#remains looks so fucking ugly tho /silly

[tadc-survival-isles]

I need to keep Survival Isles on this blog but I keep forgetting because they are so silly--

Anyway the recent posts about the Wet Cat Trio™ on my main reminded me I had this stupid idea yesterday that I wanted to draw.

( Cryptid Jax belongs to @sunifixation and Remains Jax belongs to @rorydrawsandwrites )

The thing I'm referencing:

[yutasbimil]

Outlier

vyn x fem!oc | tears of themis ff. (psychology major!lead) ✦ (5/8) [series fic] !!! also posted on my ao3 acc! { here } tags: hurt/comfort, smut cw: nsfw minors dni, p0rn w/ plot, first time, kissing, drunk/intoxicated, angst to soft comfort *cue ugly sobbing*, oral (female receiving), teasing, fingering, overstimulation, dom/sub; top/bottom dynamic, dirty talking (kinda silly tho), kinky; hair pulling/slapping, dumbification, multiple orgasms, passionate af; dammit vyn, rough sex, unprotected sex, aftercare, FLUFF ! ! ! D; + supposedly this is a 'x reader' fic but got too heavy eventually, I apologize truly ;; word count: 4.8k

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8

do not repost © yutasbimil (2023)

cont.

Vyn carries her back into the hotel room. The tension was as heavy as the wooden door shutting close behind them.

She had her face red, tears leaking due to the hotness she was feeling. It managed to be cooled off a bit by the white soft sheets of the hotel bed. Yule reeks of alcohol, much reddened by embarrassment. Never in her life had she got this drunk.

Though she’s  a bit  tipsy– a little more than calculated– as good as she is at math, her attempts once again misfired; miscalculated.

Yule goes on what we may call  pouncing  at him once they get into their room, getting hold of him being clingy as she is, opposite to the restrained Yule that feels allergic to even leaving a touch on his finger. 

Of course, Vyn respects her by remaining at arm's length by holding her shoulders to balance her weight. Even if it was intentional or if she wanted to get intimate with him, he digressed. She's drunk, that's of the utmost importance to keep in mind.

The tiredness seeping into them really weighed them like the feeling you have after a party. And here lies the unresolved tension within the hotel room.

She feels her head-turning, much like a black hole sucking in every fiber of her system.

"Fuck, never doing this again." It's more on a declaration although more assured of never getting wasted up to this point. At most, she wouldn't want to be near anything alcoholic for a long long while. "I'm so sorry, Vyn." 

"You keep apologizing…" His voice is soft, indistinguishable for Yule especially with his utmost concern seeing her like this.

She has her arm atop her forehead but it's anything but helpful as it's still heavy as fuck. Compared to the weight Vyn has on his chest as she has him close, he's really the type of person with the body temp to be on the colder side. 

The cold silence between them pales in comparison to the actuality of their heated thoughts.

"It's not just… me being… so drunk." Yule felt her hot desire to quench her thirst. Her throat felt so desert dry. "I'm…"

Yule rethinks every decision she made, even the very reason why she even pursued Vyn in the first place. She's too much of a burden to be with the likes of him. She's a wreck.

Vyn felt the heaviness of her core with her deep sigh, and the tinge of regret in the quiver of her gaze, which honestly, pulled a heartstring at the moment she looked at him with such pity in her eyes.

How unfortunate of you to be with me.

"Why does it look like you're going to push me away anytime soon?" Vyn states,  but aren’t they already here? Is there even a chance to walk away now? 

Vyn further inspects her blank stares of hesitance. There's a heaviness at the pit of his stomach.

But I also don’t want to leave her alone.

"Am I not doing it already?" She says in a monotone. The grip of her hands by his arm says otherwise as if begging for her dear life to not let go.

Honesty does spill more through actions…

Vyn chortles at that, nodding slightly and looking away. He just lets her hold on to his hand despite the denial she’s been putting up all this time. The man doesn’t let her fully lie down though.

“Okay, you'll be pushing me away then… At least when I let go, sober up first so it wouldn’t hurt as much in the morning, hmmm?” Vyn supports the back of her head, lifting her body so she can sit right up.

She’s just quiet, praying that he still firmly believes this painted demeanor of her drunken state is certainly caused by the alcohol.  Yeah, it's definitely still the alcohol.

Though, her impetus for her blushing is for a different reason.

Yule felt everything moving slower around them. Listening to his words, dragged her more mesmerized, taken by the flow of the softness of his low voice. It is amplified within the closed space they’re encapsulated in.

Yule is unconsciously driven to his lead, listening to what he’s telling her to do.

"Drink water, it is to lessen the headache upcoming." His intent as he takes hold of her carefully, shows his real desire through his movements.

Absent-mindedly, she blurts out her question as she keeps following her eyes at him.

“Why do you like me?”

Vyn can't answer properly, she's a plethora of admirable things, but despite that, his interest and feelings towards her are abstract; unexplainable by concrete words alone… 

"You're fascinating… as a person, you're many things if I can put it into words." He didn't let the dryness of the pre-consumed alcohol hold back his thoughts. "I’m still going along with it, Yule and I’d be willing to restate it once again you’ve sobered up." 

His voice is soft, full of assurance, yet even at this moment, she remains blinded and deafened by her insecurities. She quickly vents her rebuttal, as if putting up a concrete wall between them.

“I’m horrible and too much, I'm always overwhelming to be around, and just…  too much . Would you stay despite all that?” She's shaking, vulnerable as her tone shows how she’s all over the place.

I'm anything but that—  she felt hostile towards what she heard. He knows she needs to be calmed down.

“Yule, what are you saying?  Hmmm?”  He attempts to touch her cheek, but Vyn gets cut off by the swift hand warding him off.

"Earlier, I…" The conclusion in her tone came forth along her tears, it burned his cheeks seeing her like this. In her mind, it hurt her how earlier it came off as a rejection, with Vyn avoiding any means of contact with her. “I actually thought you don’t want to continue…  this … as I thought you don’t want me…” 

Yule is gesturing to her and him; them.

Vyn holds back his hand that's supposed to reach out to her. “I was only hesitant to do it with you as you’re intoxicated, in thoughts of taking advantage of you. I held back… I didn't mean to have ill intention towards my restraint, dear.”

He thoroughly explains to her, but she remains quiet as her current belief is swiftly toppled over his rationale. She lowers her head, unable to construct any argument back.

“Of course, I want to be with you, Yule. I’m still here, am I not? I won't go anywhere…” Especially when she's like this, she can't be left alone. He's talking some sense and logic in her as she starts clinging tightly to his polo shirt. It is getting more and more tear-stained, but it also pools warmth in both their chests.

This hug is proof that he still likes her despite everything.

-

Vyn helps her sober up and calm down, having a crying fit also made Yule feel guilty as she may put him through all this crap.

She apologizes again as they always seem to end up in mishaps.

"I'd be willing to work through it with you, but of course, I'm also human. I only have to do much and of course, I also have my limits and shortcomings." Vyn acknowledges her worries. She knows full well how hard relationships can be.   They're willing. 

And she's difficult to handle, she’s well aware that she has inadequacies. But she does like him, like a whole lot. And she wants to actively work on herself and work through this relationship with him.

She feels sorry for being so closed off.

But he feels an ache in him, he’s also not being fully honest with himself. And not being open with her with his own baggage as well.

"I want to make up with you as soon as possible." Yule starts, getting back to his effort by closing off a different type of distance between them. She leaves a few centimeters gap, letting their breaths linger close. "Will it be fine this way?"

Finally closing the gap, they also didn't leave any space between their fingers as they gripped into both their holds. 

It felt electric to the lips, Yule's eyes had to quiver at the sensation. Vyn pulls away for a moment, moving by her forehead. Vyn starts chaste by her eyes, kissing her tears away as she’s growing emotional again. They kissed again as it felt eons that they hadn’t touched, till they got lost in calculation.

She grabs hold of his collar for support, letting go again for a moment of breath.

Every touch of the man was unfaltering as he planted more touches into her skin. Vyn reaches out for her face to meet their lips for the fifth? Seventh?— Yule already lost count at this point, but her greed is only starting to grow.

A confession slipped off her lips, both looking more obviously swollen already.

"I was really anticipating this, and I've been thinking of when would be the next time we'll actually do   it  ." The pressed syllable on the end implied as clear as daylight to the man. 

His look reciprocated how it didn't leave his mind as well, though it appeared teasing.

"What a naughty girl you are."

"I am very much so…" Yule giggles, but it's anything but bashful. "How can I not be when I have such a handsome man alone in a hotel room? Better yet make use of the opportunity."

Her forwardness really pushed Vyn to the edge, just in time as he's got his gauge of patience filled, it’s growing dire.

"Let's use and make haste for the night." He chuckles, placing a kiss on her warm cheek. Fervently placing a moist kiss by her collarbone the next. "Very soon," he appealed as he lowered the straps of her dress further down. 

As turbulent and quick-paced the past weeks with her had been, he was hooked  badly . Down bad as he’s inexplicably attracted to her aura.

He’s intrigued at the very next pages they would go through. Like reading a book, the uncanniness of how he would spread her open now are like pages cascading down to his expected outcome. 

Although, the onset of the scenarios up to this point of deep entrancement, it is full of unpredictability. It is also as abundant as the card pool probability. It draws him more to his curiosity. Turns out the next outcome just led Vyn into pulling their fates closer and closer to each other.

Yule’s gaze is fully engaged on his pretty, veiny fingers by his silk necktie, straight down her line of sight on the way his hand removes it. Some part of her aches for it to remain tied around his neck, alas, she could only grab hold of him with her own weakening hands. His golden eyes were sharp and entrancing at his sultry movements, anticipation pooled all over her system.

She gradually became enervated as Vyn kissed her by the ear, breathing down her neck the next. He starts seductively licking her bare shoulder, she shudders at his voice. “I’m going to make you   not   forget about me after tonight, m’lady.”

 "Ahh-hmmm…   I’m afraid that’s an impossible task with you, love.   "  Yule didn’t have a chance to catch her breath as she was cut short, Vyn was quick to grab hold of her chest with his free hand. While the other pulls down her dress to let her breasts free, she sucks in a breath the same way as the man sucks at her erect nipples. 

They got sensitive to the cold however their bodies are anything but frigid. Vyn strips off her clothes, one by one meeting the carpeted floor.

“Ahhh… that’s so good, please.   Ah-  ” Yule mewls, restraining herself from grabbing hold of his scalp. Their senses are also heightened, due to having to just recover from alcohol earlier. But she's more attentive now as she is enticed by his mellow motions. Vyn didn’t leave any room for disappointment as he attended to both breasts, leaving no gaps for Yule in her moans of pleasure.

It left her core pooled in anticipation all the more as she waited for this for who knows how long. Her impatience is growing more explicit with her ardent whimpers. “Vyn,   fuck–   you’re making this harder for me,   I want you.” 

“Patience, my dear. Good things take their sweet time…” Vyn divulged, pausing to even tease a painfully slow lick by both her nipples, then by the bare skin of her breasts. He gives it a suck as he uses the other hand to twist and hover over her erect knobs. He keeps his golden eyes direct with hers this whole time. “And I want to pleasure you to my utmost care, pleasured to the edge… sloppily wet and ready… before the most anticipated segment.”

“Vyn… how cruel. This hurts more…” Yule gulps a breath, moaning as he now touches the very much heated, moist core in between her legs. Every touch of his felt mouth-watering, as if his presence was a bell ringing, alarming her salivary glands. She knows Vyn means well to treat her right, but  goddamn  she didn’t expect this to feel more of a torture to crave for his dick.

“It’s… Vilhelm. Call me Vilhelm." He paused, feeling Yule tense up as he pulled away momentarily. "It ought to be rude not to address your lover properly, hmmm?”

“Is that why you chose Vyn to be short?” She can’t pinpoint where she got turned on, is it the sudden admission of his name, indicating his intimacy or him indicating that they’re true lovers.

He nods as if a weight got off him with those syllables, they ought to venture more about that later to be sat down. But first things first.

She feels him loosen up as they take the next steps. She takes this as a sign to also loosen the wrapped belt around his waist.

Yule also removes his polo shirt to not be the only one exposed to the other.

She almost gasps at the scene seeing his toned chest, but his eyes are more stripped naked in his state, vulnerable with his glassy eyes staring back at her.

“I want to make you feel good too.”

Yule pulls him close, wrapping her hands around his neck to place kisses by his cheeks, a lingering peck to the ear, up the forehead, and letting her lips run wild all over his skin. Anywhere that is possible and bare to her sight.

“Later, Yule. You first,” he insists as if heeding him down to lay on her back. 

In his dominant stare, she had no choice but to be vulnerable. She’s now got her legs spread wide open, ready like eagle wings to soar– and in this case, to be eaten by him as he takes her up the skies. 

“Does this feel good?” Vyn says in between him licking the exterior of her nerves and then inserting a finger into her wet core. He still wants a clear ‘yes’ despite the restrained mewls she elicits. “No need to hold back, love.”

“Yes,  yes… ah—   ” She’s just keeping control to keep sane from the overstimulation. But he never misses a beat in his rhythm. “   Fuck–   this is making me crazy, ah, ooh… please.” 

Followed again by strings of vowels as he moved more pleasantly crudely with his tongue and fingers. As much as he’s whispering sweet nothings to her, he’s fucking foul with what his mouth and body could do to her.

She bucked her hips, almost curving to the sensation as he also touched the other part of her nether regions. “Wait,   uhhh,   shit, love– what are you doing?”

“Is this not to your taste?” he asks, now just hovering a bit by her butthole. Honestly, she’s taken aback and reinstates her thoughts. “I’m quite indifferent here… uhmmm, I never thought of going there, Vyn.”

“I could take it slow and I’ll go along with the feeling if you’re still alright?” 

She nods, and he maneuvers into it slowly, observing her in her response. It takes her a while to get the feel of it, but it’s getting too much at the same time, She almost yelps as he moves back and forth to a sensitive portion.

She never experienced touching both holes.

Her pleasure and voice is pivoting further out the room, she’s too damn close.

It's far beyond compared to when she masturbates, let alone when she touches herself. She can't believe she'd be feeling this good and tended by a man.

As much as he's enough to give her needs, she’s pushed to the edge of insanity due to the pleasure. But it leaves her more unsatiated and hungry for Vyn.

She felt her throat dry, and her thirst and salivating senses left her exhausted. Yule wants his lips on hers, tongue gauging and fighting with hers. She wants to be nasty with him. But he's too busy swimming into her pool of pleasure, fingers simultaneously macerated already.

Vyn's mouth is moist due to her wetness.

Yet, Yule is left in too much overload with pleasure due to his fingers and tongue on work, She ought to be filled quicker to her limit.

The squelching sounds of his thirst felt scorching in comparison to her hot core, she's bulking her hips at every resistance she's fighting to come over her peak.

“Vilhelm, too much… let me,   please , rest…   hmphh ,   ah-   love.” Yule is too loud at this point, she's glad the walls are thick and private in their own cavern. She caves in feeling something white, awaiting to erupt all over her pit of stomach, down her legs shaking at the sensation. Then another sensation bulldozed into her as Vyn kept going in ramming and twisting curling his finger in her G-spot.

She feels something big coming.

 Is that even possible?!   Even surprised ‘O’ shaped her mouth due to moaning out loud. "Vyn…   hnghhh—   fuck!”

It was too late to let Vyn know as she already climaxed. He lets her senses reverberate in his presence, still letting her ride into her orgasm by lapping his tongue into her whilst pumping his fingers in her.

Yule wasn't able to control herself on how good Vyn was doing. She didn't know she had to  beg  him to stop making her feel so good.

Both of them are left in heaving breaths, although Yule's is more labored compared to his.

“Exhausted already? We're just getting started.” Vyn has a mischievous tone in him, making Yule exert extra energy to roll her eyes at him. This seems a different side of him. She had to smirk. “Sorry, I can’t keep up with you, Doctor.”

The shift in the nickname had him chuckle. “So you’re willing to tend to you then, Miss Saints?”

They had to take a quick laugh at the sudden ‘roleplay’ vibe they accidentally established. 

She spreads her arms for a fleeting hug. “Give me some oxytocin then, Dr. Richter.”

Vyn took this as a chance to hover over her, locking her in between his arms to guide her into another position, His eyes are now filled with more energy, she pales in comparison to her ragged breaths.

She gulps for fear or anticipation, she can’t seem to decide.

Guess she’s putting her hips to work again, her wetness also keeps on flowing at cue. Yule had to blush at her shamelessness.

“Looks like you’re already set, Yule?” Vyn takes a swift swap at her swollen wet core. She shivers and elicits a soft mewl at that.

“Same goes to you, Vilhelm,” she breathes out an amused laugh, pointing to his erect bulge, touching through the fabric. She removes his brief so it’s out of the way.

Vyn lays her back down, and they’re back to their position with him hovering over her, in close proximity. Seeing what was about to unfold soon, she had to gulp.

“W-wait,” Yule blocks her wet core, seeing her suddenly erratic, Vyn holds her hand. 

“Are you scared? We can stop her–”

“I mean  yes , but I don’t want to stop…” Her anxiety shows through her cold sweat, but she breathes out. “I’m just afraid as it’s my first time.”

“I’ll make the best out of your experience, but you can tell me to stop anytime, okay?”

It is valid, and Vyn looks directly at her, full of softness and patience. Yule feels her senses relax again, his body and presence feeling more light and present.

“As scary as it is, this is a risk I’m willing to make. We’re already here, aren’t we?” She doesn’t want to waste anything any further. The same shows how she is at ease with her muscles relaxed.

Vyn nods, placing a quick kiss by the side of her face till he distances himself for a moment. He angles his erection into her, the hotness of his dick was too much just by the surface. The insertion was as impactful as his fixated eyes into hers.

Then the relief as he puts it in is  phenomenal .

“Vyn, please, slowly. But, ahhh… so good already.” She grabs onto his toned arms, he breathes in as he flips his bangs off his face momentarily then smiles over her. “Is this how you imagined it to go?”

“It’s   beyond   what I expected.”

He had to spread a smile on that. “We’re just starting… So let's go over that expectation of yours, alright?”

He starts slow as Yule feels every centimeter of his begins indulging in her. “  Ahhh,   yes, yes. More… please.” 

Vyn easily puts it in but she’s in it for another adjustment, adjusting to his length and width, she’s spread open and vulnerable in many ways.

This is really far different from anything she had experienced in bed, let alone her first time as she’s lacking all possible experience per se.

"Kiss... me, please." moans of plea gush out of her as Vyn leans in to share his warmth and moist lips with hers. It is tender although opposite to the roughness they're about to delve into.

She didn’t even know that she had such erogenous zones that were  that sensitive  by the ear. Yule had to flinch at a mere licking done in her ear, yelping as he bit onto it– she was in it for another overstimulation as he even played with her breasts and nipples. He really keeps himself busy, hands all over her.

She doesn’t want him to pull off.

Vyn maintains the slow and passionate movements, and she could feel every twitch and bulge he does the lovemaking with his hips to his dick in and out of her.

He goes on ahead in holding her by the arms, then shoulders to angle her better. 

“Is this better?” He pounds into her a bit rougher than usual, and she had to bulk her hips at that.

“Rougher, i-is that fine?” 

To be honest, she wanted to be manhandled, but Vyn had something else in mind on their first ever night together.

“I’ll try…” Vyn listens, his lips and touch still full of passion with every kiss.

She doesn’t comprehend how in the world he keeps it gentle yet vehement. Even as he pulls by her arms to ram into her, pounding her further into reverie.

It pushes her more into pleasure as they switch into another position, her down on all fours, all for him to adore. And it gave him more chance to hold both her arms as he pummeled more into her.

To add a cherry on top for her pleasure, she requests him to pull her hair. The sudden demand had him raise a brow, more on in astonishment. “You seem to like that?”

“Very…”

“You’re very kinky, love.” 

“Yes, sorry…”

“I like you in every way, don’t apologize for that,” Vyn assures her, patting her head gently and then shifting to pull her hair by the scalp a bit roughly. Yule felt her walls wrap around his dick tighter at that. It tightens again at every pull of her hair with his manly hands . 

 This is more like it.   Yule had to shamelessly beam at the roughness, in contrast to the roughness, she feels loved at his treatment and him asking consent in every action. This remains in her fantasies for too long, but she didn’t expect to like it in actuality. She’s much more pleased with this outcome.

The sudden slap by her ass took her aback as well, but with the burning sensation left in her skin, it felt more pleasant than it hurts. She had to gulp on that as she felt her walls tighten around him.

It seems more obvious as Vyn lets out a low groan as he does it once again. Yule lets out an aroused squeal as she goes on to look at him, lips bitten to show her amusement. "Vil... Vilhelm,  Vilhelm , that's so good,  uhh- I like that. Yeah,  oohh... " she giggled, licking her lips as she was stuck in a daze of bliss. She was growing more amused as she kept calling out his name, moaning as sounds of sex echoed around the room. It's growing more evident how it has an effect on the man as he leans in to pepper her bare skin with kisses, leaving marks of his touches on her skin.

Vyn leans in to kiss the nape of her neck, grunting once again before speaking by her ear.

“You’re not the type to want to call your lover, ‘daddy’, hmmm?” Vyn adds the hair pulling didn’t help as it immediately puts Yule off her mood momentarily.

Yule rebuts, quickly turning her head at him to glare at him. “Hell no, I don’t want to summon Freud out of his grave.”

Vyn laughs at that. “He’s got enough resurrectors already, let’s not add to that.”

He brings back the mood, her getting immersed in the intensity of his stares as he brings her back in lying down. Everything seems perfect and comfortable all through the night as they share both of their warmth. Body to body, but the intimacy in their stares. All through the night, keeping the rhythm interesting from erratic pounding, to consistent slow. Reaching the peak together seems so undemanding with how they go hand and hand and how well-balanced they are to each other. 

So this is what it feels like to be loved? 

To be handled with such care… It feels so good.

Looking at him across the bed, Vyn seems to notice her need for body heat and he’s quick to pull her close. Even with them reaching almost morning love-making, it doesn’t seem bland to go on. 

Though, they had to rest… And what better way to end the night to be able to be intimate with him?

“You’re lucky… This is unpaid, unsolicited therapy you’re getting out of me.” Vyn jokes, Yule had to pinch him by the arm and then muzzle over her chest.

“This leans more on unethical than it is free,   Will…   you know, doing   this   type of thing with a therapist.” The new nickname for him seems a bit odd, but they’ll get used to it. 

Vyn shushes her, jokingly putting a finger on her lips. “No need to go on the explicit details, it is confidential and I assure you it’s all safe with me.”

“Okay, okay, but do expect me to have ‘another therapy’ with you, Will…” She says riding along the joke. The nickname rolls off her tongue more naturally now. Vyn pulls her deeper into the hug.

“You know I can offer another type of therapy.”

 “Hmmm?” 

“Physical therapy,” Vyn responds.

The gap in the silence and stare made them laugh, Yule had to brush her face against him to hide her blush. Her chest felt elated with his presence.

“You humor me,” she says, not able to contain a giggle.

This is far different from how things will go, and Vyn actually shares the same thoughts. Though he's willing to handle this as unexpected things have turned out.

As shitty as the night had been for a few hours, he made it better.  I might as well open up to him soon about my situation and give him a clear picture. He needs to know as well.

He’s the outlier she’s willing to accept, but unexpected things really can bring the biggest change in your life. And he seems to be a good chance for her to turn out for the better.

Looking up at the ceiling, the night isn’t as uneventful as the plain white canvas on the ceiling. Their conversation is animated by their voices as they spend the night away talking.

No longer putting her heart up her sleeve, his golden eyes are as welcoming as he stares at her. She sees a bright future with him as glowing as his eyes can be. Who knew there was a smile as that radiating directed at her?

※ my masterlist | #enjeiwrites ※

[renewingagain]

sunday 28 july 2024 // 12:47am

i'll keep this brief-ish cus its late and i have a really busy day tomorrow

i might just be sad cus i got drunk earlier and now the alcohol is wearing off but the supressant isnt but

i still really miss ben even tho its been like almost 2 months now. im upset that he unfollowed me on insta bc i was really hoping we would speak again at some point but in my mind it just seems that him unfollowing me makes me think he never wants to talk to me ever again

i left it for a while but i finally unfollowed him back this eve cus every time he came up on my insta my heart just sinks a bit cus i still really miss him

i just wish this wasnt the reality and i feel like ive made a mistake in letting him go but it feels too far gone now

i know in my mind that i will love again and meet other people i connect with - i think its just that this coupled with all the other things happening, LIKE LEAVING SHEFFIELD IN 3 WEEKS with no job etc is so crazy and scary. i feel incredibly overwhelmed right now and i dont want to feel this way really i just want to enjoy my last few weeks here

it all feels quite surreal but i guess it is really happening like i am actually finailly leaving sheffield for good (ish), at least for a long long time

i do need to remember, im cute, im sexy, i am worthy to be loved and again i will find someone i eventually connect with. i just have to brave it next time i think and just accept whatever happens. because i am worthy to be loved by someone. the same way any straight person can love unashamedly, i wish i could too.

ben was so sweet and lovely and so fucking cute man, i really miss him. i can only assume he unfollowed me because maybe he didnt want to be reminded of me on his feed because it was painful for him

i wish i could just see him and talk to him again. i could text him but im just worried he wont reply. but then its like what would i even say anyway idk

anyway ive unfollowed him now and thats that, i guess thats closed off for now

when i broke up with alex a looong time ago, i honestly thought i would never find someone i connected with the way i did with him. but i did! i met lewie, i met michael (ish, thats some trauma lol)- i met ben. i will meet someone else

im also just feeling ughh a bit insecure lately like i just dont think im that cute 😭 like ok i KNOW im not like ugly lol, but im not conventually attractive (i dont think so anyway), im not the guy that gets noticed

however it would be silly for me to say that because am i a mind reader? no, for all i know there could be other guys finding me incredibly attractive and i am just unaware of it

ahhh who knows

i am looking forward ish to being home and just having a break from everything, i think i really need it

i really need to remain grateful for everything i DO have

friends, family, good health, macbook, equipment, money

i must strive to be content with my quality of life. i must love myself first and foremost. i need to be kind to myself. i can be extremely kind to other people, allow me to love myself too..

[boys-from-santacarla]

so i've never seen any fic or really anything for dwayne + paul so like maybe that idk--

Notes: Thank you so much for your request. 💛 And sorry if I made you wait too long. I have never read anything like this either, but I hope you like it. It was fun writing it tbh, so feel free to write a positive or negative feedback.

Warnings: Homophobia, homophobic language, cursing, a bit of explicitness in an attempt to lead to sex.

The Moralist (Dwayne x Paul)

Word Count: 1563.

The fourth night at stakeout waiting at the boardwalk was going just as usual; with David waiting at the corner for Star and Laddie to hopefully come back with a third individual, and Paul and Marko playing a stupid game to win a stuffed animal, with Dwayne as a keen spectator next to them.

When the game was over, both players started fighting.

"You cheating bitch! Everyone saw I was winning until you step on my foot!" Paul yelled.

"Maybe I did, but you started it by pushing me every five seconds!" Marko snapped back. Paul half-closed his eyes in anger and began to yell again when Dwayne got between the two.

"Ok, we get it. You both assholes are losers that need to cheat to win something." He laughed and the blondes protested with a loud "hey". He rolled his eyes and said "Move on."

Paul pointed a finger towards Marko and warned "You gon' pay, buddy." Marko gave him the finger and started walking backwards to play some more while showing off his brand new item.

"Hey, man, c'mon. Let's get a drink or something." Dwayne suggested still laughing.

After getting a tasteless six for the evening, both moved to a calmer side at the end of the boardwalk to sit down at some stairs. After all, when Michael appeared they'd hear David's bike.

"Dave's really into this guy." Dwayne said after taking the first sip of his beer.

Paul giggled "Who would've known his weakness were young and closeted curly brunettes."

Dwayne hummed his agreement. "I mean, he's kinda cute." He said and giggled, earning a funny look from his company.

"Don't tell me you have the hots for him too" Paul pleaded incredulous.

Dwayne shook his head "Nah, it's just..." He stopped for a moment to think about it. Michael was dumb, that was for sure, but he had this exciting... aura around him. And he was good looking too.

"I don't know" He finally stated and shrugged. "He's cute. That's all."

"Oh, Lord..." Paul shook his head in disappointment "We got us another fairy vamp."

Dwayne punched his shoulder. "You're such a homophobe. As if you and Marko didn't looked like fags." He teased and took another sip.

"Hey, man! He's the one who seems to like to get annoying just for me to be all over him!" Paul defended himself and was about to get another sip too when he processed Dwayne's whole saying "And I'm no homophobe!" He declared offended.

Dwayne gave him a skeptical look "You know..." he shrugged "they say all homophobes are closeted gays, so..." He unfinished the sentence suggestively.

Paul rolled his eyes and continued advocating his reputation. "I'm as liberal as the next guy. I could even kiss a guy and don't give any fucks." Dwayne almost spitted his drink with that last one.

"Yeah, sure." He murmured.

"I'm serious!"

Dwayne raised his head unconvinced "I don't think so. Your ego's far too sensible for that."

"It is not." Paul snorted.

That made Dwayne wonder, ok, so macho drama queen was liberal and respectful? Why not test the veracity of this?

"Fine. Then kiss me."

Paul turned to look at him disbelieving "I'm a lot of man for you, sweetheart." He said with smugness, but there was a slight quiver in his voice to denote his awkwardness.

Dwayne laughed "I knew it."

"Just because I won't kiss you doesn't mean I'm a damn homophobe. It's just that you're not my type."

"Because I'm a man." Dwayne persisted.

"No, because you're disgusting and ugly." Paul corrected.

But maybe it wasn't a bad idea.

Maybe it would be good to prove Dwayne, the big moralistic guru, that no sloppy kiss could hurt his masculinity. Cause that was the truth, wasn't it?

Paul sighed "You know what? Fine." He decided.

Dwayne shoot up his eyebrows.

Paul smirked "Come here and have a taste." He sensually invited and loudly smacked his lips.

Dwayne remained still for a moment, shocked that Paul was actually up for it. The hotshot couldn't let anyone patronize him, uh.

"Ok." He simply accepted and moved to accommodate his legs with Paul to get closer with each other.

Making eye contact, Dwayne, still a little unsure, put his big hand on Paul's waist while Paul placed with a bit of extra force his palm on Dwayne's cheek.

Then they brought their faces together and left nothing between their lips but an inch apart. So close that each could notice the other's dusty but fresh masculine scent.

"I still don't think you can handle this, bud" Paul whispered, lightly brushing his lips with Dwayne's with the movement.

Dwayne smirked with arrogance "Quitting?"

The blonde gave his negative with a low sound and moved his head to a side to fit his marginally parted lips with Dwayne's.

Both were taking this as a dare to press the other past his limits and make him step back, to leave clear who was the homophobe here. So why think of this wrong? It was just a kiss to prove who had the best manners. No more.

They stayed still for a moment, like a pair of kids having their first kiss. Not moving, just innocently touching lips. But none would step back and give up.

So, if a simple smash of lips was something both could stand, then they would have to take it farther. And it felt surprisingly easy.

Both moved their lips to taste better the other's flavor, and Paul moved his palm from Dwayne's cheek to his nape, slowly, caressing his soft skin, and feeling the light brush of his strands between his fingers. All this while Dwayne moved his hand from his friend's waist to his lower back, intently pressing them closer together and feeling Paul muscles flexing.

The kiss got sensual when feeling silly both opened their mouths and crashed together their tongues. The stubble definitely felt weird, both thought, and even though the hair could help imagine it was a girl, they could not forget it was a pal whom their were kissing.

But that didn't stopped them. Telling themselves it was because it was their job to make the other uncomfortable, they didn't broke the kiss. Just continued to move in a hot syntony sharing saliva.

So the sudden jolt Dwayne felt was justifiable, just as Paul's low moan was too.

It got rapidly heated. Both moving with more confidence, as if already knowing how to move in harmony with the contrary. Their lips began making smacking noises when one decided to venture and nibble a little.

Panting, their hands wandered more and traveled exposed spots of skin and leather.

Paul placed his free hand on his friend's thigh, caressing it while still moving his exploring tongue inside Dwayne's mouth. The hand on his back sent a cold chill on his spine and he felt his cock twitch. Dwayne's response was to moan a little and keep one hand on the wooden stairs to press Paul harder against him.

Lost in the track of time, the dare got out of control and they were both half-hard.

And both felt good.

Fuck, both felt good.

Paul's conscious abruptly came into play and he jumped as if burned, breaking the kiss in cold. Dwayne stayed in position until he reopened and focused his dark eyes on the blonde's. His puzzled expression was enough for him to react too.

In unison their heads turned to the side, trying to hide their dark red faces.

Dwayne cleared his throat "Uhm... that was... That was..."

Paul hesitantly wiped his mouth with the back of his wobbly hand, then glanced at Dwayne still looking anywhere else but at him and repeated his previous action, now with deliberated disgust.

"Repugnant. Nauseating. Ugh, I wanna puke." He stuck out his tongue.

Dwayne agreed "You're such a lousy kisser, man." He copied Paul's action and pretended to clean his lips.

There was an uncomfortable silence while they tried to recover and regain their prides. Dwayne was about to say something when unexpectedly Marko appeared from behind calling them. They turned their heads.

"Hey, guys! Michael's here. Let's go." He seemed oblivious, so he walked back to where he came from and didn't gave them a chance to respond.

Turning back at each other, they wanted to utter something, but just made eye contact, saying... what? "Don't worry, it was good, but I'm not telling, not even myself cause that makes me gay. Thanks for making my dick twitch, tho"?

Dwayne jumped to his feet.

"Well, now it's a fact that you're a homophobe." He teased, in an attempt to dissolve his odd feeling, but it didn't work. "So, I'll, uh, I'll get going, bro." He adjusted his jeans, climbed the stairs and resumed his natural cocky strut as casually as he could.

"Yeah." Was all Paul could say, almost inaudible. But that didn't matter.

He adjusted his pants too and got up.

Yeah, he liked kissing Dwayne, so what? It got a little out of hand and provoked a natural sexual response, right? He wasn't attracted or anything, right? He knew the guy was hot, but everyone with eyes could acknowledge that. It was no big deal. Cause he wasn't a fag.

Paul wasn't a fag.

He wasn't.

Damn.

[witchofmorena]

Right... so I got the idea from this post, and this is set after the quest in witcher 3 where roach can talk (I watched it, played it too long ago and don’t remember) and it’s all Roach’s POV (also it wont be same Roach in each piece). Hope y’all enjoy this <3

I was grazing in a meadow when I was attacked by some ugly monster. Naturally I started making noise and trying to leave, but couldn’t - my dumb human-not-human left me tethered to a tree. “Go away ugly! NO! DoN’t tOucH mY bEaUtiFul ManE! Bad monster! Kill it, human-not-human! Yes, that is right... go left...go left not RIGHT...uhg when will you do what I advice you?” My dummy of companion decided to get hurt, but luckily he let me walk freely, so I brought the bag with weird water that’s not really water and pushed it into his arms. I got hug, yey! I LOVE hugs! My  human-not-human’s human came and cleaned blood and wound, and than gave me an apple. Mhm nice crunchy apple, I like human. He sings to me, braids my hair... Well he probably thinks I’m a goddess of horses...

My human-not-human is sad. I thought it is cause his human and my worshiper isn’t around... we are supposed to meet him in the next place with many humans (town? city? village? farm? I hope it’s a farm with other horses - I could brag tell them about my worshiper - I should start calling him my human...). Still I hope I get a good brushing, a lady like me shouldn’t look like this - muddy, my beautiful mane tangl....”Watch out!” ugh something ugly’s attacking us again. Something was coming from behind, it gives me a bad feeling so I kick it - I must’ve gotten ‘em good, they are in dirt and in pain. I see my human - oh NO, some idiots are holding him. Ugh “you know what? I’ll just trample all over you, especially if you hurt my human!” They start running away, HA I knew I’m scary. I go up to my human and greet him. “Do you have apples? Or or or maybe....carrots? I wanna carrot” I kept asking for carrot and he gave me one. Good human giving me such nice carrots. I look around for my human-not-human and see him right behind me. I push human to my human-not-human so he can catch him...”Go on, you have him in your arms now do that thing with your mouth that you enjoy!” “Human, no don’t....ugh I know you love him so hug him at least” dumb humans don’t even mate in any way after a mating dance -.-” at least I’ll get bathed later...

“Roach...How do I tell Geralt I love him?“ the Boss’ human asks me... “How do i tell him that his hair looks so beautiful in moonlight? That it looks like liquid silver mixed with prettiest diamonds? How do I tell him that his eyes remind me of the pretty yellow opal?“ human rambles about Boss while braiding my mane with some pretty coloured flowers. “Why don’t you tell him all that?“ I had to ask even tho I know the human doesn’t understand me, neither does Boss for that matter. “The last time I tried to flirt with him...do you know what i said? I said *you don’t want to keep man with bread in his pants waiting* Who in their right mind says that?“ I’ve to admit that is pretty funny, enough to make me snicker, such a silly human. However this got me wondering...are all humans and human-like beings this dumb and unable to see someone wants to be their mate? Or do they do the mating dance longer? If so - how do they have foals at all? I mean they are dancing for at least 18 summers now (Boss said that), which is longer then I’ve been with boss...

Oh look Boss is back from hunt. I didn’t go with him this time, apparently he was hunting a griffin. I don’t like those - one tried to eat me but Boss saved me. That was the day Boss...adopted me? That’s what his human calls it, I don’t know what he’s talking about - it’s obvious that Boss belongs to me. Anyways, Boss’ human is waiting for us in village, so I have to make Boss wash before going back - his smell makes my nose itch. I saw a pond nearby so I drag Boss to it and push him in. He looks so angry...”I’m not moving until you wash, Boss”... Boss makes that noise often when I don’t want to move...”You wont let me go back smelling like this?” I shake my head - there is no way I’m letting him embarrass himself even more in front of his mate,”Fine, I’ll bath” see is already learning to understand what I want. “So, Boss....Does this mean you’ll finally... court?.... your human?” he remains silent as he’s....bathing...and here I thought we’re making progress in communication.  Finally we are in village, and Boss’ human is coming closer... Now I should help Boss tell human how he feels. “C’mon, Boss, tell him” I encourage Boss while nudging him closer to his human,”He wont say no, go on...He loves you��� “Good hunt and not very dirty I see“ human tries...It’s a pathetic attempt tho... “Roach didn’t move until I bathed...“ ugh NO that is not.....*heavy sigh* idiot Boss...  “Good girl, Roach!“human praises me...what use are praises if there is no treats?”I think..ugh where did I put it?....AHA found it“ he offers me some sugar yay - good human “There you go girl, you deserve them.“ he turned back to Boss,”There is a bath in the room, prepared it for you...It’s still warm...Go, I’ll take care of Roach“ I’m not sure if I should be happy or not...they should bath together - Boss likes that...maybe if I behave human will go to Boss and let human who is with other horses brush me...”Thanks,Jaskier...“ Boss frowns...”Where is Pegasus?” I knew someone was missing “Some bandits stole her... Oh I hope they treat her right, Geralt, she was such sweet horse...” I give him a hug...he sounds so sad... Later that day, in village Of course human didn’t what I was hoping for, staying with me, brushing me and braiding my hair...*heavy sigh* that’s it I give up, you two figure this shit out...

Boss never lets me drink weird water...I wanna see what it tastes like....*rummages through Geralt’s bag*hmmm...Aha..This one makes Boss do strange stuff...at least it’s more ‘toxic’ variation that ’witchers use’....Now how do I open this? ”Hey, Squirrel” bet he’ll help me “What, horse?” “Could you help me? I need to open this and Boss isn’t around to help” squirrel’s confused “Sure?.....Here you go!” “Thanks, friend! I saw some nuts that way” I point squirrel towards nuts i mentioned - he IS looking for them after all...now to drink this...Whoa...this is strange....world has so many colours now...I gotta find Boss...Oh he’s already here....”Roach...Why did you drink modified White Gull? And how in Melitele’s name did you open the vial?” oh shit...fuck...how do I explain this....”Well you see Boss....I...was...curious....” his eyes are really wide and round...they were never like that before...Interesting...”Roach....you can talk?” ahhh that’s.....new...he can actually understand me....”Okay, first things first. Boss, you gotta tell your mate how yo..” “My WHAT? What are you talking about Roach?” great, he finally can understand me and he interrupts me immediately uhg stupid human-that’s-not-human “The who travels with us? Makes my mane pretty with those yellow tasty flowers? That human?” “Hmmm...You must be speaking of Jaskier, he’s the only one who does all of those” so he does know who is his mate “yeah him, anyways I don’t know how long I’ll talk so listen carefully...” Boss leans closer, good he’s listening “next time you see him, do the thing with mouth, and tell him you love him - he loves you DON”T INTERRUPT ME and I know cause he talks to me, much like you...so tell him and mate with him already” there was also something else...hmmm...oh yes i remember “and bath you stink....also don’t flirt with him - you both make me cry when you do that” “Roach, I don-” “Don’t interrupt me! By hte way monster’s coming, and dear me it’s so ugly and smelly” I watch as Boss fights and kills it...apparently it was some easy monster....but Boss is once again covered in monster guts ”Bath. Now.” “Fine...you’re worse then Jask...” “Who is worse then me? Oh I missed your fight, how dreadful” we turned to see Boss mate “Sup, Boss’ mate?” Boss glare is scary, but I’ve seen worse...like that griffin’s beak... oh no I missed part of conversation *pouts* “What is going on?” “Roach...we can’t understand you anymore....but you were right...thanks” I was right? Of course I was *huffs* I’m always right “Lets go, Roach! I saw some nice juicy grass for you nearby, girl! Don’t tell Geralt, but...I got you some apples and...here’s a sugar cube...as a thanks” I munch on the cube...this is one of reasons why I like Boss’ mate ”Without you...I wouldn’t know what to do...I love Geralt...have for years...” he hugs me...how nice...he lets go and I do my victory dance...why? well...Roach:1, Boss and mate:0

I might add some more later, but no promises... And I’m tagging @she-who-ate-pizza-with-cap since she mentioned she’d like to see this (hope you like it lovely, did my best here) <3

[pancak3u]

I spent the weekend beating spyro 1 and 2 and I just wanna make a few points

- The levels look incredibly beautiful. Even though it’s clear they got rid of many wallpapers, textures and cool patterns from the castles and scenery in the original, everything flows nicely, I think it would be too much if they tried to keep it super accurate. The characters look cartoony, so it makes sense the scenery looks cartoony and simple as well.

- Also props for adding new minor details like the dragon you rescue on Toasty’s level is a painter. As soon as you enter the castle, you can see his paintings on the walls!!

- The dragons in spyro 1 look absolutely stunning, I’m really happy most of them actually say something instead of ‘thank you for releasing me’ and how they match their homeworld. Artisans World has painters, writers, cooks and sculptors. Peace Keepers has warriors with armor, weapons and battle scars. Magic Crafters has magicians. Beast Makers has dragons wearing straw hats and accessories and weapons made out of swamp creatures. Dream Weavers has a dreamy sleepy theme and the dragons wear fluffy slippers and nightgowns, hold plushies, drink tea and knit. 

(screenshots from @mossflayer​)

- Tree Tops is still fucking me up

- Doctor Shemp’s butt. Good stuff.

- Sparx now is much more effective at pointing the remaining gems thank god

- If you like collecting skill points, the game now tells you what you have to do to get them (I’m never gonna get them anyway sooooo lol)

- MOST NPCS IN SPYRO 2 LOOK FUCKING DISGUSTING seriously tho i can count on my fingers the ones i didn’t find completely disturbing. The ones from Colossus and Idol Springs look like shrek, the wizards from Cloud Temples look like plastic bootleg emojis with hair, Greta looks like Felicia from tiny toon. Most of these characters were loved because they looked silly and charming. Even the enemies were charming. Now they’re just ugly and the enemies have gross crusty multiple chins lol 

- George the snow leopard doesn’t plop his butt when he sits anymore and I’m triggered

- I’m sad Juliet the bird doesn’t sound like a man anymore, maybe it was censored because it was implied Romeo and Juliet were not a straight couple?? They even made sure to give her eyelashes to make her look feminine wtf

- Also Bombo’s name was censored. But he’s still a weird creature wearing a turban, riding a flying carpet and throwing bombs. At least he doesn’t look human so props for them to try to make it less offensive. Now I’m terrified of him though

- They all have teeth. So many teeth. I’m trying to get used to it BUT ITS SCARY. 

- Hunter’s minigames (specially the popcorn one and the stupid alchemist) feel much much easier now. I don’t know if it was made easier on purpose orrr technology just isn’t as crappy as it was before. The turtle soup one also felt easier. 

- Speedway/Flight levels still make me want to die, thanks game

- SPYRO CHANGES COLORS WHEN YOU GET A POWER UP!! I though it was hella cool that his scales glow in different colors for different power ups. I honestly would love if there was an option to make him permanently glowy once you get the superflame after beating the game 100%

- Fighting Gulp made me want to cry. I don’t remember if the camera was this messed up in the original but now it just goes everywhere and you can’t tell where he’s going to hit. I also fell of the arena and toasted Spyro many times because I couldn’t tell if I was near the edge.

- ELORA LOOKS BEAUTIFUL AND I WANNA CRY 

I will add more things if I remember lol 

[wadey-wilson]

Essay essay pls! I actually enjoyed the TASM films but I watched them when I was like, 10, so my actual perception of them is super skewed

re: 

I usually never talk much about things I hate because I don’t wanna care about things I hate. it’s a waste of time and nerves. but given that you asked nicely, and that I have a lot to say, and that I should sleep but we all know it never plays out, let’s go.

right off the bat, I want to say that I believe you can change some things about characters or stories if adapting them for the silver screen either requires it, or the director has a really good idea as to how the character should be done. that being said, I also believe there’s a line you can’t cross. you either change the character to be more appealing and to have them resonate with the audiences more (see: Thor in Thor: Ragnarok, Guardians of The Galaxy), or to have it fit the story better (see: Mandarin in Iron Man 3). I have no problem when a director goes ‘I have an idea for this character’ and he actually has, let him do it. however, when you change too much about a story (see: Civil War) or a character, they become unrecognizable and completely off. you ever read Superior Spider-Man? they become that. a shell of someone we know but with completely different behaviour, manners, mind, and character for that matter. you can’t change a character to this point, because it ruins them. say Iron Man doesn’t drink alcohol at all, he’s a granddad of a random kid taken from the streets, and kills innocent people. doesn’t really sound well, huh?

and that’s the huge problem with that small series of films. the producers don’t understand Spider-Man (don’t @ me with Spider-Verse, Sony didn’t touch Spider-Verse, it was written by the ever great Phil Lord and Chris Miller), and they never will because they frankly don’t give a shit. they ruined Spider-Man 3 by forcing Raimi to put Venom in there despite Raimi not being able to handle the material and not being interested in that character. reason why they made the TASM films? money. reason why they keep the rights to Spidey? money. so since they don’t understand Spider-Man, they can’t make a good Spidey movie as long as it’s them making that movie.

I also want to add that I like crap movies. Spider-Man 3 is half a solid movie, but you can’t have a bad time while watching it - it’s hilarious, has great action scenes, the characters feel like characters, and the tone is consistent. Venom movie wise is like 4/10, it has 2 prologues, and 179 plot holes and/or stupid choices, but it’s entertaining, funny (even when unintentionally), has some very good dialogues, and the Venom/Eddie relationship (right along with Tom Hardy himself) saves the movie. so I like crap movies when they’re fun, comedy gold, or just so stupid that you can’t help but laugh (see: Twilight). but when a movie is shit, and does none of those things, I can’t sit through it.

with all that said, here goes: reasons why The Amazing Spider-Man movies suck balls and are offensive towards the character of Spider-Man:

comic wise:

- Peter Parker - let’s google Peter Parker.

caring. kind. loyal. brave. scared. worried. intelligent.

that’s the basic core aspect of Peter Parker. you can’t change the core of a character or else they become a different person. the core aspect is what makes them them. Peter Parker is ‘with great power comes great responsibility’, he’s a struggling one because he made a choice to save lives and that choice often ruins his day-to-day life, he’s constantly trying to be a better man, but all while bad things are happening, he remains kind, loving, caring, loyal, respectful, and worth of the powers he’s carrying.

TASM Peter Parker? that dude’s a selfish dickhead. i could go scene by scene to prove my point, but off the top of my head, he:

stalks, creeps, breaks (important) promises, is rude 24/7 towards his aunt and uncle, risks people’s lives, damages public property and doesn’t even say sorry, sneaks into Oscorp by stealing someone’s righteously earned intern badge (plus literally laughing at the guy who got kicked out bc of him, what the hell).

other than that, Andrew Garfield does not look socially awkward or nerdy in the slightest. the movies are really trying to portray him as one and terribly fail. he’s not a good fit for this Spidey. Superior Spidey? yeah, that asshole, sure. I’m not saying he’s a bad actor, he’s an amazing actor. he’s just not good for the role of Peter Parker.

I mentioned Thor before and how making him a goofball actually worked out fine, and that’s because the core aspect of him never disappeared. he’s still Thor, courageous, righteous, loving, kind, but with more jokes. Peter Parker is a nerdy outcast, he’s socially awkward like 95% of the time, and doesn’t even know how to walk straight. Andrew’s Spidey? obnoxious-skateboarding-cool-looking-Edward-Cullen-like-tall-and-model-like cute. I have no words.

to add to his terrible traits, Peter’s only motivation to put on the red-and-blue spandex is revenge. revenge. I don’t care about that scene where he’s sitting with his mask wondering if he should go after the Lizard. that doesn’t mean a thing. it would if his behaviour changed, but it never did. he made a mask and then a suit so people wouldn’t see who commits the crimes (assaulting at nights while looking for Ben’s killer, that’s crime), that’s down-right fucked up. this is not Spider-Man. speaking of…

- Spider-Man - he doesn’t care about people’s lives at-freaking-all, and it just wounds me. he jokes around while people are being murdered (see: TAMS2 scene with the Rhino where he didn’t stop Rhino when he had the chance, instead letting him run over tens of people and kept. on. joking., or putting on a fireman’s hat while people are being killed). jokes? what jokes? that guy’s a jackass. he threatens a man saying he’d kill him if he’d be the one who killed uncle Ben. he publicly humiliates a guy, I don’t care if he’s a criminal. 

see this:

(the amazing s-m #797)

vs this

?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

- Ben Parker - he’s 100% useless in the movie. in the comics and in the Raimi’s movies, he plays a huge role. he’s Peter’s moral compass right along with May Parker, which…

- May Parker - her presence in the movie is pointless. she’s got no impact on the plot. cut out all the scenes with her, and it changes nothing about the movies. her presence only makes Peter look more like an asshole bc he’s one towards her 99% of the time. she’s there to be… I don’t even know. she’s useless. oh, no, wait, she’s there to make Peter break his promise to Captain Stacy. amazing.

movie wise:

- tone - inconsistent, all over the place. TASM1 is dark, silly, dark, lighthearted, funny, dark, funny, dark. why can’t it be just dark or funny? same goes to TASM2, except TASM2 is way worse due to the unconnected subplots. examples of well-toned movies: Homecoming (a comedy starring Spider-Man), Iron Man 3 (consistently cartoonish with balanced humor and action), The Avengers (consistently funny and cheesy).

- character arc - there’s none. Peter learns absolutely nothing. at all. he’s selfish and remains selfish. puts people’s lives at risk all the time. breaks promises, not learning any lesson. I mentioned Venom before and how it’s a dumb movie, but even that one has Venom have an arc. rushed one, yes, very rushed, but still an arc. 

- music - stock music + bad pop music + elevator music + something that tried to sound like dubstep but wound up being what comes out when you scratch your nails across the board ft. growling dying dragons from bad cartoons. I’m really sorry for Hans Zimmer that his name is in the credits bc the amazing Pharell Whilliams literally ruined the TASM2 soundtrack.

- directing - it’s shit. the movie’s shot with no life to speak of. boring shots, lower than average. there’s no scene that makes me ‘whoa’. there’s no scene that makes me ‘this is a really good shot. I very much like this shot.’ ok, I’m lying, there are two shots in the entire 2 movies. there:

these are the only shots that I like. out of 2 movies. please, take all my money.

on top of that, the colors are just ugly. Deadpool has greasy colors but they’re consistent and fit the creepy tone of the movie. TASM movies can’t decide what the hell they are so they are just a mess.

- villains:

x the Lizard. he wants people to be lizards, and that’s it. he wants his arm to regrow but then he goes ‘forget arms, now I want people to be lizards.’ and it’s sad bc he’s a very good villain in the comics.

x Green Goblin. motivation is weak, plus why did he crawl towards the suit? if he crawled towards the Doc Ock arms, would he become Doc Ock? how did he know hot to fly the glider? ‘you took his picture, so you know him’ - first of all, that shot was taken from 64508098 meters away, and second of all, how does this make Harry think Peter knows Spider-Man? he’s still better than Connors, tho.

x Electro - quite an odd one, weak motivations, what the hell was that with the corny speeches pulled out of his ass and completely out of the place? why did he even have shorts? where did he take his suit from? that’s a PG-13 movie, I get it, we don’t wanna watch an electric p*nis swing, ok, we get it  still, bad motivations, makes no sense 80% of the time, and... he’s just off. he’s such a badly-handled and poorly-written character I want to cry,

- other characters:

x Gwen Stacy - so called generic love interest. that’s it.

x I don’t even care.

- stupid bullshit - when a movie is good, I don’t care about plot holes or stupid stuff like visible reshoots (see: Tony’s hair in IW) or just idiotic moments (see: Black Widow knocking a guy out with her hair in The Avengers).

however, when the stupid bullshit takes over a movie, you can’t help but notice. why did the Lizard want everyone to be lizards? why did the electric eels fix the gap between Max’s teeth? what’s with the subplot with Peter chasing Ben’s killer? is Peter so stupid that he brought his camera with his name on it to Lizard’s secret layer? why are Peter’s parents so focused on? they’re 100% irrelevant and have no impact on the movies besides making them even stupider (that calculator scene, I’m-). why did Ben jump towards the gun? how did scrawny and skinny Harry Osborn overpower two armed, grown-ass guards? if Peter is smart enough to make web-shooters and web fluid, why did he have to look up the basics of electricity on YT? why is Gwen so stupid to grab a metal bar when there’s an electricity-fueled guy murdering people? why did even Electro become bad? why do people stand around very dangerous fight scenes like it’s a spectacle with fairies? run! the plane scene. the plane scene no2. the crane scene. how did the cranes happen to be perfectly in line across the way to Oscorp? even Raimi wouldn’t put this corny shit in his movies, and he made his trilogy corny for purpose. train? coming? out? from? the ground??? a video coincidentally waiting for Peter to be played in that train? Gwen Stacy happening to be the interns’ tour guide at Oscorp? how did Gwen get to the fight with Electro scene sooner than the police? why did the web get cut by two solid objects, simultaneously making a ‘cut’ sound, what the fuck was that? why were those movies even made? (money)

I want to add that I don’t care about deleted scenes. put them in the movie if they’re important. I really don’t give a damn there was a scene with Peter’s dad (which is just stupid) or some stuff with Connors. I don’t judge deleted scenes, I judge the movies.

and that’s it. I feel like I can talk more, but it’s like 11pm, and I have to get up early and go to work, so… I said what I said. you can’t change my opinion. if you like these films, I don’t care. they’re trash. if you can watch them and think ‘that’s a good movie,’ I’m glad you can, and I wish you a happy life with that bad perception.

to add to all of this, I’ll have you know that even Andrew Garfield is mad/sad that Sony compromised the character of Peter Parker for the sake of money.

before I go, the only good things about these movies:

- TASM2 suit is cool. I like it a lot,

- that scene where Peter wakes up and accidentally breaks things,

- that montage with Spidey after he breaks up with Gwen, it’s really nice and in-character, looking like it was written by someone completely else,

- they didn’t make a third movie.

P.S. if you want some good videos I remember seeing about those movies, visit yourmoviesucks and TheCosmonautVarietyHour on YT. also ScreenCrush explains what’s wrong with those movies basing on one scene, and it’s great.

P.S. 2. there was this comment on YT under the TASM movies review that I really like, and honestly what a mood:

[ember373]

Damn Hormones...

I have been very emotional lately. Crying more. Feeling hopeless more. Feeling very very...stuck. I’m still able to control my emotions for the most part when I’m out in public or around people (thank god), but my eyes have been leaking more and more of late when I’m alone. For awhile I felt numb and it was hard for me to cry. It was like I was all cried out and had no more tears to give. But the last month or so it’s like I can’t control it sometimes.

Take Mother’s Day. It was a long weekend anyway given that I was with in laws the last two days. I was mentally exhausted and knew I had to muster one (or two) last hurrah(s) for the two mothers. But dammit, it was my day too and I was going to do something for myself. So I slept in. I wanted to sleep more but was awoken with ‘When are you getting up because we need to leave for my mom’s soon’. Fine. I hadn’t forgotten that this day really isn’t for me as long as the mothers still live. (No, I do not wish them dead. It just is what it is). But apparently I wasn’t moving fast enough because the exasperated sighs came and the ‘How much longer?’s. I finally just told him to take the kids and leave so they wouldn’t be late and I would be there later. Are you sure? Yeh. Before they leave-is something wrong? Nope, I’ll see you there... Ok. See you there. :)

As I carefully put gifts together for the in-laws, I fought to remain calm. But when I heard the crunch of the gravel from the car leaving the driveway, it started. Slow tears at first as I maneuvered my small chubby fingers to delicately arrange everything just so. Then a bit more shaky as I placed the bits of color in. Everything was arranged in little glass balls. So pretty and colorful. Just like my life. How wonderful it must be to be an outsider looking in. Everything just so. I wonder how they’d react if it reflected how I really felt? I stopped myself from violently shaking the globes to match how I felt inside. After all, they weren’t for me. This day wasn’t about me. :) By the time I placed them in their bags I was sobbing. But I had a time crunch. Ain’t nobody got time for useless crying. So I moved on to wrapping the Mil’s gifts in tissue paper. After the second one I gave up and shoved the rest of her presents in bags with tissue paper haphazardly shoved around them. Shit, I forgot cards. Oh well...waste of paper anyway to give words that can never actually convey the complex feelings I have for this situation.

After I was done with the gifts, I hesitated. Should I just get ready or head straight over so I’m not too terribly late? Fuck it. It’s my day too. I’m getting ready. I feel like shit and I’m fat. Might as well try not to look like I feel. Everybody looks more kindly on a well put together fat person than a fat person who doesn’t take the time to make herself more presentable. Tears still streaming out of my eyes, I go and plug in the straightening iron. I usually put moisturizer on my face at that point, but I’m such a mess that I just skip that step and go straight to sectioning my hair. Unfortunately, I have to look in the mirror for that part and I can see my big ugly crying face. For the love-get it together woman!! How the hell am I going to do my makeup? I turn on some music on my cell phone hoping it will distract me. It doesn’t. So the whole time I’m straightening sections, trying to sing, and blubbering every 5-10 seconds. Lovely.

Hair done, I look in the mirror at my mess of a face. Suck it up. This is your life. You chose to let yourself live it for other people. Too late to be selfish now. GET...IT...TOGETHER. I take a deep breath. The honesty of this moment-of how my face looks in the mirror-the utter truth, despair, sadness, and hoplesness-I decide to capture it on camera. Then I take a deep breath and wash my face. It’s as if, by capturing it, I put it away and neatly locked it in my cell phone. I do light make up. There. Better. Nobody will ever know. Smile. No, not the fake one. Come on, you can do better than that. There you go. Make your eyes sparkle. Act like you mean it or they’ll see right through the ruse. That’s better. Now you’re ready for the world. I take a picture of my ‘happy’ face too. The way I feel inside all the time and the mask I present to the world. For some reason, I wanted to document them that day. Then I loaded up the car and went to live the rest of the day for other people.

And that has been my overwhelming feeling of late. That I am living my life for other people. That I could care less whether I continue to exist or not, but some of those other people-my kids namely-might be worse off if I stopped existing. As messed up as I am, they do need the good parts of me still. Maybe always. Even tho I’m sure my big fat ugly mess of a self embarrasses my kids, I’ve done some good things for them and so they still want me around. For now. Maybe for always.

Thinking about it all makes me want to cry again. I guess this is just another down turn and I just need to ride through it until it fades away into the background and is liveable again. Keep getting up every day and find something to be grateful for. A roof over my head. Food to eat. Money from my job to go to the salon and get sushi. A husband with a job that pays enough that my money can go to salon visits and sushi. Kids. Warmth. AC. All the other stuff is gravy. I got the basics covered. No need to cry. My life could be much much worse. I’m rather spoiled if you think about it and should be very grateful. Gratefulness begins within. Find some spark of joy and hold on to it with all your might. Nobody likes a Debbie Downer. People will just get pissed off at you for being so ridiculous when you are surrounded by so much. Like it really matters how you feel. How you feel is ridiculous. It’s selfish. There are people who depend on you. Take care of them. You signed up for this, now follow it through. It’s your fault for wanting more. My life looks so great to people on the outside. There must be something wrong with me that I can’t enjoy it. Quit being so sensitive. Marriage is hard work. You just have to keep trying. Keep trying to understand him. To help him. To support him. To listen to his frustrations. To constantly redirect him and show him the truth when he gets in that negative space. He’s not built like you. He’s not able to return that. Nobody is built like you. To expect there to be anyone else that can do that for you (besides the people you pay) is just stupid. You were put on this earth to love on people, nothing was ever said that you would get that kind of love in return. So do it and quit complaining. Go get your hair done and eat some sushi to recharge. Fill that emptiness with things because that’s all that matters. You need to be grateful for the things. All the things. You have so many things. You silly girl. People would love to have all your things. You’re just selfish and unreasonable. You don’t deserve more. You don’t even deserve what you have. Remember that. Always. Now pick your ass up, stop feeling sorry for yourself, plaster that goddamn smile back on your face and do what you know you’re supposed to. Good girl. If you do it enough it will begin to feel right. It will...fulfill you? Who cares if it fulfills you. It’s what is right. Repetition makes neural pathways and when the pathways are formed the newly learned thing becomes easier. This is just like that. Keep at it. Keep accepting. Keep taking it all in. Keep giving. Give more. That neural pathway should set any day now and life will get easier. You’ll accept everything a lot more and be able to breathe and feel satisfied. Put your needs aside. They aren’t worth anything anyway. Keep building that pathway. With time comes acceptance. It will come. Someday. It will come, just keep at it.

I started my period today so I think I’m going to blame all these intense emotions on that. Damn hormones.

[halvatir]

ahhh sorry anon my sis deleted the original post by mistake??? thank gOD i had a backup on my drafts ;w;

it’s not silly at all, lol (°∀°)b don’t worry about it!

what it works like will definitely depend on what characterizations you have for both, but since you asked me, i’ll do a couple for you:

kRO / jRO-based (from nightmare mode profiles) they say that the jRO characterizations are based off the official kRO ones??? idk

we have: responsible A+ leader & desensitizing logic lady

more like struggling with desensitization, kathryne’s struggling with keeping a poker face + emotions in check and admittedly she isn’t doing a good job of it

she and seyren get along okay: he goes to her for advice in case margaretha’s not available, she relies on him a lot when things get tough bc adventurers man

sometimes when seyren goes to kathryne for advice things get a reversal: sometimes it’s him giving advice to her bc poor girl tries so hard to be so above it all when she’s honestly breaking inside and it doesn’t make her feel any better that she’s venting it out to someone it just makes her all the more frustrated at herself

no, it doesn’t help that the first time kathryne vented everything out to was to seyren bc he was somehow the person she was trying to be: composed and never failing

seyren honestly doesn’t understand kathryne’s frustrations completely, but he tells her truthfully that he doesn’t have the slightest clue on why she would try so hard to keep herself invulnerable - she may think differently, but to seyren emotions are not a sign of weakness but strength, no matter how ugly or beautiful a person driven by its influence would turn out

kathryne tells him it’s not that easy for her but seyren says that he + bio 3′s there for her and whatever she may be going through, he would be always a listening ear

he may not understand her completely, but it’s better than just bottling herself up - he even goes as far to say that perhaps the reason why kathryne struggles with her emotions is because she never bothered expressing them completely + she’s kept them away for so long that she never understood why she felt those emotions in the first place

she gets terribly salty at seyren for days but actually that proves seyren right, at first kathyrne’s so annoyed that he has the gall to say all that to her + acting so high and mighty like he understands her but over time she realizes that she’s being petty and well hot damn, does she feel sheepish about that

that argument resolved and put aside aside seyren takes this as a good opportunity to get to know her better, he was a bit unsure on how to approach her at first but now he sees that at least, kathryne wasn’t as desensitized as she would appear

seyren makes it a point to ask how she’s doing at least once a week and kathryne’s a bit miffed bc she feels like a child but honestly she does feel a little better when they have their talks

the ‘composed + never failing’ image that kathryne has of seyren eventually breaks, bc she realizes that during their talks, seyren is also overcome with emotions at times but he handles it differently, at least way differently from how she’d handle hers

they enjoy each other’s company at regular intervals and while they would usually talk about serious stuff they also enjoy playing a fair amount of board games

kathryne has a lead by a slight margin

the most cryptic words seyren ever said to her remain to puzzle her tho

an invulnerable human is already a vulnerability to itself.

fanart pt 1.

let’s face it folks, there’s not that much different interpretations of seyren outside of ‘prontera chivalry’s #1 most responsible + virtuous knight’ although there are variations the basis is still that lol

okay that aside we have: responsible A+ leader & token mini moe

uhh now how the fuck would this work

kathryne for someone actually strong + smart as balls is rather… uh… childish…

is that regression? eremes swears it is.

… u know what, this is hard let me think about it i don’t think my brain can properly register kathryne as a full-blown cheerful character

but hey at least u have a characterization now *spongebob voice* imagine

fanart pt 2.

remember what i said about the lack of different seyren interpretations well sputnik views him differently nice they also view howard differently and i love it so much i adapted it ahhh

so we have: genki lord knight + mellow high wizard

uhhh no probably not that genki more like upbeat??? idk just not super genki, just imagine seyren with a sense of humor + notably lighter disposition

they’re like… odd??? we have seyren here who does most of the talking and kathryne who’s just like… there. it looks like she’s just nodding repeatedly but she’s actually listening to every word he says

best thing of the day for seyren is if he actually gets kathryne to crack a smile like OHHHH ITS SMALL BUT HEY HEY LOOK I MADE HER SMILE/LAUGH COME ON U GUYS LOOK HERE SHE LOOKS NICE WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE AND I DIDN’T GIVE HER A SLICE OF CAKE TO MAKE HER SMILE TAKE THAT LOSERS PAY UP

kathryne finds seyren funny and is actually wondering how talkative a human person can be as seyren talks to her - she finds him to be very passionate and encouraging even about the smallest and most ridiculous things, such as wondering about what if anopheles were actually shed off parts of metalings that come to life as angry buzzing motherfuckers

… say wut

seyren has no actual reason for talking to kathryne so often, he actually does that to everyone but he’d be lying if he wouldn’t say that one if his goals is to see kathryne smile more often

and u know, maybe make her talk too

on the rare times that seyren’s down, kathryne’s always the first one to approach him and holy shit she’s! talking! to! him!

she talks rather languidly but she’s kind when she speaks, and it’s visible in her face that she’s genuinely concerned about seyren - what does she do to cheer him up?

she brings up the topics that he was talking to her about

like

the most recent of them

yes she actually talks about the anopheles-as-metaling-sheddings theory

she gives him her opinion and seyren can barely register it bc he’s so touched??? like, when they engage in the one-sided talks he actually knows she’s listening but… wow??? she really listens up to the smallest detail???

he totally forgot that he brought up a what if the bio 2 was their future children theory lol wat are u thinking seyren kathryne reminds him

that really cheers up seyren a lot tbh and so talking about weird stuff to her is like a daily thing for him his topics get even weirder but kathryne still listens to him diligently

‘kathryne?’

‘…mm?’

‘thanks a lot.’

‘… no, thank you, seyren.’

she gives the nicest smile he’s ever seen on her face and seyren sees cloud 9 adios amigo odin have mercy on ur soul man

fanart pt 3.

the biolabs have tons of fanart + artists + interpretations okay

we have: drill sergeant nasty + genki high wizard

… genki kathryne holy shit let me lie down for a while i need to think

drill sergeant aka ‘lord knight seyren windsor has a stick up his ass and no fun is allowed 5ever’

… i still have no idea on how a genki kathryne would work but i’ll lean more on a genki = eccentric personality, something more of a closet troll / tease

‘keyron.’

‘yes, sir windsor?’

‘that smirk on your face is appalling. and if you are to address someone with a title, you are better off not doing so if you show not a single shred of respect.’

whoa take a chill pill man

‘oh, would you prefer a different demonstration of my respect for you, then? something physical? actions speak louder than words, don’t they?’

wELL that escalated quickly okay now this angle seems interesting

seyren despises her nature but admits her to be very respectable in battle, he laments that she would be very much tolerable if she were to act in accordance to her skill

kathryne generally doesn’t really care about what seyren thinks of her - wait, she doesn’t really find seyren interesting in particular tho

she just likes getting a rise out of people + seeing reactions is all, it’s like some game - cue joker-ish vibes

seyren totally gets it after watching her interact with the others and he’s like ‘i will not succumb to playing her silly games to appease her fancy’

but think: what if one day he actually does

oH

rly???

what if she subtly flirts with him for the lulz and he actually replies

not in his usual drill sergeant manner

not in a ‘okay fine whatevs lets play along’ manner

not in the obvious disinterest manner

it’s like his reply gives her the vibes of ‘i dare you to answer back, which, you probably can’t’

now suddenly kathryne finds him interesting

game’s on

oh wow i like this angle

other variations (which were at the top of my head sorry i can’t write them all lol)

stoic knight + stoic lady

drill sergeant nasty + shrinking violet

ax crazy + mellow wizard

responsible A+ leader + ax crazy

team dad +  desensitizing logic lady

knight in struggling chivalry + machiavellian lady

how i see it

we have: knight in struggling chivalry + pensive lady

they’re like equals n’ everything, they respect each other a lot and they see each other as reliable pillars of support

kathryne’s little on the words but that doesn’t bother seyren much - but when they actually do get to talking he really appreciates kathryne’s honesty and is very interested on how she sees things - bc face it man, logic is sometimes so illogical but she makes things so… logically simple.

how the hell does that work idk either

he’s not an idiot really but he just sometimes asks kathryne about random complicated stuff - he even asks her about how she’s able to conjure her spells once, and he listens to kathryne on the whole thing

she’s very impressed on how… logical seyren’s questions are (she’s not insulting seyren’s knowledge rly it’s just kathryne’s just… really well-read), especially concerning magic. even she has to ponder about some of his questions a bit, that’s why she finds talking to seyren a challenge. he sees things clearly for what they are without personal bias + judgement, which is like hard when magic’s the case

and even harder, supposedly, for someone like him who’s in the chivalry whose hearts are sworn to God / Odin

the q&a stuff’s bound to give someone a nosebleed but they’re really reasonable when they talk: they make sure to listen thoroughly before putting in their opinions and queries, like a really polite debate

when they do get to talking about sensitive stuff aka morals + faith + all that seyren’s built on, she can obviously see him struggling with himself and he even declares with a wry smile that he’s a hypocrite

what he does everyday to adventurers + corpses + his sword + his armor are a living testament of his failure + blasphemous actions - he even admits to kathryne that looking at them - she, margaretha, cecil, howard, eremes - furthermore twists the knife in his stomach

the guilt’s like the stench of blood he’s never going to get rid of from his hands + armor + pretty much his whole self

the nightmares are as often as the times he has to draw his sword in a day + as loud and piercing like the screams of the nth adventurer he’s slayed in the day

he’s a damned failure and he brought all of them down with him

it gets worse when he meets bio 4 bc they were sent shortly after seyren’s party went missing

it’s like to him, as a knight, a torture that is a hundred times worse than than death itself, what is the use of a knight who is unable to protect

listening to him talk that way’s really painful to hear, but what hurts kathryne the most is that she’s unable to properly console him

like

he’s right there

and for the life of her she can’t say anything

especially when he goes on about the part where he says that seeing his floormates is torture bc… seyren saw them that way…??? like… damn?

but honestly she knows that she can’t not bc she isn’t unable to understand / empathize, but bc she knows she will never know how much his faith + God + chivalry has influenced his growth and built him to be the man that he was before he became a rekenber victim

those three are probably the foundation of his very being and kathryne knows that she can’t have a full understanding of that bc her life didn’t revolve around those in the first place

their lives + principles are very different

but as much as they are different, that doesn’t mean she has to be indifferent to his struggles

she honestly admits all that to seyren, and the conclusion is that she may only know but never understand what he’s going through

but she will try the best as she can to offer the support she can provide, no matter how small it is, no matter if it helps or not

‘think of it as you will. you say it is the will and punishment of God… but somehow, take a little comfort in the fact that we are still here to support you - perhaps God has sought to give you a small blessing; a small sliver of hope… in His own way, no matter how cruel it may seem.’

‘after all… God works in mysterious ways, does He not?’

damn

angst amirite kick me i’m bad

idk what i’m doing anymore lol but thanks for the ask, hope you enjoyed reading this! ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

[inthewordsofahalfgoddes]

Free Writing

I feel sick. On friday i came home dizzy feeling like I was dead walking and passed out sleeping for most of the night into the day. I woke up sunday feeling a lot better but as i tried to eat my body was not having it. Even now I can’t stomach too much but apples and even then that is pushing it. i feel like at any second i will puke but It’s a faint sensation. I had two dreams that had me startled and put a slight cloud on my day until i forced the thoughts away. The first was strange and happened about 2 days ago. i was in an apartment listening to a friend of mine talk about his life. I was trying my best to fight trying to have sex with him and failing. even going so far as to entering the bathroom with him. ugh. i was pretty upset at myself in my dream cause I watched myself do it but in my head I was like ‘why are you doing this. don’t do it’. so anyway I have a pair of headphones on connected to like a walkkie talkie and I hear my ex’s voice on the other end. he’s talking about old money business and i click the talk end and ask him to repeat it. He is shocked and he says ‘your voice is too much right now’ and I apologize and ask him to repeat it. he starts to cry and i can hear the emotion and I look up feeling his pain. It was strange because I didn’t really care too much about the situation. I feel like I already moved on from him a long time ago and I didn’t regret my decision at all but haring the pain and emotion in his voice was too much. the dream ends and its a shallow dream so i know im near to akinng up. I carried that with me for the majority of the morning and it bothered me because i feel like i am being punnihsed for how the relationship went. I dragged it on for longer then it needed to be. wayyy longer and I still look back now and regret it but I’m learning to move past it and not dwell too much on it. I eventually was brave enough to face being alone and potentially being unloved so there is that. The other dream happened today. jesus had a weir dtanget and left a silly conversation we were having. i think he really just wanted to step away from me and i was actually pretty okay with it. I feel when we talk too much it puts a strain on our friendship. i wanna-say relationship but...I don’t like that. Inn my head im much more happy seeing it as a friendship because that means its safe. i almost don’t give myself any reason to be jealous  about others and i can give him my love in friendship and that is much more better for me. but some things he said got to me. He was talking about how dull and boring my life would be without him and at first i just joked about it but now I’m startting to see his point. Would i have been exposed to music without him? not as intense bth.My obsession with music and desire to persue it in some shape or form was inspiredby him and who he pointed out to me. I covet his songs so much. They are like staples for me and i dunno im actually listening to one of his songs now (let ‘em know by bryson tiller). So now that he has done his typical thing pretending to be upset and leaving “for couple of days” I have time to think. Its also venus retrograde whihc is like time to revisit and reassess how I see love, how i want to be loved and how I love others. also how my relationships look like and if there is a need for change. This is a simplistic view but its my understanding of it. So I know his venus is in Leo. which lmao is very fitting. hmm sometimes i wonder if I need to slow down with my thoughts of him. I am fascinated by him, pused by him, fired up by him, irritated, annoyed, and some feelings that i cant or wont name. So where does that leave me? Sometimes in my head i’ll call him allan and that makes me pause. Am i waiting for a saviour again? if i am i need to step back and realize that that only ends in pain and dissapointed hope. My last relationship i leanre da lot but it was under duress. it was painful and like forced me out of my caccoon under his hand and i felt so constrained as i tried to heal. it was too much for me and he never did understand me. Now that i’m just feeling jesus out I now see i see him as a saviour and i’m torn bewteen seeing him as one and being okay with it. is it so bad to have friends as liferafts? but at the smame time i dont think he should be treated like one :/ idk its weird though things have been feeling so surreal to me. watching my hands type and literally giving form to my words is unsettling to me. I feel like something is happening to me and i’m scared that its something bad. i don’t rmember being so sick before. in 3 years i only ever experieneced slight sniffles and here i am full blown sick and shit. i’m worried for myself and my body.I ask for michael’s healing and proetction. I am in a strange place and I wonder what will become of all of this. I feel so out of place. maybe its the books i have been reading too. When i read i somtimes carry bits of it into my life. i wake up in this world slightly disjointed and off. I finished reading parable of the talents and that left me shook. i have oto write a book review for that but ive been avoiding it for some reason? anyway I’m a lil way halfway trough lilith’s brood and I find the book fascinating and also scary in a way. i’m not scraed perse about the alients. or maybe i am idk. I’m more scared of the future where women and children will be vulnerable. why is it that males resourt to being bullies again once oscieties are gone? why sare they the most dnagerous? i mean even now they still are and its wrapped up in laws, decorms etc but in a dystopian futuere? terrifying. I couldnt be like Olomina and dress like a man because I am too fullfigured and womenly to pass. i am worried for myself. I just want to be free....i dunno what is going on with me? I ffeel like im drifting in and out of reality and things feel dreamy. I had a thought about my empathy and pisces power and like...maybe all my empathy is for books? thats when i feel so misty and out of it after reading ike my mind really led me away. im happy im reading again at least. it unsettles me that i am becoming  a women. I am entranced with myself seeing the curves, my skin and body seeing how beautiful it is but also seeing how dangerous it is to me and my life. How many times will people punish me for how i look? men mostly. and i dont mind suing what power i apparently have over them but its like i know it will be used aaginst me soon. i never feel wrong for knowing that my body is beautiful. I know it is and i know i am beautiful and a creature many may want to touch and have. I am growing into it and i feel like a flower that is maturing before peoples eyes and im afraid. i know fear is bad so let me say mor elike it unsetles me. but with chnage comes growth and i feel like because of my freeizing myself as i unthaw and turn into who i was supposed to be i am going to blossom very quick. its also weird too because as I say i want this this and this in my body over time i gain that. i was so e skinny and i wished to be thicker and now here i am getting thicker and i know if i atemore id be even thikcer and yet my stomach has not changedd and actually has remained smaller then it as before? i am also finally looking pretty. i felt like such an ugly child and now i wonder if its not that im being graced with it now but that i am seeing it in myself. i know i have eyes that can trap people. I actually look away to make them feel comfortable because if i stare too long at eople they either get caught up in my face (men especially) or they paue for a second.. idk. i feel like im changing t into something that ahs power that i am not comfortble handling;. or am i just being dramatic? the voice in my head is soft and quiet and that is the true me. I have to protect her because thhis world wants to hurt her and she is too good for it. that sounds weird.. But i know i have to keep this shell around me because peope see weakness and want to go for it/. when i gaine dback my sag and leo self i have used it like a shield against people and emotions. only a few know about my soter side/. jesus nampende and allan do. allan has used it and used it agains me to quiet myself, jesus looks down on it and i think nampende is the only one who sees it and sympathzes with it. alone i am soft and always ondering. when im with peoplei am dynamic lughing being wild and having fun. i know that that needs to be my face to protect me. these days i feel like i need to make a descion.  I dont know when and what i need to decide on but i know something will happen soon in my life. something big. idk.maybe its the new moon in virgo? or maybe its just me. im usually okay with momnets of confusion but coupled with this sickness and weird feeling im worried. i had my period so im worired im pregnant but....idk.anywasy on a more shallower side im getting my hair done and im trying to get a new phone. i know its mostyly because i wanna just fuck show people i actually am cute asf? for some reason i cna never capture how beauiful i am in pictures. maybe its the dymanicness of my face. idk i mosty want jesus to se it i think he thinks im ugy af and im like not??? if he saw me in person i dont think he would be saying and talking to me the ay he does. but i cant help things and tb its better that way. if i eve rsee him it will be a good suprise for me when i smirk at him like boyyyy you don fucked up;. anywyas im being etty and yes my exercises ha and will be fueled with this drema in mind veen tho i know it may not actually happen nor go the way i want ti to go. ughh sometimes i forget that im 23 and dont need to have it ll figured out. like thast not un expuse but i always be putting so much pressure on myself to know so much and catch up because i froze so much of myself. i know my body ma=eant well with how it chose to protect me but sis, i suffer lol.I am trying my best to just do my best. I feel tested and tested constantly but i guess with trying to be a better person and working on yourself. oh wait. PLUTO. i remmeber asking pluto a month ago to reveal all my bad shit a lotttt over the course of a month and sicne its a slow moving planet its prob now just hitting me. yikes. well if i cna make it through this then i really will be rdy for anything. so much pressure and stimulation i know i can survive but damn i need a break and shit.well i have tomorrow off so im probgonna chill and dhit. i have a meeting with some witches and other femmes in about an hour so lmao idk man im just trying my best. I hoope the universe sees that im trying because awd jesus i am. I love myself through this no matter what. the feeling that im gonna die is creeping up again its so strange i hvent felt this oh...its probably just anxiety over this sickess. ugdwheteriutuieyte45465hthrethuwt im gonna stop lol this has been too long already (peep the change in tone thast my sag self shining through)