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hzdtrees · 1 year ago

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The Cordon, pt. 1

#horizon forbidden west #hfw #hfw photomode #the way i just discovered i can upload multiple pics at once #after doing this for almost two years #tbf my previous internet connection would've cried and then walked out of the door #never to return #anyway. have some utaru views #the lighting is a little difficult here #and while i originally didn't like the place much #(it's nice in passing but less so in staying if that makes sense?)#i now have a soft spot for it ever since writing ikrie staying with the cordon archers for a little #sad we don't get to interact with them #they walk around spouting their standard npc lines before heph goes haywire on the utaru #and afterwards they're just gone #i would've loved to talk to them #or even have a little quest with them

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stopper-my-heart · 3 months ago

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Nothing like Heartstopper S2E8 removing some of Taylor Swift's "seven" lyrics just so that the singing can specifically come back in at "Or hide in the closet" while Isaac is processing difficult emotions related to the book he's reading (i.e., Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).

Did I mention "Or hide in the closet" hits just as the camera focus finishes shifting away from Isaac?

This is fine

#This is not fine #Warning: Long tags ahead (2 topics)#TOPIC 1:#I'm glad Isaac feels safe enough to be reading this book and processing emotions around his friends #That's the positive spin on “he's quietly dealing with a lot while next to his friends and they're not noticing and he's not sharing" right #The contrast of this with the happy friend-bonding montage time feels purposeful and sad (esp. with lyrics about staying in the closet)#but on the bright side this is in the midst of happy friend-bonding montage time so we also see them having happy bonding times together #- showing the friendship is still strong even if right now Isaac isn't wholly known or fully fitting #Hopefully this is leading to Isaac telling his friends what he's going through in S3 and the friendships adapting to fit him better #TOPIC 2:#Also - don't think it's unintentional that where the camera focus shifts to is Nick with his arms around Charlie and then kissing his head #I think we're being purposefully distracted from Isaac with allo 'cuteness'#Because what the other characters often get swept up in - especially as they all couple up in S2 - is alloromantic/allosexual interactions #And that's frequently what the world prioritises or cares more about too #I think the show is intentionally calling everyone - from the characters to us watching them to the whole world - out #So that hopefully we (general) can all be more aware and do better #[In case you were wondering this N&C/Isaac scene is also right after we see short clips of Elle & Tao and Tara & Darcy cuddling -#which also seems very intentional: Isaac - sandwiched in between views of cuddling couples - alone in more ways than one]#CONCLUSION:#I think everything is working together to highlight the contrast between what N&C and Isaac are respectively experiencing in this moment #Did I mention this is not fine?#It is well done though #heartstopper mini moment #isaac henderson #aroace #aromantic asexual #lgbtqia+#queer #taylor swift #seven

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naamahdarling · 1 month ago

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Augh

#fancy is really struggling #and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them #but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy #and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this #and i will have to give the babies up #and...not have another cat #just one #i would be crushed #and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually #but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then #and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted #so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works #but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone #with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP #and one who is sad and not herself #and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this #and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard #and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three #and im already barely holding on #i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend #i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies #i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT #i don't want to be in a house so empty #i can't live like that #having the babies is lovely #they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing #even before they died #it's been so good to have them running about #i don't want to LOSE that #im so tired of LOSING things

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eddiemunsonsmum · 2 months ago

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Just saw this comment on a story posted a month ago.

*cries in Eddie Munson Solo Series no one wanted to read, interact with or request for*

No shade to the person that commented this on their own fic if you recognize it. It's not their fault. I'm not mad at them. More crying in the tags.

#and no I didn't tag the solo series like I normally would because it's not about THAT. It's not about trying to get people to read it #It was just really ouchie to see the same concept I wrote 2 years ago get triple the notes in ONE MONTH.#and double the notes of my solo series masterlist in general in one month vs 2 years of my stories sitting there rotting #Then I see people saying they need more solo Eddie and I'm just here like my dudes I begged for requests. BEGGED. But bc I wasn't #/have never been a popular writer people don't want it from ME. It's like omg we want THIS but not like that. Not from you.#Can't help but let it get you down when nothing has changed in 2 years. It's not like I worked my way up and have the interaction now #that every other blog I used to commiserate with back in the day is getting currently. Fandom isn't a competition but it's not fair either #and I really struggle with that a lot of the time #Also yes I will concede I should be happy with the notes on the solo series because they are the highest of all the work on my page but #they're still nothing compared to what some people have just hours after posting a new story.#I saw someone complaining the other day that there are less new stories in the fandom than ever 1. That's simply not true. 2. Even if it wa #can you blame writers for giving up when readers are checking the same popular blogs over again or reading the same 5 tropes the same #2 pairings over and over. The same series? Over and over. Ignoring everything else and then complaining that their faves don't post enough?#That the popular writer with the incredible series (that rightfully deserves interaction) hasn't posted a new dad!eddie or rockstar!eddie #drabble in ages meanwhile there are writes out there pouring their souls into dad!eddie and no one reads it. There is so much rockstar Eddi #smut out there that it could sustain a brand new reader for an entire year before they needed a new fic #Idk man. I'm just feeling so defeated. I write for fun now. But there was a point in time where I desperately tried to build a platform by #offering requests and writing a lot of things I would not otherwise write to try and gain traction on my page and every time I see another #food fucking fic get hundreds of notes I get so sad that I wrote that stupid Melon fic because I had people in my life that told me #they would be excited to read it and for what? One of them still talks to me. The others moved on so fast. Most didn't even reblog it.#Some of them have since written their own food fucking fics that got triple the notes of my OG. Again. No shade to them. I don't own the #concept. It's just disheartening and fucking sad above all else. How hard I tried to get people to LIKE me and my stories. 😂#Just sad hours in general tonight my guys. Going to go and pour the bad feelings into Aftermath and then maybe make a bad life choice and #pour all my savings into an ipad #YES I KNOW first world problems. I know. That's why I try not to talk about it bc it seems so petty considering the state of the world #But you can't help what gets you down #EMMs Journal #EMM's Journal

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protect-namine · 6 months ago

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I was thinking the other day that man, kokuto neji is such a character and I haven't liked a writer character like this since... shang qinghua?

which naturally led me to this thought: jj fic with svsss-style au where neji transmigrates/gets isekai'd into the world of havenna. as domina, of course.

it's extra fucked up imo because at least when sqh transmigrated in his book, he made up all of those characters and they mostly stayed in the realm of fantasy. like, sure, lbh was kinda based on himself in some ways and mbj was his ideal fantasy, but they still mostly stayed fictional, you know? sqq (sy) had to fix his plots because the characters sqh wrote strayed too far from their original plotlines

but theater makes a fictional world a bit too real and personal, especially when you use real people as inspirations for your writing. with neji, he'd be looking at rukiora and see three different people (mitsuki acting as rukiora; rukiora who was written based on a younger version of neji; rukiora who is her own person in this weirdly real world of havenna). neji would see fugio and to him that is both sou acting as fugio and the fugio who grew up with poison flowers. miguel is both fumi and the guy who ran away from his neshiromi fields. the only constant would probably be chicchi. she is too much like kisa in that... well. neji didn't really have a backstory for chicchi. chicchi is a blank canvas just like kisa is as an actor.

anyway. yeah, very sv-style character arc where neji, much like shen yuan in sv, is forced to humanize the villain. except this villain was his creation and is also tied to a bunch of personal issues for neji that he Doesn't Want To Think About and also he doesn't? really understand the character he wrote tbh?

isn't art supposed to process your emotions for you!! why must he process these himself!!

can you imagine neji, who always casts himself as a seer of some sort (fortune teller, ushinoko) or someone who generally has some control over his future or his "creation" (who is mary if not just another side of neji anyway; she's takihime redux, and takihime is also. neji). imagine this dude being transported inside the play he wrote but he doesn't understand it and he has no control over it and everyone's acting both in character and out of character. he both knows and doesn't know these people. they're fictional but also... real? does he treat them as real people? is domina real? he wanted his actors to imbue parts of themselves into his characters. are these people really just characters from a script? are they his quartz classmates? is he allowed to even hope that that's the case?

it's both THE improv exercise of his dreams and also. a nightmare

#mine musings #liveblogging jj #jack jeanne #i do kinda want to write this eventually. like separate from a njmtsks fic #oh god. not me wanting to write a fic about a story within another story. oh rama havenna...#we can even throw in the whole prayer theme. like yes the priest preaches in a godless town and he carries a bible but hear me out #what if the god he's preaching about is himehiko instead #like. prayers and confession as offerings to a theater god. said theater god put you in your own play to “help” you fix it bc you #as the scriptwriter don't even understand anything about your own play #i kinda envision this as a neji & kai fic #though neji mostly struggles with rukiora and chicchi and the way domina prevents him from reacting authentically #neji knows everyone's backstories and inspiration but them BAM he has to face chicchi and he doesn't know anything about her #bc he was banking on kisa making chicchi her own character and being the 'transparent vessel' that helps everyone improve #and also he just had zero notes about chicchi lmao #neji every night at pontartia: is she being ooc right now or is this how chicchi was supposed to be all this time #like remember that time when he said to sou that he only realized what mukai's character was about after kisa got her act together #it's happening agaaainnnnn with chicchi #meanwhile rukiora hates him soooo much and neji is sad that he can't even confess about this to the priest bc it would be ooc for domina #mikki hates him!! except that's not mikki. but she looks and sounds and acts like mikki!! and also like a younger version of neji!!#he'll look to jire and he's all sad and mopey and neji is like. suzu having nuance is GREAT but also suzu not being cheery feels so bad man #where's my moodmaker? hachipochi missing hours :(#he tries to talk to sou but that's not sou that's fugio and also. fugio only cares about chicchi #domina barely even interacts with miguel so neji has to devise ways for domina to talk to him while being in character #but the minute he gets close rukiora is there and miguel would never talk to someone that makes rukiora upset. go away madame!!#neji is left to commiserate with otori/facchio and himehiko is laughing in the background

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hollenka99 · 6 months ago

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Some 4 hours in and a summary of my thoughts while playing is a mix of Grump It and frequently chanting 'leave me alone'.

Anyway, I would thoroughly recommend ISAT.

#in stars and time #like I don't suck at fighting #I just hoard items then become allergic to actually using them #maybe it's because everyone is L45/46 rn but damn those sadnesses hit harder than I'd like them to even when they're resistant moves #one thing I need to get used to is the fact the enemies respawn so easily #and man those change god blessings don't seem to have any noticeable effect on me at the moment #I can get as frustrated as I want about my health worries though #the interactions between characters when we discover new stuff together makes it all worth it #like god I love them especially Siffrin and Isabeau's friendship

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shipping1addict · 10 months ago

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I recently played the Spirit of Vengeance FP again and when the cutscene of the aftermath played and we Saw Heta presenting her speech to her supporters, something clicked.

See that? In addition to what happend to Bask Sunn in "Showdown on Ruhnuk", Tyrus Brokenblade also fell on Kessan's Landing.

So WHO is left?

Durn Wynnward aka representer of the Ash'ad.

My guess is that with the next story-fragment, we get to face off agains Durn and hopefully after that, Heta herself.

~ more theorising under the cut ~

I didn't realise that they gave us this very obvious fight-the-small-fish-first-and-then-the-big-one hint at the beginning of the "Hidden Chain" storyline, but here we are.

I find it also interesting that Heta talks about reliability in this speech. Making a statment with injuring Tyrus and endangering not only the people in the room but herself.

Now that she found out about Bask's betrayal and his greed (who would've known /s) and the loss of Tyrus, the mentality with which she will continue her operations will propably get very interesting.

Since Sa'har, her interest in mando-communication also seems very neglected. I don't know if this is on purpose or if the few cutscenes we got just gave away too little information.

I would also need to rewatch every cutscene to build upon my theories.

#This storyline is so draining and that makes me sad because it's genuinely an interesting storyline #as the BH Story was my very first playthrough it also hits a nostalgic nerve #and I'm glad that after what felt like only force sensitive content we now have something other classes can enjoy #I hope they don't drag that one out any further though or give us at least something to work with #the so called enemies feel very out of touch because we barely get to meet them #even Sa'har who feels like she will join us eventually seems more like an idea than a character #LET US INTERACT WITH THEM #I haven't played past KOTET with Torian alive and i already feel like I missed A LOT #anyway my rambling is already too long #please feel free to add #SWTOR #7.4

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things-methinks · 4 months ago

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Talking to [leftist/socialist/progressive/whatever] white people as a brown girl is always an experience

#🐈‍⬛⚜️#A couple weeks back I was stopped by these uni students who were promoting a convention and advocating for Palestine #I was really sad and tired then so I was like sure. let's chat #I signed a petition and began talking to these 2 girls #One was a white girl. the other wasn't. could not pinpoint her background though #Anyways. we talked about the state of the world and Palestine and how the US and by extension the Western World has failed them #(which is a topic of its own because the Western World did not 'fail Palestine' they literally wanted this annihilation to happen #and have been an active participant in it)#And I pointed how ultra rich Arab countries have completely turned a blind eye to it but poorer countries such as Yemen. Lebanon have #been doing so much. despite their own vulnerable position #And this girl said but they're still not doing enough. they could lend military help #I was just disappointed because it doesn't take more than 15 seconds to realise why a regional war is not the solution #By virtue of wanting justice. I would want the IOF to be blown up too but that's not the solution #simply because the casualties will be the civilians of all of these countries and we cannot put millions of people at risk #And she kept telling me about how they're a socialist group. and she was also kind of taken aback by how much thoughts I had about this?#They're having a convention on Socialism and co (social issues. Marxism and all that jazz) next month and that I should consider cominv #Then she hit me with 'The entry is only $90' and there's a student bundle where you can get a book and a tote bag #Honestly funny as shit #And she kept insisting I should buy the book. it was 'Introduction to Marxism' I believe #I did not know how to tell her that I did not want to read that. and even if I did I would just pirate the Communist Manifesto #Anyways. interesting experience and it did make me focus back on how different Brown Leftists and white leftists are #I like to give them grace because it's hard to know context and history and social rules about somewhere you haven't lived or grown up #But I do believe if you're advocating for another group of people. you need to learn and understand first and foremost #I actually don't know what to make of that whole interaction tbh

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actual-sleeping-beauty · 8 months ago

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I having lots of emotions about not graduating this spring this evening and I don't appreciate it.

#my friend just got offered a national parks job #which is what he's wanted for years #we took a class together two falls ago and he was talking about it then #and i am so so happy for him #he has worked his ass off and deserves it #but i am also so sad for me #i feel like i've lost so much time to being sick and like i haven't accomplished the things i wanted to in college #but everyone else around me is #national parks jobs. fulbright finalists. grad school applications. editor of the school paper. starting a band. getting engaged soon.#idk i know this will pass and five years from now this will not seem like a big deal #but right now it is so heavy #and also i'm pretty lonely in my real life right now #my roommate spends so much time with her boyfriend who lives an hour away #my other friends are so busy i rarely see them #i don't live on campus anymore so i don't have a nearby community #i get most of my social interaction with my residents at work #and i love them but i do desperately need other kinds of social interaction #anyway everyone ignore this

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deviousdiesel · 3 months ago

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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m #SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work #and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks #in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate #i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's #- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight #so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh #i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me #“different” is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story #if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit #i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels #and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing #as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a “far away”/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :“|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit #there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved #and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community #we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future #fauxtrainpost.txt

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sudokuplayer · 6 months ago

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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be

#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him #it's getting so cold too #all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me #also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here #and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often #(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic #so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward #then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular #i've been so sad and moody and angry #i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel #can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate #i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad #nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared #i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead #...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy #it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive #the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it #he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house #and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too #i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious #i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house #i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me #but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something #maybe it is a bit of pms #📓

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findusinaweek · 2 years ago

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I wish it were acceptable behavior to just call your friends and ask them to talk about their hyperfixations or interests for an hour.

#I am lonely and tired and sad. I'm ok but it's like. I want interaction. I don't think I have the energy to interact properly.#I really am spending too much time on here but I have never lived alone and the silence is overwhelming.#Why do I only make friends with people who are mentally ill? and then worry that I am becoming a burden to them.#I just want to hear about what makes people happy. I want to absorb the pleasure radiating off someone talking about their favorite thing.#My therapist would say I am spiraling into obsessive doubts. We didn't get to the next part of therapy so I dont know what to do with them?#I am and will be ok. but it's frusterating.#personal rant

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borgeslabyrinth · 2 years ago

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I know I'm like. Deeply sleep deprived. But I wasn't expecting Jenny Nicholson's video essay on the final brony con to make me tear up, especially since I was never a brony and only had negative impressions of the fandom, but here we are.

#YES brony's were cringy and mean a lot of the time but that video really is a time capsule to the death of fandom #like fandom is so drastically different now than it was in 2011/2012 we're so disconnected now #when in ye olden days you were mainly in a fandom to make friends #and there was so much fanwork and everyone excitedly interacting with those fanworks #and nowadays you're lucky to get 7 comments on ao3 on your fics and 30 reblogs of your fanart on tumblr #everyone used to be so passionate and excited to share their interests and make friends where now it's like. reblogging gifs to your blog #but not engaging with the creator or the other fans #fandom is quietly isolating in a way it never used to be #and that's really sad #it's why i don't really interact with fandom these days because it's boring and not as fun #it feels like less of a community these days and fandom simply isn't as fun if you're not sharing it #maybe it has to do with the rise of seeing passionate interests as cringy or it has to do with how much content we get on streaming service #maybe it has to do with seeing writers and fanartists as being content creators instead of community members #so you don't engage because you think that they should just churn out product without you investing in it #it's hard to know #but i miss the excitement and love and sense of community that used to exist in fandom #and sure it still exists in some fandoms #but most of them are so solitary #i just miss it #oscar talks to himself

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theloveinc · 2 years ago

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#not to start sh*t (tho i always do)#tho i really do understand the frustration surrounding like... ppl only reading x part of whatever fic #at the same time... the policing of how ppl read is so irritating #nobody has a right to comment on how ppl interact with writing + work #like i personally don't care but ... wanting interaction and comments makes more sense than telling ppl they can't read ur work #if they only read the sm*t/the dialogue/the whatever #like.... why are u writing if ur gonna take the enjoyment away from ppl... even if they're not getting the whole thing... thats on them #sometimes the enjoyment itself comes from interacting with the parts that make it understandable / touch upon someones interests #plus... like .. writing can be good but writing can also be way too flowery. there should be balance.#PLUS... if the only way to get the story is thru the dialogue? thats a WRITER problem #and also.. as someone with chronic brain fog and tons of sh*t i need to get done and also mental illness and such...#not everyone has the time or energy to invest in hours or even minutes of reading #ppl have different abilities not to mention reading speeds #and if skimming is the only way they can/how they participate in reading fanfic... literally leave them be #u can still enjoy stuff that way and appreciate a writer's talents even if ur only looking surface level... it just shouldn't matter #and it just makes me sad readers are being targeted and told theyre a bad audience for stuff like this... WHEN I GET IT #i can't control anyone obvs but i wish it would stop #i think it really makes this community less welcoming which is the uh. last thing we need.#but anyway no hate i guess even tho this is a bad take #i have opinions that would get me sniped truly #okay thats it bye #caitie blabs

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supercantaloupe · 2 years ago

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just occurred to me this morning as i woke up this morning why i'm (probably) so taken aback by people in orchestra being So Nice to me cause i saw some photos on social media posted by ppl i traveled to [redacted] with, people who only stood to even have a conversation with me as a last resort kind of social option. i have literally Never gotten along with groups of people, Ever, unless that group of people was also orchestra people. seriously

#i wanna talk about me #sasha speaks #i'd say it's kind of sad that most of my irl social life (and half of my online one) begins and ends with other musicians #and probably should've realized YEARS ago what that says about me and my dumb brain (a touch of the 'tism)#but at the same time like. idk i can't truly make myself feel Bad about 90% of my social life #being in the rehearsal hall for the past 7 years #cause i do love playing and i love being somewhere where people don't Fucking Hate Me #(or at least where i'm not constantly the last choice of person to interact with. sometimes below no interaction at all)#and if i convinced myself to hate orchestra on the grounds of it being My One Social Outlet i'd just. idk. die or something #cause i literally have nothing else lol all k have is music #idk maybe music people have an ulterior motive (want me to play good for/with them)#but that's better than not wanting to have anything to do with me at all right?#and anyway. some violist saying he'd rather see me playing principal on the concert than dan. he's got no skin in that game right #except for being nice and liking me as a player #and while i want to be liked as a Person too i'd rather be liked as a player over not liked at all #(i don't think he even necessarily dislikes me as a person. we just never interact outside of rehearsal so i've never really encountered #him in a different context so i wouldnt know lol)#just. agh. getting invited to sit at the lunch table with other people by a pianist classmate. man!!#they don't know that.jpg it means so much to me just to be invited to eat together

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misskamelie · 2 months ago

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Head in my hands, I'm doomed, this can't be going on for this long good grief. What the hell does my subconscious want to tell me. Hate the pms hormonal storm

#Guess who had a dream involving the redacted situation :))#basically we were out to eat (friend group outing. Sitting in front of each other because of course) and #1. It was them but it was not them. This person did not have their eyes but it was them I interacted w them w that awareness #2. It was the most confusing thing ever because it was like.#We interacted in the way I'm used to. But there was too much noise (I couldn't hear them. Nor others for that matter) so I had to lean #Across the table so naturally you get rather close. And at one point I got somehow frustrated by smt (I wanted to tie up my hair?#But it wouldn't come out as I wanted) so I just stood leaning there for a moment with my hair fallen in front of my face to talk (lol) and #they had? Rested their chin almost atop my head but like. You know when you actually rest your lips somehow against a person forehead?#That kinda thing. And of course I was not moving out of the position because it was very comforting 💀 only did so when I heard smt #from the others (it started the topic of like 'oh it's strange that redacted agreed to join. They usually don't'#The implication being that they agreed to it because there'd be involved people they hadn't seen in a while?)#and then redacted started to complain about that (other people saying that about them) and going about smt but I didn't catch that anymore #So this would all be like. Fine okay whatever. But the confusing thing is that before that (+other smaller related tender moments of sort)#they were telling me (this part I could hear even from across the table lol) about this person they like but apparently aren't pursuing #(Mind you. I was like. Oh they sound interesting. I would love to talk w them. The vibe of the conversation was pretty comfortable)#The dream ended while the group was discussing smt about how to pay and what to do afterwards (visiting some monument/church I think?)#I remember the time being 1.45pm (the time we were planning to get out. When I checked my watch -different from what I own- it was 1.30pm)#And even during that discussion! Redacted tried to tell me smt (I made them the gesture to wait while we were discussing) and when I asked #What it was about. They didn't feel like bringing it up (+looked like a sad puppy?(?)) and at that point I got close and held their cheek #To comfort them?? Like bro what the hell?? Most ambiguous relationship award?#In front of others apparently nonetheless?? And no one mentioned anything about it?#my post

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