hestinex

[hestinex]

Is it still a responsibility or a mere façade for paying “utang na loob”?

Have you ever felt being guilty and burdened for the things that was not part of your responsibility? Even though you selflessly and constantly doing what satisfies and pleases them, it seems like it’s not enough?

This Covid-19 pandemic brought so much pain and uncertainties not just for me but for a lot of people around the world. Being locked up in our houses without an assurance when we can freely go out again is already a nightmare aside from the fact that the virus is a threat to our health and an invisible enemy that we need to face every single day. As a type of person who recently wants to enjoy freedom and live life to the fullest, my “tara, gala” soul is not satisfied if I stay inside our house or my dormitory for a long time.

Growing up without my parents by my side, I only have guardians who used to limit my time going outside for leisure and instead make me do household chores and babysit my nieces. That is why, when I reach college, I decided to live in a dormitory. Finally, I did all the things that I want to do without worrying about their approval or disagreement. I can go out whenever I want, every time my friends told me to hang out I will gladly says yes unlike those times where I needed to do all of the house chores that will please them for them to let me go outside.

Unfortunately, when the covid-19 pandemic started and community quarantine was imposed, the freedom that I was enjoying for almost three years was once again taken from me. In a short span of time, everything changed. I was back at doing my old chores and worst is, I do not have a choice but to do what they told me to do as I was locked up in their house. I cannot do something that will take up much of my time like playing mobile games and watching korean dramas as they will see it as a “lazy” thing and being irresponsible. I cannot even let myself find something to do that will help me to stay sane this pandemic as they will make me feel guilty about it. I followed all their order; I did all the chores that were assigned to me, even the ones that were not part of my responsibility. Even when I have online classes, I will make sure that all of my household tasks are done before going to class for them not to scold or got mad at me. Everything I do relies on pleasing them and making sure they are not mad at me. Whenever I wanted to go outside, their approval will be based on their schedule, if they have an event scheduled on that day, I will be the one adjusting, also, there is just an allotted time for being outside, curfew in other words.

Sure, I am thankful that they took care of me when I was still young; however, I grew up independently without relying on them entirely, they literally just serve as my guardian. Being thankful does not necessarily mean being indebted and serving the people that helped you for the rest of your life, that is not what gratitude stands for. They are making me feel like it is my responsibility to do all the things that they want me to do because of the “utang na loob” that I have with them for taking care of me. Let us remember that, if a person wants to genuinely help someone, they will not see it as an opportunity to have that someone being indebted to pay back their help and feel guilty if that help is not returned. A genuine help and kindness is done without expecting something in return.        

I did not ask to be born, but the mere fact that I was still in this world trying hard to live despite of uncertainties, anxieties, and hypocrisies is a tough decision I was choosing every single day. Let my experience serves as an example of how this world is unfair and cruel. But despite of hardships and painful events in our lives, we should not forget that we are still the ones who can create and control the lives that we wanted, not even an “utang na loob” and a pandemic can hinder our happiness.