#rn. i just feel my art career is over. I dont get a lot of natural reblogs and likes. but i wont give up. i want to keep making stuff

[littlestpersimmon]

what usually inspires your art/storie themes? I love it btw! you have amazing work.

Southeast asia first and foremost.. my home and my favorite aspect of myself. I'm mixed, moms partially Chinese and dad is partially of sephardi jewish descent, but I love philippine cultures and the surrounding cultures of maritime southeast asia the most.. After this. Just chasing the feeling of happiness and nostalgia. When you are ocd like me, you are perpetually afraid and paranoid of things, so drawing is my escape.. like it sounds pretentious but this is how I feel. I love also trying to make my drawings look like illuminated manuscripts and tapestries, and I used to collect old fairytale books bc, I don't know! I just love how it looks and feels.

[swordbreakerz]

I get rly jealous of painters (digital and otherwise but mostly digital) sometimes bc they have the skill and knowledge to be able to do style studies of famous painters, and I frequently have the urge to do some kind of leyendecker study but I patently CANNOT paint, at all, I don't even rly render I am a flat colors and cel shading kind of artist so it would just be kind of useless to attempt bc the style I make art in just isn't the kind that I can do those kinds of experiments in and it feels Bad

[oooocleo]

how did you find the courage/means to do full-time freelance? it’s something i’ve been thinking about for a long time (i take comms in between college work) but i just. don’t know where to begin? i’d really appreciate any advice. thank you!

ill start this off w a disclaimer that i live in a country thats considered a social security state so i've received rent support from the government ever since moving out when i started uni (bc i dont make that much, prolly below min. wage, meaning my taxes are also relatively low), as well as student loans that aren't so horrible here as there are in the US for example - i'm sure if i had to get a job next to my studies i wouldn't have had nearly as much time/energy for establishing myself as a freelance illustrator over the yrs...

for me my uni yrs were when i really started doing more private commission work, because i had a lot of free time outside of exam periods, and i was p motivated to do that bc i was studying history which u know.. doesnt rly lead u down a secure career path lmfao... as for courage i would say it might be more fear of the alternative? i have depressive tendencies sometimes and i think i would be very unhappy having to spend 40 hours of my life every week in a job that wud likely feel unfulfilling compared to making art for ppl... so i took those student loans and drew and drew and drew until it became Actually Feasible to live off of my labour

i would say... Really try to minimize ur expenses if ur wanting to get into freelance illustration, bc any amount of time u need to spend on say a diff 'regular' job uve got to make ends meet will make things harder - this might seem like kind of scary advice but moving somewhere where the rent is cheap is an option u shouldnt overlook (i lived in social housing before moving to a rural area), bc kind of all u need rn is a freaking internet connection to find folks thatll hire u fdjgdfg - also in the same vein moving in with friends and sharing costs🤔

besides that, all i can suggest is find things that inspire you, draw as much as u can manage and post a lot so that ppl can discover u !

[destinyc1020]

I think we can find a middle ground between bashing every single thing you're fav is doing and prohibiting yourself from having discussions about the goods AND the bads of your fav career. I think you can do both. And can still keep your stan card. It's not exclusive.

I can say I hated Cherry and Uncharted, and still want better for him because I genuinely think he is talented and love to see him on my screen. I follow him because of his personality and I think he is a great actor with potential. I don't think we should turn this into a "good fan/bad fan" debate just because you criticize something (movies) that are meant to be criticized. If we didn't had opinions, what would be the point ? It doesn't have to be always negative, and I agree that fans acting like he has the worst career in the world rn is over dramatic. But wondering why we have 0 casting announcement ? Looking back at his filmography and saying you dont like most of it ? I don't think it's that far of a reach.

Whoa wait a second Anon.... You "hated" "Uncharted"? Whaaaa? 🥴 TOM in a wet t-shirt couldn't even save the movie for you? 😂

This is the first time I've heard someone say they actually HATED the movie. But hey, I guess art is subjective. 🤷🏾‍♀️

To me it was just an enjoyable popcorn 🍿 flick with some great eye-candy 😍 Not to be taken too seriously. I enjoyed it! Reminded me of a cross btwn Indiana Jones and Lara Croft. 👍🏾

Anyway....

I don't usually think there's anything wrong with having a healthy discussion about your fave and their work. As you all know, I love discourse lol. 😂

Do you know how many films I haven't really cared for, or thought were dumb that some of my acting faves have been in lol? 😂 I either just watch simply to enjoy them in it, or just make jokes about how crappy the movie was, but I still love the actor and appreciate their projects that I DO enjoy. 🤷🏾‍♀️

The problem I mainly see with SOME of Tom's fans however is that it seems like this "constructive criticism" gets a bit out of hand, fans go a little too far, and it almost comes across as being a bit mean to me. 😔🤷🏾‍♀️

I feel like SOME fans take things a bit too seriously, and don't know how to just ENJOY an actor, enjoy the journey they're on at this moment in time, and simply just relax, be patient, and appreciate them for them.....instead of nitpicking over every single little thing. 🥴

Do you know how LONG it's taken some in the industry to get their "big break"? 👀 Or to FINALLY be recognized for their acting talent? Sometimes it takes some ppl a long time! Some fans have been waiting YEARS.

Say what you will about Marvel films, but Marvel DEFINITELY helped put Tom Holland on ppl's radar. It probably would have taken Tom a LOT longer to even get in people's view had it not been for Marvel. And he certainly wouldn't have had so much close access to such incredible acting talent in the industry who constantly pat him on the back of it weren't for Marvel. So Marvel has done Tom good imo.

I almost feel like the complaints some fans have about his career aren't even really about Tom tbh.... I feel like it's more so about competition or smthg, and I just don't feel like it's even necessary.

Tom is a GOOD actor. He will always have roles waiting for him because he's actually talented. I honestly don't know why some fans even worry? Jmho 🤷🏾‍♀️

I could see if he were a BAD actor.... but he's not! 🥴

Long story short, there's nothing wrong with being honest about how you feel about your fave's work. You can still hate a project but love the person. 🤷🏾‍♀️ But sometimes it just feels like some just complain JUST to complain. That's my only gripe.

[peachy-hk]

hello hello let me send an angst req real quick. arranged marriage w sakusa (or akaashi or ushijima, u choose if u dont write for the other ones) where the reader was in love w him and he hates the idea of the marriage so always leashes out on their s/o and by the time he realized that he loves them too etc its too late. or just do wtv u want i need sumn arranged marriage angst rn. like yk extremely angst - 🐰

OH MY GOD??? Pls this request itself made me sad kdjsksks. Forgive me if I don’t do it justice but just know your request is a work of art 🥴🥴 and also?? did I just get my first anon????? AH???? 🐰 anon will forever be engraved in my brain kjsdhkfjk

anymore.- Sakusa Kiyoomi X Reader

in which your husband to be doesn’t realize he loves you until after you’re gone.

Warnings: Fem reader! Cursing. (Reader x Osamu near the end). Manga spoilers! (Sakusa, Osamu, and Atsumu.)

Word Count: 1.4K

Sakusa Kiyoomi had never really put thought into getting married. To him, marriage was something he would probably never do. Not because he hated the idea of it, but because he never thought he’d find the right person to settle down with. Chances were he was never going to get married. He knew that, his parents knew that, hell even his friends knew that. So why was he sitting across from you, in a room with both of your parents, being told that the two of you would be getting married? He didn’t know. 

In all honesty, Kiyoomi had already planned his life out. Getting married to you was not part of that plan. You were just an obstacle in his life plan. A nail when all he had was a screwdriver. He didn’t hate you. To be honest he didn’t even think you were a bad person. But every time he saw you, he was reminded of the fact that he would have to get married to you. The fact that he’d have to settle down and start a family. All of it angered him. Even though he didn’t hate you as a person, he hated that you would get in the way of his future career in volleyball.  

You weren’t marrying him for the money. Your family lived a comfortable life, not extremely rich but not dirt poor either. The reason you were getting married to him was to make both of your parents happy.

You had quickly come to love the curly black haired man. The way he showed such love and dedication for volleyball. How he had his morals and stuck by them. The way he smiled when talking to his teammates (a rare but beautiful sight). All of these things you had managed to pick up by going to a couple of his games. Other things like how he acted around the people he loved, or his cute habits were things you learned from tea afternoons with his mother. You knew he didn’t like you, but you had hoped that he would grow to love you eventually. 

Waiting for him to love you was painful of course. Skipped dinners, dates that he didn’t show up to, nights where he didn’t even come home to the shared house the two of you had moved into. You slept in different rooms, but it hurt to know he was out somewhere and preferred being there than in the same house as you. Then again, it wasn’t like he would talk to you even if he was home. If you had tried to start any type of conversation with him, it would be dry and short. If you kept pushing for a conversation, it would become an argument.

“Why don’t you ever want to talk to me?”

“Why don’t I talk to you?” He spoke sharply, the tone of his voice was harsh and cold. “I don’t talk to you because you’ve basically ruined my life.  All you’ve done since I met you was side track my life. You're useless. I have no reason to get married to you. You don’t help me achieve anything, hell you don’t even support my volleyball career. All you do is ask me stupid questions because you want to talk. TAKE A HINT GOD DAMNIT, HOW FUCKING STUPID ARE YOU?” 

Every fight was the same. It was always “you’re useless”, “you don’t support me.” and “you ruined my life” along with lots of cuss words thrown in the mix. You had gotten used to the arguments. Was arguments even the right word? It was one sided, the constant throwing of insults and harsh words at you, but they were never returned to him. You didn’t have the heart to speak to him like that. You loved him after all.

“I’m calling off the wedding.” You say to him. The two of you are sitting across from each other in the dining room of your rather luxurious house. “What?” He says. Finally looking you in the eyes for the first time in weeks. He sets his tall glass of water on the table, waiting for you to say more. “I’m calling off the wedding.” You say again. You don’t understand the look of confusion on his face, he’s the one that wants this way more than you do. “I’ve spoken to both our parents on our behalf, I told them things weren’t working, they are not pleased, but they understand our decision.” 

“Our decision?”

“Yes Sakusa. Our decision.”

“I supported you and your volleyball career. I chose to love you even when you didn’t love me back. I chose to put up with your childish tantrums because you were mad. And about what? The fact that your parents want you to settle down? The fact that your parents wanted you to have somebody to carry out your volleyball legacy? All you’ve done is push me away. I’m done putting up with your bullshit Kiyoomi.”

It had been three months since you had called off your engagement with Kiyoomi. The first few weeks after it was hell for the two of you. You had gone back and forth from regretting your decision to being glad that you had done it. 

Your relationship with Kiyoomi was horrible. It was bad for me and my mental health. I don’t need him. I’m better off alone. 

but he wasn’t. 

After you left him he started thinking about you. It didn’t make sense to him, the marriage was arranged so how could you just call it off like it was nothing?? How could you spend months trying to get to know him, trying to get him to have the slightest liking in you, to just toss him like a piece of garbage? 

he didn’t understand.

He began to miss the way you would sing in you shower. He wondered if you knew he could hear you, but he never cared to bring it up. He opted to listen to the melodies you’d sing, never getting through a full song before starting to sing a new one. 

When he’d wake up in the morning, he’d be reminded of you. The lack of breakfast in the kitchen, the wilting or already dead flowers in the hallway. He didn’t have the heart to throw the flowers away, remembering how you had rambled to yourself about how they were your favourite when you thought he wasn’t listening. Everything reminded him of you. And yet, he still didn’t know why. 

He was the one that was constantly yelling at you. He was the one that didn’t want to get married to you. He was the one that saw you as an obstacle, one to over come instead of embracing. He was the one who pushed you away, when all you wanted was to get closer to him. 

And he was the one that missed you.  

5 months after you left Kiyoomi, he finds out you’re getting married to a certain silver haired twin from a certain blonde haired twin. According to Atsumu, you and Osamu had been friends for years. Atsumu had mentioned that you were often helping at Onigiri Miya when Osamu needed more people to work. 

He feels conflicted. 

He knows that life isn’t like a romance story. He knows that showing up at your wedding and telling you to marry him instead won’t work. He knew that if he ran into you in the middle of the street you wouldn’t go for coffee with him. Nothing works like that. And yet, he still wants to try.

Life doesn’t work like that. 

There he sits in a black three piece suit, siping on the champaign that was poured for the MSBY table minutes earlier. Tonight is a night of celebration. A night where everyone is supposed to be happy for the bride and groom. 

But all he feels is regret. 

He should be the one dancing with you in the middle of the venue. He should have been the one to put the ring on your finger. The one you say “I do” to, the one the your vows are for. But he isn’t. 

He drowns away his feelings in alcohol. He hopes that he’ll wake up and it’ll all be a nightmare. That he’ll wake up to the smell of you making breakfast and fresh flowers in the vases in the house. He wants you to ask him how his day was. He wants to hear the way “Kiyoomi” rolls off your tongue one last time. But he won’t. 

You’re not his anymore. 

[ibelonginthepast]

Hunk for the character ask thing??

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HUNK!!!! FINALLY!!! I am such a ho for him sorry

Sexuality Headcanon: i have no particular fixed pref, he could be straight, but i like to think he's bi throughout. I think he is a believer of fluid sexuality, so he doesn't really fits himself in a label. He goes along with whoever he likes.

Gender Headcanon: I sometimes like to hc him as a trans man (ftm). He/him pronouns. He was cultured into toxic masculinity. He has had his struggles with it. He was teased for being soft because of his anxiety issues. His tendency to be emotional and expressive. He has had been a victim of toxic masculinity constantly, even adopted it and perpetuated it further for a while before giving up. He is passionate about healthy masculinity and really understands it now. He is a fierce feminist and in for breaking the patriarchy.

A ship I have with said character: the thing is i hate Canon. I dont like the first sight first meet fall in love kind of thing they did with hunk and shay, but with what I headcanon shay as, I think she is perfect for him. He would balance her head on approach to stuff, and she will balance his tendency to ponder. He is a total simp for shay. He's a sucker for a simple calm life, while shay is on the ambitious side, and he fully supports her.

A BROTP I have with said character: hance is a given. heith! I will fucking die for this. I love thinking up stories of how Keith, despite being the one to struggle to open up, will inevitably fall for hunk. Hunk is just so approachable, so welcoming, so loving. I see hunk as also very fierce. He will stand in front as a literal physical shield to protect the ones he loves. He is dedicated when he loves and he never gives up on anyone. This is something he will share with Keith. One of the only people who will relate with Keith on a soul level on this. Punk!!! I love it. So much. Hunk is just amazing at platonic relationships. Hunk takes care of pidge a lot, they are his sibling. They simp on tech together ofc!! Even tho Shiro is everyone's dad, hunk cares for him, brings him his energy drinks and blankets all the time cause let's be real Shiro is low-key wishing death all the time and does not care for himself. Hunk is one of those peeps who scream SHIRO! NO! everytime Shiro makes a bad joke about death. Hunk's caring nature extends to everyone. Allura again is bad at taking care of herself, and he helps. He defo teaches allura samoan box braids!!! Coran too. Hunk bakes with coran sitting beside, chatting unrelentlessly but here's the thing, Hunk doesn't tolerate it. He genuinely likes listening to people and knowing them. One of the reasons he goes so well with Lance.

A NOTP I have with said character: humph he could go with anyone ngl. Shunk is extra weird to me, Shiro is a dad through and through i ew shaladins.

A random headcanon:

Despite what people think, hunk thinks he struggles with words. He uses food to express love. If he feels distant with anyone, he cooks for them.

Hunk does get tired after caring for people so much, but he has healthy nice fam around him who he lets take care of him too. He knows he needs to care for himself, and after some time of struggling with it, he now proudly take care of himself as well.

Hunk has struggled with severe anxiety. He has had panic attacks, complete meltdowns. His family was a bit pressurizing in terms of his career and all, and he has always felt responsible to get an excellent job in the stem section to make his parents proud.

He got into stem because of his parents, but he developed his love for it later too. He genuinely started finding STEM very interesting.

He contributed in making of fun robots in school's stem centres all the time. He had a teacher who was obsessed with making anime monsters, and even though hunk himself hates gore and shit he had fun making those and sometimes watched those weird ass animes and talked about how those wild ass writers were defo on weed while writing the script. He bonded over weeb stuff surprisingly with Shiro ;)

He hasn't been the smartest forever, like pidge. He actually worked his way to it. He is very dedicated, hard working and passionate.

He has undiagnosed ADD, but it hasn't interferred with him fitting in much. He has been able to do his work, and he recognized some tricks to focus early in life. His anxiety drives him to work as much as it distracts him. he just discovers his ADD later in therapy.

He makes pretty notes. He has an unhealthy obsession with pastel yellow highlighter.

Hunk is very well equipped with samoan tattoo art designs and understanding them. it's something his grandparents taught him since forever. His grandfather did tattoos and he saw them when he was little. He wants to get atleast some sort of soga'i miki. He's been always conflicted about wanting Pe'a cause its so beautiful and masculine in expression and not wanting it because it's so painful and permanent.

Because he has lived in America his whole life, he has struggled with his national identity a lot. He gets taunted by by family in samoa for being American and for speaking english better than samoan. He doenst always fit in well in america either for obvious reasons. He has struggled with feeling like he belongs. Its something he bonds with Lance on.

He is passionate about dismantling the social organization in samoa and its ill effects. He understands the systems and talks about their unfairness. This is something his distant and traditional family members get annoyed at him for.

He talks passionately about the freedom struggles of samoa and the samoan civil wars. He likes listening to stories of freedom fighters of samoa and great leaders. He is very critical of European colonization and takes no shit from europe apologists.

He is low-key a Satanist and likes to tell people about how God was super sexist to Lilith and how absolutely bullshit her banishment was,, how Satan is the coolest first feminist and made her the queen she is, and how Satan is the coolest dude for being the first rebel and equalist. He talks about how he gave us knowledge, and it created the world we are in rn or else we would still be all dumb and naked in the garden. His family is Christian and religious, he has read stories from bibles and come to the conclusions himself.

General Opinion over said character: i am horribly sad but I swear to God one cuddle from this cinnamon roll will cure me of everything

IMP NOTE: I am not samoan, but I read about countries where my favorite characters are from sometimes. I have started reading about che and communist Cuba for Lance too ;) All this info is from the internet, and I cannot say for sure its all good and true. If I am wrong with anything, please point it out.

THANKS FOR THIS! Now go drink water <3

[angeloncewas]

dont wanna make this ask long bc i am tired and dont have the energy to be a well spoken (?) person rn but it probably will be long anyways, so sorry!! but like. as somebody who has hyperfixated on both idubbbz and schlatt (along with a plethora of other problematic content creators, i really know how to fuckn pick em!!) they absolutely foster a dogshit community, at least outside of platforms like tumblr, where like. you cant really avoid fandom culture like you can on twitter or ig, if that makes sense. on here, if you wanna post about your favorite youtuber, whether you tag it or not, other fans will likely see and if you say some bad shit, you will likely get called on it, whereas on ig basically only your followers will see it even if you use a hashtag and on twitter its like if you arent in a subtwt/fandom then you basically dont interact with any subtwt at all unless its an accident, ya know?

so like. i think what im trying to say here is that while ive met a lot of fans of both these creators, especially schlatt, who are great people as far as i can tell, i am also specifically on the fandom side of things and as soon as i step out of that space i realize that a lot of people who watch them are not actually minorities like me and my mutuals who can catch on to satire or who watch their more behind the scenes stuff where you can see them act like a decent person or even call out people for the things they usually joke about which just. fucking sucks. it sucks that, as much as i do believe schlatt is actually a good person (and sort of idubbbz, although i dont really watch him much anymore for a plethora of reasons, mostly related to the fact that i cant stand his jokes anymore even if he is playing a character as he's said before), he also keeps doing terrible fucking things and im really glad his actual friends have been calling him on it recently, especially after that jackbox video (which is a whole other thing on its own bc it literally seemed like nobody wanted to be there basically the entire video?? like as somebody who watched all the jackbox videos before that one, it was really fucking off in that call and the jokes were next level fucking upsetting), but sometimes it's just kinda like. exhausting. bc his community is already fucking bad now, you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that, which would be stupid to do at this point in his career. not really sure where i was going with this tbh, but i thought i would chime in on this discussion as a viewer of mainly schlatt, but also a past idubbbz viewer who is basically a seasoned fucking vet at dealing with shitty fanbases because of him and many other dumb youtube white boys

(also, note on that anisa thing: ian's main fanbase was definitely pissed just bc she does sex work and a lot of them are too fucking young or just too fucking dense i guess to clock the fact that he's putting on an act bc, like i said before, they either dont watch his behind the scenes content, or they do and they kinda just miss those moments between still trying to entertain where he gets genuine. that being said, a lot of people outside of his fanbase were also pissy bc anisa is a less than spectacular lady if you really do your research on her, kind of a bad person but it's not something a lot of people know about, especially since one of the few videos made on it was by fucking creepshow art)

sorry for the rant again, i feel like i do this every other week now and i apologize, you just seem to have the best discourse and i enjoy partaking <3 hope you have a good rest of your day/night/whatever time you're reading this!

—🦷

Thank you for the input (don't mind the rant !) and I hope you have a good rest of your day too <3 For post length, I'll answer under the cut :)

Yeah, I get what you mean (I think ahdsufsd). Fandom as a concept is pretty... I don't even know how to describe it, but it's the kind of thing that I feel like white male Redditors would think of as pussy shit, y'know? Like the Ricegum gang isn't a fucking "fandom" they're a... well, a fandom, but they're not gonna admit to that. So when you step outside of a community like Tumblr (the queerest place on the internet TM) you come into contact with the faces of the fandom you're dealing with and oftentimes they're a lot less like you than you might've thought from the similar interest. It's like going to a Weezer concert and realizing you're surrounded by incels (this is a JOKE).

Satire's a rough topic because some people don't think it should exist at all. Like any words that can be directly interpreted as bigoted or problematic should not be uttered. I disagree with that, I think it's one of the most interesting forms of both social commentary and comedy, but I do see the problem. There are people who watched Filthy Frank (to take an example from that other anon) and didn't know or care what the point of his actions were (I don't know what they were tbh - I never watched him, but it sounds like he's a pretty decent dude) and instead read his jokes as-is. There are thousands upon thousands of people who aren't gonna get satire and that's a problem because if they're already bigoted they're gonna see people like Schlatt and iDubbz and whoever else as truly validating.

(Largely unrelated but yo, is iDubbz still going? Are the views alright? Is the adsense popping? Has he just kept going with Content Cops? I haven't heard about him since the girlfriend thing dropped.)

"you cant undo accidentally fostering a community of fucking racist homophobes who dont get that you're playing a character, unless you kinda drop off and build a whole new community from that"

I think this is what's pertinent when it comes to discussing Schlatt. After the Jackbox video (for me at least, he might've been there before) he put himself at a crossroads. If he'd apologized, said "sorry, I took it too far, that was a mistake" - yeah, plenty of people wouldn't have forgiven him and plenty of bigoted fans of his would've said that the apology was just to placate the snowflakes on Twitter, but to the sort of in-between people it would've shown that he's able to recognize and reconcile his mistakes. He could've transitioned into content that's A) actually good (when I say that the video was bad I don't just mean in terms of racism, I mean it straight up was not entertaining) and B) less "edgy" for the sake of. I wouldn't expect him to go uwu squeaky clean, but he's already reeled in the bad people, so if he really wanted to foster a good, progressive audience, he has to do something significant to show that.

But he didn't.

Maybe for the sake of his career, maybe because he likes those bigoted fans, maybe because he just doesn't get it - I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know. I spoke earlier about doing what is right over what is easy and in the case of Schlatt it just feels like he really did take the easy way out. Whoever he is in his personal life doesn't change how he's perceived online and the kinds of people that are idolizing him for it.

(And yeah I saw the video on Anisa when I Googled her to check if they were still dating, but then I saw who it was made by and I was like oh well whatever avhfdfkj)

[im-not-a-joke]

Byler in college hcs?

mmmmm this is the good stuff

- ok theyve been together for a few years at this point because my brain refuses to process the idea that theyre that oblivious

- theyve wanted to move in together since they were kids, like, well before they even realized their feelings so joyce helped them start a savings account when they were 15 and they have a decent apartment fund going

- so they both apply to colleges near atlanta partially because theyre tired of the cold

- mike comes out like a week before they move

- he already has most of his stuff packed just in case

- karen is like “ily no matter what son” and ted just. doesnt react. like hes zoned out or something because he just doesnt do anything

- which upsets mike more than a negative reaction tbh

- will has been out for a while because joyce is the best mom

- so they move into like a tiny apartment and they turn the walls into a mess of art that will made (mike insisted they put it up) and random notes (sometimes connected by strings) because theyre both messes that forget important things

- neither of them are very social but occasionally one of them will be like “lets go to a party or something” and the other will be like “babe are you serious”

- they like to visit other party members in other states a lot

- mike isnt great a cooking but at least he doesnt burn things so he cooks most of the meals

- nancy will occasionally just drop by and be like “im here now” so they get a pullout sofa for when she stops by

- occasionally she will bring one of the other older sibling/babysitters with her but usually shes like “i cant handle mom and dad rn so il going to stay here for a bit”

- evenings are for homework and cuddles

- they dont get to spend a lot of time together so every few weeks they have a coffee date where they just take turns rambling about whatever 

- ok im trying not to make this overdone cliche stuff but will going to art school is the only valid career option for him soooo

- will always draws mike for his assignments

- “yeah thats my best friend, we’re roommates so it’s just easy to draw him”

- mike drags will to the zoo at least once a month

- “we need to get out more and there are baby penguins!!!”

- “i thought you didnt like animals?”

- “dart was gross, BUT, i held him the longest of anyone besides dustin”

- they still go all out for halloween and the kids in their complex love them for it

- they wear matching costumes and hand out full sized candy bars

- when they visit family for the holidays, they both feel odd not seeing each other all the time, even if its just a short drive over to each other’s houses

- “i miss will” “you literally saw him yesterday” “but that was so long ago” 

- they celebrate the end of the year by deep cleaning the apartment and inviting the whole party to atlanta for a few days

[wincore]

“ATSUMU DISEASE” PLEAAASE THE DRAMATICS 😭😭😭 UR KIND OF RIGHT THO..... ITS AN ILLNESS! and omg YES i also started feeling a lil sumsum when he teared up at the food/note from kita 😔😔 hq knew what they were doing with that scene... I LOVE UR LIL RANT!! LIKING ATSUMU IS A SPIRALING EXPERIENCE SERIOUSLY I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT U MEAN!! also the writing possibilities with them r endless because everyone in hq is so ridiculous and funny and lovable

THE AMOUNT OF MONEY ID PAY TO GET A LOOK AT UR WIPS 🙄🙄🙄🙄 dont throw around “drabbles” and not expect me to be knocking down ur door... WAITIITI DRABBLES AAAND DOODLES?????????? MOONIE PLS GIVE US SOMETHING!!!! I WANT TO SEE THIS ART.. WHETHER ITS A DRAWING OR IN WORDS.... (why do u have so many talents)

“I keep wondering which god I pleased to get u” stop before i propose 😩😩💍

YOOO WAIT IT FEELS LIKE ITS ALL COMING FULL CIRCLE... ur yangyang fic is not the first fic of urs ive read but it was the first one i left a message about!!!! so u already know im a die hard wincore-yangyang-fic fan 😭😭😭 THIS IS SO EXCITING!!!! but if u end up writing jaemin’s i will also be super happy bc its been like ?? over a yr since ur last jaemin work!! both ways work for me 😋😋

also i dont know much about adhd but i do know how rough it can be to both struggle & invalidate your own struggles!! pls know that whatever u feel is valid and that it always takes some time to come to terms with new information abt ourselves! take ur time and don’t be too hard on urself!!

- tata!! have a great day ❤️

LET ME BE DRAMATIC IT'S MIYA ATSUMU HE'S SOOOOO infuriating??? Is that the word?? but also rlly lovable. my friends are clowning me for liking him but hello ???

timeskip miya atsumu hmu pls 😍😍 (hope these don't count as spoilers, I just have so many screenshots of him and oikawa from the manga it's embarrassing)

I am literally at the bottom of the spiral and now I'm going to dig my way further down.

YOU ARE SO RIGHT??? they're just made to be so loveable and they have all these cute info about them like ??? reminds me why it was my comfort anime in the first place and now there's even more characters to love 🥰

PLSSHSJS YOU'RE TOO NICE theyre literally my bored in online class doodles so they're too funky to post 🥴 I started posting some drabbles on my hq but it's going to be a secret for now HSHDJDJ I'm so sorry tata 😔 if you happen to find that account too though...... 😳 Though mostly, I want to start planning n writing series on ao3 (ahaha I keep saying that but rn I only have energy for drabbles 😞) if you propose I might say yes btw just saying 🤩 you're second only to miya atsumu and oikawa tooru <3 HSHDJDJ

AHHH I keep losing motivation to write for nct but for u I might just complete it in time 😡😡 (and I mean it genuinely this ask made me open my yangyang doc shdjdkd) rip to jaemin tho he's the easiest to write but I wanted to branch out (my bad) I wish i returned to him sooner 😳 thank you for the encouragement tho!!!! you are the reason behind my writing career 💘

and thank you for the kind words like !!!! they mean a lot coming from you 😭you really know how to say the right words huh,,, god blessed tumblr blog wincore with tata no kidding. As always, I hope you have a great day/night ❣️❣️❣️

[beangods]

38, 60, 99, 100!

38. Is your life what you expected it to be five years ago?

well, at this time five years ago, i hadn't even come out yet, so no. at the time i was also really committed to a career in visual arts, and now, well. im triple majoring and none of them are art. i cant imagine where i'll be five years from now

60. What do you think the next era of fashion will be like?

well, we're seeing a lot of bondage/leather gear worn as normal accessories now, so it's a matter of time before straight men start wearing bulldog harnesses over their clothes as a fashion statement too. but actually 2021 is the year of the nudist. fuck fast fashion fuck consumerism this is the future liberals want

99. Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious?

i want to believe in magic so bad you have no idea but deep down i just . . . cant. i think it's gotta do with my parents getting divorced. or maybe im just innately broken in the part of you that makes you connect to a higher power. ive never "felt" religion either and i dont think i could ever wholeheartedly believe in anything like that. i dont NOT believe in magic or god or whatever, but i just dont FEEL anything. i have like a normal amount of superstitions (very few), but i dont know how widely shared they are and they dont impact my life very much

100. What belief do you have that isn't logically grounded, but that you still believe in?

[redacted], but other than that, i guess maybe the belief that i will somehow accomplish something in my life and be able to find lasting love and companionship with another person irl? sad, i know, but i'm in kind of a downer mood rn so that's where my brain's at

[lacehydrangeas]

edit: UMMMM just realized this never posted and instead went into my drafts. oops.

tagged by @glubbity (kinda) i’ve never done one of these and i thought it would be fun :o)

[instructions: tag ten followers you’d like to get to know better.] if u want to do this consider urself tagged...

gender: female! im cis but i dont mind they/them pronouns. i think gender IS something i need to put more thought into, but for now im comfortable presenting/being seen as a girl

star sign: im a scorpio babey!!! and if you have known me for more than 5 minutes its obvious. i like to think im a posterchild scorpio. my birthday is october 30, 2003, which i think is a very very good day to be born seeing as halloween is my favorite holiday and fall is my favorite season! im pretty excited to be turning 17 this year

height: 5′3 or 5′4 :o/ i wish i was taller SO bad. its been my dream since childhood to be like 6 foot... unfourtantly i think i might be done growing... my curse

sexuality: lesbian! i like girls very much. i used to identify as bi for most of middle school and then after kissing a dude and it making me sick to my stomach so i had a Realization freshman year. i think one of the sillier things that made me realize i was probably a lesbian is that i never felt comfortable doing one of the alignment charts... i would skip over them because something about saying “bisexual” didnt sit right

hogwarts house: i hate this question so fucking much. according to the official harry potter website i am a gryffindor but childhood me was crushed by that so i self-identify as a slytherin

favorite animal: CHINCHILLAS!!!!! i love chinchillas so fucking much... every time we had an animal project in middle school i would do mine on ‘chillas. did you know those guys fur is so thick they literally can’t get in water or they grow mold? thats why they do ash baths! while humans have one hair per follicle chinchillas have 50+ and fleas cant live on them because they would suffocate in the fur! thats why chinchillas r so soft... like little clouds. my second favorite animal would have to be rabbits... love them

average hours of sleep: when school was in session i would go to bed at like 10 and then wake up around 5, but now i go to bed at like 12 and wake up at like 8. so i usually get around 8 hours

current time: 11:13 am! im a California baby

dogs or cats?: god i love both so much but dogs win... both me and my mom r allergic to cats so i’ve never been able to have one but ive had lots of doggies! tigger, jasper, bailey, rosebud, pupcake...and a lot of my relatives have dogs! cats r very cute and sweet though and i love my neighbors cat even though cuddling her gives me hives

number of blankets you sleep with?: when its cold i sleep with two blankets and sometimes my comforter, and when its warm (like rn) i sleep with my thinnest blanket and my air conditioner on high. i can NOT sleep without a blanket and it needs to be cold. i always sleep the worse during summer

dream job?: i want to be a therapist... i want to be able to help people and psychology is so so so interesting to me. other careers i think would be fun: working at a zoo, professional scuba diver, working at one of those museums/activity centers where kids always go for field trips. you know the ones

when i created this blog: i think sometime in 7th grade? so like in 2017 i think? idk math. my first username was “just-a-tired-nerd” which i think is awful

follower count: 134!

why i created this blog: i thought that tumblr was THE place for gay people to go and i wanted to be around fellow homosexuals. also a friend had a tumblr and told me to make one

how i came up with my url: im so bad at usernames so its honestly kinda embarrassing trying to explain it LOL. i wanted a very ~aesthetic~ name (my previous user was aestheticallyjaded) and hydrangeas r my favorite flower! so i thought “ok whats pretty and feminine and also doesnt sound stupid?” and my brain went Lace! very recently i found out that lacecap hydrangeas r a type of hydrangea so i guess it all worked out in the end!

what do you love about yourself? (can’t be something you do for others): i love how true to myself i am! sometimes its a fault but ive always been very open about myself and my feelings. even if it makes me seem weird ive always acted and presented myself how i want to. when i create something (art/writing) i stay true to myself an express what i want to express. shoutout to all my old teachers who had to sit thru my short stories about lesbians xoxo

what kept you going through middle school? if it wasn’t hard, what was it like?: oh god middle school sucked so fucking bad. it was a really weird time of self discovery and absolute misery lol. i remember so many people whispering about me and talking behind my back because i was very open about being gay and it was when i first started getting really depressed. the only thing that really kept me going was art and nice teachers. ive always been a bit of a “teachers pet” so my teachers always liked me and treated me nicely. being able to have that kind of support and leeway really helped.

[kvndeathmusic]

my favorite records of the 2010s pt 1 (the less great stuff/honorable mentions)

Neither this post or its followup are going to be in any particular order, however all the records I talk about here are, in my opinion, not as good as the records i will talk about in my part 2. they’re all fantastic but these ones slightly a little less fantastic than the ones in my “top 10″. none of this is based on stuff like 'influence' or whatever other critics base their lists on, this is solely how much I enjoyed these records. And keep in mind, I'm only human, I havent listened to a good lot of records I've heard others describe as top 10 worthy, these are just records I found and that I resonate with. long post ahead. 

Vacation - Bomb the Music Industry (2011)

If you asked me what my favorite band is i will either say bomb the music industry or jeff rosenstock, but considering those are pretty much the same things it doesnt matter lol. While Vacation isnt a perfect record, it is one I love. It lacks some of the ska elements that I love about earlier BTMI records, but at the same time, it is the first record where Jeff’s “””solo””” career sound starts to form in tracks like Sick, Later, Hurricane Waves, Everybody That You Love, Everybody That Loves You, and Vocal Coach. And these tracks are all fantastic, especially the absolutely explosive opener Campaign For a Better Weekend. Where this album suffers in my mind is the fact that it exists as a weird hybrid middle ground between BTMI and modern Jeff Rosenstock, it isn’t really ska like old BTMI and it’s not quite to the same standard as the tracks on We Cool?. And some of the songs are just, not as good as the others, like Why, Oh Why, Oh Why (Oh Oh Oh Oh), which is washed out almost entirely in reverb, and tracks like Savers feeling barren and missing additional instrumentation. But fuck man I can not dislike this record or just call it “ok” because despite this I still listen to this record a lot, it’s so catchy and fun and Im a bit too chronically addicted to btmi. 

Reflektor - Arcade Fire (2013)

i dont really get the hate/mixed feelings others have with this record. there’s so many good tracks dude!!!! sure theres a bit of a slump in the middle and it doesnt reach the same emotional heights as their previous records you gotta be ignorant to overlook this records strengths. while i do like The Suburbs more than Reflektor, man i just vibe HARD with some of these tracks; the title track, We Exist, Here Comes The Night Time, Normal Person, Awful Sound (Oh Eurydice), Porno, and ESPECIALLY Afterlife. Plus the cover art is cool and I like it. However Flashbulb Eyes is one of the worst tracks Arcade Fire has ever put out and I hate it immensely. And while far less offensive, tracks like You Already Know, It’s Never Over (Hey Orpheus), and Joan of Arc are just kinda boring and/or uninteresting. Now granted, I'm extremely biased when it comes to Arcade fire in general unless were talking about the trainwreck that is Everything Now. I started listening to Arcade Fire just before Reflektor came out, and I have a kinda sentimental attachment to the record. ill explain the feeling more when i talk about The Suburbs. anticipation oooooo.

good kid m.A.A.d city - Kendrick Lamar (2012)

i might get crucified by some for not putting this in my top 10, but whatever come at me i guess. gkmc is a fantastic record, but i do think the ending is weak, which is why it’s here instead of in the top 10. i mean, let’s be real, Real is a mediocre track, and while Dying of Thirst is an important track to the whole narrative of the record, it feels way too long. almost everything else about this record is fantastic, from the beats, to kendrick’s nasally flows, to the overall structure of the record spinning a tale of a young man battling demons both inside and out, and his eventual redemption. even if i find this record at times to drop pace, it really is flawless otherwise. it felt like a disservice to put this in the 20-10s, bc it’s a good record, but i had to make some compromises and this was one of them. 

RTJ2 - Run The Jewels (2014)

el-p and killer mike are a perfect duo, and the tracks they make together are always total bangers. and for me, RTJ2 is the best overall, with RTJ3 in a close second. it’s hard to put this on the lower half of the list, some of the tracks just don’t work as well as the others, but despite that there’s not really any tracks i hate or dislike on this record, minus maybe crown. the pure aggression in the opening track Jeopardy sets the tone for an aggressive yet highly focused record. This is some of the best rap out there right now if you want some music to fuck shit up to. 

Pure Comedy - Father John Misty (2017)

This record is both hilarious and extremely bleak. Josh Tillman is a master of satire and sarcasm, and Pure Comedy is the peak of his songwriting skills. The title track is one of the best tracks of the decade, period. And he keeps up the momentum on the following few tracks. The main problem with this record is its weaker second half, but even then it’s criminal to suggest that those songs aren’t good regardless. And despite the bleakness, the one line that sticks in my head after all this time is the line this album fades out to: There’s nothing to fear.

Knife Man - AJJ (2011)

Continuing on the trend of folky, satirical, and bleak records, Knife Man is AJJ’s defining record (next to their debut LP). AJJ blends loud, punky anthems with quieter, folk tracks that touch on sensitive issues in a way only AJJ manages to get away with. And there’s some genuine heart mixed in as well, with the final track Big Bird always striking a chord with me. However, I do feel the record is, let’s just say, padded at times in my opinion. Still, I can’t deny how much i enjoy tracks like Gift of the Magi 2, Hate Rain on Me, The Distance, and Skate Park. Speaking of which when I saw AJJ live recently they played none of those songs and that kinda sucked but hey it was like $20 I can’t complain. And speaking of not getting what I wanted...

You Won’t Get What You Want - Daughters (2018)

It was hard choosing between this record and their 2010 self titled record, but in terms of the overall narrative and variety this record shines through. If there was a number 11 spot in this unorganized list this would probably take that spot. It’s noisey, it’s abrasive, and it’s like nothing you’ve heard before unless you’ve listened to Daughter’s previous records. Tracks like The Reason They Hate Me are catchy in the weirdest and most unwelcoming of ways, Less Sex sounds like a long lost Trent Reznor NIN track, and Guest House is a masochistic and gut wrenching finisher. Fantastic record aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

We Cool? - Jeff Rosenstock (2015)

It’s obvious that I had to include this record somewhere on these list. It’s like a more refined version of the sounds that Jeff experimented with on Vacation. Definitely more punk than ska, but still some of those roots still shine through, especially in the track Nausea. Some of Jeff’s best songs are on this record, from the loud opening tracks Get Old Forever and You, In Weird Cities, to tracks dripping with bittersweet and moody lyrics like I’m Serious, I’m Sorry and Polar Bear or Africa. The main reason this record is on the back end of the top 20 is because the deeper cuts on the record do not match the energy and heights of the best tracks. Tracks like All Blissed Out, The Lows, Darkness Records and Beers Again Alone don’t feel like they belong and stick out a bit. They remind me more of the material Jeff put out on his 2012 EP I Look Like Shit. Mind you they aren’t bad tracks, but I’ll be honest I skip them often when listening to the record because i just wanna get back to the good good stuff. 

Sports - Modern Baseball (2012)

Sports is one of the best pop punk records ever, if you can even consider it as such. It’s like a blend of emo and folk punk, and it works so well. A good majority of this record is on my main shuffle playlist. Is it pushing boundaries? Not really, but tracks like Re-Do, Tears Over Beers, and See Ya, Sucker are undeniably catchy and memorable. I NEED MODERN BASEBALL BACK TOGETHER RN. There’s not really anything that wrong with the record, besides maybe lacking in variety, but at 30 minutes, it’s a record that feels nostalgic even on a first listen, and continues to feel that way even after numerous re-listens. Speaking of nostalgia...

The Suburbs - Arcade Fire (2010)

Some background, when I was 13 (circa 2013), I only really listened to whatever my parents put on for me. From my mom, I “inherited” a taste for classic pop and 80s new wave. From my dad, I got metal and hard rock. The first time I made the conscious decision to listen to a record fully, based on my own curiousity, was when I sat and listened to Sgt. Pepper in the summer of 2013, which broadened the scope of what I thought music could even be. And later that year, the first band I got into after The Beatles? Arcade Fire. When I think of my early teens, the memories are set to this record. I remember listening to Ready to Start in my brother’s old hot ass car while driving to the local fair with some friends on a chill fall night, eating tons of junk and staying up past midnight back when doing that was edgy and cool and not a symptom of my depression. 

If I was judging this record solely by its best tracks, it would easily be in the top 3. But I couldn’t place it in my top 10 because, frankly, some of the deeper cuts are lacking. I can’t say I like Deep Blue. I really don’t like Rococo. And Half Light I kills the pace of the record. But man, that title track, Ready to Start, Modern Man, Empty Room, Half Light II, Sprawl II... these songs defined my early teen years. I still tear up listening to the title track. Sure I have to skip a few songs when I re-listen, but I can’t place it any lower or my heart will break. It existing outside of the top 10 already hurts. And that’s all that’s left now. The top 10. 

But first, some random honorable mentions that didn’t make this list:

Sound & Color - Alabama Shakes

Black Star - David Bowie

Saturation II - BROCKHAMPTON

Melophobia - Cage the Elephant

Teens of Style - Car Seat Headrest

How to Leave Town - Car Seat Headrest

Daughters - Daughters

Sunbather - Deafheaven

Bottomless Pit - Death Grips

Year of the Snitch - Death Grips (should be on this list tbh)

Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I Love You, Honeybear - Father John Misty

Helplessness Blues - Fleet Foxes

Plastic Beach - Gorillaz

Boarding House Reach - Jack White

POST- - Jeff Rosenstock

S/T - Joyce Manor

Firepower - Judas Priest

ye - Kanye West

KIDS SEE GHOSTS - KSG

You Were There - Kill Lincoln

Flying Microtonal Banana - King Gizzard

Infest The Rats’ Nest - King Gizzard

No New World - Mass of the Fermenting Dregs

Bury Me At Makeout Creek - Mitski

Puberty 2 - Mitski

Unsilent Death - Nails

Itekoma Hits - Otoboke Beaver

Morbid Stuff - PUP

A Moon Shaped Pool - Radiohead

RTJ3 - Run the Jewels

Angles - The Strokes

To Be Kind - Swans

Undertale OST - Toby Fox

Scum Fuck Flower Boy - Tyler, The Creator 

Igor - Tyler, The Creator

Weezer (White Album) - Weezer

nightlife - yuragi

[pepprs]

[DONT RB] ok so there’s no way for me to talk abt this that isn’t gonna make me look like an absolute dumbass but im in the middle of a creative existential crisis and i rly need help figuring it out :•( this is gonna get SUPER LONG so im putting it under a readmore. thank u to anyone who reads this!!! and double thank u to anyone who can give some input / advice, i rly rly appreciate it. im sorry abt the length!

aight so for some background.... ive been drawing n writing poetry for abt 5 yrs now and both of those things r rly important to me. in school im an english major w a creative writing minor (for the poetry) and i work as a graphic designer (for the art) so ive been growing a lot as an artist and writer esp in the past 2 yrs and im kinda workin towards one or the other (or ideally both somehow!) as a career. one of the biggest dreams ive had since i started seriously pursuing both of these hobbies 5 yrs ago is to publish a book of poetry that i design / illustrate myself, and also to have a portfolio online where ppl can read all of my poetry and see all of my artwork (both professional / work stuff but also archives of all of my sketchbooks since those r rly important to me!!!) and maybe even make some sort of online shop where ppl can buy my art (stickers, keychains, etc!) and my poetry books!

that sounds pretty simple right? WRONG!!!!!! why? bc im a fucking idiot! and there are several dumb things i do that make this dream completely impossible for me to achieve! love that for me!

so for starters... ive been posting (almost) all of my art and ALL of my poetry online for all 5 yrs ive been creating it. that’s bad because:

ive hardly ever used my real name (which i would want to use for the book / shop / portfolio), it’s been under my usernames / aliases that go along w them (p*pe, pep, pea, etc and related usernames that shall not be mentioned) and i started going by my real first name only abt a yr ago, but still maintain those usernames for the most part in conjunction w my real name

my work has been primarily been posted to d*viantart and tumblr which aren’t exactly the most uh... professional places to do that. not that there rly are many i guess lmao but still

my online persona on these platforms is rly like. lax and loose which is Cool And Quirky when brought into a professional setting if it’s done right i guess.... but im just immature and unprofessional. i swear all the time, i shitpost constantly, im incessantly tmi? and that’s not even it like it’s just a whole mess!

SO there’s that whole set of problems and like im just concerned because... i stopped posting art online last yr for the most part and a lot of the old stuff that’s on dA (since that was rly where i did it most) is bad and not worth sharing like that anyways, so im not as worried abt that. but my poetry.... i still actively post that online in all my messiness and candidness here and like. it’s rly not that hard to find me? like if u copy a poem of mine and put it in google it’ll pull up my dA right away! and that’s like.... GOD i just am embarrassed for anyone irl to see that or for that to be connected with my irl / professional self in the future, but i don’t want to stop posting my work there (or here!!!!!) bc the community is so supportive and ive made some rly good connections / built a lot of traction over the 5 yrs ive been doing it. (PLUS for the online portfolio i wanna do specifically... i kinda want to post all of my art and poetry there, like everything ive ever done (specifically poetry, ive written almost 500 poems over the 5 yrs ive been doing it!), but i feel like that’s not rly the most professional thing to do and idk how to even gauge whether it is or not :-/)

but that’s not all!!!! because there’s another part to this and that is: the very nature of the content i produce is Not Good! for my art it’s not as much of a problem bc since I work as an artist rn a lot of what i make is professional, but for my personal art... a lot of that is either self portraits or my characters and a lot of my characters are like. animals. like specifically pepe (who is basically Me As A Cat).... i draw her constantly and so much of my best work is of her but it’s just like? embarrassing i guess for my ocs to take up so much of my portfolio and sketchbooks and stuff and share that. like i know everyone has characters and it’s not bad to do that and share that but i feel like ppl will judge me :-( so it’s made me rly hesitant to post stuff to my art ig for example bc i just don’t fucking know how to act, like it’s bad enough that i can’t type the way i want to and i have to type in proper caps n whatever instead bc irls i don’t know / trust as well follow me (including some ppl from work? Yikes?)....... but i feel like i can’t share my sketchbook stuff for example bc it’s all cats and my characters and visual shitposts and im uncomfy to share that bc like... im almost 20 and i don’t want ppl to think im immature or whatever? i kno i should feel like it’s my account and i can post wot i want but like. i fucking can’t bro i just can’t!!

and THEN.... my poetry. that’s the biggie bc like for my art? even tho im uncomfortable i don’t mind sharing that w ppl i know irl but for my POETRY.... it’s very easy to find like where i share that i guess? (the google thing i mentioned earlier but also its linked to my art on here and dA too... f) but i literally never actively share my writing w irl ppl unless im performing @ an open mic or workshopping in class bc im fucking terrified of the possibility of irl ppl finding my poetry. it’s almost ironic how public ive been w it online but how private i am abt it irl... it’s like im living a double life and it’s fucking terrible but it’s the only way i feel safe. bc like art is what i do for other ppl and also to destress and vent when i need a quick fix on my own time. but poetry.... that’s personal, it’s where i feel most like myself, it’s how i talk abt my life and ppl in it and make meaning of things and talk abt things authentically and Get Deep. and my literal worst nightmare is for ppl (who have the explicit ability to by virtue of Knowing Me) to read into it and Understand what im talking abt and have that power over me and see me differently for feeling the way i do or doing what i do. ive actually already been burned by this before after my mom read some work of mine that had been published irl (i don’t want to get too into it but basically i retroactively outed myself thru her reading that poem for what it was and it was Very Very Bad) and as paranoid abt it as i was before, it’s even worse now that it’s actually happened to me and could happen again at any time, esp if i decide to take my work further.

that manifests in a few ways too, like my writing is so cryptic and vague and very heavy on metaphors / symbolism and shit partially out of that deep fear and need to shield myself and my work. sometimes in spaces where i do feel comfy sharing, ppl have a hard time understanding my poetry unless i give context. online and on stage and in workshop ppl don’t rly know me outside of a context where the only thing we have in common is self expression thru poetry, so i don’t rly mind sharing more when it’s appropriate. but if i were to share my work as a book or w/e, ppl im close to (who maybe don’t always think like a poet / artist does bc they aren’t that) would want to buy it and read it and might ask abt what it means and i don’t even know what i would do in that situation. and if ppl were to read my work and see themselves / others in it, whether it is abt them or not, im scared it could genuinely damage relationships like it did with my mom.

SO UH.... idk where im going w this rly, i kno it’s long and rambly and melodramatic and im probably overthinking it and making a mountain out of a molehill and nobody even knows / cares abt me AND my work @ the same time enough to read That Deep into it. but it just fucking sucks that im so uncomfortable and insecure that i can’t comfortably fulfill literally the one single long term goal / life dream that i have. andthe thing that sucks is i can’t talk to Anybody abt this except like... my sister and brother bc they’re the only ppl i genuinely tell everything to, but they don’t have the knowledge and expertise abt art / poetry that like... my poetry prof does, for example. and my poetry prof is one of the best ppl ive ever met and the Only person ive ever met irl who respects and understands my poetry in the exact way i need someone to. she and i have been talking and she rly wants to help me publish my poetry bc she sees merit in my work and knows how bad i want to / how successful it’s been already, but i don’t know how to talk abt this to her bc im embarrassed to tell her abt posting online and being ashamed abt my muses and all that and it just!!! sucks so much bc i kinda want to publish my work @ least once before i graduate and do it semi regularly for the rest of my life? but there’s so much in my way and it’s just! FGGFHDGJGGGG

[justasouthernlady]

50 questions tag

Yah this will take a while but I love it and @katdefbeom who tagged me for this mess. 💚

1. What takes up too much of your time?

(Honesty hour?) Worrying, reading

2. What makes your day better?

Coffee / working out / sunshine

3.whats the best thing that happened to you today?

I got to see one of my sweet pals and chat with her over desserts

4.what fictional place would you like to go to?

I'm going to agree with @katdefbeom howls moving castle universe or Hogwarts for me.

5. Are you good at giving advice?

I dunno? I guess? You tell me! People say I am.. so yes?

6.do you have any mental illnesses?

Yup! Social anxiety and general anxiety.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Nope!

8. What musician inspired you the most?

To do what? Overall? Ahhh dolly Parton cos she gives no fucks and JB from got7 cos like damn boy can write a song.

9. Have you ever fallen in love?

Yes, all the time hahaha

10.whats your dream date?

Book shopping and then reading the newly bought books in a cafe, possibly holding hands while reading or just our legs / feet are touching.

11. What do others notice about you?

I have no idea. I'm nice and have good teeth? I don't feel v noticable lol.

12. What's an annoying habit you have?

I pick at my fingers when I'm nervous or anxious, and I bounce my right leg a lot.

13. Do you still talk to your first love?

Lol no. He was emotionally manipulative and a huge flaccid penis so no.

14. How many ex's do you have?

4.

15. How many songs are in your playlist?

Which one? My biggest playlist has like 500 songs in it, my shortest one has 10. But over all I'm sure it's like 7,000 songs.

16. What instruments can you play?

Flute, piano (kinda piano)

17. Who do you have the most pictures of?

I have pictures of paintings and statues from museums lol. But ahhh probs chanyeol.

18. Where would you like to go before you die?

Japan. China. South Korea. Singapore (in that order I think)

19. What's your zodiac?

LIBRA

20.do you relate to it?

Yaaaaas. A fancy bitch who loves love and tries to balance shit out. ME AF.

21. What is happiness to you?

Good Coffee, someone I love, friends, family, a good perfume.

22. Are you going through anything right now?

When aren't I going through something???

23. What's the worst decision you ever made.

Deciding to be a clingy bitch. Also getting into a serious relationship when I didn't know who the fuck I was (I was 18 like WOW girl no!)

24. What's your favourite store?

Urban outfitters and muji. Your girl is in both all the time.

25. (HALFWAY!) what's your opinion on abortion.

A woman has the right to choose, that's a decision her and her doctor need to make on whether it's right for her. My stance is "no uterus no opinion"

26. Do you keep a bucket list?

No that shit would make me anxious lol

27. Do you have a favourite album?

Not that I can think of

28. What do you want for your birthday?

Cake and books

29. What are most peoples first impression of you?

I DUNNOOOO I dont ask cos I dont want to know. But probably quiet, nice, labrador face? Too many feelings?

30. What age do you seem according to most people?

Most people think I'm like anywhere from 19-22. I look like a baby uuugghhhh. But I'm def the responsible friend and will take care of you lol.

31. Where do you keep your phone when you're sleeping?

Next to me?

32. What word do you say the most?

Probs "FUUUUCK" Or "V"

33. What's the oldest age you'd date?

32.

34. What's the youngest age you'd date?

21? Probs not though really, boys be dumb.

35. What job / career do most people say would suit you?

Kindergarten teacher or an art historian.

36. What's your favourite music genre?

Kpop as of rn

37. If you could live in any country in the world where would it be?

Ahhh Canada? Close enough to home but with universal healthcare

38. What is your current favourite song?

Too many to think of just one ahhh PASS.

39. How long have you had this blog for?

9 years.

40. What are you excited for?

Ateez concert

41. Are you a better talker or listener?

I do both very well 😂

42. What is the last productive thing you did?

Mail boxes

43. What do you want for Christmas?

Someone special hahaha

44. What class do you get the best grades in?

History

45. On a scale of 1-10 how do you feel right now?

Ahhhhhhh solid 4.5 outta ten

46. What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

God I have no idea. I'll probs have kids? And a cute dog and like a proper job? Who knows

47. When did you get your first heartbreak?

17.

48. At what age do you wanna be married?

PRESSURE. No idea. Before I'm 40 sounds good.

49. What career did you want to have as a child?

Ballerina, Veterinarian.

50. What do you crave right now?

Cant tell you, it's a secret secret.

I'll tag: @gyomies @sundropsoo @into-the-kpop-void @jongin-be-my-jagi and anyone else who feels like it 💕💕💕

[azenta]

Do a lot of 3s have emotional breakdowns bc that's me rn lmfao i think it's the pressure from everyone else and myself that's getting to me. You can just disregard this if you dont want to answer, i just dont want to talk to any of my friends bc i dont want to show this side of me to them and i think you provide good insight, if you do choose to answer this

Anyways i'm having a breakdown over the fact i regret opening up to a family member abt my depression bc i think they just invalidated my feelings (basically said dont be depressed :). And to not kill myself bc i am the so called "golden child" and that i do helpful things around the house. Like..wow ok thanks i guess so ppl only like me for the things i can do....not for who i am). I only told them about 1 event/person that has contributed to my depression. And they used that info to yell at me earlier and pretty much say it's normal amd to not let it bother me...I dont think they truly understand how much that event affected me. I guess its a good thing i only told them that and not all the other shit that i've had to deal with. I'm never telling them shit ever again. And them saying they have their own stresses too n shit like yeah i know everyone has worries but i dont think it was necessary to tell me that what i went through was nothing...Like as if i havent been downplaying my depression all these years and is probably why it's gotten so much worse now. Also they said all this while my siblings were in ear shot so now they sorta know about that incident. Which i didnt want them to know about so yeah im really not turning to them for anything anymore, that was the 1st time i ever told them something personal and they've fucked it up

The only thing i would want to tell them is how much they and this whole family makes me even more depressed so much...i fr only feel happy and relaxed when i'm alone or just not with them. I try to like my family i rly do but i just cant and my dislike of them just keeps growing more. I dont have a connection to them. I feel genuinely happy when i think of a future without them. I honestly think this family member is guilt tripping me and my younger sister with the fact that one of my older sisters had to drop out of college and get a job to help the family out. And my other 2 older siblings made some bad fuck ups that has led to more pressure and harshness on me and my younger sister to have a successful life/career. Idk why they have to yell at us about it, get mad at our mom who forced our sister to do that. I never asked to be born and tell her to do that. And they're always on my ass about my art business, they think i'm not trying and keep trying to force their advice on me like dude i got it !! Pls just leave me alone to do my own thing, art isnt easy, it's hard to get business going in tje beginning but i am really trying... they rly think my shop is gonna be popular in one week. Despite how hard it is, art is literally the only thing thats keeping me alive - to be successful in an art business and be recognized for my skills and all that is all i've always wanted. Its the only thing i'm passionate about and determined to achieve. I know what i'm doing but i really dont think they have any confidence in me. This is the only thing i've done that is genuinely for me... i've done most things to meet up their expectations, evem forced myself to go to a year of college bc i knew they wanted to me to go despite me knowing full well i didnt have the mental state to go. Im still trying to build a career for myself, but they really dont think im trying and probably think i'm gonna be a fuck up like my other 2 older siblings

Like fuck it maybe i should just die if it will make it so much easier for them. Like one less person to feed and to house. I've been wanting to die for years now, i should just do it. Sometimes i just wsnt to die to make them feel guilty lmfao but i wonder if they even care enough to feel that way. I'm most likely not going to tho since the thought of failing to do so stops me...i dont want to deal with the consequences of a failed attempt. And i'll be damned if i dont become a recognizable artist before my death. Maybe i should release all my pent up anger on them since they always seem to do that to me. Anyway. This is probablg rly over dramatic lol and stupidly emotional, i'm usually not like this, idek if i can blame my typology on this lol idk if other xntjs and sp 3w4s deal with their frustrations this way

I dont think it is related to being a 3 specifically, but rather this what made you a 3 core. The 3 core mechanisms is actually what makes you survive through this and makes you want to strive.

It's also beyond enneagram. Depression in itself is often the result of someone being stuck for lengthy periods of time in an environment and/or situation that doesn't respond to their needs or doesn't let them respond to their needs. As a side note, yes, depression can start as early as childhood, since a lot of parents are actually adults with lot of unresolved issues and who are just perpetuating a generational trauma without noticing. Some children have a temperament that makes them "adapt" to the trauma, or rather make them fit to the mold, while some other don't and feel how unfit and painful this mold actually is. Both type of children will suffer, but differently.

Being depressed even as a chronic feeling reflect how much the environment is either not suitable for the individual, even if it's family (by blood, I'd rather precise), and/or that the person is struggling to adapt to it. In any case, I would remind you it's not a question of being your fault or not, whatever they tell you and despite all the guilt you feel. It's far more complex than that. I know rationally you will get that, but it's your emotional side that need to be taken care of. You need to see what you can do to accommodate to this environment, while considering it might still be extremely difficult to near impossible for you to completely adapt to it. Lack of adaption and possibility to rearrange the circumstances (powerlessness) will result in stress, anxiety and depression, which has for goal to push you to eventually move out from this environment.

And you don't need to try to like them. You can learn to respect them as their own person, independently of you, but when you consider yourself in relation to them, don't fight the unpleasant feelings. Those feelings are here to inform you about the health of the relationship. It speaks about your need and how met or unmet they are in the given situation and relationship. What you can do is see if a compromise is possible and try to meet it. If despite your attempts your brain compute that it experiences far more bad experiences than good, then it is informing you this relation isn't that good for you (costs are greater than benefits), and from that, you do experience an instinctual response such as avoiding them in your case. Don't fight it, it makes you survive. When something costs more than what you can get, it's only natural you find ways to avoid it and that you feel depleted of energy, thus the stress, anxiety and depressive reaction I spoke above.

If you want to feel like living instead of surviving, then it will be to seek ways to rearrange your environment and circumstances little by little (which can mean changing of place, having less interaction as possible, etc). This dream you have is very important, cherish it and act on it the most you can. This is what will help you see and make the moves to create a better reality for yourself. It will take time, but each steps you take bring you closer to your goal.

Don't hesitate to seek any kind of professional help if possible. It can be a therapist, social worker, even life coach. Do little stuff that makes you feel happy or even just comfortable and relieving, even if it's just a little. Respect the days where you feel more depressed, and take the time to meditate on what are realistic goals for you this day. If you feel apathy or indifference, then your rational is having the lead, so take this opportunity to do things that would have been draining emotionally (tho your thoughts might be pessimistic when in apathy mode, those need to be tackled when you actually feel any agreeable or disagreeable emotions).

Anyway, I know you didnt ask specifically for advices, but I couldn't not say nothing about this. I just think it's normal you have this kind of reaction if you live in an environment that isn't the healthiest for you. It's normal to have emotional outbursts, especially if you usually repress all of it.

As I said, to resume, it's not a question of what type you are, even tho it speaks of what made you that type. Focus on yourself and your own aspiration, I understand it sucks to not be supported and even being discouraged from your goals. Look for ways you can "fit" in your environment that are not to costly vs the benefices you get, and work for the ways that will direct you toward the kind of environment that'll be best for you.

I know, easier said than done. See it as a big project you will need days and months to work upon. The biggest canvas/story you will have to work upon. Some days will leave you with the blank syndrome, some other the lines or color won't seem to do or fit as you'd like, and some other you will only be able to add one motif or line, but some other days it will just come perfect and you will be able to do more.

Anyway, I hope it could help you some bit. If you have any other questions or want some advices, don't hesitate to send an ask. I don't only do typology asks, I do self development and psychology kind of ones as well x)

[haeroniel-doliet]

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.