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pennylaneforthoughts · 3 years ago

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After some thinking, a conversation with my sister-in-law with a psych degree, and a couple of sessions with my godsend of a therapist, I think I've finally put my finger on the thing about Mobius that Loki (and a lot of the fandom tbh) so quickly latched onto like a man dying of thirst at the first sign of water:

Unconditional positive regard.

This concept is at the core of client-centered psychology and basically is a stance that a therapist will take in relation to their client, where they simply accept and support their client as a person, regardless of what they do or say.

My therapist uses this framework with me, and when the Loki series came out, I immediately saw Mobius and was like "holy crap, this man has the exact same energy as Sami what???" And I couldn't for the life of me figure out why until I was talking about it with my sister-in-law and she mentioned unconditional positive regard. And then it clicked.

Mobius radiates unconditional positive regard from the minute he meets Loki in episode 1, and arguably even from the first time we even see him onscreen. He approaches everyone he interacts with using a basic framework of "I see you and care about you as a person, and nothing you do or say can change that," so we immediately get the impression that this man is soft, kind, and shaped like a friend. However, it's most obvious and pointed in his interactions with Loki.

While yes, Mobius' primary objective in episode 1 is to interrogate Loki, it's important to note that it's not an interrogation where Mobius is trying to find proof of guilt for a crime like we'd see in a typical detective procedural. Rather, Mobius is trying to see if this variant of Loki is self aware enough to be able to help him in his hunt for Sylvie. It's fundamentally a test to find out Loki's current place in his emotional and psychological development. It is not maliciously intended, and it is not designed to harm Loki. On the contrary, the intent is clearly to help Loki begin to come to terms with the reality of who he is and the choices he has made.

In fact, the whole time this is happening, Mobius very purposefully strives to foster an environment where Loki knows that A.) Mobius sees him. Truly sees and knows him. B.) Despite knowing what Loki is and what he's done, Mobius loves him and regards him positively, and C.) nothing Loki can do or say will change that positive regard.

Loki, however, is super not used to receiving unconditional positive regard. He has no idea how to respond to it. He feels like it's a trick, like there's another shoe just waiting to drop. I related to him hardcore in this scene because that's exactly how I felt when my therapist presented me with unconditional positive regard for the first time. It's confusing and strange and difficult to believe at first. Especially because it sets the stage for honest self reflection and personal growth that can be incredibly painful.

Loki is not a perfectly innocent person. He has done a lot of really bad things and hurt a lot of people in his life. He has a lot of very deep seated trauma that has informed these actions, but he still made those choices and he needs to take responsibility for them. This is not a fun process. Mobius knows this is actually a really awful, sucky process. But he also knows that change and growth requires two things: acknowledgement that a change needs to be made and the expectation that change can and will occur when properly cultivated. Mobius clearly laying out the reality of Loki's actions and who he is in the Sacred Timeline is the first part of that equation, and his unflappable, unconditional positive regard towards Loki as a person despite knowing that reality cultivates an environment for the second part to flourish.

"By definition, it is essential in any helping relationship to have an anticipation for change. In the counseling relationship, that anticipation presents as Hope—an optimism that something good and positive will develop to bring about constructive change in the client's personality. Thus, unconditional positive regard means that the therapist has and shows overall acceptance of the client by setting aside their own personal opinions and biases. The main factor in unconditional positive regard is the ability to isolate behaviors from the person who displays them." (source)

Mobius is not Loki's therapist, but he does take on a therapeutic role in Loki's life. He shows Loki that he is fully aware of all of Loki's faults and mistakes. He's seen them over and over again and knows them by heart because it's his job. And in the face of all of that he looks at Loki and says that he doesn't see him as a villain. That he likes him anyway and believes that Loki has the potential to help him and what he believes is the cause of good. (Yes the TVA is corrupt, but neither of them know that at this point, and the fact that both Mobius and Loki believe this to be the side of good to varying degrees is important here)

Mobius maintains this regard throughout the series and his subsequent interactions with Loki and when talking about Loki to Ravonna and others, and it's a big part of why Loki so quickly trusts and feels comfortable around Mobius. I know some people say it's unrealistic how fast it was, but it made a lot of sense just based on my experience. I mean, after one (1) session with my therapist, I was 100% ride or die for him, and it was kind of absurd. But the feeling of being seen like that is so potent when you're starved for it, that extreme reactions to it make a lot of sense. And if anyone's starved for unconditional positive regard, it's Loki.

Mobius is only human though, and he's not perfect at this. Over the course of the series, it's clear that Mobius has emotionally invested a lot in his Loki, and he struggles to maintain a professional distance, though he usually is able to keep his head enough to give Loki that positive regard he needs. The only time we see this regard slip is in episode 4 when Mobius is feeling betrayed and jealous. In these moments, Mobius is unable to step back from his feelings enough to get into a headspace where he can separate Loki's actions from who he is. He calls Loki an asshole and a bad friend, and it comes from a place of hurt and jealousy. It's also what drives Loki into a defensive mode we haven't seen since episode 1. He's no longer receiving that unconditional positive regard from Mobius and he feels betrayed. He worries that maybe it was all an act in the first place and Mobius never really cared for him at all. For the first time, Loki feels like Mobius doesn't see the best in him anymore and it hurts.

Mobius' unconditional positive regard was genuine, though, and this is reinforced in the subsequent scenes where we see him act on his instinctual desire to assume the best of Loki and investigate his claims. We see it again when he returns to Loki and he reaffirms both his desire to trust Loki and his belief that Loki can be "whoever, whatever he wants to be, even someone good." At this point, Loki is able to accept it and no longer pushes back against Mobius' belief in Loki's goodness and that he "has within himself vast resources for self-understanding, for altering his self-concept, attitudes, and self-directed behavior." He's grown and begun to see himself in a more realistic and positive light and it's a direct result of the time Mobius has spent cultivating that relationship based on unconditional positive regard.

That's why their relationship feels so comfortable and satisfying. Unconditional positive regard isn't only a therapy principle. It's something everyone craves in a relationship. To be seen as you are, flaws and mistakes and quirks and all is terrifying and mortifying, but when that person then just smiles and says I love you anyway because you are not your mistakes and you are not your flaws and nothing you can ever do or say can change how I feel about you, the relief and joy and comfort is more than worth the discomfort. So I think the idea that Mobius can look at someone as deeply flawed, broken, and jaded as Loki and love him exactly as he is right there and then, eyes wide open and smiling, believing that beneath it all Loki has the potential to be good, gives us hope that someone could do the same for us. I know that's what Lokius does for me, at least. Mobius represents to me the ideal of unconditional positive regard, and having an image of what that looks like in the character of Mobius gives us the opportunity to apply it to ourselves when we may not get it elsewhere in our lives. And I, for one, think that's very sexy of him.

#lokius #wowki #loki #mobius #loki x mobius #mobius my beloved #He is my comfort character and this is why #Also this is low key homework from my therapist bc my attachment to this man has become a literal tool in my therapist's belt #And it's both excellent and embarrassing lmaoooooo

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tealin · 4 years ago

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Observation Hill

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There is no mistaking Observation Hill when you arrive at McMurdo, if you know anything about it. It is a distinct cone, right at the end of the peninsula – even if you've never seen a picture of it, its name alone tells you it's a prime lookout, and sticking out into McMurdo sound as it does, it has clear views in every direction.

I had seen pictures of it, but I was still surprised how it loomed over the station. Unlike the vastly larger Mt Erebus, it is visible from everywhere; whether you're eating in the Galley or crawling back to bed from the Crary lab in the wee hours, it's always looking over your shoulder.

Though not apparent in the above photo, it is clearly visible in person that there is a large cross mounted nearly at the peak of the hill. Visitors especially from the States might assume it is just another expression of religious devotion – Christ died on a cross on a hill, so hilltop crosses are not unusual in a country which puts great stock in expressions of Christianity – but this is not another one of those things, in fact it isn't even American. This cross was erected in January 1913 by the surviving men of the Terra Nova Expedition, as a memorial to Captain Scott and the other members of his party who died out on the Ross Ice Shelf on their way home from the South Pole.

Before the ship arrived it was decided among us to urge the erection of a cross on Observation Hill to the memory of the Polar Party. On the arrival of the ship the carpenter immediately set to work to make a great cross of jarrah wood [an Australian hardwood]. There was some discussion as to the inscription, it being urged that there should be some quotation from the Bible because "the women think a lot of these things." But I was glad to see the concluding line of Tennyson's "Ulysses" adopted: "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."

... Observation Hill was clearly the place for it, it knew them all so well. Three of them were Discovery men who lived three years under its shadow: they had seen it time after time as they came back from hard journeys on the Barrier: Observation Hill and Castle Rock were the two which had always welcomed them in. It commanded McMurdo Sound on one side, where they had lived: and the Barrier on the other, where they had died. No more fitting pedestal, a pedestal which in itself is nearly 1000 feet high, could have been found.

(Apsley Cherry-Garrard, The Worst Journey in the World, pp.565-7)

The establishment of the cross took two days: the first, to hack a hole in the volcanic rock in which to mount it, and the second to carry up the pieces and erect them.

It stands nine feet out of the rocks, and many feet into the ground, and I do not believe it will ever move. When it was up, facing out over the Barrier, we gave three cheers and one more. (ibid., p.567)

106 years later, there is a hiking trail up Observation Hill. I had intended to make a pilgrimage since the moment I arrived, but with everything else going on, and the ongoing challenge to get enough sleep, it wasn't until quite late in my visit that I finally made it.

My first attempt was on a relatively fine day, when I thought I could get some good views. The trailhead was clearly marked on the station map, but when I got there I couldn't find a way to reach it without crossing a fuel pipeline, and I had a dim recollection from orientation that this was a big no-no. I wandered about looking for access until I started getting a headache from the fumes, and gave up.

The next opportunity came a few days later, after I'd found out from a veteran that it was OK just to step over the pipeline there. It was a thickly cloudy day, and hazy by Antarctic standards, so I wouldn't get as good a view, but that did mean I could look forward to having the hill to myself. So I stepped over the pipeline and started up.

It looks like a terribly steep climb from the bottom, but once on the slope it's not so bad, and is far less slippery than the gravel slope of Arrival Heights. Partway up I passed a mountain rescue class, but beyond that the trail was entirely mine.

Like the rest of Ross Island, Observation Hill is volcanic in origin – in fact it was once a small volcano of its own. Unlike the subglacial volcano that is now Castle Rock, which grew cylindrically through a hole it melted in the ice, Observation Hill must have been uncovered in its later years at least, because it has the classic cone shape made by molten rock running down the outside. It is a lighter colour than much of the rest of the exposed rock in the area, and in places, it gives a really good impression of being sedimentary rather than igneous.

While the climb was not as physically intense as I had feared, it did still make me very warm, and I had two pauses, not to catch my breath but to cool down. One was to watch the rescue class, the other was when, somewhere near the top, I lost the trail, and examined the terrain for a while to guess which side would be least fall-off-able. I chose the wrong one, it turns out – I didn't fall off, but I did have to pick my way over some bare rock and came out above the cross, which is mounted in a pocket of rubble just off the peak.

It's hard to tell from the photo but it is in fact quite large – I am an average sized female and I stood well under the crossbar. The inscription is still there, but over a century of blizzards have battered it, and some parts are just barely decipherable.

The names – above of the worst of the blowing grit – are still legible. This gave me one of those moments which always seems to come by surprise. I have lived most of my life, and certainly all of my career, in close proximity with fictional characters, who demand to be believed in, either out of escapist necessity or professional duty. Most of the time I am off in my own little world, and the fact that that little world is now a historical moment in Antarctica does not, necessarily, make it more real, in relation to my literal present reality, than any movie I've worked on. I know these guys were real, I have seen film footage of them, and read their handwriting, and, some of them, even met members of their families! But when I'm up to my elbows in the work, it's easy to give it the part of my brain that suspends disbelief on a production. Suddenly something will come along that jolts me back to their reality: in this case, a name carved on a physical object by someone who knew them personally.

At the same time, this physical object impressed upon me again just how much time separates their reality and mine. Originally the cross was painted white, with the incised letters filled in black. Only a little of the white paint remains in the deepest recesses of what are quite shallow letters, now. In 1960, when Silas Wright returned and was photographed up here, the wood had already been scoured clean. His visit was 47 years after the cross was put in place, and 49 years before mine. The same imagination that conflates historical realities with fictional ones can make those years evaporate, but that is still a lot of years, and erosion, unlike imagination, doesn't lie.

Cherry may have believed that the cross would never move, but it has in fact blown down twice, once in the winter of 1974 and again in 1993. Its restoration in 1994 was a significant effort: a new concrete "boot" was made for it at Scott Base and delivered to the site by helicopter, and the cross itself was relayed up the hill by teams of helpers. (You can see photos of the event here, p.44) I cannot say how moving it is to see such an outlay of resources and enthusiasm by people who never met the Polar Party, to perpetuate their memory.

The cross isn't the only thing to see at the top of Observation Hill, of course – there is everything else. It turned out to be the perfect way to end my tour of Terra Nova landmarks, not only because it was the last bit of home territory the Terra Nova men themselves visited, but because I could see nearly everywhere I'd been from up here.

As you can see, it was not the greatest day for landscape photography, what with the matte light and the taller mountains being covered with cloud. But I had not come up here to take pictures. The sombre atmosphere befitted what I had come to do, which was to remember these men and thank The Powers That Be for the blessings that had been showered upon me in the last few weeks.

The cross faces south, towards their last camp, and the Pole. This is, of course, a thoughtful and fitting aspect of the memorial. It also gives the impression of a beacon, a light in a window, a lighthouse on a headland, guiding them home. The men who erected it knew the men were dead. They are still dead. We all know this. But they are still out there somewhere, and it is not impossible to imagine some small irrational part of the human psyche wanting, in some small way, to show them the way back, and call them back by name.

Minna Bluff was covered in cloud, so I couldn't use it as a bellwether, but the wind started to pick up and was colder than before, so I thought I should start heading down again. The correct trail was obvious from this end, and I poked along it for a little way before everything caught up with me and I sat down to have a little cry.

The cross is a historical artefact, and while it is not as plum or as complex as the huts, it still requires conservation. Alarmed by the degree of erosion on the lettering, the Antarctic Heritage Trust has devised a shell to protect it from the worst of the winter winds. That will do something, but it has already lost a lot. When I was up there, I wondered why it hadn't ever been repainted, as the paint would go a long way to protecting it, and when the paint wore off it could just get repainted instead of eating further and further into the wood. The raw timber is more harmonious with the environment, and I like it better aesthetically that way, as do many others I'm sure – the white cross with black letters in Debenham's photo from 1913 is very stark and artificial in such a magnificent landscape. But it would last a lot longer.

On the other hand, generations of Antarcticans now have the cross as a touchstone, not only as their link to the history (not everyone gets to visit Cape Evans) but as a landmark in their own experience of Antarctica. It was personally important to the men who painted it white and put it up, but it is also personally important to hundreds, if not thousands, of people since then, who have never seen it white and don't know that's how it started, and might see the repainting as a travesty. If it were to be conserved, to what extent would that go? Would the letters be re-carved deeper, obliterating what remains of Davies' original work? At what point does conservation end and adulteration begin?

The alternative is to take down the original and keep it somewhere out of the weather – Scott Base perhaps – and replace it with a replica. Jarrah is still available, the letters could be carved afresh, it could be the bare wood everyone has known and loved for the last fifty years at least, and the original could be saved from the effects of weather once and for all. But doesn't this defeat the intent of the original in some way, and make it – dare I say – a Disneyland version? Do we owe more to history to keep it as it is and let the elements wear it down, or to preserve it as long as possible and do whatever might be necessary to extend the experience and historical understanding of a place, if not its authenticity?

These are all questions that curators and conservators have been grappling with for years, so I leave it to them to make the decisions. I am grateful to have seen the original, and to have a moment to myself up there to reflect on these things, and more. I hope, whatever happens with it in the future, Observation Hill is not de-crossed entirely. How else will they find the way home?

#antarctica #mcmurdo station #observation hill #conservation #history #memorial #artefacts #scott expedition #terra nova expedition #scott base

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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One of the weird things about WiLW is that, despite everyone canceling Boscha and declaring Boschlow dead (even as a crackship), it kinda makes the best case so far for why it could be made to work. If that makes sense? Like it was my nOTP before, but I saw how both of their biggest flaws is the other's greatest strength. And a fiery odd-couple opposites-attract pair would be a good foil to the sweet pining soulmates that are Lumity. Their history gets in the way, but not insurmountably so.

Now, this is an idea I hesitantly consider and tread upon, for obvious reasons… Boschlow was a fun crack ship back during the mid-season hiatus, as the only thing we saw Boscha do to Willow was mockingly call her out for not being invited to the Moonlight Conjuring, and that was about it. But then Understanding Willow revealed that Boscha had in fact been bullying Willow for quite a while, and clearly it left QUITE some damage on Willow’s psyche… And while Boscha’s bullying in WilW was implied to be more intense than her usual torment, that doesn’t change the fact that she literally dumped garbage on Willow! I’m not opposed to seeing the two reconcile… But clearly, Boscha owes all of the apologies here, and has a lot to make up for, and Willow would be justified in not wanting to ever contact the girl, ever again.

Honestly, I don’t necessarily see Willow and Boscha as two sides of the same coin, like I do for Luz and Amity… The two of them are mostly just foils and contrasts to one another. Though, I AM always eager to hear others’ takes on the two, and how one might interpret Willow and Boscha as such! At the very least, I think Willow and Boscha, initially, had an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ principle to how they dealt with things that troubled them, to varying degrees… There’s Willow not wanting to dwell on her bad memories with Amity, which she does in a healthier sense than Boscha- Who will sometimes dismiss her issues about something, because the thing in question is actually just dumb and doesn’t matter anyway!

But as we can see… Boscha doesn’t always entirely ignore things, either- She’ll dredge up drama and go out of her way to antagonize others like Willow, instead of simply ignoring her feelings on the matter and letting it be done! She’ll LET her displeasure be known, and while it’s good for Boscha to sometimes acknowledge her unhappiness, she unfortunately proceeds to deal with it in a less than constructive manner… I feel like an actually healthy relationship/dynamic between the two would also require Boscha to tone herself down quite a bit, even if she can still maintain that sense of fiery competitiveness and boldness that she’s always had.

Likewise, while I think Willow has EVERYTHING to give and provide to Boscha, more on that later… I’m not sure there’s really anything meaningful that Boscha could give her, that others don’t already do and better? Boscha’s strength is artificial and toxic to herself and others. Superficially it might make Willow feel better initially, but in the long run Boscha’s ideals are harmful. Especially if she tries to imply to Willow that she’s ‘worthy’ specifically because of her prowess with Plant magic, and not regardless of it. But, I am liable to others’ takes and interpretations on the two!

Personally, my read on Boscha is that she’s afraid. She doesn’t want to be a ‘loser’, she’s afraid of the potential loneliness and emotional turmoil that may come from that, and she thinks that losers ‘deserve’ their own pain, no less… So Boscha is actively trying to compensate for who she is, so she can ‘prove’ herself as better than that, both to her own personal concepts, and maybe to someone else…

She also seems fixated on pain, in a sense- Her own, and causing retribution towards those who ‘hurt’ Boscha. There’s a quiet moment where Boscha is impressed by how mature Luz is, for taking all of the blame… And she briefly seems to reevaluate her stance on Luz, before stubbornly sticking to her previous dislike. It’s like Boscha felt actual sympathy for Luz in that moment, but then closed off any room for reconsidering who Luz was and respecting her. She doesn’t want to change her mind on ‘losers’ like Luz, because surely there was a good reason for hating and bullying people like that…

Boscha doesn’t want to reconsider her stance on Luz, not let the girl get into her head and ‘infect’ her with weakness. She’s lowkey afraid of the kind of people that Luz and Willow are, or what she sees them as; And it’s why she’s so vehemently livid towards ‘losers’ like those two! And, I think Willow could be interesting for Boscha, because Willow was obviously who Boscha hated the most, or at least much longer, compared to others. She singled out Willow, almost like she was projecting her own insecurities onto the girl, that hurting Willow would be like gaining retribution upon the insecurities and flaws that Boscha saw in herself, and the girl.

Going back to what I said about Boscha focusing on retribution, how she doesn’t seem willing to repair and heal over mistakes together, and would rather punish… I think Willow is someone who can teach Boscha how to forgive, withoutforgetting. And let’s be real here, can it even be said if Willow and Luz ACTUALLY hurt Boscha in a serious sense, and/or their actions weren’t justified, plus completely innocent? Not to mention, Boscha is ignoring that all of those other students chose to prioritize attention to Willow over Boscha? Aside from Boscha recognizing that a lot of her own pain came from herself and her own exaggerated reactions to Luz and Willow’s innocent actions…

We saw how Willow dealt with pain, regarding Amity. I feel like she’s someone who can show Boscha how to deal with that sort of thing, how one can actually be mindful of the circumstances of what happened, and really take that into account, while considering one’s feelings and the source of those emotions. Clearly the situation was different, as Willow did nothing to deserve Amity’s rejection, while Boscha MORE than earned some negative karma on her own end… But you get the idea.

Boscha needs to actually get over her apprehensions about ‘losers’ like Luz and Willow, before she can truly heal… Instead of just ignoring those feelings first and getting along, because that kind of friendship would then be superficial. Boscha changing her apprehensive stance on someone like Willow, especially, is important- Because to Boscha, Willow is emblematic and definitive of the kind of person she doesn’t want to be… Or at least, she’s the one closest to that definition, that Boscha can actively get away with tormenting.

Changing her stance on Willow would show so much, how Boscha has learned to improve and open her mind to other people and their ways of living and existing, and feeling. Perhaps it would be THE final step/accomplishment, the ultimate proof of Boscha having changed… Not making the same mistakes, when presented the chance to. Willow is someone who can show Boscha that the kind of person that she doesn’t want to be… ISN’T so bad after all, that there’s nothing to be afraid of, you aren’t necessarily going to become that kind of person by being with them- And even if you do, it’s not so bad! It’d be incredibly relieving to Boscha, and I can see her being grateful to Willow…

Likewise, I can see her admiring Willow- Boscha can now appreciate just how strong and vigilant Willow really is, and how inspiring the Park girl is to her. Willow proves to Boscha that the kind of person she is, isn’t just someone to accept- It’s the kind of person to learn and take cues from, to strive to be like! Boscha is going to be amazed at how strong Willow was, withstanding all those years of abuse when Boscha herself likely couldn’t even IMAGINE handling that… She’s going to show Boscha that there’s more than one way to be strong, and arguably, Willow’s way is better. Willow can show Boscha that you can be soft and open with others, while being even stronger and more resilient to pain, than the kind of person Boscha was…

And, it can show Boscha how to truly defend herself. How to be strong in a way that REALLY matters, and then Boscha can feel safe in a real sense, VS barricading herself past several walls she’s built up, but otherwise never overcoming her fear and adversity. Really, I think Willow has WAY more to teach Boscha, rather than the other way around… While I’m all for people mutually teaching one another different things, it’s worth noting that Boscha was entirely in the wrong for bullying Willow, and that Willow was certainly not ‘guilty’ of anything that warranted this kind of torment whatsoever.

Willow has definitely ‘outgrown’ Boscha and her destructive fire. And, considering what Boscha did to her… Like I said, Willow has a lot to offer Boscha. But Boscha isn’t owed that, Boscha has had an issue with thinking she’s owed reverence and glory for being ‘strong’, for having suffered and endured and used that pain to forge herself into a ‘superior’ kind of person… But in the end, Boscha needs to not be entitled, and realize that she’s no better nor worse than anyone else. And she can’t work to change this fact, either- It’s just how it is!

Willow doesn’t owe Boscha anything. She’s not the girl’s caretaker, she’s not her savior unless Willow wants to be… Which leads me to the idea that to start, Boscha needs to just let Willow exist. She needs to be mindful of Willow’s existence, give the girl room to flourish and grow… And Boscha needs to apologize, with no expectations attached. Only by healing their relationship, and getting it to a point where Boscha won’t hurt Willow, nor does she expect anything from Willow because of this… Only then can Willow feel safe about teaching Boscha a thing or two on how to live, and even so, that’s entirely her choice. Boscha needs to prove that she’ll respect whatever decision Willow makes, even if it prioritizes Willow and/or others over Boscha herself. It’s not some personal insult towards Boscha, people have their own lives that don’t revolve around her, and they don’t owe the girl anything for being ‘better’ than them, not that Boscha actually is to begin with!

This is, of course, all speculation- Most of which hinges entirely on my specific read and interpretation of Boscha and her character. Honestly, this could prove very wrong if we learn more about Boscha’s character, and I’d have to reevaluate how a relationship between her and Willow would work. But first and foremost, Boscha needs to respect Willow as her own person, and not just a potential girlfriend, nor as someone she should idolize, either… Willow doesn’t have to be ‘cool’ in Boscha’s eyes to gain her respect. And similarly, I can see Boscha getting close with Willow, but then trying to play up how cool she is to others, and maybe how cool Willow is… Because she wants to justify being with a ‘loser’ like Willow.

And Willow will rightfully take offense at that. She’s going to tell Boscha to stop trying to act like Willow herself is so ‘lowly’ that Boscha needs to socially compensate for being friends with her. Willow herself, on her own, is perfect as-is, and Boscha doesn’t have to act like she isn’t- She needs to stop caring about appearances or the opinions and reverence of others, so much! Boscha needs to value her own opinion of herself, her own self-worth, without making it dependent on whether or not others fear/adulate her.

It’s kind of like Amity or Lilith, in a sense- Where Boscha doesn’t believe in her own evaluation of herself nor trust it… So she looks to others as a judge, as a litmus test to decide if she’s ‘worthy’ or lovable and whatnot. Boscha looks to how others reverentially regard her in order to decide if she’s good enough, instead of just looking at the mirror and deciding that if Boscha is happy- Then she IS good enough! All that should be required is for Boscha to be happy and content with herself. Her own opinion of herself DOES have value, believe it or not… And that’s something Willow herself learned, too, though unlike Boscha she didn’t try to cope with feeling ‘unworthy’, by hurting others- Instead Willow just ‘accepted’ this alleged lowliness of herself before Luz pointed out otherwise, that Willow was never unworthy to begin with!

So, yeah- Boscha needs to stop being afraid of the kind of person that Willow is. She needs to see that people like Willow and Luz are perfectly valid as-is, that there is no hierarchy where a certain type of person is better or worse than others. Boscha needs to trust in her own opinion and self-confidence in herself, and not be so reliant on what others have to say. She needs to stop being entitled to power and adulation, even if Boscha went through the effort to ‘earn’ it… Because nobody agreed to compensate Boscha in the first place. It’s like working so hard to give someone gifts without them even asking, and then expecting to be rewarded. Boscha needs to be mindful of others and their existence, and see it as not that bad anway… And that it’s okay to be like others. Boscha can still hold onto her own identity, and remember her own feelings while still working past them.

Honestly, this could be but the tip of the iceberg, regarding the many issues that Boscha has, and how Willow could help her. On the flipside, I can see Boscha being the kind of person to mercilessly give Willow encouragement… And tell Willow that yes, Willow IS strong, and she did earn the right to be beloved by others! But again, this ties back into the idea of love being conditional, which seems contradictory to what this show has to say. Like I said, Willow has so much more to teach Boscha, and it’s up to her to decide if she wants to- And even so, Boscha needs to recognize that her existence isn’t exactly reliant on whatever decision that Willow makes, either.

Really, I’m not at all against seeing Boscha’s character be explored and given depth, maybe even reformed for her own sake? I guess I’m a forgive and forget type of guy. I’m willing to forgive Lilith, who cursed her own sister, and was also Head Witch of the Emperor’s Coven- So she hurt a lot of other people BESIDES Eda, and that’s something Lilith herself and some people in the fandom need to recognize more. And I feel like government persecution is worse than bullying, not to say the latter isn’t bad either- If anything, bullying already being bad, as-is, just says a lot more about how terrible persecution is by being worse!

And me, I’m willing to consider motives and introspection for freaking Belos, who committed genocide upon wild witches just for existing, and set up the toxic coven system and environment that contributed to Boscha’s own toxicity in the first place. I guess for some, Boscha’s bullying hits closer to home than Belos’ persecution of people, hence why they’re justifiably angrier at her particularly. Those feelings are absolutely valid… Unfortunately, recent events have led to government persecution becoming a lot more relatable as well. Which, gets me to my point that if I can consider Belos’ side of the story, I can at least do the same for Boscha. Not to mention, it’s worth noting that Lilith and Belos are fully-grown adults, but Boscha is still a kid- So she’s got room to improve and change people, let’s remember that amidst still holding her accountable!

#the owl house #owl house #boschlow #the owl house boscha #the owl house willow #willow park #character analysis #speculation #ask

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apple-grass-and-smiles · 4 years ago

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Prodigal Son Appreciation Week, Day Two: Favorite Female Character

Hi, everyone! So, my favorite female character in PSon is Dani, but I’ll be showing her lots of love throughout the rest of the week, so I wanted to spread the love out a bit. I honestly have adored just about every female character on this show, but I really wanted to dive into Ainsley a bit and this was a good excuse.

What I have today for you is an exercise in walking through the possible personality disorders a psychiatrist/psychologist might consider for Ainsley, which are called differentials. What comes with this meta is an entire novel’s-worth of disclaimers but basically, 1) I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist; I’m a kid who is one class short of a psychology degree. 2) Personality disorders are not my main area of expertise, but I have tried to do some research for this, and to the best of my knowledge everything I share here is up-to-date with current research and psychology standards. 3) I personally don’t know if I think Ainsley could have a personality disorder (PD), but the show implies she does, especially in 2x11, so I’m running with it and trying to choose which one I think fits best. 4) This is FOR FUN! I am looking at a fictional character, who we definitely haven’t seen enough of to diagnose with just about anything, nevermind a PD, and guessing what disorder would fit best with her. I’m happy to discuss this topic further with people (especially since I know quite a few Prodigal Son fans are also psych students), just please don’t take any of this very seriously.

With that out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff. I’ll be looking at three possible PDs: antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), histrionic personality disorder (HPD), and narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). All of the diagnostic criteria I am using comes from the DSM-V, which is the diagnostic manual we use to see if a person meets all of the requirements for a disorder.

Antisocial Personality Disorder-

ASPD gets thrown around A LOT in the crime shows, Prodigal Son, and fandom discussions. If someone is said to be a psychopath or sociopath, like Martin often is, in a fictional story, generally the implication is that they also have ASPD. (I say generally because those are both common terms now and also the differences/meanings of those terms are...messy.) It is also the diagnosis we usually slap onto a person when we mean ‘they did crimes because they’re crazy/unfeeling and that’s their motivation’, which is not really accurate. While I would not be surprised if the show claimed Ainsley has ASPD because of its pop culture connotations, I mostly am considering it here because there are some indicators of Martin having it and PDs, like lots of mental illnesses and disorders, do frequently have at least a small genetic component.

However, I can pretty quickly throw ASPD out of the running. One of the requirements for ASPD is there being “evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years.” Conduct disorder is a diagnosis we give to people under 18 when they show consistent disregard for rules and other people. Some people with conduct disorder then go on to develop ASPD. (You cannot diagnose someone with ASPD if they are under the age of 18, hence why conduct disorder exists. For example, Issac from 1x06 couldn’t be diagnosed with ASPD, but he could, and likely would from what we’ve seen, be given a conduct disorder diagnosis.) Now to have a conduct disorder diagnosis, you have to be shown to have committed at least three examples of “aggression to people and animals, destruction of property, deceitfulness or theft, and/or serious violations of rules”. While it is possible Ainsley has a secret deviant past where she violated rules/broke the law that she kept hidden from everyone so well that her mother was willing to call her the perfect child in 1x01 and Malcolm is clearly shocked when she steps out of line as an adult, I don’t think that’s the case. There are other reasons I lean towards throwing out ASPD as a strong contender (I had to stretch to make her fit all the criteria, we don’t see a clear pattern of the criteria happening repeatedly, I think there are other diagnoses and situations/stressors that better explain her behavior...), this is the easiest one to break down in a Tumblr post that I’m trying to keep shorter than a dissertation. There are definitely elements of particular types of ASPD that we see in Ainsley, namely the traits tied to the limited prosocial/callous and unemotional tag sometimes given with an ASPD diagnosis, but you can also see those characteristics in other disorders. (Those traits can also appear in someone with zero disorders, but that’s not an option based on the fact that this post requires us to walk away with some sort of diagnosis because I make the rules and I said so.)

Histrionic Personality Disorder-

This isn’t a very well-known PD in comparison to a lot of the others, but the DSM-V introduces it very well, so I’m just going to include a quote. “Individuals with histrionic personality disorder are uncomfortable or feel unappreciated when they are not the center of attention. Often lively and dramatic, they tend to draw attention to themselves and may initially charm new acquaintances by their enthusiasm, apparent openness, or flirtatiousness…. They commandeer the role of “the life of the party.” If they are not the center of attention, they may do something dramatic (e.g., make up stories, create a scene) to draw the focus of attention to themselves.” A shorter summary: HPD is “a pervasive pattern of excessive emotionality and attention seeking, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts.”

So, how does this fit with Ainsley? A fair amount of the HPD criteria fit Ainsley very well. She is incredibly charming and enthusiastic and a reporting job seems to imply that she’s comfortable being the center of attention. (Though I would argue that reporting for her is more about finding something she is inherently good at as opposed to getting attention, which I’ll talk about in the next section.) Other criteria she fits include using her appearance to draw attention to herself, being theatrical, and, depending on your opinion, being suggestible. To be diagnosed with HPD, Ainsley would need to fit with five of the eight criteria, which you can maybe meet depending on what you think is actually happening in her head. (For example, does she actual believe what Martin is saying about her or is she just going along with it.) However, I think it’s really important to look at what’s at the core of HPD, which is “excessive emotionality and attention seeking”. 2x11 throws that 'excessive emotionality' requirement right out the window with the conversation Ainsley has with Martin about not feeling enough and needing to fake emotions sometimes. Prior to that conversation, I could have seen HPD being a solid contender, but those comments make it seem like HPD isn’t a great fit anymore since she doesn't even meet one of the two main descriptors of the diagnosis.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder-

I first looked into NPD specifically because I was trying to figure out what exactly Martin may have been diagnosed with and one of the few things the writers consistently refer to him as is a narcissist. Granted, a lot of people get called that term who don’t have NPD, but Martin fits it pretty well. Additionally, PDs do tend to be at least a little tied to genetics, which is why I checked it out for Ainsley. (Ironically, when editing this, I noticed that NPD is one of the only PDs that the DSM-V does not mention a genetic component for, though more recent research does seem to indicate some heritability.) NPD is characterized by grandiosity (or “being excessively grand or ambitious” according to Oxford’s definition), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, all three of which I think we can say Ainsley has demonstrated at least a couple of times throughout the show. If I had to give Ainsley a PD diagnosis, NPD is the one I think fits best.

To be diagnosed with NPD, you need to have five of the nine criteria. Lack of empathy is one of those, which Ainsley and Martin seem to believe applies to Ainsley, while Malcolm would likely disagree. Others include using people for their own needs (filming Jin’s surgery and the pig’s blood prank), being envious of other people (we’ve pretty solidly established that she’s jealous of the attention Malcolm got as a kid), and being preoccupied with success and brilliance (Ainsley clearly cares a lot about being good at her job, which is part of why she is so competitive with Malcolm). Ainsley herself admits to being especially ambitious multiple times, which I feel is more in line with a NPD diagnosis than any other PD. The biggest weakness of NPD is that Ainsley seems to have very, very good control of it, if it is something she actually has. About half of the NPD criteria are ones that include the person thinking they are better than others. Ainsley definitely wants to be the best, but not really to put other people down as much as to earn her place in the world (a thought which is at odds with other NPD criteria). However, I promised some sort of diagnosis from this and I think NPD, if the show were to insist on giving Ainsley a personality disorder, would be the best fit as it incorporates her ambition, implied difficulties with empathy, and manipulative side into one diagnosis and is not clearly disproven by canon.

TL;DR: If you have to give Ainsley a personality disorder diagnosis, NPD is the way to go. She doesn't seem to have the conduct disorder history needed for ASPD, nor does she have the excessive emotionality inherent to HPD. However, she is characterized by NPD's ambition, need to one-up people, and willingness to use others to achieve that goal. Of all the personality disorders, narcissistic personality disorder fits Ainsley best.

#silence emily #prodigalsonweek #Ainsley whitly #please if you like psychology come and talk to me!#now I can finally stop fighting with stinking psychiatry online #90% of writing this was trying to get the database to recognize my school's credentials #I'm ready to drop the money for the dsm just to never have to mess with psychiatry online ever again #and in case you were wondering #this is the short version where I cut half the disclaimers and a bunch of the criteria analysis #also hopefully the colors help with understanding everything #I know my sentences tend to be longer than some novels and I apologize #the working title of this was:#so you want to give Ains a PD diagnosis even though we don't have the evidence to?#and I think that's how I'll title all research papers from now on

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goaskaliceinchains · 3 years ago

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If I could only put into words how honest-to-God terrified I am right now, if I could only lay out the gruesome and unjust details, the police harassment, the organized stalking that [REDACTED] and I have endured months of late. The long nights of sleeping on the asphalt, the days when we were badly strung out on heavy narcotics and the thrill of self-destruction, are a memory that I never thought would be so fleeting, so nostalgic. We had it easy then, wouldn't you know it, and I really thought I was suffering.

I just got out of the joint. Three weeks on bullshit charges, felony, for destruction of property that I did not commit. The son-of-a-bitch lied on me, and now I'm out on bond with no court date. The state has another 180 days, because it's a felony, to schedule said court date; a misdemeanor and it usually just gets thrown out within 33 days.

But it gets worse; who do I see, on the way to the release lobby fresh off the elevator, my mind still racing with all the things I'm going to say to my fiance when I finally hug him again after almost a month?

Said fiance, in a holding cell, slamming on the glass and screaming above the corrections officer trying desperately and furiously to shut him up. It does my partner no good, I can't hear anything at all through the thick panes, and without my glasses I can't see him well enough to read his lips. I think for a minute he was afraid I couldn't see him at all, and truth be told I was squinting to ID his face, but it didn't matter. I know that hair anywhere. It's white, not grey and not blonde but white, the color of snow. I knew it was him the minute I caught a glimpse of that ivory hue out of the corner of my (blurry) eye. I pulled my mask down off my face long enough to mouth a question, a "What did you do?" that did no justice to the insurmountable dismay I felt staring back at him, but there were half a dozen other inmates on the way to BRC and one pissed-off CO hurrying us along, and by then another CO was moving to restrain him. I tried to look back over my shoulder. My partner had already disappeared in all the chaos.

He looked awful. Skin dull and pale and sickly, and I think he really was sick, he had the yellow-grey undertones and the telltale sweat drenching his face and his neck. He doesn't get sick all that easy, and even with an ER-worthy fever (once before I've had to call him a medic, even though he hates hospitals) there's always some color to his face, some life in his eyes. When I saw him in that cell, I saw a dead man walking.

I had my brother look up the charges as soon as I left the jail. He seemed only half-surprised when he asked me, "[REDACTED] is in there? Like, you just saw him?"

My fiance, currently, is in jail for one count, misdemeanor, first degree.

Resisting an officer without violence.

Nothing else.

No crime, no initial warrant or probable cause that gave reason to detain him to begin with. The cop cited his mere existence in a "high crime, high drug, high prostitution area" as justification to have stopped, detained, and searched him. Well, Orlando Police are the ones responsible for the prostitution (although lately they prefer selling forcibly-enslaved east Asians and gay and transgender children, "prostitution" is a rather nice way of putting it; where I come from, we just call that rape and child sex trafficking), and of course it's an area rife with drugs; it's the only area the homeless can exist with minimal fear of attacks from the police, and unfortunately, many of them are drug users.

Resisting without violence and he was never under arrest to begin with.

The affidavit lists specific names and addresses of suspected drug dealers, then goes on to accuse my partner, on a publically-searchable court document, of offering to sell those specific named people—names and addresses that only the police and other investigators would know, certainly not information that either my fiance nor myself have ever been privy to—out in exchange for his own freedom.

My own arrest affidavit, also accessible to the public through a quick search, makes note of the fact that I'm transgender. This detail has nothing to do with the allegations against me but was tacked on anyway, in no uncertain terms. I can think of no reason to have included such a statement in the arrest report except to incite violence or at least public scorn against me. Seeing my partner portrayed as a would-be informant by the very same arresting agency only confirms this, as far as I (and common sense, which sadly holds up in the court of public opinion but not of law) am concerned.

I strongly believe (rather, I know it to be true but I lack the concrete evidence that any semblance of help, justice, or protection requires) Orlando Police Department and the Orange County Courts are trying to kill my partner and I.

I cannot afford to bond him out, and I'm out on bond myself anyway. Can't sign for him.

We are homeless. Innocent, as innocent as any mortal person can hope to consider themselves. Completely harmless by all accounts. We have hurt nobody, inconvenienced a few I'm sure, but we've never hurt anyone. And yet repeatedly we've been harassed and singled out. Sometimes assaulted. I broke a flowerpot and got a felony charge and a $2000 bond, the affidavit falsely claiming I vandalized a car. My fiance did nothing wrong. The things written in both our arrest documents make us targets. They are bold-faced, deliberate attempts at inciting violence against two people whose only real offense to the state was being homeless, being gay, and whistleblowing on state- and police-backed human traffickers and child abusers.

And it was I and I alone, not my partner, that did the whistleblowing. And it was never on any known or suspected dope boys, mind you; the only criminals I've ever sold out to the public are the ones whose squad cars say "Orlando Police" or occasionally the ones who work for the psych wards or courts. The ones who were granted authority and who chose to use that authority to actively hurt, silence, traffic, oppress, and kill.

On the off-chance that anyone of OPD, the Sherriff's Department, or Orange County Courts/Corrections are reading this (especially you, Blinn, and you, Stewart, and Amanda Green and Andy Tran and Eric Young and even John Mina himself), I implore you: leave my partner alone.

It's me you're after, not him.

I'm the tattle-tale who ratted on you sickos. Let the innocent man go.

#orlando #police brutality #human trafficking #signal boost #police harassment #orange county #hate crime #child abuse warning #homophobia #forced outing #false imprisonment #transgender #ftm #whistleblowing

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blackcloverdatabase · 5 years ago

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English Translation of Novel 2: Chapter 2 – At the Center of the Golds

Here’s another translation from the second novel, the Order of Knights Book. This one features the Experience Enrollment where Asta joins the Golden Dawn for the day, so there’s a lot of Asta, Klaus, and Mimosa in this chapter! This takes place the day before the Black Bulls leave for the beach town of Raque in order to go to the Seabed Temple.

--- At the Center of the Golds: Part 1 ---

Within the Order of the Magic Knights, an army of mages under the direct supervision of the Wizard King, there is one squad known as the Golden Dawn. In the rivalry between Magic Knight squads, the Golden Dawn consistently shows the highest achievements. Thus, they are known by all to be the most powerful squad. Its members, of course, consist only of the most elite nobles and royals. Indeed, with half-baked magic power, one could not hope to be selected into this gathering of the chosen elite.

“Ice Creation Magic: Folding Fan of Thin Ice”

“If you’re going to do that, then…... Flame Magic: Footprints of Vaget!!”

Today was a day when many of those elite squad members had gathered in one place for scheduled practice. As the name implies, these scheduled practice sessions are held regularly, and any members who were not currently on duty participated in them.

“Third-Class Junior Magic Knight Lionel, your attack pattern is too predictable! Fourth-Class Junior Magic Knight Salinger, you’re aiming too hard at ending your battle in a single hit! Real battles aren’t often decided with flashy moves such as that!”

“Yes! My apologies!”

Though it was only a practice session, the squad members participated to the fiercest extremes. Their title as the strongest squad was no mere decoration. They exerted great effort every day to retain their position at the top. Because they were the chosen elite, because they were called the strongest, they could endure such severe training before returning to their equally severe duties. No peasants or commoners could be found here. This was a world where only the strong could survive. A place where the survival of the fittest ruled.

Or at least, that’s how things were supposed to be.

“WOOOOAAAH! AWESOME! THERE’S CRAZY MAGIC BATTLES GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE!!”

This wide arena where the members of the Golden Dawn had gathered was the same one used for the Magic Knights Entrance Exam. They had been sparring in one-on-one practice matches, but…...

“Wow, as one would expect from the Golden Dawn, this is so large scale!!”

Standing in the middle of this Colosseum was a boy who didn’t look like he belonged there, the reason being that he was not wearing the white robes of the Golden Dawn. Instead, his short body was clad in black. Every member of the nine Magic Knight Squads are provided a robe associated with the squad they belong to. Moreover, every knight is required to wear them when they are on duty so that it is easy to identify which squad they belong to. The robes this boy was wearing……

“Is everyone allowed to participate in this!? Nice! I want to bring everyone else from the Black Bulls! I bet Luck would have a crazy amount of fun here!”

Yes, those robes belonged to the worst squad of the Magic Knights, the Black Bulls. This boy who paraded about, surrounded by knights clad in white, was the only one clad in black. In addition, to his right and left were two more people clad in white, a young man and a young woman.

“U fu fu, Asta-san’s having so much fun…… he’s so cute.”

To his right was a young woman with long orange hair named Mimosa Vermillion, characterized by the gentle air around her.

“Asta, I understand that you’re very happy, but please be a little quieter! Everyone’s staring!”

To his left was a high-strung man wearing black-rimmed glasses, Klaus Lunettes. Both of them were members of the Golden Dawn.

This member of the Black Bulls strut through the Golden Dawn’s headquarters as he followed them. It was a strange sight.

“Ah, then, this is perfect! He hasn’t introduced himself yet, after all!”

Having gathered all eyes on him, Asta stopped and took a large breath.

“EVERYONE IN THE GOLDEN DAWN, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU! I CAME FROM THE BLACK BULLS! THE NAME’S ASTA! I’M IN YOUR CARE TODAY!!”

The boy from the worst squad of the Magic Knights shouted his self-introduction at the center of this space composed of only elites. Why was such an optimistic young man from the Black Bulls, the worst squad in the Magic Knights, with the Golden Dawn, the Magic Knight’s most prominent squad? The reason is that this was one of the orders made by the Wizard King.

“Still, that’s so sudden, telling you to join the Golden Dawn for a day…… I wonder why he ordered you to do that?”

Mimosa asked as she handed some tea to Asta. Right now, they were in the rest area of the base.

“I don’t really know the details, either. Apparently, Captain Yami was told by the Wizard King, so this morning, right after I woke up, I was told by Yami to come here. I didn’t even have time to bring my wallet.”

Asta sat on the floor, answering her question nonchalantly as he accepted the tea. The place where he sat was at the very edge of the assembly hall. Because Asta had shouted at the center of the Colosseum, he attracted the eyes of every person there, so Klaus had dragged him here.

“This morning, huh? That’s around the same time we were ordered to be your guide…... it seems that this really was a sudden decision.”

Klaus rubbed his temples as if he had a migraine while he sipped his tea next to Asta. It truly was only dozens of minutes ago when Mimosa and Klaus were ordered to be Asta’s guide for the day, which was part of the Experience Enrollment. Moreover, these were direct orders from the captain of the Golden Dawn, William Vangeance. Between being visited by their captain in person and the strange task that he assigned them, this morning was bewildering in all sorts of ways for Klaus and Mimosa.

“……I wish I had a little more time to prepare my heart.”

“No, I’m alright!”

“No, I’m talking about us.”

‘Actually, I also wanted time to buy headache and stomach medicine,’ Klaus thought to himself.

“Well…… I have yet to say this because of all the confusion that has been going on, but welcome, Asta! We’re happy to have you!”

“I’m happy to see you too! After all, it’s been so long! Let’s be sure to talk a whole lot!”

Klaus and Mimosa were telling the unmistakable truth. The last time they had seen Asta was at the Conferment Ceremony. After that, Asta fought the Eye of the Midnight Sun in a cave near Nairn town and revealed the treachery of the captain of the Purple Orcas, Gueldre Poizot, at the Magic Knights’ headquarters. His days were spent handling all sorts of unthinkable tasks. He just happened to be free today, but tomorrow, he was to start another mission in the sandy beaches of Raque. Though not as busy as Asta, Klaus and Mimosa were also busy working hard at their daily duties, so they couldn’t find much time to talk in private. Regardless of how this came about, they were honestly glad to be able to meet him again.

“Yeah! Heh heh, I’m also psyched to be able to talk with you two again!”

Asta agreed, laughing as loudly as he usually does.

“I see…… well then, speaking of things that make us happy, it would be nice if you put this on……”

Taking advantage of the congenial atmosphere between them, Klaus presented Asta with something he had been holding underneath his arm since earlier. It was the white robe of the Golden Dawn, temporarily provisioned to Asta for his Experience Enrollment. He was ordered by Vangeance to have Asta wear this since having someone in a black robe frolicking around was bound to cause the other members of the Golden Dawn to make a commotion, but……

“I already told ya I don’t want to wear that! I’m a member of the Black Bulls!”

No matter how many times Klaus asked, Asta shot him down.

“I understand, but…… if you’re dressed like that, you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb, you know? Well, even if you wear this, you’ll probably still stand out, but at least you’ll be able to mingle with the rest of the squad to some degree.”

“……You have a point, but…… hmmm. How do I put this? It just feels wrong for me to wear this squad’s robe since I just kinda got plunked here for the day.”

He gripped his own black robe as he said this. Scattered here and there were dirt splotches, scratches, and traces of it being sewn back together countless times.

“I was so happy I could die when I got this robe. Everyone here must have felt the same way when they received theirs, right? That’s why, even if I’m here today as part of the Experience Enrollment, I think the others here wouldn’t want me to wear the same robe as them, either.”

Then, Asta had his usual grin as he continued,

“That’s why, I’m fine the way I am. Even if I end up standing out, I’m going to be here as a member of the Black Bulls!”

“……I see.”

Klaus couldn’t help but smile at Asta’s words as he nodded. The Experience Enrollment is only for one day, so he didn’t need to think so deeply about a one-day affair. This robe was like a permit that signified his permission to stay here for the day. However, he is forthright with even things as trivial as that, weighing everything against his own beliefs, and, when he thinks something is wrong, he says so. Even if he finds himself in a different squad, he sticks by his own beliefs. That’s the sort of man Asta is.

Understanding this, Klaus found himself unable to say anything further.

“If that’s how you’re going to be, then do what you want. However, I’ll hand this over to you just as I was ordered to.”

“Heh heh, understood!”

Tucking the folded robe underneath his arm, Asta looked around as if he had just realized something.

“Ah, that’s right! What about Yuno!? Where is that cocky jerk!?”

Yuno was Asta’s childhood friend, and he possessed a four-leaf grimoire. Despite being from the same village, the remote village of Hage, he was a user of remarkable wind magic. With his abilities, he earned a spot in the Golden Dawn. Moreover, he was Asta’s rival, competing for the title of Wizard King. Asta was secretly looking forward to seeing him after so long, but Mimosa and Klaus looked sullen as they said,

“I wanted you two to meet as well, but Yuno is also doing the Experience Enrollment today, so he left for a different Magic Knights squad earlier today. With that timing, it’s almost as if you two are switching places today.”

“Oh, I see……”

Asta fell silent for just a moment. After such a long time, he wanted to compete with Yuno again.

“Then, which squad did he go to?”

“What, you didn’t hear me? Yuno went to-

Klaus had a teasing smile on his face as he tried to reply, but,

“……Hey, look over there. That Klaus is happily talking away to a peasant. Sheesh. As a member of the Golden Dawn, shouldn’t he be embarrassed of himself?”

The one who said this was a squad member watching Asta’s group from a distance, but Asta and the others could still hear them.

“Are you serious? I felt bad for him when I heard he was partnered up with a peasant, but…… he’s surprisingly onboard with the idea.”

“Klaus huh? He works quickly, and I thought his magic was alright, but…… I heard he went on a dungeon excursion recently, and yet he didn’t manage to bring back any relics. His career track has taken a turn for the worse.”

“!!”

Asta didn’t hesitate for even a second before glaring at the duo, but the duo left the area with smirks on their faces.

“……Asta, ignore them. Guys like those will gossip no matter what you do. Once you let them get to you, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

Klaus told him. However, Asta scratched his head incredibly awkwardly as he replied,

“……No, still, I know I’m really late telling you this, but I’m sorry. Between making things more tense right now, yelling like I did earlier, selfishly refusing to wear this robe…… of course people are going to start giving us strange looks.”

Since coming here, Asta has received all sorts of strange, even detestable looks. However, some of these looks were also aimed toward Klaus and Mimosa. ‘Aren’t you embarrassed to be with a peasant like that?’ Those were the types of gazes they were receiving. Asta was used to receiving looks like that, but words couldn’t describe how terrible he felt for getting Klaus and Mimosa mixed into this…...

“What are you saying!? That’s not like you at all!”

Klaus put his arm around Asta’s shoulders as he laughed loudly.

“I told you when we were capturing that dungeon, didn’t I? You are a member of the Clover Kingdom’s prized Order of the Magic Knights. I have no reason to be embarrassed about being with a comrade from that very same order of knights!”

“Y-yeah……”

Asta blinked his eyes at the sudden physical contact he was getting from Klaus, a move that was very out of character from his senior. Klaus continued,

“Moreover, you are here under direct orders from the Wizard King. If anything, the people giving us strange looks are the strange ones. Let’s be bold! Bold, I say!”

Klaus said this loud enough so that the other members staring at Asta could hear him. Watching the other members click their tongues and make faces of disgust, Mimosa puffed out her cheeks and said,

“T-that’s right, Asta-san! We were personally asked by Captain Vangeance to show you around today, so anybody who insults us is also insulting the Captain!”

“………”

Accidentally activating her natural ability to air-headedly punch people in the gut with her words, the onlookers scattered away completely until no one remained.

“You two……!”

Don’t mind the looks they are giving you. Let’s just do what we want. Those were the implications behind their words of encouragement. Through their actions, Asta slowly came back to his senses.

“……You’re… right. Heh heh, you’re right! My bad! I definitely wasn’t talking like myself back there! Alright! I’m gonna learn so much watching you guys! For the second time today, I’m in your care!”

Understanding Klaus’s and Mimosa’s feelings, Asta energetically put his arm around Klaus’s shoulders. Not wanting to put their good will to waste, Asta decided he would watch this top-ranked squad’s training to his heart’s content.

……However, just as he decided this,

“……Hey, look. Klaus has his arm wrapped around a peasant.”

“Seriously? No, even if he wasn’t a peasant…… being glued to another man like that…… I wonder if his tastes are on that side of the fence.”

“Klaus? I thought he might have been judging by his face…… but whatever floats his boat.”

“……”

Overhearing a group of three people talking from a distance. Klaus quietly moved his arm off of Asta. Having overheard them as well, Mimosa’s face turned pale, saying as she shivered,

“K-Klaus-san…… you embraced Yuno-san and Asta-san after our dungeon mission, but…... don’t tell me, you’re actually……!?”

“NO! Why is your imagination always so wild at moments like these!?”

“Wait, why did you put some space between us, Klaus! Let’s show off our friendship!”

“Why are you so bad at reading the mood!? Think about it! It’s possible people might see something other than friendship!”

Because of their yelling, a crowd of people gathered around them once more, and, in the end, the three of them had to leave.

--- Later ---

“…..Tch. So that Klaus bastard could hear us, huh?”

The one who said this was a man named Gris, the leader of the three people who were watching Asta and the others from a distance earlier. He made his remark behind the backs of Asta and the others as they were leaving.

“It really is true. That bastard has been putting on airs ever since he was called to the Conferment Ceremony.”

“I heard he even got to talk to the Wizard King directly. I bet he was even praised by him.”

These three have never been invited to the Conferment Ceremony, and they’ve never spoken to the Wizard King, either. As knights who have served longer than Klaus and the others, these facts just served to damage their pride even further.

“Well, if we’re talkin’ people who are getting too cocky for their own good…… that damn peasant brat, Asta, takes the cake.”

As he watched Asta from behind, Gris’s eyes were filled with a mix of negative emotions: hostility, prejudice, and a terrible inferiority complex. Instead of members of the Golden Dawn such as themselves, a peasant of all people was given extraordinary praise at the Conferment Ceremony. Even though he’s a peasant, this bottom-of-the-barrel Magic Knight with no manners has stepped foot into their elite domain.

Somebody should smash his nose in. Somebody should put him back in his place.

That’s right, somebody has to do it.

“……This is just perfect. I have some free time on my hands, and this’ll teach Klaus a lesson, too, so how about we play with them for a bit?”

With a cruel smile on his face, Gris and the others followed behind Asta’s group.

“……Come to think of it, Mimosa overheard us too, didn’t she?”

Said one of Gris’s followers, which caused him to stop in his tracks for a moment.

“No, well, Mimosa is…… she’s alright, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, that’s right. Mimosa is…… right?”

“……Yeah. She’s good. I mean, she’s cute.”

After such a conversation, the two began walking once more.

“This is the place where we do basic magic training.”

“Woah! Awesome!”

Asta’s eyes were sparkling as he shouted when he saw where Klaus and Mimosa took him. This section was far from the rest of the base, so there were no other squad members practicing their combat skills here. However, just as Klaus said, it was full of equipment for people to practice basic magic exercises, such as stones made from magic for people to try smashing and pieces of parchment hanging in the air for people to shoot down.

“Hey, don’t tell me these are……?”

Asta leaned forward a bit as he asked, having noticed a few things he had seen somewhere before. Klaus answered,

“Yeah, the exercises we do here are also used at the annual Magic Knights Recruitment Exam.”

“…… I knew it.”

Asta laughed ironically as he recalled such bitter memories. For Asta, who had no magic, that was truly a hellish time for him. If it weren’t for the final portion of the exam, the combat portion, and if Yami hadn’t been one of the judges there, he wouldn’t have been able to become a Magic Knight. Seeing Asta smile so bitterly, Mimosa raised her hand softly and said,

“Um, I’m just asking out of curiosity, but what kind of training does everyone in the Black Bulls do?”

“Us? We, uhh……”

Hearing Mimosa’s question, Asta recalled what everyone was doing yesterday.

- They ate breakfast.

- For some reason, they somehow managed to gather together in the same room, where they all chatted away lazily.

- They ate lunch.

- They gathered together in the same room again and played card games.

- Anyone who was hungry had a mid-day snack .

- To burn off the snacks, they went on a walk (for some reason, Noelle tagged along with Asta).

- They found some wild squirrels on their walk, so they fed them their leftover snacks.

- They ate dinner.

- The older members of the group drank alcohol while the younger ones played more card games.

- They slept.

“………”

After Asta finished remembering what had happened, he went silent for about three seconds before finally responding,

“……We do team-building exercises. Yeah…… stuff like that……”

“I see! That’s why everyone cooperates so well with each other!”

“……Yeah.”

This isn’t something Asta does often, but, right now, he had a fake smile on his face.

“Team building exercises are good, but it’s also important to go back to the basics and do some basic training. How about it, Asta? Want to try one of these out?”

Klaus suggested with a smile, but Asta lightly scratched his head as he replied,

“……Well, I don’t have any magic, so…...”

‘Plus, I’ve been traumatized by this stuff,’ Asta thought to himself as he turned his head to the side.

“Would you like to have a little contest with me using one of these?”

“……Huh?”

Asta reflexively raised his head. Klaus was looking at Asta with his usual small smile.

“The loser will have to…… I know. It doesn’t matter where, but after your Experience Enrollment is complete, how about the loser treats the winner to a meal? They’d have to pay for Mimosa’s, too.”

“No, that’s not the point…… Um, why are we having a contest, anyway?”

Though Yuno and Asta shared a rivalry between them, that had nothing to do with Klaus. Even if it was just a casual game, it just felt so abrupt to Asta.

“No, well, even if you ask me that, there’s no real reason……”

Klaus seemed to be searching for the right words to say as he pushed up his black-rimmed glasses.

“Until now, I’ve only judged people by their class and social status. I never even made an attempt to appreciate someone for their personality, merit, or all their hard work…… Because of that, when we were on that dungeon capturing mission, I said so many rude things to you and Yuno.”

‘Yeah. Honestly, I hated you. You were a nasty glasses guy’……Asta couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud, though. After all, that way of thinking was considered to be common sense for those who live in this society. Not to mention, those who stand at the top of this society stratified by magic are the ones who are most fanatical about bloodlines and classes. People like Mimosa and Klaus, who don’t discriminate against others, are, by far, in the minority.

“However, thanks to you and Yuno, I was able to throw away my prejudices. I’ve learned how to face other people as individuals, not as members of a certain class or social status.”

With a proud smile, Klaus continued,

“That’s why I wanted to experience your personal strength once more through a contest, but…... do you not want to?”

“……I see.”

After responding in blank amazement, Asta’s usual smile returned to his face.

“Okay! Heh heh, if that’s how it is, then I’m going all out!”

“Yeah, thank you!”

Asta bumped fists with Klaus, thinking about how, even though Klaus is far too serious, he’s not a bad guy.

“……Wait, I don’t have any magic, so what kind of practice exercise could we compete in!?”

Asta felt like he realized something very important, but Klaus just tilted his head and said,

“What are you talking about? Just like at the entrance exam, you don’t have to use magic, right?”

“……?”

It took a moment for Asta to realize what Klaus meant.

“……Ah, I get it now!”

Striking his hands together, Asta grinned.

“……Hm? What are those guys doing?”

Gris tilted his head as he asked. Gris’s group, having followed Asta and others, arrived at the basic training ground.

“Are you ready!? The first person to pulverize their stone slab wins!”

“Bring it oooooooooon! Then, Mimosa, give us the signal to begin!”

“Y-yes! I’ll do my best!”

Asta and the others were conversing at a corner of the training room. The place where they stood was where people could practice smashing stone slabs by shooting magic at them, an exercise commonly known as “slate smashing”. Asta and Klaus stood side-by-side, each of them standing five meters from their respective slabs. Standing a small distance from those slabs was Mimosa, who, while raising both her hands,

“Ready…… s-start….. no, maybe I should say ‘go’?”

Practiced what she was going to say in a rather mysterious way.

‘Cute!’

‘No, that’s not important right now!’

“What’s with that guy? He doesn’t even have any mana, so how does he expect to be able to do any basic training?”

That Asta had no mana was a well-known fact. Gris had also heard that Asta produced terrible results at the Magic Knights Entrance Exam because of it. In spite of that, it seemed that Asta was about to try doing it again, which made the three of them sneer.

“I know. He can’t just do nothing since he’s doing the Experience Enrollment, so he’s gotta at least pretend he’s doing something, right?”

“That’s what it looks like…… What the hell? I was thinking about messing with him, but he’s gonna embarrass himself all on his own.”

While the three of them laughed to themselves, they walked toward Asta and the others. If he does anything even the slightest bit weird, they planned to laugh out loud at him. It may seem like petty harassment, but that was beside the point. As the three of them stood on standby, Mimosa said behind Asta and the others,

“……Uh, ummm, r-ready, sta…… um…… go!”

At her signal, the two sides swiftly opened their grimoires.

“Steel Creation Magic: Violent Rotating Lance”

As Klaus yelled out, a steel lance spawned at his feet. The lance was fired at the stone slab at tremendous speed, its tip rotating quickly like a drill.

“Woah…... What the hell, Klaus? Talk about no mercy.”

“I get it. He wants to embarrass that peasant, too…… hm?”

Gris’s eyes widened when he saw Asta. He had pulled a large, black sword from his grimoire. Forcefully gripping the hilt of his sword,

“ORAAAAAAAAAAH!”

With all his strength, he threw his sword at his target.

“HUUUUUUUUUH!?”

Gris and the others exclaimed in astonishment just as the slabs in front of Asta and Klaus shattered into pieces. As they predicted, what he did was certainly weird, but……

“……H-hey, what’s wrong with you two? L-laugh at him!”

“Well, even if we laugh……”

“……Huh, other than his crappy magic, isn’t he kinda strong?”

The simple fact he could throw such a heavy sword was impressive all on its own, but it was even more amazing that he shattered the stone slab with it. Having witnessed such a spectacle, they fell silent, finding themselves not in the mood to laugh.

“Mimosa! Who broke his slab first!?”

Acting as casual as ever, Asta loudly asked Mimosa for the results. Mimosa squinted her eyes at the broken slabs of stone with a troubled look on her face for a short while before saying,

“……I’m sorry! I blinked, so I didn’t see it happen!”

“HEY!”

Asta was the one who retorted, but everyone thought the exact same thing. Keep your eyes open for just a little longer, darn it!

“I-I’m sorry! But Asta, don’t you know!? If you don’t let your eyes blink, they’ll become dehydrated, you know!?”

“Wait, are you messing with me right now!? Of course I know that! That’s why I’m asking! Why was moisturizing your eyes a higher priority than our contest!?”

“W-well, there was certainly a tight gap between us, so how about we call it a draw?”

Klaus smiled bitterly as he waited for Mimosa and Asta to finish their exchange.

“Well then, how about we move onto the next contest?

The next practice exercise he chose for their contest was commonly known as “parchment tearing”. It’s an exercise where mages use their magic to shoot down pieces of parchment with a target drawn on them flying through the sky. Since the parchment moves around freely via manipulation magic, it’s quite difficult to hit the center of the target.

“Well then, ready, sta….. g…… umm, star…… go!”

Here, too, Asta stunned Gris’s group. Actually, he stunned everybody watching him.

“ORAAAAAAH!”

He jumped up to where the pieces of parchment were flying and pierced the center of one target after another with his large sword. Everyone’s gazes landed on him again as he displayed an even greater feat of strength than before. However, as before, Asta paid no attention to the eyes that were on him.

“…… I’m sorry! I tried to keep track of how many papers you’ve knocked down, but I lost count!”

“HEY!”

“I-I’m sorry…… but Asta-san!? Please don’t be surprised when I tell you this, but I only have ten fingers!”

“I’m surprised by the contents in your head! Why haven’t you been using your head since earlier!? Did you loan it out to someone!?

“W-well, we shot down about the same number, so let’s call it a draw……”

After Klaus mediated between them like that, they moved onto the next contest.

“……Hey, Gris. I’ve had enough. Let’s go back to our own practice exercises.”

After that, Asta continued to clear one practice exercise after another in an unconventional way. As Gris watched Asta, waiting for a chance to dig into him, one of his followers said in resignation,

“Looks like he has a lot of eyes on him now. We can’t simply mess with him now.”

With how showy Asta was, it was only natural. Although not overt, most of the people who were there doing basic exercises were now watching Asta and the others. Although, most of those gazes were filled with derision and scorn, as if they were saying ‘How barbarous…..’ or ‘That’s not the way a Magic Knight would fight’. However, whether their thoughts were positive or negative, almost all of them had one thought in common – he would be a tough opponent to beat.

This may be obvious, but Magic Knights attack exclusively with magic. However, the large sword which spawns from Asta’s grimoire negates magic, and he’s able to continuously attack with a seemingly inexhaustible amount of physical strength. For many mages, he could almost certainly be called their natural enemy. Why was this magicless peasant boy awarded the title of 3rd class Junior Magic Knight, and why has he been able to continuously make significant contributions in his missions? Though they were exceedingly reluctant to admit it, they all were beginning to understand why.

“Nothing’s gonna come out of us watching him any further. Let’s go, okay?”

“Right? Mimosa was cute, too, so I’m satisfied.”

And so, Gris’s group finally realized how much trouble Asta actually was. No matter how far they stick their noses into his business, they weren’t going to get any satisfaction out of it. This is what one of Gris’s followers believed when he put his hand on Gris’s shoulder, but,

“……Why?”

Gris whispered in a frightfully low voice.

“Why does this brat fresh from the country, this peasant who acts like he’s never struggled a day in his life…… get to have such an amazing grimoire…… Just because he was lucky enough to get that grimoire, he gets to join the Magic Knights and receive praise from our superiors!

“……Hey, Gris?”

Seemingly unable to hear his followers’ words of worry, Gris squeezed his words out like a curse. Rather than anger or hatred, his voice seemed to be filled with sorrow.

“Why have I even bothered struggling to make it this far……!?”

Gris’s voice trembled as he spoke. At that moment,

“Emergency. Emergency. Calling all members who are currently training. The Diamond Kingdom has invaded our airspace.”

“!!”

Using amplification magic, the voice of Vangeance’s close aide, Alecdora Sandler, resonated throughout the entire venue.

“Currently, several enemy platoons are flying toward the town of Kiten. Any squad members who are in the middle of training should rush toward their location immediately. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.”

“W-what the heck!? Huh!? T-the Diamond Kingdom is attacking!?”

As Asta was freaking out over the ominous directive that was suddenly announced to them, Klaus replied,

“So it seems……”

Kiten is a town near the border of the Kingdom where countless skirmishes with the Diamond Kingdom have occurred for some time now. Judging by the size of the enemy, this did not appear to be large-scale attack, however……

“This is bad…… Everyone is already exhausted from training.”

Not much time has passed since training began. However, some of them had just completed their duties, and others exhausted their mana while they were sparring. Finally, they were doing more than simply protecting Kiten. They also needed to protect other villages near Kiten, as well as important national facilities in the area, so their strength will be greatly dispersed. There were only about ten people at most who would be heading out to fight the enemy’s main force. Of those, how many of them could fight in perfect condition?

“Then, we’ll have to do that!!”

While Klaus was worrying about such things, Asta declared this as if to cut Klaus’s anxieties off. Then, his eyes fell to the white robes of the Golden Dawn he was carrying under his arm, which he had been neglecting.

“You guys could use the help of a guy who can energetically rampage his way through a fight, right!?”

He slowly put on the robe.

“You……”

Klaus couldn’t help but falter. Asta put on the robe he had refused so strongly to wear to help the very same Golden Dawn members who rejected him so severely. He was willing to bend his beliefs and put on his robe as if it were only natural.

“Right now, I’m a member of the Golden Dawn! So, there shouldn’t be any problem if I go with you guys, right!?”

“…….”

Klaus started to worry again. Certainly, his spirit was excellent. However, his argument was flimsy. Experience Enrollment aside, it would defy common sense to deploy someone who was not an official member of their squad to the battlefield. Most of all, he couldn’t expect the other members of his squad to work together with a peasant. Just Asta’s presence alone was enough to elicit looks of disgust from them. Who knows what they would say if he told them Asta was coming with them on an actual mission? It would be better not to take him along.

“Are you stupid……”

That was what the old Klaus would have thought.

“……Of course we wouldn’t have a problem! Let’s move out immediately!!”

“Yeah!”

Certainly, he is not an official member of their squad. However, he doubtlessly has enough strength to play an active role on this mission. It doesn’t matter what the others might say. He’s a proud member of the pride of the Clover Kingdom, the Magic Knights. There’s nothing to be ashamed about going on a mission with a comrade. If anyone tries to make a problem out of this……

“I’ll take all responsibility! Asta! Show the Diamond Kingdom and everyone here your strength!”

“Yeah!!”

Asta responded with full force, but then said just as loudly,

“But I can’t ride a broom, so please give me a ride!!”

“………”

“Now then~ We’ve come to play today, too……”

A soldier of the Diamond Kingdom by the name of Lotus Whomalt said with a lackadaisical tone of voice. He was riding a vehicle of smoke he created with his smoke magic, “Bustling Lazy Vehicle”, and looking down on the town of Kiten from above. The city was already being protected by a barrier which was maintained by the Magic Knights of Clover Kingdom and encased the entire country. A platoon of Diamond Kingdom soldiers surrounded a portion of its perimeter and were in the middle of launching intermittent attacks on the barrier. Naturally, this time, as well, their goal was to scout out the strength of the enemy. They just needed to engage with the enemy and obtain a general grasp on the kingdom’s overall might and the magic of some of the individuals. After that, they can find a suitable time to get out of there so that he could take a bath with his youngest daughter. That was Lotus’s plan for today.

“……Well, if we find a chance to whittle them down, then we will.”

As he said this to himself, the magic transmitter at his chest went off.

“This is a notification from correspondence to Vice General Lotus. We have confirmed that forces from the Golden Dawn are making their way here from the capital of Clover Kingdom. They are expected to arrive at Kiten in several minutes.”

“Oh, they’re coming, they’re coming. Their ace squad. Jeez, every single time they move way too fast. They’re really starting to get on this old man’s nerves.”

…Well, it doesn’t matter. If they find a chance, they’ll whittle the enemy down. What he was referring to was not Kiten’s forces, but rather……

“……Understood~ Let me know if you discover anything else, ‘kay~”

After disconnecting, Lotus returned his gaze to the battle being waged below.

“……Now, I wonder if I’ll get my turn on stage today~?”

— To be continued in Part 2 —

Jeez, the Golden Dawn needs to defend the town of Kiten so much that they might as well just move their base there. It certainly makes more sense that Yuno always seems to have a new power up whenever he shows up if he always has to fight off Diamond (and Spade) mages.

I appreciate how much members of the Golden Dawn seem to train, especially considering that practice and training hard seems to be looked down on by nobility and royalty, but it kind of defeats the purpose if you’re exhausted by the time a real mission arrives D:

Also, poor Klaus D: And poor Asta! I guess I would be traumatized by an Entrance Exam I literally couldn’t physically complete, too.

#Black Clover #Asta #klaus lunettes #mimosa vermillion #Lotus Whomalt #My translations #order of knights book

157 notes · View notes

deeeelightfuldee · 3 years ago

Text

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? ooooof. I don’t think i’d buy that. I hardly think people who DO show they have feelings for me are being truthful, so I doubt that.

Do you play video games? haven’t in some time, but I want to get back into it a little.

Do you spend a lot of time with family? oh heck yeah. I have a really great family.

Is your house more than two stories tall? nah, it’s the two stories with a basement.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? I will never raise my hands to another human being. I once dated someone who was a veteran and had severe ptsd. we were napping one time and he got aggressive. that wasn’t HIM though.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) physically, I suppose I have nice eyes and a decent smile. personality wise, I am warm, friendly, loving, supportive, sometimes funny, very loyal.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? depends which one I use. I have a pink one right now.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? I honestly haven’t got a clue. I haven’t been let out of my room in 2 weeks.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? yes. it’s weird.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? DEF not. he has been asking me out since we worked together maybeeeee.. 8-9 years ago?

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? yes! I am trying to learn how to undo that. it’s not that I don’t want to care about him, but I know and can soooooooo clearly see that he doesn’t care anymore, and it is extremely emotionally draining to watch.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I wanna say female but idk

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? scott

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? couple days ago.

Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.

What would you like to get a degree in? I have two degrees -- one in psych and one in SLP.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? ahahahaha yes. almost always wide awake from 3-6

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? typically more in the movie/show or book mood.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both. nothing like that buttery, salty goodness that obvs requires an enormous drink

What genre of films do you like the best? either make me EXTREMELY sad, or romantic.

How many bank accounts do you have? 2

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.

What is your goal for the next few months? i have several. the only one that can/will be public right now, is to get my lungs back to functioning as they were.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? yes. I have very bad breathing during sleep. I have had 11 sleep studies done, because my breathing will just stop randomly, which luckily my brain wakes me. it doesn’t really affect my like severely.. I function normally. but shoooooot, if I got normal levels of sleep i’d be a force to be reckoned with.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It was AWFUL. vomiting for 2 days straight. it was so gross.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. smart and romantic.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? hmm. I think there have been times where i’ve let people have more access to me than they should have had. or there have definitely been times I’ve been used in school groups. But honestly, I tend to be protective of myself. I stop when I feel enough is enough.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I would want either Bill to not die, or for her to be spoiled incessantly by someone else.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? psh. no. my friends are all tiny which is just not fun.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. i found it so fun.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? ahahahaha no.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? mopping. i hate doing the floors.

Did you pull a senior prank? Not really advised when a homeschooler.

Did you graduate? Yes. that was a rough, rough day.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope

What was the last song you listened to? i think it was Happier than Ever by billie eilish. the lyrics are ... woof.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? 20/12 -- the last time I had insurance anyway.

Is fashion one of your interests? honestly, if I had money, it would be. but it isnt right now.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s getting harder and harder to believe that will be the case. I knowwwww I need to start dating, but every time I go to open up an app, I hesitate and chicken out. I just was so happy before.. its hard to think I could be able to offer anything to anyone right now.

Do you care what people think? veryyyyyy few people. I care about the thoughts of those I genuinely love and respect. However, I still ensure I’m protecting myself regardless.

Is acting something you enjoy? No.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? I have a bum knee, so I sprain that from time to time. I last broke a finger.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? ahahahaha yes. but years ago. never because of mine.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No. I don’t cuss.

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? probably either nathan’s or em’s.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? alix’s family used to yell at me a lot for being fat. that used to mess me up.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? soccer. no, i found the endless running to be unnecessary.

Did you ever watch the show Full House? yup

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? no, thats so out-of-touch with reality

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? yes, i have.

What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? i think it was 8 hours. I hate hate hate hikes. But, thats because I have really weak lungs, so my doctor says it’s like lighting them on fire.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? kile

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? my mom hasn’t since a teenager. I think my dad does still. though, i dunno for certain.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? uhhhh, PTK honors society

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect. <<<< same

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes. very much so.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No, i respect people who are truthful saying they either try not to judge, or that they do judge despite their desire to stop.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? sooooooo much. it’s small town-y, quiet, safe, lots of trees, family close by.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? ps i love you will always shatter my heart.

What’s your favorite restaurant? buona or ashford

Is there a dessert you don’t like? im not wild about pastries.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? hmmm maybe that one mrs. pettigrews home for peculiar children.

Underwater or outer space? i’m fascinated by both. typically more interested in the water.

Dogs or cats? both. all of them.

Kittens or puppies? kittens.

Bird watching or whale watching? whales!!!!!!!!

What was your best subject in school? in HS probably history. or science. in college, psych or neuro.

What was your worst subject in school? Math. always freakin’ math.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh. hm. i don’t think anything. I liked my experience.

Who is your fashion icon? nada.

Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice. I love pearl stud earrings and I really want a simple, one pearl necklace. I am kinda ruined for diamonds for some time. My favorite rings and necklace were diamonds from kile and I just cant bring myself to wear those anymore.

What color dress did you wear to prom? pink

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? oh sure. I am envious of those with bangin’ bods. I’m envious of those who have great finances. I am envious of those who live life married to their love. I’m envious of people who see kile regularly. But there are difficulties that come with any of those situations.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? not long ago. the whole crushing reality of losing kile just destroyed me. I’m OK now.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? ahahahahah. I just reject all calls.

Who are you closest to? My mom and nathan rn.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? no

Are you currently sad about anything? several things have recently been really saddening, but I’m ok. Ill get thru it.

Have you had any form of exercise today? Its going to be some time before I’m cleared for that. I almost faint from taking a shower and I have to be on oxygen after doing the one flight of stairs.

Can you handle blood? doesn’t bother me at all.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? yes. I mean technically, I was legal to work in that I was 17, but the company didn’t want to hire younger than 18.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? not like in public, but at a house or gun range, yes.

Are you currently searching for a job? soon.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? i’m never ever ever hungry for it. I know i should, but its the worst. I don’t even like breakfast foods.

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britesparc · 4 years ago

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Weekend Top Ten #469

Top Ten Crazy WandaVision Theories

So all the while I was watching The Mandalorian I kept thinking, blimey, they’ve nailed this. There’s an oft-repeated problem with modern serial dramas, which is that they tend to tread water a little bit; despite being shorn of the network requirement of episodes being a certain length, or having a certain number of episodes in a season, there’s this in-built compulsion to make about a dozen 45-minute episodes. This is what scuppered the Marvel Netflix series in particular; there simply wasn’t enough story to cover the seasons, and as a result there was a lot of treading of water. This has also affected the recent Star Trek shows, although Discovery does show signs of pulling out of this “twelve-hour movie” mindset. Mando totally transcends this in a superlative way: each episode is basically an “adventure of the week” type thing (Mando versus spiders, Mando goes to the fish planet, Mando meets a Jedi, etc). But each episode also builds on the arc; he’s always on the same quest, and everything he does week by week furthers this quest. As much as I was looking forward to WandaVision, I kept reminding myself, there’s no way they can do this; no way these two shows – my most-anticipated shows from two of my most-beloved franchises – can hit the bar so successfully, back-to-back.

Well.

I’m not sure if WandaVision is quite the overall triumph The Mandalorian is, but they’re both pretty tremendous achievements in slightly different ways. Wanda manages to tell a rather unsettling story in the MCU whilst also doing a terrific job of parodying sitcom tropes; it works on a meta level as well as a practical one. Also, as far as puzzle-box type programmes go, this one has been doing an excellent job; week by week, you’re further intrigued by what’s going on in Westview; what’s real? Who’s behind it? is Vision still dead? Will Darcy get her own show? It’s a fantastic exercise in drip-feeding information, maintaining a degree of unease and suspense, and offering a compelling mystery. Will they keep it up until the end? I’ve no idea; the reveal at the end of episode seven wasn’t quite a jaw-on-the-floor moment but it was exquisitely done, with a theme song and everything. Even if the most obvious predictions end up being true and the finale becomes a relatively straightforward goodies-versus-baddies barney, I’ve got faith in everyone involved to at least give us something utterly compelling and thoroughly entertaining.

But what if there really is at least one huge surprise left up the show’s vibranium sleeve? Certainly, the reveal of Evan Peters as Pietro Maximoff – being, visually if not in character at least, the Fox/X-Men universe version of Wanda’s brother, rather than the Adam Taylor-Johnson version we knew from Age of Ultron – was a hell of a moment, seemingly bridging the gap between the MCU as we knew it and the previously Fox-controlled properties. Since then, there’s been this bubbling rumour (which I’ve tried not to read too much into by literally not reading too much; this is something I’ve divined from headlines or stray tweets, because I want to keep forging my way through WandaVision without a map) that there is another epic cameo approaching, on the level of Luke Skywalker popping up in the finale of The Mandalorian. That moment was something of a surprise, even though I had it rather spoiled by Twitter; despite muting as many words as possible to do with the show, “Luke Skywalker” still popped up in trending topics. I’ve learned my lesson, and I essentially forgo any social media (and a lot of other sites too) until I’ve seen the most recent episode. Anyway, what if this is true; what if there’s another character or moment that will rock the Marvel world to an even greater extent than The Other Pietro? If we’d be as surprised and delighted by something as much as we were by Luke making short work of those Dark Troopers? With this in mind, and being aware of the encroaching WandaVision finale, here are some predictions. What could happen? Who could we see? Which long-dormant plot thread will get resurrected? Read on to find out! And – spoiler warning – this has been revisited following the most recent episode; we are officially in the endgame now.

And I’m sure all of these are realistic and serious suggestions.

I Am Your Father: We have actually met Wanda’s parents at last; ordinary decent Sarkovian folk, it seems. But from where did her nascent witchy powers appear? What if, in a shocking last-minute twist, we discover her real father, and he’s played by… Ian McKellen! It was Eric all along!

SWORD versus Skrulls: a post-credit sting will reveal that – shock! – Tyler Hayward is, in fact, a SKRULL! Yes, finally, the shape-shifting buggers will get to be the baddies from the comics, as an up-to-no-good splinter faction of the beleaguered race makes its presence felt on the MCU, having successfully infiltrated world governments over the past thirty years. This will set up Samuel L. Jackson’s Secret Invasion series.

The Ultron of it All: there have been more mentions of Ultron in WandaVision than in any MCU property since, well, Age of Ultron. And now we have a custom-built all-white model of Vision, big as life and twice as creepy. What if – what if – shorn of his own psyche (his own soul?) and without an Infinity Stone to keep him upright, there remains in the hardware some remnant of everyone’s favourite sarky, genocidal mechanoid? Ultron returns! Screw you, planet Earth!

The Sorcerer Supreme is Not Happy: we know magic exists in the MCU because of Doctor Strange, so seeing Agatha and her family get their Hocus Pocus on in old Salem wasn’t too much of a surprise. But isn’t the Sorcerer Supreme supposed to keep an eye on magic use in the multiverse? I was half expecting Tilda Swinton to pop up in the flashback and bind Agatha with the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak. But now, with all the chaos magic Wanda is using in Westview, coupled with Agatha’s own spelling bee? Surely this has drawn the attention of somebody? Anybody? I mean, New York isn’t that far from Jersey, especially if you’ve got a sling ring, y’know?

No More Avengers: so Benedict Cumberbatch popping up wouldn’t be that much of a surprise (especially as Wanda is in the next Doctor Strange movie) but even if he’s not on Magic Police duty, wouldn’t an enhanced situation of this size draw the attention of one of the Avengers? Except – shock horror! – there are no Avengers! In a revelation that will set up the status quo of Falcon and the Winter Soldier, since the events of Endgame the Avengers literally don’t exist. So who will unite to save the world, not just from Wanda or Agatha, but also from the likes of SWORD? Well, right now, no one; but maybe that’ll change when the real villains appear…

No More Mutants: in the “House of M” storyline, Wanda very famously said “no more mutants” and it was so (more or less). Mutants don’t (seem to) exist in the MCU. But what if, at one point, they did? I don’t think this could have been Wanda’s doing, but what if in the past someone else had used magic to de-power/de-mutify the existing mutant population of Earth, and – basically – made everyone forget about it? And in the climax of WandaVision, well, “no more” is undone and – boom! – X-genes abound. This could even maybe set up some events in The Eternals, who I believe have some history with mutants in the comics (I’m really not very well-versed in Eternals lore)

Soul Stealer: so Wanda’s the Scarlet Witch, and a chaos magician, and super-enhanced courtesy of an Infinity Stone, but still: how did she create not one but three super-powered lifeforms? Where did they come from? Did she steal their souls? Is she leeching her own life-force to maintain them? I think we’ll discover a bit more about her powers and reveal that she’s drawing energy mutliversally, maybe from the Dark Dimension – maybe from Mephisto? I’d actually put money on Mephisto not showing up at all, despite his comic book connections to Agatha and Wanda.

Multiversal Madness: why that Pietro? He’s just a fake, just an automaton – right? But he’s still out and about spooking Monica whilst Agatha’s dealing with Wanda… yeah? And he looks like another Pietro from another universe (even if he doesn’t act like that). So… why? And who? I really, really think there’s some kind of multiversal craziness going on here, some force beyond Wanda (and Agatha!). Maybe it’s to do with Wanda pulling power from across the multiverse, maybe it’s… something else. Maybe we’ll get cameos from Lou Ferringo, Bruce Campbell, Spider-Ham and ROM the Space Knight. Hey, don’t forget: Transformers was a Marvel comic once! And they do have a Chaos-Bringer…

Wanda Did It: one of the prevailing theories/queries about WandaVision has been who’s behind it all. Wanda’s not powerful enough (or villainous enough), so who exactly did create TV Westview? Who brought Vision back, gave Wanda her sons? Well, the latest ep sure seemed to show that it really was Wanda All Along. The explanation being that she’s “the Scarlet Witch”, a presumably hella-powerful sorcerer and also (let’s not forget) imbued with Infinity Stoniness. But is she on her own really that strong, and would she – even in her despair – alter so many minds? What if there’s another Wanda, a Wanda prepared to go all-out, a Wanda who – after losing everything on her Earth is trying to recreate it by pooling her powers will another Wanda? An alternate universe, more damaged, more villainous Wanda – a Wanda who’s already said “no more mutants”, maybe; maybe even the Wanda from the Fox X-Men films (who AFAIK we’ve only seen as a little girl in her brother’s arms). That’s why Pietro looks like that, because she’s trying to rebuild her own life using the powers of this other Wanda. Two Wandas; two Witches. Dukin’ it out. And who can come to save the day, but the X-Men?

We’re All Doomed: giving credit to my brother for pointing me in this direction when he said “if there’s a big bad in WandaVision it either has to be someone very good at magic or very good at science”. Or… both? Think about it. Which character, if they cameoed in an MCU property, could possibly generate as much excitement as Luke Skywalker in The Mandalorian? No actor from the MCU; not even Downey. From another Marvel property? We’ve had a Fox actor already and with the rumours about Spider-Man: No Way Home, whether we saw Hugh Jackman or Tobey Maguire, I think that would be exciting but not as exciting. So I think it’s a character, not an actor. A character big and exciting enough to make us all squee. And which character from Marvel has never been seen in the MCU, is not necessarily expected any time soon, is very good at magic and very good at science? One. I’d say only one. Bring it on.

This actually became a lot more sensible than I’d intended! I was gonna go all-out, rolling in Muppet Babies, MODOK, HERBIE, the Phoenix Force, and basically the entire Patton Oswalt speech from Parks and Recreation. And whilst I think virtually none of these will (or should?!) happen, just imagine… man, I can’t believe we have to wait a week!

#top ten #wanda #vision #mcu #wandavision #wandavision spoilers #movies #tv #comics #magic

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desdemonafictional · 4 years ago

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2020 Fanfic Year End Summary

Hey ho let’s go

Nev does these every year and I think they’re interesting, so for the first time I’m gonna give it a go too. I feel like this has been the longest fucking year--the Zine feels like it was two years ago and last January feels like it was ten years ago.

I’m gonna answer some questions and do a little reflection on the year

This year I technically finished Icarus with 2k words of a 36k story, and after that I went on to produce 197k words not even COUNTING the stuff from GPAU which I do not know how to divide up for 2020.

That’s 23 fics in one year, 8 of which were cowriting projects. This year has been, objectively, insane. By comparison, in 2019 I produced 17 fics and at the time I thought THAT was doing pretty impressive work. Now it’s not my best year by sheer number of titles--2018 was an oil boom while I was into JTHM and I actually put out 25 fics that year, some of which were short oneshots and some of which were two- or three-shots. But in terms of words? 2020 knocked them all out of the park. Which is absolutely something I owe to my amazing friends who let me ride around in their brains like the parasite I am.

In 2018 I started cowriting with Chokopopo, in 2019 I started cowriting with Neveralarch, and in 2020 I just did a fucking ton more of that with no looking back. It’s so incredibly motivating to have someone to show your progress to! And to have someone to hand the project over to when you’re stuck. If I hadn’t had Nev to bounce off of, most of this fic wouldn’t have been thought up at all, let alone finished. And don’t even get me started on GPAU! Choko and Zephyr and me have done such amazing things with “Welcome! Everything is fine”, and I can’t wait to be able to wrap that up and leave it for posterity.

I switched job positions around July of this year, and it’s changed the way I produce fic. Not sure if it’s good yet or not. I was never actually under a stay at home order this year because I work for a state agency, so to a degree I’ve missed out on the ways that quarantine affected other writers. I think I was fortunate?

Best Title

Ahhh this is tough, I put a lot of effort into my titles this year--I promised myself in 2019 I was going to stop using song lyrics for fic titles because they make songs loop in my brain and it’s self inflicted torment, which is a promise I... mostly kept. “Dress Your Idol in Gold and Ashes” is the one I put most effort into probably, because I kept toying around with it trying to find something that was evocative of the right pagan imagery, and also the idea that got me started on the fic was a passage in a text book about the daily dressing of an idol statue in ancient Egypt.

“Broke My Last Glass Jaw” gets special mention because I named it after an essay that I wrote in undergrad for my African American Lit course, in which I broke down themes of the spoiled american dream via the lens of 90′s rap.

Worst Title

“Take one for the Team” is definitely my laziest title. It’s just super self indulgent kink fic, no character arc or anything, so I couldn’t find a good image or phrase to bring in for the title. Also I remember I really wanted to post it quickly, since it was a response to some art I was looking at, and I wanted the artist to see. I’m sure I could have done better with the title.

I did end up titling “Fear and Delight” after a song but I forgive myself because I literally only wrote the fic because the song existed first.

Best Summary

Some of these summaries I wrote and a some I did not, but of the ones that I wrote I think.... “ I'm All Full Up on Yesterdays, Don't Sing Me No More Blues” is the best one. It launches you directly into the action, while preserving the surprise reveal at the end of chapter 1. I actually wrote chapter one with this summary in mind, so it was baked in there from the start.

Jazz turned in his seat, cube at his lips, just in time to spot the white pursuit vehicle steaming and panting in the doorway. “Jazz of Staniz,” the enforcer shouted, “surrender the matrix and come quietly!”

Jazz knocked back his drink. “Well!” he said to the open-mouthed bartender, “time to split!”

Worst Summary

I mean, summaries are hard for everyone, right? That’s the thing we all universally struggle with, I think? I usually end up liking mine, and this year I was less afraid to just let a section of the story speak for itself. Anyway the worst one is “ Broke My Last Glass Jaw” by virtue of the fact that I had to come back months later and add another line because I wasn’t satisfied with how it was reaching audiences.

After the war, Impactor is at loose ends.

(They were friends once, weren't they? After all this time, Impactor wonders if Megatron hasn't managed to forget.)

I really wanted that one line to say it all, but honestly it requires a lot of trust in me as the author and most of the people who pass by the fic in the archive aren’t gonna know me from adam. The second line clarifies what kind of story it’s going to be in terms of tone and theme.

Best First Line

I’m pretty ambivalent about most of my first lines. Since Nev already pointed out the first line in “ Apotheosis”, I have to admit, it is pretty good. It gets off to a real jaunty start.

“Excuse me,” Starscream said, striding down the steps of the senate chambers with his cape flaring out behind him, “get your cowcatcher out of his face, you tin-plated amateur despot, he’s with me.”

I also like the audacity of a run on sentence that is the opening to “ Desecrate You”

Ratchet clicks the video because it was auto-recommended, and because First Aid is always dropping hopeful hints that he wants her to watch his show when he’s supposed to be grading papers, and because something about the title (“This is Definitely a Hoax! None of this is Real! Short Cut Footage Episode”) makes her wonder why the hell someone who runs a Ghost Hunting youtube channel would bill their own hard work as a hoax right out of the bag.

Worst First Line

Definitely the least interesting is from “Tantric Sex, and Other Mysteries of the Divine”. I guess it’s another fic where I was really eager to get to the meat of the fic, and so I just went back after I was done with the fic and wrote a paragraph of bare bones setting context so we could move on already.

It’s game night at Swerve’s, and Nightbeat is out in the thick of the crew for once, getting the lay of the land.

I have the same problem in a few fics, which probably arises from the fact that when I read a fic, I often skim the first paragraph or so to see if I really want to commit to the read. So I sometimes write like I’m expecting the audience to do that too. I probably need to work on that. Man, I even did it in Sexy Staycation.

Best Last Line

I like endings! I usually have a good gut instinct for where stories should end, and how to pace that, and what image I want to close the fic on. Often times I’ll be writing a story and feeling really lukewarm about it, and then the ending will come to me, and I’ll feel totally won over by it. That happened with my Suicide Squad fic years ago. So this is for the most part me picking the best of the things I already like. “Broke My Last Glass Jaw” has a good pithy one; I like how it isolates this moment as a moment of choice, and how it’s also ambiguous whether he will change because of this or whether he’s doomed to go back to his predetermined pattern.

And despite the unguarded door and the empty inviting streets beyond, where no one wants or expects anything of him but his feterless bitter trog onward into the next waiting prison cell, Impactor lays down, and Impactor does.

Special mention goes to “ The Sky Dark in its Eclipse : Orange Light Remix”, because the ending section is one of the big changes I brought to the remix, and I’m really happy with how it alters the shape of the narrative and also how it changes the focus of Rung’s arc. Most of the actual words in this fic were written by Choko in 2018, so this is like a collab in slow motion--I changed loadstone moments mostly, some of the framing, all of the backstory, and updated the setting for Cybertron. But the ending is all me.

On the morning of Intro to Psych finals, while Hot Rod hums and taps and scrolls back and forth through his test on the front row of the testing hall, Rung will sit behind his desk and brush the dust from the rotors of his fateful archetype, and start the long process of putting the pieces together once and for all.

Worst Last Line

Again, I like my endings, so this is really the worst of the best. The original ending line I wrote for “ All Our Urgent Restless Sighing” was:

Deadlock’s finials twitched. “...I am a reasonable amount of interested,” he said, “in this topic.”

And in the beta process, Nev came back in and added the line about Ratchet and cuddling, which was a big hit with the readers it seems like. So clearly I benefitted from some help there haha!

Looking back, did you write more or less than you thought you would this year?

you know what, I definitely wrote more than I thought I would. I didn’t see “Don’t Sing Me No More Blues” coming at all, and that was once a month for most of the year. I was hoping that I would be able to write a few things outside of Transformers, because I always worry that my long spans of hyperfixation are driving away my longtime readers... and I did manage to get one hxh thing written that was good, and one hxh thing started that is mediocre so far. So I guess I’ll call that good enough.

What’s your favorite story this year? Not the most popular, just your favorite.

hmm I’m really proud of the Pharma chapter me and Choko put together for GPAU--the body horror, the tragedy, the lotus eater machine plot. But even though that felt like a whole ass story of its own, I guess it’s only a chapter at the end of the day. So my favorite story would be “Apotheosis”. It’s just SO much, and we had SO many things we wanted to do, and somehow we managed to do them ALL. Corpses! Children! God! It’s got everything! The only thing it doesn’t have is the idea that literally started us plotting out the fic. And that was “ritual public sex with Starscream and Rung”. Oh well. Maybe someday. Probably not.

Okay, Now your most popular story

Ha! I tend to view the success of a fic more based on its bookmark ratio than its hit count, but by the numbers, unsurprisingly, “ Don't Sing Me No More Blues” is my most popular fic of the year at a whopping 3k hits and 113 bookmarks. Well, it is jazz/prowl which means it has a built in audience of considerable size, and it also updated seven times this year which increases its net range, so no surprise. But I think people also just really vibed with it--it’s very much a product of the times we are living in, and I don’t think it could have been written in any year except for 2020.

“Dress Your Idol” has 58 bookmarks, by the way. I’m extremely proud of that fic for having such a high bookmark to view ratio. I guess the people who did read it liked it a lot.

Story most underappreciated in its Time.

Okay nothing is as under-exposed as the stuff I produced in JTHM, so I’m definitely not complaining. It’s hard to think about leaving TF because TF is such an enthusiastic community. That said, “ Neggnog Cozy” did not get eyeballs. I’m not surprised, it’s short and it’s gen, and Thundercracker doesn’t have the built in audience of say Starscream. Still, I thought it was really funny and cute and I would have liked it if more people would have given it a chance.

Story that could have been better

Oh, “ Melusine Among the Tombs” for sure. I went into that with only the first chapter planned and immediately after realized that I had no idea where the fic was going and also I had lost my grip on canon characterization after a couple years going rusty in other fandoms. I plan to finish it eventually, but I need a better plan than “wing it???” first.

Sexiest Story

I wrote SO much weird kink this year. Like. Shout out to past me for writing some pretty spicy JTHM fic, but this year I really leaned into how weird you can plausibly get with an all robot all alien cast.

“ The Sensual Machine” is the most unabashedly horny because it was written specifically for a weird kink themed zine that I was an editor on. “Desecrate You” is also quite horny but I almost exclusively wrote the frame device for that, so I don’t get sexy credit lmao. “Fear and Delight” was a big hit with all the hxh readers and I think it has an element of sexiness more so than pure horniness--its has a kind of glamour and style to it.

Most fun story

“Starscream's Sexy Staycation” is by far the most unabashedly comic and sexy and silly and low stakes. It has one of my favorite kinks, a beautiful stupid moment of Ratchet suffering, and Rung calling safeword which is something new and fresh and I want a lot more of it in the world.

Did any stories shift your perceptions of the characters?

“ Lacunae” was given to me as a yule gift prompt with the express intention of explaining who the fuck Carmilla’s mother was, and what the deal is with Carmilla as well. This would have forced me to reevaluate my understanding of the novel except for the TEENSY insignificant fact that I realized I had never finished reading Carmilla, somehow, and ended up reading it for the first time in December in preparation for yule. So uh. Hmm.

I think “ Don't Sing Me No More Blues” made me think about Prowl in a different way. I wasn’t really expecting him to be this hard-edged idealist when I started out on the fic. He was originally going to be much more like the autistic coded Prowl of “The Cop and the Cryptid,” one of my favorite fics ever. Also, I started writing the fic about a month before the riots and police protest kicked off in America this year, and it really caused me to zero in on how Prowl being part of a system like that affects his relationship to the world and other characters.

Hardest Story to Write

“ Elegy for Actaeon of the Hounds” took me a total of six months to write from start to finish. I don’t know why. Well, It’s partly because there are three involved sex scenes and sex scenes are actually very difficult and time consuming for me to write. It’s also partly because I kept wanting it to have a character arc, and I kept getting stumped on how to handle that. Beauty and the Beast plot lift? Have Rodimus be a rabbit? Eventually I settled on the version that kept the cast tightly cinched down around Megatron and Rung, and I’m happy with the result.

Easiest Story to Write

When we were writing “Apotheosis” it felt like we were on FIRE, we were so productive and we started three other projects between us while it was in motion. But “Take One For the Team” was absolutely the most fun to write, it basically wrote itself

Most Overdue Story

“Champagne in the Final Days of Rome” was based off a conversation I had with Nev pretty early on in our friendship--Discord says it was June 2019, so that’s uhhh ten months between discussion to actual writing? And it still didn’t turn out to be the fic we were originally outlining, haha.

Oh god you know what was really the most overdue? The last chapter of “Icarus; or, Look Who's Digging His Own Grave”. It was literally a year, January to January, between chapter 12 and 13. For a while I thought maybe I was just going to have to leave it there, without resolving the time loop problem at all.

Did you take writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

Writing for the zine was a big risk. I remember Nev had to reassure me at least twice that what I was writing wasn’t too weird or off-topic or embarrassing to be part of the project. Now, of course, I’m very happy with it. But my god I was nervous to post something that was like.... straight up actually bimboification applied to one of the most popular toy characters of all time.

What I learned from this is that people love horny shit, are READY to take a chance on a weird fic when its in the right wrapping paper, and when in doubt you CAN sell people on a kink they’re not really into by making the kink actually a reflection of a character arc. Are you writing this down?

Do you have any goals for writing in the new year?

Finish GPAU!!!!!!

I’d like to FINALLY sit down and do some hard work on my original fiction. I’ve been kind of waiting for the tf hyperfixation to wane so I could move forward, and I think that process is in motion now. But who knows. If Rung shows up in the new comics I might get nerfed again.

Other than that I’d like to write at least one fanfic that isn’t TF, and I would like to get this really crunchy Rung/Pharma fic off the ground so I can make some people CRY

#2020 retrospective #fanfic

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throughthewwods · 4 years ago

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100 Days of Productivity . Day 91

🧡 Had my research team meeting. I’ve been assigned my first support-line client! I’m so excited!

It’s hard to believe that all this is finally happening. I joined this research team December 2019.

🥳

🧡 I talked to two grad programs

I’m really grateful for the grad school/career advice I’ve been given so far. Totally Online University sounded really good until I noticed something was off. Turns out they’re not CACREP accredited, so.. that would be a masters degree in underwater basket weaving.

Spendy University has an online option, but no synchronistic virtual classes, which is not great. At least the Christian University had virtual classes. most of these degrees require me to travel far away for a weekend or a week, which would be really complicated to make happen. i’m glad even though the online advisor’s description of their campus option didn’t sound like it would work for me I called anyway. Turns out Spendy University campus does have a hybrid, low residency option I could do.. Hazah! For a mere $80,000 😰 even after grant assistance that would still put me roughly $50,000 in debt… so.. there’s that..

🧡 I scheduled a meeting with the psych department head of Spendy University

💜 I put my feelers out in a couple mom groups to Connect with other vaccinated, Covid mindful families so my kid can make some friends

💜 ParehtWin 🙂 A few moms have already replied,

kiddo hit it off with one of the kidlets on FaceTime, and a play date is already scheduled for next weekend with a girl from her GS troop.

🧡 Had a constructive conversation with my PhD in anthropology friends.

They had some good ideas on volunteer opportunities I could look into

🧡 put in my application for a local nonprofit that helps the homeless

🧡 signed up for their volunteer introductions meeting

🧡 all signed up and connected with a nonprofit that helps families going through hard times.

That childhood trauma training comes with certification, which is good even if it doesn’t lead to actual volunteer experience.

Busy busy busy for never leaving my apartment 😅

Hopefully that wide net catches a few fish. if nothing else, I can at least say I kept trying until the bitter end!

I’ve reached out to the moms groups a few times over the last year trying to find a part of sorts to no avail. That people got back to me yesterday was a pleasant surprise. Listening to kiddo chatter ecstatically to her new potential friend made my heart happy for her.

And maybe Spendy University will be a good fit?

RB is so incredibly supportive. ❤️

The expense of Spendy U lead to an important conversation with RB that has been in the works for a while, but became RealTalk last night. I need to start making life altering decisions for myself, which includes him, his life, our relationship progression, so I wanted to get his input on The logistics of all this, and his consent to what all this could mean for us, him personally because it will effect him. I’ve put so much pressure on myself to get into grad school as soon as possible so I can be done with academia, off assistance, developing my career, finally self-sufficient, finally a provider, finally a contributor, but What good is rushing into things if it puts me ultimately in $40,000 of debt when I could’ve spent the next year volunteering at various agencies, acquiring experience, studying for my GRE, and potentially being accepted into a more affordable grad program? Waiting a year could save me $40,000… maybe by some miracle I could even get into my local university, which has an amazing counseling program. Even if next year I still end up going to Spendy University, having that volunteer experience on my resume will be beneficial when it comes time for me to apply to Community medical organizations for my supervised hours, so it wouldn’t be a wasted year.

Seems obvious that I should choose patience, but this isn’t just about me. If we moved in together, buy a house together, it means that RB would be carrying the majority of the expenses for the next 2-5 years depending on how I broach grad school. Alternatively, I could stay at my apartment and we could just keep doing what we’re doing until I can be more monetarily helpful. It’s not a great set up, but it works. Maybe the solution is but he moves closer in the meantime to lessen commute obstacles?

So all this is all kind of a big deal. heh. I thought a lot about it and been nervous to discuss it fully because no matter what it’s asking a lot of him that was not in the memo when we first started dating mostly because I don’t think either one of us was thinking this far ahead at the time.

And… he was great about it all.. Totally understanding and supportive regardless of what I decide, thinks the logistics of everything are doable, still wants to get a place together, no barbs at all. We even revisited the possibility of buying my friend’s farm and what that process would look like.

I can’t begin to describe what it feels like to finally trust someone has my back for the first time in my life. I’ve had a few dear friends over the years I call family, but at a certain point as people follow their dreams our paths diverge and I’ve never been willing to be a sidekick. so.. it’s always been a pretty lonesome journey. Family is dysfunctional and 3000 miles away not by accident. Allies come and go. I chose terrible boyfriends, so.. that was counterintuitive. RB is literally the only person who I’ve been able to share the ins and outs of my walk. He’s the only one who sees my good days and rough patches, all the little wins, the hurtles, the chronic stress, tears, moments of reprieve, strategizing,.. he’s the only person I really want to celebrate with when I finally cross that finish line because he knows what it took.

#journal #writing #my writing #motherhood #parenting #100 days of productivity #studystudystudy #positivemindset #relationship #couples goals #love #happylife #RBlovestory

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angelsfalling16 · 5 years ago

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“Spa” Day

Inspired by this post and a conversation I had with the always lovely @wo2ash who this fic is dedicated to.

Summary: Baz asks Simon to go on a spa day with him, but Simon seems to misunderstand the meaning of it.

A/N: This was only supposed to be a couple hundred words, but I got a little carried away, so now it’s 4k words...

Read it on ao3

***

Baz

Simon and I are studying at my apartment this weekend. My roommates are either out of town or out partying, so we have the place to ourselves. Which means that my books and notes are spread out across the living room floor, and Simon is spread out across the couch pretending to be reading his science textbook.

It would be much more convincing if he’d turn the page every once in a while, but I can see that he’s tired of studying. We actually did spend a good hour or so earlier today quizzing each other for a couple of tests that we have coming up, so I think he’s just all studied-out.

We should take a break soon, walk down to the café down the street and grab some lunch. He is probably starving by now, and I don’t have anything in my fridge that is all that edible. I intended on going shopping today, but I have been busy with Simon all day. I will make a trip to the store tonight after he’s gone back to his own apartment.

I finish taking notes on the chapter I’ve been reading for my psych class before dropping my pencil on my notebook and stretching. A break really would be nice.

I look over at Simon, and he appears to be watching me, but he quickly returns to staring at the book in front of him. This time, he does turn the page, which makes it a little suspicious.

I take a moment to look him over. He’s stretched out on his stomach with his textbook propped against the arm of the couch in front of him. His long, freckled legs hang off the side of the couch.

It’s not necessarily warm outside, but it’s the warmest day we’ve had in a while. I was only mildly surprised when he showed up wearing shorts today.

After three years of knowing him, I’ve realized that he runs warmer than most people, so on the sunnier days, he can almost always be found wearing shorts and a t-shirt, even if it’s barely above 40 degrees out. Simply looking at him makes me cold and want to grab a blanket to throw over him.

Simon and I met when we were roomed together during our freshman year of college. Together in that small dorm room, tensions were always high. We were constantly at each other’s throats, and more than once, it came to fists.

After that year, I decided to move into an apartment with a couple of roommates, away from Simon, but we kept running into each other on campus and in classes.

At first, our interactions consisted mainly of hostile glances and harsh sneers, but after a while, we started trading pleasantries.

I even began to enjoy seeing him, hoping that he would be there every time that I turned a corner or walked into the student union.

It began as simple hellos, but after a while, we stopped to catch up and see how the other was doing. Mostly, I wanted to see if his roommate was as bad as he was, but it turns out he began sharing an apartment with his best friend.

Talking to him like that was so much easier than it was to talk to him in our dorm. It was like the space allowed me to breathe a different air from him, and that allowed my feelings to both grow and to not feel so urgent.

Falling for my annoying, incessantly messy roommate was one of the worst things that I’ve done.

Even though I couldn’t stand being around him, I also couldn’t’ stand the thought of being away from him.

I was grateful when my cousin suggested that we get an apartment together with another friend of ours because I had no excuse not to get out of that dorm room.

I never thought that Simon and I would have to deal with each other after that or that we would somehow become friends, but we weren’t just seeing each other for those brief moments.

It was like the universe was throwing us together, and it was hard to ignore.

We ended up in the same study group one night during sophomore year, and at first, because of the way that I had seen him study (or rather, not study) in our dorm room that first year, I thought that he would be someone who would bring the group down by either not participating or by asking questions that only someone who had not read the material would ask.

Instead, he turned out to be a great addition to the group. Better even than a few of the others who had definitely not done any of the reading and basically expected us all to summarize it for them.

Simon did participate, though, adding useful input, which would have once pained me to admit. He stumbled over his words at times, and rather than cruelly make fun of it like I once would have, I was patient with him and glad that the others were, too.

After that, we started to meet up to study a lot, bouncing ideas off of each other for essay topics and quizzing each other.

Sometimes, we met up with a larger group, but more and more often, we started meeting up alone, to the point that it seems like we meet up every weekend, just the two of us. And on the weekends that we don’t study together, I feel myself aching with the need to see him.

It’s ridiculous. I should be over this stupid crush by now.

Only, it isn’t just a crush. Because I’m completely, hopelessly in love with him. And that isn’t going to change.

I tried hating him. I tried ignoring him. I even tried just being friends with him. But none of it has worked. No matter how hard I try, I can’t get over him.

I am completely enthralled by him.

Simon clears his throat, and I’m pulled out of my thoughts. I realize that I have been staring at him for far too long, and I wonder how long it has been since he noticed.

Tearing my eyes away from him, my face grows warm as I start to gather my scattered study materials.

“Do you want to go for lunch?” I ask, standing up.

“Yes!” Simon practically shouts, jumping to his feet. “It feels like it’s been years since the last time I ate.”

I shake my head at his over exaggeration and fight a smile, knowing full well that he ate a huge breakfast this morning, just like he does every morning.

I grab my jacket from the hook by the door, and Simon and I walk in silence down to the café. Then, I order the largest coffee they have and half a sandwich while I swear Simon orders half the menu.

I’m even more convinced of this when he has haphazardly stacked all of various food items on our usual table which is far too small to hold all of it. (I’m pretty sure a couple of items end up sitting in his lap, but I don’t comment on it.)

I eat my sandwich in small bites while I pretend not to watch him quickly and methodically eat his own food. He offers me a bag of chips, but I politely decline. He simply shrugs before tearing them open and eating them himself.

I smile fondly at him, hoping that he doesn’t notice how lovesick I am, and I pretend not to notice that he keeps staring at me.

This is what is so confusing about him. I catch him watching me all the time, but he never shows any interest in me. At least, not the way that I want him to. But still, there are times when it feels like there is something brewing between us.

We spend a lot of time together, and it is more than just studying. We talk and laugh and genuinely enjoy spending time with each other, and it feels like we could be something more, but it is impossible to tell whether Simon would want something like that.

He and I have never talked about relationship stuff. Probably because we were never close enough for that when we roomed together and because the only person who I have truly been deeply interested in is him.

It’s most likely just wishful thinking to believe that there is something growing between us, but I can’t seem to let it go.

When we return to my apartment, we study for another hour or so before I get the feeling that Simon is going to leave soon.

Seeing that he still seems really stressed, I get an idea.

“Simon,” I say softly to get his attention, and the smile he turns on me has me going weak-kneed, and I’m glad that I’m leaning against the armchair so that I don’t collapse under the weight of it.

“Yeah?”

“You’ve seemed really stressed lately, so I was thinking that maybe we should go on a spa day to help us relax.”

“A what day?” Simon asks, looking adorably confused. His nose wrinkles and eyebrows pull close together as he squints at me.

“A spa day,” I repeat.

“What is the word ‘spa’? It’s like you’re starting to say a word but you’re not finishing it.”

I can’t tell if he’s being serious or if he’s trying to deflect as a way to turn me down without being rude. I’m about to tell him that it’s fine, that he can just forget about it, but he continues on.

“Are you trying to say ‘spaghetti’? Are you asking me to go on a spaghetti day?”

I raise a brow at the way that his eyes light up at the idea of that. I shake my head at him, not in answer to his question but more in disbelief. I want to be annoyed at his complete misunderstanding of what I said, but he’s starting to look excited, and I feel myself giving in before the fight even begins.

“So, you want to go for a spaghetti day?” He asks when I don’t respond.

I was sort of joking about the spa day. I didn’t seriously think that he would agree to it, but I won’t say no to going to dinner with him.

This could be what I’ve been looking for. The chance to see if there is even the slightest possibility of something happening between us.

So, I say yes to the spaghetti day, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.

***

Okay, so maybe taking Simon on a “spa” day was a bit of a mistake.

We decided on a really nice Italian restaurant to go to the day after our little study date where it’s basically a requirement to dress up in your nicest clothes, but I still half-expected Simon to show up in jeans and a t-shirt. Instead, he surprised me by showing up on my doorstep wearing dark grey dress pants and a dress shirt to match with a tie over it that’s a lighter shade of grey. The sleeves of his shirt are rolled up to just below his elbow, showing off his freckled arms, and he decided to forgo a jacket, but that’s all understandable considering the fact that it’s even warmer outside today than it was yesterday.

I never would have thought that Simon would look so good in grey. But boy, does he look good.

I practically began salivating when I opened the door to him, and it took some work to keep my eyes on his shining blue eyes.

I’m wearing my own dress suit in a lovely dark shade of green, and I slide on the jacket before grabbing my keys and meeting him back at the door. His gaze is appraising, and I try not to squirm under it, trying to ignore the way that his eyes linger in some places, trying not to get my hopes up too soon.

“Ready?” I ask, pulling his eyes back up to mine.

He nods, and we’re on our way.

Keeping both hands on the steering wheel as I drive is a struggle as I fight the urge to reach over to touch Simon. To hold his hand, to feel the warmth of his arm under his shirt, to push the hair out of his eyes.

I know he would not be too appreciative of me doing that, so I keep my hands to myself and my eyes on the road.

When we arrive at the restaurant, we are quickly led to a booth in the back. It’s dark back here, the light above our table bare illuminating the table and our menus as we look them over, but it gives us a sense of privacy.

As I look over the options, I can’t keep myself from glancing at Simon. He looks so nice, and I hate that this feels like a date when it obviously isn’t.

I wonder what we look like to the other customers. Do we look like a young couple on a date, or do we look like two friends who just needed to get out and go somewhere nice?

Can they see how much I long to touch him? Can they see the truth of the situation, or do I have them just as fooled as I have Simon?

“You don’t like tomatoes, right?” Simon asks suddenly.

I look up at him in surprised, a little disbelieving that he would know that.

He smiles and says, “I paid attention to you, you know.”

“I’m very aware of that,” I say, remembering all of those times he watched me, waiting for me to slip up and do something that would get me kicked out of the dorm so that he would no longer have to room with me. (Of course, I never did.) “I just thought you might have been paying attention to other things about me.”

He shrugs and is quiet for a moment before saying, “I was thinking that we could get a few different things and share.”

“Okay. It wouldn’t really be a spaghetti day without options.”

“Exactly. But maybe we could both choose one and then pick another one to share. That way you wouldn’t have to eat anything with tomatoes in it.”

“Sounds good,” I say, surprised again by how thoughtful he is being.

Simon ends up getting spaghetti and meatballs while I get chicken alfredo, and then we get a spinach artichoke pasta to share.

Watching him eat the bread while we wait for the various plates of pasta to arrive is what makes me think that this may have been a mistake.

He makes a big display with every bite of the over-buttered bread he takes, moaning as he chews and letting his eyes fall shut like it’s the best thing that he’s ever tasted.

It is affecting me in a way that is inappropriate for such a public space.

I force myself to focus on the condensation running down the side of my glass of water until our food arrives so that I don’t go absolutely mad with want.

The feeling doesn’t go away when our entrees arrive.

Simon is an atrocious eater, and yet, I still find myself wanting to reach across the table, wrap my hand around his tie, and then kiss him senseless.

Instead of doing that, though, I spin my fork in my hand and look down at my barely touched plate.

It would be brainless to do something like that, and it would end our friendship in less than a few seconds. Still, I sometimes think that it might be worth it.

I twirl some noodles around my fork and take a bite, chewing it thoughtfully before looking back up at him.

He has already finished his plate of spaghetti and moved onto the spinach artichoke.

For a brief moment, I imagine reaching over to that same plate and us ending up eating it Lady and the Tramp style. Surely an “accidental” kiss wouldn’t ruin our friendship…

I shake my head at myself and take another bite from my own plate.

It is a really good Alfredo, and if I were eating it by myself, I would probably have eaten at least half of it by now, but I try to be careful not to look like a pig when I’m eating in front of Simon, not wanting to make a fool of myself.

“You okay?” Simon asks after a moment, thankfully waiting until he has swallowed to speak. “You seem really quiet, pensive.

“I was just thinking.”

“What about?” He asks with an innocent curiosity.

I blush as the thought of our lips meeting over a strand of noodle reenters my mind.

In hindsight, that seems like a pretty gross way to kiss, with food trailed from one person’s mouth to another’s. It almost ruins my appetite, and I decide that I definitely don’t want our first kiss to be like that. If we were to even have one.

Simon is looking at me expectantly, so I decide to be partially honest with my answer and say, “Lady and the Tramp.”

“The movie?”

I nod.

“Cool.”

And just like that, he continues eating, none the wiser to my exact thoughts.

I finish my plate off and eat a few bites from the other plate, allowing Simon to eat as much as he wants.

When the bill arrives, I reach for it to pay seeing as I was the one who invited him out on this “spa” day, but Simon won’t let me, insisting that since he turned it into dinner that he should pay, confirming my suspicions.

He played dumb, intentionally turning this into us going out to dinner together. I just need to figure out why.

As we leave the restaurant and head towards my car, I realize that I don’t want this to end. I want to spend the rest of the night with Simon. Actually, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but that will never happen, so I have to make the most of right now.

I stop walking and turn to him right before we reach my car.

“I have a question,” I tell him.

He tilts his head to the side and peers at me curiously. “Okay. Ask me.”

“Did you just not want to go on an actual spa day or was there another reason you wanted to go to dinner instead?”

“I just really like spaghetti,” he says simply, like it’s a reasonable answer. And I suppose it is. I just hadn’t considered that option.

“Oh,” I say, my heart sinking in my chest.

Of course. I should have thought of that. Food has always been his top priority.

I nod at him and start to turn away, reaching for my pocket to grab my keys.

“Baz,” he whispers a moment before his hand wraps around my wrist. “Wait.”

I slowly turn back to him to see what he wants, attempting to mask the disappointment I feel at his answer.

“Yes, Simon?” I reply, sounding far too formal.

“I’m sure a spa day would have been fun, b-but I thought this would be better,” he admits.

“Better than what?”

“A better first date.”

“You think this was a date?” I ask, my heart starting to race.

“I-I had hoped it was. I d-don’t know.” He drops my arm and looks at the ground nervously. “I guess I wanted it to be, and when you asked me to go on a spa day, it felt like a good opportunity to turn it into something more.”

My heart stutters at the words ‘something more.’ Maybe I wasn’t imagining this thing between us.

“But you never said anything about this being a date. How was I supposed to know if it was one?”

He tears a hand through his hair and looks back up at me with a sigh. “I don’t know. I wanted to ask you if it was, but I was so worried that you would say it wasn’t that I thought it would be better to just not say anything. At least then, you couldn’t reject me.”

He’s putting into words a lot of the things that I’ve been thinking.

When we spend time together, there is always this feeling stirring between us like something is happening, but I’ve been too afraid that I was wrong about it to say anything.

I smile at him and he frowns.

“Look, I’m sorry for just assuming. We can just forget about this whole thing.”

I shake my head at him. “Simon, Simon,” I say slowly, drawing the sound out. I love the way his name feels in my mouth. “I can’t just forget about this. I want to remember it.”

“Why? So, you can go tell all your friends that I made a fool of myself and thought you would actually like me?”

It hurts that he still thinks I would do something like that, even after we’ve become friends, but I probably deserve that. I’m still pretty closed off around him, so as to protect myself from getting hurt.

“I wouldn’t do that. You’re my friend now.”

“Right. We’re just friends.”

I sigh and close my eyes for a brief moment. That isn’t quite how I meant for that to come out.

“No. I mean, we were friends, but—.”

“But not now that you know how I feel about you?” He says, interrupting me.

“No, that’s not—.”

He shakes his head and turns away from me, but not before I can see the hurt in his eyes.

If he would just listen to me, he would know that I was trying to say that I don’t want us to be just friends. I want so much more than that.

I want tonight to have been a date, and I want so many more just like it.

But now, he’s starting to walk away from me, and I think that he intends to walk home rather than sit in a car with me.

I have to remedy this before it’s too late.

“Simon, wait.” It’s my turn to reach out for him.

I pull lightly on his arm, and he turns to me. He’s reluctant about it, but at least he doesn’t pull away.

I try to find the words to tell him how I feel, but my search comes up empty. How do I describe the way that I have felt about him for so long? How do I tell him that he is my whole world? Or that he’s the sun and my world revolves around him?

I don’t think I can. At least, not yet.

But I can do this: I can pull him close to me and press my lips to his.

I start out hesitant, still giving him the chance to pull away, but he presses back hungrily, tilting his head to the side and parting his lips around mine.

I let him take over the kiss, and he does this wonderful thing with his chin that has fireworks going off behind my eyelids.

I have to pull back far too soon to catch my breath, but I don’t go far, leaning my forehead against his.

“I don’t want to be just friends,” I say finally. “I want something more.”

He grins at me, and it’s almost as blinding as the sun. He’s beautiful.

“Okay,” he says with a nod, then he kisses me.

This time, the kiss quickly deepens, and I tangle one hand in his hair and fist the other around his tie as he gently leads me back until my back is up against my car.

Forget the way his name feels; his tongue feels much better in my mouth.

After a few minutes, Simon starts to pull away, probably because we’re still standing in the middle of a parking lot, but I pull him back to me.

I don’t want him to go. I never want to let him go.

#snowbaz #snowbaz fic #simon snow #baz pitch #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #carry on #wayward son #rainbow rowell #my writing #spa day

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idreamtofmanderleyagain · 5 years ago

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“Dark Fantasies” and Other Assumptions

Ever since that Labyrinth post started going around, I’m seeing a lot of think pieces on “dark fantasies,” the psychology behind them, people’s right to have them, etc. etc.

In the context I’ve been seeing, phrases like “dark fantasy” seems to implicate that villain/heroine fandom (or Labyrinth fandom in this case) is almost exclusively a space intended to explore romantic fantasies that involve some degree of abuse.

Many times it seems these sentiments are coming from people who are themselves entirely outside of villain/heroine fandoms.

I have a few questions for tumblr.

Is the mere idea of an adult Sarah and Jareth coming together romantically years after the events of the film really one of these “dark fantasies?”

Have any of you ever actually engaged on a consistent basis with any of the material of Labyrinth fandom, or villain/heroine ships in general?

Speaking as someone who almost exclusively resides in villain/heroine fandom and has been a Labyrinth fan for literally the entire span of my memory, I have to say that I have never considered my fandom spaces to be something that I should feel guilty about, or should have to explain to anyone. I have never felt as though I was exploring some dark urge in me to witness abusive implications along with my romance. Quite the opposite, in fact.

What I can tell you is this: I really like some fucking character drama and suspense in my fiction, and I also really love romances. By nature, I wish to have both things in my stories.

The dynamic between a villain and a heroine in a romance primarily involves two characters who are in some way in opposition to each other, and who find themselves gravitating towards one-and-other despite that fact. That is the core basis of why this particular dynamic is compelling to the majority of people who consume it.

This does not require domestic abuse to accomplish.

Now, it’s very true that you will find a good handful of fanfictions which do involve abuse or bodice-ripper type dynamics. Dark fantasies like the types described above certainly do exist within these spaces. However, it’s not possible to blanket that kind of depiction over the entirety of Labyrinth fandom or villain/heroine fandoms.

In fact, a good majority of the time, the women who create content in these spaces are quite intentionally equalizing dynamics of power with already powerful men, depicting heroines exploring their own sexuality in the face of judgement, greater understandings of the self, and emotional healing.

Sometimes we do express darkness in the form of ambiguity and initial distrust, or the villain embodies a darkness which is something outside of the domestic romantic space. Sometimes darkness just means the presence of fear before a relationship begins.

Indeed, many times the real abuser happens to be the male hero. That is a very important point, because in real life, abuse always comes at the hands of regular “good” men. There are no real vampires, or goblin kings, or phantoms to menace us. So it makes quite a lot of sense that women might be drawn to exciting male figures in fiction, and feel the need to depict him as a contrast from the men who resemble ones they’ve met in real life.

This is not a “dark fantasy” that we need to speak of in hushed tones, or attempt to defend in pitying language for all the poor girls who just really need to explore fictionalized abuse for their own personal catharsis (not that I have a problem with people who do).

This is not my secret dark side. This is not something I do in a clandestine way to explore something within my own psyche. I participate in these fandoms pretty damn comfortable in the knowledge that I am not interested in writing or consuming romanticized abuse for my OTPs. When it’s relevant to do so I might deal with the subject, or deal with non-romantic dynamics that start off with the potential for trouble, but the intent is always to go forward with happiness, health and safety as the ultimate goal.

Please stop framing my favorite ships and fandoms as if they are something so deeply other that you must explain the psychology of a large group of women in order to understand, as if we were all a monolith and every individual’s personal tastes are all 100% part of one cohesive mass experience which can be summed up off the cuff on somebody’s woefully under-researched social media post.

We’re perfectly capable of exploring the psychology (and issues!) of our own fandoms if we wish to, and I don’t know that the opinions of people with no personal understanding of these spaces are welcome anymore.

#Villain x Heroine #Labyrinth #Gothic Romance

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bartramcat · 5 years ago

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Some Odd Thoughts on CSI 06x03

It's an unfortunate aspect of my existence that the best way for me to resolve an issue in a piece of fiction (or even an evolutionary theory) is to write about it. Also, unfortunately, I used to be a much better writer. I think I have spent too much time on Twitter the last several years and have lost my ability to sustain coherent thought. So here I go again rambling incoherently about my obsession de l'annee, i.e. CSI/GSR. As per usual, it will probably be all over the map. Oh well.

I have no idea why, but I was thinking about the scene in Bite Me as I was driving home the other day. It's a rather weird scene in that it almost comes across as Grissom intentionally trying to hurt Sara. Until we remember it's Grissom.

The thing about this love story is that we, as viewers, were given entree in medias res, but, unlike a true epic, nobody backfilled in the blanks, so, instead, we have to watch the episodes before the revelation of their affair and try to piece together how different scenes fit into the tale.

Then there is the Gumdrops problem. If the affair was to have been revealed 2 episodes after Bite Me, then it's pretty safe to conjecture that Grissom probably was projecting his own fears and insecurities about their relationship into the scene. GSR is nothing if not a treatise on the insecurities of love.

Grissom seems to have 2 contradictory responses to the fact that a married couple has separate bedrooms. His first reaction is almost mystification. Why be married and sleep separately? Sara provides some mundane explanations. Then he jumps to the fact that they may well have been suffocating each other, and he couldn't breathe, an hypothesis that seems to both stun and hurt Sara. Then she finds the sexual lubricant, confirming that sex was indeed occurring, despite the separate bedrooms. She asserts that sleeping in the same bed is not a requirement for either sex or romance. Grissom studies her thoughtfully for a moment and then beats a hasty retreat to see the doctor, a statement which at first Sara doesn't seem to comprehend.

I believe that Grissom always wanted to marry Sara, perhaps from the moment he first saw her, although I suspect he was painfully aware of how young she was when he first met her. (When I watch the first 2 seasons, she seems so young, and that was supposed to be a couple of years after he met her.) It's one of the things that makes me question the probability of his having sex with her in SF. I do not think a typical man would have had compunctions, but Grissom is not a typical man. (As much as everything pointed to the possibility of their making love in the time gap in Nesting Dolls, I think Grissom would have seen it as "taking advantage" of Sara's need for comfort.) Initially, he may have viewed her interest in him as no more than an eager student trying to impress a renowned entomologist, and her seeming attraction to him as no more than a short-term crush. In Grissom's worldview, how could the most wonderful girl he had ever met be as attracted to him as he was to her? Even if Sara offered sex, would he have accepted her invitation? I'm not sure. (Of course, the other side of that same coin is that he was so knocked over by his attraction to Sara that he went with it.)

A question I ponder every once in a while: Grissom tells us sex for him is pointless without love. Does that apply only to him, or does he also need to feel his partner loves him for the experience to have meaning? To give him joy, not despair? I don't know the answer to that. One thing is clear: he is not a casual sex kind of guy. He may have had a couple of relationships, including Julia Holden, he tried to make work, but when he couldn't love them, he drifted away from them. The ultimate oxymoron about Grissom is that the man who does his best not to feel is the true romantic: sex and love are inexorably intertwined in his psyche.

So now back to what I think might have been going on in the scene. I believe that they have been lovers in some sort of undefined relationship for over 6 months. Despite the fact that I think each of them is in it for the long haul, neither believes it will last forever. All along, Grissom has probably subconsciously wanted to propose, but both their work situation and his fear of rejection prohibit the possibility. If he asked, and she said no, that would in effect ruin what was. It's highly possible he was thinking about asking Sara to move in with him, which would be like a marriage without an official commitment. So he's confronted by this married couple who do not share a bed, and it kind of contradicts his expectations of sharing his life with Sara. At first, he cannot comprehend the why of separate bedrooms. (If he was married to/living with the love of his life, he damned well would be sleeping in the same bed with her.)

The more he compares the marriage in front of him to the hypothetical marriage/living with Sara, the more his own doubts creep in. What if they end up like this? What if they suffocate each other? As far as we know, Grissom hasn't cohabitated with anyone since leaving home. Probably pretty daunting a proposition. As per usual, his heart and head are in conflict. Then Sara finds the lubricant. The couple was having sex after all (or so they assume at that point). So she reminds him you can have sex and romance without necessarily sleeping in the same bed. More than likely, that is exactly where they are; they are having sex and whatever passes for their version of romance at each other's apartments, but they are not sleeping in the same bed. (Instead of candlelit dinners, they probably seduce each other over some weird combination of Shakespeare Sonnets, crossword puzzles, and forensic textbooks.)

I know a lot of people think they were fighting around the time of this scene. I'm not one of them. I think it's probably more a matter of Grissom being Grissom and saying things without context, because of his own internal conflict. He creates analogs with victims/suspects often enough that it's easy for me to see him self-identify with the husband, who might also be the primary suspect. Grissom knows what he wants: a " beautiful life" with Sara, but so many things could go wrong. I actually think they don't fight, and I think that's one of their problems. They both internalize their hurt and anxiety instead of letting it out.

At the moment Sara reminds him that sharing a bed is not a prerequisite for sex and romance, I think he realizes that the marriage between these two strangers has nothing to do with his relationship with Sara. He studies her for a moment and beats a hasty retreat. Does he realize she may have thought he was saying she was suffocating him? The look on her face says she does. Does he know he may have hurt her?

Of course, this being GSR, there is no follow up. We really don't see them interact again in this episode, although we do get Catherine's comment to Sara about lovers and coworkers never working out, which also may serve as a kind of sidelong foreshadowing. My guess is that with Gumdrops on the horizon that the whole Bite Me scene was supposed to make everyone go "What the hell was that about?"

I have read at least 3 different versions of the Gumdrops scenes. What is not debated is that they have sex in the hotel room, and it is implied that their affair is not new. Personally, I would never believe in a million years that these two would ever have sex for the first time in a hotel room while working a crime scene. In no universe can I see either one of them making an overt sexual advance to the other under those circumstances unless sex was already an established component of their relationship.

FWIW I have always read their relationship as very physical on multiple levels. I remember reading a review in which the reviewer did nothing but complain about the fact that these "two sexless characters" were being sold as a love story. (I think it was the LA Times, but I could be wrong.) You see, the fact that neither character is a "typical" TV romantic icon is, I think, what makes it more compelling, more real, and, yes, more romantic. Even the most socially inept among us can find someone to love and be loved in return.

While the vast majority of the world doesn't possess the intellectual capacity these two do, that same intellectuality is often a large part of their stupidity in love. They overthink, overanalyze everything. And, to a large degree, I think that is what Grissom is doing in this scene.

#csi: las vegas #csi #gsr #grissom x sara #gil grissom #sara sidle #mytext #06x03

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