#reasons to see a therapist.

[ms-understand]

him/he/me + she/her and what was 2B.

I saw an image of a face. A bald man screaming bloody anger. It reminded me of myself, or more like, my past self. He didn't know how many times he had been touched. He couldn't count how many times he had been hit. He only had a few small scars to remind him that he was there. The little one. The skinny runt. The sissy. The pussy. He didn't understand, but knew it wasn't how it was meant to be. The runt grew. Saw some punk rocker type "skinheads" and adopted some of the look. Started going to places where only the wild ones go. Learned to drink learned to fuck learned to dance, but never learned to fight. Punched someone once. Opened up some skin. Hated the way it felt. Men get a rush from that sort of thing. I got guilt and depression. So, I could hurt somebody the way they hurt me. No thank you.

I did hurt people though. I made myself look mean. I worked hard jobs with my body. I lifted weight when not working. I kept drinking and I yelled when angry. People stayed away. I met men. Older men who would get me drunk. If I liked them, they could do whatever they wanted with me. If I didn't like them, I would see how much I could get out of them before they cared.

Then I met her, and she had a kid, and the kid became my daughter, and she told me she couldn't have kids, but then we did and even the doctor said she couldn't have anymore and that seemed true for 6 years and then we had another. I kept on drinking. I kept on yelling. I got sick of myself and wanted to change while she got sick of me and wanted someone else. She found someone else. That's another story.

This is my story. I found someone else too. I quit drinking with a 12-step program. I got sent home from work because of COVID 19 for a month. I was an essential worker, but I got a month off. In that time, I discovered the girl I was. In my memories. Playing with my sisters and their friends and how playing with the boys in the neighborhood was always a nightmare. I started to realize that I'm definitely not like any man I've ever known. Not even feminine men. I stopped caring about clothes and hair long ago, but I never stopped trying to repress my feelings and behavior. The way I walk, talk, eat, the way think, has all been conditioned. The girl had not been beaten out of me, but pushed way far back, and I learned to keep her there, so people wouldn't act hateful to me, but the real me, at any given opportunity, like being drunk in a comfortable place or all alone quarantined in 2020, would come out, and I would wish I had breast or wish I didn't have my genitals. I learned what gender dysphoria is and started to wonder if that was what's going on. I looked into it, more and more, and I started to figure out that, yes, that's what it is. Then, denial. It had to be something else. I'm autistic and that could be it, somehow, so I look into it and shit. Damn, yes that could be it, because autism and being trans often go together. I said often, not always. So, I start asking for others' opinions and it's suggested I see a gender therapist. I didn't want to do that, but after three years of going back and forth with am I this that or the other thing, and being way more stressed than usual, I am going to see a gender therapist. I felt a sense of relief just signing myself up for that. They gave me a three month wait, period. I can see why. I have one month left. Over the past two months I have gone back and forth and thought about cancelling the appointment. I haven't.

Why the big deal? Why worry? It's internalized transphobia. I pinned something that sort of explains, but maybe not good enough. I know I'm not a feminine man, because I've known a few, and that's not me.

Why not embrace being a trans woman? I want to, but there's that little boy who got slapped in the face for wearing moms make up, when his siters did it, it was cute, but he got a slap. The little boy who was constantly told to stop acting like a girl, even though he didn't understand why, just wanted love. There was even the young man who wanted to be loved and love a man but didn't know how. That wanted to be loved like a woman, not like a gay man. I didn't understand. Every so often a woman would come into one of the bars I'd visit, and she wouldn't be like the guys in drag. She would be a woman. A trans woman, but a woman all the same. I wanted to be that, but I didn't think it was possible. I was and still am big, bald, and to some, intimidating. But when I was around trans women, it was as if I knew that I wanted what she had. Courage. To be me.

What am I getting at? Internalized transphobia. The things I experienced caused me to repress and fear, myself. Does that make sense? The society and system I have always lived in taught me that being big, bald and scary, means being a man and being soft, having nice hair and being pretty, is being a woman. Obviously, this is wrong. Conditioning. Being told a lie over and over until it becomes truth. It's hard to break away from that at any age, but I believe the longer we wait the more difficult it becomes.

[doctormori]

I love this book to death, so here's some things I noticed <3

[starlightiing]

Esteban's mentality is freaking phenomenal. He always says "I smile a lot and I'm happy because I'm in F1, I'm just grateful to be here." And like, I don't know if I could even still smile just for being there with all the sludge that gets tossed at him both from F1 enjoyers and from the media and his own team. The fact that he can push it aside temporarily to just be able to smile for cameras and fans and interviews just shows a level of strength that I will never personally be able to achieve and I admire him so much for that.

He talks about mentality a lot, and how the mind really controls everything and he is not wrong. He practices what he preaches and it's a skill that I'm learning with the help of my therapist, and it is a powerful one. Mind over matter is a real thing.

I think he is very inspiring and very strong, and every time I see his bright smile - no matter where he is or what he's doing - and I see him interact so personally and graciously with his fans - I just warm up immediately.

He really is just grateful to be here. Being an F1 driver really does just top it all for him. And you could call him any name (please dont) or say any horrible thing about him (please dont) and he will just keep smiling. It takes a toll on him, as it would any human being - we've seen that the one time he ever decided to publicly defend himself after Monaco - but he will just keep smiling.

[transmechanicus]

Really fucked up that two ppl can care about each other and make their best efforts to communicate and still end up hurting each other so badly they cannot stand to be in the same room.

[dkettchen]

me: I have a job interview with a coding test on monday, I should do some coding exercises online to practice until then, it'll be a chore to revise but it'll be worth it 😤

me, now, 3 kyu level ups deep into python practice on codewars, forgetting to eat or attend appointments on time: oh no I forgot this is a fun puzzle game to sink infinite time into to my math brain

[bumblingbabooshka]

B'Elanna, Neelix, Tuvok and Chakotay needed to star in an episode where they just talked about their different beliefs and approaches to spirituality/religion. Paired off and all together. I need to gain more insight. I need characterization and I need it to be messy.

[undisclozedesires]

John's obsessed and fucked up.

Billy ignores him after a fight. John spams him with texts, every shit that makes its way through his head. You can’t treat me like this. Don't ignore me. I can just find you through your scent. I miss you. I'm watching you. Stop ignoring me. I'm waiting in your bedroom, come home.

He does it because he craves attention. It wounds his ego. It scratches at his confidence. He just says anything to get a response from Billy.

At the end of the day, he gets his reponse.

Billy comes home, still cross with him. And fucks him into the mattress for fuckin' annoying him. For following him around, borderline stalking because he is a possessive pos. And entering his apartment without his permission. Getting all comfortable in his bed.

And John enjoys every second of the pounding when Billy takes his anger out on him.

[imogenkol]

KINCADE PACK 🐺 (original works) — “The name goes back centuries, and all Miranda cares about is making sure it lasts for many more”

[template by @tommyarashikage]

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[nagasthia]

Look a Ninjago drawing :)

[caligvlasaqvarivm]

wanna ask how you feel about the eridan bpd headcanon/theory(?? not sure what to call it!) you're so good at your character analysis and i'd love to see your outlook on it

Since I don't have a degree or any formal training in psychology, I feel deeply uncomfortable diagnosing characters. I've made an autism joke before but only because I'm on the spectrum. He's definitely traumatized and anxious, but I mean those as descriptors of his behavior rather than capital-D Diagnoses. I try to focus on those when I can - the cause and effect of cognition, self-image, and behavior - and those factors may very well match up with DSM criteria, but I try not to touch an actual diagnosis with a ten foot pole unless the author has explicitly stated that X character has Y condition.

[druidonity2]

I looked at my fanart of War Crimes with Anduin holding himself dying with Chromie, and I decided I wanted to draw more Anduin trauma with dragons...(wip)

[pioponii]

Am i going insane or did i just see moby dick yuri

[irrealisms]

i have at this point gotten three people in my notes going "i volunteer at a crisis center and this is misinformation!" (a) literally what about my post is misinformation. op was kind of sloppily phrased bc i didn't expect ppl to reblog it but "most hotlines call the cops sometimes, here are some that do that Never" is just true information (b) fuck OFF. check my blog. i'm a psychiatric survivor you're not going to convince me that calling the cops to forcibly institutionalize people is totally okay when you do it and it's so irresponsible of me to discourage people from getting help. maybe i should add that in bold letters to the top of my pinned post (or temporarily pin a different post?) until this post dies down.

i just. it's not ~spreading misinformation~ to say that you do the things you admit to doing. (one of the people was actually denying that crisis lines did that but in a way that was...trivially disprovable? so im not sure what that was about lmao. and then the other two were straightup "YES we call the cops sometimes but only when we HAVE to so it's NOT BAD, stop spreading MISINFORMATION")

also 2/3 blocked me and the third is just going through my notes and reblogging all the people who disagreed with me without actually responding to me.

[andi-o-geyser]

on my anti dr. jacob agenda sooo hard you don't even know. like the level of just how unprofessional, unethical, and fucking infuriating his choices are is putting me into so much of a rage i can no longer maintain my danny rojas level of live laugh love in this economy. bastard. bastard man. my worst enemy. im calling the kansas college of registered psychotherapy and regulatory board of ethics on him don't test me

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

Listen to me

Listen

The vegetables in salsa? Or artichoke dip? Or like, canned or frozen veggies? Are still vegetables.

Dried fruits? Jams and jellies? Smoothies? Frozen fruits? Still fruit.

The nutrients in fruits and vegetables are important but you do not have to subject yourself to the sensory hell or ADHD tax that can be fresh fruits and vegetables to get those nutrients. You can get them in ways that are friendly to you and your needs.

[bumblingbabooshka]

Tuvoktober Day 27: The Red King In which T'Pel gently chides Tuvok for not contacting her because she was concerned about his wellbeing after hearing he was recently rescued from being tortured while imprisoned and is now immediately in another life-or-death situation & Tuvok's response is thinking 'How could I have been so insensitive?? My beloved wife...words cannot express the depth of my shame.' [Patreon | Commissions]