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#sad :( i wish things could have been different
ninyard · 2 days
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do you perhaps have any thoughts on kevin telling wymack about kayleigh's letter? it's just so interesting to me and i'm so sad we didn't get to see it :(
SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG <33 I wanted to do this justice and although i feel like there's a different way it could've gone, I feel like this is... one of the options at least
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Kevin's hands shook so badly when he knocked on his coach's office door, that the first knock of knuckles on wood hardly made a sound at all. That could've been a sign to walk away, but instead he knocked again. David looked up from whatever papers he was rummaging through to see Kevin in the doorway, and he sat back, waiting for him to explain his presence.
It was an age before Kevin found his voice, "Do you have a minute?"
"Am I going to regret it?" Wymack crossed his arms over his chest and rolled his chair over to get a better look at him, while he shut the door behind him.
"Are you busy?" Kevin asked instead, and stepped into the room so slowly he felt like he was barely moving at all.
"I'm always busy," He answered, his eyes following Kevin as he sat down. "But right now, no, I'm not. Everything okay?"
Kevin looked at the floor, his cheeks burning with an unyielding anxiety that he couldn't control, worse for every second longer that he looked into Wymack's eyes without telling him the truth.
"I wanted to talk to you about something." Kevin tried, sitting forward in the chair across from his desk. "But I don't know where to start."
"Are you quitting?"
Kevin exhaled through his nose. "No."
"Is it Edgar Allan related?"
"No, it's not."
"Is anyone dying?"
"No, Coach."
Wymack held out his hands and shrugged his shoulders with a pout, "So, what's there to be worried about?"
Kevin hesitated before looking up at him. He really has no idea. Guilt burnt it's way up his throat, guilt for what he was about to say, for what he was about to do.
Do or die. Now or never.
Kevin took another deep breath and prepared himself for the worst.
"It's about my mom."
David paused for a second before shifting in his chair, a twitch in his eyebrows as he tried to read Kevin's face.
"Okay,” Wymack said. “What do you want to know?”
“No, it’s…” Kevin sighed in frustration. A part of him wished he'd written a script, or perhaps left the letter anonymously on his desk for him to find later. Anything that would save him from having this conversation unprepared. Unprepared still, even after he'd spent years thinking about how he would say it. But that wasn't fair, and the longer he waited, the worse it would be.
At least it was easy to forgive his silence when he didn't physically have the letter in South Carolina, but Neil had pulled away the safety net of distance by delivering him the letter, and he couldn't put it off any longer..
“I actually want to tell you something.”
Wymack didn’t understand, and it was written all over his face - he knew that Kevin never really knew his mom, and what he knew he hardly remembered, and what he remembered only existed in flashes and feelings. What could Kevin possibly tell him that he didn't already know?
It was a moment before he made any movement, but looking at Kevin, he held a hand up and raised his eyebrows, "Well?"
"My mom wrote me a letter," Kevin started, as Wymack slowly leaned back into his seat. "I don't know when, or if I was supposed to even see it, or..." Kevin reminded himself to breathe. "She wrote about you."
David exhales a short laugh from his nose, "And what did she say?"
He smiled like he was waiting for a joke to come, like he knew exactly what she could've said. Kevin wasn't sure if there was something in the look on his face, but as he felt every drop of blood in his body draining down into his shoes, David's small smile faded.
"Can I just give it to you?" Kevin said, after another agonising minute of trying to find the right thing to say. "And I don't know how I want you to react, David, I don't know how you're going to feel or what you're going to think. You don't have to say anything, okay? Please don't."
Wymack straightened up again, his smile gone and replaced with an uncomfortable frown. He repeated Kevin, an inquisitive statement, "You don't want me to say anything?"
"Or do, I don't know." Kevin took the letter from his pocket, and it was only then that he realised just how badly he was shaking. David's eyes flickered down to the practically vibrating piece of paper in his hands. "Just... Don't feel like you have to, I guess."
David extended his hand Kevin's way again, but Kevin felt frozen in place. His heart was pounding in his throat, like this was one of the biggest secrets he'd ever kept being spilled out, right in front of his eyes. And it was just that, really, something he'd kept buried deep. This secret was his mother's, not his, and perhaps that made it worse. She decided to keep David in the dark, her burden to bear that he was left out of the loop, but now, Kevin sat there, the truth in his hands, doing his mother's dirty work.
There was no going back once he handed that letter over. There was no pretending he didn't know, there was no more blissful ignorance. Kevin knew that handing over that letter would change Wymack's life - it would turn everything he knew about himself, and Kayleigh, and Kevin on it's head. In just a minute or two more, he would be a father. It would change his relationship with Abby, his relationship with Kevin. It would posthumously change his relationship with Kayleigh, because once Kevin handed it over, he would be a dad, and she had kept that from him. But right then, before the paper left Kevin's hands, he wasn't. For a moment more, he had no idea what the words trembling in Kevin's hands said. It was hard to soak that in when he could barely focus at all.
"You're freaking me out now, kid." David leaned forward, an awkward laugh behind his smile. He was just about able to reach the paper that Kevin held, but he hovered his hand over it instead. "May I?"
When Kevin meekly nodded, he took the letter, and Kevin's stomach finally gave out. He brought his hand up to his mouth to cover the gag that threatened to leave his lunch on the floor. David didn't notice. He sat back instead, smiling as he read the writing that he recognised, the tone just like how she used to speak, presumably.
"She-" He started, a joke or a memory on the tip of his tongue, and Kevin knew where in the letter he was. He knew where he had gotten to, because David's smile was quickly wiped away as he froze, still like a mannequin, exhaling a breath through his now open lips. His eyes were frantic as they skimmed over words that were almost meaningless after what he'd just read.
He flipped the page over, probably waiting to find "Just kidding!" written on the back. But it wasn't there, and he wouldn't find it, and the words wouldn't change no matter how many times he reread them to make sure. Kevin already knew that to be true.
After far too long, he quietly asked, "Where did you get this?"
"She left it with the Master." Kevin swallowed, his mouth dry. "I found it a few years ago."
"A few-" David said, like he'd been punched in the stomach. His words were cut off in his throat as he tried to find something to say. "Who..."
Kevin shoved his shaking hands under his thighs, and bit the inside of his lip to stop himself from crying. He could feel all of these bottled up feelings bubbling in his chest, but when he said he didn't know how he wanted David to react, he meant it. That didn't mean that he wasn't hurt by the silence that fell over the room, that he wasn't hurt by the worry that painted over his face. David wasn't smiling, but he wasn't angry. He wasn't happy, or upset, either. His face was unreadable. Maybe it would be easier if his feelings were clear. Maybe rage would be easier to swallow than shock.
"Jesus," David sighed, and ran a hand down his face. He dropped the letter on the desk, shutting his eyes for a moment.
"You don't have to say anything," Kevin said again, his voice shaking now too, and finally he looked up. Finally he looked into Kevin's eyes, only visible for just a second until they filled with tears that he couldn't hold back. "I just... thought you deserved to know. I'm sorry."
"Yeah," He nodded and looked up at the ceiling. Kevin wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. He didn't look back at Kevin when he quietly asked, "Who else knows?"
"Jean, Riko," Kevin put a hand on his chest. Any longer and his heart would be on the table in between them. "And... Neil. But he hasn't told anyone, I promise."
"You told Neil?" It was almost angry, but more tired than anything else. Like all his energy had been sucked out of him by reading just a few words on a page.
"No, Coach, I didn't," Kevin was quick to clear up the assumption. He sniffed, and David pursed his lips as Kevin tried to talk through the tears that spilled down his cheeks, unstoppable, guilt filled. "He found the letter over the holidays and he brought it back here with him. I'm sorry."
David sighed again, and after a long and terrible pause, he said, "Kevin, I need a minute."
Kevin tried to find just an ounce of something in his words, a speck of relief, or reassurance, or anything that would make Kevin feel even just a little bit better about the decision he'd made. His hand was forced, in a way, twisted behind his back as Neil pushed him into Wymack's office to tell him the truth.
"Okay," Kevin agreed, and picked the letter up to replace it back into his pocket. "I'm sorry."
"Stop that," David clicked his tongue and waved him off. "I just need time to think."
Kevin nearly tripped over his own feet trying to get up. He crossed the room, the weight of the conversation left unspoken pulling him back, begging to be understood and spoken about and explained over and over. But he had to go. David needed space, and he needed time. It wasn't fair to expect anything else from him.
The door had just about closed before he had sighed again.
"Kev," He crossed his arms, and Kevin turned to look at him, holding the door open with an outstretched hand. "We'll talk later."
"Sure." He nodded with a teary exhale. He wasn't sure if what he felt was relief or not, but it was something, as it always was. Perhaps it was just the reassurance of a conversation to be had, instead of a topic that would be buried and forgotten, living on through his mother's faded handwriting and the very few people who knew.
"Just not right now," David clarified with a weak and desperate smile.
"Okay." Kevin's lip trembled. "Thank you, Coach."
David looked between Kevin's eyes for a moment longer before he gestured to him that that was all. He reached for the phone in front of him as Kevin quietly shut the door. The door was too thick and the ringing in his ears too loud for him to eavesdrop on what was being said or who he was talking to. Kevin used the collar of his t-shirt to wipe his eyes again.
They'd talk about it later.
Kevin did the only thing that he knew he could do, and he jogged down to the court. Andrew would kill him for being on the court without gear, a practice racquet in his hands that hadn't been stored away earlier. Coach would kill him for firing shots without a helmet on, but still Kevin dropped a ball in his net, and with his left hand, he fired towards the goal until it lit up red, until all that was left in his head was red lights and loud buzzers, and the bouncing of a ball against plexiglass.
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1byhwng · 2 days
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16 with chan pleasee 🫶🏻🫶🏻 make it as angsty as possible hehe
prompt 16 - “we’re done”
member; Chan
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The one thing you thought would never happen with Chan happened. You’ve always thought he was a great guy, never capable of doing anything so low.
You were wrong and you hate that you were, you wish it wasn’t true. It’s sad to think about..the amazing caring Chan cheating on you, with your best friend.
you haven’t talked to him about it but it was clear that you were distancing yourself from him. But he didn’t seem to mind.
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It’s been weeks since you’ve last seen chris..your own boyfriend. He hasn’t even been replying to your texts at all and when he did he’d send short answers not even a ´love you’ just a ‘ttyl’. He would rarely send any pictures to show how he was doing or called to hear your voice.
You’re sitting on the couch reading when you hear a knock at the door. You set your book down and walk to the door opening it to see Chan there with a bouquet of flowers, all of the flowers were your favorite colors.  “Hey baby” he says walking handing you the bouquet before giving you a short kiss. You just stood there unsure of what to say or do.
you look at the flowers, it was a very pretty arrangement of course but your gut just wouldn’t let you be happy about it. It wouldn’t let you be happy about finally seeing your boyfriend. It wouldn’t let you forget the fact that he cheated on you with your best friend.
You could see the confusion in his eyes as the silence fill the room. “Do you not like them? I can take them back and get different ones.” He says in a hurried manner.
you don’t respond for a moment, your mind running a thousand miles a minute.
You feel tears brim your eyes as you look up at him “you cant just show up to my house…after completely ignoring me for weeks.” Your handd tightening around the bouquet. “Baby..you know I’ve been busy-“ you shove the bouquet back in his hands already having enough of his excuses “busy cheating on me by fucking my best friend?!” You could see the shock in his face “Y/N it’s not like that, I promise you.” He reaches out to you but you move away “I wouldn’t do that to you..”
“but you did, Chris. You did the one thing I didn’t think you would do.”
He stays silent as he sees your state. He could tell you’ve probably already known about it. “please let me explain…I promise it will make sense.” You clench your fist as he speaks. “You don’t have to.” You say taking a breath before speaking again “we’re done”. The look on Chan’s face breaks you but not as much as it broke you when you found out he cheated.
“you’ve got to be joking, Y/N? Please tell me you’re joking.” He says his eyes tearing up. “Please leave Christopher.” You say looking away from him. “Don’t call me that.” He cringes as you say his government name. You shrug and motion to the door trying to hold back any more tears. “I won’t ask again, leave.” You speak in a stern tone.
“Fine.” You watch as he walks to the door. He stops and tosses the bouquet to you. “I still love you..I did something stupid and yes that was my fault but I never stopped caring for you.” he says before leaving.
You look at the flowers scattered across your floor as you cry. You’d never think you’d care that much about him. Before you could curse yourself for confronting him you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket.
You open your phone to see Felix’s messages the number going up every few seconds. Atleast you knew you had someone to talk to.
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A/N - I’m sorry if it’s not what you wanted but I tried 😭
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thoughtsonkm · 12 hours
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Goodbye, for now
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BABY? HONEY? BOYFRIEND SHOT? Jikook you're too much!
This episode was truly the best way to end the show, maybe even the best episode of the series. (Neck in neck with episode 2 of course) The way they enjoyed it so much but were also so sad it was over. The hot tension all around, the soft boyfriends mood who can't stop flirting and name calling each other with the most low-key couple-like sweet names. They could not stop laughing, they could not stop touching and they couldn't stop being hilarious without even trying.
~
SK Spotify daily chart end of November 2023 :
Jimin Jungkook Jimin Jungkook Jimin Jimin
~
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It would be such a full circle moment if Jimin posted the boyfriend photo (which won't happen). Would almost be like a soft launch of some sort.
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Not the underwear too?? Gosh I love my little gay freaks!! (didn't understand why Jimin would quote their 'yet another inner joke meme' right at that moment but I've learned to not question their inner workings)
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Sorry but i have to be pretty one last time and say that I kinda had enough of seeing so much from the crew around or even in Jikook's shots and angles. It breaks the fourth wall a little too much and ruins the whole bubble idea. Ok I'm done lol
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Returning to the issue at hand, the "seeing the beds for the first time" scene keeps getting funnier and funnier. As if they don't already have designated sides of the bed 😏
~
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Ah the never ending bickering gives me life. Peep the half korean half english talk when they playfully get on each others nerves 👀😂
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I better not speak on the scuzzi jacuzzi shenanigans cause otherwise.. Let's just say the photo speaks for itself..
NO YOU KNOW WHAT IMMA SPEAK. We all know that jacuzzi time is always intimate, relaxing and personal for people that's why I wish Jikook had enjoyed it fully without cameras. Yes I'm pissed on their behalf, that they had to film the whole thing with 382929 different angles. lol
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His face is literally saying "oh so you're really gonna make me do it huh? if I was in your place I would've folded immediately and would've never let you go through with it!!" 😂
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No one ever:
Jikook every 2sec : HONEY OH HONEY
(I was actually listening to the song while writing this and idk why it's so funny to me even tho it's a sad love ballad)
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They must've loved getting the chance to at least see one episode of the show, plus the idea of watching it together..
Jungkook being so entertained by it meanwhile Jimin being mortified about half of the things that happened. HILARIOUS
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HAHAHHAHAHA all parties were concerned if they'd be able to pull it off, I can't
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BEST BELIEVE they're always gonna find a way to touch. Consciously or unconsciously.
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This show made me realize that my favourite thing ever is Jk making food for Jimin, then making him hysterically laugh and therefore getting to hear Jimin's adorable giggles.
~
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"Hello it is I the one and only, the only one who can touch Jimin's head ble ble ble ble" - JK
Jk was like: How can you imagine Jimin without me in your dream? Are you crazy? What is this delusional dream world you live in Jin hyung??
~
Tbh it's so meaningful and a huge thing saying that these trips were literally the best trips of your life. I think the statement almost went over people's heads.
I can't get enough of Jimin looking pretty and cuddly and Jungkook's immediate thought being: I HAVE TO FILM YOU
Them saying they can do a reboot when they come back gave me some hope that maybe just maybe this is not the end of AYS 😭
The ending bonus clip left me fulfilled but also sad and with goosebumps all over.
Thank you Jimin & Jungkook for letting us peek into this trip and getting to witness some of your precious moments.
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Signing off, J&J 🥹
Ps. So I'm guessing the 52 minute video that comes with the photobook is probably the 3 bts videos combined that they've been reviewing for 48392 months right?
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nekovmancer · 3 days
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overwatch headcanons: how they say "I love you" with Ramattra, Reaper, Reinhardt, Cassidy and Hanzo
a bit angsty and some curse words ahead, but still sfw. don’t blame me, I enjoy the suffering and since you're still reading I bet you also do
also silly little juno was SMASHED by writer’s block again, please help sending a headcanon request, but read rules first
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Ramattra
doesn’t say it at all, actually
he was shaped for violence, hands carefully constructed to murder
the sentience came with grief, sorrow, rage… but love? this big fella doesn’t even love himself, to begin with
it’s hard for him to cope with affection, to learn the aspects of it, mostly the very subtle nuances of reciprocation
but it’s you, and since you came along, this foreign feeling haunts him 
and when you say “I love you” first… he’s so silent you’re scared you’ve broken him with this three words alone
“How is it possible for you to love a being as myself?”
he feels the urge to say something back, but simply can’t vocalize the words he’s dying to say
you know he’s overwhelmed already, his pride contrasting his feelings, so you don’t push him too far: Ramattra shows you enough
but your words echoes in his systems for days
in one of these, he’s with you as he always do before you fall asleep, and the words just came out
“I may not have a heart, and even if I did, it wouldn’t be mine: it would be yours. It always has been.”
it’s not an explicit I love you
no, it’s much better
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Reaper
you know what happens between you two must stay secretive
it’s… casual, if you can name it such
I mean, he comes to you every damn night, and most of them aren’t for sex, but for company 
and the cuddles, of course
you see him past the scars, the shadows… what lies beneath it as the ghost of a man 
and you love him nonetheless
despite all the danger that comes along with him being one of Talon’s counselors and a declared enemy to Overwatch
until one night, when he doesn’t show up and never let you know why
and this one night turns into tons
you’re broken, to say at least
he avoids you, not even a single stolen glance through briefings, no more missions together
you don’t know where you manage to find the courage to confront him, but somehow you do, so you’re cornering Reaper himself and demanding an answer 
“Isn’t it obvious?”
well, of course: you were dumb enough to get to attached
but he steps closer, so surprisingly close you can hear a shallow breath muffled by his mask
the shadows engulf you both before you can blink, and his ghostly touch stops just inches away from your cheek
“I’ve risked too much so far… but not you, not anymore”
you know what he means, you just wish you didn’t
he departs with a last glance over his shoulder, to never look back again 
if he wasn’t who he was, maybe things would be different
yet if things weren’t the same, you two wouldn’t even met
in the end, you’re left to grief in the graveyard he paths on his way away from you
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Reinhardt
he’s a hero and will always be
but that doesn’t mean Reinhardt is invincible
that’s why you’re laying by his side, taking extra care to not accidentally touch the bandages covering his torso
you’re little injured from the last mission, a few scratches maybe
thanks to him, who jumped right into the moment to keep your head glued to your neck
per usual, he would be flourishing the battle tales and his epic acts, his thunderous laugh echoing through the HQ, but now?
the sadness contorting his face breaks your heart 
he stares down at you, one calloused thumb tracing under the thin line of the stitches on your cheekbone
“I’ve let them hurt you”
oh… so that’s it
“If I was a second late… I hate to even think of what could've happened”
he groans, retreating his hand and looking away 
if he could ever be more dearing, you would’ve exploded 
you cup his face and make Reinhardt look at you once again, reassuring him you’re here, safe and sound, thanks to him 
it takes a bit of convincing, but soon enough you hear one of his deep chuckles resonating in his chest and know that you’ll be just fine
“I will always be there to protect you, liebling, no matter what it takes. For I could never live in a world where there is no you by my side.”
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Cassidy
he’s always flirting and teasing, so you would assume it’s all a joke
despite him throwing his arm over your shoulder and resting his head on yours every goddamn time he has a chance
and if you’re quiet and close enough, you can hear his fast heartbeats pulsing
maybe… he’s just affectionate, yeah
not that you see Cole like that with anyone else, but
you could never take him seriously, because he can never be serious for once
it’s always a wink here, a smooth darlin’ there
yet he never makes a move on you that gives you the clarity you need
so it’s it, an eternal what if
until one days he comes from a mission, all dirty and hurt
you’re surprised to see he came straightforward to you, still trying to catch his breath while holding to his injured side
but before you can drop any question, Cole smashes his lips against yours
and it feels holy 
he keeps you close when you break the kiss, trying to remind yourself how to breath
his breath is so warm against your face, and that familiar scent of smoke makes your knees weak
“I fucking meant everything I’ve ever said, doll”
for the way he just kissed you, you’re now sure he does 
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Hanzo
Hanzo isn’t one to speak about his feelings openly
you’re actually surprised you’re now tiptoeing around some sort of serious relationship
at least, you think it’s serious since you barely leave each other’s side
it’s extremely hard for him to be vocal about his affection, though
sometimes, he would still flinch when you touch him out of blue
but he loves to run his fingers along your hair, your face…
your body is his to worship
and there’s this lazy morning, where he’s kissing your knuckles and embracing your waist…
you just feel you could melt right here, into him
until something cold circles your finger and your eyes snap open
a ring
a FUCKING ring
you stare at him in pure disbelief, eyes so wide they must pop out by any second
Hanzo shows the most loving smile you had ever seen, kissing your ring finger
that now has an actual engagement ring 
“Being with you everyday is still too little time. I wish nothing but foreverness with you”
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hannahssimblr · 2 days
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Her shoulders begin to shake with her sobs. “I hate this,” she says. “I hate all this bloody change all at once.”
“I know.”
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Startled, we both look up as the patio door opens. Evie slips out. Perhaps she is looking for me, but she diverts her course and begins collecting the empty plates on the table instead. She goes back into the kitchen. 
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“Fuck sake,” says Jen, swiping at her face like she could shove the tears back where they came from. “Here I am, crying at you, after Evie’s already cried at you, and who knows who else, Jesus Christ.”
“It’s alright. There’s a kind of sad, crying vibe in the air these days.”
She laughs. “Except you, right? You’ve not shed a tear.”
“I’ve cried,” I say mysteriously. “Just not tonight.”
“You will.”
“I don’t think so. To be honest, I’ve been feeling a bit numb in general.”
“Makes sense. I wish I was.”
“No, you don’t.”
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She rests her head on my shoulder. It’s a familiar, specifically Jen kind of action, the feel of that soft, warm cheek through my t-shirt and the smell of her shampoo. This action is one she’s repeated a thousand times before, like when we watch a film, or when she’s tired, or sad, or wants to talk about her day, or read a book with me and comment on it without context. I know it will be the last time for a while. 
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“I’ll miss you,” she says. “I think I’m going to miss all of this time in my life when it’s gone.”
“Nah, things will get better than this. Don’t hold these years up as the best you’ll ever have. That’s depressing.”
“Do you think we’ll romanticise our teens some time in the future? Whether we’ll think about how young and gorgeous we were, all the fun we had, and give absolutely anything to get it back?”
I chuckle. “No. I’ve hated this mess. There’s barely anything I’d like to preserve.”
“Except me.”
“Yeah, except you, exactly as you are. Obviously. I’d keep you in a glass jar if I could and take you all over the world in my bag.”
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Evie crosses the kitchen window with another handful of bowls, and we both watch her slot them neatly into the dishwasher. “And her,” says Jen. “You’d keep her too.”
“Jen.”
“Wouldn’t you?”
“Of course not.”
“I think that if you had half a brain, you would.”
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It’s true. This girl that I watch through the window, with whom I spent just a summer, has trusted me with her dreams. Those whispered to me in a parked, idling car. Her secrets, she revealed as we lay on the grass under a canopy of blossoming trees. There are parts of me only she has seen. I know that if the timing were different, and a girl like this would have me, I would build my world around her, but we’re too young, and by the time I met her, it was already much too late.
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She flits around the kitchen until she’s cleared away the last dish, and then with idle hands, for one moment, she stands and stares out the window. I know she is looking for me, and won’t see me in the dark, yet I feel like there’s a frisson between us. It’s striking and strange. It’s some sort of knowing. We are watching one another with a stillness, like two animals of the same species spotting one another in the wild. 
Then she turns and is swallowed up by the darkened hallway behind her. 
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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🧸♡ ⋆。˚
#it actually does make such a huge difference omg im like ... feels like i got thrown into the floor lost my breath#having someone i like so much to talk to abt things#and share stuff and details abt not only my days but their days too#and talking abt like books that we read or shows/movies we saw and etc etc#sending pics. sending voice messages. all of that#that was so amazing wth???#it sounds like such a mundane thing but it changed my enire baseline. it wasnt a littel thing to me#i didnt share as much as i wanted to because it takes me longer to settle into smth like this#or any kind of connection/correspondence/bond/rapport#im slow bc im so scared of ppl. scared of trusting. scared of opening up. rejection rejection all of that#yeah.. takes me a lot longer than the average person to settle into smth like this#avpd is its own special hell...#i miss it a lot and i wish there hadnt been all the other circumstances so i could've actually relaxed into it#and come out of my shell completely. which i was almost there. now that mental block is gone but it's too late....#i take too long... it is impossible to be patient with me. i really hate everything abt my brain#my desire overtook my fear and it was quicker than it ever has but not enough.. :(#i miss it sm and it made me feel so so much lust for life..#but it's gone now and i can really feel the loss of it#i wouldve done anything i could to save it. or nurture it. or whatever. but it was a sacred treasure to /me/.#it doesnt matter if i try to put out the flames in a burning house if the house is gone and there are actually only the flames left#and since to me it is so special. and like. the fact that this even happened is crazy to me stuff like this feelings and connection never#happen to me. it's like.. special to talk to someone u like & have an established rapport with on a regular basis#and tell them stuff and rant abt like a book or whatever. ask them details abt their life bc u know them and enjoy knowing them#i cant just transfer all of this to someone else. i dont feel like yapping abt the book im reading into the void or someone i barely know#i just dont know... i need that sm and it was so amazing w someone i like sm. & it makes me sad i takes me too long to get fully comfortable#bc of this time were it was the most intense and long lasting for me but also im in love lmao. but other times too...#i take too long and why would someone wanna wait like actually a year (which is how long it often takes me to pass a certain barrier)#im not special. im nothing that great. it is easy to find someone else who is x1000 better than me and wont take an eternity to warm up#i just feel so sad bc i try so hard and then all of my effort just goes down the drain and then i have to do it again if i meet someone#then they'll leave me behind too and get tired of me and not like what they see and then im back at square 1 again
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skunkes · 9 months
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IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO TRANSITION. THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THEIR 80S TRANSITIONING NOWADAYS, TAKE YOUR TIME <3 <3
thank u, i understand this its just a little hard to continue to cope sumtimes... Like ohh okay i didnt get to grow up a boy... ohhh okay i dont get to be a guy in my 20's either.....ok..........👍.......ok.......
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obeymeow · 1 year
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nightbringer lesson 14 FUCKED ME UP in several ways but primarily I've spent the last 48 hours making myself sad over the solomon backstory we got. specifically I have, for no reason, latched onto that one chapter in the Kids event where baby solomon cried because he felt so guilty over being responsible for that spell. and that just feels a touch more depressing in context
#nightbringer spoilers#obey me on side#went back and unlocked the event again because i could not get this out of my brain i know it's probably not that deep#but it is that deep TO ME. okay#baby solomon has been on my brain since thirteen told that story so that's probably why it's sticking in my brain so hard but whatever#in case anyone was wondering the other things to make me sad are:#he has such a deeply excessive amount of lights in his room in purgatory hall there are SEVERAL chandeliers and lamps#there's a good handful in his room in cocytus hall too (his horror dg showed it) if a more normal amount#but that with the 'dim and gloomy' detail. ☹️#i've also always thought that solomon's loneliness wasn't all about the immortal angst but like.#having it confirmed that he's had reason to be lonely since he was a child- before he was old enough to know he was using magic-#totally crushed me girl why can't I be wrong#had emotions about lesson 14 in general but solomon backstory steals the show every time for me so i haven't gotten around to the rest#i'm enjoying the nightbringer story so much (not talking about the game design. that's a different thing entirely) but man#the pacing is WILD it feels like every lesson could be a whole lesson block at the least. it's giving me a lot of room to speculate#which I always love! but i do wish they would slow down a little and expand on some of these concepts they're bringing up#because the basic idea of the game alone is REALLY INTRIGUING and it'd be a shame if they raced back to the present imo#what was i even talking about. sorry my brain fast forwards as soon as i get into the tags there is not one sequitur to be seen#so curious about solomon's friend now too. like my guess is it's going to be lilith (and hopefully not in a popular fan theory kind of way)#because it's more than a little suspicious that they expanded on lilith's views on humans the way they did#in a way that SO PERFECTLY lines up with the expansion on solomon's views on humans#WHICH I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT YET BY THE WAY BUT LIKE. HE IS SO RIGHT AND REAL FOR THAT#it's beyond stressful to me that I think solomon is completely justified in his views and being completely reasonable about it#but that it would also mean war between the worlds presumably while the brothers are still recovering from THEIRS#you cannot give me that choice man. not even sure that the human world would be ABLE to win that fight if we're being real#solomon's 72 pacts are a lot yes but he's still only one guy who is NOT on good terms with the sorcerer's society#and mc is powerful but so so inexperienced. and that's IF they choose to side with the human world which#really i don't think the canon mc is likely to do. but anyway i guess solomon's friend could also be adam maybe?#that could be wishful thinking because i like adam though. even if his hair SUUUCKS#deeply offended by everyone thinking solomon got the fucked up hair when all signs point to adam be NICE TO HIM he's ugly already
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thebigqueer · 18 days
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2 years ago i fucked up a friendship w a girl (that im pretty sure i was in love with). to this day i think of her and sometimes when i see her on the street i just wanna cry. i understand your plight very much.
yeahhh man im sorry to hear that!!! it genuinely fucking sucks and i would never wish this upon anyone. cuz like it makes you fully think about all the what ifs and i genuilnely dont think ill ever find someone like her again
#im not trying to sound dramatic im being so serious she was so fucking perfect for me#i geuss the difference is shes the one who broke up w me and i know i didnt do anything wrong#neither of us did#its just like fuck!!! you know?? like we could have been so much#serious relationships dont need to be longterm to be serious you know???#one of these days im going to get tipsy and then 'drunk' text her even though i fiully intend to text her#and then claim i was just drunk because im notl ying im just not telling the full truth#like i fully considered it last night but i knew it would be a bad idea and i know if i do it its just gonna fuck things up more#but im soooo tempted man#like i dont know what itll even do#i know inside my goal is to maybe convince her that its not our time to end but i know in reality#its just gonna make her feel guilty and push her away even more if i show her how much ic are abou ther#i just seriously wish i understood why she even did it#i also thought being back on campus would help and i mean it has for sure becuase ive had my friends to distract me#but the thing is im not enjoying anything. like im not being distracted im just being numbed ykwim#cuz the moment i leave my friends all i do is think about her#and even when im WITH my friends ill be in the moment w them and then 2 minutes later ill start zoning out thinking about her#like the worst part about this is i dont have any anger *against* her#maybe im angry about like the general situation but the anger isnt against her#and while being angry is its own kind of pain in a way it can be easier cuz at least then youre tempted to have a good time and show off#but when its like this where youre just sad at the situation like what am i actually gonna do except think about her#sorry anon im not trying to dump on you i just start ranting in the tags sometimes#sunny rambles#anon tag#asks
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weezerlvr228 · 19 days
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flippin boobahs!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#scott shriner#OKAH HI CHAT#i’ve been thinking#this tag will be just a rant not really weezer related#yk laufey ?#i was listening to her song ‘letter to my 13 year old self’ and just started overthinking about myself when i was younger#i just think about my younger self and get so sad thinking about her; i wish i could’ve done more for her#i was a huge introvert and talking to anybody made me super super anxious; so much so that my teacher noticed and had me join a ‘social#emotional learning’ group where we spoke about low self esteem and how to raise it and everything like that#i only left it in 8th grade because i didn’t wanna keep missing class for it; but it made me so sad to think i thought so low of myself#i would wear hoodies all the time and jeans because i used to hate my body a lot#which is awful to do in socal heat!#i think it started because in my family i was always stereotyped as the fat one; yk how mexican families are? they called me gordita for#the longest time; which made me incredibly insecure and only in 10th grade did i start showing my arms 😭 IK ITS DUMB BUT ITS SO WEIRD#i still can’t do it entirely; i’ll wear shrugs and things like that because i still am insecure about my arms sometimes but ive been better#i only really had one friend but she had a different lunch; so i was alone for most of the time on the swings by myself or sitting at the#lunch tables alone waiting for lunch to end and this noon duty came to me a lot and would talk to me since she felt bad i was always alone#while everybody else played with each other ; and i don’t know why i just broke down thinking about how lonely i was at the time#i’d go to the school’s friendship room everyday after that because it was just a teacher who let kids come inside her room to play games if#they didn’t wanna be in the heat and soon i became friends w the teacher and she’d play uno with me everyday; mainly because the room was#relatively empty until they got loom bands! and i was an expert on loom bracelets so i would help others make them and that was a confidenc#e boost; i remember being proud of myself for socializing like that LOL#i just get sad thinking about that time; i like to think that if little Lyss saw me; she would be so proud because i have friends;#a boyfriend ; good grades ; and i’m well liked and regarded. i hope she’s proud of my progress socially because it was such a leap#i wish i could go back in time and tell her how much better things get and how she won’t be lonely forever#…and to not online date. definetly don’t do that one.
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yoshistory · 8 months
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the perspective of looking at new jersey apartments again makes me glad im living where im at now, honestly ... ^^ ''
#i SO wish i could hop over there though ... the price of living is SOOO high and the pay doesnt match even a little#its bad everywhere .. but new jersey's got a special kind of sickness like that because of its nyc proximity#everyone lives there and commutes to the city like 1.5hrs away for the better pay . but i just lived there lol#i feel like compared to here everything in jersey's tinged an ''old'' way ..#i dont know how to describe it but EVERYTHING from the stores to the apartments has a ''grandma's house'' feel#a ''hasn't been updated in 40+ years'' feel#and austin's so new and booming. apparently. but i agree it doesnt have that old tinge to it#the apartment im living in isnt new. but it isnt old either. it doesnt have the feel to it#i thought it was just nostalgia speaking but looking at nj apartments today was like. oh wow. its nice to know im not going crazy#this same apartment in nj would be SO SO SO much more expensive. people here complain about prices (they SHOULD. its bad)#but looking at where i was and why i HAD to move elsewhere .. i remember now yknow. this place is a luxury i could never have had in nj#which doesnt mean its good. its sad. i wish things were different. i DO .. sort of .. wish i never moved out here to begin with#but im glad im here. i feel like ... you know when a hero goes on a quest and makes friends along the way and then .. doesnt return home ..#even though the quest was supposed to be a transitory period .. yknow .. maybe im just home now#atleast awhile longer. im happy calling here home awhile longer#i do kinda miss that old tinge to it. i always said everything in nj was like .. ''tinged yellow '' .. and it really is. yknow.#i just need to put some antiques and lighting into my apartment. lol. feels just like home
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476b · 10 months
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#ooouuuugghhhhhhh ive spend the last hour making myself sad :(#whyd i have to go catch feelings for someone who Could Not Give A Shit lol#its a blessing that im moving or i would probably just slowly kill myself for the next year#watching him Very Obviously like someone more than me lol#worst part is everyone knows im just some sadsack sidepiece#and like we were never 'together' so idk wtf im upset about!!!#i could go out and do just as much as he does!!!#but i guess i just wish it had been different and that i had gotten closer w everyone else before i had to leave :(#because now i really feel like i could have been spending way more time w everyone if i had stopped waiting for him to invite me to things#he never invited me to shit anyways!! i was ALWAYS the one to ask 'hey are you free sometime'#EVERY SINGLE TIME#killing him with hammers in my mind#i deserve so much better and i KNOW that but hes hot and smart and has such cool friends#and i just really wanted to be part of that group so badly#and i dont have any relationship expirience i dont know how all of this is supposed to Work i just#i dont know i guess i thought it would be different#anyways im seeing him again tomorrow for what might be the last time#and i wont tell him any of the things i should bc ill see his stupid beautiful face and forget everything i wanted to say#you know this mother fucker wont even help me move? more than an entire year together and he flat out says no to helping me#and i know for a Fact he'll never come visit me#and ill probably drive my stupid little ass down two+ hours just to see him#you know hes got at least two guys willing to drive hours just for him#i need to meet this other guy so we can unionize#cus i guarenteeeee hes probably treating this guy not much better than me#and i say probably the last time bc now itll be reliant on him actually making a fucking effort to see me lol#or itll just be at shows and stuff#not like itll make a big difference cus we onky saw each other once or twice a month ANYWAYS#actually makes me so angry why did i spend so much mental energy on this guy#ILL FIND SOMEONE IN ALBANY WHO ACTUALLY FUCKING LIKES ME JUST YOU GUYS WAIT#btw if i know you irl... ignore this... its shameful...
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girl-bateman · 10 months
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Crazy how many kids grow up afraid that someone else will find out abt their parents substance abuse issues when it is something that literally affects 1 in 8 families.
Crazy how many kids grow up feeling lonely and misunderstood while there are likely several other kids in their class going through the same thing.
Crazy how many kids grow up isolating themselves and lying to others for the protection and comfort of parents whose job it should be to protect them.
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lakemichigans · 1 year
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got way more drunk than i meant to 😐 how is it possible to be 24 and still not know my limits
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meringuejellyfish · 2 years
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gosh the ambience for big run is just so neat and silly to me :-) im a sucker for distorted music and hearing this mangled version of a c-side song while big runnnig and that sound that plays during the big run news announcement thats like a blend between a scream and a guitar riff and that the sky is RED although my sibling is going insane because they cant get it out of their head that the big run news song sounds like a miitopia song
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pennyserenade · 2 years
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i read that autobiography cary grant did for himself in 1963, and this part has haunted me since i read it three or so days ago:
I dreaded the bustle of packing backstage that last night, as I have at the finish of every show or film I’ve been associated with ever since. I am always content to stay doing what I’m doing wherever I’m doing it; only circumstances seem to propel me on. I seldom leave anyone or anyplace of my own conscious volition. When the meal or party or association is over, and the people or person close to me are no longer there, I seem unwishing to move; without urge to change the situation, even though it could be for the better. Perhaps death is like that. Perhaps it is better on the other side of death; but I’m in no hurry to get there to prove it.
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