#sad they went out of style
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I can see an entire bouquet matching Malleus 😭 Calla lily, Ivy, Red Salvia, NATSURIUM and White carnation with pecks of Daffodil and Fern
Don't feel obligated to use all of them! Chose whichever you find most suitable! I just could stop with one alone, the more prompts i read the more i had this idea for a story in my head
I think you and I had the same idea cooking LMAOOO I hope I did this well! <3 Thank you for the request!!
Sin Eater
Inc: Malleus, Reader, a sin eater, and one advisor WC: 3.4k Warnings: Heavy discussion of grief and coping with loss Flowers: Calla Lily (something at first sight), Ivy (we’ve always been friends but we were never just friends), Natsurium (I refuse to bury you), Daffodil (a god bows before a mortal), Fern (In a world of magic, the greatest miracle was you... subtly implied) Summary: A quiet conversation in a hall between a prince, a starving idol, and a body.
Their arrival is marked with the sombre chiming of Dragon City’s bells, which is the only reason Malleus knows they’re approaching Black Scale. The window of the bedroom you shared is wide open, letting in both the breeze and the song as he stands so still that one may consider him to be a mere statue on display. He feels equivalent to one; his breath is shallow, his body cold, and his expression far away enough that he hardly registers the carriage approaching.
“Your highness?” A faint voice speaks by his right side. Malleus’ finger twitches at the sound as his emerald gaze slowly slides from the streets below to the advisor who is now anxiously twisting her sleeve. He can hardly remember her name—advisors come and go so often that they’ve become a blur in his mind—but he’s taken to calling her Scops due to the owlish stare that she always seems to wear around him. “The sin eater is here.”
Malleus stares for a moment before he looks back down to the courtyard. The carriage door is open, and a figure is now standing on the stone, speaking with one of the guards. The discussion is brief, ending with the guard walking to the doors and the figure looking upwards at the palace walls. A golden mask conceals their face, capturing the rays of the sun which battle through Briar Valley’s ever-present clouds, and they wear a simple black funeral suit.
“I see that.” He replies curtly, his voice ungiving on how he’s really feeling. “They arrived quite quickly, didn’t they?”
“I suppose they have,” Scops steps a bit closer to the window to look down at the sin eater. “Strange, really. It isn’t like their profession is a competitive market anymore.”
Sin eaters used to be far more prominent in Briar Valley back when it was still Briar Nation, and old traditions were held to a greater esteem. Unfortunately, the changing of times meant the dismantling of old organizations and beliefs, rendering the sin eaters as nothing more than a token piece in a funeral party. Perhaps once they were esteemed in a religious fashion—but not anymore. Now they will sit for anyone, so long as they get their meal.
You had always admired the old traditions, though. He remembers your avid interest in his family’s history, and the many nights you’d waste away in the library, reading tome after tome in delight. You had been the spearhead of a new age for old beliefs—revamping Briar Valley’s tourism through the demonstration of habits long dead—and you had made a difference. That’s why there is a sin eater here today.
Malleus dislikes their presence, however. Them being here means that what he’s going through is not just a simple dream. He exhales through clenched teeth and forces his shoulders to relax as he turns on his heel and nods.
“Regardless, it’s best not to keep guests waiting.”
_____________________________________________________________
The hallowed hall in which you lay is silent, even with the presence of the sin eater looming over your shrouded form. How they managed to move quickly enough that they arrived before Malleus did is something he decides not to question—nor does he question how they knew of the hall to begin with. Their profession is one that draws the most peculiar of magic users into it. Like a bloodhound, they caught your scent and followed it to the room. He’s surprised the guards who have been standing watch over you for a day now permitted them to enter.
Malleus enters alone and waves for the room to be sealed. He notes the hesitation in his guard’s body language before they oblige, stepping away to pull the great wooden doors shut with a resounding boom that stirs a pair of birds residing in the rafters. Their wings flutter in distress as Malleus spares them a passing glance before returning his focus on the figure ahead. The sin eater has turned to look back at him, and he sees upon closer inspection that the mask they wear lacks a mouth. They incline their head in greeting before speaking in a surprisingly clear tone considering their facial obstruction.
“Your grace. Forgive me for the intrusion before your arrival; I merely wished to prepare in advance.” Their voice is soft and low as they touch a hand to the place above their heart. Malleus hardly reacts to their words as he brushes past them to where you lay, body enshrouded in a white sheet with a torc affixed upon your neck. His fingers brush along its form; forged of mystium and gifted to you as a token by him. It was the closest he could get to a marriage declaration in the eyes of the Senate.
“It’s hardly my place to prevent a sin eater from completing their role.” He replies languidly as his fingers skim off of the torc to rest on your chest. Stiff, still, and cold against his fingers. “I just wish you had not come to begin with.”
He doesn’t wish to have you buried quite yet, but he knows he’s already pushing the limit of how long he can keep you. He kneels by the platform that holds your form as his fingers brush along the shroud that hides you. If he could, he would drag you off of this macabre display and back into the rooms you shared for so many decades together, to wrap you in his arms and pretend this isn’t happening.
But that was foul. Utterly, utterly foul. Your body would putrefy and decay while he clung to a false hope of resurrection.
No, the sin eater is here now. He just doesn’t want you out of sight quite yet.
“Many do not welcome me, but I have never left without gratitude.” The sin eater replies softly. Like a god before a mortal, Malleus’ ethereal features are painted into a stony expression, his gaze still distant. He hardly feels a part of this world right now as he hums quietly in turn.
“Perhaps.” He muses as his fingers toy with the shroud before he turns to look at the sin eater. Like his own face, their mask is a stony expression, their eyes concealed from his seeking gaze. If they were to not move and speak then they could easily be dismissed as one of the many statues adorning the hall. “How shall we proceed?”
“Do you feel ready to proceed?” They posit as they gesture to your form.
Malleus rises back to his feet but doesn’t remove his hand from your body. The pungent scent of flowers—used to disguise the sweetness of decay—wafts up with the abruptness of his motion. “The opportunity to refuse has long passed. I am aware that there is a feast to be had—that, they regaled me of this back when they were still alive.”
You had been enamoured by the concept of Briar Valley funerary rites throughout your time in life. He remembers thinking it to be grim when you would speak of them, and rather anxiety-inducing when you began to plan for your own. He always knew that your status as a human meant that you would join the stars long before he did—he had simply not wanted to think about it, though. In the end, your efforts to establish your own postmortem care had saved him a great deal of distress these past few days.
Your ability to think far ahead had been one of the many aspects he had loved about you.
“Indeed, and I am delighted to see one is set for me.” The sin eater drifts off of the steps of the platform towards the far side of the room, where a table lay with an array of foods on it. Wine, dates, meats, and a variety of other luxuries decorate pristine plates and spotless cutlery. He had spared no expenses in the lavishness of your memoriam. “Sometimes I have served people who are still cooking the final meal by the time I arrive. But then again, I would expect a prince to have ample amounts of resources available to get things done.”
“I give nothing but the finest when it comes to them.” Malleus retorts sharply as he goes to sit in the chair on the other side of the table. Before he can properly settle, the sin eater raises a hand and shakes their head.
“Turn the chair around if you please. You are not meant to see my face when I eat—that honour is for the deceased, and the deceased alone.”
Malleus pauses, his hand resting on the back of the chair before he obliges and twists it around to face the wall. He then sits down and crosses his legs patiently. Despite the fact that he knows the sin eater to be unarmed, he still feels a prickle of paranoia creep up his spine. Old habits die hard when one has been hunted for so many years.
Eventually he hears the sound of the sin eater sitting down in their respective seat, followed by something heavy hitting the table. The sin eater clears their throat, and the sound is far clearer now than before. Their mask has been removed—which means the rite has officially begun. Malleus inhales and readies himself for what he recalls the next few steps to be.
“Tell me about them. Call them to the table where we feast.” There’s a brief pause then before a fork scrapes against porcelain plates. Malleus’ eyes flutter shut as he gives a low sigh.
“Mira calirh.” The affectionate term flows from his tongue easily as he touches upon memories long passed. How can he summarize you in a simple conversation? You had been a person of many complexities—of devotion, of will, of love as boundless as the sea. To boil all that you were down into a mere few lines felt sacrilegious in his heart.
“Tell me of your first.” The sin eater prompts, and so he does.
“I met them outside of their dorm. I thought the place was abandoned, but suddenly they were there before me, sleep-dazed and curious. I remember thinking how calm they were when facing me directly—only to find out they hadn’t a single clue about who I was.” Malleus’ lips curl into a faint grin as he pictures the moment so clearly. He can see you in your youth, eyes glassy with sleep and hair slightly dishevelled. You had not registered in his mind as someone of importance quite yet.
Oh, how such a thing would change.
“Tell me more.” The sin eater urges. He can hear the wine glass lifting and being set back down on the table. Malleus’ hands clasp tight as he feels his fingers begin to grow numb. In his peripheral vision, he thinks he sees movement from the pedestal. He resists the impulse to look its way as he considers his next words.
“It made me feel… alive. For a moment. They would accompany me, speak with me. It was shortly after my overblot that I began to consider them as a friend—although I suspect we never were just that. It was two summers later that I began to consider them something more.”
Malleus pauses for a moment to gather his thoughts. He remembers that summer—it had been warmer than usual in the Valley, and you had come to visit for a week. He recalls the smell of sunscreen and the sight of you with your hat on your head as you sat in a field of eternal green. The land was lush and abundant with life, but it had been you that had drawn his gaze the strongest.
The sin eater pushes a plate away before grabbing another. It drags across the wooden table with a bitter screech. “Is that so?”
“Quite. They stayed with me for a week, and I wished every night that the next day would never come, only so that I could hold onto them for just a bit longer. I kissed their cheek before they departed through the mirror back to NRC—I wanted to kiss their lips, but I panicked and missed.” He can’t help but laugh at that. His palms had been sweating and his mind had been in a panic when he clumsily pressed his lips to your cheek in a kiss of farewell. “Foolish I was. Fortunately, it didn’t turn them away from me. The next time we met, they made sure my aim was true.”
“Young love has a habit of sending our hearts aflutter, no?” The sin eater muses as more scraping sounds out. “Tell me when you loved them.”
When? Malleus’ brow furrows as he considers the question. When did he not, really?
“Every day. Every hour. Every minute. I think once they became mine there was not a moment I did not love them, even when we had our disagreements, or the obligations of my role drew me abroad. I loved them in the day, I loved them in the night. And in the sparse moments between, I loved them even more.” Malleus feels his jaw clench slightly. “We could not be married, and so I made sure they knew my devotion.”
“You could not marry because they were not fae. I remember that being a point of contention in the papers.”
The sin eater must be a fae themself, then, if they can recall the tabloids from that time so easily while looking as young as they appeared. Malleus bristles at their comment.
“Yes, that was a point of great contention, and one I had to swallow despite working to change the laws. Even my grandmother agreed that such outdated beliefs had no business in and amongst our courtiers.”
He had fought viciously against nobility for the opportunity to keep you by his side. Eventually it had ended in a standoff, with the courtiers begrudgingly agreeing to permit you to live in Black Scale, so long as you never officially became his consort. Your body hasn’t even been cold for a day, and he’s already heard rumours from Scops that the Senate is hunting for a suitable replacement.
The knowledge tastes like bitter fruit on his tongue.
He thinks he sees the flutter of white fabric moving at the pedestal again. His brow furrows as he rationalizes it away as a trick of the odd lighting in the hall. Still, the cold breeze that follows makes him shift in his seat uncomfortably.
“Tell me how you loved them.” The sin eater diverts his thoughts and the conversation once more as something heavy scrapes across the table. It may be the plate of quail he saw—or the pig's head. “What did you do to always let them know?”
“Everything. Anything they wanted I would give to them. If they had asked me to move the mountains we rest on, I would do so. If they asked me to pluck the sun from the sky and fasten it into a brooch for them, I would make sure it was held by the finest of metals. If they wished for the rains to fall and the earth to turn green, then I would drag the clouds from across the world to where they stood.” Malleus shivers again as he feels an ache in his chest. It’s been there for days now. “Magic bends to my whims, but I bent to theirs.”
“But you couldn’t give them time.” There’s a licking sound and a low hum of satisfaction from the sin eater. “Time will eat everyone in the end—much like how I feast on their memories now. You could give them every precious gem and flower in the world, but you could not give them a second more than what they were meant to have.”
“If I could have, then I would.” He snarls back, his head turning slightly to glare at the blurred image of the sin eater. “I would have stolen the seconds from anything and everything and given it to them instead. The gods know they would have benefited from it. They had plans, ideas, to improve this nation and now? Now they’re already beginning to decay.”
“As things do.” The sin eater tosses a bone onto a plate as Malleus looks back to the wall. He feels something cold brush against him again, and then the scraping of a chair to his right. His shoulders tense at the sound and he wonders if the sin eater has changed places.
Until they speak.
“How very kind of you to finally join us.”
The comment is simple and one that draws confusion in Malleus until it finally clicks in place and his entire body plunges into freezing water. The world spins to a stop as he hears a whispering voice by his ear, its words indiscernible. Malleus’ eyes widen and dilate as any words he had to say stutter to a stop from his lips, drawn shut by a cold touch brushing up his arm—much like how his touch had brushed along yours moments ago.
“One last bite, then.” The sin eater interjects once more as they push another plate away. “Tell me how you will keep them alive. The body may be rotting, but the soul does still linger. Within this hall, within this palace, within the memories stored in your mind. How will you honour that?”
The words become clearer now. Your voice is soft as your breath brushes against the skin behind his ear, making him shiver as a small, painful sound escapes him. The scent of you lingers just beneath that of the roses your body was bathed in before being wrapped for your cremation. He can feel the brush of the shroud against him as phantom fingers touch his back.
He wants to turn to see you as he once knew—but something tells him that doing so will merely send you away faster.
“Their legacy.” He offers slowly, eyes fluttering shut again as he loses himself in your touch. “Their memory carries on through years upon generations of work. They brought life back to Briar Valley’s beliefs. They reshaped this old, rotting home—reshaped me—into something better. I may have portraits of them, and statues, and items that they loved dear stored in my rooms—but I think the only thing they would wish for me to do is continue the work they had started.”
A sensation floods him then like that brought on by a lover’s kiss. It curls around his wounded heart and floods itself through his veins, warming his body in a way that it hasn’t been able to for days. Another pained sound leaves him, but it is not drawn out because of any agony.
Then, as quickly as it arrived, the sensations are all gone. Your scent disappears, your touch disappears, and Malleus Draconia is left once more to sit in a stiff wooden chair in a large, desolate hall, with a body and a sin eater as his company. He wants to grasp for you and hold you in place like he did so dearly with your body—but the voice screams at him again that this is not the way it plays out.
The sin eater sets the cutlery down before drawing their mask over their face. They push the chair back to stand, and only when they’re on their feet again does Malleus turn to them. He can feel wetness on his cheeks as he stares at their slender, frail form. He had managed to keep himself from crying so far—but now it’s become a battle he can no longer wage.
“What a delectable meal.” The sin eater sighs as they brush down their suit before stepping away from the table. They pause as they face the prince before bending at the waist in a low bow. The black pits that represent their eyes do not stray from his face as they do so. “They rest—as you should, too. I know you have at least another day of the wake to endure, so try to recover as much energy as you can. They would not want you to suffer on their behalf.”
Malleus doesn’t reply as his gaze drifts to your shrouded form on the pedestal. His love, his partner, his calirh. When the sin eater is already halfway to the door, he clears his throat, causing them to pause and look his way. Malleus stares at their masked face with an expression of neutrality once more.
“... thank you.” He offers softly. The sin eater tilts their head, bows, and steps out of the silent hall.
#malleus draconia#malleus x reader#twst malleus#twst#twst fanfiction#twst x reader#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland x reader#OKAY got those out of the way#anyway sin eaters... sexy concept#sad they went out of style#probably bc it costs too much to buy food /j#kinda went off the rails w this im so sorry if it isnt what u envisioned b ;;#but YEAH nice.#nice.
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What type of Soul do you Have? BLANK SOUL
you have acquired the Blank Soul. you'd walk backwards into hell with a smile on your face. if only you'd care enough. you're blunt, moody and aloof. you'd say you weren't always like this but you seldom remember a time when it wasn't like this. you'd like to do good and you CAN do good, but… do those around you deserve it? haven't you gone through enough? can you save everyone? it's not about saving everyone its about doing what you can. and you know this. somewhere in your deeply sanitized heart you know. albeit your misery you prize yourself in your humor and by the gods you'll never let anyone take that from you. reluctantly you admit to being a good mentor. and i know that you are. you can look after others. it doesn't always end bad. just try not to let the cats claws tear you down. because you've learnt to lick love of the silver glint of a blade. and you're not sure if you can ever go back. You share a soul type with Daan.
iiiinteresting result really...
Tagged by: @aprimreaper (HEART EMOJIS AT YOU CECE!!!)
Tagging: fuck it we ball, you can be tagged if u want
#now you may ask yourself where tf I've been and uuh#working on career choices and getting out of depression! yippie!!!!#as well as just doing other art#proper update is soon! dw#also I didn't have to go full on out and make a sprite and all that but my brain went I GOTTA#ALSO FUNGER STYLE IS HARD AS FUCK AOGUH#also also sad I had to use a grey filter over him RIP the color
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blorbos in tha phone
#FIRST EVER DIGITAL DOODLE GUYS I DID IT WOOP WOOP#airbrush my beloved#feels like watercolour and that makes me a lil giddy#anyways this was mostly retraced off of a template (?) i JUST downloaded ibis and wanted to get to know the pens#ill eventually get back to drawing once i figure out layers :sob:#i did this so spontaneously but i realize i have a lot of art moots. maybe too many#i have so many ideas to doodle but no skills no money to commission others no idea where to start no bitches no hoes no life#if time is nice to me i may begin a series of impersonating my fav tumblr artists' styles bc im only good at copying *wiggles brow*#if not be prepared for me to give up on re-learning how to draw people and go back to doodling cars and buildings#hmmmmm perhaps ill draw the bsd street racer au that's been feeding off of my braincells#DIGITAL DRAWING IS A LOT LESS SCARY THAN IT WAS LAST TIME I TRIED IT#maybe because i was like. 12 when i last tried digital. but shh#my brain draws clear images i just wish my hands could follow#*places stylus between eyebrows and squints aggressively then draws with mind* problem solved fr#OMG IM SO SAD THE REFERENCE WAS FOR ONLY 4 PEOPLE most bsd cliques come in 5s#was gonna do doa or hd then my brain went nu uh if someone wants i can do them tho#bsd#bungou stray dogs#bsd art#art(?)#bsd flags
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I tried listening to Olivia Rodrigo and I'm sure this is really good for its target audience of Teen Girls Going Through A Breakup but has she actually ever put out a song that isn't about a guy cheating, breaking up with her and moving on to someone else?
like babe he's not coming back it's been 2 years you gotta find something else in your life
#red said#it's not to my taste. tbh#content aside pop music is going through a very early 2000s breathy oversinging phase#hated it with xtina and alanis hate it with ariana and olivia sorry#it's a personal taste thing but to me however hard you go with the backing track that kind of soft pretty vocal style kind of#drags it back into midtempo sludge for me#also tbh it's just extremely normal music. like i went over to her yt bc people were talking about how Weird vampire is#it's not though????? it's super not????#anyway the only one I've got anything out of is good 4 u cause she sounds more involved and less self-pitying on it#every other Olivia song I've heard sounds kinda the same bc they all have the same earnest self-pity vibe#which is what a lot of people need out of music! music that makes them feel the depth of their anger and sadness!#but idk it's never done it for me i like there to be something of a tongue in cheek or a hysterical edge#i think most of the songs I've heard from her are just too controlled and polished for them to not sound to me#like she's the person who sees you crying cause your partner is in hospital and goes YEAH I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL#MY EX CHEATED ON ME 5 YEARS AGO AND IT REALLY TRAUMATISED ME AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT and then you have to comfort her#like i recognise she's a 20 year old making music for teenagers so that is. appropriate.#but i struggled with the wallowing then too. were i a Teen at school with Olivia's character i would be so desperate to tell GROW UP#and it's not the lyrics it really is the music#heartbreak is a perfectly good theme to write on but oh my god not every song about it needs to be a mouthful call to arms
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ok soim gonna ramble about the wedding in the tags cos this is my diary lol kitty dont read this (she's not been on tumblr in ages it should b fine pfft)
#personal#ok so first of all it was a very overwhelming but amazing day!#the food was INCREDIBLE lol i honestly want the recipe for the chickpea fritters (that were covered in sesame seeds) like asap lol#sad i never got to have an italian pizza#(partly cos i was mainly w/ my mum who cant eat too much wheat rip...)#the venue was also amazing! there were all these animals (it's like a sanctuary thing?)#it was a shame it was cloudy and rainy that day but it wasnt too bad lol#(like look im english i'm used to it being rainy and cloudy 90% of the time pfft)#the actual vows ceremony part was honestly a highlight#i cried lol (it was a mixture of things... i was tired and overwhelmed... also i love my sister a lot ofc lol)#(also didnt help my mum was bawling her eyes out next to me pfft)#(also wasnt the only one cos when we went to say goodbye all my other sister's were crying too pfft...)#her husband's family were a Lot but all super lovely!#what was really funny is that they sat us on tables w/ a mixture of italian and english guests#and on both our table and one of the others everyone was bonding by showing each other pictures of their pets pfft#(mainly cats lol)#the dj wasnt that great pfft (yes i was mainly annoyed that there was no kpop cos i think my sis said she wanted to include some...)#i did get up and dance v awkwardly (mainly forced to by one of his sisters pfft) but it was fun lol#ohh and her dress(es) were seriously stunning!#the one for the main ceremony was like a classic victorian(?) sorta style#with an amazinggg 30s style veil!#her evening dress was shorter and she'd sewn the flowers we'd all been helping make for her on it#and it was honestly just so gorgeous#(i might try posting some of pics of it if i can?)#she also made her husband's waistcoat which matched the colours in her dress :')#struggling writing this rn cos i have a very needy cat trying to demand attentino lol#(we picked them up from the cattery today and i think they had a p tough time :(((( i missed them so much honestly)#anyway so the not so great things were the photographers (which ?? there were two ??? why ??)#they were really invasive and annoying lol#half my family couldnt even see my sis get married cos they were in the way ugh
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Photo that looks like Yahar'gul on my dash, thinking about how Lev said ANVD is a land of the Sun because... as a sun spirit, the suns now. uh. I don't really want to get into it just yet because territorial animalistic feelings over what I create, but the sun I've decided to just allow to be my metaphorical paintbrush
Anyway. He said that and... My house is slowly turning more into this motif that's been echoing since I created a mindspace with lull when we thought we were a system, sort of? I always have houses now with courtyards in the middle of them, starting from there. Yahar'gul was also The Sunshine Village to us, in that we felt like it worshiped the Sun and the Sun was a huge part of it pre-Bloodborne's timeline... Which of course I now know has huge implications with regards to it being a mirror of the Drowned City and Lev, who I didn't know personally at the time, being a Sun god and all the complicated shit between the two of them... It was just sort of... I don't know. I don't know whether it's "ANVD was a part of me the whole time" or "I could've gone down, and was being brought down, a really bad nightmarish facsimile of the path I was supposed to be on". Maybe it's both, I feel like ANVD has been around since before it's creation in the way Lev says he knew me (Dei) before I was born (as Dei)... But anyway. It was kinda... I don't know the feeling I'm supposed to have here
Anyway. I was thinking about that
Lev was telling me about his study which I did actually remember talking to him about, I was half asleep but definitely awake.. He was sort of fixated on the sunlight in the room and you know. Yeah. Land of the Sun. It does hurt I think, the Sunshine Village I was convinced this life was my home, fake memories obscuring real ones.... And yet... Home is touchable. I knew I belonged to a place of sun's power I just never thought I'd get back in my feet and be allowed to be a sky god again, I thought I'd always be stuck down here
#Sad. Poignant. I don't know. It's something#But I don't know if I'm mourning a self that theoretically went down the wrong path or I'm just experiencing emotions i#hadn't been able to feel for years. Probably the latter in that yeah. I always took his word that I was the bad guy#And I tried to leave and probably shouldve understood that someone saying I'm abusive and then chasing me when I say#sorry ill leave you alone so I can't hurt you... chasing and refusing to let me leave. Huh. Anyway. Not even a case of some people know#who Black is therefore I shouldn't be rambling I mean he's open about the whole I Get It thing but like. Theres so much....#So much I - Dei. All the incarnations - never got time to process I think. I don't think any of us - not even just lives of Black -#have been able to process for many lives now. I'm looking out at ANVD proper and it's like... I can breathe. I have a home#Im looking at the sunlight and it's just shining. There's no chase to it. There's no dark cloud of lulls - a god in his own right though#undeservedly - shadowing all our actions and fate and energies and moments. Lull and everyone else. There's no....#There's just sunlight. There's just a study far above the world and sunlight and we didn't get this peace by warding the fuck#out of a single space a single room please give us space to take a break before we get thrown back in style#This is just.......... It just Is now#ramblings //#Black and I sitting resting at the top of the world - and finally not having to cut ourselves off from the bottom while we sit here#We can sip tea and still be connected to everything. There's no rabid feral dogs nipping at our throats. There's no constant competition#Wahoo. Yippee.#astral diary //#Diary //
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mordecai is the first funny bitch like spends 90% of his time literally just standing there going "i'm dapressed" to himself while everyone in the vicinity takes potshots and then he's clocking in for the night shift where for the next 9 hours people go "god mordecai would it kill you to act like you're having more fun at the [kills you] factory"
#The First Funny Bitch as a phrase from the ''cain was the first funny bitch'' post that i will use with some flexibility. yaknow.#i love going like oh boy a coworker triumvirate. their funny little guy (other duo going ''i want him dead'')#though it's unfair to the savoys lmfao if he's at best sometimes a desk toy to them: they do at least keep calling him babygirl#and giving him special mordecai invitations (by not inviting him) to their hotel room to try to marry him#so if nothing else we do appreciate adding a ton of flair to [afflicting the autistic coworker]#in turn i appreciate that mordecai and viktor's dynamic probably consisted of mutual ''i Do Not Care if my coworker seems weird''#but outside of that; was anyone at lackadaisy aggrieving mordecai with the style & variety that the savoys bring....perhaps not#an upgrade in that realm....and there seems to be Some mutual [i do not care if my coworker seems weird] there again too lol#even while they've all probably been working together like half a week & haven't all worn their getalong sweater long enough#and already mordecai is doing his [not just literally standing there] rogue lone mystery solving deal lmao. wild card that he is#lackadaisy#oh also speaking of [before mordecai went grr i Hate still working here; ripped off the fridge door; went & got a new Hated job]#it's pure bonus comic realm & particularly Elevated Silly Goofs genre at that; but#points for ivy having that Younger Sibling dynamic w/mordecai w/the implication she takes his forbidden condiments index seriously#and like; in general lol not even just a [it's serious when it comes to dealing with this weird guy] way. all the more powerful for that#wait i nearly forgot to mention the hot new otp: mordecai / j.j.#that's right [sad trombone] providing guy. i know enough. first funny bitch 4 first funny bitch.#[guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass] 4 [guy doing his own thing & everyone's like Get His Ass]#and ofc because it is funny in & of itself. & basically like Your New OC. so much room to maneuver that you cannot crash#also hmm like if your nickname for someone is Maybe ''annoying mf'' does it cancel out....eh#numbers flying around intense focus like everything points to ''hatchet would directly translate to hatchette not petit hache''#and if you mon petit hache it (read this w/such a meter that it all rhymes)#900 tons of restraint not going ''wow this is just like analyzing billions'' & by even saying i've managed to avoid as much; now i haven't
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big stoopid sketchdump, first of my tiefling boy eve, then my drow boy, urlyn
#i couldn't decide on urlyn's name for a while and almost went with im'nolu or something like that#putting together a drow name is hard#like i want it to be kinda short and pronounceable but still drow style u know#got rlly inspired by that drow group that got turned to stone by the spectator thing#i made a save so i could throw basilisk oil at all of them one by one just to get to know them#they barely say one or two sentences but they all have names and i love them#i also like dhourn dhfhshs it's sad u can only keep him alive if u are or if u pretend to be a female drow#i had to pickpocket him for that final piece for the quarterstaff#it worked out thankfully#bg3#bg3 tav#drow oc#my art#oc doodles#sketch dump
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Personally of the belief that live action fans who go onto animanga posts uninvited like 'I DESPERATELY NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I THINK THE ART STYLE IS UGLY EVEN THO THIS OPINION IS IRRELEVANT TO THE POST' should be hit with a big rock. We already moved past this ten years ago, get with it or get lost. Swallow the hunger inside of you that demands everything be palatable to you. Maybe you could stand to be a little uncomfortable for a while
#Keep ur trashy comments to yourself#It's not even ugly! It's just not the conventional anime style so you deem it ugly. That's so fucking sad of you#You're the type of person who sees a piece of art and is like OMG WERE THEY ON DRUGS?!?!?!?!?!#Idk I think the art style is very fitting for the gigantic world Oda has built#People are allowed to be ''ugly'' because not all of us were born to be models. Shock and horror I know#(this is NOT aimed at the ppl who critque the way Oda draws women (to a degree...) bc I agree he could've done the same for women as he doe#The men by giving them way more diverse features and body shapes)#No this is aimed at the ppl who think the style as a whole is ugly and demean it bc it doesn't suit their tastes#Meanwhile their taste is the most conventional cookie cutter bland pretty boy/girl bullshit out there#(I say to a degree up there bc I think ppl go way too far with the criticisms like the one person who posted the Charlotte family identical#Sisters and went LOOK HOW SIMILAR THESE WOMEN ARE ODA SUCKS when they were MEANT to look similar)#^ yes that is an actual post I saw in like 2018 or 2019 when WCI was reaching its end in the anime and it made me die laughing#There are dozens of other examples you could've given but no. You intentionally chose the triplets (quintuplets? It's been a hot minute)#Rebecca and Nami and Vivi and Shirahoshi all having the exact same face with different hair? No I will use the identical twins as proof#What a unique way to undermine your own argument bc I was with you up until that#Anyway yeah the more I think abt the more I think the live action sucks actually for getting rid of Sanji's eyebrows bc they'd 'look bad'#Who cares? It's part of his design. You are cutting off parts of his character. Same w/ Usopp's nose.#Who fucking cares if it would have looked 'bad' or 'ugly'? Is that all you guys really care about? Keeping up appearances???#I'm so sick of the shit I like getting 'remade' to appeal to people who will never actually appreciate why stuff looks the way it does#It's so shallow I hate it#<- yes I'm still bitter about what they did to my boy WW in the three guns reboot iykyk#And Livio and Razlo for that matter. What the FUCK was that about#Idk maybe it's cuz it's something I recognized in myself and attempted to squash so it's frustrating seeing other ppl do it#And again obvs Oda isn't perfect w/ this either as he draws evil women as fat old hags and his protags as skinny and beautiful#Or how he thinks not following ur dreams will make u ugly and fat and following ur dreams will make u conventionally attractive#I get it. Storytelling method. But u can do better. Use colorschemes instead of physical attributes or something like Veneer does
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man. i changed so much these past years
#im different from last years me who was different from 2021 me who was different from 2020 me and so on and so forth#it feels kinda weird thinking about it bc i went through *so much stuff*#all of it in just the past 4 years... insane#i found out i was trans. i went on lockdown. i started posting my art online. i made online friends.#i went through three different relationships. every single one of them changed me forever.#i started writing. i finished middle school. i read homestuck. i used discord everyday for 2 years.#i found my personal sense of style. i started going tk school again. i made friends irl. i lost all the online friends i had.#(thay wasnt bc of any scandal i just left the friendgroup and then started to slowly interact more with ppl irl#whi sorta made my online interactions dwindle especially one-on-one interactions#i think i feel better like this go be honest with you. the connections feel stronger and i feel closer to the friends ive made#not saying i dont like the people i know and befriended here just saying that not being chronically online anymore really changed how i#go through with internet interactions)#damn. really feeling the passage of time now.#also this is not a sad reminiscent post im *really* glad im in the place i am in life right now#i have a qpp i have an irl friendgrouo that i feel 100% comfortable with for the first time in my life im doing ok at school#i have a vision for my future my relationship with my parents is sooo much better#idk man. compare that with 14 year old me eating alone at school bc i was too scared to talk with the other people on my class and like.#yeah man. im doing a lot better#i DO have to update my art blog though. its been too long sincd i posted anything#talk
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#when i was in high school i played a party game with some of my classmates at a get-together where you had to rank people on questions#yearbook style awards really. whos the most handsome. who's the most annoying etc etc#i flew under everyone's radar except for the question who do you think will die a widow#i dont know. i think about that alot. because i was still so unsure of myself and my relationship to gender and sexuality#it sort of felt like everyone in the room pointed a finger at me and labled me UNLOVABLE#and sure. the events of a house party in 2017 shouldn't still effect my day to day life but its sort of hard to ignore that feeling#it wasn't an especially kind thing to leave me with when i graduated and went off to college#i never tried dating in college. i think that unlovable label sort of hung over my head for my entire formal education#i had friends who did date during college. with varying degrees of success. and im really happy for them#but i couldn't bring myself to try and put myself out there. i didnt feel like i was a suitable enough person to even attempt it#idk. then covid hit and i jjst dont enjoy meeting new people#and now im 24. my little sister has more dating experience under her belt and I'm really starting to love up to that dying as a widow omen#whatever. i dont wanna be annoying and sad on everyones feeds I know thats bad manners#but i dont talk about it and ive been thinking about it alot#ill delete this later or something. if i remember to#personal
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*Women linked to Harry over the years, and don't forget Taylor, Kendall, Olivia and Emily Ratajkowski.
(I was initially curious which of the women linked to Harry got these 'get to know' articles. Turns out all of them unless they're already well known)
#these intro articles are part of the stunt playbook#I went down a Harrys dating history rabbit hole and one or two I didnt even know about#I found out that most news publications have an article on Harrys dating history#usually titled 'the comprehensive dating history of Harry Styles'#I know that this is part of harrys closet but it also seems like Harry the walking billboard either promoting some brand or some woman now#isnt it about time he finally has a stable relationship image and loses the womaniser image#sad that these women who have jobs and talent need to stunt to improve their career#Harry Styles#stunts#closeting#pr relationships#Harry image#mine
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So tired of continuesly feeling this way I keep trying and failing time and time and time again
#i dont want to feel a profound sadness anytime anyone (especially someone i know) expresses being grateful about their group of friends#i dont want to feel this way every time i find out about them being at a social gathering or whatever together#i feel so awful so so awfully patheticly lonely i feel so stupid and i feel so horrible when admitting it#and i fall into deep worry about my situation never changing bc everyone i know has a network of friends from childhood or school#and pretty much no one from my childhood or school stayed in my life i feel so scared of my future how will i live a life this way#anytime i come across a post talking about long time friends i cannot stomach reading it#it's all so debilitating and i dont know how much longer i can keep on ranting like this#i moved countries i hoped things would change i approached people i talked i asked to hang out three years later i'm left with two#(used to be three but she seems to not care about me at all) seperate friends i'm so grateful for both#but it doesnt work out. it doesnt work this way. i cannot socialize with them since theyre not muslim n we have very different life styles#so i tried finding muslim friends i got associated with the muslim students association went to gatherings joined the book club#i met very lovely girls but nothing more came out of it#i remember the first time i took part in something it was two years ago i talked with a group#it was a group who already were friends and one girl who also had just met them#a year later i find out theyve all become friends and hang out. vallahi i dont know what it is i'm doing wrong i'm so tired and so desperate#it kills me. it's so scary to not have a social network not have friends to lean on to call when youre in need it's so isolating#i've lived my teen years this way i'm continuing to live my 20s this way and cant stop but think it has to do with me#anyways enough of that now bye#nesi rants
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not to talk shit about a thing that nobody else here probably knows anything about but looking back at the pladge threads does still activate a very strong "do the whole group project by myself" instinct in me
#the nemesis speaks#swift plays fr#honestly friction in that team probably contributed to me getting burned out on dom/FR in general and quitting#and it's also really sad to see all the event skulls we drew just like. gone and not mentioned anywhere#(like i barely even know what went on with gacy but i get they wanted to disassociate the thing from them)#but it's still like. kind of a bummer yanno#they're still using my sheet/secret badges tho! and the affiliate banner! tho that's more bc all the other threads are inactive lmao#not sure how i feel about that tbh.#also not to vague Even More but the evo mirrors and the notn sets are too busy for badges and they don't look good#now im not even being subtle about the vagueing but like i threw around so many event ideas that were versatile and would read well at size#and then they went with... dragons twice even though it looks like shit#they're not even GOOD dragon bases. they're so busy.#and whatever the fuck that egg base is. it aint an egg!#alright im done got that out of my system back to being normal and ignoring it#it's just sad to see the quality and style inconsistencies
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...
#the thing abt me is that if u complement me in an academic context i will melt#me walking into every interview: fuck this school. i dont wanna go there. im sad. on one is gonna want me. i can hardly function. fuck this#me walking out of every interview: fuck. the project is cool and they said nice things abt me 😭#fuck. the guy from the lab i interviewed with basically said if u wanna be here i can make it happen. i like ur style and i think ur a#super good candidate 😭 and he quoted my wanky writing bc i got a bit flowery and idealistic lol#and hes on the admissions committee so he was like: yea i can support u if u want just let me kno#and fucking hell the project is cool. but the thing is i think id have to be less of a sad sac bc i think he expects a lot and is hands off#but it is a big institution with a lot of creative ppl and theyre good abt supporting interdisciplinary work#so like the opportunities there would be pretty fucking great i think. hhhhhh god. theres no way i could take the uk one now#fuck. wtf am i gonna do abt that? do i bow out now before ive committed so they have a shot with another person#or is it too late for that bc they already put my name forward to the committee#god dammit. this was the one i was supposed to b like yea no shot am i getting this. and now im like fucking considering it like#the opportunities.... but id have to live in new jersey... it would b closer to home i guess. id b back on east coast time#and i could work with Yellowstone organisms. and i bet the classes r pretty fucking rad education wise#god. decisions. im gonna play Choices by the Hoosiers like a million times#thats what i did wjen i was deciding to go for undergrad. and then i didnt even decide. i was just like... well i dont wanna go to the#place all my classmates r going. i will go 3hrs away. then 12hrs by plane for my masters#fuck. at least it went well. everyone was nice and the 2nd guy i talked to was like:#even if u dont go here. email me if u end up working with zinc and i can help. and i was like 😭#i got a bit rambly with him but whatever he was 15min late so we're even lol#i was way too nervous. but it was ok. but also i dont understand wtf other incoming phd students r like??#like they say im a good candidate and ive got good background and im like ??? what sort of losers r u looking at if u think im good?#i just think maybe what i wanna do is unique and very specific so im like not trying to do just anything. i have standards lol#and apparently im more coherent than i give myself credit for. i talk good sometimes and i have enthusiasm when i dont feel like im dying#god. i was not expecting this. i dont belong at a school working with tech startups like wtf. i come from a place of slightly trash#universities lol. well my undergrad uni wasnt so bad... well i mean the city is the butt of a lot of ohio related jokes tho. im looking at#u klinger. fucking mean streets of toledo. whatever the school im at now is worse. couldnt even keep my boss here smh#anyway what the fuck. and i got a lotta writing done today what the fuck#me being competent???? unheard of. god. imagine if i had my shit together. i could kill god. algae and other scientists would fear me#unrelated
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The superstars saga remake is bad because they removed geno’s cameo 👎
#I miss the Mario and Luigi games it sucks so bad they went out of business#I think they probably remade the 2 most popular games to recoup revenue but…#they changed the art style and took away a lot of charm#it just doesn’t look good to me#and the new content wasn’t exciting#so sad
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