#rape attempted

[moonturtlephilosophy]

I think one of the biggest drivers in the "transandrophobia discourse" is that the women/transfems who are currently going after transmascs, belive that men have some inherent qualities. The flavor changes depending on who is talking, but it's always one of them: bioessencialism, genderessencialism, sexessencialism, ect.

Newsflash: feminism includes everyone and strives to free ALL from these societal systems. As soon as you exclude literally anyone, you're not a feminits anymore. Even if that group is cis, white, hetero, able-bodied, upperclass men. They are not opressed by this system, but they sure are affected! And need to be included in femminist discussion. Both about their struggles with patriarchy and capitalism AND about preventative measures for rape, SA, sexism, ect. (How they cause harm through perpetuation of harmfull systems. That they did not put in place. Literally just please give men a space to deconstruct these systems for themselves. They are not gonna 100% see themselves in theory made by women and thats ok. That doesn't make them automatically evil.)

[2chopsticks2eyes]

Numb

(Part Two)

This is part two of a multiple part series, please be sure to start from part one!

(Part One) | (Part Two)

2chopsticks2eyes - Masterlist

Pairing: Lee Minho/Lee Know x Fem Reader

Themes: Angst, (Smut), (Fluff)

Word Count (all parts): ~21.8k | AO3

Summary: You were penniless and working tirelessly at a seedy club when you were assaulted. As soon as you resigned yourself to your fate, Lee Minho saved you, albeit grudgingly. You received treatment and you didn’t have to pay them a dime under one condition: You must be confined to his home for the remainder of your recovery.

Author’s Note:

***IMPORTANT!!!*** THIS STORY IS FILLED WITH TRIGGER WARNINGS. THIS SECOND PART DOES NOT CONTAIN THOSE TRIGGERS, BUT IT IS IMPLIED AND REFERENCED. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ TAGS AND WARNINGS AT BEGINNING OF PART ONE BEFORE PROCEEDING.

The overall plot line was based off a recommendation from @linoots from Tumblr (I received permission from them to write this type of content)

(I’ve missed you all dearly. So sorry it’s taken so long 🥺)

__________________________________________

You silently watched as the doctor removed the IV that had been pumping fluids into your body for the past 48 hours and you rubbed the uncomfortable bandage he replaced it with.

You refused to make eye contact with him. In fact, you did not look or talk to anybody since you woke up in that same home-hospital room you had grown accustomed to. Not Chris, not Felix, and definitely not Minho.

You were a shell of your former self and you didn’t know if you were upset or relieved that you were revived. You didn’t know what to make of it. But now, there was one emotion you knew that burned brighter than your numbness.

Anger.

You couldn’t quite believe Felix’s words when he said that Minho was the one who came to your rescue… again…

But that was preposterous. The bastard probably told the younger man to say that to make himself look better… Whatever, fuck it all.

You allowed yourself to be led back to your room to get some rest. However, when Felix left and Minho walked in, you fortified your walls even further. You felt your face turn sour with each passing moment without even looking at the man and you rolled over in bed so your back was facing him.

There was a long pause of silence that seemed to drag on for hours.

You finally heard a long sigh and then the sound of him plopping down into the chair by your bed. “You know…” He started, and you squeezed your eyes shut. “There’s a reason I bothered to do all of this...”

You tried your hardest to ignore him, but you couldn’t control the fact that his words piqued your interest, your ears already tuned-in to his velvety voice.

“Not just this time, but… the reason I brought you here in the first place.” After a moment of silence, he realized you weren’t going to respond, so he huffed in frustration. “Forget it.”

You suddenly heard the door open and you peered over your shoulder. Without turning to face you, he blankly said, “You are now required to have 24/7 supervision, congratulations.”

And with that, the man walked out while Felix walked in, a meek smile on his face and hands full with baked goods.

“In the mood for cookies?” You sighed and just returned to your side as you balled up in a mess of frustration and confusion under the covers, mind still tingling with the thought of what Minho was going to say.

__________________________________________

“I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Felix. I’m a grown woman.”

Felix just huffed, obviously sick and tired of your complaints. “You know why it’s this way, sweetie. Don’t blame me for doing my job.”

The topic was a constant now. He was obviously there for your physical therapy, but he was also everywhere else. You loved the man, you did, but there is only so much time you could stand without a little alone time!

You wanted to watch TV? He was there. You wanted to nap? He was there. You couldn’t even go to the bathroom without having to leave the door open so he ‘has access to you at all times’. Thank god he stayed outside while you did your business…

After a week of this bullshit, you decided to do something about it…

Throughout your exploration of the house, you found some rooms with names on them. Evidently the ones that Minho once said were strictly prohibited. A couple of the rooms had names you were completely unfamiliar with, but others, you remembered well. Chan, Felix, Jisung, Seungmin, Jeongin, and finally some large double-doors with the initials L.M.

Lee Minho.

The man had supposedly been ‘out on business’ the entire week, but you knew for sure he had come back today with all of the ruckus of the house staff.

So, when you were positive that Felix had finally passed out on the sofa in your room for the night, you, as quietly as humanly possible, snuck out of the room and tip-toed down the hallway and downstairs to the doors you knew by heart now.

The room was surprisingly extremely secluded and you thanked the heavens because you knew for sure you wouldn’t be able to keep cool once he was in sight. You were fully prepared to bang your fist all the way through Minho’s door to meet the man himself if that’s what it took, but as you raised your fist to knock, the door suddenly opened.

Well… shit…

You really didn’t want to admit it, you really didn’t, but… the sight before you was absolutely, without a doubt, mouth watering. He looked just as surprised as you, but you found yourself focused on something other than his face for once…

The man was completely shirtless, pajama pants riding low on his hips and revealing the prominent V of his abdomen. Speaking of abdomen, the dude was of course ripped. Well, maybe not Dr. Chris (Or Christopher, or Chan, or what the fuck ever you want to call him) kind of ripped, but enough to make your eyes bulge out and glue themselves to every inch of impeccably toned abs and pecs.

And another thing that stood out in particular was the sleeve of tattoos twisting and swirling around the upper half of his right arm. You had only seen him in button-ups thus far and, even if he rolled up his sleeves, you somehow hadn’t ever noticed it. You were usually hyper-focused on his face, but at that moment, all you could see was the vast amount of skin on display.

You swallowed the lump in your throat.

“What are you doing here?” His stern words snapped you back to reality and you had to rapidly blink to regain a semblance of consciousness.

What am I doing? You shivered and grimaced at yourself for your intrusive thoughts before meeting his eyes.

“Uh-uhh I–” You halted your words when you noticed he was clutching something on his side. Curiosity got the better of you and you peered around his towering frame to see a soiled and basically useless bandage dripping with blood. “Holy shit! Are you alright?!” You said stepping towards him instinctively, catching yourself once he tensed and stepped back, correcting his posture as if to defend himself.

Psh, what could you possibly do to him? You couldn’t even defend yourself…

He glanced at the cloth he was currently pressing to his side and made a disgruntled noise. “I’m fine.” He said with a curt and slightly annoyed huff. “Why don’t you have anyone watching you right now?” He grumbled, obviously frustrated as he looked around behind you in search of your babysitter.

You furrowed your brows, still peeved but also worried about the still-bleeding wound on his side. “I had to sneak away because I don’t necessarily appreciate being babysat like a fucking child! Now you need to refresh that bandage before it gets infected!” You borderline shouted.

You could almost feel the daggers he shot at you with his eyes pierce through your flesh. “I said I’m fine! Now go back to be– Hey!”

You cut his sentence off short when you saw a first aid kit that looked like it had been through war and back on a small table behind him before you marched your way in, not giving two flying fucks that you were invading his room. “Get your ass in here, we need to clean you up first.” You demanded, collecting the kit and marching into what looked like the ensuite, completely ignoring his protests.

Jesus, is this much luxury even necessary? You thought as you passed through his behemoth of a room. Gray, white, and covered in smooth marble and chandeliers, it housed all of the amenities to be considered its own wing of the house. The gray material of the sofa and bed looked so soft and luxurious you were tempted to walk over and run your fingers along them. But that would have to wait.

He slammed his bedroom door shut with a huff and turned around. “You can’t just–!” You ignored him as you strolled into the bathroom (Still unnecessarily gorgeous).

“Just get your ass in here and sit!” You shouted from the bathroom. When you saw him stop in the doorway and glare at you, you just proceeded to open the first-aid kit and then pointed at the black and white marble countertop next to the sink. “Sit.”

He rolled his eyes before squeezing them shut and breathing out a slow sigh. “You… You’re a pain in my ass.” He groaned before dragging his feet over to you and hopping up to sit on the counter like you asked. If you hadn’t been right in front of him, you would have almost missed the slight hiss of pain he breathed through clenched teeth.

Why you had felt a pang of sympathy for the man, you had no clue.

He watched you apprehensively as you washed your hands and moved to face him. A brief moment of awkward silence had permeated the air before you tentatively raised your hands to remove the soiled bandage.

Minho visibly stiffened, but he made no move to stop you as your shaky fingers slowly peeled back the gauze.

Holy shit. That was 100% unmistakably a bullet wound.

Your mind was automatically transported back to that first night where you witnessed this guy casually gun down those men, effectively splattering five different brains on the fresh snow without even batting an eyelash. Who the fuck is Lee Minho? And what all was he capable of?

“If you’re going to just stand there and stare, then kindly leave me the fuck alone.” His gruff voice made you jump slightly as you were pulled from your thoughts.

You cleared your throat as you proceeded to throw away the red-stained dressing. You avoided his eyes as you grabbed the saline solution and a towel, still feeling his eyes bore into you with every movement.

However, you froze as you held the saline up to the mangled skin. “U-um… Did you take out—?”

“Yes, I already removed the bullet. Get on with it.”

Your stomach churned at his affirmation of the cause of injury, but you were getting sick and tired of his assholery as you glared up at his blackened eyes. “You know, a little gratitude goes a long way, shithead.”

He seemed stunned for a moment, looking at you as if you had gone crazy before returning to his deadly glower. “Look here, Tinkerbell—“ You bristled at that stupid-ass name again… “YOU’RE the one that barged in here. YOU’RE the one who has been a pain in my ass ever since you got here. So, no, I won’t give ‘gratitude’ where it’s not deserved. Plus, you’re the one to talk…” He murmured the last bit, but you still clearly heard him.

“Then why bother saving me in the first place?!” You basically screamed at him.

Silence and a shocked disposition was all you got in return.

“I had nothing to live for anyway, so why bother?! You could have just as easily ignored what was happening and went on your merry fucking way. Could have left me behind that dumpster to freeze and bleed to death so you wouldn’t have to deal with this ‘pain in the ass’. Could have also left me alone to OD and suffocate on my own vomit the other day. So what gives?” You finished with a seething remark while gesturing to yourself.

His face was stark blank. “You want to know why I saved you?” He said through gritted teeth. You just responded with a curt nod. He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration before his expression morphed into something more solemn. It seemed like he was having an internal battle before he began to speak. He finally sighed and leaned his head back against the wall mirror with closed eyes. “I once… I had a cousin, one that was very close to me. I would always be overbearing and protective and she would always tell me to stop babying her.”

He chuckled fondly as he reminisced and you found yourself latching onto his every word. You chalked it up to the fact that you were finally learning something about this enigmatic man and this whole fucked up situation.

“Anyway, as we got older and I got busier, I began giving her more space. She was becoming a woman and I accepted the fact that she could begin to take care of herself.” He paused, but considering the faintest waver in his voice and his dry swallow, it didn’t sound like it was because he was waiting for a response… “I thought she was safe… but there were… others… vile pigs that knew how close she was to me…”

Another beat of silence and you watched his face slowly morph from sorrow to unbridled rage.

“I found her in almost the exact way I found you…” His words felt like a punch to the gut and painful images flooded your mind as you swallowed the bile that rose to your chest. “But, in her case, the scum that had… done that to her had already fled and I… I couldn’t save—” He squeezed his eyes tighter and his jaw clenched hard around the emotions before they could spill out.

You both knew he didn’t need to finish that sentence.

You felt the numbness that had taken over your soul begin to crack once again at the feeling of sympathy towards his cousin, and that shit scared you like none other.

“So, yeah. You might be a raging bitch and I might be a pretentious motherfucker. But even so, I couldn’t just leave you… I just couldn’t…” You felt something churn in your gut and you furrowed your brows in frustration as to what it was. You watched him take a deep breath and sit up a bit straighter. “So, with that being said, I can’t just allow you to throw away everything you’ve worked for so far.”

As if indicating that he had enough of the back-and-forth, he attempted to grab the saline bottle from your hand, only to be met with adamant resistance. You gently pushed his hand away (thankfully without any struggle) and brought the saline and towel up to his ever-bleeding wound that was dripping down to the puddle it created, causing a concerning amount of deep crimson to flood the marble countertop.

You silently flushed the deep cavern with the solution until you deemed it was properly cleaned before moving on to the peroxide. “This might sting a bit…” You warned as you watched his jaw clench. He closed his eyes as you disinfected it and you wondered how he could keep so cool after having a bullet plunged into his side.

Once he was properly cleaned and covered in antibiotic ointment, you picked up the gauze and searched for some tape. Your eyes widened as he wordlessly moved to hand you a long compression wrap.

You emitted a noise that sounded somewhat like a sputtering engine and your face flushed as you saw his suppressed smirk. To wrap that thing around him, you would have to run your hands all over his muscled torso… fuck.

“Something the matter?” He lilted in that nonchalant, annoying timbre. Teasing. “If you don–”

“It’s fine!” You cut him off, maybe a bit too loudly as you refused to make eye contact. “It’s just… just… don’t you have any dressing tape?” You said as you coincidentally eyed his well-defined pecs and abs.

He shrugged. “Nope. Not with me anyway. I just have this—“ He said while waving the fabric in front of your face again with a challenging brow lifted.

You nervously chuckled and squeaked out, “O-okay… Stand up…” You instantly felt goosebumps rise all over your flesh as he hopped off the counter, keeping the gauze pressed to his wound, and stepped a bit too close for a man you barely even knew. Deep breaths, you can do this…

“Hey…” You slowly raised your eyes to meet his own at the sound of the softer change in his tone. He took the tiniest step back to make it easier for him to look you in the eyes. “If you're uncomfortable… I mean… I’m not…” You don’t think you had ever seen him struggle so much with his words. He sighed and closed his eyes before sadly looking at you again. “You have nothing to be afraid of with me… I wouldn’t even think of…” He huffed and shook his head in disgust as he seemed to be thinking of the exact same thing that had plagued you day and night since arriving here.

Before he could even drive his point home, you gently laid your hand on his shoulder, causing his gaze to return to you. “I know…” You replied. “You hardly scare me, Lee Minho.” You teased with a wry smile that even surprised you.

His disturbed face was slowly replaced with a pleasantly surprised grin similar to your own. You watched with feigned mockery as he raised the wrapping once again. “Then prove it, Tink.” You just scoffed and rolled your eyes at the shortened version of his unrelenting name for you and snatched the elastic cloth from his hand.

“Fine.” You huffed defiantly before looking at his abdomen once again. You tentatively pressed the end of the wrap against his heated skin that made you blush. You could feel him watching you and you suddenly felt like hiding.

You wrapped the bandage over several times, feeling yourself tense up every time you touched his bare skin, and secured it tightly once you were finished. “O—“ Your voice cracked when you tried to speak and your face heated as you cleared your throat. “Okay, you’re finished…”

You wouldn’t look him in the eyes, how could you after you basically forced him to let you run your hands all over his tan, muscular, and absolutely gorgeous skin?

“W—“ He hesitated and, despite yourself, you found your eyes instinctively seeking his own out to somehow read the words through his dark irises. You found he was searching your eyes as well with pursed lips before he looked away and cleared his throat as well. “Thank you.”

Huh?

“Channie-hyung wasn’t available when I returned home so I tried to take care of it myself. I guess my half-assed effort didn’t do much, huh?” He chuckled and looked back at you with a meek smile.

Who the fuck is this man and where did Lee Minho go?

He nervously chuckled and you realized you��d been staring at the man far too long. You took a deep breath and stepped back. “Well, I kind of owed it to you now, didn’t I?” You said it lightheartedly, but he furrowed his brows.

“You don’t ever have to owe me anything.”

You arched a brow, but he just turned and began packing away the first aid kit again. You watched his back, trying to remember why you came to his room in the first place. “Minho?”

He stilled his movements.

“What do you even do?” He turned and arched a brow at you and you rolled your eyes, stepping forward next to him to lean against the counter. “Like, you are obviously loaded…” You said gesturing to your luxurious surroundings. “You have a full staff with a doctor to patch up nasty bullet holes like this and god knows what else…” You both looked at his bandage. “And not to mention the bullets you cleared through those guys’ heads without even blinking an eye that night…”

He bit his lip and you followed the action with your eyes. You instinctively wet your own lips. After he was done staring at the marble countertop for an unnecessarily lengthy amount of time, he hesitantly turned his body to face you.

“You could say I sort of run something like a… secret organization?” He said tentatively like it was a question unto himself and you furrowed your brows.

You squinted skeptically at him. “So… you're telling me—“ Is that worry on his face? “—that you're a secret agent? Like a spy?” You looked at him in disbelief.

He sputtered a restrained laugh and looked at you with a suppressed smile. “I suppose you could say I’m like a spy.”

“LIKE a spy?”

He looked up like he was deliberating. “Sure. Like a spy.”

“But not actually a spy?”

He groaned at your questioning and ran a hand through his messy hair. Come to think of it, this is the most dressed-down look you’d seen on him. Gone were the button-ups and slacks, now replaced by sweats and a compression wrap over his shirtless body.

He stood straight and crossed his arms, obviously ready for the conversation to be over. “Does it matter? Look, it’s already really late and Yongbok will panic if he realizes you ran off.”

Oh shit, that’s right. That’s the whole reason you were even there. In Minho’s bathroom. Standing closely to him. With the man half naked and you in your flimsy, silk nightwear. Your peaked nipples seemed suddenly way more apparent as you crossed your arms over your chest. You rapidly blinked as if suddenly waking up and quickly stepped back.

“I-I wanted to ask you something…” He arched his brow and you continued. “Can you please call off the reinforcements? I know I made a bad decision and all, but I will honestly go crazy if I have to use the bathroom with the door open one more time.” You found yourself begging rather than demanding like you had initially intended.

Why, though?

He looked hesitant and you quickly added, “I don’t even mean all of the time! Like, I’ll keep my bedroom door open so he can check up on me and he can even watch me secretly while I’m around the house, I just want at least a little sense of privacy!”

You knew you sounded like a pathetic child, but you had resigned yourself to that fate as soon as you had to take a massive, violent shit earlier that day and you knew Felix had heard everything from the other room. Without any doors to create that sweet, sweet sound barrier? Ugh… You were still mortified to look at him.

You silently watched him with imploring eyes as he tiredly rubbed his brow. “You…” You widened your eyes with a hopeful energy pulsing through them, hoping to portray as such as he looked into your pleading eyes. He sighed. “I suppose those terms are fair…” You lit up like a Christmas tree before he raised a finger. “BUT, if you are EVER alone ANYWHERE, you need to let him know where you are and give him regular updates on your whereabouts to let him know if you are okay. Okay?”

You vehemently nodded your head and perked up. “Thank GOD!”

He smirked and crossed his arms again. “I think I like you calling me a god. Have I upgraded from a narcissistic asshole?” He tilted his head with raised brows and you were, once again, reminded how gorgeous this man really was.

You rolled your eyes and went to shove his shoulder, but before you could even touch him, he grabbed your wrist in the blink of an eye. For some reason, you both looked surprised as he froze with your wrist in his hand from less than a foot away. Your heart was racing and you chalked it up to being from fear of someone grabbing you.

But why did that conclusion not feel quite right…?

Before you could ponder it, he dropped your arm and quickly stepped away. “Fuck. I-I’m sorry.” He shook his head and you watched worry swirl in his eyes.

No…

No, you weren’t afraid of this man. You don’t know why, but you knew he wouldn’t hurt you intentionally. Even after everything… “It was just instinct! I swear! I would never intend to—“

“I know, Minho.” You cut off his panicking, but his brows gave away his lingering concern. “I guess I’m just going to have to take your word for it on the whole spy thing, though, because those were super fast reflexes.” You chuckled to ease the tension and his face softened slightly.

It was silent for a moment and he cleared his throat again. “Well, I should walk you back to your room, it’s late and I’ve had… a very long few days.”

You took a large breath and promptly left the bathroom. “I’m perfectly fine on my own, you know?” There’s that twinge of irritation again…

”I know, I know. But if Yongbok is awake, I want to be able to ease his worries and update him on his role in taking care of you.

Taking care of…

Not treating, not monitoring. Taking care of. You supposed that’s what they were doing, huh? Felix was, in fact, doing much more than treating or monitoring. He waited on you hand and foot and you were being a bitch about it. You made a promise to yourself right then and there to let him know as soon as possible how much you appreciated his care and apologize for your behavior.

You nodded, both to yourself and to Minho’s reasoning before making your way back to your room with the mysterious and intriguing man just a few steps behind you.

__________________________________________

Felix was a saint. Not only did he forgive you when you apologized, but he went as far to say it was his fault for being overbearing. Which was obviously preposterous.

With your new parameters in effect, Felix decided to leave the estate shortly, before quickly returning with gifts for you. Among them were several jigsaw puzzles and you perked up at the sight of them. Over time, you had come to really appreciate those puzzles. So much so that you had already finished all of the ones currently at the estate, strangely enough. All kinds of different collections displayed on random tables throughout the mansion.

Felix was true to his word and gave you your space, only briefly giving you regular check-ups as you sat in one of the many living rooms that giant freaking place held and began the therapeutic work of putting together an adorable puzzle of a litter of kittens.

You would love to have cats…

When a sudden ruckus erupted down the hall, you furrowed your brows and looked behind you to the source. Down the corridor you saw the same seven men that you had seen regularly around the house (obviously minus Felix) dressed in what looked like active-wear gathering around the front entryway.

The men never approached you, but that was most likely because you tried to make yourself scarce once you saw one of them. Maybe Dr. Chris, Felix, and Minho you trusted, but you didn’t know those other men and it made you sick to your stomach thinking of being alone with a stranger without one of those three men accompanying you.

”Okay, guys, this is just routine training today, so no fire hazards, alright Hyunjin?” You heard Minho announce to the group.

Training? Like their super-secret-spy type training?

You felt yourself stand and march over to them without even formulating what you were doing. Who needs rational thought anyway?

If you were remembering correctly, the one named Jeongin spotted you first with a look of surprise. “Come. On. Hyuuung. We need to be prepared for anyth—“ Jeongin harshly elbowed the one who you assumed was Hyunjin and quickly spoke up.

’Hy-Mr. Lee, sir. I think someone is here for you…” He nodded a bow to you and you returned it, giving a meek smile to the group before meeting Minho’s gaze.

He looked slightly surprised before giving you… was that a smile? No, surely not…

You cleared your throat as Felix made his way over with hurried steps and a worried expression. You, then, glanced over at the other men who had become quiet as death upon you stepping up next to Minho. You scanned over them before slightly bowing. “Um… Good morning…” You introduced yourself before hearing a small ‘oh’ from the man beside you. You turned your head as he stepped forward and turned to face you again.

”I guess I haven’t really introduced them all to you yet… These are my… This is my inner circle.” He hesitated and turned to gesture to each of them. “Some I’m sure you already know. Like Channie-Hyung, Yongbok, and Jisung.” The three nodded politely with soft smiles. “But to formally introduce you to the others, this is Changbin…” The shorter, muscular man offered a shy smile. “Hyunjin…” Your eyebrows raise at the incredibly handsome man as his full lips formed a smile as well. “Seungmin…”

”Nice to formally meet you.” He said with an amused grin and you nervously chuckled as you informed him likewise.

”Then there’s our maknae, Jeonginnie.” Hyunjin cooed at the youngest when he also gave a shy smile and he received a death-glare in return.

All of the men remained incredibly polite, bowing their heads when introduced and maintaining their distance. Shit, they probably already know everything about you and your situation… especially considering the fact that no one asked you who you were or why you were there.

You guessed you understood and you were actually somewhat grateful. It saved you from having to explain it yourself and relive all of the pain again…

”It’s very nice to meet you all.” You gave the men a polite smile before turning to Minho again. You were on a mission. “Minho, can I please come train with you guys?”

You could hear a pin drop with how silent the room got. “You… you want to train?” You gave a determined nod before slumping your shoulders at his shake of the head. “No. No way.”

“What?! Why?!”

”Um, I think it’s best we head out first. We will meet you there sir.” The youngest quickly relayed before walking out the front door with the other men in tow, Felix quickly retreating to some other corner of the estate.

After watching the mass leave, you fixed your glare on Minho’s resolute expression. “Not only are you not employed by me, but you also have an injured arm—“

”It could be good therapy for me! And I can even raise it horizontally now!” You demonstrated the movement with gritted teeth, trying to hide the pain, and he responded with an unimpressed visage.

“You are already receiving therapy and you would just be a liability. So, no. End of discussion.”

A liability? Ouch.

You felt anger rise up in you and you took a step near him, his features remaining stone-cold. “You… You’re a… ugh!” You couldn’t even muster up the will to call him an asshole anymore. What the fuck was WRONG with you?

With the lack of anything better to say, you furiously stomped away up to your bedroom to fume in private, but not without flipping him off the entire way there.

__________________________________________

“Knock knock, love.” Felix announced before stepping through your open doorway. It hadn’t been long since you petulantly curled up on the plush armchair by your window to angrily watch the rain outside.

Of course it would rain. Apparently fate had decided to mock you as if you were an actress in some sort of sad music video. Surely Felix would agree.

You watched with hesitancy as he held out his hand to you. “Follow me.” He said calmly with a smile. “I want to show you a new room.” You perked up at that notion. You had been running out of places to explore recently and the prospect of seeing something new was like a kid going to a playground.

You took his hand and allowed him to lead you to one of the many locked double-doors on the estate. What you saw made you gasp in awe. Bookshelves upon bookshelves lined the walls of a massive, two-storied library that was stocked to max capacity with what looked like brand new books as well as older than hell pieces of literature. All surrounding a cozy living area with couches, armchairs, and even a fireplace.

”Minho-hyung must really trust you to let me show you this. These books mean a great deal to him and many of them are extremely fragile as well.” He trusts me? You thought as you watched Felix’s eyes widen. “I-I mean Mr. Lee…”

You furrowed your brows and turned to him. “Why do you do that?” You asked and he just blinked at you with worry written on his features.

”D-do what?”

Playing dumb, are we? “That! Those other guys do it too! Why don’t you just call him Hyung? You all are obviously close. Why try to hide it?”

Felix nervously rubbed the side of his neck and looked down. “It’s not like we are trying to hide it, necessarily. We are just trained to remain professional. It’s just much harder when we are all home and much more relaxed.”

You nodded your head in understanding. “But why do you try to hide it with me? I’m not exactly here on business.” You arched your brow and he smiled sweetly.

”It…” He seemed hesitant to speak until he sighed and lowered his head. “If we keep things professional with you, it might be easier when we have to see you go…” You were taken aback. Easier? Is he saying they would miss you? Why? You were a nobody, and you were honestly kind of a bitch. No, that can’t be it.

”What do you mean by easier?”

He seemed confused by your question. “When you spend so much time with someone, it’s easy to get attached. Even the coldest heart can find warmth in someone they find trustworthy and important.”

Trustworthy? Important? You? What in the world did you do to earn those titles?

Felix must have read the disbelief on your face because he continued. “You and I have spent a lot of time together over the past months. I’ve learned a lot about you and your habits.” You blushed. He most definitely knows a lot about you. He’s seen a lot too. “I know you are a good person. I have an eye for these things.”

He winked at you and you huffed a chuckle.

“And Minho-hyung knows you are a good person too. He just has a different way of… expressing his feelings.” You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “No, it’s true! We discuss you and your progress often and the kind of leniency he gives you in this place is unheard of for anyone other than our circle. Even some of the house staff haven’t been allowed in some of these rooms you’ve seen.”

What on god’s green earth did you say to them to trust you? I mean, of course they can trust you. You bear no ill will toward any of them, not seriously anyway. But why do they think so? Felix could definitely see the confusion on your face when he gently placed a hand on your upper back and guided you two further into the treasure-trove of books.

“Don’t think about it too much, love. Just know that everything we do, we do out of good and pure intentions.”

You definitely thought about it too much.

__________________________________________

You were determined.

You were going to get out of that damned house, even if just for a minute, whether he liked it or not. By exploring the house, you ended up finding a board room, like true business-official type shit. A long table surrounded by office chairs and even a projector screen. And with a small tip from Felix, you knew they all happened to have a meeting that morning.

An actual business meeting. Not the one including half-naked women this time.

So, after gearing up in some serious workout attire, you marched yourself to that exact room, not even bothering to knock. You were on a mission. ”Lee Minho, I demand to be included in your training. I won’t take no for an answer!”

His were the first eyes you seeked out when you entered the room and you willed yourself to not back down.

You, then, remembered the presence of the other seven men in the room and how silent everyone had become. It was as if they thought, if they move even slightly, all hell would break loose. And by looking at Minho’s facial expression, they might have good reason to think as such.

”I. Said. NO. Now please see your way out. As you can see, we are clearly busy.” You were pissed, no, more than pissed, but you squared your shoulders.

However, before you could utter a word, Jisung spoke up. “Hyung. I think we should let her. She is obviously passionate about it.” Minho glared at his friend and then back at you. He was silent for a moment, as if he was deliberating, before speaking again.

”No.”

”FUCKING HELL, MAN! I have been sitting on my ass here for months now for a reason I’m sure everyone here already knows about—!“ You watched guilty expressions color the room. “—and now that I’m getting better, you’re not going to help me defend myself if something like that happens again?” You witnessed his eyes widen as a traitorous tear fell down your cheek. “Fuck. You. Lee Minho!”

Resilience be damned, you were itching to escape that suffocating room and the problem within it. You stormed away once more with a harsh slam of the door and a burning fire inside you fueled by hate and anger.

Fuck this.

__________________________________________

You felt a plop on the couch next to you and you jolted in place with a tiny squeak.

After the meeting room fiasco, you had been spending all of your time in the library. You were so immersed in your book that you didn’t even realize there was another presence in the room.

With a quick whip of the head and an incredulous look on your face, you watched Minho smirk next to you in amusement. “For someone who is super quick with their tongue, you sure are slow with everything else.” He chuckled as you came down from your fright and you placed a hand on your rapidly beating heart.

That motherfucker just about killed you! Well, not literally, but still! You closed your eyes to collect yourself before opening them again to glare at him.

However, instead of that same annoying smirk, his face turned into one of regret. “Shit, I’m sorry… I didn’t even think if that would make you… fuck, I didn’t—“

”It’s fine!” You quickly cut him off, knowing where he was going with that statement. “I-I’m fine… you just startled me a bit.” You calmly placed your bookmark before turning back to him with narrowed eyes. He looked a bit more relieved.

”Still, I need to be more… considerate.” He looked down at his hands, avoiding your eyes. “In more ways than one…” You furrowed your brows in suspicion before he returned your gaze once more. “I’ve thought about it a lot and I realized that I haven’t necessarily been easy on you throughout all of this. I might have played a part in helping you physically, but I didn’t consider how this would all affect you mentally.”

You were speechless. Was this the same man? He’s actually being… remorseful…

“So, yeah. Sorry about all that…” He awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck while averting his eyes. He clearly wasn’t used to apologizing so much. “I, um… I wanted to ask you if we could, like, start over?”

You had never seen the man fumble so much since meeting him and it was quite a refreshing sight. “Why? Are you about to drop another ridiculous rule on me and you’re just saying this to lessen the blow?” You huffed a bitter chuckle.

You could see his temper start to rise before he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m saying this…” There was a slight edge to his voice before he opened his eyes again with a much more gentle demeanor. “—because I am tired of us butting heads.” He slumped into the backrest and you arched a brow. “And also because you were right.”

Okay. Something is seriously wrong.

”I thought it would be dangerous for you to train with professionals and be subjected to a room full of random men.” He limply turned his head your way while remaining melted into the cushions. “And yes, there will be other men there. All of my subordinates use this training center. It’s one of my most used gyms for my… industry.”

You scoffed. “Pft. ‘Industry’” You mocked with finger quotations.

He smirked. “Yes. Industry.” His face gradually returned to a more serious disposition. “There is also the matter of secrecy.” You nodded your head. Yeah, that made sense considering his occupation, but who were you going to tell? “Not saying I don’t trust you—“

”Why do you trust me?” You blurted, the question still buzzing around in your mind like an annoying pest. He furrowed his brows as if he didn’t understand. You continued. “Like, yeah, I get why you saved me now and all, but why do you trust ME?”

His brow slightly softened and he cleared his throat. “Y-you have given me no reason not to trust you. Why? Did you do something?” He said with a smirk.

You rolled your eyes. “No, asshole. It’s obvious to me that you should trust me, but you’re just going to take my word for it? You must be a really shitty spy.” He guffawed loudly, sitting up with a bright grin as he seemed like himself again.

”You haven’t seen what I can do, Tinkerbell.” You rolled your eyes, but you did find the notion intriguing.

”Oh yeah? What can you do?” You could see a spark light up in his eyes as he stared into your own and you had to gulp down the saliva that pooled in your mouth from the sight.

”Well…” He shifted to face you, elbow now propped up on the back of the couch. “You’ll get to see some of it when we train you.”

You felt your heart jolt. “When you train me?” You felt the corners of your mouth slowly lifting and his followed right behind.

”We leave at noon. Unless you’ve changed your mind?” He mused.

”No! No, I want to!” You looked at the clock. 11:30. Shit, he couldn’t have told you a little sooner? You sprang to your feet and he stood as well. “Just let me go change and I’ll meet you in the foyer.”

He just gave you a brief nod before turning on his heel and leaving you giddily buzzing in your skin.

__________________________________________

Somehow, you had plenty of options to choose from, but you opted for a simple T-shirt and joggers. Not the cutest, but who were you trying to impress?

A vision of Minho flashed in your mind and you reeled from the thought. Ugh. Why did my head think of HIM? In fact, why were you thinking so much about him in the first place? You chalked it up to it being from interacting more frequently nowadays. Yes. That must be it. You resolutely threw on a hoodie over your shirt and marched your way to the foyer.

“You ready? It won’t be easy.” He said from where he was leaned up against the staircase banister. You took in the sight of his workout attire, not really taking the time to fully appreciate it until now.

He wore a loose pair of sweatpants and an airy tank top that allowed you to gaze at his intricate sleeve of tattoos once more. He would almost look human if he hadn’t been blessed with his other-worldly beauty.

You blinked away the thoughts and gave a firm nod to him in response. “I don’t want easy. I want effective.”

He smirked and stood up straight when you approached. “We’ll see soon how confident you are in that statement.” You glared and he gestured his head. “C’mon, let’s go.”

Instead of heading out the front, he made his way further into the house. You furrowed your brows. “Where are the other guys? And where are you going?”

”Tsk. So many questions!” He mused and grinned at your responding scowl. “The guys are already there and, as to where we are going…” He stepped up to a large door located in the next room and opened the door for you to enter first, your face surely gawking at the luxury. You heard a chuckle from behind you. “Your reactions are always so adorable.” He smoothly teased.

EXCUSE ME?!

You whipped around and glared at him as he just continued walking past you. “Now…” He turned back to face you again. “Which one do you want to take?” He said plainly as he gestured to the plethora of extremely expensive cars.

The garage definitely looked like it belonged in a spy movie, but you were stumped. He said he was like a spy. Not a spy. Like a spy. You were still racking your brain as to what that meant.

Your eyes grazed over the fancy marble interior of the museum-like garage and the cars on display. How can someone have this much disposable income?

You didn’t know the first thing about cars, why did you have to pick?

When you just pointed to some random car, he raised his brows. “Really? The Rolls Royce?”

“Well, shit I dunno! Why do I need to pick? You obviously know more than I do when it comes to this!”

He cackled and led you closer to your chosen car. “Oh, I know waaay more than you, Tink.” You grumbled and he chuckled as he opened the door for you, letting you slide into the disgustingly luxurious vehicle.

”Why do you even have all of these cars? Don’t you have someone else to drive you?” He donned a cocky half-grin when he slipped into the driver seat.

”Sure, when I’m on business I do. But we are just going to train.”

In the blink of an eye, his face was directly in front of yours as he reached across you, eyes fixed on your seatbelt strap as he grasped the material. As soon as he stretched it across your body, he seemed to notice your surprise.

He froze, blinked at you rapidly, then quickly averted his gaze back down to the strap to buckle you in. He cleared his throat and gulped before starting the car. “Plus…” He added with a slightly strained voice. “It’s not nearly as fun riding as it is driving.”

__________________________________________

“Was the bag seriously necessary? Who would I even tell?!” You seethed as you threw the black, silky fabric at him.

Before you two even left the driveway, he forced you to shove your head in a stupid black hood so you “couldn’t know the location” once you left the estate later. You told him that it was unnecessary and stupid, but the man insisted.

You ripped the damned thing off as soon as he put the car in park.

”Have you forgotten what I told you? About my work? Why are you surprised with the secrecy?” He explained calm and composed as he discarded the bag in the car again.

”Well then blindfold me next time! I could barely breathe!” You were over exaggerating, of course. That material was extremely airy and breathable, you just wanted to feel superior to such treatment.

”Well excuse me, your highness…” He rolled his eyes as he pulled out his keys and walked up to the door of a large, nondescript, concrete building. Unlocking and opening the door for you, he gave you an exaggerated bow.

You narrowed your eyes at him as you passed the threshold, and marched into what looked like a massive gym complex of some sort.

However, the entire building was devoid of life. Of course that’s not including the seven familiar figures you saw fighting on the far end of the room. ”I thought you said all of your employees train here?” You said with an arched brow.

Minho passed you with a shrug. “Not today they don’t.” Well that answered nothing…

”Hey there, girly! Ready to get that blood pumping?”

”Calm down, Changbin. She is still going through therapy, remember?” Dr. Chris told the younger muscle man from where he was doing crazy heavy deadlifts off to the side.

”I know, I know, grandpa.” Changbin smirked at the doctor’s glare. “But just remember: ‘What hurts today makes you stronger tomorrow.’”

The other men groaned in tandem and you found yourself slightly smiling. “That’s a great motivational outlook, Changbin.” You said to the group as you watched Changbin’s face light up.

”Okay, enough, enough.” Minho declared. “Today’s training is obviously a bit different than usual.” He gestured vaguely at you. “We have a base level trainee and she needs to be trained from ground zero.” He gave you a side-eye and a cocky smirk. “Maybe even lower than that…”

”Hey!” You made a move to give him a lighthearted shove, and then was immediately reminded of what happened last time as his hand shot to your wrist to stop the action. You tried to free yourself, but his grip was like stone. “Let me go, asshole!”

”Make me.” He said as he suddenly faced you, pulling you closer. “Come on, show me. What would you do if you wanted to be released?”

You didn’t have an answer for him. Any move you could possibly make would be caught by his cat-like reflexes. You just challenged him with your eyes before his own softened, along with his grip on your wrist.

Just as your wrist was released he gave you a couple pats on the head. “Don’t worry Tinkerbell. I’m sure you will figure it out eventually.” You just about growled at him as he walked over to stand by Chris who was now seated on a bench nearby. “Channie-hyung and I are just here to observe and critique ALL of you, so do your best.” The man made an annoyed expression and waved the back of his hand in front of him. “Well? Get on with it!”

With that, you found yourself surrounded by six (frankly gorgeous) men looming over you.

“Hey! Back off! Don’t all go at her at once! I said ground zero you pabos!” Minho shouted from the sidelines before the others retreated and Changbin stepped in front of you.

”Calm down, Minho. This is what I’m here for.” You breathed in a resolute huff and nodded at Changbin. “I’m ready.”

__________________________________________

“Watch out for her arm!”

…

”Don’t actually try to hurt her, idiot!”

…

”That’s too rough!”

…

The entire training session Minho had shouted at each and every one of the men trying to teach me at least once and it was growing tiresome. “Why even let me train if I can’t even, I dunno, actually train???” You grumbled at the stubborn man as the group was taking a break. “I have legitimately learned nothing with the parameters you have set!”

”For real, hyung. You aren’t letting her show her full potential. She needs—“

Minho instantly cut Changbin off. “I will decide what is needed and I think that it would be better for her to just watch for now. It’s obvious that she is not ready.”

”WHA—?” You squealed with widened eyes and a disbelieving expression.

”Actually, I think she is doing quite well in her recovery…” Dr. Chris stated matter-of-factly where he stood next to the other six men drenched in sweat.

You watched Minho slowly turn his murderous expression to the doctor, but you stepped into his line of sight before he had the chance to retaliate. “Please let me continue… I promise I will take it easy, I just…” You looked down at your restless hands before returning your gaze to his blackened irises. “This is just really important to me…”

You watched as the man’s face minutely softened and glanced at the seven men around you that also awaited his instruction.

”Please?” You implored, not used to such pleading from your end. His eyes darted back to you before he moved to rub his temples with a sigh.

“Fine.” He groaned. “But base-line self defense only. We can move on to more advanced training once you have recovered a bit more.”

You don’t know why you felt such relief come over you. Maybe it was the satisfaction of even marginally getting through to him, but you let a wide grin escape as your body involuntarily moved to hug the man.

What the fuck?

Just as quickly as you embraced the man, you retreated just as fast with furiously heated cheeks. Why in the world did you do that? You were FAR from hugging terms with him! He probably just about shot you in the head from the unexpected touch!

However, you couldn’t help but notice the citrus and sandalwood scent emanating from his solid, warm body. His skin felt like flames against yours and you welcomed the heat. It didn’t last long, but the simple contact with him made your blood boil and quickly reddened your entire face.

When you pulled back and cleared your throat, you witnessed a millisecond of bewilderment on his stone-cold face before it was immediately schooled back into place (but that did nothing to cover up his bright red ears). “Th-thank you.” You mumbled before you escaped to the water fountain that was, blessedly, on the other side of the room. Never mind the fact you had a water bottle already with you by the group…

__________________________________________

By the time you and the rest of the boys finished (which was a very productive start if you do say so yourself), Minho had informed he was called in for an unexpected ‘business meeting’ across town and that training would finish early for the day as he needed to take a couple of his men with him.

You were a bit disappointed, but at least you got to do something. Which was more than you expected honestly.

As you requested, you were blindfolded for the car ride back instead of the stifling bag he donned you with on the way there, but you rode back with only five of his men instead.

You could feel all of their eyes on you as you rode in silence. Jeongin drove the unnecessarily expensive limousine, Changbin, and Hyunjin sat across from you, and Felix and Chan bracketed you on each side.

The silence was even more suffocating than the bag you wore earlier as you felt yourself start to become antsy. “For the love of god, please someone say something! I feel like I’m an exhibit in a museum right now.” You whined and buried your face in your hands (even though you couldn’t see anything anyway).

”And what a lovely piece of art you are, darling~” Hyunjin lilted before you heard a slap of skin and an over dramatic squawk from said man.

”Yah! Don’t be a creep!” You heard Changbin exclaim as the precious Felix giggled next to you.

”It was supposed to be a compliment!” You heard someone click their tongue before Chan decided to speak up.

”It’s interesting isn’t it…” He commanded the whole group’s attention with practiced ease and you quickly realized the hidden influence this man had over the lot of them. Which would make sense due to the fact that the doctor had probably saved most of, if not all of their lives at some point in time. “I haven’t seen or heard of Minho ever taking it easy on a trainee before… Most of them have to come see me even after their first session with him.”

”For real though, the man is ruthless with everyone else! He will even push them through the pain of broken bones!” Hyunjin exclaimed incredulously.

”He wants to make sure they are prepared through anything, even excruciating pain.” Jeongin stated simply from the driver’s seat.

Holy shit, these guys are no joke! “What the fuck? Why can’t he do the same with me?!” The entire car went dead silent in response. You could feel the annoyance creep into your bones. “Is it because I’m a girl? Seriously?!”

You heard Felix scoff next to you. “As if.” He sputtered in amusement. “The female trainees are some of the toughest among all of us.”

Then why?

”Maybe he just has a soft spot for you…” You heard Hyunjin mumble and you outright cackled at that one.

”Are you kidding?! Have you seen the way he treats me??” You question with an incredulous chuckle.

“You never knooow~” Hyunjin stated with a teasing lilt to his voice before you heard another smack.

And before another word could be said, your blindfold was removed and you were ushered into the estate once more.

A soft spot? What a joke.

__________________________________________

I hope you guys are happy with the turn-around. 😏

I’ve missed you all so dearly and I apologize for the wait. 🥺 I would say that the next part will come out sooner, but I don’t want to guarantee that if life decides to fuck with me some more. 🙃

As always, please like, follow, and share!

Thanks baby Stays! Love you and missed you guys! 💋😽💋

And of course my squad and tag list:

@lyramundana

@channieandhisgoonsquad

@moonlightndaydreams

@queenmea604

@sweetracha

@rylea08

@maknaeswrld

2chopsticks2eyes - Masterlist

[ghouljams]

(i had to im sorry)

Site Memo:

I know you fucks can read.

(you are all my precious lab rats and I am making the men worse to see what your limits are)

[aliusfrater]

i wanted to explain myself to myself in an understandable way. i gave shape to my fears and made excuses. i varied my velocities, watched myselves sleep. something's not right about what i'm doing but i'm still doing it — living in the worst parts, ruining myself.

richard siken, war of the foxes

[nirvanaida]

“dandadan is about ghosts and aliens!!” “dandadan is about is about a high school romance!!” “dandadan is one of the most popular manga ever” THEY STOLE HIS PEANITS. NONE OF YOU THOUGHT TO MENTION THAT??

[borgialucrezia]

his two younger kids whom he dotes on and made believe they're the light of his life yet the second they don't comply with playing the roles he wants them to/don't play them in a way he expects, he rages at them and instantly rips the affection away from them. but then it only hits him when it's too late how he's failed them as he kneels in front of them and muttering to himself "what have i done?" while looking up with sorrow, guilt, shame and reflection...

[hadesoftheladies]

you feel like going insane once you realize how constant coercive rape is in relationships with men. every single girl and woman i know has had an experience with an attempting rapist. every. single. one. and some folks want to cry "hetphobia" when rape culture is 90% of heterosexual culture.

men are genuinely dangerous to women. i don't think you can be a feminist and dispute this. whatever your personal reasons. holy shit.

[skufdaddyswansea]

Anya and Swansea

There's much to be said about how Swansea's bond with Daisuke, and Anya's interactions with Curly, reveal parts of their characters that Jimmy obscures. But there's also more we can learn about them by analyzing their relationship to each other, and the things they share.

From their first exchange, it appears that they have a fairly rocky relationship. Anya comes across as meek, Swansea is quick to shoot her down, and harshly at that.

It's not by accident that this is how they're introduced; first impressions go a long way in shaping our opinions. This fits in with a large part of Mouthwashing's narrative framing through Jimmy's perspective. It immediately suggests his way of thinking to the player; Anya is weak and incompetent, and the rest of the crew agrees with this judgment. Swansea is an old, selfish bastard with no respect for anyone around him.

But if we take into account the context of this interaction, we can see it from a different angle. The most important thing to take into account is the timing: two months after the crash. Keeping that in mind, we can then look not only to the one time we see them chatting before the crash, but to Anya's overall demeanour.

Here she appears lighthearted, friendly, even confident. It becomes clear that she's simply taking the crash harder than the rest of the crew. And after seeing the whole picture, it's not hard to see why. Everyone is in the same hopeless situation, but she's the only one stranded there for months on end with her rapist. The man she already feared was at the verge of more extreme violence, and rightly so. And on top of it all, she blames herself. It was, after all, moments after her third cry for help that the crash occurred.

And here I would also note a subtle but significant difference in the way she responds to Swansea's dismissals as opposed to Jimmy's.

She may not assert herself strongly, but with Swansea, she's at least comfortable enough to attempt it. For obvious reasons, she rarely does so with Jimmy. Add to that the way Swansea's roughness rolled off her back before the crash, and I think we can assume Anya felt much the same as Daisuke.

Of course, Swansea's words are still callous. But it shouldn't be taken for granted that he, like Anya, is alone in his particular struggle. He has, long before the rest of the crew, decided that the Tulpar will be his grave. Although it would have been easy for him to save himself using the lone cryopod, he has no interest in doing so. Instead he keeps this knowledge to himself, both to keep the crew as stable as possible in the final days and to protect whoever would get that one last chance to be saved.

And to cope with all this, he gives in to his worst impulses. Not just to his alcoholism, but to the walls he builds around himself.

Despite his worsening temperament, Anya still trusts Swansea. After months of enduring in silence, she tells him everything. I believe, in this moment, that Swansea does the same.

Shortly after this scene, before Swansea hits rock bottom, there's another rare moment in which Swansea is not guarding the Utility room. This time, he's dancing in the lounge, as he'd apparently been doing all 'night' long. And at a short distance, in his line of sight, is Anya.

Both of them could see time was running out. There was little they could do to make their remaining days any brighter. But Swansea was able to do at least one thing for Anya that no one else did-- he took her pain seriously. He took her at her word, and it changed the way he saw Jimmy entirely from that point on.

On the surface, Anya and Swansea couldn't have been more different. But in the end, they had more in common than perhaps even they knew.

Both stared death in the face with conviction, which was not misplaced. With food and air running out, no sign of rescue, and an increasingly unstable captain, they had no reason to cling to any delusions of hope. However, within their final words, a darker truth emerges.

It was easy for them to give whatever tiny sliver of hope the cryopod represented for someone who they considered more worthy. After all, in their eyes, they weren't worth saving to begin with. They were just broken people, with nothing left but to wait for the end. Even before the crash, these thoughts may have lingered somewhere deep in the darkest corners of their minds, waiting to surface.

What is certain, however, is that neither got the chance to find out otherwise.

[remembrancer-of-heresy]

The Eternal Night (Part 3)

Summary: Every night you become more attached to Sevatar. He, in turn, becomes obsessed with your connection.

Jago Sevatarion/fem!Reader

Warnings: yandere, obsession, power imbalance, violence, predator/prey, rape (attempted), stockholm syndrome

Word count: 2252

Song: She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart

I want to hold you close Soft breath, beating heart, As I whisper in your ear: I want to fucking tear you apart

You didn't talk to Sevatar about what happened that day. Was it really necessary? He is your master, he saved you from the Legion. You were to serve him faithfully and not ask questions. Even if his behavior was unusual for Space Marines.

However, Jago Sevatarion decided not to dwell on one incident. You also continued to clean his chambers. But at the same time he continued his strangeness. If the Astartes were an ordinary man, you would think that it was he who pestered you like that. One such thought was blasphemous. And yet…

He holds you too tight, too strong. You won't even be able to escape from his embrace if you wanted to. But you couldn't resist this feeling. There are monsters outside the doors, ready to tear your soul and body to pieces. They don’t even hide, because this is their land.

Only with Sevatar will you be safe.

The rough tongue slides over your shoulder again, reminding you of its owner. He was rude, but still tried to act gentle. It just wasn't in his nature. It's like caressing flowers with a knife. But even so. Even so, you liked it.

Sevatar squeezes you harder, leaving bruises all over your body. Your back is pressed tightly against his chest. There is no chance of running away. Especially when his teeth are so close to your skin. One wrong step and he will bite your flesh off. But for now he is treating you too softly.

Your skin under the tattoo has become too sensitive. Every touch of his fingers or tongue caused a strange feeling. Heaviness appeared in the lower abdomen, it was hot and you had to suppress a moan. This was embarrassing. To experience such feelings...

But this is connected not only with touches. All these conversations, a man's concern for you. After all, the first captain could mock you, not take you as his servant, or force you to do hard work. But he didn't do it. Your past life was harder than in the service of Sevatar. And then you weren’t touched that way before him.

Such moments did not happen every time. Not every night. But only in those moments when the space marine especially needed sleep. He was calmed by your presence, your movements, the way you cleaned up. But apparently touching you broke something in him. After which Sevatar fell asleep in an unusually sound and peaceful sleep.

Perhaps you should have been happy for him. It was true, it just still hurt. Lonely. You couldn’t understand where sympathy for Sevatar came from in your heart. It was a shame to feel like that. He was the Night Lord. He wanted and served the Emperor, you were not stupid. You knew he was still a murderer and a sadist.

And he's a Space Marine. You knew that men of his kind could not experience attraction. Sevatar has never seen and will never see you as a woman. All this time, you were nothing more than a piece of meat that calmed him down. It was annoying and easy at the same time.

You didn't want to give in to weakness. To feel fear of the horrors of NightFall, which grew into an obsessive desire to be protected. To be loved. Every day the hanging bloody flesh of your mistress was forgotten. The cries of the suffering prisoners echoed. You began to get used to this place, to your surroundings.

Disgusting.

You desperately wanted to save the remnants of your mind before it completely shattered. Preserve your humanity, kindness and mercy. You didn't want your heart to turn to stone. So that it beats again and fills with blood not only when Sevatar appears nearby.

Therefore, you began to leave your master’s chambers even more often and spend every free minute with the rats. Or with grandpa and other serfs if they were not busy. But mostly with your favorite friends. In addition, your diet improved and you were able to share more acceptable food with them.

Still, you couldn't help but worry. There are fewer of them. Much less. But the serfs did not pay attention to your friends, and the space marines even less so. So why did it seem to you that the disappearance of your little friends was not due to hunger? Rats could be cruel, but now there was no reason for them to kill each other. It could have been someone else.

Later, grandpa told you that recently the Night Lords brought one of many planets to the Imperium. As always, in a very perverted way, since the residents apparently did not have enough footage of the previous massacre. Many ended up in skinning pits. Some prisoners were specially taken to Nightfall to prolong the pleasure of torture.

Maybe one of the prisoners escaped? Hidden in the depths of the ship and somehow managed to escape pursuit? Eating scraps and rats, he survived in this gloomy and dark place. You felt sorry for your friends, but you also felt sorry for the prisoner. You couldn't give him away. So you decided to pretend you didn't notice anything. Close your eyes to what is happening, as you usually did. Only this time it was much easier to do.

But in the end, everything that is hidden will become clear. You saw him. A thin man whose ribs stood out against his skin. Covered in blood and filth. His growing hair and beard, his whole appearance, turned him into a beast. Once a former person.

He was just finishing the rat. And judging by the bones and meat scattered around him, it was not the first. He ate them all. He killed them all. The rats were not people, but they were dear to you. You guessed that this would happen, but when your thoughts become reality you feel sick. You sobbed.

The creature heard your sobs and turned around sharply. You froze. He's spent too long in pitch darkness, he can see you. You won't be able to hide. But maybe he will run away on his own? You pose no danger. And apparently the man knew this. You could tell by his hungry look and the saliva coming out of his mouth. They only look like that when they want to eat. He wanted it, just differently.

You ran. Heart was beating incredibly loudly, ready to jump out at any minute. You were out of breath, but the stomping from behind urged you on. And yet he caught you. He lay down on your back, breathing heavily into your ear.

“Woman, woman” - the older girls told you that men turn into animals at the sight of a woman. But right now there really was a monster above you, trying to take off his pants. - “Warm. Finally alive. D-don't move. Don’t c-cry, I’ll be quick.”

But you cried. You resisted. Even when he turned you around and punched you in the stomach.

“I-I'm marked. I have a tattoo.” - you choked on tears, not believing that this was the first time you had to talk about this. You desperately tried to stop the man from untying the knot of his pants. - “I serve Jago Sevatarion, the first captain. Y-you can’t touch me.”

"Shut up!" - the man slaps you in the face and you burst into tears. - “I don’t know anyone here. Just let me in. Open up. I want warmth.”

You see how he finally copes with his pants and something in you breaks. Having found a fragment from the bottle, you plunge it into the flesh. A cry of pain is heard in the compartment, but this only spurs you on. You were beaten. He wanted to hurt you. He wanted...

You were weak in body. And it's not that your spirit is strong. But the man in front of you was even worse. You felt sorry for him. And no. You stab the shard into the rapist a few more times until he runs away from you on all fours like a whining dog.

A shiver ran through your body, nausea rising in your throat. You looked at the bloody shard with tears in your eyes. Your whole body ached. Especially those places where you were hit. Especially your tattoo.

***

Sevatar found you in his chambers. Sitting in the darkest corner, covered in blood and dirt. You thought he would brush you off or tell you to clean up after yourself. But the pale face lit up with such rage that you had never seen. You barely held back a whine when he came up to you with lightning speed, pulling you towards him.

“Who did this?” - The first captain looked at you with an anger. The hands squeezed your shoulders painfully, leaving new bruises. - “Some kind of mortal degenerate since you are still alive. Did you show him my sign? Who was it?

“H-he saw it. I met him in the trash compartment. P-probably one of your prisoners.” - you are safe and the man was clearly worried. But why are you so scared? - “But he ran a-away and was hiding. And then we collided. He wanted, he wanted-"

“Rape you, yes, I know, I'm not an idiot.” - the space marine abruptly interrupts your babble and you fall silent. Sevatar looks into your red eyes and runs a finger across your cheek with amazing gentleness, wiping away a tear. - “The blood is not yours. Hurt him?”

Nod.

“Killed?”

You shake your head, almost hiccupping. No, you didn't kill him, you saw him run away. Yes, he was badly injured. Weak and lost too much blood. But could you kill him? And did you want this?

To your horror, you couldn’t really tell. Sevatar chuckles, clearly satisfied with this answer. He examines you one more time, lingering on all the places where your tormentor's blood got into. There was too much of it. Your face was probably all red.

“It suits you, mouse. But I don’t want you to smell like someone else, so wash it off.” - you don’t even have time to think about such strange words. Sevatar did not seem to understand what he said, continuing his thought. - “Since our guards are not coping with their duties, we will have to carry out a purge. We'll find that bastard too. He will receive his well-deserved punishment.”

Sevatar turns to leave the quarters. But he turns around for a moment to look you in the eyes again. All you can do is stand silently in shock. He obviously came to his chambers to rest. But he leaves as soon as he hears what happened to you. He leaves to fulfill his duty.

“Well done for defending yourself.” - an unpleasant grin passes over the pale face and the man chuckles. - “But you are terrible murderer. Lucky you have me.”

It didn't take long at all. As Sevatar later told you, the prisoner was quickly captured. He was bleeding and was on the verge of death. But the Apothecary saved him in time. So that the Astartes could later put their sentence into action, prolonging the man's torment as long as possible.

The warden and guards also received what they deserved. They didn't do their job. They allowed the prisoner to escape and showed the Legion to be weak. They put you in danger. Although you were sure that the first captain kept the last part only for himself and you.

Some were more fortunate, some less so. Some were reprimanded, others were transferred to other positions. Some were beaten. The overseer responsible for such an offense was, of course, gutted in front of his subordinates. So that the new person in his position would better carry out the orders of the Legion.

“Oh, and this is for you.” - the man hands you an iron box with a cooling regulator. You open it with fear and look at the contents in horror. A small human heart, red with blood, lay on pieces of ice. Still fresh.

“If it weren’t for our Apothecary, you would still have finished off this pathetic mortal.” - the man smiled. Just as always that smile gave an unpleasant feeling. But you knew that this time it was not an imitation. He was sincerely happy. - “So keep your trophy.”

“What should I do with it?” - you turn the box in your hands, remembering one of the recent conversations. You look at the first captain like a child who does not understand a simple task. - “Eat?”

“Hah, you can eat it. Or feed it to your rats. Or keep it for yourself as a reminder. Do whatever you want.” - the man speaks relaxedly while his unblinking black eyes look at the tattoo. - “You deserve it.”

Even though it was a human organ. And you never thought that you would keep someone's heart to yourself. And even though it's terrible. It was nice. Nice to receive something of your own as a sign of consolation. Albeit in the manner of the Night Lords.

"Thank you."

You say this quietly, with all the gratitude that glows in your living heart. The man is silent, continuing to look at you. A strange fire burns in the black eyes, which you have never seen before.

Like a mortal, but in a completely different way, Sevatar also wanted to eat you. And to your horror and pleasure, you realize that you would allow him to tear you apart.

"You're welcome."

[zeravmeta]

still not over issekai shikkaku im still recovering from the fact that this is the most pained expression that sensei ever shows. a man who is thoroughly depressed hates his own life leading up to his isekaing and actively tries to kill himself 24/7 has his most agonized and distraught look when he sees that the supposed village of love is demonizing someone for not conforming in how they love. it's especially painful because for all of this mans pessimism its entirely self-directed: he wholeheartedly believes that people can become better through and despite suffering and even when encountering absolute monsters and pathetic people in both native inhabitants and otherworlders he still holds a fondness for their complexity as humans and believes that they can always be better, so seeing this truly bleak scene before him does hurt him in a way that quite frankly nothing else in the story does

he also has one of his softest and fondest expressions watching diantha and eliza leave towards their happy future

[suzukiblu]

Thank-you sentences for likemymask behind the cut; "Jaykon soulmates, Timkon datemates, and the wrong Superboy". (( chrono || non-chrono )) tw: dubcon due to attempted impersonation/rape by deception and a second, subtler dubcon due to "presumably was ordered to do this by someone, but it's currently unclear", but also, like, they're both kinda getting off on it so dubcon + dubcon + ???? = . . . profit?? Or maybe just a little bit of being fucked up, depending. One or the other.

“Stop giving me shit to talk about and do something, then,” fake Superboy purrs, his breath all caught and raspy as his hands slide over Jason’s shoulders and down his chestplate, and Jason bares his teeth at him again. 

He is going to shoot Bruce in both fucking knees for this. 

“Flirt!” fake Superboy says with a laugh, and Jason might believe it was actually the real Superboy’s laugh if he couldn’t feel the slightest overwhelmed tremor in the other’s body. Superboy’s not this fucking new. At least not to this kind of shit, anyway. Also, Superboy hates his fucking guts for entirely understandable reasons, and would never react this way to kissing him no matter what. 

It’d be a nice laugh, though, if it weren’t fucking bullshit. 

And if Jason could actually feel anything from it through the empathy bond, obviously. 

Fuck his fucking life. 

“Shut up,” Jason bites off again, and fake Superboy leers at him in a way he’s pretty sure the real one outgrew before the kid even fucking died or whatever. Jason, personally, preferred the flustered attempt at bravado. 

And also that fucking whine. 

Ugh. Just–fucking ugh. 

“You’re a Bat, aren’t you?” fake Superboy says, still wearing that irritating leer that Jason is seriously considering shooting him in, even if just to make him change his expression a little. “Bet you can figure out a way to keep my mouth bus–ah!” 

Jason tightens his grip on fake Superboy’s fake super-dick, does not let himself wonder if it’s the same perfect match to Superboy’s as this asshole’s face currently is, and definitely does not react to the way that shocky little “ah!” just sounded to him. 

His dick reacts, but it’s a fucking useless traitor anyway, so fuck it. 

“H-Hood,” fake Superboy chokes, abruptly clutching at Jason’s chest hard enough for him to feel through the armor, and yeah, never mind, forget his fucking face: Jason just wants to shoot the fucking bastard in that loud fucking mouth of his. Does this asshole ever stop talking? Like, literally ever? 

Just–fuck it, Jason thinks again, and squeezes the other’s fake super-dick harder. Probably anybody less invulnerable would not appreciate just how hard he’s doing that, in fact. But fake Superboy is very clearly appreciating it, which is doing unfortunate things to Jason right now. 

Fucking figures. 

Also the other’s dick is very literally as hard as steel, and that’s doing really unfortunate things to him right now. 

But also, this isn’t fucking Superboy, and if it was, this wouldn’t be happening at all. So like, that’s very fucking irritating and not at all a fun experience to be having. 

Jason is so fucking pissed about this situation. 

“Oh, so that’s what gets you to shut up, huh,” he observes dryly, and fake Superboy curls his fingers against his chestplate as he bites his lip and looks–different, for a moment. Just a flicker of a moment, but a moment all the same. And yeah, Jason knows very thoroughly that this isn’t Superboy, but he’s seen that look on Superboy’s face before. 

Specifically he’s seen it when Superboy and Tim had thought they were alone together, when Tim had been pressed in close to him in a soft-shadowed corner and reaching up to touch his face and Superboy had been leaning down into his hand and Jason had immediately had to get the fuck out of Gotham entirely for the next six weeks and also do an extra four sessions of therapy over fucking Zoom so his fucking shitty brain wouldn’t get fucking shitty about–anything. Any of it. 

About Superboy’s expression in that shadowed, private moment, soft and embarrassed and overwhelmed and longing and–

So like, Jason finally getting to see that particular expression directed at him by a fucking fake is also not a fun experience to be having. To put it mildly. 

Though–that’s weird, actually, Jason thinks for a flashed moment, holding back an assessing frown. Doesn’t fit the data so far. Why the fuck would fake Superboy go to the effort to make such a perfect mimicry of that expression and then change it so quickly, like he was taking it back or hiding it away or holding back himself, when he’s clearly trying to get Jason to believe that he’s–

Then the fake starts to open his mouth again, and Jason has to interrupt himself to kiss the asshole before said asshole can say anything to make any of this bullshit any worse. And just to make sure fake Superboy won’t be keeping it together enough to run that fucking so-shootable mouth of his, Jason also makes a point of rubbing his dick through the unfortunately thin material of the suit over it. Which is–distracting. To do, that is. Just–distracting. 

Tactile telekinesis means that any kind of body armor just gets in the way and doesn’t do shit anyway, which was a fact that Jason had realized pretty much instantly as soon as he’d heard how it worked, obviously. But he’d never let himself realize that needing to wear something skin-tight might mean just skin under said something. 

Jason really, really needs to pretend that the real Superboy actually does wear underwear, but in retrospect he has never observed any evidence of that whatsoever and this is just not the fucking time to be having that fucking realization. 

Again: fuck his fucking life. Unlife. Relife. What the fuck ever. 

Yeah, this is clearly more of what he gets for being such a goddamn pill to Tim all those times over Bruce being a pill, he thinks sourly. Just, like, the natural progression of the karmic bitchslap that is having his goddamn replacement’s goddamn boyfriend for his soulmate. 

Fuck. His. Fucking. Life. 

The fake, fortunately, kisses him back instead of trying to say whatever he was gonna say, but unfortunately has improved at it again, and more unfortunately is clearly imitating what Jason did to him first, which–again, if this were actually Superboy and Superboy were not dating his fucking brother, would be sort of endearing and make Jason want to show him every single goddamn way he knew how to kiss somebody and maybe make up a few news ones just for him. Make him wanna take him someplace soft and shadowed of their own, and– 

But that is not even slightly what’s happening here, fucking obviously, so instead Jason is just getting increasingly pissed off about literally everything that has ever happened since the goddamn founding of Gotham and Superman’s idiot dad picking this fucking direction to send his fucking kid’s escape pod. 

This piece of shit panic button isn’t worth shit. 

Or, like, this prick’s just wearing some kind of scrambler or disrupter and actually, yeah, that makes more sense, goddammit, how did he not think of that sooner? How was that not a thing he was taking into account sooner? 

Probably because Bat-tech is so stupidly hard to fuck with that it’s fucking comically ridiculous at this point–get fucking therapy, Babs–but goddamn still, “hard” isn’t “impossible”. 

Jason bites fake Superboy’s mouth maybe a little too hard to pass for not being, like, actively fucking malicious. Fake Superboy doesn’t even have the decency to notice; his breath catches and he makes this unbearably hot little whine of a sound in the back of his throat. 

This sucks, Jason thinks accusingly, and shoves the other back harder into the bricks. Considering what fake Superboy’s wearing and the fact that Jason benches 480 on a bad day, it should hurt. 

It clearly does not, going by the flushed, heated expression on fake Superboy’s face and the way he wraps his arms around Jason’s neck and drags him back in to kiss again, and again, and– 

“Hood,” fake Superboy mumbles into his mouth, sounding a little punch-drunk and dizzy about it. Jason’s cock immediately wants him mumbling his name around it. 

His dick game definitely is not good enough to flip a supervillain, but then again, this specific supervillain apparently isn’t all that experienced, so maybe he’ll at least manage to distract him for a while. Fuck it, whatever the prick’s up to can still be sabotaged, right? 

Jason grips fake Superboy’s irritatingly perfect ass again; digs his fingers in like he’s trying to break or crush something. Superboy–fake Superboy–gasps into his mouth and tightens his arms around his neck and hooks a leg around the back of his calf to give himself a little bit of a better angle to press his cock in against the armor of Jason’s jock, and Jason wants to hit his panic button again and maybe just keep smacking the damn thing ‘til somebody in coordinating vigilante gear shows up. Fuck, he’ll take a goddamn rogue attack, at this point. 

His scumbag piece of shit of a dick unfortunately continues to find every single goddamn thing that fake Superboy is currently doing incredibly hot, probably at least a little bit because it’s fifty-fifty if Jason actually lives through this bullshit or not. Which sure is something he’s gonna need to mention to Denise next session, for obvious reasons, but also is definitely still a good sixty or seventy percent about how fucking hot Superboy is. Just–his irritatingly perfect fucking body that Jason’s always wanted to get his fucking hands on and the smug attitude and cocky posture and all the other shit that this asshole’s ripping off right now, and also the stupid way he runs his stupid mouth, and just–all of it, yeah, way too fucking much of it. 

Christ. 

At least the guy could have the fucking mercy to fucking shut up, if nothing else. 

“H-Hood,” fake Superboy groans with karmically bullshit timing, still unfortunately not around Jason’s cock, and Jason bares his teeth and bites him. Fake Superboy makes that same goddamn unfair little whine again and tightens his arms around his neck for a moment, pressing clumsily back into the not-really-a-kiss before pulling back a few inches and very obviously attempting to get a handle on himself. He . . . sort of does it. 

Sort of does it in a way that Jason immediately regrets. 

“C’mon, c’mon, show me what you got, babe, you know I always wanted a ride, never fuckin’ bored when you’re around, you’re the fucking best time–” the fake pants, still in all close with his eyes all heated and hazy on Jason’s face and his breath hot and damp against his mouth, and Jason smashes their mouths back together in self-defense and kisses him like he’s got a fucking grudge, because he fucking does. 

And also he really, really cannot handle hearing any more of that fucking talk in Superboy’s fucking voice right now. Or ever. Literally fucking ever. 

Fake Superboy moans into the kiss and clutches at Jason’s back; hooks his leg tighter around his calf and jerks his dick up clumsily against his jock. Jason wants to shove a kryptonite sounding rod up the fucking thing and leave it there, but since this still might be Superboy’s body that’s probably not a thing he’s gonna get to do. 

Though the thought is vaguely mollifying, at least. 

At least, the thought is mollifying for all of about two seconds, after which point Jason’s scumbag piece of shit dick wonders if maybe Superboy likes it rough and would actually just let somebody do that to him, and if he’d look that vulnerable and overwhelmed soft-shadow way for something as vulnerable as that. And yeah, then he has to fucking deal with everything that idea does to his head, because of fucking course he does, fucking Christ in fucking hell. 

Jason shoves his jock in hard against the fake’s dick and does not keep wondering if Superboy likes it rough. Though the fake very definitely does, judging by the way he moans even louder and clutches harder at the back of Jason’s jacket all eager, greedy urgency that is very obviously putting in the effort to learn how to work past his initial clumsiness here, but just as obviously still overwhelmed by just this little bit of attention. Jason can, again, feel it through the armor. Just–that’s a thing, yeah, apparently Kryptonian dick is just like that. Apparently that’s a thing. 

Fuck this fucking bullshit panic button, Jason thinks with the last single scrap of calm in himself. He’s going to rip Bruce’s goddamn head off for this fucking bullshit, whether it’s his goddamn fault about the fucking thing not working or not. 

This is too fucked-up even for him, seriously. Even he does not have enough wrong with him to be getting off for this. 

Except he definitely is, so that’s just–fucking great, yeah. Just great. Real fun extra ten years of therapy he’s gonna need to unpack all that shit, Jason thinks in self-disgust. 

“You’ll show me a good time, right, Hood?” Superboy–fucking fake Superboy, for fuck’s sake!–says, his voice going a little more breathless even as he pulls back just enough to flash Jason a wicked, dirty smirk that does not belong on a face that’s just barely learned how to fucking kiss. Christ. 

It really doesn’t help how flushed said face is, either. 

Just–for fuck’s sake, what is wrong with him? 

“Not actually fucking your whore ass without a condom, thanks,” Jason says brusquely, because at least that’s an excuse he can grab for if nobody’s gonna Bat-dial him an out here, or at least maybe if he implies he “wants” to top the guy won’t be willing to go that far, given–

“Hmmm, what color?” fake Superboy asks teasingly as his dirty smirk widens into a sharp, heated grin and he drops a hand down to his thigh pouch. “You’re definitely bigger than Rob, but bet I’ve got one in red.” 

Fuck. His. Fucking. Life. 

After this, Jason’s just going back to the damn cemetery and digging up his grave to move back into. That’s just what he’s gonna be doing after this, yeah.

[brainrotcharacters]

I'm convinced that Odysseus first took the suitors weapons out of the room and then strung his bow quietly while they talk shit. Antinuous talked a play by play about mutilating Telemachus and raping Penelope and all he'll take from Odysseus is a dagger? A basic bow and arrow? No. No, the same bow he failed to string is the same bow that'll kill him.

[aftgficrec]

Hi do you guys know of any fics where neil ends up in Easthaven (or similar) because years of ignoring his trauma and refusing Bee finally catches up with him and it’s andreil focused?

There’s plenty about Neil and his mental health around, but most fics where Neil is in Easthaven or a similar institution are AUs. We’ve got some postcanon fics for you here where Neil has neglected his mental health to such a degree that the consequences are fairly disastrous (even though often he finally agrees to go to therapy). So, beware of the trigger warnings! - S

Also see these previous recs:

(see top of posts for further recs)

Neil & Bee here 

Neil goes to therapy here

Neil attempts suicide here

You might also like…

Andreil and eating disorders here

Andreil meet in Easthaven here

Neil with depression/mental illness here

Neil with anxiety attacks here

Some more fics featuring Neil struggling with his mental health/seeking help:

‘cracked but not smashed’ here

‘I No Longer Feel Things (I Know I Should)’ (since updated) and ‘I can feel you under my skin’ here

‘I'm Not Okay (I Promise)’ here

‘yes, I’m still trying’ here

I feel the burden now (it’s weighing down my soul) by Loverz_rock [Not Rated, 3238 words, complete, 2024]

Neil broke away from Andrew’s gaze to stare out the window. “Will you keep me from killing myself? Ever since you gave me a key and told me to stay I’ve been fighting to do just that. But I don’t have it in me to do it any longer. I don’t know how to live now that I’m allowed to.” Neil let his fingers run through his hair as he returned his gaze to the blond. Andrew’s hand twitched to reach out. Instead he took a long drag from his cigarette, focusing on letting the smoke out. “Don’t ask for stupid things. I’m not going to make a deal about that” Neil didn’t push, he just stood there staring at Andrew while inhaling the smoke to keep him grounded. “I’m already doing that, idiot.” Or: Neil is sinking down a dark place during his last year of college, but Andrew is there to catch him.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: panic attacks, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: ptsd

I Am A Forest Fire by hetheylecter [Rated M, 3558 words, complete, 2024]

Everyone was staring at him, he knew. They were thinking how stupid he was for all this. He was Neil Josten. He was Nathaniel fucking Wesninski. He should not be breaking down over a few friends family moving on with their lives.  or. it’s neil’s senior year. he’s totally coping.

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: ptsd, tw: vomit, tw: dissociation, tw: blood

Neil Josten is Not Fine by the_greater_grief [Rated T, 3365 words, complete, Aftg Then & Never 2024]

After weeks of nightmares and an embarrassing discovery, Neil finally decides to pay Betsy a visit.

tw: implied/referenced torture, tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: nightmares, tw: bedwetting

i'll take anything you have (if you could throw me a line) by ifitmeanslosingyou [Rated M, 923 words, complete, 2024]

the sunrise can be pretty, neil thinks, but instead of the pinks and oranges washing him with ease, neil can’t help the panic at the thought that he’s been up here for longer than he planned to he wonders if anyone has even realized he left the dorms in the first place, wonders if andrew even looked when neil left the bedroom, wonders if he gave up, wonders if he finally came to his senses and realized neil was more trouble than he’s worth wonders if the roof of the court is high enough that the fall would kill him

tw: suicidal thoughts, tw: implied/referenced self harm

help, I've lost myself again (but I remember you) by abitsillygoofy [Not Rated, 5320 words, complete, 2024]

“Neil we have to talk about it,” Betsy said “I don’t think so” Neil replied “Nope, not happening” He popped the p at the end trying to make the woman mad at him. “You just tried to kill yourself, so I think we have to have this talk” Betsy didn’t seem bothered by his act and kept her nice, neutral facial expression, but unlike on his session looked worried too. or Neil wakes up in the hospital after his suicide attempt and has to face what he did.

tw: suicide attempt, tw: self harm, tw: blood

I Quit Talking Again, I Know You're Still Listening by Hyalophagia [Not Rated, 36085 words, complete, 2024]

"Andrew didn’t know how to stop something from breaking; he’d nearly died trying. But Neil had taught him it was possible to put the broken pieces back together, and he was determined to return the favour." Neil was only a freshman and a rookie when he made his deal with Ichirou. He hadn't stopped to consider how much pressure he was putting on himself; he'd lived in danger his entire life and was used to fighting to stay alive. He'd be fine. He'd always been fine and he always would be. Right?

tw: self harm, tw: dissociation, tw: disordered eating, tw: ptsd, tw: panic attacks

hand. cheek. trigger. bang. by tae_doelee [Rated T, 3980 words, incomplete, last updated March 2022]

(NB: fic is marked as complete, but the storyline is left unfinished)

Neils struggle with depression post-AFTG, things have changed but maybe not as much as he thought.

tw: ptsd, tw: depression, tw: dissociation

You Still have me by Marydu [Rated G, 3826 words, complete, 2022]

Neil is missing again Andrew is worried Where is Neil? What the hell is going on? Andrew is furious that he doesn't know

tw: dissociation, tw: alcohol abuse, tw: minor character death

bullet point fic/headcanon by nightquills [Rated T, collection, complete, 2021]

Chapter 8: out of touch

neil knew that things couldn’t stay the same forever. he knew he and his foxes, his friends, his family would be leaving palmetto soon to start the rest of their lives. 

tw: depression, tw: dissociation

Choices by Tori_Scribbles [Rated T, 3306 words, complete, 2019]

Part 6 of In A Foxes Hole

“You walked into Evermore, knowing full well what they were going to do to you. You left with your father’s people not expecting to come back out alive. But Betsy is what you’re terrified of?”

tw: anxiety, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced child abuse

Neil & therapy by @queer-lovebot [tumblr, 2023]

Knowing Neil, he isn’t getting therapy post-canon for at Least 5 years. He is, however, extremely curious about the effects it has on literally all the other Foxes.

AU-setting:

you make your hand a gun (you lie to everyone) by superache208 [Rated T, 13740 words, incomplete, last updated Jan 2025]

When Andrew arrives at the Columbia Psychiatric Hospital, he feels nothing but numb. That is until he meets his roommate Neil. Neil has been in the hospital for two weeks, and he's determined to escape. Unless someone gives him a reason to stay. Or: where Neil and Andrew first meet in a Psychiatric Hospital before ever meeting the Foxes and slowly learn to heal.

tw: suicide attempt, tw: anxiety, tw: ptsd, tw: eating disorders, tw: paranoia

more than enough by drunk_poet [Rated M, 6114 words, complete, 2024]

In the shadows of a quiet mental hospital, two broken men find themselves adrift in a world that doesn’t see them. Andrew Minyard hides behind silence, having long forgotten how to connect with anyone. Neil Josten wears his scars like armor, each one a piece of his fractured past. Neither of them expects more than solitude within these walls. But when their paths cross in the silence of an empty room, something unexpected stirs—an understanding, a shared darkness that only they can see in each other. Drawn together by wounds that refuse to heal, they begin to find solace in each other's presence, their guarded hearts slowly thawing in moments of quiet connection. Their bond is fragile, threatened by the very ghosts that brought them here, yet they find themselves clinging to it, both terrified and mesmerized by the possibility of love in the unlikeliest of places.

tw: self harm, tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: panic attacks

5 Meter Walls | 5 Meter Mauern by jetblackromance [Rated E, 7570 words, complete, 2024]

Teen Neil and teen Andrew meet in a psychiatric ward. Neil’s mom died at the beach after an encounter with Neil's father's men. Neil's own wounds were more severe than he had thought. He passed out in a motel and the owner called child services on him. They found him just in time and called an ambulance. After a few weeks in the hospital, they decided a stay at the psychiatric ward would be best for him. Andrew was staying with Cass and Richard. He had accepted that he had to deal with Drake if he wanted to stay with Cass. He found his own way to cope with it. Usually he hid it well enough; no one but Drake knew about it, the armbands covered the evidence. But one day, Cass saw and signed him up for an eight week long stay at a psychiatric ward.

tw: implied/referenced rape/noncon, tw: implied/referenced self harm, tw: implied/referenced child abuse, tw: graphic depictions of violence, tw: scars

Sunrise by hetheylecter [Rated M, 4459 words, complete, 2024]

Freedom was… not what Neil was expecting. It wasn’t as… freeing?  or. neil navigates the hell that is middle school, mental health, and freedom.

tw: self harm, tw: suicide attempt, tw: eating disorders, tw: implied/referenced bullying

Butchered Bloodline by starrycassi [Rated M, 26472 words, incomplete, last updated Oct 2024]

Nathaniel's life is pretty boring. He has been a long-term patient in a mental facility for the last half of a decade, after all, so there aren't that many options to entertain oneself with. That is until Andrew Minyard breaks into his life — along with a serial killer, a chance to rebuild his life and a truth for truth deal. Or the one where after being captured along with his father, Nathaniel attempts to keep up with his own existence.

tw: graphic descriptions of violence, tw: implied/referenced murder, tw: implied/referenced dismemberment, tw: cannibalism, tw: ptsd, tw: implied/referenced torture

Baby, We're Both Crazy by Detective4 [Not Rated, 7806 words, incomplete, last updated Jan 2023]

“So...Have you been here before?” Neil’s eyebrows furrowed, “What?” “To Orchard Respite. Or any other hospital I guess. This is my second time here, sixth time in a psychiatric hospital in total.” Daniel said, far too cheerfully. “This is… My first time.” “A first-timer?” Daniel’s eyes widened, “Boy, are you in for a treat."  -- Teens Andrew and Neil meet for the first time in a mental hospital. They've both been committed against their will and both for different reasons. With all their multitudes of issues, can they find love?

tw: implied/referenced suicide attempt, tw: implied/referenced self harm

[blissfulrain12]

The Dead Pixel Convo Isn't About Jimmy

So I've expressed how I have a different interpretation than the common theories. And now I'm even more convinced the dead pixel isn't about Jimmy or red flags.

I saw this post of a transcription of the scene and I noticed some things. Thank you @familiarartistname for taking the time to transcribe this!

https://www.tumblr.com/familiarartistname/768986384951328768/the-dead-pixel?source=share

So what I noticed is that Anya and Curly parallel each other in this conversation. My thoughts are in purple cause Curly just had to speak in white lol

So it starts with Curly checking in with Anya. She says she can't sleep and Curly empathizes with her.

Anya then brings up that she likes the screen. Though she says it as if liking the screen is something unusual. Like it's something Curly wouldn't believe.

Then she brings up the dead pixel.

Curly responds by believing her, looking for it, but not being able to see it.

Then we get both of them commenting on how the dead pixel weighs on their minds. Anya can't stop thinking about it and Curly will go crazy looking for it.

And then Curly mirrors Anya's earlier words. He likes the screen but doesn't think he should.

It's this parallel that struck me reading the transcript. If this is supposed to be about Curly missing the red flags/Jimmy's true nature why does Anya give the same sentiment? She already knew about the pixel when she says she likes the screen and that she deliberately comes to look at it. Curly is aligning with her. The pixel doesn't ruin the screen, it's peaceful. They even both express doubts that they shouldn't like the screen. Anya anticipates disbelief while Curly feels he needs to justify it. We know Anya isn't ignoring or missing the Jimmy situation so if Curly is aligning with her in this conversation this can't be about him missing it either.

The only significant difference between them is that Anya can see the pixel and Curly can't. But this difference isn't due to dismissal or denial of the pixel. He believes her and once made aware he starts looking for it and then aligns with her view of the screen. Which just doesn't match the popular red flag/Jimmy interpretations to me.

It also strikes me that if this conversation was about Curly missing/ignoring the red flags that Anya isn't asking Curly to do anything about the dead pixel. She's telling him how it effects her and then he shares in kind. And then there's the nature of a dead pixel. You can't fix a dead pixel because dead pixels are permanent. To get rid of it you have to get rid of the whole screen. Anya and Curly still like the screen.

So yeah, I think the dead pixel conversation makes more sense to me as representing abuse. How Anya can see her abuse clearly while Curly can't. How it's always on the back of Anya's mind while Curly will go bonkers looking for it. How they both don't let it ruin things for them even though they have doubts that it should. And now after looking at the dialog again it also represents how paralleled they truly are.

There is one thing I was initially wrong about though. Curly doesn't change the subject.

Anya changes the subject. This is our first hint about her pregnancy. And also tells us how much longer they're trapped with Jimmy. Of note is that Curly speaks as if he's unsure ("Off the top of my head" and "Around") but then gives a very specific number, 237, instead of something like 235 or 240. Is he counting down the days?

Then there's the part about the locks. Of course it's a cue towards Anya's rape but it also tells us about Pony Express' priorities and gives us another parallel between Anya and Curly. The answer to Anya's question is safety but not the crews safety. The locks that are on the Tulpar are for the safety of Pony Express' property. Despite Anya and Curly having access to the locks in the medbay and cockpit due to being the Nurse and Captain neither of them are safe. They are both being actively abuse because the safety measures on the ship aren't for them.

[nowimjustastranger]

How does Lee react when he finds out he has grand-niblings? Or is that a spoiler?

Also also has there been a time where Ford goes absolutely feral, to protect a Stanley?

For your first question, I answered an ask concerning the niblings here. And also, I explained that Lee doesn't have niblings in this ask here. Happy reading!

As for your second question, I have some stcmo spoilers below the cut:

Stan is in a prison in Columbia.

Ford leaves Lee at their hideout, not wanting him to be involved in something so heinous.

Stan is threatened with a shank and nearly raped by his cellmate when 419”3 steps in, grabbing the offending party and dragging him into the portal and to somewhere quieter. Ford basically restrains the man to a table, casually mentioning that this is the seventeenth timeline that he’s tried to do that shit to his brother.

Ford leaves the man to deal with later and goes back into the cell to calm Stan down. Ford has to erase his memory of his intervention, but Ford wants to leave him with some manner of comfort so Ford leaves Stan with a small but powerful stun device that doubles as a pen in order to camouflage it.

Ford then pays a visit to his counterpart, who is exploring Gravity Falls. Ford leaves the footage of what almost happened on Ford’s porch as well as the address of the prison. The tape cuts out just before Ford 419”3 shows up, and the suspense should kick his counterpart into gear.

Stan is released soon after since Ford pulled some strings to clear Stan’s name (even though he definitely did what he was in prison for, lol).

Ford is waiting for him outside. Stan doesn't even care that his brother had just seen him step out of a prison, he drops his shit to drag Ford into a crushing hug. And, when Stan pulls back, he holds Ford’s face and says “I’m sorry.”

Ford’s neutral expression shatters, his face crumpling as he pulls Stan into another hug, desperately clinging to him.

[niuniente]

Aaa, I did some digging on how the hell writing is so inconsistent in Buffy. Turns out the creator Whedon was abusive towards pretty much everyone on the set through all the years they were filming Buffy.

He especially hated that Spike's actor made Spike popular and fans wanted more of him. Whedon threatened Spike's actor James: " (He) backed me up against a wall one day and he was just like, ‘I don’t care how popular you are, kid, you’re dead. You hear me? Dead. Dead!'" Apparently, you don't mess with Whedon's own plans (which is weird; he should know that characters do what they want and it should be an honor if a character resonates with the audience, even when it wasn't your plan).

Whedon also told to Buffy's stunt actress and the stunt coordinator, who met in the series and started dating, that if they don't break up, he's going to destroy both of their careers.

Cordelia's actress got pregnant during Angel filming and Whedon kept insisting that she should abort the baby (because his artistic visions are now ruined).

Even his wife said he's an asshole!

Well. Suddenly it makes perfect sense why - especially Spike - is written so inconsistently. The creator hated the character and its actor. No wonder Spike has been written to do horrible things - yes, I read about Spike's rape attempt towards Buffy, sometime at the end of S6. I'm not that far yet but I suspect it has been written something like "Don't you dare to leave me, bitch!". Lots of attempts to make fans hate Spike from the S5 onward...

I'm always underlining that creations don't really speak about their creators but also, whatever we create, we leave our fingerprints on them.

And Buffy is full of shitty, shitty fingerprints of its creator....