#rambley brain essay

[perhaps-only-a-mirage]

Warning; Home Stuck......

i really like all the sprites in homestuck! they are all so very shape, and so very color. i've always really liked the idea of the mechanics of it and all, especially with the sprites that aren't *really* the kids (like jaspers, bec, kinda nanna)

HOWEVER: the alpha kids, where are their cool sprites! it's just kid after kid, and the trolls were just mushed together until they weren't. so, i present to you all... some alpha kid sprites that i've come up with! they don't really line up with canon, and would probably just result in even more excess characters, but that's alright, this is just a hypothetical after all. i'm significantly more confident in my choices with the strilondes, not so much with the crockenglishes. anyway, here goes!

Poppopsprite?

...OK yeah that one's kind of obvious. but come on, the dynamic would be so cool! there are already almost no character interactions between Jane and Nannasprite, but the concept alone is already so interesting. what differences would there be between our dear friend Johnathan and Poppop? how would growing under such harsh conditions change him, and how would he *not* change? there are interesting questions here, and i desire to see them. i like it when symmetry, so i presume he would be all sleuth'd up.. though i'm not sure if there's an appropriate item to prototype for this. where's a giant detective doll when you need it?

Mutiesprite!

i'm surprised i haven't seen this one more! it's always been kind of sad how little Vodka Mutini gets to be Roses cat for awhile, but then seems to die on meteor impact in both timelines. thus, i present, the Lalonde cat swap! Rose gets Mutie, Roxy eventually obtains Mutie, and then Mutiesprite. Roxy gets Jaspers, Rose eventually obtains Jaspers, and then Jaspersprite. absolute kitty perfection. as for the second prototyping, i think it's likely that one of Roxy's wizard dolls could fall into the sprite in some way. not sure what the design would be, but i think the wizard kitty is a very nice thought :-]

...Li'l Halcalsprite! (i'm not sorry)

okay just listen. i know this scrambles canon a lot, but. Hal and Cal sprite fusion. look, it parallels Davesprite AND Calsprite, see??? and Hal could totally just get a proper robot body later! this would give both Dirk and the audience the most psychic damage possible, and it's beautiful. AND in character! remember, both of those Dirks love cal. and what better way for, uh, Hal to deflect from that dark scene?.. okay i'm admittedly pretty bad at judging characters, but it works if you squint at it. moving on!

uuhhh... uuuuuhhhhh.. sprite!

okay i have no idea. Jake, my man, where is your silly dead thing of choice that would parallel Becsprite and Jadesprite? uhhh.. Gcat, maybe? i don't know, i always dislike how Gcat is dismissed and shoved into sprites. uhh. mmmaybe Grandma English took the remains of Halley with her...??? it'd be cool! i guess! okay yeah i have nothing. sorry Jake :-(

those are my hypothetical alpha kid sprites. sorry if this was a bit scatterbrained and hard to read, i'm mostly just dumping my thoughts out here in case anyone else stumbles upon them. tell me if you can think of any alpha kid sprites, OK?

[rise-my-angel]

Honestly, this fandom exhausts me to hell and back. It's difficult to exist in as someone who needs my opinions affirmed by someone else for me to even consider seeing them as valid.

In general, though with some nuance to be found inside, I'm someone who likes the Starks, supports Northern independence, dislikes the Targs and dislikes incestuous ships. Now, since I'm so fucking insecure about my thoughts and opinions, I need to find someone who I generally agree with in order to be able to engage with a fandom in a way that doesn't make me want to behead myself.

So I look for supporters of Northern independence, whom are usually Sansa fans, but I don't make it for long before seeing that they have some wildly Stark/North-negative takes. I go on to look for people who actually like House Stark but end up finding out that a lot of them are pro-Targ restoration for some reason. So I leave and look for people who don't want a Targaryen to rule Westeros again, only to end up circling back around to the Sansa stans who not only actively look for reasons to dislike anything Northern and Stark that doesn't relate to Sansa, but also ship her with her own brother. So I look for people who don't hate any and every thing Northern only to find Dany/Arya stans (who are in a weird sort of alliance for whatever reason) who compare the North's want for independence to MAGA (That's an actual thing people believe in... for some reason.) and either ship Arya with her brother or Jon with his aunt. It's a neverending loop, and a personal hell for someone who has kind of insecurities that I do.

The loop this fandom throws my brain into is something along the lines of 'See, this opinion that I have is valid because this other person has it as well! But that other opinion is the spawn of satan, actually, and you're dumb for believing it.' and 'Well, actually that other opinion is objectively correct! This other opinion that you have, however, is objectively evil.' and it's not a nice loop to be stuck in.

It's not even as if I have takes that are contradictory. It's just that this fandom has been so insane for so long that it has become normal for them to be viewed as such by some people. And it's difficult to be a regular here, because even though I have written essay-length metas, I'm in constant need of outside affirmation for me to be able to have even a crumb of confidence in my own opinions. Which is something that says more about my damaged psyche than it does about the fandom alone, I know, but the very fact that the social structure of this fandom seems to encourage and enflame such insecurities says enough, if you ask me.

Conclusion: This fandom fucking sucks, and if I could press a button that would magically destroy all asoiaf fandom spaces, I would in a heartbeat. Good news though, I bought a giant fuckign plushie that'll hopefully help me deal with all these stupid assaults of anxiety that this fandom semi-regularly puts me through. Anyway, I am very sleepy as I'm writing this and, if it wasn't obvious enough, Not Doing Very Good mentally. So if it sounds rambley or doesn't make sense at all, that's probably the reason, I just wanted to put my grievances into words. I felt like I'd explode if I didn't.

Well, first of all, your views and opinions are always welcome and valid here! I am thrilled to get asks like this and discussions like this, because, like you, I am in the minority on these issues. I know I'm only one person but I am always happy to hear your thoughts!

Now, the thing I learned a while back is a lot of the stances on the North and Targaryeans in relation to Sansa, Arya, and Dany, is a LOT of it has to do with the never ending Jon shipping wars.

Now, Jonsa shippers typically aren't pro targ restoration, because they want the ending from the show of Sansa being Queen in the North. But, they also want Sansa to be in charge as regent, so they reduce Jon to King consort who is happy not to be a leader. But, because these people typically do not engage with the Starks as they are, they attribute a LOT of Sansa's more southern traits to her entire personality. So, the North needs her as their Queen becuase she will rule and tame and civilize them the way the North needs, instead of allowing her to embrace the fact that Sansa is still a Northerner and does value her home and traditions and wouldn't want things to be like they were in the South where she suffered. So, thats what a lot of that comes from in the Sansa side. They are typically more hardcore Jonsa shippers that see Sansa as the one who needs to be Queen to tame the North and Jon to being civilized becuase they wrongly think that Sansa's Northern traits aren't important. They normally arne't pro targ restoration, but not because they look at the Targaryeans the way say you and I do. They are against targ restoration, because they are simply anti jonerys and thus hate that idea because it means that ship gets in the way of theirs.

Arya's weird side tends to come from two places, but more often then not it comes from an anti jonsa place. They sometimes are Jonrya shippers, but they know that is unpopular and less accepted, so they shift typically to the next thing they can that isnt jonsa which is Jonerys. Sometimes its just Jonerys shippers straight up most of the time. These people typically are the ones who think that Arya will love Dany and Dany will love Arya, because of how important Arya is to Jon, they need Arya to be a #1 Dany supporter because they are shipping Jonerys and Jon would prioritize Arya over Dany if it came down to it, so they have to have Arya on Danys side to avoid that. They normally are just targ stans deep down, and thus will always support targ restoration because Arya and Jon to them are just tools to give Dany what she wants.

So, a lot of these people do not advocate for the North in any good faith, because it gets in the way of their shipping goals. A lot of Northern independance is staked on the efforts of Robb, and Jon going forward in the books. But, because they mostly view those characters, especially Jon, as just vehicles to accomplish things for their favourite female Queen character, what Robb and Jon stand for, which is inheirintly the North in it's purest form, cannot be a priority because then it would nessesitate Jon still being in charge.

They want either Sansa or Dany or Arya in charge and thus Jon and his goals have to be reduced, which means the importance of the North and their culture or independance needs to be diminished to justify why the most suited Northern character cannot be the one to lead them.

There are some outliars that are just very negative and bad faith for little justification, but a lot of the time when I've dug deeper, a LOT of these anti North people tend to be the very same people who are locked into the toxic Jon incest shipping wars, and their views of the North are corellated into what suits their ship the best and it is never with the Norths bests interest in mind.

I don't blame you for being exhausted with it, it is very exhausting to me, but what helps is being so vocal on my blog about how I feel about it all and the North, and maybe it will inspire at least some people to look at the topic in a different light.

[moonstruckwytch]

okay but i totally thought it was a weasley too in the finally drew this robe post u rbd

it is apparently hux from star wars (which i am also a massive fan of i will admit) but i was legitimately like…. ron???

AND THEN i was like “no ron wouldn’t wear something like that” … chaRLIE????

and then i checked the tags and felt very silly

[idk-my-aesthetic]

Oh I totally agree. Like the ability to just completely shirk his identity bc it’s easier. Like his name had to be one of his last connections to humanity & his family and he just gave it up bc it was convenient. Which like he’s so obsessive about his other connections to his old life but they’re all kinda perverted in a way?

I feel like there’s so many possible interpretations for the casual way he discards his name. Like

1) it’s pretty heavily implied that he is really immature in a lot of ways, even if he’s pretty good at hiding it he’s pretty obviously immature in the way he understands the world. (His outlook is very black and white like a child’s and he doesn’t seem to consider the effects he has on other ppl or really consider other ppl to be real). So for him changing his name might be easy bc this whole thing is like a big game to him- like how he used to play with his brother as a child. Except what he sees as a game is very real and very dangerous to everyone else

2) belos is a master manipulator and pretty much prepared to do whatever the hell he needs to to get what he wants. So maybe his name wasn’t actually all that easy for him to ditch, but he’s ready to play the act of belos as long as necessary to get what he wants

3) his name is kinda the last true connection to the human world and his family. Like I see before he’s really sort of twisted and perverted the other connections he had, especially to his brother (see the mask and. Hunter.)

4) giving up his human name might represent giving up the last of his humanity? Just a thought it might be a bit of a reach

There’s probably a lot more that you could infer from this and the other stuff we know about him but this is already too long shhdhdhdhfhf

Idk why but something kind of unsettled me about the fact that Philip changed his name to Belos only for convenience sake and not for any other more meaningful reasons like i expected

[boomerang109]

*looks at my fic, which hasn’t been updated in 4 weeks (other than edits because i Didn���t Like It) and i’ve now driven myself into a horrible writers block immediately after outlining the entire thing possibly because i have outlined the entire thing and i forgot where i was going with this but am i sending it anyway yes i am please god tell me to write someone threw my motivation out the window and it’s all muddy now and i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block anyway ily cant wait for the next chapter of wwda get it out when you can don’t stress ily bye*

don’t tell me why my brain is like “yes we can answer this but we’ll combust if we look at any messages.” there’s no logic but i’ll get around to your messages and everyone else’s there. (to everyone waiting for like two sentence answers who’s seeing me post paragraphs, i’m sorry. the braincell does not function)

the way that i’m in YES! i can help! mode even tho i myself am lowkey in writer’s block which means i’m not qualified at all ajfhjghfgfdjghj

first of all: outlines are just to guide you. they stress me the fuck out too (which is why i’ve refused to put my wwda outline to paper, despite the fact that this means the timeline is absolutely fucked. like it’s in my brain, but if i put it on paper i’ll try to stick to it and i’ll freak out--see my month long break when i had an “outline” for chapter four). you can have goals for chapters (ie, lay groundwork for foreshadowing/character development/etc) but overall? just let yourself sit in front of the computer and vibe. don’t think about where you’re going, just think about where you are. 

“i don wanna touch it oh god what even is that metaphor see what i mean about the writers block“ this? this is you judging yourself while you write and i don’t want to see ANY of that shit. writing is a process and editing is a thing, but when you’re doing your first draft you just gotta word vomit. sorry that’s a gross phrase but that’s what i do. and honestly? most of wwda is barely pieced together word vomit. idek why anyone likes it, but they do. and even if they didn’t--nothing would exist if you don’t put something to paper to start with.

apparently this advice doesn’t apply to everyone (i still can’t process @hella1975 ‘s writing technique like what the actual fuck) but for me one of the big things with writer’s block is starting where i want to start and just writing whatever fucking scenes i want. idk if that makes sense so i’ll put it into the context of wwda. so when i was still in my fucking intensive class i wasn’t writing cause i didn’t have time except for like a few minutes before bed at like 3am. now at 3am i’m not gonna write suki and azula being rivals cause i can barely handle that dynamic when i’m Focused. but at 3am i’m sad as fuck and i generally like to peruse the ao3 dadkoda tag, so instead i just wrote my own dadkoda scenes for much later (although they’re not actually that far off) in the fic. are they gonna need some editing cause i was just like ‘maximum angst even tho this scene is supposed to be about healing’? yes. yes i was. now the other day on the plane (when i really should’ve been working on an essay i didn’t end up finishing) i was like okay, i need to work on something actually relevant to chapter 12. but i’ve worked myself into a corner with my azula & iroh scene so i didn’t want to deal with that bullshit on two hours of sleep and also being called “miss” and other female terms in the airport got me all in the gender feels so i was like oh! i’ll write some more enby aang! and i wrote this like gorgeous passage or two on aang’s gender feels. and yeah, it probably makes no sense for aang cause i wrote it from a pov that was too much me and not enough aang, but the point still remains. i skipped to a part of the chapter that was important to me. and then i realized that aang could be having these thoughts in the context of another scene which led to . . . and there i was with somewhat of a complete thought for the chapter. 

also along those lines, if you’re having writer’s block you gotta look at that block. what’s wrong? is there something wrong with the story up to this point? is there something you don’t like about where you’re going? is there something you really want to write that you’re not letting yourself write? 

cause the thing is, we’re not professional authors. we’re fic writers. we do this for fun cause we love the characters. so if you’re not loving the characters for some reason, you shouldn’t force yourself. take the pressure off yourself. this fandom is so supportive, they’re not going to rush you (literally look at the fact that even as you say you’re excited for wwda you also tell me not to stress) and remember to apply that to yourself. it’s okay to need a break, whether that’s cause the vibes are off or cause you’re tired or any other reason. 

i tried to write a bunch of different thoughts cause i know different things work for different people, i hope at least one of these ideas help. i literally haven’t looked at wwda even though i really want to be writing (and i still haven’t been reading fic). sometimes our brains just don’t cooperate. and yeah, i could sit here and yell at myself and go “what the fuck boom you’ve been looking forward to writing for literal weeks and now you have time and you’re doing other stuff what is wrong with you” and sometimes it’s really tempting to give into that. but the truth is i don’t usually do as much work as i did the past few weeks on as little sleep as i got so i’m really fucking tired. and so i’m giving myself a break. and i’m just not emotionally prepared to read fic cause--oh oops i hadn’t admitted to myself until right this second that i was avoiding fic cause i’m suppressing my feelings that kinda hurt wtf this wasn’t supposed to become therapy hour wtf. but as dumb as all that feels to put, i’m not gonna delete it cause i’m sure you’re gonna read it and say something along the lines of “it’s okay to rest and wait to read/write if that’s what you need!” cause you’re a nice person. so say those things to yourself IF that’s what you need. but if you’ve been sitting in bed for weeks and don’t have any reason not to write, maybe it’s time to word vomit. or if you have a problem with your story maybe you should look at that. just, do whatever works for you but be gentle with yourself. give yourself the same kindness you give others. whenever i’m not sure how to handle something (or how to treat myself ig), i’ll ask myself how i would give advice to a friend. so maybe try that. look at yourself, your writing process, your fic like it’s a friend’s and be like hmm. what would i recommend my friend do? and if weird rambley advice that probably displays my many years of therapy is helpful to you, then know my inbox (and my messages that i swear i’ll answer some day) are always open. i’m not gonna read this over cause i know if i do i’ll be too embarrassed to post so i’m just hoping it’s helpful. much love <3

[lifeisbooksandcats]

Since posting on tumblr feels like just screaming into the void; where maybe someone might throw a glance your way to see if maybe you’re both screaming about the same thing, but at the end of the day, no one is really paying attention to you..and I feel like that’s what makes me feel like I can post this. Because it’s not something I can say out loud, not really, not yet. Except to my fiancée because it’s something we’ve talking about for a while. This is going to be long, I’m certain of it, and it’s going to be rambley because I’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words and those words into coherent...anythings...and it just isn’t going to be in any sort of order. I’m not expecting anyone to read it and I’m hoping the read more button actually works on mobile. If not, then I’m sorry, you’ll be scrolling for a while.

I don’t know how valid people feel self-diagnosis is, but I honestly feel like I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. And that’s something I’ve thought about myself since my first year of college. Someone in a communications class I was taking did a presentation on autism, and throughout the entire thing all I could think was how much everything resonated with me. So that’s, since the fall semester of 2009, this has been something I’ve quietly thought about myself and wondered and honestly just been pretty sure of. That’s 12 years this fall, and I still can’t bring myself to say it?? And I think it’s a good bit because I’ve been asked so many times throughout my life if I’m autistic - by family members, by friends, by a college roommate, by people living on the same floor as me at college - and it’s ALWAYS been (or at least felt like to me) in some sort of negative way. And I don’t want to apologize for being myself, but fuck it’s just hard sometimes???

When I walk into a room, especially one I’m not familiar with, my first instinct is to look for the exits and figure out how I can get out of there if it gets too loud/too hectic/too EVERYTHING and I start to panic. And if I’m in a situation where I can’t leave, I have this little clear stone that I play with in my hand, just something to focus on to help keep me just a little bit calmer. When that doesn’t work, it’s like my mind just...goes. I don’t know how to explain it; physically I’m still there, but mentally...even if I wanted to pay attention to something, I literally could not. It happens the most when there’s too many sounds/voices/conversations happening at once, they all blend together, I can’t understand anything and after a second it feel like it’s all just muffled and I’m not there anymore, I feel so disconnected from my body, like there’s someone else controlling my brain and I’m just there watching. It happened at the zoo just recently, when we went into one of the restaurants for lunch. I was already panicked because of the number of people inside without masks on. From the second we walked in, everything from the number of people inside, to the volume, to the lights being too bright (but looking back, I feel like they were probably an appropriate brightness? It just felt too bright with everything else going on), to the lack of masks, everything was too much. My fiancée and I stood in line with one of our friends, waiting to order our food, and I stood there rocking slightly on my ankles and fidgeting with that little stone, just trying so desperately to calm my internal panic and to not “check out” mentally and to just appear “normal”. I stood there waiting for our food, rocking on my ankles, running my thumb along my fingertips, listening to the conversations all around me merging into one unintelligible mess and on the inside, full on panicking while hoping that from the outside, no one could tell. I got our food, set it on the table, and stepped into the bathroom to wash my hands, the quiet welcoming me like nothing else. I closed my eyes and just stood there, breathing, letting the warm water run over my hands like some kind of magic balm bringing me back down. I opened my eyes again, a woman with a toddler smiled at me like she knew - which made me worry again because it’s not something I want people to know because I don’t want to be different, I don’t want anyone to look at me differently. But at the same time, I do. I want to be able to stand up for myself and say “I literally physically cannot go into this loud, crowded restaurant because I’m autistic and it is so auditorily overwhelming in there.” And maybe that wasn’t even what her smile meant. Because I literally never know how people are feeling and I try to figure it out but honestly 90% of the time it’s just guesswork.

But it’s not just that. It’s not just the panic that sets in when it’s too crowded and the sounds are too much. It’s the fact that as a kid, I was never “just” a fan of something I liked. I either didn’t care, or it was an all-consuming obsession that basically became a personality trait. I was a fan of Aaron Carter, but god forbid anyone ask me a question about his music or anything ��� because whether or not you were interested (and unless you flat out told me you were uninterested, I literally could not tell), I was going to info-dump everything onto you. I could tell you what time he was born, how many minutes were between him and his twin sister, which concerts his sister Leslie sang at (because she also had a small music career), at what point in his career he actually started singing live instead of lip syncing most of the time...

And speaking of info-dumping. If I couldn’t info dump to someone, I would write it. As a child - second, third, fourth grade...- I wrote essays upon essays on things I was interested in just because I could. Just everything I knew on the topic, thrown out into words either handwritten as a younger kid or typed as I got older. When I was in about fifth or sixth grade, when Harry Potter was HUGE and all my friends were also into Harry Potter, I couldn’t tell everything I knew to my friends because they already knew a lot of it...and so as a kid, maybe a fifth grader, I wrote a six (maybe seven?) page essay - single spaced - with everything I knew about the series/the author/everything. Before the last book came out, I filled an entire spiral bound notebook with my theories for how the series would end and WHY I thought what I thought.

My first NOW That’s What I Call Music CD was Now 14. I was in 7th grade and I could tell you exactly what order the songs were in. That was something I did to calm myself down back then; listing the songs on that album over and over and over again, always in the right order.

From about 7th grade until high school graduation, I brought and ate the exact same thing for lunch every single day. I said it was because I liked it, but I really didn’t. I didn’t like the Oscar Mayer precooked bacon that I would put on my BLT. I didn’t like the texture, half the time I couldn’t bring myself to eat it and picked it off my sandwich. But the thought of changing it??? That wasn’t even something I would have considered because somehow in my mind, changing it was worse than eating it. Make that one make sense.

I love routines and schedules and things staying the same, and get annoyingly stressed out when things/my schedule changes. One little change or one little thing out of the ordinary and it’s like I forget how to function for the day. Everything seems off. And I hate it. Because I KNOW that it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Half days and two hour delays at school growing up?? Those stressed the FUCK out of me because the order of the day would be different. I loved school and loved learning, but those days I felt physically ill over the thought of going to school. Field trip days were okay though because I knew they were coming and I had plenty of time to mentally prepare myself. I remember as a child asking my teachers (on multiple occasions) for the itinerary for a field trip so I could memorize it and know exactly what to expect and when for the day.

There are times that my fiancée will turn on the tv for “background noise” while she watches videos on her phone, and I wish I could describe what I mean when I tell her that there’s “too many sounds”. Because between the tv, her phone, the hum of the refrigerator in the other room, the neighbors, cars driving by, the cats playing, the ceiling fan...I don’t know how else to describe it other than exactly that — too many sounds. And it gets to be too much. So I have to put headphones in and listen to music to drown it all out and refocus.

I’ve only just recently been able to put a word to what I now know is poor executive function. As much as I loved school, I could NOT do assignments until the day they were due. I could start on something days before it was due, but I couldn’t work on it. I couldn’t focus on it. I couldn’t get myself to work on it. But the morning it was due??? I could whip up a paper that I knew would earn an A just hours before needing to turn it in. I prided myself on that ability, but looking back it was most definitely poor executive function. If I couldn’t finish something that morning, which was a rare occurrence, I would lie - I’d look “everywhere” for my assignment and “panic” because I “couldn’t find it” and because I was a good student, I got away with it. Every. Single. Time. Even with the hard-ass teachers who no one could get away with things on. And magically by the end of the day, I would swing back by that teacher’s classroom to give them my assignment that I had finally “found”.

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor of our apartment as a kid and tracing my fingers along the lines on the floor where the tiles met. I remember the pattern was brown/white/brown/white, but there was one spot on the floor that made me so irrationally frustrated because two tiles were swapped; instead of the same pattern as the rest of the floor, this one spot was brown/white/white/brown/brown/white. I remember pointing it out and my mom asking me why I had even paid any attention to that. I didn’t know why, I just did. I remember her telling me that it was stupid to let it bother me and to just let it go, but I couldn’t. I stopped mentioning it, but right up until we moved out of that apartment, I couldn’t even look at that spot on the floor without getting frustrated by it. There’s more than that. But that was one of the first things I thought of.

I’ve been watching a lot of Yo Samdy Sam’s videos on YouTube, and especially her videos “Autism symptoms in GIRLS” and “Could YOU be autistic? (and not know)” and I just... I feel that. Everything she says, I feel that. I watch them just thinking “that’s me. That’s me.” the entire time. She mentions sucking on her hair as a kid, and I did that CONSTANTLY. My hair was forever in my mouth. And now that I’m an adult, I don’t suck on my hair, but my sweatshirt strings are always in my mouth. Obviously there’s more than that, but that was one that hit me hard because I didn’t realize that wasn’t just something everyone did as a kid. I didn’t realize not everyone couldn’t stand still and always had to be fidgeting or moving slightly, whether it was rocking on my ankles, running my thumb over my other fingers, crossing and uncrossing my toes inside my shoes. I didn’t realize not everyone had the same shitty executive functioning skills as me.

And it’s like... I’m so sure that’s me. I’m so sure that I am autistic. I know it. But it’s like...is getting a diagnosis at this point in my life going to change anything? I mean no, probably not, other than giving me that validation that I crave. I would feel valid when the world is too much/too big/too loud. I would have a reason for feeling the way I do and doing the things I do. So much of my life would make sense. But. I don’t know. I’m afraid I’ll try to get a diagnosis and have someone, some doctor or therapist or psychologist or someone tell me that I’m not. And then what? Then what is everything I’ve felt throughout my life? That’s what I’m afraid of, really. Because if I’m so sure of this and then some professional says “no that’s not it”, then what?

[iwannaban0nym0us]

Time for another one of my long rambley posts about my day!

so i had a free block first thing this morning and usually I would sleep in during it but had to move my tutoring from yesterday afternoon to my free since I had a soccer game yesterday (btw we won against a team we have a bit of a rivalry with) but anyway that meant i spent that time working on my stupid history essay which thank fuck i didn’t have to turn in today

And as usual i now need to back up a bit and give y’all a bit of context, so the week before thanksgiving there was a minor queer hate crime (involving the writing of a slur on school property) that occurred so that friday before break there was an assembly about that that involved queer people talking about how the incident affect them and what not, but I opted not to go to that since there was a space for queer people who didn’t want to hear more about it and I already had 20 things running through my brain (one of them being the history essay) so anyway after the assembly that space turned into a processing space about the assembly and queer people could either go to that or their last class (mine being history) I was planning on staying in the processing space but then my ex showed up so me and a friend ended up hiding in the garage and having our own processing space since we both really didn’t want to go to class, I also used that time to get a less dysphoric soccer uniform

Ok fast forward to yesterday night and i’m struggling with my history essay and there’s no way i’ll have it done by the due date (which was like 5 pm today) so I decide to email my teacher and ask for an extension (I like never do that) and I list the reasons: I have a bunch of other school work, school soccer season just started and we have a really busy season, and I missed one of our work periods due to the queer processing space. This morning my teacher replied and was like ‘yeah sure since you missed a work period you can have until Monday at 6pm to finish your essay’

So anyway the one time that I’ve like ever skipped an entire class lead to me getting an extension and I don’t know how to feel about that...

Ok, next class was CAD and that was chill we just worked on our CO2 canister cars, mine is trans colored (: and we were trying to plan if we should use our final sheet of acrylic or save it for after the trial day and my teacher was like “If I give you another sheet of acrylic will it make you less stressed” and then he did, I really like that teacher he’s so chill but also like strict enough that your really should stay on task in class

Next up was lunch which was pretty normal and involved a lot of talking about crushes and tv shows and gay/gender shit which was fun

Next class was Japanese and we’re writing stupid personal essays at least they’re only 500 characters tho, and also that teacher is also really great and gave us plenty of time and we have to submit a couple of drafts so we’ll get plenty of feedback and that’s one of the few classes i’m not stressing about

Last class of the day was history and we just talked about the industrial revolution more also we debated about who’s gonna win the mock conference we’re putting on, the ottomans or the japanese (ottomans obviously, does japan have furniture named after it???)

Now after school this is when the chaos really starts

So yesterday was my best friend’s birthday and so my friend group gathered in an out of the way classroom to celebrate them, also they brought cupcakes and another friend brought really good snickerdoodle cookies, in exchange of the cupcakes we all had to agree to letting my best friend genuinely compliment us and we were allowed to talk back or deny it while they did it their compliment to me was really sweet since we’ve been friends since 5th grade but there was a bit in there where one/both of us were distant since we were dating my/our ex (at different times than each other tho) they talked about how it was really cool to see both of us change and grow (haha trans) and also basically called me a golden retriever but like as a compliment and as in I can make friends with most people and somehow light up a room, anyway get that many gay nerds in a room together without supervision and chaos ensues, along with a lot of sitting on tables

At one point my best friend stepped out of the room to give a compliment to someone who didn’t want it done in front of everyone and another friend was like ‘i wanna write “fuck you” on the board’ and so she tried to jump to do it and I was like ‘no, use a chair, actually way a table is taller’ and then we we’re like ‘A CHAIR ON A TABLE’ and so we did that and then another friend said at uwu so she ended up writing “fuck youwu” it was in the perfect position so that it can’t be seen from where the teacher normal stands in the classroom, after that (while my best friend was still out of the room) we noticed an eraser stuck up on the board near the “fuck youwu” so we had to use our chair table set up to get it down ofc, and then that turned into the baseball with the whiteboard eraser the the x-axis (pvc pipe with tape on it labeled x)

When my best friend finally came back I was just standing on the chair on the table and so i decided to jump down, and when I did the chair slid of the table mid jump so that was really fun (I was fine and so was everyone else) next the friend who was being complimented showed off their many legged cat that had a questionable leg in a questionable position, they wanted to show me the actual drawing since the tie they drew after wasn’t in the photo so they brought me into the other class room to see it and when we got back everyone was like ‘it was so quiet for a minute there’ and we were like ‘oh fuck off /j’

And then we had our next great idea, chair on table on table, and so ofc we had to do it after we got it all stacked up i volunteered to get up on it and my head was brushing up against the ceiling when I was standing up on the chair, a bit  later one of my friends sat on the bottom table and so the rest of us decided we need to make stack of people sitting on this, so that friend stayed there, another friend sat under the table, the person who wrote “fuck youwu” on the board laid under the chair and I sat on the chair, after we got a photo of our master piece we all started to get down, the person on the floor got out first but as me and the one laying under the chair started to get down the table on top slipped out and everything went down, somehow we all managed to avoid getting hurt and I think I might have even landed on my feet

Not long after that I had to leave for robotics, at robotics I spent the whole time helping a more senior member teacher newer members how to use the router, which was actually pretty fun and a good practice since it’s been a while since I’ve used the router myself

After that I went to my school’s play which was so fun, everyone did so good and I’m friends with like half of the performers, the play was clue btw, and everyone was matched so well with their character, it was really funny and like the actors really gave it their all and it was just really great, also funny thing about the actors matching their characters—my ex played prof. plum who’s basically a stuck up prick who thinks he’s better than everyone else so it was funny to watch them in that role and it kinda felt like they were finally showing their true colors (aka being an asshole openly rather than secretly and manipulatively)

I think the worst part about seeing the play that my ex was in was actually the part after the show because ofc I was complimenting everyone since I know them all and I’m friends with like half of them so avoiding my ex while talking to everyone else they preformed with was kinda hard, it was also really weird because the last 2 theater performances i went to they were the first person i ran to, also fuck me because seeing them in that purple suit and in their element kinda reminded me why i fell for them, anyway I also saw their parents while avoiding them and congratulating everyone else so that was awkward, but apparently I’m on ok terms with their parents since they asked me how I was doing and told me to say hi to my parents for them

anyway yeah i think thats my whole day

Also a kinda unrelated note but yesterday i made a comment to a semi-close friend about being done with dating for a while thanks to my ex and she was like ‘I don’t even know what went down but I’m on your side’ and like she’s not the first person to tell me that like I’ve had classmates who I’m not at all close with tell me they’re on my side/they’re proud of me for ending the relationship/’do we need to be mad at your ex now?’ and like idk it feels good to know I’m not the asshole here because like ofc my friends are gonna say I’m not the asshole but like yeah my ex isn’t the nicest to a lot of people, like if they’re not friends with someone they’re neutral at best towards them and they’re really closed in on themself so idk I guess I’m the one who gets the support 

I think the reason I’m friends with like everyone is because I manage to be both weird and normal at the same time, like I’m a jock and a robotics kid and I’m gay also I’m like a weird ass extrovert so I feel the most comfortable around the “weird” kids and I can make friends with quieter folks who most people might ignore but I’m also happy to talk to the “normaler” kids also like reaching out to queer folks, knowing robotics + soccer people and then having dated a theater kid means that I know a lot of people

*sigh* why do my posts like this always get so long and take like an hour to write

[chronicallyblogged]

I would say you're slightly intimidating. not sure intimidating is exactly the word I would use but I can't think of a better one without writing an entire essay explaining why intimidating isn't the exact word I would use. it's not that I think YOU are scary but more that I find the possibility of conflict scary (and then my brain says conflict is always possible so we should just never talk to anyone ever)

sorry if this is kinda rambley lol but yeah the mouse.

That's fair. I can totally see how that would play out in terms of possible conflict. Thanks for such a detailed answer!

[compunctionjunction]

11 facts about me

i was tagged by @1of1prism​ to post 11 facts abt me!!! thank you <3 

(sophie i literally copy and paste ur old posts into my new posts so I’m probably gonna copy some of ur facts whoops) 

1. hi my name is marina ((but that’s in my basic blog description so i’m gonna pull a sophie and give u 2 facts in one thing even though it’s CHEATING)) and I am...... a millennial sjw ...............smh millenials..............,,,,,,,,,,,, 

2. I’m at uni and i study social justice stuff and also geography (migration...immigration.....urban planning....) and I’m pretty good at writing essays but i procrastinate like nobody’s business lol (yikes!!!) and i like to read (which i guess is good cause i probably have 200 pages a week!! not including when i have to read (a) whole book(s) ie english!)

3. I’m not like a masterchef but I can do a recipe i’ve never done before and generally have it turn out pretty good which is apparently impressive to some? i like baking with friends as a fun thing to do but I’m also really controlling in the kitchen so it’s probably not that fun after all LOL

4. I’m allergic to almost everything lol. including:

dogs, cats, any furry animal that exists

birds and feathers

dust, mould, etc

trees and grass, 

some random medicine i dont know the name of (i didnt know this until like last year cause i went to emerg but ya thats a thing it apparently gives me a rash)

5. i’m an anxious bean but like under really like......inconsistent (?) circumstances? or more like uh....non-.......whats the word like when it doesn’t match what your brain thinks something it would be (WHATEVER) anyway like yesterday I almost cried cause i didn’t understand a card game but one time when i was a kid my little bro had a seizure and my parents had to rush him to the hospital and we had to call my grandma to come over, and like my sister was all !!!!!!??? boo hoo hoo and i was all like “gimme the phone i’ll do it”. like sometimes i keep a very cool head in situations you wouldn’t think i would and sometimes im a mess in a situation u’d think i wouldn’t be u know what i’m trying to say

6. I really like music but i’m not like that Musical Person friend. Like I listen to a lot of music of a bunch of different genres and time periods and in elementary/high school I played the trumpet (i also did piano and euphonium but like if u gave me one of those now I wouldn’t be able to do much with it whereas if u gave me a trumpet.....man). I really like acoustic songs, and songs with violins and saxophones in it, HARMONIES, songs where people’s voices go really “raw” sounding, songs where people’s voices have that like “radio voice” filter, songs that start off kinda soft and then BUILD!!!!!, and songs that have a bunch of different parts all doing their own thing but then they all come together for this multilayered goodness!!!!!. If anyone other than John or Sophie is reading this (bless your soul if so) and if u have song recs for me, like, lay them on me i always need new music

7. I don’t get a lot of mainstream references but I have a weird um...pool of reference material that I can pull from?? like i’m not like That Guy who’s like rly obnoxious always talking abt those obscure movies but my parents are both like from drama stuff and like movies/shows and are also huge nerds so i’ve seen like a wide array of genre-d stuff. plus i took a film course so i’m basically an expert. did you know that plot and story are two different things? Story is whe---

8. My family’s kinda complicated. (wow i sound like an emo blog in 2006 but i just didnt want to start another long rambley sentence so here we are) My mom’s side is italian and my dad’s side is british so my italian relatives weren’t too happy abt that (i just learned this the other day but apparently at their wedding my moms uncle [who’s a dick] was saying something inappropriate to my dad, who was like “uhhhh...” and then her other uncle was like ‘ay! tony! leave the asshole alone!’ LOL) and then the british side is full of drama and alcoholics lol. and then the communication in my like... regular fam is a bit bad lol ((also i have like......30+ cousins, (20ish regular and a shit ton distant but less that i actually know) and yet we keep in contact with each other so what a weird ironic twist that is eh))

9. I can like kind of swim but I also like can’t swim cause I don’t float even though everyones like “ya u do!! people float” i just sink down lol. tho i’m kind of practicing a bit every summer at my friend’s house. i also like to pretend that it’s because of childhood trauma cause i had swimming lessons on two (2) different occasions  and they were both awful

when i was like 6 , and i refused to put my face in the water so my instructor was like “Right!” and shoved my head under lol!

when i was like 10 and i was embarrassed enough being like an older kid learning like... level 1 swimming right before these like 5 year olds who were doing the same thing (also in retrospect my instructors were only like 16 im pretty sure, like they seemed rly old to 10 year old me but they were really young lol) and the same thing happened as the other one except with diving lol. like i didn’t want to jump off the deep end and sometimes i would do it myself but at least once this girl pushed me in (basically every time either way they had to pull me up from the bottom which was kinda useless like if ur gonna teach me to dive whats the point if u dont teach me to come up from a dive right?? right)

10. I’m kinda quiet and shy but when I have the chance and am comfortable i go on HUGE rants and also go off on like 12 different tangents while trying to tell a story. like you could probably figure out this about me by reading this post but i just wanna let you know this isn’t a one-off thing just because it’s a Fact Post like i do this in real life and the way i talk is probably just as broken up and confusing as how i type!!! ahhaah

11. I used to be a hater but now I’m like actively trying to not be a hater cause hating on stuff for no reason is boring and liking stuff is fun (tho it’s harder in person cause i’m really sarcastic and pessimistic and i literally can’t stop complaining about things). Some things I stopped hating on recently:

Aesthetic things that are like “basic”/”simple” (i have an aesthetic blog now! who knew!) like pictures of like......curtains?? i used to be like “wow thats dumb” but man textures and also the weird mood that’s connected with your aesthetic it’s so calming

K-pop LOL :) 

Honestly?? memes. 

Boys apparently??? I dunno how true that is but @1of1prism​ knows me better than I know myself most of the time (but i still dont give 2 shits abt boys)

fanning over stuff in general tbh like.... enjoy things

people in a judgemental sense (im working on it....)

Intrigued by this post? Interested in my life? Check out my /tagged/about! Follow me on tumblr for more quality content! 

(Jesus i’m done this legitimately took an hour)

i tag @purewhiteflames​ as well and i also tag @nuliflyer​ just to ruin ur “i’ve only been tagged once” so ha ha