#sad blart

[sadblart]

Always cry with Blart...

[wizard-loving-wizard]

my favorite joke from death blart 2023

[fbfh]

Thinking about how aggressively protective over you dad!Tony is. Like whenever someone is fucking mean or rude to you, or generally gives you trouble like... you have to laugh. Cause you know what's coming. You were out running some errands (aka picking up falafel and shwarma for you, your dad, Peter, and Harley) when you ducked into a cute little boutique on the way. You saw a pair of sunglasses that were so cute, but upon further investigation, they had weird designs all along the sides. You laugh at how terrible it looks and get a picture to show your dad when you get back. You're about to leave when some stupid fucking Paul Blart mall cop drags you into the back of the store and accuses you of shoplifting. You just laugh. You laugh and ask Jarvis to call your dad. Knockoff Paul blart is trying to scare you into confessing to something you didn't do, threatening you with jail time and telling you your parents can't bail you out now, it's too late for that. You record part of the conversation and send it to your dad. About 0.0000001 second later you get a notification that he's on his way. You hear his repulsors outside and moments later he's storming into the back of the boutique.

"Okay, chachi, you've got about three seconds to explain to me what the hell you think you're doing here."

"Sir, are you the father of-"

"Three..."

"O-of this-"

"Two..."

"-was suspected to be shoplifting-"

"And you're done!"

You watch with a barely repressed laugh as your dad TEARS into this motherfucker. Like he is not holding back in he slightest. Tony KNOWS his kid. There is not a shadow of a doubt in his mind that this is a result of some miserable little man on a powertrip who couldn't get into cop school. And Tony TELLS HIM that to his fucking face. You watch a sad, angry little man reduced to tears after being roasted to within an inch of his life by your dad. It's giving "you pathetic, short little man. you don't have any friends, or any family, or any LAND." By the time he's finally done, you dad looks the guy dead in the eye ad tells him with more confidence that paul blart has ever felt in his life

"If you're lucky, maybe you'll be scrubbing my floors with a toothbrush. Maybe."

Tony ushers you out of there, ordering some food and coffee and asking Jarvis to cancel the next chunk of scheduled events so he can spend some time with you, make sure you're okay. He may or may not have also bought that little boutique, because when someone messes with his kid, Tony does NOT let it slide.

[hyumjim]

Omg this poor soul lives in a prison where they are only allowed to watch Paul Blart Mall Cop (and sometimes Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 but only as a reward for good behavior) this is so sad

[sometimes-love-is-enough]

AAAAAAA ur reading house of leaves??? im buying that next week thats so cool! do u have any book recs? or recs in general shows movies etc

I AM!! I'm several chapters in and super enjoying it, although reading it alone in a tiny hotel room in the middle of nowhere was a Distinct Mistake.

As for recs! I'm going to specifically go for stuff that isn't super mainstream, in the hopes that I'll recommend you something you have never heard of before. Here's some stuff for you!

Podcasts

Dreamboy - one-season podcast from Night Vale Presents, definitely one of their less-known ones. Explicit in places, what I would describe as AO3 M-rated sex scenes. A worn-out musician ends up embroiled in inexplicable events in a small town, and also there's a murderous zebra and fossils that want to fuck. It's a musical cinematic podcast masterpiece, I'll always be sad there's only one season.

Apocrypals - nonfiction. Two non-believers read through the Bible and try not to be jerks about it. If you're interested in theology and apocryphal texts but have no idea where to start, this is such a good place. The hosts are delightful, and have a really nice way of taking you through all the various layers of Biblical scholarly nonsense. Considerable backlog of episodes, but worth listening through from the beginning. Weirdly, there's continuity.

Til Death Do Us Blart - five poor fools watch Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 every Thanksgiving from now until the end of eternity, and report back yearly on their mental state. You may think to yourself 'wow, that doesn't sound like a good time'. It isn't, to the hosts. To anyone listening along, it's fucking hilarious. Nine episodes so far, and it's a single episode per year, so plenty of time to catch up.

Web Series

The Monument Mythos - Several seasons. surreal analogue horror alternate history of America told through a series of videos of varying format. Brilliantly absurd, fucked up, and horrifying by turns (sometimes all at once).

No Evil - ongoing animated series, made mostly by a single person. Please don't immediately wave it off because of the colorful anthropormorphic animals. The mythology is amazing, the animation is sublime, and the music is haunting. The pacing is a bit strange at first, and you may be confused at the way the plot moves, but you have to understand that it's all part of its charm. I think about No Evil way too much.

Dances Moving - you may know Brian David Gilbert from his work at Polygon, and his more recent absurdist Youtube ventures. This is from way before that! It's a fun and gradually heartwrenching musical exploration of a local dance group and what it means to move away from home. Seven short episodes.

ENA - this one is a bit more mainstream, so you may know it already. Who knows what's going on in the world of ENA? Definitely not me. Absurdism at its finest. Bizarre architecture, strange characters, if it's a metaphor I don't know what it's about, but the vibes are immaculate. Three actual episodes of varying length, apparently there's a video game set to come out soon-ish?

An Unauthorized Fan Treatise - serialized story. If you're a fan of internet drama a la Msscribe, you're going to adore it. It's a fiction story about a fictional fandom, and one massively messed up person who decides that two of the lead actors in her favorite show are secretly dating and sets out to prove it with a cited multi-chapter essay. And then it gets wild.

Comics

The Property of Hate - a wonderfully dynamic and colorful webcomic about a young girl getting chosen to become a make-believe world's Hero. Puns and wordplay galore. Absolutely delightful characters and worldbuilding. Ongoing.

Eat the Rich - a young woman goes to meet her boyfriend's extremely rich family, and learns their horrifying secret. Warning: cannibalism. 5 issues, complete.

Beanworld - impossible to describe, but I'll try. An absurdist semiabstract musing on the nature of life and cycles and community, set in a world where the rules are weirdly two-dimensional and you as a reader get weirdly invested in the routines and cycles that the inhabitants follow. And all of the main characters are cute lil bean guys. If you read anything on this list, do this one. (Linked is the only online version I could find, and it's not up-to-date. I own all the omnibuses in print. If you liked what you read here, I recommend tracking them down too.)

Short Stories (in no particular order, and certainly not all my favorites - just the ones I had bookmarked and on hand)

Bride, Knife, Flaming Horse - a young Indian woman looks for marriage in the fantastical, and finds several suitors

Fish (in 13 sections) - an obsessive unpacks a bewildering insult. Just, really fun.

Fandom For Robots - a robot discovers anime, and definitely doesn't have big feelings about it

Informed Consent Logs From The Soul-Swap Clinic - two people decide to swap bodies, for somewhat murky reasons.

The Magician's Apprentice - a young girl learns magic from her mentor. This one's about grooming. But not like that. But also a lot like that. But also it's so much more fucked up than that. (This one is a MEGA favorite, it's by Tamsyn Muir. Who you may recognize as the author of the Locked Tomb series - I'd rec that too here, if it wasn't definitely too mainstream for what I'm going for. Read this. And also read the Locked Tomb.)

The Tale of the Foolish King Who Banished Music - it's a snippet of a longer Doctor Who audio drama, but stands so nicely on its own. Unnerving little fairy tale.

The Spider - 1908 horror story about a man trying to figure out why so many men have spontaneously committed suicide in a specific hotel room. It's basically a TMA statement, in more ways than one.

Video Games

What Did Veronica Dream Of? - strange little rpgmaker puzzle game. Obtuse and weird, and I adore it. I wish I could explain why.

Secret Little Haven - point-and-click about being a trans girl on the internet in 1999. Completely nails the tone it's going for. Period-typical homo- and transphobia.

Linelith - a short (1-hour) puzzle game with no plot and no characters, and yet it contains one of the greatest plot-twists of all time. I'm begging you to play it immediately.

Lingo - puzzle game about linguistics, words, non-Euclidean goemetry, and figuring out an endless series of rules in a constantly expanding world. RIDICULOUSLY clever and good, and I've been playing it almost continuously for the last few months. It's got so much content for such a reasonable price, and the community-made maps add even more content (and are also excellent). If English isn't your first language, you may struggle, but otherwise - grab a bunch of friends and stream it. It's better with friends helping you out, I can guarantee it.

For A Change - a 1999 interactive fiction game about raising the sun in a world where words do not mean what you think they mean. If you're familiar with old text-based games, go ahead and play it - otherwise, you may want to read this transcript of a group of people playing it together instead.

Other Things

Carmilla - the classic 1800s lesbian vampire novella. I read it very recently, and it's extremely good. Absolutely delivers on the lesbian vampire premise in full gory detail, although do be aware that it was written in the context of homophobic fear.

Alberio - very fun light musical about two siren brothers reconnecting under less-than-ideal circumstances.

Mosquitoes - stage play about life and families and physics (theoretical and practical both). Very heavy topics, pulls no punches. The Boson's final monologue always wrecks me.

Ghost Quartet - musical/song cycle/experience about love, death, alcohol, and (of course) ghosts. Lots of cyclical stories and time travel weirdness. All of the songs are incredible.

Yankee and the Foreigners - music group that performs delightful upbeat covers of songs in animal onesies. Their Bare Necessities cover is a favorite of mine.

I'm sure there's lots more things I could rec (not a lot of books or movies here, huh? sorry about that. I immediately forgot everything I've ever read and watched) but these were the things that came to mind when I sat down and wrote this list, so hopefully there's something new and good for you in here!

[thewolfruns]

@peachyuus / blanca & ellie. ( cont'd from here ).

"i'm shopping." blanca didn't consider herself surly or brave, but nerves did things to a person. she'd seen her brother seem like the bravest guy in the world. her father, too. it didn't do either of them a damn bit of good. they were both dead anyway. so maybe brave wasn't really the way to go. she let out an annoyed sigh and nudged her bag with her foot. "i'm just trying to get whatever isn't already picked over. i'm not after you or whatever group your with." she avoided the question about being alone entirely. that wasn't a smart one to answer. "just peaches and first aid supplies. is that allowed, paul blart?" uh, oh. there was surly again. maybe it was a genetic malfunction. she'd never even seen the movie (or any movie, really), but it was the kind of thing her brother would've guffawed over and when she'd found a broken dvd it had made her kind of sad. her brother had all these experiences and could recall a time where he didn't have to be vigilant every second. what an asshole. "sorry," she added after a moment, a little softer. "i really don't want my last words to be paul blart mall cop joke. so, if it's the same to you, i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't shoot me."

[intergalacticartiste]

"Rick has a lot of drafts about Bird Person. Mostly drunk drafts about how soft his feathers feel and how unrequited love is hard." "Kinda sad. But then like five drafts down there's photo edits of Paul Blart mall cop as an anime school girl so.... I guess he's fine?" -Morty CR-34710N

[skandikonata]

Podcasts I'm subscribed to:

Advanced Sagebrush & Shootouts The Adventure Zone Androids & Aliens *The Angry Birds Drink Piss in the Angry Birds Movie Anime Sickos Aurelius Whitlock's Murder Museum Beyond the Map: a World of Darkness Series bigsofttitty.png Chapo Trap House Cum Town Blocked Party Cheap Show Clayne Cast *Cool Zone D&D is for Nerds The Deprogram Dragon Friends Dungeon Master of None Escape This Podcast The Flop House Free to a Good Home Get in the Trunk *Globe Hell Warning The Good Stuff Grimm Readings Guys: With Brian Quinby Hey Riddle Riddle If Books Could Kill Infinite Cast Know Your Enemy The Lovecraft Tapes Minion Death Cult Monster Crazy My Brother, My Brother and Me No One Can Know About This: A Podcast Where We Play Every Final Fantasy Not Another D&D Podcast Now We're Talking! Podcast About List The Podcast Mines Pretending to be People *Radioresepsjonen The Shrieking Shack Solve This Murder Sorry, Honey, I Have to Take This Spout Lore Sunday School Dropouts Three Bean Salad Til Death Do Us Blart We're Not So Different The White Vault why am i sad? The Worst of All Possible Worlds The Yard You Can't Win Young Sheldoncast Your Kickstarter Sucks

*Dead, but I keep subscribed just in case.

[pclyglct]

"Is it my job to help? I thought that was your responsibility, Paul Blart." Lizzie quipped, taking the last bite of her ice cream. Sad, but satisfying. "Consider the optics." She pointed her spoon at herself. "Beautiful girl, eating ice cream all by her lonesome minutes prior to curfew." She turned her spoon to point at him. "Cute enough wannabe mall cop, seemingly tasked with helping provide the citizens of New Orleans safe passage home." She motioned the spoon between the two of them. "What could have been a charming engagement of a wannabe cop playing knight to an obvious princess so she doesn't miss curfew - or a fun time intentionally missing curfew - instead became," she spun the spoon around in the direction of TJ and the run off suspect and herself in no discerning order, "whatever the hell bullshit this is." She ended her display by dropping her spoon back into her bowl. "Which is decidedly not fun."

"You're not helping," TJ snapped back. He knew he had lost his suspect, but now his attention was divided by her comments. "Go on, explain it all since you know everything."

[sadblart]

Always Cry with Blart...

#SadBlart

[honksnoo]

YEAAHHHHH ive been broken hearted.... knew since the day we blarted

[whales-are-gay]

IM LOSING FOLLOWERS FROM POSTING ABOUT MINECRAFT 

[letsbenditlikebennett]

[pm] Is it gassing you up if that's what I believe? But also I can and will gas you up... partly because it's cute when you blush. The mall cop is a worthy nemesis. Interrupting two gay girlies about to kiss? Homophobic, honestly. So what if I stole like four different Spider-Gwen costumes for you? Disney has enough money! ACAB so includes Paul Blart. Can't wait for the next issue to drop-- Magma Girl versus Paul Blart: The Showdown.

Good point.

[pm] I probably got that from my sister. But I'm glad they're helping. Happy Cass is my favorite Cass, but I like hurting, sad, or whatever other emotion Cass too. Your happiness in general is just important to me. No you. <3 I think she will, want you there. Cass, the girl has three refrigerators-- I don't think she cares about the $50. Her hairbrush probably costs more than that.

I think that's coming. She has a hard time trusting people, but she wants to be better with trust and have people she considers close. [...] I think maybe start with explaining the fae stuff first? Then the promise thing? I think she'd appreciate the honesty.

I was human before, too, but I knew about all of this stuff. I don't [...] think it's necessarily the same either. Because she had to die to become a zombie and all. I just got bitten which like yeah traumatic or whatever, but I knew it was a werewolf when it was biting me. Just thought I was fucking immune to lycanthropy It's... a long story that I want to tell you. I think it's more of an in-person story. I think I don't want to hide the parts of that story that hurt the most from you. But I was supposed to be something else, so I grew up learning about the supernatural.

So I can't say from Mack's viewpoint exactly, but from what I've learned about Mack, I think honesty is something she'd respect and appreciate.

[...]

I... have no idea what that is.

[pm] I love to succeed. [...] The coolest? Now you're just gassing me up. I definitely need a nemesis, and that mall cop is seriously pushing me. ACAB includes Paul Blart. [...] Well, as long as one of us hears something and can warn the other. That's what's important. Nobody getting caught off guard.

[pm] You know you're, like, really good at pep talks? I always feel better after I talk to you. Always. You're kind of, like, the best person ever. But I want to be there for her. If she wants me to. [...] I also kind of conned her out of $50 when we first met, so I'm kind of 0 for 2 here.

I hope she feels less lonely now. I haven't explained to her what the promise means yet, but maybe she'd feel better if I did? Or maybe she would think that it was manipulative and wrong. What do you think? Would you feel better if you knew? I know it's not exactly the same, but you were human before, too, right? So you probably know better than I do what she might be feeling.

Do you think it would be [...] insensitive if I still watched the Walking Dead?

[lupy-leaf]

I just dove back into the McElroy podcasts and I think the reason I started listening less in the first place is that the energy is not really there, especially for Mbmbam?? 

Like when you put the guys in any of the podcasts that haven’t been going on for over 10 years like Besties or Mbmbam they seem to be enjoying themselves a lot more. Any of the podcasts with Rachel, Sydnee, and Teresa are like so sweet and fun and a good time, the Empty Bowl is always fun, Death Blart rocks, all of that stuff is really great it’s just that when I actually listen to Mbmbam, their central thing, they just do not seem to be having a good time. It’s like they don’t think they can just... stop doing The Thing They Don’t Like. 

It makes me wish that they’d restructure or honestly just end Mbmbam because listening to new episodes where Travis and Griffin fall back into their same character bit they’ve been doing for ages while Justin just could not care less until he pretends to be excited for a new Munch Squad is kinda just sad and I’d rather listen to things they’re actually passionate about.

And that’s the thing!! When they’re really into it and not just “Doing their job,” the shows they do are so funny!! I just wish they’d allocate more of their time and energy into stuff they were invested in for the sake of their mental health and just kinda their brand in general.

[incorrectdmp]

DMP SEASON 4 EPISODE 9 OUT OF CONTEXT SPOILERS

okay so like. i’m GENUINELY sorry that i haven’t been updating this blog a lot outside of ooc spoilers. genuinely my sense of time rn is so messed up that i think i’m updating it semi-frequently then realize i only did one round of quotes before a new episode drops lol. didn’t even do anything for last episode my sense of time is just utterly fucked. so sorry hahaha i can’t promise i’ll try to remember things but. i still love this blog i’m just drifting outside of space and time atm

spoilers ahead as normal but honestly this episode was so chill and vibin you could PROBABLY read this update without watching and wouldn’t be majorly spoiled for much. ngl this is one of my fav ooc spoilers because not much super intense happened so i was able to capture most of the shenanigans through memes

-charlie, probably (made by pip for space game. Saved it in advance knowing it was spoilers for this episode lol)

I’m pretty sure tasting the colour pink is just peptol bismol

Charlie has reached a new low 2 episodes after the pizza image, somehow

“Despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage” -thorin

Alex’s nickname on the fanserver sure is real awkward now

Charlie is a weeb. next up, the sky is blue

I mean. If YOU gained god powers don’t tell me you WOULDN’T watch every anime in existence

The biggest tonal dissonance between the art and the music i’ve ever seen

-art by cam

Cant believe zephi is cg’s friend from work

NO TEARS. ONLY YOGA

My therapist: calm voice CG isn’t real he can’t hurt you. Calm voice CG:

Even the void is not immune to capitalism

COMPETITIVE YOGA

GAY PANIC TIME, THE FRIEND FROM WORK HAS ARRIVED

Vinny is phoenix wright 

Junior is denied playing with dogs by virtue of not being in the show. Shame.

Thorin being left alone with zephi, this could only end well. Just look how minerva ended up!

Vinny straight up admits he’s willing to kill a dog

“Ezra, yay or nay about val’s area” 

Miss Charlie steal yo girl

“I fucked your girl shitlips” -charlie, probably

Maybe ONE day the space jam scenario will see the light of day

Welcome to FUCK IT

The local mall cryptid returns at last

Two legends make a triumphant return: junior no last name and the gazebo

Junior nolastname can legally swear

Chuck. 

How dare you make me sad over one piece jokes

Just Starbucks

After months of CG and grace being the best goddamn dynamic in the show despite it being ENTIRELY noncanon they GET TO FUCKING INTERACT IN THE SHOW

Alex’s hyena laugh my beloved

Paul blart flesh mall

Do not investigate the meat

Yugo wasn’t dead, he was just put in gay baby jail for a nap

-cam

ALEX BE DROPPIN HOT BARS THO

Tommathan 

Hailey gets struck by the apollo ball

Yknow. A proposal. As a friend. She put a ring on it. As a friend. 

Tommy and angalena h*ld h*nds

Sometimes ur just so depressed you dont realize ur girlfriend proposed to you in a romantic way

Perhaps, just once, the girls will not be fighting

TACTICAL STEALTH EZRA

“It’s like i’m a WEBSERIES CHARACTER” -hailey looks directly at the camera

DAD TIME

Dads havin a good dad talk. I’m just vibin to this music

“The surrealism of it made me nearly scream”

Daily reminder that percy blackwood punched a kid at sunday school

Things gettin spicy in this mattress store ;)

Val averts thine eyes, at the disappointment of the fans

TOES TIME

Kingdom hearts called, it wants its belts back

Dmp would be instantly solved if junior hadnt been demoted to mall cryptid. Bitch been on screen for like 5 minutes and he’s goin full cinemasins on CG’s ass

Jesus canon to dmp

Junior decided to test god, he fucks around and finds out

CG throwing a temper tantrum and ripping apart his dolls like an angy 5 year old

(bitch), CG edition

THAT’S IT YOU’RE GOING TO SPENCERS

Eternal gazebo time

HOLY SHIT???? People go to malls to SHOP???

oh wow! [eldritch screeching] my favourite pokemon!!!

HAIR SWOOSH GANG

Oh noooooooo my two favs are talking whatever will i dooooooooooo

Yall are really just gonna shove doc’s corpse into a pretzel box huh

Charlie just progresses more and more into being comically small and sad

Rip the mall announcer, lost to the parking lot. We barely knew you

Charlie is a basic bitch, we been knew

Yeahhhh no cg sure as hell aint human. No human being would reasonably wear THAT

[titanicsimp]

Can i have random modern headcanons for jean w female reader please? Stuff like food he likes, games he plays, clothes he wears... General stuff maybe 🥺 thank u

Thank you for sending in a request ♥️ I hope you like them 🥺

Jean would either work at GameStop or at a car garage. In both companies he would be a manager or top mechanic, he likes a challenge but also the laid back moments the jobs offer.

He plays Fortnite unironically. Most of his friends have the game and he likes a co-op shooter.

Horror games are something he likes, but he gets spooked when playing them himself. He loves watching playthroughs on YouTube since he doesn’t often finish them himself since he’s so jumpy. He loves watching you play them as well, holding you on his lap while intently watching you play from behind your shoulder.

He’s the same with horror movies. Will he cuddle up with you and watch them? Hell yes. Will he probably spill some popcorn on you? Most definitely.

Secretly really into sad romance movies. It’s something he only shares with you, but movies like ‘Me before you’ have him bawling.

The types of movies he loves the most are monster movies. Godzilla, King Kong, etc. They are easy, relaxed watches for him.

Jean would mostly be friends with his coworkers and people he met through you. His big mouth deters some people, makes them think he’s just a jerk instead of a goof with poor judgment.

He mostly wears sweaters in green and grey tones or graphic tees. He wears cuffed jeans but only because he thinks it makes him look trendy.

His movies/gaming set up is a thick, sweatpants material onesie. You had bought it because you thought it was funny, like a giant hoodie and sweatpants combined, but it’s so comfy that he wears it almost daily. You have to steal the thing while he’s sleeping to get a chance to wash it.

Loves taking you to movie premieres. Jean finds it’s so exciting to be one of the first to see a movie, and being able to see it with you just adds to it.

He loves cinemas in general, they are just the right kind of loud to him.

Pizza nights are best nights to Jean. He loves cuddling up on the couch with you while sharing a large pizza and binging a show or doing a movie marathon.

As a hobby he would play a competitive sport like football. He’s a sore loser, screaming at the opposing team and sulking to you for days after the match.

Grows out a mustache at least once just to see but quickly shaves it off after you keep on laughing at him for looking like Paul Blart.