#put the Billie Eilish song on for this lol

[softcenteregg]

// my soul, so cynical so you're a tough guy like it really rough guy just can't get enough guy //

[leonstoenailunderhisbed]

What Was I Made For?

Summary: Leon, a bodyguard assigned to watch and protect his client, confesses his feelings for the reader. Although he knew he shouldn’t be involved in a relationship with his client, he still reaches out for you.

Warning: fluff/comfort. smut. afab reader. bodyguard!leon x female!reader. oral (f receiving), missionary, slight age gap (Leon is 27 and reader is 21+) loss of virginity. protected sex. CONSENTED. not proofread lol.

A/N: i got inspired by multiple things; jo and laurie, pride and prejudice, i love you and what was i made for by billie eilish. i wanted to try and write a romance so pure that it makes people cry. I think this is my cheesiest work so far.

“I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century, to repeat to you once again my vow of eternal fidelity and everlasting love.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez

Your father had hired a bodyguard to protect you while he was away. He loved you, like any father would, but his work seemingly came first. Not that you had any word in it anyway. It seemed that most of the choices he made for you were clearly out his heart and not out malice.

But when the tall, muscular, blonde man entered your own house, you couldn't help but feel a little angry. Not at the stranger, he was just hired to do his job, you were mostly mad at your dad for even thinking you didn't have what it takes to defend yourself. You hated feeling small and be seen as weak but again, there was nothing you could about it except take it.

Leon was his name, Leon Scott Kennedy. He's quiet, blunt, and always had a serious expression on his face. You couldn't read him- no one could, really. It was a little unsettling but overtime you grew closer to him.

He'd help you out when you needed a ride, he would reach the highest shelf when you wanted something from the pantry; he was a man you can depend on. And he, too, grew to care about you.

What you didn’t know was that every time he saw you or was with you, his heart would skip a beat. His entire being would feel like that satisfying part of a song; the bridge or the chorus or whichever part it may be. He felt complete, but he also felt empty. For how could a girl like you love him like he loved you?

Fear. He was scared, scared that you might push him away and abandon him like everyone has. That he’d have to fetch for himself again and live in solitude until his job required him to be sent away.

And so he buried these feelings deep down. He promised to himself that in order to not get hurt, he’d tough it out. That he won’t soften on you; he promised himself to stay a strong man and not let the wild emotions in his heart deter him from doing his job. And that’s what he did. Feelings were deeper than six feet, never to be resurfaced again.

Tonight was rough for you, so you found yourself in a bar. You didn't tell Leon, why should he know about this? He'd run off and tell your father about you drinking and getting with some random guy.

So, you turned off your location and put your phone on 'Do Not Disturb.' You needed an escape, a break from current reality. And what better way than to spend it on drinking away.

But you couldn't get one drink in without him bursting through the doors of the bar. His eyes landed on you, and he dashed towards you, "What are you doing here?"

His fingers wrapped around your wrist before the cup of liquor could touch your lips. You furrowed your brows and stared at his scowl, he looked beyond pissed. You knew he had every right to feel that way but at the same time, you desperately wanted to be away for a while.

"How did you find me?" you asked him.

"I'm a government agent, Y/n. I have my ways," He replied as he took your glass and put it back down on the bar table, "C'mon, let's get you home."

He pulled you up by gently taking your forearm, he guided the two of you out and away from the bar.

“No, Leon, I don’t want to go home. I want-“

“I don’t care what you want, this isn’t safe for you. I will take you back whether you like it or not,” he quickly turned to look you. He was mad and his face was not hiding it.

With a sigh, you reluctantly let him take you away. He ended taking you both to his apartment as your place was quite literally one hour away and it was dead in the night.

“What were you thinking?” He seethed through gritted teeth, “What if something had happened to you, huh? Were you just planning on getting drunk? How would you have gotten back home if I didn’t get there?”

You were currently sitting down on his couch, wearing his clothes that he let you borrow since you didn’t feel comfortable in the dress you were wearing. Right now, he was going through one of his heated lectures where it made you feel like a child. Curse him and his authorative voice.

“What were you even doing there? That’s not a place you belong and you know it,” he stood in front of you as he glared down at you.

“I don’t know, I needed a break,” you mumbled.

Leon scoffed and deepened his furrowed brows, “A break? From what? What could possibly make you want to go to one of the most dangerous place a woman could ever be in. Don’t you ever think about your safety? What if a man had taken advantage of you and you’d gone missing by tomorrow morning?” Leon sighed and ran a hand through his hair as he paced around his living room.

His apartment was nice- small but cozy. It was very him, in a way. Minimal decor with blank walls, devoid of any pictures. He never takes pictures and you realized this a long time ago when he’d gaze at the walls in your house, staring at your pictures when you were young. He liked them but he also felt jealous. Leon didn’t have these pictures. But he did have memories he wished he could keep forever.

He was beyond stressed for you. He wouldn’t have forgiven himself if anything had happened to you. As these thought ran through his mind, he couldn’t help but feel a small tug at the string in his heart. Something he knew all too well. A feeling he’s been keeping locked away seemed to be coming back at the wrong time.

“Leon, give me a break. I just wanted to have some fun,” you mumbled as you looked at him pace back and forth like a madman. You knew he was concerned for you, but was that really it? Just concern?

“Fun? Your idea of fun is getting drunk and have creeps around you? Bullshit, Y/n. Bullshit,” he quickly retaliated.

“What was the real reason? And don’t lie to me, I can tell when you’re lying,” he grumbled and stopped pacing to look back at you.

You sighed, “I… I wanted to be cool. All my friends have gone out and had fun but not me. I’m always cooped up like a prisoner. When am I going to have my fun?”

His eyes softened slightly, very slightly, but he was still scowling at you. Do not break, is what he repeatedly told himself.

“Leon, I’m an adult. I want to make stupid decisions. I want to get drunk and have sex with random strangers,” you looked down at your hands playing with the drawstrings of the sweatpants you were wearing, “I wanted to get drunk and… lose my virginity,” you whispered.

He stood frozen in place, but then he sighed and rubbed his face with his hand, “Jesus Christ, Y/n… you’re-“

He looked at you exasperatedly, “You’re way too young to be going out and drinking with random guys— especially like this.” He leaned over you, placing his hands on the couch armrests on either side of your body before continuing. “God, I could smack you right now for being so stupid.”

He obviously didn’t mean it but he couldn’t help it. You worried him, you made him want to act irrational every time something bad was threatening you.

Your eyes slightly widened from how close he got but you weren’t complaining, “Too young?” You repeated in a whisper. You furrowed your brows and leaned closer to his face, “I’m not being stupid. It’s embarrassing being a virgin at this age. When did you lose your virginity, huh?” You quickly instigated.

“At 21,” Leon replied, his scowl lessening as he noticed that you leaned in closer. “And I was sober, too.”

His eyes remained fixated on your eyes and he stared deeply into them, “You are still too young though. That’s what I’m trying to say. When someone tells you, live your life, they don’t literally mean being in the center of danger."

You groaned and leaned back against the couch, seemingly frustrated, “I’m an adult, Leon.”

You rubbed your eyes and then looked at him, “All my friends have had sex before and I’m still seen like a fucking nun. At least you lost your virginity, who knows when I’m going to lose it,” you grumbled and crossed your arms over your chest.

He was quiet for a bit. He paced around some more before speaking again with a stern tone. "Just because you're an adult-- barely, I might add-- doesn't mean you know everything. Hell, you're still a virgin for a reason."

He sat down on the couch next to you as he tried to think of what else to say. Leon sighed and leaned forward, his elbows now resting on his knees as he looked back at you, "I can just picture it if you do go home with some guy."

Leon puts his hands back to the armrests, "Idiot pulls your pants down, gets on top of you and finishes in two seconds-"

“But at least I’ll get fucked, right?” You interjected and looked away, “It’ll be nice if someone did that, except the finishing quickly- obviously.”

“I mean- that’s gotta be an exaggeration too, right? Who finishes in two seconds?” You mumbled and looked back at him.

Leon sighs, his gaze softening slightly. He opens his mouth to say something before stopping and closing it again, “Jesus…” He takes a deep breath before speaking again. “No, it’s really not an exaggeration. There are a good number of guys who think that they’re in a movie when they’re with a girl like you. And then—“

Leon leans in close to you and grabs your arm, “You’ll hate yourself if you lose your virginity this way.”

You looked at his eyes and then sighed, “So what should I do? Be the only one who hasn’t slept with anyone before? I haven’t even kissed anyone and that is embarrassing. Everyone’s kissed someone before but not me,” you muttered.

You didn’t mind him grabbing your arm, you didn’t even notice it since you were too deep into the conversation. Why did he care anyway? It’s not like he’s going to tell your dad about this, is he?

He wouldn’t. You and him both knew he wouldn’t betray you like that. Because you both knew that deep down, feelings were there. Feelings that made the two of you act exactly like this. Like kids fighting.

“I know I’m still young but c’mon… you know kids my age have done things… I don’t want to be left out, you whispered.

“Goddamnit..” Leon groaned and grabbed the other arm, holding them in both of his huge, calloused hands, “Stop being so damn self-conscious.” He glared down at you, the intensity of his eyes nearly causing your heart rate to spike a bit.

“And stop thinking about other people. You’re young and you’ve already lost the most important one…” Leon leans in even closer to you, almost so close that your noses are touching.

You furrowed your brows confused, “I have?” You muttered, “I haven’t…” your voice trailed off as you tried to look away but you couldn’t. His blue eyes were piercing right through your eyes as both your noses were so close to touching.

He stared at you in silence, his nostrils flaring from his deep breathing. Then, without warning, he kissed you firmly on the lips, his lips meeting yours for a few solid seconds. Freezing as you felt his lips on yours, not realizing what he was doing, but then you melted. Your heart was beating so fast but you didn’t protest. You closed your eyes for those few seconds and when he pulled back you looked at him with a dazed look. He sighed and took a deep breath before speaking again, “Idiot.”

“Why… you…” you stuttered as you tried to think of something to say. Your cheeks were coated pink as you licked your lips, still tasting his lips on your lips.

Leon leaned back and glanced at you. His face was flushed, but his expression was nothing but a mix of pure tenderness and soft longing. He rubbed his thumb against the side of your cheek and looked down into your eyes before speaking in a tender, whispery voice,

“Because you won’t listen, you know you’ll regret it if you do something like that with some guy, and I didn’t want that to happen to you.”

His heart was beating out of his chest, he couldn’t believe he’d just done that but he didn’t regret it. If he could have a little bit of you, he’d take it with him to his grave.

“So… you did it instead…” you mumbled as you looked at him with big eyes. Your pupils were dilated as you stared at his eyes and then down at his lips. Then your eyes shifted back to his blue eyes again. It was unbelievable that he took it upon himself to give you your first kiss. And it left you wanting more. But was that allowed?

He looked down at your lips for a moment before looking back up. He noticed your wide, glazed over eyes, the rapid breathing, and how your cheeks were coated in pink. He noticed everything about you in this moment.

He leaned back in, close enough to be right in front of your face. Then, he placed his hand back on the side of your cheek and pulled you in for a second kiss, “I’d rather it be me instead of some guy who’ll probably just abandon you the moment they finish.”

His second kiss made you melt, you closed your eyes and brought your hand to the back of his head as you moved to straddle his lap. Once he pulled back, you looked at him, “Does that mean… you’ll take my virginity too?” You asked quietly. The question made you nervous but you still had to know if he’d do everything you just mentioned.

Leon had to take a deep breath in and out as he was getting ahead of himself here. He was barely holding back in his own eyes, and you could tell that he wanted to do so many things to you in just this moment.

But his answer was a slow nod, “Yes… I will.”

To which you could only respond with kissing him again. He grabbed your hips as you straddled him, taking you in one of his arms while you leaned down for the kiss. He moaned softly as your lips met once again for another long moment. He sighed slowly once you pulled away, leaning you back against his arm, “God, do you know how tempting it is to just carry you to my room right now and do everything to you?”

“Please do it,” you whispered as you looked down at him, your chest panting. You wanted him to absolutely wreck you. To make your first time unforgettable.

He groaned deeply at your words and lifted you off of his arm. He then picked you up, carrying you in his arms as he walked into the hall. Leon carried you into his room, and then gently laid you down on his bed, climbing on top of you and pinning you down once he did.

There were many things Leon expected in his life but none of them ever led to this moment. Sure, he’d be fine with kissing you and then pulling away to keep you safe. But that’s not what you wanted either. His heart kept pulling and pulling but he tried so hard to fight it. He tried not to fall too deep. Keyword tried.

Leon looked down at you as you lay there with your hair sprawled out and your legs spread open. Your blushing cheeks paired with your wide, dreamy eyeballs made it easy for him to feel something deep in his gut. He leaned down to your neck and began to kiss and bite it, “You have no idea about the things you make me feel.”

You closed your eyes and rolled your head back to give him more space to keep giving you hickeys on your neck. Your hands wrapped around the back of his head, gently tugging at his hair. You bit down on your bottom lip to try and suppress moans and whimpers daring to leave your throat.

“Leon,” you moaned softly as he kissed and bit your neck.

He couldn’t help it. When you tugged at his hair, his eyes rolled back for a moment from how good it felt. When you moaned his name, he had to bite your neck one last time before leaning back on his knees and taking off his shirt.

His muscly body was on display as he unbuttoned his fly and took his pants off, going back on top of you to pin you down against the bed again, “God, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do this.”

He remained in his boxer-briefs and you couldn’t help but just stare at the hot man on top of you. Heart palpitations increased as you noticed the look he had on his face- pure lust and… love?

“Me too,” you whispered as you also hastily took off your shirt and sweatpants, tossing them away to God knows where.

You both seemed to have been wanting this. It would be a lie if chemistry didn’t exist between the two of you, but it was something that was kept away and ignored. There were so many things that go against the two of you and yet, you both have found yourselves in this moment. Entangled by the strings of both of your hearts pulling you together as one puzzle piece.

As soon as he saw you down to your bra and panties, it was enough for Leon’s blood to boil and he didn’t have the capacity to wait any longer. He pulled them off of you faster than you could react, leaving you completely naked on his bed. He grinned down at you, taking one of your hands and guiding it over his chest so you could feel his muscles.

“You’re beautiful,” he muttered, looking at you like you were his angel- his goddess. A siren that captured his heart.

Your cheeks got even more red as he guided your hand to his muscly chest, causing you to whine quietly.

His smirk grew and his eyes sparkled with mischief as they looked down at you. With one hand wrapped around yours and the other at the small of your back, he leaned down to softly bite your neck again.

This was the perfect moment for him, he felt like he could finally be closer to you. To finally feel you for the first time. A renaissance, a revival of the piece of art that was under him. The rebirth of happiness.

He paused for a moment and stared down at you before leaning in yet again, “Y/n…”

“God, just ruin me,” you whispered as he leaned down on your neck again to bite and kiss it. Pink and purple spots beginning to coat your delicate skin from the hickeys and love-bites. That man was desperate, deprived of love and you could tell by the way he was handling your body. It was like fire spreading through your body, the warm sensation running down your skin as he licked and nipped every crevice of your neck and collarbone. Marking you, claiming you, loving you.

He felt his entire body vibrate as those words left your lips. His eyes began to roll back one last time and he groaned lowly. Without waiting for another moment, Leon started to slowly move his head southward. He gently ran his hands along the side of your body as he kissed and bit your shoulders, chest, and then the top of your breasts.

“Leon,” you moaned softly as he began to kiss your breasts, feeling them become even more sensitive. Your nipples were hard from arousal to the point where they ached for more. Your hands wrapped around his head as your fingers interlaced with his blond hair, pulling him closer to your chest.

He was being gently encouraged to stay there. To continue to torture you. And he did. Once you tell a dog to stay, he stays. And god, he’d be a dog for you if you asked him to. To him, you were the warmth of the sun shining through his window.

To him, you were the reason he wakes up early in the morning.

To him, you were the reason why even bothered to stay.

To him, you were everything.

With one hand still holding yours, the other one moved to the side of your thigh to hold your leg in place. He kissed your chest again, this time with more intensity as his hands gripped your thigh even tighter. One hand slid up your thigh, slowly teasing the line of your underwear.

You both have longed for this. The unspoken words exchanged through glances said enough.

The way you spoke his name in a soft, breathy voice was enough to send a bolt of electricity through his body. He liked what he was doing to you, he really did.

He leaned in again, this time placing his mouth right on the line where his hand was. His fingers pulled your panties to the side as his eyes set on your wet cunt. He used his tongue to lightly brush back and forth, barely even teasing you. And then, without warning, he slid his fingers inside you.

You closed your eyes tightly shut and arched your back, “Leon!” You whimpered and moaned softly. It all felt so fulfilling.

His tongue, his hands- it all sent wave after wave of pleasure. Your hands gripped his bedsheets as you moaned his name like a prayer.

“Leon, Leon, Leon,” you breathed out.

You were so sweet and soft when you were at this state. That was something he loved about you. And when you were begging for him like this? It was enough for every part of him to get a little hot.

He slid his fingers in deeper, moving his fingers around a bit before curling them and moving them inside you. All while his mouth and tongue nipped at your clit.

He moaned softly as he did, still teasing you with his tongue. You tasted sweet. A sweet nectar that drove him over the edge. Well not really but he could. He could cum just now from how delicious your pussy tasted.

His tongue dragged along your wet folds, eliciting a shuddered moan from you. He loved your reactions, three way his touch affected you so much when he felt like he was doing nothing.

He’d do more if you let him into your heart, he thought.

“Oh my god,” you breathed out as he curled his fingers, “Leon,” you moaned softly in a whiny voice.

Leon’s body was twitching from all the noises you were spouting and the way your legs were squirming. It was a perfect mix of adorable and tantalizing in the best way possible.

He knew you were about to cum, given the fact your moans became more short and breathy. You merge began to twitch just a little and he had to grip your thighs to hold them down.

His fingers moved faster, his tongue moved quicker, but most importantly, the strength of his grasp on you and himself increased. He was close to losing himself at this point, ready to reach his peak at any moment.

“Leon!” You moaned a little too loud. Your back arched as your toes curled when you came on his face. His tongue and fingers made you feel like you reached heaven- nirvana too.

He moaned loudly as you released yourself against his face, grabbing onto your hips to keep you in place and prevent you from slipping away from him. But even so, he could taste and smell you on him, and the sight of such a pretty girl in this state turned him on infinitely more.

His blue eyes barely visible from his dilated pupils, his blonde hair shining from the light of his room, how your cum dripped down his face. But you couldn’t help but shift your focus to his lips. They were so much more plump than before and he had this look like he just struck gold.

At that moment, he pulled his hand out from between your legs and moved it to your shoulder, moving your leg and hand away from him.

He slowly sat up and leaned close to your ear again, “You taste so sweet I want to keep you all to myself,” he whispered.

You couldn’t believe you had my first orgasm from his tongue and fingers, you were left a panting mess. But that wasn’t the end. You looked up at him and kissed him as he was still on top of you. You could taste yourself on his lips and it caused you to moan just a little bit. And he groaned when you kissed him.

He broke the kiss off once more, breathing heavily and staring down at you. Your body was still covered in a slight glow from the orgasm you just had. His eyes were fixed on yours, his lips wet with your taste.

"God, I need you," he breathed in a low tone, staring back at your body.

“I need you too,” you whispered as you wrapped your hands around his neck and pulled him down with you. Your lips finding his again and his hands immediately went to your waist.

He groaned deeply as he kissed you again, diving back into the heat of the moment as his body was filled with every emotion in the book.

He felt something in that moment though… he felt something he’s only felt a few times in his life, something that could really take him to the highest heights and then throw him down to the lowest depths.

“I love you,” he whispered softly as he breathed out, looking deeply in your eyes and staring at you with pure adoration.

His tone, his words, his eyes- he meant it. And you knew it.

Your eyes were full of pure adoration as well. In this moment you had realized that this time, you had fallen for him. You loved him too.

The stolen glances from when you were in the same room, when he’s had to help you out countless times, when he comforted you on your lowest days, and when he would make you the happiest by remembering your favorite things. He was more than just a bodyguard to you. He became your world.

“I love you too,” you whispered back. You stared deeply into his eyes as your fingers gently brushed away blonde strands of hair from his face.

His heart was beating rapidly as he took in every single touch and movement you made to him. From the strokes of your fingers, to your soft voice, to the stare of admiration in your eyes, to the way you spoke to his face.

He was all yours now, this girl who was his to protect and cherish until his last breath.

There was no hiding how much he loved you by the way his eyes looked at you. It was clear in this moment that his feelings for you were genuine and honest. He didn't like you just because you were pretty and cute. He loved you for all of who you were.

He could feel tears stinging the back of his eyes as he leaned in and kissed you lightly, "I'll protect you until the day I die," he told you, staring deeply into your eyes.

His body was trembling as his heart beat against his chest again from these words. This was a feeling he truly didn't deserve. How could this girl love someone like him so much?

Your words brought out the feelings in his heart that he so desperately wanted to keep hidden away. He took in every moment of this, the way your eyes looked at him and the way your delicate hands were touching his face.

He felt complete. The strings playing at his heart were in your mercy and he wouldn’t want it any other way.

He pulled you in even tighter than he had ever done before. His hands were all over you as he kissed you repeatedly once more, his lips pressing against your own as your own taste filled his mouth once again.

He didn’t want to stop. He didn’t want this moment to end.

He wanted to live in this moment forever.

He pulled away from you once more, looking straight down at your body with his blue eyes looking down at you, "You know, you're the first girl to ever really make me feel this way.” he muttered.

“Me too,” you whispered as you stared up at him with the same level of adoration and love.

No matter how many times you could deny it, you felt just the same as he did in this very moment. Your heart felt like it would combust at any moment from the fact that your feelings are being reciprocated. That you both felt the exactly same thing if not even more. And that was enough for you to want to be with him. Regardless of him being your bodyguard.

“I want you,” you whispered.

A warm feeling ran through his entire body after hearing these words. This was something he could never truly describe, a feeling that was so strong yet so light at the same time. The love coming from you was enough to give him an uncontrollable urge to make all of his fantasies and desires come true. He couldn't resist you anymore, not with this level of mutual love between the two.

"I want you too," he whispered back. "Just promise me one thing. Promise me that, no matter what happens, I'll never lose you."

“Say it,” he begged, “Promise me I’ll never lose you…” he begged in a whisper. It was a plea, he dreaded the idea of losing you. He wanted you forever. Just the mere thought of you being away from his arms was enough to make his heart shatter a bit.

He needed to hear you say it. To tell him everything was going to be okay and you’ll forever be his. Because at the end of the day, no matter how much shit he’s been through, he also dreams of having his true love by his side every time he wakes up.

“I promise,” you whispered, “I promise you’ll never lose me… if you let me have you.”

One simple sentence from your soft lips and he was ready to melt and fall at your feet. He was yours and you were his in that moment.

"You have me," was what he responded with, as he gently leaned in to kiss your neck and jaw again.

“And you have me,” you closed your eyes as you whispered to him. You wrapped your hands around his hair as your hips bucked against his

"I've always had you," he spoke in barely audible tone as it was filled with the sounds of wet kisses.

His hand slid down your side again, gently sliding underneath your hip to hold you in place as he began to bite your neck again. All of his attention was now on you, and there was no longer another thought in his mind.

You moaned softly at his kisses and touches, “Leon,” you breathed out as you tugged at his hair.

His breath hitched and he pulled back slowly, his blue eyes gazing down at you as you squirmed around under him. His lips were swollen from the heat of your kisses and his jaw was clenched tightly from the pure pleasure rushing down his body.

He sighed softly for a moment and his eyes trailed down to the dresser next to the bed. He picked up the condoms from the drawer, opened the pack and opened one of them, before looking back up at you.

As much as he’d love to do it raw, he would never hurt his baby. His girl. His darling. He wasn’t that kind of man. No… he’s better than that.

"I'll go slowly, okay?"

You nodded and stared as he opened the condom, “Yeah… I’m okay with that,” you reassured in a quiet voice, a small and shy smile tugging at your lips.

He felt something in his heart when seeing that small, shy smile. It hurt how cute you were. The way you said your words in that shy voice and the little smile, it all made his heart ache with happiness.

"You're so beautiful," he muttered softly before leaning in, "I hope this is everything you've thought it would be.”

With a lot of care and time, he pulled down his boxer-briefs and put the condom on. He made sure it was nice and snug. He hovered over you for a moment, his hands slowly moving to your waist and hip.

"Promise me you'll tell me if it hurts the first time, alright?” He whispered as he slowly shifted back over top of you, making sure he was positioned just right.

You nodded as you felt him position himself while being on top of you, “I will,” you reassured. Your hands found their way to his back as you embraced him.

He nodded back as he took a slow, steady breath in and out. He could feel your touch through his back, your hands slowly running along his back as he slowly entered you for the very first time.

You felt his cock slowly enter your cunt and it made you grip his shoulder blades as you closed your eyes.

He groaned softly as he sighed in relief, slowly pushing himself in until his pelvic made contact with you. He held himself in place and looked into your eyes for approval. To know that everything was okay before he’d start thrusting into you.

Your eyes closed tightly as your nails dig into his skin, he felt big or maybe you were tight, who knows. But it felt good. You opened your eyes and stared at him, giving him a nod that it didn’t hurt and everything was okay.

He sighed softly in relief, feeling the grip from your hands around his body tighten for a moment as his body relaxed from his slight worries.

"You feel amazing," was all he could muster out as he slowly and gentle began to rock back and forth, starting to move inside of you as he leaned back onto his knees again for support. As he began to thrust into you, your moans and his grunts echoed through his room as the bed gently creaked from his rocking.

The sight of you under him and the noises of your moans were enough to have his mind go blank from all of the thoughts.

His body was shaking as his heart thumped loudly in his chest. He felt the warmth of you around him and he couldn't think straight. He started to move in and out of you slowly, his grunts growing louder as time felt like it had stopped for the two of you.

His hands gripped the back of your thighs more firmly as his hands moved along your back again to have more of your body pressed up against his.

Your moans and his grunts were lost in his room as he began to move. The bed began to creak at his movements, slowly and gently slamming against the back wall. Your hands were gripping and scratching his back out of pleasure, it was a type of fulfillment that made you drunk on him. That made you addicted to everything about him. And you wanted to be selfish and keep him to yourself.

“Leon,” you moaned softly against his ear.

His breathing steadily got quicker as he leaned in closer to you. Your moans only fed the fire inside of him and made him move faster and harder. His lips were brushing and nibbling on your neck while he continued.

His back was arching as your nails dug deeper upon his skin. His breathing was quickening and he groan out your name, "Y/n..."

You were close to your second climax of the day, you felt like puddy or mush in his hands. His touch melted you into whatever he wanted- you wouldn’t even complain.

Your back arched and you pressed my breasts against his chest, “Leon,” you breathed out. Your moans began to get more airy and short.

He leaned down back to kiss you while he rocked faster and harder into you. He could feel the warmth of the room fill up with pure steam as sweat covered both of you. The kiss sloppy and wet, not even a real kiss since the two of you were moaning and grunting out of pleasure.

His grip tightened on you as he moaned your name again, his hands now grabbing onto yours and squeezing them tightly as his hips moved back and forth. His interlocked his hand with yours as he thrusted into you, his cock filling you. A sensation that drove you insane in the best way.

"Almost there," he whispered, his breathing growing heavy around you.

“Me too,” you whispered back as you closed your eyes and let him look down at your face. Your jaw slightly open as you moaned and whimpered.

He couldn’t help but stare at your face, he thought you looked beautiful like this. His eyes scanned every little detail about your face and body, wanting to remember this forever. If he could, he’d definitely have this moment hanged up on the wall of his apartment. A memory so important to him that he’d have no shame in showing you off. But he wouldn’t do that. You were his and he didn’t want anyone else but him to look at you like this.

Your walls were beginning to clump down on his cock. You were close to cumming for the second time today, which surprised you because you’ve never done this before.

Soon, you did climax on him while he kept going. Your body convulsed and fell limp under him as he chased his own high. Your eyes were half-lidded as you were overrun with that satisfied and happy feeling that came with the post-orgasm jitters.

He sighed deeply as he felt you throb around his cock. Your body shook and your head rolled back as the climax overwhelmed your body and flooded it with endorphins.

He groaned softly as he finally reached his climax, moaning out your name in such a heated tone. He was glad he was wearing a condom, but god did the thought of breeding ran through his head at least once.

He let loose with a loud groan as he came inside you, with the condom still on. His cock began to pulse inside of you as a surge of pleasure flooded his body with everything it ever needed.

He laid down on top of you, panting heavily as his sweat soaked body pressed up against you. His hands went back to their usual spot and laid against your hips as he breathed in sharply, his heart beat quickening even more.

"Oh God," he moaned, his eyes slowly closing in relief. He wanted to be inside you forever. You just felt so good. Too good, he’d say but he didn’t care. He wanted you. So. Much.

Your hands lazily drew circles on his back as you closed your eyes as well and let him fall on top of you. Letting out a deep sigh out of pleasure and relief, you couldn’t help but feel your heart also tug its strings.

“Thank you,” you whispered quietly. If you were asked who would’ve you wanted to have sex with, you’d only say Leon. He knows how to make you happy, he knows how to cheer you and make you feel this good. He knows you. Probably than you know yourself too.

He groaned softly as he heard those words, leaning a little back at you from his position. He leaned down to kiss you softly and gently, breathing in the scent of your hair as he looked into your eyes, his hair falling in front of his eyes, covering half of his face.

"You're welcome," he whispered back, his voice low, calm and soft as he laid back down on you with his face buried into your neck. He pulled you closer and wrapped his arms around your waist.

One thing he couldn't deny in this moment was how perfect this girl was to him. There was something about you that just made him feel complete, something that made everything in life just make sense.

"I love you," he whispered, his eyes still being closed.

“I love you too,” you whispered and closed your eyes as you wrapped your arms around him too. Basking yourself under his weight and warmth- albeit the sweat sticking you two together.

Your breathing slowed down from panting. You felt exhausted but it was worth it. You both needed a shower but you were too lazy right now- you both were too lazy to even move an inch.

This moment was one that he would keep dear to himself for all time. The feel of your skin, the smell of you and the warmth of your body all made him feel home. His fingers were running through your hair, and his breathing was becoming more normal again in that moment.

"We probably need to shower soon," he muttered as he kissed your neck one last time.

“Two more minutes,” you whispered as you held on to him tighter.

He sighed softly into your neck as he lay his forehead against yours. His eyes still closed as he chuckled at your request.

"Fine, two minutes before we get up," he whispered as his breath was still soft against your skin.

You sighed contently and relaxed under him. There were many things to do; get rid of the used condom, take a shower, and do aftercare. But for now, all you needed was to be with him. To feel loved.

And so you did, spending those two extra minutes together. Your bodies were still tightly intertwined, his head pressing against your neck as he gave you little kisses every now and then.

But eventually, his eyes opened and you could hear him sigh again as he shifted his body to be on his side rather than on top of you.

“So… ready for that shower?” You turned your head to the side and as he moved next to you instead of being on top of you.

"Yeah, I think it's about time we finally do so," he sighed as he rolled off of the bed. He stretched his arms upwards and you could hear his back crack at the stretch.

"I’m sticky with sweat all over," he chuckled, grabbing the blanket and placing it over your body before standing up and walking to the bathroom.

You giggled, “Don’t forget the condom,” you teased as he was still wearing the now used condom. You pulled the blanket aside and walked over to him to the bathroom.

He stopped once he heard your teasing, his body freezing from his pace as he looked down between his legs. He groaned as his face turned scarlet from embarrassment, he slowly turned around as all of his cocky confidence disappeared in a single second.

He let loose a laugh and took it off before flicking it into the bin.

He looked back at you and smirked weakly, "I'm going to pretend that never happened."

You chuckled and walked into the bathroom first, “It’s okay, don’t get embarrassed. It happens to hot people,” you grinned as you pulled him to the bathroom by the hands.

"Yeah, whatever," was all he could mumble as he stepped into the bathroom, his arm moving to the sink to turn on the faucet. Although, his smirk and slight snort didn’t go unnoticed by you. It made you happy that you could still tease and have fun with him during these moments.

"I'd say something back but you're pretty hot yourself so I'm not going to talk," he grumbled.

He looked over the shower at you with a raised eyebrow. Leon leaned back against the sink for support and folded his arms over his chest, a small smirk appearing on his face as he was beginning to calm down from his embarrassment.

"Cold," he answered back, without hesitation.

Scrunching up your face, you shook your head disapprovingly, “Cold? Seriously? What, do you live in the North Pole or something?” You joked as you turned the temperature adjustment to cold like he said.

A single chuckle left his mouth as he glared at you, "Shut up," he frowned with a slight giggle, "Don't tell me you're one of those people that likes burning hot water during a shower?"

“Actually yes, I love hot and steamy showers that burn my skin,” you mumbled as you joined him on the cold shower. You wrapped your arms around your body as you shivered, “Holy shit, dude. This is freezing,” you muttered through chittering teeth.

He put his hand around your waist once again and pulled you closer to his body, his chest pressing against your back as he pulled you into his embrace. His body growing warmer than yours as his hand began to rub your stomach. His body heat slowly transferred over to yours.

He sighed quietly and turned the knob up, changing the temperature to a warm feeling, although still not hot. You could feel his hands still wrap around you as his one hand went down underneath your chin and pulled your head back so you'd look at him.

He cupped your face with his hand and brushed your hair back out of your face, "There, is that better?" he asked you as he smirked and looked at you.

“Actually it is,” you huffed and turned back to begin cleaning your body.

He smirked and began to clean himself as well. His eyes gazing at you as the hot water ran down his body. His eyes traveled around every inch of your body as he took a look at you, he couldn't help but feel like he was staring at an image of beauty as you began to bathe yourself.

He couldn’t help it, he wrapped his arms wrapped around your waist from the side as they pulled you back into his form. He couldn’t help it, he loved this sight a little too much. It was so innocent and yet so attractive to him. You could be doing the simplest thing and he’d love it.

He continued to watch you soap yourself up, his face having a hint of a dreamy look in his eyes. His gaze traced your entire body, taking in your curves and how beautiful you were to him as he breathed in deeply.

"You have a beautiful body, you know that," he whispered.

You chuckled and kept lathering yourself in soap, “You think so?” You whispered.

He smirked and nodded his head as he continued to trace you with his eyes, his gaze admiring every single part of your body.

"More than beautiful," he sighed as his eyes continued to wander across your form. He couldn't help but wonder how he had gotten this lucky to have someone as perfect as you in his life.

"The prettiest face I've ever seen too. You're like a goddess to me," he moaned. He put his head against the side of your neck and kissed it softly as his hands moved up and down your body.

"Every inch of you is perfect," he murmured, "I'd say you're even better than a dream."

One could tell he was so madly in love. He never felt love like this, not this strong. And he wanted more. You broke him in the best way possible.

This version of Leon became a version that he hid away and promised himself to never bring back. Yet, in all the time that he’s been your bodyguard, you’ve managed to make him break that promise. His feelings took hold of him, probably for the first time in a while. But this time, he decided not to fight it.

This time, he decided to stay true to himself and let himself be loved and love the one girl who dared enough to love his broken self.

And he couldn’t ask for anything better.

[sevenop]

Billie Eilish x Fem!reader: Vroom Vroom

A/n: Billie brings you along for the shoot, but in the end she's suddenly jealous you not so much of Charli as of your attention to her as a celebrity. Charli playfully teases at her, but no doubt Eilish finds an original way to remind you about herself.

Their music video for "Guess" is a sudden bomb for my inspiration! And it doesn't have much to do with the text, but I do want to point out that Charlotte is an icon of my teenage years, lol.

Talking to Charlotte Aitchison, or more popularly Charli XCX, is definitely an exciting moment for you, given your strong fascination with her as a teenager. You're extremely visibly shaken from exactly the moment she gives you a welcoming hug and you're still in that excited mood. You've fainted about forty times in your mind, and you'd probably have realized one of those dramatic falls if it weren't for Billie's hand on your waist, which is clasping your side a little tighter than usual by the minute, or beating out some nervous rhythm of its own.

"It's very nice to meet you, Y/n!" - Charlotte smiles incredibly warmly, and for a second it seems to you that you are going to kiss the asphalt fantastically with your lips. Well, and with the whole face as a whole. - "Billie told me that you're an old fan of mine, you know, I'm really pleased."

"Gosh, uh... thank you!" - you touch the back of your head with the palm of your hand in burning awkwardness, only to then bring that hand back down sharply, as if spurring yourself on and sobering up. - "I just momentarily lost all the words I wanted to say to you, I'm sorry."

You're feeling incredibly uncomfortable with your surroundings under the weight of your own excitement and trepidation, even though Charli is looking at you as relaxed and friendly as possible-what's more, her dark brown eyes remind you of two mugs of hot tea, which with each sip envelope you with comfortable warmth, dispersing the delicious boiling water through your arteries.

Eilish, who has been gallantly silent all this time, understands you without any words, simply by reading your broken body language. In one deft but at the same time masterfully hidden in her persistence movement, she pulls you closer to her, right to her side, as if she were a mother duck and you were her obedient but confused duckling.

"Relax, my girl." - Eilish throws a slight smile on her lips, and puts her hand possessively much lower than your back, or rather, right on your ass. Just for a few moments, but you also instantly feel your ears light up like warning lights. - "Charlotte is exactly the same person as you, remember?"

Charli chuckles playfully as you nod and exhale slightly, gathering all the words and thoughts into the formerly organized piles in your head.

"Okay, let's start with something simple to bring you to your senses, hot chick." - you side-eye Eilish's eyebrows almost twitch, wanting to come together at the bridge of her nose, and that little silver snake rattling the tip of the tail foreshadowingly in her blue eyes. But the smile doesn't leave her face a quarter of an inch, so chalk it up to your nervous imagination: good idea, right? - "Name me your favorite song from my recent album."

And you babble inspirationally, like a renaissance poet who has met a sacred and previously unattainable muse: you note the meaning of your favorite lyrics, or the beat that comes into your soul, like was as if someone had unceremoniously opened the door with his hit foot. You praise almost every track on the album, unable to decide what you like best, and Charlotte laughs loudly, touching your shoulder lightly with a little pressure. And Billie sees how shocked you look at the singer, being doused head over heels in euphoria. She sees your gaze, with a million stars floating in it, sees your quivering smile. She sees it, and almost sending sparks of pure current straight into the asphalt. You don't admire her, but someone else, even if it is well extremely deserved for Charli. And the realization of your admiration definitely stings her painfully, like an angry wasp out of the blue. Sure, you're her girlfriend, but aren't you her fan anymore?..

When she notices this dazzling spark in your eyes, which ran through the moment when Charlotte offered to personally give you her autograph, O'Connell frankly breaks the first lock of self-control out of a possible three. She doesn't even have time to think properly, almost leans on you with her whole body, throwing her arm over your shoulder, hanging on you in mute demand. You immediately shift your gaze worriedly, shifting all your attention to her. For Eilish, holding back a satisfied smile, which is coming out of her cunning interior, is now a difficult task to heaven, but doable.

"Tired, dear?" - you ask sensitively, deftly reversing roles: your hand now firmly and securely on her waist. - "Do you want me to get you some water?"

"Or you can take a break in the dressing room," Charlotte gently advises, while devils dance invitingly in her eyes, as if her irises are bursting with the heat of inquisition bonfires. Oh, she definitely got it. That's why Eilish stabs her in response with her zealous blue blizzard, wrinkling her nose. Just a second, so that only she can see, but in no case not you.

As Billie opens her lips for a made-up answer, a thin female voice cuts through the air beside you:

"Ms. O'Connell, I'm sorry, but can I talk to you for a minute?

You all three of you look at the girl at once, as if the request wasn't addressed to Billie alone, which makes the petite blond stew, clutching the clipboard with neat palms to her chest, but then she finds the necessary composure.

"Your presence is required at the site to clarify a working point."

"Sure, no problem." - she moves out from under your palm ever so unwelcome, swaying slightly from side to side to prolong her contact with you for a few moments. Turning on her heel and shouting to you, she's already following the fast-paced assistant director. - "I'm fine!"

She feels your gaze on her with the back of her head, mixed with misunderstanding and slight excitement, and she almost choke on her own pride, finally allowing herself a cheeky smile. Suddenly, the tingle from the back of her neck is gone, and behind her your hear your loud laughter and Charlotte's azartic shout: "I'm going to steal your loyal groupie to show her the set, Billie! I can't promise I'll get her back!"

Eilish turns around, and Charli smiles at her like a cat contented under the heat of the sun. No, it won't work like that!

×××

"Really? I never thought you'd still love «Vroom Vroom» more than anything."

Stepping over millions of wires and stage markings, you survey location after location, noting how your excitement is gently shifting into confidence, and confidence into a slight premonition of anxiety warming at your fingertips and deep in your heart. Talking to your living dream in the world of Hollywood is extremely comfortable and desirable, but still you feel in your gut that something is wrong with Eilish, even if you can't explain what it is.

"This is my loudest baby, if I may say so," - Charlotte smirks, gently putting her hand out in front of you in a warning gesture, - "careful, there's another one here."

You step over the thick camera cord, suddenly feeling the ground beneath your feet shake slightly, or should I say vibrate. Far behind the two of you, you hear a mechanical, rumbling noise reminiscent of a construction site. Charli puts her tanned palm on your shoulder, instantly stopping you in your tracks.

"Turn around," - she smiles at you extremely contentedly, meeting a catchy sketch of misunderstanding on your face, - "I'm sure you'll like it."

One hundred and eighty degree turn around your own axis and you don't know what's deafeningly louder right now - the gushing laughter of Charli seeing your bulging eyes in amazement, or the helling murmur of the damn construction excavator that's coming your way slowly, led by her majesty Eilish, sitting regally behind the wheel.

"What the fuck, O'Connell?!" - you announce, folding your palms in a report-like fashion and bringing it to your lips: the only thing that helps a bit to overcome this sonic behemoth with a multi-ton bucket.

"Get ready to jump in!" - Eilish's eyes are burning a confident blue enough that you don't even need to squint to see it, and about a smile would be needless to say. - "I'm taking my loved groupie back, Charlotte!"

"I give up!" - Aitchison shouts, mixing the echo of his own voice with the roar of the engine, raising both hands in a surrendering gesture, grinning good-naturedly.

The excavator clanks, sliding at first a little to the left side of the wide area, and then leveling off again, still on course with the two of you, except now it's traveling at a safe distance from you instead of straight ahead.

"I wouldn't keep her waiting if I were you, or she'll burn with jealousy," - Charli puts her palm to your ear conspiratorially, except instead of the classic whisper: a shout. - "Come by my dressing room afterward, I promised you an autograph after all."

Something clicks shrewdly in your head as you smile, hugging the star briefly: you barely touch her waist and she pats you on the shoulders in return, and the excavator seems to make an even louder noise, like an iron bull spewing anger in the heat of a bullfight. The only one subduing him is Eilish. Charli hurriedly steps aside, watching with undisguised interest, and you only catch Eilish's outstretched left palm as you climb up the step. Her fingers grip you so tightly and securely that even the tattooed three of winged fairies embossed on her skin seems to be pulling at you with their little hands.

"You're crazy, Eilish!" - you shout with an outburst of laughter, wrapping both hands around the iron handrail.

"I'm your crazy!" - Billie returns both hands to the steering wheel, confident that you have a firm grip these.

"When did you even learn to drive this multi-ton monster?"

"Exactly half an hour ago," - an undisguised contentment plays on her lips as her gaze drifts forward. - "Not much different from a normal car, though there are nuances."

Glancing in the rearview mirror, you notice not only the surprised set workers, but also Charli waving at you. A grin spreads across your face.

"As nuanced as your jealousy of Charli?"

"I'm not jealous," - O'Connell lets a chuckle pass through her lips, and even drowned in the rumble of the car it doesn't seem sincere.

"Oh, what are you saying?" - you raise an eyebrow, and Eilish casts a quick glance at you-the blue sea is completely draped in eloquent silver serpents, to see which: an honor purely for you and no one else.

"Okay, yeah. I'm jealous." - Eilish exhales in astonishment, jerking the long clutch lever with her hand, to which the iron hulk rumbles, going leisurely to the right on its powerful tires. You see parking lot markings in the distance and a small silhouette waving two neon-orange flags: obviously the parking attendant himself. - "I don't like it when your attention and admiration isn't on me."

"My, you're greedy," - Billie tsked, rolling her eyes, but you only smiled affectionately. - "Would a kissing session make up for my shortcoming?"

Billie hesitates for a moment, rubbing her chin with one hand, then playfully pouts her lips in an olfactory pink bow like a child.

"If you also stand behind the cameras with the cameramen, catching my every glance, then quite possibly yes."

"Okay, I agree!" - You laugh, throwing your head back, and Eilish doesn't hold back in her supposed seriousness, drowning in laughter following you.

"Now get ready to get off. We'll walk from here. I have to see what kind of wall I have to break down."

You are silent, choking on air in a flash. Well, this is going to be an interesting shoot, though it's always just that way with Billie.

[rrxnjun]

i felt younger when we met | n. yuta

nakamoto yuta was your hero. as the lead singer of the rising punk band takes you along with him on his journey to stardom, you realize that you never knew heartbreak could taste so sweet.

PAIRING: nakamoto yuta x fem! reader STARRING: lead singer! yuta, guitarist! doyoung, bassist! johnny, drummer! mark GENRE: rockstar au, band au. angst, suggestive. WC: 17k (17.630) WARNINGS: age gap, mentions of alcohol, weed and hard drugs, yuta and his band actually played the warped tour (canon!) pls somebody tell me yall get the reference, cheating and breaking up

PLAYLIST: honey - l'arc en ciel ; i felt younger when we met - waterparks ; your power - billie eilish ; motion sickness - phoebe bridgers ; guys my age - hey violet ; praha/vídeň - calin ; drugs - cheridomingo

A/N: oh yall are gonna HAATE this one. thank you arden @zhongriot for brainstorming with me about this it was greatly appreciated <3 growing up is realizing doyoung was actually the only decent one and that jaechan was right. also the original title of this wip was honey so sweet bc of the honey cover just so yall know lol

I. honey, so sweet

The last few tones of a G chord resonate through the garage, the platinum blond’s raspy voice fading out into silence as you watch the band in front of you with stars in your eyes, breathless and with your ears ringing only slightly due to the noise that’s been happening for quite some time now. Feeling yourself clap and squeal at the little show you just finished watching, you’re brought up to your feet as you jump around enthusiastically, the sound of the thick sole of your boot against the ground waking you up only slightly from the weird state of euphoria you’ve been in until now. 

You’ve known Yuta for quite some time now, but this was the first time he let you watch his band practice. Everything you’ve known about the music he plays was through the headphones sneakily passed to you when you had a night shift at the diner, or from the voice memos he’d send you very early on in the morning when you were supposed to be asleep, and everything you’ve known about his band members was through his words shared in the comfort of his car seats or the benches in the park. You’ve seen Mark once before, when he had late dinner with Yuta while you were working at the diner downtown, but your interaction didn’t go further than a polite greeting and a boyish grin sent your way from the charming drummer. 

It’s only natural that everything about the late night feels ecstatic to you now. The tones of electric guitars and the rhythm of the drums making your heart beat faster than before, Yuta’s sharp, yet hearty vocals calling to you like sirens in the middle of the ocean. Tonight’s one of the few nights you don’t have night shift at the diner– since you usually take all Friday night ones; you get paid more for them and with your schedule at school, you can’t afford to work more night shifts throughout the week– and Yuta took that as an opportunity to invite you over to his garage to listen to his band play. The lead singer made eye contact with you throughout each song, and you felt yourself flush at the thought that the words coming out of his mouth might have been addressed to you, written about you, adrenaline soaring freely through your veins. 

“That was amazing! Wow, like,” you throw your hands up, at a loss for words, “I literally couldn’t believe my ears.”

“You expected less of me, babe?” Yuta grins at you from his place at the microphone stand, taking a step back from the device to put away the guitar hanging around his neck. You watch his movements intensively, eyes scanning the outline of his biceps and the loose hems of his jet black shirt, the platinum white hair falling into his eyes. “I thought you already knew what we were made of when I let you listen to our songs back then.”

“Well,” you sheepishly hum, “it’s different to hear it live.”

The singer snickers, shrugging to himself. “Told you to prepare yourself.”

“I don’t think I could even if I tried,” you compliment the man, eyes watching the rest of the band as they put their respective instruments away. And again, you don’t know these men that well– you’re not as familiar with them as you are with their frontman, since you haven’t spent much time around them just yet– but there’s something joyful in the bassist, Johnny’s smile when he meets your eye before he puts away his guitar into its dark blue case. 

Their band– Neo zone– consists of four members. Yuta, your friend, plays the guitar and sings. He’s the frontman of the group and also the person that founded the band; at least that’s what he told you. He met Johnny at college– both of them majoring in Finance before they decided to drop out in their sophomore year– and soon after, he recruited his friend to be the bassist for his band. The two of them met Doyoung, their lead guitarist, at a concert of an underground band some years ago through a mutual friend Taeyong, and they all hit it off so well that when the thought of a band first came to light, Yuta wasted no time in chatting up the charming male for the position. And lastly, their drummer Mark– he was the youngest of them all, the most quiet one, and from what Yuta told you, he met the man through his younger brother. The two of them were friends at college, so Mark spent a lot of time over at Yuta’s house, and he knew that the male could play the drums– so after a casual conversation over a beer one evening, here they were.

“I’m heading home,” says the drummer, waving at the rest of the group, “I have a thing I’m supposed to attend with Jaehyun today.”

“Aight,” Yuta hums, nodding, “good job today, Markie. See you next week!”

The male disappears out of the rusty garage in no time, and with him follows the tall one– Johnny– saying he has a morning shift at the store he works at tomorrow, excusing himself out of the after-practice hangout. That leaves only you, Yuta and Doyoung in the room, and while you’d like to get to know his friends and bandmates better, you’d be more satisfied if either all of them stayed behind, or if the only one who stayed was anyone but the lead guitarist.

See, you don’t know Kim Doyoung that well. All you know about him is that he’s a year younger than Yuta and that he’s painfully good at what he does. You also know that he has a sharp jawline and even sharper eyes, which he gladly lands on you whenever he hears you talk, and that motion makes you self-conscious and insecure on most instances. He also has a sharp tongue, which you learned not that long after being first introduced to him this afternoon, and while you don’t know what you did to get on the man’s nerves so much, you figured it’s for the best to interact with him as least as humanly possible if you wanted to spare your feelings and not get yourself hurt.

“Today was good, but try getting over the last song on your own again,” Doyoung offers to his friend, watching him with cold eyes. Yuta makes his way around the room and takes a seat next to you on the dusty, maroon sofa, his legs spreading wide making your eyes drift towards his lean figure. You watch the exchange silently, picking at the skin of your cuticles anxiously, hoping for it to be over quickly.

“The Departure?” Yuta assures himself.

Doyoung nods as he hides his guitar into his case as well, handling the instrument with utmost care. “You went a little off-beat in the last part.”

“Got it, chief,” Yuta jokes, saluting the man, a lazy grin overtaking his features. “Wanna grab a beer and stay over for a bit?” he asks, the question making your insides heaten up with anticipation, stinging a bit of an anxious fear.

It’s almost as if the guitarist feels that you’re afraid of his presence– it’s not like he scares you, to be exact, you’re just slightly intimidated by the serpent-like male– as he meets your eye before he turns towards the frontman. “Nah,” he shrugs, “I’m good. Maybe next time,” he adds, taking the guitar case off the ground and heading towards the door.

“Whatever floats your boat.”

“Try not to fuck the kid on the couch, right? We sit there sometimes,” Doyoung snickers before he’s off, his raven bangs bouncing up and down when he skips out of the old-smelling garage. The remark stings you a bit, the harsh words, although you hate to admit it, feel like salt thrown into a fresh wound, having you chew on the inside of your cheek as you listen to the door close behind the male, leaving you alone with Yuta.

The male next to you clears his throat, easing the tension in your muscles when you look up at him and see him smiling softly at you, a twinkle in his eye. “What?” he asks you, sensing that you’re feeling a little down.

“It’s- it’s nothing,” you nod to yourself, not really wanting to be as vulnerable in front of your friend. You treasure Yuta more than anyone else, since you always somehow feel like your souls are connected on a level you haven’t felt with no one your whole life, but sometimes, you feel a bit shameful to admit to your worries in front of him. To the male, the world is his sea, his place that he swims through with passion and enthusiasm. He doesn’t seem like the type of person to worry about what your friends would think of him, no matter how bad it could be. He doesn’t seem like the type of person that would understand you if you worded your anxious feelings out loud, the type of person who’d reassure you without making you feel foolish. 

Still, somehow, he sees right through you. “Don’t worry about Doyoung. He’s got a stick up his butt on most days, it’s nothing to have with you,” he says, offering you the gentlest of smiles, poking your cheek a little when he sees you pout.

You heave out a sigh, but offer the man a loop-sided smile– the kind you fake, but hope the receiving side is satisfied– watching him as he scoots closer to you and puts an arm around your shoulder. The scent of his cologne hits your nose and you feel yourself easing into him, the gesture somehow protective and affectionate in your eyes, but the proximity still makes your heart thump fast against your ribcage. Taking a shaky breath through your nose, you find yourself staring intensely at his face.

“So you’re saying you enjoyed hearing us play?” he asks you, tone of voice kitten-like, yearning for praise. He sounds coy, confident, but still searches for hearing you say it out loud. Sometimes you think he enjoys listening to you talk about him. It makes him feel good when you flutter your eyelashes at the male in the middle of the diner and tell him you love the way he sings, it makes his ego grow when you gasp at all the right parts and compliment the lyrics in the chorus. And you don’t think it’s a bad thing– you think you’d do the same if you were in his shoes.

Hushed voice, you nod eagerly, grinning. “Yeah,” you agree. “I also enjoyed seeing you play,” you muse, watching as the satisfied look on Yuta’s face grows and his excited eyes gleam with more intensity. 

“Did you?” he teases, head ducking closer to you, the proximity making your breathing catch in your throat. You bet he knows about the effect he has on you by now– you bet he realizes that each time he talks to you with that tone, the flirty hint of it in his voice, you feel weak in your knees, ready to fold for him. You bet he is aware of the fact that you watch him all the time, eyes glued to his confident figure, amazed at the way he moves around the garage with his guitar, tinted with a hint of jealousy when the girls that go eat at the diner at the same time he visits you on your night shifts ogle him and he sends some a shameless wink. You’re almost sure he knows about the dreams you have of him at night, about the fact that you fantasize about him writing songs for you and singing them on stage, letting the world know that your feelings might be reciprocated. 

The idea makes you cave in on yourself. “Yeah,” you breathe out, feeling heat rising to the tips of your ears. 

“That’s good,” he hums, “wanna hear a little secret?” he asks, eyeing you with a glimmer in his eye. You hum in response, eager to be let in on the confidential information. “I wrote the last song about you,” he whispers. “Maybe I’ll release it one day.”

The sentence startles you, the comment makes all sorts of warm gold sprawl around your stomach, the tips of your ears burning and the nerve endings on your fingers tingling from excitement. “Really?” you gasp. You never imagined having a song written about you. You never imagined someone caring enough– never imagined having someone sing to you, about you. Sure, you fantasized about it happening, almost a little foolishly and childishly, but you never once dared to think of the fantasy as true.

Yuta laughs at your composure. You bet you look small in his eyes. “What? Are you shy about it, pretty girl?” 

“No,” you peep, averting your gaze from him and aimlessly searching through your surroundings, watching the unmoving garage. Your eyes glue to the white wall in front of you, ignoring the fact that Yuta’s face is only an inch away from yours, your hands now clammy as you rest them in your lap.

“It seems that you are,” he grins, “you don’t have to be, though,” he notes, a finger hooking around the bottom of your chin, a gentle hold making you turn your face towards him, eyes locking in a dangerous blink. 

Gaping, not breaking eye contact– too afraid to break the spark– you wait for what’s about to come, welcoming it with open arms. The air around you gets thicker and the silence becomes overbearing, you find yourself counting each white strand that falls into his eyes, when the male leans in to you, the sudden shift making your eyes flutter close on themselves.

It happens, the moment you’ve been dreaming about; the moment you’ve wanted to experience ever since you first met the male, all real and only yours to live over and over in your memories– Yuta kisses you, gently at first, lips playing with yours in a way that makes the soft sense of nervousness flutter like butterfly wings in your stomach. Your shy hands grip the front of his shirt when he deepens the kiss, makes it more firm and urgent, teeth clashing against each other in the messy cacophony of your souls, a sound of a heavy breath flying into your ear as the male grips your jaw and angles your face the way he wants it to, testing the waters with a bit of tongue.

You invite him in, parting your lips and letting him explore, letting him win the battle for dominance– not that you even wanted to be the one in charge in the first place– and although you feel a little overwhelmed, a bit too lost in the moment, you find yourself moving from your place and straddling his lap, the hands that were once cradling your face falling off and gripping your hips, keeping you right where you are. 

When you feel your lungs being knocked out of all oxygen, you pull away from the male, eyes locking with his swollen lips, and you feel a bit satisfied with yourself– having him like this, eyes blown-out and staring at you like you were the only thing in the whole entire universe that mattered right in this moment. There’s something about the wrinkles on his shirt from how you’ve been gripping on it, about his flushed cheeks, that makes you feel proud of yourself. You did this to him, you smile, you are the reason why he looks like this.

Pressing your forehead against his, eyes still staring into his deep, dark orbs, the singer breaks out into a boyish grin, shaking his head in disbelief, wanting to bring himself back to the present moment. “So I’ll take it as my pretty girl will come watch me play more often, right?” he hums.

A fluttery feeling erupts in your chest, warmth spreading all the way to the tips of your fingertips. “Your pretty girl?” you ask.

Yuta nods, snickering to himself. “My pretty girl,” he mumbles, and before you get a chance for a rebuttal, he pulls away an inch, cradling his neck up to press a peck to the middle of your forehead. 

The adrenaline, the smell of his cologne, the excitement seeping right through you and to the space all around– you never knew Yuta would taste this good. You never knew he could taste this sweet.

II. the rush of adrenaline, I'm not scared to jump in

The smell of burned oil and grease fills your nose as you make your way through the kitchen, figure skipping through the whole diner in irregular intervals during yet another one of your Friday night shifts. Taking the plate filled with chicken nuggets, potatoes and ranch dressing, you offer a quick smile to your coworker Jaechan as you walk out of the back, ready to serve the food to one of your regulars. 

As you finally get out of the heated and humid place, back to the main dining area that has air conditioning on, your eyes catch with a certain someone waiting for you at the pult, a grin settling onto his features when you light up at noticing his presence.

“I’ll be right with you,” you say to him as you pass his body and walk over to one of the tables in the corner of the room, smiling at your customer when you give him the plate. Your steps are lighter and more enthusiastic when you get back to Yuta sitting at one of the tall stools, his face still adorned with a soft smile. The male watches you as you work, and you feel warmth envelope your insides. 

“Weren’t you supposed to have practice tonight?” you ask him, settling behind the pult. There aren’t many people in the diner right now, and the work during the night is slow– you kind of despise the fact that you’re open 24/7, but that’s what you get for working at a diner– so there’s no issue in you chatting away with your friends that come visit when you have the time. You always make sure to do your job well and put the customers first, so your boss never really complained. 

“It’s over already,” he says, “we got over the songs quite quickly,” he notes, seeing you nod and smile at his response.

“That’s good,” you say, “I’m glad. Do you want something? Fries? Coke? On the house, obviously,” you grin, making the man eagerly nod to your question, eyes lit up in joy.

“Just a glass of coke is fine,” he says. 

You turn away from him for a mere second, taking one of the clean glasses to your hand and then walking a few steps to the right where the coolers are, taking out a glass bottle of Coca-Cola. Offering the drink back to your boyfriend, you watch him as he pours the black liquid into the tall glass, the two of you enveloped in a comfortable silence. The diner doesn’t play music after 10 PM, and somehow, you’re glad. It gets kind of annoying to listen to the same few songs on loop the whole night– because the speaker system is old and doesn’t have an AUX input, you have to listen to the same 3 CDs over and over again the whole year– and so whenever Yuta comes to visit you during your night shifts, the silence only adds to your sense of intimacy and comfort with the man.

“Was Doyoung less snappy today?” you ask, watching the male grin and shake his head at your question.

“A bit,” he admits, “not too much, though. Don’t know what’s gotten into him lately, but he’s been a real bitch.”

You hum at his response, eyes tracing his features. “Maybe he’s stressed about something,” you propose, and you don’t really put much meaning into your own words– you don’t know the man enough to know how he reacts under pressure, nor do you really care– but the man in front of you only squints his eyes in thought, shrugging.

“Could be it,” he agrees, “I mean, there’s a lot happening with the band right now, so it would be only natural,” he says, making you furrow your brows at him in question. You weren’t aware of anything big happening– maybe the news were recent, you didn’t know, but judging by the fact that you’re pretty updated on things concerning the band, you wouldn’t be surprised if they were. 

“What do you mean?” you ask, folding your hands at your chest and leaning on the counter, your face now closer to Yuta’s– god, you’ll never get used to just how beautiful this man is in your poor eyes.

The singer grins to himself, acting innocent. “Just… some stuff,” he says.

“What is it?” you ask again, this time with a coat of persistence in your voice. You don’t want to say it out loud, but you’re getting kind of worried– Yuta doesn’t usually hide things from you. Hell, you’d even go as far as saying that you are the first person he comes to when something happens, no matter if it’s good or bad, and with the suspicious way he’s acting right now, your mind can’t help but wander.

“Nothing,” he peeps, taking a sip out of his glass, making you sigh and roll your eyes at the male. You point your finger to the middle of his forehead, poking him– his head lulls backwards a little, making you heave out a soft giggle– before you squint at him in annoyance.

“Come on,” you huff, “you’re not gonna tell me?” you pout, mastering your best attempt at puppy eyes– something inside of you tells you that no matter how stubborn Yuta is, he’s kind of weak for you when you look at him like that– and the man only snickers at you as he shakes his head in disbelief.

“I will,” he admits, smiling at you. The gesture has you soften a bit, your muscles losing their previous tension, because come on– if he’s smiling at you like that, there’s no way the news could be bad– but before you get a chance to pry him about it, the ring above the door makes a sound and your eyes trace the figures of two girls, both a bit older than you, smiling at someone in particular.

And that someone isn’t you– of course, why would anyone smile at their server, am I right? – that someone is Nakamoto Yuta, the man sitting in front of you, and you’re already familiar enough with the two girls to know what’s about to happen next. 

See, you are aware that Yuta is attractive. Hell, you blushed under his gaze when you met him in this diner for the very first time, his hair back then raven black, falling into his eyes. You’re painfully aware of the fact that you’re not the only one who finds him beautiful, but there’s something about the very obvious gazes and giggles the girls who frequent the diner send to him that has your stomach turn, making you see red and feel very obvious green, and no matter what you do or try to tell to yourself, you can’t battle the feeling out of your veins.

The scenario is one you’ve seen before– the girls giggle out as they arrive, sharing a knowing look, before they pass the pult you two are standing behind, sending very obvious looks to Yuta as they reach for the table in the corner. They greet him with their soft, honey voices, they say “Hi Yuta!”, because he’s known around the town– everybody knows the name of the rising band’s lead singer, everybody wants to take a glimpse of him, shoot him a flirtatious smile, because once he makes it big, you can tell yourself you knew him, he knew you, he looked at you and said hi back. Yuta looks at them and grins, sends them a wink, greets them with his raspy voice that says “Hi ladies,”, and it makes your stomach growl, it makes your gaze harden, but most importantly, you feel acid on your tongue when the man in front of you sends them his usual wink.

Clearing your throat as all goes exactly how you remember and expect it to go, you watch as Yuta looks back at you with an innocent smile, not really minding that he told you you were his pretty girl just last week, not really caring that now, his actions have very different consequences. Back when you were uselessly pining over him, you knew your jealousy was foolish– you didn’t really have a reason to feel possessive over the man, because he was very clearly single. Now, things have changed, though, and you kind of expected his behavior to alter around the girls– the girls that are a few years older than you, a few inches taller than you, a bit more mature and a bit more pretty.

“Something’s wrong?” he asks you, face coy and feline-like. You glare at him, knowing he’s aware of what you’re implying, but still, he does nothing to apologize as he only giggles at you and leans in, pecking your lips. 

“Everything’s peachy,” you mumble, shaking your head as you take the menus from the counter, ready to serve the customers. 

As you’re about to exit the pult and pass your boyfriend, he grabs your wrist and spins you so you face him, making you watch as he downs the last remains of the Coke in his drink, offering you another smile. “I’m gonna get something at the gas station real quick,” he muses, “I’ll wait for you in my car after you get off?” 

Sighing, still acting a bit annoyed at his behavior– but knowing, sensing that you already forgave him the moment he spared you a single glance– you nod. The male pulls you closer to him, sending another kiss, this time firmer, to your lips, and if he wasn’t in control of the situation, you know you’d get too lost in the moment, too distracted to do your job– but before you know it, he leans away and stands up from the tall chair, pats your bottom and walks over to the front door.

Watching as he disappears behind the glass, laughing to yourself when he waves at you and blows you a kiss, you shake your head as you walk over to the table with the two girls sitting at it, their mood not as bright as it was before, and with a victorious smirk, you realize, with a hint of joy in your heart, that they’ve been watching the exchange.

The singer waits for you in the parking lot, his figure leaning on the 2007 Volkswagen golf he sometimes drives you home in, and although it’s already 4:45 AM (your shift ends at 4:30, but you have to count up the register and change before you go), you find yourself walking over to him with a pep in your step. The platinum white falls into his eyes as he grins at you, reaching his arms out once you’re close enough, pulling you into a hug. 

You and Yuta never really hugged much. You can’t say you dislike the change. 

“How was the rest of the shift?” he mumbles into your hair, holding you close to his chest. His arms feel almost possessive, making you feel secure, and something about the whiff you get of his cologne makes your head spin a little when he lets go, watching you as you walk over to the passenger’s side and get into his car.

“It was okay,” you admit, shrugging, “not busy.”

“That’s good to hear,” he nods, getting in as well and fastening his seatbelt, putting the car into reverse and slowly driving out of the parking lot. The radio is turned off at this hour– a thing that rarely happens in Yuta’s car, because he always has to have music playing in the background of his life– and the silence envelopes you in an intimate, comforting atmosphere.

Hence, why you ask the crucial question that’s been bugging you the whole night. “What did you want to talk about earlier?” you mumble, the tone of your voice light and coated with tiredness. You’ve been up the whole day, since you have classes in the mornings, but now that you know there’s something Yuta’s been keeping away from you, you know you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep even if you tried, overthinking making your mind too busy to lull you into the dreamland.

“Are you up for a drive? I’ll tell you and then drop you off at dorms,” he asks, eyes locking with yours for a split second before he focuses back on the road.

Humming, you agree with his idea. You give him some time while he takes the turn that goes out of the city and towards the ring road, tracing his actions with your hazy, half-asleep eyes. The car takes a steady speed, one that’s neither alarming nor too slow, and Yuta’s palm easily takes a hold of your thigh, the steering wheel now being operated with only one of his arms. The affectionate action makes you feel heat in the tips of your ears and on the highest parts of your cheekbones, gaze shifting away from the male next to you towards the empty road. Everything about the things you’ve been dreaming about– the subtle touches, the glances, the pet names– makes you shy away from the man. It’s not that you don’t enjoy it, you would be a liar if you said you didn’t, but still– the novelty of it all still surprises you, keeps you on your feet.

“So,” he starts, clearing his throat a bit before proceeding, “you know how I told you we now practice more often than we used to?” he asks, eyes peering at you with expectation, waiting for you to answer. You offer him a tired hum, too sleepy to really master up anything else, and when it reaches his ears, he takes it as his lead to continue.

“Well, it was for a reason… at our last gig, there were some scouting people, or whatever you call it… and I didn’t tell you before, because it wasn’t certain and I also don’t really know how these things go– y’know, that’s Doyoung’s thing, sorta– and I also didn’t wanna sound silly if things didn’t work out,” he explains, deep voice resonating through the low hum of the engine, keeping you awake, “but things did work out and we got signed to a label.”

Yuta gives you a minute to process the information. He doesn’t say anything for a bit, only waiting for you to reply back to him– to react, in any way, really– and when he doesn’t get any words out of you, he looks at you with a look so fragilely expecting that you almost want to coo at the male and hold him in your arms, tell him you’re just as excited as he is, because it’s the truth, and you are; you just can’t really find the right words to express so right now. 

“Wow,” you heave out, half-lidded, something warm and proud bundling up in the depths of your chest, “that’s- that’s awesome,” you mumble, watching as the male next to you visibly relaxes at your response.

“Yeah,” he nods, suddenly more energetic than before, and you chuckle at the realization of just how important your opinion was for him– even though it shouldn’t be, really. It’s always been his dream, and what you think of the matter shouldn’t be any of his concern. “So they heard us play and listened to our songs and stuff, and they said we can record an album somewhere towards the end of the year, but they said we gotta promote ourselves a bit first, so…” he freezes a little, chewing on the bottom of his lip.

Suddenly, he seems nervous again. It’s a strange sight– you don’t often see Nakamoto Yuta so worried about the opinion of other people. You don’t often have the privilege to see the singer so open and so vulnerable, so easy to break. It only happens with stuff important to him, you think– the band is always his priority, and you’re more than happy that he’s finally getting the recognition he deserves and strives for. Hand slowly reaching for the one that’s resting on your thigh, you interlock your fingers with him and squeeze his palm in a reassuring manner, as if to tell him that he doesn’t have to be afraid, that you’re his biggest supporter, that you’re always here for all the news– good or bad.

“So…?” you prob him.

“So,” he clears his throat, smiling at you when he gets reassured, “we’re going to tour this one festival. It’s only for a couple of weeks, and it’s around the country, so we don’t have to fly out and all, but… I’ll be out of the city for a while, is what I’m saying.”

The confession makes your stomach churn in fear. Suddenly, you’re painfully aware of Yuta’s worry about talking to you about the topic. Somehow, you understand him completely. Ever since you met Yuta, you haven’t gone more than three days without seeing each other. You two are like puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly, always searching for the other pair when it’s not in its place by your side. Your relationship is very fresh, very new, and although you know your bond is stronger than the distance, you can’t help but feel a bit of worry in the tips of your fingertips, in the pit of your stomach. And also, there’s this silly feeling– small, but yet so overbearing– that comes with the image of not being close to Yuta for weeks, of not being able to see him every day and find the light in his eyes to get you through the week. There’s this silly feeling of missing him, of yearning for him to be there with you every minute and every second of the day, and hell, sometimes you miss him even when he’s away for a day, and you don’t know what you’ll do if it’s gonna be weeks, a big, nasty thought that’s both unreal and too realistic prickling your brain– how will you even survive when he’s not by your side? Without Yuta, you’re nothing. No one.

Still, you’re not about to ruin this for him. You’re not about to act sad, or act disappointed, because you’re not, at the end of the day. At the end of it all, you’re aware that this has always been his dream. You are happy for him– you’re ecstatic. And that’s exactly how you’re gonna react.

“That’s awesome, Yuta,” you muse, and you’re glad the tone of your voice stays genuine, “that’s big news. I’m so happy for you,” you say, seeing as the male next to you breaks out into a boyish grin, excitement spreading into every inch of his body, fingers tugging at yours to bring your interlocked hands into his lap. 

“It’s gonna be over soon and then I’m right back by your side,” he hums, and you shake your head at him.

“I’ll wait however long it takes,” you disagree with his statement, “don’t you worry. I’m gonna cheer for you every night.”

The road in front of you signals a turn back into the city, Yuta’s car naturally and smoothly driving back towards the center of life. You subtly hear your partner talk excitedly about all his dreams and all the visions he has of the festival tour– how he’s going to have the time of his life, how the boys will make it big, how he can’t wait to show everyone what they’re made of– and although you’re happy and content, the buzzing excitement of his voice does nothing to keep you awake in the late hour. You feel a peck pressed to the back of your hand, your sleep-filled eyes meeting with his, when he shakes his head at you in disbelief.

“We’re almost at yours now,” he hums, “I’ll wake you up in front of the building.”

Smiling, you nod. Somehow, you drift off with thoughts of full crowds cheering for Yuta, with thoughts wishing for him to make it just as big as he’s always dreamt of. You battle your own worries away, telling them you’re silly for thinking that things will change between the two of you when he’s away, writing them off to be your own unreasonable anxieties. 

Things won’t change, you repeat to yourself, and if so, only for the better.

III. a little bit of California with a little bit of London sky

Life has stilled into a pleasant, comfortable routine for the two of you. You admired just how easily Yuta fit into your daily schedule, just how easily he managed to get used to the cycle of your days, and the knowledge makes you that much sadder to let him go. You go to class from Monday to Friday, snatching mostly the morning ones this semester, which is a thing you’ve grown to be appreciative of, since it means you have time off in the afternoon for your shifts and hanging out with Yuta. On Friday evenings, you take the night shift and have your boyfriend drive you back to dorms when you’re off, and on Sundays, you and Yuta go out to eat in your favorite sushi restaurant downtown as he talks to you about the events of the whole week. He talks your ear off with his excitement, sometimes not even giving you a chance to speak yourself– which he apologizes for on most days, and you’re not mad at him, because truly, you understand– telling you about how practice is going and how their new manager, a thing they haven’t had before, is keeping everything in check for when the festival tour happens. 

You went to listen to them practice one more time. You don’t really dare to go close to the garage anymore, since Doyoung has not grown warmer to your presence, but you still enjoyed yourself as you realized that their mutual passion only made them perform better. 

And with days going by slowly like this, you almost don’t notice when it’s time for Yuta to leave, and suddenly, you’re standing in the crowd of the first show of their first festival tour– the thing that’s supposedly going to make their career take off– as they play songs you know like the back of your hand by now for thousands of people around you in your hometown. Something about the first stop of the tour being your hometown made you feel a bit unsettled– isn’t it always the other way around? Aren’t you supposed to reunite with your lover while he plays his last show back home? But then you realize that it’s a festival, and not their own tour– they aren’t as big to have one themselves yet– and you’re understanding of the logistics. They can’t all play the last show in their hometown.

You brought your roommate Aeri along with you to the show, both of your outfits matching in shades of black and red as you make your way towards the front row, making sure you have good enough of a view to see your boyfriend on the stage. There’s a nervous pep in your step when you wait for the band to arrive, the knowledge that your roommate has never seen Yuta before; you wonder if this is how he felt when he was introducing you to his bandmates all those weeks before, and if so, why he didn’t tell you about it.

Murmurs of the people in the crowd fill your ears, and you watch them with a horrifying realization that you don’t seem like you belong here– so out of the general aesthetic of the crowd, making you feel not cool enough, not punk enough, not good enough to be by the side of someone like Yuta– but before you get a chance to really vocalize your thoughts, there’s a sound of a drum coming from the front of the stage that makes you turn your head forward, watching as Mark grins at the crowd with something you’d call a nervous, yet excited smile, starting off their gig with an up-beat song.

“They’re kinda good!” you hear Aeri scream into your ear, and something about the compliment makes you relax. This is a good thing, you think– she doesn’t hate it, which means she probably won’t hate the members of the band themselves either. 

Once Yuta walks on the stage with his guitar slung over his neck, playing the chords you’d be able to name by memory– having your boyfriend repeat them to himself for a few good minutes once when you came over to his house and he was practicing the song by himself– and even though you wouldn’t be able to play it, you’re sure you’d recognize this song even if you were woken up in the middle of the night, slightly sleepy and still out of it. The crowd cheers, and you find yourself smiling in a sense of euphoria. 

Jumping around with the rest of the population, you get lost in the music. Their set plays out for a good hour and a half, combining cover songs and their own originals, the sun setting with the sound of their eclectic guitars. There’s always something about concerts that makes you lost in time, not really register the way it flows by and leaves you unknowing in the spiral. You didn’t even realize it– you don’t think you even fully registered the experience of seeing Yuta play live on a stage for the first time– and it’s over and you’re catching your breath, feeling your ears ring from the noise that’s been there for the last hour or so and now isn’t, everything around you muffled and a little bit hazy.

“Let’s go, we gotta catch them in the back,” you hurriedly mumble into Aeri’s ear, the girl following you with excited steps as you drag her around the crowded space. Yuta told you he is leaving as soon as the festival ends so their van can drive over to the next city as soon as possible, and since they were the second to last to go on, you feel a threatening bubble growing in your chest.

There’s a group of girls waving at the band leaving off stage, and you pray that you can somehow catch Yuta before he has to walk over to their van.

You catch a glimpse of the platinum white bangs when you jump around and try to see them, and as your eyes meet, the singer breaks out into a smile before he turns towards the rest of the band, waving at them and telling them that they can go and that he’ll find his way back in a bit. The gesture warms your heart, a sense of relief settling onto your shoulders. 

“You were amazing!” you holler as you get towards the metal gate that keeps the artists away from the crowd, your body getting into contact with the cold material as you throw your hands around your boyfriend’s neck, grasping him harder than ever before. His arms reach around your waist, squeezing out all of the air in your lungs, as a laugh bubbles out of his chest and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

“I was singing the songs for you, babygirl,” he hums into your ear, heat rising to your cheeks at the sentiment. When you pull away visibly flustered, Yuta laughs at your face, making you swat his arm in an act of playfulness. “You must be Aeri!” the man notices your roommate tagging along, smiling at her with his welcoming, warm smile. 

The girl nods at him, greeting him almost a little too politely. “Yeah! I heard a lot about you, so I’m glad Y/N wasn’t lying, y’know,” she giggles, and you roll your eyes.

“See, I would never lie to you,” you snicker, and as you put your arm on the metal gate to steady yourself, you feel warmth cover it as Yuta’s own palm envelopes it in a sweet gesture that still surprises you whenever it so effortlessly happens, but also puts you at ease all in one minute. 

“I liked the drummer,” Aeri muses, making Yuta laugh at her.

“I’ll let him know,” he salutes, and with that, he turns back to you with wide eyes, a thousand glimmering stars behind them making you admire just how beautiful and full of life the man in front of you suddenly looks. It tugs at your heartstrings– it’s only the first show and it’s already gone so well, he was born for this, you think, and even though it’s difficult, you suddenly feel like letting him go will be so much easier after the sight, because you’ll be doing it with the knowledge that it’s the best possible thing for him, something you would never be able to give to him if he was stuck with you back home.

“It went exactly how we wanted it to go, it was- it was so great,” he sighs, the crowd behind you suddenly disappearing and grouping around the front of the stage again, signaling that the next band is about to play and finish off tonight’s stop, “thank you for coming.”

“I wouldn’t miss it, you know,” you shrug, gazing into his eyes. There’s a lot of noise around you– the sound of the people talking and cheering behind your back, the beat of the drums, the shuffling of feet– yet, you feel like in this moment, everything else tuned out, everything around you disappeared for a second and left only you and Yuta in the big place, eyes and hearts for each other.

“I’m gonna–”

“Don’t say it,” you hush him, chewing on the inside of your cheek in nerves. You don’t want to hear it– you don’t want to hear him say it, because then, it would make it feel more real, more raw. You wanted to name the sensation when it comes to you, not have it in your brain before you even get a chance to get it, but Yuta shakes his head at you and sighs.

“I have to say it.”

“No, you don’t,” you giggle, amidst a little sadly.

“I do,” he nods, “because it’s true. And you deserve to hear it face to face, not over the phone,” he says, and you heave out a sigh at his words.

“Fine,” you grant him permission. Get it over with.

He shakes his head at you in disbelief, his hair bouncing in the motion. It makes you want to reach over and brush back the damp locks, put the wet strands into their place, but you don’t– and why you stop yourself is a question you don’t get to ask. “I’m gonna miss you,” he completes, and you nod.

Tears prickle at the edges of your eyes, and you promised yourself you’re not going to cry when Yuta goes– something about it feeling childish, too overly dramatic for a fact that he’s gonna be away only for a couple of weeks– and that’s exactly why you didn’t want him to say it, why you didn’t want to hear the words before he’s miles away and talking to you through the phone, because crying seems foolish in this moment. It seems stupid, dumb, dramatic, because tonight’s a good night– one that should be celebrated– and you feel like you’re ruining it.

“I’m gonna miss you more,” you muse, choking through the tears, battling away the heat in the corners of your eyes and begging that no tears actually fall down your cheeks– you could handle tearing up, but crying was a bit too much– but when the man softly scoffs at your state and brings you towards his chest, you feel them escape and fall freely, wetting his sweaty shirt more as you hold him closer, trying to hide into his body.

Who knows? Maybe if you hug him hard enough, you’ll be able to fit into his skin so he could bring you with him. Maybe you won’t have to be apart. 

“Don’t cry, you dummy,” he sighs as you push yourself away from him, trying to laugh through the pain that’s hitting you in your gut right now, praying hard you can ease the situation, “I’ll be back in no time,” he says, wiping at your cheeks with the pads of his thumbs– one of the only fingers that aren’t calloused with the force he plays on the guitar– the action so tender you swallow in on yourself.

His voice is as soft as it can get over the loud music, and you nod at him, trapping your bottom lip between your teeth so you can stop it from trembling. “Come here,” he hums, tugging you into him once more, but before you get a chance to hide your face into his chest, the male leans towards you and kisses you on your lips, a firm, sweet contact with the chapped surface.

When you pull away, he goes in for another, a starved man wanting more, and you try to remember the imprint of his lips on yours so you don’t miss it on lonely nights, so you can remind yourself of it whenever he’s away. 

There’s an arm on his shoulder when you pull away from him, a tall figure tugging him backwards, and before you have a chance to register what’s happening, you recognise Doyoung telling your boyfriend that it’s time to go, we gotta get on the road soon, and you’re left aimless and lost in the crowd, the hollowing feeling in your stomach only deepening once Yuta nods at his bandmate and turns to you again, smiling.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” you tell him, hating the fact that you can barely see him over the tears, but not really caring enough to try to stop them now. 

“I will,” he reassures you, hand coming up to your hair to pet it, a soft laugh escaping his throat. “I gotta go now, baby.”

“Okay,” you nod.

“Okay,” he repeats, taking a few steps back from you. You watch him, his figure skipping away from you, when he turns and hollers over the loud set. “Love you!”

You don’t get a chance to react before he disappears out of your sight. You don't even get a chance to say it back after hearing it from him for the first time, and something about the fact brings countless worries to your chest. Still, you chant to yourself– nothing’s gonna change. And if so, only for the better.

IV. no matter where you go, somebody follows

Navigating through the foreign city with the hood pulled over your head, the plastic bag full of take-out hanging loosely from your hold, you squint at the buildings around you and sigh in relief with the recognition of your surroundings– you didn’t get lost, despite your biggest concerns, and you’re at the parking lot behind the venue, multiple buses parked right in front of you. Jogging through the space, your sneakers hitting the pavement in a sound you find satisfactory and calming to your nerves, you reach one of the older buses parked in the corner of the parking lot, the windows dark and the vehicle painted in a chipping, rusty white color. Still, it’s a tour bus– an upgrade from what Yuta and his band departed in from your hometown just three weeks ago– and you feel a sense of pride swell inside of your chest at the sight. 

Yuta’s band has been growing successfully and steadily– just like his new manager thought would happen. Their songs are catchy, their fanbase is growing in amount, their exposure is getting bigger on social media and some of their songs even play on the radio. Sure, you wouldn’t call them radio hits– it’s not like your parents or your professors would recognize the band or know the lyrics if you showed them the tune– but it’s still something, and even that something feels tremendously big in your eyes.

The decision of skipping school for a few days and coming up to visit Yuta on his tour was spontaneous. It came to you after you missed him particularly much one night, going to sleep without his call– he apologized a day later, telling you he’d been too busy to talk– and after you counted up the money you saved up from working at the diner, you realized you can afford going on a little getaway to meet up with your lover. Yuta was delighted to hear about your plan and even got you a free ticket to the festival, and after watching him and his band play, you decided to get McDonald’s as a form of a late night snack. 

You expected your boyfriend to follow you, but he didn’t. It was okay, though– he was probably tired. Traveling both gives and takes a lot from you, and while Yuta was given a thousand opportunities over the past few days, his energy has been slowly receding. You understand– as his girlfriend, it’s your job to.

Knocking on the door of the bus– and hearing the ruckus coming from the inside, making you gaze at the darkened windows in suspicion– you get inside after the driver opens the door for you and nods at you in acknowledgement. The tour bus is kind of old, again– Yuta isn’t at a point in his career yet where he could afford the latest gadgets– but although the lights aren’t neon and the space isn’t big and modern, it still serves its purpose. It has a functioning bathroom in the front, with a surprisingly working lock on the door, and it also has a kitchen area that’s big enough to host a couple of people behind the efficiently placed table. The bus has a corridor with bunk beds on the sides and a small bedroom in the very back of it all, which is used by their manager Sangyeon. 

Usually, the bus stinks a bit. You don’t really know what it is, but you can’t really get the bad smell out no matter how hard you try. Now, though, the bus stinks even worse– and although the smell is a tad bit different than the one you’re used to (even though you’ve only been here for 2 days, with the next day being the morning of your departure back home, to your ordinary life), you can’t quite put your finger on the cause. 

You walk over to the kitchen area, the plastic bag full of food still loosely placed in your grasp, and the noise gets even louder now, the laughter and the loud music over the speakers mixing together in a way that has your head pounding similarly than to what you experience when you stand front-row during the festivals, and when you put your head through the entry to the small area, the sight in front of you has you gasping. There’s a bit more people in the tour bus than you’d expect– you mentally count the heads, realizing there are four unfamiliar faces in the small crowd– and that’s what initially makes you shy away and want to hide. See, your experience with Yuta’s band mates wasn’t the brightest– that’s why meeting another potential friend group of your boyfriend has you shrinking away in worry.

“You’re back already?” Mark asks you, your presence noticed by the man first. You nod at him, offering him a tight-lipped smile as you hold up the plastic bag in the air, showing him its contents. He smiles at you, but doesn’t pay you much attention after, instead focusing back on the commotion in front of him. 

Disappointment washes over you when you realize your presence hasn’t been acknowledged by your boyfriend– mainly because everyone else at least offered you a nonchalant nod of a head, Doyoung included– and that’s when you sigh to yourself and move closer to the small table, ready to put the food in the middle and try to join the conversation. You’re taken by surprise when you realize it’s harder to find an empty space on the crowded surface, bottles of beer, shot glasses and a bottle of tequila settled all around, a potato chip bag thrown in the corner, almost falling off. An ashtray in the middle of it all, almost full to the brim, something white and messy lined up on the other side of the table, folded arms falling to the surface with a loud thud that have you snap your head around and watch Yuta as he settles his chin on them and closes his eyes and then slowly opens them in a hazy blink, pupils almost as big as his whole iris.

This has you stopping in your tracks, this has you slightly wake up in a cold sweat, making you too aware and alert of the situation. 

Your eyes scan the surroundings again. The four men at the table seem a bit older than your boyfriend, and you’re sure you saw them on stage a few hours ago, playing their own set. The bottles of alcohol are almost empty, the ashtray filled with cigarettes, your gaze finding the source of the weird, sweet, yet earthy smell when you see a bag of dried weeds loosely thrown behind a beer bottle, rolling papers settled on the side. Finding the platinum blonde head again, the line of white substance close to Yuta’s elbow, chills run down your spine when the male looks at you with big eyes, his smile slightly out of it, yet amazingly satisfied.

Suddenly, you’re terrified. You’re scared and afraid, and you wonder how things could have gotten so out of hand in the time you were gone. Surely your trip to McDonald’s didn’t take more than a few minutes, or did it? 

“What’s all this?” you ask Yuta, your voice hush, yet loud enough to be heard over the music.

“What?” he asks, voice coated in a blissful sweetness that has your hair stand up, goosebumps rising all over your body. Frustrated, you run your hand through your hair, seeing that your interaction doesn’t have many viewers comforting you only the slightest.

“What’s all this, Yuta?” you ask, pointing everywhere around the place, but mainly to the substances found on the small, dark-wooden table.

“We’re just having fun, baby,” he says lazily, grinning at you from under his eyelashes. Were the circumstances given to you different, you’d admire his features– his flushed cheeks and his strangely starry-glazed eyes, the satisfied and comfortable smirk playing with his flush lips. But now, you feel shaken-up; a strange kind of terror you’ve never experienced before, and frankly speaking, one you wouldn’t imagine experiencing even in your worst nightmares.

“This is fun to you?” you ask, scoffing. “Is- what happened here?” you keep dumbly asking, not finding any more coherent thoughts in your brain that could be expressed by words. Somehow, the whole situation is painted right in front of you, yet, you don’t think you have it in you to describe it or admit it to your brain.

“Why are you freaking out?” he asks, reaching out one of his hands to you to hold your hand, but you shake it off with a different sense of vigor. 

Why are you freaking out? Is he out of his mind? Does he not understand the consequences of his actions; the full implications of everything that’s going on right in this moment? Are you overreacting? You find it hard to think that’s the case.

You scoff at him, not really believing you’re in this situation right now. Something in you feels a bit shameful to be acting like this, now that you’ve been called out on it. You’re in a battle of opinions– one side telling you to drop it and let him live his life, because he’s an adult and he knows what he’s doing, the other one shouting at you that this is not okay and you need some space to breathe and get away for a second. Yuta said he was having fun, but to you, none of this was even close to funny.

“You’re unbelievable,” you say, moving away from him and sending him a gaze you hope signifies the turmoil of emotions on your insides right now, your hands shaking as you cross your arms on your chest. You’re not met with the desired reaction, though. Somehow, Yuta makes the matters even worse as he scoffs at you, shaking his head and pointing it towards the group as he mutters something under his breath.

“And you’re being unreasonable.”

The argument makes your blood cold, your eyes widen. You’re being unreasonable? In your eyes, you’re being ignored. You’re being put on the very end of the ranking of his priorities, and you’d understand it if the first one was held up by his career, his dreams– you’re not willing to battle for that place with alcohol and drugs, though. You’re simply not.

Storming out of the area, suddenly feeling like there’s no air in your lungs, no oxygen in the whole planet Earth, you run through the small and crowded place, making eye contact with no one as you run out without a plan. You bump into a slender figure as you plan on escaping the vehicle, right in the place where the stairs down are located, crossing your paths– one going in and the other one out. The person smells of cigarette smoke and when you look up to find a raven-haired boy staring at you with a glare, the plan of leaving sounds even more urgent in your head.

“Where are you running off to?” Doyoung asks, voice laced with indifference.

“I don’t want to talk right now,” you snap at him, trying to push through the small corridor past him so you can get out and get some air.

“Saw something you didn’t like?” he mocks, laughing at you.

“Doyoung-”

“Those places aren’t for college kids like you, Y/N,” he snarls, huffing out air as you push against his chest to get him out of the way, “this is how this world works. Get out before it gets you too, kid.”

V. you're the only one I'll miss when I'm gone

The coldness of the liquid spilling down your throat makes you cool down noticeably, your fingers working on the lace around your waist to loosen up the apron you’ve been wearing for the last couple of hours. You sit on one of the tall bar stools, facing the diner with your back, as you scroll through your phone and look through all your social media. You’re working another one of your night shifts, the diner surprisingly empty as you allow yourself some time to just sit around and do nothing– it’s not like you have anything else to do or any customers to serve in the first place.

Checking your messages– and finding none, much to your dismay– you move over to other apps, opening up Instagram with a swift tap of your finger, eyes tracing the posts appearing on your phone screen. There are some from your favorite music artists and some from your friends from high school, and you’d usually find an Instagram story from your boyfriend’s band right at the very beginning of the little reel on the top as well, but ever since they got signed to a label, their page is hands of their manager Sangyeon, so the account is no longer as active and as unserious as it was when Yuta was the one behind the posts. 

Scrolling down a little, your eyes zero in on a post of the mentioned account– a carousel of professionally-looking pictures of the band on the stage, taken from multiple angles and in perfect quality, colors most likely edited and lightning adjusted so they look as nice as they can. You were in the crowd just a week ago, and although you only left your visit recently, you already miss seeing Yuta in real life, playing and talking to you, existing by your side. 

You haven’t heard from him much since the day you left. Still shaken up from the sight in front of you that one night, the band’s manager let you sleep in the only bedroom of the tour bus before you took off to the station in the early morning, having Yuta groggily press a kiss to your forehead as a goodbye, telling you to stay safe as you travel, before he went back to sleep. The events of your last night with him went unnoticed and unmentioned and you’re not exactly sure if it’s for the best– you two barely call nowadays, since your schedules don’t align, and it’s kind of hard to talk about it over a text, especially when the conversations are short and dry, like they’ve been for the last few days. 

Zooming in on the picture, fingers pinching the screen to take a closer look on Yuta’s face, you chew on the inside of your cheek, letting your thoughts run a thousand miles an hour. What did you do wrong? Or was he just busy? 

That must be it. He’s in a band. A touring, rising band. He must be busy.

“What are you staring at?” you hear a male voice coming from your right, making you jump in your seat. Eyes landing on Jaechan, your coworker from the kitchen, you watch as he throws a damp kitchen towel to the counter and takes a seat on the chair next to you with a sigh. You shrug. The male takes a peek over your shoulder, craning up his neck to get a closer look, a hum escaping his throat at the sight. “Is that your boyfriend? I heard he’s in a band.”

You find yourself humming in agreement at his question. Jaechan nods at you in acknowledgement, resting his head into his palms, eyes zeroing on your stoic face. “Did something happen between the two of you? You don’t sound too happy talking about him right now.”

Sighing, you put the phone down, the screen still on and displaying the professional picture their photographer took, showing Yuta with his platinum blonde hair damp and all over the place, the singer in the middle of a song gripping his microphone tightly, veins protruding due to the notes he’s singing on his sweat-covered neck. Once again, you find yourself shrugging. “I don’t know. He’s just… not really talking to me?”

“Did you two have a fight?” 

“No,” you shake your head, “not really. It’s not like he’s not talking talking to me, it’s just that he’s not doing it as often as he used to before,” you explain, chewing on your bottom lip as you tear your eyes off the picture and glue them to your companion instead, seeing as the older male hums, pressing his lips into a tight line. 

“He must be busy,” you say, not really knowing who you’re saying this for. Is it to prove to Jaechan that your relationship is completely fine, that there’s nothing shifting in the dynamic you had with Yuta, or is it to reassure yourself, try to manifest the thought into life? You’re not quite sure at this point.

“Well, he texted you a lot more often before,” he points out, “how busy can a singer really be, you know what I mean?”

“There must be something that’s taking up so much of his time,” you sigh, the male in front of you scoffing and rolling his eyes at your naivety. 

Jaechan argues with you, and something about his sentence makes your mood even gloomier, your composure shake further. “I mean, what does a singer even do? He plays a gig in the evening and then he’s lazing off the whole day, it’s not like he’s recording an album or something, do you feel me?”

To this, you shrug. What does Jaechan even know about this? He’s never dated anyone in a band before. He’s never been in one either, so he can’t know how this life works. Maybe he’s just jealous that your significant other is famous and his is not (because it’s non-existent, just for the record), and that’s what’s making him say all these things.

“What do you know?” you scoff.

Jaechan looks at you with a softer look in his eyes now, the black bangs falling into his forehead serving as a sort of a curtain when he smiles sadly at his next words. “Enough to see when a guy gets bored, Y/N. If he had time before, he just can’t be assed now. I’d hate to see your heart break over him,” he says, each word like a sharp knife to your heart, a stinging pain erupting into each crevice of your body. Your mouth opens to reply to him, to argue that he is clueless, he is snide, he is acting like a know-it-all, when the bell above the entrance rings and a small group of teenagers enters the diner.

Before you get a chance to stand up from your place to re-tie your apron and serve them, Jaechan, who doesn’t usually serve– since cooking is his job around here– beats you to it and pats your shoulder as he goes. “I’ll get it.”

You’re left sitting at the bar, eyes bearing into the screen of your phone, gazing at Yuta on the other side of the country, almost begging him with your eyes to text, to call, to do something, before the screen darkens and your phone eventually locks, the time running out already.

VI. and he holds me like a woman

Prepared for another night of staring at the ceiling, not even the sound of Aeri’s snoring present to lull you to sleep with its monotonicity, since the girl went out and stayed over at her (as she calls him) sneaky link’s place, you settle into your bed sheets and pull your blanket close to your neck. Unlocking your phone and scrolling through social media, planning to do so until your eyes are droopy enough that you don’t have much time to overthink in the late hours of the night, waiting for sleep to take you, your finger moves through all the different apps, begging for your brain to stay occupied. You have to treat yourself like you’d treat a little child while trying to get them to sleep– except you don’t watch Cocomelon, instead you settle on the latest episode of your favorite podcast– and it starts working eventually, until you’re woken up with a knock to your door, cursing at the person behind the wall for disturbing your routine, because now, you’ll have to do it all over again.

Sighing, you stand up from your bed, lazily walking over to the door of your room– sometimes, you despise the fact that your dorm layout looks like the corridor of a hospital wing, with rooms all over the hall and a common kitchen and a bathroom at the very end, since the living space for you and your roommate Aeri is a 5x6 square meters with little to no storage room– but this time, you thank the god for this fact, since it means that nothing is too far out of reach and nothing can get lost in the small space. You think of whoever might be behind the door– is it Aeri? You doubt it’s Aeri. She usually doesn’t back out of a hook up, and even if she did, she’d text you about it before– she has her own set of keys as well, so she wouldn’t just knock. 

Is it your dorm mate? Yeji from three rooms down the corridor sometimes comes over and asks you if she can use your frying pan– since the ones in the common kitchen suck and are hardly ever clean– so maybe it’s her. However, you’re not quite sure why she’d want to cook something so late in the evening.

Shrugging, deciding that you’re not gonna dwell on the thought much longer and instead look for yourself, you unlock the door (you learned to do that every night after Ningning, the freshman that lives across the corridor from you, once stumbled into your room at 3 in the morning, drunk out of her mind, because she confused her left and right) and crack it open, shock overtaking you as you recognize the figure casually standing on the other side of the wall.

“What are you doing here?” you gasp, the man with platinum blonde hair snickering at your parted lips and big eyes.

“Visiting,” he shrugs, “I missed you.”

Taking a few seconds to process the situation, you stay standing in your place, a metaphorical loading bar appearing in the middle of your forehead. Yuta shakes his head at you in disbelief, taking a step closer towards you. “Aren’t you gonna invite me in?”

“I- I am, but-” you stutter, taking a step away from the doorway, watching as your boyfriend walks in as if he owned this place, “who let you in? We can’t have visitors after 10 PM,” you mumble, suddenly aware of the fact that you could get in trouble. 

You close the door after yourself and lock it– old habits die hard– as you watch the male giggle at your shaken composure. “The doorkeeper recognized me,” he announces, “I just had to say I have a girlfriend I haven’t seen in a while living here and he let me right in,” he shrugs.

Humming, you play with your fingers as you walk over to your bed. “So you’re like, famous famous now, huh?”

“Not that famous,” he sighs, “but quite a few people know me now.”

“So I’m dating a rockstar,” you joke, taking a seat on the uncomfortable mattress, watching as the male follows you and invites himself into the sheets.

“Something like that.”

A smile overtakes your features at that, and your room breaks into silence. Something about the quiet makes your skin scatter with goosebumps, the discomfort of his stare making you almost hate the fact that he’s here now, after not talking to you properly for a couple of weeks, but at the same time, you know you don’t really hate it. You love it, actually– the fact that he came to surprise you in the middle of the night, the fact that he’s here, the fact that he thought of you, spared you the time of his day. You love it and you love him and the fact that he came back to you. He came back for you. Only you. That sounds like a prize, doesn’t it?

Still, you feel a bit of a distance in between the two of you, and you can’t believe the fact that he feels further despite being closer in space. Maybe it’s because you can’t blame his lack of words for him being busy now– he’s right in front of you, paying you his full attention.

“How long are you staying?” you ask, picking at the skin of your cuticles.

Yuta averts his gaze from you, looking almost shameful at his reply. “I have to leave tomorrow afternoon,” he whispers, “I left suddenly, but we gotta get back on the road.”

You hum at that, not offering him a vocal reply– you don’t have any words to say to him anyway. What is there to say about a fact you can’t change? You only have to accept it.

“We only have a couple more stops to go. It will take another three weeks or so, and I’m back with you,” he says, this time locking his eyes with you in a sincere gaze, “I promise.”

The sentence has you gazing at your hands, clasped in your lap, nodding. Holding eye contact with him is suddenly hard when you feel just how far away he is from you, in another world, in other circles– and you can’t help but not see yourself fitting those, you can’t help but hate the fact that you’re so far away from everything that completes him as a person now. Maybe you’re a burden now– maybe you’re a nuisance, a baggage he has to carry even though he doesn’t have to, but keeps holding on to just because of a promise.

You remember how you chanted to yourself– believed– that nothing’s gonna change, and if so, only for the better. But you’re not so sure it came true, looking at everything now. And you do admit, you feel a little silly. Both for making the promise to yourself, and both for feeling so defeated when your world is shifting. Because things did change, and you should’ve expected it, and for Yuta, they did change for the better. He’s chasing his dream and everything’s coming out well for him. You should be happy.

You should be happy that he’s texting you less, talking to you less, having less time for you. Because that’s proof of him succeeding, after all. You just wish you could’ve been there to witness it with him.

“It must be so hard for you,” Yuta suddenly hums, leaning closer to you and wiping your cheeks. You haven’t even realized you were crying– you failed to keep your emotions in control– but instead of pushing him away and not showing him just how much the distance hurts you, you only hold him closer, crying into his chest.

His hands caress your hair, smoothing down the strands and providing you comfort, your body folding into his hold. He lays you both on the bed and tugs the blanket over you, strong arms shielding you from the pain. “Are you- are you having fun at least?” you ask, hiccuping through the sobs.

“I am,” he hums, and something about the sentence comforts you, making you fail to address everything you’ve witnessed when you came to visit him and just how much it made you worry, “wish you were there with me, but I know it’s hard. We just gotta hold on and get through this, and it will only get easier as we go, alright?”

You hum, fists bunching up the fabric of his thin black shirt. “Promise me to hold on for me, pretty girl? It’s gonna be okay. I swear.”

Another silent sob accompanied by an eager nod, hands letting go of his shirt and instead sneaking around his waist, nose burying into his chest intaking his scent. “I promise. It’s hard, but the thought of you having fun and chasing your dream comforts me.”

“That’s my sweet girl,” he hums, smoothing down your hair, “now stop crying. There’s nothing to be sad about.”

Nodding, you try your best to relax. He’s right– you were being unreasonable. Silly, even. Everything’s okay and everything will turn out just fine, you just gotta hold on for a few more weeks. Once Yuta’s back, your relationship will go back to normal and things will get better.

Leaning your head back, you press a kiss to his lips. He holds you to his chest, deepening the contact of his mouth with yours, wiping the last tears off your cheeks and placing pecks all over your face. When his lips find their way back to yours, his kisses are deeper, more firm, experience making him smoothly slip his tongue into your mouth to battle with yours, passion dripping off the muscle and tasting just like honey. 

He makes your heart race, just like he did when he first kissed you in his garage, and when his lips smoothly travel down your neck, placing bites and kitten licks to smooth the area after, you let him work his magic. You relax under his touches, you let him unravel you from your clothes, big hands testing flesh, calloused fingers pressing into all the right places. It feels amazing. It feels rewarding– and even though you’ve never done this before, you’re glad he’s your first. It’s good to look back at your first time when it’s done with someone you love– someone that’s admired, older, but still so fond of you. You feel beautiful with his hushed compliments, whispered promises. It’s like you’re running on a high, and you’re not sure if and when you’re ever gonna get back down.

You ache a little when you wake up for your morning class the day after. Throwing on his shirt you find on the floor, taking a seat next to him on the bed and brushing back his disheveled hair, his arm finds yours and tugs you back towards him.

“Stay,” he hums.

“I can’t,” you reply, “I have class in a few,” you explain, pressing a tender kiss to his cheek.

He sighs, dissatisfied, but lets you go. When he chants a goodbye at you as you close your door after with the knowledge that he won’t be there when you come home in the evening, you chew on the inside of your cheek with the crushing feeling of living in a different world than he does. And it shouldn’t matter to you– because he loves you and showed you so last night– but still, it keeps annoyingly eating you up from the insides.

He’s in a rising punk band, and you… you have to get to class.

VII. he used to sing me sweet melodies

The news hit you on a Thursday afternoon, on your way to dorms after your last class of the day. You feel exhausted, both mentally and physically, and so you decide to take the bus– the journey isn’t long, but you don’t feel like walking, and so you slung your pained body onto one of the free seats after pressing your travel card against the terminal to pay for the ride.

Fingers searching through your tote bag, a small sense of victory filling your veins when you finally find your phone in the mess of things, you grip the device and unlock it, deciding to search through social media to pass time and let yourself dissociate. 

A flood of uninteresting posts flashes through your vision as you absent-mindedly scroll through your feed, unfunny memes making you roll your eyes at the absurdity of the jokes, political discourse just making you sigh. After a while, posts from Neo zone update pages that you selfishly and amidst a little foolishly followed quite some time ago start appearing one-by-one on your Twitter feed, the face of your boyfriend smiling at you from fan-taken pictures from the last few stops of their festival tour. It’s been three weeks since you last saw Yuta, and even though you’re glad he’s enjoying his life to the fullest, you can’t help but admit to yourself that you oh so desire to have him back home as soon as possible.

One post in particular makes you stop in your tracks, furrowing your eyebrows as your eyes scan over the headline of an article with your boyfriend’s face clearly staring down at you through the screen. It’s not often that Yuta or his band get interviewed– or at least, it wasn’t the standard before, but you heard from him that he did get an interview from one of the local newspapers right after he got signed to an agency– but it seems that after getting interest from the punk scene during the festival, everybody wants to know more about the lead singer and his friends; press included. The existence of the interview itself isn’t what makes you so startled, though– it’s the headline of the article, each word like a sharp knife to your heart, making you more and more confused.

“No, I’m not dating anyone right now.” Neo Zone’s frontman reveals in our latest article, the title reads, your shaky fingers pressing down on the picture to have the text pop up, making you brace yourself for the impact. You know that the press loves to twist words and put statements into people’s mouths, but you don’t really know how those exact words could come out meaning something completely different– your very much taken boyfriend told everyone he is very much single. Do you not deserve to be talked about, after everything? Is he ashamed of you?

Sighing, taking a peek out of the window to see if you’re at your stop yet– you’re not, and you think you have just the right amount of time to read the whole article before you have to get off. And so you do that– eyes quickly skimming through the words, Yuta’s answers transcribed so perfectly you can almost hear his voice saying the words in your head, the essence of him everywhere, making your chest tighten on itself.

The Seoul-based punk band Neo Zone is picking up everyone’s attention as they take over the Warped tour festivals with their ecstatic performances and amazing stage presence. Their sound is like no one else’s, making their fanbase rise quickly, the fastly growing popularity making a lot of questions rise in the heads of the public– one question in particular mostly in the female side of the spectrum. 

We met with the frontman, 28-year old Yuta Nakamoto, to ask him a few questions about the band’s slow, but steady journey towards stardom, and also a bit about his personal life. Stay with us to get all the answers to questions you’ve been wondering about!

Eyes only briefly reading over the questions that ask about their journey– since you do know how they got where they are now, being there to witness it all; from band practices on Fridays, Yuta’s worried words at midnight over your night shifts, the songwriting sessions they had with Doyoung, where Yuta would send you pictures of his lyrics, asking for advice from his one and only muse, to them getting signed and going from playing local gigs at bars filled with cigarette smoke to venues filled with thousands of fans, all in the course of a few months. There’s only one thing you’re searching for in this article– although you’d read it all anyways, taking your time to patiently skim over each sentence, cheering Yuta on silently, there’s a thing in particular that makes you so jumpy to get to the bottom of the headline.

Finally, you get to it. You can only imagine the voice of the woman who did this interview with Yuta to be annoying, her eyes sneaky and coy as she asked him the question– but you soon catch yourself and sigh at your antics, at disbelief with what you managed to turn yourself into just for attention of a man that deemed you worthy.

“I’m sure a lot of girls are wondering the same thing, Yuta– especially after seeing you play on stage. I mean, you have an amazing stage presence, one that can’t help but attract people. The public– me included– wants to know: are you dating anyone right now?”

The singer laughs at the question, shrugging to himself. The words don’t take long to come out of his mouth. “No, not at all. With how things have been going for us, it’s been really hard to find some time to date, but I’m sure that if anyone shoots me a wink from the audience, I can change my mind quickly.”

The words make you scoff. You rest your head against the seat, your tongue poking the side of your cheek, when you notice that you’re at your stop– resulting in you scrambling for your things and practically throwing yourself out of the bus so the doors wouldn’t close on you and drive you away from the bus stop you need to get off on. Yuta’s response keeps repeating in your brain– ‘it’s been really hard to find some time to date’ –  at least he’s not lying about that, you think. 

And yes, maybe you should’ve understood his motives. Maybe he wanted to protect you from the hate, maybe he simply wanted to give you your privacy, but still– something in you breaks at being denied, at being hidden, and that burning, green feeling has you dialing Yuta’s number, waiting for the singer to reply.

It takes him a few seconds to pick up the call– you expected it, since it’s an usual occurrence now, with your texts going unanswered and calls mostly ignored, if taken, then either after a lot of ringing, or being returned to you after a few minutes when you get through to the voicemail. Still, you’re relieved when you hear his voice on the other side of the line, a little low and groggy, but still familiar.

“Hello, my love,” he says, and the pet name makes you equal parts warm and furious. So now you’re his love? What about the time he did the interview?

“Hi,” you breathe, walking down the sidewalk to your dorm building. 

“Why are you calling?” he asks. Do you need a reason to? He seems to be asking this a lot lately, but now that you actually have a reason is when the question hurts you the least.

You hum into the phone, finding the right words to say. Something inside of your gut is screaming at you, telling you just how silly and childish you’re going to sound– at just how demanding and clingy you’re going to look. But still, you can’t help but let the words slip past your mouth. “I was just wondering… about the stuff you said in the interview,” you say.

The male is silent for a little, not really responding to your worries. When he seems to gather that you’re not going to explain– and you don’t have to, since you’re aware that he knows what you mean by your subtle prompt– he talks to you with lightness in his tone, something akin to playful teasing in the reply that has you feeling stupid, so stupid for calling him. 

“About that? Y/N… you know you don’t have to worry about the two of us,” he says, laughing, “it’s just… I couldn’t just tell them I’m dating. My manager said I couldn’t, since it may damage the band’s image. I have to stay desirable to keep up the interest.”

You’re silent. So he did it for the band. Not your privacy, not your safety. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’ll make it up to you when I get back, okay?”

You find it in yourself to hum at his explanation– no matter how unsatisfactory it was, no matter how it made you feel even worse about the situation than before you called. It’s okay, though– you know that his band always comes first. You can’t tarnish his dreams like that. If a secret is what you have to be, then you’re more than okay with that, if it means Yuta gets to shine like the star he’s always been in your heart.

“Is that all you wanted to talk about?” he asks. “I have to go now, if you don’t have anything else.”

“That’s- that’s all, yeah,” you mumble, sighing as you walk over to the dorms, opening the door with your student ID and slipping inside. 

“Okay,” he hums, “I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”

No I love you, no how was your day, no I miss you. No I’ll see you soon, no I can’t wait to see your face, no I can’t wait to hear your voice. It’s okay, though– he must be tired.

VIII. broke, but gave all money to an airline

The next time you allow yourself to travel to see Yuta (despite all your responsibilities at college, with finals coming up and assignments piling up, making you bring your laptop to work with you and type away to finish up all your essays in between customers, having Jaechan read over the passages when your sleep deprivation gets the best of you and you can’t even recognise if you’re using the correct grammar and punctuation anymore), is on the last show of his festival tour. Something inside of you is telling you that you should go watch your boyfriend’s last gig for the time being, to congratulate him and show him just how much you support him, despite your busy schedule (that he is unaware of. You don’t want him to worry). 

And on top of that, it’s his birthday– the surprise visit to the show is only an addition to the gift you bought him, though. The personalized lyric journal and a box of his favorite chocolates seems too silly of a gift for somebody like Yuta Nakamoto, but it’s all you can afford, all you can give him. Still, you hope the sincerity and love is able to be felt through the action; you hope he realizes just how much you love him and just how much you missed him all those months.

The journey to the last state was long. You didn’t get enough sleep, you felt jittery and anxious, everything in your bones was screaming at you and cursing you for allowing yourself to make such a trip so early after the old one. Traveling is exhausting, you realize– both mentally and physically– when you have to walk distances and flash all your savings down the drain just to get bus tickets, when you have to rack your brain over to not get lost and take the right directions, make the right turns and walk the right distances. You guess you could understand Yuta a little bit better now– you’re not the one traveling somewhere else every night, and still, you feel insanely tired.

You didn’t tell Yuta about your visit. All you texted him the night before was that you wish him good luck on stage today and that you’re proud of him– sentences that get a short-cut response, an uninterested tone. You guess he just got bummed out that you didn’t stay up and wish him happy birthday the first thing at midnight– a thing he did for you when you weren’t even dating yet, the action warming you up so much back then– but even though it broke your heart, you couldn’t blow your own cover. You wanted to wish him happy birthday in person, to his face.

There is a buzz in the tips of your fingertips when you arrive at the festival. You’ve watched countless of clips online, experienced the concert first-hand multiple times before– you’re sure you could recite the setlist and the exact order of the acts playing if you were woken up in the middle of the night, drenched in cold sweat– but still, you can’t wait to see Yuta perform. You can’t wait to watch the joyful look on his face, the dreamy eyes gazing over the crowd, the raspy voice calling to you like a siren in a love song you were told was about you in the middle of the night, holding him in your dorm bed.

You didn’t stand in the front rows this time. For some reason, you don’t want the singer to know you’re here. You want to watch the show unnoticed, unannounced, enjoying it like every other fan would– except, you’re expecting to meet him after, the way so many girls dream of every night, but never get to experience.

And in a perfect reality, the show ends and you run backstage. The security acknowledges you as his girlfriend and lets you in, smiles at you and pats you on your lower back– go get him, he’s all yours– as you excitedly grin and get ready to finally close the distance between you. In your perfect dreams, that don’t become reality, you’re meeting Yuta and holding him close, chanting whispers at the universe and telling them see? We made it, no matter how many obstacles you threw our way. We made it despite the distance. 

Maybe somebody should’ve told you you were a naive dreamer before you came here to embarrass yourself. Nobody did, though– and so here you are.

“Unfortunately, fans aren’t allowed backstage,” the security says, and you understand him– your relationship is secret, not public, so really, he couldn’t have known you were not just a fan, but his girlfriend (despite still thinking that you are Yuta’s biggest fan, always. Nobody could ever support him the way you do).

“I’m not a fan, sir,” you grin, “I’m his girlfriend. I know anyone could say that, but if you just get someone from the back and tell them my name, they will tell you that I’m his partner, trust me,” you explain, a desperate inkling in your voice.

“I don’t have time for that, kid,” the man says. And it’s fair. He’s just doing his job.

“Please, I went here to surprise– there he goes!” you point towards your boyfriend walking off the stage, his head snapping towards you at the sound of your voice, still recognisable even through the flood of screams around. The man locks eyes with you and you wave at him, a fond smile overtaking your tired face, the flame inside you that’s currently giving you third degree burns of anxiety finally starts to get more subtle when recognition flashes through Yuta’s face, but again– you were naive. Naive to think he would appreciate your visit, naive to think he’d like the surprise, naive to think nothing would change between the two of you, naive to think he wouldn’t get tired and find someone new.

A naive kid.

That’s what you are.

Nakamoto Yuta runs off stage, envelopes an excited girl around her shoulders when she runs after him from backstage. Her hair is longer than yours, her face more mature, her smile similar to the ones you saw all the time at the diner whenever Yuta was around, a flirting spark somewhere in between her pearly white teeth. She kisses his jaw and he grins at her, not bothering to look around. The crowd around you gets silent, but your brain tells you it’s foolish to think everyone suddenly stopped talking– it was just your senses slowly shutting out, your vision getting blurry.

So this was the problem all along, you think.

“Anything else? If you’re done being delusional, you can get lost,” the security spits at you, and you chuckle to yourself. 

Delusional. That hits the nail on the head.

Nodding, you chew on the inside of your cheek as you stumble backwards, running off through the crowd as you try your best not to get your legs tied and fall over. Your vision is hazy and you refuse to look up, too embarrassed, humiliated by the events of the day to show your face to anyone, resulting in you bumping into someone, your figure limply falling to the ground. Sobs make your shoulders shake, all motivation to stand up and move leaving your body when somebody crouches down next to you, a considerate female voice reaching your ears.

“Everything okay, hun? I’m so sorry, I should’ve watched my step,” she says, a hand patting your back, the smell of her perfume filling your nostrils. “Why are you crying? Are you hurt?”

Shaking your head, you refuse to speak. The female considerately sneaks her arms around you, pulling you to her chest. “What is it? You can tell it to a stranger, I won’t spill.”

“Yuta-” you choke out. Embarrassment is finally the least of your concerns.

“What? What about him?”

“I loved him and he– he threw it all away,” you finish, now completely breaking.

The girl rocks you back and forth, hand running up and down your back to get you to relax. It’s strange, since you haven’t even seen her face, haven’t even asked her name– for all you know, she could think you’re just a crazy fangirl, crying for no reason. But the universe has its way of looking out after you tonight– the soul next to you holding you tight, fingers running through your hair. “It’s alright, babygirl. Cry it out,” she says, “he doesn’t deserve you… I know, I’ve been there. That’s a lesson you have to learn, though– you never date a band guy. 

He’s always gonna break your heart.”

EPILOGUE - try not to abuse your power

Yuta Nakamoto was your hero.

He was your everything. He was someone you admired, someone you longed for, someone whose attention you craved for ever since the day you met him for the first time. It’s not every day you get to hang out with a guy that’s in a band, and it’s also not every day that the said guy shows you any type of interest or gives you any type of attention– and in your foolish heart, you took all of that and ran with it, chasing down the adrenaline and calling it love.

You guess it’s never a good idea to date your hero. See, people tend to idolize the ones they admire. People tend to put their heroes on the pedestal and do everything for them, putting them as their priority and disregarding their own needs and interests just to be worthy in the eyes of the other. You were too young to differentiate between healthy love and toxic obsession. You were too young to realize the relationship you had with Yuta wasn’t built on healthy grounds.

Yuta was your hero, yet, he managed to ruin you in a little not over a year. You bet it wasn’t even that hard.

Yuta was sweet. He tasted of honey and adrenaline, of chasing your dreams and running through empty streets with sparkles in your eyes. Yuta was someone older than you, more mature, promising you security and safety that he failed to give you despite your delusional beliefs of having your haven in him. You were young; thinking that guys your age don’t know how to treat you, won’t ever know how to treat you right– being with someone like Yuta was only right in your eyes. You were his fragile piece of pottery, the thing he was supposed to handle with care, and yet, you found yourself shattering at his touches. You should’ve expected it– his fingers were always too calloused to know how to touch anything gently anyway.

And yes, you do feel guilty. You do feel like it’s your fault that you let someone do this to you. You should’ve known better– you shouldn’t have been so childish, so naive. But really, you didn’t know any better. No one ever told you it was wrong. No one warned you. No one told you how it’s supposed to look.

No one told you that you weren’t supposed to spend all your money on plane and bus tickets just to see him for a couple of days. No one told you you weren’t supposed to support him unconditionally, ignore all the bad signs and pay no mind to the way his treatment made you feel worthless. No one told you you weren’t supposed to believe his sweet words, put trust into his empty promises.

It makes you sick, in a way. He knows your freckles, he knows your skin. He knows you like the back of his hand. Maybe, just maybe, you’d still fold under his touch if he dared to get close to you again. You don’t know if you’re strong enough to resist.

And maybe you do know better now, you do hate him for what he did, but you still miss him like a little kid. It’s like you were put on a drug that made you hate everyone and make him the only one you miss when you’re gone. 

You do miss him. You do sometimes look at his social media. You do read the headlines of magazines when his face is on the front page. You do think of him whenever you wipe the counters during your night shifts, gazing at the spot he used to sit in whenever he came to keep you company, almost as if you could wish him back into existence. It’s a weird battle. The strangest type of inner conflict.

Driving down the road, back to your dorm in the car you saved up for, the radio humming lowly to keep you company in the silence, you recognize the first few tones of a G chord, the song sending chills down your spine. You listen for a few seconds, waiting for his voice to start– the raspiness, the strongness of his vocals still making you feel some type of way– before you chuckle to yourself.

You guess he did end up releasing the song, after all.

You sigh. It feels like ages have gone by since you heard the song for the first time. It feels like you aged a thousand since you last saw his face.

It’s still strange to hear him on the radio. He made it big, you think. 

After all, you still wish him well. Somehow, you still think he deserves the glory.

You skip the song.

You park the car. 

You get inside your dorm.

You live your life.

[hwnglx]

this one was a little! harsh. again, please remember i'm entering other idols' energy and looking into their pov of hyunjin. this is a very subjective and superficial perspective.

hyunjin's reputation among idols

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

female idols

song: lost cause by billie eilish

their energy was crazy. i just casually started tearing up and getting weirdly sentimental while writing this, so.. definitely some strong emotion present here? also immediately thought of the song mentioned above. especially the “i used to think you were shy, but maybe you just had nothing on your mind. maybe you were thinking about yourself all the time.” line.

so, hyunjin's reputation among female idols doesn't look great persé. he's viewed as a guy who's likely to have flirted with anyone fitting his idea of attractive. a bit of a ladies' man, who for sure enjoys the ego-stroking that comes with female validation. he's great at these short but emotional flings, meaning in the moment he's great at deceiving and deluding people into him being serious about it. there is this huge perception of him just being kinda.. delusional and unrealistic, living in a dream world of his own and willingly wearing these rose-colored glasses. if hyunjin connects to you romantically, he's amazing at dragging you with him into that world. like dating (? or hooking up? energy is mostly physical with this perception of a shortlived emotional bond) with him can be a bit of a rollercoaster.. with an irresistible high, and the following disappointing low. definitely a certain addictiveness to it. he knows his powers and what he can do to people, how he can use them to his own advantage.

he's very good at appearing a certain way but being another. meaning he puts on this prince charming on a white horse act, but once you look beyond that, or you just get close enough to knowing his actual self, he's much more selfish and greedy for his own good, than you'd expect. many female idols have this view of him as someone who only enters connections in order to gain something for himself, mostly validation. he puts a lot of importance into superficial things, such as fame, popularity, reputation, image, money, power.. they think he struggles finding true emotional fulfilllment, doesn't really know what he sincerely needs and is disconnected to his inner voice. he therefore just goes on hopping from one person to another. pretty bad at committing to relationships. he's great at entertaining the idea of them, but doesn't live up to the idea in reality. he's very in or out, not always available. prone to ghosting people out of nowhere and not recognizing or not wanting to acknowledge the toxicity behind his actions.

he's not very self-aware in their eyes. he hates confronting or acknowledging certain realities and therefore runs away from them. like he just runs away from his problems essentially. doesn't take accountability for his actions. hyunjin is a bit like an immature and irresponsible child to them. he gets afraid to admit to his mistakes because he's scared to get hurt, or make himself appear weak or flawed. some of them think it's pathetic. (they're very harsh in their judgement for sure lol)

there are some female idols though, who view him as mysterious and intriguing, and very desirable too. they think he has a strong presence, and he has this aura to him that awakens your interest, makes you wonder who he truly is. i can sense he's probably someone who does most of the approaching (surprisingly straightforward and direct) but doesn't have many people actually approach him, since he doesn't have very accessible energy. there's a good portion of female idols just staring at him like 🫢😯 and whispering and gossiping. they look at him as this unapproachable guy full of mystery, someone they can't figure out.

male idols

so, male idols look at hyunjin in a lighter manner. opinions do seem to vary though.

he's someone who's also just kinda in and out in their eyes. like at one point, you'll be with him, enjoying his company and seeming like you became pretty close, in the next he'll just be gone and unreachable. he's someone unpredictable and moody to them, like you never really know what phase in life he'll be in. someone very sensitive and easily affected by external influences, who therefore naturally goes through many ups and downs in life. however, they think he doesn't really let people in when it comes to his internal world. he's good at the superficial connections, i can see him being a lot of fun at parties, but many male idols feel like they don't actually know him as well as they think.

however additionally, there is this perception of him being.. overly sensitive. like do not touch hyunjin when he's going through something. some male idols think he's way too easily stressed out about things, makes a big deal out of everything, constantly self-sabotages and creates himself problems when there's none. in their eyes, he's a bit of a pain in the ass in this way. like just unbearable. you won't get him to open up easily, but once he does, he'll probably puke all his concerns out in hours and overwhelm the hell out of the person he's with.

but i have to say, he has an immense amount of respect from his peers in a professional manner. many male idols think he's the stand-out member in stray kids. they think it's impressive how he's been able to pave himself a way and reputation of his own. a lot of approval and acknowledgement of his not only his abilities, but also his efforts career-wise. it's giving this role model among quite a few idols, especially rookies. i can tell there's this tendency for them to be in awe of group members who just stand out and have these main-character vibes among the rest. many of them would like to imitate hyunjin's career trajectory and are eager to reach a similar reputation professionally. he has this image of having fulfilled his dreams with his own efforts, probably because of them turning him into the main dancer of the group, rather than him being “born talented”. the professional applause for hyunjin is something that's for sure spread among the majority of male idols. his career is very commendable and praiseworthy in their eyes.

[that-dam-heartstopper-fan]

Welcome! You have found the madness of my blog. 

You can call me Darcy, Darce, Ash, Angel, or a nickname. I do not care (also if I tell you that my name is Angle, I meant Angel, I just can’t spell 😭)

I use she/her and they/them pronouns. I am a demigirl :)

I identify as asexual and panromantic and a burden

I reblog a lot, put random polls, and post random things about my life.

My other account: my oc: @a-poetic-apollo-kid

Lee Fletcher: @the-forgotten-apollo-kid

Naomi Solace: @best-country-singer

Naomi Solace for a closed rp for demigod’s mortal parents: @all-time-alt-country-singer

Cabin 7 ask blog: @cabin7-chaos

I created different Naomi blogs cause they are apart of two different closed rps, and I run the second one

how I run my blog:

Feel free to message me, i promise I’m nice, if you just want to talk or need to vent. I support everyone, (unless you’re a dick - homophobic, racist, sexist, etc) 

I use ‘girl’ ‘gurl’ ‘guys’ ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ as gender neutral terms, if you’re uncomfortable with it or sm just let me know :)

also I use <3 platonically, again let me know if you’re uncomfortable with it :)

Moots:

a list of my moots here lmk if you want to be added (as long as we are mutuals)

poll tag list if you want to be apart of my tag list for polls please comment on this to be apart of that

Things I follow: 

(There might be more tbh)

Heartstopper -Anything Alice Oseman | Good Omens | Young Royals | Red, White, and Royal Blue | Avatar the last air bender | Percy Jackson | Doctor Who (a bit-not really) | Anything gay/queer/LGBTQIA+ | Hamilton 

There’s more, I’m just forgetting lol 

I love music and books- please if you want to, send in recommendations.  music peoples I listen to:

Cavetown | Conan Gray | Baby Queen | Olivia Rodrigo | Wasia Project | Orla Gartland | Taylor Swift (a bit) | Beabadoobee | Girl in red | JVKE | Bailey Spinn | Alexander Steward | Au/Ra | Natalie Jane | PEGGY | Lauren Spencer Smith | Billie Eilish

(These people all have more than one song on my main playlist)

Tags: Darce has a question - for polls

Ash shares their vast knowledge - for asks

Angel shouts into the void - for vents

Darcy needs you to see this - for reblogs

rambling Darce - for rambling

Darcy has a lot to say - for my headcanons

I’m going to try my best to use these :)

Extra: I have a YouTube channel… I post edits/videos of heartstopper and Percy Jackson

picrew: here

I think that’s it, please be nice :)

I do it for the girls and the gays

(gays being anyone in the LGBTQIA+)

credits: thank you soooo much @bleep-bloop-boo for the name and @ ideas

Thank you @homocidalpotat for my tag names

[sp3ncerr31dsw1f3]

i love you

an: lol my first ever fanfic lmfao pls dont bully me and I'm sorry I'm making so many changes after proof reading (song: i love you by billie eilish)

warnings: mentions of blood, death and stabbing, i think that's it pls lemme know if i missed any!

pairing: spencer reid x f!reader

genre: angst with happy ending, fluff

It was like any other case. I do my part and the others do theirs. Or so I thought. I was hurt almost a month back from a stab wound to the side when I should've been paying attention. Spencer was on the way to warn me, but it was too late. I was laying in a pool of my own blood. I heard Spencer's name in an echo. I could't respond, on the verge of death. If he hadn't come in time, I probably would've been dead. Spencer and I had an argument before us coming on this case because today wasn't actually the day I was supposed to return. I actaually had one and a half weeks left, but of course, boy genius found out. We bickered about, but I ended up coming anyway and he didn't say a word to me the whole flight here, nor did he look at me.

Right now, we're on another life risking case. Trying to find a little girl and the man somewhere in the house hiding with her. Spencer along side of me, closer than he'd usually be before I got stabbed. He's trying to prevent what happened last time from happening again. I appreciate that, but if he ever got hurt, or worse, killed because of me being unattentive of my surroundings, I'd never be able to forgive myself. I shake off the thought when I hear a muffled scream and a man yelling 'shut up'. Instinctivley, Spencer moves in front of me. I hold my gun a bit to my waist, again, not the best idea. "Come out!", Spencer yells. "We're the FBI!", he yells out once again, turning towards me and nodding his head to where the sounds were coming from. I was thrown off by the fact that he didn't even look at me when he turned my way. He looked a bit past me, which kind of made me upset. I stand by the door with my back towards the wall as he kicks in the door. The man suddenly lets go of the small girl and charged towards Spencer and in that moment I froze. My fault. If he dies, It's all my fault. The man punched Spencer twice before I point my gun towards the man, but as I did, he saw me and immediately started charging toward me. Out of shock, remembering what happened to me last time, I drop. The man hovering me. I close my eyes tight, while he has a knife to my throat.

Once again, I hear Spencer's name, but loud and clear this time. My eyes shoot open and I use my free hand, which is close to the knife on my thigh and reach for it. I quickly stab the man in his leg repeatedly until he's off of me. Spencer immediately rushes over to the man and puts him in cuffs. He then comes over to me whose catching my breath that I held in and from the man's weight. "Are you okay?", he asks worriedly, scanning my body. I nod and point to where the little girl is, signaling him to help her first. I get up feeling a familiar pain where I was stabbed. I lift up my shirt only to see the stitching being opened. I pull it back down when I see Spencer carrying the little girl in his arms. I rush over to her. "Are you okay, sweet girl?", I ask the small girl. She nods and starts to cry. I tell Spencer to take her to Emily and I'll be there in a bit. Right after Spencer settles the girl with Emily, he immediately comes back to me with a worried expression. "Y/N...are you okay?", he asks coming closer. "It hurts, Spencer.", I say with tears in my eyes. I was talking both about the argument and the wound. I couldn't stand being on bad terms with Spencer. He was the love of my life, though he doesn't know that.

"What hurts, Y/N?", he asked, scanning my face, noticing I'm in both mental and physical pain. He then scans my body and spots the blood on the side of my shirt. "Oh God, did he do that?", he asked, his voice shaking. "Why didn't you just listen to your doctor and stay back?", he looks at me while holding the wound as it continuously bled. My legs are wobbling, not just from the pain, but the mental exaustion. He was right. I should've listened. I am not mentally nor physically ready yet. We get to the ambulance that was already outside. "Please help her.", Spencer says desperately to the medic. I get into the back of the second ambulance as Spencer informs the team what happened. I saw him open the back of the ambulance with me. "Hey, angel. We're gonna get you help, okay?", he says, wiping the tears off of my face. The exaustion soon took over and I passed out. I soon wake up in the hospital bed. The wound feeling a bit better. They restitched it. I turn to my side to see Spencer fast asleep with his head resting on the side of the bed. I weakly place my hands in his hair, which made him stir and slowly open his eyes.

"Hi, sweet girl. They brought you food.", he says. "Hi, Spence. You can have the jello", I smile at him. "Really?, Thank you.", he says exictedly, but he has tears in his eyes. "Angel?", he says. I hum in response. "Please, please listen to your doctor." he says pleadingly. "They're mostly always right.", he says holding his hand in mine. I smile and chuckle. "Yeah, I know.", I say reffering to him. He laughs along, but says in a trying to be serious tone, "No, but really, Y/N. I can't lose you. I almost did. Twice.", he pauses for a moment. "I love you, Y/N. So so much.", he says bringing my palm to his face. My heart skips a beat and my eyes well with tears, never expecting that from him. "I love you too, Spence.", I say with a shaky voice while brushing my thumb over his teary cheek. "So so much."

[simplydannie]

This may seem crazy but the outro of billie eilish's song "blue" makes me think of your au of floyd and the twins pls listen to it and see what you think (love your posts btw) !!!

Haii!!

First of all, thank you so much! It means a lot to me!

Secondly, I went ahead and listened to the song (since i had never heard it lol) and the feels it gave me. Of course Billie never fails to impress with her music ❤️ Listening to those lyrics really got me thinking that his is Floyd talking to twins, a really hopeless Floyd where he thinks they can’t be saved at all. This little story popped in my head while listening to that beautiful song:

Previous “The Betrayal”

One month….

It had been one month since Veneer trapped him inside this diamond that now served as his prison. One month of torture they were putting him through…But through all this, Floyd couldn’t help but feel it was all his fault.

He looked through the glass diamond at the twins…his twins. He looked at the pop crazed little demons they’ve become. Their glammed up hair, makeup, clothing. This isn’t them, he thought to himself. These weren’t his twins that he met and cared for. How in the world did he allow for this to happen? Why did he accuse them and think they were all part of this evil woman’s plan? Why did he go off on them like that?

Time and time again he tried to talk to them, try to speak reason. Velvet didn’t want to hear, she no longer cared for what he had to say. She didn’t even call him by his name anymore. All he was to her was the “Troll”. Veneer never spoke his name again either… “little guy”…That’s all he was. Why couldn’t they speak his name? Why couldn’t they call him what they once did? Floyd….Dad…It hurt him, he tried not to feel anything, but he couldn’t help it, it hurt because its as if those years with him never existed.

He tried to get pieces of conversations whenever Mistress was around…but it’s as if she knew he was listening. She dare not speak around him. It was one day, that the twins were rehearsing for a performance that broke him, yet, he was helpless, all he could do was watch.

“SLOPPY! THAT WAS SLOPPY!” Mistress yelled.

“Of course it was! We don’t have the Troll.” Velvet fought back.

“The Troll is only for performance. At least until you guys can get your hands on more. Veneer, what the hell? You’re lagging! You need to be EXACTLY like your sister. Other wise this whole perfect, twin illusion thing will fail!” She yelled.

“Uh, what do you think I’m trying to do?” He responded, “Besides I’m not my sister! We’re twins but we’re totally different. I have my own charisma, can’t I try doing that instead.”

“No! The main reason I contracted you two is not only because of your subspecies abilities, but you two are the only known Rageon twins. Do you know how much money that is making me?! You’re person, you’re look, it all depends on it. No one cares who the hell you really are! Your sister is the more charismatic one, so you follow her lead!”

“Yeah bro.” Velvet teased sticking out her tongue.

“From the top!”

Floyd watched as the Mistress over worked the twins, how she molded them. He did nothing to help back then, he really couldn’t do anything about it now. He saw how she shook her head and stomped her foot in anger…

“Dammit! No, no, no! Dammit Veneer!” She began to march up the stage.

“I did what you wanted me too. Not my fault I’m now as flexible as- AHHH!” Mistress smacked him clear across the face. Veneer retreated holding his cheek. Velvet stood there staring in bewilderment. All Floyd could do was stand up and bang against the diamond attempting to grab their attention, but he had no luck. Tears began to well up in Veneers eyes.

“Don’t you dare cry! Crying is for the weak! Study your sister’s movements to perfection. Remember you’re her exact copy. We’re done for the day.” She stormed off.

The twins just stood there staring after her, a distant look in their eyes, staring off into space as if zombified, “Guys?” Floyd called out. He knew he caught their attention, he saw the snap back in their eyes. Velvet side eyed him, a look of disgust on her face.

“Let’s go. Come on, let’s just get out of here. Let’s go while we can.” He said practically begging them.

Velvet sneered, “Who the hell do you think you are Troll?”

“Velvet…you have to be kidding me. You haven’t called me by my name in a while. It’s like you forgot who I was.”

“You’re our little tool to stardom. That’s it. Let’s go Ven.” She marched off. Veneer only spared a small glance at Floyd and went off after his sister, still holding his cheek where Mistress slapped him…

…They are really gone, aren’t they? There was no look of compassion or remembrance in any of their eyes. What they had was now just a dream, a ghost, and Floyd couldn’t help but feel that it was his fault. He should’ve spoken to them when he still could, when their hearts weren’t changed, when they weren’t under this, this “spell” that witch had them in. He didn’t know how could bring them back, or even if that was possible. Floyd fell to his knees inside the diamond bottle. Leaning his forehead against the diamond wall, tears began to fall as song began to rise in him…

“Born blameless…grew up famous too…I don't blame you…But I can't change you…Don't hate you…But we can't save you.” Tears fell form his eyes to the floor of the diamond, “I’m sorry guys…I failed you.”

[the-travelling-witch]

I hope this isn’t to Off topic, but in TWST any characters u like that u can see a song matching with? I wanna get into the fandom and characters and I think seeing what people think matches with them would be awesome :0

i’ll try my best but i’ve noticed i actually don’t have a good grasp on my playlists rn, i feel like i’m forgetting so many songs i could assign ㅠㅠ

i’ll write down what i can for now though and might add some songs later when they pop back into memory ^^; (also i’m trying not to put their respective disney songs in here)

night raven college

うっせぇわ - ado

i was just a kid - nothing but thieves

welcome to the dcc - nothing but thieves

start again - one ok rock

trouble’s coming - royal blood

social path - stray kids, lisa

house of memories - panic! at the disco

riddle rosehearts

queen of hearts - royal scandal (duh)

just like fire - p!nk

leona kingscholar

everybody wants to rule the world - lorde (idk i think this version fits better than the original)

bad romance - halestorm (same here)

you should see me in a crown - billie eilish

i was king - one ok rock

azul ashengrotto

venus fly trap - marina

greedy - or3o, swiblet (lol)

jade leech

song association 1 / song association 2

floyd leech

crazy = genius - panic! at the disco

silver screen - jonny t, foreign figures

crazy form - ateez

kalim al-asim

god of music - seventeen

sunkissed - khai dreams

jamil viper

daylight - david kushner

happy face - jagwar twin

vil schoenheit

oh no! - marina

classic - mkto

rook hunt

fulenn -alvan, ahez

idia shroud

威風堂々 - vivid bad squad

malleus draconia

the last of the real ones - fall out boy

lilia vanrouge

zukunft pink - peter fox

silver

a dream is a wish your heart makes - lily james

song association

[femboymilkovich]

me, doing a weekly tag wednesday, on a wednesday? wild

I was tagged by the cutie @spookygingerr to do this lil tag game ily ice thank youuuuuu

favourite nickname someone gave you: lmao Uncle Sasha by a friend in highschool

favourite thing in your room/house: my bed tbh, love a lie in, watching tv or reading in bed.

your favourite thing about a friend/partner/family member: oh jeez, my spouse, he's so accepting and funny! his brand of funny can sometimes go over peoples head, but im so used to it atp lol

what’s your favourite thing about this fandom?: oh my god how incredibly lovely everyone is. everyone is like a warm hug, just welcoming you in, this is the best fandom i think i have ever imbedded myself in. it has brought me immense joy being here

if one song could describe your day today, what would it be?: being funny? 7x10 got me like

being serious?

finally let’s spread some love

pick one of your pocket pals and tell them something you admire about them: just one? how rude. you cant make me pick just one, so instead im gonna use this as a way to tag some moots ehehehehe.

@mickittotheman mechy my beloved, i love how alike we are! i love that you :chompymickey: me every morning and make sure I take my meds thank you for always making my day brighter!

@thepupperino KEELY, i love our gif/scene analyzing conversations, i love how incredibly sweet you are, i love that you tag me for every new chapter of Sinner you are such a light. Love you mean it!

@heymacy macy you sweet lil bean, i love your commentary on literally everything your brain is just, impeccable. so excited for your Astrology 101 class, and meeting you next month!!!

@gallapiech pie you beautiful bastard ive said it a million times but your art kills me every time it graces my eyeballs. i mean you got your own art tag because i love it so much who said that i will never recover from the way you draw mickey ahhhhhhhhhhh. i love you even though we cant trust a word that comes out of your mouth lmaoooo but its incredibly endearing anyway. excitedly awaiting my lil mickey charm to put on my keys so i can take him everywhere with me<3333333

okay okay more tags under the cut if you want to play along, if you havent already done this lol!

@iansw0rld @jademickian @callivich @catgrassplantdad @mybrainismelted

@vintagelacerosette @blue-disco-lights @heymrspatel @solitarycreaturesthey @jrooc

@crossmydna @deathclassic @transmickey @rayrayor @atthedugouts

@deedala @michellemisfit @transmurderbug @bawlbrayker @lee-ow

@stocious @transsexual-dandelions @ms-moonlight-inn @roryonic @pookiebearmick

[hotdamnhunnam]

rules: put your music library on shuffle, then list the first five songs that come up in a poll to let people vote for their favorite!

Thank you both so much for tagging me @whatever-lmaoo and @steviebbboi 🤗🤗

I put my Frontier of Anarchy fic playlist on shuffle for this, since I’ve been listening to it a lot lately to reminisce 🥰🎶

I know I broke the rules and listed six songs rather than five lol, but I just LOVE them all!!!!!!

No pressure tags 💕💕💕 @laurfilijames @daryldixonpls @mrs-hardy-hunnam-butler @songsforthesaints @daisydamed @rayslittlekitten @deathbecomesnerds @youflickedtooharddamnit @navybrat817 @red-orchid @persephone411 @charliehoennam @thedreadandthefugitivemind

+ anyone else who wants to join! ✨✨✨

[rebtrovert-girl]

Celebratory Note: Drunken Honesty

As this story has come to an end, I feel like talking about it a little more since this is my first mid-length fic, made with adapting the story into a modern one, and tbh the first ever long story I manage to finish (for real, I've been writing for as long as I can remember and I have soooooo many drafts, not just about LawBin but other real manuscript but I never manage to finish anything) so this one deserved to be celebrate and talked about by me :D Or, really, I just wanna babbling it out even without any excuse.

Honestly I used to dislike a modernized fanfic of something that was originally set in their own universe. When I first thought of this idea I kinda thought to myself: what the hell???? Very naive if you ask me. Look where I land now, I love writing this so freaking much!

I didn't plan to name each chapter with anything or even idioms at first. It was done because I've been listening to Billie Eilish- Birds of a Feather a lot when I wrote the first chapter and I started to envision the ending with that song. I just knew I needed to name the last chapter with it, or at least I have to kinda insert the song in the last scene. I ended up naming every chapter with idioms just so I can use Birds of a Feathers in the last one. But that somehow helps me a lot in putting the plot point and what I want to have in every chapter neatly. Like in chapter 1: Cat Out of The Bag focus on Robin spilling her secret, and in chapter 2: Beat Around the Bush was used literally in their first meet and figuratively to describe Law's reaction for her confession which is trying to hide from it.

The making of Last Chapter: Birds of a Feather is really the hardest not just because I was in the middle of rushing my assignment that I need to redo, but I also rewrite it three times from the beginning LOL. The thing with me is, when I feel very stuck on some part I just know that something isnt right from the beginning so I will definitely rewrite it :D. I got very stuck on the first two versions and I finally let it be for a few days before I start again. Although the reunion scene was envisioned since the first time I wrote this and as I listen to the song, the build up to that scene was never determined and thats my real headache. I still have doubt about how it turn out even as I post it, but what matters to me was I did manage to finish it the way I want it.

As a non-English speaker, naming each chapter with idioms is a huge deal and has become one of the most fun parts for me. It's huge because I need to find the one that fits the most to describe what happened in the chapter, thus I get to read a lot of idioms and I learn a lot along the way. Definitely a fun excuse to learn more English!

I'm not really a Sannami shipper but I ended up inserting them in addition to Saboala because I want both Robin and Law to have a reflection of how a friends to lovers relationship could be. That's also why I randomly put Law and Sabo together as roommates even though they have almost zero interaction in the canon world. I know in fanfic, writers have the freedom to write characters however they want to, but I don't actually like steering too far from canon. Chapter 3: Greener Grass is the second title I found and I knew all along I want to have these two other ships mentioned in here.

Aside from LawBin, my second ship in OP is indeed Saboala and I've been wanting and trying to write about them for some time. I had drafts of their stories in my file to which I was never able to finish. Their little inclusion in this story is an excuse and open door for me if maaayyyybbbbeeeee I wanna attempt to tackle a sequel/spin-off of this that focused on their story one day (who knows?????)

The story was originally planned to be done in 6 chapters. I had to improvise a bit when I wrote Chapter 4: Skeletons in The Closet that was never part of my plan. In the original idea, Cora and the part where Robin realizes what she did when she was drunk are supposed to be in chapter 3. But as I said in that chapter's note, something came up (real life happened) and I wasn't able to write for a week. If I continue to follow the original plan, chapter 3 would be pushed for another week and it makes me weary. So on a whim I decided to divide the chapter into two, with chapter 3 just focusing on the couple reflecting their relationship with others, and chapter 4 with the revelation of what has been done since the first chapter. I went into a frenzy when I uploaded chapter 3 because I felt bad for not following my original plan. You guys have no idea how grateful I am for the feedback you gave and it push me forward on writing more :D

I have thought about actually writing some smut here in the middle of writing this but then I scratch the idea because; first, I've never write a smut before so I think I still need some practice(?) and second, as much as I like for the two to get hot and down to business, I've never plan on it initially. Mood wise, I feel like it'd be a little forced if I suddenly insert something too sexual. Maybe I'll do that some other time with different stories (?????)

Chapter 5- Down the Rabbit Hole, where Sabo somehow become the MVP was coincidentally came out at the same time as eps 1116 release, which was when Sabo come back to the anime for Reverie arc. It was pure coincidence but a really nice one and I want to keep remembering it!

In writing, there is this saying: Kill your darlings, which means to eliminate the overuse of favorite characters or tropes to cut the unnecessary part. In one of the writing courses I took years ago, they also explain this as a way to not include too many unimportant details, such as a character that doesn't do much to the story and doesn't need to be explained in detail. Again, my take as this piece is a fanfic, I took the liberty to have as much fun as I could with every character I could add to the story. Like Doflamingo, yeah this psychopath has no business whatsoever to be in this light hearted romcom story of Law and Robin. But I wanna have fun with him and my only reason for including him is only so I can write him say in another world he'd die in Luffy's hand (I love irony). That's also why I make them neighbours. It's unimportant but it's fun. The characters might be Oda's but the universe of this story is mine so I'll do as I like it. But in the end, I still tried to limit this thing so the story didn't snowball too big. I hate to add more chapters haha

Saul and Cora's inclusion here is my second favorite take. I just know if I want to write something that can assure Law and Robin did have a good childhood, these two characters need to exist in their story. And I just feel so proud to come up with this two quotes for them:

You are my daughter but you are always going to be a Nico- Saul I bet on your happiness- Cora

I know it's just me being overdramatic (like this whole post is) but I'm proud because it feels like the kind of thing their characters would even say in canon :D

12. I do have some ideas for bonus chapter (!!!!!) but nothing has been written yet and I dont want to make empty promises anymore so for now lets just save it as a surprise when it did happen one day

I think I've talked enough. I write this purely because I want to have this story, but I'm glad to know that there are people who can enjoy it as much. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much <3 Honestly when I first started writing LawBin I thought it was just going to be a one time thing, but look at me now! I don't know how long I will be able to write them and have fun with everyone before real life consumes me; but in this moment and time, I feel so grateful that I could share the same joy of having fun from what I like with people who have the same favorites. Cheers to all of us, and hopefully I can greet you with a new story soon! (Idea is always there, I do have my own draft list too, the problem is always the same: TIME)

Full chapter of Drunken Honesty by me (chilldeokjil) is now on AO3!

[flamemittens]

10 Songs Tag Game

Thank you for the tag @sky-kiss!

Here are 10 songs from my recently played playlist on Spotify. I will also put them under a cut, because damn, Tumblr (apart from the first one, it deserves the spotlight lol).

Apologies if you've been tagged already and I missed it, but no pressure tags for @unreadpoppy, @timesthatneverwere, @sassyandsodone, @defira85 and @littleplasticrat.

[viktheviking1]

🎶✨when you get this, put 5 songs you actually listen to, then publish. Send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers/ mutuals (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) ✨🎶

Calpol by Cavetown

Happier than ever Billie Eilish

Fever dream by Mxmtoon

Make of it by half.alive

Linger by Cranberries

The Fall by half.alive

Float on by Modest Mouse

(Have some bonus ones lol)

@vaggatha @simpingforvaggie @enbydemirainbowbigfoot @nonbinasaur @sinnawii @katyasair @fizzarolli-and-aes @fizz666ozzie

@blanessa @deathquill150 @eli-artemisia @sweet-marigold

@cosmicwhoresimpingismyliving @lolathesmol @lunashopone @loonyt00n13 @4ngeloflight @ask-spiderpool @astermagne @azulbun @moothemotherfucker @dead-dog-dont-eat @hazbin-hotel-screencaps @cerebrusdean @cervidae-demon @soupsstan1 @oscillation-onthe-brain @the-mother-fucker-herself444 @the-knolastname-family676 @the-delightful-temptation @miyakuli @miniatureluminarytaco @mikenia2005 @hissing-head-honcho @hisxloversblog @artflood @notsosecrethelluvahazbinblog @lil-doodle-bug @nottapossum

@knightfire

[grapehyasynth]

rules: put your "on repeat" playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 songs

tagged by @piggyinparadise

I did this recently but did it with my entire library instead of my On Repeat so here I'll do it properly lol

we can't be friends (wait for your love) - Ariana Grande

BIRDS OF A FEATHER - Billie Eilish

Red Light - Omar Rudberg

Talk - Omar Rudberg

Better Now (Acoustic) - CLOVES

Stockholmsvy - Hannes, waterbaby

All Through the Night - Anna Nalick

I Love It - Icona Pop, Charli XCX

Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith

Nån annan nu - Molly Sandén

Tagging some folks from my recent notifications: @omarmix @silvagrey @book-and-music-lover @allthefakepeople @stretchoutfics

[sleepi-toasti]

WOWZERS! stuff for a new madagascar au that ✨ ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ASKED FOR ✨ /j

i have to stop making AUs bruh

THE SINGER-SONGWRITER AU

i only got melman and gloria so far

but have lore (if you wanna read it) bc yesyesyes

melman's music is depressing and focuses on romance and his traumas. Comparable to twenty one pilots, Ed Sheeran, and Billie Eilish. he's dressed up as his hit album, "Trainwreck" (on the album cover, melman has a harpoon through his chest and he got rainbow bl00d all over him but i didn't feel like putting that in the gacha character bc i gotta be FAMILY FRIENDLY)

gloria's music is loud, more pop-like, and centered around her being her own woman. Comparable to Nicki Minaj, Taylor Swift, and Katy Perry. she's dressed up as her hit album, "Girl With a Gun" (that's why she got a pew-pew machine in her hand lol)

side note: trainwreck and girl with a gun were released in the same year

they eventually meet up, hang out w each other, fall in love w each other, and make a lore w their albums

their next albums (after trainwreck and girl with a gun) swaps each other's music styles. melman's new album (stickers) is very upbeat and most of the songs are about the happier side of his childhood. but gloria's new album (still debating a name for it) is kinda sad and some of the songs mentions some really bad stuff that happened to her when she was a teenager

after those albums, their first collab album (spectrum) comes along. this album basically explains the lore that they created and starts dropping hints that they love each other

after that album, they go back to making their own albums, and with their original music styles.

but after a year, they have ANOTHER collab album. this one is called "Lost" and IT'S ABOUT THEM DATING YEAHHHHHHH

----

silly bonus under the cut: