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chisaiyume · 2 months ago

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Why I Refuse to Date a Hmong Guy

Disclaimer: (1) This might not make a difference, but I am Hmong. (2) This is my opinion based on my experiences. (3) Might be triggering but I will not be dropping names.

Family Link/Affiliation:

Long story short, everyone seems to know everyone in the Hmong community, but it could just be me. On my father’s side, we are affiliated with the Moua and the Lor. On my mom’s side, we are affiliated with the Vang and Lee. And through marriage links with the others as well.

So, it is very common that when you start dating another Hmong person, the first thing the elders do is start tracing the family connections. Eventually, you find out that your boyfriend is your nephew or cousin. And by no means, do I mean blood related, but the way the community works, titles are also determined by marriage [i.e. my sister is technically married to our “nephew” – sadly my sister is now his aunty taking care of a man-child instead of being his wife. Again, my opinion].

Best case scenario and by some miracle…you have to family connection. Worst case scenario is you do and then break up. Just remember, that he/she might be at every family event [or if you are like me and hate going to those then you will be fine].

This is just a personal thing, but I hate when the first question his parent(s) ask me is “Who are your parents?” It also creeps me out when I realize I am dating my “nephew” or my “brother.” It is just gross. Creeps me out and makes the hair on my body stand up.

Tradition:

Most of the time, people will always tell how the admire my culture because we are so kind and family orientated. But it only looks like daisies and roses from the outside. But living in it and through it as a woman sucks!

The tradition is that the man is the law and the only goal and success for a woman is to marry said man and give him babies. Growing up, that idea was drilled into me. If it was not for my dad, advocating and pushing me to get an education, I think I would have been married at 20 years of age and have about 6 babies by now. What is even worst is that once you are in your late 20’s and have not gotten married yet, you are considered too old or you are no longer desired by men as a potential partner.

But anyways, I digress. Traditionally, once you are married to this said Hmong man [regardless of how much you want to believe that he is not a traditional man…girl…just wait until he marries you], you will have so many rules to follow.

You are not allowed to visit your family or hang out with your friends without his permission or even at time without him being with you

It is your job to do all the housework and to not only take of your kids and him, but also any of his family members that are currently living with you [oh yeah….it is tradition to live with his family]

Children are a must!

Your husband has the final say in everything and he makes the rules.

Even if he is emotionally or/and physically abusive, you are at fault because you must be doing something wrong. And do not even speak to the elders or your parents because divorce will bring dishonor to your family, therefore, you will always be told to fix your attitude or behavior so that he does not have to “correct/discipline” you.

And that people! Is the side of the culture that no one wants to talk about or tell people about. As a woman you are brought up to be inferior and taught that if you are being abused, it is mostly likely that you do not have enough patience to accommodate him or you are doing something wrong. You are told that the man you marry, no matter how disgusting his behavior is…it is mostly likely because you, as the woman, did something wrong or you are not doing enough to keep him happy. Because you are the “lucky one” to have been chosen by the Hmong man to be his wife.

My Mom:

So, my mom is a well-known shaman. A lot of my trauma stems from her and the fact that she became a shaman was even worst. The moment she became a shaman her ego and narcissism went through the roof.

But her narcissism is not the reason why I refuse to date Hmong men. It is the assumption and expectation that men hold me to, just because I am the daughter of this well known, well liked, shaman [also has a lot to do with the lies that she tells people about the inner working of our family]. Everyone thinks that because she is a shaman and tradition, then that means, I, her daughter, is this timid and traditional girl that will bend to the well of a man [granted I will only submit to a man, who is worthy of my submission].

This also means that every man approaches me with ulterior motives. It is either they think I am easy or they just want the fame and notary of dating the shaman’s daughter [another thing about the culture that no one really knows. Being known and being seen as superior/better is a trait that is highly desired and sought after. It is all about having “face” and being able to throw it into other people’s face].

And because she is the reason for 99% of my trauma, the fact that these men always warm up to her and complaints her, is a huge turn off. Especially when she is the reason why they wanted to talk to me in the first place.

Past Relationship/Experience:

Let us take a quick trip through my dating life with these men. Again, I will not be dropping names, but I will use first name initials only. And by some miracle, people that I know read this…please remember that it is my side and my perspective. The truth of the situation is most likely somewhere between my perspective and his.

Boyfriend #1 – So, K and I dated in middle school…although I do not even know if this counts as dating. But anyways, this relationship was not my worst. I mean, we did not go out at all. We were still middle schoolers and at the time my grandma had remarried, we recently moved, my dad was in the middle of dialysis, and I was taking on the responsibility of taking care of my 4 younger siblings. But anyways…one day I get a call. And it is from one of his friends. The friend proceeds to tell me that he has always liked me and that I should break up with K and date him instead. Then, at school the next day, his friend [not the guy from the phone] comes up to me and tells me, “K doesn’t want to be with you anymore.” And that was the end of that relationship. We did end up meeting many years later and he did try to get back with me, but I was just so over him that it was a no.

Boyfriend #2 – K and I [yes…a different K] were in the talking phase, when I found out that he hit on my friend first and was rejected, before taking his shot at me. At the time I did not know but I eventually realize that I was not into him and broke it off. After a few years, we did reconnect, but honestly, it was my fault in thinking that the second time would be different. I did find out a few things about him after the fact…which would have been huge deal breakers for me. Biggest one, is talking down to people and talking to people as if he is better than them.

Boyfriend #3 – I have a confession…I do not even remember the name of this man. Sorry. But he was some Minnesota Hmong singer that was singing at a New Year’s party that my parents were attending. I was pretty much pushed to dance with this guy because they dedicated a song as a thank you to him and he needed a partner to dance with. He was nice, but then my mother had to open her trap and tell me that, during the whole entire party he was making eyes are her and how disappointed he was when he realized she was married….and then!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies and gentlemen…. this man, then tells me that he thought I was super pretty like mom!!!!!!!! I dropped that man so fast, that he complained to some relative and then the next thing I know, my mom is wining about why I stopped talking to him.

Boyfriend #4 – M was introduced to me, by my mom. M was one of her co-workers. We met towards the end of my collage years and I was in the process of finalizing my plans to student teach in Japan. I had already put in my application for my passport and was awaiting to hear back from a school in Japan to accept a student teacher. When everything was approved, I was so excited and I told him that hey…I will be away in another country from about 3 months. He did not like this idea and said it was either him or Japan. I chose Japan!

Boyfriend #5 – V was also introduced by my mom [you are going to hate me or even think that maybe I am an idiot for allowing this person to keep introducing people to me…and I am sorry…I did learn my lesson…I promise…eventually…after a couple of more mistakes]. V turned out to be a convicted felon. Gave him the opportunity to come clean and asked if we were to continue the relationship would be leave his “boys” to live a better life. He said no. So that was the end of that relationship.

Boyfriend #6 – R was someone I met on my own. It was also the worst relationship that I ever got myself into looking back at it. It is also the relationship that I beat myself up for and have learned the most from. I was used as his rebound. He knew exactly what to say and I hate myself for believing it and eventually giving him my first time. He is the one that taught me that men who is all about lip-service and no action do not love you nor do they respect you. They are just using you to fulfil a void or use you temporarily until they lose interest. I did all the heavy lifting in the relationship. I was the one driving to Milwaukee to see him. I was the designated driver for him and his drunk friends. I was his booty call…his emotional support pet…his make him feel better toy. After being used…he broke up with me over Facebook messenger. And avoided my calls when I called him because he was ignoring my messages. I gave him two days…after the second day, I cut my lost, deleted all affiliations with him, and started to heal myself. Did we meet up again? Yes…and I wish I should have let my brother beat his ass. But I did not. And I promise myself that, that will be the very last time, I will be kind to him.

Boyfriend #7 – Again, do not know the guy’s name because he was introduced to me by my mom [I know…this is the last one!] But this was the second time I started talking to him because we were introduced prior but stopped talking completely because he wanted to focus on his schooling [yes schooling…he is 4 years younger than me, lives in Thailand, and at that time we first met he was still finishing up his schooling]. The second time we talked, I was a very different woman than I was back then. After speaking with him, I was just not into him. And knowing what kind of men, my mother was trying to introduce to me, I found out that (1) he is now divorced, (2) has a young daughter, (3) his ex-wife drained his bank account prior to leaving him, and (4) he is now trying to find a woman to “love” him…I was not going to lower myself anymore, so I put a stop to that…so I guess technically….he was not a boyfriend.

So safe to say…Hmong men has not made a good impression on me. I am at a point where I might be interested in a guy, but the moment I find out that he is Hmong, my interest immediately goes negative. Now does that mean every Hmong man is like this…maybe no…but I am skeptical because until I meet one, I will not believe it. And ladies, this is just my opinion and preference. If you found yourself a wonder Hmong man, then I am happy for you…but they are just not for me.

Remember, I am just a woman sharing her opinion and experiences. I am open to having a conversation if you would like to.

#life #Why I Refuse to Date Hmong Men #Hmong Men #relationship post #hmong life #hmong woman's opinion

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