#really needed someone to help me figure out HOW to pursue my dreams

[lyriumrain]

brother i cannot watch shows (fiction or reality shows) that feature people around my own age (aka early 30s). So many people have already been around the world, own their own companies, or at least have been in their jobs/pursuing their passions for 10-20 years, so they have all this experience and stories, and here i am feeling like a fucking 16 yr old cause i've never lived. I feel so stupid and childish all the goddamn time.

[ducktoo]

Syncing Dream [Aespa x M!Reader]

1. New life…as what now?

Note: primary vs secondary acc issue, repost it now to the right place. Enjoy!

It had been years since Y/n left the relentless grind of trainee life behind him. It was a chapter he thought they'd never revisit—especially not from the outside looking in.

His new life had a quieter rhythm.

No more sprinting to dance practices or losing sleep memorising lyrics. Instead, Y/n had been picking up odd jobs in the entertainment industry—small gigs, freelance work, and most recently, running errands for people still in the idol bubble. Heck, he even finished his mandatory services the moment he left his early days.

Y/n stretched, basking in a rare moment of peace as he sat in a quiet café. The iced Americano sweating in front of him was untouched, but that wasn’t a surprise.

He weren’t really there to drink coffee. More like he was trying to figure out what came next. The timeframe of unemployment is real…

Sure, there were opportunities, but nothing that screamed "this is it!"

Just as his thoughts began to drift into existential territory, their phone buzzed on the table.

"SM CEO."

Y/n’s brow furrowed. SM? What could they possibly want? He hadn't stepped foot in that building since—

No time to dwell. He swiped to answer.

"Hello, sir?"

A crisp, professional voice on the other end greeted them, and Y/n immediately recognized it—the CEO he occasionally met during their trainee days. "Y/n, it’s been a while."

Y/n nodded, as if the person on the phone could see them. "Good morning sir. What’s up?"

"Ah, nothing too stressful. I just want to ask how would you feel about rejoining the team—"

Y/n’s heart skipped a beat. "Wait, wait, wait," he interrupted, half-joking, half-anxious. "With all due respect, you’re not trying to re-sign me as a trainee, are you? I don’t think my back can handle another round of choreography."

The voice chuckled lightly. "No, no. Not as a trainee. We actually have a bit of a different proposition for you. It’s related to aespa."

"aespa?" That name hit Y/n like a sudden gust of wind.

aespa. The super rookies who had been making waves all over the industry and one of the biggest girl groups leading the 4th generation of K-pop.

And Winter… his mind went there instinctively.

While they still regularly talked to each other, he remembered he was adamant about leaving his past trainee life behind and pursue blue collar jobs. Winter was someone Y/n had trained alongside before she debuted.

Y/n felt a pang of nostalgia—mixed with a little guilt. He didn’t want to be a disappointment to his childhood friend. "what about them?"

-

“Wait, hold up… what?”

The words felt stuck in Y/n’s throat, awkwardly lodged between disbelief and mild panic. The fluorescent lights above the SM CEO’s office flickered softly, adding to the sense of surrealistic reality. Y/n’s palms felt clammy as the director continued with that calm, almost amused smile, the kind that said, "Welcome to the deep end of the pool—good luck swimming."

“You’re going to manage aespa,” the director said again, this time like he was offering Y/n a cup of coffee, not rearranging his entire life.

Y/n blinked, their mind working overtime to piece together what was just said. “Manage… as in… manage manage?” He tried to keep their voice steady, but the end of the sentence squeaked out a little too much. It didn’t help that the director just nodded, nonchalant as ever.

"Yes. You're aware we're short-staffed, and your background as a trainee means you're already familiar with how the company operates. Their current manager had to step down suddenly due to health reasons, and we need someone to step in on short notice. Someone familiar with the company’s ways and preferably, someone who’s worked with Winter before. That’s where you come in."

Y/n’s heart did a weird flip. Of all the things he had expected—maybe helping out behind the scenes, doing some coordination work—this was not it. Y/n was barely done figuring out their own path, and now he had to figure out the path for one of K-pop’s biggest girl groups?

The panic was rising, but Y/n swallowed hard, trying to keep it together. “B-but, I was just a trainee before this.. I've never took any management courses before?”

The director leaned forward slightly, folding his hands together. “Yet, that experience as a trainee means you know about the idols' health and wellbeing more than everyone else. Everything else you can definitely learn on the job.”

"B-but-"

"And we think it will be better as well considering you and Minjeong auditioned together and got in together."

Ah right, Winter and Y/n were childhood friends. Sure, managing her wouldn't be too hard considering god knows how long they hung out together, but the rest of the members? Just the thought of it made Y/n gulped.

"Don't worry, the other managers will teach you your role. Red Velvet's manager will brief you after our talk." The director stood up, signalling the end of the conversation. “Your first day starts tomorrow. Get some rest tonight.”

Leaving Y/n alone in the room, he thought "…Minjeong will have a fcking field day with this…”

-

Y/n hadn’t slept a wink. The alarm clock was practically taunting them as it beeped at 6 a.m., the early start not unusual in idol life.

If the old Y/n—back when he was a trainee—had thought the pace of idol life was fast, stepping into a manager’s shoes was like jumping onto a bullet train already at full speed. There was no time to get acclimated, no luxury of easing into the role. Y/n showed up to the SM building the very next morning, and the minute he stepped through those familiar glass doors, the whirlwind began.

"Y/n, good to see you again!" One of the staff greeted them, barely pausing for pleasantries as she handed them a clipboard. "Here’s aespa’s schedule for the next two days. Red Velvet's manager will teach you today, but from tomorrow onwards, it’s all on you."

Y/n blinked, scanning the clipboard. Music show rehearsal. Commercial shoot. Dance practice. Fan sign event. And that was just before lunch on day one. "Wow… this is… intense," he muttered under their breath.

The staff member laughed. "Welcome to the life of an idol manager. You’ll get used to it."

He wasn’t ready for this. Hell no.

Yet, somehow, at 8:45 a.m., Y/n found himself standing outside aespa’s practice room, a bundle of nerves in the pit of their stomach. Through the glass window, Y/n could see the four girls, laughing about something, stretching, and getting ready to practice, while Red Velvet's manager briefing them their schedules and began to introduce their new manager.

This was going to be weird. Y/n hadn’t been around the group since the trainee days, and even then, he had been on the outside looking in. Minjeong… oh god, Minjeong. He really didn't tell her anything about this new role, just hinting that he got a job.

"Deep breath," Y/n muttered to themselves. It was just a job. Just another day.

As he opened the door, the laughter in the room died down almost instantly. Four sets of eyes turned to Y/n, and the tension hung in the air like fog. Karina stood in the centre, arms folded, eyebrows raised slightly as if sizing up an opponent.

"So," she said, voice cool and composed, "you’re our new manager?"

Y/n nodded stiffly, offering a small wave that felt ridiculously out of place. "Uh, yeah. That’s me. Jung Y/n. Lovely to meet you all.”

Winter, who had been doing some light stretches, straightened up when she recognized Y/n. Her eyes widened in surprise, and she let out a small laugh. "Wait, Y/n?!"

Y/n tried to relax, giving Winter a sheepish smile and a peace sign. "Y-yo"

Winter’s easy laughter filled the room, lightening the mood, if only slightly. "Ya, idiot! Is this why you didn't say anything about your new job?."

"Yeah, well, I guess." Y/n shrugged. "How are you doing tho?"

"More happy now that I know that you're working with us!" Winter beamed. "This is really too funny kekekeke"

While Winter was dying in the background at the revelation, Karina’s sharp gaze hadn’t shifted. She looked Y/n up and down, her scepticism almost tangible. "No offense, but… how much experience do you have managing?"

Y/n inwardly winced but kept their face neutral. "Well, this is my first time officially managing, but I’ve trained with the company for years. I know how things work on both sides, so…"

Karina didn’t seem convinced. She didn’t say anything, but the silence spoke volumes. Ningning and Giselle exchanged glances, sensing the subtle tension in the room.

Giselle, always the bigger person, stepped in, trying to ease the awkwardness. "It’ll be fine, unnie. Y/n’s got this. I mean, he survived SM’s training system, right?"

Karina shrugged, finally breaking eye contact. "We’ll see."

-

Y/n’s phone buzzed for what felt like the thousandth time, and He resisted the urge to hurl it into the nearest trash can. "This cursed fing- I mean, object"

This is fine.

Everything is fine. Sure, his first official day as aespa’s manager had turned into a whirlwind of chaos, but Y/n had told himself he’d survive the day. It was all about staying calm.

Except, calm was nowhere to be found, and the more he tried to navigate their new responsibilities, the more everything spiralled out of control.

The morning had started deceptively smooth. He arrived at SM early, clipboard in hand, ready to tackle the day. A smile even broke out when he saw the group filing into the van, chirpy with coffee and morning energy. But, as soon as Y/n opened the daily schedule on their phone, his stomach sank.

Wrong rehearsal room.

The worst way to f*ck it up as well. Misread the number 7 for 1.

"Uh... okay, small problem," Y/n muttered to themselves before looking at the girls. "So, it turns out I booked the wrong practice room this morning."

Giselle, who was squished between Ningning and Winter in the van, looked up from her phone, raising an eyebrow. "Wait, you’re telling me we’re going to a room that doesn’t exist?"

Y/n winced. "No, it exists. It's just... not available.”

Ningning leaned forward with a smirk. "So what, we practice in the parking lot? That could be fun. Maybe film a TikTok."

"That's actually a fire idea" Y/n thought.

"Please don't give her ideas," Karina groaned from the front seat. She glanced at Y/n through the rearview mirror. "So... what’s the backup plan, manager-nim?"

Y/n felt the weight of the title more than ever in that moment. Being called "manager" was still weird, like wearing a jacket that didn’t quite fit. "Uh, we’ll use one of the smaller rooms for now, just for today. I’ll sort it out. Sorry about that, team."

"Just for today?" Giselle echoed with a teasing grin. "Good to know we’ve got a professional in charge."

Y/n sighed. This was going to be a long day.

By the time they arrived at the practice room, the energy had shifted. The smaller rehearsal space had a cozy feel, but "cozy" was just a nice way of saying cramped. The mirrors barely covered one wall, and the air-conditioning was struggling to keep up with the summer heat.

The girls, to their credit, didn’t complain much—well, except for Giselle, who Y/n could always count on for a sarcastic comment or two…and Karina who didn't need any words but Y/n knew he would be skinned alive after bed.

"Well, I guess we’re all gonna sweat out our souls in here," Giselle said as she dropped her bag onto the floor and stretched her arms above her head. "Thanks, Y/n. Really starting the day off right."

Winter shot Y/n a glance, her mouth twitching into a faint smile. "It’s fine, don’t worry. We’ve practiced in worse places."

Y/n appreciated the attempt at reassurance, but the guilt still gnawed at them. He was supposed to make things easier for aespa, not complicate their day with rookie mistakes. Even worse with him thinking his trainee days would help.

So much for better understanding of the girls.

As the group started their warm-ups, Y/n made a mental note to double-check all bookings going forward. He couldn’t afford to mess up again—not with Karina giving them those mildly skeptical looks every few minutes. It was like she was silently judging every move Y/n made.

"Great. Just what I need—her thinking I’m completely useless." Y/n sighed.

Things hit a new low when Y/n tried to connect their phone to the rehearsal room's speakers, but the Wi-Fi password wasn’t working. Panic started creeping up their spine as they stared at the screen.

Y/n wanted to hit his head into a wall right this instant.”

"Hey, Y/n, we’re ready for the playlist," Karina called out from across the room. "Are you good?"

"Yeah, uh... Just a sec." Y/n tapped the password again, slower this time, but it still didn’t connect. "What the—"

Giselle leaned against the wall, arms crossed, clearly enjoying the show. "Let me guess—you forgot the password? Or did you set it to ‘password123’ like a true professional?"

Y/n shot her a look, trying to hide the growing anxiety. "It’s the building Wi-Fi. I swear it’s not my fault."

"Sure, sure." Giselle’s grin widened. "No problem. We’ll just dance in silence. You know, like marionettes."

Winter chuckled softly, while Ningning chimed in. "Oooh, I love silent discos! We could start a trend."

While Y/n cracked a smile at Ningning's genius revelation once again, Karina sighed, crossing her arms. "Just use the Bluetooth on the portable speaker for now. We don’t have time to waste."

"Un-unnie" Winter whimpered, sensing that her leader began to get frustrated. "We don't need to rush, Y/n's just getting used to it."

"Jeong, it's ok." Y/n reassured. "Karina, good idea. I got the speaker just in case."

Y/n scrambled to connect his phone via Bluetooth, heart racing as the group exchanged amused glances. As much as he tried to take the ribbing in stride, Y/n couldn’t help but feel like every little mistake was another nail in their managerial coffin.

First the wrong room, now this…

Finally, the music blasted from the portable speaker, and Y/n sighed in relief. The girls began running through their choreography, their focus quickly shifting back to the dance routine. As the familiar beats filled the small room, Y/n retreated to the side, trying to steady their nerves with a big gulped.

By midday, Y/n was juggling three things at once: updating the afternoon’s schedule, figuring out lunch arrangements, and fielding a call from the media team about an upcoming interview. He was so deep in thought, he didn’t even notice Ningning creeping up behind them.

"Boo."

Y/n flinched, nearly dropping their phone. "Motherf- Yizhuo!"

She laughed, hands on her hips. "Relax, Y/n-oppa. You’re doing fine. We’re all still alive, and no one’s collapsed yet. I’d say that’s a win."

Y/n exhaled, rubbing their temples. "Yeah, barely."

"Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. This job isn’t easy. Plus, we’ve all made mistakes. I mean, did you know I once went to a music show wearing mismatched shoes? Like, two completely different shoes."

Y/n blinked. "Huh, seriously?"

"Yep," Ningning grinned. "And no one noticed until halfway through the performance."

"Is there a fancam of it at least?"

"Oh, there are plenty of that for you."

Y/n couldn’t help but laugh, the tension easing just a little. "Okay, maybe that makes me feel slightly better."

"Good." She clapped Y/n on the back. "You’ll get the hang of it, oppa. Just remember—you’re not the only one winging it half the time. We are too."

Before Y/n could respond, Karina’s voice interrupted them from across the room. "Y/n! Can we confirm the interview time for this afternoon?"

Y/n checked the schedule on their phone, tapping quickly before calling back, "Yeah, it’s at 2:00. I’ll make sure we’re on time."

Karina nodded, her expression unreadable as she went back to the group, but Y/n caught the faintest flicker of something that might’ve been approval.

"Okay, maybe I haven’t totally screwed up yet." Y/n did a small dance in celebration.

As the morning stretched into afternoon, Y/n found himself slowly settling into the role. Sure, it was still overwhelming, and they felt like they were constantly playing catch-up, but Giselle’s light-hearted teasing and Winter’s quiet-not-so-quiet encouragement kept them going. Even Ningning, who couldn’t resist poking fun at Y/n’s blunders, made the chaos a little more bearable.

By the time the group wrapped up their rehearsals and headed to their interview, Y/n felt a small surge of relief. They had made it through the first half of the day without any major disasters. Maybe this whole manager thing wasn’t going to be so bad after all.

As they entered the interview room, Y/n stood near the back, watching as the girls took their places on the set. Cameras clicked, lights flashed, and the media team buzzed around them. Y/n checked their phone one more time, going over the rest of the day’s schedule. Double checking always works.

Karina, standing just off camera, glanced over at Y/n with a small, almost imperceptible nod. It wasn’t much, but it felt like a step in the right direction.

-

The clock on the wall ticked past midnight, and the hallway lights cast a soft glow over the exhausted aespa members as they stumbled into the dormitory. Their faces were flushed from the intensity of the day’s rehearsals, but there was a shared sense of relief in finally being off their feet. The practice room doors creaked open, revealing the calm haven of their living quarters.

Karina immediately went into her room to get changed.

Giselle frantically searched for a protein bar in their pantry.

Ningning plopped on the couch and groaned about the schedule.

And Winter noticed Y/n immediately headed to the kitchen. Already had a smile, she knew tonight will be a feast.

During his trainee days, the kitchen had become a sort of sanctuary for Y/n, a place where the clamour of the day’s chaos could be momentarily forgotten. Tonight, the giant pans of cheesy instant ramen unveiling the moment the lid opened was a beacon of comfort. The rich aroma of sauce and steaming noodles wafted through the air, promising a moment of respite.

Of course, it got the members' attention, and their tired eyes lit up at the sight of the pans of ramen. It was a welcoming sight, and their stomachs growled in unison.

Y/n’s presence in the kitchen, with his sleeves rolled up and a focused look on their face, was a stark contrast to the frenetic energy they had witnessed throughout the day.

“Y/n, you rock,” Giselle said, her voice filled with gratitude as she took a seat at the kitchen table. “I didn’t think I’d make it through the day without something like this.”

Ningning, always enthusiastic about food, followed suit and perched herself on a nearby stool. “Seriously, we owe you one. Our kitchen doesn’t usually get this kind of late-night love.”

Winter, the resident annoyance to her childhood friend, leaned against the counter and eyed Y/n with a playful smirk. “So, did you have this bougee ramen this much when you were a trainee too when I wasn't around? Or did you just eat instant noodles and subconsciously dream about becoming our manager?”

Y/n chuckled, stirring the noodles with practiced ease. “Oh, shush you. Buldak was basically my best friend during those days. It was either ramen or cereal for dinner.”

Karina, intrigued, raised an eyebrow. “Cereal for dinner? That’s a new one. What was your go-to flavor?”

“Plain old,” Y/n admitted with a grin. “It was the closest thing I could get to comfort food. Plus, it’s surprisingly filling when you’re too tired to care about anything else.”

Winter burst into laughter, nudging Y/n playfully. “I can just picture you in your trainee days, sitting in a tiny room, eating cereal straight from the box, dreaming about making it big. Did you ever think you’d end up here with us?”

"Hell no." Y/n’s expression softened, a nostalgic glint in their eyes. “Honestly, I had my doubts. It was a tough time, but moments like these make it all worth it. I’m just glad to be here with all of you.”

As the ramen finished cooking, Y/n ladled the pan into plates and handed them out. The group gathered around the table, their laughter and chatter filling the room. It wasn’t just about the food; it was about the camaraderie, the shared experiences, and the understanding that they were all in this together.

Giselle took a generous slurped and sighed contentedly. “This is exactly what we needed. I didn’t realize how much I missed simple yet fancy comforts like this.”

Ningning, already twirling noodles around her chopsticks, nodded in agreement. “Yeah, the practice room is great and all, but there’s something about a late-night cheesy ramen session that just makes everything feel right.”

Y/n took a quick slurp as well, and he banged the table in excitement. "That's how you live the life, man!"

Winter’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “Anyway Y/n, give us some bed time story and let us hear your side of our trainee stories.”

"You don't tell them? Unless the early days wasn't unveil yet."

"Yep, and they can hear it directly from you."

Y/n laughed softly, shaking their head. “Oh, where to begin? Let’s just say my trainee days were filled with a lot of ramen, cereal, and endless hours of practice with this doof" He pointed at Winter. "There were days when I’d practice with Minjeong for so long that I’d fall asleep in the studio…. While my childhood friend here just left me and went home.”

While Ningning laughed at the last remark, Karina’s eyes widened in surprise, but regained her distance. “You’d fall asleep in the studio? That sounds rough.”

Y/n nodded, smiling at the memory. “Yeah, I’d be so exhausted that I’d just crash wherever I could. Sometimes, I’d wake up to find the other trainees laughing at me because I’d fallen asleep on the floor in some awkward position.”

Y/n sighed, thinking about those days "Also, I cooked for Jeong here like all the time. We’d spend hours in the practice room, and when the sessions were over, we’d retreat to the dorm’s kitchen. I was always the one cooking because this girl saw the recipe online and wanted me to make it.”

Winter chuckled, her eyes twinkling with mischief. "Ya, you're my eternal lab rat, Y/n. Remember that time you tried to cook a proper meal for us, and I ended up almost burning the place down?”

Y/n laughed, shaking their head. “Jeezus, don't even get me started. You were determined to help, but your idea of ‘helping’ involved a lot of questionable seasoning. It was a proper experiment gone wrong. I vomited all of that after I lost the rock-paper-scissors, and Minjeong laughed like a maniac."

Karina leaned in, clearly intrigued. It was the first time Karina took interested in the new manager today. “Wait, so Y/n was cooking for Winter all the time? What did you cook for her?"

Giselle nodded, her curiosity piqued. “Damn, girl, you got a private chef all this time?" She poked Minjeong's cheek, who was totally flustered at her statement.

Y/n smiled, lost in the memories. “Jeong and I had this routine. After a long day of training, we’d both be starving and exhausted. I’d take over the kitchen because I never trust her for….well, ever. She’d stand by, throwing whatever she found online while I tried to save whatever we had.”

Winter laughed, nodding in agreement. “Y/n was actually really good at cooking. He’d whip up something edible and often surprisingly delicious. I mostly just munch and tried not to set off the smoke alarm.”

Giselle’s eyes twinkled with amusement. “That sounds like something I’d do. Ya, remember when Ningning tried to make ramen on her own and ended up setting off the fire alarm?”

Ningning’s cheeks turned a shade of red, but she laughed along with the rest. “Hey, in my defence, I was trying to add some ‘extra’ ingredients. Let’s just say I got a little carried away with the chili flakes.”

Winter’s eyes widened in mock horror, slapping Y/n's back aggressively as she remembered something. “Oh, and Jimin-unnie's cooking experiment that ended up with the entire dorm smelling like burnt popcorn for days.”

Karina rolled her eyes but couldn’t suppress a smile. “I was trying to make popcorn, okay? It was my first attempt at cooking.”

The group burst into laughter, their earlier exhaustion momentarily forgotten. Y/n joined in, their laughter blending with the sounds of the group’s mirth. The kitchen, usually a place for quick meals and late-night snacks, had become a space for shared stories and genuine connection.

As the conversation flowed, the stories grew more personal. Karina recounted her struggles with maintaining a rigorous training schedule while trying to stay connected with her family. Ningning shared her experiences of adapting to life in Korea and the culture shock she had felt when she first arrived. Giselle talked about the pressure of being one of the older trainees and the challenges of balancing expectations with her own ambitions.

Y/n listened intently, their heart swelling with appreciation for the group’s openness. The whole day was genuinely suffocating for Y/n and he glad his cooking opened up to them. It was a moment of vulnerability and camaraderie, a chance for everyone to connect on a deeper level.

Winter leaned back in her chair, her expression thoughtful. “You know, it’s crazy to think about how far we’ve all come. Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday we were all trainees, struggling to make it through each day.”

Ningning nodded, her eyes reflecting a mix of nostalgia and determination. “Yeah, but look at us now. We’ve made it through the tough times and come out stronger.”

"Well, you four did for a while." Y/n pointed. "I just started."

"Aish, you know what I'm saying" Ningning brushed it off.

As the last of the ramen was devoured and the plates were set aside, the group settled into a comfortable silence. The kitchen, once filled with the noise of preparation and conversation, now hummed with a quiet sense of contentment. It was a moment of peace, a pause in the whirlwind of their busy lives—a small, perfect slice of normalcy in their extraordinary world.

Winter, sensing the serene atmosphere, broke the silence with a softer tone. “Thanks for doing this, Manager. It really means a lot to us.”

Y/n stared. "Ya, you're just gonna tease me and call me manager after that heartfelt dinner?"

"I'm being serious, this guy.." Winter glared. "We know that the sudden career change is rough for you. But all things considered….you aced it."

Y/n smiled at the thumbs up from everyone, even including the hard-to-approach Karina.

As the night wore on, the group slowly began to disperse to their shared room, their energy restored by the comforting presence of good food and good company. Y/n watched them go, their heart full with a sense of fulfillment. This was what it was all about—connecting, sharing, and growing together.

With the kitchen finally quiet, Y/n began to clean up, their movements slow and deliberate. The pot was washed, the plates stacked neatly, and the remnants of the meal cleared away. The kitchen, now returned to its usual state of order, seemed to hold the echoes of laughter and conversation, a testament to the bond that had been strengthened over a simple late-night snack.

As Y/n finished tidying up, he glanced at the clock and realized it was nearly 2 a.m. The day had been long, but it had ended on a high note. With a contented sigh, Y/n turned off the lights and began to head out to go home.

However, as he was heading towards the front door, a hand tugged his sleep. It was Winter.

"Hey, are you ok?" Her voice was full of concern. While she didn't say much, she knew today was tough for Y/n, especially under the eyes of her leader.

"Yea, I'm ok. What's wrong?"

"I know that Jimin-unnie has been…rough on you…but please don't hate her too much" She held on Y/n's hand, clearly whimpering and shaking from her hand. "She was just looking out for us. Things were especially tough these days even with our old manager."

"Aish, cmon I'm not that petty." Y/n wiped her tears. "Normal person would've been angry with me already considering how many times I fcked up. So Karina was already being the nicest possible she can be."

"B-but I don't want you to feel down and leave again…"

Y/n swore his heart skipped a beat after that confession. "Aish, I'll never leave you like before, Minjeong. Trust me on this."

"Really?" Winter hiccuped.

"Yes, crybaby." That made Y/n earned a kick to the shin from Winter, who cackled afterwards hearing her nickname.

[djbunnie]

reddit inspired AU DamiRae

Rachel (19) was in a relationship with her high school sweetheart, Garfield (19). They had been dating since their sophomore year, a total of five years. After graduating high school, they moved to the big city, shared an apartment, and Rachel began pursuing a degree in Finance. Fortunately, she had a scholarship, and her parents covered her tuition, but she still needed a job to cover rent, utilities, and other expenses.

Rachel paid for everything without complaint, willing to make that sacrifice for her boyfriend.Garfield, he on the other hand, was pursuing his dream of becoming a DJ and influencer. While he did some work, it consisted mainly of small jobs like dj school dances and other small events. 

Things seemed normal until Garfield decided to have a serious talk with Rachel. During their conversation, he dropped a bombshell on her.

Garfield wanted them to have an open relationship, meaning they would both be free to date other people while still being together.

The idea completely shocked Rachel. From the beginning of their relationship, Rachel had been the "loser" while Garfield was the "popular" and the "it Boy." Like any other kid in school, she had longed to be accepted and have some like Garfield by her side. Imagine her luck when she experienced a growth spurt over the summer and developed a curvaceous figure. By her second year of high school, she had transformed from "loser" to "pretty girl." Rachel underwent an incredible glow up but remained quiet and timid. Garfield noticed her newfound popularity and began dating her.

Rachel was overjoyed.

She believed they were exclusive: just the two of them, committed only to each other. That was her understanding and expectation, especially since they had moved to the big city and were living together.

When he suggested changing this fundamental aspect of their relationship, Rachel initially refused, but eventually Garfield pressured her into agreeing. 

Rachel tried to convince herself that this new arrangement was acceptable and normal, and that she was truly okay with it.

Of course, they established some ground rules:

They needed to text each other beforehand about the time and location of their dates to avoid scheduling conflicts.

They would not discuss other partners with each other.

They were not allowed to bring other partners to their apartment.

And so on.

For the first four months of this polyamorous arrangement, Rachel was unhappy. It hurt to see Garfield seeing other women, as he had dates almost every day. Feeling neglected and alone, she couldn't complain because she had agreed to the terms and didn't want to appear controlling.

After four months, she decided to go out. She went to a bar and met Damian (19). They hit it off immediately, and she told him about her open relationship with her boyfriend, asking if he was comfortable with it. Damian agreed, explaining that he had recently ended a bad long-term relationship and wanted to enjoy his youth.

After a couple of dates, Rachel and  Damian really hit it off. They were constantly calling and texting each other. Whenever Rachel was with her friends, she couldn't help but talk about Damian. Every time she said Damian's name, she smiled. Damian was always on her mind, and she looked forward to their dates.

There were times when she completely forgot about Garfield.

Rachel: "Great news! Damian is ahead of his classes. He called me last night, excited because he's on track to graduate a year early!"

Donna: "That's awesome, Rae! Any plans to celebrate?"

Rachel: "Yeah! you won't believe my luck. I was able to get a reservation at that nice Italian restaurant. Someone had to cancel their reservation last minute, and it was available the day I called."

Donna: "Nice!"

Donna: takes a sip of beer "By the way, how's Garfield doing?"

Rachel: "Who? Oh! Yeah, um... he's doing okay, I guess."

At this point, Garfield was rarely home because he was constantly out with other women. Their relationship had grown increasingly distant, to the point where Rachel saw him as nothing more than a roommate—and a freeloader since he wasn't contributing financially.

Rachel stopped planning dates and buying Garfield gifts. she ceased calling and texting him, and he didn't notice because he was preoccupied with his other relationships.

Damian and Rachel were at his place, both slightly intoxicated. Sexual tension filled the air as they made out on the couch. The atmosphere heated up, and Damian began kissing her neck. 

Rachel moaned as she grind against his crotch.

Damian: feeling cocky “bet your boyfriend doesn't make you feel this good”

Rachel: "Who?"

Damian pulled away, halting their intimacy.

Damian: "Your boyfriend...Garfield? Did you forget about him?"

Rachel: "Oh! Yeah, um... I'm sorry..."

Damian: "Rachel, is everything okay?"

Rachel wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or her trust in Damian that made her so vulnerable. she confessed everything to him: how Garfield had pressured her into an open relationship and how lonely and neglected she felt. At that moment, Rachel realized she no longer had romantic feelings for Garfield. And without intending to, she confessed her feelings for Damian.

Rachel: "Oh shit! I'm sor-"

Damian: "I love you too Beloved."

Both were shocked. Rachel was overjoyed to hear him say that. He leaned in to kiss her, but she stopped him.

Rachel: "Dami, wait!"

Rachel: "Don't get the wrong idea. I'm so happy we confirmed our feelings for each other, but I want to be in a monogamous relationship."

Damian: "Me too!"

Rachel: "Great! Before we take this further and make it official, I need to break up with Garfield first."

So no physical intimacy between Rachel and Damian... yet.

On the drive home, Rachel received a text from Garfield reminding her that he was leaving for a gig tomorrow and wouldn't be back for two weeks. Seeing this as an opportunity, Rachel decided to make her move. she acted normally until Garfield left the next morning. Rachel called her best friend, Donna, and other college friends to help her pack and move into Donna's place. After moving all her belongings, Rachel texted Garfield that they should break up, informed him that she was no longer on the lease, and sent him this month's rent money via Venmo. She told him not to contact her and blocked him on everything before starting a relationship with Damian.

When Garfield returned from the gig, he bombarded Rachel with texts, calls, voicemails, and other messages. He was distraught, begging her to reconsider and claiming that opening their relationship had been a huge mistake. He confessed that the women she had dated only wanted sex and never truly loved him. He realized that Rachal was the one who truly loved him and admitted he was foolish for letting her go. He pleaded for another chance, unaware of her relationship with Damian. (plus Rachel was paying for everything, he didn't have any money) 

The first few months were chaotic, with Garfield becoming increasingly unhinged. Fortunately, law enforcement wasn't involved, and eventually, Garfield gave up and moved on. (maybe Damian was the reason why and didn't tell Rachel about it lol) However, Garfield continued to try to contact Rachal for another chance every year, but she never responded.

Rachal graduated and began working for Wayne Enterprises Finance Department.  Damian became CEO and proposed to Rachel, she said yes. They started a beautiful life together, living in the Wayne Manor with 6 children. 🥰🥰🥰

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

Keep thinking about the Jeff and Annie dynamic so anyway here's how I think it should've been done (with the added bonus of me sprinkling in lesbian Annie Edison):

So s1 goes more or less the same it does in canon. Annie dates Vaughn, gets ready to leave with him, but becomes too scared and goes back to Greendale. And actually I think it makes sense for Jeff and Annie to kiss here. Especially on Annie's side. She's scared and nervous, she wants to be more okay with drastic changes and wants a whole new life, but isn't ready for all that so she goes back to Greendale and kisses Jeff to justify to herself why she didn't go with Vaughn. It's just kind of a thing that happens on a wim. And for the first like second Jeff kisses her back because of the whole confession that just happened with Britta, and because he is also confused about what's going on. The kiss is essentially nothing more than trying to do something they have control over in a point in both of their lives when they feel the opposite. But I think, once Jeff gets that realisation on what he's doing, he pulls away. He tries to let her down, but he does it so badly that Annie doesn't quite process it as a rejection. Because instead of talking to her, Jeff just makes some sarcastic comment and assumes that's enough.

So, over the summer, Annie convinces herself that she is in love with Jeff. When s2 starts, Annie thinks they have a real shot at a relationship and tries to pursue him. Jeff, however, doesn't like her that way, but he is still too asshole-ish to just properly have a conversation with her. So instead he goes to the trouble of doing literally everything else to stop her pursuit. He tries to get other guys to show interest in her and comes up with constant elaborate, weird plans to get Annie to be interested in someone else. At least once Jeff gets Abed and Troy to help him. Of course, everyone just tells Jeff to talk to her like a person, and it's not until his plans fail repeatedly that he finally does so. I think what would be cool for s2 as well is that, in the canon Jeff kinda views Annie as a kid and sometimes an adult, and I think in my mind he'd here start understanding that she is an adult. That she's taking care of herself fully and he needs to treat her like that. Jeff still isn't interested in her romantically, but he stops treating her like she's a little kid.

Anyway, Jeff and Annie have an actual conversation and Jeff properly let's her down. Annie is upset obviously, she's spent so much time on the idea of this one relationship. Maybe she lashes out initially to Jeff, idk. What she does end up doing is talking to Britta and Shirley, looking for advice from them. In short what Annie gets from both of them is that she doesn't need to be in a relationship no matter what anyone thinks or says. That there is more to her than who she's dating.

And then this starts an Annie development where she starts to try figure out who/what she really is. Because she has spent years of her life dreaming of the perfect relationship with a man that she doesn't fully know that much about what specifically she wants. She knows some things she likes, but what does Annie want to do in life really?

So then s3 kicks in and Annie spends her time trying to understand who she is. Maybe she joins every club at Greendale and starts trying wildly different things, even stuff that seems completely out of her comfort zone and incredibly strange in general. She finds that she likes some stuff and gains some new interests and friends. And, in this "figuring herself out" plot, Annie eventually realises that she likes women. I don't think she'd necessarily use the word "lesbian" to refer to herself yet, but she acknowledges that she has those feelings. This acknowledgement is maybe at the end of s3.

Then s4 and onwards would be her navigating this new realisation. It'd be her confiding in her friends about this, it'd be her getting a girlfriend, it'd be her learning more about queer history and finding she has a genuine interest in learning about that too. Specifically with the Jeff and Annie dynamic, Jeff would so totally try to give Annie advice on women. All of it wouldn't be good advice, but some of it would be useful and they could have that older/younger sibling dynamic with Annie trusting Jeff and asking him about all this relationship stuff, and he tries his best to be supportive.

Don't have anything specific or detailed for s5 or s6 but it honestly could just be her figuring herself out still. Maybe Annie learning that lesbian is the label that fits her best. Maybe her having her very first sapphic relationship and navigating that. The rest of the study group interacting with her girlfriend. And at the end of the show, there's still some things Annie hasn't figured out fully, but she now knows that's okay and overall she's just much happier and better

[sarahmackattack]

Hi Sarah!

I have a cephalopod question: do ceph’s ever lose their suckers, and if so are they able to grow new ones?

And a SciComm question: do you have any advice for someone who wants to grow their career in SciComm? It’s my dream career but it seems like opportunities are few and far between.

Is it “better” to pursue a degree in a specific science, or to focus more on the education/teaching side of things?

(although a huge shoutout to you and the other SciComm folks sharing your passions! I did manage to get a part-time internship and job at my local zoo in their education department, and I only had the courage to pursue those opportunities thanks to people like you! Didn’t think I’d get this far, and now I can’t wait to take it even farther; I’ve just got to figure out how to get there first!)

Do ceph’s ever lose their suckers, and if so are they able to grow new ones? I'm sure they do! The regeneration of some species has been studied but not all of them so there's likely some species that are a little better at it than others (for example, it's probably something a predator that attacks very strong fast animals needs than an animal that primarily eats bivalves).

Do you have any advice for someone who wants to grow their career in SciComm? The trouble with this is that my job is very very weird, and doesn't exist in the kind of structure where you apply for a job →you get the job → you have a stable job. It's more similar to the safety and job structure of being an artist, but with a nonprofit thrown into the mix. It's... complicated! And not necessarily stable! All that to say, how I got here is not going to work for everyone and I honestly sometimes cant believe it worked/works for me at all. It might stop working any second.

But whatever here's what I did. I practiced science communication on social media and locally in Connecticut (where I was at the time). I tried to consume a lot of science communication and consider what was working in those pieces, and thought about what I enjoyed doing within that whole huge ecosystem. There's one zillion ways to do science communication, and different approaches will hit different audiences. It's totally critical for a lot of different people to be doing science communication in a way that feels genuine to them, in their own voices, with whatever methods they like doing the most so that as a collective, we hit the broadest patch of people. No one science communication technique is perfect for every "audience" member, so the diversity of approaches is so so important. I don't think that gets said enough. So explore! See what you like, see what you get joy out of doing, see how people react to it. Producing science communication as you're practicing will build out a portfolio of work that you can point to when you graduate.

There are a lot of kinds of science communication jobs. There's the freelance/DIY approach like having a podcast like Alie Ward, or founding a nonprofit (this is very hard and i don't recommend doing this lol), or having a successful youtube channel/social media situation like Hank Green or doing TV like Emily Calandrelli/Bill Nye/Phil Torres. Then there's working for an existing science education nonprofit like Biobus or Science Friday or working for institutions like museums/zoos/aquaria, etc. Theres also a whole field in the university system called "extension" where you're taking the work happening at the university and connecting the surrounding population with that work. Each of those jobs, particularly the older institution-based ones have their own structures and will come with different advice on how to get into those jobs. I'm not really sure about those. Having that science communication portfolio will likely help for all of them though!

As far as what to do for school... I think the true but kinda complicated answer is that often what we do for school isn't directly related to what we end up doing. The skills we build while we're in school, and the connections we make are really what determines where we end up and what we end up doing. So... really take seriously the stuff you're doing that nobody's telling you to do. That's as important as class... and honestly, in my personal experience, it's way more important than what you do in class.

[kindaorangey]

half blank, half apocalyptic [armand playlist]

half blank

i'm your man (mitski)

this song is like. a thesis statement of sorts for the playlist. every line is armand. but here's the key stuff:

"i can feel it gettin' near/like flashlights comin' down the way/one day you'll figure me out/i'll meet judgement by the hounds"

i find it interesting that armand let daniel interview louis a second time, even though he had so much to hide. on the one hand, he believes himself powerful enough to retain control of the situation; on the other hand, there's only so much he's willing to do to make sure louis stays - louis is suspicious of armand before the story begins and armand knows this, thinks daniel will help put those suspicions to rest if he can make it through the interview without being found out. far from exerting complete control over louis all the time, armand pulls the strings from time to time from the cover of shadow. so, by letting daniel come for the interview, he inadvertently bring about the unravelling of his lies.

"people always gave me love/others were never to blame after all"

there's a tendency among trauma survivors to swing from understanding themselves as a victim to viewing themselves as solely at fault for the damage done to them, and as evil. of course, these extremes are both kind of true for armand - he is a victim, and he is kind of evil and responsible for his own suffering. but the pendulum swing is what i'm talking about here - in the wake of his lies being revealed and louis leaving him, that sense of guilt bleeds into everything he might otherwise see himself as innocent for. this is my fault, therefore all of it has always been my fault.

geyser (mitski)

"you're the one i want/and i have turned down/every hand that had beckoned me to come"

rewatching s2 it's crazy to me how much armand throws himself at louis in paris, how quickly he's ready to let his coven turn on him just so he can chase after his manic pixie dream boy

"i will be the one you need/i just can't be without you"

as much as armand molds louis into someone who would want to be with him by lying to and gaslighting him, he also molds himself into someone louis would want to be with. he plays the victim, he's subservient to louis, he lets louis sleep with hundreds of other men even though he's clearly not thrilled about the situation. and i think he enjoys playing this role, but a lot of it is not good for him. louis makes a mess, armand cleans it up.

off to the races (lana del rey)

THIS ONE'S ABOUT MARIUS!!!! DON'T COME FOR ME!!!!!! listen i feel so self-conscious putting a song that is so quintessentially modern LA on a playlist about a 500-year-old vampire. but there really isn't anyone that captures the concept of this song better than ms. lana del rey.

"my old man is a bad man, but/i can't deny the way he holds my hand/and he grabs me, he has me by my heart"

"he knows me/every inch of my tar-black soul"

"light of your life, fire of your loins/tell me you own me"

"i'm not afraid to say that i'd die without him/who else is gonna put up with me this way?"

the power imbalance, the slight awareness that this relationship is unhealthy, but committing wholeheartedly to it because you sincerely believe there's nothing better you deserve, and nobody else would treat you better. it's armand and marius.

me and my husband (mitski)

"i steal a few breaths from the world for a minute/and then i'll be nothing forever"

anyone else constantly thinking about lestat calling armand "nothing"?

"i bet all i have on that furrowed brow/and at least in this lifetime, we're sticking together"

again, a big part of armand was willing to throw away his coven of 300 years to be with louis. he just latches on to louis as his thing to pursue and reason to live.

to be alone (hozier)

sexual trauma song woo

half apocalyptic

the kiss (the cure)

"kiss me, kiss me, kiss me/your tongue is like poison/so swollen it fills up my mouth/just, just love me, love me, love me/you nail me to the floor/and push my guts all inside out

just get it out, get it out, get it out/get your fucking voice/out of my head

i never wanted this/i never wanted any of this/i wish you were dead"

armand tends to seek out relationships that remind him of his relationship with marius - which is to say, one where he concedes control to the other person, and toxicity feels familiar to him. he simultaneously craves this dynamic and, naturally, resents it, because it's unhealthy for him. and in 2×05, i think we see hints of him conceding control to louis as a way to punish himself for what he did in paris.

f major (hania rani)

plucked straight from assad zaman's armand playlist! it's dark, it's elegant, it just has a really beautiful ominous vibe

tuck (yves tumor, NAKED)

mostly vibes tbh. it's unsettling to listen to, and i put it on here because it's unsettling to listen to. but here are the relevant lyrics anyways:

"tears on steel for you/you, you, you/piercing skin for you/you, you, you/scars in my heart for you/you, you, you/i fell off this world for you/you, you, you"

"tie me up/looking down/black mass ready/tie me now"

"have someone else's will as your own/mercy of the master you've never known"

it will come back (hozier)

this one's full gremlin.

[moonstruckme]

Oh babe I read your post about graduation and life after. I FEEL YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!! I’m graduating Friday and I pursued a film degree in a city with little to no opportunities for that industry. Don’t know why I did that. Sorry to my parents who sacrificed a lot to put me through school. Moving to a bigger city is not an option bc I can’t afford it. Might be moving back in with my parents might not be. Everyone is asking whats next for me. Girl idk. I’m stressed I’m anxious. I hate it here. The real world sucks and I just want to skip over all this character building stuff and get to the part of my life where I’m happy with a career and can actually afford groceries. Sometimes I wish my dreams weren’t as big.

Hi gorgeous! First of all, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I promise your degree has value whether you feel like you can get a job out of it right away or not, and I won't pretend to know how your parents feel but I doubt they would have sacrified anything if they didn't feel your education was worthwhile. Graduating from college is a big deal nonetheless ! We both know I'm struggling with this too but I have some pieces of advice that have been given to me and I've found helpful if you want them <3

Obviously, "almost no one works in something related to their degree" is a really disheartening thing to hear, and I bet you've been hearing it (like I have) a lot lately. But what I think the people who say that are trying to convey is that there is no shame in just doing a job that makes some money (and preferably also makes you happy), and sometimes that financial security can help you pursue your dreams with a bit more surety since you're no longer trying to find a way to eat at the same time.

A few months ago, I talked to my mom about how guilty I feel about potentially not being able to get a job relevant to my degree after she helped put me through college, and while I know not all parents feel the same way about this, I think she made some great points. She said that college is about learning how to think, and your education and the experiences you've had in college will always be valuable no matter what job you end up with. And did you have a good time? Did you like learning all those things you did about film? Did you meet some cool friends, or get to talk about your interests with people who get it? If so, none of it was wasted.

It's so, so easy to feel pressure from others when you're trying to figure out your life post-grad, but in my experience most of that pressure is really internal. People ask what's next for you because they're interested, not becuase they have any one specific path in mind, and the vast majority of the time if you seem happy, they're happy. If you're not happy, fuck it! Then your priority should probably be getting to a place where you are happy, and those conversations really don't matter when you've got bigger fish to fry.

Last thing, but as someone also struggling to re-orient herself in her life plan, I've been taking a lot of time to figure out my priorities. I kind of got stuck in this idea of what my life was going to be, and once that seemed less certain I started questioning what I wanted if I didn't have to do that. I'm making a pinterest board (always my first course of action haha), and it's helped me figure out that whatever I do, I want to be around nature and books, and to live in a mid-size city. Figuring out what I need to be happy has really put things into perspective for me, and I'm sorry I don't mean to assume we're in the exact same mental state but I just want to give you all the stuff that's been working for me in case any of it fits into your situation too.

You can still use your passion in film while working another job, or use that job to save to move to a larger city, or maybe even reflect and find that you're content keeping the film thing as a hobby and there's something else you enjoy doing for a career (I know how heartbreaking that can sound when you love something, but that's how writing has turned out for me so I just wanted to put it out there--feel free to reject it of course). For me, trying to open my mind to all the possibilities and re-evaluate what I want from the next few years has been super scary but also kind of exciting, and I hope that whatever happens for you you're able to find happiness in the big and little things. Wishing you all the best my love!

[femmefatalevibe]

I’m feeling kind of trapped in my relationship. I’ve been with this guy pretty much all my uni years, we live together and I’m about to graduate. I feel bad for feeling this way because I love him and he is so supportive and loving towards me… but I keep finding myself wishing I was single and wishing I could meet new people. I think it’s partly because my friends have graduated and moved away from the city. And this isn’t just my first relationship it’s my first time living with someone and we don’t have a lot of space for us both. Maybe the feeling is amplified because I’m a student with not job so I don’t know where I’d go or how I’d live without him because I’m not financially independent yet, not really. I just feel like I want to be free and independent .. at the same time he has been so important for me idk. I haven’t told anyone this before :/

Hi love! Graduating from uni is such a transitional time, so it makes a world of sense that you're feeling this way, especially having a partner nearly the entire time, which I can only imagine has become part of your identity to some extent over these formative years. Thank you for trusting me with this information! Your feelings are so valid. I can only imagine feeling trapped in this situation when you don't have a job yet to give you the financial support you need to feel some control/independence over your life. Here's my main advice:

Focus on yourself. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to leave the relationship, but it seems from what you're telling me that you don't feel as though you have an identity that isn't in some way related to or tethered to this relationship. Take some time to focus on YOUR needs and expectations from this relationship and the pros/cons of staying with this guy vs. being single to find yourself. Ask yourself:

Why do I want to continue this relationship? How does the support from my partner brighten my day and encourage me to pursue my goals/dreams?

Do I feel stagnant as a person or like I'm in a dead-end relationship? Consider how you're using "I" statements when describing your feelings in the relationships to determine this crucial information.

Regardless of whether you choose to stay partnered or step into singlehood, it is essential that you embark on a self-discovery journey to begin figuring out who you are, your goals, hobbies, desires, etc. independent of a partner or anyone else. I'm sharing a few resource guides below to get you started.

Tips For Self-Discovery & Mastering Personal Branding

How To Build Your Personal Brand & Self Concept

How To Cultivate Self-Love & Boost Self-Esteem

How To Embody Queen Energy

Empowering Affirmations To Unleash Your Dark Feminine Energy

How To Discover & Build Your Dream Career

Hope this helps xx

[imariejoyce]

Your lessons made me my best self...

an open letter I made few years ago, to the one that got away...

Dear YOU,

As I sit down to write this letter, I find myself reflecting on our time together with a sense of peace and gratitude. You were the one that got away, but contrary to what many might expect, I don't really have any regrets. Instead, I feel a deep appreciation for the role you played in my life and the lessons you taught me.

I still clearly remember how we used to make plans for our future, working around the time difference to stay in touch and connected. After we broke up, I frequently thought about what might have been if we hadn't abandoned those dreams and plans. We crossed paths when I was still figuring out who I was and what I truly wanted from life. In many aspects, you represented both my strengths and weaknesses. You challenged me, encouraged my growth, and made me see the potential within me that I hadn't recognized before. Our relationship was not without its struggles, but it was within those struggles that I found the most valuable lessons. I learned about patience, compromise, and the importance of communication, especially since our relationship was long-distance.

When our paths eventually parted, I won’t lie—it was incredibly difficult. It took some time for me to move on, and each morning when I wake up, it felt like there were bricks on my chest; I could hardly breathe. Time seemed to move so slow, and all I could think about was why it happened despite all the effort I put into making it work. But then, one day, the pain faded. I began to see our separation not as a loss, but as a necessary step in my life. Our time together became a turning point for my personal growth, motivating me to strive for a better version of myself, to become the person I always had the potential to be. For that, I am deeply thankful to you.

Looking back now, I can honestly say I'm grateful for everything we went through. You were an important chapter in my life, one that greatly influenced the person I am today. My world used to revolve around you. I believed I was a strong, independent woman because I thought you'd always be proud of me and never leave if I kept proving myself. I don't regret it, though, as it pushed me to achieve a lot in life. While it wasn't the healthiest motivation to strive just to please you, I'm still thankful for the experience. But as that chapter ended, a new one began. In this new chapter, I've discovered a new version of myself, someone who realized that I never needed to please anyone to feel worthy. I now know that I can be my best without chasing after someone’s approval; instead, I should pursue my dreams for myself. Through this phase, I've learned that by doing so, I’ll attract the right people and the right energy into my life. I discovered my own resilience and realized that love is not just about finding someone who completes you but about finding someone who complements you—someone who helps you become a better version of yourself.

I slowly opened my mind and let my guard down, allowing others to know me better while also gaining a deeper understanding of myself. Because of the lessons I learned from our time together, I can now say that I am wiser and have a clearer sense of what I truly want in life. So, to you, the one that got away, I want to say thank you. Thank you for the lessons, the memories, and the motivation to keep growing. I wish you nothing but happiness and fulfillment in your life. Our paths may have separated, but the impact you had on my life will always remain.

Sincerely, ME

[moonlight-sonata99]

Angel Baby

Echo x Jedi!Reader

Songfic

Go listen to the song....RIGHT NOW

Warnings: episode 8 spoilers! Mutual pining, angst?? read at your own risk luvs :-; O66 mentions,weapons.

A/n: we crying in the club- anyways couldn't get this song out of my head while thinking about this so..why not. there will be part 2. bt i want to see how he will come back so its gonna be a while TT

“ I need a lover to keep me sane”

“Echo?” a  voice calls out to the man as he had his back turned in thought, [Name] walked closer to him clearing their throat and fidgeting with their fingers, 

“Echo..?” they whisper again,Echo who now heard the person behind him looked back. 

“[Name]?what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with omega?” frantically he looked around as you slowly nodded.

“Omegas with hunter so its fine” [Name] nodded slowly and sitting down in the pilot seat next to him,

“Is it the dreams again..?” echo asked glancing at [Name] who lifted their knees up to their chest and kept their gaze to the floor.

“Yea..i had them last night id-” 

“There's no need to explain yourself, i-” He stopped himself “I know how it feels like, having those type of dreams, “ Echo explained, [name] softly smiling,shifting their gaze to echo.

“Thanks…” 

“Pull me from hell, bring me back again

Play me the classics

Something romantic

Give him my all when I don't even have it”

I always dreamed of a solemn face

Someone who feels like a holiday

“You must be ridiculous, obi-wan?with Duchess Satine? Anakin, you truly always surprise me.” {Name} scoffed as they walked amongst the velvet hallway as the jedi in back of them pursued.

“[Name] I know you out of all people would love to tease obi-wan about this.” Anakin admitted behind them as he grinned.

they] stopped and slowly turned their head to the man. 

“Perhaps…” they said turning their back to Anakin and slowly began to walk.

Anakin kept his gaze on the person in front of him, as he made his way to them again.

“Your usually quiet today…” he trailed off as you let out a sigh. 

“I just-” 

“Do you like obi-wan??” anakin blurted out, wide eyed [Name] turned quickly

“NO!” {Name] covered their mouth and coughed. “No, it's not like that!” they hissed at him.

“Then..?” anakin asked, looking at you, [name] sighed and looked around. And lifted their hand to their mouth and whispered.

“Do you remember Master Orion? I heard she got stripped of her rank because she loved another” [Name] whispered looking around as anakin looked at them. 

“So?”  anakin asked, shaking his head. 

“If obi wan wi-”

“Is it really so bad? To love another person??” anakin asked again with frustration in his voice. he huffed turned and walked away, as [Name] stood there wide eyed

‘Was it…so bad..?’

‘Falling in love..?’

“But now I'm in pieces

Barely believing

Starting to think that I've lost all feeling

You came out the blue on a rainy night

No lie”

“DONT COME NEAR ME!” The hooded figure screamed flailing the weapon around as the group dropped there blasters,

“We're not gonna hurt you!” Omega reassured, clearly worried for the individual in front of her.

“Omega!be careful!” Hunter warned with his hands in the air to show that he had no weapon.

“Y-your clones…” the figure mumbled the weapon still in their hands, “Why aren't you shooting at me..?”

“We have no reason to shoot you,we're not like the other clones.” Echo stated, inching closer to the figure.

“T..they killed all of my friends…my family…” they mumbled shaking their head tears following down their cheeks 

Omegas eyes softened 

“We have to help her…” she whispered as hunter looked back at the small girl.

“I-im so…” the figure trailed off softly before collapsing to the ground and dropping their weapon.

“Are they okay?!” omega exclaimed running towards the figure. 

“They are alright, They seem to be fatigued.” tech states adjusting his goggles looking at the figure.

“They also appear to be carrying a lightsaber.” he adds looking at the lightsaber that now rolled on the ground.

“A jedi…?” wrecker asked picking up the lightsaber.

I'll tell you how I almost died

While you're bringing me back to life

Echo sat across from [name] as he listened intently to their story,

“Then..when I returned it felt odd, there was something…so wrong in the force..” [Name] explained holding their palm to their temple as they looked to the floor. Echo nodded softly, his gaze still on [name].

“Then my team started shooting at me” they croaked out. “I was so scared..” 

Echo looked down, laying his elbows on his knees. Deciphering what to say.

Sniffling you look up,

“You dont need to say anything..it just..”

“Feels good to finally let it out?” echo added as [Name] smiled

“Yea..”

“I just wanna live in this moment forever

'Cause I'm afraid that living couldn't get any better

Started giving up on the word "forever"

Until you gave up heaven, so we could be together”

“You're not going with them?” echo asked [Name] made their way back into the marauder and turned their gaze to him.

“No, i..” name trailed off avoiding echo as their heart began to race.and they rubbed their arms

“I guess i- grew attached” they chuckled, smiling sheepishly. 

“I'm going to stay, if you guys would let me!” 

“Of c-”

“Of course!!!” omega chimes in the front of the ship,

“Omega...” echo scolds

“Sorry,sorry...”

.” You're my angel

Angel baby, angel

You're my angel, baby

Baby, you're my angel

Angel baby

All the sick and twisted nights that I've been waiting for ya

They were worth it all along, yeah”

“So…your telling me…that you face planted into the water?” {Name] repeated as echo looked away taking a sip from his drink as [name] held in their breath.

“Dont.laugh.” he warned as name shook their head.

“Im not-!” they coughed and placed a hand in front of their mouth. “I'm not, I promise!” they blurted out as echo turned his gaze to them with a “don't do this’ expression.

“Echo- PFFT” name bursts out laughing as echo sighs with a smile and looks away.

“Omm sorry-” [name] mumbles covering their mouth coughing, they settle down and place their palm against the countertop.

“Okay okay..so- im sorry i can't!!” they laugh as echo lets out a small chuckle.

Just a little one.

“You're my angel

Angel baby, angel

You're my angel, baby

Baby, you're my angel

Angel baby”

{Name] watches as omega whose teary eyed make her way onto the ship, they sigh and turn to echo.

“So..this is it?” they mumble out as echo looks at them.

“For now.” echo replies as {Name} looks away a warm sensation starting to pool in their chest.

“Any idea of when you’ll come back at least…?” [name] ask and echo shakes his head.

‘Hm…” they hum as they stand crossing their arms and looking down at the floor. Their chest is heavy, and their vision becomes blurry.

“Hey,we went over this…I'-.” echo states placing a hand on [names] shoulder as name nods.

“I know,i know... i just…” [name] sighs shaking their head. “This is where you're needed, I understand…” they whisper. Echo gives them a small smile,

[Name] hand reaches for echos and holds it,

“Until then, dont die!” {Name} warns letting go his hand and turning to rex 

“Take him care of him for us” they say as Rex nods.

“You have my word General”  he states, Nodding you turn back to echo.

“Well i..can't keep the squad waiting..i’ll take care of them. So don't worry your head off” they tease as echo chuckles.

“We’ll see eachother again.” echo states, {Name] smiles tears threatening to fall. They turn around and begin to walk back to the ship, as they climb back on the marauder, glance behind them to meet echos gaze again and give a small nod. Before making their way in as the door closes behind them.

Angel

Angel baby,

 angel (you're my angel, baby)

You're my angel,

 baby (you're my angel, baby)

Baby, you're my angel

Angel baby

[shining-gem34]

Overdue 2.2 Main Story Quest Commentary. I won't go into FULL details cause I'll lose my mind trying to remember it all. Anything I do forget that I want to note, I'll add it later.

HSR Spoilers Undercut

6-8 hours long, that was a CHONKY quest because wtf???? Overall, I fucking loved the pace of the story and the dynamics between characters we have.

The Three Nameless- That was the Astral Express original goal for arriving in Penacony. ;w; It turns out the three were trying their best to help Penacony when it started to show signs of instability and The Family attempting to revive a Ena for "perfect world". I knew!!! Misha was related to the Watchmaker or is the Watchmaker successor, and he didn't know it yet that's why Gallagher is looking after him.

I didn't expect to get kicked in the balls and beaten black and blue finding out Misha is THE Watchmaker himself. ;w; How many years did Mikhail fight for Penacony after leaving the Express? How many years did he wait for the Nameless to appear? How many years did Misha wait???

I just love that we got more Astral Express lore; that even if their journey ends, another will pick up where they left off and continue to blaze their path throughout the universe.

Misha, now that his journey has ended, can finally rest and may his spirit forever be with the Astral Express. ;w;

Boothill and Dan Heng dynamics- I figured they would get along or at least enough to accomplish their goals after the first meeting aka confrontation at gunpoint. NGL, I did expect for them to like fight fight in the Astral Express while Pom-Pom hides. ;w; They were surprisingly a funny duo where Dan Heng is seemingly reserved in his methods (and using brute force as a last measure- *stares at all the times Dan Heng has been violent*) and Boothill has more "aggressive" (street smart) ways to get things done. It's kind of like a good cop and bad cop situation. In general, Boothill is very observant as he noted Dan Heng is obviously worried about his companions but I'll go over my general opinion of Boothill in another post. owo

Regarding Robin and Sunday, because this main story quest really REALLY reminded me The Family is indeed a cult. I was very immersed by Robin and Sunday ideologies using the bird analogy. Robin, who believed the bird should be free to spread their wings while Sunday thinks it's better to take care of the bird inside a cage so they never get hurt. They contradict each other, but they clearly care each other ALOT as they only had each other since their parents died.

We've seen Robin struggles as a cosmic idol, and as we heard in Sunday flashback the dangers she faced too, but it never stopped her in pursuing her dream. She loves singing, and she wanted to spread Harmony throughout the universe (like a missionary). Then we see Sunday, who remained in Penacony, his struggles.

Considering the Family is a cult and a Stellaron does exist, but more on The Family (The DreamMaster) influence on Sunday growing up. The Family ideology, their goals, and Sunday experience that solidify his ideals are correct. People are better happy in a sweet dream where there's no pain or suffering; no different than a cage.

Strangely enough, I can't bring myself to hate Sunday for that, even when he betrayed Robin during the interrogation. ;w; It's more like WHYYY SUNDAY- JUST WHHYYYY I JUST WANT TO PUNCH YOU (affectionately). I just understand Sunday motivations did not come from malice, but he genuinely wanted to help people in his own way like Robin is doing. However, even though his reasoning sounds right, there is just something off about it entirely.

Sunday idea is basically yes, they're safe and happy in an eternal dream. But is it really what people want in the end? To stay in a dream forever where there's nothing to give them growth as a person and they'll stagnant?

There's also the issue, that FireFly pointed out, that someone still needs to remain awake while the entire universe dreams. In the end, it is not paradise but an escape from reality.

Robin ideals is the opposite, because she thinks about what people truly want. Yes, it is good that Penacony dreams do help people find temporary relief. But that's all it is: Temporary. They cannot escape the reality of their problems forever. Yet that is what makes staying in a dream so tempting, right? Because you don't have to face your problems.

That's why, during the escape from the dream portion, it was important that the people want to wake up on their own terms and not have the party do it for them. I believe the inspiration of giving people strength, the courage to face life [reality], is what Robin songs do.

For me, the Sunday vs. Robin + Astral Express Crew is like a battle of whose ideals are stronger.

SPEAKING OF WHICH???

Dude. DudeDudeDude???

This was my face the entire time the boss fight was happening.

The first round with the boss right where Dan Heng and Jing Yuan showed up together to kick ass and take names? Still my favorite cutscene, but I did FEEL something off about the entire segment after that.

Like, wasn't it too early to use the Jade of Abacus? Isn't Jing Yuan too involved in this process? Wasn't it too excessive of a force for Dan Heng to call the Xianzhou??? (Will go into details about Dan Heng decision in another post including his overall involvement in Penacony now).

Then with the IPC explaining what will happen with the Family and then Black Swan and Boothill temporarily joining the Astral Express.

It felt like everything is too good to be true. There were too many loose ends (Robin, Acheron, etc.) that hasn't been explained.

Then Black Swan enters our dream(??). She helped us figure out the anomaly in our memories. She helped push us to think and think what was wrong, because this sweet dream is too good to be real. And then, we woke up. Not the reality, but the reality of the bleak situation we're in thanks to Black Swan + Acheron (and Acheron credits it to Firefly).

ALSO BOOTHILL AND DAN HENG HAVING ENOUGH STRONG WILL TO BREAK THROUGH AND JOIN US AAAAA. ALSO DAN HENG STOP SUGGESTING THE JADE ABACUS, EVEN BOOTHILL IS JUST TIRED OF IT.

It's pretty interesting to think about Acheron as like a guard to the land of the dead. She's an Emanator of Nihility, and has enough power to decimate Penacony dream world. OwO ALSO THE SCENE WITH ACHERON TALKING TO TIERNAN, one of the other Nameless who disappeared. ;w; Man, it do be feeling like the Nameless has connected everyone from different parts of the universe to a singular moment...

The cutscenes of Acheron cutting the dream is beautiful. AND THE KIANA AND MEI REFERENCE IN HI3 WHERE SHE GRABS TRAILBLAZER HAND AAA. AND BOOTHILL SUMMONING THE OTHER GALAXY RANGERS, and they really did come. Really hope we might get to see one of them before we leave for Penacony but highly doubt it'll happen anytime soon.

AND THEN BACK TO THE BOSS FIGHT. Like the Trailblazer woke up, the entire Astral Express crew is waking up- I saw Dan Heng hand on Himeko, helping her shrug off the sleepiness and March 7th is just waking up too! And it looks like Welt was already awake by the time.

;w; The Boss Battle though with Robin appearing to help us all with her power and clash against Sunday music. AND WE CAN SUMMON A TRAIN AS OUR SUPPORT. I do love everytime we summon the train, there is like different quotes starting from Welt, Himeko, Dan Heng, and March 7th. 3: Unfortuantely I don't know if we get to hear Trailblazer or PomPom quotes either (since this is only story mode). But it was super neat!

AT THE END WHERE ROBIN IS HUGGING SUNDAY as if to say "I got you" and "You're not alone anymore in this", and Sunday accepting her hug. ;w; They still care and love each other deeply to want to help each other still. The siblings are making me chiken tendy.

Also I was like very blue-balled at the end with the cliffhanger of Boothill threatening Aventurine for Oswaldo cause: AVENTURINE WOKE UP AND IS SAFE AND SOUND. NOw I just wonder what the heck did he see after we last saw him at the end of 2.1.

Bonus:

-I very much enjoy seeing Firefly with us again for a short-time. She really got along with the AE crew for a while. NGL, I can probably see her as a Nameless in the future. But also, Firefly clearly has her own goals and reasons to join Destiny Slave. She's not leaving the Stellaron Hunters so easily. I just hope nothing happens to her considering her script said she will experience "Three Deaths" in Penacony. We saw one already. ;w;

-The fucking Death Meme is actually just a overgrown puppy helping people get into uhhh...Dream Reefs (will correct spelling later). They still are terrifying tho ngl.

-Blade and Firefly exchange scene during the Jepello incident. ;w; They're very alike in a way that they're looking for a place to die. Also the small banter between them in the car, and Blade having a drivers license isn't a surprise. BUT ALSO MY MAN IN A SUIT AAAAAAA

-Gallagher fate; I know the "Gallagher" we met is just a fictional character created by the Fictionalist(?) in the dream. But it seemed like he and Mikhail are very close friends. ;w; I wonder what the real Gallagher is like...

-The moment where Xipe eyes opened and THEIR gaze landed on the Trailblazer is like amazing. THEY basically said "fuck you haha" to Sunday and The Family following Ena. LMFAO. But also rather meaningful since the AE and Firefly (and others) are united to fight back what they believe is wrong.

Phew I think that's it for now. Holy moly this turned out so long. ;w;

[subuwu-dyke]

wait i wanna hear your chuck opinions/headcanons

YES oh my god. Yes. Okay. So if you have the kind of ingrained deep memory of this show that I have you'll know how often Chuck is perceived as feminine in the show, and while it *could* come across as your everyday average homophobic/transmisogynistic patriarchal insults geared towards "less masculine" men, and was almost definitely written with that intention, to me there's a genuine-ness that is really hard to ignore when characters mention his "delicate features" and constantly remind him to literally "butch it up" like Morgan tells him during that car bomb episode. Chuck isn't ever offended by these remarks, he doesn't feel the need to change his behaviors, even when he has crises of identity in a sense he's really only trying to become more *heroic* or *courageous* and his biggest role model as well as romantic interest is Sarah. Sarah is a clear trans narrative to me, with the fact that we never find out her birth name, she's used many names in the past, her childhood and teenagehood are things she's desperate to keep to herself, etc. I read her character as someone who views herself almost from a third person perspective, she doesn't want to allow herself a sense of identity or interiority because she is simply a weapon. Chuck is the first person to really draw a sense of desire and hope and selfishness out of her - she wants something for herself, for once. Even her desperate longing pipe dream for the life of an ordinary woman feels like a trans narrative to me. I understand her character as transitioning really early, and she in hindsight understands it as a way of helping out in her dad's cons - after all, a cute little blonde girl getting hit by a car evokes instant sympathy from bystanders. Really I think her dad was just really accepting and didn't mind her presenting however she wanted, she just has a hard time in the present understanding herself as ever having truly pursued something for herself and having a genuine sense of self at all. As a teen, she was "recruited" (blackmailed) into the CIA and her entire life, presentation, everything is controlled by a separate entity and I feel like she has a hard time acknowledging any kind of trans identity for herself. In the show, she's always as envious of Chuck as he is of her - while Sarah is a highly skilled highly competent heroic figure for Chuck, Chuck represents everything for Sarah that she wants for herself such as honesty, a sense of self, family connections, relationships of any and all kinds bound by mutual trust. Chuck I think starts to think of herself as a trans woman sometime shortly before the show starts, but she doesn't come out until around season 2. Her coming out radically alters Sarah's understanding of herself, and she only becomes more envious and admiring of Chuck, wishing that she could assume a trans identity for herself as well but not feeling like she deserves that much autonomy. Chuck doesn't know Sarah is also a trans woman until sometime around early season 3, since Sarah is not only protective of her past and personal information but has a hard time identifying herself with transness because of how much she admires it and wants it for herself, despite the fact that she's been socially transitioned since she was around 6 and has been on hrt for years. I think Ellie is accepting when Chuck comes out but a little confused and nervous about the whole thing and tries a little too hard, causing some problems between them. Devon is just like that's awesome!

Morgan is a trans guy but he's super annoying so nobody cares 😑

[ipsen]

Blank Canvas 16

Read on AO3. Words: 6645 Summary: The dinner party is held. Chapter 15 Chapter 17 Master Post

“This is a surprise, Kaiko. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Priest, my old friend. How’s the cage treating you?”

“There seems to be a shortage of books of late, but I can’t complain otherwise.”

“I’ll see what I can do, then… Either way, I’m here because of Kuzen’s kid. She’s been visiting you again, yeah?”

“Assuming she was, how would she get in? This is a Cochlea cell, not a hotel bedroom.”

“There are always cracks that a worm can struggle through. What does she want?”

“There’s really nothing to say. I’ve had no visitors of late besides my thoughts, my dreams, and my everlasting hatred for our mutual colleague.”

“Dreams, huh? Like seeing your son, maybe?”

“…”

“C’mon, Donato, we’re pals. Old pals, too.”

“… Hm hm hm, so we are. While I have you here— I’ve been quite curious— how has my replacement been? Is Saeki everything to your liking?”

“Torso’s been fine. Bit of an ungrateful bastard, though; been asking for more targets. And when he flounders, he’s way sloppier than you were. But we make do.”

“That’s no surprise; Kuzen’s eye for skill has always been… skewed.”

“Yeah, yeah. Look, I’ve got places to be, so can you answer my question about his kid so I can go?”

“I didn’t realize your time meant so much to me, Kaiko. Why are you pursuing her now? I wasn’t under the impression she was a threat to our— mostly your— bosses’ little schemes.”

“Listen here, you— Fine. Fine. She’s got connections to the Scarecrow. Kijima’s crew sniffed it out. Not much, but it’s dangerous.”

“My, my, the elusive information smuggler… And that’s a problem?”

“A big one. If a controversial figure like her releases even more controversial information, it could be catastrophic! Donato, the whole thing could explode in our faces!”

“Mm, yes, that sounds terrible… But why not stop the flow at its source? The Scarecrow, as I understand it, has been a thorn in your side for the past three or so years… Kill the white rabbit, and Alice becomes lost, no?”

“Donato, the Scarecrow doesn’t have any influence himself. His true identity, whatever it is, is a nobody. So to achieve his mystery goal, he needs to ride the coattails of bigger names.”

“Ah… You’re shrinking the cage until he has nowhere left to run. Amusing.”

“Sure. ‘Course, the bosses aren’t the brightest bulbs in the room, so it’s up to my branch to figure things out and settle this quietly. After Nimura’s colossal blunder with Tsuneyoshi and Yoshitoki— perfect waste of a good mind, too— we gotta get back into their good graces.”

“Yes, Souta is sorely missed, as Roma never tires of telling me.”

“So… you’ll help me?”

“You believe I hold the information you want?”

“For the love of— Look, Priest, do you wanna see your son or not? I’d rather not resort to usin’… heavier means on Kuzen’s little girl, but I will if it means keepin’ my fuckin’ job.”

“… Very well. She was with someone last time.”

“Alright, now we’re getting somewhere! Who was it? What’d they look like? Why was—”

“Patience, Kaiko. His name was—”

———

“Haise,” Sen got his attention, “You alright?”

“Hm? Oh, uh, yeah, I’m okay.” Haise scratched his cheek. “Just a little nervous, is all.”

“You’re nervous? I’m the one meeting a shitton of new people!” She laughed, leaning against their linked arms. “And under the shadow of death, of all things!”

“P-Please don’t say that when we get there…”

It was another weekend night, and the two of them had met at a station in the 10th ward. The get-together for Kurona was to be held at Kimi and Nishiki’s place. It was to mainly be a distraction above all else.

Haise was, for all intents and purposes, fine, but the revelations from Cochlea still weighed heavy on his mind. Nashiro, Ryouko, and countless others, all killed needlessly by what Shachi called V.

Like the Roman numeral for five. The fifth major arcana— the Hierophant.

It almost sounded fake. Like maybe the plot point of a B-movie. Something that Hide would have enjoyed back in college— the kind that dealt with shadowy puppet organizations and the ‘real enemy’. It was borderline childish to think that all of the world’s problems— or at least, all of Japan’s problems— really stemmed from a single source.

But Haise couldn’t ignore Shachi’s stories, corroborated by public lobbying records. Donations made to certain political parties. Convenient bills that became law, and record profits from said laws. It lined up too well to be a coincidence. People in positions of power were starved with greed, and they were sating it by gorging themselves on the remains of innocent lives.

And Sen, with their story, wanted to destroy them.

“I’ve been collecting interviews these past few years,” she had told him. “They’ll be released along with the book.”

The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin had only been the beginning. Certainly, Sen’s reputation had tanked with older and more traditional audiences, but her clearer stance, compared to her other works, had highlighted who she should be targeting. That was why she was willing to create a graphic novel; to literally illustrate her point better.

“I’m glad, you know,” she said, leaning affectionately against Haise’s arm. Nishiki and Kimi’s place wasn’t far away now.

“How so?” he asked.

“You’ve been a most willing participant in my little scheme.”

“‘Little’?” he repeated, baffled. “I looked up each of the families involved, and they’re… they’re everywhere.”

Hospitals, airways, food production, entertainment, law enforcement, law— V had its claws sunk into nearly every aspect of everyday life. To attack even one of them and succeed seemed impossible.

“But we’re not targeting everywhere; just the Washuu.” She shrugged. “Attacking their chokehold on law enforcement’s a good first step. It won’t solve everything, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

“I… see.” At least, he thought he did. Casting a wide net did risk being spread too thin. “But won’t releasing the information destroy your reputation?”

“I never cared much for that.” She played with the sleeve of his jacket. “But if you must know, I have accomplices that’ll release the information in my stead, all anonymous.”

He hummed in understanding.

“Besides—” she stopped and turned him by the shoulders— “there’s someone else I need to look out for.”

Haise’s first instinct was to ask who, but when Sen fixed his jacket and brushed off some lint, he flushed. “A-Ah…”

“It wouldn’t do if you couldn’t capitalize off your big break.” She smiled.

“But… But you’ve been working on this for a while, haven’t you?” He reached out to brush some of her hair out of the way. “I-I don’t want to get in the way if it means—”

She stopped him with her palm. “Oh no, you don’t.” She laced their fingers together, lowering them. “You won’t be attached to me forever, you know.”

He blinked, recalling what he’d said to her a few months back. Working alone, building his own reputation and following, setting down a path separate from her… That was, in some part, what he had envisioned for himself. The ability to be a solo act, free from the shadow of Sen Takatsuki, so that they could stand together as equals, under the sun, when he returned. So that she could respect him as much as he respected her.

“Sen…” Haise put his other hand over hers, smiling slightly. “I won’t leave you.”

Now he knew he didn’t have to; he didn’t need to be anything besides himself. Sen already respected him. Him, Haise Sasaki, the artist. Her artist.

She looked up at him now, blinking. “Oh, uh…” In the face of vulnerability, she had a habit of stumbling on her words. “I, um… I’d like that.”

When he kissed her head in approval, she shrunk into herself, a dark shade of red coloring her cheeks. She practically dragged him the rest of the way to their destination, too shy to show her face.

Kimi and Nishiki’s place wasn’t large, but it was a house, which was impressive in and of itself. A simple two-floor house, with beige walls and a dark square roof, as well as a simple paved yard leading up to the front door. A placard reading “Nishino” was on the gate, denoting who owned it.

Haise sent a text to Nishiki to say that they’d arrived, but when the door opened, it wasn’t his former coworker.

“Hey, Sauce!!” Hide said, jogging over to open the gate. The nickname was sort of growing on Haise, much as he didn’t want to admit.

“Hide!” He waved back, then stepped aside to make room for Sen. “I, uh… I brought her!”

Strangely enough, Hide’s grin dimmed, which only happened when he was cautious of someone. Haise thought to ask if he was okay— had they been stalked?— but the moment passed as quickly as it appeared. “Cool! So you’re Takatsuki?”

Sen stuck out her hand. “Sen’s just fine. It’s good to finally meet you in person, Hide.”

It happened again, but this time with Sen. Haise had spent enough time with her to know when she was wary of someone. But this was Hide, his best friend in the whole world; why was she like that now?

“Likewise,” Hide said, clasping her hand and giving a firm shake. “Been looking forward to this for a while.”

However, before Haise could ask either of them if they were okay, an interruption with glasses and a wool sweater appeared in the front door.

“Oi, Hide!” Nishiki called. “The fuck you doin’ out there? Bring ‘em in!”

“N-Nishiki!!” Haise shelved his thoughts at the sight of his old coworker. “Hey!”

He took the opportunity to take Sen by the hand and take her to the door, making her giggle in surprise. He also shot Hide, following behind, a quizzical glance, but Hide just gave an indifferent shrug. Haise made a note to confront him about it later.

Sen put on her usual smile. “Hi!”

Nishiki waved back. “Yo! You’re the elusive girlfriend, eh? Name’s Nishiki— pleasure. Used to man the counters with your little boytoy there.”

“Nishiki!” Haise hissed.

But Sen just laughed. “Customer service, huh? Sounds like hell.”

“Worse, actually.” He shrugged, but clapped a hand on Haise’s shoulder. “But this stupid idiot sometimes made it fun.”

“Y-You’re just being nice…” Haise scratched his cheek.

“And you’re just bein’ humble.” Nishiki stepped aside. “Get inside; it’s fuckin’ cold.”

Haise glanced at the shoes at the entrance. This was a surprisingly loaded gathering, and he swallowed. It was one thing for him to attend this sort of thing, and another to have to proactively introduce his girlfriend to everyone.

He felt Sen squeeze his hand. When he looked at her, her mouth was a thin line. Knowing he wasn’t alone, he squeezed back, trying to give her a reassuring smile. It was anything but, but she chuckled anyway.

They took it slow, getting her introduced to everyone in bits and quickly slipping away with irrelevant subjects. There was Kimi, Juuzou, Takizawa, Yoriko, and then Amon. Haise tensed up when introducing Sen to him, as he remembered Amon being friends with someone named ‘Mado’, but it didn’t come up.

As for Kurona, she seemed to be doing well; the gathering, plus the novelty of Sen’s appearance, was a good distraction from everything. People were clearly steering away from gloomier subjects, at least for tonight.

“It’s almost infuriating how good she has it,” Sen mumbled at one point.

Haise blinked. “How so?”

They had claimed their own little space in the kitchen, far enough away to have a hushed and private conversation.

“Friends willing to help her, a place like this to crash at— a support system,” she elaborated. “Infuriating.”

Juuzou was showing off a small party trick by balancing a shot glass on his nose. He took a second one, flicked it into the air, and then caught it perfectly in the first. Cheers and applause went around the room, and Kurona whistled.

“What about Big Bin and the others?” Haise asked. “Aren’t they—”

“I wasn’t talking about them.” She sighed. “I meant… before them. Before Shiono.”

The 8th ward. “O-Oh…” Haise twiddled his thumbs. “He told me you were at an orphanage.”

She nodded. “Not the greatest place to be. Big surprise, I know. No one really got along with anyone, and even when you did, well…” She brushed off the memories like dust. “Either way, the only person that could understand me was me; everyone else was a terrible liar.”

It struck a chord within Haise as Takizawa tried— then failed— to replicate the same trick. He apologized profusely to a laughing Kimi as he swept up the glass, much to the amusement of the others. 

“Sometimes I wish I’d gone to school. Maybe I would’ve found someone there.”

Haise shook his head. “I wouldn’t count on it.”

“Oh?” She tossed a curious glance his way.

“Well… In grade school, after my mother died, a lot of the teachers were extremely accommodating toward me… It was almost smothering— and fake.” He scratched his cheek. “And all of the kids, except maybe Hide, started hating me too— because they’d get in trouble for bullying me. It only got better once everyone stopped caring.”

Amon was on the floor as well, searching for any stray glass shards Takizawa might have missed. He mumbled something about an ‘Akira’ and how grateful he was for her lack of presence. Takizawa seemed to agree.

“We’ve all got our own share of problems, then, hm?” Sen nudged Haise. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.”

“It’s not all bad,” he replied. “I mean, even if it was bad at the time, it was still important.”

“Hmph. You’re too kind for your own good.” Her soft expression betrayed the words. “But sometimes, bad things aren’t important at all, yet they still change you, and for the worse.”

He wanted to ask her what she meant, but just then, new visitors arrived: Kaya, Ayato, Touka, and—

“Hina!” Haise said.

Hina beamed. “Haise!” she said, and hugged him.

She’d taken to his new name incredibly quickly; she also appreciated the construction far more than Hide or Touka did. She even caught the characters for ‘false’ and ‘king’ that made up the first half, which Haise hadn’t had happen yet. Truly one of a kind.

“Good to see you.” He grinned at her. “I’ve brought someone for you to meet.”

Sen smiled and waved. “Hello!”

Hina’s jaw dropped. “Y-Y-You’re… You’re Sen Takatsuki!”

Sen’s smile, once a mere performance, widened with real amusement. “That I am. And you are?”

The poor girl, usually brimming with quiet confidence, now looked ready to either melt from how she was sweating or freeze from how much she was shaking. “F-Fue… Um, H-Hinami…”

“Fuehi Nami?” Sen tilted her head innocently. Now she was just messing with the poor girl. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a name quite like that. How’s it spelled? Oh, lemme guess! ‘Fue’… ‘Fue’ as in ‘flute’ and… ‘hi’ as in ‘fire’!”

“N-No! I-I mean, that’s— Well, erm, I meant that—” Hina stumbled over her words, picking at her fingers anxiously. “It’s, um, It’s actually Hinami. Hinami Fueguchi…”

Haise would have felt bad for her if it wasn’t so entertaining… Wait, ‘entertaining’? Sen was rubbing off on him more than he thought; perhaps there really was something to her when she called her influence ‘monstrous’.

Sen, for the first time since arriving, gasped excitedly. “So you’re Hina! Oh, it’s so good to finally meet you! Ayato’s told me a lot.”

“H-He— Really?” Hina’s expression, once fearful, turned oddly curious.

“Yes! Did you like my autograph?”

She tilted her head. “A-Autograph…? Wait—”

Haise’s brow raised. So that was what the resort autograph was.

Another gasp. “You mean he didn’t give it to you?! It’s been months!” Sen practically glared at Ayato. “Ayato!!”

Ayato, who had dodged Sen and Haise to browse the snack rack with Juuzou, looked up at the sound of his name. When he saw who called it and who she was standing with, he went pale.

“Oh, he looks terrified.” She grabbed Hina by the arm. “Let’s go say hi.”

Hina flushed the reddest color Haise had ever seen. “W-What? M-Ms. Takatsuki, wait a—”

It was too late; they were already across the room. Hina shot Haise a pleading glance, but he just smiled sheepishly back. Hopefully, things were less embarrassing for her than it was for him and Sen. Surely she’d be more sympathetic to Hina’s plight than Miza and the Bins.

Now alone, someone nudged his shoulder. “Psst,” Touka whispered, like they were part of some conspiracy. “Got a moment?”

His brow furrowed. “Uh, sure…?”

He glanced at Kaya, who wet her lips in a grimace. “It’s… It’s important,” was all she said before walking back out.

His gaze found Sen again, who was busy happily chatting with Hina and a disgruntled Ayato. She’d be fine for a bit, he thought, and followed Touka outside.

Enji was there, and with him was—

“Mr. Yoshimura! E-Enji!” Haise was at his side in an instant. “You’re here!”

“Hey!” Enji waved and grinned. “It’s been a while.”

The manager’s eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Kaneki, it’s good to see you again.”

The sound of Haise’s old name gave him pause. He’d been called Haise or Sasaki for months at this point, so hearing ‘Kaneki’ again was— strange. He shook it off, however; this was Mr. Yoshimura! It didn’t matter what he called Haise so long as he was here.

“What’re you doing here?” Haise asked as he approached.

Mr. Yoshimura’s smile faded slightly, replaced with something a bit more… pensive. Maybe even a bit wistful or bittersweet. “That’s exactly why I asked you to come out here.”

Haise tilted his head. “Alright, but… what’s wrong?”

Mr. Yoshimura glanced at the others. “Please, enjoy the party; this is a… personal matter between Kaneki and myself.”

Enji and Kaya pursed their lips, but they headed in. Touka stayed where she was for a bit longer, before patting Haise’s shoulder and following. Now it was just him, Mr. Yoshimura, and the chill of an early winter night.

“A-Are you sure you don’t want to talk about this inside?” Haise offered. “I’m sure we could get a private room somewhere if—”

“No, no, that… I cannot head in just yet.” Mr. Yoshimura sighed. “I cannot head in because… It concerns your… your partner.”

“Sen?” Now Haise was really confused. “I-I’m sure you’ll get along fine with her; she’s actually really nice, and—”

“Kaneki.” Mr. Yoshimura put up his hand. “She is my daughter.”

A frigid gust, much colder than those before it, blew through the area. “She’s your…? She’s your what?”

Haise had to assume he misheard. Like, Sen was actually Mr. Yoshimura’s dinner, and he was secretly a cannibal, while Kaya and Enji were fetching him his sorely needed food! Or maybe, ‘She is my dragon’! Sen was a shapeshifting magical creature, and Mr. Yoshimura was covering for her as a kind soul! Surely Haise didn’t hear that she was actually Mr. Yoshimura’s—

“My daughter,” Mr. Yoshimura repeated, and the impossible impossibilities crumbled like ash. “I am… her father.”

Sen had never talked about her biological father. Even at the resort, she had only ever talked about Noroi, and it was Shiono who had mentioned that her biological father was even alive. But the idea that he was hiding under Haise’s nose— within his more positive memories, too— was… He didn’t know how to describe it.

“In all likelihood, she does not want to see me,” Mr. Yoshimura said. “I have… hurt her.”

Haise could only imagine how. He had never been given up before, not really, but knowing that someone chose not to take care of you had to be rough. Not only that, but it was Mr. Yoshimura who had made that choice.

Mr. Yoshimura, who had given Haise shelter when he needed it most. Mr. Yoshimura, who had given Touka and Ayato the chance to go to school.

Mr. Yoshimura, who was like the father Haise never had— caring, supportive, and loved by all who knew him.

Except for Sen, who was deprived of the chance.

Haise hesitated. “But… Do you want to see her?”

Mr. Yoshimura paused, then chuckled softly. “What sort of father doesn’t want to see his daughter?”

That was all Haise needed to hear. He stood behind Mr. Yoshimura and grabbed the push handles of his wheelchair. “Alright, then. I’ll take you to her.”

Mr. Yoshimura looked up at him, surprised at first, then smiled. “Thank you, Kaneki.”

Haise gave a reassuring nod and pushed him in. Once inside, he went ahead and quickly located Sen, who was chatting rather amicably with Touka now. Good; he didn’t know what he would do if she was tense around both his best friends.

Sen, as if she sensed his gaze, locked eyes with him and grinned. She dropped whatever conversation she had with Touka and immediately trotted over to him.

“Hina’s just adorable!” she said before he could speak, giggling. “I wish I’d met her sooner! I’ve always wanted a kid sister to dote on…”

Haise gave a glance over and found Hina, who was standing completely still, cheeks red with embarrassment. Next to her was Ayato, who wasn’t faring much better. Neither seemed inclined to say anything, but neither did they look like they wanted to leave each other’s side.

“Uh, Sen,” Haise was still looking, “what did you do over there?”

“Oh, you know how it is. A push here, a gift there— nothing crazy.” She smirked to herself. “Turns out our lighting kiddo brought Hina’s personal copy of Monochrome Rainbow for me to sign! Fancy that.”

“Oh, wow.” Haise laughed. That was… actually really sweet. Go, Ayato.

“Anyway, you look like you want to ask something, so go on.”

At least she gave him a window, more or less. He cleared his throat. “There’s one more person I’d like you to meet,” he said. “Someone really important.”

She raised a brow. “Alright…”

He took her hand, trying to look reassuring. “I-It’s nothing bad, I promise!” Even as he said so, he rubbed his chin.

She frowned, but didn’t push the issue. He led her to Mr. Yoshimura, who was waiting near the entrance. He swallowed at the sight of Sen.

“This, um…” Haise hesitated suddenly. What if something went wrong? What if this was a mistake? Could he afford such a thing? Between Sen and Mr. Yoshimura, could he choose one over the other?

… No, it was going to be fine; there wasn’t going to be a choice. Even if Mr. Yoshimura had hurt Sen in the past, it was nothing the two of them couldn’t overcome.

“This is Mr. Yoshimura,” he said with confidence. “He’s my old manager from—”

“From Anteiku,” Sen finished, all traces of her smile gone. “So that’s where you’ve been rotting all this time.”

Mr. Yoshimura pursed his lips.

Haise quickly realized the mistake he made. “A-Alright, um, Sen, why don’t we—”

“Pretty gutsy for you to show up to this thing.” She was glaring now, and her voice was raising. “You have no shame, Kuzen, you know that?”

“S-Sen, you’re—” Haise tried to intervene again.

It didn’t work. “Have you come to apologize, then?”

Mr. Yoshimura sighed. “I don’t want to fight, $%@.”

%*]? Who was that?

He continued. “But yes, I have. When I heard Kaneki was bringing you, I knew I had to at least try.” He bowed his head. “I’m… I’m sorry, #\*. For hurting you, and for—”

“I don’t want your apology,” Sen spat. “I don’t care about your apology. You had a thousand chances to apologize and took none of them. I was talking about your apology to Kurona.”

“^]-…”

“She’s a really sweet girl, and amazingly intelligent— Valedictorian of Iba University, kendo champion, and making a number of strides in the field of agriculture. Fascinating stuff.” She shook her head. “But of course, you didn’t know any of that; you were too busy patting yourself on the back for a dusty old achievement you gave to yourself.”

Someone approached them: Touka. She’d been eavesdropping. “Hey,” she said, glancing behind her as the conversations grew quieter. “If you guys are gonna do this, then—”

“Touka!” Sen grinned emptily. “Great timing. Your manager here was just getting ready to apologize to Kurona. Weren’t you, Mr. Manager?”

Mr. Yoshimura’s grip on his armrest tightened. “I—”

“Sen,” Haise tried not to hiss. “I really don’t think—”

But again, he went ignored. “Kurona, dear!!” Sen called, commanding the attention of the room. “‘Mr. Yoshimura’ here has something to say to you!”

Kurona’s brow furrowed. “Uh, what?”

Hide, very suddenly, also stood up. “Hey, guys! Let’s—”

“Do you wanna tell her, or should I?” Sen leaned toward Mr. Yoshimura. “It’s the least you can do after everything. This whole thing is your fault, after all.”

“What’s she talking about?” Kurona asked.

“Don’t do this, =|&lt;;,” Mr. Yoshimura said. “That was a long time ago, and I had to protect you.”

Sen barked out a laugh. “Protect me? Protect me?! Is throwing me into a homeless shelter with your disgraced colleague, one you didn’t dare look in the eye until it was convenient to you— is that ‘protecting’ me?! Is impregnating a woman half your age and letting her die because she ‘knew too much’ ‘protecting’ me?! Is it, Dad?!”

“Sen!” Haise put his foot down. “You’re making a scene!”

She turned on him, practically jabbing her finger into his neck. “I’ll make a scene all I fucking want,” she growled. “The man who hired the Torso deserves to be ridiculed.”

If the room wasn’t quiet before, it was now. Amon’s face went white as a sheet. Takizawa, mid-drink, choked. Juuzou and Kimi stared at Sen. Hina shrunk into herself, and Ayato gripped her hand instinctively. Hide held his breath and looked away, and Touka, though her expression was carefully neutral, looked like she was about to bite her lip off.

And then there was Kurona, who was staring right at Mr. Yoshimura. “What…?”

Sen looked back at Mr. Yoshimura, a gleeful look on her face. “That is why you came here, right? To confess? You wouldn’t actually show up here just to offer your condolences and leave, would you? Like it wasn’t your fault?”

“Oi, oi…” Nishiki said, hands up in the air. “You’re… You’re just messing with us, right, Sen? Shitty joke, but I mean— Mr. Yoshimura, tell us she’s joking.”

Haise waited for a response. It had to be a joke; it just had to. Mr. Yoshimura wouldn’t do that. He was the one who rehabilitated the Devil Apes and Black Dobers with kindness and love! He had taken Touka and Ayato into his home, giving them the supplies they needed to succeed in school, and then did the same for Hina years later. He had sat down across from Haise, a broken soul, and put him back together.

There was no way someone so wonderful and kind and loving could have such a direct connection to the Torso. Right?

“I mean, imagine having the audacity to show up to a funeral as the one who hired the killer.” Sen checked her nails, chuckling. “But you’re the beloved Mr. Yoshimura, right? You wouldn’t do that.”

Yet, with this impossible possibility, the last piece of the puzzle that was the 8th ward fell into place. Donato’s arrest, after being free for decades. Sen, let go without a stain on her record. The Torso’s near-decade long streak of crimes.

Donato’s words echoed in Haise’s mind:

“Sometimes, Haise, when confronting a ‘child’, one must explore the circumstances of the ‘parent’.”

A moment passed, then another. Mr. Yoshimura gripped the armrests for dear life, struggling to come up with a response. However, his silence answered for him.

“Oh my God,” Kurona said finally. “You killed Shiro. It… It was you.”

Amon immediately put a firm hand on her shoulder. “Kurona, don’t. He’s just an—”

“How could you?” She shrugged his hand off and made her way around the kitchen table. “Shiro was… Shiro was…!”

Juuzou stood up. “Oh, boy.” He took out his phone and made a call. “Yeah, Hanbee? Uh, gonna need a ride. Fast, if you can.”

“Kuro, Kuro.” Takizawa tried to block her way. “L-Let’s calm down, and think this through—”

“I’LL KILL YOU!!” Kurona lunged forward at Mr. Yoshimura, but was held back by an agile Nishiki and Touka. “SHE WAS ALL I HAD LEFT!!!”

Haise, amidst the chaos, saw a smirking Sen flit out the door. He wanted to immediately follow, but Kurona had to be restrained first.

“YOU SLIMY OLD BASTARD, HOW COULD YOU?!” she screamed. “YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD! YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD!!!”

Enji immediately took action and got Mr. Yoshimura out of the house.

“LET ME GO!!” Kurona struggled, but Touka and Nishiki held fast. “LET ME GO, PLEASE!! I HAVE TO— SHIRO CAN’T JUST—! LET ME GO! TOUKA!!!”

Hina went to her, staying in her vision the entire time. “Kurona, Kurona,” she said, keeping her focused. “Listen to me. I know how you feel—”

“SHE WAS MURDERED!!” Kurona sobbed, but without her target in sight, she struggled less and less. “Shiro was… taken from me… You don’t… You’ll never understand…”

Touka and Nishiki let her down gently as she clung to either of them for support.

“I know how that feels,” Hina repeated. “My mother was taken from me too. Expensive surgeries that would have left her— us— debt-ridden for years…” In a rare show of anger, she scowled. “Because we were poor, she had to die. So I— I know how you feel.”

Kurona curled up into a ball on the floor. “First Dad, then Shiro. What do I…?”

Juuzou knelt down beside her and patted her back awkwardly. It seemed to help, like a familiar and comforting sensation. Her sobs were dry, but she wasn’t struggling anymore.

Touka, now free, came up to Haise, who’d been watching like a complete idiot. “The fuck are you still doing here?” she whispered.

“W-Well I— I thought maybe I could—” he stammered, unable to really answer.

“Get out! Right now!” She was already pushing him out the door. “Find Sen, stupid!”

“R-Right!” He bolted down the street toward the station.

—

He found Sen just a few blocks down; she was stalking down the sidewalk with her hands stuffed into her pockets.

“Sen!!!” he called. “Sen!!!!”

She slowed just enough for him to catch up. “Oh,” she said as soon as she saw him.

He stopped before her to catch his breath. He could do this; just… talk. He could do that, right? This was Sen; she’d listen to him.

“Come to drag me back?” She watched him, unamused. “I won’t apologize.”

He stood up straight. “But you can’t… You can’t just say something like that and— and leave!”

“Funny, because I just did.” She turned on her heel, about to leave.

“I-I’m serious!” He grabbed her sleeve. “You really shouldn’t have said what you said.”

“Why? Because he’s your precious manager?” She yanked away. “Because you have good memories of him? Because he’s your father?!”

He recoiled slightly. “I— This isn’t about that. This is about Kurona.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I gave Kurona a target. A perfectly good means of channeling her anger.”

“A person isn’t a target!” Haise argued. “And what good will her anger do? Kurona’s not like you! She doesn’t—”

“And how do you know what she’s like, hm?” Sen gestured toward Kimi and Nishiki’s house. “Would you prefer she remain in ignorance her whole life? Would you prefer that she just never learn about V’s oppression, never realizing that her loved ones were killed by some stupid control freaks? Would you rather she just descend into her sorrow and become an empty husk?!”

“I didn’t say that! I’m saying that she was going to hurt someone the way she learned!” Haise almost wanted to tear his hair out; why was she being so stubborn about this?! “Mr. Yoshimura’s just an old man; doing anything to him is wrong.”

“Well, if you’re so worried about him, then go do something about it! What are you doing out here?!”

“I’m out here because you’re coming back with me!” He reached for her arm. “Things have calmed down a bit, so you’re going to come back and apologize to her, then you’re going to apologize to your father and—”

Her fist suddenly collided with his cheek. If she wasn’t glaring at him before, she was now. There was a flame in her eyes that threatened to incinerate him in the cold.

Haise swayed in his spot, dazed from the impact. It wasn’t nearly as strong as Touka’s punches, but the sting was… familiar.

(Eyes that condemned him for disagreeing. Stubbornness that manifested in a stinging cheek and a dark room.)

“I… I’m sorry,” he said automatically, as though from a script, and he took a step back.

Her eyes wavered, but she didn’t falter, even as she shook out her wrist. Then, in a single motion, she turned and stormed down the street. She didn’t even get the last word, yet somehow, that was worse.

He watched her figure shrink until she disappeared around a corner. He desperately wanted to chase after her, even as memories of undeserved seconds and bloodied paper cranes weighed him down. Instead, he stayed where he was, a frozen icicle in the frigid night.

After a moment, he kicked the nearest wall. All it did was make his foot hurt. Way to go.

He had blown it, because of course he had. Mentioning her father to her face like that?! Unbelievably stupid. Not only was it so arrogant of him to think he could mediate things between Sen and her father, but it was doubly so to think that some no-name artist like himself could even prepare to fix an unfixable mess.

He looked behind him, toward Kimi and Nishiki’s. Everyone had probably cleared out by now, so there was no point in going now. They’d solved everything without him.

He sighed. No matter where he went, he was useless.

So if not there, then where?

Perhaps home; looking at the sky, it was getting late. The 12th ward bordered the 10th, so he didn’t really need to take the train (and risk seeing Sen), but the idea of walking wasn’t appealing, either. Plus, he almost felt like he was being watched here.

No, that was crazy talk. Paranoia feeding on the feelings of failure.

Haise sighed as he journeyed home. The quiet neighborhood became the city, and the empty air filled itself with mindless chatter, cars, and blaring lights. The world kept turning and turning, indifferent to the suffering. Perhaps it was intentional; by never caring, things would hurt less.

Haise stopped on the side of the road.

He wondered if Mr. Yoshimura felt similarly. In an organization like V, how did you deal with being the direct cause of death and destruction? When put that way, perhaps it wasn’t so far-fetched; in order to protect what was right in front of him, Mr. Yoshimura blindly flung the Torso at all of his victims until it blew up in his face.

Haise didn’t even realize a taxi had stopped in front of him. It was only when the driver rolled down the window and spoke that he looked up.

“N-Need a ride, sir? T-T-Tonight’s a special discount… Half off your ride…”

The driver was tall based on how hunched over he was in his seat. He… didn’t look healthy, either, based on his gaunt cheeks, messy black hair, and shaky gaze. It made Haise a little uncomfortable, honestly.

His first instinct would have been to leave, but he didn’t. There could be a story behind that gaze. There was a story behind everything, as Sen liked to say. Stories of tragedy, joy, loss, and triumph. Base assumptions founded on fear were only barriers in the end.

Plus, this driver had been kind enough to give Haise the chance to get home without much of a fuss. He didn’t like the idea of waving down a taxi in the first place; it felt too self-centered, and right now, all he wanted was to be left alone.

But at the same time, some new company could be good for him.

“Alright,” he said, getting into the back.

“S-S-So, where to?” the driver asked, tapping the wheel rhythmically.

“Um, the 12th ward station…” The inside smelled pretty nice… What sort of freshener did the driver use?

“Roger that…” He punched in a few numbers on the dashboard, then took off.

Haise glanced out the window, noting familiar landmarks and trying to see how he might draw them. Water colors, most likely, or maybe he might finally try his hand at sculpture? It would really help bring the buildings to life, and working in 3D space might help him grasp backgrounds a bit better.

He fought a yawn, but something about the evening was lulling him to sleep.

“L-L-Long day, hm?” the driver asked.

“Something like that…” Haise mumbled in response. He was just fine earlier, but it seemed the adrenaline was wearing off, leaving him bordering on lethargic.

“I-I feel you.” The driver tittered. “B-B-Bosses have been grilling me over an open f-f-fire for the past couple d-days… I messed up pretty bad, a-and they’re tryna clean up my m-mess.”

Haise wasn’t really paying attention, but he bobbed his head in a half-nod. He hoped he saw Sen again. Even if he had hurt her irrevocably, she’d taught him so much and tolerated his presence for so long. It felt wrong leaving without at least saying goodbye. There was no way that they’d continue working together, not after this.

“S-S-So I’m gonna h-help them out tonight, after this r-ride…” the driver continued, but his voice sounded strangely distant, like they were holding this conversation across a large tunnel.

Haise felt like he had swam a marathon. Sure, tonight had been exhausting, but not that exhausting. And the scent of the freshener was starting to overwhelm him.

He tried to entertain the driver to at least stay awake; some conversation might distract him from the drowsiness. “What… What did you… do…?” It took effort just to speak. What was going on?

The taxi made a turn. “I-I-I, uh, messed up with a c-client, is all…” The driver sounded a bit eager now. “Sh-She was b-beautiful, but the inquisitive type, y’know? So I sorta b-b-buckled under the pressure… T-Too many questions…”

What a strange coincidence; Nashiro had been an independent journalist of sorts, if Haise recalled correctly. Last he remembered, she was in the 13th ward, just next door…

When Haise glanced up next, he didn’t recognize where they were. He tried to sit up, to say something, but speaking was so… difficult. Plus, he felt so… sleepy…

They slowed to a stop.

“Sorry… Mr. Kaneki…” the driver’s distorted voice said. “Boss’s… orders… y’know?”

“Ungh…” What was happening? Why did he know Haise’s name?

“I-I-I wish chloroform… worked like the movies… Too long… work…”

He wished he could panic, summon the strength to do something, but even those feelings were dampened. But if he did nothing, he was doomed. He had to do something, anything.

He tried to get up, but only collapsed against the leather of the seat. His entire body tingled with numbness. He tried to speak, but only a weak groan came out.

The car door opened, and there was the driver, who said something. But what?

Darkness crept around the corners of Haise’s vision, and he drowned in its embrace.

[msexplorer]

Give me the courage to face the challenges of my day, no matter how large or small.

May I never lose sight of the sunlight on the other side of the storms..

For that will always give me the strength, courage and perseverance to see things through.

Give me the passion to fill my spirit and move me to greater heights and more awareness.

May the things I pursue bring joy to my heart and peace to my soul, so that I will always have that fire burning inside me.

Give me the serenity to understand that my journey is as it is meant to be and nothing happens by chance.

People and things come into my life for a reason, for it’s up to me to figure out why..

To step back and understand the reasons, learn the lessons and appreciate the growth...

even though sometimes, things don’t go as I want them to.

But I’ll always what I need and where I’m meant to be.

This journey is mine and mine alone, though I’m blessed to have so many wonderful people walking this path beside me..

My people that love me just as I am and accept me for all my quirks, flaws and uniqueness.

That’s the love I tuck into my heart to carry me through the hard times- when I don’t think I can keep going but feel the love and find a way.

Maybe I’ll take some wrong turns, but they’re not really wrong..they’re just places I needed to go and people I had to meet to teach me who I was and what I’m capable of.

I know there will always be long nights and tears to cry, that’s just part of finding myself.

Every person, every broken heart, every situation has something to show me if I’m willing to open my eyes.

But every day is a blessing that I’m thankful to have and an opportunity to find the beauty in the moments, help someone in need, be kind to another soul.

There will never an obstacle I can’t overcome or a problem I can’t solve.

Most of all, what I know is this:

There’s always hope to inspire me, love to lift me up and strength to carry me through.

Every end is just a new beginning and with passion in my spirit and eyes lifted, I’ll find my way.

Maybe it’s not perfect, easy or ideal, but it’s my journey..

And taking one step after another, I can realize my dreams and follow the stars.

I can do anything, be anyone and become anything.

It all starts now, with me, and a little sprinkle of hope, dash of courage and a touch of belief.

That’s how I make today great.

The Ravenwolf

[disco-elysium-via-polls]

🎵 Instrument of Surrender

3. "Let me be straight with you. I'm trying to figure out who's smuggling drugs out of Terminal B."

KIM KITSURAGI - The lieutenant steps in: "We have a credible lead, sir. Someone on this roundabout is waiting for a bulk shipment from the harbour -- to load it on their lorry and drive it to Jamrock."

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Not me, man, no way. I don't need any trouble. Shit's bad enough anyway. This jam's got folks up in arms and I'm afraid it's headed toward a conflagration."

"Wait, then why are you still hanging around?"

"Who do you think could be conducting the drug trade then?"

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Gotta guard the stuff -- bosses don't look kindly on missing cargo. And it gives me time to work on my rhymes."

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] - A rhyme-smith? This is quite credible -- it goes with his cadence and way of speaking.

"Who do you think could be conducting the drug trade then?"

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Look, man, I try to stay away from the criminal underbelly of Revachol. I'm a guest here. You really need to find another man to probe with those questions."

DRAMA [Medium: Success] - We wouldn't say he's lying, sire.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] - It's not a lie, it's... something else. Impossible to say *what* at this point, but there's something in him. Some trepidation.

Talking through Tommy's dialogue has unlocked two white checks.

5. [Empathy - Formidable 13] What do you see in his eyes?

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] - In his eyes? A half-familiar longing. Flecks of brown and gold.

Familiar -- how?

TOMMY LE HOMME - It's hard to say. His gaze wanders southwest -- down the street that goes beyond the horizon...

"What's in the southwest?"

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Excuse me?" He emerges from the reverie.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - A flinch jolts his frame. The question has touched a nerve.

"I'm a cop, I can fix anything."

"Really, you can tell me."

"Hell, I get longing. I've felt something similar since I woke up."

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Man." He sighs. "I don't know what to say. Not much anyone can do... there's no helping an absence, you know?"

"I miss my family. They're all I have, my wife... a second kid on the way... waiting all the way in Deora. And here I am, stuck in this shit, so far from home."

"Deora?"

"What's it like to miss someone?"

TOMMY LE HOMME - "Deora-of-the-Seven-Seas. It's on the other end of Le Caillou, pretty much -- on another island, called Laurentide, off mainland. We've got a little place there. I can almost hear my kid laugh, when it snows..."

"What's it like to miss someone?"

TOMMY LE HOMME - "What's it *like*? Good. And bad. An ache that brings you joy." He smiles warmly. "I think of them a lot. I dream up these silly scenarios, in great detail. Of living with them... it comforts me."

There's a pause and a sigh. Then he turns his eyes to you. "What about you, cop-man? You missing someone?"

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] - Is that what it is -- this feeling?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success] - No. It's scarier than that. You're *pursued* by a hunter. Smelling of apricots and sorrow. And the past.

[prophecydungeon]

not quite to the date (yet) but ten years ago i posted a fic that is somehow still sitting on the front page of results by kudos and by bookmarks for the most popular ship in the most popular fandom on AO3 and i still don't know how that happened.

like... really genuinely truly i don't know what kind of WILD perfect-storm-level shit was going on to make this happen. the original post got eleven whole notes here on tungle (yeah i checked lmao). i am not, actually, a very Doing Numbers blogger or writer, nor had i ever been, nor will i ever be. as far as i know, there wasn't any wildass six degrees of separation thing that happened where someone very Doing Numbers made it Do Numbers. i didn't "advertise" it or anything (ppl who make fic graphics and have a posting/rbing/rting schedule.. i could never lmao), i didn't post it on every site known to man, i didn't tag it to hell, i didn't really do anything. it just fucking happened. and it's still happening!!! and i am just so fucking baffled. how did this happen. why are there people making tiktoks about this fic in the year of our lord 2022. how??????

i have a lot of very complicated feelings about this fic, with a lot of them boiling down to just, like, brain chemicals being very stupid, and i know that logically it's just brain chemicals gone bad! but it's still hard to shake ten (10!) years of feeling like my growth in writing is being constantly undercut by this thing that's created its own gravity well to keep sucking in kudos and comments when just about everything i've written since has been Better™ (which again, logically, i know is untrue -- i write for fandoms now that are relatively VERY small lol so of course nothing is ever going to Do Numbers again like this)

this fic was something i wrote after a very difficult-to-process series of events, so it was complete and utter wish fulfillment and it felt so good to write. the flip side of this, which in retrospect really soured the fic for me, is that i tried my damndest to live out the life i wrote in this fic. i went to grad school for linguistics two years later and TA'd, Just Like The Fic. it was supposed to be great! and those turned out to be the two most miserable years of my life. maybe not specifically because i was trying to live a daydream, but that disparity didn't help (though my friends certainly did). so in a way, aeiw is this image of a failed dream -- i'm not in linguistics as a field, not even remotely, and i likely never will be; i don't want to ever go back to academia, even though i will likely need to get another masters (derogatory) in my current field at some point.

BUT. i promised that this is not a negative post so i will pivot here to say very genuinely that i am so, so grateful to all the friendships and good times this fic has brought me. thank you to all the people i met because of this fic or while writing it. thank you to everyone who's gotten to know me for totally different reasons/fandoms/etc and then been like WAIT A SECOND. (it's so funny, every time.) thank you to everyone who's ever left kudos and said a kind word. (i still get kudos emails nearly every day just for this fic.)

and thank you to the incredibly beautiful personal anecdotes people have left on this fic, holy shit. i have a folder in my email for those specifically. here are some excerpts from comments that made me tear up:

Hey, so...you probably don't still read comments on this fic because it's so old and so wildly popular*, but I hope you see this. [...] I just started my first year of University as a Linguistics major, and I know for a fact that I wouldn't have figured out what I wanted to study had I never read this fic. I've always had trouble with school, and struggled to find subjects that weren't wildly difficult or insanely boring-until Linguistics. Now, I'm excited to learn and pursue my degree-maybe even a master's eventually. I just wanted to say thank you for this sweet story that stuck with me for all of these years, and helped me find what I want to do.

*i do. i read every single comment. every single one.

[...] Reading this, I don't understand how anyone could say that you, the writer, did this alone and will only ever be alone for this story.** I mean, we're separated by computer screens, but I feel that I was transported into your story in a way that transcends what is expected of the written word. Maybe this is my biased opinion as someone who has grown up in a secondary orality culture, but I just had to let you know that this story was more than the written word is often perceived to be. If that makes sense. I felt like I was there, getting the story and so caught up that I couldn't stop reading. And you might not be the narrator, but you're essentially god and you breathed life into these characters and I'm so in awe of you. You make it seem so easy! What's worse is I know it's not, so here I am, seeing something unfold with what looks like practiced ease when I know just how much work you've put into writing to get you to this point. I'm so proud of you! And it feels silly to say but I am, and I wanted you to know. [...]

**this is one of the most incredible things anyone has ever said to me.

[...] I first read this a long time ago (at least 6 years) when I was really Going Through It and this fic - specifically Dean - really resonated with me.*** It gave me an inkling (pun intended) of hope. And it was the first positive representation of tattoos that I'd seen. I started planning tattoos I wanted soon after reading this, using them the way Dean does in this to identify the important and best things in my life and figure out how to represent them and always have them with me. I just got my third done and I love all of them. So thank you for the impact that you've had on my life, and for writing such a wonderful story.

***i was really Going Through It as well. i'm doing great now and i hope you are too.

thank you to past me for writing this fic and finishing something "long" (lol..... lmao). thank you to past me for writing unabashed wish fulfillment, something i would lose the capability to do for a long time (dw, i got it back). thank you to this fic for irrevocably fucking up my AO3 statistics.

so anyways, ten years on i'm doing great. new career. new gender. new fursona. i live in a super cool area. i got like seven anime figures of this one horrendous guy. my sick tattoos have gotten even sicker. here's a portrait of the author for good measure:

and here are some fun facts about the fic that idr if i've ever shared before:

the scene at the very end where cas goes to get tattooed by dean? my beta wrote that for me. yes, the whole scene. thank you.

i don't remember who it was that carried a bike up some stairs but i always hefted my bike up onto my shoulder when walking it up my outside stairs so i pictured whoever that was doing it too (and i still have that bike! i refurb'd it last year!)

i think i own every vinyl i mentioned... i think

i definitely own led zeppelin's entire discography on vinyl

i finally bought a pair of rough-faced amethyst plugs for myself, something like two years ago? took me a while to get there

that sex scene was in there because i felt like i "had to" include one lmaoooo i had no idea what i was doing and i've written way better p*rn since then

when i turned 24 i did actually listen to 4 + 20 by csny first thing in the morning

soooo much of the tattoo and piercing stuff was so fucking pretentious of me.... but really, be thorough when looking for piercers and tattoo artists, stay safe, there are a lot of great resources out there

i actually pretty legitimately don't like showing my tattoos irl just because people can be really annoying/weird but i also just enjoy wearing long pants and long sleeves lol

...also yeah i do dress Like That. unironically.

some things i have written since then that i am very proud of:

P vs NP, RvB

the more i run (the farther away it seems), destiny

quema, bleach

in the details (not the devil), haikyuu!!

apsidial precession, destiny

and so in conclusion........ thank you. but i'm still baffled.