#screaming into the void that is dating apps

[witchescollection]

literally why is dating so hard... where are the polyamorous pagans??? i know they exist!!

[judasofsuburbia]

when renee rapp said "i just want some recognition for having good tits and a big heart"...... yeah</3

[nintendc64]

why is trying to form human connections as an adult just an impossible task. both reaching out to old friends and trying to make new ones. am I doing something wrong

[branches-in-a-flood]

Has anyone used the Her app recently?

Does it still suck?

Please gods help me I am dying here

[outerspacious]

It’s as if … these men don’t even want to talk to me

[seeveekat]

Why are people still weird about asexuals in the year 2023???

[lethal-liability]

TUMBLR STOP GIVING ME BUMBLE ADS AND EXACERBATING MY LONELINESS AAAAAAUGRRRRHHHHGGGGG

[imyourbratzdoll]

𝒖𝒏𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒅

this is the more extended version of my unwanted drabble, thank you to @jessybarnes for some of the ideas. I hope you all enjoy.

summary - steve tricked you before kidnapping you, leaving you locked away in the basement as you begin to mess with his mind.

warning - angst, mentions of killing, mentions of sadness, mentions of being trapped.

the gif and headers I use aren't mine.

Warnings and Reminders - Please do not plagiarise, copy, repost/republish, adapt, or translate any of my work on any social media platforms, apps, or third-party sites. The only platforms I post my work on are: Tumblr and Wattpad. I do not own any character of any franchise (Marvel etc.) All my works are fiction and may be dark or triggering content: READ ALL WARNINGS BEFORE PROCEEDING.

“What? You want me to meow or something?” 

Steve sat there shocked, staring at you with wonder. It’s as if you had no care and weren’t freaking out like others. He stares into your eyes, seeing nothing there, and his head tilts as he looks at you. “No..?” He looks confused, wondering. “How do you feel?” 

“I don’t.” You state, turning your head back to the wall and staring at it. You miss how his eyebrows shoot up. “So… When are you going to kill me?” You pick at your nails, continuing to feel stupid for thinking someone like him would actually want you. You turn your head when you don’t hear a response and tilt your head as he stares at you, confused. “That’s why you tricked me, right? To kill me, you didn’t exactly pretend to like me, drug me, and tie me up in your basement because you’re madly in love with me, and that’s the only way you thought you could get me.” 

“You’re not afraid? Why aren’t you screaming, crying or swearing at me?” He’s so confused, getting closer to you, kneeling before you as he looks into your eyes. “Why is there nothing? You’re so empty.” 

You blink, staring at him blankly. “If you don’t mind, ‘Steve’. I would like not to talk and for you to just get to the point.” You move away from him, crawling up the bed and lying on your back as you stare at the ceiling. “I’ll be here… Waiting patiently for my death. Not like I have anywhere to go.” 

You let out a sigh when he left the room, one side of your mind begging for him to stay and the other staying quiet. You couldn’t let yourself fall for his stupid face again, and you didn’t want to beg someone to love you. You wanted that to come naturally. But you don’t think that will ever happen because… You were you, and people didn’t like what they saw.

Steve was curious, and you were like a puzzle to him. He had never met anyone so void of emotion and missed the woman he met. You seemed so happy and carefree, sure. He did notice that you were more closed off and didn’t seem to let him so close. He wanted to change that. He needed some sort of reaction, some sort of emotion. How can you be so calm during all this? Steve left you alone for a while, barely acknowledging the other women locked up, barely acknowledging his wife and kids, or the women he promised dates to. You were occupying his mind, and it was driving him crazy. He had destroyed most of the upstairs, trying anything to get you out of his head. He couldn’t take it. The look in your eyes, your words, it was all getting to him.

Steve remembered your dates and how you told him about the books you used to write. He recalled that you said it was the only thing that made you genuinely feel something, and an idea sparked. Steve gathered a notebook, some pens, and some food and water before making his way down to the basement. He knocks on the door before sliding it open and smiling at you. “I brought you something that I think you’ll enjoy.” You continue to stare at the wall, your eyes tired. Steve sighs, softly walking over and placing the items before you. “I’m trusting you with these pens, but if you do something—”

“You’ll what? Kill me?” You scoff, eyes slowly moving to connect with his. “That was already your plan, and this would make the killing go faster.” You roll your eyes, barely looking at the things he placed before you. “Did you need anything else? Because I’d rather you just hurry this along.” Your head turns again, ignoring him because what was the point of giving him any more attention? 

“Why are you behaving like this? I bought you some of the things I remember you talked about. You should at least feel happy?” Your head falls back as you let out a laugh, startling Steve, who stares at you as if you’ve grown three heads. “What? What’s so funny?!” Why wouldn’t you just submit?! Why were you so different from the others?! It bewildered Steve how you could sit so emotionless and then laugh as if he had said something funny.

“You. Do you think giving me a notebook and pens would suddenly make me happy? Did you not stop to think that you are the problem? I have already come to terms with the fact that no one will ever love me, that you only pretended so you could kidnap me and kill me. So why aren’t you killing me?! Why are you taking your sweet time?!” You snap, struggling against the chains as you stand and move toward Steve, punching his chest. “Kill me! Kill me, goddammit!” You scream, your eyes are still emotionless, yet your words hold so much power.

Steve holds your wrists, stopping you from hitting him. He stares down at you, wondering why his heart clenches like this. “No.” He moves away, needing to get out of this room and get away from you as you make his head fuzzy. He watches as you stare at him in disbelief.

“So, what… I’m not good enough to love and not good enough to kill either?” You sink back onto the bed, your eyes staring at the wall as you realise you will never be good enough for anything or anyone. Steve quickly leaves the room, going through the house, destroying more things on the way. How could you get into his head like this? No one else had done it, so why were you so different?

You sat there, staring at the untouched notebook before slowly reaching for it, and as you grabbed the pen, the words began to flow out of you and onto the page. Everything you felt deep inside was coming out through stories. Not feeling in the mood to eat or drink, you spend most of the day and night writing. As many more days pass, Steve comes in and out with more gifts and food. You continued to ignore him, not knowing how to react, waiting for him to decide when it was your time to die finally. But the day never came. You think a month had passed, but you weren’t so sure. Steve walked into your room, undoing the chains and holding out his hand. “C’mon. I’ve prepared us some dinner.” You stare at him warily before slowly standing and following him. He leads you to the kitchen and pulls out the chair for you. 

“Why am I out here?” You sit, tapping the table, watching him place the food onto the plates, not daring to touch it as Steve sits across from you. 

“I’ve come to realise something, and at first, it scared me. You’re different from the rest.” You scoff, rolling your eyes. “I’m serious. Do you know how confusing this is for me? You’ve taken over my mind, and I can’t focus on anything else.” 

“Oh, I’m so sorry that I’ve stopped you from tricking other women into believing you love them.” Your eyes roll again, leaning back into the chair. “Do you need a tissue?” You pick up the napkin beside your plate, offering it out to him.

Steve stares at you blankly, his eye twitching as he’s stuck between wanting to strangle you and make love to you. “No, I do not need a tissue. I’m trying to tell you that I feel something for you.” He’s startled again as you laugh.

“You feel something for me?” You feel tears prick your eyes as you continue to laugh. “Oh, god. That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve heard. I think you are delusional.” You shake your head, and your laughter slowly dies down. Your eyes connect with him, and you stare. “You’ve already got me here. You don’t need to keep lying to make yourself feel better.” You continue to tap on the table. “So… When am I going to die?” 

“You aren’t. I’m keeping you alive.”

“Oh, great. Fantastic. Sounds so fun to be alive and kept locked away in a basement for the rest of my life. Good plan.” You give a little clap and throw him a fake smile. But deep down, your stomach twisted, and your heart dropped. This was worse than waiting to die. Now you would be locked away, unloved, and eventually wither away. Your expression on the outside stayed void of any emotion. 

“No, you will stay up here. With me.” 

You wished you had never even gone to that stupid market. You wished you had never believed Steve’s stupid words or smile. How could you be so stupid to believe someone would ever choose you?

You were unwanted.

thank you for reading!

feedback and reblogs are greatly appreciated.

[anjuschiffer]

The Void You Left Behind

For @official-timari-server event: Shutterbug Station 2024

Prompt: Dwelling

-

Tags: @toodaloo-kangaroo @vixen-uchiha

-

A03

When was the last time I was here? Luka found himself asking himself as he turned the key to their apartment. 

Was it after the funeral? 

Or a few days after? 

Was it when he let Alya clean the apartment?

He couldn’t quite remember, but even so, he stepped in.

Why was it so dark in here? And cold? Wasn’t it always nice and warm?

Maybe it was because he hadn’t been here in a while. Yeah, that had to be it.

He probably remembered it wrong.

Luka kicked his shoes at the entrance, stumbling over one as he stepped further into their apartment. He cursed it as he let his bag drop to the floor, listening as the thud echoed out into the kitchen.

It was only then that he realized that he was probably going to have to order take out. After all, he wasn’t greeted by the usual aroma of freshly baked bread he would often smell upon opening the apartment. He stared at the barren counter and unused stove.

“Luka! Welcome back!”

For once, Luka saw the kitchen tidy and sparkling clean. Something he rarely saw in their five years of residing in their apartment.

Usually, he’d see the occasional pot or pan on the counter or on the stove. Some days it was a pastry on the counter cooling off or a plate of food waiting for him. There were days where he saw a timer and scattered recipes on the counter followed by a yell telling him to check the stove or oven.

“Luka! Can you taste the soup?”

His stomach growled, signaling him to hurry up with the ordering. So he made his way to their couch to be able to think about his possible decisions for dinner.

As he made his way over, he could hear each and every step he took with clarity, hating that his socks didn’t muffle it one bit. 

He plopped himself onto the couch, quickly opening up his phone and scrolling through apps to see what he wanted to order. He felt the couch dip next to him, a smile curling on his lips as he felt something warm lean into him.

“Hey Mari, want any-” Luka stopped himself when he realized no one actually sat next to him, feeling his throat close up at the realization.

With his hunger long gone, he decided to just watch something on the tv when he realized that the remote wasn’t on the coffee table where it usually rested…on top of the coaster Mari made when they first moved into the apartment.

Luka picked up the crocheted coaster, chuckling at the uneven stitching and obvious mistakes she did while trying to make the round edges of the flower.

“Must you keep reminding me of your absence?” He whispered to himself, laying the coaster back onto the table as he got up, barely registering the answering machine that went off in the kitchen.

“-it’s Tim…just wanted to let you know…if you can’t stay the night, you know you can always stay with us again, okay? Just…call me when you can…okay? ”

He walked past barren walls that were once covered with their wedding photos and photos of their many dates. Photos of their friends and miscellaneous trinkets they would buy while they traveled the world. Photos that were now stored in their guest room that was probably thickly coated in dust.

Getting closer to their room, he swore he heard a voice coming from it, only to find no one there.

Instead, something shiny caught his attention thanks to the small crack of light that made its way through the curtains, causing a reflection to bounce off the metallic item laying on their bed.

He approached it, his throat completely closing up as he picked it up.

Her wedding ring.

The same ring she wore the day she died in the car accident.

The ring that matched his own.

A ring that was the pair to the one he never took off ever since they got married seven years ago. 

A ring that once symbolized their promise to each other.

“Til death do us part.” Luka croaked out, feeling his knees give out. 

He screamed into the bed sheets, gripping at them as he finally let out everything he had been bottling up all this time.

He didn’t know how long he had screamed and cried for, but he knew it was for a while.

His eyes felt heavy as he stared at the ring in front of his feet, laughing back at him as he pulled the comforter closer to his skin.

Despite its looks, the comforter felt cold against his skin. It did not comfort him in any way; it felt nothing like Marinette’s warm embraces. 

Something he had to learn to live without…

A life without Mari…

He slowly closed his eyes, the quietness of the apartment lulling him to sleep.

He hoped he would never wake up…

[yuu-kumeii]

˚₊‧꒰ა Let's Cherish Every Moment We Spend Together ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

┈ ⋞ 〈 FIRST OF ALL . . . 〉 ⋟ ┈

ೃ⁀➷ I'D LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE ᰔᩚ

╰┈➤ For reading my works and following me ❣ Honestly, I never thought I'd get this many followers ❀(*´▽`*)❀ Definitely thought I'd be screaming my headcanons and ideas into the void... But ever since I wrote those first 3 pieces, the amount of attention they got was way bigger than I thought it'd be Σ(゜゜) and while I know that ideas like my kiss-o-meter fic were one in a million, I hope you guys can stick around for the other 19237 ideas I have ˙˚ʚ(´◡`)ɞ˚˙

ೃ⁀➷ THANKS ESPECIALLY TO MY MUTUALS 𓆩ꨄ︎𓆪

╰┈➤ Even if I don't say it often (or at all for that matter) I hope you know that I genuinely appreciate you guys for being my friend on this little app I downloaded on a whim (* ´ω` *) I'll try my best to interact with you guys more and send random asks just to have a chat if you'd have me ❣ Love you guys and I hope we can get to know each other a little more each day ♡

┈ ⋞ 〈 NOW THE REAL SHOW STARTS . . .〉 ⋟ ┈

ೃ⁀➷ WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO A PLACE WHERE NO SCENARIO IS MERE FANTASY

╰┈➤ In this realm, you will be able to live out the moments you've always dreamed of! Loving a prince? Sharing stories over an enchanted tea party? Whatever you imagine, it will play out right here with you as the protagonist ᰔᩚ

╰┈➤ THE RULES OF THIS REALM ARE LAID OUT AS FOLLOWS...

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ THIS EVENT WILL LAST UNTIL DECEMBER 25TH, ANY REQUESTS MADE AFTER THE END DATE WILL NOT BE WRITTEN!

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Finding the magic in the mundane is our theme this time, though this may change the next time the realm opens up ❣

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Feel free to pick out any combination of prompts from the lists provided!

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Don't forget to state which character you'd like to be your male lead ♡

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ If you can, please be more descriptive in your request to make things easier for our playwright

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Although my usual rules apply, they might be a little more lenient for this event

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Not all scenarios will be available on the lists so if you have an idea that is similar to the theme, feel free to add them in your request to see if it's acceptable!

‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎❥ Example of a request, "Hi there! Can I request Kenma + 3 for prompt + 17 for au with fem reader?"

┈ ⋞ 〈 TAKE YOUR PICK . . .〉 ⋟ ┈

ೃ⁀➷ AU LIST

╰┈➤ Pick and choose the world around you! What jobs would you have? What relationships do you foster? Where do you find one another? So many questions...!

ೃ⁀➷ PROMPT LIST (QUOTES AND IDEAS)

╰┈➤ Get as crafty as you'd like dear audience, there's so many ways you can turn your relationship upside down! Or would you rather it be on the right side up? Your choice!

ೃ⁀➷ A SPECIAL TREAT (SIMPLE DRAWING REQUESTS)

╰┈➤ Your creations are your greatest treasures and they are all your own! Any original characters you have could be brought to life, if you'd let this humble costume designer do so...

Again, thank you so much to everyone for helping me reach this 300 follower milestone! This one's for all of you, so please enjoy!

[goddessactuality]

I hate tik tok and tinder and dating apps and youtube and instagram for all the same reason and it's because I hate how people present themselves. No one is able to see what makes them special and it's so repulsive to try and see what they want you to see. Only in documentaries and voyeuristic distance from the subject can I feel any emotion at all for people, it's inhumane and ugly to have to see people the way they want themselves to be seen, it's beautiful and humane to see them as others view them, we need less authorship and more secondhand distanced presentation of people's being otherwise you're stuck with HRH screaming into the void and revealing her ugliest self whereas a second party could present her in a more flattering way, the former is addictive and terrifying and unsettling and --- destabilizing, also this is the exact mechanism that separates the appeal and charm of vine from the horror and toxicity and cringeness of tik tok.

[anon171717anon171717]

I want to scream into the void…here goes

AHHHHHHH

But actually I’m having so many charli xcx coded “I think about it all the time”-coded moments because I am a quarter of a century old but have never had a relationship and I think about it all the time that I might run out of time to find someone but then also I don’t really put myself out there much but how can I put myself out there in a productive way because I’m not going to meet a man at work (just the nature of my field, it’s highly unlikely) I’m not going to meet a guy doing any of my hobbies because they are very feminine and/or queer and the chances of a man interested in women being in one of those spaces is slim and I don’t think I’m ever going to meet a boy through a dating app because they are wretched and it feels like kissing frogs in the futile hope that my prince is somewhere among the cesspool but dating apps also out so much pressure on things because it feels like I’m supposed to magically know right off the bat what I want because otherwise I’m leading a guy on and I could hurt his feelings, oh no, I don’t want to be mean, but also it’s not like I can try the casual one night stand approach because I’VE NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP so being with a stranger like that is terrifying and I just want to be happy and fulfilled and have someone to be my partner in life and I believe that love is friendship on fire but in order for it to ignite there has to be a friendship there first and that just feels impossible to find oh and also I have anorgasmia and is that caused by the anxiety, the SSRIs to treat the anxiety, or some secret third thing I will never know how to cure, and I just don’t know what people want from me I don’t know what my body wants from me and I don’t even know what I want from me. Anyways.

[xtrashxbunnyx]

tw // ed talk // unfiltered

idk how but I somehow landed on ed blr a few weeks ago (which is one of the reasons why I’ve been avoiding this app and people like the plague lately) but um yeah, it unknowingly triggered something in me that I’m starting to notice (I think accept might be a better word?) I don’t like being vulnerable and I don’t like sharing personal info about me but I guess I need to get my feelings and thoughts out somewhere if I wanna try and move forward. I had a really bad ed years ago, to the point where I fainted in public and was diagnosed with severe malnutrition due to my ed. I went to an inpatient program for a few weeks and keep up with a therapist regularly. I can admit, I’m currently the heaviest weight I’ve ever been, but I never really saw it as bad because even though I’m the heaviest I was also the happiest? I was unapologetically eating what I wanted when I wanted. Enjoying brunch with friends every weekend and enjoying date nights with desserts with my partner regularly. I was happy, it didn’t matter that I had gained this weight. But idk..seeing people’s thinspo and weight catalogs really triggered me into realizing how much I hate my body and I much I missed my body when I weighed 90 lbs. I’ve been doing my old tricks without me realizing (that sounds stupid-I guess I should say I’ve been doing my old tricks without really thinking about it) I’ve been skipping meals, sleeping a lot more (like as much as a possibly can cause how can I be hungry if I’m asleep) and smoking a lot lot lot more. it didn’t really occur to me how bad it was getting until I started panicking thinking about what I would eat and how I’m gonna handle Christmas with all of my family. they know my tricks, they know what I did to hide food and etc. this thought made me stop and realize what I’m doing, and I thought about what I eat lately. and really noticed how I eat once a day most days and I don’t even finish the plate, I completely fast sometimes, I only have liquids sometimes, and even though I eat dinner in front of people sometimes i convince myself that I’m sick with food poisoning to throw it all up. I don’t really know where to go from here, I leave this week to spend Christmas and new years to be with my mom, and I’m hoping that’s going to help me. I don’t talk to my therapist again until the new year, and I also see my doctor in the new year too, which I’m nervous about. my doctor is aware of my problems, he even makes me turn away from the scale when he weighs me, and idk if he’ll notice that I’ve been messing up. He’ll tell my therapist, and she’ll tell my mom (even though I’m an adult-because of all these mental health problems she gets to make all the decisions for me if they deem me not in the right state of mind) this is just…..so much going on. I’ve pushed everyone away from me, and I’m sorry. I’ve seen messages, and I’m sorry I never replied, I’m just, struggling rn. I’m hoping with me being home and seeing a doctor soon will help me get a better grip at what I can do moving forward. sorry, I really needed to scream into the void about this, pls ignore me.

tldr :

[unhingedblahaj]

i yeeted all the dating apps bc i miss how it felt to legitimately hone in on a crush until i feel it in my bones and the devastation hits when you realize it was all in your head. will keep you updated on my mental health as i do this. also if i end up dating her i'm gonna show her this and we'll have a good laugh about providence or something. if not i will continue to scream into the void. yippee

[chiakinanami82]

An Encounter With the Insane

       Jessica sat with a red drink in front of her. Her fingers drummed the black metal table, its surface a tangle of vines. Fog rolled across the floor, people cutting through it to move. Chandeliers decorated the sky while gray stones made up the floor. Whiffs of strawberries oozed out of her beverage.       Her back straightened as she recognized the guy she met on a dating app. His eyes glowed red and his hair drew in all color as he approached her. A suit adorned his body, red lines weaving all throughout the void. A glass eye stared at her from his neck.       "Good evening." He bowed to her.       Her lips reached up as she stood, and with one hand lifting her massive dress, and curtsied. "Good evening to you, sir Richard." He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips.        "The pleasure's all mine." Using the arm in his grasp, he pulled her close to him, wrapping his other limb over her back. His solid chest introduced itself to her face. A cravat tickled the top of her head. "My, my, I didn't know that you were so... taken with me." A slight warmth filled her head, and the scent of his perfume aroused her nose hairs. His perfume held notes of lavender, sunflower oil, and a hint of mango. His nose touched the top of her head, and she heard him take in her scent. "The scent of knowledge envelopes you, my pretty." His arms released her, and she walked back to her chair. He watched her with hawk's eyes.      He leaned over her, getting so close that she could smell the mint on his breath. Her body automatically grabbed the table as his hand caressed her face. "You're such a sight, my dear fortune."     Chills ran down Jessica's spine. Her eyes darted to and fro. Her breath quickened. Nobody was coming.      "Don't tremble like that, ma peche, or you'll make me feel like a peche." A finger traced Jessica's spine, touching the ridges of her corset as well. If her heart was still alive, it would've been beating so much.     Her knee connected with its target, and a yell escaped from the man's mouth. She twisted out of his grasp and jumped on the table.

        A moan sprung from his mouth. "Hahahaha! I didn't know that you were a treatise of love, my lovely vision."      "Who the fuck are you?!" Jessica attempted a kick, but Dick dodged with ease.        "I am who I am. Besides, who are any of us? We're just slabs of meat on a floating rock living in a universe that doesn't care. Feelings are simply hormones, humans are inherently evil, and God is dead. Whether in a suit or a loincloth, people are ignorant little thorns cutting into each other repeatedly, over and over!" Eyebrows raised as his laughter echoed throughout the building, interrupting the music. "Ohohoho, I have a captive audience now!" He flourished his arms in an extravagant manner. "Perfection!"         While the attention preoccupied him, Jessica landed on the floor and started running, but he grabbed her by the wrist. "Oh, my perfectly ripened sight, why do you keep trying? Don't you know? Everything's worthless. Melt into my arms. Become one with me!" A moment of silence permeated the air. "Oh? Your pulse... it's dead. Deader than a cat on Mondays! Hahahaha!" Richard twisted her arm. "Perhaps you're a... vampire. Imagine that, a vampire!" Pain flared up when a loud crunch pierced the air. Tears unveiled themselves, and her throat tore with how much she screamed.

       "Listen to that heavenly hymn, friends! That is the truest form of feeling alive!" He released her, and she crumbled to the floor.

[visible-buttholegirl]

choosing to completely disregard the horror that is currently unfolding in america to boast about some pretty cool things happening in my life. i assume i am screaming into a void here but if there is a real person reading my posts you'll know that i am the most hopeless of gay romantics.

year after year, sitting alone in my bedroom listening to "chill" music and lamenting the fact that i didn't have a boyfriend to talk to, cuddle with, kiss occasionally. repeatedly my friends would tell me that it will come when i least expected it, and it will be so worth the wait, and that was so frustrating to hear as a long-time single person. but it kind of ended up being true... i mean i was in fact on dating apps seeking attention but like i had so many misses up to that point its not like i actually thought something would come of this!

words truly cannot describe how i feel about my boyfriend, he has singlehandedly made this year my best year in a LONG time. its as if my life restarted and i got to experience all these things i never had before, now with this person that wants to be around me all the time. i have never been treated with so much kindness and respect, and it all just makes me so happy.

if it weren't for him, my car probably would have been the sole reason for this year being any better than years past, so its worth bringing up. the convenience and accessibility that my car has brought to my life is truly transformative. i feel so fulfilled every time i get behind the wheel, and i love to take little trips (and bigger ones) and use all the seats and trunk space and feel like an adult person functioning in the world.

i recall a specific journal entry i made on here where i described a camping trip with my then-theoretical boyfriend and my car, and just romanticizing the fuck out of it. that didn't happen this year, but it WILL next year, and we will go on so many adventures its CRAZY.

the one downer for me personally this year has been my employment journey. i started the year at my corporate job that i hated so much for valid reasons, was able to leave it with money in the bank and work full time service industry jobs. then i realized that i HATE service industry and i hate my current job so the last month or two have really been about applying for design jobs again and just hoping i find something with flexibility, benefits and good pay. at this point i just want money, a consistent schedule and benefits so i can go to the dentist lol and in general live my life outside of work. cuz at the end of the day for me, work is work. life is exciting outside of that, and i can be as true to myself as i want outside of work.

my hand is cramping now but final thoughts are i love you boyfriend, i love you car, i hate you work but ✨manifesting✨ a job that works for me soon, and to all my queer, trans, black and brown folk, etc, take care of yourself these next couple of years. we are strong and we WILL be okay!