#sam and loneliness

[asoftepiloguemylove]

Jack Stauber Just Take My Wallet // Lady Bird (2017) dir. Greta Gerwig // Everything Everywhere All At Once (2022) dir. Daniel Kwan & Daniel Scheinert // Hannah Green Night Terrors // Veruca Salt All Hail Me // Fleabag (2016-2019) cr. Phoebe Waller-Bridge // Laurie Anderson O Superman (live) // Kyung-sook Shin Please Look After Mom // Ocean Vuong Someday I'll Love Ocean Vuong // Euphoria (2019-) cr. Sam Levinson // Ernest Hemingway The Garden of Eden

[in-kyblogs]

“I remember the night I was made, the fire chokin' me, you carryin' me out through the flame and the smokes. But then why'd you take me home? Why not a hospital?” “You... You were barely breathin'.” “But I was breathin'!”

My Claudia. My redemption.

[somuchbetterthanthat]

Here's a little thing that's turning into my head after the latest episode.

Gwen has clearly been rattled by Mr. Bonzo and this casement obviously didn't help. And you can feel she wants to talk about it to someone, but she can't go to her Posh Friends she already feels "meh" about seeing because it throws back at her what she assumes to be her failures to progress As She Should in the Capitalist world, because well, they'll assume she's lost it, and she'll lost the last of her credibility.

She can't really go to Lena either, because although Lena is well-aware of everything that's going on, actually, and might have, in another world, be a mentor of sort to help her go through the process of the ugly shit they're doing (still rooting for that in the long term ngl), Gwen absolutely won't show any proper weakness or vulnerability in front of Lena -- I think what we saw of last episode is the most she'll allow herself to be. Being demanding and angry rather than, y'know, have the good cry she clearly wanted to have. Lena is still her superior; she doesn't respect her (yet, i suspect) but she's spent the last few years being openly antagonistic and unashamedly ambitious at her -- Gwen's pride can't let her go "nevermind, actually, you were right" about all of it.

Colin is off the grid, Sam and Celia are the newest babies and, possibly, from Gwen's point of view, not reliable in that they might leave soon (and also having a romance affair, though if Gwen is even just a little bit as jon-coded as she seriously appears to be rn, she has NOT realized at all) so of course, of course, that leaves Alice.

Alice might be infuriating and vexing and an horrible coworker, in her mind, but she's also the one who's been here longest, longer than Gwen. She's a form of stability for Gwen, at this point, and from what we heard in the early episodes of the show, they can, on occasion, actually discuss serious work-related topics that might affect them both. On top of that, Alice asks. Alice, however minimal the effort is, seems to care. Which Gwen seems to be in serious need of, if the coffee-scene was any indication.

So of course she tries to talk to Alice about it. Who else is there?

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Classical Period (Ted Fendt, 2018)

[everythingatrophies]

1 𝘓𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘚𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘴: 𝘈 𝘊𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘚𝘦𝘹𝘺 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘗𝘰𝘦𝘮𝘴, Caitlyn Seihl

2 𝘐𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘝𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘪𝘳𝘦

3 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘚𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘰𝘳𝘺, Caitlin Conlon

4, 6 𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘜𝘴 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴

5 𝘞𝘩𝘰 𝘞𝘦 𝘈𝘳𝘦, Hozier

7 𝘐'𝘮 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘖𝘬𝘢𝘺 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘒𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘐'𝘮 𝘎𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘉𝘦, Raleigh Ritchie

8 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘜𝘴

[rae-pss]

masterlist

˗ˏˋ꒰ 💭 ꒱ a/n. i decided to post this one for the funsies, but genuinely it's all self-insert and silly as it is. i swear it's all platonic between them (i wish i had a friendship like that). if you see any grammatical mistakes, let me know for the love of god (🫠).

˗ˏˋ꒰ 💭 ꒱ pair. platonic! winchester brothers (mainly sam) × gn! reader

˗ˏˋ꒰ 💭 ꒱ warning. they're in a bar, reader doesn't like drinking and even comments on the bad smell of it, they talk about a case in which young women had been taken advantage of which seems to tick off the reader

Not to be even remotely close to your usual Friday plans, you let yourself be carried away by the man's words on the matter. Accepting his proposition to go to some nearby bar in the area and, once there, have a supposedly good time. You weren't one for drinking, it being mostly something that could disgust you with its mere smell, but you didn't particularly feel like spending those hours alone in the motel either. Therefore, grabbing a jacket once belonging to one of the brothers, the trio headed towards wherever a bar could be in that random town.

Sam and you were already sitting at a table in a few minutes, whispering among yourselves with your chosen drink by your side. Meanwhile, Dean was playing pool, a round that would become two and then three in no time.

You crossed one of your legs over the opposite knee, your arms crossed in front of your lower abdomen, your gaze on the younger brother's face while talking to him about something, a vain way to pass the time between friends. Sadly, you weren't giving him your full attention when your mind was unevenly split between listening to him properly and the deceptive thoughts that tormented you. However, it wasn't like he didn't notice your half-minded absence, soon enough Sam decided to try to make you separate yourself from those turbulences with some tricks.

Thus, he slowly held one of your hands, caressing your knuckles with his thumb to bring your attention as close as possible to his person.

Then he smiled, the same smile you returned.

—What are you thinking about? –Your eyes met, as expected in a conversation.

—Nothing important… –Taking the initiative, you stood up and changed your place for the free space next to him. —The usual, really. –In search of some more comfort, your head rested on the man's left shoulder, your hands still together.

—And what is that named usual? –Not knowing yet where exactly the shots were going, Sam had to investigate it cautiously but being direct nevertheless.

—The last mission. It has left me somewhat upset.

Eight bodies of young women, in their twenties, were found in different parts of a forest. All with different appearances but something united them, the obvious signs of abuse on their corpses.

For issues like that, Sam knew that they left a bad taste in anyone's mouth, especially yours, who could be so sensitive; However, work was work, and things like that had to be carried out despite the difficulties.

—I understand. –Taking your hand with a little more impetuosity, he gave it a soft squeeze and gifted you another smile. —I'm sorry if this has brought back bad memories.

But, you shook your head, claiming he shouldn't worry so much.

—It's normal that we've to deal with things like this, after all, we fight against evil, literally. –Your smile, despite being sincere like your words, held a certain bitterness. A layer of resentment that you hid inside; And he knew the reason for it.

—Don't worry, you're not alone. –Letting go of your hand completely, he moved his arm so that it rested around your shoulders in a side hug. —Not when you have Dean and me. –His words brought a kind smile to your lips.

In truth, it felt good to have someone who knew you and cared about you in that way. It was a feeling that you didn't know before but didn't hesitate to appreciate it as if it were the last time you'd have it. So you snuggled up to him and thanked him for being there, which earned a few laughs.

—We're friends, that's what we're here for.

[sam-loves-seb]

soon you'll get better -- ch 2 [ 18k | 2/3 | rated: e ]

Mickey's stomach drops. "What's up?" he asks, and he means what's wrong? "Uh," Ian stammers, scratching the back of his neck. "Can we sit?" Mickey looks at Ian, looks at his hands. "Where's your shit?" "Mick—" "You had clothes and stuff when you came in," Mickey says. "Where is it?" Ian sighs. "Mickey, please. Can we sit?"

whumptober 2024 -- day 11 24? idk

(we're not gonna talk about how late this is)

[feroluce]

Thinking tonight about Caelus, and the nature of his loss and his grief after the Everything that went down in Penacony during 2.0.

Because Acheron, Black Swan, and Misha kind of knew of Firefly, they at least met her, but they didn't like really know her, and Caelus never even got the chance to introduce her to the rest of the Astral Express Crew. The only person who would have talked to her much was Sparkle, who is. Probably not really someone Caelus is interested in grieving with skznmsks

Anyway, all this to say, I like thinking about how alone poor Caelus is in his grief, because he was the only one who knew Firefly. He's the only one really mourning her. There's no one to talk about her with. There's no stories to trade or memories to reminisce with anyone over. It's not as though he knew her for long, but still. No one else knew her at all.

And I love the thought of all of this coming bubbling up, hot and acidic and bitter, during a conversation with Sampo, who Caelus just so happens to run into in the Golden Hour. Poor Sampo is kinda blindsided, he knew shit was going down in Penacony, but yeesh. And he just. Isn't quite sure what to say about it all, because he's never really encountered this before. His feelings about the Masked Fools are...a mixed bag, but he's been a part of them for a very long time, and when you're with a close organization like that, it's hard to feel alone, in grief or otherwise.

So Sampo sits there on their little bench that the two of them have occupied, and he thinks of his old friend April, how she'd died in his arms cackling and spitting her own blood after a heist gone wrong, and how after he'd dragged himself back to the World's End Tavern they'd all held a Fool's Funeral- which is basically just a big party where everyone gets really really drunk and reminisces and toasts the dead and celebrates their life.

He still thinks about her a lot, and he remembers how the time he'd most keenly felt her absence was on Jarilo-VI, the one place where he couldn't talk about her because he couldn't say anything to give himself away as an alien. The Fools still tell stories about her every time he goes back to the Tavern. His first toast of the night is always in her name. Even now, all these years after she'd died, Sampo is still learning new things about her. He's never had to grieve her alone.

Caelus doesn't have any of that.

He might never have that. As they speak, Caelus has no proof that Firefly was even her real name, or if she dreamt with her true appearance. He might not ever find out who she even was.

And just imagining that kind of loneliness hollows out a strange little pit, right behind his sternum, deep between his ribs.

So Sampo claps Caelus' shoulder and offers him a deal. Come find him outside of the dream. He knows a guy who can get them a lot of beer for really cheap-

("Is that guy you and your five finger discounts?" "Whatever do you mean, dear friend, I don't even know the meaning of the phrase, hehee.")

-and they can hole up in a bar or a hotel room or something, and get completely shitcanned. Tell him all about Firefly, tell him everything, and he'll tell Caelus about April and everyone else he's ever lost. Sampo will carry Caelus' memories of Firefly with him, and at least this way, Caelus will be a little less alone in remembering her. And the next time they cross paths, Sampo will be the one to bring her up, and to tell her stories, and Caelus can get to be the one listening. He won't have to be the only person to talk about her anymore.

Caelus rolls his eyes when Sampo avoids another remark about sticky fingers, but...ok, yeah. That sounds good. Nice, even. Thank you. Caelus bumps his shoulder against Sampo's. Sampo bumps back.

(They find each other again the next day, and true to their word, get themselves completely and utterly shitcanned. Caelus talks more than Sampo has ever heard him; every minute detail, every word choice, Firefly's every odd little mannerism and habit. Because Caelus wants to make sure this will outlive him, that even if the Stellaron dwelling within him finally burns him to a crisp and he really does up and kick the bucket, or even, godforbid, if he forgets, he wants to make sure someone remembers her. She deserved that.)

((And it takes quite a while, after that. Caelus doesn't see Sampo again until after everything has settled down. On his last day in Penacony, he finds the guy slinking out of a seedy back alley and all but runs right into him. Sampo happily leads him to some dive bar in an even seedier back alley that Caelus has never even heard of, and Sampo raises his glass. "To Firefly! Who sounds like she probably would have hated me at first, but I would have liked to have met her anyway."

And Caelus stares at him, almost looking startled, long enough that Sampo worries that he's read him wrong and brought this up too soon. He's halfway into planning how to talk himself out of this situation when Caelus finally throws back his head back and laughs, tells him that yeah, Firefly would have politely called him out on every lie he told, and all their conversations would take twice as long with the way Sampo is so full of shit.

And he can see it, the same way he watches and sees through everyone, that Caelus' eyes have a tightness to them, his knuckles are nearly white around the handle of his mug. But he smiles. He hits his glass against Sampo's far too hard and throws it back and gets foam everywhere like he does every time they drink because the guy's about as elegant as a raging bull, but those things don't lessen the genuineness of his smile.

The grief is there, but so is the elation, and those emotions aren't a sliding scale between one or the other. It is all of both and both at once, and that's what contents Sampo enough to throw his own mug back when Caelus makes a toast of his own, "to April!!".))

[gabriestat]

santiago says in previous episodes that projections are not a need in their show but armand disagrees and says it's "their [the theater's] aesthetic", and the trial has projections that are accurate on the outfits characters used despite no one supposedly knowing how claudia used to dress at the time + armand is the one who hands daniel the script in dubai and even mentions (complains) lestat going off the script + lestat looks at armand's when he says "what's worse than that? crushing something that you cannot own?" congrats armand on inventing ways of manipulating someone that didn't exist before

[owlsie-hoot]

"How are we supposed to just..."

"Carry on without them? Haven't a damn clue. Take comfort in those we do have, I suppose? There's also whisky?"

04.03

[asoftepiloguemylove]

THERE IS BLOOD ON MY HANDS AND I CAN'T WASH IT OFF

unknown // BANANA FISH (2018) dir. Hiroko Utsumi // Franz Kafka Letters to Milena; written August 26, 1920 // William Shakespeare The Tragedie of Macbeth // Traci Brimhall Saudade // Mr. Robot (2015-2019) cr. Sam Esmail // The Crane Wives Tongues and Teeth // Ethel Cain Strangers // Mary Oliver Count the Roses // boygenius Not Strong Enough // Kris Kidd // Neil Gaiman // Are you a Soldier, a Poet, or a King? uquiz cr. @atlanticsea // Nicole Dollanganger Dog Teeth // 呪術廻戦 Jujutsu Kaisen (2020-) dir. Shota Goshozono

[admireforever]

Mr. Robot

[bisaster-energy]

people who hc cas as this just. guy that helps dean with his issues and trauma. why are you living that "no one cares that you're broken cas" life. why are you not caring about him.

[shallowseeker]

At first, Cas is sympathetic to Rowena.

He thinks WOW no wonder she's like THIS:

///

Then!

He actually seems to change his mind. He seems in near disbelief that Rowena doesn't love Crowley.

///

Cas has sympathy for Crowley's plight now:

Cas's brain begins to say: Maybe I had it backwards. Maybe Rowena is why HE is like THIS

///

And later with Rowena...

In the script, Cas invokes the LOVE OF A CHILD. SPECIFICALLY.

He gives her a sympathetic smile, because in this moment, he feels wiser than she. He's BEEN the ambitious company man, the military-minded man, COMPLETELY sundered from his own emotions.

He sees her nihilism with a level of understanding that Rowena probably couldn't even comprehend.

He tries to tell AU Michael something similar in, funnily enough, an episode titled Nihilism:

///

And yet!

In the next moment, Cas helps facilitate the sacrifice of "Rowena's child."

AUGH!

From Cas's POV, he's allowing the sacrifice of this man to prevent the losses of boys like the Styne kid, and to prevent Dean from murdering the world, and... it's a delicious bit of hypocrisy. This is Cas's old pattern of the greater good, the angelic soldier doing what he thinks is best in this moment. (Even if internally, like he told Sam, everything in him is screaming, "This is a mistake, Sam!")

And Rowena? Rowena wants her own freedom (from Sam's boot).

And Crowley? Crowley is enticed by revenge. As soon as Cas reveals that Rowena has to kill something she loves (and it's been shown by this point that Crowley already knows about Oskar), he says "I'm in."

And so. Crowley becomes his worst self again, killing innocents and going after Seth the way Lucifer went after humans:

Cas didn't know about "Seth," exactly... even if he knew of Oskar.

Crowley has been sitting on Oskar, waiting for just the right time to inflict on Rowena maximum pain and revenge. And he's so excited to watch her crumble.

He's a little bit like Lucifer at the end of season 13, so lacking in love that he delights in making people who love each other KILL each other.

Rejected by Rowena, Crowley goads her to kill the son she loves. Just like Lucifer, rejected by Jack, goads Jack to kill the father he loves:

///

Like Cas's war on Heaven/Raphael in season 6, and like Amara's destructive rampage against Chuck in season 11, most of Crowley's actions in season 10 have more to do with his family than Dean.

It's not as simple as, "I did it, all of it for you," or "all that I've done for you the past six months."

It digs even deeper. Cas becomes God-like to inflict punishment and a firm hand on Heaven, and Crowley becomes Luciferian to exact his revenge on Rowena.

///

Anyway, the point is! Cas starts to understand that maybe Crowley is what he is because of his tragic circumstances, and maybe he doesn't blame Crowley anymore.

You know, like how Rose was like SHE was because of her parental wound:

The thing is, that Rose and Crystal are like Dean and Crowley. Dean's unstable home life drove him to desperation, and Crowley led him straight to his own doom, straight to Cain.

And yeah, I've seen Dean compared to Rose before. But also... Crowley is also like Rose... and Crystal.

What Rowena did to Crowley led him into a workhouse. He died drunk in an alleyway, preyed upon by a demon.

///

And Sam feels like maybe he owes Dean, that it's his responsibility to help Dean because he benefited so much from Dean's sacrifices. Sam feels like he pushed Dean to the brink, just like this brother feels like he pushed his sister to the brink:

"So you didn't bother to tell the cops that, even when your sister turned up dead?"

"I was sort of the one who brought them out there in the first place."

///

There's so much complicated family stuff there!

(Not super coherent, but I had a lot of thoughts, okay?)

I think it definitely has implications for Chuck, too. This theme unites Crowley, Lucifer, and Chuck in a delicious, delicious way:

When Dean doesn't do what Chuck wants him to do, his manner of speaking mirrors how Crowley speaks to the rebellious Demon Dean, saying to Sam: invoking barbs like "crazy" and "stupid:"

While characters like Dean, Mary, and Cas occasionally go berserker and hurt the very things they were trying to protect, it is rarely out of spite.

Godstiel hurt Sam but started the season trying to protect Sam (rescuing him from the cage)!

Demon Dean turns on Sam, when Sam is the thing he's tried all his life to protect.

Mary didn't want to become the Natural Born Killer version herself, NBK!Mary... When she went to the Men of Letters, she wanted to put a stop to evil once and for all, protecting her children and giving them a free future.

Jack isn't like this either. When he learns he "isn't family," that he "isn't loved," he doesn't behave like Lucifer. He's more like Dean, throwing himself into the cause.

ANYWAY. I just think it's interesting.

[365filmsbyauroranocte]

Classical Period (Ted Fendt, 2018)

[lonewolf638]

DEAN Maybe you can come next time. I gotta go. Call you in a couple days.