#relieve mild depression

[shaisuki]

OMFG im so embarassseeed to send this but can you do gentle sex with loottssss of praise with geto and gojo. maybe a part two of a game of cat and mouse. maybe they're feelijg nice?

(𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗞) 𝗙𝗔𝗩𝗢𝗥𝗦

ft. bully! gojo satoru and geto suguru.

content warnings slight somnophilia, nonconsensual groping, noncon, dubcon, praise, dacryphilia, mild injuries, references to depression, bribery, fingering, gaslighting, jealousy, oc character, bullying, pet names. dead dove do not eat.

notes part one here. part three, here. do you really all want that revenge and chasing arc? inbox open.

SERIES MASTERLIST

synopsis after the punishment you took plus being sick gave them the reason to visit after your two days of absence.

you spent the next two days in bed. your phone turned off to block the calls and messages coming from them. not needing any reminder of what they can do while you shut the world for awhile.

after what happened, you couldn't bring yourself to attend your classes. absentmindedly staring in space while the world buzzes around you. passerbys staring at you in concern while you aimlessly drag your body around until your feet brought you back to your dorm room. taking a long, cold shower and plopping in your bed. crying your eyes out until they were puffy and red. you stayed in your bed the first day. squeezing your eyes until they are no tears to cry. every ache of your body reminded you of them. the bruises. the welts. you were lucky your ass didn't blister from the harsh spanking you got from him. only laying in your stomach until the time ticks by in the clock.

what meant to be a rest day turned to be a sick day. your head pounding and every breath feels like you were chasing it with a body that feels hot while your insides turns cold like water freezing in a fridge. luckily your roommate kindly checked on you. tending to your needs until you were better and with that they left you alone with a better chance to recover in your own in which you are grateful for and you snooze in your own.

while you slumber away from all your problems, there suguru and satoru was restless. there's a barrage of missed calls in their call logs and a handful of messages in the chat box, both you didn't see nor responded. they don't missed they say but actions lie and after the two days without you, nor a strand of your hair or a silhouette, they visited you in your dorm room.

knocking once, twice and the door swung open and they expected it to be you. with your surprised reaction and they can't wait to wipe that relieved look in your face after getting a surprise visit from them, instead your roommate was the one who greeted them. staring at them inconspicuously. a bored look in their face wondering who would bother you at this time.

“she had been sick and is recovering. you should visit for another time.” they explained. ignoring the irritated look in their faces. “if you insist. lock the door before leaving.” they gave up as satoru began to threaten them about dorm privileges. it comes in handy and they were granted access to your own safe space. your roommate left shortly muttering about being late to a group study and won't be back until tomorrow which granted an opportunity to be left alone with you.

the curtains were open. a slight breeze coming from the outside your window gently blew. giving your room a natural cooling. your roommate weren't lying when they said you were sick and is currently recovering. a thermometer is neatly placed in your bedside table along with medicine and a glass of water.

a soft whoosh being heard in the room coming from your sleeping figure. tucked in the blanket and satoru almost gleefully want to jump on you but suguru stopped him.

“careful, satoru. she's sleeping.” the blue-eyed man pouts before slowly putting his weight on your bed while suguru settles besides your sleeping figure. covered by the blankets to preserve your body warmth and satoru being the one who can't keep his hands on himself decided to tug your blankets down. leaving you to shift in your sleep but satoru doesn't care as always of your comfort.

mind in a tangled mess of being deprived of you. satoru always was on his whims. never letting anyone to dictate what he's to do but sometimes he could listen to suguru. he knows suguru missed you. they both did. no phone calls not even a message and he's angry. your left them high and dry.

removing his glasses and putting it away, his sweater followed through. showing his defined muscles. he hovers above you. drinking in the sight of your sleeping figure and it's different from how you usually is.

a simple oversized shirt draped in your body. showing your bare legs and the cloth riding up exposing your creamy thighs ridden with the bruises you took from them. some are healing and the others, fresh from the punishment they've given you the other day.

your round cheek is smooshed in the pillow and your unkempt locks of your hair sprawled above you. you're almost innocent and satoru isn't the type to fawn over someone. such domesticity is present in yourself. almost innocent. he leans down to you. his lips brushing in the apple of your cheek and just simply inhaling the scent in your neck. his hand went simply to touch your thighs. soft and warm like clouds from the plushness and the heat you're radiating.

it was the best of your sleep in your entire life, maybe since you started college. it has been nothing but nights that are spent when satoru and suguru would bring you to places you've never seen just to use you as a tool to warm their cocks. it was a nightmare. late in the night you would be back in your dorm room like you were trash. in your sleep there's nothing of it. the humiliation they would do to you. the names that you didn't heard since childhood. the tears coming down just to tire you out until you've fallen asleep. in your slumber, it was all quiet. a dreamland that is granted to you for only a night and then you woke up.

your eyes flutter to adjust your sight in your room but before your eyes could open. you feel a presence near you, you only assumed it was your roommate it was taking care of you when you were sick. you call their name.

“akira?” you call out softly but instead it was the voice that terrorized you and when you hear that voice, he's also here.

“who's akira?” suguru asks you, beating satoru to ask you first. of course they know who is it. they were just messing up with you. satoru studied your expression. a mixture of shock and fear mingling into your face and he smiles at your frightened expression. tears quickly appeared in your eyes and he frowns at your expression. a terrified look is thrown at him and he's hurt by it. a little.

“where's akira—i mean my roommate?”

“they left.” suguru changes his posture. sitting in crossed legs while you slowly backed away until your back is pressed against the wall. gojo sitting in front of you. examining you.

geto tuts at you. “let's get down to other important matters, princess.” you winced at the pet name. your head hanging low and suguru climbs to your bed. grasping your chin with his finger and forcing you to look at him. meeting the fierceness of his own eyes. “where were you? ignored calls and messages. care to explain?”

“i was sick.” you mutter softly. blinking in a nervous manner and suguru let goes your chin. satisfied with your answer and knowing that you're not lying to his face. he smiles and looks at satoru.

“clearly, you're recovering but you can take us again. right?” he whispers behind you. his hot breath tickling your ears. you shaked your head. you've been sick. they would understand but they have other things in their mind running right now and that is to use you again. he places you in his lap, forcing your chunky legs to spread.

suguru ignores it that little denial you were doing and his hands slides in your arms and cups your round belly. slowly pulling the hem of your oversized shirt until it rested at the top of your breasts which suguru wasted no time in fondling them. groaning at your ear from how soft you are and kissing your nape.

satoru beams up like a child on a christmas day. his present in front of him unwrapped. suguru had abandoned your other breast. satoru removes your panties and suguru takes advantage of it. brushing his fingers in between your slit and slapping that cute little clit of yours making you jolt and suguru chuckles. enjoying the tiniest of reactions coming from you. he rubs your slit for a few seconds until you were wet before plunging his thick fingers inside you. making sure you're prepped before satoru takes you whose already stroking his cock, bead of precum leaking in the slit of his cock.

satoru's patience is running thin he crashes his lips into you roughly. forcefully shoving his tongue in you making you sob at the intrusion. his pulse quickening. moaning from the kiss from how good it was. why it was this easy to feel this way with you. just a kiss, a touch. yes, he torments you. took pleasures of your pain. seeing how helpless you are and with the tears in your eyes. his reflection mirrored on it.

do you see him? for what he is. do you know how little self-control he have for you when he takes you.

he hold one of your round cheeks in his hand. his gaze in your trembling lips. swollen it was from how much he have kissed you. swept away from the fervent passion.

“slowly, satoru.” suguru warns him after making you cum with his fingers. he removes his digits to your soaked hole replacing it with satoru's cock aligning to your sweet pussy. “i know, suguru. i want (y/n) to recover but i know she misses my cock too—fuck” he hisses after sinking his cock deep inside you. the stretch burns despite being prepped by suguru's fingers. “that's it, sweet girl. taking satoru's cock so well.” suguru murmurs. biting the shell of your ear while he watch satoru crumbling in front of him from how good your pussy is.

gojo hoists your leg up, putting it beside his wait and his moans got louder. his cock getting deeper inside of you. pleasure coursing both of your stomachs from how good it was. “you love me being this deep, baby?.” gojo pants. once in a rare occasion he would be this sincere to you. for once it wasn't condescending. it was real soft from how he was speaking to you. holding your plush waist in his hand while he rolls his hips.

suguru chuckles. “but i bet you like it better when it's me and satoru are inside you, right? you always have the cutest reaction.” suguru taunts and followed by a chuckles after feeling your body tensing up. a curse coming from gojo following through.

“f-fuck, she does like that, suguru. she's tightening up.”suguru chuckles. “but i bet you want both of our cocks inside you, right? you love it when we make your slutty pussy ours. cause you're our greedy baby. bet you can't cum on satoru's cock without mine.” gojo lets out a curse followed by a laugh.

“f-fuck, she's squeezing my cock tight, suguru. yeah? you want suguru's cock inside you too, baby?” gojo teases. “shit, shit. okay, we'll get into that, okay. if you can cum on my cock, suguru will give it to you. understand—” his breath turning into labored breaths as his hips snaps forward, what once easy pace turning into much of harsher pace.

every jiggle of your body just turn him on more. seeing your round stomach folded and your breasts and just everything about you. he's not going to last. added by your chubby pussy choking his cock and trying to milk him with every worth of his cum. suguru warned him to never get this rough to you but if you're still on brink of recovering why this pussy of yours greedily sucks his cock deep inside you.

“want me to cum inside you? you're my good girl. you deserve to be given by my cum.” he babbles. holding the back of your thighs as he gets deeper insider you making you cry again and sob. geto cradles your cheek. whispering sweet nothings to you as his friend gets closer to his release.

“make sure to take satoru's cum, sweet girl or we won't get easy on you even you're not feeling well.” suguru warns. you can only nod. not wanting to prolong your suffering from this two even it was their way of being nice to you for a brief short time.

your pussy squelches with satoru's thrust. the man who's currently shaping your pussy hole with his length is clouded in haze. all he can do is drive his large cock in your hole that has been clenching on his length. beads of his cum are being slowly staining your insides along with your slick.

a choked moan out of the blue coming from you and a sudden burst of your orgasm came in manner that you didn't expect. your pussy convulses around with his length and satoru with his full force, buries his cock to the hilt in to your cunt. trembling as he spills his thick load of his cum inside you. his grip on your hips tight as he makes sure that he's balls deep while he empties himself inside of you.

“fucking good, hah, going to fuck this pussy again.” satoru grunts and suguru stops him. “not so fast, satoru. i'm next.” satoru grumbles and he hissed removing his still hard cock.

satoru's now behind you. fondling and pinching every skin his hands can cover while kissing you fervently.

“ready for me?” suguru asks you, already in between your legs with his cock brushing against your folds and you know it wasn't a question.

you thought after being done to you, they'll leave like they always does but instead they're still here. the clouds were dark and there's a cold breeze coming from your window.

after passing out from how they spent fucking their loads inside you, you expected to be alone with nothing as your tears comfort you but there was nothing as suguru holds you in his arms. your back pressed against his chest while he lay in your bed. half-naked while he smokes his cigarette.

satoru on the other hand was resting in your round stomach. pawing at it like he was an overgrown cat. fascinated at the softness of your flesh. kissing it occasionally and sucking it.

suguru was the first to notice the change in your breathing. signalling that you were awake and he presses a soft kiss in your temple. “slept well, princess?” you nodded at his question. “good.” drawing circles in your shoulder.

“i was thinking, maybe we should upgrade your wardrobe for a purpose, what you think, satoru?” he briefly looks at the man in your stomach.

satoru raises his head. “better. i'm getting tired of ripping those annoying clothes.” he grumbles. burying his face into your stomach.

“you okay with that?” suguru gets back to question you and you shrug. you never had a choice when this two put their mind on something, you're not an exception.” suguru growls and you immediately regrets your lack of reaction.

“yes, thank you.” you muttered.

“we're going shopping tomorrow.”

they didn't wait for your response and only smiles. you didn't have a choice. they'll make it a fun shopping trip for you.

[slytherinslut0]

Lorenzo Berkshire- Through Rain or Shine

Info: you’d had a tough couple of weeks, and needed to find a way to relieve the numbness in your chest. when your forever friend unsurprisingly joins you, the two of you finally admit your feelings for eachother, after all those years.

Word Count: 3.8k

Tags: 18+, smut, fingering, kissing, themes of mild depression, praise kink, fluff, so much angst, childhood best friends to lovers trope.

In the quiet solitude of your dorm room, the weight of exhaustion pressed upon you like an invisible force, each day's relentless grind etched into the lines of weariness on your face. The past weeks had been an unyielding onslaught of books and notes, every waking moment dedicated to the pursuit of academic excellence, driven by the burning desire to excel in the impending owls exam.

The recent breakup with your boyfriend had cast a shadow over your world, pushing you deeper into the solace of your studies. Nights blurred into early mornings as you immersed yourself in the expanse of your textbooks, seeking refuge from the echoing emptiness left by the now-fractured relationship. Distractions became your lifeline, a shield against the lingering pain that clung to your chest like an unwelcome weight.

As the culmination of your efforts approached with the passing of your owls exam, a bitter relief settled in upon the conclusion. Yet, despite the temporary reprieve, the ache in your chest persisted, an unyielding rock crushing against your lungs. Caffeine and sleep proved futile against the overwhelming exhaustion that permeated your mind and soul.

And on yet another seemingly mundane night, a symphony of raindrops assaulted your window with an angry rhythm, a stormy punctuation to the warm spring night. Beneath the cocoon of your sheets, you lay motionless, your gaze fixated on the rivulets tracing their path down the glass. Restlessness plagued your every toss and turn, a sleep-deprived mind refusing the solace of slumber.

And as hour after hour passed in the hushed corridors of Gryffindor Tower, you succumbed to a rebellious impulse, heedless of any potential consequences. Clad in only a pair of sleep shorts and a light long-sleeved shirt, you navigated the dimly lit common room, driven by a compulsion to escape, to just fucking break free for once. Troublesome thoughts of repercussions faded in the face of your overwhelming apathy, truly not giving one single fuck about what could, or would happen to you if you were to get caught.

The damp corridor led you to the entrance of the courtyard, where the angry rain battered against the aged stones. A deep breath filled your lungs with the crisp scent of the tempestuous storm, and as you stepped into the downpour, an electric warmth surged through your drenched body. The hard curtain of water enveloped you, washing away the numbness and invigorating your senses, a desperate attempt to feel something--anything--other than the weight of your weary existence.

In another brief stretch of madness, you descended, lowering yourself against the soaked, weathered stones beneath your feet. As your back connected, you felt the tension instantly leave your bones, a shiver dancing along your spine, a stark contrast to the warmth pulsating within. The rain continued its unrestrained assault, a cacophony of droplets drumming against your body and soaking you to the bone.

With each breath, the scent of petrichor mingled with the raw, earthy aroma of the surrounding flora. Your clothes clung to your body, a second skin saturated by the unrelenting downpour. The waterlogged fabric, though chilling, brought a visceral reminder of your exhilarated presence in this moment--a stark departure from the numbness that had gripped you for the last few weeks.

In the embrace of the storm, time lost its linear structure, and the weight of your weary existence momentarily dissolved. The courtyard became a sanctuary, a refuge where the boundary between self and nature blurred, and for a fleeting moment, you existed in a space beyond the confines of your troubles, surrendering to the elemental dance of rain and stone.

Until, suddenly, the ephemeral sanctuary of rain-soaked contemplation shattered abruptly as someone leaned over you, disrupting the elemental dance against your skin. Startled, you opened your eyes, squinting against the mingling rain and the sudden intrusion of the night. There, peering down at you with a mixture of concern and confusion, was Lorenzo Berkshire, your damn-near lifelong bestfriend.

His worried expression cut through the remnants of your momentary escape, and reality crashed back with a jolt. The rhythmic percussion of rain against stone now seemed distant, replaced by the urgency in Lorenzo's eyes.

"What in Merlin's name are you doing out here?" His voice pierced through the storm, the concern in his tone palpable. "You're going to catch a bloody cold."

You groaned, squeezing your eyes shut as annoyance rolled through you. The boundary between self and the outside world reasserted itself, and the refuge you'd found in the solitude had now entirely slipped away, all thanks to the presence of your wonderful, but admittedly infuriating bestfriend.

"Enz, for the love of all things magical..." you grumbled, stubbornly keeping your eyes shut against both rain and scrutiny. "Can't I just have a moment alone? Please, just let me be."

"I can't just leave you out here, especially when you're practically bathing in the bloody storm." Lorenzo's concern lingered in the air as he shook his head, raindrops scattering from the movement. "Come on...let's get you inside before you turn into a drowned owl."

You stubbornly shook your own head, now--your rain-soaked hair clinging to your face as a testament to your unwillingness to yield.

"Enzo, I need this..." you muttered, not ready to abandon the calm you had just found, only moments earlier. "Just-just give me a bit longer, please?"

Ignoring Lorenzo's outstretched hand, you clung to the puddled, uneven stones beneath you, a silent plea for solitude amidst the storm. At your denial, your best friends frown deepened, lines of worry etching across his forehead as he observed your silent resistance. The genuine concern in his eyes betrayed an understanding that surpassed mere words.

He knew you--knew the intricacies of your soul since the days when stumbling was a more common occurrence than walking. He knew this was not like you.

He crouched down beside you, raindrops creating a haphazard pattern on his shoulders. The bond between you two transcended the need for spoken explanations. As he rested a hand on your shoulder, a comforting weight that spoke of shared history, he sighed.

"You've weathered storms before, but this...it's different. You're different." His voice was soft, gentle, barely audible over the sound of rain slamming the stone next to your head. "I'm worried about you."

"I know, Enz," you admitted, almost reluctantly. Opening your eyes, you met his gaze, and in that moment, vulnerability hung in the air. "It's just...everything--the exams, the breakup...I needed a moment to drown it all out, but it seems the storm found me first."

Enzo's hand on your shoulder tightened slightly, a wordless reassurance that spoke volumes. Together, in that shared silence, you both acknowledged the profound truth--you weren't facing the storm alone. He'd simply never allow it. And then, without uttering a single word, Enzo lowered himself to the rain-soaked stones, settling beside you with a quiet understanding. The haphazard patterns of raindrops now painted both of your figures entirely, a shared canvas in the midst of the storm.

In the hushed ambiance of the stormy courtyard, shielded behind bushes and flowers, you shifted your gaze toward Enzo, silently appreciating the allure of his rain-soaked features. Long lashes, adorned with raindrops, sparkled like morning dew, tracing a delicate path along his rosy cheeks. There was a captivating ease in the way he simply basked in the warm rain, his handsome features unburdened as though he was simply reclining in the luxury of his bed.

Enzo had always embodied an enduring quality, a trait that defied life's intricate twists and turns--an attribute you had always found yourself inexplicably envious of. His carefree demeanor wasn't a recklessness that jeopardized education or safety; instead, it mirrored the carelessness of a child navigating their first steps or the unburdened joy of someone soaking up the sun after a harsh winter. He moved through life with a rare freedom, an effortless lightness that resonated deep within you.

For that, you couldn't help but love him--a sentiment woven into the fabric of your bond. No matter the trials life presented or the stretches of silence between you, you unfailingly found yourselves back together. Side by side, navigating this crazy thing you called life.

"I'm here," Enzo's voice shattered the silence, a gentle reassurance that jolted you out of your contemplative trance. It dawned on you that you'd been lost in the steady gaze of his rain-kissed features. "You don't have to talk to me...but I'm here."

Your response came as a slow nod, a silent acknowledgment of his unwavering presence. The weight of his words wrapped around you like a comforting embrace, a reassurance that soothed every inch of ache in your bones. It was right then, that you realized, since he'd laid down beside you, the numbness in your chest had completely fucking vanished.

Turning your attention back to the sky, you shut your eyes, embracing the rain that pelted your face. Basking in the comforting silence, you whisper, "Do you ever think about the day we met?"

Enzo's fingers brushed against yours, a tender touch that spoke volumes as he replied, "All the time."

His response stirred a warmth in your chest, a gentle flutter that resonated with the shared nostalgia. "The day at the lake?"

His low chuckle, like a melody in the rain, accompanied his words, "When you stole my toy shovel and then pushed me into the water when I tried getting it back?"

“Oh, please!” An uncontrolled giggle bubbled from your lips as you countered, "that's not at all how it went."

Enzo's eyes sparkled with amusement as he awaited your correction. "Okay, then, enlighten me. How did it really go?"

"Okay, okay, maybe it did go a bit like that..." amidst laughter, you playfully explained, "but you were the one who stole my bucket first, Enz. I had to get you back for it!"

"Fair enough, angel, I might have started it." Enzo's laughter blended with the raindrops as he conceded, "I guess I had it coming.”

Smirking, you retorted, "You've been a pain in my butt since the day we met, Enz…some things never change, do they?"

Enzo's grin widened, and he retorted, "Guilty as charged. But you love me for it, don't you?"

His eyes, filled with a mixture of mischief and affection, reflected the depth of a connection that had weathered the mischievous escapades and grown stronger with each passing storm.

"How couldn't I?" you responded with a fond smile, your gaze locking with his. "With a smirk that irresistibly charming, you make it impossible not to."

"Can't argue with that, angel," he quipped, flashing his teeth playfully. "Charm has always been my secret weapon."

As your laughter faded, a pause settled between you two. Staring at him, a flood of memories cascaded through your mind--years of friendship, shared laughter, and the occasional drunken kiss that had always lingered like a quiet undercurrent. In that moment, you couldn't deny the feelings that had grown, evolving beyond the boundaries of friendship.

The courtyard, still bathed in the rain's embrace, became a silent witness to the realization that the line you'd hesitated to cross might have finally blurred beyond recognition.

"Enz...have you ever...felt, lost?" As you blinked, you glimpsed his lips, your voice a soft murmur as it left your throat. "Like everything you thought was solid, just…crumbled away?"

"Absolutely," he confessed, a soft sigh escaping him as raindrops adorned his lashes like jewels. "It's like the ground beneath you turns into quicksand, and-"

"You're unsure of what to cling to, because it feels like..." you interrupted, your eyes locking onto his.

"....it’s all collapsing alongside you," he finished, completing your thought with a shared understanding. "Absolutely, angel...absolutely."

As you paused, eyes fixed on his features, a rush of emotions surged within you. The realization of your profound affection for this boy, the depth of his unwavering presence, and the shared history you both carried became palpable.

The weeks of self-imposed hibernation in your dorm had isolated you from the world, but here, in the midst of the storm, Enzo stood by your side. His willingness to weather the rain with you, to share the weight of your troubles, became a testament to a friendship that had transcended time and circumstance. The unspoken understanding, the shared glances, all hinted at a connection that had weathered storms of both the heart and the skies.

"Enz," you murmured, the endearment slipping from your lips like a secret shared between kindred spirits. "Thank you, for being here...it means more than you'll ever know."

"You don't have to thank me, angel," he replied, a warm smile tugging at the corners of his rain-kissed lips. "We've always been in this together...through rain or shine--it's what best friends do."

In the quietude of the rain-soaked courtyard, a charged silence hung between you and Enzo. Your heart, like a captive creature, pounded in your chest as you found solace in the shared gaze. His brown eyes, an intimate dance of vulnerability and unspoken sentiments, darted between your eyes and lips.

And then, in an unexpected surge of emotion, the two of you moved as if drawn by an invisible force--his hands found your face, a gentle reassurance, while your own hands mirrored the sentiment, delicately grasping the back of his neck as you pulled him close. Lips collided in a shared moment of exasperation, a kiss that seemed to carry the potential to mend wounds. Enzo's soft, warm lips moved with a careful precision, as though he feared shattering the fragile connection by moving too quickly or being too rough.

A sigh mingled within your shared breaths, and the emotional tide of the kiss swept over you. In the midst of the courtyard's relentless downpour, the intimacy of the moment became a sanctuary. Emotions, sought when you ventured into the rain-soaked space, surged to the surface, rendering you more alive than you had felt in fucking weeks.

Enzo, breaking the kiss with a soft, lingering reluctance, allowed his lips to trail along your jawline. A whisper of breath brushed against your skin as he confessed, his words carrying the weight of years of unspoken desire.

"I've wanted to do that for years," he admitted, the revelation settling in the damp air around you. "...for so many fucking years..."

Your response came as an instinct, your hands finding their way into his hair, pulling him close with a magnetic urgency.

"Me fucking too," you whispered, a fusion of emotions flooding your voice, "why did we wait so long?"

Enzo's gaze, now intensified by the admission and the proximity between you two, held a mixture of regret and longing. He nestled closer, his lips brushing against your ear as he spoke with a sincerity that echoed through the courtyard.

"I don't know, angel," he murmured, the words carrying the weight of missed chances and unspoken confessions. "Maybe we were both waiting for the right storm to finally let it all pour out."

"Mm--pour it out for me, Enz," you whispered, your voice a gentle plea. "Tell me where you've been...tell me where your heart is..."

With a shared understanding, Enzo gently urged you to lay back, guiding you back against the cool, rain-drenched stones. He positioned himself alongside you, his head resting on your chest, the closeness of his body providing a comforting warmth against the coolness of the courtyard. One hand cradled your head while his other traced a delicate path down your stomach, igniting your skin into flames. Inhaling a sharp breath, he confessed,

"Someone once told me that it all comes down to the last person you think of at night." His fingers teasingly traced the line of your shorts as he continued, "That's where your heart is."

As his words lingered in the air, a tender smile played on your lips. Your eyes squeezed shut, encapsulating the vulnerability of the moment. Your hands found solace in his hair, fingers gently petting as you embraced the emotional tide that swept over you.

"Mm-yeah?" you murmured, finding it challenging to stay fully focused on his words as his soft teasing fingers traced along your inner thigh. "And who do you think of?"

Enzo pulled his head from your chest, meeting your eyes with an intensity that cut through the rain-soaked ambiance. His gaze held nothing but pure seriousness as he uttered, "Can I touch you, angel? Please?"

A near mewl escaped your lips, your entire body buzzing with anticipation. "Please do, Enz," you whispered, the plea carrying a mixture of desire and vulnerability. "Gods, please-"

Enzo leaned in, pressing his lips to yours in a soft kiss as he inched his fingers closer and closer to the edge of your shorts. As he slipped his tongue past your teeth, gentle yet urgent, you found yourself practically holding your breath in anticipation, shifting your legs wider slightly to give him better access.

Without wanting to keep you waiting for much longer, his long fingers slipped past the edge of the soaked fabric, connecting directly with your heat as you weren't wearing any panties. You moaned into his mouth and he swallowed it eagerly, his fingers wasting no time at all before beginning to rub tight circles against your clit.

Your grip on his hair tightened, your entire body quivering and squirming against his touch. You lost yourself in sensation, moaning into his mouth as he manipulated you expertly, sucking in air through his nose as he kissed you like he could devour you. The cool raindrops on your skin contrasted with the heat building in your body, and you felt as if you were about to burst with pleasure, explode with emotion.

Breaking the kiss, he pressed his forehead against yours, both of you breathing heavily as he slipped a finger inside you while his thumb continued to rub against your clit. You arched your back against him, feeling every inch of his finger stretching you out as he drove you to the brink of ecstasy, whimpering as quietly as you could as the two of you blended into the darkness, curtains of rain acting as your shield.

"I think of you, angel," His lips found your neck, kissing and biting gently as he continued to work you with his fingers, building your orgasm dangerously fast. "I think of you before I sleep...I wake up and I think about you..."

Your hands shifted, fisting his shirt as you cried out in pleasure, raindrops falling around you in a steady rhythm. You could feel his lips on your neck, leaving wet kisses as he continued, "I think about kissing you good morning...I fall asleep while thinking about kissing you goodnight..."

"Oh...Enz..." the words sent a fresh surge of desire through you, and you arched your back involuntarily, trying to get closer to him. "Oh my Gods..."

"You're so beautiful like this," he murmured against your skin, his breath hot against your ear. "You know I'm helplessly fucking in love with you, right?"

"Oh-fuck-" you moaned, louder than you'd expected as he increased his pace on your clit, his finger pumping in and out of you with increased intensity, sending your vision spinning. "Enzo-"

"Mhm...pretty girl..." he cooed as you tilted your head back, giving him better access to your neck, and he obliged by nipping and sucking at the sensitive skin. "I fell in love with you back before knowing what love even was..." he placed sloppy kisses on your collarbone, nipping softly. "And I've stayed in love with you because no one...fucking no one has ever made me feel the way you do."

Moaning softly, you squirmed beneath him, unable to contain the growing intensity coursing through your body. Tears welled in your eyes, each word that escaped his lips resonating with a tidal wave of emotion, threatening to engulf you under the weight of your own heart. This overwhelming surge of happiness felt surreal, like a dream you never dared to believe could be real.

Suddenly, he slipped another finger inside you, stretching you out wider as his thumb continued twirling over your clit. You cried out in pleasure, the intensity of the sensation making your toes curl, your chest reaching for oxygen as though you’d been starved of it for years.

"Fuck, you're so wet," Enzo murmured against your skin, his lips trailing kisses back up to your jawline. "Does this feel good, angel?"

All you could manage was a nod; your breath was coming in short gasps as the pleasure built and built inside of you. The rain continued to fall down around you, a cooling contrast to the heat in your body, bucking your hips against his hand, becoming increasingly desperate for release.

"Good girl...so, so good..." he purred, kissing his way back up your jawline until he veered back and met your lips, pressing the plush entirety of his mouth to yours. "I continue to fall in love with you every fucking day because there's no one I could ever picture my future with, other than you..."

"Oh Gods, Enzo..." you could feel the tension building in your body, coiling tighter and tighter until you were practically vibrating with need. "I'm so fucking in love with you..."

"Mm," he purred, grazing his lips against yours. "Music to my ears, angel..."

As if sensing how close you were, he slipped a third finger inside you, his movements becoming almost frantic as he continued to rub your clit in tight, harsh circles with his thumb. Your body shook with pleasure, every nerve ending sparking with sensation as Enzo's deep brown pools drilled into yours, watching every slight ministration of your face as you teetered on the edge of pure fucking ecstasy.

"Fuck-Enz..." you moaned, grasping the soaked fabric of his shirt for dear life, squeezing it within your trembling fists. "I'm going to-"

He kissed you again, smiling against your lips. "Cum for me."

That was all you needed to hear; and with a sharp cry, you came hard, spasms of pleasure wracking your body, your vision blurring as pleasure washed over you in waves. Enzo continued to move his fingers inside of you, riding out your orgasm until you collapsed, panting and spent. In the aftermath, as you both caught your breath, the rain persisted, its cool touch soothing your heated skin. A comfortable silence enveloped you, a serene pause in the midst of the rain-soaked courtyard.

After a lingering moment, Enzo gently pulled you up to your feet. Gripping your face with a tenderness that echoed the shared vulnerability, he kissed you again.

"I'll be here for you," he murmured, his words a gentle reassurance. "When you're down, I'll hold you; when you feel like you can't get up, I'll support you. We'll navigate this at your pace, angel. There's no need to rush."

"We've been friends since we were toddlers--how much less rushing can we do?" Giggling against his mouth, you playfully teased, "I just want you, Enz. You've made all the pain in the last few weeks completely irrelevant in a span of an hour...it’s always been you.”

"Then have me, love," he cooed, his fingers entwining with yours. "Whatever you desire, it's yours."

[writingoddess1125]

(S)cream?

Scary things they do that turn you on

Buggy, Mihawk, Crocodile, Law

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Buggy

This was humiliating- You had joined Zoro on his journey as a bounty hunter and ended up coming along as he joined the newest pirate on the scene Monkey D Luffy- You didn't necessarily agree but you were a loyal friend..

That and Zoro had too much damn dirt on you for you to let him go on his own-

One of those diets being.. your particular taste in attractions.. which unfortunately came out when you first interacted with Buggy the Clown in Orange Town.. already you were kidding liking the scary clown thing.

"Stupid Straw Hats- No matter.."

Buggy laughed darkly his eyes locking on the lot of you as he pulled put his blades.

"You are all going to die"

You watched the clown laugh darkly and held one of the knives infront of his face licking them as he geared up for an attack- your face warming and you felt the top of your ears starting to turn red at the sight.

Zoro turned to stared at you in utter disgust as if already knowing what this would do to you-

"You have awful survival instincts..." He said plainly as you blushed and looked away ashamed and embarrassed- Buggy now confused over why your own crew was looking at you so disappointed and you so shamed.

"E-Eh?" He questioned as he glanced back at the crew just as confused as their Captian. You felt like sobbing at this point as you turned away from them all and pouted in the corner depressed.

"I know..."

Mihawk

Was your friend a idiot? Maybe it was the alcohol but it the famed most powerful swordsman showed up and you challenge him when let's lace it- He had issues beating a clown.. Who thought this was a good idea!?

"Zoro this is stupid-" You hissed, looking over the open chested man and having to quickly steer those thoughts away to try and save your friends life. Yet of course he ignored you and Nami and marched away-

The next morning you all showing up {besides Nami} to support Zoro on his idiocy- Mihawk making his appearance and once again.. Damn- pulling that necklace from his neck with a easy flick and pulling out a tiny blade.

"Whats that I came here for a swordfight-"

"I don't hunt rabbits with a Canon-" He replied as he held his arms out to the group, You felt that loyalty for Zoro starting to slip away when you heard his voice and that almost amused dangerous look to him as he threatened your friends life.

A-Ah.. So you did have some mild daddy issues and maybe something for dark men. The sensation of blood seemed to leave your brain and warm other parts of your body.. You sigh and bow your head.

"For fuck sakes-" You mutter, Rubbing your temple as you try to calm yourself back down and figure out a way from this situation.

Crocodile

Being the head assistant for the Cross Guild had its pros and cons. A pro was you got pain Very well for your work- You doubted Goverment workers got what you got, paired with the protection from its leaders. A con however was the terrible workload you had constantly and also having to just stand against the wall during moments like this.

"-You fucking Fool-" Crocodile hissed as he held Buggy by his throat angrily. Mihawk sitting down drinking his normal wine which you refilled every 5 minutes to keep the sword master pleased.

"Please Forgive me!" Buggy cried as Crocodile continued his verbal assault on the Clown Captian. Buggy had messed up- Once again and it seemed this time was enough for Crocodile to opt to try and choke Buggy to death rather then the normal beating the bluette relieved.

Crocodile blew a cloud of smoke to the side, his glance landing on you for a second before returning to insulting Buggy.

"(Y/N)- You are dismissed" He grumbled, squeezing Buggys throat again as you caught his glance-

"Y-Yes sir.."

You stood there with wide eyes as Crocodile held the squeaking and squaking mess that was Buggy hard by his throat- hissing threats at him and pointing that hook right at his throat.

This should have been scary- It was actually scary.. but also- You couldn't help but let your mind start to drift to if you were in Buggy's position and immediately felt your body flesh at the thought. Strong hands around your throat, cold wall against your back and Crocodile hissing insults in your ear-

"Huh- Learned something new about (Y/N).." You say softly with a nod at this new self discovery and walked away quickly before you embarrassed yourself.

Law

"(Y/N)!!" You hear your name being called, rushing to the railing you see your crew approaching and you smiled.

"You guys are back!!" You cheer as you rush off the shit to help your friends board- That's when you spot new people there with your crew.

Tall, Brooding? Covered in blood? Holy shit...

"This is Law- He's going to help us out" Sanji explained as Law nodded softly at you.

"Hello-" He said calmly and you gave a shy smile.

"Nice to meet ya Law, See you're pretty banged up- Let's get you on the ship so chopper can treat you" You say calmly trying to be polite.

"Should see the other guy, but i appreciate it Love" He said with a dark smirk before wincing at his injuries. You felt your cheeks warm at this-

You clapped your hands together to give yourself strength, Taking a breath before doing a direct U-Turn back to the ship.

"(Y/N)?- Where are you going?" Nami called out as the crew watched you march away just as confused by your sudden actions.

"Going to go do some 'Finger Painting' Be back later" You said calmly, you were fortunate the crew was too innocent to understand your words.

[wife-of-all-dilfs]

the five stages | f. odair

masterlist

summary: a journey back to a golden period of time of polaroid pictures, white knitted sweaters, and lively sea-green eyes. why? because in the present, those same pair of eyes are ruthlessly unrelenting and you have no other chance of their escape.

pairing: finnick odair x fem!reader

warnings: heavy angst, vomiting, implied smut, depression, maggots, hallucinations, relieving fluff, mild horror. I don’t want to spoil the story too much, so I won’t be adding any more warnings, sorry y’all. this could be very triggering so please read at your own discretion. some descriptions are quite graphic!

notes: I’m super proud of this one—it’s sorta based off “little talks” by of monsters and men and “on the nature of daylight” by max richer. this fic probably won’t get many views, so I’ll be incredibly grateful for any—if any at all—type of engagement! <33

word count: 8k

The bedroom was cold; dark; empty. Empty even though I still resided in it.

My alarm had gone off two hours ago, yet I hadn’t moved an inch. When I finally turned my head to the side, I found that the space beside me was vacant. Cold; dark; empty—I reached out my hand anyway.

Thirty minutes passed before I wrestled myself out of bed and started making breakfast downstairs. The otherwise warm and flavourful plate of fruit-filled yoghurt and scrambled eggs on toast left my mouth feeling dry and my throat lodged.

It used to be one of my favourite meals. At least, when he was around.

Dishes were piled in the sink, dirty and untouched. I sat on the couch, pondering whether today was the day I would finally get to cleaning them. It wasn’t. I couldn’t. We always did that together. I wondered—if I left them in the sink long enough, would he return? Even just for five minutes to help me put them away? One month and seventeen days had passed, and yet I still entertained this thought religiously.

I wasted an hour running circles round the same contemplations before deciding fresh air, as cliché as it was, might do me some good.

Grey clouds concealed the sun’s warm golden light when I stepped outside, but that was fine—I didn’t like anything golden anymore. But he would want me to leave the house at least once a day, so that’s what I would do. I would go down to the beach beside our—my house and feel the sand collect between my toes as I walked to the water’s edge.

But wasn’t that where he was when it happened? Wasn’t he in water? Didn’t those things pile on top of him? Didn’t they sink their fangs into his neck and tear at his flesh until he was blown to…

Bits of egg, yoghurt and stomach bile sat at my feet. My legs buckled, and I collapsed to the ground in a sandy, tear-stricken heap. Since my lower body had refused to cooperate any longer, it took me until midday to crawl back up the dune and to my front doorstep.

Fuck. I needed to rest.

“I need you to rest, sweetheart.”

“I told you, I’m fine,” I whined. “I’m not sick.”

Finnick placed a bucket on the ground beside the bed. The room smelled of lemon disinfectant—a joy I often found in being sick… That is, if I were sick, which I was not. I must have drunk spoiled milk or eaten something bad during breakfast. Nevertheless, Finnick was not having it.

“You’re throwing up everything you manage to get down, and you’re shivering like it’s the middle of winter,” he said adamantly, tucking the comforter up to my chest. “It’s summer, and you’re very much not fine.”

I sat up, ready to heatedly debate the subject, but the room began swirling, and my ears were hissing like a staticky television channel without a signal. A quiet whimper buzzed in my throat as I hunched forward. Damn him, I was sick.

The mattress dipped as Finnick sat beside me. His hand was on my back, rubbing it soothingly as he used his other hand to tuck away the curtain of hair concealing my face. I huffed, half in annoyance, half in an attempt to suppress the nausea rising in my throat, and then sunk back against the pillows.

“Not sick, she says,” he jested, smiling down at me. I rolled my eyes, though unable to hide the weak, betraying smile creeping across my lips. “Close your eyes, sweetheart,” he said, a gentle command. “I’ll see you when you fall asleep.”

The wooden flooring welcomed me with hard, cold arms as I hauled my sandy body through the front door. Images of fangs, bloody flesh, and panicked sea-green eyes flooded my mind.

More breakfast, more bile. No lemon disinfectant.

My knees were folded beneath my body; my body was hunched over my knees. I was sobbing now, so hard that I threw up again (was there even anything left in my stomach at this point?), creating a thick puddle of vomit and tears beneath me. Cries and gasps for air bounced around the house. To call me a mess would be an understatement. I was a disaster. A disaster wrapped up in an unmendable tragedy with a ragged, threadbare ribbon barely holding me together.

And in case I wasn’t aware of this fact, the floorboards were so shiny that they mirrored a reflection of myself. My hair was a being of its own, all wild and unkempt, and my face was another story entirely—a red, blotchy thing I wasn’t too interested in delving into.

But the most unsettling aspect had nothing to do with me, it was that there was someone else in the reflection. Two green balls of light were glowing above my head.

Dishevelled golden hair…

Dimpled cheeks…

My forehead was pressed to the floor as I screamed.

“I don’t want to make you sick as well,” I said, contrarily enjoying the feeling of Finnick’s skin warm against mine, hot blood flowing through his veins.

A day had passed since I first became unwell, and the sickness had continued to wreak havoc inside me.

We were both under the thick covers, our limbs tangled together as he held me atop his chest. (my body didn’t register the scorching summer temperatures. I actually felt as though my core temperature was a few degrees below freezing. Meanwhile, Finnick was characteristically toasty warm. It was perfect for me, but not so much for him, evident in the beads of sweat collecting on his forehead. Nevertheless, he made no complaints).

My body rose and fell with each breath he took. I was trying to inhale whenever he exhaled in a weak attempt to prevent the festering sickness in my body from entering his, and though it was a futile gesture, I did it anyway.

“In sickness and health, remember?” he said.

I smiled. “We’re not even married.”

“Yet, you mean,” he countered. “I plan on spending the rest of my life with you, sweetheart. You know that.”

My heart fluttered at the thought of spending an entire lifetime with him—waking up in each other’s embrace each morning, the warm sunlight peeking through the blinds of our bedroom; Finnick calling me “Mrs. Odair” or “My wife” at every opportunity because doing so made us both giggle like two moronic, love-struck teenagers; and being unable to prevent the deep smile lines on both our cheeks as we age, a constant display of our perpetual happiness.

“Sixty more years of having and holding you,” he continued with a gentle musing in his tone. “For better or for worse... For richer or for poorer.” He then stroked the side of my face and brushed away the sweaty strands of hair sticking to my forehead. “In sickness and in health…”

“…Until death do us part,” I finished, my voice slow with fatigue.

Two fingers sat beneath my chin and tilted my head upward. My eyes connected with Finnick’s. They were soft. Heartfelt.

“Not even then. I’ll love you beyond the grave,” he murmured. Then his lips were slowly curving into a pensive smile. “When we’re both ghosts and haunting the next owners of this house.”

I was now smiling, too. “I’d hoped you would say something like that.”

How could he lie like that? There was no we. There were no next owners. There was only me, alive and alone in a comatose house. And mind you, I was sane enough to know that it wasn’t actually his ghost haunting me, though I wish I weren’t because having that knowledge was even worse. It meant he was truly erased from existence.

“Go away,” I whispered to the reflection on the floor.

He didn’t. His vacant green eyes kept staring down at my crumpled figure.

I shot off the floor and spun around, hot tears streaming down my face. “Go away!” His face remained expressionless. He looked like himself, only colder. “You said sixty more years! You said we’d be together!” I mindlessly picked up and flung a small picture frame at him, only for it to pass through his body and shatter on the floor behind him. “Why did you lie to me?!” My voice was frayed with fury, though underlined with grief.

He said nothing, did nothing. All he did was watch.

My legs buckled, and I was on the floor again. I was whispering, half-sobbing, the same question over and over until the words slurred together. “Why’d you lie? Why’d y’lie?” The only time I stopped was when my tongue grew too heavy to move anymore.

To my surprise, he eventually came and sat beside me, remaining cold and silent—as I too had become.

Glass fragments from the picture frame were scattered across the floorboards. The photo within had fallen out and, ironically, drifted towards me. I didn’t bother acknowledging him as I moved onto my hands and knees and began crawling forward—my palms slicing open and blood seeping out—until the photo was in my hands. My shins had granules of glass pricking into them, but I couldn’t feel the pain; all I could do was stare at the memory in my hands.

The picture had been taken in District Thirteen, a day before he signed up for… the mission.

I was drifting in and out of sleep when a sudden bright flash lit up my eyelids.

“Oops.”

Heavy eyes fluttering open, I was met with a small camera pointing down at me, which was being held up by a lengthy muscular arm, which was connected to an even more muscular and broad shoulder, which was connected to—okay, sorry, I think you get it.

“Finnick!” I shrieked, pulling the covers over my naked figure.

He laughed, the vibrations rumbling deep within his chest, beneath my ear. A soft whirring sound accompanied the polaroid sliding out of the camera, its black film hiding the doubtless embarrassing picture beneath. He placed the film on the sheets beside him, letting the photo develop in darkness.

“I was supposed to cover the flash,” he said, still chuckling.

I rubbed my eyes, which were twinkling with little sparkles of light. “I think you blinded me.”

“Lucky you,” he jested. “You’re finally free from my repulsive exterior.”

I started to reach for the picture beside him—“You’re an idiot”—but then he was rolling us over until his arms were pillared on either side of my head and he was hovering above me.

His hair was a mess, a testament to the night before (and very early hours of the morning), and he was sporting a beautiful, lazy grin. “Yeah? Well, you’re engaged to an idiot,” he said, tilting his head in an arrogant manner. “So what does that make you?”

The sea-glass ring hugging my finger gleamed in the lamp’s dull light as I reached out to touch his face, my fingertips brushing along the edges of his pronounced jawline. Tangled strands of hair and a beaming smile were reflecting back at me in his eyes. No one had ever loved anyone as much as I loved Finnick—disregarding the one exception that was staring down at me.

“Blinded by love,” I whispered.

Brief yet poignant emotion trickled through his features, his eyes. Then, like a flick of a switch, he covered it up and lowered his face into my neck, groaning the words, “So corny.”

My fingers were tangled in his hair, holding him close to me. “Liar,” I laughed. “You loved it.”

“I love you, which is why I put up with your corniness,” he murmured into my skin.

Even after all this time, my heart still leapt whenever he said those three words, even when he was being a jerk about it. I kissed the top of his head. “I love you, too.”

We laid like this for a short while longer��Finnick keeping his face buried in the warmth of my neck, his arms curled beneath my body; me playing with the golden waves of his hair that were somehow softer than my own. He was so heavy on top of me that it was starting to become difficult to breathe, but in no universe would I ever tell him to get off. It was a blissful sort of suffocation.

A sort anyone would snap a picture of just to keep as a reminder of how beautiful it feels to be smothered with love. With that being said, the picture that lay awaiting beside me was brought back to mind.

“Oh no,” I moaned, picking it up and taking a short glance at the developed photo. I covered my face with my hands, repeating the words, “Oh no.”

The photo was plucked from my fingers, and Finnick began humming contentedly to himself.

In the photo, my face had been nuzzled into his bare, muscular chest, eyes closed in sleep-drunken serenity, hair thrown over my shoulder and spilling across the pillow. My hand rested on his contoured stomach with just enough of my upper arm and low light to conceal my breasts. Finnick had a delicate hand draped over my waist. He was gazing down at me with a smile that was just… full of pure love.

I had to admit—it was a beautiful picture. Despite my initial disapproval.

“Beautiful,” I heard him echo my thoughts, his eyes still scanning the photo. Then his brows furrowed, and his head slightly inched forward as though he had just noticed something peculiar in the picture. “Oh, and you are too, I guess.”

My head tilted back against the pillow with an abrupt laugh. I shook my head, looking back at him. “I hate you.”

“Liar,” he said, leaning in closer.

His lips were on mine for what must have been the millionth time in the past few hours. The bedside clock announced that breakfast was soon approaching, though it was clear neither of us would make an appearance within the next hour (or two).

“You love me,” he whispered as he slid inside me.

And I did.

I really did.

The muscles in my cheeks were straining due to how hard I was smiling.

It wasn’t my idea to keep a picture of us half-naked in the entryway of our home. He always was a bit unusual like that. Completely unashamed of who he was and how he acted. Sometimes a little too boisterously, but that’s what I loved so much about him—how confident he was in his love for me, so much so that nothing else mattered, no one else’s opinion.

God, I love him so much.

Love…?

Wait.

That’s not right.

Shouldn’t it be “loved”?

And why was I smiling? I didn’t have anything to smile about anymore. He was gone. Our wedding never occurred. Our faces never wrinkled with smile lines. Our clasped hands never weathered with age. He was gone.

The polaroid slipped from between my fingers. My hands were covered in glass and blood, blood that had painted a dark red splotch in the middle of the shiny film. Figures.

After a short while of staring blankly at the scattered debris decorating the floor, I finally found it in myself to start climbing back onto my feet. My straightened legs wobbled and ached beneath me with the little energy I had. That’s what happens when you can barely stomach food anymore: no energy, always sleeping, always swamped by nightmares or bittersweet memories—at this point, they were one and the same.

Not a strand of gold or a fleck of green was in sight when I glanced over my shoulder. For now, at least. He liked making an appearance once or twice a day.

Pieces of glass crunched beneath my bare, stinging feet as I made for the stairwell. A mess for another day, I reasoned. Just like the dishes. Sticky red footprints stamped each wooden step I ascended, growing less prominent as I reached the second floor.

After taking a right down a short hallway, the encompassing walls littered with magnificent seashells and dried ocean flora, I turned the knob to the furthest room and entered. The floor was landscaped with mountains of clothes which drenched the room in a familiar, all-consuming smell. The scent kind of reminded me of receiving a warm hug, albeit from someone you know you should let go of in more ways than one.

His hair, golden and tousled, caught my eye as I passed the wall of string-hung polaroids in our… sorry, my bedroom. His smile was all dimpled and brilliant, and he had his tanned arms wrapped around my middle. Just moments after the picture was taken, he had tackled me into the water and rightfully earned a smack on the back of the head. In turn, he did it again.

But before that, we were both looking into the camera with the most joyful expressions—huge grins, bright eyes. Frozen in time.

I never let myself look too long at that picture anymore. And I never, ever looked into his eyes. Green used to be my favourite colour. I didn’t have a favourite colour anymore. It was safe to say I didn’t have a favourite anything anymore; everything favourable was a reminder of him.

I picked up a white knitted sweater off the ground and tugged it over my head, staining it with splotches of dark red. Knowing him, he would wear it regardless—whatever was mine, was also his, and was equally the same in reverse, even things as grotesque as blood.

Well, he would have worn it, I should have said.

The sweater had been specifically tailored for him. I remembered how the soft sleeves hugged his arms so well that every fluid curve of his biceps was visible, similar to a building wave before it crested. On me, the sleeves swallowed my arms whole, which I liked to think in their own unique way had also been unintentionally tailored for me, like someone out there knew one day I would need some way to drown in him when he was gone.

Finnick’s fingers tugged at the silk ribbons, unwrapping the opulent gift box that sat on our dining table. Capitol devotees would send extravagant parcels weekly, turning up in abundance on our doorstep. Sometimes Finnick didn’t even bother opening them; sometimes we opened them together just to get a good laugh out of whatever ridiculous item was inside.

He never, though, opened the perfume-scented letters marked with lipstick stains.

“Oh,” I said in surprise as he lifted the lid. Inside was a folded piece of fabric, knitted and cream-white and intricate, though still simple. It was soft to the touch; thick enough to retain warmth. I held it up with two hands, admiring the hand-sewed threads of cotton. Whoever’s handiwork this was, it was nothing to laugh at.

Holding it up to Finnick’s torso, I smiled and said, “Try it on.”

“What?” He shook his head and smiled quizzically. “No.”

“Yes. I think it will look good on you.” I pressed it further against him with conviction. “Try it on.”

He tilted his head and exhaled deeply through his nose, giving me a begrudging, squinty-eyed look. From that, I already knew I had won him over, and watched as he snatched the sweater from my grasp and tugged his shirt off with one hand. I averted my eyes, feeling the tips of my ears flush with heat—we’d been together for over a year now; you would think I’d have grown accustomed to seeing him shirtless.

His head slipped through the neckline and he pulled the sweater down his body. I was right. It looked really good on him. Perfect, actually. The measurements were so precise that the fabric sloped off his shoulders like a compact mountain of snow. The thick-knitted collar dipped into a deep, uneven neckline that partly revealed his chest and made his neck look like a strong, contoured pillar. He looked at me expectantly, as though to ask, “Well?”

“It makes your neck and shoulders look really nice,” I blurted out, instantly cringing inside.

His expression contorted into something of amusement and surprise as he took a slow step towards me. “My neck and shoulders, huh?” he said, grinning devilishly. Oh, now I’d done it. Leave it to me to rocket Finnick Odair’s already atmospheric ego. “Anything else?”

I began backing away, but his prowling strides were so long that the space between us only shortened. When my backside hit the edge of the dining table, I knew I was done for.

“You know,” I began, avoiding his unrelenting stare. “I think it was just a momentary lapse of judgement.” He was closing in now, placing his hands on either side of my body to trap me in place. “It—It actually looks terrible on you,” I said, feigning sincerity and adding a little nod to help further my case.

His eyelids drooped as he gazed down at me, lips curving into that seductive smirk he had mastered long ago. “No takebacks,” he purred, voice low and gravelly. Dear God, I could only pray I wasn’t going to melt into a puddle on the floor. He always did this—took every opportunity to flirt and render me a stuttering, bashful mess. It was his favourite game to play. “This is now my new favourite shirt. All thanks to you, sweetheart.”

But, given the right timing and ever-wavering amount of confidence, I liked to play too.

I inhaled deeply, hoping my voice wouldn’t betray me. “Maybe you should take it off then,” I said, cocking my head to the side. “So you don’t ruin it.”

His mischievous expression revealed his next words before he even spoke them. “Maybe I will,” he said, and then he was tugging his sweater over his head, and I was tearing off my own. As his hands slipped beneath my thighs and lifted me onto our dining table, I prayed the wooden legs wouldn’t collapse under the weight of our next actions.

My fingertips ran over the soft, rippling patterns on the knitted sleeves, my arms crossed in a self-soothing manner. After that day, the sweater had become a sort of good luck charm—or so we agreed upon as we lay panting on the tabletop. He started wearing it to a multitude of events and parties in the Capitol (basically any place in which he needed a pick-me-up, a reminder of what he had to come home to, who he had to come home to).

He even wore it the day we got engaged.

So many happy memories were associated with this one white sweater. So many times, those cloud-soft sleeves were wrapped around my body, suffocating me in the scent of him—if nothing else, at least that remained.

The last time he had worn it was the day of the Reaping for the Quarter Quell; the last time our lives were ever semi-normal. I had fought tooth and nail to reach him before he was escorted onto the train, despite being ordered, “No goodbyes,” by one of the Peacekeepers. In modest terms, I had significantly decreased his chances of reproduction.

When I reached Finnick, he had brought me into a kiss so harsh and fervent that my lips were bruised the next day. He then yanked off his sweater, leaving his upper body completely exposed to everyone around us in complete disregard for his trauma-induced fear of doing so, and shoved it into my hands.

I had just stood there frozen in bewilderment, watching as he called out, “I love you, sweetheart!” Two Peacekeepers were forcing him onto the train, but he too fought for the last word. “Don’t forget—I’m always with you!”

That statement had never been truer than it was now. For better or for worse.

My vision unblurred as I returned to reality. Dismal, grey light was peeking through the shutters that formed the balcony doors, the daylight hours seeming to tick away at a snail’s pace. I used to wish for the days to be longer, for time to move slower, so I could savour the moments I had of happiness and sunlight which used to be plentiful.

Why do wishes only come true when you grow to desire nothing but the opposite?

Slothfully, I crawled onto the unmade king-size bed, my limbs crumpling and balling to my chest as the side of my head hit the pillow. The imprint on the mattress beneath my body didn’t match my own. It was much larger and broader. How long would it take for the springs to forget his body weight and recoil back into place as though he never existed at all?

I inhaled the sweater’s scent with every breath I took (and I tried not to wonder how long it would take for his scent to disappear as well) and hugged my arms around my waist. No pain was worse than the fleeting moments I forgot the embrace was my own and not his.

Hours passed, and so did the evening. A beautiful orange sunset hadn’t slipped through the shutter’s cracks because the clouds never dissipated. Night-time brought no consolation either. Not even the stars or moon made an appearance. Everything that once gave me a shred of optimism was hidden behind a veil of gloom.

I knew tomorrow wouldn’t be any different—the weather, my mood, his absence. Because the end of autumn was closing in, and the days were becoming bleaker. Trees would start shedding their leaves; the leaves would start to die.

I hoped I would too.

I was still curled up on my side, my body aching with stiffness, when my face began scrunching into this ugly, twisted mess of despair. My tears were slow yet heavy, synonymous with the day I had incurred.

But then something strange happened.

Someone called my name.

No. That couldn’t be right. I was the only one who occupied a house in the Victor’s Village; the others had either relocated after the war or were… dead.

But there it was again—my name, distant and eerie, yet spoken with a tone people often used to beckon over and aid a frightened, injured animal. My vision blurred, both from tears and concentration on the voice.

“Hey.”

I couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment my surroundings transformed into a kitchen, just that they had and that I was no longer in my bed but standing upright.

Ahead of me, in the distance, the sun was beating down on the crystalline water, and white frothy waves were cresting on the smooth, golden sand. It was a perfect day; not a cloud was in sight. The only blemish that smeared the blue sky was the reflection staring back at me from the window I gazed out of.

In my hands was a soup bowl and a damp dishrag.

“Sweetheart?” That once distant voice, concerned and beckoning, was standing right beside me.

Blinking, I snapped out of my daze and turned away from the window.

He stood tall beside me, despite being half hunched over the kitchen sink and scrubbing the last of the few dirty dishes stacked neatly on the bench top. His head was turned towards me, his enamoured sea-green eyes peering into my own as though he was searching behind them for what troubled me.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, standing up straight. His touch was warm and gentle as he reached for my hand, leaving soapy bubbles on my palm and fingers. “Where’d you go?”

Three odd things seemed to occur at once: first, I flinched away from his touch, overwhelmed by its paradoxical unfamiliar familiarity; second, I felt an inexpressible relief from seeing him standing before me, seeing his cheeks painted with a soft pink hue as though blood-red roses were hidden just beneath his skin.

The third was an onset of disorientation. I couldn’t tell you why I felt disorientated standing in my own kitchen with the love of my life, just, simply, that I did. There was an answer—it was close by, right under my nose, yet unreachable. We did this every day, didn’t we? We would eat meals together and then wash up together. So, why did I feel so unsettled?

I shook my head, dispelling the confusion that muddled my brain. “Sorry,” I whispered. “I don’t know what happened.” I laughed uneasily, without a hint of mirth.

He laughed too, not to poke fun or because he found my obvious turmoil amusing, but rather to comfort me, so I would feel less alone in my unease. “It’s alright,” he said gently.

Neither of us addressed what had happened; we simply resumed our routine of washing and drying in domestic silence. And as seconds turned to minutes, and as the sky remained sunny, I found myself smiling. All that mattered was that he was standing beside me and that the sun was beaming in the sky. So, I kept smiling.

After I finished drying the last dish, we began placing the plates, bowls, and an abundance of cutlery in their assigned drawers and cupboards, weaving past each other and giggling anytime we got in one another’s path. I was carrying a stack of white plates, eyeing the high cupboard they needed to go in, but before I could even attempt straining onto my toes, the plates were out of my hands and taken into another much larger pair.

The smell of sea salt and expensive cologne wafted from behind me as he towered over my shorter frame and placed the plates in the cupboard.

“I could have done that,” I said, smiling as I turned around to face him.

He had a playful glint in his eye. “Yeah, right. What are you, like, four feet tall?” he joked.

It was an extreme exaggeration since I was no way near that height, but I suppose everyone was miniature in comparison to him, being over six feet tall and all. I feigned open-mouthed offence, to which he gave the side of my head a quick, playful kiss of apology.

He then leaned against the counter with crossed arms. “Plus, when was the last time you actually put these dishes away? I’m surprised you even remember where they go.” He was grinning at me in a teasing manner, but every ounce of humour had drained from my body.

My eyes drifted to the floor.

Well, that was the question, wasn’t it—when was the last time I put the dishes away?

I couldn’t remember. In fact, I couldn’t remember what had happened this morning or the day before. Hell, I couldn’t even remember what we were doing before the dishes.

To be standing in a room, in a place you call home, and have a sense that nothing is in its right place, even though that is where everything has always been, is a disconcerting feeling beyond belief. To be perplexed by your own state of being—your existence—is even worse. I could almost describe it as a nauseating bout of vertigo.

My hands found the counter’s edge behind me, and I exhaled a shaky breath.

He stepped in front of me, one large and gentle hand reaching up to cup my jaw. “Are you okay?” he asked, his forehead wrinkling with shallow worry lines as he inspected my face. I hated that. I hated that I worried him so much. Sure, partners were supposed to lean on each other for support in a relationship (as he too did with me when needed), but I always felt so guilty doing so. Hadn’t he already suffered enough… pain in his lifetime? Who was I to cause him any more?

A sunbeam suffused the room, oozing across his face. The illumination lightened his eyes into a refreshing mint green, though, in contradiction, unearthed a pain that had been previously been concealed. Pain from what, I wasn’t sure. From concern regarding my unusual behaviour? Maybe a thought that was troubling him? Or perhaps he too was enduring a spell of confusion and had an inexplicable feeling that he was out of place.

Whatever his pain regarded, seeing it had rattled the deepest structures in which held my mind together.

It was then that I suddenly realised I hadn’t answered his question, so I gave him a wan “I’m-not-too-sure-myself” smile and then began slinking back to the sink window.

He followed behind me. I could feel him staring into the back of my head, could feel his brows draw together and his lips pull into a tight line, patiently waiting for a further explanation, though I wasn’t sure I could offer him one.

I hadn’t noticed before, but on the windowsill was a small picture frame containing a polaroid picture of us in bed—I was lying on his chest, half-naked and asleep, and he was looking down at me, smiling fondly yet with a sort of mischievous knowability. Running down the middle of the protective glass was a small, jagged crack.

I plucked the frame from the windowsill, inspecting the picture in my two hands. It seemed to uncover a place in my mind—once clouded by disorientation—I’d forgotten. Whether this place was real or imaginary was beyond me, but the fear I felt upon its recollection was incandescently genuine.

“Do you think,” I spoke tentatively, “people can have nightmares while they’re wide awake?” My thumb ran over the crack.

I might have heard him inhale a quiet, sharp breath, but it also could have just been the waves breaking on the distant shore. “Like a flashback?” he asked, an unidentifiable unease in his tone.

“No, not exactly.” I searched my brain for the right words, the right way to tell him how I was feeling, but it was difficult when I could only conjure vague fragments. And it was all I could do to tell it to him elliptically, as I knew saying the words in any other manner would shatter my heart.

“I had this vision,” I began, my words apprehensively staccato, “where I was somewhere else.” My eyes flickered over the picture. “Somewhere… bad. Everything was grey and heavy, and I was alone. Sometimes you were there, but you—you weren’t really you anymore.” I paused and looked up to find him staring at me in the reflection of the window. He looked pained; it was then suddenly hard to recollect a time when he didn’t. My throat started to constrict. “You were gone and…” my voice quietened to a broken wisp of wind, “you were haunting me.”

The room was silent.

He said nothing in response

The transparency of his reflection in the glass was so familiar—so haunting—and it was like another forgotten matter had been dredged from the depths of my mind. Stinging tears brimmed my waterline, and, due to my inability to bear the sight of his translucent appearance, I forced myself to turn around.

I glanced up at him, smiling weakly as I whispered, “I’m sorry.”

He shook his head as if my need to apologise was nonsensical (even I was unsure of what I was apologising for), and he then pulled me into a tight embrace. His chin rested atop my head; my face was buried in his chest, and his arms held me like I was some dilapidated structure that relied on his support to remain upright. Part of me knew this sentiment was correct.

I expected his next words to be ones of consolation or reassurance, maybe an “I’m right here, sweetheart” or an “I’ll never leave you”. Instead, I felt his head turn and heard him say, “Think it’s going to storm?”

With a sniffle, I turned my head towards the window. The arms wrapped around my body tightened as if he somehow knew I would need the extra support. Because when I saw the wall of dark, opaque clouds rolling through the sky towards us, an unshakeable dread zapped through my heart.

My hands clung to the fabric of his cream-white sweater, which then brought to my attention that an inexplicable tingling sensation was spreading down the fingers of my right hand, numbing them.

Lightning flashed on the horizon, and the once serene waves began cresting violently on the shoreline. The dread grew.

Before my attention could drift too far, my name was called again.

I looked up to find those green eyes gazing down at me, swelling with tears. He was crying. Why was he crying? And why was his hair wet? His usually golden strands had darkened to a deep brown and were drenched with cold water that dripped onto my cheeks, and his hair was swept haphazardly across his forehead, a reflection of someone who had just endured an intense storm or had just been fighting for his life against a swarm of—of—

No.

My own eyes began to burn.

“It’s killing me to see you this way,” he spoke, every second word breaking and wavering in volume.

The world seemed to tilt on an axis. Return did the disorientation, ravaging my mind more violently now. “What do you”—My chest was rising and falling with heavy breaths—“What? What do you mean?” My lower lip was quivering, and my eyebrows were scrunched together in confusion. His words replayed in my head: It’s killing me to see you this way.

It’s killing me.

His hair was dripping—no longer with water, but with a thick, red substance that both dripped down and clotted on his skin. He didn’t look pained anymore; he looked like he was in pain.

It’s killing me.

But that can’t be right, can it?

It’s killing me.

Why?

It’s killing me.

Becausemy Finnickwas already dead.

I staggered backwards and out of his, no, this imposter’s arms. He stared at me as blood streamed down his forehead, pouring over his eyelashes and down his cheeks. I was going to be sick. This had to be some sort of cruel joke, a newly invented punishment from Snow. But that wasn’t right either: Snow was dead too.

“F…Fi…” I tried saying his name, my top teeth prodding the inside of my bottom lip, but I couldn’t make a sound.

He took a step towards me, and I almost stumbled onto the floor. “Remember what I told you?” he asked, though it sounded more like an urge.

I frantically shook my head. No, I didn’t remember. I didn’t want to remember anything.

Something dark and mountainous appeared in my peripheral vision, and an odious smell singed my nostrils. My head snapped to the left. Stacks upon stacks of plates and bowls mounded the kitchen sink, each crawling with maggots that were falling to the floor in white, wriggling heaps.

Nausea boiled in my stomach; horror brimmed my eyes.

I quickly turned away, my eyes meeting green again. His face was no longer stained with blood, and his hair was dry, shiny, and golden with life. I was as speechless as my face was drained of blood.

He took one more step toward me, but this time I didn’t back away, either frozen with fear or desperation for one last experience of closeness with him. My heart thrummed as he reached out to cup my face. It isn’t him, it isn’t him, it isn’t him, I repeated madly in my head. Oh, but it felt so much like him when his warm hand met my skin.

���I told you I’m always with you, sweetheart,” he murmured. And I knew engaging with him, in whatever form he took, affirmed my mental unwellness, but I couldn’t stop from leaning into his touch anyway. “Remember that.”

My cheeks were wet with tears. “I love—”

A bolt of lightning flashed, and thunder boomed throughout the house.

I was back in my bed.

My eyelids were heavy with sleep as they fluttered open. I felt detached, destabilised, and unsure of my existence in the world for I wasn’t sure which of the twoI was currently in. Real or fake?

A few minutes went by before I managed to get a grip on reality, which, in fact, was the real one. The Somewhere Bad. I pinched the corners of my eyes, not only finding them damp with fresh tears but also realising that my right hand—previously tucked beneath my head—was numb.

None of it had been real…

The entire time, my body was trying to alert me, to save me from the inescapable heartache I would feel upon waking. He hadn’t held me in his arms. He hadn’t cupped my cheek nor helped me wash the dishes. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t anywhere (not even in his own marked grave because there was nothing left of him to be buried).

Even despite seeing the familiar tall outline standing in the doorway, his features illuminated with each flash of lightning, I knew it wasn’t really him.

Rain was pummelling the roof, almost loud enough to subdue the perpetual rumbling of thunder (apart from the one sky-splitting thunderclap that had woken me). In another time, I would’ve been scared—of the raging storm, of my phantom lover who was watching from the shadows of our bedroom. But not now.

In recent months, I had found that no emotion, not even fear, surpassed the soul-crushing realisation that you have irretrievably lost the one thing you lived for.

On a defeated whim, and for the first time since his death, I let the singular, weighted word breeze past my lips.

“Finnick.”

It was a trembling plea, a desperate beckon.

And he indulged.

His footsteps were silent as he walked towards the bed. I couldn’t see his legs from my position, prompting me to wonder if he even had legs at all. Or did he only have legs when I could see them? That would then insinuate that if I couldn’t see him at all, he didn’t exist.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? In my case, the answer was simple: no, it didn’t.

It wasn’t really Finnick. It wasn’t even his ghost. It was my mind.

He reached the bed’s edge, and I scooted over to my side of the mattress, allowing him enough space to lie down on his. His weight neither dipped nor shook the bed as he laid down and turned on his side to face me. His eyes were sad, and I’m sure mine were too. We stared at each other for a long, long time, long enough for my fatigued body to start playing tricks on me.

If I focused hard enough, I thought I could hear the sound of his breathing (the wind was picking up outside), feel the warmth of his skin spreading onto the sheets (the remnants of my own body heat were left behind each time I moved), and smell the musky scent of cologne and sea-salted hair (the sleeves of his sweater were tucked beneath my nose).

Maybe for a moment—just one sickly, self-indulgent moment—I could pretend it was really him.

I inhaled deeply through my nose. “You really weren’t kidding when you said you would haunt the next owner of this house,” I whispered as light-heartedly as I could, my voice obscured by the heavy rain pouring onto the roof.

He smiled, and it was one of the most heart-wrenchingly beautiful things I had ever seen. I think I might have given him one in return, though I couldn’t be too sure because the concept of smiling had become so foreign. The last time I was truly happy was… the last night we spent together. In each other’s arms, safe and warm and together.

And then he was gone. Just like that.

Cressida, whom I had only spoken to once in Thirteen when the war ended, was the one to tell me how it happened. Katniss was too personal, too close to him; Peeta’s instability rendered conversation futile. So, I had asked Cressida to tell me every detail—every expression on his face, every word he screamed. I don’t know why. Maybe it was so I could cling onto those last few minutes where he was still alive and breathing, despite dying and bleeding; or so I could replay the moment over and over in my head, as if somehow, someway, I could change his fate.

“He talked about you all the time,” she had told me. “Actually, I don’t think he ever spoke of anything but you. No one minded, though. While we were out there, no one ever really smiled, but every time your name was mentioned, Finnick would get this great big grin on his face, and it was impossible not to look at him and start smiling as well.

So, we all started asking questions about you: ‘What colour is her hair? Her eyes? Where did you meet? What are her hobbies?’—just to see him smile… A week passed, and it was like we all knew you inside out. It was all we could do to hang on to some shred of happiness, even if it meant talking about a girl who, to all of us, was a stranger.”

I was inconsolable after that.

She kept talking, but my sobs had drowned out most of her words, so much that I had asked her to retell me everything later in the day, despite inducing the same outcome. So, she told it to me again, just as she did the day after that and the day after that and so on until I returned home to District Four.

“He also spoke about how you never felt comfortable living in the Victors Village. He had this idea that the two of you would move somewhere far away, outside the borders of District Four­, though he emphasised remaining by the sea was very important—something about how you looked while swimming during sunset and the water was all sparkly around you.”

At this point, she had been holding my hand, knowing full well how debilitating it was for me to hear. Then she had spoken with a quiet incredulity and a facial expression to match, as though she’d never encountered a love like ours before. “He wanted to build a house for you…”

He wanted to build a house for you.

And now he never would. Our love was too ephemeral for that to happen; destined to remain history; to be a memory.

Finnick's eyes stared into mine, the green hue now a dark grey from the overshadowing dimness of the room.

“I would’ve gone anywhere with you,” I whispered to him, placing my hand on the sheets between us. “I would’ve travelled thousands of miles away from this place. Would’ve lived in solitary, just the two of us, for the rest of our lives.” A warm tear tickled the bridge of my nose. His eyebrows scrunched together in shared anguish. “God, Finn, I miss you,” my voice broke. “I miss you so much.”

I contemplated crying, sobbing, screaming, or begging for him to come back, but I was just too tired. All my energy had been spent on grievance throughout the following day, and my eyes were growing heavier by the second as my body was sinking further into a state of relaxation.

Between slow blinks, I watched Finnick’s large hand move to rest atop my own, and at that point, I knew sleep would soon catch me because I swear I could feel his warm touch.

Images flashed through my mind—incomprehensible and melting together, yet somehow still graspable.

Sky blue water rippling with calm waves, the surface glittering in the setting sun. A white stonewall cottage fronted by soft, white sand and tall palm trees. Two plates of fruit-filled yoghurt and scrambled eggs on toast. Three pairs of footprints in the sand, one larger, one smaller, and another between them so delicately tiny I could fit them into the palm of my hand.

Sea-green eyes above me. Golden hair tangled between my fingers. Finnick standing in the wooden doorway of our white stonewall cottage wearing a cream-white sweater and rolled-up slacks. Finnick grinning deeply and then throwing his head back with laughter. Finnick standing in front of our bed, taking my hand in his and guiding me towards him. Finnick. Finnick. Finnick. Finnick. Finnick.

Finnick holding our child.

I was between worlds now, both indistinguishable from the other. My eyelids were drooping, and I was quickly growing insensate. Just before my eyes closed completely, I saw Finnick’s—he who wasn’t really my Finnick—lips move. It wasn’t in my bleak reality in which I heard him speak, but rather in my mind, and God, did his words offer the sweetest relief.

“I’ll see you when you fall asleep.”

[nenelonomh]

cold shower routine

why take cold showers

increased endorphins: cold showers can help relieve symptoms of depression by stimulating electrical impulses in the brain. these impulses increase alertness, clarity, and energy levels, while also releasing endorphins—those “happiness hormones” that promote feelings of well-being and optimism.

improved metabolism: exposure to cold temperatures activates brown adipose tissue (brown fat; BAT), which plays a role in adult health. BAT is a type of body fat that plays a unique role in regulating body temperature. it produces thermal heat through a process called nonshivering thermogenesis. unlike white fat, which primarily stores energy, BAT actively burns calories and stores energy in a smaller space. when BAT burns, it creates heat without causing shivering. researchers believe that BAT could be a treatment for obesity and metabolic syndromes. although cold showers alone won’t lead to significant weight loss, they may contribute to increased metabolism over time. remember - BAT and white fat are parts of our physiology that contribute to our overall health.

enhanced circulation: cold water makes your circulatory system work more efficiently. some people even notice improved skin appearance due to better circulation. athletes have long used cold water for post-workout recovery.

what about alternating hot and cold showers?

alternating hot and cold showers can be invigorating and offer several benefits. the contrast between hot and cold stimulates blood flow, which can benefit your cardiovascular system.

cold exposure may enhance immune function. additionally, alternating temperatures can wake you up and increase alertness.

start with warm water: begin your shower with warm water. this helps relax your muscles and opens up pores.

gradual temperature changes: after a few minutes of warm water, gradually switch to cold water. aim for a comfortable but brisk temperature.

repeat the cycle: alternate between warm and cold water. you can do this 2-3 times during your shower.

what about hot showers?

muscle relaxation: warm water helps relax tense muscles and can provide relief from soreness or stiffness.

improved blood flow: hot showers dilate blood vessels, promoting better circulation. this can be especially beneficial for people with cold extremities.

stress relief: the warmth of a hot shower can soothe your mind and reduce stress. it’s a great way to unwind after a long day.

sinus congestion: steam from hot showers can help clear nasal passages and ease congestion.

while hot showers have their benefits, there are a few potential downsides to consider:

dry skin: hot water can strip your skin of natural oils, leading to dryness and irritation. if you have sensitive skin, lukewarm showers might be a better choice.

hair damage: frequent hot showers can weaken hair strands and make them more prone to breakage. cooler water is gentler on your hair.

blood pressure: hot showers can temporarily raise blood pressure due to vasodilation. if you have hypertension, it’s advisable to avoid extremely hot showers.

energy consumption: hot showers consume more energy, which can impact your utility bills and the environment.

here are some tips to protect your skin during hot showers:

limit shower time: keep your showers short to prevent excessive moisture loss. prolonged exposure to hot water can dehydrate your skin.

use mild cleansers: choose gentle, moisturizing body washes or soaps. harsh cleansers can further dry out your skin.

moisturize immediately: apply good-quality moisturizer after your shower while your skin is still damp. this helps lock in moisture.

avoid scrubbing vigorously: be gentle when using a loofah or washcloth. aggressive scrubbing can damage the skin barrier. instead of rubbing your skin with a towel, pat it gently to avoid friction and irritation.

what is a cold shower routine?

a cold shower routine that combines morning cold exposure and evening warmth can be beneficial. this morning/evening routine will allow you to maximise the benefits of both hot and cold showers.

to incorporate it into your daily routine, gradually work towards a 2-5 minute cold shower. focus on your breath while under the cold water. start by allowing the cold water to hit your chest, back, and extremities first. gradually immerse your head and face in the cold water.

take a warm (not boiling!) shower before bedtime to promote relaxation and improve sleep quality. maintain a relaxing routine, such as meditating or winding down, after your warm shower. ensure your bedroom is cool (around 65 degrees fahrenheit or 18 degrees celsius) for optimal sleep.

end notes

remember - both cold and warm showers have their benefits, so look to find a balance that suits your preferences and health needs. enjoy your refreshing showers!

i hope you enjoyed this post! ❤️ nene

[diejager]

how would the cod group react to someone who has medical conditions that affect them mildly but constantly throughout the day? Like, it’s very mild, but constantly there and noticeable

(Eds is a pain in the ass)

I don’t know what Ed was, but it gave me erectile dysfunction as a medical condition, or an eating disorder for mental disorder. I’m not sure which is which, so eh, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Parosmia Cw: I have no medical knowledge, this is all from google, mild medical condition, loss/distortion of smell and taste, triggering scents, tell me if I missed any.

You were transparent with your annoying condition, your documentation had it written down in medical conditions along with occasional tinnitus and sudden bouts of depression related to your distortion of scents. You’ve had some odours lose their potency, the fresh smell of cold aloe and cucumber dimming to a ghost of it’s freshness, and you’ve had scents that became too strong and nauseating, the usually delicious taste of steak became a nauseating rot and overpowering. 

Laswell had disclosed it to Price the day she showed him your file, letting him know that your nose might comprimiseyour operations if anything triggered it, but that, form experience from working with you, you knew how to deal with the disgust and urge to puke. She left him with out much convincing needed, because he’d seen you work once in a past mission in Siberia, a clandestine OP that had him sweating despite the freezing tempature and you hadn’t batted an eye at the attrocious rotting of dead elks and wolves near the base. He let the others know and reassured them that it wouldn’t compromise the mission if it were triggered. Gaz and Soap were more enthusiastic about having you, a little excited of having another teammate to act out with or to prank, and Ghost was more apprehensive and careful about introducing a new operation, but he’d turn around —eventually.

And he did, Ghost was the most careful around you, making sure that his musk and sweat was too strong to your nose, he watched out for any triggering odours and made sure to memorise all your triggers. He might not know how it felt, but he could only sympathise, trying his best to relieve your annoyance and stop anything from happening if he knew how to. It surprised Price how fast Ghost had opened up to you, to your snark and snide replies and heart-stopping grins. 

Fortunately, your parosmia was mild, a constant annoyance, but it was milder than the headaches Price had every night. He might not have as much time as the others to spend with you, but whenever he had the time, he would join your ragtag group for a drink in your room rather than the bar when he learned that the smell of oily and oversaturated fries and burgers had your head pulsing and throat clog up. He never brought up the need to go at a bar, he didn’t mind buying bottles and hide them in his office until the moment came for a night drink with his Task Force. 

Suprisingly, Gaz was understanding, quick to drop something to help you if you had a moment. Gaz would help you lean over the toilet seat, his hand running down your back in a soothing pattern, encouraging you to let it out and praising you for being strong. He helped you to your feet, knees weak and still a bit nauseous, and cleaned your face with a wet towel and handed you a cup to rinse your mouth before he lead you to your room, seated on your bed and helping you sleep it off. Gaz was a softer shoulder to lean on, confident in his care and unworried about being caught cuddling with you.

And Soap, oh ignorant Johnny, was confused at first, he made mistakes here and there, but he’s smart and resourceful. He might’ve been confused, but he made up for it, coming up with the weirdest and most amusing way to help you around base. He was as obnoxious about it as he was shamelessly showering you with affection, hanging off your shoulder and babbling your ears off while he wafted a scented near you that he learned was relaxing and comfortably soft for your olfactory nerves. 

They were surprisingly welcoming and went out of their way to make you comfortable in all and every form, you were honestly happy about it, even if you happened to annoy Ghost with your back talk as much as you did with Price, only encouraging and being encouraged by the younger men of the group.

Taglist: @sae1kie @yeoldedumbslut @bvxygriimes @distracteddragoness @konigsblog @im-making-an-effort @daisychainsinknots @0alk0msan @danielle143 @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @notspiders @brokenpieces-72 @petwifed @randominstake @cassiecasluciluce @hayleybarnesx @shironasumi @sparky--bunny @bloobewy @infpt-zylith @sweetnanah @aldis-nuts

[angstyandromanticwriting]

Regina George X Fem!Reader Angsty, Cute, and Fluffy Prompt [Sneak-Peek]

• Takes place after the occurrence of the film [2024 ver. with Reneé Rapp]

• Some mild changes made to some elements of the story

• The prompt will be dropping in its entirety on Saturday + There will be more!

• This is another new idea, but does not impact the other ideas I am already writing for!

!TW: Being stuck in a toxic relationship, insult(s), mention of previously being kidnapped, implied suffering from PTSD + Depression + Separation Anxiety + Anxiety in general, mention of previously being abused + injury detail - If I’ve missed any, please let me know ❤️!

Birds’ Eye View/Heart’s Desire

“Are you done, or-?” You inquired, raising your eyebrows, after Regina threw another line of insults at you; you’d told her to rant, seeing she needed it, but…

“No,” she answered, without hesitation, even though she appeared a little exasperated, wincing, before she looked away from you, and sighed heavily, knowing she shouldn’t get you involved with all that was currently frustrating her following her recent arguments with her boyfriend, Shane Olman, especially when you didn’t even know him, and hadn’t ever talked to him, only a recent student at Northshore High School, managing to take on Senior Year after you’d been expelled from your last school. “Yes,” she added, barely audibly, and you would appear surprised, not expecting such an answer from her as you tilted your head partially, a pained as well as skeptical expression on your face; you didn’t want her to feel as if she couldn’t talk to you about all that was burdening her the way you feared she did, hoping against hope - however - at the same time, that she had instead managed to clear her mind a little, until she crumpled, and looked up at you again with a hurt look on her face before she said ‘no’, her voice softer than you’d ever heard it before. “N-No, I’m not, I-.. I’m-..” She shrugged, before awkwardly bowing her head, and you would nod gravely, smiling sadly over at her, before you timidly inched closer to her to gently squeeze her shoulder, prompting her to express relief, her heart skipping a beat, before she glanced up at you again, and felt strong enough to continue just by having her gaze lock with your own in the best way possible. “I hate you,” she spat, her gaze never leaving your’s, whilst you couldn’t help, but smirk in her direction, amused though you knew you shouldn’t be, but it didn’t stop your heart from aching as you wondered who had hurt her the way you could tell that they had, before she’d come back to your Uncle’s ranch with you. “Y-You stink, and I hope an air conditioner falls on you,” she added sharply, clearly through gritted teeth, whilst you appeared taken aback - of all things you thought she might say, that was one of the least you’d been expecting to hear, but it still made you have to fight back a giggle regardless of how it had shocked you, at first, “okay.” She drew in another shallow breath, before releasing it through her nose like you’d told her to, just to try and calm her down when she’d almost broken one of the mucking up shovels you and her had been using to tidy up the horses’ stalls here. “Okay, I - I think I’m-.. I think I’m done, now,” she stated, and you would almost feel disappointed, though at the same time of course you were relieved to know that she seemed at least somewhat relieved, now that she’d slung out yet another insult in your direction, though she wasn’t directing anything of what she meant toward you; she couldn’t.

The thought startled her, just for a moment, as she winced again, and forced a smile in your direction, trying to hide that such a small thing had flustered her the way nothing else ever had before.

“That’s good,” you stated, and she would hesitate, before nodding, and smiling softly over at you, this time the smile was genuine; it was hard not to allow the corners of her lips to curve upward whenever she was around you, “that’s always good - so-.. are you ready to talk about it, now?”

She would appear taken aback by your question, her smile faltering a little, before she awkwardly cleared her throat, and nodded slowly, though you could tell she was reluctant to discuss what had been happening between her and Shane recently.

“I guess,” she answered, and you would smile warmly back at her, glad that she felt able to talk about such things with you - it even made you feel a little warm and fuzzy inside, like a sense of pride was washing over you in response to your hope that she seemed to trust you, just as much as you trusted her, and somehow had ever since you’d first met her that day; the day she’d first been sent here by her mother to distract her, and take her mind off of the tense situation between her and Shane, before you’d even started at Northshore High. “But - if we’re gonna talk about it,” she began again, and you would tense up for a moment, wondering what she might be about to say, next; you were always terrified that maybe something bad would happen - that maybe she would up, and abandon you, though you couldn’t imagine why. You always put such dread up to how you’d been kidnapped, and abused the way you and, a few years ago now; you were quite young when it happened, and the nights you’d spent screaming and crying had never left your mind, especially not at night, where your nightmares were at their most vivid moments. For a moment, you remembered your kidnapper coming in to kick at your side for how you’d tried to call your home, after successfully sneaking out of his basement, but that wasn’t the worst of the punishment; he spent every night after that breaking each and every one of your fingers, and he would have moved onto your wrist, or toes, if the police didn’t locate you when they did. You winced at the memory, but you wouldn’t let her see the pain in your eyes as you bowed your head, before she could lock eyes with you again, making her heart sink a little as soon as she realised she wouldn’t be able to lock eyes with you again, if you didn’t lift your head the way you had, before, trying to act as if you were distracted by the next pile of dung you were shovelling up at your feet. “Can we do it whilst we’re mucking up, l-like we are, now?” You appeared taken aback again by her request, forgetting your previous thought as you looked up at her again, forgetting how to breathe for a moment whilst she silently admired your eyes without even realising that she was, trying to tell herself that it was just because it made sense to make eye contact right now, rather than glance down at your lips, or just down at the ground when you were both in the middle of a conversation the way that you were, or had been, now.

You appeared skeptical again, once you’d recomposed yourself, and could finally breathe again, as soon as you remembered how your lungs were supposed to work, ever since you’d been born a few years ago, now.

“I don’t know,” you answered warily, prompting her heart to sink, and eyes to darken a little; it made something ache within her for a reason unbeknownst to her to see that you still didn’t seem to trust her with the shovel, but she guessed she understood after she’d been wielding it the way she had earlier, wanting to either break it or smack someone over the head with it whilst she’d been thinking about her and Shane’s recent argument. It was seeing the hurt on her face - even if it were only there for a moment - that made your heart cave in, as you - without hesitation - took up her shovel, before holding it out to her, and forgetting how to breathe all over again as you waited for her to take it from you. “Here, of - of course we can,” you reassured her gently, a little breathlessly, but you tried to hide that you couldn’t breathe as you tried not to watch her hand as it inched closer to your own, before she accepted the shovel from you, and couldn’t help, but allow the pinky finger of her left hand to brush against the back of your own, prompting your heart to stutter, and you to tense up again as a makeshift spurt of electricity seemed to run down your arm - something you’d never felt before. You wondered if she felt it too, noticing the dazed expression on her face, making your cheeks heat up as you hastily looked away from her again, though you longed to keep your eyes focused on her, and only her, despite your not knowing why you’d even had such a reaction to her skin touching your own the way it had, for a split second.

“Thank you,” she replied, once she’d been able to find her voice again as she smiled timidly down at the ground beneath her, “that was-.. really brave of you, considering.”

You lifted your eyebrows again as you glanced over at her, confused by her praise, but still you couldn’t keep the smile from your face as your eyes glinted a little over at her, prompting her heart to skip a beat again as soon as she felt your eyes upon her, encouraging her more than enough to glance up at you again, her eyes not hesitating to lock with your own as you both faltered in place for a moment, staring over at each other as if nobody else existed anymore, besides you two, right here, right now.

It took her more strength than it ever had before to stay stood where she was, seeing herself in another universe inching closer to you, whilst she lifted her right hand up to your left cheek, only making her heart begin to pound a little as you warily glanced over at her, your heart skipping a beat, almost as if you were picturing the same thing as she was, hardly breathing, just like she was, stood before you, before her eyes darkened, and she awkwardly cleared her throat again to break herself from her previous daze, as well as you from your own as you silently cursed yourself, before digging up at the muck again to try and clear your head somehow, only to fail miserably as soon as you felt her hand upon your shoulder.

“Reg-” You spluttered out, before you even knew her name was slipping from your lips, but before you could continue, she pressed on, determined to show you that she meant everything she told you, whilst she knew you silently doubted some things about yourself, though you’d not even told her her about what had happened to you, when you were younger, and felt more hopeless than you ever had before.

“I meant it,” she cooed, gently squeezing your shoulder as you timidly glanced up at her, wishing you could breathe normally again, whilst at the same time you were terrified of losing the way she made you feel, whenever she was with you the way she was, now, “you’re the bravest girl I know.”

You tried not to shudder, your eyes threatening to fill with tears as a lump began to form within your throat, only making it harder for you to not break down in front of her as you forced a shaky smile in her direction, before bowing your head again as soon as small tears began to form within your eyes.

“Bravest, huh?” You mused, and she nodded hastily, not hesitating at all because she meant every word, and knew she always would. Being hit by a bus the way she had last year had made her feel different; more grateful, of everything, as well as everyone, around her - for a split second, whilst she was unconscious, she swore her life had flashed before her eyes, and it made her feel guilty for almost everything she’d ever done - well, everything, until now.

“You - mean a heck of a lot to me,” she expressed, and you would appear taken aback again, your heart skipping a beat, before you glanced up at her again, and wondered why your heart felt as if it were being squeezed even though at the same time it felt as if it were currently soaring with every word she shared with you, and you’d reacted in similar ways ever since you’d first met her, and began to feel alive whenever she was with you the way that she was, now, “you always have, e-ever since I-.. y’know, got to actually know you, and talk to you, and that’ll never change, I promise - you know that, right?”

“I know,” you reassured her, your voice briefly trembling, prompting her heart to squeeze alongside your own as she frowned, and carefully eased you into a hug whilst you melted into her embrace, and wouldn’t hesitate to return it as you buried your face into her left shoulder, feeling safer than you ever had before as you subconsciously drowned within her sweet scent in the best way possible.

“Good,” she returned gently, “I’m glad.” You both fell quiet for a moment as you tried to recompose yourselves, before she held you at arms length blissfully, her eyes glinting alongside your own. “So,” she chimed, and you couldn’t help, but giggle softly whilst you carefully brushed away any remaining tears, “should we continue mucking, or-?”

You smiled warmly at her, before nodding, and taking up your shovel again, as if she hadn’t had you almost breaking down completely within her arms a brief moment ago.

“I’d love to,” you replied, brighter than she’d ever heard you before, prompting her heart to jump alongside your own as she smiled sheepishly back at you, evidently glad to see that you were happy again, now that she’d admitted to you that you were more than what you thought you were to her, before, “as long as you’re still up to talking about whatever you wanna talk about, as we go?”

She tensed up again, remembering Shane, and the fight he and her had had, earlier today, and for a moment you regretted more than anything bringing up the situation, until she smiled reassuringly over at you again, and nodded, before taking your free hand within her own to soothe you even more, indirectly making your heart pound faster than it ever had before as you tried not to glance down at her fingers intertwined with your own, whilst also silently praying that she couldn’t hear what was currently going on within your chest.

“Always,” she answered, and you would express relief, your expression softening, before you glanced down at the ground again, your cheeks heating up even more than they ever had before, “but before that - where should we start?”

~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed it, and are looking forward to the dropping of the full version! ❤️

[literaryvein-reblogs]

Writing Notes: Caffeine

Caffeine - A mild alkaloid stimulant made by some plants.

Found in coffee beans, tea leaves, and cocoa beans; added to soft drinks, energy drinks, and energy bars; and sold in capsules and tablets as a dietary supplement.

A mild stimulant. It is used to temporarily relieve fatigue and increase mental alertness. Caffeine is added to some antihistamine drugs to help counteract the sleepiness they may cause. It is also added to over-the-counter headache remedies (e.g., Excedrin) and migraine headache drugs to enhance their painkilling effects. Under medical supervision, citrated caffeine (a prescription drug) is used to treat breathing problems in premature infants.

From the Italian word cafée, meaning "coffee", is naturally made by about 60 plants. The most familiar of these are coffee leaves and beans, tea leaves, kola nuts, yerba mate, guarana berries, and cacao (the source of chocolate). In plants, caffeine is a pesticide. Insects eating plants that contain caffeine become disabled or die.

It has no nutritional value. But there seem to be some benefits to regular caffeine consumption, despite conflicting research.

Effects on the Body

Increases heart rate

Temporarily increases blood pressure

Relaxes smooth muscle cells in the airways

Releases fatty acids and glycerol in the body for energy use

Easily crosses the blood-brain barrier and changes the level of neurotransmitters in the brain

Passes into breast milk

Caffeine is absorbed in the stomach.

Its effects are noticeable in about 15 minutes and usually last several hours.

However, there is a huge variation among people both in their sensitivity to caffeine and in how long it stays in their bodies.

Although the average time it takes half a dose of caffeine to be eliminated from the body is 3-4 hours, this time may extend to 6 hours in women taking oral contraceptives; much longer in pregnant women and in people with liver damage.

Many well-designed, well-documented studies show that caffeine makes people more alert, improves short-term memory, enhances the ability to concentrate, increases the individual’s capacity for physical work, and speeds up reaction time.

In habitual caffeine drinkers, caffeine achieves this by preventing the detrimental effects of withdrawal.

It does not boost functioning to above normal levels.

All of these effects are temporary.

Caffeine does not replace the need for rest or sleep.

Caffeine Withdrawal

Discontinuing caffeine among regular users can cause withdrawal symptoms. These can include:

Headaches (very common)

Irritability

Nausea

Fatigue

Sleepiness

Inability to concentrate

Mild depression

Caffeine withdrawal symptoms begin 12–24 hours after caffeine is stopped.

Withdrawal symptoms peak at around 48 hours, and can last up to 5 days.

Tapering caffeine use, for example cutting down on caffeine by the equivalent of half a cup of coffee (about 50 mg) a day, minimizes or eliminates withdrawal symptoms.

Caffeinism

People who consume more than 500 mg of caffeine a day—equivalent to about five cups of coffee—may develop a condition called caffeinism, though the threshold varies among individuals.

Produces unpleasant sensations, some of which are similar to withdrawal symptoms. Symptoms of Caffeine Overuse include:

Restlessness

Irritability

Nervousness

Anxiety

Muscle twitching

Headaches

Inability to fall asleep

A racing heart

Related Disorders

Severe overuse of caffeine can cause a number of related disorders, including:

Caffeine Intoxication—usually the result of taking caffeine pills (e.g., NoDoz), this condition causes mental changes, rambling thoughts and speech, irregular heartbeat, and other symptoms associated with overuse. In severe cases death can result from ventricular fibrillation (unsynchronized contractions of the ventricle of the heart).

Caffeine-Induced Anxiety Disorder—severe anxiety that interferes with daily social interactions and occurs after caffeine intoxication or heavy long-term use of caffeine.

Caffeine-Induced Sleep Disorder—an inability to sleep that is so great it requires medical/psychiatric attention and occurs after prolonged caffeine consumption.

Non-Specific Caffeine-Induced Disorder—disorders not listed that are attributable to either acute or long-term caffeine consumption.

Source ⚜ More: Writing Notes & References ⚜ Describing Food ⚜ Cocktails

[fairytsuk1]

cupid's arrow | (s)

apart of the meet cute: gone wrong series, click here for more!

pairing: izuku midoriya x reader

words: 8.3k

prompt: "getting set up by their lovely grandmas, who always go to the same café and gush about their grandkids"

warnings: teasing game, public sex, quickie, protected sex, tit play, praise kink, missionary position, soft dom!midoriya

The retirement home was an amalgamation of both good and evil. It had the finest foods for delicate denture havers and was home to some of life’s more depressing thought processes. You preferred being able to drive over the speed limit as the city air lashed at your face; being young and carefree was much more appealing. However, this couldn’t be your reality anymore as you knew your grandmother needed you more than ever. Things were about to change. You’d be moving onto bigger steps in your life! Finding a partner, making a home together, advancing in your career…

Before leaving for the retirement home, you hoped you’d be walking out of there glimmering with adjusting to adulthood. No games or silly adventures, a part of you lit up at the idea of this summer excursion changing your life. You really, really hoped it would.

You smooth your tennis skirt over your thighs, ankles crossing and a warm smile gracing your features when your grandmother waltz in with house slippers and an old tea set. The smell of earthy leaves wafts into your nose, and you already know she’s made two steaming cups of green tea before she pours it.

“Nana, you know you don’t have to make anything when I visit,” you’d figured she’d stop making cookies past your twelfth birthday, but she clearly planned to wave you off every single time.

Snarkily, your grandmother rolls her eyes and takes a slurping sip of her tea.

“It’s not about that. It’s about keeping ancient traditions! We’re family, and that means grandmothers make their grandchildren tea!”

She nods, pleased with herself, and her eyes are closed as she savors the grass notes, the feeling of toastiness, and the mild sweetness. Your eyebrows twitch, and you miss how she does the same once she’s placed her cup back down.

“Mhm, it’s very good, did you taste the grass?” you swallow and nod, “yes, me too. So… Have you found a boyfriend yet?”

You’re in the process of drinking more tea but her comment startles you; the cup is hastily set back on the coffee table and leaving a liquid trail in its wake. Practically spitting out your tea, you’re quick to wipe your mouth with a napkin and set the record straight.

“Huh?! Where is that coming from? …I don’t, but why are you asking, nana?”

She’s got this unreadable look on her face. Then, she’s giving you this cheeky grin and sighing wistfully as if thinking of a past lover. You’re curling your fingers into your palms, nearly shaking in anticipation as her hands rub together sneakily.

“It’s my friend’s grandson! You know me. Always talking, but if I were you, I’d snatch him right up! He’s strong, and he’s got bright green eyes! They’d compliment yours so well,” and she’s scooting forward in her seat, “you will like him! He’s a very nice boy.”

Nana’s been gossiping again. You’re relieved she wasn’t trying to reconnect you and former lovers (an activity that had proven to be unsuccessful, twice.) Still, the idea of her pitching you to random strangers like an ATM card makes your face twist in an attempt to tell her how you really feel.

“I-I don’t know, nana. I’m not even sure if I’m looking for anything right now,” and you were right. 

A relationship seemed like a huge step, and this was supposed to be your summer “boss up” phase. To be honest, you weren’t sure if you had trust in your grandma’s romantic instincts for matchmaking either. A wrinkled hand covers yours, and your nana is beaming with her body leaned towards you.

“Tell you what, he will be here for breakfast tomorrow morning. You don’t have to do much, but you should see him in person! Get to know him a little.”

You let the offer hang in the air for a moment before shrugging.

“...I guess I can do that. I don’t want this to become an everyday thing, though! I came here to spend time with you, nana. Not with some guy!”

Nana had already returned to sipping her tea and nodded before licking her lips.

“Of course, dear. However, if you like this Midoriya as much as I think you will, you’ll end up regretting saying that!”

You take a sip, and two pairs of eyebrows raise. You doubted it. This “Midoriya” person was probably some nerdy guy that didn’t know how to talk to girls. It didn’t matter anyways, so on that fateful day you brushed mascara on thick lashes and made sure your lips looked as plump as ever in your pink lip gloss. You weren’t trying to impress anyone, not at all!

Something in your gut had just told you to make an effort, but it was hard to tell whether this gut feeling was good or bad.

The situation had proven that you needed to take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror. He wasn’t ugly, no. He was anything but. He was so handsome that as you and your grandmother circled the table to sit, your foot caught on the leg of the table. Practically every brain cell had been focused on the promise of muscles under his white button-up plus the extra show of solid, veiny forearms. He was hot.

“This is my friend, Kotoe! And this is her grandson, Izuku Midoriya! He’s the one I brought up to you last night,” and for the first time, you’re aware of how red Midoriya looks; maybe he was thinking the same things about you.

Kotoe grins widely, and the wave crashes on you and Midoriya because the embarrassment of the situation keeps getting worse. First, the table. Then, he’s watching you as you settle yourself across from him. This feels more like you’re being judged than trying to link up with someone.

“You remember her, right? I showed you that picture of her at that one band performance.”

Your pride is fatally wounded, but you’re even more aghast that one of the cutest boys you’ve ever seen is actually seeing you for the second time. The idea that Midoriya’s first impression was of you with braces and frizzy hair left you feeling like you could melt into your seat effortlessly.

Nana guiltily peruses the menu, but you know there’s no one else that has that picture. You’d tried to erase every copy of it but… she had her ways.

“Nana.”

She grins sheepishly while fluffing her curls, “it’s not my fault your mother only sends me photos when she feels like it. You look cute in the photo!”

If you didn’t stop her now, maybe nothing could. Along with this setting not seeming like the right time to discuss the ins and outs of your family relationships, you turn to Midoriya and smile warmly. 

“Right. Well, Midoriya, it’s nice to meet you. You’re lucky you were spared from the dreaded band photo. I’m jealous,” with a hair flip for good measure.

She’s so cute, he thinks.

“If only you could have the same fate.”

It’s so boyish, so ridiculous, and it makes your heart-beat rabbit fast because it’s not fair that his voice is gentle yet had an edge to it. His smile and even the licking of lips were uncalled for. He was charming you way too easily. How long had you two been sitting here again? 

He’s tuning you like a fiddle to his chosen song, and you play beautifully. You need fresh air, so your cup of water is gulped down to curb the romantic-tension fever rising inside you. 

Your grandmother and Kotoe fall into conversation like it’s natural. Midoriya keeps taking tentative glances at you but looking away before something productive happens, so you begin to copy him; now you just feel like you’re in the hall of mirrors.

“So, Midoriya… Do you go to university?”

“I-I do! I’m an archaeology major with a minor in history! It’s a lot of nerdy stuff, but it’s more interesting than calculus!”

His eyes sparkle at the topic, and the passion leaking through his words is evident. It’s cute, and your cheeks lift without thinking about it. He’s infectious, and in a bad way.

The type of infection where every glance feels like slow motion, and your brain skips ahead to when his mouth is on yours, and his hands are tugging, pulling, squeezing…

“That’s really cool! I’ve never heard of someone majoring in something like that! I’m doing public administration; it’s like political science but not really.”

Midoriya can’t wait to dig his hands into you and bury his cock deep inside you, but he can’t think about that right now. He mentally files away the memories of your shy looks so he can wrap a fist around himself in the shower later as he thinks of ruining your tight little pussy.

“No, yeah, that’s brave stuff to do! That can be in any sector, right? Public, private, and all of that.”

Both brains come to rest on the same wavelength as the same thought swirls in and out of two opposite gender heads.

I wanna fuck you.

“Yeah! Yeah, it can be,” your legs cross to lessen the pulsing between your legs.

“I kind of get it! History is so broad that it throws people off a bit,” Midoriya presses a palm to his aching cock as discreetly as possible.

The two of you try to avoid letting your need spill over past inappropriate boundaries. You both don’t realize that notion was abandoned the second first eye contact was made. Lunch passes by quickly, and you’re thankful. That was a bit too tense, and your male counterpart seems to be exhausted from the mental energy of ignoring something so potent. So heady.

“That nasty little Annie is going to supervise my cycling class, so I’m going to the pool today! You should come with me; you’ll never believe what she did the other day when I was struggling with my nightgown….”

Kotoe leads your four person group to the elevators, but your nana tells her she likes to walk after breakfast, so you mourn the loss of Midoriya as nonchalantly as possible. A big ego was annoying, and he didn’t need to know that you were dying to see under his pants. Honestly, even just getting to talk alone would be nice. 

“Well, Kotoe, I’ll meet you back at the pool after my nap.”

Your grandmother silently gives you a look that tells you everything you need to know about the pool situation.

Get your swimsuit!

It’s not too hot out that when you take a step the ground pierces your foot with its heat. The sun is shining just enough to cast a warm, soft glow on honeyed skin; it’s making you look too good, you feared. What if Midoriya was a nervous guy? Your ego shoots to the sky as you secure your jewelry and make your way to the pool with your nana.

Midoriya thought he might’ve had you beat, that maybe he’d get the edge in the game you two were playing where you’d feel more flushed than him. He certainly played a good hand, muscles rippling in black swim shorts highlighting his lean body. Freckles dotted his skin, and he felt embarrassed at ogling himself in the mirror.

“Kotoeee! I love your bathing suit; where’d you get the damn thing?!”

Nana runs off quickly, having debriefed you in the elevator that she intended to leave you and Midoriya “to it.” You’d vehemently denied the allegations of something like this happening, but there was a decent chance with how you and him were looking at each other that her suspicions were correct.

Your stuff is set by the chatty old ladies, and Midoriya takes the time to sidle up close to you. Squinting at him, he really does look good up close.

“Hi.”

“Hey. Do you want to swim with me?”

“What are we, five?”

He laughs lightly, shrugging and rubbing at the nape of his neck.

“Well, it’s not like there’s anything else to do! Not here, anyways,” and you feel your cheek twitch with the urge to smile.

He’s… saucy. And maybe you like it, a lot.

“If you say it like that, you can admit that no other girls wanna swim with you,” and he scoffs playfully at you before standing up, “but sure, I’ll hop in for a bit.”

The two of you make your way to the water. Midoriya gets in first, and he extends an arm to help you in like a proper gentleman.

“Are you always this kind?”

“I’m just on my best behavior,” and he grins like a shark.

Water swishes around you two, droplets hiding each other’s best features like a love potion. The grannies are still talking, and there are splashes from other patrons using the facility. Nothing can happen now, even if you want to jump his bones badly.

“I think the class starts soon, the water weights one?”

“What even is that class? What’s the point?”

Midoriya circles like you’re dancing, so you bat your eyes lashes and take a thumb to your lip. It makes him laugh, and you suddenly feel yourself dropping the act.

“No, no, I like it! And it’s, uhm, they lift weights to strengthen their bones! But it’s easier on their joints. My Obaasan also likes getting some fresh air,” he flicks his hair back, and the water rolls down his skin seamlessly, “maybe we could do something on our own.”

Raunchy daydreams smack you in the face; he could fuck you here. He could bend you over the water edge, eat your pussy and make you cream right in the pool chair just feet away! Maybe he’s sucking on your clit, pulling on your nipple, or maybe he’d rock his cock deep into you just because you begged for it!

“Yeah,” his eyes trace the soft edges of your curves, and you feel so high on feeling desired, “where could we go?”

Your question is interrupted with a loud, unfortunate, shrieky exclaim of, “Midoriya!” that shakes both you and the man in question enough to cause ripples in the water. Two heads turn towards the pair of grannies, now suited up in swimsuits that go to their knobby knees, plus bulky goggles.

“Go check for some floaties in the back room, please! I might really need them this time!”

Midoriya doesn’t even make a face but nods in understanding before turning guiltily to you, “...I guess I’ll be right back?”

This seems like a set-up. Back room? For floaties? Midoriya doesn’t seem to have picked up that this is the moment, but you have.

“Well, why don’t I just come with you?”

The grandmothers have gone back to their own personal conversation (gossiping), so you assume it’s okay. Midoriya gives a tentative look to Kotoe, before looking you back in your eyes and nodding. Ah, now he gets it.

You both are giddy as soaking wet bodies slip out of the pool easily and pad like excited puppies down to the deserted storage closet. Midoriya lets you duck in first, flip-flops clacking against the pavement as you flick on the dim lights and wait for the show to begin. Then, the green-haired boy eagerly locks the door and turns to look at you with lustful eyes.

“So!”

“You know, this is extremely typical, right?”

He grows closer as if wanting to slowly overpower you with every step. You remain firm in your pink flip-flops.

“Even if it is typical, I can’t help but feel lucky,” and he oozes attractiveness.

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. How often do you get to kiss a pretty girl?”

Maybe it’s the sparkle in his eyes or how he bounces on the balls of his feet. 

“Mmph!—”

The two of you crash into each other, your hands flying to tangle in his unique tresses, and you can almost hear the “SMOOCH!” sound as the two of you have your first heated kiss; breaking the ice-cold layer of tension. The kiss was groundbreaking, earth-shattering, and your foreheads dipped and pressed together as you heaved for breaths.

Your first kiss with him.

It’s practically perfect, and it's ending could be considered admirable because it was so cliche. Someone had called out towards the storage closet, and the two of you ran out of there like the guilty criminals you were. The thrill kept you moving like a wild animal. You loved it; the two of you loved it.

That memory didn’t leave you, not when you parted ways or thought about keeping your lips as they were so you wouldn’t forget that you’d kissed him. Maybe you were too into a fling, a fleeting romance, but having someone you could call yours felt fulfilling. Whatever happened to moving on with life?

No, you’d changed your mind. Who cared about doing career things in an old folks home? You could do that any time, good dick doesn’t always come around.

Adrenaline was still thrumming in your veins as you kept going about your day as if the feeling of his soft lips on yours wasn’t being replayed every ten seconds; it was so perfectly taboo and hot. You wondered if he was thinking the same things, maybe taking a hand and palming his half-chub in his swim shorts because he just couldn’t hold back and wait anymore.

The two of you shared looks for the rest of the swim class as you leisurely tanned your golden skin while Midoriya lounged around (fetching equipment as needed.) His new “job” grew quickly on you, the ability to get an eyeful of strained muscles and bulging thighs that jogged ’round and ’round the pool like a carousel felt like a reward.

Your grandmother draws you close with a hand motion, bony fingers clasped to the ledge as you draw closer, “oh good, you heard me! Could you bring me my bag? I left it in the locker room!”

“Sure thing, I’ll only be a sec!”

Quickly, you head towards the women’s locker room and spot the flowered print pool bag. You snatch it up and make your way back, feet slowing their speed, when you see an unfamiliar face sticking out like a sore thumb.

She was pretty, blonde, with a thin neck that made you envy her allure from where you stood. Not only that, but definitely flirting with a resting Midoriya.

“Here, nana…”

“Thank you! What are you looking at—” your grandmother makes the same frowning expression as you, “oh, right. She’s getting in between you and your future husband, you know! She just waltzed on over like she owned the place, and he fell for it, hook, line, and sinker! Don’t tell Kotoe, but you ought to…”

Her rambling goes muffled and indiscernible, and you feel your hand clench at your side. You stormed over to the spot without even considering the consequences and grinned widely. She gives you a skeptical eye before batting curled lashes towards Midoriya.

“So, what were you saying about working out together?”

Nervous green eyes flick to yours, gauging your level of emotion from the deep recesses of your eyes. Midoriya can’t see anything. In fact, it’s more like you’re looking through him as he sputters his way through an excuse of being “really busy, so maybe we should wait till we make actual plans!”

He was good, and maybe it was the fact he was the first attractive boy you’d seen in the several weeks of being with your grandmother. Maybe it was the fact you hadn’t been properly fucked in a minute, so you were a loose screw about to make everything fall apart.

‘I see,” and you shrug at him, “we should wait till we make actual plans too! You know, just so we can be sure.”

Then, you prissily walk off, determined to not seem shaken by the seeming turn of events being that IZUKU MIDORIYA was a man-whore, one hundred percent. He just wanted to rile you up, and two could most certainly play at that game. You’d just have to show him what he was missing out on, all because he wasn’t too sure he wanted you. You’d make him sure.

He’d kissed you for god’s sake! You fumed alone in the elevator, grumbling things no one would ever hear.

The plan had worked spectacularly. There was no way Midoriya was actually going to go for the blonde that seemed eager to be alone with him now that the swimming class was over. Sure, he’d smooth-talked her, but it was all for you. He could tell that there was something you were hiding from him in all your shy looks and glossy lips.

“Was that your girlfriend? She looked rude,” Ayaka grinned wildly, “she’s not right?”

“It doesn’t really matter what she is,” and he stands gingerly, all shy and nervous, “I-I have to go now!”

Ayaka tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, and her arms push her breasts up obscenely.

“You really gotta go?”

The awkwardness is back, and it seemed that the boy could only be flirty when it came to you. Now, he was a fish out of water flopping around on the deck.

“Yup! I’ll see you later, or whatever!”

He’d finally figured it out, aside from the awkwardness of forcing jealousy within you. You were a brat! He couldn’t wait to see how this developed, the greedy part of him hoping you’d make another move because he wanted to see you again. Badly.

“...Bye!”

You didn’t leave his mind, and he wondered what the two of you could do together. Did you like ice cream? Games? Yeah, sometimes he thought with his dick but other times… Well, you were the exact type of girl he’d love to take out.

He had no idea that as part of your newly created plan… you planned to kiss Hitoshi Shinsou right in front of him.

-

Shinsou was calm, collected, and rarely ever smiled. You hadn’t been lying when you’d said that boys like Midoriya were few and far between, so you’d already recognized potential suitors (meaning you’d told your best friends, in ranked form, the cutest boys at the UA Retirement Home.)

You’d decided Shinsou was one of the cuter ones considering you didn’t see him all the time. His face was pleasant to look at whenever you saw him working his shift, and he was plopped at the desk today with no one around… it seemed like today would be the day.

You and Midoriya hadn’t spoken in two days since you last saw him potentially entertaining the advances of some blonde girl. You weren’t stupid, after the heat of the moment and going over the situation one more time, it was clear. He wanted to tease you, make you feel the fire burning inside you grow hotter and hotter.

“Hey, Shinsou!” 

It was time to get him back in a major way. You push your torso an inch or two across the desk to smile at the purple-haired boy and let your head fall to the side. It was unclear whether or not it was actually having an effect, but you trekked along.

“Morning, what are you doing here?”

He already looks closed off, and you’re hoping he doesn’t hate you by the end of this.

“I just wanted to say hi! A girl can’t just hang out by the front desk?”

“No, actually,” his finger taps a sticker on the glass barrier between you, an obnoxious sticker reading “NO LOITERING” sitting there to mock you, “there is. See?”

…

“Oh! Well, I mean, well,” you look around frantically, the heat of embarrassment crippling you to where you stood.

“Look, if you just tell me, then maybe I can–” and the two of you are yelping as you push past the swinging door that separates Shinsou from other residents, “what the hell?! What are you doing?”

It suddenly feels like a huge mistake, and if you could swallow your anxieties, maybe this would’ve gone over easier. The position you two are in now, it feels warm. Steamy. His eye bags are less prominent when he’s slouched beneath you in his desk chair. Slender legs manspreading, and you could easily settle yourself on top of him if you felt like getting it on from behind the front desk.

“I just wanted… to see what it all looks like from behind here! Very, very nice. Did your boss get you that mug?”

“You need to leave,” and he sighs, but every action is gentle as he takes your arm, “what’s making you act so weird?”

Had anyone else been watching, they would have assumed the two of you were up to pure shenanigans. Midoriya yawns, eyes sleepy from his daytime nap as he trods towards the eating hall to peruse the options.

Midoriya hoped you weren’t genuinely upset about anything. Considering your demeanor and attitude, it seemed like something you would’ve liked, would’ve wanted. Maybe he went too far; it agonized him to think about it.

“Please, Shinsou! Don’t kick me out,” you’re grappling with his limbs, and you try to stand firmly, “you can’t treat a guest like this! I’ll make a scene!”

“You caused the scene!” 

The commotion is growing louder, making the green-haired boy’s head tilt because the voices sound too familiar. His feet turn right, heading towards the hall's entrance, and it’s unmistakable that you had been the feminine voice whining. 

“I know, but I had to do something!”

“Do what?”

Midoriya barely rounds the corner when you bend over, ass sticking up in the air, and plant a firm kiss on Shinsou’s lips. He doesn’t move but lets a soft groan slip as your hands trace the tops of his shoulders.

You’re crazy, he realizes. Just from watching you kiss Shinsou, he assumes he’s probably crazy, too, because it does nothing but make his cock throb. The two of you pull away, and you’re wiping your lips with the back of your hand. He wishes he could spy on what you were saying to him, using all your best tantalizing moves to keep Shinsou in a partial state of shock; you’re taking small steps back past the swinging door and nodding reassuringly.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?”

“Y-Yeah. I’ll see you…?”

“Uh-huh! Bye!”

Midoriya had ducked behind a wall, but your footsteps were growing closer and closer. Then, you’re a blur past him, but he can make out your face. It’s the face of sadism, of one that grins while you walk past him because you know that he knows you have the taste of Shinsou on your tongue and that you’re the one who gave him the bulge in his sweatpants. 

He quickly grabs onto your arm, stopping you in your tracks.

“Yes?”

“You know what you’re doing, right? Do you really wanna play this game?”

“What game?”

This will end with him fucking the shit out of you, and you know it. Midoriya feels his heart swell with dominance, pulling you closer so your hand can cup his cock in his shorts. He manually curls your fingers around his length, small puffs of air coming out of him as you submissively run your palm over the salacious hardness under his sweatpants. 

“I like when you touch me like that! Reminds me that even though you might go and kiss other guys….”

His hand brushes against your hip, thumb dipping just under your shorts and panties to feel the forbidden skin you hid from him.

“I just know that under these panties, you’re soaking.”

You feel relief that he doesn’t try to check because you know your hole is dripping and staining your cute pair of panties.

“I…”

Midoriya shushes you, an adorable smile on display as he firmly squeezes your ass cheek. He grunts as you put more pressure on his dick before taking your hand and squeezing it.

“Don’t talk. I just want you to think, cutie,” and he gets impossibly closer.

“Do you really think you’ll win?”

You don’t think you’ll win at all, and that’s the fun in it.

Midoriya sighs, feeling your hand stroke him over the fabric before breathing out and pulling away. He kisses your cheek, pointedly avoiding your lips.

“I’ll see you later.”

You’re left as shocked as Shinsou was.

-

“Have you noticed how often the kids have been hanging out together? I knew it, Kotoe. I knew they’d hit it off,” your grandmother smirks cockily, “where are they now, anyways?”

It had been true that you and Midoriya had been spending as much time as possible together since the Shinsou incident. It’s been a day since anything had happened, but you’d already shown your hand with tight workout shorts that cupped your ass perfectly that afternoon. You’d given your soon-to-be fling an eyeful, bending over with a sway in the hips so he could see the soft, tender flesh jiggle as you sweat all over yourself.

Even just your body seemed obscene, Midoriya couldn’t stop his eyes from tracking your hand towel as it dried in between the valley of your tits (that he wished so badly he could suck on) or when you took a heaving breath while wiping the sweat off from your forehead. Midoriya felt like a pervert; images of painting you in thick ropes of cum kept him hot-blooded.

“Oops, be careful!”

Midoriya wanted to push you, though. To really test your limits as far as teasing went. He’d tried all his best tips and tricks that he knew, but he wanted more. You saw it all, the thumb brushing his lip being the first strike of many. A hand on your thigh that every so often grew so close to your cunt before pulling away and giving you a wry shrug, “I just like having something to hold!”

Things like that.

“You look really good with cream on your face,” he hummed nonchalantly over a cup of hot chocolate.

“Huh?!”

He doesn’t even have the shame to pretend that he didn’t say what he said.

“I said, if you wanted cream on your face so bad, you should’ve just asked me instead.”

He’s even cocky enough to embellish a little. By dinnertime, you can’t stop wondering what his lips would feel like as he ate you like a man starved, slurping at your folds and tonguing you deep because he wanted to give you everything plus more.

Maybe he’d be willing to go a little further! If you could find somewhere private, maybe he’d cave to your soft eyes and alluring words. While your grandmothers choose what to eat at the bar, you’re busying yourself with tugging on Midoriya’s shirt sleeve.

“So…”

“So?”

“Um, do you wanna,” you didn’t start out too strong, but then he’s leaning in a microinch more and licking his lips, “wanna… find somewhere more private?”

The two of you aren’t being very inconspicuous, and your lips are parting for ones that don’t reach yours. A light laugh is heard beside you as your eyes flutter open. You frown.

“Private? Why would we do that?”

“Midoriya. C’mon,” you give a quick look at your surroundings and hope the elderly really are deaf, “we’ve been doing this, but what about a break? You know, I could help with what’s going on with you….”

He’ll give you one thing, you’re trying really hard. You look great, and he’s noticed the infrequent squeezing of your thighs. You’re probably dripping right now, all because he touched you a little and murmured about how much he wants you. 

“Baby,” and he pecks the knuckles of your hands, “it’s just not gonna happen, yet. You can be patient, right?”

Maybe you’ll explode, turn into flames and die of spontaneous combustion. This is torturous. Blasphemous.

“...But I don’t want to wait anymore!”

Then, a firm hand holds your face in his cheeks. Anyone could see you two, but Midoriya has the gall to grab your face and squeeze just a little. You’re mush, and you’re looking at him with starry eyes as he squishes your cheeks.

“Don’t make me have to really punish you,” and while he doesn’t sound threatening, you have half a mind to take him seriously.

Your face is released, and you almost want to grind down in your seat. Adjusting yourself, you pop a tater-tot in your mouth to try and distract yourself from your need. To your utter annoyance, the boy next to you elbows you.

“Besides, you already know that when we do fuck, you'll get everything you want, right? I haven’t forgotten about that kiss, I’m going to prove to you I’m better than him!”

He eats a piece of broccoli like it’s nothing, and you have to fight to hide your grin over your predicament. Midoriya gives you one last look. He fears the feelings inside him. Maybe he likes you like that. He settles to focus on his broccoli.

-

This game the two of you had been playing was getting rough. Time seemed to fly by, and suddenly you were looking at only a couple weeks left to stay with your grandmother. In turn, this meant that after these few weeks… what you and Midoriya had would cease to exist. You tried not to think about it.

Neither of you brought it up, but aside from every sexual advance, it seemed like the elephant in the room followed you wherever you went. Midoriya had started pulling your chair out for you, started to buy you gifts, and you suspected his soft touches were his biggest tell. Midoriya didn’t seem like the type to fight feelings, and you didn’t know how to feel about it.

Not because you didn’t like him, of course. You just didn’t know how to feel because you couldn’t fight these feelings if you tried.

“Do you wanna call me Izuku?”

“Huh?! Well, well, are you sure?”

“Yeah! We’re, um, we’re close, you know? So I don’t mind! I’d prefer it, coming from you,” it’s funny because the two of you are physically close too, essentially cuddling.

After familiarizing yourself with the entire facility, the two of you managed to find the ideal spots to hang out for some alone time! It was like walking a tightrope, was it going to be you who fell first when you sidled up real close to him? Or was it going to be him when he reached an arm around to comfortably hug your shoulder?

“Well, that does make sense! Okay, Izuku,” you wiggle your shoulders and say it so sweetly that he almost kisses you, “I like it! It suits you, at least when I’m saying it.”

You ham it up, stroking his cheek and murmuring his name like you’re a cheesy romance movie lead. He’s giggling as your hand brushes his sides to tickle him.

“Hey, come on! I told you something personal and now you’re going to tickle me?!”

“Of course I am! Don’t you know who I am?!”

It’s a blur, Izuku’s laughing and you’re telling him about the “tickle monster” that’d just appeared. Once coming down from the gusto of play fighting, something’s changed.

The two of you are stunned when you realize what has happened. Maybe it was Izuku’s fault for flying backwards or yours for following him diligently with wandering hands. The two of you seem to just fit, hips slotted against his own as you look down at him. You’d landed nearly perfectly in his lap, bated breath as both of you took in what it all meant.

“Oh, I know who you are.”

It’s tense.

“The tickle monster is going away, but you better be careful,” you say in a near whisper.

…It’s so tense.

“What do I have to be scared of? You’re just a brat.”

Your heart is beating, and this is too considering you’re chest to chest. Every touch, laugh, and first kiss replays in your memory like a flashback. The smell of anticipation hangs in the air, and you smile because this is finally it.

And he beats you to the chase, lips puckered as he finally kisses you with the passion of the first one after leaving you wanting for too long. He tastes like peppermint, and it’s so hot. Gasping breaths are taken; hormones at an all-time high because you can’t get enough of him now that you know he’s yours.

“Fuck,” he pants, “we can’t do it here.”

You’re still trying to mouth at his jaw, desperate to continue planting heated bursts of love across every inch of his skin. His hands come to your waist, and you’re frowning cutely as if your favorite toy was taken.

“If we’re quiet, no one’s even gonna come….”

Izuku’s nervous. He’s been waiting for so long. Hell, he has the most beautiful girl sitting pretty in his lap, eager to get naked, and yet he’s still hesitating. Your manicured nail tilts his head away from the double doors and back to your panting face.

“We don’t have to,” you say calmly, but you suddenly feel so vulnerable.

Suddenly Izuku realizes you’re about to slip from his grasp like melted butter. It all makes sense. 

“No. I’ll fuck you here! We just…need to be quiet, okay?”

“Okay!”

Both mouths go back to sliding against each other, and your teeth tug his lip just so see the redness bloom under the thin skin. All you can hear are the slick sounds of the two of you making out, and your hips start tilting into Izuku’s bulge before you can try to contain yourself.

“We should…” he seems to contemplate your position, “hm. Get on your back, baby.”

Honestly, the couch isn’t the greatest. The narrowness makes you nervous, but the strong arm that nearly lifts you onto your back gives you starry eyes; you can’t complain. One of Izuku’s legs supports him from the floor and for some reason, it all feels so intimate. The way you offer a shy smile and how he pecks your nose so sweetly you almost don’t hear it.

He holds himself up above you, and you can actually see his freckles up close now. He has so many, and each one is wonderful.

Then, his head dives down into the curve of your neck with the swiftness of a cheetah. His teeth graze your pulse point, your back arching and breath hitching as he suckles until a tender purple bruise appears.

“Izuku!”

His cock throbs at how you moan his name.

“Shh! I don’t want to have to keep you quiet, right? Ah…”

His hips grind into yours easily with a fervor that only comes from days of teasing and sexual repression. 

“Want you to take off my shirt, ‘zuku,” you mumble weakly, arms already winding around his neck for support as he dry humps you like a fuckdoll.

“Mhm, I will, I will! Just wanna feel you for a second; you’re so fucking warm.”

You’re soaking through your panties. He’s found a good angle, the two of you whimpering together as he mimics fucking you deep and slow. If he was inside you, you’re sure he’d be balls deep with your legs over his shoulders.

But there was no time, and you’re bringing him back to your lips with a twist. If you didn’t reign him in, you were sure the two of you would cum in your pants, and that wasn’t enough. His hand is brought to your chest, squeezing over the fabric so you can squeal in between his tongue that licks into your mouth.

“Play with my tits, only wanna feel you on me,” you can’t even stop talking when his hand travels under your soft cardigan to tug the cups of your bra down, “want you to be the only one that touches me like this.”

He’s transfixed, rough palm skirting over your nipple in a way that makes you shudder.

“You’re so sensitive…”

Your leg is pushed to the floor as Midoriya flips your skirt up.

“I knew it. You’re soaking from me. You’re telling me all these things, but,” and your chest is spilling out from your bra cups as he fully exposes you, “I knew I was yours the minute I saw you.”

If you weren’t in the process of tugging the boy’s mouth closer to your tit, you might’ve picked up on the near-love confession he’d murmured into the fat of your breasts. It’s so heady, so exhilarating knowing someone could walk in on your sticky thighs spread while Izuku gropes your chest.

“Mmph, Izuku! I need more.”

“I know, and we need to hurry this along too…”

It’s a regret he’s forced to pull away from your upper half. Markings dot areas all over your chest and he shudders with empathetic pleasure, knowing you’ll be walking around with skin he defiled is so deeply arousing. You’ll walk around after he stretches you with his pulsing cock, dragging you back onto him like you were made for it. No one would know a thing, and it makes Midoriya tug his belt off with a sense of urgency.

You watch carefully as his thick fingers make quick work on his belt. You can’t help yourself from letting a wandering hand stroke your soaked pussy, adding the slightest amount of pressure on your clit with slow, deliberate circles. His eyes catch yours and then your trembling hand. You feel caught, hand pausing while you turn cherry red.

“No, no. Why’d you stop? Keep going.”

He unbuttons his jeans, but his hands go to palm himself instead of sliding the zipper down like you want.

“Izuku?”

“Get yourself all wet for me, pretty. I wanna see how you touch yourself.”

It’s maybe one of the hottest things you’ve ever heard, and it’s even more attractive when a strong hand drags your hand down to your swollen cunt.

“Are you that bad at being good? You heard me.”

His voice has the same bite it always does. Friendly but in no doubt in charge. Your body temperature rises, and it’s almost embarrassing to get yourself off knowing he’s watching you like a hawk.

He even laughs when your hips jolt, “you can rub harder than that.”

“Why don’t you try?!”

The words don’t come out half as strong as you’d like. Rather, you sound pathetic because his groans are spurring your fingers to pull your panties to the side and actually touch yourself for real. The tips of your fingers are slick, and lewd sounds are echoing as you pump a finger into your gummy walls.

“I’m sure you’re just as good. I mean, you had every day to practice! Shit,” he sighs and dips a hand under his jeans, “wish I had time to use my mouth on you. I bet you taste so good, too.”

You spread your lips to expose your dripping hole, clenching around nothing and leaving a syrupy trail of wetness on your fingers. Izuku trembles, hand gripping the base of his cock as you nearly weep for him.

“I want you to fill me, Izuku. My fingers aren’t enough; I need you here,” and you lay a hand on your lower stomach, “wanna feel you here.”

After begging so cutely and winding yourself up so much that you’re nearly grinding onto the couch cushion, you hope it works. You even move to cup your breast for good measure.

“Don’t you wanna see how good I’d squeeze you?”

It hangs in the air for a moment before Midoriya nods hastily.

“Okay. Yes, okay!”

He digs through his wallet, pulling out a foil square and pushing his boxers down to alleviate the pressure bearing down at him. Sharp teeth rip the foil apart while you take mental notes on the boy before you.

It’s certainly not a disappointment! The mushroom head leaks precum like a fountain. Beading at the slit and eventually bubbling over, it’s so enticing that you’re willing to take him into your mouth just for one second.

Instead, you grab the condom with your hand, and both of you work together to roll it on. He hisses at the contact of your hand gripping his so you can’t help but give a tug just to hear him gasp.

“You’ll make me cum if you do that! Don’t,” he chuckles, swatting your hand away.

“Are you even gonna last more than a minute?”

“Will you?”

The two of you giggle as you maneuver yourself, spreading slick thighs and Izuku splaying your lower half against his. He hisses when his cock slides through your dripping folds, “I’m gonna love this pussy.”

“C’mon,” you whine impatiently, “you’re being unfair–”

He’d had enough of your needy voice, and Izuku could feel all his self-control melt away like snow. First, he pushes the tip in just to keep you quiet (and it works, just as he imagined.) 

“Ngh! Ah, wait! Wait, wait…” you’re suddenly about to topple off the edge of pure pleasure if not for Izuku holding your hand in his.

“I-I can’t! Baby, I need to be inside you. You can take it, right?”

He’s pushing his thick dick further in you, and your breath skips in your throat because he’s stretching you so good and making such sinful noises.

“There ‘ya go! There… fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Izuku has to force himself to think of other things, to not think of your drooling pussy taking him in like he belonged there. To not think of how you kept wiggling for more; you couldn’t get enough of feeling him hit that spongy spot that felt so good inside you. He hasn’t even started thrusting yet, just huffing expletives in your ear as he forces himself to not shoot his load too early.

You already look fucked out, looking at him like he hung the moon and stars in the sky for you. You’re looking at him like you love him, and he snaps his hips forward so hard you jerk upwards against the cushions. Soft hands fly to cover your mouth, and you look so pathetic trying to keep quiet as he carves a space inside you for him and only him.

  Quiet little “ah, ah, ah!” come out of you in bursts, utterly helpless to the fact that you must stay silent while Izuku pounds you into the worn couch of your grandmother’s retirement home. It’s debauched. It’s so fucking hot.

“I’ve wanted you since the beginning, hah. I was waiting for the right time,” he rambles, but his gaze is stuck on the way he slides way deep into you just to feel his heaviness drag against your folds till it’s just the tip. Again and again, and he’s nearly salivating with the froth you cream on his base, “and you look so pretty and I wanna do more, I–”

You realize he needs to shut up while trying to regain your own bearings. You’re still being vigorously fucked, and you can hardly get a word in with how he punches his cock just deep enough the graze your womb.

It makes you cry out because it hurts so fucking good, and Midoriya is quick shush you like a baby.

“Izu–oh, fuck! Izuku! Izu,” your hand cups his cheek to bring his lips against yours, effectively keeping him quiet.

The natural body weight of Izuku’s body excites your nerves so much that you feel on fire.

“‘M not gonna last long,” he gives a stuttering whisper and sneaks a hand between your bodies, balls slapping lewdly against your ass as he drills into you, “wanna get you off though, hm? Gotta make my pretty girl cum, right?”

He has no idea if he’s just muttering bullshit at this point, but it seems to work considering your increase in volume (something he can’t be bothered to fix.) Izuku wipes his hand on his shirt and rubs slow, small circles on your clit. It’s so methodical. It’s so targeted that you clench harder and harder.

“‘M gonna cum–gonna cream all over you,” your folds flutter so enticingly around him.

“You’re such a good girl, ngh! Cum around my cock; you deserve it..!”

You cum with a wail, no doubt soaking Izuku as he hunkers down onto you and grinds messily into you.

“W-Wish I could fill you up!! You’re so–so perfect.”

“Cum with me, ‘zuku,” you whisper as you comb your fingers through the sweaty hair stuck to his forehead.

Izuku muffles his groan into the crook of your neck, spilling his load in the rubber and sighing as the euphoria washes over him. The two of you take a moment to catch your breath, and you cringe at how the back of your shirt is stuck with sweat from your unexpected tryst. The boy on top of you can barely hold himself up, shaky hands tugging the condom off and tucking himself back into his jeans.

“Oh no!”

There’s a clear wet spot on his jeans, no doubt from barely undressing and thus spilling remnants of your cum together. Part of you wishes you could lick it off, and you have to shut your legs to keep your oversensitive clit from throbbing.

“Oh! That’s… okay. Um, is there a trash can near?...”

It makes you want to laugh at how he looks so boyish now in the post-coital glow. Adjusting your panties, after much deliberation of taking them off since they were soaked, you sit back and rest a hand on Izuku’s knee.

“I think there’s one right outside the main exit,” and then you’re leaning forward to kiss his nose, “...do you wanna go on a date?”

“You can’t say that while I’m still holding the condom that I just fucked you with!”

The two of you laugh before he softly kisses your shiny lips, “but okay.”

By next summer, your grandmothers are wondering how many kids the two of you will have.

[themusingsofacurlyhairednerd]

Datura Pt 5

Summary: Trapped Under the Mountain you're trying you best to learn to navigate Amarantha's Court and your own, budding powers.

Content Warnings: Allusions to assault, slavery, mild cursing

Author's Note: This one hurt me to write, but my depression got the better of me and I needed to let my angst out somewhere; I'm so sorry.

Pt 1, 2, 3, 4

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It’s been three weeks since you’d been dragged under the Mountain, each day counted with a little tally scratched into the wall behind your bed post where no one can see. Two weeks without word from your uncle. Two weeks without sunlight. Sometimes you sit in the dark wondering if, when this is over and you finally get to step into the sun again, if your eyes will be able to bear it, or will they be permanently altered?

The weeks are taking a toll. The girl you see in the mirror each morning is paler and paler each passing day, the lines of your face a little thinner as hunger becomes a constant companion. Amarantha has tasked someone with feeding you, but meals are few and far between, save for the assortment of stale snack Rhys has been sneaking into your training sessions. The male has spent hours each day running you through shielding techniques, followed by sparring sessions to “keep you limber” he’d said, and has only just begun to touch the well of power that sleeps beneath your skin. He’s still tight lipped about what he suspects it was, no matter your questioning. Things are, well you wouldn’t say pleasant necessarily, sometimes he still makes you want to hurl things at his head, but there has been no more threats from Amarantha to enforce upon you and so things are fine between you. The Queen has kept to herself for the last three weeks, until the Attor came knocking on your door.

The creature has the decency to not attempt to carry you by the back of the shirt this time. Instead, it walks ahead of you, leathery wings and talons scrapping the floor, it’s every breath a horribly, squeaking, rasp through it’s crooked teeth. It’s only spoken to inform you that you’re being summoned to the Queen’s chambers and than it clamps it’s thin lips shut and shoves you into the hall.

No throne room today, for that you’re relieved, most nights you can still see the bodies pinned to the wall when you shut your eyes. Instead, the Attor leads you up and up, the climb stealing your breath as you head to what you can only assume is the Mountain’s peak. Someone has painstakingly carved steps into the rock, each stone smooth and worn down over time. The door at the top is the same carved stone as all the other doors, but this one is guarded by masked sentries, both armed to the teeth. Spears glisten in their gloved hands, and you keep your questions about how well those could be wielded in such a small space to yourself. Questioning Rhys about her operations is one thing, the Attor and the rest of her cronies is another.

The sentries knock twice before pushing the door open for you.

Unlike your room, the space of her chambers is cavernous, the walls smoothed over and held by pillars of marble and sandstone. Faelights glitter and twist around each pillar, bathing the room in an unnaturally red glow.

Red seems to be her favorite color.

Her sleeping chambers are set in the side of the space, hidden from you by a crimson curtain. The rest of the room is left open, decorated with plush couches and chairs around a roaring fireplace in the shape of a lion’s head. Beneath the worn coffee table, currently plated with tea cups and scones, is a pelt of some sort of monster, the head bearing curling horns and an open mouth of jagged teeth, the glassy eyes starring right at you as the Attor all but shoves you into the room.

There’s a heavy scent of mirthroot and incense in the room that makes your head feel fuzzy.

The Queen emerges from behind the curtain wearing little other than a silk robe, the bare expanse of her legs on full display.

You reign in the disgust you feel at seeing her, try not to picture what she was doing back there, so flippant after she’d ordered an innocent male killed simply for knowing you. She’s a monster. But she’s also the monster with the power of the High Lords and you’re not so foolish as to upset her here in the quiet of her chambers where no one will hear you scream if she decides she wants to punish you for any slight you might offer.

“Y/N,” she says with a grin that looks wrong on the sharp planes of her pale face. “Glad you could join me! Come, sit.”

The Attor watches you move towards the couch opposite her like he thinks you might pounce on her and drag your claws across her throat.

The couch sinks in when you sit, like it’s been used a lot. You try not to think about why.

“Tea?” She asks as she grabs her own cup, her red lipstick smearing across the rim as she takes a deep drink.

Your stomach rumbles, a reminder that they’d forgotten to feed you again. You pull your hands into your sleeves, trying to keep your hands from reaching out to take what’s offered on instinct. “No.” The chances of you being drugged in here are high, you’re not taking any chances. Mentally, you do a quick check of your shields, just as Rhys had shown you, to ensure the doors of your mind are shut from whatever power of his she can wield over you.

She frowns. “I can see that you’re scared of me.”

You lean back in the couch, arms across your chest.

“I wish it didn’t have to be like that,” she says as she sets her own cup down. “I’ve been training with Hybern for many years, I’ve often thought of him like a father, and so I hope you don’t think I’m being too forward when I say I hope that some day you’ll see me like a sister.”

The urge to unleash your claws and slash them across her face is overwhelming. You’re thankful you’d had the good sense to pull your hands into your sleeves, it hides the way you dig your nails into your palms to keep yourself still. “Oh?”

She clasps her hands together, the eyeball in her ring swiveling to look at you. “My relationship with my own family was… rocky, I’d like to think fate is giving me another chance with you.”

You’re not so desperate to get out that you buy it, but you know, from somewhere deep inside of you that if she’d waited a few more weeks, if the hunger and the dark were really starting to get to you that she could have been convincing. That’s what scares you the most.

“I know I come across extreme,” she continues like she hasn’t noticed your reservations. “But, girl to girl, I really want to see you thrive. Rhysand has been telling me of your progress. He says you’re a fast learner.”

He’d told you that too. “He’s a good teacher,” you say carefully. You mean it, he’s very patient with you, even if he is an ass about how he gets results, he’s never been harsh, never pushed too far--not since that first day had he come into your mind uninvited--but you can’t have her getting suspicious of why you’ve been such a dutiful student. If she suspects you’re trying to awaken your powers too soon, you’re as likely to end up chained to her as the High Lords are. Hybern needs a weapon, not a time bomb, you have to play your cards steadily to unsure you can get out of here at the end of this.

“Charmed, are we?” She asks in what feels like it’s meant to be conspiratorial girl talk, but the look in her eyes... You swear the eye on her finger widens in warning.

“I haven’t had any training before this. It is nice to have a guide for my questions.” As close to the truth as you can get.

Amarantha leans back in her seat, arms spread across the back of the couch, as she studies you. Her eyes are so dark they’re almost black, nothing but cold calculations in a gaze you know has been wielded with extreme precision on the battlefield. It’s like she’s pinpointing all your weak spots when she looks at you. You can’t look her in the eyes, not without fidgeting, you find yourself picking at the fraying edges of your shirt sleeves instead.

“You poor thing,” she coos. “You must have been so confused.”

That much is true too. You still haven’t been able to figure out why they’re doing all this. What terrible power does she think you posses that she’s so desperate she’ll invite you into her personal chambers instead of attempting some dramatic event in the throne room?

You stare at the wall. You can’t give her the satisfaction of asking her those questions. Maybe she does have the answers, but they’re from her mouth and you know better than to trust a damn think that comes out of it.

“I thought everybody was ahead of me,” you admit. “We travelled a lot so regular schooling was out of the question.”

“Oh I’m sure your uncle was a master at weaponizing your naivety. Most males are.” She brings her hand with the ring up to her chest and begins to trace a pointed nail over it, as if she’s thinking about something else.

“He’s a good male,” you blurt before you can stop yourself.

She huffs a laugh, “Good males do not steal children from their parents.”

You bite down on the inside of your cheek.

“Your parents were very powerful people once, and your uncle had always been jealous of your mother. I wish you could have seen her, Y/N, when she stepped onto a battlefield, males coward. I watched them piss themselves just at the sight of her. She was everything I hoped to be as Hybern’s general.”

You’d always imagined your love of books and ancient things had come from your mother. In your mind she’d been a soft woman who grew gardens and was always reading books under big oak trees. In your mind she was kind and gentle and had lost you tragically in some sort of accident. To hear anything else, from Amarantha of all people, made you want to throw your hands up over your ears. Your uncle had alluded to your father not being the best of people, but you had never imagined it would be this bad either.

“Your uncle couldn’t stand it,” she continues, oblivious to your inner turmoil. “I tried to warn them that he was a jealous and dangerous male, but your mother loved him too much to see it. And when he stole you out of your room that night, well, her heart couldn’t handle it. That’s our curse as women, I suppose, we care too much.”

You look into the fire. That can’t be true! You don’t want it to be true. Because, if it is, you’re not only wrong about your parents, you’re wrong about your uncle too and then you will have no family left at all.

“And look at you, following in her footsteps,” she presses. “Caring so much about him that you’ll sacrifice your own peace of mind to spare his miserable life. He’s a monster, Y/N, why are you protecting him? All he has ever done is hurt you.”

The flames dance in the fireplace, reaching towards the carved teeth of the lion’s head. You trace the ash that’s dusted up the creature’s face with your eyes, anything to avoid looking at her. Your shields might be in place, but your face will betray you all the same.

She stands and comes to sit next to you, the heavy scent of earth and incense a cloud around her. “Your powers could have driven you insane without the right teaching. He very well could have killed you. You want to protect a male like that?”

 Maybe it is all true, gods above you can barely stomach the thought, but even if it is, you can’t sell him out to her. “I already told Rhys where he would be. I’m not protecting anyone.” These last few weeks, no news of him had been a relief, it meant he was safe, but as time ticked on, the doubts were starting to get to you. None of her huntsman had even heard whispers of where he’d gone. Was it possible he’d abandoned you?

She reaches out and places her nails under your chin, turning your head until you’re looking into her eyes. “You poor thing. I feel for you, I really do. I know the terrible sting of betrayal all too well.”

The eye on her ring swivels to stare at her, like it’s questioning the statement.

Maybe it really is alive; the thought makes your stomach roll.

“What do you want?” You ask.

She laughs like you’d told a joke. “As I said, I want us to be friends.”

“You killed a male to threaten me into submission and suddenly you want to be friends?”

She stiffens a little.

“This is about the twins, isn’t it?”

“Do you smoke?” She asks instead.

The shift makes you pause for a second, long enough for her to shout for someone behind the curtain leading into her sleeping quarters. A moment later, the same male from the throne room appears, shirtless, wearing nothing but his boxers and a glittering, golden collar. In his hand is a small, silver tray and as he seats himself on the arm of the couch, he holds it out to her. A rolled cluster of cigarettes sits on the tray next to a golden lighter and she grabs the nearest cigarette. Out of what can only be habit, the male sets the tray on the table and lights the cigarette for her as she brings it to her mouth. You’ve been in enough taverns to know mirthroot when you smell it, the smoke making the room hazy.

“Helps with my headaches,” she says, holding it out to you.

You glance at the male, now draped over the edge of the couch like this is normal. Like it’s normal that there are scratch marks across his chest; a collar clinging to his throat. So much had happened the last time he’d been around you hadn’t really noticed what was happening, but now…

Amarantha is speaking again but you honestly can’t hear what she’s saying.

What kind of female does this to people?

There’s something prowling beneath your skin, a caged animal pacing the bars of it’s enclosure. The first bits of your talons poke through your skin, digging into your palms to keep it at bay.

“Y/N?” She asks, and by the tone its clear this isn’t the first time she’s called you by name.

You force yourself to draw a breath, then another. You cannot fight her here like this, no matter how badly you want to. No matter how much the sight of that collar makes you want to destroy everything she’s ever touched. She has the power of the High Lords and if you fight her here in her chambers, untrained, you will loose.

You draw another breath. Rhys had said that half the battle was knowing when to throw the first punch. It isn’t time yet.

You repeat it to yourself, to the thing that slumbers in your chest until it quiets.

You know Amarantha is watching, can feel that oily gaze on you. You draw another breath and force yourself to look at her. “I’m sorry, I… I was just wondering…” You should placate her, pretend your just some untrained, naive little girl she found on Calanmai. At the start of this conversation you might have, but the shift you feel beneath your skin…

You need to get out of the room before you implode.

And you need her to know you’re not just some stupid pet.

“I was just wondering what’s so bad about the twins that’s got you rattled, Your Highness?” Maybe you can’t meet her gaze yet, maybe you can’t win a physical fight, but you’re not some helpless toy at her whims. The last couple weeks have weakened you, but they haven’t beat you.

She growls at you, eyes flashing dangerously.

The male on the end of the couch scatters out of range, ducking behind the curtain long enough for you to get a flash of the room, see another body laying in her silk sheets.

You’re going to rip this mountain apart brick by fucking brick if you have to.

“Is this what you’d rather do, little mouse?” She asks, her voice dangerously low. “Play games with me?”

It's too late to take it all back now. The words are out and despite the shiver running down your spine, you know if you back down now she will hold it over your head forever. Might as well stand your ground and see what she'll reveal to you if you keep pushing. “I’m bored in my cell,” you counter.

She takes a drag of the mirthroot. You'll ask Rhys later why she needs so much of it. Is it possible that holding all that power is effecting her physically somehow?

“How forgetful of me to not keep you entertained.”

“Isn’t that what friends do?” You over emphasize the word, put all your venom into it. You can’t spar with her physically yet, but you’ve always been quicker with your words than your fists anyway.

She flicks the cigarette away. “You should come to dinner tonight, if you’re so bored.”

You hope she can’t hear the way your heart thunders in your chest. This is dangerous, so very dangerous. You’re almost sure you can hear Rhys screaming in your head. “I’d be delighted,” you say as sweetly as you can.

Amarantha motions the Attor over, a dismissal. “I was hoping to protect you from the cruelty of this court until you were ready. My subjects aren’t always as kind as me, but since you’re so keen on getting out of your room, I suppose I can’t help you.”

She’s going to throw you to the wolves.

You swallow the lump in your throat. “I’ll have to get acquainted with my father’s court eventually.”

“You’ll remember this conversation after dinner,” she hisses as the Attor grabs your shoulder and lifts you off the couch.

“I’m sure it’ll be a good laugh for both of us,” you say like you don’t hear the threat.

As the door opens, you throw over your shoulder, “I’ll see you tonight.”

The powers she’s stolen rumble as the door slams shut behind you, the mountain shaking.

You tuck your trembling hands into your pockets as you walk back the way you came. At least no one is dead this time, but still you can’t shake the feeling that you’re royally fucked.

Doesn’t help matters that, as you turn the corner back towards you room, Rhysand is there, frowning as he leans against the closed door. That intense violet gaze roams over you as you approach, as if he’s cataloging every detail of you, then the Attor.

“Why is she out?” He snarls at the Attor.

“Well hi to you too,” you grumble.

You’re not entirely sure what powers come with being High Lord of the Night Court, but you’re sure he once was able to burn holes through people’s heads, judging by the intensity of the anger in his eyes. He won’t even make eye contacting with you, only the Attor, who lumbers past you, chuckling.

“Her Majesty requested an audience.”

“She’s only to leave her room with me,” Rhys snarls, pushing away from the wall so he’s standing at his full height. Wisps of darkness unfurl from his shoulders, thrashing behind him like living things.

You shiver a little. These last few weeks had made you forget the male you had seen on Calanmai--what Darkness Incarnate was capable of given the right push.

“Funny,” the Attor rasps, unbothered by the display. Maybe when you spend so much time with Amarantha, only big, powerful displays matter. “She hasn’t mentioned you all morning. Maybe she’s gotten tired of you.”

“And maybe,” Rhys prowls forward, the stars you can sometimes see glittering in his eyes winking out with each breath he takes. “I was out dragging Tamlin’s sorry ass in for you.”

The Attor pauses, wings twitching. “Spring surrendered?”

“His time is up,” Rhys snarls. “He didn’t even fight me.”

Shit shit shit. She’s actually done it. Tamlin had been the last High Lord on his throne. When Hybern came in a couple of months, there’d be no one standing in his way. Amarantha would have all the High Lords sitting and waiting for him to do whatever he wanted with them.

You look at Rhys, really look. There’s no damage on him, no cuts or bruises, not even dirt, no hint that he was lying about bringing Tamlin in. He doesn’t look at all bothered by it either, as if this is just another part of the job.

The Attor makes a hissing sound, “Guess we both didn’t get what we wanted today, lordling.”

“This will be the last time you take her anywhere,” Rhys snarls, his voice wholly taken over by a High Lord. Not the male that sits on the floor in the training room, showing you how to shield; not the male who sneaks you snacks to ensure you’re not starving to death in the dark. There is no room for argument, no room for a fight, he is High Lord and he will get his way. “And if I find out any harm came to her while she was under your watch I will take my gods-damned time flaying the skin from your measly bones.”

Measly? The Attor is twice Rhys’s size, yet you know, just by looking at him that he’d win. It’s no idle threat.

“You talk a lot of game, whore,” the Attor snarls as it backs away. It knows it’ll loose too. “But lets see you put that same energy out in front of Her Highness when she has her new pet out for dinner tonight. I’m sure with the Lord of Spring joining us, things will be interesting.”

It scurries away before Rhys can ask what that means, or before you can tear it’s ugly face off it’s bones. Yours claws are piercing into your palms, blood pooling between yours fingers. You hadn’t realized you’d done it, they’d slipped, your control waning at his words. Rhys hadn’t seemed to notice them, hadn’t reacted at all, just as he hadn’t that night in the throne room, but you can’t stand it. And you can’t even explain why.

“Are you hurt?” Rhys asks as soon as the Attor is gone. The wisps of darkness disappear in a rush, like all the energy needed to summon them had suddenly vanished.

“No, I’m fine,” you reply, but you can’t stop yourself from looking down at your hands, the indents you’d left in your palms. Little tendrils of your own darkness slip from them, like it’s leaking out of your skin.

Rhys is on you in an instant, taking your hands in his own, looking at the damage.

“Guess I was clenching my fists a little tight,” you say.

The world tilts and spins, the sound of wind rushing in your ears, and then you’re standing in another bedroom. It’s as barren as your own, lit with a dozen, half melted candles, most of the space taken up by a bed with black silk sheets. There’s some furniture covered in dust around a cold fireplace; it looks less used then your own had been when you’d arrived.

Rhys’s hand is around your wrist, pulling your towards the bathing chambers. He’s breathing hard, as if the winnowing had taken a lot out of him; his skin a little more pale, dark circles around his eyes. How much of his power does Amarantha steal on the daily?

“What did the Attor mean about tonight?” He asks as he motions you to sit on the edge of the tub. It’s bigger than your own, not by much, but there’s enough of a lip around the edge that you can sit without falling completely in. He lets the water run until it’s warm.

You pinch your eyes shut. “She gave me this whole speech about how she wants to be friends.”

He guides your hands under the water and you wince against the sting.

“I was going to wait her out, just not say anything at all, but…” but you kept seeing that male in that godsdamned collar, and the bodies pinned to the wall of the throne room, and the male who had been murdered on the floor.

You know you should be careful here too, no one has explained what his role in all of this is. Was he like Tamlin once? Dragged in when he ran out of options? Or had he come on his own? And you can’t shake the queasiness you get in the pit of your stomach when someone calls him a whore, because all you can do is wonder if Rhys has any say at all what happens to him down here?

“But?”

“But she’s a monster and the last fucking thing I want to be is her friend.”

He steps away long enough to get a towel and dab at the open wounds, still bleeding, the water red as it runs down your hands.

“So I guess I kinda goaded her into doing something with me instead of leaving me in my room all the time.”

Rhys huffs, but you can’t tell if it’s annoyance or anger. He doesn’t say anything beyond that as he shuts off the water and start rummaging through the cabinet under the sink. There’s a lot of vials and bottles and hand towels organized in the small space, the only real sign that anyone ever stays in the room at all.

“You’re lucky she didn’t tear you apart,” he growls as he comes back with a bottle of what looks like antiseptic. He dabs some on another towel and presses it to your palms, ignoring the hiss you make at the sting. “She’s ripped off people’s arms for less.”

“Yeah well one of the joys of being me is she needs me alive,” you drawl.

He tosses the used rag in the tub and then opens a small bottle of salve. It’s half empty, the contents clinging to the sides of the container. It’s applied to your hands with the care of someone who has done this over a dozen different wounds.

“How’d you find all this stuff?”

He’s got gauze too; wraps your hands carefully. “One of the joys of being me is she needs me in one piece,” he returns.

When your hands are all wrapped, he puts all the stuff back and washes his own hands.

“What…” this is dangerous ground, it sounds an awful lot like you care about him. You run a finger over the bandage, trace the sleeve of the shirt you only have because he’d given it to you. You’d still be in a shift in this frozen place if it wasn’t for him. You’d be a lot worse off, if it wasn’t for him.

“What exactly do you do for her?” Do you even want to know? Why torture yourself with the truth when you find out he’s done all of this for her because he wants to? Because he was born a monster just like she was and had only decided to latch onto you because maybe you were as much a ticket to Hybern’s graces as you were for Amarantha?

You watch the way his back shudders as he draws a shaking breath.

Something in your chest cracks and you jump off the edge of the tub.

“Whatever she wants,” he says so softly you almost can’t hear him.

You take a step closer, then another, until you’re right behind him. “And do you… want to do that?”

He turns slowly, head to his chest.

You take the final step so that you can look up into his eyes. So you can see him. There is so much there, in his eyes, in the shadows across his face that you’re pretty sure you have an answer. But you can’t be pretty sure of anything Under the Mountain. You need to hear it said.

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” he whispers.

“Yes it does,” you press.

He shakes his head, onyx hair falling over his eyes. This is the most rumpled you’ve seen him, he’s always so put together. “Not with what I stand to loose.”

“What could be worth all this?” You’ve unconsciously brought your bandaged hands up on his chest, the beat of his heart quickening beneath your palms. He lets you, as if that pulse might show you that he really does have a heart that works under his shirt.

He brings a hand up slowly, gently running his fingers over the back of your knuckles. His mouth opens, and closes without an answer.

“Rhys-”

He pulls your hands away, straightening, whatever emotion had been on his face before is gone, that cold mask of indifference in it’s place once again. “I am High Lord,” he explains, “my duty is to protect my people at all costs.” Whatever he was going to say before will remain buried behind that mask. You don’t know how he does it so easily. Just when you think he might open up, might let you in, might show you that the male you had met on Calanmai was real, he shuts it out behind this mask.

“And who protects you?” You dare to ask, because even though you know you can’t get past that mask, you can’t stop yourself from trying.

“I don’t need protecting,” he says, but it’s not confidence in his voice, nor pride, it’s… broken, as if he doesn’t think he’s worth protecting. “Careful, Y/N, I might think you care about me.”

Caring in a place like this very well may get you killed. But if you stop, if you find your own mask and shut down every piece of yourself behind it, aren’t you just as bad as him?

 “Would it be so bad?” You whisper. You can’t help but feel small in a place like this, would having a friend be so terrible?

“Yes!” He snarls and darkness leaks from him again. “The more people you care about in this gods forsaken mountain the harder it is to get out! You might only get one shot and if you don’t take it, you’re likely to get stuck here forever.”

Somehow this is worse than Amarantha asking to be friends, this feels an awful like some sort of rejection and that chasm you often feel after Calanmai, when you’d ignored him, cracks and splits wide open in your chest. You feel yourself tumbling down, down into the dark void.

“Why do you care so much if I get out then?”

“Because you’re-” he bites down on the rest of the sentence, shakes it off with a deep breath. “No one else will tell you the truth, so here it is: You will be the death of all of us if you stay. So yes, I want you out of here. I want you as fucking far away from here as possible!”

You can’t breathe.

The chasm swallows you, drags you under until you don’t know what way is up. You know you’re crying, but you can’t stop the tears that stream down your cheeks. Rhys doesn’t bother to try and wipe them away this time.

“Fuck you,” you whimper.

“It’s not my fault you were so damn isolated the first scrap of attention you got you confused with something else,” he replies. “I’ve kept you alive out of necessity and I will continue to do so until it is no longer required of me. And when the time comes for you to get out, you’ll take it and not look back, understand?”

The world spins again and you’re suddenly back inside your own room.

“Do you understand?” He repeats again.

“Perfectly,” you hiss.

“Good. Now let’s fucking hope I can get you out of this gods-damned dinner before your throw away your chance.”

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Tag List: @mariahoedt, @lovelydove, @twsssmlmaa, @sleepylunarwolf, @judig92, @willowpains, @annaaaaaa88, @daughterofthemoons-stuff, @myheartfollower, @uniquecolorwizard, @eternallyelvish

*I've seen that some of my tags aren't working for this list, I'm trying to figure out why it will let me tag some of you and not others, but I'll keep trying until I figure it out. :) As always, if you want to be added to the list, let me know! :) Thank you all for your support in this fic you guys are amazing! <3 *

[frogchiro]

As mentioned before, my brain has been consumed by Welt ever since I started playing and now please have this little fluffy thirst with him ;;

fem!reader, nsfw but it's really mild, like nothing explicit happens, nipple play and breast sucking >< very fluffy and sweet, possibly ooc Welt, age difference (reader is in her early 20's), reader has a past

!also possible spoilers on the prologue of the game!

OKAY SO, I imagine this taking place right after departing from Herta's Space Station with the Astral Express. After the disaster at the station you, Himeko, Welt, Dan Hang, March 7th and the newly acquired member of the team, Caelus, set out on a new journey to a planet called Jarillo-VI to possibly learn more about the Stellaron and Aeons.

You were really lucky to join this lively group of so many different personalities, even more so to being able to call them your friends! A life of a mercenary wasn't an easy one, especially since you had to do the dirty work ever since you were barely a teen. It sure had it's moments especially as you got older, being able to wander and see all what your world had to offer, fighting bandits and monster was a thrilling experience for sure! But after years of doing so it quickly became a mundane thing to do, the thrill of adventure gone and replaced with it being more of a (very strenuous) chore to keep food in your stomach. With no one to come home to and with the very few 'friends' you made it quickly became...depressing and frankly, empty.

Everything changed when you met the charming Lady Himeko during one of your journeys. To be perfectly honest you still don't know how it happened; one day you're slaying another monster and on the other you're standing in this brilliant intergalactical train to explore the unknown of space with a group of people who call you their friend and you can finally call that someone too.

But...you'd be lying if you said that you didn't have favorites. Something about Welt and his specific kind of charm made you swoon and his kind heart and old soul only sealed the deal.

But back to present. During the journey to Jarilo-VI all of the members of the team scattered around the train. Caelus was in the main hall looking in fascination into the vast endless space, March was probably somewhere causing trouble, Himeko was busy reading, Dan Hang was probably in his room looking through old archives and Pom-Pom was grumbling something under their breath about 'an unruly pink girl'.

And you? You were staying in your room, deciding on lazing around in your comfy bed before the new big adventure on the unknown planet; something was telling you that there would be much more trouble than any of you thought.

Just as you were laying around and almost falling asleep, a quiet knock reverberated through your otherwise quiet room.

'Come in!' you loudly said, thinking it's maybe Caelus with a question or perhaps March with one of her 'genius' ideas, but it was none of them.

It was Welt, standing just on the threshold of your room, looking tired and quite worn out. Your sleepy eyes widened slightly at the sight of the older man and immediately called him over to sit with you on your bed. What concerned you even more was the lack of resistance from the man, on a normal occasion you'd be elated to see that your partner was finally getting comfortable enough to be more open with his feelings without the 'but it's inappropriate !' talk.

Just the sight of the brown haired man in such a state made you upset so you immediately slid in next to him when he sat down with a heavy sigh. Your hands gently brushed through his graying hair and made their way down to his strong neck and shoulders to massage them a bit and relieve some of the pressure.

The deep pleased rumble coming from Welt's chest was enough of an answer but your massage was soon enough interrupted by the man turning around, broad shoulders moving and soon he was facing you with your face cradled gently in his warm palms, rough with calluses from years of fighting.

You allowed yourself to relax even more, your head feeling heavy again as your eyelids slowly closed again before quietly asking the one burning question:

"Hey love, not that I'm complaining but...did something happen? You're usually not this affectionate", you chuckled slightly and Welt released a amused sigh himself.

"Yeah, guess I'm not huh? It's just...eh forget it darling, nothing important anyway." Welt looked down again while still holding your face, his thumbs gently caressing your cheeks now.

You moved closer to him, your full breasts almost touching his chest with how close you were, and it was your turn to take his face into your hands to make him look at you, a slight flush spreading on his pale cheeks.

"Weeeell, something clearly is bothering you, I can see it clear as day Welt. I'm not going to pressure you into saying it but I see that something is on your mind and not in a good way." You words were accompanied with one of your hands moving up his cheek to his hair where you combed through it, the gray streaked hair soft under your fingertips.

Instead of replying, you saw Welt moving his hand from your exposed thigh, to your tummy before slowly dragging it upward your side only to rest on your shoulder where he slowly slipped the thin shoulder strap from your nightgown down and leaning in slowly to lay a gentle kiss on your neck before moving your your collarbone and shoulder.

You let out a breath at the warm affection from your boyfriend, your hand still in his hair while the other was now firmly placed on the bed to keep you up in your position.

Soon, you felt Welt move down from kissing your shoulder to the beginning of the swell of your breast while maintaining eye-contact with you, his beautiful golden brown eyes half-lidden and dimmed with love.

You decided to move into a more comfortable position and while still cradling Welt's head to your breast, you moved back to lay on your back against the mound of pillows nestled on your bed allowing Welt to cuddle to your side and continue his insistent affections.

A slightly louder breathy moan was let out when Welt started to mouth and lick at your pert nipple before finally closing his mouth on it and suckling, his eyes never leaving yours. You looked down at the man sucking with a content hum and noticed that the formerly tense muscles started to relax in your hold, his face also starting to become more and more lax, a serene far-away look in his eyes.

You let out a quiet pleasured sigh as you let the older man suckle as much as he wanted while still cradling his head and combing through his hair. Whatever it was that was troubling him could wait just a moment longer, Welt finally relaxing in your hold and you did not wish to upset him just as he started to enjoy himself.

You'd address it after Welt felt ready and after your nap. Your eyes slowly closing and breath relaxing, lulled into sleep by the gently tug on your nipple and Welt's quiet hums.

As long as you had each other, you knew everything would be fine.

[talonabraxas]

Blue Lotus: Flower of Intuitive Ascension

Blue Lotus (Nymphaea caerulea) is a beautiful, water-dwelling flower with mild psychoactive properties. Sacred to the Ancient Egyptians, depictions of Blue Lotus flower are ubiquitous in Egyptian art. Though alluring to our modern imaginations and worth further investigation, Blue Lotus is rarely used in Western herbalism as it is not currently a well-understood plant, nor is it native to or abundant in North America.

Etymology & Botany Blue Lotus is a tropical, aquatic plant in the Water Lily family that features day-blooming, light blue flowers which sit on the water’s surface. Long petioles connect the visible leaves with the deep, underwater rhizomes. The star-shaped flowers typically bloom for 3-5 days, moving with the sun and closing at night; Ancient Egyptians noticed this solar attunement and believed the flower’s golden center to be where the sun god, Ra, emerged from. All parts of the Blue Lotus plant (flowers, leaves, rhizomes, petioles) can be used medicinally.

Traditional Uses Once naturally abundant and extensively cultivated in temple lakes and along the Nile River, Blue Lotus was a highly revered and sought after crop. It was exported throughout the Mediterranean, Greece, the Middle East, Tibet, and as far as the Alexandrian empire extended.

Origin While it’s rare to find this flower growing along the Nile now, it is native to northern and central Africa. Ancient Egytian temples and monuments are a testament to how well loved this emblematic flower was to their culture; Blue Lotus can be seen embossed on everything from thrones to calcite drinking chalices to papyrus. The herb was used ceremonially but was also made into cosmetics and perfumes; imbibed as a tea or elixir; and simply inhaled for its relaxing, intoxicating fragrance. The flowers and buds were often used recreationally as well, for their narcotic and aphrodisiac effects.

Spiritual History In addition to being the birthplace of the sun god, Ra, this herb came to be associated with the afterlife and rebirth in Egyptian culture, specifically the Osiris myth. Brought back to life by the assistance of his sister and wife, Isis, Osiris became a symbol of life after death and rebirth through the legacy of Egyptian royalty. Thus, this herb was also considered to be the symbol of royalty and rulers, and indeed many royal accoutrement featured depictions of the flower; King Tutankhamun’s mummy was found covered with dried Blue Lotus flowers when exhumed hundreds of years later.

Herbal Indications for Blue Lotus Blue Lotus is bitter, aromatic, and warm energetically. In modern, Western herbalism, it is considered a sedative, febrifuge, aphrodisiac, antidepressant, antioxidant, anti-convulsant, and anti-inflammatory herb. It has been successfully used to purify the blood, treat tuberculosis, expel worms and parasites, relieve edema, enhance libido and treat erectile dysfunction, improve lactation, alleviate anxiety and depression, staunch internal bleeding, and balance blood sugar levels. Blue Lotus has a particular affinity for the kidneys, heart, and nervous system.

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 26

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 11/13/2023

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "I don't want to do this."

I lost track of how much time passed as I watched Dieter sleep. My mind was racing through so many thoughts that it overwhelmed me, making it impossible to process anything at all. It was hard to pull myself away from him, but I felt like I needed a few minutes to myself to just…feel. I was relieved when the nurse walked in to check on him, feeling like that was my out. I let her know that we would be in the waiting room if he asked for us. When she turned her attention back to her checklist, I excused myself from the room.

As I walked down the hallway, I took a moment to observe my surroundings. Seeing patients through open doors in various states of critical care was making me feel anxious. The sounds of beeping machines dredging up old memories that I thought I had packed away for good. The pungent smells of antiseptic and fragrances of chemical based cleaners caused my stomach to churn. I hated hospitals and I hated that Dieter was having to go through this experience. I truly hoped that it would at least have a positive outcome so that he could finally get the proper help he needed.

I ducked into a single-user bathroom to have a minute to myself, knowing it would be my only opportunity. After locking the door behind me, I walked over to the sink and gave myself a once over in the mirror. I looked like hell. My air-dried curly hair was now a frizzy mess from my fingers incessantly pulling at it. My eyes were circled in darkness from the lack of sleep, red and swollen from crying. The t-shirt I had quickly thrown on before leaving the house was wrinkled and had a stain on it. No wonder the ER doctor didn’t take my word for it when I said I was fine. I wouldn’t have believed me either. 

I tried to smooth my hair down but didn’t get anywhere with it. Luckily, I had a hair tie on my wrist so I could pull it back into a messy bun. I took a minute to splash some warm water over my face. My skin felt sensitive and raw from the salty tears that had fallen, no matter how much I willed them not to. I switched over to cold water for a little shock to my system to try and wake up some. After splashing a few handfuls of the cold water, I stood watching it pool in my cupped hands, allowing it to spill over the sides. I could feel myself disassociating, until the flashes of memories started to break through.

Images of Dieter lying on the floor, his eyes opening briefly as I tried to wake him before they rolled back and closed again. The way he looked lifeless in my lap on the drive to the hospital, with a weakened pulse. The sight of him being pulled from my embrace and loaded onto a gurney surrounded by nurses and doctors as they worked to stabilize him. It was too much, and it was all crashing down on me at once. I had almost lost him because I was too fucking selfish to take the risk and reach out to him when I knew in my gut that something was wrong. I completely ignored it all and focused on being angry at him, just to make myself feel better about the whole situation. Now, I only felt anger toward myself.

I snapped back to the present, letting the water spill from my hands before reaching to turn off the faucet. I placed my wet hands on the back of my neck for a moment, allowing the coldness to soothe the heat radiating through my body. I closed my eyes and took a few measured breaths. Then, I reached for paper towels to dry my hands and face before throwing them in the trash. I placed both palms on the sink, leaning against it with my head down. I closed my eyes again, still taking deep breaths to try and center myself.

When I raised my head and opened my eyes, meeting my reflection in the mirror, I hated the person that I saw. My biggest fear had been losing myself again. I had allowed it to happen without even realizing how the darkness was slowly consuming what little was left of me. The harder I worked to keep it away from me the easier it was for the darkness to stealthily pull me into its numbing embrace. The sad part is, I welcomed it with open arms under the guise that I was doing what I needed to do to move forward and be happy.

For the first time since Dieter ended things, I realized I was slowly turning back into the person I was before him. The person I was when I was with Justin. The scared girl who pretended everything was fine and hid her feelings away out of fear that someone would see how bad things were. I had been conditioned to behave this way to protect Justin and all his wrong doings. I had been conditioned to hide my feelings away so that I wouldn’t realize how unhappy I really was. I could feel the walls starting to crumble down again and I found myself craving a drink but knew I couldn’t go down that road. I knew I needed to get back on track and handle things the correct way, for the sake of myself. I wasn’t going to be able to be there for Dieter unless I finally got my shit together. For real this time. I needed to find better ways to cope and actually process my feelings, rather than lock them away. If I didn’t do this, I knew I would be lost to the darkness forever.    

I was drawn away from my thoughts by a knock on the door. I took one last deep breath and moved to leave the bathroom. As I continued my trudge down the hallway, I somehow managed to focus my mind back on the current situation that needed attention, trying to think through the next steps. I wasn’t even sure what those needed to be since I had never dealt with anything like this. This was definitely going to be a team effort.

When I entered the waiting room, I was met with more activity than I expected. Everyone was working to check out various inpatient treatment centers for Dieter. Alex was reaching out to his contacts for feedback while Lauren and Gabby did research on their phones. I immediately joined in. We were determined to find something away from LA that wasn’t one of the upscale places celebrities usually went to that catered to them. He needed to be somewhere that would not treat him any differently than other patients and really focus on helping him get better.

We finally settled on a facility in Tucson, Arizona called Sanctuary Hills that appeared to be promising. It was away from paparazzi central, making it less likely that anything would leak about Dieter being there. It also came highly recommended by Dr. Wilson and several other individuals that Alex spoke with. It would be a long drive, but more than worth it if the place was as good as everyone made it out to be. Once the decision was made, Gabby called to get more information and to get the admission process started. 

We did not want to give Dieter the opportunity to change his mind, so Gabby and I planned to drive him directly to the facility once he was discharged from the hospital. Sanctuary Hills was kind enough to send us a list of things that Dieter could and could not bring with him, so I offered to go pack a bag for him on my way home to nap and freshen up. Gabby planned to do the same while Lauren and Alex stayed behind to spend some time with Dieter once he woke up.

When the Uber driver pulled into the driveway of Dieter’s house, I could feel my chest tighten as anxiety set in. Being there after what had happened the previous evening felt odd, almost sort of eerie. It seemed like there was bad energy emitting from the once happy place that I had considered my second home.

As I used Gabby’s key to unlock the front door, I suddenly felt a wave of emotion sweep over me. I could already feel a lump forming in my throat. When I stepped inside and really took in the space for the first time, I realized how much of a mess it was. I had noticed it the night before but didn’t register the severity because I had been focused on helping him. Dieter’s comforter and a pillow, my pillow, were haphazardly laying on the couch. There were old takeout containers randomly sitting around the living room and kitchen, some still containing food that looked like it had hardly been touched. I assumed that was the cause of the questionable smell permeating throughout the house. The TV was laying on its back on the floor with a busted screen. There were empty and broken liquor bottles of all shapes and sizes laying everywhere. Most of the broken bottles were concentrated on the floor under the painting I had left for him, like they had been thrown at the wall. The painting appeared to be untouched, which was oddly comforting to see.

It was difficult to see the physical evidence of how bad he had been hurting. There was no way that I could look at the sight before me and not feel anything. I simply could not pack this away somewhere in my mind and not deal with it. It was too much, but I needed the raw emotional confrontation. This is what finally caused my walls to crumble down, forcing me to feel everything at once. The sadness, betrayal, hurt, pain, anger…all of it. I couldn’t hold back the flood of tears any longer. My vision blurred momentarily before the tears started to fall incessantly. I didn’t even bother to wipe them away as I made my way toward Dieter’s bedroom to start packing a bag for him.

If I thought the living room and kitchen were bad, his bedroom was even worse. The bed was completely torn apart, and the frame broken. The nightstands were turned on their sides and the lamps that once set atop them laid in pieces on the floor. The mirror on the dresser was shattered and the drawers and clothes were thrown across the room. There was a hole in the drywall where the headboard used to be and another beside the bathroom door. It felt like I was having an out of body experience, the scene around me looking like it had been pulled straight from a movie.

I stood there for a time; both of my hands placed over my mouth in shock as I looked around the room. I had a hard time reconciling the thoughts of Dieter causing such destruction. This wasn’t him. He wasn’t a violent person. This was the culmination of his pain finally breaking him. My legs suddenly felt weak at that realization. I sank to the floor, continuing to take it all in as the tears fell freely down my cheeks. It was hard to see a space that held so many wonderful memories of us reduced to a pile of rubble. Maybe it had been even harder for him to be reminded of those memories while it was still intact, a caricature of how things used to be.

I don’t know how much time passed before I finally pulled myself up off the floor. I needed to take a breather. I walked back to the living room, where I noticed Dieter's phone still laying on the floor from where he had dropped it. My car keys were on the floor nearby, where I had apparently dropped them in the midst of my rush to get to him. I leaned down to pick up the keys and phone. I figured Gabby may need some of the contact information from his phone to deal with his work stuff, so I didn’t want to forget it. I walked over and plopped down on the couch before setting the two items down on the coffee table next to one another.

The lock screen of the phone lit up, catching my attention. I picked it up for a closer look, realizing the wallpaper was the infamous picture of us that he had posted on Instagram. Except this was the unedited original. It was in color, uncropped, and not blurred with filters. I had never seen this version of it. It almost broke me to see how happy and content we both looked. Even though Dieter’s head was turned slightly, I could still see the rare spark of happiness in his eyes. The crease that he often had between his brows was smooth. It was hard to remember that for a short time we had been blissfully happy. It seemed so long ago now. I realized that I would give anything to go back to that. We both needed the good times, to experience those rare moments of joy, when things didn’t feel like an uphill battle.

I grabbed the comforter that was halfway hanging onto the floor and wrapped it around me as I laid down onto the couch, phone still clutched in my hand. The scent of Dieter’s cologne surrounded me in a comforting embrace as I continued to examine the picture. A low battery alert appeared on screen. I chuckled to myself, thinking how my battery felt low too. I eventually set his phone back down on the table and drifted off to sleep.

I was jolted awake by my cell phone ringing in my back pocket. When I sat up, I realized it was now dark outside. I had been asleep for longer than I had planned to be. It took me a few seconds to work out where I was as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. I quickly stood and fished the phone out of my pocket to see that it was Gabby calling me. She wanted to check in and see how I was doing and if I needed help with any of Dieter’s things. I didn’t, of course. That was something I wanted to deal with on my own, but I appreciated her offer, nevertheless. It felt good to know that I was not alone in all of this, that this time around there were other people close to Dieter and me who understood what was going on.

Gabby went on to share that Alex had called to say the hospital would be releasing Dieter the following morning. She was planning for us to make the seven-and-a-half-hour drive immediately after picking him up. Then she and I would take a flight back to Los Angeles. It was going to be a long day, but it was worth it if it meant he was going to get the help he needed. We made plans for her to pick me up in a rental car and be ready to go first thing in the morning.

Once Gabby and I hung up, I realized I had a text from Aubrey. I had only just realized that I never called into work that today, so I was surprised I had not heard from her sooner.

Aubrey: Lauren called me last night to let me know what was going on. I hope everything is ok. Please take all the time you need, for the both of you. Keep me updated and let me know if you need anything.

I sighed heavily. I seriously did not deserve her or Lauren. They gave me more grace than I deserved sometimes. I fired off a quick update to Aubrey to let her know that both Dieter and I were doing ok and that I would need a couple of days off. She responded immediately to let me know that would be fine.

Since that was off the “to do” list, I decided to pack Dieter’s bag. I pulled up the list that Gabby had sent to me. He was basically limited to three days’ worth of comfortable clothes and nothing else until they considered him to be fully stable. He couldn’t even have his glasses or contacts, something he was definitely not going to be happy about.

I sent a quick text to Gabby reminding her that Dieter would need a phone list since he couldn’t have his phone. I figured she might have a better idea of who needed to be listed on that and that she would probably have most of their numbers. Then, I made my way to his closet, ignoring the mess in the bedroom as best I could. I found that his closet was completely untouched and still somewhat organized. I noticed that half of it was now empty, which reminded me of the conversation we had about making space to keep some of my things there. He had clearly held up to his word on that and never bothered to change it back. I could feel the lump forming in my throat with that thought. I shook my head, dismissing the memory so I could focus on the task at hand.

I quickly grabbed a pair of his gray workout shorts and two pairs of striped pajama pants (that did not have drawstrings) and three plain t-shirts from the shelves. I found his bright green robe and removed the waist belt before adding it to my stack. I had to dig around to find slip on closed toe shoes that didn’t have any metal or laces on them. At the bottom of his shoe pile, I found a pair of black croc clogs that I had never seen him wear, but it’s what he was getting because it was the only pair I could find that met the requirements. After grabbing some of his boxers and socks, I started looking around for a bag. I eventually came across an extra-large tote bag that could barely hold everything. He wasn’t allowed to bring his own toiletries, so I didn’t have to worry about any of that. I quickly ran through the list again making sure I didn’t miss anything. I made a mental note to double check on the phone list with Gabby and get his medications back from the hospital. Other than that, he couldn’t have anything else.         

Before I left Dieter’s house, I collected all the food containers and took out the trash. That was something that needed immediate attention due to the smell alone. The rest would have to wait until I had more time. I wanted to make sure to get everything cleaned up before he came home, whenever that would be. The mess was the last thing he needed to deal with, and he most definitely did not need any reminders of what happened to him.

I collected the tote bag, my phone and Dieter’s, and my car keys before walking out to my car and heading back to my house. After I got home, I gathered a few things I would need for our quick trip, set my alarm, then immediately went to bed. Surprisingly, it didn’t take long for sleep to take me. I was physically and mentally exhausted and I could feel every bit of it.

The morning alarm came quickly. I felt like I had only just dozed off as I sat up in bed, stretching. My head was throbbing, and I could feel that my eyes were still swollen and stinging from all the crying I had done the past two days. I hoped a hot shower would help alleviate the tightness I could feel from the inflammation and ease my aching body. I drug myself up out of bed and took a very long shower. I mostly stood under the hot spray, unmoving, as I stared at the floor. I felt like I needed to mentally prepare myself for whatever the day would bring. I didn’t know what to expect, which left me anticipating all possible outcomes, including the worst-case scenarios. My only hope was that Dieter stayed calm throughout the trip and didn’t change his mind about accepting help before we got him there.  

I spent longer than I should have in the shower, causing me to rush around to get ready. Not that I had planned to put a lot of effort into it anyway because it was definitely a messy bun and sunglasses kind of day. I was glad that I had gotten things ready the night before or else I know that I would have ended up forgetting something. Before I knew it, Gabby was pulling into my driveway. When I got into the car, she handed Dieter’s phone list over to me so she would not forget about it. I added it to his bag before I handed over his cell phone to her.

I could tell she was just as anxious as I was from her tight grip on the steering wheel and tense posture. We hardly said a word to each other during the drive to the hospital. Both of us were clearly deep in thought. The way I felt was almost indescribable. I was anxious and my chest felt tight, but in a different way than before. My head was buzzing as the thoughts raced uncontrollably. I felt hopeful, sad, and angry all at the same time. I was having a hard time wrapping my head around how it had actually come to this. It almost didn’t seem real. I was starting to feel disconnected, like I was watching everything from the outside. I knew that probably wasn’t a good thing, but also felt like it might be the only way I could get through today. I would just have to deal with the consequences of it later.  

When we arrived at the hospital, we found that Alex was already pushing the discharge process along as best he could. He had spent the night with Dieter so he wouldn’t have to be alone. Alex had to be exhausted since he had been at the hospital the entire time. He had the least amount of sleep out of all of us in the past forty-eight hours, so I knew he was ready to crash. Lauren arrived soon after Gabby and me so that she could take Alex home. She had stopped to get us all coffee and breakfast too, which was very much appreciated by all.

Dr. Wilson briefly met with Gabby and I to give us Dieter’s bag full of medication and to go over paperwork. He gave us copies of everything that Sanctuary Hills would need but indicated they had sent electronic copies as well. He let us know that they gave Dieter a sedative thirty-minutes prior because he was still being uncooperative with staff and exhibiting high levels of anxiety. He noted that it should last about eight hours but included another dose with Dieter’s medication in case it was needed. That was not the news that Gabby and I wanted to hear, but we were appreciative that Dieter was given something to calm him down during the trip. We were hopeful that being with us would help him relax some too.

When we were finally able to make our way to Dieter’s room, we found him sitting on the bed picking at the food Lauren had brought for him. It didn’t look like he had eaten much of it. He seemed a little dazed as he sat in silence staring around the room at nothing. Lauren and Alex gave Gabby and I an apprehensive look as our eyes darted between them and Dieter. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but I don’t think this was it. I assumed his behavior was like this because the sedative was kicking in, making him feel out of it while dulling the anxiety.

I walked over to stand next to the bed, reaching out to push Dieter’s hair back out of his eyes, which caused him to focus his attention on me for the first time. He knitted his brows together as he stared at me in silence for a moment. Then he reached up to lightly tug on my shirt, pulling me to sit down beside him. I wrapped my right arm around him as I moved to sit closer to him, then reached up to rub the curls at the nap of his neck. He immediately melted into my side and laid his head on my shoulder, his arms tightening around me. I took a stuttered breath as I fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. He was so fucking pitiful, and it was breaking my heart to see him like that.

After several minutes passed and when I eventually felt like I had my emotions under control, I asked Dieter if he wanted to change clothes and get ready to leave. He nodded slowly against my shoulder. Gabby handed him a set of clothes and the crocs I had gotten from his house as he got up to go toward the bathroom. While we waited for him, a nurse came in with the last bit of paperwork for Gabby to sign off on. By the time he came back out, we were ready to go. Gabby went out ahead of us to get the rental SUV and pull it up to the door. The rest of us made our way downstairs, accompanied by two patient care assistants. They kept a close eye on Dieter the whole way, which made me question what he had been doing to the staff that was so “uncooperative”. I felt like they were expecting him to run off or something.

Once Gabby pulled up, we gave Alex and Dieter some space to say their goodbyes. Alex had placed one of his hands around the back of Dieter’s neck, pulling their foreheads close together as he talked quietly to his older brother. Something about the sight caused Gabby, Lauren, and I to immediately tear up. The intense emotional look that passed between the two of them said so much. Dieter tightly nodded along to whatever his brother was saying before they pulled each other into a warm embrace. After a quick hug from Lauren, Dieter crawled into the back seat of the SUV. He stared at me wide-eyed and unblinking with his sad puppy dog eyes, seeming to be asking a question without words. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile before climbing in to sit next to him as he scooted to the other side.

Dieter sat wringing his hands and staring down at the floor as we waited for Gabby to finish filling Alex in on our plans for the day. I reached over to grab his left hand and he visibly relaxed some. He glanced over at me with a tight smile before turning to stare out the window. He still looked paler than normal. Seeing him in his own clothes made it more apparent that he had lost some weight, which added to his frail appearance. I knew the current sight of him would haunt my dreams for weeks to come.

Soon after we got on the road, I noticed Dieter was having a hard time keeping his eyes open as he leaned his head against the window.

I gave his hand a small squeeze as I eyed him, “You ok?”

“Those fucking drugs they gave me are making it hard to stay awake,” he said flatly without looking my way.

I started rubbing small circles on his hand with my thumb, “Do you wanna lay down?”

His eyes locked with mine in an intense stare, like he was surprised at my words. I moved to grab a small blanket and pillow from behind the seat that Gabby had brought for him. I handed him the blanket and placed the pillow in my lap as he watched me intently. I don’t know why, but I suddenly felt like I was dealing with a scared feral animal from the look he was giving me. I didn’t want to spook him, but I also wanted to make sure I was there for him in the ways he needed. I reached toward him and motioned with my hand for him to lay down. He moved to get comfortable the best he could in the small space, folding his body to fit and putting his head in my lap. He sighed deeply, eyes closing as he tried to make himself comfortable. Once he was situated, I started running my fingers through his hair and lightly scratching at his scalp. It wasn’t long before his breathing changed to deep steady breaths as he fell asleep.

The drive was long and quiet. I could occasionally feel Gabby’s eyes on me in the rearview mirror as I watched Dieter sleep. My thoughts were still quickly cycling through every second of our time together, trying to figure out when things started to get so bad. I had a feeling Gabby could see everything I was feeling written on my face during that drive. She never questioned it though. There were times that I glanced her way and she seemed to be just as deep in thought as I was.

About four hours into the trip, Gabby asked if we should stop for food. Since Dieter was still sleeping, we decided to push through the drive without stopping. I got the feeling that she wanted to get this whole process over with as soon as possible, leaving little room for interruptions or complications. I couldn’t blame her since I was feeling the same way, along with the nagging feeling that the worst part was still to come.          

It turns out, I was right. By the time we reached Sanctuary Hills, the sedative was wearing off. Dieter had woken up about twenty minutes before we got to the facility, and I could tell his anxiety was ramping up. It started with his fingers twitching, and the restless moving of his legs, until he eventually sat up in his seat. His eyes began to drift across everything he could see in the car. Eventually the outside caught his attention as he started to fidget more and wring his hands together again. He refused to take the other pill that Dr. Wilson had sent with us because he was tired of sleeping and how the drug was making him feel.

As we pulled into the parking lot, Dieter’s eyes fixated on the building while he roughly scratched at his chin. I grabbed his hand to make him stop in hopes it would calm him down some. Gabby and I exchanged worried glances in the rearview mirror as she unbuckled her seatbelt. Gabby and I got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side. Gabby pulled Dieter’s door open. He sat staring at me, wide-eyed. He looked terrified. I gave him a tight smile as I reached out my hand for his. He finally relented and took it as he got out. He shuffled slowly behind me as we walked toward the entrance. Gabby grabbed his bag out of the back and quickly caught up to us.

Once we entered the facility, Dieter stood closely at my side with a tight grip on my left hand as he chewed on the thumbnail of his free hand. His head was down, but his eyes were scanning over everything in sight. I tried my best to sooth him and keep him calm while Gabby worked to complete the check in process, occasionally asking him questions for the paperwork she was filling out. He answered quietly, in a barely audible voice, never removing his thumb from his mouth to speak.  

One of the ladies helping with the check in process started to go through Dieter’s bag to check for “contraband” and ensure all of the items were in compliance with the regulations. As she was checking everything, she asked him if he had any jewelry or a cell phone that he needed to turn over to us before Gabby and I left. I felt Dieter tense beside me as his energy changed, from anxious to almost hostile. When I turned to look at him, I could see the panic and anger flashing in his eyes. The inevitable meltdown was finally happening. 

“My phone? You mean I don’t get to keep my fucking phone? No. I didn’t agree to that.”

He started shaking his head frantically from side to side as he backed away from me. I calmly walked over to him and placed both of my hands on his face, softly stroking his patchy beard, in an attempt to calm him as he continued to ramble on.

“How am I supposed to call you without my phone? What if I need you? This place is like a fucking prison. I don’t want to do this.”  

“Dieter, listen to me.”

He finally paused his movements as he stared directly into my eyes. What I saw there made me feel like someone was carving my heart out of my chest with a rusted spoon. I have no idea how I managed to hold it together, but I did.

“You can’t have your phone, but you can use theirs. You have a set phone time to call us. They want you to focus on getting better, so you can’t keep it with you.” 

“A set phone time? I only have your number memorized. Not the others.”

I was momentarily taken off guard by his admission, feeling more emotional than I already had been if that were possible. He obviously wasn’t thinking rationally right now. This wouldn’t be an issue for most people, but Dieter was used to always having his phone to stay connected with those he cared about. It was understandable the absence of that connection would upset him.

“Gabby made you a list of phone numbers so you can call us. It’s in your bag.”

This answer didn’t seem to dampen his anxiety in the slightest, “But I can only call during certain times? What if you don’t answer and I can’t call back?”

“I’ll answer. I promise… and if you need anything between calls, your case worker can call for you if it isn’t something that can wait.”

I could see the tears brimming in his eyes as he continued to stare at me, a pleading expression on his face - either about the phone, his stay, or something else entirely. I was not sure. I tried to keep my face neutral for his sake, but I knew I was failing. My brows drew down together without my permission as my vision blurred slightly from my own tears. He lowered his head and turned away from me, his shoulders shaking slightly from his shallow breathing. He started to clench and unclench his hands at his sides as he moved further away. I quickly wiped at my eyes and glanced over at Gabby and the ladies behind the front desk. They were all staring at the two of us with worry and concern in their eyes. I took a deep breath before walking over to Dieter, pulling him away from the onlookers and enveloping him into a tight hug. I could feel his fingers knotting in the back of my shirt as he spoke through his tears into my neck. “I’m so fucking terrified to do this and I don’t want you to leave me.” I could feel his grip tighten further as he quietly added, “We didn’t get any time to fix things.”

I gently ran my fingers through the back of his hair, “Don’t worry about that, I’ll be right here when you’re done. We can talk about it later. I want you to focus on yourself right now. When you’re better, you’re coming home to me, ok? I’m not going anywhere.”

He slowly pulled back to meet my eyes. He seemed determined now as he searched my face.

“I don’t want to spend another night away from you after this.”

I gave him a genuine smile before leaning my forehead against his and closing my eyes to savor the feeling of him, trying to memorize every little bit of him that I could. I felt a tentative hand cupping my cheek as I opened my eyes to look up at him again. I leaned into his gentle touch, for the first time in months. I had missed it so much more than I realized. I couldn’t help myself. I reached up and entwined my fingers with his hand on my cheek before pulling them to rest between us. I used my other hand to pull him toward me and gently placed a kiss on his lips.

The way his face lit up as a few more tears slid down his cheeks made my heart clench. He didn’t hesitate to reach up with both hands and pull me in for a second and third kiss before briefly resting his forehead against mine, the physical intimacy that we had to do without for months seeming to ground him a little. He took a deep steady breath as he backed away.  “Alright, let’s get this shit over with.”

Dieter’s mood shift was surprising and also a relief. He seemed to be having a moment of clarity, which I took full advantage of as I pulled him over toward Gabby so that he could help her finish with his paperwork. Things went much faster after that than I expected. Before we knew it, we were saying our goodbyes. He didn’t let go of my hand until he absolutely had to. He still looked sad, but seemed in better spirits than he was when he arrived. I was thankful for that since it made it more bearable for everyone involved.

Gabby and I had to hurry to catch our flight. We had just enough time to turn in the rental and grab a small snack as we rushed through the airport. We didn’t talk much on our way home. The topic of her brother seemed to be off limits for the both of us, as an unspoken agreement. We were both so drained from the events of the last few days that we needed a break from it. I could tell she was appreciative of having me there though. It was obvious in the small smiles and gentle hand squeeze she would randomly give me during our journey.

By the time I finally made it back to my house, I was running on empty. It was late and all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, but I somehow mustered up the energy to take a quick shower to wash the day of travel away. After that, it didn’t take long before I was out.

In the days that followed, I spent my time cleaning up the disaster that was Dieter’s house. I ended up having his bedroom furniture hauled off since several pieces were broken. It wasn’t worth the effort to try and fix them. Once that project was done, I didn’t have much else to do besides work and I did that from home. I did make an effort to spend time with Gabby and Lauren when I felt up to it. I felt it was important to work on my relationship with them since I had been so absent recently, and I didn’t want to risk isolating myself again as I was trying to cope with things. 

After a week had passed, nothing could take my mind off the fact that Dieter hadn’t called me. I was worried that he was starting to realize how badly I had handled this whole situation on my end. He was the one that ended things, but I had made zero effort to fight for us. I had let him go like it was nothing. I would expect him to be hurt by that. Gabby assured me that he hadn’t called because he was having a hard time coming off of his medication and wasn’t feeling up to much phone time. What little he had called to speak with her was to get things sorted out for work and those conversations only lasted a few minutes. She said it was obvious by the way he sounded that he wasn’t feeling well. The case worker told Gabby that he was having some withdrawal symptoms after the first few days of decreasing his medication dosages and he was having a hard time with it. I knew that was most likely the case, but that still didn’t keep the doubts from creeping in, imagining worst case scenarios.

It was nearly two weeks after we had dropped Dieter off at Sanctuary Hills when I got a surprise visit from Alex. He awkwardly greeted me as he walked through the doorway carrying a very large parcel wrapped in brown paper. I eyed it quizzically as he maneuvered it into the living room.

“What is this?”

“Dieter asked me to bring this to you that night I stayed with him at the hospital. I’m sorry, I’m just now getting around to it. He sent a not so polite reminder through Gabby about it yesterday.” 

“I take it you haven’t talked to him either then?”

Alex sighed as he shook his head, “No, not yet. Gab said he’s still kind of a mess right now because of the medication changes. She mostly talks to his case worker, I think.”

I nodded in understanding. Knowing that he hadn’t reached out to Alex either did offer some reassurances that it wasn’t just me. It hurt me beyond words to know that he was having such a hard time with the medication changes. I hoped, for his sake, that it did not last much longer. 

Alex moved to hand me the large parcel he was holding. I took it as I gave him a questioning look. I noticed his eyes lit up slightly before he gave me a smirk.

“It’s the painting from the art fundraiser.”

I knitted my brows together as I took it from him, ripping the front of the paper to reveal the painting that had turned me into an emotional mess that night. Once I had it completely unwrapped, I set it against the wall and stepped back to look at it. I realized there was something very familiar about the two figures.

More after the image

I turned to Alex, who still had the same smirk on his face, “I don’t understand. How did he know about the painting?”

His smirk slowly turned into a wide smile, “He painted it. He wanted to surprise you with it that night, but obviously that didn’t work out…”

I put my hand to my mouth, gasping audibly. Now I understood the reason I felt drawn to it that night. The two figures were us. I could feel the tears prickling at the corners of my eyes, threatening to make their escape.

“I don’t understand, when did he have time to do this? We were together constantly before he left for Canada.”

Alex moved to stand next to me, “He started it right after he got back from New York. He took a break when he went to film that movie in Mallorca but picked it up again when he got back…before he found you again.”

I chuckled in disbelief, “Well this certainly adds a whole other layer of feelings that I wasn’t expecting.”

“I know he did a lot of it at night, when he couldn’t sleep. He told me he couldn’t get you out of his head. I’m pretty sure he fell in love with you that first night you spilled your drink all over him. He wouldn’t stop talking about you, so I encouraged him to look you up. I don’t think I’ve ever in my life seen him so nervous to do something,” Alex let out a small laugh at the memory.

I didn’t even try to hold the tears back after that. How could I? It said so much about Dieter’s feelings. Alex glanced over at me, realizing my emotional state. He put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me in for a gentle side hug.

“This is the first painting he’s done in years…just so you know. You definitely woke up something inside of him. We could all see it. I really hope you two can make it work once he gets out of that place. I think you’re good for each other.”

I was taken aback by Alex’s candor regarding his brother. His words were so unexpected given how quiet and shy he always was around me. I appreciated the fact that he felt comfortable enough to open up to me some.

“I’m not sure how much I’m supposed to tell you, but fuck it, you should know. The nickname he gave you, and that phrase… la estrella del norte, la luz en la oscuridad…that’s something our mother used to say to our father. So, to me and Gabby, it’s a big deal that he used that. We’ve never heard him say it to anyone before.”

I couldn’t help the way my face scrunched up at his words. I was one hundred percent about to ugly cry. I put my hand over my eyes to hide it as Alex pulled me in for a tight hug.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said into the top of my hair.

“No, I’m not upset. This is a happy cry. It’s just…touching, I guess. I didn’t know that. This is a lot of information to take in and process. Thank you for telling me. I really needed this right now.”

Alex backed away and gave both of my shoulders a gentle squeeze and offered a small smile.

“Well, I won’t keep you any longer. Let Lauren know when you're free and feeling up to it and we can grab some dinner, yeah?”

I nodded and gave him a small smile as I walked him to the door.

After Alex left, I sat down on the floor in front of the painting, taking in every paint stroke. To the casual observer, it was probably just a nice painting of a couple in an embrace under the night sky. I, however, understood the subtle symbolism of the fog and darkness that surrounded the man, but not the woman and the bright star placed just above the woman in the background. The fact that something so simple could say so much was amazing to me. It had me feeling every emotion all at once.

I could not believe the origin of the nickname he had given me, or that he had started working on the painting well before he found me again. I always felt like there was more to the name, but I was not expecting that. He obviously had strong feelings toward me from the start. Looking back, I could no longer justify my reasoning for not being with him from the beginning. I hated that we had missed out on all of that time together.

I had a lot of thoughts swirling through my head that evening. I spent more time than I probably should have staring at that painting, but it was forcing me to process things that I had been avoiding. By the time I finally pulled myself up from the floor, I was mentally and physically exhausted. I went to bed after that and suffered through a night of restless sleep.

Sixty days after Dieter entered Sanctuary Hills, Gabby received a call from him, after mostly only communicating with his case worker over the past two months. He asked her to attend an in-person family counseling session there at the facility. She immediately agreed and got it scheduled. The day it happened; I was an anxious mess while I awaited news about the visit. He still hadn’t called me, or anyone else for that matter. We didn’t really understand why, but his case worker assured us that he was making progress and doing well. He was trying hard to focus on getting better and working through things a little at a time. He was very focused on his healing journey and doing everything that was asked of him. It was hard for me to understand it, being so far away and consumed by worries, but I was proud of him just the same. I was excited to know he was finally requesting to see his family and was hopeful that was a positive sign. 

As it got later into the evening, I was beginning to get concerned since I hadn’t heard from Gabby yet. She had promised to call when she left Sanctuary Hills. I sent her a few texts but did not get a response. I was about to try giving her a call when I heard a knock at the door. I was surprised to see that it was Gabby. The look on her face made my stomach drop. The fact that she hadn’t called and was now showing up with this look on her face couldn’t be a good sign. There was no greeting. She jumped right to the point, “Talia, I’m sorry to just show up, but can we talk? I don’t know who else to talk about this with and I need to talk about it.”

“Yeah, come in.”

We both walked over and sat on the couch. My hands were already fidgeting as the nerves and anticipation quickly built up. Every scenario running through my mind was scary and I wasn’t sure I could handle whatever it was she was about to say. Gabby immediately burst out into sobs. I pulled her into a hug as I tried to suppress my own panic.

“Gabby, I need for you to tell me what’s going on before I have a fucking stroke over here,” I said into her hair. She sighed heavily before pulling away to look at me.

“Dieter told me what happened that night, with mom. I wasn’t prepared for it. I can’t believe he kept that to himself all these years and it fucking kills me that I didn’t do more to support him in dealing with it. I didn’t know he was the one who found her. I always thought it was one of the workers.”

Her sobs continued as I digested her words. I felt instant relief that it wasn’t something worse, something I didn’t know of yet, but at the same time my heart broke for her. I know it had to be hard for her to hear. Hell, it was hard for me to hear.

“I’m sorry, no one else knows about it. I didn’t know who else I could talk to about it. He told me that you knew… I just needed a minute to fall apart and process it before I go home.”

“Hey, take all the time you need. I know it’s a lot to digest,” I said as I rubbed gentle circles on her back. 

“I just wished he would have opened up sooner and shared that burden with me. Maybe he wouldn’t have gotten so bad if he had. I should have tried harder to make him talk to me about it.”

“Gabby, I don’t think it would have mattered what you said to him. He wasn’t gonna talk until he was ready.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right. I just feel terrible that I didn’t know. I don’t think anyone did. I bet dad didn’t even know.”

After a few minutes of silence, she seemed to pull herself together. She reached over to grab my free hand and gave it a gentle squeeze as she smiled up at me.

“He looks so good though…healthy and alert. I really think the treatment is helping. He’s expressing his feelings so well…I - I’m honestly not sure I’ve ever heard him talk that much about how he feels.”

I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face as happy tears slid down my cheeks.

“He said he’s gonna call you soon. He’s nervous to talk to you for some reason and embarrassed about this whole thing. I told him he didn’t need to be, but you know how he is. He misses you though, I could tell. I lost track of how many times he asked about you.”

I reached up with both hands to wipe the tears from my face. It was comforting to know that he was thinking about me. I knew it was selfish of me to think that way because he should be focusing on himself, but I would be lying if I said it didn’t make me feel better about things.

Gabby didn’t share much more of what they had talked about. Some of it was things he wanted to talk to me about himself, so I didn’t want to push for more details. Once she finally felt composed, she left for home. She had had a long day of travel and was exhausted.

She and I had gotten so close in the last two months. We had been spending a lot of our free time together, along with Lauren and Alex. It truly felt like I was part of a family with them. I loved that she was now comfortable enough with me to share her feelings openly. It was something we had all been doing since Dieter had been away. Even Alex had opened up more. Even though what had happened to Dieter was devastating, there was a silver lining in it. It had brought us all closer together. We were stronger for it and ready to welcome him home to all the support he could possibly need.

The next morning, I had just finished making a quick breakfast when my cell phone started ringing. When I glanced over at the illuminated screen, I saw it was a Tucson, Arizona number. I had waited two months to see this number appear on the screen. My breath immediately caught in my throat as my eyes teared up. I briefly hesitated to answer as the nerves took hold. After a deep breath I hit the answer button and raised the phone to my ear.

“Hello?”

“Talia?”

A/N: Y'all still with me? How are you feeling after that one? Progress? Maybe? As I have said before, digital art is not one of my strengths, but hopefully what I attempted to do gives you an idea of what I see in my head for Dieter's painting. Again, this one looks better in my head too. LOL! Wasn't that a sweet moment between Talia and Alex though? Also, that moment between Dieter and Alex hit me in the feels too. Then of course, the whole of the Dieter and Talia interactions in this chapter. Poor Gabby... now she knows everything. So many feels in this one! Aaaahhh!😭 Next chapter our dear Dieter and Talia will be reunited in a controlled setting to work through their issues together. It will probably be another rough one. We will get Dieter's official diagnosis and with that you will get a Deconstructing Dieter Bravo post. We will get some details on Talia's past which will also include a Today's Musings post for supplemental reading. So, you will get all sorts of goodies with the next chapter. 😉 In case you missed it, I have included the mood board for this chapter below. Last but not least, a huge thank you to my wonderful beta, @for-a-longlongtime. Seriously, it wouldn't be as good without her feedback. As always, please share your thoughts and theories. You know I'm a sucker for them. 💜

Next Chapter

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[yuseirra]

This is a feeling I've been getting for a long time and it was actually brought up in 162,

Remember how Aqua was very depressed, finding no point in his life during Ai's funeral, but he suddenly started latching onto this idea that his father must have been the killer, and decided he can't die yet?

I feel what's happened to Kamiki may have been the same thing. When I look at him, with his personality and how mild he used to be, he really would have lost all his will to go on living after Ai's passing. He literally could not live with her gone. I really do feel that he would have followed her if nothing happened. But he's also like, "I can't die yet",(162) "before that(I die) there's something I should-"(147)

Those two boys go through a very similar thought process after Ai's death, they do parallel each other.

What is it that's made them go on living? Was that a natural flow of thought that they went through? I feel like...; with the lyrics of Fatal mentioning about the "darkness of the black star"... Something influenced them into believing that way. It made Aqua very convinced he should take revenge on his dad(tbh, the idea he had isn't so logical and it turned out to be really flawed. His dad never wanted Ai to die and he also got so devastated), it also made Kamiki go on living, but in a way he wouldn't have been as his original kind self. This doesn't feel like just a coincidence to me. Neither had them the will to live, but they suddenly turn pretty disastrous and aggressive, and keep going but in a twisted direction. The anime illustrates Aqua's change of heart in a very impressive way too, wasn't this when he got his first black star eyes? So what is up with the "eyes"? According to the lyrics, stars "dwell" in people's eyes. Doesn't this mean both Aqua and his dad got either taken over or influenced by it?

What was the point of having Aqua go against his father if this is? There were crows drawn in the anime sequence when this happened, why do I feel like Tsukuyomi may have to do with this? I do get the idea that she wanted Kamiki gone although that's not an idea with a solid base, I do believe she wanted Aqua to go through with the revenge and thus help out with the movie and advise him and Ruby regarding destiny though. She's also the one who told Ruby about Kamiki having been near the hospital with Ryosuke but that's...different from what he says himself. I believe his testimony on that because why would he hang with a murderer that killed the doc who helped deliver his children for years?;; It doesn't make sense. That's why I felt so relieved when that part about Gorou came up. Aqua doesn't really refute that idea in a strong way either, if he's the one that's murdered his past self, I think he should have reacted more towards it? It's like that time how Aqua didn't react as much when Kamiki said he killed Ai. If that were to be the truth, it should really have invoked a stronger type of reaction within him. Instead, he moves on to talk about Ruby. It's actually pretty similar to how things played out in 154, the way he just went on to show him Ai's video even after a statement like that. Aqua is like that BECAUSE Kamiki isn't responsible for Gorou's death, in a clear way at least. But he still doesn't believe his intent and deems he wants to kill people, he must be that evil person who manipulated people.

Tsukuyomi is the one other person who brings forth that idea, I'm not saying she's EVIL, but I do believe she has a strong idea of what Kamiki is as an individual. I guess I need more bits and pieces, but I wonder what her true motives are. There's still this idea of a god who loves absurdity and unreasonableness, and I think that one should be important seeing how absurd the things in this manga can get sometimes. The closest thing I see in the manga that's like it seems like "the black star", and it's only reasonable to tie something that's already been discussed instead of something entirely new if they're going to mention of an entity that significant.. From what I see, the stars do seem to grant its users some type of effect and powers. That's what they're starting to finally touch in ch 160 and it's really about time;;

Does Tsukuyomi have to do with one, then? At least, she should know about it to some degree since she's the "god".

This post can't have a conclusion because nothing is left explained so well but, maybe we can get there if we look into this strongly enough.

[undiscovered-horizon]

Hi there! Could we see a touch starved!reader x The Doctor? Whichever Doctor you would want, but I admit I am biased to 11 hehe.

I really enjoyed your fic ‘Keep blessing me’, as someone who is plus size, I rarely see myself represented in media positively.

I can imagine reader being the type of person who is overlooked often, never been desired romantically and feels like she has been forgotten by the universe. She yearns to be held and feel safe but she also feels unworthy. She definitely is majorly pining for The Doctor but doesn’t allow herself to dwell much on it. Maybe he feels the same way?

[TW: negative self-talk, referenced/implied depression]

"Stone walls" - 11th Doctor x touch starved!Reader

Doctor Who-inspired playlist

Should you ask anyone who has taken part in some kind of competition at least once in their life, they will always say the same thing: the fourth place is the worst. Right under the podium, a hair's breadth away from being someone and yet they are nothing more than a mockery, the line separating memory and oblivion. Taking into account the series of unfortunate events you call your life, you were born in fourth place.

It was never anything explicit and perhaps that was the worst part. Had there been a groundbreaking revelation, a true calamity of heartache, you would have accepted it but it was that silence that sucked the life out of you. It wasn't that someone told you they hated you, it was that you were never chosen, drifting away on the waves of silence into the ocean of oblivion. Although you were born into this world, it never felt like you truly were part of it. Perhaps, all of existence was happening next to you or existence, to put it simply, refused to make you part of itself.

And then there was him - the Doctor, always scoring first place, always showered in gold medals and trophies because, truthfully, why wouldn't he? There was no way of telling how many catastrophes he had prevented, how many lives he had already saved. By his tireless service to the entire universe, it seemed as though he was born for this, to always be a winner. And the stories he told! How he had befriended so many species, how many hearts were offered to him that he had turned down. It was quite bittersweet, that you were so different and yet you were alive in the same universe.

Truthfully, you still didn't quite understand what ungodly whim made you his "partner in crime". The longer you were around him, the more you grow to understand just how not alike you were as if his brilliancy made you painfully aware of your mediocrity. Your place wasn't with him, quite obviously - he deserved someone better; someone you could never become. Maybe it would be better to leave soon, on your own, than have him grow impatient and simply throw you out. It wasn't the way you wanted to remember him, angry and annoyed, so you thought it best to relieve both of you of your underwhelming existence as soon as possible.

"You don't have to do this alone."

His voice caught you off guard. Has he been here this whole time? How long had he been staring at you, waiting for you to finally do something?

You turned around to look at him. The Doctor was leaning against the console, his arms crossed on his chest. By all accounts, it seemed that he had been standing there for quite a while, pondering whether he should speak up.

"I'm not sure what you mean," you answered with a slight shake of your head.

For a moment, he didn't say anything. His bright, green eyes stared into you as if he was waiting for something but you couldn't be sure what for exactly. After a while of silence, he left his spot to make his way towards you. His rhythmic footsteps echoed throughout the otherwise empty TARDIS.

"I'm not sure either," he spoke in a mild tone, "but I can tell something turned you sour. Whatever it is, you don't have to do this alone."

The Doctor gently wrapped his lanky arms around you, while you didn't quite know what to do. The moment he tightened his grip around you, something heavy inside your viscera pulled you towards the ground. You grabbed his tweed jacket with as much force as you could possibly muster. It felt as if the moment you let go of the coarse material, your whole body would simply fall apart. That gaping hole in your chest you tried your best to ignore suddenly felt deeper like a beast whose insatiable appetite only grows as it devours. This hunger or whatever it really was felt absolutely awful, so painful it coursed through your veins and filled your entire body with suffering. The Doctor gently shifted his body and your hands only tightened their grip on him as if there was no greater horror in this universe than him letting go of you.

"Just hold me," you whispered. "I'm lonely."

And he did just that.

Sometimes you thought about that one time you had asked the Doctor whether he slept. Truthfully, you never did see him sleep and somehow he was always full of energy. Did Time Lords not need rest? They were, after all, a very exceptional sort of aliens. In response, he only looked at you with a confused expression. "Why would I?" he asked, "It's eight more hours without you." You never did believe them but then, when the fourth place and the first place were equals for a moment, you thought that perhaps he did, in fact, mean them.

[lifewithchronicpain]

At a time when the recreational use of ketamine is coming under more scrutiny from law enforcement after the death of actor Matthew Perry, a new study highlights its potential value as a treatment for fibromyalgia pain.

Ketamine is an anesthetic drug that is only FDA-approved for depression and anesthesia. But in recent years ketamine infusions are increasingly being used “off-label” for severe chronic pain conditions such as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS).

In a small systematic review (a study of studies), researchers in Brazil found that ketamine infusions were safe and effective in relieving fibromyalgia pain. The review was small – just 6 clinical trials involving 115 patients – because ketamine has rarely been considered as a treatment for fibromyalgia due to its potency. Ketamine infusions require constant medical supervision because they put patients into a temporary dream-like state that can lead to hallucinations and out-of-body experiences.

But the Brazilian researchers found the side effects from infusions were mild and short-term, with some fibromyalgia patients experiencing pain relief that lasted for days or weeks.

Fibromyalgia is a poorly understood condition that causes widespread body pain, fatigue, insomnia, brain fog and mood disorders. The FDA has approved only three medications for fibromyalgia, two antidepressants (Cymbalta and Savella) and a nerve drug (Lyrica), but many patients consider them ineffective.

Could ketamine be another option?