#will probably delete this later but i just needed to scream into the void | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

momentomori24 · 7 months ago

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Long-ass fandom rant because I need to scream into the void to find a reason to live let's gooooo

[For context I wrote most of this last friday which I thought was good to mention so the timeline makes a bit more sense. I really held off on this one XD Welp, let's start this trainwreck.]

Ok, I know I have other long posts I should be paying attention to (*cough* Keiji's shady shenanigans rant *cough*) among other probably more important things, but quickly wanna get this off my chest because it's kinda started to bug me and add even more concerns about the yttd fandom than I already have. This is specifically going to be about soushin-- yeah, yeah, I know-- but also bleed into something more... broad. Or broader. Idk, I'm a Tumblr user not a grammar teacher.

While browsing through Twitter I've been noticing a little spike in popularity for yttd with more fans and soushin shippers emerging as well. Which is cool, the game deserves all the praise and popularity it can get. And as someone whose been here for years, I'm glad that the fandom is slowly and steadily grown more accepting of soushin compared to the attitude around it way back when. There's been some genuinely really cool stuff that really does the ship justice from a lot of talented artist and writers that I absolutely love (will link some later), but something I've also been seeing a lot of from fans is what I can only describe as a "sanitisation resurgence" (but not really. kinda). A week or two ago on Twitter I stumbled across some soushin discourse where some people were sharing the sentiment that "if soushin end up being related and/or have a big age gap the ship is ruined". That they can only be two years apart max or else Nankidai has "fumbled them".

And the only response to that I had is "what". Like, how is that a deal breaker to you lot? How did you even get into the ship without accepting that those things could very likely end up being canon? How are you here and not ready to ship them no matter what's revealed about them after everything we've learned about them? Midori and Shin possibly being related was always on the table, and Midori potentially having already been an adult when Shin was in high school was always a very real possibility ever since we learned that he was never actually a student at his school. This is literally what soushin shippers got harassed by antis for years ago. Soushin is "problematic", and that's why people who shipped them where treated so badly in the fandom or just excluded all together. I can't count how many timed I've come across a "soushin shippers dni" or "soushiners are freaks and I hope you all have a bad day" or soushin fanfics/art with "I DON'T ACTUALLY SHIP IT BTW" and "not a ship" and "actual soushin shippers dni" attached to it. I can't recall how many times I had to explain myself with the "I ship but I don't condone it irl" or explain why I shipped them to not be labelled as a freak as if you need an excuse to ship anything fictional to begin with. I still remember soushin artist @uououoon and how they ended up deleting their Twitter account years ago because of the harassment and slanderous comments they were receiving for ships the fandom deemed problematic. When a person was saying their goodbyes to them on reddit and made some goodbye art (which is now deleted), some assholes in the comments were calling them weirdos and pedophiles for how they explored fiction and "glorified abuse" (which are the usual comments to uououoon's art posted on reddit unfortunately). I only caught wind of this one because back when they were still active in the fandom they were my favourite soushin artist and I went through their stuff almost every day and was tipped off when I randomly couldn't find their account anymore. They were such a nice and incredibly talented person too so the fact they essentially got bullied by a flock of stupid western fans seriously irritates me thinking about it again. This is why we cannot have nice things.

Soushin is "problematic". It's toxic and subtly abusive and important to the characters in question, but that didn't stop people from going after people who wanted to explore a dark, canon relationship (romantic, platonic or otherwise). How the actual hell did we go from "soushin has very toxic and problematic elements and you shouldn't be shipping it, you fucking freaks" to "you can ship it but don't make it actually problematic, you fucking freaks" like what is happening right now???? The worst part is that this is coming from other soushin shippers. The fact that there's actually soushiners with "proshippers dni" or "soushin is not for proship" genuinely makes me want to bite someone. Like, you horrible summer child-- not only are you demonstrating that you don't even know what "proship" actually means, but you're also spitting in the face of the people in our community that have CARRIED this ship for us for years. Why throw them under the bus to be one of the “good ones” in the eyes of antis when they hate us all anyway?

This brings us back to the sanitisation point: I feel like soushin is slowly being "sanitised" to fit the sensitive palette of antis by trying to make them as "morally acceptable" as possible. It's a worry I’ve had for a long time that once the fandom grows more accepting of the ship we'll be seeing more people basically scrubbing soushin of everything that made, well, soushin, to justify enjoying it. I've seen a bit of it already with a few people trying to say it's "not abusive" or just erase Shin's very obvious trauma by Midori all together for quite some time. Guess it's starting to happen on a bigger scale sooner rather than later. Maybe. Personally I don't think soushin having a big age gap or being related would ruin the ship. It just adds another layer of fucked up to their already fucked up relationship (I already hc Midori to be significantly older anyway so maybe I'm just biased). It doesn't really matter. I came here for toxic yaoi. I want nuclear waste level toxicity, not nuclear waste level toxicity presented in the most conventional and moral way possible. What would the point even be? It’s like packaging poison in a grape juice box. Like, it might be harmless to look at and more justifiable to think of as delicious, but it’s still poison. You making it look all cute and innocent isn’t going to change that. It's kinda funny and by that I mean not really that people will talk about wanting more "toxic yaoi" but when the yaoi is actually toxic and messy and horrific they will cry about it being "bad" or "ruined". You don't actually want dark dynamics, you want dark dynamics stripped of everything that makes them uncomfortable and dark so it's digestible to your tastes that don't even align with said dynamics in the first place. The worst part of this whole "soushin isn't proship so it's fine" bullshit is that it relies on trying to make the ship more "morally acceptable" or "legal" than other ships. Dawg, we are talking about abuse. You shouldn't be minimising that to say "well it's not [insert other terrible thing] so it's fine!!" That's not the "gotcha" you think it is. It’s one of the reasons why antis being into soushin made me feel weird cuz like you can’t ship it and then turn around to insult someone else, man (I’ve seen so many soushin defenders bash other “proships” to justify theirs like what are you doing--).

Realistically, the simplest and smartest thing to do when I see someone mischaracterise or butcher my faves is to either block or ignore and pretend to not care so I don't act on my sixth sense telling me to off them and myself. Realistically, this shouldn't be a big deal or anything that important, but this attitude is usually weaponized to harm and harass people who don't conform to their purity crisis over fiction. I'm in the unfortunate position of being not only a Your Turn to Die fandom dweller, but a Hazbin Hotel and The Coffin of Andy and Leyley one too. I'm used to being labelled a rapist and incest apologist irl who's delusional and deserves to be harassed and insulted by virtue of the media or ships I like (probably not a good thing). But people who are more active in these fandoms than me have it much worse as they get this shit directly waaaay more often while I mostly get called these things indirectly, which is what motivated me more to make this post.

So a couple days ago someone made some art of Monika from ddlc, Nikole (don't know the game sorry) and Ashley from Tcoaal. A lot of people on Twitter, unsurprisingly, bashed it for including Ashley to the point where some felt the need to clarify that they like her as a character but her actions (for some reason I do not understand like Monika has also done some seriously evil shit why are you not applying that logic to her too?). What struck me the most is that a yttd fan-- a self proclaimed "Midori enthusiast"-- ALSO quoted it to bash having Ashley in it. A freaking Midori fan. I told them to mind their business and start separating fiction and reality and to stop being a hypocrite, and thus ensued the most hilarious and stupidest convo I've had in a while:

You can literally count the seconds it takes for these guys to start throwing predator accusations and slurs at people. So "not exploring fiction correctly" makes me weird, but harming or putting real people on blast for nothing is free game, apparently. They're not the worst, both in this instance and in general, but it just stuck with me. Which is impressive, cuz I normally don't have much emotions to spare aside from general mild irritation for things like this. Maybe it's the Sonic feet.

But it ties into my issue. Midori's an absolute piece of garbage, yet some people will convince themselves that his actions are in some way justifiable to justify their hatred of something else (that is a lot less severe in this case) rather than love and let love. Tcoaal is not an "incest game" and if you describe it like that unironically you are not ready to be on the internet. No, it doesn't condone or glorify incest-- it literally does the opposite. If you need the characters to look into the camera and say "what we're doing is wrong and immoral" before doing something bad, I think you're the problem at that point. For the same reason you liking Midori (probably) doesn't mean you support human experimentation and torture, someone liking Tcoaal doesn't mean they support incest and someone shipping soushin doesn't mean they support abuse. These things are dark and shouldn't be condoned irl, but this is fiction. We can do whatever the hell we want. Being into darker themes and media doesn't have to reflect your real world views, but the inability to grasp that sentiment leads people to make their interests as moral and sanitised as possible and, feeling morally superior, will go after people who don't do that. This person deadass said that "incest is not morally grey and absolutely unjustifiable" (didn't even say that it wasn't btw) as if their blorbo hasn't committed so many atrocities for kicks that I personally find more unjustifiable. That line implies that they think that everything else Ashley has done and everything Midori has done can be justified because it wasn't incest specifically, which I find is a WILD thing to insinuate XD But it really does encapsulate the hoops antis will jump through to defend their likes while attacking yours despite the fact that it's literally the exact same as theirs. Rule of thumb: if someone accuses you of condoning something immoral because you like it in fiction, apply that logic to them, look at what they like and if their wet little meow meow is the Joker, Eren, Killua, Makima, Midori or whatever other morally bankrupt character you can come up with, take that as a confession and run. Cuz half the time these guys are actually nuts. While quote tweeting someone to shit on their art isn't the worst thing, considering how twitter has treated tcoaal artists the fact that they'd potentially open them up to harassment pissed me off, which is probably evident from my tone.

[Hi hi, this is me from the present right now cuz a more recent development came up so I’m using it as an example here too.]

While most of the things listed here have all been happening online, this attitude can come up in the real world as well.

As OP states, a bunch of hellaverse cosplayers were targetted at a french convention by haters of the show trying to ruin their cosplay. This is already completely unacceptable but the thing I can’t for the life of me get over is torching their costume while they’re still wearing it. Literally attempting to set someone on fire. All over a fucking show. It’s baffling how people can justify actions like this because they think your taste in fiction is so disgusting it’s Ok for them to hurt you. Not just online, but outside as well. It’s not the first time a hellaverse cosplayer has been harassed (last time it was a Valentino cosplayer but then again Val fans get shit from all sides all the time), and while I’m pretty sure these will remain as isolated cases it’s still scary to think about. What’s even more scary to think about how people think that their opinion on hazbin hotel has any relevance to the situation. So many of the comments in that post are just “I hate Hazbin Hotel, but—” or “I hate the fandom, but--” or “I hate Vivzie, but—” and I’m literally here ready to start pouncing like SHUT UP. No buts. That is not in any way important here. You not liking the show or the creator should not be important to the situation of cosplayers being actively harmed. You don’t have to signal your allegiances before showing basic human empathy, goddamnit. And what’s even worse is that some people have just turned this into a “b-but the hazbin fandom!!” issue, which is insulting. For example:

The “Hazbin fans do blackface and disrespect black people daily” is a reference to ONE Alastor cosplayer that nobody had defended. Not even fans. At least no one I can find. Yet they are using this one bad apple to generalise the whole fandom as "bad" and down play the amount of bullshit the hatedom does to fans on a regular. It kinda makes me feel sick that someone would look at a situation like this and spin this into a “fandom thing” rather than focusing on the victims. That they don’t deserve to be taken as seriously just because of the fandom their in. Some lunatic in the comments was literally completely minimising this whole thing saying “some red paint (fake blood capsules) isn’t nearly as bad as lynching and what black people have gone through in America” before calling anyone who called out that that’s completely irrelevant racist for liking Hazbin Hotel like are you kidding me. My homies in Christ, someone almost got lit on fire can everyone please stay on the goddamn topic. This is one of the rare moments where I was kinda proud of twitter as the majority of the comments and quotes where calling out their bullshit, but the amount of likes and some of the comments are still disappointing.

So what points am I trying to make here? This was very spontaneous and rushed so apologies if it feels messy cuz it very much is messy. But my main points boil down to this: Purification, sanitation and the “fiction equals reality” and "your fictional tastes reflect on you morality irl" arguments need to die. They just have to. While petting Shin on a daily basis gives me enough serotonin to find the will to live, the only true solace I will find is when people start being normal. People shouldn’t be getting harassed or labelled as freaks for fiction you don’t like both online and real life. People are not less worthy of basic human decency and empathy solely based on their fictional interests. People should be able to explore fiction however the hell they want without worrying about there being made a call out post on them somewhere. I search Tcoaal on twitter and there’ll always be a bunch of posts with over 10k likes calling all fans annoying weirdos or say it’s an “incest game” even tho it literally isn’t. I will try looking for some Valangel art on tumblr and see some loser use the tag to basically shit on everyone who ships it and lying about the treatment these shippers get while defending Charlastor or just shit on the ship in general. I just exist on the twitter side of the HH fandom chilling with other Val fans and literally every single one of them has either received death/rape threats or told to kill themselves, got ratio’d by a bunch of haters, had a call out post saying not to follow dedicated to them, had their art reposted and Val scribbled out, repeatedly accused of ““romantising a rapist””, or all of the fucking above. Valentino’s VA gets asked if he’s actually like the character he plays in real life or a fan being “relieved that he didn’t abuse them like Valentino” when they met (kudos to Joel for being chill about it btw I would be fuming this fandom does not deserve this man). I type in a certain controversial yttd ship to search and most of the latest posts are just people being rude, saying that if Nankidai makes them canon they’ll drop the game, calling the man himself a freak, calling other shippers freaks, shitting on soushin as well and then having soushiners defend their ship while also shitting on said controversial ship. It genuinely feels like fanbases are circuses and we are the clowns 💀

I could list other examples people being weirdos but I can't do that without breaking the momentum of this post even more than I already have. I guess what I wanted to vent about is how these attitudes regarding fiction and the way people police how others engage with it and how people think of you based on what you like can go from just annoying to downright dangerous more often than you’d think. That belief that you are morally superior to someone else based on the fact that you ship or like things the “legal” and “pure” and “healthy” way (which is never actually the case btw) can lead to you being really disrespectful or a complete asshole and not feeling bad about it at all, which does more harm than good. Which is why I thought it was important to bring up more extreme cases to empathise how this obsessive gatekeeping of fiction can and does hurt real people, who should be more important to you than fictional characters.

All of this is very likely going to sound very aggressive in tone and I want to quickly clarify that this is not meant to be an attack towards anyone in particular. I'm just tired and recalling all this stuff is making my mood sink like a stone lmao. Who knows, maybe I'm just overexaggerating and things won't get worse when the game gets more popular. This is just what I've been witnessing both in and out of my side of the moon. The amount of yttd fans I've seen act like this are a lot tho. No fandom is perfect obviously, and this one is the farthest from it, but with new people coming in and this weird attitude and need to sanitise not only towards soushin, but other "problematic" ships and media as well growing more prominent (mostly on Twitter and Tiktok) my biggest worry is that the hostility in this fandom will just... increase? Roulettefeel made pretty good posts about it-- my favourites being this one, also this one and this one's pretty short and sweet, summarising most of my soushin points a lot better and shorter than my trainwreck of a post so I recommend checking them out. If you like soushin, go check them out. If you don't like soushin, go check them out anyway. They make stuff outside of soushin too. They're pretty cool.

[I also want to add that the whole sanitisation thing in the yttd fandom is nothing new. It’s been a thing for longer than I have been here. I’ve just been seeing it again with soushin, which is was what made me want to do this in the first place. There’s another dynamic the fandom obviously does this for, but uttering it would not only get me flamed but straight up burned at the stake of bad takes so I’m saving that for a rainy day.]

Aaaaannd, I'm done, I think. I didn't have a good conclusion for this in mind. Idk, just be nice? You don't have to like "proships" (or what the fandom has defined as proship cuz that's not the actual definition), but that's what the block buttons for. Don't like, don't read, I say. Fandoms are for everyone and as long as what the person is doing is harmless, let them feel safe being themselves without having to worry about someone coming after them. Real life cops already suck. Let's not bring them into our collective escapism. And something you personally don't like ending up canon doesn't mean the game or ship is "ruined". That doesn't just go for soushin. That goes for other things too. To tie up loose ends, soushin having an age gap or being related has always been on the table and fits with other themes in the narrative. That does not count as "bad" if it makes sense. Soushin is not "Ok to ship" because it's "not an illegal ship" (whatever tf that means) and it's not "bad to ship" because it's "romanticising abuse". It's fine to ship because it's fictional. You don't need a moral justification to ship anything. That goes for all ships. That's why NOTPs exist. And "proship" doesn't and has never meant "shipping problematic pairings". It's a stance on shipping. It means being pro people being allowed to ship whatever they want. That includes being cool with problematic pairings, but is not limited to those. It means not being a fandom cop. Please stop saying otherwise, I cannot keep living this way--

Soooouuu, to end off on a more positive note and finally put this whole thing to bed I'll link some of my fav newer soushin accounts for anyone who's interested:

Hyo (orewagahai on ao3 check that out too): They are an amazing, amazing writer. If you're into dark, abusive co-dependent, complicated soushin with beautiful characterisation I would highly recommend. They just posted another soushin drabble on twitter and it's great.

jinn: They've been putting out banger after banger ever since getting into the game. Their art is absolutely stunning and they upload frequently, so go check 'em out if you can! It's actual medicine for the soul, I promise. They also draw for dead plate, so if you're into that go ahead too.

angel: Also cool. They're soushin art is hilarious and cute. As much of a sucker as I am for toxic, abusive sludge, they give thses two idiots a silliness that I enjoy. Also if you like trans!Shin content they're pretty good.

欣武 (my dumbass forgot to add them the first time sorry): They are INCREDIBLE. Extremely incredible artist. Their art is so, so freaking good. Not checking them out is absolutely your loss, ngl.

Be nice to them. If I catch anyone attempting to annoy them I'm coming after you and your entire family. Let's be better and not chase new comers off this time :3 Thanks for listening to my incoherent venting. This is mostly for me to feel a bit better, but anyone is free to read. If anyone's got an opinion or observation, feel free to offer it. I need coffee. Coffee sounds good.

#yttd #your turn to die #hazbin hotel #the coffin of andy and leyley #soushin #fandom discussion #fandom discourse #proship discourse #should go without saying but don't harass anyone mentioned here thank you. you won't see the light of heaven if you do #take a shot every time i say “soushin” cuz you'd be on the floor afterwards probably #i feel like i repeat a lot of words here in general. jesus.#anywho i just needed to let all that out. the last few weeks have been weird #sorry if this is unreadable and roundabout i didn't know how to get my thoughts straight #this is how i sound when i'm off coffee for a whole month #i've just been seeing a spike in people acting unhinged over fiction and not in the good way and it kinda gets to me #i just hate seeing people i like having to deal with bs cuz the fandom thinks they're exploring fiction “the wrong way”#and just pointing out and exploring certain things gets deemed “too problematic” and gets attacked despite being important to the plot--#and i just want to enjoy fiction or not mind problematic themes without getting qt and called the n-word repeatedly for responding #people can like whatever they want just don't slap others who like other things over the head and label them bad people #idk maybe that's too much to ask. maybe people'll always be like this but i have my blogs so if want something done right do it yourself ig #sorry for any typos this is mostly just uncut pure madness XD #momento rambles

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firenati0n · 1 year ago

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gonna sneaky delete this later but it's 5:30am and i am feeling completely fucking insane. self-deprecating rambly bullshit under the cut. if anyone has any advice don't hesitate to reach out over dm or message or whatever. just know this is not who I am normally like?? Just a little blip.

I keep feeling super weird and terrible about my general sense of self/worth and writing and it's made worse by twitter/tumblr/ao3 metrics bullshit. And I try so hard not to think about these things.

I'm not jealous of successful writers (new or legacy) AT ALL because I want everyone to get love and accolades and kudos! There is room for everyone and fandom is gorgeous bc everyone is included.

I was writing proposal au today and feeling super off and thought "maybe i should go back and read my fic on ao3 to remind myself I'm decent" and then I did that and almost deleted the whole thing thinking about my own mediocrity. I hate feeling this way. I hate that i put so much of my self worth and self image into what others say about or to me.

i instead channel it completely inward into the strongest form of self-loathing. Like why would anyone want to hear what i have to say? Or read anything I write? when there's so much gorgeous prose out there and beautiful smut and hilarious crack and sweet fluff and like. What am i even doing amongst y'all. Why am I here.

I hate myself sometimes for wanting so much validation and craving community/support because i feel like i come off as annoying and desperate sometimes???? I just see what fics get rec'd and read and screamed about and I wonder if anything I write will ever measure up. And then I think "no probably not" and exit my doc to stare at the wall and loathe myself for a bit before refocusing and writing some more. Rinse and repeat. I wish I had just stayed in my lane sometimes.

The only person making this not fun is me! And I don't know why my brain won't let me just...Enjoy things!

Sorry for the heinous wall of word soup. I just kind of needed to scream into the void and hope that someone yells kindly back.

#sorry this is so fucking annoying of me like #i am a whole ass adult woman #i just hate the way i feel sometimes

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manonamora-if · 1 year ago

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i dont know if u feel up for it to answer but like... how do u handle negative comments and ratings and just people being negative about ur stuff? bc i have someone just being rude in comments or like notes and game folders on itch and its making me want to just delete everything and never show anyone anything anymore. or even have an acocunt on itch either.

Hi Anon,

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this, and that it took me so long to answer. I've been thinking about this for a while honestly. I've been writing a bunch of drafts for this one, because my answer seems to change with the day or my mood. Some of my stuff have had some strange interactions lately that's made me question whether I should stay on itch myself. I mean, I don't think I'll ever leave... there are too many fun jams I want to participate and, you know, to force people to play my weird stuff. But I've been more anxious about new stuff or updates I share recently.

I don't blame you for wanting an out. Some users will poison one's experience of a platform, that even opening the site would give them anxiety. It doesn't take much to have events or projects soured. Often, just a few rude words is enough to make accounts disappear without a word. And many platform don't have good safety nets (blocking, moderation, reports) to temper or avoid these situations. Many will have half-ass solutions that, at the end of the day, still allows interactions from blocked users. It's easy to wonder if all of this is worth it...

Anyway, the very boring and short answer to your question: it depends.

The probably as boring and long one is a bit of a ramble:

It depends on the day, or the mood I have. It's easier to deal with comments when I'm confident and things are going find; but I'd feel more hurt or have a harder time dealing with them when I'm a bit more morose (I think most people feel this way). I'll disregard any (even barely) negative points some days, only to take it into consideration a few days later. <- this especially during jam/comps time, just need time to digest criticism of any kind.

It also depends on the content of the comment, their tone, and intent of the commenter. Not all negative comments are on the same level. I've had negative comments in the past where the commenter was genuine, and really gave my stuff a shot, bringing interesting points or important concerns. And though it hurt a bit, because being told you made a mistake sucks, those helped me grow. But those are the good kinds of comments...

On the other hand, I try to disregard the trolls, and the abusive comments (towards my work or me), the ones where the engagement was clearly not done in good faith... you know, the ones who will literally tell me I've made the world worse by uploading my games on itch. Doesn't mean that it doesn't affect me at all*. Some of them really hurt or made me angry and frustrated, some have lingered for hours or days in my mind, a few made me close to delete stuff as well. Words are not just empty things without meaning... *I've had to block a few people both here and other places recently because of it, they had become so insistent on wanting to engage with me while bashing most of my work, my values or the few aspects of my identity that I've shared online.

It would be easy to say I just don't give them the time of day or any of my energy, or that I pretend they don't exist, because, if I do, then the trolls win. But that would be lying. Obviously.

Screaming to the void/a pillow or ranting to friends have helped get rid of my anger and frustration. I've laughed with others about some comments I got (usually the bad faith ones, some of them are funny in how sad/bad they were). I think what worked best for me was just turn off the computer and go outside for a bit. Or turned off the internet and play silly games on my phone. Or picked up a book. Or watch a movie. Essentially, any activity that would distract me from it and force me to take a break. And when none of this worked, because some trolls are just that insistent, blocking/deleting stuff*. *unfortunately, it's not always possible, see second paragraph again.

It does suck that you're kinda forced to grow a thicker skin to enjoy or even exist in those spaces, and I wish those would be friendlier... but I don't think social platforms/the internet is going in that direction anytime soon.

Maybe not super helpful to your decision, but borogove.io hosts IF games (without ratings or comments, though people can download the files), so does the IFDB through the IFArchive (but there are ratings/reviews there, also can be downloadable). I've seen other peeps host their stuff on neocities (no ratings/comments). None of those platforms are like itch, in the positives or the negative. Or just be old school, and email stuff.

#ask box #gosh I wish I had more concrete stuff to help #or a more positive mindset on things #but yea #I hope things get better for you anon #and that you find what's best for you!#lots of rambles #sorry

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dnalt-d2 · 11 months ago

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(probably gonna delete this later idk)

So this isn't Q S M P related but I need to scream into some uncaring void about this so

But I just spent MUCH longer on a project than I really should have (because life is a bitch and chooses the worst times to decide to kick you in the nonexistent dick) and WAY too much of said project was some very tedious nonsense

Like not difficult, but irritating and time-consuming. Basically arranging things in a way to look more coherent in a project file

And of course, I finish it, I get it all done, but decide to add one last part, and subsequently place it where it needs to go

Only to accidentally click on the wrong button

And find out

That there's been a shortcut to this thing I've been doing

This entire goddamn time

LITERALLY mere moments after finishing the project

If anyone needs me,

Don't

#not QSMP #Just cause #I had joked with my cat a few hours before because I was tired and my back was hurting #“Just kill me Nolan you can do it I believe in you aim for the jugular”#And when this happened I actually looked at him and said #“Why didn't you kill me when I asked you son of a bitch”#“This could have all been avoided”#But cats simply aren't beholden to your silly little jokes #Nor are they beholden to mine #I have worked for 7 hours straight #Fueled on nothing but Dr Pepper #roasted potatoes #ritalin #and apathy #I'm lucky I even remembered to eat #And I still have to finish up one last thing on it tomorrow #After a doctor's appointment #And an apartment viewing #If my cat doesn't kill me in my sleep then goddammit what was even the point in getting a cat #I'm gonna go fist-fight a raccoon or something now #I just can't think of anything else to do #delete later #maybe #Idk man it's 5 in the morning for me

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schismusic · 1 year ago

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Redecorating

I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life but this, this whole thing (imagine I'm gesturing around indistinctly with a ghastly look on my face), totally takes the cake. Is it funny if I do the tapping-the-mic-to-check-if-it-works gag in a written post?

It started when I was about to turn fifteen and trying to bed a girl - she honestly dodged a bullet when she said no, I cannot lie to you all. Anyway I guess I absolutely had to find an outlet for being an annoying teenager and being an asshole irl simply didn't cut it sometimes, you know how it is, most of us are here for that exact same reason.

A number of things have happened since I last posted on this hellsite. The short version is as follows:

I had an identity crisis, or two, or five;

I got a driver's license, somehow;

a worldwide pandemic hit, but I guess this is another one of those things that make us equal on this postapocalyptic landscape of a microblogging platform;

just as inexplicably as my driver's license, I also got a beautiful and lovely girlfriend of almost three years now;

who knows, I might even get a degree before 2024 is over.

This is all fine and dandy, of course, but sometimes a dude just needs to scream into the void, wherein "the void" in this case is about two hundred (!!!!) strangers on the internet, which probably includes you, dear reader. Thanks for sticking with me over these troublesome years of absolutely nothing happening on this blog.

What's new then?

Number one: "what the fuck kinda name is schismusic?"

Hi, my name is schismusic. I thought of this ungodly name when I was, as mentioned, a very pretentious fourteen-year-old, and it absolutely shows. However,

one could argue it's part of the charm in a way;

it grants a bit of relative anonimity compared to my other, more beloved Internet alias (which will inevitably come crashing against my inevitable post concerning my band and the record we made a while ago - more on this later);

somehow, it stuck. You people will eat up just about fucking anything, really!

(Another thing that happened: I learned a tiny bit of HTML, because Letterboxd is yet another hellsite I'm not-quite-proudly a part of. Gotta catch 'em all. I love being annoying with HTML formatting as a matter of fact, it's quite liberating to pretend to know that you can code in front of a billion strangers on the Internet.)

Number two: "so is this asshole gonna post fake hipster music on my timeline yet again?"

Not really, or at least not just that. First order of business is that reblogging is fun, but it overstays its welcome when you do it irresponsibly. It also quite literally goes contrary to this blog's original self-appointed mission and this cannot go unchecked. Pretension is law! Bad taste is every single one of this blog's ten commandments! I hate you all more than I hate myself!

Jokes aside, my point is exactly that I want to be a bit less annoying on the Internet for once. Consequently, I have decided to extend the range of posts on this blog beyond the relatively usual songs and reach into short- and medium-form writing (fiction, nonfiction, maybe even reviews: anything goes), pictures I take (the true OGs might remember I used to post my own drawings from time to time: that's not entirely out of the question for the future, it's just that it's been a while since I've last drawn anything worthwhile) and obviously shameless self-promotion (remember me mentioning my band a couple paragraphs above? Well, here is our record on Bandcamp, Spotify and YouTube; and no, my dear OGs, this is not the same band I used to talk about back in the day! This is a whole new project for you to check out), both in Italian and English, and maybe even some Spanish if I actually take my Spanish to a functional level.

As a corollary of this final point, I will not be deleting my old content, so that the new people on here can get to enjoy a whole cornucopia of cringe circa-2014 content.

Finally, since this is primarily a music blog, the obligatory soundtrack to the writing of this post:

Shoutout to literally every single one of you people for somehow not getting tired of waiting through these years of inactivity, or maybe you just forgot that I existed. If it's the second one, I hope this post was a fun throwback, and that this time you remember to unfollow me for good like you probably wanted to do back when I was active and annoying on here.

It's good to be back.

Love,

schismusic

#schismusic #back to tumblr #writing #long post #music #i'm back #i missed writing random shit in the tags so much #punctuation is neat. look. it's cool!#bandcamp #spotify #youtube #comeback #schism writing #long form content #Bandcamp

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rambleonaud · 6 months ago

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Having Thoughts and given it's 4am this may be a delete later situation but this account is void screaming hours anyway.

I go by she/they because I have this feeling that the relationship I have with gender is very catered. And I know gnc exists, which is definitely part of it, right? And I'm probably somewhere close to butch/futch/soft butch or nerdy butch tomboy whatever. But there was always this nature to anything feminine being very performative, because, as a youngin', and even now, being mistaken for a guy makes me jump out of my own skin a little. When I was a kid riding bikes with my friend, a group of other kids saw me, undeveloped, fat, in my dad's old polo and a grown out bob that had become that awkward androgynous page cut. So like, I GET them mistaking me for a boy. But then they INSISTED, even after my friend and I told them multiple times I was not. I don't think I NEEDED to be misgendered this way to understand trans people, but that experience definitely underlined my sympathetic understanding later on.

I felt decidedly un-pretty in that moment. And I hadn't really worried about it before, mainly prioritizing comfort, but that became one in a long line of insecurities that formed my tween years.

I feel less and less concerned about being considered masculine, but being referred to by masc pronouns still makes me feel icky. Checked in there, did not like, moved on. But I had this overall feeling of "I'm just... Me." Which I know is likely also the vibe of someone secure in their own gender. But I also find myself just. Not quite girl. And I don't mind feeling a bit like I have a "boyish" charm.

No real conclusion, here, just sharing the thoughts that kind of lead to the gender vibes.

#text post #gender feelings #lgbt+

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dinoace2 · 8 months ago

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Enter: the Oracle

An introductory piece for my Carnival!Quetz in @sm-baby's incredible The Amazing Digital Carnival au. Much as I'd love to make this a comic, I find that my words tend to come out better (and faster!) than my drawings. This is purely self-indulgent, acting to quite literally write my oc into a narrative someone else made, but i had fun with it. I promise I'll make a post detailing her room design later!

~2k words

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Caine looked at the door in front of him, studying the portrait. The menu labeled this door simply as "the Oracle". The face was still a silhouette, yet to be seen or discovered, but horns were clearly outlined on the character's head.

Bubble chirped, grinning. "The Oracle: a character who- who-...." he paused, his smile fading slightly. "....i...dont know."

Caine's hand hovered over the doorknob, hesitating for a moment. This was a character that wasn't meant to exist. When he looked into the files, most of its code was deleted, and what little remained was well-hidden underneath everything else. Whatever he was about to see wasnt supposed to get past initial production stages, much less final design, and considering what kind of characters he's already seen, it was probably for good reason.

With a cautious sigh and a nod to Bubble, he turned the doorknob and pulled it open.

Sheer purple curtains covering the doorway wasn't necessarily what he expected.

He pushed them aside to reveal a floor of ebony-colored wooden boards, the walkway covered in tapestry and silk fabrics. The entire room looked soft, littered with pillows and cloth of all kind. Most of it was sheer, shiny, and purple. Shades anywhere from pastel lilac to deep wine lined the room wall to wall, all lit by floating candles with impossibly white flames.

Caine stepped into the room, tentative at first, the boards creaking beneath his feet.

The groan of the floorboards alerted whatever was occupying the room, and with an audible whoosh and a light gust of wind in his eyes, the candles went out all at once.

Looking around proved fruitless, as it seemed every source of light in the room had been smothered. The only thing visible to him was whatever the light from the menu hallway reached.

A gentle yet firm voice echoed in the emptiness. "You aren't meant to be here. Do not take another step into this room. Leave, now." Her voice was calm, confident, and laced with authority.

Caine tilted his head, squinting in the darkness to find the character. "Your door unlocked just a minute ago. Who are you?"

"Nobody. Please...get out," The voice responded, her tone never wavering. "For the sake of your own safety, human, I recommend you heed this warning."

"You- uh. You know that im...human?" He paused, chuckling nervously. "The others didn't exactly take it well when they found out...believe it or not you're already much more pleasant than most of the characters I've met so far."

"Call it intuition. I know as much as I need to know about you, and you know as much as you need to know about me. Now get out."

"Oh, but surely-" the Player was cut off when he took a step. The floor clipped out beneath his foot and he fell forward, screaming as he plummeted into the darkness below. He fell endlessly for what felt like forever, but in reality was probably little more than a few seconds.

A cool hand wrapped around his wrist, pulling him to an abrupt stop. He clamped his teeth shut, his entire body tensing. He took a few shaky breaths, his hand over his heart and eyes slowly opening. It was still dark, but he could feel himself moving.

His rescuer let go of his hand and he fell into something soft, with a lot of slack and give to the material.

With another whoosh, the room lit up again. He was hanging in a pink silk hammock, and while most of the room looked the same, the floor was just...gone, replaced with a seemingly endless void. Upon closer inspection, hammocks and netted flooring were all over the place, some hung from the walls and ceiling and others just suspended midair.

Something flew through the middle of it all and perched on a dark wooden beam near the ceiling. An angel? No...not quite. A serpentine beast with blue-green scales and piercing eyes. Raven black hair framed her face and ivory horns adorned her head. Massive silver-gray wings spanned nearly wall-to-wall, truly a sight to behold. An elegant purple gown glittered in the surrounding candlelight, and a velvet choker with a large black stone took its place around her neck.

She sneered, sharp eyes glaring down at Caine. "I told you not to come closer." She fell from the rafters, and Caine gasped, until she spread her wings, swooped around and settled on a netted floor near him.

He stared for a moment, then nodded. "Right...um. sorry, I didn't know...that...was going to happen...what was that about, anyway?"

The character frowned. "To put it simply, I was scrapped. No need to finish the room if the character's been abandoned. The room itself isn't exactly...tangible because of it. The design and textures exist, obviously, but it's all unfinished. that first step in the walkway was as far as they got. Tried to warn you."

He nodded. "...oh. so...why did they decide not to make you? You certainly seem exciting enough for a game like this....and very well-made, too. I like your design! What's your name?" He smiled, swinging a bit in his little hammock.

She paused, not quite anticipating that much enthusiasm. "...my title is the Oracle, but you already knew that. My name during production was Quetz, apparently for a creature that I supposedly share resemblance to."

Caine's hand shot in the air, like a child answering a teacher in a classroom. "Oh! Quetzalcoatl! The Feathered Serpent from Aztec Mythology! God of-" he paused, recognizing her expression of confusion and slight disinterest. "....sorry." he put his hand down.

Quetz nodded slowly. "...right. my intelligence doesn't extend past this game, so I've no choice but to trust you on that. It's not all that significant anyway." She sighed.

"I was intended to be a bit of a...checkpoint, if you will. A place to collect onesself and reflect on the progress players made so far. I would then read their 'fortunes', some sort of cryptic statement, and it would give a random status effect that would last until the end of the next level they played. From then on they'd be able to come back between levels if they wanted, but each time ran the risk of a bad status effect as well. It was meant to be a sort of roulette to offer a unique challenge or adjustment to the other levels. I think it was intended to keep it replayable and 'new' so they'd maintain interest and relevance for longer."

She shrugged. "They couldn't figure out the coding. It was too complicated of a concept, and even if it did work it would've been too easy for players to abuse and cheat with. So they did away with the idea entirely."

Caine nodded. "So...you were...just a minigame, then?"

"...'just'? 'Mini'...?" she paused. "...I suppose so. Seems...belittling to put it that way, though...as if im...less important..." she frowned. "...but considering I never made it past planning, it makes sense..."

"...oh. sorry. I didn't mean-"

"Its fine." She sighed. "You asked for answers, and I gave you what I had. But perhaps you'd indulge me, and allow me to ask a few questions." She waited for a confirming nod, then moved closer to him. "Why are you here, Mister Eden?"

Caine froze, almost stopping mid-swing. "...h-how did you-?"

"I was given the title of 'Oracle', what do you think that means?" She frowned. "I was programmed to know everything about this place, do you truly think I wouldn't notice when an unregistered entity entered the code?"

The Player nodded. "...I suppose that makes sense. Well...I..." he paused. "....dont remember, honestly. I know I came here for something, and I made Bubble to assist me, but once I entered the system I forgot it all."

"No, I understand that. I meant...why are you here? Or rather, how are you here? I never made it to beta testing. Playtesters never got the chance to interact with me. Sure, ive still been here, lingering in the background, but...my door has never unlocked. I've never been accessible to Players. You had to have done something."

Caine shrugged. "I dont know what to tell you. I'd just barely left the Host level, and two doors unlocked. This one happened to be closer to me, not to mention the extra cool and mysterious detail of your face being blocked out."

She nodded. "So...its likely more of an internal issue than your interference, then. Interesting."

She thought for a moment. "...you came here for something. Your intention is to retrieve a missing component, I assume." Caine nodded, following her logic, so she continued. "While I'm incapable of determining what it is you're seeking, nor whether you'll find it...i can at least try to assist."

Caine sat upright, suddenly quite eager to hear what she would say next.

"In everything that I've seen, with near unlimited access to all of the files...I can say with near certainty that you are not the only player avatar in the game right now."

Silence and shock overtook the coder. Was she saying what he thought she was? And if that was true, then...could that be what he's looking for?

"Theres another human here???"

Quetz opened her mouth, but everything stopped suddenly. All the candles went out, plunging them into darkness once more. A light appeared just below her eye level, a crystal ball of sorts that cast shadows over her face with a soft glow. She stared at it with wide eyes, and...was that fear that crept into her expression?

"Sh[$%?]!" She paused for a moment, slightly puzzled by the sprite that covered her mouth and dialogue, but shook her head, turning to Caine. "Eden! Close the hammock. Lay still. And for the love of whatever cruel god designed this place, do. Not. Move. Trust me."

Caine nodded, quickly sinking into the soft fabric.

Quetz took a deep breath, then waved her palm over the crystal ball in front of her, her claws barely grazing the glossy surface. Caine couldn't see what happened, but he could hear it well enough.

A voice echoed around them, bouncing off the walls of the endless void beneath.

"Good evening, my dear Moth."

"Hello, my King...you haven't reached out to me in quite some time...is everything alright?" There was no mistaking the slight tremor in the Oracle's voice.

"Oh, of course! All is well. Ragatha has just informed me that she had an interaction with our newest Player, and I was hoping you could tell me how he's doing?"

Quetz paused. "...from my observations, things are going quite well for him. He's found companionship with the little Jester and has gotten along well with every entity he has interacted with so far. Its likely he's currently making preparations to visit the Storyteller next."

"And where is he now, Quetzal?"

"He- well, I haven't checked in a little while. I'll be sure to let you know once I get a chance to look." She rambled the answer. "Anyway I'm sure you've got a lot to get back to! I'll talk to you again later-"

"Is something bothering you, Moth?"

The Serpent froze. "Eh- no! Not at all! I just. Uh. Oh dear, it...appears Zooble's gloinks have escaped again! I need to catch them before they clip into the Void again. Talk to you later!" She hurriedly crushed the crystal between her palms, scattering glowing particles across the room that relit the candles as they passed.

Caine yelped as the same cold hand from before grabbed him by the collar and lifted him up. Quetz set him down on that first wooden step and pushed the door wide open. "You need to leave."

He sputtered, turning around and grabbing her hands. "Wait! Who were you talking to? What about that other human? What else don't I know? I have more questions, please!"

She frowned. "The Storyteller is a fairly simple task. Follow her instructions to the letter and do your best not to make her upset. You have an advantage because she likes Pomni. Now get out. Please." Her tone was much more pleading on the last word, and she gave his shoulder a firm shove to return him to the hallway. She snapped her fingers, and the door slammed shut.

Caine stood up, dusting himself off. "Hm. That was....interesting. I suppose that...this 'Storyteller' is next. You ready, Bubble?"

~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading! :]

Note: okay there's more to this than the scene suggests. She's very afraid of Kinger, and there are reasons that I couldn't elaborate on in this bit. I really really do love this character and I cannot wait to learn more about the other characters so I can better portray her relationships with them!

#tadcarnival #carnival!quetz #carnival!caine #carnival!bubble #the amazing digital carnival #caine tadc #sm baby #quetz #carnival!kinger

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