#really bad sex

[tavyliasin]

BG3 FicFeb NSFW - Day 6

Technically it's past midnight my time but you'll forgive me for being late won't you? I'd say I'll make it worth your while, but I know what I just wrote~ Smut below the cut and CW for really bad sex, the worst most awkward sex, but trust me there's a reason.

Day 6 - Tav/Durge Spends the Night with the Drow Twins

Tav was…curious. She had found plenty of partners across Faerun so far, and indulged in many a delightful encounter. From her most beloved elves who held her heart in their hands as surely as her body, to a devil and his incubus, even a mindflayer - visiting a drow in a brothel seemed almost scandalously plain. And that’s exactly what was interesting about it now.

The madam had offered some generous discounts, and although she had almost brought Halsin and Astarion with her, the former had made time for a quiet chat. His concern for that latter not unfounded. Astarion might be slowly healing, becoming more confident and reclaiming pleasure for himself, but he was not ready for an orgy with the drow. The courage of his words were a poor match for the reality of his heart.

And so Tav strolled into the lounge alone. “A new face! Looking for another chapter of dirty lore for your autobiography?” Sorn’s greeting was dripping with seduction, but it only brought a laugh bubbling up from Tav. “Has something entertained you, dear?” 

“Have you read it?” She managed, through another burst of giggles. 

“Read what?” His eyebrow raised further, somewhere between annoyed and perplexed. 

“My autobiography - well it’s more like a diary, really, but Volo wants me to publish it later.” She pulled it from her bag. “Here, take a look - I’d love to hear what an expert makes of my little adventures.” 

“Well if it’s an expert you want, you have certainly come to the right place.” The drow smiled, the expression soon dropping to one of bewildered amazement as he thumbed through the pages. Each was filled with neat handwriting, detailing the rather explicit encounters Tav had found across the Sword Coast so far. “Good gods, that title was no joke - this really is a “Guide to Fucking Across Faerun” alright. A vampire, a cambion - no, wait, two cambions, a mindflayer… You…you had sex with an incubus and lived?!”

Tav wasn’t sure if he was horrified, impressed, jealous, or some blend of all three, but she couldn’t help but smirk as she took the book back from his hands. “I can introduce you to them, if you like, but they might be a little much even for you.” 

“Well, dear,” he cleared his throat, trying to regain a little of his composure and reputation, “I am usually sought out for being the more adventurous choice here. My sister is unfortunately preoccupied this afternoon, but I assure you my Menzoberranzan Love Trick is not to be missed. Come hither, I have a room upstairs. Perhaps when you are satisfied, I might be permitted to read a few more of those saucy details~” 

“We’ll see.” She smiled, handing over the coin without another word and following his subtly swaying hips up the stairs to the private room.

—

Once inside, she beckoned the drow close, whispering directly into his pointed ear with a voice dripping with sarcastic lust. “Let’s have the most boring sex imaginable.” 

He stepped back, a slight blush rising in blue-grey cheeks, red eyes sparkling with renewed interest. “Oh, you are sinful…it isn’t often I’m surprised by a request.”

“Well, I wouldn’t want to bore you with something mundane like BDSM or an orgy.”

“Perish the thought, this will be interesting…” He moved closer, at first beginning to touch her with experienced hands that knew all the right places until he caught her eye and remembered - it would take effort to be bad at something he was clearly an expert in. 

Tav moved her head the wrong way three times as they attempted to kiss, finally meeting with a clash of teeth and the most horrifyingly slobbery tangling of tongues that she could imagine. Sorn’s hands grasped clumsily at the fastenings of her outfit, tugging in the wrong directions even as they continued to awkwardly mash their faces together.

“Oh my dear, I adore how your breasts bounce so boobily when I toy with them~” He crooned, mashing his palms against her chest with all the grace and finesse of an ogre attempting fine embroidery. “Yes, I can tell how much you love it, kitten, you are so very bad.” 

Tav gave as good as she got, faking the most ridiculous moans she could muster, clumsily stumbling back towards the bed as his tongue caressed her neck like an over-excited dog finding its favourite toy. “Yes, just like that, lay me down so I can stare up at you blankly and refuse to move a muscle.” She did at least shuffle off her clothes for him before laying down.

He followed suit, hovering over her before making a mess of her chest with his mouth this time, his hands pressing her legs apart with clumsy haste until he could plunge a single finger inside. All idea of technique was nowhere to be seen, one digit thrusting with only speed as the goal. “Oh you like that, don’t you, kitten? You like how fast I can go, are you going to call out my name for me?” 

“Yes!” She cried, in an exaggerated show of complete fake pleasure. “More, harder, go on!” 

He continued a while, until Tav’s chest was cold and damp from saliva. It wasn’t particularly pleasurable for her, but seeing the drow fully indulge and enjoying himself was a satisfaction of its own. If she were honest, she didn’t have a great lust that needed sating tonight. It was simply nice to have the promise of a quiet bed to rest in when they were done, an interesting story to tell, and hopefully some actually fascinating conversations once the curtains closed on this little act. 

Still, by the time he positioned himself above her, entering with at least a little warmed oil to make up for the lack of arousal, there was a base feeling of pleasure from being filled. His now quiet voice above her, still in the performance of an amateur refusing to voice any hint of enjoyment from the act, was gratifying in its own way. 

She could feel, through the plain thrusts that lacked proper rhythm, bodies awkwardly colliding like the first time she had fumbled with an inexperienced lover, that he was genuinely in the heat of the moment. Given his profession, and his rather bold claims, this really did seem to be the most devious and sinful sex he could’ve imagined. 

It didn’t even last long, as Sorn suddenly and quietly announced his end, allowing her just a bare moment to put on the same overt and dramatic fake panting and wailing. As soon as he was finished, he lay down beside her, pale hair a mess on the pillow behind him.

“That was…incredible.” He smiled, a genuine expression now rather than the charm he put on in the bar for the clients. “I would almost suggest that I roll over and sleep loudly for the rest of the night, but truth be told that would be doing you a disservice. Come, let me at least thank you properly over in the bath, then we can talk more about your adventures and this incubus friend of yours.” Tav grinned, standing to follow him across the room. “Haarlep? Oh I think you’re going to get along perfectly. You see, there’s this deal they can offer you…”

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[pangur-and-grim]

one thing that took me embarrassingly long to learn is "sometimes when people say things, they will not be true."

I used to tell people about this revelation and they'd be like yeah.....duh.....but like, why wouldn't my base assumption be that you're communicating to me in a straightforward manner. anyway, I get scammed a lot.

[welcometogrouchland]

Extremely bad batgirls comic I made featuring Steph's sex life and Cass' ability to read everything but the room

[pixl-place]

i don’t want to add to the discourse but as much as people wanna argue on here about ace Vik and all that shit it’s honestly been really nice seeing so much fanfic and smut that actually acknowledges disabled conditions and makes accommodations for them like usually disabled characters are cast aside or their disabilities are cast aside and smut is written with them completely fine or they’re just considered unfuckable and that they aren’t dating anyone or they’re labeled as ace (which is a big reason why i don’t like that headcanon for Vik personally i think the claim for the creator comes from an inherent place of homophobia and prejudice) so it’s been really cool to see so much representation and no one ignoring especially Vik’s disabilities but Jayce’s leg as well like yeah put your little gay ship in braces together and then they kiss and fuck nasty !!

[araneapeixes]

girls night!!:) Check out my Patreon for the full pic mwah. or alternatively matching profile pics for u and the bestie

[trans-leek-cookie]

yknow what. I wanna say: CSA and COCSA survivors are all incredible, but I also wanna give a shout out to ppl who were exposed to sexual stuff or had any kind of sexual experience as a kid that they either aren't comfortable labelling as or don't consider abuse, but they know it still fucking sucked and shouldnt have happened. Even if that changes later in life and you identify as a victim/surivor, it can be messy to have to imagine those labels applying to the ppl in ur life and that can take time.

The most important thing is to prioritize your recovery + health, and to support other victims + survivors.

[borgialucrezia]

JUAN: *yapping about wanting her to choose a wife for him and give her blessing* LUCREZIA: *plotting hundreds of scenarios on how to kill him*

[cldflsh]

remake of an old post of mine!! i love the idea that barry likes to mess with joe like this lol. but also he is not joking.

[lazylittledragon]

Random thought/question: what would your Tavs/Durge and their significant others like... legit fight about? Not bicker, not argue, but actually get mad and say things they don't mean and have to cool off and talk about it later when calmer heads prevail and they're able to apologize without it sounding forced?

this is such a great question that i needed a whole 24 hours to think about it akdhdjhd

i think gale and cyra probably have small things blow out of proportion (because honestly. kids and work and Tired) and then a Lot of stuff they haven't talked about comes up and it ends with 'how the fuck did forgetting to change the bedsheets turn into This'

i actually feel like dorian and astarion are pretty good 90% of the time but sometimes one of them is in a bad place and is like 'i actually really need to be left alone with this thing right now and i don't want to talk about it' and maybe they're not always great at taking the hint

ashe and halsin have never had a fight ever

[fascinationstreetmp3]

the lamb smiling up at the wolf with unsettling passivity etc etc

[queeraang]

sometimes, you dislike a piece of media that is very popular and objectively well made. the popularity of it will only make it more annoying to you. now, the solution is not to then comb through a thing you don’t like to see if you can find something problematic to harp on to prove it's actually bad (you will find it, no human being has ever created perfectly inclusive perfectly inoffensive art) that just tanks the vibe and discourages new art because what's the point if it can never be perfect, also sometimes you spin out of control and start accusing people of real life crimes over like... a niche webseries

as someone with over three decades of 'bad taste' under their belt, allow me to guide you on best responses using a real life example of a popular film series, i couldn't give less of a fuck about. the nolan batman trilogy

block, mute, blacklist, whatever you have to do to avoid seeing this thing on your preferred webbed sites

allow yourself a quiet “ugh this shit” when things slip through the cracks

pick a neutral element of the thing to dislike when people ask “i’m not really a batman fan" "i like more lighthearted superhero movies"

when inevitably someone can't BELIEVE you don't LOVE the best thing EVER MADE, you make it boring to talk about "yeah couldn't get into it" "it's just not my thing"

it also helps if you admit that it is good (i'm so sorry) just not good to you. the metaphor i use is gordon ramsey could make the most immaculate mushroom risotto ever made, but it's still not going to taste good if you don't like mushrooms

change the subject/leave the convo. i don't sit around listening to ppl talk about the dark knight, i ignore the gc for a few minutes, i go get a drink irl, if it's one on one i go "no, but you know i did like birds of prey, have you seen that?"

if someone really won't let up, stop talking to them! a guy who always wants to talk about how i should watch batman is a fucking weird guy to know

vent about this with like minded people SPARINGLY, too much and you'll fall down the "and everyone who does like it is morally bankrupt" hole

crucially, don't do this to other people for stuff you like. you're not the arbiter of taste, your "best movie ever" could be someone else's "if i have to hear about that shit again i'll scream"

like i'm sure i could figure out ways the dark knight trilogy is racist/ableist/etc if i really examined it, but like... i would so much rather just NOT WATCH THREE MOVIES I DON'T FUCKING LIKE

[strangersteddierthings]

The thing is, Steve has learned, that becoming untouchable isn't all he wants it to be.

People were too quick to try and reach out for him, ask for more than he was willing to give. He hadn't wanted to give up his first kiss to some random girl at some random boy's twelfth birthday party because of spin the bottle. He hadn't wanted to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with Jenny Jackson or Linda Simons at Tommy's birthday party the following year. He did want to take Mary Linscott to Snow Ball, but she just wanted to make out behind the bleachers instead of dance with him. He didn't want to do that but then Brian called him stupid for not wanting to, and asked if he was queer. So, Steve had turned right back around and dragged Mary back under the bleachers, kissing her until it was time to go to prove Brian wrong.

(Even though Steve knows Brian isn't wrong. That Steve had wanted to ask Brian to the dance as much as he'd wanted to ask Mary but knew better than to do that. He saw how they treated Eddie Munson last year for the suspicion of liking other boys and Steve wasn't going to let that happen to himself.)

Brian had congratulated him after and asked what base he got to. Steve didn't want to get to any bases, but he couldn't say that, so he just punched Brian in the arm and said 'more bases than you' which was true because Brian's date didn't kiss him even once.

Then Carol Perkins approached him at lunch, shortly after Snow Ball, and asked if Steve would be her first kiss. Not because she wanted to kiss Steve, but because she wanted to kiss Tommy H, but didn't want to be bad at kissing. Steve agreed because he liked Carol. Not in the way she liked Tommy, but mostly because she'd asked.

No one had done that yet.

She came over to his house on a Saturday because she didn't want Tommy to catch them and think she didn't like him. They made out in his room because, despite his parents being home, they didn't really care who was in his room with him or if the door was open or shut. Probably didn't even notice he had someone over. She leaves an hour later.

By Tuesday Tommy and Carol are an item and by Friday they were Steve's best friends.

However, for reasons Steve doesn't understand, more girls keep asking him to be their first kiss. And maybe it's because he's already got a reputation, or maybe Carol let slip he'd said yes when she asked, but Steve finds himself kissing a lot of girls he doesn't want to. He doesn't know how to say no. Can't find a reason too. Brian's words play in the back of his mind every time he thinks about saying no.

(Are you stupid? Are you queer? He doesn't want to be either of those things, and given his grade in biology and pre-algebra, he's really only got a hope of avoiding the queer label. His father would tolerate a stupid son. He doesn't think he'd survive if his father had a queer one.)

There are a few girls he's been crushing on that ask him and that was nice. One, Alice Baker, even becomes his girlfriend for a month. His first relationship.

Soon eighth grade gives way to being a freshman and Steve, who has always been handsome and cute, catches the eye of upperclassmen now.

And Steve's not sure how it happens, but he ends up moving past first base with another girl whose name he can't remember, or possibly never knew. He doesn't remember asking her for hers when she led him into one of the bedrooms at the house this party was at while he was way too tipsy.

And then it just grows. The reputation and what people expect from him, and he doesn't want it, but he's never said no before so can he start now? Doesn't he need a reason to say no? If he doesn't have a reason, does that make him queer? He should be wanting this. What boy doesn't want this?

And maybe he does want it. But not like this.

He doesn't want to be slightly drunk at yet another party, following the first girl that grabs his wrist and pulls him after her into whatever secluded area they can find. He doesn't want to keep saying yes when he wants to say no.

The summer between freshman and sophomore year he confides in Carol. It's a risk. Carol can be cruel, quick with her words to tear you down, to spread the rumor that will ruin your life. But she's also fiercely loyal.

He tells her he's tired of kissing people he doesn't want to.

Carol is quiet for a long time, and Steve almost thinks he's made a mistake. But then she speaks.

"Okay. Let's make a plan."

And they do. Then suddenly Steve is untouchable. Carol teaches him how to see the weakness in people and call it out. How to wield his facial expressions as a weapon and a shield. How to put on the air of being the most important person everywhere you go so well that everyone else begins to believe it. How to fall back on the fact his parents are rich, gone often, and, almost most importantly, well known in the community. It gives Steve's name a weight to throw around.

More importantly, all of that culminates in people no longer asking things of him. Instead, they look to him to take the lead, they wait to be asked. It makes Steve feel in charge of his life for once.

But now.

Now, years later, having survived a spring break from Hell and averted the apocalypse, Steve watches Eddie hang off Argyle with ease, fling an arm over Jonathan's shoulder while laughing at a joke, easily pull Dustin into a headlock or wrestling match.

Easy touches that Steve should be able to do, too. A jealousy wells inside him almost as much as the unease he feels in his stomach at the mere thought of letting them know they're allowed to reach out and touch him, too. That Eddie's allowed to reach out and touch.

But then he remembers what happened when he let people have that power over him and he can't bring himself to do it.

It settles in Steve, then, the realization. When you become untouchable, you're unable to touch.

-

@nburkhardt @i-less-than-three-you adding my own lil bit of angst into the mix now (:

[batcavescolony]

just saw someone say Rick Riordan making a TV show is just as bad as anything JKR has done. BFFR you're comparing Rick Riordan trying to make his world more inclusive, changing some parts because of money/time constraints, or just making changes cus he thinks they're needed, to JKR being a terrible person!

[sunsbleeding]

Girl (me to me) you fell in love with a grown ass man with no car and buck teeth, who is a known cheater and liar, wtf were you expecting!!?!??!!

[annabelle--cane]

say it with me everybody: personal health is completely immaterial to morality, including mental health. leading a mentally unhealthy lifestyle (or what you perceive as a mentally unhealthy lifestyle) does not a bad person make. no one has to socialize, exercise, have healthy coping mechanisms, or lead (what you perceive as) a fulfilling life with fulfilling hobbies in the same way that no one has to go to the doctor to get a broken bone reset. both of those types of management of personal health are likely to be beneficial to the individual, but they are in no way moral requirements or debts owed to society. they do not actually say anything about a person's principles, personality, or actions towards others. additionally, people know themselves and their own situations better than you do. maybe a person judges that the physical and financial toll of going to the doctor outweigh the benefit of getting their bone reset, maybe a person just does not have the capacity to develop healthy coping mechanisms at this point in their life, and yes, maybe a person feels like they are totally fulfilled by "media based" hobbies alone and would feel no difference in their life if they picked up a loom. just like. let people be sick without accusing them of being representative of the lazy, degenerated state of modern society.