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python333 · 1 year ago

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im in love with your content omg😭 your writing style is just chefs kiss

can i req a reader with the tf141 being on a mission and hearing an enemy say something in british slang and they just go "what did they just say.." in comms? like a reader who doesnt know anything about slang like not even that bars in the uk r called pubs (if im not wrong) and just nods whenever a private talks in slang, and their brain is just trying to figure out what they just said?

its just a really silly plot with a silly reader :3

pardon? — python333

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synopsis just as the req says, you know nothing about british slang and on a mission the enemy speaks british and you dont know what theyre saying :3

relationships platonic!taskforce 141 & reader.

characters cap. price, soap, ghost, gaz.

word count 2.6k

warnings 2nd person pov [you/yours/yourself], usage of c/n [code name/call sign].

note HI YES I LOVE THIS REQ!! i take every opportunity i can to make fun of british people so this is right up my alley!! tysm for the compliments hjfhdjskf recently ive been getting more praise on my works and it makes me so happy i love yall. again, sorry if this sounds a little rushed or if any parts are incoherent, i wrote this at 12/1am and im both more productive and write more nonsense at this time + this one is wayyyy shorter than ones i usually do because i didnt know what else to write for it so i apologize for that as well! this is pure fluff and humor (i like to think im funny) so enjoy!!

“—eah, and now we have to camp out here ‘cause he can’t be arsed to do it ‘imself, so I feel like we should have a chat with the others, see if they’re willing to leg it out of here with us,” An enemy soldier suggests to you, his British accent thick enough that you think it might be cockney.

You cross your arms to hide your shaking hands and nod in agreement, as if you understood anything he said, and put on the same shitty British accent you’d been using for the past five minutes you’d been talking to this guy.

“Yeah, yeah, totally,” You agree, clearing your throat before asking, “You know where the others are stationed?”

“You don’t?” He asks, raising an eyebrow at you suspiciously.

“Mate, all the orders I was given went in one ear and out the other,” You sigh, holding back a wince at your desperate attempt to sound more natural using British slang, “I just know I’ve got to stand out here and shoot the enemy.”

The enemy eyes you suspiciously and he takes a moment to try and read your face before he says, “I don’t think I’ve seen you before, actually. Which would be weird, if we’re in the same platoon, don’t you—”

You sigh and quickly pull out the small switchblade you had hanging on your belt, stabbing the enemy in the neck before he can say anything else and grabbing him before he can drop to the ground, putting a hand behind his back as you half lead half drag him into a dark alleyway beside the building he was stationed outside of.

You quickly set him down into a sitting position and take your knife out of his throat, tucking the blade back into the handle before adjusting it to latch onto your belt once again, letting out a frustrated huff as you stare at the now dead man in front of you.

“[c/n], how copy?” Price’s voice crackles through on your ear piece.

You push in the PTT button and lower your voice, “Copy, I fucked up a little bit. One of the guys was onto me.”

“You were there for five bloody minutes,” Gaz’s voice rings through, his tone both disbelieving and amused, “How’d he already catch onto you?”

“The British are smarter than I thought,” You breathe out, standing up and looking around for a ladder to climb to get to higher ground before anyone spots you. You go farther into the alley and find an old, rusty ladder with rungs that look like they’d snap if someone sneezed on them too hard—perfect for climbing up.

You wrinkle your nose as your hand makes contact with one of the rungs but don’t say anything otherwise, instead wordlessly hauling yourself up onto the ladder.

“Reminder that there’s three British people with you, currently,” Ghost’s deadpan tone crackles, his breathing heavy, as you can tell he’s whispering into his mic, “All of which are very smart.”

“I caught you reading the instructions on a box of tea bags the other day, don’t fuckin’ talk right now,” You grumble, slowly climbing up the ladder, hating the creaking noises it makes as you do. It sounds like it’s going to snap at any minute, and you try to go up as fast as you can, but one wrong move and you’ll easily slip, some of the rust that flakes off of the ladder enough to make you slip up.

“They were circles,” Ghost says, exasperated, “I didn’t know if that made a difference.”

“I thought British people were supposed to know everything about tea,” You roll your eyes, putting your hand on the next rusty rung up on the ladder.

“Yeah, L.t,” Soap agrees with you teasingly, the wind hitting his mic, making it obvious that he’s running, “Thought ye Brits were s’possed to ken everything ‘bout tea.”

You laugh quietly to yourself as you finally make it to the top of the building, the top just high enough for you to look at the few soldiers below and hear a majority of their conversations without them noticing you.

You get to the edge of the rooftop and pull the sniper rifle you’d been carrying around off of your back, glad to finally be back in your element rather than trying to get in undercover, and set it up.

You pull the stand out and set it on the edge of the roof, and look through the scope of the rifle, lining it up so that it’s aiming directly at one of the soldier’s heads, specifically the one that was standing directly out of the entrance you originally were meant to try and get into—but doing this didn’t change much.

Regardless of if you got in or not, he would’ve died, and the others would’ve gotten in too. You getting in first was just meant to make it more efficient.

You press down on the PTT button on your earpiece as you look through the scope of your sniper rifle, keeping the aim on the soldier in front of the entrance, “The guy in front of the entrance is just standing still, so whenever you need me to, I can shoot ‘im down.”

“I don’t think we need to get in just yet,” Price hums, “But maybe in a minute.” “M’kay,” You hum, taking your eye away from the scope, instead just looking over at the enemy soldiers. You lay on your stomach, leaning your head down a bit to try and listen in on the enemy’s conversations easier, trying your best not to make yourself too obvious.

The conversations were pretty boring and almost the same for every soldier you’d eavesdropped on, for the most part. Enemy soldiers joking around, talking about what they’ll do once they’re on leave—like they would be able to do that after you completed your assignment—and just some general team camaraderie.

The lackluster subjects of their conversations weren’t bad at all, no, in fact, you could care less what they talk about.

It was their stupid accents you hated.

Are you surrounded by British people everyday? Yes. Does that stop you from hating on the British everyday? No. Okay, maybe the accents aren’t stupid, but God, they had the thickest cockney accents you’d heard in your entire life, and it was making your eavesdropping so much harder, and had almost been the reason you were given away earlier.

They used slang words that you’re certain you’ve never heard before in your life, and used analogies that didn’t even make sense—you heard one of them use the words, verbatim, ‘Don’t get stroppy’. Stroppy? Stroppy?

You narrow your eyes down at the soldiers below you, listening to a conversation they’d just started up.

“—eah, ‘cause he can’t be arsed to do anything about it, so now we have to camp out here and wait for somethin’ to happen,” One of the soldiers scoffs, “I’m telling you, man, if I see that skull-masked bloke runnin’ ‘round out here, I’m legging it from ‘im immediately.”

You draw your eyebrows together in confusion, but you stay silent for now. Isn’t that exactly what the other soldier said? Are they like a hive mind or something?

“You’re legging it?” The other soldier asked, sounding almost incredulous, “What happened to you chattin’ to some of the others about your loyalty and what not?” “All that’s irrelevant when the fuckin’ grim reaper rolls around and starts murkin’ people like he’s been doing for the entirety we’ve been here, mate,” The first soldier laughs, “You think I wanna be here when he does that?”

“Don’t act like a prat about it, man—fuckin’ talking’ like you can outrun him.” “A prat? I’m not—” You tune out the rest of their argument and instead try and figure out what they were saying.

A prat? Legging it? Can’t be arsed? What the fuck? You push the PTT button on your earpiece and as quietly as you can, you ask, “I need some help. Serious help. Life or death situation.” Immediately, Price’s voice rings through, “What? What is it? What happened?” “The soldiers are British and I can’t tell what they’re saying,” You answer, ignoring Price’s relieved sigh on his end, “I need help.” “Jesus, fuck, don’t scare me like that,” Price sighs, taking a few breaths before continuing, “Alright, what do you need help with?”

“Figuring out what they’re saying.” This time, you hear Gaz’s voice crackle through, “Well, you’ve got three British people here—tell us what he’s saying.”

“One of the guys was talking about ‘legging it’ if he saw Ghost heading towards him, and talked about Ghost ‘murking’ people, and then the other guy he was talking to told him he was being a ‘prat’ about it and he got all offended,” You eloquently say into the earpiece, watching as the argument gets a little more heated. You can hear an amused huff from Ghost on his end and a scoff from Soap in return.

“They’re just saying they’re gonna run away if they see Ghost because he’s been killing a lot of their soldiers, and the other guy said he was being a prat, which I guess is like…” Gaz pauses to think of how to explain the slang term before settling on, “Someone who’s kind of full of themselves, I guess. Or ignorant. Either or.”

“They couldn’t just say that?” You muse quietly, still staring down at the enemy soldiers.

“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that,” Price’s voice cuts through, “Go ahead and shoot the guy down. I’m ready to head in.”

“Got it,” You hum, quickly putting your eye back up to your scope and readjusting it a bit before quietly warning, “Shooting him now.”

You pull the trigger and the enemy goes down immediately, and through your scope you can see the small twitching of his body as the other soldier starts to freak out.

You quickly aim the gun at his still-alive friend and shoot him down as well, silently congratulating yourself on your good aim and continuing to look through the scope, watching as Price runs in with Gaz and a few other soldiers.

They struggle with the door for a moment and you sigh before pressing in the PTT button on your earpiece and quietly saying, “Price, Gaz, move away from the door for a sec.”

Wordlessly, they do as they’re told, and you take the opportunity to line up the gun’s aim with the complex electronic panel on the outside of the door and pull the trigger, shooting the most crucial part of the panel, causing it’s functions to disrupt and as a result, the doors open.

“Thanks for that,” Gaz breathes out as Price kicks open the door, his voice cut off a bit at the end as he takes his hand off the PTT button too quickly in order to follow after Price.

“Uh huh. Of course,” You say offhandedly, taking your eye away from the scope of your sniper rifle and listening to the loud sirens go off in the facility the others break into, and push yourself up so that you can sit up straight to properly watch it. You grunt as you sit up, stretching your arms out for a moment before letting them fall into your lap.

“Are they in?” Soap asks, curious, his voice a little strained and breathy. There’s no loud gusts of wind coming through his mic anymore, and you look around for a moment, before your eyes catch on to him climbing up a ladder to get to the rooftop adjacent to yours.

Your lips twitch into a smile at the sight of him completely clueless to your presence and you press your PTT button to talk.

“Yeah, they’re in,” You say, watching as he finally gets to the rooftop, “Didn’t you hear the sirens?”

You can see Soap’s eyebrows furrowed together in confusion for a moment, and he looks around for a moment before finally seeing you on the rooftop directly next to his, and he looks surprised for a moment before a grin splits across his face. You see him press the PTT button on his mic as well.

“I did, yeah, just wanted tae be sure,” He says into his mic, looking right at you as he does, “It’s a surprise seeing you here.”

“Imagine how I feel,” You muse, almost to yourself, before looking away from Soap and speaking up, “Ghost, you don’t wanna join us on the rooftops?”

“Absolutely not,” He replies almost immediately, making you huff out a small laugh and Soap’s grin grow, “I’m perfectly fine on the ground.”

“Where are you?” You ask, scanning the area around you for Ghost, “I feel like I haven’t seen you this whole time.”

“I’m just behind the facility,” Ghost hums, voice still a low whisper, “I’m gonna be heading in once Gaz and Price make it to the second floor to clean up the first, in case there’s anyone left.”

“You’ve been behind the facility this whole time?” Soap’s voice cuts through, surprised by the fact.

“Mhm,” Ghost hums.

“It’s a bit boring back there, innit?” Gaz’s voice crackles through, his voice a little breathy, “You can sweep the first floor, by the way. Should be nobody left, though. Pretty sure all the soldiers were just faffing around, not doing much.”

“Fucking faffing around?” You ask incredulously to yourself, though apparently your voice is loud enough to make Soap chuckle.

As if he can read your mind, Price’s voice comes through, “Faffing around is just doing nothing or doing nothing particularly productive, [c/n].”

You sigh and push your PTT button this time, talking into your mic, “You couldn’t just say that, Gaz? You had to say something silly like faffing around?”

“It’s not silly,” Gaz says, his frown audible, “They were faffing around.”

“Jesus, fuck,” You breathe out, laughing lightly, “It’s totally silly.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yeah it is.”

“No it’s—”

“I just want one day where you two don’t start up stupid arguments like this,” Price’s tired sigh comes through, “Just one day, I beg of you both.”

“Aw, Captain, we were just faffing around,” You whine playfully, the misuse of the slang making Soap cover his mouth with his hand to muffle his laughter and you hear Ghost groan into his mic.

“That is absolutely not how you use that,” Gaz says, though you can hear some laughter in his voice—from your very non-British accent saying British phrases, you presume, a small grin gracing your lips at the thought.

“It sounded natural to me,” You lie straight through your teeth, shrugging even though only Soap can see you.

“You’re insufferable,” Gaz groans, making you laugh quietly, “Never use British slang again, please.”

“What if I get a British accent? Will that fix it?”

“Nothing can fix what you’ve said today, [c/n].”

“Well that’s dramatic,” You scoff, “I’ll learn British just for you guys.”

“Holy shit, please stop talking,” Price’s exasperated voice interrupts the both of you, “You’re both insufferable. Drop it.”

“… I don’t think I will,” You say defiantly, making all three British people in the same voice channel as you groan in unison, the sound sounding like some sort of middle school choir trying to sing in harmony, “I’ll use Duolingo or something to learn it.”

“British isn’t a language you learn, you muppet,” Price grumbles, making you snort.

“Muppet?”

“It’s someone who’s dumb and clueless and can’t take a hint, like you,” Ghost defines, “And Soap, most of the time.”

“Daen’t go draggin’ mae into this,” Soap’s voice quickly cuts through, “I haven’t said onything.”

“Uh, yes you absolutely did, earlier, remember?” Gaz argues, ignoring Price’s protests for him to stop arguing, “About Ghost being stupid with the tea thing?”

“Oh, I’ll have you all know—”

“Ghost, don’t start—”

You listen as the once casual, teasing conversation turns into an argument and chuckle quietly to yourself, knowing that they’d be arguing about this until you all finished your assignment.

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sassyfrassboss · 2 years ago

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Where did all the money go?

So we keep coming back to the fact that Harry & Meghan are broke, like on the verge of bankruptcy broke.

Going back over the past 5 years I am going to delve into their finances.

Meghan was estimates to be worth $5m when she married Harry. Now, we know this just isn’t in fact true. While Meghan may have earned close to $5m while appearing on Suits, she also had to pay her agent, PR people, attorneys, etc. By the time that is all said and done, she was probably closer to $1.5 million, and that’s being generous.

Now Harry is said to have had about $20m at the time from his inheritance from Diana. This was due to not having to touch that money so it was able to accumulate over time. There are also rumors that he received about $3m from The Queen Mother (this has been heavily disputed) and will be set to receive about another $4m from that trust on his 40th birthday.

While a working royal, Harry was only responsible for paying for personal items such as clothing and travel. He never had to pay a mortgage, electricity bill, or car payment.

I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt that he had about $25m at the time he married Meghan. With her income we can say that as of May 2018 they were worth a combined $26.5m (this does not include her merching money from 2016).

So they lived in Nott Cott and according to them, had no staff because the place was just “so tiny!”

From November 2017 until March 2020, I would say Meghan has probably earned close to $20m in merching contracts. Plant has stated that she knows for a fact Meghan, at one point, was earning $250k per item she was merching per outfit, so up to $1m a day. I do believe this money has been set aside and Meghan is using this as her fallback plan. I truly don’t think she has touched this money.

So Fiscal year 2018 they had $3.5m minus any personal expenses. We know she wasn’t paying for her clothing and they were getting free private jet rides and free stays so I am going to say at the end of 2018 they had about $3m of that $3.5 remaining.

When H&M moved into Frogmore in March 2019, the UK paid the refurbishment bill of close to $4m USD. While living there they paid for household staff such as the chef they had, housekeeper, and nannies. So I am going to take about $250k off of the $3.5 and let’s say another $500k for personal expenses. Fiscal year 2019 they ended with $2.75m.

January 2020 I am going to estimate they went into the year with a possible savings of $5.75m from Charles. We know they stayed for free in Canada and didn’t have to pay for security at the time.

By March 2020, I estimate that they went into being “private citizens” with close to a possible $32m in the bank (not including her merch money).

Their house was $14m and rumor is that Charles gave them an approximately $4m down payment. Let’s say H&M put down an additional $3m out of their own pocket. Now they have $29m and a mortgage of $50k a month, plus staff salaries. I estimated that their yearly expenses were close to $4m a year for household and security. To have spending money I figured they would need to earn about $6m a year.

So if they were to earn no income, that $29m would last about 7 years. However, we know they have received about $13m to Archewell plus whatever they earned from Spotify & Netlfix. Which I doubt was a lot after overhead for their projects.

$29m plus the $13m and approximately $4m from Netlfix & Spotify combined is about $46m, plus Harry’s $35m three book deal ($10 million because he only wrote one book).

This would put them at possible $56m (up to $81m) net worth from 2018 until current if they were careful with their money.

Rumors of them being beyond broke means that they have spent a total of $56m in 5 years, but probably closer to $70m.

Yet they have nothing to show for their insane spending other than their house.

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mrs-toohot · 5 months ago

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Contestant Info - Season 3

😇 Avi - 23 - Private Detective - Ireland 🇮🇪 He/Him - ♈️ -Chess Master, Charismatic, Adventurous

😇 Beatriz - 22 - Fitness Trainer - Brazil ��🇷 She/Her - ♐️ - Spontaneous, Charismatic, Dancer

😈 Carmen - 23 - Tattoo Artist - Puerto Rico 🇵🇷 She/Her - ♋️ - Fashionista, Outgoing, Independent

🥰Giselle - 26 - Influencer - France 🇫🇷 She/Her - ♌️ - Foodie, Devoted, Creative

🥰 Isla - 25 - Woodworker - Canada 🇨🇦 She/Her - ♉️ - Music Buff, Creative, Trustworthy

😇 Jirayu - 24 - Pilot - USA 🇺🇸 He/Him - ♎️ - Devoted, Intellectual, Polyglot

😈Julian - 28 - Indie Musician - Canada 🇨🇦 He/Him - ♊️ - Confident, Protective, Blogger

🥰Matthias - 25 - NFL Player - USA 🇺🇸 He/Him - ♌️ - Traveler, Confident, Romantic

😈 Poppy - 25 - Architect - UK 🇬🇧 She/Her - ♒️ - Go-getter, Flirty, Fencer

😇Sean - 23 - Receptionist - Ireland 🇮🇪 He/Him - ♍️ - Fitness Buff, Analytical, Outgoing

😈 Taz - 26 - Chef - Germany 🇩🇪 He/Him - ♏️ - Artist, Passionate, Protective

😇 Victoria - 27 - Accountant - UK 🇬🇧 She/Her - ♑️ - Activist, Adventurous, Lone Wolf

🥰 Zayn - 29 - Interior Designer - USA 🇺🇸 He/him - ♓️ - Gamer, Creative, Trustworthy

#thth #too hot to handle game #ththg #ththgame #thth game #ththg s3

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pretentious-blonde · 7 months ago

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✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* pinned *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

jess ⭒ 23 ⭒ she/her

taurus ⭒ entp ⭒ 7w8

uk ⭒ student ⭒ private chef

who i write for

masterlist

rules

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deelaundry · 2 months ago

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AO3 Wrapped [writer’s ^and vidder's edition]

1. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

This was another year of needing the push of fests to finish and post works. @calaisreno's May prompts 2024 helped a lot, although I didn't go as far with updating The Private Personal Blog of Dr. John H. Watson as I wanted to. I posted seven (very short) chapters for the first eleven prompts. The remaining twenty prompts have been plotted, just not written :( and will take the story to the end of S3, where we wave goodbye entirely to canon. FYI- my notes for that section say:

That’s the end of canon. NO ABOMINABLE BRIDE NO MORIARTY RETURN NO DRUGS RELAPSE NO EURUS - Redbeard was a dog - Victor was a uni friend

Second biggest surprise was how much I absolutely fell in love with Sherlock & Co. I didn't think I'd have another show grab me the way this has. Not had a ton of fannish output yet, but it's likely coming.

2. How many WIP's do you have in your docs for next year?

A gajillion in docs. I keep thinking, "Can put this away; I'll never go back to it," and then immediately having my brain go back to it. Slightly fewer in the vid idea queue, but that's not zero.

3. Your favorite character to write/vid this year?

Great big cuddly squishes for the two John Watsons I wrote, BBC John and Jonk (podcast John). Same person at core, completely different in personality.

Vid: I liked vidding Yasper for Dance the Night, but vidding Ken to a "Xavier" song was also just *chef's kiss: Imma Live Forever

4. The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

Not posted yet, but I've written some Mariana from podcast. I adore her and feel I can write her inner self... but am very frustrated that I know nothing about growing up in Spain. Don't know what her relationship with her family is like, what her inside jokes are with Spanish friends about British people/UK, etc. I have some handle (from an outside perspective) on what it might be like to be Hispanic in the US but nothing on being Spanish in London.

5. What's one pairing you want to explore next year?

Sorry not sorry, more than one:

More of BBC poly QPR Sherlock/John and others around them

Podcast Sherlock/John/Mariana

BBC John Watson and James Wilson as exes from secondary school when James was on an exchange program in England

A different deep platonic relationship for BBC Sherlock and "John"

Sherlock Holmes & James Wilson friendship (where James calls Sherlock "Shushy")

BBC Molly Hooper/John Watson taking place after John's gone to prison for assaulting Sherlock in S4. You might not be surprised to learn that their relationship is actually all about Sherlock.

There's also a BBC kinky WIP that ends with Greg Lestrade/Mary Morstan, although it won't really explore that relationship per se.

6. Did you receive any gifts this year?

Yep and they were all great!

King of Anything [Fanvid] for Overboard (1987) by periru3

A triptych of related fics by Vulgarweed: Follow the Lights in Sherlock BBC, Pusherman in Watson and Holmes comic, and Champagne Supernova in Sherlock & Co podcast.

The Final Adventure of a Problematic, Lying Detective (Aka Oklahomo IV) which is an hilarious fic based on a Norwegian parody of Sherlock BBC.

7. Did you do any collaborative works this year?

Nope.

8. What do you listen to while writing?

Nothing while writing. While vidding it's the vid's song over and over and over again.

9. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

In vidding, it's the fun match of the music with Ken sliding slowly down the hood of his truck, and the Mt Rushmore horses being the "fake-ass hoes."

In writing, it's from a blurb that I may or may not ever finish: The sex was glorious, a feedback loop of sensation rather than a race to an outcome, and at one point the woman gasped, "God, Watson, you fuck like a dyke."

Oh, wait, I wrote that in 2023. What is time?

Thank you @meetinginsamarra for your AO3 Wrapped that inspired this!

#my stuff #johnlock #hilson #jonklock #house md #if you want to do this meme then i tag you #we used to call these things memes #we the olds

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yhangry · 5 months ago

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youtube

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swampstew · 4 months ago

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What's the Magic Word?

Chapter 27: Til Death

Major smut chapter

Rowena wiped her sweaty forehead with her arm as she finished clearing out a few acres of land in between the two mountain peaks. She had spent weeks terraforming the island to prepare the foundation for the castle hideout Kid wanted to build. Her next task was to stack slabs of rock from one of the mountains for the walls and flooring, but that could wait until tomorrow she decided as she began her trek to the ship. As she walked she was trailed by a young, black feline she found living off the land. It chirped at her and she bent down to scratch its chin.

“Sorry sweetie, the big man said no more cats on his ship.”

It mewled sadly.

“Yeah me too but don’t worry, once this castle is built, I’ll smuggle you in.”

The cat bumped its head against her hand and scampered off into the woods. Rowena had no idea what species it was, and she was curious of the light, spotty pattern she saw if the light reflected off the fur just right.

The Witch made a beeline for the bathtub as soon as she got on board and she let herself sink underwater. She didn’t know how long she stayed in there but when she came out Kid was sitting at his desk doing some paperwork. She pressed her toweled body to his back and kissed the nape of his neck.

“Hey, thanks for all you’ve done so far clearing out the land,” he said, not looking up from his work. “We’ll be sailing again soon to pick up supplies to build the rest of our base.”

“You’re welcome. How was your physical therapy today?”

“It was fine, my motor functions are responding well and I didn’t pop the stress ball today.”

“That’s amazing babe. You’re crushing through the anticipated timeline of recovery. Did UK say when you’ll begin testing out your Devil Fruit power with the arm?”

“No but I’ll start that before we leave here.” He pushed his hair back and motioned for Rowena to sit on his lap, wrapping his flesh arm around her waist as he inhaled her scent. She had been making a sweet, floral concoction to wash her hair from ingredients foraged from the island, and Kid loved the way it smelled.

“Ro,’ what is your role with the Straw Hats?”

“How do you mean?”

“I know your crew has a shipwright, an archaeologist, a swordsman, a doctor, and a pet, but what do you do?”

“Ah, well Chopper is the doctor, he’s a reindeer and not our pet. We have a navigator, a sniper, a chef, and a musician too. I guess I provide support. We all bring different strengths to the crew but our main fighters are Sanji, Zoro, and of course Luffy. The rest of us sort of work around them to help wherever and whenever we can.”

“Oh! I thought Straw Hat was the pet,” he smirked at his joke. “I see, then that’s what I want you doing here as we move forward with our journey. I don’t want to see you diving headfirst into danger. I want you to provide support to the crew and ship, keep them from harm.”

“What about supporting you or keeping you safe?”

“I said what I said. Don’t make me repeat myself.”

Rowena bristled and sighed before agreeing and pushed off him. She got dressed and sat at her vanity, working on something privately. Kid occasionally glanced at her as she rifled through pages and scrolls, jotting down notes and muttered under her breath. Finally, she got up and walked back to him, he leaned back in his chair.

“I want to carve a rune in your prosthetic arm.”

“Why?” he narrowed his eyes at her.

“Since you won’t let me keep you safe, the next best thing I can do is give you support. This is a protection barrier rune that activates once your blood is drawn. You gonna let me do it or what?”

He nodded at her, resting his arm to the table. She pulled out the dagger he made her and carved a small character to the underside of his arm. She blew away the metal shavings and brought the dagger to his flesh hand.

“This will hurt for a second,” she pricked his thumb. Carefully letting the blood drip on the tip of the dagger, she turned his metal arm awkwardly to let the blood fill the small carving.

“Didn’t feel shit,” he muttered with a roll of his eyes.

“Stay very still,” she muttered bringing his organic thumb to her mouth, licking off the smeared blood and pressed a kiss to the wound.

She lifted her wand just above the bloodied rune and in a hushed tone repeatedly chanted, “Repellendum malum minatur, ut nobis.”

Kid watched as the blood began to burn and the rune became deep red. She lowered her wand and the rune was completed.

“Ok let’s test it out,” she walked out of the cabin.

Kid followed her to the main deck, intrigued with whatever she was planning. There were a few crewmembers on deck and they all watched as the couple stood in the center.

“Ok so the way it should work is – if you’re ever in a tight spot and someone manages to make you bleed, the rune activates to produce a protective barrier around you. Ideally it should also have some kick to it. Ready?”

“Ready for what?”

Rowena didn’t answer, she only drew out her wand and unsheathed it. Before he could react or question it, she flung her beloved wand at him and the seastone-tip blade sliced his shoulder as it flew in the air before falling to the deck. The crew rose to their feet, some calling out in alarm.

He scowled at the minor pain he felt, looking down as the laceration began to bead with blood droplets. As soon as the first fat droplet fell, Kid felt a force shake him. In a flash, a massive purple mist barrier surrounded his body, thickening as it swirled around him. Then suddenly, Rowena was flung off the ship screaming in the air until she broke the water’s surface.

The crew and Kid rushed portside scanning the ocean for her. After a minute, a tunnel of water came from the surface with Rowena standing atop the crest straight to the main deck. Her hair coiled and twisted itself to release all the seawater it had absorbed.

“That worked out better than I expected! Happy early birthday Kiddo.”

Smiling, he drew her into a kiss, not even minding the weakened feeling that took over him as the sea water soaked his clothes and skin..

“Always outshining yourself,” he purred against her mouth.

“You seem to be the driving force that pushes me to get creative,” she kissed him back.

“I am supposed to protect and train you up,” he snickered.

“Fucking hell, can you take this mushy shit back to your cabin?” Killer crossed his arms at them.

The couple looked at each other before continuing to make out, this time they both made direct eye contact with Killer whose neck became a shade of deep red as he started twitching.

𓏧 �� 𓏲 𓏲 𓋒 𓏲 𓏲 𓏲 𓏲 𓏧

Rowena woke up at the crack of dawn and as gently as she could, extricated herself from Kid’s possessive cuddling to get ready for the day. Killer and a handful of crewmembers met her on the deck before disembarking off ship carrying massive duffel bags and large boxes.

Kid was in a sour mood while he stomped around the ship. He felt like some of the crew was missing, which he didn’t mind so much but the fact that Rowena and Killer were among the missing and had been for hours, annoyed the ever-loving shit out of him. On his birthday of all days. Assholes.

It wasn’t until late afternoon that his fiancé, best friend and a horde of pirates came back to the ship, all looking incredibly suspicious of something.

“Where the fuck have you been?” he barked at them.

“Preparing for your party!” Rowena smiled at him.

“Do you not understand what a surprise party is?!” Killer snapped at her.

“But he doesn’t like surprises,” she argued with a cocked eyebrow.

That softened Kid’s edge and he hid his smile, turning to watch the waves lazily slap against his ship while they debated on whether or not he liked surprises.

“Fuck a surprise party, show me what you’ve been up to.”

The entire crew disembarked and made their way to their future base – Cat even joined them, trotting alongside the Captain. They entered the clearing where Rowena had spent a month terraforming the landscape and Kid was left breathless at the sight.

The ground was completely leveled out and cleared of debris and foliage; she had settled large stone slabs to create a smooth floor foundation, and she had even set up tall stone walls against the mountain to create a giant, partially built entrance. It was embellished with what he assumed was an illusion as the walls had text on them that would blink and reappear – it spelled out:

☠️Happy Birthday Captain☠️

The band’s equipment was all set up just off the foundation. Fairy lights were woven around the walls and between barrels. A long table was set up with several glasses, bottles of liquor and barrels of rum framing the wooden table.

Killer, who had been dragging along a cart, uncovered and began to sort an array of Kid’s favorite foods on an empty table, opposite of the drinking table. Heat set down a giant box in the center of Killer’s dishes. Kid uncovered it and there was a gigantic cake with his jolly roger decorated in frosting.

“How the fuck did you pull this off?” Kid wondered aloud to no one in particular.

“Team effort,” Killer shrugged nonchalantly. “This motley crew of weirdos care about you or something.”

Beaming, Kid ordered everyone to start pouring drinks as he walked around taking it all in. Rowena watched him from the wall she was leaning on with the Massacre Soldier.

“Think he likes it?” she whispered.

“I’ve never seen him this surprised or speechless in the time I’ve known him; since he was this tall,” Killer lowered his hand until it hovered just below his kneecap.

“Aw little guy!” her lavender eyes twinkled.

Drinks were passed around and Kid took his place in the center, raising his glass in the air and the others followed suit.

“22 years alive in this miserable world and I couldn’t ask for a better crew to sail these wicked seas. Drink up fuckers, it’s time to party – next week we conquer!” he emptied his glass as the crew cheered and toasted. He made his way to the wall and pulled Killer into a giant hug, thumping his back excitedly. Killer wished him happy birthday again and then left the couple alone to get another drink.

Kid held out his hand and Rowena took it; he twirled her around, pulling her flush to his chest. She looked at him sweetly, “Happy Birthday Captain Kid,” she purred at him.

He crashed his lips against hers, slipping his tongue inside her mouth and dominating her. She moaned lightly against him and he pushed her up against the wall, sliding his flesh hand to cup her boobs.

Giggling she put a hand on his chest, “We have all night for that. Come on let’s enjoy your party first and then,” she whispered in his ear, making his cheeks flush deeply.

“Holy fuck well when you put it that way,” he grinned at her, giving her a final kiss before they walked to the liquor table and he commanded everyone to take shots.

As the night wore on and the pirates got slammed they all indulged in drinking games and eating every scrap of food until only the cake was left. Cat got the first taste when no one was looking. By the time Heat and Wire went to grab the cake and light the candles, part of the jolly roger had been licked clean to reveal spongy cake underneath. Shrugging to one another, they arranged the candles over the bare spot and moved on with the celebration.

Once the cake had been properly devoured, Kid started a mosh pit on the floor as Wire, Heat, Killer, and Gig began playing a punk rock show. At one point Kid got on stage himself and began to sing. Rowena was genuinely surprised that the man could hold a note. She knew that he had the ability to scream and shout for long periods without going hoarse, but to hear him singing was something else entirely.

Kid looked like a genuine rockstar god on the stage with his spiked coat and long locks thrashing as he banged his head to the music. He would switch between singing passionately and then switch to guttural screaming during the more hardcore songs. His deep voice sounded natural against the sharp chords and intense metal music; the Captain could seriously consider a career in music if piracy didn’t work out for him.

Then the final song happened. Kid didn’t take his eyes off the Witch as he put his entire soul into his performance. For the first time since she met him, Rowena felt as if she’d been the one put under a spell. The way his voice flirtatiously sang the evocative lyrics against the sweet musical caresses – a stark contrast from the emo music they had been playing. It was a dark and twisted love ballad. She felt her heart tighten as Kid continued his show.

And after all the sorrow / We'll be riding high And the truth of the matter is / I'll never let you go, let you go You go down just like Holy Mary / Mary on a, Mary on a cross Your beauty never ever scared me / Mary on a, Mary on a cross If you choose to run away with me / I will tickle you internally And I see nothing wrong with that

The pirates erupted into cheers as the show came to an end. Rowena raised her glass to her man and blew him a kiss while his bandmates rotated around the stage to continue without the redhead as their front man.

Kid leapt off stage and strolled over to her, taking a drink from one his crew’s hands, bringing it to clink against her glass. Toasting to each other, they tried to link their arms together and drink, which proved to be a problem since Rowena’s arms were hilariously shorter than Kid’s. He threw his head back laughing as she muttered a spell to clean the spilled liquor off herself. He only stopped for the briefest moment to lap up droplets of rum off her chest that she had missed entirely.

Rowena took drink after drink, knowing she would need it to release all the tension in her body for what was to come. Several hours of partying later, the Captain was officially over it and ready to for birthday sex. He practically dragged Rowena back to the ship, panting and petting over her before they even crossed the cabin threshold.

“I know you’re excited but this is one of those nights were we’re going to have to take it a little slower than normal,” she bit her lip, suddenly unsure if Kid was capable of being that gentle with her, especially drunk. Chuckling, he smoothed her hair and kissed her gently.

“It’s not my first time doing this, I’ll be careful with you. I don’t ever want to hurt you, especially with you letting me do this. It’s your first time yeah?” She nodded shyly. “Then I’ll make it the best experience for you.”

Kid started by kissing her neck lovingly, brushing through her hair with organic fingers as his metal arm gently directed her on the bed. Rowena relaxed against him, weaving her arms around his neck as he continued placing kisses on her jaw and face. She caressed Kid’s skin with her fingers, tracing along his muscles and occasionally giving them a squeeze to which he would flex, and she would moan into his mouth, gripping the hard muscles fervently.

It turned out the Supernova was more than capable of being verrrry gentle, at least when it concerned his Witch. He started their affair with soft touches on her body as he explored her vulnerable spots, stroking, pinching, and strobing lightly against her body as he undressed her like he was slowly unwrapping a present. He sucked on her nipples for every throaty moan Rowena let out as his fingers stroked her clit, feeling her body tense as he edged out her orgasm. He moved to slip his fingers inside her core, reveling in the gushing wetness he produced from her and he spread her silkiness down her labia and to her second, tighter entrance.

With a long finger he began to gently rub the outer rim of his Witch’s ass trying to loosen her up a bit. Feeling truly fucking grateful he was the first – and most definitely the last – man to touch and explore her in this way. Truly a gift.

He heard her breath hitch and he lowered his mouth to her sopping core, murmuring out a soft, “It’s ok baby, I’ll take good care of you,” and he plunged his tongue deep inside her, lapping up her juices as her body arced into his mouth.

He let out a chuckle that made her body break out in goosebumps from the sensation. He used his pinky to gently probe the entrance of her ass, her dripping slick lubricating the area, allowing him to slip his finger in to the first knuckle. Rowena let out a gasp of pain mixed with surprised pleasure as he stilled his finger inside her, allowing her to adjust to the new feeling.

Kid’s cock twitched in anticipation but he paced himself, not wanting to overstimulate his woman and ruin the experience for her due to his insatiable hunger.

“Doing ok?” he asked in a gruff voice.

“Yeah, keep going,” she lightly panted.

He grunted and began sliding his pinky further inside her, feeling her tight walls adjust to his digit as he continued fucking her pussy with his heavy tongue. As he began to slowly pump his pinky in and out of her, his mouth began a deadly assault on her clitoris. He flattened his tongue against her bundle of nerves, stroking her with his tongue, letting the tip of his wet muscle apply direct pressure to her clit as she let out choked gasps in response to his ministrations.

His cock throbbed and leaked out precum, staining his briefs as he continued stretching her body out. He added one, then two fingers, plunging them deep into her pussy. Pumping three digits in and out of her holes rapidly, lips pursed around and sucking on her clit as her whimpers became shrill screams of pleasure.

“Oh fuck Kid, how do you always feel so fucking good,” she drawled out in a haze, tears blearing her vision as she felt her body quiver from the pleasure.

Kid chuckled, “I’m good at everything I do.”

Using his metal arm, he carefully pulled his pants off, freeing his cock and settling it against her body. Kid enjoyed the feeling of her slickness soaking his sensitive skin as he rubbed against her core, letting out a throaty grunt of need.

Rowena’s hand snaked in between them and she lightly traced her fingers over his cock; gently pressing his erection more firmly against her as he edged them. They moaned in unison at the delicious feeling of steady friction on their most sensitive parts. She used her thumb to rub his sensitive head and Kid let out a loud, needy moan. Globby pearls of precum began to weep from his tip and leaked on her clitoral hood as a shooting flash of pleasure began to run through her spine to clit.

“Kid I think, I think I’m gonna…”

She could barely choke out the words as Kid sped up rocking his cock against her swollen lips, his tip harshly jutting into her clit. His precum was fully seeping out of him. After a few sharp thrusts, Rowena felt a taut pull in her lower stomach snap as her body contorted against Kid’s cock, releasing a stream of wetness as she let out a breathless screech from the sensation.

Kid gave her a salacious grin as he watched his Witch’s face go through several emotions, his pelvis now drenched from her squirting. He let himself enjoy her body, slipping his cock inside her to feel her heat warm his member as he lazily thrusted inside her while she rode out her high. Her body tightened against his throbbing cock and he grunted in response, wanting to desperately fuck her into oblivion right then and there. She seemed to want the same, her walls tightened immediately against his length in a vice grip as his cock filled her to capacity.

“Fuck, so fucking tight,” he grunted.

“You’re so fucking huge,” she moaned in response, wiggling her hips to create more friction.

Kid withdrew his pinky from her body and gripped her waist as he began to mercilessly buck into her pussy. Rowena responded by wrapping her legs around his waist to angle him deeper inside her, to keep him from leaving. The redhead threw his head back and let out a strangled cry as he could feel his orgasm peaking; he knew he had to act quick or he would lose himself before he could really enjoy her.

He allowed himself a few extra pumps, indulging in the sensation of her cunt trying to milk him before he pulled out completely. Before she could protest, he plunged his fingers inside of her to continue drilling her. He curled his fingers upwards, searching for that spongey spot he knew she loved so much.

As his fingers kept her occupied, he lined his aching cock to her tight hole and probed the entrance with his tip. She let out a small hiss and he pulled back. Kid gathered as much of her slick into his hand and lubricated his shaft with it, spreading it down and over her second hole before he stuck his fingers back inside of her pussy. He lined his cock once more and waited until he could hear loud, breathy moans once more before he attempted to breach her hole.

Using all the self-restraint he had left, Kid pushed the head of his cock into Rowena’s ass, stilling once his head was fully inside to let her adjust to the sensation. She had let out a sharp gasp that was quickly overtaken with the sound of needy lust as his fingers kept rubbing inside her, dragging her attention away from the foreign intrusion.

When he heard no other objections, Kid began to push further inside her, being cautious of any noises of pain. She let out none, other than small yelps of surprise mixed with moaning. He took that as permission to keep sliding in as he rolled his hips.

It took several minutes before he fully bottomed out in her asshole and he let out a fierce whisper, “fucking gods. You’re so…gnh…tight…I feel like I can’t breathe,” he rasped, black dots appeared in his vision.

Rowena responded by clenching her body, walls tightening around his fingers and shaft alike and it made them both gasp sharply.

“Oh fuck keep doing that baby. Goddamn I’m so fucking lucky to get to have you like this,” his voice was hoarse.

She tightened her walls again and Kid snapped his head up, searching for her eyes. Lavendar and amber irises found each other and she gave him a lusty smile, obscenely licking her lips and biting down on her full bottom lip; fuck he would do anything to see her make that face every single day.

Kid stretched his body out so he could reach her face and kiss her with ferocity, his fingers working overtime in her core as he sped his thrusting. Rowena let out needy mewls as he ravished her, her brain went dumb as he aroused every part of her until she was sure she would pass out from the overstimulation.

She focused on tightening her walls with every full thrust he gave her body, drawing out more vocalized noises from the Supernova than she had ever heard from him before. He was panting, grunting like an animal as the speed of his thrusting increased; he gave out throaty moans for every squeeze she gave him, a hiss of pleasure for every scrape on his skin and scalp her nails graced him with. And her favorite sound of all – the praising he showered her with as he neared his end.

“You’re doing so good for your first-time princess. You took my monster cock inside you without complaint and you deserve a big fucking reward. I’m going to give you everything,” he moaned into her mouth.

“Is my reward you painting my insides with your cum, babe?” Rowena moaned back as he licked her lips down to her jaw, sucking on her damp flesh.

“Aye but that’s not all. I’ll coat your insides, your outside and much much more after we’re done tonight,” he promised, voice getting gruffer and she could feel his cock stiffening inside her.

He was right at the edge. Using his fingers, he began to rub her g-spot faster, adding his thumb to her clit to make her come again before he could release. He knew exactly how much pressure and speed he needed to apply make her come undone again; her body arched upwards, screaming in carnal pleasure against him while his thrusting became erratic through her pulsating orgasm.

“HOLY SHIT KID PLEASE!!!!”

Tears flowed from her eyes as she squeezed her eyes shut. Her body officially on fire as she came down from her high, finally registered the burning sensation of his cock mercilessly fucking her virgin asshole. Squeezing her walls one final time, Kid let out a mangled roar as he came. He sloppily thrusted a few times, his cum shooting out in ropes deep inside her ass.

Kid was nothing if not a depraved man. Pulling out and while his cock kept pulsing with his release, he stood above her and fisted his length as his cum kept shooting out, landing on her waist, her tits, her jaw and her hair. Rowena watched him with wide eyes as his cock just kept gushing with cum and he gave her a wicked grin. He lowered himself to her pussy, pushing in until his pelvis was flush against hers and she gasped as he thrusted harshly in her, both hands supporting himself upright as he fucked into her.

The last of his cum had spilled out but he pushed through it and kept bucking wildly into her, forcing a final orgasm to wash over him. It didn’t take long as he watched his first load dripping down her body, felt it leaking from her ass as his balls slapped against her throbbing hole. With a final, beast-like roar, he slammed his hips harshly against Rowena and came again.

His cum overfilled Rowena’s core, thick whiteness flowed out of her as she let out a throaty whine while her lover milked himself using her body. With a groan Kid was finally spent and pulled out of her, leaning backwards to admire his work.

Rowena looked completely fucking ruined; her face was flushed red and she her chest was heaving from exertion. Her hair was plastered to her head and body and he could see his cum was already drying and cracking in her hair. His seed on her body was dripping down on his sheets; but the best sight of all – her asshole and pussy both oozing with his cum as both loosened holes leaked profusely.

Kid gently stroked her thick thighs as he steadied his breathing, occasionally dipping a finger into his seed and spreading it on her thighs.

“I wish I could take a picture of you like this, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life,” he crowed, licking his lips in delight at her squirming underneath him.

Rowena gave him a cheeky smile, “there’s a camera in the chest from when we visited Dressrosa,” her eyes twinkled.

Kid shot up and ran to the chest, finding the desired item. He raced back and stood in front of her, putting his eye in the view finder and pressing the shutter. The polaroid flashed and the picture printed. He also grabbed Rowena a towel and helped wipe her off, laying together in bed as the picture developed.

It came out a little dark but it was otherwise perfect. Rowena was reclining backwards, slightly propped on her elbows with one hand squeezing a breast coated in his cum. She was winking at the camera, her tongue licking her upper lip and teeth with an impish look. The flash of the camera made his cum shine against her body, especially as it oozed from her holes. Kid grinned at the photo before tucking it into his nightstand drawer.

“Best birthday ever,” he hummed, hugging Rowena to his body after he had gently wiped her clean.

“I’m glad,” she giggled, gracing his pecs with sweet kisses.

“Rowena?” he shifted to look into her eyes.

“You’ve made me the happiest man alive. Not just tonight, but practically every night and day since you’ve been on my ship. At first I thought you just annoyed me, then I thought you were using magic against me. After I hated you a bit for giving me so many fucking exciting and conflicting emotions and anxieties and just…joy…I realized I didn’t hate you. Everything I originally thought was wrong. I was falling in love with you and I didn’t know or understand it. And when I did, I acted worse in some ways.”

Kid leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

“I’m sorry for every time I acted like a downright idiot and any time I hurt you, intentionally or not. You don’t deserve an iota of my ire; and as sadistic as I am, I don’t enjoy bringing you pain or making you sad. I can’t fucking stand it. It feels like I’m being stabbed in the heart. I can feel it in the depths of my rotten soul. I don’t want to hurt you. But I might sometimes. I’m your man, I should be lifting you up not dragging you down…I’ll do better. I’ll give you the world and all I want is for you to love me.”

Rowena hummed happily at him, reaching out to hold his mechanical hand. “How could I ever love anyone else? There is no one like you. I was afraid that I misunderstood love, that because I hadn’t experienced it before, I wouldn’t know if what we had was real love. But love is a choice just as much as it’s a feeling. A feeling that sits deep inside me, that stokes the flame in my heart. Through every moment we share, whether in happiness or sadness, will not waver. And to choose love, no matter what. To choose loving you through the things we experience together, separately, for now and all time. I wouldn’t want to change a single moment of our time together, all of it cultivated my love for you. You see me and you see the things I need that I don’t see for myself. You’re the source of my strength. And even though you haven’t told me your whole story yet, the parts of your past that sit so heavily in your mind – I will still love you. Til death do us part, Kid.”

He grinned at her, “Aye, til death do us part,” he mused, suddenly liking the corny phrase a lot more as he leaned down to kiss her. They embraced each other and fell asleep with intertwined limbs, their resting faces remained joyful through the night as they dreamt of each other.

Read on AO3

#eustass kid #eustass kid x rowena #what's the magic word?#eustasscaptainkid #one piece fanfiction #one piece #kid pirates #eustass kid x oc #firstmatesimp #rowena the witch #ao3 writer #eustass captain kid #raven's reading nook #ao3 fanfic #ao3 works #eustass kid smut

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alpha-mag-media · 1 year ago

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Inside millionaire Barry Drewitt-Barlow’s lavish £2million NYE party with chefs, private jets and naked butlers | 03Y5G06 | 2024-01-04 04:08:01 | January 04, 2024 at 05:08AM

Inside millionaire Barry Drewitt-Barlow’s lavish £2million NYE party with chefs, private jets and naked butlers | 03Y5G06 | 2024-01-04 04:08:01 Read More … Check full articles at Source: ALPHA MAG

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#Inside millionaire Barry Drewitt-Barlow’s lavish £2million NYE party with chefs #Politics #private jets and naked butlers | 03Y5G06 | 2024-01-04 04:08:01 #ShowBiz #Sport #Tech #UK #US #World

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mostlysignssomeportents · 2 years ago

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Red Team Blues Chapter One, part two

My next novel, Red Team Blues, comes out on April 25. It’s an “anti-finance finance thriller,” a read-it-in-one-sitting thriller about a 67-year-old forensic accountant who gets embroiled in a deadly and violent cryptocurrency heist:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865847/red-team-blues

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/18/cursed-are-the-sausagemakers/#henched

To whet your appetite for it, I’m serializing chapter one, where we meet Marty Hench, and get introduced to the one last job that he needs to do to finish his 40 year career as Silicon Valley’s best high-tech forensic accountant.

Today, I’m publishing part two. Here’s the previous installment:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/04/17/have-you-tried-not-spying/#unsalted-hash

Here’s where US readers can pre-order the book:

https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250865847/red-team-blues

Here’s pre-orders for Canadians:

https://services.raincoast.com/scripts/b2b.wsc/featured?hh_isbn=9781250865847&ht_orig_from=raincoast

And for readers in the UK and the rest of the Commonwealth:

https://uk.bookshop.org/p/books/red-team-blues-cory-doctorow/7225998?ean=9781804547755

And now, here’s today’s serial installment:

The Camino Real had excellent security, as well as all the amenities: a pool, a gym, and a set of spring-loaded seismic dampers set deep into the bedrock that turned the whole place into a bouncy castle whenever the San Andreas Fault got a touch of indigestion.

It was steps to California Avenue and five Michelin-star restaurants — one with three stars, two with two — and it cost him eight million, plus furnishings, which Sethu oversaw, going all in on Danish woods for a midcentury modern feel that went great with the rooftop garden that came with the penthouse unit. Sethu got him interested in trying all that Michelin star food, a far cry from ramen and slightly irregular breakfast cereals, and from there, it was the chefs’ tables, and then the private cooking classes, and then a major reno to the penthouse to fit it out with a kitchen that would have made Heston Blumenthal gasp and twirl.

They spent the month that the renos took in an exclusive lodge near a slightly active Costa Rican volcano, checking out the bromeliads and howler monkeys. He came back bronzed and fit from all that volcano hiking and became one of the great chefs of the new aristocracy, even pulling out the old alt.gourmand posts from the prehistory of Usenet. I don’t know when they became a couple, but I imagine it was a natural thing. Danny had a big heart, and he’d loved Galit with all of it, and with Galit gone and Danny still around, his heart wasn’t going to sit idly. Sethu is beautiful and brilliant and good at what she does, and those were all the traits that attracted Danny to Galit in the first place. The Camino Real’s security gave me the twice-over and then emitted me. The elevator doors gave a sophisticated sigh and welcomed me in, and the buttonless panel lit up PH, and my blood pooled a little in my feet as I attained liftoff.

Danny looked at least ten years younger than the last time I’d seen him, craggy but handsome, and the pounds he’d put on had only filled him out so he wasn’t such an ectomorphic scarecrow. He’d definitely been hitting the kettlebells, too, and his tight Japanese tee clung just enough that I could see he’d gotten some definition in his pecs and biceps. That’s hard muscle to acquire once you hit your fifties. Someone had been making Danny put in his reps.

Danny’s an intense guy who believed so fiercely in the significance and beauty and urgency of cryptography that he could easily captivate a roomful of people with an impromptu lecture on the subject, and he would not relinquish that hold until they all had to leave. He wasn’t a bore, but he wasn’t exactly normal, and yet as far as I knew, everyone who’d ever become personally acquainted with him liked him. A lot.

“Well, you don’t look like a man who got through a prix fixe at the Palmier. Even with the flights, you shouldn’t be that bilious, Mart. What’d you do, stop for Oreos on the way back to your double-wide?”

I let this pour over me as he showed me into the foyer and I shucked my scuffed old loafers, the ones I saved for personal days when I didn’t have to impress a client. “First of all, Lazer, the Unsalted Hash is a forty-foot, state-of-the-art touring bus with seven feet of internal clearance, an induction range, a deep freeze, and a sound system that can set off car alarms for a block. It is not a double-wide.

“Secondly, the Palmier was great, and I didn’t get the prix fixe — I got a taster at the chef’s table with a friend, and we stayed up later than we should have, and I still managed to drag myself here for a business conference at this unholy hour. I’m running on three hours’ sleep and digesting a good three- thousand-calorie dinner, is all.

“Finally, I don’t stop for Oreos, ever. I have a supply of 1995-vintage Hydroxes in one of the deep freezes. The original recipe contains all those great trans fats that make for excellent long-term frozen flavor and texture retention. I would offer you a package, but I won’t, because they are mine, and I treasure them beyond all reason and plan to make my stash last until I can no longer consume solid food, whereupon I plan to consume the balance in smoothie form.”

He took my shoes and tossed them into a closet and slammed the door, making a face, then burst out laughing and grabbed me in a bear hug that reminded me of those new biceps of his. “Man, it’s good to see you, Marty. Come in, come in. We’ll go out onto the roof.”

I got a quick tour of a lot of teak and curves and angles, like a set dresser had been given an unlimited budget to decorate the boss’s office on a midcentury period drama. Then he opened a sliding door out onto the roof-deck, which had some very nice landscaping and potted shrubs, a meandering stream patrolled by fat koi and fed by a two-foot waterfall, some comfortable- looking and elegant teak loungers, and Sethu.

She had an easel set up and was painting in oils, an impressionistic landscape of Palo Alto’s nimbified one-family houses and dinky main street. It was a couple of billion dollars’ worth of real estate dressed up as middle-class houses from the same midcentury dreamland as the furnishings in the living room. She turned and saw us and narrowed her eyes, just a tiny amount, before cleaning her brushes and hanging up her smock on the easel’s corner.

“Hi, hon,” she said. “This must be your friend Mr. Hench.” Danny beamed at her, an expression I remembered from his most successful demos, that prideful look he got when his code performed some miracle. “Marty, I don’t know if you ever met Sethu, back in the old days.”

“I don’t know that we were ever introduced properly,” I said. She’d let me in, once or twice, when I’d come by to see if I could pull Danny out of his tailspin. But she’d been his PA then.

“Well, in that case, Sethuramani Lazer, meet Martin Hench. Marty, meet Sethu.”

I’m pretty sure my facial expression didn’t change when he dropped that last name on me. I’d already noticed the rock on her finger, of course — a bachelor of my age and experience takes note of these things automatically, without conscious intervention. I’m pretty sure what Danny said next was that same pride speaking, not a failure of my poker face.

“Married her last year. Or rather, she married me, despite being significantly out of my league.”

“Lucky fella,” I said. “Congrats to both of you.”

He got us settled into loungers, and Sethu mentioned that she was going in for lemonade and offered us some. She brought it out in sweating tall glasses with silicone straws and then went back to her easel, far enough away that it wouldn’t seem odd not to include her in our conversation.

I sipped as Danny scrolled his phone for a moment, double-checked his notes, and took Sethu in. She was beautiful, of course, but I’d known that since I’d first met her at the door of that teardown that Danny had settled into as his final resting place. Now, though, she had the kind of haircut that some very bright topiarist had charged her at least a thousand bucks for, and with it, the kind of poise I associate with very beautiful, very accomplished women who are also very, very rich. Something in the posture, a kind of deep relaxation that you rarely see. Having a very deep cash buffer can give a woman the same tranquility as any middling specimen of manhood gets for free, the liberation from casual predation that men don’t even notice.

Danny put his phone down at last. “So I hear you did some work recently? Bonwick. Rearden Factoring?”

I nodded. “Yeah, Brian and I did some business, but it’s not the kind of thing I can discuss. You know that. He lost something, I found it, and I made him whole.” He snorted. “Marty, you don’t make people whole. Your commission still twenty-five percent?”

“It is,” I said. “And I still don’t charge anything to take a job, not even expenses or a retainer. I take the risk, I get the reward. That’s a proposition I think you probably relate to.”

“I’m familiar with the general idea.” He looked around at his penthouse garden, his beautiful young wife, his view of the strivers of Palo Alto and their Leave It to Beaver houses, all a testament to his willingness to take all the risk and his unwillingness to share his rewards. “You ever take payment in crypto?”

“I prefer fiat” — this being the cutesy word that crypto weirdos use for real money — “I have smart accountants who keep my tax bite down to a manageable slice, and I’ve got no other reason to accept distributed sudoku puzzles in lieu of greenbacks.”

“Very funny,” he said. Cryptocurrency hustlers hate it when you point out that the whole blockchain emits billions of tons of CO2 to help repeatedly compute pointless mathematical puzzles. “You’re familiar with how crypto works, though, right?”

“Danny, I love you like a brother, but I hope I’m not about to get a sales pitch for Trustlesscoin.” The only sour note in the previous night’s dinner had been a couple of bros at the chef’s table who spent the first hour talking about smart contracts. It was a hazard of any public space in SV, and I accepted it with good grace, but I wouldn’t tolerate it in private places. Life is too short.

“No pitch, but I just want to make sure you’re up to speed for what I’m going to tell you next. Forensic accounting is one thing, but when you throw in crypto, it’s a whole different world.”

Later this week (Apr 20/21), I’m speaking in Chicago at the Stigler Center’s Antitrust and Competition Conference.

This weekend (Apr 22/23), I’m at the LA Times Festival of Books.

[Image ID: A squared-off version of Will Staehle's cover for the Macmillan edition of 'Red Team Blues.']

#pluralistic #fiction #crypto #crypto means cryptography #red team blues #cryptocurrency #books #technothrillers #serials #martin hench

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