#salad lab

[sfrecipes]

Watermelon Feta Salad

[sfarticles]

Get creative with salads "The Salad Lab: Whisk, Toss Enjoy!" has lots of recipes for flavorful and unique salads that can easily be a meal.

Check out my latest column https://www.timesherald.com/2024/06/12/get-creative-with-salads/

It’s the time of year when many of us enjoy eating a salad, especially on a hot, humid day. That’s why May was proclaimed as National Salad Month. But what exactly is a salad?

What comes to mind: Caesar, Waldorf, potato, tuna, pasta? Some even think of it as rabbit food, which perhaps is true, if you think about how salads were prepared back in the day …iceberg lettuce, a slice of onion and cucumber, a wedge of tomato, some shredded carrots, and perhaps an olive or two. Today, many restaurants, especially fast-food restaurants, still prepare it this way.

In years past, salad was served as an appetizer or side dish, with little creativity in its preparation. Remember the salads that included cubes of green Jell-O?  Perhaps, I am dating myself.

Fast forward, and salads today, quite often, take center stage as meals, using a variety of greens, many unbeknownst to most in the past. Arugula seems to be popular and has become a favorite of mine. Watercress, Bok choy, endive, kale and a plethora of lettuces have taken over from plain old iceberg.

Fruits, both fresh and dried, heirloom vegetables (roasted ones add great flavor), seeds, beans, grains, nuts, meats, fish, cheese and easily made, delicious dressings are now part of the ingredient repertoire.

Salads are a time-poor cook’s secret weapon for putting a healthy and delicious meal on the table. They offer endless possibilities; go to your local farmers market and introduce yourself to some unfamiliar greens and vegetables. Ask local farmers for some suggestions, too.

With some creativity, a simple, easy-to-prepare dish becomes a delicious and healthy lunch or dinner. But remember, some salad dressings can add those unnecessary, and unwanted calories.

Many years ago, I met Wiley Mullins (aka “The Salad Man”), author of “Salad Makes the Meal,” published in 2008. He inspired me to add more dinner and lunch salads to my diet. It is quite easy with a cookbook that offers inspiration.

Fresh off the press is “The Salad Lab: Whisk, Toss, Enjoy!” by Darlene Schrijver (2024, Simon Element, $32.50). It is a welcome addition to my collection, especially with all the local produce becoming available.

You might be thinking you don’t need a cookbook to make salad. Perhaps you don’t if you choose not to go beyond tossed greens and a couple of other ingredients. Why not take your salads to the next level, mixing textures and flavors. You’ll learn to incorporate roasted, grilled, sauteed and pickled vegetables, as well as grains, dried and fresh fruit, beans and a variety of pastas.

Before getting into the recipes, the author shares her salad philosophy; for example, embracing variety and experimentation.

She writes: “The experiment section follows every recipe in this book. It’s where I recommend how to swap out polarizing ingredients, seasonal produce, animal products for plant-based products and more.”

The hints on how to shop and what to shop for to make the perfect salad are helpful. I found the “Pantry Control Group” interesting. Here, she has a column listing 16 ingredients, for example salad toppings. Then, two columns follow, one labeled basic, and one luxurious. Under basic she lists pita chips, tortilla chips, Italian bread crumbs, and under luxurious is where she lists plantain chips, sweet potato chips, cheese crisps and rice crackers.

I had the opportunity to interview Darlene.

Q: Why are some people afraid to be creative when making a salad. They just use the same old Iceberg lettuce, a few cherry tomatoes, some onion, etc.?

A: I think there are a few reasons: Historically Iceberg (and if you were lucky in the summer romaine) was all you could get. Today with overnight delivery networks, hydroponics, local greenhouses, expansion of farmers markets, home gardening, plus trending farm to table restaurants, the options are endless.

Like mac and cheese, some foods are just comforting. For salads, you see that with the resurgence of ���the wedge” salad in restaurants.

Increases in produce prices are no joke. It’s safer to use what you know. I really support substituting what is in season, on sale, or what you have on hand, and then trying a couple of new ingredients to discover what you like.  I really encourage people to experiment.

Q: Some people don’t prepare salad at home because it doesn’t taste like the ones they have enjoyed at a restaurant. Why is this?

A: Fresh herbs! I can’t emphasize this enough, such a game changer, it brings out the freshness and flavor and makes your salad pop!

Salt, I am a huge Maldon flake sea salt fan. Season your salads with freshly cracked pepper and flake sea salt (it is in almost every recipe). It enhances the flavors.

Say no to bottled dressing, make your own! It makes a huge difference. No preservatives, bad tasting oils or chemical flavors when you make it yourself. You can adjust the level of garlic, mustard and heat/spice to your personal taste.

Q: Salads are sometimes not as healthy as one might think.  Psychologically, people eat a salad and think they will lose weight. What suggestions do you have regarding this?

A: You are absolutely correct, some salads (like ones with french fries on top) are not going to put you in a calorie deficit or lower your bad cholesterol.  I am not a nutritionist nor dietitian, and anyone going on any sort of health or weight loss journey should educate themselves on that topic.

My platform is about having fun making salads, and hopefully a side benefit is people enjoy, experiment and create more meals with fresh vegetables and protein. I don’t know too many people that have gotten sick from including a larger variety of vegetables in their meals (unless they have allergy issues and there are always substitutes).

Q: What separates your book from the other salad cookbooks in the market?

A: There is something for everyone! Our “salad community” is very diverse, and I have included an experiment section for each recipe that has some substitution recommendations for vegans, vegetarians and hard-to-find ingredients.

From beginning cooks to experienced ones, I have recommendations on how to fill your pantry full of ingredients to have on hand from must haves to the luxurious for a salad.  It includes my style of recipes for most of the favorites you see at family gatherings and on menus, destination salads from different states like Hawaiian Poke salad, and countries like a West African style citrus and avocado salad.

There are seasonal and holiday salads, including one that is a whole Thanksgiving dinner, and the perfect colorful wedding salad with both roasted and fresh vegetables for everyone, including vegans (it’s the book’s cover), a few fabulous celebrity favorites that helped launch my platform, plus my favorite section called, “Everything is a Salad” where I have created favorites like fish tacos, grinder sandwiches, and pizza into a salad too.

My goal in writing this book was to share the fun and joy of preparing your own salads, and experiencing them with others. I tell my kids, everyone needs a hobby, why can’t it be making salads?  Experiment!

For the recipe for Watermelon Feta Salad, visit https://bit.ly/4cgPaym.

Watermelon Feta Salad is surprisingly fabulous in every way, blending sweet, salty, spicy, and savory in one delicious bite. (Photo by Erin Kunkel)

Doradito Salad

Doradito Salad is a little trip down memory lane as it includes Doritos as one of its ingredients. (Photo by Erin Kunkel)

The headnote says: “Who doesn’t love Doritos? Called ‘a swinging Latin sort of snack’ when first advertised in the 1960s, Doritos are still the number one chip in the United States today. Fun fact: the name combines the Spanish words doradito and dorado, both of which describe fried golden things. They are considered comfort food for some. and almost everyone has some sort of teenage flashback related to these cheesy corn chips. This salad recipe is a little trip down memory lane. I put the Salad Lab twist on the dressing and replaced the traditional bottled, syrupy Catalina dressing (yikes) with this lighter homemade one (yum). We also enjoy a little more spice in our house, so I used chorizo and pickled jalapeños instead of the classic ’taco meat.’”

Serves 4 as a meal or 6-10 as a side

Ingredients:

START OUT

1 ½ cups fresh Mexican chorizo (not cured), casings removed if necessary

Ice water

¼ cup diced red onion (1⁄4-inch pieces)

1 cup quartered cherry tomatoes, or substitute what looks best at the market

WHISK

1 teaspoon pressed garlic

1⁄3 cup avocado oil

¼ cup red wine vinegar

¼ cup ketchup

3 tablespoons grated yellow or red onion

2 tablespoons sugar

1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

1 teaspoon celery seed

1 teaspoon sweet paprika

1 teaspoon chili powder

Flaky sea salt and freshly cracked black pepper

TOSS

4 cups chopped iceberg lettuce (bite-size pieces)

4 cups chopped romaine lettuce (bite-size pieces)

1 ½ cups crushed Nacho Cheese Doritos (bite-size pieces)

1 cup cooked or rinsed and drained canned pinto beans

1 cup cubed avocado (½ inch pieces)

1⁄3 cup grated Monterey Jack cheese

1⁄3 cup grated medium-sharp cheddar cheese

¼  cup drained pickled jalapeño slices

Nacho Cheese Doritos, for serving (optional)

EXPERIMENT: Try substituting this dressing with the Cilantro Lime Dressing on page 251. There are so many canned beans available now; experiment with black beans, Great Northern beans or black-eyed peas. Use any lettuce you like or already have. If you don’t like spicy or are not a chorizo fan, substitute ground turkey or beef prepared with taco seasoning. If you like to eat the salad as a dip, don’t crush the chips and toss them in; use them as your spoon instead.

Directions:

START OUT: Heat a medium skillet over medium-high heat. Line a plate with paper towels. When the pan is hot, add the chorizo. Cook, stirring occasionally and breaking up the meat in small, bite-size pieces using a spatula, until well browned and cooked through, 6 to 9 minutes. Transfer to the prepared plate with a slotted spoon to drain. Meanwhile, fill a 500-ml beaker or a small glass bowl halfway with ice water and add the diced onion. Soak for 10 minutes, then drain and pat the onion dry. Place the tomatoes in a colander and gently press down with a spoon to drain off excess liquid.

WHISK: Rinse the pressed garlic in a very fine mesh strainer and shake off any excess water. In a large salad bowl, combine the garlic, oil, vinegar, ketchup, grated onion, sugar, Worcestershire sauce, celery seed, paprika, and chili powder and season with salt and pepper. Whisk until well combined, then taste and adjust the seasoning if needed.

TOSS: In the bowl with the dressing, add the iceberg lettuce, romaine lettuce, crushed Doritos, beans, avocado, jack cheese, cheddar cheese, jalapeños, chorizo, diced onion, and tomatoes. Toss until all the ingredients are evenly combined and coated with dressing and serve. If you want to get fancy, garnish with extra chips around the bowl.

ENJOY: I’m having it with a merlot or soda.

Red, White, and Blue Potato Salad

Red, White and Blue Potato Salad is for all the potato lovers out there looking for a great alternative to the classic mayonnaise-based potato salad. (Photo by Erin Kunkel)

The headnote says: “Everyone loves potatoes. The average American eats 120 pounds of potatoes each year. That’s double the amount of the next largest consumed vegetable, lettuce. Hey, that’s a lot of salads; maybe I should make more potato salads? This one is for all the potato lovers out there looking for a great alternative to the classic mayonnaise-based potato salad (find my version on page 48). I love the rich buttery texture of the mixed potatoes paired with the Meyer lemon, dill, and chive dressing. It’s one of my favorites to accompany a meal on a hot summer day.”

Serves 8-12 as a side

Ingredients:

START OUT

Flaky sea salt

3 pounds mixed baby red, Yukon gold, and purple potatoes

Ice water

½ cup diced shallot (1⁄4-inch pieces)

WHISK

½ cup extra virgin olive oil

¼  cup fresh Meyer lemon or regular lemon juice (remember to zest first)

¼ cup finely chopped fresh chives

3 tablespoons finely chopped fresh dill

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh flatleaf parsley

1 teaspoon white wine vinegar

1 teaspoon lightly packed grated Meyer lemon zest or regular lemon zest

Flaky sea salt and freshly

cracked black pepper

TOSS

Flaky sea salt, for serving (optional)

Directions:

START OUT: Fill a large pot half full of water and lightly salt the water. Over high heat, bring to a boil, add the potatoes, then cover and lower the heat to medium low or a soft boil. Cook until you can easily pierce the potatoes with a fork all the way to the center, 15 to 20 minutes. Remove the potatoes from the pot, drain, and let cool. Cut into quarters or 3⁄4-inch pieces.

Meanwhile, fill a 250-ml beaker or a small glass bowl halfway with ice water and add the shallot. Soak for 10 minutes, then drain and pat the shallot dry.

WHISK: In a large salad bowl, combine the oil, lemon juice, chives, dill, parsley, vinegar, and zest and season with salt and pepper. Whisk until well combined, then taste and adjust the seasoning if needed.

TOSS: In the bowl with the dressing, add the potatoes and shallot. Gently toss until all the ingredients are evenly combined and coated with dressing. Let sit covered at room temperature for 20 minutes, or refrigerate overnight, so the potatoes can absorb the dressing (this salad can be kept in the refrigerator for up to 5 days). Serve cold or at room temperature, garnished with flaky sea salt, if you like.

ENJOY: I’m having it with sparkling wine or lemonade.

EXPERIMENT: Head to your local farmers’ market and try the many varieties of potatoes available there, as they often have the best flavor. I have made this many times with all baby red potatoes. You can also substitute sweet yellow or red onions if shallots are not available. Don’t forget this one for Independence Day!

Recipes excerpted from “The Salad Lab,” copyright 2024, Darlene Schrijver. Photography copyright 2023 by Erin Kunkel. Reproduced by permission of Simon Element, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC. All rights reserved.

Stephen Fries is professor emeritus and former coordinator of the Hospitality Management Programs at Gateway Community College in New Haven, Conn. He has been a food and culinary travel columnist for the past 16 years and is co-founder of and host of “Worth Tasting,” a culinary walking tour of downtown New Haven. He is a board member of the International Association of Culinary Professionals. Email him at Stephen@stephenfries.com. For more, go to stephenfries.com.

[onthefoodscene]

Watermelon Feta Salad

The headnote says “As a kid I would get in trouble for sneaking the center of the watermelon and leaving the butchered remains in the fridge (I still sometimes do it). Watermelon is my favorite summer fruit. On a hot summer day a few years ago, someone served me watermelon with torn mint, salt, and pepper. With some encouragement from the host, I skeptically tried it. I was hooked! This is one of my all-time most popular salads; it’s so fresh and easy to make. It’s surprisingly fabulous in every way, blending sweet, salty, spicy, and savory in one delicious bite. (Hot tip: play a little Harry Styles in the background while you prep it.)”

SERVES 6 TO 8 AS A SIDE

START OUT

Ice water

1 tablespoon very finely diced shallot

WHISK

¼ cup fresh lemon juice (remember to zest first)

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh basil

2 teaspoons lightly packed grated lemon zest

Flaky sea salt and freshly

cracked black pepper

TOSS

8 cups cubed seedless watermelon (1-inch pieces; about 1 large watermelon)

1 ½ cups cubed seeded English cucumber (1⁄2-inch pieces)

1 ½ cups crumbled feta cheese (see page 43)

½ cup coarsely chopped fresh mint

3 tablespoons very finely diced seeded and deveined fresh jalapeño

¼ cup fresh mint sprigs, for serving (optional)

EXPERIMENT:

Recently I found yellow and orange watermelons at the market. Try a multicolored watermelon salad or replace a quarter of the melon with honeydew and cantaloupe for fun. Some versions of this classic combination call for red onion, another way to experiment.

START OUT:

 Fill a 250-ml beaker or a small glass bowl halfway with ice water and add the

shallot. Soak for 10 minutes, then drain and pat the shallot dry.

WHISK: In an extra-large salad bowl, combine the shallot, lemon juice, oil, basil, and zest and season with salt and pepper. Whisk until well combined, then taste and adjust the seasoning if needed.

TOSS: In the bowl with the dressing, add the watermelon, cucumber, feta, chopped mint, and jalapeño. Toss until all the ingredients are evenly combined and coated with dressing, top with the mint sprigs (if using), and serve.

ENJOY: I’m having it with a rosé or iced mint tea.

Excerpted from The Salad Lab. Copyright © 2024, Darlene Schrijver. Photography Copyright © 2023 by Erin Kunkel. Reproduced by permission of Simon Element, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC. All rights reserved.

[etanow]

"hear me out on bubble" this, "here me out on zooble" that-

what I wanna know is what those shadows/ribbons do-

I am a coward though so I will be in anon-

HORNY JAIL, RIGHT TO HORNY JAIL FOR YOU

[silv3reyedstranger]

TODAY’S THE DAY 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪STAB STAB BITCH 🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪🔪HAPPY IDES OF MARCH 🔪🔪🔪ET TU BRUTUS

[mashmouths]

just tipsily spent an hour on hinge and watching old nct dream content on a saturday night. and this is supposed to be the prime of my life..... tch..............

[32bitterra]

February 2022 Doodle Highlights

Here we go. Long post, more fun stuff under the cut.

[mxwhore]

i love sunday mornings!! the market is here :)

[raaorqtpbpdy]

I feel the same way about the “tomato is a fruit not a vegetable” factoid.

A tomato is BOTH a fruit and a vegetable.

“Vegetable” is its culinary/nutritional classification.

“Fruit” is its botanical classification.

Botanically speaking, there are no vegetables (or every single plant is a vegetable, depending) because vegetable is not a helpful category from a botanical point of view. It has no relevant botanical definition.

Vegetable is a category defined by a plant’s value as nutrition, and its use when cooking. And from a culinary standpoint, a tomato does not belong in the fruit category, because it doesn’t fill the same nutritional needs as the plants that would be considered fruit from a culinary point of view. For this and other reasons, a tomato is indeed a vegetable.

as funny as it is to say, "theres's no such thing as a fish" is not actually true

"science doesn't know what a fish is" is really not true

"fish" is not a monophyletic category. there is no common ancestor of everything that we call a "fish," and none of the things that we don't

"fish" is a paraphyletic category -- and a useful one! marine biologists use it! "fish" describes a general body plan and lifestyle. it is useful to be able to talk about coelacanths and tuna in a shared category, though coelacanths are more closely related to us than to tuna.

where this bugs me is the repetition of the idea that "scientists" are hidebound and uncreative, unable to comprehend anything that doesn't conform to a specific idea of categorization -- when this is fundamentally untrue! we know perfectly well what a "fish" is. the fact that it's a paraphyletic group is only confounding to pop science, as a funny factoid, not to anyone who actually understands what a paraphyletic group is.

[oogaboogaghosttt]

I JUST HUNG OUT WITH PEOPLE!!! LIKE PROPERLY!!!!!!! I GOT FOOD WITH PEOPLE IN MY CLASS WE WENT ACROSS THE ROAD AND GOT FOOD I GOT IN SOMEONES CAR AND WE WENT AND GOT FOOD!!!!TOGETHER!!!!!! AND WE ARENT EVEN RELATED!!! WTF I HAVENT ACTUALLY HUNG OUT WITH ANYONE LIKE. WILLINGLY BEFORE!!!!! I WENT BECASUE I WANTED TO AND THEY INVITED ME AND I WENT AND HARDLY EVEN EMBARRASSED MYSELF AT ALL THIS IS A MAJOR WIN FOR THE ME COMMUNITY

[ibyul]

.

[paulpingminho]

[marvelfilth]

Family dinner

Pairing: Natasha Romanoff x f!reader, Kate Bishop x Yelena Belova, platonic!Kate Bishop x f!reader

Warnings: a very poor attempt at humour

Summary: your best friend Kate needs backup after a mishap with Yelena's family

Masterlist

“I need you here yesterday!”

“What?” You whisper-shout, looking around the office to make sure no one noticed you ducking away to take a call from your best friend.

“Please, I'm desperate! I can't do this alone, they're like sharks and I just spilled blood!”

“Kate, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Yelena's family! They're scary as shit on a good day, but now we messed up real bad, and I think they're gonna decapitate me,” she whines.

“Okay, let's backtrack. What did you do?”

“...”

“Kate?”

There's shuffling on the other side, a deep sigh and then, “Melina found the handcuffs. With the fur. They were still attached to the bed.”

You snort, loud enough to attract annoyed looks from your coworkers. “Happens to the best of-”

“And the whip. It was on the bed too.”

You chortle, this time not caring about your surroundings, and swiftly move further down the hall. “She knows Yelena's a big girl, she can ha-”

“Natasha was there too!”

You stop in your tracks. Now that's interesting.

“She'll never let you forget it,” you say with all the confidence you have, even though you've never met the woman before. You know just enough from what Kate and Yelena told you to be sure of that.

“She's not letting me forget it now! She got all sneaky and secretive, whispering with Melina and looking at me, and now I'm on my way to a family dinner. A family dinner with my girlfriend's family, while said girlfriend got called away on some emergency mission,” she huffs angrily.

“There's no emergency mission, is there?”

“There better be!”

You chuckle, shaking your head. It's never a boring day with Kate Bishop.

“So,” she starts, aiming for a nonchalant tone, “I'm downstairs.”

“What?”

“Yep. Waiting for you at the front. Better hurry, parking is expensive as hell.”

“Kate.”

“I'm your bestie. And my girlfriend's mom found the handcuffs. I need you.”

You check the time, noting that the workday is nowhere near it's end. With a sigh, you head for the elevator, not even bothering to come back for your bag.

“I love you.”

“I haven't agreed to-”

“I know what that sigh means!”

You groan. “Yeah, yeah. You owe me.”

×××

Turns out, Yelena's family is even scarier then you imagined.

“So, Y/n,” Melina starts, looking at you like you're one of her lab rats, “Do you usually leave your… sexual… stuff after you're done?”

You turn red, choking on the wine. Kate sends you a look of pity.

Natasha smirks.

“I don't… I'm not sure- Um. Well, no.”

Melina hums, nodding to herself. “Good.”

She digs into her food, and you exhale in relief, feeling like the worst part is over.

“So where do you keep your stuff, Y/n?” Natasha asks over the rim of her glass, her eyes full of mischief.

Kate slides lower in her seat, boring holes into her fork.

Melina perks up, once again regarding you like one of her subjects. “I would also like to know. To pass the advice to my daughter and her girlfriend.”

You gulp.

“Well?” Natasha prompts.

You shudder from the intensity of the look she's giving you.

“Can we move on?” Kate whispers, looking around nervously.

“Yes, of course,” Melina nods, her eyes lighting up like she was waiting for a subject change.

Natasha sends Kate an amused smile, and you relax slightly. Now the worst part is over, you're sure.

“So, Y/n-”

Fuck.

“-are you single?”

You nod, shoving a forkful of some meat salad - which mostly consists of mayonnaise - to avoid talking.

“And you're gay, correct?” Melina asks, peering into your very soul.

You nod again, chewing fast.

“Why are you gay?”

You choke on a piece of potato, wheezing and reaching for a glass of water. Kate almost falls of her chair in haste to smack you on the back. Natasha just looks at her mother, unimpressed. “Really?”

“What?” Melina shrugs. “I'm a scientist, I'm conducting research.”

The redhead groans, rubbing her eyes. “Of course.”

You feel a little better now that Natasha is annoyed.

Melina still looks at you, expecting an answer.

You sigh, “Are you gay?”

She blinks, looking like an owl. Natasha chokes on a laugh, sending you a look of appreciation. Kate mutters something about bathroom and darts out of the room, hopefully to call Yelena and fix all this mess.

“Well,” Melina starts, deep in thought. “I suppose I've never given it much of a thought.”

You nod, feeling accomplished in swaying attention from yourself.

“Natasha.” The older woman turns abruptly. “You are gay.”

The redhead groans, sliding down in her seat. “Mother, please.”

“She's gay, and you're gay. You're both miserably single.”

“Huh?” You frown, affronted.

“Fuck my life,” Natasha mumbles into the table, her face pressed tight against it in a feeble effort of disappearing.

“Yelena's on her way!” Kate walks back into the room, triumphant.

“Finally,” you sigh, pointedly looking at the ceiling to avoid Melina's penetrative gaze. “Where's she, by the way?”

“Hiding, probably,” Natasha snorts, shaking her head. “Escaped the scene of crime and left her girlfriend to pick up the mess.” She raises her glass in Kate's general direction, “You're doing good so far, Bishop. Even brought reinforcement - good thinking.”

“Yes-yes,” Melina nods, her eyes darting between you three. “Yelena's a bit of a coward in that regard, but we have an important matter to discuss.”

Natasha glares at her mother. “No, we don-”

“Natasha can cook. Well, she can microwave.”

“What did I miss?” Kate frowns, settling back into her seat. “Actually, no. I don't want to know.”

“As I was saying,” Melina clears her throat, paying no mind to the murderous look Natasha sends her. You'd feel gleeful at that - Natasha's plan came back to bite her in the ass - if you weren't the other victim in this scenario. “Natasha can cook. She's excellent with knives. She's an excellent shot. She can dismantle a bomb in a matter of seconds. She's a… a catch.”

You smile at the miserable expression on Natasha's face, her cheeks dusted with pink.

“Oh…” Kate whispers, looking at you from the corner of her eye. “Well, actually, Y/n is-” she yelps loudly when your heel connects with her toes, and turns bright red at the shooting pain. “-a bitch. She's a bitch.”

The look in Melina's eyes turns gleeful. “That was excellent.”

Fucking hell, no matter what you do, your grave turns deeper and deeper.

Natasha snorts, chugging her wine like it's water. Melina's mouth opens again, and you say a stupid thing to save yourself from further embarrassment.

“Can we go back to Kate's handcuffs, please,” you mutter with a sigh.

The look of betrayal your friend sends you doesn't work the way she intended, because you don't feel guilty at all.

Melina's mouth snaps shut, her eyes widening. The sight alone tells you you said the wrong thing.

“Have you and Kate ever-”

“No!” you both shout, before the older woman can finish the question.

“Sounds defensive,” Natasha chuckles, reaching for the bottle of vodka.

“Wha- What?” You hiss, glaring at the spy.

“She's- Y/n’s not even my type! And I'm not her type either!” Kate splutters.

“Mhm,” Natasha hums, “that I can see.”

You gape, not sure if you're supposed to be offended. “What?”

Natasha smirks, planting her chin on her fist. “You need a firm hand. Your best friend is anything, but firm.”

Her eyes trail down your body, pupils darkening ever so slightly. Your cheeks burn and, suddenly, it's hard to breathe. You clear your throat and gulp down the last of your wine, carefully avoiding her gaze.

“O-okay. That's- okay, yep,” Kate mutters to herself. “Fuck my life.”

“Am I wrong?” Natasha husks, reaching across the table to play with the golden bracelet on your wrist.

Really, right in front of her mother?

The front door opens with a loud bang, and you jump up, relieved to see Yelena. The feeling doesn't last long, because a second later you notice the bleeding wound on her torso.

“So that was an actual mission,” you mumble, missing the way Natasha snorts in your haste to get Yelena to the couch.

Kate looks pale, but swiftly starts helping Yelena undress. Melina's ready with the first aid kid by the time they finally tear off the shirt.

“So?” Natasha whispers into your ear, sending goosebumps down your skin. “Am I wrong?”

Apparently, not even her bleeding sister can stop her.

“No,” you reply, “you're not wrong.”

She hums, satisfied. “I am miserably single, you know?"

You let out a loud laugh, not even bothering to quiet down when Yelena sends you a murderous look.

“I am miserably single, too.”

She smiles, nodding to herself.

“Want to fix that?” She asks after a bit, her eyes glinting in the soft evening light.

“They'll never shut up about it,” you groan, stepping closer to her.

“Yeah,” she hums, her grin stretching wider. “So?”

"A little help?" Yelena wheezes, glaring daggers at the two of you. "Hello? Your sister is dying."

“Yes,” you reply, not taking your eyes away from her green pools.

“Perfect,” she breathes, before pressing a gentle kiss to the corner of your mouth. “I'll pick you up tomorrow at six.”

"Fucking unbelievable," Yelena mutters and yelps when Melina shushes her with a pinch and a hissed "don't ruin my hard work".

Kate just looks like she's about to faint.

You grin. "I can't wait."

[emacrow]

Poison Ivy's little sprout

Ivy just got back to her main base after a lil three month fun vacation with Harley and Cat women. Only to see her giant plants seemingly a foot or two away from one lil growing pod sprout literally shaking as if the Fear of God was put into them.

Now she doesn't remember planting this lil bud, it was sickly green in the leaves and steam, the pod itself seem to be glowing blue that the size of a peach. The chaotic maddening whispers from the plants around her wouldn't even come close enough to where she stand right in front of the lil sprout.

They seem more afraid of this lil plant then the last time Harley accidentally brought her an invasive species plant that sass the hell out of the other plants until she secretly relocated it away.

She grab her plant shovel and replant it into a slightly bigger pot, picking it up and walking toward her lab part that didn't had much plants there, considering the big plant babies immediately took over the previous place where that tiny plant was and inched away from where she was walking to.

Maybe it was sick, with how pale and bright green the plant was and whatever fruit was growing was sucking the literal life out of the plant. She could probably add some extra nutrients and plant fertilizer to help it grow until it was ripe to be plucked. Watering it with enough to last the week after putting extra fertilizer.

Taking just one tiny bud leaf since the silent was deafening coming from this plant was completely abnormal to her to a degree that something was very wrong or this plant was alien not from earth's native plants.

Weeks of research turned to months as she watch with pure heavy fascinating interest, seeing that the leaf she cut off turn into an unstable green goopy mess of dna not even an 15 minutes off the plant. It made Ivy wonder what kind of giant peach was growing from it with how it glow so bright purple yet ominous at night. Her lab never felt so cold yet the heater was on 79 degree for her plant babies.

It was by month of September that was a surprise, when Harley came over to help pick the super sized fresh vegetables and fruits off the other plants to maks chicken salads, not noticing that Harley took the large peach fully ripe from the plant she had been observing on.

She was chopping carrots up into bite sized pieces before Harley's voice spoken out.

"Um.. Ivy? I don't know where you got this plant from that momotaro movie, but I think you just grow a boy from a peach."

Ivy turned around immediately to see Harley looking rather shocked as well, with a peach juice covered sleeping baby boy lay in a half way peeled peach. A wet curly black hair with grey eyes that she know in her gut that it will turn blue later.

Oh no.. she caught the bat-bait disease.

"We're not keeping him." Poison ivy said sternly and sharp to steel herself from that sappy adorable puppy eyed look Harley was giving her.

🥺

"Harley, we don't even have-

🥺🥺🥺

"Har-

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

"...."

"One night and then it straight to the the good orphanage near the rich area." Poison ivy sighed, pinching her nose.

"Yessss!" Harley cheered, holding the baby up like he was simba.

It was only for the night, what the worse that could happen.

......

......

......

She was weak to that stare and she knew it.

Poison could only sighed, holding two month old Dara in the baby sling, staring sat which baby outfit to pick, the olive green that had the baby duckies or fern green with the adorable flower patterns.

(Thanks the commenters for telling me the original name. All Google gave me was the Peach boy or Jack and the Giant Peach XD)

[heartfullofleeches]

Carnis [Lab Experiment Cow Hybrid Yan] and Fast Food Reader- FF might swear off beef for a while after the first time Carnis offers them their meat. He does eat a lot of junk food, but they're definitely healthier than whatever the restaurants serving. Fast Food Reader is just glad to have someone else who'll eat all the desserts close to their expiration date before they do. Carnis waits for Reader to get off like a good cow and lingers around outside to bark at customers who harass them

-

Fast Food Reader: Hungry...Do we have anymore burger patties cooked?

Carnis: Burger.. That's beef.. I'm. beef. Do.. you want me?

Fast Food Reader: You know what sounds really good? A salad.

Carnis: :(

Fast Food Reader: There's a chocolate cake for you in the-

[Carnis' tail smacks Reader in the face as they sprint pass them]

-

[Screaming and barking can be heard outside, muffled by the glass windows]

Coworker: Did somebody leave their dog outside?!

Fast Food Reader: Nah, that's Carnis. They're my cow. They usually sleep in my car, but I taught them how to unlock things last night and that guy yelled at me because I was a penny off with his change.

[crossingthedreams]

do better — gregory house x f!reader

a/n: I got a little carried away, per usual, and now I’m late with day 04 of the angstober challenge (still a wyp), but I plan on finishing it and posting later today. but, omg, I can’t believe I'm posting day 05 — do better on time! this is also part of @angstober‘s challenge, which I'm having a blast writing. I do love some angsty vibes. please, feel free to comment or dm me!

summary: a relationship between the boss and his employee has a million ways to go wrong. one, in particular, hurt them the most. 

word count: 2.2k

warnings: angst. House is an asshole. mentions of family death. mentions of cancer. struggles with immigration. inappropriate relationship. mentions of smut.

Let medicine be thy food. 

That's the quote, or at least you think it is. After a particularly long shift, words in English seemed to scramble together a bit, with it being your second language and all. Usually, you’re a natural, perfect, fluent speaker. There are moments, however, when understanding what your peers are saying or formulating cohesive sentences becomes a herculean task. You didn’t make yourself unintelligible, but it was a little awkward to be with a patient who clearly had no idea how globalized the world was and how many doctors in the United States were not native English speakers, and who looked at you like you had just robbed the white coat from a “proper doctor”.

Sure, dealing with people was shitty sometimes. “Doctors don’t treat people, they treat illnesses”, your boss had once said. But in your mind, people weren’t that bad. The long hours, the sleep deprivation, the lack of a social life — that was the really bad part. And there were, of course, the very short lunch breaks. 

Medicine was fun, but it had nothing on a full plate of pasta with those weird looking meatballs. What once was disgusting, now seemed appetizing as hell. Not eating once while working for the whole night could do that to a person. Medicine was not food, at least not literally.

You had taken off your sweater and your white coat a while before going to the cafeteria, where the rest of the team was. As of right now, you and Chase had spent thirty-six hours working. Cameron and Foreman had taken the long straws and gone home last night while you and the prettiest doctor around worked on some lab tests. 

That man who, right now, was not really trying to hide how he lustfully eyed you up and down, stopping on your cleavage. You didn’t blame him for looking, though. Firstly, you did spend the night working together and you mentioned that you did not have sex for the last six months, and secondly, you had nice boobs, which was both a blessing and a curse. Also, he was very much exhausted. Thinking about your coworkers in an unfashionable manner to keep awake was better than falling asleep atop of a patient during a lumbar puncture — you had done both, so you could tell, oops. 

“I’ll die if I have to do any more thinking”, the pretty doctor said, accent even more prominent, letting his head drop to the headrest of his seat behind him. 

“Yes, thinking just doesn’t come naturally to some people”, you laughingly replied, sitting down next to Foreman. He scooched over, making more room for you and your tray. There was enough pasta on your plate to feed two, not to mention the salad, the dessert, the can of Coke and the can of energy drink. 

“Damn, kid, do you not have food at home?” You eyed Foreman, a little annoyed at the comment. Why did men think they had the right to comment on women’s food choices and bodies all the damn time? “Don’t give me that look, you know that’s a lot, especially for a girl who skips lunch every other day”. 

“Not by choice” you said, taking a lot of pasta into your mouth. “Nof ba chos”, you replied, mouth full, making everyone at the table let out a tired laugh. 

It was an uneventful meal. The team was really tired, especially Chase, who almost dropped his head on his plate twice. The four of you rushed upstairs when lunch was over, after being paged by your boss. 

The man himself was pacing back and forth in the conference room, brows furrowed and looking extremely aggravated. Nothing new, then, you think, sitting down across from Cameron. 

Allison Cameron and you had been friends since med school, and getting to work together was pretty nice. Women in STEM need each other, of that you were sure. The thing is, she was in a weird place romantically, which made you feel weird about getting along with the people about whom she was confused — which hardly makes sense, but it is what it is. She had a crush on your boss for the longest time, and that didn’t work out at all. And then there was Chase, who she had slept with, but had no interest in further pursuing. 

Hanging out with Chase knowing he’d seen her naked was a little weird, but the fact they’d slept together wasn’t the problem. He liked her, and that was her problem. Your boss, well, he was everybody’s problem. 

Particularly yours, considering… you know. The one-night-that-became-every-night. The HR-nightmare. The doing-the-devil’s-tango. The seeing-each-other-scars. The kissing-and-absolutely-not-telling.

It was fairly easy sneaking around. He was inappropriate, sure, but not big on PDA. He treated you like any other dumbass employee with boobs. If anyone saw the two of you leaving the hospital together? You worked together. If you were seen going towards the same place? You’re neighbors, duh. And if anyone happened to see the two of you having breakfast together in the little café a block around his place? Well, it was a coincidence meeting him there! 

If they saw you giving him head while he tried to play the piano, well… There’s no explanation for that. 

You looked at him coming and going, and you knew his leg must be killing him. Yesterday when you left his home in the morning to pick up your stuff for the day (which turned out to be the day, the night and the next day), he was popping more pills than usual. Shit. 

“New case?”, Cameron asked, looking at the limping man with worry and care in her eyes. You liked her a lot, but she had to stop thinking about your limping man with such care. 

Sure, she liked him first. And she probably worried for him just as she would anyone else. And it was ridiculous to be annoyed at your long-time friend for caring for her boss. Still, there was a sting of jealousy that made you want to bitch-slap her. 

He finally stopped and looked at all of you. When his eyes finally met you, he looked right at your low cut top and let out a “Yowza!”. When you blushed and stood up to pick your white coat, he called your last name, and said, nonchalantly: “Nice boobs”. 

You raised a hand to pinch at the bridge of your nose as you sat down. It might seem like sexual harassment — and at first, it was a little bit —, but now it was just him being as inappropriate as always. Hiding from his feelings, keeping his distance with pathetic remarks and cold attitudes. It made you sad when you started working for him, but right now, you pinched your nose to stop you from giggling like a sixteen year old cheerleader being noticed by the boy on the football team. Or rather, the boy on the bench cursing at the stupid players.

Dr. Gregory House had a massive crush on you, and that made all the shit he did go away. 

You realized Chase started updating House on the patient you spent all night testing and monitoring. Truth is, that guy didn’t stand a chance for a normal life here on forward. At best, he had a benign hereditary chorea. Worst case scenario, it was Huntington manifesting earlier than it should, as you’d been saying from the beginning. 

“Shut up”, House said to Chase, making those blue Australian eyes widen. Poor guy, he looked beyond exhausted. “I understand how DNA testing works. I went to med school too, remember?”

“Yeah, but that was seven hundred years ago”, you let out before you could think twice. You teased House a little for being older. Scratch that, you gave him a lot of crap for being older. You just didn’t do it in front of the team, which was why they all looked at you horrified. 

Horrified, but Foreman was holding in a laugh.

The ‘old-man’ hit his cane on the desk, turning the attention back to him. “Ouch”.

You smiled, playing it off like a remark made by an exhausted overworked young woman who disliked her boss. House half-screamed some orders to all of you, even though he already knew you had clinic duty. 

The hours left to finish on the clinic were manageable, so you could finish it after you did some of the tests House asked.  

Time passed by too quickly, and as your day went by, you remembered you had to talk to Wilson as soon as possible. It wasn’t a life or death matter, but a peace of mind kind of thing. You decided to stop by his office before you It was then that you overheard something you shouldn’t have.

Well, that brought the high school memories right back. 

It was the middle of the afternoon, also known as the beginning of your third shift in a row, and you were stopping by Wilson’s office to discuss a private matter. A family member of yours had cancer, and then another one. By the time your fourth relative came down with the diagnosis, you decided to check your genetic predisposition. Although the tests came back clean, meaning you were safe for oncology purposes, you still wanted to know his opinion on how you could be even safer.

You looked cancer in the eyes many times. You didn’t want to look at it in the mirror too. 

For some godly reason, you stopped before knocking. That’s when you recognized your boss’s voice, complaining about something, per usual. 

“She’s a baby! She had never watched Grease, for crying out loud”, the voice and the footsteps made their sounds in harmony. You leaned in closer to the door, to try and listen better. 

“Well, you two barely know each other, now it’s the time to know if there’s a future in this relationship or not. And would you ever marry her?”, Wilson’s voice, and the words made you freeze. 

“Not everyone has marriage on the brain 24/7, Wilson”, House replied. Even from behind the door, you could almost hear the engines in his brain turning. “And God, no. I could never marry her. I can do better than a gullible third-world princess”.

You froze.

Of course he’d say that. Of course. Even if he didn’t mean it. 

The realization came like an electrical shock flowing through your body. You felt it, and it made the hairs on the nape of your neck rise. 

You meant nothing to him. 

As an immigrant, the feeling of never belonging is constant. You don’t belong in the place you now live, but you don’t really belong in the place you were born. 

You had felt for a fraction of a second that you could find your place here. In House's department. Perhaps, even with House. God, you were stupid. You were a device for him to finish his puzzles, and an object to finish… Well, to finish himself off. 

As you left your transe and heard the voices again, you ran as fast as you could back to the clinic, where you had a couple hours left to finish. There was something you needed to arrange with Cuddy, too. 

Hours later, you were in the department’s room reading some exams when House walked in. 

He eyed you up and down again, eyes lingering on your breasts a little longer than a boss’ eyes normally would. “So”, he took his bootle from his jacket and opened it, popping a couple of pills, “your place or mine?” 

“You suck”, you murmured, angrily, but pouting a little. He’d never admit it, but he loved seeing you a little aggravated, crossing your arms in front of your body in a way that made your already eye-catching torso irresistible. 

He smiled a little, putting the medicine back in his pocket. “No, sweetheart”, he now fully grinned, “that’s you.”

You rolled your eyes, but let your arms fall and a cold smile creeped into your face. 

“Yes, I do, actually”, you rose up from the chair and walked all the way towards him, hitting your hand towards his chest and pressing the paper you were holding against him. “I’m a full on sucker, and ass-kisser, as you like to point out. That’s why your so called mortal enemy offered me a job in New York”. 

He took the paper, blue eyes never leaving yours. 

“Consider this my two weeks notice”. It was hard to say, but it felt a little good, too. Logically, there were no downsides in this opportunity. Then, why did it hurt so much? “I guess everyone was right. I can do better”.

The double meaning was not lost on House. 

Your hand finally left his chest, and he didn’t look back as you left. 

Looking at it now, it all seems so simple. It never is, though, is it? Especially with House. And you, an intelligent, kind, talented and ambitious young woman, could definitely do better than attach yourself to a crippled, bitter, odious older man. 

You were doing better now. So, why, pray tell, why did this still hurt so much?