#say fuck it and live your best life and then become the coolest version of yourself

[the-entity-down-the-street]

Me: am I punk enough to make a battle jacket?

*remembers I danced down the aisle outside an old mental asylum to Melanie Martinez's "Mad Hatter", covered in fake blood and dressed in my dren wings + tail + horns, and then opened my vows with an invitation to the spirits haunting the place to celebrate with us, because mentally ill folks are our kin*

Me: ... actually I can do whatever I want forever

[universaln0b0dy]

I just did one of these, but my playlist is 43 hours long, so why not make a second? This is for my mha oc, Suna Katsu!

1 - This song would be your OC theme song: This is love - Air traffic Controller (Uhhh, well it fits a bit? Not entirely but it does kinda!)

2 - This song would describe your OC's love life: Girls -Marina and the diamonds (Yes! I like that with her character! Though she is the "girls" the song is talking about. She tries to strive perfectionism for her crush, but her brain knows it's wrong. So her feelings and logic are at war)

3 - This song would play whenever your OC thinks about their crush/love: Groundhog Day - NEONI (She is scared of her crush and it changing everything, so she imagines the worst case scenario!"

4 - This song would describe your OC's childhood: Emperor's new clothes - Panic! At the disco (She is pretty competitive and a lot of things where taken from her, but she took all of them back, AND SHE WANTS MORE)

5 - This song would describe how your OC feels about the world: Bumblebees are out - Jack Stauber (Cruel and unforgiven)

6 - This song would play during your OC's badass moments: Birthday suit - Cosmo sheldrake

7 - This song would describe your OC's friendships: Can you feel my heart - Bring me the Horizon (That hits hard, because her friends just don't understand how she feels and why she did what she did.)

8 - This song would play whenever your OC is feeling sad: my mind (now) - Paris Paloma

9 - This song would be about your OC's backstory: Truce - twenty one pilot's (She learns to forgive herself for what she did in the past and she wants to live because a person she loved died.)

10 - This song would play during your OC's death: Void - Malenie Martinez

F it, I'll make one for my attack on titan oc too! She is part of an au I am working on called: histories child

1 - This song would be your OC theme song: New Americana - Halsey (I like this, because her small tribe is kinda preserving the old cultures at the same time they are completely new)

2 - This song would describe your OC's love life: You spin my head right round - Tomas Bellwais (I love this XD)

3 - This song would play whenever your OC thinks about their crush/love: Sarcasm - Get scared (Ohooo, so this is intresting, because she doesn't have a good relationship with romantic love)

4 - This song would describe your OC's childhood: Friday (Dopamamine Re-Edit) - Riton (She had a good childhood, even though her past isn't the best)

5 - This song would describe how your OC feels about the world: Cigarette Ahegao - Penelope Scott (You guys need help, cause the world is fucked up!)

6 - This song would play during your OC's badass moments: Parachute (Acapella version) - Liel Bar-Z (its not the coolest song, but I think it does its job!)

7 - This song would describe your OC's friendships: Guys my age - Hey Violet (Uhhhhhhh, she gets along with older people because idk. This song doesn't fit-)

8 - This song would play whenever your OC is feeling sad: Fashion - Britney Manson. (I am sad, so I'll become a fashion icon.)

9 - This song would be about your OC's backstory: I'm gonna show you crazy - Bebe Rexha (I turn into a titan andi speak a language no one else does, so now everyone says I'm crazy!

10 - This song would play during your OC's death: Never not try - Jan-marten Block

@whimsical-demises @danika-redgrave124 @UncreativEMuffiN @cyn-writes

You all are next-

Music Shuffle Challenge but OC version

...because why not? Remember these very popular music shuffle challenges from years ago where you'd shuffle your playlist and each song that came up would describe certain moments of your life? I loved these, but I had this crazy idea right now...what if we revive this challenge BUT with an OC version? I think that would be lots of fun, so...

How this works: Open your playlist, play it on shuffle mode and fill the following form with the songs that come up (in order), don't skip any songs, that would be considered cheating. :P And don't forget to tell us which character you are doing this for!

1 - This song would be your OC theme song: 2 - This song would describe your OC's love life: 3 - This song would play whenever your OC thinks about their crush/love: 4 - This song would describe your OC's childhood: 5 - This song would describe how your OC feels about the world: 6 - This song would play during your OC's badass moments: 7 - This song would describe your OC's friendships: 8 - This song would play whenever your OC is feeling sad: 9 - This song would be about your OC's backstory: 10 - This song would play during your OC's death:

Feel free to do this, I'd love to see other people doing it! Have fun!

[thebluestbluewords]

9 for the OTP questions? Choose any ship you’d like!

Thank you nonnie! Sorry for taking almost a week to get to this, hope you enjoy :)

Number 9-- Pirate AU: Who is the pirate? Who is the member of the royal family who did not sign up for this?

(There are two not-fics below-- rotten four as is my brand, and mal/audrey)

There’s two ways I could go with this:

either THIS is the Maldry rivals-to-friends-to-lovers fic, where Mal is a dashing pirate who is young and rebellious and was kicked off of her ship by her mother, who wants her to attend the young lady's academy on the mainland and educate herself in the ways of “proper” society so that they can infiltrate the rich ships better and get the reputation as the gentlewoman pirates that they deserve. Of course, in this fic Mal meets Audrey along the way, and hates her immediately. Seriously, this girl likes PINK and PRINCESSES but also NOT PRINCESSES because she is NOT INTO GIRLS and it’s INFURIATING.

“Mal,” says Evie, who is Mal’s best friend from the pirate ship who is actually delighted to be attending the princess academy and is learning new ways to hide knives in her fancy dresses every day “Babe.”

“Fuck off,” says Mal, who has known Evie since they were six and had a falling-out so dramatic that they sailed on separate ships next to each other for four years afterwards.

“You’re so gay for her.” says Evie, who is already hooking up with Mal in their free time because it’s easy and comfortable and they both enjoy it well enough. “I know that look, Mal Bertha.”

“There’s no look,” says Mal, sulking.

“Just ask her out with all of your dashing pirate charm.” Evie says. She has not stopped applying her lipgloss throughout this conversation, and it’s not as distracting as it should be for either girl.

So Mal goes out and picks up a new pair of boots with less bloodstains than her old ones, and rents a boat (renting is like stealing, except it’s only for a while. It’s practically borrowing, really, except for how Evie has drilling it into Mal’s mind after a few too many incidents with lost books that BORROWING happens when you’ve ASKED FIRST) and decides to turn on the full pirate charm

Audrey is not impressed, and does not break up with her boyfriend, Chad Charming, over this attempt at wooing. She is a princess, and in NO HECKING WAY did she sign up to be….harassed!! By a pirate no less!! Everyone knows who her mother really is, no matter if she’s here under an “education decree” from the “crown prince” for the “children” of the exiled *former* smuggler’s community by the coast.

….Mal steals a boat, and tries again. Only this time with kidnapping.

Audrey is impressed with the dedication, if nothing else. She may not like a pirate, but she can appreciate a girl who will dedicate at least six hours of her life to plotting and stealing a whole finishing vessel from the coast. And cook her a lobster dinner on it.

Mal is delighted by this turn of events. Evie is thrilled that she finally has time without her best friend where she can FINALLY decorate their room the way she wants. Audrey is reluctant at first, but eventually comes around to the idea of dating a bad girl.

….and also there’s a bit where Mal gets dumped in the water and Audrey, despite Not Signing Up For This Bull Crap, has to jump in and save her. From about two feet of water. Because Audrey was being a reasonable person and taking her shirt off so that she could get the full benefits of the sun. Make that vitamin D.

Mal is so gay that she walked off the side of the boat when it happened.

The OTHER answer is that it’s a rotten ot4 story, and Mal is an evil princess who gets sent away to live on a pirate ship for a year by her mother, who wants her to become more evil and also learn some leadership skills. The other three are the pirates who are supposed to teach her their wicked ways of stealing and drinking and cruelty.

Unfortunately for Maleficent’s plans, the shipping journey doesn’t go exactly according to plan.

Mal does not fall overboard this time, but what DOES happen is that the OTHER wicked princess on board the ship is too perfect for words, and when it’s revealed that actually, Evie is the famous pirate princesa espelho and NOT another wicked boarding school member, Mal has a full blown gay crisis.

“Well YEAH,” says Jay, who is also dating essentially pirate royalty. “She’s like, basically the coolest person you’ll ever meet, aside from me. What, did you think she was one of us regular wicked school brats?”

“I don’t know what I expected,” Mal tells her pillow, which she is burying her face in during said Gay Crisis. “She’s too good to be true.”

“Nah.” Jay says, mouth full of ye olde cheetos or something. “She’s pretty lame sometimes. You should ask her about what her room looked like when she first got her own ship. All dark and gloomy.”

“WHAT” shrieks Mal, who has been working on changing her bunk to the darkest, deepest corner since she first arrived. “She THREW OUT a room that was dark AND gloomy in favor of what?”

“Better lighting for her makeup tutorials, mostly.” Jay says, not paying attention anymore. “I think she might also have a full journalism setup there too. She won’t tell me anymore, not after what happened with the caustic tar.

Mal is horrifically curious about the caustic tar now. “What was it made from,do you know?” she asks, because she’s still working on how to cohabitate with other people peacefully despite growing up running around an evil academy since she was a child.

“Nothing important,” says Jay casually, throwing a ball at the ceiling.. “She had some boards replaced, scrubbed off all the skin on her palms fixing the parts of the door she didn’t want to replace, and then made a very cool liquid version of the tar for spraying on fabric to get natural wear and tear patterns on new garments.

“Sick.” Mal says, and before she can make any other comments:

“There was the matter of the handprints though,” Jay say, still extremely fake-casually. .”they were weird, you know, because Evie had them on her back for weeks, with the tar and all, and they were definitely dainty. Almost like some girl kissed her around the neck while there was still tar on her hands.”

Mal throws a shoe at him, knocking both the ball and the boy out of the way, and shoves past to find Evie.

Because the roles are already a mess for this (I am very small and very tired place just roll with it as I am not editing this before I post) Mal runs into exactly the pirate royalty she doesn’t want to see.

“What the fuck are you doing in my room?” asks Carlos, who is basically a tiny perfect decoy in this world. His mother had a monopoly on the exotics trade for a good few years when he was a child, and would tie him to the mast and make him cry for mercy as a way of luring other ships hoping to rescue a nobleman’s child closer. It worked disturbingly well, and now at sixteen, Carlos is both a pirate elite and terrified of falling into the water.

Mal pushes past, because she is as always a little bit of an asshole, and goes off to find her OWN pirate princess to date. She doesn’t need any stupid boys who just look at her like she’s dumb when she doesn’t know an anchor form a bowline. She doesn’t need to know. She’s going to be managing her own crew eventually, and they’ll do all of the heavy lifting aspects of it all. Mal is simply going to chill out and wait for the princess to come to her.

Of course, because this is a pirate story, this is when another ship sees the school experience boat, and decides that the best experience for the young baddies to have is explosions. Lots of them.

First hand, even.

The pirates (Evie and Jay and Carlos included) get to stations.

Mal, confused and distressed by this turn of events, is about halfway from transforming her whole shit and dealing with the dragon claw marks later, decides to wait in the hold. She is not getting paid for this experience, and it’s so beyond her ability to control what other ships do, mom.

Mal might have a few mommy issues in addition to the princess issues. A balance there.

“Fuck” Mal says, instead of dictating a letter to her mother like she should when entering a potentially life-threatening situation. “Now I’m never going to be able to talk to her.”

Mal does not die, Evie does not die, neither of them actually manage to steal anything in this story except for each other’s hearts, and then they talk at length about their feelings and how they should become a mean fighting team.

The next pirate raid (intentional), they’re ready. They’ve practiced all of their cool two-person moves together, and they’re ready for this.

Two minutes into the battle, Jay gets taken by the unwitting second team and disappears. Mal, predictably, flips her shit when this happens.

Aaaaand now it is late and I’ve written up enough of a piece of a fic I won’t write for this hour. Hope you enjoyed one or both of these ideas, nonny.

(the second one ends with Evie and Carlos dragging Mal along on an adventure to get Jay back, where Mal learns how not to be useless on a ship anymore and she and Evie bond as people and they keep Carlos and Mal in turns from having a nervous breakdown as they get their boyfriend/BFF back and then they all realize that ACTUALLY they work best as a foursome and do that)

[danasmonster]

Comparing the SKAM Remakes: ISAK (Part V)

Robbe (wtFOCK/SKAM Belgium)

The Differences:

OK let me start off by saying this is the most turbulent Isak/Even relationship yet. They lie to each other (Sander & Robbe), they yell at each other (Robbe), and they call each other homophobic slurs (Robbe). They also say “I love you” a lot more . . . 

Instead of pawning the weed off on someone else, Robbe had the weed pawned off on him

Unlike Isak, Robbe is still going through the process of finding a place to live. His mom has just been hospitalized and his dad lives really far away from his school, plus they don’t get along. 

Also, instead of Zoe (the Noora character) being in London, it’s Lisa (Linn) who is studying abroad, thus making the room available. It was a bit like the writers thought “meh, this character is just window dressing” and replaced her with Zoe, and it was nice to see more of Zoe's interactions with all the characters since she is more central to the series. Honestly both Zoe and Milan seem to really look after and take care of Robbe, more so than the other incarnations of Eskild and Noora. 

Milan is way more in your face about making out with men in front of Robbe than Eskild was. 

Both Robbe and Sander are in relationships with girls when they meet, however neither has been long term. Sander’s relationship with Britt has only been going on for six months, as opposed to four years with Even and Sonja. I think this is pretty significant because you could feel a lot of history between Even and Sonja and that is missing here with Sander and Britt. 

Robbe never lied to his friends in order to spend time with Sander, which was nice

But then he also totally freaked the fuck out after they kissed in the pool and went on the offensive with Sander, calling him a faggot and pushing him away . . . yeeek. I liked that Isak never took the hate for himself out on Even, never pushed him away. That Robbe did it here was understandable yes but I think I still prefer the orig. I mean Sanders face goddamn

Robbe broke up with Noor in person instead of just avoiding her/generally treating her like shit until they just fell apart 

I also liked that while yes the boys were creeping on the dancing girls like in the orig, in wtFOCK they were actually invited to be there as part of an actual audience. It didn’t feel as gross here.

Robbe and Sander didn’t just ditch the girls before the bike/pool scene - the girls went off on their own earlier and requested to be alone. It felt a little less dickish this way.

And OH MY GOD THE VIOLENCE! There is very explicit homophobia in the form of slurs and an actual physical attack on Robbe and Sander. No other incarnation has experienced such blatant hatred from other people. 

And what the fuck, Sander??? Sander flat out lied to Robbe when he told him he had broken up with Britt. 

There is also definitely some homophobia on the part of Moyo/Madhi and Aaron/Magnus. I mean, they actually call being bisexual gross and say they would be creeped out to be around a gay guy because he “might be into them.” That’s more than just ignorance, it’s intolerance, something that wasn’t present in Madhi and Magnus. Moyo in particular is way more of a dick. 

The scene where Sander has a bipolar episode is a little different because Robbe never tries to contact Britt, but somehow she is still there? Also her opinions on whether or not Sander’s feeling for Robbe are real hold a lot less weight considering they were only together six months as opposed to four years. Then instead of Sander’s friends and family taking care of him, he admits himself to a mental health facility. Then Jana/Eva encourages Robbe to just give up on Sander. Eeesh. 

Instead of Aaron/Magnus having a bipolar mother helping Sander understand it better, it’s Moyo/Madhi. Moyo also gives the minute by minute advice to him instead of Britt/Sonja. 

My Favorite Parts: 

I love the street art/graffiti subplot. I’ve always loved this type of art (when it is art). That first scene where Noor took Robbe to spray paint was so atmospheric, another song added to my playlist (

Fall

by The Bugg & Ina Copeland)Honestly any scene with Zoe and Milan was fantastic I liked when Milan readily admitted to going through everyone’s stuff when they weren’t home. I love the way Zoe is taking care of Robbe by making him food and just generally making him feel welcome when he moves in to the apartment with her and Milan. She was also really sweet when she made sure his wounds were disinfected after he was beaten up and making sure they were bandaged. Milan snuggling up to a sleeping Senna was great. I also really enjoyed the little taste of couple life from Zoe when she complained about Senna’s snoring. Zoe’s line was definitely on point. I don’t know how her relationship will end for her but this ideology is paramount to having a healthy relationship, period. 

“We’re a couple now but we also have our own lives”

It was really great and amusing foreshadowing when Noor replied to the boy’s saying all the chicks that go to the art school are hot with “

You haven’t seen the boys yet.

” Enter Sander.  

When Robbe meets Sander and they go around the store riding the grocery cart. It’s so carefree and happy and while I miss the pure absurdity of watching Even take all of the paper towels this scene was absolutely wonderful

The Halloween party was fucking epic.

Trick R Treat

by Josh A and Iamjakehill, added to playlistThe conversation between Milan and Robbe about Milan’s gaydar was really good, with the beginning of his response definitely tailored toward Robbe, and the look he gives him is so telling it’s uncomfortable. He was basically like, “I know you’re gay, bro.” Milan describes his gaydar as picking up on subtle signals, 

A certain look in their eyes. Or . . . It’s a bit like there is something in them that is desperately trying to get out. 

The conversation between Jens and Robbe about how sex isn’t everything was a prime example of how to be a good bro and healthy masculinity and I fucking loved it

The conversation between Milan and Robbe where Robbe admits to having feelings for another boy was super sweet. I feel like Milan was kind of taking on an Eskild/school nurse hybrid role here because he was mostly just encouraging Robbe not to keep everything inside and to be himself. His relationship with Robbe seems a bit more paternal and I love it for this version.

The scene where Robbe is actually open and honest with Sander about his conflicting emotions about his sexuality was much appreciated

The scene when Milan was describing a very butch guy on the bus becoming all soft like when he looked at him was great. Everyone melts for you, Milan 💋

Have I said how much I love Zoe and Milan??? Also I can’t wait to see Zoe and Senna’s story when I go through all the Nooras, Senna definitely seems like the best William so far. I know they break up in the last episode of Robbe’s season but I have hopes they will get back together.

It was absolutely amazing to watch Milan put Mojo in his place

The scene where Zoe and Robbe go Christmas shopping is terrific. I just love watching their friendship 

The scene of everyone opening their Christmas presents together was also adorable 

Things I Missed:

The funny, quirky little moments like the metal leg conversation between Even and Isak right before their almost first kiss or the absurdity of the paper towel scene when they first meet

The scene where the whole boy squad is together and giving Isak relationship advice. In this one is was just Jens and I felt let down that Aaron and Moyo couldn’t be there as well. 

And a shout out for Noor, who gets my vote for best Emma

Noor (Emma) kissed Robbe after he complimented her, not after he insulted her. 

Robbe also seems to have more of an actual relationship with Noor than Isak had with Emma. 

Noor is definitely the coolest version of Emma so far, both in personality and appearance. I mean not only does she look fucking great but she was so sweet about how Robbe couldn’t get it up when they tried to have sex. 

I really love the development of their relationship in this and how much more complex it is than in the original.

I also love that she and Robbe seem to have repaired their relationship and can be friends by the end of Robbe’s story

GO NOOR!!

[metalandmagi]

Summer 2019 Anime Worth Watching

Summer is here, and with it brings another new season of anime! In case you’re feeling lost and want to find some new shows to pass the time, here’s some of the anime I think are worth checking out...because some really good shows tend to fly under the radar. I think there’s some genuinely interesting stuff this season, so hopefully you’ll find something you like too. 

I also have a Winter list and a Spring list and a fall list now!

And here’s my master list for 2020

New Shows!

Given: A *cough* BL *cough* romance anime in which tsundere highschool guitarist Ritsuka Uenoyama is on the verge of losing his passion for music when he stumbles upon the sleepy-eyed Mafuyu Sato who constantly carries a guitar around that he doesn’t know how to play. Drama and musical shenanigans ensue. This was by far my most anticipated show of the season, because I happen to have read a few chapters of this manga and liked it a lot. The only reason I stopped was because I wanted to hear the music in this music oriented story...so naturally the anime makes me very happy. Not only is it sweet and cute with great animation, but it’s also hilarious. Sato is also basically a human incarnation of a lost puppy, and you just help but fall in love with him and the other characters! AND NOW WE HAVE TWO GAY MUSIC SHOWS THIS SEASON! 

Dr. STONE: An action adventure anime that takes place 3,700 years in the future after the world is struck with a mysterious phenomenon that turns the entire human race to stone. Our protagonists: the genius, scientific minded Senku Ishigami and the muscle-y comic relief Taiju Oki, must find a way to rebuild civilization and turn humanity back to normal using the POWER OF SCIENCE! It’s fun, good looking, and way more interesting than I thought it would be. I’m not very attached to the main characters yet, although it’s still early. I’m mainly sticking around for the plot, the comedy, and the answers to the crazy amount of questions I have after watching the first episode!

Fire Force: An action/drama where super powered fire fighters must protect Tokyo from people who are spontaneously combusting while our hero Shinra must find out who started the fire that killed his mother. More than anything, I’d say this show is definitely worth watching for the cinematography and action because almost every second has been high flying dynamic animation that really grips you. It reminds me a lot of Soul Eater, the story and characters have a lot of potential, and you know an anime will be good when the girls have muscles too!

If it’s for My Daughter, I’d Even Defeat a Demon Lord: Can you tell it’s based on a light novel? A slice of life set in a fantasy world where an adventurer named Dale stumbles upon an adorable lost little girl in the woods, who happens to be branded as a criminal. So of course Dale basically adopts her and tries to find out how she came to be with him. It’s basically fantasy School Babysitters without the tragic depth to it (but there’s room for potential). Yes, this is definitely the most wholesome show of the season, but it’s to be expected considering it’s basically Japan’s latest attempt to get people to have more babies. Personally, the most interesting aspect of this show is the fact that Dale and his “daughter” can’t speak the same language. Unfortunately, the light novel ends up pulling a Bunny Drop...so I sincerely hope the anime doesn’t try the creepy romance factor. So for now, if you feel like puking up some rainbows, give this one a try. 

To the Abandoned Sacred Beasts: An action drama where, during a civil war, one side used “forbidden technology” to enhance their soldiers and basically turn them into badass monsters. The only problem: the soldiers who were turned start to lose their humanity and end up killing humans for the fun of it. Now our protagonist must hunt down his fellow soldiers and kill them before it’s too late. Honestly, this show has some pacing issues and can be a bit stilted in terms of its character interactions, but what kept me watching was the last 5 minutes of the first episode. I was so not prepared for the roller coaster that was the first episode’s ending, and now I’m extremely intrigued. Besides it’s made by MAPPA so I would at least give it a couple episodes to see if it’s for you.   

Vinland Saga: The story of a young boy named Thorfinn’s journey to become a great warrior and while the adults deal with going to war. IT’S THE ONE WITH THE VIKINGS!!! It basically feels like a darker, grittier viking version of Moana. I’ve heard literally nothing but praise for this manga for so many years that my hopes skyrocketed as soon as I heard Wit was doing the adaption. And it has definitely lived up to the hype so far! It’s a great action historical drama to fill the void after Dororo. The only problem is no one will watch it because it’s on Amazon Prime.

Kochouki: Wakaki Nobunaga: A fun brightly colored historical anime about the famous warlord Nobunaga when he was a young teenager. I honestly don’t know what the tone of this anime is going to be from here on out, because it’s going to go from “fun thieving shenanigans with pretty boys” to leading people into battle, but it got me interested. I know putting Nobunaga in an anime isn’t exactly original, but this one seems like a fun ride...and it looks gay as fuck. 

And I have to shout out some that haven’t premiered yet...just in case...

Try Knights: This one doesn’t come out until the end of July, but you bet your ass I’m going to be watching it because it’s an original anime about PRETTY BOYS PLAYING RUGBY! And I have a feeling it’s going to be very... different from the other resident rugby anime All Out. 

Yokai Ningen BEM (Humanoid Monster BEM): Okay, this one’s not out yet either, but the trailer had a really cool vibe to it, so I’m including it anyway. It’s a remake of the 1968 anime in which a group of yokai who look like humans fight crime in the big city. If nothing else, the music is cool, and it’s made by Production I.G, so why not?

*UPDATE* The first episode finally dropped, and holy crap I’m so into this. It’s basically Durarara mixed with Psycho Pass mixed with Bungo Stray Dogs. The first episode has me completely hooked!

Next seasons and continuations!

As always there are some leftovers from the spring season that are continuing into the summer that I highly suggest!

Carole and Tuesday: The musical sci-fi anime directed by Shinichiro Watanabe wherein a rich runaway named Tuesday meets a streetwise girl named Carole, and the two decide to start a band together. Now Carole and Tuesday must rise to stardom in a world dominated by android created music. It was by far my favorite new show of the spring, and if you can find a way to watch it (because it’s still not available legally anywhere aside from Japanese Netflix apparently) I wholeheartedly recommend it. It’s got the best and most diverse music I’ve seen in an anime in a long time, an interesting setting (apparently it takes place in the Cowboy Bebop universe!?), and very well rounded fun characters. And I'm dying for a soundtrack release with all the songs!!!!

Fruits Basket 2019: Yes, the remake of the classic 2001 anime in which a girl moves in with a family who can turn into animals from the zodiac is getting a full run. And thank God because I just can’t say goodbye to it after only 12 episodes. It is so stunningly beautiful in both animation and story subjects that I don’t know what I would do without it. The characters feel so much more fleshed out, and I feel like I learn a lesson about life each week even though I already know most of what’s going to happen. If you never watched the original because thought you were too “cool” to watch a shoujo anime, give it a chance. Because if you think it’s just a generic love triangle romance show, you couldn’t be more wrong. The reboot is so good at portraying different kinds of love and how the presence of love and family can change lives AND IT’S JUST SO FREAKING GOOD! 

Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba: In case you missed Ufotable’s newest project, this is a shounen anime that follows a young boy named Tanjiro and his sister Nezuko who has been possessed by a demon and their journey to turn Nezuko back to normal while fighting demons along the way. I still feel like this is a pretty basic shounen anime story wise, but I really like the characters, especially the villains. It has some of the coolest fighting/power mechanics I’ve seen in awhile, and the animation is very cool and different!

Ace of Diamond act 2: Our favorite shounen baseball anime is continuing into the summer. And I have very mixed feelings about this season so far. We are getting some fun new characters and some great scenes with the team, but the games are very...choppy and rushed. Apparently this is how it goes down in the manga, and we’re in for some good Sawamura development...but it’s still touch and go for me personally.  

That’s it for now. Most of these are available on Crunchyroll, except Vinland Saga, Carole and Tuesday, and Kochouki: Wakaki Nobunaga. Since Try Knights and Yokai Ningen BEM aren’t out yet, I don’t know where they will be available legally. 

See you next season!

[naivesilver]

@bewilderedmoth​ FINE. Fine. Since today is a Monday and therefore a day much more suited for a vitriolic commentary on terrible insects, I shall fulfill your request and the anon’s. I’m warning everyone in the premises, though -  this is a “no fucks given” list, so it may get ugly at any time. Also, as usual, this is only for things that I’ve already watched, so if you know of some cricket horror and don’t see it mentioned, assume I’ve yet to get to that specific adaptation.

Alright then! To the barricades!

1) Disney’s Pinocchio (1940)

The first of his genre. Look at this asshole - he’s literally the last creature I’d entrust my child to. The fact Pinocchio had to spend his first couple days of life with this guy shadowing his every step is mind-boggling, and it’s made even worse by the fact that the Blue Fairy put him in charge of another man’s kid, as though she had the right to make that choice.

(I won’t fall for the desire of dunking on the Fairy more, as this is a Cricket list, but believe me, the temptation is there. It always is.)

As Disney sidekicks go, he’s one of the worst. He’s not funny, and despite having literally ONE job he manages to fail spectacularly at it. He’s snappish at Pinocchio, he abandons his charge about two hours into the new day, he spends a much longer time flirting with female-presenting inanimate objects/animals/supernatural beings than doing any actual childrearing. He should have been forgotten the instant the movie left the theaters, but instead Disney made him one of his main mascots, giving him the role of storyteller or ghost or whatever the fuck they need him to do at the time. So not only is he single-handedly responsible for every other entry in this list, I keep finding him everywhere I turn my eyes to. A knock-off version of his Ghost of Christmas Past self was in the new Ducktales, too, so my friend freenklin (who already has had to endure many of my complaints) received some VERY disappointed scream-texts as I was liveblogging my watch.

Just...no. Get him out of my sight.

(Also Ewan McGregor is bound to voice him in the live action and like??? Excuse me??? Are we supposed to not make Obi Wan jokes??? Will he abandon his young padawan Pinocchio to the evil Strombolitroopers???)

2) Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night (1987)

This movie is at the bottom of my Pinocchio adaptation ranking, and boy, does it deserve the dishonor. The story is a weird mixture of adaptation and sequel, approximately a tenth of the characters actually appear in the book, and I can’t forgive them for ruining what could have been the coolest concept ever (Pinocchio as a pawn in a fight of good vs evil) into this disgrace of a cartoon.

As for the Cricket, in this case he’s not even a cricket. He’s a glowworm, and he’s a goddamn puppet too, to whom the Fairy gave life. I wonder, is the entirety of her job just...transforming people’s creations into sentient beings so that they can lead others to a honest life? Tell me, ma’am, do you want to breathe life into my disappointing Powerpoint presentations too, so that they might bully me into graduating?

Anyway, if you’re wondering what purpose Gee Willikers (sigh) serves, the answer is NONE. Pinocchio gets rid of him at least twice (good for him) and as easily as drinking a glass of water, he’s a burden to the (admittedly cooler) additional characters, like the aviator bee, and not only is he ugly as fuck, but also so annoying every time he gets a chance to speak that it’s a miracle he wasn’t cut out in post-production.

In short, disgusting. If he entered my home I’d swat him with a flycatcher until he leaves.

3) Pinocchio (2009)

This is essentially Disney’s Jiminy Cricket, but female, anthropomorphic, and with a passion for books instead of pretty ladies or ladies-adjacent objects. Mind you, a sapphic Cricket would perhaps have saved more than one adaptation, this one included, but I’m glad they skipped that part altogether. This miniseries has enough issues as it is.

I’m sorry, she’s just too annoying. Luciana Littizzetto can be funny, but in small doses, otherwise her jokes start to become repetitive. Two hours straight - and yes, it’s that much, because SOMEONE decided to follow Disney’s footsteps a little too well - are too long even for the strongest of hearts. Plus, none of the characters’ costumes are very flattering, accurate or well-made (except for Lampwick 💖), but hers just might take the cake. It looks like a mixture between a teenager’s first attempt at steampunk fashion and a Mardi Gras costume lifted from the discarded items’ bin at a cheap store. Takes you out of the fantasy more than anything else.

4) Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio (2002)

I’ve talked at length of the weirdness of this movie, but all in all it’s a pretty accurate transposition of the story, from the dialogue to the scenery.

Except for him.

The Cricket in this case does appear in the scenes belonging to him, but ALSO in a long and extremely useless sequence where he tries to find Pinocchio in the Land of Toys and gets kicked around by literally everyone present. Don’t get me wrong, that’s something I would have liked to do as well, but it was totally unnecessary, and it gave nothing to the overall story. This movie still holds the record as the most expensive Italian movie ever made, so wouldn’t it have been better for everybody to  skip that part entirely? Not only it would have saved them some money, but also it would have saved me from seeing this guy for an additional fifteen minutes on my screen.

Still, pretty tame compared to some of the others. Could have been worse.

5) Once Upon A Time (2011)

I debated long and hard before making this choice, and I’m not putting him in with a light heart, but before you come at me with pitchforks, please listen.

I like Archie, okay! He’s a fun character, the human side of his backstory was great and gave him a lot of depth and inner turmoil, and the concept of Jiminy Cricket being a therapist is amazing and hilarious. But he’s kind of a shit therapist, whose actions aren’t always what you’d expect from someone who’s supposed to be a conscience and a guide. And despite the show giving us the impression that he and Pinocchio had the same adventures as in the Disney movie (which doesn’t exactly endear him to me - if it wasn’t for his later character development he’d already be Lil Nas X-ing his way down to the bottom of my list), he and August never interacted on screen after the First Curse broke. Not once. And if there’s someone who needs therapy and support, that’s August Wayne Booth.

Yes, I did say at some point that I’d like to fix this in a fic. I’ll write it when I don’t have like eight projects on my table at the same time.

Finally, two scenes settled the matter for me: one, him pontificating at Snow about her trying to do everything on her own, without even pretending to help her set up the stroller she was struggling with at that very moment. I work with kids every day, I know exactly what she’s going through. Shut your mouth and open the damn stroller, Archie.

And two...That one fucking scene where he’s jumping out of Snow White’s cleavage. Honestly, what the fuck??? I wouldn’t even have remembered it if Libby hadn’t reminded me, so I suppose my brain tried to remove the traumatic memory before it caused any further damage, but it exists, and I’m still wondering why. What exactly was the deal with the writers, when they made that choice? I want a glass of what they were having, because by God, does it sound like a trip-inducing cocktail.

Aaaand we’re done! Remember, this is all part of my personal opinion, and I’m not to be taken seriously even on the best of days. Plus, my favorite cricket-esque character, aside from the book-accurate ones, is Gina from Piccolino no Bouken, who is a duck, a sassy little bastard and no closer to Collodi’s canon than any of these fuckers. So yes, when it comes to choices dictated by the heart, I am an hypocrite. Au revoir!

[porschekittisawasds]

simply cannot believe i made a supernatural fic rec list in the year 2020 but here we are

When Worlds Collide

When Zachariah dies, the illusions he’s created die with him.  But before they collapse completely, sometimes they collide. That’s how Castiel goes from cradling Dean Winchester’s broken body one moment, to finding himself face to face with Dean Smith in the next.

note: basically endverse!cas’s world collapses right after endverse!dean is killed by lucifer and he gets thrown into the it’s a terrible life verse. drama and love and a whole lot of fuckery ensue. it’s tagged as major character death but it’s not really

Broadway Musical

This is the day that marked the Holy and Blessed Union of Dean Winchester and Jo Harvelle.

The merging of prominent bloodlines is always a grand occurrence, but breeding pedigree hunter families like Winchester and Harvelle is something to be rejoiced. It is also something to be meticulously planned, which thankfully the Host is very good at.

note: an AU where dean and jo are destined to fall in love and have two sons who will bring on the apocalypse and be the vessels for michael and lucifer. only problem is cupid’s arrows don’t make them fall in love with each other and heaven promptly starts freaking the fuck out so cas slips into a vessel and tries to do some matchmaking to get the whole end of the world thing back on track. it’s tagged as unrepentant crack and that pretty much sums it up, but it’s also a very funny and enjoyable read

a turn of the earth

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

note: listen i LOVE a good time travel fic

How (thanks to Gabriel) Dean and Castiel (accidentally) raised each other (and Sam)

In which, Gabriel meddles with the time line and Castiel becomes Dean's angel rather sooner than intended.

note: after lucifer stabs gabriel in hammer of the gods, gabriel uses his very last bit of grace to travel back to the beginning of time and decree castiel the angel of thursdays and dean winchester. fast forward a few eons and castiel hears mary’s dying cry. he shows up too late to save her, but he decides that a human life is very short in the grand scheme of things so he can play guardian angel to dean (and by extension sam) while also fulfilling his duties to heaven. not only is this pretty much my favorite supernatural fic, it’s also one of my favorite fics in general

The Shattered One

When it struck Castiel, he was in mid-flight. It dropped him out of the sky like a sparrow buffeted by gale-force winds. Castiel set down the first place he could find. He ended up standing in a field in Switzerland, swaying on his feet and staring down at his body, dazed by what it had just done.

note: okay so listen. this is tagged as mpreg but that’s kind of a stretch imo. it’s not like... mpreg mpreg in the sense that it deals with angel reproduction and has nothing to do with sex or pregnancy. angel reproduction goes like this: a section of an angel’s grace will suddenly and randomly break off and begin to grow on it’s own. after a certain period of time, another angel has to offer a piece of their grace and the two pieces will combine to form a new angel. that new angel is a fully developed, fully functional angel and is considered a new brother/sister instead of an offspring.

cas’s grace shatters which means he’s fucked because this takes place in season 5 after he’s defied heaven. no other angel will offer up a piece of their grace so his own is basically going to rip itself apart, killing him in the process. when dean and sam find out cas is going to die, dean offers up part of his soul in place of another angel’s grace. what results is a new angel that has just enough human in it that it takes the shape of a human baby and sends pretty much all of their lives into a tailspin.

ALSO just a heads up this is definitely more pre-destiel despite the relationship tag. there’s a sequel where im pretty sure they do get together but i haven’t read it so i cant’s say for sure.

Kiss You When It’s Dangerous

When his partner Uriel, betrays him, Federal Agent Castiel Novak is saved from becoming a ritual sacrifice by brothers Dean and Sam Winchester.

note: FBI!cas gets thrown headfirst into the supernatural. tagged as major character death, but again it’s not really

My Roots Take Flight

After forty years in Hell, Dean’s more than willing to accept the offer: become a guardian angel and earn his freedom. But his new ward seems destined to hunt alongside Sam, and there are secrets in Heaven that the angels don’t want found out. Dean’s going to have to choose between his duty and the people he loves- and to work out just where Castiel fits in.

note: season 4 au where dean is an angel and cas is a human except it’s way more complicated than that

Peace and Good Luck To All Men

Christmas in the Milton household was difficult enough without the added complication of guests- and if Luke and Gabriel placing bets on who can get with Sam first wasn’t bad enough, then Cas developing a ridiculous crush on his sister’s boyfriend definitely is. 

note: the one where michael, lucifer luke, gabriel, anna and cas are all human siblings but michael and lucifer luke are still trying to kill each other, gabriel is still Like That and cas is still super into dean which is pretty inconvenient considering he’s with anna.

Asunder

Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. (Matthew 19:6) 

note: it’s been a very long time since i read this, but from what i remember it’s an AU where they’re all human and dean brings his friend/co-worker cas as his “date” to sam and ruby’s wedding for moral support. when sam was in college, he met ruby and they started using drugs together. after several failed attempts at helping him get clean, dean eventually cut sam off and it’s been years since they’ve spoken. even though sam and ruby are now both sober, dean blames ruby for everything that happened and the only reason he’s even going to the wedding is because bobby and ellen basically force him to. again, it’s been years and years since i read this so i can’t remember a lot of the details, but i do know that despite this being a dean/cas fic a lot of the focus is dean rebuilding his relationship with sam and that’s what i remember really liking about it.

Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered

Death brings Sam back — sort of.

note: a general fic involving only sam and dean. sam’s soul is so damaged from its time in the cage that when death brings it back, it shatters into pieces and so does sam. like literally. there’s four different sams now, each representing a distinctive part of his personality. sounds cracky but it’s actually surprisingly angsty and focuses on how the sams and dean are adjusting to their new reality and each other

Point Pleasant

(okay so this fic was deleted but i’m putting in on here anyway because the author has since turned it into a novel and had it published. im sure old pdfs of the fic are floating around but i highly recommend reading the novel version. if you know it was based on a destiel fic then it’s really easy to see those influences in the writing and the characters but it can stand up on it’s own. also!!!! it has pretty much the coolest take on the mothman’s origin story that i’ve ever heard.)

Ben Wisehart (Dean Winchester) grew up in the idyllic town of Point Pleasant, West Virginia. An early encounter with the supernatural shaped his worldview and served as the catalyst for his career as a bestselling horror writer. Thirteen years after abandoning his home, Ben returns to the town to investigate the apparent reemergence of the terrifying creature responsible for his childhood nightmares. In Point Pleasant, Ben is confronted not only by the town’s resident monster, the Mothman, but also by his former best friend, Sheriff Nicholas Nolan (Cas Novak). Together, Ben and Nicholas (Dean and Cas) uncover the mystery of the monster in the woods and discover that the ghosts that haunt us are sometimes made of flesh and blood. And sometimes, they lead us home.

Sympathy for the Devil (and Dean Winchester)

this is not so much a rec as it is a request.

basically an au version of season 5 (and kind of the whole series really). when god cast lucifer out of heaven, he tore out his grace. lucifer’s grace was put into the cage, but lucifer himself fell to earth and spent thousands and thousands of years reincarnating as a human. his latest reincarnation? dean winchester. so when sam opens the cage, lucifer’s grace is released and dean realizes that he’s lucifer. part of him still kind of wants to start the apocalypse but the other part of him has a whole new appreciation for humanity considering he now remembers every human life he’s ever lived. it’s made more complicated by the fact that dean (/lucifer) doesn’t really want to tell anyone that he’s apparently the devil so he has to keep his now angel status on the dl and also because despite heaven wanting the apocalypse to start, michael went missing from heaven shortly after lucifer was cast out and no one has any idea where he’s at.

this fic was deleted, but if anyone happens to have a pdf copy let me know. i would be highly appreciative!

[jennikkugoesoff]

Jennikku goes off about a Sonic the Hedgehog Reboot.

If you follow me at all or have read many of my other rants, you’ll know I love Sonic the Hedgehog. A lot, with all my heart. I met my friends through Sonic and it’s a franchise that’s changed a lot in my life, for better, for worse and everything in-between. It’s the reason I started to draw, to write and to really give creativity a chance.

It’s a series that has been through many twists, turns, up and down and all arounds over the course of it’s long, 28 (as of the time of writing) year lifespan, and has stood the test of time, being heralded either as one of the best video game franchises of all time, or, well, one of the worst out there, becoming more and more dated by each passing day.

But, it didn’t start out that way. Everyone’s told the long, terrible story now about Sonic’s massive rise to the top of 1990s American Iconography and his massive plummet into the depths of Hell, dragging his now-bitter fans down with him following the turn of the century and segwaying into the modern age, so I won’t bog you with the details you already know, but here’s the main point.

Sonic the Hedgehog... kinda sucks.

And that’s because it’s a mess. An astronomically confused, tired, and beaten mess. In the 28 year lifespan of Sonic the Hedgehog, it’s canon has become massively tangled in knots. Inconsistent games, inconsistent comics, inconsistent cartoons, and so on and so forth. Anyone who’s a fan of Sonic comes from a place where they heard about Sonic, be it the games, the cartoons, the comics, and so on, and therefore, have a different mindset about what Sonic the Hedgehog should be, which is the cause for much of the heavy, almost unpleasable climate the fan community gives off.

Really? The only way I see the series being salvageable is to wipe the slate clean and begin... at least somewhat anew, and see how these scatted pieces of broken glass we call the ‘Sonic canon’ can fit together.

This has been tried once, with Sonic Boom, but it didn’t really end well, and I’d like to change that, so let’s have this hypothetical reboot take the same form as Sonic Boom, as a potential ‘new face’ for the entire series, rather than a spinoff continuity. (I feel like this was the original intention of Sonic Boom, but due to the backlash, was revoked.)

Are you comfortable? Let’s go. It’s gonna be a long-ass, tiring, winding post.

(Seriously I spent fucking 3 days just writing this post. For that reason, there may be a few gRaMatTcul eRors here and there, just bear with me, okay? I’m tired and I just wanna heave out this monster of an idea.)

Housecleaning and on wiping the slate clean

Ok, before we actually get into redoing the series, I wanna make this clear, when I say I want to ‘wipe the slate clean’, that’s sort of an exaggeration. I don’t think Sonic needs to be completely rewritten from scratch, and certain elements of the series DO work very well, so it’s more we’re gonna ‘wipe the slate clean, but immediately redraw things back on, except bigger and better than they were before.’

The reason why is, Sonic the Hedgehog has a kind of ‘hoarder complex’ when it comes to his franchise. As I established earlier, the main problem with rebooting Sonic the Hedgehog as compared to another franchise like, say, Ducktales, or Ghostbusters, is that Sonic the Hedgehog has a lot of lore. Too much lore. Think about the crazy amount of lore surrounding Solaris, Mephiles, Dark and Light Gaia, the Wisps, Chaos, and Tikal, Shadow and the Black Arms, Silver, the Sol Dimension and Blaze, Eggman Nega, the Nocturnus Clan, the list goes on and on and on. It’s head-spinning, it’s confusing, and most of all, obtrusive to what’s actually important in the Sonic Canon versus what seems important.

This isn’t helped by the fact that Sonic has never really had a consistent ground to stand on in terms of his world and where he lives because where he lives changes with every game or new thing Sonic is in. So, introducing these new, complicated gods and grand, sprawling history all of a sudden doesn’t give the world Sonic lives in any ground or any real meaning if it’s just going to be ignored later on when Sonic Forces completely rewrites the world map from Unleashed. (This is a problem I have with the Mario and Kirby series too.)

Even if you claim something like the Sonic Archie comics have consistency in their setting, think about how much the comic’s version of Mobius changed over the course of its lifespan after not only being completely rewritten (thanks Ken Penders. I’m sure your horrific 3d render children are proud.) and two crossovers, not to mention all the subtle shifts and changes the comic made from its debut comic to its cancellation.

So, if we’re going to do this, we need to get this straight right now.

A new Sonic reboot will NEED to cover EVERY base of the Sonic continuity. Games, Comics, Cartoons, Merchandising (with the exception of maybe some anniversary stuff), The Whole Echidna- er, Enchilada.

If the problem with Sonic as it is, is that the continuity is messy because it keeps adding new stuff? THEN STOP FUCKING ADDING NEW STUFF!!

NO ONE’S GONNA LIKE THE NEW STUFF ANYWAY!!

PEOPLE FUCKING HATE CHANGE!!

THIS FRANCHISE IS SO FUCKing MiSTReATED!- FUCK!!

Nah, but seriously. If this reboot is gonna work, then it needs to BE a proper reboot. Not a side-series like Sonic Boom, not an ‘alternate dimension’ to dip into for mainline games, not a one-off series of animated shorts, no quills, no pillows. If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna go all in. At least in terms of continuity.

So, you know what we’re gonna name this reboot?

Sonic the Hedgehog

Just, Sonic the Hedgehog. Yep. All in, indeed.

Audience, Tone, and Genre

I feel maybe I should’ve split these into multiple sections, but, they really all go hand-in-hand. 

If we’re gonna remake Sonic, we gotta first decide how Sonic should feel, and who he’s going to appeal to. So, let’s consider what we’re working with first, based on the history of who Sonic has appealed to.

The whole point of Sonic’s young, hip, snarky personality was to appeal to the American youth of the 1990s (kids, teenagers, and young adults), the young, hip, snarky and coolest people around. Sonic sought to identify with these kids by being a little bit ‘edgier’ and ‘cooler’ than most other cartoon characters of his era, but still with the capability to be as cute, wholesome and inherently charming as his competition. Like the perfect little blend of the sarcastic wit of Bugs Bunny and the lovable personability of Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat.

Many Sonic clones of the 1990s like Bubsy, Aero the Acrobat, and Zero the [CENSORED] Squirrel tried to piggyback off of Sonic in this manner by trying to play up Sonic’s edgy, snarky appeal, but what they lack is that more wholesome, laid back, simple, round and friendly aspects of his design. It’s why Sonic can look like this:

but also like this

like this

but also like this.

It’s why Sonic works so well as a cartoon character in animated shorts and cartoons, as well as an action character in high octane blood pumping action anime, and one of the reasons why I think his design is so appealing. It’s this, this perfect balance between cool superhero and cuddly, wholesome cartoon character that makes Sonic such the iconic character he is.

So what’s the point of me telling you that?

Well, lots of people disagree on what Sonic the Hedgehog’s tone should be, and what audience Sonic should appeal to. Many argue Sonic is a series strictly meant for children, and therefore shouldn’t take any risks and be cutesy, wholesome and bouncy. Others argue Sonic should market itself to teenagers and young adults by pushing its envelope with it’s material and turning itself into a giant melodrama with three-dimensional characters, intertwining relationships and giant, epic Dragon Ball Z style showdowns with blood, guts and the crunching of noses and teeth.

You know what’s popular right now though and seems to have been for a while? A blend of those exact two things.

It sounds dumb but, think about it. Video games and cartoons have been taking this turn toward being a little bit of the best of both worlds. Steven Universe, Undertale/Deltarune, Star Vs. The Forces of Evil, even stuff like Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, that sort of thing.

So, I think a new Sonic reboot should be an Action/Adventure-Comedy. It’s a series about long, lengthy quests and the ongoing war between nature and machine, but it’s also about a quick-witted cartoon character having fun picking on an overconfident evil scientist and his lackeys.

And you know what? I think Sonic is and has shown that this is the environment he flourishes in. Think about why Sonic Mania Adventures and Team Sonic Racing: Overdrive work so well, or why OK KO: Let’s Meet Sonic! is so great! It places Sonic and co. in an environment in which they have the opportunity to be funny and cartoony, but also leaves itself open to lead into more strict action sequences or serious, emotional moments, should it feel the need to. It lets the characters be the characters, without being impeded by everything needed to be babyproofed, but also not interrupted by fanfic-tier melodramatics every 2 and a half minutes. And, considering how much any media featuring Sonic relies on its characters to garner appeal, this is important.

Besides that, this is also important for something I think is going to make this reboot go from good to great.

: ✧･ﾟ: U N I F I C A T I O N ! :･ﾟ✧ : 

I’ve said this before in my other essay on how I’d reboot Sonic, but I truly feel that bringing together a lot of different elements of Sonic’s history together for this reboot is a top-notch idea for not only bringing the series back together whilst maintaining a wide appeal but also broaden the scope of potential characters, settings, and plot points we can work with, rather than just limiting it to just the classic era, or just the modern era, it also might leave veteran fans wondering just who or what was going to show up in the next game, or next episode!

Why limit ourselves to just a classic-style series or just a modern-style series? Why not mix it up a little?

Let’s take the cute classic stuff and mix it with some of the cool modern stuff!

I mean of course there’s gonna be purists but, hey, if we have a little bit of both we might just start seeing eye to eye!

So, what does that mean for the audience? Well, I think in that sense, Sonic should be able to appeal to, about anyone, really. Adults, Kids, Teenagers, anyone. It’d be like going to see a Marvel Superhero movie in the theaters or watching Spongebob on TV, yeah, it’d be something kids enjoy, but also something young adults can appreciate too. Although if we absolutely have to stick to a demographic, I’d say the ideal targets for a Sonic the Hedgehog reboot are two groups of people specifically.

Older fans of the series who grew up with the Adventure and Classic games, and Younger people who are more familiar with the modern games. As far as drawing new people or embittered old fans in?... Well, we’ll get to that.

Plot synopsis

It may seem like a no-brainer what the plot of Sonic the Hedgehog is, right? Well, of course it is. It’s been the same for over 20 years, and, I think the premise? Is fine.

“Sonic the Hedgehog is the fastest thing alive and a protector of nature who loves adventure. He’s smarmy and mischevious, but with a heart of gold and an unshakable sense of justice with a can-do attitude. His archnemesis, Dr. Eggman, wants to take over his natural, sprawling home and begin building his planet-conquering empire in its place. It’s up to Sonic and his group of friends to defeat Dr. Eggman, and restore peace to the world, and the green back to the hills.”

This? Right here? This is Sonic the Hedgehog. No matter who you ask, from any branch of the franchises thousand-foot tall family tree, this is Sonic the Hedgehog. There’s a couple of doodads and twists here and there depending on the specific game, but that’s really honestly it when you break it all down, that’s the plot of almost every Sonic game. But this can easily get lost and bogged down between all of the God-summoning and all that shit that other Sonic media does.

So, let’s keep the focus on this, and this alone. Just the ongoing misadventures, setbacks, leaps forward, threats and triumphs between Sonic and Co. and the forces of evil.

...(But let’s add the Chaos Emeralds and Master Emerald, I don’t think I can stand having a Sonic continuity without them and they make for good plot fodder, plus, I’ll be damned if I’m not seeing Super Sonic by the time a series finale or end-of-game hits.)

Setting + Background Lore

So, to set a location, let’s dumb down where Sonic actually lives. (Figuratively anyway, Sonic has no true home, just places he likes to be at any one time.)

In the Genesis days, Sonic lived on a tiny island called South Island, and the game’s settings often took place on South Island or on it’s neighboring islands Westside and Angel Island, and, given how important these old zones, like Green Hill and Chemical Plant Zone, are to the current Sonic Canon, I propose that maybe the setting for this potential reboot takes place on said islands, with one island for each of the cardinal directions on a compass, but also some of the other islands that are included in the Sonic series (as well as some adjusted ones!)

And, as a reference to the days of yore, we could even call it

The Mobius Archipelago

Each of these islands would have their own unique areas (referred to as ‘Zones’ for both nostalgia and convenience’s sake) based on the different levels from Sonic games. I’m unsure of the exact geography of these islands in question, but, you get the idea if you’re at all familiar with the canon, South Island has all the zones from Sonic 1 (16 and 8 Bit), Sonic Chaos and Sonic 2 (8-bit), Westside Island has all the zones from Sonic 2 and a couple from Sonic Mania, Angel Island has all the Zones from Sonic 3 & Knuckles, North Island is essentially a fusion of all the different Eggman Zones (Crystal Egg, Sleeping Egg, Scrap Brain, Metropolis, Eggmanland, Robotropolis, Robotnik Winter, the zones from SegaSonic the Hedgehog, etc.), Flicky’s Island has all of the zones from Sonic 3D Blast, Cocoa Island has all the zones from Tails Skypatrol and Tails Adventure, Mirage Island has all the zones from Sonic 4 and also Never Lake, and Little Planet (and hence all the zones from Sonic CD) you get the idea.

I’m unsure what exactly Eastside Island would have on it, but I figured that Sonic games have so many zones and levels across so many games, surely something would find a nice home on that island, perhaps some of the zones from Sonic Mania, Sonic Blast, maybe even the Adventure games, who knows? But, inevitably, space is going to run out on those other islands and we’ll likely have zones or locations that’ll be good for the series to have.

And then, we also have a mainland sprinkled with City. This is where your Adventure/Modern style cities are, Station Square, City Escape, that sort of thing.

It may not seem like much, considering some Sonic games have settings that span entire planets, but when you think about how many zones are crammed into a few little islands in the genesis titles alone, it’s hardly a limited setting.

The natives of this island chain would be Mobians and Mobini. Mobians are your typical Sonic characters, your Sonics, your Tailses, your Knuckleses, and so on and so forth. They’re the more humanoid animals. Mobini, on the other hand would be all of the smaller animals, the kind that Sonic frees from badniks or are just knockin about doing little woodland creature things. For more information on Mobini, I’ve included a little blip about them in the ‘Side Protagonists’ part of this little shanty ‘pitch guide’.

Humans would live on the mainland, although some researchers and scientists would visit the Archipelago every so often because of it’s mysterious ‘new frontier’ kind of appeal, even if Mobians find their research a little weird.

Generally, Humans also keep to the mainland, and Mobians keep to their islands, but, make no mistake, Mobians and Humans don’t hate each other. Some Mobians and Mobini have taken to the urban lifestyle, whereas some humans have taken to the natural wonder of the Archipelago, starting environmentally friendly cities and towns in the sleepy groves and corners of this untamed wilderness.

This Archipelago would be the point of focus for our Main Characters because, well, it’s their native home, and it’d draw our Main Villains because this island is also home to the Seven Chaos Emeralds, and their Master Emerald.

The Chaos Emeralds are the main MacGuffins of the Sonic series, and for good reason! Gathering all seven of these things grants their holder infinite access to chaos energy, a kind of force that will turn their thoughts into power, whether positive or negative. While most Mobians would prefer to leave the Chaos Emeralds alone, due to them causing, well, chaos, villains seek these gems out on purpose so that they can easier accomplish their goals. However, if a hero were to gather all seven chaos emeralds, and had enough purity, desire for good, and strength in their heart, the emeralds will grant them immense power, too.

Upon a vast amount of energy being used however, the Emeralds will scatter across the Archipelago, waiting for their next holders to come, and initiate chaos once more.

And then, there’s the Master Emerald. The Master Emerald is very similar to the Chaos Emeralds, and contains tenfold the amount of energy of a full set of Chaos Emeralds, but also acts as an on/off switch for the Chaos Emeralds. The Master Emerald can completely drain the Chaos Emeralds of their power, or multiply their power exponentially if one knows how to control it, making the Master Emerald incredibly valuable too. However, villains usually tend to opt for the Chaos Emeralds instead, not only because legends of the Master Emerald are believed to be false, or even if it is real, no one knows how to control it, but the Master Emerald is also said to have a guardian. A very, very angry guardian.

There’s also the lesser-known Time Stones.

The Time Stones reside on Little Planet, an anomalous celestial body that appears only once every year over Never Lake on Mirage Island. These stones seemed to have formed in a similar fashion to the Chaos Emeralds, but rather than bending SPACE to the will of their holders, the Time Stones will instead, bend Time. The Time Stones, for this reason, are even more dangerous than the Chaos Emeralds and are responsible for many of the temporal anomalies within the Archipelago. Due to their danger, the Time Stones see much more infrequent use than the Chaos Emeralds, and keeping them on Little Planet as opposed to bringing them to the surface of the Earth is much safer, as the Time Stones will only seemingly affect the time stream of Little Planet and not the Earth.

The Time Stones won’t matter until later in the series when Sonic and Co. start tampering with time, and for a while, the focus will remain on the Chaos Emeralds and Master Emerald.

But enough about where Sonic lives, let’s look at him and the rest of our colorful main cast, shall we?

Main Protagonists

Hooh, boy I am not gonna make many friends with this decision, am I?

This is kinda where my reboot starts to get a lot little tiny bit more personal, but, I have reasoning behind picking who I pick. The characters I’d pick to be the main protagonists, as in the characters that the viewers of the cartoon series, readers of the comic, or players of the games are going to be:

A) Playing as

B) Rooting for

C) Following throughout most of the adventures.

are as follows:

Sonic the Hedgehog

Miles “Tails” Prower

Knuckles the Echidna

Amy Rose

Mighty the Armadillo

Ray the Flying Squirrel

The first two seem obvious enough, Sonic and Tails are the two spotlight protagonists of most Sonic games and are the two chief playable characters in most games of the Genesis Era. Knuckles should come as no surprise either for the same reason, although I’ll touch on Knuckles later when I assess the protagonists on an individual level. 

I chose Amy as one of the leads because, well, Amy frankly hasn’t seen that much time in the sun as a true character, and I feel like that’s a shame given her longevity in the series, being with us ever since CD. Her most complex appearance was in Sonic Adventure 1 and even then, she’s kinda reduced to the same traits as her white-bread, palid, boring, Genesis counterpart. While I would like to have another female character so Amy isn’t a ‘token chick’, I don’t really want to shake up the formula too much.

Mighty and Ray are a little bit different. With the release of Sonic Mania Plus though, I feel that Mighty and Ray are more relevant now than they ever were, and considering their placement as main characters in Mania Plus, I think that we could really benefit from their addition to the main lineup of Sonic’s friends! Sure, Mighty and Ray don’t have much personality, but maybe this is where we can change that and give these lost stars a chance to sparkle as main characters after spending so long in the shadows of the past!

However, I do wanna state, that I understand if some people feel Mighty and Ray are irrelevant. I get that, really, I do. It’s one of the things in this projected reboot that I feel is much more personally appealing to me than it is ‘what I think is best for the Sonic franchise’. Put plain and simple, Mighty and Ray are just... not as popular as other Sonic characters. And, adding these two to the roster of main characters means that the main character count skyrockets from an easily manageable 4 to 6, which can seem like a bit much to some people I’ll agree, and means that they’ll likely see more screentime than other popular protagonist characters like Cream, Silver or even Blaze. But, at the same time, I also feel that if they’re popular enough to be included in Sonic Mania Plus, then there at least is some interest in the fan community of them being relevant, regular characters again. And, what better niche for them to fit into than being two of Sonic’s close friends again while going on adventures with him regularly?

(Side note, I also felt like including Sticks as a main character, and I may come back to that idea later if I end up making any content for this reboot, but as it stands I felt 7 main characters were just a bit too much, although it would’ve been cool to have a character for each Chaos Emerald, and I think there are a lot of real, genuine comedic possibilities, as well as some unique action choreography from her.)

I also don’t think Sonic’s design or the design of his friends need to be changed around too terribly much for a reboot? (Although there are some characters I think could benefit from a rework, but Sonic and MOST of the main characters are okay imo) There’s a lot of contention on Sonic’s design in any sense but, personally? I think Sonic’s designs can actually be pretty well unified, all things considered. I think Sonic could benefit from a few design ADJUSTMENTS, but maybe not a full-scale redesign like Sonic Boom.

For instance, these early concepts for Dreamcast Sonic are an excellent starting place, as I feel they capture the spirit of all three versions of Sonic pretty well all things considered, save for their quills being a little long. the proportions on them are a little off, however, with a couple of adjustments, I think this could actually be a really good idea.

Nendoroid Sonic is also pretty close to what I think a unified Sonic design could look like, if someone held a gun to my head and told me to pick an ideal new design for Sonic, it’d probably be very close to this.

(Credit to JaysonJeanChannel on DA for this render of Nendoroid Sonic.)

Or, even moving back a little bit, “Toei Sonic“, although kind of overrated in my opinion, is a really nice compromise between the cutesy, cartoony nature of the original versions of Sonic, while still updating Sonic to be more obviously sleek, sharp and spring-loaded for his modern audiences, and is full of personality. That’s not to say I think Toei Sonic should be the new face of Sonic the Hedgehog for years to come, but it’d be a great starting point to work from, given that Toei is a version of Sonic suited for intense, rubberhosy, slippery animations.

In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that Sonic looks like Sonic, and not like a weird little blue goblin if the backlash on the first pass of the Sonic Movie is any indication? We shouldn’t try to fix what isn’t broken, I just think that maybe trying out a hybrid between classic and modern Sonic to see how people feel about it might be a nice compromise between those who prefer Classic Sonic vs. those who prefer Modern or Adventure Sonic, again, unification, the best of both worlds.

That being said, let’s have a look-see into each character individually, shall we? For this, I’ll give a name, my projected voice actor for them, and a little blurb about their personality, as well as a short list of their abilities.

I’ll also try to justify my reasons for some stuff that people may consider odd after all of the character bios.

Sonic the Hedgehog:

Voice Actor: Ben Schwartz/James Arnold Taylor

Sonic is heroic, ambitious, and a complete adrenaline junkie. He'll take on any challenge that's given to him in the history of forever, even if absolutely knows it's impossible or he could get hurt trying to do it or he's absolutely not skilled enough at what he's doing to do it. Hence, Sonic is extremely competitive and gets easily absorbed in things he does, even around friends. Sonic tends to not look before he leaps as he's able to get himself out of situations so easily, preferring to live on his feet without thinking too hard about anything, although he's not dumb by any stretch of the imagination and will slow down and strategize if he absolutely needs to, and will always be willing to slow down for someone in need. Sonic is cocky, snarky, and believes a little too much in himself, he has an ego the size of the sun and will do anything he has to protect his image, especially how he views himself. Sonic also has an incredible amount of attitude and makes fun of people he doesn't like or thinks deserve it with insulting nicknames or cruel jokes, often being sarcastic and witty even at the worst of times to be. Although Sonic tries as hard as he can to keep his cool a lot of the time and prefers to live without consequences or regrets on his mind, when he's angry, sometimes he can lash out at people and can become downright completely rude when upset. Sonic is also something of a juvenile delinquent, often breaking rules just because he can or he thinks it's fun or funny, which often gets him into trouble. Sonic EXTREMELY Dislikes being called 'slow' or things being faster than he is (often wanting to prove his mettle against whatever is faster than him even if it hurts him), and has even less patience for slowing down unless he absolutely has to. He hates to wait and hates to be kept waiting, oftentimes getting bored and leaving in mere seconds if a situation doesn't matter that much to him, although he's known to show much, much more patience when people are hurt, or upset, and has an affinity for relaxing for long periods of time with friends after lengthy expeditions and adventures. Sonic hates to see innocent people cry or have their feelings hurt and will often get  extremely upset at the cause depending on the person/situation, and believes that any situation he can tend to is important (as he often can do things so quickly it's often no trouble for him.) 

Abilities:

Insta-Shield (Allows Sonic to deflect incoming projectiles with precise timing. This also extends Sonic’s hitbox a bit so it can inflict damage, and gives him invincibility frames!)

Wall Jump (Sonic can wall jump, but they need to be timed properly, as when Sonic lands on a wall, he’ll begin to slide, sliding down a wall for too long will cause Sonic to slip and eventually fall.)

Super Spin Dash (Sonic can rev his spin dash up much faster and much more efficiently than other characters, Sonic’s spin dash also has higher maximum propulsion, and will break walls much quicker.)

Super Peel Out

Light Dash (Using the light dash on a trail of rings will allow Sonic to pick up vast amounts of speed instantly by traveling along a trail of rings, being slingshotted out of the trail at an intense speed, the longer the trail of rings is, the faster he’ll be when he comes out of the trail, but also the more vulnerable he’ll be when he’s flung out of the trail. Sonic can also easily reclaim his fallen rings by light dashing, but there’s no guarantee you won’t go flying into the hazard you just tried to avoid when you do.)

Can use the abilities of elemental shields

Miles "Tails" Prower: 

Voice Actor: Collen Villard 

Tails is Sonic's closest friend. Tails is very intelligent and is something of an amateur technician, roboticist and mechanic, although he specializes in work with aircrafts, small-scale robotics, and computer systems. Frequently he prefers a much slower, methodical approach to problems as opposed to rushing into everything headfirst like Sonic does. Often relies on his intuition over instinct. Tails feels he and Sonic hold a kind of 'mutual responsibility' over each other to keep each other safe, hence Tails keeps Sonic out of trouble or from doing things that are REALLY REALLY stupid, but most of the time, Tails likes to indulge in Sonic's antics with him and even enjoys being kind of silly or being a rebel with him. Tails really looks up to Sonic and wants to have the same kind of respect, cool and wit that he does, however, in doing this, because of his low self-esteem, Tails will often ignore a lot of his more positive traits and attempt to mimic Sonic instead in an effort to seem 'cool', which can really make him do some out-of-place or seemingly strange things at times when he doesn't mean it because he can be a little shy to be himself. Tails is a firmly humble inventor and often attributes his successes to the support of others more often than his own work, and he will not ever invent anything for the purpose of competing with someone or for the sake of jealousy, believing that his best work comes from his heart.

Abilities:

Flying (This would be nerfed significantly from Sonic Mania and S3&K so Tails couldn’t just fly over everything. Tails’ gameplay should encourage exploration in more ways than just one.)

Spin Dash

Tinkering (Allows Tails to reverse conveyor belts, turn off sawblades, and do other shit to help him get through mechanical levels.)

Ring Bomb (Short range projectile at the cost of rings, explodes in a small radius)

Remote Robot (Allows Tails to explore places he can’t otherwise get to at the cost of 1 ring per second)

Knuckles the Echidna: 

Voice Actor: Dan Green 

The key word to Knuckles is STRESS. Knuckles is the guardian of the Master Emerald, and boy does he take his job seriously, being the very last living Mobian Echidna, and being very in-tune with his family and extended tribe's history. He has an inherent connection with the Master Emerald that allows him to sense it's location, wherever it might be, if this feeling of his is tampered with only slightly, it sends Knuckles into an incredible, panicked rage that can only be quelled by returning the gem to where he left it, or by retrieving the gemstone from whoever stole or moved it. He will only leave the emerald alone for long periods of time once he is one-hundred percent confident no one will touch it or move it (and even then he oftentimes gets worried about it anyway) and hence, interacts with Team Sonic on a more infrequent basis because of this (although he still has plenty of moments dedicated to him.) However, when not guarding the Emerald and forced to loosen up and relax, one can find that Knuckles is rather stoic and full of quote en quote 'sage-advice' (or rather stuff that seems and can be profound but can also be kind of insane ramblings from someone who spends too much time alone with some rock.) He often doesn't understand Sonic's more urban lifestyle, preferring his more traditional, simple 'off the fat of the land' kind of life, but he's surprisingly receptive to new things (unless said new thing gets the emerald stolen of course.) Knuckles is also incredibly suspicious and paranoid of people, even believing people he's close to having the capability of turning on him, and because of this, he's incredibly gullible when it comes to people 'changing' or 'turning evil' or 'wanting to take the Master Emerald', although he's usually smart enough to not fall for the same trick twice... or at least, not for a while after it happens once. Because of his ability to be tricked so easily, and because tricking him often leads to bad things, Knuckles' temper and patience are very short, and very small things easily can make him very upset. Knuckles actually has a weakness for romance, being such a lonely soul, he often gets shy and acts noticeably different (read: Happier) around people that can charm him, but often won't admit it.

Abilities:

Gliding

Climbing

Spin Dash

Burrowing (works sort of like the burrow mechanic from Sonic Adventure 1 and 2, except Knuckles can remain and move underground for a bit to be invincible, although this ability is very limited and cannot be done on metal or synthetic flooring.)

Melee Attacks (Knuckles can punch things in a short range, nuff said.)

Amy Rose: 

Voice Actor: Kristen Schaal 

Amy is positive, bubbly, loud and honestly kind of a silly airhead sometimes. Although at first, it seems there's very little to her, there's actually a lot more to her than her outward appearance would suggest. Amy tends to not judge people by their looks or by their behaviors, and is very open-minded and emotional, often getting choked up over things she really doesn't need to. Amy is also pretty selfless, willing to help people without any benefit to herself or any reason besides being a good person, although that's not to say she just lets people walk all over her. Amy is also something of a social butterfly, having connections with about everyone anyone else even remotely knows, and can easily tell you all about them and will want you to meet them upon even the mention of their name. Her inherent energy makes her a lot to deal with at once, even people like Sonic, Tails, and Mighty can get tired of her very quickly, even if it's very clear that she means well. She also makes for a great therapist and is willing to help anyone with problems they might be having, even if they push her away at first. However, Amy isn't all the girly girl she seems sometimes and has kind of a violent edge, anyone who pushes her around or says anything bad about her friends is gonna get walloped with her hammer, and believe me, you don't ever quite forget a feeling like being Piko'd by Amy Rose. On this note, Amy also kinda... doesn't know her own strength, and can seem stronger than Knuckles, or even Mighty at times because she just absolutely does not know her limits, expect lots of spine-crushing hugs.

Abilities:

Triple Jump (Amy can jump three times in succession, however, each jump significantly degrades in height boost. Her normal jump will go the highest and her third jump will go the lowest. Because of this ability, Amy also does not spin when she jumps, meaning she can’t defeat Badniks or damage enemies by jumping on them, she won’t take damage from bouncing on them, it just won’t destroy them.)

Hammer Smash (A mid-range melee attack that will destroy most enemies instantly.)

Hammer Spin (Both an Aerial attack to make up for the fact Amy can’t spin jump and a dash attack to make up for the fact Amy can’t spin dash.)

Peel Out (Functions similarly to the peel out in Sonic Advance or Sonic 2: Pink Edition, replaces the Spin Dash.)

Mighty the Armadillo: 

Voice Actor: Beck Bennett/Travis Willingham 

Mighty is one of Sonic's oldest friends and is his foil in a lot of ways. He prefers to take his time with a lot of things and doesn't really mind going slow. Mighty is something of a 'meathead', he's naive, and kinda absentminded at times, even if he doesn't mean to be. Mighty is very strong and takes incredible pride in his abilities much like Sonic. He adores his own strength and quote en quote 'manliness' and will do anything to keep his ego inflated and his muscles bigger than everyone else's' (as opposed to Knuckles who views his strength as a humble reward for his years of training). Despite this, he has a very brotherly (read: dudebro) sense of personality though and likes to call people 'bro' and 'sis', and has a habit of saying 'not cool' when things don't go right or when people wrong him. Most of the time, Mighty's slow and naive ways can make him easily influenced into believing things (like conspiracies and the idea protein powder actually does things), and he's not afraid to speak his mind, often coming off as insensitive (which is how he got kicked out of Team Chaotix), when really, he just doesn't happen to know any better, although most of the time he really does mean well. Mighty also really likes to hear himself talk, oftentimes telling long-winded stories or going on long-winded rants or explanations. He tends to butt heads with Sonic and Knuckles, who get annoyed sometimes by his easygoing, borderline dim-witted nature, oftentimes reminding him of obvious things that are happening/have happened. However, Mighty greatly cares for his friends, and the one thing he absolutely will never bend on is he will not ever hurt someone who didn't do him wrong, and despite his naivety, Mighty's incredible sense of justice always triumphs over his unassuming nature. He's also Ray's best friend and will defend Ray over any other person.

Abilities:

Natural Armor (Allows Mighty to take one free hit from spikes, and defeat spiked enemies without being harmed. If a projectile hits Mighty while he’s spinning or jumping, the projectile will bounce off of his armor. This is only while Mighty is spinning, attacks from the back or while Mighty is running will still land.)

Hammer Drop (A ‘stomp’ attack that allows Mighty to crush most Badniks instantly, and will also instantly crush breakable objects and solid blocks much faster than other characters.)

Spin Dash

Mighty Arm (If Mighty presses an action button near an enemy, monitor or breakable item, Mighty will pick it up. While picking something up, Mighty will move slower and his jump will be downgraded, but he can throw the item to deal heavy damage to whatever it hits! And, picking up certain enemies or items may just come with some surprises!)

Super Wall Jump (Mighty can wall-jump much like Sonic, but upon sticking to the wall, Mighty will hang there, and will only slide down at the player’s discretion.)

Ray the Flying Squirrel: 

Voice Actor: Debi Derryberry 

Ray is neat, quiet, shy, easily disturbed and has a bit of a stutter to his voice. Ray tends to be sort of asocial compared to other members of Team Sonic and prefers not to get in the way if he thinks he's being a bother. However, despite this, Ray is much smarter than he might seem and has a level of resourcefulness to a point that even trumps Tails (who is much more intelligent) at times. Despite being so shy and cowardly, when he gets the chance, Ray is more than willing to do whatever it takes for the greater good, even if he's afraid to do so. Mighty is his best friend, and he gets obsessively worried about Mighty when he's not around, often worrying that he's wandered off or might have been hurt, kidnapped, etc. this often leads to Ray trying to find his friend or panicking that he's 'gone missing', even if Mighty was right under his nose the whole time, ironic, given his intuition and incredibly eagle-eyed nature. Much like Mighty as well, Ray can also be a little bit naive, although usually less so than Mighty himself.

Abilities:

Soaring (Ray will glide and can sweep upwards to gain height at a cost of speed, but also dip downwards to gain speed at a cost of height.)

Lite-Climbing (Ray can climb, and he can climb much faster than Knuckles, but players will need to position themselves carefully, as Ray can’t climb forever, and will eventually slip and fall, the more speed Ray has when Ray collides with the wall, the faster and longer he can climb it.)

Scout-Sense (Ray is able to detect hidden items nearby like Giant Rings, 1up Monitors, and power-ups, once Ray moves close enough to an item, an exclamation point will appear above his head, and the item he notices will be outlined in yellow.)

Dismantle (With similar timing to Sonic’s insta-shield, Ray can choose to land on a badnik instead of destroying it (even if he lands on something like a Shellcracker’s claw or Bubbles when spiked out), and he will begin to unscrew the badnik until it breaks. This rewards Ray with rings or more hidden items, and can make tricky badniks like Asteron and Shellcracker more bearable to deal with! This also works on bosses, except dismantling a boss will only cause a hit of damage to the boss, although Ray can stay latched on to deal multiple hits of damage if he isn’t knocked off!)

Hookay, if you’re not winded by all those character bios, let me try to explain some of my reasoning. I won’t be doing this with later characters because this post is already the size of a fucking dump truck, but, here we go anyway.

Yes. I chose Ben Schwartz over Roger Craig Smith and Jason Griffith for Sonic. No. I don’t hate Jason Griffith or Roger Craig Smith’s voices for Sonic. Yes, I realize Ben is going to play Sonic in the Movie. I know. But, you know what? I think Ben is the perfect person to play Sonic, he’s able to inflect a real smarmy teenager vibe and I DO like that a LOT. But Ben can also play a deeper or moodier teenager too, and I feel like that’s important for Sonic’s character just as much. Jason Griffith and Roger Craig Smith make a 15-year-old sound like he’s 24. Moving on.

I think Sonic needs to not be such a prep sometimes like he is in Colors, Generations, and Forces. Like, I get that Sonic is all about doing the right thing, but, Sonic is also a smarty-pants delinquent who disrespects authority because he can. There’s this great video on the design analysis of City Escape from Sonic Adventure 2 that shows just how much of a jerk Sonic is toward people he doesn’t care for, and how he feels about obeying rules and regulations. I feel being an asshole toward people he doesn’t like, is part of Sonic’s character, it’s just we need to make him an asshole in the right direction. Sonic can be a Bugs Bunny if we let him, it’s just that it shouldn’t be completely overblown... otherwise, we get STC Sonic.

Tails needs to do more things, and not sit on the sidelines like he does in Unleashed, Colors, and Forces. He does things in Sonic Adventure and Sonic Boom, hence this version of Tails is based more on those versions OF Tails. I don’t hate Unleashed and Colors Tails, but I feel the objectively superior version of Tails comes more from Boom (who I also feel captures all of the good things about Modern Tails ANYWAY) and Adventure (which is Tails at his most resourceful, intelligent and helpful.)

Knuckles needs to be not stupid. We can make other characters stupid, but Knuckles is not stupid, Mania made Knuckles stupid and I hate that because it’s never been who Knuckles is. Sure, he’s a bit of a dense knucklehead, but he’s not dumb, just dense, which is my problem with Boom Knuckles. There’s more to his reasons for why he does things the way he does than he doesn’t know better. He’s stubborn, he’s prone to anger, he’s traditional and very much centered on the past he never had, he worries, he panics. I don’t think Boom Knuckles is a bad character, I just think making KNUCKLES the character to get this personality was kind of a bad idea. 

Amy just needs a better-developed personality. Seriously, she’s, already kinda set in stone in terms of who she is, it just needs to be expanded upon. But, Amy kinda already has the groundwork laid out for her with Boom and Modern, it’s just it needs to be molded a little bit.

Mighty comes from the classic era, and he, therefore, has no real, defining personality traits besides being a wall-jumping armadillo. I think Mighty could easily inherit Boom Knux’s personality, (as I feel a character named ‘Mighty’ would have kind of a strongman, meathead personality) but maybe changed up a bit. Instead of being just, dumb, I think Mighty being more oblivious than just stupid is better, plus, at any one time, most of the characters in-game or onscreen are able to deduce what’s going on instantly, having Mighty be a contrast to that is interesting. I also think a slow, easygoing lifestyle is kinda befitting to the Mighty we’ve seen recently, given that he doesn’t seem to emote all that much when Ray finally finds him after he’s been missing for, well, a good while, and doesn’t seem to know his own strength all the time. The only other information I know about Mighty is that he doesn’t like to fight all that much and he’s similar to Sonic, so I tried to include aspects of Sonic in his personality, but also make him kind where he can be.

If Ray’s SegaSonic sprites are anything to go by, Ray just might be a little bit of a scaredy-cat. And, I think this would make for an interesting dynamic between Ray and the rest of the team, he’d make a nice Luigi to everyone’s Mario, a character who is afraid, but willing to set aside his fears for the greater good and even for himself. He’d also be #relatable to the stressed-out teenage and young adult audience he’d be appealing to. 

Side Protagonists

Here are my choices for side-protagonists in this reboot. These are ‘friendly characters’, characters that the main 6 characters regularly interact with, but are just not focused on as much. These characters would probably not be playable (except for Silver and Blaze MAYBE.)

The Mobini

Espio the Chameleon

Charmy Bee

Vector the Crocodile

Cream the Rabbit (and Cheese the Chao)

Big the Cat (and Froggy)

Silver the Hedgehog

Blaze the Cat

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

wHerE’s TeaM DaRK?!

Just, chill out..., okay? I’ll get to Team Dark in a minute.

I’d also like to clarify if this became a series, Silver and Blaze are probably not going to become relevant characters until much LATER in? I feel like Silver and Blaze should be saved for a very specific time in the reboot’s continuity and I’ll explain that later when we get into how I’d set this series’s continuity up, but there’s a very specific reason why I want to save Silver and Blaze for when the time is right, not because I hate Silver and Blaze, but because I think it’d make the most sense.

I also feel like the Chaotix should appear a lot more and play more of an active role in this new hypothetical reboot than they do in most modern Sonic games... and let’s make them a team of vigilantes instead of detectives. A team of vigilantes that uses TEAMWORK!... And combi-rings!

...Oh and while we’re here, let’s make Cheese a Hero Chao, mkay?

But enough talk about general things! Let’s dive into each of them individually!

The Mobini:

Voice Actor: Various, it’s likely mobini won’t need voices so much as varying sound effects.

The Mobini are the local, native, feral fauna of the world of this new Sonic reboot, all your normal birds, insects, lizards, fish, mammals, et cetera are all Mobini. Mobini, are mysterious creatures, as they harbor an inherent connection to the Chaos Emeralds, and are believed to contain small fractions of the Emeralds’ infinite energy. The Mobini are what first drew Dr. Eggman to the Archipelago in which South Island resides, as with this small portion of infinite energy within them, they can be used as organic batteries to power machines indefinitely!... Although this makes them very unhappy. Contrary to what you may think, Mobini are actually sentient, and remember friendly faces... and unfriendly ones too, so be kind! If you’re ever in trouble or lost in the sprawling forests of the Mobius Archipelago, Mobini may just be able to help you out. The most curious kind of Mobini are Flickies, small little birds native to Flicky’s Island and South Island (although they’ve seemed to branch out more recently), who are said to have an even closer connection to the Emeralds, and can even hold a super form! The phenomenon of Super Flickies is incredibly rare, but when it happens, Super Flickies will be more than willing to lend their power to someone who needs it.

Chao are a special type of genetically unstable Mobini that have no ‘Earthly’ counterpart. From the time a Chao is born to the time they pass away, a Chao will gain the traits of its parent, it’s friends, and or it’s caregiver. This makes Chao ideal pets, as their personality will adapt to suit their owner, this makes Chao not only incredibly diverse but surprisingly intelligent. Just be kind to Chao... you don’t want to know what kind of horror being unkind to these little creatures can lead to.

Espio the Chameleon:

Voice Actor: Phil LaMarr

The de-facto leader of the Chaotix, and the most responsible of the team, Espio is a lot quieter than most of the main cast, and much prefers the sound of a rushing, serene stream over loud, punchy rock music. With a powerful, free-flowing fighting style inspired by martial arts, Espio is an honorable fighter, believing only in fighting fair and straight and without exploiting an opponent’s extreme weaknesses. While he tends to be sort of reclusive and becomes easily annoyed by the antics of the Chaotix and Team Sonic, he’s a lot more unshakable than he looks, and actually kind of likes the excitement from time to time. He also has a long, sticky tongue which he happens to be embarrassed by, but sees more use as a tool than he’d like to admit. Espio will often dictate his mood or state of mind to people by changing his color.

Espio’s weapons of choice are giant shuriken, which he seems to be able to pull out of hammerspace.

Abilities:

Color changing

Partial Invisibility (Espio can cloak himself to appear invisible, as long as he stands still and isn’t connected to anything. This ability sees more frequent use when Espio is alone, as it doesn’t really apply much when he fights with his team.)

Combi-Ring Fighting Style

Tornado Spin (Similar to Sonic’s Spin Dash, except Espio spins horizontally instead of vertically, the tornado spin is very slow compared to the Spin Dash, but it’s just as deadly.)

Tongue (Much like Yoshi, Espio’s tongue can be used to grapple onto things with a surprising amount of force, either to pull them toward Espio, or Espio can ‘tongue punch’ things. He hates to do this.)

Charmy Bee:

Voice Actor: Sam Lavagnino (Ideally anyway, I understand if he’d be unable to, but imagine it! Catbug as Charmy Bee!)

A ‘junior member’ of the Chaotix, Charmy is a little bee in training to become a vigilante! However, he’s a little too excited about that fact sometimes. He’s meant to be cute and lovable, but also a realistic child fighting against things he probably shouldn’t be fighting against. It’s hard to hate him when he means so well though and tries his very best at anything he does. In this new reboot, Charmy also gains a small affliction toward electricity!

Abilities:

Flight (no duh.)

Combi-Ring Fighting Style (Charmy is surprisingly adept at carrying his fellow Chaotix members around with a Combi-Ring in hand, with Charmy around this can make for some high-octane, high-momentum fighting due to Charmy being so lightweight and quick.)

Volt Sting (Charmy can use his stinger, and believe me, it hurts. Fortunately, Charmy can sting more than once! and his sting will deliver an electric shock to anything it touches, this is bad news for anything mechanical, or wet!)

Thunder Shoot (Charmy can instantly ground any flying enemy by electrifying an ally and tossing them at the flying enemy!)

Vector the Crocodile:

Voice Actor: Keith Silverstein (Although I’m open to someone else if everyone else if sick of FIND THE COMPUTER ROOM!)

The Chaotix’s greedy, but fiercely defensive ‘leader’ (he’s able to make tough decisions a lot better than Espio, but he isn’t very responsible in many ways). Vector got into the whole vigilante business because of the money he could gain from it, but after meeting Charmy and Espio, his whole world changed, and the rough-and-tough reptile has found a new calling, being a leader. Although Vector is often harsh, blunt, and dismissive, he’s also incredibly resourceful and has an eye for small details, so if he does push you away, it’s likely because he has a hunch on something related to it.

Abilities:

Air Dash (Vector can dash in any direction while in the air. This does not protect him from harm.)

Death Roll (Vector’s trademark donut-like Spin Dash, it’s a bit less controllable than a traditional Spin Dash but it’s immensely powerful because of Vector’s spiked back.)

Combi-Ring Fighting Style (Vector specializes in a ‘wrecking ball’ sort of display with his fighting style, performing a Death Roll followed by his opponents flinging him into something by way of Thunder Shoot or Espio’s speed.) Vector can also achieve the same effect by flinging Charmy or Espio into an opponent, or by ‘holding’ (think Knuckles Chaotix) them.

Fire Combination + Volcanic Dunk* (While Espio is tornado spinning and Charmy is spinning as well, Vector can grab the both of them to make ‘fighting gloves’ of sorts. With this, Vector can perform the Volcanic Dunk, in which he turns Espio and Charmy into powerful fireballs which can smash into enemies to deal tremendous damage!)

*Yes I know this is what Team Sonic uses in Sonic Heroes but do you honestly want Vector Breath to be something that’s regularly used?

Cream the Rabbit (and Cheese the Chao):

Voice Actor: Michelle Ruff (I’d list a voice actor for Cheese too but... do I HAVE to? Chao can be easily voiced with stock squeaks or Chao sounds from SA2.)

A pleasant little girl who seems to get caught up in the ongoing war between Sonic and the forces of evil. Like Charmy, she’s a kid, although Cream is much more patient and polite than Charmy. Cream in this reboot would sorta fill the niche that Tails filled in SatAM, rarely going on adventures, but looking up to the main cast and always being ready to support them in times of need.

Abilities:

Flapping (Cream can flap her ears to gain a little extra height, although it’s made very clear this isn’t exactly equal to Tails’ flight and is very limited.)

Cheese (Cream can sic Cheese on anything she wants, although Cheese isn’t very tough, he’ll do his best until he’s knocked away!)

Big the Cat (and Froggy):

Voice Actor: Jon St. John

Big is large, and not very bright, even less so than Mighty. But he’s terrifyingly strong, he may just be one of the strongest characters in this new reboot in terms of raw damage output, probably second only to Omega actually. But, Big’s not a fighter and prefers to spend his days by the lakeside, fishing with his companion Froggy.

Unbeknownst to him, though, Froggy harbors a dark secret, and, in fact, is the current owner of the tail of the ancient God of Destruction, Chaos. How Froggy exactly came upon Chaos’ tail is unknown, but it’s gotten Big and Froggy into trouble before.

Abilities:

Super Strength

Fishing Sense (Big can sense what kind of fish or how many fish, or even foreign objects or other animals are in bodies of water. It’s unknown how he does or knows this, but he does.)

Silver the Hedgehog:

Voice Actor: Scott Menville

Silver is from an alternate future, a long-forgotten timeline in which Robotnik succeeded in conquering the world, But his massive cities and factories were later laid waste to by the sands of time, and ancient forces of nature, throwing the future Silver resides within into complete Crisis. And now, filled with a sense of vengeance and justice, Silver has come back to the past, determined to find the one responsible for whoever did this to his future, but... there’s just a couple problems. 

He’s only fourteen years old.

Silver is also rather bright-eyed and gullible, and him messing with the streams of time might have a bigger domino effect than he realizes, even if he has no intention of messing anything up.

Abilities:

Psychokinesis (Silver can move, and throw objects with his mind. Silver’s telekinesis is limited only by his focus and stress, as if Silver gets too stressed, he may release some of the objects he’s holding, the same goes for if he becomes unfocused. Using said telekinesis can make Silver very physically exhausted though, especially if Silver moves HIMSELF with his mind, which he can do to hover in the air for a while. Objects held by Silver will freeze, suspended in whatever state they were in when Silver grabbed them, and the objects Silver holds are denoted by a cyan aura.)

Psychic Knives (Silver can condense his energy into crescent-shaped blades of energy, which he can fire off at his discretion, again, only limited by his physical exhaustion)

Teleportation (Silver has the limited ability to teleport short distances, although he doesn’t seem to have a very good handle on it, as he often messes up his positioning and seems to almost... forget he can do it?)

Blaze the Cat:

Voice Actor: Tara Strong

Like Silver, Blaze is from an alternate future. Blaze is Silver’s best friend, but also kind of a sisterly figure to him. Blaze is older than Silver, and is much more reserved, mature and wary than Silver is, although she’s still more than happy to help Silver, and ensure a good future for both him and herself. Blaze is proud, trying to make the best out of her situation by trying and believing herself to be the best around, in a way, she sort of views Silver more like a sidekick, even if Silver does tend to pull his weight.

Abilities:

Pyrokinesis (Blaze can summon, control and is immune to fire. Her ability to do so is limited, although her fires are known to become more intense whenever Blaze is enraged. Blaze can use her fire either for offense by spraying jets of flame from her hands, or defensively by cloaking her entire body in flame, or using the power of fire to float for short periods of time.)

Tornado Spin (Like Espio, Blaze tends to spin horizontally rather than vertical, this, combined with her pyrokinesis, makes her incredibly fearsome to deal with.)

Main Antagonists

You know what the fuck’s going on already. These are all my picks for Major Villains in the reboot. The big bads. The guys who are gonna come in and try to take all those Chaos Emeralds and Time Stones and shit I was talking about and wreak havoc on the peaceful Mobius Archipelago.

They are as follows:

Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik

Orbot and Cubot

Metal Sonic

Heavy King (And the Hard-Boiled Heavies)

Great Battle Bird Kukku XV

Chaos

Emerl

Mephiles, Iblis, and Solaris

In the end, it was hard to decide on what villains to choose to be big bads, Sonic has so many good ones, but this is what it all bled down to eventually. I feel kinda like Dragon Ball Z or... like, any fucking action anime or cartoon ever tbh. I wanted to give some more underrated villains a chance to shine like Kukku and Emerl, while also bringing back some old favorites like Chaos and Mephiles.

...ALSO, I’M GONNA GET TO TEAM DARK DON’T WORRY!

Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik:

Voice Actor: Mike Pollock (as if there were any other choice.)

Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik is the biggest bad in this reboot, as he should be. Robotnik was formerly a young, gentleman scientist, who arrived on South Island with his colleague, Dr. Madonna to study the Mobini that lived there, however, using the grant money meant for his research, and not much caring about nature himself, Robotnik instead betrayed Dr. Madonna to begin forging an empire with his own two hands, an Empire he believed would eventually be able to conquer the world. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too... if all not for a meddlesome blue hedgehog child, who REALLY liked to compare the doctor to an egg. Since his first outing against the blue blur, Dr. Robotnik tried tirelessly, day and night, to get his empire up and into the air, coming back with bigger, and better firepower each time, even succeeding in conquering South Island and collecting six of the seven chaos emeralds at one point, but he was thwarted by this blue hedgehog, and later, his friends each time. This war has gone on for over 5 years now chronologically and maybe more in the actual scheme of things, and all those years of trying have really quite nipped at the doctor, who had gained a significant amount of weight, became a social pariah and had torn all his hair out, save for his mustache, which has overgrown and has become frayed, and the doctor had taken the name ‘Eggman’ as a shallow attempt to mock the blue blur. It’s not to say that Eggman hasn’t succeeded, his conquest and lust for power had bled everywhere, his Badniks, a series of small robots built by him, are an epidemic across the archipelago, he has factories, operations, and eyes everywhere, and Robotnik eventually succeeded in taking one of the Archipelago's many islands for his own, renaming what was once ‘North Island’ into ‘Eggmanland’, this little island is only a twisted glimpse into the madness of what a world under the doctor’s control could look like, his own personal carnival of evil, smog and dust, celebrating him, and only him. It’s these little successes, as well as his never-ending stubbornness and undying believe that man can and will always triumph over nature, that has warped Dr. Eggman from a nefarious, dashing gentleman, into a balding, crazed, nasty old coot. If trouble’s brewing on the islands, and you smell smog wafting by, you can be assured Dr. Eggman isn’t very far behind. To call him a ‘mad scientist’ is an understatement, but even through his delusions and megalomania, he really is a genius.

Orbot and Cubot:

Voice Actors: Kirk Thornton, Wally Wingert

Orbot and Cubot are the Doctor’s trusted aides and second-in-lines, and... probably the Doctor’s only friends as of current. Orbot and Cubot have special AI hand-crafted by the doctor and are arguably his most advanced and most sentient creations crafted by his own two hands. Orbot is serious, intelligent, and bitingly sarcastic, as he was meant to relay information about factories, schemes, and developments back to Eggman, whereas Cubot is dim-witted, slow, and lazy, as he was more meant to perform basic duties like keeping Robotnik’s living space neat and tidy (although he doesn’t always do the best job at this.) However, Orbot and Cubot have become more than that as time has gone on. Unlike the Modern games, Orbot and Cubot can actually hold their own in combat... well, sort of. They have their own unique ‘Scratch and Grounder’ style of dealing with Sonic and Co. and they don’t usually make much progress or get much done in this regard. In this reboot I want Orbot and Cubot’s designs to be updated besides being just ‘ball’ and ‘cube’ so that they can fight alongside Eggman and just look a lot more interesting in general.

Metal Sonic:

Voice Actor: Ben Schwartz (with an intense, robotic filter) if we HAVE to give him a voice. I’d really just prefer Metal to be silent or voiced by music cues and sound effects.

Metal Sonic is Dr. Eggman’s greatest creation. Designed and built by a Dr. Eggman from the future, Metal was sent back in time to aid the Eggman of the past, this, however, proved to be a mistake, as with Metal under his belt, the Doctor became easily overconfident in his victory, thinking now that he had his supposed greatest creation to aid him, nothing could possibly stop him. 

Which made it all the more disappointing when Metal Sonic inevitably failed and was defeated by Sonic.

However, that wasn’t the end of it for Metal Sonic, after being recovered from the future on Little Planet, Metal was repaired, and sent to do reconnaissance on Sonic and Tails during their visit to Mirage Island. In the process of getting there, however, Metal absorbed an artifact while patrolling around the Lost Labyrinth Zone, which superseded the limits of Metal’s hardware, and not only restored Metal to his former greatness but gave Metal something that few of Eggman’s creations can ever claim to have. True sentience. 

Now fully aware of who he was, and what he was doing, Metal easily made it to Sonic and Tails, and upon seeing his organic counterpart for the first time in so long ever since their duel on Stardust Speedway, Metal was filled with rage. Rage, unlike anything The Mobius Archepeligo had ever seen.

The artifact has given Metal all sorts of mysterious abilities, like the ability to manifest a near-indestructible shield, the power to harness the electricity flowing through his circuits to send himself into overdrive and utilize his own overloading as a weapon, and along with being a creation of a Dr. Eggman who has seen the fall of the Earth...

Who knows what kind of sadistic, inhuman thoughts lie behind those synthetic, glowing eyes?

Abilities:

Hyperspeed Thrusters (Metal’s thrusters easily make him as fast as Sonic, and, like Sonic, Metal can still spin, although Metal can also fly with his thrusters.)

Black Shield (Metal can form a defense matrix around him using the power of the artifact he absorbed in Lost Labyrinth, the Black Shield is completely indestructible. Nothing can break through it. Not even something as powerful as Super Sonic could even crack it.) The only caveat is, using the Black Shield renders Metal completely immobile, and unable to attack, and it has a slight warmup and cooldown period.)

Overdrive (Metal can use the artifact he absorbed to utilize the electricity flowing through his circuits to send himself into Overdrive. While in overdrive, Metal Sonic’s entire body sparks with electricity, and Metal can manipulate how he uses that electricity, whether it’s to cloak himself in sparks to beef up his physical attacks or create pillars of sparks and arcs of electricity to attack foes from a distance. The only thing is, Metal cannot do this too much, as doing this can easily cause Metal to overheat, or completely overload and have a ‘blowout’... in other words, explode.)

Heavy King:

Voice Actor: Jim Cummings (Yes, I know Jim did SATAM Robotnik but that’s not the voice I’m imagining for Heavy King. Jim can do more than just Robotnik you know, even though my decision was partially influenced by it being a nice callback. Again, these voice actors are only projections.)/Barry Humphries

Heavy King used to be EggRobo, a robot (which later became a line of Robots) built in the image of Dr. Eggman himself and meant to serve as a decoy for him, and as a stand-in to carry out his own ends.

But the energy of the Phantom Ruby changed that.

Now, Heavy King is the leader of an elite squadron of his EggRobo brethren known as the Hard-Boiled Heavies. They used to serve Robotnik, before breaking free of his control and serving their own ends, beginning a new (albeit, much, much smaller) empire under their own names. He and the other heavies are a force to be reckoned with, few are able to match the ruthless, cold, metallic hand of Heavy King. Despite this, however, Heavy King is known to be much more diplomatic and reasonable than Robotnik, ironically enough, because he believes himself to be vastly superior in every way to organic life. However, his inflated ego pays a steep price if you catch him at the wrong time. However, Heavy King is the current holder of the Phantom Ruby, and that alone should scare you.

(Also I won’t go over each of the Heavies individually because I don’t feel like it, but, I will list their voice actors.)

Heavy Gunner: Patrick Warburton... or at least a cheap impression of him.

Heavy Rider: Eliza Schneider

Heavy Magician: Alexia Khadime

Heavy Shinobi: Seth Green (I picture Shinobi having much more of a nerdy weeb voice than having a serious Japanese accent like Espio.)

Great Battle Bird Kukku XV

Voice Actor: Tom Kenny

A lesser-known big bad, or rather, big bird, Great Battle Bird Kukku XV (he gets upset if you don’t say the full name), is the leader of the Battle Bird Empire, a battalion of birds who, at one point, sought to take over the archipelago in a similar manner to Dr. Eggman, however, Great Kukku XV was thwarted by Tails. Tails, funnily enough, doesn’t remember him at all, in fact, no one does. As a villain, hardly anyone takes Great Kukku XV very seriously, even with his massive armies and capability. Fact is, Great Kukku XV is just a little too immature to be a leader, and hence, he’s not very dangerous. However, his battalion did give rise to a certain, screwy, trigger happy, fellow green bomb-throwing bird who happens to be a defector of his...

In this reboot, there would probably be a lot of jokes about people not knowing who Great Kukku even is, or how dangerous he is, but don’t worry, he’ll get his time in the sun eventually. 

Chaos

Voice Actor: N/A, Chaos only speaks in water sloshes.

Chaos is one of the many original forces of nature that populated the Archipelago many years ago. Legend has it that Chaos was responsible for the mass extinction of the Echidna on Angel Island, and was the one responsible for flooding Hydrocity Zone, and the former Hidden Palace Zone. Chaos was formed when a Chao, who happened to be very old and unhappy due to the Echidna tribes of the day treating his people very unfairly, mutated due to the exposure of Chaos Energy to the Chao’s genetically unstable body. Chaos is a being of pure hate and pure destruction. It’s almost entirely composed of a thick, water-like substance that can take on liquid or solid properties at Chaos’ discretion. His body hungers for Chaos Energy, and he is willing to destroy anything that stands in his way to have it, specifically by absorbing the Chaos Emerald. With each emerald Chaos absorbs, Chaos only becomes bigger, and stronger, becoming harder and harder to defeat. And if Chaos gathers all Seven of the Emeralds? You’d better hope you can find some way to calm this Great Old One down, otherwise, your world may just end up underwater. Luckily, Chaos was sealed inside of the Master Emerald by its former guardian, Tikal, and there he shall remain... for now, at least.

Emerl

Voice Actor: Various (copies the voices of others. To speak it splices lines that it’s heard together.)

Originally created directly to counter Chaos whilst the Echidna tribes were facing extinction, Emerl is a Gizoid, a kind of Robot created to copy the physical data of others. Although one can initially defeat Emerl pretty easily, it’s advised not to vary your tactics too much, as Emerl’s original purpose, and his ultimate capability, is to copy any behavior he’s seen, in order to not only replicate it, but replicate it better, and hence, conquer its original user. Terrifyingly, Emerl can even copy phenomenon that he otherwise wouldn’t, or shouldn’t be able to use, such as Chaos Control, Sonic’s Maximum Speed, or Tails’ intellect. The only thing truly limiting Emerl... is the kind of opponents he faces. And, if you give Emerl to someone who understands him and knows how he works, you may just be dealing with one of the most fearsome fighters the Mobius Archepeligo has ever known.

Mephiles, Iblis and Solaris

Voice Actor: Dan Green (Mephiles only) (This is just because Dan also voices Knuckles ideally but, again, if Dan doesn’t wanna come back to Sonic after being replaced, I understand that.)

If Chaos was the patron saint of water, Solaris is the patron saint of fire. Born from a sacred flame created by the Echidna, Solaris was worshipped by the surviving Echidna as a force that could potentially vanquish Chaos, as the ‘’sun’ to dry the rain. However, the tribes’ malicious intents caused their newly formed ‘God’ to become more of a beast, and it only helped Chaos in driving the Echidna extinct. Solaris later retreated to the bottom of the ocean after all was said and done, slumbering beneath the surface in an underground cave, in a damaged, unstable state.

Solaris has re-awoken twice since this has happened, and both times, his unstable shell split and formed two halves, it’s raw power, known as Iblis, and it’s mind, and spirit, known as Mephiles. The two halves of Solaris first re-awoke in an Alternate Timeline where Robotnik had conquered the world, re-awakening as the folly of the dictator had driven the Sun God’s split soul to awaken when the intense greenhouse heat began to boil the ocean. Mephiles’ primordial form simply died off in the intense heat, but Iblis remained awake, laying waste to the already horrible wasteland that was Robotnik’s Bad Future. Many survivors who reside within this future came to blame Iblis for their problems, even though Robotnik was what had destroyed it centuries earlier.

As for the other time The soul and body of Solaris re-awoke?...

Well... we’ll get to that. Let’s come back to someone I’m sure you’re all waiting for.

Antiheroes

HERE HE IS, OKAY? YOU HAPPY? I was saving him for a good reason! I actually want Shadow (and Rouge, to an extent, she kinda keeps her evil side tbh) to start out as a big bad! After Shadow’s done BEING a big bad though, he’ll become similar to his post-adventure 2 self, specifically how he behaves in Sonic 06 and Sonic Heroes, except with a bit more sympathy. Modern Shadow has a lot of brooding, edgy bite to him, and while that’s cool and all, I feel like there should be more to Shadow than just brooding and standing around crossing his arms and saying ‘tch’ all the time.

Shadow the Hedgehog

Shadow the Hedgehog:

Voice Actor: Anyone that’s not Kirk Thornton. I actually don’t have a good answer for who Shadow’s voice actor should be but, honestly, anything would be better than his current one in my honest opinion.

Shadow was synthesized fifty years ago on a small, man-made satellite called the Space Colony ARK by the brilliant scientist Dr. Gerald Robotnik. He was born from a desire to find a cure for the seemingly incurable disease for his granddaughter, Maria. However, due to an accident when splicing the genes of the quill of a Mobian Hedgehog, and experimental biomaterial found on the fragments of an asteroid that collided with the Earth millions of years ago, the doctor accidentally created something he absolutely didn’t intend, Life. And thus, Project Shadow was born. Gerald felt attached to his creation, viewing the resulting creation, which he called ‘Shadow’ as one of his own. Shadow developed rapidly, quickly maturing into an infant, and then juvenile, yet seemingly normal Mobian Hedgehog. Shadow’s equivalent age later capped once Shadow was done growing, and he remained that way, immortally perfect. The Ultimate Lifeform. Tests with Shadow later showed his destructive capabilities, as it seemed the asteroid’s DNA had morphed Shadow to be far beyond the capabilities of any normal Hedgehog, even in peak physical condition at that age, capable of creating explosions, firing bolts of energy, and even freezing time, appearing to ‘teleport’ in the process. Despite these curiosities, Shadow grew fond of Maria in his stay at the ARK, although Shadow couldn’t help her recover, he did make her much happier. However, a raid on the Space Colony by the mainland’s military led to a massive capsizing of the project, with the intention to destroy Shadow, who was viewed as a dangerous, alien, unholy abomination. Before he could be killed though, Maria shot Shadow down to Earth in an escape pod, where he subsequently landed deep in the jungles of Cocoa Island... but, Maria was murdered in the process of doing so. Shadow was later recovered by Gerald’s other grandson, Ivo Robotnik, 50 years after the tragedy. Hesitant to release Shadow immediately, it’s known that Robotnik has spoken to Shadow in his pod, although about what matters is unknown. For now, Shadow slumbers deep within the confines of Eggmanland, waiting for his proper, strategic time to be unleashed and to wreak his horrible vengeance upon the Earth.

I’ll bring up Shadow again later when we talk about how I project the series to actually go, for now, just sit tight and let’s talk about the rest of Team Dark... and some familiar faces.

Abilities:

Spin Dash

Homing Attack (Shadow can automatically home in on opponents while also performing an Air Dash.)

Burning Rollout (Inspired by the flame ring of Sonic Adventure 2, Shadow can cloak his spinning form in fire by turning on his shoes when rolling, doing this will significantly up the strength of his spin, and make a nice little ring of fire around his spinning form.)

Chaos Control (Can be used as short-distance teleportation, as a way to buff Shadow’s speed immensely, or as a way to freeze or dramatically slow Shadow’s relative perspective of time by dramatically increasing his speed.)

Chaos Spear (These are green bolts of pure, chaos energy. The energy used to form these bolts is so unstable that once hurled at something, the ‘spear’ will likely explode, although, if it doesn’t, it will easily pierce through whatever it hits. Shadow likes to shout ‘DISAPPEAR!’ before hurling these at things for some reason.)

Chaos Blast (Shadow’s Chaos Blast can be considered his ‘ultimate’ attack, Chaos Blast sees Shadow creating a kind of ‘mini-singularity’ with chaos energy that will detonate after a short time, easily eradicating anything caught in the explosion’s radius, even the ground around Shadow. The only problem with this is, doing this is a huge strain on Shadow’s natural supply of Chaos Energy, so a lengthy cooldown period is inevitable.)

and of course, we can’t forget

The Roundhouse Kick

Minor Antagonists

These are characters who are villains but are also more likely to show up in arcs that are only a couple episodes long or are side or off-boss fights. 

I’ll be honest, most of you know these characters already, so I’m just gonna run through them super quickly and give my suggested changes and my justifications for them.

Rouge the Bat

E-123 OMEGA

Dave the Intern

Fang the Sniper (Nack the Weasel)

Bean the Dynamite

Bark the Polar Bear

Rouge the Bat:

Voice Actor: Karen Strassman

Rouge is a thief and a treasure hunter but is also working for the military agency of the mainland, G.U.N. Rouge is sly, sneaky and has a silver tongue, easily able to manipulate people into what she wants by pure wordplay alone. Rouge is a lot less active of a fighter than Sonic and Co. as she prefers to stalk quietly in the shadows, and strike when the time is right. In this reboot, Rouge is gonna wear something a bit more modest. I’m sorry, I hate Rouges’ clothes in canon. That fucking catsuit? has gotta go. She can still look cool and... *gag* “”sexy”” but, I’d rather her not wear... THAT? But, I do want her personality to remain mostly intact because in full honesty? She’s not a bad character on paper. Like Shadow, though I do kinda want Rouge to be a straight-up antagonist at first, and a very greedy one at that.

E-123 OMEGA:

Voice Actor: Vic Mignogna

What can I say? Omega doesn’t need to change much at all, really. He works in about any Sonic setting tbh. He’s loud, and he likes to blow things up, and he doesn’t emote very well, what else is there? In this reboot though, Omega will be the only E-Series Robot, or rather the only... surviving one. And, yeah, like Rouge and Shadow too, I think Omega should start out as an antagonist.

Dave the Intern:

Voice Actor: Ben Schwartz (What? We gotta keep up the tradition of Dave sharing a voice with Sonic!)

An odd choice for a minor antagonist I know, but Dave the Intern is REALLY funny? And I love the idea of a character just hating Sonic for no discernable reason other than ‘he’s popular and cool and I’m not.’ I also thought it’d be cool if Dave frequently got way in over his head with the shit he does, and put himself into trouble that Sonic (reluctantly) had to get him out of. Plus, I really wanted to include some representation of Sonic Boom in this reboot because Sonic Boom as a show is really funny and really good, and I think taking a page from it might be good, plus, Boom is a part of Sonic’s history too!

Fang the Sniper (Nack the Weasel):

Voice Actor: Dwight Schultz

Fang is the leader of Team Hooligan, and in a similar vein to Great Kukku XV I think he’d take himself way too seriously, but would play off of other characters. In Fang’s mind, he’s a trained assassin, like an evil Aussie-accent Batman or something of that stretch. But, really? He’s just a sleazy conman with a popgun. I feel like a good joke to make in this series would be Fang reaching for what he thinks is his actual pistol, but then he’d pull it out and fire it and it’d be one of his fake popguns. And, do I even need to make a joke about the comedic possibilities between him and Shadow using guns? Also, his real name being Nack the Weasel but he wants everyone to call him Fang the Sniper is funny. I’m sorry but ‘Fang the Sniper’ is just a silly name and I like the idea of Fang being the equivalent of one of those nice guys with Otaku Katanas who think they’re WAY cooler than they actually are. I wanted to choose Fang as a minor antagonist in the reboot just because of the kind of character I think he is, he thinks he has everything under control and has all the cards laid out in front of him when in reality, this setup of his just fails dramatically. The kind of interactions between him and Sonic this could spell out are amazing.

Bean the Dynamite:

Voice Actor: Eric Bauza

What do you get when you throw Daffy Duck and Woody Woodpecker in a blender and make him an unstable arsonist? Bean the Dynamite, that’s what. I’d want Bean in this reboot to be an off-the-wall, screwy, but surprisingly resourceful and clever, explosion-crazed maniac. He wouldn’t be... *gag* ‘insane’, so much as he would be just hyper and unable to calm down, again, like Woody Woodpecker or Daffy Duck. He’d be quick-witted, fast-talking and zippy, even more than Sonic himself is. (In the end, Sonic would always outpace him, but the reflexes on THIS bird are crazy.) Also, I feel like the idea of Bean being a defector of the Battle Kukku Armada is just... great, considering they’re all bomb-throwing birds, but THIS one was a little too off-the-handle for even them? He’d be a real character and a surprisingly dangerous threat for Sonic and Co.

Bark the Polar Bear:

Voice Actor: I’m... actually not too sure who to cast Bark as tbh. Mostly because I see him being very quiet and not... speaking, much at all?

Bark is a quiet tough guy. He’s smarter than he looks, but he’s big, he’s mean, he’s tough, and he will Hulk slam at least one character in the length of this reboot. I don’t really have much idea on where to take Bark, I just think he deserves a place as a minor villain.

Projected direction for canon

So, we have all the pieces of the puzzle, let’s see how they all fit together! I’ll be going through these with the assumption that one game can be made to represent each season of the show in its entirety.

For this, I honestly think it would be best if we split this reboot up based upon Sonic the Hedgehog’s current history with its elements. Think, almost, the way Sonic Generations told its story. We’ll start with something with a more Classic Vibe to it, then move into something more Adventure-like, and then, finally, we do something a bit more Modern! It’ll be a little less linear, and we’ll double dip here and there, but it’ll all line up!

Because of this, I’d like to establish what games have already PASSED before going into this series. This is what all has happened going in, in roughly the chronological order they happened in.

Sonic the Hedgehog 1 (16-bit)

Sonic the Hedgehog 1 (8-bit)

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (8-bit)

SegaSonic the Hedgehog

Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (16-Bit)

Sonic CD

Sonic the Hedgehog 3 & Knuckles

Sonic Chaos

Sonic Triple Trouble

Sonic the Hedgehog 4: Episodes 1, 2, and Metal.

Sonic Mania

The intention is to begin sort of... around the time JUST before Sonic Adventure 1 happened in the old rudimentary timeline before Sonic Forces came out and clarified Classic and Modern Sonic were different beings.

Season 1/Game 1: Genesis

The first few episodes of the series will be more dedicated to introducing the characters and Sonic’s new home. We’ll see the new Sonic, the new Tails, the new Knuckles, Amy, Mighty, and Ray for the very first time, and we’ll also get to see some of the characters’ new capabilities as they take on some minor villains or assaults led by Orbot and Cubot for the first couple episodes; but not at all subtly tease at something bigger and better coming, although we’re also shown how frequent scuffles between Sonic and Eggman exactly are, as we see plenty of mention of the Doctor, but he never physically appears.

Then, I’d say at about Episode 5 or 6 out of say, 22-24? Eggman steps in and introduces us to his new Master Plan, as he does. To build a new Death Egg (which, Sonic obviously chides him on doing the same thing a THIRD time.), but, as Robotnik does, he turns out to be serious, and the episodes from there on out are a race against time for Sonic and co. to gather all the Chaos Emeralds from various different zones of various different challenging geographies, fight off villains and giant robots, learn valuable morals, run into some familiar faces, and have a couple laughs along the way.

The climax of the season would come with a few episodes left, where Sonic and Co. finally have all the Emeralds, and they chase Eggman down to the New Death Egg, maybe there could be an encounter with Metal Sonic along the way because nostalgia and to introduce Metal into the continuity, and of course things’ll play out from there, Robotnik gets the upper hand and shows his shit, gets in a giant robot, dukes it out with Super Sonic, and BAM! End of Season/Game!

At the very end of season 1/Game 1 though, I’d like to include a little teaser for Season 2/Game 2 in the form of a familiar-looking escape pod in the middle of a jungle, full of green bubbling fluid, and a flash of red eyes.

Season 2/Game 2: Chaos Emerald Chaos

Right out of the gate in Season 2/Game 2, we’re back in the game as Sonic and Eggman are seen duking it out a while after the first game/season has ended, but in a much different area than we’d seen in Season 1/Game 1. This fight would lead up to the pod in the teaser after Eggman lures Sonic into a dark room with the green glow in sight. By one way or another, maybe on purpose or on accident, this pod breaks open, and something is released from it. Sonic is understandably confused, but then, is knocked down, and a panning shot reveals one of three of our major antagonists for the season/game, Shadow the Hedgehog.

Shadow fucking wipes the floor with Sonic in this first encounter, but instead of finishing him off, Eggman instructs Shadow to leave him be and search for the rest of the Chaos Emeralds instead. Shadow nods and simply leaves via Chaos Control. Eggman, on the meanwhile, begins transporting Sonic back to North Island via dropship, revealing by surprise that this isn’t on North Island, but rather a much smaller place Eggman was using as a trap.

Meanwhile, Sonic’s friends (with Knux noticeably absent) are confused to learn that Sonic has been... committing crimes, upon his return back from a scuffle back with Eggman, and seeming very much unlike himself, always hiding away in the dark and staying away from everyone. When they go to confront him, it turns out that this was actually Shadow, disguised as Sonic, who was simply searching for the emeralds for Dr. Eggman.

Sonic’s friends demand to know where Sonic is, but Shadow kicks all their asses instead, and something about the Master Emerald is mentioned after the fight. We then cut away to Knuckles, who is soon confronted by Shadow.

Shadow puts up a hard fight, but, with the help of the chaos emerald he already had, defeats Knuckles, and goes to take the Master Emerald. But, in a last ditch effort to save the gem, Knuckles shatters the Master Emerald, causing the shards to scatter all across the islands. Shadow, understandably frustrated by this, scoffs and leaves, seemingly fooled into thinking the Master Emerald WAS destroyed. Unknowingly, however, shattering the Master Emerald caused Chaos, slumbering within the Emerald, to awaken.

Knuckles, obviously horrified by what he’s done, abandons Angel Island and sets to work on finding both the pieces of the Master Emerald, and any Chaos Emeralds he can, to stop Chaos before anything goes wrong.

At this point, we go back to Sonic, who finally escapes as the dropship taking him to EggmanLand and, by extension, escapes from the city as he hurries to try to reunite with his friends and tell them what happened.

From there, a combination of the events of Adventure 1 and 2 (with the addition of Metal Sonic and some other characters of course.) would transpire, with Rouge the Bat getting involved with Knuckles due to her finding the shards of the Master Emerald, and the Chaos Emeralds trading hands several times, all up until the Season/Game’s climax.

It would all build with Robotnik planning to use Chaos to terraform the Earth by transforming him into Perfect Chaos, who, once he takes form, begins wreaking havoc on a coastal city on the mainland. At this point, the Chaos Emeralds seem shut off, and even though the Master Emerald is restored, it seems like there’s nothing that can be done. Shadow, having already begun to go through a change of heart when he sees the kind of destruction the doctor’s plans have wrought, and after some choice words from Amy, decides instead to join Sonic and Co. in what seems like their darkest hour. And, Shadow mentions that Chaos only absorbed the negative energy of the emeralds, being in-tune with Chaos Energy himself, he’d know this.

And so, Super Sonic and Super Shadow defeat Perfect Chaos together, Knuckles and the spirit of Tikal work together to seal Chaos back inside the Master Emerald, and the city begins to drain.

Shadow, having felt satisfied with this, then decides to go off on his own for a while, and mentions something about ‘wanting to discover himself’, and ‘trying to decide what Maria would have wanted me to be.’ 

Oh, and Eggman is finally thrown in prison for literally capsizing an entire city. But don’t worry, he’ll be back.

End of Season 2/Game 2.

Season 3/Game 3: Triple Trouble!

This Eggmanless Season/Game would feature a ‘Triple Threat’, in the form of 3 major villains! And all three of them brand new to the series! We’re introduced to Emerl in this season, as well as Great Kukku XV, and Heavy King.

The entire season would be intense, Team Sonic rushing to get the Chaos Emeralds once again, while the Battle Birds (frequently interrupted by Bean the Dynamite, calling out to his ‘brothers’) and Heavies scramble to get them before the team does.

All the while... Emerl grows stronger and stronger by the minute.

And, in a surprise twist, Emerl, having copied the data of Great Kukku XV and the Heavies, among many others, grows the strongest he ever has, and, like Mecha Sonic in Sonic 3, uses the Master Emerald (likely stolen by Heavy King or Kukku at this point) to attain a Super form, and Emerl becomes a terrifying conglomerate of everything that has led up to this point, Perfect Emerl, the thing originally meant to take down PERFECT CHAOS.

But, luckily, Kukku and King realize when they’ve been beaten, and decide to help Super Sonic take down Perfect Emerl. 

End of Season 3/Game 3. But like Season 1, let’s end off on a teaser. How about a small, flickering flame, with a visible shadow?

Season 4/Game 4: Return of Solaris

This is the final season/game I have planned out, although that’s not to say more couldn’t be done with this concept, it’s just about as far as I got. Essentially I was thinking this season could be a retelling and retooling of Sonic 06 with some details omitted or changed up like, for instance:

The romance between Sonic and Elise being outright axed! Matter of fact, while we’re at it, let’s just NOT make Elise a focus character so she doesn’t eat up screentime?

The weird time shit in this season/game being altered with Time Stones instead of Chaos Emeralds!

Less plotholes!

Focus on NONLINEAR timelines with LINEAR storytelling.

Silver is less silly!

Metal Sonic!

The Chaotix! AND THEY’RE HERE TO ACTUALLY BE HELPFUL!

Important Sonic characters being important!

Hey guess what? Eggman’s back and busted out of jail and he’s kicking ass! And he’s totally gonna release Solaris even though that didn’t work out so well for him last time!

Mephiles is still a cool villain! And he gets cool new designs for this series too that don’t stray too far from his original form!

I feel like this season/game would be kind of a hard fusion of Sonic CD and Sonic 06, with elements of Sonic CD being changing the past to ensure the future, and the future/present changing as a result. 

The climax of this series would be, well, you know by now. Sonic getting shot in the back, but then revived using the Chaos Emeralds and Time Stones together. But, even with Super Sonic, all seems hopeless, but, Sonic and Knuckles seem to have an idea, and it leads up, to our grand finale:

Solaris, the extra-dimensional being of ultimate power.

Versus

Hyper Sonic, Super Shadow, Super Silver, Super Tails, Super Knuckles, Super Amy, Super Mighty, and Super Ray.

With Solaris finally felled, Sonic and Co. use the last of the energy of their super forms to do two more things. 

Vanquish the flame of Solaris and Mephiles, and ensure that Solaris may never return to any Time Stream.

Silver’s future, although still broken, now looks much brighter, and the world is saved for the final time.

End of Season 4/Game 4.

I’m sure these ideas could be tweaked or changed around to span more seasons/games if certain characters or aspects of the series become popular, or if demand for certain characters appearing gets to be enough. Sonic has an immense library of games to do over or retell in this reboot, why not? 

And, this is just my idea for it, it doesn’t have to go this way explicitly. My only goal with this was to try to unify the Sonic lore in an interesting, unique manner, but also in such a way that it was new, fresh, and it made sense, most of all!

Opening

This really applies more toward the cartoon part of this reboot, that’s not to say the video game COULDN’T utilize the cartoon’s opening or something, it’s just that the opening is more for the show than it is for the games.

There’s a number of ways to go here, but in my mind, the best way to open a Sonic cartoon? Is the way you’d open a Sonic game. How about a condensed ‘remake’ of Sonic CD’s opening, with a few short clips from the first few episodes thrown in there to get people curious and excited about the show when it first airs?

There’s a cover of Sonic Boom by Crush 40 and Cash Cash just waiting to be used for this very thing!

I also think a condensed (that is to say, censored. I hate to censor a great song but ‘kicking-ass fast’ is a bit much for a show that’s likely gonna be PG-rated.) version of the Zebrahead (aka the BEST) version of His World would make for a GREAT opening.

Or if we wanna piggyback off of the recent success of Mania, how about a condensed version of Friends? Maybe we could even end the intro off on a remake of Sonic Mania’s title theme if we wanna have like, a classic Sonic emblem at the end of the opening.

I’d say the opening should be about... 60% new animation with Sonic platforming around and parkouring like he does or whatever, and about 40% old animation of various clips from the show or maybe even the games if we’re feeling kinda frisky to show off the series we’re about to watch, but also for budgetary reasons and to, again, get people interested in what’s actually IN the show, or maybe we could even do it like Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure’s part 1 opening or something where a couple of important scenes from the very beginning of the show or games are re-animated in a flashy way to achieve the same effect, but also wow the audience. That'd be a huge budget sink though and going a classic clip-show-and-new-shit route may just be the ideal compromise.

Marketing

This next part is also a lot more cartoon oriented, and kinda heavily depends on who’s gonna be sponsoring the show and who’s gonna be running it, but, hear me out.

Part of Sonic’s rise to popularity in the 90s was controversial, competitive advertising. And you know what? I haven’t seen anything really quite like this in a long time (except maybe for cleaner commercials), but, lots of people remember how pushy and in your face these commercials were, and how much they really pushed the superiority of the product they were advertising. So you know what? Let’s bring this back. Let’s bring back Sonic’s violent guerilla marketing campaigns.

It’d be a great throwback as well as a statement about Sonic REALLY comin’ back and comin’ back hot; which might get some new people interested to at least watch a few episodes, and in the process of that, they may find they like the new show/games a lot!

(NOTE: I DON’T HATE NICKELODEON, AND THIS ISN’T EXACTLY WHAT I THINK THE SHOW’S SONIC SHOULD LOOK LIKE, THIS IS JUST A PROOF-OF-CONCEPT OF WHAT I THINK THIS SHOW’S ADVERTISING COULD LOOK LIKE)

Or, if we want to opt for more positive, passive marketing strategies, why don’t we revisit an idea that was misused and make it better?

Idk about anyone else but I actually really like the ‘blue streaks to show where Sonic’s been’ idea that the movie posters did, and I think it has potential to make a really memorable-looking advertisement.

Or, why not opt for a more nostalgic passive approach and recreate some of Sonic’s old box art?

Again, it’d be a great throwback as well as a way to get people interested in the show. Although, if we go this route I WOULD say maybe we should make it a little more interesting than just ‘Sonic 1 pose on a black grid or popart background’? Maybe we should combine these box arts and add the pop-art details for little pops of color while Sonic bursts out of this black-grid frame with a richly detailed drawing of Green Hill in the background? I dunno.

Conclusion

Okay, so. I didn’t get to everything I wanted to explain (like other marketing stuff, merchandising, the new actual GAMEPLAY for these new games, how to write the characters and humor, how I think the general ART STYLE of these new cartoons and games should look, etc.) as a matter of fact, I still have a ton more ideas for this reboot, but, here’s the main point:

Sonic the Hedgehog, right now? Sucks. Because it’s such a mess. It has too many ideas that are going off in too many different directions. The best way to change that, in my eyes, is to start over and try to unify all these broken-up ideas into one. I believe this is possible, while still maintaining a pretty widespread appeal and giving broken, old ideas a second chance to shine, but still being fresh and new enough to have a lasting impact and leave the door open for new content later.

I’m really bad at ending posts like this, but, if you went into this post thinking that Sonic can’t or shouldn’t change, I hope I’ve at least provoked thought on the matter. And, maybe, all those hardworking people at SEGA will decide one day that things need to change, whether by a reboot, rewrite or just... doing something a little bit different.

Maybe then, just maybe.

Our blue blur will really shine again.

- Jenny, of @jennikkugoesoff and @jennikku

[kaile-hultner]

Dialogues With A Dreg, Part Four

Spoilers for Destiny and Destiny 2 ahead.

Hello, Guardian.

Let’s drop the allegory for a while. I don’t think it was working to begin with, and I prefer to speak plainly instead of in prose.

I love the game you serve as the protagonist in, at least mechanically. Part of the reason I’ve put nearly a thousand hours in piloting you around and clicking on enemy heads is because I’m chasing that satisfying “pop” when something’s brain explodes after I get them with a linear fusion rifle. I guess it’s better than being addicted to drugs or alcohol or video games with gambling mechan- oh shit god dammit wait, fuck, there’s Eververse here, I forgot.

Anyway, Destiny 2 has my full buy-in when it comes to gameplay, as I think it’s grabbed many folks in its three-year lifespan. I’m not as big a fan of the many modes to choose from in the game, and I think the story – when looked at holistically – is more-or-less a wash. But one aspect I can’t ignore is one I’ve tried to reason out in these Dialogues: Bungie, the game’s developer, wants me to live at least part-time in this world, and there are certain ramifications that come with that.

I first noticed these ramifications during the Faction Rallies in D2Y1, when it asked me to pick a faction and fuck shit up across the solar system. I picked what I thought was the coolest-looking faction, a group of (it turned out) thanatonautic, neoliberal warmongers calling themselves Future War Cult. They basically killed themselves over and over to see the future, and as a result they want Guardians everywhere to become absolute war machines. But as far as I could see, they were a “better” option than the other two factions: Dead Orbit, who just wanted to get the fuck out of the solar system and away from the Traveler, our slumbering charge, and New Monarchy.

New Monarchy is the MAGA hat gang of Destiny 2. They want to keep humanity safe by locking them inside the Last City, forming an eternal Guardian-led kingdom, and ruling with an iron fist. Yeesh.

In my first Faction Rally, I fought hard for FWC. I liked the gear they were giving me, not to mention the guns I could earn from them. They had an aesthetic I liked, and the story of thanatonautics is interesting enough for me to want to know more about how all that worked. But I didn’t like the insistence that we “reclaim” the far-flung reaches of the solar system, as if they belonged to us inherently. I didn’t like the ramping-up, constant drumbeat for war they were throwing out. Even if Lakshmi-2, FWC’s leader, seemed like the eye of a hurricane – calm, yet clearly still dangerous – the hurricane she was the center of was starting to irk me.

I’m sorry to say I didn’t drop FWC in subsequent Rallies, even if I wasn’t as enthusiastic about them as I was initially. If I could pick again, though, I know now I’d pick Dead Orbit. They had it the most right, plus Peter Stormare plays Arach Jalaal, the faction’s leader, which is just cool.

But the winner of pretty much every rally was New Monarchy. I couldn’t see the appeal, even if you stripped the clear trump-ass bullshit away. But a LOT of other Destiny 2 players fought for them, and they were the victors constantly. Bungie took the Faction Rally away in D2Y2, but it basically put me on an inexorable thought track to where we are today.

Simply put, I think the world that Destiny 2 is advocating for is at best a fascist one. At worst, we’re talking about reinstating the divine right of kings. Not only does mortal humanity lose in this bargain, but every other living creature inhabiting our solar system suffers for it as well.

Now, Guardian, I can see that this is an unwelcome statement to hear. I get it. After spending the entire five years of your existence thanklessly putting around the solar system and killing gargantuan, god-level threats to humanity and life itself, watching some nerdy, doughy writer cast aspersions on everything you do probably extends past irritation and into wishing you could shoulder-charge me into Glimmer particles. But I want to be clear: yours isn’t the only video game world – or even the only sci-fi world in general – that does this. As Nic Reuben (the original Destiny 2 fascism warner) put it in his 2017 post on the subject, Bungie writers are “blindly following a set of culturally encoded science-fantasy tropes”:

“‘True leaders are born. It’s genetic. The right to rule is inherited.’ Any time you play as a really, really ridiculously good looking person killing mobs of ugly things for a vaguely defined reason, you’re witnessing this kind of ideology first hand.”

One thing I would like to point out, though, before we continue: Guardian, I know you personally. I’ve fought as you across the stars. I know you don’t inherently want to rule over anything. You are intentionally a blank slate, you never voice your own desires except for that one time when a possessed Awoken prince killed your best ramen bud, and I want to believe that the only thing you want — which is the only thing I want — is to race Sparrows on Mars. But the version of you I play as is not the only version of you that exists. There are over a million of you. And aside from that million iterations of you that exist in this game world, there are others who absolutely want to rule. It’s high time to interrogate this world.

Fantasy Space Fascism: The Game

In his book Against the Fascist Creep, freelance journalist and Portland State Ph.D candidate Alexander Reid Ross defines fascism as ��an ideology that draws on old, ancient, and even arcane myths of racial, cultural, ethnic, and national origins to develop a plan for the ‘new man.'” He continues:

“Fascism is also mythopoetic insofar as its ideological system does not only seek to create new myths but also to create a kind of mythical reality (ed. emphasis mine), or an everyday life that stems from myth rather than fact. Fascists hope to produce a new kind of rationale envisioning a common destiny that can replace modern civilization. The person with authority is the one who can interpret these myths into real-world strategy through a sacralized process that defines and delimits the seen and the unseen, the thinkable and the unthinkable.

“That which is most commonly encouraged through fascism is producerism, which augments working-class militancy against the ‘owner class’ by focusing instead on the difference between ‘parasites’ (typically Jews, speculators, technocrats, and immigrants) and the productive workers and elites of the nation. In this way, fascism can be both functionally cross class and ideologically anticlass, desiring a classless society based on a ‘natural hierarchy’ of deserving elites and disciplined workers. By destroying parasites and deploying some variant of racial, national, or ethnocentric socialism, fascists promise to create an ideal state or suprastate – a spiritual entity more than a modern nation-state, closer to the unitary sovereignty of the empire than political systems of messy compromises and divisions of power.”

Ross, A. R. (2017). Against the Fascist Creep. AK Press.

The Destiny franchise begins with you, a freshly-reborn Guardian, shooting and punching your way through a hive of vaguely-arachnid aliens your Ghost companion calls “Fallen.” You find a decrepit jumpship deep in the heart of the Old Russia Cosmodrome, which your Ghost fires up and uses to take you to the “last safe city on Earth,” a walled metropolis underneath the Traveler. You first meet with the Vanguard triumvirate, Titan Commander Zavala, Warlock Ikora, and Hunter Cayde-6, and then, after completing some tasks for them, you are granted an audience with the Speaker (voiced by Bill Nighy):

“THE SPEAKER: There was a time when we were much more powerful. But that was long ago. Until it wakes and finds its voice, I am the one who speaks for The Traveler.

“You must have no end of questions, Guardian. In its dying breath, The Traveler created the Ghosts to seek out those who can wield its Light as a weapon—Guardians—to protect us and do what the Traveler itself no longer can.

“GUARDIAN: What happened to it?

“THE SPEAKER: I could tell you of the great battle centuries ago, how the Traveler was crippled. I could tell you of the power of The Darkness, its ancient enemy. There are many tales told throughout the City to frighten children. Lately, those tales have stopped. Now… the children are frightened anyway. The Darkness is coming back. We will not survive it this time.

“GHOST: Its armies surround us. The Fallen are just the beginning.

“GUARDIAN: What can I do?

“THE SPEAKER: You must push back the Darkness. Guardians are fighting on Earth and beyond. Join them. Your Ghost will guide you. I only hope he chose wisely.”

Bungie. Destiny. Activision Entertainment, 2015.

This introduction to the world of Destiny is… shockingly reductive. Even playing the campaign when this happens, my first thoughts were, “wait so we’re not even smart or good enough to hear the children’s scary stories about the history of this world? what the fuck?” But over the course of years, we find out more and more about the so-called Golden Age of Humanity, the tools humans built with implied assistance from the Traveler, the various rich families and corporate megaliths that consolidated power over people across the solar system in the years and decades leading to the arrival of the Darkness and the ensuing Collapse.

Not only that, we start to get a pretty clear image of what life was like immediately following the Collapse. Humanity was almost driven to extinction, and the people left alive after this apocalypse soon wished they were dead. The Traveler “defeated” the Darkness but in the process put itself into something similar to an emergency reboot mode. It deployed the Ghosts, who resurrected people who could, as the Speaker put it, “wield its Light as a weapon,” but the first of these “Risen” were nothing short of horrific. They used their Ghosts’ regeneration and resurrection powers to become regional warlords, subjugating what few mortal people remained, draining the desolate wastes of what few resources they had, and basically sealing the deal on the “Dark Age” brought on by the Collapse. It wasn’t until the advent of the Iron Lords that these warlords were defeated and the “age of Guardians” could begin, but even the Iron Lords did some pretty heinous shit – like use a whole town of mortals as bait to lure in a band of warlords on the run.

But when it comes to creating a mythical reality, the Speaker has his formula down pat. Don’t get too bogged down with details, paint the conflict in stark good vs. evil, literal “Light vs. Darkness” broad strokes, and mythologize the actions of Guardians (but most importantly, our Guardian). And oh, what fodder for mythology we are.

By the end of the first campaign, we’re the hero who severed the connection between the Hive, the Vex and the Traveler and tore out the heart of the Black Garden. By the end of The Taken King, we’ve slain a god-king. In the Rise of Iron expansion, we stop the spread of a virulent nanoparticle with murderous intent called SIVA in its tracks, using nothing but our fists. In Destiny 2, we become the Hero of the Red War, the one who put an end to a Vex plot to sterilize all worlds, and who killed a Hive Worm God. We avenge our fallen Hunter Vanguard, we kill a Taken Ahamkara. We are the hub on which the spokes of history are turning.

In terms of video game power fantasies, I really truly can’t imagine a better-feeling one. It’s basically pure uncut dopamine being transmitted directly to the pleasure centers of the brain, one Herculean feat at a time. And if we were the only Guardian, if we were not part of a larger world, if everything around us was in a vacuum, I don’t know if I would be writing this article. But Bungie has been very clear about wanting to make a world where our actions do materially affect our surroundings. As such, we are essentially a walking propaganda tool for the Consensus, a pseudo-democratic government over the Last City, consisting of faction leaders, the Vanguard and the (now-presumed-dead, hasn’t been replaced) Speaker.

The Consensus wants badly to declare the advent of the New Golden Age, a time in which Humanity can finally emerge from under the shadow of the Traveler to pick up where it left off prior to the Collapse. The problem we supposedly face is the never-ending onslaught of Enemies. Four alien species showed up on our doorstep after the Collapse, all seeking to finish us off (according to the Speaker): the Fallen, the Cabal, the Hive/Taken, and the Vex.

Of the four-ish races of enemy, only one can said to be truly, deeply “evil” in the sense the Speaker intends: the Hive and Taken, led by Taken King Oryx and his sisters Sivu Arath and Savathun, the only force in the galaxy more fascist than the Guardians. The Vex are a race of machines whose only focus is on making more of themselves, a threat similar to SIVA. The other two alien forces, the Fallen and the Cabal, are certainly antagonistic toward Guardians but our initial reasons for fighting them are, frankly, butt-ass stupid. Basically, we fight them because they’re there. They have the audacity to land on planets that “belong to us” and scavenge resources from them. Until the Red Legion showed up on Earth, we basically only ever fought Cabal on Mars, and there’s really no reason as to why.

The Fallen, or Eliksni, on the other hand, end up coming off more as the tragic victims of our flippantly rampant genocidaire practices than actual “enemies.” They’re probably the weakest alien species we come up against. Their backstory involves them living in peace under the Traveler before their entire society was caught up in a Collapse-like “Whirlwind” and destroyed. Rather than give them Guardians, like it did with us, the Traveler instead just up and peaced out, leaving the Eliksni for dead against the maelstrom of the Darkness. The surviving “Fallen” got in their skiffs and desperately chased the Traveler across the heavens, stratifying the remnants of their society into “houses” and developing religious devotion to machines like Servitors in the process.

They tried to take the Traveler back at the Battle of the Five Fronts and Twilight Gap, and lost. Their armies were shattered, and we’ve been nonchalantly killing them en masse ever since. They are the “parasites” our Guardian must exterminate, along with the Hive, Cabal, and Vex. When we make friends with, or even simply allies with, a Fallen (like Variks the Loyal, Mithrax the Forsaken, or the Spider), it is made clear almost immediately that this 100 percent doesn’t change the relationship we have with the Fallen as a group. Variks is absolutely subservient to Mara Sov and the Awoken. Mithrax wants to create an Eliksni House that bows down to Guardians and Humanity for being “better stewards” of the Traveler than the Eliksni was. The Spider makes it clear that he only wants to grow his crime syndicate, but that we can help him out if we want. Never once does the Vanguard or the Consensus reach out to these allies and try to broker peace. And in-game, we simply don’t have an option but to fire on and kill Eliksni in droves. Kill or be “killed,” right?

When it comes to Humanity itself, while we never get a chance to actually leave the Tower and walk through the streets of the Last City, there are at least hints as to the deep class stratification at work here. You can’t get much more on-the-nose than an ivory tower of immortal beings overlooking an enclosed human race. Guardians atop humanity, the Speaker above the Vanguard over the Consensus over the people, and you, the very fulcrum on which history pivots, functionally over everything else. But in the mythical reality of this game, it’s really the Traveler über Alles, and humanity underneath the Traveler has become a wonderful, diverse melting pot without class, without fear. An ideal state where the walls keep Darkness at bay and humanity can discover the joys of tonkotsu ramen yet again.

A Light Story Vs. Lore Steeped in Darkness

Destiny has a reputation, unfairly earned, for being an okay game with a bad story, or at best a nonexistent one. The story isn’t really all that bad, it’s just poorly implemented up front, and I think my willingness to engage with the game’s world to the extent that I have is a testament to how powerful and evocative some of the beats in Destiny’s writing truly are. If we dissect the game we can separate the writing of the “story” from the writing of the “lore,” and in watching the plot develop over the past few years, we can see a gradual unification of these two areas start to occur.

This is helped greatly by third-party resources like Ishtar Collective, and by mechanical decisions Bungie made in D2Y2. Adding the lore back into the game with Forsaken was a good idea; choosing to fully integrate the lore into the world starting with Season of the Forge was a great one.

A side-effect of this lore-plot unification is a dismantling-in-real-time of some of the game’s most beloved and widely-spread legends, like the legend of Shin Malphur and Dredgen Yor. Even our personal legend is challenged in this way, and it’s a really neat way that Bungie writers new and old are critically engaging with their work. But it also really throws into stark relief some of the issues I’ve laid out in this article so far.

Take, for example, the lore book “Stolen Intelligence.”

Presented to us as intercepted secret Vanguard transmissions, “Stolen Intelligence” shows us exactly what the Vanguard really thinks of our actions, and what their goals really are. It was part of Season of the Drifter, which overall had a “trust no one” vibe to it, but some of the entries here are BLEAK, y’all.

Here’s an excerpt from the first entry, titled “Outliers.”

“Fallen armed forces continue to fall back from active fronts across Terra. Factions of House Dusk remain active in the European Dead Zone. Throughout the rest of the globe, refugee attack incidents have dropped by more than 70 percent since the conclusion of the Red War – largely attributable to depressed Fallen and human populations rather than any significant change in interspecies relations.

[…]

“The recent trending emergence of so-called “crime syndicates” (cf. report #004-FALLEN-SIV) is emblematic of the continuing destructuralization of Fallen society. Likely an artifact of multi-generational colonization of human strongholds, this agent believes that because these syndicates have no relation to indigenous Fallen culture, young Fallen are appropriating and imitating human mythology in absence of a strong cultural heritage of their own.

[…]

“VIP #3987, another former confederate of the Awoken, is a lesser-known personality known as Mithrax. Scattered field reports suggest that like #1121, #3987 styles himself a Kell of the so-called “House Light,” an otherwise unknown House apparently founded by #3987 himself. We have secondhand accounts that Mithrax has engaged in allied operations with Guardians in the field, though we have not as yet been able to corroborate these accounts with any degree of veracity. This agent is inclined to treat these reports with a healthy degree of skepticism until otherwise confirmed, as they may be propaganda from Fallen sympathizers in the Old Russian and Red War Guardian cohorts. We have requested intelligence records from the Awoken which may further clarify the matter.

“In addition, whatever the findings of said intelligence records may be, it should be stressed that one or two sympathetic outliers cannot be relied upon to erase the wrongs of past centuries, nor should their good-faith efforts to correct the sins of their forbears be taken as sufficient symbolic reparation.

[…]

“We have come too far to pull our punches now.”

Bungie. Destiny 2: Forsaken – Season of the Drifter. Lore Book: Stolen Intelligence. Outliers. Activision Entertainment, 2019.

Here’s another piece of “Stolen Intelligence,” about our relationship with Cabal Emperor Calus:

“Related to the above, #3801’s aggressive propaganda campaign appears to have been successful. Despite #3801’s recent inactivity, sentiment polls captured in the Tower at regular intervals over the last several months indicate that he has successfully swayed a significant percentage of the Red War cohort to believe that he may be a potential ally. Given our history with the Cabal as well as the events of the Red War itself, this is shocking and perhaps attributable to a case of mass traumatic bonding.

“It is my strong recommendation that the Vanguard pursue a reeducation curriculum before #3801 invites any Guardians of the City to defect to his service, a possibility which we have documented in multiple previous reports.”

Bungie. Destiny 2: Forsaken – Season of the Drifter. Lore Book: Stolen Intelligence. Passivity. Activision Entertainment, 2019.

Other entries detail the efforts of the Vanguard from keeping ostensible “conspiracy theories” from being published in the Cryptarchy’s journals; show the apparent oddity of mortal-Guardian “integrated neighborhoods;” and discuss the ongoing surveillance of the Drifter, a rogue Lightbearer who has survived since the early Dark Ages and who uses Darkness-aligned technology to run a PVEVP game called “Gambit”.

There are many other stories like these, scattered throughout the lore. Stories of Cryptarchy students being banished for making fun of New Monarchy’s leaders, of Guardians messing with Hive technology being burned alive and killed fully by the Praxic Order for their crimes of experimentation. Stories like these wouldn’t happen – couldn’t happen! – to our Guardian, because they’re too important, but are seemingly everyday occurrences to less consequential members of this society. In the real world, we’d call that an increasingly oppressive police state. In Destiny 2, it’s just flavor text.

There was a degree of narrative complexity added to Season of the Drifter that hadn’t been in the game prior. The entire season was essentially boiled down to “which side are you on, the Drifter’s or the Vanguard’s,” and in our path to make a choice, we heard from various bit players in our world. The Drifter told us his story in greater detail than perhaps we needed (and how much of it is true is debatable), but his story is also the story of a less morally-pure Guardian class. Everyone from the warlords to the Iron Lords did heinous shit to humanity while the Drifter watched, and it hardened him. The Praxic Warlock Aunor goes all in on her adherence to the City’s propaganda and ideology, trying to show us how untrustworthy the Drifter is. She ends up revealing more of her order’s goals than perhaps was wise.

This narrative complexity is nice, but it still betrays the game in a fundamental way. We now have the documents. We know what Guardians are actually about, and how they’re not exactly shining beacons of unwavering good like the Speaker would have had us believe. Regardless of declining Fallen activity, of a shift in Fallen culture, of actual living Fallen who want to ally with Guardians, the Vanguard is still adamantly pursuing “extirpation,” which is a fancy way of saying genocide (I’m not kidding, it literally means “root out and destroy completely”). We know the Vanguard and the Praxic Order have a hard-on for exile, reeducation and information suppression.

On top of everything, the narrative complexity was not met with any kind of mechanical complexity. Even with proof that the Vanguard wants to kill every Eliksni in the system, conscientious objectors don’t get to opt out. The narrative path that forks between the Drifter and Aunor converges again by the end of the quest. The “conspiracy theorist” that has been trying to publish paper after paper detailing exactly how the Nine worked with Dominus Ghaul to sneak his fleet into City airspace undetected was proven right by lore WE FIND IN THE GAME, but that doesn’t change our combat relationship with the Cabal remnants anywhere in the system, and homeboy still gets his papers rejected.

Ikora and Zavala, our remaining Vanguard members, insist repeatedly that Guardians are not a warfighting force, that the Vanguard and the Consensus is not an authoritarian organization. But everything we do says otherwise.

“A peace born from violence is no peace at all.”

Guardians do not get to choose their paths in the world of Destiny 2. The paths laid out before them lead to a life of warfare, of pain, of endless murder. Ostensibly, they are agents of good, trying to beat back the forces of evil, but if you look too close you see that really they’re just a bunch of indiscriminate killers with a mandate from the Orb God. Desperate to get out from under the heels of warlords, the Guardians created a fascist society, and adding insult to injury they pretend it’s a democratic, free one. Killing the Fallen is genocide, but you can literally never stop killing them because the game won’t let you. The only right way to play at that point is to turn off your console and go outside.

Destiny 2 isn’t the only video game to fall into this trap. As Nic Reuben said in the follow-up piece to his first story on how Destiny 2 is fascist, “I’m not saying Destiny is propaganda, just reliant on some of the same narrative tricks that make propaganda so powerful. At the same time, I don’t think that it’s too much of a stretch to say that games like Call of Duty make certain assumptions about what is justifiable, righteous slaughter and what is terrorism. Replace modern military hardware with future tech, replace terrorists with alien races that have traits synonymous with cartoon portrayals of traditionally marginalized social groups, and you’re effectively playing through the worst aspects of Call of Duty with a new coat of a paint.”

There is one glimmer of hope in the game. One sliver of lore that gives us pause and helps make the game bearable in its current state. It comes in the form of Lady Efrideet, former Iron Banner handler, youngest member of the Iron Lords, and a Guardian in self-exile from the City, the Vanguard, and its fascist dogma.

Lady Efrideet is one of the most fearsome Hunters in the Destiny universe. She is known as one of the best marksmen, if not the best one. She is impossibly strong, having once thrown Lord Saladin bodily off a mountain into a Fallen Spider Walker, destroying it. And she is also one of the only named pacifist Guardians who isn’t a member of the Cryptarchy. Her story is the story of the fall of the Iron Lords, as well as the beginning of the SIVA crisis, many years before our Guardian’s rise is documented.

But it isn’t SIVA or the Iron Lords that we’re interested in. Instead, we know that after SIVA was sealed away, Efrideet snuck away from Earth. She saw the deaths of everyone she knew and her will to fight was shattered. If this was the result of fighting for the Traveler, she didn’t want any part in it. So she took to the stars. In doing so, she ended up in the far reaches of the solar system, beyond even where we currently roam. It turns out, a small enclave of other Lightbearers, hesitant or unwilling to use their powers to kill, had also fled to this part of the system and had established a colony. It’s there that Efrideet resides, and it’s there I’d like to go.

Unfortunately, our Guardian is too “important” to the vast tidal forces at work in the Destiny universe for us to be able to leave for the outer reaches whenever we want. Because we are the hub on which the wheel of history turns, and there is no escaping that now, if ever we could. We are death, the flattening of a complex and intricate universe into one of simple shapes, the sword logic in a human/Awoken/Exo body. We are needed for the plans of the Nine/Mara Sov/Hive Queen Savathun to come to fruition. When or if the Darkness ever does come back, we will be the force that faces it and, win or lose, shape our future afterward.

Sometimes it’s nice having a video game place your character on a linear track. Games like Half-Life or Titanfall present to us simple choices in otherwise-complex story environments: progress, or die. Our characters are not immortal, but they have help from the technologies around us, are tenacious, are resourceful, are quick to adapt to changing situations. In Destiny, we simply exist. We can’t truly die. Even when it comes to the rules of the game, our immense “paracausality” causes us to shrug Darkness Zones off as mere inconveniences where other Guardians have died their final deaths. Because we are necessary. The Vanguard and Consensus need us to justify their horrific fascist policies. The great forces at work in the background need us to work as a pawn. Even Bungie itself needs us, powerful, trapped beings with a sense of right and wrong but no agency to actually act on those ethics, to continue its game.

I haven’t preordered Shadowkeep yet. For once I’m glad we’re not focusing on the Fallen or the Cabal. Going to the Moon means we’ll pretty much just be dealing with Hive, to say nothing of the unreal Nightmares we’re supposed to face. But I’m still undecided as to whether I even want to order Shadowkeep in the first place. If Lady Efrideet can go to the edge of known space and live peacefully with other pacifist Guardians, maybe I can put my controller down and step away, once and for all. It would be nice to have the extra space on my Xbox One’s hard drive. Other games exist to be played, and having the time and energy to do so would help me here, with No Escape.

But even then. I’m not expressing agency as a Guardian, but rather as the person who controls you, Guardian. While I go off to play other games, you sit and wait in stasis. Even if I don’t play, there are a million iterations of you willing to commit genocide daily for cheap rewards (shoutouts to the sixtieth Edge Transit drop in my inventory this month alone). Sure, it’s just a game. But this is what having a dynamic world means in practice. There are consequences to your actions. There always have been.

There is no reason why Humanity couldn’t share the Traveler’s gifts with, at the very least, the Eliksni. There is no reason why we couldn’t just ignore the Cabal in a state of mutually assured destruction, given how small a faction the Red Legion was relative to the Cabal army’s full size. Of the two remaining enemies, the Vex are less evil than they are simply a thing that wants the universe to be like it, and that’s threatening to diverse life throughout the universe, not just Humanity. The Hive/Taken are the true enemies in the game, but even they are directed, pawn-like, by their Worm Gods.

There is, likewise, no reason why the Risen had to organize in the fascist context they did. They could have created a society in which everyone could come and go freely, where ideas and actions could be given and received absent interference, where a true “golden age” could have sprung up naturally simply by living together harmoniously and using the Light the Traveler gave them to create, rather than destroy.

But that’s not how this story shakes out.

[goddamnmuses-a]

Dan Watches: Star Wars: Episode I -The Phantom Menace

So.. I got the idea of writing my thoughts up as I go basically as they get to the Gungan city so.. i’ll try and remember my thoughts before that and then I’ll do it kinda live. Under the cut cus long. 

Alright.. So the opening crawl was very.. politics which to be honest as i’ve got older I actually kind of enjoy that side of Star Wars but it doesn’t really add anyhting to the actual film because I think everything thats in it could be picked up by just watching the film. 

I kinda like the battle droids.. weird soft spot for them. I like the big ship ones too and Droidekas i thought were the coolest shit ever when i was a kid and i stand by that. 

I’m not all that bothered by the racial stereotypes because like.. i’m not the races they’re sterotyping but i can see why it’d be problematic.

Jar Jar isn’t as annoying as everyone makes him out to be.. don’t get me wrong.. he’s annoying.. but he’s not cancer. 

Aesthetically the Gungan City is pretty cool, giant underwater bubble city.. i bet there’s cool fan art of it somewhere. 

Alright now we’re live.. The duck things the Gungans ride are weird. 

Do Gungans like JarJar eventually become the giant Green guy? .. I googled apparently they’re just two different races of Gungan despite looking like totally different Aliens.

It’s nice that all races are like “Life debt? Oh yeah thats a legit thing.”

Gungans speak like English or Common or.. i forget the Star Wars term.. Basic? is their second language.. but it isnt. 

Yooo Qui Gon just made JarJar go to sleep using the force.. Why is Force Sleep not a thing in more stuff... gotta keep an eye out for that now. 

Naboo is pretty.

Padme is so extra, she’s in her iconic red dress that’s already extra as fuck and then sees that she’s been captured and is like “Alright.. but first.. wardrobe change!” and then shows up in some black number. I’m not sure if at this point she’s actually Padme or if Padme is pretending to be one of her servants now but either way she had a costume change and nobody questions it so she must be having costume changes all the time. 

When Qui Gon force pushes two battle droids theres a really weird sound effect that sounds like it belongs in a mario game. 

Pretty sure Padme is the handmaid now and this new Queen should take the opportunity to be like “Yoo peace out bitches.” Then we get Keira Knightley’s adventures in Star Wars.

Also who was she before this swaparoo? Was she a handmaid and just suddenly got promoted to queen? Like she could be saying all sorts of shit. I know she gets revealed later on but think of how much she could do whilst Padme is away. 

The first words ever spoken to R2 in Star Wars, chronologically, (although inderectly) are “Hello Boyos”. Just sit with that. 

The first words spoken to him directly are “How rude.” which seems about right tbf with how sassy he is. 

Darth Maul is awesome. 

Keira Knightly or Sabe (I looked it up) is like “Yo actual queen, clean that droid!” i think she just wanted to feel more powerful than the actual queen there, little power trip. 

Nice Poncho Qui Gon. Cal approves. 

I wonder how long Padme took to convince the others to let her go off alone with Qui Gon and Jar Jar and R2 (Dunno why R2 joins them?) on a planet thats ruled by the Hutts

I kinda like Watto.. not as a person.. he just amuses me.

Kinda cool that Anakin can speak Huttese, wish he spoke it more often.. just cursing in Huttese as Obi Wan tries to teach him stuff. 

“Are you an Angel.” Smooooth kid. Smoooth, you’re gonna get with her. Despite her being way older than you. They couldn’t have just made him the same age as her? 

Toydarians should be used for more things, especially involving force users. 

Anakin. The slave. Is like “Here Qui Gon, you’ll like this food.” and he’s just like “Cheers” and pockets it for later. Dude. Try it. 

I really hope they do go into more High Republic stuff next, give me a Destiny-type game where you play as a Jedi with your mates. 

Quigons like “You must have Jedi reflexes to race pods” Then he catches Jar Jars tongue in a blink of an eye and Anakins like “You’re a Jedi Knight aren’t you?” And Qui-Gon is like “What makes you think that?” ...? .. You just fucking.. God damn it Qui-Gon. 

Anakin: “No one can kill a Jedi”. Palpatine: “Hold my Blue milk.”

I feel like im becoming fluent in Gungan broken basic which is worrying. 

Anakins mom whos name i’ve literally just forgot is like “He was meant to help you.” ... bitch.. what? Why does nobody question that? 

WHY DOES JAR JARS MOUTH MOVE WITH OTHER PEOPLES LINES!? ... Darth Jar Jar.  #PlagueisTheWiseWasAGungan. I mean not rly but seriously.. that would have been a really cool plot twist. 

Jar Jar got numbed and got his hand stuck.. so like.. perhaps not.. otherwise you’re playing a little too dumb mate. 

The look of worry from Shmi, good stuff. 

The two Headed announcer speaking basic and Huttese is pretty smart like, the one doing one and the other doing the other. 

What the fuck is Clegg Holdfast?

What the fuck are any of these races? Like.. where are these races throughout the rest of the franchise? 

Crazy that lightly bending that one part of the podracer can fuck it up so bad. 

Who the fuck is that other Hutt? Oh yeah I’m watching the like updated version with Geroge Lucas’ “Fixes” in it. Probably should have said that earlier. 

I cant remember if this is true but I’m pretty sure Qui-Gon knows Padme is the Queen and is just fucking with her at this point. 

Man Pod Racing is cool, fuck whoever says it isnt. 

Gimmie an updated Pod Racing ps4 game.

What the fuck is that long thin alien thats selling food to the crowd? Gimmie a Jedi version of him. 

Havent commented in a while because i just kept watching it tbh.

Coruscant looks cool. Still want more High Republic stuff. 

What the fuck is that driver alien, he looks in pain to exist. 

“There is no civility, there is only politics” The Chancellor code. 

Is it too late to call a vote of no confidence on Palpatine? 

I see you there in the background Yaddle. Get it girl. 

Fuck me the added extra of this long neck ass Jedi Master is so distracting. 

Where Jaro Tapal at tho?

You’d think after Padme’s like “Surprise bitch it’s me” moment coming up the Jedi would be like “Well shit.. maybe we’re less aware of things than we think... Yoda.. are you just a short human painted green?” 

Amedala... So extra with these outfits. I get that she’s a Queen but Jesus. 

Eyyyyyyyyyyyy it’s ET. 

Qui-Gon is such a bad boy. 

I kinda get why Jedi take kids when they’re really young, so they can’t remember their parents so they aren’t constantly worried about their parents and then fall to the dark side... doesn’t make it any nicer though. 

My vote went to Bail Antilles. 

To be fair not training Anakin could have been very bad. He could have like gone even more Darkside and Palpatine could swooped in and trained him himself completely. 

Maul is barely in this but fuck is he still cool. 

You know what I don’t hate Midichlorians. They’re just like atoms that stick to certain people and thats what gives them access to the force, it doens’t really change anything it’s just a scientific explination. 

You know what.. During the middle of the film, Jar Jar keeps his mouth shut and just lets people get on with it, that’s alright. 

How old is Obiwan supposed to be in this film? 

A little more variation in these creepy ass gungans would be nice. 

Damn the Viceroy and the other guy are huge or Maul is smol. 

Love that Gungan dindgeridoo horn thing. 

I also love the giant bubble shields. 

Are they watching a Star Wars battle tactics pc game on that screen?

Fuck The Darth Maul fight is badass. 

I don’t buy Anakin at all, he wants to fly out there and get involved, the little shit. 

Quigon doesnt even flip when he jumps, he’s just like “I’m too old for this shit.”

Yeah R2 is like “Go back” and Anakins like “Naaa fuck that”... Tut tut. Boys gonna be trouble.

The way Maul stalks back and forth the other side of that barrier like a Sith Tiger.. Good shit. 

Aaaaand Quigon is dead. RIP. 

“Now This is Pod Racing.”.. It’s not though is it? 

Nice to have something blow up and actually have debris instead of just all being gone completely. 

Anddd there goes Maul to go get robot spider legs and then be found by his bro Savage. 

Why do you wanna bring balance to the force anyway if it’s currently so one sided favouring the light side? Surely bringing balance is a bad thing at that point. 

Yoda’s already soooo old. 

Alright so they know there’s a Sith out there and the guy is still just like right next to them and they don’t know. Tut. 

That Jedi behind Mace Windu at the end looks intimidating as shit. 

Padme, he’s a kid, calm yourself down woman. You predator. 

Alright.. Film done. 10/10 Best movie ever. Naa tbh I enjoy the prequels more than most, obviously if you’ve stuck with me this long you know that but it clearly has its flaws.. still.. I enjoyed it! Feel free to ask me my opinions on specific things if you want.  Also shamelessly gonna plug my two star wars muses Cal and Savage here, rp with me you cowards. Also I’m down to star wars verse any of my other characters, literally any of them, i have ideas for all. 

[aprilssschild]

50 QUESTIONS FOR EVGENIA MEDVEDEVA

1. Why don’t you have a driving license?

— Becauee I’m afraid.

2. Best moment of 2019?

— New Year. I love New Year and I spent it in Moscow, at home, that’s why. I was on tv twice at the same time!

3. Do you listen to Putin’s speech?

— Oh, of course.

— Putin’s been here all Zhenya’s life.

— Z: Well, yeah, btw

4. Best invention of humanity?

— I’ll be ordinary and probably wrong, but Iphone, telephone.

5. If the name Evgenia didn’t exist what would be your name?

— Alisa. There were two options how to call me: Alisa and Evgenia.

6. The coolest number on your phone?

— I have Sergey Zverev’s number! He also gifted me earings!

7. The most famous person you’ve ever told to sod off?

— I can’t answer this question because I don’t remember. No...wait I can, but I won’t .

8. The most expensive thing you’ve ever bought?

— A Louis Vuitton bag. A big one, for luggage. 1500$. But it was a gift so I payed only half of the money.

9. Best place you’ve ever been to?

— Japan.

10. Where would you live if not in Russia?

— Only in Russia.

— But what about Canada?

— Well, I live there now, but after I retire I’ll return home.

11. Say something in Japenese.

— 私はとてもおなかがすいています

— What does it mean?

— I’m very hungry.

12. Do you know any Japenese swearings?

— 地獄

— And this means?

— Shit. I’m not a specialist, but I want to learn Japenese very much and I will. And as far as I know, they don’t have a lot of swearings.

13. Your favorite Russian swearing?

— I try not to swear but I say “вашу мамашу!»(a very light version of motherfuck) especially when I’m confused

14. And what about Canada?

— Oh, shit or what the fuck.

15. A movie that made you sobbing?

— “A Star Is Born”. That last scene where she were singing. There were boys with is and they were trying to hold on but I was sobbing.

16. Describe your life in Canada in 3 words?

— Calm. Boring. Productive.

— Why everybody says that it’s boring in Canada?

— Because my practices finish at 4pm and I have absolutely nothing to do. Thankfully I stopped eating meat, fish and dairy so to eat properly I have to cook

17. Justin Bieber or Ryan Gosling?

— Who? Justin Bieber!

Kovtun or Kolyada?(Max unexpectedly sits into the car and starts asking questions)

18. 3 things which are better in Canada than in Russia?

— Cricket Club, constantly smiling people and the third one...well it’s hard but let it be food.

19. What would you bring to Canada from Russia?

— Maxim Kovtun.

20 Olympic Gold or being always young?

— Olympic Gold. Olympic Gold! I don’t want to be forever young.

21. Tatiana Tarasova in one word.

— Great.

22. What tattoo would you like to get?

— Most likely a little moon somewhere on my wrist.

— M: How about a skate? Javi’s got one on his leg.

— Z: Wait, are you serious?

— Int: Guys see it in their locker rooms or maybe he sent it to Max!

A song you have on repeat?

— Billie Eilish “Bad Guy”. And the Russian one...I have a friend Yura and I promised to piar him somewhere so Haru, hi! Also Монеточка “Каждый раз» and NOIZE MC.

23. Your best friend unfollowed you on Instagram. Your actions?

— I will ask wtf and unfollow her back.

24. Your favorite clothes brand?

— Nike.

— And the most expensive thing in your closet?

— NIKE X OFF WHITE

25. Your unexpected talent?

26. You told Masha Komandnaya that during flights you write and draw...

I’d like to create something with such print. A sweatshirt, maybe

27. What’s harder football or figure skating?

— Figure skating.

28. Tell me why fs fans are sometimes more cruel than Spartak(lol) and CSKA fans during the derby?

— In the last two years figure skating has become incredibly popular, like bever before. Among every 100 people there are 1-2 unnormal. And I don’t know why but they go crazy and write so a lot of comments that it seens like there are many of them

29. Describe Alina Zagitova in one word.

— Hard worker. I remember how we worked before the Olympics. And I can say that she works like crazy.

30. Describe Liza Tuktamysheva in one word.

— Funny. She’s really funny and never cares about some little things. I try to learn from her.

31. Now describe Yuzuru Hanyu in one word.

— Winnie the Pooh.

32. Why everybody says that you and Yuzuru are a couple?

— I don’t know. It’s not a mainstream already, not cool. I’m so used to the fact that fans are trying to find me a husband that sometimes they offer me some options and I’m like “why not?”

33. How strong is Putin’s handshake from 1 to 10?

— 8 but maybe it’s because I’m a girl.

34. What annoys you the most in people?

— A lot. Sometimes people and their existence in general. But seriously, laziness.

— And in yourself?

— I’m too open. Sometimes it bites me back.

35. What would you change in your appearance if you could do it in a snap if your fingers?

— Nose, please nose.

— What’s your opinion on plastic surgeries?

— It’s normal.

36. Tell me about meeting with Denis Glushakov.

— We talked about sport. He asked a lot about figure skating, about the Olympics. A lot of things were goung on in my life that time so yeah.

People hate in Glushak a lot at the moment. What advise would you give to him as a figure skater?(I’m not Zhenya but he shouldn’t have cheated on his wife and be a rat towards his coach, idc).

— When there was a lot of pressure on me I deleted Unstageam. It helps. Now I have it again. I gained the immunity. I don’t care what people say abot me. I open it, laugh and close it. But before Worlds, before the start of the season I deleted my Instagram and read books.

37. Instagram or VK?

— Instagram.

— Iphone or Android?

— Iphone.

—WatsApp or Telegram?

— Telegram.

— Sobchak or Dud’?

— Sobchak.

— Dud’ or Urgant?

— Urgant.

— Dzyuba or Ovechkin?

— Ovechkin.

— Kharlamov or Batruha?( Russian comics)

— Batruha.

— Sushi or Borcht?

— Borcht.

— Puppies or Kittens?

— Puppies!

— Kristian Kostov or Brad Pitt?

— Kristian Kostov. What a silly question.

— Zagitova or Tuktamysheva?

— Both.

— Batman or Superman?

— Superman.

— GoT or Sailor Moon?

— Haven’t warched GoT so Sailor Moon.

— Go partying or have some sleep?

— Well...

— To be a leader or to follow?

— To be a leader.

— To write to your crush first or wait for their actions?

— I always write first. It’s awful but I do. I’m not afraid to make the first step.

— K-pop or Russian rap?

— K-pop.

— You are ambassador of k-pop in Russia. What does it mean?

— That I love k-pop. It’s becoming more and more pipular.

— Yeah, even Ed Sheeran...

— Oh, I love Ed Sheeran!

38. An actor you had or still have a crush on?

— I was 15, maybe 16 and I watched “Flash” so it eas Grant Gustin. Ah, god, it’s just...

— Wrote to him on Instagram?

— No, but I have his autograph. A fan gifted it to me. Idk, how this happened but I was like “Aaaaah!”

39. The most beautiful man except relatives?

— Chan from EXO.

40. The most fashionable woman?

*points at herself*

— Ok, it was sarcasm of course. But to say seriously in classic stule it’s definitely Lady D. Maybe it sounds very boring but it’s true. At the moment I love what Billie wears. It’s something new. She always wears something big. And I love big clothes! I feel so tiny!

41. When was your last date?

— Two days ago.

— Rate it from 1 to 10.

— 8.

— Just like Putin’s handshake.

42. Who should pay on a date?

— I always protest, but I think the guy should. But I always feel very awkward when they dio it. I feel ashamed when I get expensive gifts or when someone pays for me at a restaurant.

— What’s your perfect date ideas?

— I’m a romantic, and I’m sentimental so the best idea is Red Square in New Year’s Eve.

43. What annoys you in girls?

— I think a girl should be a little bit envious, a little bit tricky and even bitchy. It’s in our nature. But I hate when they are like: “Weeel, I don’t know...I think I won’t go...” Idk how to call it.

— Mannerism.

44. How to understand if a guy is in love with you?

— I don’t know. At the moment I really don’t. I’m to young!

45. Your source of strength?

— Faith. Faith in something. In your bright future, your relatives, your friends. Faith in good things. But at the moment it’s faith in myself.

46. Have you ever written a love poem?

— In my life I wrote like three poems. I’m very sorry but I don’t love poetry. For me it’s weird when someone speaks in rhymes. It’s unntural. But 1 of that 3 poems was romantic. I don’t jnow how many pages there was but it took 10 minutes to read it.

47. What doesn’t let you sleep at night?

— Instagram!

48. Last philosophical subject you were thinking abot?

— What happens to a planet when it gets into the dark hole? Does it become smaller? Does it vanish? I know that I can google it but it’s not interesting that way.

49. Random fact about space.

— My fans gifted me a star certificate so there’s Medvedeva flying somewhere in space.

50. There is a sport term “MVP”. So who’s the MVP of planet Earth right now?

— In total, not only in sport? Come one, there’s no such person.

Source

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK I THINK I FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE OF WHY I ALWAYS LIKE THE VILLAINS BETTER

Like man it always makes me so confused cos i mean im a soft AF person and i always end up having sympathetic redemption headcanons for them so its not like i like VILLAINY ITSELF but what else do all these characters have in common?

Thats it. Thats it, ursula helped me crack it.

I just WANT THOSE TRAITS ON THE HEROES

I really want a nice confident sassy funny chubby trans auntie who promotes body positivity to our young hero and always gets to say the coolest lines and get the best moments and BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS

And like usually whenever you get anywhere close to seeing those "villain traits" on a hero they like.. Remove all the good parts. If you have a supportive hero aunt she's always boring and generically supportive instead, and has to look like the most stereotypical boring mess ans have a super small plot role and uuuugh thats IF SHES EVEN THERE i mean seriously aunties and grandmas are weirdly less represented as mentors than grandpas who are already REALLY HARD TO FIND and again OFTEN GENERIC AND UNFUN WHENEVER THEY GET TO APPEAR

And how damn often are we allowed to have a chubby gay aunt!! WHERE IS MY CHUBBY GAY AUNT!! ive met SO MANY chubby gay aunts in real life like 90% of all my psychologists have been either that or like.. The exact same but a straight lgbt ally instead. Sassy plus size aunties are THE BACKBONE OF OUR SOCIETY DAMMIT! I've had so much help thanks to sassy gay aunts!! And like even just looking at any damn crowd scene in a normal city centre youre gonna see so many chubby aunts and long nosed uncles and all those sorts of bullshit "ugly people" that mass media pretends are ugly and relegates to One Minor Role In The Entire Cast despite them being infinately more common than supermodels and NOT UGLY AT ALL GEEZ IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

I cant believe im a fuckin disney villain fan cos of body positivity

Tfw u suck so bad at making hateable people that the fandom universally hugs all your villains and ignores your boring protagonists like fuckin TAKE THAT DIDNEY

God i wanna hug hades sooo bad he just needs a friend aaaaaa

And i mean its not just disney, every damn time ive obsessed over a villain its been because they have some trait thats supposed to be "bad" but its actually good and we dont get to see it on the heroes

Like my thing with science villains in particular is that when i first played ff7 i really liked the idea of an evil minion who's a bad sidekick not just because he's "dumb" or "bumbling" but because he's actually not interested in any of the evil stuff and he works against his own boss and is like.. Friendly to the heroes, i have no particular grudge against you and i wont stop you if im off duty and all. I liked the Turks for the same reason but in the origibal ff7 translation they were kind of stoic and serious and i didnt really become as much of a fan of them til i saw them being more goofy and comic relief in some optional sidequests and then their movie adaptation. But hojo was always being all "lol my boss's plan is so stupid amirite" and had that very memorable scene where he's just sunbathing and tells you everything you need to know to get to the next thing to ruin his boss's plan cos i mean fuck it who even cares im just here to soak up some sun while fully dressed in a turtleneck and labcoat. It sucked so much that he was such a reprehensible bastard with creepy sexual assault vibes and murder and child abuse and experimenting on people and basically just NOT A LOVEABLE VILLAIN but his CONCEPT held so much potential to be filled by a sympathetic character instead...

So yeah then cos of him i kept being obsessed with finding SOME CHARACTER SOMEWHERE that actually lived up tp that potential, and thats why i was instantly interested in charon from pokemon and totally on edge waiting for the slightest chance for him to become That Perfect Sass Gramps Of Legend. And then he was indeed sassy!! And had so little screenyime that there was potential for interpretation of him as potentially redeemable cos i mean the game never said he wasnt, the game barely said anything about him at all, lol. And he was so old and small and frail looking and i just wanted to protect him!! And then that one wifi event that actually hinted at synpatheticness!! Aaaa its a recipe for a Forever Fave~

And i guess maybe it all started with my grandma being awesome and me really missing her? Cos i had shitty abusive parents and she was my ONLY good family member who showed me what love was like. And she was also basically a supervillain. Like every damn supervillain trait except being evil! She was bombastic and confident and sassy and mischievious and loud and passionate about stuff and always had something funny to say and never gave up no matter how many times she failed. And she also used all that great power for the forces of good!

So yeh thats why i love sassy good guys and i hate that often even when a sassy villain gets redeemed they seem to lose all their edge and become more generic now theyre a good guy. Or they get totally sidelined with no screentime anymore, or they ONLY get to be comic relief and dont get the full and complex redemption they deserve. Or just a lot of bads!! Its never the simplest answer of just fuckin.. Keep the character the character. Thats kinda why i didnt feel too much for the maleficent movie even though the concept itself sounded like everything i ever wanted. The character in that movie is a very different person to origibal maleficent, she's more just a stoic tsundere mumsy figure than a hammy badass iconicness. Still a nice villain redemption but it felt like it would have been better as an original story instead of an attempted maleficent. Also i wish they handled it better with the whole "true love's kiss could be from your mum instead" thing cos i get sooooo grossed out whenever i see people shipping movie maleficent and aurora! Like yes sleeping beauty with lesbians would be great but not when one of them is old enough to be her mum and raised her like a mum and changed her goddamn diapers! Also why did they have to ruin the three good fairies just to make maleficent have the mum opportunity? Like just remove them from the story if you wanted maleficent to raise the kid instead. No need to rewrite them into incompetant assholes when they were everyone's fave part of the original! Dont sacrifice the rare and elusive Good Sassy Gay Aunts!! THEYRE LIKE THE ONLY ONES IN DIDNEY!!! (Incodentally merlin is the equivelant of this to hades as the fairies are to ursula)

Also also villains tend to have ACTUAL FLAWS in stories that have a more boring bland protagonist. I wanna see the story behind charon's neuroses and how he struggles with overcoming his temptation to be bad because of greed but ultimately manages to conquer his own negative side because power of friendship and such. Thats a great character arc that provides so much more than he does as a villain where they just wasted him entirely :(

SO BASICALLY IN SUMMARY

* villains are often more complex and well developed characters with flaws while the same wroter might make shitty heroes due to the illogical fear that nobody would root for them if they werent 100% perfect and successful at everything ever

* villains are also often made as negative stereotypes of minorities and other rarely seen traits, which means its easy to reach out to them and reclaim them as a more positive version when theres literally no other options for you to cling to

* the quite common accidental sympathy factor where a villain will seem to be hated more than they deserve for their actions, ir unjustly punished so much that they feel like an underdog, since the writer assumes you'll think theyre "more evil" for being a stereotype and if you dont agree that this thing is bad then it seems like they have way less sins than the story claims they do

* also sass. Sass is good.

But basically the whole root of it is that its stupid and cruel and doesnt goddamn work when you make villains bigoted stereotypes. It just makes me love them! The only person i hate when i see a stereotypical villain is the writer who thought that was a good idea, lol. Just imagine that meme of the samurai holding the cat but its me holding all disney villains!

Also even if a villain isnt outright intentionally meant to be "this minority is bad", it can still make me symoathetic to them if theyre still something thats rare amoung the hero side in the same series. Like charon being the "most unredeemable" villain despite being the most harmless and funny and his plan being so much less world destroying than cyrus, and also he's the only grandpa villain in like.. The whole of all. And he's drawn very much in that way thays supposed to be "ugly" i.e normal grandpa, vs that weird sort of younger than he looks grandpa that hero ones tend to be because blablabla beauty ewuals goodness anti body positivity whatever. Tho actually sinnoh was good with that, they had the best grandpa professor in my opinion cos he got to be sassy too! Rowan always reminds me of auron from ff10. Sinnoh was a good game where i liked a lot of both the heroes and villains even if i still had more villain faves cos i mean pokemon is always biased towards that for me since every game has a voiceless perosnalityless main character and often theyre the one doing most of the heroing with the supporting hero characters having surprisingly little proper screen time. Thats a big part of why i loved hau gladion and lillie in sun and moon! They felt more like a real friend group than any other ones before.

ANYWAY now im just going offtopic into more "i love lots of stuff about every pokemon game" so ill stop typing now

But just basically VILLAINS ARE GOOD COS THEYRE GOOD CHARACTERS and if those stories gavethe same character a good guy role then id still love them just as much, if not more. I dont specifically like villainy, its just that my definition of a good character is often considered a bad character by lazy writers, apparantly?

Also WHERE IS MY SUPPORTIVE GOOD GRAMPS CHARON GAME AND GAY AUNTIE URSULA GIVES YOU FASHION TIPS SMARTPHONE MMO

[crystalelemental]

Gen 7 was unique for me, in that I was actually present and invested in a lot of the early reveals.  The unfortunate situation is that, during reveals, they showed the right things to get me excited, only for a lot of final forms and unknown things to miss their mark.   Alolan variants also wound up being too few and not sufficiently interesting to justify its inclusion, with Z-moves also being introduced but doing nothing to change competitive value of most things and just pushing power creep forward.  The real selling point of this generation was the story of SuMo (which was obliterated by USUM), and the inclusion of Ultra Beasts, the coolest concept the series has ever had.

TOP 15: 15) Comfey - Comfey was a Pokemon I just kinda liked at first.  But with its ability Triage, I attempted to run one in a tournament one time, and my god can this little shit put in work.  Leech Seed + priority Draining Kiss is hysterical, with Calm Mind boosting its damage, and either priority Synthesis or Aromatherapy being great final move support.  Comfey has a lot of sick tricks it can pull, which is great when combined with its cute look and beautiful shiny form.

14) Mareanie - Remember when no one knew what the hell Mareanie was? When it was accidentally revealed on the side of the Pokemon TCG box, and everyone was like "Oh man, what could that be?"  Those were fun times.   Even better was how cute this thing was.  Those times, during the leaks of Gen 7, were excellent, because we had all these cute options that I just knew I needed to get.  Unfortunately, Toxapex loses a lot of cuteness upon evolution, but it could've been a lot worse.  As we'll see soon.

13) Pikipek - Meet the bird that was going to be my favorite in the series. Pikipek was another Pokemon I was sure would make my final team.  I love woodpeckers, and having one in the game was divine.  Giving it Skill Link was even better, and announcing it would know Bullet Seed somehow improved it even more.  It was setting up for something incredible!  Too bad that, like many things this generation, it didn't live up to the potential.

12) Morelull - I adored Morelull.  It's such a cute mushroom creature.   Maybe it's just my bias, but if it was going to evolve, I had expected it to be a mushroom princess-type plant.  Something beautiful and elegant and lovely, befitting the glowing mushroom fairy child.   And...well...needless to say, it was not that.

11) Mimikyu - Does anyone not like Mimikyu?  I'm actually asking, because it seems like this is the fan favorite this gen.  Mimikyu is either precious or terrifying, and both are great.  It's either sad and lonely because it wants people to love it like they love Pikachu (or Raichu, in my case), or it loathes Pikachu with all of its being and wants to destroy it.  Either is fine.  Ghost/Fairy is a great typing, and it has perhaps the most unique ability in the game, operating as a free Substitute that doesn't prevent status.  This allows for some great setup, and allows it to be surprisingly good in competitive play as well. Which...surprised me, for sure.

10) Oricorio-Sensu - Oricorio is a neat Pokemon.  We've had other things in the past do a similar thing, most notably Castform and Rotom, but Oricorio still manages to stand out to me.  Sensu form in particular is my favorite, being a Ghost/Flying type with a really elegant design.   It's a beautiful bird, and a great Pokemon visually, but unfortunately lacks necessary coverage and stats to be competitive.

9) Stakataka - You know what's awesome?  Ultra Beasts.  They are the coolest thing to come out of this series in ages.  Stakataka, as a newer one, is basically just a sentient brick wall, where each brick is an individual life form, all operating together to be bigger than their opponents.  While I am disappointed that there is not a pre-evolution that is a single brick called a Taka, I suppose this is fine.   Rock/Steel is a notoriously terrible typing, but somehow, against all odds, its stats are set just right, and it has access to Trick Room and Gyro Ball, in order to blast through almost anything in the game.  As if that weren't enough, its shiny form is a solid gold brick wall.   Incredible.

8) Ribombee line - Cutiely is another of those defining Pokemon that got me invested.  Thankfully, unlike several others, its evolution was just as adorable. Ribombee is such a precious Pokemon, with its little scarf and pollen gathering nature.  I just adore how cute and wonderful this line is.

7) Tsareena line - Talk about disappointment.  I adore Tsareena.  The whole evolutionary line.  But when it was revealed, and when we got a look at its ability that shuts down priority, I thought we'd finally done it.  This was the moment that Tsareena would save Grass types.   Fast, strong, able to shut down priority, it could be amazing!  And then we see what it does...and its bulky offense. Grass...cannot do bulky offense.  We've tried this.  A lot.  It doesn't work.  Power Whip is too inaccurate while Trop Kick is too weak.  High Jump Kick is damaging, but runs a lot of risks with imperfect accuracy, and is useless in Doubles.  Even Play Rough is inaccurate.  All this, on top of a middling 72 base speed, which is just too fast to even use with Trick Room...and it all becomes a massive disappointment from the competitive side, which is the ONLY reason she doesn't rank higher.  Her design is excellent, the concept of a queen of fruits is interesting, I just really wish they'd let her be a bit more powerful.

6) Tapu Lele - Had you asked in the week before the game came out what my favorite Pokemon was, Tapu Lele would've been the answer without question. It's adorable, Psychic/Fairy typing is great, and the description of it made it sound like it had tremendous healing potential that it shared with others in a fickle manner that could cause excess harm, with its battle role being implied to be a mix of healing and status play.  And then it was revealed what it did.  And it's hyper-offense through and through.  I still love it!  But the concept of a Pokemon that worked through massive healing potential and status play to wear down an opponent would've been a lot more interesting than something whose stats mirror Gardevoir's but a bit higher, but had a god-tier ability.  It's ultimately complicit in Terrain Wars, which is the new Weather Wars from Gen 5, which I don't think many people are happy with, but I still love it just the same, even if its description was an absolute lie.

5) Pheromosa - More UBs!   Pheromosa is a pretty bug creature that will kick the shit out of you.   It's stupid fast, even outpacing Mega Alakazam, and has incredible offensive presence on both sides of the spectrum as well.  It does lack for defense, so priority can be a problem, but that's a small price to pay for having such excellent coverage options and such a great spread of stats.  Plus, again, it's very pretty, and has a nice shiny that even put on pants.

4) Lurantis - Lurantis is one of those Pokemon that I feel sets the entire feeling for a generation.   The instant I saw it, I knew I would train one, no matter what. It's such a beautiful Pokemon, and I love it dearly.  But, again, it kind of defines the competitive focus of this generation as well.  It's slow as hell and bulky offense.  Look, Gen 7, I get it.  More than power creep, speed creep has been running rampant in your game.  Megas across the two sets of games last gen went from base 100 to base 110 because 100 just wasn't cutting it anymore, and new megas needed to be ahead of the curve (even if you fucked over Gardevoir to give Gallade better tools, again making the male version the better one you shits).  But bulky offense is dead.  You killed it yourself.  Damage outputs are too damn high, boosting moves are so extreme that one boost is enough for several Pokemon to just sweep outright, and because of how EVs work you are required to pick a role.  Bulky Offense for something whose best stat value is 105 is terrible, and it's never going to work.  Maybe with Trick Room.  Maybe.  But even then we run into the problem where it's a Grass type, and is therefore awful in competitive by default.  It's a shining example of what needs to be addressed in competitive, because outside of grass being shafted and the stat spread being awful given the state of things, it has incredible tools that should help it to function.

3) Primarina line - What an excellent starter Pokemon.  Popplio can look a little doofy, but it's still cute.  And each evolution only ramps up the beauty.  Brionne is precious, and Primarina is one of the most fabulous Pokemon I've ever seen. Water/Fairy is always an excellent typing, and it's surprisingly straight-forward as a raw special attacker.  It also has an emphasis as a singer, which I always appreciate.  If it weren't for my favoritism for foxes, Primarina would easily be my favorite starter in the series.

2) Celesteela - More UBs!  This time, it's the 30ft rocket child, Celesteela! Celesteela is one that I loved based on design, but wasn't quite as high-ranked initially.  What propelled it upward was battle performance.  It is such a wall, and unlike some UBs, has a moveset that actually feels distinctly alien.  Leech Seed?  Giga Drain and Flamethrower?  On a Steel/Flying type?  It's the weirdest thing, and by extension, the coolest thing.  Celesteela is amazing, and I wish other UBs followed its lead and showed off some bizarre and alien moves.

1) Nihilego - The ultimate being.  Nihilego is, without question, my favorite Pokemon right now.  As an Ultra Beast, it's already doing great on concept alone.  It's an alien jellyfish monster that's parasitic in nature, attaching to other living beings for sustenance, but being toxic to most things to which it attaches. It has no clear-cut consciousness, being more reactive than anything, though apparently acts much like a young girl, for whatever that means.  It's an adorable Pokemon, too, and carries the incredibly unique Rock/Poison typing, technically being the first-ever Poison legend, if you count UBs are legends.  It's an unbelievably cool, creepy, and adorable Pokemon, and I love everything about it. I just wish it had gotten a signature move or something that made it seem more alien.  All its moves are standard, despite it having an atypical typing and bizarre stat spread.  Maybe some day they'll introduce new, unique moves for each UB, but somehow I doubt it.  Pokemon Company is really bad at changing things that need to be changed retroactively.

BOTTOM 10: 10) Incineroar - Starting out, it's the final stage evolution almost no one wanted, Incineroar.  While not inherently bad, and at least avoiding the Fire/Fighting curse, Incineroar's main problem is as a final stage to Litten.  Litten is cute and wonderful.  Litten is also a cat.  A species that, for some reason, is consistently awful in battle in this series.  Incineroar should've been an exception.  Should have.  Instead, it's a wrestler in a cat suit, losing the charm of a cute cat, and somehow is still not all that good competitively.  Intimidate will help it, but it's lacking in the ability to really impress with anything it does.  Combined with the rampant disappointment over a cute starter becoming a weird, tough heel wrestler, I think it definitely earns a spot here.

9) Toucannon - However what's more upsetting to me is what happened to my dear Pikipek!  Toucannon is fine on its own.  You want a toucan?  Great, go for it.  But don't make my precious woodpecker child your angry toucan that's slow as hell and has no benefit from Skill Link.  Pikipek should have been a final form that perfected the Cinccino strategy.  Instead, we get...whatever Toucannon is doing.  It's one of the greatest disappointments of this generation, and considering the complaints I had in the top 15, that's saying a lot.  However, I won't place it any lower, simply because Toucannon, on its own merits, is cool.  I like its signature move, even if it's bad.   The design is perfectly fine.  But it being attached to Pikipek as the final form is devastating, and earns it this spot, in the same way as Incineroar.

8) Togedemaru - My usual complaint about regional rodents.  Togedemaru is more battle-worthy, but that almost frustrates me more because it's just not that interesting.  It's also associated with Sophocles, which means it loses any charm it could've had by being not related to him at all.

7) Crabominable line - My long-standing bias against Fighting types.   Ice/Fighting is a unique typing, but it does little to impress me on this one.  It's slow and lumbering and kind of unimpressive in design.  I guess it's supposed to be like the abominable snowman, but...why is it a crab?  I dunno, I'm probably being petty, but I don't like it.

6) Bruxish - Imagine being a person whose favorite type is Psychic type.   Imagine seeing all these really cute Pokemon being revealed, and building up your team, and just waiting for the Psychic type that will blow your mind.  Now imagine the first psychic type they reveal is Bruxish.  This weirdly colored fish with odd lips and and teeth.  I immediately decided to use the next revealed Psychic if I could, because this wasn't getting on the team.

5) Oranguru - Oops, and here's the next.  It's a monkey!  You love those, right Steve?  Oh wait, I hate them.  Oranguru does nothing for me, but frustrated me more than Bruxish because somehow, after the first Psychic wasn't interesting, the second was somehow worse.  It should not have been like this.

4) Passimian - But what do I dislike more than inelegant Psychic types? Fighting types.  Passimian is a sport-themed monkey that is also a fighting type. Honestly, we should be stunned it's not #1, but if there's anything I dislike more than something completely opposed to what I like, it's something that changes what I enjoy into something I hate.

3) Ultra-Necrozma - In the same way Lando-T counts as its own thing because of differences between forms, Ultra Necrozma counts as its own separate entity that is terrible.  I debated Zeraora, because I already don't like it, but that seemed unfair (and also would not rank this high).  I debated putting this above a few things at least, but I feel like it deserves this spot.  Because it sucks. Psychic/Dragon legend.   You all wanted to complain about Solgaleo/Lunala being Psychic-type, and I agreed because yeah, that is a common legend typing and variety is nice, but how did this thing get away with both Psychic and Dragon but no one else is complaining?  That's literally the two most common legend typings at the same time!  It's because it's Dragon and you all love Dragons, isn't it?  Hypocrites.  The ability is really only good in specific situations, requiring super-effective coverage to truly shine, which means there's probably plenty that can wall it based on coverage gaps or 4 move slot syndrome.  It's also one point of speed away from matching things like Mewtwo, meaning it's going to be easily outpaced by certain threats and annihilated.  Its signature Z-move also does absolutely nothing interesting beyond high damage, reminding us all how worthless that mechanic was in the grand scheme.  Oh but, don't worry, in the game it'll be way higher than your average party level by this point in the game, get +1 to all stats, and have stupid good coverage options that allows it to OHKO everything you have all the time, unless you abuse Rotom Powers, so if you don't like that mechanic, too bad, get used to them, fucker.  And this isn't even truly tearing into the design.  From a weird alien monster, to a cool form where its armor has fused with the box legends to control them, and finally...glowy dragon. Riveting.  And to cap it off, its role in USUM is fairly meaningless, and it takes away focus from the far more interesting situations with Lillie's family, and instead brings all attention to "LOOK AT THIS COOL DRAGON!" that is not really that cool at all.  Without the focus on the characters that made SuMo work, you can basically say that USUM being bad was largely this thing's fault, because it's the kind of monster that's all flash and no substance.

2) Bewear line - UGH.  Okay, red pandas are adorable.  So the Pokemon based on an adorable thing should be adorable, right?  It is not.  It is horrific, and it's based on a "mascot" that wears a suit.  It's dead stare, obscene strength where it's noted to be able to snap people in half from hugs, and generally unsettling nature and just...awful.  I really don't like it.  Stufful is at least a little cuter, but the weird tag sticking out of its butt is a constant reminder that this is a creature which should not be.  But wait!  This is only #2!  What could possibly be worse than something that is a crime against nature?

1) Shiinotic - The complete and utter ruination of a Pokemon I could not have been more excited for.  Morelull is such a cute and precious creature, and it evolved into this horrific nightmare alien baby in a literal diaper.  Why would you take such an adorable and lovely creature, and turn it into this?  I have never felt such visceral hatred for a final form of an evolutionary line in all my life.  Morelull should've been beautiful.  And if we hadn't shifted to mega evolutions and Z-moves and all this, maybe I could've hoped one day for a Gen 4 scenario that offered different evolution paths or further evolution.   At least then it could've been a Golbat situation, or a Glalie.  But instead, this is it, probably forever. Morelull will only ever be this freak-ass alien baby in a literal diaper, and will never realize the beautiful potential it had.  Tragic.

[whenislunch]

This summer I saw my favorite artist perform live on an island off of Manhattan that used to serve as a jail/mental health institution.

When Frank Ocean came out with his screen grabbed text file posted as a “photo” on Tumblr in 2012, I knew the platform was something special - the one niche he could safely post something so revealing and vulnerable and still not open himself to the direct hate-filled or homophobic comments of any other forum. I had signed up for Tumblr the year prior. I joined with the fantasy of becoming a famous food blogger (and later as a nail artist) so I could quit my publicity job and score all of the PR perks that I so readily dished out to any 'mommy' with a touch of digital pretense.

Personal space on the vast internet was never my craving. I resisted being too present, and enjoyed the ability to control how much I “put myself out there” on facebook, twitter, and later Instagram. With my original two tumblrs, like Frank, I could focus on sharing and following the things I cared the most about: in early cases, it was fan art of Bill Murray, gifs of Daft Punk, and mostly photos of food I had eaten from the everyday life of a new New Yorker discovering the cult nature of the restaurant scene (a similar practice to my behavior as a teen taking shitty photos at punk shows in St Pete, Florida to pin on my bedroom wall). Tumblr became my collection of “curated cool," and nobody cared how hard I was trying or what I put up there, except for me, and it became my favorite place on the internet. Eventually, I realized all of the writers I was admiring on The Awl were including their Tumblrs in their bios, and I was there to follow them. I saw Rebecca Black become a meme before her one-hit would become a wedding band wonder. If sitting at the open kitchen counter at an edison bulb-lit restaurant was the closest you could get to a food industry version of “backstage”, then a Tumblr dashboard filled with all of the blogging generation of the “fake news media” was the analogy. It’s human nature to want to be seen and understood. Selfies perform better than friendies on Instagram - and GPOY’s on Tumblr… well I challenge anybody on music.ly to define the acronym without that peeking at the Childish Gambino Genius page first.

And that’s the tip of the iceberg for where I stand with Tumblr now. After three years of hanging out in the same field, they invited me to meet them at the dugout. After four months of interviewing and pitching challenges and pretending like I was at a digital optimization workshop, I was offered a job. After five years, or nearly, I’m ready for another one. I had the BEST time and the BEST TEAM working at Tumblr. Sentiment is incalculable, and being the Comms professionals that we are, we can swear to the moon that the effect of press results on a brand is unquantifiable when one piece can qualitatively alter the nature of the public’s perception versus the reality of a goal. And I had the the immeasurable luxury to be surrounded by the smartest, most creative, intensely productive, and to borrow a food world phrase - hardiest colleagues in the history of the internet.

My first day at Tumblr also belonged to six others - together we endured a questionable onboarding interaction and then were sent with laptops and branded hoodies to our respective seats at our superdesks on various floors. There were dogs everywhere. I was told that I’d be introduced to the company on Friday and to submit two truths and a lie to help them get to know me. Here they are:

I have photo credits in the New York Times and New York Magazine

I appeared as a backup dancer in a rap video in high school

I watercolor paintings of crustaceans as a hobby

Leave your guess in the comments (oh wait, it’s Tumblr, you can’t). 

Friday lunches were my lifeblood for a couple of months. Every week for at least seven thereafter unloaded a new set of amazing humans to be introduced in some absurd way by Sean from recruiting. I remember @sexpigeon vs Homer’s owner in game of pictionary, Johnny and Jake quickly competing for my heart as #1 engineer dudes, and of course, the instant classic game of Mark Coatney/ Marc Cote/ Marked Coat. Tumblr ramped up fast thanks to Lee, a fundraising series and at the tireless behest of my personal champion, Lindsey Dole.

Meanwhile, more magic was brewing in the cauldron. I heard @amandalynferri talking about some game she invented called Pretty Little Lasagna box, or I heard Maddie recalling the time she had her palm read in 14th street psychic's booth seeking refuge from a snowstorm, or @lexkap who sat on the other side of the building with a dog on her lap DM’d me on hip chat to show me her own nail art blog. Then a few of us won a chance to see a sneak preview of a new arthouse film by Harmony Korine and featuring an ensemble cast of former Disney talent that had been filmed in my hometown with a y2k airbrushed aesthetic - there was something innately emotional tied to each of us with this first viewing of Spring Breakers. When we left the midtown theater alongside the ATL Twins, I realized that this company had curated a community to match the intended behavior of its user base. We all connected on a level beyond any workplace I had experienced before.

And there was the professional side to the job - the work wins came quick because I was so lucky to sit under leaders who wanted the team to succeed. Rick Webb and Katherine encouraged me to dig in, and get deep with these shiny new toys called “evangelists” - Valentine, Nate, Liba, Annie, Max, Rachel, Jen, and briefly DCH. An enviable group of brilliant minds and creative energy who have all gone on to accomplish even more for their respective industries than a marketing budget at a start up could have enabled - and I had the pleasure to help share their Tumblr stories with the world - from a puppy bowl to annual southby's to groundbreaking art auctions to thirteen fucking fashion weeks to 35+ art and music shows (brrr)?

And then Tumblr got acquired and the Jenna Wortham turned the New York Times blue, and I got to do something I’m sure will never happen again in my entire career: I threw a party where the goody bag included a free tattoo, and multiple brave souls got them (Tyler, @bryanasortino, Megan & Johnny, among others).

And then Karen (aka #takingitallin aka @beautifulliving) joined, and me and Katherine gained a new teammate at the same time that I gained a new soul sister (and because of her self-described passion for advertising I never had to write an announcement about a new ad product ever again.) I’ve never been more challenged to succeed as I have over the three years I sat next to Karen - a generous and driven woman with endless dreams of supporting others (literally, ask her about the gap in the undergarment sector), who will always find a spot to squeeze me into a photobooth. Even at her wedding.

And lucky us, because then we invited @lilders into the #teamcomms fold and wow, wow, wow was life good. It was my honor working with Lily as she grew from FIT intern into somebody we should all aspire to work for someday.

Which leads to me to the poker faced improv master of all - Katherine. Allora @alittlespace! I am so lucky she believed that this girl who came into talk about a hypothetical strategy to get Eleven Madison Park on Tumblr and then pitched her a fantasy football launch party hosted by Nick Kroll and Mark Duplass could fit in and have the privilege to join the Tumblr Communications team. KB - I’ve already written you the dopiest thank you letter and shared my orchid growing miracle secrets - but it can’t be said enough - I am so grateful to have worked for you for all of these years. You are the best boss, and we will always be the #bestteam.

Because of Tumblr (and @david), I had the pleasure of working with so many additional incomparable people on projects outside of my designated Marketing Comms position, wearing more hats than we even produced for branded activation swag:

Designing and contenting for months with the relaunch of the precious Staff blog with David, Peter, Damien, Tag, Toph, among others

Setting the inaugural year in review with Danielle, Amanda, Christine loose (and then doing it again and again and again, with the wonderful team at DKC - especially that time we added a serving Kale to America’s breakfast.

Marathoning dozens of events with amazing producers like Julia, Suzanne and Magic - and encountering the native talent that thrives on Tumblr like Humans of New York, Chloe Wise, Sam Cannon, Johnny McLaughlin, Jillian Mercado, to a point where I can honestly say “I knew them when.”

Participating in the first ever Sales Offsite aka the greatest bar mitzvah ever thrown by Lee Brown, Dan Walsh and Sarah Won and the rest of the coolest sales team ever assembled (here’s to you @katemaxx, @jeffdtaylor, Meredith, Ari, Kira, and so many more)

Reaching back into my fashion bag of tricks and launching three different clothing lines.

Creating partnerships to show off super surprises at nerd parties at Comic Con and another breaking the internet for Art Basel

Interviewing the CEO of Shake Shack for the one-time-only live episode of “5 with a side of fries" in front of the whole company.

Urgently dealing with Legal, Ads, Trust and Safety on one of the definitive news story of a generation after nine months of back channeling and reporting.

DOING IT FOR THE CULTURE: Racing with the content and analytics teams for stats on the contentious day of #thedress, and then bling rings, witches, boneghazi, superwholockians, wholesome memes, studyblr, emojis, and of course, the toe thing! Thus redefining what it means to “go viral.”

Cleaned a ball pit for the dude from the 1975 to make a splash into them and trolled a legacy music publication

And wow - it took me this long to mention Post It Forward…I am so proud of everyone who helped make Tumblr the most empathetic community on the internet: Nicole Blumenfeld, Jeff D’Onofrio, @skiphursh “Dolphin", @dougrichard, Andy Sebela, Jess Frank, Sarah Won @swon, @pauwow, the brilliant and diligent Michelle Johnson. From building the blog, commissioning the art, recruiting and onboarding the partners, writing the endless number of give/gets, planning the sponsored posts and social content, running the day to day on the blog (and bequeathing that role to Lily), then doing it again with the Mental Health Quilt and IRL with the Post It Forward Summit - I’ve found my new track as a special projects person who can take on any issue, even suicidal teens. If this is my legacy, I’ve planted seeds in the garden I might never see. And special thanks to Victoria, who allowed me to speak at Obama’s White House about why kids need a place on the internet that can help heal - so long as they can find each other.

As it turns out, adults need that, too. From tailing Frank Ocean’s Ferrari to the most woke, mentally aware community and on to, thank god, a bonafide company to match - I will forever cherish my time at Tumblr and I’ll forever been asking #whenislunch. But from every tomorrow on, it will be somewhere else. And you can find me on the internet! 

Here’s my LinkedIn, I’m looking. 

[lagroupie]

Interview: Green Buzzard

From Australia to Switzerland! Shot right after the interview!

I remember discovering Green Buzzard in 2015 – I immediately loved their sound and their lyrics. Paddy also agreed to do a quick email interview even though I was just starting with my little blog. I kept following his project ever since, and it has been great to see the evolution of his sound. I fell in love with each new record, but when Amidst The Clutter & Mess came out it really felt like the beginning of a more personal yet ambitious era. I naturally wanted to know everything about one of my favorite records of 2019, so I wrote Paddy to see if we could set up an interview through skype. We managed to find a time despite living on opposite sides of the Earth, and here it is! From Lausanne to Sydney, join us as Paddy tells me about his city and his favorite record labels, Amidst The Clutter & Mess, taking pictures in the suburbs of Paris, bush fires, how to deal with asthma and more.

Many thanks to Paddy for agreeing to do this and hanging out with me, I had a great time!

For a Swiss person like me who has never been to Sydney before, could you describe what the city is like musically wise?

Paddy Harrowsmith: Well, it has changed quite a lot. I’ve been playing in bands in Sydney for a while, maybe ten years or so. There was once upon a time – It used to be really grand, it was exciting. There were lots of venues in the city, and lots of bands playing. But overtime, the venues started closing down. I’m not sure if you have heard about the lockout laws? There was a lot of controversy, it was in 2014. Some kids were celebrating New Years’ Eve in King’s Cross, and one of them ended up getting punched and dying. Since then, there’s been an outcry and they started closing down venues. They could have dealt with that in other ways, like putting better police or better transport. So now there are curfews for venues and bars, and it killed the music scene quite a bit. There are a lot less venues and a lot less bands playing - that’s the bad side of it. I just hate to start this interview on a dark note! (laughs)

It’s alright, that’s life! (laughs)

But as a result of these laws, there are a lot of great punk bands and venues on the outskirts of the city. My label I OH YOU has a lot of good bands as well, and there are other really good labels like R.I.P. Society who has a lot of great punk bands. One of my favorite bands, Royal Headache, is on it. They are from Sydney, and they are one of the coolest punk bands going around. So there is still cool stuff, but now you have to really look for it. It’s a bit more hidden and you have to know what to look for, whereas before you could just go out in the city and find cool bands any day of the week.

All these venues closing – in what ways does it affect you?

It makes it way harder. When you just want to play a show, there is just not that many venues to play at. If I were just starting out in music in Sydney now, it would be a lot harder to find a gig.

Could we talk about your album Amidst The Clutter & Mess? I know that the picture for the cover was taken in France, but how did you get this idea?

At the time when I was recording the album, I was living with my girlfriend in New York. I was also playing guitar for another band called Hatchie. We had shows in Europe, and the last one was in Paris. My girlfriend and I were planning to go there anyway. I told her about making the cover art for my album. She had been in Paris before, and she told me about these beautiful brutalist buildings on the outskirts of the city. I thought that it made sense with the title of the album - Amidst The Clutter & Mess, these beautifully ugly buildings in the middle of the chaos. The brutalist architecture is rough around the edges, and that’s what I have been trying to do with my music: you never want it to be perfect, but the decorum is beautiful. So we took a bunch of photos over a few days in different areas, and when we got back we got through them all. We chose the one that made the most sense to us. It looks a bit like a collage.

Yes I love it! By the way, could you also tell me about To Be Like You? It’s one of my favorite tracks from the record. I read in an interview that the song was about a breakup, but to me it seemed more like you were sometimes talking to yourself, especially after seeing the music video.

Yeah, I mean the whole album is about that year which involved a breakup. I was a little bit lost. To Be Like You wasn’t necessarily 100% about a breakup, it’s a bit more introspective. I am looking at myself and saying that I never wanted to become the kind of person I was. That’s what we wanted to do with the music video. I was working with the director W.A.M. Bleakley, and we got the ideas of the mannequins as an extension of ourselves, the mirrors and me talking to myself. When I saw the final result I thought “fuck, it looks a bit narcissistic!”, but it’s actually the idea of not wanting to be anything like yourself!

Don’t worry, it didn’t seem narcissistic to me! It looked more like an introspection. (laughs)

Ok, that’s good! (laughs)

I wanted to talk about your lyrics as well. They really sound like a poem that could stand on its own. Do you usually write them before or after you have found the music?

Hmm… It differs, but I think I mostly write the lyrics afterwards. I would find that a lot of the time the lyrics and the music go hand in hand. I’m one of those people that think it’s like a stream of consciousness. So when you are writing something, it’s best to go with what you first sing. That’s the mood you’re in. For To Be Like You, I didn’t sit down and thought “okay, I’m going to write that”. I just thought the line “I never wanted to be like you” was cool, and I started writing from there. For other songs like Suburban Dreaming, it was premeditated. The idea was to write about my hometown of Sydney, and at every line I asked myself “what does that have to do with the theme?”.

I now have more of a general question. When you started Green Buzzard, I saw the press pictures and it looked like you were more of a duo or a band, whereas now it seems like it’s just you.

When I started Green Buzzard in 2014, it was basically myself and my friend James West who plays drums. The band got together after that. I didn’t want to make it just a solo thing, I wanted it to appear like a band. So I did all the press shots with the band. We did that for a good couple years and released a couple EPs. They also had their own things on the side. It was getting more and more difficult to coordinate, and I wanted to go and make an album. It was a bit idyllic to think “I want to make this big band and roll in!”. I realized that if I wanted to go overseas and record this album, I had to do it by myself or it was going to take forever. All these guys are still friends of mine – James went overseas with me and played drums – and I really wish I could have brought them all along, but it just got too hard.

Could you also tell me about the story behind Country Life?

I was born in Sydney, but I used to live in farm in Oberon, which is three hours out of Sydney. I went there by myself in 2013, the year my dad passed away. My parents were living there together. So my mom spent that year living down there in Sydney, and I went to the farm to look after all the animals. That’s when I started writing music really. I was very creative and writing all the time, but I was also very sad and alone. I was super introspective, and since I was alone I could play as loud as I wanted. There were ups and downs, but I look back at it thinking “wow, what a crazy and weird year that was!”. I wanted to write a song about that year because it was such a weird feeling. When I came back to Sydney, I felt like it wasn’t my hometown anymore. It was very strange.

Thank you for telling me all this. It seems that all the songs on the album are so truthful. That’s amazing.

Thanks. I guess I just tried to be honest with this album because I’ve never really done that. I thought “fuck it. You know what, if I’m going to make an album, I’m going to make it truthful and tell the story of where I’ve been at.”

I have a weird question now, so let me know if it gets too weird (laughs). I know that you have asthma from a story you posted on Instagram a while ago. I have asthma too, and I wanted to know if you sometimes had a crisis before getting on stage or while performing. I know that sometimes there’s a lot of smoke inside music venues!

I’ve had it all my life! But mine is almost like a mental thing. If I have my Ventolin in my pocket or my bag, I’m fine. But if I leave home and I don’t have it, I start freaking out and then I need it! And then it gets worse as you breathe in. I just need it around me. For example, when I go to sleep at night and I don’t have it near me, I start panicking. Now in Australia there has been heaps of bushfires, and at the moment the air quality is so bad. Everyone with asthma needs to be very careful and stay inside as much as they can, but I have never had it at gigs and I have learned to embrace it. I haven’t taken it (ndlr: Ventolin) with me on stage a lot, but maybe I should to spread asthma awareness (laughs).

Yeah! There’s a venue here in Switzerland called Romandie, and there is always a lot of smoke on stage. Sometimes it affects me a bit (laughs).

We should start some awareness group! Like climate change, or asthmatic awareness…

…In the music industry.

Yeah, not enough talking about that.

What can we expect from Green Buzzard in the future?

I have a few shows coming up in Australia in the next months, and hopefully we can go overseas next year. We also have a couple releases coming up, we’re working on a remix thing with a friend of mine which is going to be released very soon (ndlr: one of the tracks is already out, Clutter & Mess (Masquerader Version)).

https://www.facebook.com/greenbuzzardband/

[sroloc--elbisivni]

Self rec challenge

“Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers.” 

tagged by @goodluckdetective​

five favorite fics, in no particular order.

A Thousand Days Later (Young Justice, Gen, post-canon au)

Summary: that one time travel fic where Wally doesn’t die and the Team becomes the Justice Lords.

Why I love it: ...aka That One Fucking Fic I occasionally reference in tags. With an ongoing sequel, this is still my biggest fandom project ever, and it’s probably one of the most coherent, complicated ones I’ve done. I did an enormous amount of worldbuilding and delving into obscure comics to write this and I’m honestly proud of that. Also this is the fic that introduced me to Steph so that was cool!

made of starstuff (want it to mean something) (Voltron, Gen, genderfluid Pidge Holt character study)

Summary: The name you are born into is Robert Neil Holt and when you are five years old you go to your parents and tell them it doesn’t fit.

Why I love it: ohhhhhhhhhh boy. oh boy. okay, so this right here is probably the single most personal thing I’ve posted online and it’s not even about me. I used to have a vague idea about writing this someday and then I had an enormously personal and cathartic conversation with my dad about gender and poured this out in three hours. Probably the best part of writing it has been getting comments from people that are like “oh my god this is exactly it exactly you put it into words” which is. just the most incredible thing ever. I should maybe talk about this fic more I have so many feelings behind it.

Unit Cohesion (Red vs. Blue, Gen, Canon-divergence Allison Lives au)

Summary: Allison lives. Allison becomes the military liaison to Project Freelancer. What follows is a better version of history. (aka: Beta is never created, Alpha isn't split into fragments, and everyone argues a lot)

Why I love it: well, for one, it was my first fic for RvB. So, you know, special place in my heart. For another, it was really, really fun to write. I love AUs, I love the idea of things actually going right for once, and I wanted to give Allison her due, dammit.

empty your sadness (Young Justice, Gen, Sense8 fusion au)

Summary: Or, eight times a member of the cluster told a member of their family their secret.

Why I love it: I’m Young Justice trash this shouldn’t be surprising to anyone at all. This is one of the most coherent results of any of my au worldbuilding sprees, and I ended up with something told around the edges of a main story through an outsider POV, which was fun and also provided a really unique tone. This has some of my favorite character work I’ve ever done in anything.

tread our little arcs upon our star (Red vs. Blue, Yorkimbalina, post-s13 AU where York lives)

Summary: Even with Hargrove on the run and a war ostensibly over, Vanessa Kimball has a lot of work left to do on Chorus. Luckily, the final battle brought along with it Agent York, who serves as both leader of the planet's revived intelligence network and an unwitting reminder that Vanessa's crush on Caro--on AGENT Carolina is absolutely hopeless. That isn't a problem, though, because she is going to be polite and professional and very much in control of the situation. That, of course, would all be much easier if York hadn't decided to go and be charming.

Why I love it: hahahahah i’m a month behind updating this whoops ANYWAYS this was my fic for the Big Bang, which was one of the coolest things I’ve ever done, and it’s opened up so much Chorus worldbuilding and space politics shenanigans that I never even knew I had emotions about, so that was fun. Also this ship is my leaky canoe that I will spend my life duct taping together if necessary. ALSO also apparently I really like slowburn. a lot. and letting characters go off on tangents. 

I tag...uh, @deadcatwithaflamethrower, @rishi-the-spinda, @kscinewt @arirashkae and @thefreelancerdivision if you haven’t already done this and want to! Also, anyone else who wants to do this, go ahead and say I tagged you because I’d love to see what you post!