#remember to leave your thoughts!!
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got a worm nibbling my brain. can someone help me find a piece of obscure media?
webcomic/indie comic from the 2010s. basically a sci-fi short story about a young girl (with red hair?) who was being raised by scientists as part of an experiment. she receives a haircut/has her head shaved, in preparation for her annual brain scan/testing. it is revealed that while her body is human, her "brain" is artificial, made of computer implants throughout her skull and spine. at some point her biological mother (also a scientist on the same campus?) encounters her and is repulsed, viewing her as a machine who has murdered her daughter.
it was very poignant and it bruised my heart and i can NOT find it anywhere
#i thought it was made by the creator of 'O Human Star' for some reason but apparently not?#goddammit goddammit goddammit#'i don't have to write down the title of this piece of media i encountered in my formative years bc i'll always remember it'#*cut to ten years later frantic googling*#fun fact 'a.i.' is now a completely useless search term#google in general is useless#and stuff i read 3+ years ago regularly vanishes from the internet#bookmarks are not enough! if you like indie media--download that shit! buy digital/physical copies while you can#save it to the cloud back it up and organize that shit!!!#keep a list of the stuff you read (organized by date/media type and possibly with keywords if you want it to be useful longterm)#(or a spreadsheet even if you're like me and rabidly consume short stories/comics like a pack of amnesiac piranhas on a feeding frenzy)#(that stuff PILES UP over the years ok. if you wanna make sure you'll be able to find it again a decade later--curation is key)#because art WILL touch your soul and then vanish into the void leaving naught but a 404 Error in its wake#i am an old man shaking my fist at the kids on my lawn but the kids on my lawn are me and my longterm digital planning skills circa 2012
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Snap: *draws a Megaman-inspired Magneto*
Me: ...Perfect modernization.
wait now that its not 3AM i can do you one Slightly better
bonus:
#xmen#xmen comics#magneto#erik lehnsherr#erik magnus lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#snap sketches#this is legitimately the most self indulgent thing ever ive been wanting to draw magneto like a robot master for months vjAELKJAE#i thought about adding the little 'ears' robot masters/reploids have but not this time#whats funny is that during my initial redesigning i WANTED to pay homage to erik's trench coat look buuuutt i couldnt figure how#so thank you sigma for. letting me steal your shit vjELKAEJ#i havent drawn megaman characters in like. years good lord- whats funny is that magnetman Was one of my faves to draw#which doesnt mean much since i loved drawing pretty much all the robot masters equally LMAOOO#i remember some freak got pressed at me for doodling metalman during class once like dawg what is your problem#bruv leave me ALONE let me draw you are not my mom#anyway. as i said last night i dont have my usual evening class so i figured id fill the time doodlin these#they didnt take long- i think thats why i like drawing This magneto outfit so much#reminds me of my megaman doodlin days ... also it's genuinely just quick as hell WHICH. makes sense#all that done im done megaman-inspired posting thank you for the opportunity anon im glad you appreciated it :]]#im gonna go eat now my tummy rumblin. theeeeeeen i guess ill drive home ???? i guess.#it's almost saturday so that means i get to post more asks- ive been hoarding them throughout the week#so i apologize if some people have been waitin i PROMISE i havent been ignoring i just wanna draw somethin for it </3#ok im eating now BYYYYYYEEE
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Alternate timeline where Stanley doesn’t accidentally ruin Ford’s project but he still doesn’t get into Geek Life University bc some kid showed up with a baking soda volcano
#Happens every time I’m telling ya#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#a tale of two stans#Y’all I just thought of smth fucked up#Remember that baby pic where ford was reaching towards the yellow triangle?#What if bill’s always been there#Cuz perpetual motion machines aren’t scientifically possible (think it’s bc entropy or smth to do w/ thermodynamics)#Ford couldn’t have made one—no one can#Either he was scamming them or (if what I said abt bill above is correct) *he* fucked w/ Ford’s machine to make it weird#Bc ford getting into a top school means he has more opportunities which means a better chance of getting the portal built#And then when Ford starts being like “screw your cipher” bill’s like “oh you think you can just *leave* me; I *made* you sixer!”#“I’m the reason you got into that fancy pants college! You honestly think you could’ve built that machine#We may be a team but I’m the mvp—always have been”#Okay I know it’s far-fetched but what is the gf fandom if not full of far-fetched theories (ain’t even a theory really more like an excuse#for angst and also bc of the fact that Ford invented Physics Breaker 5000 was slwsys a sticking point for me FOR SOME REASON)#Like I truly don’t know why that of all things bothers me#I really did just devolve into fanfic in the tags of a shitpost—oh and ig ford got into west cost in that au/version of events#shitpost
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There's a user going around currently reblogging/commenting on antiLO content with the intent of "digging up dirt" on people who simply read and enjoy the comic. Basically demanding the OP's of such posts to inform them of any 'stans' so they can add them to a 'list' that they absolutely do not have any good intentions to do with, along with making some very unsavory and completely unwarranted comments about the fans in general (and I don't mean the usual "lmao LO fans are weird/dumb/etc." stuff, I mean genuinely cruel wishes to have the fans of the comic doxxed/harmed/etc.) I have blocked this user for obvious reasons, and if you get a similar reblog or DM like I did from this person, I hope you'll do the same.
Please do not play into this. As much as I and many others talk shit about this dumpster fire of a comic and its questionable if not outright controversial writing and messaging, none of us have any right to go after any of the fans or stans directly. At best that would just be proving to the fans who already hate this part of the fandom that we're boogeymen out to get people, at worst it would be a betrayal to our own integrity as human beings who should be capable of discussing media without turning it into a harassment campaign. Making shitposts about the media and the fandom is fine, discussing the media itself and the creator who made it within our own little spaces of the Internet is ultimately harmless so long as it's managed within reason, but deliberately going out of your way to dig up personal information on innocent people within the fandom for the purpose of ruining their life is not okay and if you ever get to that point where you're trying to rationalize going after people directly, you need to log off.
#and yes this is a reminder to myself and those who enjoy my content as well#i know i'm REAL GOOD at talking shit#but i don't do what i do here with the intent of starting a mob#i'm here sharing my thoughts on media that i both like and dislike#that is not permission to go on your own justice crusade using what i do here as rationalization for your actions#i have and will continue to block anyone who comes at me with these kinds of requests to name drop people#i've done my part in the past to help protect this community from bad faith fans with bones to pick#but we have to remember to protect the community from ourselves too#idc how much you look up to me or my work here#i will absolutely not be made into some martyr for a cause i don't believe in and do not condone.#leave people alone.#lore olympus critical#anti lore olympus#lo critical
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Top 10 Gintaka moments
(Arranged chronologically because it was too difficult to choose. Spoilers ahead.)
1. Takasugi's laugh
After many encounters challenging the dojo, Gintoki sees Takasugi laugh for the first time, which becomes a core memory of his, a symbol of how things used to be and what he wants to preserve (ch. 517).
2. The promise
Surrounded by enemies, Takasugi asks Gintoki why he decided to join the war, to which Gintoki replies that, like him, it was not for a noble cause. At this, Takasugi recognizes that the two are good-for-nothing warriors, but asks Gintoki to take care of their sensei in case he dies. Likewise, Gintoki asks Takasugi to stay alive (ch. 516).
3. Gintoki's tears
Right after their sensei's death, Takasugi furiously runs towards Gintoki until, for a split second, he sees him crying. This becomes the last thing he saw with his left eye, a core memory that reminds him of the pain and grief they experienced (ch. 520).
4. Reunion at the festival
After 10 years of not seeing each other, Takasugi sneaks up behind Gintoki and threatens him with his sword, commenting on how easy it was and that he has become weak. He also tells him about his plan to kill the Shogun, claiming that within him there is a black beast that seeks revenge. At the same time, he confronts Gintoki for looking away from the past, making him unable to understand his feelings. To this, Gintoki responds that it's a shame that he underestimated him, which can be read in both a physical and emotional sense. It's assumed that they separate without another word (chs. 30-31).
5. They were the same
During a conversation with Nobume, Oboro asks her if Gintoki and Takasugi look like their sensei, to which she answers no, that the true resemblance was between them, since both had eyes full of sadness. As she says that, Gintoki and Takasugi can be seen passing each other, but only the former turns around to check that the latter is gone. It's worth mentioning that Gintoki warned Takasugi to be careful if he saw him walking down the street in chapter 97, but in the end he decided to not do anything (ch. 398).
6. Confession and realization
After their fight, with both of them on the floor, tired and full of injuries, Takasugi opens up to Gintoki about his suffering. He confesses to him that his face was the last thing he saw before losing his left eye, how devastating it was to see him cry, and the enormous survivor's guilt he feels, because he understands how much Gintoki loved Shouyo. To this, Gintoki responds that he didn't choose him, but simply knew what was important to theirsensei, thus lifting the burden from Takasugi's shoulders. Not only that, but Gintoki also confesses that, despite everything, he continues to see him as a fellow disciple of the Shouka Sonjuku and a comrade, whose soul he will protect (ch. 520).
7. Sword exchange
After a long coma, Takasugi awakens in Rakuyo and throws his sword to save Bansai. Likewise, Gintoki launches his bokuto to save Shinpachi, leaving them both unarmed. This is when they decide to take each other's sword and protect what is important to the other, reinforcing the message that a sword is made to protect the soul, and on other occasions that it even embodies it. Afterwards, they pass through hordes of enemies in order to see each other again, defending the other from an imminent attack and retrieving their weapon while locking eyes and making snarky remarks (ch. 573).
8. Pep talk
While everyone on Earth seems defeated, Gintoki hears a familiar voice over the radio. Hundreds of kilometers, far up in space, Takasugi tells him that they have everything under control and encourages him to continue fighting. Likewise, Gintoki assures him that on his side they haven't lost yet, and playfully encourages him, asking if he has already been reduced to junk. Despite being injured, Takasugi tells him to be ready when he comes for him, to which Gintoki smiles (ch. 650).
9. Let's rescue sensei
The greatest tragedy in Takasugi's life is not only the death of his teacher, but also that Gintoki had to be the one to kill him. Aware that he has little left to live, he admits that now he can be a little more honest with what he really wants to do. After fighting Gintoki as a way to punish himself, he's now able to recognize that he wishes to fight alongside him, while also wanting to alleviate his suffering by sharing the burden of his actions that day. Upon hearing this, the serious expression on Gintoki's face turns to astonishment at being able to achieve mutual understanding and once again have a common goal that is deeply personal to both of them (ch. 682).
10. Born under the same star
While Gintoki's eyes reflect the despair he feels at having to strike Takasugi's body, he remembers their childhood together. Gintoki fought very hard to protect everyone, but Takasugi fought even harder to protect him, and although Gintoki was definitely not ready to lose him, Takasugi was content with the idea that he had prevented him from killing their sensei once more. Knowing that he has little time left, it's Gintoki's turn to be more sincere. He embraces Takasugi and reassures him, acknowledging that he did indeed manage to protect him and that he wished they could have drunk together more often. But Takasugi tells Gintoki he doesn't want to hear him like this and he asks him not to send him off with a sad face. Mustering willpower, Gintoki smiles and tells him to wait for him in hell, which becomes the last sight from Takasugi's right eye as he smiles back before dying. No longer able to restrain his emotions, Gintoki weeps as he watches the sunset (ch. 703).
Part (1) (2) (3) (4) (Bonus)
#Gintama#Sakata Gintoki#Takasugi Shinsuke#gintaka#takagin#I'm not crying ur crying#Wanted to post this for Pride. Clearly I didn't but here it is at last!! (pretending it hasn't been over a year in my drafts)#Partly to remember the chapters since I only save the images then I forget the number and have to look for it again like an idiot#And also bc it's still a hyperfixation ngl lmao#I really thought 10 moments would be enough but as I went on I realized I was leaving stuff behind#I've a list lol but if anyone has more ideas for moments you can send me a message or write it in your tags#Much more could be said about some but I tried to be ✨concise✨#I can write#Top 10 Gintaka moments#my post
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omggg the new fic was ADORABLE. I was sitting here going hehehe giggling kicking my feet
also before this fic I imagined Max's minecraft house being a dirt box or a whole in a mountain, but now. Yes, Max would absolutely build a wooden cottage with flowers and probably every breed of cat and dog and then call it his fort. you are as always so correct
if they played together I can see Charles just running around collecting flowers. also he would absolutely get scared by an endermen and their spooky noises
No but I feel like Max would be so blind to what he's actually made it and still genuinely think it's an actual fort meanwhile Charles is just like.. honey are you sure you know what a fort looks like..?
And absolutely, Max will be hard at work gathering actual food and supplies while Charles will be prancing around picking flowers and screeching at Max to come save him at every enderman until Max switches it to peaceful mode
#i feel like charles is the boyfriend who always switches his brain off and lets max handle things#like max remembers where they parked the car#max remembers which way they came into the mall#max knows how to deal with endermen chasing him while flowerpicking#max knows when they need to leave to be on time for flights#charles in his daily life is just head empty no thoughts#max knows what's going on#and max is just like oh my god how did he survive on his own this long#asks#yours verse#yours verse yapping
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Actually I'm deleting the app. Peace out Tumblr, its been a hell of a decade.
Cohost, Bluesky, twitter, Steam, Twitch, and Discord are all: Windfaemaiden
Might be all lowercase on Discord, and thats the best place to reach me. After that I might be on Cohost, my Twitter is a bit dead, and bluesky is. Eh. Talk to me on steam if you wanna game.
My alt accounts here are Windfaemaiden for my art blog, and my alt blog which is 18+ is mothgirlmilk.
I might check desktop tumblr in a while but this place has become too hostile and its just painful. I met the love of my life here by talking about Metroid. I love this girl so much and the place we met has been so actively hostile I just can't be here any more and it sucks so much. I get sentimental about so many things and I'm crying over losing the place I met my wife. Fuck.
I'm gonna miss a lot of you, if we ever even exchanged a reply or dm or ask or two, I would love to hear from you in the future. If this place gets better I might even be back, who knows. So many of you have become friends and people in my circle who I love to learn about.
💕💕💕💕💕
#runa diary#Maxine if you see this I'm sobbing rn this sucks so much#It feels like I'm leaving a little bit of both of in the past.#Like. Idk. This is where we met. This is where we met ;;^;;#I know I get to see you in person now and we have so many ways to talk now#But I think I'm just remembering our little talks on here and memories that I guess were made here#And its making me sob. Buh.#I love seeing your little thoughts and I love seeing you get excited about things and I love seeing the side of you#That I initially fell in love with#If you ever feel like it I'd love little messages just talking about the kind of stuff you say here. I love small talk with you#Thats what I'm gonna miss the most.#Just. Your presence in a place I can visit from my phone.#ily Maxie I'll talk to you in the morning love <3#This is a love letter to ourselves from over 2 years ago and how we met and fell in love
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I keep starting and abandoning posts that go into my drafts, as I try to stay tasteful about how fucking revolted this part makes me. Like, I'm legitimately unsure if the very relevant trauma I have is making me see things that aren't here
But first we see that Star Flower is trying to ingratiate herself to the group, just after she reappears from chapter 5. Chapter 5 is about how Clear Sky is still abusive towards his son, and she comes in after stroking his ego, stressing how alone she is, and appealing to how she'll be loyal unlike his child. (She glances over at Thunder, directly implying this.)
Now in Chapter 9, she's babysitting and trying to care for Milkweed's kits (in spite of discomfort from Milkweed), taking a wet sleeping space away from the others, and pulling more than her own weight "without complaint." Putting herself through harsh sitations to prove her worth.
All while trying to appear extra attractive to Thunder, and later Clear Sky. Basically every man in power who can "protect her"
Like, am I going fucking crazy? With how we later find out that Star Flower was "promised as a mate" to One Eye's subordinate Slash, is... is that hypersexualization? One of the extremely stigmatized symptoms of sexual abuse?
She goes to find Clear Sky alone to throw herself at his paws, and he's very quickly attracted to how she promises to perfectly obey him, have no needs of her own, and finally be the perfect servant that he desires
"I don't deserve your trust because I am dirt. I understand you because I also regret something. I'd die for you. I'll never betray you unlike those who have."
This isn't manipulation. She means this. The story is playing their romance sincerely. She's comparing "betraying" Thunder by telling her own father about an assassination ambush to Clear Sky's history of child abuse, physical assault, and murder
She believes she's on the same level as this; a monster who murdered a childhood friend in a fit of entitled rage. She was a victim of One Eye who really believes that the way her father used her means she "understands" this monster, deserves this treatment.
And Clear Sky LIKES that.
He likes that she will have COMPLETE FAITH in him. That she will follow him WITHOUT QUESTION. That she will OBEY his orders. That's fucking verbatim, that's THE TEXT!!!
WHILE HE'S STILL CRYING ABOUT "ive tried to atone every day" FOLLOWING THE LAST TWO BOOKS WHERE THE ONLY SHITTY THING HE DOESN'T DO IS MURDER INNOCENT WOMEN
Am I insane?? Am I wrong??? Am I missing something here???? Why the fuck is the fandom takeaway "haha sexy girl steals his dad." Did I read the same book
#Csa mention#Did they once again do a misogyny so hard they accidentally gave their woman character trauma#My tip to anyone in a draining relationship. If your partner fetishizes that YOU would never leave or betray them unlike ''all the others''#RUN.#There may be a reason their exes cut ties with them and they're praising you for ignoring red flags#Especially when your partner is significantly older and more experienced#Theres nothing noble about constantly suffering for the sake of 'loyalty'#Star Flower PLEASE get out of here you dont fucking deserve this you did nothing wrong#Bones reads dotc#Dotc hate#I thought i was just remembering things wrong when i was adding the subtheme of thunder having a connection to star via abusive dads-#-in my dotc rewrite. But no it's right there. It's in the text and it's something clear is attracted to#I abuse the shit out of my son and he left me once over it#But i can abuse this girl his same age and she won't run. Finally! A victim who won't leave!#And then they become mates and she births at least two litters#Cw abuse#sa mention#EDIT: I've changed the language just slightly#because the timeline COULD work out that starf was an adult when she was promised to slash for a very brief window of time#and hypersexualization is a symptom of trauma resulting from many types of sex abuse. Even that done when the victim was an adult.#it's just more common in CSA
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Unlike divorced!Kirishima (who told you he wanted to try taking a break before making anything official), I think Deku doesn’t mention anything at all before he tries to remove himself from your life.
Goes straight from simply acting busy and being distant to suddenly, fully ignoring you at home and over the phone; I don’t even think he tries to serve you divorce papers before he moves out entirely, so desperate to… what? You don’t know and probably never will.
(That is, until he returns after years of silence with tears in his eyes asking for you to take him back.)
#deku#tries to wedge himself back into your life like nothing happened and refuses to say what he was doing while separated or why he needed to#I’m imagining he wanted to keep you safe not realizing he traumatized you instead#or maybe went undercover if he wouldn’t even explain to kacchan or Shoto#who refuse to write him off entirely but loathe the person who he’s become#but also I think … in more angsty kiri-esque fashion.. maybe he thought not being wrapped around your finger would make him stronger ?#(I think he lasts a lot longer than Kiri. Kiri barely stays away the full summer season before he’s regretting even suggesting divorce)#but I think deku lasts anywhere from 2-5 years#before you find him as a big lump in your bed again and try to scratch his eyes out#it’s rough#and do you have kids?#would I be evil if I say yes ?#what if he leaves u with a little one#a tot… who remembers him……..#although that’s acting like his father which I don’t think he would#but .. maybe I can see it#not sure#divorced deku#shii posts#gen
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"ultrus is right, i am weak and pathetic" / "callie believes the way she loves is fundamentally repulsive" / "all i ever cared about was being useful someday" . things i think about a normal amount
#these arent the exact quotes ... sols is a lil longer and i dont remember the Exact SR callies is from#also guess who wrote a mini essay in the tags AND THEN TUMBLR DELETED IT#anyway. ultimately . . tldr#sol is scared of being alone and believes that hes weak but also that if he Just works Hard enough he can be good and helpful and belong#and so is the inverse true. when people leave you its because you didnt work hard enough and its your fault#and callie whos been up against rejection her whole life and cldnt understand why except that she loved too hard and it drove people away#and in her moments of most intense loss going cold. overwhelmed by shame. why wld she think it wld go right this time. shldve known better#and maybe somethin abt callie being a poet. who always thought about what the world Could be. not what it is (cyra) or what it will (oliana#but ultimately with this overwhelming feeling that shes fundamentally unloveable and has to stop herself from daydreaming#then calder who. brothers ranger and mother ranger general. a family who is known aroind the ice knife as their protectors.#and the runt of the pack calder kilde. who was small and looked down on and overprotected and didnt dream of being a leader but a soldier.#dreamt of being a shield not a sword. use; and usefulness; in the sense of belonging. i am used because i am so valued and loved#anyway..... i just think duck team all have their . harrowing and peculiar relationship to like. self worth and loneliness#how the way they see themselves (weak/unloveable/small) intersect with how they feel isolated and abandoned and excluded#and how they react to that feeling in their own unique way....#these r just my silly little thoughts :3#noodles in my brain. ehehehe. im . i think abt it a normal amount#ramble tag#(and hey since were here hardwon who thinks he hurts the people he loves and isolates himself from his loved one because of tha-)#*i am escorted off the tags*#naddpod
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percy comes home from a saving the world at summer camp and immediately befriends the big smelly kid who has emotional outbursts and imperfect speech. he doesn't know tyson comes from the myth-world, he just sees a lonely kid who could use a friend and immediately sticks out his hand. that's what makes percy a hero. it's not just that he sees through the gods' bullshit, it's not just that he's loyal—it's that his mother raised him to treat people with kindness and empathy, and to stick up for what he believes in
#pjo#percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#pjo tv#tyson#god i cant fucking wait#they did tyson SO FUCKING DIRTY in the 2010s#i remember leaving the theatre FUMING and my mom was like wtf is your problem i thought it was a fun movie#like YOU DONT EVEN KNOW MOM#gen z percy jackson you have my whole heart
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accidentally went full victorian orphan boy mode (low iron/blood sugar crash) at the dr today and it was like the worst possible time for it to happen bc the nurse was asking me all these questions and i was just fighting for my fucking life trying not to put a hand to my fevered brow and topple elegantly to the floor
#i think she just thought i was really stupid#she'd ask me a simple question and i'd parse it for like 8 million years like a contestant on the final round of a game show#at one point she was like 'when did you have your last shot' ma'am i can't even remember leaving the house this morning#we're past brain fog territory it's fucking silent hill up in here#be shh now
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sometimes someone will comment complaining about a certain aspect of one of my stories and i just want to tell them to write their own fic if they’re so bothered by my choices
#i see this more on wattpad than ao3/tumblr#like you don’t like a particular character of mine or a certain love interest or whatever?? you did NOT pay to read this.#click the back button and leave me alone#i think this is especially prevalent on wp because people forget that the author can see the comments??#like on ao3/tumblr you’re commenting to speak to the author whereas on wp you’re reacting to the text and other commenters#idk just an observation#if you’re here from wattpad i don’t hate you or anything but pls remember that i do read all of your comments#even though i don’t reply#some of you are rude as hell icl 😭 or very obviously twelve years of age with all of the reading comprehension that entails#but some of you are also delightful and i love you#m’s thoughts
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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Blood & Gold and Marius's relationship with Akasha is so tragic and infuriating all at once because every time you want to shake him by the shoulders and tell him to ignore her, to let the ones who must be kept rot for a while, there's always the burning lurking outside the narrative.
I keep thinking about this exchange:
Because this is what it comes down to. Of course they can protect themselves, they frequently do, we see them kill multiple people!
But they let themselves be placed in the sun.
And no one (in universe) knows why! Were they somehow helpless at that moment? Was it sheer spite?
Is it worth your and your entire species' lives to risk it?
#i also have thoughts about how akasha dangles pandora like a carrot for marius#you have to leave amadeo remember your duty but if you do this maybe you can see pandora again#and it makes me want to scream
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