#reason I don't really talk about social issues: bc while I know how I feel

[i-used-to-be-a-spy]

New Autistic Michael Westen Master Post

A) Special Interest

Michael's fixation on being a spy and getting his job back is def in special interest territory bc he values it A LOT. In the books, it's mentioned he blew stuff up just for fun as a kid to experiment and to get attention from his parents so spy shenanigans has always been an interest of his

B) Justice is something Michael feels very strongly about. He doesn't hesitate to help the little guy or families or anybody else who needs his help even tho he'll complain when it isnt convenient (which reminds me of Entrapta, a canon autistic character on a show, who gets annoyed when interrupted from her special interest inventing). Even when injured, he'll still help people. Michael wants to feel like he's a part of good in the world, helping right wrongs

C) Michael and relationships

He struggles maintaining deep relationships and doesn't always understand what people want from him. This is partly due to him struggling with processing his own emotions like for example his desire to be with Fi versus his desire to not see her harmed by being close to him.

He has a lot of miscommunications with his family over the years (not necessarily all his fault) and he doesn't know how to bridge the gap at first. Like how Maddie was mad at him for not reaching out on her bday but turns out he was in a hospital and it simply didn't occur to him to explain that

A great example of Michael not realizing how much he means to his friends is when he so readily believes they have abandoned him when Larry made it seem like they had to manipulate him.

D) Not understanding social norms and social queues or hierarchy

This is part of his problem up above but it deserves it's own section. A great example is when Sam asks for advice about marrying the love of his life and Michael says yes and then no and is just exasperated by what Sam wants from him

Michael simply doesn't give a shit about social hierarchies and will go straight through them to get shit done like when he talks back to the frickin head of the CIA in season 7

E) Most likely as a survival tactic growing up in an abusive household, Michael's ability to Mask and appear neurotypical while Undercover is a great example. He knows the human mind well and his friends are always shocked by how he's able to read strangers well but not his close friends and family. Michael is able to imitate people he's around well at least for the job

F) Repetitive behaviors & Sensory issues

Michael has at least two safe foods: yogurt and tuna tahini. We also know he likes spicy foods that have been mentioned throughout the show so he's likely a sensory seeking autistic.

He also really liked a deep pressure massage he got during a cover cause the bad guy had paid for the hour. Many autistics respond well to deep pressure even when they don't like light touch (Michael often seems touch averse outside of Fiona) which part of that is from being a spy but I think it's not liking unexpected touch (I myself like people to ask first then I like touch!)

There is another reason Michael may always wear sunglasses: autistics are more likely to have light sensitive eyes so the sun could be painful for him. He also has his fav particular glasses he wears which is part of his routine

G) Personality

Michael has a pretty stoic personality. He doesn't tend to have huge macro facial expressions when not undercover. It's the smaller smiles or tightening muscles around his eyes or a single raised eyebrow or throwing his head back that says how he's feeling. He also tends to not laugh loudly or out loud except for rare occasions. His humor is dry and sarcastic like many autistics

H) Demisexual

I do see Michael as existing on the asexual spectrum. He describes his attraction to Fi and also how he's never felt that way with anyone else in both the show and books. Demisexuals experience sexual attraction after forming a bond with people and I think that describes Michael well. He literally has hot women flirting with him all the time, especially villains, and he doesn't bat an eye or get tempted bc he's simply not into them.

And even tho he is attracted to Fi, he isn't always immediately as into sex as she always is like when she jumps his bones when he comes home from missions in season 5 look at his face as he tries to convince her to stop. Altho he gets into it eventually 😉

Many autistics are ace altho not every autistic is!

I) overwhelmed episodes

Michael tends to not process his emotions until something really big happens that pushes him over the edge like when he considers shooting himself after Victor is killed bc solving his burn notice seems impossible or when he finally has to process that Fi is gone

J) Smarts

Many autistics are gifted in a specific area and I do think Michael's tactical mind comes from his autism

Have a photo of Michael's smile after Sam compliments his brains :)

The End

Thanks for reading 😁

[freightertonowhere]

ok I know the common thing said about kendrick lamar (especially on this site) is that he's a generational hater. sure that’s true, but his legacy should be way more than that. kendrick lamar is the greatest storyteller and possibly the greatest Artist of our generation.

yeah yeah that's a big statement. but no one in pop culture is doing it like him. it's not even close. people often say that he's the only rapper to win a Pulitzer, but really he's the only artist in ANY non-classical genre to win it. and it's so deserved!

his discography feels like an ongoing novel with a consistent core theme: navigating the duality of human nature while searching for salvation (which assumes different meanings and forms across each album). and in this novelistic discography, kendrick has the classic character flaw of pride. at best, this trait allows him to pursue ambitious creative endeavors, and at worst, it fuels a self-destructive savior complex. the dualities he navigates range from overt good/evil war/peace dichotomies to subtextual competing motivations

along the way, he addresses complex topics of institutional racism, survivors guilt, generational trauma, self esteem, and much more- all while making bangers and talking his shit. he strikes a complicated balance of addressing these issues without seeming too preachy because he filters the sociopolitical thought the personal. any commentary is delicately woven into his character and his search for salvation. you get the sense that he's absorbing the world around him with eyes wide open, even if you don't fully agree with his conclusions or how he conveys what he sees

and gnx represents an interesting point in the novel of his discography where he DID finally find salvation- in himself and his pen- and unflinchingly declared 'I deserve it all.' from a narrative perspective, I wonder if the core theme will shift moving forward as his salvation brings him dangerously close to his self-described weaknesses, or if the lessons he’s learned along the way will lead him elsewhere

other point's I can't figure out how to integrate into this essay:

we often view vulnerability in songwriting as telling a really personal and often difficult story, which kendrick does but then takes a step further. he's not afraid to show the worst parts of himself or use his own hypocrisy as a muse. it's really hard to apply modern social media-driven morality tests to him bc he'll often get to the point first

his fans try to decode his his art like he’s the zodiac killer, but the reason they feel like there’s more than meets the eye is because there is. he DOES use layers of subtle storytelling and imagery to convey an idea

people can and do interpret his work in many ways and still be correct because great art is subjective and we process it individually. that’s why scholars can analyze a great novel or composition for a century

he’s very very good at rapping. like that halftime performance was not normal

tldr: if you're just finding out about kendrick through the beef then please go check out his music! you're in for some great generational art!

[necrotic-nephilim]

For the ask game

au where brudick happens but they keep it VERY hidden to the point only cass knows but she thinks everyone does cause to her it's so obvious, so one day on their monthly family dinner that no one misses she ask's them why they have different rooms when they always go to eachother during the night. What do you think would happen? Would they deny deny deny? would they ask her what she's talking about? how does everyone else react to this revelation? do the other heroes find out? do they have opinions about it?

for the ask game!

I LOVE THIS SHIT. truly love Cass noticing things she shouldn't and assuming they're common knowledge, it's my fave flavor. this is such a fun idea-

so Cass knows from like, day one. and obviously she never says anything bc she assumes this is normal. in a way, the weird vibes between Bruce and Dick *are* normalized to the Batfam, everyone sort of. tiptoes around their weirdness (even if they don't know it's romantic) so Cass learns to do the same. she doesn't mention it bc no one mentions Bruce and Dick's bond, it's only ever acknowledged with shared looks. it takes years before she has the courage to ask and i think it's fun if she asks for an utterly mundane reason. like, Alfred makes a teasing remark about washing everyone's bedsheets and what a task that is, and Cass just drops it into conversation that Dick's bed is rarely used because he's always in Bruce's, so that must make it easier to handle.

Dick was try to play it off as a joke. just the mention would make Bruce go silent, for once finally not having a contingency plan on how to handle something. he and Dick were never supposed to happen in the first place, it was so accidental he's never considered the possibility of someone finding out bc they're so careful, though in hindsight, of course he should've known Cass would've figured it out. Dick would awkwardly laugh, try to say something to the effect of "very funny, but we're not *that* close haha" just to break the tension. Cass doesn't give in, though. she's not the best at social cues and doesn't understand the desperate look Dick is giving her, trying to get her to drop it. she pushes on and corrects Dick, insisting she doesn't judge them for it. Bruce would finally snap back into reality and give a more serious denial, quickly changing the conversation before anyone else can press.

the issue is, the minute Cass says it out loud, it becomes *so* obvious. especially to Tim, who has the biggest "oh my GOD" lightbulb moment of his life. there is no unseeing it. it takes him a while to process how he feels about it, the same with everyone else. for a week, there's an obvious tension. no one will say anything, but everyone knows and is trying to sit with it to decide how they feel. it's not a simple situation to feel one way or another about. that's when the questions start. Tim asks Dick questions, Alfred asks Bruce questions. how old was Dick, how did it happen, all the things Dick and Bruce have never wanted to have to answer. bc none of the questions have clean answers. it was a slow and gradual relationship. sure, they can say the first time they slept together, but that doesn't *really* count as the start of things. the start goes back to when Dick was still a teenager, probably underage. even if nothing happened, they both knew. and the way they dance around the questions makes that obvious.

most of the Batfamily i think, would begrudgingly accept it. it's too late to convince Bruce and Dick out of it now, and at the end of the day, Bruce and Dick will always choose each other over anyone else. fighting it just increases the chances of getting ostracized and pushed away by the two of them. feelings vary. i think Alfred would be the least happy about it because he was there when Dick was just a 10 yr old. everyone else only has memory of Dick as an adult, but Alfred watched Dick grow up, raised by Bruce, so he just can't shake that image. Tim sees it as one of those things you just have to accept about Batman, and carefully considers his role as Robin and makes sure he focuses on making sure Dick is happy/safe as well as Bruce. if nothing else, Tim will put his feelings aside to be the Emotional Support Child. Barbara would distance herself from the Batfam for a while just to sit on it, because she also saw Dick as a kid and it sits wrong with her. long talks with Dick convince her to let it go, but she does keep a *much* closer eye on Bruce to be sure this doesn't become a pattern. i think she'd enlist Cass to make sure Bruce never shows romantic/sexual attraction toward other Robins. Steph and Jason are equally apathetic toward it, being the ones who are most negative toward Bruce. they just shrug and go "yeah sounds like some shit Bruce would do". Damian's a bit of a toss-up. i think it'd really throw him for a loop and he'd be far more critical of Dick in the beginning, but once he approves of Dick, he'd *really* latch onto him.

i do think the rest of the hero community would find out. not on purpose, but the leak happens. Babs vents her feelings about it to Dinah, Helena, and Zinda. Tim mutters about it to the Titans. and Jason will tell anyone who asks because he doesn't have a rat's ass to give about Bruce's precious reputation. (if anything, he'd purposefully try to ruin Bruce with that info) the hero community... varies. i think Oliver would be the *most* pissed. Oliver is very similar to Bruce, in that he's taken in his share of strays, but he was objectively a lot better at it than Bruce. it causes a minor public scandal when Oliver drinks too much at some gala and just. publically beats the shit out of Bruce Wayne, incoherently talking about something to do with him being a creep. i could see Oliver rallying support from people like Barry and Arthur who also have young sidekicks and would agree it being fucked up. i don't think Bruce would be entirely ejected from the hero community, but he would be quietly removed as a chair member of the Justice League and have most of his power as a team leader stripped. no matter how much damage control Dick does, insisting he was an adult when anything real happened and he consented, no one can look at Bruce the same. sort of a bittersweet ending, Bruce and Dick are together and no one can take that from them, but there's still realistic reaction and blowback to it, which i personally think is a lot of fun.

[k3nnjamin]

Pack dynamics with Transbeta Kon

i have a couple ideas for early core four omegaverse au, i need to talk them out so i can make my final decision (i also just miss them lmao, and need some dopamine) + poll bc i love community input

Okokok, before I start, i need to define the basic subgender roles / typical pack dynamics of this au:

betas are the majority presentation across the population. they're typically caretakers or leaders/second-in-commands within the pack, managing emotions and relationships. it's common to meet large packs entirely made up of betas. they collect scents of packmates easier and a touchy beta isn't out of the ordinary.

alphas are protectors primarily, but i think historically they would be put into roles of power just cause they're 'stronger' .. and we know how that ends. uhmm horomones make you silly (don't call em knotheads for nothing). if there's more than one alpha, one is like the head A that keeps the other alphas in line. generally help betas keep peace by scruffing their unruly packmates (or growling at them, or whatever needs done tbh). alphas are also known to be packless for one reason or another.

omegas are managers, they do all the tasks that keep the pack afloat physically. usually cooking, cleaning, groceries, bills, errands, delegating tasks to other packmates, and making sure everyone is doing their tasks properly. "women's work" in our world, but in a healthy pack the most taxing responsibilities (emotional labor and raising pups) should be spread pretty evenly. i think they're the most respected members, and deal out punishments/reprimands. you see lots of omegas in business.

----

i also need to mention before we dive in that Kon is trans Alpha to Beta in all three scenarios because he doesn't have enough identity issues already lmao

also, tim is the omega, i feel strongly about this and about the other three being a/b. if you have other feelings, please share, i would love to hear them!!

mention three, gonna come back to edit this or reblog when i've read more comic with more detailed descriptions on C+B because i only have vague knowledge on their personalities and i don't want to misrepresent them -_-

----

get it? got it? GREAT! now sit your ass down, it's time for me to bend all my social roles.

Scenario 1 (three alphas and tim):

this is such a juicy thought that i've been chewing on for a little bit. these were all brought about because i think Tim is a bit under-socialized and i think knowing his best friends of the same-ish subgenders are bonding without him (it's his fault, he's avoiding them) while he's the only omega is a special type of pain.

this one also adds the extra layer of Kon trying to overperform alpha-ness to fit it with the group, tension growing because of this, insecurity when Tim's omega does not fuck with his alpha, and eventually breaking down when they get Tim to be a physical part of the park and realizing they will love him anyways. (general extra) ma and pa bonding moment extra cause i've assigned them both B. so really i lied and thsi is 2A+1B+1O end goal, but i'm more focused on them all being high intensity at one point

//

Scene 2 (1 alpha + 2 beta + 1 omega):

someone suggested Bart as an alpha and I'm really into that .. Or Cassie.. and that's why i'm having this debate with myself in the first place

anyways Kon beta truther is back at it, but this time he has a non-family member packmate to emulate and help him transition into the role. this one could be a little smoother than the other two since he's moving to a role that's working and from a role that doesn't necessarily mourn his loss (they're not large enough yet to need two alphas). then he has some more room to explore his gender without all the stress of trying to hold onto a stereotype.

i do really like the thought of the two betas bonding over exploring their genders in addition to Tim's gender exploration as an omega pack leader who didn't get a lot of physical pack interaction in his life. lots of sweet moments, this is probably my favorite just because i love love love fluff :3

//

Scene The Third (three betas and an omega):

this one sees kon leaving the 'protector' role empty, and shame keeps him bonded to those actions for a long time even as he transitions. he gets so much worse before he lets his alpha go. behavioral issues stemming from the feeling that he has to continue keeping his friends' behaviors in check. displays of dominance and irritation that borders aggression. and he gets very possessive.

Until Bart dolls out a corrective behavior before Kon's instincts react to it. Cassie scruffs him before he can lose his ever loving mind (still trying to A). Tim reprimanding him by telling him it's not his place, doing work his blockers can't by classical conditioning Kon to start ignoring his leftover alpha instincts.. There's this flood of relief as he realizes his packmates are taking that burden off him and redistributing it between the three. they're fucking superheroes, they don't need to be protected.

actually??? this one might win me over simply because i could make real examples of their interactions

--

bonus ✨🍀

tim as the pack leader omega!! (and later cassie, but i haven't gotten there yet) he came in and was like "here's how it's gonna be, guys" and no one opposed him. i don't think anyone even knew what his presentation was until they were all living together, and even then that was entirely by accident. but he runs a good ship, leaning into the managerial role of omega. everyone finishes their chores "or else" (they're all afraid of what that might mean) and missions are executed .. well, he plans missions very well. but he's not too hot on the emotional side of leadership, a little too matter o fact. yeah, they're his friends, but they're not civilian friends. they know him a little Too personally. he can't put up a front like he did at school. so he emotionally retracts into himself. and this causes crazy problems.

[radicalcoffeeclub]

i have been feeling really caught between worlds lately as a trans person who believes sex based oppression is the basis for misogyny, and i wanted to say it was a relief to find your blog and see there are still feminists who respect my identity/dysphoria while also not denying the material reality of female subjugation.

i think your stance is perfectly reasonable and hold many of the same opinions. youd be surprised how many trans people actually agree with feminist thought in private. i think more of us agree with feminist thought than are willing to admit to ourselves, but bc of this tribalist sort of culture we have built up where associating with The Other Side is grounds for permanent ostracism, a lot of us just keep quiet and try not to think about it. it's been getting worse as well with the culture war- it is far easier to behave reactively and blame some woman with a blog for our dwindling rights than to face the overwhelming reality of how much power a few wealthy men hold over all our lives.

i have hope though that feminism will gain ground in our spaces again, and i do my best to try to bring more feminism into my own spaces. sorry this got long, i was just so relieved to see someone talking sense and wanted to let you know your words and respect aren't wasted. i do not think you are an "evil terf" who hates us.

Thanks for sending this, this is such a nice message! I agree it sucks that there is such a big division between people and ideas right now that it seems impossible to find common ground when there would actually be quite a bit of it. I feel like it wasn't even that long ago when it was generally acceptable to hold both the beliefs that biological sex is immutable and it matters as well as that some people are trans and that it isn't very hard to accept that. I don't need to rub it in a trans person's face that I think of gender entirely differently from them. I don't need to argue with my nonbinary friends that they're women. Just like I don't need to argue with every religious person I know that their god isn't real. I don't need to call people by a name they don't want to be called just because "that's your real name". I too ask people to call me by my nickname instead of the name my parents gave me. As with religious people, I only take issue when they start imposing their beliefs on me or saying that I'm not allowed to do or say something because of their beliefs.

Personally, the things that have pushed me towards radical feminism regarding trans issues have been 1) the increasingly pervasive claim that biological sex isn't real and doesn't matter, 2) the push for laws that essentially harm women's rights and 3) the push to allow medical transition for children (which will among other things make them unable to experience sexual pleasure and idk why any trans activist would even want that for other trans people). I agree this has become a culture war of sorts where both views get further and further. I don't really agree with quite a few takes I see on radblr. I don't agree with mocking or taunting trans people just because we disagree. I think too many radfems are making fools of themselves and radical feminism by acting like bullies. Some will justify it with "well tras post this and that and thats worse" but like, just don't engage with that shit. It's not necessary. All it does is further inflame this shit and reinforce an us vs them mentality. No I don't think we need to be nice and shut up uwu but everyone should consider whether what they're saying is constructive or destructive.

It's interesting to read that you think many trans people/trans activists agree with (radical) feminist points but wouldn't admit that because there's such a big division and people fear getting ostracised. It's a big issue that the discussion has become such walking on eggshells and anyone with a different view can quickly be labelled a terf and discarded. There's a lot at stake when possibly your entire social and friend group could dump you for being seen as a transphobe - even for expressing lukewarm takes that wouldn't have shocked anyone 15 years ago.

Again thanks for this message! Good food for thought. And good for you for trying to make the discussion more nuanced in your circles! We need more of that everywhere. You're not alone.

[ac3-76]

Kai Smith Headcannons

warnings: none😊

General

Idc what anyone says he can cook

like him and Nya were on their own for most of their childhood and bc Kai is the oldest he insisted on cooking

also because he grew up poor he gets really creative in the kitchen

his body temperature is constantly at 102° Fahrenheit

he does well in colder climates and doesn't struggle with feeling cold or freezing, but in hotter climates he gets heat exhaustion fast

He pretty much refuses on taking rest days

like he has to work out every single day or else he gets really insecure

He has the largest social media following out of all the ninjas(if you don't include Lloyd's graffiti account that no one knows he runs)

his body insecurity stems from growing up skinny and underweight

He LOVES Supernatural and sees a lot of himself in Dean Winchester

He has 3 tiktok accounts, one for fashion, one for thirst traps, and one where he just talks, rants, or does vlogs

he also has a YouTube channel that does really well, it's mostly vlogs, pranking the ninjas, doing challenges, trying things

his YouTube channel is kind of a mix of Jake Webbers channel, Kalogeras sisters, and the Sturniolo Triplets

He only has 1 Instagram and he mostly posts pictures of him and the other ninjas hanging out and having fun

He has a public and a private Twitter

the only thing he posts on his public account is i❤️my partner type stuff and dates for things

He definitely did a tweet about how exited he was for A Good Girls Guide To Murder TV show to be released

His private account has tweets for literally everything he does and thinks

"ate a fire cookie🔥🔥"

"just took a narly nap"

"you guys"(with absolutely no rhyme or reason, everyone was responding to that one really confused)

"just watched Teen Wolf, Chris Argent is such a dilf"

The crazy thing is his private account has over 4 million followers, he accepts literally everyone that requests to follow it

He's extremely good at math, put any math problem in front of him and he can solve it in his head in 15 seconds

He's also very financially literate, he's got all of his money related things in order and is a millionaire by season 10 bc he got into investing and stocks

No one knows abt him being a millionaire tho bc he doesn't buy things that look expensive and he doesn't flex his money

He totally buys expensive things tho

it's mostly high end clothing

he has a huge shoe collection that costs at least $2,813

He's an absolute fiend for cosmic brownies

He's a huge car guy

His favorite car brand is Koenigsegg and he owns a black Jesko Attack

He also owns 2 motorcycles

Dating

He's hispanic and fluent in Spanish

If his S/O doesn't speak spanish he'll tell them things in Spanish and won't tell them what if means

He does this all the time

It's bc Spanish is his first language and it's easier for him to say things in his mother tounge

(Yk in Modern Family when Gloria says that no one knows how smart she is in spanish, yea Kai totally feels that)

(he's also a chronic Modern family watcher and he relates to Gloria and Hailey so hard)

If his s/o speaks Spanish he prefers talking to them in Spanish

(he also loves if they speak it bc its also Nya's first language which means they can talk to Nya better)

He absolutely adores physical touch and cuddling

Hugs from behind.

Neck kisses.

he loves his hair being played with

if his S/O wants their hair braided, he can do it

French, Dutch, typical 3 strand, box, godess, cornrows, triangle box, twist, micro braids, fulani, Havana

whatever you want and whatever ur hairtype, he can do it

He can also do any hairstyle on any hair type like it's the easiest thing ever

He def does a soft launch at first

once your relationship is public, he post you all. the. time.

he just loves showing off his lover

However, he makes sure that while ur relationship is known, it's private

he's not gonna post any fights or issues that you 2 have, he works those out in private

he let's you steal any of his clothes(as long as you give them back)

He's the right amount of jealous and possesive

if someone else if flirting with you he'll just walk up and put his arm around ur shoulders or waist

he pretty much never introduces himself when someone else if flirting with you, he let's you do that

He's very secure in his relationship, he wouldn't cheat on you and he knows you wouldn't cheat on him

BUT, as mentioned above he struggles a lot with body insecurity so you'll have to reasure him that you love his body

He's been cutting meat for people his whole life(first Nya then Lloyd) so if you don't wanna cut your meat he'll totally cut it for you

He's so they fell first, he fell harder coded

also unexpected love trope, but it's unexpected for you two, everyone else knew the second you guys met that you were gonna be together

Nya and Lloyd had a bet on how long it would take for you two to get together(Nya won)

[some-murmurings]

so I've known I was system (unclear if I'm workin with OSDD 1-b or HC-DID) for ~2 years now, and I feel like I've gotten just about everything out of exploring it I can for the foreseeable future.

One of the things I've really struggled with is that so many systems are deeply invested in Fandom and I, bluntly, am not.

Not a judgment, just not something that appeals to me much for whatever reason(s). I bring this up because, when I was first exploring our system, I found there was way too much instability to identify/create concrete coherent "alters" in the common sense. My response to this obstacle was to use SimplyPlural as a shell for short-form poetry (generally prosaic bc formatting is hell on mobile) and engage with my 'selves' as closer to extremely distinct "modes of being" rather than full people.

Again, not a judgment, systems are different for the exact same reasons any people are different. I made just as many (if not more) totally subjective judgments about what my "self" and "selves" really were. I do, however, think the differences between me and the predominant system culture on Tumblr are EXTREMELY interesting and imply a bunch of cool stuff about the nature of our identities (and identity in general (but that's for later)).

For one: much of your "system" is utterly constructed. It's built. It's the result of an honest-to-god artistic process of deepset self-reflection, a series of creative social choices to present yourself(s) to others in the best way you know how. This is HOW any of this is real, not some "gotcha" that proves we're all fake or w/e.

For traumagenic systems, there's an underlying pathology that informs these choices in (as far as the medical discourse is concerned) that the neurological mechanisms which primarily influence self-identification are heavily disrupted, leading patients to actively create lenses they can view themselves through (or so the story goes, issues w/ this narrative imo).

I think it's extremely notable that many "endogenic" systems 1) have trauma disorders that disrupt their sense of self (e.g. OCD w/ psychotic symptoms) or 2) otherwise have environmental stressors that create similar emotional conditions to the "actual DID" systems among us (📮)

So, yeah, Endogenic systems ARE choosing to be like that. OSDDID systems are too. The self is always a social construct. This isn't news.

I do, however, see a common tendency (especially among 'bodily a minor' systems) to engage super carelessly with this artistic process.

This should be fun, it should be expressive, play is extremely important to human health, and you should totally be as imaginative as possible. The weirder you are, the better.

But. Shit like "bodily a minor"? Horrible idea. Really catastrophically bad idea, y'all, there are SO MANY different ways to explore the internal mechanics of your system that do not actively jeopardize your safety in the way and to the degree that misrepresenting your physical age does.

I think the feelings that the "mental age vs body age" dichotomy reflects are totally valid and SHOULD be expressed, I just don't think we're doing it smartly.

I respect age regression 100% but, psychologically, age regression is completely different from age advancement. Completely. It's a one way road.

So far, my best bet for expressing the "older" parts of us is to talk about parenthood instead. Caretaking. Or, responsibility, ethics. Sometimes we identify with eternal/timeless concepts, like "nighttime" or "love." That way the realities of age (and thus existing safety measures) are preserved while still allowing you to communicate effectively with other people.

I have more thoughts & critiques that I'll post more about later, for those interested, but if you want to see what I meant by "shell poetry" or "modes of being" my SP is:

the-murmuring-system

[blackmageeljin]

You know, I've had it happen a lot where I am comically so many different minorities that if I ever try to go to a minority specific group for one they are uncomfortable with the other. Like.

I am too disabled for the trans support group to be comfortable with me.

I am too pagan for disability groups to be comfortable (bc we all turn to our religions but they get weird about mine)

I'm always too a b c for x y z. But today had to be the worst one

Which was being too poor to fit in socially with the other pagans I found.

Literally, I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. The level of poverty i live in is astounding. We just went a month without running water in the house. No working plumbing. No flush toilets. We went to a nearby campground to use public showers. Our house doesn't have heat outside of a few rooms. (This by the way, isn't what broke the plumbing, the pump house itself broke from global warming dropping the temp to record lows in a mild weather area). We are on SNAP. We live in a house full of holes with broken windows and countless problems bc it was the only thing we've could possibly afford.

I'm sure a lot of people think the animals we keep are a luxury but it's really not. Especially our chickens now- the feed for them is much cheaper than the eggs they produce, and in spring and summer they can forage for even less. It's not luxury pet chickens (tho I love them dearly) it's being so poor we have to put the work in to raise our own chickens to save what we can and ensure we have something to eat because we can't afford the luxury of the convenience of a grocery store.

There have been times we wouldn't have had food if we didn't have extra eggs from our chickens.

We literally did not have water to drink or cook with.

We spent days huddled in one corner of one room with half the animals for warmth.

We still have to worry about whether or not we'll have enough money to pay bills. Bills for things like medications and doctor visits that can save life.

Literally I risked suffocating because we couldn't go to the ER. I waited for my wife to get home to drive me to the doctor who happened to have a soon opening with my throat swollen shut from an allergic reaction.

People don't get what it's like to really struggle when the idea of something like a house without plumbing to them is 'something that hasn't happened Ina century's, even though there are people living IN THIS COUNTRY TODAY who just, don't have those luxuries even if they have a physical house or shelter that make them not 'homeless' from a legal standpoint.

Half the time my wife just tries to make due eating what they give her at her teaching job so she can save money for the restrictions I have to my diet for medical reasons. And then I feel guilty and terrible.

People don't get how different it is when you agonize over guilt about wanting to buy a single thing that sparks joy to stave off the depression at THE DOLLAR TREE because you're not sure if that'll be the dollar that makes the difference. Struggling to 'pull myself up by my bootstrap's and make money selling things but having to buy materials and constantly agonizing over the smallest profit margins because I need to be able to afford to fucking eat and buy medicine.

So when everyone else in a group is just, so utterly clueless, and even when you talk about not having water, or your broken windows, they all sit around and talk about how affordable the 20 dollar bead necklaces they sell are or how they 'don't really make much' while having their floors completely replaced in their house. How they would never stoop to buying such a 'terrible, run down cursed house' that is a)more expensive than the one you live in and b) A REALLY NICE SUBURBAN RANCHER WITH LIKE, SOME SLIGHTLY WEIRD ARCHITECTURE AND A MINOR BASEMENT FLOODING ISSUE???

And even after sitting there trying to express I was uncomfortable, or how some people don't have an option, I get pretentious answers about 'being too sensitive to energy to live in a house like that's which is really just salt in the wound because I have been literally *trapped in horrible domestic situations I could not escape* but sure fam, sit there and tell me 'its just a joke bro' while you continue to shame anyone for wanting to live in a mildly disgruntled house during a major housing crisis. There are ways to say 'i would never want to live there because I knew the people who died in it and didn't like them' without making broad sweeping strokes about 'why would anyone ever want to live in such a dump?' no one fucking does Susan, but some people have to, so shut the fuck up and stop rubbing affordable housing in the face of your friend who makes probably not even a 16th of your monthly income.

And that's somehow harder than being not able to eat sometimes. It's feeling like if you're ever honest people think you are begging. It's about people laughing at something where you are the butt of the joke or just don't even exist and feeling so god damn alone and isolated and helpless. It's knowing every friend you might make might eventually decide the class gap is just too uncomfortable and leave or worse- rub it in your face and salt in the wounds.

I'm tired

And I really appreciate having sinks and flush toilets.

[the-hanged-mans-ghost]

I'm looking for advice/wanna ask something, if anyone has the energy to respond. I want to start this off by saying I'm by no means a 'new' system, I've had dissociative issues and various alters for years, but I was in heavy denial for a long time, and I've only just recently started accepting what I'm a part of. That being said I don't know much about the terminology/how to talk about being a system as I haven't ever really looked into that portion much until recently for obvious reasons. With that in mind, I apologize if I say anything that is incorrect/sounds dumb or if I use an incorrect term.

I've had semi-unreliable communication in general with different alters/fictives in the past; usually there's *some* level of 'communication' even if it's just in the form of emotions/feelings/brief vague thoughts that aren't 'mine', but with specific alters it's been different, there's been better communication/easier communication, etc, and at first this fictive was one of them. I could get responses semi sort of regularly if things were important(it wasn't as dicey as it's been with other alters in the past basically).

This is where a few trigger warnings and context come in ig, TW for mention of animal death, grieving, depression, etc.

So for context at the beginning of December, our dog started acting really sick out of nowhere. This was on top of my depression already acting up because it's winter/I'm broke/I don't socialize enough/I'm having issues with my weight/body appearance, etc. We spend the first 3 days of December, right before my birthday(literally 3 days before) bringing our dog to the vet back and forth, spending literal thousands to give her the medications she needed to maybe have a tiny chance of making it through. She fought her way this long we figured we'd give her the chance to recover instead of putting her down. At the vet during her blood transfusions I had one of the worst episodes/feelings I've ever had related to stress/dissociation. Nothing felt real, I was sick to my stomach, I was swaying so bad I nearly fell when I stood, my head was spinning and I felt like I was going to pass out and throw up simultaneously. I was so out of it my mom (ex nurse) checked my pulse bc she thought I was having another heart episode(I wasn't). The weird thing was I couldn't hear anyone in my head. Usually when I'm really stressed I can hear someone kinda muffled( Usually more emotions/fleeting thoughts kinda communication than actual talking, but usually there's something). I couldn't hear or feel anything from anyone.

Honeybee passed the third night we brought her home, in my mothers arms while my partner and I were downstairs. We went upstairs and said our goodbye's and everyone but me cried. I had this mental barrier of 'I have to be strong' and 'I can't let them see me break down, I have to be there for everyone' on such a strong degree I just stood there and stared. I felt sick and spacey, but I didn't cry, and I felt alone.

It's been a month now and I haven't really heard anything from the headmates I had somewhat ok-ish 'communication' with, and idk, I just.. I don't know what happened? I've been through these things before, but this felt like it hit so much harder, and then followed up by the 'radio silence' so to speak I feel really off about it, and I guess I just wanted to know if anyone's ever experienced something similar? And how they worked through it? I already go to therapy, but my dr isn't a specialist in dissociative disorders by any means, but I could probably talk to her about it, but I'm not sure how much that would do. I mainly just wanted to see if anyone else has a shared experience, or something similar, and if there was a way I could maybe like.. reach out or something? idk, I just worry about them in a way? I saw a post talking about how you're still a valid system even is *list of x things here* and one was along the lines of 'even if you're not communicating well right now' or something and it hit something deep inside me I didn't think it would and I started bawling so??? Idk, any positive advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated..

[arlerts-angel]

hello mack! i hope i made it lmao im not good w physical desc but but js know that in this edit https://www.tumblr.com/aryomengrande/749530713692536832/keisukes-camera-roll-%E0%B4%A6-%E0%B4%A6-%E3%83%9E%E1%90%9F-cr-saecidal, thats me on the top, the photo in the middle and the one in the lower right, thats also me at the eras tour singapore 🤣

personality: very introverted. my mbti is intj-t. i don't entertain ppl if not necessary and usually keep to myself. i'm happy doing stuff alone. however, i'm actually a menace once i get comfortable lol. whatever stereotype you heard about being an eldest child, i fall in it—unhinged, hyperindependent, lots of trust issues, grew up quickly bc they had to raise their siblings, has a very difficult time asking for help, and etc. i have a bachelor's degree in biology and i was always the leader in our lab groupings (bc i'm reliable and i have like a million back-up plans bc i overthink a lot lmaooo) and was even the main author of our thesis and while i could've easily asked for help and my groupmates would've complied, i mostly refused bc i feel like it's like a testament to my shortcoming as a person/leader 😭 but will gladly accept help if it's offered 🥹🙏🏻. im not an overachiever, i js do what i can, i was always one of the tops in my class (top 8, 9, or 10). always nominated the class secretary bc my classmates think my handwriting is neat. i played lady capulet for theatre. im a three-time blood donor (cause i have the universal blood type hehe). my love language is acts of service. and you can ask all my buddies what their favorite trait of mine is, and their answer would be my loyalty. if you need me, i'll drop everything in a heartbeat if possible. i joined remedial classes (it was exclusive only to students struggling academically but still lol) bc my best friend who joined didnt know anyone there. my friends also go to me of they need real talk. rose-tinted glasses don't work on me—i will tell you as it is.

dislikes: physical or outdoorsy activities. i cycle 10 km a day and that's it for the day. once im lied/betrayed to, it's prob over. i loathe social gatherings. the first thing that comes to my mind when i see a cockroach is nuke the entire place.

interests: include mainstream pop music, but i really just listen to whatever spotify recommends. i love love horror movies. anything the horror genre has to offer. i love books, i love reading. ofc, drawing! both traditional and digital. i also love taking care of my son (my cat) lol i love sweets and my favorite dish is grilled tuna belly 🙏🏻

hope this is enough !! 😩💗

fandom: tokyo revengers

𝑰𝑻'𝑺 𝑨 𝑴𝑨𝑻𝑪𝑯!

RARA !!! i've matched you with baji for a couple of reasons! he would so appreciate your loyalty, and the two of you would bond over acting/theatre because baji is a good actor! i think baji would try to change your mind about physical activity (within reason) and show you how much fun you can have! he will absolutely try to be cute and show off to you, he loves a good adrenaline rush.

[akechi-stole-my-heart]

Wondering if the reason people make the thieves out as uncaring after 11/20 is because the game itself moves on too quickly from it? Not saying I haven't kind of fallen into that take myself, though not like harshly, just felt they didn't act like they cared *enough* as in it should have been shown more. Because of the way the game's social sim works, you don't get the thieves checking in on/visiting Akira whilst he recovered like you might see in a fic and it can just go straight back into the confidant ranks of helping people with their problems, with no special dialogue or anything to ask how he's doing beforehand; so I feel like that contributes to the takes a lot, especially when one hasn't replayed in a while (sorry your post gave me thoughts on how people get to that take in the fandom, like I think the plan sucked for other reasons such as "Surely someone would notice the lack of a body?" but that's a bit besides the point)

Yeah I think you're absolutely right about that. The structure of the game doesn't let the Thieves care about Akira afterwards. There's also a bit of dialogue during the plan explanation when Akira says "I'm just glad I didn't die" and no one responds to it, which is...kind of baffling. But that doesn't mean the Thieves don't care about him, it means the writers at Atlus made a weird choice. And we know that because we see in that same scene that all of them were very worried for their leader's safety, and like I mentioned before, Makoto herself says she's glad he made it out safe.

The structure of the game kind of fucks over Akira and makes the Thieves look like worse friends in general, too. He helps them throughout the confidants, and then they "stop hanging out" after that, once they all say they want to start helping him out like he helped them. So we don't ever get to see their friendships become reciprocal. But like, that doesn't mean they actually stopped hanging out in-universe. It's a limitation of the play style.

That all said, I do think there is a valid interpretation you can come to which is that the Thieves don't know Akira was traumatized, or the extent of the danger, because he never talks about it. He's overly selfless and doesn't ever talk about his issues, so I could totally see that happening, and it's my personal interpretation. But that doesn't mean the Thieves are terrible friends for failing to read between the lines like that. It's on Akira for refusing to communicate.

And you can even say that they should have been more concerned for him afterwards, and that they put him on too high of a pedestal and think of him as utterly infallible, especially after he escapes with his life. They're kids, and Akira did just survive the impossible.

Or maybe they try not to bring it up on purpose because they don't want hurt him by talking about it, but letting it fester just hurts Akira more and makes him feel like they don't care.

Point is, there's lots of ways to take this strangeness in the game and make it into interesting fic content to explore. There's absolutely a discrepancy going on and exploring that is super valid and interesting. But turning it into "the Thieves are ambivalent and selfish and completely blind to their leader's suffering" takes that way too far. And like...why do people want to do that? Well, at least in the cases I've seen, the answer is twofold.

First of all, there's a section of the fan base that really hates Makoto. This is mostly common among Akechi fans from what I've seen. I think it's a combination of misogyny and the fact that Makoto can be obnoxious sometimes with her defense of the police, which is especially egregious in this situation. Like, the police beat up her best friend, and she still wants to join them. That can read as callous...if you don't understand her as a character, but I digress. (Someday I should write a Makoto defense post bc yeah. People are very stupid about her.) Point is these people like making up reasons to dislike her even more, which is where I think the whole "the plan was her idea and just an ego trip" thing comes from.

And the other reason is that there are a lot of shuake shippers who really, really want Akechi to be Akira's only "true" friend who "really" understands him. Which like...is true to a certain extent, they do have a special bond and Akechi is the only confidant that doesn't ask Akira to fix something for him, etc etc. But them having a special bond DOES NOT EQUAL all of Akira's other friends being terrible friends who suck and DON'T understand him. There's room for nuance here! You can like the toxic ship between rivals without making it less toxic because actually he's the only one who REALLY respects and loves Akira.

Like, he shot him in the head, guys. Let's not delude ourselves here.

But yeah. I'm pretty sure these two sections of the fanbase are specifically Akechi stans, and so they twist actual parts of the game to make Akechi look better and the Thieves worse. They almost like, take Akechi's perspective to a certain extent? Akechi doesn't like Makoto, and Akechi thinks the Thieves are bad friends (maybe, presumably, we don't really know, but he definitely doesn't really like them all that much and he definitely thinks they idolize Joker too much), and these Akechi stans agree with him. Which is baffling to me. Maybe he has half a point, sure, but Akechi is also REALLY stupid and frequently wrong.

And like, to be clear in case anyone who doesn't know me sees this, I say all this as an Akechi stan (look at my username) and shuake shipper.

In conclusion, I do think there is something to be said about how the confidants are written to be unequal, the Thieves don't check in on Akira enough, and the idolization they very much do have for their leader! These are real things that could make for really interesting conflict in fic. But it can happen without villainizing the Thieves or saying they just straight up don't care about their leader. Which is an obvious lie.

I think most people do agree with me nowadays, I've seen a pattern of recent fic and fandom people talking about how this villainization is stupid and going out of their way to make it clear the Thieves do care, so that's good. It was mostly a thing in early fandom that disliked how Akira was treated by canon (valid), wanted to give him conflict in fic (very valid, I love Akira angst), and wanted to make Akechi the "better friend" (???) who understands Akira better than the others (technically true, but it's complicated).

(As for the body thing, Sae said she made sure no one would check the morgue, so you're not supposed to think about it I guess. Makes me wonder about the people who would have taken his body to the morgue, though. Like, did they not report the missing body to anyone? Idk, maybe Sae paid them off too, lol.)

[callmearcturus]

If PT!Benji met Canon!Benji, do you think that they'd recognize one another? What do you think they'd say to one another if they sat down and talked for a few hours?

Someone mentioned this in the comments of the latest chapter and now I am thinking about it. Not in the "what would they do" sense bc I don't know, I think they'd have tea and Dr. Benji would take a look at Agent Benji's injuries and try to help.

But as any longtime followers know, I really am fascinated by AUs and the tightrope walk of having aspects of a character that are constants, but also exploring how changes in the setting/circumstances create diversions in characterization.

To me, the primary difference between Agent Benji and Dr. Benji is a matter of dominion. Agent Benji is the supporting character in an action franchise, and what I love about him is his growth into competency. There is a reason Ethan reaches out to Benji and not Luther for Rogue Nation, and to me it's clear that while Luther is the best actual computer technician, Benji is a jack of all trades. Excellent marksman, has the initiative to throw himself into the fray without orders, is capable at tech-- he is not an unhinged tip of the spear like Ethan, but he is very inured to the lifestyle of being a spy and saving the world and all.

While Agent Benji is comfortable with all that, the travel and the missions and all, Dr. Benji's dominion is much smaller, but his confidence within it is much larger than Agent Benji's. Very early on in the timeline of the AU, Benji is handed a pretty significant sense of responsibility and control over a lot of really dangerous people. He's able to boss around all these agents and spies and shit, and when they are in his office, he's the boss.

I feel like all iterations of Benji have this capacity to run the show and issue commands, but for Dr. Benji it's very much heightened. By the time of Act Two, he is one of the only fixed elements of the IMF infrastructure, he has social capital with the agents, and he kind of knows it. He understands his position of authority and what it means. That sense of dominion and responsibility defines him. Which is part of why during the six months of RN, he's so lost, because he's separated from that dominion.

In short, Dr. Benji has a more collected, calmer sense of confidence than Agent Benji, but only in a specific arenas (taking care of people, getting laid, dealing with Ethan Hunt). Agent Benji, on the other hand, has grown into a world-weary person with a lot of broad confidence in his abilities and that he'll Get It Done, but it's not concentrated in the same way.

[golbrocklovely]

I think a lot of the younger fandom, the ones who often forget that Sam and Colby are both almost thirty, living their lives, while having a passion for youtube/paranormal, are indeed that. Adults.

They can take criticism and adjust if they want to, yet in my eyes I have no issues with them keeping life private, doing what they need to do and posting when they want to. I'm sure they are working insanely hard behind the scenes, the only problem really is that fans not all, but some believe they are entitled to have them engaging or posting when they want them to.

If they want that, then look for other channels, the Sidemen post every one to two days on one of their many channels plus on sideplus. A lot of british commentators post twice or three times a week.

Depending on the content and the context of what they are doing, taking time is better than getting a half assed not fully finished product.

As a fan who is older than most (at least I think so) it's shameful how others act.

/gets off soap box.

i agree with you. i think too many fans expect snc to just tell us everything that's happening with them at all times, bc they've done that for so many years. and bc fans are expecting that openness, when they don't get it… they feel like snc are hiding from us. when really they are just setting a boundary and all of those fans freaking out are just upset they don't have the inside scoop anymore.

bc look, if all of this was just about content and the lack of it recently, then i would be on board for the frustration. bc it is a bit sad to see less and less of them. but, if they don't want to share with us what they do in their free time, i'm not gonna harp on them for it. the one vid a month has been the usual for some time, they post on react weekly, and just bc they don't interact with us all the time like they once did doesn't mean they've changed.

like, the fandom 12 million ppl in it, even if snc wanted to talk to everyone in the fandom, they wouldn't be able to. and sorry, but it's not the end of the world if they don't want to talk to fans on twitter or any site for that matter. you aren't warranted unfeathered access to them just bc you buy merch or have supported them for years. it's not snc's job to interact with us. it's an added bonus, for our benefit (and theirs too). but it's only really mutual for them when WE AREN'T DICKHEADS to them.

personally, if snc only tweet out links to vids and merch drops from this point forward, i wouldn't lose sleep over it. who cares. my god lol

but the fact of the matter is all of this drama started with the girls. once they got in the picture, everyone started finding reasons to be hateful. and maybe now they aren't the sole reason, but they were the beginning. and snc have been flat out telling us that going on social media and seeing everyone's comments, mostly on twitter, is hard for their mental healths. and if the ppl on there can't accept that or want to argue about it, babes... you ain't got no one to blame but yourselves. bc snc have ALWAYS been forgiving, always been ppl pleasers. they wouldn't just randomly ice out part of the fandom for no reason.

but idk why i bother. if you don't agree with that side of the fandom, you're just an snc dick rider or too far up their asses to be "real" about them lol but look, if that means i know i can go to sleep at night knowing i haven't been ragging on their gfs for months on end or saying they've changed bc they set a boundary, then idc. call me snc's #1 dick rider.

[misspickman]

curious about all of them but ESPECIALLY theory: existence is a mirror 👀

oh ive been wrestling with this one for a while and probably will continue to, its a tim's mental issues fic bc ive seen a lot of stuff about him being depressed/passively or actively suicidal but none of it really sat right with me so im trying to figure out how i think this would manifest with the character, but its tim and hes difficult. much to think about. so unfortunately this wip is a mess and im not working on it actively bc its so hard to get the vibes right and its frustrating. anyway heres a bit

“Don't you have anything better to do,” Leslie asks—complains—as she digs out a bullet out of his shoulder on a beautiful Friday night, “than run around clobbering people all night?” 

“Crime doesn't sleep.” 

“No, but you should. And you are not the only one for this job, are you?” she points out. Rightfully. Tim still feels unnecessarily defensive and just barely stops himself from trying to prove to her how needed he is out there, actually. “You're too young for this to be the only thing you do.”

That takes him aback. This is the sort of conversation that Leslie usually unleashes on Bruce. It feels… painfully unearned to be getting it in his place. 

He doesn't want to be a part of this discussion. He'll leave that to Bruce, Leslie and Alfred to ponder over, and he can go back to his work as soon as Leslie's done wrapping up his shoulder. The only reason he's here and not doing it in front of his bathroom mirror anyway is because Helena decided to play protective and basically dumped him in front of Leslie's door, and would not let him leave even if he tried. 

It's really not that serious. It's just a shoulder. 

“With all due respect, Leslie—” 

“Tim,” she cuts him off, taking none of it, “with all due respect, you are twenty one and sitting in my clinic with a bullet wound on a Friday night. And I know you're out there every night. Do you even socialize?” 

Tim bristles. It's embarrassing, and makes him feel just as young as she's treating him. “That's none of your business.” 

It doesn't feel good, being rude to Leslie, but it's an instinctive reaction. Tim is well sick and tired of people trying to tell him how to live his life. 

He thinks back on his last attempt to talk to a person his age who isn't involved in any of his vigilante life. He even likes Buzz, he wouldn't mind reconnecting with him, which is what he assumes the sudden invitation was about, but there's nothing like a miserable social interaction where you can't think of a single non-incriminating thing to say to drive home just how unadjusted you are to having a civilian life. 

It had been easier before, back when he had dad and Dana to keep happy with lies, and was basically forced to keep a normal life. Scratch that, it wasn't easier; he agonized over keeping secrets every waking second, he kept two messy lives and never seemed to make enough time for either of them, but it did mean he had some semblance of a normal life. He hadn't thought of it that way back then, but he can see it now. There's none of that left. 

Now, he has more than enough time to dedicate himself to being Red Robin instead of Tim Drake. He thinks he's been doing a pretty good job of it—except, nobody else seems to share his opinion. 

“You'll run yourself ragged until there's nothing left but the cowl,” she says, and Tim has an inkling that this is far from the first time she's said those words.

(title from this poem bc u know. vibes)

[troglobite]

me talking abt the m9 all the time: i love beau :)

me rewatching the first 13 eps of the m9: oh my god i hate beau /complimentary

she was, by FAR, the WORST person in the group at the beginning of the campaign

(my least favorite was molly for personal preferences, not for like. the same reasons. lol)

closely followed by? yep, caleb.

the problem is this

beau/marisha early on NEVER FUCKING LISTENED. above table, marisha had to adjust to being an incredibly suspicious, nosy, judgmental asshole who had to know everything. very different from keyleth! marisha herself likes taking notes and stuff, she's not ignorant by any means, but the RP required different things. it was an adjustment.

BUT ALSO.

beau's attitude problem is literally a plotpoint. it's why she and fjord become early friends: he's coaching her on how NOT to be such a massive fucking asshole, and how to get what she wants, bc she completely lacks the social finesse to do that.

and so she CONSTANTLY pisses me off and every other character off, and she is FREQUENTLY wrong and STUBBORN about it. lol

and then acts smug like she's RIGHT, which is infuriating. lol

but it makes sense on a character level.

caleb's entire problem is just not wanting to talk to anyone and having trouble being part of a group.

most of the issue comes from above-table stuff where they ASSUME that liam as caleb is hiding all the loot and treasure for himself early on, when that's not true.

he takes SOME stuff for himself, yes, but they insist that he's hiding or stealing, and all he's ACTUALLY doing is being patient and deliberate with dolling out information and items. lol

so like, ABOVE table, i relate to THAT a lot more, bc everyone else completely lacks patience and trust in a deeply annoying way, egged on by how they play their characters.

so his is more sympathetic above table, so i personally feel like it's less of a problem.

BUT yes, in terms of who ruffles the most feathers in the group, it's

beau

caleb

and then a couple steps down is nott.

she's not actually a PROBLEM in the same way. she can talk and communicate just fine. she's sharp and witty and also very clear with how she talks (makes sense, character-wise), so her only "problem" is wanting to steal that letter from fjord.

they label her a general thief bc of it, and bc she steals from random ppl and has a Problem w pinching things.

but that's not why she goes to steal from fjord, and they KNOW that, and then they trick her into spilling secrets, and then they don't take any of that into consideration when grilling her abt stuff later on.

jester says it:

"why would nott trust us after this, that was all REALLY mean just then!"

jester is the clear moral compass of the group, NOT molly, as many people like to say.

fjord is The Face, and that includes in inter-group conflicts.

molly likes to think he's a lot smarter than he is (which makes the fact that he said those exact words to nott very ironic) and thinks he's more impartial than he is. as if being functionally 5 years old and being raised in a circus makes someone unbelievably wise/better than others. lol

in reality, molly's detachment from history, life, connections, and meaning, apart from very few things, means that he's not invested in stuff very much. all interactions are the same, to him.

but jester?

jester cares so much abt harmony and communication and honesty and care. she's an absolute sweetheart. she plays jokes and likes having fun, but fundamentally, SHE is the moral compass.

yes, the one who trapped a man on a balcony while completely nude is the moral compass of the group. lol

she doesn't think it's fair to dogpile nott (and caleb in absentia) the way the group does, and SHE'S RIGHT.

fjord tries to defuse, but molly and beau WON'T LET IT GO.

fjord already had it out with nott abt stealing, and is mostly satisfied.

but molly and beau WON'T LET IT GO.

fjord and caleb clearly understand each other, but just disagree.

but MOLLY AND BEAU WON'T LET IT THE FUCK GO.

jester never cared.

and nott is like "fuck you guys" lol

anyway, jester is the actual moral compass of the group, not molly.

jester is just sometimes inexperienced and goofy enough to suggest things out of left field that she doesn't necessarily always MEAN.

her goal is never to swindle, cheat, or harm somebody who either doesn't deserve it or can't take it (trying to cheat those 2 guys in the tavern out of some money in a card game? small potatoes and she likes the thrill of it. everyone/everything else deserves it, or likewise can take the hit)

she's sheltered and spoiled and inexperienced, but her mom DID teach her right and wrong, and bc of her experience growing up, she understands social dynamics and when ppl aren't listening to each other, and when harmony/cooperation is missing. she's not the most adept at getting there, but she IS just straightforward. she's a straightshooter. she doesn't mince words.

anyway i'm rambling again.

point being:

beau EVENTUALLY becomes the serious brains of the operation and is an invaluable asset to the group and to the cobalt soul in terms of espionage and interrogation and connecting the dots of all the disparate parts.

but at the beginning?

she's selfish, brash, loud mouthed, rude as FUCK, terrible at listening, accusatory at all times, and only very minimally self-aware.

she's a failwoman in the best/worst way.

and she retains the parts of her that are intrinsic and manages to heal and grow in such a way that she can wield and appreciate those traits in a healthier and more helpful and strategic way.

utterly fascinating.

and then caleb learns to trust and gain allies. he learns to forgive himself, bc ultimately that's what was holding himself back the most.

everyone else goes on journeys as well, but those are the two biggest ones.

let's all recall caleb walking away from beau doing the silent scream of "I CAN'T FUCKING STAND TALKING TO THIS STUBBORN FUCKING IDIOTIC WALL OF A WOMAN I'M GONNA FUCKING LOSE IT" [this is me putting into words what liam simply roleplayed as him silently screaming and tearing his hair out lol]

he was Right for that lol

again, she changes/grows and gets so much better at listening. that was ultimately her problem.

why would she ever want to listen to anyone, given how her dad treated her? listening was the mindkiller, to her. lol

so selective hearing was her problem for SOOOOO FUCKING LOOOOOONNNNGGGGGGG

and it's cool that once she got past that she became such a wonderful person (still with rough edges) and able to finely hone her skills and strengths, and just such a lethal weapon on and off the battlefield.

[psywife]

Hi Doves! I'm back! (Update/Successes)

Had to disappear for a bit bc one day I went to show him a website but had the tab up on my blog! Luckily it was in public view mode so it's not like he had any reason to think it was mine but I didn't want any issues so I locked my blog juuuust in case he got curious. But that was like 7 months ago! I forgot to come back and open it lol.

Anyway! In brief he and I are on great terms, and I've refined my process a bit.

I think at this point manifesting an SP is not enough. As I've said before, one of the problems with doing it is that many ppl focus on tiny crap like forms of contact. While this can be really useful for building your own faith in your abilities, it's IMO a waste of energy that makes things take longer bc if you just straight out focused on manifesting someone who adored you and always 'comes running' to be in a committed relationship, they'll naturally end up doing things like calling you, wanting to spend time w you, etc.

So while my SP has completely become consistent, in contact, flirty, thoughtful and once more emotionally expressive towards me, I'm actually not attached at all to how things go with him per se and now completely refocused on a quality, beneficial marriage as my username suggests lol.

Why? As a woman I know that there's no real 'need' for a man or to get married, and in fact, getting married can be a step down for many of us successful girlies if the man isn't top notch excellent.

However it CAN be beneficial, as when a man provides, makes life easier, loves being a good husband, etc. So that's what I'm focused on!

The only 'challenge' was minor- expressing my intentions to get married. I never really explicitly talked about it before bc I felt it would be awkward since my SP is either always around me or always checking/contacting via social media.

BUT a youtuber I like once pointed out it's a great way to get guys to step up or move out of the way! I've noticed that when I post about what I want in a husband, or relationship things like that, he always likes or reacts.

Again, I don't feel any intense reaction or meaning to him doing that, I'm v detached. Bc of course he would, right? I'm amazing. But what really matters is the ring, the bills paid, the devotion.

I'm slightly updating the few techniques I still bother using at this point (bc otherwise it's really about your vibes and how you treat yourself) and will post on them later!

(If you're new to my blog come take a scroll there's lots of stories and tips!"

-Psywife