#reminded that grief never goes away. you just grow around it

[justpollux]

obviously the employees are the most important, and i'm so fucking angry they found out they were losing their jobs 0.03 seconds before it was announced publicly

but the idea of losing rwby ripped open my scars for monty. it feels like we just lost him all over again

[ghostymarni]

didn’t want to grief post on this thread, so just venting here for my own piece of mind

digital holonet entry 112824 0714hours

I’ve been on and off coping as grief does, but after seeing that post about not thinking too long about crosshair just reminded me how much I’ve kinda been avoiding drawing him.

I know I recently had a similar conversation with Lupe about this. He will always be favorite overall, but my vision for cross has artistically changed so many times because I think deep down it’s a grief truth for me that I’m struggling with. I have so many crosshair drawings I never posted because they’re just SAD. I didn’t want to turn this to a depression blog so I refrained from posting or deleted those from here.

My husband passed this summer more suddenly than I’d like to think about. He was watching season 3 without me because I was too busy with work at the time. But rewatching it after he passed had me instant hone in on crosshair + connecting the loss of my husband with the loss of tech; which gave a different part in my grief acceptance + a secondary obsession with the brilliant minded clone. It’s a reminder to hold onto everything we created and did, + to always keep thinking about him.

Crosshair returning with his brothers + not having tech there feels twice as suffering knowing what their last interaction was like. And an even deeper personal meaning knowing I see my husband in everything. In our life around us, in how I choose things, how I respond to things. (Which we see + are reminded of that tech is apart of everyone he ever met)

Self regret that we didn’t have time to have a proper last moment. It just ended. Just because you choose to accept they knew you loved them, + vise versa, doesn’t make it easier than you’ll never have them around anymore.

Which with grief, digs the vibro-blade a little deeper because you never know when your last interaction with someone is.

watching how each of them take the notion of what tech would do, picking up where he would take over. I would imagine it would catch crosshair off guard, hearing tinkering to certain data pad beeps, only to look up + see Echo fixing something, or Omega typing away. Because I literally do this with sounds I associate with my late husband.

That feeling never goes away for a loved one. His brother, his batch twin. But omega is a huge part of that healing. And she has been a huge part in mine connecting her with my kid who isn’t giving up on me + needs me. Simple intended motions go such a long way. And the scene were they’re meditating hits hard for me.

Even more so when I’m constantly shaking out my own hand to keep it under control. It’s never easy when it hits, but every scene of cross trying to get his tremors under control, is something I do more often than I care to admit. I just have to keep going.

Not seeing tech with omega, is like realizing I won’t ever see my husband with our son growing up. He’s young, + it feels more unfair. And that hurts. Crosshair is such a dynamic clone + his guilt + hurt reaches out to many people in so many different ways. Which is why I can’t think too long about him either, but he will always be my favorite overall because I see him as me.

From grief, trauma, hand tremors, loss. (if I’m being honest, I’m pretty decent at shooting actual long range rifles) there’s so much to crosshair I personally relate to, and not just his attitude haha!

Crosshair didn’t see his brother fall, but he watched another brother die in his place. An older brother that taught him a lesson he didn’t realize he needed to know until it was too late. We confirmed that from his retaliation of shooting an imperial officer, + when they returned to the deserted base; he instantly moves to set up the memorial buckets as Mayday did. A reminder of the fallen, a reminder that they existed + lived.

A lesson I have to remind myself everyday.

So what I guess I’m also trying to convey, while I see myself as crosshair, despite the grief, the false fight some days, I’ve never felt so alone than having my soulmate gone. Going from a life of fun, banter, + life for granted, to solitude and what feels like isolation.

the clone community really gave me a second chance. At me. At reconnecting with myself, my art, my humor + wit. The friendships I’ve made + are continue to make really are giving me a new fight and a new reason to just keep going.

I never share for sympathy, I don’t want to be put in a “do not interact zone”. That’s the opposite of what I need or want. I just wear my heart on my sleeve + find comfort in just being honest about struggles + how we strive to move on.

as our boy hardcase (+ echo) quote, what I try to embrace:

“LIVE TO FIGHT ANOTHER DAY”

[fryingpan1234567]

so I know… most if not all of the ships in the HTP au (@aquaquadrant and @lunarcrown) are inherently toxic and Bad™️. unhealthy.

they’re rooted in players that are literally coded to be Like That, so the best it gets is kind of like… never wanting to kill each other. that’s the bar I feel like

but I can’t stop THINKING about them because I always pictured it like— a Hels’ partner is the one person they’re sane for. the one person they’re not absolutely feral for (or maybe they are but in a good way). the one person they’re better for.

FOR EXAMPLE.

Pathbubs is arguably one of the worst ones. they’re very sweet and fluffy with each other, but Patho is constantly aware that he’s going to have to leave fairly soon, and Dbubs is either blissfully unaware or refuses to admit that he’s thinking about it. Patho will return after Dbubs’ broken heart heals, when there will be no anger, no grief, just happiness to see him again.

which is… hella toxic.

but like, picture— Patho, on his many adventures out in the world, discovers a cupcake. it’s like a normal cake, but small and travel-sized. what.

so he brings one back for Dbubs next time he visits, who is ECSTATIC and demands to know how to craft one. he declares that he hates it and then devours half of it in one bite, which Patho finds highly amusing.

or like, Dbubs wakes Patho up at the ASS CRACK OF DAWN to drag him out the front door, explaining at a mile a minute that they’re going to go vANQUISH a GREAT BEAST and— and Patho BETTER be PREPARED because this is a BIG HUGE EPIC FIGHT—

and then the vines pull them through the trees so they can see over the top of them, and there’s the sunrise. Dbubs goes quiet as Patho blinks in surprise, pink and gold light turning his hair a pleasant orange color. the red vines growing from Dbubs reach towards the sun, waving cheerfully. Patho doesn’t quite know what to say, but Dbubs snuggles into his side with a contented sigh, and he figures maybe he can stay an extra day this time around. maybe. if the itch to leave isn’t too bad.

example two: Bravo and Timmy.

(technically Bravo isn’t a Hels but bear with me here) they seem like they have the most potential to be normalish— an Overworld player and a sweet but anxious bird boy. and I think they have their normal moments, but most of the time they’re just not like that. again: it’s in their code.

but you get moments like… Timmy forgets to eat for a while, which was just a habit from living near spawn for so many years, but now that they’ve moved away, Bravo’s been pushing him to eat a healthy amount. not because he’s concerned, or anything. just. constant death messages cluttering his screen are irritating. yeah. so Timmy forgets to eat, and Bravo notices how bad his hands are shaking when he hands him the thing he asked for. Bravo sighs in (totally real and not affectionate) annoyance and tosses him some of the food out of his own inventory. they take their lunch break together.

alternatively, Bravo’s been working for hours and hours! and Timmy actually had to remind HIM to eat once or twice! and that’s not good, right? so Timmy drags him away from his work for a much-needed walk, and they have a real conversation that didn’t involve insults or excessive swearing. strange.

last one last one okay

bX and Alisker?? ship name help TvT

anyways. we don’t know a whole lot about the two of them individually or like, their backstories, but bX used to fight in the arena until Alisker freed him (some way or another). maybe he was like “hey that guy can fight maybe I should get him on my side so people are more scared of me.” but some part of me is hoping, because HelsKnight is the champion and therefore the best fighter in there (OVER bX), he still chose bX because there was something special about him. some kind of connection. it wasn’t just business. it wasn’t NOT personal!!

now there are those little canon details that are so. just. Alisker trusts bX the most out of literally anybody who works for him, enough to have him run all the errands including the high-risk ones. he keeps water nearby at all times because bX is a guardian hybrid and he wants to keep him healthy/ happy.

and then… there’s another part of me that is very concerned. the unbridled pda— Atlas literally said that was showing off a very prominent weak spot. but what if. it wasn’t. like what if Alisker isn’t worried about that, because it’s not a weak spot? if someone (probably Bravo or smth let’s be honest) had bX pinned, threatening to kill him if Alisker didn’t do whatever whatever, Alisker would be like. “eh. I don’t care. go ahead.” BECAUSE HE’S SO POWER-HUNGRY HE CAN’T COMPUTE THAT SOMETHING, SOMEONE, COULD POSSIBLY BE MORE IMPORTANT.

and maybe bX knows this. and maybe they’re cool with it. maybe it’s just the way they roll.

I just… I love the way Aqua writes characters. it’s so nice to read and conveys both personality and like goal/ ambition so flawlessly, even if they don’t get much read time. IT’S AMAZING

[miguelswifey04]

What if bubbly!reader passes away but Miguel still has to go to work but breaks down every few hours because he’s reminded of of something she did like bring him lunch or go hang out and cuddle with him while he worked and Peter b and everyone else helps comfort him yet that still reminds him of reader

you’re gonna make me break my own heart 😕 actually this gonna be the first time i write a death of a character, so let’s get into it 💔💔

miguel o’hara x bubbly! reader

warnings: reader’s death; angst

just like the wind comes and goes, you left behind a precious family, your friends, your loved ones, and miguel. you were a ray of sunshine for miguel’s darkest hours now his darkest hours had turned into his darkest days where you were no longer around to keep him going. if you are gone how is miguel supposed to live? how is he supposed to move on?

miguel had lost every little thing he could not hold onto, including you. what were you supposed to do when someone you truly loved dies? was miguel supposed to cope? was miguel to pretend to keep it going even if you weren’t by his side cheering him on and being supportive? these were the kind of questions everyone thought when they saw a melancholic miguel. a part of him died that day when you slipped away through his fingers. he couldn’t save you just like he couldn’t save his own daughter. now, surely that’ll eat him alive—his own heartbreak would be his own cause of death.

everywhere miguel goes, every smell and every thought connected to a song reminds him of you. no matter how hard he tries to be himself, no matter how hard he tries to cope—he cannot be the same person he was when you were alive, as if he can never be the same again. he tries to carry the burdens of the world on his shoulders but he finds himself cracking at the seams. he breaks down as he reminisces on the memories of you. the way you shined so brightly like a star high in the sky…or the way your smiled so big that made his heart ache that he can no longer appreciate that. the simple acts of kindness from yours truly, like you bringing him lunch or proving him that comfort and love he needed. the way you reassured him that he would never be alone.

“miguel, as long as you have me you’ll never be alone..i promise i won’t ever leave you..”

words were left empty, and promises left unfulfilled. how dare you slip away and not stay by his side, and grow old together…how dare the universe punish miguel when he himself is trying to save it..

“i love you so much, and you’re such a hardworking man. please never feel as if you have to shoulder these burdens alone. your burdens are mine to share.”

the pain had become unbearable. and it had become difficult for miguel to find solace in his daily routine. peter b and the others, observe miguel’s struggles and offer him support in their own ways.

“hey miguel? i’m sorry about them..i know how much they meant to you.” the same sentence gutted miguel and ripped his heart to shreds. they’d offer listening ears and comforting words, even sharing their own stories and memories of you. while their efforts bring miguel some comfort, they also intensify his grief, as they serve as constant reminders of the one he lost.

though time slowly passes, miguel has seemed to forgot the memories of your face..it’s not longer etched in his mind, and the way your voice sounded was now just but a distant memory. maybe, it was for the best for miguel to forgot about you and move on. maybe just maybe it may have been what you wanted. now, you’re a soul lingering in the vast universe with no memory of what your last life was, and maybe in another universe you could have had your happily ever after with miguel.

-yours truly

tags 🏷️!! @kairiscorner @meeom @sabcandoit @emiemiemiii @obi-mom-kenobi

[silversailormoan]

Want to write a FMAB fanfic so bad (but I have skill issues when it comes to plotty fics) where one of the souls inside Hohenheim is the crown prince of Xerxes and he's very determined. Determined for what exactly even he doesn't know– since it's not like he can bring his people back– but he's determined all the same. Determined to not stay with Hohenheim, maybe. Determined to go and do something, maybe.

Whatever the motivation, he manages to slip by and get into Ed's body instead during some innocuous event or the other. Maybe Hohenheim was showing the boys alchemy, maybe he was doing alchemy and the boys sneaked up on him, either way, Ed was touching him or the array or somehow, he ended up in little Ed's body.

Fascinating how this'd change the story with Ed having another soul whispering to him. He still ignores his every warning and does human transmutation. Prince/soul is pissed off because to him, the brothers are the only remaining Xerxians and his foolishness nearly made that number go to zero. The soul whispering stories of Xerxes to keep Ed company while he heals from his surgery. It's fascinating, but all Ed can focus on is the grief, the bitterness in his voice.

(it's a thousand fold of what he felt when he lost his mother, and he sees where the soul was coming from when he got angry at them. just a little.)

The soul giving Ed little helpful nudges here and there when it comes to manners. Ed's still Ed, but he'd had The Voice with him as long as he can remember and sometimes it's hard to know where Ed ends and Prince begins. Sometimes he's just a little more graceful. Sometimes his hands shake, overwhelmed by waves of anger for people he didn't know and a country beyond his time. Ed is honest, brash, and sincere, but Prince gives him careful nudges here and there, knows how to manipulate and when they're being manipulated.

(both of them don't mind when mustang does it. but ed doesn't want to play in the political game either, so he reigns in prince before the soul goes overboard with his strategizing and reminds him of why they're here.)

Ed learning about the whole dirty backstory of what happened to Xerxes in the most flippant of conversations, because while prince tells him a lot about the country itself, he deems Ed too young to know the ugly truth.

(and tries desperately to convince himself that it's not because he's terrified of sharing the knowledge. that it's not because he's too jaded and hateful to trust this one child that he has seen grow before his very eyes. that he's not scared of the power this kid can and has wielded, that he wonders how far he'd go for his little brother.)

The Soul never expects it to come out from a half bitter joke about how Ed's probably the last crown prince of Xerxes now, Ed snarking back with a reminder that he's just a soul that hitched a ride and Ed's a separate person, thank you very much. He never expected the discussion to develop from just fooling around to a full blown argument about how "you need to accept that your country is gone and let go of the past" (he thinks it's rich, coming from Edward Elric) and "stop running away from your roots (Ed sparks up at that, because he'd always be Trisha's son, first. No amount of Hohenheim's blood can change that). It's their second big argument other than the human transmutation one, and somehow this leads to The Soul finally opening up about what exactly happened in Xerxes.

He doesn't know anything other than what he's put together after listening in to Hohenheim talk for all those centuries, and it's the ignorance that chafes at him more than anything, but he tells the child everything he knows. (He tries to end it with a joke about technically Hohenheim staged a coup against the royal family and won, so Ed would be the last crown prince–and that's what he originally meant anyway– but judging by the kid's pale face and faraway eyes, he doubts Ed heard him.)

They both have a shared dark humor though, and one time Ed ended up laughing for ten minutes straight when it hit him that he has a body-less soul and a soul-less body with him, and he can't help either. (It's not a good laugh.)

Just,,,, so many possibilities

[sabo-has-my-heart]

Hi. How are you? Can you please do a Sabo x Female Reader Fluff with a little angst. The reader is Ace’s widow (and childhood sweetheart) and Sabo goes to find her and protect her but falls in love like when he was a kid again.

Hey, so... this turned out a bit angstier than I intended, but it still had a happy ending, I promise!

Warnings: angst, hurt/comfort, happy ending

Word Count: 1340

    Staring out at the water, you let your mind wander. You missed him so much, you wished he was still here, still with you. Part of you, part of you, understood why he died. He was saving his little brother. But you couldn’t help but be mad at him too. If he’d just kept running, if he’d just ignored Akainu. Tears ran down your cheeks as you continued to stare out at the water, only to be startled out of your thoughts when one gloved hand rested on your shoulder, and another began wiping away tears. 

     “I know you miss him, I do too, but he wouldn’t want you to dwell on what happened like this.” Sabo said softly, giving you a soft, comforting smile.

     “I… I know, but I just… from the moment… after you… he was always there for me. He held me as I cried, made me laugh when I was down, protected me even if I didn’t need it. Sabo, he… he was my everything.” you said, more tears beginning to stream down your face, Sabo pulling you close, one hand on the back of your head, the other around your waist as he let you cry into his chest. It reminded you so much of Ace. Ace, who would wrap one arm around your waist and one around your shoulders as you cried into his bare chest. Ace, who would say ‘hey, watch this!’ before doing something reckless, dangerous, and stupid but always helped your mood. Ace, who would beg Thatch to cook your favorite for no other reason than to make you smile. Clinging to Sabo’s clothing, you let yourself cry, let yourself mourn. Looking out at the ocean that you had just been staring at, Sabo made a silent promise to himself and his brother. He would protect you from now on. He would protect you, care for you, bring the smile back to your lips, he would never take Ace’s place, but he would be there for you like Ace had been.

     It didn’t take long for Sabo to remember his old feelings for you. Despite how you’d changed over the years, despite your grief over Ace, you were still you. You were still the same girl he and Ace fought over as kids. Not that you knew they were fighting over you, but they did. Part of him wished he could have been there, growing up with the two of you. Continuing his rivalry with Ace to win your heart, watching Luffy grow up, hunting, training, everything. He didn’t regret joining the RA, but he also wished he could have been there for his brothers, been there for you. His only solace was that he could be there for you now, that he could do something for you now. The two of you spent a lot of time talking, reminiscing, telling him stories. You told him about everything that had happened between his ‘death’ and Ace’s death. Told him about setting sail with his brother and joining Ace’s crew, about how you started dating and how you got married. It was so good to hear about Ace. Robin had told him about Luffy, but no one had told him about Ace and hearing about his brother felt so good, if not simultaneously painful. True to his silent vow, he did everything in his power to take care of you. He made you smile, gave you a shoulder to cry on, and always looked out for you. Whenever he had to leave on a mission, you were nearby; perhaps not in the direct line of fire like he was, but close enough that you wouldn’t have to spend weeks and weeks without him. 

     Sabo couldn’t help but stare at you, smiling dreamily, his head in his hand. He knew you had been his brother’s girl, that falling for you probably wasn’t the best idea in the world, but how could he help himself when you were just so… you? Okay, yes, he felt terrible for falling for his dead brother’s girl, and yes, he’d tried not to, but just like when you were kids, you’d wormed your way into his heart, seemingly without effort. Despite his attraction to you, he continued to tell himself not to do anything. No making moves, no flirting, no touching outside of comfort and friendly hugs, absolutely not! Granted, everyone saw it, or at least, everyone who wasn’t you saw it. They saw the looks, the barely restrained affection, the hidden frustration. He never let you see it though, if you saw the way he looked at you, at his brother’s girl, all he could think was that you’d be furious with him. Angry at him for loving you when his brother, the love of your life, was gone. Shaking himself out of his thoughts and daydreams, he looked away. Besides, he had other things he needed to worry about right now. He’d gotten a lead on Ace’s devil fruit, something he wouldn’t let anyone else have. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to you.

     “Hey, I uh, I’ve got a mission coming up, you’re free to come with  if you’d like, but I was gonna… I was gonna visit Ace so I thought, if you’re not ready-” “I want to come with. I… I haven’t seen him in… a while.” you said, cutting the boy off. The last time you’d been there was when he was buried, when you placed a bouquet of hibiscus flowers on his grave. 

     Looking down at Ace’s grave marker, you couldn’t help but fidget nervously. You’d asked Sabo for a moment alone. 

     “Hey Sweetheart. It’s… it’s me. I’m still here, uh, sort of. I know I’m not here a lot, but Sabo’s been taking care of me…. I miss you so much.” you took a deep breath, rubbing some tears away, “I… I feel bad, my love. When we were younger, I knew about how you both felt about me. You thought you hid it, but I knew about your rivalry…. I… I never chose because I didn’t know who to choose. You were both so great in your own ways. Both energetic, both strong, brave, and protective. Whether or not you’d admit it, you both cared a great deal and it showed. Yet so different at the same time. You were impulsive, brash, angry, and, well… a little violent. Sabo was intelligent, sweet, thoughtful, and charismatic. When we thought Sabo died, my decision was sort of made for me. I liked you both but Sabo was gone. Don’t… don’t hate me, please. Wherever you are, please don’t hate me for falling for him. All the feelings I had when we were young… I’m so sorry.” you put your hand over your mouth, muffling a small sob. You’d fallen for the blond, “I still love you so, so much, that’ll never change. But I love him too.” a warm breeze tousled your hair and caressed your cheek, making you smile, “I’ll try and visit more often, I promise and I’ll make sure Sabo takes good care of your devil fruit.” you said, kissing your fingers before pressing them against the top of the gravestone. With that, you turned around, joining Sabo as you headed back to the ship, slowly, gently taking his hand in yours. From his spot, crouched on top of the stone, Ace smiled as he watched you and Sabo walk away. Sabo would take good care of you, he’d love you just like Ace had, there was no one he trusted more with your heart than his brother. 

     “Take care of her for me, Sabo. I’m trusting you to love her just as much as I did.” the black haired boy said as he watched you look out at the sea with Sabo, your head resting on his shoulder. Sabo would take good care of you just as Ace had, because he loved you just as much as Ace had and you loved them. You loved both of them.

[alpydk]

"Lost in thought." (Gale x You)

A short fic (799 words) that I woke up with the need to write. Post Netherbrain sweetness.

The sunrise over the Waterdeep Harbour is one you will never tire of waking up to. It’s been six months since Gale and you moved to the city and each day finds you losing yourself more and more to the world around you. The bustling streets, the tastes of fine wines, the feeling of his body next to yours as you sleep.

You wrap yourself in his old robe, taking in the scents of sandalwood and cinnamon. Since the defeat of the Netherbrain, he’s not needed it anymore and although the smell of him is fading over time, you still hold it close to you remembering those early days of adventuring. A small hole is appearing in one of the seams, the stitching slowly becoming unravelled. You remind yourself that it will need fixing but it can wait, at least until you’ve had breakfast.

He tracks you with those large brown eyes of his as you stir your mug of tea. To him, you are still as beautiful as the day you first met and he would wed you a thousand times over if the opportunity was presented to him. You remember when he got on one knee, the day's light shining down on him as if he was not a human, but the God he had once dreamt of being. Oh, how you love him, your heart bound to his. "Are you alright? If you have need of me, just say the word."

You pick at your dried fruits, not feeling as hungry as you normally would. The tea is a comfort though and you wrap your hands around the mug, peering over it at the man you love. He’s wearing something tailored today. The eminent ensemble you’d picked out for him in Baldur’s Gate. He had wanted it in the subtle purple tones but you’d managed to tempt him to buy it in blue as a compromise. 

You leave for work but not before asking him for a kiss. He teases, giving one only to your cheek and you instantly pout before pulling him into one deeper, showing him with intensity how much you love and feel for him. You’d stay here forever with him if you could but no matter.

In your bag, you carry a small sketch of him. You glance at it often when you check your pocket watch, looking at the creases of his brow, the detail of the orbs marking as it wisps up his neckline. You need a more recent picture of him. One of you both together and smiling. You’ll figure out the logistics later but for now, you’ll stay lost in thought.

Waterdeep is surprisingly loud today, the morning rush causing crowding in the streets. You move with the flow of it and feel the sensation of a cool splash of water on your forehead. You look up, noticing the once blue sky is now a shade of grey and you rush along hoping to miss the moment when the clouds break. A distant crash of thunder, a static sensation in the air. When did it last rain? You can’t seem to remember. There are few rainy days now that you’re with him.

The day goes by in a blur, your mind often retreating to a glade of calm, and you gaze out of the window imagining the kisses you will request of him when you get home. You scribble notes on the parchment in front of you. You’ve taken up poetry since you’ve met him and read more than you did in your youth. You want him to be impressed by you, you want to be a better person for him. Today the words are not as fluid though, distractions in the form of clients. You do your work on autopilot as you count down the hours to your return to the tower. Right away. My pleasure.

The rain is coming down hard as you leave and your knees hurt from the cold. The bright buildings of Waterdeep now a dull grey and all you hear is the chatter of people in the streets mixed with the splash of puddles under your boots. You feel your body grow heavier as you walk, a dull ache emerging in your chest like the grief of a loved one kept buried for too long. You try to ignore the creeping tendrils that tug at you as you think of his face on the journey home. You’ll see his smile and then all will be right again with the world.

You sit down with a fresh mug of tea and switch on your computer. His face beams at the sight of you and you gaze into those sparkling eyes. "Are you alright? If you have need of me, just say the word."

[swagglessmoth]

One of the things that I LOVE about Shadows Blinding and marks it as one of my favourite fics ever, is the relationship between Sakumo and Kakashi.

Lots of spoilers (obviously)

In most fics, Kakashi’s feelings towards Sakumo aren’t really explored in a complex way. Mostly they go as far as him missing his father, we see his grief and loneliness deepening with each lose of a loved one over the years, until as an adult he heals and grows to understand his father’s decision and forgiving him. Which is completely okay! I love those fics, I love the progress as we see Kakashi healing over time. But most that I’ve seen don’t usually dwell into Sakumo’s suicide that much and the heavy impact it would have on a child at that age, that would later follow them to adulthood. Choosing instead to focus on the impact either team Minato or team 7 had on his life (which, fair, it is A LOT, but you get my point).

In Pesto’s (author) interpretation, things go a bit differently: Kakashi does miss his father, but at the same time he still deeply resents him for what he did, just like he did when he was a kid and trying to not be like his father. Except he hasn’t exactly grown out of this bitterness. For scarring him for life and leaving him alone at such a young age; for sending him to what’s essentially a cult, leaving him trapped with a family he’s not familiar with; for leaving such a deep mark, that even if he tries to escape him and the clan, they’re in every little part of his life. Such as his most signature quality, his mask, only existing because Kakashi reminded Sakumo of his brother. He hates all of this.

This Kakashi never healed from what happened, so caught up in all the deaths happening around him that he never really had time to even process it. He doesn’t even allow himself to miss his father because of all this resentment, and that’s not something that just goes away. This is why I love his relationship with Kosuke, the way Kakashi wishes he’d allowed himself to miss his father despite what he did like Kosuke does. (OH AND THAT SCENE THEY HAD AT THE END. KOSUKE MISSING KAKASHI IN SPITE OF THAT HE DID, LIKE HE MISSES HIS FATHER 😭😭😭😭😭 OUGHH IT’S SO SADD ❤️‍🩹🥀⛓️🚬🐺)

That sense of hate is engraved in him, and it is amplified by the fact that Sakumo giving him that seal essentially made him loose everything he’s known and loved once again. His whole world is destroyed, the people he loved have forgotten about him (also they are dead) (and let’s not even mention Obito). All this time he’s had his team as a source of light at the end of the tunnel, something to fight for. But he’s lost that, and with his clan that’s basically a cult and that wrinkly bitch Nana running around ruining everything, he really has nowhere to go. That one split-second decision, even if done in good faith, ruined his life.

«Tou-san fucked up» indeed (or however the quote went I don’t wanna look it up)

YOOO THAT’S WHY THE SEQUEL’S GONNA BE FIREE 🔥 🔥🔥🔥 Kakashi expecting to come back to a wasteland and being prepared to start digging graves for his dead friends (everyone bro) and instead finding an alternate-timeline Sakumo. We’re getting that deeply awkward and uncomfortable father-son bonding YEAHH 💪💪

Oh and don’t even get me started on this new timeline bro. How baby Ino appearing in the epilogue implies that this is at a point in time shortly after what would’ve been the Kyubi attack (we don’t know how Kannabi went so idk if it even happened) Rin and Obito would be around 14, 16 max. And Minato and Kushina would be around 22-24. Kakashi here is like 30, he is NOT getting his team back. And that’s without counting that with Kakashi dying by birth on this universe, there would be another kid in his place. Knowing that no other kid their age was jounin at the time, they might’ve not even been assigned for the Kannabi Bridge mission or at least done it with Minato, which already elevates their chances of survival.

He might not even get to meet team 7 personally. They’re babies rn and he’s a complete stranger to the village, a stranger on Kage level might I add (I don’t think it’s too far fetched to say that, he’s VERY powerful now, and he did become the sixth hokage without this power-up so 🤷‍♂️). They’re NOT letting him near the babies bro ❌😿

He’s alone with his father (whom he kind of hates and doesn’t know) in a world that doesn’t know him AT ALL. We have all the time in the world for group therapy, Kakashi’s gonna be demanding ANSWERS. Or maybe he’ll say “fuck this” and become a kind-of-missing-nin-but-not-really-bc-he’s-not-from-THIS-Konoha that stalks the village to make sure his loved ones don’t die this time. Yeah, I could see that happening tbh.

Idk I’m just ranting, this is gonna be messy and I’ll love every second of it 💞

[hargrove-mayfields]

Starlight in your eyes of blue

Warnings: unregulated obsessive compulsive disorder, derealization, panic attacks, accidental self-injury, intrusive thoughts, depression, mentions of character death (not real), ableism, and past child abuse.

————

One. Two. Steve’s squishy. Three.

Tap. Tap. Two fingers. Tap.

Billy’s stuck in a pattern, a compulsion. If he stops Steve won’t get home safe. He’ll lose sight of his phone, and Steve will try to call him and get worried when he doesn’t answer, so he’ll speed home and run off the road and-

One. Two. Steve’s squishy. Three.

Cell phone. Keys. Three and a half. Glasses case.

Billy’s arm is tired and he’s pretty sure he’s dehydrated from the way his head is pounding, but there’s only a few minutes until Steve gets home and then he’ll stop.

Stop. Stop sign. Yellow light. Green, go, too fast, gone. It’s time for Steve to be home but he’s still not home and Billy’s scared. He must’ve done something wrong. Forget the tapping. Are the candles lit? The doormat tilted just a little to the left? Did he remember to button Steve’s shirt from bottom top instead of top to bottom?

The worry overwhelms him like he’s never felt it before. Really he feels it every time Steve goes away, even if just for a few minutes. His heart couldn’t withstand anything happening to his best friend and lover. Real grief sets in his chest and it hasn’t even happened yet.

He bites his nails.

Until they’re raw.

Until his hands are bleeding, or were they already from the blisters on his fingertips?

Is he breathing?

God his chest hurts.

Billy’s brain doesn’t turn itself back on until he feels Steve’s arms around him, and hears his voice in his ear.

“.....I’m here.. Can you hear me?.. Baby please…”

Billy doesn’t respond yet, he only leans back into the safe embrace. Still, he doesn’t quite feel relief yet. If anything, his heart only grows heavier. A few shaky breaths brace him to speak.

“Stevie. I didn’t mean to kill you. I love you. I'm so sorry..” His voice cracks like he’s using all the force he has, because he needs Steve to know how he feels.

Because to him, this doesn’t feel real. Not the connection to Steve’s embrace, nor the floor underneath him. (When did he sit down? Did he fall? He can’t remember…)

Steve’s voice cuts through the haze like it’s projecting on a speaker, distant and warbled, “Billy, listen. You’re having a panic attack.”

It doesn’t help to comfort Billy this deep into his panic, “No. I- I- You gotta listen to me. Baby, I.. killed you. And I’m sorry. I wanted to protect you, I swear.”

“It’s okay. How about this, can you do something else for me?” Steve sounds worried. And sad.

Billy nods as a way to silently agree to do whatever Steve needs him to. His mind reasons, in this state, that if they can’t be together physically anymore, he’ll make sure Steve isn’t mad at him when he disappears.

His head hurts.

“Tell me five things you see right now.” Steve requests of him.

It takes a lot of concentration for Billy to be able to see anything at all. His eyes dart around looking for the right things, indecisive and overwhelmed by how much is in this room. It feels cluttered. Unsafe. Unfamiliar.

He brings his thoughts back to his Steve.

“The carpet. It’s brown. A-And the curtains. They’re letting too much sun in. The beams. Th-The house could catch on fire-” Billy’s breath catches in his throat just as Steve hugs him tighter, a quiet way of asking him to keep going that Billy is going to do his best to follow.

“Um, I think I see the cracks in the wall. The ones that look like spiderwebs. And the couch. I’m sorry I didn’t fold the blanket. I can do it now. Wait, sorry. Um.. I see our picture. The date one. It reminds me of when you’re here. I miss you a lot. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey. I’m here. I’m with you Billy.” Steve promises before Billy can get too upset, and once again tries to encourage him, “Can you keep going? Four things you hear?”

Billy’s throat feels dry from talking, but he refuses to give up.

“Right. Birds singing on the tree. In the tree. In the backyard. In the grass. I can probably hear the wind too. Maybe I left a window open somewhere, that’s not safe, is it? But I gotta- I have to finish this for Steve.” Billy takes a deep, if not shaky, breath, a few of them actually, before finishing quickly, a slow progression into security, “Phone buzzing and the clock ticking. Ticking.”

Until the clock triggers something worse. Billy has to count one through twelve for each hour at each tick of the clock until the next good number, which is the eight right now. The minute hand is their savior in ending this cycle several minutes later, since the hour is only five in the evening.

Despite the obvious setback, his Steve doesn’t give up on him. He just gently prompts more progress to make up for it. “Good. How about three things you feel?”

A good bit of time passes while Billy’s brain tries to distract him by listening to the clock ticks again, only he fights it. He powers through and tunes into his sense of touch instead, “Flannel. My shirt is made of soft flannel. It has snap buttons too. So they’re metal and cold. I feel cold. But also warm. I think I feel you. Your arms around me.”

“Exactly. That’s my love, okay? That’s my love with you.” Steve doesn’t sound scared anymore, so Billy must be doing a good job. He feels prepared already for Steve’s next question, and even predicts it in his own head first, “What else, do you smell two things?”

“Not burning. Nothings on fire, I promise. Just the candles. The white and black ones. To protect you. They smell like cologne. And I think the grass. Because the window is open.” Billy knows he’s explaining too much, but it makes him feel better. Now that he feels more safe, talking to Steve just feels nice in general.

One final thing to concentrate on to bring him back to himself from those spiraling depths of his disorder, “And just one thing you taste.”

That’s harder, because it’s been a while since he’s eaten anything. Shit today was really bad, all he’s had since the bagel he ate when he woke up was a stick of gum. He didn’t realize how bad this had gotten before it pushed over the boiling point.

“Mint. Just mint.”

With the concern for Billy’s safety addressed, and only after making sure he’s okay enough, Steve leaves him to get other things to take care of him. While he’s gone, so things don’t go bad again, Billy lays on his back and just breathes. In the nose, out through his mouth, sighing like it will let go of all the aching with his breath.

Maybe he dozed off, or just didn't think about anything at all for a moment, but it startled him when Steve came back, carrying a light blanket and a big reusable water bottle. That final, somewhat harsh pull back to reality sent him spinning through gravity, blinking the blur away as he processes Steve next to him, lifting his head to help him drink.

“Steve?” Billy rasps, hearing in his own voice that he’d been crying, though he hadn’t realized.

Steve responds gently, while laying Billy’s head back down on a balled up jacket that he also hadn’t noticed being placed there, and putting a wet rag on his forehead, “My love.”

“Did I mess up again?” Billy’s almost afraid to ask. His entire life Billy was called crazy. Punished for not being able to prevent these things from happening sometimes. At least they happen less now that he’s happy. Happy with Steve, who won’t get mad.

But the guilt he feels doesn’t discriminate between past and present, or depression, or anything else.

Steve has a big heart. He’s always got lots of love to give Billy, and reassurance. Maybe that’s part of the guilt, is that Steve helps him when he’s got his own worries and sensory issues to take care of.

He accepts Steve’s explanation regardless, the words, “No. You did your best. You just got upset. And actually, I think I have an idea how we can help it next time,” bringing him immense comfort.

~~~

He shouldn’t take the credit, it was Chrissy’s idea actually.

She has a guide dog that helps with her depleting vision, and more so with her PTSD. Something about the weight of her fuzzy friend laying on her chest, even as small as Chrissy seems compared to her big oaf of a poodle named Cuppy Cake, brings her back every time.

She suggested that Billy try getting a companion while she, Cuppy Cake, and Steve had gone running errands together just a few days before Billy’s big attack.

Now more than ever it’s clear something needs to be changed though, and they all figure a service dog might help.

If that doesn’t work out, adopting a furry friend might help cheer him up anyways.

The few days since the incident have been gloomy, with Billy’s hands in bandages and his eyes brimmed with tears everytime he looks at them. He barely smiles, or moves from his safe spot on the corner of the couch. It breaks Steve’s heart.

He throws out the idea on a random Saturday when Billy is zoned out over his cereal bowl, counting the pieces into clumps and only eating even numbers of them. A subtle obsession that Steve keeps a close eye on before it gets too dangerous again.

That’s why he interrupts, because Billy’s been trying to eat this bowl for hours, and it’s getting too soggy, and soggy cereal makes Billy’s palette feel gross, and that’s just going to cause a sensory overload.

“I wanna get a dog.”

Billy doesn’t look like he takes it seriously, even making a joke, “Miss Churro not good enough for you anymore?”

Steve’s ima’s elderly chihuahua. Yeah, he loves visiting her at his old house, but that stinky old pup isn’t exactly what Steve had in mind.

He clarifies, “I don’t think Churro would be a good service dog though.”

“Oh.” The answer is so simple, Steve almost thinks Billy didn’t hear what he said. But then Billy’s lip wobbles and there’s more tears in his eyes.

He curls up his hinds and rubs the tears away, over and over until his face is bright red, and Steve decides to step in and hold his hands in his own so he can keep them down on the table top instead, “What’s wrong, blue?”

A sob sneaks out of Billy’s throat. He’s probably overwhelmed and can’t speak, maybe even upset. Change isn’t good for Billy’s routines.

Instantly, Steve tries to fix it, feeling a hint of regret for bringing it up, “We don’t have to get one. It was just an idea, baby. I promise I won’t make you.”

But then Billy shakes his head, and Steve is confused. He doesn’t know what that means.

“No you don’t want a dog?” Steve gently squeezes Billy’s left hand to assign it that meaning that he spoke, to let Billy use his hands to communicate instead of his words. The right hand option means, “Or you do and you don’t want me to change my mind?”

Still crying, but a little softer, the tears are contextualized as happy ones, because Billy squeezes Steve’s right hand back. He likes the idea.

~~~~

His name is Scorp. The 60 pound pit bull is about knee tall on Billy, and can tackle him down in seconds.

Well, it’s more like affectionately pulling on his clothes until he sits down, and then Scorp pushes him over for deep pressure therapy. But still. He’s a big boy.

He’s Billy’s big boy.

His service dog.

The reason he can finally leave the house for the first time in, well, twenty-two years without feeling like something bad will happen. And if he still has those intrusive thoughts, he knows he has his buddy to help in ways Steve can’t always provide.

He loves Steve, and he loves Scorp. Like a little family of their own.

And he is happy.

————

also on ao3

[sunmoonjune]

Moonie 😭😭😭 I didn't mean to make you cry with that ask but also the reason that I thought of was because of this comment:

"Grief is the perfect way of explaining it. It's like when people say that grief doesn't go away, you just grow around it. sorta like harmonizing with a fan you can't turn off"

Because we all know that bug has gone through so much pain and grief, and ateez is there to help her go through it, to help her properly process her emotions and grief all the pain she felt.

But it will never go away, the lingering feeling of her captors' hand when she had tried to follow yunho, the feeling of soojin's hands going limp in hers, the last stroke of daia's hand through her hair, it will never go away, but instead of feeling sad ateez taught her that those memories doesn't need to bring her sadness or pain, it can bring her nostalgia and a strong will to fight for her loved ones.

And that comment also reminds me of bug's and mingi's moment when he told her his back story, like it just sounds something mingi would say to bug.

ALSO WOO HUMMING IT TO HER WHEN THEY WERE GOING BACK TO CAMP?!?!?! OOOOHHHHH MOONIE IM REREADING RN AND IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS AAAAAAHHHHHHHH I MISS MY BUG SM

keep doing you moonie take all the time you need lovely<333

no but your ask made me so <33333 like I adore you so much for that I swear :"D I definitely did not have to cover my mouth and sob into my fist reading it at like midnight when I read it :"DDD

D: that comment phrased it so well :"( that's exactly how I see grief too </3 you definitely grow around it and learn to live with it cause it never truly goes away :")

LOVELY OH MY YOUR BRAIN IS SO !!!!! it's so tragic but you explain it so well!! she'll always have those memories no matter how hard she wants to forget them sometimes cause she thinks it might be easier that way :"( but the longer she stays with atz and the more she heals and learns and grows, she discovers that she doesn't want those memories to go away :")) because now she knows what she's fighting for,, she isn't just surviving anymore, she's living and she's allowed to feel nostalgic and she's allowed to reminisce and it doesn't have to be painful :')

WEPIWEPNV I'm ngl too, I'm in the process of rewriting LTM for a /formal/ publish and I just finished writing that scene with woo and bug coming home and your ask had me SO CLOSE to adding a humming scene with bugteez :"D it just made me so <33333

thank you sm baby!! and thank you for sticking around <33 you guys really honestly give me so much motivation to write I'm so glad I was able to find ppl who love bug as much as I do :"DD

thank you thank you thank you again hehe <3333

[mojaves]

alone, fear and hunt for literally all four ocs u mentioned in the tags. aka alex, ryan, seb and andy hehe :3c

ik you asked for all four but that will kill me dead so i am doing this for alex and andy entirely bc of the loneliness question and i have too much to say about it

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

the thing about Alex is he always craved isolation. didnt ever manage to figure out how to communicate his needs with people, not that anyone would have listened anyway. he Wanted to be alone. it wasn't fun. it was cold. sad. empty. but he much preferred that over being overwhelmed. and then he died alone. for a few days no one even knew he'd gone missing, and by then it was already too late. and now he's finally been granted isolation, he wants nothing more than to Live. to enjoy the life he denied himself. to surround himself with people he loves. he craves it SO bad. but he always pushes everything away!!!!! he's scared!!! the loneliness has become too comfortable!!!!! basically: he's not coping very well

for andy, he got thrown into arasaka when he turned 18, into a role too big for someone so inexperienced and so young. he had to leave his family and friends behind. now being a corpo, everyone's in it for themselves, anyone will stab you in the back for the most petty reason ever. you have to walk on eggshells around everyone. so his loneliness was a defence mechanism. and he hated it!!! but he had no choice!!! he couldn't quit. couldn't go back home. it drove him insane and he threw himself entirely into his work to push the feeling to the back of his mind. and jesus christ it ruined him alright.

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

alex is scared of forming relationships and bonding with people!!! he never got the opportunity when he was alive. avoided it by any means necessary. he never listened to anyone, so never learned how to be like. Respectful. Friendly. he built up a wall so high it probably reaches the moon at this point. he has to acknowledge this every damb day of his life, and somehow just. carry on. he doesnt talk about it, because he Has no one for that. he doesnt know anyone like that. so he keeps it all locked away. which makes him Worse!!!! neverending cycle.

andy is. scared of a Lot of things. people, relationships, falling hard back into old habits, his past coming to bite him in the ass, when the time comes where he has to face the consequences of his actions. what he's done has killed a lot of people, and he's definitely a huge target on a lot of lists. but there's not really anything he can do about that. he has to keep going, he's not gonna cower away from the world like his brother did,,, he just has to push forward. somehow. he hates every second of it... but he's finally getting the chance to Live now, which is not something he ever thought he'd have, and he doesnt want to compeltely ruin that for himself.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

alex has been hunted all his life, in a way, by a distant family member who died decades before alex was ever born, and is one of the reasons why he died in the first place,,, she just wanted a son, and latched onto him at the earliest possible opportunity, which caused a Lot of problems for him growing up, and even after dying he cannot escape it. he's also followed by grief, everywhere he goes. that's basically his job, if i had to describe it in one word. all he ever sees is death. he also has to grieve the life he never had, every single day. he hasnt let his guard down in so long he's forgotten what it felt like

andy is always reminded of his past mistakes,,, nightmares, a LOT of nightmares. every single time he looks in the mirror, and goes to work, and sees the people who have been Directly affected by his actions. theyre still alive, doing their own thing, living it up as best they can... but that doesnt make what he did right. it doesnt make it excusable. he KNOWS!!! theyre not gonna forgive him. and they dont have to. he's not expecting that,,, it wont change what happened. all they can do is move forward in spite of it all. and also he's dating one of the ex test subjects AND an old co worker. So!!!!!!! he's doing something right.

[thesarcasticism]

i don't really get why persona 3 the answer was such a polarizing epilogue to the story. were we all too young when we played it or something? because looking back on it now, it was a perfect exploration of everyone's grief, and how it manifested so strongly in them that their personas actually stopped time because of how desperately they all wanted to go back. even if they could only see the protagonist just one more time. for just one more minute.

to say nothing of the significant character arcs aigis and yukari both go through. the way they both accept their grief and move on, resolving to change the world for the better. the way junpei and ken both feel the same, as a result of their experiences in "the journey."

i guess people didn't like it because yukari was "bitchy" or whatever, but she's very clearly grieving, it's just that her grief comes out in the form of anger. i guess sexism played a role there - women can't be angry or mean and all that. i, for one, think it was completely in character of her to react that way. the way she was so dismissive of everyone dwelling on the past when they walked through all the doors, even when confronted with her own, she was very clearly pretending. pretending like she was ready to move on. and then, finally, after aigis and metis defeat her and she realizes that only aigis can use the key now, she breaks down in tears, finally showing how terribly this situation has been affecting her, how much she was holding back, how much she was repressing.

maybe people just didn't get it because (and i think this is a good thing) they haven't had to grieve for someone they've lost. as someone who grieves for my father every day as he loses himself to alzheimer's, i felt extremely seen by the answer. everyone's reactions are things i've gone through - yukari's anger and despair and regret, ken and akihiko's desire to move on and live life to the fullest, junpei being afraid to go back, and a little bit afraid to go forward too, and everything in between. i think that grief just isn't something one can understand until they've experienced it firsthand, and that's okay. i know i didn't understand when i first played the answer. grief is one of the most complicated and complex feelings we experience. it can't be easily broken down into five stages like we all pretend it can. it's every feeling under the sun, all the time, every day. and as you learn to live without that person, as you grow around your grief, you carry that love for that person with you wherever you go. but the grief never truly goes away. you just get better at handling it. you just get better at reminding yourselves what they would've wanted for you. and you try to live for yourself, and a little bit for them too.

in my opinion, the answer was a fitting ending. it answered any lingering questions, gave all the characters closure and new motivations for their futures, and i won't pretend like i didn't shed a tear when april 1st finally came and they played brand new days.

the only legit criticism i have for this game is the same one i have for FES as a whole: why can't i directly control my party members aaaa this part of the game had some of the most difficult bosses and aigis is just powerhousing her way thru. i mean i did it but fuck me you guys. and then there's my usual criticism of no feMC (or shinjiro!!) but eh, y'all know how i feel about them

[deltaruminations]

you have to understand. i actively prefer a middle aged man. in most circumstances i would not look at a character commonly read as an older man and say “no i think he’s young actually.” but the possibilities of a Young Gaster in particular are far too compelling to ignore i think. old gaster is sad but young gaster is fucking tragic. Young Gaster is like. this guy who never had a real youth, who grew up too quickly, a young man stuck trying to fill a suit that’s too big for him, who’s doing his best to play grown-up but is fundamentally unsuited to it. he does typical idiot young person stuff like Fall In Love and Challenge Authority and Try To Forge His Own Path, normal growing-up things that should come with normal risks and rewards, growing pains, but gaster by virtue of circumstance or sheer ambition or both simply can’t experience any of this in a normal, relatively safe way, and it all goes so dramatically ass-backward that it fucking ruins him. just as he stands at the font of his own future he sees all his hopes and dreams wash away before his eyes, vanishing along with his dearest friend, and it’s so traumatic that it leaves him frozen in time, and the only future he has left is to live in his past, working desperately to fix it. his life was “cut short” in a coming of age story gone cataclysmically wrong, leaving him immortalized in a limbo between stages — not quite an adolescent, not quite an adult — which becomes all too literal when he lands himself in a universe where time is barely real, a universe that is itself frozen in grief, a universe full of cruel reminders of everything he lost, people who look like the people he knew but who aren’t the same, a universe that traps him in his regrets and will never let him move on, a universe where he can’t even age, and it drives him so mad that he literally becomes immortal just to escape it. he’s the embodiment of a very particular nightmare: having to be a freshly-minted adult forever, a young man in a box with a Geiger counter and two flasks — one makes him larger, and one makes him small — who eludes observation, his reality never resolving either way, stuck as ever in a place between. he speaks like a man, presents himself as a man, he has a doctorate and a stacked resumé, he projects stoicism and self-control, is by technicality and necessity performing all the man-ness expected of him, but under the mask he’s still kind of just a boy. a boy, shy and insecure, worried about what other people think of him; playful, fond of puzzles and games; curious about others and desperate to connect with them, for them to like him. a boy unsure of who he’s supposed to be, how he’s supposed to fit into the world around him. a boy perhaps committed to a lost friend with all the sincerity and heartache of first love. a boy trapped where his heart would be, who rattles his ribs like prison bars and begs to see the light.

and he sees these kids, these “WONDERFUL” kids having their own comings-of-age, and it’s not just that he sympathizes with them in a kindly, paternal way — he relates to them. they’re his siblings, his classmates, they’re him, approaching the same point at which his life really ended, so close to making the mistakes that he did. he makes them a friend, a boy like them, like him, but a better him, someone more like that other boy his friend liked so much, one who’s sweeter and kinder and, most importantly, who knows what he couldn’t have known back then, and hopes they’ll have better outcomes than he did. at the chance to meet one of them in person, he hides meekly behind a tree, loitering in some special place, inviting them into an uneasy, naïve dance, and he offers them pure, unshattered potential — a future he can’t have, but they can, and asks them to take it in their hands. a big brother, not as cute or cuddly as asriel, but one who’s trying his hardest to be a grownup for them even though he can barely even be a grownup for himself. what i mean is young gaster may not be as hot as DILF gaster but i think he’s worth a place in your headcanon zone. thank

[5sosfanfictioncatalogue]

(TW) Grief Masterlist

Awkward (ao3) - Headgehog_Louis007 calum/ashton, michael/ofc T, 110k

Summary: Why must I be so awkward around people? Or right because I don't talk.

Can't Quite Reach (ao3) - 1loulu5 michael/ashton M, 1k

Summary: He didn’t know that he’d have to watch Michael fall apart.

~~~

Ashton kills himself, and he's forced to spectate the love of his life.

Days in the sun (ao3) - Calumthoodshands (tndart) luke/calum, ashton/ofc M, 200k

Summary: Calum and Ashton live a quiet life in the south of France — until Luke shows up to get away from his busy life as a singer and the past year. Neither he nor Calum have any intention to get over their mutual aversion, but apparently this summer has other plans for them.

Five Things Luke Hemmings Thinks About (ao3) - zaynshoran (oneswhonever) luke/calum, past luke/ashton M, 833

Summary: What Luke thinks about after Ashton's death.

Ghost of You (ao3) - Schokocookielover michael/luke N/R, 1k

Summary: One second. Every day, when he woke up, the world granted him one second of happiness and peace. Sometimes, the second seemed to pass in half the time, but other times, like today for instance, it seemed to slow down, as if it was slowly waking up itself. Taking its sweet time to move on as slowly as possible.

I'm not fine at all (no I'm really not fine at all) (ao3) - coolbabyblue luke/calum T, 4k

Summary: Everything happens too quickly, between the sound of screeching tires and smashing glass. A car hurtling toward Luke's side of the car in the corner of my vision at the last second.

I Should Let it Go (But I Can’t Watch Us Fade) (ao3) - thethingaboutashis calum/ashton M, 12k

Summary: Calum goes through the five stages of grief after coming home to find his world turned upside down.

losing him was blue (like i'd never known) (ao3) - mukelftv luke/calum T, 1k

Summary: how do you measure a year?

no body, no crime (ao3) - jbhmalum luke/ashton, luke/calum, michael/calum M, 11k

Summary: “Calum’s been cheating on me.”

The words are blurted out just like that. They echo loud in the restaurant, drowning out any other sound. Ashton blinks.

“What?”

He expects Luke to shout gotcha! before telling him he’s just been fighting with his family or that he didn’t get the promotion he’s been wanting for months. He expects anything that would tell him this is just a cruel joke.

None of that happens. Instead Luke’s eyes fill with tears before he breaks down into sobs, hiding his face behind his hands.

OR

the no body, no crime songfic no one asked for

our house on fire (we're burning) (ao3) - angorwat luke/calum T, 4k

Summary: calum is four weeks pregnant when michael crashes the car.

shot of truth (ao3) - flowersforlukey michael/luke T, 1k

Summary: “Careful timid steps,” Michael reminds himself, growing frustrated over the fact that it’s Luke who says those words in his head but when Michael says them himself, they only come with the rough scratch of his voice.

Or, Luke dies from months of suffering from acute leukemia and Michael relearns the steps to their waltz.

skies grew darker, currents swept you out again, and you were just gone and gone (ao3) - merlypops luke/ashton G, 1k

Summary: 'Ashton was the gentle breeze and the cry of the birds and the warmth of the setting sun on the other side of the planet. Ashton was the sun and the moon and all of the stars... and Luke was just Luke.'

Ashton is gone and Luke tries to carry on.

Based on "This Love" by Taylor Swift.

Still Can't Sleep On Your Side (ao3) - beendreaminglikeafool michael/luke M, 6k

Summary: Out of the three, Luke's death affected Michael the most. After finding out, everything came crashing down. Any kind of light or happiness was gone from the blonde, replacing it with darkness, sadness and grief. Like all the colors of the world washed away, and all that was left were blacks and greys.

You Will Be Okay (ao3) - Marauders0exe michael/luke, calum/ashton N/R, 22k

Summary: Luke goes home with Michael for the holiday, the first one without his parents. The week doesn't go as planned- with Luke's episodes coming back more frequently and Michael's obsessive need for everything to be perfect. The engaged couple are more stressed out than ever, but they both put on brave faces- or so they thought.

[unknownentry404]

Crowley has been nudging Aziraphale towards being critical of everything around him, for 6 thousand years.

In this season we really see him pick his battles: he either just concedes, to avoid a fight: like apologising when he was right to be concerned and feel threatened by Gabriel. (He’s not sorry at all for what he said, but he cares too much about Aziraphale to leave him on his own if he won’t see reason).

Or finally snapping and being blunt with what’s going on. Though again, he appears to do that less and less, because he knows Aziraphale has never been able to hear these hard truths, and the end was his last ditch effort at trying to get through to him. Now, the rest has to fall to Aziraphale to grow on his own, because Crowley can’t force him to.

And okay: not enough people have been talking about this minisode, so I HAVE to! All the others are excellent and all but I just keep on coming back to the Victorian one with the grave robbery.

That whole “episode” Crowley is trying to teach Aziraphale something. About how life isn’t fair, about social status and capitalism. How there are so many hardships taken for granted and how much GOOD Aziraphale can do for these people. About how he, Aziraphale, has the power to just GIVE THEM ENOUGH MONEY to live the rest of their days happy and free of poverty!

There’s so much in this episode about how Crowley wants Aziraphale to know the power he has? How much he can help people, with little miracles? How much GOOD he can do? That Crowley CANT openly do, because he’s not ALLOWED to??

He spends the whole mini-sode trying to nudge Aziraphale towards seeing the complexities of human life. And how sometimes “being good” is a luxury. (And this point even ties into the Job episode, cause here we have Job: tested beyond belief and PASSING, but if not for the “conniving” of a Demon and the compliance of an Angel: his children would be dead, his wife most likely smited for her blasphemy due to her grief, and Job would be expected to be GRATEFUL for it?? How fucked UP is that, Angel?)

Instead Aziraphale spends the episode ping-pinging between who is “good” in this scenario, and who is “evil.” First the graverobber is evil because of her grave robbing for a quick buck, then no it’s the doctor for taking advantage of it and unfairly paying tuppences for a dangerous job (which yeah honestly, fuck the guy), but wait! No! He’s actually a doing a Very Important job for the Greater Good! And saving lives! So Graverobbing is GOOD actually, and they should be doing it. In fact, Wee Morag should join in too! It’s God’s work and- oh fuck, Wee Morag’s Dead and the other one is about to kill herself and how did this all turn out so-

And then Crowley says, enough is enough. Enough nudging. Here’s your answer Angel: YOU pay her the spare change in your pocket, giving her enough to live a good, long life. Get a promise out of her to be good if you need, because damn if she wouldn’t do anything to survive, and being Good is Easy now. And that’s all you had to do see?

But he also needs “liquid courage” to do it, because openly doing Good is not something an Demon is supposed or allowed to do. And not ten minutes later, yes there he goes, down to hell, presumably to be punished and tortured.

It reminds me of just government programs, and how easy it is to take away someone’s benefits or home or life, but how hard it is for people to get those things and keep them. How everything “good” is walled behind cabinets of paperwork and burocuracy and politics.

One cannot simple “feed and house the homeless,” even though the world has enough food and houses. And one cannot simply “do miracles for others” whenever they want, because there is a quota and an Ineffable Reason behind everything! She’s Testing them!

(Nevermind that a Demon can do as much has they desire, that there is no maximum on Evil Deeds that can be done-)

This was long and rambling, but to conclude: Crowley is just so tired and jaded with the system. And I do think some part of Aziraphale see that! Sees all the good Crowley wants to do, and thinks if he could only make Crowley an Angel again, that it would fix everything for him! Crowley WOULDNT have to hold back! He could do all the good he’s not allowed to do! . .

But what Aziraphale doesn’t see, is that the answer to that ISNT Heavan. And Crowley currently CAN do good precisely BECAUSE they aren’t being beholden to any one Entity.

Like, another thing that really sticks in my head is how he saves the Community Leader, but pretends he doesn’t? Because like: most people I’ve seen seem to think he brought him back from the dead? But, that’s been pretty well established as something that isn’t really done. I believe he does a trick very much like how he saved the Goats and Job’s Children. I’m not sure exactly what he does, but I think it’s something like switching guys body with his newspaper, which we can see has many bites taken out of it.

Meaning, his whole panic at the door was a bit of an act. He had it under control. And it just makes me think of how many other secret miracles he’s done for humans over the centuries. . .

Which too makes me wonder how he got caught in the Victorian episode: perhaps it was too blatant, drinking the poison someone meant to use to take their own life. As opposed to turning people into animals, which can be written off as Demon Hijinks.

Anyway, I have a lot of feelings, none of which are very cohesive. Love him but Aziraphale, (lovingly but definitely derogatory), has got a LOT of work to do himself and Crowley can’t do it for him. He can’t hold his hand through it anymore. He’s done his best over the centuries to plant the seeds and sometimes outright call Aziraphale and Heavan out. But. It’s Aziraphale’s journey now, and now he’s got to do the hard work. It all rests on him to grow, Crowley has done all he can do, for now. . .

(Thanks for coming to my ramble of a Ted Talk lol).

thinking about Good Omens 2. and stories, and the shape of them, and Terry Pratchett and his themes. and something clicked.

Aziraphale is cackling.

it's not just the ball. he spends the entire season trying to force the story into a shape it's not, and everyone suffers for it.

i've seen some less than charitable takes on Crowley's actions and they all ignore how much Crowley did try to talk to Aziraphale, did try to ask Aziraphale questions, did try to help, only to be ignored or brushed off. because his questions, his offers, they didn’t fit with the story Aziraphale was telling himself.

quiet, gentle, and romantic. it was, if you're our favorite Angel - right up until the end, at least. because he decided that's the story he was in. from the very beginning, he's off in la-la land, living out this romcom with a cute little mystery wrapped up in it, completely ignoring what's actually going on around him. i'll set Nina and Maggie up! (completely ignoring that Nina tells him she has a partner, and at that point, he has no reason to think she's anything less than happy.) i'll take ~our~ car to go do investigate this silly little mystery (he's not taking it even a little bit seriously!) while you stay here and run the bookshop and it will be so quaint and domestic! soon we'll dance and confess our feelings that we obviously share because we're already so clearly a couple we just need to finally say it!

Crowley knows the entire time that they're in a horror story but Aziraphale ignores every attempt he makes to point that out because it doesn't fit the story he decided he's in the middle of.

he brushes off Crowley's concerns and questions - his QUESTIONS! - like they're nothing. he doesn't want to see it, so he doesn't. and Crowley should have told him more?

why would he?

when you are CLEARLY in distress and it's being BLATANTLY AND WILLFULLY IGNORED, what the fuck are you supposed to do? "Crowley didn't comminicate" well okay if I were having a panic attack about something and my husband completely ignored it, chattering on about our dinner plans or whatever, that wouldn’t exactly make me want to open up about what was wrong! that would send the very fucking clear signal that he didn't want to know!

words aren't the only way we communicate and Crowley's body language, the entire season, is that of someone who is living in a horror story, knows he's living in a horror story, and is fucking terrified. if Aziraphale were paying any attention to Crowley instead of focusing all his energy trying to set things up just so for the big climax of his love story, he would know something major was wrong.

why would Crowley have told him how cruel Gabriel was about the execution when Aziraphale's already so thoroughly convinced that heaven is pure and good and has shown over and over through the millennia that he's not really open to considering that it can be cruel!

just look at them at the dance. Crowley freaking out because there's a horde of demons out there and Aziraphale giggling as they go to dance. that's the whole season!

you know who Crowley reminds me of this season?

he's watching helplessly and with increasing levels of distress as Aziraphale shoves every plot point into the romcom hole even though it's obviously not remotely romcom shaped! and i'm sick of people saying he was abusive because he raises his voice about it a few times!

[alonglifeofgratitude]

The power of Empathy

Today has been a pretty interesting day. I ate breakfast, packed, and left out the door on my way to my destination. I got lost and misdirected by "Apple Maps" and felt a bit of frustration, although I knew that I had all day to get to where I was going. After all, the place I was en route to wasn’t going to close until 10:00 PM.

There was a man I overheard talking to the bus driver about how he was grieving his friend, by the name of Amy. As he continued speaking, he told the bus driver about his friend who had passed away. In the middle of the conversation, he stopped himself, paused, and then said, "Man, I’m going to stop mentioning her because the thought of her makes me cry."

Although I never knew this man, nor have I gone through the ups and downs of dealing with the death of a loved one, it resonated with me deeply. I then checked out of their conversation and looked at my "Apple Maps" to see where I needed to go to correctly get to where I was longing to be.

"Can you tell me what stop and bus I need to catch?" I asked the struggling man. Softly, he said, "Kindly, I will guide you, brother, in the direction that you are trying to reach." I responded, "I appreciate it."

Here we are at the train station. He is in front of me, carrying his wagon of items. I sit there patiently, waiting for him to gather his things as we walk toward the elevator. He says, "You know, it costs nothing to be kind." Then he followed up with, "My friend Amy would always be lost, and I had always been there to show her around." He sighed and said aloud, "I miss you, Amy." At that moment, I resonated with his tone of despair and replied, "I’m missing someone too right now, and it’s not easy. Grief is real." He responded, "Yeah," and we entered the elevator.

The train arrives, and while we are on it, he tells me how he knew his way around the city and how he had lived in a plethora of big cities. "I’m not too much of a super-city enthusiast," I replied. "I enjoy being in a calm environment." I asked him about his favorite city, and he responded, "Indianapolis," although I can’t remember how the conversation transitioned.

He started saying how he appreciated just having someone to converse with and listen as he vented about personal things in his life, like family issues. He then revealed that he was 77 years old and had just now begun to process the things happening in the external world from a new perspective.

He claimed that he had been receiving downloads of information and said to me, "Once you know yourself, you can’t be 'fucked with.'" He then followed up with, "Don’t take what I said in an egoic way. Instead, use it as a seed to be comfortable in your own skin. When you know this information, you start seeking fulfillment internally instead of searching for validity outside of you."

"This is a thought process I’ve been practicing for a while, and I’m grateful to have realized this early," I said. "This interaction  goes to show that through our own suffering, we can empathize with people and continue to grow." Although Mr. Stancer, who lost his friend, and I, who was dealing with a recent heartache, were going through different scenarios, in retrospect, we were both dealing with a form of grief.

Moments like these remind me that I am not alone—and neither are you. It’s funny how synchronicities show up when you start realizing more about life.