#really just a way of treating liminal characters that i think is very interesting

[the-witchhunter]

DP x DC: To Become Liminal

I’ve just been thinking about liminality a lot lately. It’s very much a thing that if I write something with Liminality, it’s probably going to be about liminality and how it affects a specific character, or at least that being a major theme

I don’t like being loosy goosy with liminality personally, it’s very much a less is more situation for me, it’s rare, it’s weird, and it’s hard to become is how I like to treat it. so bare with me everything after this is based on those sensibilities 

Ectoplasm is dangerous. It’s the stuff Ghosts are made of but it’s also some kind of radioactive substance. That’s why even weak ghosts can be picked up by EMF readers and can make the lights flicker. It’s a type of radiation and it’s not safe for humans to be around in anything larger than what a couple of ghosts give off. Too much at once will kill you, and even too much over time could do that.

To become liminal is to incorporate ectoplasm into yourself, for your body to find a balance or die trying. Ectoplasm is already poisoning you, and if properly treated you might be fine with minimal complications after. The real issue is when it’s untreated and your body starts incorporating the thing that’s trying to kill you. 

And the process is painful, incredibly painful.

Fever, headaches, muscle aches as your muscles corrode and try to rebuild themselves, nausea and vomiting as your digestive track morphs, stomach pain and internal bleeding as the ectoplasm eats it’s way through your stomach lining. It hurts as your body is constantly trying to break itself down and rebuild for day, weeks, even months. Think of Vlad in the hospital and how long he was there, even after the proto portal did the majority of the work and launched him past liminal into the start of being a halfa

and then, when the pain stops, your body is different, YOU are different. You’re no longer the same, you don’t feel the same, think the same, or even dream the same. Your dreams are more vivid and disturbing, you have strange cravings and urges, urges your new body wants but you find distressing

Jazz grew up in a house of ecto scientists, The stuff had always been around, but her parents acted like it wasn’t something to worry about. Sure, sometimes the food in the house made her feel sick and she’d end up vomiting, but food poisoning is normal every so often, The fevers were just her getting a cold or the flue, totally normal. But then the portal opened and that tipped her over the precipice. In some ways she was lucky. If she hadn’t been exposed so ling, the amount that flooded the house after the portal would have been enough to kill most people in a week. Her parents were fine because of their protective gear, but Jazz would have died. Neither her parents or Danny noticed the three days she spent in bed, covered in sweat and in pain. she felt like she was dying. She was

Jason died and didn’t come back right. Even after he clawed his way out of his grave, he was more of a zombie than a person. Then Talia had found him and taken him in. The Lazarus pits could work wonders, heal the dying, replenish vitality and youth, truly a thing of wonder. Unless you were alive and healthy. The pits destroy the living and healthy Jason was living when he went in those pits, and the only thing wrong with him was his mind. The Pits brought him back, but it wasn’t right. He spent weeks barely awake, barely able to eat anything, and everything hurt. It hurt like the crowbar had hurt. He dimly remembers Ra’s wondering if Jason had been a failure and if it would be a mercy to end him there. Then Jason got better, but he was different. His body moved different, he had cravings he just couldn’t understand, some of which horrified him.  And the Rage. The rage was beyond what was normal. This wasn’t the pit madness others had spoken of. That would go away or leave him a gibbering mess. He had his mind, but the rage was still there. Something had permanently changed

Jazz had just moved into the apartment across from Jason. Something about her was different. It was familiar yet alien in a way that intrigued and frightened him. Jazz seemed to have similar feeling about him.

Just two people who are more alike than they know and are struggling with the way that similarity had changed them. Maybe they find a sense in community in each other, they finally aren’t alone, Maybe they find comfort in each other. Finally, someone who understands what it was like to go through that, that knows what the dreams are like, what the cravings and impulses are like

could it be romantic? Certainly. 

I just think there’s some really interesting things to be done with liminality in regards to examining a character and how this could affect relationships, romantic or otherwise 

[saintsenara]

why do people portray walburga and her relationship with sirius in such an exaggerated way? like torture??? i get that we don't have a lot of information about what went down, but its such an extreme choice

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

unsurprisingly, the answer to this is under the cut, because it comes with a trigger warning for discussions of physical and sexual abuse.

my interpretation of things is that it's a really interesting bleed-through into fandom of two real-world views a lot of people have:

firstly, that it's uniquely horrifying when a woman who is also a mother is cruel to children [or, indeed, when she's anything other than completely self-sacrificing and nurturing].

grimmauld place is a dozen different gothic literature tropes in a trenchcoat, and the text hammers that home with absolutely no subtlety whatsoever. it is walburga in the portrait - haunting sirius, serving as a physical manifestation of the rot of blood purity, making grimmauld place seem as much of a prison as azkaban - rather than orion because the reader wouldn't find it anywhere near as disgusting or frightening to see a man in that role, and the narrative meaning intended by the portrait therefore wouldn't come over as clearly.

[the subtext to walburga's character - that the portrait and the house are liminal spaces between life and death, a hint at the extraordinary grief she carries which will be revealed in deathly hallows - would also be interpreted very differently by the reader if they belonged to orion. walburga's grief - for both sirius and regulus - is inextricable from what the series thinks is "true" about motherhood and womanhood.]

and this - i think - is why, even though sirius does talk about the emotional abuse he experienced coming from both of his parents, the fandom is laser-focused on walburga. she's a bigger presence textually and she's a bigger presence textually entirely because she exists in defiance of deep-rooted societal opinions about how mothers should act.

[which we also see in the fandom's responses to petunia versus vernon and molly versus arthur...]

the second real-world view which bleeds through into the fandom's treatment of sirius' childhood is one which lots of people hold and which therefore has major, major repercussions for people in abusive households and relationships: the idea that abuse which isn't physically extreme [or, in the case of children, but much less often adults, sexual] isn't "as bad" as abuse which is.

and part of this is that the social norms we live by treat extreme physical abuse [and child sexual abuse] as objectively wrong, but treat abuse which doesn't meet this threshold of extremity much more subjectively.

a parent who beats their child so badly that they almost die will inspire outrage from all quarters. a parent who hits their child with a belt once across the backs of the legs as punishment for misbehaviour, but claims this is a form of reasonable physical discipline which doesn't cause their child any lasting harm, will find plenty of people willing to defend them as well as plenty of people willing to condemn.

and - of course - societal prejudices connected to things like gender, race, class, and so on play a big part in these splitting of opinions. a man who rapes his five-year-old child will be - in public, at least - unambiguously regarded as a criminal by everyone in a community. a man who rapes his female partner will find plenty of people willing to argue that it's her duty to provide him with sex and he was merely requiring her to fulfil that duty. a man who rapes his male partner will find plenty of people willing to say that gay men are all hypersexual and the victim loved it.

this subjectivity of response is also one of the reasons why emotional abuse, financial abuse, coercive control, stalking, and other forms of non-physical abuse still aren't taken as seriously as they should be. there's a widespread perception - and not just among police - that they're not dangerous in and of themselves.

from the fandom perspective, then, it seems to me that the writing of abusive situations often focuses on extreme physical violence as a way of authors offering "proof" to their readers that they take the fact that the character was abused seriously.

there is a worry - i think - in many authors' minds that if they wrote walburga never laying a hand on sirius, they would be accused of claiming his childhood was normal, his experience was fine, his parents' treatment of him was justified, or that he shouldn't be thought of as someone who was abused.

but - of course - something it's crucial for us to do in real life is be alert to just how complex and individual abuse is, and how poor our pre-conceived notions about what it is and what it isn't tend to be. i think the same is true in fandom, and it's why i think portrayals of non-physical abuse which take that abuse as bad enough are so important.

[aaron-reviews]

Severance S1 (Apple TV)

A Spoiler-Free review

I had heard quite some excitement when Season 2 of Severance begun airing, and when I received an Elevator Pitch(pun intended) of the general plot of the show, I knew I had to watch it immediately. My Goodness, did the raving reviews not overstate. Season 1 of Severance is an absolutely fascinating and thrilling dissection of Work Culture, while also being a damn good story. Without spoiling anything, allow me to discuss three aspects of this show which are phenomenal.

First of all, the visuals. This show does a good job of playing it's card close to chest, but the visuals and camerawork tell a story unto itself. Dizzying twists around corners and spaces that feel both liminal and nostalgic are able to convey meaning to viewers without words. Even when the heat is off and the thrills have died down, through the shots and set design you can always feel that something is wrong. The boxed-in framing of characters in many scenes tell you more about them than they'd let on. The way the titular 'Severance' is displayed through how the characters are framed is fantastic. In a scene without dialogue you can clearly tell that a character is only experiencing half of their life through visual placement. Once you notice it it's a treat every time.

Speaking of the characters, the complexities of their emotions and understanding of their world is endlessly gripping. I do not think there is a weak link to be found in this cast. There is an astounding level of ability displayed by the actors, especially those who have to convey, lets say, conflicting characteristics within themselves. To see a character be at-odds with themselves in such a convincing way produces endless entertainment, and frustration. I found myself charmed by characters who are morally reprehensible, only for them to switch in an instant, and to remind me just who they really are under the mask. The complexities of these characters mean that you are constantly tearing away layers of carefully constructed personalities, leaving you constantly yearning for just a little bit more information about them. My favorite character is Irving, played delightfully by John Turturro. Despite having his flaws and hang-ups, I find him absolutely charming.

Third and finally, the symbolism and theming of this show, while not necessarily subtle, is striking and important. There is much to be said here about the structure of Work, and the psychological effects on corporate workers. There is some interesting Religious tones which occur throughout the show, drawing out ideas of Cult-like devotion, indoctrination and cruel Hierarchies, which I'm sure some will agree can pertain to real world Workplaces. Certainly, the feeling of leaving work and finding yourself there immediately the next day is not an unfamiliar one. Furthermore, the concept of adopting a work persona or 'switching off' while in work is something I've discussed with many people.

To finish, I think this show hits upon something very important and very relevant. To do this, while also spinning a thrilling story with charming characters is nothing short of an achievement. I avoided going into detail of the story of Severance, and for good reason. This show can only be experienced through your own eyes. I'm sure you will find something there that you can relate to. This show flew under the radar for me, but I would absolutely recommend it.

[payphoneangel]

Here are a few 'make you choose' prompts for the ask game :)

lazarus rising versus lucifer rising

the bunker versus motel rooms

Which was sadder: Castiel's final death or Dean's final death

crowstiel versus drowley

the scene where dean talks to his john's grave in the djinn dream versus the scene where dean talks to mary in her mind

OUGH IM EATIN GOOD TONITE!!!

Laz Rising w/o hesitation. Sorry Sam but Laz Rising is just such a stellar ep all around. The pacing the colors the celestial horror THEE CASTIEL. Can't be beat.

Motel rooms for sure. The bunker had some interesting elements to it and it was fun to see them have a 'home base' in some ways, but mostly I just thought it was really boring 😔 also like. that's just so sad?? This is just my personal bias but if I don't look out a window at least 12 times a day I whither and die like a plant. Living in a whole ass bunker.... NO WONDER LATE SEASONS DEAN WAS SO ANGY HE HAD A VITAMIN DEFICIENCY. Plus I like the thought put into the set for each motel room. There were a lot of details put into them and I really love liminality as a concept and motels are def part of that.

oooooh. Now this is a toughie. I think Dean's death. Castiel got to die in a very,,, like a Very Supernatural Way. He died confessing his love, saving Dean, defeating the Big Bad. It was high drama and high emotions and very Him. Like his whole speech was, while heartbreaking, made a lot of sense for his character. Him not getting resurrected (or resurrected off screen i should say) makes it more sad in retrospect, because for us (the audience) his death was The End of his character, but Dean... You introduce this character with a Devil May Care attitude, who pretends to be rough and all edges, and then you show that actually, he cares a whole whole lot. And then you show him caring a whole whole lot by how much he's willing to sacrifice for those around him. And you find out he does that because he believes it's an inevitability. He's going to die young and bloody-- he thinks he deserves to die young and bloody. And you throw him hardship after hardship and drag him through the ringer again and again and again, and after all that, He's proven right. He died young and bloody. But it wasn't even in a big blaze of glory, it wasn't some grandiose sacrifice for the greater good that fed into his martyr complex, no. Just bad luck on a run-of-the-mill hunt. Castiel's death was sad, sure. But Dean's was cruel. That's why it upsets me more.

OUGH another toughie. Crowstiel or Drowly.... They're both messy and ugly and full of drama so I love both of them, but I think if I had to pick, I'd say Crowstiel. Part of it is just like, the height of Crowstiel was s6, which I like Crowley more in that season. I felt like he and Cas have a more fun dynamic, are a little more equal in power, and idk, there's just something about it. Like they hate each other but they also fuck nasty. Drowly is still v v fun don't get me wrong, but like a pet peeve of mine is how the show treats Crowley. We didn't get to see much of "Dean and Crowley's Summer of Love" so we really didn't get to see the height of it, mostly just the fallout. And like I love demon!dean and most of s10 (an unpopular opinion, i know). But by later seasons i just feel like Crowley,,, like the narrative kind of looses all respect for him. Nothing he does feels like it has a lot of impact, when we see him and demon!dean, he's kind of playing the 'straight' man, which isn't as fun for me. So I feel like in later seasons when Drowley is most present, the dynamic is just not one I fuck with as much.

ahhhhhh mmmmmmmmm. I think Dean talking to John's grave. Idk there's just something about Dean only being able to be honest with his parents when they're absent that just tickles my brain. Not that I think he was being dishonest when he was talking to Mary! And like Mary coming back was a Bold Choice that I wish they had fucked with more, but being haunted by your father, whether living or dead, ahh I simply must stan.

[norbezjones]

AU-gust in September #5: Chess Players (Romance The Backrooms)

So, here’s the deal.  I couldn’t participate in my beloved AU-gust event last month, because I was busy.  So I thought, fuck it, I’ll just participate this month instead, because we as humans can do whatever we want, and screw the rules lmao!  And that’s what I’m doing.

The event is “supposed” to be for fanfiction, but I want to write AUs for my game Romance The Backrooms, a liminal space otome with 5 main love interests, so I’m gonna do that instead.  Like I said, screw the rules! X)

Since September has only 30 days, I’ll treat Day 31’s prompt as a Joker (aka a prompt I can switch out if I don’t like the day’s chosen prompt).

Today’s Prompt: Chess Players

Characters: Glarence, Kalcal, & Zenobos.

Other Info: I think Zenobos is a Human Anthropology student in this AU, but I don’t fully know what the others are majoring in.  Feel free to share any ideas y’all have!

__________

“Kalcal, stop eating the pawns.  You’ll get indigestion,” Glarence snapped.  Since they were in the school library (a private room, but still), he had been trying to be quiet, but this was the last fucking straw.

“Awww, but I like them!” Kalcal said, frowning.

Glarence folded his arms, scowling.  “I’m trying to teach you chess, and you’re not taking me seriously. . .”

“I just doing get why you want to teach me this dumb game anyway!” Kalcal replied with a shrug.  “I mean, what’s the big deal?”

“The big deal,” Glarence said in an overly-patient tone, “is that I need 5 people in order to form a chess club at this college, including myself.  And if you, as my roommate, learned chess, it would really help me form this club.  And that would give me an extracurricular leadership role, which I need in order to prove to [REDACTED] that I am a capable overseer.  And I can rub that in his fucking face.”

Kalcal tilted his head.  “Seems like a complicated plan,” he said to Glarence.  “Do you even have 3 other people to join this club?”

“Not yet,” Glarence replied, “but I will.  You’ll see. . .”

“E-Excuse me?”  The two of them jumped at the voice, and Glarence turned to see a fellow student at the doorway of the room, holding an armful of library books..  He was very short, and his hair was rather gray for his age.  “D-Did I hear you say something about a chess club?”

Glarence perked up, nodding.  “Yes.  Are you interested in joining?”

“Absolutely!” the stranger replied, grinning.  “I love playing chess!”  He sat down next to Glarence and put his books down on the table.  “I’m Zenobos, by the way.”

“I’m Glarence,” Glarence said, “and the guy trying to eat the pieces is Kalcal.”

“Hiiiii!” Kalcal exclaimed with a goofy grin.

“I’m trying to teach Kalcal how to play chess, but he’s barely able to make a move without getting distracted, let alone try and beat me,” Glarence muttered.

“Well, everyone learns things differently—maybe that’s why,” Zenobos told him.  “Want me to try teaching him?”

Glarence smirked.  This was going to be entertaining to watch.  “Be my guest.”

The two of them switched seats, and Zenobos took a fidget cube out of his pocket, holding it out to Kalcal.  “Want to use this while we go over the pieces?” he asked.

“Ooo, that looks fun!  Thank you!” Kalcal exclaimed, snatching the cube from him.

“Awesome!”  Zenobos held up the black king on his side of the board.  “Now, the goal of chess is to capture the other player’s king, which is this piece. . .”

As he talked, Glarence couldn’t help but be impressed.  Kalcal actually seemed to be listening, and Zenobos was able to easily break things down in a simple way when Kalcal got confused (something Glarence struggled with).  It was definitely something to be admired.

Then, Zenobos said something that got Glarence’s attention.  “. . . and I know a few other people who might want to join the club, Kalcal, so we can have more people to play with!”

“Ooo, yay!” Kalcal exclaimed.

“Wait, who else would want to join?” Glarence asked excitedly.

“My friends Adiel & Uri!” Zenobos replied.  “They’re both chess players, too—Uri has been playing way longer than me & Adiel, and Adiel & I have been playing for about the same amount of time.”

“That would be 5 people. . . That would be enough to form the club!” Glarence exclaimed, grinning.  “Can we meet your friends now, see if they’re interested?”

“I’m going to meet them at the cafeteria in 10 minutes, if you two want to come with me,” Zenobos replied.

“Absolutely,” Glarence said, nodding.  “Let’s do it.”

“Sounds like you’re gonna have your club soon enough, G!” Kalcal exclaimed with a grin.

“Yes,” Glarence replied, smirking.  “Yes, it looks like I will. . .”

[roughentumble]

If you want to suffer because of timelines, try to figure out when the Black Sun happened in the games/books timeline :D i have a post dedicated to raging about this but Im on mobile so I cant aend it to you to check it out. But I do want to know yoir thoughts on it! The central characters are Syanna (and Anarietta by proxy), pf course Renfri and Deidre. I loom forward to your theories and screaming about the ages

(ALSO! Radovid V is younger than Ciri (i think) and Morvran Voorhis is around 18 in TW3 ("a child accoridng to Imperial Law in 1268", which doesnt specify the age but he seems younger than ciri or her age at the very least; dunno where I heard 18, but eh, close enough). Look at their game designs. Look at them and tell me they look their age)

jaw on the floor. jesus holy hell. i never even noticed that but now i'll never UNnotice it

when the fuck did the black sun happen???

now ok, the thing with deidre is, i never really understood treating her as canon, because there's another fanmade adventure included in the enhanced edition's base game, in which geralt helps santa save christmas and is then raped by an old man in an infirmary. so like, i dont really consider that to be canon to the series. so deidre to me exists in the exact same sort of liminality.

and also like, she just Says Word For Word stuff that renfri said. so she's pretty obviously a renfri clone. it makes for an interesting fan game, and it was definitely well done and compelling! but she's. She Is Renfri, basically. and if they'd had syanna also say things renfri said word for word, they could play it off as intentional, these are things all girls born under the black sun say, this is some aspect of their weird metaphysical powers linking them all. but they DIDNT do that(i dont remember syanna saying anything renfri did), so you cant say that, so it's just renfri's dialogue lifted.

so already i never tried to mentally fit deidre into a timeline that worked, because in my head she never really Worked at all, she was an interesting thought experiment. you would have to fudge the numbers to fit her into canon, is my perspective. (though what if everything with her went down, in the SAME YEAR geralt ended up in blaviken with renfri. spooky. "two drops of water," indeed.)

but even graciously allowing "deidre didnt happen, or if it did it wasnt wholly accurate to the timeline", what the hell is going on with syanna!!!! she and anarietta would have to be like.... in their 60s or something!!! i see a wiki page(though its a fandom.wiki which means its entirely unsourced and basically worthless ugh 🙄) where the curse of the black sun is just being born under AN eclipse, not a SPECIFIC eclipse, but that really feels like cheating.

i could maybe accept an in-universe sorcerer fudging the numbers like that on purpose to get syanna out of the way, if she wasnt favored by him for some reason, but that just straight up isnt what happened in the game. and i refuse to believe that "AN eclipse" is the proper reading OR how cdpr understood the prophecy. its just too much of a stretch

i mean, props to them that they twisted the timeline that severely and i never noticed, quite the narrative slight of hand, but STILL. that is EGREGIOUS. it doesnt make any sense!!! is syanna drinking potions of immortality. how good is annarietta's moisturizing routine, damn. do the people not notice theyre being ruled over by a bratty immortal

also:

MORVRAN IS NOT 18 OH MY GOD I THOUGHT HE WAS LIKE. I DUNNO. 40. MAYBE OLDER. 18 is killing me. like, i had heard that radovid was still a teenager, and while i dont See it and that character design does NOT communicate that... i thought it made some amount of sense for the character to be young, how he acts and how the world treats him. a young despot. i get it.

but MORVRAN he looks so old he acts so old he is OLD in my heart he will always be an annoying old guy 😭 he is middle aged he cares about horse races and has a weird thing going on with that lady he's always hanging out with. that is an Adult Man

[iphisesque]

do you have any hot takes about antigone characters?

oh honey i am a gold mine of antigone hot takes. it's 10am and i am barely awake so this might not be my best work but i will go through the characters one by one and share a hot take about them

antigone: when it comes to gender she occupies a fascinating liminal space, which i feel like she partly shares with electra; she's a woman who rebels like a man by performing burial rites like a woman, is sentenced like a man for it and kills herself like a woman, specifically like a maiden (hanging is a maidenly form of suicide). her rebellion does not subvert gender roles in the modalities, as burial rites and hanging were both women's prerogative, but it subverts them in its overtness: she doesn't shy away from femininity, she embraces it and stands proud with it in a way that is typically masculine, and as such she's the embodiment of androgyny in the play, which is why i feel she would get along well with tiresias (though not in the romantic way liliana cavani portrays).

ismene: genuinely one of the most overlooked characters in the tragic world. i think she actually feels the same way as antigone does towards her brothers and specifically polynices: ismene is a victim in her own right, both the sisters are, and i feel like she only cares about following the laws in the context of surviving. ismene knows she's not a tragic heroine who faces death head on, knows she is content with burying her feelings and surviving, and it is only when her sister is taken away from her that she begs to die alongside her: she's denied the luxury of becoming a tragic heroine without having a perceived fault to expiate, of course, and that is her tragedy, being condemned to surviving and remembering. in that sense she actually reminds me a lot of helen, i would say!

polynices: he has read the seven against thebes, to steal an expression from @finelythreadedsky; he knows how it's going to end, and though he tries to imagine a world where they both live, he knows they're both going to die (one cannot survive without the other, as they're twins linked by fate). in the antigone, i think that aside from being a symbol of crisis between the laws of man and those of the gods, he and antigone have a relationship that could be tied to labdacid propensity for incest; even more so when you think of antigone's line "had i lost a husband, i could have remarried, [...] but i can't have another brother", where it is made clear to us that love is not a prerogative of the husband, but of the brother.

eteocles: dipshit (affectionate). does what he has to do to protect his city and in that sense he's similar to creon, but to be honest this all wouldn't have happened if he'd given up the throne at the established time and not been so hubristic. antigone says "i would have buried the body all the same if it had been eteocles you had disrespected" and while that is definitely in line with her motivations, she herself knows that creon and the city's little poster boy eteocles would never have been disrespected in death like polynices was. i feel like in general anouilh's antigone really hits the nail on the head when it comes to the twins: they're both hot-headed fools one of which sometimes treats antigone with kindness, and it was only by chance that either of them ended up on the side they each died on.

creon: eteocles but actually competent at what he does: he's a king and a lawmaker, and rightfully so he rules and makes laws. those laws are morally wrong, as they go against the gods' will (godliness=morality), but they're just fine as far as absolute monarchy's laws go: he creates a hero and an enemy of the state out of two hubristic youngsters who killed each other, and treats their corpses and memories accordingly. creon makes human, ephemeral, invented laws with no moral basis, and as such he's a creator, co-writes antigone with his niece: the martyr needs something to die in rebellion against, and the tyrant needs something to bring him down or strengthen him.

haemon: my beloved malewife. all jokes aside i feel like haemon is often a very underused character: of course the play is titled antigone, and it makes sense he'd mostly take up space as antigone's beloved, but some parts of his character are far more interesting than he lets on. his dialogue with creon is exemplary: in it, he goes from trying to appeal to creon as the love-struck prince who just wants his love back, to revealing his contempt of his father and all he stands for. haemon abhors his father's tyranny, and he knows the people do so too, specifically mentioning that he knows dissent is building up among the populace: is haemon a friend of the people? does haemon, the crown prince, roam around the city, sneakily listening to his citizens and learning that way what the people want? does he do so alongside antigone, who also mentions knowing the people's hatred of creon? is this only allowed to happen because they're both younger siblings, guarded by their caregivers less strictly than their older siblings? just thinking about haemon opens up so many fascinating questions about who he was as a person and what sort of ruler he would have been if he'd lived and i love him more than is normal thank you for coming to my ted talk.

eurydice: she's barely a character but i do think she was the one who started weaving antigone's and polynices's shroud before she killed herself. afterwards, as the only woman left, the job went to ismene, who wove polynices's shroud as beautiful as she could make it as an apology for not burying him the first time, and a single shroud for both antigone and haemon to share, together in death as they couldn't be in life.

conclusion: many thoughts head full i love all of these characters and could spend hours dissecting them

[gascon-en-exil]

It's still somewhat astounding to me that a single offhand comment about trans headcanons for a Three Houses character got me a torrent of verbose anon hate, all presumably from one very loudly opinionated person. I'm not going to bother responding to those directly or any of the many that will assuredly follow - although I am old enough to be amused by the thought that the same whining the troll makes about trans headcanons contributing nothing to fandom could have been ripped right out of 2000s-era discourse, except back then it was about gay headcanons/fic - but a combination of candor and spite has nonetheless prompted me to put my current project on hold for a moment and talk a little about why I would have trans headcanons at all, and more specifically the kind that I do.

I have in the past suggested that, while I generally identify as cis, my gender has become more fluid in certain circumstances over the past half decade or so. Sexual circumstances, to be precise, to the point that I do now describe myself as "genderfluid in bed" for men who display an interest in such things. The common term for that is feminization kink, and for the men who are into that it usually manifests in little more than a desire to see me in lingerie and/or the use of associated wordplay during sex (ex. calling my hole a pussy/cunt, expressing a desire to impregnate me). I can understand why that might be appealing for some men; gay men collectively have a bunch of hangups with regard to straight men, and while that more often manifests through lewd fantasies of celebrities or watching porn where allegedly straight guys jack off for the camera I can also see in encounters with those men a desire to in essence RP as straight men fucking women. I get that from some bi men too, men who have explicitly enjoyed my natural androgyny and in some cases have even used their sexual experiences with cis women to add some extra flavor to our time together. Obviously this isn't a thing for all or even most gay/bi men - and guys who are looking for more masc partners are unlikely to start talking to me in the first place - but anecdotally speaking there are men of varying self-identified orientations who are into feminized AMAB sexual partners.

Now of course this comes to what is probably a more salient question: am I into that, or is it just one of several types of kink I'm willing to engage in because it broadens my appeal? There's no shortage of that in my sexual CV; I've let men suck on my toes, piss on me, tie me up, flog me, on occasion done all of the above to them, and more - but I'm sufficiently aware of my own interests to know that none of those things really turn me on. Feminization however I do like, so much so that I've noticed that I'm more genuinely attracted to men who treat me in what I perceive to be a feminine way, who take the lead in social situations and in intimacy and who enjoy the contrast in our bodies (these men almost always being bigger, hairier, and hopefully more well-endowed). The concept of treating me as feminine alone carries a ton of culturally specific baggage. The French are traditionally perceived as a more feminine/effete culture in the English-speaking world. Créole women like my female relatives and ancestors are notorious for the way they control their husbands, lovers, children, and (back when we had them) domestics while still constrained by the bounds of patriarchal society. It is through them that I learned most of how I conduct myself around men both in and out of bed, that the easiest way to control a man is to appear to be controlled by him while simultaneously enslaving him to his passions - passions that I intimately understand because I too have a dick. Most of my sexual partners come from backgrounds very different from that, so they have trouble understanding how I approach sex even if I'm trying to form an actual relationship with them. Still, some of them try, and I enjoy it when they do.

I've had trouble opening up about this before on my blog, not because of any trolls (although pissing off trolls is always fun) but because I've never been quite certain of how welcome talking about this would be. Most of the content and resources by, for, and about trans women online I've come across has concerned lesbian trans women, or otherwise centered around trans women's relationships (sexual or otherwise) with other women. As someone who still conceptualizes my gender identity first and foremost in relation to my sexual availability to men, those resources are unsurprisingly not going to speak to me very well. General trans content on Tumblr and other fandom spaces is similarly of little personal appeal, with the users skewing heavily AFAB and therefore more likely to feature trans men. I fully understand why that is, and on occasion I've been known to enjoy M/M porn where one character has a vagina with no explanation. God knows I've fantasized before about having an orifice that lubricates itself, doesn't need to be flushed out before sex, and is naturally built to take a cock. The philosophy behind most trans headcanons does elude me a bit though, as it seems to me like it'd be easier to keep a character's canon AGAB and change their gender identity rather than the reverse. Apparently that approach is much less common, but I can safely say that all of the handful of trans headcanons I've had involve canonically cis male characters imagined as trans female and sexually involved with cis male characters - big surprise there, right?

I get the impression that my perspective could easily be considered antiquated in several ways: that I emphasize sexual activity over the more nebulous sexual attraction when it comes to discussing orientation; that I prioritize my sexual activity over my gender identity; that I believe there exists a liminal space between fem cis gay men and straight trans women, and that there is historical precedence for such a space in pre-modern/early modern queer communities; and that to the extent that I've internalized a feminine gender identity I do so in the context of my relationships with men. Again, a lot of that comes down to culture, to the myriad ways in which queerness in New Orleans has retained its own history and character independent of other queer cultures in the English-speaking world. Maybe some of it sounds outdated, or misogynistic (I've seen that criticism lobbied at drag queens, and it would probably apply here too), or most bizarrely of all transphobic...but it's all nonetheless a part of who I am, and at the end of the day the only people whose opinions on this subject really matter to me are the men who want to take me to bed. To quote a particularly fitting verse from "Sugar Daddy" of Hedwig and the Angry Itch:

So you think only a woman Can truly love a man? Well, you buy me the dress, I'll be more woman Than a man like you can stand

Indeed.

[laughingpinecone]

ToT letter 2021

I am laughingpineapple on AO3

Hello dear author! I hope you’ll have fun with our match. Feel free to draw from general or fandom-specific likes, past letters, and/or follow your heart.

Art likes: characters doing something, even something very simple, illustrating a moment rather than abstractly posing. I also enjoy seeing them wear different clothes, getting a feel of what their fashion sense is like beyond their canon outfit(s). Or dressing them up for some outlandish AU!

Likes: worldbuilding, slice of life (especially if the event the fic focuses on is made up but canon-specific), missing moments, 5+1 and similar formats, bonding and emotional support/intimacy, physical intimacy, lingering touches, loyalty, casefic, surrealism, magical realism, established relationships, future fic, hurt/comfort or just comfort from the ample canon hurt, throwing characters into non-canon environments, banter, functional relationships between dysfunctional individuals, unexplained mysteries, bittersweet moods, journal/epistolary fic, dreams and memories and identities, canon-adjacent tropey plots, outsider POV, UST, resolved UST, exploration of secondary bits of canon, leaning on the uniqueness of the canon setting/mood, found families, characters reuniting after a long and/or harrowing time, friends-to-lovers, road trips, maps, mutual pining, cuddling, wintry moods, the feeling of flannel and other fabrics, ridiculous concepts played straight, sensory details, sickfic, places being haunted, people being haunted, the mystery of the woods, small hopes in bleak worlds, electricity, places that don’t quite add up, mismatched memories, caves and deep places, distant city lights at night, emphasis on non-human traits of non-human characters (gen-wise, but also a hearty yes xeno for applicable ships), emphasis on inhuman traits of characters who were human once and have sort of shed it all behind

DNW: non-canonical rape, non-canonical children, focus on children, unrequested ships (background established canon couples are okay, mentions of parents are okay!), canon retellings

All requests are for both fic and art!

Death Crown: Death, trick

(I haven't played the DLC yet so, alas, no demons, or no spoilers for the demons, at least) I am absolutely charmed by the overall mood of this game and would like to see something more in that vein! Anything! Got more sacred (or unholy?) geometrical architecture for Death to interact with, maybe in greater detail than just wrecking it? What else feels like a contemporary take on a Bosch painting? Can Death get lost?

Ghost Trick: Jowd, Cabanela, trick, treat

Anything focused on Cabanela being an unstoppable force (confident, untiring, sparkling, stubborn, dexterous, loyal to the bitter end, legs) and/or Jowd being an immovable object (sarcastic, strong, depressed, self-deprecating but knowing he's hot stuff, also stubborn, clever but an emotional dumbass, round). Figuring out stuff? Something in the new timeline is linked to the old timeline? Coat? Dancing? Scarves? Halloween costumes?

I like Cabanela/Jowd and Cabanela/Alma/Jowd and Cabanela/Alma in scenarios where Jowd isn't around and Alma/Jowd in general (REALLY like all these, okay. like this is the one request where I'd love the most self-indulgent shippy takes as well), and dig Lynne/Memry. Yomiel/fianSissel and Emma/JM also cool!

Hylics: any, trick, treat

(I have only played the first game so far so please no overt spoilers for Hylics 2. Feel free to include stuff from it but... stealthily, I guess?) This is an "anything that feels somewhat like canon, please" sort of request! Love the mood, love the cast, love the little added details in their menu screen. Those can be prompts? Or the oddball stats? How do ToT's trick and treat freeforms apply to Hylics' overall... hylicsness, what would those guys think constitutes a "creepy" moment or a "fluffy" one?

Not into ships for this one, however I WILL say that Dedusmuln has all the proverbial curves in the right places. mostly their face.

Kentucky Route Zero: Weaver

Math, debt, the liminal state of almost being a ghost, seeing the world with a strange clarity... just anything Weaver, please! How'd she make her way to the town? What was it like for her to be working on Xanadu for a time? What about the community broadcast! Does she have an opinion on Carrington's oeuvre? You know... things... stuff. Weaver things. and stuff.

I love the whole cast and Weaver... wove... her story through most of them so feel free to bring in whomever. Not interested in ships here though.

Paradise Killer: Lady Love Dies, trick

A post-canon glimpse of life on '''''perfect''''' 25? That's not QUITE enough class consciousness to make the whole thing work, you guys. What does 'normal' life feel like to LD now? After following Henry's case and talking to Shinji so much, can she see that it's doomed to fail again, and then what? What IS Island 25 like, anyway? (what comes after Island 25, even?)

I liked the choice of canon romances - if it has to be just one I'd prefer it to be Crimson, but I'd also be interested in seeing what a V or triad with Doom Jazz would look like. They're all so chill about stuff

Pyre: Volfred, trick, treat

Pragmatic idealist, charismatic and bad at people, pacifist, activist, physiologically incapable of shutting up for a hot second, what's there not to love... I am very into either of the following: C. Volfred Sandalwood has a fantastic day; C. Volfred Sandalwood has a terrible no good day. Everything is great! Pre-exile antiestablishmentarian antics, maybe with Bertrude? Political gambits? The very physical dangers of the Downside which may or may not catch a scholar by surprise (who saves him?)? Tree problems? Meeting Oralech for the first time and Volfred thinks he himself is hot stuff but out of the two, Oralech is clearly the VIP? Feeling like he should live up to Lu Sclorian's legacy but he feels much closer to other Scribes (and what does Lu have to say about it, one way or another?)? The thrilling intimacy of Reading? The thrilling intimacy of lowercase reading also, maybe reading old manuscripts found in the Downside?

I very much ship him with Tariq and/or Oralech. The only canon ship I like is Hedwyn/Fikani. I also like Soliam/Gol, Bertrude/Pamitha and Celeste/Jodariel. Love all the Nightwings + Dalbert (+Deluge...?); love to dunk on Manley, Brighton and Lendel (I don't enjoy flat-out bashing, more like... I enjoy the way they are portrayed as horrible gremlins in canon and if they turn up in fic I'm not interested in more positive portrayals)

Signs of the Sojourner: Rhea, Elias, trick, treat

Once again pretty much an "anything in the style of canon" request. I love this setting, its themes and all the little lives that fill it. I am interested in a wide range of postcanon scenarios and love the whole cast - does Rhea come back to $town any number of years down the line and find $character? How'd their storyline end up in the medium-long term? What the hell is up with the Stranger (seriously, three runs and I never managed to speak with them, I have no idea)? What's life like for Elias back home, or in a new home if they can't keep the store, or if Rhea landed the Oscar ending or whatever (just, please, not dead Rhea. I love that ending but can't stand to consider what it'd do to Elias)? Or does he join the caravan just once? Who did Rhea grow to really like and can't wait to see every time? Any ghost stories or creepy encounters on the caravan's route? Does Thunder help?

I'm neutral on ships here - good with Rhea&Elias, good with background Rhea/Elias but I wouldn't like a romantic focus.

Totally Normal Wizard Apprentice: apprentice, wizard, master, trick, treat

(conflict of interest disclaimer, I illustrated this but didn't write nor nominate it) What awaits the apprentice outside the wizard's tower? It sounds like a pretty wild moon out there, I loved all the worldbuilding hints of the bigger setting. Does the wizard keep track of the apprentice, with her telescope or otherwise, and how does she take care of her ruined parlor? Was this all some sort of 5d chess on the master's part, and if so to what end? And what kind of otherworldly patience does this man possess, anyway, to handle the apprentice on a daily basis?

Twin Peaks: Margaret, Diane, Lucy, Tammy, trick, treat

(bass-boosted ethereal whooshing) For tricks, I would like to see any of these characters face the woods, the mystery of the woods, and/or a new symbol of your liking. Or: Margaret in the city, Diane and the moon, Lucy and the color blue, Tammy incognito.

For treats, a happy meeting. I love the whole cast and I'm always thrilled by gonzo "&" pairings, bring in whomever! Coffee and pie? The Bookhouse Boys? A kinder aspect of the woods?

Fandom-specific notes: love s3, love the books too. I like Lucy/Andy, Margaret/Sam fwiw, and rarepairs Tammy/Cynthia and Diane/Constance. Please no Fireman's-house-is-the-white-lodge, no Twin Perfect, no Judy-was-destroyed (nor is destroyable).

Arcade Spirits: Percy, Teo, treat

More than anything, I love the sense of group and camaraderie among the arcade's staff and regulars, and I'd love to see some more of it. I picked Percy and Teo 'cause they're my faves but anyone you may want to add, up to and including Sue, is very very welcome. Is there any aspect of gaming that feels like it could be adapted to this strange world of contemporary arcades? Cosplay shenanigans for everyone courtesy of Ashley? Any other activity that could show how Percy and/or Teo get along with the others, like they were all forming little groups during the beach chapter? It's such a feel-good canon, any feel-good situation would be great!

My Ari is with Percy but I'm not really interested in shipping here. All sorts of friendships though!

[carrigerpigeon]

On THE ENFORCER ENIGMA

Okay, y’all.

We need to talk about The Enforcer Enigma because I have many, many problems with it.

I’ve been sitting on my feelings for this book for a month or so, after I got my ARC of it and I read it. It’s been hard to decide what I was going to say, how I was going to approach this. Like I’ve said before, my relationship with Gail exists in a liminal space between fan and friend, and is even more complicated than that.

I’ve decided, as both a fan AND friend, that I can’t ignore the problems in this book.

Which is where this post comes from.

When I first I heard it was dealing with the Selkie mob I was excited, because I loved how ridiculous they were in the short story and I think the concept is gloriously ludicrous. But this book overall felt very contrived, very basic, and very tone deaf in a racist way. The gay boys felt objectified and cookie cutter, and the racist treatment of Judd made me very, very upset.

I’m going to get to my issues with the treatment of Judd, as best as I can as a white person with a lot to learn, but I want to start with something I am able to speak better on, and that’s the gay characters in this book.

So let’s get into it. Spoilers, obviously, and lots of talk about systematic racism and homophobia, antiblackness, stereotypes, etc.

(Also, Gail, since you follow me on this blog and I know you’ll probably see this—READ THE WHOLE THING. Think about it. And then if you’d like to talk about it, you know how to contact me.)

This is going behind a cut, not because of the content but because it’s almost 6 pages long.

The Gay Boys

Okay. Look.

I love a catty, fabulous gay boy as much as the next queer. They have a space and a place in our community. But not EVERY gay man is like this IRL. Meanwhile, in SAS, it feels like every gay male character (or close to) in this series is a waspy, catty, faaaabulous gay. Isaac, Marvin, Max, Trick, even to some extent Alec and Bryan…they’re just all the exhausting waspy, catty, fabulous gay boy that we see exhibited heavily on Drag Race and other mainstream platforms.

And like. I get it. Colin is repressed and gay and wants to be a fabulous twink. That’s fine. But it just felt like he was slipping into the stereotype all the other gay male characters inhabit in these books, and that’s really, really exhausting.

Also, I am from the East Coast, where according to my West Coast friends we apparently grow gay boys differently. I can’t say with any accuracy how much of this is true. BUT MOST OF THESE GAY BOYS ARE FROM THE EAST COAST. They lived in Boston before moving to California. So why are they like this?

It feeds into this larger trend I’ve seen in Gail’s word with fabulous, savage gay boys—from Akeldama and all his drones, to Biffy, and even Lyall. Seen over the spread, it’s harder to sweep it away as just a “modern storyline” thing or a “California storyline” thing. It’s a trend, one which I find very uncomfortable as a queer person.

There is a place and space for Queer people to take back the tropes and stereotypes that have been used against us and write them our own way. But what I’ve seen as a longtime reader isn’t that. What I seem is lazy stereotyping and an overarching stereotype and characterization that feed into the larger the ways I feel gay men are objectified by female authors (no matter how queer the author is).

Many more people have covered this topic better than I, but it explains why I’ve felt so uneasy about this series from the get go. The sex and the relationships in these books don’t feel real—it feels objectifying. There’s lots of talk about big and strong sexy, muscle-y men but very little else. And while there is something to say about having a partner who thinks you’re sexy—that’s important, and I want everyone to have that…. this isn’t that.

These are muscle-y, strong, sassy gay men for cis white women to coo over on Facebook and feel good about. But to me, a real life nonbinary queer person, I feel uneasy and frankly uncomfortable with the objectification of them.

And since we’re talking about queer representation, after having a decent wlw spread in the Parasolverse there are two WLW (specifically lesbians) in SAS (Trickle and Pepper) and they (a) barely get any screen time and (b) feel stereotypical to me. And they are side characters, so I get it, but seriously?

And also while we’re on queer representation, there’s Mana, aka Manifest Destiny. Mana is the drag queen and arguable trans woman* who started off alright BUT was named after the colonization and violent taking of Native and Indigenous people’s lands and wrapped up in patriotism. Gail has said she made a mistake, that she meant her name to be Mana From Heaven, and that this would be addressed in the upcoming book (aka The Enforcer Engima).

It was not.

There is talk, from what I understand, this issue will be addresses in the upcoming short story about Mana and Lovejoy. But there are several throwaway lines about Mana in this book, her work in LA and her becoming a drag queen superstar (I guess akin to RuPaul?). So why wasn’t her name change discussed or even mentioned there?

[*Sidebar: Mana has been quoted as saying, “I suppose I should be transgender, under modern parlance. But I like drag queen. It suits me. I like the fabric roughness of drag, and the royalty of queen. It's a nice change to have the luxury of choosing one's own semantics, if not one's own situation." But whenever she appears, it seems she’s always in face/wearing false eyelashes/wearing women’s clothing.

I’m not going to police Mana’s trans experience because gender is a spectrum, and I as someone under the trans umbrella know that. But it feels…weird and off to me.]

Regardless of my sidebar, the name she was supposed to have, Manna from Heaven is…also sort of problematic? If I understand the reference correctly, it refers to the Biblical story of the food that God miraculously provided to the Israelites as they wandered in the wilderness. It means as a phrase the coming of unexpected benefit or assistance, especially when that benefit/assistance comes at the time when it is needed most. Which is what Mana is for the pack—she lets them live in her apartment in Book 1, she swoops in to save the day in Book 2. But it feels…very white and more than a little gross to name a character with Chinese and Japanese ancestry after something from the Bible.

And then there’s Judd.

Oh, Judd.

I really wanted to like Judd. The premise of his character was interesting, a Black, Pre-Saturation werewolf shifter, and I liked his cameos in the other books. But then we got a book about him, and it all fell apart.

Judd is a gay Black character, pre-Saturation, meaning he’s old as hell (from the Parasolverse time). He is objectified like the other gay boys, and there’s a lot of talk about how hard and strong his muscles and how sexy he is. He’s depicted on the cover this way.

And that’s…fine I guess, but gay Black men frequently have their bodies objectified as Black and muscley and strong. He’s also a pack Enforcer, so he’s depicted as not very smart and very violent. All of those are racist stereotypes that Black men deal with constantly, and they are racist stereotypes and tropes that are constantly hurled at Black men by the system and by society.

Additionly, Judd, the only Black member of the pack, is the only werewolf in the series to carry a gun.

A Black man. Is the only member. To carry a gun.

Yeah.

It gets worse.

There is mention of Judd’s backstory—very heavy inferences to Phineas/Soap (whose problematic naming convention and descriptors have been talked about especially by jhenne-bean ) being his mentor until he gets kicked out of Sidheag’s pack—but it falls very flat. I understand not wanting to write too much history of a Black character as a white writer, especially after tenuously connecting that history to the traditionally published series you’re Not Connected SAS To Not At All….

But.

Judd is over 150 years old.

He lived through some of America and Canada's worst racial discrimination, discrimination which would have affected him and his habitus and the way he moves through the world. He’s a gay Black man, and his gayness and his Blackness does not appear to affect how he interacts with the world at all. The police are called at the beginning and he’s OKAY ABOUT IT? AS A BLACK MAN? He basically says, “Thank God, the cops are here.”

You had a BLACK MALE CHARACTER SAY THAT when we’ve had a nationwide conversation since 2013, a conversation that has been reignited in the past three months?

Like????

And I was willing—perhaps whitely and naively—to give Gail the benefit of the doubt with Soap/Phineas. E&E was written in 2011, before Black Lives Matter was founded, before we began to have this nationwide reckoning with how Black and brown folks are treated systematically and especially by police violence. These conversations were definitely being had in 2011, but they were seen as fringe discussions and not necessarily part of the mainstream narrative as it is today.

However. It’s not 2011. It’s 2020.

It’s been 7 years since BLM was founded, and there have been countless discussions happening about racism and systematic issues in publishing and with white writers writing Black characters since that point.

Soap/Phineas has been mentioned or has cameo’d in The Custard Protocol and in Meat Cute. There’s been no conversation about his name or the way he has been described  And both he and Judd fall into the Caring-POC-Partner trope which has been discussed very heavily in romance circles and in ways I am not necessarily equipped to discuss in this post. But I will link to this post for everyone to read: https://medium.com/@ashiamonetb/queer-love-interests-of-color-and-the-white-gaze-8928b7b5e6ad

It’s 2020. These conversations have been being had, quite fervently, for many years, so there’s absolutely no excuse with how Judd is approached or treated in this book.

And here’s the CRUX of all this.

This book isn’t even really about Judd.

It’s about Colin.

Even though Judd is on the cover of the book, in all of his objectified Black body goodness, the plot of the story is about Colin. It’s very much entrenched in Colin’s issues with his family and his identity. Judd is there to take care of Colin and ~guide~ him and ~teach~ him things. To protect him. To be sexy to him.

See the medium article above. See the conversation about objectification above.

So if this book is SO MUCH ABOUT COLIN, why is Judd on the cover?

Why is Judd naked and glistening and Black on the cover of the story about the trials and tribulations of a white twink?

…Do I really have to say it? Maybe I do. It’s racist.

It might not be intended that way, but it is.

And look. There were parts of this book that I found enjoyable. I am still a fan of Gail’s wit and the way she writes. I’m a sucker for the found family trope, which all of these books have, and I really like Trick and Marvin. I’ve been where Colin is. I’ve fucked around with my gender presentation and been scared to out and fabulous or be perceived a certain way because I present a certain way.

But I’m really frustrated and frankly ANGRY with the racist stereotypes and gay stereotypes present in this book. It doesn’t feel like this was sensitivity read at all, by anyone. The book feels like a culmination of racist and homophobic trends that make me feel that Gail hasn’t been paying attention or listening to the cultural reckoning happening nationwide or in publishing.

And yes, there is a lot of “don’t idolize authors” talk, but here’s the thing.

Gail isn’t some anonymous author to me, someone I can just cancel and be done with.

Gail is a mentor to me. We’ve hung out at multiple cons, shot the shit about publishing, and talked about queer shit together with. We aren’t close, but she’s a friend (liminal space, etc). She gets a Christmas card from me every year, she asks after my partner when we chat. We’ve been in each other’s orbits for TEN YEARS.

I have this entire sideblog dedicated to her books, for fucks sake.

So when I read shit like this, it makes me upset. This book is a pile of microaggressions that stacked into a macroagression. It’s insensitive, definitely hurtful, and feels exceptionally tone deaf (AT BEST) to have written and released this book.

She has people in her inner circle who could have caught this if we’d been allowed to read it before hand, if we’d been a part of the beta process. But we weren’t. And it shows.

Gail, this is a message directly for you: You talk a lot about supporting people. You reblog lots of #ownvoices work and have been plugging a lot of #ownvoices fiction. I know (or at least hope) you’re a good person.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

Why is this book such a disaster?

Have you been listening at all?

And I get it, we all have things to learn and things to unlearn. As white ally, and as a member of the queer community, as someone in your inner circle and as a friend (liminal space!), I get it.

I’m also saying this isn’t ok.

This book that you’ve written is not okay. Not even a little bit.

Here’s the thing: you can fix it (or you can try). It’s gonna be hard and require difficult conversations and actions, but you can.

If you want to know more, if you want to talk: you know how to contact me. I’ll give you my number. We can email, Skype, Zoom, text, call, whatever. I know I’m not the only member of the Pigeons that feels this way. You have people here to help.

As for everyone else:

As might be apparent I have…a lot of feelings right now. I’ve loved these books for so long, made a friend (liminal space!) with the author through social media. Genevieve Lefoux, and Sidheag, and Aggie, and lots of other characters mean a lot to me. Gail’s books have helped me through hard times and hard places, and she’s influenced a lot of whom I am as a writer.

But right now having this blog, dedicated to all these books with this massive subthread of racism and stereotypes, feels…not great.

And I don’t know if I can continue to support Gail and continue to be a fan (and a friend) if she keeps up with this.

[zuzuslastbraincell]

Send me a ship and I'll give you my (brutally) honest opinion on it: ZUKKA

OH i have some opinions on this. warning: this reply will be a mile long.

essentially: i do really like zukka and have a soft spot for it, i used to absolutely love it (it was my fave ship back when i first watched atla in 2016), but the revival of atla has complicated my feelings towards it & has made me realise how much fan discussion and culture shapes out understanding of television. I largely think it is very overrated now and the fandom frustrates me a lot even if it's still kind of dear to me?

like at core, i think one should approach zukka not like it was 'meant to be' or highly signalled by the narrative (it was not and never was, lol, let's be honest) but rather just an extrapolation & continuation of the great teamwork dynamic and friendship that zuko and sokka presented during the boiling rock episode. they set out with some of the most awkward small talk and struggled to communicate or bond (i.e. that's rough buddy) but in the midst of the action, affirmed, supported, and trusted each other repeatedly, and this culminated in how well they fought together against azula imo? by the time they left they were so much closer. tbh i think zuko is important to sokka, as zuko affirms sokka and doesn't see him like dead weight or unnecessary in the slightest and believes in him, but also zuko is emotionally forthright in a way that challenges sokka, who hides his insecurities and buries emotions deep with a bleak outlook, sarcastic humour and a focus on the plan, to be more forthright as well. i think sokka helps direct zuko from bad impulsive decisions without trying to stifle him either and clearly appreciates some of his more hare-brained creative solutions (e.g. breath of fire in the cooler) and doesn't dismiss him entirely as an idiot either. like their dynamic - friendship or romance - is very good imo from only that one episode

ideal zukka content is set in this liminal space between boiling rock and sozin's comet where it's about the two of them continuing to lean on and trust each other, open up about shared fears and experiences (both older brothers with chips on their shoulders and prodigy sisters who looked up to their very very different fathers) but also just be goofy boys together, who do stupid or impulsive things and just *act their age* as that is something neither sokka nor zuko, who both shoulder responsibilities and tasks beyond their years, get to do much. like something light, maybe a little fleeting, but means so much in that space, very much the sort of meaningful summer romance you might have as a teenager.

all that said:

for various reasons i'm now sure how it'd pan out long term? a lot of fandom content depicts them as meant-to-be and each other's whole world when like, there's clearly so many other priorities they have - both have a strong sense of duty by the end of the show and i really dislike it when sokka is depicted neglecting that to spend all his time hanging around zuko? like racism r.e. sokka also comes into play as people will devalue his friendships and family in the tribe for the sake of a romantic relationship (with the fire lord, of all people! the boy-king of the imperialist nation that once raided the water tribe so much that it was barely hanging by a thread!). like i don't mind reading fic that actually takes the time to explore that conflict of interest and those different goals and how to navigate having different priorities as an adult and the legacy of colonialism without totally handwaving it or dismissing it but a lot of content just ignores it for the sake of 'oh gay husbands' and it really does a disservice to the characters? realistically i think it would have to be long distance and even then i'm not sure if that's what either needs - and so I instinctively just don’t care for anything that ignores the real difficulties they’d face.

there's also issues with racism in how sokka is mischaracterised as stupid (he's not) or the more emotional one (really, did we watch the same show) or how he thinks zuko is just a million times out of his league (especially when this trope talks about zuko's silky hair or pale skin i absolutely want to scream), as well as fetishising art where he's often more nude that really can make some zukka circles really really uncomfortable? like imo some fans definitely treat zukka like the red boy/blue boy ship from v*ltron and either grossly simplify or flat out ignore characterisation for them to fit certain stock m/m fandom archetypes, and a lot of this is tied up with racist fetishisation of visibly brown characters and fandom racism too. and yeah there's some visual similarity there but zuko and sokka are a thousand times more fleshed out? please don't reduce them to that bullshit. very much feels like the rise of zukka is a product of how fandom culture nowadays prioritises m/m far more than it did 10 years ago but has not at all attempted to address racism, misogyny, ableism, any kind of structural power dynamics that shape modern american/western culture and fan discussions

also? quite honestly i'm of the opinion that people should *not* be writing explicit sexual content about aged-up teenagers in community spaces where there's *tonnes* of minors and yet there is a plethora of explicit zukka fic in this revival and it leads to people just casually remarking about sexual roles of teenage characters around fucking. 15 year old kids. and the total lack of responsibility or even willingness to question whether this is appropriate by adults in this community drives me up the fucking wall. (zukka isn’t unique in this regard btw other ships do this too but it's been a reason for my growing discomfort). obvs teenagers do talk about sex themselves but they should do that amongst themselves and not with adult strangers in the figurative room? ffs.

i think on a more minor note now there's almost an over-saturation of content in the atla fandom to the extent that its drowning out other, more meaningful discussions about the characters or their equally/more important platonic dynamics, and that's frustrating to engage with.

like in theory, done well, with a delicate hand that respects the strength of their characters and dynamic, it's an A+ ship, but the content the fandom produces is sometimes really horrible. In fairness to zukka fans there have been attempts at accountability in at leas the circles i travel in, but there's way more to do in this regard.

(and also as a primarily f/f writer i do resent it a teeny tiny bit because of how much reception it receives for a pairing with little textual basis, and how that dwarfs femslash at the end of the day since a lot of the focus on m/m is fetishising or the readers just don't consider the autonomy or interiority of women as interesting).

anyway.

i feel like i have more to say but that is largely it r.e. zukka. very much taught me a ship is often as good as its fandom, but also taught me that i can read two works labelled zukka and they can have absolutely nothing in common beyond that because how good a ship in fic is reliant on what the author has done with it. i’ve read a lot zukka content i adore but i’ve also read a fair amount of zukka content that makes me deeply uneasy/uncomfortable. I still love it but i have a love-hate relationship with it to some extent.

[the-witchhunter]

DP x DC Ramble: Liminality

I feel like liminality is both overused and under utilized in this crossover

That’s not to say I dislike the concept, I quite like it in fact. The fact I like it is probably why I feel disappointed when people randomly add it and then not do anything with it, because it has so much storytelling potential. It can be such an interesting cool thing when examined, but it’s not often used that way.

This probably has more to do with my personal attitude towards storytelling. Often I like to be selective of elements I choose to add to a story. If I choose to add an element, I want to explore the implications and impact that specific element has on my story.

Liminal characters have some very interesting implications. How does it impact the character’s lives, how does it change how they view themself, what’s the negative impact it has etc. all sorts of ways that can be used to explore a character.

But that’s not always the type of story someone wants to tell, and that’s fine. Not every story has to focus on that kind of thing.

But if it’s included, there should be some acknowledgement of the implications, and a lot of times that just doesn’t happen. It’s added because other works have liminals, but nothing is done with it. Heck, I’m pretty convinced we’re not even talking about the same thing most of the time. Often you could just swap out liminal and ecto contaminated in some works and nothing is really changed.

If you can swap out the word liminal with anything else and it doesn’t change anything, then does it actually add something? Probably not

That’s why I think it’s both over used and underutilized. In some ways it’s treated as a buzzword, but actually exploring what liminality is and how it effects people can add so much to a story. And some people have done amazing things with the concept which is why it’s as prevalent as it is. I’m not saying don’t use it, but I’m suggesting that if it’s included then it should have an impact on the story. If it doesn’t affect the story, why include it?

Maybe I’m just being weird about this, but there’s something about the shift in how it’s treated that sticks out to me, and admittedly it’s hard to pin down why. Do I have a point? Hopefully

I’d really like to hear other people’s thoughts on this, whether or not you agree with me. I don’t want to poopoo people’s fun or discourage people from writing or creating content

[secretlyatargaryen]

On Tyrion and Religion

I was looking through some of my old posts and saw a post that was written in reaction to some people saying that Tyrion was a “dudebro atheist”, and at the time I couldn’t really articulate why I felt that that was wrong, but since then I have read some good writings articulating why the atheism of marginalized people is fundamentally different from that of angry privileged dudes on the internet. I think it’s similar to Tyrion’s relationship with his intelligence, or his sexuality, things that in fandom often get him branded a “dudebro,” but I’ve written before about how Tyrion’s pride in his intelligence or his eagerness to prove that he is a man and a sexual being come from a place of being denied those things as a disabled person. Tyrion’s feelings on religion seem to run on a spectrum from atheism to agnosticism to believing that there is a god or gods that personally hate him.

One interesting facet of this is the way that the gods in the religion of the seven are divided into different aspects, and this provides interesting analysis for several characters if we pay attention to how the characters relate to these different aspects. Tyrion is one such example. If we align the seven aspects to the people in Tyrion’s life, we get:

The Father = Tywin Lannister

The Father's face is stern and strong, he sits and judges right from wrong. He weighs our lives, the short and long,

This definitely describes Tywin as a presence in Tyrion’s life. Tywin is an extreme example of the stern, judgmental authority figure, and this figure in Tyrion’s life is entirely negative. Tyrion often compares Tywin to the Father, particularly in ADWD after Tyrion kills Tywin and Tywin becomes an almost god-like presence in Tyrion’s mind.

The Mother = Joanna

The Mother gives the gift of life, and watches over every wife. Her gentle smile ends all strife,

Joanna gave the gift of life to Tyrion, an act for which Tyrion was blamed because it resulted in her death. The death/life dichotomy is something that follows Tyrion wherever he goes. Which is part of the reason why Tyrion identifies himself as the Stranger, the personification of death. More on that later. I also think it’s interesting that the Mother is associated with watching over wives, since the other lost woman in Tyrion’s life is his first wife, Tysha, whom he could not protect, just as he had no control over the loss of his mother. And of course, Tyrion probably would have as a child fantasized about what his life would have been like if he had had a mother who would “end all strife” and smile at him gently.

The Warrior = Jaime

The Warrior stands before the foe, protecting us where e'er we go. With sword and shield and spear and bow,

Tyrion frequently thinks about Jaime as a warrior. Usually in the context of comparing himself unfavorably to his brother and envying Jaime’s martial prowess, but he also thinks of his brother as his protector, as when he says in AGOT and ADWD that Jaime was the only one in his life who took care of him when he was child, so therefore he trusts Jaime implicitly, or at least, did until ADWD. One of the interesting dichotomies about the Warrior is that he is both the protector and specifically the one prayed to when one asks for protection for warriors, as Jaime does in ACOK before the battle, praying for Jaime and himself.

The Maiden = 

The Maiden dances through the sky, she lives in every lover's sigh. Her smiles teach the birds to fly, and gives dreams to little children.

The Maiden is the idealization of the female as a romantic/sexual interest. She is provocative, yet sweet and innocent. There are a lot of characters who represent this for Tyrion: Tysha, Sansa, Penny. Although the maiden is largely a positive figure, this also has negative connotations for Tyrion because it reminds him of what he has lost and what he believes he cannot have, as a disabled person.

I don’t really have any mapping for the Smith or the Crone. As I said before, Tyrion is definitely the Stranger, though. There’s no stanza in the song for the Stranger, which I think is kind of disappointing because he could have easily been fit in there. Something like the Stranger hides his face in shadow, he watches us where’er we go, and gently calls when it’s time to go, to guide us to our final home. Is that too macabre?

The Stranger only appears once in Tyrion’s narrative, but it’s pretty significant, and appears after Tyrion lights a candle to the Warrior for Jaime before the Blackwater Battle:

At the Warrior's altar, he used one candle to light another. Watch over my brother, you bloody bastard, he's one of yours. He lit a second candle to the Stranger, for himself.

This tells us a lot about how Tyrion sees himself. I’m gonna also quote from the wiki of ice and fire entry about the Stranger:

The Stranger is one of the seven aspects of a single deity. Believers of the Faith of the Seven consider their god to be one with seven aspects, as the sept is a single building, with seven walls. The Stranger is an exception in that he is viewed in a negative light, with worshippers rarely praying to him.

The Stranger represents death and the unknown, and leads the dead to the other world. Whilst referred to as male, he is neither male nor female. The Stranger's face has been described as half-human, concealed beneath a hooded mantle. The wooden statue of the Stranger burnt on Dragonstone is carved to look more animal than human.

Worshippers rarely seek favor from the Stranger, but outcasts sometimes associate themselves with this aspect of god.

I’ve talked about how the other aspects above have negative connotations for Tyrion because of the societal ableism and abuse he has experienced. The Stranger is largely a negative entity who is rarely prayed to, although the wiki does note that sometimes outcasts pray to him, as Tyrion does. Note that the books also mention that people pray to the Stranger when they are close to death, and Tyrion could have been thinking about this as he prepares for Stannis’ attack on King’s Landing, in which he very well could die (and almost does). But I also think that Tyrion feels a kinship to the Stranger as someone who has spent his life as an outcast, and I think that is shown in the way that the text contrasts Tyrion lighting a candle for himself and the candle he lights for Jaime, saying to the Warrior that Jaime is “one of yours.” This implies that Tyrion thinks that he belongs to the Stranger. 

On one level, Tyrion has always had an association with death because he was supposed to have died soon after his birth, plus the fact that his birth caused his mother’s death. Often the existence of disabled people is treated as unnatural by able-bodied people because they are seen as being “close to death.” But some of the other characteristics of the Stranger fit Tyrion as well. The Stranger represents outcasts because he is related to the unknown, as mentioned above. In that sense he comes across as a fearful yet misunderstood figure. I also think it is interesting that the wiki notes that the Stranger is “neither male nor female,” and I’ve talked before about how one of the rumors about Tyrion, that he was born with both male and female genitalia, places him as a liminal figure and is used to emphasize his otherness in the eyes of others because of his disability. Tyrion is a liminal character who often is associated with halves and dichotomies, and so too the Stranger. He’s described as having a face that is “half-human.” Of course, Tyrion is known as a “half-man” and also has certain unique qualities about his facial features which are sometimes used to other him. His heterochromia is another instance of half/duality that make him something of a pariah. After the Blackwater Battle he loses “half his nose.” The “more animal than human” aspect also fits other people’s ableist perceptions of Tyrion, such as when Oberyn tells Tyrion that he was rumored to have animal-like features like claws and a tail, and Cersei’s dream in which Tyrion is covered in hair and behaving in a very animalistic way, or when multiple characters compare him to a monkey.

So while most of the time Tyrion seems to scoff at religion, when he does pray, I think he feels like the Stranger is the safest aspect to pray to when it comes to himself.

In ADWD we learn an interesting thing about Tyrion’s childhood that informs his stance on religion:

"The Father reached his hand into the heavens and pulled down seven stars," Tyrion recited from memory, "and one by one he set them on the brow of Hugor of the Hill to make a glowing crown."

Magister Illyrio gave him a curious look. "I did not dream my little friend was so devout."

“I knew I would not make a knight, so I decided to be High Septon. That crystal crown adds a foot to a man's height. I studied the holy books and prayed until I had scabs on both my knees, but my quest came to a tragic end. I reached that certain age and fell in love.”

I rarely see Tyrion’s thoughts about religion talked about in the context of him wanting to be high septon when he was a child. Usually I see people assume that Tyrion was purely motivated by the power it would give him. I think that’s a valid argument because it’s notable that Tyrion didn’t just want to be A septon, but hold the highest position in that category, since he could not excel in other areas where he could earn a high position and title. He also gives as his motivation that the “crown adds a foot to a man’s height” with his characteristic glib self-deprecation, but I do think there is more to it than that. I think that it’s interesting that he notes that what stops him from this career path is falling in love, and he of course is talking about his chance meeting with Tysha, which led to his marriage to her. I think part of the reason Tyrion decided on being high septon before that was a resignation to the idea that no one was going to love or want to be intimate with him. Both in the books and the show he describes himself as shy when he spends that first night with Tysha. There’s been tons of meta (many written by me) on the whole Tysha episode and what effect that had on Tyrion’s ability to see himself as worthy of love, but I think the idea that physical intimacy and romance were something out of reach for him existed long before Tysha. I’ve talked plenty of times about how Tyrion’s models for love before that were Tywin grieving for his wife (and blaming Tyrion on her death) and Jaime and Cersei’s highly narcissistic affair which would have emphasized to Tyrion how alone he was. I don’t think Tyrion ever saw himself in a romantic relationship before Tysha. After Tysha, he’s been both married and subjected to a huge amount of sexual trauma at a young age, so of course he can’t go back to a life of celibacy and prayer, and I think what happens with Tysha would be enough to shake anybody’s faith and turn them to cynicism.

Tyrion also relates to the gods in the ways that many characters do, asking the question if there are gods, why do they let bad things happen? This is usually tinged with Tyrion’s specific form of self-deprecation and internalized ableism, such as when he says that the gods “must have been drunk when they got to me.” It’s not really surprising that he thinks this, considering that, if we look back at the seven aspects above and how they appear in Tyrion’s life, the primary figures that are supposed to provide guidance and love are largely absent or abusive.

I’ve largely talked about the Seven because that’s what Tyrion was raised with and is familiar with, but he also has interactions with the Old Gods. It doesn’t crop up as much and doesn’t feature in his narrative the way the Seven does, of course, but he does have a similar feeling of trepidation towards the Old Gods.

He remembered their godswood; the tall sentinels armored in their grey-green needles, the great oaks, the hawthorn and ash and soldier pines, and at the center the heart tree standing like some pale giant frozen in time. He could almost smell the place, earthy and brooding, the smell of centuries, and he remembered how dark the wood had been even by day. That wood was Winterfell. It was the north. I never felt so out of place as I did when I walked there, so much an unwelcome intruder.

Tyrion’s reaction is not unlike the way several non-Stark characters react to the religion of the Old Gods, however it’s also not that different to the way he relates to the Seven, where he also sees himself as an outcast, only able to pray to the aspect of god that exists on the outskirts.

Tyrion takes a sort of reassurance in his aversion to religion because his association with it is so negative.

The old gods paid no more heed to prayer than the new ones, it would seem. Perhaps he should take comfort in that.

Tyrion is similarly dismissive of the Lord of Light, particularly with the insistence that he is a savior figure.

They chanted in the tongue of Old Volantis, but Tyrion had heard the prayers enough to grasp the essence. Light our fire and protect us from the dark, blah blah, light our way and keep us toasty warm, the night is dark and full of terrors, save us from the scary things, and blah blah blah some more.

He knew better than to voice such thoughts aloud. Tyrion Lannister had no use for any god, but on this ship it was wise to show a certain respect for red R'hllor.

It’s not surprising that someone who has been mistreated and subject to abuse and institutional discrimination would feel dismissive of the idea of divine protection. At the same time, sometimes people who have been marginalized go the other way and seek refuge in religion, and we see this in several characters in asoiaf as well. Tyrion’s journey to join forces with Dany has something of that flavor, as Dany is presented as an almost messianic figure herself and savior of the oppressed. I do think that, for all his cynicism, Tyrion does still have some hope in faith. Tyrion’s beleif in religion is sort of like his belief in magic, he makes several cynical remarks and mostly treats it as nonsense, but when it comes down to it he does still have that spark of wonder from his childhood. In ADWD he’s frequently haunted by the figure of the Father, but he’s also on his way to meet Dany, a mystic Mother figure. She’s also got dragons, another thing that represents Tyrion’s faith/belief in things that he can’t see, things that offer freedom and hope for people like him, but also things that caused him a great deal of pain in the past, especially in childhood, when they were used by others to crush him.

Tyrion’s feelings towards the divine are complex and have a lot to do with his disability, so, like most things with Tyrion, it’s pretty reductive and invalidating to claim that it’s the same thing as dudebro pseudo-intellectual sneering of the particularly annoying and entitled kind. I know what y’all mean but in general, someone’s faith or lack of faith is a pretty personal and individualized experience, so trying to make a judgment in order to invalidate someone’s theism or atheism is probably a bad idea anyway, but it’s especially bad for considering people in an intersectional way.

[mysteriesofloves]

I would love to hear your thoughts on 4x18! ( PS I have loved your reviews so far and I just want to say that you fastforwarding past Ben’s face is 1000% valid bc I do it too but my essay on why I hate the story arc is for another day) (PPS also your fics are amazing!)

i have a love/hate relationship with this episode because it’s this weird liminal space post-w arc and pre-royalty arc, where the writers tried to retcon blair’s feelings for dan for the sake of plot but then continued to not do a very good job at that - this is also due to leighton just being the best, because when dan “confirms” (lies) that the kiss didn’t mean anything, there’s a moment where blair looks genuinely disappointed before recovering with a joke. as much as said retconning irks me to no end, this episode is exemplary in character growth for both dan and blair. they do a great job of showing that chuck really wasn’t listening to a single thing blair wanted, and that no matter how many times he said he just wants her to be happy, his actions continuously show he only wants her to be happy with him. he tries to buy blair’s love back with that dress, (edit: which calls back to the season 2 finale) with this romanticized idea of them, the woman behind the man and all that. “you’re not supposed to kiss him” juxtaposes great against “your prince is out there, it might not be me” just as a way to show the base difference between the characters, and also their place as love interests and how they treat blair. actually, that’s the entire point of this episode, exhibiting that difference. from dan’s little speech about who blair really is, i think what goes over dan’s head there is that, that’s who blair is with him. she’s vulnerable and intelligent and intuitive because he gives her the space to be, the platform to be.

and, not to keep droning on about the retconning, but i remember there being this livejournal post on how the entirety of season 4 foreshadowed dan being the “prince in disguise” and while that narrative still works well, even through season 5, i just reallyyy wish this arc had ended differently. what’s really important is that after all this exactly one season later they fuck in an elevator.

[mi5014ellawatson]

PDF - Pipes 

1 - Marks Upbringing 

When I first read the story Pipes I really resonated with and liked the main character. I felt he was someone who had been overlooked and underestimated for being slightly different. He had a life that others viewed as simple but that didn't at all make it any less meaningful or important. He didn't see the bad in people or see what was ‘wrong’ with them like others did. Others also saw what was, in their opinion, wrong with him. He was born and grew in in Dudley, and was from a woking class family. He is close with his mam but his relationship with his dad is difficult, he see’s him as not independent or ‘man’ enough. His mam is quite protective of him and he still lives at home. He doesn't have many friends, his mam being his closest friend but he does talk with the other guys at work in the pipe factory (though they do pick on him a little, not exactly great friends). He is nostalgic of his childhood when things were simpler, people didn't view him as behind or different. 

2-3  - Mark 

I struggled coming up with a name but Mark for some reason just stuck with me. Mark likely has Aspergers Syndrome (though not diagnosed) He likes plain and safe food choices that remind him of being younger, going to the seaside and paddling/swimming in the sea and he dislikes uncomfortable and itchy clothes and maths. He finds the seaside calming, its open and vast. He works in the Pipes factory near his house and takes pride in his work, he likes being good at specific things and perfecting what he is passionate about. He also likes the shapes of pipes, you can look inside them and see cool dots of lights at the end, they make an interesting noise and you can shape them however you want if you have the skills to do so. 

4-5 - Modelling and Colour Palette 

I really enjoyed modelling Mark, I was actually surprised by it because I thought I would find 3D modelling incredibly difficult and tedious. It wasn't at all easy, but I was surprised that I managed to do it. Its definitely not perfect, the hands and feet are pretty bad and we won't talk about his underwear (please just ignore it as best you can) but overall I actually like his face and torso. I did use Egon Schiele as inspiration, I love the body shapes Schiele uses in his work, the angular somewhat unwell looking elongated and almost awkward looking figures. This is how I imagine Mark, plus he doesn't eat that well. As for the colour palette I found it got slightly brighter the further through the project I got. Maybe its because I got some new crayola pencils for Christmas (100 colours not to brag) but I think mainly is because I started taking photographs on my dads old film camera and liked the bright and bold and solid colours that it captured once we had the photos developed. It made me think of when I was little and the bright colours I relate with nostalgia. I also liked that Mark didn't see the issue of a boy with no ears, this lead me onto looking into imperfections and the textures and hyperpigmented colours that imperfect skin has. I love seeing the yellow and purple under peoples eyes, the red around spots and the purples on the end of old mens noses, I think its really beautiful so I tried to capture this in my colour palette and UV map. 

6-7 - UV Mapping and Rigging

I started to UV map my model once it was completed and did find it pretty tricky, I had some issues with unfolding where the computer would crash upon using the tool. I talked to Gary a little about this and it seems it was due to the model having some 3 sides shapes. I tried to fix these but in the end it just kept happening on the head even when I couldn't find any more 3 sided shapes. After this I just unfolded and mapped whatever I could and just didn't unfold the head map. This has led to some stretching on the top of his head but at least it isn't an area with more detail where it'd be very noticeable. I used the charcoal brushes on procreatre to create a mottled skin look and selected colours from my colour palette, I really like the charcoal brush as they blend nicely together. Rigging the character seemed really easily but then again it clearly did not work so maybe I just did it wrong. I used Garys tutorial and the ultimate skeleton rig and it actually fit my character pretty well already. I didn't need to move it too much. I found creating the skin cage a little tricky as his fingers are very skinny meaning it was tricky to hide the cage completely but I did get there in the end. I also then learned that you can hide the cage afterwards as it initially was showing up on my renders. 

8 - Posing and Liminal Space 

Upon posing my character I knew I wanted him to be falling from the pipe to the space below - somewhere safer and comforting that he was longing for. It wasn't exactly a scary or painful fall, of course it hurt but it seemed better than the alternative. There was not masses of examples of people falling in the way that I imagined so I mainly just freely posed it and held my arms in the pose I was imaging but I did find some okay examples on pinterest. I also had this idea of liminal space in my head that I couldn't shake. I liked the familiarity involved in the idea of liminal space - somewhere we all slightly recognise and feel comfortable with, adding to the feeling of nostalgia and longing for comfort, safety and childhood.

9-10 - Second Character 

I know less about my second character but I feel like she ended up in this space for similar reasons. Loneliness, a longing for the past and additionally a feeling of being out of time. Growing up she was what everyone longed to be, young to find a partner and marry, young to have children, a bit of a beauty queen, smart and charismatic too. But thats the past, her husband drinks and doesn't treat her very well anymore. Her children are grown up and she has grandchildren but they don't get to see each other anymore. She didn't work and feels empty now, longing for a time that has now passed. 

11 - Self Directed Model Making 

I knew that over christmas I wanted to work on my own model making because I feel that I may want to go into character design or stop motion model. I thought this was a perfect opportunity to do both. I decided to use polymer clay  because even though it isn't typically used in stop motion due to it not being flexible I thought it was my best option as it'd give me a good solid base to paint ontop of. I used wool, brushed out with a cat brushed and curled for the hair and acrylic paint and pencil for the skin and colour. I tried to capture similar colours to my 3D model so that they look like they could come from the same story/world. I really enjoyed making it and plan on doing more after hand in. 

[hawkland]

For the fandom asks: 6,10,11,24 :)

6. Favorite movies of the year

To be honest I watched very few movies this year (as in general unless something looks interesting and is free on streaming), and even fewer that were actually released this year. But if I had to pick out one 2020 release that stuck with me, even though I can’t say I have any burning desire to rewatch it, it’s Vivarium. That film was creepy as FUCK and if anything was going to re-enforce my childfree status, it’s that film. Also it’s liminal as hell and I’ve become really fascinated of late with the idea of liminal spaces...I think I always have been without knowing what it meant (a lot of my earlier surreal watercolor paintings definitely were trying to capture liminal feelings and places.)

I also enjoyed watching The Old Guard but didn’t end up really developing fannish feelings for it. While I liked Joe/Nicky in concept, the way it seemed to develop as a fannish ship and drown out all other possibilities kind of...made me wary of getting involved. It just didn’t give me that certain something I need to go from enjoying a source to becoming truly fannish about it. Maybe when the sequel comes out and we get more canon development of the characters? 

10. Biggest fandom disappointment of the year

Ugh, this is a toss up between SVU and The Good Doctor. SVU pissed me off SO MUCH with the premiere episode this fall and the dumbass way they claimed to incorporate covid-19 protections, while being so willy-nilly about mask usage and social distancing. I literally have not been able to watch any episodes since the Season 21 premiere. I was so enraged by first episode I was yelling at the tv and Mr. Hawkland had to tell me to be quiet so he could try to figure out the plot - and it is usually the reverse in our household. I just...as a health care worker I just can’t with the bullshit with them ripping masks on and off with no rhyme or reason because they think we won’t be able to follow the action and emotions if the actors are behind masks.  I hated it. I used to say I’d stick with SVU as long as Ice-T was still there but now I’m not sure. I don’t know if I’ll try to watch the rest of the new episodes and honestly, I’m probably the one person in SVU fandom who gives no shits about Barba returning because I was never a Barba fan to begin with. If anything that makes me less likely to watch because I feel like the fandom’s gonna become a clusterfuck over it, like 

The Good Doctor? I gave up on at the end of Season 3 when they decided to go with the Shaun/Lea romance after all. After the way he threatened her violently, after she rejected him, and after the shitty way he treated Carly, I just lost all ability to be sympathetic to Shaun and interested in what happened next. (There were also aspects of Shaun and Carly’s relationship and the way they portrayed it that felt really...creepy and icky to me? Like emphasizing Shaun’s childlike nature in many ways while putting SO much emphasis on their sex life, like...ew.) Also killing off Melendez who I really liked and just...ugh. I always kind of half hate-watched the show but by the Season 3 finale it was pure hate and I realized that there was no joy any more in trying to keep going with the show. And yet I’ve heard they actually handled covid pretty well, but that’s not enough to make me want to go back.

11. Biggest squee moments of the year 

Getting to see Oysterhead perform live back in February was definitely a dream come true, something to check off the bucketlist and I’m SO DAMN GLAD that happened before covid hit badly and the rest of the shows of the tour got postponed. I consider myself EXTREMELY LUCKY that I got to those two shows out in Colorado. Actually I got to see Stewart Copeland 2 weekends in a row - in Pittsburgh first for the Satan’s Fall premiere and then with Oysterhead right after that. 

Beyond that just getting into Gorillaz fandom has been a huge ball of squee, culminating with the video for “The Lost Chord” which was just pure gold for this 2Doc shipper. 

24. Fandom resolutions for next year

I would like to be more productive writing-wise again. This year more of my creative energies went into painting as it was something I found easier to do/focus on in this hellhole shitworld of 2020.  At minimum I’d like to say I won’t end up defaulting on any exchanges I sign up for (though I only defaulted on one in 2020, and that was because Fic in the Box took up all of my brainpower so I couldn’t even complete something short for Trick or Treat.)

I’d like to say I’ll finish/pick up again on one of my series/WIPs that have been sitting unloved in my google docs most of this year, if not longer, but it’s always hard to say where inspiration will lead me.