#rsd is literally the Worst

[queencvbra]

One thing I need to bring up about Tory and her ADHD is that one of the biggest symptoms she has (outside of the "basic" symptoms like hyperactivity, attention issues, etc.) is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I feel like it plays into her Intermittent Explosive Disorder getting triggered because a lot of the explosive episodes she has stem from feelings of rejection, whether that's on a personal or societal level. It's why she's so sensitive to what people say to her and tends to take things the wrong way, she just preemptively expects the worst from most people and expects people to dislike her even if they don't necessarily have a reason to.

Her default state is so combative and overly sensitive because it's a defense mechanism. No one can shock you with rejection or disappointment if you stay ready for it, or if you treat people like they've already done something to wrong you. And those times when she is caught off guard and genuinely gets her feelings hurt, even if it's over something stupid or her misinterpreting something? That's usually what triggers her. That's what leads to her overreacting. She's been through a lot over the years that's hurt her in ways she can't explain, and yet she still can't process it. For so long her only ways to cope were to either shut down or blow up. She's getting better about it, she has new ways to deal with things and a support system now, but it's all still new to her and she's not perfect about how she deals with those feelings.

[starberry-skies]

making silly little mogai headcanons for my silly little fictional characters and living life to the fullest: an autobiography by me

[berrymeter]

fucking revolutionary to have people show they care about you. people telling me i can contact them if i need to. people giving me reassurance without me having to ask for it. people telling me i should treat myself to something nice when i feel like this. people messaging me in times where i’m clearly distressed to help me calm down & reason me. this is insane everyone should try it

[grimandghoulish]

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[gotholdladywithadhd]

Unpopular opinion, probably.

So I've read many metas, and thought a lot about it and have come to my own personal conclusion about the final 15.

I'm taking it at face value.

Because it was the most human Crowley and Aziraphale have probably ever been and I think that is at least part of the point. Love makes people stupid and they are navigating a very human thing in very unhuman circumstances, and it's hard enough to do as a human in human circumstances!

I think Aziraphale believed the Metatron about Crowley bc he was expecting the worst when TM mentioned Crowley but instead got the one thing he wanted most (him and Crowley together and safe, not Crowley being an angel. ) Crowley was absolutely the carrot here. (and no I do not think Crowley would have been safe or happy, but that's besides the point.) I can't tell you how many times I've believed patently ridiculous things because I wanted to believe them so badly even though if I was looking at the same situation objectively from an outside POV I would see how ridiculous it was, so I totally get it. This isn't to say I think Azi had a real choice to go to Heaven or not and I think he did understand that as well, but I get the temptation the Metatron threw out to him, I really do.

As for Aziraphale literally saying all the wrong things to try and get Crowley to come with him? Um yeah been there done that too, the nerves take over, the brain shuts off, the mouth goes into autopilot pulling stuff out its ass, and "WITAF did I just say?" happens.

Crowley not taking any of it well and only hearing what he expected to hear (I'm not good enough for you bc I'm a demon and you only really want me if I can be an angel) *and* also being more able to see through heavens bullshit bc he has lived it, and can see it from the outside, *and* all whilst being the most honest and vulnerable he has ever been with Aziraphale in 6,000 plus years (or in fact possibly to anyone, ever. the closest before this admitting he was lonely to Azi during the Job minisode,) *then* hearing what he took to be the same Heaven will save us line from Azi was enough to trigger a massive bout of RSD and a broken heart. Everything was supposed to "vavoom and sorted! " and instead the stupid awning broke and everything went wrong. I think I've said it before that at this point Crowley can't hear anything over the sound of his heart breaking into a million pieces.

That's a whole lot to pack into the brief moments before Azi has to leave with the Metatron (who let's be honest was rushing him before he could change his mind) esp when neither of them are used to discussing their relationship openly. They didn't have time to think, to ask questions, to share information, (like hey guess what really happened to Gabriel?) Crowley tried to communicate as much as he could about his feelings with the kiss but Azi didn't have the time to properly process all that and said the wrong thing again and Crowley was rejected (he thought) again and it all just went so very wrong. You can't fix a 6,000 year relationship in 15 minutes, you just can't no matter what the story books say.

It's about two people wanting the same thing but not being able to get it (yet) because of circumstances and personalities. All of S2 was about them seeming to be closer than ever (and in many ways they were) but really they were opposed at almost every turn. (in RL not the minisodes, those actually showed them working together and coming out okay mostly, if you don't count wee Morag or Crowley getting dragged to hell) The way they both handled the Gabriel situation, how they both worked to solve the mystery, even how they tried to make Nina and Maggie fall in love were all either done alone, or in opposite ways. I've said it before and I'll say it again, as it was pointed out right in ep1, their exactlies aren't the same and until they are, they aren't going to be able to be together. The one time they did work together in the season, they produced a 25 lazuri miracle. That is the point of the final 15, and the whole season 2 in my opinion.

They'll get there in the end though!

[bigmammallama5]

For me, one of the worst aspects of ADHD is memory issues. I find it interfers so much more than executive disfunction, as I can at least force my brain to work under the right circumstances.

I can't do that with my memory

My memory is definitely the worst symptom of my ADHD (other than probably RSD and some other things but I gotta find a therapist for that lol), and I envy other people with ADHD who don't struggle with that aspect as much as I do. And for those who may not have ADHD, let me try to explain what I deal with because I do wish it was a funny thing but most often it's not lol.

It's not just that I forget where I put my phone down, it's I forget why I enter I a room and literally have to walk back my steps to find it despite there only being three places in my small apartment it would be. It's telling myself three times to take something with me to the clay studio to show another student and I forget 3 weeks in a row despite having it right next to the front door. It's my family telling me something important and I just don't retain it, and then they stop telling me things (this has improved again now that I'm on medicine, but I was the last person to find out a lot of things the past few years bc they wouldn't tell me bc I wouldn't remember, which hurts). It's my mind wiping blank in the middle of a sentence when I hit a certain word which results in varying degrees of embarrassment and understanding depending on who I'm talking to. It's my eye skipping over a spelling error no matter how many times I know it's there and I need to change it, I just forget (there are a lot of stupid errors in all my fics because of this, maybe one day i'll get to fixing them). It's learning someone's name correctly taking weeks to stick, and then somehow flipping the spelling because I know other people with that name spelled differently and I remember that spelling as "correct" (I'm glad we have name tags on our clay cubbies in the studio, it's saved me some embarrassing encounters, which was something I had to train myself into doing). It's being able to recall what someone said to me word for word six years ago but I can't remember what my mother told me three days ago. It's remembering a multitude of old vines verbatim, but I couldn't tell you what important news story I watched last night.

It's being able to sit down and talk to you guys clearly and thoughtfully like the intelligent person I can be, and then having my knees taken out from under me in real conversation because my mind just wipes blank. But yeah, I can at least work through my executive disfunction too with the right prodding lol.

[sage-nebula]

I had my first therapy appointment in years today, and it was with my og therapist who I thought either ghosted me or died (turns out neither was true). It was so, so good to talk to her again and I'm looking forward to working on the stack of issues I have. But one goal I mentioned was I want to learn how to someday be content with the fact that there is something inherent about me that, while at first people might like me, inevitably people end up seeing me as annoying / hostile / aggressive / bad-tempered / awful / a monster even when I am calm emotionally and decide (within their rights) that they don't want to be around me anymore and the friendship ends. Like clearly there is something wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it when it happens even when I feel that we're having a normal conversation, and it has happened enough times with enough people that clearly I'M the problem, so I'd just like to be able to accept and be content with being a monster instead of crying over it all the time.

She nodded and wrote it down but thinking on it now I do wonder if she really accepted "being okay with being a monster" as a goal. She also said "what I'm hearing is abandonment issues" which, okay, fair. I always thought it was RSD but she is the professional.

Anyway this is further down the road stuff. There's other stuff we have to work on first. (e.g. I couldn't protect my dog from abuse when I was an abused child myself and I have been carrying that guilt and punishing myself for it for over 20 years and I'm finally at a place where I think I need to learn how to stop self-flagellating for my perceived childhood failures. And if you're like "why only now" well that's because even as recently as two weeks ago I felt I deserved the guilt and pain, and even now it's like 75 / 25, but we move.)

Anyway! I am going to try really hard and work on things with her. I want to feel better, I want to heal, and most importantly, I want to stop crying all the time because crying fucking sucks. Literally one of the worst bodily functions. Why can't I just turn on my eyes like faucets, let the tears pour out, and then turn the eyes off when empty? Why do I have to deal with all the congestion and snot and swollen face and headache? Once again the human body is an inefficient mess. Smh.

anyway. therapy good. post over.

[avelera]

Last point on the whole "If Hob has ADHD, he might also suffer from rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) and if he does, here's a few moments in the show that might lend to that interpretation," headcanon I've been batting around but I did laugh at myself to realize that not once, but t w i c e in Giving Sanctuary that I thought were just me writing normal, if passionate, reactions to events by both Hob and Dream and only in retrospect realize are actually textbook cases of RSD.

The first one is in ch. 11 and it's actually Dream who has it. He and Hob are discussing Dream's past relationship with Calliope and how Orpheus was conceived and Hob trips over his words a bit. He accidentally implies that only an idiot would want to marry Dream, when really he was saying the opposite. But Dream, already in a sensitive place because they're about to visit his son's grave, leaps to the worst possible conclusion, which is rejection by the man he's starting to crush on hard, and flips the fuck out, stalking off and threatening to abandon Hob on that beach in a fit of, well, rejection-sensitive dysphoria.

I literally wrote it that his perceived rejection by Hob hits Dream so hard right in the chest that it feels like he's been stabbed. He's starting to fall in love and when discussing his past love life with the person he's in love with, he hears that he's totally unlovable on this topic he's very sensitive about. Dream's flip-out might be informed by my own experiences with RSD, but it is also informed by his reaction in 1889 to Hob suggesting Dream has changed and that he's lonely.

It's interesting to note, that in the 1889 beat of the canon episode, Dream views someone suggesting he's lonely as if it were rejection and reacts like someone with ADHD/RSD. Any attempt to help him at all is treated as a sign of his own failure and he reacts with incredibly powerful emotion. When Hob offers sympathy, Dream only hears weakness in canon.

(It should be noted that Hob also has a panic attack in the face of Dream's-rejection-based-on-Hob's-perceived-rejection which also matches RSD.)

The second time I accidentally depicted RSD is in ch. 16, after Hob awakens and thinks he's "disrespected" Dream in his sleep. In truth, the evidence of their love making is because they actually made love, but Hob doesn't know that or have any reason to understand that Dream was really there in Hob's actual dream of him.

Dream doesn't reject Hob here but he doesn't have to. Hob has the full "knife in the chest" moment of terror that he will be caught that he will be found out for having sexual thoughts about his friend and for being in love with him before he could bring up the possibility of a romantic relationship between them under more cautious, dignified terms.

Perceiving Dream's rejection as inevitable, because Hob is so disgusted at himself for what he believes is a loss of control in his sleep, Hob fully freaks out and very nearly has a panic attack. Dream, seeing only that their lovemaking ended with Hob's full unmitigated freakout, is also left with a sense of rejection but in this case he also thinks it's his fault and he took Hob's interest in his dreams as far too literal and may have possibly forced himself upon Hob in that light. So they both feel sick and awful about it pretty much until they reunite, another ADHD/RSD reaction.

Anyway! I am laughing at myself a bit for thinking I was writing anything remotely adjacent to neurotypical reaction. Some what I assume to be neurotypical readers even commented that their sense of rejection seemed disproportionate and I scoffed because uh, isn't that just what rejection or perceived rejection feels like?

Yeah. It does. If you have ADHD/RSD.

[kakujis]

i did so much thinking yesterday, well more like rambling, when i was w my bf and i straight up told him why i act the way i act and why i bank so hard and deflate in friendships where i feel like theyre just tolerating me.. and it was bc ive always needed someone or something to hold onto and if i wasnt good enough then theyd leave me and that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. so i lied sometimes and tried to make myself as appealing as possible while always tolerating things i disliked.

i dont mind being vulnerable on main. i like having deeper friendships but i also have so much social anxiety and im so scared of saying the wrong thing that i almost always never reach out lol. another point i wanna touch on is interacting on here, im sorry if i dont really interact much on my end its literally just my own fear of rejection(rsd yess) even if we’re established friends. id never want anyone to feel pressured to like or interact/talk w me for this very reason.

i think i’ll always be in this limbo of wanting to be accepted but never wanting to force that on anyone. also does anyone else ever feel like their interacts could make the other feel like its transactional? like okay, we talked, now like all my posts LMFAOOO. i think loads of friendships are (possibly) like this and its always like “what can u get out of it” but i hate hate hate that mentality… i just wanna be friends and laugh about the things we like and maybe we can vent about things and even get into disagreements but still repair at the end of it all.

and maybe thats why i love platonic love so much, even more than romantic love ? maybe thats why i love this idea of yearning and being yearned for?

idk, i’m not a therapist and this is just a writing blog and i am just rambling but yeah.

[neuroviolentgraves]

I think one of the worst symptoms of any of our disorders is rsd 8ecause it's so fucking awful it's literally caused dormancies etc 😭

[scorpiolight-ships]

PLEASE tell us more about AdriMike 🙏🙏🙏

WHAUSHAHH!!!!! OTAY!!!

I don’t really know how to talk about stuff without being asked specific questions but I’ll give it my best shot!!!!!

So in my lore? I guess is the word? Mike and my S/I met during the FNAF 3 era (technically a little while before FNAF 3 starts, but while he’s working at Fazbear’s Fright). We’re coworkers, he’s the security guard while I’m a set designer (though I kinda do a little bit of everything because the manager (phone dude) is a cheapskate and knows he can just make me do it)

But also this takes place after SL, so he’s been scooped and is trying his best to avoid people and live in the shadows. The only reason he works here is because he’s trying to track down his dad.

So it kinda takes a while for us to meet, since we’re both the avoiding-people type. But eventually the manager has me install some stuff in his office (probably the manual reboot panel, since it’s likely there have been a lot of problems in the building that would require that) and we finally meet. I get a crush on him, like, immediately, and he’s kinda. hdhsh. Interested in me I guess? And he’s only supposed to work the nightshift but he starts spending more time at the attraction. He tells himself it’s to do more digging on where his dad might be, and in part it is, but also he just wants to spend more time with me (😳)

So that goes on like that for a while, but the more he starts to develop feelings the more he starts to panic, because he feels like he destroys everything he touches and if he gets too close to me he’ll ruin me and get me hurt, not to mention he feels like he doesn’t deserve good things. So he starts giving me the cold shoulder, which leaves me super confused because I thought we were growing to be friends.

So I go and try and ask him what’s going on, and he ends up lashing out, trying to scare me away. I just kinda freeze, leaving him to storm out pushing past the manager, who thinks he’s gonna quit.

The next day is Night 1 of FNAF 3.

The day after that, I get called out to investigate a lead the manager found, leading me to unearth the old Springbonnie animatronic from the old abandoned Fredbear’s Diner. Not knowing what’s inside, I bring it back to Fazbear’s Fright.

While looking it over in a supply closet, Michael spots me with the animatronic, and completely panics. He knows almost instantly who’s inside, and knows that if he finds out how Michael feels about me, he’ll kill me for sure. He needs to think of a way to get me out of the building, and fast, so he ends up yelling at me, telling me he doesn’t want me around him.

It works to get me to leave the area, but not the building, as my RSD is flaring up, and finding out that someone I thought liked me actually hates me is literally my worst fear, so I break down crying by the front door. And of course, Springtrap’s not stupid, he can see through his son’s ruse, so he makes a beeline straight for me.

Michael sees Springtrap attack me on the cameras, and freaks out, drawing him away with the audio lures before running to come get me. He brings me back to the security office, and we spend a very tense and stressful six hours together.

At 6AM, Springtrap stops moving, and Mike’s been through this song and dance twice before, so he knows it’s safe to leave, and offers to drive me home. Confused, injured and still a bit scared, I agree.

He offers to give me first aid once we get to my apartment, and again, I agree, but I make him explain what the hell’s going on while he does so. Reluctantly, he does, and admits why he said he hated me, and that he’s actually in love with me.

Uguvuhhh yeah there’s some more after that obvi buts that’s the more set in stone stuff I have so far. Sorry it was kinda angsty lmao

[boundless-n-bare]

audhd confessions - my own worst enemy

being active in this community as a neurodivergent individual (audhd) can be very challenging in unexpected ways. for me the hardest thing to deal with is the rsd - rejection sensitive dysphoria. i have this BAD. this doesn't strictly pertain to real or perceived rejection from individuals in the community although that can be part of it, but more broadly its like a very intense and painful feeling of fomo. having to miss NEST this year was a huge trigger for me - no one rejected me, but i still felt rejection because i couldn't be there. my brain told me i wasn't allowed. that no-one wanted me there anyway and i wouldn't be missed.

its also very hard seeing other members of the community being active and fulfilling their desires in a way i wish i could but very deeply feel and have been telling myself for years that i can't. this one honestly kills me, like it can be super debilitating to the point that it legit keeps me away from interacting in these spaces which i hate. its a huge reason ive been so distant - it sucks majorly feeling as though you're surrounded by people who have it all figured out, or at least seem to, while you feel lowly, alienated, and incapable.

for me, rsd is this ever present voice screaming "you're not allowed." woah see this community member posting about the really awesome session they had with this other community member? you'll never have that. they flew halfway across the country for that session, you're broke and will never be able to do that. they have social skills and you're a socially inept loser who no one wants to talk to. "they" are allowed to have those experiences, "they" are normal. but you are not allowed. you can be a spectator, at best. you get to yearn

the truly fucked thing is that i have had those experiences! i have been to NEST! i have traveled long-ish distances for sessions! i have had the good fortune of having multiple tickling experiences while many in this community may struggle to cement even one. yet i still look at myself and my experiences in this completely ass-backwards light that tells me that they are nothing special, its everyone else who is out there living the absolute dream and nothing i achieve will ever live up to what they're doing - it can't, it simply isn't possible because you are not allowed!

this shit has paralyzed me for far too long. it makes me not even want to look at tumblr, or reddit, or anywhere i might come across that sort of content because what if i see another post like that and then i get sad? then i suddenly have to wrestle with these feelings of inadequacy and isolation and who needs that? its easier just to ignore it all entirely... right?

well, no, because tickling is my passion and if i ignore it completely, to the point of not even letting myself engage with the community, then im depriving myself of not only the community and any potential support network therein but literally the pursuit of the one thing in life that bares any semblance of importance to me at all! when i tell you nothing else matters to me, when i tell you there is nothing in my life that drives me forward the way tickling does i am not fucking exaggerating - if i have learned anything over the pandemic and throughout the years that followed up until now it is that i forget who the fuck i am if i sever myself from my desires for too long. i'll put it all on the back burner and then wonder why im so miserable all the time. then i'll eventually come back, start getting into the hang of being active, then the asd starts surfacing, then i experience some sort of meltdown, then isolate for a few more months, then dip my toes back in and start the cycle all over.

i honestly dont know the best way to combat this but my plan is basically to kill this ideology with persistence - from now on i won't back down and dip out when im confronted with these feelings but rather i will challenge them and keep doing what im doing anyway. i will tell myself that with patience and persistence i can do any damn thing i want, and it might not happen immediately but sooner rather than later i will prevail and i will be content with my place here.

i intend to seriously challenge any assertion by my brain that im not good enough, moneyed enough, social enough, likeable enough, etc. to participate in this community. sure, there might be very real barriers to what i can and can't do compared to others but even still there's ultimately nothing i can't do! i have even told myself for the longest time that i could never be any sort of content creator... yeah, well guess what? im challenging that shit because the very act of my brain telling me i can't do it signifies that its obviously something i want to do, therefor i should! i've deterred myself from buying toys, bondage equipment, etc. because "you're not even active! you don't even talk to people! you're so socially awkward you'd spend all the money and never use it!"

fuck you, brain! the only thing truly getting in my way is you! im not making excuses to minimize myself anymore. im going to do the thing! the fuck is even the point of living if all you're going to do is keep yourself from the shit you want? its beyond fucking stupid

i doubt its going to be easy. i doubt that i won't slip up. but persistence means getting back up and doing it anyway when even when i feel like giving up, and hiding from or not interacting with the community is a sure-fire way to get absolutely nothing from it at all

[rabbitmotifs]

rsd is literally thee worst disease in the world my stupid idiot brain is actively working against me

[wholesome-cryptid]

when we haven't even seen gameplay footage yet and people are already complaining or assuming the worst, tired sigh. and like jhoto and unova are my favorite regions of all time, so i get being a bit disappointed we didn't get any news about them! but PLZA looks super interesting!!! and i'm very curious to see where they go with the concept especially because i enjoyed PLA so much!! i just wish i could exist in this fandom for 5 minutes literally anywhere without people complaining about every tiny thing it sets my RSD off so bad for even just liking whatever they're hating on. and i'm not even a suck up to modern pokemon company, i 100% have my criticisms about how they rush things! but sometimes this fandom makes me feel like a bad person for simply enjoying any pokemon game post gen 5 that isn't PLA. i wish there was just a tag or something i could filter out to avoid all this that would assist tenfold, but alas unfortunately not.

[rabid-catboy]

In terms of like. Symptoms I experience. Obviously delusions, paranoia, and a general utter lack of joy or happiness despite having so many things that normally make me happy. All majorly suck. But rejection sensitive dysphoria is probably the worst? Other than the lack of happiness that one kinda literally makes me miserable most of the time. But ignoring that. RSD sucks so much and I never see anyone talk about it

[primeministerofantarctica]

rsd is wild cuz it'll have you be like "why does this person i have literally never talked to not talk to me. do they hate me. am i annoying. am i the worst(tm) person on earth."