#saying that women are prioritised. please. explain that to me.

[some-other-number]

the reason people prioritize women and kids isn't because of feminism, idiot, its because of cultural reasons, some of them sexist, some of them not, and because obviously children are more at risk. not to mention most of the actual violence by the israel state is perpetuated BY men and so the population is wary because women and girls experience wartime rape more often than palestinian men. none of this is related to feminism . white knights need to shut the hell up. you do not get to dehumanize us and pretend arab women are favored over our brothers and better off during our own annihilation, just to make a vague antifeminist debate out of it. we are ALL begging the west to see us as human beings and propaganda doesn't allow you to. and extremely little of that propaganda has anything to do with "radical feminism" or whatever you are in a culture war against.

you seem genuinely very upset and I'm sorry about that but why are you in my askbox. I'm not the person you should be taking this issue up with, and if you're going to every single person in the notes of that post even in the circumstances I think you have a problem and need to take a step back. there are other things you can do aside from this, because you're not being helpful. I don't think anyone with a scrap of decency is denying the horrors perpetuated against palestinian women and children; there is just, due to the assumption under gender essentialism that men must be the protectors of women and children; that women need protecting, probably from other men, placing the blame of men's violence onto women, as well as dismisses the need to teach everyone, but especially men, to respect their fellow human beings, and this has metamorphosed into assuming any man is a combatant; a specific kind of dehumanisation due to gender. this assumption that all men (especially between ages eighteen and sixty-five) are combatants is used as an excuse to further dehumanise palestinian men and excuse the massacre of them because 'what if they were secretly combatants' when instead they were innocent civilians. this is about viewing every single palestinian facing the horrific ongoing genocide as a human being, including the ones that are more likely to be excused as 'oh but they may have secretly been terrorists'. your other points are completely irrelevant to that specific discussion; nobody is going to say that's not happening to prove a culture war point. nobody decent at least. and assuming that is what's happening is incredibly bad faith and shows a callous nature towards your fellow human beings, especially when it is calling out the dehumanisation of men due to their gender and cultural gender expectations by specifically western 'feminists' who hide behind the label and degrade the work of actual feminists by colluding with fascists.

[brainbuffering]

I see many able-bodied people and non-photosensitive people confused as to why the Epilepsy Community on Tumblr refer to the Spider-verse Franchise as being inherently ableist. I can understand that if you are not familiar with the term, you may find this disconcerting. The film is not actively saying that disabled people are bad, nor do I think that they are making an active decision to harm disabled people. I do not think that they are making a film with the deliberate purpose of killing disabled people! 

However, the active choices they make (e.g. not adhering to the rule that states that a flash rate of 3 - 30 per second is dangerous, and to avoid high contrasting patterns) are those which mean that Photosensitive People are barred from seeing the movie. This is a form of social discrimination. No, please, hear me out! 

Scope, a leading charity for disabled people defines ableism as: 

"A word for unfairly favouring non-disabled people. Ableism means prioritising the needs of non-disabled people. In an ableist society, it's assumed that the “normal” way to live is as a non-disabled person. It is ableist to believe that non-disabled people are more valuable to society than disabled people."

This is what the creators do. They unfairly assume that disabled people will have no interest in watching their film. They unfairly assume that the public will all pass on through word of mouth that the film is dangerous to watch for photosensitive people. It unfairly assumes that, because the majority of its audience will be safe watching it, those who are not safe do not matter as viewers or as people. It unfairly assumes that there Afro-latine People, Black People, Latine People, Jewish People, Women – the minorities the film chooses to represent – are all able-bodied and that if there do happen to be any people within those demographics that are also photosensitive, then they have no interest to see other parts of themselves represented on the screen in the same way. 

Disabled people already feel incredibly isolated by society. People, especially children, with epilepsy are often barred from social events. They cannot attend nightclubs, concerts, sleepovers, school trips, long haul holidays and so on. On bright sunny days, my incredibly Photosensitive Mother cannot even drive the car because the flashes of sunlight between the leaves of trees will give her a migraine that will take days to recover from. 

Therefore, when a company knows full well that their film is going to be talked about amongst the general public, that it is going to be a moment of cultural importance, to make a series of creative choices that knowingly bar disabled people from having this experience is a form of ableism. 

Ableism is not always obvious. In fact, it usually is not. Why? Because ableism is focused on leaving disabled people at home. It is focused on pushing us to the side, and making sure we are never heard from again. And in this case, it does take this to the extreme. Exposure to this film can indeed cause a Photosensitive person to die. This is not an exaggeration. 

3000 people a year die in the USA from epileptic seizures. 

And as I have said before, this is not a case of us asking to be allowed to sit at the table. We are not asking for them to introduce an epileptic spider person! We are simply asking to not be shot at if we try to enter the room, and asking that you please listen to us when we explain that pointing a loaded gun at a disabled person who tries to interact with you, is, in actual fact, quite an ableist thing to do.

[llyfrenfys]

On Cadi as the Welsh equivalent of Queer

(image: screenshot of the entry for Cadi in Geiriadur Prifysgol Cymru)

Some of you may already know this, but for those who don't, Cadi is a Welsh word which is analogous to the word Queer in English. I say analogous, since their meanings aren't quite a 1:1 match. But for shorthand, Welsh equivalent of Queer sums 90% of it up.

It has been suggested tentatively by some to use Cadi as the Welsh translation of Queer. I'm going to explore arguments for and against, but ultimately the choice to use/not use Cadi as a 1:1 with Queer is entirely up to you. Warning that this post is quite long, but I do hope you'll stick with it- please let me know what you think in the notes!

Without further ado, let's get into it:

Definition of Cadi:

Cadi is a term which has existed in Welsh since the 17th Century (roughly) and generally refers to effeminacy in men (real or perceived). Over time, the meaning of the term has expanded to refer to other (Queer) things as well. But the term itself largely has been applied to Queer men and queer masculinities through time.

The term itself derives from the girl's name Catrin and you will come across women who call themselves Cadi as a shortening of their name (like Liz from Elizabeth and so on). In this way, there is a strong point of comparison to be had with the English queer pejorative Nancy, which also derives from a girl's name.

Can Cadi be considered the Welsh equivalent of Queer?

So now to the real meat of the post. Can Cadi be considered the Welsh equivalent of Queer? The answer to that is, unsurprisingly, complicated.

As described above, Cadi is a term which has had strong associations with male effeminacy (real or perceived) and has close parallels to the English term Nancy, which is also nearly exclusively applied to Queer men and masculinities. What this presents is a quandary and I'll explain what I mean by that. But first, we need to outline the history of LGBTQIA+ terminology in general (in the West).

LGBTQIA+ Terminology and the inclination towards cis gay language:

This is a huge huge topic which I cannot possibly do justice to here alone, so I'd highly recommend reading up on these topics when you have time, but for the sake of brevity, here is a tldr on the history of LGBTQIA+ terminology (slightly UK-centric but similar events also happened in the US and Canada, as well as other parts of Europe).

Campaign for Homosexual Equality (CHE) is a British Lesbian and Gay rights organisation founded in the 1960s, during a time of great social and political change. The organisation's membership grew and grew well into the 70s before declining in the 80s. It was during this time that some lesbian members of the organisation left citing erasure of lesbian issues and misogyny in the movement. CHE and similar gay and lesbian rights movements in this period had been inclined to centre gay men's issues in their activism, which understandably led to many lesbians feeling alienated. Some lesbians left in the late 70s and early 80s and began to form their own advocacy groups. This indirectly fed into a wider feminist upheaval at the time and led to the rise of lesbian feminism, which aimed to centre lesbian issues within feminism, but unfortunately (for complex historical reasons) did then contribute to the proliferation of rad\ical femi\nism within the Queer community, which then unfortunately contributed to the rise of tra\ns exclu\sionary rad\ical fem\inism. Regardless of the unfortunate rise of transphobia within the lesbian feminist movement, the original catalyst for the formation of these groups was a sense of alienation from the rest of the Queer community because gay men's issues had been prioritised over lesbian issues, when both could have been tackled together, with each other. This alienation was echoed in the names of organisations and events- many early homosexual rights groups only had homosexual or gay in their group names. It took many years before advocacy groups started adding 'and lesbian' to their names and events.

(For further reading, I would suggest watching this video by Verilybitchie about the history of lesbian erasure in homosexual advocacy and how that led to (some) lesbian groups excluding bi and trans people in the same way they were excluded by gay men)

What does that history mean for Cadi?:

Because of a history of lesbian (and by extension, women's) exclusion from homosexual advocacy groups, is Cadi the best term to use as a catch-all given its strong associations with men's expressions of Queerness? (namely, that as a pejorative it is largely aimed at femininity in men and subsequent assumed homosexuality). It is important to consider if using Cadi as an equivalent of Queer would centre a (typically cis) gay experience/expression of Queerness and if that would alienate other members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

However, a counterpoint to this would be that there are variations of the term Cadi which do include other experiences of Queerness:

Cadi ffan (similar to just 'Cadi')- typically used to describe femininity in men and boys [N. Wales]

Cadi genod/ Cadi merched (similar to above) - effeminate man/boy [N. Wales]

Cadi bechgyn - Romping girl, tomboy [N. Wales]

Cati fachgen - (similar to above)- Romping girl, tomboy [S. Wales]

Cadi Haf - Male maypole dancer dressed as a girl

They are, however, somewhat limited for use in reclamation and have to be qualified by another noun to indicate diversion from the original term's meaning.

But when talking about the term Cadi, we often speak in the abstract- without the context in which the term is used. So here are a few extracts from texts which use the term Cadi (or variants). Since this is a mostly spoken slang term, it doesn't turn up in print often, but there are a few examples to draw on.

Examples of Cadi in texts:

Page 164- Cwm Eithin by Hugh Evans (1931):

"DAWNSIO HAF Ceir darnodiad o'r ddefod hynafol dawnsio haf yn Y Gwyl- fedydd, 1823, tudal. 306, gan un a'i geilw ei hun “ Callestrwr,” fel yr arferid hi yn Callestr (Fflint, mae'n debyg). Ym mis Ebrill arferai o ddwsin i ugain o bobl ieuainc ymuno i baratoi ar gyfer y ddawns. Gwisgai'r dawnswyr eu crysau yn uchaf wedi eu haddurno ag ysnodennau a blodau. Cariai'r arweinydd fforch bren ar lun y llythyren Y. Gwnïid lliain o'r naill fraich i'r llall, ac addurnid y fforch ag amryw lestri arian, tebotiau, llwyau, cigweiniau, efc. Byddai gyda hwy grythor yn ei ddillad ei hun, “cadi” mewn gwisg merch, ac ynfytyn mewn gwisg ryfedd â phlu yn ei ben"

[emphasis mine]

This extract is the author's account of Dawnsio Haf- a Summer dance held on May Day and his investigations into it. At his time of writing (1931) the practice has died out, but later in this chapter he interviews an old woman from the Conwy Valley who participated in the dances as a child. Evans draws upon a source from 1823 for his description of Dawnsio Haf. In it, he mentions that 20 young dancers meet up for the dance wearing shirts decorated with ribbons and flowers. A leader carries a fork in the shape of the letter "Y"- between each point on the "Y" a cloth was strung with silverware dangling from it to make noise. With the 20 dancers would be a crwth-player (crythor), a Cadi in women's clothes and a fool with a feather on his cap and odd clothes.

This usage is quite archaic and refers to a folk dance- much like mumming or morris-dancing. There is however, a picture in the People's Collection Wales titled 'Cadi'r Big' taken by the prolific photographer John Tomas c. 1875, near Y Ro-wen:

Which is very interesting as Cadi'r Big has dried flowers and ribbons attached to their clothes, much like in the description in Cwm Eithin. This is very likely a picture of a "Cadi" from a Dawnsio Haf.

Page 4- Y Ddraig Binc Issue 4 (1994):

Y Ddraig Binc was a Welsh-language Queer magazine published by CYLCH, a gay and lesbian rights organisation based in Aberystwyth. The term Cadi-ffan is included in an article about the commercialisation of Queer identity in the magazine's fourth edition.

"...Nawr te, medd wrtho’i hun, be’ gymera’ i’r mis hwn, copi o GQ ynte Arena neu ydw i, efallai, yn teimlo’n ddigon ifanc a trendi am Sky? Ond aros funud, beth yw hyn? Dau gylchgrawn steil newydd a gwynt digamsyniol cadi-ffan arnyn nhw?

Ydy, mae’r hyn a oedd y tu hwnt i ddychymyg wedi digwydd. Mae grymoedd y farchnad rydd a chystadleuaeth wedi cyrraedd y byd cyhoeddi hoyw - rhaid bod Lêdi T wrth ei bodd. Nawr fe gaiff llanc hoyw ddewis o ddeunydd darllen sgleiniog, llawn erthyglau a hysbysebion yn arbennig ar ei gyfer ef a’i rywioldeb. Hwrê! Fedr hynny ddim bod yn beth drwg. Neu a fedr o?..."

[emphasis mine]

This humorous article (dealing with an important topic, mind) pokes fun at the arrival of Queer commercialisation. The article opens by explaining that there's a ruckus in the gay world (and not two old queens getting into fisticuffs)- but that this ruckus is taking place at WHSmith (UK stationery shop and newsagents)- apparent winner of this year's most vulgar uniform award. The author goes on to describe a hypothetical situation in which a gay man walks into a WHSmith to buy a magazine. He wonders whether to get a copy of GQ or Arena (men's style magazines- remember this was published in Section 28 Era so explicitly gay magazines were not common) or is he trendy enough to read Sky? (film and tv magazine). But wait- what's this? Two new style magazines with a whiff of Cadi-ffan about them? The author explains that yes, the unimaginable has happened. The forces of the free market and competition have reached the world of gay publishing.

Now a gay youth has the choice of glossy reading material, full of articles and advertisements especially for him and his sexuality. Hooray! That can't be a bad thing. Or can it? Writes the author. The article is very witty and I recommend a read (find a pdf copy here). But the usage of Cadi-ffan here is very much in a reclaimed sense. Though it must be noted that the story is told through a stereotypical cis gay lens.

Conclusions:

As I said at the start of this post, you are free to claim or not claim Cadi as you wish. However, as awareness of Welsh LGBTQIA+ terminology increases, I wanted to raise important questions and start a conversation about the words we have, what we want them to be and how they have been used against us. I hope in any case that this post has been interesting to you. If it has, please reblog this or add any comments/thoughts in the notes, tags or in my asks.

Beth yw eich barn chi? I'd love to hear other's thoughts on this and start a conversation about it! Diolch am ddarllen

[carlyraejcpsen]

alright, i’ve tried to keep quiet because i truly believe in karma and wanted this rp to close through the admin’s own actions and not give them any opportunities to blame it on me instead. it also felt like beating a dead horse, because i was sure they’d close the rp after losing a huge proportion of their active members and the majority of their diversity. however, after seeing multiple people sharing their experiences today, they are still posting promo posts and starting their event. so yeah, here’s my experience with @thevillagerp​​

NOTE: i no longer have screenshots from my conversations with the admins, as i blocked them when i left the rp for the sake of my own mental health, but i did save the text in my drafts, so the messages below are copy pasted. i have not edited them in any way. They also deleted my original anonymous messages off of their blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: racism, very vague allusions to homophobia and transphobia

so i was a member of this roleplay for around two months. during my time there, it was startlingly obvious that white fcs were preferred and prioritised, both from the fact that they got more plots and interactions in general and from the fact that admins never promoted diversity on the main. even now, they repeatedly say they “would still love to receive some more male and non-binary apps” while ignoring that they currently have a ratio of 8 fcs of colour to 24 white fcs. their diversity rules at the time were that 1/3 of a mun’s characters had to be played by an fcoc. so people could easily just play one or two white characters.

a while ago, i sent an anonymous message to the main asking if they had considered perhaps changing this rule to be 2/3 characters instead of 1/3, since there were so few muses of colour in the roleplay (as i said before, they’ve since deleted this from their blog so i cannot provide a screenshot). they responded that they had been thinking of upping the character limit to four instead of three, with a rule that 2/4 must be played by an fcoc. i gave them the benefit of the doubt and the time to enact this change, but nothing happened.

so a few weeks later, i sent them this message on anonymous:

I was wondering if you had thought any more about the diversity rules here? I know you said before that you were considering increasing the character limit, but I noticed that hasn’t happened and I wanted to know if that was a change we’re going to see or if you would consider changing the rules in another way? I’m really disheartened by the lack of diversity in the roleplay

at the time there were 18 characters of colour out of a total of over 60. they responded (again, i’m sorry i don’t have the actual wording since they’ve deleted the messages) that they had thought about it and decided against upping the character limit, but instead would be having a weekly “poc acceptance day,” where they would only be accepting apps with fcs of colour. they also said they were doing this “now that the waitlist was mostly cleared,” which meant that the rp was mostly at capacity anyway, so they needed to look more at how to encourage their existing members to promote diversity, since there weren’t spaces open for new people to bring them in.

i responded with another anon expressing my disappointment and pointing out that they had done more to prevent having too many celebrity characters than too few muses of colour, as at the time they had a ban on celebrity muses. i wouldn’t usually suggest a ban on certain fcs, but as it was something they had done for celebrity characters, then i supposed it was a reasonable option.

they didn’t even respond to this message and instead posted on the main asking me to come off anon to discuss it. so i did, and i sent them the following dm:

i didn’t want to come off anon because i honestly feel really ostracised in this group and didn’t want to make it worse, but i don’t want to drop this issue and you aren’t comfortable addressing it publicly so here we are i guess. like i said in my previous message, i really don’t see how a “poc acceptance day” is going to make anywhere near enough of a difference. people will just wait for the opportunity to play their white characters. there are only 18 characters of colour in a roleplay with over 60 characters. that’s less than a third, which is obviously concerning. what’s even more concerning for me is that these characters are more often than not overlooked. i am often ghosted when plotting, or people don’t even reach out at all when i like plotting calls or intro posts. and then i have to watch characters like leo almost exclusively interact with white women (i’m sure that’s not the only example, but it is the first that comes to mind as he is one of the more active characters).

so this issue goes so much deeper than there just not being adequate representation in the rp. i really tried to help, i suggested making it a rule that 2/3 characters need to be poc in my original ask and you mentioned upping the character limit in response. i was worried that my concerns were being brushed aside, but i waited a while to give you the benefit of the doubt and the space to discuss the issue. so you can understand why it was really upsetting today to learn that the one thing you suggested was dropped and instead replaced with something that is barely scratching the surface of the problem. and i don’t know if it was your intention, but by saying that you were waiting for the waitlist to clear, it comes across as not wanting to receive any backlash from people who would want to join with only white characters. and even if people did want to join with faceclaims of colour, they can’t because the waitlist is cleared. like i suggested, you could change the rules so that 2 out of 3 characters must be people of colour. or, as was your proposed idea, up the character limit to four. you could also put a temporary ban on white faceclaims until the ratio evens out. as i mentioned, it’s really distressing that this was something you were willing to do for celebrity characters, but not to aid diversity.

i also just want to make it clear that these have been the only anons i’ve sent, i know you’ve been getting other ones, but those weren’t from me!!

( for context, they were receiving anons from someone else claiming that they felt left out in the rp ).

i had hoped that coming off anon would show them that this was a very real issue which was affecting their members, as well as giving them a space to discuss it privately instead of on the main. they responded with:

Hi Em, thank you for coming forward. We really, really appreciate it and we understand it’s not an easy thing to do. We also appreciate you flying the flag for diversity so strongly. We can always strive to be better, we are on the same page with you here.

Let us just explain our decision making. Firstly, just to address the waitlist, that was certainly not at all our intention when we brought it up. It was a logistical decision with 5+ applicants having already waited a week for acceptance and aware of their position on a waitlist.

When we decided against upping the character limit (and therefore the 2/4 POC character rule), we thought a POC acceptance day could be a good alternative course of action. In our eyes, this was something that would probably bring more POC characters to the group than the 2/4 rule because we knew there weren’t going to be many muns taking up an additional fourth character. This was a rule we’ve seen other groups enjoy success from so we wanted to try it out here. Plus, we think a day that explicitly highlights diversity every week would bring the message to the forefront of everyone’s minds. As we said, we’re going to monitor this over the next couple of weeks to see if it brings any improvement because we’d really like to have it as an ongoing rule.

The non-POC ban is actually a measure we’ve spoken about too and we are considering putting one in place should this fail. Thank you for raising your concerns, know that we’ve taken them very seriously and we hope that you’ll trust our judgement in trying this rule out first to see where it leads.

first of all, i don’t think i even have to mention the wording of “flying the flag for diversity.” but the real crux of the issue here is that they supposedly wanted me to come off anon to discuss the issue, but instead just explained their idea further and didn’t take anything i said on board. they didn’t even say a single word about how i told them i felt ostracised and regularly got ignored. i knew from speaking to other muns in the rp who played muses of colour (and just from looking at the dash) that they felt the same way too, but of course was only speaking from my own experience.

i thought long and hard about how to respond to this, as i was so disheartened by their unwillingness to listen to their members and the fact that they didn’t care that i felt left out. it felt like they had asked me to come off anon just so they knew who was messaging them and therefore put a target on my back, so honestly the thought of being on the dash or talking to the admins made me incredibly anxious. before i had a chance, however, they responded again with:

Hi hun, we’ve continued discussing this issue over the last couple of days and we wanted to let you know that we’ve decided to put in place a non-POC ban instead. Thank you again for holding a mirror up to the group. We do hope that this will recorrect the balance.

so i waited to see how things would play out. they posted about this new ban here and pinned the post to the top of the main:

[ IMAGE ID: a screenshot from thevillagehq of an admin update, which reads: in the interest of keeping the village a diverse space, we are currently only accepting applications for POCs. please note that any apps or reserves submitted to us for faceclaims that are not POCs will be deleted. we will lift this rule once we see fit.

thank you for your understanding and your efforts in making this group a brighter, more inclusive and diverse place for all. /END ID ]

this rule remained in place for around two weeks, during which time they made almost no effort to promote it. the above post was pinned to the main page, but that was the only mention of the ban anywhere on their page, they didn’t update the rules page or even put a note on the application page about it. during this two week period, the admins posted 10 promo posts, none of which suggested fcs or even mentioned the ban or diversity at all. the ban was then lifted suddenly when the pinned post was removed and the admins just went back to accepting apps with white fcs. the ratio had only evened out in those two weeks (from 18 out of 65 to 24/50) because of people going inactive or leaving, and there was nothing put into place to continue to promote diversity after the lift of the ban. in the three days after the ban was lifted, the admins posted over 10 promo posts, the same amount they had posted during the entirety of the ban. it was clear that they had no intention of actually making changes in their rp and had only done so because i refused to drop the issue.

again, i thought a lot about what i wanted to message them. i knew at this point that they didn’t want to make any real changes, but i still felt like i had to make it clear to them how disappointing their actions were. once again, i was messaged before i even had a chance, this time for bubbling.

as you can see in the above correspondence, i had told the admins point blank that i felt left out and ignored in the rp because of the characters i played (aubrey plaza, mj rodriguez and keiynan lonsdale fcs. all of my characters were queer and used either she/they or they/them pronouns). as a general rule, the only people who wanted to write with me and have interesting plots with me were people who played other muses of colour. the rp had a rule that you must reply to 3+ muns on every character, which i had been doing. i had only been back from my hiatus for a few days at this point and had responded to 6 different open starters the day prior. their message to me read:

Hi hun. There’s something we wanted to address to you directly. It’s been expressed to us by multiple members during these last few weeks that they have felt excluded by your character within the group, especially when it comes to the friend bubble that has formed between Mars, Bowie, Luvena, Asher and others. 

While we encourage the development of friendships and trust that this isn’t intentional, we have a zero tolerance for bubble roleplaying at The Village. We are aware that our three mun activity rules have been met by all parties involved, however, bubbling is usually a little more nuanced than that and it seems it has unfortunately begun to create a bit of a divide within the group. 

We have already issued individual warnings to a few people within the bubble, however with multiple members still expressing their concerns to us, we decided it would be better to address the group as a whole. We hope that by pointing this out to you, you will try and branch out to your fellow members a little more from now on - and try and be a little more inclusive when it comes to everyone else in the group. 

We take such matters very seriously as admins, and while we hope it won’t have to come to this, there will be consequential steps taken should we not see any changes in your interactions in the weeks to come.

as you can imagine, i was incredibly upset to receive this message after already telling them i didn’t get plots from many of their members and they had done nothing. even people who i had previously messaged continued to only write with the same few white characters. i don’t deny that we definitely had a friendship group between our characters, but there were multiple people in that roleplay, including the admins, who only cared about ship plots or plots with the same few muns. me and other people who received the same message had all previously told the admins that people aren’t plotting with us and gotten ignored, so receiving this message made it clear that they neither cared about us nor wanted us in their rp. and so i responded as below:

yeah i literally told you i felt left out because there are multiple people only writing with white characters and you never addressed it, so this message is honestly insulting. i have reached out to almost every new member, responded to multiple open starters and have tried to plot with as many people as possible. like i told you, i am often left on read or people don’t even message me at all. if people do message me, i am usually expected to put in all of the effort and if people aren’t interested in actually developing plots with me then i am obviously not going to force my characters on them. all of my characters are queer, non binary people of colour and the harsh truth of this roleplay is that people don’t care about them. i even wrote out a whole list of 20 detailed suggested connections in an attempt to get more plots and nothing came from that either. i’ve even gotten anonymous hate saying that offering to explain my characters’ pronouns was “patronising,” which i didn’t feel like i could approach you about because, when i told you about how i’m feeling excluded, you didn’t care.

so if i only have actual plots with the people who actually care about my characters, i make no apologies. i also don’t even have threads with half of the characters you named, asher being the only one, and have literally only just come off hiatus. so please explain how i am bubbling, because this really just feels targeted at this point.

you’ve made it endlessly clear that this rp isn’t a safe space for people who want to play diverse characters. the main was practically silent while you had a ban on white faceclaims, which you never actively promoted, and then you dropped that suddenly without putting anything else in place. you also deleted my initial anonymous messages asking about diversity as if you were trying to hide that there was ever an issue. you turned anonymous messages off, so that no one can safely criticise you. because i did that off anon and ever since it has felt like there is a massive target on my back. my characters have been “accidentally” on the activity checks multiple times despite me being on hiatus (people get a notification that they were tagged even if you remove their name from the list btw). plus when i asked for an extension on my hiatus, you said that you would allow it “just this once” which now makes me feel like i can’t come to you if i’m busy. right now, for example, i am in the middle of moving house, but i’m also stressed about trying to stay active because you have made yourselves completely unapproachable.

the ratio only evened out slightly because members left. then suddenly after the ban you’re posting multiple promo posts a day??? you couldn’t get more obvious. i came to you about diversity in good faith, hoping that it was something you were unaware of, but you have made it abundantly clear that you actively do not want to promote diversity in your roleplay, we are just here to be witnesses to your ship. there are multiple members who are actually bubbling who have been brought to your attention, but nothing has been done. leo continues to only write with the same three white and white passing characters. charlotte pretty much only appears to write with leo and post a vague “message me for plots” post that wasn’t even tagged. both of you only put effort into your ship threads with each other and the occasional text threads. even with something like group events: while i’ve been here, there’s been a pride event that neither of your characters were even in new york for (an event where i was the only one reaching out and posting multiple starters, by the way); there was no event last month, and this month all you’re talking about is this housewarming party.

i’m really disheartened that it’s come to this, but i can’t be here anymore. please post unfollows for all my characters. you’ve said multiple times that we should trust you as admins, but this message shows again that i simply can’t do that. from the disregard of trigger warnings, to the way you treated being held accountable for the lack of diversity, to how you respond to people asking for hiatuses, this isn’t a safe space. even if i stayed, the target you have placed on me is making it insufferable to just write my characters in peace.

the other muns who received the same bubbling message (copy pasted btw, we all got the same one word for word) all responded with their own concerns and criticisms in responses of a similar length to mine. none of us received a reply, our unfollows were just posted the next day without any further responses from the admins. a few of the other members who had written and plotted with us chose to leave as well, which the admins wrote off as us just dragging them with us as opposed to them being able to make their own decisions and being aware of the situation (which was incredibly obvious. no promotion of a white fc ban, suddenly being active on the main once they try to stealthily drop the ban, then the majority of their muses of colour leaving???)

i haven’t paid the rp much attention since i left, as i mentioned above i blocked the main and the majority of the members just for my own mental health. but from a quick scroll through today i can see that the only change in diversity rules is that now instead of your third character having to be a poc, it is now your second. however, you still only have to have 1 character out of 3 have a fc of colour. so very little has been done, but of course i’m not surprised in the slightist.

these admins don’t want diversity in their roleplay. if you play any character who isn’t a rich, white, cishet neurotypical, please avoid it at all costs. it’s not in any way a safe environment.

[atopearth]

Collar X Malice Part 1 - Enomoto Mineo Route

It was hard choosing between Cafe Enchante, Code Realize and Collar X Malice, but I decided to choose the latter because I think it sounds the most interesting to me, and I'm not really in the mood for magical or steampunk fantasy hahaha. I'm still not really into the art style of Collar X Malice though haha. Anyway, I always find it saddening to see people killed for a group's justice/ideologies since a lot of the time, it's not like they particularly targeted a specific person, but alike this case, they target a specific group of people - the police. It always makes me wonder about how cruel it is thinking how of all people, it had to be them, and what other people who were "luckily" not in their place would feel? Would they feel guilty but happy that it wasn't them? Or just rage over the idea that they've done this to their colleagues? It's always terrible to think about the lost of freedom of the captured, how they live in fear for months over the possibility of their incoming death, and then having to experience death without even really knowing why it had to be them. I already find the setting quite interesting, not only does it seem like a terrorist organisation is rampant, but the government decides that enclosing people inside Shinjuku to find these terrorists before the supposed X-Day is the best measure, and even giving people over the age of 20 guns for self-defence is certainly a fascinating way to handle things. It obviously isn't a great idea, but I'm curious to see what would happen~ Wow, it was obvious things would be tense but seeing normal people aim their guns at police officers calling them useless to vent out their stress and anger at being stuck in Shinjuku is pretty scary... this is definitely not a good time to be a police officer. I think it's great to see how different both Mochida and Ichika are, but still see how they both are really kind in their own ways. Mochida may have been a hot-headed guy back in the day (as he says), but seeing him right now shows how mature and strong he is. He knows how to calmly handle situations, and also prioritise protecting Ichika. I think it's really sweet to know that when the guns were first distributed to citizens, Ichika used to get really scared when people would pull the gun on her, but Mochida would always protect her. It's nice to see that she's now also grown enough to handle it in her own way by calmly writing down their firearm numbers (on each individual gun to identify people).

Saeki seems like a cool guy too! I love how he encouraged her during their training academy days that to shoot is to protect, and that helped her have the conviction to try her best to practise shooting with a gun. I love how Ichika trains daily even though it seems like her department doesn't really "need" it, I like her passion for her work. Feels bad for Ichika that she had to experience near-death from poison, that's pretty scary. On the other hand, the CG with Yanagi desperate to save her was pretty. I thought Enomoto was the harsh one, but it seems like it's actually Sasazuka who is hahaha. Shiraishi seems like the mad scientist type, but a fun one? Lol. Ooh he does criminal profiling and is the director of the Field Ops team/the forensic part of things. Hmmm so Yanagi and them are all former cops. I wonder what the people who put the collar on Ichika mean when they call her a sympathiser that may exact their will in the future? How does killing police and other people through the X-Day incidents exact the justice they desire? Maybe there's more to the specific people they killed and the police are hiding it? Lmaooo when Enomoto did his introduction to Ichika and took out a fan for the kabuki style intro hahahaha.

Aww, Okazaki is so cute, I like him, I think he's my favourite right now. He seems innocent but suspicious at the same time haha. On the other hand, Sasazuka is pretty intense, I felt sorry for Ichika when he so chillingly stared at her at such a close distance, like geez personal space please, even if you hate her lol. I'll admit that the questions she asked were pretty obvious, but that's because I can see it objectively whereas she's actually in the situation so it's more tough for her. At least Yanagi is nice enough to explain anything she doesn't understand. Lmao when Okazaki fell asleep on her shoulder. I think it's really nice how Okazaki gives off such a gentle feel, I guess it's not too hard to gauge what kind of person Ichika is considering how easily she went along with him and even let him sleep on her shoulder for half an hour lol. Honestly if I had to pick a suspicious Adonis guy, I would have to pick Saeki (sorry if I'm wrong😂), mainly because I feel like he understands her passion best and he even spends time drinking with her and knows her quite well. Lmao I find it so cute how "traditional" Enomoto is being shocked at Ichika taking the drunk Saeki back to his house and having gone over to his house many times loll. HAHAHA when Saeki kinda woke up for a bit and said Enomoto must be Ichika's boyfriend and they both rejected the idea adamantly. The funniest thing was when she said Enomoto wasn't her type (in retaliation of him saying the same thing to her) and he got hurt by it lmaooo.

Ohh I see, so the police officers who were captured and killed in the beginning of the game were actually "corrupt". Hmm it's interesting how each of the incidents involve very different types of cases, it feels more like Adonis is comprised of different people with different thoughts rather than just one team with one objective or just one person. It seems that one thing Adonis can agree on is that it thinks of bullying as the ultimate crime imo🤔 Trust me to be interested in the case that the guy I'm least interested in (Sasazuka) is in charge of. Nothing against Sasazuka but he's not really appealing right now so hopefully he'll change my mind haha. Anyway, I quite like Enomoto so I'm excited to check out his route~ He's the most "normal" I guess? Maybe it's because he's close in age to Ichika so he's straightforward but not super nice like Yanagi, and not so extreme like Sasazuka, and not weird like Shiraishi haha. Enomoto seems like such an awkward guy with women, it's so cute hahaha. HAHAHA, I loved it when he said "I didn't just think you were cute or anything like that!" He's so hilarious. It was cute how she popped an ice cube into his mouth when he drank the scalding hot tea lol. I think it's pretty cute how Ichika already kinda knows how to deal with him lol.

On the other hand, Ichika's little brother seems like such a little shit to her right now lol. He's probably protecting his friend from bullying or whatever but still, his attitude towards his sister is pretty bad. I'm definitely warming up to Sakuragawa, she's like the girl friend Ichika needs that helps her with the guys since they're all confusing to her lol. Is it just me suspecting everyone or does Shiraishi's playfulness telling Ichika to try her best to not die in this collar "test to see if she's worthy by Adonis" sound like the playfulness of Adonis during the May incident with the killing of the four police officers?🤔 Anyway, lmao at how shy Enomoto is that he immediately ran away the moment he accidentally bumped into Ichika, and she tried chasing him but he's way too fast lol. It's so cute how he came running back when she tripped and scraped her leg though lol. Enomoto was so hilarious when he piggybacked her and tried to calm himself down saying he shouldn't think and only feel HAHAHA, not sure if that's gonna help you😂 It's so funny how he doesn't know how to handle all these situations with Ichika but demands to be a gentleman, I love it. I also couldn't help but laugh when he told her the reason he wore an eyepatch is because he respects Date Masamune hahahaha, to be fair, I think it's awesome how much he loves the Sengoku era part of history, and to be fair, the eyepatch thing is pretty hot. Just as I was about to say Sasazuka was really annoying asking whether Ichika was serious about this and talking about her collar, (like dude I'm sure she's the one who is the most worried, she's the one that's going to die, just because she doesn't look like she's doing anything doesn't mean she isn't, she's just not as smart, and it's not like she can throw aside all her other problems just for this), Enomoto stood up for her!! I was so happy. I'm also happy Ichika finally said something against Sasazuka and it was for Enomoto! But it does seem like Sasazuka is kinda concerned for Enomoto or maybe just his case hahaahha. Anyway, sometimes Ichika just takes so much shit from Sasazuka, I honestly feel bad for her.

Omgg, the police officer called Fujii who had been confirmed dead from the April/May incident was actually Enomoto's senior and he really respected him as the embodiment of justice? They even seemed so friendly... No wonder why he lacks the motivation to find the truth about these incidents. He probably wouldn't know what to do if he really found that the guy he admired all this time really was a criminal... But at the same time, since he had the resolve to leave the police for this, shouldn't he hope to investigate and find evidence that maybe Adonis was wrong? But I guess I can see why he would be so down. It honestly broke my heart to see Enomoto filled with anger looking at Fujii's dead body... Especially when he was trying this best to save him by looking everywhere for him... He was so close.. oh..I see, Enomoto really did try to prove Fujii's innocence, until he actually found undeniable evidence of the opposite..That's sad.. Honestly, I thought I would find Enomoto frustrating to deal with, and I guess in a sense he can be, considering how he can't let go of the case but at the same time he's not doing anything about it. But I just relate so much to him being stuck in a rut right now, I just couldn't blame him. His reasons are of course more understandable than mine, but yeah that feeling of being stuck and not knowing how to handle it really kills. Anyway, Ichika in terms of words didn't really do much, but I think just chasing after Enomoto and expressing to him that she wants to continue being his case partner and that she would never betray him was enough, the rest depends on if he can face it and her.

Is that guy with piercings in a band with Kazuki, Okazaki??? That's so random lmao. (EDIT: no, I’m just not used to the art so they looked similar to me LOL, my bad Okazaki!) When it comes to Kazuki, I can understand his frustration considering how his sister never has the time for him and his parents are insistent on him inheriting a boarding house he doesn't care for, but what I hate is how he blames everything on Ichika without looking at his own problems. Whenever Ichika tries in any way to talk to him, he's hostile about it, has he ever cared about her? Has he ever asked her how she's doing?? She's the one that has to go to work so many hours a day during a crappy time like this, and it's not even the best time to be a part of the police, but has he ever thought to ask her how is she doing physically and mentally??? Instead, she's always trying her best to make his meals, feed him properly and using any time she has to speak to him in some way but he never appreciates it and never sees it as anything more as she's "annoying". Yeah, he's going through a rebellious teenage stage but he annoys me so much because it's all about me, me and me, and he doesn't spare a thought to her, she's not even his mother but she has to take care of him like she's one and he still complains about her without even trying to communicate himself. Lmao when Enomoto used Ichika as a body pillow and drunkingly told her how cute he thought she was hahahaha. HAHAHA, I love how dramatic Enomoto is to dogeza to Ichika and apologise for his drunk self, I nearly died when he misunderstood so badly he was about to propose to her😂😂😂 Anyway, Ichika trying to have a proper talk with Kazuki when he's sleeping is definitely not a good idea lol! For one, he's definitely someone who hates waking up, so the idea of her waking him up early + being in his private space would definitely annoy him lol, I still think he's an ass but I feel like Ichika should properly think about and communicate with him to find a time they can both be calm and talk without anything like work interfering. Okay, lmao at Enomoto reciting the numbers for pi to calm himself down, can this guy can get any more funnier and cuter?🤣🤣 Hahahaha, it's so Enomoto to say he wanted to be a policeman because of police dramas right after Ichika talked about her touching story of wanting to help people😂 I honestly can't get enough of Enomoto, I love how straightforward and honest he is complimenting Ichika's food, and I love how he's such a doting older brother. He's so sincere with everything, it's so sweet. Blushing Enomoto is the cutest thing everrr!

Honestly, seeing Enomoto be so mature and own up to Kazuki that it was rude of him for being loud in their apartment was nice, but wow, Kazuki is such a shit that he can't even treat guests with any form of politeness. Like seriously dude, does the whole world owe you something that you feel like you need to treat every person like crap? Hahahah, I love how Ichika decided to tease Enomoto a little bit when he finally returned her feelings (towards the cases), and decided to try again with the investigations having her as his partner. I feel like they suit each other well because they're both unafraid to speak their feelings towards each other and tease each other. HAHAHA LMAO when Enomoto shouted so loudly on the streets asking Ichika to be his partner, I died from laughter, especially when he followed up with a please😂😂😂 It's kinda funny how Yanagi kinda deciphers for Enomoto and them what Sasazuka means even if he's being pretty harsh, he's like Sasazuka's interpreter lmao. Anyway, I'm glad Enomoto also told Yanagi and Sasazuka properly about his intentions and apologising for not doing anything the whole time he's been there. Honestly, I loved the part when Enomoto came to save Ichika, it was just so cool how he put a coat on her (since the thugs told her to strip or they'll kill the hostage) and then beat those guys up. I just love how dorky he can be, but also how mature he is when it's required. I also find it so sweet that Enomoto didn't reprimand her or anything about being rash without a plan, and instead told her that her efforts weren't in vain since it took the thugs off guard and gave him time to subdue them. I really liked the part where Ichika held Enomoto's hand as he talked to her about Fujii. It never really occurred to me that Enomoto would have possibly thought that Fujii died because of him. Since it was because Enomoto started racking up achievements and was transferred to Field Ops that it apparently made Fujii feel desperate to get a promotion, leading to all those false arrests he did... It must hurt to think that the person you respected in the end became desperate for their own position because of you. It's pretty saddening as well since Enomoto genuinely felt encouraged with Fujii's support and words, and it was because of Fujii that he was able to achieve what he could. Personally, I feel that even if Fujii did feel like that, I'm sure he was also happy for Enomoto, because being happy for them but dissatisfied with your own position doesn't have to contradict each other. Anyway, for some reason when Hana appeared, I couldn't help but imagine the idea of Kazuki being a part of Adonis...🤔🤔

I love how easily Enomoto is able to lighten the mood of the story. It's so adorable how he practised before asking Ichika out for lunch hahaha. It's so cute how Enomoto and Ichika bond over pudding hahaha. I think what I love the most about Ichika and Enomoto is how frank they are with each other. There's no misunderstandings because Enomoto will always explain what he means when he says things, and he always tells her his appreciation for what she does. Maybe that's the influence from Fujii, he really knows how to encourage others and reassure them. I find it so funny how Ichika knew Enomoto doesn't like carrots but was too shy and prideful to admit it, so she suggested exchanging her bowl for it and even said she loves carrots sooo much lmao. Enomoto is so honest even when it comes to texts hahaaha, it's cute how he actually told her he thought it would be just them two going to Kazuki's concert. I also really liked how Enomoto helped Ichika to understand that Kazuki doesn't really hate her, he just thinks that she doesn't care about him or his dream, and that's understandable since she's so busy. It became obvious that the crazy one was Hana but I didn't think she would ruin Isshiki's concert considering she's such a big fan of him. But yeah, I really admire Isshiki for being able to pick himself up after losing his big chance at debuting because of Fujii's mistaken arrest, it was also nice to know that Fujii really regretted his actions and sent many letters to apologise for ruining his dream at that time. My heart really hurt for Enomoto having to hear that Fujii begged for his life but Hana happily tortured him to death. It was just so heartbreaking. I honestly can't take it when I hear or hear about people say they don't want to die, it always makes me cry. I can totally feel Enomoto's rage, so I'm glad Ichika was there to remind him of his justice, just like how he was there to remind her to keep calm about Kazuki being a hostage.

LOL I kept missing the trigger for trigger mode because I had no idea where I was supposed to aim for, I had to Google and find out that it's the bold outer red ring lol. Sorry Enomoto for missing so many times lmao. Anyway, Saeki's "last words" do make it seem like he's the Adonis guy who got her caught up in all this with the collar, but at the same time Akito seems like he knows something too? As for Hana, is she being controlled or brainwashed or something? Well, it's okay, I'm just glad that Kazuki and Ichika can finally talk a bit more and have each other both realise that they both do care for each other and were just jealous of what each other had that the other didn't (Ichika was jealous that Kazuki was smart and their parents had expectations of him, whereas for her, they didn't seem to care, but at the same time, Kazuki was jealous of the freedom Ichika had to become a cop like she wanted to). It makes me wonder though, is Adonis actually made up of a bunch of dissatisfied cops? I love how frank Ichika and Enomoto are with each other, it was so cute how they were arguing about how nice Enomoto was being hahaha. I loved it so much when he said she was the best partner he could ever ask for, my heart melted. I also loved how he reassured her about Saeki, since they're police and putting their life on the line for the people they protect is something they all understand. Lmao when Enomoto was so proud that Ichika called him Mineo and wanted to stay as the only one Ichika calls by first name hahaha, he's so silly.

I was wondering what led to the mistaken arrest with Isshiki and Ogata, and omg, that's honestly pretty saddening. I feel more sorry for Ogata though, his life literally fell apart with him losing his job and family when all he did was try to stop the drunk guy from going crazy harassing Isshiki, and then he tried to stop the guy from suiciding but was mistakenly seen to have pushed him. That's bad, especially since what made Ogata admit to his guilt was basically pressure and stress from dealing with it all, and the reputation of Fujii and his testimony made those who handled the case further biased into thinking Isshiki and Ogata really did it. Like, at least for Isshiki, it may have been a chance of a lifetime but he still has people around him who believe in him, but who does Ogata have? It was surprisingly easy to get Ogata to talk, but it's not like he's a professional killer considering he's driven by revenge... Anyway lmao when Sasazuka got some info that would help Mineo but said he didn't do it for him, and Mineo called him a tsundere hahhaha. Anyway, I loved Mineo's confession, it just felt so sincere, sweet and full of affection and care for Ichika, I was super happy for her~ I wonder if Akito was going to join Adonis but decided not to because he realised that if Adonis continued, then Kazuki's dreams would be destroyed (since Shinjuku would be in chaos). I think Ichika personalising her reasons for wanting to stop Adonis other than the killing is wrong thing helped Akito put into perspective that not only are their actions wrong, but also that what they're doing isn't helping people like Kazuki who are trying their best despite all the fear and murders in this city. I assume that the bomb that someone told the police to disarm was related to Akito then. Anyway, I wanted to say Mineo was silly for playing right into Ogata's hands by punching him and stuff, but Mineo is right, even with Ichika's support, this isn't something he can just magically get over especially when it comes to Fujii. Blame the bad guy and not the victim! Otherwise, I'm soo happy with Kazuki and Ichika's relationship right now, they're so cute, I love how he's really helping to encourage her to just straight up tell Mineo her feelings and stop dilly-dallying haha. It was so hilarious when Mineo thought Ichika cooking for him and confessing to him was like a dream or something that's happening after death lmaoo, I'm glad she put him in his place and said it's disrespectful to her for saying that when she's trying so hard to tell him she likes him though haha.

Seeing Ichika and Mineo act as a couple is so cutee, and LOL when Mineo told Kazuki he can call him big brother now hahahahha. I really like Isshiki, I think his speech at the concert was really touching because you could feel how much he was hurt by the wrongful arrest, but at the same time you could feel how grateful he was to the police he originally hated. It doesn't mean he necessarily likes them again, but at least he understands that there are police like Ichika and them who are willing to sacrifice their lives for others and I think thanking them for that was really heartfelt and kind of him to do, especially considering what Ogata is saying on TV now. On the other hand, I really feel for Ogata because imo, he lost much more than Isshiki did. Isshiki may have lost a once in a lifetime chance for his dream, but he never lost himself. For Ogata, he lost everything that supported him as a person, his family, his job, probably his friends, but I think his biggest lost was his sense of justice and his principles. He must have always thought that as long as you do what you think is right, then justice will prevail, but from his wrongful arrest, it was proven untrue and I feel like that was probably what shattered him the most, the fact that what he believed in his whole life (as a person with a strong sense of justice) was a lie. Anyway, I like Minegishi, he's a pretty cool guy, rational and kind. Also glad Sasazuka worked with the police to get Ichika's collar off, I felt so relieved for her, and I loved how Mineo cried a bit after hearing it, he cares about her so much. Aww I really liked how Mineo staged that farce at the TV station to make Ogata realise for himself that the justice he seeks isn't really in the destruction he's trying to cause right now. Otherwise, it's kinda anti-climactic that the route just ended after that lol! It felt so random. But I did think it was cute how Mineo practically proposed to Ichika, and it was nice to see him go back to the police, I think he really belongs there. Adonis just giving up was random since I don't feel like Ogata or the collars were what made up the core of their being and values but whatever, can find that out in other routes. The tragic love ending was pretty sad, like I felt so bad for Ichika, but also for Mineo. Sad for Ichika that she lost what it meant to be a police officer for herself, and sad for Mineo that he thinks that he "ruined" her by making her decide that saving him was more important than the justice she and Mineo strove for together. It was pretty devastating to see Mineo try to tell her that they could get through this together but Ichika couldn't do it and just left, that was pretty heartbreaking. Seeing Ichika's indecision in other bad endings were pretty sad, I think they could have developed them better, especially the one where Mineo shot Ogata, but oh well, not important haha.

Overall, I really loved Mineo. Most of his route was great, but I do think the way they handled Ogata was more awkward than I liked since I feel like, they could have explored his pain better? Other than him repeating how his life was ruined by the police, you didn't really get much of his story from him aside from the fact that he was a guy who believed in justice, which was obvious, so I personally think if they did that better, Mineo could have understood him better too? Like, Isshiki was easier to understand because Kazuki's dream and respect for Isshiki helped to build on his character, but Ogata didn't have that. Anyway, those are probably my only gripes because omg Mineo was such a highlight. Honestly, I didn't expect much from Mineo because whenever anyone mentions this game, it's always about how great Sasazuka and Shiraishi are, but wow, I love Mineo SO MUCH. He never failed to make me smile and laugh throughout the entire route because he was such an earnest, wholesome and sweet guy. I loved how awkwardly he handled relationships and love (it's so cute to see the guy flustered instead every now and then), but it was also great to see how cool he could be when he expressed his thoughts and feelings to Ichika. I really enjoyed the two of them together because it really felt like a normal relationship where they both support each other, tell each other off and work things out together. I could really feel why and how Mineo came to appreciate Ichika, and I could feel why Ichika would fall for someone so cool yet silly. I liked how they dealt with Mineo's past and reasons for being the way he was as well, and I think that was the best part of the route, I really felt his anguish and torment over Fujii, and all his confusion over his beliefs and what he should do now, I absolutely loved all that. Definitely a touching, sweet but also heart-wrenching route, I don't know if the others can top this for me honestly but we shall see!

[estamos-destinadas]

Snapshots: Better Friends

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Andrea looks around the crowded cafe from one of the corner tables as she sips her coffee and takes little bites of her cheesecake. It’s just after lunchtime in the middle of summer; the weather is hot and humid, prompting people to crowd in air-conditioned coffee shops. She’s glad that she came early enough to be able to secure a good table.

She’s waiting for Valentina to arrive. The two of them haven’t really spoken since a little after Valentina’s father died. Valentina more or less cut herself off from everyone after that tragedy and, unlike Sergio and Nayeli — and Lucho, may he rest in peace — Andrea hasn’t made an effort to reach out.

Then again, she and Valentina didn’t really hang out much even before that.

Andrea’s parents, both lawyers, have worked for Valentina’s family for as long as she can remember. She and Valentina met when they were in their teens and they became kind of friends. ‘Kind of' because Valentina was studying in Canada. They are now going to the same university, but Valentina, like their other friends, always used to cut classes and go to parties every day of the week, and that simply isn’t Andrea’s style.

It’s not like she doesn’t know how to have fun; she does, but she also wants to do well in her studies and become a successful lawyer like her parents. She used to find it a shame that Valentina often succumbed to peer pressure when, on the few times they talked without others interrupting, Valentina would eagerly discuss politics and documentaries with her. She and Valentina aren’t close, so she never really cared that Valentina chose to go drinking and partying every day with their other friends. However, she is ashamed to admit that, when those so-called ‘friends’ cyberbullied Valentina for being gay, a part of her felt that Valentina brought it on herself for choosing to stick with shallow friends who turned on her the moment she deviated from the norm.

It was that guilt that made Andrea reach out to Valentina a week ago, albeit tentatively. She wasn’t really aiming for a coffee meetup. She only commented on Valentina’s latest Instagram picture of her girlfriend, saying that she’s very pretty; Valentina agreed profusely, complete with hearts and smiley emojis; she messaged Valentina privately to tell her that she never posted mean things about her; Valentina said she knew; they got to talking about how the other was doing; and then they agreed to meet up for coffee.

Valentina would be bringing her girlfriend. Andrea is very keen to meet the latter. Not only is Valentina Carvajal dating a woman — it’s still quite shocking, even months later — she also overcame peer and societal pressure for that woman, even going so far as to come out on national television. Andrea is suitably mind-blown.

.

Presently, Valentina arrives at the coffee shop, scanning the place until she catches sight of Andrea. With her is the woman Andrea has seen on her Instagram posts. The two of them are holding hands, and Andrea watches with interest as they approach.

“Hola, Andrei,” Valentina greets cheerfully.

“Vale, hey,” Andrea returns. She stands up to kiss her friend’s cheek and gets drawn in a tight hug, which prompts a laugh out of her. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed about Valentina.

But Valentina has changed. Her smile as she steps back from the hug and takes her girlfriend’s hand again is unlike anything Andrea has ever seen. Valentina has always been a bubbly, cheerful person, but now joy seems to radiate out of her.

“Esta es mi novia, Juliana,” Valentina says, her tone full of pride, like she’s presenting some sort of great discovery.

Juliana is dressed simply: sneakers, jeans, and an artfully ripped and washed-out denim jacket over a dark yellow shirt. She is pretty in an unassuming sort of way, wearing only the barest hint of make-up, though Andrea wonders if she did something with her eyelashes or they’re just naturally long and curved like that.

Andrea finds herself wanting to tease Valentina. She settles for shooting a smirk at her friend, who flushes and hurries the introductions along. After Andrea and Juliana shake hands and exchange greetings, the three of them take their seats, with Andrea sitting across from Valentina and Juliana.

After a waiter takes Valentina and Juliana’s orders, Andrea makes small talk with them about the summer heat and the cafe’s artsy ambience until the same waiter returns with two cups of coffee, an almond croissant, and a cinnamon bun. They fall silent while the two women wordlessly halve their pastries to share with the other, murmuring their thanks as they smile and stare at each other for a moment longer than what’s probably polite in company.

Andrea observes them with a smile, noting how they seem to flow around each other, though she makes no comment on it. Instead, she asks Valentina about how she has been doing since they last saw each other at the beginning of the year.

Valentina tells Andrea about having dropped some of her subjects, which explains why Andrea no longer saw her at the university towards the end of the school year. Valentina doesn’t say the reason for it but she doesn’t need to; her family’s trials and tribulations have been front-page news since her father’s death. Glossing over that fact, Valentina goes on to say that she’s taking summer classes so she can make up some of the lost credits.

Apparently, one of the factors behind that decision is because Juliana is also taking summer classes. Juliana candidly elaborates that she’s taking part in an accelerated program so she could earn her high school diploma before she starts at the Ferrer Fashion Institute in the fall, on an almost full scholarship. Andrea has always been good at gleaning facts that people aren’t saying, and from Juliana’s explanations, she learns three things about her: that she’s younger than Andrea and Valentina, that she doesn’t come from wealth, and that she’s the fashion designer ‘friend’ who Valentina bragged about all those months ago.

Andrea couldn’t help but tease Valentina about the last one.

Valentina’s resulting blush and almost-shy but pleased smile makes Andrea realise that her friend never actually liked Lucho, not even a little bit. Valentina never got bashful with or over him, and she has certainly never smiled like that because of him. The fact that Lucho’s gone is the only reason that Andrea doesn’t make that observation out loud.

Andrea makes the mistake of asking after Eva Carvajal, who was represented by Andrea’s mom during her court trials. Valentina’s reply to her question is short; she’s clearly uncomfortable about the subject. Things would have gotten awkward were it not for Juliana dropping her hand under the table. Andrea can’t see it, but it’s clear that Juliana has put her hand on Valentina’s thigh. Somehow, with that one gesture, Juliana is able to draw Valentina back from one of those moody spirals she occasionally falls into.

Glad that she doesn’t have to deal with Valentina’s moodines, Andrea steers the conversation back to safer waters; namely, Juliana. The other woman seems a little shy at having the focus on her, but Valentina’s bright smile as she gazes at her girlfriend tells Andrea that she asked the right question this time.

When Andrea learns that Juliana is from the USA, her interest is piqued even further. However, Juliana seems hesitant to say anything about her life before moving to Mexico. The warning look Valentina sends her way discourages Andrea from probing, so she asks Juliana about the sights and spots she’s been to in Mexico City and surrounding towns.

Andrea has suggested probably a dozen places, Juliana nodding politely at each one, when Valentina interrupts.

“Andrea,” Valentina starts, “Juls has been here for about five months, she has been to all of those places. With me.”

“Val’s been showing me around,” Juliana adds. The two of them smile at each other, Valentina dropping her hand under the table, probably to hold Juliana’s hand.

“Really?” Andrea can’t hide the note of surprise in her voice.

“Of course,” Valentina says. “What kind of negligent girlfriend do you take me for?” she asks in a faux-insulted tone.

Andrea doesn’t know how to reply to that. She thought Valentina would have been kept busy by her family’s issues. Lucho used to complain endlessly about how Valentina always prioritised her family before him, even before Valentina’s father passed away. Even without considering her family, Andrea thinks that Valentina was negligent with Lucho — not that he and his tantrums deserved any attention.

As Andrea looks across the table at Juliana poking Valentina in the side, prompting soft giggles out of the latter, she realises that she shouldn’t be surprised that Valentina has taken the time to show Juliana all around Mexico City.

Juliana glances at Andrea, but Valentina seems to have forgotten about everyone else around them. And are they somehow sitting closer than they were before?

Andrea clears her throat. “So, which ones were your favourites, Juliana? Of the places you’ve checked out, I mean.”

“Ah, me gusta los parques,” Juliana replies. Valentina rests her arm on the table as she gazes at Juliana, nearly putting her elbow on her plate of pastries. “Y los museos de arte. También, me gusta mucho Coyoacán.”

“Te lo encanta,” Valentina chimes in, her tone affectionately teasing.

Juliana smiles at her. “Es muy bonito, ese- ah… ‘neighbourhood’?” she says, sheepishly quoting the last word.

Valentina returns the smile. “Alcaldía,” she corrects gently.

Andrea is slightly appalled that someone would not know the term ‘alcaldía’, but Juliana’s cheeky response of, “That’s what I said,” in English, makes both her and Valentina laugh.

They start talking about the museum and other installations dedicated to Frida Kahlo in Coyoacán, which turns to a comparison of Mexican artists, and finally about art in general, a subject which both Valentina and Juliana clearly enjoy discussing. From there, their conversation flows on to other topics: from Mexican films, to cafes and restaurants around Mexico City, to the similarities and differences between Texas’ Mexican food and actual Mexican cuisine.

The afternoon passes by in pleasant conversation. They end up having to buy a few more cups of coffee and additional selections of pastries so as to not get kicked out of the cafe.

At one point, Juliana excuses herself from the table to go to the toilet. Valentina seems like she’s considering going with Juliana, but the two women exchange a look and Valentina stays seated. Valentina stares at Juliana until she disappears around a corner.

Andrea is about to make a teasing comment on Valentina’s dopey smile when her expression turns into a frown.

“That man is staring at her,” Valentina says flatly.

Andrea looks in the direction of Valentina’s disapproving stare and sees their waiter.

“I knew he was flirting with her,” Valentina continues, turning to Andrea. “Juls doesn’t realise it– she never does, but these men trying to flirt with her are very annoying.”

Andrea is both amused and surprised. Maybe that waiter was indeed flirting, but she’s pretty sure he was trying to flirt with all three of them. Andrea herself enjoyed the brief attention; the man is quite good-looking. Andrea does her best not to laugh because Valentina sounds serious, but something in her expression must have given away her amusement.

“Qué?” says Valentina.

“I’ve never seen you like this before,” Andrea says frankly.

“Like what?”

“Like… like this,” Andrea replies, waving in Valentina’s direction.

Valentina is so attentive with Juliana, so visibly adoring, and a little possessive too.

“So… into someone,” Andrea settles on saying. “And it’s not just that…”

Valentina’s brows are furrowed in that instant, but there’s a lightness and clarity to her expression that Andrea has never seen before. She seems so present, so in the moment, like she’s exactly where she wants to be.

“I mean,” Andrea continues, “you’re taking summer classes!”

It’s the last thing she expected of Valentina or anyone in their old group of friends, all of whom come from families who can afford to pay their tuition fees without blinking an eye. Andrea herself doesn’t have to worry about her tuition fees, but at least she makes good use of the money her parents are spending on her. Valentina, on the other hand—  

“You’ve never worried about classes before,” Andrea adds. “I didn’t even know that you like going to parks and museums, or just chilling out in cafes. It’s like you’re a completely different person,” Andrea states, though as soon as the words are out of her mouth she realises it’s not exactly true. “But not really,” she corrects herself. “It’s just that you seem more… I don’t know,” she gives up, “I can’t put my finger on it.”

Valentina’s frown disappears and she lets out a small smile. “I feel more myself,” Valentina admits quietly as she stirs her coffee, probably as an excuse to look down. “All those times with our fr– with Lucho and Nayeli and the others– I felt like I was pretending to like the parties and the alcohol and the… the drugs,” she adds in a whisper. “I really admired that you could say no when we tried to pressure you to come with us, and I’m really sorry for my part in that–”

“Vale, no,” Andrea has to stop her. “You’ve never– I think we were in the same boat.”

“I suppose so,” Valentina agrees, “but unlike you, I couldn’t say no to them…. When I met Juls, she– she’s so genuine and sincere, you know? The first time we talked, it was like… she already knew me, and liked me for me. She had no idea who my family was,” she says, chuckling at some private memory. “And the more we got to know each other, the more she made me want to be genuine to myself. Just by being herself, she makes me want to go after the things I want, not the things that people think I should want. Does that make sense?”

“Yes,” Andrea says, nodding a few times. She herself has always been one to go after the things she wants, even as a child. “It’s great to see you like this, Vale,” she says honestly, smiling at her friend across the table. I’m glad you met Juliana. I’m happy for you.”

Valentina breaks into a wide grin. “I’m happy for me too. I’ve never been so… well, I–”

Juliana chooses that moment to return. If possible, Valentina’s smile becomes even more radiant.

Andrea doesn’t need Valentina to describe exactly how happy she is. Andrea can see it written all over her face.

.

Later, Andrea says goodbye to her friend and her friend’s girlfriend with promises to keep in touch even over the summer break. She takes a moment to observe the two women as they walk away together, Valentina’s arm around Juliana’s shoulder. Andrea went into their meetup expecting to catch up with Valentina and get to know her girlfriend. To that end, she was not disappointed. She realises, however, that she is also getting to know Valentina properly for the first time since they met all those years ago.

She hopes that they can start to be better friends to each other now.

.

.

.

[msjr0119]

One Temptation

Introduction

*This new series is based on The Royal Romance characters who belong to Pixelberry - AU Plot switch*

Riley Brooks moves back to New York after leaving five years prior- struggling to get by in life she wanted to go home. After getting mugged, a woman and man come to her rescue and offer her a job at their strip club. A rich business man Liam Rhys is forced to visit the club as part of his bachelor party. What will happen that night?

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******

Riley Brooks returned to New York City, five years ago she left the city that she was brought up in. It was one of the hardest cities to live in - but if you could survive, you would be able to live anywhere. Moving to Florida to live with her Gran, she enjoyed her time there- but she was terribly homesick. Landing back in the Big Apple, subconsciously she kept checking over her shoulder, afraid of seeing the ghosts of her past.

*******

Unflinching, the mysterious dark figure blocked my way. I needed to not show the fear that was building up throughout my body. Carrying on walking, I wanted to scream for help, but barely a whimper could escape my lips. He spoke almost too confident, in denial as if he wasn’t doing any wrong. I could tell this wasn't his first time doing this type of thing, but it was my first time being this type of victim. "Purse now!” He demanded, as he pushed me against the cold stoned wall. Punching me like a punch bag, my body was slowly giving in- the grip of my bag slowly loosened. Hearing more footsteps behind me, I knew I was surrounded. My hands shook as I handed over my purse- why did I give in? There was only a few dollars in it, nothing sentimental. The credit card could be frozen. As if like ghosts they disappeared in an instant. I stood still frozen, shaking still in shock, not wanting to leave the alley in case there was an ambush awaiting me. In that moment the quietness that had surrounded me was now the opposite, exiting the alley- the familiar noises of New York begin ringing through my ears again. It was as if time had frozen, and someone had clicked their fingers bringing me back to reality.

Riley’s perfect ponytail was now messed up, loose hair falling over her features. Not knowing where she was staying due to her impromptu return, she needed to find her way to somewhere familiar. Stumbling as she walked the streets, she began to feel dizzy- flinching as she felt a calloused hand touch her.

“Are you okay Miss?” The concerned couple gazed at her, as the blood began to dry around her button nose. Her cheeks were swollen, anyone would think she had overdosed on Botox.

“Yes, sorry. I’ve just been mugged that’s all.” The two people looked at each, Riley felt defeated and agreed to allow them to help her eventually. Either way, a little bit of warmth from two strangers was better than sleeping rough. Believing now, it was a mistake returning back ‘home’ in the first place.

*****

Arriving at the location, the two strangers cleaned Riley up. Gently dabbing her nose and cheeks with some ice and gauze. She was still in shock, that she didn’t comprehend that the ‘bar’ was in fact a strip club.

“Honey. If you want, you can stay here with us- work for us. We will keep you safe.” They were intrigued to find out a background story on the vulnerable girl in front of them. They assumed she had no living family, struggling to make ends meat. They may seem like murderers, but they took young women under their wings all the time.

“I... I... Erm... I don’t dance. I was a waitress though.”

“The girls could teach you dancing. It won’t take long- a matter of hours. And if you have a strong determined mind, you’ll smash it.” Riley didn’t want to degrade herself, Sure the money she would earn would help her until she found something else. What else had she to lose?

****

Liam Rhys was an successful business man, he had taken over the business when his father passed away. By rights, his older brother Leo should have taken over the business- but he wasn’t responsible enough. Liam had his head screwed on, and prioritised his families business over his happiness. He had been in a relationship with Leo’s ex girlfriend, Madeleine for five years and tonight was his bachelor party.

Leo dragged them to the ‘Wild cats’ strip club; Liam, Maxwell and Drake weren’t that impressed. Liam knew Madeleine would throttle him, Maxwell was quite content just socialising in a normal club where he could bust out his infamous dance moves, Drake would have just preferred to drink whiskey in a dive bar, he was the newest member of the group moving to New York from Texas recently.

“Excuse me gentlemen, I’ll be right back.”

The men looked at him furiously, Leo dragged them here and then ditched them. Observing him walking over to the bar, they laughed at the woman who had just busted his nose. Overhearing the laughter coming from Leo’s direction, they saw the woman delicately seeing to his injuries that she had caused.

“Is that?” Maxwell thought his imagination was playing tricks on him, shaking his head. He wondered how strong the alcohol was that they were consuming.

“That’s Riley.” Liam confirmed Maxwell’s question. He felt as if his heart had stopped. She was still as beautiful as he remembered.

“Who’s Riley?” Drake asked his two friends who were hypnotised- waving his arms in front of them they both ignored his frantic hand gestures- staring with their jaws agape. As he couldn’t get their attention he decided to sit back sipping the brown liquid.

Leo walked back over to the group, holding the ice to his nose. Feeling like he was lacking in masculinity- he was wondering where she learnt to throw a punch like that.

“I asked her for a dance but she refused. Just said she was the waitress. But I could imagine her straddling me. I swear she’s got hotter these last five years. That ass, those tits.” Liam rolled his eyes back, frustrated with Leo for dragging them there. Did he know she was back? Did he know she worked here? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t stop admiring her even though she was providing him with looks that could kill.

*****

“Riley honey. Could you go and serve the bachelor party over there please. Keep them entertained. We will get big bucks...”

“I... I can’t. I know them. Well I know three of them. Can’t Mercedes do it instead? Please?”

“Riley please baby. If you know them it’ll be so much easier. They will give us a good reputation, just flirt with them then get on the pole. You’ll make a good cut on your second night, it’ll boost your confidence.” Sighing, she knew she had to do it keep a roof over her head.

Walking over to them she took a bottle of scotch, not knowing who the mystery brown haired man - but she was intrigued to find out. Gulping, she placed the bottle on the table. Just imagine it’s someone else- she kept reminding herself.

“Blossom!” Maxwell jumped up like an excited puppy.

“Hey Maxi, long time no see. Sit down!”

Riley pushed him back to his seat, before straddling him. “Just play along please, my manager is watching....Oh my god Max! Seriously?”

“Well you are sat on my cock! I can’t help it Ri. What are you doing back anyway? You just went poof.”

“My gran passed away last month and I was homesick.”

“I’m sorry Riley.” Ignoring Liam’s sympathy, she brushed past him and moved on to Leo’s chair with him.

“Well hello baby. Who feels better, me or Max?” Smirking at her, he knew he was pushing his luck. Holding her tightly, he had probably missed her the most. They were close friends, since he had split up with Madeleine they began to have this flirty banter.

“Well Max is like my brother, so I’d say you. Sorry not sorry Max.”

“Ah don’t worry about me. The feelings mutual. This is Drake by the way. He’s the newest member of the wolf pack. Don’t worry he doesn’t bite.” Maxwell impersonated a wolf, Drake couldn’t believe the group of people he hung out with; one was a melancholy depressed millionaire, one was a child still and the other was just a kinky so and so.

“Hi Drake. I’m Riley.” Drakes eyes widened as she sat on his lap. Unable to prevent his unexpected erection, he felt embarrassed. “I’m so sorry.” “Don’t be sorry. You’re blushing babe.” Riley kissed him on the cheek, if it was possible to blush anymore he would be looking sunburnt.

Getting on the pole, she laughed secretly at Liam’s disheartened expression that she didn’t get closer to him. After hearing different men whistle at her, he couldn’t cope seeing men gawk at her- enough of this. Abruptly standing up he dragged her off the pole much to the disappointment of the other punters- her managers saw the commotion and headed straight over with security. The main rule was that no client could touch the staff. Riley waved them away explaining it was okay- a misunderstanding.

“Do not ever touch me again Liam! Do you understand?”

“How could you degrade yourself like this? You’re acting like some whore!” Raising her hand, the slap was that loud that it echoed throughout the room- the lingering sting on his face, made him rethink about what his mouth had just spat at her. Clutching his face, his eyes began watering. I deserved that.

“I’m a whore am I? Seriously! Look in the mirror arsehole!”

[multific]

The Art of Jealousy

Harrison Osterfield x Reader

Summary: Harrison has everything he always wanted. A job, he is passionate about, a home, a car and the perfect family. But then, why was it like something’s missing from his life?

 Jealousy is sometimes not a bad thing. It can help you move forward and be the best of yourself. It can help you achieve something or become someone you always wanted to be and that is the art of it.

Harrison was never the envious type.

But seeing as his friend, Tom, had a perfect life. He couldn’t help but feel jealous.

Seeing Tom in a happy relationship, successful at acting, loaded with money. Sure, he was proud of his friend and completely supported him, but deep down, when it was only him in a room, Harrison could admit it to himself, he wanted what Tom had. But his own way. He didn’t want his friend’s career or girl, he wanted and wished to find his own happiness. And that is how he knew, that his jealousy was the healthy kind.

Because, there is such a thing. Admiring someone’s life or attitude and wishing to find your own. He didn’t want to change places with Tom, oh no. Harrison was happy to be the blue eyed British boy.

After about a year, his career started to grow and he made a lot of friends and gained many fans. The number of Instagram followers he had was a proof for that.

He found a new apartment for himself and even bought a new car. It wasn’t something big or luxurious, but it was his.

He told himself and his family that he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the moment.

But sometimes things come when you least expect them.

Harrison and his family was on a vacation in Brazil. They went to a beautiful beach and it had a really nice restaurant near to it. At firsts he didn’t notice you. He was taking pictures and photos for his Instagram story when he heard his sister call for him, he saw you. Sitting there alone with a cocktail in front of you.  

He only saw you for a second, but he felt like something in him got switched on.

He couldn’t quite tell what is was.

Harrison had a great lunch with his family, and when they left, he couldn’t find you. It was a big disappointment for him.

For the next few days, he tried to find you, but he couldn’t.

Brazil had a lot of beautiful women to offer, yet, his mind was on you.

Almost a whole year passed. Harrison nearly completely forgot about you. Nearly.

Sure, he had girl here and there. But something in him still wanted you.

It was strange. He never talked to you, not even one word, yet he found himself thinking about you.

***

Harrison was doing some shopping. His sister’s birthday was coming up, so he wanted something nice for her. He decided that a woman can never have enough shoes.

He went to a store and even asked his Instagram followers to which one he should get. His followers helped him out and in the end he bought a nice pair for his sister.

When he was done with the present, he went into another store to buy some shirts for himself.

As he was looking at the different shirts, he saw a girl in the corner of his eye. He didn’t pay much attention to her, he assumed she was shopping for a friend or boyfriend, it was common at those stores anyway.

He found two shirts for himself, and the girl was still looking at the shirts, when Harrison looked at her, he immediately recognized her.

It was you.

The beauty he saw in Brazil and cannot forget since.

You were looking at two shirts, trying to decide which one to buy, when a guy came up to you.

“Umm. I think this one is better.” he said. As he pointed at the black shirt that had a car silhouette on it. You looked at him, to thank him for helping.

“It’s you!” you suddenly said. You smiled at him, and that made his heart skip a beat, it was beautiful.

“Me?” he asked back, very very confused. At first he thought you’ll be just another girl who recognised him as being Tom Holland’s best friend.

“Yeah! I saw you when I was on vacation. I also saw you on Catch 22, your performance was amazing!” the shine in your eyes took his breath, he was also thrilled that you recognized him from his vacation, this way, he didn’t feel so stupid for thinking about you for so long.

“Thank you very much!” finally someone recognized him for his work.

“So, you say, this is better?” you asked as you held the shirt in your left hand, up.

“Yeah, your boyfriend will love it.”

“Thank you, but it’s for me.”

Harrison didn’t know what to say, he was confused, again.

“I like to sleep in big shirts, and since I do NOT have a boyfriend, I buy it for myself.” you explained. You emphasized the word, ‘not’ secretly hoping that he had the same interest in you as you did in him.

“I see. Sorry that I interrupted you in your shopping.”

“No problem. I don’t really enjoy shopping alone anyways.”

“Great! So, you don’t mind if I… join you?” he asked, as he scratched the back of his head.

“Absolutely not!”

The rest of the day felt like a first date. The two of you bought stuff for yourselves then you had dinner at a small place, you talked a lot until your throat felt dry.

At the end of the day, he walked you home, more like drove you, which impressed you, you do have a car, but the fact that he not only was nice, kind, devilishly handsome with incredible blue eyes but a gentleman as well, took your mind away.

“Thank you for today, Harrison.”

“No, thank you. I had an awesome day.” he replied, now you were saying your goodbye’s in front of your home.

“I had too. Call me later, will you?”

“I sure will.” and with that he turned around to leave, so did you.

But something in you made you turn back and run to him. That empty feeling was in Harrison as well.

“Harrison!” you yelled and he turned just in time for you to place a sweet kiss on his cheek.

“Good night.” you said and with another sweet smile, you went back.

“Good night.” Harrison whispered after you, but he was the only one that heard it.

As he went back and sat in his car, he held his check that you kissed with a smile on his face. As he stared at your phone number in his phone, that was the moment he realized. How foolish he was for feeling the way he did towards his friend.

So, as he arrived home, he prioritised two things.

One, he wrote a text to you saying that he arrived home and wishes to see you again. And two, he called his best friend to tell him the news.

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[onyour-right]

I just finished with season 2 of The Dragon Prince and lemme tell you, I was not expecting half the shit that happened.

- Ezran. My sweet baby boy. My strong, caring baby King. I love him, he’s utterly precious and I’m so proud of the person he’s becoming. He’s just such a gift and it was nice to see his interaction with the older characters, it just reinstated how much of a lovable character he is that everybody can’t help but to adore him. His close bond with Zym is the sweetest thing ever, and at the end when he decided to go back my heart was actually breaking at Zym’s reaction. But I’m just so glad that even though they’re not physically with each other they both still have that mental connection. I think it’ll be incredibly useful in the future if a war does start. Also, I know we only saw a little bit of Ezran with Corvus but their dynamic already kills me and I can’t wait to see where it goes next season. I love Corvus so much. Ok.

- Callum. I really enjoyed the journey that he went on this season; how he knew deep in his heart that magic was what he was called to do and so never gave up from that. I also found it so touching how he recited the words King Harrow had used when his mother had died, to try and explain it to Ezran :’) It was the sweetest. I also enjoyed his scenes with Claudia and how loyal he was to her friendship, but not blindly loyal that he wasn’t at least partly listening to what Rayla was saying. I’m excited to see where he goes from here.

- Rayla. My little sarcastic warrior daughter. I love her? How protective she is of BOTH boys even though it’s quite clear she’s crushing on Callum. I thought it was really sweet how even though she didn’t agree with the fact that Callum had used dark magic, she was still right there making sure he was okay and trying to reassure him. (Kinda reminded me of king Harrow and Queen Sarai - WINK WINK). I can’t wait to see her journey next season.

- Claudia and Soren. Listen. I was really conflicted with these two during this season, I didn’t know whether I could fully trust them not to carry out their mission. Soren also really annoyed me with his whole “act first, think later” motto, which ended up fucking him over. However I did enjoy seeing their struggle with it, because it’s clear they both genuinely are fond of the princes and don’t want any harm to come to them, but at the same time they want to impress their dad. Even after Soren reveals what his dad told him to do Claudia still doesn’t quite believe it, which I think is very interesting considering that her father was the one who basically told her to prioritise the egg over her own brother’s life. They both failed in their mission. It’s complicated. I’m still rooting for them to break away from the evilness that is their father. I’m also wondering whether Soren is completely healed now or if it’ll have some effects they didn’t think about? Or will Claudia have to keep on killing? If so, will she?

- Zym! My good boy, my precious boy. I’ve only had him for a few hours but if anything ever happened to him I’d kill everyone and then myself. He is such a sweetheart. Him listening to Ezran and trying to block out the sun, whew, I loved to see it. I just... I just want one. My reaction to him is legit the same as Claudia’s when she first saw him. He’s just too adorable. I’m interested in seeing what will happen now that he’s going to be reunited with his mother. Will it be a good reunion or nah?

- Queen Sarai. Goddamn. It’s criminal that we can’t see more of her, but in all the scenes we did see of her I just fell so completely in love. She’s badass, brave, soft, so caring, such a great mother! Ughhh, her death was so heartbreaking. I loved seeing the relationship she had with King Harrow (when they were fighting and the guards were placing bets - I just loved it. It spoke so much of their relationship and the type of atmosphere they created.)

- Mage Lujanne. What I really love about this show is that it portrays women of all ages as strong, powerful women and it doesn’t at all feel forced. Lujanne had me CACKLING. That line about her 3 husbands. Yo. Amazing. A woman after my own heart tbh. When she was giving Rayla advice but was so bad at it, I just had to laugh. She’s goofy but she’s not one to be played around with and I respect her for it. I hope we see more of her next season as well.

- Queen Aanya. YAAAAAS. That wit. The strength of her character. She reminds me so much of Lyanna Mormont because she doesn’t take any shit from anyone. She can damn right hold her own so if people are gonna come at her they better come correct and with FACTS @ Viren. What was it she said? “I’m a crown without an adult, and you’re an adult without a crown” LISTEENNNNNN. You better tell him Aanya, he ain’t shit!!!

- Aaravos.... Heh. HOW DARE HIS VOICE BE THAT DEEP AND THAT RICH. HOW DARE HE BE SO GOOD LOOKING AND SO MYSTERIOUS. HOW DARE HE LOOK SO DELICIOUS. “How may I serve you?” How about you [redacted] in my [redacted] and [redacted] [redacted]. The thing is I know he’s shady and he most likely will fuck everything up, but I really just enjoy watching him so much. He plays with us the audience and draws us into him and I just.... whew.

- Lord Viren. He can be offed now please. I’m tired of him. No wonder his “best friend” dumped him, his wife left him, people don’t wanna listen to him. Does he have good intentions? Hard to tell. He’s going about everything the wrong way. Queen Sarai gave her life to save him, and he honours both her and King Harrow by trying to have their sons killed??? Really??? I ain’t with it.

Anyways. Season 2 was dope. I loved TDP even more if that’s possible? I’m excited for season 3. I hope we get Runaan back because I really miss my husband. Also, more Captain Amaya because the lack of her was just sad. I also just wanna add, because I can’t not add my other good boy, but Bait is also the purest thing and I’ll defend him until the end <3 that is all.

[patheticphallacy]

This is the first in my Graphic Reading Wrap Up series.

I read enough manga, comics and graphic novels that I figured I’d be better off doing separate wrap ups so I don’t find myself having to cram a shit ton into my reading wrap ups every month. I want to spend more time actually talking about what I read, especially graphic fiction/non-fiction, which I get through so much of that I feel like I don’t spend enough time explaining my thoughts.

If you would like longer reviews of anything I talk about in this post, let me know. I have some P L A N S for Christmas blogging to make up for what will be a smaller November upload month.

#1 is my first wrap up after my September wrap up, if you want to see what else I’ve read.

Assassination Classroom Volume 5 by Yusei Matsui

I’m very fond of this series, and the growth of its characters. The prioritisation of developing the students and their self esteem is so incredible: rather than beating his students down, Korosensei works them towards improvement, and it’s interesting seeing so many layers of characters who aren’t strictly good or evil. This volume has the end of the baseball arc, a fight against the new PE teacher, and the next arc is another assassination attempt on Korosensei, which is exciting.

Check, Please! Book 1: #Hockey by Ngozi Ukazu

I’ve been reading this webcomic since 2016, so finally being able to pick up this volume now I have money has been a long time coming. I hold every character deep in my heart and I know pretty much every chapter/episode like the back of my hand, so reading this was more like revisiting an old friend than something new. I HIIIIGHLY recommend this webcomic, and I will only discuss it with you if you also rate it 5 stars and love it unconditionally!

The Adventure Zone: Murder on the Rockport Limited by the McElroy’s (especially Clint) and Carey Pietsch

This is my favourite arc in the podcast, so I was expecting to love it more than I did. It feels like some of the humour isn’t translated as well over to these graphic novels, but I think changes made are important to fit the format. I think this works well for people who are fans of the podcast, but I’d definitely recommend the podcast first for other people, just to understand the characterisation and the D&D self-inserts Griffin has. But I will say…. Angus McDonald is still my baby boy and I love him.

Momo to Manji Volume 1 and 2 by Sawa Sakura

A very heavy series, while still being cute. Momo to Manji is set during the Edo Period and follows a male prostitute who is taken in by another man after growing too old to still serve. It has confusing moments, and has very dark material– some violence, obviously prostitution, as well as incest and very young characters having sex with adults– but the relationship between the two main characters is very endearing, and I really grew to care about Momo especially.

Welcome to Wanderland #4 by Jackie Ball (not pictured)

Finally got to read issue 4! A very quick and fantastical series, and I think the new artist did a great job helping finish up a series that was very dear to the hearts of the writer and the original artist. I was satisfied with this conclusion and I think I’ll end up re-reading it, maybe next year, just to experience the full story in all its glory.

Fragments of Horror by Junji Ito

This is a solid 3 star collection. None of the stories really lingered with me other than Gentle Goodbye, which is now one of my favourite short stories. It’s a beautiful and incredibly moving story for me, even if that wasn’t Ito’s original intention when writing it as a horror story. There’s something to be said about generational horror and ghosts, and what family means to different individuals.

Dissolving Classroom by Junji Ito

My new favourite Junji Ito manga! There’s a focus on body horror, as there always is, but this felt more… fun. Chizumi is a nightmare child, I think she’s so great and definitely up there with my favourite children in horror now. I know the ending will be hit or miss with other people, but it’s not like Uzumaki, where I waited 600 pages to be disappointed at the end.

The Ancient Magus’ Bride Volume 1, 2 & 3 by Kore Yamazaki

A series I’m very much in the middle about. I’m enjoying the fantastical elements, but the setting and time period are so confusing to wrap my head around in terms of modernity. It very much reminds me of Lore Olympus in that regard, but that webcomic is more straightforward in explaining, so I just don’t know with this manga. There’s also something stopping me for completely loving the characters. I’m not a fan of age-gap romances that don’t spell out what’s going on: is this romantic, or is it purely platonic? If I don’t know where I’m supposed to stand, I can’t feel at ease reading it.

The Avant-Guards #7 & #8 by Carly Usdin

This series is so good! Great cast of characters who are believable in their love for one another and their basketball playing. There’s a genuine wholesomeness to this series that really reminds me of Check, Please! and Haikyuu!!. What is it with sports stories and exclamation marks? Anyway, I highly recommend this series, I’m glad it’s been longer running than Usdin’s other stories. Also, did you see the Heavy Vinyl graphic novel announcement? SICK.

Lovely Complex Volume 2 by Aya Nakahara

This series is getting better by volume. It definitely draws on cliches and tropes of the genre, but I really enjoy that, and I’m still attached to the characters and the slow burn complexity of the feelings between the two leads. It’s easy reading where the conflicts never linger and isn’t at all difficult to get through, which is definitely something I need more of in my reading.

Parasyte Volume 1 by Hitoshi Iwaaki

Meh. For some reason, I was really expecting to love this– a dude learning to live with a parasite who controls his arm is a great premise– but there was something about the writing that stopped me from feeling compelled. I can’t really feel any risk, and that’s something I like in my horror. The body horror is also not too great, which was one of the selling points for me. Sad! Not sure if I’ll carry on with this series, honestly.

Out of Skin  by Emily Carroll

Another freaky short story from Emily Carroll, who honestly does no wrong in my eyes. Amazing art– character design, colour palette, all of it, amazing– and the eerie story at its heart. I love Emily Carroll’s focus on more feminine voices and stories, it never feels exploitative of women and draws on violence towards women without feeling nasty or targeted.

Teen Dog by Jake Lawrence

The ULTIMATE graphic novel. Literally, one of my all time favourites. It’s the perfect balance of silly and existential, and I genuinely love every moment of reading this. It was my second read through and I just smiled the whole time.

Are you a fan of this new recapping format? I found it a lot more easy to only talk about manga/comics/graphic novels, and doing this means I don’t put myself under pressure to get wrap ups out at the same time every month and have about 40 things to get through in one go!

I’d love some recommendations in the comments.

If you liked this post, consider buying me a coffee? Ko-Fi. 

Goodreads|Twitter|Instagram|Letterboxd

Graphic Reading Wrap Up #1 This is the first in my Graphic Reading Wrap Up series. I read enough manga, comics and graphic novels that I figured I'd be better off doing separate wrap ups so I don't find myself having to cram a shit ton into my reading wrap ups every month.

[throwrocksatboys]

Can you tell me more about Abbey Johnson? How is she lying?

I’m happy to answer this, but I do want to premise this post with a brief message. Not necessarily to anon, but to the others who will inevitably see this: I am not interested in discussing the merits of abortions. I’m just not. Regardless of your stance, Abby Johnson is not someone you want as the face of your argument or your organization. She has absolutely no credibility. Using her the poster child of the anti choice movement is an uneducated decision. There are far better people out there.

Here are some good links that I feel explain the holes in her story quite well.

Her “memoir” turned movie is full of lies and myths. The one that personally bothers me the most is that Planned Parenthood is in the business of selling abortions. Planned Parenthod does so much more than abortion. In fact, abortions make up 3.4% of everything they do. This graphic is a good breakdown of what they do.

Please look at that number of birth control and contraceptive patients. That’s over 2.6 million women who had unwanted pregnancies prevented. If they were really in the business of “selling abortions” they wouldn’t offer up contraceptives.

There’s a lot of controversy around her being on the track of being fired. (She did quit and no one disputes this.) What I find her interesting, is that her long time friend, who also worked at Planned Parenthood and had recently been fired due to her and Abby’s conduct, even backs up Planned Parenthood and calls Abby’s story “bullshit”. Her friend has absolutely no reason to lie. Abby has lot$ of rea$on$ to lie.

And of course there’s the story of “how she saw the light”. It’s a story that is just too perfect and too on the nose for these people. She claims she witnessed a surgical abortion on a black woman with a 13wk fetus. She was watching via ultrasound as the fetus “fought for its life” and squirmed away from the medical tube. Except records show none of that is true. Not only were no surgical abortions performed on the day she claims any of this happened, but the only black woman who was there, had a 6wk embryo. Quite different.

She originally gave a very different reason for leaving, saying they accused her of “slipping” on her job performance. She was so pissed, because she felt she wasn’t being valued at a job that she had prioritised over her friends and family.

She makes others claims as well, that are sourced in the above links, that are just ridiculous. She says the clinic where she worked started providing abortion pills so she could “sell” more abortions when in fact the pills were in response to patient demand.

Then there’s her bullshit propaganda movie. Much like God’s Not Dead, all the “good” Christians are perfect people who are just so great and amazing. While all the others are caricatures of horrible, evil people with no souls or compassion. I cannot take anything you say seriously when you go out of your way to depict people this way. There’s just no need for it.

[trashchatter]

Feel-ugly-day

Hey WWW,

You know those days where you can acknowledge that you’re not utterly gross looking and that you have good features but for some reason can’t seem to make yourself feel good? Its been one of those days. Normally on these days I’d take some cute photos of myself and upload them onto instagram (healthy coping mechanism I know, we stan relying on external validation), but its two days before my final exam you know a bitch don’t have time to do that right now. Gotta prioritise learning about the neuroanatomy of the brain and how it’s abnormalities and dysfunction of the neural circuitry can lead to autism spectrum disorder and schizophrenia as well as how the cochlea’s physiology and anatomy aids hearing and distinction of noises!!!!! (I love my degree i love my degree i love my degree i love my degree...)

I have so many pretty people I’m friends with and pretty people I know, SA being one, TA being another, RM being one more (if you’re not sick of me listing the initials of people you don’t and never will know), and sometimes they make me feel hella insecure. They’re all so beautiful and I’m here like Alice Average or some shit. This sounds like a classic 20-something year old millennial going on about how she’s not blessed to the high heavens with good looks, but I promise you, I’m just trying to contextualise how I’m feeling for you guys.

I have a huge weakness in looking for external validation from people. Before I got into the relationship I was in now, I either relied on friends, family or hookups in order to provide me with the validation I was seeking. However, now I’m with such a wonderful man who treats me honestly better than I probably deserve, I kinda have to stop looking in those places for validation. It’s really weird because I see my friends flirting with guys and girls and I feel jealous. Not because I want to be hooking up with people. No, in short, hookup sex is never good sex. However, I’m jealous that they are receiving attention. Being told through social and verbal queues that they are attractive, funny, interesting etc. I get this feeling because of my inability to self-validate. Now here’s the thing, this does not correlate at all to my feelings towards my relationship. I love the man I’m with, and I think he’s amazing. He has done so much for me and continues to do so much for me. He is the most supportive, loving and caring individual I’ve ever met and he fills my life with so much positivity and joy. No, this issue is completely separate. I have tried explaining this to him on multiple occasions and he doesn’t get it. It upsets him and frustrates him that he can’t provide all the validation I need to feel good about myself. But, unfortunately, as I’m sure most of you will know unless you can self-validate, one person is never going to be enough to produce all the validation you need to feel positive about yourself (take a shot for every time I use the word validate, S lmao maybe you should use this as a drinking game tomorrow with P).

But, for him, I want to learn how to love myself and accept myself. I’ve come so far from where I was when I was younger, and I want to continue that process of self-improvement.

I am a tall, beautiful, powerful woman. I am attractive, I am interesting, I am funny and I am worthy. I do not need other people to tell me I am attractive in order to feel so. I am stylish, I wear clothes that make me feel good. I had big, brown eyes and an infectious goofy smile. I have a weird sense of humour that makes everyone laugh. I have big lips and I do not need to fake tan to make myself look good. I am toned, I am strong, I am lean. I do not need to lose weight, I do not need to have surgery. My small boobs are great, my long, skinny fingers are beautiful, my legs look fucking great in heels. I am beautiful the way I am. I look interesting and I am proud. I am a fucking boss.

I think, previously before I decided to utilise this blog as a positive space for me to process how I’m feeling, I would have ranted on and on about how I ugly I felt. I’m not going to do that today. I really want to, but I’m not. For some reason, I feel like this process is going to leave me unsatisfied in terms of internal validation, but I’m hoping the more and more I do it, the better I get at it and the more satisfied I become from this process.

I hope you’re all having a wonderful day, Emily xx

P.s. please do not think that because of the descriptions I used of my physical appearance do I think that other people with features very different to mine aren’t also beautiful. In fact, one of the reasons I find it so hard to self validate is because many of the women I look up to as beautiful or attractive have very different aesthetics of their own that are miles away from me. I am not going to put myself down to make other people feel better by saying different aesthetics are superior to mine because I feel like that is partially how I learnt to feel so ugly. However, I am also not going to sit back and say that my physical characteristics are superior to anyone else’s either. I’m not gonna sit back and list all the things I find beautiful because then that would make already long-ass textpost miles fucking long. Plus I think a major part of being attractive or beautiful is through how you convey and carry yourself and what kind of person you are. So please don’t let what I say have a negative impact on how you view yourself. Love u all <33

[butsomeofusarelookingatthestars]

Classified: Part 1

Luke is still adjusting to life in the BAU when a familiar face from the past joins the team as their Communications Liaison. Last time he saw her they were in the Iraqi desert on a highly confidential mission. Some ghosts are meant to stay buried…

Masterlist (x)

So, here’s the first chapter of Classified. It’s mostly just setting the scene and kickstarting the storyline. It’s very different to In Your Footsteps, but I can promise even more excitement, angst and fluff! I hope you enjoy reading it and please let me know what you think!

Luke sighed heavily, rubbing his temples as his eyes attempted to focus on the ME report clutched in his hands. Exhaustion was beginning to set in following a tiresome day of filing paperwork. The rest of the team had filtered out earlier, exploiting the lack of active fieldwork to return home to their loved ones earlier than usual.

It was moments like this that reminded him of the lack of intimacy in his own personal life. Whilst JJ, Rossi and Matt rushed home to spend time with their families and Tara, Spencer and Garcia had plans to attend to, he remained sat alone in the bullpen. Luke had always been dedicated to his job, willing to put in the extra hours and effort in order to do the best he could. But, there were times when he wondered if he was missing out on something.

After all, the only ‘person’ he had to return home to was Roxy.

He had always been fiercely independent. That quality had ensured that he survived the 75th Ranger Regiment. It came naturally for him to prioritise his duties above all else. The only true commitment he had ever made was to the army and FBI.

Even then his BAU colleagues were largely unaware of his own history. Trust didn’t come easily to Luke, but the thing that truly held him back from confiding in his colleagues was his own embarrassment. There were certain things that were too difficult to talk about and he almost wished he could forget the person he used to be.

However, letting go of the past was never easy.

He glanced over at Prentiss’ office, frowning slightly as he noticed the blinds were closed. She was his only other colleague that remained in the BAU tonight. She must have still been going through the interviews she had conducted earlier for the role of communications liaison. A smile played on his lips at the thought of a new addition to the team. Garcia would finally have to ditch his unsavoury nickname.

The whole team had agreed with Prentiss’ decision to introduce an official liaison to the BAU. They had all noticed the increasing strain their Unit Chief had been under recently, the sheer amount of paperwork dominating much of her schedule. Given their recent run-in with Mr Scratch, and the FBI brass, it had been decided that it would be to the benefit of everyone if they welcomed a communications liaison.

Garcia had been surprisingly pleased by the news, glad to have the opportunity to focus more on her skills as an analyst. She had been through a rough time recently, even threatening to quit the unit following Reid’s ordeal, so they all agreed that she deserved a little bit of relief.

Luke gazed at his boss’ office thoughtfully, wondering if she had made a decision on the potential recruits yet. Prentiss had spent all week interviewing, pouring over applications and occasionally sharing her opinion with them.

However, she still seemed uncertain on whether she had found the ‘one’. It was a crucial role and, most importantly, the candidate had to be able to be a part of the closely-bonded team’s dynamics. The ideal person was difficult to find.

He was too caught up in his wandering thoughts to notice the two sets of footsteps approaching his desk.

“Working late Alvez?” Emily commented teasingly, biting back a smile of pride as she observed him working diligently. All the support her team had given her since she had become Unit Chief meant more than she could possibly ever explain.

Luke hummed softly in response, attempting to refocus on the coroner’s report he still held tightly in his hands. If he was going to spend late nights working in the office, he was going to make it count. His keen concentration meant that he didn’t even notice the person accompanying his boss.

“Luke, I would like you to meet our new Communications Liaison. This is Agent Y/N Y/L/N.”

Luke glanced up in surprise at the familiar name, his eyes widening as they fell on the unmistakable figure stood in front of him. His grip on his pen slipped in shock as his heart thundered rapidly against his chest. The knowing smile playing on your lips made him flush slightly. You definitely looked different to the last time he had seen you.

Of course, people tended to look fairly different in the middle of warzone.

He could almost hear the loud chopping of the helicopters as they circled around the military base, the dusty sand blowing in his face as you laughed softly, raising a hand to block the bright beams of sunlight from your eyes.

Luke had never expected to see you again after Iraq. The nature of your mission had been strictly classified. It had been made perfectly clear to all participants that the ghosts of the past were to remain buried in the desert sand.

But, here you were stood in front of him as if nothing had ever happened.

Suddenly, he noticed that he had been staring at you intently for the past minute without saying a word. He had to try better if he was going to hide his recognition from the rest of the team. Emily probably already suspected something was up – gazing curiously at his shocked expression.

Undoubtedly, he looked like a complete moron.

He nodded tersely, shaking himself out of his state of confusion, as he reached forward to grasp your hand firmly.

“It’s nice to meet you Agent Y/L/N.”

His heart fluttered excitedly as your familiar eyes met his intense gaze. He never could have forgotten you. The knowing smile on your lips told him that you knew exactly what was on his mind.

“Agent Alvez, it’s a pleasure. Agent Prentiss has already told me a lot about you…about all of you.”

The moment reminded him of the first time he had met you...

“Alvez, this is Agent Y/N Y/L/N from Washington’s Joint Terrorism Task Force.”

Luke glanced up, politely inclining his head towards the young woman stood beside his superior. It wasn’t often that their regiment received visitors, especially female ones. However, a consensus had been reached that in order to complete their mission they needed help. You were the best chance they had at achieving success.

“Welcome to the Sandbox Agent Y/L/N.”

A small smile played on your lips.

“It’s good to be here…Ranger Alvez.”

A loud ringing suddenly disturbed his reminiscing, he instantly dropped your hand that he had only just realised that he had been holding for far too long.

Prentiss eyed him suspiciously, curious as to the reason behind his strange behaviour.

“If you’ll excuse me, I’ll see you tomorrow Agent Y/L/N. Welcome to the BAU.” She told you sincerely, flashing you a supportive smile as she answered her phone.

Both you and Luke waited patiently until she had disappeared into her office, the tension building during the growing silence. He glanced nervously around the deserted bullpen, before even daring to ask the question on his mind.

“What are you doing here?”

You bit back a smile, fairly amused by his fretting. It was so different from the Luke you had once known. However, things had changed and he clearly had to. His caution was understandably surrounding the sensitive nature of your history. Under no circumstances could anyone possibly discover your secrets.

It would be difficult hiding the truth from a group of profilers, but you had always been good at hiding things. Luke’s determined nature could also help to conceal his inner turmoil. There was no reason to assume that the past would be unearthed.

“Aren’t you pleased to me?” You asked him curiously, grinning smugly as he tried to bite back a smile.

“Come on Y/N.” He scoffed good-humouredly, rolling his eyes at your joke.

At least, it seemed as if the playful nature of your relationship hadn’t changed.

“I didn’t even know you were here Luke.” You confessed, laughing softly as you perched yourself against his desk. “Look at you now, SSA Alvez with the Behavioural Analysis Unit.”

You smiled softly at him as his warm brown eyes surveyed you intently.

“You were the one that inspired me.” He murmured quietly, folding his arms across his chest protectively as he shifted slightly.  

It was true. You had been the one that had encouraged him to join the FBI following his discharge – showing him that there was another way he could serve his country and the people in it. Although neither of you had been able to keep in touch given the importance of the mission you had been involved in Iraq, he had always wondered what you would make of him becoming an agent.

His heart fluttered excitedly as you gently patted his arm, gazing up at him as you attempted to ease his concerns.

“Don’t worry Luke. No one knows about our past and they never will.”  You reassured him, securing your bag onto your shoulder as you flashed him an encouraging smile.

His eyes followed you curiously as you began to walk towards the glass doors.

“I hope you’re right Y/N.”

Luke sighed heavily as he continued to toss and turn in his constricting bedsheets. Sleep wasn’t going to come easily, the memories of the past swirling around in his mind almost ensured a restless night ahead.

He couldn’t help but remember the first true exchange you had shared.

“You aren’t what I was expecting.”

Your lips curved upwards into a knowing smile. It was inevitable that the military’s judgement of you was that you didn’t belong in Iraq. There weren’t many other women here – certainly not in the 75th Ranger Regiment.

But, years of working in the FBI Counterterrorism Division and serving on Washington’s Joint Terrorism Task Force weren’t about to be wasted. You were needed here.

Given the unexpected type of warfare the army was now engaged in, intelligence training was an asset they required. Your job was to assist US military and intelligence operatives both in Washington and Iraq…even if they were reluctant to accept it.

“I tend to surprise people.” You replied quietly, your eyes remaining fixed upon the exquisite landscape.

All of the military tents, tanks, weapons and heavily defended compound walls couldn’t disguise the unique beauty of your surroundings. The sun’s dazzling rays beamed down, illuminating the skyline with bright beams of magnificent colour. The sky seemed to glimmer with streaks of vivid yellow, orange and red.

Luke’s soft chuckle made you glance up at him in surprise. A slight grin played on his lips as he continued to examine the impressive sunset, seemingly debating whether or not to divulge his next words to you.

“The military doesn’t really like surprises.”

A soft smile graced your face as you turned to face him. “We’ll see.”

Those were the only words you left him with before you walked back towards the command tent. Luke’s mouth twitched into a small smile as his eyes followed your retreating figure disappear into the hectic camp.

If it were at all possible, your arrival had made his world even more unpredictable…and that was exactly how he liked it.

Luke smiled to himself as he realised that you always seemed to bring excitement to his life. Perhaps he wasn’t sure what the future held, but he knew one thing for certain.

Your past was strictly classified.

TAG LIST:

@pacificst​, @wandressfox, @aiikaa, @delnquents, @side-angel, @seekerofmagnificentmysteries, @criminal-navy-writings, @lunarsolange, @teatimewithtiya, @kissingwintergoodbye, @miss-cap21, @myhogwartslibrary, @spencer-puppies-and-stuff, @samwinchxtr, @sociallyakwardb, @justinbm1, @shaelyn102, @jessiedangerous, @rubenlosthischeeks, @allyp1023, @captainreid

[atopearth]

Final Fantasy VII Remake Part 4 - The Intervention of Fate (Ch 15-18) + Overall Review

Seeing the destruction of Sector 7 alongside the sunset was really beautifully saddening. It’s devastating for Tifa and Barret to have to look over it all knowing that their actions caused this. Even if Shinra framed them for it, even if Shinra were the bad guys who killed all these people and everyone’s homes, there’s no doubt that what Tifa and Barret did ended up pushing them into doing this, and it’s hard to have to carry such a burden. On another note, I never thought I would complain about this because I loved the shipping fanservice in the beginning, but can we please calm down with the amount of times Cloud has to hold and save Tifa in some way?! Yes, I like Tifa too, but I’m not sure if there was a battle or scene where Cloud did not save Tifa/Aerith or hold their hand or something. Like yes it’s nice to see, but it’s honestly too much, I’m dying. I feel like a lot of the time it’s pushing the romance more than anything and it kills me because the original prioritised telling the story. And honestly, if you think about it, it’s kinda weird, they make it seem like Tifa and Cloud are really close friends who haven’t seen each other in a long time, but in reality they’re practically strangers in a sense because when they were children, Tifa never really thought much of him, the only time something about Cloud resonated with her was when he told her he was leaving to go become a SOLDIER and probably when he came to her rescue (fulfilling their promise) when Sephiroth slashed her. And it was only after she received letters from Cloud after he joined Shinra that she began to notice him more, so honestly, if we’re to be picky, this was supposed to be a more awkward period between Cloud and Tifa because Tifa liked and cared about him, but she didn’t know how to show it properly since Cloud always liked her but she never really cared. Whereas for Cloud, his memories are jumbled, so he’s awkward with her for a different reason lol. Anyway, I think I would have just liked more tension between their relationship? Because right now, it just feels like everyone loves Cloud because he’s cold but soft on the inside, so he’s a great cinnamon roll or whatever, but it really doesn’t show the depth to their characters and their relationships. I’m starting to think this remake is really just fanservice for old FFVII fans rather than a proper retelling. I mean, I’ll still like it, but it’s just a bit sad.

Well, Shinra Company is fancy. Tifa jumping on the lights to get the Shinra keycard was interesting but honestly tedious, I think I’ve had enough of these tbh lol. Anyway, I was going to run up the stairs in this remake, but then I realised the camera was making me feel sick so I just went back to what I did in the original; bust in the front door and go on the elevator lol. Although I have to say, I honestly enjoyed the original more where it had more of the feel where we’re busting in from the front door haha. That memorial museum was pretty, but honestly boring lol. Like, whyyyy is there so much maintenance going on?! I seriously thought they did a full on museum tour and I was like, that’s pretty cool, but no, I learnt basically nothing, sigh. Maybe that VR movie was cool to see, especially since it kinda explains that Ancients were the ones who discovered Mako energy and helped create materia, and I guess the graphics were pretty. But I think it felt like such a spoiler to show Sephiroth walking in the Shinra building, it just doesn’t really build any tension. I really only wanted to see the blood trail lol. Anyway, Hart is someone I don’t remember at all so I assume he’s a new character? Or is he that guy who you had to decipher those codes to or something? Haha. But anyway, I guess if he’s been changing the security camera feeds then does that mean Cloud and them won’t get locked up in a cell? Okay, the Shinra building was so… uneventful and boring lol. Like, I wasn’t exactly looking for a replica but I honestly thought it would be more…fun? It was legit so boring and so not memorable compared to the original. No code deciphering, no plate moving, no special treasure chests, no running past guards secretly, nothing! Literally just that Shinra training facility and other useless things like the museum and archives that don’t even have books to read! I think the most enjoyable thing was going around trashing the chairs everywhere because I didn’t even mean to move them, but Cloud running around just naturally destroys them lol. Yes, totally infiltrating “quietly”. But seriously, Shinra building is definitely a letdown right now. Scarlet’s ruthlessness was just...whatever too lol.

Sigh, I kinda really wanted to see the gym and the napping room lolll. I guess it was nice that we got to see them go through the air duct in the bathroom to spy on the President’s meeting, but stilllll. I mean, they didn’t even let me explore the women’s bathroom! C'mon! I don’t need this kind of realism in my game! I want to explore!! Maybe I’m just getting ahead of myself and it’ll be better.. Anyway, Hojo looks as creepy as the person that he is lmaoo, and being Reeve is suffering, considering he’s the only one that seems to care about the people. The idea of Hojo having all these monsters in his research lab is disturbing lol.  I found the explanation and existence of the Whisperers…unnecessary, they’re basically things that are there to stop the party from changing the predetermined fate of this world. Like, I kinda knew already with considering where they always appeared etc but ugh. Oh well, whatever. Red XIII is pretty hot. He looks older than I thought though, he looks more like what I would expect his father to look like tbh lol, I mean Bugenhagen always said Red XIII was practically a kid in terms of his species lifespan!! 

I’m sad that the Turks Theme doesn’t have that clicky sound to it that made it sound cool anymore, sigh. I’m also kindaaa disappointed that they seem to be pushing with the Turks the idea that they’re quite..nice? Like, maybe it’s just me, but despite how “cool and nice” the Turks were in the original, what I loved about them the most was their work ethic and how it’s a lot of dirty work, but it’s their job and they have a sense of pride to it.  Whereas sometimes in this remake, I kinda feel like, they question their job too much when they know what it entails? Like, I really wanted to see Rude catch us in the elevator LOL. Anyway, Sephiroth appearing near Jenova and slashing the bridge they were standing on in retaliation of Cloud attacking him was interesting…not too sure what to think about it right now because it felt rather random tbh lol. I guess we are definitely not getting the jail cell time, which is more disappointing than the boring Shinra building tbh. Not only did the cell time really give you time to bond with everyone in their cells, it also really highlighted how sudden and scary it was to see a trail of blood, and all these Shinra company men’s bodies as you slowly climb the stairs to realise what happened.

Btw, lmao at Red XIII pushing down handles, it looks so awkward because it seemed like he was struggling so bad hahahah. The Drum was an annoying place, I hated changing materia around between the two parties. Like whyyy can’t I just change the whole line of weapon and armour materia (like in the original) instead of slowly doing it one by one?! Aside from that, this was a boring place too lol. I guess the only nice thing was seeing Tifa and Aerith get along so well lol. Anyway, Jenova’s blood trail was much more pretty and fascinating than ominous tbh lol, it really gives a completely different feel to the actual blood trail in the original. It’s cool in its own regards though I guess. Okayyy, wow, I’m starting to think that this is becoming pretty ridiculous. Like it was obvious Barret won’t die because you know, these Whispers know that it’s not his fate to die here, so of course they’ll somehow save him, but now it’s just silly? Like, sure it’s not his fate to die here but was Barret such a crucial person to the “fate” that can’t be changed? Anyway, so basically everything that happened in the original is probably the “fate” that must be followed, but at the same time they’re just changing up things to make it as convenient as they want to for the story. Honestly, that segment with Barret and President Shinra was so cliche, I wanted to bang my head watching it because it was so unnecessary. I think he should have just died like in the original. Like all the mental agony of saving him or not, and then President Shinra showing how much of a crap he is was just so ugh, like was that really important? What did we expect him to be like? Did we really need to see this? Even seeing the sword pierce them was so whatever at that point because I’m starting to think the story is realllyyyyyy getting “basic”. Also, showing Wedge being here but not being able to change or do anything because “he’s not a part of fate” was just ridiculous. Like seriously, we get it, don’t these Whispers have anything better to do? I mean, I really wouldn’t say that the original timeline is the best timeline to follow for this world but okay, whatever they want.

Anyway, I’m sad that Rufus doesn’t have orange hair!! Hahaha, but that’s fine, since he still looks pretty hot. I love how he still has his dog!! Rufus was so annoying though, like seriously, I’ve had enough of bosses that just counterattack you, and you have to find the exact moment for an opening to deal damage zzzz. Otherwise, it was really cool to fight Rufus, this was starting to become the only thing I was looking forward to lol. Kinda sad you don’t actually fight Arsenal(?) that robot in the elevator anymore though. The fight took so long because I didn’t realise what I was supposed to be doing lolll. Cloud is taking lessons from Roche in getting crazy with the motorbike haha, seriously though, the motorbike and the blue car is so nostalgic. I did enjoy how alike the original, if you bothered looking (well it was more obvious in the remake) you actually see the motorbike and the car in the building haha. Not sure about Cloud throwing his sword scaring off the Shinra soldiers though, like dude, your sword could have fallen out of the building! Anyway, I knew it was coming, but I honestly hoped it didn’t, and that is…the second round of the motorbike game!!! Yes, the thing I sucked at the most in the original and in this remake as well, and what do you know, they just upped the difficulty with a boss! Not gonna lie, I legit died a few times because I had no idea how I was supposed to kill him, and when I realised how to do it, my skills were lacking, so yes, it took me a while. I was pretty frustrated lol, I mean, snowboarding is my worst enemy too but I never had to do it more than once! This game is just bullying people like me who suck at this mini game, sigh T_T It is pretty cool though. HOWEVER, it would have made life much easier if Red XIII threw a potion at me whenever I was dying and not just in between the battles, sighhh~

Anyway, this whole going into another dimension that Aerith says will change the course of events where we’ll now forge our own destiny or whatever by killing the Whispers who are trying to convene fate to be as it should flow like in the original story is…weird to say the least of it. Sephiroth wasn’t too difficult to beat, but I found the whole fight in this place weird and cliche, with all the “memories” of the original timeline coming to Cloud and them, and for them to destroy all that to change their fate. Okay, Zack is alive? Like, I was kinda thinking it would be interesting and funny if Zack were to survive but hmmm, not sure what to think of it. Well, the different dog probably indicates it’s a different timeline/world but that doesn’t really stop the writers from creating a story where he can jump to their world or whatever. Biggs is alive? Is everyone alive lol? Like, I guess Cloud and everyone are planning to alter fate so ensuring everyone survives is what they want, but at the same time, I’m just baffled at this ending. I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. It really doesn’t help that the dialogue is so… bland? Useless? It’s so flowery with no substance imo. Maybe in the next part we’ll get to see Zack’s new world line from his perspective and then their worlds can connect or something lol. Anyway! I’ll say, I don’t like or dislike the ending because honestly, with all the changes that happened with the Shinra company, I already lowered my expectations to the max lol, it also helped the ending was kinda spoiled to me before I even played the game, so I knew it wouldn’t be a faithful remake, but is instead more of a FFVII-2 kinda deal. But I still find the way things played out really disjointed and cliche. The whole chapter 18 suffered the most in dialogue and story tbh, because honestly, I’m not sure if people who haven’t played the original would really get it, and would they really get the importance of Zack lol. It’s just annoying that they decided to throw all this at the end when everything else was Shinra and Shinra. And yeah, I see why they made the Aerith and Cloud “romance” so subtle you couldn’t feel anything about it, it’s probably because they want to make it more of a Aerith and Zack thing for this remake, which is understandable, but kinda saddening because that changes a lot of things in terms of how you’ll feel about it all.

Overall Review Overall, let me attempt to put together how I feel about the whole thing. Honestly, I’ve been thinking about how to write down my feelings for days or weeks but I still don’t know what to say of this disappointment LOL. Tbh, I think the thing I would have appreciated the most would be Square Enix telling me that this wouldn’t be a faithful adaptation of the original with HD graphics and extended story/scenes. Because if I didn’t have that expectation, I wouldn’t have felt as mixed about the ending as I am now. People seem to hate on people for being disappointed at expecting that it would be a faithful adaptation, but really, what did you want a lot of the old fans to expect? The game itself is riding on a nostalgia train yet it’s our fault for thinking it would be faithful? Even the Japanese commercial rode on the nostalgia train with a guy happily talking about the iconic scenes in the original and being excited that he’ll be able to experience the remake with people who don’t know it. They clearly wanted old fans to join the hype and then sucker punched them to the gut with the ending. Thankfully, I knew what was coming so I survived but honestly, aside from hopefully still getting to see other iconic scenes, I’m not really interested in how the story will play out. I hate stories involving stuff like time travel and branching timelines etc most of the time, especially when time travel is not the main focus of the story. This isn’t something like Chrono Trigger. I think my biggest problem though was that considering how much of a slow burn 80% of the game was, the fact that once we got to the Shinra building, everything just lacked detail and felt so rushed into that...ending. My biggest problem isn’t the ending itself, but how everything led to that ending, because it was really dissatisfying to watch. Like, honestly, on paper, it’s not a bad idea, it would be interesting to see how things could play out with the unknown etc, but really, the way they did it with the obnoxious Whispers throughout the story, alongside the out of nowhere ending really killed the experience.

I’m probably being whiny at this point but really, the main gripe I have with the ending is that it makes me think that the writers thought it would be “boring” to just redo the original with extended stories because “everyone knows the story already” kinda thing, and it also kinda implies as if the original was “perfect as it is”, which I honestly have to disagree with. I love the original FFVII but honestly, a lot of things could have been told better without feeling as disjointed as some things were, like it was nice to uncover bits and pieces etc, but a lot of things also relied on you yourself to find it, so it’s easy to miss things. For example, without a walkthrough, I honestly didn’t realise there was that scene in the Shinra mansion where you could actually see Zack die. I also feel like integrating Yuffie and Vincent in the story more would have been something good to focus on in the original because Wutai is important, the Lucrecia, Hojo and Vincent story is important, but because they were optional, it wasn’t always something people found. I just feel like for the story FFVII is, it was really unnecessary to make it more convoluted than it is, because now it’s just detracting from what made this game good. Like, maybe it might be interesting with this time travel stuff, but at the same time, this isn’t really FFVII anymore, all it has is iconic scenes in HD as fanservice. Which kinda makes me mad, because they so blatantly shove in your face FFVII fanservice for like 90% of the game and then they just show this ending, like okay. I’m not even sure the Weapons are that important anymore because who needs them to come out to protect the planet if the Whispers (like really, are they even dead?) are around? It’s just the stakes for everything have become so high where it’s involving fate and time travel etc. what is the point of the stuff that are limited to being inside this planet that is being controlled by the Whispers of fate? Well, whatever, I could complain all day here and I would still feel dissatisfied.

Anyway, nevertheless, I still enjoyed most of the game. I had my gripes here and there with the changes, but most of it was done really well, and I still liked it a lot. I mean, Wall Market is so beautiful and went beyond my expectations! The detail they put into the graphics and stuff really blew me away and I couldn’t stop taking screenshots. I also liked how they made Avalanche a bit more personal to Cloud. Although I really enjoyed seeing Aerith, Tifa and Cloud fanservice though, sometimes I felt like the scenes were just that, like just fanservice and it kinda got tedious. The side quests throughout the game were also quite boring imo. Like, I don’t expect anything groundbreaking from them, but they were really boring story wise and gameplay wise. The “puzzles” such as climbing across on those hand bars were so tedious and slow, I was annoyed lol, it’s so clunky to do! I’ll take the stupid crane any day. And the battle AI kills me. I know you’re supposed to swap between characters to build up ATB but man would I appreciate if the ATB charged up faster or if the AI wasn’t so useless. Barret not doing his job shooting sentry turrets and Tifa guarding against enemies not attacking her from ten miles away made me want to strangle someone. Like, it’s not terrible, but it definitely wasn’t enjoyable enough for me to care about playing hard mode. Lol, I’m back to complaining, but honestly, if I played the remake without knowing the original, aside from the graphics, I’m not sure if I was really into the story at all. Not saying it’s bad, but Midgar was always kinda like the beginning of the beginning so it’s really not that interesting in itself, and the bland story telling didn’t help imo, I guess the good thing was that it solidified everyone’s relationships? Anyway, I’ll still play the other parts because it’s FFVII but I think if it becomes something like Lightning Returns etc, I really just might drop it. For now, I’ll just go along with the ride, right now, things are just a 7/10~

P.S I think what I’m most sad about right now is that I won’t have the same feelings I had when I bought the remake. Since I live in Australia, the copies were sold before April 10th, so really, I cancelled my pre-order and went to the store and bought it myself after work. I was really excited to have it and get to play it because even though a lot of the things weren’t the same, it felt really nice to relive that experience of joining Cloud and them on their journey again. I really liked it and thought the reinterpretation to fit the more serious mood and everything was nice, but I’m honestly disappointed that I won’t be as excited to continue the journey in the next part. It’s the first time in a long time since I felt so excited for a game to come out, so it’s saddening, but I guess this is what it is.

[another-anti-reylo-blog]

Seriously I want to know. I racist in quotation marks because I wanted to make it more clear. Because there's a difference between being racist and being mean. So can you please explain to me. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. I can't find any reasons behind it and I thought you could explain it me.

This isn’t about hurt feelings here. It’s about this ““ being used in written text in basically every Western language to dismiss and diminish something when put around a word. Like there is a huge difference in the reading between abuse and “abuse”, the quotation marks makes it clear to the reader that the writer does not think it’s actaully abuse in the latter case.

And I frankly don’t understand why racism needed any kind of emphasis. ‘Why is reylo racist’ is a full and fully understandable sentence in and of itself.

But on to your question.

This isn’t about what I think, it’s about what fans of color, especially Black fans, have been talking their heads off for nearly two years now. So you know what, I’ll just link you to some of their posts instead.

Word of advice though, do not go pestering the fans who wrote these posts. They’re mainly Black women who do a lot of talking about racism in fandom for free when they have the time and energy. If you want private tutition from them on the ropic, at least pay them for the time and energy. Otherwise, just sit down and listen when they do talk.

X, X, X, X, X (warning for torture and abuse apologism galore in this one), X, X, X, X, X, X, X, X.

This is just a quick selection of posts on the topic and there are many more but quite frankly, if you haven’t got why after having read these there’s nothing I or anyone else can say that’ll get you too see how based on Antiblackness and white prioritising this ship is.

[askanautistic]

My reading teacher pulled me aside before lunch today. She handed me a excerpt from a book she had printed out. Something you might want to know is that I'm mute most of the time. There were a few parts of the text highlighted. I didn't know why she gave it to me so when I sat down at lunch I started to read. The story was about a girl who could not talk and there was a women talking to her about it. The basic premise was the women was telling her she was less than human and her achievements 1/2

Meant nothing because she couldn’t talk. The mute girl in the story starts agreeing with this woman about how she is nothing without a voice. I don’t know why but I felt sick after reading it. I wanted to scream and cry at the same time. I told my friends about it but they all said the same thing. “ the story is correct”. I don’t know what to do her class is my favorite but now I only feel sick and stupid. I have no idea what to do. Please help me. 2/2Please bear with me. I am finding this quite complicated to respond to because it seems like there are multiple things to address and potentially a lot of missing information or potential scenarios.Firstly the idea that being nonverbal would make someone less worthwhile, and render all their achievements literally worthless is rubbish. The only inkling of accuracy in the premise you’ve recounted is that other people often undervalue people who struggle to communicate verbally. So although it makes sense that you’d feel upset about people thinking like this, please do not let this make you doubt yourself (you are not ‘stupid’).It seems quite bizarre to me that the overall message in this story is so negative towards the protagonist (the story being about the girl makes me think that she is the protagonist). As this is an excerpt, perhaps you could look up the story it comes from? Perhaps that excerpt taken out of the context of the story gives a misleading message and the rest of the story deals with it?It also seems odd that your friends would collectively agree with it if it is as clearly unpleasant as you’ve described it, as describing someone as less than human for being nonverbal is quite extreme and obviously nasty, and seems like the kind of thing that people are meant to disagree with! So perhaps it would be worth asking them what exactly it is that they agree with/what they think is correct about it. Do they mean that the woman is correct in what she’s saying, or are they saying that it’s correct that some people treat others that way/undervalue other people/prioritise certain abilities and achievements and dismiss others.At the time of sending this message it was the same day that your teacher had given you the excerpt to read. Perhaps she intended to give you another excerpt, or to discuss it with you. Perhaps you could ask her (in whatever manner would be easiest for you) why she gave it to you, and ask her to explain her reasons for highlighting parts of it, and hopefully she’ll be able to reassure you that there was no malice intended and that she disagrees with the woman’s opinions, or she might be able to clear up any misunderstandings if you have misunderstood anything about the excerpt/her intentions.If your teacher has pulled you aside to give you an excerpt that genuinely suggests that your selective mutism/often being nonverbal means you are inferior in any way, and she intended to convey that to you, that’s bullying and you should report her to her manager (I’d imagine that would be the headteacher).If you don’t feel able to approach the teacher about it, you could approach a different teacher or other adult at school to speak to them about it. I’d advise that you don’t relinquish the excerpt, however, in case you do need it as evidence that this teacher has behaved inappropriately.You could also talk to an adult family member to enlist their support in dealing with this situation rather than trying to deal with it (by) yourself.Even if you find out that you have misunderstood, somehow, or that her intentions weren’t malicious, the fact this has caused you so much distress means that it would probably be good for her to realise that and to apologise and be more careful in future.The fact your teacher singled you out might make this less likely, but there is still the possibility that she hasn’t, and that your friends haven’t, associated the character with you. If the character is completely nonverbal, they might not associate that as being the same as being nonverbal some of the time, and might not class you as being sometimes/often nonverbal or selectively mute (perhaps just thinking that you are ‘quiet’). If they are literally agreeing that being nonverbal makes someone inferior, of course that attitude is awful even if they aren’t directly thinking that about you. but if that is the case, it might make it easier for you to tell them how wrong and ableist they are being (because you might be able to view it as them being ignorant and you educating them about something more general, rather than feeling you’re being personally attacked and trying to defend yourself).