#practically a journal entry

[thebramblewood]

As Lilith’s question lingered in my mind — Do you trust me? — it required all of my dwindling energy to focus on something other than the peculiar sensation of her fangs digging into the tender flesh of my neck. Eventually, as my vision blurred and darkened, my mind drifted to a more comforting view, memories of an idyllic childhood. We were innocent then, troubled by nothing, not yet cognizant of the weight of expectation that would soon be thrust upon us. Though only two years separated us, I idolized Lilith. She was so confident and daring, two qualities I’d always lacked. I would have followed her anywhere, trusted her in anything — in fact, I did more often than not.

Only now, as I recall these final moments of my mortal life, does that trust begin to waver.

Previous / Next

Young Caleb: You’ll never make it all the way to the top.

Young Lilith: Will too.

Young Caleb: Will not.

Young Lilith: Will too! Let’s make a deal. If I reach the tallest branch, you have to climb up after me.

Young Caleb: I don’t know, Lily…

Young Lilith: Why are you so afraid if you don’t even think I can do it?

Young Caleb: It isn’t fair if I help you up.

Young Lilith: Just be quiet and stop wiggling. You’d better get climbing, pipsqueak!

Young Caleb: Don’t call me that! Look, I’m even higher than you!

Governess: [distantly] Lilith and Caleb Vatore! Get your behinds down here! Your mother will have my hide if you scuff up your Sunday best.

Young Lilith: [giggling breathlessly] Last one inside is a rotten egg!

Young Caleb: Wait! Help me down, Lily. I’m too scared. Don’t leave me here, Lily! Come back!

-

Caleb: [faintly] Lily?

Vlad: Goddamn it, girl! Get the hell off!

[discordant piano notes]

You’re killing him!

[valentines-virgil]

Jayce and Viktor need to get married so Viktor can finally have a last name. He deserves it

[uhlillie]

old bujo spreads / notes from my instagram :3

felt like sharing since i mentioned it in my #meettheartist post !

haven't been keeping up with it as much as i'd like!! but i have soooo much stationery collecting dust that i REALLY want to use up 😭

[coldfeetonthekitchenfloor]

The composition of butterfly wings, how if you hold me too tightly you’ll break the flutters in my flight pattern. You handle me too much and I’ll crumble into powder. I don’t like being in peoples fists, it’s hard to breathe through the gaps of grip. Don’t smother the flames of me by holding too tight. I thrive off freedom and floating air currents and enough space in the sky to hear my own voice. Let me be quiet, there’s a million whirling thoughts in here that I need to decipher before I put sound to. Let me be, let me be, and all that I am will fall like music around you.

[echinocereus]

The desire to do everything is overpowering

[tipsywench]

Of all the business courses I have to take I actually think accounting is the most tolerable because at least it doesn't involve bullshit.

[nonsenseparts]

Probably best to keep scrolling, or alternatively go listen to literally any song from Buckethead's album Colma. It's beautiful. All of it. Heck listen to the whole thing. I'm just here to turn thoughts and feelings to words and maybe practice openness.

Frustrated with how easy my friends make it to figure things out. I would like to be as able to offer the same in return. I feel like I've fallen behind. I want to be a better friend and more of a person.

I want to learn what they know so that my requests for support/guidance feel more substantial, more worthy of their time. I stand by "there's no such thing as a stupid question", and so my guilt points to a sense of emotional self-sabotage with regard to my personal growth. Even now I feel so locked into mental rules I didn't even consciously choose. So were I to be more independently competent as a person, what would I be more independent of? I'd know to ask for help, so it wouldn't be a matter of individualism. It's not about denying myself the right to basic comforts, so it's not about feeling like I deserve less than others, or that nobody should have such comforts. It's not about feeling like a slave to instinct, instinct is valuable and important. I don't have a sense of being watched for errors or sins. It's not even a matter of coping mechanisms, I don't believe I get to employ my coping mechanisms as often or effectively as I would like. It is as though I have decayed, and in doing so ceded ownership of my brain emotional and cognitive sediment, and that sediment has taken on a life of its own. I'm not talking about other identities operating within my brain/mind. It's more like a million tiny remotes from the click movie. Tiny emotions and significances and connections falling to the wayside, throwing errors, failing to get across gaps or accumulate in the recursive cycles that constitute my being. I'm supposed to be starting CBT in a few months. That should have some value here, as should what it encourages me to get done. But aside from that, I don't know. I want to read more. I want to learn more, faster. I want to participate in things whose skills will give me a clearer reflection of my inner workings, the outer world, and the relationship between the two. Meditation, foreign languages, art, singing, programming, math, crochet, physics, animal husbandry, writing. Fervent learning is so core to my identity. I think that's what it is. I've been learning more and more slowly. Even with the medications that felt like breaths of fresh air. And maybe I ought to feel this way, regardless of how engaged I am with learning. Maybe this is what happens when fatigue accumulates. My sleep schedule used to be chaotic, but in a week I used to get a lot more. Now it's 2-4h a night, 6 if I'm lucky, none if I'm unlucky. 8-12 if I'm physically fucked up from exhaustion, and then back to 0-6. My sleep meds increase the quality of my sleep *f I can get it, but the vivid dreams at the cost of needing more emotional self/external care during my waking hours. My adhd meds calm me, and increase my connection to activities if I can start them... focus, stamina, patience, at the cost of needing better sleep and more relaxing downtime. But making the sleep happen? I don't know. I'm becoming less able to take care of myself and participate in my interests and responsibilities, which is increasing my stress levels, which is further impacting my sleep. It's a cycle. My mental health appointments mean missing classes, or having less time to study or relax. I've already dropped half of my interests since starting this semester and cut my social contact in half along with it just to maintain this sliver of a chance of catching up to my peers. I need more rest, a change of pace, and help. The grief of these last few years' losses have been so heavy. I want to be there for my loved ones. As the saying goes, I want to be able to keep people warm without setting myself on fire. Maybe I could catch up at uni if I had a spare two weeks. Maybe I could recover my energy reserves if I had a spare month. Maybe I could be okay if this all wasn't so overwhelming. That's not even getting into my finances. I can't wait those away. I need a real grip on things before this Winter when the Nordic dark months/super short days - I don't want even more cards stacked against my brain chemistry. Some peace shouldn't be too much to ask for.

I'm so tired of the decay. I'm so tired of being tired. I want to feel real again.

[livloiterlost]

625

My relationship with mess is complicated. My whole life revolved around trash. It surrounded me, clinging to the walls of my house and the recesses of my mind. The trash piled up inside my head while I ignored the growing accumulation of trash bags that slowly took over my room, the living room, and (eventually) the whole house. I’m not there anymore. Far, far from it. K keeps our small apartment so clean, I didn’t even know a home could be so clean. But even though I am far away from it all, the mess follows me. I can smell it sometimes. It taunts me, reaching out for me when I least expect it and sending me off on a wild chase to find it, upending chairs and couch cushions, examining every inch of the fridge, even rifling through the trashcan until I realize – it was never there. And I’m just a goose, running havoc all over my nice clean apartment, searching for an imaginary smell that soaks into my clothes and skin.

The trash follows me in other ways. I am messy. It’s in my blood. I leave empty soda cans out and I never wipe down the stove. K hates that. Sometimes, they comment, likening it to my old life, and it breaks something in me. My desk at work is covered in Post-it notes and gum wrappers. I never put my pens back in the pen holder. My bag is stuffed with old receipts, more gum wrappers – some wrapped around old gum that has hardened over time, some just thrown in – and forgotten lipgloss. 

I try to be clean. I do. I wish I wasn’t so comfortable in the mess. But I am. I hate the mess but there’s some sick part of me that wants to sink into the trash. To just lay there, rotting with the moldy to-go containers and mildew-covered magazines. It’s quiet. It's still.

It’s home.

[justthingsiwrote]

The hotel was an ancient, crumbling thing, constantly under some kind of construction. Everything here was old and slow, the elevators, the water heaters, the staff. The hallways, dingy and narrow, made you feel overwhelmingly temporary. The floorboards were cracked and the walls were peeling, but the view was wonderful. Large, open kitchen windows that faced the ocean, the date palms swaying slowly in the breeze. Through the other windows, a graveyard, with colourful tombstones surrounded by huge, ominous-looking trees. The furniture and panelling was all made of the same kind of wood, warm and brown and comforting against the white walls. Being here felt like a brief respite from time. I spent my mornings half heartedly studying and sending countless emails to the elusive Sarah, who I was rapidly losing faith in hearing from. In the evenings we went to the beach, walking for hours along the shore and looking at the dying starfish in the sand. There were always a couple of oil fires in the distance, tall and bright, giving the impression of giant accusing eyes. I saw accusations everywhere those days, in the glances of strangers, in the soft rush of the sea, in the silence of my friends. 

[tractort33th]

This was supposed to be just landscape practice but it devolved/evolved into something small for a world that's been living rent-free in my head for a few years now. I even included the rough sketches of Rhodo before I settled on him cutting grass.

Also, check out that new signature

Prettty sweet

Close ups of my favourite pieces under the break

[a-passing-storm]

I am strongly considering doing my nightly journal entries in Latin, since I have been terrible about maintaining my Latin knowledge, and I haven't really been sticking to my planned Thirty Minutes Of Relearning A Day thing.

[nostalgias-diner]

Aaaaaa I was in the same room as Freddy & Matt!

My friend and I went to the NYC free screening of We're All Going to Die and it was so fun! I love the movie and the Q&A was good.

I really loved the showing of mock up shots of Freddy to show what they wanted to shoot as pick ups. Also they said they were very specific about the "wait what really okay" line in the script and stage directions because every time I hear it, it sounds like such a Freddy-ism.

I brought my notebook with my #1 dad sticker to NYC to get it signed but then left it at my friends place before the screening! So I got a poster for me and another for my brother but then didn't get them signed bc idk what I would have said after waiting in line. Like "Matt, I accidentally named my first DnD character after your daughter"? Or "Freddy, how did you guys meet/cast Jordan?"

Just seeing them there and getting a Thalia's Bee pin was great!

My friend and I were talking about how Beth had like 4 roles between producer, production assistant, actor and writing help and how we would have loved to see her (my friend is finishing her grad school in film producing & moving to LA this summer which is why she came without knowing rocketjump or Dndads)

[shishiikura]

It's sooooo nice to take the day off and get notifications for meetings I would otherwise have to attend but I don't have to cuz I am not working <3

[lucky-draws]

oh here are today's pages too lol..

[the-hermit-witch]

i know this blog has been mostly dead for a while but i really want to get back to practice more. the thing is when i started practicing it felt like truly finding myself, i had gone through a major change, and i genuinely felt like i was reborn as a person, and while that was going on i really built my practice and rituals and they felt like a celebration of my new-found peace. then as time went on and this things became more and more important for me i also started sharing it with someone, which made my practice even more joyous. the real problem is that as life became busier my practice became something i mainly found time for when i was with this person, which at the time felt great, but life happens and this person and i are no longer speaking. and ever since that connection started to fall apart so did my own relationship with my own practice. ever since then i have felt the absence of the comfort practicing even in small ways but i have not been able to reconnect. i have also changed a lot as a person, but compared to when i first started to practice seriously i feel like an half-formed thing at the moment. I am changed and i know much better some aspects of myself but at the same time i am very much a blob of unidentified chaos. i am learning how to appreaciate my new unidentified self, not being fix, not being fully understandable even too myself, but what it entails is that if i were to pick up practicing i would have to start from scratch, and for some reason that scares me. that's mainly because i have been lacking focus and time in the past few years, or at least that's what i told myself, so figuring out a new way of practicing right now seems like a lot of work. but i also feel like that could help. idk if it's just the fact that we are very close to samhain and despite losing habits i still write down celebration dates in my agenda, but i feel like i should find a way to slowly start this journey again.

[avaestellejournal]

April 29, 2010

April 29, 2010 Pretty alright day 😊 Had lunch with Gregory, we talked, agreed to go to prom as friends and see what happens. Which I am relieved about. 😊 we made out, he is a good kisser. After school I got my hair cut, had dinner here, had to pick up Meryl from flute practice and then went to the thrift store to look for jewelry. I found a pretty necklace. Then I went over to Shelby and…