#poirot like You are a good boy

[rain-shoshana]

“I advise you, Hastings, to go to bed.”

“No,” I said. “Not unless you do. I’m not going to leave you.”

“Most faithful of dogs! But see you, Hastings, you cannot assist me to think. That is all I am going to do-to think.”

I still shook my head.

“You might want to discuss some point with me.”

“Well-well-you are a loyal friend. Take at least, I beg of you, the easy chair.”

-Peril at End House, Agatha Christie

I will never be over this book. I will never be over this exchange. I will never be over these two.

[beaniegaebie]

i don't really have any solid conclusions about this yet but i noticed A Thing in a rewatch and i haven't found it mentioned elsewhere yet so here we go

(apologies for the appalling image quality you're about to see, i can't screenshot easily rn pls bear with)

OKAY so in the scene where crowley confronts gabriel about "shut up and die", something about the arrangement of book stacks caught my eye a little

the majority of the books are angled so that we mostly just see the page edges and not the spines clearly, EXCEPT for a particularly shiny and familiar colour combo right here-

but nothing too weird going on there, i thought, crowley coloured books in a bookshop so what? right up until i registered crowley's line when we get a closer look-

hhhhmmmmMMmmmm yes yes "everything just the way you wanted" huh, very interesting considering that we know how much thought goes into props huh

and for most of the shots we get of crowley in this position those freaking books are just quietly nestled right there in the corner-

look at that god damn framing i fuckin see you, you glorious bastards

so i paused to see if i could figure out what the hell was up with those fuckers and this is when i absolutely lost my mind, your honour

A and C you say?? in crowley colours???? framed like this?????? localised entirely within your kitchen???

anyway long story short they're two books from an Agatha Christie Crime Collection set (24 volumes, three stories per volume) and guess whats on the mfing front covers I'm-

(its a rant for another post but when paired with this other set of initials spotted in s2 i want to scream actually)

ANYWAY back to the books, through an absolutely unhinged comparison of the formatting of gold text blobs i reckon the two we have here are:

(on top) The Pale Horse; The Big Four, The Secret Adversary

(on bottom) 4:50 From Paddington, Lord Edgeware Dies, Murder in Mesopotamia

(I'm fairly confident but if anyone has a better image to confirm/correct this pls do)

now here is where I'll need a bunch of help from some Christie-heads out there bc I haven't read any of these and I've only seen the tv adaptation of one of them, so i dont know for sure if these are like A Clue, or A Cool Thing, or if I've just fully brainrotted myself into a fun lil corner here? wa-hoo

but here's some initial stuff that jumped out at me after skimming the basics:

(some of) the titles: Pale Horse/Big Four - death's horse ofc, the four horsemen mayb? the them+adam?? ; Mesopotamia is a very biblical choice bbz ; 4:50 From Paddington- azi likes trains i guess? idk that one's tenuous lmao ; honestly no idea with the other two but Secret Adversary feels a tad ominous

iirc Big Four just has kind of an unusual history, it was initially twelve short stories that she later compiled into one, and it was published fairly soon after christie's mysterious disappearance/reappearance

in Big Four, poirot fakes his death at one point and doesnt even let hastings in on it and I'm hoping sure its totally irrelevant to the ineffable bois

part of the Pale Horse story is a group of assassins that basically try to pass off all their murders as being actually caused by like ✨satanic powers✨ which is interesting

christie knew a fUCkton about poisonings thats why she wrote so many into her work and, while i don't believe the poison coffee theory myself, it sure is an interesting link with how cyanide is associated with almond smell/flavour and that metatron chooses almond syrup in particular

(ALSO random side note that is mostly meaningless but I've worked in a good few uk coffee shops and have never worked anywhere that stocks almond syrup; almond milk yes, hazelnut syrup yes, but never almond syrup...? prob just the places i worked though lmao)

EDIT forgotten point: I've seen some speculation that the bently's plate reading "CURTAIN" could be a reference to poirot's last story, along side that alternate scene of crowley ordering the sherry for "miss marple", its just one too many agatha christie references for my melted brain to handle and I'm SUS

so this is where i run out of idea steam and hand it over to you lot because i have no clue what this could mean, if it even means anything other than a cool set feature

is there something here actually or am i yelling into the void just for fun?

who knows, who cares!

[coffeeviolinist]

One of the most fascinating things about Furuya Rei is how deeply unsettling his Amuro persona actually is, at least to anyone who truly knows him. I would argue that Amuro is even creepier than Bourbon because while Bourbon is a cold-blooded killer, at least with him, what you see is what you get. There's no darker side hiding behind Bourbon's mask because Bourbon is supposed to be evil.

But Amuro Tooru is meant to come off as (at least mostly) harmless. To anyone who only knows Amuro, it's easy to like him. He's friendly, charming, handsome, smart, maybe a bit dorky, and he's good with kids. Add the fact that he's also a customer service worker, and you've got yourself a man that most people would be completely fine with letting their guard down around - which is precisely what makes him so dangerous.

Because at the end of the day, Amuro is just a mask that Rei created to help further his mission. And Rei, as we all know, is the very opposite of harmless. We've seen time and time again that he has no problem with potentially destroying innocent lives if it benefits him in some way. None of the charming friendliness that Amuro Tooru displays is sincere because Furuya Rei has almost no one left alive in the world that he genuinely cares about. Arguably, the only people left alive that Rei cares about are Akai, Conan, Kazami, and maybe the Detective Boys (granted, Akai is more in the sense that it's impossible to hate someone and not care about them). And even then, Rei would have no problem with screwing them over for the sake of his mission and letting them get themselves out of trouble. Sure, he might hesitate a little if it was the DB since they're children, but he would ultimately still be able to do it, and he would leave it up to Conan (and Haibara) to save them.

I mean, he would fuck Akai's life up for a Klondike bar, but that's beside the point.

When it comes to everyone else, though, Rei couldn't care less about any of them. He would kill or at least majorly fuck them over for his own benefit in a heartbeat, and more to the point, he would care very little about ensuring that they had a way to save themselves or had someone that could save them. If they do, great, if not, well, sucks to be them, but it was for the greater good. At any given time, anyone who knows him as the cheerful, dorky, nice guy (no, not that type of nice guy) Amuro - Ran, Sonoko, Azusa, Hattori, the Poirot customers who keep fawning over him, anyone - could find themselves on the wrong end of one of his schemes, and the odds of him feeling any remorse if they die or have their lives permanently ruined in some way are slim to none.

TL;DR: Amuro Tooru is the type of guy who pretends to be a friend and lures people into a false sense of security while holding a knife to their back, and that, at least to me, is far more disturbing than a man who's just an outright ruthless criminal.

[floofiestboy]

Official DC App's Voiced Stories: Akai Shuuichi

The official Detective Conan app offers a number of voiced stories - short conversations between characters - to its premium subscribers. I translated all twelve stories that include Akai.

Other characters that appear in these stories are Conan (12), Amuro (3), Okiya (3), Kaito Kid (1), Haibara (1), and Ran (1).

Table of Contents

Voiced Stories: Akai Shuuichi

Voiced Stories: Amuro Tooru

Makeup Time (メイク時間)

Okiya: "Hey there, boy."

Conan: "Good morning, Akai-san! Sorry for coming by so early."

Okiya: "I don't mind. You're here for the study's books, aren't you?"

Conan: "Yeah, there's something I wanna look into... ah, you were putting on your disguise!"

Okiya: "It's taking me less time to put on my disguise lately, but my makeup didn't quite go on smoothly this morning..."

Conan: "Huh? Your makeup didn't go on s-smoothly?"

Okiya: "I suspect my new lotion is to blame..."

Conan: "L-L-Lotion? That's that thing, right? You use it after washing your face..."

Okiya: "Yes... I ended up using up all of the lotion Yukiko-san provided for me... I bought a similar type, but it seems like this brand doesn't suit my skin well."

Conan: "Akai-san, thanks for all your hard work..."

Okiya: "I'm Okiya Subaru right now, Edogawa Conan-kun... And it's surprisingly fun once you get used to it. I make new discoveries every day. Why don't you give it a try as well?"

Conan: "I'll have to say no to that."

How to Make Ham Sandwiches (ハムサンドの作り方)

Amuro: "Now then, we'll be putting the fillings on."

Conan: "Right!"

Amuro: "First, we spread mayonnaise over the bread we just steamed..."

Conan: "The special mayonnaise with a dash of miso!"

Amuro: "Then we place the lettuce we washed in lukewarm water, and ham on top of that..."

Conan: "The ham you just applied olive oil to!"

Amuro: "Finally, place another slice of bread on top of that, cut it into triangles, and it's complete..."

Conan: "You were putting so much work into it... no wonder it's so good!"

[...]

Amuro: "Ah, thank you very much! You'd like the bill, yes? I'll accept this thousand yen bill..."

Conan: (Amuro-san is working his café job seriously too...)

Amuro: "Thank you very much!"

Conan: "Thanks, Amuro-san! I'll try making these at home right away too... huh? What's the matter?"

Amuro: "That man just now... I feel as though I've met him before... am I imagining things...?"

Akai: (Heh… the secret to Café Poirot's famous ham sandwiches… I've successfully obtained it!)

Who's the Culprit? (犯人は？)

Conan: "I'll go over the facts of the case one more time. The ham and chicken breast were the only things that disappeared, right?"

Amuro: "Yes... this morning, we had more than enough ham and chicken breast. There's no doubt about that..."

Conan: "But now there isn't, right? When was the last time you confirmed how much ham and chicken breast you had?"

Amuro: "When I made a ham sandwich an hour ago, we still had enough... and I haven't used it for anything else..."

Conan: "I've never heard of a thief who only steals ham and chicken breast..."

Akai: "I was listening in to your conversation. The culprit must then be someone who can easily both enter and exit this Café Poirot, or alternatively someone who wouldn't be noticed even if they entered or exited."

Amuro: (gasps) "Which means...!"

Conan: "Don't tell me, the culprit is...!"

Amuro: "So it was you, Taii."

Taii: "Meow!"

Let's Go to the Scene! (現場へ行ってみよう！)

Conan: "Amuro-san, how was it?!"

Amuro: "As we thought, there was a robbery at that bank... but mysteriously, after the culprit took hostages, they vanished out of the blue."

Conan: "Are the hostages all safe?"

Amuro: "Yes... it appears as though the police are taking statements from each one."

Conan: "So the culprit could be..."

Amuro: "...among their number..."

Conan: "Amuro-san, let's go to the scene!"

Amuro: "Yes! Let's hurry!"

Akai: "There seems to be some kind of case going on..."

The Two Great Detectives (2人の名探偵)

Kaito Kid: "I've finished casing out the joint, so I guess it's about time for me to head h- mm? Hey now, no way... the two walking over there- is that the detective and... the turtleneck guy?!

Conan: "Hey, Subaru-san! I wanna drop by a book store."

Okiya: "Yes, that sounds nice. I was just thinking I'd like to drop by one as well."

Kaito Kid: "That's right! He's Okiya Subaru, if I remember correctly... he's a grad student that's been going in and out of the Kudo Mansion. But he's kinda suspicious... there's something on his neck too. Just who is he?"

Conan: "Don't tell me- you want that magazine too, Subaru-san?"

Okiya: "Yes, it is a Holmes special edition, after all."

Kaito Kid: "I see, so to the detective, he's a fellow Sherlockian... but is that all? Alright, I'm following them!"

[...]

Kaito Kid: "Dammit, did I lose sight of them...? But this is strange... why would a book store be in an alley like this...?"

Conan: "As if there'd be a book store in a place like this. I just wanted to move you here."

Kaito Kid: (in a high, feminine voice) "Who might you be? I'm afraid poor little me is quite lost..."

Conan: "Idiot. I can sense who you are from your presence alone."

Kaito Kid: "Oh, is that so. What happened to the turtleneck guy?"

Conan: "I had him go on ahead. Said I had something I needed to do."

Conan: "Wait - cough, cough - a smoke bomb?!"

Kaito Kid: "See you, detective. Our next meeting will be under the moonlight."

Conan: "Hey! Geez, what did he come here to do?"

What Do You Do On Your Days Off? (休日何してるの？)

Conan: "Speaking of which, what do you do on your days off?"

Akai: "Me? Why do you ask?"

Conan: "I just thought it'd be kinda questionable for you to spend all day at home..."

Akai: "I have no dearth of books to read in the mansion, after all..."

Conan: "Mm, well, I can't deny that..."

Akai: "I tend to cook a lot as well..."

Conan: "Right, the professor did say that you bring your homecooking over a lot."

Akai: "Aside from that, I clean and repair the house, I suppose."

Conan: "Sorry about the house being old and cluttered..."

Akai: "Why do you feel the need to apologize?"

Conan: "Huh?! ...Um..."

Akai: "Well, I'm doing more than just that, but... you don't need to know about that, boy..."

Conan: "Hey, hey, what are you doing in someone else's house?"

The Colour Black- Do You Like it? Hate It? (黒は好き？嫌い？)

Conan: "Hey, Akai-san. Do you wanna play this?"

Akai: "Oh? Othello, I see... I don't mind. It's a valuable opportunity to face off against you."

Conan: "Let's start with rock-paper-scissors. Rock, paper, scissors!"

Akai: "Hm, it appears I've won. I'll choose black, which goes first."

Conan: "Huh? Akai-san, you're fine with black?"

Akai: "Didn't I previously tell you that my favourite colour is black?"

Conan: "Did you...? Oh, you mean when the Mokubasou Apartments burnt down. B-But didn't you say 'if I had to pick one'? And that you hated black too?

Akai: "The colour black does hide all the parts of yourself you don't want others to see, after all."

Conan: "But you answered as Okiya-san back then, right? As yourself, the colour black- do you like it? Hate it?

Akai: "Well, who knows. Perhaps I'll tell you if you win against me in Othello."

Conan: "Can't say no to that!"

Jeet Kune Do (ジークンドー)

Akai: "There you go. Boy, I've finished applying the warm compress."

Conan: "Thank you, Akai-san... you were a huge help..."

Akai: "To think you'd come flying down from above while we were chasing a purse snatcher... you always take such risks."

Conan: "I'm sorry. There were a lot of people around, so I couldn't use my wristwatch or my soccer ball."

Akai: "I see. So it was beyond the abilities of your small body. At least you didn't involve anyone else in the incident- small mercies."

Conan: "Yeah, I'll be more careful from now on... Man, if only I could use Jeet Kune Do like you."

Akai: "Oh? You using Jeet Kune Do? That sounds rather amusing."

Conan: "Like, Holmes could use that martial art called 'bartitsu' too, right? So it's always been something I looked up to."

Conan: "Oh yeah, speaking of Jeet Kune Do, did you really send training videos to Sera-no-neechan?"

Akai: "Right, I did do that."

Conan: "I see~ so you really love your sister, huh?"

Akai: "I presumed she would be interested, given how she is."

Conan: "I wanna see you and Sera-no-neechan battle it out in a master-apprentice match someday."

Memories With Your Family (家族との思い出)

Akai: "Boy... I've brewed some coffee, so let's take a break."

Conan: "Thank you, Akai-san! Wow, it's already this late... I was reading for so long, my neck's all cricked... ouch..."

Akai: "Haha, you did appear to be concentrating quite deeply."

Conan: "Eheheh... oh right. Akai-san, do you like onsen-manju? Ayumi-chan brought some over as a souvenir from her family vacation."

Akai: "Oh? I'll gladly partake."

Conan: "...Speaking of which, have you ever gone on a family vacation?"

Akai: "Mm? Right... I'm not sure if I'd call it a family vacation, but I do recall we went to a beach once around a decade back... I met Masumi for the first time there."

Conan: "A-Ah, really...?"

Akai: "Well, it wasn't any kind of happy-go-lucky family time. I ended up garishly fighting it out with my mother."

Conan: "I-Is that so..."

Wanna Go Out? (ちょっと出かけない？)

Conan: "Agh, it's almost noon... geez, who's Ran going to meet...? The only guy I can ask for help is Akai-san at this point... ah! Akai-san is here!"

Conan: "Hey hey, Akai-san, wanna go out?"

Akai: "With you, boy? Where?"

Conan: "I want to get to a mall in the neighbouring town by noon..."

Akai: "I see, so you need a car..."

Conan: "Yeah... Kogoro-no-ojisan is glued to horse racing on the TV, and the professor says he won't be back until night..."

Akai: "So you've turned to me for help? But what do you need to buy at the mall?"

Conan: "I-I wanna read a new Holmes translation that came out recently! None of the book stores near here have it, so I wanna go to a mall and buy it at a big book store!"

Akai: "Hmph, if that's the case, then I'll accompany you."

Conan: "Thank goodness, thank you!"

Akai: "Then let's make haste, so we'll make it by noon... it's so you can see who she's meeting with, correct?"

Conan: "Huh...?!"

Akai: "If all you wanted was to buy a book, it wouldn't matter when we arrived. Am I wrong?"

Conan: "Urk... I'm counting on you!"

What's Under His Turtleneck? (タートルネックの下は？)

Okiya: "Hello, I came to retrieve my pot from yesterday..."

Conan: "Subaru-san! Huh, your pot from yesterday...? Did you share your food with them again?"

Okiya: "Oh, Conan-kun. You were here? Yes, I actually cooked the best stew I've ever made yesterday, so I thought I'd take the opportunity to share it with Professor Agasa and Haibara-san."

Haibara: "Yes, the vegetables weren't half-cooked, and the broth had soaked into them- but he boiled it for too long, and the potatoes were dissolving."

Okiya: "My, my, you're as harsh as ever."

Haibara: "And you're as turtleneck-clad as ever."

Conan: "That's because- the professor explained it before, yeah? Subaru-san must get cold easily!"

Haibara: "Why are you panicking, Edogawa-kun? All I said was 'you're as turtleneck-clad as ever.' Unless you're saying there is something under there?"

Conan: "So it is bothering you after all..."

Okiya: "Why does it bother you so much?"

Haibara: "Isn't it obvious? It's because you're trying to hide it."

Okiya: "I see. But unfortunately, I have no real reason for this turtleneck. It's as I told you- adults are sensitive to the cold. We aren't outdoor creatures like children."

Okiya: "Now then. I'll be taking my leave."

Haibara: "Hmph. Being sensitive to the cold isn't enough to explain it."

Conan: "Ha ha, Subaru-san might just like turtlenecks."

Haibara: "Well, fine. Out of respect for the stew, I won't press further for today."

I'd Expect No Less From Akai-san (さすが赤井さん)

Akai: "I appreciate it... thanks to you, boy, I didn't have to reveal my identity to Public Safety..."

Conan: "No worries. It wasn't all because of me... and no normal person could shoot from inside a wobbling vehicle at the tires of a car chasing them."

Akai: "Heh heh, I'll need to thank the owner of this home once again."

Conan: "It was a big pain when he started talking even though I was handling things on my side though..."

Conan: "Huh, Akai-san...? Where did you go?"

Ran: "Oh, Conan-kun... What are you doing here?"

Conan: "Geh! R-Ran-neechan?!"

Ran: "What do you mean by 'geh'? And weren't you talking with someone just now?"

Conan: "Y-Yeah! Someone was lost and wanted directions to the station..."

Ran: "Hm..."

Conan: "L-Let's go home! Uncle said he won at the pachinko machines today, so I'm sure we'll get to eat a feast!"

Ran: "That's true! Then let's go home right away! Conan-kun!"

Conan: (exhales) "That could've been bad... but wow, he sensed Ran's presence and disappeared first. I'd expect no less from Akai-san."

[welcometothejianghu]

Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 民国奇探/My Roommate is a Detective.

My Roommate is a Detective is a 2020 drama about the Jazz Age shenanigans of a terrible OT3: a useless noodle boy, a spoiled journalist girl, and a handsome thug-turned-cop, who together solve Agatha Christie mysteries in 1920s Shanghai.

I mean, seriously, have you ever wondered what Hercule Poirot would be like if he were a 6'2" Chinese rubber man? If he had a long-suffering sugar daddy from the wrong side of the tracks and a spunky sugar mommy who owned their shared apartment? The answer is, it would be a laugh-out-loud-funny series about a ridiculous and charming assortment of weirdos solving only slightly believable murder mysteries in charming period clothing.

This is another one of those shows where I'm kind of shocked at how not well-known it is, except I'm not, because I can see exactly the problems that keep fandom from descending on it like horny little vultures. Nonetheless, I think it's a good time that more people would enjoy if they gave it the chance. Here's five reasons why you should:

1. Equal parts smart as heck and dumb as butts

On the one hand, especially given its tone and tenor, this show has many surprisingly clever turns and thoughtful moments, carried along by some talented actors. On the other hand, [.gif of a guinea pig in a rollerskate being pushed merrily down a hallway]

This show is not a complicated intellectual exercise. It's an action comedy about a goofy sleuth, a rich-girl reporter, and the cop who should be the straight man in this trio, except he's as much of a goober as the other two are. If the promotional tableaus are giving you real "cover of a Clue box" vibes, you've understood the kind of pastiche it's pulling off.

The mysteries are preposterous. They're all the kind of thing that exemplify the Doyle line about how, when you've eliminated the impossible, whatever's left has got to be the answer, no matter how ding-dang improbable it may be. You know the type: tons of overly elaborate setups, unbelievably perfect timing, coincidental long-lost relatives, people hallucinating right and left. They're also very short -- most full cases take only 2-3 episodes to introduce, investigate, and resolve, even when interspersed with the larger goings-on in these weirdos' lives. The DramaWiki page for the show lists 23 separate arcs over 36 episodes, so you do the math.

And yet, it's way more thoughtful and clever than its doofy little setup would indicate. Its attention to detail surprised me on more than one occasion. Add to that a bunch of solid performances from an ensemble of real characters, and what you get is definitely more substantive than a junk-food waste of time. You can't turn your brain off while watching it, but you sure can turn it down, and that's great.

It also doesn't hurt that everyone is super attractive and wearing great outfits. The whole show's worth it for the wardrobes.

2. THE GIRL

Fuck the haters, fuck everyone, I am going to climb right up on my little soapbox and tell you all why Bai Youning is awesome.

She is insane. She's a troll. She's a clever little monster. Every other character's response to her is, oh my god, you are literally the worst. And she is! She has been spoiled beyond belief by her incredibly rich Crime Dad, and she has learned to leverage her uwu just a widdle girl status to get her whatever the hell she wants. She simply cannot hear it when someone says the word "no." She will look her future sister-in-law in the eye and point a loaded gun at her own head without blinking. Every ball she has is made of brass.

She's hardly perfect. During the course of the show, there are some times where her entitlement runs face-first into the brick wall of reality. She's not nearly as good at her chosen career path as she's been told (mostly by the people who get paid to tell her she's good). She's rarely prepared to deal with the consequences of her actions, especially when she can't just throw money at the problem.

So she learns, and grows, and changes. She's always going to be a stubborn bitch, but she can become a stubborn bitch with a more accurate conception of her relationship to the world around her.

She's actually a really good romantic foil for Lu Yao, who is equally stubborn and spoiled and obnoxious as hell. It is a pure brat4brat relationship, where each one thrives on comically enraging the other. What this means, though, is that when they actually start showing one another some vulnerability, it's really sweet.

Now: I'm pretty sure that you could not have made a female character in her position that everyone did not hate, no matter how cool you made her, because that is the fate of all girls who theoretically keep the two boys from kissing. (More on that next point.) If she were less outgoing and friendly, she would've been hated for being too cold. If she were less headstrong, she would've been hated for being a pushover. If she weren't as into the boy, she would've been hated for being frigid. I know the "god forbid a woman do anything" meme is a joke, but ... man, god forbid this girl do anything. She gets a level of hate entirely disproportionate to what she's actually like. As I said with Eom Dada, it's not always sexism, but sometimes, yeah, it's sexism.

(Real talk: Her character is also fighting both how she's definitely not written as well as the boys are and how the plot sometimes needs her to be artificially stupid and jealous for Straightness Drama Reasons, so that's a legit problem on a structural level. Also, she's dubbed by someone else and the boys aren't, which gives her voice an annoying not-quite-there quality that's hard to ignore. The deck is stacked against her real hard even before she steps onscreen.)

So here's my advice: Go into this show wanting to like her. Embrace her terribleness as a positive, intentional quality. Don't be mad at her for straightening up an endgame that was never going to be gay, even without her. Welcome her contributions to the chaos. Realize that she is exactly as entertainingly irritating as her boys are.

Truly, this is a story of three terrible people in love. They're all just awful, and you wouldn't want to be in a room with any of them for longer than you had to. Left to right up there, Bai Youning is spoiled and self-absorbed, Lu Yao is arrogant and lazy, and Qiao Chusheng is suuuuuch a fucking cop. If you're into the kind of dynamic that can only be described OT3: You All Deserve One Another, then this one's perfect for you.

3. Do you really miss '00s queerbaiting?

Like, really? Are you just super-nostalgic for being able to see the showrunners go, ha ha, girls, we know you're watching and we know you want these cute boys to kiss, which they never will -- but what if we pretended for just this one scene??? Do you just carnally ache for that with every fiber of your being?

Yep.

Now, why am I calling the occasional really gay moments between these two gentlemen "queerbaiting" and not "bromance"? Because these moments are a) obviously intentional, b) completely sporadic, and c) never spoken of again.

For example: There's a scene (which you can see a gifset of here) where the two of them are at a restaurant frequented by the cop, who brings a lot of ladies there on dates. When the waiter points this out, useless noodle boy says, I'm his date. The waiter looks mildly surprised by this, the cop says not to listen to his bullshit, and that's the end of it. The scene moves on. There is no further discussion of this comment. It does not affect their relationship.

That's the essence of queerbaiting: that little on-purpose nod to the homoerotic tension between the two, in a way that isn't a joke but also isn't not a joke, and either way is never going to happen. (In fact, the show is going to go out of its way to make sure that ship gets sunk, so, uh, get your fanfiction lifeboats ready for that.)

A true queerbaiting move is something that should make a difference in a relationship, but doesn't. It should make a difference that our cop is so comfortable in the noodle boy's personal space that he invades it at will. It doesn't. It should make a difference that noodle boy keeps getting real weird every time the cop has a date with a girl. It doesn't. Those are some real romantic moves the two of them keep pulling, and then nothing comes of them.

I had this show sold to me as being incredibly shippy, to the point of being even more so than its censored-BL contemporaries. And ... well, it is and it isn't. It has textually gayer individual moments, but it is much less pervasively gay. It's clear from the start that it's going to throw all its actual relationship points into its canon het romance. When it comes to these boys, the show is toying with you. It knows you want to see those boys smooch, just as much as it knows (and it knows you know) they're never gonna.

How you feel about this is entirely up to you -- and indeed, it may be a dealbreaker on the whole drama for you. If you are inclined to pitch a fit when your ship does not become canon, you'll be happier somewhere else. If, however, you see this as a delightful opportunity to do whatever the hell you want with the situation as it is presented, all the while enjoying little moments of startlingly blatant homoeroticism between two handsome dudes, well, here you are!

(I mean, if you want my take on it, what needs to happen is that the cop and the girl need to fuck while the useless noodle boy watches with asexual bisexual interest, and then they all need to snuggle with the noodle boy in the middle so they can both annoy him appropriately, but your mileage may vary.)

4. The multicultural extravaganza!

1920s Shanghai had a lot going on in terms of cultures and languages, and this show actually does a fair job of representing that.

By now, I've seen a number of shows set during this era, and they all at least acknowledge the international nature of the city -- usually by mentioning the French Concession and having a handful of evil Japanese characters. However, this is the first time I've seen a show go to such lengths to actually show so many non-Chinese characters onscreen, even to the point of making one a recurring character supporting the main squad.

Salim is the best. Whatever he is being paid, it's not enough. He's Qiao Chusheng's right-hand man, which means he is also the dude who most often has to put up the main trio's bullshit. (The actor himself is also a dude with a pretty cool backstory, which is another great layer.) He's sharp, he's loyal, he's patient, and he looks great with his shirt off. He's got it all!

Other non-Chinese characters include a white Jewish art collector (I'd issue a warning for period-typical antisemitism, except … honestly, it's mostly just confused), a sadistic priest who maybe is supposed to be Italian, a completely different priest who [last episode spoiler], and three whole sinister white dudes behind it all.

It's not just the world coming to China, though! A large number of the Chinese characters are said to have spent significant time outside of China, whether for business or for schooling. Near the end, when some characters are discussing moving away from Shanghai, they consider a number of foreign cities as potential destinations.

Here's a delightful detail: When Lu Yao and his sister speak English, they're dubbed by actors with posh British accents who sound like native (or near-native) English-speakers. This makes perfect sense, because both of the siblings did a lot of their schooling in the UK. When Bai Youning speaks English, she's dubbed by someone who speaks English very well but also has a noticeable Chinese accent, which makes perfect sense for her character's background. And Qiao Chusheng never speaks English at all, because he's a street tough who has no reason to know more than three words.

...This is also kind of weird to say about something literally made in China, but go with me on it: Everything's kind of got that Art Deco Orientalist vibe to it. It looks like China's idea of what Britain's idea of China during that period would have looked like. The result comes across less like what 1920s Shanghai would actually have looked like, and more what an ad for 1920s Shanghai would have looked like. It's a fascinating aesthetic, and more so for how it's mostly pretty subtle. The show isn't some visual extravaganza, but it's always very nice to look at, and I appreciate that in a show.

5. A wonderful horrible protagonist

A lot of mystery-themed prestige television involves an asshole genius detective who gets away with being a dick to everyone because he's sooooo smart, while all his long-suffering friends and colleagues spend a lot of time doing damage control for him because, sigh, he's an asshole but we need him, genius excuses all dickhead behavior, we'll always make exceptions for him because he's just ever so special. (Watch histrionic sage hbomberguy's video on Sherlock if you're unfamiliar with the trope.)

Lu Yao is an asshole genius detective, but one who winds up spending most of his time being an asshole to a) people who deserve it, or b) his horrible friends who will be assholes right back at him. When he is awful to the people who don't deserve it, the show smacks him pretty hard on the nose for it and makes him apologize.

This is a show where you'll figure out pretty quckly if you'll love it or hate it, because if you love Lu Yao, you'll love it, and vice versa. He carries most of the show himself, with his goofy charm and his incredibly bendy slenderman body and his ability to make the one competent person he knows both protect him and give him money.

Like so.

For my own part, I find him intensely charming, and I think a lot of this has to do with Hu Yitian's ability to play him as an affectionately bullyable weenie who needs to get shoved in a locker for his own good. He's the worst, and it's comically endearing instead of offputting because at the end of the day, he really does have a good heart. He's just also lazy as heck and disinclined to do anything that he does not want to be doing, and really, aren't we all?

As I alluded to in point 3, he comes across as real asexual. He's just not that interested in sex, and he is in fact pretty uncomfortable in situations where he finds himself the subject of someone else's sexual desires. He's perfectly capable of romantic feelings! I mean, not only does he get Bai Youning as a love interest, we actually meet one of his ex-girlfriends. He's just not partciularly horny about them -- which is even more noticeable as a sharp contrast to how extremely horny Qiao Chusheng is for just about everyone, but this exasperating little dork in particular.

(Like seriously, 90% of the time, Chusheng is about to explode with sexual frustration at Lu Yao's skinny oblivious ass.)

This isn't to say you couldn't get Lu Yao into bed, because you absolutely could, and he'd probably have a good time. You'd just have to remove all distractions from the room, lest his ADHD ass wind up running off to solve a crime mid-coitus.

Twiggy little nightmare man. Garbage-animal boy. Love him.

sidebar: A word about the ending

I'm going to be vague and talk about general vibes instead of specific events, but you should still skip this section if you want to remain completely unspoiled. Jump to the picture of Chusheng holding the sledgehammer.

Okay, so, a lot of people do not like the ending, and I'm including myself in that number. I honestly don't know if they got rushed and had to wrap everything pretty last-minute, or if they thought they might get a second season out of it and were leaving things open-ended accordingly. Either way, it's incredibly unsatisfying.

I think there's a clue that the show didn't actually want to end this way, and it's not actually in the text of the show itself. Every episode, between the last scene and the start of the credits, you get to see a couple still frames from the episode (usually some of the queerbaity ones). After the very final shot of the series, you get two images: the boys hugging goodbye, and Chusheng's upset face. That's not a resolution! That is at best a "to be continued..." ending!

But no, that's it. That's all, folks.

It's not quite an ending so bad it ruins the rest of the show, mostly because it doesn't feel finished, so it's less like you're watching a car being deliberately driven into a wall because someone thought that was the best route to take, and more like you're watching someone leave a car on the railroad tracks because they figured they'd have time to move it later.

As far as I know, there has been no noise made about a second season. These 36 episodes are the entirety of the narrative. It had the distinct misfortune to start airing in March 2020, which wasn't exactly prime time for planning sequels, and that seems to have been that. (There is a 2022 show called Checkmate that stars the two main guys in extremely similar roles, also adapting Agatha Christie stories, but it's apparently pretty meh? Somebody else who's actually seen it, go ahead and weigh in here.)

I'll say that if you turn off the episode right after Lu Yao gets out the handcuffs, you'll save yourself the worst of it the awkward and unsatisfying moments (though I'm impressed at your willpower to stop watching something five minutes from the end). That's not all of it, though. Structurally, there are several situations rushed to a resolution and loose threads left flapping untied in the breeze. I guess stopping before the last five minutes simply saves you the hope that it'll pull a good ending out of the fire, because it won't.

And let's be real: The more you hate Bai Youning and her romance with Lu Yao, the more you'll hate the ending. (Not that liking those elements will necessarily make you like the ending, of course, because I'm a fan of hers and I still think the ending is butts.) The ending is already like a pair of uncomfortable shoes; if the het romance especially makes you grind your teeth, the ending becomes a pair of uncomfortable shoes that also have a rock in them. A lot of the comments online indicate plenty of people dropped the show when they learned the het romance would be endgame. It's a pretty common dealbreaker.

Oh well. Bring on the fanfic, I say! Those of us who are used to taking a sledgehammer to canon are unafraid.

Smash it, baby.

Still want to see some of these mysteries?

Both iQiyi and Viki have the answer to your sleuthing!

It's not a perfect show -- as evidenced by my digression about the ending -- but it's a lot of fun. If you can handle the occasional foible and some eyebrow-raising moments, you're in for a good time with some attractive people that occasionally tastes very gay.

Every roommate crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man

[johannadc]

Gregory, are you ill?

Didn't realize quite how much loo roll I'd used for my costume. And unwinding made me dizzy.

I suppose you're too tired, then, for some of those thrillers you enjoy that I have recently acquired.

Nah, I'm fine! See, I'm up!

Good, then you'll have no issue tidying up my office. I can't have all this paper left around, tripping us up.

Alright, alright, since you were willing to try something I liked.

Why am I rewinding all this? Need some extra paper in the toilets?

Gregory, that has touched your person. It will be disposed of appropriately. The rolls keep things tidy. And raise fewer questions.

Read to me? My hands are busy.

If you keep rolling. Oh, this Poirot person is about to realise something significant.

This is Yarn Boys Halloween part 2. Part 1 was Greg in costume.

[illegally-blind-and-deaf]

Ok, but hear me out

Tintin and Poirot.

Two Belgians set around the same time, both fighting and solving crimes and going to ridiculous places to do it

But think of how hilarious the dynamic would be

You have Poirot, who takes careful precision and time and perfection in everything, who thinks and uses those little grey cells of his to figure out every detail, every possible error

And then you have Tintin, the teenager with the dog who will spontaneously decide to fly a plane to goodness knows where chasing after rumours and barely thinking before running into danger head-on and somehow still wins a gunfight with no gun while still being a completely logical person who completely baffles literally everyone

It would be hilarious and iconic

"Now, Monsieur Tintin, if you are going to sleuth about, please take the utmost care and use those very intelligent grey cells of yours that you often forget you have and please, mon cher ami, leave the dog. He will make noise."

"The dog's name is Milou, and he goes everywhere with me."

"He will ruin our plans. You cannot tame a wild animal; they get in the way and get you in trouble."

"... well, if I am to be honest I get myself in trouble and Milou is the one who gets me out of it-"

"Good gracious boy, remind me why I decided to work with you again?"

"Because I'm Belgian and I've never failed a case?"

"How you have not I still do not know."

"I beg your pardon I handle myself absolutely fine!"

"You go into gun fights without a gun."

"And? I'm still alive to tell the tale, aren't I?"

"Miraculously."

Of course the cases always go mostly smoothly (though there are several times Tintin is accused because he was, as usual, in the wrong place at the wrong time and when Poirot isn't stressing over Tintin's childish yet effective recklessness, they have a nice cup of tea and talk about human psyche and behaviour while eating cake.

Also, Poirot is very happy because Tintin is one of the few people who says his name correctly

The joy is reciprocal when Poirot calls him with the Belgian pronunciation of Tintin (it sounds more like a nasal tantahn, it's hard to explain) and they have great fun discussing in French about their adventures

It would be so fun honestly

[indelen]

This is my reread of the Lockwood and Co. Books, organized by @blue-boxes-magic-and-tea , I'll make a general summary of several chapters and then post bits and pieces that jumped out at me.

Part IV, Chapters 17-18

I am in full fall mode and made cinnamon buns:

There is a lot of murder mystery, detective Sherlock Holmes/Poirot tropes in this section of the book which I really enjoyed since I love murder mysteries. These fun moments where Lockwood is clearly thinking on a different level than the other two arguing with him about taking the Combe Carey job and giving enigmatic answers or stating “oh of course i was so blind not to see it!” at a pivotal moments in the plot are all classic mystery stuff and done for the benefit of the audience. We, like Lockwood, suspect Fairfax is up to no good. Not just because of all the in-universe issues with the story he gives to Lockwood & Co. but because we as the audience realize on some level the Fairfax and Annie Ward plotlines must be connected and Hugo Blake is a classic red herring. We are aware we are reading a book and know the conventions of a murder mystery. So we build a camaraderie with Lockwood which is essential to liking him. Prior to this we actually see very little of him being competent. The book starts with Lucy and Lockwood burning down a client’s house. We feel bad for their situation in the world and the shittiness of the universe they’re in but they’re not at their most competent there. And with Lockwood, because he’s so distant and remote you start wondering well, should he be running an agency? Morally he displays a lot of good qualities - he’s kind, he’s brave, the archives scene shows off how good he is with a rapier, but this part of the book specifically highlights that Lockwood is clever and is very much capable of thinking ahead. And this, in turn, makes us believe in his dreams and aspirations for the agency more, afterall he is actually quite good at planning ahead. So maybe, for all his flaws, his plans for the agency are not all hot air. 

Miscellaneous:

Love the running gag that Lucy just has murder eyes and both boys are low key scared of her but she doesn't realize it. 

This is fun because at first glance it just seems that Lockwood is agreeing to this whole thing because of his ego and desire for the agency to get publicity. His answers can be taken two ways in that classic detective way that’s very satisfying for the reader to catch on to. 

When I was first reading it I thought it was just Stroud dipping into a known and well recognized detective genre tropes audiences will recognize and have fun with. And I still think it’s true. But I think specifically Lockwood’s love of disguises and accents (which always always go badly) is him actively trying to cosplay Sherlock Holmes since this sort of stuff is exactly what a kid reads and loves to act out in Doyle’s stories. This whole running bit is very childlike - Lockwood is doing too much, he’s too theatrical, it’s too noticeable. This is his one very very “kid” quality and it diminishes as the books go as a subtle indication for him maturing. 

Ok, on re-read, I think this is not Annie. Annie rarely spoke to Lucy and her connection with Lucy was mostly emotional. I think this is Skull literally one room over yelling extremely colorful expletives at her for behaving so dumb and she can once again almost hear it just like during the interview, even through the silver glass.

I know this bit with bad taxi driving would have been too Looney Tunes goofy to include in the adaptation but it was great fun to read. The later part of the book, where Lucy and George settle their differences and bond over being pissed at Lockwood for agreeing to go to Combe Carey Hall, has a lot of these great moments where they snipe at each other in a more fond and friendly way and it’s really fun to see that evolution.

I love this little bit because it means Lockwood didn't lie that he “mislay” his wallet because he's a dick or because he's cheap or irresponsible but because he needed all his available cash to pay extra to the taxi driver so that he would post the message to Barnes. This is important because it proves Lockwood pretty much planned to sick DEPRAC on Fairfax from the start, well before he even learned details of Fairfax’s youth and other stuff on the train ride there. He only had them cone solo first to make sure they got the 60k from Fairfax first.

Given that Othello is canonically a POC character and the only Shakespeare lead role for POC actors for a very long time (unless colorblind casting is used, but that is a very recent thing), this bit implies we can add “blackface” to Fairfax's many crimes.  Get his ass Annie.

[makethatelevenrings]

Angel By the Wing - TEN

Chapter Warnings: swearing (ofc), throwing up/nausea, a creepy guy for .02 seconds, canonical cancer of a character

Series Masterlist

“I’m a little earlier than normal today,” you said from the doorway. After your fight with Jake, you just needed a moment to escape. Somehow, you found yourself on Sarah and Tom’s doorstep. Sarah ushered you in without questioning the stricken look on your face and she encouraged you to go on upstairs to Tom’s office.

The silver haired man beckoned you in and waved for you to sit in the chair next to his desk. He finished typing something on his computer and then turned to you, a raised eyebrow indicating his silent question.

“I’m fine,” you answered. “I just…stuff.” A vague hand wave punctuated his statement and he huffed out a quiet laugh before opening an application on his computer and typing something down.

Do you want to elaborate more on this stuff? The screen read. You rolled your eyes and shrugged.

“You don’t want to hear about my issues,” you assured him.

It’s better than getting my ass beat in checkers.

A small smile tugged at your lips and you sighed. “It’s nothing. Stupid boy stuff.”

His nose crinkled as he screwed his face up in disinterest. Despite being married for a few decades and having a daughter who was married with kids, Tom wasn’t particularly interested in dating drama, but he looked at you with careful consideration.

Any man should be grateful to know such an intelligent and kind young woman such as yourself. You’ve brought so much joy to our family in the few months we’ve known you. If they’re making you upset, then they’re not worth your time. And if he makes you cry, I do have a gun.

You laughed despite the tightening pain in your chest. You had read about dads in books, saw them shown on TV from Charlie Swan to Jim Hopper, but you never really had a dad. Your dad was physically in your life but he wasn’t actually there. He wasn’t someone you could talk out problems with or ask for advice or learn how to change a tire or whatever dads are supposed to teach you. He just came home from work, fell asleep on the couch, ate whatever your mom put in front of him for dinner, and then slept some more. He wasn’t a bad person, he just wasn’t present.

So having this man could have easily turned you away when you showed up on his doorstep looking like a lost kitten, but he took you in and made you feel safer than you ever have. Sarah and Tom never judged or criticized you. They were good, kind people.

“I’ll keep it in mind,” you teased. “Now, can I start reading? Or do you want to interrogate me on something else?”

He let out a huff of a laugh and leaned back in his chair, gesturing for you to proceed. You pulled out the Agatha Christie novel from your purse with a flourish and cracked it open where the bookmark held your place.

“Now, where were we…”

You were nearly to the part of the novel where Hercule Poirot started to piece together the evidence when a voice interrupted you.

“Admiral.”

You turned at the sound of a man’s voice. It was the guy who had been frequenting the Hard Deck. You had figured he was Navy, but this confirmed it. His gaze flickered to you and he dipped his head in greeting. 

“Ma’am,” he said. You glanced at one of the photos on his desk, noting that it was Tom and the man but much younger. Ah, Navy business. Standing up, you folded the bookmark between the pages and tucked the book into your purse.

“I’ll go help Sarah with dinner,” you said. You paused in front of Tom and reached down, squeezing his hand. He smiled up at you, pride shining in his eyes. He was proud of you.

The moment you stepped into the kitchen, you knew something was wrong. Sarah’s eyes were red-rimmed and tinged with a sadness you had seen before.

“No,” you breathed.

“Sit down, sweetie,” Sarah croaked out. She beckoned your forward and you sank onto the stool across from her. She reached out, her slim fingers interlocking with yours. You clasped her hands tightly.

“How bad is it?” you breathed.

“The treatments aren’t working and he’s just so tired, hun. When Maverick came by, it just hit me and…I don’t know what I’m going to do without him,” Sarah whispered. “It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. The cancer has been so aggressive, I’ve been preparing for this but it still…”

She trailed off and you could see it in her eyes. The pain. The grief that has been building. Your wounded heart shattered even more seeing her so heartbroken.

“Whatever happens, I’ll be here for whatever you need,” you promised.

“I know. I’m so lucky I met you.”

For a brief moment, you felt wanted for once in your life. Sarah didn’t treat you like a prop to show off like your mom and Tom didn’t ignore you like your dad. They were proud of you. They were grateful to know you.

“Oh, there will be plenty of tears to cry in the future. No use crying now,” Sarah announced. You could see how she pushed her grief back and let a smile settle across her face, no matter how false it was. Sarah pinched your cheek and then stood.

“You can help me make the pico and guac for dinner,” she said. “It’s nacho night.”

You accepted her hand as she pulled you up to join her at the island, various vegetables laid out before you. As you began chopping, you recalled what she said earlier.

“Maverick? Who is he?”

“Pete, he was a friend of Tom’s at Top Gun. They flew together a while back. He lost his partner when they were training. Goose Bradshaw. Horrible accident.”

Bradshaw. Like Bradley Bradshaw.

That was the man who pulled his papers. That was the man who made him weep on the beach. You thought back to that night pressed against Bradley, staring out at the ocean, as you sliced open an avocado. Your eyes cast over the sight of the creamy green insides that you had eaten plenty of times before.

But this time, your stomach turned at the smell and sight of the avocado. Biting back the involuntary gag, you turned away from the sight and raised the back of your hand to your mouth. Sarah looked up from where she was frying some chicken breasts.

“Honey? Are you okay?” Concern painted her tone and you could have nearly fucking wept at the sound of her kindness.

“I…phew, I just got hit with a wave of nausea. I might have caught a bug at the bar,” you said. You tried to shake off the queasy feeling, but it remained. “I’m sorry, but I should probably go home. I don’t want to get you or Tom sick.”

Her brows creased in a frown but she nodded. Sarah wiped her hand on a towel hanging from the oven and she came over, pressing the back of her hand against your forehead and then your cheek.

“No fever, but it could just be a stomach bug. Go home and rest, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow to check up on you.”

“Thank you,” you mumbled. You started to walk over to grab your purse, but you paused and pivoted on your heel to rush back and pull her into a hug. Sarah’s arms quickly wound around your back and she squeezed you gently.

“Thank you,” you whispered again before you pulled away and gathered your purse up.

The drive home was only a twenty-five minute drive away, but you groaned when you turned on your car and saw the little “E” sign on the dash. You had promised yourself that you would get it on the way back, but that was before you felt like you were going to hurl any moment.

Maybe you could stop by a gas station and get gas and some ginger ale. That sounded like a good idea. The closest gas station was about eight minutes away, but rain started to splatter across your windshield the second you pulled out of the neighborhood. By the time you parked in front of the gas station, it was steadily pouring.

You dashed inside and made a beeline for the soft drink section. Ginger ale. Blessed ginger ale. Carrying your treasure to the register, you were dimly aware of the shattering thunder outside.

“Looks like a pretty bad storm,” the attendant said in the classically chipper retail voice. You offered her a tight smile and nodded. You were relieved once the card reader chirped and you could grab your drink and head back to your car.

“Drive safe!” she called. Raising the ginger ale in salute, you pushed through the door and back out into the pouring rain. You slid into your front seat and cracked open the soda. Small sips, you reminded yourself.

You put your key into the ignition and turned it, but your car let out a pitiful whine and then dropped off.

Fuck no.

You tried it again and your engine wheezed and then spluttered into a pathetic silence. This couldn’t be happening.

And that’s when the nausea hit full force. Your hand scrambled to grab the door handle and you stumbled out of the seat. You barely had time to step into the rain before you were bending over and throwing up the contents of your lunch.

Tears sprang to your eyes, an instinctive reaction to whenever you threw up, and stomach acid burned your throat and nose. A sob spilled out of your mouth followed by another round of vomit.

“Fucking hell,” you croaked out.

This had to be a low for anyone. Standing in the gas station parking lot in rain drenched clothes, strings of vomit dripping down your chin and nose, and crying like a toddler who just spilled their juice and a dead car battery.

You dragged yourself back into your car and crawled into the front seat. Grabbing your phone from the cup holder, you hesitated when thinking of who to call. Sarah was closest, but you couldn’t inconvenience her like that. Penny would have just opened the bar so she wouldn’t be able to come until she could make sure someone was covering for her. Usually, you would be the one covering for her.

Phoenix could help, but she had mentioned that she and Sofia had plans to see a movie tonight…

Your thumb hovered over two names in particular. You hesitated before tapping the first name in your texts. The phone rang for a while before it went to voicemail.

“You’ve reached Seresin! I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message or send me a text. And if you’re a telemarketer, don’t bother. Always a pleasure.”

You cursed under your breath and flinched when someone tapped on the window of your car. A man stood there, his hand poised to tap again. You offered him a tight smile and cracked open your car door.

“Car troubles?” he asked.

“Yep,” you laughed, a little too high pitched to be natural.

“I can help you with that.” There was something in his eyes that made you wary. It was the look every woman recognized in a man. Something predatory, as though he would be rewarded for his unneeded service.

“No thanks, my boyfriend is on his way,” you lied. You needed your next call to be answered or you were well and truly fucked. Maybe you could call Coyote?

Without waiting for his reply, you slammed your door shut and checked that it was locked to be sure. You pressed on the second name and held your phone up to your ear. It rang once, twice, three times.

“Please pick up,” you whispered. You could see the guy hanging around near your bumper. “Please.”

“Hey!” Rooster’s voice met your ear and you nearly sobbed in relief. “What’s up? You aren’t at the Hard Deck?”

“Bradley?” you whimpered. God, this was pathetic, but you really couldn’t bring yourself to care. Your mouth tasted horrible, bile stung your throat still, your clothes were soaked and cold against your skin, and you really just wanted to go home to your shitty apartment and curl up in bed.

His voice sharpened, the background noise fading away. “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”

“I stopped for gas and my battery died,” you explained. “And, uh, a few other problems but that’s unimportant.”

You heard shuffling over the line and then Bradley said something to someone in the background before he came back to the phone. “Can you send me your location? We’re leaving right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, I can text it to you,” you sniffled.

His voice softened at the sound of your tears. “Do you want me to stay on the line?”

You hesitated. You were already being a bother, you didn’t want to inconvenience him anymore. But you also felt so overwhelmed that having someone to talk to would be nice.

“If you can,” you said in a quiet voice.

“How ‘bout I put you on speaker, okay? That way Hangman can join in. You know how he gets when the attention isn’t on him.”

“Jake?” His name tinged your tongue with hope.

“Hey darlin’, sorry I missed your call. I didn’t hear the music over the noise at the bar. Rooster said you were having a little car trouble.” That damn Texan drawl filtered through the phone and you laid your forehead on the steering wheel, relief surging through you.

“Yeah,” you choked back a laugh. “Think I might have caught a stomach bug too.”

Both men grunted, a mixture of disgust and concern. You could hear the sounds of a car moving in the background and you knew they were coming. They would be there soon.

Your boys were coming because you called.

You didn’t have the energy to tamp down the rush of emotion that bubbled up in your chest. Instead, you focused on listening to them banter back and forth as they tried to get you to laugh. It couldn’t have been more than fifteen minutes when Jake’s truck pulled up beside you. You ended the call and unlocked the door, but Bradley was already at your door and opening it for you before you could pull the handle.

“C’mon, Jake has some extra clothes you can change into. He’s on the phone with AAA to get a tow out here and take your car to a shop.” His warm hand enclosed around yours and he ushered you into the back seat of Jake’s cab. The blond shot you a smile from where he was seated in the front seat and Bradley took your key before he shut the door behind you and then went around to get your purse and other belongings out of your car.

Jake pointed at the gym bag parked on the floorboard of his backseat. You dug through it and found some basketball shorts and one of his t-shirts. Tugging your soaked shirt over your head, you quickly yanked on his shirt and then shimmied out of your jeans once the hem of his shirt fell across your thighs and pulled on the shorts. You knew he was trying hard not to look at the mirror, but it was nothing he hadn’t seen before.

Jake was a gentleman, however, and you appreciated that at this moment. Because you felt like shit.

Your stomach was beginning to settle, but now you were acutely aware of the empty feeling that remained thanks to losing all the sustenance that was in you. Vomiting always took a lot of energy out of you and now you were exhausted.

The door next to you opened and a rain-drenched Bradley greeted you with a bright grin and roving eyes. He wasn’t looking at you with the burning gaze he had at the wedding, but something more intimately caring and concerned.

“Do you want your ginger ale or do you want me to hold it?” he asked as he placed your purse down next to Jake’s gym bag.

“Can you hold it?” you asked. “I don’t think I need it right now but…”

He nodded and started to back away to go sit in the passenger seat, but you let out a soft sigh that made him pause. Jake must have noticed his hesitation because he jerked his chin towards the backseat and pulled his phone away from his ear.

“There’s more clothes in there, Bradshaw. You take care of her, I’ll worry about the car.”

Bradley climbed in next to you and you placed your forearm over your eyes as he began to strip. Jake chuckled, low and throaty in his chest, and you pulled your arm away so you could shoot him an annoyed look.

“It’s nothing we all haven’t seen before, angel,” he teased.

“Angel?” you questioned, a yawn taking over at the end of your question. He looked back at you, blue eyes soft and warm.

“Yeah, darlin’. How you feeling?”

“Better. Threw up twice in the parking lot. Some guy wanted to help me with the car but I didn’t like his vibes.” They both stiffened at your words, but you waved them off. “He’s gone now.”

Bradley settled back in the seat, clad in a pair of Jake’s sweats and another shirt that pulled across his chest in a delicious way. But you couldn’t focus on the way he looked right now. You just needed to lay down.

Without asking or prompting, you stretched out on your side and laid your head in his lap. Bradley’s hand settled against the back of your neck and he rubbed his thumb into your shoulders. You hummed at his touch and nuzzled your cheek against the soft fabric of the sweatpants.

“Thank you both for coming,” you murmured. “I’m sorry for ruining your night.”

“Nah, sweetheart,” Bradley assured you. “There’s no place we’d rather be.”

Your eyes were shut as you focused on keeping the lingering nausea at bay, so you missed the way the two men shared a look through the rearview mirror. Bradley nodded once and Jake looked away.

“Take a nap, sweetheart. I’ll wake you up when we get to your place.”

You curled up against him at the thought of returning to your empty, shithole of an apartment. The cold bed in the middle of the water-stained walls and sagging ceilings.

“Nah, she can stay at mine,” Jake said. It’s like he read your thoughts. You cracked your eyes open and looked at him in the mirror, finding that he was already watching you. “That okay?”

“That’s perfect.” You hesitated, figuring that your next request wouldn’t go over well. Jake saw the indecision flash across your face and he turned back to look at you.

“What?”

“I just…” You paused and then sighed. “Would it be alright if Bradley stayed too?”

Jake glanced at the brunet and then back at you. “Yeah, angel, that’s fine as long as he’s cool with it.”

Bradley’s thumb now traced circles against the back of your neck, warmth seeping into your skin and making you sleepy. “Yeah, angel, that works for me.”

Tag List: @mizzzpink​ @xoxabs88xox​ @dreaminglandsworld​ @khaylin27​ @loveforaugust​ @phoenixssugarbaby​ @atarmychick007​ @mak-32​ @itsmytimetoodream​

[thelesbianpoirot]

s&b is written by sally wainwright who ALSO wrote gentleman jack, btw! i know you enjoyed that!

she also wrote happy valley, which i completely forgot to rec to you when you were asking for cop shows to watch. i LOVED happy valley. it's about a middle aged cop lady who has taken in her daughter's son after she committed suicide, and then discovers the boy's father is about to get out of prison. i can't really describe it without giving away plot, but it's really good. i've literally never seen anyone say they didn't enjoy it. i feel like it'll tick a lot of your boxes.

btw if you ever watched downton abbey, the sister in happy valley is played by miss o'brien's actress and she's sooo unintentionally hilarious in this. (and if you haven't watched downton abbey, i HIGHLY rec it (yes, another thing for you to watch; no, you can't ever sleep again). it's about an aristocratic family whose male heir goes down on the titanic, plunging the family into financial instability since daughters cannot inherit. maggie smith is in it as the plotting grandmother, and she's so good. i know you're more of an action and crime show fan rather than period dramas, but i think you'd really like all the female characters, and how layered they all are across age and class lines. i REALLY think you'll like o'brien, the scheming lady's maid, and lady sybil, the family's rebel daughter. downton isn't all romance and wishy washy stuff, it's a scandal-based period drama. i do really think you'd enjoy it.)

I am loving Sally Wainwright's writing and I will have to find all her shows. This is the first series in a long time I haven't quit after like season 2. There is such consistency with her writing and her female characters drive me crazy, talented, brilliant, complex, messy and flawed. I love gentleman jack! I will watch happy valley! I love her older woman protagonists and I love a crime show. I quite like period pieces actually, I am a Jane Austen fan, and I love mystery sets in the 1910s-1960s. Hello I am a Poirot Fan and a big Miss Fisher fan also. I have heard great things about downtown abbey, but I was afraid of getting bored of it, but if you suggest it, and I get desperate enough, I will watch it all! A Family with no male heir and only daughters, oooh my austen senses are tingling.

[bibliophile-in-training]

A Plebian's Review of the Last Voyage of the Demeter

I don't do reviews normally but I have many thoughts I wanted to share after recently watching this movie. In general, I did enjoy this movie and I thought it was a fun watch. As someone who read Dracula and enjoys most modern Dracula stories I would watch it again if it came on. (6/10)

Non-spoilers:

It took some liberties with the source material. Combine the recent Poirot movies with modern vampire lore and that's what you should expect, not something strictly adhering to the novel. Not necessarily a bad thing, but if you're enjoying dracula daily just know this isn't really that.

On that note, Dracula bibliophiles aside, it's a pretty good movie on its own. It's suited for modern audiences and won't confuse them with Stoker's vampire lore (ex. what can and can't kill a vampire, what powers Dracula has).

It had pretty gory moments that you may not be prepared for if slasher movies aren't something you watch. Also, check out doesthedogdie bc there are a lot of potential triggers.

The lighting for this movie was really good imo. There was a strong contrast between day and night which awesome, but you could also still actually see what was going on in the dark. There were a couple times when Dracula was in a shadow and you couldn't really see him but it was for effect as opposed to trying to be "realistic" (looking at you, GOT).

The design for Dracula was cool and they do play into him getting stronger and scarier as he continuously feeds.

The Captain is not the main character (in contrast to the source material's Captain's log). Here, it's Dr Clemens we follow and we get an occasional Caltain's narration from the log.

If you like Until Dawn and other titles from Supermassive Games, you'd probably enjoy it. Dracula's design, the kills, and character choices feel like you're watching a playthrough. Not to mention there are a lot of close-up shots of characters in the same way Supermassive Games does.

Spoilers under the cut:

The Good:

The cinematography was pretty good. I particularly liked shots that followed through the ship to the cargo hold where count bat boi was sleeping.

They also filmed the gory scenes really well, and one scene that stood out was when one person who's become a thrall bashes his head through a door and then slides his nose along the splintered panels as he looks up. Impactful to say the least. They didn't pan away and leave it up to our imaginations but went all in and I applaud it.

Things were recognizable from the novel (names, events, some vampire mythos). I was genuinely surprised that they marked Dracula's coffins with dragons and kept that he slept in dirt, since modern audiences probably wouldn't have known about these things. When we (modern audiences) hear "Dracula" we think it means "vampire" as opposed to "dragon", and we would likely expect Dracula's cargo to be velvet-lined coffins.

The opening scene (finding the ship at Whitby & the wagon train of the coffins) had me immediately invested and excited, and I was already looking forward to this movie (I chose it over Barbie lol).

The Captain's actor was phenomenal. He went all out when he was grieving Toby's death and he really didn't have to but I'm so glad he did. While the character itself wasn't consistent, the actor made it believable. He was strict and kind when he was sane, he was frantic and distraught when he was insane, and his moments of grief and hope were all palpable. Good choice.

"Oh my God it has wings" When I say I LAUGHED SO HARD

Honestly there were a lot of funny moments. Some were genuine to cut the tension and help build characters but being ND and desensitized to horror I don't know if I was supposed to laugh at some of them, like when the cook's dingy knocked against the side of the hull. And when vampire Toby jumped up.

The use of knocking was a cool addition. I enjoyed when they used it like when Toby was in trouble and when Dracula was messing with the two dudes on deck.

One of the key things of Dracula's personality is that yes - he can kill you in 10s - but he won't because he's a sadistic bastard that enjoys drawing it out and playing the wager to see if you'll die of fear before he can bite you. They absolutely captured it. Homie is purposeful in how he terrifies his victims before giving them a gruesome death.

I think the model ship they showed at the end was the original model ship for the Demeter in the 90's Dracula movie (or at least a nod to it), which is how this movie was started apparently. Nice touch.

The Grievances:

Dr Clemens was a mary sue. I'm sorry, there's no way around this. Man has bad main character syndrome. I can accept a black man fighting tooth and nail to graduate Cambridge top of his class and struggle in a world that won't see his abilities because they won't look past his skin color, but on top of that he's an astronomer, a sailer, a strategist, a detective, and everyone immediately falls in love with him? Hell, he cured Toby's [1] grief over losing his lifelong friend (Huck, the dog, who was MUTILATED) and [2] guilt for all the animals dying because it was his responsibility to take care of him, and [3] fear for whatever unknown thing did this, with a headpat and "sometimes shit happens and you can't do anything about it".

He took one look at Anna, Dracula's beef jerky ration, and immediately went "she has an infection, she needs a blood transfusion", then proceeded to give her repeated transfusions over several days and he was totally fine. Up running around and fighting vampires meanwhile in reality he would have been bedridden from lack of blood and possible complications from the procedures.

Also, why is he the only clean person? Everyone's covered in grime and blood and dude looks like he just walked out of a proactive commercial. Even when he's floating in the middle of the ocean for days with an open neck wound he looks like he was just in the shower. Compare it with the Captain's burns and the first thrall's face after banging the through a door and the dissonance just pulls me out of the movie.

Keeping him alive just to sequel bait. Just. Why. Hollywood, it's okay to kill your protagonist. 1912 did it really well. Plus, I personally wasn't invested enough in this character to want to see a sequel following his vendetta with Dracula. We already know about Jonathan and Van Helsing. You can make movies that stand alone. It's okay.

If you want to sequel bait why don't you have him delirious from being lost at sea for several days and end up at the asylum with Dr Seward and Renfield? That would actually be cool and you could still have Dracula show up to taunt him.

Also, in regards to Anna, while I think it was a cool idea to use her for lore dumping and as a surprise for the audience, I was disappointed with her. She had the potential to provide a lot of info and help fight Dracula but instead she had to be the "strong independent woman". I don't hate this trope (think about Ripley in Alien, or any of the women in the original novel) but it wasn't done well here. While it's cool to see her gain confidence and wield a gun against count bat boi I was really hoping she would provide more info like his weaknesses. She says "he ran out of food in my country" but we know this isn't *literally* true because we see people at the beginning. It's the fact her people knew how to keep Dracula away that he ran out of food and he decided to try greener pastures. You could bring up HOW they did that (religious tokens, garlic, silver, etc.).

Also when she does try to give info about Dracula it's still vague and meant to be mysterious. Bruh, you are locked on a boat with this monster and you know your only hope for survival is to flee or work together to get rid of him. Why are you not giving as much info and details as possible? Because that's what the script said bc the writers wanted to make dracula look cool by relying on the characters to say it? Okay.

This movie relies on a lot of telling instead of showing. It's like they don't trust their audience to pay attention or understand what's going on. The only time I legit felt they showed and not told (lol) was when the Captain asked if what happened to the animals could be transmitted to humans and Dr Clemens lied and said no. You could see in the actor's face the inner monologue of telling the truth vs preventing chaos. It was nice and gave more info about the character than him actually yelling his life history at the first mate.

It also suffers from the writers trying to make every scene be memorable. There are too many times characters say things because it sounds cool or would be good in the trailer rather than because it makes sense for the character to say that.

Honestly all the characters fall flat for me (besides the captain who's character is treated like a pinball). They're all archetypes rather than people. The protagonist. The independent woman. The racist drunkard. The child. The religious guy. The guy that makes obscene jokes. The only names I know are Toby, Dr Clemens, and Anna. Bc they get said a lot as opposed to me actually caring about them.

On that note, I am definitely biased because I loved the Captain's log from the novel, but I wish that this was from the Captain's pov, culminating in him tying himself to the wheel and dying from shock or exposure like in the book. Then Whitby.

On that note, I am still upset that they used modern vampire mythos yet again for Dracula. In the book the Captain dies after being taunted for days by Dracula after tying himself to the wheel, only possible because the rosary in his hand protects him. It's a noble but horrific sacrifice made of fear and a duty to not let the evil on the ship reach land. In this movie, however, he reaches the wheel and dies because the rosary has no power over Dracula (it's also how Toby dies).

Oh, also the sun kills vampires. How do we know? Because occasionally some people turn into vampires, but only when it's convenient for the plot (looking at you, Anna). Why don't they use this against Dracula and dump the dirt box they know he's sleeping in during the day? Who knows. But they wasted a lot of potential to play on the audience's expectations (rather than giving into them) by using Dracula during the day. Y'know what's scarier than a vampire picking off your crew at night? A vampire picking off your crew at ANY time when you only expect it at night because SURPRISE sunlight just doesn't let him crawl in lizard fashion.

Are you seriously telling me Dracula sustained himself off of Anna for several weeks, and then decided to slaughter the crew mere days before the boat docked? Yes, he was weak bc of it but I don't think the director knows how blood works (see Dr Clemens's transfusion issue). Also, if that's the case, how did Anna not suffocate in her dirt box for hours on end for weeks? Just fill the other 48 crates with dead people and say Anna was the last caprisun in the box and it would make more sense.

Also, why have their last hurrah be the day before they reach Whitby? It made the movie seem too fast; it felt like it only took a week to get from Transylvania to England. Why not find Anna early on, then disperse the crew member deaths across a couple weeks like in the novel? It would help with the suspense and you could have the Captain tie himself to the wheel then let us experience the time passing after he dies so the audience has a moment to sit with the deaths and feel hopeless. Bc that's what the role of the Demeter is, story-wise. It's supposed to make us afraid of Dracula and feel hopeless in his presence. Not give us hope and make him into our rival we have the possibility to get revenge on. That's what our dear friend Jonathan is for.

Dracula never takes human form. Why do all adaptations refuse to give him his bushy mustache? COWARDS.

Okay, he *sort of* takes human form. But they really just put him in a waistcoat and top hat then expected us to believe that showed he was cunning. You literally said he's both man and beast then only show the beast. One of Dracula's main appeal is that he's clever and his sadistically human traits are the only thing preventing him from immediately ripping you to shreds. And he can pass as human, so he could be anyone. Yet we only see the beast part.

While this movie was fun to watch, it comes off more as a gruesome drama or action movie than a horror. I never really feel any suspense or dread. Compare it to Alien which had the same situation. Alien did such a good job of making you feel scared and claustrophobic when you're surrounded by the vastness of space (in this case, the ocean) and being hunted down by an intelligent monster. I was watching this to see how Dracula killed people rather than seeing how they struggled to survive.

I can believe this movie was in production hell not just because of the writing but some errors. In one scene, the Captain's burn is on the right side of his face but there's a close-up cut and suddenly it's on the left side like someone flipped the screen. And this is just one error out of a couple. No Starbucks cups tho.

It sounds like I don't like this movie because of all of my nit-picking grievances, but I really did like it. I think my issues are just because my expectations were too high going in. I was expecting a loyal expansion of an underappreciated segment of a classic novel, which is really rare these days. And a *suspenseful* horror.

I see why Guillermo del Toro and Stephen King suggested it. It's pretty similar to their stuff, just more fast-paced. So if you like that stuff and Until Dawn I think you'll really enjoy it.

[warthogreporter]

Made a new alignment chart thing based on Dracula, inspired by the chart of fictional detectives vs Kira. Feel free to add or do your own take. Explanations for my placements under the read more.

Jesus, Tezcatlipoca, Pazuzu: Literal deities.

Mickey Mouse: Transforms the work into a comedy and thus saves the day with slapstick.

Code Name Steam! Queequeg: Exploding robot penguins go brrrr.

Odysseus: Makes a perfect plan to save Lucy, other people fuck it up, but he's able to avenge her.

Poirot: Look, people just die around him. He'd be okay with killing Dracula because for an undead it's the only way to offer salvation to the soul, and Drac is not winning a battle of wits against Poirot.

Ash: Could have saved Lucy, but is a sleepy boy and so was unable to respond to the Drac attack. However, good luck surviving a Volt Tackle to the face Dracula you fucking idiot.

Anakin: Beat one of the few assassins more absurd than Dracula, but would likely fall to the dark side while chasing Dracula.

Speedwagon: Takes Lucy and fucking runs while the nearest Joestar kills Dracula.

Date: If it was just Dracula he'd win, but he is too horny to resist the vampire women if they appear.

Dan Hibiki: It's Dan.

Dojima: Helpless normie that refuses to accept the supernatural until it's too late at best.

Father Ardelian: Is very bad at resisting vampires. Could not protect Lucy or himself.

[donna-wants-to-be-an-alien]

Comfort after the rain

So this is a very self-indulgent fanfic, because this scene has been repeating in my head for days now! I hope you'll enjoy it!

It was raining cats and dogs, when I walked through the cemetery. Even though we were in spring, the temperature took a small dip and with the rain, it was a bit chilly. There had been another murder or crime happening near by and the Sleeping Kogoro had solved it once again!

I ran into him and his children sometimes, when I visited Café Poirot for some snacks or a coffee and to be honest, I didn't think him capable of clearing all these cases. But books and covers and all that...

When I walked through the graves, trying to be quick but not disturbing people taking care of them, I stopped dead in my tracks. There on the ground in the pouring rain sat Amuro Tooru, the waiter of Poirot and disciple of the Great Detective.

The blond man seemed desolate and apathetic, very different from the cool, outgoing and friendly guy who often rubbed me the wrong way. Not because he was rude or anything, but he seemed like this fake nice guy, like people pretending to be your friend in school, but use all your trust and secrets against you.

His clothes were sopping wet, and he seemed to be looking out into a blank abyss. I was considering my options and motivations for a moment and then walked up to him, grocery bags swinging in one hand, umbrella over my head in the other. As I stepped up to him, Amuro didn't look up, but he showed signs of awareness, so I waited a moment. When nothing happened, I cleared my throat:

“You'll catch a bad cold like this, Mr. Amuro! Can I accompany you somewhere?”

I then heard some rustling and watched as his small, white dog came yipping out of some bushes.

“Hey Haro! Are you out here as well? Making sure your dad isn't alone, huh? Such a good boy!”

I glanced at the blond next to me, his face a blank mask, but funnily enough, seemingly more honest than ever.

“I have some nice, fresh meat for you, as a reward for being such a good puppy!”

The dog was running laps around us, then plopped his butt on the ground and sat, looking at his owner, who still hadn't really moved or made a sound.

I sighed and crouched down, trying to keep the umbrella over the three of us.

“I won't look at the names here, it's none of my business. And it is your right to mourn in whatever way you need, but if you'd like, I can offer you a warm, dry place to be silent and sad without being alone or having to fulfill the nice boy, customer service act...”

I offered my hand, not expecting a reaction. After a few beats he took it in one of his and I had to suppress a wince at the cold skin and the realization of how long he must have been sitting here.

After I got up and Amuro followed, I took the lead to my flat, Haro doing an excellent job of herding us.

When I opened the door and shook out the umbrella, the dog zoomed inside, inspecting every inch, while his dad stood in the entrance, dripping, well more carrying a few buckets worth of water with him.

Making a mental note to definitely mop the floors later, I instructed him to take of his wet clothes, while speeding into the bedroom for some dry ones.

Thankfully I had some too big sweatpants and some T-Shirts I use to sleep in, that would fit the man about two heads taller than me. I kind of stretched my arm holding them around the doorway, into the entrance, so he could take them.

I quickly chucked my damp clothes into a hamper and put on some lounge-wear, than stepped out when it sounded like Tooru had finished changing.

Haro had by now been in every room, so he was following on the heels of my unexpected guest, who I lead to my couch. I took the softest, warmest blanket I had, one I had crocheted years ago and carefully washed so the wool was incredibly squishy and wrapped it around him.

The first sign of life on his face was a short flash of surprise when the blanket touched him.

He took a corner in between two fingers and rubbed it, probably knowing I made it myself. I had been crafting all kinds of things during my short breaks at the café, after all.

“Would you rather like a fruit tea, or herbal?”, I asked, to which he gave the tiniest of shrugs.

So I went to the kitchen and brewed a fruit tea and a peppermint tea, choosing two kinds I liked, so that I could drink the one he didn't want. I also prepared the meat I promised Haro and put it on a plate and gave him a bowl of fresh water. I put the teas on the table in front of the couch, turning to leave the man alone, when he took hold of my wrist, lightly enough for me to easily pull back if I wanted to.

He seemed surprised at the action and so was I, honestly, but I sat down next to him, both of us taking a cup and watching the rainstorm outside through the windows, existing in a bubble of calm somberness, that was tinged with melancholy, but also a strange kind of understanding.

This was a piece of a puzzle to a very complicated situation and man, and had I known the aftermath, I would have still done everything the same way.

[eveepe]

Please tell me more about your WIP "frills"?! 👀 Thank you!

Oooh thank you Crepe (and @fkajohnlennon who also asked about this one!) - I was hoping someone would choose this. I'm struggling to describe it succinctly, but the basic premise is John/Ringo panty kink? With a deeper vein of John enjoying dressing femme and being called "pretty".

It's stalled because it's kind of two separate fics at the moment that need mashing together and I haven't figured out how.

Snippet under the cut!

“Well well well, mees-yoors,” he said, hamming it up with his best Poirot. “It seems we have quite ze mystery on our hands!”

It was Paul that found them. He let out a hoot of laughter, then grabbed one of Richie’s sticks and fished out, from under a stack of amps, a pair of very floral, very frilly ladies’ knickers. 

He pinched the knickers between his thumb and forefinger and squinted at them, flipping the drumstick around so it resembled a cane. 

“Good old Marks and Spencers, eh? Sensible girl, this one. That rules out John.”

“Oi!” John aimed a half-hearted swipe at his shins, but Paul danced nimbly out of his reach, waving the knickers around like a flag above his head.  

"Barely been worn, these 'ave!" he crowed. "Still creased from the packet. You dog, you." He spun on the spot, his accusatory, pointing finger travelling over all of them til it landed on George. 

"You're in trouble, Georgie-boy!" John said, sing-song. George crossed one leg primly over his knee and glowered as Paul edged towards him, and, with utter predictability, tried to wrestle the knickers onto George's head.

[9leaguesofmirrors]

My Favourite Steve Characters

It's September 1st, also known as Steve Pemberton's birthday! I did one of these lists for Reece's birthday, and I wanted to do one for Steve too because I feel like not enough people talk about his amazing acting

These are in no particular order

Tony Martin - The Interrogation Of Tony Martin

This film was originally on Channel 4 and can now be found on Netflix. It's a verbatim piece about the true story of Tony Martin and why he killed two young boys that intruded on his home. Steve manages to be both cold and unsettling and surprisingly sympathetic in the role, everything he does is subtle and refined to produce an incredibly realistic performance

Trevor - Love's Great Adventure

I don't think I'll ever stop singing the praise of Love's Great Adventure, people overlook it because it doesn't have a dark twist but it's honestly one of the best episodes of the entire series! Steve Pemberton delivers such a raw performance that it left me wishing there was a spin-off series! The entire episode is beautiful, and Trevor is a huge part of the reason; I could praise Steve's ability to dig up such pure, unbridled feeling in every character he plays for ages!

Dr Bessner - Death On The Nile (2004)

I'm a sucker for a good Agatha Christie, especially Poirot, so finding out that Steve Pemberton was in one of the remakes made me very excited - and, as always, he delivers. Dr Bessner is a character which may end up fading into the back of people's memories, but Steve Pemberton managed to make every scene he was in very entertaining. It goes to show that he knows how to pull focus without taking away from other cast members, a credit to both his dedication and kindness

Len - Bernie Clifton's Dressing Room

I mean, he won a BAFTA for this one, that says it all! When we first meet Len, he's portrayed as a sweet, funny man with plenty of charisma. However, as the episode continues, Steve manages to show this façade break more and more until we see to the core of a man that's ruined his life and lost his way. Steve managed to perfectly portray Len as a flawed character while simultaneously making the audience sympathise with him and want him to get the help he needs

Galen - Thinking Out Loud

NOBODY can deny Steve Pemberton's range, not after watching Thinking Out Loud. He's positively frightening as Galen, using stillness and a measured delivery to create an unnerving character - at one point, he leaned forward and I actually jumped backwards!

Pauline Campbell-Jones - The League of Gentlemen

This list wouldn't be complete with the iconic Pauline Campbell-Jones! Steve's comedic timing and delivery skills makes her one to watch, but there are also moments where we see another side to her that's unexpected yet surprisingly heartwarming. Yet another example of Steve's fantastic range giving even the most comedic characters depth

Joe - The Last Weekend SPOILERS BELOW

Like Thinking Out Loud, this episode has a very controversial ending. But I want to step away from that for a moment (might make a post about it at some point, I'm not sure) to appreciate how incredible Steve was in it

At first, you sympathise with Joe; he has to deal with having a terrible illness and, on top of that, his partner doesn't exactly treat him that kindly. Steve's ability to pull at the audience's heartstrings really comes into play here... but, even before the big reveal, there are subtle moments where you get the sense that something isn't quite right

And that ending! Steve completely transforms and we're left with a Joe Madison that we've never seen before - and hope we never see in real life! It's perfectly sinister and 100% one of his best acting moments in the series

Of course, these are just a few of his roles and, like Reece, he's a real chameleon that can truly play any part (even if, sometimes, it's just Pauline). Benidorm is on my watch list so I'll be getting to that as soon as possible! I hope Steve's career continues to be full of opportunities!

[melissak2802]

Just some general stuff about Dame Agatha Christie's books. Writing this as helpful info for my friend @cinphenheadspace but also for anyone potentially interested!

So of course the most famous cycles of her stories are the Poirot cycle (33 novels plus some short stories and novellas) and the Miss Marple cycle (12 novels plus also some short stories). There are also smaller cycles and stand-alone novels (well, the small cycle novels are also kind of stand-alone, pretty different from each other).

The earliest novels (written in 20s) are some early Poirot ones (not great if you ask me, except for the great Murder of Roger Ackroyd) and some fun adventure mysteries about young people (Why Didn't They Ask Evans?, The Seven Dials Mystery, and some more) In a number of these there's a cute couple of energetic girl and calm boy who participate in adventures together, as well as charming villains.

A lot of the most famous titles were written in the 1930s, it's mostly Poirot novels. They have brilliant puzzle/mystery and at least one or several memorable characters, but mostly the emphasis is on the investigation. Some of the best of these are The Murder on the Orient Express (it also raises an interesting serious theme and potential for drama), Death on the Nile (also good drama/psychology behind the central conflict), The ABC Murders (very good for the mystery itself, but has a good lesson too), Evil Under the Sun. Out of novels about Miss Marple, the earlier ones such as Murder at the Vicarage also are like this (but set in countryside, while Poirot novels are more often the city or vacations/travels).

Two other very notable novels of the pre-war Christie are The Murder of Roger Ackroyd (written in the 20s, a Poirot novel, it's a genial one and I cannot tell why exactly without spoilers, but it is powerful both as mystery and as drama, while also very enjoyable to read) and And Then There Was None, a stand-alone novel that basically was the birth of its genre.

The novels written during and after WWII are however more appealing to me in general. They have much more psychology, importance of the characters and their life and feelings, as well as social themes. It's the majority of Miss Marple novels, starting with A Murder Is Announced (in-depth depiction of post-war countryside, as well as good mystery and interesting antagonist drama), then including novels such as 4:50 from Paddington (a family-centered mystery, characters and atmosphere are cool, characters have interesting dynamics/development, also shipping potential if you like it 🙂), The Mirror Cracked from Side to Side (centered around cinema people), A Pocket Full of Rye (another family one). In Poirot cycle there's Hercule Poirot's Christmas (written a bit earlier but also everything is centered on the characters, the members of the Lee family are the prototypes of the Crackenthorpe family from 4:50 from Paddington in many ways), Five Little Pigs (an investigation of a mystery that happened years ago, so there are accounts of very different people involved who also changed across the years, so... very characters-centric), Taken at the Flood (lots on post-war society), After the Funeral, and The Hollow (this one is even barely a mystery, almost just a psychological novel). Ah, in the Marple cycle there's also Sleeping Murder, which like Five Little Pigs is an investigation of events of years ago, atmospheric and all.

Out of the cycles, this kind of novels are Sparkling Cyanide (another mystery-in-the-past), Towards Zero, Crooked House (a family mystery, warning, this one's ending is very dark) and Ordeal by Innocence (another family one, centered on how suspicion affects people's lives).

Latest novels vary in quality really, but include some great atmospheric stuff, especially Dead Man's Folly and The Halloween Party (from Poirot cycle), At Bertram's Hotel and Nemesis (from Miss Marple cycle).