, individuals with a history of childhood trauma--such as being sexually abused, being physically assaulted, or repeatedly witnessing violence--often develop psychopathology during adulthood (Beitchman et al., 1992; Bryer et al., 1987; Malinosky-Rummell and Hansen, 1993; Pollock et al., 1990; Roesler and Dafler, 1993). Thus, many adults receiving treatment for substance abuse who have a history of childhood abuse and neglect will have a coexisting psychiatric disorder (seeFigure 2-1 ). As mentioned in Chapter 1, abuse and neglect during childhood are particularly associated with major depression, suicidal thoughts, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and dissociative symptoms (Briere and Runtz, 1990a; Craine et al., 1988; Felitti et al., 1998; Rowan and Foy, 1993; Rowan et al., 1994). In treatment programs for veterans, where PTSD symptoms are often assumed to be occupation related, a history of childhood abuse can be particularly difficult to identify. Childhood abuse also has been associated with borderline personality disorders (Herman et al., 1989), as well as dissociative amnesia and dissociative identity disorder (Brown et al., 1999; Briere, 1997; Briere and Conte, 1993; Ross et al., 1990). Given the potential for coexisting psychiatric disorders in this population, treatment providers should not rely only on self-assessment tools and

patient feedback. 📷 BoxFigure 2-1: Symptoms and Syndromes Associated With Childhood Abuse and Neglect. Most Common Responses Helplessness Low self-esteem Guilt Shame Anxiety Depression (more...) Neuropsychological Consequences Of Childhood AbuseClients will benefit from understanding how severe and chronic physical, emotional, and sexual abuse in childhood can affect their memory and emotions long after the abuse has ceased. The long-term consequences of physical battering, for example, might include minimal or severe brain damage (from learning disabilities to mental retardation), aggressive behavior and lack of impulse control, and physical limitations. Childhood abuse or neglect also may hinder the development of a mature personality, because it becomes difficult for the abused person to develop a healthy sense of self. These effects have the potential to seriously complicate substance abuse treatment.New neuroimaging techniques--such as positron emission tomography (PET) scans or functional magnetic resonance imaging (MRI)--have revealed that chronic abuse may actually affect pathways in the brain and alter thinking processes. Some studies show reductions in the volume of the hippocampus, the seat of long-term memory, in both combat veterans with PTSD and women with PTSD who experienced severe sexual abuse during childhood (Bremner et al., 1995; Gurvitz et al., 1995; Stein et al., 1997). In another study (Rauch et al., 1996), individuals reliving abusive episodes had marked decreases in blood flow to the left brain--most notably to Broca's area, which governs language capacity--and increased blood flow to the amygdala and limbic system, believed to be the site of emotion and long-term memory. These findings suggest that remembering trauma can produce intense emotional states while at the same time it inhibits individuals' capacity to verbalize their experiences (van der Kolk, 1996).Counselors should be aware that clients may not be able to verbalize feelings when experiencing intense emotional states. Behavioral treatments such as exposure and desensitization in a safe therapeutic environment should help clients progressively manage these states without losing the ability to communicate. In this way, clients will be able to verbalize feelings instead of experiencing upsetting symptoms in response to traumatic triggers. DissociationMany researchers and counselors now believe that dissociation is a common and readily available defense against childhood trauma, since children dissociate more easily than adults (Turkus, 1998). To defend against abuse, the child psychologically flees (dissociates) from full awareness. Under severe trauma, especially if inflicted at a young age, parts of the self may split off, in some cases creating a compartmentalized way of experiencing the world, with strong or painful emotions and memories shut off from consciousness. These emotions may surface as intense fear or anger when the client is under stress or is in situations that trigger memories of the abuse. In extreme cases, parts of the self may assume separate identities.Dissociation serves many purposes. It provides a way out of an intolerable situation, it numbs pain, and it can erect barriers (i.e., amnesia) to keep traumatic events and memories out of awareness. The child may begin by using the dissociative mechanism spontaneously and sporadically (Courtois, 1988). With repeated victimization, it may become a chronic defensive pattern that persists into adulthood, resulting in a dissociative disorder. Arising as a survival mechanism to protect the child, over time dissociation changes into a pattern of behavior that interferes with the individual's daily functioning and ability to interact with others. Sometimes these

dissociative periods can last hours and require emergency psychiatric treatment.The counselor may see symptoms of dissociation but be unaware of the cause. For example, the client may "space out" when talking to the counselor, appearing disoriented or forgetful in order to avoid an intimate (and seemingly threatening) situation. The client may be temporarily unresponsive to conversation or questions, although he may reengage if the counselor persists in seeking his attention (Briere, 1989). These periods of disengagement usually last only a few seconds or minutes. However, they may cause the client to miss important insights or opportunities for self-examination.The client may also report or exhibit intense moods that are out of proportion to the present situation. Rage, terror, overwhelming sadness, or self-destructive impulses may take hold of the client as a result of what may appear to be minor issues, and the client may seem unable to respond to the counselor's attempts to reason with the client.Because there can be many causes of such extreme emotional reactions, it is important to isolate the symptoms of dependency or withdrawal from those caused by trauma resulting from childhood abuse.Dissociative symptoms can mimic the effects of drugs or of withdrawal from drugs, making it difficult to determine the type of problem being presented. In victims of trauma, substance abuse itself can be seen as a method of dissociating for those who cannot do it successfully through other means. For this reason, it is common for survivors of child abuse to self-medicate with substances, thus beginning a process that often leads to substance abuse and dependence. Counselor IssuesAny counselor or treatment provider who might be screening for and assessing histories of child abuse or neglect must receive specific training in these issues. The screening process and followup sessions will invariably involve listening to traumatic stories. Not all treatment providers will be comfortable hearing about their clients' experiences of abuse. Some may experience vicarious trauma or feel overwhelmed by these painful personal accounts. This may be especially true among counselors whose own traumatic childhood experiences were not addressed therapeutically. The counselor's biases from these experiences, regardless of their similarity to a client's, could have a harmful impact. If counselors experience intense discomfort and anxiety when conducting screenings and assessments, the Consensus Panel recommends that they receive guidance and support from a clinical supervisor and consider whether they could benefit from therapeutic assistance to explore the reasons for their discomfort. (For a more detailed discussion on counselor issues, see Chapter 4.)Prior training on handling abuse issues can help counselors "screen" themselves to recognize if they are unprepared to work with clients who have experienced childhood abuse or neglect. It is better to find out ahead of time than for the counselor to risk damaging the therapeutic process by having to confront personal issues in the middle of it--possibly even ending the session prematurely, leaving the client confused, feeling abandoned, or wondering "What's wrong with me?" Many counselors avoid issues of childhood abuse simply from lack of experience. They need assurance that the proverbial can of worms that has been opened can be closed in a reasonable length of time. Proper training can help counselors better deal with trauma and with secondary PTSD, sometimes known as "compassion fatigue."

Go to: Screening for a History of Child Abuse or Neglect Because adults who were abused or neglected during childhood can experience significant trauma-related consequences that require clinical intervention, the Consensus Panel suggests using child abuse and neglect screening (1) to identify individuals who exhibit certain signs and symptoms associated with child abuse and neglect (such as PTSD, major depression, or mood disorders) and (2) to identify who may benefit from a comprehensive clinical assessment. Consequently, treatment staff should Learn and understand ways in which childhood abuse and neglect can affect adult feelings and behaviors Identify those individuals who appear to exhibit these symptoms Identify the trauma-related treatment needs of these clients Provide or coordinate appropriate treatment services that will help to meet clients' treatment needs The Need for ScreeningAdults who were abused as children are more likely to use drugs or alcohol (Dembo et al., 1989; Singer et al., 1989; Zierler et al., 1991); therefore, they are more likely to be in treatment for substance abuse.The consequences of childhood abuse and neglect can dramatically affect a client's treatment needs. For instance, as noted in Chapter 1, a history of childhood trauma can increase the number and intensity of treatment services required, lengthen the time needed for treatment, and increase the number of sessions, particularly for male clients (Downs and Miller, 1996; Felitti, 1991; Felitti et al., 1998; Steinglass, 1987; Young, 1995). The consequences of childhood abuse and neglect can also affect the psychosocial supports that such clients may need following treatment (Steinglass, 1987). Screening for childhood abuse or neglect can set in motion a proactive plan with the following benefits: Stopping the cycle. Although not all adults who were abused or neglected during childhood abuse their own children, they are at greater risk of doing so (Kaufman and Zigler, 1987). Thus, screening for abuse and neglect can be an important step in stopping the cycle of abuse in many families. Decreasing the probability of relapse. Many substance abusers use alcohol and illicit drugs to self-medicate posttraumatic stress symptoms related to past physical or sexual abuse or trauma (Price et al., 1998); clients may abuse substances to deal with hyperarousal or stress (Clark et al., 1997; De Bellis, 1997). Since these are important causes of continued substance-abusing behavior, addressing them may facilitate treatment and reduce relapse. Improving a client's overall psychological and interpersonal functioning. Childhood sexual abuse and neglect may affect the individual's self-concept, sense of self-esteem, and ability to self-actualize. They also affect a person's ability to trust, be intimate, and set limits with others. Identifying a history of abuse or neglect enables the client to address these issues as they relate to overall functioning as well as to recovery. The ability to trust is especially important; difficulties with trust can impede the client's ability to utilize treatment to its fullest. Improving program outcome. Screening for a history of child abuse or neglect helps to determine the percentage of abused and neglected individuals who are in a substance abuse treatment program. Furthermore, screening, combined with assessment, helps to determine the trauma-related treatment needs of clients. With this information, programs can make informed decisions about providing the treatment services that can best meet their clients' needs. https://whateveryparentshouldknowaboutcps.blogspot.com/2020/07/chapter-2screening-and-assessing-adults.html

[insession-io]

How Childhood Trauma Teaches Us to Dissociate

What is dissociation?

Dissociation, sometimes also referred to as disassociation, is a term commonly used in psychology that refers to a detachment from your surroundings, and/or physical and emotional experiences. Dissociation is a defense mechanism that stems from trauma, inner conflict, and other forms of stress, or even boredom.

Dissociation is understood on a continuum in terms of its intensity, and as non-pathological or pathological in regard of its type and effects. An example of non-pathological dissociation is daydreaming.

From here on we will talk about pathological dissociation.

Some examples of pathological dissociation are the following:

Feeling that your sense of self is not real (depersonalization)

Feeling that the world is unreal (derealization)

Memory loss (amnesia)

Forgetting identity or assuming a new self (fugue)

Separate streams of consciousness, identity, and self (dissociative identity disorder, or multiple personality disorder)

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder

Dissociation is closely tied to stressful states and situations. If a person has an inner conflict, they may start dissociating when thinking about it. Or if they are terrified of social situations, they may experience dissociation when around people.

Some people report severe dissociation and panic attacks after doing certain drugs. Dissociation can sometimes occur when we experience distortion in or an impairment of our senses, for instance, while having a migraine, tinnitus, light sensitivity, and so on.

Trauma and dissociation

Dissociation is a common response to trauma. The experience of being present and in the moment when we are severely abused and traumatized and feel powerless is incredibly painful. This is when our psyche self-protects and makes us disconnect from what’s happening to us in order to make it more tolerable to endure.

That’s why many abuse victims, especially those who suffered sexual abuse, say that they felt like they were watching themselves be abused from the third person’s perspective and it seemed like they were watching a movie rather than being a participant.

Since dissociation is often an aftereffect of trauma, it can routinely reoccur until the emotions related to the trauma are resolved. Regardless of how often you experience it, dissociation can be incredibly unpleasant, terrifying, and debilitating.

Some people describe dissociation as their most horrifying experience. Moreover, experiencing dissociation can create new symptoms or aggravate other underlying problems, and in doing so, make the person’s mental condition even worse.

Childhood trauma and dissociation

Commonly, dissociation experienced as an adult is rooted in one’s childhood.

Since a child is dependent on their caregivers and their brain is still developing, they are unable to deal with their trauma by themselves. However, their caregivers are often unable or unwilling to comfort the child and help them overcome it without severe aftereffects.

Not only that, the child’s caregivers may even be the ones who traumatize the child. It’s not to say that it always happens out of spite, but even when done with good intentions or out of ignorance, the effects on the child’s psyche are as they are.

So what does a child do when they experience stress and trauma? Since they can’t resolve it by themselves, they dissociate. This usually occurs early and routinely. Not every trauma is “big” and evident, but even things that don’t seem like a “big trauma” can be very traumatic to a child.

So, we experience many traumas and “microtraumas” as children. And since a common reaction to trauma is dissociation, we dissociate. And over time, two main dissociative behaviors are the result. One, we may suffer from episodes of dissociation (generally, PTSD and C-PTSD).

And two, we learn to deal with emotional distress by participating in dissociative behaviors, such as addiction to food, sex, drugs, TV, the Internet, attention, sports, and anything else that helps us repress our painful emotions.

Moreover, a child can’t attribute responsibility for their trauma to their caregiver since they need them to survive, so they learn to blame themselves for it, which creates a myriad of other problems, but we won’t talk about those in this article.

People’s stories about dissociation

Recently on my website’s Facebook page, I shared two posts about dissociation. One was a picture with a quote explaining what it is (added here), and the other was a quote from my book Human Development and Trauma:

“Many abused children dissociate and unconsciously warp their perception of reality in order to survive. Naturally this requires that they justify the abusive behavior of their caregivers.”

Under those posts, some people shared their experiences and thoughts regarding dissociation, so I would like to add them to this article.

One person writes this:

“I permanently dissociated, my development was arrested at 13 years when my aunt accused me of trying to seduce her husband who was lusting for me. I spent most of my adult year feeling like a 13-year-old. Healing has allowed for a shift from that state to feeling more adult-like.”

This person shares their dissociation experience starting as early as 3 years old:

“I remember leaving my own body at night from the age of 3ish as my parents would be beating each other to death downstairs. I grew up thinking I really could fly. I only learned of disassociation last year.”

Another person says this:

“Sleep has always been an issue. If I did manage to sleep it was full of vivid horrid dreams. I had two regular dreams all my life. I was always a big reader. Escaping into books I was guaranteed a happy ending. I had to. I was exposed to awful things as far back as I can recall.”

For this person, as for all of us, repressed trauma manifested itself in nightmares:

“I remember that every time something traumatizing happened in my family, right before sleep in my bed I tried to convince myself that It didn’t happen and after that I used to have nightmares of being chased by a horrible monster in an abandoned factory or something. Now after a lot of studying I realized that it was my brain entering REM mode in order to storage the traumatic experience deep in my subconscious so I can consciously forget about it.”

This person feels dissociation when having an aural migraine, which I can confirm from my personal experience too:

“I don’t want to reduce this by any means because this may not be seen as traumatic to others however, this happens to me when I get migraines. I don’t know if it is part of the migraine symptoms or if I am disassociating because they hurt so much for such a long period. I feel far away, muffled, floaty kinda dreamlike. I respond slower cause I feel that people are not talking directly to me. My speech is slow and I feel like I am watching a TV show or like if I am drunk/stoned. It’s weird. This happened throughout my life because I have migraine with aura/fainting spells. It’s a scary uncontrolled feeling.”

And this person’s comment explains very well how dissociation is both terrifying and necessary to cope with enormous emotional and psychological pain:

“The most unreal experience of my life, literally. Would never want to experience it again. As distressing as it was, it was a relief as well. The feeling of being outside of oneself and everyone else, the inability to connect to reality, is the most distressing, but the inability to do that gives you a break from the current trauma, and there’s relief in that.”

Darius Cikanavicius

Dr. Jeffrey Levine a Hartford Therapist Licensed Psychologist with over 40 years of clinical experience. He specializes in treating adults in individual psychotherapy, with expertise in trauma focused hypnosis, energy transformational healing and Internal Family Systems.

[sarahburness]

Loving Yourself Through Addiction and Relapse: Be Patient with the Process

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” ~Nelson Mandela

It’s a cold winter day. As I plunge my hand down into the wax paper bag, I fully expect to find another bite or two. But, alas, there are only crumbs.

A distinct wave of sadness shoots through my heart. The chocolate scone is gone. And I don’t even remembered eating it.

It is in this moment that I wake up. I quickly shake my head from side to side, as if rousing myself from a long night of troubled dreams.

What have I just done? What about the vow I’ve made to myself, again and again?

For years I have known that the best thing for my body’s healing process is to eat fresh, whole, organic foods (lots of leafy greens, fruits, and nuts!) and to avoid ingredients that overstimulate my endocrine and nervous systems, such as sugar and wheat flour.

And yet, today, here I am again. Eating some stupid, cheap scone I picked up on impulse at the local bakery. Full of who-knows-what ingredients.

Here I am again. Ignoring my own wisdom. Falling back into the food addiction that has plagued me since childhood.

Today I have lost control.

I pull my car over into a parking lot. (Yes, I have been mindlessly scarfing that darned scone while driving!) I take a deep breath.

Now is definitely the time for some self-love.

Addiction is a Dirty Band-Aid 

Whether you struggle with a food addiction like I do or you deal with drug or alcohol addiction, every addiction is the same. An addiction is a loss of control over one’s behavior.

Our addictive behaviors don’t just randomly happen for no reason. They are a symptom of a deeper issue.

Why do we get addicted?

That scone or that cocktail or that cigarette brings about a temporary cessation of suffering. They block sadness, tension, fear, pain, boredom, and anger. They numb any and all negative emotions.

To put it simply, an addiction is a coping mechanism. It allows us to trudge onward in life, but without really looking toward the deeper issues.

An addiction may be a short-lived, temporary cure for the pain—but, as we all know, it’s not a long-term solution.

Running to our addiction is like slapping a Band-Aid on the wound—a Band-Aid that is dirty. Over time, the wound gets infected with the dirt and grime, and it worsens rather than heals.

The Addiction is Not the Problem

Here’s the thing about addiction, dear friends: The addiction is not really the problem. The addiction is the glaring symptom.

If we can look deeper than the symptom and see the situation from a holistic point of view, then we may begin to bring about a resolution to much of the suffering in our lives.

So, what is the deeper issue? What lies at the root of addiction?

Ultimately, all addiction—no matter the type or the severity—stems from a lack of connection. When we feel disconnected from other people, from our society, from our deepest hopes and dreams, and from a sense of love, then this disconnection brings about powerful emotions. These emotions hurt, and so we run to the seeming solace of the addiction.

The addiction may seem, on the surface, as if it’s the problem, but actually it’s not. The addiction is, in reality, a helpful pointer, showing us that there’s some internal healing we need to do.

The wonderful thing about addiction is that it is a powerful red STOP sign. It screams loudly: “Look! There’s a problem!”

Addictions help us get in touch with our inner self. Just like a cough helps us connect with the needs of our lungs (do I need fresh air? do I need more exercise? do I need to take certain herbs?), an addiction helps us get in touch with the needs of our heart.

Our heart is the seat of all emotion. Our heart is where feelings arise, are felt, and then released.

When we feel a lack of connection and love, we do not feel safe. We do not feel safe enough to explore the many emotions that can arise as a human being in our daily lives.

When we feel disconnected, negative emotions can feel overwhelming and scary. This is particularly true for those with abuse or trauma in their life history.

The addictive behavior is a misguided attempt to self-soothe. We believe that if we eat that scone or we drink that beer, then those scary emotions will stop and we will somehow be safe, somehow feel connected again.

But we all know that doesn’t work. What ends up happening is that, once the temporary high wears off, we are left feeling crappier than ever.

The addiction is not the problem. The problem, rather, is the false perception that there is no love, no connection.

Rising from Bottom

The cliché of the “rock bottom” is a cliché because it’s true. Most addicts eventually experience it.

Rock bottom looks different for everyone. It will have varying levels of intensity and consequences.

For some, the bottom is drastic: a suicide attempt, an illness, or a hospitalization. For some, it will simply be a very sad day when they realize that the time has come to change.

This time of rock bottom is the moment when we begin to wake up. It’s the time when the healing can truly begin.

For me, my rock bottom with food addiction came when my body had disintegrated nearly to the point of death.

I was on my perhaps my tenth round of antibiotics that year and having a severe allergic reaction to the medication. Delusional with a high fever, unable to lift myself from bed and barely able to call for help, I realized I probably would not live much longer if I did not change just about everything in my life. Shortly after, I began to explore the world of alternative medicine and began to clean up my diet.

We can think of this rock bottom—this intense realization that things need to shift—as the bottom of a spiral. This spiral begins at ground zero, and it moves upward through time.

As the days, weeks, and months pass, and we dedicate ourselves to a new way of being, we will have various challenges that arise. We will learn and grow and allow our emotions to be felt, rather than running from them. We will heal old wounds from childhood that have been lurking for many years.

Over time, with patience, we will be slowly shifting our perspective. We will become a new and better version. We will be moving from contracted perceptions of disconnection, lack, and fear, into expanded perspectives of connection, abundance, and love.

Through the adoption of various healing practices such as meditation, support groups, therapy, prayer, Reiki, or exercise, we come into greater harmony within ourselves. We learn to love ourselves.

Relapses and the Spiral of Evolution

In my struggle with addiction (not just with food, but with many other substances over the years), I have realized I am grateful to addiction. Addiction has played a very powerful role in my spiritual evolution.

Addiction is a powerful point of change. It is a journey inward. It the journey of becoming aware and conscious.

As we humans make this journey, and break the cycles of addiction, it’s so important to remember that change is not linear and it’s often not easy. Relapses happen.

The spiral analogy can be helpful. If we imagine that we are travelling upwards in consciousness, to greater and greater levels of joy, power, and self-awareness, then we can avoid traps of self-blame when we do occasionally relapse.

That day when I woke up to find scone crumbs on my lap was a challenging day indeed. I’d just had a disagreement with my roommate and was struggling with money issues. When I stopped at the bakery that day, intent on buying some tea, those scones whispered sweet love songs to me and I could not find the willpower to resist.

In that relapse, I temporarily lost sight of my own truth: That I want to avoid sugar and wheat flour in order to heal my body.

In that relapse, I was returning to the particular side of the spiral that was so known and comfortable: running to unhealthy food for comfort.

And yet, even though I had returned to that old familiar side of the spiral, I actually experienced this relapse from a greater height! In other words, in this relapse, I was able to more quickly move past it and get back to my own power.

It took just a few minutes and I forgave myself and moved into self-acceptance. I did not beat myself up.

In that cold car on that cold winter day, I placed my hands on my heart, and whispered some words of love and reassurance to myself. In the past, in the beginning of my healing journey with food, I might have added a cookie or a brownie on top of the scone, as a way to escape the terrible emotions of self-judgment and guilt. But—this time I didn’t! 

Love Yourself and Heal 

A relapse is nothing to be ashamed of. It happens.

If you or someone you love has been healing a pattern of addiction, please know that patience is key.

The spiral of evolution will bring you situations that will test your courage and self-awareness. Sometimes you will succumb. And that’s okay!

If you wake up and suddenly find yourself acting in a way that you know is not your highest good, then congratulate yourself for waking up. Take stock of your long-term changes and pat yourself on the back for coming this far.

Notice how you can more quickly bounce back from the relapse, with greater levels of patience and self-love. Notice how awesome you are!

Ultimately, the journey of addiction recovery is a journey of healing. And it’s a journey all humans go through, as we refine to greater and greater levels what it means to love and care for ourselves.

About Anya Light

Anya Light, PhD, is the author of Opening Love: Intentional Relationships & the Evolution of Consciousness. Her soul mission is to inspire people to greater and greater levels of self-love. Anya offers intuitive life coaching sessions at AnyaLight.com.

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from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/change-challenges-blog/loving-yourself-through-addiction-and-relapse/

[alllthingsme]

A note you'll probably never read.

I haven't posted on here in a while. Mainly because of so many changes happening with moving to nyc and starting grad school. But sometimes on nights like these, it feels nice to write out what I'm feeling. To certain people even. Knowing they will probably never read it but atleast knowing its out there should they one day stumble upon it...

It's been almost a year now since my ex left me. And it was a really rough breakup for me. Already dealing with and trying to find the best treatment for my anxiety and depression, I put a lot of strain on my ex that he didn't deserve. I'm not going to pretend he didn't have his faults in the relationship because he certainly did and I'm sure he would still agree to that. But even after the breakup I just fell apart. I lost control and had a total breakdown. I harassed him. Texted and called him incessantly because I was terrified of being abandoned.... Again. I know now had I just given him the time and respected the distance he needed, the outcome may have very well been different. But you know what they say. Hindsight is 20/20. And now there's nothing I can do to change the person I ruined. And though that person was myself I'm a lot of ways, the person I really destroyed was my ex. I, being the damaged and broken (still am, but you know shatter a plate a few times and you'll never put it all back together) person that I was (am) I brought down another human being. Someone I love and care immensely about. Someone who literally and I mean LITERALLY put their entire life on hold for me. And I am so ashamed of myself for everything that I did.

This past year I've been through a lot. And had to admit things and discover things about myself that I'm really not proud of. I fell into a major depressive episode. I had panic attacks daily. I wasn't eating. I didn't sleep for 8 nights straight. I missed several days of work.Had panic attacks at work and had to be relieved so that I could go home. I was literally on a very dangerous and terrifying path to a mental breakdown. One I ultimately ended up having the night I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully my roommate came home and found me, but I hardly remember that now. It took months to recover and I still haven't. (Clearly I'm writing in my blog at 3 in the morning almost a year after he dumped my sorry ass) I ended up seeing a counselor for a while before I moved and discovered a lot about my mental health. More precisely my diagnosis. I also had several visits to my primary care physician to trial and error about 6 different psychiatric drugs before finding the combination and cocktail if you will that has worked most effectively. (The one I'm on now... One mood stabilizer, one antidepressant, and one sedative later and here we are--- all better right?) that in itself was truly draining and exhausting. Switching and weaning off one med and on to another. Going from one side effect to others. I have never felt so emotionally drained as I did when I was trying to find the right medicine.

However, more importantly I began to really understand why I was feeling and acting and behaving the way that I was. I later came to find out that along with my anxiety and depression I have a borderline personality disorder. Which didn't surprise me because it's hereditary and my grandmother had it as well. Including the others. But with it I finally found the answer to the irrational and terrifying behaviors I hardly remember or have an recollection of doing. On the night I attempted suicide, I got off work and drove (hysterically crying and having a panic attack) to my exes house calling him on the way and begging him to talk to me and see me. And to this day I don't remember driving there or back. I don't remember getting home. I don't remember doing any of it. I remember parts of it as if I were watching someone else do it. But not as myself. I remember feeling like I was watching myself open the bottle of trazadone and throwing back a few thousand milligrams. I remember it as if I were watching a movie. a bystander screaming at me to stop. Like I had lost all control of my own body. I guess I heard myself screaming though because that's when I immediately stuck my finger down my throat to try and throw up every pill I had swallowed. I began to vomit and dropped the rest of the bottle in the toilet before passing out from hypervenalting in the bathroom floor.

To this day it remains one of the most hauntingly terrifying moments of my entire life and I don't even remember it as if it happened to me. I remember it as if I were watching it happen to someone else. Which I would later understand to be symptom of a dissociative personality disorder. Also a symptom of BPD which now all makes sense. Dissociation occurs when your mind separates itself from your physical being and detaches from reality. It's a coping mechanism used by people who undergo serious trauma in life. As a way to protect themselves by detaching from the moment and seeing the events unfold from a third person perspective so as to not be the direct victim. Given my childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse... I guess that now all makes sense. It's something I later realized I experienced during my severe panic attacks. A loss of control. Impulsive and obsessive behavior free to inhabit my body while I was temporarily "out for lunch- be back when the trauma is over".

It's truly terrifying to experience and also quite shameful. It has caused a lot of havoc in my life and made me realize how much I am to blame for so many fights and arguments. And breakups. Abandonments. Which brings me to the real point of this post- acknowledging the role I played in tearing apart the relationship I lay here at 3:30 in the morning crying over despite the fact that it ended a year ago.

I was controlling. Manipulative and just all around a really shitty boyfriend. I have/had deep rooted insecurities that constantly made me feel as if I wasn't good enough or that I was going to be left or abandoned again (guess I was right). I constantly feared he would find someone better or realize that he already had it with his best friend and didn't need me anymore.

Because of that, I ruined everything. I ruined me. Us. And him... Him. I did that. This man put his life on hold for me. Put off his dream of moving to New York so that he could stay behind and be with me. Take care of me and start a relationship with me. He did all of that for me and I was too fucking blind to see it. Though I wanted to support and push him to move he wouldn't. He stayed for me and then when everything fell apart, I left. He slipped up and made stupid decisions to which he is now suffering from... He lost his security. His apartment in Manhattan. He lost his way and it was and is... All my fault. And I am so torn up about it because everyday I just want to drive down, throw his shit in the car and drive him up here where he belongs and I can't. There's nothing I can do now. He won't talk to me. He won't answer me. He wants absolutely nothing to do with me to the point that I can't even reach out to him without the fear of being charged with harassment. I failed him. And us and I dropped all the pieces of our relationship into his lap and expected him to fix it all without ever taking 2 seconds to think about him and what he needed.

He later confessed that he never felt like he could share anything with me because I always changed the subject to myself. I used to hate that he wouldn't open up to me because it made me feel like he didn't care enough to. I could feel him drifting apart in the final months. He got less intimate. He stopped caring as much. He wouldn't hold me in bed. He wouldn't kiss me as long or hug me as hard. I slowly felt him slipping through the cracks of my fingers like sand, without ever once trying to tighten my grip and take initiative to turn things around. Instead, I made them worse. And continued doing so after he left.

Now. I'm in grad school. I'm in way over my head with a double masters program at a prestigious world renowned university that I am terrified I'll fail out of. Living in a city I love without the one who made me fall in love with it. 500 miles away from a man I haven't seen in months but still find myself crying over at 3:30 in the morning on a Saturday night. And on top of that, he is stuck in the shit hole town I handcuffed him to and feeling like a complete failure because of my Bullshit.

I posted something a while back out of anger. That I never should have said. Let alone post. I called him out. On everything. The mistakes he'd made. The mistakes I had made but had blamed on him. I called him names I never meant. And worst of all. I called him a failure for not moving away and making it to the city. A dream he's had for years. A dream he put on hold, to be there and support me while I chased after mine. And I called him a failure for that.... Yeah. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't blame him. And while he didn't know it at the time, I posted it to my blog but not publicly. It was a private post I had written just to vent. Which was suppose to be the extent of it until I spiraled into a rage of anger and sadness that led to me sending him the post directly via email. I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I wanted to hurt him that way. Because he didn't and never deserved it.

He doesn't know it but every now and then I lose what little self control I've developed and scroll through his tumblr. Often times just to see how his mood is that day and if he seems to be okay. Because I worry about him so much. Even still today. Sometimes there will be a post with a hash tag or comment that I almost guarantee Is about me. Sometimes I wonder if he knows I do it and post certain things on purpose. Who knows?

I guess part of me secretly hopes he does the same. And that one day he'll stumble across this post and read it and see the apology I so badly want to give him in person. An apology for so many things that I'd never deserve forgiveness for but would love the opportunity to atleast tell him. For the way that I acted both during. And after our relationship. The way I handled it. The breakup. The way I failed to respect him afterwards and give him space and time. The way I didn't listen. The way I selfishly did what I wanted with out ever thinking about how it would affect him or what he specifically wanted. I've since tried to do those things. I've accepted and acknowledged the fact that I'll probably never hear or see from him again. And never get the chance to say I'm sorry the way he deserves. Not that any amount of apology can make up for the turmoil and emotional damage I have caused. And not that I even deserve the chance to apologize. But maybe one day? Right. Probably not but I can't help but hang on to a little part of me that hopes I'm wrong.

Tyler, If you ever read this I want you to know that I am sorry. Truly and gunienly sorry for everything. I had something extraordinary right in front of me and I took it for granted. I lost site of what I had and I let it get away from me. I was emotionally abusive and will never forgive myself for the pain that I caused. I want you to know that I blame myself every day for the fact that you aren't where you wanted to be In life right now. Had it not been for me, I know you'd be in New York right now. Probably with some man who would have made you twice as happy as I ever could have and chasing your dream and your career. I know it doesn't do any good to say these things now but I want you to know that I am sorry I derailed your train.

But I know you enough to know that despite your fears, your hesitations, you'll find a way. You will make it out of Radford. You will move To new York. You'll slowly but surely work your way towards every dream you've ever had. You'll meet some great guy along the way and he will be truly blessed to have you. I just hope he knows that and doesn't make the same mistakes that I did. I hope the road gets easier for you. I hope you start to realize the beauty and worth in yourself that so many other people do. Because you deserve it more than anyone. You are more than meets the surface and although our journey together didn't last, I'm so glad that I met you and that you took me on it. Meeting you was one of the best things to ever happen to me and is a big part of why I am where I am today. And I'll never be able to thank you or give that back to you like you deserve. But for now I'll continue to think of you every time I pass a "2 bros pizza". When I'm sitting at the bar and look out the window. I'll remember shivering in front of you when you took me outside and told me you loved me for the first time. When I go to boxers, I'll remember you taking me there. Everytime I past Amsterdam, I'll think of you. When I get off the Turnpike and see the toll lane for "ticket" customers, I'll remember how you accidentally drove into a booth that was closed and had no one to hand your ticket to. I'll remember all of those things as I live here to constantly remind myself that you are what drove me to chase my dreams here. And the Hopeless romantic in me will always hope that one day, after you've moved up here, we will run into each other on the subway or downtown somewhere and we can try to work through our past. The Hopeless Romantic in me hopes we can one day work through it all and rebuild a life together because nothing would make me happier than the chance to give you back what you deserve.

I know realistically that will probably never happen but for you it will with someone else and they will be truly blessed and lucky to have you. I hope you know that I never meant to hurt you. I know you don't want to hear from me so I'll continue to keep my distance but just know that even still today...

I love you.