#probably delusions but idk
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Learning more about how elections actually work and how Trump won 2016 has gotten me thinking. All I can think is how satisfying, how poetic, how karmic it would be if Trump were to loose 2024 as he won 2016; thanks to the popular vote.
#Is it likely?#Absolutely not#It isn't impossible tho#especially since it did happen in 2016#But I'm still preparing for a Trump presidency#Something in my gut tells me something isn't right#The energy in the universe has been so weird lately#Apparently there's been some weird astrological events happening#We have two fucking moons right now#Mini moon is still in orbit for a few more days right?#The hurricanes that have been hitting us are more weird than they have ever been#And call me paranoid or a conspiracy theorist but something does not feel right about this election#Something does not feel right about a highly qualified candidate loosing to a felon game show host#I cannot believe America hates women so much that a felon is favored over a highly qualified woman#I mean I can#America really fucking hates women#But this still doesn't feel right#There's something in the air something in the energy in the whole planet that's incredibly off#Something is wrong#Maybe not with the election results#although I do think something is wrong with those in my gut#but something somewhere in the universe is off and I don't know what#And all I can think is how karmic Trump loosing to the electoral college would be#There's something in me#probably delusions but idk#that keeps thinking “this will happen”#“This was meant to happen”#“the universe is teaching Trump a lesson by having him loose as he once won”#I know this is more of an empty hope#But I will cling onto hope until the last breath I take
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trying to figure out cadash’s implied role in the carta. cadash should be a serious name, it was once a warrior caste house and is described as a “ruthless crime family”, suggesting a certain level of power currently. but inquisitor cadash specifically is talking about being on the... front lines, if you will? doing the grunt work. even the peaceful option for their backstory to josie is that they were doing simple, boring smuggling work, and the other replies suggest they were in the middle of the violence. they’re not one of the bosses at the table, they have bosses coming after them because they think cadash made off with the cargo (suggesting cadash running for cash and/or a way out at the first opportunity is believable)
#ive thought abt all this before im just considering the ways i can take it for my current little lady#i definitely think she plays it off with lines like ‘a dashing rogue at the edge of the law! 😘’#and the reality is just gritty and humiliating#these really are the best times she’s ever had. and that’s why it’s giving her religious delusions of grandeur probably#i gave her a really nice hair and it makes her pretty in a slightly glamorous and at least well-kept way#which is at odds with this kind of but interestingly. i wonder if she’s a young widow or a discarded mistress or something#idk im brainstorming here
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Love just making up whatever features I think would be interesting (or useful) and putting them into my r99 ocs’ kits, cuz they’re not even that unrealistic anymore
Like I can make them kinda broken by giving on of them the ability to alter battle mechanics (a feature from Pristine’s kit), and I don’t think it’d be that far off (especially for a limited character, which she’s supposed to be)
Anyways, we really, and I mean really need a character with a special buff that can give an ally the ability to crit overflow. Like pls istg, AUGHH SHES ONLY AN OC I can’t just keep coping like this. We need NEED a CANON character with a buff like that, or at least a psychube that does that or I won’t be WELLLL
#it might just be my me problem of feeling the strong ass need to make ocs that feel authentic to the media they’re made for#like they’d fit in without seeming too oc-like#idk what’s wrong with me goddamn#this is probably not as big of a deal to y’all#but still#powercreep is bad but at least I get some creative wiggle room for my escapism and delusions bcuz of it#I’m still afraid of making them too op tho#so it is what it is#just me and my brain juices#r1999 oc
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wouldn’t it be insane if pt were real and one day trump just started bawling out apologies at one of his rallies
#wat would trump’s palace be…hmm…location would fs be white house but wb the distortion…#i think it would be along the lines of a bunker tbh. like super impenetrable yk…hmm…or like a playboy mansion but that’s too similar to kamo#shida yk#lol idk but this is how i remain not pessimistic to the fact that he is probably going to win. Delusion .#persona 5#the phantom thieves
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not sure if this counts as an AU but.. thinking about the Per Aspera crew as horror game bosses like.. you are wandering through a forested mountain range and you know somethings wrong because the forest shouldn't be this eerily silent, this devoid of life, and then you hear the crash of falling trees and there is a hand that is half your size glowing golden in the night and it is grabbing you and its claws are digging into your flesh and you see the spines running down the golden arm that is far too long as it lifts you over a crater in mountain, over a coiled, serpentine thing with a visage that is not of this world, and if you look closely you can see the shape of a child curled at the centre of the thing, golden hair reflecting the glow of the creature and if you listen closely you can hear her sobbing, 'Don't hurt me, I don't want to do this'. you are sailing through the astral sea when you see an ephemeral, resplendent spelljammer cutting through the starry waters and you rejoice because you have been lost on the seas for so so long, so you board the ship looking for help, supplies, anything, and you are greeted by a blue fire genasi (you wonder, do those even exist? but you can't get off the ship now because where else will you go?) and she tells you she is the captain of this ship but as far as you can tell there is no crew on board, and if she is not appearing right behind you from a trapdoor you've never noticed she is always in the engine room 'fixing the ship' even though the ship seems to be sailing perfectly fine ('Where are we going?' you ask her once and she doesn't even turn to look at you, 'Don't worry about it') and if you are ever so unlucky as to damage the ship in any way, you begin to catch flashes of red and orange out of the corner of your eye, a fire genasi wearing the woman's face who whispers at you with hollow, angry eyes 'Don't you fucking dare hurt my ship'. you are sailing through the astral sea when you see a rotting, decaying spelljammer, so badly damaged it's barely moving although you have to wonder how it's even staying afloat at all, and out of some morbid curiosity you climb on board and the deck of the ship is in no better shape than the hull, the marks of hard-fought battle - scars in the wood from sharp blades and arcane energies, stains of blood and oil splattered about - still fresh but you know time doesn't pass on the astral sea so who knows how long ago this all took place, and as you climb below decks you start to notice the writings on the walls, pieces of parchment nailed to every surface and connected with fraying, rotting threads, or words etched directly into the wood, the deep gouges barely readable, and you start to hear the creaking and clanking of rusted machinery slowly moving about and you turn a corner to see a figure standing in a room facing the wall, slowly scratching yet more of that unintelligible writing into the bones of the ship, and it turns as the rusted dented mechanite stares at you with eyes ablaze and he asks 'Who are you? Where is my crew?' as sparks of arcane lightning begins to arc through the room. you are running through a feywild forest and you know, even without the figure chasing you, that you have made a horrible mistake, you should have known better, should have been more careful, should have kept your impulses in check, and now you are being chased through an unfamiliar forest and the figure, the Hunter pursuing you knows this realm like the back of his hand, knows every tree and shrub and vine that is slithering up to grasp at your ankles, and you glance back desperately to catch any glimpse of your pursuer but there is no pursuer, he has hidden himself with some arcane trick or some innate power or just the knowledge that this realm is his home, and you hear his voice even though you cannot see him as he cries out 'You should not have hurt my family. Prepare to face the Hunter of Hundkiln'
sorry no Vhas yet maybe I'll update with one for him once we get more of his whole deal
#rolling with difficulty#asto speaks#well i lied only kyana's and finbar's really work as video game bossfights#dani's is more... horror short story? vr-la's is horror comic#bc dani's much more psychological and the environmental storytelling of vr-la's one would be pretty interesting.. probably#in hindsight vr-la's reads like it could be a magnus archive entry LMAO#contrary to whatever you may think (especially if youre in the discord) i dont actually like most horror#like i've only listened to abt ~10 episodes of tma bc it started fucking up my sleep thats how much of a wuss i am#like i dont actually *enjoy* horror but idk i had so much fun writing this. for some reason#hell i dont even enjoy *writing* most of the time#all the others are kinda based on a specific scenario like kyana's is if she never left the cenobium and suvi snapped before she did#(if you've watched/read jjk0 video game bossfight suvi is very much just orimoto rika)#vr-la's and finbar's are pretty self evident#dani's is kinda.. inspired by alfonso of the stultifera navis making this my second rwd brainworm that's just an arknights reference#captains that are cursed to haunt their empty ships plagued with has beens and could have beens#(her one is the only one absolutely not meant to be read as literal btw its a very 'that house has been empty for 40 years' kinda vibe)#found it kinda funny that dani's and vrla's start in very similar ways bc they both kinda have that i am the ship and the ship is me thing#dani's vibe in this is just more illusions and delusions and vrla's is more decaying forgotten grief#a ghost of a mechanite haunting a corpse of a ship
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Thinking about Karamatsu/Nozomi whole looking through some web weavings, and if I ever write something for them (currently in the phase of trying to come up with key events and organise them chronologically so it makes sense, thematically) I think I'd like this to be one of the take aways
In the event of a bad ending (dunno if I'm strong enough for that though 🫠 SHE CAN CHANGE HIM WITHOUT DYING im better than that), I hope that Karamatsu still finds it in himself to stop being so passive about his life. Like,
To stop waiting for the perfect moment or the perfect answer to dawn on him, and instead take life by reins and... Just start being an active participant in his own life. To embrace self-determination and the risk of committing to something that may not pan out but still forces you to take conscious and mindful action every day.
#nozomi takahashi#karamatsu#karanozo#thinking about what the sextuplets (say they) want out of life vs. what they do to achieve it vs. whats holding them back#you have cybermatsu who are the most driven/ambitious but where one is held back by anxiety/the delusion that thinking about being responsi#is the same as actually being responsible (i mean. i get it lol) the other one is held back by trying to cheat the system bcs he thinks he'#too smart for hardwork + the apprehension that if he earns something it may be disrupted by his family dynamic which is HEARTBREAKING#then parka who dont show much ambition and i think they embrace the mindset of not wanting more than they currently have#whilst ignoring the discomfort this creates. and i like to think Osomatsu is stressed by the knowledge that as the eldest he SHOULD be#striving for more no matter how much change scares him (sick dad skit + nyachan skit) whils Ichimatsu just has such a low image of himself#he probably thinks back to how hard he had to try I'm HS and gets discourage yet also ignores the successes he's had#(hc but i like to think everyone thought he and choro would be the most well adapted and traditionally functional members of society but it#didn't pan out. in Choro's case because he wasn't as good as he thought he was and in Ichimatsu's because realising that he'd have to mask#forever kept him from trying)#and then. kinniku. and I'm thinking how they're the two with the most obvious passions (the arts + sports) and how they're visibly#skilled (Kara) and talented (Jyushi) and Karamatsu even mentions in S1 that he tried to become an actor but gave up and Jyushi says he's#never actually played an official baseball match prior to the S1 finale and I go insane thinking that they also tried in their own way to#pursue less traditional passions but they were always held back until they allowed the passions to become an scape and a distraction#idk why i wrote all of this it's not actually that related to the post. like i would try to explore that hc in a fic but???#something possessed me lol. but it's written so y'all take it. ANYWAYS#rambles
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heres the real truth i never wanna admit to anyone ok: the real reason im so afraid all the time is i know i will never ever manage to hold down a normal job. i know im too disabled for it. and i dont want to. and i want to stay like this forever. i dont want more. i want to remain in this apartment and get my disability checks and do a little art and a little writing and have time to hang out with friends. i want that for the rest of my life. if that was ok then i would be ok. but i can never admit that because if i say that then i will be taken off disability and labelled a faker. because everyone thinks i can get better or its not that bad. even my doctor. but it is that bad. im never getting out of this, im never going to be functional like other people are. every time im good enough to have a job, i will have another depressive episodes for months or a year and everything will fall apart. its hardwired in me. if i could just be on disability for the rest of my life then id be fine. i would just live my life like i do now and i dont need more than what i have now. but im not allowed to want that. im supposed to want to "get better" and "be healed", even though its not possible, and im supposed to want to get off disability and have a "normal life". but i know i cant have that. so i just want to be on disability for the rest of my life and be allowed to glean what little happiness i can still get from the sort of life ive been handed. but im not allowed to want that. if i was honest and said this to my doctor he would never renew my disability benefits bc hed think i was faking it. so im always scared and always ashamed. so there it is.
#97#and its led me to strange places.#yknow ive been thinking about cutting my own leg off since i was 19.#i researched how to do it and all.#part of it was for a while i had a delusion that i wasnt supposed to have that leg.#but now thats gone. but the thought remains.#bc if i did it then i would be on disability for the rest of my life and itd be fine.#and i dont think ill ever do it bc i dont have the guts to do something like that.#but i do think about it. about being in an 'accident' or something thatd ensure i never have to be called a liar.#idk.#sh tw#i should probably tell my psych about this actually bc i never mentioned it to anyone but ik he doesnt take my schizo diagnosis seriously#not his fault bc i hide all my delusions out of shame but maybe if i made a list and told him about it hed take me more seriously
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I definitely have some kind of undiagnosed personality disorder I am Not normal
#it's probably paranoid. tbh. cluster a at least#have forced myself to have some kind of filter bc if I posted all the shit I genuinely think u guys would Not want to be around me#me wearing a tshirt that says ASK ME ABOUT MY PARANOID DELUSIONS#cannot get into them all but it's standard fare I suppose. being watched hidden cameras being spied on etc etc you know how it goes#that's also not getting into my very strong belief about like. this whole potential serial killer thing Don't Ask it's years old now#but I went crazy w that one. don't worry about it tho#and then your typical self hatred and self loathing and seeing and hearing things on occasion#interpreting my dreams as having a greater meaning and thinking mundane things are signs. should probably bring this up to my psych#next month when I see her. I'll probably forget again though. oh well#there's also like. I know it's her job but I'm scared to bring any of these things up idk why but the idea of telling her all this scares me#idk though! cross that bridge when things get awful
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so I just found my new favorite uquiz...
#idk who made this or why but thanks#also like yeah you have to buy into a few animal crossing questions#but they're not the point of the quiz#so like don't let that scare you off#umm#probably a tw for like depression and delusions and maybe sui#Just in case#Uquiz#fav
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also in an incredibly dire need to be in love but also I'm fine. don't even worry about it
#I'M SO#I just#I see people exist and I'm in such a mood and I'm like#I'M LIKE!!!#HELLO!!! HELLO HELLO HELLO#Idk I think life is about???#What is life about??#Putting yourself out there? Probably#I think life should be about being passive and having nice things happen to you#Alas I am not the protagonist to some romance novel I am just a girl in a world that is big and small and also full of chaos and others and#That has no time at all#This doesn't make sense don't even worry but also I can't tell if life is the law of attraction or life is a watched pot never boils#Void talks#Ouggaaaahh I don't even have time for this who am I kidding.#Someone mentioned something and people are talking to me and#I get these little spores in my head that grow into these big clouds of delusions
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everyone loves me and how i talk about Dune unprompted
#if you cant take the heat get out of arrakis!!#theres smth interesting to be said about Dune specifically being the big blockbuster scifi event right in the aftermath of Oct 7th#stuff like the arabic phrases being purposefully scrubbed even tho frank herberts white ass went out of his way to make em accurate#but also just like the........absolute strangeness of ppl going to see a movie about. all that. and then turning around and Condemning Hama#its so wild to witness. idk. the level of delusion. israelis probably think theyre then ones who are supposed to be the noble fremen lmfao#in a broader sense tho trying to find political analogy is Dune is kind of a fools errand. thats one big can of worms#planet of worms even
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fighting yowai....
#what must it be like to be 10 years old only child#and then suddenly you have a little sister that eberyine adores and fawns over#like i just kniw they spoilt totoko so bad (canon) and neglected fighting for it (my delusion)#he probabky tried to bully her and got heavily reprimended by his parents for it#probably would lead to him still being childish at 20... suddenly not getting attention anymore -> regression and acting out#maybe anger issues too. hence boxing#idk. i feel like he mustve grown upcresenting her to some degree#little girl who gets everything#i mean their parents did let him live at homr still at 20 but that seemed contingent on him inheriting the fish shop#idk. im hallucinating. im delusional. but man. what must their relationship have been like...#now that theyre both adults they can get along as equals. but oh.. the gaps from childhood they cant fill#considering their age difference i wonder if they even felt like family at a certain point....#tragedy of the spoilt girl and her forgotten brother....#the way it ruined theur lives (potentially) in different ways#sorry. im thinking too hard abt it im hallucinating. sorry#aughhh i love totoko as a study of a spoilt girl grown up though#the sextuplets and her both pampered as kids and never grew up#vs fighting at 20 who wanted to be an adult but didnt want to grow up.. now with child..#potentially reconnecting w parents for first time in years??#sorry. im thinking too much abt a character who showed up for 3 seconds. sorry#sorry i started relating the character w 1 manga appearance to my own personal familial dynamics and now im invested. sorry
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grahh this sucks . my entire famiyl is like Being a little weird bc of my whole little moment yesterday and i dont like it . but wtvr
#i feel so stupid abt it even tho i know it isnt my fault like. it ws just my Normal delusion + exposure to heat + edible. but i feel silly#but it was really scary i really did think that i had. Ugh it feels dumb now#basically i convinced myself my ribs had stabbed me and it hurt so bad and i could feel the blood like. i could feel internal bleeding#and whenever i moved i could feel allt he blood pour over in that direction and it was awful#nd i like . barely managed to get myself into the living room where of course everyone was having a movie night so everyone saw me fucking#shaking on the ground uncontrollably . wtvr. im so embarassed and my moms never gonna giveme an edible again probably#nd my parents thought i was having a fuckign seizure thats how bad it was but the paramedics and the nurses and stuff at the hospital were#like Nope just a bad high. my mom aays she thinks the sun played into it more#but idt. i get the Ny ribs r stabbing jnto me thing a lot. usually just when im high but sometimes not even. so i think the main 2 fcators#were my crazy and the edible. but the Laying in the sun for nearly n hour nad getting sunburnt did prolly play into it. idk. i just feel#so dumb and like. UGH. theyre all just being so nice and like. on eggshells#and i wish i had just stayed in my room and dealt with it myself idk .
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Me, chilling vibing: :)
My brain: So, what if Diluc also had time spent in the Abyss while in his jaunt in Snezhnaya bc he'd fallen to it in trying to escape pursuit by the Fatui/a Harbinger, and thus his particular pursuit of the Abyss Order happened to result of the things he'd seen there and the creatures that tried to prey on his grief/negative emotions, thus wanting to protect the people of Mondstadt from such things. Part of the reason he was able to survive using the Delusion constantly happened to be unwittingly being tainted by it. Though not without price-
#☆ ┆ ( .ooc. );#//I like to think it's also why he might wind up with such a destructive fighting style#//Apart from surviving on his own in Snezhnaya and needing to be absolutely Ape Shitt to make sure no one could ever get in close#//If anyone got within meters of him; it was curtains for him: His thought process throughout that whole time#//With the Evil Eye; it was all too easy to kill from afar; particularly the weaker grunts he came across; & rlly make it HURT too#//Then with this idea; his more ruthless combat style would become the very reason he even makes it out of there alive#//Esp resolving to become every bit the monster these creatures are or worse; if he's the bigger/badder combatant; he WILL survive#//It's not until he'd get out of there and travel around teyvat as he'd promised Alice that he'd slowly start to phase out of that mindset#//Bc then he doesn't NEED to be a monster like that anymore#//Of course it would still stain the fabric of his very being. One does not delve into the Abyss' clutches and come out unscathed after all#//There are times where his instinctive reactions or bursts of temper tend to go overboard; esp when dealing with human enemies#//Times like those scare him bc he wouldn't be able to tell how much of that is the Delusion's influence or worse#//Bc the Evil Eye would be in his mind for years before he'd relinquish and destroy it; and probably haunt him for the rest of his life#//Bc of how dependent he'd become of it in that time. Add in a potential; even if brief; Abyssal corruption; and well-#//Eh; this is a fun idea but idk if I would want to incorporate it fully kjdgdrg#//Bc I'd already have too much going on with my hc of him being Nicole's son#//And thus those Hexenzirkel ties already giving him latent abilities neither he nor his father were rlly privy too#//Or if Crepus was; he died before he could give Luc a proper rundown#//And THAT is precisely what spared Luc from dying/suffering more at the Evil Eye's influence like Crepus did#//But EH#//I do like that being a reason why Alice in particular wanted to keep an eye out on him over most others in Mond (save Bedo & Klee)#hc; diluc#//Well; I kinda have to add that for the last few tags jhdbfgdfg
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the thing w my rsd is that i know that thats what it is and i avoid as much as i can talking abt it w people when its triggered bc i dont want them to think im being clingy or annoying, i understand that people dont owe me shit. but even when i know that its just my brain acting up, i still have these mean and suspicious thoughts abt myself and other people despite not having any reasons to believe in them, and it keeps ruining the good moments i have w others
#again. idk if paranoia or delusions are the correct terms for what i experience. it sounds right but idk a trustworthy source to look it up#ugh i was having such a nice morning until it got triggered again. back to the 'do i have bpd or is it just real bad rsd' question#tbd probably
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what i dont get with the colleen ballinger alleged grooming accusations is if you wanted to brush all of this under the rug why in the fuck would you make an earworm of a song to do it? i have had the chorus stuck in my head since it came out, and every single time it gets stuck in my head, i’m reminded about how much of an evil creep she is.
#charlie.txt#did she think this was her high school musical moment where she gets to sing her feelings and then the crowd goes wild?#did she think it would remind everyone why they liked her in the first place?#or did she know this would be poorly recieved and thought any publicity is good publicity?#was this just attention seeking where she knew it would make the internet blow up?#did she want to be deilberately shocking?#i cant decide if this move was a blind delusion that people would like it or a calculated manipulation where she knew it wouldnt go well#ive also seen theories — and i want to emphasize the word theories — that she put it in a song so she could copyright claim other creators#talking about it and using her music so she could make a last little bit of cash before running for the hills#i cant remember what video it was but adam mcintyre was talking to someone and noted that she was on stage at that very moment doing a#liveshow. was it the h3h3 podcast??#or was he talking to the man who went on tour with her who cody desoto abused?#sorry i feel horrible for not knowing his name off the top of my head but knowing his abuser’s#idk if she’s still doing liveshows but her major sponsors have pulled back so#girliepop is gonna have to dust off her CV#i mean she’ll probably be fine. she’s likely a multi millionaire#but anytime anyone interacts with colleen ballinger and she gets googled#its this whatll come up.
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