#robert chase has two hands people!!

[stark-stiel]

why is the season 6 dibala plot set up like chase and foreman are having an affair and hiding it from cameron

[redicillin]

I need me some Robert chase smut 😣✋✋ FWB reader and chase realising they like each other more than just the FWB situation they have going on??

𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 — (𝐫.𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐬𝐞)

when does a friends with benefits agreement stop being just that?

gn!reader ☆ 1.2k ☆ masterlist. ☆ 18+ for nsfw mentions

The first time it happens, you don’t notice.

You’re too lost in the feeling of Chase moving against you, his hands gripping your hips, his mouth trailing fire over your skin.

His breaths are ragged, each one punctuated by soft groans that send warmth pooling low in your stomach.

It’s always like this—urgent, desperate, pleasure tangled in the casualness of your arrangement. You both agreed to this. No strings, no expectations, just the kind of release that only two people who understand each other’s needs can give.

And yet… something feels different.

You only catch it in brief moments—his fingers threading through yours and holding on longer than usual, the way his lips linger against your skin as if memorizing the taste, the way his gaze locks onto yours and doesn’t waver even when he’s losing himself completely.

You chalk it up to the heat of the moment, a trick of the dim light and the rush of sensation, and let yourself fall over the edge with him.

What you don’t know is that, in that moment, Chase is realizing something that should terrify him.

He wants more than just this.

He doesn’t say anything. Of course, he doesn’t.

Chase isn’t the type to throw himself into feelings without overanalysing them, and he’s certainly not going to risk ruining what you have with a clumsy confession.

So, he carries on as if nothing’s changed.

Except… everything has.

It starts with little things.

The morning after, instead of rushing to clean up and send you on your way like usual, he lingers in bed. He watches as you stretch lazily, the sheets tangled around your legs, your body warm and pliant beside him. You make some joke about how he’s usually up and moving before you’ve even opened your eyes, and he just shrugs.

“Didn’t feel like rushing today.”

Then there’s the coffee.

You’re used to slipping out in the morning and grabbing something from the café near your place, but one morning, you find Chase in the kitchen, already making a second cup.

“For you,” he says simply, handing it over like it’s nothing.

It’s not nothing.

Neither is the way he stops grumbling when your toiletries start taking over his bathroom. At first, he teased you about it, playfully complaining about your products filling up his counter.

But now? He doesn’t say a word when you leave your moisturizer next to his razor, when your shampoo joins his in the shower, when a spare toothbrush just mysteriously appears next to his own.

And then there are the nights when he invites you over—not for sex, but just to be there.

“We could watch a movie or something,” he suggests one evening, his voice casual, but there’s something tentative in the way he asks.

You blink at him, caught off guard. That’s never been part of whatever this is between you. But you don’t question it, just shrug and agree.

So, you start spending time together in ways that have nothing to do with tangled sheets and heated touches. You sit side by side on his couch, his arm draped loosely over your shoulders.

You cook dinner together, laugh when he burns something, roll your eyes when he insists it’s still edible. You fall asleep next to him without the expectation of sex, just comfortable in the warmth of his presence.

And yet, neither of you says a word about it.

Weeks pass.

Nothing changes, and yet everything has.

You should question it, should demand some kind of clarification, but you don’t. Maybe you don’t want to break whatever spell this is.

Then one night, after another round of slow, lazy sex that feels more like making love than just satisfying a physical need, you find yourself lying in Chase’s bed once again.

You’re on your back, the sheets loosely covering your body, your breath still slowing from the high of it all. Chase is beside you, propped up on one elbow, watching you.

You don’t notice at first, too focused on the way the cool air feels against your heated skin. But when you turn your head, you catch him staring.

It’s not lust.

It’s not simple attraction or the sleepy daze of post-sex contentment.

It’s something deeper.

Something warm, something soft.

Something terrifying.

“What?” you ask, your voice quieter than you expect.

Chase doesn’t look away. If anything, his expression softens even more, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Nothing,”

You narrow your eyes. “You’re looking at me like you—” You stop yourself before you can say something dangerous.

Like you love me.

The thought sends your heart racing in a way that has nothing to do with physical pleasure.

But Chase doesn’t look away, and suddenly, it’s too much.

You sit up, pulling the sheets with you, and turn to face him fully. There’s something pressing against your ribs, a truth you’ve been too afraid to examine.

So, you just say it.

“Are we dating?”

The words hang in the air, thick with meaning.

Chase blinks. His lips part slightly, like he hadn’t expected you to be the one to say it first. He hesitates, but only for a second.

Then he exhales a soft laugh, shaking his head. “I don’t know,” he admits. “Are we?”

It’s not a no.

And that’s all the answer you need.

You stare at each other for a long moment before Chase reaches out, fingers brushing over your cheek, his touch feather-light but deliberate. He tilts his head, considering, before finally speaking again.

“I think… I think I want to be.”

Your breath catches. You weren’t expecting that kind of honesty—not from him, not from yourself. But there it is. The truth of it.

Something inside you unravels, something you didn’t realize you’d been holding onto.

You nod slowly, a small smile pulling at your lips. “Yeah,” you murmur. “Me too,”

Chase’s fingers slide down to your jaw, his thumb grazing your skin. He leans in, pressing a slow, lingering kiss to your lips, and for the first time, it feels different.

It’s not about lust.

It’s not about convenience.

It’s something more.

Something real.

Something that scares you both—but neither of you are running from it.

[i-like-what-this-says-about-you]

every episode of house md part 3

high school teacher: alright class settle down, it is time for chemistry!

the students moan

random student #1: please mr roberts can we just use this period to do homework

mr roberts: no, chemistry is important, you see-

mr roberts starts choking

random student #2: oh my god! someone get him some water!

mr roberts stops choking

mr roberts: sorry about that folks, moving on-

mr roberts falls to the ground, unconscious

*** house and wilson are walking together

house: wilson, my guy, you are wearing a nice tie. you must be cheating on your wife

wilson: you’re just trying to find a way to compliment my tie without seeming nice. so, thank you. anyway, i have this case. high school chemistry teacher keeps randomly choking on nothing.

house: so? he has anderson’s choking disease

wilson: no, it doesn’t only occur when he’s sleeping. not anderson’s.

there is a brief moment of homoerotically staring and grinning at each other

house: ok, i’ll take it.

he grabs the file

***

house: ok people, new case. man can’t stop choking!

cameron: hmmm… can’t be andersons…

foreman: could it be cancer in his throat?

house: that only shows up for a minute or two every few days?

chase: longmedicalnameadocis!

house: good thinking, test for that, in the mean time start him on fancydrugname.

*** in the clinic

house sighs, pops a few vicodin, and enters a clinic room

clinic patient: my knees hurt.

house takes a good hard look at the patient. he’s ancient. every inch of him is wrinkled. his head has only a few surviving white hairs. next to him is who house assumes is his daughter.

house (sarcastically): hhhmmm… now this is a hard one.

daughter: please take him seriously! just a week ago it seemed like he was way younger! he had barely any wrinkles, he was running 4 miles a day- he was healthy and fit! something’s up!

the patient coughs and begins to struggle to breathe. he takes out an inhaler.

daughter: a week ago he didn’t need an inhaler. now he’s using it multiple times a day!

house (not sarcastically this time): interesting… i want to run a few tests.

*** in the office

foreman: fancydrugname made him worse.

house: chase you idiot you were way wrong.

chase: 😣😣🥺🥺

house writes the new symptoms on the board

foreman: i think it’s neurological.

house: okay, what neurological disorder could cause this?

foreman thinks in contemplation

cameron: insertanotherlongmedicalnamehere?

chase: there’s no treatment for that.

house: wrong. we can do surgery

foreman: surgery?

house: take out part of his brain

*** cuddy’s office

cuddy (angry): NO! you cannot cut into this man’s brain with no proof! it’s a rare condition, most people with it die and this treatment has never been used for the condition before!

house: i have proof.

cuddy: oh really?

house: yes. i think it will work and i’m always right.

cuddy shakes her head

cuddy: no.

*** in the clinic, same patient as before

daughter: please tell me you know what’s wrong with him.

the patient has a bag of almonds in his hand. he is shoveling handfuls of them into his mouth

house: jeez, that’s a lot of almonds- **epiphany moment** house: i have to go!!

daughter: what? what about my dad!!!

house (from out the clinic room): get him to stop eating all those damn almonds!!

*** mr roberts’ room

house: have you been exposed to large amounts of almonds recently?

mr roberts: yes, my son just started working at an almond factory.

house: aha! my proof!

house leaves, leaving mr roberts confused and in distress

*** mr roberts gets the surgery and is cured

once again, wilson and house are walking together. wilson is eating almonds

wilson: want one?

[reidsapplelady]

PAST IS PAST (part II) — /S.Reid/ & /R. Chase/

SUMMARY: when your ex, Robert Chase, and House's team, is brought in to consult on a case, old feelings start to surface. Caught between Chase's flirting and Reid's quiet affection, you find yourself caught between a love triangle, and a choice that you have to make.

spencer x psych!bau!reader x chase ⸝⸝ fluff & slight angst ⸝⸝ co-workers to lovers

WARNINGS: reader has attachment and commitment issues! wow!!, house being sassy as always (i cant tell if i made him too sassy), past!ppth!reader x chase, present!psych!bau!reader x spencer. Wow house prefers reid!!! And yay!!! reader finally toughens up and finally chooses!

WC: 1.4k+

Chase stood near the board, his arms were crossed and his posture's relaxed. His presence pulled at something deep inside your chest.

On the opposite side of the room was Spencer, who was flipping through the autopsy report like it didn't burn to watch your past, Chase, linger so close to you now.

"Alright." You clasped your hands together as you stood up, "We need to connect these symptoms to something, there might be an environmental trigger to this so I'll go to Garcia and speak to her about pulling relevant data—"

"I can help." Chase offers, stepping away from the evidence board to go to you.

"I'll help her." Spencer cut in, too fast, and maybe too sharp. His voice snapped across the room.

Chase blinked in surprise, as House tilted his head "Oh, good. A territorial standoff." Foreman just clicked his tongue at House's remark.

"House, shut up." Foreman cut in, clearly tired from House's antics but he knew him. He wouldn't stop even after being told so, so he just gave up immediately.

"I-I mean she's asking for support from Garcia, it's only logical if I help her since I am her co-worker after all." Spencer said.

Chase just raised his hands in surrender, "Alright then, also for your information, I wasn't trying to step on toes."

"More like he steps on hearts." House said, which earns him a glare from Chase.

"House," Cameron warned. "Can you not?"

"I can always not, I just choose not to." House's gaze then flicked on you.

You sigh as you stood abruptly, "I'll work with Garcia, Spencer, I'll catch up with you later." It took a few seconds for Spencer to look at you (finally) and replying with an 'Okay' before he walks out.

Chase steps forward, his arms crossed and standing next to you. "So.. You and Reid?"

You chuckled as you grabbed all necessary files. "He's a colleague."

"You know that's not what I meant." Chase then looks at you, the others were just minding their own business but House stares at the two of you with interest. Knowing you probably won't have privacy with this man around, you accept your fate of him potentially using this as blackmail.

"Right." Your breath hitched.

"Listen, I'm not trying to undo anything." He added, he tried to explain but nothing came out of his mouth.

"Chase." you said quietly. "You did enough already." You turn your back against him and walk out of the briefing room to talk to Garcia.

Chase looked like he wanted to say more, but House butts in before he could. "You know, Chase, I always pegged you as smarter than this."

"What?" Chase turned to him.

"Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not judging. I’m just saying…" House’s voice dropped an octave, "sometimes people don’t realize how badly they needed something until someone else starts taking care of it better." He shrugged.

Chase raised an eyebrow, "Are you saying this is my fault?"

"No," House clicks his tongue before he continues "what I'm saying is that you didn't tell her to stay after she told you she was going to the FBI, nor did you contact her after that. That's an ass move by the way. Way to go Aussie."

"She was chasing her dreams?" Chase responded defensively.

"She was willing to find a solution to still have you." House rolled his eyes. "But oh well, past is past isn't it?"

After your online adventuring with Penelope, trying to figure out ways to find anyone who has had a science background you sat yourself at your desk at the bullpen. Without knowing Penelope was following you.

Penelope grabbed the nearest chair and sat next to you, you look at Penelope with confusion as she says, "You're doing it again."

You blinked at her, confusion still in your eyes, "Doing what?"

"Thinking so hard to the point you're practically giving yourself a stroke, maybe over two men."

you huffed a soft laugh, as you shifted yourself in a comfortable position in your chair. "I'm fine, Pen."

"No, you're not." She leans forward to you. "You're stuck between what was and what could be. And darling, I love you, which is why I cannot standby and watch you self-destruct!" she whispered loudly to you, her hands found its way to yours, holding your hands tightly.

You opened your mouth to protest before Penelope's hand let go of your hand and held it in front of your mouth. "I know what your deal is, hell it's so obvious! Chase is history. He's good, warm and has familiar history. And you?" She gives you a small smile before continuing, "Babe, I know you, you've never been one to choose safe."

You exhale softly, her words sinking deep into you as you listened. "And Spencer? He looks at you like he's reading a mystery that he doesn't want to finish, He waits for you. He always has."

"So, you think I should choose Spencer..?" Your eyes then landed on your cup of coffee before your eyes landed back to Penelope to speak. "I think I already knew who to pick. I just didn't want to hurt anyone. Especially Chase." She squeezes your hand before she opens her mouth to speak again.

"Loving someone isn't hurting someone. But not loving the right one back? That hurts everyone babe."

You look at Spencer at the kitchenette, who was preparing his coffee, Garcia gave you the 'Do it' and a thumbs up signal before you sighed and made your way to Spencer.

"Hey." You said, Spencer looked behind him, noticing you, before grabbing his cup of coffee. "I talked to Garcia."

"Any suspects yet?" He looks at you as he took a sio of his coffee.

"Uhm, not yet, but... That's not why I'm here." You pursed your lips before continuing, "Look, I'm sorry. About me and Chase. I'm sorry for not telling you."

"I didn't realize how much I was holding on to what Chase and I used to be. I told myself I could choose between you and him. But that's not fair. To you. I knew that, but.." you paused, he looks at you with a hint of hope in his eyes. "I was afraid of letting go. But now.."

"I realized that I should let go of what I used to have. And I don't wanna keep hesitating." you whispered as you continued, "Chase reminded me of who I was. But you.. You remind me of who I want to be.. I don't feel lost when I'm around you."

Spencer didn't say anything right away, he put his mug on the counter before speaking, "I've been falling, or I've fallen in love with you for a while now." He purses his lips before setting his hands in his pockets.

You smiled at Spencer, your voice thick with emotion "Took you long enough to say it."

"Why're you smiling at me like that?" He asks as your hand landed on his cheek.

"Nothing." You chuckle before he smiled back at you. You then decide to go back to your desk to tell Penelope everything.

Later, after an endless day filled stress, you lingered by the window in the briefing room, admiring the view of the city lights. Behind you, was House who leaned against the wall, with the support of his cane too, with a small satisfied smirk plastered on his face.

"Well," he drawled, "that's one less emotionally repressed genius wasting potential, you're welcome."

You looked at him with your eyebrow raised, "You had nothing to do with this." you chuckled as you joked around with him.

"Actually I inspired clarity with my fantastic insights. You're welcome again." He then gestured to the door. "Now, go. Your boy genius is probably somewhere trying to calculate the square root of his BPM" He says before he limps his way out with his cane. You roll your eyes as you head out, closing the door behind you and making your way to Spencer.

"Let's go, I'm tired." You sigh, before continuing, "You mind if I crash in your place for tonight? I don't feel like driving too far." You ask as you dig out your car keys from your pocket.

Spencer looks at you like he's never been in love before, before he agrees with a nod and he puts his hand on your shoulder.

Chase just looks at the two of you with a smile, with House beside him. "So, Aussie, what will you do now? Will you become a brooding mysterious man?" He looks at Chase.

Chase just rolls his eyes as he dug his hands inside his pockets, "Whatever, just as long she's happy, I'm alright. I'll move on eventually." House hummed at him before they walk out of the bullpen, to wait and take the elevator.

all rights reserved — © reidsapplelady

taglist: @dearlenore @tinkerbellsgf @1nterstellarcha0s @th3g5eren0

[dipperscavern]

okay something malicious is brewing in my drafts but i. i genuinely cannot sotp thinking about robb stark

specifically him when robert baratheon arrives at winterfell. he’s clean shaven, jawline & contoured cheekbones put on full display. the wild red curly hair you love to run your fingers through is trimmed, cut back in an effort of taming it to look more presentable for the king.

okay? walk with me here.

winterfell is at full capacity. the queen and the king, their servants, squires, guards/knights, ladies in waiting, luggage, horses, and children have all accompanied them on their journey. the castle is packed. you and robb’s responsibilities have increased tenfold, and small glances & acknowledgements while passing by each other during the day are all you can afford right now.

robb’s so caught up in performing his duties, he almost forgets how much he really does crave your presence.

the feast has ended, and robb catches the first look he’s had at you all day. you’re leaving the kitchen, and robb is entering it. your paths collide, and so do you. it’s not harsh, robb’s hands fly to steady you. he’s about to murmur a polite “my apologies” when he looks down and realizes it’s you. your name leaves his lips, & you look up, recognizing him.

“Robb?”

“Hey, pretty. Where you been, hm?”

you smile, shaking your head. “Busy, I-“

“Miss?”

you both turn to face the servant thats approached you. she bows to robb, keeping her head low in a show of respect.

“Her Grace requests your presence, my lady.”

you look at robb, exasperated, and you both share a small smile. you turn to go with the servant, grasping robb’s hand in passing as you’re led to the queen.

it’s the first small conversation you’ve had in days, and the first touch. robb’s hand chases after yours, but is ultimately left behind, and he realizes how much he misses you. when was the last time you both went to the godswood? went riding? were in each others presence? he can’t remember.

& then you start to notice it. winks aimed in your direction as you make eye contact from across the room that have you swallowing your smile. suddenly you two are “accidentally” sent to the same areas to fetch things for people. robert baratheon is told you’re impressive with a bow, you’re told to join them on the hunt. since when after feasts were you both on clean up duty?

[butterflydm]

The Queen of Attolia (plus some WoT comparisons)

Haha, it's been a few months but I got my chance to read the next book in the Queen's Thief series and it was so good! I am going to have two sections in this review -- my overall thoughts and then some specific thoughts that are mostly for @markantonys due to the series being her recommendation and I have a lot of thoughts about the comparisons between the Queen of Attolia x Eugenides and Mat Cauthon x Fortuona, because you can really do a point by point comparison, though I don't think it was intentional -- I think that Megan Whalen Turner and Robert Jordan were both going for the same idea but Turner was, imo, wildly more successful than Jordan at it.

But first, thoughts that don't particularly relate to The Wheel of Time:

We open with a tense cat and mouse chase between The Thief and the Queen's guardmen and that is really the heart of this book when it comes down to it -- a cat and mouse game between two extremely complicated people, and how they have to navigate in the world that they share.

Turner is really good at writing these fun action scenes where you're very much in the PoV of the character.

The (apparent) foundation that is laid here (that later gets overturned because Gen got to me again and he was once again acting on personal information that he kept from me for the majority of the book, lol, love him for it) - is very much beginning as enemies who have respect for each other's skills. At this point in the book, I knew that they would end up married due to spoilers and I know that it's considered a good romance, so I was really looking forward to seeing the journey, especially since I did get spoiled about the huge upcoming traumatic event.

But we start from this strong narrative place where they are aware of each other and have respect for each other but they belong to two separate counties that have some political tensions and they are both important parts of those countries and can't set that aside.

Because of how bold Gen is, Attolia has been backed into a corner by his actions and we actually see this affirmed by Gen's cousin (the Queen of Eddis) and her thoughts on the matter -- she is aware that Gen going into Attolia's country to spy on her is a dangerous thing for him to do.

And then the cutting off of his hand. This is brutal, and it feels brutal, and then we also get these hints of Attolia's reaction afterwards (that we get into more later) but especially her reaction when he begs her not to hurt him anymore and you can really see her feel the impact of what she did. She doesn't allow herself to show her remorse but even this early on, we're getting hints of it as readers.

Then when Gen goes home, we actually see that the Queen of Eddis also maintains a mask in public, just like Attolia does, so we see another hint here that Gen understands that kind of masking. Eddis looks just as cold and impenetrable to Attolia's guards who return Gen to her, as Attolia looks to everyone else.

I really appreciated how long the recovery time was after the loss of Gen's hand and how much time we spent with him to feel him get used to the changes (and how economically Turner is able to pass that time). We get these tiny looks at Attolia as well, and her difficultly sleeping at night, which we expand on later.

Then we get the return of the Magus from Sounis! It was really nice to see him again, dropping in to visit Gen, but he's also here to give us that continuation of the division between personal and political -- as a person who genuinely likes Gen, the Magus was upset about what Attolia did to him, but as the advisor to the king of Sounis, he knew that they would be able to use Eddis's reaction to Attolia's act on the political stage.

But what a way to learn that the two countries are at war!

It takes some time for Gen to really believe that Eddis went to war over him, and we see him processing that over the course of the book as well, and they talk about it more. I do think that Gen does not always realize how deeply other people care about him.

Turner really is so good at giving us these pieces of information that reframe the earlier story -- now we know that during all those snippets of Attolia that we had earlier, she was also dealing with realizing that her actions with Gen led to the war that she's currently embroiled in.

The progression of the war was really well done (again, Turner is very economical with her narrative here), with what details she chooses to focus in on, and we see that Gen, even though he has gained more of an ability to have that cold and impassive mask like Attolia has, still does things like make sure that no one is on the ships that he's destroying, because he doesn't like getting people killed.

Turner also does a really good job showing how destabilizing the war is to all three countries involved, and how the war is hurting everything.

We take a little mythology story break here in the narrative, which was a fun story about love and choice, both of which are very relevant. This story definitely does end up applying pretty heavily to Gen and Attolia in the themes, and I like the style that Turner tells these stories.

I love how perceptive Gen is once he's been apprised of the situation and we get to see the thought process that leads to him blaming the emperor's ambassador more for the loss of his hand than he does Attolia herself, because he sees that ambassador understood that seeing Gen maimed and returned to Eddis would be more like to spark a war than just killing him would, and a war is exactly what he needs in order to try to justify getting his troops onto Attolia's land. All the politics here are pretty complex but I feel like the book does a good job explaining the reasoning.

And this is also the point where it's really confirmed that Attolia knows that the ambassador is underestimating her, and that she also understands a lot of the things that he thinks that he's pulling over on her. But because of the fragile position that she's in, she needs to entertain the ambassador's advice and his attempts to sidle in on her country.

Quote about Gen: "It was like him that if he had to have a thing, to have the fanciest thing of its kind."

I really like all this about the cost of war; the price of war; and why this outside party has been trying to urge war on the three countries.

We also get Eddis admitting to Gen that she thinks that she could have possibly controlled herself and not started a war if he had only been killed, rather than treated in a way that she finds so insulting, and that it made her so angry that she made a choice that had now brought a lot of damage to their own country that she wishes could be avoided. And Gen can see, basically, that the ambassador of Medes is the one who put both Eddis and Attolia in this trap, and he was used as the tool to start this war.

We really move into Attolia's PoV and we get the story of the broken amphora (she thought about it when she saw Gen after she'd had his hand cut off) -- it was, essentially, the moment that marked when her life changed and she couldn't be a young girl anymore.

This really is a heartbreaking story -- how after her brothers died and she was the heir, her father essentially sold her off to be married, and her fiance was actively plotting against her father and how to suck her country dry for his own benefit after they were married. And how she kept herself quiet and small and just listened, but then poisoned him at their wedding feast, also having her captain of the guard kill the next man who tried to force her to marry him. We also see here that she only trusts loyalty that she can buy in gold (because every other kind of loyalty failed her).

Then we finally get the big reunion! This scene is so tense, with both Attolia and Gen wearing these cold masks (we later realize that Gen has pretty much directly modeled his mask on Attolia's) and we get this private negotiation that is only for the two of them. And this moment when it is literally just them, together on a boat, with no one else to interrupt them... just exquisitely done.

It's been implied before, but this is where we get our confirmation that Attolia has been just as haunted by Gen this entire book as he's been haunted by her. They've been separated for most of the book but constantly haunted by each other. I gotta share the quote:

"He was too young to have bones that ached. No matter what he thought of himself, he was hardly more than a boy. A boy without one hand. She reached up to push the wet hair out of her face, wondering when she had sunk so low that she had begun torturing boys. It was a question she had asked herself night after night, lying awake in her bed or sitting in a chair by the window watching the stars slowly move across the sky."

We've been seeing her do those things the entire book, but this is the first moment when we're told what she was thinking about in those moments.

We also get our Big Revelation here that Gen has had feelings for Attolia since before the events of The Thief! How does he hide these things from us so well! Gen! We learn here (and we get even more detail later) that he's been feeling drawn to her for literal years. That part of the reason that he made those trips that she thought were mockery was because he wanted to be close to her and get a look at her and see if she really was the monster that their spies reported that she was, or if she was just a woman who was being forced to make difficult, maybe impossible choices.

And then we get our story reversal where Attolia gets 'rescued' by the ambassador and his people, and we get to see how she behaves in these circumstances where she doesn't believe that she can trust Gen (sure, he said he loves her, but she cut his hand off! And he's a known liar! how can she trust him?) vs this dude that she knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that she absolutely cannot trust.

The moment when she tells her handmaidens not to put on her golden bee earrings, I knew exactly what she'd done, especially when we got Gen's reaction. The writing doesn't have to tell us in the moment what's occurring (that she put on the earrings that he left for her one time and that she said she would only wear if she'd decided to marry him) for us to know, and I love that. This coded sign that only he will understand.

It's the most unique and fascinating marriage proposal I've ever read. Well done. Haha, and I did guess that the gray-haired man that he fought so well with was his father. <3

Love the moment when we see him process that marrying the Queen of Attolia is going to mean... that he'll be the King of Attolia. He just wanted to marry her because he liked her! <3 <3

And everything after that was just so delightful. Working together for the double-cross and then the process of Eddis and Attolia working out the treaty and Eddis trying to convince Gen that they can have the treaty without the marriage, and his rejection of that, and then essentially testing Attolia with that offer as well.

I also really like one of the moments when Attolia realizes that she can trust Gen, which is when Eddis tells her that of course Gen also lies to her. Constantly. And I feel like that reframed a lot of her interactions with Gen for Attolia. Realizing that Gen wasn't being maliciously deceitful towards her; he's just Like That With Everyone. Plus, I can't forget the moment when, after the battle is won, Attolia and Eddis return to where Gen is being held and Attolia believes for a moment that he's been poisoned as a parting shot by the Medes ambassador and we can literally watch as her heart completely shatters and she is completely undone and devastated in her head and even shaken where people can see her. It's beautifully written.

And we get the moment with the gods (who are very real in this series but very carefully choose how they interfere) and it's just as well done as it was in the first book. The windows in the palace shattering as the goddess responds to Gen's sacrifice! And basically laying out to him that his suffering was required to reach this ending and would he trade it back if he could -- if it meant that Attolia would have been forced to make that deal with the Medes ambassador. And Gen would rather have Attolia in his life and wanting to marry him than have his hand back.

Just that whole final section that leads up to the ending of the book, with Attolia really being able to believe Gen when he says that he loves her... it's so good. How the narrative (and Eddis and Gen) are able to tease out Attolia's feelings for Gen, and how we end on that final quiet moment between the two of them. Really powerful ending.

It's a really good book and it's a really good romance. Gen and Attolia are both fantastic characters and even with all the twists and turns and revelations, their relationship felt incredibly captivating and believable. I really believe that Gen wants to break through Attolia's walls and, just as important, I feel like there's a person on the other side of those walls who is worth being loyal to and loving. You understand why Gen wants to be Attolia's husband, even after she ordered his hand cut off, which is very impressive storytelling.

Hopefully I'll get the chance to read the The King of Attolia soonish, and not in, like, four months.

*

And now onto the Wheel of Time/Mat & Tuon comparison section of the review for @markantonys 💖

It really does feel like a point-by-point improvement on Mat & Tuon, though I suspected unintentionally (it looks like this book came out 3 years before CoT).

Starting with the characters: wow, Attolia really is so much the person that I would have wanted Tuon to be. And she feels like the person that Jordan wanted readers to believe that Tuon was. Every place where I was going through my WoT reread and going "footage not found!" about something the narrative tried to claim about Tuon is something where the footage is very much found for Attolia. While Tuon's potentially heartbreaking backstory really is just backstory and ends up have zero impact on her active storyline, Attolia's tragic backstory is the entire spine of what her character is going through and what Gen can help her with.

We get to see and really experience Attolia's context, which is not something that we got with Tuon. Jordan makes an attempt, I guess, with Karade's sob story about Tuon and the doll, but he made the bizarre choice to frame this story in Karade's PoV (Tuon's slave), not from Tuon's PoV. For whatever reason, Jordan always insisted on making Tuon the most insufferably smug person in the world in her own PoVs.

With Attolia, we get those breaks in her mask that I kept desperately wanting us to get with Tuon but we never did. Again, this is mostly only for the reader, not even for Gen -- the reader gets to see behind Attolia's mask. And so Attolia is captivating and fascinating and I understand why she felt like she had to do these horrible things.

With Attolia, we actually get her being removed from her power base and feeling helpless, which Jordan never had the guts to do with Tuon (when Mat kidnaps Tuon, he lets her take her slave along with her, and then some of his allies decide to support Tuon over him despite having zero narrative or character-based reason to do so), which means that when Attolia regains her power, it has a much bigger impact on the narrative, while it felt like Tuon never really lost hers. Attolia and Gen both manage to be scrappy underdogs, in their own way, and that's something that Tuon never was.

Both Attolia and Tuon commit horrific acts, but while we see Attolia's remorse and how it torments her, Tuon always seems to shrug off the horrible shit that she does. It doesn't ever affect her emotionally and she never seems to think past it after it's done. She is a character without remorse or reflection (I think she vaguely thinks that it's a shame one time when she's pondering how she will break Mat's spirit but that's about it). And Attolia has those two qualities in spades. Attolia feels like a real woman to me in a way that Tuon never did. We see the brave face that she puts on, we see her regret and remorse, we see her loneliness, we see her jealousy over the Queen of Eddis, who is able to trust the members of her court in a way that Attolia has never felt she could trust her own. Tuon just feels really shallow in comparison to Attolia.

Even in the first cat and mouse scene with Attolia and Gen in this book, you can see the push and pull and the narrative equality of the characters. Gen has been in and out of four different strongholds of hers, and she feels that he's pretty much taunting her with his abilities. There's a mutual respect for the other person which was one of the big things that was missing for me with Mat and Tuon. In her final PoV in KoD, we learn that she has not had an ounce of respect for him during this entire journey -- it's not until she sees how the Band respects him that she considers whether or not there may be more to him than just being a pretty and dumb sextoy. And the big problem with that is that was the period when the 'romance' was being developed. During the time when she didn't have any respect for him as a person. And that makes it very difficult to find their relationship compelling, even apart from the fact that I found Mat himself profoundly unlikable in CoT & KoD.

Now, Mat being a terrible person (in CoT & KoD) and Tuon being a terrible person (always and forever) are not things that would stop me from shipping them in general. I am capable of finding Awful4Awful pairings compelling (like Louis and Lestat from Interview with the Vampire). They don't have to be good people, but there has to be something in the relationship that grabs onto me at any level, and that's where Mat and Tuon failed.

We can see in Attolia's thoughts that she envies the relationship that Gen has with the Queen of Eddis -- she envies that loyalty and wishes she could have something like that of her own. That sort of envy was also missing from CoT & KoD (I am going to mention, briefly, that some of these elements were present in the Mat & Tuon relationship in AMoL but at that point, it was just too late for me to give a shit about their relationship, because CoT & KoD thoroughly killed any interest that I had in them). Whether because of his own personal kinks or because of the plans that Jordan had for the Outriggers, Jordan made Tuon too much of an island; too much of an wall. The way he wrote her made me feel like nothing Mat could do would ever really matter to her in any way; that she was content to use him up and then throw him out and that's just not my thing. It may have been Jordan's kink but it is not mine.

So I definitely understand @markantonys's point about this feeling like a well-written version of Mat and Tuon! It really does feel like this is the sort of relationship that Jordan wanted to write with Mat and Tuon but didn't have the skill at romance writing to pull off. Something like Mat and Tuon is Hard Mode Romance and Jordan wasn't even always good at Easy Mode Romance.

Two of the key elements that really makes Attolia and Gen work for me is just getting to sit and exist in Attolia's emotional reactions to the wrong that she has done to Gen; and Gen acknowledging and processing the harm that she'd done. And both of those things were desperately needed with Mat and Tuon, both as characters and as a romance.

A major major part of why Mat and Tuon failed for me is because I didn't feel like Mat was actually reacting to her realistically for the vast majority of their page time together; she threatens to invade a city and he laughs it off, she assaults his companions that he freed from slavery and he thinks it's hot?!?, she talks about how she likes to torture women and he ignores it.

If Tuon had cut off Mat's hand, the way that Attolia cut off Gen's, it feels like Jordan would have just had Mat shrug it off and then buy her a puppy as a reward or something as his response. Here, we get Gen begging Attolia "please don't hurt me again" after she cuts off his hand and then we have months of separation and recovery and processing before the narrative takes him anywhere near her again. And Attolia is forced to reckon with what she did, first by being haunted by the memories of him crying from the pain and loss, and then she has to face it directly by seeing his stump, seeing the pain that he's still in (because of her). She has to admit (not just to herself but to him) the damage that she did before they can move forward together. This is something that Tuon never shows herself capable of on any level. Tuon is never allowed to grow as a person the way that Attolia is, or to be vulnerable with the audience or with Mat.

I definitely still really felt the Mat-Gen comparison in this book too. Lots of places, but there's a great moment in the meadow with him, Eddis, and the Magus, where Eddis explains that Gen has deliberately made people believe that he can't fight but he also still gets miffed sometimes if people fall for his carefully constructed facade.

And the moment when Gen tells Eddis that he plans to steal the Queen of Attolia. It really feels, again, like this is the sort of vibe that Jordan wanted us to believe existed between Mat and Tuon: "She may be a fiend from hell to make me feel this way but even if I've got to hate myself for the rest of my life, this is what I want. I dream about her at night." This intense draw and this pull that he feels towards her. Jordan appears to want us to believe that Mat feels this kind of draw towards Tuon at the end of KoD but has not created any kind of foundation in Mat's characterization as to why.

We also got the long separation between Attolia and Gen where they are haunting each other with their absence. Attolia and Gen just get the time that is needed to develop this relationship in a way that's believable. Time in the story, not page time. This book is shorter than CoT & KoD, and probably shorter than if you made a "Mat and Tuon" novella out of their scenes in those books. It's the actual 'in world' time that matters, that gives Attolia and Gen time to think about each other and miss each other in a genuine way.

For another comparison -- Gen 'steals' Attolia to marry her like Mat kidnaps Tuon, but the context is so incredibly different on every level. Mat gets, essentially, tricked into kidnapping Tuon by the 'finn (it never would have happened if he hadn't heard that prophecy) while Gen acts with intention the whole way through. Technically, in both cases, Gen and Mat are 'saving' Attolia and Tuon by kidnapping them, but we feel the weight of it with Gen and Attolia in a way that we don't with Mat and Tuon. And a lot of that is because the bulk of Gen and Attolia's build-up happens before the kidnapping, during the times when they're separated and haunted by each other. So once the kidnapping happens, it's quick-paced and moves the plot forward rather than, you know, just fucking around with a circus for a month.

We also know that Attolia has complicated feelings about Gen already. I talked about this with @markantonys but that really is something that needed to happen with Tuon so much sooner than it does in the books (there are two big Mat & Tuon scenes in AMoL that desperately needed to happen back in CoT, imo -- Tuon trusting that Mat isn't trying to kill her; and Tuon going wild trying to protect Mat in the command tent).

Attolia and Gen also genuinely have things that they can each offer the other person, while with Mat and Tuon, none of the things that Tuon offers are things that Mat actually wants (slaves bowing to him; being dressed up like one of the Blood; being formal at all times - these are things that some of Mat's fans want for him, but not things he wants for himself) and she just feels like this ravenous black hole that constantly takes and takes and takes and gives back nothing of value. When Gen is startled at the realization that marrying the Queen of Attolia makes him the King and he'll have to actually be a king, it's this incredibly sweet moment, because it illustrates so clearly that he wants Attolia for herself and not her country. When Mat reacts against the idea that marrying Tuon makes him royalty, it just kinda makes him look dumb, because we've been given nothing of value in Tuon herself as a person, and no reason for Mat to care about her.

With Tuon, Mat talks about how she's better than other nobles, but nothing she actually does on the page is better than any other Seanchan noble. It's all 'footage not found'. By contrast, every single positive thing that Gen says about Attolia is backed up by the text and we even get shown additional positive qualities that no one needs to talk about because it's right there in the text.

With Tuon, it feels like Mat is attempting to gaslight me (and himself?) into believing that an interesting character exists there despite all the evidence against it, while Attolia simply is a compelling character based on what happens on the page.

That fact that there are so many raw similarities between the two pairings, but my reaction to them are so different really does illustrate the importance of execution, imo. Attolia and Gen's romance manages to travel so much further than Mat and Tuon's, while also being considerably more economical with how many pages it took to get us there.

The point-by-point comparison (aka WoT's failure of execution):

Tuon's interior life is poorly illustrated in comparison to Attolia's; because she starts off as an even worse person than Attolia but so much less character work is done on her than on Attolia, who is haunted this entire book by how she has "sunk so low as to torture boys" (on that note, Turner's choice to make Gen the younger and more openly vulnerable one really works here).

Seeing that Attolia's handmaidens are genuinely affectionate and protective of her at the end of this book is so incredibly touching, because she had no expectation of their loyalty (she believes in the loyalty of gold, and gold alone, for the most part). Tuon, otoh, has slaves that she expects to be subservient and loyal unto death, so her slaves' affection for her (that was trained into them) is something that completely fails to move me. This difference in the expectations of the character also makes a huge difference in how their PoVs come off -- Attolia's walls are due to her internal vulnerability and we get to see that vulnerability in her PoVs; while Tuon comes across as full of herself and incredibly arrogant, taking everyone around her for granted.

We're told that Tuon is smart and perceptive but rarely get any evidence; while Turner shows us Attolia's intelligence and how she sees a lot more than people like the Medes ambassador believe that she does. We get to see Attolia's intelligence in how she tricks the Medes ambassador into believing that she's so much less perceptive and intelligent than she truly is. This is another place where Jordan's unwillingness to ever place Tuon into a genuinely vulnerable position really hurt the character. Turner wasn't afraid to make Attolia the underdog and knew that it wouldn't undermine her as a character, it would strengthen her, because we would get to see who she was in adversity. The set-up of Crossroads of Twilight should have led to us seeing Tuon in adversity but Jordan was allergic to allowing her to be truly vulnerable, and gave her people to hide behind (Selucia & Setalle Anan) the entire time.

Mat as an agent of chaos is wildly downplayed in comparison to Gen as an agent of chaos. The Seanchan end up getting spared the chaos that the end of the Age brought to pretty much every other society, even though Mat seems clearly positioned to bring their society crashing down even as late as Winter's Heart. Gen's actions, otoh, are constantly throwing other people's plans off.

Mat does not behave realistically to the horrible things that Tuon says and does -- with Gen, even though we find out towards the last third of the book that he was already in love with Attolia before the book begins, we still get his raw reactions to her doing things that hurt him. He has nightmares after she orders his hand cut off, his pained begging of her not to hurt him again, and how he develops his own mask of impassiveness that is modeled on her own. Gen also never throws away his moral code in order to try to force himself to be at peace with the relationship -- he grows and changes as a character as a result of his trauma, but he stays himself at the core.

Something else that Jordan could have used more in the books that would have helped develop an understanding of why Mat believes that something exists beyond Tuon's 'cold Empress mask' would have been to make the comparison between Rand's mask and Tuon's mask more clear in the narrative. Because there's too much separation in time between Rand and Mat's interactions with Mat and Tuon's interactions. In this book, seeing that Eddis also needs to put up a queenly mask of not caring about Gen at first (in front of the Attolian guards when they return him to her after his hand has been cut off) helps illustrate why Attolia needs the mask that she uses -- Eddis doesn't trust the Attolians, but Attolia feels like she can trust absolutely no one, and so she always needs the mask and feels like she can never take it off. That's compelling! It could have been compelling in Tuon too, if it had been written better.

On that note: Turner personalizes the damage that Attolia's cold mask and her ruthless defense of herself/her country is doing by having her hurt Gen directly, and that being something that she struggles with over the course of the book. With WoT, Jordan basically did everything he could to hide away the damage that Tuon/the Seanchan were doing from Mat in order to try to justify why he could ~fall in love~ with her (was it intentional? to set their relationship up for a fall later in the Outriggers? we'll never know) without ever actually changing Tuon/the Seanchan for the better, which also meant giving Tuon no reason to have any internal struggles over the choices that she's made.

Gen and Attolia get another thing that Mat and Tuon desperately needed but that Jordan refused to give them: privacy. They negotiate getting married (after Gen has kidnapped Attolia in a much more narratively satisfying kidnapping than Mat and Tuon's!) in privacy, just between the two of them; when we get the conversation about their feelings at the end, again it happens in private. That makes a huge difference. Jordan being unwilling to ever actually yank Tuon away from her full power base and her slaves was a huge hindrance to ever allowing her to be vulnerable. And I do chalk this up to unwillingness and not failures due to plot set-up because there is no good reason to have Selucia tag along on the kidnapping and then it's even more bizarre in CoT & KoD, when the character of Setalle Anan goes from being fond of Mat to all of a sudden acting like he's the worst person in the world and she must protect poor helpless baby girl Tuon from him.

Both Attolia and Tuon get tricked by their respective love interests about who they are as a person because of the facade that they put up, but Attolia still has respect for Gen and his skills, even as she doubts his character, and it is Gen's own actions that show her who he really is and make her believe in him; while with Tuon and Mat, she spends over a month with him and still refuses to look past his surface until she literally has her face rubbed into it by seeing the Band's reactions to him. This difference is a key one in making Attolia's failure to see Gen as a failure due to the protective walls that she has up; while Tuon's failure comes across as her just not being very perceptive or intelligent. And the fact that we don't get the moment when Tuon begins to have even the faintest shred of respect for Mat until the end of Knife of Dreams just meant that I felt even more like all the pages time that Jordan spent on the two of them in CoT & KoD was a complete waste of my time.

We got to have genuine reactions from all of Gen's loved ones about the relationship! This is a huge place where, I guess, Sanderson is the one who failed for a change instead of Jordan because wtf was Perrin's "lol you married now bro? haha" reaction to Mat being married to a slaver? Though Jordan also does this to a certain extent with Thom, who we are supposed to believe is in love with Moiraine, and yet who never calls Mat out on courting a woman who would enslave and torture Moiraine if she had the chance. By contrast, Eddis is genuinely hesitant and worried because of everything they've heard about how cold Attolia is, and because she's the reason that Gen's hand was cut off.

We get to see Attolia and Gen develop a shared language and see behind each other's walls. The moment when she wears the earrings that he left for her, and he knows that it means she's chosen to marry him of her own free will is such a huge and impactful moment, and the only people who are aware of what it means are Attolia and Gen! This is really a failure that happens based on earlier failures of execution: because Mat and Tuon are never allowed to be alone together, it's impossible for them to develop this kind of shared coding and shared language.

12. We also have the 'footage not found' issue, where one of the characters (mostly Mat) tries to tell me something about Tuon but the narrative completely fails to back it up: this is the case with Tuon being intelligent and perceptive (in the narrative shown to us, she never picks up on anything until her nose is forcibly rubbed in it); and this is case with Mat thinking near the end of Knife of Dreams that Tuon belongs in the same 'better than other nobles' bucket as Talmanes when she has never shown herself to be willing to make better choices than other Seanchan nobles: he is still, at this point, worrying that she might enslave him and turn him into her cupbearer; she has not only threatened but actually assaulted his companions; whenever she's placed in a position of power over other people, she takes advantage of it and them. We're told that she's not a child but she also throws a tantrum (and pottery) at Mat at the start of Crossroads of Twilight. This could have worked if Jordan had leaned into the fact that Mat is deliberately lying to himself in order to make his marriage bearable, but that's where things like randomly having Setalle Anan go over to Tuon's side messes with that narrative.

13. When Jordan has Mat think about how Tuon dying would be a deep loss to him, it's just baffling because she has not done a single thing the entire 'courtship' that has shown why in the world Mat would feel that way. All of the attempts at reaching out during the courtship are Mat's, while Tuon just smugly accepts it as her due. Because Attolia doesn't just accept Gen's love as her due, because she actually doesn't believe him and challenges him on it, we get to hear his justification of it and why he feels that way, and then we also get to see her reciprocation. The relationship is a two-way street in The Queen of Attolia.

14. Which ties into the fact that Jordan chose to make Tuon not just a slaver but an enthusiastic slaver who enjoys the slave-breaking process and that is an incredibly dark place to start a character but it could have worked if it had been the beginning of Tuon's character arc and we'd actually watched her change and grow from that position. And she had the narrative set up for it! In her very first chapter, the reader learns that Tuon has the ability to learn to channel! She was created with the narrative juice to have a compelling arc about accepting the truth about herself and her people. And then Jordan gave that arc to Bethamin instead, lol.

15. In both of these stories 'fate' does kinda serve up Gen/Mat to Attolia/Tuon on a silver platter, but the execution of the storylines makes the reveal that fate was acting to push the two of them together so much more effective in The Queen of Attolia. Choice is a much larger consideration in Attolia and Gen's relationship than it is in Mat and Tuon's. There are elements of the higher powers of the world at work in both relationships, but Attolia and Gen have to put in the work themselves and have to face hard emotional truths in order to get us to the satisfying ending. I get the impression that Tuon wouldn't know an emotional truth if it spit in her eye. We actively see both Gen and Attolia consider and reject the idea of solving their main problem (about the war) without needing to get married; we see them choose their marriage and each other.

With Mat and Tuon, this is a lot more muddled. Fate/the Pattern/the 'finn want them to marry each other but we never get any kind of payoff as to why, and this is primarily because of Jordan's other storylines imo. He should not have had Rand already willing to make peace with the Seanchan in his separate storyline. Convincing Rand to be willing should have been Mat's job (because that also would mean that Mat would need to make the arguments to convince the readers). Jordan showing at the end of KoD that Rand is willing to make a deal with the Seanchan, even at the cost of giving in on the matter of slavery, basically completely voided any narrative reason for Mat and Tuon to get married, but without the satisfaction of seeing the two of them grow to a place where they would actively make that choice rather than being motivated by what they believe is necessary (due to prophecy).

There really were the bones of a potentially compelling story with Mat and Tuon, and I really do hope that the show (when we get there) is able to take those bones and turn it into a genuinely compelling story.

[psy--conic]

Reading the Iliad, Book 20 thoughts

This is my first time ever reading it and I know next to nothing abt greek mythology so if I interpret anything wrong by all means pls correct me

Im reading the Robert Fagles translation

The manner in which ppl were dying in this book actually had me balling my face up

This whole book was pissing me off

So Zeus calls a meeting between ALL the gods, like every single one

Zeus says "ok guys, you can all go down there, pick your sides, and help them fight. I won't stop you."

UMM LIKE THEY HAVENT BEEN DOING THAT SHIT THIS WHOLE TIME?

So everyone speeds off to the war

On the side of the Greeks, we have Hera, Athena, Poseidon, Hephaestus, and Hermes. On the Trojan side, we have Apollo, Artemis, their mother Leto, Ares, Xanthus (whoever that is lmao), and Aphrodite.

Achilles steps out on the battlefield and people start pissing themselves

And he starts looking for Hector bc revenge and all that

This is where the funniest part of the book happens (to me at least) Apollo takes the form of one of Priam, Lycaon, and he goes to speak with Aeneas.

And basically, he says "What happened to all that shit you were talking that one time? You said you'd face Achilles man to man so now's your time."

Aeneas goes "Bro why? Why are you trying to make me fight Achilles? He's super angry rn and plus I already fought him once and he chased me😔"

LMAO APOLLO ARE YOU EVEN ON THE TROJAN SIDE FR BC YOU KEEP GETTING THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS KILLED

He's the only one actively killing his own side💀

Anyway I'm very surprised that Aeneas was able to outrun Achilles of all people but Zeus was helping him escape so

We know Aeneas isn't gonna win, Apollo knows it, Achilles knows it, even Aeneas knows it so please stop wtf???

Apollo tells him "You're that son of god too, a more important god than Achilles' mother. You got this👍🏾😁."

Tho Thetis is wayyyyy older than Aphrodite so while Thetis is a minor goddess she still kinda has the upper hand

So now Aeneas has to fight Achilles

Cut to Queen Hera and she's kinda at a loss on what to do about that whole thing. Aeneas isn't fated to die at this moment but Achilles also cannot die either rn soooo.

Poseidon speaks up and tells Hera to just leave it alone and that their side is stronger than Apollo's. If they block Achilles or keep him from fighting then they will do something.

He, Hera, and Athena leave to go sit within the fortress of Heracles. Ares and Apollo join them too.

Lmao so Aeneas and Achilles come face to face and Achilles is like "Who told you that you could fight me🤨?"

So it's not looking good

Achilles tells him that he won't even get the same glory from killing him that a son of Priam would get. Then he brings up how Aeneas ran from him that one time

Turns out that when Aeneas ran from Achilles he actually ran to Lyrnessus which ended up leading Achilles there too, resulting in the town being sacked and the women being enslaved.

Fun🙂

Re-remembering why Achilles needs to die

But I wouldn't wanna get chased by Achilles either, that's some scary shit

Aeneas goes on one of those "Here's my entire family line starting from the Mesozoic era." rants

I did find out he was related to Ganymede (yes that one) though I forgot exactly how

Anyway, they start fighting. Aeneas throws his spear at Achilles, and Achilles is fully excepting it to pierce his shield but it was literally made by a god for a demi-god so the sper only manages to get through the first two layers of it

Achilles throws his spear which goes clean through Aeneas's shield but does not hit him

Aeneas picks up this huge rock (Homer says it's so big that not even two men could have lifted it) and gets ready to throw it

Poseidon shuts that shit down there and then bc again, neither one can die here

Poseidon says that he feels bad for Aeneas and that Apollo hyping his fucking head up shouldn't be what gets him killed.

THANK YOU Apollo is damn near killing everybody

So Poseidon pulls down this mist over Achilles' eyes and gets Aeneas tf out of dodge

"You need to stop right now" - Poseidon

"My bad" - Aeneas🧍🏾‍♂️

The mist is lifted from Achilles' eyes and he says something about how the god are cheating

Achilles then launched into a very large killing spree. He puts his spear through one man's head, causing his brain to splatter the inside of his helmet, spears another through one ear and out the other, he cuts someone's liver out, and slices a man's head off so fucking cleanly that the bone marrow from his neck drips out.

I would never fight any war knowing Achilles was on the opposing team

In the middle of all that Achilles kills Polydorus who is the youngest son of Priam, I believe who, naturally is Hector's brother.

Hector sees this and he does not like that at all so he starts making his way toward Achilles

When they meet Hector says that any battle they have is up to the gods and so because of that Hector has a chance of winning.

No you don't

Hector throws his spear at Achilles, only for it to be knocked away by Athena

Achilles tries to attack Hector but Apollo shrouds him in a mist so that Achilles can't see him

"You're lame and the only reason you haven't been killed by me is bc you have a god helping you"- Achilles

Honestly that's why MOST ppl haven't died in this story (except Patroclus ig lmao)

Then Achilles tells Hector that since he cant kill him right now, instead he's going to kill anyone he can catch.

ACHILLES IS SUCH A FUCKING SUPER VILLAIN BRO😭 evil ass

And he does that

The end

[all-pacas]

The first time Chase meets his baby nephew. Either he flies down to oz or his sister comes to visit in Jersey.

Noah's dad was Indonesian, a chem major at the University of Melbourne. He and Ellie'd only dated two months, but had left it on good terms: she hadn't bothered telling him she was pregnant, but had been thrilled when Noah'd come out dark and small, at all the comments from Claudia and her country club friends, the pity and distaste it inspired. Ellie was determined her son would grow up scrappy. A survivor. Like her. She wonders a lot what Robbie'd think, but when Noah is born -- Noah Robert Chase -- they already hadn't spoken in well over a year.

-

"I thought of you on mum's birthday," Robbie says, his voice tinny and distant over the phone. Mum's final birthday, she'd been in hospital. Not their dad's, of course: a public one in the city. Mum hadn't known or understood the day; neither had Ellie, really. They'd gone to the zoo instead, just her and Robbie. Her brother had always been a coward.

It's been three years, she thinks, but she isn't trying to vengeful: "Yeah," she says. "Look, I have to get Noah to daycare --" The silence thickens. Ellie realizes too late. "My son -- I'll call you back?"

"Sure," says Robbie, and she knows he doesn't believe her.

-

She wants a cig. Her fingers itch, and once the thought hits her she can't think of anything else: she can practically taste it. She is trying to quit, has been trying to quit on and off since she got pregnant. Holds Noah's hand in hers and keeps bringing her free hand to her lips, sucking and picking at her fingers. They take the trolley -- Ellie can't get a driver's license -- and she taps her fingers against her thighs and plays a game of how many people think I'm an addict, even though her therapist has told her it's unhealthy.

Does Robbie think I'm an addict. Had a son out of wedlock -- God. Crackbaby, she thinks. Dumb slut. The specific way Claudia's mouth pinches whenever she has to introduce her as Elle, my step-daughter. Kisses Noah at the gate and manages a few friendly words with his teachers before Ellie bolts. Finds a shop, cheap no-filter cigs, chain smokes four of them on the street before she feels calmer. Thirsty, too, of course.

She has her three year sobriety chip, but Ellie had also bought herself a ring for each anniversary -- cheap, sterling silver, one per finger. Something she can look at, touch, twist around as a reminder. She goes back into the shop and buys a lemonade. It's not the same, but it helps.

-

Ellie manages to kill three hours before she calls her brother: only when the phone is ringing does she, frantically, try to convert the times, but Robbie picks up almost right away.

"Hey!" she says.

"Hey."

"Sorry. I had to get my son to school." Three hours away, she thinks, wincing. She has a ground floor flat that runs alongside a narrow lane barely wide enough for a car. She likes to pace it, she paces it now. It reeks of bins and garbage.

"That's alright. Sorry for calling out of the blue," Robbie says formally. It's hard to tell over the phone, but he sounds more American than she remembers. She chews her thumb. "How old is he?"

"Almost three. I'm sober, you know," she adds, and then she can't seem to stop talking: "I stopped the moment I found out I was pregnant. I haven't done a thing since. I go to AA, I have a therapist, I --"

"Danielle --" he says. He's always been the only one to call her that. "I'm -- that's great. I'm glad." She wonders if he was going to say I'm proud of you.

"So why'd you call?"

"Dunno. I was thinking about you." It's been so long since she's seen him, but she can imagine Robbie vividly: eyes skirting to the side, hair in his face, thinking he's so subtle when he isn't.

"You have kids yet?" she asks.

He's silent a moment. "No. I - ah, I got divorced. A while ago."

"Oh." She'd always sort of assumed he had a huge house in one of those fancy American suburbs, two kids -- a boy and a girl -- and a pretty wife. Alyssa, her name was, right? Elaine? She paces. Kicks an empty bottle ahead of her on the lane, kicks it again.

"You're married?" he asks her after a long-ish pause.

"No. Never was. I like his dad, though. I'm not some slut --"

"Okay," Robbie says, and she can just about see him rolling his eyes.

"He's Indo," she adds. "Noah's dad. And Noah. Half." She hopes Robbie will say something like our dad would hate that. Maybe he thinks it, but he doesn't say. She chews her thumb. The nail is gone to the quick, red and sore and a little bloody. "He's real smart, talks a mile a minute, I don't know where he gets it honestly. Good looking lad, too, he's going to have it made when he grows up a little."

"I'd like to meet him," Robbie says, and he's smiling, she can hear it.

"Next time you're home."

"Yeah?"

She said it without thinking. Falls silent, bites her lip. Kicks the bottle again. There was a reason she and her brother stopped talking, wasn't there? But now that they are, Ellie can hardly remember it. "Yeah," she says. "He'd love to meet you."

[blackswaneuroparedux]

What 'War and Peace' is to the novel and 'Hamlet' is to the theatre, Swan Lake' is to ballet - that is, the name which to many people stands for and sums up an art form.

Robert Gottlieb

It’s hard to believe that Swan Lake’s original premiere was seen as disastrous. When it first performed on 4 March 1877, at Moscow’s Bolshoi Theatre.

Tchaikovsky’s magical ballet tells the story of the doomed love of Prince Siegfried and Princess Odette. Prince Siegfried goes out hunting one night and chases a group of swans – one of them transforms into a young woman, Odette, who explains that she and her companions were turned into swans by the evil Baron Von Rothbart. The spell can only be broken if someone who has never loved before swears an oath of undying love and promises to marry her. The Prince declares his love to Odette and promises to be loyal forever.

At a grand reception at the palace, the Prince must choose a bride – but he can think only of Odette. Suddenly a fanfare announces the arrival of two guests - it is Odette! The prince dances with her and asks for her hand in marriage. But it’s not Odette - the mystery woman is the daughter of the evil von Rothbart, Odile. Odette has witnessed the whole scene. Too late, Siegfried realises his mistake.

Siegfried follows Odette to the lake and begs her forgiveness. She says she forgives him but nothing can change the fact he broke his vow. They decide to die together. The lovers throw themselves into the lake.

There are a few different theories as to how Tchaikovsky came up with the idea for Swan Lake. Though the libretto is based on a story by the German author Johann Karl August Musäus The Stolen Veil, many of Tchaikovsky’s contemporaries claimed that he was deeply fascinated by the tragic life story of Bavarian King Ludwig II - sometimes called the Swan King - who died under mysterious circumstances by drowning himself in a lake.

It is likely that Tchaikovsky chose Ludwig II as the prototype of Prince Siegfried. It is easy to tell that the composer clearly enjoyed working on the music for Swan Lake, as he wrote far more material than would ever be required. As a result, the version most commonly performed today is, in fact, an edited one, created after Tchaikovsky’s death and significantly shorter than the original work. 

Considering that Swan Lake is currently the most frequently performed ballet in the world, it's hard to imagine that it was a failure upon its premiere, with near unanimous criticism of different production aspects. Critics were universally disparaging, claiming the production was indistinctive and forgettable. They disliked the set and the choreography, thought the orchestra and dancers were subpar, and thought Tchaikovsky’s score was too complicated. The dancers who performed in the ballet’s premiere also declared Tchaikovsky’s music was too rich to accompany their balletic moves, and simply too difficult to dance to.

Because of these distractions, the actual brilliant score by Tchaikovsky got largely overlooked amidst the chaos.  Although a few critics did recognise the virtues of the masterful score, it was considered far too complex for ballet, too “noisy” and too “symphonic”, resembling the grand, weighty music of Richard Wagner. Even the initial ballet dancers deemed the music too difficult to dance to as its density clashed with the fluid and graceful balletic movements.

One of the issues for the premiere performance was the absence of the Bolshoi’s prima ballerina, Anna Sobeshchanskaya. Sobeshchanskaya rejoined the production as Odette/Odile in April 1877 but insisted on making certain changes to the choreography and score. Two years later the original choreographer, Julius Reisinger, left Moscow and was replaced by Belgian choreographer Joseph Pater Hansen. Hansen set about re-staging Swan Lake, launching his new version in January 1880.  All 33 performances of the ballet between 1877-1883 sold out, attesting to the ballet’s increasing popularity amongst audiences.

A planned revival of the ballet in the early 1890s was cast into doubt by the death of Tchaikovsky in November 1893, who didn’t live to see the ultimate success of his ballet. Tchaikovsky had written far more material than was ever required, and after his death, Riccardo Drigo took on the job of revising Tchaikovsky’s score, with the approval of his brother Modest Tchaikovsky.

The revised and edited version – commonly the version of the score used today - is considerably shorter than the original, full-length work. It premiered on 15 January 1895 by the Maryinsky Ballet at the Maryinsky Theatre to overwhelmingly positive reviews.

Call it what you like - Dance of the Four Swans, Dance of the Cygnets, The Four Little Swans - but for me the pas de quatre from Swan Lake is one of the most iconic dances in one of the most iconic classical ballets of all time. It is a coveted role for a ballerina, one that requires technical precision and teamwork. The light-hearted Dance of the Cygnets involves 16 pas de chat performed by four dancers moving sideways in exact unison with their arms interlaced. 

I’ve always found its spirit of sheer innocence and beauty breath-taking to watch. I’m left with wonder restored and a distinct feeling of the flight of innocence coming back to rest in my hardened heart.

Video: Royal Ballet's Swan Lake (2018)

[taranida]

The first (probably? maybe?) book Alan Wake forgot he had written

Always, Alan, always.

Alright, in my last post I left a few questions unanswered and I want to clear them up one by one. I honestly didn’t believe that so many people would read the theory, and am very grateful for the attention it has received. This whole blog was created to write down everything my brain (and my dear fellow theorist J) cooked up after playing and replaying AW, AWAN, Control and AWII, and I would like to sort it all by writing about each point in details. It helps to make it make sense and notice the holes.

Now, let’s cut to the chase. The first point I mentioned last time was:

in the guide for the first game we can read excerpts from the book “Taken by the Dark Presence” found in a shoebox that has no author, but has initials of T.Z. and J.Z. on some pages, apparently written in the late 1960’s. And, oh boy, I have lots of questions for this one!

I will lay out what I’ve found and then my thoughts about it, and also how it all ties to “who wrote what”, because the buzzing question of “who wrote whom”is not something I’m interested in exploring atm. At least not until I will deal with the whole “Thomas ‘Tom’ Zane” mystery.

So, the book from the shoebox titled “Taken by the Dark Presence”. It’s filled with tips and tricks about enemies that we encounter on Alan’s journey and how to deal with them. Obviously, there is a lot of info, but I’ve chosen bits that are important for my purposes. Here are those excerpts from it:

It is stated, as you can see, in the introduction to this section of the guide, that focuses on fighting the Taken and Poltergeists, that the information is drawn from the book of an unknown writer, who composed it in the late 1960, with a little hint of initials and a huge hint of the POV being Thomas Zane’s: “corporeal form is my Barbara. My dear, sweet love.”

It does go against my theory of Thomas spending a week with Barbara-the-Dark-Presence in the cabin, not going outside to face Taken; after all, the info there is a text book of “tell me it was written by Thomas Zane without telling it”. If not for mentioning the Dark Presence wearing Barbara’s skin, it would be fine on that account; we have strong evidence that Taken were lurking around even before Thomas wrote his piece to bring Barbara back. Yes, Robert “The Colonel” Hambleton’s article will be repeated here:

And the end result of the poor writer’s visit:

All point to Thomas actually being in the midst of fighting and fleeing, although I cannot even start guessing for what and from what, I will again stress out two pieces of information that point to the Dark Presence playing the role of the loving Barbara, as it was written by Thomas:

And Cynthia’s words:

“The witch looked like her, but it wasn’t. Barbara was sweet. He didn’t understand until it was too late. He tried to undo it, wrote himself, her, everything he’d ever written out of the world.”

Thomas, as we can guess, didn’t understand who hid behind Barbara’s face for some time, and, when he did, was free to tie her, carve her heart out and write this secret poem, mentioned in “This House of Dreams”, that allowed him to escape, giving up his body to the Bright Presence, and drag the real Barbara’s essence (soul, spirit) with what was left of him into a safe heaven, their personal paradise. So, why would he run into the forest and fight bulldozers and Taken?

He didn’t. There is one little thing that makes this book’s author surely not Thomas — the flashbangs. I’m in no way a weapon enthusiast, let alone, specialist, but I’m alright with search engines. As far as the history of this particular grenade goes, it was invented by the British Army in the late 70s and adopted by the US some years later. Thomas Zane, who lived only till 1970, couldn’t have knowledge, let alone, this very item on his hands at the time. Yet it’s clearly stated in the book: “flashbang attacks if possible” and “coax numerous enemies around you, and then drop a flashbang”. In the first game even Alan is surprised to find this weapon not in the police cars:

And he lives in 2010, when flashbangs are already a known weapon, although, as I understand are not so easily obtained by civilians (if not at all; I’m not from US and can rely only on the info from the internet). It seems as if this particular bunch of flashbang-nades was placed there by some otherworldly means.

Taking all that, my belief is that “Taken by the Dark Presence” is a book written into reality by Alan — to help him on his journey — after he decided to make himself a protagonist in the story the Dark Presence was forcing him to write. Through the “Writer in the Cabin” TV’s we see how he slowly changes his stance on his “editor”, how he realises that something is wrong and he must change the story, giving himself the best chance to survive to save Alice (and not to plunge the world into eternal darkness preferably). That will also explain the J.Z. initials on the pages of the book: Alan, during that week, was not thinking clearly and could just mess names up.

As a side note, I’m extremely new to tumblr and have no idea how people here get into conversations, for me the comment section is the way to go, but I see rebloggs with tags or ideas I would love to discuss and have no clue what to do with them. I would highly appreciate if anyone who wants to add something or chat about a post to make themselves known in the comments as well. Or a message; both are great.

[misfitwashere]

The single most important thing to listen for in tonight's debate

The Roots of Trumpism, Part 11

ROBERT REICH

OCT 1

Nixon and Teamsters president Frank Fitzsimmons 

Friends,

Tonight, JD Vance will almost certainly try to out-Trump Trump, setting himself up to be Trump’s heir and likely Republican presidential candidate four years from now. 

Listen carefully to Vance and you’ll probably also hear shades of Richard M. Nixon, because it was Nixon who first began peeling blue-collar workers away from the Democratic Party. Trump and Vance are the lineal descendants of Nixon — as well as Nixon aides Chuck Colson and Pat Buchanan.

Nixon wanted to undo FDR’s New Deal coalition and claim the mantle of the white working class for himself and the Republican Party. Using racism and cultural populism, he made some headway, which Ronald Reagan built upon. Trump and Vance are the latest manifestations. 

The decision of the Teamsters Union not to endorse any presidential candidate this year has roots in that Nixonian strategy. The Teamsters endorsed Nixon in 1972, Ronald Reagan in 1980, and George H.W. Bush in 1986. 

Some years after Teamsters president Jimmy Hoffa went to prison for jury tampering, conspiracy, and mail and wire fraud, Nixon henchman Colson helped negotiate Hoffa’s release. When in prison, Hoffa had named as his successor Frank Fitzsimmons, who became one of Nixon’s strongest supporters. 

Nixon and Colson wanted the Teamsters and other unions to break with the Democrats. The Vietnam War provided the first big opportunity. 

Colson can be heard on a White House tape recording made on May 5, 1970, urging several New York union leaders to organize an attack on student anti-Vietnam War protesters in New York. 

Two days later, on May 8, more than 400 construction workers attacked around 1,000 student demonstrators (including two of my friends) protesting the war. The workers were armed with lengths of steel rebar, their tools, and steel-toe boots. They carried U.S. flags and chanted “U.S.A., all the way” and “America, love it or leave it” as they chased and assaulted students in the streets.

More than 100 people were injured; most required hospital treatment. My friends who had been demonstrating against the war phoned me later that day. They had escaped injury, but they were traumatized. I remember them describing the rioting construction workers as a “pack of animals.”

Nixon exploited the riot for political advantage. His chief of staff, H.R. Haldeman, wrote in his diary: “The college demonstrators have overplayed their hands, evidence is the blue-collar group rising up against them, and [the] president can mobilize them.” 

Nixon aide Patrick Buchanan wrote in a memo to his boss that “blue-collar Americans” are “our people now.” 

Peter Brennan, president of the Building and Construction Trades Council of Greater New York, claimed “the unions had nothing to do with” the riot, but his claim was bogus. Just before the riot began, Brennan rallied construction workers to show support for the war. Brennan explained that workers were “fed up” with violence and flag desecration by anti-war demonstrators. 

In the days after the riot, Nixon invited Brennan and a delegation of 22 other union leaders to the White House. They presented Nixon with several hard hats and a flag pin, after which Nixon praised the “labor leaders and people from Middle America who still have character and guts and a bit of patriotism.”

After the 1972 election, Nixon appointed Brennan labor secretary. In that position, Brennan strongly opposed affirmative action. He also prevented Labor Department officials from investigating allegations of corruption in the Teamsters Union and of Fitzsimmons, who had helped secure labor support for Nixon’s reelection.

Colson’s dirty work didn’t end with the hardhat riot. He assembled Nixon’s “enemies list” — people who would be subject to intensified IRS audits.

Colson also hired E. Howard Hunt, a former CIA agent, to spy on Nixon’s political opponents. Hunt then led a break-in of the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate building in June 1972. (Colson later became the first member of the Nixon administration to be imprisoned for Watergate-related felonies.) 

Nixon thought he could succeed by emphasizing cultural issues involving nationalism and class as well as race and gender. Buchanan said the Republican Party should embrace these growing working-class resentments. “The Republican moment [depends on the GOP taking] up the challenge from the left on its chosen battleground: the politics of class, culture, religion, and race.” 

The construction workers who attacked the demonstrators on May 8, 1970 and the police who egged them on were more likely to have family and friends in Vietnam than the college students who demonstrated. Many were veterans of World War II and Korea. They also lived in the same working-class neighborhoods. They despised the protesters as a bunch of pampered, long-haired, draft-dodging, flag-desecrating snots.

These blue-collar workers felt abandoned by the middle class and the college-educated who deserted their communities; they felt stiffed by the clever kids with draft deferments; they resented being forced to bus their kids to Black neighborhoods and accept Black kids into their schools; and they were burdened by an economy no longer delivering upward mobility. As the journalist Pete Hamill observed at the time, the workingman “feels trapped and, even worse, in a society that purports to be democratic, ignored.”

Buchanan ran for the Republican presidential nomination in 1992 and in 1996. Although he lost both times, he won about a third of the Republican primary vote, chiefly from the party’s blue-collar members. He ran again in 2000. Although he lost once more, his ideas began taking root in the party. He argued that Republicans should oppose the North American Free Trade Agreement, take a stronger stand against immigration, and support Russian president Vladimir Putin because he was anti-gay.

Buchanan’s rallies prefigured Trump rallies two decades later. The crowds he drew included many men wearing military fatigues. The press corps traveling with Buchanan were reviled and subjected to the same verbal threats that have become commonplace today. 

The cultural populism peddled today by Trump and JD Vance is almost the same as that of Nixon, Colson, and Buchanan — and with the same purpose: to capture an angry and disaffected working class. 

But I believe Republican cultural populism would never have got this far had Democrats been more willing to follow FDR and embrace economic populism. (More on this to come.)

[stark-stiel]

okay so we all agree that the reason that chase failed to dom harvey in love hurts is cause he’s not a dom, right?

[delurkr]

Anne and James and sibling OCs in 1948

1948 being the year Anne and James married. Penelope is Anne's sister, and everybody else is James's family.

Cropped sections are further down. There's some connections from @108garys 's Super Massive Family Tree that play into everything (here's their portrait of older Penelope), and I'll leave it to them if they want to refresh everybody on the details. (Edit: 108garys gave lore in the notes). Some of the OCs have more lore than others, but I'm not getting into it here or doing deep dives about personalities and all that, so I just stuck together very non-deep little likes/dislikes/favorite activities lists for everyone. But first some notes on the art:

I went for a balance between dressy and casual, so most of these wouldn't be everyday outfits but none of them are formal either.

Nobody has naturally curly hair. Shirley has a perm, and Anne and Penelope use only curlers. (Unlike the other two, Penelope doesn't curl it every day).

If Anne's dress looks piecemeal that's because it is. Around 1948 was when women's fashion was transitioning from shorter wartime styles (minimum fabric) to longer hemlines, but ofc most women didn't just toss out all their old clothes, so the new things they bought were in the new style, while they also continued wearing what they had and sometimes altered their shorter things in various ways. The white border on Anne's dress is a recent addition, and so is the embroidered pocket because big pockets were also fashionable and it was intended to make the border look more like it belongs.

Shirley uses a brace, a built up shoe, and sometimes a cane due to effects from having polio when she was very young.

Bob has been in the U.S. Army for four or so years and he's currently a corporal. If part of his uniform is inaccurate then oh well because there were some details I just wasn't finding clear answers on (do point it out if you know something that's wrong tho). Also that's his hat he's holding in case it's hard to tell.

Ok now for the other stuff:

Anne, age 17 -

Likes: Dancing; recycling; Frank Sinatra music (don't spread it around); telephone party lines; the scratchy sound of crossing things off her to-do list.

Dislikes: Noisy children; poetry; men's cologne; bleached blonde hair; house pets; wrinkled clothes; rain on her hairdo; complainers; people with bad posture; anonymous love letters; being late; people who are late; unraked leaves; these peasants (most of the boys at school); being told she's too opinionated.

Favorite activities: Growing plants, mostly flowers; taking the mick out of James ❤

Penelope, age 8 -

Likes: Bicycling; puppies; reading, mostly fairytales; sticky sweets; movie stars.

Dislikes: Mud; talking to strangers; not having had her first kiss yet; never getting the lowdown after Anne's dates.

Favorite activity: Eavesdropping on the phone party line with Anne.

Shirley, age 24 -

Likes: Card games; chickens; picnics; reading; red on just about anything.

Dislikes: Snow; frogs; Bob; the sound of her own voice.

Favorite activity: Canoe rides to read on the open water. Her preferred victims to accompany her are James (she'll use her oldest-sibling authority for as long as she can) and whoever she happens to be dating (is that a weird date? idk but she calls it a no-go with a guy if he can't handle the quiet time).

Bob (Robert), age 22 -

Likes: Arm candy; being outside; cheating at card games; beer; animals, especially wildlife; pulling practical jokes on April 2.

Dislikes: Peas; serious conversations.

Favorite activities: Hunting; chasing women. (These things are not connected).

James, age 19 -

Likes: Holidays; history; picking dumb arguments; playing hockey when the pond freezes over; reading; PDA with Anne ❤

Dislikes: Waiting; hand-me-down clothes; being called Jimbo; having glasses.

Favorite activity: Finding money on the ground.

Clarence, age 11 -

Likes: Pocket knives; pirates; model train sets and dollhouses type stuff.

Dislikes: Surprises; hugs; getting up early; "old" people; getting his picture taken (that one's partly a joke, because I accidentally drew him looking a little moody for no reason).

Favorite activity: Fixing appliances and things around the house (under supervision because "fixing" is a bit of an overstatement. He can take things apart but has yet to learn how to properly put them back together).

Kathy (Katherine), age 7 -

Likes: Parties; collecting things; Brothers Grimm-style fairytales; terrible creature horror B movies.

Dislikes: Bugs, especially bees; nightmares from the terrible creature horror B movies.

Favorite activity: Poking dead animals. Trips to the butcher and dead mice found in the attic are her lifeline for now until she starts doing dissections in school. She definitely doesn't store said mice under her bed in jars she stole from the kitchen.

~~

Cool so now that everyone is sufficiently grossed out I'll leave it here for now 😊 Stay tuned I guess because sooner or later I'm going to follow this up with the three youngest when they're older, around 1959 because that was a happening point in time for them. And lastly, 108garys is free to hate anything I wrote because we share the OCs but I consulted them on very little of this lol.

[weirdestbooks]

United States of Idiots (Wattpad | Ao3)

I'm not tagging all the states

Alabama-Eel Rain

“Dad, I have a bit of a problem,” Alabama said. America quickly turned to look at him. He looked fine physically, but his face was distressed.

“Are you okay? Do you need any help?” America asked. Alabama shook his head, but his distressed look remained.

“Something happened.” Alabama began, “In a town called Coalburg. And I don’t know how it happened. I’m still trying to process it myself.”

“What happened?” America asked, nervous.

“I’m not sure how to say it,” Alabama said, rubbing his arm. 

“Whatever you say, I’ll be able to handle it,” America told him. Alabama sighed and removed his hand from his arm.

“You sure? It’s a bit of an odd one.” He asked with a raise of his eyebrow.

“Yes,” America responded. He wanted to know what was making his son look so distressed.

“It started raining eels.”

“How the hell does it start raining eels?”

Alaska-Mayor Stubbs

“Aang Adax̂. I need you to meet one of my mayors, Mayor Stubbs.” Alaska asked, walking into America’s office.

“Sure. What for?” America asked, spinning a pen between his fingers. Alaska shuffled his feet, a nervous habit of his. That worried America. He hoped nothing bad had happened.

“I can’t say. Just come with me.” Alaska said before walking out of the room.

—————————————————

“This is a cat.”

“It’s the mayor.”

“It’s a cat.” 

“That is also the mayor.”

“Alaska, why the hell do you have a cat as mayor?”

“I mean, technically, it’s honorary because the town is a historic district, but I think he’s the best mayor I’ve ever had.”

“…Please don’t let your siblings know about this.” 

“Too late. Besides, Cali had a dog as mayor once.”

“Cali had a what?”

Arizona-Owns the London Bridge

“Dad, I own the London Bridge now!” Arizona exclaimed as she walked into the room. America hoped he misheard that because what the fuck.

“You own the what?” America asked, staring at her in confusion. 

“The London Bridge!” She repeated. How on earth does she own the London Bridge?

“How?” America asked. Arizona smiled.

“The British were selling it, and one of Souri’s people bought it. Now it’s in my state!” Arizona explained.

“Why were they selling the London Bridge?” America asked, utterly confused. He didn’t understand his children at all.

“The bridge didn’t support modern traffic and needed to be replaced.” 

Britain was now on the list of people America didn’t understand. 

“So they decided the best plan of action was to sell it? Who buys a bridge that can’t support modern traffic?” America asked. America knew his people were a bit crazy, but seriously? This? 

“Robert P. McCulloch. And we fixed it so it can support modern traffic.” Arizona stated with a smile.

“Well, that’s something at least. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to contemplate my life choices.” America said before standing up to leave the room.

“Well, while you do that, I’m going to tell Britain about this!” Arizona declared before rushing off. America froze before he went to chase after her.

“He doesn’t know you exist! Ari, do not tell him that!”

Arkansas-1876 Fayetteville Newspaper fistfight

“Don’t you hate it when two newspapers get into a fight, and the loser has to leave town?” Arkansas remarked from behind America.

“What?” America asked, turning to look at him. 

“That happened yesterday,” Arkansas stated as America stared at him in confusion.

“What? Why?” America asked. 

“Editorial differences,” Arkansas explained unhelpfully. 

“Why was a fistfight the answer to that?” America asked, still incredibly confused. He would have expected very different political opinions to start a fistfight, but not that. 

“Well, it was nice talking to you,” Arkansas said before leaving.

“What? Ark, you can’t just leave without explaining that! Ark!” America called out to his son unsuccessfully before sighing. “You know what? I’m probably better off not knowing.”

California-The Gender Reveal Fire

“There’s a terrible fire in my state right now,” California said, walking toward America, who sighed.

“Cali, there's always a terrible fire in your state.” He pointed out. California nodded.

“I know,” California said with a resigned sigh. 

“What caused this one?” America asked, expecting to hear the usual answers of unattended campfires and equipment malfunctions.

“A gender reveal party,” California stated. 

“Huh. That’s new.” America remarked.

“Thought you’d be more surprised,” California said. 

“It’s 2020.” America said with a shrug, “I’ve learned that being surprised is a waste of my time.”

“Fair enough. Now I’ve got to stop myself from burning to the ground again.”

Colorado-3 governors in a single day

“Hello, Colorado. Who have you elected as your new governor?” America asked upon seeing Colorado come home. Colorado sighed.

“Sit down because this is going to be a long story,” Colorado said.

“Oh no, what happened this time?” America asked as he sat down on the couch.

“Alva Adams won the election.” Colorado started. America nodded.

“Okay, so why do you sound so distressed about it?” America asked.

“Because then my legislature declared his opponent, James Peabody, governor, but on the condition that he immediately resign so that his lieutenant governor, Jesse McDonald, could be governor.” Colorado finished. America stared at him.

“Why?”

“Election fraud accusations.” He stated. 

“Okay, but why make James Peabody retire?” America asked. Colorado shrugged.

“I don’t know the exact reason, but hey, now I’m the only state to have three governors in one day!” Colorado said. America put his head in his hands.

“Don’t do this again.”

Connecticut: Putting A Cat on House Arrest

“Hey, Dad, I have to go watch a trial,” Connecticut said, getting ready to leave the house.

“Who’s trial?” America asked.

“Ruth Cisero. Her cat violated his restraining order and house arrest.” 

“A restraining order.”

“Yes.”

“On a cat?”

“Glad to see you were listening,” Connecticut remarked as America stared at him before groaning. 

“I hate this. Why must you be like this.” America said. Connecticut smiled.

“It’s a perfectly reasonable action to take,” Connecticut explained.

“It’s a cat, Nutmeg,” America said.

“I’m well aware that it’s a cat. But he violated his restraining order, so now his owner is on trial. Anyway, I’ll be off now,” Connecticut said before leaving.

“It’s days like this where I regret being a dad.”

Delaware-Money Rain in Lewes

“I love my people!” Delaware exclaimed as he reappeared in America’s house.

“I’m glad you do, but what made you want to announce it?” America asked. Delaware smiled, looking like he was holding back a laugh.

“Someone died, and in his will, he asked someone to drop 10,000 dollars off of a helicopter that was over Lewes,” Delaware exclaimed before bursting into laughter. America let out a small laugh.

“I can’t believe they would do that.” He said.

“You should always respect a dead man’s wishes. Besides, it was awesome.” Delaware said.

“I bet it was. At least it’s better than that one time Alabama had it rain eels,” America remarked. Delaware gave America a blank stare before he opened his mouth.

“I’m so glad I’m not part of the South anymore.” Americasnorted.

“You say that like being a part of any other region is better.”

Florida-Throwing dead fish into Alabama 

“Hello, my beautiful children. Flor, please stop hitting Al with dead fish.” America said as he walked into the kitchen, not batting an eye at Florida’s latest antics.

“You’re not even going to ask why?” Alabama asked as he ducked under a fish that was heading for his face.

“It’s Florida.” Louisiana, Iowa, and America remarked.

“Well, you have a point,” Alabama said before getting hit in the face. “FUCK!”

“This competition is so much more fun when I do it to Alabama in person,” Florida said with a laugh. 

“What competition?” America asked, causing Louisiana and Iowa to groan.

“I didn’t want to know,” Iowa muttered.

“I have a competition where my people and I go to the Alabama border and throw dead fish into Alabama!” Florida explained. The room was silent for a moment before Alabama loudly exclaimed.

“Well FUCK you, Florida.” America sighed. Why was Florida like this? 

“It’s days like this when I get concerned for Florida’s mental stability,” Iowa remarked.

“So, every day?” Louisiana asked, raising his eyebrow.

“Yeah, exactly.”

“I CAN HEAR YOU!”

Georgia-Three governors controversy 

“Dad, something awful happened today,” Georgia said as she approached America. America immediately began to examine her, making sure she wasn’t hurt.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt? What happened? Was Soviet involved?” America asked, trying to keep panic from his voice. Georgia shook her head, and America let out a sigh of relief.

“Eugene Talmadge, the governor-elect of my state, died today,” Georgia said. 

“I’m sorry,” America said, but before he could continue, Georgia cut him off.

“That’s not even the worst part, Dad. We don’t have a plan for who becomes governor if that happens. And now three people are claiming they are governor of Georgia!” She exclaimed. America winced. That would not be fun for either of them.

Why did this have to happen now? America was busy dealing with so much other stuff.

“Who are the people claiming to be governor?” America asked.

Georgia said, “Ellis Arnall, the outgoing governor; Melvin E. Thompson, the lieutenant governor-elect; and Herman Talmadge, Eugene Talmadge's son.” 

Well, America has no clue why the hell Herman Talmadge thinks he has a fucking claim to the Georgian governorship because now all he’s doing is making things more complicated, which is precisely what they all need right now.

“Tell Herman this isn’t a goddamn monarchy and that he has no reason to claim governorship.” Georgia smiled.

“Gladly.” 

Hawaii-Mailing a coconut

“Oak, you need to fix your mailing system,” Hawaii said, walking into the room holding a dried-out coconut.

“What's wrong with it?” Oklahoma asked, looking slightly offended.

“I can’t send this coconut.” Hawaii said, holding up the coconut to reveal it had ‘The Lower 48 are idiots’ written on it.

“Hey! And if you want to send a coconut, put it in a box.” Oklahoma said. Hawaii sighed.

“Okie, in my state, we can send coconuts by themselves—no box or anything,” Hawaii explained.

“Why?” America asked. Hawaii shrugged.

“It’s just something we do. And Okie’s state won’t let me do it!” Hawaii complained.

“Because normal people don’t do that!” Oklahoma defended himself before turning to America. “Dad, tell her that normally people don’t do that.”

“Please, we’re American states, and none of us are normal,” Hawaii said. America nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, the two requirements for being an American state are that you have to be insane and not get along with anyone else,” He added. Oklahoma threw his hands into the air.

“I’m not insane! Not all of us are!”

“You're a part of the US. If you think we aren’t insane, you’re the most delusional of us all.”

Idaho-Wallace, the Center of the Universe

“I have the center of the universe!” Idaho exclaimed, rushing into the living room.

“This is you being petty about getting back at me, isn’t it?” America asked, causing Idaho to nod with a smile.

“You can’t prove that the lead pollution is coming from my mines near Wallace, just like you can’t prove Wallace doesn’t have the center of the universe,” Idaho said, crossing her arms.

America groaned. Why did his family have to be so petty over the dumbest things?

“You can’t disprove that lead pollution might come from the mines,” America argued.

“And you can’t disprove that Wallace isn’t the center of the universe.” Idaho countered. America sighed.

“I can’t…that’s the most frustrating thing about your petty revenge,” America said. Idaho smiled.

“That was the point.”

Illinois-reversing the flow of the Chicago river

“I’m going to reverse the flow of the Chicago River!” Illinois exclaimed, walking up to America, who sighed. What is it with his states and fucking around with rivers? And why the fuck is Illinois even attempting this? What’s the point, other than to spite the universe?

“Why?” America said in a resigned voice. Every time his kids made an announcement like this, America began to regret his life choices more than he usually does.

“To prevent pollution from contaminating Chicago’s drinking water,” Illinois explained.

“Oh, thank god there’s an actual reason,” America muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Illinois asked, raising his eyebrow.

“I thought you were doing it to spite the universe at first.” 

“As much as I love spiting the universe, my people’s well-being comes first,” Illinois said. “Now I have to go spite the universe for my people’s well-being.”

Indiana-Robin Hood is a communist.

“I’m telling you, Kota, he’s a communist!” America heard Indiana exclaim. America groaned. Not another one. Dealing with all of these accusations of communists was exhausting, and America hated having to deal with this.

Mainly because he wasn’t getting a lot of sleep, and it was getting harder and harder to keep track of who to trust.

“Who’s a communist?” America asked, entering the room.

“Robin Hood,” Indiana stated with a serious look.

“Goodnight, everyone,” America said before leaving the room.

“It’s 1 in the afternoon.” North Dakota said.

“Yep. Goodnight. I will be in my room questioning my life choices.” 

“Dad, it's a reasonable accusation. Just let me explain.”

“I’d rather question my life choices, Diana.”

——————————————

“You should have told me Robin Hood was a member of the Communist Party,” Soviet said as he walked by America. America sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“It was not me,” America muttered, wondering how Soviet had already discovered Indiana’s ridiculous idea.

“I know. But you get blamed since the others don’t know about your states.” Soviet said, “Now I’m off to tell my allies about this.”

America groaned upon hearing that. He hated Indiana so much for this.

“AME, WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK ROBIN HOOD IS COMMUNIST!?”

Note to self: Find something dumb a Soviet state has done and use it to embarrass Soviet.

Iowa-Creating sliced bread

“I’ve changed the world as we know it. Things will never be the same. You will all be in awe of what I have done and respect—” America cut off Iowa’s rant.

“Did anyone die?” America asked because the last time someone changed the world drastically, they shot an Archduke in the head and started the Great War. 

“Wha—no!” Iowa said, looking confused. America let out a sigh of relief.

“Oh, good. So what did you do?” America asked. 

“One of my people made a machine.” Iowa started before pausing. America raised an eyebrow.

“A lot of people make machines.” America deadpanned. Iowa rolled her eyes.

“Shut up, Dad. This machine can slice bread.” Iowa finished. Finally! This was great news. Now, America didn’t have to spend half an hour cutting bread because his children were too lazy to do it themselves.

“Iowa. Don’t tell anyone this, but you’re my favorite child now.”

Kansas-flatter than a pancake

“It’s official,” Kansas said, causing America to look up from his work.

“Well, that’s ominous and vague. Mind explaining?” America asked. Kansas smiled.

“I’m officially flatter than a pancake,” she said before bursting into laughter. America opened his mouth, trying to find something to say, but he couldn’t. So he settled for smiling and putting his face in his hands. His people were an odd bunch.

Suddenly, America heard loud footsteps running down the hall before Nebraska kicked the door open.

“Braska the door!” America said, looking at his son, who was smiling in a way that made America feel like he was planning something.

America hated when his kids had that smile because it usually meant a lot of headaches for him.

“I heard the news! I told you you were a flat bitch!” Nebraska yelled, pointing at Kansas. 

“NEBRASKA!”

“I might be flat, but I can still kick your ass!” Kansas said before rushing at Nebraska, who quickly ran out of the room. America stood up quickly, knocking his chair over before rushing after them.

“Kansas, don't kill your brother, please!”

Kentucky-Their Relationship with Their Governor

America was talking with Virginia and West Virginia when Kentucky walked by, carrying the same picture he had been for the past couple of months.

“Hey Ken, why do you carry a picture of your governor?” America asked, curious.

“Because I want to fuck him.”

America began making distressed noises as he stared at his son, feeling himself die inside. Kentucky, however, simply smiled at America, like he didn’t just say one of the most horrible things America ever heard.

“Oh, what the fuck.” America muttered to himself, “What the everloving fuck Ken.”

“What? Is there a problem, Dad?” Kentucky asked. America just continued to blink at him in shock.

“Ken…what...I...what…why...why...why...I wish...I wish you were still a part of Virginia.” America finally managed to stammer out. If he were still part of Virginia, America would have never had to hear that statement.

“Oh fuck no, Tucky is not rejoining my state. He can keep whatever the fuck that is on his side of the border.” Virginia protested, causing West Virginia to nod.

“We all know I hate to agree with Ginny, but I’m on her side for this one. Tuck, stay the fuck away from me.” She said before walking out of the room.

“I don’t know why y’all think that’s weird. A lot of my people want to fuck him as well.” Kentucky explained, although his explanation just made everything so much worse.

“NOPE! Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.” America said as he stood up and began walking out of the room, Virginia following.

“I’m going to disown Ken, I swear to God,” America muttered.

“Do it. Please. For my mental well-being.” 

Louisiana-Laws are based on the Napoleonic Code.

“LOUISIANA!” New York yelled, marching into the room. Louisiana raised an eyebrow.

“Yes?” She said.

“Why is your legal system so weird?” New York demanded, crossing his arms.

“What do you mean by weird?” Louisiana asked, setting the book she was reading aside.

“I was talking to a lawyer from your state, and they said a bunch of things about your legal system that I’ve never seen in the legal systems of any other state.” New York explained.

“Because Ana’s legal system is based on Napoleonic Code and Spanish Law, not English Common Law like the rest of the states,” America explained. New York made a weird face at that. There was a brief pause before New York spoke.

“You really are the Frenchest state of us all,” he said, shaking his head. 

“I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be a compliment, but since it’s you, I’ll take it as an insult,” Louisiana said. New York scowled and flipped off Louisiana.

“I hope you have to deal with someone else’s legal system. You won’t understand it, and I’ll find it funny.” New York said, causing Louisiana to roll her eyes before leaving the room.

“The East Coast is so unpleasant sometimes,” Louisiana remarked.

Maine-Hawaii 2

“Hey, Hawaii, I have Hawaii 2,” Maine said, walking into the kitchen.

“What?” America asked, Hawaii voicing her own confusion.

“I have Hawaii 2, and Cards Against Humanity own it,” Maine stated.

“I’m so confused.” America said, “How do you have Hawaii?”

“I don’t.” Maine said with a shit-eating grin, “I have Hawaii 2.”

“Maine, did you legalize some drugs recently? I think you might be on some,” Hawaii said. Maine looked offended.

“You wound me, sister. We don’t need drugs to act like we’re on them.” Maine stated, causing me to burst into laughter.

“That is true. Want to explain what you’re talking about, though?”

“No,” Maine replied, causing Hawaii to let out a frustrated sigh before she grabbed her phone.

“I’m going to Google it then.” She said, causing Maine to try and grab her phone, initiating a small fight between the two. America ignored them and proceeded to Google “Hawaii To Maine” and got a bunch of flight information.

Wait, he’s a dumbass.

America then proceeded to Google “Hawaii 2 Maine”.

“Why the fuck did Cards Against Humanity buy an island in Maine and rename it Hawaii 2.”

Maryland-PETA and Old Bay Fighting on Billboards

“PETA can’t be serious about Marylanders giving up crabs, right?” America heard Delaware ask as America walked past Maryland’s room.

“I mean, if PETA thinks you’ll give up chicken, they’ll think Maryland will give up crabs,” Virginia added. America poked his head into Maryland’s room just as she spoke.

“Thank goodness for Old Bay, fighting back the way they are,” Maryland said.

“Old Bay is fighting PETA? How? Are they sending people to fistfight each other in a Denny’s parking lot?” America asked. The states snorted before Delaware and Maryland broke down into laughter.

“They aren’t, but now I really wish they were. Mary, we should try to set that up,” Virginia said, to my surprise. She was always the mature one, and joining in on her siblings' hijinks wasn’t very common.

“Then what are Old Bay and PETA doing?” America asked.

“Arguing via billboard,” Maryland explained with a shrug. 

“PETA’s trying to convince Marylanders to become vegan and not eat crabs. Old Bay is saying that Marylanders should eat crabs and make sure to put Old Bay on said crabs.” Delaware explained. America snorted.

“Marylanders giving up crabs? The likelihood of that happening is about as likely as Michi and Hio saying they like each other.” He remarked.

“I know! They even set up signs telling us not to eat chicken! I’m Delaware! Why the fuck would I give up chicken!” Delaware said, causing Virginia to laugh.

“The only two animals on these billboards are the only two animals that anyone in Delmarva will never give up, which makes the entire thing funnier,” Maryland said. 

“So PETA’s being an idiot, and Old Bay is your hero?” America asked. Maryland smiled.

“Dad, Old Bay has always been my hero.”

Massachusetts-Great Molasses Flood

“Mass? Why are you covered in molasses?” America asked, trying to keep a laugh out of his voice as he looked at his son, who was covered head to toe in molasses, and looking significantly more pissed off than he usually did. Did one of his siblings do that to him?

“A tank of molasses exploded in Boston and flooded the street,” Massachusetts explained. A flood of molasses. That must have been a sight to see. As he imagined that, America gave a little laugh, causing Massachusetts to glare at me.

“A lot of people are dead, Dad.” He said. America’s mood became somber, and he sighed.

“Oh. I’m sorry. It wasn’t the answer I was expecting. I thought York might have done it. Are you okay?” America asked. Massachusetts shook his head.

“Being stuck neck-deep in molasses was awful. I thought I was going to drown. It was so sticky and hard to get out of and-” Massachusetts said quietly, his breath hitching. America went to hug him, ignoring the molasses that stuck to him.

“I’m sorry that you had to deal with that molassacre,” America said. Massachusetts groaned.

“Really? Now?” He asked. America smiled apologetically.

“Sorry. I couldn't help myself.”

“I’ll forgive you if that doesn’t become the name for that incident.”

“I’m sure it won’t. Now I’m stuck to you, so let’s get someone to help separate us.” America said. He probably should have thought this through more. Molasses is very sticky.

————————————————

“DAD YOUR SHITTY PUN IS A NAME FOR THE MOLASSES FLOOD! FUCK YOU!”

Michigan-Pig running for Mayor against two criminals during the Flint Water Crisis.

“There’s a pig running for mayor of Flint,” Michigan said, walking into the room. This prompted America to slam his hands down on the table.

“FUCKS SAKE! First, it was Cali, then Alaska, and now you? Stop electing animals as mayors!” America said with a resigned sigh before groaning.

“Well, I mean, the other option is a criminal,” Michigan added, prompting America to groan again.

“Michigan, why is this your mayoral election?” Michigan shrugged.

“I mean, it could be worse.” He said. America raised an eyebrow.

“You have a pig and a criminal running for mayor.” He deadpanned. Michigan shrugged again.

“Ex-criminal, technically. And yes, it could be worse. We could have an Ohioan running for mayor.” Michigan said. 

“Michigan Ohioans are not worse than criminals,” America said, knowing Michigan wouldn’t listen. America had told him this a hundred times already.

“Fuckeye and his people are worse than criminals. Are you going to forget about how he tried to kill me and stole Toledo?” Michigan said, crossing his arms.

“I’m not going to get into this argument. Have fun with your election, and for fucks sake, don’t elect a pig.”

Minnesota-3 year old Mayor

“Dorset’s new mayor is adorable!” America heard Minnesota say as she updated herself on recent events in her state.

“That’s a weird word to describe one of your mayors,” America commented as he stretched and tried not to fall asleep.

“I mean, he is three,” Minnesota said. What the fuck? Why does America trust these guys to run elections again?

“And I am more sleep-deprived than usual, or are you just as bad at electing mayors as the rest of this family?” America asked, hoping that he might have misheard her.

“If I say you’re sleep-deprived, will you not be disappointed in me?” Minnesota asked, causing America to sigh.

“Why can’t anyone have normal mayoral elections?” America asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

“Uh, 'cause it’s boring? And annoying you is fun.” Minnesota explained. America sighed.

“That seems about right. Anyway, I’m going to sleep because maybe in my dreams, this family will be normal,” America said, standing up. Minnesota snorted. 

“Well, I’m taking that as a challenge. Prepare to see me in your dreams, Dad.”

Mississippi-Banning Sesame Street

“I can’t believe you’re watching that offensive show! It’ll poison the minds of children!” Mississippi screamed from the next room. America rubbed his head and prepared for the oncoming headache as he made his way to the room.

“Fuck you, Sippi, you’re just being a racist asshole!” America heard New York yell back.

“People aren’t ready for that kind of show! Its influence could be used for evil purposes. I won’t allow it!” Mississippi argued back.

“What is going on here?” America asked, entering the room. New York and Mississippi glared at each other while Wyoming and New Mexico sat on the couch, and Sesame Street played in the background.

“The Yankee is watching an offensive show.” Mississippi accused. America stared blankly at her.

“It’s a show that teaches things to preschoolers.” America said, raising an eyebrow, “How is that offensive?”

“That’s my point! Besides, if anyone needs a show that teaches things, it’s Sippi.” New York remarked, causing Mississippi to punch him.

“Fuck you!” She cried at the same time America yelled, “Sippi!”

“Sippi, you can’t ban a show for preschoolers! And you can’t punch your brother!” America said.

“Glad you see I’m high on your list of priorities.” New York said, holding his sleeve to his nose to stop the blood flowing.

“No! I am not unbanning that offensive show!” Mississippi said, crossing her arms.

“Sippi, literally everyone is mad at you because you banned it. Why do you think we’re watching it now?” New Mexico said, raising her eyebrow.

“Yeah. Unban the show Sippi.” Wyoming said.

“Fuck you all!”

Missouri-Honey War

“Hey, Dad, where can I put these beehives?” Missouri asked. America stopped what he was doing.

“Beehives? Why do you have beehives?” He asked.

“Some of my people were trying to collect taxes, but the people wouldn’t let them, so we took the beehives as compensation,” Missouri explained.

‘The land belonged to the Iowa Territory, not Missouri!’ Iowa Territory yelled, causing America to sigh.

“Does this relate to your border conflict with Iowa Territory?” He asked. Missouri looked slightly guilty before his face hardened.

“Maybe. But it’s my land,” Missouri insisted. America sighed. He hoped this didn’t end like the Toledo War, with Iowa Territory hating Missouri for the rest of her life.

“Missouri, try to avoid starting conflicts with Iowa Territory before we resolve the border issue,” America said. 

“So I shouldn’t’ve sent my militia?” Missouri asked.

“You sent your militia?!” America asked, shocked, “Missouri! We don’t need a repeat of the Toledo War!”

‘He’s not respecting the borders between him and me.’ Iowa Territory chimed her, voice furious.

“Sorry, Dad, but my governor wanted to protect the tax collector. It’s fine. We won’t repeat the Toledo War.” Missouri promised. 

“I don’t trust you not to, so I’m going to see if I can get Congress to interfere before things get out of hand,” America told him. Missouri shrugged.

“Fair enough. But I’m keeping the beehives.”

Montana-Horse in a Hotel

“Some idiot just got himself shot because he wanted to take his horse to his hotel room,” Montana said. America groaned as he realized he was about to be told a story he wouldn’t like hearing.

“What happened?” America asked in a resigned voice.

“Cowboy wanted to take his horse into the Grand Union Hotel and got into a gunfight with the manager. He died, and they found fourteen bullets in his body.” Montana explained. Well, that’s not a situation America ever expected to happen.

“With the manager?” America asked, “He got into a gunfight with the manager of all people?” 

“Yes. You shouldn’t mess with managers in my state.” Montana said with a smile.

“You shouldn’t get into gunfights with managers in general,” America told her, trying to process the strange story. 

“I mean, the manager did refuse to let him ride his horse in his hotel room.” Montana tried to reason.

“That’s not a good reason to start a gunfight!” America argued, throwing his hands into the air.

“Sure it is.” 

“MONTANA!”

Nebraska-Making Queen Elizabeth the Second a Nebraska Admiral

“Queen Elizabeth the Second has command over my navy. She’s an admiral.” Nebraska announced.

“You don’t have a navy,” Iowa said instantly.

“How do you make the Queen an admiral of a state?” Vermont asked.

“Don’t we hate the British?” Colorado commented.

“We do.” Oregon responded, before turning to Nebraska, “What the fuck Braska.”

“You are a triple landlocked state,” America stated. Nebraska looked around at all of them.

“None of you are very much fun. I hope you realize that.” Nebraska said.

“I know I’m not fun. Now, do you want to explain why you’ve made the Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland an Admiral of your non-existent navy?” America asked. Nebraska grinned. 

“Why not? It’s funny.” Nebraska responded.

“Also incredibly confusing,” Colorado added.

“We should tell your dad,” Oregon said, turning towards America.

“No. First, Dad doesn’t know you exist, and you want to keep it that way. Second, there is no way in hell Dad’s ever going to find out about it,” America said.

“I’ll use my navy to force you to tell him.” Nebraska threatened. America rolled his eyes.

“I’m shaking in fear.” America deadpanned.

“I knew you would be terrified of the might of Nebraskan goldfish.”

Nevada-Area 51

“I know what they’re planning, but what do you expect me to do? I’m not going to be the idiot that tries to stop them. That’s Dad’s job. Or DC’s.” America heard Nevada say. Since it sounded suspicious and he knew what his kids were like, America decided to see what he was up to.

“Hey, Vada,” America said, walking into the room. Nevada looked nervous, a phone held to his ear.

“I’ll call you back,” he said before hanging up. “Hey, Old Man. What do you need?”

“What are you doing?” America asked. Nevada smiled.

“Planning on reading Area 51 with everyone else. Of course, Area 51 doesn’t know that, and they want me to make sure my siblings don’t do that.” Nevada explained. America snorted.

“You’re siblings would never listen to you. Noi might have been the one who joined the mafia, but you definitely know the mafia. Wait, the mafia isn’t coming to Area 51, are they?” America asked as a sudden realization came to him. Nevada snorted. 

“Why would the mafia do that?” Nevada asked.

“Because you can make people do crazy things, that's why,” America told him. Nevada answered with a shrug.

“Fair enough. Although I will admit, I’m surprised you aren’t going to try and talk us out of this.” Nevada remarked. 

“None of you listen to me,” America stated. Nevada shrugged.

“True. Don’t worry about the Area 51 raid anyway. Nothing bad will happen.” America crossed his arms.

“The last time you said that, it ended with Apple almost falling off the Empire State Building,” America said as Nevada rubbed the back of his neck.

“Yeah….but this will go much better, I promise!”

“Just call me if anyone gets stuck on a national landmark again.”

New Hampshire-Wolfman

“I’m not traumatizing children by having a man with a gun chase them.” America heard New Hampshire say as he walked by a room. America groaned.

“Hamp, that’s exactly how you traumatize someone, especially children,” America said as he walked into the room. He couldn’t believe he was giving this lecture again.

“Hamp, from personal experience, I can tell you that chasing kids with a gun is going to traumatize them,” DC said. New Hampshire looked offended. 

“Don’t worry. It's just a tourist thing. It's all in good fun,” New Hampshire explained.

“Like the pirate thing I have in Lewes where a man chases a pirate boat with a water gun, and the kids get to fight him off with water cannons,” Delaware said.

“Water guns make sense, but an actual gun?” DC asked, turning towards New Hampshire, who shrugged.

“Hey, at least it doesn’t use real bullets,” she said. America sighed. That was something, at the very least.

“It’s a gun! That you’re pointing at children!” DC said. Delaware laughed.

“Come on, Dee. It’s not that bad. It’s all supposed to be for fun, so if someone really couldn’t handle it, they’d take them off. You don’t need to be so uptight all the time just because you're the capital,” Delaware said. 

“Yeah, but all of you come up with really bad ideas that end with someone almost falling off the Empire State Building!” DC said. That was a fair point. The states were good at coming up with “good” ideas that normally ended badly.

“ONE GODDAMN TIME DEE!” Nevada yelled from somewhere else in the house, causing New Hampshire and Delaware to snicker.

“Dee, not all of our plans end that way.” New Hampshire said, “It’s fine, even if it is a bit odd.”

“Just get off their back, Dee. You know just as well as I do that they aren’t going to stop it. Let ‘em have their fun. They know what they’re doing.” America said. 

“We do?” Delaware asked, causing New Hampshire to elbow him in the side, “Ow, geez, Hamp, I was only joking.”

“I know.” New Hampshire responds with a smile.

“Then why’d ya hit me?” Delaware asked, rubbing his side.

“It’s funny.”

“New England really is full of assholes.”

New Jersey-Suing New York over Ellis Island

“Dad, I'm suing New York.” New Jersey announced, marching into America’s office. Well, at least New Jersey was just suing him instead of attempting to declare war like some other states would have tried.

“You are? Why?” America asked. New Jersey scowled.

“Because he didn’t show up for court last time! Because he’s taken my land! Because even though we split the Hudson River and I gave him Staten, Ellis, and Liberty Island, he’s still been a complete asshole!” New Jersey said.

“FUCK YOU THE DIRT I ADDED WAS MINE!” New York yelled, bursting into the room.

“What?”

“I added land onto Ellis Island from my state, and now New Jersey is trying to claim it as his!” New York accused, causing New Jersey to attempt to attack him. America grabbed New Jersey and pulled him back before sighing.

“I thought we solved your border dispute,” America said with a groan.

“We did until York decided to expand Ellis Island!” New Jersey argued.

“With my dirt, which means it’s my land!” New York argued back. America groaned and rubbed his forehead. This was going to cause one hell of a headache.

“This is going to the Supreme Court, and for fucks sake, show up this time York.” 

New Mexico-Parties fight on the Plaza.

“THE PARTIES ARE FIGHTING!” New Mexico yelled, bursting into the room. America stared at her. 

“New Mexico, the parties are always fighting,” America stated. 

“I mean, the parties got into a gunfight.”

“WHAT?” America said, shocked, “Goddamnit.”

“Nine people are dead now, and soldiers had to be sent to help out.” New Mexico added on.

“At least there’s no way that situation can get worse,” America muttered. New Mexico held up a hand.

“Actually, it can!” She said, sounding way too cheery. America groaned.

“What now?”

“The judge that was supposed to investigate said that investigating was too hazardous to his health, so no one is being prosecuted.” New Mexico added on.

“Why? Why does shit like this have to happen?”

New York-Removal of Hell Gate Rocks

“I’VE FINALLY DONE IT! AFTER SEVENTY YEARS!” America heard New York’s triumphant and slightly hysterical cry echo throughout the house. Well, that sounds like something he should be concerned about. America stood up from his chair and walked over to the room New York was in.

“What did you do?” He asked. New York laughed something that sounded both strained and relieved.

“I finally removed all of the Hell Gate rocks—every last one of them. We just blew up Flood Rock today. Three hundred thousand pounds of explosives.” New York said as he collapsed into America’s arms.

“That’s what that was?” New Jersey asked, entering the room, “I was in Princeton, and I think I felt that explosion. You really don’t half-ass things, do you, Yorkie?” 

“Don’t call me Yorkie.” New York muttered, his voice muffled since his face was buried in America’s shirt. 

“Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie. Yorkie.” New Jersey repeated as he walked out of the room. New York groaned and gave New Jersey the middle finger.

“Are you going to stand up now, or are you planning on staying there?” America asked New York.

“I’m tired. That project took forever, and since I was working on it a lot, it took a lot out of me. Now I just want to sleep.” New York mumbled. America laughed and picked New York up.

“I’ll take you to your room, Apple. Go to sleep. I’m glad you had your fun blowing up rocks.”

“Yeah, blowing up rocks is fun. The real question is when I’ll be allowed to blow up Jers,” New York mumbled.

“You’re not blowing up Jersey,” America said.

“You say that now, but it’s Jers. You’ll let me blow him up someday.” 

North Carolina-The Frying Pan Tower

“Dad, is it okay if I leave for a week and stay in Frying Pan Tower?” North Carolina asked, walking into the room.

“What’s the Frying Pan Tower?” America asked.

“It was an old coastguard station. Now it’s a B&B, and I want to stay there for a week,”  North Carolina explained.

“Where is it?” America asked.

“39 miles southwest of Southport, in the Frying Pan Shoals,” she answered. It’s in the ocean, so it's no wonder she’s asking for permission; she's probably not going to be able to contact anyone.

Maybe America should consider going there during election season.

“Why a B&B in the middle of the ocean?” he asked. North Carolina rolled her eyes.

“You know how this family is. I want to ditch them, and I don’t want them to be able to get to me easily.” She explained.

“Oh, I know why you’re leaving, and it’s an amazing idea. I mean, why would someone turn an old coastguard station into a B&B?” America clarified. North Carolina shrugged.

“Don’t ask me, I don’t know.” North Carolina said, “It’s just one of those weird things our people are so fond of doing.”

“I have to go there during election season, though.”

North Dakota-Electing a dead guy to the House

“Hey, Dad, you know one of the guys I elected to the House? There might be a bit of a problem,” North Dakota said as he walked into the room, rubbing his neck.

“What kind of problem?” America asked. After the year he'd had, he really didn’t want to deal with any more problems.

“David Andahl, someone I elected to the House, is…well...well, he’s dead.” 

“Goddamnit. I hate this year with a burning passion. How did you elect a dead guy, and why are you planning on doing about it, Kota?” America asked.

“He died while he was running because of COVID. And we’re letting the Republican Party pick a replacement. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, so we’re good on handling it.” North Dakota said. America groaned. How on earth did North Dakota elect a dead person before? 

“I want to ask how you’ve elected a dead person before, but I’ve decided I’m better off not knowing. I’m glad you know how to handle this. Thanks for letting me know, and please don’t elect any more dead people.” America said. North Dakota smiled.

“I will be making no promises.”

Ohio-Lighting the Cuyahoga River on fire 13 times

“Goddamnit, the Cuyahoga River is on fire again,” Ohio said, causing America to blink at him in confusion. How do you set a river on fire? And what does he mean again?

“Again?” America asked.

“Yeah, it’s the thirteenth time it’s happened. It’s super annoying.” Ohio commented, seemingly unbothered by the fact that he has a constantly on-fire river.

“I think you should be more concerned about that river if it’s always on fire. And try to figure out why that river is always being set on fire.” America stated.

“I know why it’s always being set on fire,” Ohio said. America threw his hands in the air.

“Then why aren’t you doing anything about it?” America questioned.

“Listen, Dad. The river is polluted, but if the river is polluted, it means the industry is doing well. It’s normal. So I’m good with having a few fires if it means my industry is doing well,” Ohio explained. America stared at his son before sighing deeply.

“I’m going to create a government agency that enforces pollution regulations. No matter how “normal” it is to you, a river shouldn’t be set on fire thirteen times,” America explained. 

“Fine. But can I push Bitchigan into the river first?” Ohio asked. America groaned. He hated their rivalry sometimes. Well, most of the time.

“No.”

Oklahoma-Longest Jail Term

“I just sent a man to prison for 30,000 years,” Oklahoma said as he entered the room. 

“30,000 years,” America stated, hoping he had somehow misheard that.

“Yes”

“Not even we’ve been able to live that long! The oldest countryhuman I know of is around two thousand!” America said. Why would Oklahoma send a man to prison for 30,000 years? Why not a life sentence? Why was this their choice of action?

“I’m well aware of that, Dad,” Oklahoma said, crossing his arms.

“Isn’t that a little excessive?” America asked. Oklahoma shook their head.

“No. The person was a child rapist.” Oklahoma responded with anger in his voice. Okay, that asshole definitely deserved 30,000 years.

“Maybe you should add in some more years,” America said. 

“I wish, but some people are mad at the decision because it’s excessive,” Oklahoma said.

“Well, I think it’s reasonable, and for some reason, people think I can control the states, so I guess what I say goes.”

Oregon-Blowing up a Whale

“I have some advice for you. Don’t blow up a whale expecting it to blow the whale into the ocean. It will not work and instead will spread whale pieces over your state.” Oregon said as she walked into the room. 

“That’s oddly specific. You blew up a whale, didn’t you?” California asked, pointing their finger at Oregon. Oregon blushed.

“I have the right to remain silent.” She said, crossing her arms.

“Ore, why did you blow up a whale?” America asked with a sigh. Why was his family like this? This could be considered America’s fault, as he raised them, but he didn’t teach them to be this chaotic.

“We needed to get it off the beach. We thought it would go into the water.” Oregon protested.

“And it didn’t,” Washington stated. Oregon sighed.

“And it didn’t.”

“You’re a dumbass,” Washington said.

“Shut the fuck up, asshole,” Oregon responded.

“So, how badly did blowing up the whale go?” America asked, hoping to stop an argument before it happened.

“A whale piece destroyed a car. That’s about as much as I know.” Oregon said with a shrug.

“Geez,” California said.

“Yeah, so learn from my mistake and don’t blow up whales or Uncle Wales,” Oregon said. America groaned. He should have seen that pun coming.

“That’s a dumb joke,” Washington remarked.

“Well, you have a dumb face!” Oregon shot back.

“Both of you are children,” California remarked.

“Shut up, Cali!”

Pennsylvania-Beating Hitchbot to Death

“I’ve murdered a robot!” Pennsylvania announced, causing some of the states to groan and America to sigh.

“Well, at least it’s not me.” New Jersey muttered. 

“I can make it be you.” New York said.

“No murdering Jersey Apple. And Penny, what do you mean you murdered a robot?” America asked, as always, slightly concerned for the mental well-being of his children.

“Remember Hitchbot? That thing one of your brother's people made?” Pennsylvania asked.

“I hope you realize how little the word brother narrows it down,” America said.

“OK, fair enough. I meant Canada.” Pennsylvania clarified, “Anyways, Hitchbot arrived in Philly, where it was stripped and decapitated.”

“Penny!” 

“What, it's Philly. What do you want me to do?” She asked.

“Not kill my brother’s robot! Penny, he’s going to get mad at me for this!” America said, groaning.

“So the robot hitchhiked across Canada, Germany, and the Netherlands and is an internet sensation and you just killed it?” New Jersey asked. Pennsylvania nodded.

“Well, at least she didn’t murder any of us. Have fun dealing with your angry brother, Dad.” New York said before leaving the room. America groaned.

“Penny, no more robot murders.”

Rhode Island-The Big Blue Bug

“Rhode, what the fuck is that?” America heard Kansas say. He looked at the two states to see Rhode Island holding a hideous blue bug plush toy.

“It’s Nibbles Woodaway. Well, a plushy version of him.” Rhode Island.

“What does the actual one look like?” America asked. Rhode Island smiled.

“He’s a nine-foot-tall, fifty-eight-foot-long blue termite that overlooks I-95,” Rhode Island explained. What the hell? Who makes a giant blue termite? Why would you make one?

“That sounds hideous. What the fuck is wrong with you.” Kansas asked. 

“Nibbles Woodaway is an amazing feature of my state! How dare you insult him!” Rhode Island said. 

“You small states need to get a life instead of making giant bugs,” Kansas responded.

“Rhode, I don't care about you making giant bugs, but can you at least make them look nice and not like creatures of my nightmares?” America asked.

“Nibbles Woodaway does look nice!” Rhode Island protested.

“It’s hideous.”

“This family is awful. I should have stayed out like everyone thought I would.”

“Shut up, Rogue's. We're doing this for your own good.” Kansas said.

“And for my mental well-being, I really don’t need any reminders that Nibbles Woodaway exists.”

South Carolina-Raining Creamer

“Dad, it’s raining creamer in one of my towns.” South Carolina said.

“How the fuck does that happen? Why doesn’t it rainwater? Why are you states always having the weirdest rains?” America questioned quickly. He can’t believe this is happening again. America thought the eels were bad enough, but creamer?

“The plant had exhaust vent issues and released the creamer power into the air. Then it rained creamer.” South Carolina said with a shrug.

“I hope you’re planning on fixing that,” America said. South Carolina rolled her eyes.

“Of course, I’m planning on fixing it! I’m not going to let my people breathe in creamer. Why would you think I would do that?” South Carolina said.

“Because all of you are really weird and crazy. Plus, I don’t understand you states sometimes.” America said.

“Ok, I will agree that we are crazy, but I’m not going to let it rain creamer forever.” South Carolina said.

“I WOULD!” Florida yelled from somewhere in the house.

“Of course he would.” America sighed.

South Dakota-Meth, we’re on it.

“So I’ve started a new project, and it has an amazing slogan,” South Dakota said, walking into the room where America was having a conversation with Vermont. America turned his attention to her, as he was always interested in the things his states did independently, even if some of them were…unique.

“What’s the slogan?” Vermont asked.

“Meth, we’re on it.” South Dakota said with a serious look on her face. Vermont burst out laughing as America stared at South Dakota in disbelief.

What kind of slogan was that? Was South Dakota doing meth? Probably not, but why would that be the slogan if she wasn’t? What…what was happening?

“Dak, what the fuck are you doing?” America asked as soon as he found his voice, hoping to get an answer as his stunned brain continued to process the information given to him. Who the fuck has a slogan that’s ‘Meth, we’re on it’? Unless they’re on meth, which America sincerely hopes South Dakota isn’t doing.

It’s days like this when America regrets being a dad.

“Meth, apparently,” Vermont said before he burst into laughter once more.

“I’m not on meth, it's the slogan for my government’s anti-meth actions.” South Dakota explained, which only confused America more.

“Dak. Why the fuck is that the slogan for anti-meth stuff?” America asked. South Dakota shrugged. America pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.

Why were his kids like this?

Tennessee-Hung an elephant

“Dad, if someone were to hypothetically hang an elephant, do you think it’s animal cruelty?” Tennessee asked. Well, that’s definitely not a hypothetical question. America sighed.

“Nesse, what did you do?” America asked. 

“I think we both know.”

“Why?” I asked. 

“She killed a keeper, so we had her executed,” Tennessee said.

“I think there are much more effective ways to kill an elephant than hang it.” America said before he was hit with a realization, “Wait, how’d you even manage to hang an elephant?”

“Industrial derrick,” Tennessee responded. America nodded.

“Now, don’t tell Florida about this because he will try it, and I really don’t want to deal with that,” America said. Tennessee shrugged.

“I won’t tell him, but you know he’ll figure it out anyway.”

Texas-The Texas Archive War

“So, how do you like being an American state?” America asked Texas. 

“It’s more dysfunctional than I thought it would be,” Texas remarked. America laughed.

“No country functions perfectly well. We’re all dysfunctional.” He said.

“You’re probably right. I once had a war with myself over moving my archives,” Texas said. America turned to face him.

“You what?” America asked. Texas nodded.

“Someone shot at the people moving the archives with a cannon,” Texas added, sounding way more excited than he should. America sighed.

“Texas, you are going to fit into this family so well,” He remarked. Texas smiled, but he also seemed a bit nervous. 

“Should I be concerned that a dumb thing I did is going to make me fit into the family?” 

“Probably.”

Utah-Banned the UN

“Dad, you should probably take a message to UN for me,” Utah said, approaching America, who groaned.

“What did you do?” America asked.

“I didn’t do anything. One of my towns, however, just banned the UN.” Utah said. What the fuck? What the fuck? 

“They did what?” America asked, making sure he heard Utah right because he very much wanted to have heard that wrong because what the fuck.

“Banned the UN.”

“Why?”

“Apparently, the UN is a threat to the country and an organization made for war and has a goal of killing...uh...I think they said something around 300,000 people a day.” Utah answered. Are you kidding me? Do people really think that?

“Holy shit,” America said, at a loss for words. Utah sighed.

“Yeah, so tell UN that he’s not welcome in LaVerkin, Utah.” 

Vermont–Put out a warrant for George W. Bush.

“There’s an arrest warrant out for President Bush now, just so you know,” Vermont said as he walked into the room.

“What? Why?” America asked, confused about how that happened and why he hadn’t heard about it.

“Two of my towns felt that he violated the Constitution, so now there’s a warrant out for him in those two towns,” Vermont responded.

“Why does stuff like this have to happen?”

“Because it’s funny, and none of us know what we’re doing.” Vermont responded, “Anyways, keep President Bush away from my state, and we shouldn’t have any problems. Although it would be funny if someone arrested the president.” 

“You’re not arresting the President,” America said. Vermont snorted.

“Tell that to the town with a warrant out for him.”

Virginia-Pineapples on Christmas wreaths 

“Ginny, what monstrosity of a Christmas wreath is that?” America heard Puerto Rico exclaim. America wondered what Virginia’s Christmas wreath looked like to get that reaction. 

He walked over to Virginia's room to see what America guessed was supposed to be a Christmas wreath, but it had a pineapple and apples on it.

“I agree with Rico. What the fuck is that.” America said. Virginia rolled her eyes.

“A Christmas wreath.” She said. Puerto Rico gave her an incredulous look.

“What universe are you from?” He asked, causing Virginia to glare at him. 

“This is a perfectly acceptable decoration in my state. I don't know why you two find it so weird.” Virginia said. Puerto Rico leaned over to America and loudly whispered.

“She’s finally lost it.” 

“I have not lost it!” Virginia said angrily. Puerto Rico smiled.

“Yes, you have. Besides, it was only a matter of time. Everyone else in this family has lost it,” he said.

“Rico has a point,” America said. Virginia glared at me.

“Not helping Dad.” 

“Listen, you have your pineapple-apple wreath, monstrosity, but when your siblings mock you, I will not defend you.”

Washington-Making it illegal to shoot Bigfoot 

“I’ve created a new law to protect an endangered species in my state,” Washington announced as he walked into the room.

“That’s nice. Which species?” America asked.

“Bigfoot,” Washington responded. America sighed.

“Why did I think I would get a normal answer?” He muttered to himself.

“Because you’ve deluded yourself into thinking we can be normal,” Washington responded without hesitation.

“Yeah, I really have. I forgot you think Bigfoot is real.” America said.

“Bigfoot is real!” Washington protested. America snorted.

“Bigfoot’s as real as my mental stability.”

West Virginia-Asking the USSR for money to fix a bridge 

“West, why the hell are you talking to Soviet?” America asked angrily as he saw his daughter and Soviet having a conversation. In his own house! Did West Virginia let Soviet in?

“Oh hey, Dad. Soviet’s going to help me fix that bridge the town of Vulcan needs.” West Virginia said.

“Oh fuck no, you are not getting money from him. I’ll make sure your government sends you the money you need.” America said, slight anger in his voice. West Virginia nods and turns to Soviet.

“Thanks for the help.” She said. Soviet nodded, a small smile on his face.

“It’s not a problem. I always enjoy an opportunity to make your father mad,” he said before leaving. As soon as he left, America turned towards West Virginia.

“You went to Soviet?!” America accused angrily.

“And East Germany. But don’t worry, I didn’t talk to his personification!” She quickly reassured America upon seeing his face. America sighed.

“You are the pettiest little shit. Don’t pull this stunt the next time one of your towns needs funding.”

Wisconsin-Crop Circles

“SUCK IT, XICO I MIGHT OF HAD AN ALIEN LANDING!” America heard Wisconsin yell. America sighed. This happened every time someone thought aliens were in their state. They yell at New Mexico.

America should probably see what this suspected alien landing was about. 

“What is it this time, Con?” America asked. 

“Crop circles in a cornfield!” Wisconsin exclaimed. 

“Are there any other options besides aliens, or are you just going with that because you think it’ll make Mex mad?” America asked.

“Both,” Wisconsin responded. America sighed.

“Can you figure out what it actually was?” America asked before pausing. “Actually, you know what? I don’t trust you to do this because you want to annoy your sister. I’ll figure out what it is.”

“Dad, has anyone ever told you you're no fun? Because you aren’t.”

Wyoming-Jackalope Hunting License

“Hey, Dad, I'll be back in an hour. I've got to get my jackalope hunting license.” America nodded before he realized what she had said.

“Your what?” America asked.

“My jackalope hunting license,” Wyoming repeated.

“The jackalope is a creature your people make up,” America said. Wyoming nodded.

“I’m well aware of that fact. It doesn’t mean I can’t get a jackalope hunting license,” she said.

“Why is that a thing, though?” America questioned. Wyoming shrugged.

“Dunno. But it’s fun.” 

“I don’t understand any of you states, and I hate it.”

Puerto Rico-the Cleaning Cult

“Padre, will you join the Cleaning Cult?” Puerto Rico asked America, who sighed deeply.

“I’ve had enough cults from the Midwest. What is this?” America asked.

“Unfortunately, it’s not actually a cult.” Puerto Rico started, causing America to mutter under his breath.

“Why couldn’t the territories have been normal?”

“Americans aren’t normal.” Puerto Rico answered before moving on with his explanation, “It’s a cleaning organization that just has cult in the name.”

“Why. Just why would they put cult in the name?” America asked. Puerto Rico shrugged.

“They’re Americans. We don’t like being normal. That’s my favorite thing about this country. Now, are you in or not?” Puerto Rico asked.

“No,” America said. Puerto Rico rolled his eyes.

“You’re no fun, Padre. If you won’t join, I’ll see if mis hermanos will.”

“Please don’t get the Midwest involved.” Puerto Rico smiled.

“Padre, it's way too late for that. Adiós.”

US Virgin Islands-Drives on the left side of the road

“I thought you were a part of Denmark before you joined the Union?” America heard Wyoming ask US Virgin Islands.

“I was, why?”  US Virgin Islands answered.

“You drive on the left side of the road,” Wyoming answered. 

“What? Vee, why do you do that?” America asked, butting into the conversation. 

“Yeah, Vee, that’s a weird British thing, and you're just a weird French-Danish-American. There’s no British there at all.” Guam said, pulling herself into the conversation as well.

“Listen, it's the British’s fault. They controlled a lot of the vehicles that were on my islands when I was in the Danish West Indies and, therefore, brought over the stupid left-side driving with them. It’s not my fault!” US Virgin Islands explained. 

“You poor soul. I’m never going to your territory.” Wyoming said. Guam snorted, and US Virgin Islands looked offended.

“Oh, come on. Just because I drive a bit differently than you doesn’t mean you can ignore me and pretend I don’t exist,” US Virgin Islands said.

“That way of driving is a problem. I’m going to deal with it the same way Dad deals with his problems: by ignoring it and pretending it doesn’t exist.” Wyoming retorted.

“Hey!” America said, offended.

“Shut up, Dad, you know Ming’s right.” 

American Samoa-Sent a petition asking for Samoa (the country) to be banned from using that name

“Tama, tell the UN that Western Samoa can’t call herself Samoa! Ban her from the name! Just do something to make sure she can’t keep calling herself Samoa!” American Samoa said rushing into my room. America sighed—Virginia vs. West Virginia, North Carolina vs. South Carolina, North Dakota vs. South Dakota.

And now it's American Samoa vs. Samoa. At least America had some experience handling this, although the states have never called for the UN before. 

“Sam, I can’t tell Samoa-”

“Western Samoa.” American Samoa retorted, cutting him off. America sighed.

“I can’t tell her to change her name. That’s her choice. Why does it bother you to the point where you’re asking the UN to get involved?” America asked. American Samoa crossed his arms.

“It makes it seem like there is only one Samoa! There are two of us!I won’t let her do this! That’s why I’m getting the UN involved,” American Samoa explained. America sighed again.

“I don’t think the UN can make Sam-Western Samoa change her name,” He pointed out. American Samoa scowled.

“That’s not going to stop me from trying. Now, if you won’t tell the UN, I'll send him a petition,” American Samoa said before walking out of the room. America sighed. 

Name-related rivalries were always so complicated.

Guam-Japanese Soldier In the jungle for three decades

“I just found a Japanese holdout soldier,” Guam announced. America groaned. Three decades and the shit was still happening. Why did it still have to happen? 

“Is anyone hurt?” America asked. Guam shook her head.

“No. The soldier is in the hospital now, in surprisingly good health.” She said.

“That’s good. Three decades have passed, and there are still soldiers who believe the war isn’t over. I can’t believe they can hide out this long,” America said. Guam nodded.

“Yeah, they are stubborn. But this man actually knew the war was over.” She said.

“He did? Is it the ‘die before being captured’ mentality?” America asked. Guam nodded, and America groaned. That mentality had and still does make everything more complicated than it needs to be.

“Three fucking decades, he’s aware the war has ended, and they still refuse to surrender,” America said.

“Yeah, it sucks. But at least I only found one holdout soldier, as opposed to Mariana.” Guam said. America groaned again.

“Don’t remind me of that insanity.” 

Northern Mariana-Queen of Anatahan

“There’s a small colony of Japanese soldiers on one of my islands who were fighting and killing each other over a woman who they later decided they had to kill.” The Northern Mariana Islands said, walking into America’s room.

“What the fuck?” America said as he tried to process the bizarre information he had just received.

“Yeah, we’re going to try to convince the soldiers to surrender, but they’ll probably refuse to believe the war is over like most Japanese soldiers.” Northern Mariana Islands said.

“Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, are we just going to skip over the ‘murdering each other for a woman they then try and murder’ part?” America asked. Northern Mariana Islands looked at him.

“Yes.” She said. “Anyways, hopefully, we can find the families of who is there and get their families to tell them the war is over and—”

“Why are we skipping over the murder bit?” America asked. Northern Mariana Islands sighed.

“Because the murder bit isn’t important. The important part is getting those soldiers to surrender.” She said. America cannot believe she just said murder isn’t important. America knows where she’s coming from, but still.

“I feel like murder is always important, but I see your point.”  

“Great. Now help me get a bunch of murderous lovesick idiots off my island.”

District of Columbia-High School using the Washington Monument as a prank

DC was laughing harder than America had ever seen her.

“Should we be concerned?” Maryland asked. Virginia and Delaware shrugged. 

“I don’t know,” Delaware said.

“Dee, what are you laughing about?” America asked. 

“Some high schoolers turned the Washington Monument purple!” She said. 

“Wait, did they really?” Virginia asked. DC nodded.

“They used lights and convinced the Department of the Interior it was an experiment.” DC began before laughing much harder. 

“Wait, I remember you telling me about someone doing an experiment there!” America exclaimed. DC smiled.

“I might have been in on the prank.” 

“Dee, I thought you were the mature one,” Maryland asked. DC shook her head.

“I’m the only one, aside from the Thirteen Colonies and Vermont, who can act maturely,” she answered.

“Regardless of your maturity, please refrain from turning national monuments purple in the future.” 

“I will make no promises, Dad.”

[bremser]

Robert Frank: Epiphany on the Rainbow Pier

In the previous post on "Covered Car – Long Beach," I looked at Robert Frank's contact sheet 537 to determine the exact location of one of the iconic photos in "The Americans." I was left wondering: Why did he drive down to Long Beach that day? Contact sheets 538-540 explain this.

The ostensible answer is Robert Frank was attending an Epiphany celebration (Feast of the Holy Theophany) of the Greek Orthodox Church, which featured a "benediction of the waters." The Epiphany celebrates the baptism of Christ by John the Baptist in the Jordan River. A wood cross is tossed into the water and young people dive in and swim after it, to see who can bring it back.

Long Beach's Rainbow Pier, since demolished

The "blessing of the water" event happened at the Rainbow Pier, adjacent to downtown Long Beach. The pier was so massive that it framed the municipal auditorium with room to spare; it was large enough that cars could drive along its loop. The waterfront area sputtered in the late 1960s and 70s, fell into disrepair and was re-developed. It was mostly filled in, today there's an outlet mall and a convention center arena, painted with the "largest mural in the world" by artist Wyland.

The Epiphany is a fixed date, January 6. In 1956, the Epiphany fell on a Friday, so this event probably happened on Sunday, January 8th. The chronology in the 2009 catalog puts Frank in Los Angeles for two months starting at the end of December, so this date fits. The church has moved locations in Long Beach in the intervening years, but this video on YouTube shows the same celebration happening in 2017 (the description says it's the 65th year, which indicates that it began in 1951).

This Long Beach work print feels a bit like one that made the final edit: "City Fathers -- Hoboken New Jersey"

Long Beach is an interesting case study in Frank's process: looking at the contact sheets, it doesn't seem like he made a single photograph of the priest tossing the cross in the water or the swimmers furiously chasing it. The one photograph that made the final edit, the "Covered Car", he discovered over a mile from the altar boys in swim trunks.

Robert Frank work print: "Automobiles -- Long Beach" it's possible, with water in the background, this was taken on the pier itself. 

An interesting comparison to Frank's photos from the Rainbow Pier are a handful of press photos taken at the same event two years later in 1958. (The USC archive identifies them as by "Emery," which may be Dave Emery, a journalist/photojournalist working in Long Beach.)

Los Angeles Examiner press photographs of "Blessing of Waters" off Rainbow Pier, Long Beach, 1958

Maybe Frank wasn't interested in this focus of action, the splashing, only the onlookers. The photojournalist shows 1950s people in the 1950s. Frank's Americans are in the 1950s, but viewed from the next era. In Japan, a photographer like Shōmei Tōmatsu was achieving the same effect: we see the Japanese of 1958, but the photographs look like they are taken from 1968. Both photographers slice open the 1950s social facade, while dispensing with the stylistic norms of photojournalism.

Shōmei Tōmatsu from "Chewing Gum and Chocolate", 1958

Spending time with his contact sheets, I'm left wondering: if Frank is able to find some of the best photos in the final edit by chance, why does he make such an effort to go to these events? Did he not realize this until he was finished the road trip? He could have picked a random neighborhood in Los Angeles closer to where he was staying. These Long Beach contact sheets, with work prints that recall photos from other parts of the country that made the final edit, hint at the extent to which Frank has pre-visualized what he wanted in "The Americans."

The contact sheet system relies on the photographer to keep the rolls and film strips in order. It doesn't seem like these "blessing of the water" photos and the "Covered Car" / Ocean Boulevard frames are actually chronological.

Long Beach work print, another example of a group of onlookers vs. the event itself.

Based on the date, exact location and the long shadows, Frank almost certainly took the "Covered Car" at end of the afternoon. Since the pier is long gone, I can't visit or look at Street View. Behind this photo of a group of men are two buildings that remain: the Ocean Center building (left) and the Breakers Hotel (center). There aren't obvious shadows, the sun is hitting the men and the buildings from the south, it's probably morning to mid-day.

There are four contact sheets related to Long Beach: 537-540. While it's possible Frank stayed overnight, I suspect the later contact sheets (538-540) were actually at the beginning of the day. I think the order of events is: 538, 539, 540, 537. The National Gallery of Art scans of these contact sheets aren't large enough to dive into the details of frames that aren't work prints, so it's difficult to look for clues.

How did Frank hear about the Epiphany on the Rainbow Pier? It takes a bit of imagination to consider a person's media diet from 1956. Looking at the local Long Beach paper in the weeks leading up to the event, there’s no mention of it. Was it in the Los Angeles Times or Examiner? The radio? Or did someone randomly tell Frank about it?

If you read the timeline of making “The Americans” and are familiar with what ended up as the final edit of the book, Frank often goes to an event that sounds interesting (opening night of a Hollywood movie, a parade, political convention or "blessing of the waters") and then ends up with photographs of people watching, instead of the event itself.

Frank shows up at a decisive moment and then turns 90 degrees. Examples from "The Americans":

at the Yale commencement, students in hats as the background, but the focus is one tired old man on a bench

at a political rally in Chicago, a photograph of a man holding a tuba, his face completely obscured.

at a Hollywood movie premiere, the actress is out of focus, the adoring crowd, in focus.

While it meant a lot of extra miles on the car, the strategy does make sense, he titled it "The Americans" not "American Events."

[delta0003]

egotober-18-Yellow

Hello Mr.scheeplestein, how may I be of service today? Ah bing I came here today to get you out. Out? Yes yes to let you out because I think you are ready to let out into the world plus i'm pretty sure you're tired of staring at these blank walls are you not. Hm bing took a moment to think the fans whirling inside his head alright if you say so doctor I shall accompany you to your residency. Ah wunderbar now let's get going. I'm sure the others would like to meet you. There are others? Yes there are 9 of us excluding myself so 8 actually. Why do you have a problem with that? No no not at all i'm just not used to big crowds of people is all. Ah not to worry we are an accommodating bunch. If one of us oversteps a boundary let us know and we'll fix the problem right away alright. Alright then I would like to know about the other residents I shall be living with. Yes very well here are their files they have everything you need to know about them. Hm ill start with oldest to youngest let's see here> 

Angus Macmillan- An Australian TV survival hunter is out of the house 10 months of the year, comes back around thanksgiving-New years then leaves. Married for 5 years divorced 2 years ago has a 7 year old son named alastor macmillan whom he shares joint custody with sharon o’conner. 

Henrik von scheeplestein- a german doctor that has been working with IRIS for 11 years. Divorced from Elaine koch. Had two children, Oliver and Olivia Scheeplestein, both twins and deceased. 

Chase brody- Married man with stacy brody and is a father to kristen brody(boy) both have recently been marked as deceased. Suffers from alcoholism-depression-anxiety-and anger issues. Also has been recently emitted and released from IRIS and is in the care of henrik von scheeplestien.

Marvin Aster- Owner of a magic shop. Hm not much information other than he owns his own shop/has a mother named moria aster/and has a cat named higgins i'll have to keep tabs on this one. 

Jackson Alburn- aspiring superhero naming himself jackieboyman-a bit childish of a name- currently working as a delivery food worker has many employers that have fired him for several reasons-more than i can count on both my hands i see-got his powers via hm seems like this information is [redacted] hm i'll have to look into than later. Seems to be a loner maybe has ADHD or is anti-social. No family to speak of, maybe orphaned or could possibly be no contact/disowned.

Altr-114209-legal name- Anthony O’neil- A violent experiment created by [REDACTED] was given to Henrik so it could be reintroduced into civilian life stayed 1 month before having an extremely violent outburst resulting in 1 bystanders death. Currently missing. Yea sounds like a nutcase thank god he won't be around me if he meets me he'd probably mess up my circuits or something along those lines.

Jameson jackson- a time traveling anomaly from the 1920’s being reintroduced into modern day civilian life.Seems like Jameson is doing well as a child entertainer…he does puppet shows for kids and that he's mute. Also has no family to speak of.

Shaun flynn- same as JJ except he worked for joey drew studios as a cartoon plush maker and has obvious PTSD from working there. Seems like he had a wife and was expecting a child but there are no records of his wife or that she gave birth. Strange. 

Markus byrne- an ex-employee of playtime inc. has some sort of anxiety disorder and does not live in the house but visits frequently for JJ and Shaun, not much to go on.

Robert [redacted]- a deceased corpse that died and was buried on the grounds but was reanimated by marvin. Is incredibly smart but has trouble speaking.

Well they seem like a colorful bunch of wackos scheep. Yes yes and you're gonna be helping me with all of them so you better get used to all their quirks. Yes doctor i will keep that in mind now let us carry on.

@tracobuttons