#refle

[hashimablog]

ɢʀᴀɴᴅᴇs ʀᴇᴄᴏᴍᴘᴇɴsᴀs.

[suicide-satory7]

And you have already found out who you are. I've been in this search for 7 years and I still don't know who I am in any sense...I still don't know myself...I wonder if one day I will....

[artposilipo]

[todabiblia1anio]

¡Dios quiere hablate hoy! 🙌🏼

[bracketsoffear]

The Festering (Guy N. Smith) "A couple move to the English countryside to escape urban life. Their plumbing is dodgy, so they have well dug in their garden. Unfortunately, an ancient, diseased corpse was buried there, and the lads who dig the well end up contracting the disease.

This disease causes you to grow disgusting boils all over and to leak stinking pus and slime from every orifice. It also increases sexual and aggressive urges. Those who get sick end up going on violent rampages and end up as a rancid puddle of noisome muck."

The Bridegroom (Ingeborg Refling Hagen) "A tragic romance novel set in Norway at the onset of the Black Death. The protagonist, Elise, is in love with a fiddler, Erik Ekset, and plans to meet him at the midsummer festivities. When he does not arrive, she waits for him until the news of the plague comes -- and the plague comes with it, killing her family. Distraught, Elise sets out to find her beloved and journeys through a nightmare of plague-stricken countryside, and she dies trying to find his grave.

Strong themes associating disease with music, love, and community throughout -- the plague first strikes at a wedding with a dead fiddler arriving in a cart pulled by a pale horse, and the bride -- now bereaved -- appears again near the end, inconsolable."

[iryonin]

#. IRYONIN, SAKURA — personals don't reblog.

[wooataes]

hi hi, big fan of Real Eyes, Fake Lies, and all your other work as well. I've constantly been checking for an update, so i'm glad to finally see you're back!! і hope the little break was refreshing and that your holidays have been well <3

I'm excited for what's to come in the next chapters! I've been feeling iffy about Ji-ah for some time, and her sudden change in demeanor has me skeptical even more so. someone please slap some sense into Jihoon. can't wait for more!!

and also, A Wilted Rose has me screaming at the way Jihoon is (painfully) slowly acting like a husband, even if it's just to protect Y/N. i hope he comes to the realization that it’s okay to actually BE A HUSBAND.

here we have me reading both stories, screaming

and here is me PLEADING for more

Oh my goodness you’re way too sweet 😭

Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so glad you’re enjoying my stories 🫶🏼 I don’t have the heart to write Ji-ah as a bad person so I’m glad that people still understand the intentions I have for her 😁 but I do agree some sense needs to be knocked into jihoon 100% but I’m all about the slow burn 😂

Thank you for loving a wilted rose too!! I have a lot more ideas for little drabbles for this one so stay tuned! 🫶🏼

-tae 💜🌸✨

Chat to me about anything and everything ✨

[writingtohealmytrauma]

5/4/24

she left me 2 months ago and the pain is still so real and unbearable. 8 years of our life gone, she is now a stranger we dont talk, i want to talk so bad but she wants to move on and asked us not to message i want to talk to her everyday but i need to respect her decision's she still hasnt blocked me and i cant bring myself to block her number, not that it would do any good as i know her number off by heart, i managed to get the strength to archive our conversations so im not constantly seeing her name and our life everytime i message someone, i had been messaging her out of desperation and longing for connection with her and i can see by the read reciepts that she is seeing my message but choosing not to respond and it just hurts so much that this is clearly what she really wants and she is trying her hardest to get over me and us.

she tells me "We pushed it as far as we could" in reality she pushed it as far as she wanted. she tells me that she wants to have a family and she doesnt see a future with us after 8 years so she needs to leave me and find someone else to have a family with. she's 26 and wants to have kids before 30? so she cant waste any more time with us. i spent my life serving her, but it wasnt enough. i gave her everything. i literally made her breakfast and dinner every day for 3 years to prove my love to her, i flew her business class around the world i showed her a life she never dreamed off. i was there every day when she got home waiting to hear about her day, i ALWAYS made and had time for her always. she was my purpose i lived to serve her. all i ever wanted was to marry her, everyone use to have a go at me saying "why dont you marry her?" "hurry up and put a ring on her finger" like i was the problem? she was the one that would never commit. all i wanted was a family and life with her. I know her past trauma's have played a huge part in all of this, she come from a very broken family and has carried alot of trauma her whole life that she refused to deal with and that leaked into our relationship in so many ways. i truly believe if she had of dealt with her passed issues we would stil be here. she was not the only one to blame i also brought issues to the table but i have worked and turned myself out inside as a person to try and fix/overcome these and i feel i really did. she had an avoidance schema which was a real issue she would always run and shut off from us whenever things were hard, my mind is constantly telling me she was overwhelmed and her avoidance schema kicked in and thats why she ended it as there was no good reason to end it, weeks before she ended it she was telling me that she was finallly ready to get engaged after 8 years?? im so confused? I worry that she has realised this was an overreaction to a minor problem but her pride is stopping her from saying hey this is blown out of proportion can we try and fix this?? i would come running! i'd lay my life down to fix this, what ever it took whatever love she needed it is hers. I worry by the time she comes to this conclusion i will have moved on, not because i wanted to but because the pain is to great and i dont want to take my own life from grief. does one ever truly move on? will i still think about her in years too come? there is that weird sense of hope that we will get back together but i cant hold onto that. when we first started dating she saw a psychic (I dont believe in that stuff) but he told her that she was going to meet her partner and they would be together for life like penguins and that she would have twins with them. over the years i truly believed that and i made that a promise to myself that she was my penguin and that we would be together forever and have twins and i held onto that promise for so long, that promise got me through the hardest time in our relationship and now i feel its been broken it makes me sick to think that im not her penguin and some other man might be? she will have twins and a family with another man? makes me want to curl up and die.

It hurts so much that she wants to move on she couldnt do it anymore 8 years, meant nothing i know she wasnt in it for a long time i just kept pushing and pushing and exhuasting myself trying to fix it, i knew in the back of my mind that it was over a long time ago and that we wouldnt work in the future. she was my best friend though and the only family ive ever had all i wanted was to serve her and love her but there was always this twisted gut feeling in my stomach everytime i thought about our future, not from fear just uncertainty. we broke up once before for a short period of time and she bought someone back to our house within a couple days of us breaking up my mind reels at the thoughts of who she is with now who she is seeing.

**DREAM

I had a dream last night that we met up and i asked had she been with anyone else i asked her and i wanted her to say yes so i could hate her and move forwards in my dream she told me after a week of us separating that she had been sleeping with someone else she began to describe the sexual encounter to me with such joy saying it was hot and sweaty and that they didn't use protection and i remember feeling such a sense of a rage and sadness and sickness all at once in my dream, the though of her with another man made my sick. **DREAM

i woke up and i felt relieved as my mind was still telling me that was a real conversation and i hated her and could let her go and after properly waking up and realising it was a dream i cant shake the feeling the thoughts of that dream and what it meant to me. now i feel like i need to know if she is sleeping with other people so i can move on? WHY IS MY MIND ATTACKING ME LIKE THIS? i want to know that she is with other people so i can hate her so i can detach as i feel thats the only way i can move forward but at the same time i dont want to know either. i have no interest in other women right now, i dont think i ever will. i gave her every part of my heart and soul. ive only ever slept with 2 people in my life and have no interest in sleeping around being with other people, the thought makes me feel sick.

everytime i see anything slightly sexual it reminds me of her it makes me feel sick to my guts as to who she is with. i was her first and she was my second and to be intimate almost every day with the same person for 8 years is so special. i think its a mix of jealousy and fear fear because i know what other men are like and what they are capable and that she has not been exposed to how feral men can be and jealousy because what if she finds someone better than me? what if they pleasure her better or love her more. what if she is more attracted to them then me? she said to me that she still loves me and thats not that she doesnt want me she just doesnt think we have a future?? which is so insanely confusing cause how can you love and want someone but not be willing to commit to marriage and life together and risk going out into the world and hoping you find the connect you had with someone else.

she was my bestfriend, all i wanted was to be around her and in her presence and i think that makes this all so much harder for me. i feel like im one of those people that is always surrounded by people but feel so alone always. she took away the loneliness made me feel complete and normal maybe it was bad that i needed her to make me feel that way, maybe i should learn to feel that way before getting into another relationship. thats what everyone tells you to do. but does anyone actually truly do that? does anyone ever wait untill they are complete and feel whole before getting into another relationsip? i feel like if you were complete and happy being alone you would never get into a relationship at all so i feel like that kind of advice is a lie? what else would compel you to be in a relationship if you have learnt to be happy alone, i understand women having a biological clock and im led to beleive that some women have overwhelming maternal instincts and the need to have children but as a some what succesful male, if i learn to be happy aloen and enjoy my own company? why would i want to get into a relationship what would be the driving force behind that? so i think that type of thinking is a lie and fanciful.

i feel scared to go back home, i know i need to though. i left the state i live in to go stay with my cousins for a wgile to try and clear my head i dont know if it has helped our made things worse? im genuinely not sure.

im so scared of running into her, im so scared of running into her with another man. i dont know how to deal with these feelings of fear and jealousy. i just love her so much and my heart screams for her day in an day out.

even writing this now i feel sick at the thought the she is talking to somoene else and flirting with them and doing sexual things with them.

i think the hardest thing for me to grasp is her being sexually intimate with someone else. that seems to be the trigger for me to spiral and feel sick.

my psycologist told me that those are grief thoughts and to label them grief thoughts and that they will pass but they just make me sicker and sicker everytime i think of them.

im not eating, im not sleeping all i do is train. i feel so insecure and so scared i feel like ive aged so much in our relationship and that im ugly and un lovable so im just destroying my body to stay fit and become stronger than i am. i worry its becoming a mental ilnness almost a body dysphoria i hate myseld and everything about myself.

she was younger than me buy a couple of years and i know she is going to date someone younger than me and they will be fitter and stronger than me and it just hurts so much to think that.

i get angry cause i feel like she used me and robbed me of my life and my best years and that she never had any intention of seeing this through. she just used me as a vessel to get her setup in a career and financially.

[dick-chugger]

I also hate the system

[equalsrefl]

Sur le TekhnoSaant-iance

The high road to thinking no longer passes through a deepening of human cognition, but rather through a be­coming inhuman of cognition, a migration of cognition out into the emerging planetary technosentience reservoir, into ‘dehumanized landscapes…emptied spaces’ where human culture will be dissolved.

The error here is in the assumption that cognition has ever been other than inhuman (cf. Stiegler), i.e. inseparably imbricated with technics, from the advent of primal technologies including language. The fetishism central to all accelerationisms lies in such a disavowal.

To cut through Kubernetic Myst-ificatión Nous must say again, but

Lowder && Prowder:

Toot şaanti-ance c'est le tekhno-şaantianz. Nexxxisst paw d şaantianz sin Tooling.

Al "sūbstanz" tekhnosentiant q *Materia* A Vrai Abs-triike-Zœn, SPWNd de Enterred-Faze Tekhno-Neu-Raël (EFTNR).

Say ningun Be-coming, no hay megrıtzyön, no hay progress-ion d şantianz, le nature d witch A Sifr-Sum comme Toot Phrms Sanos (TPS) d Kapital.

Al maijür part d cantidad-y-calidad şantianz re-mayne estétiq throut Liztory.

[meloneta]

getting real enough to get me through and rough enough for love mixed up is hilarious to me bc one is a heartfelt zukka story dealing with grief and death and family and how you can and will get better but the grief will always be there. and one is 400,000 words aziracrow BDSM smut

[rogerrcoyle]

where shadows never live

[boulinz]

🫰

[ultralowoxygen]

Canon EOS 300V by Steve Green Via Flickr: Kodak Gold 200 35mm film Canon EF 28-90mm f4-5.6 II lens

[bracketsoffear]

Rappaccini's Daughter (Nathaniel Hawthorne) "Giovanni Guasconti, a young student renting a room in Padua, has a view from his quarters of a beautiful garden. Here, he looks at Beatrice, the beautiful daughter of Dr. Giacomo Rappaccini, a botanist who works in isolation. Beatrice is confined to the lush and locked gardens, which are filled with exotic poisonous plants grown by her father. Having fallen in love, Giovanni enters the garden and secretly meets with Beatrice a number of times, while ignoring his mentor, Professor Pietro Baglioni. Professor Baglioni is a rival of Dr. Rappaccini and he warns Giovanni that Rappaccini is devious and that he and his work (which involves using poison as medicine) should be avoided.

Giovanni notices Beatrice's strangely intimate relationship with the plants as well as the withering of fresh regular flowers and the death of an insect when exposed to her skin or breath. On one occasion, Beatrice embraces a plant in a way that she seems part of the plant itself; then she talks to the plant, "Give me thy breath, my sister, for I am faint with common air."

Giovanni eventually realizes that Beatrice, having been raised in the presence of poison, has developed an immunity to it and has become poisonous herself. A gentle touch of her hand leaves a purple print on his wrist. Beatrice urges Giovanni to look past her poisonous exterior and see her pure and innocent essence, creating great feelings of doubt and confusion in Giovanni.

In the end, Giovanni becomes poisonous himself: insects die when they come into contact with his breath. Giovanni is troubled by this, which he sees as a curse, and he blames Beatrice. Professor Baglioni gives him an antidote to cure Beatrice and free her from her father's cruel experiment. However, when Beatrice drinks the antidote, she becomes sick and dies. Before realizing that Beatrice is dying, Dr. Rappaccini excitedly welcomes the love between his two creatures, his daughter and her suitor, Giovanni, who has been transformed so that he can now be a true and worthy companion to Beatrice.

While Beatrice is dying, Professor Baglioni looks down from a window into the garden and triumphantly shouts "Rappaccini! Rappaccini! and is THIS the upshot of your experiment!""

The Bridegroom (Ingeborg Refling Hagen) "A tragic romance novel set in Norway at the onset of the Black Death. The protagonist, Elise, is in love with a fiddler, Erik Ekset, and plans to meet him at the midsummer festivities. When he does not arrive, she waits for him until the news of the plague comes -- and the plague comes with it, killing her family. Distraught, Elise sets out to find her beloved and journeys through a nightmare of plague-stricken countryside, and she dies trying to find his grave.

Strong themes associating disease with music, love, and community throughout -- the plague first strikes at a wedding with a dead fiddler arriving in a cart pulled by a pale horse, and the bride -- now bereaved -- appears again near the end, inconsolable."

[aintquiteright]

Woman with her dogs by TuomasV_