#put any tag i know cause why not

[outofrealms]

Isekai’d as the Demon King’s Therapist

Chapter 1: I Was Just Getting Coffee, and Now I’m a Therapist for a Demon King?!

Synopsis: One minute, I’m fighting a vending machine for coffee. The next, I’m the therapist for Zarvath, the Demon King who’s one bad day away from obliterating the realm. His mental health’s a mess, and I’ve got nothing but my psych degree and questionable life choices to fix it. No pressure, right?

It all started with a vending machine.

Not some magical, glowing vending machine that dispensed ancient relics or cursed snacks. Nope. This was the regular, broken vending machine in the breakroom at work, the one that seemed to have a personal vendetta against me.

I just wanted a cup of coffee. One measly coffee to help me survive another session with a client who swore Mercury in retrograde was the reason her life was falling apart. I was dangerously low on caffeine, and without it, I was one minor inconvenience away from shouting at inanimate objects like she did.

But the vending machine had other plans.

It ate my dollar. Then, just for fun, it ate my life.

I gave it a light smack. Nothing violent. I’m not a monster. Just a small “I’m watching you” kind of tap.

That’s when the vending machine decided to electrocute me.

There was a bright flash of light, a weird sound like a thousand cats sneezing at once, and then….nothing.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a throne room.

I lay flat on a cold, black floor, staring up at a ceiling covered in glowing runes and what I really, really hoped were fake skulls. Around me were creatures straight out of a heavy metal album cover, demons with horns, glowing eyes, and questionable fashion choices.

In front of me sat a seven-foot-tall demon with glowing red eyes and a crown made of actual fire. He was lounging on a massive black throne, sipping something from a skull-shaped goblet like this was just another Tuesday.

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re the one?”

The one what?!

I sat up slowly, still trying to process the fact that I was very much not in my office anymore. My first thought? Hallucination. Second thought? Maybe I’m dead, and this is some weird afterlife punishment for all the times I lied about liking kale.

“Answer me, mortal!” the demon barked. “Are you the legendary mind healer we summoned?”

Legendary mind healer? Was he talking about a therapist? Did I just get isekai’d to be a demon king’s therapist?!

“Uh… yeah. Sure. That’s me,” I said, adopting the time-honored strategy of when in doubt, agree.

The demon who I later learned was Zarvath, the Demon King of Darkness leaned forward, his eyes glowing brighter. “Excellent. My armies may be unstoppable, but my mental health is… fragile.”

Oh. My. God.

One of the demons, a nervous little imp cleared his throat. “Lord Zarvath, we were supposed to summon the most powerful mind healer in all the realms. Are you sure we got the right one?”

Zarvath frowned. “Do you doubt my summoning rituals?”

The imp shook his head so fast I thought it might fly off. “N-no, of course not! But… they don’t look very powerful.”

Rude. I may not look like much, but I’ve survived family holiday dinners, passive-aggressive coworker emails, and clients who believe crystals can cure broken bones. I’m tougher than I look.

“I may not have magic,” I said, crossing my arms, “but I’ve got a master’s degree in psychology and plenty of experience dealing with difficult people. You want therapy? I’m your person.”

Zarvath tilted his head. “Master’s degree? In… psychology?”

“Yeah. It’s a degree that qualifies me to help people process their emotions, manage stress, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.”

Zarvath narrowed his eyes. “So… it’s a form of magic?”

“Not exactly. It’s more like… mental training. But instead of using spells, I help you talk through your feelings and reframe your negative thoughts.”

Zarvath crossed his arms. “Sounds like sorcery to me.”

The imp leaned closer to Zarvath, whispering loudly enough for me to hear, “Master, perhaps it’s some kind of mind enchantment?”

“It’s not enchantment! It’s cognitive behavioral therapy!” I said. “There’s science behind it!”

Zarvath nodded slowly, stroking his chin. “Hmph. Whatever it is, if it can stop me from obliterating the next hero I meet just because they irritate me, I’m willing to try.”

He leaned back on his throne, considering me carefully. “Very well. Prove your worth.”

And that’s how I found myself sitting on a demon-sized couch, preparing to give my first therapy session to the Demon King of Darkness.

I wasn’t sure how I got here, or how I was supposed to survive in this world… but one thing was clear: this Demon King needed serious help. And if I played my cards right, I might just live long enough to give it to him.

[dreamsicle262]

if the reading comprehension of some people who do make dead plate text posts is so bad (as i've had at least two people tell me in the tags) then maybe i SHOULD start analyzing every little detail in the game.

[dervampireprince]

I just rewatched moonknight and your audios are literally the only thing keeping me alive in that somewhat dead fandom THANK YOU 😭😭🙏

i do feel adrift making moon knight stuff still so thank you

[james-spooky]

this is a test

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

also wait random ass poll out of curiosity cause ive been thinking abt it lately

(to be clear im not talking about other silly nicknames like "church boy" or whatever as much as i love those lol, i'm talking strictly in the sense of shortening his original name)

[im-still-watching-anime]

one piece is crazy fr like what do you mean you’re following up Everyone’s Dead™️ with Objectifying Women: The Arc™️

[skyburger]

venn diagram of these guys

[legolasghosty]

So. About a year ago, the lovely Innytoes created a list of spicy writing prompts. And I, being the dorky ace that I am, decided to take it as a personal challenge to see just how UN-spicy I could do some of said prompts. The actual giving of prompts was kept to a few friends, and it was mostly a silly thing back when I could actually sit down and spin up a one shot in an evening. (A few of said prompts actually made it to ao3 at various points, you can read them here, here, here, and here!)

HOWEVER, I took a couple of the prompts off of the list before I offered it to my friends for prompts. Mostly cause I just had no idea how to make said prompts not sexual. But one of them has continued to haunt me for over a frigging year now! SO, here's some little snippets of how one could de-saucy-ify the prompt, "The lube is what flavor?"

Option 1 -

"Okay so what am I supposed to be getting again?" Alex asked, the phone to his ear as he entered the O'Reillys.

He heard Bobby groan on the other end of the call. "We've been over this at least five times, Lex." Alex could feel his exasperated glare without even seeing him.

"I'm sorry," Alex sighed. "I just know literally nothing about car fluids. Blame the gay in me or whatever."

"You do realize I'm gay too, right?" Bobby pointed out. "But again, you're looking for silicon lubricant. And for the love of God, don't get that Red and Tacky garbage Chad 'recommended'."

"I'm sorry, the lube is what flavor?!" Alex demanded, turning onto the aisle marked 'Fluids'.

"You're not supposed to-whatever-just get the silicon stuff," Bobby said instead of answering. "Valvoline usually works just fine."

Alex glanced around at the overwhelming shelves of bottles and jugs. He drummed out the beat to a song Luke and Julie had shown them the day before on his leg as he narrowed down the options. There, that looked right.

"Okay I found it," he told Bobby. "But you're explaining how car lube can be 'red and tacky' to me later."

"Deal," Bobby responded, sounding relieved.

Option 2 -

"-and the vocal folds need to be kept moist," Julie explained.

Luke nodded, but Julie knew she was losing him. His vocal health notes had dissolved into scribbles and half-finished lyrics. She'd better wrap this up.

"So they're naturally lubricated with a really thin layer of mucus," she continued. "And in order to keep that layer thin and stuff, you have to stay properly hydrated."

She paused to pick up the light blue plastic water bottle from the studio floor. But when she looked back up to whack him with it, the mostly full container seeming like a decent way to make a point, he was already staring at her, eyes full of confusion.

"What?" Julie asked, one hand flying automatically up to her ponytail to see if it had come loose or something.

"The lube is what flavor?" Luke asked, mouth hanging open a bit.

"I-what?" Julie asked again, now feeling almost as confused as her bandmate looked.

"The voice cord lube stuff," Luke responded. "You said it's like mucus. But isn't that just... snot? Your voice is covered in stuff that tastes like snot?!"

Julie tried to hold back. She really did. But she failed. She burst out laughing, dropping Luke's water bottle in a futile attempt to hide it. "Luke, mucus is more than just snot," she tried to explain through her giggles. "But yes, that's what keeps your vocal cords moist."

Luke shook his head. To all the world, he may have looked like a man who'd just been told he was colorblind, that everyone else could see a universe of shades his eyes couldn't comprehend.

But only Julie would know the truth. At least some part of her mini-lecture on vocal health got through.

Option 3 -

"Okay, and then pass me the 205?" Flynn requested, holding out a hand to Reggie, who was sitting on the floor along with most of Flynn's tools.

"Um, the what?" Reggie asked sheepishly, glancing around at the various brushes, screwdrivers, and small tubes surrounding him.

"Oh, the switch lube," Flynn clarified, pointing at a small jar. "It's GPL 205G0, and there's lots of types of keyboard lubricant, so we usually just use the numbers to ID them."

"Oh, right, sure," Reggie responded, passing her the container. "Sorry. Computers aren't really my thing."

"Well that's what you have me for," Flynn pointed out, smirking. "I fix your glitchy keyboard, you keep me from failing math."

Reggie laughed and leaned back against Flynn's bed while she worked. After a minute, she passed him back the jar and started fitting the keys back into place. He entertained himself by inspecting the black lid.

"Wait, so the lube is what flavor?" he asked, looking up at Flynn again. "Da-vinny-key?"

"Divinikey," Flynn corrected easily. "And that's a brand, not a flavor. Please don't eat keyboard lubricant."

"Well I wasn't planning on it..." Reggie said, letting his sentence trail off suggestively.

"Reginald Jacob Peters, you wouldn't dare," Flynn warned, shooting him a glare over her shoulder.

He held her eyes for one moment. Two. Three. Fo-

Reggie burst out laughing, with Flynn only a moment behind.

"I make no promises," Reggie wheezed as he got his breath back.

"I'm not taking you to the hospital when it poisons you," Flynn shot back, her grin betraying her words.

Thank goodness Reggie's keyboard was done already.

Thank you, sorry for wasting your time with my brain worm!

[sadgirlautumn]

I’m currently very upset about the American healthcare system. Like I hope they know that they are making people actively sicker 🫶

[no1ryomafan]

One more semi umbraclaw related thought for tonight-mainly cause I haven’t played since last post yes this dawned on me-but you know what I realized? Despite the fact my currents thoughts are “this is game is neat but there’s definitely some weird design choices made” it made me realized why platformers are like the genre of games I can always play and commit to: They actively encourage you to keep trying and figure out how to play right even with all the bullshit they throw at you. A lot of games do this yet there’s something specifically more appealing about this to platformers cause it’s down to learning to navigate stages. Other games its usually just fighting whatever in your way but here its that but with terrain being your main obstacle. And also just the fact platformers are short enough games to keep my attention span LOL but also prove to be more replayable for these reasons, cause it’s short AND the more you play the better you get.

[medicinemane]

Honestly a lot of the time, it's not even about people having to agree with me, it's about needing to know that they actually heard and listened to what I had to say even if it didn't persuade them

Just... some basic indication that there's enough respect to give a shit about what I said, and also to make sure that they disagree because they actually disagree and not cause they just didn't bother listening

It's all I really ask

[bibleofficial]

i dream of being able to go get a couples massage but instead of w the love of my life it’s w my colon & she finally gets what the FUCK has been WRONG w her WORKED out 😭🙄

[chiistarri]

what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group

[willlmesh]

cant even pirate project mirai fuck this stupid baka life

[catgirlkirigiri]

a vivisection of me yielded the start of a mystery

[flyingspicerack]

Im sorry everyone, its him its one of the muppets im into,,, it got way too deep way too fast

I got into ososan back in like 2016 for a little bit and kinda liked totty but i decided to give it another go and... I kinda fell fast and hard for ichimatsu

So forgive me while im in it for a moment