#rouge what are you shaving rouge?

[littlemoondarlingarts]

~please click for better quality~

Day 3 Ritual from @oc-tober2023 ft. Rouge (above) and his child, Fran Rouge (below)

Papa always used to say that to have a good day, you have to have good skin, and to have good skin, you have to spend at least 1 hour when you wake up and 1 hour before bed taking care of it! He used much longer words tho, anyway my days are not always good even though I follow this ritual religiously, but I'm way too into it to stop now.

~ Fran Rouge

[sportsthoughts]

I am sick of Yohe's misery and spent five minutes thinking I wish I had ten nice things to read this morning before realising I could write them myself:

Jarry - who, let's not pretend otherwise, is not my favourite goalie in the NHL - was fantastic at lots of points especially at the start of the game (let's not talk about the bit where he wandered off at the end, we've all gone rouge at the end of a night out haven't we, let's not be judgemental). Do I know what makes a goalie fantastic? Not really. But he made lots of saves and there were many points where I thought we were done for but he came through. He really really tried and God loves a trier and it's also really nice that Ned got a bit of a break. Being a goalie for a special team like ours must be tiring

Nostril boy scored a great goal which is an enormous feat considering he was skating on a line with a Drew O'Connor who's shaved head looks so bad it would frankly throw anyone off their game. I wonder if Sid will now declare the baldness unlucky and send him to Geno's hair man

On that point - Doc admitted that his hair looks terrible - which, yes, I know that isn't exactly a win from a hockey perspective but it's a man showing self awareness which is a rare win for humanity and not to be overlooked. I think Yohe could actually really spice up his journalism by writing a piece on our hair to win ratio

Sid's assist on Raks' goal was gorgeous. Gorgeous!! It wasn't goal 600 but it was a point and a beautiful one AND we got to see him smile

Our powerplay wasn't horrific. Our PK wasn't horrific. At points they looked good! I didn't feel sick watching either and the dash managed to stay mostly sane!

All our young guys were pretty good! And hey!! We have young guys!! Young guys playing on our team!! Let us not be ungrateful for what we have. Do I squint at their numbers on my grainy livestream and say who is that? What line is that? Where did you come from? Yes, but change is sometimes good and they lower our average age by like ten years

Geno showed so much energy towards the end of the game. I know he didn't do much but my gosh he really tried! He clearly had the legs. I don't like to dwell on it but at some points last season he just looked slow and tired not quite there and last night he looked hungry for it! He's been so great this season. I could make a point about the motivational powers of the stache here but i'm not Rossi so i'll leave the RPF to those better qualified

Also, Geno's line started the game! We rarely get to see him being broody on the ice during the anthems so that was a lovely treat.

For my fellow stachefuckers, the sidstache (and rustache and others) are all going strong. How long will they survive? I'm not sure. But we've made it 20 days with our beautiful slugs intact and that's so much better than last year. We have so many pictures! So many gifs. So many clips of the stache being discussed! Movember 2024 has not disappointed

Finally, it was a Hockey Fights Cancer night! There were some lovely stories and it was so moving to see survivors celebrating at the game. I think this is where Sid would say something nice about hockey being more than a game and having the power to unite people and include them in a community and give hope and inspire and and and. So insert that here. I think he's right.

[max-nico]

Sonic has been called an "overprotective big brother" over the years many times. Not his fault that Tails is small, impressionable, and reckless. He's known the kid since he was a toddler, if anyone else had been around that long they would understand too.

Or at least he thought they would, but it seems he was wrong because his own two best friends–Amy and Knuckles–are the ones who call him overprotective the most. This is a huge betrayal on their part, especially when they bring up valid points like Tails' intelligence and skill, because how could he disagree. Sonic has the coolest, most awesome and amazing, little brother ever. 

With that being said, Sonic is pretty sure he has the right to interrogate the little fox this time. He's like 90% sure his panic is warranted when he sees his little brother load and cock a very real and deadly gun. Because that kid is 9. He is 9, and he is putting on his watch and his plane gear to leave, and for some reason he needs a weapon wherever he's going. Sonic thinks he has a right to exercise at least a little big brother privilege here, honestly it would be negligent to not at least question him. 

"Hey bud. Whatcha up to?"

Tails' ear flicks toward him as he packs a few things into the Tornado. "You remember that hard drive that GUN thought they stole from me, but I actually knew they wanted it so I lowered a few of my defense systems so that they could grab it and leave me alone?"

The answer is no, Sonic has no recollection of that happening at all. Though he supposes it's his own fault for only half listening when Tails was talking. He's really gotta break that habit.

"Sure do." Sonic lies.

"Well, I actually have a little bit of data on there that I forgot to back up to another hard drive since I didn't think I needed it, so I'm going to go get it."

"And you need a weapon for that? Why don't you just ask Shadow?"

Tails finally turns to face Sonic, floating down off the Tornado and in front of Sonic. He stands with his hands on his hips, leaning just a little into his personal space. He takes the chance to absentmindedly scratch behind his little brother's ears, making him push his head into his hand.

"I did, actually. He's the one who told me to bring some weapons, he said he wants to help me improve my stealth techniques."

"Huh, and he didn't even bother to text me about it." Sonic huffs. It comes out playfully, but he won't deny being a little peeved that Shadow didn't message him. Tails is a genius and can make his own decisions, sure, but he's also not even in double digits. Sonic is literally his guardian, he feels like he should've been consulted about this. "I find that quite rude."

Tails smacks Sonic with one of his tails. The fur gets trapped in the small quills on his face, which makes his brother giggle.

"Then how do you find that, hm?"

"I find that the person who did it has another thing coming."

Sonic is so gonna fill his pillows with quills and shaving cream again. The fox constantly complains about not being able to get his quills out of any furniture, but he also got his fur stuck on Sonic's face, he figures this is pretty good retribution.

"Sure I do."

This is what Sonic means. Where did his wholesome brother go? Ignoring the fact that he has been a little menace since they first met, this is obviously team Dark's fault. Their devious ways are corrupting his little brother, who has obviously only learned nice things from him, like dad jokes and spindashing.

Tails has been constantly hanging out with team Dark for a few months now. After spending time with Rouge on Amy's last birthday he seemed to acquire a sort of childish fascination with them. Honestly, Sonic didn't really see it as a bad thing at first. They got Tails to spend more time out of his lab, and they always seemed to take care of him so Sonic had no qualms as long as Tails was having fun.

Then the habits came. Habits that Sonic had managed to completely purge a couple years back. Sure, he's not building bombs willy nilly anymore (as far as he knows anyway), but a few weeks ago Tails showed him the Empire nuclear launch codes just because he could.

Just yesterday they were having a conversation about a grocery store in station square. Amy had apparently told him that the cashier was kind of rude, so he asked if she wanted him to "blow up the entire store". She laughed and said no thanks, but when Sonic just shook his head at him Tails had the audacity to say "he'll make sure there's no one in it", as if that was the problem with what he said.

Sonic will not claim to have clean hands. He will not say he's never killed anybody on purpose or on accident, but is it so much to want to spare his brother from the same fate? Sonic still has nightmares over things like that, and even if his little brother is joking, he just can't find it in himself to laugh.

It's obvious Sonic will have to talk to Shadow and Rouge soon, he would talk to Omega as well but the robot honestly just does whatever he wants. Sonic can respect it. He cannot, however, respect Shadow and Rouge teaching his kid brother bad stuff, like how to get away with murder and other things of the like.

"I'll be back before you know it, Sonic, I swear!"

It's obvious Sonic has just missed most of the one sided conversation Tails was just having with him, he zoned out again. Damn it.

"And I'll have my communicator on me so if anything goes wrong, you'll be the first to know! I'll stay safe, Shadow will be with me."

Tails says that as if it's any comfort to Sonic. He may trust Shadow with his life but he does not trust him with children. He's sure Tails will come out physically unscathed, but mentally? This is going to be a trainwreck.

Sonic sighs. He already knows he won't be able to convince him not to go, at least not in the small timeframe he has, so he just pulls the kid in for a hug instead. "Call me as soon as you're able, okay?"

"I will, promise!"

"And if you're not back and not answering in 24 hours, I'm coming to find you myself."

"Yes, Sonic." Tails says, pulling away.

"And I'll give Shadow a piece of my mind if I have to, you know I will."

"I'm leaving now."

"And so will Knuckles and Amy!"

"Goodbye!"

"Remember what I said about calling!"

"I can't hear you anymore!"

Sonic smiles as Tails starts his plane, the kid will be fine, he knows it. After all, he's sure Shadow and Rouge know the consequences if he's not.

woe, the brothers be upon ye I wrote this in like two sittings and its barely been edited, I'll probably put this on ao3 later after I've looked at it again lol. you're welcome to hit me up in my dms or askbox, but if it's a request I would prefer my ask box lol. Remember you have to be nice to me forever and ever and ever if you decide to talk to me btw

[generic-sonic-fan]

The post where I do vague cultural worldbuilding headcanons for Sonic characters??

Sonic and Knuckles are mountain man bros in the sense that they both grew up in the wild raised by animals. They dunk themselves in a river, call themselves clean, and then fistbump about it. They eat fruit right off bushes. Knuckles can find you a damn good tuber in a pinch and Sonic would be able to snatch you a worm if you really wanted it. Knuckles finds it difficult to pick up on mainstream cultural customs but Sonic's always found it easy now that he's older.

Tails and Amy, meanwhile, grew up in towns. These towns had a definite human influence, hence their possession of first and last names, but they still grew up in a Mobian in-group of sorts. They know proper fur/quill care, feel that it's gender non-conforming for a boy to wear clothes and a girl to go without them, and are adept at reading ear/tail gestures. Tails was never really one for any small-town slang but Amy still uses more rural phrasing even now that she lives in a larger city.

Rouge grew up in a large city, so she's more well-versed in cultures other than her own. She's adopted some human rituals because she thinks they're fun, like face masks and shaving some of her body fur. She loves exploring human cuisines because they're "exotic" to her while Mobian cuisine are comfort foods. She's fluent in several different kinds of slang along with the gestures/manners of the different cultures.

Shadow was raised by humans. His mannerisms are unmistakably human. From wearing human-sized shirts around the house, to having a taste for "human" comfort foods, to being completely unable to read ear/tail gestures in conversation, any Mobian is able to peg him as an outsider pretty quickly. While he's absolutely embraced proper quill care, Rouge had to first point out to him that he was doing it wrong- using human shampoo is not going to cut it, hun.

Omega is. . . weird. For the most part, he's predictably alien: what few social customs he's bothered to learn he has to have observed first. Rouge has been a helpful educator on the rare occasion he gives a shit, usually in regards to slang translation to add to his dictionary. He's almost more like Knuckles in the sense that he was isolated and now he's playing catchup. Sometimes, sometimes, though, the assumptions Omega makes will lean more towards human biases. Anyone who values their life knows not to ever point that out to him.

Metal Sonic reads like a robot imitating a human imitating a Mobian. Yes, he can imitate Sonic's gestures, but it's the movement in between that's uncanny. The physicality of his limbs. The weight of each step in his out-of-combat walk cycle. It screams "human". Most of his cultural knowledge, the little that he has, comes from observing Eggman's daily routine. But Eggman is just one human, and an isolated and eccentric one at that. Metal Sonic could recognize a refrigerator but not a washing machine, could recognize a plate and fork but not any other kitchen cookware. His knowledge is piecemeal. His imitations are incomplete. He was designed for combat, nothing more. His unconscious attempts to fill in the gaps are illogical, aren't they?

Silver is permanently locked into a culture called "survival mode". That's a joke, but only mostly. His behaviors more closely match that of someone growing up in extreme poverty. He can't stand to throw stuff away and he has a hypervigilance about danger that someone who grew up in a "bad neighborhood" would understand. Not to mention that any cultural values he has learned are a few hundred years out of date, so his guesses at any customs tend to be slightly off.

Blaze is from a different dimension, which basically reads as just a different culture than the one that's prominent where most of Sonic's friends reside! She actually gets a kick out of sharing her customs and comparing them to everyone else's. She's also from an extremely privileged walk of life, though, and it definitely shows no matter how much research she does to try and be less ignorant about how "normal" life works.

[tsunami-watch]

Outrunning Karma

Main Story: 1 

Summary: V meets Nathan, the beginning of our adventure. 

Ships: (Nathan Bateman x F!V!Reader) 

Word count: 1767

“This could be big for you, don’t fuck it up.” Rogue’s warning rang in V’s mind as she entered the conference room.

The room was monochromatic with minimalist decor, nothing really clueing her in to who this “Nathan Bateman” guy was. No personal effects or awards, just some plant that looked fake in the corner and a geometric table with two chairs. She scans the room, finding nothing of note, just a security panel and a thermostat. She shrugged and sat down in one of the chairs, tapping the table under her fingers. She had gotten from Rouge was that this guy was “Unlike any other corpo.” and that could mean anything. She sighs and leans back in her chair as she looks up at the paneled ceiling, after a brief moment of pretending to play tic-tac-toe with its gridded pattern she’s startled by a low voice.

“Anything interesting up there?” She jumps slightly and turns quickly in her seat about to curse out whoever scared her when she’s face to face with him. She’s surprised by  the man in front of her, not a scrap of visible chrome on him. She starts up her scanner for a habitual scan, but before she can even get a glance at the info, he vanishes from her field of view in the blink of an eye, a sudden gust of wind whipping across her face from the movement. “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Nathan’s voice comes from around the corner. 

V instinctively flexes, Mantis blades springing into action, she takes a defensive stance, anticipating the worst.

“Woah, chill honey. Not gonna hurt you.” Before she could even react, her blades retracted, plates shuffling and closing back to their inactive state.

“What the- How did…?” She felt significantly less chill. 

“So, can we talk or are we gonna keep this back and forth going for a while longer?” Nathan asks. 

“I’m happy to talk, I don’t know why you vanished in the first place.” She stands up straight again and leans on the table, Nathan comes back around the corner.

“Trust me, you don’t want to randomly scan me like that, just might end up another fried corpse in a trash heap if you’re not careful.” Nathan stands in front of her and relaxes slightly. “Now go ahead.” She raises an eyebrow but doesn’t ask anything further as she proceeds to scan him. As she's skimming over his NCPD file she's surprised to see his middle name vanish from the file in real time, glancing back at him it appeared he had been following along her reading. 

"Much better." He mutters

"Hamlet? Really?" She chuckles. 

"We don't talk about it." He crosses his arms with a sigh.

“Noted.” She looks around the room again, trying to figure out what to say next. “So, what's the deal? You’re definitely not like the other CEOs of megacorps, pretty sure most of them don’t even look the mercs who do their dirty work in the eye, much less invite them into their freakishly minimalist space.” Nathan laughs.

“I guess you could say I’m not like the others.” He walks past her and sits down in one of the chairs, gesturing for her to do the same. She sits down, her eyes still trained on him. Rogue wasn’t wrong, he was different from any other corpo she’d ever met, Ditching the expensive restricting suits for a soft waffle-knit white sweater and some dark slacks, his head shaved, and a full well groomed beard. After a longer examination she could tell he didn’t have any optic enhancements either, somehow wiring the typical display functions of cyberoptics to the silver wireframe glasses perched upon his nose, leaving his eyes a natural deep brown, which was almost unnerving, she was so used to the bright artificial colors and slight glow that most had, seeing pure natural eyes, she understood what all those old poets meant by the eyes being the windows to the soul. Nathan gives her a slight smirk, leaning forward in his seat with interest. “Not every day I meet someone who knows nothing about me.” 

“Sorry, don't mean to bruise your ego.” She says leaning back in her chair, keeping a comfortable distance between them. 

“No, No…I quite like it. You have no expectations, you aren’t expecting some genius bullshit that blows your mind. It’s nice, no performance, no need to please or meet some expectation of grandeur.” Nathan also takes the time to examine her more closely. Sure, she was here to do a job for him, but he couldn’t help but enjoy the view. It's not often someone who looks like that waltzes in, toned muscle and soft skin fading into the harsh telltale lines of combat cyberware, fire in her cybernetic eyes. He blinks lazily, taking a second to refocus. “Alright, the gig should be easy enough. I just need you to get something for me, and if necessary, zero the choom who has it.” She’s slightly taken aback in his casual choice of words but nods. 

“Okay, what exactly am I looking for?” She asks, her eyebrow raised slightly. 

 “Long story short, a Braindance. I got drunk at a party and a doll got a BD of a conversation I had, where I gave up some information I shouldn’t have. I can’t have that getting around, top secret shit.” She watches Nathan talk, as much as she was listening to the details of the gig she was amused by the way he talked with his hands, the expressions he makes, she couldn’t help but feel at ease with him, not something she had felt so easily with anyone in a while. Nathan had picked up on that feeling, her body language going from tense and on edge to seemingly relaxed. Her shoulders lowered, her head tilted to the side a bit, ankles crossed in front of her. She had let her guard down just a little bit, the corners of his lips turning up slightly in a smile. “It should be simple, get the BD, by whatever means necessary.”

“Seems easy enough, who am I looking for?” 

It was jarring to have information transferred without seeing the familiar blue flash from the optics of the transmitter. “Amethyst Bronte.” Her NCPD database file didn’t have anything notable to speak of besides a tie to The Mox, which was not unusual for a doll. 

“Sure it’s her? She seems remarkably…unremarkable in her records for an NC citizen.” V did another once over of the squeaky clean file. “Only offense was trespassing…to feed stray cats on private property. This upstanding citizen if NC’s ever known one, snagged a BD of you giving up classified info? Choom-”

Nathan quirked a brow at her, an amused smile tugging at his lips. Another tab appeared in V’s view, the ice blue backdrop and text looking oddly familiar, as she skimmed through the extensive file including images, video, and audio attached that did not seem like they were recorded with the subjects’ knowledge. This file painted a very different picture of Amethyst, a data broker who sold information to corps and gangs alike for the highest offer, the file even included insights into her personal life, broken family, little to no friends to speak of, just trying to keep a roof over her head and food on the table. “Thought you’d know better by now than to judge a BD by its title, choom.”

“Where- The fuck? How did you even get this much information? I know the place this was taken, there’s no cameras-” He silently stared, waiting patiently as realization dawned upon V. “No, no, they’re real? Those fucking, conspiracy theories about Tsunami?”

“Tsunami Watch.” He nodded, leaning back in his chair, expression only describable as with the pride and arrogance of a man who thought himself to be God. Maybe he wasn’t all that different from other corpos after all. “Anyways, you don’t have to worry about all that, just enjoy the extra deets.” Nathan waves dismissively, she doesn't know how to feel about the sharp contrasts of emotion he’s made her feel in the short timespan she’s known him. She shakes it off with a hesitant nod, she needs to focus on the job, get through this and get home. That's what matters. 

“Sounds good, I’ll keep in touch.” V says calmly as she stands up and gets ready to go.

“Oh and V, be careful. You never know who's watching.” 

~ 

It took over a day to track down this Amethyst character even with the additional deets provided, despite having her life in a neat file she posed more of a challenge than V initially expected. When V finally found her, it was in amongst the pounding beats and sweaty bodies of the most popular club in Night City, Riot. As she entered the establishment she was greeted by the familiar sound and sight of Johnny’s engram flickering into existence, leaning against one of the lobby’s brutalist concrete walls.

“You should try taking me somewhere this nice sometime V.” He snarked with his usual tone of arrogance-riddled sarcasm. V rolled her eyes and decided to ignore him, pushing past as he flickered out of view. She decided to observe Amethyst from afar, having spotted her bright purple streaked hair through the crowd, chatting with someone as she moved to the beat. Calculating her next move, V carefully moved to the bar flagging down the bartender, watching out of the corner of her eye as Amethyst approached the opposite end of the bar. Perfect timing. 

“A shot of house tequila, neat, and whatever she’s drinking.” She said tilting her head in the direction of the other woman. The bartender silently nods in acknowledgement, pouring and setting the drink in front of her with the flourish of practiced efficiency before turning to get Amethyst's order. V knocks back the shot, letting the familiar feeling of the burning amber liquid ignite upon her tongue as it slides down her throat. It was only a moment before Amethyst approached, holding her own drink of a dreamy pink and purple hue.

“Thank you for the drink Miss V, I think I have something you’re looking for.” She smiled as she slid what looked to be a metallic cigarette case across the table, motioning for V to open it. V cocks an eyebrow at her before cautiously popping the case open to find a datastick and a handwritten note, a mix of shock and irritation crossing her face as she reads the note.

“You passed. Congrats. -N”

~

Masterlist

Credit: @winniethewife @burymesanti

[99hook]

I would love an NSFW Alphabet:) hope this helps...

NSFW Alphabet template

A= Aftercare (what they’re like after the act)

B= Body part (favorite body part their own or their lovers)

C= Cum (anything that has to do with it)

D= Dirty secret (Pretty self explanatory)

E= Experience (do they know what they’re doing)

F= Favorite position

G= Goofy (how serious are they)

H= Hair (grooming habits)

I= Intimacy (in the moment romantic or rough/dirty)

J= Jack off (do they masturbate and how often)

K= Kink (kinks what they like possibly unusual)

L= Location (where they like to get it on)

M= Motivation (things that makes them tick/turn ons)

N= No (turnoffs or absolutely won’t do)

O= Oral (receiving or giving and how skillful they are)

P= Pace (how fast they are and how long they last in bed)

Q= Quickie (do they prefer fast and hard)

R= Risk (do they like to try new things)

S= Stamina (how many times they can go and how long each round lasts)

T= Toys (are they game for using sex toys on themselves or lovers)

U= Unfair (how do they tease or do they enjoy suspense themselves)

V= Volume (are they loud, what sounds, and do they talk)

W= Wild card (random sincannon of any sort)

X= X-ray (what’s down below in dem pants)

Y= Yearning (sexdrive level)

Z= Zzzz (do they sleep after if so how quickly after)

Omg this is great! Thank you!! I hope you love it!!

NSFW Alphabet

A - aftercare (what they’re like after the act)

He likes to cuddle afterwards most of the time so, after he pulls out he’ll roll over on his side and pull you into his chest. Sometimes he’ll just stay with his cock buried inside while he holds you tight.

B - body part (their favorite body part of their own or their lover’s)

He loves his body simply for all the things it can do to you. He keeps himself conditioned so he can always provide that groundbreaking orgasm for you, and he knows he’ll always be able to meet every single one of your needs. As for you, he has a thing for your lips. Doesn’t know what it is but he loves them. Kissing them, rubbing his thumb over them, and especially watching them circle around his cock.

C - cum (anything that has to do with it)

There’s something about filling you up that makes him want to lose his mind. He loves to fuck it back into you and watch it drip down your thighs. He loves everything about giving you every last drop and making sure you take it all.

D - dirty secret (pretty self explanatory)

When he’s away from you and he needs that release, if the time zones are a big difference and you’re asleep or at work, he’ll go into his private album and pull up the videos you’ve taken and get off on them. Mans doesn’t even need porn anymore

E - experience (do they know what they’re doing)

He hasn’t had a whole lot of experience but you’re the one he’s learned most of it with. In the beginning of your relationship he was a little shaky but now that he knows your body like the back of his hand, he has figured out everything you like and exactly how to make you come in under five minutes if needed.

F - favorite position

This one changes a lot because he’s always trying new things. At the moment he loves when you take all the control, riding him specially for the view he gets of your body, and the fact that he can just lay back and let you use his body in all the ways you need to.

G - goofy (how serious are they)

Mans is always serious when it comes to sex. He focuses on your body and all the reactions he pulls from you like it’s his profession. He’s intense and he’s no nonsense under those bed sheets

H - hair (grooming habits)

He always aims to look his best for you, so when he’s back home with you he’s typically neat and tidy, but when he’s gone for a couple days/weeks from you, he doesn’t care to put all that much effort into shaving. He’ll just do a little trim and go about his business until he gets back to you

I - intimacy (in the moment romantic or rough/dirty)

It depends on the day and the mood. Most of the time he prefers the roughness and the filthy talk, but then there’s times, like when he’s about to leave for a little while, that he’ll slow things down and take his time with you. In those moments you get kisses showered all over your body and slow, deep thrusts as he stares into your eyes knowing it will be a little while before he gets to do this again

J - jack off (do they masturbate and how often)

When he’s away from you on the road it’s an every night thing, however when he’s home it’s only if he’s aiming for the sex to last all night long. So he’ll be in the shower and he’ll get the first one out the way, that way he can fuck you til daylight, lasting as long as you possibly want him to

K - kink

He loves the typical dom/sub dynamic most of the time. There’s nothing like making you beg him to let you come while he mercilessly fucks into you. Daddy kink whether he wants to admit it or not, when you moan yes daddy, that man could and sometimes does come on the spot. And he has a thing for tying your wrists to the headboard so you can’t push his head back when his tongue going to work on your clit.

L - location (where they like to get it on)

He could look at a bench in the middle of NYC and fantasize about fucking you on it, but he doesn’t get too extreme for the sake of getting caught places. He likes the thrill of thinking you’d get caught but he never wants to actually get caught so, a locked bathroom at the arena or the back of the car in the parking lot after his match is his style when it comes to being a little risky.

M - motivation (things that make him tick/turn him on)

Seeing you front row at his matches is number one. He gets an adrenaline rush and he usually ends up getting security to bring you back stage as soon as he heads out. Also whenever you wear his chain around your neck and nothing else, such as when he catches you fresh out the shower, the man can’t help himself. And he loves fucking you with nothing but that gold cross around your neck.

N - no (turn off, absolutely won’t do)

He’s had threesomes in the past with a buddy and a random girl, but that’s not happening with you. He would never be able to handle seeing another man’s hands on you. He would quite literally break them.

O - oral (receiving or giving and how skillful are they)

As mentioned, the man knows your body better than his own. He knows exactly how to use that tongue and prides himself on that. He could spend hours between your thighs happily. But as much as he loves to give, he loves to receive in return and you’re more than happy to drop to your knees and let him grab a fistful of your hair while he fucks your throat.

P - pace (how fast are they and how long do they last)

Depends on the day and mood again but, he does love to get fast and rough more often than not. He will repeatedly slam his hips into you until he feels his muscles ache. He loves it mainly because you can’t control yourself and you always end up clawing his back, pulling his hair, screaming his name, all the works. And he usually is able to keep it going for a while. He’s perfected lasting as long as you need, and if he can’t, he’ll make it up to you by using his fingers and tongue instead.

Q - quickie (do they prefer fast and hard)

Most times, yes. He likes to see how fast he can make you come and will always keep record of how long it took before your orgasm hit you and he’ll be aiming to break it next time.

R - risk (do they like to try new things)

He’s usually the one to bring up some kind of fantasy he has but disguise it as “a dream he had last night” he’s a bit of a wild card when it comes down to it. He wants to see you in all the different scenarios he can think of. And if you bring up an idea to him, he’s more than willing to fulfill your wants and wishes.

S - stamina (how many times can they go and how long does each round last)

He prides himself on this too, because he can go as many times as you ever want him to. He’s never the one stopping first. He sometimes likes to take his entire off day spent under the bedsheets, fucking until the sun goes down, or until you’re the one who can’t take it anymore

T - toys (are they game for using sex toys on themselves or their lovers)

He likes to bring out a vibrator sometimes if he just wants to make you come quick, but his favorite thing is handcuffs. Most times he wants your wrists locked behind your back while your face is buried in the pillows. Other times he wants you cuffed to the bed, and every so often, he will let you cuff one wrist to the headboard, but he always ends up breaking the chains when he can’t take the teasing anymore

U - unfair (how do they tease or do they enjoy the suspense themselves)

He loves to tease, but when the tables turn, he can’t take it as well as you can. He loves to make you squirm while your hands are locked against the headboard and his forearm is keeping your hips pressed to the mattress while he agonizingly slowly swirls his tongue around your clit, but when you’re the one kitten licking his cock and barely wrapping your lips around the tip, hell get so sexually frustrated that he’ll be a groaning, growling mess

V - volume (are they loud, what sounds, and do they talk)

He’s a dirty talker through and through. He loves to play a condescending role when he says things like “look at you taking daddy’s dick like a good girl” and he especially loves it when you dish it right back to him. He’s also a heavy breather, his huffs can be heard from down halls, along with his low groans that he doesn’t care too keep quiet, because you’re always louder than he is anyway

W - wildcard (random simcannon of any sort)

“If you keep looking at me like that, ima have no choice but to bend you over this bar and fuck you right in the middle of this club”

X - xray (what’s down below in them pants)

He’s a bit above average length wise, way above average in girth.

Y - yearning (sexdrive level)

He’s always horny. It’s a given. You never have to ask if he wants to fuck, the answer will always be yes regardless. All it ever takes is one look from him and you can see it in his eyes that he wants you.

Z - zzz (do they sleep after and if so how quickly)

He likes to cuddle after, but it won’t be long before he falls asleep with his arms wrapped around you, holding you close to his chest. However, if he senses that you want to go again or you’re not as satisfied as he wants you to be, he can be wide awake again in a split second ready for another round.

[crusherthedoctor]

"What do the games have that the comics/cartoons don't?"

Gameplay

SA1 skyboxes

SA1 animations

SA1 Eggman pimp strutting

SA2 Eggman scratching his ass

S3&K sound design

Hue Hue Hue

Werehog scream

Make believes reborn

This is the wrong room

Sonic walking like he's got erectile dysfunction in 3D Blast

Sonic saying WAHHHH every three seconds in the arcade game

well well, if it isn't sonic and tails... SILENCE IAMDOCTORROBOTNIK

The blood, sweat, and tears that went into Rouge's jiggle physics

Work that sucker to death, c'mon now, work that sucker to death

That's a load off my back

They were harmed after the creation of the park

The greatest character in cinematic history, Black Doom

Cope

All's well that ends well, right?

GBA compression doing nothing to offset Chaos Angel

Mean Bean Machine stranger danger faces

Maybe it's the G H O S T of Shadow we saw earlier

Eggman flying past the Babylon Rogues in full view on purpose

The sphinx was so cute, I had to shave it

Trip transforming into a better dragon than Dulcy

TA DAVY JOOONES WITH YE

:O ...goodthingyou'reokay

Don't worry buddy, Don't worry buddy, Don't worry buddy

Johnny GiOHHHHeli

Completing the road to adulthood by beating the antlion boss on Game Gear

Dear Sonic Heroes, GUESS WHAT SONIC HEROES

Yep, I'm the captain

Barrel

Yer a sheep shagger Knuckles

I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, no one tells me what to do, this is who I am

TRULY AMAZING *dies*

Tails' Wave Ocean being immediately followed up with Eggman saying "You have wasted so much of my time"

Sonic music cured my depression and also my rigor mortis

Initiating Recovery Mode

[moonsapprentice]

i heard you were looking for something specific so uhm !! maybe tom nsfw alphabet? sorry i am in love with that man 😞

Sigh too real I’m afraid

⋆ ✶ ✷ 𝔗𝔬𝔪 𝔑𝔖𝔉𝔚 𝔞𝔩𝔭𝔥𝔞𝔟𝔢𝔱 ✷ ✶ ⋆

Reader is left ambiguous!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Once Tom is done with you he’s very caring. He’s quite rough in the bedroom so he asks if you’re okay and gets you water and stuff. If you complain about him going too hard then he makes sure to be extra careful the next time.

B = Body Part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners)

Between the options of boobs, ass, or thighs he is 100% an ass/thighs kind of man. He likes to smack and squeeze

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum, basically)

Tom prefers to cum on one of your body parts rather than inside you, preferably your ass/thighs or back. He just likes seeing it coat your skin. If you’re giving him a blowjob he loves to pull out as he’s cumming and cum on your tongue specifically

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self-explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He fucks you in his monster form. I mean COME ONNN. When in his monster form he’s way rougher than usual. Any form or romanticism is gone for the most part and he’s just rough as fuck. Once he’s done though he’ll make sure to kiss you and hold you, making sure you know how much you mean to him.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Had a bit of experience before you. He obviously isn’t some kind of sex god but he’s done it and thought about it a lot so he’s pretty good at it

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying)

If he’s dominant, he is obsessed with doggy. It’s either that or pinning you against the wall. If he’s submissive though he’s a sucker for cowgirl. He will melt into the mattress and pass away

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.)

During foreplay he might make a joke or two but after that my man is STONE COLD SERIOUS. he does NOT play 💀

H = Hair (How well-groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Probably either trimmed down or shaved. Idk I don’t like thinking about fictional men’s ball hair

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment? The romantic aspect.)

He can get very romantic and sensual or very rough and hard. It depends on how he’s feeling and what kind of day he’s had

J = Jack off (Masturbation Headcanon)

If you’re readily available then he’ll just go to you for help. However, if you’re away he’ll think about/text you. He’ll ask for a nude or something and go nuts.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

I feel like I’ve written this ten times already but WTVR. He loves seeing all the marks he’s left on you. Bite marks, red spots in the shape of his hand from spanking, scratches. He loves the reminder that you and him are exclusive. He’d also dabble in tying you up if he’s really feeling freaky.

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

He loves doing it in random places. He prefers the bedroom or against a wall, but would try other places with some coaxing

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Lingerie. Specifically anything in a dark blue or black. Also, things with fishnets or sheer elements. When he’s a sub, he adores getting marked up with bites and hickeys.

N = No (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

I don’t like putting much for this section bc I like leaving my headcannons up for interpretation, but he would NOT enjoy anything like piss or daddy kinks. He also hates it when you wear red lingerie for obvious reasons

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He likes giving and receiving oral as a pregame or an ender of sorts. Although, some days he really just needs head to decompress

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He likes to go very rough but very slow. He likes to be able to drink in your noises and facial expressions and bask in all his emotions. By the end when he’s getting close though he gets very fast and rough. He loves seeing your legs a bit wobbly the next day

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Quickie champion 💪 as soon as you even hint to one he’s on board

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment? Do they take risks? etc.)

Very open to risks and experiments. He loves finding out new ways to bring you pleasure

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for? How long do they last?)

He’d probably go for at least two rounds, his max changes from day to day but if you want more he’ll use his mouth or his hands or some kind of toy until you’re satisfied

T = Toys (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Other than a vibrator or two he’s not very into toys. He prefers to make you feel good himself.

U = Unfair (How much they like to tease)

He might tease you a few times, but as stated earlier he’d be pretty serious during the act

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Tom isn’t much of a moaner, but he groans and growls often. He also doesn’t get very loud. When he’s submissive, he can let out a few whines too.

W = Wild Card (A random headcanon for the character)

Very rough, yet very romantic. He smacks, bites, and tugs very hard. But he’ll also make out with you sensually and run his hands down your body.

X = X-ray (Let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

7.1 inches, pretty veiny and tilts slightly up. He’s slightly hairy. As for body type, tom is slightly taller than average and bulky. Not muscular but slightly chubby, and very strong.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Tom would want intercourse at least once or twice a week. Not sure what else to say, his drive can fluctuate but the most he could handle is maybe 4 times a week

Z = Zzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterward)

Once he’s sure you’re asleep and comfortable he is out like a LIGHT. dad snore and everything

[wekiaam]

DUTCH MOULIN ROUGE: Thoughts and fun details!!

I just saw Moulin Rouge at the Beatrixtheater in Utrecht you guys!!!! I want to share my memories of it while it's still fresh in my mind, some cast information and general details I was able to notice from all the way in the back rows of the theatre!

I have to be honest, I was a little disappointed when I found out that the Dutch production of Moulin Rouge was going to keep the songs in English, although I kind of got it bc people still have to recognize the pop songs. I am now sorry for ever having doubted that choice. It somehow worked really well, even at the part where Christian goes from Dutchly speaking to Englishly singing the lyrics of Your Song (Het is een beetje raar, this feeling inside (I'm dead)).

Zidler is usually played by Carlo Boszhard (BIG name in Dutch theatre, known mainly as a tv host but played Thenardier, Lumière, and voiced The Grinch, Mushu, and Donkey from Shrek) but tonight he was played by his understudy Wim van den Driessche (Javert, Valjean, Captain von Trapp, Judge Turpin, the Phantom) who was AMAZING at hyping up the audience and he played the character as so stressed out all the time it was great

Satine was also played by understudy Tessa Sunniva (Ariel, Anya), and Christian was played by Martijn Noort (Fiyero) and they had such good chemistry on stage they just melted into each other each time they embraced

I also looked up each of the ensemble members and at more than half of the ensemble had been in either Tina: the Tina Turner Musical, The Bodyguard, or both. The Netherlands truly has five musical productions

And now for some fun bits I noticed (spoilers ofc) (all the dialogue was Dutch but I will be citing in English for convenience)

-Christian was so adorably awkward in his line delivery and body language throughout the whole show (Satine: You're different from what I expected Christian: Surpriiise *jazz hands*)

-At the moment when Christian usually rickrolls the audience, he sang samples from famous Dutch pop songs instead ( "What brings you to Paris?" "🎶Ik ben mezelf niet of al die jaren nooit geweest🎶" en "Sing one of your love songs!" "🎶Je komt in ademnood🎶") Audience lost it

-The audience went WILD when Satine came down on the trapeze

-Zidler breaks his over-the-top-extravagant-night-club-owner persona at the line "The Duke is expecting the Sparkling Diamond!🥰 MAKE SURE THAT SHE IS THERE." cue audible gasps

-After Christian says "I have been practicing all day" Satine downs her whole drink

-Pitch song was entirely in Dutch!!! :D

-Nature boy. Oh my goooodd

-Speaking of, Toulouse-Lautrec, played by Giovanni van Gom (Tarzan, Aida, Hairspray, ALSO TINA) is my absolute favourite character in the whole show what a beautiful man with a beautiful voice (his speaking voice was high and enthusiastic but his singing voice was a lot lower in contrast)

-When Christian starts singing "Everlasting love" Satine tries to run away from him but he sort of chases after her it was so funny

-Backstage Romance was so electric!!

-The Duke played by Nino Ruiter (Soldaat van Oranje, ZODIAC) was SO CREEPY he would constantly lean in so close to Satine when speaking to her and just being such a sleaze the whole time it was great

- Zidler was so excited about his shaving blade prop it was hilarious

-After "BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!" there were like three hours of dead silence

- EL TANGO DE ROXANNE WAS STELLAR I LOVED IT SO MUCH

-During Satine's first verse in "Crazy Rolling", Baby Doll takes her hands in hers, then turns away so Satine won't see her crying, then when she rolls the vanity off the stage she turns around to look at Satine one last time and excuse me while I go sit in a corner and cry

-All of Satine's last interactions with the Moulin Rouge people made me so so sad by the way

- At the end, Satine and Christian sing Come What May one last time, and the ensemble lined up on both sides of the stage and singing along and I'm surprised I didn't bawl my eyes out actually

Here are the bows and me screaming!!

Also caught these two in 4k

[kyndaris]

Stale Bread

Growing up, I've always hated how toys were divided between boys and girls. Especially given the limited number of things that were acceptable for girls to play with while boys would have multiple aisles filled with fun things like Lego, science experiments and action figures. Even back then, I hadn't much liked how interests could be so rigidly divded.

Nor did I like being relegated to wearing frumpy school dresses when part of the uniform was a shirt and shorts. In fact, it was a point of contention back in primary school with my mother. During one of the school photos, she had demanded I wear the dress rather than what I was comfortable with.

It should come as no surprise that I was considered a 'tomboy' in school.

But though films and movies would have you believe I'd finally figure out the secrets of make-up and try to dress to impress in order to snag myself a man by the time I hit university, this never happened. Putting on make-up forever remains a mystery. Yes, I understand it's socially expected that I be patting on a layer of foundation and giving my lips a touch of rouge, but it just feels completely antithetical to who I am as a person.

Why are women expected to powder themselves up to appeal to the not as fair sex? Why do we need to shave our legs and armpits? More than that, why was it fine for me to run around shirtless when I was a child but not socially acceptable now that my mammary glands have developed?

If women can't free the nip, and it's considered crass if the nodules can be seen through the shirt, then I'm voting for men to do the same. I don't need to men nips peeking through their thin shirts. Nor do I want to see their rolls of fat as they take their shirts off during a run. Especially if women can't do the same without it being seen as unseemly.

As the years have gone by and new labels have appeared, I did wonder if my antipathy towards gender stereotypes painted me as non-binary. I, certainly, wasn't the image of the typical woman with typical feminine interests and hobbies. But the more I thought on why such a label was required, the more I pushed against it.

The whole idea of the divide between 'masculine' and 'feminine' simply didn't make sense. And by choosing to be non-binary, I was also conforming to the idea that because I wasn't feminine enough, I had to straddle the line between the two. Even though I'd come to terms with the fact I'd never have a flat enough chest, and suffer through monthly bouts of menstruating (I also wanted to be taller and skinnier, but let's not go into beauty standards on this post).

Why couldn't I be who I was - a woman who liked video games, books and horses?

And though the idea of whether I might be trans did cross my mind, the years of being mistaken for a boy because of my unisex name further solidified my gender identity for me - but also because I didn't have significant body dysmorphia leading me to severe distress in terms of the body I had (although being more athletic and capable of doing backflips would have been a bonus. Unfortunately, I don't think science is at the stage to give me the ideal body I want). Besides, I can't have been the only one who has wondered what it might be like to be the opposite sex and the advantages that come with it.

On the other hand, biology is a strange beast. Yes, there are certain markers to differentiate males and females of a species, but none of it is universal. Female hyenas, after all, have more testosterone than their male counterparts. Male birds are more flamboyantly coloured to attract a mate.

Then, of course, if you throw in intersex individuals, the whole dichotomy between man and woman collapses in its entirety. After all, where do you put intersex people if the system is binary in nature?

From a dating perspective, meeting and chatting with people who have transitioned has certainly opened my eyes to a few things. And it's definitely been a different experience to dating cisgendered men and women.

While I have yet to actually go on a date with a trans woman, some of our chats have been quite productive as we strive to seek a connection on shared interests. True, one stopped chatting when Starfield released and pivoted their focus on the latest release from Bethesda, but the other was enthusiastic about pursuing new skills and hobbies.

Neither one of them led me to suspect this was all a means to 'threaten' or 'undermine' women. They were people simply living their lives in a way that best suited them.

And both of them were much easier to chat with than the trans man I did actually meet up with two weeks ago as of time of writing. For the sake of simplicity, though, I'll codename them Tip Top (because they're as bland as white bread).

From the outset, Tip Top was a difficult person to converse with. They seemed to have an obsession with pushing aside any type of heteronormative narrative when it came to how relationships formed - while still falling within the traps of what differentiates romance from friendship. They also liked to unnecessarily explain or clarify things. For example: danmei novels, which are essentially BL (boys love) by another name.

Then, of course, there was the way they pushed aside their cultural and ethnic heritage. While I understood they had issues with their family (something they implied in relation to their transition), it bothered me to no end how they also rejected almost anything relating to, as they described it, 'Western pop culture.' Which was one of the reasons why they disliked trivia or word-association board games.

It was a difficult thing to process. Especially given my two loves: Disney and the written word. I'm a veritable thesaurus with how much I read (and write)! To have someone target the very things I love in the first meeting, well, it dismayed me. A lot.

But it also made me wonder how much Tip Top actually engaged with the wider world.

As I've shown in my travel posts, I love engaging with the various cultures across the world. Truth, as is almost always the case, is stranger than fiction. The events that have shaped the trajectory of the world is fascinating. And seeing the world through the eyes of different people was the EXACT reason I fell in love with reading in the first place.

Given the limited time we have in the world, and the fixed perspective we have, it is eye-opening for me to see how others might interpret the world. So, knowing that Tip Top purposely closed themselves off, was a difficult pill to swallow.

Although, I can't say I was surprised.

In the past, I've known other people who, like Tip Top, seemed to have lived sheltered lives or who show no curiosity about the world they live in. All of their focus is turned inward, with many of their views coming off as narrow-minded. Especially when they espouse dogma they've, no doubt, taken from people around them rather than develop their own views.

It can even make them seem self-centred and entitled.

Perhaps, it was as Tip Top said, that they didn't have many friends in high school. And hadn't been keen to connect with anyone because they were only living 'half a life.' And yet, I'm sure there are certainly a lot of trans people out there who still managed to be socially engaging with those around them prior to taking hormones and/ or surgery.

In the end, our conversations stuttered over Sunday brunch as Tip Top only seemed interested in asking me shallow questions and then refusing to truly engage with any of my answers. Whereas I tried to coax out more about who they were as a person, focusing on what they said their hobbies were on their profile. A part of it, I felt, was their struggle with expressing their thoughts. For example, when I asked them to elaborate about a visual novel they were playing, they tried to hedge around many of the details. Even when I said I was fine about spoilers.

So many little things irked me about Tip Top.

Worse, I couldn't shake the similarities I found between them and a person I used to know, who, in a last update, identifies as a Caucasian man. While I can accept the fact they're trans (I introduced them to the concept of possibly being non-binary when we previously griped about the woes of being a woman), I take umbrage on the fact they're trying to claim an alternate racial identity. Especially as they were born, and look, East Asian.

But I digress.

This is about Tip Top and our rather lacklustre meet-up.

After we visited the bakery, for them to pick up a hojicha latte (although they were lactose-intolerant and also suffered a mild aversion to gluten), we walked around a nearby park before I bid them farewell.

It wasn't the worst meet up I'd been on but it certainly wasn't a good one either. And it makes me exhausted thinking about trawling through the disappointments to reach the diamond I'm hoping for. There is something to be said about being single. And yet, the more I age, and the more my friends go their separate ways, the more alone I'm starting to feel.

Maybe it truly is time for me to get a dog.

[teamxdark]

29. Duel

"Good morning sunshine," Rouge sing-songed, shuffling a deck of cards as Shadow stepped into frame.

"What nonsense do you have for me this time?" Shadow asked unenthusiastically.

"Right to the point, glad to see it. Well! Have you heard of the gaming phenomenon known as Fuzzy Puppies?"

Shadow didn't make any kind of reaction, clearly hoping to blow through this whole ordeal before it became his whole day. Rouge decided to take it in stride.

"Eventually the manufacturer realized that a) producing and collecting figurines costs more than most people are willing to spend for a strategy game, and b) cards are cheaper to make and buy, easier to collect, and ultimately more profitable as a whole. Thus… drum roll please?"

Shadow maintained his silence as Omega rolled an oil drum across the grotto in the background of the shot.

"...Good enough. Ta-daaaaa!" She shoved the cards into Shadow's face, filling his vision with brightly-colored designs and text far too small to read comfortably. "Dueling Dogs! Registered spin-off card game of Fuzzy Puppies. Now with additional accessories, terrains, and commands!"

Shadow pushed the cards away from his face. "How much did they pay you to say that?"

"Shadow, please. I may have my price, but I'm no sellout. So, when are you going to play with me?"

"Never. Your asinine games are of no interest to me… plus the artstyle is trash."

"YOU ARE TRASH!" Omega retaliated from the top of his oil drum tower, which was still under construction.

"And a chicken," Rouge dismissed, waving the cards in front of his face as a taunt.

"Oh no you don't," Shadow growled, swatting her hand away. "I'm not going to be fooled that easy."

Not again, his mind supplied unhelpfully, recalling all the times Rouge and Omega and Eggman had roped him into something stupid and unworthy of his time, just by implying that he was unwilling to take the challenge. He was the Ultimate Lifeform! This challenge and all those others were beneath him! He would not be swayed--

"Win a game against me and I won't bother you for a whole two weeks."

Shadow's interest flared in spite of himself. "I don't think that's possible for you," he sneered, trying his best to save face. "And why should I trust your word?"

Rouge's wings flapped in what might have been genuine offense. "When have I ever steered you wrong?"

Shadow glared at her.

"...Rhetorical question. The real question is… is it still worth it to try?"

"I don't know how to play," Shadow pointed out, crossing his arms.

"You're a smart guy, you can figure it out," Rouge wheedled.

"THE WINNER WILL ALSO GET THE PRIVILEGE OF SITTING AT THE BASE OF MY TOWER," Omega added, sweetening the deal by gesturing to his oil drum tower that by all means should not have fit in the grotto.

"Pretty good deal, huh Shaddy?"

"Call me that again and I'm shaving your head."

"First of all, rude! Second of all…"

She slammed a unopened deck of cards in front of him with a grin.

"These are for you~ Make your own doggy army, but remember that you can't win with dogs alone! It's the accessories, terrains and--"

"You say this like I've never played a card game before," scoffed Shadow, who had never played a card game before.

"Well okay then." Rouge grinned at him, dragging a play mat out of nowhere and setting it in between them both on the flat-ish rock that served as their table. "Let's duel!"

As Shadow looked from the designated play spots on the mat to the cards still wrapped in a layer of protective plastic, he steeled his resolve to win this game as quickly as possible.

After all, that oil drum tower looked dope.

[adelemadouce]

As you want me!

The next morning the Emperor got a good beating from me! Because he deserved it! That rascal! I had already thought everything through carefully the evening before. As soon as we arrived at the Tuileries, I sent Camille to the servants' kitchen. "Enjoy a hearty breakfast! Take your time! Listen at the door when you return. If he is still there, wait until he has left." When she had disappeared, I prepared myself. I took off my dress, my bodice, my stockings. Then I undid my chignon and let my hair fall down. The Emperor loves my hair loose. He likes to see the curls bouncing up and down, rhythmically, bouncing faster and faster. The sight alone makes him wild! He loved it! I still had my panthalons on, taking them off in front of him would whet his appetite even more. He loved it!

I looked in the mirror, my complexion was a little pale, as if I had been up all night...so I put a little, very little! rouge on my lips. They shimmered like rose petals, my white teeth gleamed, a mouth ready to kiss! He loved it! I felt the moisture between my legs, Camille had removed my hair, I was fresh as a peach. And just as juicy! He loved it! Then finally I heard the scratching at the door. I opened it and was almost stunned by a cloud of Eau de Cologne. "Bonjour, Madame...bonjour!" The Emperor was always in a terribly good mood in the morning. This was actually how it always was after getting up and completing his morning grooming ritual. Napoléon would joke with his valets while he shaved himself or sat in his bathtub. He loved to listen to the latest Parisian gossip, sang or hummed songs as he got dressed. He drank his lime blossom tea with a smile, because he was looking forward to work; to rule France for a whole day seemed to be the greatest happiness for him. A little lovemaking in the morning rounded off his happiness. And so he was in a very good mood that morning too. He beamed and quickly closed the door behind him. "I have very good news," he began to chatter happily. But I looked at him angrily, put my finger on his mouth and said sternly: "You shut up now!" He looked at me in surprise, but remained silent. "Come on, get over to the bed! And don't mess around!" I put my hand over his mouth and pushed him to the bed, gently pressing him down onto the mattress. He was only wearing a shirt and pants, but even that was too much for me! I took my hand away from his mouth and threatened with my finger: "Not a sound, you rascal!" I pulled his shirt over his head, ruffling his hair and saw him smile. I knew he loved it! I threw away the shirt, opened his fly and fumbled in his pants. Then I took off my panthalons, not taking my eyes off him. The Emperor lay down on the bed, still smiling, more aroused than ever. Finally I mounted him, his hard member was right between my legs, I left it there! He lay back on the pillows, looking at me longingly through his half-closed eyes. I leaned towards his face and licked his lips. I felt him trying to penetrate me, my wet peach twitched and jerked. "You little rascal will listen to me now! Can you really not imagine what a young woman of twenty-two, madly in love, thinks about all day long? What she longs for twenty-four hours a day? What her young body is crying out for? Why she tosses and turns in bed or wanders aimlessly around during the day? Why she keeps trying to distract herself so she doesn't think about what she longs for? Do you have any idea, little rascal, what torture this is?" He moved his hips, he didn't want to wait any longer. I reached between my thighs and grabbed him...

"...but I apologized, Adèle, chérie!" he said humbly. He was still moving his hips and he didn't stop smiling. "You little rascal must learn a lesson...you will never do that to me again! Never again!" I massaged him wildly, he closed his eyes and chuckled. "No, I will never do it again...never...never!" He whimpered like a beaten boy, but with pleasure, it was absolutely wonderful for him! After a while it was no longer enough for the Emperor. He raised his head and looked at me, with furrowed eyebrows and sparkling eyes, he hissed wonderfully aggressively: "Now finally take what you want, Adèle! Take it! Take me!!!"

Afterwards the Emperor was in an even better mood because he had completely disarmed me! I lay in his arms, still trembling from ecstasy, while he started babbling again. "The Empress wants you to attend her evening receptions! That would be excellent, then you can stay overnight and sleep in my bed...on the fur...hmm?...how do you like that?" He nibbled on my ear and stuck his tongue in there too, it tickled. "Oh dear," I sighed, "...I heard that the evenings with the Empress are terribly boring! What am I supposed to do there?" He didn't stop nibbling at my ear. "You can play the harp a little...and if I attend I'll teach you how to play cards. Then under the table I'll put my foot between your thighs...ahhh...you'll like that...playing cards!" The Emperor grabbed my chin, he kissed me roughly and took me for the second time. Before he left me, he said: "The Empress will ask you later whether you can do your duty in the evening. Tell her that you agree!" He paused, opened the door and looked at me again. "Tonight I'll take you harder!" I smiled and nodded slightly. I knew that he had revenge for this morning's "beating". I was looking forward to it.

Later, prepared for everything to come, I went to the Empress's chambers. It was not long before Joséphine called me over. Madame d'Arberg was also there. I was allowed to sit on the taburet again. "Adèle, chérie...", Joséphine began to speak solemnly, "...we, the Emperor and I, would like to ask you to perform your court duties in the evenings too! Would you agree to that, child?" I didn't have to think long, I already had the answers ready. "Your Majesty, I would like to fulfill Your wish with the greatest pleasure, but as a mother of two small children I must point out that my presence with my children is if required absolutely necessary and I will then not be able to fulfill my courtly duties in the evening." My voice sounded even more solemn than hers. The Empress took my hand tenderly. "But of course you have to be considerate of your children! If necessary, you are welcome to be at home with them!" Madame d'Arberg then said to me: "...the Emperor will then increase your remuneration accordingly!" I politely thanked Madame d'Arberg. She exchanged a look with the Empress, curtsied, and then left us alone. Joséphine immediately leaned towards me confidentially. "The Emperor kissed your hand yesterday three times! Everyone saw it. What did he say to you?" Although no one else was there, she whispered. So I followed her example. "He said I should ride at Vaucresson on Sundays rather than at Longchamp." The Empress smiled with delight. "Vaucresson is really more beautiful! I rode there before the Reign of Terror! There is a small pavilion there...a formidable hiding place for couples!" She giggled. But then Joséphine immediately became serious again. "You should ride there, Adèle! I'll tell him about it in passing. Then he'll meet you on a Sunday in Vaucresson...he'll suggest you rest in the little pavilion...with him!" Now I found it difficult to answer. What should I say? The Empress held my hand tightly and kissed it gently, her eyes filled with tears. "...I saw the way he looks at you, Adèle. He desires you! And I can't fight it anymore...There are plots against me! His whole family has started to fight me. They won't rest until they get rid of me, no matter how! I'm in great danger, Adèle...I need your help!" I was deeply touched, immediately stood up and took Aunt Joséphine in my arms. I couldn't think of the right words, I just hugged her...the wife of the man I loved and slept with! What kind of drama had I gotten myself into?

When the Emperor arrived at the Allée des Veuves that evening, he was no longer in a good mood. He was sullen, downright disgusting, I didn't know if his behavior was fake or real. He didn't greet me, he kissed me painfully, bit my tongue lightly, then grabbed me by my neck from behind and pushed me upstairs to the bedroom like a teacher does with his naughty school girl. He pushed me contemptuously onto the bed and said: "Why aren't you naked yet? Take off your clothes!" I was paralyzed with desire! Uhh, that was so good! Confused by what I had just imagined, I frantically took off my dress. He threw off his cloak, stepped out of his escarpins and then threw himself on me! I pressed my face into the pillows and screamed loudly: "...dieu!...DIEU!!!" How I loved this violence, this untamed greed that burst out of him! I clawed my hands in the sheets, the bed creaked beneath us so loudly that I thought it would collapse. "I told you I'd take you harder, "he yelled. "...is it good? Don't you think you deserve a lesson too, you wanton little hussy?" He hurt me, but it was too heavenly. I nodded vigorously and grunted. He became even more violent, having long since lost control, while I stuffed the pillow in my mouth to keep from screaming. He saw it, pulled the pillow away from me and then we both screamed. He collapsed on top of me and realized something that I was infinitely ashamed of - in addition to my large nipples I have another physical peculiarity: sometimes at the climax of lovemaking, a clear, watery fluid squirts out of my vagina. And that's what happened right now at the moment, the love-water shot out of my peach in a high arc! The Emperor saw it with wide eyes, he immediately came to his senses, his hand slid between my legs. I was so horrified that I began to cry. His fingers were wet, he licked them. Then he saw my despair. "Chérie...why are you crying? It's not that bad...on the contrary!" He was very tender now, rocking me to calm me down. "Mon amour...your body has incredible talents...Adèle...you're a goddess in bed!"

I cried hard and wanted to explain to him that I had no control over it, that it would just happen! It had never been as strong as it was that evening. The Emperor kissed my face, he was very tender and loving (I knew now that his rough behavior at lovemaking was not real!) and he assured me again, that my body was only reflecting natural functions. "Love is an exchange of bodily fluids, " he explained to me. "...without our body fluids we couldn't have children!" He kissed the tip of my nose. "...and we two will have beautiful children, you'll see, my Adèle!" I was now comforted. We took off all our clothes, crawled under the sheets and snuggled up close to each other. The Emperor did not want to end the topic yet. He was too fascinated, not to say enthusiastic! "If your love water squirts again,...may I drink it? I once read something about it at the ancient Greeks, they called it the 'water of Aphrodite'...it is supposed to give men strength and beauty!" I had to laugh. "Oh Sire, you already have enough strength and beauty!" He grinned. "A man can never have enough of that...was I too rough just now? I always get the impression that you enjoy it when I take you so hard!" I blinked, moistening my lips and replied shyly questioningly: "Do you find it inappropriate...if I confess that it is so? That I love your rudeness?" The Emperor looked deep into my eyes. "I want to make you happy, Adèle...if I know what makes you happy I will fulfill your wishes, because I love you!" My finger traced the contours of his lips. "...and your wish is my command, Sire...at lovemaking! I will obey with joy, you just have to tell me what pleasures you want!" Napoléon smiled contentedly. "I'll come back to that when I get the chance...has the Empress actually spoken to you?" I nodded. "Yes! I will be present at the evening receptions in the future. The Empress also asked me what you talked to me yesterday in the throne room. I told her that you advised me to go horse riding in Vaucresson. She told me that she knew the forest well, that the Emperor occasionally rides there, that I would definitely meet him, and that there was a cozy pavilion where we could warm up." The Emperor seemed to be completely shocked, he was more than surprised. "That did the Empress tell you?! That we should warm ourselves up in the pavilion?" He jumped out of bed and ran stark naked to the fireplace. "Did she also tell you how we should both warm up in the pavilion?" He folded his arms over his chest and began to walk up and down in front of the fireplace. It looked cute, because his penis was hard again and bobbed merrily with each of his steps. I also stood up, went to the table and poured a large glass of cognac. I took a sip, went to the fireplace and gave it to him. "Of course the Empress didn't say anything like that to me. However, she seemed very unsettled...she's afraid of her own ulterior motives!" I kissed his chest and caressed his aroused manhood. The Emperor looked thoughtfully into the fire. "Joséphine's hatching something...I can feel it!" I followed his gaze into the flames. "She's scared, Sire!"

[mayamidnightmelody]

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman. Just saying her name conjures up images of icy elegance and fierce talent, but there's a whole other side to this Aussie legend that deserves a shoutout. This queen isn't afraid to get and explore her sensuality on screen, all while looking FLAWLESS.

Take "Eyes Wide Shut," for example. That movie was a whole vibe, pushing boundaries and leaving audiences shook. Nic wasn't shy about baring it all, literally and metaphorically. She dove headfirst into the exploration of intimacy, showing us a side of vulnerability that was both raw and captivating.

Let's not forget "Moulin Rouge!" That movie was a feast for the senses, a technicolor explosion of love, music, and yes, some seriously costumes (or lack thereof!). Nic embraced the outrageousness of Satine, a courtesan with a heart of gold and a bod that could launch a thousand ships. There's a scene where she literally emerges from a giant seashell, all pearls and glory, and it's enough to make you want to rewatch the entire movie with a magnifying glass (metaphorically speaking, of course ).

Then there's "Fur," a biopic about photographer Diane Arbus. This wasn't your typical Hollywood glam. Nic went full method, shaving a man with alopecia (hair loss) and exploring a raw, primal kind of intimacy. It wasn't gratuitous nudity, but a portrayal of vulnerability and a search for connection that left audiences speechless.

The key takeaway here is that Nic's comfort with nudity isn't just about showing skin. It's about using her body as a tool to tell a story, to explore the complexities of human emotions, and to push the boundaries of what's considered "acceptable" on screen. She's not afraid to be and raw, to shed societal expectations and embrace the full spectrum of human experience.

While Nicole Kidman isn't afraid of pushing boundaries with nudity, it's important to remember that a truly intimate scene goes beyond just showing skin. There's a difference between gratuitous nudity and a portrayal of genuine intimacy, and Nic excels at the latter.

Take "Birth" for instance. This psychological drama explores a complex relationship between a grieving widow and a young boy who claims to be the reincarnation of her dead husband. There's a scene where the lines between grief, memory, and desire blur, and Nic delivers a performance that's equal parts heartbreaking and . Her portrayal of emotional intensity culminates in a wordless moment where her face tells a story all its own – a story of longing, release, and a tangle of confusing emotions.

Or consider "The Paperboy" – a steamy Southern Gothic thriller with more twists than a pretzel. Nic plays a troubled woman trapped in a suffocating marriage, yearning for a wild passion she hasn't experienced in years. There's a scene where she lets loose with a reporter played by Zac Efron, and the raw energy that radiates from Nic is palpable. It's not about a stereotypical "orgasm face," but a portrayal of raw vulnerability and emotional release that transcends the physical act.

Ultimately, Nicole Kidman's artistry lies in her ability to convey a spectrum of emotions through her entire body, not just through a single facial expression. Her comfort with nudity allows her to explore intimacy in a way that's both honest and captivating, leaving audiences and wanting more.

And let's be honest, it's seeing a powerful woman like Nic own her sexuality with such confidence. It's a middle finger to double standards and a celebration of self-acceptance. In a world that often tries to diminish women, Nic stands tall, and unfiltered, reminding us all that there's nothing more than a woman who's comfortable in her own skin (or lack thereof ). So yeah, Nicole Kidman is much more than just a pretty face. She's a force to be reckoned with, a true queen who redefines what it means to be sexy, strong, and completely unbothered.

But it's not just about the full-frontal nudity (though major props for owning that!). Nic has a way of moving on screen that's pure . It's a confidence that oozes from her pores, a "come hither" gaze that makes your heart do the *heart eyes emoji* thing. She's not afraid to get down and dirty with a role, whether it's a passionate love scene or a fight choreography that leaves you sweating just watching.

This comfort with her body translates into a sense of self-discovery that's truly inspiring. She doesn't shy away from playing complex characters – flawed women who are both strong and vulnerable. Think of "Big Little Lies" – Celeste freaking Wright, OMG! She embodied a woman grappling with desire and the aftermath of trauma, all while rocking a killer wardrobe (and a killer bod, obvs).

Nic's journey on screen is a testament to her growth as an actress. She's not afraid to push boundaries, to experiment, and to constantly challenge herself. And guess what? It shows. She's ageless, captivating, and always owning her power. So next time you see Nic Kidman slaying on screen, just know there's a whole lotta simmering beneath that icy exterior.

[saphstories]

🍄🔪🌸🌿

🍄-- Share a headcanon from one of your favorite ships or pairings:

I see your ship and pairing question and raise you OTF (One True Family) 😁: Team Dark all live together in the penthouse above Club Rouge. There is a bathroom schedule that is strictly enforced by Omega after a memorable morning that involved tripwires, nets, shaving foam, and the entire contents of Rouge's vanity. Shadow once tried to use his position as Team Leader to get around the schedule, but Omega merely sat on him and gave Rouge extended time.

🔪-- What's the weirdest topic you've researched for a writing project?

One of my favorite things to do to characters is to give them some sort of physical limitation or health disorder. Blindness, paraplegia, those sorts of things, to see how they react and how it would influence the canon world around them. So I'm often researching causes of those limitations (what other than a broken back can cause paraplegia?), accommodations (what kind of things best helps a blind person?), and biggest pet peeves of the people with these limitations. One memorable thing was how hard is it for a paraplegic person to concieve a child?

🌸-- Do you have any pets? If you do, post some pictures of them.

Unfortunately not. 🥺🥺 I want like a ton of fur babies tho. Maybe some scale babies too. (Tons of🐕🐕🐕 , and maybe a 🐢 cuz 🐢s are awesome.)

🌿-- Give some advice on writer's block and low creativity.

Oh, Jesus help me, umm... I am probably the WORST to ask about writer's block. 😅 I've recently discovered that doing a writing warmup can help. Pick a character(s) and drop them in a random situation and write a few paragraphs or for a certain time about it. It's like runners stretching before the marathon. Sometimes giving yourself a moment to write complete nonsense helps. It's not a cure all, but it does help a bit. I've started doing this before getting to work on The Three Sovereigns or my other developing project, and it does help.

As for Low Creativity: One of my mottos (What's a motto? Nothin, what's a motto with you? 😂) is whistle while you work. I don't EVER plan on writing or developing ANYTHING without music. It helps (me at least) to have some sort of white noise in the background. Another thing that I've found that helps is seeking out things that pertain to what you're writing about. Stories or art about certain characters or themes or similar plots do help inspire your own. I've used this method TONS of times.

[shiningdesignersreflections]

Chapter 4: Determination

Narrated by Yueniang.

Butler: Sir Zicheng, Master will be back shortly.

Narrator: Speaking from outside the room, the servant raises his voice so both Yue Zicheng and Yue Zilang can hear him.

Yue Zicheng: Zilang, you should go now.

Yueniang: I'm going to sell this hairpin.

Yue Zicheng: You're going to what?

Yueniang: You heard me. I can do whatever I want with it since it belongs to my mother.

Narrator: Yue Zicheng is about to say something but stops short when I turn away from him.

Yueniang: Leave me alone. I want a quiet moment by myself.

Narrator: A few quiet moments later, knocks come from the door behind.

Narrator: When I touch one of Mother's clothes, I can feel the passage of time through the tender silk... she who used to don it, however, is never to do so again.

Narrator: I put my hair down and put on one of Mother's qipao.

You: Can you fit, though?

Narrator: Remember how broke I've been these days?

Narrator: Turns out I managed to shave off some weight because of that, but I guess I do need a bigger pair of heels than this one.

Narrator: I put some rouge on my lips. Thin and long, my eyebrows are perfect just the way they are.

Narrator: I look up into the mirror... my, I can't believe I actually have trouble telling who I'm seeing in it...

Narrator: It all happens so fast, because I rarely see myself in the mirror when I'm alone.

Narrator: In Mother's qipao, I can't believe how much I resemble her.

Yueniang: My nose, my eyes, and eyebrows...

Narrator: I'm about to touch all of them when the icy-cold mirror stops me short.

Narrator: I guess I'll just take this hairpin and leave.

Choose "Are you sure you're going to sell the hairpin?"

You: But you miss her so much. Are you sure you really want to sell this hairpin?

Narrator: I can't be more sure. What good is her hairpin when she wasn't there to see me grow up?

You: My, you're such a bad liar.

Narrator: The shadow of the plum tree stands before the room in the setting sun. Where did she go when she'd promised to see the tree grow up with me?

Narrator: I'll have to leave it all behind me the moment I open this door.

Narrator: The sun is in my eyes when I open the door... so much so that I can't see the faces of the people standing before me. But guessing who they are is a no-brainer.

Yueniang: It sure has been a while, Sir Yue.

Narrator: With his dusty face and gray hair, Father looks the same as ever.

Narrator: From the traces of mud on his outfit, I can imagine how he must have scurried all the way here as soon as he'd caught wind that I came home.

Narrator: Keeping both his hands behind him and standing tall, he fixes his heavy gaze upon me unwaveringly.

Narrator: Fixing the hairpin on my hair, I step out of the room.

Yueniang: How have you been?

Narrator: In the setting sun, they can see the way I look perfectly well. Father opens his mouth, but nothing comes out of it.

Narrator: Stepping forward, Yue Zicheng seems as if he's going to say something, but stops cold when his gaze falls upon me.

Narrator: I wonder which cat got their tongues... how I look when I'm dressed as a woman? Or that certain someone they're reminded of when they look at me?

Yueniang: I see you're at a loss for words, sir. Well, take good care of yourself.

Narrator: Let's see how well you're going to sleep tonight after seeing what you've just seen.

Narrator: Without saying anything else, I walk right through them before they regain their composure.

Narrator: A servant tries to stop me, but pulls his hand back hesitantly when he looks behind me.

Yue Zicheng: Hey, Zilang...

Narrator: The creaks of the gate drown the latter half of what Yue Zicheng says. Bidding a quiet farewell to the plum tree, I leave the place without turning back.

Narrator: I can hear the clacks of the heels on my feet as the gate closes heavily behind me.

Narrator: Walking in the chills of early spring, I'm clad in the fragrance of the white plums... which fades away before I know it.

Narrator: With the Yues' towering complex standing silently behind me, I walk straight up into the bustling street.

Narrator: I'm glad the old man and I didn't exchange words. I'm never turning back.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

[thaoeatworld]

A Safe Place

TW/CW: Transphobia, Racism

As a child, my favourite book series was Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events." Across 13 books and a small collection of extra material, including a pseudo autobiography, Lemony Snicket (or Daniel Handler) detailed the struggles and triumphs of three, hyper-intelligent, orphans, trying to navigate a wicked world. As they end up in rather compromising situations, the children hold onto the hope that they will find, as Handler writes, "the last safe place".

This so called "safe place" was collectively imagined by the children as a santuary nestled away in nature, away from all the injustice and morally corrupt people they've been encountering. There, they would be at peace and protected. However, as they reach this location, they realise by ignoring the treacheries of the world, they would be also trapped. They would be forced to passify their interest in bettering th world and to accept falsehoods as fact. In the end, they acknowledge that nothing can be simply packed into neat boxes -- things are more complex than they appear is the take away.

For a series I started reading in elementary school, and occasional revisit as an adult, I now recognise that these were some intense themes I was dealing with. I bring them up now, because I find myself accidentally in a similar idealistic thought bubble when it comes to "safety". To some extent, like Violet, Klaus, and Sunny -- I flattened the realities of the world we're living in into binaries of "safe" and "not safe". And in doing so, I left myself in quite a vulnerable position and I suppose this essay is how I am processing it.

It's been almost 8 years since I've come out as non-binary. It happened in a quite cliche way as I often joke -- with a mental breakdown and shaving all my hair off during my year abroad. With a buzzcut, I struggled a lot with my image and understanding of self. I realised I hid a lot of my frustrations and confusions about performing womanhood, woman-ness, and everything in between behind my long hair.

Growing up, both my parents were very militant in this way about femininity. My mother's insights felt more like a typical assertion of either my sister or I being in her image. I also think, as I grow older, it had a lot to do with her experience under the Khmer Rouge regime where they cut all her hair cut as an attempt of standardisation under communism plus a detterent for lice. Either way, long hair, specifically on me, meant a lot to my mother.

On the otherhand, it meant a lot to my father as well -- though in a more annoyingly patriarchal sense. Some gems he said to me a sa child, which now I realise were a part of my gender unraveling of sorts, include: "You're a girl, you need to have pretty long hair." "You're a princess, you can't be anything else." "You can't skate because you'll mess up your legs and men won't like that." What a guy.

One of my cousins was equally as culpable in my gender-unraveling. She used to bully me, my sister, and my other cousin using nicknames meant to harm us. She used to call me "boy" because she felt that I wasn't "girl" enough. Simplistic, enough. Straight to the point. I was definitively not-girl.

Regardless, and expectedly, I resented all of that. It took me 12 years of being out of the closet (knew I was a little fruity at 10 years old, but who wouldn't be after doing so much theatre and being around so many virbrant human beings?) and a handful of gender studies courses to realise I was, well, a bit different. I had my "moment". I shaved off all my hair, focused on performing adrogyny, and updated all my social media account bits where you could add pronouns. I had a very underwhelming conversation with my family members, who still occasionally misgender me to this day. I embraced my perpetual struggle with gender quite openly.

Throughout my graduate studies, I met many wonderful queer people who nourished and celebrated the essence of me that I was still figuring it out. I am grateful for that. However, this journey was not without issues. Upon moving to Italy I faced an impossible struggle with a gendered language and way of life. I found solice in queer-coded spaces like roller derby and rollerskating. Somewhere along that assimilation into my "Italian" layer of myself, I stopped being andrognyous. I stopped thinking that I had to care, because people were already getting EVERYTHING wrong about me because I wasn't fluent in Italian. My appearance of being brown and a migrant (who sucked at Italian) superceded my priority to be acknowledged and identified by my queerness. It was just another confusing layer for most people who weren't that close to me anyway.

It's not to say I have no friends in Italy, because that is factually untrue. It is simply to say that I acknowledge that in the midst of my actual combatative moments of racism, ableism, and arguable emotional trauma from certain authority figures, that I was not experiencing myself, and therefore my gender, in full. I was a shell of a person. I often reflect on this in relation to my romantic break-up with my ex. I think "Well do I blame him? I was a shell of a person during my PhD so why would I want to stay together while he turns into a shell?" Perhaps that just something I tell myself to sleep at night, but to be clear: I am very happy and I wish him all the best in his personal journey.

Anyways, when I received my first academic position, I decided I was going to re-assert my claim towards my gender. I openly explained I was non-binary, to everyone. I was not going to be supressed by the social structures around me, and quite frankly I think the Netherlands was quite supportive of that (or so I thought). In my eyes, I was reclaiming control of myself, after years of well, not being myself.

So far so good I thought. Nothing egregious happened. Somehow I was expecting people to be very actively transphobic, I mean transphobes are EVERYWHERE. What transpired next, is a bit more slow burn, and harmful in its own minute ways.

In class and to my peers I always emphasise that I don't "keep score" for misgendering. I don't. However what I curiously noticed is that by being open about being non-binary, there was a shift in "carefulness" and emotional labour. More times than not, I ended up consoling people for misgendering me, despite me being very open that it was a joint learning process. I had more people looking at me for validation that I personally judged them to not be a shitty person. I had to tiptoe around conversations about LGBTQ+ and "gender stuff" because everyone's eyes were bulging in my direction whenever it came up. In some way, it felt like they were trying to gauge "how far" I am on the radical-queer-human-political-spectrum. Um yeah, okay, we're all a monolith I guess.

As a lecturer it's very public-facing and intimate. My whole job is being on display for students to stare at, contest, and pick at. I am the first point of contact when they're pissed at course work, methods, or anything relating to their learning. I'm not afraid of this -- of course. As a performer in cabaret, drag, and an avid science communicator. I'm used to being in the spotlight. Also, as someone who has fought very ruthlessly to escape my marginalising contexts, I'm used to it. However, this does not mean I'm fully equipped to handle every situation nor be capable of enduring long spans of pain and suffering.

And yet here we are. I have recently come to face with situations which have caused me to critically reflect on, and genuinely feel pain about the dual responsibility that comes with being out, and open, as "the queer lecturer". Much of the criticism from the "far right" (whatever that could mean) is that we're in an age where "everyone is queer". This always makes me laugh, naturally. We have always existed. LBGTQ+ people have always existed! We were just actively ignored, oppressed, and murdered throughout history. Do you know how terrible that is? Imagine having the capacity to just acknowledge that you have the opportunity to exist without thread of being senselessly harmed, outright murdered, or a focal point of distress and shame for loved ones. Imagine being able to just be, without having your guard up. Imagine. Imagine the toll this has on LGBTQ+ people every second. I'm not here to fetishise my own sadness nor other LGBTQ+ people. I'm just here to ruminate a bit on the weight which many of us, carry internally.

I feel that one of my responsibilities is to be an example to my students, but also a resource for those who relate to me and my identities. I am a safe place for people like me. That's so much work isn't it? Not only am I bound to be a good educator, I'm also entangled in the micro-politics of being a "good" person to so many kinds of people. I'm a "box-checker" for crying out loud. I'm first generation American and university student. I'm brown. I'm queer. I'm disabled. I'm an immigrant. I'm from a working class background. My parents are refugees. I'm probably some sick "progressives" wet dream. These are the pains I carry, histories which shape the very foundation with how I see, engage with, and experience the world. It's so much.

It's impossible to please everyone. I know that. I'm sure everyone knows that to some degree. But all I wish, genuinely, as I lay here very sick with the weight of the stress I am feeling on my entire being that I could stop apologising to everyone for being human. Even when I am physically sick from stress and pressure, it is impossible for me to tear myself away from "work". This just links back to my reflections on burning out doesn't it. Have I begun to burn out again? Is this the initiation of another unraveling? The GENDER edition?

I'm not sure. I hope not. Because I learned nothing before, so what can I learn this go around? Pedro in his attempts to console me these last few days remarked "I'm sure you'll learn something at the end of this." Will I? Will I learn to be "stronger" perhaps? Why must I be hard when I am so effortlessly soft? I enjoy my tenderness within the world, it allows me make such meaningful connections with ideas, people, and things.

In this moment of concern I wanted to shave my hair again. My mom always told me that in Khmer culture, we shave our heads when there has been a great pain. People often do it as a part of funeral rites, for close family members. I watched my aunts, uncles, and cousins shave their heads when my grandpa passed away. When my mom went through a fissure in her relationship with a sibling, she shaved her head. It is how I guess, "my people" and I mourn and grieve. If I shave my head, will people stop misgendering me? If I shave my head will my students see me as a "stronger" resource or "safe place"? These are some of the thoughts that rattled my brain. I haven't cut my hair yet, but I'm still thinking about it.